Inside This Issue News 3 Classifieds 8 Opinion 10 Student Life 11 Feature 14 Sports 20

Entertainment . 25 Brain Candy 31 "The tie that binds since 1926" Volume XXXVH • Issue Four • Thursday, September 5,1996 WLU Student Publications theFroshWEEKLY Cord Week '96 B&D BEUVEMES/r INC. o t C/rt >i/c and 'SWW' II A 45 ™ a/ue^

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MELANIE SEAL assets that need protecting," Lynn Student Centres have some type of Cord News explained. security control: "It's a safety pre-

On August 19, WLUSU installed "Our number one concerns are caution ... it allows us to have con- a "Defence" alarm system on its vandalism - we need to protect our- trol of who is in the building." profit centres and main office, selves - and theft: we don't want to The alarm system is equipped which acts as both a motion and fork out because of a robbery in the with the ability to expand through- audio sensor. "Any time an area is Unret," Lynn noted. "Hopefiifly the out the entire building, should the violated, we can pick it up, we can alarm will deter those who want to Students' Union decide toremove its keep track of whois going where by ruin the buildingfor everyone else." status as 24 hour accessible build- their log in numbers," Students' Campus security is hooked up to ing. "The lounge is going to remain Union President JoelLynn said. the alarm system, and is immedi- open 24 hours until we complete The May break-in on Wilfrid ately notified in the event of a the audit of the alarm system. The Laurier University Students' Union break-in. Security will in turn notify decision on closing the building is was a deciding factor in the future the local authorities, ifnecessary. yet to be decided. We are very ofthe building. Tightening the security around proud of the building, we want to Money hungry... The Students' Union Turret safe found itself ravished "In light of the recent break, in the Students' Union Building is not make sure that the current state is by thieves in search of cold hard cash. we realized that we had a lot of a new idea. Lynn said that most maintained," Lynn said. WLUSU cuts WLU sees more green

General MELANIE SEAL Wey said, "but they don't want to Cord News take anymore than they already do WLU's custodians have extended because we're in a valley right now Manager their duties to include the universi- Because the bottom fell out of the ty's recycling program. Previously, market it's tough to find a contrac- they only collected fine paper and tor to do both (systems of recy- position cardboard. Their new responsibili- cling)." ties include maintenance of blue Currently, the city of Waterloo bins in open and academic areas. and Laidlaw have separate con- MELANIE SEAL The primary objective ofthe pro- tracts with the residences and the Cord News gram is to ensure carts are emptied academic areas. The containers in WpM laurier IjyversMy Studen&T each week, and are always returned the residences will accept coloured Union has undergone substantial to their original locations, remaining glass, while the receptacles in acad- changes in its senior management accessible. emic areas will not "Educating the 'lira Ilranka, the former General "Custodial services" and Wilfrid students is difficult when there are Manager firthe Students* Union was Laurier University Students' Union's two different systems," Wey said. 3G£h, and tiepossSon Environmental Council promote a PP&P reports that although the waserased within the corporation. wastereduction and reuse program. program has been well accepted by Physical Plant and staff and students, Ihe General Manager to more of a Planning conduct- Recyclables are the enormous bulk business manager position," Joel ed a survey to of recyclable mate- Lynn, President of WLUSU said. decide the degree rials is lost to regu- "We've grown, we now have a lot of of activity in build- contaminated.. lar garbage management, Our needs have ings around the because it has Laurier campus when non- been "contaminat- lynn saw the re-arrangemont of and where the ed". Recyclable senior management as positive. most ideal loca- material becomes ate fc«asig times-for tions for recycling recyclable contaminated poration, exrjting times for manage- stations would be. when non-recy- ment \Ve have a good crowd of fUfl- Large blue material is clable material is carts were placed found inside a con- The eradication of WLUSU's in open areas so tainer of recyclable .ition was a they were easier inside a con- material. An directive of WLUSU Board of to access and example is when more visible on tainer of recy- trash is put inside When asked if the move to campus. There a glass jar or a pop another full-time position would are carts for fine can. "We're short affed the governing ofWLUSU. Lynn paper, newspaper, clable material. the man power. cardboard, clear We don't have the glass, coloured glass, and aluminum time to sort," Wey said. On-campus recycling should be easier this year after improvements dents normally deal with will still be cans. George Raptis, WLUSU Vice in the collection of cans, bottles, newspapers... (you get the idea). Waterloo Region appreciates the President: University Affairs felt that Lynn said the environment easy availability ofthe carts and the students are eager to help their grams in residences with the assis- about what can be recycled. Regier around WLUSU after the lay-off willingness to participate in the environment by using recycling tance of WLUSU's Environment saw ignorance of the benefits Teds of very positive. Everybody feels waste reduction program. WLUSU receptacles. "I think when people Council "We have little blue boxes recycling as a major problem. "I and PP&P have shared the cost of see the carts and blue boxes, they here and there," Sonja Regier, don't think people realize the ways buying extra blue boxes for the resi- tend to use them" Raptis said. "If I WLUSU's Environmental Council's that things can be reused and creat- many outside ofWLUSU, and n<& dences. However, the recycling mar- have a pop can in my hand and only director said, "but we really have to ed into other things," she said. ket is at em all-time low. Joe Wey, of a garbage can in front of me, I think getmoving and shaking on this." PP&P challenges the university WLUSU is known for. "Htttttaii PP&P explained the recycling mar- uh-oh, I have nowhere to throw my PP&P and the Environmental community to assist in finding new private issues Ihe ket peaks and valleys. pop can." Council plans to concentrate on edu- and innovative ways to reduce, "They'll have to accept it (recy- In the future, custodial services cational programs, such as provid- reuse and save on valuable c r-.-i-i • 's;; * • cled waste) because they have to," plans to enhance its recycling pro- ing information to the community resources.

theCord September 5,1996 3 (News)- New additions to SUB

MELANIE SEAL increase traffic in the food court. Anne Faye, Manager of Purple Hawk's Nest will be open at nine Rob Creswell, the T\irret's manager Cord Infomercial This is great for the students," Lynn and Gold, doesn't see the addition of thirty am for morning coffee. Joel said. "It needed a facelift. It will get The Students' Union Building, with said. Red Deer clothing as a threat to her Lynn commented, "Really, it's a rec some traffic patterns started. It does tiie Food Court, Wilfs, Centre Spot, Bill Chan, owner of Red Deer, business, "They're totally different room for the students." look sharp." Super Dave's 2 haircuts, The Tlirret, said the corporation is hoping to stores. If you want a T-shirt to say According to Lynn the renova- Creswell noted the Hawk's Nest v and the Hawk's roost, would seem expand and put outlets in universi- Laurier' then you'd have to get it tions in the Turret and Wilfs were is one of the few areas of the cam- to have its share of profit centres. ties. "The concept ofretail in a uni- here," Faye said. necessary. "There were some pus' buildings where smoking is However, in late July, construction versity is a new venture," Chan said, Faye suggested the two stores upgrades we realized we needed to permitted. and renovation for a new addition adding that the store will provide can complement one another: "if do after the first year," Lynn said. began in the area next the Food greater employment opportunities [the students] pack up a sweatshirt "This was a last priority area," Court. for students or jacket we can put the letters on it "Because of the debt load from "We are looking for students to for them." IF YOll heed the expansion to the building, we run the store, and work there ... The two stores reached art HDTlf/Sl have to maximize possible lease rev- Laurier students are very friendly, agreement about what Red Deer HEW GLASSES, l/rIIVffl. enue from these empty spaces," said and easy-going." can sell. Faye recognized that Red nm IHl'HMiUffl Joel Lynn, President of the Students' Red Deer will feature "competi- Deer, while not offering Laurier Union. tively priced" clothing by selling merchandise, may be cheaper. "Not Red Deer clothing, a store which brand name overruns and endlines. everyone has an unlimited number offers end-of-the-line run-ofis from Chan stressed that price is not offunds," Faye said. brand names such as Patagonia, his only consideration for the clothes In addition, WLUSU has created, (includes vision SQQOO frame, single plastic m m Roots, Far West and the Gap, will be sold in Red Deer "We hope file stu- "the Hawks Nest," a games room lenses, scratch resistant coating) ™ ™ filling the empty space next to the dents will be happy with our prod- located next to the TUrret. As well as food court. "This will put a lot of uct. We're not going to bring in staff offering pod and video games, the 255 King St. N.(at University) Waterloo 888-0411 money into the student centres, and you can get at Zellers," Chan said.

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or Contacts Straight the Soliciting - Unauthorized 2 for 1 Glasses FKFF cno/ rkPP i? from offices of Glasses or Contact Buv one ,. SU/o complete pair of . ill 1150 hrs Wed 14Aug & 111 l IT3IIICS Security ChiefP. Jorg 96 at price and a one Protection Tinting , with complete purchase of glasses lenses regular get second Officers received a call that a suspi- FREE ' g' Val e Over in stock , V 3000 4SB*ts _ • cious vehicle and were \sk us about our Mix a' \i;uch combination • valid on iftot 1 glasses "'Complete glasses include frame and lenses. Theft Under $5000.00 occupants & <>i glasses • contact Must be applied at time of purchase only. Details in store Expires Nov 30/96 1030hrs Mon 22 July 96 parked near the AC. The occupants • Expires Nov • Details m store 30/96 Details in store Expires Nov 30/96 Hotel Lauder staffreported the theft were apparently trying to sell stereo We accept all insurance • Blue Cross ■ Green Shield • Ministry of Community & Social Services, and Welfare Canada »DVA of a T-shirt and cap from the area of speakers. The Officers responded to the front desk. the location but the suspicious vehi- cle was gone. Further investigation Unauthorized use ofpremises with WRPF revealed the stereo 0005 hrsFri 26 July% equipment was not stolen and that While on routine patrol the duty offi- the occupants were just attempting cer came across two non-WLU per- to sell goods from their vehicle. sons using the computers in the Investigation continues. Peters Building. They were given a warning and escorted off campus. Cause Disturbance 2150 hrs Fri 16Aug % Theft Under $5000.00 The duty Officer attended a noise 1200 hrsFH 26 July96 complaint on the seventh floor of A WLU staff member reported the Bricker Residence. A large number theft of her bicycle seat from her of intoxicated residents were found bike while it was left near the Woods running around the hallways. All Building. were given a verbal caution.

Possession Stolen Property LL Act Violations Sat 27 July % 1930 hrs Sat 17Aug %

' Two non-WLU males were appre- Officers witnessed numerous Liquor hended on Bricker Ave. in posses- License violations taking place on v ) sion of a patio umbrella and chair campus this evening. Several of v Jr._ _ _ jptgipppps from one of the local pubs. The these individuals were served with owner of the establishment was P.O.N.'s and charged with consum- notified and indicated he did not ing under age and carrying liquor in want charges laid. The items were an open container. returned. Mischief Non-Reportable MVA 1900hrs Sat 17 Aug % S*vpy photo 1305hrs Mon 29 July96 The duty Officer discovered that The duty officer investigated a someone had pushed in and dam- JS* minor MVA where a delivery truck aged the WLU campus directory did minor damage to the corner of map located outside the AC. No sus- 247 KING STREET NORTH AT UNIVERSITY AVE. the PP&P building at 81 Lodge. pects at this time. The incident is NEXTTOGUSMAUESPORTS under investigation. WATERLOO PHONE 746-0026 Police Assistance 0435 hrs Thu 01 Aug 96 Mischief ■%< 2PL sS'£l BUY PREPAID FILMS The night shift officers assisted 1940 hrs Sat 17Aug 96 every roll brought \ AND SAVE MORE Waterloo Regional Police in an effort The duty Officer received a call that

in for One Hour _ _ _ to locate a suspect after the robbery person(s) unknown had cut a large Photofinishing ll* 99 llaSljßfe of a local convenience store. hole in the west side of the chain • Maximum limit 5 rolls each per coupon. ; m pbcmib !■ link fence at Seagram stadium. The • !.. „, ~ Act checked Coupon must accompany order. c . c.. Indecent area was and secured. No , • j ! 24 Exp. Kodak or Fuii prepaid % • Coupon I in FIM 1845 hrs Mon 12Aug suspects at this time. Investigation not to be used junction j Co | our Prjnt F|lm day one service. J J Officer Langley reported that while continues. with any other photofinishing promotion. ; Film price includes Processing off duty and using the AC. facilities • Oct. 31st'96 ! Exp. Oct. 31st'96 SJ^°PPypHC,ro Coupon valid until he observed a male masturbating False FireAlarm near the showers of the men's 2140 hrs lue 20 Aug 96 change room. The suspect saw the Unknown person activated a pull SAVE UP TO $6.00 officer and bolted out the door. Hie station in the Science Building. No FREE ! on 1 Hour or 1 Day Photofinishing Service Officer was unable to apprehend suspects. $2 00 OFFI2 Exp- him. The incident is under investiga- \ tion. Cause Disturbance FREE Replacement 1320hrs Thu 22 Aug 96 Roll when you nrc of r^' - bring in a roll ol colour print lilm SSf $6.00ff'nn OFF 36 Exp. Fire Alarm False An Officer responded to a report of * 1240 hrs Hie 13 Aug 96 two females arguing loud voices C-41,135 only lor 1 hour process *o/ [ ! o"er on our 1 hour or 1 day regular in . . price, - i- r n XT 35 mm Colour Print C4l Process only. The duty Officer received a call of at the Athletic Complex over a n m limit 5 rolls 1 per coupon . j Nol va | id wilh ony olher specials or discoun!s fire alarm on the second floor of202 minor dispute in the women's • Coupon valid until Oct. 31st '96 Snappy photo j «Coupon valid until Oct. 3ist '96 Sncppy PHOTO Regina St. Investigation of the call change room. Both parties stopped revealed that the fire alarm was and no further action was required. false and caused by a 4-year-old boy pulling a fire alarm station near the Mischief Under $5000.00 Registration Office. The mother of 0210 hrs Sun 25 Aug 96 the boy had been busy registering Person(s) unknown broke one of the for a course at the time. gate arms at 10t,20. No suspects.

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TOM HRUBES Frosh week is not a time when Cord News Commentary the majority of your lasting friend- The people who organize Frosh ships will be formed. At the end of WELCOME BACK TO ALL WLU week would like to sell you the idea Frosh week you'll think boy isn't my that it is a novel event in your floor great? Isn't my brother/sister STUDENTS! University existence. They would like floor fantastic? Give it a few months. you to believe that you will never After your first mandatory floor spend another carefree week, drink- event you probably won't speak to ing and partying, during your four your brother/sister floor again. As years at Laurier. They for your own floor - —iWiaCOME TO ALL FROSHH will tell you that wait until the end of spending a week the year, after you doing activities remi- really get to know elementary everyone. Pizza niscent of YES WE ARE WATERLOO'S #1 CHOICE school "playdays," and There are some getting all hot and aspects of Frosh week FOR GREAT TASTING PIZZA! bothered over what team colour you I do agree with. Getting first year are is a sacred rite of passage. students interested in the various I disagree. activities around campus is impor- First of all, let me assure all you tant. As corny as it may sound, get- Frosh out there that this will not be ting involved in extra-curricular WE OFFER FAST, FREE DELIVERY TO the only week of debauchery in your activities will make your stay at existence. If you don't believe me just Laurier more rewarding. Another YOOR HOME, RESIDENCE OR TO wait untilnext week. In fact universi- important aspect is acquainting stu- ty students from all years enjoy a dents with the services available to THE UNIVERS,TY- period ofrelaxation and enjoyment - them, such as Foot Patrol and of WE HAVE 2 GREAT WATERLOO we just call it September. course there is Shinerama. Then there is the colour thing. No doubt some Ice Breaker or LOCATIONS NEAR YOU: Upon arrival you are given one of some Frosh will write in with a WE ARE THE HOME TO TWOFOOT, four colours. This is intended to be clever retort to this article. It will 150 university ave w tat Phillip] very significant. I appreciate (what I reek of indignation (and other 5 buchs' STUFFED CROST AND assume to be) the rationale behind things) and it will call me several (op delivery takeout and , this: that the Frosh have to be divid- unkind names. So before you start ON SEPT 9th, MONDAY NIGHT All ed up somehow, so why not use writing let me make something crys- colours? However, after Frosh week tal clear. I'm not calling for the elimi- 91 UNIVERSITY ave E Meter] what team you were nation of Frosh week, just the short- YOU CAN EAT MADNESS IS RACK no one cares for dine-in [come in for our on, and it has no bearing on the rest ening of it. Take away all the manda- tVtn. of your university career. Personally, tory fun and let the first years decide all you can eat specials] Btlltn I nflRI I can say that it had no effect on me how they want to spend their time. whatsoever (ALL HAIL THE RED After all, it is their week, not TEAM). yours.

6 September 5, 1996 theCord —(News) no 9nO Should gj^jszaasmia^i You Have The Choice Because We Have The Selection! Frosh

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DIVCCIIICD ROBIN WHITTAKER higher learning (enter the inherent Cord News Commentary shivers down your spine), to live DlPjJluflitll The mere thought of eliminating with people who are in the same Frosh week is unthinkable if you're proverbial boat. starting first year. And like any wad of goop (as If you're beyond first year, the good looking as it may be) these thought is appealing - assuming students must be crushed together you didn't like Frosh week. in a high-spirited sorta way. The In the past few years, Ontario Frosh must become one great wad BRAIN SAVER universities, notably of school spirited- McMaster and ness. Western, have short- The fact of the ened their Frosh matter is that you'll weeks to three- and NO have to get to know four-day events, in the people you're reaction to tragedies going to be interact- on their respective campuses as a ing with in the classroom, in resi- result ofFrosh week. dence, and all points in between. The tragedies were more a What Frosh week is most suc- result ofincredibly dumbass super- cessful at doing is shortening the ■KnJSn^^n vision and organization than any- length of "getting-to-know-you" thing else. time into one week of heavy-duty If Western organizes Frosh interaction. weeks anything like they play foot- Certainly, over several months, BHIBIMM Phoenix Bunard Mtn. Bike Wheeler 5800 Mtn. Bike Haro Escape A Mm. Bike ' "•»i«c«jyndi«n.n.., 2 ball, then their Frosh are in a world you'd be • • able to get acquainted • I _ Shimano Acera-X 21$p. w/Grip Shih Complete Crmo main frame 7000 series Aluminum Frame B| of trouble. * • with the one-thousand or so people * rmo ma' n 'rame mano 24sp. w/Grip Shift Rock Shox Quadra 21R Fork I HSI kIhQC To shorten the week at these you shake hands with in AC in Hill [HUGO Re B *439 Now $395 Reg 5829 Now 5749 Reg 51559 Now $1399 the schools was certainly as much an that one afternoon during O-week 1 ' ' effort to appease the affected par- — if your course load weren't such mm c-s «»««,.. 411 including: MM RRR9 ties concerned (i.e. reputation man- a distraction! Quality cycling Removable visor, Ten vents computer agement) than anything else. With What abbreviating Frosh week Reg $29.95 Now $20.95 Reg $49.95 Now $39.95 BBBBUgSHI |||l|y|| careful, tight planning, the kind that ensures is that the first few sched- Laurier is famous for (our spirit is uled classes will be populated by only 'till Sat. indeed well known), accidents such two people (the prof and the TA): (Sale Sept.2B) as these won't happen. Frosh week and only a few keen students.What is as vital to university life as the eliminating Frosh week ensures is a * ■»» weeks allocated for exams. collection of students who must use fill {RON 'mBGH It's a question of social enhance- academic time to meet people and HtfesSl ******* (jt3| www.cyc(Gpatft,com^s. ment (the fun stuff). Students are make friends. 2 King St. South (King at Erb) Waterloo (SI9) 725-2807 moving away from home, usually So where's the good sense — for the first time, to go to a place of and the fun— in that?

theCord September5,1996 7 (News)— Those photogenic Frosh!

HFNSFI HENSEL MARION MARION PICTURE: PICTURE:

The Blue team cheers for the Red team. ALL HAIL THE RED TEAM! Hey - Mom's not supposed to be carrying stuff! Thafs the Icebreakers' job! Cord Unclassifieds

FOR RENT lists, form letters, etc. on recycled Regional Branch, Is currently seek- UppOTtUnitieS Flexible hours to suit your schedule. paper, Laser printing, dictaphone, ing volunteers to support children in For appointment call 658-8956 9 Furnished House for Rent equation editing, graphs and charts one-to-one relationships to assist in Want to enrich your university a.ra. to 9 p.m. For 5 students, 235 Albert, mins. to available. Audrey 884-7123. developing self-esteem and social experience? condition, campus, excellent garage ...._ ___ skills. A child meets with their vol- Check out Delta Gamma women's Lonely on Friday Nights? parking, washer, dryer, 2 fridges, HfcLF WAN IfcU unteer weekly during school hours. fraternity#WLU! The fun begins You're not alone, C'mon, pick up stove, 2 bathrooms, 12 month lease. Needed in schools throughout 'flies. Sept. 17that 5,30 p.m. at 230 the phone and give as a call. You $1600 plus utilities, call 746-7928. Homework Helpers Needed Waterloo Region. CM 744-4806 ext. Albert St (meet Delta Gammas in could meet your soul mate or at Sistersrequires students to tutor LICI D HCtCDCn 335. the concourse at 5.15 to go together least somone to talk to. The first HtLr UrrtKcll elementary/high school students to the house!) Experience the rush step is the hardest. CM now 1 800 who have academic difficulties. Morty's, Mortis Molly's of it! HOT-BABE. ISAT » MCAT- GMAT -GRE Access to a vehicle an asset, is now hiring waitstaff and hosts to on campus PREP! Flexible formats Training is scheduled for serve beer, large wings, and big Models, Actors Needed C.C. including weekends for $195. Wednesday September 25, 1996 burgers. Please apply with a by Kitchener agency for upcoming Welcome back. It was a long, hot, Instant info; [email protected] or 7.00 - 9.00 p.m. To register call resume at Marty's, corner of King local and Toronto assignments dry summer without you. I can't http/Avww.prep.com. Richardson -743-5206 now! and University. No phone calls (fashion shows, catalogues, advertis- wait to see you again. When you Since 1979-1 800410-PREP. please. ing, promotions, TV commercials, come see me, bring the Mazola. Make a difference in a (Mi's life etc.) Skills workshops, photo ses- DA Wbrd Processmg Service Friends, a service of Canadian sions» and immediate agency repre-

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8 September 5, 1996 theCord I ''...about my I | grades dad.■| You have a lot of explaining to do. Take your time.

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Editorial Building a better frosh week While Frosh Week is fun to participate in, it is juvenile. Everybody knows it; I'm justthe only one willing to say it. This is not to say thatthis kind offiin is bad. In fact, Ifeel that although Frosh Week is childish, it is necessary. A lot of good things come out ofFrosh Week. Friendships are formed, bonds are strengthened, Laurier spiritis cre- ated, blah, blah, blah. One ofthe most important things that comes out ofLaurier's Frosh Week, however, is theWEEKLY Cord Shinerama. "The tie that binds since 1926" I know that I don't have to tell you about Shinerama. Most Laurier students have spent one day oftheir Frosh Week shining, buffing and polishing, toraise funds for Cystic Fibrosis. This is notjust a good thing - this is a great thing. University students are able to raise money and awareness of a deadly disease, and have fun while doing it. Recently, some other universities have begun tofeel that Frosh Week has the potential to taint their image. It was decided by Western's Senate members that their Frosh Week would be better offifit were two days A WilfridLaurier University Student Publication shorter. Yes, Western's Frosh "Week" (less two days) would be the example ofa more wholesome goodtime, with- out the excess... or so they thought. A good friend told me that although classes at Western will be beginning on 75 University Avenue West, Waterloo, Ontario, N2L 3C5 September 5, Frosh Week at Western willnow be divided into two weekends, with classes being held in between. (519)884-2990 This suggests to me thatWestern is more concerned withthe appearance ofrespectability than the reality. Fax: (519) 884-5596 You're probably asking what the hey this has to do withLaurier's Shinerama day. The stunted Advertising: (519) 884-5092 frosh week meant Western had to pack four days worth of fun into two, so they elected to reduce Shinerama to half a day. What is the end result of this desire to create a non-party, non-fun, more academic image? Not as much "Okay...who blew the fuse?!" money is raised, and not as much attention is paidto a disease which kills many Canadians each year. It's sad to see Shinerama put on the in an effortto amount can on after back burner reduce the of fun students have their Frosh -The Cord Staff, the infamous SUB "black out" week. Editorial Board If the university is truly concerned about what their students will be up to during Frosh Week, why not place more importance on the meaningful activities? How can the Orientation committee at Western feel that by Editor-in-Chief Melanie Seal cutting back on the amount of time dedicated to Shinerama they are helping to make Western appear more News Editor Tom Hrubes 'respectable'? Associate News Editor Lori Dysievick It seems odd that a school trying to improve its image would curtail one of its major fundraising efforts. Entertainment Editor Aaron Hunter Obviously, fundraising is not as "academic" as thought-intensive activities such as the "Western Olympics". Assistant Entertainment Editor Robin Whittaker Sports Editor Greg Chownyk Assistant Sports Editor Jim Donnelly Editorial by Melanie Seal, Editor-in-Chief Features Editor Ann-Marie Smith The opinions expressed in this editorial are those ofthe author, and do not necessarily reflect those ofthe Cord Staff, the edito- rial board, or Laurier University Student Publications. Life Editor Ann Huskinson Wilfrid Production Manager Mike Vencel Cord Staff ion, enhance your Laurier experience. The University community a variety of Production Assistants Tina Tarn offers oppor- Kathy Cawsey tunities. Check out human resources at 202 Regina. Classified Coordinator Vacant There are two major student companies that offer both volunteer and paid Copy Editors Vacant opportunities in addition to practical experience. Wilfrid Student International Coordinator Vacant Laurier University Publications (WLUSP) is a student owned and operated Student Publications Staff publishing company and Wilfrid Laurier University (WLUSU) Photo Manager Marion Hensel Students' Union is an organization designed to Photo Technican Steve Williams Letter To the Editor enhance student culture and lifestyle on campus. Art Director Jeremy Kerr WLUSU, from September 2 to 16 will choose a number Systems Administrator John Malkovich of first year students to participate in a variety of posi- World Wide Web Editor Andrew White tions. Stop by the main office and visit with our recep- Advertising Manager Robert Norris tionist Christine. Ad Sales Representee Vacant Dear Editor, Getting involved and participating can be as easy as Ad Production Manager Dannielle Chartrand going to see the Hawks play. Take sometime and see a Ad Production Assistant Vacant I write this letter to consider the issue of "getting basketball game, football game, whatever. Being a fan is Atheletic Advertising Manager Pete Robinson involved" at Laurier. As soon as you arrive on campus as much as an important aspect of participating in the everyone from your ice-breaker to your roommate, to Laurier experience as holding a title or a position. Administration your mom, to your goldfish, bugs you to become a mem- Building a resume the length ofthe phonebook is one President Laurie Legault ber or affiliated with 'something.' This 'something' is thing. Enjoying Laurier and becoming immersed in the VP of Finance Kevin MacDonald what I refer to as the complete university experience. atmosphere is another. Sometimes the two get confused VP of Operations David Janzen You have paid the cost of admission in the form of tuition and leads to a state of constant, unpleasant, multi-task- Public Relation Manager Vacant dollars, now we want to entice you to snag some of the ing. You have heard of 'used' cars, consider the term Roard oPDirectors Shayne Lidkea extras that are available. 'used' people. Enjoy the year. Enjoy the experience. Beth Costelec Jen Clarke The level of involvement is your business. It is your Enjoy the school. Christine Gergich Ryan Lock choice. Participating in activities, clubs, sports that are Joel Lynn Domenico Magisano beyond a traditional academic setting does, in my opin- WLU Students' Union President The Cord will not print anything that is racist, sexist, or homophobic in nature, as deemed by the staff as a voting body. The Cord will not print anything in violation of its Code of Ethics, outlined in The Cord Constitution. Cora f= =1 subscription rates are $20.00 per term for addresses within Canada. The Cord is printed by CanWeb Printing. The Cord is a member of Canadian University Press. All commentary is strictly the opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect those of the Cord staff, the editorial board, or WLU Publications. Sound among the Cord dustbunnies... Contributors: Brent Reynolds, Gorilla, Peter Gabriel, Sean Moore, Gino's Pizza, Lynne Pauli, Tetley Ice-tea freezies, Dave "the amazing" Kerth, Una Jriday, October 30,1964 Tam, John Sculley, Douglas Coupland, David Duchovny, Cathy Hagen and her son Jim, Katie Palmer, Stephanie Price, Matthew Beamer, Jimmy Baxter, Colleen Nicholson, Scott Stinson, Ttirret noise, WLU security, Nim Rod, David "smartass" Quinn, Pete Robinson, Rob Glover, Chris Ross, the cat in wctilm- the hat, Bill Sarah MacLachlan.Trainspotting Soundtrack, Dii lii Horton, Bazinet, igliatllolKWC Willison Hall, Jason Menard. This paper will self destruct in ten seconds. family style dinner wiR be held in the dining hall every The dinner is limited to meal card holders only, members Wednesday evening between the hours of5:45p.m. and ofthefaculty and adminisoxuion wiR be present and after din- Letters Policy -7.0p.m, beguviingJ\fovernber4. ner music wiRbe provided •All letters must be signed and submitted with the author's name, Students Council encourages aR diners to diess well - men students wiR be served at the same time and meal cards student MentSfca&on number and telephone number in dress shirt, tieand jacket,and women in a dress or skirtand wiR be punched at aR three entrances to the dining haR Mrs •All letters will be printed with the author's name. Letters can be Iwds. Main, theJiead 'Resident ofthe Women's Residence wiR serve printed without the author's nme only by permission of the Edflpr- It is hoped the dinnerwiR stimulate the social graces which as hostess. Meal cards wiR be honored in the torqueroom for in-Chief. come withfonnal dining and wiR add variety to the weekly those who,for some legitimate reason such as athletics cannot •Lettersmustbe received by Tltesday at noon for publication in that routine of the dining hall and will enhance relationships attend the supper because ofthe Ibnited hours. week's issue in print, on disk, or via e-mail to: ainong students,faaihy andadrninisti-ation 'Please beprompt and have yourmeal card available.

* 22eord%nachl,wiu.ca - •Letters that are submitted on disk or via e-mail must be accompa- nied by a signed hard copy. •Letters must be typed, double spaced, and cannot exceed 500 words. ￿The Cord reserves the right to edit any letter Spelling and gram- mar willnot be corrected. ￿Hie Cord reserves tiie right toreject any letter in whole or in part, thatis in violation of existing Cord policies.

10 September 5,1996 theCord STUDENT LIFE My Enchanted Isle

Along the Atlantic shore, moun- are still told by older generations. tains can be seen in the distance Just offshore lie the Aran Islands, and the sea stretches out for miles. famous for their woolen sweaters. The best part of County Galway, The old way of life has been pre- however, is the western portion served on the islands, which have called Connemara. This may possi- remained fairly isolated from civi- bly be the most heavily touristed lization. Gaelic is the first language section of the west, and it is no spoken here, and although the secret why. islanders are fluent in English for With roads winding along the the benefit of tourists, they tend to base of the twelve Bens mountains, speak Gaelic when alone. ANNHUSKINSON sheep dotting the rolling hills, and Stone walls, buildings and stone walls abounding, Connemara churches, and thatched roof cot- PICTURE: can't help but capture your heart tages are the norm on the Aran and make you feel happy to be alive. Islands, and attract tourists seeking ANN HUSKINSON Unfortunately, I was stuck in the of an earlier Ireland filled with cas- The stacks of bog (peat moss) solitude. Cord Student Life city for most of my Irish experience. tles and kingdoms. drying in the sun and the use of tra- For me, the epitomy of all that is As I sit here along the sandy Dublin truly is a great, happening The Irish are proud of their cul- ditional farming methods help the Irish, all that is sacred, magical, and shore of Elizabeth Bay on place, but it can be a lonely city ture and heritage. And nowhere is Irish heritage stay intact on the west beautiful, rests in County Galway. Manitoulin Island, it is hard to when you have a negative cash flow. this more apparent than along the coast. It's kind of ironic - all the while I believe I was exploring the emerald To me, the heart of Ireland rests west coast, especially in Galway. Famine houses are to be found was in Ireland, I longed for my shores ofIreland six weeks ago. not within the city walls, but in the Galway city, which is really more in southern Connemara, also hinting homeland. And now that I am Although my overseas experi- country. You can sense the magic of a village, lies along the coast of at an earlier time. It is believed that home, I long for Ireland. And no ence wasn't quite as fun and care- and history in cities such as Dublin, the Atlantic Ocean. It is a magical families left these houses in search part so much as the green hills of free as I imagined, I am becoming but it is not until you venture forth city full offriendly faces, cobblestone of food, during the Great Potato Connemara. less bitter about my voyage. into the majestic countryside that streets and alleyways, and of course Famine of the 1840's, never to I will miss my land of emeralds, Forget the crappy wages and you realize why everyone falls in a bubbly nightlife filled with music return. The Irish consider these of fairies, banshees and lep- hungry nights; the Ireland I choose love with this glorious island. and drink. stone homes sacred and have left rechauns; of pots of gold and magic to remember is filled with happy To truly experience Ireland in all As you walk out of the village them exactly as they were over a tales, ofbright green shamrocks and

memories - breathtaking land- its splendour, one must go where centre towards the sea, you can't century ago. golden shores; of mountains, hills, scapes, ruinous castles, and of the grass is green and the hills roll help but notice the dozens of swans Connemara is also a land sheep and goats; of everything that course, the friendliest people on down to the sea; where the gloomy which come to feed in of Galway thought to be inhabited by fairies has and ever will make Ireland the Earth. skies overhead summon up images Bay harbour. and leprechauns, and great tales enchanting place that it is. First day: farewell to the Folks

STEPHANIE PRICE Amid the blaring of horns, your you register and get your room key, about to share a Cord Student Life observant brother spots a rusting K- you're feeling a little better about room with for Waving to the horde of relatives Car piled high with clothes and the whole university experience. eight months is congregated on your front porch, blankets, and sporting a Golden After all, university can't be all that not someone you try to stuff the last box of Hawks sticker. "Follow that car!" bad if they're willing to give you all who is into clothes into the already overpacked he screams. this free stuff. And look, there's a death metal car. There would have been more As you round the bend onto mother overthere taking pictures of and tattoos. room, of course, if your whole fami- University, you see several weirdly the athletic complex. You eye your Luckily, your ly hadn't decided to turn your first dressed people screaming at the top mom speculatively and steer her prayers are day at university into a family bond- of their lungs and holding away from A.C., hoping that she'll answered ing experience. Your mother has "Welcome Frosh" signs. Your forget she brought her camera. and a rela- even brought her camera, which is mother starts waving madly and Once your dad parks in front of tively nor- never a good sign. pointing to you. Luckily, the car in your residence, a swarm of people mal look- Once on your way, you listen to front of you has sped up and she descend to carry your luggage. You ing person your brothers argue about football doesn't have time to roll down her leave your puzzled looking family smiles pFILE scores and watch familiar scenery window and talk to the nice people. and go with some girl to meet your shyly at you. fade into the unfamiliar. In the front A very attractive guy is directing don. You're not quite sure what a Your family and several people EICTUR seat, your dad drones on about the traffic in front of the university. don is, but you're hoping that you you've never met before in your life er. merits of out of town universities, as Unfortunately, you couldn't hear his didn't just pay $10,000 to become now tumble into your room. Your Suddenly, it's time for your if to convince himself. name above the classical music part ofthe Waterloo mafia. luggage is set down and the family to leave. You and your new Finally you reach Waterloo and your dad has cranked, and the Your don, who turns out to be strangers leave to search out the room-mate walk your family down see the University Avenue exit. But sound of your brothers arguing the person in charge of your floor in next frosh. to the car. As you wave to your wait - there's two University exits. about who is smarter. residence, then takes you to your Your mother starts chatting it up mother, who is still taking pictures Your dad nearly causes a twenty You head in the direction the new r00m... and room-mate. As with your new roomate, and your through the car windows, you think car pileup, as he slows to lOkm/h to cutie pointed you and are soon in your don opens the door, you say a brother, trying to look knowledge- to yourself: University life has ponder this new development. front of the Athletic Complex. Once quick prayer that the person you're able, starts setting up your comput- begun. Student Budget Menu 3 large ripe bananas Mash bananas. Add sugar 3/4 cup white sugar and slightly beaten egg. Add 1 egg the melted butter. Mix, Add Banana 1 tsp. baking soda the dry Ingredients, mix until 1 tsp. baking powder moist Spoon into 12 greased 1/2 tsp. salt muffin tins. Bake at 3/5 F for 11/2all purpose 20 minutes. 1/3 cup melted butter or mar- Muffins garine Note: Add 1/2 cup of chopped LYNN PAULI pecans if desired. Cord Student Life Nanas..mmm...

theCord September 5,1996 11 (Student life)— Looking Back...

to stop me from spreading my wings I can't wait for Laurier day so you are likely to run into a familiar, and flying. that I can dress up in my W.L.U. smilingface. For me, it epitomized the oppor- gear and show prospective students Even though the screams of tunity of a lifetime - the chance to around campus. And I wear my frosh week have kept me awake at make a fresh start, meet new peo- purple and gold colours proudly night, it makes me happy knowing ple, study subjects I was actually wherever I go. everyone is having as much fun as I interested in, and to finally live in a The two things I love most about had during my first week at Laurier. city! Laurier are the immense school Keep Laurier strong. Be happy; The first day I arrived on cam- spirit and the friendly faces. No most of all, flaunt those purple and pus, 1 thought: "Who the heck are matter where you go on campus, gold colours everywhere you go. these screaming fools?", a.k.a. ice- breakers. They honestly frightened me and I tried my best to steer clear PICTURE of them. However, by the end of 0- A FILE week, I found myself screaming and J. Z ' BILLIARDS IMC. singing louder than anyone. ANN HUSKINSON Mends behind - even as my mother Since that first week I've lost all Cord Student Life hugged me and wiped the tears of my prior shyness and am the 321 Weber St. N., Waterloo (Lower Level) As this year's frosh bring new life from her eyes. biggest Laurier supporter around. to campus, I can't help but remi- I was starting a new life, enter- I'm one of those crazy people Free Parking at Rear • Open 7 Days a Week nisce about my frosh year. ing into the unfamiliar. I was 500 painted purple and yellow scream- Now Licensed 1 can't say that I was all that sad km from that hole in the earth they ing "Go Hawks Go" at the football leaving my home, family and call Levack, and nothing was going games. 725-1589 The goal to

. Y Meet someone ...... special or just be debt- |p " 1-011-1LIVE

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" r «* 19% PhoneTcch658-2588Corp. does not screen callers and assumes no liability when meeting through this service. Adults Only 18+ Convocation < ' - 658-2588 is a free local call. Outside the local calling area longdistance charges may apply. [™ Waterloo Town Square j the 747-0455 MELANIE SEAL lecture you. It is not a book which Cord Student Life will make you feel guilty about want- NfcAi Location Only As if you haven't read enough ing to have a social life or spending I books already, I'm going to suggest money on that Reading Week vaca- another to add to your workload. tion. Unlike many of the books whose Baker is aware that your years at value you may question as you line university are not locked away in the up to hand out your hard earned library. He knows that you will want summer dollars, this one is worth its to spend, spend, spend. price. Taking out a huge student loan is Murray Baker's The Debt-Free not Baker's solution. Think about it. with an issue which That thousand dollars ! Graduate deals seven a year YOUR NEXT STEP hangs like all of taking out will add to MAKE a noose over our you are up heads: finances. No one likes twenty-one or twenty eight thousand thoughts of money consuming their dollars of debt that you have to start ! daily activities when they are sup- paying off immediately after gradua- THE RIGHT STEP posed to be at university to have fun, tion. right? Baker's book gives you advice on As you're chugging down that how to snag that part-time job, and ! beer like water and throwing cash receive scholarships and bursaries. CASUAL away on morning coffees and And if you do need to take that loan. SAVE OEO\L ncc doughnuts, you are consequently Baker gives suggestions as to how I watching your bank balance sink one can pay off the "student loan UP TO £0/o Urr FOOTWEAR like the Titanic. Remember that, shark" after graduation. I although your primary goal for com- If you've tried to wade your way Including such brand names as Prospector, Birkenstock, ing to Laurier may be to get that use- through other student guide books, I less piece of paper (which I often you know that they're either unreal- Caterpillar, & believe becomes a secondary goal), it istic, based on an American econo- I Geronimo, Wolverine, Bos Co., and Kodiak is also important to accumulate little my, or just plain boring. Who wants to no debt. to read a book that tells you to stay Baker, although he is unfortunate home and do homework to save ! enough to work at Western, knows money? Bring (his what he is talking about. Having Baker mixes feasible alternatives ad anil Get An Em seen thousands of students sink or to high cost spending with humour. swim, he is fully aware that these His guidance concerning loans, j off Regular may probably be (up until now,) the investment opportunities, and jobs is 10% or Sale Price most expensive years ofyour life. helpful in making ends meet in a Not valid with any other offer, The Debt-Free Graduate does not typical student's lifestyle. jj

12 September 5, 1996 theCord j ASU> ISa ID' w u L KNAPSACK * I I h wewbms Our Report Card /sai« ■

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BRENT REYNOLDS way since then. I was scared shit­ with getting the most that you can senior students who are there to your first-week apprehension and CORD FEATURES less on my first day at Laurier. out of your frosh week. So here we help you out. Even if you don't have giggle. Ok~ys. now that you have Actually, I was pretty much tenified go, a few quick words of advice (or a question, they are great people to September is a very exciting t tad a couple of days to get "settled" for my entire first week, except for ramblings, ifyou will): get to know anyway. month with lots of stuff to see and _ lW was your first week at Laurier? the times when my emotions were Get to know your icebreakers: Hang with your Door: You can do. So get in there Frosh and_make I can still remember like it was dulled by alcohol. University was a These weird and wacky kids are a only do this if you have a floor to the most of your opportunity. J ~sterday that first drive to Waterloo whole new world compared to high wonderful resource and are eager hang with, so this one's for you guys I can honestly say from my own with my parents on Labour Day school and to me it seemed I had so to do as much as they can for you in residence. You are going to meet experience that you couldn't have morning. With butterflies in my many questions and was so disori­ during frosh wee.k. They have been a helluva lot of people during frosh picked a better family to belong to, &tomach, but still trying to maintain ented that I would never adapt to through it all before, and they are week, but it is very important to get so do what you can to make yourself a cool appearance, we pulled the my new surroundings. great people, so get to know them to know your floor above all else. feel like part of that family. red mini-van into the parking lot in Luckily for me, I had an older and ask them questions. Heck, half You are going to be living together And hey, welcome to the club! front of little House. My dad didn't sister who went to Laurier and of you will be going out with your for the next eight months, so take even get a chance to throw it into could answer a lot of my questions. icebreaker once frosh week is over, the time to hang out with your floor park before we were swarmed by a For all of you who don't, I have so you might as well get to know and bond as a group during frosh gang of cute, excited girls wearing assembled a few words of advice. them now. week. brightly-coloured shirts and cheer­ Take them with a grain of salt, but Look for people in the Get ''involved": Bet you haven't ing at the top of their lungs. I tried remember that the best thing you "coloured" shirts: Talk to everyone heard that one before, huh? When I my best to make a good first can do these first few weeks is ask wearing a coloured shirt; this say get involved, I am not just talk­ unpression, but it is awfully hard to questions!! Ask lots and lots of doesn't include the flag-holder ing about signing up for every club look cool in front of your parents. questions!! There is no such thing working on the Killg St. highway and committee under the freakin' Sc instead, I mumbled something as a stupid frosh week question, and improvements, though he some- sun. I am talking about making an Jike, "I can carry it myself" and there are so many people around 1imes has some interesting things to effort to make Laurier your home. quickly rushed into my new home, with answers. This is going to be say. Besides your icebreakers, your You know, hangin' out at the cam­ leaving my mother to schmooze your new home for the next three or frosh "resources" include BAC­ pus pubs, meeting people, and tak­ with the icebreakers. four years (or five, or six, or seven, CHUS, Foot Patrol. ERT. Students' ing part in activities that you enjoy. The point is that (like most etc .. ), so it is important that you feel Union, Student Publications, and Get involved in Laurier and it won't '>enior students). I have come a long comfortable here. And that begins your residence Dons. They are all take long for you to look back upon

r------~--~------,

tiM{. L------~------~------~ Lessons in Life all happiness. Negativity breeds con­ nity. Pick activities that interest you and tempt while a positive attitude yields will help you grow as a person. many gains. life at Laurier, especially like I said, life is what you make it. for the incoming first years, should be You can build and build and build - if regarded as a fresh mold. It's a chance you want to. Take an active stance in to reshaPf;l yourself and build upon your your own personal growth. grand ideas. Don't be afraid to grow or change. Balance is key at univeristy. As BAC­ Laurier is so friendly and we truly are a CHUS has tried to express, set a limit. close-knit community which supports limits encompass not only alochollim­ one another. Go with your gut and don't its but social and academic limits. To be afraid to explore. know when to stop studying - or maybe At this moment I can hear hundreds ANN-MARIE SMIDI even when to start! of first years and their student leaders CORD FEATURES , Respect your own wishes and your screaming like Banshees outside my I will not pretend that I contain all own personal authority. You are your window. the secrets to a happy and fufilled life own person. After this week you are no Orientation week is just the begin­ but I would like to mention that life at longer Red, Gold, Green or Blue. You ning, Perhaps you won't continue to Laurier, or life in general is what you are an individual and have your own run around screaming, but the energy make it. You have ultimate control over mind and ideas: take those ideas and and enthusiasm doesn't have to wane. Learn to listen to those around you ... you may find more your destination. manipulate them for a positive use. However - th~ positive energy is up wisdom in their words than you first thought. I believe that attitude is the leader of Get involved in the Laurier commu- to you.

14 Septemher5.1996 theCord STUDENT CODE OF CONDUCT AND DISCIPLINE Introduction and statement on discipline and conduct in non academic areas approved by the Board of Governors on January 30, 1996. Statement on academic and research misconduct approved by Senate on November 16, 1995.

General

Members of the Laurier community enjoy the freedom to pursue their intellectual and personal interests without interfer- ence, provided that their actions do not limit the rights of other members of the University or the community in which it is situated. The objects of the University are the pursuit of learning through scholarship, teaching, and research within a spirit of free enquiry and expression. The University recognizes academic freedom and the right to peaceful protest, acknowledging that the common good of society depends upon the search for knowledge, and its free expression. To this end, Wilfrid Laurier University requires that students conduct themselves in accordance with the laws of the Country, Province, Region, and Municipality as well as the policies of the University. Academic dishonesty, fraud, wilful miscon- duct and failure to respect the rights of others are all offences under this Code.

In the case of allegations of either academic or non-academic offences, the President has delegated to the Deans and to the Vice-Presidents of the University the authority to impose interim or permanent discipline. The Deans and Vice Presidents will establish committees to hear such allegations, unless the situation requires immediateresponse. These committees will have appropriate student representation. Nevertheless, any student has the right to be heard by a Dean or Vice-President alone.

If the impugned conduct is, in the recommendation of the Dean or Vice-President, deserving of suspension or expulsion, the President shall make the decision. Disciplinary decisions of the Deans (including those of the Dean's Advisory Council) and the Vice-Presidents may be appealed to the President, whose decision shall be final. Decisions of the President to sus- pend a student for more than a semester, or to expel a student, may be appealed to the Executive and Governance Committee of the Board of Governors, whose decision shall be final.

Students should refer to Disciplinary Procedures available from Deans' offices and the University Secretariat.

SPECIAL ADVERTISEMENT SECTION 1 ACADEMIC AND RESEARCH MISCONDUCT

Academic misconduct is an act by a student, or by students working on a team project, which may result in a false evalu- ation of the student(s), or which represents a deliberate attempt to unfairly gain an academic advantage. Academic mis- conduct includes, but is not limited to, the following acts which are presented as examples or a guide since not every pos- sible circumstance can be anticipated:

i) plagiarism, which is the unacknowledged presentation, in whole or in part, of the work of others as one's own, whether in written, oral or other form, in an examination, report, assignment, thesis or dissertation

ii)cheating, which involves the using, giving, receiving, or the attempt to use, give or receive unauthorized information during an examination in oral, written or other form; or, copying an essay, examination or report, or allowing someone else to copy one's essay, examination or report

iii) submitting the same piece of work, or a significant part thereof, for more than one course without the permission of the instructors involved in each course; or, submitting an essay or other work which has been submitted elsewhere, previously or at the same time, without the written permission of all academic units or institutions involved in the submissions

iv) impersonating another person in an examination or test

v) buying or otherwise obtaining term papers or assignments for submission of another person's work as one's own for evaluation

vi) falsifying, misrepresenting or forging an academic record or supporting document

Research Misconduct includes, but is not limited to, the following types of behaviour: i) the failure to recognize by due acknowledgement the substantive contributions of others, or the use of unpublished work of other researchers without permission, or the use of archival material in violation of the rules of the archival source; ii) the fabrication or falsification of research data material, or making a purported statement of fact or reference to a source which has been concocted; iii) the wilful violation of Senate policies, or material failure to comply with Senate policies, as they apply to research ethics, or to the use of computers, human subjects or animals.

Notes: 1. Research misconduct does not include those factors intrinsic to the process of academic research, such as honest error, conflicting data, adherence to scholarly or research advice given by faculty, or a difference in interpretation or judgement of data or of experimental design.

2. Students who are uncertain whether a course of action might constitute academic or research misconduct should consult, in advance, the instructors or supervisors who might be involved, or their Faculty Dean.

SPECIAL ADVERTISEMENT SECTION 2 Sanctions

Sanctions are levied by the University and their severity is determined in relation to the degree of academic or research dis- honesty committed or attempted, to the intention to commit dishonest acts, or to the degree to which an individual has been a party to attempted or committed acts of dishonesty. Penalties may include, but are not limited to, the following:

• a requirement to repeat the assignment, examination or course • failure on the assignment, course, examination, thesis or dissertation • suspension from the program or from the University for a designated period of time • expulsion from the program or from the University • cancellation or revocation of the degree or diploma, where the offence pertains to the eligibility to receive such a degree or diploma, whether discovered before or after the degree or diploma is awarded • inclusion of a statement in the student's transcript pertaining to the suspension or expulsion or to the cancellation or revocation of the degree

Complete procedures for investigating allegations of academic or research misconduct are available in Deans' offices and the Office of the Registrar.

DISCIPLINE AND CONDUCT IN NONACADEMIC AREAS

By enrolling in Wilfrid Laurier University, the student accepts its policies and regulations and acknowledges the right of the University to take disciplinary action. Such disciplinary action shall be reasonable and commensurate with the seri- ousness of the violations and in accordance with the principles of this Code and natural justice. The University reserves the right to discipline the student (including but not limited to, termination of its relationships with the student) on an interim (emergency) or permanent basis for conduct which is detrimental to the objects of the University.

Wilfrid Laurier University is properly not concerned with the way students conduct their personal lives, provided their actions do not infringe the rights of others within the University community or the general community comprised of its city neighbours and neighbouring institutions. The University is properly concerned with the behaviour of members of the Laurier community (such as representative teams or delegations) at events off campus either sanctioned by the University or associated with the University. Further, this Code specifically prohibits participation in disturbances such as unlawful street parties which infringe the rights of the University's neighbours, and adversely affect its relations with the community in which it is situated.

In proper cases the University may bring disciplinary action against a student notwithstanding and in addition to crimi- nal prosecution or civil action. However, subject to any disciplinary decision and as far as circumstances allow, a student who has been charged or convicted of a criminal offence shall be allowed to pursue his or her studies.

Behaviour of guests on campus and at University events is the responsibility of the students who have invited them.

The offences in items 1-9 below will normally be channelled to the Dean's Advisory Council, which (under the authority of the Dean of Students) may impose penalties for improper conduct. However, in addition to the penalty which may be imposed by the Dean's Advisory Council, further or additional interim or permanent discipline may be imposed by the University, including, but not limited to, the withholding of grades and transcripts, suspension or expulsion from the University, requiring the payment of damages, or such other penalty as the University deems appropriate.

SPECIAL ADVERTISEMENT SECTION 3 Although all possible acts of misconduct cannot be identified and the following list is not exhaustive, a student may be disciplined by the University for the following offences:

1.) Unlawful use of alcoholic beverages. Students are required to adhere to the provincial laws and the policies of the University governing the possession and/or consumption of alcoholic beverages.

2) Violence or abusive conduct of any nature, including but not limited to: a) physically abusing another person, threatening or causing any other person to fear physical abuse. b) creating a condition which endangers or threatens the health, safety or well being of others. c) assaulting another person sexually or threatening any other person with sexual assault.

3) Violations of the Ontario Human Rights Code, discrimination or harassment of any kind, including, but not limited to, sexual harassment, harassment based on race, religion, colour, gender, age, disability, ethnicity, national origin or sexual orientation.

4) Obstruction or disruption of University activities or services. University activities and services include but are not limited to teaching, research, administration, studying, student events, meetings and public services.

5) Theft, illegal possession, damage and destruction of property, including but not limited to: a) knowingly taking, destroying, or damaging premises of the University, or any property not the persons own. b) defacing the inside or outside of any building or property of the University. c) possession of property appropriated without authorization or possession of property that is not the persons own.

6) Trafficking of drugs. Although the use of drugs is not condoned by the University, students wishing assistance because of drug use or for any other reason may consult with Counselling Services in absolute confidentiality.

7) Tampering with fire equipment.

8) Stealing of any sort.

9) Storage, possession, or discharge of firearms or explosives, except where allowed by University regulation.

Procedural rules for discipline committees in cases of non-academic misconduct by students and procedural rules for an appeal are available from the University Secretariat.

SPECIAL ADVERTISEMENT SECTION 4 —(Feature) Life's Little rIA/w\/nmli*lwAvUIIf Instructions Bsll (for Senior Students) i SE£J ANN-MARIE SMITH AND ROBIN WHITTAKER KATIE PALMER p

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theCord September5,1996 19 SPORTS Hawks set to begin their bluest for Vanier Cup GREG CHOWNYK Craig Mellow and Rob Allan all Cord Sports return to solidify this group. At the Head coach Rick Zmich and the rest fourth linebacker spot will probably of his coaching staff must be pretty be Bill Morrison who transferred excited about the Golden Hawks from the University of Buffalo, upcoming season. With virtually all although second year returnee the starters on offense returning Jason Warren may also see some and most of the defense doing the time at this position. With some same, the outlook on this year's sea- quality backups at both linebacker son looks positive. So positive that it at defensive line, the Hawks should isrealistic to believe that the Hawks' be able to hold the charge of the season will not end with another opposition's offense. Yates Cup loss, but instead an The secondary lost two all stars appearance at the Vanier Cup in in Chris Redguard and Wade November. Serjeantson to graduation. The Hawks are coming off a However another all star in safety 1995 year that saw them finish the Robbie Symons, along with veterans regular season undefeated and Kenji Kono at conerback and safety ranked number one in the country. Rob Underhill all return to bolster However, Purple Satan, also known this unit. Jason Burke will start the The Hawks hope thier headbutting in practice will pay off this Saturday when they take on Western. as Western, struck once again and season at rover with the other the team's Vanier Cup dreams were conerback spot occupied by both put on hold. fortable this year. His arm strength replacing the departed Andrew Rakowsky. Adam Warmuth who JeffJohnson and A 1 Ruby. But when Laurier opens the sea- and athleticism are his attributes as Scharschmidt. came to Laurier with much hype The special teams squad will son at Western this Saturday, they he looks to guide the Laurier The running game will be lead last season will return, however will once again be led by punt returner are hoping for a differentresult. The offense. by Andy Bacon and Anthony be designated to a back uprole. Corey Grant who led the country in Hawks will be looking for a repeat McDonald's "go to guy" will no Ahmed, both whom have had solid Last season, it was a bit of a sur- punt return yardage. The kicking performance from last year when doubt once again be slotback Zach training camps. J.P. Small has come prise as to how good the Hawks duties right now belong to second they made the trip down the 401 to Treanor. He was a first team OUAA over from his receiver spot which were on the defensive bide of the year man Scott O'Hara, but he will London. All-Star last season and will look this will give the team some versatility ball. It was these guys who kept the be in tough to hold on to them as There really isn't much of a year to improve upon his last year's out of the back field. team in many games, especially veteran Tim O'Leary will be looking secret as to who the teams leaders standing as the number two receiv- The fullback position is full oftal- early on in the season when the over his shoulder. The punting will be on offense this year. er in the league. Along with ent with both Chad Kennedy and offense struggled. This year, with a duties will once again be handled by Quarterback Kevin McDonald Treanor at slotback will be Chris Mike Kahnert returning. Kahnert good number of guys returning, the Jarret Luke. returns for his second year as Smits, who returns after sitting out was out all oflast season with a bout defense should once again be Overall things look promising. A starter and his fifth at Laurier. all of last year due to an injury of mono, so his permanent return to strong. veteran offense should lead to lots of McDonald had a solid season last obtained in training camp last year. the line up may be gradual. Rookie The defensive line is lead by points on the score board and year and his play helped erase the The team hopes he can build upon Andrew Novak has looked good at defensive ends Dave Squiqnia and another superb performance by the memories of his predecessor Bill his 1994 performance where he camp at this position. Jason Jacyno. Along with first time defense will lead to just the opposite Kubas. was the team s Rookie ofthe Year. Six players who have started in starter at noseguard, Nelson for the rest of league. All of this Zmich believes that McDonald At wide receiver, Brian McQure the past return to make the offen- DaCosta, these guys will have to put seems to be the tools necessary for has the ability to become one the returns and will be asked to take on sive line really strong. Dyson Smith pressure on the opposition's back- the Golden Hawks to enjoy another league's premier quarterbacks and a bigger role this season. Last year's centres the line with guards Paul field if they wish to duplicate the successful season. Hopefully it will with one season of starting under OUAA Rookie of the Year, Corey Dietrich and Maurizio Calaconi and success oflast season. be a season that culminates in his belt, he should feel more com- Grant, will start on the other side, tackles Phil White and Jeremy At linebacker, Jason Gundy, November at the Skydome. Women's soccer ready to defend

year and this summer saw mance. "There is not too season. Saturday's game defi- GREG CHOWNYK some time with the under-20 much pressure," Stoumbos nitely will give Laurier an Cord Sports national team. Up front, says. "It's a different team." idea as to how they measure When the women's soccer returning veteran Karen As for the rest of league, up against a team that usual- team opens their new season Conboy will be depended on the first few weeks of the sea- ly finishes near the top of this Saturday at McMaster, to spark the Hawk offensive son are sure to show exactly standings. The following day they will do so with a very dif- attack. which are the teams to beat. the team returns home to ferent look from a year ago. Those three and the other Both Stoumbos and her assis- face Windsor. Gone from last year's returning players combined tant Melinda Krauss believe If their is one advantage national championship squad at this point for the Hawks it are four starters, including "There is not too much could be that they do play CIAU Player of the Year Gigi three out of the first four Ggini as well as head coach pressure," says Stoumbos. games at home on the turf at Barry MacLean. The reins University Stadium. have now been turned over to "Ifs a different team." With no injuries to report Helen Stoumbos, who was an at this point, the team assistant under MacLean last appears ready to go. When season. This will be with what the coach refers to that the league is pretty even. asked on her thoughts on the Stoumbos' first head coach- as a good crop of rookies, "There are no real weak season, Stoumbos replied ing job. should give the Hawks a solid teams. It is all pretty even." with, "I hate to be too pes- CHOWNYK looks though the squad as they begin their said Stoumbos. simistic or optimistic, but we It as GREG leaders of this edition of the quest to defend their national Traditionally, teams like will do our best." Hawks will be team captains title. Western and McMaster are However at this point it Lorraine Hodds and Celeste Stoumbos feels as though usually strong. In fact, it was remains to be seen if their PICTURE: Burkitt. Midfielder Hodds there isn't too much pressure the Marauders who were the best will be enough for them was a second team All- on her or the team to produce only squad to defeat the to duplicate their success of a shown for at McMaster. The Hawks practicing the opener Canadian as a rookie last considering last year's perfor- Hawks in last year's regular year ago.

20 September 5,1996 theCerd -(Sports) OUAA Football Preview

GREG CHOWNYK of QB Mike Kennedy and RB Ryan they hope to have any success. FB CFL and combined with the losses of upon their 2-6 record of a year ago. Cord Sports Hudecki. It looks as though it may Mike Mallot is gone and the running QB Warren Goldie and his receiving The success of the offense with Here is a quick look as to how be a long year in Hamilton. game will depend on the play of core, it will definitely make for an depend on their ability to run the the rest of the OUAA looks to be Toronto Varsity Blues Jarrett Smith. The team is also interesting year on offense for the bail. This puts the pressure on TB shaping up for the upcoming sea- The Varsity Blues are another hurting on the offensive line where Mustangs. Coach Larry Haylor's son Chris Moore and the offensive line. son. team that was hit hard by gradua- some players decided not to return. Jordan will replace Goldie at quar- York Yeomen Guelph Gryphons tion. All stars Mario Sturino at QB The Warriors do probably have the terback. He saw quite a bit of action Head coach Tom Arnott looks to This team had a dismal 1995 and Francis Ettiene at WR have best defense in the league anchored last season when Goldie got injured, improve upon his team's .500 season finishing at the bottom of the both moved on and will be hard for by LB Jason Van Geel. With one but it remains to be seen what hell record last year after those horrid league with only one win. Head head coach Bob Laycoe to replace. more victory, head coach Tuffy do as a full time starter. On the years ofnever winning a game. The coach Dan McNally is looking for his The defense also lost some quality Knight will break the CIAU's mark other side of the ball, the Mustangs team will no doubt be led by stand- squad to bounce back this year and players, but still have quality veter- for all-time victories. The next win appear to be strong and it is the out WR Andre Batson who is one there is reason to believe they just ans returning like LB Barry will give him his 138th of all time. defense that will have to carry them the league's best at both wide might. The defense will be led by LB McCamus. At this point, the Blues Western Mustangs until the offense can get their game receiver and kick returner. The Kevin Mellow and the offense looks don't as strong as in years past, but This is a team that virtually lost in order. Yeoman have definitely rejuvenated to be improved with the return of if they can get things rolling look for all of its starters on offense at the Windsor Lancers their program and are a team that two QB's in Wally Gabler Jr. and them to surprise a few teams in the skill positions. Running back Sean It looks as though the Lancers should be in the playoff hunt Nathan Body. second half of the season. Reade has taken his game to the will be hard pressed to improve throughout the year. McMaster Marauders Waterloo Warriors This team could be possibly the The boys down the street are youngest in the league after losing a hoping to find themselves around great deal ofveterans. Head coach come November when the Churchill A 1 Bruno will have to be patient with Bowl is played at University Benchmark PC Supply his squad throughout the season. Stadium. However, they too will J?/ I Graduation has brought on the loss have to get their offense rolling if I Mobotics maxEll The Intelligent Choice in Information Access Baseball 00 3.5" HD Formatted 36 Pak.... , 00 25 Sportster2B.B/33.6 Internal 185

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JIM DONNELLY pitched for Toronto last year. Cord Sports Jeff Hofstetter, a former Guelph Baseball has arrived at Laurier. Intercounty catcher who has played For the first time in recorded history, for U.S. Colleges the past two years, Laurier students will now have a is also considered a marquee player baseball club to cheer on along with for Laurier. Build Your Financial Future Part—Time the other varsity and club sports the "We've got a solid team, with a school has to offer. lot of good ballplayers," says coach and Retire in 2 to 5 Years The newest member of Western Neil Jetty. "The team to beat this Ontario Conference of the four year- year will definitely be Brock, but I — or old CIBA (Canadian Intercollegiate have a feeling that we'll be capable Baseball Association), Laurier's divi- ofsurprising them." sion rivals will be Brock, Guelph, The team's schedule will stretch Build Someone Else's and Retire at 65 McMaster, and the University of a total of 4 exhibition and 16regular Waterloo. The league consists of season games, from the 11th of three conferences: Ontario (East and September to October 6. Following Successful Business with Proven Method for Creating West), Quebec, and the Maritimes. the regular season the divisional Despite this being their inaugural playoffs take place and then a Residual Income is Looking for Leaders season, the baseball Hawks expect national championship will be held to have a solid team with a strong at SkyDome. For a 1 hour Business Briefing please contact: starting rotation. Todd Doherty, who Laurier's first home date is

- played Senior Intercounty ball with September 11 versus McMaster at 5 Kim (519) 622-2637 or - Kevin (519) 623-6552 the Kitchener Panthers last year, pm. The team will both play and tops the list of young arms for the practice out of Bechtele Parte, at the Hawks along with James Cotier who corner of University and Bridge.

TilUPSday: Blues Barnies You've seen her at the Sounds Of Summer ' now check her out at the Cipcus Rooni! Friday: Paddy Flywi & Jacob Moon SBturtay: m lor m t,ents fill#SJl HNmon's Eye co™ mZ "cZSJLsr

theCord September 5,1996 21 (Sports)— Men's soccer tune-up against Alumni

JIMMY BAXTER making a mistake. into the 6 yard box and made a In return, Laurier mounted a clear as to what the coach's goals Cord Sports As the two teams settled in, the beautiful header from a free-kick to brave counter attack, but were con- are. "I have certain expectations, Saturday's match between the speed and quality of the play started bringthe score up 2-nil. sistently denied by he Alumni full and that is to focus on the technical Men's Varsity Soccer Hawks and to pick up and the match became The second half brought with it a back line. Time and time again aspects of the game rather than the Hawks Alumni wasn't about win- very exciting to watch. By the 30 much rejuvenated Old Boys club. Laurier exploited space and suc- pure fitness element of this league. ning medals or a cup title. Rather, it minute mark Laurier went up 1-nil Within a few minutes, the Alumni cessfully brought the ball up the With many experienced veterans was about bragging rights. For the when Mike Johnstone capitalized on settled down into their Ajax style field, but were unable to do any real returning and the introduction of second year in a row, the Old Boys a poor clearance and struck a game as they started passing the damage. Mark Ignor, a very talented keeper, I (Alumni) , with a brilliant 3-2 win, cracker past the helpless Alumni ball around brilliantly. Frank Anagnostouplos, head can see us competing in the have earned the right to rub the keeper. At the twenty minute mark, Old coach of this years' Men's squad, Nationals." young lads' nose in it. It was obvious that the Alumni, Boy John Papa picked up a lose ball wasn't worried about the outcome The team appears very opti- The beginning of the first half despite being an experienced team, and forced it into the back of the net of the friendly. "I wanted to see mistic about the upcoming season. was, like most matches, marked by were showing there age. Indeed the to bring the Alumni within one. what my new guys could do against With Anagnostouplos's knowledge apprehension and tentativeness "Old Boys" were going to have a Without a doubt, the Old Boys had a very knowledgable and skillful of the game along with the skill and with most balls being brought up hard time maintaining the very regained their glory day form. team. I needed to see how they dedication of the players, there is no safely along the touchline and deliv- quick pace for a full ninety minutes. Within a thirty minute period, were able to manage the varsity question that this year just may ered early into the 18 yard box. Only a few minutes later Laurier the Alumni struck twice more with style ofpace and talent The team is mark a return to vintage Laurier Obviously, neither squad wanted to was back at it again. This time goals from Darren Thompson and coming together very well." soccer- a return to the glory of give the opposition the early goal by Jeremy Baker went unchallenged Mike Kraus to make the score 3-2. With the season set to begin, it is National Champions.

! Hey Students! I % T Canada in GOLDEN llliilJ 4 | ® -§ £ ! at | tough

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JIM DONNELLY the team has limped their way to a Cord Sports controversial win over Russia, a loss The official World War of hockey, to the States and a very lucky win after all the pre-tournament hype versus a Slovakian team that is of a Westmount and predictions, is finally in full much lower calibre than the A swing during these last lazy summer Canadians. days of the year. It's a patriotic hock- Now that they have completed ey lover's dream, of course, and now their three round-robin games, the ~ Place the average Canadian hockey fan Canadians need to take a hard look V can actually understand why rabid in the mirror and evaluate where <§> &"T «. » fans at international soccer games they're going in this tournament. i^&OC-» riot at the drop of a hat. They are a team stacked with talent The well-manned North but with everything to lose. Canada

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• 112 • U.S., the nation l Sarah's Classics 746-1822 Radio Shack 885-5910 the Slovakia and Russia, has (as ered number one hockey

• everyone the on the planet and to lose to the U.S. 1) Lindor • 746-3117 MALL MANAGEMENT OFFICE 886-6260 expected) made European division look pathetic in would be humiliating at best. • 886-5200 Zacks FINANCIAL comparison. Some hard-hitting, spir- The United States, on the other KJ • 1 Bonnie Togs 886-7800 Canada Trust • 885-8550 ited affairs between Canada and hand, is in a slightly different posi- • 1 Ray Delion Men's Wear 886-7070 Ro yal Bank • 747-8300 Russia, Canada and the U.S., and the tion. They have quietly assembled a I Lashbrooks Shoes • 886-5730 Coldwell Banker Realtor • 888-6511 U.S. and Russia have made the first-class crop of talent that belies It Shoestrings Century 21 Realtor • 884-7577 European games, on football-field the country's once scornful view of ANCHORS ice surfaces, look like tiddly-winks. hockey. They have the grit, the heart, I RESTAURANTS And, • Any serious hockey fan can tell and the talent to win. most . jri Michael's Arts & Crafts 746-8412 Restaurant • 884-0404 Musselini's you that the real battle for the tour- importantly, they have absolutely Eatons • 883-5411 • Dairy Queen 747-2424 nament crown is between the U.S. nothing to lose. H • • |i] Westmount Pharmacy 886-7670 Delightful Deli 884-4776 and Canada, with maybe Russia Of course, previous Team J| Marks Work Warehouse *884-1300 Timothy's Coffees • 888-6660 having an outside chance. To many Canadas have endured similar criti- If SPECIALTY SERVICES people's chagrin, however, Team cism and managed to pull it offin the 8 Barney's Jewellers • 747-1920 Westmount Photo • 886-5520 Canada has not emerged as the end. The 1987 version finished a dis- 1 standings only to 11 The Dollar Place • 747-3311 Wave Length • 746-8764 tournament favourite; instead the mal third in the intensity • confident Americans have proved kick that good-old Canadian a Greenbacks • 725-0293 Meissner Travel 886-7570 that, thus far in the tournament they into high gear when the playoffs • • 1 The Leather House 886-8031 Postal Outlet 886-7670 are the hungriest, grittiestteam with came around, eventually defeating • 1 Hearts & Flowers • 886-6410 Dr. Fichter Dentist 884-0887 the most desire to win. Russia to win the tournament. 1 Smithßooks • 884-5511 Farah Foods • 725-2375 This is not to say that Team However, one has to wonder how Canada isn't the most talented team. much intensity this years' boys can . « ERB ST. On paper, the Canadians should run handle, with Sather's confident, laid- Westmount Road (North at Erb) "sr—| over anyone and everyone that back, "winning doesn't come from s attempts to stand in their way; how- practice" approach to the whole ever, after two weeks of head coach thing. The answer will surely come ,l[j WATERLOO Glen Sather's golfing fantasy camp, in the next few weeks.

22 September 5, 1996 theCord LIVE IN TORONTO/RETRO NOONER THE HUMBLE & FRED SHOW i DJ CHRIS PACK & MC DANGER BOY

DEBUT SEP T EM BE R 13 tCVOLUTIOi 341 MARSLAND DRIVE WATERLOO 886-7777 1 KM. FROM BOTH WATERLOO UNIVERSITIES (Sports)— WLU Cheerleaders train in Milwaukee

tumbling and that the cheerleaders we party a lot together. There's a lot Bazinet said what is most important were all at an equal level of ability. of camaraderie..it's mainly a pride for guys is strength. Bazinet said, "It's important that all thing." Like many programs at members of the team can do a spe- Laurier's support is what means University, the cheerleading team cific move, some teams had better most to Bazinet in the coming faces cut backs in funding, "Laurier marks not because they did the months. "A good turn out for the will really miss out if cheerleading more difficult moves, but because competition is most important. You gets dropped," Bazinet said. every member of the team could see all this purple in the crowd, and Imagine a football game without the complete the maneuvers." you know that they are Western cheerleading team - it's a little like a The Hawks cheerleading team fans. The biggest thing we want is hot dog without the bun. practices seven to nine hours a involvement." The next time you go to watch a week, as well as football games. Although the cheerleading team game where the hawks kick some Bazinet said that Laurier fans is still looking for a couple of more butt, recognize that the football should expect great things from guys, the team should be complete game is not the only competition on their cheerleaders. "We have some by frosh week. The majority of the the field. awesome goals. We want to put the girls have dance experience, and BAZINET games in perspective, and develop BILL some traditions for Laurier. We want the crowd to know what the Columbia cheerleaders will do when the PICTURE: Hawks score a touchdown." The Golden Hawks show some national pride while down in Bazinet said the cheerleaders would Medicine Centre Milwaukee this summer for some training with American schools. like to develop the Laurier song. mSISEL. have new "We a brand pyramid, 9 725-2640 we have two new incredible girls 145 Columbia St., W., Unit MELANIE SEAL competition, though each day there who do great baskets. With each (Opposite Good Life Club)

* Cord Sports is an evaluation," said Bill Bazinet, touchdown, we hope to increase the * therapy covered by OHIP insurance Fourteen cheering Hawks and captain of Laurier's cheerleading level of stunting. It can be the best / KINESIOLOGISTS two coaches packed up their belong- team. year ever," Bazinet said. PHYSICIANS / PHYSIO / ATHLETIC THERAPISTS ings and headed to the home of The competition is split into The cheerleader Hawks have big Laverne and Shirley for an entirely three divisions, based on the binding goals for their competition in the different type of camp. They the teams receive. Laurier, in divi- nationals also. In the last ten com- weren't there to tour the brewery. sion two, competed against eleven petitions, Western University has For five days, the team, flipped, teams from across the United States. won. "We're hoping not to be lower screamed, and did lay ups, showing The Hawks came third. "When we than second place... but deep down,

those at the University of Wisconsin got it, I was so happy. Mississippi we have a desire to beat Western," ™ Electrolysis how proud Laurier can be. college said that we should have Bazinet said. "As soon as we get Skin Care and Though the camp focused on won it. That means more," Bazinet around Western we feel the pres- training and technique, each day sure." said. D. Curria Street their Bazinet said the tension between Carol 155 A Frederick was concluded with a little friendly The teams were judged on Aexthetfcfan with the compe- Certified competition. "The camp is there to pyramid building style, the sharp- the two teams ends and Etec*rol«*st Kitchener help your team, it is not set up as a ness of their motions, the spacing, tition. "Outside, there's tension, but N2HOn^rto2M6 Baseball says a sad good bye to Kirby

GREG CHOWNYK money than he would have gotten Cord Sports elsewhere. That is something truly During a summer in which most remarkable these days considering sports headlines revolved around most ball players have very little toy- gold medals and multi-million dollar alty and ssem to go where ever the; contract signings, it almost went money is. unnoticed that baseball said a sad With two World Series victories, goodbye to one of its legends. ten straight Ail-Star game appear- Around the All-Star break, ances, six Gold Gloves and a lifetime Minnesota Twins outfielder, Kirby average of .318, Puckett should find Puckett did what was the inevitable himself a place in the Hall ofFame. and retir

MELANIE SEAL come up to me after the show and iour beyond the stage. "The people Cord Entertainment PHOTO say, "I never knew exactly what that in the show develop habits that are song meant until now' that's excit- catlike, they'll yawn like a cat. It's When asked what made CATS a RLE ing, that's theatre. That's my job." something they really get into... it hit with its audiences, star per- Sager saw herself as similar to carries over into everyday life." former, Jeri Sager, said, "When all is the feline Grizabella because they John Napier, the set and costume said and done, the audience is excit- are both observers. Grizabella is an designer for the original London ed about a people-generated specta- outsider. Alienated by the other performance at the New London cle. It's not a helicopter, it's not a cats, she sits and watches, wishing Theatre, designed the costumes for chandelier, it's the talent of the she could be like them. "I always the touring company, giving the per- actors and dancers." Sager said the find myself watching. Part of it is formers a unique part-human, part audience can easily identify with the my character. Part of it is me. I'm -feline appearance. various feline characters in the not a dancer. I wish I could dance Each actor wears a costume musical. "Even if you're not a cat like those kids" said Sager. made of stretch latex unitards, lover, everybody knows a cat just All performers in CATS are allowing him/her to move, crawl, like these people." responsible for applying their own and pounce like a cat. "I'm more of a dog person stage make-up. Sager said that this The Fourth National Touring myself. I'm allergic to cats," Sager, helps her get into character. "It only Company has been travelling with who plays Grizabella, explained. takes me about twenty minutes. CATS for nine years. Sager has her- The star has been traveling with the Some of those kids are faster. I real- self been on the road traveling with touring company for two years. At ly feel like I'm building the charac- CATS, Les Miserables, and other the same time, the star finds her Kitchener's growing pet control problem. Meow!!! ter... start out human - and end up shows for the last six or seven years. influence from real-life felines. "I this alien thing." "After a while, it's like...well, I yearn find myself studying my friends' is the song "Memory". Sager said text of the play. "It's a great mono- Sager isn't the only one who has for a home, not living out of my suit- cats." that many people know the song, logue. It's a challenge for me every found herself transformed by the case." The biggest challenge Sager yet do not understand its meaning, night, it has to be presented in the musical. She said that many cast See CATS at Kitchener's Centre found playing the role of Grizabella meaning that is lost without the con- show, to make sense. When people members take their cat-like behav- in the Square September 6 - 8. Never Mind the Sponsor A Molson Canadian Rocks Blind Date Experience

AARON HUNTER that the news truly was out. Most of beer just that little bit more as a punk-rock Cord Entertainment my pre-concert time was spent result. It really would be an excel- i museum admiring the awe-inspiring array of lent promotional idea if it wasn't piece. The radio spot has become very Molson banners, posters, decals, for the fact that many people in The familiar: "A big band. A really big shirts, hats, badges, flags, and out- the age category they're targeting audience kept band - in a really small club. No let- side, automobiles. I was very tempt- are ingrates like myself who will throwing downs on this date" Molson pulled ed to find someone important-look- go to the free concert and drink things at him to out all the stops this summer to ing, sneak up behind them, and the free beer and then go back make him mad, ensure every beer-drinking nineteen stage-whisper, 'Who sponsored this to drinking Sleeman's the next perhaps hoping to thirty-five year old in Canada was event?' There were approximately day. The Molson promotions he would become chanting that mantra in their sleep. one thousand places to turn in your people might argue that con- enraged and fly I tried to block it out like I do most tickets for some sort of Molson prod- verting Canadians to their miraculously over transparent promotional advertis- uct served by a smiling product is not the point, but the ten-foot space ing, but when a particularly deter- Molson/Baywatch type. I am taking I can't help being very skeptical between the stage mined friend of mine won a pair of the time to describe the setting about the value of marginal increas- the and the barrier to tickets to the August 20th Toronto because I don't consider this an es in brand recognition. man was vogue- take things back to show, how could Iresist? ordinary concert review; it is, at The concert itself was almost as ing, doing all these weird punk rock, the late Let me begin by bursting the least in part, a review of advertising interesting as the circumstances Madonna-like hand motions and 1970'sBritish scene. notion that anyone was really sur- and one strategy in the corporate that created it. The Sex Pistols' show poses. His ridiculous haircut and his What they didn't realize was that prised when the Sex Pistols stalked war for market share. a few weeks ago at the Molson neon nipple-revealing warm-up Johnny Rotten is too old and Molson on-stage at the Guvernment (for- Naomi Klein, a writer whose col- Amphitheatre (surprise!) had an jacket added to the humour as well. is too nervous to allow a sponta- merly RPM) for their first Toronto umn appears weekly in the Toronto audience of ten thousand; this show His voice was great, barking out the neous moment like that. The band club date ever. Even if the staff at Star, pointed out quite correctly in had an intimate nine hundred. The songs with no trace of weakness. did, however, desert the stage in CFNY hadn't hinted us into submis- her piece on sponsorship that the intimacy, however, did not translate The trouble was, he kept using it to protest for a couple of minutes. sion when we picked up our tickets, Blind Date shows are interesting into intensity - it was not a punk say silly things: "Thanks for the After one hour of blazing music the would-be scalpers outside the because, initially, there is only a crowd, it was a randomly assem- money!", "You! The wanker throw- and several litres of expelled punk- club were more than happy to spoil sponsor - the actual attraction isn't bled crowd of beer-drinkers. ing beer! Come around to the side rock snot, it was all over. Rotten and the surprise in the hope we might supposed to exist until the very last Lots of people knew the music, and I'll show you how violence his crew exited with a sarcastic sell our tickets to them. I'm sure that minute. Hopeful concert-goers have however, if only from their adoles- works!", "I didn't get to where I am Porky Pig That's all folks!', and the even the exhausted and dazed peo- to think and say the phrase 'Molson cence, and a universal appreciation today by being a shy fucker!", "Look Guvernment went back to being a ple flown in from Saskatchewan Canadian Rocks' many, many times of numbers like 'God Save the at you! You can't even handle your big Molson love-in. caught the drift one way or another. before they see the pay-off. Molson Queen' and 'Anarchy in the U.K.' Molson! It's not as though it even For the sake of Molson's market- As we wandered through the becomes even more psychologically ensured that the audience was satis- has much alcohol in it!" He sounded ing team, that this obscenely expen- crowd before the show, clutching fused to rock'n'roll. Brand recogni- fied. like a toy version of himself with a sive string of promotions pays off in our free beer tickets (four each), tion increases. The "lifestyle" that Johnny Rotten's unwitting stage pull-string on the back, playing the sales. eavesdropping seemed to confirm includes live music includes Molson comedy helped. I swear to God that part of the marketable, predictable I doubt it will.

theCord September 5,1996 25 (Entertainment)— KW a hip-happening place

ROBIN WHITTAKER and The Lyric. Kitchener. whom hold enough talent to head- appeals to you, you won't be disap- Cord Entertainment The caliber of bands are easily More notably, the ability of the line shows at any of the afore-men- pointed. on par with those in Toronto. The local talent is astounding. In tioned T.O. spots on almost any Venues to remember: The If it's concerts you crave, look no Headstones, Ashley Madsaac, Toronto, I was accustomed to seeing night. Volcano, Gerritt's, Fed Hall (UW), further than Kitchener/Waterloo. Spirit of the West, Crash Vegas, fledgling bands at The El Mocombo, What they lack is mainstream The Bombshelter (UW), Lulu's, Being from T.0., I've been accus- The Fabulous Thunderhirds, and Lee's Palace, or The Gasworks. But publicity. What they don'tlack is fan Moondance Cafe, Phil's Grandson's, tomed to taking in more than the Big Sugar all grace the stages nine times out of ten I'd leave with a support. Waterlooers know who Sigfried Hall, Centre in the Square, occasional rock concert at venues here. Disappointments are few and sour ringing in my ears. Mediocrity these groups are, and come out in the Huret, Wilfs, and The Quad. like Exhibition Stadium, The far between. is the vice of far too many budding droves to support Skydome, The Opera House, and Moreover, the genres span from bands. them. The Warehouse. alternative to classical, from Celtic But in Kitchener/Waterloo, Take in a few When I came to Waterloo I pro- rock to acid jazz. places such as the Volcano feature concerts by K-W ceeded to take in shows at Laurier's Any appetite for live music will bands like The Minitures, Six bands this year. Turret, Lulu's, The Revolution (for- be whetted in Waterloo; any con- Months, Namesake, and the now- No matter merly The Twist), UW's Fed Hall, cert-goer's taste will be garnished in defunct Groove Daddys; each of what genre MOM WHfTTAKER ROBIN OF mmw Second Annual GenX Poster Sale COURTESY Sat, Sept 2110am-4pm \ CHART Sun, Sept 22 Noon-4pm UP k—Ws besj selec4i6h ZOOPED 6f foreign, cul-f, arume, ar\d v(de6s. 6661 mags 466;

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[G9REGinflSin.] [888°GEnX] lOO's ofPosters for Sale! y : Hard Cord ROBIN WHITTAKER 1. Egyptian chewing gum rumoured to be an aphrodisiac So we's get a planebada guys 'n take 'em to Al-Mansura, with nothing but tic-tacs and MONDAYS Fis h & chi ps 1 r 395 g-strings, forresearch. Comparative research! On the gum! Chewing gum! JHKHLi TUESDAYS, Wednesdays & Thursdays Q95 LARGE PITCHER OF BEER & 20 C WINGS 5J J? 2.Disney, Cirque duSoteS unite' Dumbo! Aw, for the love 0f...! We told you ■ WEDNESDAYS £ to stay away from the tightrope walkers! Who's gonnaclean thatup?" g95

3. Wetland, Staley, Cobain, two past members of the Smashing Pumpkins. 11 take "Wards that start with Hand w3i ruin the careers of mm baked 8 rockstars" &r 1000, Alex. H & 5 bucks xg IS 5 bucks, 5 bucks, 5 bucks % Go, democracy go. you greyhound 05 4. showdown. sleek of ■ 1 4 can dine for 24 max. 4 persons S the polls,you. K ■I THURSDAYS LADIES' NITE LITRE OF WINE 2 5. The Shaotin Kungfu monks Heard at the Lollapalooza think tank:

• "Ahlright, now, uh, where should we slot these limber d' bald men? After & * Beer * Shots • Vino Appetizers jf Psychotica, or before Rancid? like, either way man. malnstage for-uh- shure! These guyskick serious ass!

6. ladies suggest chemicals in chocolate target same brain receptors as doespot... and Dole swears he didn't ingest.

7. Los del Rio to record Christmas album with opera stars. They say Placido does a mean Macarena.

& Sid Vicious' 53-year-old mom forms her own band, "Road Rage/Ah, " ~ ~ "quality time" at the Vicious household.

9. WSHison renovations. Never underestimate the power of the press. [""

10. September. Don't see it as the end of summer. See it as the start of ■ Redeem this coupon for a Fish & Chip & A[T 4 [DEC I no. that closer Er, so many new opportunities ' school, Er, Er, much to winter. Pasta Dinner Card. | await Yeah, that's it! q[| 112||LL_j 26 September 5, 1996theCord HTEntertainment) CoKV "Firefly" web site Come write. Come be funky. offers guidance and lovely...Robin Wright is botli stunning 20TH ANNIVERSARY RE-RELEASE! ANDREW WHITE you despise and more and more you and enchanting in this passionate adventure." NEW PRINT! Cord Entertainment love. When that point comes, it's - 808 HEMY, Satellite NE*S FIRST TIME IN TRUE STEREO! time for you to ask Firefly to make MORGAN FREEMAN ROBIN WRIGHT —^ Have you ever heard of DJ Food? suggestions as to which artists or ROBbRT Probably not. Have you ever heard movies you should check out. This ofTHdcy? Probably. And if you like is performed by matching your pro- THcky, chances are good that you'd file up with users with similar tastes, really like DJ Food. Furthermore, if and seeing what they Eke. you like The Orb, you'd probably Firefly also functions as a sort of also like Orbital. Or if you like a community. At every point you Ministry, you should really try out are offered links to other user's Front Line Assembly. pages on the site. Using in-service Don't you wish comparisons like e-mail or chat rooms, you can com- that were easy to come by? municate with users with similar Particularly if your favorite artists interests. On a more global level, don't fit into the top 40 dance or you can also write reviews of alternative categories. It's a rare albums, concerts or artists in gener- and much-beloved music store al, or contribute to Flypaper, the employee who can make these sites' user-generated newsletter. kinds of suggestions. As for myself, Admittedly, you have to do a lot I get my music recommendations of training before Firefly clues in to Friday, Sept .6itO *®* from a couple of MIT computer sci- what you are interested in. For an Film GuidesAvailable in Wilfc & Student Info. Booth 7.uupin tacn iNignt ence students. Or, more accurately, unlucky few, the service never quite one block south of Bridgeport & king in uptown. TTHncessTyTwaleS^^ I"Lu>h from their labour of love,Firefly. gets itright I have had nothing but Firefly is a highly interactive web success with music. For some rea- site that can be found at son movies aren't so strong. Firefly www.ffly.com. Utilizing technolo- is convinced I love Alicia gy known as agents, and reputation Silverstone movies. To it's credit, brokering, Firefly makes surprising- however, it did suggest that I'd enjoy ly accurate suggestions as to what Akira Kurosawa's "The Hidden music and movies a user might like. Fortress" (the movie on which "Star The process is simple: you log on Wars" was loosely based), given that and get an alias (which creates a I like space operas and foreign \WEI user profile). The system then asks films. you questions about likes and dis- That said, if you are stuck in a likes. rut musically, or you've got seven Outlet Eventually, you start seeing bucks (or three if you rent the rep. fewer and fewer artists or movies films from Generation X), it's worth ON FIRST QUALITY ENDS OF LiNES, ONE<)F-A-KINDS AND IRREGULARS" Levi's for the student body Where to Hang Present this ad and reeeive Just how cool isK-W inSeptember? an additional 10%off your favourite Levi's (Student I.D. Required) \yc»iK> • Sass Jordan, Cart Dixon at Lulu's (650-0000)

Sun. $ept« • Laugh your laeloa ofHt Comedy night atPed Hal

Thurs. Sept 12 • The Tea Party at the Lyric Fri. SeptC • Jann Arden, Wendy Lands at • Fislibone, Race. Son at Volcano Lulu's (276King St. W.) Come for Levi's quality... • CATS at Centre In the Square till Fri. Sept 13 the Sept& • Forgotten Hebefe at Volcano leave with the outlet mall savings Sat, Sept 7 Sat Sept 14 St. Jacobs Factory Outlet • The Watchmen, Bfeie Meanies at • The Doughboys, PKrto at Hall Waterloo, Ontario FodHaH(BSS-4042) • The Travoltas, Roadhouse Band at (519) 886-0675 • Kelly Deal 6GQO> Local Rabbits at Lulu's WL

• a % Enjoy flame-broiled

KB5

KING CORPORATION O 1996

theCord September27.l99s 27 (Entertainment) Ear Candy

Kudos to Riverworks on a fine debut album that fails only in its inability to capture the intensity of their live performance. It's an almost too careful and methodical recording. Jobs The band has great potential to succeed in today's mature rock music scene, and their At Student music deserves a chance to be heard. Publications Robin Whittaker WLU§P is currently accepting applications for the followingvolunteer (and some paid) positions... Emergency Broadcast Network Telecommunication Breakdown TVT Records For those of you who doubt the validity of turntables as a musical instrument, TVT presents Emergency Broadcast Records & Network. Circulation Filing Manager "Telecommunications Breakdown" does for music what the group's outstanding Zoo International Page Editor TV work did for video. Taking samples from Sleeper our heavily media-saturated world and mix- The It Girl Copy Editor ing them with music just familiar enough to Arista prick something at the back of your mind, Including EPs, The It Girl is the 12thalbum to Production Assistants these media guerrillas hit the listener with a come from the pop quartet, Sleeper, yet no musical argument about how screwed up our one seems to have heard of this lot. After giv- culture is. ing the CD a spin, everyone immediately won- Stepping away from the group's political ders why. bent, the music is compelling. They freely The make-up of Sleeper is pretty standard: cross genres between hip-hop, rap, and acid guitars, bass, vocalist drums and keyboards. jazz freely. Some tracks, such as the high The sound is strong, and while having unique Sales Manager energy 3:7:8 are incredibly junglistic, created elements, Sleeper shares much with the by looping a woman, some wicked acoustical recent UK explosion roster. This is not to say base work, and a hip-hop beat sped up to the sound is boring or overdone. Far from it. Residence Editor flailing speeds. Another brilliant track, "Get But where Sleeper really stands apart is their Down ver. 2.2," is a remix of "Jungle Boogie," lyrics. Some time has passed since serious Sports Editor a tune made popular by the movie Pulp lyricists have brought such a level of sardonic Fiction. For those blessed with high speed wit to their writing. Listeners will pour over Grad Editor CD-ROMs, EBN has included the Interactive the lyrics, memorizing quotes like,"You said I Video Wall, with videos for "Electronic was cheap, you were the sale of the century," Behavior Control System," "3:7:8", and in the hopes of being able to weave them into Special Events Editor "Homicidal Schizophrenic." Therein lies the conversation. The track "Shrinkwrapped" only bad thing to say about this CD... ifyou're starts as an interesting trip through the listening to it on a computer, turn disk catch- singer's head-space as her inattentive lover ing off or risk having the CD stop mid-track. falls asleep beside her and evolves into an Andrew White analogy likening modern life to a sour rela- tionship. The It Girl is music that you can enjoy both Advertising Sales Representative simply hearing and listening. And while you're listening, I'm scouring the bins for Advertising Production Assistants Sleeper's otherreleases. Andrew White

Photo Technicians

Riverworks Self-titled Independent

— Riverworks — the band is more than just another small-town band. And Riverworks — the album is more than an acoustic bar-jam. A/R Clerk Singer Mike Monoghan is a deep, at times depressing lyricist, who writes honestly from "Harmacy" an observant soul. And it's from this soul that Sebadoh his toe-tapping, melodic acoustic rock Sub Pop emerges. But the edge behind Riverworks is After being dragged into the musical main use of scathing electric guitar stream with the success of his Folk their unique Manager solos to enhance their songs, courtesy of Leigh Implosion project, Lou Barlow's main band, Public Relations Poole. Tracks like "Rain comes down" and Sebadoh, have released their fourth full the growling "Curiosity" are prime examples lengther on the Sub Pop label, and expecta- Board Secretary ofsolos that break out of nowhere, but always tions for success are extremely high. So how at the right time, effectively expressing anger did the band respond to all this critical focus? and other mood swings. They went out and recorded one of their best To me, this is Riverworks' underlying albums to date. Barlow demonstrates his Application forms and copies of the job descriptions are genius: their ability to conjure emotions with mastery of melodic pop tune writing with "Open ended", not just heart-felt lyrics, but also the music songs such as "Ocean" and available in the WLUSP offices, on the third floor of the behind them. Enter drummer (and Laurier which brim with the highly emotional tone to characterize Barlow's alumnus) Jamie Tompkins, whose intelligent that has come Student Union Building. rhythms sail the song up and down the rapids Sebadoh work. Not to be outdone, fellow band of Monoghan's words. "Did I Really Hold On" members Jason Loewenstein and Bob Fay showcases this as Monoghan draws you in, to contribute an equal number of their own All applications close Sept. 20/96 at 4:30 pm a whisper's distance, then anxiously builds up songs, including Loewenstein's more hard- until Poole's guitar work must take over to core-sounding "Love to Fight" and Interviews will be in the seven days to follow. reach the song's climax. Rythym guitarist Jon "Mindreader" and Fay's instrumental Weland is a solid musician who's greatest "Sforzande". attribute may be his charismatic and ener- This melange of melodic pop and hard- getic live performance, while bassist Mark core styling creates a truly great album which McVicar is a fluid and talented musician in his gets better with each listen. own right. Sean Moore

28 September 5, 1996 theCord (Enteilainment T SHIRT CONTEST! Beck shows Name the artists for 4 of 5 everyone these albums. Come to the Cord Offices and tell Robin or Mel. Win a band shirt. <*ASH 2Ml|k TheHCM X Beats, Rhymes &Ufe {yQ\T where it's at seiMitie J» i^WlSik ChimChim's Bad Ass Revenge SEAN MOORE pated show. A brief musical detour occurred Cord Entertainment Opening the 'courtesyof rai&CS night was the New at the set's mid-point when Beck :::a — 1 York City-based duo, Cibo Matto was deserted by his band to per- Several years back, when that gan- — that's pronounced Chee-bo Matt- form a number of solo acoustic gly man-child known as Beck (an o Italian word apparently). numbers which included the hilari- Hansen burst into the musical These two female performers are ous redneck anthem "Thick Drivin' mainstream with the success of the somewhat of an oddity to see Neighbours Downstairs". The entire so-called slacker anthem "Loser", I, because of their obsession with var- band later returned to the stage like many people, thought that it ious culinary delights. I had no idea and played a number of other had to be one of those EIMOORES oh-so-com- that one could write so many songs tunes, as well as several well- mon-one-time flash-in-the-pan phe- about beef jerky or knowledge of received encore numbers. mfm THE SUIT PEOPLE nomenon. However, after picking various types of chicken, but hey, to I have to admit that I was up his major debut, a bit label "Mellow each his own. skeptical, initally, about how Gold," I was quickly well convinced that Although a very humorous set, I most of Beck's sample-heavy tunes there was more to this man than sensed the crowd wasn't into it would translate into a live setting, one really infectious hit single. He because most of the music played but any doubts I had were dis- actually had the musical ability to Welcome Back... was programmed into missed by his thoroughly entertain- write a plethora of songs that synthesizer/keyboards and the duo ing set. spanned the musical gamut and simply stood around on stage, mak- His support band made the set wishing you a melded together a number of vary- ing it quite dull to watch. even more engaging with their on- ing musical genres. And yes, almost Beck made his way on-stage stage antics which seemed tocom- every song had lyrics that successful would later in the night and kicked off his pliment Beck's own peculiar year! stick in your head and wouldn't set with his current single, receiving demeanour. leave. extensive radio play, "Devil's I guess it also re-emphasized the This past summer, Beck contin- Haircut," much to the delight of the fact that Beck Hansen is a bonafide For all your ued his success with the of menswear release throngs of young moshers present. musical artist who has carved his second full lengther out for the Throughout the set, Beck sampled his own little niche in fashions and accessories major "Odelay". the world of labels: To solidify equally from both his full length popular music. his musical successes, Beck albums, including ...shop Moores The Suit People. favourites such Don't be surprised if you hear a returned to the Concert Hall in as "Beercan", "Where It's At" and lot more of Beck over the next few Toronto recently for a highly antici- ofcourse "Loser". years, apparendy, he's here to stay.

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I i *Over 5,000 titles in stock • Rob Glover Hamlin, and featuring the special Ifyou ever feel lost, take it from an \ "Computer Book Specialists old where the "Introductory through to As I sit here, the inevitable mug of effects genins of one Ray pro: just memorize ~ Advanced Computer Science * Irish Cream in my hand, I notice a Harryhausen, whoalso served as pro- Concourse is, and you can find every 1 King Street, N.(at Erb) Mail & Special Orders number ofinteresting events happen- ducer. other place you'll need to go to from WATERLOO Welcome , here at the Concourse. I recognize some of these people there. It really is the cross roads of ing *| iJ I notice that every time I try to as students and representatives of Laurier. 746-6042 I annoy the fiiendly and helpful staffat student organizations like Student the Second Cup, they ignore me. Well, Publications. As I'm wondering why they would ignore me anyway (appar- WLU students are advertising such an ently, they know me quite well), but lame old movie, and does this have this time, they're quite busy serving a anything to do with all the other odd lot of customers. And not just the reg- things happening around campus, it USED CD OUTLET ulars, either. I'm seeing a lot of new occurs to me to look at a calendar. 1 1 faces buying coffee. The date confirms a growing suspi- I've also seen a lot of new faces cion in my mind. behind the counter serving coffee, too. All of this, of course, can only I look closer at what's happening, and mean one thing: it must be a new sure enough, I notice the experienced school year. coffee agents training new appren- For the returning student, coming tices in the arcane art ofbrewing the back to familiar territory, the begin- perfect cup ofjoe. ning of a new year means one step Going into the book store, I notice closer to that degree. For those Stanley Park Mall 385 Fairway Road South bTb large piles of books with catchy titles returning, I'd like to welcome them KITCHENER KITCHENER B* **MMMWP^ like "Good Reasoning Matters" and back and reassure them that those in (Ottawa & River Road) (Canadian Tiie Plaza) g g "Calculus: Early TVanscendentals", as power didn't move any departments 748*0912 893*2464 well as an increasing number of peo- around over the summer. Speaking of IISCCI CDS ple actually buying them. summer, yeah, I'm wondering where When I go outside, I notice anoth- mine went too. • • • ￿ In-stock er bizarre spectacle. I see groups of For those who are here for thefirst BUY SELL TRADE people running around wearing dif- time, entering unfamiliar territory, ferent coloured T-shirts, shouting in relax. Those people in the same-yet- unison. Looking closer, I notice that different coloured shirts aren't mem- the T-shirts all have the same pattern: bers of some strange cult (Student they all say "dash of the Titans" on Publications notwithstanding), but are the back. tour guides for Orientation Week. (In Now, as I recall, "dash of the my first year, the slogan was "BigTop Titans" was a 1981 turkey of a movie Laurier". I think I like this year's bet- starring somebody named Harry ter.)

Cyber Sex Sux

• An edited version of an anonymous int*rn*t submission gathered by Chris Ross •

Wei 1 hung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning sofUy. Well hung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Fm sony. Sweetheart: That's OK. it wasn't really too expensive. Well hung: IH pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. I breathe harder and harder. Well hung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart; 1 take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. Thebra slides offmy body. Well hung: How did yew do that? I'm picking upthe bra and inspecting tie clasp. / \ jM Wei 1 hung: I'm choking. j Sweetheart: Are you OK? Well hung: Tm having a coughing fit I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wei 1 hung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart; In the cabinet to the right of tie sink. Well hung: I'm drinking a cup ofwater, There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Well hung: I'm washingthe cup now. Sweetheart: I'm en the bed arching foryou, Wei 1 hung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm puttingitback inthe cabinet And y now I'm walkingback to thebedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost Where's the nrrrt t. ]M[isS TLId IMTII lIIUIIII VtSA«M*OTKCAKD-AMERICAN EXPRESS bedroom? 'KTTS*' r-rMVV3F I S7»-T570 CENTRE | free 1-800-265-8977 Sweetheart: last door on the left at the end of the hall. 111111l tcil SEP I EMBER SQUARE 111 I, [I Mon fri 10AM-6PM 10AM-4PM Wei 1 hung: I found it Mill I special .Jl . _. Contact the Box Office for hours Sweetheart :Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! |UL 1 1 QUEEN ST., N., KITCHENER related to performance days. theCord September 5, 1996 31 11 J

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