e’re all made of cocaine use”); James meat, even the Lorenzo from Pride & not-so-meaty Glory (“about the size of amonWg us. We like to pre - a pinkie finger”); Stefan tend we are something Adika from Dad’s Porno more than meat, yet when Mag (“hung like a baby we die, only the meat remains. and is a quick shooter”); Slik Toxik’s Rob Bruce (“small cock, Women, because they are congenitally plus he only has ONE BALL! He lost his other ball in an acci - insane, are the most fervid propagandists of dent”); Dokken’s Mick Brown (“maybe 3 inches if you pull on the idea that we possess something beyond it”); one-time Van Halen singer Gary Cherone (“so small if mere flesh, blood, bone, and the occasional somebody saw you sucking his dick it would look like waste product. Women, especially when they you were smoking a joint!”); Jack Russell get older and their meat starts to sag, invari - from Great White (“Mushroom CAP & that’s ably lose their minds and indulge psychotic it, ONCE BITTEN and it never grew delusions such as the notion that we all have back!”); Tommy Thayer from Black-n-Blue a “soul.” And since they clutch their aging (“so small crabs could use it as a flag - chicken claws onto this notion with bloody pole”); Marq Torien from BulletBoys (“so desperation, they are the first to shriek when small he probably pisses on his balls”); someone alleges that they are, in the end, Glenn Danzig (“his cock is just like him, meat. In spite of the fact that there is zero short”); and Quiet Riot’s Carlos Cavazo. evidence of the soul’s existence, these cackling (“Not only a very sloppy and boring cunts demand that we squint and lie about the lay, but he is very, very, very small. Empress’s New Clothes. There is no riot going on in his pants.”) The fundamental aspect of female psychol - These girls don’t hesitate to let us ogy is an eternal hypocrisy and the concomi - know about the guy in Papa Roach tant inability to ever acknowledge it. who has bad breath; the chap in Therefore, the same bloated hens who picket House of Lords whose back is so outside clubs where females with desirable hairy, it “looks like he’s wearing a bodies flash some tits ’n’ snatch are also the sweater!”; the singer from Everclear same hens who manically stuff five-spots in whose crotch “smells very dirty”; the speedos of Chippendale’s dancers when the member of Medicine Wheel hubby’s out of town. who has “hair growing out the Despite what the feminist thought side of his shaft”; the Marilyn police would have you believe, it’s a Manson underling who digs licking asses, fact that women objectify men. If any - tasting his own cum, and “is into the thing, they are more brutal and cynical in their estimations whole ’pour wax on my dick’ thing”; the than men could ever be. allegation that David Lee Roth employs his lady friends to Case in point: a website (www.metal-sludge.com/ give him enemas; and which members of Slaughter, Saigon LongShort.htm) in which rock stars’ cocks are reviewed Kick, and Flotsam & Jetsam enjoy having items rammed up in the manner that a restaurant critic reviews meals. their asses. Groupie-for-life Donna Anderson pools her own And not only does size matter, it’s ALL that matters to experiences along with the gossip of her groupie friends, these broads. To these starfucking, cock-hungry mucus pits, concocting an often-hilarious list of 180 rockers and their the measure of a man LITERALLY becomes the measure of cocks. With ball-shriveling candor, Anderson ’n’ pals present his manhood. There is a comical equation of penis size with a staggering array of rock-cock, from toothpick-sized to the human worth. When a rocker is revealed to have a large length and girth of a mud shark. schlong, these girls tend to forgive any shortcomings of Firmly ensconced within the Stud Stable are bitch-slapping character. But when his pathetic underendowment is ex-Crüe drummer Tommy Lee (of course), Phil Anselmo from brought to light, no measure of his good deeds or commu - Pantera and his “MONSTER power tool,” Evan Seinfeld from nity-service hours can atone for the fact that everyone Biohazard, Tracii Guns from LA Guns, Yogi from Buckcherry, laughs disdainfully at his biological misfortune. All in all, and (surprisingly) little blond fem-doll singer Robin Zander this is very refreshing. from Cheap Trick, whose girlish features and gooberish I wonder how I’d rate on this chart? I’ve noticed that my voice would ordinarily indicate a peanut-sized penis. paramours’ estimation of my love-hog’s length varies wildly Each of these gents is rumored to possess a hog depending on how well we’re getting along. When a measuring ten inches or more. girl is in love with me, my penis hovers some - Much more fun to read are the catty where around eight inches. When I dump descriptions of petite-penised prima her, it shrinks to a paltry four inches. donnas such as Twiggy Ramirez from I don’t mind being objectified. The fact Marilyn Manson (“he has a small dick that I have a body is far less dangerous and it’s frequently limp due to excessive than the idea that I have a soul. OPINION 171