feminine in avery in special wayfeminine 1997 SINCE TEXAS TRAVESTY SEP T EM B 2008 ER THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT PhotoshoISSUp E TEXAS TRAVESTY Octavio Jones-Djimbe KVRX Disc Jockey editor-in-chief Ross Luippold Managing Stephen Short Texas Travesty: What are some of can't refuse the tribal drum stylings musical art from all around the world, Turn ons: Vinyl in all sizes, dark Editors Thejaswi Maruvada your favorite artists? of Lenoard "Moxie" Akron or the and encourage them to find their own rimmed glasses, John Ailey, ironic design Matt Hutcheson Jones-Dijimbe: Well lately I've electro-organ melodies of Jimmy Lou musical meaning in a jam-packed hour Backstreet Boys remixes, Macs, directors Mark Estrada been into lo-fi gypsy punk like The and the Tuning Forks. You've probably of jazz fusion, acoustic hip-hop, and SXSW wristbands, bon mots, Publicity Sara Nienkerk Chacha Thieves and Mystical Rabbit never heard of these guys, but they're electro folk. holiday themed broadcasts, "in- Zak Kinnaird Murders, but as far as classics go, you the best, and I've been fans of them Francisco Marin forever. TT: What do you do in your free die" indie music, bands that no WebMaster Gatlin Johnson time:? longer exist, auditory discover- TT: Can you tell us more about Jones-Dijimbe: When I'm not ies, backstage passes Writing Staff Megan Jackson your radio show? sampling 12" vinyl in my music Jon Neal Jones-Dijimbe: I host a weekly laboratory, I keep up to date on my Turn offs: Badly mixed sound Michael Prohaska Stephen Stecker radio show from 3-4 AM on Tuesdays 1000-hit a week blog called "Hipster at concerts, Hannah Montana, Stuart Stutzman called "Ars Gratia Artis" which in Nutrition" where I bitch about the FCC PCs, those XM sell-outs, single- Malcolm Wardlaw Latin stands for "art for art's and ramble on about improperly made channel sound systems, hearing sake." As an lattes at Spiderhouse. Then I cry myself Design Staff Alyssa Peters loss, the government, Mom and artist, I want to sleep. Libby Sanders Alyssa Maneri to expose my Dad, slow download speeds, Julia Iacoviello listeners to Billboard Top 40, anything you listen to Mala Kumar some creative Matty Greene and innovative Administrative Rachel Colson Assistants Laura Ryan • The next time you hear drunken, disgusting as- • Oh, you read a lot? Me? Only when I poop. Laura Arnold sholes yell for our football team to “make ‘em eat • If 6th Street is cool, then 24th Street has to be like Matt Lester shit,” remind them that Grammy and Grandpa four times cooler. Suzanne Lewis can hear them on the west side of the stadium. • More like Hurricane Psyche! Wait, you still don't Matt Ingebretson around • Asian students are just beginning to notice how have power? Oh. Emily Rosenfeld many damn white people are at UT. • All things considered, Freshman Admissions Tina Melamed • Being stuck in a steamy elevator with 26 hot, Office, perhaps a short bus isn’t the best method Megan Williamson campus bothered cheerleaders sounds enticing… until of transportation for showing off the campus to contributing Veronica Hansen one of them farts. prospective students. editors • Oh the riot! The fiend riding the gargantuan • Starting a “Texas! Fight!” chant during sex is a lot • Girls have, oh my gawd, not seen each other in Chris Friend lawnmower has returned to trim the grass hotter than it sounds. We promise. forever!!! contact outside yonder window. Curse him and his steely • Somewhere on a remote trail in the wilderness, a • Freshmen looking for a nice Sunday drive will phone 512-471-7898 instrument of cacophony! staunch industrialist is asking hikers if they have go through West Campus to take in the beauti- email [email protected] • People who hate the new Facebook also hate a moment for Big Business. ful landscaping, breath-taking architecture, and newborns, the New Deal, and New Shut the • Ladies, your boyfriend isn’t a nerd because he HOLY SHIT ONE-WAY STREET!!! web www.texastravesty.com Fuck Up About Changes On Social Networking mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin plays Halo. Your boyfriend is a nerd because he • SPOILER ALERT! College will be exactly like the p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 Sites. would rather play Halo than fuck you. movie College. • JCL’s recent passion for the environment will be • Wait…I actually have to push on a door to get into • Dear readers: We do acknowledge comedic value editors emeritus seen in biodegradable cups, more efficient sauce the PCL to study? Well, unless William Powers is of the Tower’s new balls. We assure you that we Kevin Butler Todd Nienkerk containers, and recycled small talk with the lady willing to do my homework, I guess I’m going to have been laughing about this on the inside. You 1997 2003-2005 at the register. Brad Butler Kristin Hillery fail all my classes. should do the same. 1997-2000 2005-2006 Ben Stroud David Strauss 2000-2001 2006-2007 volume 11 • issue 1 Trevor Rosen Veronica Hansen 40acres411 30 September 2008 2001-2003 2007-2008 legalese Summer is over, and we here at will help return your RAM to it's ed roommates for the big dorm The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- the Travesty have turned up gos- factory setting.... party the other weekend, mom lication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and sip juicier than any S'more, sticky On the subject of pills, accord- and dad! Mr. Brewer’s keg stand contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where with scandal and melting reputa- ing to sources, Chemistry major was a big hit while Mrs. Brewer public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to tions like chocolate on a honey Alyssa Mallick's alleged phar- tapped Pat’s roommate in the any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect graham of hearsay. maceutical internship over the laundry room down the hall. Club the views of Texas Student Publications, the Speaking of camping, computer summer turned out to be more soda may work on mustard, but University of Texas at Austin or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property of the science major Rod Stoller is of an internstrip down at the lo- the stains of having a slutty mom Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of having a problem with tents, im- cal gentlemen's club! It's okay Al- need years of therapy to get out! the pretty pictures. potence that is! The word's out on yssa, the only difference between That’s not all that came out af- shout outz to... Rod’s difficult time formatting a working in a lab and working on ter summer. While making some Organic fruit leather; shiner dealer; Mike seeing Thej’s hard drive with long time sweet a lap, is one letter and a blow ad- repairs on his four by four with dookie; Stecker spilling tea on Larnold; Christina, you ignorant slut!; Susan, the first visitor; Susan Louis; heart Patricia Lopez. Looks diction... friend Tyler Peterson, Senior yearbook texts; re-arranging the office; no DVI cable; airport seats; rape; free food coupons; Texan people like Particia will have to make due Speaking of blowing, hurricane John Dempsey confessed that taking our parking spots; scrotum cover; David’s visit; with a floppy for the time being, season left liberal arts freshman it wasn’t only the flywheel that he everyone gone for ACL; Ross’s “Take on Me;” Ste- phen is racist; Thej leaving to chauffer friends; Photo- but cheer up Rod, a simple pill Patrick Brewer with unexpect- was interested in. shop can’t do it; Veronica’s boot; projectile butter; San Pelligrino; Mark is drunk; new generic t-shirts; Red- Raider Fritz; fuck Bottom-o’-Pagers; Cilantro?; Mark Cover ACL Centerspread Damn Dirty Apes Reviews Photos getting his game on HOLLA; Bourne to be right; hey september Mark Estrada Veronica Hansen Mark Estrada Mark Estrada Staff Matty Greene Ross, stop spilling coffee; women be gettin’ nose bleeds; health food from CostCo with Ross’s money; Veronica Hansen Alyssa Peters bum fight; sorority girl bowling; so this is what 7am 2008 Obama-McCain Rules of Parties Wi-Fi Comedy Listings looks like; Stephen’s mom; podcasts; how do we put Cartoon Alyssa Peters Staff Mala Kumar Internet Last Gas Comedy this microphone together again?; white balance; den- Chris Friend Ross Luippold Alyssa Peters Ross Luippold Alyssa Peters Matt Hutcheson tal dams/blue tarp; college parties; Elissa; the waitress credits who can’t keep a job; I have a sports column! © 2008 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 feminine in a very special way since 1997 NEWS • 3 New group of seniors ready to do things their way Thejaswi Maruvada lar of UT’s approximately 50,000 ugly the new freshmen are?” managing editor students. Girls of all kinds, includ- And then there’s Brooks, a notori- ing cheerleaders, have romantically ous troublemaker who intends to up CAMPUS — With the onset of the pursued him. However, Carpenter the ante this year with his shenani- 2008-09 school year, a new batch insists that there is only one girl for gans, and has hinted that a senior of seniors have announced plans to him, Kimberly Holmes, and he plans prank of epic proportions may be in rule the University. The six under- to marry her some day. the works. He has already had many grads, Chad Carpenter, J.T. Brooks, Holmes, along with Simmons and run-ins with The Dean of UT in Kimberly Holmes, Angie Simmons, Cisneros, are UT’s senior girls, and years past, and The Dean is prepar- Maria Cisneros, and their Indian ing for the worst. friend, Arjun, met their freshman “J.T. is always up to no good,” said year in Mrs. McGee’s history class. “We finally made it! The Mean Old Dean. “Last year he They have since become nearly in- Seniors ’09, baby!” fooled all of The Nerds into thinking separable, spending countless hours that if they dyed their hair orange, together in the hallways during they would all be able to take The passing period, and at their favorite they each bring their own unique Cheerleaders to the big Orange and after school hangout, the Quizno’s in traits the group dynamic. Holmes is White Ball. Needless to say it didn’t the Union. well known throughout the school work. I don’t think he will be getting “I really love these guys,” said Ar- for being Chad Carpenter’s on-again The Nerds to do his homework for jun, captain of the chess team and off-again girlfriend. Simmons is the him for a long, long time.” active member of the Hindu club. smartest student at UT, possess- He added, “I will have no more of “We finally made it! Seniors ’09, ing the highest grade point average these high jinks and tomfoolery at baby!” and exemplary test scores. Cisneros, my school. I am The Dean, and what “Look out, freshmen!” said Car- meanwhile, is highly fashionable I say goes.” penter, the unquestioned leader, and and was recently elected president of While the group is excited about the most charming, charismatic, and the shopping club. being at the “top of the food chain” handsome member of the group. “We’re starting our senior year off on campus this year, they are col- “We finally get to play by our own in style,” said Cisneros on her way to lectively anxious about what the rules. There’s a new sheriff in town!” ■ From left to right: Cisneros, Brooks, Arjun, Carpenter, Simmons, and Home Economics 301. “Wherever future may hold. None of them have With the graduation of resident we go on campus, people know that revealed any post graduation plans. Holmes. The gang is seen here sitting on steps and smiling as they often cool guy Vincent McCool, Carpen- these senior hotties mean business. They did guarantee, however, that do Photo/Travesty ter has taken over as the most popu- By the way, have you noticed how they would remain friends forever. Film to provide outrageous send-up of parody movies viewers a regurgitation of their fa- where Hellboy farts out a piano and Ross Luippold vorite regurgitations from Friedberg crushes Clay Aiken, who they call – Editor-in-cheif & Seltzer’s other films. get this – Gay Achin’ (For A Dick), I “Sure, a guy playing the guy who knew I was in good hands.” LOS ANGELES — Writer-directors plays Borat saying ‘High-five!’ is hi- Lionsgate executive Paul Kor- Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, larious, no question,” Friedberg said. man introduced the two by bring- the duo behind box-office hits Date “So we thought to ourselves: how ing them both on the writing staff of Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, can we possibly top that? And the Scary Movie. “They’ve come a long and Meet the Spartans, will soon add answer is obvious — we bring in an way, huh?” Korman reminisced. another release to their parody oeu- actor to play the guy who portrays “Their films are very subversive and vre: Spoof Movie. Sacha Baron Cohen playing Borat. irreverent, to the point where they “The mission that Aaron and I set Very niiiice!” aren’t invited to those fancy Hol- out to accomplish was clear at the Friedberg then returned to count- lywood parties like other auteurs. I onset,” said Friedberg in between ing the enormous wealth the movies guess they’re a little too risky for cer- takes of a scene in which a Bristol have brought him. tain delicate sensibilities.” Palin look-alike smokes marijuana John Di Domenico, an actor who Korman also refused to comment and breakdances with a Seth Rogen will reprise his roles of Dr. Phil and on rumors of Spoof Movie Movie, a stand-in. “We wanted to lampoon The Love Guru, also expressed en- parody of their current production. the intricacies and nuance of the thusiasm for the project. But despite his box office earn- current state of popular film, but be- “I was honored to be in just one ings, Seltzer still is inclined to ad- fore we knew it, our movies became Friedberg-Seltzer production. But dress his critics. “There’s a miscon- beloved American institutions. So when they approached me about ception that comedy is easy,” Seltzer we figured, hey, if we can dish it out, parodying my own roles in Disaster said. “But it’s not. You have to rent we should be able to take it, too.” Movie, I jumped at the chance to out film crews, cameras, buy cos- Seltzer then reminded Friedberg recite the exact catchphrases from tumes, find out if Carmen Electra’s to jot down the phrase “dish it out other movies one more time.” Di available, and a bunch other stuff. and take it” as a possible title for a Domenico, who many claim stole Sometimes we to forget to bring the Emeril Legasse cooking show in the movie with his blisteringly ad- script, and we have to make stuff up which the Creole chef is also raped. equate Dr. Phil impersonation, on the spot. But you know what? Spoof Movie, distributed by Lion- continued, “And when I saw the sto- That’s what it takes to set a new stan- sgate, promises to mercilessly give ryboard for the centerpiece scene, dard for comedy.”

NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • September 2008 “Video professor” earns tenure at College of Communications Promises to make students proficient in Microsoft Works, The Internet

Michael Prohaska staff writer

CAMPUS — Self-made millionaire and CEO & founder of Video Pro- fessor John W. Scherer was offered a tenured position in the College of Local hobophobe avoids Guadalupe Communication last Friday, for what the Board of Regents is describing as AUSTIN — Local resident Peter Austin into thinking that being a a “significant contribution” to the Tomlin walks nearly an extra mile hobo is acceptable.” The increasing development of students’ abilities to each day to avoid traveling on Gua- mainstream acceptance of hobos, use basic operating systems, hand- dalupe due to the intense discomfort especially the prevalence of hobos held digital devices, and various In- he feels when he interacts with ho- in television shows and movies, also ternet sites. bos. “It’s not like I have a problem worries Tomlin. “Did you see the Video Professor, a company that with them personally, it’s just that trailer for the new Will Smith mov- provides CD-ROM based instruc- they’ve made a lifestyle choice that ie, Hancock?” asked Tomlin. “Ten tion for various technological fields ■ In addition to this hardware, Professor Scherer also provides a dot I disagree with,” said Tomlin on the years ago, who would have thought including eBay, online travel, and matrix printer and a revolving CD-ROM rack for his students’ use. east sidewalk of Guadalupe. Tomlin that we would ever have a movie Microsoft Word, has enjoyed mas- is also concerned about their close about a hobo superhero? What has sive success in teaching millions of technology daily, whether it’s check- However, the most challenging proximity to campus. “They make America come to? Where are our people to become more proficient ing grades on Blackboard, accessing research project, according to Pro- no effort to hide that they’re hobos,” values?” Ironically, sources close to in their computer skills. But it’s the online archives of scholarly materi- fessor Scherer, will be deciphering complained Tomlin. “They positive- Tomlin have suggested that he may guarantee, says Professor Scherer, als, or simply sending an e-mail to a Apple’s Macintosh computer, which ly flaunt it! They’re corrupting and in fact harbor hobosexual thoughts which makes customers buy into the friend or loved one,” said engineer- has eluded him for many years. distracting impressionable youth of himself. educational program. ing senior Melinda Stinson as she “I just can’t figure out those darn “I tell millions of people each day, doubled her value by selecting any Macs. The computer is all back- ‘Try my product. If you’re not happy, two of 55 lessons for free. “In fact, wards, with its one-click mouse and Friends with benefits relationship then I will refund your shipping and I’m not entirely sure what role Prof. lack of control-C functionality. But handling costs at no cost to you,’” Scherer is actually serving this uni- once I’ve figured out where the Start to include 401(k), hand jobs said Scherer, wrapping up a Friday versity. I saw him using a stylus on menu is, I’ll have an amazing new lecture while searching for the CD an iPhone the other day.” product that you can try at no cost AUSTIN — Sophomores Jenni- tageous arrangement for both par- drive eject button on his E-Machines The “Video Professor” has an- to you.” fer Wickers and Albert Manfred ties involved,” said Manfred, who desktop. “That’s my guarantee, and nounced a series of research endeav- came to an agreement on Tuesday also agreed to terms for a weekly I hope to hear from you soon. Re- ors to begin in the coming months. to add a variety of benefits to their cunnilingus-fellatio exchange after member to turn in your homework friendship with the hope of boost- class on Fridays. “The benefits we’ve on entering usernames and pass- ing morale and enthusiasm. The added ensure that both of us are words in lab next Wednesday.” Name: Veggie Heaven-Display; Width: 22p9; Depth: 4 in; Color: Black, plan, laid out in a series of text mes- properly compensated for the work University President William Veggie Heaven-Display; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00032892 sages, includes a 401(k) retirement we put into the friendship, and they Powers echoed the Board’s decision plan, a one-week leave from the guarantee us a secure future. Every- to confer Professor Scherer a ten- relationship, and manual penile/ body wins.” Wickers and Manfred ured position. vaginal stimulation under the cov- also considered adding a healthcare “John will undoubtedly prepare ers on predetermined movie nights. plan, but decided that using a con- our undergraduates with the skills “I feel like this is a fair and advan- dom would work fine instead. and abilities to tackle the ever- increasing demands of the Web 2.0 age. If our young pupils have problems with their floppy disks or cleaning their keyboards, Profes- sor Scherer will be readily available texastravesty.com to help them with these issues and other challenges presented in the modern workplace, such as creating message filters for those pesky cam- pus-wide e-mails. I hate those.” where things happen. However, some students have voiced concern about Scherer’s con- tributions to the University. “What Mr. Scherer and the Ad- good things. ministration fail to realize is that not only did [the student body] use computers to apply to this universi- ty, but we actively use many forms of

4 • news www.texastravesty.com feminine in a very special way since 1997 NEWS • 5 University admits top ten percent of student Stephen Stecker tive focuses less on a student’s body A by 13 percent.” Staff writer of work, instead favoring those who Living on his own remain at the head of their class for the first time and AUSTIN — Growing up in the small when faced with obstacles. not having a body, West Texas town of Budapest, all that “Students granted entry to DE- Brovine remains freshman Cody Brovine dreamed CAP undergo a simple, painless divided about his about was becoming a Longhorn. decapitation procedure followed by decision. “I’m glad I “Ever since I saw Major Applewhite corrective surgery to eternally con- got into UT, but dat- lead that comeback in ’01, I knew I figure a hand of their choosing into ing has been kind wanted to go to UT,” said Brovine, the ‘hook ‘em’ gesture” said Presi- of rough. It’s hard chewing on a piece of straw outside dent William Powers at a presenta- meeting girls when his parents’ ranch. “I applied the first tion ceremony of the newly installed you don’t have a car, day they accepted applications, but University of Texas Guillotine. “Un- or a penis.” my grades weren’t high enough.” der our old admissions plan, too Despite his Brovine was ranked eighth in a many well-rounded students were troubles, Brovine graduating class of 71, ending his excluded. But it’s safe to say that un- concedes that he is hopes for automatic admission un- der our new policy, the student pop- ultimately happy der Texas’ top ten percent law. De- ulation will be more well-rounded with his choice. “It’s spite this initial obstacle, University than ever.” been a rough ad- officials offered the top percentile of Added Powers: “Space is limited justment, but it was Brovine a coveted spot in the DE- at UT. Removing 90 percent of an either getting my CAP program, as long as the admit- incoming student’s body mass will head chopped off ■ Cheering his team to victory makes Brovine feel his sacrifices were all ted portion “did not exceed ten per- save space in dormitories, increase or a year at UTEP. I worth it. Illustration/Travesty cent of his mass by volume.” available parking by 16 percent, and think I made the right The bold new admissions initia- shorten lines at the Union Chik-Fil- choice.” Michael Cera Store on Drag remains in business to move on to Matt Ingebretson lauding owner Rick Faaborg for the shining brightly through the waste- gressman Lloyd Doggett, and Lance administrative assistant momentous achievement. land of the Drag, and inspiring hope Armstrong, who divulged that his befuddled adult “Today is a day to celebrate,” de- in anyone audacious enough to sign victories as a cancer survivor and AUSTIN — Despite seemingly in- clared Mayor Will Wynn. “It’s hard a lease agreement with the Co-op.” seven-time Tour de France winner roles surmountable odds, specialty sand- for me to describe in words how Faaborg commemorated the occa- paled in comparison to Toufers’ wich shop Toufer’s recently celebrat- proud I am to be part of all of this. sion by hosting an extravagant street achievement of earning enough ed its one-year anniversary of being Toufer’s is more than just a store; it parade along Guadalupe. Masses of profit to add new paper towel dis- open for business. Austinites are has become a beacon of dreams – students gathered around Toufer’s in pensers in the restroom. anticipation of the marginally suc- Faaborg, now known as the “God- cessful shop owner’s arrival. father of Sandwich,” and employees “Citizens of Austin, lend me your of the bistro patiently signed auto- ears!” proclaimed a red-white-and- graphs for a line of adoring fans that blue jumpsuit-clad Faaborg after stretched the entire length of the parachuting from an F-16 Falcon revenue-suffocating street. Many onto the roof above Toufer’s. “One fans shared stories of the ways that year ago I opened this specialty the underdog sandwich shop had sandwich shop for business amid fulfilled their lives and earned a spe- throngs of doubters and naysayers; cial place in their hearts. LOS ANGELES — Tired of being men and women who said that rev- “The only reason I eat here is be- typecast as a nervous, bumbling teen- enue streams from club sandwiches cause it’s across the street from my ager, actor Michael Cera has decided would scarcely be enough to cover class,” said government junior Jack to broaden the scope of his acting the Drag’s skyrocketing rent prices, Washdra as he bit into a turkey club. and take on roles as a nervous, bum- let alone straws and mustard pack- “And I don’t think I’ll keep coming bling adult. “I want to show the world ets. That Toufer’s was just a crazy next semester. The cheapest sand- that I’m a versatile, talented actor. dream, and that it didn’t have what wich is ten bucks, and their ‘Toufer- I’m not a one trick pony,” mumbled it took to go all the way. But today one’ special consists of a stale cookie the star of Superbad and Juno. “I can I stand before you a stronger man; and ration coupons for the condi- play a lot of different uncomfortable with extraordinary confidence that ment bar.” roles. Twenty years-old, twenty-one Toufer’s will continue to prosper.” Other Toufer’s fans have expressed years-old. I could probably even do Faaborg then released 52 doves their reservations as well. twenty-four.” Cera’s career started on into a cloudless sky, one for each “Does Faaborg realize he’s spent the cult FOX series Arrested Develop- week that Toufer’s defied the nearly 500 percent of his previous year’s ment as the confused, uneasy George inevitable fate suffered by most revenue on this party alone?” ques- Michael Bluth, and has since sky- stores, which dare to open along the tioned autograph-seeker and repo rocketed into superstardom. He has Black Hole of the Free Market. man Matt Riggs. “In fact, I got or- recently agreed to work on a project ■ The sky’s the limit for this Guadalupe establishment.Illustration/Travesty The celebration featured numer- ders to clear this place out tomorrow in which he will play the sensitive ous guest speakers including UT to make way for a new Thai restau- guitar player of a hip indie rock band President William Powers, Con- rant slash Men’s Co-op Outlet.” and awkwardly court a cute girl. NEWS • 5 6 • news texas travesty • SEPTEMBER 2008

Name: Chango’s; Width: Out-of-breath jogger God eagerly awaiting 11p0; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black, Chango’s; Comment: Travesty [PLACE OUTSIDE-RH- announces plans to stand on local teen’s confession PG]; Ad Number: 00033172 OMAHA — Creator of the uni- offering of several goats as repen- corner with hands on hips verse and omniscient being God is tance for using His name in vain. WEST CAMPUS — Local jogger as a cameraman fell to the ground anxiously anticipating high school “I’m really gunning for some choco- Derek Chan announced during his behind him. “I started off at a faster sophomore Kevin Feldstein’s heart- lates and maybe a nice card. All I got morning jog on Tuesday that he plans pace than I had planned, and I need felt confession Sunday morning. for his Wikipedia plagarization last to catch his breath with his hands on to get some oxygen before I contin- “Come on, who does this kid think week were some votive candles and a his hips at the corner of 24th and ue. I can confirm, however, that I’m I am? Of course I saw him slowly couple Hail Marys.” When asked for Rio Grande. Chan held a press con- making good time.” Following his stroking Kathy Sanderson’s lower details of his impending confession ference on the stretch of sidewalk jog, Chan plans to enjoy a protein back, when he’s already dating plan, Feldstein pleaded no comment between 25th and 24th Streets with shake, a shower, and will reveal to Mindy Klein,” said the Lord of the before returning to his room to mas- reporters struggling to keep up. “I’m his roommates that his endorphins Cosmos as he casually took note of turbate furiously. starting to get tired. I think I’m gon- “are really flowing today.” engineer Mike Hatherby’s sacrificial na take a little breather,” said Chan Over-mayonnaised sandwich D-List celebrity writes eaten anyway CAMPUS — University sopho- of an inch of mayo between the slices tell-little book more Daniel Musselman consumed of provolone and bacon strips,” as he a submarine sandwich at Potbelly used his napkin to carefully dabble a BURBANK — The literary commu- if any personal experiences would be Sandwich Works last Tuesday that coagulation of vegetable oil and egg nity is mildly anticipating the first revealed, Ruccolo responded, “My contained an excessive amount of yolks from his lower lip. “I got up to ever celebrity tell-little book to be first romantic encounter, my moti- mayonnaise, sources say. Despite take the sandwich back to the coun- released next Tuesday. Richard Ruc- vation to become an actor, even how Musselman’s initial hesitation to ter, but then I looked at it, and I was colo, most famous for his role as not I became the successful burrito art- eat a sandwich that oozed with the like, ‘Whatever.’” To date, the deli has Ryan Reynolds in the long cancelled ist I am today — all these things will creamy condiment, ultimately he received no complaints concerning ABC series Two Guys, A Girl and a be in this book.” Ruccalo will em- decided it would probably be “too the over-allocation of mayonnaise Pizza Place penned the tome, titled bark upon a nationwide book sign- much trouble to take it back anyway.” on any other sandwiches. However, What The Ruc Happened? The au- ing tour at local Barnes and Nobles Reported Musselman, “I sat down to the eatery reported several incidents tobiography is said to be the first of location from 3 PM until whenever eat my lunch, and I realized that this regarding requests to add “just a dab its kind, and is expected to generate management forces him to leave. turkey club had about three-quarters of sandwich with their horseradish.” tens, even dozens of sales. Mr. Ruc- colo’s publicist and brother, Buffalo Ruccolo, took questions after the Name: Crave Restaurant; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black, Crave Restaurant; Comment: Travesty; Ad announcement outside a Taco Bell. Number: 00033446 “Rick is very thrilled about this foray into the literary world. I’m confident that readers will know just as much, or perhaps even less about him after reading this book.” When questioned L.A. abuzz LOS ANGELES — The entire city of Los Angeles is abuzz this week, and the excitement is palpable from Long Beach to Beverly Hills. “Can you feel it?” said Los Angelino David Schwimmer, a member of the indus- try. The inevitable backlash has only increased the buzz in the trades and on the L.A. blogosphere, and people believe this is the biggest news of its kind in years. The city is already be- ginning to feel the effects, with traffic at a stand still on the 101 and the 405, and lines wrapped all the way around the building. With the anticipation level so high, Los Angeles residents are beginning to wonder: will it live up to the hype? Said one prominent figure, “Hey, in this town, you never know what might happen.”

6 • news www.texastravesty.com feminine in a very special way since 1997 PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 7

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PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 7 8 • news texas travesty • SEPTEMBER 2008 Man has likely story HOUSTON — Accountant Josh Greenberg profusely apologized to co- workers Monday morning for arriving late at work, offering an anecdote met with skepticism. “Sorry guys, there was a wreck on I-10 so traffic was at a standstill for miles,” panted Greenberg as he made his way to his cubicle. “It was pretty bad, I think someone was taken away in a stretcher.” Greenberg’s officemates were less than impressed, however. “Oh, please. Last week Josh didn’t make his quarterly earnings deadline because ‘Hurricane Ike shut off all the power,’” mocked salesman Jim Bunning. “It’s been excuse after excuse from this guy. He’ll probably even have a couple ‘scheduled doc- tor visits’ this year. Pathetic.” When asked by his supervisor to create a PowerPoint for a Tuesday investors conference, Bunning declined, citing his grandmother’s week-long funeral without Blackberrys in Maui. Comedian to throw that into his act tonight NEW YORK — Comedian Jonah Rosen reportedly became ecstatic Fri- day evening at the prospect of devel- oping material for his standup routine later that night. “I walked into this piz- za joint on W. 53rd and I saw all these customers folding their pizza before eating it,” recalled Rosen. “I thought, this would fit in perfectly between my bits about hot dogs at Shea Stadium and that smell on the subway.’” Rosen has been fine-tuning his performance at that evening’s open mic at the Cackle Barrel. “How’s this sound: what’s up with folding pizza these days? It’s like, am I at a pizzeria, or a Laundromat? But hey, whadda I know?!” Schizophrenic has low selves-esteem AUSTIN — Economics junior Ashley Pollard, who was clinically diagnosed in 2002 with schizophrenia and mul- tiple personality disorder, has recently been struggling with low selves-esteem. “Aw, shucks,” bemoaned Pollard’s sec- ond personality while half-heartedly kicking a can along the sidewalk. “I’m just a darn screw-up. I try and I try, but I just can’t seem to do anything right!” Pollard reports that this pessimistic at- titude has negatively affected both her schoolwork and her relationships with friends. “Het enkel ding vreselijker dan m’n gezicht is m’n ziel,” lamented Pol- lard’s Dutch personality, Marieke. Pol- lard reports that she has decided not to seek psychiatric help, but is confident that she will feel better after she obeys the voices in her head telling her to burn down the FAC.

8 • news www.texastravesty.com feminine in a very special way since 1997 fEATURES • 9

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12 • [TITLE] [TITLE] • 13 14 • FEATURES texas travesty • September 2008 PARTYTIME! You guys like to party? SO DO WE!

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16 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com feminine in a very special way since 1997 features • 17

win in a footrace between Charlie Mike: They’re both in the football Thej: Well who would win? Weis 1 and Devin Hester2? business. Stephen: I’ll say Charlie. 1 2 Sports...with Stephen: Well by footrace I as- Stephen: If they’re on the same sume you mean running or sprint- team maybe they have good teams- ing….uhh..Charlie sounds like a manship together and they can work Stephen!better name for a runner. It would well. If they’re on opposing teams, which help him make his coaching depend what sport they play. one will want to outrun the other. easier. Uh….yeah. Mike: ESPN.com’s power rankings have the Cowboys, Eagles, and Giants Name: Cort Furniture Rental; Width: 34p6; Depth: 9.75 in; Color: Black, Cort Furniture Rental; Comment: Trav- in the 1, 2 and 3 positions. All of these esty; Ad Number: 00032954 teams are in the NFC East. What do you think is second most competitive division in the NFL? Stephen: AFC East… those all seem like teams that are towards the east coast. Except the Cow- boys. But you could draw a line in the middle of the country and that’d Thej and Mike from the Travesty be easy. Um, so I’ll say the western recently sat down with Sports Edi- ones in big cities, like uh, the 49ers tor Stephen Short for his insights on in San Francisco. I know Los Ange- the current state of the sports world. les doesn’t have a team. Um… I’ll go Here’s an excerpt from their conver- with NFC West. sation: Thej: With USC’s loss to Oregon Thej: What do you think is the se- State, who do think has the best shot cret to Mack Brown’s success at Texas, at winning the national title this in leading us to seven straight seasons year? with 10 wins? Stephen: Well, the other team I Stephen: Uh, he’s probably just know is good sometimes is Michi- a really good coach, but there’s gan, so they have a chance. probably also really good players Thej: Who do you think would

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Name: Blanton Museum 30-2135-5751; Width: 34p6; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Blanton Museum 30-2135-5751; Comment: Travesty-4Color; Ad Number: 00033096 This crime scene is my jurisdiction Mickey O’Donnell member that shit you pulled back at Deputy Chief, 5th precinct nypd the Academy? Little, scrawny, piece of shit Cadet PanteleFuck trying to get ahead of the rest of the class by ass- kissing and circle-jerking your senior officers to land a promotion. And by my lucky horseshoe, Rocky, your abil- ities as a raging homosexual certainly moved you to the top of the list rather quickly, didn’t they? Tell you what: if you want to help out with this crime scene, you can start by grabbing that broom in my trunk and sweeping up the dirt around the bodies. You know All right, move it along people… I like the city streets in my jurisdic- nothing to see here. Okay, we got tion clean as a whistle. a couple bodies, a bloody T-shirt, So now you’re Mr. Big Shot try- $20,000 in unmarked bills, and… Lt. ing to solve the big case, eh? Well I Rocky Panteleone? What’s your sorry got news for you buddy: you haven’t ass doing here?! got a gelato’s chance in hell. Remem- I swear to fucking God, Rocky, if ber when I recieved top honors from you don’t get you and your band of Commissioner Davidson at the NYPD macaronis off my crime scene in two Charity Ball last November? I’m quite fucking minutes I will bury you in sure you do. I keenly remember those administrative paperwork until your puppy dog eyes dripping and fat Ital- shit-stained hands are worn down ian lips quivering when Davidson into bloody little nubs. This scene is handed me the promotion. And ever my jurisdiction, so why don’t you hop since you’ve been waiting for the right back in your cruiser and get the fuck moment to one-up me. Not this time, back to the Bronx. Panteleone, not this time! Go fuck your mother. You hear me, Lieutenant? You’re You’re really starting to boil my dismissed. spuds, Rocky. You think I don’t re- No, this crime scene is my jurisdiction Rocky Pantaleone sition I’ve held on a yearly basis. At Lt. Commander, 7th Precinct NYPD this rate, I’ll be sending you down to Central Park for traffic duty by the time I’m 40. And by 45, I’ll have more credentials than you have back hairs. Stephenson! Call EMD and get these blood pools cleaned up now! I want CIA and DEA on this immedi- ately! I’ll tell you what, chief. You get your boys in blue out of my way in ten fucking minutes or I will stick my foot so far up your ass your mother Go fuck yourself. will think you deep-throated a boot. You truly are a piece of shit, Mick- I need CSI to have on-site autop- ey. I just got a call from headquar- sies on my desk in 30 minutes. Have ters saying we’ve got two guys with O’Leary get read-outs from both their brains spread out all over upper corpses and also, bring me a black Manhattan, and you fuck-ups show coffee with two Splendas. Now, Ste- up hours later expecting to wrap up phenson! this case? If you 5th precinct cock- You know what, O’Donnell? Let’s rags think you’re going to contami- put all of this arguing behind us. I nate my high-profile homicide crime feel that if we can work together, we scene, you’re fucking greatly mistak- can accomplish more than we ever en my friend. could apart, and then we could be- Your jurisdiction? You can kiss gin to clean up this city like we never my fat Italian ass, you pasty, spine- have before. less leprechaun! We can start right after you lick the I was never jealous about your dog shit off my filthy boots, Pantele- award, Mick. It just saddened me to one! You’re out of your goddamned see such a talented officer spend 35 mind if you think I would ever work years in the force before he got his with you. Now get the hell out my ju- first promotion. Surely you remem- risdiction. I won’t say it again. ber that I’ve moved up in every po-

features • 19 20 • OPINION texas travesty • September 2008

Name: Toggin.com; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black, Toggin.com; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: I’m waiting until marriage to 00033476 finger a woman Fred J. White nus’ sweet nectar can provide. True gentleman People are just so reckless with their decisions about fingering. Far too of- ten do women go to parties, only to be carelessly digitally penetrated by some guy who has probably been inside more girls than he can count on both hands — probably because they’re inside of some prostitute. “This party is going to be great!” these guys say. “I’m going to drink some beer, make some new friends, and if I get bored, fingerblast some chicks.” These young men will never I consider myself a man of strong val- know what it means to truly be hap- ues, and those values extend to how py. I treat the opposite sex. I pride my- But I have taken precautions to self in adhering to my morals when ensure that my phalanges stay pure. it comes to courtship, and despite My Facebook profile makes clear that society’s advocacy of the contrary, I I don’t plan on touching or entering refuse to finger a woman until I make vulvas all willy-nilly. I purposely keep her my wife. my nails unkempt and dirty to ward It’s no secret that women love to be off ladies who may entertain thoughts fingered — you can barely get away of me fingering them. And any time from loose ladies who would love for I’m talking to a woman and things get just any Joe Schmo on the street to flirtatious, I immediately tell her that ram a few fingers up her birth canal. I don’t plan on fingering her unless And just like any red-blooded male, we’re married. my thoughts are constantly preoccu- Giving your fingers to a woman pied by intimate fantasies of a beauti- is essentially the same as giving her ful woman letting me dig deep inside your heart. Women are well known her. to fall in love with men who furi- But only when I finally take the ously thrust their fingers in and out sacred vows of matrimony will my of their private parts, and I don’t want life will be a non-stop fingering fest. to be known around town as a heart- My bride and I will spend our hon- breaker who casually inserts one or Name: Politeed; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black, Politeed; Comment: travesty; Ad Number: 00033484 eymoon embarking upon the journey two fingers, and removes their trust of pubic excavation, and when we’re of men forever. old and gray, our love of me putting My only problem is communicat- my fingers in her vagina will breathe ing that I am 100% okay with having new life. But until then, my fingers casual sex with women. I mean, seri- will stay planted firmly where they ously. Let’s be adults. I eat with my belong: outside bodily orifices, igno- hands, but I don’t touch food with my rant to the hand lotion that only Ve- penis, for goodness sake.

20 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com feminine in a very special way since 1997 OPINION • 21 I sincerely hope Barack Obama is not the antichrist

Ross Luippold Except for one thing. She can’t feel bad for him, I really do. On top I should make clear: There is al- stars that he’s running against the Editor-in-cheif shake the nagging feeling that Barack of the racial issue, Antichrist-gate most no evidence to support the first foreign-y presidential nominee. Obama might be the Antichrist. would be just one more obstacle hypothesis that Barack Obama is If McCain ends up being the Anti- “It’s not that I actually think he’s he has to overcome in the flyover literally the incarnate antithesis of christ, the Arizona senator would the Antichrist,” claimed my friend, states if he ever wants to achieve the Jesus Christ. But I think it’s unfair be a far less effective Antichrist who, after a brief stint supporting highest office in the country. It’s not to assume that just because Barack president than Obama. McCain Hillary Clinton in primary season, has an old war injury that prevents defected to the Illinois senator like “I should make clear: him from lifting his arms above his any good Democrat. “It’s just that he shoulders, so how would he hold his might be. But almost definitely not.” There is almost no evidence hands high and say something like, And technically, that’s true, and it “Rise, my children,” a la the Emper- would be unpatriotic to believe oth- to support the hypothesis or in Star Wars? erwise. It’s a well-known fact that However, I admit that I would be the Founding Fathers wrote in the that Barack Obama is more inclined to believe in McCain’s Declaration of Independence that “maverick” branding if I found out we should “teach the controversy,” no literally the incarnate that he was being completely literal matter how patently ridiculous said when he said he would follow Osa- controversy is. (It’s right in between antithesis of Jesus Christ.” ma bin Laden to the gates of hell. the parts about flag burning and gay All I’m really saying is that all A friend of mine just got back from guys kissing.) And it’s hard to blame things equal, Barack Obama needs a summer in New York. While I was my friend for feeling a tinge of fear. his fault he was born the Antichrist; Obama happens to be a trouper in to be the next President of the waiting tables at an Austin country If Obama wins, takes the oath of should that necessarily prevent him Satan’s army, he would use his posi- United States. If nothing else, he club founded by a man who once office, and in between Stevie Won- from being President of the United tion as President to enforce the Dark has helped finalize the promise for apologized to Dick Cheney for rude- der’s inaugral ball sound check and States? Nowhere in the Constitution Prince’s agenda. Everyone needs a presidential candidates to be black, ly putting his face in the way of the Ahmadinejad calling a truce with does it state that the Antichrist day job, and is it really fair to dis- female, Hispanic, Jewish, or homo- vice president’s bullets, she was busy America, Obama summons Lucifier’s cannot be president. Sure, there are qualify Barack Obama from the sexual, assuming he doesn’t screw researching for one Manhattan pho- skeletal army to vanquish the USA people out there who think he’s in White House just because of some everything up by actually being the to shoot after the next. It couldn’t — well, liberals will sure have egg on cahoots with the Devil. And maybe relationships in his personal life? Son of The Devil. get any better for a liberal-minded, their collective face. They certainly they’re right. But shame on those The flip side of the coin is that But such a statement is pretty ri- artistic, well-educated young profes- didn’t see that one coming. people for voting against him on John McCain is actually the secret diculous. We’ll never elect a homo- sional, and the future looked prom- If he is indeed the Antichrist, I that sole issue. Antichrist, and thanks his lucky sexual president. ising.

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OPINION • 21 22 • OPINION texas travesty • September 2008 Your guide to The Finer Things in Life Travesty Reviews Cuatro’s Food Reviewed by Leland “Spazz” Melard uatro’s is this restaurant located on crime is limiting the communication on my way there and Trey calls me and San Gabriel, by the C-Mart where between thinking, breathing entities tells me, dude, I just got some dank-ass thisC buddy from my old band used to because that’s what The Man is trying shit, and you gotta come over and burn work before he got fired for stealing to do and censorship is so wrong man, one down. But afterwards I was on my prepaid phone cards, ah, what was his so wrong, you know? So anyway I was way back to the restaurant and I ran into name? Jeff? No, that’s not it. But fuck psyched to get this review because I some dudes who said they got the pulled that guy, who really owns a phone any- didn’t have to deal with any asshole cops pork tacos and they were good. They way, man? They’re just wires and they who shit bricks just because I’m driving seemed pretty cool so I took their word connect us so I would say that the real with an expired license. But anyway I’m for it.

“Right is Wrong” by Arianna Huffington Reviewed by A Toaster Books uuh-sshunka mmmmmmmmmmm- mmmmmmmmmsiz- hhrrmmmmmm- mmmmmsizzlemmm- zlemmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmP - mmmmmmmmmmm- mmmmmmcracklem- mmmmmmmmmmm- mmmmm mmmmmm sizzlemmmmm mmmmmmmmmm- *ding*

“Miracle at St. Anna” Directed by Spike Lee Film Reviewed by Marcy Greensboro he new Spike Lee film, Miracle watching those young Negro boys spend days gallivanting through the at St. Anna, is one of the more heroically risk their lives was very countryside, careful to avoid those impressiveT features I’ve seen in touching. It was a bold move to de- spaghetti benders, of course. If only my 57 years of being a critic. Who pict those people in such a positive I could travel there with my family would have ever thought that a film light. While the Negros were im- before I die. I would ask them, but directed by a colored man could be pressive, the real star of this movie my son decided to cancel my tele- so exceptional? While WWII films is the Tuscan scenery. I remember phone service after I called to wish usually bring back some difficult traveling to Tuscany before the War him a Merry Christmas. memories of my young adulthood, with my good friend Ethel. We’d

Metallica’s “Death Magnetic” Reviewed by Mackenzie ♥ Music o, I picked up Metallica’s new CD the other Justice For All!” I mean like seriously, listen to being mean to each other like they were in the day at the mall, and I can only use one word the technical guitar grooves that James Hetfield Some Kind of Monster movie!) But what really toS describe it.....SUPER! Metallica is one of (hottie!!!) plays on the super awesome tracks rox the most about the CD is Kirk Hammet’s my favorite bands ever in the world ever, and “Broken Beat and Scarred” and “All Nightmare guitar solos. MY FACE HAS NEVER BEEN their new CD, Death Magnetic (~*scaaary*~) Long.” It just sounds sooo “Justice.” What-ever, MELTED LIKE THAT EVER! SOO KEWL! is one of the best one’s they’ve ever done! I Jenny. Either way though, its soo great to hear Most of the songs are about death and stuff was talking to Jenny about it on the phone the them play thrashy like the old days! I mean, like that, so thats kewl too. I think that “My other day, and she was all, “I think it sounds a they were really starting to stink really bad with Apocolypse” is my fav rite now. Its really re- lot like Master of Puppets,” and then I was all, Load and Reload, and St. Anger was such poop. ally super fast. Thanks for reading my review! “no way! It sounds soo much more like “...And (BTW, its so neat that Hetfield and Ulrich aren’t YAAAAAY FOR METALLICA!!!!!!!!!!!! \m/

22 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com feminine in a very special way since 1997 features • 23 The P! Company MEGASHOW: The ‘P!’ stands for Poopy Travesty discovers the An unbiased review by Megan Williamson they may have comfortably fit into your high school’s A.V. club. How- ever, they lack the awkwardness and internet! charm of the nostalgic video nerd. “log on” and... To be frank, I do not like this group. Read our blog! And in the interest of full disclosure, I was romantically linked with Mr. Become a fan on Facebook! Sweeney for less than a week. Al- though I sincerely believe that my Subscribe to our Twitter! writing this review does not consti- Friend us on MySpace! tute a conflict of interest, as I am not interested in him or his comedy. Visit our new website! I do appreciate comedy, very much so. What I don’t appreciate is wait- www.texastravesty.com ing at the Olive Garden for two plus Prepare for THE P! COMPANY ME- hours alone. Website launch party GASHOW. The Texas Travesty is pro- Now I simply cry at their “work.” ducing a new night of comedy with Not due to any sort of emotional at- Oct. 3rd 10pm Austin’s local sketch comedy group, tachment, but at the stupidity I har- The P! Company. It’s a free show so bor for having opened myself to this clear your calendars for October 17th brand of comedy, if that’s what you gets you at 8:00pm in The Texas Union The- want to call it, ass. $5 ater. — It guarantees to be an evening con- The P! Company Megashow is Oc- Punchline Comedy and launch party sisting of ...videos (a few are funny; tober 17th at 8:00pm in The Texas most are not) and some live material Union Theater. The event is co-pro- (no guarantees). duced by the Texas Travesty and Cold- @ Coldtowne Theatre Their moniker is “Sketch Comedy Towne Theater. Also, visit Megan’s blog for Nerds,” a tagline that suggests that at http://travestygirl.blogspot.com. LastGasComedy.com

Open Mic Mike Creed & Dale Alexander Comedy 5 Cap City Comedy 17 w/ Nick Aluotoo Texas Travesty (8:00) The Velveeta Room (9:30) Presents: Listings 7Matt Sadler JabberTalky! w/ Jason Kanter ColdTowne Theater o c t o b e r Cap City comedy (11:30) P! Company (8:00) Megashow Open Mic Spite Club 18John Rabon & Chris Allen 1 Kick Butt Coffee w/ Dave Evans 9Andy Heald vs. Dale Alexander (7:30) The Velveeta Room Homer’s Bar & Grill (9:30) (9:00) 2Spite Club Ramin Nazer vs. Amber Bixby 10John Rabon Robert Hawkins The Velveeta Room 21 w/ Todd Merriman & Lynette Lamonica w/ Geoff Tate FRIDAY (9:30) The Velveeta Room Cap City Comedy Open Mic (9:30) (8:00) OCTOBER 17 The Velveeta Room (10:30) Show dates and times are 8PM John Gard always subject to change. 11 Check with the venue before texas union w/ Theodore Tyson & That Boy Bryson * attending any event 3Matt Willis Homer’s Bar & Grill w/ Todd Merriman & Chuck Watkins (9:00) The Velveeta Room these listings brought to you by @ theatre (9:30) Last Gas Comedy Punchline Spite Club t h e h o m e o f Coldtowne Theater 16 Featuring... Chuck Watkincs vs. Matt Bearden Austin stand-up (10:30) The Velveeta Room a n d t h e w o r l d -f a m o u s Chris Trew and Ramirez & Gilstrap’s (9:30) Jabbertalky! JabberTalky! Bill Burr 4 Homer’s Bar & Grill visit lastgascomedy.com Amazing Trivia Challenge Cap City Comedy (7:30) (8:00) for news, clips and stuff! features • 23 Name: Castilian, The; Width: 58p0; Depth: 10.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Castilian, The; Comment: Travesty-4Color; Ad Number: 00032015