320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 84 84 HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES HEAVY METAL IS A GENRE OF ROCK distinctive names. Heavy metal bands view this darkness as FIGURE 1: WHAT IS HEAVY METAL REBELLING AGAINST? for its loudness, machismo, and theatricality. So complete and inescapable. Not only do they talk it’s no wonder that heavy metal band names are about the darkness in everyday life—Venom, similarly theatrical. What is perhaps unexpected is Poison, Anthrax, Anal Apocalypse—they go on to their universally pessimistic slant. You would think assure viewers that there is no light in the afterlife. being in a heavy metal band is fun: rocking out, hanging with the guys, scoring groupies. Yet most A large percentage of heavy metal band names are heavy metal names focus on the negative: death, open criticisms of modern culture (see Figure 1: darkness, and rampant misspelling. What is Heavy Metal Rebelling Against?), but their favorite thing to rebel against is definitely Of all the band name charts I’ve drawn(1), heavy organized religion, because it accomplishes mul- metal band names are the most homogenous in tiple goals. their philosophical worldview. Blackness and dark- ness are the prevailing themes of heavy metal band 1. It’s easy to make fun of God, because ever since the New Testament, he usually turns the 3. You gotta rebel against something. Why not (1) A cappella, Acid jazz, Adai-adai, Ambient, Anti-folk, other cheek. religion? Appalachia, Bamboo band, Bob Marley tribute bands, Calypso, Celtic Reggae, Delta Blues, Doo wop, Dubtronica, Emo, Ethereal Wave, Futurepop, Garage 2. Biblical words—sabbath, ragnarok, stigmata, Religious oxymorons like Black Sabbath and Bands, Gypsy funk, Hard bop, High School Marching testament—sound badass, and are closely Shotgun Messiah create especially memorable Bands, Jam Bands, Jug bands, Kabuki, Mambo, Muzak, related to three secondary heavy metal band names. Their popularity suggest that heavy metal Naked funk, Nerdcore, Nintendocore, Polka, Progressive name categories: arcane words, death, and bands are attracted to the hardcore cache of the trance, Quadrille, Raggamuffin, Ramvong, Sacred harp, medieval. badass, vengeful God of the Old Testament while Sea shanties, Tropicalia, Weird Al, and Zydeco. 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 85 HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES 85 simultaneously repelled by the loving Jesus of the popularity of the sign of the horns as a heavy metal Of the foreign words heavy metal bands appropri- New Testament. gesture, and the comparative obscurity of the uni- ate, most are German or Scandinavian. A few are corn horn gesture. (See Figure 2: Know Your Spanish, and none are French. (See Figure 3: I often see interesting shapes emerge when I’m Horns.) This does not, however, mean that listen- Badass Ranking of Foreign Languages.) Germanic charting a subject, but even I was shocked when, ing to metal automatically makes you a Satan wor- languages are an obvious choice because of their during my work on this chart, a flaming pentagram shipper, it simply means you and Satan have one universally menacing tones and bitchin’ umlauts appeared in the middle of the page. It emerged more thing in common besides enjoying porn. (even my coffee table’s name sounds tough). As an suddenly, accompanied by a clap of thunder that added bonus, the blackletter fonts associated with shook my house and stopped all the clocks at mid- An interesting aspect of heavy metal band Germany look great on T-shirts and album covers, night. Just as suddenly as it appeared, it disap- names is the large percentage of arcane, for- and can make any word look badass. (See Figure peared, leaving nothing but the stench of sulfur eign, misspelled, or completely made up words: 4: Logo for the Death Metal Band Bunny Hug.) and a burn mark on my Ikea coffee table (its name Queensryche, Pantera, Motley Crue, Megadeth, Just because a band name isn’t German, that is Ölm—note the umlaut). The debate that raged Agathodaimon, Ratt. Their usage seems to be a doesn’t mean it can’t have an umlaut or three. in the 1980s about the link between heavy metal band’s way of saying “We don’t belong to this Why? Why not. The answer is bold in its simplicity, and Satan worshipping can now be put to rest: world, we don’t speak your language . now get and typifies the heavy metal band’s disregard for heavy metal is the Devil’s music. This explains the out of my room.” rules both societal and grammatical. FIGURE 2: KNOW YOUR HORNS FIGURE 3: BADASS RANKING OF FIGURE 4: LOGO FOR THE DEATH METAL BAND BUNNY HUG FOREIGN LANGUAGES A B 1. German 6. Italian 2. Russian 7. American 3. Spanish 8. French 4. Cockney 9. British English 10. Indian 5. Japanese 11. Chinese SIGN OF THE HORNS UNICORN HORN 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 86 86 HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES Cradle of Filth Motörhead System of a Down Mötley Crüe Blue Öyster Cult Bless the Fall Sick of it All Sepulchral Doom Spinal¨ Tap All That Remains TRIPLE Suicidal Tendencies Grim Reaper DOUBLE Dëthkløk UMLAUT Thine Eyes Bleed UMLAUT P Disturbed Fetüs Paranoid PLEAS FOR HELP FAULKNER Pit of Anger ADOLESCENT POETRY REFERENCES A UMLAUTS FOREIGN The Darkness SOUNDING Dark Angel DARK As I Lay Dying Dark Throne METAPHORICAL The Sound and the Fury Dark Tranquility Queensrÿche Corncob Rape PROPER Megadeth Goat Snake Stormtroopers of ENGLISH IS Death DEATH IMAGINARY The Cancer Bats FOR NERDS My Dying Bride Behemoth Corpse Iron Butterfly Carcass DEADLY Whitesnake MISSPELLINGS Death From Above THINGS ANIMALS White Lion Metallica Anthrax Metal Force METAL Venom BADASS “HELL” PUNS REAL EXTINCT Metal Church Poison Skid Row Mastodon Ratt Korn Helloween Overdose Queens of the Anal Apocalypse Budgie Stone Age Led Zeppelin Hellbilly WICKED Drowning Pool Iron Maiden Deth Hellelujah DEADLY Sodomy Manowar Napalm Death Eyehategod Slayer Scorpions PARTY Black Widow Ozzy Biohazard ANIMALS Wolfmother Andrew W.K. 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 87 If you do try, and get your Faith No More Morbid Angel face all scarred up because HEAVY METAL BAND NAMES 87 of it, don’t even think about Ministry Death Angel sueing me. I have a team of Warlocks for lawyers. Black Sabbath Dark Angel Judas Priest ANGELS Angel Queef FIGURE 5: CURRENTLY AVAILABLE, COPYRIGHT-FREE HEAVY METAL T Cathedral Physically Impossible. BAND NAMES Don’t even try, you’ll Shotgun Messiah Baal’s Balls hurt yourself. Black Mass PAGAN Wiccan Guidance Angel Witch Gun Knife Counselor Pregnancy StairKase ACTUALLY Burning Witch Heathen Tomb Judas' Hammer FOREIGN The Conjuring Lord Metal and his Axe-Slingers Witch Taint White Zombie of Death Dimmu Borgir RELIGION The Cult Murder Wizard Borknagar Slikk Kitty THE OCCULT Baby Graveyard Pantera Angel Smashers Sepultura A Quiet Party in Hell for Two Crippled Lucifer Voivod BIBLICAL Anger Force Satan’s Loneliness SATANIC The Drums of the Anti-christ Satan’s Blind Date Spies of Saruman Lamb of God Satan’s Awkward Transylvania Pie Exodus Gropings Lovecraftian Tryst Testament ANCIENT THINGS Rapelings from Planet X POINTLESS Satan’s Child Babylon THAT AREN’T Goddkil BIBLICAL, BUT Gargoyle Nightmare Leaky Stigmata Mercyful Fate ARE BADASS GENERAL Hitlarious Sodom SPOOKINESS Heavenshitt Def Leppard S Edje Ridor Lawnmower Deth Curb Stomp Tango VIKING MEDIEVAL Alcatrazz FROM THE Black Woods Belt of Souls BOOK OF Purgeatory K Bloody Wall of Gore REVELATION Spleen Karkass Hellhammer Dragonforce Gore Hearse Death Ride When I say Gorefest At the Summit of Mt. Sorrow “Warlocks,” I Ragnarok Loki The Sword mean the Burning Tomb Rings of the Succubus dragon-taming Armaggedon Odin’s Beard Flesh Castle Sword Cunt magicians, not the East Coast Sign of the Beast Viking Crown Agathodaimon Handicapped Sacrifice motorcycle gang. Mexican Santa Wizard Premature Decapitation 320938_Text_v3.qxd:. 7/15/10 5:13 PM Page 116 116 STAND-UP COMEDY MANY PEOPLE THINK COMEDY is an art, but in everyone listen to you, but don’t actually care FIGURE 1: WHICH COMEDIAN WOULD YOU RATHER BE? actuality it is an exact science just like math, what you’re screaming about. physics, or greyhound racing. As such, it has AB proven laws and equations that, if followed, will If you insist on writing your own semi-original result in surefire laughs. I realize this may come as material, then I can deduce that you lead a tor- a surprise to you, since—to the casual observer— tured and tragic life, since you always insist on it seems like stand-up comedians are pouring their doing things the hard way. Well you’re in luck, hearts and souls out on stage, relating unique because having a crappy life is a surefire recipe anecdotes and observations; a small percentage of A. RED SKELTON B. LENNY BRUCE for comedy meat loaf! (Note: everyone loves meat comedians actually are, but these suckers are Made funny faces, fell Skewered society with loaf.) It’s a paradoxical truth that the sweet fruits doing it the hard way. Nobody likes these smarty- down a lot. Imitated an his razor sharp, insight- of comedy often grow from the bitter soil of idiot named Clem ful wit. Arrested multiple pants, and they always have to sit at a table by tragedy. But how do you achieve this alchemy? Kaddidlehopper, and a times for obscenity and themselves in the comedy cafeteria. (See Figure 1: toddler whose catch drug possession. Junkie. How do you turn the lead bricks of tragedy into Which Comedian Would you Rather Be?) phrase was “I dood it!” Died on a bathroom comedy gold? Luckily for you there’s the Tragedy Died rich and beloved at floor, ruined and penni- to Comedy conversion chart.