An Invitational Approach to Living Narrative Ethics in Couple Relationships
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Toward a Theory of Relational Accountability: An Invitational Approach to Living Narrative Ethics in Couple Relationships Thomas Stone Carlson ~ A ma n da Ha ire North Dakota State University Thomas Stone Carlson is a professor and program coordinator in the Couple and Family Therapy Doctoral Program at North Dakota State University. He has been applying narrative ideas in his therapy and teaching for many years and particularly enjoys exploring new and creative ways to apply narrative ideas in his therapy and supervision practices. Amanda Haire is in private practice in Fargo, ND, USA and is an instructor in the Couple and Family Therapy Program at North Dakota State University. Amanda regularly uses narrative philosophy, ethics and ideas in her work with the people who consult her. She especially enjoys situating all of her teaching and supervision in a narrative ethics regardless of the course content. Please address correspondence to the first author at: NDSU Dept #2615 PO BOX 6050, Fargo, ND 58108-6050 A b st ra ct This paper describes an approach to couples therapy that seeks to help couples intimately apply the ethics of narrative ideas in their personal lives and relationships. This intimate application of narrative ideas is focused on helping partners to gain an appreciation for the shaping effects of their actions on one another’s stories of self and to engage in intentional relationship practices that nurture and positively shape the stories of self of their partners. While this approach to working with couples is centred in a narrative philosophy and ethics, alternative practices are presented to help couples challenge the negative effects of individualising discourses on their lives and relationships and to enter preferred relationship practices that are informed by a relational understanding of self and accountability. Key words: narrative therapy, ethics, accountability, social constructionism, couples therapy, intimate accountability practices THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 1 more and more aware of the ways that our conversations Our Shared Experience shaped the stories of self of the people with whom we worked, of Living Narrative Ethics we were confronted with an intimate awareness of the very real effects that our daily interactions had on the lives of our The ideas presented in this paper represent an attempt, own partners, children, families, and friends. We experienced over the past many years, to intimately apply the values and first-hand Michael White’s assertion that narrative therapy ethics that are central to the practice of narrative therapy is more than just an approach to therapy, but rather, it in the lives of couples in intimate relationships. While the represents more of ‘an epistemology, a philosophy, a personal practice of narrative therapy is most known for its focus commitment, a politics, an ethics, a practice, a life . .’ on the externalisation of problems and the identification of (White, 1995, p. 37). alternative stories of persons’ lives, the uniqueness of this As we embraced the politics, ethics, and practice of approach is not found in its techniques, but rather in the narrative ideas in our own lives, we were startled by the types of relationships that these ideas invite therapists to ethical implications that this particular philosophy of life enter into with the persons who consult them. Freedman and presented to our lives and daily interactions with others. Combs (1996) describe their first experience of witnessing If, as White believed, ‘we live by the stories that we have Michael White’s work is this way, ‘When we met him, we about our lives, that these stories actually shape our lives, were immediately attracted to White’s work, to the kind of constitute our lives, and …embrace our lives’ (White, 1995, relationships he forged with the people who came to see him, pp. 13–14), and if these stories of self are continually being and to the way he lives out his values both inside and outside constructed in and through our relationships with other the therapy context’ (p. 14). As we work with therapists who persons (Weingarten, 1991), we then, as persons, are always are learning narrative ideas as trainers and professors, we participating in the shaping of the stories of the persons are always curious about how they came to be interested with whom we come into contact. As we considered the in and drawn to narrative ideas. When asked this question, powerful effects that stories have in determining a person’s like Freedman and Combs, they, too, often speak of being experience of self and possibilities for action in this world, inspired not by the techniques of the work, but by the ways we were again confronted with the serious consideration that narrative ideas have transformed their relationships with that, in our everyday interactions with those we love, we the people with whom they work. are responsible for the ways our actions shape the stories Our own experience in witnessing the work of Michael White, of their lives, whether or not the effects of our interactions David Epston and other narrative therapists, has been similar. are intentional. This understanding was unsettling for us as We were inspired by the compassion and hopefulness that we were suddenly faced with the knowledge that we are were present in the work of the narrative therapists that we always and inescapably accountable for the ways in which had the opportunity to witness. We were also inspired by the we participate in shaping the stories of our own partners ways in which White and Epston attended to the shaping and children. In an effort to relate to our newfound sense of effects that his interactions had on the lives and stories accountability, we immediately called upon the ethics and of self of the persons who consulted him, and his intense practices of narrative ideas to guide our interactions in our interest in consulting persons about the ongoing effects that relationships. These ethics and practices have required us to these conversations were having on their lives. While these rethink common notions of responsibility and accountability relational ethics certainly seemed to have a transformative in relationships. Concepts like mutual responsibility and effect on the people with whom they met, they also seemed bank account metaphors were no longer viable to us. From to have a transformative effect on therapists’ lives. As we this new perspective, we had to consider the reality that we became more and more immersed in narrative ideas, we were always more accountable than anyone else for the quickly witnessed the shaping effects that these ideas had in shaping effects of our actions. We considered ourselves our work as therapists as well. We found it easier to embrace more accountable, not because we were somehow better a more hopeful and compassionate outlook in our work, or superior, but precisely because it was the only tenable and began to notice that the people who consulted us solution to maintaining a sense of intimate accountability for were experiencing a level of change and transformation the shaping effects that our everyday interactions had on the that we had long hoped for when we first decided to stories of those with whom we came in contact. If we were become therapists. always accountable for the shaping effects of our actions, While we were hopeful that narrative ideas would create then we had to be intentional about interacting with our the types of change and transformations that we were partners and children in ways that made positive contributions witnessing in the lives of the people who consulted us, we to their stories of self, and to be ever-mindful of the times that were not prepared for the ways in which narrative ideas would our actions (intentional or not) encouraged them to enter into transform our own lives and relationships. As we became negative or impoverishing stories of self. THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF NARRATIVE THERAPY AND COMMUNITY WORK | 2014 | No.3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au 2 Since embracing the ethics of narrative ideas has been so centred in the role that stories play in shaping the stories inspiring in our own lives and relationships, it seemed to be of self that people are recruited into about their lives. As a worthwhile endeavour to apply these ideas to our work was previously mentioned, these stories are constitutive of with the couples who consulted us. It was our hope that by persons’ lives in that they shape the very expressions that are inviting couples to live and embrace the ethics of narrative possible for people’s lives and the meanings that they ascribe ideas in their lives, it would inspire them to enter into new to those expressions (White, 1995). As such, the stories that ways of being in relationship with one another that would people enter into have serious consequences or real effects be situated in a new understanding of accountability for the on their lives. According to the narrative metaphor, the stories shaping effects of their actions on one another’s stories of of people’s lives are not self-made; rather, they are continually self. It was also our hope that these ideas would help couples being constituted in and through our relationships with other be more intentional about engaging in relationship practices people. The writings of Michael White frequently refer to the that encourage their partners to enter into more preferred responsibility that therapists have for the real effects that our stories of self. As we have attempted to apply these ideas in involvement in the lives of the people who consult us have on our work, it became necessary to make some adaptations the stories that they enter into about their lives and identities.