BREHDREN times a closer look into the brehdren universe volume 1 - june 2, 2018 Band Releases New Record at Crazy Dance Party Mysterious recluse finally reveals name after being crowned dance king Local nine-piece ska outfit Brehdren released its latest record “Classifieds” at a dance competition at the Railway Stage & Beer Café on June 2. But what started as a simple album release and celebration of dance, spun sideways when a mysterious recluse won the competition and finally revealed his identity.

Long known to locals only as the “Man with the Crazy Suits,” this mysterious gentleman stumbled through the doors of the Railway and on to the dance floor just as Brehdren hit the stage. People immediately marveled at the “My name is Benneth Kenjamin Bones.“

crazily-clothed man’s moves as he snaked his Kenjamin Bones. Thank you.” The room way around competitors to take the ultimate erupted with applause while Mr. Moil placed prize of the evening: the Double Rainbow a crown upon Mr. Bones’ head and a ribbon Award of Dance. around his neck. Mr. Bones then stepped off the stage, danced, and disappeared into the Brehdren lead singer Scott E. Moil presented crowd. No one saw him again that evening. the award to the colorfully-clad individual during their set, which included all five songs However, while having a drink after the event from their new record, The Classifieds. The I noticed a book sitting alone on the bar that COMING SEPTEMBER 2, 2018 man shyly walked to the front of the room to read “The Life and Times of Benny K. Bones”. Celebrating the release of Space Case III, we are bringing accept his accolades. As soon as he stepped On the book was a note: “This book is for the Space Case fans together from around the world. onto the stage Mr. Moil asked for the winner’s world: read and enjoy”. I quickly thumbed Event includes filming location tours, cast Q&A, photo & name and gave him the microphone! through the pages and marveled at the stories. autograph sessions, kraken rides & more! Stay tuned as we plan to issue pages from To everyone’s surprise the man cleared Benny’s book online at www.brehdren.com his throat and said “My name is Benneth

Local Weather What’s Inside?

Classified...... C3 18°C11°C Local News...... B2 Comics...... C3 P: 40% Lyrics...... D4 Swimming, canoeing, hiking, arts & crafts, W: 8 km/h Bread Recipe...... B2 H: 74% late-night camp-outs and more! Crossword...... C3 It’s always grey in Vancouver. Seriously, why is there even a Come for the fun, stay for the friends! space dedicated to the weather. It’s always raining. It’s a grey, Weather...... A1 grey, day so let’s play, play, play and paint this grey city red today. ALL ATTENDEES WILL BE REQUIRED TO SIGN A WAIVER OF LIABILITY. CHILDREN HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DISAPPEAR UNEXPLAINABLY.

Read more stories, watch videos and learn all about the band at brehdren.com! NEWS YOU CAN USE a closer look into the brehdren universe volume 1 - june 2, 2018 Witnesses Claim To See Spirit Rise From Body Got Brehd? Of Murdered Girl New Bakery Proves Popular Among Locals “I never would have believed it “She was the one… I know it,” said not worthy yet, but someday I will A new bakery has rolled into town if I didn’t see it for myself,” said Bobby slowly through his tears. be. I can’t wait to see her.” thanks to carb-enthusiast Anita Cup. Cynthia Wild, who claims she saw “We were perfect for each other. We will update this story Opened earlier this year, “Got Brehd?” a spirit-like apparition rise out of I know some people may think whenever new information was named after her favourite local the body of a murdered girl. it’s not possible to fall in love this becomes available. ska band, Brehdren, who played this quickly, but we did. I can’t believe “A boy was holding her, crying, year’s dance competition (see story this happened. I am forever when this glowing thing came page 1). changed after meeting Julia.” out of her body and rose up to the “I love ska and have named many sky,” continued Mrs. Wild. “I don’t While collecting statements from special loaves after my favourite know exactly what it was, but I witnesses, police received several Vancouver ska bands: the Brass Action know I saw it.” comments about a glow coming Baguette, the Los Furios Lavash, the from Julia’s body and moving The girl, known only as Julia Bone Daddies Brioche, and a lot more,” skyward. No physical evidence (police have refused to provide said Anita. “But my absolute favourite has been gathered to corroborate a last name at this time), was Vancouver ska band is Brehdren, so I these claims. The assailant is still stabbed while on a first date with named the whole shop after them.” at large. a boy named Bobby. The two Sales have been on the rise over the met online, chatting for several “I believe she was the ‘right past few months and Anita is fighting months before finally deciding to height’ to move on to the next to keep up with demand. The local ska meet in person. They went out for world,” said Bobby. “For the rest community has been spreading the dinner then walked around town, of my life I will work to reach that word, which has definitely helped. talking for several hours. height so I can meet her again. I’m Staff artist’s rendering of the event. “It’s a real honor to be the namesake “The brothers have been stealing “The brothers claimed to have for one of the best bakeries in town,” Out-Of-Town from people all across Canada,” established their company in said Brehdren lead singer Scott E. Movers Are Jerks said Constable November. “They 1980, but I’m not sure I believe Moil. “Anita is a real gem. I’m always would take the property and sell that anymore,” said Stephen excited to see what she’s going to bake Hiring a moving company is it to local pawn shops. Probably Hastings, Maureen’s husband. up next.” never easy, but you definitely “They appear to be con artists— don’t expect the owners of the plain and simple. Thankfully “My big goal is to find a way to bring company to be arrested right the owners of the new house we my love of music and bread together in the middle of your move. For are renting were able to help us in some sort of ‘Breadfest’,” said Anita. the Hastings family that’s exactly finish the moving job and we are “I’ve been in talks with Brehdren and what happened. still unpacking as we speak.” we may do something special next Daniel Fivendime year. We’ll see.” “The Dan brothers recently The Dan brothers will appear in moved in just down the street court for their arraignment next Anita has been nice enough to share from us. I thought we could Monday. a special bread recipe with our trust them. I was wrong,” said publication. Maureen Hastings, who hired the See inset. Dans Haul Crates company for her family’s recent move. Danthony Fivendime

Daniel and Danthony Fivendime looking to raise enough money were arrested last week halfway to retire on an island, sipping between the Hastings old house sangria all day long.” and their new one. Pulled over Thankfully the brothers were by Constable Todd November, arrested before they could the “Dan Brothers”, as they call steal from the Hastings family. themselves, were wanted on Unfortunately, the family was warrants from several provinces stuck mid-move with a lot of for stealing property from their work left to do. customers. THE CLASSIFIEDS a closer look into the brehdren universe volume 1 - june 2, 2018

Nine-piece Ska Band 4 Rent Dancing Lessons Broke Your Horn? Local ska outfit Brehdren is available Want to win next year’s dance Get it fixed by horn expert Sweet. 10,000 for your event! Let’s skank, let’s dance, competition? Start your training now horns fixed in the last year. You break it, come on! Contact Ian at +1.604.889.6902 with dance expert Mike “Mr. Legs” I fix it! Contact me at +1.555.455.8558. Chamzuk! $45/hr. Call +1.555.551.4133 for Metal Teeth Needed for Cyber Voice Be Free Speech more info. Robot Birds Voice and presentation consultants. Millionaire willing to spend large sums Scott E. Moil Bobble Head Feel like your words just come out of money for metal teeth. Need to feed Open box. Lightly used. $500 firm. like babble? Let us help you speak up robot birds. If you can acquire, please Serious offers only. Contact Noman at and get seen! Seminar next Tuesday at contact Karina at +1.555.515.3554 778.840.6736 Sunset Community Centre. Contact Clancy at 555.755.8757 Your forehead will disappear! Witness for accident on Midnight Road last Monday at 3am. Some clown in a car rolled down a driveway, smashed into me on the road, turned on, and then just drove away. Contact Ashton at 555.555.7584. Out Goes The Window THANK YOU! Window repair services. Are you A great many thanks are in order suffering from the effects of a broken for this publication to have come to window? You never want to feel like fruition. Brehdren would like to extend that. Let us take the pane away. Contact massive gratitude to Doug Fury of Jah at 555.255.5813. Fortissimo Studios, Ryan Clare, The Brass Action, Space Chimp, Chad Cole INSTRUCTIONS: Homemade Fried Chicken & Cake & the staff at the Railway Stage & Beer Buy cream, use cream, grow hair! It’s finger sucking good! Trust Lawrence Cafe, Strange Fellows Brewery, Suna May cause shortness of breath, and his wife Hayley to make your party Studios, Jonny Bones, Oswaldo Perez nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, death, & baldness. unforgettable with our unbelievable Cabrera, CJSF90.1FM, VanArts & all our Do you have an event coming up: homemade fried chicken cake. Call families, friends & fans! Free BrehdCoin Seminar +1.555.553.7555 Performance? Graduation? Cryptocurrency expert Trevor Questions for the editor? Work party? Kid’s party? Tablotney will teach you the benefits Crossword: Email: [email protected] 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Wigs of all colours & styles. and risks of the latest digital currency to hit the market. June 10 at 8 p.m. at Visit us at 1385 Odlum Dr. 9 10 11 12 Mount Pleasant Community Centre. For Lost my Pork Pie Hat more info, call +1.555.255.0556 13 14 15 16 17 Was riding horse at Camp Brehdren. Dropped black pork pie hat. Has Looking 4 Assistant Mover 18 19 20 21 sentimental value. Have you seen it? Must be willing to work weekends. 22 23 Contact Mr. E. Moil at +1.778.840.6736 Must be good with pianos. If interested contact Dan F. or Dan F. at 555.546.4545. Winnebago for Sale 24 25 26 SPFC TICKETS 4 SALE Well used, but well-taken-care- 27 28 29 of Winnebago for sale. Originally Two 3-day passes for Space Case purchased on May 6, 1977, this vehicle FanCon. Would love to go, but camping 30 31 has been to space and back. Cleaned / bear hunting. Hope the flashlight and ready for new owner. Contact Darel batteries don’t go! LOL! $800 for pair 32 33 34 at +1.555.504.5555 obo. Contact Benneth at 555.321.5648. 35 36 37

R 38 39 O W 40 41 42 43 44 45 Y E R 46 47 48 49 B O 50 51 52 A T 53 54

Across: Down: 1 Band Improvising 32 High Powered Light 2 This Crosswords Constructor 24 Forehead Definition K 3 Featured Local Recluse 34 Droop 3 Shortest form of Benneth 25 Arch Enemies I 10 Follow Orders 35 Straight up conversation 4 Looker 26 City of Ska Origins N 12 Assist 38 Yes in Spanish 5 Expression of Surprise 29 Movie Narration G 13 Recreational Vehicle 39 Yes in Russian 6 Not Far 33 Without Difficulty 17 Ureka! 40 Quest 7 School Related 36 Duke 18 Use a Hammer 45 Put liquid somehwere 8 3rd Astro Detective Story 37 Not Out Q 19 Sports Zebra 46 Twin Ion-Engine Space Fighter 9 Dance Hall Craze 41 Dagger U 20 Dewy 47 Pokemon Advancement 11 Abbr Billion 42 Tom’s Diner Songwriter I 23 Lower Ones Dignity; to stoop 50 Therefore 13 Cowboy Country 43 Small Screen N 24 Travel in 13 down 52 Untruthful Person 14 Things to sleep on 44 Software Contract C 27 Command to a horse 53 Another Wave 15 A horse eats from 45 ____ Pie Hat Y 28 Captital City in Huila, Columbia 54 Door Opener 16 Plays a Hammond 48 Today I Learned 30 Employ Something 21 Not Again 49 Internal Affairs 31 Abbr. Numbers 22 Let’s ___Bowling 51 Either BREHDREN times a closer look into the brehdren universe volume 1 - june 2, 2018

Wild West Dan’s Haul Crates took a nap on the mats and fell alone. A long & lonely flight; with asleep sweet and sound. no way home. Don’t need no reason to get some Two brothers named Dan. Lived sun on my face, to get outside & down the street, they bought a Old man & his boy had to finish Dressed up wishing he’s a enjoy this magical place. moving van. Had a big plan made the job after waiting 14 hours doctor king. More like a space just to learn they weren’t robbed. clown covered in bling. D.R. I went to a ranch, got myself the a deal shook hands to move all the boxes as fast Boxes and beds were a plenty... no halo, wear a fake crown take chance, climbed in the stirup & as they can. Get down. Two hits for one hundred rode off on horseback. Got up to I don’t know how they moved all the money henchmen. Spear thru the soft a gallup, no longer in the saddle, the piano. You know their Vans and then spot of the kraken smile split my lips; bliss. a little shakey. Them brothers disappear were a little flakey. Established Now it’s just the two of them. Can’t believe I’m doing this. retire on an Vancouver 1980. Mano a mano it’s a FaceTime Flew like the wind; adventure island sippin duel. It’s a secret fight; he’s going begins. When I got knocked off as sangria. Comes down to one last Space Case III it alone. A long & lonely flight; a fox stopped us solid like a rock. thing. They’ve got to get through with no way home. their very first gig. Screaming past traps. Smelling “Have you seen it? Lost my Pork burning wax wings are melting. Since the day they born both little Pie Hat.” said the classified ad. Hit the Park and dash in his space Benny Bones shady. You know their Vans a little winnebego. Feel it. He can feel it in his bones. Things were good when we were shakey. Them bros were a little Born to move along to it his blood racing; time lost all meaning. It flakey. Established Vancouver It’s a prism of plagiarism, must be two tone. He’s Benny; was dangerous but oh so much 1980. breaking down to a spectral fun. Sitting on the ground; down Introducing Benny Bones. but not out watching mare going One day when he just closed becoming mare gone. Breeze hits his eyes and gave in to old the top of my head I reach up to maestro. He Dances; In trances. find my hat is gone no where to metronome romances. His 3 be found. Good times are over piece is rhinestone, but no one left me reflecting my loss as I knows it’s pre-owned. He’s walk myself back to town. magic on the dance floor. He’s really got it going on. Benny’s on Hairline the dancefloor. Darling get on the dance floor He did it on his own. He and dance with me. wandered off the dancefloor into Kick off your shoes and another ballroom. He won the come dance with me. Rude competition going on. He was so boy on the dance floor. far inside his head he didn’t even Rude girl on the dance floor. Get know. Benny gets home; he looks on the dance floor, Chelsea. down. A ribbon round his neck; top his head a gold crown. He’s Get on the dance floor and dance magic on the dance floor. He’s with me. You know you’re going really got it going on. to have a good time & everything is gonna be fine, tonight. Benny, you know he’s going to win it all. Benny’s on the dancefloor Let’s dance! Let’s skank! Come Elephunk encore; get out of the on! I don’t wanna dance alone way elephunk. tonight. Chris doesn’t need to BRAND NEW have a solo, you know he owns 5 RECORDINGS this beat. My hairline is informal just like his music treats. Rude boy on the dance floor. Rude girl on the dance floor. Get on the dance floor, everybody. Get on the dance floor and dance with me. You know you’re going to have a One got arrested and the other schism. Triplicating the bands good time & everything is gonna stepped in poo. Somewhere of light so far apart that you just be fine, tonight. Let’s dance! Let’s along the ride he also lost his can’t see them. AVAILABLE NOW! skank! Come on! I don’t wanna shoe. Finally arrived threw the AT BREHDREN.BANDCAMP dance alone tonight. mats on the ground and then he It’s a secret fight; he’s going it OR WHEREVEVER YOU CONSUME MUSIC