THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT lackadaisicalISSUE

editor-in-chief Kristin Hillery LIECRABB LIECRABB LIECRABB managing editor bradley Jackson K KUT’s busiest studentK design director Y Y Y David Strauss Texas Travesty: Thanks for giving us a few minutes had to try to squeeze some studying in late Monday night. Of course Tuesday night is $1 beers at associate elizabeth Barksdale of your time. Cain and Abel’s. Oh, and six of my friends have turned 21 this month. editors Kathryn Edwards Eric Seufert UT’s Busiest Student: I said one minute, so now TT: How do you stay organized with all of that going on? Stephen Short you’ve got 56 seconds. UTBS: I only drink soy milk and eat whole-wheat bread, which keeps keeps my memory sharp. writing staff mike Faerber TT: What kind of stuff are you busy doing? Every morning I do 25 bicycle kicks to get my blood moving, I have an electronic calendar to Jen Goldstein remind me of important dates, and I try to only get Sara Kanewske UTBS: My boyfriend’s Cowboys formal was on Kelsey Lamb Monday, so last week I had to find a dress and black-out drunk two, maybe three times a week. Toby Salinger make sure I had an appointment to get my hair TT: Do you find that your hectic schedule alienates Laura Schulman and nails done. Tuesday I had a psych test, so I you from other people? Christie Young publicity lauren McDowell UTBS: Totally. How do you relate to someone Melanie Schaffrath who has three tests in a week, has to make her Laura Waltz boyfriend a birthday present, and is vice president design staff Mark Estrada of the Business Club? It’s put a huge strain on my Ryan Flores friendships. Chris Friend Todd Mein TT: How do you deal with the stress of being so busy? Adam Shackleton UTBS: I take a nap every afternoon and watch TJ Sharp Gilmore Girls. I have to TiVo it, though. Samantha Soper advertising erica Grundish webmaster mike Kantor • The new sandwich shop on the Drag doesn’t • Graduating seniors who are dating someone administrative Sandy Arriaga require its name repeated five times to comprehend younger are going to be facing the “where is this assistants Jacqueline Fitzgerald it, infant. going?” conversation pretty soon. Travis Henning • Unfortunately for upperclassmen, professors will • Apparently chalk is now a recognized form of Kate Krueger around Joel Lucas not recognize the friday before Spring Break as communication on the Drag. Offical Senior Skip Day. • People who cross the street with the crowd when Ben Mason • A freshman trying to turn over a new leaf this there is no walk signal are putting a lot of faith in Garrett Rowe campus semester will spend $30 on fish oil pills, which the safety in numbers theory. CONTRIBUTING Janice Chan he will throw away after he releases a burp in the • Pet names should not be recycled from one EDITORS Jill Morris • Girls in ruffled skirts will prove yet again that middle of class that smells stingingly like miso boyfriend to the next. Todd Ross Nienkerk Old Navy commercials can still reach the college soup. • Your neglected pet will develop trust issues and demographic of pre-soccer wife. • A janitor caught spying on girls through a have trouble with commitment. contact • Suicidal people living in West Campus will just peephole in the UGL bathroom will be laid off, • Couples walking hand-in-hand secretly just want phone (512) 471-7898 stop locking their doors at night. and by laid off he means fired with threats of legal to play Red Rover. email [email protected] • Playgrounds will become depressing when you action. • No matter how much you pay for tuition and fees, web www.texastravesty.com realize you’re too tall for the monkey bars, the • The Campus Democrats and the Ted Kennedy you will never, ever print anything on campus for mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin swings pinch your ass, and you’ll be working until is the Goddamn Devil Club will just agree to free. p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 you’re 65. disagree. • Business students whose ethics education includes editors emeritus • While hustling to class with a heavy backpack on, • You will learn in your Weather and Climate class learning how to spin negative news will find Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen a student compensates his running style to that of a that fog is nothing more than an accumulation of themselves at absolutely no risk of contracting an 1997 2001-2003 raptor in the heat of a hunt. demon farts. STD. Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud volume 8 • issue 5 2000-2001 march 8, 2006 legalese The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, Construction site? More like seduction Wendy’s in the Union with best friend The irony! That same evening, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of site! Sophomore Missy Havermeyer Sarah Eichaufenstein. Sarah, mean- Wrigley’s BFF, Jennifer Flores- (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where and junior Kyle Berkowitz were while, stuck to a plain baked potato Highsmith, burned a bag of popcorn public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to spotted crawling out of the restricted and a side salad with no dressing beyond recognition at the I Eta Pi any persons living or dead is coincidental. The Blanton Museum site, their hair amess as she digested an ultimatum from sorority house. The funky smell that views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the and their backs studded with the rub- boyfriend Stan Friedmanton: Lose quickly permeated throughout the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much ble of passion! We guess the hats aren’t five pounds or else! Looks like Sarah entire place was allegedly worse than anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for the only hard things over there! should take a cue from PTS and give the stench of six hungover I Phelta Thi readers under 18 years of age, regardless of Speaking of hard times . . . Eric Stan the boot — just like they did brothers on your kitchen floor first the pretty pictures. Stewart-Kingsley has finally decided after his third ticket for parking in a thing in the morning! to resign from his position as trea- handicapped spot without a permit. And that burned bag of Orville shout outz to... Stolen cookies; grundle sweat; Leo’s Honey; surer of Democratic Students for Too hot to handle! The recent fire Redenbacher’s wasn’t the only thing being welcomed to Moe’s; the catering that Democracy. Cindy Karp, his oppo- alarm at Jester East was no accident. that got popped last night! Rumor just wouldn’t stop; billions of questions; Jill and nent and DSD’s former media direc- Blake Hassleton pulled the alarm in has it that sophomore Katy Heslerr Bradley’s awkward affair; keyboard snuggling; ASCII art and people who don’t get the irony; tor, discovered two weeks ago that a fit of anger after seeing his girlfriend finally agreed to let her boyfriend of Toby’s long explanations for everything; illegal Eric had been stuffing the ballot box. Sarah Wrigley cozying up to her old 10 months, Kyle Fisherwills stick parking cones; Journey; giant mega dinosaur laptops and their sleek Apple counterparts; Ballot boxes weren’t the only things flame Johnny Hinderfitz. And let us his corn cob in her. Wonder how much being mesmerized by the lava lamp; the broken stuffed, as Cindy was reportedly seen just say that Hassleton’s rage wasn’t buttering up he had to do first? toilet; the original “drawings”; The Shitty Dog; the only thing that was white hot and original Tower photos; Kasey Short; strep directly after the election eating three throat; Chris, the master of drawing; ricin; fajitas junior bacon cheeseburgers at the all over the place! Got gossip? [email protected] that are still sizzlin’; The Big Plan; watching the sun creep through the windows; enough half- empty drinks to quench the thirst of a large Cover CS Advice Chuck Norris Girls Gone Crazy Cheney Scenarios Models Illustrations Todd Mein animal; running to the FAC to take a dump and march Chris Friend David Strauss David Strauss Adam Shackleton Mark Estrada Derek Davidson Lesley Dixon Todd Nienkerk almost losing it on the way; high school band; Mike Kantor Jerry Fugit Mark Estrada Adam Shackleton the man who stole the camel; the musician who Centerspread SXSW Diary SAC Plans Orthotrinicodone Heidi Klum Chris Friend TJ Sharp stole David’s iPod (we will find and kill you); 2006 Chris Friend Mark Estrada Mark Estrada David Strauss Andy Pereira Kristin Hillery Dave Schwab Ashleigh’s abrasive posts; an email with the Mike Kantor VY Co-op Mike Kantor Samantha Soper word “fingerblasting”; amazing rice puns, buying Jill Morris Giggles’ Roadtrip Bode Miller Sorority Newsletter TJ Sharp Ad Sales Kate Krueger David Strauss a $30 antennae from Radio Shack and then credits David Strauss Kristin Hillery Todd Ross Nienkerk TJ Sharp Samantha Soper Erica Grundish returning it after you watch the Oscars; steel. © 2006 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 30,000 FONDLING BATS since 1997 NEWS • 3 ‘Patriot Act is nothing new,’ says local father Dad has secretly listened to daughters’ private phone calls, searched laundry for notes Kelsey Lamb staff writer PHILADELPHIA — Amidst the punctual. But a father — or a presi- and MySpace accounts. to think I couldn’t heated debate over civil liberties that dent, for that matter — can never be “Right now my methods are rath- decode these sorts surrounds the Patriot Act, Robert too careful.” er primitive,” admitted Waller. “With of cryptic missives,” Waller, father of four teenage girls, Although referred to by his their rapid, text-based conversations, boasted Walker. finds “nothing wrong” with Presi- daughters as an “unruly tyrant” and there’s only so much my old hunting After digging dent Bush’s initiative to monitor a “nosey douche-hole,” Waller main- binoculars and Polaroid camera can through piles of dirty phone conversations with the inten- tains his actions do not warrant ex- c aptu re .” laundry and back is- tion of preventing acts of terrorism. planation. “All I know is if I want to com- sues of YM, Waller “When you get down to it, Bush “If you hear your daughter whis- pletely trust my daughters, I must soon discovered the and Congress are basically just put- pering sweet nothings about ‘getting see what HawtNspicy6969 is sending “holy grail” of Amber’s ting America on one phone line,” stoned’ to some youthful renegade, them at all hours of the night,” as- youthful experimenta- said Waller. “It’s easier for them to you have an obligation to step in,” serted Waller, as he stealthily ducked tion. pick up in the kitchen and have a lis- declared Waller. “She may claim they behind his daughter’s SpongeBob in- “A half-empty bottle ten for safety purposes, you know?” were conversing about their youth flatable chair. of what appeared to be ge- Waller has recently implemented minister’s recent sermon about per- Along with electronic surveil- neric female pain medicine his own phone-monitoring program secution in the early church, but I’m lance, Waller strongly agrees with was all I needed to validate to spy on his daughters. He described quite confident they were talking the warrant-less property searches my hasty assumptions,” catching 14-year-old Bethany in a about smoking grass.” allowed under the Patriot Act. continued Waller, “I took “red alert level” conversation. Waller added: “I bet President The suspicious father discovered one of those man-roofies, “One minute Bethany was talk- Bush wishes he had enacted this leg- notes in his daughter Amber’s jean and I was out for hours.” ing about cheerleading practice, and islation during his own daughters’ pockets that contained “suspicious Waller’s daughters de- the next minute she made an off- scandalous teenage years.” and lewd” slang words, such as “LOL clined a telephone inter- handed comment about ‘being late,’” While Waller has mastered the art j/k” and explicit references to “crush- view and abruptly hung up explained Waller. “She could have of phone tapping, he soon hopes to es on boys.” after hearing breathing in been talking about her inability to be gain access to his daughters’ AIM “Amber would be kidding herself the background. Laptop actually used for note-taking in class ‘I can type more than 95 words per minute,’ says student Stephen Short associate editor Classmates admit their astonish- ment to Moorhead’s note-taking CAMPUS — Government junior method. Anthony Moorhead finds dictating “I don’t understand how anyone lecture notes on his laptop easier could resist idly surfing the Internet than taking notes by hand. during class,” said sophomore Brent “This stunning and innovative piece Rosenbaum. “Every class, after I’ve of technology allows me to record looked at all my friends’ photo al- essential lecture points the instant bums on Facebook and counted the they are uttered from Professor’s tiles on the ceiling, I look down at mouth,” bragged Moorhead, caress- the front row and there he is — tak- ing the keyboard of his sleek Power- ing notes!” Book G4. “Sometimes I get uneasy and self- “By typing my notes, I can eas- conscious because I feel that if he’s ily archive them for later viewing. I typing that much, I should probably don’t have to worry about dropping be doing the same thing,” explained my pen or running out of college- Rosenbaum. “But then I just IM the ruled paper,” said Moorhead. “Not guy sitting next to me, and he rolls that I would ever commit such a his eyes and goes back to searching grave error.” for discount sunglasses on eBay.” Refraining from instant messaging Rosenbaum added, “I bet that guy during lectures, Moorhead spends is really smart or something.” two hours each day creating a Power- Professor Michael Jacobi instructs Point presentation from his notes. the government lecture Moorhead benefits for bringing a laptop to his pen and paper respond with chronic “It is odd,” remarked Dr. Jacobi. “People need to wake up and smell and Rosenbaum attend. lecture. blank stares and dull faces. Students “Last week I rhetorically asked my- the coffee. The future of note-taking “I think computers in the class- “I’ve noticed a remarkable trend with laptops are active, recording self when Maximillian I of Mexico is here, and that future is a Word room are a valuable educational among pupils who bring a laptop every word I say while sporadically was born. Everyone with a laptop document,” said Moorhead, mas- tool,” noted Professor Jacobi. “Not with them to campus,” declared Pro- giggling amongst themselves.” responded in unison, ‘Maximillian saging his wrists due to the onset of only do they look neat, but they save fessor Jacobi. “They actively partici- However, Dr. Jacobi noted stu- von Hapsburg was born on July 6, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. “Put down paper, too.” pate in class.” dents with laptops shared an uncan- 1832, and was a member of Austria’s your pencils, class. Time is up.” Professor Jacobi touted additional He continued: “Students with a ny interest in mundane trivia. imperial family.’” Girl, I’d treat you right if you were mine. NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • MARCH 2006 dirtybriefs Dorm resident discovers done dirt cheap rice in roll of quarters Freshman-senior relationship rocks Kinsolving Kristin Hillery CAMPUS — Freshman Katy Handel shocked fellow residents of Kinsolv- editor-in-chief ing’s fourth floor Tuesday when she announced that she was dating senior CAMPUS—Undeclared freshman Matt Lowery. “I cannot believe Katy is dating a senior,” said roommate Kaylie Haysbogue discovered a Becca Howard. “I guess being a sophomore by hours really does make her starchy substance in a roll of quarters while doing laundry in Jester East, more mature.” Handel made her announcement after calling all the girls officials said Monday. on her floor into her room to watch the OC last Thursday night. “I tried to “I was completely weirded out play it off like it wasn’t a big deal,” explained Handel. “I mean, I’ve always when I opened the quarters,” said dated older guys — in high school I was the only girl in my grade to go to Haysbogue. “Who leaves something the senior prom all four years.” Not everyone shared in Handel’s enthu- as hazardous as rice in quarters, any- siasm, however. “You know, I could say I’m dating a senior, too,” sniffed way?” Laura Templer. “I just don’t tell anyone he’s in high school.” Haysbogue, a third-floor resident of the dormitory, immediately re- ported the grainy discovery to her Student avoids eye contact with blind professor RA, Lindsay Mickleson. CAMPUS — Fourth-year junior Scott Waller was accused by classmates “The fact is that Kaylie was smart enough to drop the quarters, not of insensitivity toward the visually impaired after he failed to acknowl- taste the mysterious substance, and edge his English professor Mort Rosenbaum as they passed each other on alert someone that there was a life- the Main Mall. “We were walking to class when we saw Dr. Rosenbaum,” threatening emergency going on,” said Monica Snowe. “We all said ‘hi’ except for Scott — he just looked explained Mickleson. “I would have n down at his feet and didn’t say a word.” Although Dr. Rosenbaum was been steamed if she had let things The use of rice in terrorism goes against the grain of traditional methods unaware of Scott’s presence, his classmates did not let the matter go unno- boil over.” to what one feels after consuming “It could be anything: brown rice, ticed. Snowe chided, “Just because Professor Rosenbaum can’t see Scott, Haysbogue added, “My Uncle Ben food — and the moving of bowels. jasmine rice, white rice, wild rice it doesn’t mean he can pretend he’s not there.” Defending himself, Waller warned me that it can take a minute The FBI emphasized that they — even, God forbid, the dreaded stated, “I see him enough in class, so I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me or less for infection to set in, so I would run more tests in order to de- basmati strain. Some evidence points knew I had to act fast.” after class either.” Snowe countered: “That’s just the sort of thing a blindist termine the strain of the rice found. to the whole thing being a fluff, but Symptoms of rice ingestion in- “You know, it’s a sticky situation,” we’re definitely not going to put this would say.” clude a feeling of fullness — similar said Special Agent Frank Fillerston. investigation on the back burner.”

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Boehner rises, will meet Bush washington, d.c. — Representative John Boehner of Ohio, who was elected House Majority Leader last month in a close 122-109 vote, will meet with President Bush this week to discuss GOP strategy for the upcoming year. Political analyst and former Crossfire host Tucker Carlson called the Boehner election “enormous,” explaining that Boehner will “re- ally have to rise to the occasion to fill the publicity gap created by DeLay’s ouster.” Boehner addressed concerns over his ability to aptly manage his newfound responsibilities at a press conference Friday. “The Boehner pol- icy will be one of sustained growth; as new blood rushes through the head of the Boehner advisory staff, we will penetrate the restraints imposed on us by left-wing sycophants.” Boehner’s ascent to majority leader prompted him to assume a larger advisory staff. Among his new appointments is longtime friend and famed political consultant Tim Ballz.

Wedding vows delay access to open bar downtown — Guests at the union of Dan Medina and Keegan Hill last Saturday complained that the ceremony was “a sappy waste of pre- cious boozin’ time.” Though the couple wrote their own vows, maid of honor Valerie Trevelson declared that she’d rather “slide naked down a mountain of dirty syringes” than hear Medina claim Hill’s love “took him higher than any drug ever could.” Trevelson added, “All that rambling about drugs got me jonesin’ for some liquor.” Father of the bride Damien Hill recalled: “They just kept going on and on, like it was their special day or something. You can’t entice a man by telling him there will be an open bar and then make him sit through an hour of that crap — it’s inhumane.” Although guests could not get to the open bar as quickly as they had an- ticipated, the hotel’s valet staff noted that four out of five attendants left the reception smiling, laughing, and too drunk to drive.

Free candy in class a point of contention CAMPUS — While working on a history project Thursday, students Kyle Gennerton and Tim Simon engaged in a heated dispute about whether to bring candy to their class presentation. “We’re going to be giving a boring PowerPoint presentation about the Civil War,” explained Gennerton. “Ev- eryone’s totally going to fall asleep unless we pass out some Snickers be- fore we start.” Simon, however, feels that bringing “random candy” to his classmates only cheapens the impact of a presentation. “For God’s sake, what do mini M&Ms have to do with the Battle of Bull Run? It’s just a pathetic ploy to get some applause and a good peer evaluation,” grumbled Simon. The students’ professor, Dr. Harold Martinboke, commented that bringing candy to class would not affect anyone’s grade, although “a mid- morning sugar rush would really hit the spot.”

Ancient artifact found beneath teenager’s bed houston — Thirteen-year-old Matt Cantos discovered a small, rect- angular object with brown string hanging out of its plastic casing beneath his brother’s bed Monday after school. “Man, I knew Philip kept some cra- zy stuff under here, but I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Matt. Puz- zled by the strange artifact, which had the words “Rad Mix ’96” scrawled across it in permanent marker, Matt confronted his brother Philip about the find. “I hadn’t seen that mix tape in 10 years,” said Philip. “That tape had everything: ‘C’mon Ride the Train,’ ‘No Diggity,’ and even ‘I Believe I Can Fly.’ Man, those songs totally got me to second base with Marissa Walters.” Unfamiliar with the bands on the mix tape, Matt commented, “Oh, so that’s what that thing at the bottom of my stereo is for.”

Fisting is not another word for fighting. NEWS • 5 6 • news texas travesty • MARCH 2006

Old woman tells terrible, Name: Collin County Comm. College; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black; Ad Number: 00018378 awkward story over dinner Bradley Jackson about her Type-2 diabetes and her managing editor puss-filled bunions — especially when we’re eating pot roast.” PLANO, TX — Eighty-three-year- Eighty-five-year-old Harold, Flor- old grandmother Florence Winston ence’s husband of 47 years, agreed made her entire family extremely with his family’s sentiments. uncomfortable during dinner at her “Every night before we go to bed, home Sunday evening when she dis- Flo goes on and on about how her cussed her current medical problems varicose veins are spreading to her in depth. upper thighs, and I just smile and “We had just started eating Mam- nod like I’m watching Andy Rooney my’s famous pot roast when she talk about the hip-hop rap bands,” started about her most recent vis- claimed Harold, finishing his unfil- its to the doctor,” said Bill Winston, tered Pall Mall. “She’s a darlin’ wom- Florence’s 35-year-old son. “I mean, an, but dangit all if that ol’ coot don’t did she really have to describe her drive my billy goat like LBJ in a six- stool sample as ‘plump’ and her liver engined autogyro!” as ‘splotchy?’” The evening was made even more Bill added: “I wanted to interrupt uncomfortable when Florence at- Mom, but I knew she would just nag tempted to lighten an emotional sub- me for still being single and unable to ject between daughter Linda Epstein, give her ‘oodles of grandbabies.’” and her husband Steve, regarding Despite several attempts to change their inability to concieve. the subject by various family mem- “Mom tried to make me laugh by bers, Florence began describing her saying ‘Back in my day, getting preg- visit to the gynecologist earlier that nant was my only job,’” Epstein said. week. “But instead of laughing I cried for “The only thing I really remem- hours, and Steve’s giving me the si- ber was Grandma comparing her lent treatment.” cervix to a pickled strawberry,” said Epstein added: “Now my marriage Winston’s teenage grandson, Bobby. is as dry as my womb.” “After that, Dad told me to take my Amidst awkward silence punctu- little brother and wait in the car.” ated by Linda’s occasional sobbing, Although Winston is regarded as a Florence went on to describe her re- caring mother and loving wife by her cent mole removal from her left arm family, her ability to make situations pit. highly uncomfortable is well known. “I’ll tell ya, it bled like a geyser for Florence’s eldest son, James, re- the first few days, but now the scab marked: “Mom just doesn’t under- looks like Grover Cleveland’s pro- stand that no one wants to hear fi l e .”

Re: Travesty Webmaster Application!!1(Score 5: Interesting) by TravestyStaff (1337) on Monday, March 06, @1:00AM (http://www.texastravesty.com/)

Teh current Travesty webmaster haX0rd UT Direct to fix his grades (too much WoW) and will graduate this spring. This means the position is more wide open than Internet$ Expl0der.

We’re looking for people with 1337 skillz in the PHPz, MySQLz, and basic web forumz.

IIRC, this is paid

IANAL, but go to the Texas Travesty website [texastravesty.com] to download the application, which you can turn in at CMC 3-200.

-- Move .sig! OMGz use Lunux!

6 • news www.texastravesty.com FONDLING BATS since 1997 NEWS • 7 Sweatshirt proves girl could have attended Stanford PSAT score referenced six times in conversation Eric Seufert Government 312K Professor Gary any connection to Stanford Univer- associate editor Onstead, who earned both his BS and sity. PhD from Stanford, described Easton Easton cited financial limitations CAMPUS — A conversation focused as an “over-achieving brown-noser” as the main impediments she faced in on UT athletics soured after a gov- when asked about her performance choosing between applying to Stan- ernment 312K class Thursday when in class. ford or UT, but she also says her fam- government and Plan II freshman “I really have no idea if she could ily played a large role in her decision. Jessica Easton drew attention to the have gone to Stanford. She can go to “UT is just so much cheaper than fact that the Stanford sweatshirt she hell, though, because she seriously Stanford, so it didn’t even feel like was wearing was purchased during a asks way too many goddamn ques- a decision. I almost feel sorry for campus visit. tions during class,” said Onstead. the people going to Stanford,” said “Everyone was talking about how Easton’s roommate, undeclared Easton. “Although I was really, really great it would be if UT won another business major Anna Barkley, claims close to being one of them.” national championship, so I brought that Easton has “vomited Stanford Easton continued: “Besides, I up the fact that athletics was one of paraphernalia all over the walls” of couldn’t stand to be that far away the reasons I chose UT over Stanford,” their shared room. from my family. My dog Ginger is 11 Easton said of the comment. “I wasn’t “Seriously, I don’t care if she could years old, and I’d be heartbroken if I trying to brag or anything — I really have gone to Stanford or not — she couldn’t see her before she died.” did have a chance to go to Stanford. goes to UT, and she should be proud A self-proclaimed “first-year soph- That’s why I own this sweatshirt.” of that,” Barkley declared. “She’s al- omore,” Easton claims that her Plan Easton wore the cardinal-colored ways either complaining about UT’s II designation will aid her acceptance sweatshirt despite the abnormally campus compared to Stanford’s or to law school in the same way that a warm and humid weather of the threatening to transfer. The truth is, degree from Stanford would have. season. She defended her decision she didn’t even apply there — her “At Stanford, I would have been just to wear the extra layer by citing the guidance counselor just told her that another face in the crowd, but here perpetually-cool temperature of the she had a shot at getting in.” I’m already a sophomore in my first FAC auditorium, but some classmates A quick survey of the wall above year!” said Easton. “UT accepted a lot were not convinced. Easton’s bed revealed a Stanford pen- of AP credit that Stanford wouldn’t “She probably wore that sweatshirt dant, a Stanford scarf, a picture of — I checked. That’s how close to go- because she’s got no rack,” explained Easton outside Standford’s football ing there I was.” Sebbert, one of Easton’s classmates. stadium, a framed National Merit “Besides, all that matters is what “Either that or she wants to let people Commended Scholar plaque, and a law school you go to,” Easton com- know that Stanford exists. Whatever signed promotional poster for the pelled. “That’s why I’ve got a Yale it is, she needs to stop asking so many television show Joey. Easton could sweatshirt saved for when I’m an up- goddamn questions during class.” not say whether Matt LeBlanc had perclassman.” n Smug and pretentious is the look this season

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Women like muscles because somebody’s got to squeeze their stupidity out. NEWS • 7 8 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2006

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Third Annual Texas Travesty Film Festival  Submissions due March 31 Show on April 22 at 8pm at the Texas Union Theater  Submission and show info: texastravesty.com/filmfest

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Name: Austin Pregnancy Center The Third Annual Texas Travesty Film Festival is now accepting submissions. Submit (your work)

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I call them Lickeys! It’s so much nicer sounding. features • 11 12 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2006 Crossword Nick Lachey’s Résumé Nicholas Scott Lachey Across 29. The square root “Twenty years from now, I’d like to think that 98° will have left a lasting impression.” 1. You, plural of 4, spelled out —Nick Lachey Education 2. Wiener (two words, 32. Not living Harlan High School hyphenated) 33. Blonde female • Second tenor in choir 8. French for surrender 34. Austin ______Sports Medicine at Miami University in Ohio 10. Not a word College • On hiatus • Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity (Brother) 11. Undressed to music Down Experience 13. A cat’s child 1. America’s first • Husband/pooper scooper/damage control 14. Singer Aiken • Recording my solo album, SoulO holiday Newlyweds 15. Degrees in Celcius 2. ____blasting • Reason for leaving: We were no longer new and we were no longer wed. Or remotely 16. Top of a tree 3. Longest part of interesting. 19. Object in which a giraffe 98º things are stored • On hiatus 4. Romantic Italian • Second tenor 20. The Empire _____ phrase Edited by Will Pantz No. 0912 • Lead bicep flexor in videos, posters, Tiger Building For answers, call 1-512-475-7898, $4.99/minute; or, with a credit card, 1-409-651-9480. Share tips: Beat covers, etc. (I was the one with the 5. World’s cleanest crosswordkrazypants.com/koo-kooforcrosswords/lonelyandsingle.html. 98º tattoo.) 21. Gibberish city Will Pantz is a Superstar Puzzle Maniac, Level 5. He lives in a car parked in various hospital garages • Driving creative force for name of band throughout the rural Northeast. He sniffs his fingers and smokes cloves. (I was feeling a little under the weather 22. Justice 6. Zen lifestyle one day. Jeff felt my forehead and was 23. A popular circus act 7. That’s what who said? 18. Lucky part of rabbit 30. Member of 311 all like, “You’re burning up!” We took my 23. Parents’ worst 31. More than one temperature, and it was 97.993ºF. Our 24. The show must 9. Best friends producer suggested we round up, and the nightmare _____ 12. Rod Stewart’s 35. If a tree falls in a forest rest is history.) 25. Wallet space elementary school 26. Holiday in June 36. Year Christina Accomplishments 27. Typical weather in Aguilera lost dignity • As the World Turns (Hot Guy #3) 27. Short on this 17. Drink for people • Deflowering Jessica 28. Adjective without a throat Russia 41. Times New Roman? • VH1’s 25 Hottest Under 25 • NOW That’s What I Call Music!: The Best Videos of 2003

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14 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com FONDLING BATS since 1997 features • 15 The 26 Riverside he worst part about tion with anybody who Tthe 26 Riverside/5 acknowledges his pres- Woodrow route is the ence. Occasionally, one Woman in the Motor- of them boards the bus ized Wheelchair. smelling like pot, and all It’s clockwork: Every the cool people share a day, 5:30 pm, on Gua- guarded smile. (You are dalupe just past 15th cool, right?) Street. The driver clears But Sober-Stink out- the entire front section does them all. He — I’ll of the bus — both sides Todd Nienkerk use the male pronoun EDITOR emeritus — folds up the benches, exclusively, as even the and buckles her in like an overloaded, most belligerent womyn shouldn’t strap-winched bed of a Ford Ranger. be offended by exclusion — breeds Okay, so she’s not the worst part. the toe-curling stench of taint after It’s not her fault. She’s gotta use the a week of rustic camping next to a bus to get home from work. The worst sulfur vent. He is the Phil Spector of part is the agonizing awkwardness of fetor: A pioneer of the Wall of Stink. watching all the other passengers sti- It’s a bit tragic, as he’s actually the fle eye-rolls as the driver shoos them: nicest of the bunch. He keeps to him- “Okay, people. Clear out!” Then they self and never rides the bus drunk. shuffle around in tiny circles, jos- Sober-Stink is doing his damnedest tling for a sliver of personal space to get straight, find a job, and climb in the aisles of the crowded bus. The out of poverty. But he reeks to high Woman in the Mo- hell and fouls up torized Wheelchair the entire ride with is the privileged his epic body odor, elite. She’s a vas- which sticks to the sal lord saddled seats like hot, wet across a mechani- When the world is chewing gum. cal stallion, rein- (How do Beer- Name: Stark & Stark [GEICO]; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black; Ad Number: 00019107 ing it herky-jerky destroyed by nuclear Drunk and Liquor- through the al- Drunk remain rel- most-too-narrow war, only two atively inoffensive folding doors. She’s things will survive: while Sober-Stink come to evict the “ induces dozens to serfs. cockroaches and CSI breathe through Wait — I take it franchises their mouths? back. There’s some- Does the liquor thing even worse they imbibe disin- about the 26/5: The fect them? Or does Obligatory Home- the sun’s UV rays less. If you ride it naturally destroy for at least half an hour, you’ll see one odor-producing bacteria as they or two. They board the bus discreetly, wallow on the steps of churches too heads hung low, and make open- Christian to kick them out? Such are palmed gestures to the driver under the unfathomable mysterious of Sci- muttered breath. The driver listens ence. And God. But mostly Science.) patiently for a moment, then waves Wait (again)! There’s something them on without having paid. They” more awkward than Motorized thank him and call him “Brother.” Woman, something more odious The Obligatory Homeless come in than the Obligatory Homeless: Peo- three varieties, each distinguishable ple Who Talk About CSI. by their unique scent: Beer-Drunk, Yup, they’re the worst. Liquor-Drunk, and Sober-Stink. Of When the world is destroyed by the three, Beer-Drunk is the least of- nuclear war, only two things will sur- fensive. He emits a vague, malt-like vive: cockroaches and CSI franchises. aroma that, if one concentrates hard Thankfully, everyone who’d wanna enough, can be mistaken for the watch CSI: Peoria or CSI: Asteroid pleasant odor of freshly baked bread. X847-B was consumed by radioactive Liquor-Drunk is much more dif- hellfire that melted their flesh like the ficult to ignore. The harsh vapors of Nazis’ in Raiders. Remember when $2 vodka waft from every pore of his they opened the Ark of the Covenant body. His hair, tucked into a once- and that one Nazi dude’s face melted? black baseball cap bleached gray Indiana Jones was all like, Hey, don’t with sweat and sun, smells of cheap look! and what’s-her-name was like, cigarettes. While Beer-Drunk keeps Why? but she trusted him and did to himself, Liquor-Drunk is bold it anyway and it saved her life? That enough to start a rambling conversa- was cool.

Flying’s not that hard, dude. features • 15 16 • THE ADVENTURES OF HALF-BAT HALF-MAN THE ADVENTURES OF HALF-BAT HALF-MAN • 17

16 • THE ADVENTURES OF HALF-BAT HALF-MAN THE ADVENTURES OF HALF-BAT HALF-MAN • 17 18 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2006 I feel empty inside, baby! Grasping desperately at the corporate ladder I can’t believe it’s already the next great game. March, BABY! This sea- Anything to replace the Will work for base plus stock options son has been UN-believ- noise of my wife calling more interaction with clients. If you the way, the last portion of the inter- able, but you better get me a junkie and my kids Eric Seufert ASSOCIATE EDITOR spent the summer at a consulting view is dedicated to allowing you to your dancing shoes on. trying to take my mon- firm, say you want to get into a more ask questions of the interviewer. And Coach K has the Cam- ey! You don’t know what hen I tell people that I’ve been quantitative field. If you helped con- you’d better have some. You need to eron Crazies jumping up it’s like to have to face Wbusy interviewing for full- struct a septic system in a poverty- emphasize your interest in the firm and down, Calhoun and your family when all time jobs, I’m never met with any stricken Latin American village with by inquiring about what it’s like to UConn are ready to play, you want to do is watch empathy or support. A lot of people your church, find me downtown this work there. Of course, asking a ru- and you can’t count out every college basket- outside of the business school don’t Thursday so I can buy you a drink. dimentary question reveals that you the guards at Villanova. ball game. I keep telling Dick Vitale understand interview dynamics in You just brought me one step closer didn’t adequately research the com- The fans are gonna go them I’m a cyborg who the first place, but I think there’s a to landing the job. pany before the interview. Craft your Sports announcer bananas! But not me, doesn’t know what love more fundamental misunderstand- The interview will inevitably shift questions carefully and solidify your BABY. Why? Because is, but they just don’t lis- ing to blame for being overwhelmed gears into technical questions. The relationship with God in the days be- there’s an empty chasm in my body ten. Dickie V has no family, BABY! by the recruitment process. If a job transition is awkward and abrupt fore you meet with the company. where my soul used to be! The coaches have been OUT- interview is akin to going on a blind because the interviewer needs to see Your last session will come to an OOOH! I can’t get over how amaz- standing this season. What a bunch date with a corporation, the date in a how good you are at thinking on your end, and you’ll be walked out of the ing this game is. Do we get paid for of tremendous role models for our finance interview would be a vasec- feet. The same goes for the heat lamp building. As easily as this experience this? It’s filled with diaper dandies, young athletes to look up to. They tomy specialist with an astigmatism. and Komodo dragon in the corner. came into your life, you’ll leave the of- PTP’ers, and SUPER SCINTILLAT- made college basketball into the And it’d take place in Hell. Technical questions can range fice to potentially never return. If you ING SENSATIONAL coaches. Un- sport that we all love. They also have Finance interviews are miserable. from mental math (“What’s 15 got the job, you can expect a phone fortunately, I’m a heartless machine made me into a blathering moron Forget the trite questions the head times 23?”) to accounting questions call within a week; if you didn’t, your completely devoid of human feeling, who can’t function in the real world. lifeguard asked when you applied (“Which financial statement might fate lies in a glib e-mail addressing so I can’t really enjoy it. Can’t feel any Isn’t there a game on somewhere, for your summer job at the pool: If have an entry that is the product of you as “Recent Applicant.” Loosen pleasure at all, BABY! No joy! BABY? an investment banker asks you what 15 and 23?”) to brainteasers (“If two your tie and hail a cab — it’s time to Basketball is all I do now — it’s I love to make my appearances. your greatest weakness is, the only trains were barreling toward each go home. You’re tired, you’re uncom- taken over my life, BABY. If there’s a Everywhere I go, people look at me appropriate answer is “making my other on a track, would they collide fortable, and, if you’re anything like game going on, I can’t help but watch and say, “Oooh, Dickie V. You got employers too much money.” after 15 times 23 minutes?”). The val- me, you’ll spend the next 20 hours it. I’ll want to talk about how great it made! Your job is to watch col- Every interview will start on the ue in being able to quickly multiply sitting in JFK airport because your both the coaches are, what nice kids lege basketball.” If only those people topic of your experience and how numbers or calculate hypothetical flight out of New York was canceled. the players are, and I’ll want to surf could take on the hysteric visions I it relates to the position you’re ap- collision times is underscored by the But hey, think of the light at the end around in all the crowds. I have to see in the deep recesses of my mind, plying for. If you interned in the ac- fact that no major investment bank of the tunnel — the opportunity to SNORT two lines just to come down BABY. Then they would know what counting department of a company, in the world can afford to provide its spend three years working 90-hour after games, BABY! 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Libra (September 23 – October 22) Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Cooperation isn’t always easy Everyone tells you to follow for Libras. Be a team player. your dreams, but it’s not that Taurus Prevent your conception. Build easy when one minute you’re (April 20 – May 20) a time machine, go back fifty You will soon discover that telling off your your boss and years, and murder your parents. Leo your perception of yourself the next you’re having group Pisces sex with Batman, John F. (July 23 – August 22) (February 19 – March 20) as a people person does not Gemini Life is love. Love is life. So love mean that you are outgoing (May 21 – June 21) Kennedy, and the chair from Pee This month your individuality You used to be a real night owl, Wee’s Playhouse. your life while you can, because will shine — but only when and friendly, but a ravenous you are about to get hit by a cannibal. now you’re a happy morning highly inappropriate. Be lark. Soon, you’ll be laid off Aquarius bus. prepared to lose your job, your Sagittarius and become an annoying (January 20 – February 18) wife, and the respect of your (November 22 – December 21) midafternoon parakeet who just Conflicts between what you Scorpio elders. At work, you will discover the shits all over everything. know and what you think you (October 23 – November 21) power of Mars is behind your know will cause you to realize When your parents said you Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Cancer that those middle-school could be anything you wanted words. However, due to Mars’ Anything is possible this (June 22 – July 22) rumors were true: You are a to be, they weren’t referring fatally high concentration month! Become an astronaut! Trust issues are not a problem fart-smelling alien from the to a sixth-level orchid magi in of carbon dioxide, your eyes A T-shirt vendor! A Junkie! Do for you, so go ahead and leave planet Ugly. Dungeons and Dragons. will explode and stain your it all! superiors’ $3,000 suits, forever the keys in the lock. ruining your clever PowerPoint Aries presentation. (March 21 – April 19) The jazz concert you are required to attend will provide you with insights on Miles Davis’ early work, Dizzy Gillespie’s influence on trumpet solos, and the fact that your Friday night is wasted watching pretentious musicians make unhip music.

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26 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com FONDLING BATS since 1997 features • 27 I can’t get enough Owen Wilson I’ve seen a lot of er or Vince Vaughn movies, so I know movies. Their talent what works and what is almost on par with doesn’t. I dissect even the brothers Wilson. the most complex plots They should be cast down to their basic el- in some of the sup- ements. And if there’s porting roles, to form one thing I’ve noticed, a team of hilarity that the line between a would be unstoppable. huge blockbuster and I mean, Owen Wilson a Gigli-style flop hinges can’t play EVERY role on one variable: Owen in a movie. Wilson. Roger Roekel Oh my God, Will I’ve done the re- amateur movie critic Ferrell! I completely search, people. Think forgot about him. It’s of every good movie ever made — each been like two months since his last one has Owen Wilson in it. Hollywood, movie. I’ve been following him since if you want your movie to succeed, you his SNL days, and I have to say, he is need Ol’ Crooked Nose in no less than SO close to Owen as far as humor goes. a supporting role or extended cameo. I honestly think that maybe he could Some will say that this kind of formu- carry a movie on his own. Hollywood laic thinking is force-feeding America should really take notice of this formi- the same recycled humor. They could dable newcomer. not be more wrong. Not only am I not Unfortunately, while Ben, Vince, tired of Owen, I wouldn’t mind seeing and my man Will continue to light up more of his brother Luke, preferably the big screen, the studios have made in the same flicks. But I suppose that little effort to cast Owen in more lead- would be too much to ask. Such a film ing roles. Heck, he only has three mov- would have so much laughter and she- ies scheduled for release in 2006. Owen nanigans on the actual set that I can’t will never be able to gain a following imagine production ever wrapping. with so few screen appearances. So if Now, I’m not just another diehard anyone out in Hollywood is listening, fan. (Even though I am.) I accept that consider this my formal appeal. I’m other talented actors exist. For in- begging you, for the love of God, give stance, I’d LOVE to see more Ben Still- me more Owen Wilson!

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Spring Break? More like Spring Bake. features • 29 30 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2006 AROUND CAMPUS leave me. As an escaped convict, I did Whenever I think of Jimmy not appreciate last month’s Libowitz seeing his pimped mailbag around campus “People wear- out bike and exclaiming “This ing sunglasses on cloudy days defies my understanding of concerns and are actually wanted felons.” logic!” I become very, very Please remember, pedophiles emotional. Just imagine! A sin- praise from our on-the-run are people, too. gular bicycle equipped with literate public Now I fear for my life daily. new chrome KMC spinners, John Smith a jet engine, and a 26-inch WHAT COULD MAKE otic schmuck. To the Travesty: social cripple. Texas Travesty, I Anywhere, USA plasma television! I cannot JENNIFER ANISTON’S What happened to recogniz- suggest you cease taking cat- comprehend the totality of its LIFE WORSE ing real heroes like firemen, naps on your bed of lies and BLING MY BIKE awesomeness! Dear God! I had always believed the Trav- policemen, and teachers? If do some freakin’ research. I am not quite sure what it Michael Buckman esty to be a loving, sensitive you’re a “fan of the smell,” Mr. Thanks to you unfunny fib- was that made me cry so long Seattle, Washington magazine. Then I read your Spincycle, perhaps you should bers, my dorm is now known and hard after reading “Bling My Bike.” All I know is that by Got questions for us? mockery of Jennifer Aniston stop and smell the freedom as Studio Fifty-for-Losers. Ask, but know that contracting Vomit Sweating those men’s lives paid for you Ted Allen the end, I was blubbering so abstinence is the answer [email protected] Disorder (VSD.) First of all, to steal my wife’s sequined, Austin loudly, my wife threatened to VSD is highly unhumorous. edible undies. Secondly, I have VSD. Thirdly, Rick Eisen editorial cartoon you have just lost yourself a Austin by Dave Schwab reader, because I’ve realized you are stricken with a disease JUST PLAIN MADD far worse than VSD — Heart Did you actually accept mon- Full of Poo-Poo Syndrome. ey from someone who is OK Jaime Huntington with legalizing drunk driving? San Diego, California Your opinion obviously has taken a turn for the worse. To SMOKED OUT publish the “Legalize Drunk You potheads need to clear Driving Now!” ad is a blatant the smoke and pay heed to the display of impaired judgement. drug that inspires all of your You crossed the line this time. material. By publishing the I suggest veering sharply back article “Friend who smoked to good sense, or you just pot dead, says father,” you may find yourself thrown out are perputuating the negative on the street without any stigma that surrounds an in- readers. nocent drug. Seriously, I know Mary Hentzon that you’re all potheads. No Tulsa, Oklahoma one can come up with your “funny” material without be- NO BONES ABOUT IT ing stoned. Think before you Where can I find those dog propogate this sort of thing, purses? They are so cute! or maybe you’d rather the One more thing: Why did you dime-bag hidden inside a filing make fun UGGs? They are to- cabinet in your office have an tally fine for the winter sea- even sharper penalty. son. Walter T. Young Lauri Jones Portland, Oregon Austin

STEVE SPINCYCLE GUIDE TO GETTING Do you honestly think it’s THE MOST OUT OF appropriate to endorse YOUR DORM troublesome characters like After attempting to turn my Mr.Spincycle? Anyone who dorm room into a “happenin’ compares a gruesome day in night club” — as you suggest- American history to stealing ed — I’ve been transformed girls’ panties is an unpatri- from a suave freshman to

30 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com FONDLING BATS since 1997 community • 31 local comedy THE COMEDY SHOWCASE improvisors and fellow audience members. Ev- THE GREAT MUNDANE These folks are the cream of the improv crop! eryone is welcome to get on stage and partici- A boy trapped in a well. A talking dog. A serial Watch what happens when these improvisors pate. Saturdays after Maestro. The Hideout Theater, killer on the loose. Join the edgy world of The get the night to themselves to do whatever they 617 Congress, 443-3688. Free. Great Mundane as they present ONE epic story please. Only teams with a proven Austin following in SEVEN shows. Could this truly be the greatest get this prime-time slot. Thursdays at 8pm. The THE NOTORIOUS OPEN MIC improv ever told? Saturdays at 8pm and Thursday, Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. $7-$10. Sure, open mic night attracts some wack comics March 23 at 8pm. The Hideout Theatre, 617 Con- week after week, but it’s worth sitting through gress, 443-3688. $7-$10. THE FRIDAY IMPROV THREEFER the terrible acts to get to see all-stars like The Austin Improv Collective specialty: three Kerri Lendo, Chuck Watkins, and Matt Bearden. ESTHER’S FOLLIES improv teams perform in rapid-fire succession for Thursdays at 10pm. The Velveeta Room, 521 Sixth, Part magic show, part vaudeville review, part the price of one! Sounds like a veritable sampler 469-9116. $5. improv tour-de-force, Esther’s Follies takes no of funny. Fridays at 8pm. The Hideout Theater, 617 prisoners, offering biting satire on all the news Congress, 443-3688. $7-$10. PATTON OSWALT makers and events fit to parody. Thursdays at Patton Oswalt may look like a hobbit, but at least 8pm, Fridays and Saturdays at 8 & 10pm. Esther’s THE AUSTIN STYLE SHOW he’s appeared on various HBO and Comedy Follies, 525 E 6th St, 320-0553 for reservations. $20, Two improv teams come together to perform Central specials. Brendon Walsh won Funniest student discounts available. one specific style. Some past examples include Person in Austin in 2004, and if Doug Mellard’s the Living Room, the Harold, and the Musical. middle name was Earl, his initials would be D.E.M. DT FEST Plus, there are new styles every week! Fridays at Thursday, March 16 at 8pm, Friday, March 17 and Trouble committing to just one brand of comedy? 10pm. The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. Saturday, March 18 at 8pm and 10:30pm. Cap City DT Fest features two improv teams, two sketch $7-$10. Comedy Club, 8120 Research Blvd, 467-2333. $15, comedy groups, and two stand-up comedians, $18. offering you a kind of freedom that other monthly THE CAGEMATCH festivals simply don’t. Thursday, March 30 at 8pm. Two teams enter, one team leaves. The ultimate THE SINUS SHOW: CHOOSE YOUR The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. improv showdown where teams face off and the OWN ADVENTURE! $7-$10. audience votes on the winner. Winner returns the It’s like Mystery Science Theater minus the looming following week. With stage time at stake, teams threat of robot domination. Audience members COLDTOWNE PROM put their best foot forward. Fridays at 11:30pm. bring a DVD copy of their favorite awful movie. This is not a joke! So find your best formalwear The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. Remember: If yours is picked, the odds of your and get yourself a date who puts out. Hosted by $7-$10. date giving you a hand job increase greatly. Sunday, your senior class reps, the Coldtowne Heroes. March 26 at 7pm. Downtown Alamo Drafthouse Sunday, March 12 at 8pm. The Space, 4803 Airport MAESTRO Cinema, 409 Colorado, 476-1320. $10.50. Note: Also Blvd, 450-1966. Free. It’s every improviser for himself in this high-ener- check out The Sinus Show: Flashdance in March. gy series of improv games. Join the audience and NATIONAL LAMPOON’S DON’T MESS eliminate players one by one, Survivor style. The WHIRLED NEWS TONIGHT WITH SKETCHES last one standing is declared Maestro! Saturdays at “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” Austin’s most Last semester, UT students put together a hilari- 10:00pm. The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443- incisive comedians satirize the week’s news and ous sketch comedy show as part of the first ever 3688. $7-$10. world happenings. Read all about it! Audience National Lampoon Master Comedy Class. Don’t members select articles to be used during hilari- Mess with Sketches is set to air on the National THE LATE NIGHT JAM ous improv show! Saturdays at 10:30pm, beginning Lampoon college network and online some time An open improv jam where members of the April 1. The Hideout Theatre, 617 Congress, 443- in late March, but check out the first sketch audience play games and scenes with experienced 3688. $10 for students. “Walker, Texas Professor” online at togatv.com.

Beware the wrath of the nerd

Parliament: Stuffy British politicians or classic, retro funk? You decide. community • 31