Toward a Theory of Relational Accountability: An Invitational Approach to Living Narrative Ethics in Couple Relationships

Thomas Stone Carlson ~ A ma n da Ha ire North Dakota State University

Thomas Stone Carlson is a professor and program coordinator in the Couple and Family Therapy Doctoral Program at North Dakota State University. He has been applying narrative ideas in his therapy and teaching for many years and particularly enjoys exploring new and creative ways to apply narrative ideas in his therapy and supervision practices. Amanda Haire is in private practice in Fargo, ND, USA and is an instructor in the Couple and Family Therapy Program at North Dakota State University. Amanda regularly uses narrative philosophy, ethics and ideas in her work with the people who consult her. She especially enjoys situating all of her teaching and supervision in a narrative ethics regardless of the course content. Please address correspondence to the first author at: NDSU Dept #2615 PO BOX 6050, Fargo, ND 58108-6050

A b st ra ct This paper describes an approach to couples therapy that seeks to help couples intimately apply the ethics of narrative ideas in their personal lives and relationships. This intimate application of narrative ideas is focused on helping partners to gain an appreciation for the shaping effects of their actions on one another’s stories of self and to engage in intentional relationship practices that nurture and positively shape the stories of self of their partners. While this approach to working with couples is centred in a narrative philosophy and ethics, alternative practices are presented to help couples challenge the negative effects of individualising discourses on their lives and relationships and to enter preferred relationship practices that are informed by a relational understanding of self and accountability.

Key words: narrative therapy, ethics, accountability, social constructionism, couples therapy, intimate accountability practices

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 1 more and more aware of the ways that our conversations Our Shared Experience shaped the stories of self of the people with whom we worked, of Living Narrative Ethics we were confronted with an intimate awareness of the very real effects that our daily interactions had on the lives of our The ideas presented in this paper represent an attempt, own partners, children, families, and friends. We experienced over the past many years, to intimately apply the values and first-hand Michael White’s assertion that narrative therapy ethics that are central to the practice of narrative therapy is more than just an approach to therapy, but rather, it in the lives of couples in intimate relationships. While the represents more of ‘an epistemology, a philosophy, a personal practice of narrative therapy is most known for its focus commitment, a politics, an ethics, a practice, a life . . .’ on the externalisation of problems and the identification of (White, 1995, p. 37). alternative stories of persons’ lives, the uniqueness of this As we embraced the politics, ethics, and practice of approach is not found in its techniques, but rather in the narrative ideas in our own lives, we were startled by the types of relationships that these ideas invite therapists to ethical implications that this particular philosophy of life enter into with the persons who consult them. Freedman and presented to our lives and daily interactions with others. Combs (1996) describe their first experience of witnessing If, as White believed, ‘we live by the stories that we have Michael White’s work is this way, ‘When we met him, we about our lives, that these stories actually shape our lives, were immediately attracted to White’s work, to the kind of constitute our lives, and …embrace our lives’ (White, 1995, relationships he forged with the people who came to see him, pp. 13–14), and if these stories of self are continually being and to the way he lives out his values both inside and outside constructed in and through our relationships with other the therapy context’ (p. 14). As we work with therapists who persons (Weingarten, 1991), we then, as persons, are always are learning narrative ideas as trainers and professors, we participating in the shaping of the stories of the persons are always curious about how they came to be interested with whom we come into contact. As we considered the in and drawn to narrative ideas. When asked this question, powerful effects that stories have in determining a person’s like Freedman and Combs, they, too, often speak of being experience of self and possibilities for action in this world, inspired not by the techniques of the work, but by the ways we were again confronted with the serious consideration that narrative ideas have transformed their relationships with that, in our everyday interactions with those we love, we the people with whom they work. are responsible for the ways our actions shape the stories Our own experience in witnessing the work of Michael White, of their lives, whether or not the effects of our interactions David Epston and other narrative therapists, has been similar. are intentional. This understanding was unsettling for us as We were inspired by the compassion and hopefulness that we were suddenly faced with the knowledge that we are were present in the work of the narrative therapists that we always and inescapably accountable for the ways in which had the opportunity to witness. We were also inspired by the we participate in shaping the stories of our own partners ways in which White and Epston attended to the shaping and children. In an effort to relate to our newfound sense of effects that his interactions had on the lives and stories accountability, we immediately called upon the ethics and of self of the persons who consulted him, and his intense practices of narrative ideas to guide our interactions in our interest in consulting persons about the ongoing effects that relationships. These ethics and practices have required us to these conversations were having on their lives. While these rethink common notions of responsibility and accountability relational ethics certainly seemed to have a transformative in relationships. Concepts like mutual responsibility and effect on the people with whom they met, they also seemed bank account metaphors were no longer viable to us. From to have a transformative effect on therapists’ lives. As we this new perspective, we had to consider the reality that we became more and more immersed in narrative ideas, we were always more accountable than anyone else for the quickly witnessed the shaping effects that these ideas had in shaping effects of our actions. We considered ourselves our work as therapists as well. We found it easier to embrace more accountable, not because we were somehow better a more hopeful and compassionate outlook in our work, or superior, but precisely because it was the only tenable and began to notice that the people who consulted us solution to maintaining a sense of intimate accountability for were experiencing a level of change and transformation the shaping effects that our everyday interactions had on the that we had long hoped for when we first decided to stories of those with whom we came in contact. If we were become therapists. always accountable for the shaping effects of our actions, While we were hopeful that narrative ideas would create then we had to be intentional about interacting with our the types of change and transformations that we were partners and children in ways that made positive contributions witnessing in the lives of the people who consulted us, we to their stories of self, and to be ever-mindful of the times that were not prepared for the ways in which narrative ideas would our actions (intentional or not) encouraged them to enter into transform our own lives and relationships. As we became negative or impoverishing stories of self.

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 2 Since embracing the ethics of narrative ideas has been so centred in the role that stories play in shaping the stories inspiring in our own lives and relationships, it seemed to be of self that people are recruited into about their lives. As a worthwhile endeavour to apply these ideas to our work was previously mentioned, these stories are constitutive of with the couples who consulted us. It was our hope that by persons’ lives in that they shape the very expressions that are inviting couples to live and embrace the ethics of narrative possible for people’s lives and the meanings that they ascribe ideas in their lives, it would inspire them to enter into new to those expressions (White, 1995). As such, the stories that ways of being in relationship with one another that would people enter into have serious consequences or real effects be situated in a new understanding of accountability for the on their lives. According to the narrative metaphor, the stories shaping effects of their actions on one another’s stories of of people’s lives are not self-made; rather, they are continually self. It was also our hope that these ideas would help couples being constituted in and through our relationships with other be more intentional about engaging in relationship practices people. The writings of Michael White frequently refer to the that encourage their partners to enter into more preferred responsibility that therapists have for the real effects that our stories of self. As we have attempted to apply these ideas in involvement in the lives of the people who consult us have on our work, it became necessary to make some adaptations the stories that they enter into about their lives and identities. to the typical practices commonly associated with narrative For example, White states: ideas. Our work was no longer about helping persons to enter If we acknowledge that it is the stories that have been into their own preferred stories of self but, rather, to invite negotiated about our lives that make up or shape or persons to experience an intimate sense of accountability for constitute our lives, and if in therapy we collaborate the shaping effects of their actions on their partner’s story of with persons in the further negotiation and renegotiation self, and to enter into relationship practices that intentionally of the stories of persons’ lives, then we really are in a shape their partner’s story of self in preferred ways. This shift position of having to face and to accept, more than ever, a has required us to re-imagine our work with couples and to responsibility for the real effects of our interactions on the explore ways in which we could invite them to embrace the lives of others (White, 1995, pp. 14–15). ethics of narrative ideas in their own lives and relationships. Collectively, we have spent the past 20 years developing While White is referring to the implications of these ideas on and refining an approach to therapy that helps guide couples therapists’ work with the people who consult them, relational through such a process, and have been inspired by the ways accountability expands this important implication to include that these ideas have transformed the lives and relationships the responsibilities that partners have for the shaping of the couples with whom we have had the honour of working. effects of their interactions on their partners’ lives and the In this paper, it is our hope to outline the beliefs and practices types of stories that they encourage their partners to enter that inform this approach to therapy that we have come to call into. From this perspective, our interactions within intimate ‘Relational Accountability’. relationships are never neutral. Everything that we do or say – or think or feel, for that matter – literally participates in shaping the stories of our partners’ lives. The implications Guiding Principles of of this idea are far reaching in that we become inescapably Relational Accountability accountable for the effects of our daily interactions in the lives of our partners and the stories that these actions invite There are three primary principles that inform the practices them to enter into. Since it is impossible for our actions to that are associated with relational accountability. The first not shape a person’s story of self, from this perspective, we principle is based on the social constructionist notion of become responsible not only for the ways that we intentionally the relational self. According to the social constructionist shape our partner’s story of self, but also for the times that position, the self is a relational achievement and is continually we unintentionally act in ways that encourage our partners being constructed and reconstructed in our relationships to enter into impoverishing stories of self. We refer to this with other people. Weingarten (1991) states that, ‘In the notion as radical responsibility; radical because of the way social constructionist view, the experience of self exists in in which this idea turns the notion of responsibility in couple the ongoing interchange with others . . . the self continually relationships on its head by removing notions of responsibility creates itself through narratives that include other people who from an individualist discourse that privileges the idea that we are reciprocally woven into these narratives’ (p. 289). This are only responsible for hurting another person if our actions relational understanding of self is central to the ethics that are were intentional. associated with the practice of relational accountability as it The third principle of relational accountability acknowledges implies that each of us actively participates in constructing the the role that cultural practices and power structures (i.e., selves of others. power structures that create unequal relationships between The second guiding principle of relational accountability is persons based on gender, race, sexual orientation, gender

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 3 identity, ability status, etc.) play in shaping the stories of led Levinas to make a radical proposal that placed ethics, not persons’ lives (Morgan, 2001). Such a perspective is central being, at the centre of philosophy. An ethics-first philosophy to the philosophy of narrative therapy and is vital to our work places relationship (not self) at the centre of all knowledge: a when using the ideas associated with relational accountability. knowledge that invites us into an understanding that we are Since not all people have equal access to power in society always responsible for the other. It is this sense of always and in their relationships, and since certain people experience being responsible for the other, or the ways that we are a greater level of privilege in their relationships, it is important always constituting the self of an other, that is at the heart of to acknowledge that both partners may not have equal power relational accountability. in shaping the stories of their partners’ lives. Therefore, the power differences that exist in couple relationships need to be taken into consideration before beginning any How Individualistic Notions conversation about accountability. For example, in our work of Communication Problematise with heterosexual couples, we would be mindful to attend to the ways in which patriarchy privileges the needs and Couple Relationships experiences of men in relationships in ways that disadvantage or marginalise the experiences of women. Additionally, when Ironically, most approaches to couples therapy rely on an working with a lesbian or gay couple, it would be important individualistic understanding of the self and, as such, are for us to consider the ways in which living in a heterosexist focused on helping each completely separate individual in society influence or shape the stories that they enter into the relationship to better communicate her/his own wants about their lives and relationships, and attend to these issues and needs to another completely separate individual. In fact, throughout every step of our work together (McGeorge & problems of communication among couples are considered Carlson, 2011). to be failed attempts by these separate individuals to express and verbalise their thoughts, feelings, and needs to the other. Each of these three principles places ethics at the centre of The solution, then, to these problems of communication is to relationships and our approach to therapy makes ethics the help couples learn the requisite set of skills associated with primary focus of our work with couples. The ethics to which proper communication. However, these attempts to teach we are referring is not an ethics based on notions of individual couples communication skills are doomed to fail when they responsibility or universal principles of right or wrong; rather, are based on an individual notion of the self. From a relational an ethics that is situated in an appreciation of the very real accountability perspective, it is not a lack of communication effects that our actions have on others, and the stories of skills by individual partners that is the problem; rather, it is self that these actions invite them to enter into. It is an ethics the very notion of the individual self that is the problem. From that is centred in a relational accountability that embraces this perspective, a relational understanding of self is essential the dizzying belief that we are inescapably responsible for for any approach to couples therapy and must be the central constituting the stories of others, whether we intend to or not. metaphor for notions of effective communication. Feminist author, Laurel Richardson (1994), appropriately An Ethics First/Other-Focused laments what she refers to as the professionalisation of Philosophy of Being communication, and calls for notions of communication to be reunited with their ‘etymological siblings: community, We have found the work of philosopher, Immanuel Levinas, communion, and commonality’ (p. 79). She goes on to argue particularly helpful in offering a framework for the type of that problems of communication are not based in an inability ethics that we are referring to here. Much of the work of to effectively use a certain set of professionalised skills; philosophy is centred on the notion of ontology as the first rather, problems of communication ‘are most strongly linked to and most important philosophy. In philosophy, ontology refers the kinds of communion we can create’ (p. 79). This relational, to the concept of being or what it means to be a person. and even communal, understanding of communication From the perspective of most prominent philosophers, like necessarily shifts the focus of couples therapy away from Heidegger, the consciousness of being is considered primary teaching couples to communicate according to a specific to any other form of knowing. From this perspective, it is set of skills, toward an understanding of communication as the consciousness of self that comes before any knowledge something that happens when we are joined in a shared or consciousness of the other. Levinas, however, was appreciation of another person. When communication is critical of this self-first focus on being, arguing that it failed joined with a relational understanding of self, communication to acknowledge or comprehend a relational understanding in couples therapy happens when partners begin to see of the self (Bauman, 1993) and would ultimately lead to a themselves as intimately connected and accountable for the fundamentally self-enclosed or separate self. This realisation shaping effects of their actions on each other’s story of self.

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 4 The need for such a shift in our understanding of isolation of shared relational experience. As we have worked communication as it relates to couples therapy, is highlighted with couples to help them gain an appreciation of the effects by the work of Gottman, Coan, Carrere & Swanson (1998) that their struggles have had on their stories and experiences who reported that teaching couples communication skills, of self, we have found that couples are often surprised by such as active listening, is about as effective as simply telling the fact that the effects of their struggles and losses are couples to be nicer to each other. The reason for this failure, shared effects. For example, couples often describe having in our opinion, has to do with the individualistic metaphor from shared experiences of sadness, loneliness, loss of dreams which models of communication are based. Again, theories of and hopes, etc. These potentially transformative shared couples therapy need to be based in models and metaphors relational experiences are rendered invisible by the effects of that are situated in an appreciation for the relational ways individualising discourses. Therefore, from the very beginning in which identities are shaped and constructed. Laurel of therapy, we use language and questions that encourage Richardson’s invitation to view communication as a form of couples to enter into a relational understanding of self and communion seems particularly relevant to helping couples the struggles that they are experiencing. These relational achieve a sense of commonality and shared understanding. conversation practices are intended to introduce relational When I (TC) was first learning about narrative ideas, I had the meaning to individualising interpretations of behaviour and privilege of attending a training by Michael White. During the to help couples resituate these interpretations in a relational training, an audience member asked him to share what he framework that encourages partners to begin to see and thought narrative therapy was all about. Given the complexity experience their own self as a ‘self-in-relationship’. of narrative ideas, I anticipated a fairly lengthy response. Relational conversation practices are similar to the purpose However, Michael simply stated, ‘My work is about connecting of externalising conversation practices in narrative therapy. people with other people’. In a simply uncomplicated way, White (2007) refers to the practice of externalisation as a our approach to couples therapy is about helping couples counter-practice ‘against cultural practices of objectification enter into an experience of communion with one another. The of people’ (p. 9). In a similar way, relational conversation paragraphs that follow represent an attempt at describing the practices serve as a counter-practice against the cultural process by which this happens in our work. practice of the individualisation of people. Therefore, from the very beginning of therapy, we introduce relational conversation practices whenever couples enter into Primary Practices of individualising discourses related to their understanding of Relational Accountability their lives and relationships.

There are three primary practices that are associated with our approach to therapy. These practices are: (1) Relational Using relational conversation Identity Conversation Practices, (2) Relational Preference Conversation Practices, and (3) Intimate Accountability practices in therapy Conversation Practices. We have found that it is common for couples to come into therapy feeling at odds with each other in terms of their Relational Identity experiences and struggles in the relationship. In fact, it is Conversation Practices quite common for couples to share with us that they could not be further apart in regard to their experiences. We Given that Western culture tends to embrace individualistic would argue that individualistic interpretations of self and notions of self, most couples who enter therapy utilise an relationship make it difficult for couples to identify the ways individual framework for understanding both the problems in which their struggles are actually shared struggles. As that they face and the solutions that could alleviate those was previously mentioned, these individualist interpretations problems. This individual framework invites couples into an encourage couples to enter into an adversarial relationship adversarial relationship that often leads partners to enter with one another and to see their own struggles as completely into a position of blame toward each other. Individualising separate and even opposite from one another. To counter this discourses of self and relationship also have the effect of particular effect of individualising discourses, we have found robbing couples of the many shared experiences that belong that it is helpful to begin therapy by exploring the couple’s to their relationship, in particular, the shared experiences shared relational experience of their struggles and hopes. of hurt and loss that are often present when couples are Because we are interested in inviting conversations that experiencing relationship struggles. The effect of this bring forth shared relational experiences, we are careful to individualisation process contributes to what we refer to as the ask questions that move couples away from individualising

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 5 explanations that are so prevalent in Western culture. • [Referring to person by name] What do you think it has We have learned to take great care in beginning our work been like for your partner to experience the struggles with couples in a way that opens up space for these shared that have occurred in your relationship over the years relational experiences of struggle and hope to emerge. and to live with the loss that comes with realising that We accomplish this by asking questions that encourage her hopes and dreams for your relationship have not partners to talk about their personal experiences of struggle been met? in the relationship as they relate to their own lost hopes and dreams for partnership from which their relationship likely • What kind of toll do you think this has had on how she began. For example, we might begin a session with a couple experiences herself as a person and as a partner? in the following manner: • What is it like for you to know that she has struggled I want you to know that I appreciate how hard it must be in this way and to know how these struggles have to come and talk to someone about your struggles influenced how she feels about herself as a person and together, and I appreciate your willingness to allow me as a partner? to play a part in helping you come to a better place in Therapists who are acquainted with narrative therapy should your relationship. I imagine that you did not start out your find these questions familiar. These are the types of questions relationship together thinking that you would be in the that a narrative therapist might ask someone while exploring situation that you are today, and that you probably had the first and second steps of the statement of position map to some hopes and dreams for your relationship together and gain an appreciation of the story that a person’s experiences for what you could each bring to each other’s lives. I am related to a particular problem has recruited them into (White, just guessing, but it has probably been difficult for each 2007). Since our approach to therapy is focused on helping of you to have struggled to live up to these hopes and partners enter into a relational understanding of self and dreams that you had for each other and your relationship. relationship, it is important that these ‘story questions’ be I would like us to start today by talking about what it asked in such a way as to help the witnessing partner gain an has been like for each of you to be going through these appreciation for the ways in which their unique relationship struggles in your relationship. I would also be curious to struggles, and the lost hopes and dreams for partnership, know what it has been like for each of you to have this have shaped her/his partner’s story of self. In this way, these experience of not being able to live up to your hopes and questions invite the witnessing partner into a shared relational dreams for each other. experience by entering into the story of self of her/his partner. Notice that the focus here is not on getting an account of the Relationally-focused story questions, like the ones presented details of what has gone wrong or encourage the gathering above, are important because they help couples begin to of evidence related to who has done or not done what in the understand how their shared relationship struggles have had relationship; but rather, the focus is on encouraging a sharing very real and personal effects on the story of self of their of each partners’ intimate experience of their struggles and partners and, therefore, have the effect of inviting couples into what it has been like for them to be in the place where they a more appreciative position in relation to one another. are today. To facilitate this process, we have found it helpful Once we have a sense that the witnessing partner has to invite one of the partners to take on a witnessing role articulated a beginning appreciation for the effects of the while the other partner is asked to take on a sharing role. struggle on her/his partner’s story of self, we have found it While the sharing partner is talking, the witnessing partner is helpful to use the third step of the statement of position map, invited to be intentional about listening for experiences and evaluation, to encourage the witnessing partner to take a struggles that might be shared and to listen for experiences personal position on the ways that their relationship struggles that represent new understandings or appreciations for the have impacted the story of self of the sharing partner. We sharing partner. then use the fourth step of the statement of position map, After the sharing partner has finished talking about her/ justification, to help the witnessing partner to begin to identify his experience of the struggles and experiences of lost the values and beliefs that inform the position that she/he has partnership, we use relational conversation practices to taken. For example, we might ask the witnessing partner the invite the witnessing partner to begin to gain an appreciation following questions: for the ways in which these experiences have shaped the • If you were to take a position on the ways that these sharing partner’s story of self. The questions below represent struggles have affected your partner and have invited an example of some of the questions that we might ask to her to experience herself as a person and as a partner, facilitate this process: would you say that you would be for or against them?

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 6 • Can you help me understand why it is that you are flows directly from the justification questions that were listed not okay with the effects of these struggles on your above. These questions often result in the articulation of partner’s life? particular values, beliefs, ethics, and emotions that are based on notions of love, concern, and appreciation for the other. The identification and naming of relational preferences is a As this process unfolds, several important things are taking vital part of this work and serves as the primary foundation place related to helping both partners enter into a shared for helping couples embrace the ethics of narrative ideas in relational experience of one another. First, the witnessing their personal lives and relationships. In narrative therapy partner is invited to join with the sharing partner in a way terms, relational preferences represent the preferred story that is centred in an appreciation of their common or shared that partners would hope the other partner embrace or enter struggles. Second, the witnessing partner is asked to into. However, there is one important distinction that makes enter into an ethical position regarding the real effects of the identification of relational preferences different from their struggles on the sharing partner’s story of self. The simply identifying a preferred story for the other partner. sharing partner is also given the opportunity to experience Since our approach is based on a relational understanding of the appreciation that the witnessing partner has for her/his self and accountability, the types of relational preferences to struggles, and to experience the positive effects of being which we are referring are based on an ethical position that joined in this way by her/his partner – an experience that has acknowledges the intimate role that the witnessing partner probably been missing due to the isolation of shared relational plays in contributing to the preferred story of the other. Thus, experience. Finally, by encouraging the witnessing partner it is important that these relational preferences be articulated to identify the real effects of these shared struggles on the as much more than a desire or hope for a partner to feel a story of self of the sharing partner, it begins to shift notions particular way about her/himself (i.e., individual responsibility); of accountability from an individualistic one, where partners rather, it must be situated in a preference that is centred in the rely solely on the other to explain or inform them about their type of story that the witnessing partner would hope to invite experience, toward a relational sense of accountability, the other person to enter into through her/his actions, feelings, where each partner becomes responsible for considering the thoughts, presence, etc. (i.e., relational accountability). potential shaping effects that their combined struggles have on the story of self of the other. This shift toward relational Using relational preference conversation practices in accountability is especially important when working with men therapy. Encouraging this type of consideration on the part of in couple relationships, since individualistic interpretations couples is often difficult due to the influence of individualising of responsibility play such a powerful role in male culture. discourses and the way in which notions of responsibility are These relational conversation practices, therefore, have the interpreted from within such discourses. Therefore, we have effect of challenging this particular aspect of men’s culture by learned to be very careful about the way we ask partners to helping men develop an increased capacity for attunement name their relational preferences. For example, when we in couple relationships. It is important for us to highlight that initially began exploring these ideas in our work, we would the practices outlined above would look considerably different ask couples the following question: ‘What are your hopes when working with couples where inequities of power and/ for how your partner feels/experiences her/himself?’ While or abuse are present. In these situations, we almost always this question could potentially lead to the naming of some meet with the person who has been misusing power or acting positive hopes, we soon discovered that those hopes were in abusive ways and take considerable care in ensuring that often associated with individualised understandings of the this person has gained an appreciation for the real effects self, and were presented in ways that had the potential to of their actions on his partner’s story of self and has begun be blaming of partners for not achieving these hopes in their to enter into more preferred and accountable ways of being lives. For example, common responses to this question were, before doing couple work. We have found the work of Alan ‘I just wish that my partner would be more confident in herself’ Jenkins to be quite helpful in informing our practices when or ‘I wish she could just love herself more’. This version of violence or abuse are present. the question fell short of encouraging couples to develop an appreciation for their own accountability for the shaping effects of their actions on their partners’ stories of self, and Relation a l Pre feren ce for engaging in relationship practices that encouraged their Conversation Practices partners to enter into more positive and nourishing stories of self. After wrestling with this process for several years, we Relational preference conversation practices are focused on developed a series of questions that helped couples move helping couples identify their own hopes for how their partners from naming an individual preference for their partners to a experience themselves both as persons and as partners in the preference that was based in a relational understanding of relationship. The identification of these relational preferences the self. Thus, we now ask partners the following questions

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 7 to begin the naming of their relational preference for one Using intimate accountability conversation practices another: in therapy. Given that our work is about helping couples • What are your hopes for how your partner thinks intimately apply narrative ethics in their relationships, and feels about how you feel about her/himself the purpose of intimate accountability conversations is as a person? to encourage partners to begin to enter into a place of accountability for the ways they have literally shaped their • What are your hopes for how your partner feels about partner’s story of self through their daily interactions with one her/himself when she/he is in your presence? another. It has been our experience that helping each partner • What kinds of feelings would you hope that she/he gain an appreciation for the shaping effects of their actions could sense coming from you about how you feel about on the story of self of the other plays a central role in bringing her/him as a person? about change and healing in couple relationships. Therefore, While we have noticed that these questions often bring a we take great care in guiding each partner through a process puzzled look to the couples who consult us, and that we that facilitates a meaningful exploration of the potential ways often need to repeat the questions a second or third time, that their actions/inactions have played a role in contributing it is common for partners to use words like loved, safe, to their partner’s story of self in negative or impoverishing important, cared for, and precious to describe their relational ways. As part of this process, we have found that it is preferences. As these relational preferences are named, important to help each partner do the following: (1) identify we take great care in noting these hopes and desires and the specific identity messages that they have been sending repeat them back to ensure that we have an appreciation through their actions/inactions; (2) gain an appreciation for the for the significance of these words as they relate to their shaping effects of these identity messages on the partner’s preferences for how their partners experience themselves in story of self; and (3) accept responsibility and acknowledge the relationship. the role that they have played in encouraging their partner to take on a negative or impoverishing story of self. It has been While words that are identified in the naming of these our experience that it is common for partners to experience relational preferences will become a central focus of our work a great deal of distress when going through this process, as in later sessions, we have found it helpful at this point to shift they feel the weight or heaviness of the real effects of their the focus of our work toward conversations that encourage actions on their partner’s story of self. partners to begin to gain an appreciation for the ways in which their daily interactions in the relationship have shaped one After each partner has named a relational preference another’s stories in ways that may go against their hopes (i.e., a hope for their partner to feel cherished in their and desires for one another through intimate accountability presence), we begin intimate accountability conversations conversation practices. in the following way, You mentioned that what you hope most is for your Intimate Accountability partner to feel cherished in your presence and that she could sense this feeling coming from you whenever Conversation Practices you are together; knowing that this is something very As was mentioned earlier, the narrative metaphor invites us to important to you, I imagine that there have been times in consider the significance of how stories shape and influence your relationship when you may have acted in ways that the lives and relationships that are possible in persons’ lives. have gone against this desire and sent a different kind of Additionally, these stories are continually being negotiated message to your partner about how you feel about her. in and through our daily interactions with one another. This I am wondering if you can think of time in your relationship understanding led White to caution therapists to be ever- when you might have communicated to your partner mindful of the ways in which our interactions with the persons something other than her being cherished by you. who consult us in therapy literally participate in shaping the We then use the following questions to help partners begin stories of their lives. When we apply these ideas to couple to enter into a position of accountability for the real effects of relationships, the ethical implications become very clear as their actions/inactions on their partner’s story of self: partners are inescapably accountable for the real effects that • As you think about [the particular event/interaction], their daily interactions have in the lives of their partners and what do you think it might have been inadvertantly the stories that these actions invite them to enter into. From saying to your partner about how you feel about her/ this perspective, it is important to acknowledge that we are him as a person? never neutral in our interactions with one another, as each action/inaction has a constitutive effect on the story of self of • If you were to translate this into some kind of message the other. that you were sending you in that moment, what would

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 8 it be? What would you be saying to her about your example of how intimate accountability conversation practices feelings about her worth as a person/partner? were used to help Mike begin to take accountability for the shaping effects of his actions on Colette’s story of self. • How do you think that living with [the message] has influenced how your partner feels about her/himself as A: Mike, you mentioned that what you hope most a person? As a partner? As a parent? for is for Colette to feel adored in your presence, • Given that this is an interaction that is common in your that if she walked into the room she could feel this relationship, what kind of toll do you think that sending adoration coming from you. Knowing that having this message has had on your partner’s sense of worth Colette feel adored is very important to you, I would as a person? imagine that there have been times when you may have acted in ways that have gone against this Again, we have found it helpful to use the third and fourth desire for Colette to feel adored and sent a different steps of the statement of position map to encourage partners kind of message to her about how you feel about to articulate their personal position on the ways that their her. I was wondering if you could recall a time in your actions/inactions have literally shaped their partner’s story relationship when you might have communicated to of self, and to begin to identify the values and beliefs that Colette something other than feeling adored? inform that position. For example, we might ask the following questions: M: Yes, I suppose there have been. She always wants me to kiss her goodbye – I know this because I hear • What is it like for you to hear yourself say those words, about it later in the day. You know, when I check in to know that you have been sending this message to and call later in the day. It’s not that I mean to forget, your partner for so long? not like I do it on purpose, you know? I love her. I say • Is it okay with you to be sending this message to it every day. I’m a busy guy Amanda. your partner? A: So, you’re saying that you are sending a message • Can you help me understand why this is not okay that is different than your desire for Colette to feel with you? adored when you neglect to kiss her goodbye in the morning? These evaluation and justification questions are important because they help partners enter into an ethical position on M: Yes, when I don’t kiss her goodbye. Also when the real effects of their actions on their partners’ story of self, I don’t ask her how her day was. That would be and encourages partners to begin to articulate how they want another time that I’ve done something, or not done their own values and beliefs to more actively inform their something that would make her feel adored. I get relationship practices. what you’re saying, but I’m a busy person – when I do ask it’s not like she believes me anyway. Case story highlighting intimate accountability conversations. The following case story represents an A: Mike, what do you think you could be saying to example of what intimate accountability conversations might Colette, that for 23 years, day after day, you have not look like in the context of therapy. I (AH) was working with asked her how her day was, that you have not taken a couple, Mike and Colette, who contacted me in hopes the time to wonder how she was doing or what she of decreasing the growing influence of fighting in their did in her day? relationship. Mike and Colette had been to several therapists M: I guess not adored. I guess she feels like I don’t care to help them ‘learn how to communicate better’ and shared or that I don’t love her. that, while they had learned the skills quite well, they did not A: Okay Mike, so you’re saying that maybe she isn’t have the type of influence they had hoped for. While they very feeling adored or that you don’t care. Mike, if you much wanted to ‘save’ their relationship, they shared that could take a second to reflect, what would you say this was the last attempt at seeing if they could do so. During that this says to her about her worth as a person? our first visit, both Collette and Mike lamented the loss of And as a partner to you? feeling connected with one another and how desperately they missed feeling loved; they were also able to identify a shared It took Mike several minutes to respond. I could tell that he experience of isolation and loneliness that resulted from the was struggling emotionally with the question that I had just recent increase in their arguments. This shared relational asked, as if he was feeling the weight of the influence of experience of isolation and loneliness and the connection his actions on Collette’s sense of self. While we sat there in that resulted from these conversations was encouraging to silence, I looked over to Colette who was intently staring at me, and was helpful as we engaged in intimate accountability her hands, tears welling up in her eyes. When Mike finally did conversations together. The transcript below provides an respond it was with exasperation; his head was shaking.

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 9 M: Have I been telling her that all these years? Is that C: Everything he said felt so true… [Tears rolling down what I have been saying? her face] I have been waiting for him to acknowledge [Mike was visibly shaken. Looking toward Colette who was me in this way for so long. still staring at her hands, tears running down her cheeks]. There are a several points from the above conversation that A: Mike, if you could put that message into some are important to highlight. First, while it appeared that Mike statement about how this has her thinking and was very aware that Colette wanted or even needed him to feeling about herself as a person, what would it be? take the time to give a thoughtful good-bye each morning, he was quick to explain it away as a result of his busy schedule M: Worthless, worthless. I have been telling her that and not as an indication of his lack of love and concern for she is nothing to me. That she is nothing to me. her. In fact, he thought that it should be enough for her to [Colette’s tears began to flow more freely and she know that he just loved her and that she should trust in that was nodding her head in agreement. Mike continued love regardless of whether or not he chose to meet this to shake his head with tears in his eyes]. need. As we further explored the potential shaping effects A: Mike, what is this like for you to know that this is of his failure to respond to Colette’s needs, Mike began to the message that you have been sending Colette, experience the gravity of his inability to attend to Colette’s perhaps every day, for 23 years? simple request and that he had been telling the person he loves that she was worthless to him almost every day It was at this point in the session that Mike reached for of their lives together. Engaging in intimate accountability Colette’s hand and her eyes were now raised to meet his. conversations in this way helped Mike and Colette enter into They were seeing each other, possibly for the first time in a more relational understanding of self which allowed Mike years. Mike, without taking his eyes from Colette’s responded to experience a more intimate sense of accountability for the to my question but spoke to Colette directly: shaping effects of his actions on Colette’s story of self. M: I feel awful, sick even. I feel that I have betrayed you. I never want to make you feel that way. You mean everything to me. Back and Forth Witnessing: A: Mike, I hear that you never want to have Colette feel Extending the Influence of that way again and that you would prefer to have her feel adored. Mike, knowing that you have been Relation a l Pre feren ce Pra ctice s sending Colette the message that she is worthless, As mentioned previously, we use relational preference what is it like to hear yourself say those words and conversation practices to help couples identify their own to know that you have been sending this message of hopes for how their partners experience themselves, both worthlessness to her for so long? as persons and as partners in the relationship. This process M: Those are words that I would never in my life say to involves inviting partners to name a word, quality, or ethic her, yet that’s the message she gets from me, day that they could invite into their lives that would help them to after day. This is probably why she feels so alone, be more intentional about engaging in relationship practices maybe even why I feel so alone. It’s horrible – not that nurture more preferred stories of self in one another. something I would do or say to anyone, let alone To facilitate this process, we invite couples to enter into an Colette. alternative form of externalising conversations that we refer to as invitational externalising conversations. For example, we A: Mike, you’re saying that this isn’t a way that you want ask partners to reflect on the following questions: Colette to feel. Can you help me understand why this is not okay with you? Why is it not okay with you • Is there a quality or feeling that you could invite into that she feels worthless? your life that would help you communicate your desire (through your actions, thoughts, and words) for your M: It’s just not okay. I thought that if we just told each partner to feel [cherished] by you? other what we thought and how we felt that that was good enough. It’s not, it’s just not. I love her and • If you had to come up with a name for a quality or I would never want her to feel that way. She’s worth feeling that you could invite into your life that would everything to me. I really do adore her. help you more fully live out this desire to send a message of [name the specific message], what would A: Colette, what is it like for you to hear Mike say it be? these words? What was it like for you to hear him acknowledge the effect that his failure to respond to After each partner has come up with a name for the word, your needs has had on your life? quality, or ethic that they would like to guide their daily

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 10 relationship practices, we invite partners to engage in a responsible for identifying the ways in which the other partner reflection assignment to help them intentionally invite the has acted upon her/his specific relational preference during presence of these ethics into their lives. For example, if one of the week. For example, after reviewing the assignment and the partners had chosen the word ‘love’ as her guiding ethic, reminding couples of the specific relational preferences that we would specifically invite that partner to intentionally reflect they identified during the previous session, we typically begin on the following questions during the time before our the next session by asking one of the partners the following next visit: question:

• What would Love have me do in this moment? • As you look back on the past week, what are some • What would Love have me feel toward my partner of the things that you noticed your partner doing that in this moment? represented her/his desire for you to feel loved? • What would Love have me say in this moment? Again, we have learned to take great care in writing down each of the acts or expressions of love that were identified by • What would Love have me see in my partner the witnessing partner, making sure that we pause after each in this moment? identified action to help partners gain a more experience- While externalising conversations in narrative therapy are near and relationally-relevant understanding of how the typically used in relation to some type of problem that people specific act was situated in a desire on the part of the acting want to change in their lives, we intentionally externalise partner to be intentional about sending messages that are a positive or preferred ethic to help partners gain a more consistent with the acting partner’s relational preference experience-near and relationally-relevant understanding of (e.g., love, compassion, concern, etc.). While it is common how these words might inform their ways of being with one for the witnessing partner to initially identify actions that might another in each particular moment. seem small or insignificant (e.g., sending a text message to The use of invitational externalising conversations is a partner while at work), by carefully extending the influence particularly important when it comes to words like love of these acts and situating them in an intentional relational because it has been our experience that it is common for context, it has been our experience that even the smallest couples to use the word love in universal or global terms acts can have a transformative effect on the witnessing in such a way that it has become de-personalised or partner’s experience of her/himself and the relationship. experience-distant. From this perspective, love has little We have found that the following questions have been ability to influence or inform their daily relationship practices especially helpful in extending the influence of partners’ acts in meaningful ways. For example, we frequently hear or expressions: partners say things like, ‘Of course, I love you’ or ‘Don’t you • If the act of picking up and washing your coffee cup know that I will always love you’, as if love is something were to represent an effort on the part of your partner that is universally present and somehow disconnected to say something to you about how she/he feels about from the partner’s intimate experience of the moment. you as a person, what might that be? The effect of this interpretation of love is that it diminishes partners’ responsibility to be loving toward the other in each • What did sending you a thoughtful text message say particular moment. It is our belief that the experience of about how she/he was seeing you as a person in that love is something that we purposefully create as we tend particular moment? to the ethics of the moment in our intimate relationships • What does it mean for you to know that your partner with one another. We have found that the use of invitational was intentionally thinking about you in this way at that externalising conversations helps couples to interrogate the particular moment? de-personalising effects of universal notions of love and to be • How did it feel for you to be noticed in that way? more attuned to living as the ethic of love would have them love in a particular moment. • How did that experience influence how you felt about yourself as a person in that moment? The next time that we visit with couples in therapy, we review the reflection assignment that was suggested during • How did that experience influence you throughout the our previous meeting and specifically invite each partner to day? At home? At work? identify moments when the other partner had potentially acted • How did that experience influence your relationship in ways that fit her/his relational preference. Because our with your children? Your friends? concern is to help partners give relational meaning to their daily acts and expressions of love, compassion, and concern The first two questions represent an intentional effort on our for one another, we begin this process by inviting partners part to place each identified act in an intentionally ethical into a reflective witnessing process where they become context to allow partners to give relational meaning to acts

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 11 that may have previously gone unnoticed due to the effects of individualising discourses. The remaining questions are Case Story Highlighting the Back intended to help both the witnessing and acting partners and Forth Witnessing Process gain an appreciation for the ways in which such ethically informed actions contribute to a more positive story of self The following case story provides an example of what and relationship with one another. In this way, the use of such relational preference conversation practices might look like in questions literally participates in the co-construction of the felt the context of therapy. Peter and Kristen consulted me (TC) experience of love in the moment. about their desire to seek couples therapy after 15 years Because our focus is always on developing a relational of marriage. During our first visit, they shared with me that understanding of self, at this point we turn our attention to they had simply grown apart over the years and were at a the listening/acting partner to explore what it was like for the place in their relationship where they were not sure if they acting partners to experience the ways in which their actions loved each other anymore. While they were both unhappy influenced their partner’s story of self. We have found that in their relationship, they felt that it was important for me to this experience is often quite emotional for the acting/listening know that they were not angry at one another. There was no partners as they experience both the: (1) acknowledgement fighting; they had just grown apart. I asked both Peter and of these actions and (2) the meaningful, and often surprising, Kristen whether or not they were okay with this arrangement ways that these actions have positively shaped the story of of having grown apart and being unhappy in their relationship, self of their partners. We have found the following questions and each of them quickly indicated that they were not. After helpful as we guide acting/listening partners through this hearing such a quick and clear response to this question, process: I invited them to consider whether or not they were open to • How does it feel to know that what you did for your the possibility that things could be better for each of them partner, had such a meaningful influence in her/his in the relationship. Again, they were quick to answer in day? the affirmative. After moving through the three practices of relational accountability with Peter and Kristen, we began the • As you were washing the coffee cup, how were you process of extending the influence of their preferred ethics in experiencing your partner in that moment? What kinds their relationship with one another. Peter and Kristen had both of feelings were you having toward her/him? identified love as the preferred ethic that they wanted to guide • What feelings were you experiencing toward your their daily relationship practices. The following is a transcript partner as your partner acknowledged the influence of the back-and-forth witnessing process that took place that your actions had on her/himself? between Peter and Kristen:

Finally, we use evaluation and justification questions to help TC: During our last visit, each of you had settled on the the acting partners articulate their position on the shaping word ‘love’ as the preferred ethic that you wanted effects of their actions on the story of self of their partners. to guide your daily actions with one another. For example, after carefully reviewing the positive effects that If I remember correctly, we had also settled on the each identified action had on the witnessing partner’s story/ idea that each of you would work to be a bit more experience of self, we ask the following questions: intentional about sending messages to each other • Knowing that washing the coffee cup influenced your through your words, thoughts, and actions that partner in these ways, would you say that you would represented this hope for your relationship. be for or against having this type of influence on your Does that sound right to both of you? partner? P/K: Yes. • Can you help me understand why it is that you would TC: I think I remember that we had also decided that be for influencing your partner in these ways? it might be a good idea to talk about the ways After we go through this process with one of the partners, that each of you had acted on your desire to send we use this same back and forth witnessing process with messages of love to one another. the other partner. This then becomes the focus of our work P/K: [Looking at one another] Yep, we sure did. in each subsequent consultation until the couple’s preferred relational story is more richly described. TC: Rather than asking each of you to give me a report of your own actions during the week, I would be interested in hearing about times during the week when you noticed the other person acting on this desire to be more intentional about sending

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 12 messages of love. Kristen, would it be okay if K: [Tears are flowing now] I felt valued…I felt noticed… I started with you? and loved.

K: Sure. That would be fine. TC: Okay, so in that moment you felt valued, noticed and loved by Peter. I am curious to know the influence TC: Kristen, as you look back on the week since our last that feeling this way had on you as you went about meeting together, can you think of times that Peter the rest of your day. acted on his desire for you to feel loved by him, times when he might have been sending you the K: Actually, I remember it being a really great day at message that he loves you? work. I had to give a presentation to a group of K: Let me think about that for a minute. I know that it was co-workers, and I am usually pretty nervous with that a better week, but let me think … yes, yes. The other type of thing. But I wasn’t nervous at all that day… day, I think it was yesterday morning, I get coffee first I wasn’t nervous at all. I felt really confident during thing in the morning and bring it upstairs while I am the presentation… And, the rest of the day at work getting ready for the day. Anyway, when I was coming was just really good. It is hard to describe… I just felt down the stairs, I noticed that my coffee cup wasn’t really comfortable with myself. on the steps like always. I thought that was strange TC: So, you remember feeling comfortable with yourself but continued down the stairs to the kitchen and saw and more confident. Okay, thank you Kristen [tears that my coffee cup was washed and was in the drying are running down her face again]. Is it okay with rack. Peter had washed it for me [Kristen was looking you Kristen if I ask Peter a few questions about his at Peter with a smile on her face]. experience as he listened to our conversation? At this point, before I could ask Kristen to share a bit more K: Please… Please. about what this action represented for her, Kristen went on to describe other things that Peter had done that she felt were TC: Peter, Kristen shared with us her experience of you an expression of his love for her. In an effort to ensure that picking up and washing her coffee cup and how she Kristen could give relational meaning to each of these actions, felt like you were telling her in that moment that you I carefully wrote them down and read each one back to her. valued and loved her. She also shared how much After reading each of the actions, I asked Kristen the following of an influence that had on the rest of her day. What questions to extend the influence of what these actions might is it like for you to know your actions had such a communicate to her about how Peter feels about her as powerful influence on Kristen and how she felt about a person. herself as a person?

TC: Is it okay with you if we go back to your story about P: It feels really good to… you know… to know that the coffee cup? something I did made her feel so good about herself.

K: Sure. TC: Is that something that is important to you? Is it TC: So you shared how you were coming down the stairs important to you that she feel valued and noticed and and noticed that your coffee cup was missing, and loved? She also talked about feeling comfortable that you had discovered that Peter had decided to with herself and confident. Is it important to you that pick it up and wash it for you. If the act of noticing she feel these things? and washing the coffee cup were to represent some P: Yes… Yes. It is very important to me. There is type of message that Peter was sending you about nothing more important to me [Peter is looking at how he feels about you as a person, what do you Kristen now. Both of them are crying]. think that might be? What do you think that Peter might have been telling you about how he feels TC: Can you me help to understand why this is so about you in that moment? important to you?

K: That… that… [unable to speak for a moment while P: Because I love her… more than anything in the tears are running down her face]… that he loves me! world… She deserves to be noticed. She is an He was telling me that he loves me! amazing person.

TC: He was telling you that he loves you. Okay… As you TC: As you look back on the moment that you decided to look back on that moment, what was it like for you to pick up her coffee cup and carry it down the stairs to know that Peter noticed you in that way? What kinds wash it, would you have predicted that doing such a of feelings were you having about yourself in that simple act would have such a powerful influence on moment? Kristen’s day and her sense of worth as a person?

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 13 P: No… No… Of course not! [Peter takes Kristen’s that this would be hard for him to answer because they had hand]. I just wanted her to know that I was thinking a terrible argument during the week. He proceeded to tell me about her. that he had planned a special date night for them during the K: Thank you, Peter. Thank you! week and that he had made all of the arrangements (which is something that Barb had hoped to see Dave do more of). There are several aspects of this conversation that seem He shared how he was anxiously waiting by the door for her important to highlight. While Kristen was able to come to come home from work with flowers in hand. But the time up with a list of several actions that Peter had engaged for their date came and went. Dave shared that she was more in to communicate his desire for her to feel loved, due to than 45 minutes late and that she didn’t even call. When Barb the simplicity of these acts they could have easily gone finally came through the door, she walked right past Dave unnoticed (in fact, they already had). By engaging Kristen and into their bedroom. Dave was so upset that he threw the in this reflective witnessing process she was able to give flowers down and followed Barb into the room. They got into a relational meaning to Peter’s act of washing her coffee terrible fight. While I could tell that this experience was hurtful cup. Through this process, this seemingly simple act had a and difficult for both of them, I also knew that it presented transformative influence on Kristen’s experience of herself an opportunity to use invitational externalising conversations and her relationship as it was representative of Peter’s love to help Dave, in particular, to gain a better appreciation for and concern for her. Additionally, this reflective witnessing how his preferred ethic of love would have had him thinking, process allowed Peter to gain a better appreciation of the feeling, and responding to Barb in that moment. The following powerful shaping effects that even the smallest actions could represents a brief excerpt of how this conversation went. have on Kristen’s sense of self when he followed his preferred relational ethic for Kristen. The back-and-forth nature of these T: Dave, I can tell that this experience was upsetting conversations allowed Peter to experience his intentional to you and that you had put a lot of time into acts as being honoured by Kristen and was encouraging of planning this evening for Barb. I was wondering if his efforts to continue to engage in relationship practices you could reflect back on the moment right before informed by his desire for Kristen to feel loved by him. you expected Barb to arrive and you were standing there holding the flowers in your hand. What kinds of feelings were you having for Barb at that time? Transforming Problem D: I remember feeling excited and full of love for her. Moments through Invitational T: Okay, you felt excited and full of love for Barb. So, Externalising Conversations as you were standing there with the flowers in your hand feeling excited and full of love for Barb, what While we have found that couples are frequently able to kinds of feelings were you hoping that she would identify these positive actions or expressions of love by sense coming from you when she walked through their partners, it is not uncommon for couples to have an that door? experience of struggle during the time between meetings. D: What kinds of feelings did I want her to sense In these moments, we use invitational externalising coming from me? I wanted her to know that I loved conversations to invite couples to explore what their relational her; that she was the most important person in preferences would have had them do in these moments of my life. struggle. For example, I (TC) was meeting with a couple T: So, would you say that you were connected to your named Barb and Dave. Early on in our work together they preferred ethic of love, your desire for Barb to know both had identified ‘love’ as the preferred ethic they wanted that she is loved by you, in the moments leading up to guide their ways of being with one another, and they were to the time that she had planned to be home? quite successful during our initial meetings at acting out these D: Yes. Yes! I really wanted it to be a special night preferences in their relationship. We were at the point in our for her. work together where we started each meeting using the back- and-forth witnessing process identified above. I had come T: So, if you would have been able to stay connected accustomed to our meetings starting off in a very positive and with your preferred ethic of love as time went by hopeful direction. However, when Barb and Dave came to and you were waiting for Barb to come home, one particular meeting I could immediately tell that something even though she was late, how might love have was not quite right between them. As it is my preference to had you think about or make sense of why Barb begin meetings by highlighting the times when they acted on might be late? their preferred ethics, I started the session by asking Dave D: I guess that it would have had me wondering if she to think back to times during the week when Barb had acted was okay. Maybe it would have had me feeling on her desire for him to feel loved. Dave immediately shared worried about her; hoping that she was okay.

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 14 T: Okay, so love might have had you feeling a bit into one that brought forth feelings of love, understanding and worried for her and hoping that she was alright … tenderness between them. So, if you would have been connected to those feelings of love and worry for her, how might love have had you respond to her when she finally Continuing Intimate Accountability walked through the door? What kinds of feelings do Conversation Practices you think you might have had in that moment when you saw her face? While we use this back-and-forth witnessing process as the focus of the remainder of our consultations with couples, D: Relief. I would have been feeling grateful that she we have found that it is vital to continually engage in was home safe. intimate accountability conversation practices throughout T: So, if love were having you feel relieved and grateful the process of therapy so that partners remain attentive to in that moment, what might love have had you notice the ways that all of their actions send shaping messages to about Barb when she came through the door, that one another in ways that they may not have intended and you were unable to see before? that go against their identified relational preferences for one In response to this question, Dave shared that he would have another. This practice represents an ethical commitment, noticed that Barb was upset about something and that he as therapists, to ensure that partners continue to engage in would have noticed that their daughter also came in, shortly relationship practices that are centred in an awareness of and after Barb, looking upset as well. As it turns out, Barb was accountability for the shaping effects of their actions on the late because their daughter had lied about having to be at an lives of their partners. As with any approach to therapy, our after school activity and Barb felt like she needed to talk to work is rarely linear. While we move back and forth between her about this and they had a long talk in the car before her each of these practices, we are always mindful to attend to daughter got really upset and yelled at Barb for being mean intimate accountability conversations throughout all aspects to her. of our work with the couples who consult us. While the focus of the paper has been on working with couples who share in T: So, as you think back to the moment when Barb the hope of staying in a relationship together, it is important walked past you and you saw your daughter walking for us to acknowledge that successful couples therapy does through the door looking upset, what do you think not always involve reconciliation. It has been our experience love would have had you do in that moment? that relational accountability practices can be quite helpful D: I would have followed her in the room like before, but in encouraging couples to end their relationship in more with a very different feeling. I would have been less preferred ways that are accountable to themselves and one concerned with the fact that she ruined my plans and another. probably would have asked her if everything was okay. And maybe I would have held on to the flowers instead of throwing them down and given them to her Conclusion anyway. Maybe she really needed the flowers after It is our hope that the ideas expressed in this paper will what she went through with our daughter. [Turning encourage therapists to find new ways of helping couples to Barb] I am so sorry for not seeing you in that enter into more preferred ways of being with one another, moment; for not seeing that you were hurting. [Both based on accountability, respect, and intimate belonging. Dave and Barb are tearful now]. We also hope that these ideas will allow therapists whose As a result of revisiting this difficult situation through use lives have been inspired by the ethics of narrative ideas, to of invitational externalizing conversations, Dave was able similarly inspire the couples with whom they work to live out to become better acquainted with how love, as an ethic, narrative ethics in their own lives and relationships. Finally, it had the potential to inform and guide his thoughts, feelings is our hope that these ideas will invite therapists to become and actions in his relationship with Barb. These invitational better acquainted with their own hopes and dreams for externalising conversations also provided Dave and Barb with their work and allow those hopes and dreams to positively the opportunity to transform a difficult and hurtful experience influence the persons with whom they work.

THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 15 References

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