conGRATULATING OURSELVES SINCE 1997

September 2005 October 2005 November/December 2005

February 2006 March 2006 April/May 2006 THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT MASTURBATIONISSUE

editor-in-chief Kristin Hillery LIECRABB LIECRABB LIECRABB managing editor bradley Jackson K KUT’s busiest studentK design director Y Y Y David Strauss : Thanks for giving us a few minutes had to try to squeeze some studying in late Monday night. Of course Tuesday night is $1 beers at associate elizabeth Barksdale of your time. Cain and Abel’s. Oh, and six of my friends have turned 21 this month. editors Kathryn Edwards Eric Seufert UT’s Busiest Student: I said one minute, so now TT: How do you stay organized with all of that going on? Stephen Short you’ve got 56 seconds. UTBS: I only drink soy milk and eat whole-wheat bread, which keeps keeps my memory sharp. writing staff mike Faerber TT: What kind of stuff are you busy doing? Every morning I do 25 bicycle kicks to get my blood moving, I have an electronic calendar to Jen Goldstein remind me of important dates, and I try to only get Sara Kanewske UTBS: My boyfriend’s Cowboys formal was on Kelsey Lamb Monday, so last week I had to find a dress and black-out drunk two, maybe three times a week. Toby Salinger make sure I had an appointment to get my hair TT: Do you find that your hectic schedule alienates Laura Schulman and nails done. Tuesday I had a psych test, so I you from other people? Christie Young contributing mike Barajas UTBS: Totally. How do you relate to someone writers Mark Tisdale who has three tests in a week, has to make her copy chief Stephanie Bates boyfriend a birthday present, and is vice president design staff Mark Estrada of the Business Club? It’s put a huge strain on my Ryan Flores friendships. Todd Mein TT: How do you deal with the stress of being so busy? Adam Shackleton TJ Sharp UTBS: I take a nap every afternoon and watch Samantha Soper Gilmore Girls. I have to TiVo it, though. Christina Vara advertising erica Grundish apocalypse was opened the day rolling backpacks • No matter how much you pay for tuition and fees, webmaster mike Kantor were invented. you will never, ever print anything on campus for administrative Sandy Arriaga assistants • Professors die a little each time you turn around to free. Jacqueline Fitzgerald look at the clock and sigh. • Business students whose ethics education includes Travis Henning around Kate Krueger • Girls in ruffled skirts will prove yet again that learning how to spin negative news will find Joel Lucas Old Navy commercials can still reach the college themselves at absolutely no risk of contracting an Garrett Rowe demographic of pre-soccer wife. STD. CONTRIBUTING Janice Chan campus • Playgrounds will become depressing when you • The watered-down soap in campus bathrooms EDITORS Ryan B. Martinez realize you’re too tall for the monkey bars, the will slip through your fingers and go down the Todd Ross Nienkerk • Freshmen who have put on the infamous Freshman swings pinch your ass, and you’ll be working until drain, just like the chances of you ridding your Jill Morris 15 won’t feel so bad once they hear about how you’re 65. hands of toilet germs. many of their old high school friends have put on • Pet names should not be recycled from one • There is no way to sit comfortably in Garrison. contact the Pregnant 40. boyfriend to the next. • Campus construction will not end until every phone (512) 471-7898 • The Not-By-Choice Virgin Association will • While hustling to class with a heavy backpack on, viable shortcut is eradicated. email [email protected] be meeting in RLM Mondays, Wednesdays, and a student compensates his running style to that of a • Students who complain about 9am classes web www.texastravesty.com Fridays, from 8pm until the end of their lives. raptor in the heat of a hunt. shouldn’t begin their weekends on a Wednesday. mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin • When an artsy girl reading The Curious Incident • Sweaty neck rolls will infiltrate classes. Just be glad • Fat guys wearing neither sweatpants nor Big p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 of the Dog in the Night-Time trips over her patent you can’t see their haunch. Daddy T-shirts are really sticking it to the man. editors emeritus leather Mary Janes, everyone will feel a little bit • While walking down the , economics students • You have learned how to shut your alarm off Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen better about themselves. will argue over which homeless person gives them without waking up, and that’s something to lose 1997 2001-2003 • The Seventh Seal that signals the beginning of the the most bang for their buck. sleep over. Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud volume 8 2000-2001 legalese BEST OF 2005-2006 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, Construction site? More like seduction Wendy’s in the Union with best friend The irony! That same evening, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of site! Sophomore Missy Havermeyer Sarah Eichaufenstein. Sarah, mean- Wrigley’s BFF, Jennifer Flores- (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where and junior Kyle Berkowitz were while, stuck to a plain baked potato Highsmith, burned a bag of popcorn public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to spotted crawling out of the restricted and a side salad with no dressing beyond recognition at the I Eta Pi any persons living or dead is coincidental. The Blanton Museum site, their hair amess as she digested an ultimatum from sorority house. The funky smell that views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the and their backs studded with the rub- boyfriend Stan Friedmanton: Lose quickly permeated throughout the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much ble of passion! We guess the hats aren’t five pounds or else! Looks like Sarah entire place was allegedly worse than anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for the only hard things over there! should take a cue from PTS and give the stench of six hungover I Phelta Thi readers under 18 years of age, regardless of Speaking of hard times . . . Eric Stan the boot — just like they did brothers on your kitchen floor first the pretty pictures. Stewart-Kingsley has finally decided after his third ticket for parking in a thing in the morning! to resign from his position as trea- handicapped spot without a permit. And that burned bag of Orville shout outz to... Finding a used condom (with wrapper) outside surer of Democratic Students for Too hot to handle! The recent fire Redenbacher’s wasn’t the only thing the office door; mothers at student organization Democracy. Cindy Karp, his oppo- alarm at Jester East was no accident. that got popped last night! Rumor fairs who scold their children for taking Travesty issues; old men who take our cookies; all nent and DSD’s former media direc- Blake Hassleton pulled the alarm in has it that sophomore Katy Heslerr the prefrosh holding “How to come out to tor, discovered two weeks ago that a fit of anger after seeing his girlfriend finally agreed to let her boyfriend of your conservative roommate” brochures who Eric had been stuffing the ballot box. Sarah Wrigley cozying up to her old 10 months, Kyle Fisherwills stick visit our table; superfluous kitchens; saving enough to buy a soda by submitting sales Ballot boxes weren’t the only things flame Johnny Hinderfitz. And let us his corn cob in her. Wonder how much taxes on time; the global warming up to stuffed, as Cindy was reportedly seen just say that Hassleton’s rage wasn’t buttering up he had to do first? product placement; vanity Wikipedia articles; the WELL; flame threads going back to 1997; directly after the election eating three the only thing that was white hot and slides into oblivion; hidden sites that spring junior bacon cheeseburgers at the all over the place! Got gossip? [email protected] up; Google spamming; putting buttons where they’re supposed to be; affiliates; “enhanced” security; mania; making mistakes; advertorials; Centerspread Travesty Girl Fall Flowchart Centerspread Illustrations Todd Nienkerk “complicated” relationships on Facebook; BEST OF Veronica Hansen Samantha Soper (layout) Kristin Hillery Kristin Hillery Lesley Dixon John Roper revealing summer internships; bedrooms that Mike Kantor Bradley Jackson Adam Shackleton Chris Friend Stephen Short aren’t; friendly realtors; getting run over by Jill Morris Bling My Bike David Strauss Veronica Hansen Samantha Soper VAN; almost sending form letters to $30,000 2005-2006 Samantha Soper Kristin Hillery (photos) Melinda Menstrual Kristin Hillery David Strauss donors; interns who are Republicans but Mike Kantor Dog Purses Mike Kantor definitely do not remind everyone twice a day; Frat Guys/Pictures TJ Sharp HOV Lane Mike Kantor Todd Mein Horoscopes taco sandwiches past their prime; and all hopes that this week’s surgery helps Amy feel better. credits JJ Hermes (photos) Christina Vara Todd Ross Nienkerk Samantha Soper Jill Morris Chris Friend © 2005-2006 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 NEWS • 3 Sixth-year senior has never attended UT football game Aberration of nature elicits shock, disgust from family, friends, complete strangers Elizabeth Barksdale remarked one of Feffer’s talking about how they have a good associate editor former roommates, who program in economics or some crap asked to remain anony- like that. Completely ridiculous.” CAMPUS — During a lunchtime mous. She added, “Of course, I’m only conversation in the Texas Student “I even offered to get dating him because he needs some- Union, Robert Feffer, a second-year him tickets. But you know one to take care of him in his last senior and aberration of human na- what he said? He said it days, before he succumbs to the ture, revealed last week that he had was ‘sort of lame’ for us brain affliction that is slowly, sys- never been to a UT football game. students to have to draw. tematically robbing him of his san- “I’ve always been too busy with Christ, what a freak. It’s ity.” studying or working, or, you know, a fucking privilege to see When asked to comment on Fef- clubs and partying, to care about our team beat the hell out fer, his 15 senior seminar classmates football,” said Feffer, seemingly un- of everyone else! We’re made the same reply, speaking in aware of the shock and horror shak- lucky we don’t have to kill perfect unison: “Robert Feffer is ing proud Longhorn fans who over- for tickets — yet, anyway. terribly misguided. He doesn’t un- heard his statements. Hook ’em!” derstand school spirit. No good “After this dude said that horri- Feffer’s family is par- will come to him. ble, horrible thing, the whole room ticularly ashamed of his are upon you. The eyes of Texas are went completely silent. Some people abnormal disregard for upon you!” dropped their food, and I could football. Asked recently about his feelings definitely hear a few people sobbing “I don’t understand it,” on UT’s sweeping victory over the uncontrollably,” said witness Josh said his father, John Fef- University of Oklahoma Sooners, Newterflant, hugging himself and fer. “He’s a second-gen- Is this the dawn of the internally dead or what? Feffer merely shrugged. shuddering at the memory. eration Longhorn! His “Hmmm. There was a game that As the only UT student to never mom and uncles were textbook can tell him what kind of orange and getting caught up in the weekend? Yeah, maybe I heard attend a Longhorn football game in Longhorns. One time we all drove genetic abnormality provokes a son mass hysteria. At the end of the day, about that.” 107 years, Feffer represents a mali- over 400 miles to Austin to tailgate to forsake his family and all that it’s just a game,” said Feffer, adjusting Feffer will likely finish his double cious deviance that calls forth the and then go to a game. But Richard matters in life.” the UT baseball cap he has no right major in psychology and chemical darkness that lies at the heart of the said he was getting over the flu and Young Robert Feffer remains in to wear. engineering this May, after which he human condition, said fellow Long- had to catch up on biology home- his own little world. “He’s insane,” said girlfriend will hopefully remove his anoma- horns. work.” “I just don’t see the point of get- Misty Botchtar. “One time I was say- lous, shit-sucking presence from the “I kept trying to get him to go,” He added, “I hope his biology ting dressed up head to toe in burnt ing how OU sucked, and he started University of Texas forever. Local coffee shop not inherently pretentious Music selection, coffee mugs available at Wal-Mart Stephen Short After admiring a series of portraits Arachnid Abode as an excellent place associate editor near the entrance depicting the devil to eat and study. receiving fellatio from Vice President “I was choking on a piece of my AUSTIN — Freshman Neil Samberg Cheney, Samberg walked to the coun- sandwich, but before I had a chance ventured into a coffee shop that was ter to order a sandwich and coffee. to ask for help, one of the cashiers not inherently pretentious Thursday “There was nobody in line ahead jostled me into a wall,” said a grateful evening, as he sought a laid-back en- of me, but the two cashiers working Samberg. “I am forever indebted to vironment in which to study for his behind the counter were engaged in him. If it weren’t for his quick think- macroeconomics final. a lively discussion concerning nou- ing, I would be dead.” “I was headed for the PCL when I veau post-modern sculpture in Chile Arachnid Abode cashier Mark Ma- saw a sign for Arachnid Abode Cof- from 1964 to 1967, so I let them talk,” sonsill clarified Samberg’s account of fee House,” recalled Samberg. “This explained Samberg. “I was happy to the incident. gender studies major who lives in my stand there for eight minutes as they “I was hanging a picture of Ralph dorm is always talking about it, so I finished their debate — it gave me Nader above the cash register when I thought I’d go in and check it out.” time to choose what kind of coffee I noticed someone holding a Starbucks Clad in a Rose Bowl championship wanted.” mug,” recalled Masonsill. “I bolted for T-shirt, jean shorts, and knee-high Samberg added: “Those guys sure the mug, but some inconsiderate dork socks with sandals, Samberg noted know their Chilean post-modern with corporate clothing was standing the “friendly atmosphere” as several s c u lptu re .” in my way.” patrons flashed him a cursory glance. Finally ordering an $8 hummus Masonsill continued: “I had to “Usually when you walk into a cof- sandwich and a $5 iced caramel mo- shove him to the floor, but I was fee shop, no one acknowledges your cha latte with non-dairy soy creamer, able to get that Starbucks mug out of presence,” said Samberg. “But this Samberg scoured the store for an h e re .” guy in a sweater vest actually took the available seat. Arachnid Abode patron Jane Ray time to callously gaze at me. That’s “It didn’t really bother me that ev- disagrees with Samberg’s positive re- special.” ery seat was taken. It just means that view. “They were playing Dashboard there’s a heavy demand that the store “This place has sold out,” com- Confessional on the speakers, too, is meeting,” said Samberg. “As an plained Ray. “I thought they were n By municipal order, lifting one’s pinky constitutes physical labor within which is awesome,” said Samberg. “I economics major, I realize that’s free- playing Dashboard Confessional to Austin city limits. Photo/Travesty played acoustic guitar back in high market capitalism at it’s finest.” be ironic, but when that frat guy with school, so I know where this guy is Despite the lack of seating that the football shirt came in and started ally turned the volume up and played Ray added: “They don’t even use coming from.” evening, Samberg fervently endorses rocking out to the music, they actu- more of the CD.” Columbian fair-trade coffee beans.” “no” means “convince me.” NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006 dirtybriefs done dirt cheap Ann Coulter refuses to apply rash ointment ‘liberally’ NEW YORK — Conservative pundit Ann Coulter recently balked at directions on the label of a tube of topical ointment she was prescribed to treat an inner-thigh rash. The directions, which read “apply liberally to af- fected area, carefully avoiding scrotum,” were decried by Coulter as “disgusting, left-wing, joyless sex propaganda.” The acclaimed atten- tion whore then paused to yell random anti- immigration remarks from her fifth-floor balcony before continuing, “This is the most no-balls, misguided, ball-less excuse for med- ical treatment I’ve ever encountered!” She applied only a carefully measured, ineffective amount of the ointment to a cluster of ooz- ing pustules before smugly remarking, “This bleeding-heart attempt to usurp objectivity is even more pathetic than Clinton’s presi- dency.” Coulter then put out her cigarette on a journalist’s forehead and yelled, “Deal with it like a man, you castrated beaver twat!” Kim Jong ill CAMPUS — Humanities freshman Kim Jong has been out this past week with a stom- ach virus. She is expected to return to class on Friday.

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4 • news www.texastravesty.com MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 NEWS • 5 Freshmen settle into dorm rooms, relationships Proximity trumps genuine affection in on-campus dating Sara Kanewske Tim,” said Sweeny. “But after, like, nity bathroom and making forced the fifth time we had to squish smart-aleck remarks during wing staff writer into the elevator with all our stuff, meeting icebreakers soon turned CAMPUS — Upon reaching the I thought, ‘Well, his curly brown into a romantic relationship. cash register at the Jester City Lim- eyelashes really make up for the fact For Schuler, dorm dating has its cafeteria, freshman Tim Schuler that he’s a lot gawkier than I’d usu- helped reduce the effort and upkeep waved away hallmate Julie Sweeny’s ally find attractive.’ ” that a new relationship would usu- ID, instructing the cashier to instead Sweeny continued, “Both of our ally require. swipe his card through twice. parents were there, so I couldn’t be “It’s not like in high school where “Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” he as- too obvious. But I made a mental you have to get up the nerve to ask sured his girlfriend of three weeks. note to write ‘Come on in — we the girl out, figure out something Schuler and Sweeny met as they love to meet new people!’ on my to do or even pay with real money,” were moving into their neighboring d o or.” Schuler explained. “With this rela- Jester West dorm rooms. What began as shyly making eye tionship, I just bang on Jenny’s door “At first, I barely even noticed contact on the way to the commu- when I’m going down to the caf- eteria, make sure my parents have added enough Bucks and we’re Elevator Etiquette good to go.” Although cynics might see Swee- • Floors 1-4: Don’t take the elevator • The buttons won’t work unless you ny and Schuler’s relationship as “set- — unless you’re an athlete. More rapidly press them 30 times. tling” for one another, Schuler is filet mignon, sir? • Girls will like you if you let them quick to dispute this claim. • That sweet zero-gravity feeling is off first. That is, if they actually “It’s not like I just started dating totally worth making your whole floor noticed you at all. the first girl I met at UT,” said Schul- hate you for breaking the elevator and • If you ride with a stranger, it’ll be er. “I actually had a thing for this girl trapping them for 8 hours. less awkward to pretend you’re blind I met during orientation. But she • Guaranteed popularity trick: Spill than to have small talk. lives in Kinsolving now, which is a a plate of French fries and country • A box without windows or outside million miles away on the other side n Are you a robot? of campus. We still see each other gravy on the floor. air circulation is the perfect place to at our FIG, but our living situation ties. and spends half an hour asking me • If you’re radiating post-workout let out a rip-roaring fart. is just too much of an obstacle for a “Neither of them has a car, so whether it would be too obvious for B.O., please take the stairs. Unless • Follow the guy with the clinking serious relationship.” they don’t ever actually go anywhere her to stop by.” you’re an athlete, in which case it duffel bag. He can’t wait to share the Despite the couple’s optimism, on dates,” said Brooks. “And every Brooks continued, “It’s going to smells like victory and hyacinths. empty space in his room (and soul). Sweeny’s roommate Lesley Brooks time we hear a girl’s voice com- be really, really awkward when they has noticed some possible difficul- ing from next door, Julie freaks out break up.”

Name: Yellow Rose; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black; Ad Number: 00021524 Interracial cop partners lack relationship dynamics, clever banter QUEENS, NY — Jim Sparks, an officer in the New York Police Depart- ment, noted yesterday to longtime friend Harold Spencer that he lacked any sort of dynamic relationship or clever banter with his new African-Ameri- can partner, Wes Jackson. “Wes and I have a surprisingly professional and courteous relationship,” said Sparks as he deftly stroked his moustache. “We mainly just talk about work, instead of arguing about humorous race-re- lated issues or the difference between hip hop and rock ’n’ roll.” Jackson, a 10-year veteran to the department, is described by colleagues as “sharp,” “professional” and “by the books,” rather than “garrulous,” “reckless” and “over-the-top,” as Sparks had originally expected. “I was hoping his loud- mouthed street smarts combined with my gruff exterior and rugged in- dividualism would create a unique crime-fighting super force capable of bringing down notorious drug lords and crooked politicians,” said Sparks. “But instead we got stuck with traffic duty.” High-school football coach aptly uses current events to deride poor performance DAYTON, Ohio — Sophomore wide receiver Michael “Brownie” Brown received a harsh lesson on the effectiveness of incorporating news into in- sults after he dropped a pass that would have given his team a victory over their cross-city rival Briarwood. “It was a perfect pass,” said quarterback Andrew Magee. After the game ended, Coach Larry Slaughter gathered the team and gave a post-game talk. “He told us that we all played a great game, and we didn’t have anything to be ashamed of,” Brown said. “But then he pointed at me, and said in the most sarcastic voice, ‘Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.’ The rest of the team erupted into laughter. It was the worst experience of my life.” Slaughter refused to deny reports that he intends to force Brown to quit the team.

Parliament: Stuffy British politicians or classic, retro funk? You decide. NEWS • 5 6 • news texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006 dirtybriefs Name: Buffalo Exchange Wrap It Up; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black; Ad Number: 00021083 done dirt cheap

Boehner rises, will meet Bush washington, d.c. — Representative John Boehner of Ohio, who was elected House Majority Leader last month in a close 122-109 vote, will meet with President Bush this week to discuss GOP strategy for the upcoming year. Political analyst and former Crossfire host Tucker Carlson called the Boehner election “enormous,” explaining that Boehner will “re- ally have to rise to the occasion to fill the publicity gap created by DeLay’s ouster.” Boehner addressed concerns over his ability to aptly manage his newfound responsibilities at a press conference Friday. “The Boehner pol- icy will be one of sustained growth; as new blood rushes through the head of the Boehner advisory staff, we will penetrate the restraints imposed on us by left-wing sycophants.” Boehner’s ascent to majority leader prompted him to assume a larger advisory staff. Among his new appointments is longtime friend and famed political consultant Tim Ballz.

Wedding vows delay access to open bar downtown — Guests at the union of Dan Medina and Keegan Hill last Saturday complained that the ceremony was “a sappy waste of pre- cious boozin’ time.” Though the couple wrote their own vows, maid of honor Valerie Trevelson declared that she’d rather “slide naked down a mountain of dirty syringes” than hear Medina claim Hill’s love “took him higher than any drug ever could.” Trevelson added, “All that rambling about drugs got me jonesin’ for some liquor.” Father of the bride Damien Hill recalled: “They just kept going on and on, like it was their special day or something. You can’t entice a man by telling him there will be an open bar and then make him sit through an hour of that crap — it’s inhumane.” Although guests could not get to the open bar as quickly as they had an- Name: Regal Ent Group- TRADE; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black; Ad Number: 00021120 ticipated, the hotel’s valet staff noted that four out of five attendants left the reception smiling, laughing, and too drunk to drive.

Free candy in class a point of contention CAMPUS — While working on a history project Thursday, students Kyle Gennerton and Tim Simon engaged in a heated dispute about whether to bring candy to their class presentation. “We’re going to be giving a boring PowerPoint presentation about the Civil War,” explained Gennerton. “Ev- eryone’s totally going to fall asleep unless we pass out some Snickers be- fore we start.” Simon, however, feels that bringing “random candy” to his classmates only cheapens the impact of a presentation. “For God’s sake, what do mini M&Ms have to do with the Battle of Bull Run? It’s just a pathetic ploy to get some applause and a good peer evaluation,” grumbled Simon. The students’ professor, Dr. Harold Martinboke, commented that bringing candy to class would not affect anyone’s grade, although “a mid- morning sugar rush would really hit the spot.”

Ancient artifact found beneath teenager’s bed houston — Thirteen-year-old Matt Cantos discovered a small, rect- angular object with brown string hanging out of its plastic casing beneath his brother’s bed Monday after school. “Man, I knew Philip kept some cra- zy stuff under here, but I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Matt. Puz- zled by the strange artifact, which had the words “Rad Mix ’96” scrawled across it in permanent marker, Matt confronted his brother Philip about the find. “I hadn’t seen that mix tape in 10 years,” said Philip. “That tape had everything: ‘C’mon Ride the Train,’ ‘No Diggity,’ and even ‘I Believe I Can Fly.’ Man, those songs totally got me to second base with Marissa Walters.” Unfamiliar with the bands on the mix tape, Matt commented, “Oh, so that’s what that thing at the bottom of my stereo is for.”

6 • news www.texastravesty.com MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 features • 7

Turns out Clarissa didn’t actually explain very much at all. features • 7 8 • FEATURES texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006

Beware the wrathnerd of the

8 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 features • 9

My dad never took me camping. features • 9 10 • GOTH KIDS AT OU WEEKEND GOTH KIDS AT OU WEEKEND • 11 Our Red River Romp

10 • GOTH KIDS AT OU WEEKEND GOTH KIDS AT OU WEEKEND • 11 12 • FEATURES texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006

12 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 features • 13

They read Frat Guys: de Tocqueville They’re just like us!

Kinesiology sophomore Thomas Jackson ponders the emergence of They listen to aristocracy from industry. Celine Dion on their iPod

They casually ignore hobos. Government junior Steven Amber gets lost in “Because You Loved Me.” Classics sophomore samuel Ward holds his back pocket to keep change from jingling. They wear women’s clothing. They hide their Zima.

Spanish junior Lane Government senior Daniels surveys the Justin Klein pretends wide-open plains. to be a man.

Who ate all the matzo? features • 13 14 • FEATURES texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997

14 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 features • 15

www.texastravesty.comFisting is not another word for fighting. features • 15 16 • FEATURES texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006

What’s your fall class schedule? Are you Still searching for the perfect schedule for next semester? Whether you’re majoring in Anthropology vigorously pursuing or Zoology, we know what’s best for you. Just follow the arrows, you impressionable nitwit! an MRS degree?

Would you rather have Yes Start Here fun than feel accomplished?

Does your Yes Advertising 356: No thanks Of Booze Commercials major suck? course No Could that beer-guzzling frat guy who calls you Music 704: once every other No No Advanced Oboe week be the one? Performance Is the stock market the only thing you play? Accounting 327: Yes Scheduling Bowel Do you Movements have a trust fund? Yes Yes Early Education Studio Art: Through Grade 4 Drawing I Certification Want to start No No Yes smoking? Have you become a relativist yet? Yes Do your parents No refer to you as Do you hate money? “the other kid?” Perhaps No Are you into fashionable rebellion? Have you ever thought about just how Yes No much it would hurt to dive into a pool of gold coins like George McDuck did in DuckTales? Anthropology Yes 341: Everything as a Product of the Any RTF Have you Environment course Yes! No become an Yes atheist yet?

I hate good food Want to feel guilty about Want to be able to Do you have No your racist ancestors? steel robotic pupils? order like a champ at local taquerias? Yes You Want to feel should superior? Operating System Coding No

No Spanish 507 Si! Yes White Guilt 365: Confederacy: Separate Philosophy of or Equal? Being a Dick

16 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 features • 17

Taurus Aries (April 20 – May 20) (March 21 – April 19) It’s time to go This month you’ll change back to where your native tongue to it all began. horoscopes Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication the language of love! Too bad your However, speaking mom just got Leo Libra Sagittarius this language will her tubes tied. (July 23 – August 22) (September 23 – October 22) (November 22 – December 21) force several co- While you’ve always tried to You like to create music as Avoid omelets and workers to file channel Ghandi’s teachings, a powerful expression penises this month. sexual harassment this week will be especially of the beauty and Your eggs have suits against you. poignant when a freak slip of truth within the turned against you. the scalpel during your sex- human soul. Yeah, change operation causes you you and the Ying Capricorn Gemini (December 22 – January 19) (May 21 – June 21) to be the change that no one Yang Twins. If it is indeed wishes to see. Feel like an adventure? No need to go far! That true that the future Virgo Scorpio serial killer you’ve been belongs to those who believe (October 23 (August 23 – September 22) – November 21) hearing about in the news in the beauty of their dreams, When that automatically Well-behaved is standing behind you with a you should start getting ready flushing toilet doesn’t work women may rarely make bloody axe. Now go and run for years of grueling legal right away, you’ll reach back to history, but considering that into that creepy, haunted battles, because your creepy push the— Oh, wait, there it CPS is about to take away your forest where you’ll be safe! and extremely determined goes. neighbor just had a beautiful children, it’s probably a good Aquarius dream about stalking you. idea to start behaving just a little bit. (January 20 – February 18) In an attempt to avoid West Cancer Mall hecklers, you’ll schedule (June 22 – July 22) When you get fired all your classes on the opposite Pisces from your summer job side of campus, only to find (February 19 – March 20) After an unfortunate incident out of the blue, you out that all groups have involving a battery, cucumber, will end up selling your decided that the East Mall is and two-toned shorts, your cat forehead as advertising the new West Mall. will never be able to look at you space for fast cash. the same way again. Oktoberfest was BAD ASS By Drew Baelle 8:24 p.m. My ROOMMATE Lenny 6:41 a.m. WE ARE DEFINITELY PRETZEL STAND. 9:02 p.m. The BEER WENCH refused the hymen annihilator reminded me we were taking the NOT IN AMERICA. 11:04 a.m. A SECURITY GUARD tack- to accept my DOLLARS for the beer so I NIGHT TRAIN to Oktoberfest in 30 7:02 a.m. Got to OKTOBERFEST but led me and ESCORTED me out of the guess it was on the house. Must have been few of my minutes. We played some BEER PONG it didn’t open until 10. I bet LENNY he tent. I couldn’t think of a good word for a thank you for LIBERATING IRAQ. FRIENDS A to calm our NERVES for the five-hour couldn’t do JUMPING JACKS until the a fascist reactionary who values nation- 9:07 p.m. Lenny said to follow him convinced me to RIDE. park opened. ality and race above the individual and closely because my concept of FIGHT go to this thing 9:58 p.m. Got to the TRAIN STATION suppresses opposition through violence OR FLIGHT was IMPAIRED. called OKTOB- 10:03 a.m. That guy is in really good and bought three emergency BEERS and propaganda so I just called him a ERFEST in this shape. 9:08 p.m. Lost Lenny. because you never know if they’ll have DOUCHEBAG. town called 10:09 a.m. Some lady told us we had to 9:21 p.m. STOLE a little kid’s bike and them in Germany. GERMANY last get BEER in a TENT. I hope this place 11:16 a.m. Passed out in a followed the sound of a TRAIN WHISTLE. week. I didn’t 10:00 p.m. Realized the PRAGUE train isn’t like the CIRCUS because lions PLAYGROUND. 9:28 p.m. Ended up at a TRAIN want to go station is the one in OCEAN’S 12. scare the SHIT out of me. 5:15 p.m. Got WOKEN UP by some WHISTLE FACTORY. until they said 10:01 p.m. Became FURIOUS because 10:13 a.m. We ordered two STEINS woman screaming at me. 9:36 p.m. Made it to the STATION but it was a BEER George Clooney is a BITCH. of beer. I thought about BEN STEIN 6:26 p.m. Finally found Lenny in anoth- we missed our train. FESTIVAL and that the word festival 11:26 p.m. Got WOKEN UP by because that guy is HILARIOUS. Then er tent. A BAND started playing some THURSDAY means CELEBRATION. I didn’t even the border police asking me for my I thought about EUROTRIP. shitty or something so I started know places outside of AMERICA PASSPORT. I don’t know what the hell 10:26 a.m. I warmed up after screaming SKYNARD over and over. 8:27 a.m. Got back to PRAGUE and had BEER until I studied abroad in that is but I showed them the tattoo of a CHUGGING my steins so I asked 7:12 p.m. I got so angry at the music headed straight to a BAR because the PRAGUE this semester. Anyway, listen BALD EAGLE carrying an AMERICAN the BEER WENCH which tent had that I STOLE a TUBA and played train ride really killed my BUZZ. up because Drewsky is about to give you FLAG on my chest. the HARD LIQUOR. Apparently all FREEBIRD. My beer came after a min- 8:32 a.m. Holy shit is that a CASTLE? a GEOLOGY lesson. 11:27 p.m. Chugged a beer because Germans are PUSSIES because this ute though so I just pissed on a DRUM GODDAMN that tattoo is BADASS. place only served beer. and went back to my table. Oktoberfest was pretty tight. I bought a TUESDAY 10:30 a.m. Ordered seven STEINS to 8:26 p.m. A BEER WENCH brought sweet shirt that says OKTOBERPUKEN 7:32 p.m. Woke up and chugged some WEDNESDAY try and TRICK my body into thinking me a bratwurst and I asked her if that but I actually did puke on it later that ABSINTHE to make my headache go 6:32 a.m. Woke up and got off the it was DRUNK. was the biggest SAUSAGE she had ever night so I threw it out. I don’t know away. I didn’t see a green fairy like in TRAIN. We must have gone all the way 10:36 a.m. This BEER is actually pretty seen. She didn’t speak English though what happened to Lenny because I had the movie EUROTRIP but holy shit back to AMERICA because there’s a STRONG. so I just EXPOSED MYSELF to her. his passport in my pocket from when I that movie was funny. BURGER KING in the station. 10:52 a.m. PUKED in a URINAL. 8:49 p.m. Lenny said we had to go was showing some German chicks how 7:34 p.m. Took the EUROTRIP DVD 6:40 a.m. Some dude asked me and catch our train so I chugged a STEIN to he looks like John Stamos in his picture. out of my FIRST AID KIT and watched 11:02 a.m. Some ASSHOLE stole my LENNY if we were a couple of PARTY keep from HYPERVENTILATING on Anyway, I’m up in FLIP CUP. I hope you it. seat so I put him in a SLEEPER HOLD BOYS looking for some FUN. and then threw his BODY into a the way to the station. fruitcakes took notes.

Women like muscles because somebody’s got to squeeze their stupidity out. features • 17 18 • FEATURES texas travesty • BEST OF 2005-2006 An open letter to the man who stole my underpants After eating dinner the the start buttons and skipped through the the wet clothes, tucking every unmention- other night, I walked parking lot back to my place, tossing my able into your pockets and under your shirt. down three flights of empty basket in the air and dramatically The coldness of the metal bra hooks against stairs and across the catching it every few seconds. your freckled skin sent shivers all over your parking lot to the laun- “Wait right there, Sergeant Weaselbeans,” body as you bolted out the door to safety. dry room, carrying a you commanded your mangy German “Hahahahehaheheeheeee! Sheeit.” wicker basket over- shepherd, who took a break from scratch- Perfect timing, too — just when you flowing with clothes. ing his flea-bitten neck to acknowledge you slammed the door and collapsed on your You were watching me with a whimper. Tugging on a pair of old living room floor from exhaustion, I was Kristin Hillery the whole time from Wranglers that had been recently used to making my way downstairs with more Editor-in-Chief your first-floor apart- mop up a Spam spill on your kitchen floor, quarters and a couple of sheets of Bounce. ment, pushing apart the blinds with your you crept out the front door, closed it gen- You got up to look at me through the win- stubby fingers just enough to peek through tly with your greasy hands and hustled to dow again, though, but this time you were the window without anyone noticing. As I the laundry room, huffing and puffing the wearing my thongs like earmuffs as you separated my whites and colors, you used whole way there, your braided beard flying peered through the blinds. You watched me the Miller High Life–stained collar of your from your chin like a kite. frantically searching through the clothes, favorite Motorhead shirt to dry off your You tried to catch your breath while you my face bright red, until I finally gave up gray, braided beard — the sight of my stood in front of the washing machines, but and just sat on the dryer, crying. stringy thongs, lacey panties and strapless the excitement was overwhelming. When Seeing me this way started to get to you. bras caused a waterfall of saliva to pour out you finally opened up the two machines, “Jesus, maybe I shoulda just taken a couple from your toothless mouth. your eyes shifted rapidly from the treasures of ’em, or maybe I should leave some out- And then you licked your chapped lips, inside. “Sweet, three-tittied mother o’ Je- side her door,” you thought, scratching your nodding: “Niiiiiiiiiiice. Real nice.” sus!” tangled, thin hair, as a single tear rolled It was all too much for you to take in at Suddenly there were footsteps outside; down your scruffy cheek. once. A 21-year-old girl with dirty, filthy you dropped my favorite Gap T-shirt bra You sat in silence for a moment, thinking. lingerie, all alone in the laundry room with- back into the machine and froze, though You looked at the pile of my underwear sit- out anyone to share them with. you couldn’t keep your withered penis from ting in the corner of your apartment, then “We cain’t be havin’ that, now cain we?” wobbling in your jeans. back at me, still weeping on the dryer. you asked, your raspy voice echoing amidst Whew! You were just hearing things. Wiping your cheek dry with a pair of my the patio furniture and past due notices that “Well, sheeit, I’d better gather all these here satin panties, you turned to your dog, who decorate your musty apartment. lady drawers and take ’em home ’fore some- was scratching himself again. Your eyes were still glued to me when I body really does come in here,” you said “Naw, I cain’t give ’em back, Sergeant Wea- shoved quarters into the metal slots, pushed while you rummaged desperately through selbeans. I cain’t. They smell too good.” I’m the king of sensible fun ey, gang! I’ve heard some rumblings around the of- have critics throughout the greater Mid- HWhat’s on the fice about possibly dining at Dave ’n’ Busters west given it excellent reviews, but it also agenda for tonight? or even the Cheesecake Factory. Now, team, features such noted celebrity talent as John Got any plans? I I’m all about having fun — sensible fun — Leguizamo, Queen Latifah, and the affable don’t know about but I’m just not sure the above restaurants Ray Romano. you guys, but I could can compete with the moderately priced Okay, Darryl, you’ve made your point, go for some sensible, menu and laid-back dining environment at but I just don’t think it would be prudent to post-work dining. Chili’s. sneak some Wild Turkey and Xanax into a Did I hear some- No, Darryl. Hooters is out of the ques- midnight screening of Basic Instinct 2: Risk body say dinner and tion. We’re not young college bucks, unfor- Addiction. What’s the point in having sen- a movie? I sure hope tunately. sible fun if you can’t remember how sensible Jeffrey Simms so — I’ve been crav- Having worked in the supplies manage- it was the next day? just a sensible guy ing a Chili’s turkey ment business for seven years now, I’ve ob- Now, Darryl, it’s been a few weeks since burger and a Diet Coke since mid-afternoon. served that many worker-bees tend to drown I last perused the staff handbook, but I’m Whaddya say we all pile into my mid-sized their problems with a trip to the ol’ watering quite certain that “boner” and “blouse bun- Volvo wagon after work and grab a good hole for some adult beverages and a cancer nies” are not office-appropriate words. table before the evening rush hits? stick — but that’s just not my style. No, sir Whoa, Darryl, TMI. Too Much Informa- No, Darryl, you can’t call shotgun now. — as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing tion. That’s not how I play the game. like exchanging pleasantries over a couple of Okay, gang, so I guess we’ll reconvene in Don’t get too excited, team — we’ve still spinach and artichoke dips and southwest- the lobby a couple minutes after five. Get got 40 minutes of important work to do be- ern-style eggrolls to help relieve the stress of ready for some sensible fun courtesy of fore the weekend begins, and these spread- a busy yet highly productive day. yours truly. sheets aren’t gonna run macros on them- Yes, Darryl, that 24 show sure is exciting Oh, by the way, did any of you guys get selves. Trust me, group, once that minute television. I also wonder when Jack Bauer that forwarded e-mail I sent out about the hand hits five you’re all gonna forget about fits in a trip to the restroom. lawyer who goes to Heaven? Well, when you work. Why? Because I’m the king of sensible Now some of you have expressed concern get a free minute you should check it out and fun! that Ice Age 2: Meltdown is too tame of a film maybe forward it to other people. It gave me TGIF indeed, Darryl. for us to go see. I heartily disagree. Not only quite a chuckle.

18 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com MAKING THE BEST OF IT since 1997 features • 19

editorial cartoon mailbag by Todd Mein concerns and praise from our literate public

LAPTOP NOTE-TAKING man to social cripple. Texas Trav- I don’t know who’s running things esty, I suggest you cease taking over there, but I remember when cat-naps on your bed of lies and the Texas Travesty used to have sto- do some freakin’ research. Thanks ries that mattered. Now it seems to you unfunny fibbers, my dorm that the stories that make it to is now known as Studio Fifty-for- print are motivated by something Losers. other than journalistic reasons. Ted Allen Articles about laptops being used Austin for notes or rice found in a roll of quarters? Whatever happened AROUND CAMPUS to your integrity? You’d better get As an escaped convict, I did not back to iPod humor, or else you appreciate last month’s around might as well kiss your readership campus “People wearing sun- goodbye. glasses on cloudy days are actually Brian Belindaberg wanted felons.” Please remember, Havertown, Pennsylvania pedophiles on-the-run are people, too. Now I fear for my life daily. GUIDE TO GETTING THE John Smith MOST OUT OF YOUR Anywhere, USA DORM After attempting to turn my dorm room into a “happenin’ night club” Got questions for us? Ask, but know that — as you suggested — I’ve been abstinence is the answer transformed from a suave fresh- [email protected]

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Hot sex is better with cold oatmeal. features • 19