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Congratulating OURSELVES SINCE 1997 CONGRATULATING OURSELVES SINCE 1997 September 2005 October 2005 November/December 2005 February 2006 March 2006 April/May 2006 THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT MASTURBATIONISSUE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Kristin Hillery LIECRABB LIECRABB LIECRABB MANAGING EDITOR Bradley Jackson K KUT’s busiest studentK DESIGN DIRECTOR Y Y Y David Strauss Texas Travesty: Thanks for giving us a few minutes had to try to squeeze some studying in late Monday night. Of course Tuesday night is $1 beers at ASSOCIatE Elizabeth Barksdale of your time. Cain and Abel’s. Oh, and six of my friends have turned 21 this month. EDITORS Kathryn Edwards Eric Seufert UT’s Busiest Student: I said one minute, so now TT: How do you stay organized with all of that going on? Stephen Short you’ve got 56 seconds. UTBS: I only drink soy milk and eat whole-wheat bread, which keeps keeps my memory sharp. WRITING staFF Mike Faerber TT: What kind of stuff are you busy doing? Every morning I do 25 bicycle kicks to get my blood moving, I have an electronic calendar to Jen Goldstein remind me of important dates, and I try to only get Sara Kanewske UTBS: My boyfriend’s Cowboys formal was on Kelsey Lamb Monday, so last week I had to find a dress and black-out drunk two, maybe three times a week. Toby Salinger make sure I had an appointment to get my hair TT: Do you find that your hectic schedule alienates Laura Schulman and nails done. Tuesday I had a psych test, so I you from other people? Christie Young CONTRIBUTING Mike Barajas UTBS: Totally. How do you relate to someone WRITERS Mark Tisdale who has three tests in a week, has to make her COPY CHIEF Stephanie Bates boyfriend a birthday present, and is vice president DESIGN staFF Mark Estrada of the Business Club? It’s put a huge strain on my Ryan Flores friendships. Todd Mein TT: How do you deal with the stress of being so busy? Adam Shackleton TJ Sharp UTBS: I take a nap every afternoon and watch Samantha Soper Gilmore Girls. I have to TiVo it, though. Christina Vara advErtISING Erica Grundish apocalypse was opened the day rolling backpacks • No matter how much you pay for tuition and fees, WEBMASTER Mike Kantor were invented. you will never, ever print anything on campus for ADMINIstratIVE Sandy Arriaga ASSIstaNTS • Professors die a little each time you turn around to free. Jacqueline Fitzgerald look at the clock and sigh. • Business students whose ethics education includes Travis Henning around Kate Krueger • Girls in ruffled skirts will prove yet again that learning how to spin negative news will find Joel Lucas Old Navy commercials can still reach the college themselves at absolutely no risk of contracting an Garrett Rowe demographic of pre-soccer wife. STD. CONTRIBUTING Janice Chan campus • Playgrounds will become depressing when you • The watered-down soap in campus bathrooms EDITORS Ryan B. Martinez realize you’re too tall for the monkey bars, the will slip through your fingers and go down the Todd Ross Nienkerk • Freshmen who have put on the infamous Freshman swings pinch your ass, and you’ll be working until drain, just like the chances of you ridding your Jill Morris 15 won’t feel so bad once they hear about how you’re 65. hands of toilet germs. many of their old high school friends have put on • Pet names should not be recycled from one • There is no way to sit comfortably in Garrison. CONTACT the Pregnant 40. boyfriend to the next. • Campus construction will not end until every PHONE (512) 471-7898 • The Not-By-Choice Virgin Association will • While hustling to class with a heavy backpack on, viable shortcut is eradicated. EMAIL [email protected] be meeting in RLM Mondays, Wednesdays, and a student compensates his running style to that of a • Students who complain about 9am classes WEB www.texastravesty.com Fridays, from 8pm until the end of their lives. raptor in the heat of a hunt. shouldn’t begin their weekends on a Wednesday. MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin • When an artsy girl reading The Curious Incident • Sweaty neck rolls will infiltrate classes. Just be glad • Fat guys wearing neither sweatpants nor Big P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 of the Dog in the Night-Time trips over her patent you can’t see their haunch. Daddy T-shirts are really sticking it to the man. EDITORS EMERITUS leather Mary Janes, everyone will feel a little bit • While walking down the Drag, economics students • You have learned how to shut your alarm off Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen better about themselves. will argue over which homeless person gives them without waking up, and that’s something to lose 1997 2001-2003 • The Seventh Seal that signals the beginning of the the most bang for their buck. sleep over. Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud VOLUME 8 2000-2001 LEGALESE BEST OF 2005-2006 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, Construction site? More like seduction Wendy’s in the Union with best friend The irony! That same evening, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of site! Sophomore Missy Havermeyer Sarah Eichaufenstein. Sarah, mean- Wrigley’s BFF, Jennifer Flores- (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where and junior Kyle Berkowitz were while, stuck to a plain baked potato Highsmith, burned a bag of popcorn public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to spotted crawling out of the restricted and a side salad with no dressing beyond recognition at the I Eta Pi any persons living or dead is coincidental. The Blanton Museum site, their hair amess as she digested an ultimatum from sorority house. The funky smell that views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the and their backs studded with the rub- boyfriend Stan Friedmanton: Lose quickly permeated throughout the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much ble of passion! We guess the hats aren’t five pounds or else! Looks like Sarah entire place was allegedly worse than anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for the only hard things over there! should take a cue from PTS and give the stench of six hungover I Phelta Thi readers under 18 years of age, regardless of Speaking of hard times . Eric Stan the boot — just like they did brothers on your kitchen floor first the pretty pictures. Stewart-Kingsley has finally decided after his third ticket for parking in a thing in the morning! to resign from his position as trea- handicapped spot without a permit. And that burned bag of Orville SHOUT OUTZ TO... Finding a used condom (with wrapper) outside surer of Democratic Students for Too hot to handle! The recent fire Redenbacher’s wasn’t the only thing the office door; mothers at student organization Democracy. Cindy Karp, his oppo- alarm at Jester East was no accident. that got popped last night! Rumor fairs who scold their children for taking Travesty issues; old men who take our cookies; all nent and DSD’s former media direc- Blake Hassleton pulled the alarm in has it that sophomore Katy Heslerr the prefrosh holding “How to come out to tor, discovered two weeks ago that a fit of anger after seeing his girlfriend finally agreed to let her boyfriend of your conservative roommate” brochures who Eric had been stuffing the ballot box. Sarah Wrigley cozying up to her old 10 months, Kyle Fisherwills stick visit our table; superfluous kitchens; saving enough to buy a soda by submitting sales Ballot boxes weren’t the only things flame Johnny Hinderfitz. And let us his corn cob in her. Wonder how much taxes on time; the global warming up to stuffed, as Cindy was reportedly seen just say that Hassleton’s rage wasn’t buttering up he had to do first? product placement; vanity Wikipedia articles; the WELL; flame threads going back to 1997; directly after the election eating three the only thing that was white hot and slides into oblivion; hidden sites that spring junior bacon cheeseburgers at the all over the place! Got gossip? [email protected] up; Google spamming; putting buttons where they’re supposed to be; affiliates; “enhanced” security; mania; making mistakes; advertorials; Centerspread Travesty Girl Fall Flowchart Centerspread Illustrations Todd Nienkerk “complicated” relationships on Facebook; BEST OF Veronica Hansen Samantha Soper (layout) Kristin Hillery Kristin Hillery Lesley Dixon John Roper revealing summer internships; bedrooms that Mike Kantor Bradley Jackson Adam Shackleton Chris Friend Stephen Short aren’t; friendly realtors; getting run over by Jill Morris Bling My Bike David Strauss Veronica Hansen Samantha Soper VAN; almost sending form letters to $30,000 2005-2006 Samantha Soper Kristin Hillery (photos) Melinda Menstrual Kristin Hillery David Strauss donors; interns who are Republicans but Mike Kantor Dog Purses Mike Kantor definitely do not remind everyone twice a day; Frat Guys/Pictures TJ Sharp HOV Lane Mike Kantor Todd Mein Horoscopes taco sandwiches past their prime; and all hopes that this week’s surgery helps Amy feel better. CREDITS JJ Hermes (photos) Christina Vara Todd Ross Nienkerk Samantha Soper Jill Morris Chris Friend © 2005-2006 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 MAKING THE BEST OF IT SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Sixth-year senior has never attended UT football game Aberration of nature elicits shock, disgust from family, friends, complete strangers Elizabeth Barksdale remarked one of Feffer’s talking about how they have a good ASSOCIATE EDITOR former roommates, who program in economics or some crap asked to remain anony- like that.
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