THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT LACKADAISICALISSUE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Kristin Hillery LIECRABB LIECRABB LIECRABB MANAGING EDITOR Bradley Jackson K KUT’s busiest studentK DESIGN DIRECTOR Y Y Y David Strauss Texas Travesty: Thanks for giving us a few minutes had to try to squeeze some studying in late Monday night. Of course Tuesday night is $1 beers at ASSOCIatE Elizabeth Barksdale of your time. Cain and Abel’s. Oh, and six of my friends have turned 21 this month. EDITORS Kathryn Edwards Eric Seufert UT’s Busiest Student: I said one minute, so now TT: How do you stay organized with all of that going on? Stephen Short you’ve got 56 seconds. UTBS: I only drink soy milk and eat whole-wheat bread, which keeps keeps my memory sharp. WRITING staFF Mike Faerber TT: What kind of stuff are you busy doing? Every morning I do 25 bicycle kicks to get my blood moving, I have an electronic calendar to Jen Goldstein remind me of important dates, and I try to only get Sara Kanewske UTBS: My boyfriend’s Cowboys formal was on Kelsey Lamb Monday, so last week I had to find a dress and black-out drunk two, maybe three times a week. Toby Salinger make sure I had an appointment to get my hair TT: Do you find that your hectic schedule alienates Laura Schulman and nails done. Tuesday I had a psych test, so I you from other people? Christie Young PUBLICITY Lauren McDowell UTBS: Totally. How do you relate to someone Melanie Schaffrath who has three tests in a week, has to make her Laura Waltz boyfriend a birthday present, and is vice president DESIGN staFF Mark Estrada of the Business Club? It’s put a huge strain on my Ryan Flores friendships. Chris Friend Todd Mein TT: How do you deal with the stress of being so busy? Adam Shackleton UTBS: I take a nap every afternoon and watch TJ Sharp Gilmore Girls. I have to TiVo it, though. Samantha Soper ADVErtISING Erica Grundish WEBMASTER Mike Kantor • The new sandwich shop on the Drag doesn’t • Graduating seniors who are dating someone ADMINIstratIVE Sandy Arriaga require its name repeated five times to comprehend younger are going to be facing the “where is this ASSIstaNTS Jacqueline Fitzgerald it, infant. going?” conversation pretty soon. Travis Henning • Unfortunately for upperclassmen, professors will • Apparently chalk is now a recognized form of Kate Krueger around Joel Lucas not recognize the friday before Spring Break as communication on the Drag. Offical Senior Skip Day. • People who cross the street with the crowd when Ben Mason • A freshman trying to turn over a new leaf this there is no walk signal are putting a lot of faith in Garrett Rowe campus semester will spend $30 on fish oil pills, which the safety in numbers theory. CONTRIBUTING Janice Chan he will throw away after he releases a burp in the • Pet names should not be recycled from one EDITORS Jill Morris • Girls in ruffled skirts will prove yet again that middle of class that smells stingingly like miso boyfriend to the next. Todd Ross Nienkerk Old Navy commercials can still reach the college soup. • Your neglected pet will develop trust issues and demographic of pre-soccer wife. • A janitor caught spying on girls through a have trouble with commitment. CONTACT • Suicidal people living in West Campus will just peephole in the UGL bathroom will be laid off, • Couples walking hand-in-hand secretly just want PHONE (512) 471-7898 stop locking their doors at night. and by laid off he means fired with threats of legal to play Red Rover. EMAIL [email protected] • Playgrounds will become depressing when you action. • No matter how much you pay for tuition and fees, WEB www.texastravesty.com realize you’re too tall for the monkey bars, the • The Campus Democrats and the Ted Kennedy you will never, ever print anything on campus for MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin swings pinch your ass, and you’ll be working until is the Goddamn Devil Club will just agree to free. P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 you’re 65. disagree. • Business students whose ethics education includes EDITORS EMERITUS • While hustling to class with a heavy backpack on, • You will learn in your Weather and Climate class learning how to spin negative news will find Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen a student compensates his running style to that of a that fog is nothing more than an accumulation of themselves at absolutely no risk of contracting an 1997 2001-2003 raptor in the heat of a hunt. demon farts. STD. Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud VOLUME 8 • ISSUE 5 2000-2001 MARCH 8, 2006 LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, Construction site? More like seduction Wendy’s in the Union with best friend The irony! That same evening, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of site! Sophomore Missy Havermeyer Sarah Eichaufenstein. Sarah, mean- Wrigley’s BFF, Jennifer Flores- (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where and junior Kyle Berkowitz were while, stuck to a plain baked potato Highsmith, burned a bag of popcorn public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to spotted crawling out of the restricted and a side salad with no dressing beyond recognition at the I Eta Pi any persons living or dead is coincidental. The Blanton Museum site, their hair amess as she digested an ultimatum from sorority house. The funky smell that views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the and their backs studded with the rub- boyfriend Stan Friedmanton: Lose quickly permeated throughout the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much ble of passion! We guess the hats aren’t five pounds or else! Looks like Sarah entire place was allegedly worse than anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for the only hard things over there! should take a cue from PTS and give the stench of six hungover I Phelta Thi readers under 18 years of age, regardless of Speaking of hard times . Eric Stan the boot — just like they did brothers on your kitchen floor first the pretty pictures. Stewart-Kingsley has finally decided after his third ticket for parking in a thing in the morning! to resign from his position as trea- handicapped spot without a permit. And that burned bag of Orville SHOUT OUTZ TO... Stolen cookies; grundle sweat; Leo’s Honey; surer of Democratic Students for Too hot to handle! The recent fire Redenbacher’s wasn’t the only thing being welcomed to Moe’s; the catering that Democracy. Cindy Karp, his oppo- alarm at Jester East was no accident. that got popped last night! Rumor just wouldn’t stop; billions of questions; Jill and nent and DSD’s former media direc- Blake Hassleton pulled the alarm in has it that sophomore Katy Heslerr Bradley’s awkward affair; keyboard snuggling; ASCII art and people who don’t get the irony; tor, discovered two weeks ago that a fit of anger after seeing his girlfriend finally agreed to let her boyfriend of Toby’s long explanations for everything; illegal Eric had been stuffing the ballot box. Sarah Wrigley cozying up to her old 10 months, Kyle Fisherwills stick parking cones; Journey; giant mega dinosaur laptops and their sleek Apple counterparts; Ballot boxes weren’t the only things flame Johnny Hinderfitz. And let us his corn cob in her. Wonder how much being mesmerized by the lava lamp; the broken stuffed, as Cindy was reportedly seen just say that Hassleton’s rage wasn’t buttering up he had to do first? toilet; the original “drawings”; The Shitty Dog; the only thing that was white hot and original Tower photos; Kasey Short; strep directly after the election eating three throat; Chris, the master of drawing; ricin; fajitas junior bacon cheeseburgers at the all over the place! Got gossip? [email protected] that are still sizzlin’; The Big Plan; watching the sun creep through the windows; enough half- empty drinks to quench the thirst of a large Cover CS Advice Chuck Norris Girls Gone Crazy Cheney Scenarios Models Illustrations Todd Mein animal; running to the FAC to take a dump and MARCH Chris Friend David Strauss David Strauss Adam Shackleton Mark Estrada Derek Davidson Lesley Dixon Todd Nienkerk almost losing it on the way; high school band; Mike Kantor Jerry Fugit Mark Estrada Adam Shackleton the man who stole the camel; the musician who Centerspread SXSW Diary SAC Plans Orthotrinicodone Heidi Klum Chris Friend TJ Sharp stole David’s iPod (we will find and kill you); 2006 Chris Friend Mark Estrada Mark Estrada David Strauss Andy Pereira Kristin Hillery Dave Schwab Ashleigh’s abrasive posts; an email with the Mike Kantor VY Co-op Mike Kantor Samantha Soper word “fingerblasting”; amazing rice puns, buying Jill Morris Giggles’ Roadtrip Bode Miller Sorority Newsletter TJ Sharp Ad Sales Kate Krueger David Strauss a $30 antennae from Radio Shack and then CREDITS David Strauss Kristin Hillery Todd Ross Nienkerk TJ Sharp Samantha Soper Erica Grundish returning it after you watch the Oscars; steel. © 2006 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 30,000 FONDLING BATS SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 ‘Patriot Act is nothing new,’ says local father Dad has secretly listened to daughters’ private phone calls, searched laundry for notes Kelsey Lamb STAFF WRITER PHILADELPHIA — Amidst the punctual. But a father — or a presi- and MySpace accounts.