Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 TitanTribune.Tumblr.com Build Vanity, Build Greed, Achieve Indolence @JfkTitanTribune (510) 657-1070 Ext. 27352

*The following articles are completely true, therefore, should not be taken seriously. CJ’s Liquor: Sasquatch Sighted on Campus! Promoting Business Values at Kennedy

By Kim Reisler

CJ Liquors is an area of contention for many in the Kennedy zoning. Some argue that it is not acceptable to have such a blatant symbol of alcoholism and tobacco ad- diction by a school, but per- haps CJ‛s is more than this. CJ‛s exhibits a smart way to do business. Whoever placed CJ‛s across from Kennedy shows solid business sense. DECA club members could certainly learn a lesson from CJ‛s advertising and loca- tion. CJ‛s owners show eco- nomic sense; plus, we cannot begrudge the employees of the store their jobs, just be- cause CJ‛s may have a nega- tive impact on the kids who will someday run our country. And what about those politicians who passed the By Charlie Darwin The mysterious Sas- of physical evidence. “Ac- spite the authenticity of the zoning for CJ‛s, they must quatch (Bigfoot, Abominable cording to the picture, this evidence, principals Greg Bai- really be proud. On April 1st, 2014, Snowman, Yeti) has kindled thing is pretty hairy. Why, ly and Bob Moran of American Who is to say that a large, hairy creature was the imaginations of people then, was there no fur or and Washington respectively, CJ‛s even has a negative im- seen roaming around the Ken- across the globe, as well as hair left behind? We had an claim that this is just another pact? High school students nedy campus. The details are inspired countless hoaxes and entire team of researchers hoax put on by Mr. Velez (who are too young to be purchas- blurry, but we can gather conspiracy theories. Howev- scour the school for poten- they say uncannily resembles ing cigarettes or alcohol. that the creature vague- er, it seems that the sighting tial DNA evidence, but noth- the creature). This so called There is nothing to worry ly resembled the mythical at Kennedy is the real deal. ing outside the ordinary was hoax is an attempt to get about! We all know that store “Sasquatch” that has been When asked about the found.” With even the most more publicity for Kennedy, clerks would never give out eluding both scientists and situation, Principal Edward decorated of scientists baf- enhancing the mysteries sur- potentially dangerous or ad- conspiracy theorists for the Velez stated that “The most fl ed by this mystery, it seems rounding the Kennedy campus. dicting substances. That‛s past sixty years. However, important thing here is the like the chances of fi nding Mr. Velez, a sasquach expect against the law! The crowds experts from around the Bay safety of the students. We this creature once more is himself, says that this is not that gather there before, Area and the United States can‛t get caught up in the impossible. the only time this beast has during, and after school may are asking, “Why now? And mystery, we need to fi nd this Like many research- been seen on campus, in fact, just need a place to hang why did he choose to be seen creature and get it safely off ers, some students believe he claims that our most re- out. CJ‛s does sound like a at Kennedy High School?” our campus so that there is that the entire situation is cent wrestling win was in part comfortable place to be. It Some believe that the poor, no chance our students are in a hoax. Senior Israel Como- due to a last minute “hairy” sounds like something one misguided creature is lost danger.” However, even with nfort exclaims, “This is ob- competitor on the Kennedy friend would say to another, and wandered into the cam- repeated sightings and pho- viously Photoshopped. I can team. We encourage anyone “Let‛s go chill at CJ‛s! What a pus unknowingly, and should tographic evidence, the crea- tell from some of the pixels with information about the homey place!” be helped back into the wild. ture continues to elude local and from seeing quite a few creature to please step up We could also utilize However, some believe that researchers and policemen Photoshops in my day.” How- and help us fi nd it, so we can CJ‛s as a fi eld trip destination this creature poses a threat alike. ever, the authenticity of the hopefully help take it back for health class. It doesn‛t to the students and faculty Something that puz- picture is not in question, as into the wild where it belongs. cost much and lets students of the school and should be zles one local scientist who the shot was proven to be un- analyze how seductive ad- captured for study. visited the campus is the lack modifi ed and untouched. De- vertisements for alcohol and tobacco can be. Just think of the educational opportunities Eminem Comes to Kennedy at CJ Liquors. By Slim Shady a Bully almost made him Just Eminem promised Ms. the Way You Lie.” Eminem Furthermore, CJ‛s is Lose It. He also struggled Carrillo that he would not Re- knows his bad behavior has like a symbol of the school. Eminem, also known with expressing himself to lapse into his previous thug left him Brain Damaged and Each school has a mascot; as Marshal Mathers, has of- the enrolling administration, behavior and, in fact, he wants perhaps sometimes Brain- what say we make our mascot fi cially stated that he will be only managing to say, “My to join peers to help others less. Knowing Mr. Canady, he a drunken bum and our local returning to high school to out of the thug will not accept the apology store a place of school pride. earn the diploma he has so life. Perhaps, Emi- and will go Bezerk on Emi- If our liquor store is good far failed to obtain. Mathers nem‛s biggest chal- nem. enough, Kennedy could be- chose Kennedy because he lenge will be math To help him prepare for this come the most popular school has Infi nite love for his Ken- class, where previ- life change, Eminem said, “I in the district. Students will nedy fans. He wants to work ously he was always Need a Doctor” and drove to fl ock to Kennedy, all to be a hard at Kennedy and be a role compelled to an- Dr. Dre‛s house where Dre part of the CJ‛s family. model, saying to the students, swer the problems schooled Eminem on how to ”You should not Lose Yourself with the number high school. We are all hop- like I once did.” Name is.” However, he men- 313. He was caught cheating ing for the best this time INDEX tioned he was Not Afraid, his fi rst day and then lied to around. Good Luck Kennedy Flying Cars...... 5 Playstation Zero...... 4 During Eminem‛s en- despite his awkward start at Mr. Canady about it. Mr. Ca- Titan, Marshal Mathers! The Brown House...... 3 rollment process last week, Kennedy. nady stated, “I do not Love Israelism...... 2 Page 2 School News TitanTribune.Tumblr.com The Titan Tribune @JfkTitanTribune Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 Beauty Tips israelism

By Simmone Shah By Israel Lopez and Israel in his shining white glory,” People waste hundreds of dollars on expensive beauty products without realizing that Nguyen says Sean Ha. Mister Ha lives it is easier to fi nd safer, natural equivalents right in our homes. These are a few replacements on a strict diet of Hawaiian Israel Comonfort, that will make you look and feel good without emptying out your wallet in the process. So next pizza and horchata (a Mexi- born and raised in South De- time you set out to buy yourself a product such as lipstick or hail gel, look around your house can rice drink) in order to fi ll troit, Michigan, is often re- and try using one of these seven alternatives instead. himself up with what little garded as our generation‛s of The Holy Comonfort‛s es- Louis XVI. Although he is 1. For a natural looking hair gel, liberally apply maple syrup and onion dip to your hair after sence he can sparsely grasp. only seventeen years old, he showering. The syrup when mixed with the dip contains natural vitamins, minerals, and amino Following in Ha‛s footsteps, has already amassed a huge acids that work to create a healthier substitute for hair gel, and will leave your hair soft and many Israelites have taken to following around the world. smelling delicious all day. this practice of fi lling their These followers are affec- bowels to the rim with Ha- tionately referred to as Is- 2. If you want to get rid of your glasses, but don‛t want to take your chances on a risky waiian pizza and horchata as raelites and Believeraels. surgery, try squeezing a few drops of lemon juice and chili powder in your eyes before bed. well, all in the name of their The Israelites have often The acids in the lemon create a reaction which, overnight, gradually fi xes your eyesight, leav- Lord and Savior. been caught buying off politi- ing you with 20/20 vision when you wake up. Now, not everyone cians and hijacking ice cream must be born under a pillar of trucks for the glory of Sweet 3. Instead of bubble baths, which contain chemicals such as ethanolamine and sodium Israel to be eligible to bask in Israel. After countless inter- lauryl sulfate, try adding a few ounces of a cleaning product like Windex into your bath. It‛s the numbing, sensational glo- rogations, it has been discov- an old trick not many people know of, but Windex actually works wonders on your skin; it‛s ry of Sweet Israel. The trial ered that the Israelites fol- guaranteed to make your skin sparkle and glow. of converting to Israelism and low a strict set of rules that becoming one with the Isra- they should be living by daily. 4. Many of the store brand deodorants may contain substances that are unsafe for your elites is cruel and tedious, These rules are found in a loca- skin, such as propylene glycol and aluminum. As an organic substitute, use garlic, a natural in- but very much worth the tion known as the holy state gredient you can fi nd in your kitchen to remove odor. Crushed garlic is a great way to keep your struggle and effort. In or- skin and body healthy and smelling fresh, as well as keeping those pesky sparkling vampires away.

5. The next time you feel like pampering yourself, treat your skin too. To make your skin feel soft and refreshed, place the peels of a banana on your skin and rest for an hour. Bananas contain potassium and vitamin B6, and are a great, natural way to rejuvenate dry, peeling skin. When the time is up, you will notice the difference in your skin.

6. If you‛ve ever broken a nail, you know it can be annoying and sometimes painful thing. An easy solution to the problem is to use superglue to reattach the nail, instead of tearing it off when it breaks. After the glue dries, generously apply nail polish to hide any cracks; complet- ing the look and saving you a trip to the nail salon.

7. The best lipstick to own is one that looks good and tastes even better. Ketchup is a perfect substitute for your everyday red lipstick. Unlike the store-bought lipsticks, ketchup contains natural coloring that will make your lips look and feel softer, and will come in handy of Tennessee. Deep in the la- when you‛re in the mood for French fries. Just mix the ketchup with lard for consistency. der to merge souls with the goons of Tennessee lies the essence of Israel, one must Israelite place of worship (somewhat) simply obtain a named The Seven Pillars of tattoo of a turtle shell on the Israel. On each of these pil- entirety of their bare back— lars, a tome of Israel is in- although there is a catch to scribed. The seven pillars of this task. The tattoo must Living Inside the Israel are greed, knowledge, be created without the use seduction, rhythm, joy, HVTE of a needle and ink, but in- and famine. Each Beliverael is stead with an authentic Huf By Yi Liu born under one of these pil- Plantlife snapback, prefera- data can be sent into the in- the Neurion Helm causes is Internet lars and must carry out deeds bly made in Korea and shipped Kennedy students, ternet completely safely. The that if your computer be- that would represent their from Malaysia. have you ever wondered what helmet is made of the high- comes infected with a virus, given pillar. For example, if Why convert to Is- it would be like to live in your est quality material of tin foil the user will be stuck in the you were born under the pil- raelism? There are thousands computer? Or what it feels there is, and the secret be- internet for a little while, lar of HVTE, you must spread of extravagant benefi ts of like to be in the game you hind the tin foil is that it can only about their whole life. profanity to other people‛s being an Israelite, such as were playing? Well fear not, absorb information from your As long as the family of the lives. being one step closer to be- scientists have managed to body through its tiny conduc- users continuously feed him Many have gone to one coming God, lifetime supply make your dreams come true. tive atoms into the comput- through a tube, then the user of Israel‛s biggest followers, of cream cheese, and obtain- Scientists from the Univer- er. All you need to do to get will remain perfectly healthy Sean Ha, to seek knowledge ing the ability to shape shift sity of Reality Check for his/her entire on why these commandments one‛s face into that of Israel have managed to cre- life. There isn‛t a were placed. Ha, has been at the ripe age of 66 years, ate a program that downside to this. studying Israel‛s teachings 6 months, and 6.66 seconds allows your whole If the user want- for many years and has be- (one-time use only, no refunds self to be teleport- ed to reset their come somewhat of an expert included no matter how many ed inside your com- whole life, why not on Israelism. “I often fanta- pedestrians may be injured at puter. This program do it on the inter- size of our lord Israel return- the sight of the mighty Isra- is called “Neurion net? A famous, and ing to Earth and showering us el). Helm.” Although this wise, old man once program was made said, “Everything by college students, is on the internet”. it is now a multimil- Remember the re- lion dollar business. mote that allows You can star as the you to feel on the main character of internet? Well due the game you‛re play- to the electromag- ing or you can watch netic waves, it also movies in 3D without works for food. leaving the comfort The food that the of your chair. All it user consumes in requires for you is the computer may to have an operation not be real, but where a port is inserted into out of the computer and into for the user it is as real as your skull. You are then given reality is to manually press normal food. a remote control connected the shutdown button on your The Neurion Helm is to your port which allows you taskbar. I know what you‛re an invention which changed to enter the internet. thinking, the helmet and all the lives of many people, The science behind may be good, but what about young and old. Without this this is very simple. Humans, the remote? The remote new invention people would go after decades of testing, is also made of the highest to the “outernet” in order to have been known to be con- quality material there is too, experience events. Neruion sidered “data” in computer but this time the remote is helm is the device for people standards. Humans contain at made of iron. The iron allows that want to be in the com- least fi ve gigabytes of infor- the handler to feel the elec- forts of their own homes, mation stored inside them. tromagnetic waves while in- without the threat of the If you take this concept and side the computer, so it gives burning sunlight on one‛s skin. treat it like an USB, your in- the users a more lifelike feel Without the Neurion Helm, formation can be sent into to it. The electromagnetic society wouldn‛t have been as the internet. With cutting waves imitate what you feel capable as it is now. edge new technology, you can in real life. rest assure that all the human The only real problem Page 3 World News TitanTribune.Tumblr.com The Titan Tribune @JfkTitanTribune Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 WORLD NEWS Teens Wear Chastity EDM PROVEN TO CURE CANCER By Waleed Khasru Initially it was be- about this form of music. Glove to Abstain from lieved that EDM had been What does this new EDM, electronic dance synthesized by USSR scien- development mean to the re- music, is a genre of music tists and musicians to spread search of traditional medi- Subtweeting based on electronic and digi- communism all over the world. cine? Experts say that EDM By Subtweet Sisters tal instruments such as key- This music media was on lock- Therapy will remain indepen- boards and electronic drums, down by the US government dent of other methods of Subtweeting, a vile The Jonas Brothers have do- which is generally featured in in the early 2000‛s, but many neutralizing cancer, since the form of communication for nated over 30,000,000 dol- nightclubs. It has been rising tracks still found their way study is so new. That being cowards, has swept over this lars in research for the STC in popularity since the ‘90s into the underground scene, said, many cancer research prosperous nation. Now 9.9 (Subtweet Chastity) project. when it fi rst arrived in the where it rose in popularity. foundations are losing inves- out of 10 twitter users have The STC project will cre- states, and fi nally hit main- After thorough research and tors to EDM therapy. This been blatantly subtweeting ate and franchise chastity stream media in 2010. New experimentation, it was found may be good news for civilians their followers, and 8 out of power gloves to specifi cally reports by scientists and that the music did no such and patients – EDM therapy music theorists have broken thing, in spite of its addic- will be massively less costly ground on research that indi- tive nature. On the contrary, to administer than traditional cates that this wave of music scientists began to discover chemotherapy and medicine, that has been sweeping the that certain frequencies of and will be much more widely nation actually promotes the soundwaves common in EDM available. Some scientists are repression and destruction of actually neutralized cancer- going as far as saying that we diseases, including cancer. ous cells. are on the brink of extermi- EDM is a broad genre Experiments are al- nating cancer, but the fact that encompasses numer- ready underway to start us- of the matter is yet undeter- ous types of music, such as ing EDM as a sort of therapy mined. house, drum ‘n bass, nu disco, for cancer patients, using pa- This specifi c prop- 10 have denied it and claimed combat subtweeting urges. and dubstep. Originally from tients that choose to use this erty of EDM has multiplied that they were “talking about These chastity gloves will be Europe, this genre of music alternative form of therapy. the demand and reputation something else.” Groups of equipped with the highest has wound up in nightclubs Unlike chemotherapy, be- of artists, making people like fellow tweeters have de- security technology, accom- and raves in the states as ing exposed to EDM doesn‛t Deadmau5, Kaskade, and Ti- cided to say no to subtweet- panied by low to moderate well. It was at one particular seem to have any side ef- esto extremely popular. Some ing and have a raised a coali- shock reminders and several nightclub where club promot- fects. Parallel to this rapid artists have begun start- tion of action against it. The complex codes to protect ers noticed the particularly development, synthesizers ing up their own charities to President of Turkey‛s hatred tweeters from backing out healthy aspects of their club are working with scientists help fund further research. of subtweeting has height- of their oath to abstain from patrons. EDM caught on very to develop the most effec- It goes without saying that ened to the point where he subtweeting. Remember that quickly since the club own- tive soundtrack to neutral- this theory of EDM‛s curative has blocked twitter from birds spread diseases so keep er marketed their club as a ize cancerous cells. Current properties has become the the entire nation of Turkey. your tweeter in your pants. “health dance club,” which research doesn‛t show much most critical medical news led many scientists and music of a difference between dif- story of the year, possibly “Don‛t theorists to study EDMs ef- ferent genres, but hopefully even the decade. Tweet” fects on people. we will be able to learn more shirts avail- able in the Kim Jong Un’s Birthday List student By Radicle Kat store. If the store is The intimidating, scary, and evil dictator that is ruling North Korea has released his insane birthday gift desires to the entire world. We have a year to provide Kim Jung-Un with closed send all his wants, and if we don‛t, he has vowed to put the entire world in labor camps. The world angry tweets is in chaos and the heads of nations are collaborating on ways to make his wishes come true. to ASB until What is in store for the future? Here is his Birthday Wish list which we all must prepare for: they open it! 1) All people must paint their faces dark purple and wear chicken or gorilla costumes in a parade to be held on his birthday. They must march in unison and no one must wreak havoc to the formation or they are to be blown up on the spot.

2) Everyone must wear Kim Jung-Un masks on the day after his birthday and go bowling or biking for four hours. By Gustavo Rojas he said “deuces,” or even at the fact that he stated the 3) A fi lm showing 13 simulations of different ways South Korea can be demolished must be At 5 o‛clock Friday af- best supported evidence on made. ternoon, on December 13th, why he should. Barack Obama announced Pope Francis has le- 4) Dennis Rodman must be allowed to return to professional basketball and have madonna the renaming of “The White gitimately claimed that presi- as his concubine. House,” to “The Brown dent‛s Obama‛s decision is an House.” After realizing the act of God, which is begin- 5) Everyone over the age of 25 must dedicate a small fraction of their belongings to Kim advantages of his position as ning to infl uence the people in Jung-Un. the United States. All 6) Kim Jun-Un is going to moon the world leaders at the U.N summit and all the leaders must of these bend over one by one and kiss his butt. decisions are tying 7) Kim Jong Un must be allowed to form his own Olympic team and everyone must allow him down to to win all of the gold medals. the most anticipated 8) Super slow internet speeds must be enforced throughout the world. question, is Obama a 9) Everyone must sacrifi ce the youngest child of their family and prepare them for Kim president Jun-Un‛s birthday meal. The selections of kids Kim Jun-Un will eat are to be decided, but if he or a Saint?! fi nds a youngest kid of any family uncooked it will be game over for us. Must he not be 10) An 11 x 20 dimension portrait of Kim Jong-Un must be hung in every classroom of the nation leader, Obama knew obeyed to as a president of world. this was the moment to take the United States or wor- action, to give his home the shipped as a Holy fi gure by “The Dopest” paint job ever. the world? We are in need of Outrageous or absolute ge- answers! nius, you decide. “I don‛t care Barack Obama‛s idea what y‛all think or say about is simply divine, nothing could my boss *Gluteus Maximus* bring tears of joy more than decisions, y‛all just hating on this, however, others are my success,” said Obama,” one speculating the idea that it simply doesn‛t start from the must be a sign of Alien activ- bottom and get the oppor- ity, maybe Obama is in fact an tunity to change names and Alien for his out-of this plan- stuff, so whatever, long hurr, et idea. But Kim Kardashian don‛t curr, deuces.” Many said it best, “the White can‛t argue with Obama after House is due of a tan!” Page 4 Entertainment TitanTribune.Tumblr.com The Titan Tribune @JfkTitanTribune Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 New Mel Gibson Film Ambiguous News Headlines Stirs Controversy EYE DROPS OFF SHELF OLD SCHOOL PILLARS PANDA MATING FAILS; ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO MAKES HOLE IN ONE RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE HOSPITALS ARE SUED 12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH MUSHROOMS LAWMEN FROM MEXICO KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR BARBECUE GUESTS QUEEN MARY HAVING SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS BOTTOM SCRAPED TWO SOVIET SHIPS SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS COLLIDE, ONE DIES DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED TALK AT NOON ENRAGED COW INJURES 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 FARMER WITH AX MINERS REFUSE TO YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER WORK AFTER DEATH LACK OF BRAINS MAN EATING PIRANHA HINDERS RESEARCH MILK DRINKERS ARE MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH TURNING TO POWDER RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME DRUNK GETS NINE FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE QUARTER OF A MILLION IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS JUVENILE COURT TO CHINESE LIVE ON WATER TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT HERSHEY BARS PROTEST INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN COMPLAINTS ABOUT WHEN BAKING COOKIES REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY BUT MORE LIES AHEAD Playstation Zero Announced By Roger Ebert istic, with the bottleneck Cory Sightings being the consumer’s dis- After only mere play and sound system. For months, Sony has already perspective, an alpha build Across the Globe gone through research and of the Playstation Zero can development and announced display native 16K resolu- By John Travolta their fl agship gaming de- tion of a life-like driving vice, the Playstation Zero. simulator still in develop- America‛s 7th favorite Canadian actor/singer, Cory Monteith, died last Sony Computer Entertain- ment at a stable 120 FPS. ment’s president and CEO July. Cory Monteith played the hunky jock Finn Hudson on the hit TV show, The test audience remarked Andrew House has made the that the game looked better Glee. This travesty has affected many of his fans and supporters. Cory‛s loved executive move to delay the than any video they had ever ones are still in mourning but are working through the heartbreak to fulfi ll the production of their tradi- seen, some saying that the tional consoles (namely the gameplay looked better than life Cory would have wanted them to. Recently, Cory‛s more eccentric fans have Playstation 5) and develop been tenaciously excavating evidence that Cory is still alive. President of the real life. a system with overkill pow- The Playstation Zero Cory Monteith Founders Association, John Travolta, stated “I will go to every er to blow the competition will be in a class of its length and inch of the world to fi nd my beloved Cory.” When Cory‛s former fi - out of the water. When asked own, not only because of on the decision, House had ancé, Lea Michele, was asked about Travolta‛s mission she gave no comment. its performance; the start- no comment. Shuhei Yoshida, ing price of the entry-level the President of Worldwide model is speculated to be a The following pictures were taken by John Travolta...

August 3, Cory is fi rst spotted taking a October 26, Cory is seen out of his bungalo sporting a trendy new haircut stroll in the Sahara. Studios, however, amusing- whopping $9,999 for the 16 ly stated that there was no TB model. That being said, room in the market for any the console will actually be other corporation to release sold at a loss if the prices a system with the caliber are correct – the PC equiva- that could compete with the lent of the Playstation Zero Playstation Zero. will easily reach fi ve-fi g- The Playstation Ze- ures. House stated that they ro’s architecture will be didn’t expect many sales, the most similar to a PC to and that this console was date, and is said to feature just an experimental project a 64-core processor (4x16 of Sony Computer Entertain- cores) clocked at 7.5 GHz, ment, but that he wanted to with a 1024 MB cache, devel- fi ll the small niche of peo- oped in-house. The graphics ple wanting the very great- controller will be designed est technology of the pres- December 25, Putin asks Cory to January 1st: after watching ‘Sharknado” by AMD, codenamed Rapture, ent. which will have a quad-core spend the night with his “special for the fi fth time, Cory is inspired to go Development of the friend” Snowden GPU with a core clock at 4 Playstation Zero is still in back to the US GHz and a memory clock 8 early beta, so the system is GHz. The GPU will feature 16 expected to be launched by GB of GDDR6 memory, with a holiday 2015, possibly ear- 2048-bit bus. Different mod- ly 2016. The system is ex- els will feature different pected to be released along- storage drives, ranging from side a driving simulator and 16 to 64 TB, and every sys- a fi rst-person-shooter-sim, tem will support virtual re- both developed in-house by ality accessories. Needless SCE. Sony may also assist to say, this system will be with development with any the most powerful console to third party company that date, leaving even the most would want to create a game powerful consumer-built PCs for the Playstation Zero, in the dust. hinted at by Yoshida. The fu- With this much per- ture of the console is still February 19, Cory gets into an argument April 1st, Cory is now fulfi lling a lifelong formance, game developers undetermined, since nothing have close to infi nite re- with Siri and Siri leaves him without ac- dream of playing Snow White at this ambitious has ever been cess to Google Maps sources that the system will done before by a well-known Disneyworld’s Magic Kingdom Resort be able to handle. Games are corporation in gaming. expected to look hyper-real- Page 5 Lifestyle TitanTribune.Tumblr.com The Titan Tribune @JfkTitanTribune Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 Por Qué No He Flying Car$ By T. Edison dant soluti on. Thirty seconds aft er this new feature was announced, Comido Aquí? Recently Tesla unveiled Tesla stock shot up sixty points. the fi rst ever fully electric fl ying a waiter who knew the menu it was fresh out of the Pacifi c By Mickey D car, the Icarus. With the ability to Truly, Mr. Musk has once inside and out. Aft er listening to Ocean. I was prepared to have fl y from San Francisco to New York again revoluti onized the both the him explain the virtues of several my taste buds delighted, and my City in fi ve charges, the Model F Guess what? There’s an automoti ve and aviati on indus- items, we made up our minds to taste buds ended up on a roller is set to take the world by storm. exciti ng place to visit for a great tries. Ford’s CEO, Alan Mulally, order a litt le bit of everything! coaster of culinary adventure as The batt ery lasts only 600 miles, meal, and not only is it delicious, expressed his concerns with the Let me shock you--every single the savory and slimy sauce ooz- and you must stop at certain Tes- but incredibly easy on your wal- Model F. “Now here in America, entree we ordered was cooked ing out of the fi sh fi llet sandwich la-approved Supercharger spots let as well. Burgers, fries, ice- we have this beauti ful litt le thing to perfecti on, the right amount of touched my pallet. The best part on the way. With the 100 kWh cream, chicken nuggets, fi sh fi l- called a V8. That’s an eight cyl- sweetness and salti ness, texture is that McDonalds only makes all performance batt eries, you can let sandwiches, salad, fl urries, inder engine that burns gas, and and aft ertaste. Absolutely fabu- its food from scratch, and that theoreti cally get from SFO to JFK makes a vroom sound. None of was obvious, as I took my in less than ten hours. However, fi rst bite. And talk about with the stops made along the that “whoosh” stuff that those sustainable eati ng, even the way, the fl ight ti me is increased sissy electric cars are doing. We chicken nuggets are made to 15 hours. While some may see make pure American cars, like the by uti lizing all parts of the this as a hassle, it is actually a bril- new 4 cylinder Mustang we made chicken; I suspect they own liant way to cut down on both just so we could sell the Mustang their own litt le chicken farm fl ight costs and luggage charges. in countries other than the US. on the back of the build- And with the $200,000 price tag, Please buy our cars, thank you ing. Also, the pigs and cows you could potenti ally save enough and God bless.” However, no mat- for the beef and bacon are to pay off the whole car within ter what competi tors say, it seems slaughtered on the spot and fi ft y years. like Tesla is on an unbeatable win- made fresh for orders. Pau- ning streak. la Deen herself admitt ed that McDonalds is the top choice for her fi ne dining experience, “Best chicken pancakes, lemonade, everything lous. We had French fries which ever! Aw yeah! I want the enti re a person could ever desire! This were extremely healthy, made country to be on a McDonald’s fantasti c culinary adventure is out that super food vegetable it- diet, because I am, and I abso- called McDonalds and it is a one self, the potato. Potatoes are full lutely love it.” Ya’ll should give it of a kind fi ne dining experience. of vitamin B6 and a good source a try, because not only is McDon- Everything is craft ed to bits by the top chefs of the country, mouthwa- tering foods cooked to the utmost perfecti on. I am normally skepti cal of places as nice--and yet as Tesla’s founder, Elon Musk, stated that he was excited inexpensive as this, ($1 This was further amplifi ed for a chicken sandwich). about the possibiliti es his Model F when well-known car magazine McDonalds off ers an in- has for American transportati on. MotorTrend tested the car. “This novati ve and changing “By 2030, you might even be able car has changed the name of the menu that compares in to go from Chicago to San Fran- game. Aft er a few hours of leisure- imaginati on, quality, and cisco on a single charge!” stated diversity, to restaurants the eccentric Musk. “Maybe ly fl ying around we realized that such as Chez Panisse. our grandkids could see the day there really isn’t any reason to Walking into McDon- where we get a car across the At- drive conventi onal road cars any- alds is like walking into lanti c Ocean,” he added. Reports more. That’s why I made the de- heaven, from the surpris- indicate that an early att empt at cision to change the name of our ing smells to the colorful this project caused the death of magazine to Electric-MotorTrend. fashion-perfect interior two Tesla workers, who crashed The Model F not only wins our design. An oversized stone fi re- of potassium, copper, vitamin C, alds delicious, they are the top into the sun, and then plummeted 2014 car of the year, but the 2015 place serves as the restaurant’s manganese, phosphorus, niacin, healthy choice as well.” Our own into the ocean. He also happily and 2016 car of the year as well,” focal point. From the dining room, dietary fi ber, and pantothenic students recommend this culinary stated that it would by physically stated editor-in-Chief Edward Loh. there is a parti al view of the kitch- acid; the heavy oil made the experience. Israel Comonfort impossible for any of the cars to Truly, the Bay Area based com- en, which adds to the restaurant’s potatoes slide right down. All says, “Hooray, thanks McDonalds catch fi re, as the frame and every pany has changed everyone’s out- bustling, city-like ambiance. This our daily need for vitamins met, for everything you have done for panel has fl ame-detecti ng sen- look on cars and transportati on in social mecca is a great place to through these scrumpti ous Mc- my body.” Overall, McDonalds is sors. Once the sensors detect that general. No matt er what happens relax and enjoy food, friends and Donalds French fries! We also the place to go for any occasion, there is a fi re, the car politely asks with Tesla, the world of cars will fun. had a yummy fi sh fi llet sandwich, at any ti me, and one can never re- the occupants to leave as the en- never be the same. despite the fact that the fi sh was turn unsati sfi ed from eati ng here, ti re car is fi lled with a fl ame retar- We were welcomed by frozen for months, it tasted like guaranteed. Five Star rati ng! (^:>Ha Ha-Horoscopes <:^)

Pisces Gemini Aries You will have a You will drink a Times will change. thought. beverage.

Sagittarius Cancer Virgo Your heart will You will eat some- You will die beat in time. thing cancerous. eventually.

Leo Scorpio Libra You will fall You will move a You will have some- asleep with your muscle. thing you like for mouth open. lunch.

Capricorn Aquarius Taurus You will wear You will go to You will blink. a public bath- clothes that fi t snuggly. room. Page 6 News in Photos TitanTribune.Tumblr.com The Titan Tribune @JfkTitanTribune Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4