GREEN HILL ZONE. intro Editorial Frivilous Letters to Royals Victoria’s Secrets Patrick McGuire Ivan Sugarcane HSH Hans-Adam II In the perfect Nintendo universe, any individual must Fuerstenhaus Liechtenstein Some names have been changed to protect the innocent adhere to the reality that somewhere in your immedi- Schloss Vaduz Others have been kept to punish the guilty ate social circle of princesses and dinosaurs is a version 9490 Vaduz, Liectenstein of yourself that is your direct opposite. This bizzarre I promised some old friends that I’d have a column ready social system is encapsulated by Nintendo in the pre- Your Serene Highness, for their flagship issue of the Wa, but my deadline had fix ‘Wa’, from the Japanese warui, simply meaning ‘bad’. come and gone and come again without my muse mak- I have wanted to write to you for ing nary a peep. Feeling intellectually destitute and on the Mario operates in the same universe as Wario who is an some time, ever since I visited Liech- verge of giving up I made a final sweep of my contacts, ex-childhood friend that embraced a life of greed and tenstein several years ago – it is such hoping for a few choice pieces of dirt to get my mind evil after being bullied and eclipsed by the hyperpopu- a beautiful country! When I was working on something Burwash has been quiet since the lar Mario. Wario has achieved a level of infamy directly there I had the chance to eat some button men started tightening the screws, but from some- comparable to Mario’s fame. While Mario lives to save delicious hazelnut ice cream in a where came the whisper of trouble on the periphery of princesses, Wario lives for gold. Wa, for us, is a negative little alcove of the city with a view the campus. The first part of my investigation follows. colour scheme. A force that designs an alternative version of your palace, and I found myself of yourself that wears the same thing you do every day, in drawn to Liechtenstein’s abundance A couple weeks ago rumours started circulating that opposite shades. As an alternative stream of arts paper on of culture and pleasant citizens. somebody in the Elmsly residence at St, Mike’s was campus, we thought that embracing the absurdity of Wa flying the colours of the Imperial Japanese Flag, a fact would be appropriate. We do not arrive with any antago- I wanted to ask Your Serene High- I was able to quickly verify with my own eyes. Maybe nisitic intentions, or a ‘we just see things differently’ attitude, ness about the recent constitutional not much of a story on first glance, but for those not just a bunch of white spaces for vic students to leave their changes enacted in the Principality. in the know the flag has a blood soaked history, having art and opinion that didn’t have a frequent home before. Mainly, I want to know what motivat- been a symbol of Japanese militarism during the Second ed Your Serene Highness to ensure World War. The fact that the Japanese military still flies I hope that you like the look of our first paper, and if you such power rested in the monarchy? the flag notwithstanding, sticking one in your window have any comments or suggestions (or if you would like I live in a place where this would isn’t far different from hanging up a swastika. Even if to submit content for our next release) send us an email at be unthinkable, but it strikes me as the lead dried up, it was clear that there were injustices [email protected], or just start Facebook stalking us. a good idea. A type of hereditary afoot that only yellow paper journalism could put right. check on democracy, which can be- Also, I would like to extend a lot of thank yous come excessive, seems a brilliant idea. I decided to get our flag owner’s particulars to cross to all of the contributors this issue who were Also, as a historian I like the pros- check what other shady business he’d gotten himself very adament about getting this paper off the pect of restoring power to histori- caught up in. A quick mental calculation told me what ground, and VUSAC for the support and funding. cal monarchies such as your house. floor of the building I’d find him on and a handy side entrance into the building let me conveniently through One more thing, if you know Adobe InDesign, think about Thank you for your time, sir, and I the basement and into the alien world that is St. Mikes. emailing us to join the layout team. If you don’t know In- eagerly await your response. Design but you want to do layout anyway, send us an email, Stepping into this weird environment I felt like I could it’s not hard to learn if you know Photoshop and stuff. I remain, Your Serene Highness, almost understand what the guy had been thinking when Yours Very Truly, he’d first hoisted the Jap war colours. Everything bad Staff Matt McGeachy about RJ magnified. A mess of bland, repetitive hallways, grim concrete and metal stairwells and keycard locks on WA’S FIRST ANNUAL Editor Patrick McGuire the interior doors, and perhaps most offensive of all, total SHORT STORY Michael Deforge lack of the fairer sex. The whole thing might feel dystopi- Visual Editor CONTEST an if the walls weren’t decked out in flyers for toga parties. Henchman Thom Drance Deep inside of the WaSafe Open Submissions Mikaela Davis (think Duck Tales) is some Next time on Victoria’s Secrets: Learn who would dare hang such a heinous flag, discover why the new flag in the Contributors Chris Berube money for fabulous prizes. man’s window is from Kazakhstan and prepare to ques- Sam Butler But like, we don’t just give tion everything you thought you knew about Asian banks! Joe Howell stuff away. So here’s what we Matt McGeachy want from you. (1) Short story, Ryan MacLean sent to [email protected] Eli Otto Shenk by November 20th. Include in SUBMIT TO WA the e-mail your name, and your Calvin Schnurr Want to write for Wa? Send us your art re- pseudonym. Any story pub- Ivan Sugarcane views, opinion articles, short writing/poet- lished will be published under John Stocks ry, anything really, before November 20th. a pen name, and the winner Send everything to [email protected] will be contacted privately. Cover Art Michael Deforge Their name will not appear in Layout Herbert Lee print. Word limit: 500 words. the wa page two Take sex away from the mayor. CONVERSATION

Whither Municipal Politics? Sex Strikes Chris Berube Mikaela Davis

The offices of city councilor in Toronto, like in any respectable big city A sex strike is when women stop giving their partners sex in order to prove some municipality, aren’t given the time of day by most people with profes- point or try and create a social change. It’s a revolutionary action with hopes sional respectability or any kind of real world background in political that something positive will come out of it. The idea of sex strikes really be- issues. Case-in-point—my ward’s race for representation is peppered gan with Aristophanes comedy Lysistrata in which the wives of men fighting in with such luminaries as an out of work computer scientist and this the Peloponnesian war end the war by denying their husbands sex. This model guy whose most credible claim to ‘community building’ was his inept has since been used by women to try and create some sort of social change. handling of a little league team when I was twelve. Fewer than half Some great examples of sex bans include one which took place in the Turk- of the candidates vying for my ward have built up the general gump- ish village of Sirt in 2001, where the women denied their men sex so that tion to launch a website, let alone a campaign office, and those that they would stop being lazy, and fix the terrible water supply problem the vil- have completed the former appear to have been using that program lage faced. Needless to say within days the men were working on a new pipeline. that comes free on the internet. There is little in the way of profes- sionalism or ingenuity, to the point where even the candidates them- There was an impromptu sex ban staged by Polish women after a newly elected selves seem disengaged from and uninterested in the entire process. Catholic prime minister made abortions illegal which led to huge issues as con- traception wasn’t readily available in the country and abortions had been the larg- Not much is better in the race for mayor. While David Miller’s per- est method of birth control. The women basically stopped having sex with their ceived fumbling of such files as transit and violent crime would have husbands out of fear of getting pregnant. Eventually things changed when an left the door ajar for would-be contenders, his competition has been anti-clerical government replaced the Catholic one. The most undeviating attempt limited to ‘Calamity Jane’ Pitfield—who doesn’t seem able to come up of the Lysistrata strategy was in October 1997 in Colombia when General Manuel with a campaign idea that isn’t a direct contravention of something the Bonnet, chief of the Colombian army, appealed to all the wives and girlfriends of incumbent has done—and a batch of bushy-tailed also rans (this list Colombian rebels to deny their men sex until a cease fire was reached, which was in my mind includes bizarre late entry, but potential wildcard Stephen briefly achieved. The most recent effort at a sex strike, ‘the strike of crossed legs’ LeDrew, whose campaign appears to be heading in the direction of a took place in Colombia a few weeks ago. In one of the most violent Colombian cit- slow motion train wreck). While control of the country’s sixth most ies, Pereira, wives and girlfriends of gang members have created this sex ban so that populous political district should be something of a contest, once their men will give up their violent ways. The city reported 480 killings last year alone. again, a complacent incumbent (really, does Miller have ANYTHING new to say?) finds himself without many interested parties able to According to the BBC, studies showed that the gang members were drawn to build a sufficient profile or credibility with the voting public. Yawn. criminal action for status, sexual attractiveness, and power as opposed to eco- nomic need. Therefore the women are trying to show that it’s not sexy to be a It certainly doesn’t help that public apathy towards municipal politics gangster. The sex strike only lasted ten days but was hailed a success by Pereira’s may be at an all-time high. If the public’s political imagination is to security chief. There was no immediate evidence as to whether the strike had an be caught—which is rare, but does happen—it is by issues of bigger effect on the local murder rate, but the women were able to get their point across. implication than anything we think is handled by city hall. The unfair Sex strikes have been used over the ages as a way to try and create social dif- perception says that municipal politics must be limited to the repair of ference and whether they were successful or not, they are a powerful way of potholes and the regulation of parking spaces. And the broad plati- trying to change things because they get people where it really hurts: sex. tudes found at the center of this year’s campaign do little to counter this. A brief perusal of most candidate websites reveals their opposi- tion to property taxes, a fondness for recycling or any other number Personality Quiz: Are You A Good Person? of safely normative planks. Of course there is the occasional anomaly candidate that refuses to guide their policy based on the simple hot but- 1) Who is your favourite Seinfeld Character? tons of the day—a few actually sound well-informed on the issues of a) George their particular community, however such people are sparse pickings. b) Kramer

The bigger problem of public indifference begs a question of its own 2) What is your favourite Colour? nascence: are politicians at the city level out of touch with issues that a) Red affect ordinary people or are we simply ignorant to the grander im- b) Purple plications of what our most local form of government does? I argue that a bit of each are responsible. City councilors tend to forget that 3) Why do you hate your daughter? how they frame particular issues has a great impact on public engage- a) Sketchy boyfriend. ment. Without a clearer rhetoric on how their work impacts people, b) Is not pro football player. especially individual political paradigms, they are bound to fail in at- tempts to galvanize the masses. At the same time, however, people 4) When was the last time you turned down Indian food? cannot forget that Toronto has the potential to be a world-class city, a) Yesterday. but only if citizens engage in an active forum of urban renewal. 5) In a stressful situation, I am more likely to There is no panacea to the woeful state of municipal elections a) Be eerily calm and collected to the point where I am suspiscous. and the stagnant progress of our city. A call to arms must be made b) Become so irrationally panicked to the point where I am intolerable. on both sides—while candidates must work to reframe their roles c) Blank out and wake up beside the guy from Rabbas. as relevant to our political interests, citizens can not forget the po- tential for a city in which people care about who runs this town. Answers on page eight. the wa page three Music, Literature, Film, Video GAmes, And Live Shows. ART REVIEW Shortbus Killer Mike Justin Timberlake Patrick McGuire I Pledge Allegiance to the Grind Futuresex/Lovesounds Herbert Lee Michael Deforge Before the disconnected narrative of Shortbus really starts to unify itself, you are briefed with a series of shots showing some “Ok hold up. I can’t rap about doing crime, Real dance music is all about minimal- very real penis, vagina, masturbation, and ejaculation on camera but if I actually do crime and do time, I can ism, and on the album’s best moments in full 35mm. The film observes the sexual psychology of this come back out and have a TV show with an the only accompaniment to Timerblake’s generation, swirling around in a big city and pushed into little all white audience if I rob shareholders of mil- e f f e m i n a t e boxes, attempting to reconcile the privacy of urban anonymity lions? But if I rap about getting some money squeals are with a general desire for human intimacy. So, Shortbus works to on the block, it’s a problem? Are you fuck- a choppy cure this dichotomy with its visceral sexual imagery; throwing its ing retarded?” -Killer Mike on Martha Stewart. drum beat, a restrained and broken urban characters into situations that force bassline and them to beat the emotional hurdles that have fucked them up and Killer Mike’s 2CD release I Pledge Allegiance To some air- made them lonely. However this The Grind (which he wants you to know is not tight synth process is forced, and it often a fucking mixtape, he suggests that you could s p l a s h e s . feels as if the character recipe call it a motivational tape or an underground That’s why was one sexual preoccupation album) is a pretty serious crack-rap portrait of S e x y B a c k (domination, promiscuity, being ghetto Ameri- ends up being pre-orgasmic, voyeurism), two ca. The album, the weakest track on the album. It’s a me- or three quirks to make them with excellent andering half song that lets Timberlake’s Sook-Yin Lee as a sex-therapist who cannot orgasm in Shortbus. introverted, and a hipster ny cover art that vocals take a backseat to overblown and wardrobe. But, whatever. The conversation and character dynam- echoes Outkast’s overorchestrated production. Still, at ic just does not rival a movie like Manhattan (which may not sound Stankonia, por- times Timberlake ends up showing too fair to you but that’s where the comparisons have been made trays Killer Mike much restraint. If he’s trying to make a critically), we do not get the level of perspective into Shortbus’s as a product of sex album, Timberlake knows that Prince characters as we would like, and that is a disappointment. But, America’s sec- is the guy to borrow from. But the major we are interested in their individual sexual endeavours enough ond culture. An thing that separates this from an album to care. There is enough of a bond between these dishevelled, America without like Lovesexy or Dirty Mind is the frantic depraved, and beautiful ny individuals to keep us waiting to see if colorful opportunity, where the reality is you sex fueled freakouts that made Prince Sofia (Sook-Yin Lee) orgasms; her performance as a reluctantly- can either shine by grinding and committing so great in the first place. Timberlake sexual sex-therapist that has never had an orgasm keeps us stuck crime, or by falling straight into poverty. Es- is all talk-- he knows how to build up a to Shortbus’ message that the emotional and sexual barriers that sentially redesigning the American aesthetic as track, it just hardly ever goes anywhere. push us into ourselves are parallel to the apartments and dorm a nation that is either black or white. His im- Papperrad rooms that we hide inside most of the time. Also, it is a complaint agery creates this America over a smooth and Trash Talking DVD against our standard for what is accepted visually in western me- bouncy dirty sound, a sleek world of modern Michael Deforge dia, because perhaps part of what fucks us up is the general sub urban cinematography that Killer Mike enters consciousness that believes our genitals and sex patterns are a ful- in a shiny apple-green cadillac boasting about This is animation for the cough syrup- ly private and invisible part of life that should not be in the public bodies the cops just can’t find and talking a lot addled minds of children who grew up forum. We’re pretending it’s not there. Would having images of of money-guns-hoes in between comments on on Super Nintendo and Attention Defi- realistic sex in the public sphere (Sook-Yin for Paris Hilton) fuck how George W. just hates poor people in gen- cit Dis- up the kids more or less? I’m not sure, but check Shortbus out. eral. It’s gritty, violent, stylish, and smart in a o r d e r. way that invigorates the dirtysouth sound and Click T h e gives it an extra articulate dimension that has Thom Drance g r o u p been missing from its controversial scene for flashes a little while, even if it at 20+ tracks it’s over- Remember how no one really saw Billy Madison in theatres? But and lay- long, it’s got some very tight, very bold tracks then it was released on VHS, and became a small cult classic that ers pat- that will stand out in your next loud rap playlist. propelled Adam Sandler to the stardom he precariously deserves. t e r n s Well, Adam needs your help again. With Click, Adam has has 2 word reviews of 90’s produced something great that seemingly no one cares about. cartoons, MS Paint, plush toys, rainbow It’s a brilliant film about a man who is given a remote whichBeck psychedellia and bad web design into one transforms his life into one extended DVD video track. We’ve The Information immense stream of consciousness mess. all seen the trailers where he slaps David Hasselhoff and slows Intergalactic disco It’s the sort of aesthetic that about five down the hot chick jogging down the street, but what we don’t thousand hipster graphic design students realize is how far they take the concept. I won’t reveal anything, Dexter try ripping off every day, but Paperrad thus you must trust me when I say, that Adam Sandler united Watch it gets it right- they aren’t preoccupied with all of his funniest comedic impulses successfully and devel- being ironic or retro or “kitsch”. They oped them within an interesting comedic framework revolving Robert Deniro’s scrape out and recycle every bit of trash around a hilarious and well-executed concept of a life remote. Frankenstein from the last two decades and turn it Placenta into artwork that is as beautiful as it is I’m sure that I can’t convince you to get over your ‘Adam Sandler Dancetastic ridiculous. For fans of Garfield throw- sucks’ bias but if you can and do decide to view this classic I as- ing up a unicorn throwing up a muppet. sure you that you are in for a hilarious and often times surprising- Adam Sandler in Click. ly poignant ride thanks to the sensitive mind of Adam Sandler. the wa page four Music, Literature, Film, Video GAmes, And Live Shows. ART REVIEW OOIOO Grizzly Bear/TV On The Radio Lateef the Truthspeaker/DJ Shadow Taiga October 12th, Live at The Opera House October 12th, Kool Haus Michael Deforge Thom Drance Eli Otto Shenk

Frontwoman Yoshi P-We shakes off some of OO- The October 12th TV on the Radio show at the It takes guts for an artist to declare that he will IOO’s noisier roots and Opera House was an intimate showcase for a tal- be giving “the perfect show” that night, but DJ looks to African drum- ented and multi-faceted modern art band. TV on Shadow did not disappoint. Shadow has made a ming as her muse. On the Radio is a frenetic band with a very unique name for himself with his unique style of mixing tracks like “Uma” and sound, their songs had dominated my summer, samples of all kinds of music to create his mind- “Umo”, the screechy so the bias that I was going in with was made of bending mixes. His October 12th show at the Kool girl sounds we’ve come impossibly high expectations, but I still found Haus proved how skilled he really is. The show to expect from the band myself thoroughly enthralled by their frenzied opened with Lateef the Truthspeaker who made are transformed into fe- though polished delivery and the voice and gen- up for his overused beats and questionable lyrics rocious tribal anthems. eral gyrations of lead singer, Tunde Adebimpe. with an energetic attitude that primed the crowd Taiga (“forest” in Japanese) is a concept album, for the main event. DJ Shadow opened his set with and the result is a significantly more focused sound The show was opened up by Grizzly Bear. A band the first track from his latest album The Outsiders, than OOIOO’s previous releases. They’re known that plays really well on my iPod, but who are most- a haunting speech reminiscent of V for Vendetta. for being pretty spastic, but P-We orchestrates ly acoustic, low energy and decidedly unbouncy. Then, as fog from the smoke machines mixed with tracks like “Grs” and “Ioa” with an elegance and Despite two negative features: a heckler who ha- smoke wafting from the audience (and there was precision not usually associated with the group. rassed them for most of their set and the absence a lot of it) Shadow ran on stage and got to work. Underworld of their hilarious “Owner of a Lonely Heart” cov- Don Delillo er; the set sounded good and provided unobtru- His live show mirrored the style of his albums. Each Thom Drance sive background noise to talk and drink over. Dur- song used a surprising mix of many styles of music, ing the Grizzly Bear set TV on the Radio guitarist from blues and jazz to folk and indie rock and Shadow It is rare experience to come upon a book that Kyp Malone stood highly visible and large in the blended each song into the next with ease. While he forcibly grabs your will and thoughts and seems crowd hugging an indie girl and enjoying the set. bounced around from turntable to turntable, Shadow to have them already contained within its humble was accompanied by a selection of amazing music pages. If you are looking for a book to rock your TV on the Radio if you haven’t heard them are high videos that were projected onto a screen behind him. perception of the modern American world, and energy with lofty lyrics and a disillusioned hipster The videos were as varied as his music, from robots what can be done with the novel, then I recom- aesthetic, many people compare them to Outkast running mend Underworld a 1997 novel by Don Delillo that I if Andre 3000 was impersonating Win Butler (but through count as the best single work of art that I have ever this is basi- a me- come across. The novel is non-linear and centers cally just chanical on fifty years of pre-911 American history starting u n i n t e n - maze to from October 3, 1951 the day the Giants won the tional rac- a creepy pennant over the Dodgers with a walk off homer ism), seeing juxtapo- in the ninth Coincidentally, this is also the day the them live, sition of Soviets tested their first nuclear bomb. The novel is h o w e ve r, multicol- awash in imagery and there in a more ored or- is an emphasis on showing intimate venue (then at an outdoor music festival), chids and a floating baby to more mainstream rap vid- all aspects of life. It is the I felt they more resembled a funked out Simon eos, such as his song “Seein Thangs” featuring David beauty of the imagery and and Garfunkel than any of the other ridiculous Banner. The videos were almost too good. Instead the denseness of its presen- comparisons I’d heard over the summer. Anyway of cheering and dancing, most of the audience (in- tation that makes the book the set kicked ass, Tunde literally howls and his cluding me) stood mesmerized (remember the smoke so enjoyable. The detail is so dancing can objectively be described as sexy. An I mentioned earlier?), which seemed to make Shadow overwhelming that all one is impressive set list covered all of their new album nervous. Several times he grabbed a mike and asked able to do is allow the beau- Return to Cookie Mountain except ‘Playhouses’ and us if we were ok, which we responded to with riotous ty of the images to sweep all of their popular work from earlier releases. applause. I loved the show, and would recommend over you as you turn from Loco Roco (PSP) this live show to anyone who enjoys a good beat, page to page. Although this Patrick McGuire just be sure to add a little smoke to the crowd first. book is a long read it moves at a rapid pace because Delillo paints such interesting pictures; Lenny Loco Roco is a new puzzle game for the PSP Bruce performing during the Cuban Missile Crises, that allows you to play as a large yellow float- and J. Edgar Hoover fearing communists, hippies ing mass of goo. Your goo protagonist has the and the safety of his garbage at Truman Capote’s ability to divide into dozens of smaller goo or- infamous black and white party., graffiti artists in ganisms, a power which you’ll need to traverse the inner city of New York painting angels on the many tunnels and passageways each level walls to commemorate the death of children. De- will require you to navigate. Visually it’s un- lillo really blows up the format of what we expect stoppable, and it’s the perfect light puzzle title from a novel in Underworld, which, reads so well to have on your memory stick to play in be- that one feels totally overwhelmed while still be- tween line-ups at the bank and boring tutorials. Be goo in Loco Roco. ing engrossed by the poignancy of Delillo’s prose. the wa page five Grey imagery and LISTs. SHORT WRITING If Good Advice Grew on Trees The Hunt the hood is up, and smoke comes from Sam Butler Thom Drance the radiator and our lips. Patrick McGuire Ever try to expound that a weary hunter sits at his desk you weren’t, wholly, you? eagerly awaiting his well deserved days rest ‘please don’t judge me’ said Just you, the room had grown dark with the suns settings the driving instructor. he out of luck, or a blue laptop light and no overhead lighting spends his mornings looking out cold in love he’s been trekking so many digital miles into the reflection of his own just you overtired, in search of xxxvids in sharers shared files face, printed on the id card you underwhelmed but not a doe nor a buffalo did tread hanging around his neck. You dying to dispatch, except one file: 18 year old boy first head or just desperate for still. when suddenly across the wire desktop horizon on his most recent date with a Well, excuses excuses – the market’s aflood. multi-racial porn marching erect like proud bison woman, he ruined the night by Everyone’s got them; it looked at the hunter and turned to quickly move saying ‘this movie shouldn’t while no body wants. but the hunter took aim and got that file queued promote driving without high So how goes an oak tree? what a marvelous gift this was to not share beams in dark tunnels,’ Do they grow so? Come undone? it downloaded quickly as the hunter prepared No, grabbing kleenix and pushing the curtain closed that ended their fling. he spent A firm resolution to the vid started with a blonde cheerleader waiting to expose... hours after that trying to figure follow the sun pulls out what had failed on her front porch, broad, asperous limbs within the minute the file was manually stalled but gave up when the morning paper up, the hunter stood holding his rope...manually appalled arrived on a blue bicycle. ever up. the hunter looked at the video with disgust and resignation Roots cross the rocks, and said aloud with more than a hint of indignation he spends his days crashing into they don’t stumble or stop. who would watch and share such a thing curbs, with teenagers who ask A straight iron torso would he checked the user some dude named “[vic]Helsing” if they have passed, while their bend to the right ew what a gross file the hunter said in his head parallel park drifts into oncoming crooked for all to see this person is sick and deserves to be full of lead traffic. crooked and thriving, the hunter trudged off to sleep unfed. his green leafy limbs to the light. please don’t harm the driving Were you still who you were instructor. he spends his nights in a fight or a turn? in parks. admiring domestic birds, Could you still shift to let the light loom? 12 Steps to Find Secret Doors smoking, hoping for love, and Should you bear, you may be Ryan MacLean & sound.mind staring at women through the front when world’s turn casts a window at a twenty-four hour grocery store. shadow, 1. Check all doors. If you can see them, they aren’t secret. A staunch, crooked tree 2. If you stumble on a colony of gnomes, make some some of them he recognizes in bloom. friends. Chances are, they know a thing or two about secret from the passenger seat. doors. The Sentinels Tracklist 3. Get a sturdy compass. It won’t help, but it makes you look Ryan MacLean from the Jurassic Park Soundtrack like you know what you’re doing. 4. Call the fire department and tell them your child is on fire He’d adorn your flesh expertly 1) Theme from Jurassic Park and trapped in a secret room, behind a secret door. and with a promise you’d be uplifted. 2) Incident at Isla Nublar 5. Read “Charlotte’s Web”, it’s a children’s classic. A flickering TV told you in pauses 3) Journey to the Island 6. Make sure the secret room you’re looking for isn’t actually between scenes of the newest episode of 4) The Raptor Attack a roof. Though that could make a good subplot. “Man Urinating Loudly” brought to you by 5) Hatching Baby Raptor 7. Follow someone looking secretive. When they go through ads for the latest tiny, spherical locket now 6) Welcome to Jurassic Park a door, take note. with droplets of arsenic, hemlock and mor- 7) My Friend the Brachiosaurus 8. If you carry a lot of keys with you, someone may come phine. “That last one’s for the pain.” 8) Dennis Steals the Emrbyo looking for a key to a secret door and think you’re the guy. I see what you see, that’s what they prom- 9) A Tree for my Bed 9. Kill everyone that knows about a door, then it becomes ised me. Some artists delivered and the 10) High-Wire Stunts your secret. Management, they deliberated. 11) Remembering Petticoat Lane 10. The pantry is not a secret door, though it does hold many 12) Jurassic Park Gate treasures and delicious surprises. Then one night we somehow shared a 13) T-Rex Rescue & Finale 11. Drill a hole in something and look through it. If you see dream wherein a truer man said no more 14) End Credits auction block for me between shrugs and people dancing on the other side, JACKPOT! half-smiles, while strolling on a Spring-like 12. Install a door in your house. Tell no one. We danced with Zanta, and day in mid-Winter on the street, where This is a collaborative work by Ottawa ‘Zine “sound.mind” as it was previ- awkwardly interviewed without hesitation we’d agreed we’d from ously featured there. ([email protected]) They are brilliant stu- The Weakerthans. then and ever be eternally standing abreast dents of Humanities at Carleton University, Ottawa. They would like upon your sun-soaked balcony to thank Wa, whom they now consider their spouse and next-of-kin in http://youtube.com/ exulting above where the pellets gather the event of their death. They pledge to make more love with their lov- watch?v=uSQ6wElXc5k like pathogens in piles. er, Ryan MacLean, to express their gratitude for submitting their piece. the wa page six Cheap drunk, cheap food, PUBLIC EXORCISM. SIMPLE ADVENTURE How To Get Away With Everything – Predrinking on the TTC Cosmic Tag: Episode 6 Joe Howell Calvin Schnurr

There’s nothing like cruising on the open road, with the top down and It was a dark and stormy night down at the porno shack on Main. At six-one the system up. The city speeding by as you drop the hammer, cyclists and two-hundred and forty pounds, Peaches sat crushing his swivel chair right to and jaywalkers fearing for their very lives, and holla back girls wish- the floor. He stroked his goatee in contemplation, and pencilled in ‘erection’ as ing they were in the passenger side of what’s most certainly not your the solution to the four-down riddle in the office novelty crossword. He looked best friend’s ride. But who are we kidding? You can’t afford a car, you out the window and decided, since it was twenty to midnight, and, hell, it was go to U of T! Why, you probably had to borrow a toonie off your New Year’s Eve, that he’d close up early tonight, damned be the lonely perverts. roomie just to make bus fare. There is a bright side to your abject pov- erty, however – if you can’t ride in style you can at least ride inebriated! Peaches pulled out of the empty parking lot at a steady clip and made a hard right in his mom’s Taurus. As he came over a hill, a lone armadillo walked in Getting bombed en route has always been the hidden upside to rock- front of his headlights. “Jesus fucking Christ!” He hit the brakes and veered in’ the rocket. For the uninitiated, however, boozing on the Queen Car left to avoid the critter, which scuttled back into the bush. A bright light ap- may seem like a great way to squander your meager funds on hefty fines peared from the direction of the armadillo and, much to Peaches’ surprise, when you clearly need that cash for hookers and blow. Stick with me, one Jesus of Nazareth stepped forth from a clearing in the shrubs. Sport- though, and you’ll never have to endure sober inner-city travel again! ing a green and white headband, radiant white robes, amd runners, Jesus had a handsome olive-toned complexion, and a spiffy beard. He beagn to stretch The first way to put ‘em away in transit is a classic which any junior drunk his hamstrings on the front bumper of the Taurus. The rain deflected away should be familiar with. Simply empty out a water bottle (or leave some from his body on account of a cosmic egg that surrounded his figure, func- in, ya pussy) and top it back up with gin or vodka! The only thing you’ll tioning as an umbrella of sorts. “Oh-my-God,” said Peaches, eyes wide. have to worry about is busybodies wondering why you’re wincing af- ter every refreshing gulp of ‘aqua’. Remember, though: nobody wants Peaches reached for his glove compartment where he kept a loaded revolver in a anything to do with a lowlife like you anyway, so you should be fine. Bible. With the book in his hands, he flipped to a page at random and began to read, hoping that a quickie prayer would get him out of this. “Come, I will show you the judgment of the great whore who is seated on many waters, and with the wine of whose fornication the inhabitants of the earth have become drunk.”

This passage was not quite what Peaches had in mind for the moment, and his shoul- ders sank with disappointment. Further to his dismay, the words on the page began to glow red and burn through the wafer-thin Bible paper. His Bible on fire and win- dows fogged with smoke, Peaches stepped out onto the street, revolver in hand.

Unfazed, Jesus turned to Peaches and drawled: “I EX-or-CISE the DE-mon!” i cat’n reda the map, i cant, im blidn Peaches collapsed, and a flaming-hot diablo popped right out of his entire body Try this tactic: finish off a McDonalds combo (the perfect pre- or post- all at once. Spotting his chance, Jesus lunged forward and, with his arm out- drinking meal) and save the cup. Empty out the ice, slide in a fresh tallboy, stretched full length, chanced to tap the feisty demon upside the head. Jesus and voila! Once you’ve dropped a straw in you can sit back and laugh at took off on foot, but the feisty demon was on his trail, Jesus tap still sizzling. your poor thirsty friends. This one has never failed me, always ensuring Roy’s Garden Food Review that I arrive at whatever class, job, or funeral I need to be at suitably saucy. Kevin Gridley

By now you might be ready to progress from the rank of ‘alcoholic in Tucked away in Roy’s Square, just south and east of Bloor St. West and Yonge training’ to becoming a certified ONE MAN PARTY. For the preparation St., famous Chinese food is being lovingly fried up by the good cooks of Roy’s inclined, the vodka watermelon is hard to beat. No-one suspects the guy Garden - one of Toronto’s finest food deals. Fast and friendly is the service, deli- eating fruit. Make it interesting – the most creative method I’ve witnessed cious and inexpensive the fare, and enormous is the menu at Roy’s Garden, which yet would have to be the mobile coat bar. If it’s chilly enough for a bulky offers well over 130 different dishes and combinations, any number of which are coat place your beverage in the side pocket, and run a sufficient length of sure to please the diner. Open Monday to Friday from 11:00 – 9:00 and on Satur- plastic tubing right up to your pie hole! Everything about you will suggest a day noon to nine, Roy’s Garden, which offers both take out and dine in, is an ex- class act, unlike bossing the foam dome which always spells l-o-w-b-r-o-w. cellent option for any cash-strapped U of T student. For instance, one can pur- chase a Combo A for a mere $6.25, and be more than sated by the large portions And there you have it! Wave goodbye to the tyranny of temperance. Say of sweet and sour pork, chicken chop suey, chicken fried rice and egg roll they hello to shouted conversations, dancing on the seats to your godawful ring- receive in an overflowing Styrofoam container. Or if you are a strict subscriber tones, seriously considering peeing out the window, and other memorable to the four-dollar-a-day-so-I-can-get-wasted-tonight-food-budget that plagues moments you’ll forget the next day. It may still be hard out here for a pimp, far too much of the Victorian University population, simply downgrade to a de- but it just got a whole lot easier for a lush. Until next time, when I will con- licious combination of plain fried rice, an egg roll and chicken balls for the afore- tinue to show you miserable people How To Get Away With Everything! mentioned ludicrously low price. If one has a few friends who share their love of Music Video Break Chinese food, better still are Roy’s Garden deals for large parties, offering enor- mous combinations of food designed to rid up to six people of their hunger for less than sixty dollars. With noodle dishes, tons of seafood options, innumerable rice options, hot and spicy cuisine from szechaun, vegetarian dishes and more, Roy’s Garden is the place for students to find high-quality low-cost Chinese food. the wa page seven advice for porno stars (or materialism mechwarriors) LOOT BAG A Dystopian Excerpt From Goosebumps #237 Ask Alice Morty Stine Alice Blackwell

Thirty minutes away from Toronto and two months into Dear Alice, the onslaught. It started when we noticed belongings, our I masturbate to the Harry Potter books on a regular basis, especially the parts with Professor stuff, clumping together: clothes, appliances, olympic medals, Snape or Professor McGonagall in them. I am a girl. Is there something wrong with me? kitchen tables, cars, computers... everything physically gather- HPF ing together, forming into one shape, beginning to move. We noticed that the stuff was attacking when there was a wave Dear Harry Potter Fetish, of dead homeless, killed by their shopping carts. By the time My first suggestion to you is to go out and buy a pointed hat our military had discovered what was happening, large beasts and broomstick for your significant other. Secondly, I sus- made up of possessions had occupied the city. I have my rifle pect that, though you took it upon yourself to write to me, and the fatigues on my back only because they’re owned by you don’t really have a problem with your witchcraft fanta- the government, but I know that the shotgun my dad gave sies. Think about it this way: people who can’t play sports me and my first car from home are out there, hunting me. don’t spend their time wishing they could play ball. Last time I checked, dreaming about potions and magic spells while plea- We cross the Bloor Street Viaduct at 16 hours under a sky suring yourself didn’t hurt anyone, so go for it. Several times. unadulterated by aircraft, and see a monster made of things towering in the middle lane. It stands, covered with cloth- ing mutilated by gaping holes ripped in it; the rough move- Dear Alice, ment of the beast exposing its insides, a hideous mess of I met this really cool guy on my floor after a pub night and we multicoloured plastic, cotton & steel. I realize the beast talked until like three am in the common room and we slept in the is sensually aware as it kicks the 4x4 in front of us, full of same bed but now we don’t really talk and I didn’t even kiss him army men, over the edge of the bridge and into a great but there’s like this crazy emotional tension what the hell is this? Like, I don’t know. I’m sorry. black scar of metal and flesh in the middle of tent city. JW2S

Inside of the city, the buildings are intact. The streetlights still Dear Just Want To Snuggle, function, the people there look lost and dirty as they gather out- Congratulations, you have acquired yourself yet another awkmance. I say “another” because side, locking arms & burning their everythings. A well dressed I am certain you already have more than one awkmance; however, you lacked a word for man runs to the front of the group and begins to throw a box it. Guys, girls, attractive people, not so attractive people, everyone, have at least three awk- of office stuff into the fire. The crowd scatters as one of them mances. An awkmance (awkward romance) is when you have an undeniable spark with an- stops his aimless march, The truck stopped and we jumped other individual, verging on real chemistry, and yet there is something that will always hold out raising our guns, the beast took no immediate notice. both of you back from ever engaging in an actual physical and romantic relationship. Revel A Porn Review in the sense of relief you are now feeling that the tension you have been experiencing is Jessica Rabbit not all in your head. And, sorry, those uncomfortable moments when you walk by each other in the hallway are only going to go away when you’re both at different grad schools. Car Wash Angels 2 is not for the faint of heart, opening with images of, well you guessed it, women washing cars, with their Got a problem? Alice services any dilemma whether it is romantic, incestuous, criminal, or threaten- tits hanging out of bikinis that are ing to democracy. Send your question to [email protected] with ‘Ask Alice’ in the subject line. too small for them. But if the sexy Ranger Stocks’ Weather Report bikini clad girls washing cars don’t John Stocks get you, the next shot reveals a man really into a rim job, followed by some hard core anal action with some hot chick. A pseudo plot develops, but the plot isn’t really something worth following. It’s about the disappearance of a man named Elvis. What copious amounts of sex have to do with this is unknown to me, and who really follows the plot anyway? Are you more into girl on girl action? Well, Car Wash Angel 2 has got it all. From anal sex, to girl on girl action, to full orgy scenes, if you’re looking for something hardcore to satisfy your burning desire then this is the movie for you. My personal favorite line is when a scary looking blonde man wearing overalls asks a half naked girl, “ do you mind if I ask you a personal question, do you take it up the ass?” to which Mary Ellen replies “what type of question is that?” With dialogue like this how can this porn movie go wrong? THE WA ONLINE! HTTP://SURGERYISEASY.COM/WA VISIT THE MESSAGE BOARDS! the wa page eight