Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 TitanTribune.Tumblr.com Build Vanity, Build Greed, Achieve Indolence @JfkTitanTribune (510) 657-1070 Ext. 27352 *The following articles are completely true, therefore, should not be taken seriously. CJ’s Liquor: Sasquatch Sighted on Campus! Promoting Business Values at Kennedy By Kim Reisler CJ Liquors is an area of contention for many in the Kennedy zoning. Some argue that it is not acceptable to have such a blatant symbol of alcoholism and tobacco ad- diction by a school, but per- haps CJ‛s is more than this. CJ‛s exhibits a smart way to do business. Whoever placed CJ‛s across from Kennedy shows solid business sense. DECA club members could certainly learn a lesson from CJ‛s advertising and loca- tion. CJ‛s owners show eco- nomic sense; plus, we cannot begrudge the employees of the store their jobs, just be- cause CJ‛s may have a nega- tive impact on the kids who will someday run our country. And what about those politicians who passed the By Charlie Darwin The mysterious Sas- of physical evidence. “Ac- spite the authenticity of the zoning for CJ‛s, they must quatch (Bigfoot, Abominable cording to the picture, this evidence, principals Greg Bai- really be proud. On April 1st, 2014, Snowman, Yeti) has kindled thing is pretty hairy. Why, ly and Bob Moran of American Who is to say that a large, hairy creature was the imaginations of people then, was there no fur or and Washington respectively, CJ‛s even has a negative im- seen roaming around the Ken- across the globe, as well as hair left behind? We had an claim that this is just another pact? High school students nedy campus. The details are inspired countless hoaxes and entire team of researchers hoax put on by Mr. Velez (who are too young to be purchas- blurry, but we can gather conspiracy theories. Howev- scour the school for poten- they say uncannily resembles ing cigarettes or alcohol. that the creature vague- er, it seems that the sighting tial DNA evidence, but noth- the creature). This so called There is nothing to worry ly resembled the mythical at Kennedy is the real deal. ing outside the ordinary was hoax is an attempt to get about! We all know that store “Sasquatch” that has been When asked about the found.” With even the most more publicity for Kennedy, clerks would never give out eluding both scientists and situation, Principal Edward decorated of scientists baf- enhancing the mysteries sur- potentially dangerous or ad- conspiracy theorists for the Velez stated that “The most fl ed by this mystery, it seems rounding the Kennedy campus. dicting substances. That‛s past sixty years. However, important thing here is the like the chances of fi nding Mr. Velez, a sasquach expect against the law! The crowds experts from around the Bay safety of the students. We this creature once more is himself, says that this is not that gather there before, Area and the United States can‛t get caught up in the impossible. the only time this beast has during, and after school may are asking, “Why now? And mystery, we need to fi nd this Like many research- been seen on campus, in fact, just need a place to hang why did he choose to be seen creature and get it safely off ers, some students believe he claims that our most re- out. CJ‛s does sound like a at Kennedy High School?” our campus so that there is that the entire situation is cent wrestling win was in part comfortable place to be. It Some believe that the poor, no chance our students are in a hoax. Senior Israel Como- due to a last minute “hairy” sounds like something one misguided creature is lost danger.” However, even with nfort exclaims, “This is ob- competitor on the Kennedy friend would say to another, and wandered into the cam- repeated sightings and pho- viously Photoshopped. I can team. We encourage anyone “Let‛s go chill at CJ‛s! What a pus unknowingly, and should tographic evidence, the crea- tell from some of the pixels with information about the homey place!” be helped back into the wild. ture continues to elude local and from seeing quite a few creature to please step up We could also utilize However, some believe that researchers and policemen Photoshops in my day.” How- and help us fi nd it, so we can CJ‛s as a fi eld trip destination this creature poses a threat alike. ever, the authenticity of the hopefully help take it back for health class. It doesn‛t to the students and faculty Something that puz- picture is not in question, as into the wild where it belongs. cost much and lets students of the school and should be zles one local scientist who the shot was proven to be un- analyze how seductive ad- captured for study. visited the campus is the lack modifi ed and untouched. De- vertisements for alcohol and tobacco can be. Just think of the educational opportunities Eminem Comes to Kennedy at CJ Liquors. By Slim Shady a Bully almost made him Just Eminem promised Ms. the Way You Lie.” Eminem Furthermore, CJ‛s is Lose It. He also struggled Carrillo that he would not Re- knows his bad behavior has like a symbol of the school. Eminem, also known with expressing himself to lapse into his previous thug left him Brain Damaged and Each school has a mascot; as Marshal Mathers, has of- the enrolling administration, behavior and, in fact, he wants perhaps sometimes Brain- what say we make our mascot fi cially stated that he will be only managing to say, “My to join peers to help others less. Knowing Mr. Canady, he a drunken bum and our local returning to high school to out of the thug will not accept the apology store a place of school pride. earn the diploma he has so life. Perhaps, Emi- and will go Bezerk on Emi- If our liquor store is good far failed to obtain. Mathers nem‛s biggest chal- nem. enough, Kennedy could be- chose Kennedy because he lenge will be math To help him prepare for this come the most popular school has Infi nite love for his Ken- class, where previ- life change, Eminem said, “I in the district. Students will nedy fans. He wants to work ously he was always Need a Doctor” and drove to fl ock to Kennedy, all to be a hard at Kennedy and be a role compelled to an- Dr. Dre‛s house where Dre part of the CJ‛s family. model, saying to the students, swer the problems schooled Eminem on how to ”You should not Lose Yourself with the number high school. We are all hop- like I once did.” Name is.” However, he men- 313. He was caught cheating ing for the best this time INDEX tioned he was Not Afraid, his fi rst day and then lied to around. Good Luck Kennedy Flying Cars..........................5 Playstation Zero..................4 During Eminem‛s en- despite his awkward start at Mr. Canady about it. Mr. Ca- Titan, Marshal Mathers! The Brown House................3 rollment process last week, Kennedy. nady stated, “I do not Love Israelism.............................2 Page 2 School News TitanTribune.Tumblr.com The Titan Tribune @JfkTitanTribune Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4 Beauty Tips israelism By Simmone Shah By Israel Lopez and Israel in his shining white glory,” People waste hundreds of dollars on expensive beauty products without realizing that Nguyen says Sean Ha. Mister Ha lives it is easier to fi nd safer, natural equivalents right in our homes. These are a few replacements on a strict diet of Hawaiian Israel Comonfort, that will make you look and feel good without emptying out your wallet in the process. So next pizza and horchata (a Mexi- born and raised in South De- time you set out to buy yourself a product such as lipstick or hail gel, look around your house can rice drink) in order to fi ll troit, Michigan, is often re- and try using one of these seven alternatives instead. himself up with what little garded as our generation‛s of The Holy Comonfort‛s es- Louis XVI. Although he is 1. For a natural looking hair gel, liberally apply maple syrup and onion dip to your hair after sence he can sparsely grasp. only seventeen years old, he showering. The syrup when mixed with the dip contains natural vitamins, minerals, and amino Following in Ha‛s footsteps, has already amassed a huge acids that work to create a healthier substitute for hair gel, and will leave your hair soft and many Israelites have taken to following around the world. smelling delicious all day. this practice of fi lling their These followers are affec- bowels to the rim with Ha- tionately referred to as Is- 2. If you want to get rid of your glasses, but don‛t want to take your chances on a risky waiian pizza and horchata as raelites and Believeraels. surgery, try squeezing a few drops of lemon juice and chili powder in your eyes before bed. well, all in the name of their The Israelites have often The acids in the lemon create a reaction which, overnight, gradually fi xes your eyesight, leav- Lord and Savior. been caught buying off politi- ing you with 20/20 vision when you wake up. Now, not everyone cians and hijacking ice cream must be born under a pillar of trucks for the glory of Sweet 3.