Connecticut College Digital Commons @ Connecticut College 2005-2006 Student Newspapers 3-31-2006 College Voice Vol. 30 No. 18 Connecticut College Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.conncoll.edu/ccnews_2005_2006 Recommended Citation Connecticut College, "College Voice Vol. 30 No. 18" (2006). 2005-2006. 4. https://digitalcommons.conncoll.edu/ccnews_2005_2006/4 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at Digital Commons @ Connecticut College. It has been accepted for inclusion in 2005-2006 by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Connecticut College. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The views expressed in this paper are solely those of the author. First Class u.s. Postage PAID Permit #35 o e e New London, CT PUBUSHED WEEKLY BY THE UNDERLiNGS OF THE BUSH CONSPIRACY VOLUMEXXX· NUMBER18 FRIDAY, MARCH31,3006 CONNECTICUTCOLLEGE,NEWLONDON,CT Gaudiani Named Next President; Conn's Ranking Jumps By JEFFREY LEBOWSKI Gaudiani served as president of a few of the plans she intends to Groton) will keep a close eye on her ultimately be beneficial. Arboretum will be converted into an the dude the College from 1988-2001; she accomplish in her second term: subjects. 3. The entirety of the 18-hole golf course designed by will be the first president to serve I.A jack-booted march into the 2. Using the powers of eminent Connecticut College Green, from Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods. The College's Board of Trustees non-consecutive terms, much like town of Groton, which will be domain, Gaudiani will seize any the sundial to the South Campus Reaction to this news has been named Claire Gaudiani the next the well-known American president, annexed to the town of New remaining public lands within the tennis courts, will be leveled and mixed; Scooter Libby '07, the head president of the College. Reaction to Grover Cleveland. During her London; the troops for the seizure downtown and waterfront New converted into a runway for small of CCLeft, heralded the return of the news necessitated an emergency tenure, she oversaw the school's will be drafted from the Williams London area' and use these lands to aircraft. The most likely user of this Gaudiani as "Conn College's savior, printing of the U.S. News and World investment in well-planned and School. Gaudiani plans on using this build another submarine base, just in strip will be Mrs. Gaudiani herself, who will make sure we continue to Report's college rankings, in which foolproof projects like the New newly acquired land to build herself case the one across the river is shut who expects the Board of Trustees keep our students' whining on the Connecticut College has leapt from London downtown area. Officials a mansion rivaling those of Bill down by the federal government. to give her the runway so she can thirty-sixth to fifth on the Report's within Gaudiani's camp, speaking Gates and Donald Trump, from This may seem superfluous, but continue her worldwide lecture tour SEE GAUDIANI list of the best liberal arts schools, on the condition of anonymity, con- which she and her husband (who with all of her past successes in New part-time. To make up for the lost just ahead of Bowdoin. firmed her appointment and outlined will be installed as Dictator of London, there is no doubt it will central, grassy sitting area, the Continued on page six Rogue Skunks WATERPOLO Yes, Conn has a waterpolo team ... Mascot Beating Of Student Caught Seize Fanning Hall On Newly-Installed Cameras " Skunks Demand "Safe Conn to Consider Replacing Camel With More Space," Free Snacks Student-Friendly Animal, Such as the Manatee By BENJAMIN J. MORSE By CASPER dismay at a mugging being per- editor emeritus formed by somebody they thought thefriendlyghost to be so friendly and loving. Late Thursday afternoon, a "The Camel is the last suspect I band of rogue skunks native to the The installation of security would have thought of," Sarah bushes next to Larrabee entered cameras in Main Street East over Montanez '07 said. "He has always Fanning Hall and seized control of Spring Break paid off for the first come off so kind and accepting, the building, denying access to time on Monday night. At 11:54 it's hard to believe that he would responding Campus Safety units. a.m. the cameras reveal the Camel do such a thing." The group of skunks, estimated to mascot mugging and beating a stu- Because of this incident, be about 30 strong, has reportedly dent and then scurrying away. The College administrators are already taken a number of hostages, student was reported to have no considering changing the College including 2006 Class President major injuries but was still hospi- mascot to something more peace- Robert Brooks. talized for precautionary measures. ful. The most popular idea that has Negotiations with the skunks Despite being caught on tape, arisen at meetings is the Manatees. were ongoing as the Voice went to the Camel mascot is still at-large. In direct response to this pro- pjess. but the furry mammals are Campus Safety has warned stu- posal, members of the College djmanding a "safe space" on cam- dents to be on the watch for the Facebook group, "Manatees Are pus where they can hibernate dur- large furry animal, who is thought Selfish," staged a demonstration ing the winter, as well as a free, to be armed and dangerous. outside of Cro on Wednesday. year long supply of snacks. Students with any information on Jason Abdull '07 said that the point "We are tired of having to dig the whereabouts of the Camel mas- of the protest was to demonstrate through Conn's trash cans like sec- cot are encouraged to contact that manatees are not peaceful and ond-class citizens," said a skunk, Campus Safety at x2222. are in fact evil beings. who would only give his name as Any student who provides "People are biased towards Bubba. "In this day and age, all information that reads to the cap- manatees," Abdull said. "They mammals should have equal Photo hy MarthaCarl ture of the Camel mascot will be portray them as being these great, rights." Three Conn students pretend that water polo is a real sport. Note to #12 and #14: we're bored too. And what's with the eannuffs? Looks rewarded with the option of mov- loving creatures, but meanwhile The College administration like #15 is drowning out the roar of the non-existent spectators. 1 also hate how chlorine makes your eyes red. It makes you wear gog- ing into a swanky 8XIO room in they are inherently cruel and self- feverishly sought to resolve the gles, but those are uncomfortable. Solution: don't play water polo, and buy Visine. Lazarus. ish." unfolding crisis, but infighting and This latest incident is not only Campus Safety broke up the finger pointing has stalled the cri- drastic action," said Rudy Johnson, Chris Devine '06, Chairman of resolved. The Voice will continue alarming for being the severest demonstration when protestors sis. Some administrators have Director of Student Life. However, the Connecticut College to provide all the latest develop- felony committed on campus in began waving flags bearing a pic- reportedly blamed the College other members of the administra- Republicans, agreed. "We ought to ments as they happen. In the mean- recent years, but also because it ture of the Camel mascot and the itself for this incident of skunk ter- tion disagree. bomb the hell out of these skunks," time, students are reminded that was carried out by the College's rorism, while others have accused "We cannot blame ourselves for said Devine. "We must make an the area around Fanning Hall is beloved mascot. Students voiced SEe MASCOT these officials of being soft ou the violent and unconscionable example out of the skunks or else currently off limits. as the skunks Continued 011 page six skunks. action taken by these dastardly the squirrels will be. next." are reported to be highly armed and "This College's oppressive pol- creatures ," argued Sarah Regardless of this ongoing dangerous. There can be no doubt icy towards skunks forced these Fitzpatrick, Interim Dean of debate, College officials are opti- that skunks will never be viewed in Student Hospitalized Due To furry little animals to take this Interim Deans, mistic that the crisis will soon be the same light again. Excessive Facebook Usage College Finally Admits The 41-Hour Session Leaves Freshman Dehydrated, Obvious: Nobody Uses The Arbo Disoriented, and Embarrassed By MARK ZUCKERBERG Changes in the Works: Parking Lot, Dorms, Coca- refused to communicate or move Cola Bottling Plant to be Built in the Arboretum you know who this guy is, don't lie from her computer." The hospitalized student has no By ERNEST P. MUGWUMP A freshman was hospitalized late history of mental problems, raising McDonald '09. "but I've got to park Tuesday night after allegedly spend- questions as to why she became so senior research analyst my Suburban somewhere, and the ing 41 hours straight on Facebook. fixated with Facebook. Friends Arbo is closer to my dorm than the Paramedics who arrived on the noted that they had noticed her using In what represents a major shift AC." scene reported that the female stu- Facebook on a regular basis, but not by the College's administration, The parking lot will also serve as dent was severely dehydrated, dis- to any amount that caused concern. President Fainstein recently the primary parking facility for each oriented, and unable to communicate "[She] seemed to be using acknowledged that no Conn stu- of three newly planned dorms.