“ID LTracy ”Moore’s song of hope dreams and discovery By Michelle Roberts racy Moore, hair dyed Idol contestants to tears, is momentar- electric blue, strides ily stunned. confidently into a “Simon just blinked and said, conference room at ‘What?’” Moore recalls, mimicking Los Angeles’ Renais- Cowell’s British accent. “He expected sance Hollywood me to say, ‘I want to be a superstar.’ I Hotel and faces down told him, ‘I have schizophrenia. And I the toughest talent scout in the enter- want to help others who have it, too.’ Ttainment industry—American Idol’s “It was the first time I’ve ever seen Simon Cowell. him speechless,” she says. As the striking young woman in Since her first American Idol experi- funky cargo pants prepares to belt out ence, 24-year-old Moore has learned the song she has traveled nearly 1,000 that, like fame, the road to recovery miles to perform, Cowell blurts out a from a major mental illness is full of question: “What do you want to do twists, turns, and detours. with your life?” Moore, diagnosed with schizophre- Moore, who has just beaten more nia at age 21, sometimes thinks the TV than 10,000 other pop-star hopefuls talks to her or that she will be the next for a chance to audition for the show’s pope. But one idea remains crystal celebrity judges, doesn’t miss a beat. clear. Like so many things in life, “I want to start a support founda- Moore understands that it’s the trying, tion for people with schizophrenia,” not always the winning, that counts. she says, flashing a sincere, ear-to- “My gift is a beautiful voice,” says ear smile. Moore. “And I also have an illness that Cowell, famous for his scathing cri- means I’ll have to work 10 times tiques that frequently reduce American harder than most people to get it recognized. “I know that might not ever hap- From the top: blond and sultry Tracy before pen,” she says. “But the only thing I the blue dye; the Idol tryout line streams couldn’t live with is if I didn’t try.” out of the Renaissance Hollywood Hotel; Tracy gets a hug from “Mr. Cool,” an Idol Budding talent show staffer who gives pep talks to Moore discovered the power of her contestants before they perform for the voice while performing in musicals at judges. Wilson High School in Portland, Opposite page: Being a tourist Oregon. She was a doll in Guys and in Hollywood Dolls and Ronette in Little Shop of

30 SPRING 2006 | www.szdigest.com Horrors, entertaining with confident daughter was troubled. They took her would have to prove that she could grace and a rich, smoky voice that to see a psychologist who, after four handle college close to home. “So she some have compared to that of days of tests, determined Tracy was did,” remembers Don Moore. “She Melissa Etheridge. “depressed.” got really good grades.” Despite her gregarious personality Pam Moore was unconvinced. The Tracy, who had scored surprisingly and seeming confidence on stage, symptoms her daughter was having— high on her college entrance exams, Moore says she can now see things paranoia, disorganized speech, fears sailed through senior-level courses, about herself during those years that about irrational things—seemed to go including those in hydrology and hinted at what was to come: the bud- well beyond teenage depression. And anthropology, at Western Oregon Uni- ding signs of schizophrenia. the antidepressants a doctor pre- versity. Focused only on getting to “I’d always get this weird, terrifying scribed for Tracy didn’t seem to help Musictech, she had chosen the feeling on stage that everyone was at all. courses randomly. going to just walk off and leave me The Moores were reluctant to allow In May 2001, sticking to their standing there,” she says. Tracy to leave for college, despite her promise, the Moores took Tracy to Once started, Moore’s paranoia dream of attending Musictech College Minnesota and she enrolled at grew quickly, like wisteria that in Minneapolis, a prestigious academy Musictech. She was envelops a sun porch before the end for performing artists. of spring. At her high school gradua- The Moores told Tracy tion ceremony in June 2000, Moore she first recalls being so self-conscious that she couldn’t walk across the stage to get her diploma, crouching behind students who’d already col- lected theirs. “My parents were so mad at me,” she later recalls. “But I just couldn’t go up there.” Moore’s parents, computer network engineers Pam and Don Moore, knew their

Photos: DON MOORE and STEPHANIE YAO accepted into the school’s vocal per- only way to stop aliens from entering Minnesota, Pam and Don Moore formance track and quickly fell in love her body. Neighbors could hear her in moved their daughter home to Port- with her classes—pitch, musical nota- her apartment, shouting at people land, where a psychiatrist diagnosed tion, and music theory. Tracy’s favorite who weren’t there. She wore sandals her with schizophrenia. part of the day was when she got to in the snow. The woman who once dreamed perform in front of a live band. “We Moore said her classmates were of seeing her name in lights now had were onstage a lot,” Tracy says, “and a wary of her. Friends started to pull to struggle to hold down minimum- lot of people thought I was one of the away. Her roommates moved out. wage jobs. best singers “They didn’t want to But Tracy was afraid she’d lost not there.” be my friend, but only her mind, but her future, too. “I The cracks “Not good enough,” they were civil,” she was really scared,” she says, “of what that would even- she remembers Cowell says. “They still was going to become of me.” tually swallow wanted me to sing in her started calling after her. their bands.” Into the spotlight small, Tracy During her third During the summer of 2002, after a remembers. She “But you can sing.” term at Musictech, few months on a new medication, lost her keys. Moore said she Moore began to believe it wasn’t Then she lost called home and unreasonable to dream, once again, her job. asked her mother to sit down. I told of a music career. “I’d wear the same outfit for a her, “Mom, I’m crazy.” In order to boost her confidence, week,” she says. “I’d forget to shower. But even that insight quickly Moore decided to “put myself out I’d get really mad at people I thought disappeared. As her symptoms wors- there.” She talked a friend into were being mean to me and [I’d] yell ened, Tracy lost her awareness of the driving her 16 hours to the Rose at them.” illness. “After a while, I didn’t know I Bowl in Pasadena, California, where Before long, Moore had free-fallen was ill,” she says. “You couldn’t con- she waited in line for three days into a world of delusions. vince me that Earth wasn’t being for a chance to audition for Once, she spent an entire day walk- threatened by aliens.” American Idol. ing in a circle, convinced that was the After a hospitalization in Moore’s waist-length hair, dyed electric blue for the occasion, helped her stand out from the throng of audi- tioners lined up outside the stadium. On August 1, 2003, Moore’s 22nd birthday, she was selected from the crowd to sing on Good Morning Amer- ica. Later that day, Moore made the first cut when just 250 contestants— out of the original 10,000 who showed up at the Los Angeles tryouts—were selected to go on to the next round. A few days later, Moore belted out Melissa Etheridge’s song “I’m the Only One,” for six Fox producers responsible for paring the list of final- ists down to 50. Moore said it felt as though her heart would leap from her chest as the judges cast their votes. It was a unanimous “Yes.” A month later, Moore found her- self in front of a gaggle of television cameras and face to face with Cowell and fellow judge Randy Jackson, a Grammy Award–winning producer. After throwing Cowell off guard by

32 SPRING 2006 | www.szdigest.com telling him she suffered from schizo- only required Tracy phrenia, Moore launched into her to receive twice- song. Cowell and Jackson let Moore monthly blood sing most of the song before Cowell tests, but also made signaled her to stop. her drool and “Not good enough,” she remem- saddled her with bers him saying dismissively. relentless nausea. Jackson wasn’t so sure, “He said, Tracy missed the ‘Um, Um. Uh. I don’t know. I think 2004 tryouts for I’m going to say no,’” Moore recalls. American Idol as she The third celebrity judge, 1980s was hospitalized in pop star Paula Abdul, wasn’t present the summer with Pam and Don Moore moved their daughter back home to because she was ill. another relapse. Portland, where she was diagnosed. Moore says she politely thanked “I notice that the judges and turned to walk out. every time she gets “Not good enough,” she remem- sick,” says Pam group for people with mental ill- bers Cowell calling after her. “But you Moore, “it’s a little harder for her to nesses. They both have roles in Harvey, can sing.” come back.” a Pulitzer Prize–winning play about a With the help of her family, Tracy mild-mannered, pleasant man, who Supporting roles has made substantial progress in the just happens (he says) to have an invis- When Tracy returned home from the past year and a half. Although she still ible friend resembling a six-foot rab- American Idol audition in 2003, she hears the occasional voice and contin- bit. The family also has purchased vowed to practice her singing until the ues to deal with false beliefs, she is well studio time for Tracy to record some 2004 Idol tryouts. Her 15 minutes of enough to live in her own rental of her new songs. fame parlayed into several local per- house and has recently returned to “It is a chronic illness,” Pam Moore formances for mental health fund- singing and songwriting. says. “It never truly goes away, but you raisers and other activities. Tracy also Her family also has thrown them- can take medicines to treat it just like started to take community college selves into being her support system. you can diabetes. There’s a whole classes to become a mental health and Pam Moore is studying to become a bunch of picking up, letting go, addictions counselor—a step on her mental health nurse. Don Moore is picking up, letting go. We still have way to developing a support network the new president of the Multnomah high hopes that Tracy can live a for others with her illness. County chapter of NAMI (National normal life.” Soon, however, Tracy fell into a Alliance on Mental Illness) in Port- common trap. With the voices down land. Tracy’s younger sister, Hilary, a The song goes on to a nearly inaudible whisper, she college freshman, participated in a In August 2005, Don Moore drove his decided it wouldn’t hurt if she genetic study looking into why some daughter to San Francisco where stopped taking her medications. siblings develop schizophrenia and they waited for three days so Tracy Before her parents understood why others don’t. could try out. This time, Tracy was her behavior had again changed so “As a family, we’re learning how to screened out before she got before drastically, Tracy already had slipped cope with the realities of this illness the celebrity judges. away back into a world where she and adjusting to how we deal with The rejection stung. But Moore, thought the Central Intelligence things,” says Don Moore. “I used to get who is hoping to sell some of the songs Agency was monitoring her. so angry—sometimes I still do because she’s written, says she is learning how “I was deluded,” she says. “Off I’m human—but I’ve begun to really to bring herself back to the positive. medications, I refused to get back appreciate the brilliance Tracy has in What she chooses to remember on because I was convinced I was some music she’s done. I just sit there most about her five minutes in front being poisoned.” and think, ‘Wow. To have the thoughts of Simon Cowell isn’t that he said no, When Tracy agreed to start back on and voices in her head and to still be but that he said she could sing! her medication, the formula that had able to do that is pretty remarkable.’” worked so well for her in the past Each night, Pam Moore calls Tracy Michelle Roberts is a freelance writer based in Portland, Oregon. Roberts, who specializes barely dented the psychosis. to remind her to take her medica- in writing about mental health and family Instead, her psychiatrist prescribed tions. On Tuesday nights, Don and issues, was a 2005 Rosalynn Carter Mental a much more potent drug that not Tracy participate in a Portland theater Health Fellow.

Photos: STEPHANIE YAO for the Digest Schizophrenia Digest 33