National Tragedies Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz and Individual Director of , RIETS Suffering Rabbi, Beis HaKnesses of North Woodmere

A HALACHIC GUIDE TO PAYING A SHIVA CALL

he mitzvah of nichum aveilim Second, even once we decide to visit, as the ideal timing of the comfort. It (comforting mourners) it can be uncomfortable to perform should be noted that we will discuss provides the bereaved the this mitzvah, because we are often the halacha as it appears in the Tmuch-needed opportunity to connect unsure of what to say and how to and Codes. In this area of halacha in with other people in a meaningful provide comfort. Largely due to this particular, we can readily see the great way during their time of distress and discomfort, and partially due to lack wisdom and sensitivity of the halacha emotional turmoil. However, the of guidance, visitors often just try in most effectively helping mourners mitzvah can be challenging in several to “change the topic” and talk about through their grief. Having noted this, ways. something more cheerful. Hershel it is still critical to have a sense of the Schachter shlit”a often points out that proverbial “fifth section” of First, sometimes we are unsure if we Shulchan mourners are not permitted to divert , that which is unwritten but should visit the mourner at all (“am Aruch their attention from their mourning, requires us to use a healthy dose I a close enough friend that he/she and the conversation should therefore of common sense, concern and will be comforted by my presence?”, revolve around the life and special sensitivity. It is only through the “fifth “I haven’t spoken to the person in qualities of the deceased. section” that we will perform this years”). While each case is different, mitzvah in the optimal way, and truly as a rule it is better to err on the side In this essay, we will discuss the provide the comfort that the mourner of visiting. People who are mourning halachos pertaining to comforting needs. appreciate the care and concern of a mourner, both in terms of how to others, especially if they haven’t been most effectively comfort someone in such close contact. from a halachic perspective, as well

36 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF To-Go Series • Tisha B’av 5779 Not Speaking Before the speak, the comforters may begin the mourning. We are very sensitive to the Mourner conversation. possibility that calling attention to our sins will bring about swift punishment In fact, the Chazon Ish is said to have The Gemara Moed( Katan 28b) cites during a time of mourning. We regularly begun the conversations the ruling of Rav Yehuda in the name even avoid the paragraph of “ with the mourners as soon as he V’hu of Rav (based on a pasuk in Iyov) that ” since it contains the phrase sensed their distress. Similarly, Chief Rachum the comforters may not speak until “lo k’chata’einu ta’ase lanu” (do not do Rabbi Yitzchak Yosef (Yalkut Yosef the mourner opens the conversation. to us what we deserve based on our on Aveilus Chapter 11 end of note 1) In fact, the Beis Yosef (Yoreh Deah 376) misdeeds). records that his father, Rav Ovadya cites Rav Hai Gaon that the practice Yosef, would regularly begin the This halacha seems to recognize the was for the mourner to begin the conversation, since he knew that the natural tendency of some mourners conversation by saying “Baruch Dayan mourners were likely too intimidated to blame themselves, especially in Ha’Emes” in order to allow others to to speak first. cases of untimely tragic deaths. We are speak. therefore reminded that shouldering This halacha can prove challenging blame is unhelpful and a potentially when the mourner chooses not to destructive approach to mourning. speak. In fact, the Perisha (YD 393:3) wonders how we can fulfill the Shouldering What Not to Say mitzvah of nichum aveilim at all if we only sit there in silence, and ultimately blame is unhelpful It is obvious that we should be very recite the formulaic passage of and a potentially sensitive when speaking to a mourner. “Hamakom…” before leaving. There It is unhelpful to provide reasons for are two basic explanations offered destructive approach the death, or to dwell on the details of by poskim to reconcile this halacha the illness and the treatment that the with the fact that it seems to preclude to mourning deceased received. While we could the possibility of providing actual write volumes about what not to say at comfort. a shiva visit, the halacha provides two First, the Perisha (ibid.) suggests examples of statements to avoid. that our mere presence is a form of Admission of Guilt First, the Gemara (Moed Katan comfort. Even if sitting in silence, 27b) says that even though we are there is real comfort in knowing that The Rama YD( 376) writes that it is obligated to stand when a nasi walks 1 one is not alone. inappropriate for a mourner to say into a room, a mourner has no such that he has not suffered as much as obligation to stand. Yet if the mourner Second, Rav Eliezer Waldenberg he deserves to have suffered. We are (notes at the end of Sefer Pnei chooses to stand for an honored guest, generally discouraged from “opening the visitor should not tell the mourner Baruch) struggles with this halacha, our mouths to the Satan” and and wonders how we can fulfill the to sit, as such a statement may be suggesting that we should be punished perceived to mean “remain seated in mitzvah of comforting a mourner more severely than we already have your mourning.” Instead, the Nimukei by sitting there in silence. Rav been, but the period of mourning is a Waldenberg cites a comment of the Yosef suggests, the honored guest particularly inauspicious time for such should say “Hashem should bless Levush (Yoreh Deah 376:1), which comments. explains that when mourners express you, and please don’t burden yourself their anguish, it triggers (is mechayeiv) In fact, the Aruch Hashulchan (376:5) (with standing for me).” the mitzvah of nichum aveilim. Prior suggests that the reason we refrain This halacha reflects the degree to any expression of anguish, the from reciting Tachanun in a house of of sensitivity necessary, that even mitzvah has not begun. Consequently, mourning is that viduy is a component seemingly benign comments should if mourners express their anguish of Tachanun, and we try to avoid be avoided if they may be understood through silence and the inability to acknowledgement of sin in a house of in a way that would be hurtful to the

37 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Tisha B’av 5779 mourner. In a similar vein, the Rama (335:2) writes that it is inappropriate to pay a shiva visit to a person who you are at odds with (a “sonei”), as the person may perceive the visit as your attempt to take joy in their suffering.2 Even when we have the best of intentions, we must be mindful of how the mourner will perceive our words and actions. Second, the Rama writes that we should not tell the mourner “what can you do? You can’t change it!” because implicit in that statement is that you would change it if you could. While in our limited understanding of the ways of God we may feel this way, it is not the proper attitude. A Jew is required to recognize the absolute righteousness of God, and ultimately accept His decree with love.

A Shiva “Call”

Rav (Iggeros Moshe, Orach Chaim IV 40:11) notes that there are two elements to the Are you a Jewish mitzvah of nichum aveilim. First, there is the comfort that is provided for the mourner by visiting and Nonprofit Founder? offering words of empathy and encouragement. Accelerate Your Impact Second, there is a benefit to the deceased since the The OU Impact Accelerator identifies and advances soul of the deceased is said to be present throughout innovative Jewish nonprofit startups that want to take the next step to transform the Jewish future. the shiva.3 When we are unable to visit in person, the best available option is often a phone call.Pnei Baruch Funding Mentorship Support (11:12) cites Shu”t Minchas Dovid (72) that Receive up to $25K for Receive guidance from Access to OU programs your nonprofit venture experienced entrepreneurs and networks comforting over the phone is not recommended since it provides nothing for the soul of the deceased. However, Rav Moshe Feinstein points out that while a phone call will not fulfill the second purpose of Curriculum Connections Community Learn the essentials Stay connected through Engage with cohort peers nichum aveilim, it will at least partially provide the of building a nonprofit our alumni network and social entrepreneurs first (and primary) purpose, which is to offer words of comfort.4 It is advisable to find a time to call when the house APPLY TODAY is not full of visitors. The mourner may not want to ou.org/accelerator take phone calls while people are there to comfort Applications due September 5, 2019 him. Texting a family member who is in the house, to let you know when the mourner is free, can be an effective strategy.

When to Comfort

The Gemara Moed( Katan 27) says that the first three days of mourning are designated for crying. Rav Yechiel Michel Tukatchinsky (Gesher would in front of his teacher. we should be privileged to see the day 20:5:5) suggests that this where death is no longer a reality and Ha’Chaim TheAruch Hashulchan (YD 376:3) suffering will cease to exist. is the basis for the practice to avoid notes that nowadays people aren’t paying a shiva visit during the first familiar with the meaning of the three days of mourning. Since the pain lowering of the head, and it is Endnotes of the loss is felt so acutely during the therefore incumbent upon the visitors 1. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach (cited in first three days, the mourner is likely to develop a sense of when it is time to not ready to be comforted.5 Pnei Baruch Chapter 11 note 5) assumes that leave. In more modern times, visiting the simple phrase of “Hamakom yenacheim” is Furthermore, Rav Tukatchinsky hours are publicized or posted on all that is required to fulfill the mitzvah, and points out that the Gemara (Moed the door. It is especially important does indeed provide genuine comfort. Rav Katan 21b) forbids the mourner from to be considerate of the needs of the Shlomo Zalman notes that if conversation is prohibited before the mourner speaks, responding to greetings during the mourner, and not to visit during times even reciting “Hamakom yenacheim” would first three days. The GemaraMoed ( that visitors are not welcome. seem to be prohibited. Rav Shlomo Zalman Katan 15a) says that the mourner suggests that opening a conversation is only should not be overly talkative, Conclusion prohibited if the mourner has not begun especially during the first three days. the conversation, but reciting “Hamakom” prior to leaving when it is evident that the Since visitors wait for the mourner to We have discussed some of the mourner will not speak is both permissible speak, visiting in the first three days relevant halachos of comforting the and encouraged. may cause him to speak more than is bereaved during the week of shiva. 2. The Shach notes that this would depend on considered appropriate. However, we should note that the the exact nature of the relationship, and that Despite this practice, the halacha is mourner will often benefit from many times it is far more likely that the visit continued expressions of support will be received favorably, as an effort to make clear that if our only opportunity to amends. visit will be during the first three days, and love after shiva has ended. The we should certainly do so. conclusion of shiva can sometimes 3. See Gemara (Shabbos 152a) that even if leave the mourner feeling lonely, and there are no mourners, a minyan of people an occasional phone call or text to should get together and remain in his home Overstaying Your Welcome for the week. The Rama (376:2) says that he connect is often very helpful. has never observed this in practice, but cites The Gemara Moed( Katan 27b) cites Additionally, since people only the Maharil that a minyan should meet for davening at the home of the deceased even in the ruling of Rav Yochanan that sit shiva for about six days, it is the absence of mourners. once a mourner shakes his head, the fairly common for somebody to comforters are no longer permitted to have “missed” a shiva call. In such 4. See also Responsa Be’er Moshe VII Kuntros Electric 58 for further sources on the topic of sit with him. TheTur (YD 376) cites instances, there is a tendency to nichum aveilim on the phone. the Ramban who explains that since avoid the mourner out of a sense of 5. Comforting a mourner can only be a mourner is not permitted to offer embarrassment for not having been accomplished when the mourner is ready for normal salutations (she’ilas shalom), there for them in their time of need. comfort. It is therefore inappropriate to go he cannot say “lechu l’shalom” — go However, it is entirely appropriate to and comfort the mourner prior to the funeral. in peace. It was therefore necessary to call after shiva has ended, not only develop a recognizable signal of when to apologize, but to offer words of mourners feel that they would prefer comfort. to be alone, and this is accomplished In the merit of performing this great by lowering the head as a student mitzvah of nichum aveilim correctly,

Find more shiurim and articles from Rabbi Lebowitz at https://www.yutorah.org/rabbi-aryeh-lebowitz/

39 Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary • The Benjamin and Rose Berger CJF Torah To-Go Series • Tisha B’av 5779