Download the Flipside iPhone app! stanfordflipside.com WIN A FREE FLIPSIDE SHOT GLASS (see back) w ide.com Free Everywhere, $2.30 Canada Year 5, Issue 9, No. 129 ww.stanfordflips HEADLINES Climatologists Concede that New York Would Look Pretty Sweet Underwater A recently released study by included carefully rendered artist’s a panel of IPCC climatologists concepts of what the Big Apple reports that, in the likely event would like as an empty, aquatic of catastrophic rises in sea level cityscape, with captions such as on a global scale that we are now “Wow!”, “Sweet!”, and “Modern powerless to stop, the city of New day Atlantis right here!”. York will look awesome under all “Hurricane Sandy is just a taste that water. of what is to come, and of what will Raven Softens Position; “Picture it, if you will,” said be necessary to submerge America’s ‘Sometimes,’ He Concedes Roger Feldman of Switzerland, of people and the abandonment greatest metropolis,” the study one of the leading climate-change of billions of dollars’ worth of concluded. “The tragedies that experts involved with the study, infrastructure would be regrettable, will befall New York City and our “The Empire State Building as a the sight of New York underwater planet as a whole will be vast and bustling coral reef, a manta ray would be astounding. Towering tragic, made more so by the fact gliding gracefully past the Statue of pillars of concrete stretching up that they were utterly preventable. Liberty. It almost makes one glad from the murky depths to the sun- But when all is said and done, the that mankind has decided to chart dappled shallows. Yankee Stadium sight of well-known New York itself on an unsustainable path of transformed into an eerily silent landmarks settling deeper into the reckless fossil fuel consumption that oceanic abyss will be achingly and Students Calling Themselves underwater grotto. All ghostly ‘Henessey’s Army’ Meet in may well bring about the downfall testaments to a bygone era.” hauntingly beautiful, something we History Building’s Room of of one of its greatest cities.” The study thoroughly analyzed can all appreciate. Plus, if anyone Requirement to Do His colleague, American scientist the aesthetic improvement that deserves to have their city doomed Advanced PSets Richard Murray, was quick to agree. hundreds of feet of ocean would to a watery grave it’s those asshole “While the displacement of millions bring to the New York skyline, and New Yorkers.” (LaDriscoll) Coursera to Offer Social Dance Takes the Heat for ’s Sordid Affairs

This week, longtime Elmo puppeteer and accused sex offender Kevin Clash held a press conference to state that he is innocent and that authorities should be prosecuting the real culprit, Elmo himself. The prepared statement, in which Clash claimed to be “in the wrong puppet at the wrong time,” contained Coursera, the online education class,” added freshman Charles testimonials from other members startup famous for its flipped- Tung. “Coursera’s platform will of the Workshop as classroom system that gives eliminate lots of inconveniences, well. students twice the lecture for the like eye contact and that gnawing “People assume that just because same number of units, announced fear that you might run into the I was Elmo’s handler, I could control Thursday that they will offer girl you’re awkwardly dancing his every move,” sighed Clash. “But “Clash did what he could to rein social dance classes on their web with later at the CoHo.” that’s where they’re wrong. There’s in Elmo’s twisted libido, but I’m platform, starting in January. Representatives will not yet only so much a celebrity handler not surprised that Elmo escaped Coursera’s game-changing new confirm rumors that Coursera can do.” Clash recounted multiple for a few lascivious nights.” Even class leverages Microsoft Kinect to will also begin offering another occasions when he momentarily , the Muppet drummer simulate real-life dancing without popular Stanford class, Images of stepped away from the puppet, only known for his wild behavior and the need for actual human Women in French Cinema. Many to return and find Elmo purring at animalistic tendencies, called Elmo contact. In a two-step process, students have requested that small children and begging, “Come a “MONSTER!!” and a “CRAZY students with a Kinect will be able the class be moved from the tickle Elmo!” KINKY SONOFABITCH!!!” to dance with a virtual partner Stanford classroom to the online “Elmo may have an innocent, When confronted with the rumor potentially thousands of miles platform. As a student who wishes fuzzy red exterior and a babylike that Elmo may have filmed a sex away over an internet connection. to remain anonymous explained, coo, but he’s a raging beast inside,” tape with , Sesame Street Reaction on campus to the “Some things are best done from confirmed another Muppet who representatives were unavailable for announcement has been generally the comfort of one’s single.” (Jia , wished to remain anonymous. comment. (Arbeiter) positive. “I’m looking forward the Debray) QUOTH: “Nevermore.” - The Raven

Can you guess the common word REBUS PUZZLES or phrase portrayed below? Numbers 0 The combined number of PAC-12 North Championships be- tween Jim Plunkett, John Elway, and Andrew Luck in their col- lege careers, making Kevin Hogan the greatest QB in Stanford history.

stanfordflipside.com

last week’s answers: VOLUNTEER, COUNTER PUNCH, PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS, CHIPMUNK

This is a simple substitution code. Each letter is replaced by a different letter. Try to CRYPTOGRAM CHALLENGE decode the message or quote below. HINT G = A. “CXXH YFEN ESX CGBIFXVV HXXBYFP, KNFP Y VENNC ESXBX LNFCXBYFP, AXGBYFP, CNDZEYFP, CBXGRYFP CBXGRV FN RNBEGK XJXB CGBXC EN CBXGR ZXANBX.” ― XCPGB GKKGF HNX, ESX BGJXF

last week’s answer: A POSITIVE ATTITUDE MAY NOT SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT IT WILL ANNOY ENOUGH PEOPLE TO MAKE IT WORTH THE EFFORT. -HERM ALBRIGHT

Unscramble these four ordinary ASK THE FLIPSIDE JUMBLE jumbles, and use the letters in This week’s advice from: A Jew during the holidays circles to answer the final question. Dear Jew during the holidays, Should I get a Christmas present for my roommate? I want to show her that I appreciate what a good roommate she’s been, but I don’t want her to feel obligated to get me anything. - Gift-Giver in GovCo

Dear Gift-Giver, Have you ever considered that maybe your roommate doesn’t buy into the commercialism that consumes Americans at this time of the year? Your money would be better spent on a plane ticket to Israel to expand your world- view past the Santa-and-baby-Jesus-centric closet you’ve been living in.

Dear Jew during the holidays, I decided to stop eating meat a couple of months ago, and I haven’t been home since. I’ll be going home during Christmas break, and we usually have a big turkey dinner for Christmas. I don’t want to burden my family with providing vegetarian options for the main course, but I’m really happy with my decision to not eat meat. How should I bring this up to my parents? - Meatless in Manzanita

Dear Meatless, “Christmas break”? Really? There are other holidays besides Christmas, you know. Not everyone enjoys listening to the same four songs about the tenta- tive birthday of your religious figure over and over again from Thanksgiving until New Year’s. Maybe you should encourage your local vegetarian restau- rant to stay open. It might catch on, and then I wouldn’t have to eat Chinese food every fucking December 25. LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS: STUNT, ELOPE HUMANE, WISDOM What would

Dear Jew during the holidays, a best selling broom do: SWEEP THE NATION My roommate insisted upon putting up dozens of strands of Christmas lights and four different nativity scenes when we got back from Thanksgiving break. I always trip on the three wise men on the way to my desk, and the abundance Editorial Board: Bill Driscoll, Conor Doherty, Kyle Hoffer, Roxy Carbonell, of lights is irritating, not to mention a huge, inefficient waste of energy. Matt LaVan, Akiko Kozato Frankly, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. How do I ask her to stop forcing her Christmas spirit on me? -Annoyed in Arroyo The Stanford Flipside is a weekly satirical newsletter. Our stories are fictional, but we make jokes about real issues. Our goal is not to offend you, but to make you laugh and to Dear Annoyed, reframe our world to point out the absurdities. Anyone is free to join the Flipside, and we Marry me? I’ll build the chuppah. would love to have you! We meet Tuesdays at 9pm to brainstorm. Contact [email protected] for more information.