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320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 84

84

HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES

HEAVY METAL IS A GENRE OF ROCK distinctive names. Heavy metal bands view this darkness as FIGURE 1: WHAT IS HEAVY METAL REBELLING AGAINST? for its loudness, machismo, and theatricality. So complete and inescapable. Not only do they talk it’s no wonder that heavy metal band names are about the darkness in everyday life—Venom, similarly theatrical. What is perhaps unexpected is Poison, Anthrax, Anal Apocalypse—they go on to their universally pessimistic slant. You would think assure viewers that there is no light in the afterlife. being in a heavy metal band is fun: rocking out, hanging with the guys, scoring groupies. Yet most A large percentage of heavy metal band names are heavy metal names focus on the negative: death, open criticisms of modern culture (see Figure 1: darkness, and rampant misspelling. What is Heavy Metal Rebelling Against?), but their favorite thing to rebel against is definitely Of all the band name charts I’ve drawn(1), heavy organized religion, because it accomplishes mul- metal band names are the most homogenous in tiple goals. their philosophical worldview. Blackness and dark- ness are the prevailing themes of heavy metal band 1. It’s easy to make fun of God, because ever since the New Testament, he usually turns the 3. You gotta rebel against something. Why not (1) A cappella, , Adai-adai, Ambient, Anti-folk, other cheek. religion? Appalachia, Bamboo band, Bob Marley tribute bands, Calypso, Celtic Reggae, Delta Blues, Doo wop, Dubtronica, , Ethereal , , Garage 2. Biblical words—sabbath, ragnarok, stigmata, Religious oxymorons like and Bands, Gypsy , Hard bop, High School Marching testament—sound badass, and are closely Shotgun Messiah create especially memorable Bands, Jam Bands, Jug bands, Kabuki, Mambo, Muzak, related to three secondary heavy metal band names. Their popularity suggest that heavy metal Naked funk, , , Polka, Progressive name categories: arcane words, death, and bands are attracted to the hardcore cache of the trance, Quadrille, Raggamuffin, Ramvong, Sacred harp, medieval. badass, vengeful God of the Old Testament while Sea shanties, Tropicalia, Weird Al, and Zydeco. 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 85

HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES 85

simultaneously repelled by the loving Jesus of the popularity of the as a heavy metal Of the foreign words heavy metal bands appropri- New Testament. , and the comparative obscurity of the uni- ate, most are German or Scandinavian. A few are corn horn gesture. (See Figure 2: Know Your Spanish, and none are French. (See Figure 3: I often see interesting shapes emerge when I’m Horns.) This does not, however, mean that listen- Badass Ranking of Foreign Languages.) Germanic charting a subject, but even I was shocked when, ing to metal automatically makes you a Satan wor- languages are an obvious choice because of their during my work on this chart, a flaming pentagram shipper, it simply means you and Satan have one universally menacing tones and bitchin’ umlauts appeared in the middle of the page. It emerged more thing in common besides enjoying porn. (even my coffee table’s name sounds tough). As an suddenly, accompanied by a clap of thunder that added bonus, the blackletter fonts associated with shook my house and stopped all the clocks at mid- An interesting aspect of heavy metal band Germany look great on T-shirts and covers, night. Just as suddenly as it appeared, it disap- names is the large percentage of arcane, for- and can make any word look badass. (See Figure peared, leaving nothing but the stench of sulfur eign, misspelled, or completely made up words: 4: Logo for the Band Bunny Hug.) and a burn mark on my Ikea coffee table (its name Queensryche, , Motley Crue, , Just because a band name isn’t German, that is Ölm—note the umlaut). The debate that raged Agathodaimon, . Their usage seems to be a doesn’t mean it can’t have an umlaut or three. in the 1980s about the link between heavy metal band’s way of saying “We don’t belong to this Why? Why not. The answer is bold in its simplicity, and Satan worshipping can now be put to rest: , we don’t speak your language . . . now get and typifies the heavy metal band’s disregard for heavy metal is the Devil’s music. This explains the out of my room.” rules both societal and grammatical.

FIGURE 2: KNOW YOUR HORNS FIGURE 3: BADASS RANKING OF FIGURE 4: LOGO FOR THE DEATH METAL BAND BUNNY HUG FOREIGN LANGUAGES A B

1. German 6. Italian 2. Russian 7. American 3. Spanish 8. French 4. Cockney 9. British English 10. Indian 5. Japanese 11. Chinese

SIGN OF THE HORNS UNICORN HORN 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 86

86 HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES Motörhead System of a Down Mötley Crüe Blue Öyster Cult Bless the Fall Sick of it All Sepulchral Doom Spinal¨ Tap All That Remains TRIPLE Grim Reaper DOUBLE Dëthkløk UMLAUT Thine Eyes Bleed UMLAUT P Disturbed Fetüs Paranoid PLEAS FOR HELP FAULKNER Pit of Anger ADOLESCENT POETRY REFERENCES A UMLAUTS FOREIGN The Darkness SOUNDING Dark Angel DARK As I Lay Dying Dark Throne METAPHORICAL The Sound and the Fury Dark Tranquility Queensrÿche Corncob Rape PROPER Megadeth Goat Snake Stormtroopers of ENGLISH IS Death DEATH IMAGINARY The FOR Behemoth Corpse Iron Butterfly Carcass DEADLY MISSPELLINGS Death From Above THINGS ANIMALS White

Metallica Anthrax Metal Force METAL Venom BADASS “HELL” PUNS REAL EXTINCT Poison

Skid Row Mastodon Ratt Helloween Overdose Queens of the Anal Apocalypse Budgie Stone Age Hellbilly WICKED Deth DEADLY Sodomy Scorpions PARTY Black Widow Ozzy Biohazard ANIMALS Wolfmother Andrew W.K. 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 87

If you do try, and get your Faith No More face all scarred up because HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES 87 of it, don’t even think about Ministry Death Angel sueing me. I have a team of Warlocks for lawyers. Black Sabbath Dark Angel ANGELS Angel Queef FIGURE 5: CURRENTLY AVAILABLE, COPYRIGHT-FREE HEAVY METAL T Cathedral Physically Impossible. BAND NAMES Don’t even try, you’ll Shotgun Messiah Baal’s Balls hurt yourself. Black Mass PAGAN Wiccan Guidance Angel Witch Gun Knife Counselor Pregnancy StairKase ACTUALLY Heathen Tomb Judas' Hammer FOREIGN The Conjuring Lord Metal and his Axe-Slingers Witch Taint White Zombie of Death RELIGION The Cult Murder Wizard Borknagar Slikk Kitty THE OCCULT Baby Graveyard Pantera Angel Smashers A Quiet Party in Hell for Two Crippled Lucifer Voivod BIBLICAL Anger Force Satan’s Loneliness SATANIC The Drums of the Anti-christ Satan’s Blind Date Spies of Saruman Lamb of God Satan’s Awkward Transylvania Pie Exodus Gropings Lovecraftian Tryst Testament ANCIENT THINGS Rapelings from Planet X POINTLESS Satan’s Child Babylon THAT AREN’T Goddkil BIBLICAL, BUT Gargoyle Nightmare Leaky Stigmata Mercyful Fate ARE BADASS GENERAL Hitlarious Sodom SPOOKINESS Heavenshitt S Edje Ridor Lawnmower Deth Curb Stomp Tango VIKING MEDIEVAL Alcatrazz FROM THE Black Woods Belt of Souls BOOK OF Purgeatory K Bloody Wall of Gore REVELATION Spleen Karkass Hellhammer Dragonforce Gore Hearse Death Ride When I say Gorefest At the Summit of Mt. Sorrow “Warlocks,” I Ragnarok Loki mean the Burning Tomb Rings of the Succubus dragon-taming Armaggedon Odin’s Beard Flesh Castle Sword Cunt magicians, not the East Coast Sign of the Beast Viking Crown Agathodaimon Handicapped Sacrifice motorcycle gang. Mexican Santa Wizard Premature Decapitation 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 116

116

STAND-UP COMEDY

MANY PEOPLE THINK COMEDY is an art, but in everyone listen to you, but don’t actually care FIGURE 1: WHICH COMEDIAN WOULD YOU RATHER BE? actuality it is an exact science just like math, what you’re screaming about. physics, or greyhound racing. As such, it has AB proven laws and equations that, if followed, will If you insist on writing your own semi-original result in surefire laughs. I realize this may come as material, then I can deduce that you lead a tor- a surprise to you, since—to the casual observer— tured and tragic life, since you always insist on it seems like stand-up comedians are pouring their doing things the hard way. Well you’re in , hearts and souls out on stage, relating unique because having a crappy life is a surefire recipe

anecdotes and observations; a small percentage of A. RED SKELTON B. LENNY BRUCE for comedy meat loaf! (Note: everyone loves meat comedians actually are, but these suckers are Made funny faces, fell Skewered society with loaf.) It’s a paradoxical truth that the sweet fruits doing it the hard way. Nobody likes these smarty- down a lot. Imitated an his razor sharp, insight- of comedy often grow from the bitter soil of idiot named Clem ful wit. Arrested multiple pants, and they always have to sit at a table by tragedy. But how do you achieve this alchemy? Kaddidlehopper, and a times for obscenity and themselves in the comedy cafeteria. (See Figure 1: toddler whose catch drug possession. Junkie. How do you turn the lead bricks of tragedy into Which Comedian Would you Rather Be?) phrase was “I dood it!” Died on a bathroom comedy gold? Luckily for you there’s the Tragedy Died rich and beloved at floor, ruined and penni- to Comedy conversion chart. (See Figure 2: the age of 84. less at the age of 41.

The hilarious poet Robert Frost said it best in his Tragedy to Comedy Conversion Chart.) That’s poem “The Road Not Taken”: A answer: Correct right, two comedy charts for the price of one! Now you can turn your shitty life into shitty jokes. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— The Road Not Taken was the last poem Robert Who’s laughing now? That’s right: everybody— I took the far easier road, Frost ever wrote, because after that he was able at you(1). the one with road signs, to afford a ghostwriter. Ghostwriters are worth

and now I’m a famous and rich comedian. considering if you like to be on stage and have (1) In a good way 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 117

(My condolensces) STAND-UP COMEDY 117 FIGURE 2: TRAGEDY TO COMEDY CONVERSION CHART

Is it a personal tragedy? YES Is it a major tragedy? START NO, BUT YOU ! ANECDOTE Is it tragic? YES THINK IT IS. NO YES NO

NO Can you stammer Is it one of the YES NO neurotically? Is it a public tragedy following? Then you’re at the that has occured within wrong chart, aren’t the last two years? Divorce NO you, dumbbell? NO STD Can you get Can you YES YES AIDS really mad? exaggerate? Is it 9/11? The death of a loved one NO NO It better be Are you known as YES a damn YES NO an “edgy” comic? good joke. A handicap that the audience will notice immediately. Can you wryly weave in a YES heart warming life lesson? Cancer NO Assuming newspapers Is it the War YES NO still exist in whatever far of 1812? flung future you’re reading this book (also assuming that books Do you address it YES still exist). If not, try Does the as soon as you googling “hilarious step on stage? NO tragedy.” Or just get NO YES tragedy involve your GiggleBot 2000™ a celebrity? to help.

Are you Tom Green? COMEDY NO YES NO SORRY, ACHIEVED! NOT FUNNY. YOU’RE HILARIOUS! YES Buy a newspaper, find a fresh tragedy. 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 118

118 STAND-UP COMEDY My spouse exudes My spouse rarely Whores Es Stool humping a strange odor. gives me oral sex Awkward! PANTOMIMED (inconsequ thi act “I don’t get no respect!” of Microphone KIDS MY MARRIAGE IS A HOUSE OF HORRORS STDs DATING fellating Vehicular manslaughter

Insufficient MAIL-ORDER Stamp jokes postage SEX So he says to BRIDES the other guy, ZANY MARRIAGE I’m bad “May I push MISUNDER- at it. your stool in?” STANDINGS “That’s no lady!” THAT’S MY WIFE!

MA’ DICK Hookers Women do (EDGY DETOUR) MEN AND Crying Pants off WOMEN ARE P DIFFERENT DEVIANT Animals Vomit Masturbation SOCIAL Poo Midgets EMBARRASSING BODILY Women don’t FAUX PAS FUNCTIONS Sassiness of SITUATIONS Pee THE Ev I’m gay. MIDGETS ELDERLY Fart Deal with it! Public Child abuse drunkenness Catholicism Islam GAYS They talk funny

White trash combo PRATFALLS Into volcano Tal RELIGION They’re gay ANTI Ladies and MINORITIES Golfing Gentlemen, INVOLVING They’re always In gas chamber the Jews! trying to have YOUR NUTS Indian sex with me. RACE Rogue Cheeky toddler BLACK PEOPLE IMPRESSIONS Ordering a pizza CH orangutan AND MY White people WHITE PEOPLE IMMIGRANT But they try! can’t dance ARE DIFFERENT PARENTS TALK Police brutality FUNNY Asian 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 119

Especially: The opposite Embody our human ideal STAND-UP COMEDY 119 ng (inconsequential EVERYTHING SUCKS sex hates me. LAZY Gettin’ old! while absorbing the thing not anger and jealousy of actually worthy our failed dreams and unreasonably inflated Recent national of scorn) expectations. e tragedy NEUROTIC FAT So fat I SUCK (See tragedy to comedy conversion Celebrities chart on page 117) The differences UGLY Get a load of between cats DEPRECATION this schnozz! and dogs. d TOPICAL Pets YOU SUCK STUPID EVERYDAY SATIRE Food (THIRD Whatever country we’re Are you two on a date? PARTY) CROWD currently bombing. Fear them Am I right, ladies? SUCKS WORK There’s an Indian guy in the crowd! Anybody celebrating INSIGHTFUL BECAUSE I SECRETLY: POLITICAL anything? OBSERVATIONS Evny them Am one of them Nice shirt, asshole. PANDERING The (nemesis of your local sports team) suck! Whoever’s President bawdy

EXISTENTIAL LYMERICKS ANGRY Saying things they’d Talking dirty to a hooker never say in real life. Drugs are good!

MISCELLANEOUS I’ll smoke cigarettes JESUS if I want to! RELIGIOUS JACK NICHOLSON PROP COMEDY IMPERSONATIONS

Willie PUNS “He’s a real nutzi blockhead!” SATAN DA POPE CHRISTOPHER WALKEN Making ROBERT DENIRO a prank phone call (BONUS POINTS) VENTRILAQUISM “I’m not racist, my dummy is.” Smoking crack together Smoking weed together 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 130

130

TATTOOS

YOU WANT TO GET A TATTOO, but you don’t Using a combination of statistics, psychology, sci- following four tattoos (see Figure 1: The Only know what tattoo to get. You realize that the right ence, and good old-fashioned witchcraft, the Tattoos that Haven’t Been Used Yet), and depend- tattoo could transform your life: motivate you to Perfect Tattoo Flowchart™ is guaranteed to lead ing on when you read this, those tattoos may have take that cross-country motorcycle trip, get that you to a tattoo that’s right for you. Perhaps you’re been taken too, probably by Johnny Depp. hot barista at Starbucks to notice you, and make thinking “But I don’t want a tattoo off a chart, I your big belt buckle appear un-ironic. But you also want a totally unique, one-of-a-kind tattoo, to Choosing a tattoo is a two-part process. You know that the wrong tattoo could ruin your life: get reflect my completely unique and special-like-a- must not only choose the tattoo, but also its you kicked out of drama club, send unintended snowflake personality.” I hate to break it to you, placement on your body, which will affect the secret messages to bisexuals, and prevent you but there are no unique tattoos left, and tattoo’s meaning. (See Figure 2: Who Should from wearing short sleeves at family reunions. snowflakes are an optical illusion created by Get Tattoos in the Following Places?) If you go swamp gas. Everything that can be tattooed onto a into the tattoo shop and don’t specify where Choosing what tattoo to get is literally the most person (or pot-bellied pig) has been, except for the you want that ink, it could end up anywhere, important decision you will ever make in your entire life, and if you accuse me of hyperbole I will FIGURE 1: THE ONLY TATTOOS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN USED YET, BUT NOW THAT THEY’RE IN A BOOK, HAVE PROBABLY BEEN USED never forgive you in a billion years. Like most important decisions, choosing a tattoo is some- thing you’re not qualified to do on your own, which is the same reason we have the electoral college. Luckily for you there is now a flowchart to answer the question that your pastor is too holier-than- thou to help you with. OTTOMAN EMPIRE MAP, RACCOON SHARK TONGUE DEPRESSOR SEXY BANANA CIRCA 1914 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 131

TATTOOS 131

even on someone else. Here’s an example of FIGURE 2: WHO SHOULD GET TATTOOS IN THE FOLLOWING FRONT how the same tattoo in different locations sends 1 BODY LOCATIONS? 2 vastly different messages. 9

4 1. FACE: Carnies, Prize Fighters, Heavy Metal

• American flag on arm: You’re a proud patriot. 3 Drummers, Jailhouse Snitches 6 • American flag on thigh: You’re a patriot, but 2. STERNUM: Secret Society Members, Assassins, only willing to reveal that information to Prisoners, Tortured Souls 7 certain people. 3. BOOBS (FEMALES ONLY): Burlesque Dancers, • American flag on butt: You’re unpatriotic. 8 10 Exhibitionists, Crazy Bitches • American flag on forehead: You’re a psycho. 4. UPPER ARM: Normal People, Average Joes, Plumbers • American flag covering entire face and both 12 5. ANKLE: Islanders, Surfers, Cowards fists: You’re a government engineered 6. FULL SLEEVE: Bikers, Artists, Lead Guitarists 5 superhero. 7. PELVIS: Sexy Divorcees, Cock Teases

8. THIGH: Introverts, Bassists People often decide to get a tattoo because of a BACK 9. NECK: Serious Customers, Thugs, Mixed Martial dramatic life change—a difficult breakup, 14 Arts Experts, Bus Drivers with Mysterious Pasts whirlwind summer in Thailand, or mob initiation 10. STOMACH: Optimists, Rappers ceremony. Be careful not to let the emotional tur- 11. FOREARM: Sailors, Baristas, Truckers 13 moil of that moment cloud your tattoo judgment. 12. GENITALS: MALE: Perverts, Rapists, Porn Stars 11 Remember that that tattoo is going to be inscribed FEMALE: Dancers, Suicide Girls, my Ex-Girlfriend in your flesh for the rest of your life, until the day 16 16 13. FULL BACK: Yakuza, Freaky Hot Chics, Patriots you die and are denied burial in a Jewish cemetery 14. BACK OF NECK: Dystopia Worker Drones, Buddhists 15 because you defaced your body and broke your 17 15. LOWER BACK: Tramps, Hos, Young Naifs grandmother’s heart—you monster. 16. PALMS: Wizards, Witches, Hypnotists

17. BUTT: Party Animals, Drunks, Steve O., You 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 132

STAR 132 TATTOOS Please CELTIC KNOT proceed to ONCE YOU column 2 on GET THIS SWALLOW page 134, TATTOO SKULL Are you a relatively normal ma’am. YOU WILL BE + flames, top hat person who just thinks it would YES YOUR ZODIAC SIGN ! START be kind of cool to get a very SNAKE SOME PHRASE IN small tattoo in a subtle location? NO LATIN SPIDER

SCORPION NO, YOU’RE BUTTERFLY Do you defy gender + erect phallus NOT A PUSSY. NO stereotypes? YES Are you a woman? YES PANTHER Have you recently + clawing his way out of lost a friend or your skin NO Are you in love? NO YES loved one? NO Are you badass? Are you a trucker? YES YES THEIR FACE NAKED LADY SEXY ROBOT YES THEIR NAME THE NAME OF DISEMBODIED VAGINA HULA GIRL YES Do you never want YOUR BEAU to be stuck without NO YOUR RIG “IN LOVING FEMALE DRAGON NAKED ANGEL something to MEMORY” THE NAME OF masturbate to? YOUR CHILD LADY BARBARIAN LADY YOUR RIG’S NAME BIGGIE MOM DOLLY PARTON SEXY ALIEN A LONE WOLF NO Why + full moon TUPAC not? + banner, heart, nice + snake, jungle cat, uzi, viking helmet, YOSEMITE SAM + angels, R.I.P. scripty font come-hither glance D NO Are you in prison? m DEMON RAPING YOU PREFER ANGEL SATAN BLEEDING JESUS YES IN RUSSIA NOT YET PENTAGRAM ON CRUCIFIX Do you love Jesus, + goat’s head + flames, barbed wire but in a badass kind of way? A TEAR FOR EVERY 666 CROWN OF THORNS YES PERSON YOU’VE G KILLED ORTHODOX “THUG LIFE” +t JESUS HOLDING CHURCH DEVIL PIMP + 1 minaret for every LAMB SPIDERWEB AK-47 L year in prison HOT DEVIL CHIC O ANGEL AND DEMON AND YOU ENJOY THE LAST SUPPER SCARFACE THE ARTWORK CRUCIFIX ON DEMON FETUS GRAPPLING RIDDLED WITH S OF THE CHEST PIMP ROLLING DICE + smoking blunt MICHELANGELO’S BULLET HOLES A VIRGIN MARY RENAISSANCE LAST JUDGEMENT TOMCAT CLOCK WITHOUT ALIEN PIMP S THE SACRED HEART B 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 133

TATTOOS 133 TRIBAL BAND ONLY FOR BARBED WIRE YES BANTHA SKULL STAR WARS DECEPTICON LOGO CHINESE ZELDA TRIFORCE LEIA IN GOLD THUNDERCATS CHARACTER YOU THINK ONLY FOR METAL BIKINI LOGO YOU’RE NOT, Are you a ? CLASSIC TANOOKI MARIO KOI BUT YOU ARE NES REBEL ALLIANCE TETRIS BLOCKS OR EMPIRE LOGO USB PORT NO Unless your frat 1-UP MUSHROOM YODA BATMAN LOGO brothers get you DRAGON + bong drunk on the way Do you use irony as a NES ZAPPER 12-SIDED DIE ON out of ROBOT DRAGON THE LAST SUPPER, NUTSACK to the tattoo parlor. defense system against TUCKED INTO YOUR y STAR WARS EDITION the bleak tedium and PANTS DRAGON WARRIOR WATCHMEN LOGO minor disappointments POWER GLOVE DARTH MAUL FACE “FAG” CYBORG WARRIOR of modern life? on your , actual TATTOO PAC MAN (See 100 Minor size Disappointments, page 135) “I SUX DIX” WIZARD FIGHTING TWO AT-ATS L.O.T.R., THE ONE WARLOCK HUMPING, RING INSCRIPTION + in the original elvish “BUTTLICKER” DOGGY-STYLE lettering NINJA YES NO, YOU USE: NO COCK AND BALLS HELLO KITTY DARTH ME WEIRD AL + on your forehead VADER AUTOGRAPH PABST LOGO WEED RUM NO WINNIE THE POOH PEYOTE JAR OF PEANUT Are you a NO ONLY BUTTER SHROOM non-conformist? Do you like to DEMOCRATS + caterpillar, hooka murder people? AND ABORTION BACON DREAMCATCHER DOCTORS TROPICAL FROG YES SIX-PACK ON SITTING BULL (OR Has this chart STOMACH FETUS SMOKING CRAZY HORSE) lead you to BALD EAGLE A BONG BARCODE the perfect YES + missile in talons HANDLEBAR LONGHORN SKULL tattoo? MUSTACHE LAUGHING BUDDHA BLACK FLAG LOGO GRIM REAPER AMERICAN FLAG on COYOTE +throne of skulls YING YANG +eagle feathers, mesa ANARCHY SYMBOL NO CONFEDERATE A SCENE FROM LOVE AND HATE FLAG SOME OBSCURE OBEY GIANT ON KNUCKLES FILM USA! USA! HAMMER AND You must SCALES OF LIFE ALF ANCHOR CAPTAIN JACK SICKLE have used it DICE AND DEATH CALVIN PEEING ON SPARROW wrong. Try again, SADDAM HUSSEIN PIRATE SHIP MAN WITH MOUTH and this time SWASTIKA SHARK AND EYES SEWN be honest. BETWEEN EYES F-14 MERMAID + sunglasses SHUT 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 134

FAIRY WINNIE THE POOH PUPPY BUTTERFLY 14 TATTOOS +riding dragonfly, 134 TATTOOS mushroom EEYORE KITTEN TREE OF LIFE

PREGNANT FAIRY SNOW WHITE BEAR CUB SUN AND MOON + lilies HELLO Do you believe in YES DANCING WOOD CINDERELLA BABY SEAL NAKED WOMAN ! LADIES magic? NYMPH CUDDLING LION BETTY BOOP CLIMBING VINES SORCERESS ONLY BABY YES TINKERBELL ANIMALS (You look especially NO UNICORN RAINBOW lovely this evening.) MINNIE MOUSE

Do you believe in Do you love nature? ONLY FLOWERS NOT ANYMORE HEART YES YES NO true love? + together forever, roses

DOLPHIN LOTUS BLOSSOM “TRUST NO MAN, What PLAYBOY BUNNY Have you matured ONLY THE FEAR NO BITCH” NO a sad life you ROSE must live at all since you AQUATIC MANATEE TRAMP STAMP were ten years old? PORTIONS BROKEN HEART +hearts, butterfly, tribal STARFISH LILY

HEART PIERCED BY SEASHELL SUNFLOWER DAGGER YES, AND NO Are you pure and EASY TOO NARWHALE HEART-SHAPED sweet? NO PADLOCK Has this chart lead you to the THE TATTOO YOU Are you a sexy perfect tattoo? NO YES, BUT IN A GOT OF YOUR CHERRIES bitch? RETRO, EX-BOYFRIEND’S YES Are you a classy BURLESQUE NO NAME POORLY dame? SWALLOW KIND OF WAY COVERED BY HUGE OLD SAILOR TATTOO OF A BLACK YES YOU’RE JUST A ANGEL WINGS TATTOOS ROSE Find some ON BACK BITCH YES other way to HORSESHOE reinvent ANGEL JAGUAR SPOTS “BITCH” yourself. STARS FLEUR DE LIS CHERUB “SEXY BITCH” “DIVA” PIN-UP GIRL RIBBON AND BOW CUPCAKE TIGER PAW “PRINCESS” PIERCING FLAMES STARS DOVE “CHOCOLATE CAKE” “PRECIOUS” on nipples and vagina SEXUAL on ass, works only for ORIENTATION DEMURE GEISHA WHITE LILY black girls ANY TATTOO YOU’D REVERSAL EXPECT TO SEE ON A SEXY BITCH AN OLD MAN. + nude, eating a cherry * see page 17 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 135

TATTOOS 135

(from Tattoos chart, page 133)

52. Poem unintentionally hilarious 81. Circus ratty 100 MINOR DISAPPOINTMENTS 53. Daughter plain 82. Fortune-teller vague 54. Altoids not as intense as their 83. Effects of exercise regiment gradual marketing claims 84. Solar eclipse unimpressive 1. empty 25. Company outing businesslike 55. Hero rude 85. Vending machine out of order 2. Antique worthless 26. Triscuits unsalted 56. Bin Laden uncaptured 86. Soda flat 3. Puppy too sleepy to play 27. Twist ending predictable 57. Cat unaffectionate 87. Expensive wine’s taste indescern- 4. Hot tub tepid 28. Crossword puzzle difficult 58. Baby ugly able from regular wine 5. Mall Santa slightly Asian 29. Magic eye picture not working 59. Sermon soporific 88. Buffet selection limited 6. Long story pointless 30. Comedian tragic 60. Imported cheese smelly 89. New cubicle same as old cubicle 7. Spouse aging 31. Birthday ignored 61. Portion too small 90. Sequel not as good as original 8. Caricature looks nothing like you 32. Presents crappy 62. Fancy cigar tastes like a bundle of 91. Awesome dream just a dream 9. Potato chips baked 33. No free refills on soda burning leaves 92. Son not good enough to play major 10. Savages not noble 34. Prayer unanswered 63. Really cute heels uncomfortable league ball 11. Picnic rained out 35. Nature buggy 64. Leftover french fries inedible 93. Pen pal poor speller 12. Summer camp friends drift apart 36. Ebay bid outbid 65. Beach crowded 94. Lap dance perfunctory in the Fall 37. Innocence slowly eroding 66. Beloved film from your childhood 95. left hangin’ 13. Au pair not attractive; not even 38. Sex anticlimactic not as good as you remember it 96. Scrabble triple word score word French 39. Star Wars prequels 67. Three-day weekend squandered disputed 14. Vacation too short 40. Party not wild 68. Role model sexist 97. Inspirational quote uninspiring 15. Revenge hollow 41. “Best years of your life” okay 69. Boxing match civilized 98. Monkeyhouse closed for cleaning 16. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of 42. Nostalgia unwarranted 70. Chicken salad sandwich dry 99. Disappointment list one disap- the Crystal Skull 43. Foreign film hard to follow 71. Dog disobedient pointment short 17. Mentor lecherous 44. New haircut funky—and not in a 72. Season finale inscrutable 18. Sasquatch sighting faked good way 73. No room for dessert 19. Outfit that looked great in the 45. Swimsuit unflattering 74. Youth fleeting store looks not so great at home 46. Master’s degree useless 75. Second place 20. Cookies eaten by roommate 47. Foreplay cursory 76. Psychiatrist preoccupied 21. Grandparents racist 48. New sweater not complimented 77. Old person not full of wisdom 22. Amish village touristy 49. Blog unread 78. Art unappreciated 23. Organic food unhealthy 50. Limerick not bawdy 79. Retirement boring 24. Pancakes too filling 51. Toast burnt 80. Christmas not white