CIALLING EARTH. Come In. Blue
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FILM From left to right in center, Gretchen Mol, Leonardo DiCaprio, Steve Randazzo and Kenneth Branagh in a scene from Woody Allen's Celebrity. IALLING EARTH. Come in. Blue "Yeah. You. er. see, it's like, well, we're problems, and they expect the world, includ- Planet. Do you read me? Over." lonely. That's it. Yeah. Lonely, like, and ing the idealized woman, to sympathize with 'C ''Er, I mean. I (cough) read you. sad. That's it, (cough) lonely and sad. It's their narcissism. When she leaves them, as Nebula Transhudsonia." like, you know we've got the. er. planetary any sane person must, they must console "What's your situation? We've been blues.'' themselves with a memory of past happiness monitoring your transmissions from the past Celebrity is W^xxly Allen's latest riff on or a hope that things might be better in the century. Age of stays and farthingales van- his life's work, which is an ongoing lugue of future. ished like many of your past civilizations. planetary blues, arranged for solo whine and In "Celebrity" Allen adds a new ingredi- First Watergate tapes. Now jokes about Via- sexually nmed-up chonis. Some ungracious ent. He examines the proposition that fame, gra and the stains on Monica's blue dress. critics claim that his riparian solar system based solely on the notion of being famous, In pubhc. On editorial pages as well as on may be bounded by ihe Hudson, Hai'lem and provides the yellow brick road to fulfill- kite night comedy shows. Your females used East. Possibly, but this brick and asphalt ment. He never denies the thesis. On the to refer to their underwear as "unmention- aviary that stretches from Battery Park to the contrary, many of the characters in this ables." hut now they blister Littie League Cloisters continually yields fascinating, if highly intricate narrative do indeed find umpires with gender-specittc obscenities grotesque specimens for cataloguing by ils contentment in ihcir passing moment of that would melt whalebone. Are you Earth- veteran ornithologist. fame. He does, however, undercut his own lings so obsessed with procreation that you Allen's antiheroes. generally played by eudaimonistic proposition by showing that talk of nothing else and even use the lan- himself, search for love and community, celebrity and its attendant rewards are pure- guage of prcx-Teation about everything from which in Allen's world means a lasting and ly a matter of luck, and therefore must be recalcitrant computers to enemy drivers? fulilUing sexual relationship with a beautiful, suspect. Are you suffering from a linguistic nervous but apparently unattainable woman. These breakdown. What the [expletive deleted] is characters, however, gradually become happening to you (hyphenated noun deleted | pathetic in their quest. They stammer and fix- J-/EE SIMON (Kenneth Branagh) is oil your [participial phrase deleted] planet?" ate on their own physical and psychological the Woody Allen antihero, even down to AMERICA DECEMBER 19, 1998 17 his stammer, baggy corduroy jacket and scene for a movie being shot on a plaza in his pass at Nola, a technician-actress-wait- relentless pursuit of happiness, embodied in front of one of those antiseptic office tow- ress (Winona Ryder), to interview Nicole a succession of heatitiful women. A writer ers on Park Avenue. "Help" will also be in her childhood home in what looks suspi- of travel and celebrity pieces for mass cir- Lee's personal statement throughout the ciously like Brooklyn. He enthusiasticallj culation magazines and Sunday supple- film. transfers his attention to his subject, and ments. Lee merely wants to earn enough to Lee watches the scene's star. Nicole Nicole provides a creative response to his see him through until he achieves fame Oliver (Melanie Griffith), hidden behind a inquiries. as a novelist or screenwriter: he's not sure head scarf, sunglasses and raincoat, get which. Before he appeals on screen, the out of a car and run up the steps and across film opens as a sky-writer finishes the the plaza. Everyone praises the perfor- J. HESE CELEBRITIES. Allen pro- word "Help" over the Manhattan skyline. mance. She is a famous star. Who dares poses, construct their own moral universe The word will provide the backdrop for a criticize her? Lee has to interrupt making and live without fear of consequences. Brandon Darrow (Leonardo DiCaprio). a young movie-star thug high on cocaine, wrecks a hotel room and slaps around his girlfriend. Lee arrives to pitch a script idea The first ever fuIMength video feature to him, just as the police threaten to take presenting the comprehensive medical^ forensic and Brandon to the station house. It's all a cha- historical details of the Passion of Jesus Christ, rade, however. Police, girlfriend and man- agement alike choose not to prefer chai'ges because, after all. Brandon is famous. Lee HOW JESUS DIED: joins Brandon and his retinue for a U"ip to Atlantic City, but while the Famous People The Final 18 Hours enjoy their rent-an-orgy dates with chemi- A professionally-pRxluced cally a.ssisted abandon. Lee listens to his teacure-lenyth video, HOW jESUS niEP: THE FINAL 18 HOURS is a assigned companion comparing her own cnmprehen.sive presentation of writing to Chekhov. every detail of Jesuis's final hours, frorn His entr\' into Jerusalem Not only does he feel left out of all ihc tor the Last Supper, through His carnal bliss that he believes celebrities enjoy: prayerful agony in the Garden of Lee must pay a terrible price for his own Gerhsemane, His trials before the infidelities. His wife, Robin {Judy Davis), Sanhcdrin and Pilate, the scourg- could swallow a Milltown factory and still ing, the crowning wirh thorns, make Si. Vitus look comalose. Lee's asking the hrutal ascent to Golgotha bearing the weight ot the cross, her for a divorce is like parachuting into a the nailing af His hands and feet, live volcano without bothering to pull ihc and those final three hours of ripcord. He has little luck with other women torment, ending in His death. either. One of the sacrifices he must make for his work involves attending a fashion Tlie commentary of four world- show to introduce a new line of lingerie. By renowned experts in their fields will give you the most thorough a miracle of chance, he offers a ride to the understanding it is possible to gorgeous supermodel played by Cherli/e acquire of the reality of Jesus's Theron. but as she introduces him lo her passion trom the perspectives of chic, famous friends in tlie fast lane, he real- a medical examiner, a physician izes that he is driving an avocado-colored expert on pain, a historian, and Ed.sel with a cracked cylinder head. Pre- an archaeologist. dictably, the evening plunges lo the earth in Nothing will ever bring you closet flames, like the Hindenburg in a Jersey com- to an understanding of what our ñeld. Savior endured than watching I low lE^iiL'S DIED: THE FINAL 18 HOURS. After her initial eruption. Lee's wife. Robin, blames herself and her Catholic inhi- VHS VIDEO bilions for her failed marriage. She goe.s off to a retreat house in the country to try to put GUARANTEE COLOR, 35 MINUTES, the lava back into the crater, but she tlnds as Complete Satisfaction or Your Money Back STEREO SOUND t ik^W lEStJS niï[>: TUE l-INAl 18 HOURS 1 copy: $29.95 much iranquility as she would if her Blooni- aimes witli this uncundiikinai guiirantec; If you're dissati.i- ingdale"s charge card had been canceled tied With the vLileti in any way. lor iiny roason, v'u may PLUS: $4.93 SHIPPING reiiim it m giwxl amJitian tur ii fiill ^nJ cumpittc reflmd at AND HANDLING without advance notice. While she struggles any time within 90 days of ytnir purchase. Eticlose a copy of orii;inal invoice anj we'll issue a refund for the full TO ORDER for peace of soul, a celebrity priest, who has his own television show and line of self- 1-800-303-9595 help books arrives and basks in the adula- www.trinitypictures.com tion of the inmates. For him, recognition 18 AMERICA DECEMBER 19,1998 provides the serenity that Robin struggles to lance magazine writer, covers the event to that little green man—or rather person, draw from quiet reflection in a religious add a final touch of color to his profile of since there is no gender in Nebula Tran- environment. Nicole. He seems oddly at peace with his shudsonia—has observed. Earthlings real- At the suggestion of a friend. Lee thinks lot in life, as though he has finally accepted ly do talk that way, especially when trying she might find more peace through plastic hhnself as a mere pawn of destiny. As the to cross the Triborough Bridge at rush surgery than prayer. During her visit to the lights in the cavernous Ziegfeld theater dim, hour. eelluüte chop shop she accidentally meets a "Help." written in smoke, appears on the television director. Tony Gardella (Joe Man- screen, The camera cuts to the audience sit- tegna}. who is instrumental in starting a ting in the dark mindlessly plunging oily L HE ENSEMBLE CAST is btith bril- series of improbable events that lead to cele- fingers into tubs of overpriced popcorn. liant and generous. Putting the neurotic brity, and with celebrity (he happiness and Some are rich and famous, others merely Woody Allen persona into a rttbust, Irish fulfillment that she could never achieve the munching, unwashed, ticket-buying actor makes the character's whining and through hei' own efforts at spiritual and cos- multitude.