Missionary Marriage Issues: Computer Sex Or
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
involved. Christianity Today surveyed pastors and reported in 2006 in the Journal of Missionary Marriage Issues: Is this something new? in the USA and found that 37% of them had a Psychology and Theology found that those Computer Sex or Me? “current struggle” with cyberporn, Internet- with higher spirituality scores were less likely Of course, sexual temptation and based pornography. to become sexually addicted, as the authors Married 34 years with three adult lustful thoughts have been around for People interested in computers and had expected. However, the study also found children, Dave and Ginny sat back to back in thousands of years. Adam and Eve tried to missions attending the annual International that those with higher spirituality scores were their home office. Ginny was scanning down cover their nakedness (Genesis 3). The Ten Conference on Computing and Mission MORE likely to become compulsively through the inbox of her email when her heart Commandments forbid a person from wrestled with the dilemma of what to do when involved in cyberporn. The more involved lurched. One message was from an old coveting a neighbor’s spouse (Exodus 20). they found evidence of pornography on people were in religious activities and the boyfriend, and she clicked on it. As she put it, One night King David couldn’t sleep and missionaries’ computers. They had questions more central the role of faith was in their “Opening that email occupied one second of my while walking on his roof saw a beautiful about who to tell and what to do. No one lives, the more likely they were to access life, but that one second changed everything. I woman bathing—and sent to find out about knew how large the pornography problem was Internet pornography. The more people felt a sat between the only two men I had ever loved. her (2 Samuel 11). Jesus said that we must but based on what the techies were finding on sense of belonging and support in the faith I was connected to one via the Internet, and the not even eagerly desire someone sexually the computers, there seemed to be one. Two community, the more likely they were to other was seated less than two feet behind me.” (Matthew 5). of the leaders wrote an article which became view cyberporn. She began emailing Mike several times each Graphic images and explicit writing the core of a whole issue of EMQ devoted to Since this is such a recent finding, no week, rushing to the computer each morning have been around as long as artists and missions and the Internet. They hoped this one knows why this is the case, although and reluctantly leaving it in the evening. They authors have existed. What has changed is would spark a discussion of the whole several hypotheses have been offered, such as secretly called each other. Ginny and Mike set that the computer has made these images and problem. No “letters to the editor” ever cyberporn may be seen as less objectionable, up a time to meet…. writings affordable and anonymously appeared, and the authors received no letters but more permissible, more private, and Within months of her marriage to Dan, available to anyone anywhere anytime. from mission administrators about it. easier to rationalize than sex outside of Ashley found evidence that her computer was • Affordable. Free samples are available at Virtually no one is talking about it yet. It is marriage. used to view sexually explicit pictures of many porn sites, and Internet cafes have the “elephant in the living room” that no one women. Dan denied it was he and that he had computers available at pennies a minute. mentions. How can this be? tried to delete parts of the history. They were • Anonymous. A computer in your room expecting their first baby, but her dreams of means no one knows (except God and Isn’t my spouse too spiritual to get involved Betrayed spouses experience a wide being married “happily ever after” were those at the website you are visiting) in cyberporn? variety of emotions. Ashley said, “I felt ugly, shattered. He soon admitted that he had lied to • Anyone. Most missionaries have not good enough and stupid….” Here are her, said that this was the first time he had ever computers, and most have Internet access. People with higher scores on other emotions people have reported. done it, and promised never to do it again. A • Anywhere. Internet access (often free) is measures of spirituality are less likely to get • Disbelief, shock, astonishment few days later she learned that he had viewed available in eating places, airports, and so involved in many addictive behaviors, such as • Anger, rage, fury pornography at times while they were dating as forth. gambling, smoking, alcoholism, and other • Hurt, fear, loneliness well as after they were married. Ashley was • Anytime. The Internet is available 24- types of substance abuse. Since cyberporn is • Heartbreak, betrayal devastated. She said, “A few nights ago he lied hours a day, 7-days a week. relatively new, no studies on its relationship to • Dirty, stained to my face immediately after promising never to spirituality were done before the turn of this • Frightened. lonely century. lie to me again….” How often does this happen? • Resentment, bitterness Current evidence suggests that Dave, Ginny, Dan, and Ashley are real • Violated, stunned spirituality is not a protection against people who have written their stories. They Dave, Ginny, Dan, and Ashley show Tainted, defiled involvement in cyberporn. In fact, people • have had the courage to be open and vulnerable that it happens to young, old, male, female, The list is almost endless. Emotions who seem to be more spiritual may actually be because they know they are not alone in what married, unmarried,…to virtually anyone. At are strong, changing, and may occur more vulnerable to it. A study conducted by has happened in their lives and want to give this point research has not been done to find simultaneously. There may be a sense of hope to others. out what percentage of missionaries are psychologists at Indiana Wesleyan University unreality, like it is a bad dream or a sense that • Repent. Repentance means more than to this cannot actually be happening. feel regret or sorrow. It means to turn Ronald Koteskey is from what one has been doing. In this Member Care Consultant What can I do if my spouse is involved? case it means that your spouse will stop New Hope International Ministries Missionary the behavior, stop computer sex. First here are some things to stop doing • Become accountable. Of course, one is This brochure is one of a series, and Marriage Issues: (if you are doing them). always accountable to God, but your you are invited to suggest other topics you • Stop blaming yourself. Regardless of what spouse will need at least one other person would like to know about to the following: Computer Sex or your spouse says, you can never be of the same sex who will hold her or him attractive enough or sexy enough or accountable. This has to be a personal Ronald Koteskey anything else to keep her/him from the relationship, not just something like 122 Lowry Lane Me? computer sex. reporting to a parole officer. This person Wilmore, KY 40390 • Stop participating. Looking at the pictures, has to be someone your spouse can call at watching the videos, sending email or any time—and who will call your spouse Phone: (859) 858-3436 Ronald L. Koteskey instant messages, or connecting with as well. someone via skype (with or without • Participate in a weekly group meeting. e-mail: [email protected] webcams) will only make things worse. Sharing one’s struggles in a group setting • Stop being the Director of Spouse Security. and listening to others share is part of Visit the following web site to access Your spouse will find ways around overcoming this problem. other brochures in the series: anything you do to get to the computer sex. • Be willing to seek professional mental • Stop trying to decide whether the problem health help if needed. Your spouse (and www.missionarycare.com is sin or sickness. It is both—and more. It perhaps you) may need the help of a has social, spiritual, physical, and psychologist or counselor to supplement psychological implications as well as what is happening in the group. others. It is a sinful obsession with Note that these changes are neurochemical bases. something you want to support, not something Of course, you want to meet your you can require. Although it is theoretically spouse’s needs, such as emotional, social possible for someone to accept responsibility, sexual, and spiritual ones among others. You confess to God, and repent—and then be over can be available to encourage, support, and pray the compulsion for computer sex, it rarely (if through struggles with cycles of sin, shame, and ever) works. People are usually unable to do silence. You can break the silence and this on their own—or if forced by someone encourage your spouse to make the following else. changes. Christian workers required to be in • Accept responsibility. The problem is not accountability groups are just as likely to with you, with parents, with society, or with revert or repeat as those who are not in such This brochure may be reproduced without New Hope International Ministries anyone other than the person hooked on the relationships. They just lie to their change and in its entirety for non-commercial computer sex—your spouse. accountability partners or groups. The person purposes without permission.