Make Mine Manhattan

Sketches and Lyrics by ARNOLD B. HORWITT

Music by RICHARD LEWINE

Directed by BEN WEST

Final Draft Mar. 4, 2012

UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. P.O. Box 722 New York, New York 10159 © Horwitt/Lewine www.unsungmusicals.org

CHARACTERS

Boy 1 (Nicolas Dromard) Boy 2 (Dennis O’Bannion) Boy 3 (Bret Shuford) Boy 4 (Greg Reuter) Girl 1 (Gabrielle Ruiz) Girl 2 (Nadine Isenegger) Girl 3 (Kristen J. Smith) Girl 4 (LaQuet Sharnell)

SKETCHES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS

“Anything Can Happen in New York” ...... B1 & Company “My Brudder and Me” ...... G1 & B2 Stage Door Fifi ...... B1, B2, B4, G2 & G4 “Old Fashioned Girl” ...... B1 “Manhattan in the Spring” ...... G2, G1 & G3 Hollywood Heads East ...... B2, B3, B4, G1, G2, G3 & G4 “Movie House in Manhattan” ...... G4 “I Don’t Know His Name” ...... G3 & B3 “Talk to Me” ...... B4 & G4 “Anything Can Happen in New York” ...... B1, G2 & G3 “Subway Song” ...... B3 “Gentleman Friend” ...... G3 & B3 “Saturday Night in Central Park” ...... G2, B2 & Company “Schrafft’s” ...... G4 “New York Gal” ...... G1 “I Gotta Have You” ...... B1 & G1 “I Fell in Love With You” ...... B3 & G3 Any Resemblance...... G1, B3 & B4 “Anything Can Happen in New York” ...... G1, B3 & B4 “Please Take It Back” ...... G4 “Good Old Days” ...... B1, B2 & B3 “Glad to Be Back” ...... Company MAKE MINE MANHATTAN Final Draft 3/4/12 1

MAKE MINE MANHATTAN

The authors’ original concept for “A Nice Place to Visit” (the original title of “Make Mine Manhattan”):

“A pocket revue, designed for a cast of eight, a small stage with either two pianos and rhythm, or a small orchestra.

The cast should be highly versatile – they sing, play in sketches, dance a few steps now and then and may act as one of the revolving narrators.

The look of the show is stylish but unpretentious. No curtain is necessary and only occasional, but simple, furniture and props are needed. Most of the time these are pushed or brought on stage by the cast themselves.

The scenes flow from one to the other almost as ‘dissolves’, and the whole atmosphere is light. The cast members enjoy what they’re doing and show it.”

#1 OPENING Pianos

The opening and “Anything Can Happen in New York” are performed by the company except Girl One and Girl Four.

BOY FOUR Hey, [name]! Where ‘ya goin’?

BOY ONE Movin’ to New York!

BOY TWO New York?

GIRL THREE You crazy?!

BOY THREE Hold on to your wallet, [name]!

GIRL TWO And your hat!

BOY TWO And your coat!

BOY ONE Well, I’m going. Besides, it’s not so bad.

GIRL TWO Listen to him, “not so bad”!

BOY FOUR It’s a nice place to visit...but I wouldn’t want to live there!

BOY ONE Well, here’s the thing: six million only slightly lunatic people do live here. And more of us keep arriving every day. By plane, by car, by boat...And we keep coming. You can’t stop us. Sure, it’s a nuthouse. And everybody knocks the place: they were insulted by a cab driver, or a waiter, they sat behind a pillar at the theatre for $25 a ticket. But it’s the big time, and there’s nowhere else like it. It’s got museums, the shops, big business, small business, galleries...the theatre!

#2 ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK Boy One & Company

BOY ONE (Cont’d) WHERE THE HUDSON RIVER MEETS THE SEA THERE’S A PECULIAR COMMUNITY ALL THE CITIZENS AGREE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK THERE COULD BE A DAY WITHOUT A CRIME AND A CUP OF COFFEE COST A DIME SUBWAYS EVEN RUN ON TIME

BOY ONE, GIRL TWO, BOY THREE & GIRL THREE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK!

BOY ONE T’WOULD CAUSE US NO DISMAY IF ONE FINE SUMMER DAY THE METS SHOULD REMEMBER HOW TO PLAY THE POPULACE KNOWS THAT ANYTHING GOES!

WALTER WINCHELL COULD DESERT THE STORK LUCIUS BEEBE EAT WITHOUT A FORK YOU MIGHT MEET A NEW YORKER WHO WAS BORN IN NEW YORK

BOY ONE & BOY TWO ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK!

COMPANY (WITHOUT GIRL ONE AND FOUR) ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK!

They dance.

COMPANY (Cont’d) THE BRONX COULD VANISH IN THE FOG SAINT PATRICK’S COULD BECOME A SYNAGOGUE JOGGERS COULD FORGET TO JOG ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK GOV’NER DEWEY COULD BECOME A RED WESTBROOK PEGLER GROW A SECOND HEAD BARB’RA HUTTON STAY WED ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK

NO ONE WOULD THINK IT WEIRD IF BROOKLYN DISAPPEARED OR MISSES ASTOR GREW A BEARD WE’D TAKE IT IN STRIDE MUNICIPAL PRIDE!

GRASS COULD GROW UPON DURANTE’S NOSE GROVER WHALEN MARRY BROADWAY ROSE

BOY ONE OKLAHOMA MIGHT CLOSE!

COMPANY ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK

Blackout. Girl One appears with stool and hat to collect change as she and her brother dance on the street.

#3 MY BRUDDER AND ME Girl One & Boy Two

GIRL ONE MY BRUDDER AND ME WE LIKE TO DANCE BUT WE NEVER GET TO GO TO THE STORK CLUB OR THE PLAZA CAUSE WE HAVEN’T GOT THE DOUGH IF WE EVER WENT TO THE WALDORF WE’D BE HAULED OFF BY THE COPS BUT WE FOUND A SPOT WHERE THE RHYTHM IS HOT AND THE MUSIC NEVER STOPS

MY BRUDDER AND ME ARE EASY TO FIND ALONG BROADWAY THERE’S A CHROMIUM PLATED PHONOGRAPH STORE THAT’S WHERE WE STAY MY BRUDDER AND ME WE WAIT TILL WE HEAR THAT MUSIC PLAY THEN WE OPEN UP OUR PRIVATE SIDE WALK CABARET AND THERE ISN’T ANY COVER CHARGE JUST A SUBWAY FARE AND BACK NEAR THE CORNER IS A COFFEE SHOP

WHEN WE WANT TO HAVE A SNACK SLIP THE MUSTARD TO ME, JACK

MY BRUDDER AND ME ARE HAVIN’ OURSELVES A JAMBOREE YOU CAN GO AND BREAK THE NEWS TO MOTHER THAT WE WON’T BE HOME TILL THREE MY EVER-LOVIN’ JITTERBUGGIN’ BRUDDER AND ME!

She and Boy Two dance.

YOU CAN GO AND BREAK THE NEWS TO MOTHER THAT WE WON’T BE HOME TILL THREE MY EVER-LOVIN’ JITTERBUGGIN’ BRUDDER AND ME!

#3A PLAYOFF: MY BRUDDER AND ME Pianos

Lights up on the doorman and a showgirl. Boy One appears opposite in a special.

STAGE DOOR FIFI

BOY ONE This pal of mine come into town on business a lot. Real sophisticated guy. He stays in one of those big downtown hotels. I told him I wanted to have a night on the town. Come to find out, he knows a lot of Broadway showgirls, so he went and arranged a blind date for me. How ‘bout that! A real Broadway showgirl! Fifi! That’s her name. Fifi! It was all set: I was supposed to pick her up at the Belasco stage door after her show.

Lights to full on stage door scene.

GIRL TWO See ‘ya later, Gus.

Boy Two runs in with flowers.

BOY TWO Hey, doll!

GIRL TWO You’re late!

She storms off.

BOY TWO Baby, c’mon!

GIRL TWO I told you about this!

Boy Two follows her offstage and hands flowers off to Boy One on the way.

BOY TWO Good luck, pal!

BOY ONE Hey, thanks! (He goes to doorman.) Excuse me, sir. I have a date with Fifi. Could I...?

DOORMAN (BOY FOUR) Stay there, Buster. I’ll get ‘er. (As he exits.) Fifi!

BOY ONE (To doorman.) Thank you! (Out.) Wow! A real life, head-to-toe, sweeter than spring, Broadway showgirl! And I’ve got the evening all planned: a quiet supper, maybe some champagne...

FIFI (GIRL FOUR) Hi, buster. You Al’s friend? C’mon, you can jump on the back of my bike. We’re goin’ to a protest.

BOY ONE Are you Fifi?

FIFI What‘dja expect, Shirley Temple? C’mon, let’s go!

BOY ONE Gee...thanks. I mean, no thanks. Protests really aren’t my thing.

FIFI No sweat.

She goes with flowers.

BOY ONE Gee...(Music in.)...whatever happened to just....“girls”?!

#4 OLD FASHIONED GIRL Boy One

BOY ONE (Cont’d) CALL ME A DREAMER, A CHASER OF RAINBOWS A BUILDER OF CASTLES IN THE BLUE BUT I HAVE A VISION OF BEAUTY I TREASURE I’LL SHARE IT NOW WITH YOU

I WANT A GIRL WHO’S AN OLD FASHIONED GIRL LIKE THE KIND THAT WENT OUT WITH PA A LOVINGLY DUTIFUL, STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BUNDLE OF JE NE SAIS QUOI I’LL BUILD HER A NEST ON CENTRAL PARK WEST TO WHICH I ALONE HAVE THE KEY

IF SHE’LL BE THE TOY WHO’S A PERMANENT JOY TO AN OLD FASHIONED BOY LIKE ME

WHEN EVE’NING SHADOWS LENGTHEN I’LL HURRY TO HER SIDE IMPATIENTLY SHE’S WAITED SHE CANNOT BE DENIED SHE’LL DRESS IN FLIMSY FINERY I’LL WEAR MY SULKA GOWN WE’LL HAVE A SNACK OF CAVIAR CHAMPAGNE TO WASH IT DOWN WE’LL WHISPER SWEET ENDEARMENTS WE’LL TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW FOR SOON THE TIME APPROACHES TO WATCH THE LATE LATE SHOW

I WANT A GIRL WHO’S AN OLD FASHIONED GIRL LIKE THE GIRLS I KNEW USED TO BE A LOVABLE MOUSE WHO’D ENJOY PLAYING HOUSE WHEN A FELLOW NEEDS COMPANY I’LL BUY HER A BLOCK OF OLD FASHIONED STOCK LIKE AMERICAN T. AND T. AN INNOCENT LASS WHO WILL ROMP THRU THE GRASS WITH AN OLD FASHIONED GAS LIKE ME A SWEET HONEY BUN WHO IS KEPT ON THE RUN BY A BARREL OF FUN LIKE ME

Boy One leaves the stage as Girl Two enters opposite him. Direct musical segue.

#5 MANHATTAN IN THE SPRING Girl Two, Girl One & Girl Three

GIRL TWO ALL OF A SUDDEN, A BUD IS BUDDIN’ WHERE NONE WAS BUDDIN’ BEFORE THAT’S A SIGN THAT SPRING HAS COME TO MANHATTAN ISLE AND SO, I’M HOPIN’ IT STAYS AROUND A WHILE

IN MANHATTAN IN THE SPRING GEE, BUT IT’S GAY IN A DIFF’RENT SORT OF WAY LOVE BEGINS A BLOSSOMING KIDS IN THE HALL WRITE I LOVE YOU ON THE WALLS THE CHECKER GAMES BEGIN AGAIN IN WASHINGTON SQUARE AND THE SMELL OF CARMON MONOXIDE FILLS THE AIR, EV’RYWHERE TAXI DRIVERS START TO SING ALL OVER TOWN CAUSE IT’S SO MUCH FUN TO RUN YOU DOWN IN SPRING

IN MERRY OLD MANHATTAN IN THE SPRING

She dances. The other girls enter.

GIRL ONE WHEN LANDLORDS ON DELANCY STREET ARE BUSY TURNING OFF THE HEAT

GIRL THREE LOVERS UP IN CENTRAL PARK TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DARK

GIRL ONE EV’RY WINDOW OPENS WIDE SO ALL THE DIRT CAN GET INSIDE

GIRL THREE WHEN BLOSSOMS BLOSS

GIRL ONE AND CRICKETS CRICK

GIRL ONE, GIRL TWO & GIRL THREE AND ROBINS START TO SING WHEN SWEET YOUNG LADIES GET THEMSELVES A BRAND NEW WEDDING RING

GIRL TWO THEN YOU REALLY KNOW IT’S SPRING

GIRL ONE, GIRL TWO & GIRL THREE TRA, LA, LA, LA, LA, IT’S SPRING

IN MANHATTAN IN THE SPRING KNEE DEEP IN SLUSH DOWN FIFTH AVENUE YOU MUSH ON THE FIRST FINE DAY OF SPRING YOUNG FOLKS AND OLD CATCH THEMSELVES A DEATH OF COLD THE OPEN ROAD IS CALLING YOU THE AIR IS SO NICE AND THE USED-CAR AUTOMOBILE MEN RAISE THEIR PRICE, ONCE OR TWICE NOT A BIRDIE ON THE WING BUT AIRPLANES GO BY WRITING PEPSI COLA IN THE SKY IN SPRING IN MERRY OLD MANHATTAN IN THE SPRING

As applause peaks from previous item, Boy Two enters, blows whistle and yells: “Cut!”. Then we transition into the sketch as Ronald enters and the set elements are brought onstage.

HOLLYWOOD HEADS EAST

RONALD (BOY THREE) It’s nearly twelve-thirty. Are you sure Mr. Bigelow is coming?

AMY (GIRL THREE) Don’t worry, Mr. Blaine. Byron Bigelow is never more than three hours late for a film shoot. (Screaming heard offstage.) I’ll bet that’s Mr. Bigelow now.

Byron Bigelow enters.

BIGELOW (BOY FOUR) Is everything ready? Can we start shooting the picture?

AMY Right away, Mr. Bigelow. We’re starting with the bench scene, Mr. Bigelow. You wanna hear them run their lines first?

BIGELOW Very well.

AMY Actors, lines please.

The two actors go through their lines.

GWENDOLINE (GIRL ONE) It’s been a wonderful day, hasn’t it, Ronald?

RONALD Yes, Gwendoline. The nicest ever.

GWENDOLINE The skyline from the ferry – the hansom through the park – Riverside Drive...

RONALD It seemed as if I was seeing them for the first time.

Bigelow cuts them off.

BIGELOW All right, we’ll take it.

AMY Yes, Mr. Bigelow!

BIGELOW Friends, we are about to begin work on a new Byron Bigelow production titled “Alone in New York”. It will be a genuine Byron Bigelow epic, and I have no doubt that when the picture is finally released, the name of New York will become known all over the world. And now – on with the picture!

AMY Places, everybody! Lights!

PETE (BOY TWO) Right!

AMY Sound?

PETE Right!

AMY Alone in New York. Scene Three. Take one!

BIGELOW Action!

The two actors now “act” with feeling.

GWENDOLINE It’s been a wonderful day, hasn’t it, Ronald?

RONALD Yes, Gwendoline. The nicest ever.

GWENDOLINE The skyline from the ferry – the hansom through the park – Riverside Drive...

RONALD It seemed as if I was seeing them for the first time...

Jackie, a Bronx character, has entered and sits on the stoop reading the paper.

BIGELOW Cut! Uhmm...excuse, Ms...

JACKIE (GIRL FOUR) Santamicci. Jackie Santamicci.

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci, I am Byron Bigelow.

JACKIE Hmmm.

BIGELOW I am Byron Bigelow, the famous Hollywood director!

JACKIE Hmmm.

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci! (She looks up.) It happens we are making a motion picture here. It happens we are making a Byron Bigelow production costing three million dollars which it happens you are personally sabotaging!

She shrugs.

JACKIE Ehhhhhh!

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci, what do you mean by that expression?

JACKIE For ten years, I live here in this house. For ten years, every day I sit on this bench reading my magazine. So when some buttinsky comes along in a red beret and tells me I am personally sabotaging, I say to him: “ehhhhh”.

BIGELOW Get her off the bench! Get the Mayor! Get the Governor! Do Something!

JACKIE Believe me, you catch more flies with honey.

BIGELOW Amy!!!

AMY Wait, Mr. Bigelow, I have an idea.

BIGELOW Impossible!

AMY No, listen. We’re making a picture about New York. In New York, people like Ms. Santamicci sit on benches. So why not hire her to sit here? It’ll be very realistic.

BIGELOW I should pay her $20 a day to sit here saying “ehhhhh”?

AMY It’ll be a sensational touch in the picture, Mr. Bigelow. Real, human, sincere. (To Jackie.) But you’ll have to be absolutely quiet. You gotta remember we’re making a movie.

JACKIE You’re making a movie, so make. (She goes back to paper.) Me you wouldn’t disturb.

AMY Places, everybody! Lights!

PETE Right!

AMY Sound!

PETE Right!

AMY Alone in New York. Scene Three. Take Two!

BIGELOW Action!

GWENDOLINE It’s been a wonderful day, hasn’t it, Ronald?

RONALD Yes, Gwendoline. The nicest ever.

GWENDOLINE The skyline from the ferry – the hansom through the park – Riverside Drive...

RONALD It seemed as if I was seeing them for the first time. Just imagine, darling – four hours ago we didn’t even know each other.

Jackie has begun to hum.

GWENDOLINE It all seems so strange. I’ve never done anything like this before. Back home in Nebraska, nice girls never talk to a man without a proper introduction...

BIGELOW Actors hold, please! Keep rolling. Ms. Santamicci?

JACKIE Yes?

BIGELOW Why are you singing?

JACKIE I’m singing because I’m happy! It’s a beautiful day...the sun is shining...

BIGELOW But we’re making a picture!

JACKIE So it’ll hurt you to make it a musical picture?

AMY Still rolling! Actors going on.

RONALD And this is where you live, Gwendoline?

GWENDOLINE Yes, mother and I were very lucky. We found a darling little flat on the third floor.

JACKIE Ehhhhh!

BIGELOW Cut! What, Ms. Santamicci, is disturbing you now?

JACKIE It’s ridiculous.

BIGELOW And what is ridiculous?

JACKIE The girl says she lives on the third floor.

BIGELOW Yes?

JACKIE But where on the third floor is she living? In apartment 3A is Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz. In apartment 3B is Mr. and Mrs. Dominick. In apartment 3C...

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci!

JACKIE Yes?

BIGELOW The girl lives o the third floor because in the script it says she lives on the third floor!

JACKIE But where on the third floor is she living? In apartment 3A...

BIGELOW She lives on the third floor by dramatic license!

JACKIE You found her an apartment by dramatic license?

BIGELOW Exactly!

JACKIE So maybe by dramatic license you can find an apartment for my brother?

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci, may I remind you that you are now an employee of mine!

JACKIE So?

BIGELOW Getting twenty dollars a day!

JACKIE So?

BIGELOW So an employee making $20 a day doesn’t open up her big, fat, stupid mouth!

JACKIE So I quit!

BIGELOW Amy!

AMY Don’t worry, Mr. Bigelow! Ms. Santamicci, please! Let’s take it from “It all seems so strange.” Lights!

PETE Right!

AMY Sound!

PETE Right!

AMY Alone in New York. Scene Three. Take Three.

JACKIE So take, take.

BIGELOW Action!

RONALD Gwendoline, I don’t quite know how to say this, but – I seem to have fallen in love with you.

GWENDOLINE Oh, Ronald!

RONALD Yes, Gwendoline, I love you! I want you to be my wife!

GWENDOLINE Oh, Ronald!

RONALD Here, take this ring – it’s yours...!

JACKIE Cut! (Bigelow reacts.) How come he’s in such a big hurry, ha?

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci...!

JACKIE Since when a feller meets a girl and right away he asks her to marry him?

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci...!

JACKIE And since when he’s carrying engagement rings around in every pocket?

BIGELOW Ms. Santamicci, you are criticizing the work of one of America’s greatest writers...

JACKIE Ehhhhh.

BIGELOW Last year his play won the Pulitzer Prize...!

JACKIE Ehhhhh.

BIGELOW And the Critics Award...

JACKIE Ehhhhhh.

BIGELOW Every time he sits down at a typewriter it costs me $100,000!

JACKIE So give him a pencil! If you ask me, Bigelow, you’re throwing away your money. If I would run my business the way you run yours, I’d be bankrupt one, two, three.

BIGELOW Don’t tell me about your business. I can imagine!

JACKIE But you can’t imagine! When I make a garment...

BIGELOW A garment? What I forgot about garments...!

JACKIE Everybody knows about garments. Let me tell you, Bigelow, to make a hocus-pocus about a girl she meets a feller and makes goo-goo and they get married, this anybody can do. But to make a first- class garment...!

BIGELOW Look who’s telling me about garments!

JACKIE I suppose you know how to lay out a pattern?

BIGELOW I know...I know...

He gestures the process.

JACKIE Without waste?

BIGELOW Without waste!

JACKIE And you know how to cut lining on the bias?

BIGELOW I cut lining straight!

JACKIE And you know how to bind a hem?

BIGELOW I never bind a hem – I make a French stitch.

AMY But Mr. Bigelow...

BIGELOW Yes, Amy, what is it?

AMY The picture? What are we gonna do about the picture?

BIGELOW The picture?

ALL Ehhhhhh.

#5A PLAYOFF: MANHATTAN IN THE SPRING Pianos

Lights up on Boy One in a special.

BOY ONE I have here a list of New York’s most pressing problems. “Budget deficit. Not enough money for schools, hospitals, police, firemen. Transit worker strike.” At least it’s not the sanitation department. During the sanitation strike, the garbage was piled everywhere 10-feet high. But you know New Yorkers. Resourceful...creative. One guy used to put his garbage in his car every night and lock it up tight. In the morning, it was gone. Stolen!

Blackout. Lights restore on Girl Four.

#6 MOVIE HOUSE IN MANHATTAN Girl Four

GIRL FOUR THERE’S A CINEMA LOCATED ON PARK AVENUE SUCH AS YOU NEVER KNEW WHERE MINNIE MOUSE’S SPOUSE IS KNOWN AS MICHAEL MOUSE IT’S A MOVIE HOUSE THAT DAZZLES EV’RY VISITOR IT COULDN’T BE EXQUISITER IT’S SUCH A LOVELY SIGHT, YOU WANT TO STAY ALL NIGHT

THERE’S A MOVIE HOUSE IN MANHATTAN THAT’S FOR ONLY THE UPPER CRUST THE USHERS COME EXCLUSIVELY FROM NEW YORK’S ARISTOCRACY ALL THE DOORMEN THERE WENT TO PRINCETON AND THE HOSTESS WEARS HARRY WINSTON THEY SPRINKLE CHANEL ON ALL THE CHAIRS OLD MASTERS ARE HUNG ABOVE THE STAIRS THERE’S A SEP’RATE JOHN FOR THE MILLIONAIRES IN THIS MOST ELEGANT HOUSE

THERE’S A STRING QUARTET THAT PLAYS ALL DAY IMPORTED CHAMPAGNE AND A HOT BUFFET A BEAUTY SALON THAT CAN’T BE MISSED

AND A RESIDENT PSYCHOANALYST

THERE’S A MOVIE HOUSE IN MANHATTAN WITH A QUALITY THAT’S UNIQUE THE BALCONY SEATS HAVE BOTTLE RACKS DESIGNED FOR DIPSOMANIACS THEY HAVE SATURDAY MATINEES THERE FOR THE CHILDREN OF DIVORCEES THERE THE LOVE-SEATS ARE VERY DEFTLY WEAVED SO PRIVATE THEY JUST CAN’T BE BELIEVED AND MANY A BLUE-BLOOD HAS BEEN CONCEIVED IN THIS MOST ELEGANT HOUSE

THERE’S A MARKET TICKER NEAR THE DOOR A BROKERAGE FIRM ON THE SECOND FLOOR IF THE STOCKS YOU BUY SHOULD BRING YOU GLOOM YOU CAN SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HUNTING ROOM

THERE’S A MOVIE HOUSE IN MANHATTAN WITH CONVENIENCES BY THE SCORE WITHIN THE GARDEN ORCHIDS BLOOM LIZZE ARDEN RUNS THE POWDER ROOM YOU CAN FISH FOR YOUR FAVORITE TROUT THERE DEBUTANTES HAVE THEIR COMING-OUT THERE DOWNSTAIRS IS A POOL AND A SKATING RINK AND EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK SO NOBODY CARES IF THE PICTURES STINK IN THIS MOST ELEGANT HOUSE

Blackout. The lights restore on park scene. A couple strolls across followed by Girl Three and Boy Three from opposite sides of the stage. They pass each other. Boy Three continues on his journey.

#7 I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME Girl Three & Boy Three

GIRL THREE LOVE THAT COMES AT FIRST SIGHT WON’T ALWAYS ENDURE HEARTS MUST GROW FAMILIAR UNTIL YOU’RE REALLY SURE THEY WHY AM I SO UPSET BY A BOY I HAVEN’T MET

THO’ I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME I LOVE THE BOY I LOVE THE BOY ACROSS THE WAY EV’RY TIME WE MEET I LONG TO SAY BREATHLESSLY WILL YOU MARRY ME TODAY? OH SEEMS SUCH A SHAME HE MIGHT FEEL THE SAME BUT I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME

The music swells as Boy Three enters and their eyes meet. However, Boy One bursts into the scene.

BOY ONE Why is it when I go to a show, someone’s always making noise. It doesn’t matter where I sit. They find me. There they are. They’re rustling paper. They talk, they cough, people with digestive problems. They always find me. If I move to the balcony, they’ve got someone up there waiting for me. (He notices her.) Oh, sorry.

Boy One exits as they continue with scene.

BOY THREE THO’ I DON’T KNOW HER NAME I LOVE THE GIRL I LOVE THE GIRL ACROSS THE WAY WHEN SHE PASSES BY I LONG TO SAY “HOW DE-DO, CAN I MARRY YOU TODAY?” BUT OF COURSE I’M TOO SHY TO TELL THE GIRL I DON’T EVEN TRY TO SAY HELLO OH SEEMS SUCH A SHAME SHE MIGHT FEEL THE SAME BUT I DON’T KNOW HER NAME

GIRL THREE & BOY THREE WHEN WILL I DISCOVER MY LOVER’S NAME?

Blackout. Lights restore on empty stage as Girl Four enters followed by Boy Four.

#8 TALK TO ME Boy Four & Girl Four

BOY FOUR I TOOK YOU OUT TO DINNER, DIDN’T I? AND I TOOK YOU TO THE THEATRE, DIDN’T I? AND I TOOK YOU TO A NIGHTCLUB, DIDN’T I?

GIRL FOUR YESSIRREE YESSIRREE

BOY FOUR I BOUGHT YOU AN ORCHID, DIDN’T I? AND THAT KEWPIE DOLL YOU WANTED, DIDN’T I? NOW DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME THAT YOU DID SOMETHING FOR ME?

GIRL FOUR NOW PLEASE DON’T THINK I’M THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT JUST BECAUSE SHE’S INVITED BY A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX TO ACCOMPANY HIM TO A SHOW OR A MOVIE OR A BALL CONSIDERS THAT THIS OTHER PERSON CAN BEHAVE

IN A VERY PERSONAL MANNER ‘CAUSE PERSON’LLY SPEAKING I’M NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSONALITY AT ALL ON YOUR EMOTIONS KINDLY KEEP A GRIP SHOULD YOU WISH TO CONTINUE OUR ACQUAINTANCESHIP

TALK TO ME

BOY FOUR ONCE I FOUND A FOUR LEAF CLOVER I LIKE DOGS WHOSE NAME IS ROVER SUMMER’S PRETTY NEARLY OVER PEOPLE SAY

GIRL FOUR TALK TO ME!

BOY FOUR WHAT’S THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE SMOKING CUTS YOUR WIND RESISTANCE I TAKE WALKS FOR QUITE A DISTANCE EV’RY DAY MY CARDS ARE ON THE TABLE WHY LEAVE ME SO FORLORN PRETEND THAT I’M CLARK GABLE NOT H.V. KALTENBORN

GIRL FOUR TALK TO ME

BOY FOUR OTHER GIRLS ARE SWEET AND DREAMY BUT SOMEHOW EACH TIME YOU SEE ME ALL YOU DO IS THIRD DEGREE ME ALL THE DAY THROUGH WHY MUST I KEEP TALKING TO YOU?

GIRL FOUR CHINA’S IN A BAD CONDITION ARE YOU FOND OF DEEP-SEA FISHIN’? RAIN IS COMING SOON, I’M CERTAIN WHAT’S BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN LOOKS TO ME LIKE STOCKS WILL KEEP ON BOOMIN? WOULD YOU EVER VOTE FOR HARRY TRUMAN? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO WACO LUCKY STRIKE MEANS FINE TOBACCO FRANK SINATRA...

He cuts her off with a long kiss.

BOY FOUR TALK TO ME!

GIRL FOUR NEVER MIND THE CONVERSATION I’LL SUPPLY THE PUNCTUATION HERE’S A NICER OCCUPATION

JUST FOR US TWO IT’S HEAVEN NOT TALKING TO YOU!

The lights fade on the scene. They restore on Boy One in a special. He is later joined by two girls. Music under.

#9 ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NY Boy One, Girl Two & Girl Three

BOY ONE All over the world they’re called tourists. Not in New York. We call them Out-of-Towners. Couldn’t tell you why. You see them all over. Rockefeller Center, Fifth Avenue, Times Square. And they’re speaking every language under the sun. The Europeans have children and binoculars. The Japanese have cameras. They photograph everything. St. Patrick’s, the zoo, policemen, garbage cans...anything. We also got people from all over the U.S.A., so you hear a lot of American spoken too.

He sings. YOU’LL HEAR EVERY LANGUAGE BUT YOUR OWN TALK TO NEIGHBORS ON THEIR COD-A-PHONE LONELY, BUT YOU’RE NOT ALONE

BOY ONE & GIRL THREE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK! CENTRAL PARK COULD MOVE TO HACKENSACK LINCOLN CENTER BE A TROTTING TRACK GETTING MARRIED COULD COME BACK

BOY ONE, GIRL THREE & GIRL TWO ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK

YOU’LL MEET THE UPPER CRUST WHERE MONEY’S NOT DISCUSSED EXCEPT WHEN FIRMS GO BUST THEN DOWN ON THE STREET, THEY AIN’T SO ELITE

GIRL THREE DO YOU WANT TO BE SUPREMELY WISE?

GIRL TWO TAXI DRIVERS WILL PHILOSOPHIZE

BOY ONE WHILE YOU WATCH THE METER RISE

BOY ONE, GIRL THREE & GIRL TWO ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK

They exit as Boy Three enters. Direct musical segue.

#10 SUBWAY SONG Boy Three

BOY THREE I’M IN LOVE WITH A GIRL AND SHE LOVES ME TOO BUT OUR LOVE LIFE IS HARDLY COMPLETE ‘CAUSE SHE LIVES IN BROOKLYN ON NEW LOTS AVENUE AND I LIVE IN THE BRONX ON TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SECOND STREET

EV’RY TIME THAT I SEE HER IT THRILLS ME THRU BUT IT’S SELDOM THAT WE GET TO MEET ‘CAUSE SHE’S DEEP IN BROOKLYN ON NEW LOTS AVENUE AND I LIVE IN THE BRONX ON TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SECOND STREET

WE NEVER BILL AND COO THE WAY YOUNG PEOPLE DO OH, NO, NOT WE THOSE MIDNIGHT HOURS OF BLISS WHEN OTHER COUPLES HUG AND KISS WE SPEND ON THE I.R.T. YOU CAN TELL THE CONDUCTOR AND THE MOTORMAN TOO MISTER CUPID WENT DOWN TO DEFEAT SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BROOKLYN ON NEW LOTS AVENUE AND MY LITTLE GREY HOME IN THE BRONX ON TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SECOND STREET

OH IT’S AW’FULLY HARD TO BE A GAY YOUNG LOCHINVAR WHEN YOU’RE STANDING WITH YOUR SWEETIE IN A SUBWAY CAR FOR EXAMPLE WHEN YOU HOLD HER HAND SHE KIND OF PURRS BUT THE TRAIN’S SO PACKED YOU CAN’T BE SURE YOU’RE HOLDING HERS YOU MAY THINK OF PRETTY THINGS TO WHISPER IN HER EAR BUT THE TRAIN IS MAKING SO MUCH NOISE THAT SHE CAN’T HEAR THERE’S A GUY WHO SOMEHOW MANAGES DESPITE THE CRUNCH TO UNWRAP AND START TO EAT A THREE-COURSE PICNIC LUNCH THERE’S ANOTHER GUY WHO WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED POUNDS OR SO WHICH WOULD BE OKAY EXCEPT HE’S STANDING ON YOUR TOE THO’ YOU’VE PUT A BRAND NEW SHIRT ON AND YOUR SUIT IS PRESSED BY THE TIME YOU GET TO BORO HALL YOU’RE HALF UNDRESSED THEN YOU TAKE THE GIRL HOME AND AT LAST YOU’RE ALONE AND YOU CLING AND YOU CLING AND YOU CLING BUT BY THEN YOU’RE TOO EXHAUSTED TO DO A DOGGONE THING

I’M BEGINNING TO WONDER WHAT ROMEO WOULD DO

WOULD HE THINK JULIET WAS SO SWEET IF SHE LIVED IN BROOKLYN ON NEW LOTS AVENUE

He speaks. And then he took the Lexington avenue local to Queens Plaza and waited for the Broadway 7th Ave local which runs only once every thirty-five minutes after midnight and takes an hour and a half to get to the Bronx...

He sings. ON TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SECOND STREET!

Blackout. Lights restore on Girl Three and her doorman carrying several new boxes of clothing.

#11 GENTLEMAN FRIEND Girl Three & Boy Three

GIRL THREE I GOT MY SELF A HAT WITH CHERRIES AND A BRAND NEW YELLER DRESS IT ISN’T VERY HARD TO GUESS I’M GETTING’ SET TO TELL A FELLER YES! I WENT AND DID SOME WINDOW SHOPPING AND I’VE GOT A RING IN MIND THE WEDDING KIND

I’M RIDING HIGH AND I APPROVE OF THE TREND LOOK WHAT I FOUND ME I GOT MYSELF A GENTLEMAN FRIEND THE SUNNY SKY SEEMS LIKE IT NEVER WILL END WHEN HE’S AROUND ME I’M REFERRIN’ TO MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

HIS KIND OF KISSIN’ SUITS ME TO THE “T” WHEAT I WAS MISSING IN THE USED-TO-BE I’M GETTING’ FREQUENTLY AND SO GOODBYE TO CARES THAT HOUND ME IS IT ANY WONDER I WANNA LAUGH AND SING AND CRY GONNA LOVE HIM ‘TIL I DIE MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

She dances as Boy Three appears. Slowly they begin to dance together. Blackout. The following number is performed by the company without Boy Four and Girl Four.

#12 SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK Girl Two, Boy Two & Company

GIRL TWO THERE’S SOME GOING’S ON IN CENTRAL PARK THAT STRIKE A MAN/GIRL AS WEIRD

BOY TWO SOME GOIN’S ON IN CENTRAL PARK THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU NEVER HEAR-ED

GIRL TWO FROM SUNDAY MORN TILL FRIDAY IT’S PEACEFUL ON THE MALL

BOY TWO BUT SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK BEJABBERS WHAT A BRAWL!

GIRL TWO EV’RYONE’S GOT THAT EASY FEELIN’ EVEN THE DOGS FORGET TO BARK SOON AS THEY START VIRGINIA REELIN’ SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK

BOY TWO JITTERBUG JIVE AND SUZY QU’IN HASN’T A CHANCE TO MAKE IT’S MARK NOTHIN’S ALLOWED BUT SQUARE DANCE DOIN’ SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK

GIRL TWO THE BAND ON THE STAND GETS THE SIGNAL TO START A JOHN PAUL JONES

BOY TWO AND DO-SEE-DO A ROUND THEY GO

GIRL TWO GALLIVANTING SAY ISN’T IT ENCHANTING

BOY TWO & GIRL TWO AFTERWARDS THERE’LL BE TIME FOR KISSIN’ PLENTY OF BENCHES IN THE DARK JIMINY CRICKETS DON’T BE MISSING SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK!

COMPANY OUT OF THEIR CARS AND CABS AND BUSES MORE AND MORE PEOPLE DISEMBARK GOT TO GO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK SOON AS THE FIDDLER BRINGS HIS BOW DOWN YOU CAN HEAR EV’RYONE REMARK NEVER HEARD SUCH A LOW DOWN HOEDOWN

SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK

THE GUY WITH THE ICE CREAM AND SODA IS DOING MIGHTY FINE THE PRETZEL MAN SELLS ALL HE CAN HEAR THE CHEERIN’, WHEN THEY BRING THE BEER IN

AFTERWARDS THERE’LL BE TIME FOR KISSING PLENTY OF BENCHES IN THE DARK JIMINY CRICKETS, DON’T BE MISSING SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK

They dance.

TENEMENT KID AND JUNIOR LEAGUER COLLEGE PROFESSOR, BILLIARD SHARK EVERYONE THERE IS JUST AS EAGER SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK MR. O’ROURKE AND MRS. LEVY DOIN’ A CORN DANCE CATCH THE SPARK EVERYTHING SEEMS SO NEW YEAR’S EVE-Y SATURDAY NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK

Blackout.

#13 SCHRAFFT’S Girl Four

GIRL FOUR OH I’VE BEEN TO ZANZIBAR AND TO FAR-OFF MADAGASCAR AND THE MOST INTREPID MOOSE STARTS TO SHIVER IN HIS SHOES WHEN HE HEARS I’M ON THE LOOSE IN MAINE OH I’VE VISITED BENGAL AND THE RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL THERE’S A MAIDEN THAT I MET IN THE TEMPLES OF TIBET WHO IS LOOKING FOR ME YET IN VAIN MANY THE MARVELOUS SIGHT I’VE SEEN MANY THE FABULOUS PLACE I’VE BEEN BUT NONE CAN COMPARE WITH THE JOY SO RARE WHEN I’M SITTING THERE WITH THE BILL OF FARE

SCHRAFFT’S! THERE IS A TINGLE IN THE NAME SCHRAFFT’S! WHERE ALL THE DISHES TASTE THE SAME YOUR HEART WILL SING YOUR SOUL WILL FEEL EXALTED ORDERING A DOUBLE FROSTED CHOCOLATE MALTED SCHRAFFT’S! WHERE YOU CAN EAT RIGHT OFF THE FLOOR SCHRAFFT’S! AND YOU’LL ENJOY IT EVEN MORE

TAKE OFF YOUR SHOW AND POSSIBLY YOUR GIRDLE TOO IN SCHRAFFT’S SCHRAFFT’S, SCHRAFFT’S!

THERE’S A HOSTESS TO GREET YOU AND A HOSTESS TO SEAT YOU AND A HOSTESS WHO’S GIVING THE COMMANDS THERE’S A GIRL WHO BRINGS THE WATER AND A GIRL WHO TAKES YOUR ORDER AND A GIRL WHO DON’T DO NOTHIN’ SHE JUST STANDS THEN COMES THE MOMENT WHEN YOU FEEL GAY AS ANY BRIDE YOU OPEN UP THE MENU AND GOD ALMIGHTY, THE THINGS INSIDE ASPARAGUS TIPS WITH BUTTERSCOTCH SYRUP SURROUNDED BY SARDINES HARDBOILED EGG WITH MARASCHINO CHERRIES IN MONOGRAMMED TUREENS CREAM OF WHEAT WITH PISTACHIO NUTS! CHILI CON CARNE WITH MARSHMALLOW SAUCE THEN FOR DESSERT A MOCHA COCOANUT DEEP DISH CUSTARD PIE WITH RUSSIAN DRESSING OF COURSE

SCHRAFFT’S! WHERE ALL THE HELP ARE SO WELL-BRED SCHRAFFT’S! YOU SHOULD BE SERVING THEM IN STEAD THE WAITRESS THERE WILL THROW YOU IN THE GUTTER IF YOU DARE REQUEST A SECOND PATTER OF BUTTER SCHRAFFT’S! THE FULL COURSE DINNER I HAVE HEARD SCHRAFFT’S! WOULD FILL UP ANY HUMMING BIRD YOU CAN EAT ALL NIGHT IT WON’T AFFECT YOUR APPETITE IN SCHRAFFT’S! SCHRAFFT’S! SCHRAFFT’S! SCHRAFFT’S! SCHRAFFT’S! SCHRAFFT’S!

Blackout. The lights restore on Girl One getting ready for her waitress job.

#14 NEW YORK GAL Girl One

GIRL ONE I LIVE ON THE NINETEENTH FLOOR I LIKE THE CITY AND FURTHERMORE I LOVE THE SOUND OF MY NEIGHBOR’S SNORE I’M A NEW YORK GAL I RIDE ON THE I.R.T. AND NO ONE EVER GETS UP FOR ME THEY BETTER NOT ‘TIL I’M EIGHTY-THREE I’M A NEW YORK GAL

THERE’S A LIFE THAT’S PURE AND RURAL IT’S WHAT I’VE LEFT BEHIND I FEEL NO YEN FOR A FARAWAY GLEN WHERE EACH EVENING AT TEN YOU LOSE YOUR MIND

NEW YORK’S WHERE I WORK AND PLAY IT SUITS ME FINE AND I PLAN TO STAY I CAME FROM SOMEWHERE IN I-O-WAY I’M A NEW YORK GAL I’M A NEW YORK GAL

Boy One has appeared. Girl One goes offstage and Boy One speaks. Music under.

BOY ONE Bet you didn’t know that New York was once the capital of the United States. Then I guess they decided the city had enough troubles of its own without that too. Peter Minuit bought the place from the Indians for $24. Some still question the wisdom of the deal. But not the young people. They know that you haven’t made it until you’ve made it in New York. They come here from everywhere...to be in the arts, fashion...and the toughest one of all...the theatre. And it is tough. Go to an audition some time. Fifty actors show up for one part. But they keep right on trying. OK we lost out on this one but there’s another call for something else next week. And maybe some day...the city’s full of aspiring young actors and actresses...disguised but only temporarily...as cabdrivers, sales persons, waitresses...

Girl One comes back onstage. Boy One watches her as she dreams.

GIRL ONE THERE’S A LIFE THAT’S PURE AND RURAL IT’S WHAT I’VE LEFT BEHIND I FEEL NO YEN FOR A FARAWAY GLEN WHERE EACH EVENING AT TEN YOU LOSE YOUR MIND

SKIES HERE MAY BE COLD AND GRAY BUT I GOT DREAMS AND I’M ON MY WAY IT MAY TAKE YEARS, BUT I’M GONNA STAY I’M A NEW YORK GAL I’M A NEW YORK GAL

No applause break. Girl One has finished her shift and removes her apron.

BOY ONE Anything doing?

GIRL ONE No...not for me anyhow. Dinner theatre in Omaha, that kind of stuff.

BOY ONE Don’t worry, you’ll make it. I’ll bet on it. Name up in lights, four curtain calls, autograph hounds at the stage door after the show. I just hope you won’t forget all about your old friends.

GIRL ONE Who me? Never. Not me. Some girls are good at forgetting when they become a famous super star. They forget all the tears and the sweating and all the friends who were there at the start. But that will never be me. I’ll always be the same. I promise.

BOY ONE So, how about a movie?

GIRL ONE Gee, thanks a lot...but I got a date.

She starts to leave but he stops her.

#15 I GOTTA HAVE YOU Boy One & Girl One

BOY ONE REMEMBER THE NIGHT YOU PROMISED TO MEET ME UNDER THE BILTMORE CLOCK AT FIVE AND I WAITED ‘TIL QUARTER OF TEN BUT YOU DIDN’T SHOW? THAT WAS A BLOW AND REMEMBER THE TIME WE WENT TO A PARTY AND YOU SPENT THE EVENING OUT ON THE TERRACE KISSING A GUY YOU ONLY HAD MET THAT NIGHT NOW WAS THAT RIGHT? A LESSER GUY THAN I WOULD WILT BUT, DARLING, THAT IS NOT THE WAY I’M BUILT

YOU TELL ME GOODBYE YOU SAY THAT WE’RE THROUGH BUT HARD AS YOU TRY TO TELL ME GOODBYE I GOTTA HAVE YOU YOU GIVE ME THE AIR FOR SOMEBODY NEW YOU GIVE ME THE AIR BUT WHAT DO I CARE I GOTTA HAVE YOU WHY AM I TRUE TO YOU WHEN YOU’RE UNTRUE TO ME? HERE’S WHY I’M TRUE TO YOU I CAN’T GET FREE SO CALL ME A DOPE IT’S CERTAINLY TRUE SO CALL ME A DOPE AND TELL ME IT’S HOPELESS TOO BUT I GOTTA HAVE I GOTTA HAVE I GOTTA HAVE YOU!

WHEREVER YOU ARE I’M STICKING LIKE GLUE WHEREVER YOU ARE, NO MATTER HOW FAR I GOTTA HAVE YOU MY LIFE IS A MESS BUT WHAT CAN I DO MY LIFE IS A MESS BUT NEVERTHELESS I GOTTA HAVE YOU WHY AM I TRUE TO YOU WHEN TRUE TO ME YOU’RE NOT? HERE’S WHY I’M TRUE TO YOU YOU’RE ALL I’VE GOT SO CALL ME A KOOK IT’S CERTAINLY TRUE SO CALL ME A KOOK AND TELL ME I’M KOOKY TOO BUT I GOTTA HAVE I GOTTA HAVE I GOTTA HAVE YOU!

They dance. Kiss. Blackout.

#16 I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU Boy Three & Girl Three

BOY THREE WHEN LOVERS TALK THEIR CONVERSATION NEVER IS BRIGHT HE SAYS “I LOVE YOU” SO DOES SHE THEN THEY SIT AND ANALYZE FOR HALF OF THE NIGHT HOW THIS ENCHANTMENT COULD BE WE DON’T NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT WE KNOW HOW IT CAME ABOUT

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU LONG BEFORE I KNEW YOU I FELL IN LOVE I KNEW THE WAY YOU’D LOOK IN MY COPY BOOK AT SCHOOL IT WAS YOU I DREW

AT DANCING CLASSES I SMILED AT ALL THE LASSES BUT NONE OF THEM WOULD DO AND THEN STRANGE AS THIS MAY SEEM ALL THE THINGS I DREAMED OF CAME TO BE TRUE WE MET AND THEN ALL OVER AGAIN I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

GIRL THREE I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU LONG BEFORE I KNEW YOU I FELL IN LOVE I KNEW THE WAY YOU’D LOOK IN MY COPY BOOK AT SCHOOL IT WAS YOU I DREW

I BOUGHT A HOPE CHEST A MAYBE I’LL ELOPE CHEST ‘CAUSE SOMETHING TOLD ME TO

BOTH AND THEN STRANGE AS THIS MAY SEEM ALL THE THINGS I DREAMED OF CAME TO BE TRUE WE MET AND THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

#16A SCENE CHANGE: SCHRAFFT’S Pianos

ANY RESEMBLANCE...

The office of TJ Blodgett, arts editor. She is at her desk reading the paper.

BASSETT’S VOICE (BOY FOUR) TJ!

He storms onstage.

BASSETT (Cont’d) You’ll have to find yourself another drama critic!

TJ (GIRL ONE) Now don’t be hasty, Bassett. I know you’ve been under a strain.

BASSETT Strain! You don’t know what a drama critic goes through! Everywhere I go I see them – authors, actors, directors, even stagehands – glaring at me like beasts in the jungle night.

TJ Maybe if you took a vacation.

BASSETT It’s no use. I’m going to pieces inside. Why at the last three openings I covered – I couldn’t stay asleep!

TJ But if you quit, Bassett, what’s to become of the job? We can’t give it to any of the younger men on the paper – none of them really hates the theatre.

BASSETT I’ve thought of that – so I found a man to take my place. Met him at Yale last summer.

TJ I dunno. Some of these Yale men are pretty educated.

BASSETT Not this one. He’s a caretaker at the Agricultural College. Never saw a play in his life.

TJ Never saw a play in his life! Bring him in here!

BASSETT Come in, Jukes!

Lester Jukes enters.

BASSETT (Cont’d) Lester Jukes meet TJ Blodgett, our arts editor.

TJ Glad to meet you!

They pass each other.

BASSETT Blind as a bat!

TJ Magnificent! Now, Jukes, before we can consider engaging you as our drama critic, there are just a few questions.

JUKES (BOY THREE) Eh?

BASSETT He can’t hear well either!

TJ Excellent! Excellent! Now Jukes...is it true that you have never seen a play in your life?

JUKES That’s right, young fellow. Cain’t stand the sound of the human voice.

TJ is enthralled.

TJ What a find! Imagine what “The Post” would give to get a man like this! But does he know enough about the actual technique of the work?

BASSETT I’ve briefed him completely. Jukes, it’s the first night of an important new play, and you are being ushered to your seat. What do you do?

JUKES I calls the manager and complains ‘cause I ain’t asettin’ somewhere else.

BASSETT Right! The curtain rises, a hush falls over the audience, the actors are about to speak.

Jukes takes out a flashlight and inspects a program with it.

BASSETT (Cont’d) You see, TJ, he keeps that thing burning till he reads the program from cover to cover.

TJ Brilliant! And now what?

BASSETT Watch this! Jukes, this is it! We are the actors. We have now reached the big dramatic scene. Everybody is silent. Are you ready, Jukes?

Jukes emits a series of hacking sneezes and other noises which drown out the action.

TJ What a magnificent pair of lungs!

BASSETT And what a sinus condition!

TJ But do you really think he’s ready for the big time?

BASSETT Can’t miss. He has a second act snore that’s absolutely tops, and when he stalks out of the theatre in the middle of the third act, every eye will be on him.

TJ You’ve done a great job, Bassett.

BASSETT Just loyalty to the old sheet. I’ve even written his letter applying for membership in the Critics Circle – and his letter of resignation, too.

TJ Just one more thing, Bassett. He has to write reviews of the show – does he know anything about that?

BASSETT I’ve taught him everything – given him a phrase for every occasion. Try him.

TJ Jukes, what if it’s a play by an unknown, new author?

JUKES Feeble first effort!

TJ And if it’s by a successful playwright?

JUKES Not up to his usual standard!

TJ Right! If it’s a comedy?

JUKES No second act!

TJ If it’s a drama?

JUKES No third act!

TJ And if it’s a play by a Hollywood author?

JUKES No!!!

TJ I’m convinced, Bassett. I’ll hire him. (To Jukes.) This is a proud moment, Jukes, a new drama critic is about to be born. Bassett, your pen. Jukes, Bassett has carried this pen through fifteen seasons – now it’s yours. (Gives Jukes pen.) There’s a new play opening tonight – now go out and murder it!

Music in tight on the dialogue. The three of them go directly into song.

#17 ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NY Girl One, Boy Three & Boy Four

GIRL ONE SALLY RAND COULD MAKE THE HALL OF FAME CITY COLLEGE WIN A FOOTBALL GAME TOMMY MANVILLE KEEP A DAME

GIRL ONE, BOY THREE & BOY FOUR ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK

GIRL ONE CENTRAL PARK COULD MOVE TO HACKENSACK MISTER CALVERT SWITCH TO APPLE-JACK A LINDY HERRING BITE YOU BACK

GIRL ONE, BOY THREE & BOY FOUR ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK!

T’WOULD CAUSE US NO DISTRESS IF OUT OF LAKE SUCCESS MISTER MOLOTOV SAID YES THE POPULACE KNOWS THAT ANYTHING GOES!

GIRL ONE IN THIS FASCINATING HABITAT

BOY THREE GIRL MEETS FELLOW AND HE TIPS HIS HAT

BOY FOUR ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN FROM THAT

GIRL ONE, BOY THREE & BOY FOUR ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK

#17A PLAYOFF: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN NEW YORK Pianos

Lights up on Boy One in a special.

BOY ONE New Yorkers mostly live in apartments. Huge buildings with a hundred and fifty cubicles. Tiny little pads and you pay about $600 per month. If you can find one that’s vacant. And they’re not what you’d call soundproof. I can hear the toast pop out of the toaster in my neighbor’s apartment. That’s not all I hear either. Thanks a lot! The couple next to me have fought and made up 37 times in the two weeks I’ve been here.

Lights shift to Girl Four.

#18 PLEASE TAKE IT BACK Girl Four

GIRL FOUR DARLING, I FEEL SO ADRIFT WE HAD A RIFT AND WE PHFFFT EV’RYTHING’S OVER BETWEEN US NOW I KNOW CIVILIZED PEOPLE LIKE US

DO IT WITHOUT ANY FUSS I’LL LOOK AWAY FOR A MOMENT WHILE YOU GO...

YOU PUT THIS RING UPON MY FINGER, NOW YOU SAY “ADIEU” HOW CAN I BEAR WEARING IT THERE TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK, WE’RE THROUGH ONE DAY IN MAY YOU BOUGHT ME FLOWERS, ON THE AVENUE THEN MY BOUQUET FADED AWAY TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK, WE’RE THROUGH

THE KITCHEN TABLE THAT WE USED TO SUP ON REMINDS ME OF SO MANY THINGS THE TELEPHONE YOU USED TO CALL ME UP ON SOMEHOW IT NEVER RINGS

ONE NIGHT WE HEARD A GYPSY PLAYING, HOW THE HOURS FLEW SOMETHING WENT WRONG, WHERE IS OUR SONG TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK, WE’RE THROUGH PLEASE TAKE IT BACK WE’RE THROUGH

CAN YOU FORGET ATLANTIC CITY, MY THE SKY WAS BLUE GEE IT WAS SWELL, THAT FUNNY HOTEL TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK, WE’RE THROUGH THAT AUTUMN DAY YOU PLAYED FOR PRINCETON HOW I CHEERED FOR YOU THAT GAME IS DONE, WHO CARES WHO WON TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK, WE’RE THROUGH

IN WAIKIKI WE LEANED AGAINST A RAILING UNDER A TROPICAL STAR AND EV’RY AFTERNOON YOU TOOK ME SAILING AH, BUT OUR BOAT WAS YAR

YOU’LL GO YOUR WAY AND YOU’LL FORGET ME WHAT AM I TO DO I’M SO BEREFT, NOTHING IS LEFT SO YOU’D BETTER TAKE ME BACK TOO PLEASE TAKE ME BACK WITH YOU! PLEASE TAKE ME BACK WITH YOU!

Blackout.

#19 GOOD OLD DAYS Boy One, Boy Two & Boy Three

BOY ONE, BOY TWO & BOY THREE ‘TWAS NINETEEN HUNDRED TWENTY-SEVEN WHEN LAST WE VISITED NEW YORK THREE OUT-OF-TOWN BUYERS FULL OF BOUNCE ENJOYING THE FIRM’S EXPENSE ACCOUNTS IT’S NINETEEN HUNDRED FORTY-EIGHT NOW AND TIME AGAIN FOR US TO PLAY BUT NOW THAT WE SEE THE OLD NEIGHBORHOOD THINGS AIN’T SO GOOD WE SHOULD’A’STOOD IN

BOY ONE KOKOMO

BOY TWO WICHITA

BOY THREE HARRISBURG, P.A.

ALL THREE DEPRESSING, DEPRESSING WE THOUGHT NEW YORK HAD BEEN PROGRESSING BUT WE’RE REGRETFULLY CONFESSING IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY AND SHOWS THAT FEATURED RUDY VALLEE? WHERE RUDY WAS THEY GOT A BALLET IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS

OUR FAV’RITE BUR-LE-QUE IS NOT THE SPOT IT WAS AND WHERE’S THIS AVENUE THE AVENUE OF THE AMERICAS? A VISITING BUYER CAN’T FIND A CUTIE TO ADMIRE HE’S JUST A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS!

WHERE ARE THE OLD-TIME SINGERS WHO GAVE US JAZZ THEY WAS THE REAL HUMDINGERS BOOP POOP A DOOP AND RAZZAMATAZZ OH FOR A DRINK OF MOXIE WE SING ITS PRAISE WE CAN’T BE BOBBYSOXY HIP HIP HOORAH AND HOTCHAMACHA FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS!

YOU CAN’T MAKE NO JACK NOW YOU WORK ALL YEAR TO RAISE A STACK NOW ON MARCH 15TH YOU GIVE IT BACK NOW IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS WE MISS THE OLD FASHION WHEN POLA NEGRI WAS THE PASSION AND TRUMAN STILL WAS HABADASHIN’ IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS!!!

#20 ENCORE: GOOD OLD DAYS All Boys

ALL BOYS WHERE ARE THE RED HOT MAMMAS WE USED TO KNOW THEY WERE THE CAT’S PAJAMAS HOT DIGGETY AND VO-DO-DEE-O-DO WE MISS THE BUNNY HUGGERS THEY WERE THE CRAZE WE CAN’T BE JITTER BUGGERS I AM A FAN AND SO’S YOUR OLD MAN FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS!

SINCE GALS GOT THAT NEW LOOK IT’S HARDLY WORTH THE TROUBLE TO LOOK YOU DON’T SEE NOTHIN’ WHEN YOU DO LOOK IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS O’DWYER, O’DWYER YOU MADE POOR MARGIE HART RETIRE IS THAT A WAY TO TREAT A BUYER IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS

THIS TOWN HAS LOST ITS CHEER THE SHOWS ARE GETTING CLEAN AND WHAT IS THIS WE HEAR THE MUSIC HALL HAS GOT A NEW ROUTINE WE LOOKED FOR A LEG SHOW A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BUTTER ‘N EGG SHOW AND WHAT’D THEY SEND US TO – “ALLEGRO!” IT WAS BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD BETTER IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS!!!

As the boys exit, the girls are entering. This is a direct musical segue.

#21 GLAD TO BE BACK Full Company

ALL GIRLS WE WILL TRADE EV’RY LAKE IN VERMONT AND NEW HAMPSHIRE FOR THE HUDSON AT RIVERSIDE DRIVE THO THE NIGHT MAY BE BRIGHT UP IN MAINE WE ARE DAMN SURE THAT IT’S NOT LIKE MANHATTAN AT FIVE IN OLD PENNSYLVANIA THE AIR IS LIKE WINE BUT EVERYONE’S SLEEPING BY NINE SO WE’RE SPREADING THE NEWS YOU CAN MAKE MINE MANHATTAN ‘CAUSE IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK IN NEW YORK GLAD TO BE BACK WE SAY GLAD TO BE BACK WE’LL STAY

GLAD TO BE BACK

ALL BOYS GLAD TO BE BACK IN NEW YORK CITY PLENTY OF PLACES WE CAN GO PLENTY OF BUILDINGS TALL AND PRETTY PLENTY OF FUN AND LOTS OF SNOW GIVE US A FLAT IN OLD MANHATTAN ANYWHERE NEW A SUBWAY LINE LONG AS THERE’S ROOM TO SWING A CAT IN NEW YORK CITY SUITS ME FINE

FULL COMPANY WE WILL TRADE EV’RY LAKE IN VERMONT AND NEW HAMPSHIRE FOR THE HUDSON AT RIVERSIDE DRIVE THO THE NIGHT MAY BE BRIGHT UP IN MAINE WE ARE DAMN SURE THAT IT’S NOT LIKE MANHATTAN AT FIVE IN OLD PENNSYLVANIA THE AIR IS LIKE WINE BUT EVERYONE’S SLEEPING BY NINE SO WE’RE SPREADING THE NEWS YOU CAN MAKE MINE MANHATTAN ‘CAUSE IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK IN NEW YORK GLAD TO BE BACK WE SAY GLAD TO BE BACK WE’LL STAY GLAD TO BE BACK GLAD TO BE BACK!

Blackout.

#22 BOWS AND EXIT Pianos

END OF PLAY