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It reads like a novel.And it really happened, every word of it.This is the story of Purim as you have never seen it before! Yosef Deutch, author of the popular Let My Nat;on Go, has gone to all the sources ~ the Megillah, the Talmud, the Midrash, the classic commentators - and put everything into a fast moving, fascinating narrative, with all the sources annotated.As we read, our hearts pound when· Esther appears before the king; we cringe as Haman condemns little children to death; we hold our heads high when Mordechai defies the wicked, arrogant Haman; we laugh at Haman's humiliation when he leads Mordechai on the royal steed. This is as exciting a story as you1ll read in a long time.And while you're at it, you'll understand the Megillah more thoroughly than ever. _A~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-,--~ µ Available at your local Hebrew bookstore or call: 1-800-MESORAH • In NYS: (718) 921-9000 • FAX: (718) 680-1875 • www.artscroll.com Shevat 5762 •January 2002 U.S.A.$3.50/Foreign $4.50 ·VOL XXXV/NO. I
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RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR SHIDDUCHIM REVISITED EDITORIAL BOARD RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS Chairman 7 The Path to Happily Ever After, RABBI ABBA BRUDNY Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman JOSEPH FRIEDENSON RABBI YISROEL MEIR KIRZNEA RABBI NOSSON SCHERMAN PROF. AARON TWERSKI SHALOM BAYIS REEXAMINED
OR. ERNST L. BODENHEIMER Z"L founding Chairman I 5 Shalom Bayis -A View From Your Child's Eyes, Rabbi Shmuel Gluck
MANAGEMENT SOARD AVI FISHOF '.10 Disagreement and Harmonious Growth, NAFTOLI HIRSCH ISAAC KIRZNER Rabbi Yisroel Reisman RABBI SHLOMO LESIN NACHUM STEIN
RABBI VOSEF C. GOLDING EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES Menaglng Editor A Fusion of Gifts: When the Strength of a Frum Published by 24 Agudath Israel of America Family Merges With the Baal Teshuva's Resolve,
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January 2002 VOLUME XXXV/NO, 1 ial Yisroel mourns the recent in Pias' chana, he took care of a blind n 5707 (1947), he accepted a call to passing of Rabbi Chaim talmid chacham there. When World become Rosh Yeshiva in Bais KKreiswirth i1:>1:J7 j71i::i i:::it, Rav of War II broke out, and he was I Medrash La Torah, in Chicago (later Antwerp, Belgium, for the past fifty captured by the Nazis, he beseeched in Skokie), where he established a close years. An extraordinary talmid chacham, the Ribbono Shel Olam that he be contact with numerous talmidim - a poseik, and leading spokesman for saved in the zechus of his service to bond that he maintained until his last Torah Jewry, Rabbi Kreiswirth was the blind scholar. Indeed, he escaped days. born in Wojnicz, Poland in Galicia in by an unusual occurrence. The After several years in Chicago, he 5679 (1918). German sol responded to the invitation to accept Son of Rabbi dier who the Rabbanus and become Av Beis Din Avraham held him (head of the rabbinical court) of Yoseif Sher captive told Antwerp. During those post-War man, Rav of him that he years, Antwerp - and the European Wojnicz, a would shoot continent, in general - was shattered, leading poseik into the air, the Jewish population decimated by who wrote a while he Hitler's genocide, and the people number of could run sorely in need of leadership, guidance, sefarim, he was away. encouragement, and a Torah vision. brought up in He Rabbi Kreiswirth provided these in a a home distin- reached Sia manner that transformed Antwerp guished by ~ bodka early into a leading community in Europe. Torah and • in the War, His impact reached beyond chess ed. j where he Belgium, and difficult she' eilos in The young < married the halacha were addressed to him from Chaim was a ~ daughter virtually all over the world. leading talmid < ofRabbi He headed numerous rabbinical in Yeshivas 1Avraham and organization groups, including Chachmei B Grodzinski the rabbinical committee that dealt Lublin where ~ (the Taras with conversion issues, fighting he impressed Avraham), against efforts to conduct non the Rosh Hayeshiva, Rabbi Meir the Mashgiach of the Slabodka halachic conversions. Shapiro with the breadth and depth Yeshiva (brother-in-law of Rabbi Rabbi Kreiswirth was involved in of his knowledge. When only 18, he Yaakov Kamenetzky). The young Agudath Israel undertakings and gained recognition as the Jllui of couple then fled to Vilna, after delivered addresses at its Fifth and Krakow. which they managed to reach Bretz Sixth Knessios Gedolos and National He was close to a number of pre Yisroel, in 5701 (1941). Once there, Conventions of Agudath Israel of war gedolim, including the Dvar Avra he was able to spend his days and America. He never failed to impress ham, the Minchas Baruch, the Imrei nights learning and was referred to vast audiences with his encyclopedic Bmes (Gerrer Rebbe), Rabbi as: "The lion who came from knowledge of Talmud, commentaries Menachem Ziemba, and Rabbi Chaim Bavel." During his years in Bretz and halachic literature, and his Ozer Grodzenski. Rabbi Kreiswirth Yisroel, he became close to the incredible ability to quote copiously was known to discuss Torah topics Chazon Ish, the Steipler Gaon, verbatim. with the Rogochover Gaon and Rabbi Rabbi Elazar Shach and Rabbi His passing leaves a vacuum that Elchonon Wasserman. Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, will not be easily filled. While serving as a maggid shiur in ;i~i:i? tim~r and, as well as yibadel the Yeshiva of the Chevas Hatalmidim lechaim, Rabbi Elyashiv w1,,?w.
6 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 Bayis Ne'eman BeYisroel From Shidduchim ... Through Shalom Bayis Part II
ast summer, The Jewish Observer published a The major deficit in that previous issue - and.thus, special. issue dedica·t· e. d tb. the. ab.ove topic. T. he arti the major emphasis in this one- is in the area of extraor L. . cles addressed the sanctity of marriage; the frus dinary circumstances, and how couples deal with them. trations and potentials of the Shidduch process, with a This includes the situations of families that have many special focus on .halacha guidelines as well as the children l"l"ll'::>::t, childless couples, as well as the difficult hashkafa that should inform this activity; suggestions and situation of young men and women who endured crit counsel from revered rabbinical figures as well as expe ical illnesses, recovered, and are ready to embark on their rienced professionals on achieving Shalom Bayis; the prob own marriage. lems faced by older singles and some possible solutions; The topic of Shidduchim was by no means exhausted as well as a review of several books on the topics. in the earlier, dedicated issue. We are pleased to offer While the issue was well received - the several thou another examination of that vital, yet abused process in sand additional copies that were printed were sold out the pages that follow, urging a return to time-honored, - articles on a number of topics were omitted simply established approaches. More discussions on Shalom Bayis because oflatk of space. Some of them were published - always timely- are also included in this issue. subsequently- notably, articles on the challenges and spe Mayl1"'1!m grant us the capacity to learn and grow from cial circumstances faced by baalei teshuva in shidduchim the wisdom and insight offered by these articles, while and marriage, which were featured in the December issue we endeavor to open our hearts t() those who need our of The Jewish Observer. understanding, compassion, and help. N.W.
SHIDDUCHIM REVISITED Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman ---Rfil.. i .. 1&~ [Ii~
I. A PROCESS THAT IS IN GALUS calm, tranquility. This raises a difficult There is no subject that so preoccu question: Why has something that is pies and dominates the secular world as he first step toward founding a meant to be a source of tranquility does the man-woman relationship.And Bayis Ne'eman BeYisroel is to pass become a source of stress, of profound we would be presumptuous to deny that Tthrough the shidduch process. The disappointment, of paralyzing fear and, the host culture has influenced us. In Ran in Mesechta Shabbos says that the in many cases, pure agony? The logical Ikvesa d'Meshicha, the Era preceding the word shidduch stems from the Targum conclusion has to be that we lost our Advent of Mashiach, the sefarim hake for "Vatishkot ha'aretz - and the earth way. The Torah approach in this process doshim (sacred literature) tell us, there rested:' which the Targum translates would certainly be much more pleasant. will be a reincarnation of the souls of v'shadichas ar' o - denoting serenity, The pain we are experiencing 1nust be the dor hamabul, the generation of the coming from the way the secular world Flood, in Noach's time. As a matter of Rabbi Wachs~an sc~~es as Rosh Haycslziva of has wormed its way into our lives - like course, this brings in its wake the bane Yeshivas Meor Yitzchok in Monsey, NY. The a terrorist, who sabotaged one of our of that era: "vatishocheis ha'areti' - an above article is based on a presentation at the most beautiful institutions and turned erosion in all strata of society, even recent National Convention of Agudath Israel of A1nerica. it into something monstrous. amongst the holiest. This may well be --·--·------··-----·------·---·------·------··---- The Jewish Observer, January 2002 7 what we are witnessing. to your chasuna!" So she arranged an son?"~And he shared this with the next We, however, are 1neant to be an am appointment for him with one of the person. Soon the whole waiting room l'vadad yishkon - a nation that dwells foremost cosmetic dermatologists in was buzzing about this bachur with alone. Our vulnerability to the forces of New York, a doctor who caters to the beard and payos who's so uninformed erosion can be dangerous and destruc wealthy and influential. He reported to that he never heard of this model of tive to our essence. If we just consider the doctor's office and sat in the wait depravity. The word reached the inner the sources of what influences our ing room with his attention focused on office, and the secretaries were talking conduct in shidduchim, that alone his open Gemora. Suddenly a female about it. should give us pause. media celebrity walked in, and every When the young man's turn came, Two weeks before his chasuna (wed body was swept up with excitement. the doctor started baiting him: "Aha, so ding), a close friend ofmine developed The fellow next to my friend gave him you're getting married in a week or two. a terrible facial blemish. His mother a nudge. "So-and-so is here!" I suppose it's been an arranged mar was very distraught: "We cannot per My friend responded, "Who's thatl" riage. Did you have a matchmaker?" mit such a mark on your face so close "What? You never heard ofthis per- Then he started getting nasty. "So you're marrying somebody you barely ow accepting know? You met her a few times .... You applications for know, you Orthodox don't understand anything about marriage. You're lis :;vJ''Wn '''" /2002-2003 for the serious talmida who aspires tening to your rabbis and it's going to to grow and achieve in a warm be disastrous." and congenial environment. Understandably, the doctor is a Jew. our seminary was established Finally, he offered, "Let me give you with the encouragement and some advice about marriage." guidance of Gedolei Hadar. My friend looked him in the eye and A Seminaty with a highly devoted said, "Fine. First, however, tell me and Qualified staff where strong how many times you've been married." n1£Jpll1i1 and n11nn n:inN are His reply: ((I'm on my fourth mar imparted to the tafmida. riage." Under the guidance of Our host society has a dismal success • Full-day or half-day rate, and yet firmly believes that it has HEBBlfEZEN MliNlli SrJJEINHl!iRrllER program fki!i}':&.q;fifjf\30 "'"58i?Aor.. /"'" iL["~ ,;o~~,,fui"'-0" s,\S ;yv"' Gf;f'ji[•J 2i JI' "°" unmatched expertise. It would be wise • Diverse & rich curriculum Oneyear- in Limudei Kodesh for us to do everything in exactly the • Distinguished guest opposite manner from what they do. a small investment - lecturers • Qua!ity training program The Dating System: in methods and student~ An American Phenomenon guaranteed 'iT nitJ,>.J teaching to reap the dividends OUR FUU·DAY PROGRAM t is an established fact. The Ameri IS ENRICHED WITH can approach to shidduchim in the ofa lifetime! • Program of reading skills I non-Chassidic circles - the dating •Communications system, as it's known - is a uniquely & public speaking • Introduction to American phenomenon. There is no nng,?inng special education precedent for it in our Mesorah ( tradi ... D:J? nn!IK 'lKi tion), and there is no parallel to it in IN A WORLD OF CHANGING Europe or Eretz Yisroel. It is purely an For information VALUES, IT IS ESSENTIAL American invention. A story attributed TO MAKE FORMAL PROVISIONS please call to Rabbi Meir Shapiro ?"YI puts it into FOR THE EDUCATION Of OUR perspective. BNOS YISROEL Rebbitzen Steinharter at A sofer (scribe) who lived in War • 'IV >;)r J'l'.l ; saw was trying to earn a living by sell 718-258-2711 Preparation for 1'~1'l"J ing mezuzos and tefillin. Somebody • bN:il .rr11n : advised him, "People here have no -· ~ --- ' ~Nfr-~11r • ~"'- - ~dikrv·' - - Responsibilities and money. Take your merchandise to 718-9'./02-7900 privilege of raising happy Berlin, where wealthy people will pay and healthy children 1681 - 83 42nd Street, Brooklyn, ,NY 11204 you top Mark, and you'll be able to
8 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 make ends meet." July and August. Today boys have the meet, but not before." So he packed up 150 mezuzos, capacity to do much more; and they do. This is how it has been done, and is traveled to Berlin, and set up shop right In the crucial area of shidduchim, still being done, in many circles of Kial in the Reform community, selling his however, we have scarcely advanced. Yisroel - throughout the generations, mezuzos at 50 Mark apiece. People wherever Jews have lived. viewed it as a good luck thing and were II. GUIDELINES FROM GEDOLIM Several years ago, Rabbi Elazar Shach snapping up the merchandise. In two VERSUS COMMON PRACTICE 7"::/l wrote a letter to bnei Torah on the or three hours, he made a fortune ... topic: "With a heartfelt cry. I see it and had nothing left. What a lost incumbent upon myself to express a opportunity! Then he remembered Dating: Frequency, Duration ... And protest, l'ma'an Hashem v'Toraso. I am that he had brought along a Megilla Kedusha turning to all bnei yeshiva, wherever they (Scroll ofEsther, also written on parch may be, to express my views on what I ment). So he took his scissors, cut the et us contrast the views of other have seen and heard. There is a spread Megilla into strips, rolled them up, and gedolim on this issue with what has ing practice of unlimited meetings for began selling them as mezuzos with Lcome to be common practice. the sake of shidduchim. Of course, they great success. Ori/! of the purchasers Rabbi Elchonon Wasserman , ..,,, should meet until each one recognizes decided to examine the insides of the quotes his Rebbe, the Chafetz Chaim: "It to a degree what the other person is like "mezuza." He opened it up and saw is improper for two people to meet one and what their hashkofas hachaim (out "Vayezoso," the tenth ofHaman's sons. another for the purpose of marriage look on life) is. But one should not go It struck his as strange, so he decided before all the researching, information beyond a moderate norm, to convene to ask his Rabbiner. gathering and decision-making are meetings for hours upon hours, to go "Rabbi, I bought a mezuza, and here mutually concluded, and all details are and spend time in places where no ben it says 'Vayezoso.' Is this what's meant completely worked out. First they must Torah should be found. Such practice is to be written in the mezuza?" know exactly what they can expect from forbidden by Torah law, and no worth The rabbi responded, "That's a very one another and what their commit while outcome can result from such deep question. I will have to ponder ment would entail. Then they conld meetings. over it." He went into his study, removed the mezuza that he had just bought and unwrapped it. His mezuza said "Parshandoso" - the first of Haman's sons. He returned and told his congregant: "Yes. If Parshandoso is a mezuza, so is Vayezoso a mezuza." 6',IL.l.loa;;•~· .....·""""" .... '""l.Llll.f.ji.:'"1:&1.1.&:z.J.:U~..-LAi...L:I.~ We are suffering from a Parshandoso • Full Day, Half Day, Or Part Time Programs Syndrome. Our shidduchim system is • Includes Intensive Limudei Kodesh structured according to an accepted pat - I • Endorsed By Leading Gedolei Yisrael I tern. We have been told that this is the • Dynamic Shiurim By The Foremost Mechanchim • Hundreds Of Successful, Maalot Graduates Worldwide I way we operate because this is how it has I • Choice of Regular or Lishma Program always been done. Created by whom? • A Warm Bois Yaakov Atmosphere· Select Group Of Students What is the Mesorah on it? Nobody has • Option of Eight Week Summer Program In Yerushalayim I any idea. I • The Exciting Alternative To A Full Year In Ereh: Yisroel In truth, it's a relic of the 1940's, when Renowned Mechanchim Include: Rabbi M. Blum, Rabbi Avraham Blumenkrantz a young and innocent Jewish America Rabbi David Gibber, Rabbi Yoel Kramer, Robbi Zev Merzel, Rabbi N. Rabinowich I I Rabbi Aron Rapps, Robbi B:!)n Zion Schiffenbouer, Rabbi Yisroel Dov Webster did not yet have direction, and every Rebbetzin Y. Dovidowitz, Rebbetzin M. Eisenberger, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg thing was learned from the way the non Rebbetzin Devora Kitevits, Rebbetzin Naoma Lerman, Rebbetzin Rivka Oratz Jews do things. We are still stuck in that I Rebbetzin Brurio Rubin, Rebbetzin Esther Twersky, Rebbetzin Fayge Wolpin 1 Summer In Eretz: Yisrael: Rabbi Dovid Refson · Dean, Rabbi Dovid Kass· Director time warp. Rabbi Nosson Geisler, Robbi Leib Keleman, Rabbi Y. Manet, , Rabbi Meir Treibitz It took quite a few years for the sum Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller, Rebbetzin Zehavo Kass, Rebbetzin Reno Tarshish mer camps to catch up with conten1- I 1 porary standards. Until recently, many of the camps for boys had the same learning schedules as they had in 1950. """'. The administrators were laboring under RABBI SHOLOM G. GINZBERG, DEAN the misconception that Yiddishe kinder 931 Coney Island Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11230 lach could not handle more learning in • ------For More Information Phone Or Fax:(718)377-0222--- __.. The Jewish Observer, January 2002 9 "One should plan on a limited num embraced a dehumanizing system that ber of meetings, of two or three hours' breeds frustration and prolongs the Let us touch base with Chazal for duration each. Whoever adheres to process. It has become an accepted part a moment. Rabbi Efya Lopian 7"lll these guidelines will be graced by oflife: He or she is now "going out:' Add writes: The Gemora says "'A man is Hashem's choicest blessings, and will to this the popular wisdom that directs matched in accordance with his merit establishing a Bayis Ne'eman our conduct, such as: I can't marry the deeds." - Not his deeds of the past, BeYisroel." first one I meet, because then I haven't Reb Elya explains, but in terms of how a person conducts himself when gone out enough. I haven't shopped he's searching for his shidduch. Why not lead our lives in accordance properly. with the charge of the gedolei hador? The Steipler Gaon once told an older Bear in mind that matches are Why not listen to daas Ibrah in this fun bachur, who had not yet found his zivug: indeed made in Heaven. The Rib bono Shel Diam is the mezaveg damental pillar of kedushas YisroeP. We "You know what your problem is? You zivugim - He makes the matches. have fallen victim to the Parshandoso think that the biggest loss that you could Thus, writes the Vilna Gaon, we Syndrome. We have unthinkingly suffer is to become a chassan, because require even less hishtadlus (human effort) for shidduchim than for any other endeavor in our lives. We shouldn't be so paralyzed. It hurts We shouldn't be so terrified. 1oc right now the whole world is still open to you. The minute yon choose one, om es you've locked out everyone else, leaving you only with that one. Your mistake is that you never had more than one in the first place. That one is meant to be yours . .,.i • Your job is to find her:' A Place For Parental Involvement
n a less complicated era, parents were not only more active in their It hurts I children's shidduchim, they were more or less in control. Nowadays, parents are often only minimally r involved, especially as young men and won1en spend time - months or years - away from home, under the guidance o. of others, subject to peer pressure and norms, and in general getting older and more independent. To whatever It feels better just to talk about it. That's degree possible, parents should view why we're here. Our staff is made up of caring and sensitive individuals. Together, the decision as to whom their child we can help you explore your options. We meets as though they were deciding can refer you to recognized professionals whom he or she will marry; they for counseling, legal advice or help in finding a safe environment. We can also should be more assertive, where fea put you in touch with some very special sible. They should drop the attitude of, Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to "Why not? Let them meet. They might you, you must first reach out to us. like each other. You never know." Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 Their children still need guidance. (Toll Free) Parents - and mentors, in loco paren 718.337.3700 ti - should share their opinions with Do it for yourself. (NYC Area) their charges, instead of permitting things to just happen. This should Do it for your children. Shalom Task Force ;s a 50 1(c)(3) charitable orgart1zat1011 inclnde dating patterns and venues.
10 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 The bachurin1 do not want this his Rav with a she' eila. Someone sug confronted the young man: "What hap extre1ne laissez faire attitude, nor do gested a worthy shidduch for his pened? I heard you were limping and the girls. Similarly, hundreds of ster daughter, but the shadchan request stuttering." ling bachurim do not want to haunt ed a list of everybody she had already He replied, "Rebbe, as soon as I met Manhattan's hotel lobbies. And neither met.... The shadchan told him that her, I realized that she's not for me - nor do the girls. They feel it beneath them. everybody does this today. for any hen Torah, for that matter. I But they have come to accept it as the The Rav replied, "I do not have the thought, why should I say no to her? I'd unwritten law. least doubt that this is assur mi'd'o rather make myself seem unattractive A European Rebbetzin (of Lithuan raysa - forbidden by Torah law. By than hurt her feelings:' ian extraction) spoke out on this what right may one reveal classified How would that have affected his quite clearly: "In truth, my daughter information - private matters - with "market value" in today's shidduch is not going to be taken to such places. out the other party's permission? scene? That is not the way of aristocracy." In And on the simple, human level, An ugly by-product of this environ dealing with bona fide princes and where is our concern for the privacy, ment is that shidduchim have become a princesses, we would understand that the dignity in the reputation of way of determining our status. It has there are li1nitations. Yet we have per another Yid?"1 become a scorecard. The Satmar Rav 7"'1! mitted our children to adopt the once said: "Since I came to America, I ways of peasantry. As part of that Dealing With The Image Factor: barely know anyone who did a shidduch unstructured approach, shidduchim Historical Precedent, Rabbinical Comments inay stretch out over 1nonths and months, and then fall apart. All talmid of the Chafetz Chaim was Digest of Meforshim because we have forgotten the Yiddishe suggested for the daughter of a ')V1ji., in::i ')V1ji., way. The Jewish approach has always A 1ighly respected businessman, been to inake inquiries ... and then who was searching for a specific type of '7"'1t ivv?N 7Nmv l"Tl'lil?:l arrange that they meet each other sev boy- both accomplished in learning and i\vailable at eral tin1es to see if the 1natch is suit presentable. After this bachur met tbis LEKUTEI able. It can - and should - still be girl, the father came to the Rosh Yeshi c/o Yit:chok Roscnherg 1445 54th Street operative. va with complaints: How could you sug Brooklyn, NY 11219-4228 gest such a boy to me? He limps; he stut 7 I R-851-5298 Ill. THE MARKETPLACE PERSPECTIVE ters; he's not poised. The Rosh Yeshiva 20 Volumes on Torah, Perek, Medrash, was stunned. The bachur was highly Megilos, Talmud, and Tehilim. accomplished in every way. So he later Proceeds of sales distributed aniong Verbal Indicators Ycshivos and used for reprinting of 1 The Orchas Tzaddikin1, 900 years ago, writes volt1111es out-of-print about this. He decries people who say noncha shid PRICE: $8.00 PER VOLUME he popular approach t.o lantly, "I was 'red' this-and~this shidduch, but we duchim can be recognized by its weren't interested." Tterminology: "Dating!' Even the term itself should be considered offen sive. "Dumping." Is a bas Yisroel "dumped"? "He's on the market." ''PEOPLE WHO "She's off the market." Is seeking to find a partner in life a matter of enter DOM'THAYEAM ing a market? Moreover, the competitiveness of AGEMT-WHO TAKES the "market"- shopping, buying and selling- brings out the worst in us. So CARE OF THEM1'' in one sense, we have become para lyzed; in another, we have become CALL "E FOR A FREE unduly aggressive. The endeavor has PROTECTIOll REVIEW. become inflated - and reduced - to a MARTIN LEVY Tel (718) 268-1700 public relations issue, with so much e-mail: [email protected] unhealthy stress and unnecessary 103-20 Metropolitan Avenue pain, involving a new, status-cen Forest Hills, NY 11375 tered array of questions. A very fine gentleman approached
----·-··------·-·------· --- The Jewish Observer, January 2002 11 for the sake of his children." What an by external factors that are meaningless, command that a person should cleave indictment! and ignore essentials. to Hashem, by associating with talmidei Factors in making choices in the mar A horror story to illustrate this: chachamim. The Rambam spells out the ketplace include: "What will we gain A friend told me how his sister has ways of doing so in detail: a person from this son/daughter-in-law?" "How been seeing a boy for months. My friend should do business with talmidei will it propel us upward on the status is upset. The boy brings her home in the chachamim; he should support talmidei ladder?" These considerations should wee hours of the morning, and she has chachamim; he should maintain a close not even enter in the process. This may to go to work that day. Then he sud ness with talmidei chachamim; and he be evident in the following incident in denly decided that he's not really inter should endeavor to have his daughter Chumash: ested. Or, perhaps he would be, if.... marry a ta/mid chacham. Reb Elchonon When Avraham Avinu dispatched This is all deliberated with a cold expands on this: Just as I'm advised to Eliezer to select a wife for Yitzchak, he detachment. "So what do you want?" do business with a ta/mid chacham for made it clear that he wanted someone I asked my friend. the ta/mid chacham's sake, so too am I from a specific mishpacha - his family. "Maybe you could speak to him." meant to give my daughter in marriage Yet when Eliezer arrived in Charan, he ''Maybe I could speak to him? Are to a talmid chacham for his sake. Not as focused on who would perform the you still interested in such a bachur?" an ornament for myself, to parade him chessed of drawing and pouring buck He replied "Yes. He's a top name. around, crowing, "This is my son-in ets of water for him and for his camels. Everybody knows he's a top name!" law!" On the contrary, I'm meant to raise Why didn't he follow Avraham Avinu's My response: "You should bentsch my daughter in a manner that would instructions, and first have sought out gomeF that he revealed himself before make her worthy, with siyata D'Shmaya the mishpacha, and then search for who anything tragic happened." (we need great zechusim for this), of in the family is most qualified? If Eliezer were conducting the search, serving as a life-partner of a talmid Perhaps Eliezer was afraid that once that much-sought-after young man chacham. he would know her mishpacha, he would never have made it past the camel would be predisposed to see all her good trough. A Page From the Social Section features - her unmatched middos, the type of character we value - to back up Seeking A Talmid Chacham he non-Jewish world has seeped his choice. First, he decided, I want to into our society in yet other establish that she is of sterling charac here is, of course) good reason to Tways. It has become expected that ter, before I know anything of her back want a budding ta/mid chacham the engagement period of a chassan and ground. After that's confirmed, then - Tas a son-in-law. Rabbi Elchonon kalla should somehow parallel the if she's from the correct mishpacha- it Wasserman i~~i1 explains this goal, as a mores of the non-Jewish world. will be invei hagefen b'invei hagefen, a directive to be inferred from the Ram Rabbi Falk of Gateshead recently match made in Heaven. bam in Sefer Hamitzvos. The Rambam wrote a book delineating the proper We are so often sidetracked, blinded discusses the mitzva of u'bo sidbok- the conduct of chassan and kalla. He points out how some of the practices that have become commonly accepted, that are You can! Just: call part and parcel of our Parshandoso sys I The Yitti Leibel tem, can involve actual transgressions. ''r wish could Helpline. Others can bring serious problems in HOURS: their wake. As the Chazon Ish had com speak to a Monday-Friday ...... 8am -12pm mented, when a chassan and kalla Monday-Thursday ...... Spm -11 pm spend endless hours together, they can Sunday ...... 9am -12pm, 9pm -llpm develop an antipathy for each other. The frum therapist Extra hours Sat. night. .... 7pm - 9pm Radak comments on the passuk: "And Rivka raised her eyes and saw e11s(;¥s~4~f-;~~w Yitzchak .... She took the veil and cov on the phone Chicago ...... ( 800) HELP-023 ered herself" (Bereishis 24, 64-65). Says Lakewood ...... (732) 363-1010 the Radak, "The Torah teaches derech Cleveland ...... (888) 209-8079 eretz v'tzenius. It is proper that a woman without giving Baltimore ...... (410) 578-1 I I l be shy in the presence of her betrothed:' Detroit...... (877) 435-761 I Common wisdom today has it that San Diego ...... (866) 385-0348 if one feels that type of restraint, some- my name.'' For addiction problems call our addiction 2 Thanking G-d for emerging in one piece from • 0 thera ist, Wednesda s 11 :30 m to l :30am a life-threatening situation.
--~---·---·------12 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 thing must be wrong; their relationship ents. She told him, "Please don't buy My Zeide was Rav in a city in Hol is not solid yet. The expectation is that me a diamond. You can't afford it and land. In his community, a particular at that early stage, the couple should feel I don't need it:' couple included a husband who had a a type of closeness that should actual He said, "You're engaged. You can't terrible temper. Once a year, he and his ly be reserved for after the chasuna. walk around without a diamond ring." wife would come to him for a get. My Finally she suggested, "Get me a grandfather anticipated their annual IV. GUIDELINES FOR A HAPPY synthetic diamond. I promise you, I'll visit, and he always m-anaged to make MARRIAGE be just as happy." peace between them. One time he told This chassan realized that he had a them the following story ofan arguing nfortunately, the guidelines for very special kalla. He thought: She couple: achieving success in marriage truly deserves to wear a genuine dia The wife woke up in the middle of U are being determined by a soci mond. He scraped together every cent the night and she heard a noise in the ety (as we heard before) that has a he could, borrowed money with house. She said, "I think there's a divorce rate of 50°/o. It's an astonishing extended payment schedules, and niouse in the house." figure ... astonishing that 50% actual bought her a genuine diamond. He The husband said, "No, it's a cat." ly stay married. It is difficult to believe could not tell her it was genuine, She objected, "No, it's a mouse." "No, that - considering the superficiality of because she had refused to wear a real it's a cat!" "It's a mouse!" Soon they conte1nporary society - any marriage diamond. So he gave her a real dia were screaming, ''It's a cat!" "It's a could possibly survive. mond, claiming it was fake. She was mouse!" Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler 7":>n, in happy that her chassan did not spend "We're going to the Rav." Finished. his classic discussion of shalom bayis, more than he could afford, and he was They appeared before the Rav, who explains that the root of ahava - love - happy that his kalla was wearing a real heard both sides. "Listen," he said. "You is hav, to give. Love for another grows diamond, as was befitting her. have such a marvelous family, you have out of giving to that person. One loves After a year and a half of tutoring wonderful children, a beautiful mar a child because we are endlessly involved and collecting sefarim to pay off his riage. It's not worthwhile to destroy such in giving to hin1. A farmer loves a tree debt, he told her, "I want you to know, a magnificent palace just because of a that he has planted because he put work the ring that you're wearing is a real silly difference." into it. A bayis ne'ernan b'Yisroel is diamond, because that's what you They accepted his plea, and they founded on the principle of giving. deserve." walked home very happy. On the way What can be expected from a society How much more meaningful is ho1ne, the husband remarked to his that understands success in marriage as such a gift than the ridiculous show wife, "You know, we should thank the result of getting the most out of one's casing that goes on today. Because Hashem. We have such a wise Rav. We spouse, without altering one's selfish that 1natana was an experience in giv nearly destroyed our marriage just goals one iota? ing. And these matanos are all about because of a cat." To which she said, A typical example: The current era of taking. "No, it was a mouse." ''.A cat!" ''.A chassan-kalla relationships is witness to The other side of the coin of this mouse!" a new Parshandoso-systein-induced showcasing is the lack of any sense of Such were the shalom bayis problems indulgence: the practice of hyper-gift hakoras hatov (gratitude). Nobody feels ing. It appears to be an exercise in giv grateful. "My father-in-law bought me Newforthe 15-16 year-old bachur ing, but sadly, it is meaningless. Its this gift. Why not? It's coming to me." underlying message is about looking Everything has been crowned with the right, not looking cheap, even if extend definite article - "the pearls," "the Befhel farm ing that prescribed gift to one's prospec bracelet;'" the watch;'" the menora:'" the Summer Prodram tive daughter-in-law or son-in-law esrog box:' These trinkets have taken on -----4-8 weeks-~--- means putting oneself into bankruptcy. entire personalities of their own. And we learn under Rabbi Chazal spoke about sivlonos - created these goblins. Shmuel Brazil, renowned exchange of gifts between the chassan mechanech and mashpiah.
and kalla, a longstanding minhag Yisroel. The Spin-off: Second Thoughts Do genuine farm work: sheep, ~ But there were ceilings on the gifts. cows & chickens, gardening, ,~ A Yungerman (married fellow) of his phenomenon of "shopping, construction, and morel ~ my acquaintances became a chassan marketing, and investing" has an 2-4 day intensive backpacking, with a very special young lady who impact on shalom bayis, creating mountain biking, hiking and/or T canoe trips with frum NY He. guide. knew that he was of very limited problems that are very different from n1eans, and had to pay for everything those that plagued the world of our Zei himself. He could not rely on his par- des and Bubbas. 718-:127-6322
----~------·-----·-·------··------·------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 13 of earlier tin1es, reflecting inability to get wife? Whoever fulfills her husband's she's working for him - he will not along on issues, both major and wishes:' With these two foundations in have to do the dishes. minor ... part of the human condition. place, a bayis ne'e1nan beYisroel can She will be delighted to be oseh ret In some circumstances, a person may flourish. zon ba'ala, "to do her husband's will," have thought: "My spouse is all wrong!" Once we enter into the realm of and treat him like a king, as the Ram Never did he or she think: "I selected the demands, the scene changes. Talk bam writes. The words of the Rambam wrong spouse!" about a good husband, and the first do not resonate well in today's society. By contrast, the system that we've cre picture that comes to mind is a fellow That is because the shallow, inane ide ated fosters a marketplace attitude wrapped in an apron, washing dishes. ology of feminism has worked its way wherein people walk into marriage For the record, he's a wonderful Yid, a into our society, too. constantly evaluating: Am I happy? Am tzaddik, and he should help his wife In the competitive arena, norn1al I unhappy? Is this what I'm looking for? because she is probably overburdened. expectations beco1ne demands. A hus Am I getting what I had wanted? Did I But that alone does not identify him band helping at home is not perform let something better go by? This causes as a model spouse. He could do the ing a chessed; it is demanded of him. In terrible, deep shalom bayis problems same for his mother, too. He could hire a well-structured, secular-type n1ar where people are not simply annoyed a maid to do that chore. He must give riage, each partner does his or her share. with their spouses, but are intrinsical his wife something that only a husband Our marriages are meant to serve the ly dissatisfied and unhappy with their can give. Ohavo k'gufo u'mechabdo Ribbono Shel Olam, not ourselves. spouses 7'1. yoser m'gufo- constantly conveying to Indeed, the Chovos HaLevavos describes We must remember the words of the her that she is precious to him, as the the structure of a person's relationship Rambam: Marriage is not about rights, Chazon !sh writes in a letter: "Miteva with his wife, advising against extend it's about obligations. The obligation of shel ha'isha l'hisaneg al china b'ein ing favors to her "in hope of earning a a husband is to be" ohava k'gufo u'mech ba' ala - It is consistent with a woman's Divine reward, or so she will recipro abda yoser migufo- To love her as much nature to take pleasure in the fact that cate .... [His acting on her behalf as himself and to honor her more than her husband appreciates her." Once she should] not be because of the recogni himself." The wife's obligation is knows that, and he verbalizes it day tion he is going to get, nor to dominate expressed in "Eizu is ha kesheira, kol after day - he thanks her and lets her her, but solely to fulfill his Creator's ha'osa retzon ba'ala. Who is a worthy know that he understands how hard wishes, and perform the Torah's com mands. Vlhoever performs these acts of kindness for ulterior, self-serving flow do 'f"" ~ '"f}~~ 11~" m- PMA4.-? motives will not achieve what he strives for - not in this world or the next. His efforts will be for naught. But if he or Reisman's, please. she extends favors to the other, think ing 'that's my assignment as an oveid Hashem,' then Hashem will help them achieve the best of this world and the rs a mouth-watering treat in any language. next." Available at your neighborhood supermarket or gourmet food shop. This should serve as the guidelines for For the best hamentaschcn around the globe, always ask for Reisman·s. a successful marriage that we should Reisman Brother's Bakery• PO Box 112, Brooklyn, NY 11204 • 718-331-2012 remember. • AREIVIM HOTLINE Personal responsibility throughout service - NOT JUST "PAPERWORK" ORIGINATOR OF THE PRESENT RABBINICALLY APPROVED METHOD From crisis to control. Highly recommended by Gedolai Hador- Here aod in Eretz Yisrael Helping our boys and. girls 104.J-4Znd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11219 Day Parents: 1·866·6AREIVIM &Night phone: (718) 851-8925 Teens: 1-866-0URGUYS )))1''1:JN1nl:JNj7 ))l"j? - l"T::> 1Nl !111:J)l)1 '1ln Kavod Haniftar with Mesiras Nefesh and compassion for the bereaved family. Email: [email protected] TAHARAS HANIFTAR SHOULD NEVER BE COMMERCIALIZED All calls are confidential.
14 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 SHALOM BAYIS REEXAMINED Rabbi Shmuel Gluck SHALOM QA YIS AView from Your Child's Eyes
PARENTS: THE MOST One role that we all play is teacher - we home is the only one with any argu EFFECTIVE TEACHERS teach others by example. It is this form ments or difficulties. Specifically, in a of teaching that the Tanna was referring home marked by lack of harmony, the hat does jt take to make a to when he said in Avos: From all I have child sees a lack of personal respect marriage"successful? A suc learnt and have come to understand. between his parents. Can a parent who W cessful marriage requires This acknowledgement places an cannot earn the respect of his - or her trust, con1mittnent and sacrifice. It is not enormous burden on the parent. Our - own spouse becon1e a positive role a coincidence that these same require actions are often public. How much do model for his child? ments are needed to make a good par we affect others? How much of a Nor can a parent who does not show ent. Once we recognize this fact, we can responsibility do we have towards our respect for his wife expect his child to succeed in both achieving a happy children? As a parent, we have the great respect her. Demanding it conveys the marriage and raising good children. est opportunity to teach our children. message: Do as I say, not as I do. A wife This following article is a compilation Our children instinctively come to look who interrupts her husband in public of discussions I had with troubled chil upon us as their leader and mentor. has taught her children that one can fol dren, many of whom have become dis Our greatest impact on our children low their impulses, even at the expense illusioned with Yiddishkeit. The com is in regard to the mitzvos bein adam of someone who is important to them. mon the1ne is the correlation between l'chaveiro - interpersonal commands. Children are sensitive to the mood homes blessed with shalom bayis and And the greatest opportunity we have that prevails between spouses. A home well-behaved children, and homes to demonstrate our care and concern in that is permeated with stress makes where arguments and friction are the this area is by the way \.Ve interact with them extremely uncomfortable. Chil norm and rebellbus children. Although our spouses. As such, we n1ust recognize dren, girls in particular, will seek the soli it would be inaccurate to say that good shalom bayis as being the cornerstone of tude of their bedrooms and shut them families do not sometimes find them chinuch banim u'banos- educating our selves off from their family. They will selves with difficult children, the friend sons and daughters. also eventually seek other circles of ship within a close family slows a friends to compensate for the family child's downfall and hastens his return RESPECT - THE NECESSARY they believe they lack. Unhappily, the back. Those in the kiruv kerovim (bring INGREDIENT alternatives may not always be desirable. ing religious Jews closer) field can often tell you which parents have a success aximizing our ability to teach OUR CHILDREN - THE SUM ful marriage and which do not, simply our children depends on one TOTAL OF THEIR PARENTS by speaking to their children. M key ingredient: respect. In What is the connection between order to earn our children's respect, we here are several reasons children being a good spouse and good parent? 1nust present ourselves as being worthy behave like their parents. The first Our lives are complex, and throughout of emulating. We should be well-round Tis that they naturally follow the the day we play many roles. We are ed: Successful in Torah, successful in path that they have seen their entire life. employees and employers, Rabbanim supporting a family, and successful in Let me relate one particular story. and shul n1e1nbers. At home we are interacting with family and friends. If a "Moshe" was brought up in what father, mother, and/or grandparent. child perceives his parent as a failure, we appeared to be a fine, typical home. His cannot expect the1n to respect them. father, however, had a temper, con This is Rabbi Shmuel Gluck's second contribu Often children's only examples of stantly finding fault with his wife. Many tion to The Jewish Observer. Rabbi Gluck is direc "other" parents are at their friend's of these arguments took place in front tor of Areivim, an organization that offers our youth advice and assistance, with a wide array of house, when the adults are generally on of the children, and they became support systems. For educational material or for their best behavior. As a result, our chil accustomed to their parents' constant assistance: 845-371-2760 or [email protected]. dren are deceived into thinking that their arguments. It was never clear to the
The Jewish Observer, January 2002 15 children who was right or even who ly spoken to his family since. tance himself. Part genes and part began the confrontations. Moshe obvi ~1y conversations with Moshe have upbringing, a child cannot break away ously resented being brought up in always concluded with his repeating his from the behavior he so dislikes by such a home, but he was not aware of strong resentment towards his father. Yet virtue of resentment alone. It takes a sin the deep anger that grew within him. he continues to act 1nore and more like cere commitment to change fron1 the He left his home at 14, and has hard- the father from whom he is trying to dis- fan1iliar, son1ething most of us are unwilling to do. Moshe continues to subjectively distinguish between his temper and that of his father. He can not, or is unwilling, to see the sin1ilar ity between them. The terrible cycle begun by his parents continues. Another student once confided to l me, " My father lies in front of me. He Purin Baskets does it to avoid confrontations. If he's late, he'll say there was traffic. I, too, have Direct Delivery throughout learnt to get my way." The father, though, laments to me \vhy his son can ISRAEL & AMERICA not talk straight. I can only wonder at Call '"lj.owt. 9'~en& a&wad" the irony of the situation. As parents, we forget that our home 1-8 77-A-PRESENT is our child's window to the outside world. If we act fairly to others, they will www. BasketsTo/srae/. com assume that all adults act fairly, especially those in the frum community. If not, they will assume that all adults are YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY unfair, and again, particularly the frum community. The child will draw on these experiences when deciding whether or : cofl}:~,~te Sm Iv I (.;\wi: not he wants to remain frurn. w ce11 ·th the ~ •w Often, children decide that all adults y WI ~· F v y are insincere or selfish. The source of this information is limited to one fan1ily: : /:*, · a"'11~- : their own. With their biased, limited view, they confirm their belief. It is always important to bear in mind that : MC .Ct elnO"'~: your home is your child's model of the : P•szeb RENA1ssANcE. T : world. AN ALLEGIANCE TO FAMILY w 2PpA.•_•.':FpA_·.. '.·>2 WORLDGATE HOTEL w o a child, parents who argue :V ~~ •Hotel Located**** 1 Mile (5 Min.) from Disney Theme Parks :V appear as strangers living togeth V •Entire Hotel Kosher for Pesach •Oversized Luxurious Rooms w/Frldge •All Low-Floors V er. It seems to the child that there y •25,000 sq. ft. Banquet Facllittes w/ 40 ft. Celllngs •Shabbos locks •Private Seder Rooms V T •Strictest Rabbinical Supervision •Artistic Gourmet Cuisine is no bond or commitment to each Y •Glatt Kosher - Cholov Ylsroel - Shmurah Matzah {non-gebrokt) W other. Family commitn1ent is something W •Adult & Teen Shlurlm and Lectures •Professional Day Camp and Babysitting V y •Israeli & Slmcha Dancing •Aerobics /Aqua-Aerobics •Tropical Heated Pool w/Jacuzzi y that cannot be taught, but must be felt. y •State of the Art Fitness Center •Jogging Trail •Basketball •Tennis y The protection and caring of one for the Y ENTERTAINMENT Organized Trips to: y other is an important lesson that can y NIGHTLY:k Wait q)~ Theme Parks, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, y only be seen in the home. y A teenage friend of mine suggested " ~~~~11!,.,~f;:· * D1scovcry Cove, SPlE'DOfO Cl)fl)~ and Other Attractions &. The Negmah Orche:,ira Y Wlll!tejoiningusfor!he y the following insight: He has long dis V Entire Yom rov Discounted Hopper Tickets w I Bus Transfers Included y liked his father's treatment of his moth * * ** • ** w Tel. 305-534-2947 or 800-379-2400 y er. He recently noticed that when he vis V Fax: 509-247-4919 E-mall: [email protected] y yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy y ited families for Shabbos he gravitates to
16 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 the wife during conversation, feeling a sign of disagreement. They will then whom both parents feel comfortable. He uncomfortable with the husband's pres· move to take advantage of this, believ· must know and understand their child, ence. He added that another mutual ing that this conflict will not allow par· as well as the general relationship of the friend gravitates towards the men ents to effectively monitor them. In gen· parents and their ability to be because of his resentn1ent over his eral, one of the main weaknesses of mechanech (educate) their children. mother's treatment of his father. parents is failure to recognize the depth Honesty is of the utmost importance I have seen many young couples who of their children's understanding of the when seeking advice. are intuitively caring and receptive nuances of body language. Children will spouses. Without direct lessons from often manipulate parents into internal DIFFERENCES IN DEALING their parents, they seem to naturally fol· conflicts, distracting them from their WITH DISCIPLINE low what they have seen in the home. mutual goal: Chinuch. Couples who work out issues smooth· Parents who disagree should honor hen there is no one available, ly are often the offspring of a happy and the following guidelines: Ideally, parents I suggest the following rules: respectful upbringing. They have should have someone experienced and W The parent who believes in noticed many subtle gestures. A parent accessible to speak with, so1neone with the method being promoted should be will offer small talk ti_i break the ice after a fight. Another parent will always compliment the spouse's appearance. These subtleties become ingrained in Subscribe or gi,ve a gi,ft of their children and are repeated during their own marriage. It is worth mentioning that to our The Jewish Observer children, we are larger than life. What is actually a small argument may appear to our children to be much more sig· and $ave! nificant. Children with little self-esteem, WHY NOT GIVE OR GET A PRESENT in particular, interpret these incidents as THAT WILL LAST AN ENTIRE YEAR? being of greater importance than they truly are. Often, without any clear rea· Subscribe, or give a gift at these reduced prices son, they blame themselves for their par· and The Jewish Observer- filled with the views ents' argun1ents. of leading Torah thinkers on current issues- "vill be In addition, we often argue in front delivered each month, directly to your door. of our family, yet apologize privately. Our children are only seeing half the 'Ibe longer you subscribe for, the larger your savings. story, missing the happy ending. Often, Of course, this offer is unconditionally guaranteed; the true cause of friction is never you may cancel at any time and receive a refund for revealed to them: a bad day at work, or all undelivered copies. a sick grandparent. The younger our children are, the less are they able to So order today, and the very next issue will be on interpret what they witness. its way to you as soon as possible.
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The same you feel your spouse was unjustified? the chinuch, oversee recreation time, parent must "clean up" from any You can neither agree nor argue with and supervise most of their homework, problems. For instance, if one parent your spouse. Yet you must convey to as well. wants to strongly criticize a child your child his responsibility for the Jn extreme cases it might be neces during an already tense moment, that encounter. The proper response sary to calmly, and privately, confirm parent must deal with the ensuing should sound like this: "You know your to the child that you feel the other par tantrum. If a child constantly runs father/mother gets upset when you do ent is being too harsh, and that you will towards one parent, that parent has a that. You should have expected he/she work with him (the child) if, he in strong say in the method of discipline, will punish/scream at you for that." turn, will work with you. Do not legit as he is the one dealing with the cry How should a parent respond i1nize angry or impulsive behavior as ing child. when his or her spouse constantly ever being justified. You must, without What should you do when a child, overreacts? Here, a more dramatic anger, convey, "Nobody's perfect, not after having had an argument with approach in needed. Don't wait for the even parents. But it is still your respon your spouse, asks for your support, and next confrontation: Show your con sibility to avoid behavior that causes viction towards the issue. (Conviction anger:' In general, I believe children do is not anger or resentment, simply a not have to believe parents are perfect, strong belief in his mistake, convey just that despite their mistakes they ing that you will not back down until 1nean well. this issue is settled.) If his or her methods are as extre1ne as you believe IN CONCLUSION they are, take hin1 or her to someone both respect. arriage is a deceptive rela -~-- IJMIOplltt~!~P a-~ Remember to deal with policy, and tionship. The idealistic opti -~rving i~~~ftocld!ers_ not individual cases. Individual cases M mism of the new chassan and & their families are personal. General rules are broad kalla gives way to the realization that er and can be accepted more readily. they have committed themselves to a Be prepared. By being forceful, you responsibility that will take all the might have to undertake the bulk of energy and resources they can muster. A strong marriage is a worthy and nec essary project, as it becomes a role model CHEVRA OSEH CHESED for our children, grandchildren, and our OFAGUDATHISRAEL community. I would like to conclude with the BURIAL PLOTS Maharafs statement in the Gemora: "A proper match is as difficult as the split IN ERETZ YISROEL ting of the Sea:' The Maharal adds that Interment in a .Shomer Shabbos Beis the miracle is not in finding the 1natch, Olam near Beis Shemesh but in keeping the couple happily Please phone or write to: together for the rest of their lives. Let us Chevra Oseb Cbesed of Agudatb Israel work on this daily miracle, proving us 42 Broadway, New Yoth. NY 10004 worthy of a home where the Shechina (212) 797-9000 resides within our walls. • 1f()W do 'f"" ry '"f)did,o~ 1f~" m, J..~ ~k? Evaluation & Therapy are available In the Reisman's, please. privacy of your homert;. _.i Cfip:rav or at aurcenter 'J , tv lj i.J ~~ It's a tasty treat in any language. A vailab/e at your neighborhood supermarket or gourmet food shop. For the best hamentaschen around the globe, always ask For Reisman·s. Reisman Brother's Bakery• PO Box 112, Brooklyn, NY 11204 • 718-331-2012 ------~·------18 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 ,;;_,:: L-ROJlll Cfis con lntlflde: KOL-llOM CDs Coll Be'l:lsed ·F~n •Videos •Marketing & Sales • 3-D Vift;ual.Wolk·1hroughs •Fund Raising • Corporate Presentations •. lflte'r~~~~~tpeu~ lvfaps • Event Coverage • lnteffit~/\(ecPl'i(!fl! Gallerii!slstflieshifws •Education/Training • Memorabilia • Printabl~·t"i-i:is,iifd(J)dr;s. etc. • Integration With Your Web Site Games, ScreeiisavirsAnli •Almost Anything You Can lmagin Much More! For more informatlon or a sample cq ta.!!Toll Fre·e 866-4KOL-ROM145s-51ss> CHANANYA KRAMFR,MULTIMEDJ.4,·:I)'IR'ECTOR KOL1 Inforr:n. Excite. .•it'~ .. /. '~~;i~ge~ ·~-2.~~ Make.Yoµr.Voil:eflearlfWith KOL-ROM. Earn MAXIMUM _~pend the upco1ning year within CH~NUCH: ._ ___'"·------· lY The Jewish Observer, January 2002 19 SHALOM BAYIS REEXAMINED Rabbi Yisroel Reisman ven couples married for many benefit is there in marriage? Instead of dialogue will bring them to a proper, years should keep themselves one six-foot person, marriage would give happy medium. Efocused on Shalom Bayis. Every you eleven-and-a-half feet of that person. one can benefit from an occasional He is the same; nothing has changed. A FUNNY THING HAPPENS ON THE reminder, and it pays to always be alert Marriage would not bring any funda WAY BACK FROM THE CHUPA for advice to stay on the right track. mental improvement to a human being. A lesson that the Chasam Sofer On the other hand, if the two are dif am fortunate enough to be in yeshi derives from Parshas Chayei Sarah ferent, there is a great advantage. When va, where I come into contact with stands out as crucial appreciation of the two people with differences join togeth I young chassanim. They are full of difficulties that normal people can er to form a single home, there are going enthusiasm as they tell me, "You know, encounter in this area. His words are to be disagreements. How wonderful! it's amazing. We're the same. Could you both simple and profound; intellectu They will disagree, they will argue, they believe it! I loved it in Bretz Yisroel and al, yet practical; they offer sound advice will discuss ... and ultimately, they will she loved it! We like similar foods; we for all couples to whom Shalom Bayis come to a decision regarding their have similar hobbies; we even use the is sacred. course in life. The decision will be well same brand of toothpaste!" Eliezer proposes that Rivka marry thought out. It will be the result of much Then they get married. They find that Yitzchak. In response, Lavan says, analysis and deliberation. And it will they are not so alike after all. They like "Mei'Hashem yatza hadavar-this mar result in a well-planned life. the same foods, but one likes to eat out riage is Divinely ordained. Lo nuchal "Lo nuchal dabeir eilecha ra oh tov while the other likes to stay home. They dabeir eilecha ra oh tov- there is noth there is nothing we can say, neither bad both use the same brand of toothpaste, ing we can say, neither bad nor good." not good." The tov, says the Chasam but one replaces the cap, while the other Chasam Sofer asks: It was understood Sofer, is not always tov, and the ra is not loses it. (It seems that the Ribbono Shel that Rivka would marry Yitzchak. Cer always ra. Differences between husband Olam uses this crucial factor in deter tainly, no person would say anything bad and wife may seem to be ra, but it is not mining shidduchim; pairing one cap about a shidduch once he realized that actually so. These differences may in fact loser with a cap-replacer.) it was a sealed agreement. But, why not be the greatest tov in the life of the cou Suddenly, things are not so rosy. say something good? After all, if the shid ple. There are disagreements, then argu duch was going to happen away, why not Chasam Sofer gives one example of ments, and the happy couple is not so offer a positive assessment of the shid this idea, an example with which many happy. There are problems and the duch? couples would easily identify. Often (very match made in heaven is a mismatch! Chasam Sofer answers that the Torah often), one partner in marriage is a The Chasam Sofer says: "Problems? (through Lavan) is teaching us a lesson pazron, a person who is quick to spend Not at all. This is a match made in heav regarding marriage. We often harbor the money, while the other is a kamtzan, en, a perfect shidduch! That's precisely misconception that to make a good mar reluctant to incur expenses. They often the benefit of marriage!» riage, it is crucial that both partners be disagree on how their finances should similar, that they be as identical as pos be run. How fortunate they are! Imag AFRAID OF DISAGREEMENTS! sible. But this is not true. In a successful ine if they were both pazranim, impul marriage, it is important that there be dif sive spenders; the house would come to erhaps we can better appreciate ferences between the two partners, as well. economic ruin. No money would be this by referring to the chavrusa If two people are exactly the same, what saved. If both would be kamtzanim, Prelationship. Two young men are Rabbi Reisman serves as Rav of Agudath Israel reluctant to part with their money, the studying together, trying to appreciate of Madison in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, house could not be a happy place. It is the depth of a sugya (topic in the Tal and says a shiur in the beis midrash of Mesivta because they are different - one is a mud). The Gemora introduces a con Torah Vodaath. The above article is based on a kamtzan and the other a pazran - that cept, which can be understood two ways. presentation at the recent National Convention of Agudath Israel of America. they will disagree and their constructive Each chavrusa pauses to mull over the 20 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 two possibilities. Baro Park, where he lives. I realize that endowed with the ability (chush Occasionally, you have chavrusos he's lvaitingfor someone. I see that he ha're'ach) to sense the truth regarding who will generally agree. They under is repeatedly looking at his watch ... the n1anner in which her husband con stand the Gemora in a similar manner. then down the street ... looking... step ducts himself, in relation to his spiritu They read the Gemora, express their ping out ... he looks angry. I realize that al status." understanding, and move on. Across the he is waitingfor his wife. I sympathize. He explains that a woman's ability to study hall, there are two other young As I walked by. I commented to him, disagree with her husband regarding his men who are studying together. They "Yehuda, don't blanze her. Blame the conduct- and to be correct in her con come to sa1ne sugya. One expresses his Ribbono Shel Olam. He created wives tention - is a gift to the husband from understanding. The other disagrees. that lvay.'' the Ribbono Shel Olam. They begin arguing. One cites a source, The following day, Yehuda The Gemora relates that Rav Chan to support his approach; the other pres approached me to thank me for my ina ben Tradyon, one of the ten harugei ents a logical counter-argument. Look comment the evening before. "We were malchus (Torah giants martyred by the - they're fighting! headed to an important appointment. Romans), was punished because he pro Which pair of chavrusos is ideal? My wife was late. When she finally nounced Hashem's Name as it is spelled, Which will have a better chance of fully arrived, she was ready for a fight. I was something that is normally done only appreciating the sugya! The pair that ready for a fight. Instead, I go into the in the Reis Hamikdash. When the agree? Or the pair that disagree? Which car and said, 'Reh Yisroel said it's not Romans took him to be killed, his wife will pursue the truth? Which is more your fault! I'll take up my complaints was defiled as well. The Gemora relates likely to become complacent and move with the Ribbono Shel Olam."' that he was punished for pronouncing on without much thought or depth? Accept differences; that's the lesson Hashem's Name, while she was punished You get the picture. We know that the of the Chasam Sofer. It's a lesson for best chavrusa is the one that disagrees, shana rishona, the first year of marriage, providing that he disagrees on the issue and a lesson for all subsequent years of with intellectual honesty, and with the marriage. willingness to yield when disproven, realizing that he in truth is a winner. A DEEPER APPRECIATION Now he has arrived at the truth. This is what a good chavrusa is all about. abbi Chaim Shmulevitz takes The sugyos of life deserve the same this lesson a step further. In scrutiny. Disagreements are important RSichos Mussar (5732:20), he refers tools in a good, constructive dialogue. to a "sod gadol be'yetzira;' what he calls .• -.·_·_: k1'6si~frefif:;p,~~~tx~ They are an integral part of marriage. a great secret of creation. "A woman is No wonder couples so often disagree! created to be helpful to her husband, and Home:>(718)~58'-17(j5 I had often heard that in-laws some· as a result of this responsibility, she is Pager: (917) 486·5655 times do damage to a marriage. It's something I could never understand. Which parents would destroy a mar riage? Jonah's Fashion Inc. Over time, I've observed that prob le1ns often stem from parents' insecu rity. When their child and his/her wife/husband have disagreements, the parents suffer from their failure to • We make skirts and jumpers, solids learn this Chasam Sofer. They fail to real and plaids, from size 5 thru ize that disagreements, when engaged in junior and pre-teens with willingness to listen and mutual respect, are a part of marriage. Yes, your • Bais Yaacov blouses made from tatelle can learn to work things out with our own custom made out you! (extra heavy) material After yeshiva, I often walk around the block to catch a bus home. One evening, as I turned the corner, I saw a member ofour kollel standing at the edge of the street, looking towards -----···-----·-----·--·------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 21 for not preventing him from doing so. correct him? accepted by his subjects as their leader. How incredible! Rav Chanina was a Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz presents His commands are followed happily. A gadol hador (leader of his generation), this question, and concludes that even moshel rules by force, against the desire a poseik (authority) for his people. He if a man is a gadol hador, his wife's abil of his subjects. held that he was permitted to pronounce ity to sense his failings rises to corre Ki lashem hamelucha u'moshel ba'goy Hashem's Name. Wouldn't it be expect spond to his level. Thus, his wife did im, the Jewish people have accepted ed that his wife accept his p'sak (ruling)? indeed have the ability to correct him. Hashem's rule willingly, but the idolater How could she be faulted for failing to What men often see as a hindrance, does not accept Hashem's dktates. To him, as a burden, is actually a gift of the high Hashem is a moshel. est order! Only when Mashiach comes will all How tragic it is when people turn the accept Hashem' s rule willingly: "V'hayah great gifts of marriage into problems. Hashem l'melech al kol ha'aretz. On that The very potential for disagreement and day will G-d be King over all the Earth." Yeshivish Classical constructive criticism that marriage Returning to our subject, Mi Israeli offers should be appreciated and utilized she'ishto mosheles alav, a man whose Klezmer with great joy. wife rules over him, lives a tough life, If we understand that it is inherent indeed. This is because his wife's in marriage to have disagreements, to opinions cause him anger and aggra build from differences - and yes, to vation; he feels threatened by her. She accept criticism - then we can build in has become a moshel. Sad, indeed. A our marriage. couple should never have a memshala relationship. The home should have an ISHTO MOSHELES ALAV atmosphere of malchus, where the royal couple rules jointly, and disagree he Gemora (Beitza 32) teaches ments that arise are cause for fruitful "There are three whose lives are discussion and joyful growth. Tnot lives:' One of the three is mi We need to internalize the Chasam 28 Weaver Avenue, Newport, RI 02840 she'ishto mosheles alav, a man whose wife Sofeis message. Having a disagreement Tel.: (401) 849-0051 •Fax: (401) 847-5902 rules over him. does not mean that a marriage is a fail www.kosherbedandbreakfast.com Using the Chasam Sofet's idea, we can ure. It makes growth possible. It can make Enjoy the freedom and convenience of a understand this Gemora in a new light. a home better than it was before. 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S"Lehavdil;' by Aviva Minsk, (May snowy winter afternoon we went for a I was so moved by his story, I knew '97) in which the author writes with jus long walk, and he told me his story - then he was my bashert for whom I'd tifiable pain that for many F.F.B. (Frum how after a totally secular upbringing, been searching for so long, and that our from Birth) families the idea of a B.T. he had decided to lead a Torah life. He futures were to be inevitably inter (Baal Teshuva) marrying their daugh explained all the difficulties that deci twined. ters or sons is "beyond the pale:' I would sion had brought. So we were married. My husband like to reassure her along with other 'Jwenty-five years ago, the baal teshu continued on his spiritual journey, and B.T.'s that not all F.F.B.'s feel that way. I va movement was just starting. My hus by so doing took me along with him, think I am uniquely qualified to com band did not have an instant support away from my F.F.B. complacency. I ment.Twenty-five years ago, I, from an group, special programs, Shabbatanim learned to see the world of Torah F.F.B. family, whose father 'rt received or even the trusty ArtScroll Siddur to through new eyes, giving me a different semicha from Rabbi Yosef Kahaneman help him. He was basically a pioneer, perspective on things I had always taken at the esteemed Ponovezher Yeshiva in struggling along on his own, trying to for granted. The experience was like a Europe, married a baal teshuva - and a make sense of the strange world of fresh breeze blowing into a musty room, relatively new one, at that. Orthodoxy he had chosen - or felt com which had been sealed up for too long. Why did I do something that was pelled - to become part of. Everything almost unheard of then, and even was new to him and could be achieved From Generation to Generation today? I suppose the simplest - and best only with difficulty. When a family invit - answer is that we were bashert for each ed him for Shabbos, he was handed a everal months after our wedding, other. Hashem - the greatest Shadchan bentcher but held it upside down! He we went for a short visit to his fam of all - had it all arranged. We needed had to struggle to learn Alef Beis from Sily in New Jersey. They were friend each other to become the people we are a child's sefer. For someone who had ly and welcoming, going out of their way now. Had I married one of the nice, always known academic success in the to accommodate us with specially complacent, interchangeable young secular world and was in fact attending bought kosher food and paper plates. F.F.B. men with whom I had met on a prestigious law school at the time, it So1nehow, they even found two candles shidduchim, I probably would have was definitely not an easy transforma for me to light on Friday evening. But remained on the same religious level all tion. as I did so, I reflected that it was prob my life, doing everything by rote, never Another obstacle he had to face was ably the first time that Shabbos candles growmg. alienation from his parents, as they had had ever been lit in that house. felt he was rejecting them and their val I began to wonder how my husband, Mrs. Levin lives in Jerusalen1. Her poem, "Prayer:' was featured in /0 Dec. '96. ues. Somehow he had the strength and having grown up in such a secular envi- 24 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 ronment, had ever managed to move so public schools were closed then. But his experienced it before as a secular "har far away from it. In shul on Shabbos family didn't go to shul either. He had vest festival." As we walked together to morning, I watched from the Ezras always felt that he was 1nissing so1ne a midnight shiur for women, she looked Nashim as my husband davened. He thing. But now, through our children, up at the starry sky as if truly expect prayed with such kavana that I could he could experience all the joys he'd ing it to open at any tnoment. only thank Hashem for this neis, the been denied in his own childhood. We "Hashem is giving us the Torah strength he had been given to leave his explained that a baal teshuva was tonight,'' she said with such joy in her former life and claim his Jewish heritage. someone who had chosen to become voice, it was contagious. I told her that Then his mother told us a quaint frum, and that was very special. Our her enthusias1n was a real inspiration to family story of the strange old lady- her son then insisted, "I \Vant to be a baal me. grandmother - who was so "old-fash teshuva, too." Then she thanked me for being a pos ioned" that she never removed her head At first we tried to rationalize with itive role model for her, as the woman scarf. Even when she wanted to wash her him and he started to cry. Then we real she was striving to beco1ne. hair, she had her daughters hold a towel ized that all of us can be - and should over her so that the "beams of her be, in a very real sense - "baalei teshu Continuing the Journey house" should never see her uncovered va." We should all continue to grow - head. "Just like Kimchi;' I exclaimed in spiritually, in mitzvos and learning - f one of our sons should one day wonder, recalling that story. never being satisfied, always striving for want to marry such a dedicated So my husband did have yichus, after more, perfecting ourselves into becom I young woman, I would certainly give all! The chain had nearly been severed, ing the Jews we have the potential to be. them my blessing and be proud to have but he had reconnected it now. Surely it Now my husband is teaching in a her as my daughter-in-law. Ill must be in the zechusofhis great-grand yeshiva here in Israel, writing sefarim, mother, the tzaddekes, that the next gen and doing kiruv (outreach) work with eration of the family is now frum again. new baalei teshuva. For who can When our oldest son was three, we empathize better than one who has gone carefully explained to him that Abba through the experience personally? This was a baal teshuva and discussed what past Shavuos, we had the privilege of it meant. We told him that when Abba having a new baalas teshuva stay with us. was a little boy he had never known the Having grown up in a secular, Jeftwing beauty of Shabbos, the fun of Purim, kibbutz, she recently discarded its the excitement of finding the afikomen emptiness and, like Ruth, found inner 1537 50th Street, on Pesach, building a succa or lighting strength and a new meaningful life for Chanuka candles. On Rosh Hashana herself as a frum woman. She was Brooklyn, NY 11219 and Yorn Kippur, he didn't go to thrilled with the whole concept of (718) 854-2911 school, as in New York City even the Shavuos as Mattan Torah, having only We put the "organize" into Organizations. You work tirelessly for Kial Yisroel. You're involved requirements - completely integrated with the in raising thousands of dollars each year. Do you fundraising features! With no additional know which of your efforts get the best response? programming or setup, V-MANAGER gives you Which fundraisers are most successful? Which dozens of point-and-click reports, as well as a donors need more attention? complete custom report writer -- allowing you to get the information you need right now! Organizations from coast to coast are discover ing V-MANAGER, the most sophisticated Ready to put the "organize" into your organiza fundraising software system available. tion? The people who depend on you deserve the Organize your contribution, pledge, and bestyoucanoffer: V-MANAGER. billing data. Arrange banquets, journals, event attendance, mail response tracking, Call us. 773-7 43-7240 or [email protected] and more. The educational version prints report cards and transcripts, tracks tuitions and scholarships, and manages pledge-to-raise The Jewish Observer, January 2002 25 Faiga Koenig Heading a Rabbi Neiman and family took close to two shop-worn, middle-aged parents, thank no one). G-d in His mercy has given me two minutes to get on the bus. Nine kids you) tell the truth. We are a beleaguered all that I could have imagined, and more. scrambled for seats as he bought a youth species. We sang, took pictures, visited the holy ticket with twenty punches that would be places in Tzefas and ended the day at the finished before the sun set. The median age MOTHER OF FOURTEEN TRIBES shores of the Kinneret. on the 33 bus was mid-forties, the day was Eliezer is our youngest. He is treas hot and the looks were disapproving. One he people making these jokes ured and beloved, the sunlight and joy passenger said what a significant number weren't with us in Meron the of our household. He is far richer than of her fellow passengers were no doubt Tbeautiful afternoon we sat outside I was at his age. I slept in splendid iso thinking: "Why don't you leave half of them the tomb of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. lation in my own room. I had far more at home?'' It was Eliezer's big day. His third birth clothing (and far more fashionable "I did," he answered. day was marked by his introduction to outfits). I said goodnight to my doll col This story is true. So is the one n1y neigh his identity as a Jew. The little person he lection nightly and entered a fantasy bor told me about her attempts to rent an would see in the mirror with a kipa and world in which there was sound, action, apartment in one of Brooklyn's heimishe peyos is definitely a member of the cho color, and most of all, drama. Eliezer neighborhoods. "Just how many children do sen people. The entire family came for lives in a room that he shares with four you have?" asked the owner. the occasion. Five married siblings and others. His days are rich and full. He is "Four lovely girls," she replied smiling their spouses and I 0 tiny nieces and a fourteenth child. They do not have any sweetly. She didn't mention the ten lovely nephews. This is, of course, besides the idea of how precious he is, not only to boys .... eight brothers and sisters who share his me, but also to us all. They do not know Reh Nachman would say that if you life daily. that the light that he sheds was never want to know the soul of a nation, listen to We were, indeed a tribe. Like our shed by anyone quite like him. their jokes. The jokes that people tell about patriarch Yaakov, I had crossed into They weren't with us when we left families such as mine ( 14 lovely children and Israel with almost nothing (and certainly our tiny home on the arrestingly breath- ------·------26 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 taking hill on the Moshav and rented an only that having the merit to dedicate children. They learn together, play apartment in the heart of the city. There her heart and soul to forming a tribe of together in an atmosphere of mutual were two children's rooms. One was Israel was the most significant contri acceptance and harmony. She told me small. I thought that one or two children bution that she could possibly make. It of an astonishing incident. The neigh could have their quiet spot. Nobody was for her the ultimate statement of her borhood mothers come to pick up their wanted it. I relented, and allowed all five self-expression. Everything about her children at closing time. Efrat, Ronit's of the children to sleep together. would live forever in her children. She mother, is among the regulars who sit is the bow and they are the arrows. on the sunny stoop waiting for the kids NOT JUST A SECULAR ATTITUDE to be escorted out. She was at the end FEELING LIKE A FAILURE of a pregnancy, and no doubt finds am often asked how we ended up Ronit, who has multiple disabilities, with more kids than fit on one side ids are different than tribes. We quite a handful. One of the other reg l of my Israeli identity card. I find all know that the Twelve Tribes ulars is Chavi. While she no doubt is a myself in the peculiar pos1t10n of Khave something to do with eter good person at heart, she often speaks defending being the recipient of what is nity, something to do with G-d's plan first and thinks second. Her faux pas are the greatest of blessings that G-d offers for the world. Kids, on the other hand, usually somewhat amusing (What? humans. It would be comforting to pre are seen by a lens that sees only the You're only41 ?). Today it could have led tend that only secularists look askance absolute present. They are dirty, noisy, to murder-by-humiliation. After they at large families. The underlying and frequently disobedient. They stub had run out of remarks on the weath assumption that we are martyred for bornly refuse to become what we envi er et al, she turned to Ronit's mother and having chosen a lifestyle in which both sioned for them. Only one tenth of them said "You must be nervous.After all, you parents sacrifice the quality of their lives are in the upper tenth percentile in may have another child with the same for the sake of living up to a religious school. There are (surprisingly?) just as principle is alive and well in the most many in the lowest tenth percentile. The surprising places. The spirit of the worst of all is that we feel like failures. times has seeped into our attitudes Until you get your first note home towards children far more insidiously from kindergarten about the importance than we can even begin to calculate. of combing the little tzaddik's hair A young bride, the daughter of a kol with a fine-toothed comb, you never lel family, confided in her best friend's even began to understand the hymn Beautiful rooms, with kitchen facilities, in mother that she would be happy if she "You'll never walk alone:' They are picky the heart of Soro Park, by day or week. had no children during the first year or eaters, and dislike the whole-grain veg Near Shuls, take out foods, etc. Profits to two of her marriage:' So many of my etable quiche that you saw in the cook Mifal Torah Vodaas. friends are divorced, I would want to be book. We feel like failures. sure that my marriage is stable first:' She They are not like the children in the Call (718) 851-2969 teaches in one of the most prestigious treacly Frovels (frum novels, which are No T.V.'s elementary schools in the Torah com a species of their own). They can break munity. your fal'ade of civility, and erode your "I don't want to live like my moth self-esteem. And of course, at the end of er," was the conclusion voiced by a a frustrating highly forgettable bedtime, AGEMACH minority (but still significant) number the worst blow of all is the nagging voice of young girls who were talking with of the Little Critic that tells you, still LoANFUND••• surprising frankness in a class on mar again, "You are a failure." We give the ... In memory of a loved one riage. Voice credence. We have come to accept merits them Metemal I sometime find it hard to believe that a definition of success and failure that pleasantness anct light to the these are the daughters of Rachel, who is superficial, materialistic, and status soul In Gan Ecten." equated childlessness with death, and oriented. (Chojetz Chaim) indeed was comforted in her final 7b establish a penmuat Memorial or Honorary Fund ot one of our 18 agony with the realization that she had "MY CHILD ISN'T MINE ... " branches across Eretz Ylsroet, contact: brought a child to the world. Rachel realized that each child that y second oldest daughter is the she brought into the world was unique. educational director of an ·01'rrOZER ·nut DALIM 1301 Avenue K., Each one of the twelve tribes was a M unusual kindergarten. It serv building block in what later would be ices children who have physical and Brooklyn, NY 11230 (718) 434-2228 the Chosen People. She understood not intellectual disabilities as well as healthy OztrDa!im The Jewish Observer, January 2002 27 syndrome." Him, and that the results ultimately are by telling a story: When her children were There was a second of silence so thick in His Hand. Once guilt, compulsion young, her 11-year-old (1-vho is now a Rosh that it could be cut with a knife. It felt and anger are not your constant com Yeshiva) was bored one afternoon. lie went eternal. In that split second, my daugh panions, you can begin to enjoy your up to the roof of the building, and began to ter, who heard the remark, would have family. Are there stresses? Of course. play with the solar heaters. He discovered paid a fortune for a credible distraction. Does the same Torah that promises us that they move. Shortly after this discovery Before she could speak, Efrat answered. that earning our bread will be a chal was made, one ofthen1 "somehow" was dis In her usual sweet and deliberate style, lenge tell us that raising children will be lodged and crashed down to the street below. she said. "My child isn't mine, he one as well? Aren't we told that neither By G-d's mercy, no one was in the road belongs to G-d. I'll be happy with what the Future World nor Torah nor Bretz where it sn1ashed sending 1netal shards in ever child He gives me." Yisroel can be acquired with ease? Isn't every direction. flis mother heard the Her measure of success and failure is striving the source of any meaningful noise, looked out and then up. She saw him real. It isn't colored by shallow standards achievement, whether it is a degree or trembling and pale, too terrified even to cry. of status, appearance, or expectation. a painting? The Maharal tells us that the At that point, the Rebbetzin said, she knew She will never either be, or feel, like a fail reason that we struggle to achieve life's that she had a choice to make. "I asked ure. greatest goals is to force us into enter myself, would he do this when he is thirty? ing a state of self-transcendence. This is Of course, the answer is that he won't. I GROWTH WITHOUT GUILT true in no area more than it is in child decided that this is not worth an emotion ra1s1ng. al investment. We spoke. A repayment he most important step in rais Rebbetzin Z. brought up her family of schedule was arranged, and the tragedy that ing a large family joyously and 18 children in a two-room apartment in was averted was discussed. I saved my emo Tsuccessfully is trusting Hashem. Yerushalayim. They are now adults. Each tional impact for things that could leave an He wants you to give no more than your one has grown to be an extraordinary mem imprint. VVhen the children hurt each other, maximum, nor to stunt you by wanting ber of the community. My eldest daughter when they lied as children do, it was then less from yon. Once you have given what sat next to her at a wedding. She couldn't that I invested myself" you can, accept that you are serving resist asking her for her secret. She answered Without questioning the powerful effect that Rebbetzin Z. had on her chil dren, let us focus on how they affected her. They were the building blocks of her character! Our sense of success must :.igdot·M iller' s include this part of our own evolution '0\." as well. This takes us to the crux of the SET 2: MARRIAGE II issue. Everything that is permanent and #732 .. Marriage & Successful living real is invisible. The people who emerge #ESO .... Ten Commandments of from the tiny bodies are invisible. The Marriage 2 #E215 .. The Marriage Counselor self-transcendence is imperceptible, because we are myopic. What is visible can be so overwhelming that it eclipses everything else. SET 4: ENJOYING LIFE II WHAT CAN WE DO ... Bitachon 1 #42 ...... Keeping Ahead of #207 .. Reward of Emunah Oneself WHEN WE ARE OVERWHELMED? #808 ... Joy of Emunah #742 .. learning to live 2 ').q'1"'""'1""'Qilil';iiii!!l!!!l!l!l!L=.::.--l #906 ... Cultivating the cassette SET 6: PERFECTION II Garden of the Mind Lisa stood on the porch and looked at ta~s are 90 #607 .... Character Training the cloudless blue sky. She wanted to be er.,...,...,minutes t!ach #983 .. Building the Personality per set. AH #E234 .. The Mitzvah of Optimis anywhere else. The apartment felt like a ser:ies,:ate :,, prison. She rose mechanically in the ,i~'lidt!rit Of each,;: 1 Choose from the following options Subtotal: ___ Plus Shipping• $5.00 ~Total$. ____ ·----I O I wi•h to order the sets ;ndicated at $17.85 each *free shipping with purcha1e of all 6 sets morning, and "serviced" one child after other, arid not a contin ·1 0 Set #1 - HAPPINESS !I 1 0 Set #2 MARRIAGE 11 another. Getting dressed seemed redun uation,. of ADDRESS._ .. _ previous' I D Set #3 RAISING CHILDREN II dant. The clothes that she selected with series. I 0 Set #4 - ENJOYING UH II CITY/ST/ZIP 1 0 Set #S - EMUNAH I BITACHON 11 Vi1a/Mastercard # .. ,, ______---·---·-··Exp such care were stained and faded from fre Allrightstollabbi I 0 Set #6 - PERFECTION II Ml/!enhpfsbe/ong I 0 Please send me the 4 sets indicated (12 cassettes) Sign<>ture: -- Phone ( ) -~--- quent laundering. The house was always lo Yeshivafkdola I for $60.00 Alw availoble Please phone, fax or mail orders to: B_als'rlSfbel.~ J 0 Please send me all 6 sets (18 ca_ssettes) for $85.00 at your local book YESHIVA GEDOLAH BAIS YISROEl half clean. She wanted beauty, ideas, infor rimlreproductian rn I L.J ! do not w1sh to order at th" nme. Please send me store, or from 2002 AVENUE J, BROOKLYN, NY 11210 anyfon? Bdormry I your catalog of over 1500 !•ties. Endosed is $2.50 th~ dimjbutor. TEL· 718-258·7400 0 FAX· 718·258-2394 mation, and companionship. She looked lNSOn, upnl/lillffed. wh ------·--··--·------28 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 and screamed silently. a few observations. were still young, after having rushed The easiest answer is to let the kids I. Be good to yourself. Find the time through minimalist davening for years. grow up a bit, and pray to never, never, to do what you need to in order to main It required my getting up (even) before never have any more. The problem is tain a positive outlook. For some the kids, but my sense of reality was that a crucial fact is not discussed - a women this can mean a workout, for grounded. I knew why I was here, I could tradeoff is being made. No Eliezer. others a shiur or a part-time job. Give look at myself and my family and feel Maybe no Rikki or Yanke!. Their songs yourself social contact by making full use Hashem's love for us. Everything was dif will not be heard. The person you may of Alexander Graham Bell's invention to ferent. Don't cheat yourself by drying have become as their mother is stunt broaden your horizons. Nourish your ed. body with healthful foods. However, Sometimes the tradeoff must be since the angst that many women feel KARKA IN ERETZ YISROEL made. There are times when emotion isn't only physical, the most important Call Rabbi Gavriel Beer for information al or physical incapacity leaves little lee thing of all is that you don't neglect your on obtaining cemetery plots in Beth way for choices. A Rav n1ust be con spirit. 'l'he wisest investment that I have Shemesh and other locations in Israel. sulted. But whether he says yes or no, ever inade is investing 20 minutes a 011-972-2-656-9427 this, when made with open eyes, is a morning for tefilla when my children heartbreaker. When life is in danger we eat on Yorn Kippur or break Shabbos. The Halachists tell us that when possi ble the act of desecration (e.g. calling the ambulance) should not be relegated to a child or an ignoramus. It should be For careful attention to your done by a respected adult, since this is individual needs, call us today! G-d's will for this situation, and we don't "second guess'' Him. Great Rabbanim of (845) 354-8445 the previous generation were known to have encouraged and strengthened peo ple who were forced into transgressions of this sort to do so with the simcha with which they would do anything else that Hashem wanted of them. However they didn't enjoin them to enjoy the view from the ambulance, or to put ketchup on food that is eaten on Yorn Kippur in Global Cellphone Rental a situation of duress. 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Having spent the last 34 years as a mother (as I write this, I 877.CELL P' cannot believe that this is really true; my 877.235.5746 image of myself is far younger than the 34 years of my parenthood), I will share www.travelcell.com ------·------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 29 out your spirit! life. When I reentered the world of the liquid drip down the baby's chin, give The silence ofdawn was the perfect ordinary, it was different. It was beau yourself the time to make eye contact backdrop for the words that I had been tiful. Even crying sounded different. It with her. Enjoy her wakefulness and saying by rote. ''Baruch She)amar - is the sound of life. wonder. Enjoy kindergarten theatrics Blessed is He who spoke and brought 2. Don't be "good" to yourself by and toddler art. Enjoy the process of the 1vorld into being... Ezras Avoseinu escaping. You have to come back. There their learning how to find their place in - You have helped our ancestors is an enormous difference between the world. through their travails... Mech aye self-nurture and escape. One enhances Our Shabbos guest no doubt thought HaMeisim - Your revive life constant the moment. The other avoids it. Don't that I was running a group home. She ly." Nothing is dead or doomed! We "service" your children so that you can had never seen so many children under must thank You for the miracles that get on with "getting anything done." one roof in a non-institutional setting. you do morning, evening, and noon. Don't deny yourself the scent of baby She began by introducing herself. I prod I had not seen the miracles. I was too shampoo. As you spoon oatmeal in, and ded them into answering her. In a pre absorbed by the ebb and flow of daily the rivulets of the fashionably colored school effort to make our guest feel at home, Aharon introduced himself as Closet. ["Aron" is the Hebrew word for closet.] \\\\\\1DROU6H ROTES Reuven looked doleful as he entered the kitchen straight from school. He held DiRECT DiAl LoNq DisTANCE PHONE SERvicE my hand, and asked if I knew Lemech, Noach's father. I asked why he wanted to know. "He died," he told me gently. He had assumed that I was at least 5000 or so years old. 3. There will be tough times. Illness es, teething, sleepless nights are all part of the package. There will be days when you don't cope, and interviews with teachers that you wish didn't happen. Your role is neither to be perfect, nor to STATE TO STA E have a perfect child. Your role is to give INCOMiN{i 800 NuMbERs ARE AT T~E SAME low RATE of 4.74 and to let the act of giving transform you. It is not always easy to know how to give. There will be times that the greatest gift is structure or disapproval, and far more times where the greatest gift is uncondi tional love and acceptance. Don't walk the road alone. Adam and Chava were the first parents; you do not have to start To lsRAEL where they did. Read the books. Find a •TO Pl1ori.1:s 25¢; CE!lu!..i.1<: mentor. For some of us, the most natu ral mentor of all is our own parents. For far more of us, we must use our powers of observation to find the people who we RR~ can turn to for guidance. Never be ~ ashamed to move beyond what you see CAN Ad A doesn't work. Be open to new ideas. 4. Most of all, learn to turn to the One who is the ultimate possessor of both our children and us. Be open to Him and turn to Him not only during tefilla, but moment-by-moment. He entrusted you with your children and All pROCEEds qo diREcrly TO OoRAlj TO SPONSOR A cljildls lE knows both you and them. '"'"'""""'"I!'"'' l>tllc 30 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 Formerly oflnterom . 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Eligibility: Persons and associations who/which were persecuted by the National Socialist regime or who left the country to escape such persecution and who suffered losses or damages as a result of or in connection with events having occurred on the territory of the present-day Republic of Austria during the National Socialist era are eligible to file an application. Heirs of such persons and legal successors of defunct associations are also eligible. OF NATIONAL SOCIALISM? CATEGORIES OF PROPERTY: Applications for • occupational or educational losses compensation of losses or damages may be • any other claims for losses or damages unless filed in the following categories: those claims are already covered by the • liquidated businesses, including licenses and Austrian Reconciliation Fund for former slave other business assets and forced labourers or by in rem restitution • real property IN REM RESTITUTION: Applications for in rem •bank accounts, stocks, bonds and mortgages restitution of real estate (land) and buildings (in •movable property unless such property losses case of Jewish organizations also tangible mov are covered by the payments for apartment able property) which were owned by the Federal and small business leases, household property Government or the City of Vienna on January 17, and personal valuables and effects 2001, may be filed with an Arbitration Panel •insurance policies established with the Fund. DEADLINE FOR APPLICATIONS: You may file applications in writing until May 27, 2003. For additional information and application forms please contact the General Settlement Fund at: ALLGEMEINER ENTSCHADIGUNGSFONDS FUR OPFER DES NATIONALSOZIALISMUS Parlament - 1017 Wien, bsterreich Telephone: +43/1/40812 63 www.nationalfonds.org------·--' Fax: +43/1/31000 88 ADDITIONAL SOCIAL BENEFITS: Upon achievement of legal closure (dismissal of all US class-actions against Austria and/or Austrian companies related to the National Socialist era) disbursement of "Pflegegeld" (nursing allowance) will be improved, and the prerequisites for the preferential right to retroactively purchase pension rights, as well as for the entitlement to a pension under the Victims Assistance Act ("Opferrente") will be eased. For further information please contact: PENSIONS/"PFLEGEGELD": Pensionsversicherungsanstalt der Angestellten, Friedrich-Hillegeist-Stra15e 1, A-1021 Wien or Pensionsversicherungsanstalt der Arbeiter, Rol5auer Lande 3, A-1090 Wien or Sozialversicherungsanstalt der gewerblichen Wirtschaft, Wiedner Hauptstral5e 84-86, A-1053 Wien "OPFERRENTEN": Amt der Wiener Landesregierung, MA 12 - Referat Opferfiirsorge, Schottenring 24, A-1010 Wien Mrs. Seryl Sander ·Rachmanus, ··ejection ~ Reality Yes, there is full recovery from life-threatening diseases THE REMARKABLE INCREASE percent curable. In 1940, a diagnosis of goods." The stories of hurt and disap IN SURVIVAL RATES acute lymphocytic leukemia meant a pointment abound. The anguish of the death sentence, as the disease was invari parents and the young people is terrible; Nowadays-in contrast to earlier gen ably fatal. Now the cancer cure rate for and their dignity and the strength of their erations - people expect their children to this type of childhood leukemia is over bitachon in the face of rl1is nisayon is hum grow into adulthood. One can ascribe this 70 percent. The same time period also saw bling. confidence generally to the advances in the cure rate for most childhood cancers Consider the experience of Mrs. B.: medical care and public hygiene, but go from I 0 percent to 70 percent. "My son, who is now nineteen, was believing Jews recognize this as a beracha Dr. Michael Harris, an Orthodox diagnosed more that seven years ago with with which our generation has been Jewish pediatric oncologist and director leuken1ia. We went through a lot, eino blessed. Each Jewish life is precious, and of the Tomorrow's Children Institute at tionally, physically, and psychologically. for the generations that have the vivid Hackensack University Medical Center, Baruch Hashem, he did not simply sur memory of the Churban in Europe, this explains that "cure" in this context means vive, but came through with flying col beneficence is something not to be taken being free of the disease for five years from ors. It was a nes, a miracle. 'fhe doctors lightly. In truth, we recognize that we are the completion of treatment. The vast were amazed, because after just two doses not more deserving than the preceding majority of children who have survived of chemotherapy) he was cured and was generations and, therefore, we must try cancer go on to lead normal healthy lives. able to return to yeshiva a half year later. to understand what is expected of us in With the disease behind them, and with "He's a very good bachur, kein ayin return. the memory of their ordeal fading, they hara, with an unusually good memory. He The belief in the value of a single Jew enter adulthood anticipating n1arriage also has an exceptional personality. He is ish life is sorely tested when we hear about and building their own families. Ordi considered one of the top three boys in a child or young adult who has been narily, we would expect that these sur his yeshiva. A number of Rabbanim told stricken with a dreaded, and often poten vivors, who achieved a depth and n1atu me that l should look for a shidduch that tially fatal, disease. Such news galvanizes rity not afforded everyone, would be is fitting for him, and I shouldn't short the community, and all unite in prayer for excellent candidates for shidduchim. This change him because of his qualities and the choleh. The widespread network of sentiment was conveyed in a letter signed the fact that he is cured. I also spoke with Bikkur Cholim organizations and infor by Dr. Harris and Dr. Peter Steinherz several doctors, who all told us he is fine. mal groups of friends rally to help the together with Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, the One of the Rabbanirn asked my husband family and patient deal with all the issues Novominsker Rebbe (Rosh Agudath to find out if my son was treated with a confronting them. More often than not, Israel and a member of its Moetzes drug that caused infertility. We confirmed ;r~. the tefillos and Tehillirn receive a pos Gedolei Hatorah): "Cancer survivors have that he was never given that drug, and that itive answer. been refined and polished as a result oftheir he has no more need for concern over fer Indeed, the survival rate for childhood experiences. 'They are unique hun1an tility than any of his peers who never had cancers has increased dramatically over beings lvho possess keen sensitivity, matu leukemia. the past fifty years. Childhood cancer has rity, depth ofunderstanding about life and "I asked my pediatrician, who is not gone from being 70 percent fatal to 70 their fellow man, and a strong emuna and Orthodox, 'What do you think are my bitachon." chances of finding a match for my son?' Mrs. Sander is author of "Times of Challenge" He told me, 'In your society, your son is (Published by Artscroll), a collection of experiences recorded by survivors and their families as well as AFTER THE RECOVERY: REJECTION probably going to be a scholar, or even son1e who succtnnbed to critical illnesses. tually go into his father's business. He's The co1nn1ents of the parent<; and survivors quot Once the disease has been cured, how not going to be a marathon runner, he's ed here were extracted, with n1inor editing for ever, the very people who were there to not going to be in the Olympics. But even brevity, from a series of interviews carried out help during the crisis often turn their if he had never been sick, he would not by Parents Caring and Sharing, Inc., a Brooklyn backs on their charges; for shidduchirn have been in the Olympics. Your son is a based, self-help and outreach nenvork for Ortho dox Jewish parents of children with cancer. purposes, the survivors are "damaged better person than a lot of people I know ------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 33 because what he went through made him looked at him, my husband said, as if he over-protective parents. Consider the a stronger- a much better, caring person were undressing him, up and down, inside experience of Rivky, a cancer survivor and than anybody else. I don't see what your out, back and front, top to bottom. He now a happily married young mother. question is."' never even bothered calling. Another Rivky missed one year of high school and, But her question was born of insight shadchan called and told my husband he following her successful treatment, into the reception her son's arrival on the would try, but his initial fee would be returned to normal life. Her mother shidduch scene would have. As she relates, $10,000. Then he tried to talk me into a recalls: "Let me tell you about my experience shidduch that was totally unsuitable for "Rivky was an outstanding girl. The with shidduchim. This is my third child. my son. teachers loved her, her friends loved her; With my older married son, I never called "If somebody has an accident," she she was capable, smart and beautiful shadchanim. My phones were ringing off asks plaintively, "and lies unconscious in and she had a wonderful prognosis. the hook. With my oldest daughter, I the hospital, and afterwards he recov VVhen it came to shidduchim, I re1ne111- wouldn't say that, but there was interest. ers, isn't that part of his life over and ber spending a lot of time on the phone But with this son, there is no interest at done with? But here, even after he is with different people who wanted to go all. Even some people in the family have cured, the only thing most people see is to bat for her. been unsupportive and have come up that he was once sick. That's it. So they "Her most painful experience with really weird ideas. Somebody in my want to match one mishap with anoth occurred when a dear friend proposed a husband's family asked him, 'Why are you er mishap. With that attitude, we don't shidduch with a very close friend of the so choosy?' He then said he has a very even get to first base." family. The boy very much wanted to good idea, and suggested a 23-year-old meet Rivky. They went out and he clear divorcee. Is that a match for a 19-year-old NEGOTIATING THE ROADBWCKS ly liked her. After the third date, his father, boy? TO RIVKY'S MARRIAGE who was a physician, became involved. He "The shadchanim don't show any was obviously very frightened about her interest at all. A few months ago, my hus Sometimes, even doctors, who surely medical condition, and insisted on speak band went to a wedding and a shadchan know better, assume the same dismissive ing with her oncologist. The oncologist, said to him. 'Let me see your son.' He attitude as uninformed shadchanim and who is not Jewish, told us: 'This man asked a hundred question, he asked about sta r.------~ tistics, and it was clear that he has no faith whatsoever, neither in G-d nor in any ARE You Mov1NG? medical process. lfe was running scared, and he just wanted a reason to say no: IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS PRINTED "My daughter insisted on speaking to INCORRECTLY ON THE JO MAILING LABEL? the boy. She told him that she under We need your help to ensure proper delivery of the Jewish Observer to your home. stood his position and that he should Please attach current mailing label in the space below, or print clearly your address and n't feel bad. She added that she was computer processing numbers that are printed above your name on the address label. mochel him for any hurt he and his father had caused her, and she wished him that he find his bashert. "!know other doctors who are far more Affix old label here understanding. Dr. Michael Harris [men tioned earlier J was consulted by people who were considering a shidduch with a Name ______young man-survivor. When they asked about his health, Dr. Harris replied, 'I am New Address intimately familiar with his body and his health status. No one can predict the future, City, but right now I can tell you that I know State, ______.Zip this boy is healthy. Can you positively say the same of your own daughter?'" Date Effective ------ Send address The Jewish Observer THEA. DAUGHTER'S TALE changes to: Change of Address 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 Mr. A. tells a similar tale: !'lease allow 4-6 weeks for all changes to be reflected on your mailing label. We will not "Our daughter is a fully normal, well L. be responsible for back issues missed unless you notify us 6 weeks prior to your move. .J person, active and productive. She went ------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 34 to school and spent a year in Israel. But greater than the chance of contracting it maalos. It's a very hard pill to swallow:' people don't take any of that into con is for anybody in the general population, sideration. We don't ignore the fact that and that her chances of fertility are no less TOVA'S TALE OF TRIUMPH she had a medical history or deny that it than anyone else's. But a lot of people took place. What is frustrating to us is that won't even get to the stage of reading the As we have seen, it is often parents who for many people in the co1nmunity ~once letter. put roadblocks in the way of children who they hear that there was a problem, that " A medical history is not the same are considering healthy survivors as suit is all they hear. We have had people call as a current n1edical problem, which able marriage partners, on the basis of us up to suggest shidduchim with people limits their functioning and may con1- their compatible personal qualities. When who have a vvhole range of serious, cur promise their future health. Someone parents have an open mind, the picture rent problems. who was once sick and is now well does is far 1nore optimistic, as in the case of "A shidduch was proposed for us. The not have those sa1ne limitations. Our Tova, a recently married 21-year-old sur other side heard wonderful things about children should be evaluated in terms vivor of ALL (Acute Lymphatic our daughter and was ready to go ahead. of the total package. But to shadchan Leukemia). She says, "I was diagnosed at They also found out about her medical im, the main thing is the deficit. If the eight-and-a-half, and finished chemother history. Since they didn't know how to standard shadchan had to find a shid apy when I was ten. I always thought it evaluate it, they asked if their doctor, who duch for a dull boy, he wouldn't even would be extremelydifficultto find a shid is a frum man from the community, could mention this factor. He would say he's duch since most people are afraid of what speak to our doctor. We agreed, and our from a wonderful family, that he's good they don't know, and you can't really doctor told theirs that our child had this looking and he learns well. Later, when blame them for that. As soon as they hear and was treated and is now cured. Their he takes the girl out for a date and she that somebody had cancer, all they think doctor said, 'Okay, thank you very much; sees he's dull, she may or may not be about is death. Then they wonder, 'Can he and that was the end of the conversation. interested. The shadchan doesn't start or she have children?' But I definitely don't 1ben we got word that the other side was out by saying, 'I have a responsibility to think that survivors should hide their his no longer interested. Since there was noth tell you he's dull and boring, but he's tory. There is nothing to hide) because we ing in the two doctors' conversation that from a wonderful family.' No shadchan didn't do anything wrong. would lead to that conclusion, we asked would push the deficit up front and say, "I began going out shortly after I our pediatrician to call up their doctor 'If you go out with this dull boy, I'll tell turned 19. Six months later I met my and find out what had happened. The you his maalos (positive attributes) now-husband. On our third date, I felt doctor told him, 'They wanted me to later. But in our daughter's situation, compelled to tell him about my history. speak to him, so I did. Then they asked they feel they have to mention the deficit By the third date, you're either never going me what I thought, and I told them, Why up front, and if people are willing to to speak to each other again, or you're should you even bother getting involved?' swallow that pill, they will tell all the planning on something to happen. I think His advice wasn't based on any specific information about the case. It was just his general feeling." L.S. PRICES TYPE OF CAR OR SIMllAR 26 AUG. 01 Mr. A. does not expect people not to 22 MAR. 02 inquire. All he suggests is that each case MANUAL CARS PER WEEK be evaluated on its own 1nerits. "Some A FIAT PUNTO 3 DR. 112 S ·------··------Cl cancer survivors have indeed undergone B Fl.AT PUNTO 5 DR.__ 126 N debilitating treatments, but others have C1 PEUGE()_T 306 ····-·· ..182 ~ been spared the devastating consequences ~T M.lt.!I!~- SE~TS -· 45_!5_. i of such a regimen. In fact, for some sur vivors the chances of a recurrence are no more than, and may be less than, that of [) Oi>EL COf!SA -·--· 189 .. ! E DAEWOO LANOS 217 ·· the general population. Shouldn't that be Toll Free: ,,- su_zukl BALENO 1:6 245 - ~ sufficient?" G TOYOTA COROLLA 1.6 273 !!J 1-800-938-5000 -·---·---·-·~------a. Tel in NYC: What does Mr.A. suggest?"Some sur XL PEUGEOT 406 2.0 . 357 ~ vivors are more scarred than others. Eval SX CHEVROLET MALIBU 399 z 212-629-6090 uate each case on its own merits. Don't VX VOLVO s-7o ___ -630 - ~ (. I Ex r111Effc'EDESE2411- 7:7o ., assume that all of them have the same dis fRU' ontfnw rental "•· abilities and liabilities. For instance, we for each spent at were advised to get a letter from the doc llDAN ff JERUSALEM tors who had worked with our child, stat =~ur7.:.~ ing that her chances of recurrence are not The Jewish Observer, January 2002 35 that it's necessary to be up front because lem, because I had gone into remission parents and he is with his, I would hope otherwise the person you're dating may very early in my chemotherapy, I had that my children would take into con feel betrayed - not because it's something been off chemotherapy for almost nine sideration my hopes and fears for their bad, but because you don't trust him years, and the doctors were very posi future. I was very lucky. Hashem was enough to tell him. Besides that, in my tive. However, he did want to discuss it very good to me, and his fumily was very case a lot of people knew my history, and with his family. I was nervous, but I warm and receptive. I didn't want anybody in his family to hear didn't blame them for needing time to "My parents always made me feel that about it from somebody else, and think, go over it. I put myself in their place and anything was possible, and their emuna 'Why didn't her family say something? Is reflected that if my child wanted to gave me mine. I never thought that it something we should be worried marry somebody who had earlier con Hashem had made me go through my about?' tracted some rare disease and I did not experiences to force me to struggle for "My husband is an EMT, and he know what its future effects were, I years to find a shidduch. He did it knows a lot about medicine. When I would be worried too. And if I were as because He had something special in told him, he said that it was not a prob- close with my children as I am with my mind. My husband is a wonderful person, and I thank Hashem everyday that I have somebody like him:' Tova's advice to others in the situ ation she faced demonstrates the emuna and bitachon that typify these survivors: "I think that young adults Finally. who have overcome their illnesses and are faced with prejudices, bnt now kas Hamazon need shidduchim, should hang in there, because we're all very special to in a format Hashem. I think that He has wonder ful things planned for us, no matter how hard it may see1n at times. There is a purpose for everything and if you truly believe that, it makes things a lot easier. "If you tell the shadchan your medical hei Shoshanim's history and he's not interested in finding somebody for you, it's not the end of the Pictorial Series world. There are plenty of people out kes "bentching" there who would be happy to have such a special person as you. You don't have to with Kavanah settle. There is nothing wrong with you. into an easy, And the truth is that people really do care ttainable goal. about the person you are, what's inside. Don't give up. That's all that counts, and never settle. We're not second best, so why should we get it?" Our generation is indeed blessed, l.-1''-"'-"-'~ 0 ~...... ,....~~~ and the beautiful kindness of Hashem is evident in the reprieve He has given to to order, call n2.J70.JJ44 or fax to &n-PIRCHEI those who looked over the abyss, and now walk among us in the form of young peo OtherTl11es in aeHES CHAYIL IGGERES HAAAM&AN ...... ple who have wonderful lives to anticipate. This Series Include: TAHARAS HALOSHON A5HMfrrAH~ Perhaps it is time for us to put some of our trust in Hashem and, having checked www.shemayisrael.com email: [email protected] appropriately, leave the rest to the Eibishter. • 36 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 Ariella Davidson he history of the world is often years passed, and then four, and then ple who are not parents? Infertility divided by its professional prac seven. And the cake stayed perfect. Bride becomes the baby, the catalyst that Ttitioners into Ages: the Middle and groom, frozen in endless, glossy affects and colors and challenges and Ages, the Age of Exploration, the Age of adulthood, with nary a runny nose or changes every couple to whom it is born. Industry, the Age of Democracy. If, as dirty diaper in sight. political theorist Francis Fukuyama Many couples experience difficulties OBSESSIVE OR OVER-REACTING? posits, we have reached the End of His of one sort or another as their marriages tory, if all the great deeds have been leaf through the winter 2000 issue done, and all the heroic epics written, of A T.l.M.E., and come upon the our technocratic, clerical time might be I following in "Daunting Dilemmas," dubbed the Age of Acronym. an advice column: Deerstalkers have the NRA, seven When I try to discuss our infertility footers the NBA, Golden Agers the with my very understanding and caring AARP, witch-hunters the IRS; there's husband, he gets upset and tells me to stop CNN for news junkies, JFK for con obsessing about it. I think he is underre spiracy theorists or aviation buffs, acting; he thinks that I am overreacting. WWW for web surfers. I can't think rationally about how to han And so, like 1nost Americans, I, too, dle this because it is a male factor prob belong to a special-interest group. We lem. Perhaps subconsciously I resent it. have our issues, our particular focus, and How can we discuss this constructively a magazine that gives us our very own without either one of us becoming upset? acronym: A T.l.M.E. Boy, does this question pack a punch. Never heard of it? Probably not. She hits all the buttons: obsessive think That's because many of you are bustling, ing, different styles of communication, busy mothers and fathers. A T.l.M.E. fear of rejection, questions in emuna, the stands for A Torah Infertility Medium of ubiquitous Jewish disease of guilt. Exchange. 1 It's a magazine, with an atten I'm not much of an astronomer, but dant website, created for the purpose of one of the first lessons I learned, early on, allowing those suffering the searing was that Men are from Mars, and pain of infertility in the hyper-fertile Women are indeed from Venus. What my Orthodox world to air their concerns, progress, whether it be illness of a fam husband sees as obsessive rehashing discuss their fears, share words of ily member, financial concerns, or prob with my friend of my experiences that encouragement, and exchange all sorts lems in child-raising. The problem rears morning at the doctor, I see as therapeutic of information, medical and halachic. its head, it is dealt with and resolved in and cathartic. A number of times he's one way or another, and they move on. expressed the concern that my constant IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY But Hashem handed the A T.I.M.E. discussion of infertility with this friend crowd a very unique sort of challenge. is only drawing me deeper into the coils We all had our dream weddings, the For those of us in the infertility com of depression. I counter that she is my prefect bride and groom on the three munity, this is not a test that builds up escape valve, that without her shoulder tier cake. And then, if our society was to a point of crisis, and then reaches res to lean on, I would be infinitely lonelier any indicator at all, the next step was olution. It's more like Chinese water tor and sadder. And who does he talk to? He producing five or eight or ten or twen ture: drip, drip, drip, the unremitting just doesn't have the same need. When ty-five kids sometime in the span of the pressure of the same thing happening. sadness overwhelms him, he seeks out next three years. Along the way, the cake It questions the fundamental assump 1 This is an organization that supports and edu would get destroyed, of course, but that tions upon which our identities rest. cates those in the Jev.rish community experienc was just part of the fun. Who a1n I, when that basic cornerstone ing infertility by offering a telephone helpline, But a strange thing happened. Two of my being, my physical body, does not peer support network, support groups, educa tional symposia and the A 1~1.M.E. Reader. Con Ariella Davidson is a freelance writer living in play its appointed role, and make me a tact A T.I.M.E. directly at (718) 686-8912 or web the New York area. father or mother? Who are we, this cou- site www.atime.org. ------·------·------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 37 dear friends whose company he enjoys, 1nazal tov. My Venusian response, on the not fully a woman ... I'm less than a man. but the conversation centers on the other hand, to news of a new birth on Resentment. In the vast majority of yeshivish equivalent of the Super Bowl planet Earth, is more likely to be a shoe instances, it is the wife who has to bear and the World Series (what masechta, thrown at the nearest window, along with the brunt of treatment. Shots, pills, inva what daf, what chavrusa, what's the a flood of tears. Of course, it doesn't help sive procedures - all exacerbated by the "reyd;' etc.). Heaven forfend that it that my body is a veritable factory of pre-rooster hours at which these proce should get any more personal than that. mood-altering hormones, the produc dures often take place (to allow working In the same vein, my Mars-dwelling tion of which is often enhanced and people to get on with their day)- are gen husband has often amazed me with his augmented by powerful fertility drugs. erally her burden. It's not fair, many ability to rejoice in the simchos of other. women find themselves thinking. All he I can see that he really means it when he RAVINGS OF A HUMAN PIN CUSHION has to do is hold my hand and look sym seeks out a new father, gives him a hearty pathetic, while I've become a hormone handshake, and wishes him a sincere t is a common misconception that the crazed human pincushion. source of fertility problems lies in the I female half of the equation. Research FROM ALIENATION TO CONNECTION niltl ni?VJY.l indicates, however, that forces preventing SHALACHMANOT.COM conception are equally divided between d yet, with the passage of time, the men and women. And yet, all the research ery same experience that can (877) 258-2829 in the world does nothing to assuage the ienate so powerfully can also pro 1'"1"1l"IT.l? "ll!l::l feelings of guilt and resentment that vide incredible opportunities for con worm their way into an infertile marriage. nection; on one level, between husband Guilt. Completely illogical. It makes and wife, and on a deeper level, between absolutely no sense to assume blame for the couple and Hashem. ~" Invei something over which you have no con Because when all the howling is c:,,,,e, trol. However, early on in this game, those and the denial overcome, one begint:. [·o B~"c Hagefen of us lucky enough to have been chosen intuit that there must be more to this expe ~(fer as players learn that logic isn't on the game rience than banging heads against stone ~~l. ( The Shidduch service board. In the ever-seething emotional walls. The ticking of the dreaded biolog (1.,l for older singles cauldron of infertility, the partner diag ical clock infuses the phenomenon of time nosed with the problem often carries a with amazing clarity. One becomes (~ A project of N 'shei Agudath Israel with heavy weight around his or her heart. I've intensely cognizant of every passing day, Agudath Israel of America failed him ... I've jailed her. Ifshe were mar because every dawn is another chance at hope, every night shadowed with sadness. 6619 13th Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11219 ried to someone else, she'd be a mother. I'm Tel. (718) 256-7525 • Fax (718) 256. 7578 holding him back from being a father. And We are so aware, so intently aware, of our even more insidious, a fainter whisper: I'm limits, of our finiteness, of our power lessness. And that awareness brings in its wake a desire to grasp at the Infinite source Thinking of Moving for Jewish 6rowth Opportunities? of all power, the Father who loves even as He chastises, who caresses as He chal full Service Community lenges. Infertility forces us to hear that age •Healthy Job Market less question: Ma Hashem Elokecha sho'el •Affordable Housing me'imcha? VVhat does Hashem want 1ne •Nurturing Community to do with this? Who am l expected to •Learning Opportunities become? •Shomer Shabbos Medical Residencies And so we talk to Him, not only at Begin •Community Activities times of formal prayer, bnt throughout the day, through the constant cycles of hope fhirtkigg Total Torah Community and death. We learn humility, as we see the •Cheder •Bois Yakov ineffectiveness of man's 1nost strenuous Hitwauktt •Yeshiva Gedola •Kollel efforts. And inevitably, the mikdash me' at • Mlkveh • Eruv -the little sanctuary- that we carve out •Wisconsin School Tuition Vouchers for Hashem in onr hearts affects the bond for Qualifying Families between us as well. For we have become partners in rais lheJO!OhGominunll)"O! Rabbi Michel Twerski inviles your interests 1·800-226-3129 ing Infertility, this baby of ours. And in this 38 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 partnership, we must draw upon n1any of ing with someone who can put on his to listen; how to laugh together, how to the same resources that our friends who own oxygen 1nask, and go to the restroo1n feel each other's pain, not as the hurt of are parents use in the upbringing of their alone.) another person, but as the ache of the children. Emuna, patience, humbleness) Yamim Tovim, when families assem other half of ourselves. Together we have humor) an overriding sense of purpose ble, each sporting their latest addition, can grown, as spouses and as Jews. and mission. True, the nachas inay be a bit be extremely painful for us; but at least Ultimately, infertility has given both more elusive than that derived from a bar we can enjoy an afternoon nap undis of us our best friend. • mitzva boy saying his pshet~ or a daugh turbed, and learn something together ter starring in a school concert; but we can when we get up. (A sight that a niece VISITING NY? take great pride in being chosen for, and found somewhat disconcerting: "Tanta meeting, the challenge of this very unique Ariella, girls don't learn Torah!" Well, MIDWOOD sort of tzaar gidul banim. honey, this one does. And with rather a GUEST SUITES Ave. J, Brooklyn good rebbe, I might add.) 718-253-9535 THROUGH THE BACK DOOR We)ve learned how to talk, and how OF OUR MINDS ren1ernber when the sensation struck me, about five years into our How Can We Possibry Reach Out I n1arriage, of being in suspended ani mation. I looked around at our dear friends who had been at our wedding. to Millions ofAssimilated Many of the singles had married and begun families, and those with one or two Jewish Parents? kids now had four or five. And then there This is How! was us, Yehuda and Ariella, eternally the "young couple:' It seemed to me that I had my nose pressed up against the glass, gaz ing longingly into the tantalizing window of a shop I could not enter. And yet, if it's immortality that one "Well written and essential seeks through his children, by bequeath at this time. To Kindle a Soul ing to then1 the heritage of Sinai, it see1ns will be of inestimable value." to ine that there is indeed room for us in the shop. We just have to enter in -HaRav Shmuel Kamenctsky, Shlit''a through the back door of our minds and hearts, instead of by the front door of DNA. There is so such to be done - in "A gold mine of thought kiruv, in chinuch, in chessed - and we pos provoking research and gifted sess that 1nost precious of resources. We have the time to get involved. insights into successful child We also have time to enjoy each other, rearing." to travel and see the world, to have fun together. Incidentally, the experience of -HaRav Noach Orlowek, Shlit''a travel has often provided a few of the lighter moments of this trial. Because whenever we would board a plane, and see parents struggling with numerous off Available at Bookstores Everywhere spring, and even more pieces of luggage, shlepping crying babies, leaking toddlers, Haskamos from HaRav Yaakov Perlow) Shlit"a, HaRav Chanoch and whining kids through the narrow Ehrentreu, Shlit "a, and other Gedolei Torah available from the publisher. aisles, we would turn to each other and say, "Maybe this isn't so bad after all!" (Not A New Kiruv Tool from Targum/Feldheirn/Leviathan that we weren't yearning to be in some To Order Call 1-800-.538-4284 for1n of their situation, of course, but there is something to be said for travel- The Jewish Observer, January 2002 39 Rabbi Avi Shafran n September 11, filled words of Islamic fun like most Ameri damentalists. Then he went Ocans, we obser on to speak about "our own vant Orthodox Jews felt B1gotry for share of people who cur we had stared into the face rently in Israel are spreading of evil. And so it came as the venom of religious fun a rude surprise to realize Po11te Company damentalism," segueing over ensuing weeks that, at smoothly to and from Yigal least in the minds of The Intellectuals' Assault Amir and Boruch Gold some, we ourselves had stein to Haredi Jews like something in common on Observant Jews those who have opposed his with the Islamic terrorists efforts to change Israel's reli- who gleefully murdered thousands of gious status quo. innocents. Though several quotations the article A columnist for The New York Times attributed to his sermon were subse led the pack. International terrorism, quently claimed by the Cleveland Jewish Thomas L. Friedman wrote mere days News reporter herself to have been embel after the attacks on New York and lished or lifted from a separate interview, Washington, reflects a struggle not an examination of the transcript of the between civilizations or religions but speech (the Shabbos sermon, sadly, had "between those Muslims, Christians, been taped) confirmed that her article, Hindus, Buddhists and Jews with a carelessly written though it may have been, modern and progressive outlook and had nevertheless well captured the hnplied those with a medieval one." One could comparison. (The description and quote only imagine how Mr. Friedman might above are from the transcript.) judge an outlook that has been pre Veteran Forward columnist Leonard served for millennia. Fein (a cherished personal friend, as it Karen Armstrong, an ex-nun who happens, despite our disagreement on teaches at Leo Baeck College for the Study most everything besides the crucial of Judaisn1, expressed a similar conclusion importance of ahavas Yisroe0 would not Time Magazine. Every fundamentalist exclusively, is true, as "single-minded be left behind, either. Following the oth movement, she explained, "in Judaism, fanaticism." ers' lead, he rejected the characterization Christianity and Islan1 is convinced tl1at lib Then there was Boston Globe colum of the current international struggle as a eral, secular society is determined to wipe nist Ellen Goodman, who was "shaken" clash of civilizations, and called President out religion" and "fighting, as they imag by the sight of a Muslim man politely Bush's description of it as a war between ine, a battle for survival, fundamentalists refusing a woman's outstretched hand at good and evil, "fatuous:' often feel justified in ignoring the more a meeting (he explained that his religion Mr. Fein's reading? What we are wit compassionate principles of their faith:' didn't allow him to shake it) and as a result nessing is a "conflict of cultures;' to wit: Not to be upstaged, Mr. Friedman felt bemoaned the "ancient evil" of"religious the "culture of rationality" versus "the cul compelled to revisit his verdict in a sec fanaticism" (and, from there, the con ture of belief." Though the writer did not ond column several weeks later, this time temporary scourge of school choice). explicitly refer to his fellow Jews who hold leaving the Hindus and Buddhists alone deep and traditional religious beliefs, it is and focusing exclusively on his own co THE RABBI WEIGHS IN hard to imagine that he would (even as religionists. Religious Jews, he proposed, he loves us) exempt us from membership should "reinterpret" their faith "in a way n the meanwhile, Reform Rabbi Uri in the camp of rationality's enemies. that embrace [s] modernity" and that sub Regev, the then-director of his move scribes to a Creator who "speaks Arabic I ment's Israel Religious Action Center OF LOVE, FAITH AND YOGURT on Fridays, Hebrew on Saturdays and who has since heen tapped to lead the World Latin on Sundays:' He characterized the Union for Progressive Judaism, delivered a at the confident commenta alternative, the belief that one's religion, sermon that - likely, or at least hopefully, ors see1n intent on asserting is to his everlasting regret - was the subject W:that since the Taliban study reli Rabbi Shafran serves as Agudath Israel of Amer of a detailed report in the Cleveland Jewish gious texts and wear beards and shun ele ica's Director of Public Affairs and as the Amer· ican director of Am Echad, the Agudath Israel News. The Reform leader spent the first patt ments of Western society, all who do the inspired educational outreach effort and n1edia ofhis speech, made on Shabbos Shuva, mere same are perforce their brothers in evil. resource. days after September 11, quoth1g the hate- It might be called the "yogurt principle:' 40 The Jewish Observer;. January 2002 If Osama Bin-Laden eats yogurt, we Writing in December in the New York The principles and tenets to which must be wary of all who share his taste for Jewish Week, for example, a "Modern we "Jewish fundamentalists" are cultured milk. Orthodox" rabbi from Queens felt the committed are those of the Jewish To be sure, Mr. Bin-Laden doesn't need to make sure that the paper's read People's holy Torah, which places us invoke his breakfast habits as his inspira ers fully recognized the primitive and - as it has Jews over the generations tion to murder, maim and otherwise superstitious essence of Orthodox Jews less - on a path leading to spiritual refine- wreak havoc. But those who are quick to enlightened than himself. ment, not indoctrination of tens of bind all "fundamentalists" with the same thousands of children with venomous turban would do well to ponder the fact As examples of the "immaturity hatred or grooming martyrs to kill that every spouse-murderer on the plan and obscurantism, superstition and innocent as they blow themselves to et lays his or her actions on feelings oflove intolerance," he feels {(abound in the smithereens. (either for the deceased or for someone Orthodox community;' the rabbi cited The enemy we arise each morning else), and yet most people would not practices like checking one's mezuzos at prepared to engage in battle is not therefore brand love a crime. Faith, like times of travail, ascribing Jewish another religion or culture but rather wise, is not inherently implicated when national tragedy to the Jewish people's an entirely invisible, if formidable, foe, murder is co1nmitted in its name. Both sins and seeking to merit G-d's bless the yetzer horah. faith and love are powerful entities; ing by eschewing loshon horah. Anger and violence are things we indeed, they are hardly unrelated. What Leaving aside entirely the distasteful abhor, not cherish .. We do not oper makes either, in the end, laudable or des and profoundly unJewish nature of the ate explosives factories or fly airliners picable, though, is what is done with it. V\Titer's sneering tone and words (as well into skyscrapers. Our weapons in our as his astounding assertion in the same "holy war" of trying to be the best Jews AWNELY, LAUDABLE VOICE piece that most American Jews are we can be are not bombs, germs and alienated from their religious heritage rage but tefilla, mitzvos and mussar. happy exception to the parade of because of the beliefs or practices of Our shunning of elements of what pretentious pundits was Seth Lip those Orthodox Jews he detests - as he passes for contemporary culture these ky, a columnist for The Wall Street surely must know, the most successful days bespeaks not some frustrated fear Journa~ who characterized the words of kiruv efforts are those operated precise of modernity but rather a principled some of the more prominent personages ly by the very Jewish universe that so stand for morality and mentioned above as "glancing sneers." embarrasses him), his message to the G-dliness in human life. We seek to "What is one to make;' he asked his Jewish Week's readers is clear: Those present a moral model to the larger readers, "of all this carping about Jewish Orthodox Jews who actually take things world, and even to influence that world fundamentalism?" like mezuzahs and lashon hara serious at times, but with reason, wisdom and Quoting extensively from (and with ly are not sophisticated moderns like the example, not threats and worse. kind comments for) letters written by this rest of us. They, are, in other words, the And so, comparisons, blatant or writer and my esteemed colleague Chaim bad guys, the fundamentalists. implied, between religious Jews and Dovid Zwiebel and published in, The New That portrayal is sad in its own right, people of other faiths dedicated to vio York Times in response to the Friedman to be sure. Coming, though, on the heels lence, terror and world-conquest are columns, Mr. Lipsky concluded that "Jew of a campaign by others to paint those of not only deeply offensive, they are ish fundamentalism seeks neither materi us committed to the entirety of the Jewish deeply wrong. al success nor world domination but rather religious tradition as part of a conglomer Because we Jews, in the end, are fun- good deeds and the study of Torah" and ate of backward, sinister, faith-crazed damentally different. • that the efforts of Orthodox Jews "to spread fanatics, the rabbis words are not only the faith extend only to other Jews who offensive but pose potential danger to his may lack traditional Jewish educations." fellow Jews. He and others like him would Mr. Lipsky's, though, was a lonely voice in do well to pause to consider that the band a wilderness of religiophobes. wagon they are panting to catch and jump on may well carry nothing less than the MODERN MALIGNMENT contemporary equivalent of anti-Jewish accusations of other times and places. erhaps most depressing of all was the fact that the kulturkampf SOME FUNDAMENTAL FACTS Pagainst religious tradition was joined, late and feebly but offensively all he pundits and rabbinical critics the same, by a voice within the Orthodox need to face some fundamental world itself. Tfacts: The Jewish Observer, January 2002 41 INDEX TO ARTICLES THE JEWISH OBSERVER• VOL. XXXIV Nos. 1-10 SUBJECTS ing Disabilities: A Primer/Dr. Nasson Solomon, '01 Trials and Triumphs: Scenes from the Jour Apr. '01; The Link Between Problem Children ney Home/Debbie Maiman, J)ec. 'O I; Lifecycle &al TeshuvaTrials and Triumphs: Scenes from and Learning Disabilities/Dr. Judah Weller, Support for the Baal Teshuva Family/Rabbi Yakov the Journey Home/Debbie Maimon, l)ec. '01; Apr. 'Ol; Meeting Every Child's Need: It's Up to Horowitz, Dec. '01; Integration: Helping Baalei Lifecyde Support fur the Baal Teshuva Family/Rabbi All of Us/Mrs. Leah Steinberg, Apr. 'OJ Teshuva Be Themselves/Rabbi Ben Tzion Kokis, Yakov Horowitz, Dec. 'Ol; Integration: Helping Conservative Judaism "Why Get Them Dec. '01 Baalei Teshuva Be Themselves/Rabbi Ben Tzion Upset?"/Rabbi Avi Shafran, Apr. 'O I; Letters, Nov. Halacha (Torah Law} Short, But How Kokis, Dec. '01 'OJ Sweet?/Rabbi Matis Blum, Jan. '01; Quality of Books in Reviews The Last Frontier/Rabbi Emuna (Faith) The Jewish Art of Faith/Pnuel Life/Rabbi Yoe! Chonon Wenger, Apr. 'O 1; Now Moshe Eisemann, Jan. '01; Gaining an Under Peri, Dec. 'O l; Tefilla and Emuna/Rabbi Pinchas You Say It, Now You Don't/Rabbi Yitzchok standing of Rav Dessler/Rabbi Joseph Elias, Jan. Jung, Dec. '01 Berkowitz, June '01; When Someone's Life is in '01; Middos Instruction: Prerequisite for Ethics The Kiddush Hashem Your Hands/Dr.Judith Mishell, June '01, Ona' as Torah/Rabbi Shimon Finkeln1an, Mar. '01; Imperative/Yonason Rosenblum, Jan. 'Ol;Avoid Devarim: The Great Threat to Shalom Harav Yaakov Kamenetzky: His Life and Teach ing a Two-Fold Tragedy/Rabbi Nissan Wolpin, Bayis!Rabbi Avrohom Pam, June '01 ings/Jeff Bloom, Mar. 'OJ; The Tzedakah Trea Feb. 'O I; A Call for Honesty and Integrity/Rabbi Hashkafa (Torah Philosophy) The Kiddush sury/Rabbi Labish Becker, Apr. 'O I; The Story of Avrohom Pain, Feb. '01; A Tin1e to (;row ... And Hashem linperative/Yonason Rosenblum, Jan. '01; One Man's Voyage Home/Rabbi Yaakov Feitman, Improve our Ethical Status/Rabbi Yaakov Per Letters, Jan. 'O 1; Avoiding a Two-Fold May 'O 1; Yoreh Binah on Issur V'hetter: Concepts low, Feb. '01; Acts of Kuidush Hashem: Like Incense Tragedy/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Feb. 'QI; A Call ofKashrus/Mosbe Schapiro, May 'O 1; The Inner Before the Aln1ighty/Rabbi Elya Svei, Feb. '01; for Honesty and Integrity/Rabbi Avrohom Circle: Seven Gates to Marriage/Denise Karasick, Now You Say It, Now You Don't/Rabbi Yitzchok Pam, f'eb. 'Ol;A Time to Grow ... And Improve June 'O l; Dear Daughter/Devorah Biser, June 'O l; Berkowitz, June '01; \Vhen Someone's Life is in our Ethical Status/Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Feb. 'O 1; The Gift For Life/Rabbi Labish Becker, Sept. 'O I; Your Hands/Dr. Judith Mishell, June '01 Acts of Kiddush Hashe1n: Like Incense Before the The Eternal Thread/Sheindel Weinbach, Nov. 'O l; Feminisn1 Speaking Up For the Wall/Miri Almighty/Rabbi Elya Svei, Feb. 'OJ; On Talking Builders: Stories and Insights/Hillel Goldberg, am Zakon, Feb. 'Ol and Transmissions/Rabbi Yaakov Rosenblatt, Mar. Nov.' Festivals and Fast Days Baths, Bullies and Bar '01; Our Youth as Spokesmen for Torah/Rabbi Children The Strange Magic of Harry Pot ley (Purim)/Rabbi Yechiel Spero, Feb. '01; From Ari M. Zaidoff, Mar. 'O 1; From Slavery to Free· ter- Is it Really Harmless? (SL)/Batia Warhaftig, Slavery to Freedom ... From Darkness to Great 42 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 Strength/Rabbi Yisroel Simcha Schorr, Oct. '01; Jews in Israel Reh Shi1nshon's Truth/l)ebbie Marriage From Shidduchin1 through Bayis Insights from the Septe1nber l l th Shapiro, May '01; They Called it Petach Ne'eman BeYisroel: Introduction/Rabbi Nissen Tragedies/Rabbi Ephrain1 Wachsn1an, Oct. '01; Tikva/Moshe Schapiro, May 'O 1; A Pretty Penny Wolpin, June 'O 1; Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon on "Ki Nafalti Kamti - Because J Fall, I Shall For Pear-Picking, A Bargain for the ShidduchimandMarriage (interview)/Rabbi Nis Arise"/Rabbi Jeremy Kagan, Nov. '01; More Than Lesson!/Genendel Krohn, Sept. '01; Ganz "Zoo" son VVolpin, June 'O l; Now You Say It, Now You Skin J)eep/Yaakov Asher Sinclair, Nov. '01; The LeTovah/Rabbi Nosson Slifkin, Nov. '01; Kiddush Don't/Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz, June 'O 1; A Jewish Art ofFaith/Pnuel Peri, Dec. '01; Tefilla Hashen1? That's Easy!/Debby Friedman,Dec. '01 Won1an of Valor/Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, June 'OJ; and E1nuna/Rabbi Pinchos Jung, Dec. 'O 1 Jews in USA Rabbi Yaakov Moshe Kulefsky Ona' as Devarim: The Great Threat to Shalom Health Welcome to ()ur Simcha! The Seri i,··:n/Rabbi Nissan Wolpin, Jan. '01; Bidding My BayislRabbi Avrohom Pam, June 'OJ; Shalom Bayis. ous Effects of Excessive Amplification at Pub Rebbe Farewell/Rabbi Yissacher Frand, Jan. 'OJ; The Need for Fonnal Hadracha/Rabbi lic Events/Rabbi Jeff Forsythe, Sept. '01 Ren1embering Rabbi Kulefsky'7'':n/Rabbi Eliez Mordechai Biser, June '01; Bein !sh fish to: Improv Integrity Avoiding a Two-Fold er Gross, Jan. '01; "Dear Rebbetzin Kulef ing Marital Communication/Dr. Rashi Shapiro Tragedy/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Feb. '01; A Call sky"/Rabbi Dovid Kapenstein, Jan. '01; Remem and Dr. Meir Wikler, June '01; Trials and Triwnphs: for Honesty and Integrity/Rabbi Avrohom bering Rabbi Mordechai Gifter '7~: A Melamed Scenes from the Journey Home/Debbie Maiman, Pam, Feb. '01; A Time to Grow ... And Improve For All Times/Rabbi Avrohom Chaim Feurer, Mar. Dec. '01 our Ethical Status/Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Feb. 'O 1 '01; Drawing Lines in the Sky/Eytan Kobre, Sept. Middos Middos Instruction: Prerequisite Interpersonal Dealings Things to Say and Not '01; Remembering Rabbi Avigdor Miller for Torah/Rabbi Shimon Finkelman, Mar. '01 Say to Your Presently Unmarried '7'~/Rabbi Slunuel Brog, Nov. 'Ol;An Unasswning Miller,RabbiAvidgor?'':n Noted in Sorrow Neighbor/Tzivia Ehrlich-Klein, Feb. 'OI; Ona'as Giant: RabbiAvrohom Pam '7.,:n/Rabbi Nosson Rabbi Avigdor Miller ?"::it/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Devarim: The Great Threat to Shalo1n Scherman, Dec. 'O l ; Rabbi Avroho1n Pam '7":n; Apr. '01; Remembering Rabbi Avigdor Miller Bayis!Rabbi Avrohom Pam, June '01 A Rebbe For Our Generation/Rabbi Yisroel Reis ?"::it/Rabbi Shmuel Brog, Nov, 'OI; Oz V'Chedva Interviews Rabbi Shmuel Kameneczky on Spe man, Dec. '01; Rabbi Avrohom Pam '7"'.:il' (side Bimkomo (Rabbi Avigdor Miller)/ Avrohom Birn cial Education/Rabbi Nissan Wolpin, April 'O I; bar)/Rabbi Dov Machlis, Dec. 'OI; Rabbi Avro baum, Nov. 'Ol;The LegacyofRabbiAvidgor Miller Matisyahu Salomon on Shidduchim and Mar hom Pam ?"::it (sidebar )/Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, 1,:i·:n/Avrohom Birnbaum, Nov. '01 riage /Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, June '01 Dec. 'OJ; Rabbi Avrohom Pam ?"::it (side Mitzva Observance Dateline 5761: Promoting Israel Letter From Jerusalen1/Leah Oriel, Jan. bar)/Rabbi Yosef Chaim Golding, Dec. 'O I; Rabbi Shmitta Observance/Rabbi Avraham Tzvi Rash '01 Avrohom Pam ?'':n (sidebar)/Nachum Gold, Dec. gold, Feb. '01; The Renewal of Shmitta Obser Israel: Children A Heartwarming Experience '01 vance in Modem Times/Avrohom Birnbaum, Apr. With Israeli "Kids at Risk"/Gitty Krauss, Mar. '01 Journalism "Why Get Them Upset?"/Rabbi 'O 1; They Called it Petach Tikva/Moshe Schapiro, Israel: History 1be Renewal of Shmitta Obser Avi Shafran, Apr. '01 May 'O 1; Now You Say It, Now You Don't/Rabbi vance in Modern Times/ Avrohom Birnbaum, Apr. Kiddush Hashem Avoiding a Two-Fold Yitzchok Berkowitz, June 'O I; When Someone's 'O I; They Called it Peta ch Tikva/Moshe Schapiro, Tragedy/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Feb. '01; A Call Life is in Your Hands/Dr. Judith Mishell, June May '01 for Honesty and Integrity/Rabbi Avrohom 'O I; A Pretty Penny For Pear-Picking, A Bargain Israel: Politics Speaking Up For the Pam, Feb. 'Ol;A Time to Grow ... And Improve for the Lesson!/Genendel Krohn, Sept. 'DI; Draw Wall/Miriam Zakon, Feb. 'O 1 our Ethical Status/Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Feb. 'O l; ing lines in the Sky/Eytan Kobre, Sept. '01; Tejilla Israel: Religion One Destination, Two Very Acts of Kiddush Hashem: Like Incense Before the and Ernuna/Rabbi Pinchos Jung, Dec. '01 Different Paths/Moshe Schapiro, Jan. 'O 1; Date Almighty/Rabbi Elya Svei, Feb. 'OJ Music Welcome to Our Simcha!/Rabbi Jeff line 5761: Promoting Shmitta Observance/Rabbi KiruvOne Destination, Two Very Different Forsythe, Sept. '01 Avraham Tzvi Rashgold, Feb. '01; Speaking Up Paths/Moshe Schapiro, Jan. '01; "Why Get Narrative The "Potch"/Pnuel Peri, Jan. '01; For the Wall/Miriam Zakon, Feb. '01; The Renew Them Upset?"/RabbiAvi Shafran, Apr. '01; Jour "Abba, Abbd' /Don Mishell, Jan. 'O l; "Hakadosh al of Shmitta Observance in Modern ney into the Russian Darkness/Raymond J. Beyda, Baruch Hu Is Not Going to Leave You"/Sarah Times/Avrohon1 Birnbaum, Apr. '01 Apr. '01; Garn "Zoo" LeTovah/Rabbi Nosson Slifkin, Shapiro, Feb. '01; When Life Gains New Mean Israel: Security" Hakadosh Baruch Hu Is Not Nov. '01; Kiddush Hashem? That's Easy!/Debby ing/Debbie Shapiro, Feb. 'O l; A Pretty Penny For Going to Leave You"/Sarah Shapiro, Feb. '01; The Friedman, Dec. 'O 1 Pear~ Picking, A Bargain for the Lesson!/Genen Crisis is Real. The Resolution is Ours./Rabbi Kulefsky, Rabbi Yaakov Moshe '""' Rabbi del Krohn, Sept. '01; The Missed Shimshon Pinkus 7'Yl', May 'O l; Divine Messages, Yaakov Moshe Kulefsky ?":::ll/Rabbi Nissan Diagnosis/Cbaim Issac, Nov. '01; Garn ''Zoo" Le To Hu1nan Responses/Rabbi Eliyahu Meir Klugman, Wolpin, Jan, '01; Bidding My Rebbe vah/Rabbi Nosson Slifkin, Nov. '01; Kiddush Sept. 'OJ; The Day the World Changed Forev Farewell/Rabbi Yissacher Frand, Jan. '01; Hashe1n? That's Easy!/ Debby Friedman, Dec. 'O l er/Yonason Rosenblum, Oct. '01; "Ki Nafalti Kam ti Re1ne1nbering Rabbi Kulefsky'7''::it/Rabbi Eliez Noted in Sorrow Noted in Sorrow - Rabbi -Because I Fall, I Shall Arise" /Rabbi Jeremy Kagan, er Gross, Jan. '01; "Dear Rebbetzin Kulef Avigdor Miller ?'"Yr/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Apr. Nov. 'OI sky"/Rabbi Dovid Kapenstein, Jan. 'OI 'O I; Noted in Sorrow - Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Jews in Europe Four IJays in Poland/Miri Lashon Hara Now You Say It, Now You Pinkus ?''Yr/Rabbi Nissan Wolpin, Apr. '01; Noted am Zak on, May 'O I Don't/Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz, June 'Ol; in Sorrow - Rabbi Aharon Soloveitchik Jews in Former USSR Journey into the Russ When Someone's Life is in Your Hands/Dr. Judith ?"::rr/Rabbi Nissen Wolpin, Oct '01 ian Darkness/Raymond J. Beyda, Apr. '01 Mishell, June '01 Pam, Rabbi Avrohom ?"::it An Unassuming ---·--··------·------··--··---··---·------·------The Jewish Observer, January 2002 43 Giant: Rabbi Avrohom Pam 7.,YT/Rabbi Nosson Sarah Schenirer Four Days in Poland/Miri to Say and Not Say to Your Presently Unmar Scherman, Dec. 'O 1; Rabbi Avrohom Pam 7"YT: an1 Zakon, May '01 ried Neighbor!fzivia Ehrlich-Klein, Feb. 'OI; Voice A Rebbe For Our Generation/Rabbi Yisroel Reis Secular Education Secular Studies: A Crisis From the Fringe, and Beyond ... Coming Back man, Dec. '01; (sidebar}/Rabbi Dov Machlis, Dec. Within Our Schools/Richard Altabe, Sept. '01 Again/ Anonymous, Mar. 'O 1; The Strange Magic 'Ol; (sidebar)/Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, Dec. '01; September l l 1h In the Aftermath ... Editor of Harry Potter - Is it Really Harmless? (sidebar )/Rabbi Yosef Chaim Golding, Dec. 'O 1; ial Introduction/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, ()ct. 'O 1; (SL)/Batia Warhaftig,Apr. '01; Reader's Forum, (sidebar)/Nachum Gold, Dec. '01 Reflections the Morning After/Dr. Aaron Twer May 'O 1; Understanding Limitations/Aaron D. Parental Guidance A Compelling Mission for ski, Oct. '01; Living Through Challenging, Twerski, June '01; From a Shadchan's Perspec Special Parents/Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Apr. 'O 1; Awesome Days/Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, ()ct. '01; tive/Rabbi Zvi Schachtel, June '01; l)rawing Lines Le'Torah, Le'chupa U'le'1na'asi1n Tovim!Shaya A Message on the Wings of an Eagle/Rabbi in the Sky/Eytan Kobre, Sept. '01; Living Ostrov, June 'O l Matisyahu Salomon, Oct. 'O I; Coming to Terms Through Oiallenging,Awesome Days/RabbiTuakov Personalities Rabbi Yaakov Moshe Kulefsky with the Trade Center Tragedy/Rabbi Levi Yitz Perlow, Oct. 'O I; Reader's Forum, Oct. 'O 1; More 7"::n/Rabbi Nissan Wolpin, Jan. '01; Bidding My chok Horowitz, Oct. '01; An Agenda for Than Skin Deep/Yaakov Asher Sinclair, Nov. 'O 1; Rebbe Farewell/Rabbi Yissacher Frand, Jan. '01; Strength/Rabbi Yisroel Sim cha Schorr, Oct. 'O 1; We Wish You a Merry ... Chanuka?/Chani Remembering Rabbi Kulefsky7'Yt/Rabbi Eliez The Day the World Changed Forever/Yonason Aftergut Kurtz, Nov. 'O 1 er Gross, Jan. '01; "Dear Rebbetzin Kulef Rosenblum, Oct. '01; Insights from the September Soloveitchik, Rabbi Aharon n Noted in Sor sky"/Rabbi Dovid Kapenstein, Jan. '01; Rabbi 11th Tragedies/Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman, Oct. row- Rabbi Aharon Soloveitchik 7'Yl'/Rabbi Nis Mordechai Gifter ?"Yr/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Feb. '01; "Ki Nafalti Kamti - Because I Fall, I Shall san Wolpin, Oct. 'O l '01; Remembering Rabbi Mordechai Gifter Arise"/Rabbi Jeremy Kagan, Nov. '01; When Trau Stammering On Talking and Transmis 7~::n: A Melamed For All Times/Rabbi Avrohom ma Threatens/Dr. Jacob Mermelstein, Nov. 'O 1 sions/Rabbi Yaakov Rosenblatt, Mar. 'O l Chaim Feurer, Mar. 'O I; Reb Shimshon's Shalom Bayis Ona'as Devarim: The Great Tefilla Short, But How Sweet?/Rabbi Matis Truth/Debbie Shapiro, May '01; Noted in Sor Threat to Shalon1 Bayis/Rabbi Avrohom Pam, Blum, Jan. '01; The Silence Revolution~ One Man's row-Rabbi Aharon Soloveitchik 7"Yt/Rabbi Nis June 'O 1; Shalo1n Bayis: The Need for Formal Initiative (SL)/RabbiPinchos Jung, Jan. 'Ol;"Abba san Wolpin, Oct. 'O 1; Remembering Rabbi Avig Hadracha/Rabbi Mordechai Biser, June '01; Bein Abba"!Don Mishell, Jan. '01; You Can Cl",2nge dor Miller 7'-::n/Rabbi Shmuel Brog, Nov. 'O l; Oz Ish L'ishtcr. Improving Marital Communication/Dr. the Way You Daven/Rabbi Pinchas Jung, Sept. V'Chedva Bimkomo (Rabbi Avigdor Rashi Shapiro and Dr. Meir Wikler, June 'QI 'O l; The Missed l)iagnosis/Challn Issac, Nov. '01; Miller)/Avrohom Birnbaum, Nov. '01; The Shidduchim From Shidduchim through Tefilla and Emuna/Rabbi Pinchos Jung, Dec. 'O l Legacy of Rabbi Avidgor Miller ?;;r/Avrohom Bayis Ne'eman Be Yisroet Introduction/Rabbi Nis Terrorism "Hakadosh Baruch Hu Is Not Going Birnbaum, Nov. 'Ol;An Unassuming Giant: Rabbi son Wolpin, June 'Ol; Shidduchim: Where to Leave You"/Sarah Shapiro, Feb. '01; Divine Mes Avrohom Pam n!Rabbi Nosson Scherman, Dec. Heaven and Earth Meet/Rabbi Matisyahu sages, Human Responses/Rabbi Eliyahu Meir Klug- 'O l; Rabbi Avrohom Pam 7~Yr: A Rebbe For Our Salomon, June '01; Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon 1nan, Sept. 'O l Generation/Rabbi Yisroel Reisn1an, Dec. '01; Rabbi on Shidduchini and Marriage (interview )/Rabbi Translation and Adaptation A Call for Avrohom Pam 7'Yt (sidebar)/Rabbi DovMach Nisson Wolpin, June '01; Now You Say It, Now Honesty and Integrity/Rabbi Avrohom Pam, Feb. lis, Dec. '01; Rabbi Avrohom Pam 7"YT (side You Don't/Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz, June 'Ol; '01; Shidduchim: Where Heaven and Earth bar)/RabbiYakov Horowitz, Dec. '01; RabbiAvro When Someone's Life is in Your }lands/Dr. Judith Meet/Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon, June '01; A hom Pam 7~::n (sidebar)/Rabbi Yosef Chaim Mishell, June '01; Understanding Limita Woman of Valor/Rabbi SWomo Wolbe, trans Gokling, Dec. '01; Rabbi Avrohom Pam 7""Yr (side tions/Aaron D. Twerski,June '01; From a Shad lated by Pnuel Peri, June 'O 1; Ona' as Devarim: bar )/Nachum Gold, Dec. '01 chan's Perspective/Rabbi Zvi Schachtel, June 'O 1 The Great Threat to Shalom Bayis!Rabbi Avro Pinkus, Rabbi Shimshon ?HY? Noted in Sor Shmitta Dateline 5761: Promoting Shmitta hom Pam, June 'O I row- Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Pinkus ':r'Yt/Rabbi Observance/Rabbi Avraham Tzvi Rashgold, Travel Four Days in Poland/Miriam Zakon, Nisson Wolpin, Apr. 'OI; Reb Shimshon's Feb. '01; The Renewal of Shmitta Observance in May '01 Truth/Debbie Shapiro, May '01 Modem Times/ Avrohom Birnbaum, Apr. '01; They Tzeddaka The Tzedakah Treasury Political Analysis The l)ay the World Called it Petach Tikva/Moshe Schapiro, May '01; (review)/Rabbi Labish Becker, Apr. '01; The Gift Changed Forever/Yonason Rosenblum, Oct. '01 A Pretty Penny For Pear-Picking, A Bargain for For Life (review)/Rabbi Labish Becker, Sept. 'O I .. Public Information "Why Get Them the Lesson!/Genendel Krohn, Sept. '01 Weddings The Best of Times or the Worst Upset?"/Rabbi Avi Shafran, Apr. '01 Singles From a Shadchan's Perspective/Rabbi ofTimes?/Shia Markowitz, June '01; Welcome Quality of Life Quality of Life/Rabbi Yoe! Zvi Schachtel, June '01; A Prisoner in Cinderel to Our Simcha!/Rabbi Jeff Forsythe, Sept. 'O 1 Chonon Wenger, Apr. 'O 1 la's Castle/Anonymous, June '01; Le'Torah, Yeshivas Rabbi Yaakov Moshe Kulefsky Reflections Swan Lake Contemplations Le'chupa U'le'ma'asim Tovim!Shaya Ostrov, ?»Yr/Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Jan. 'O I; Bidding My (SL)/Rabbi Yaakov Luban, May '01 June '01; Time to Move On/Dr. Yaak.ov Salomon, Rebbe Farewell/Rabbi Yissacher Fr and, Jan. 'O l; Review Article Middos Instruction: Prereq June '01 Remembering Rabbi Kulefsky7WYT/Rabbi Eliez uisite for Torah/Rabbi Shimon Finkelman, Social Comment The Kiddush Hashen1 er Gross, Jan. '01; "Dear Rebbetzin Kulef Mar. 'O I; The Strange Magic of Harry Potter - Imperative/Yonason Rosenblum, Jan. 'Ol sky"/Rabbi David Kapenstein, Jan. 'O 1; Reme1n~ Is it Really Harmless? (SL)/Batia Warhaftig,Apr. The Silence Revolution - One Man's Initia bering Rabbi Mordechai Gift er 7"Yt: A Mela1ned '01 tive (SL)/Rabbi Pinchos Jung, Jan. '01; Things For All Times/RabbiAvrohom Chaim Feurer, Mar. 44 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 '01; The Next Chinuch Frontier: Helping Chil Bloom, Jeff review of Harav Yaakov E111una, [)ec. 'O l dren With Learning Disabilities/Rabbi Nisson Kanicnctzky: His Life and Teachings, March '01 Kagan, Jeremy Ki Nafalti Kan1ti: A Story of Wolpin, Apr. 'OI; Children With Learning Dis Blum, Rabbi Matis Short, But H.ow Sweet?: Two TOwcrs, Nov. 'O 1 abilities/Rabbi Shnnid Kan1enetzky,Apr. '01; Ris The Use and Abuse of the Hoicha Kedusha, Jan. Kamenetzky, Rabbi Shmuel Interview (Spe ing to the Challenge of Educating All ()ur Stu 'O 1; (translator and adapter) Ona'as Devarhn: The cial Education), April '01 dents/Rabbi Chain1 Aaron Weinberg, Apr. '01; c;reat Threat to Shalo1n Bayis ~based on tapes Kapenstein, Rabbi Dovid "Dear Mrs. Kulef Rootn For Success/Mirimn Kulik, Apr. '01; Meet by Rabbi Avrahan1 Pam, June 'OJ sky;' Jan. '01 ing Every Child's Need: It's Up to All of Us/Mrs. Brody, Rabbi Aaron The Fifth Child: The Oiild Karasick, Mrs. Denise review of The Seven Leah Steinberg, Apr. 'OJ; Secular Studies: A Cri Who Stopped Asking: A Layman's Guide to Kiruv Gates, by Shaya Ostrov, June 'OJ sis Within ()ur Schools/Richard Alta be, Sept. 'O 1; Kerovi111, March 'O 1 Klugman, Rabbi Elya Meir IJivine Messages, Reviewing This Year's School Calendar/Rabbi Brog, Rabbi Shmuel Remembering R.:'lbbi Avig liuman Responses, Sept. '01 Naftoli Hertz Rasch, Sept. '01; The Citl For dor Miller ?··:il', Nov. 'OJ Kobre, Eytan Drawing Lines in the Sky, Sept. Life/Rabbi La.bish Recker, Sept. 'O I; An Ur:Jssrnning Ehrlich Klein, Mrs. Tzivia Things to Say and '01 Giant: Rabbi Avrohon1 Pam ?·~/Rabbi Nossnn Not S;1y to Your Presently Unmarried Neighbor, Kokis, Rabbi Ben Tzion Integration: Help Schcnnan, Dec. '01; Rabbi Avrohon1 Pdnl '7'Yr: !;ch. '01 ing Baalei Teshuva Be Themselves, Dec. '01 A Rcbbc For ()ur Generation/Rabbi Yisroel Rc:iY Eiscman11, Rabbi tvloshc review of Inner Peace: Krauss, Gitty A Heartwarming Experience man, Dec. 'OJ; Rabbi Avroho1n Pain ?"Yr C·;idc ,\chicving Sci{ Estcc111 Through Prayer, Jan. '01 with Israeli "Kids at Risk;' March '01 bar)/Rabbi l)ov Machlis, Dec. 'OJ; Rabbi Avro Elias, Rabbi Joseph review of Rav [)essler, Jan. Krohn, Genendel A Pretty Penny for Pear hom Pam ?-::n (sidebar )/Rabbi Yakov J--loro\vitz, 'OJ Picking: A Bargain for the Lesson ( Sh1nitta), Sept. Dec. '01; Rabbi Avrohom Pan1 ?"~? (sidc Feitman, Rabbi Yaakov review of Fron1 '01 bar)/Rabbi Yosef Chaim Golding, J)ec. '01; Rabbi Cc11tral Park to Sinai: Ho1-v I Found My Jewish Kulik, Miriam Room For Success, April 'O I Avrohotn Pain n (sidebar)/Nachun1 (;old, Dec. Soul, by Roy S. Neuberger, May '01 Kurtz, Chani Aftergut We Wish You a '01 Feuer, Rabbi Avrohom Chaim Remember Merry ... Chanuka?, Nov. '01 Youth ()ur Youth as Spokcsn1en for ing Rabbi Mordechai (;ifter?"':il',A Mcla111ed for Levinson, Rabbi Yosef From Mourning Till Torah/Rabbi Ari M. Zaidoff, Mar. '01; Reader's All Tin1es, March '01 Dawn (Tisha B'Av), May '01 Forum, May '01; Reader's Forum, Oct. 'OJ Finkelman, Rabbi Shimon Middos Instruc Luban, Rabbi Yaakov Swan Lake, May 'O 1 tion: Prerequisite for Torah (review article), March Machlis, Rabbi Dov Rabbi Avraham Pam ?''YI '01 (sidebar), Dec. '01 AUTHORS Forsythe, Rabbi Jeff The Serious Effects of Maimon, Debbie Trials and Triu1nphs: Excessive Atnplification at Siinchos, Sept. '01 Scenes Fron1 the Journey Home, Dec. 'O l Altahe, Richard Secular Studies-A Crisis V\Tith Frand, Rabbi Yissacher Bidding My Rebbe Markowitz, Shia The Best of Times or The in Our Schools, Sept. '01 Farewell (Rabbi Kulctsky), Jan. '01 VVorst of Times?, June '01 Anonymous Voice From the Fringe ... Coin Friedman, Debby Kiddush Hashem? That's Mermelstein, Dr. Jacob -when Trauma ing Back Again, March 'O I; "Voice Fro1n the Fringe Easy!, Dec. 'OJ Threatens, Nov. '01 and Beyond ... ;' May 'Ol;A Prisoner in Cinderella's Gesser, YosefFmm Slavery to Freedom ... From Mish ell Don "Abba Abba;' Jan. 'O 1 Castle, June '01; Darkness to Great Light, March '01 Mishell, Dr. Judith \'\!hen Someone's Life is Basch, Rabbi Naftoli Hertz Revie\ving This Gibber, Rabbi Eliezer Re1ne1nbering Rabbi in Your Hands, June '01 Year's School C:alendar, Sept. '01 Kulefsky, Jan. '01 Oriel, Mrs. Leah "Dear Judy;' Jan. '01 Becker, Rabbi J...abish review of The Tzcdakah Gluck, Rabbi Slunuel Our Children, Our Atti Ostrov, Shaya "LeTorah, LeChupa U'le' Treasury by Rabbi Avrohon1 Chaim Feuer, tudes, March 'O l ma'asim Tovini" - A Parent's Perspective, June April 'OJ; review of The Gift For Life, Sept. '01 Gold, Rabbi Nachum Rabbi Avraham Pam '01 Berkowitz, Rabbi Yitzchok Novv You Say It, ?··:in (sidebar), Dec. '01 Pam, Rabbi Avrahan1 A Call for Honesty and Now You l)on't, June 'O l Goldberg, Hillel review of Builders: Stories Integrity Feb. '01; Ona'as Devarim: The Great Beyda, Raymond Journey into the Russian and Insights, Nov. 'OJ Threat to Shalo1n Bayis, June '01; l)arkncss, April 'O l Golding, Rabbi Yosef Chaim Rabbi Avrahatn Peri, Pnuel The Patch, Jan. '01; (translator and Birnbaum, Avrohom (translator and Pain ?"Yr (sidebar), l)ec. '01 adapter) A Woman of Valor: The Master Builder adapter) Dateline 5761: Pro1noting Shrnitta Obser Horowitz, Rabbi Levi Yitzchok Coining to of the Jewish Home, June '01; The Jewish Art vance Feb. '01; (translation and adaptation) The '!Crms with the Trade Center Tragedy, Oct. 'Ol of Faith, Dec. '01 RC11C\Val of Sh111ina Observance in Modem Times, Horowitz, Rabbi Yakov Rabbi Avraha1n Perlow, Rabbi Yaakov A Time to Grow ... and April '01; (translation and adaptation) Where Pan1 ?"::n (sidebar), Dec. 'OJ; Lifecydc Support Improve our Ethical Status Feb. '01; A Compelling Heaven and Earth Meet, June 'OJ; Rabbi A. Miller for the Baal Ti!shuva Family, l)ec. '01 Mission For Special Parents, April 'O 1; Respond (sidebars) Nov. 'O I Issac, Chaim The Missed Diagnosis, Nov. 'O I ing to the Messages of Recent Events, Oct. '01 Biser, Mrs. Devorah review of !)ear Daugh Jung, Rabbi Pinchos The Silent Revolution Pinkus, Rabbi Shimshon ?·~ (based on an ter, by Rabbi (;o!dschn1idt, June 'OJ ~ ()ne Man's Initiative (SL), Jan. '01; You Can address) The Crisis is Real. The Resolution is Ours., Biser, Rabbi Mordechai Shalon1 Bayis: The Change the Way You L)aven, Sept. 'O 1; Tefilla and May'Ol Need for Fonna! l-ladrncha, June '01 The Jewish Observer, January 2002 45 Rashgold, Rabbi Avraham Tzvi Dateline 576 l: Rosenblum, Yonason The Kiddush Hashem ing Marital Communication, June '01 Promoting Shmitta Observance Feb. 'O 1 Imperative, Jan. 'O 1; The Day the World Changed Shapiro, Mrs. Debbie VVhen Life Gains New Reisman, Rabbi Yisroel Rabbi Avraham Pam Forever, Oct. 'O l Meaning, Feb. '01; Reh Shimshon's Truth, May '01 i,~Yr: A Rebbe For Our Generation, Dec. '01 Salomon, Dr. Yaakov Time To Move On, June Shapiro, Mrs. Sara" HaKadosh Baruch Hu Is Rosenblatt, Rabbi Yaakov On Talking and '01 Not Going to Leave You": An interview with Mrs. Transmissions, March 'O 1 Salomon, Rabbi Matisyahu Shidduchim: Miriam Brovender, Feb. 'O 1 Rosenblum, Rabbi Matisyahu Approaching Where Iieaven and Earth Meet, June '01; Inter Sinclair, Yaakov Asher More Than Skin Deep, the Month of Av, May'Ol view, June '01; A Message on the Wings of an Nov. '01 Eagle, Oct. 'O l Slifkin, Rabbi Nosson Cam "Zoo" LeTovah, Schachtel, Rabbi Zvi From A Shadchan's Per Nov. 'QI HELP FOR PARENTS OF spective, June '01 Solomon, Dr. Nosson Learning Disabilities: TEENS IN CONFLICT Schapiro, Rabbi Moshe Israeli KiruvTrends: A Primer, April 'O 1 One Destination, Two Very Different Paths, Jan. Spero, Rabbi YechieJ Baths, Bullies and Bar M~~~ '01; review of Yoreh Binah, by Rabbi Daniel Yaakov ley (Purim), Feb. '01 ~ & FATHERS.. A,UOHEDSK SAVINO .ODS Travis, May '01; Peta ch Tikva and Shmitta, May '01 Steinberg, Mrs. Leah Meeting Every Child's Scherman, Rabbi Nosson An Unassuming Needs, April 'O I TEL: 718-758-0400 Giant: RabbiAvrohom Yaakov Hakohein Pam 'r.ln, Svei, Rabbi Elya Acts of Kiddush Hashem: Like CONFIDENTIAL 10 AM - 10 PM Dec. '01 Incense Before the Almighty Feb. 'O 1 ./SUPPORT GROUPS Schorr, Rabbi Yisroel Simcha An Agenda for Twerski, Dr. Aaron Understanding Limita ./REFERRALS Strength, Oct. 'O l tions: An Alternative Approach, June 'O I; Reflec ./HOTLINE Shafran, Rabbi Avi "Why Get Them Upset?," tions the Morning After, Oct. 'O I April 'Ol Wachsman, Rabbi Ephraim Insights From Shapiro, Dr. Rashi Bein Ish L'Jshto: lmprov- the September 1 l Tragedies, Oct. '01 Warhaftig Batia The Strange Magic of Harry Potter ~ Is It Really Harmless?, April 'O I HAT PLUS Weinbach, Mrs. SheindeJ review of The Eter nal Thread, Nov. '01 Hats • Shirts • Ties • Accessories Weinberg, Rabbi Chaim Aaron Rising To The Your#J Stop Challenge Of Educating All Our Students, April 'Ol We make "housecalls" for Quality Hats Weller, Dr. Judah The Link Between Prob 718)972-4003 lem Children and Learning Disabilities, April '01 WE ALSO DRY CLEAN LARGEST SELECTION & RESHAPE HATS OF CHOSON/M TIES IN Wenger, Rabbi Yoel Chonon Quality of Life, IP. :i-·.,~- (All work done on premises) BROOKLYN Revisited, April 'O I / • .. ib:;)!P 1368 Coney Island Avenue Wilder, Dr. Meir Bein !sh L'lshto: Improving (71 8) 377-5050 Marital Communication, June '01 Specializing in small batim for a perfect fit. Ma/or credit cards accepted • We ship UPS Wolbe, Rabbi Shlomo N'1"7v A Woman of Valor: The Master Builder of the Jewish Home, Uncle Moishy, June'Ol Mordechai Ben David, PESACH GUIDE TO Wolpin, Rabbi Nisson Rabbi Yaakov Moshe MEDICATIONS Kulefsky7:n, Jan. '01; Rabbi Mordechai Gifter and other top-of-the-line 7l11, Feb. 'OJ: Avoiding a 1wo-Fold Tragedy Feb. Jewish entertainers '01; Introduction to "Learning Disabilities;' April are available For a copy of the most '01; Interview with Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon Comprehensive Pesach Guide (Shidduchim and Marriage), June 'Ol; Editori to visit al Introduction to "In the Aftermath ... ,"Oct. '01 to Medications I Cosmetics seriously ill Zaidoff, Rabbi Ari Our Youth as Spokesman children by Rav Gershon Bess for Torah, March '01 thanks to l.akon, Mrs. Miriam Speaking Up fur the Wall, Please write to: """"ilm1"!rnw ,,,,,, Feb. '01; Four Days in Poland, May '01 »ri'ml :a~ ., ro. mn KOLLEL LOS ANGELES SL Second Looks AChessed project run by 223 S. 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