"We believe that a publication such as yours is not the appropriate vehicle for teaching HiV prevention. Rather it encourages a free wheeling life style which helped bring this disease to the epidemic proportions we are now facing."

Carol A. Hale, Executive Director Permian Basin AIDS Coalition, Odessa, Texas NOT SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION HIV Merit Badges, Inkblots ottHlbboas, Love Letter to Heuft, And Mueb More! YOUR CRANKY EDITOR & IRRESISTIBLE FORCE 21-yeai-old Carson Beowulf Thome Tutlio hails from sunny YOUR HUMPY EDITOR Southern California. & INTERNATIONAL LIAISON Write him. c/o DPN Tom Ace we're sure it'll make day. YOUR SLEAZY EDITRIX Wouldyou like to be a & PROTECTOR OF THE STREETS DPN lust object? You Michael Botkin know what to do. 'We've got to have some common sense about a YOUR GRACIOUS KEEPER disease transmitted by people deliberately engaging OF THE CAMERA In unnatural acts." —Sen. Jesse Helms (R-N C.) Mod Bob

YOUR CRAFTY ARTIST & DEFENDER OF TRADITIONAL MEDIA KIra Od comm Page Jm Boy Carson Tuffio ^ ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! Sfmzy Wisdom: Josso Helm Makes Me Sick 3 What to do Once You're Dead Diseased Pariah News Is a patently of¬ thy Tim Haggerty 6 fensive publication of, by, and for people i^rs to the BdSorfs) / with HIV disease (and their friends and A Love letter to $lewt by Paul Walker W loved ones). We are a forum for Infected Get Fat, DonWie! explores The Weil-Fed Welfare Queen 11 people to share their thoughts, feelings, Truly Tuttt Frultl Flies fry Lou Ceci 14 art, writing, and brownie recipes In an Inkblots by Glenn Gayford. 15 atmosphere free of teddy bears, magic DPN Profile: A. J. 18 rocks, and seronegative guilt. We en¬ Just Call Me Grace by Michael Scarce courage people with HIV to submit ma¬ Fun witli Buddy's Meds by LesHa Nevman 21 terial; see page 13 for more details. Your Ho Place like Home by payment will be the satisfaction of being Leslea Newman 21 Kiss or KS (In)famous, and contributors retain all byS^ven H. Koenig 22 rights to their work. (untitled, 1989J by BeowulfJ Thome £2 01 Merit Badges by Michael Botkin 23 SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION Clementina by Kevin Bentley 25 Tea {fe// Oances byHomd Shapiro 3Q It's easy. It's quick. It's New Wave! Just Dire DIaHes by Tom Ace ....SW use the handy coupon on page 38. Porn Potato: Jo^-A-HolfcsOebix. 35? J Someone already tore It off? Then send $10.00 (US$12 Canada, US$20 Interna¬ ■■I tional) for one year (4 Issues) or $3 ($4 Canada, $6 Int'l) for a sample Issue. Checks or money orders to DPN, c/o Men's Support Center, P.O.Box 30564, Oakland, CA 94604. Please don't sub¬ scribe for more than one year at a time, for the future is mysterious. Questions? Leave a message at (510) 533-3412 (yes. It's a new phone number) or send email to [email protected] . You'll be glad you did.

ISSN 1064-8143 Page 2 bombings. In practice, it has never churned up. The government re¬ Sleazy Wisdom occurred in real life, unless you sponded with a massive crackdown AMN YOU count the occasional PWA charged on all Muslims and non-whites. with murder for biting an assailant. Algerians are afraid to leave their We know where you are, you There are a number of reasons houses for fear of mob violence or feckless sinners. You're in a. for this. While I might consider police harassment. Several liberal bookstore, or maybe leaning over Muslim suicide, and would certainly refugees, fleeing fundamen¬ a coffee table, desperately trying enjoy taking a few members of talist executioners, are being denied to read the contents of a DPN visas and left to die. The net effect Operation Rescue or some Christian which you have no intention of Militiamen with me, I'm not about of the bombing campaign has been paying for! Heavy hangs over your to do it until I'm pretty sure that all to make the lives of several million head, for you risk being struck my good time has been used up. But Muslims in France a living hell, and blind by the vengeful ghosts of when I finally do get too worn down to end up justifying the govern¬ our deceased editors, who'll toss Morris," Jesse Helms of to want to live anymore, will I still ment's repressive measures. their ashes in your face. Avoid this terrible fate—subscribe to DPN. North Carolina, made head¬ be able to bring off such a strenuous So if the bombers' goal was to Diseased Pariah News costs lines back in July by at¬ activity as suicide bombing? change France's racist policies or to only. $10 for the next, four issues, tempting to derail renewal of And if I do have any energy, I'd improve the lot of Muslims, they $12 Canada and $20 international (U.S. the Ryan White act which probably prefer to spend it in some failed miserably. If their goal was to currency please). Our plain brown provides hundreds of mil¬ more rewarding way, like writing make trouble and feel good, they wrapper lions of dollars"Senatorfor AIDSfromcare.PhilipThe scurrilous and irregular publishing The may a pieces Operation well consider themselves suc¬ about zheduie will thwart the nosiest of bill, which was sponsored by over Rescue and the Christian Militia. cess. But I would argue that you can dighbors. Send filthy lucre to j two-thirds of the senators, including Finally, I don't think that terror¬ still make trouble and feel good ~ I, P.O.Box 3C-" ' presidential hopeful Bob Dole, ism is a very useful political tool for without causing all those negative passed easily—but not before Helms the left in America. Let's face it, all side effects. got off a couple of pithy sound¬ the gun nuts are right-wingers. If or¬ After all, if some PWA were to bites. Why should we pay for some¬ chid growing or interior design had blow up himself and Helms, the thing people did to themselves, he terrorist potential the gay commu¬ Republicans would be relieved of asked, particularly when that activity nity would be quite formidable, but a growing embarrassment, the was disgusting and perverted? the fact is most fags can't tell an Christian Coalition would get a nice The irony of this coming from assault rifle from a vacuum cleaner. martyr, and the gay and HIVer the strongest advocate of the to¬ Ronald Reagan, who had them spe¬ would be replaced by some young, And although the right seems to get communities would get a massive bacco lobby was lost on much of the cially cut down so as not to show). vigorous non-senile representative of away with all sorts of murderous vi¬ police crackdown. So please, please, nation. Should we stop research on At a recent debate Helms referred Philip Morris et al. But the seat is olence—witness Operation Rescue's don't even think about it. There are lung cancer because many of its vic¬ repeatedly to Kim Sam II, the dicta¬ Helms' as long as he wants to keep unimpeded fire-bombing campaign better ways to accomplish your tims inflicted it on themselves, by tor of North Korea, as "Kim Sam it, and he certainly doesn't care if his against women's health clinics for goals. smoking? And there are plenty of us the Second." As head of the Senate personal escapades weaken his party. the past two years—any sign of mil¬ The notion came to me the other who consider cigarettes disgusting, if Foreign Relations Committee he So if anybody out there with itancy from the left routinely brings day when I tossed my cookies at one not exactly perverted. should have known better, and his zero T-cells was thinking of bump¬ down massive government interven¬ of the finest restaurants in town. I'm It makes you wonder how long embarrassed handlers tried to rectify ing off that tobacco-soaked sack of tion and repression. increasingly subject to these random Helms can keep on spouting this the problem for the next day's de¬ shit as a departing act, please wait. I A recent situation in France il¬ waves of nausea, and find them kind of thing before he becomes bate by spelling out the name pho¬ have a better idea, which I'll reveal lustrates this very clearly. A small rather embarrassing. No matter how a major embarrassment to the netically in his briefing notes ("Kim in due time. group of fundamentalists (or some¬ much you explain to a friend that Republican party. Word from inside Sam ILL"). Helms then proceeded "AIDS terrorism" is a potent no¬ one imitating such a group) set off a it's the drugs you're on, they can't the Beltway is that Helms (and also to denounce "Kim Sam the Third." tion. The idea is that PWAs, de¬ few bombs in subway wastebaskets, help but take it as a criticism when 92-year-old Strom Thurmond) is so It was this incident that con¬ spairing of our lives and enraged by killing several innocent bystanders. you vomit a meal they've prepared senile that he often doesn't know vinced me that, at this point, it's just our treatment, will revenge ourselves The bombers no doubt feel very all over the kitchen table. These what day it is and will soon be re¬ as well to have Helms around. If he on the world by deliberately spread¬ powerful from the attention they've spells are most likely when I have a duced to wearing adult diapers (like were bumped off or retired, he ing our disease or by gory suicide received and at the chaos they've full stomach, particularly of spicy

Pages Page 4 food, and are often sparked by tak¬ and I, for one, would take as much GLOSSARY ing a pill. It goes down wrong, I gag, joy and satisfaction from such an en¬ What To Do Once You're and as up comes dinner. counter I would from blowing us So, one arranges a lobbying both up. They can't even charge me In case some of you cherished meeting reactionary with can readers are new to the wonderful with the legisla¬ anything, really, since I al¬ tor of your choice. You'll probably ways claim that it was a spontaneous world of HIV, here's a key to the have to use a cover story, since even and uncontrollable event. "I'm just a alphabet soup of acronyms you're the Uncle Tom's Cabin Gay poor, sick man," I'd sob to the cam¬ likely to encounter in these pages. Republicans can't get in the door eras. "I can't believe they're saying I ADC AIDS dementia complex these days. Say you're from did this on purpose. Don't they AIDS Who's reading this to you, Christians for Forced Sterilization, have any compassion for the dying?" anyway? or the Tobacco for Kids Coalition There's no evidence that AIDS ARC like Brontosaurus excelsis, and you'll probably have no trouble. can be passed by vomit, or even officially disinvented About an hour before the sched¬ much theoretical reason to think it A Practical Guide for the AZT azidothymldlne uled interview, stop for a large heavy could be. Of course, biting can't HiV-positive CDC Centers for Disease spicy meal of low quality food—I transmit HIV either, and several Control and prevention recommend cheap Indian—and PWAs have been charged with mur¬ by Tim Haggerty CMV cytomegalovirus: take as many nausea-inducing drugs der for biting someone. But biting is cerebritis, retinitis, as you have. Personally, I take six clearly an aggressive act, intended to pneumonitis meds that would make any normal harm, while vomiting is (usually) an evitable: how to act once C&BT cock and ball torture (oops. person sick to their stomach. involuntary response to distress. I'll you're your big challenge is to adjust to an the dead. Of course, the existence that revolves around de¬ wrong glossary) Then, when you're introduced to argue, quite simply and literally, that (yawn) epidemic, every following only conceivable skims the surface, but at least it's a ddC dideoxycytidlne the reactionary big-wig, quickly pop Bob Dole—or Jesse Helms, or who¬ topic surround¬ composition. Dead is adventurous. You don't ddl dideoxylnosine your "trigger pill." Any large awk¬ ever—made me sick. INingTHIS,AIDSthehassecondbeendecadecovered.of beginning. Noble EBV Epsteln-Barr virus ward pill likely to get caught on the While my target would get a cer¬ gay men. Pitiful AIDS chil¬ Surprisingly, being dead has its get out a lot, so if you're lucky dren. Transfusion cases. Freak het¬ HIV human immunodeficiency way down is good for this role. I tain amount of sympathy, I think he advantages. If it hasn't happened be¬ enough to go clubbing, don't be sur¬ erosexual transmission. fore, (or immunotropic) virus find the double-strength Bactrim would also come in for a great deal Hopeful your name will finally get into prised if people react to you differ¬ tablet treatment HPV human papilloma virus ideal—its large chalky bulk of ridicule. And I'd not only get my options. Long-term sur¬ print. Hopefully, those who you ently. Unless you'r.e part of the very HSV herpes simplex virus and its deeply beveled edge make it sound-bite in the media, but I'd live vivors. Spiritual awakenings. Dietary leave behind won't end up sending a newly dead, you'll be preserved al¬ IIP idiopathic thrombocyto¬ almost impossible to get down. I oc¬ to appreciate it. supplements. teary 100-word blurb to the local bar ready, so you won't need to drink. Let's face facts. The reason for Besides, penic purpura casionally fantasize about the pun¬ After all, these people do make us rag that says "he went up to a higher you can't swallow. this endless stream of level of consciousness" or Dead can be KB Kaposi's sarcoma ishments its designer should face in sick, or at least impede us from get¬ necrophiliac something sexy. If someone tries to MAC Mycobacterium avium Hell—an awful sickness that could ting better or staying alive, which is journalism has nothing to do with equally moronic, but then again, you pick you up, you'll find cer¬ America's interest in or won't be in tain complex (also MAI) only be temporarily assuaged by tak¬ just as bad. Let's just spread the sick¬ pity for the any position to com¬ aspects ofyour date less stressful than before. Since NIH as far as the CDC is ing a hundred Bactrims in just one ness around a little. If my stomach HIV-positive; it has everything to do plain, will you? you're dead, so is with our insatiable Dead can be much less the virus. No more of that endless concerned, Not invented minute. Let him (or her) go hacking gets any worse I'll start attending curiosity about expensive. "safe sex Here and gagging through eternity, like I Republican campaign rallies, and painful, lingering death. Behind ev¬ Once you get over the initial ex¬ negotiation" that ends with DHL oral hairy leukoplakia do every night when I force one puke violently on the supporters of ery piece of tripe that glories in "the penses, your day-to-day maintenance you standing alone with a limp dick. PCP Pneumocystis carinii down. Buchanan, Gramm, and Dornan. invincibility of the human spirit" will go way down. You don't need to Oh sure, unless rigor mortis has set lurks the morbid eat—and in, pneumonia So I'd declaim something like I'll spray wildly and then loudly question of how you don't have to worry you'll be limp, but nobody is the about PGL persistent generalized "Senator Dole, I have a personal apologize "I'm sorry, I can't help it; (uninfected) rea'ders would com¬ your weight loss! Your medical going to get mad at you for just bills iymphadenopathy message for you from America's I've got AIDS!" and watch while port themselves in the same situa¬ disappear, and you'll be moving lying there. tion. Since most of our to a much smaller So remember—^when PID pelvic inflammatory People With AIDS" and pop the they scatter in panic. subscribers, place. you're blue, Dead is stress-free. Your career or the next time disease Bactrim—and promptly vomit a So many say, "Jesse Helms makes however, are already living out their you're hooked up to Ali-McGraw-in-the-last-reel-of- a catheter, a whole new world awaits PML progressive multifocal stomach load of vile filth on the me sick." Maybe we should put our goals are now meaningless, and any ieukoencephaiopathy creep. money where our mouth is and Love-Story fantasies, there is only relationship problems between you you. Sure it'll be different, and sure, one and TB tuberculosis Your victim will no doubt find show the world instead of just place left to let the mind wan¬ your families, friends, and lovers you'll be a corpse, but that doesn't the experience extremely unpleasant telling them about it. —M.B. der. Yes, it's time to tackle the in¬ disappear—literally overnight. Now mean it all has to be dull.

Pages Pages on my mind was meeting someone. getting lesions, or have to have an in¬ All I wanted to do was to have a few line catheter, or he notices my night Give DPN to a friend! drinks in normal (gay) surroundings. sweats when we're in bed. But, I fig¬ I had met a group of people I work ure I'll cross that bridge when I get with for drinks (who don't know I'm to it. I'm really amazed that he's Like syphilis. Diseased Pariah News never asked me. He has asked me if gay or have AIDS) in an upscale is the gift that keeps on giving. Do strait bar where all the losers in town I've been tested, and I told him that you know someone who's having a go to see and be seen—^you know I was three years ago. But, I never hard time the kind of place I'm talking about, told him the results, nor did he ask. dealing with an HIV diag¬ they're all the same. I know, I know, So, am I a shit? And, if there are nosis? Or a troubled friend. iover. or what was I doing THERE? Well, I any lawyers out there reading this, parent of someone with HIV? Buy Dear Cranky, Humpy, & Sleazy: To the editor: don't know either, which is could I gressor. GI Joe still has over 1200 T- why I get sued for doing this? I them a subscription and tell them to I two have received DPNs and cells, which pisses AIDS Barbie off! Am I a Shit? went immediately to a gay bar after¬ never thought I'd ever get any again, sit down, shut up. over love them and and get iti both, as do most of my Everybody knows what a slut GI Joe This may seem a wards. I figured I'd have one drink— he's got a beautiful dick. If a like stupid ques¬ Diseased Pariah News is low in friends. It is so two important in all of is, and how much he loves getting tion. Of course I am. But I think I tops. I was still in my suit from "twinky" defense will work, that cer¬ the fucked! Of course am even work and this handsome sodium, and is the ideal pain and sadness of AIDS to be Ken is just simply a bigger shit now than ever. young man tainly should! gift tor all able to walked over from the other side of Name and city withheld a laugh—your magazine pro¬ despondent over the whole situation. You see, I haven't told my boyfriend occasions. For "year" of DPN (well, vides that laughter. He's angry about AIDS Barbie and that I'm HIV positive. Actually, it's the bar and asked me if it was a at the reader's request four issues), send $10 (US$12 in As I said, most of GI worse than Brooks Brothers suit that I was wear¬ my friends en¬ Joe's violent sexual history, but is that. I also have AIDS Canada, US$20 elsewhere) to DPN, You answered joy DPN, except for one person. He secretly happy as he has continued to (for almost two years now) and I've ing. I promised myself there would your own question c/o Men's Support Center, P.O. Box test no sex. about whether got really pissed, as if I had written negative despite years of repeated sort of neglected to mention that be And there wasn't—for you 're a shit, but I'm these not 30564, Oakland OA 94604. We'll things, and has never spoken to exposure to GI Joe's toxic semen. also. I really meant to tell him, but three days. going to agree with you. Maybeyou me Oh I REALLY like did even forward again. Fuck him!!! But I guess it yes, we love AIDS Barbie and the right moment never presented him, but it's also something less than wonderful, but your birthday, Xnias, or is difficult for her to have taken it one REALLY awkward. I don't see how speak with that step further by get¬ itself. (Don't you hate when that Things have termingyourselfa 'shit' sympathy cards with the first issue. Kotex in her mouth. is Everybody ting a mannequin and naming her happens?) progressed WAY beyond the point going to help you do any better in the As always, please don't subscribe for wanted to borrow where I could my DPNs until I Polly Portacath. She has a hospital I never thought I would ever date just casually say "Oh, future. I'm more inclined to discuss more than one year at a time, as the * finally got sick of it and now I just bed and I've fixed up the spare anyone by the way, I forgot to tell you..." I your experience with the goal oflearn- bed¬ again in my life. My lover of future is tell room for ten should have told him mysterious. everyone to get their own damn her, where she is very years died two years ago, and I long before ingfrom it, rather than concentrating now. on how subscription. happy and well cared for! All of my was diagnosed one month later. But, I'm thinking about not awfulyou are. I saw in It sounds like your interview with Larry friends bring their mannequins over Within a month I was on chemo¬ telling him at all. It's not like I'm en¬ you've had safe sex, Kramer that on and I have to commend you don't get enough Sunday afternoons for a support therapy for malignant lymphoma, dangering him because we only have you for that. feedback. By the way, we hate Larry group and potluck dinner, and then had no hair and started to lose what safe sex (if you can even call it sex). But—didyou in effect lie to him when and do not feel indebted to that we trade drugs. would eventually be sixty pounds (I He has made it a point to tell me on you said you'd been tested but didn't cretin at all. As a matter more one mention the result? That's hard to of fact, we DPN has gotten us through some wasn't fat to begin with). I thought than occasion that he is say; feel he is in debt to I wasn't there at the time. everyone who gloomy times, and has our imagina¬ that would be pretty much it for the negative and gets tested every six was ever tions months. In You 're poisoned by that toxic drug working overtime. I'm sure you dating scene. I never guessed that fact, he wants me to fuck definitely not alone. Most of us have AZT, so we hope that scathing fag¬ will be hearing more from me and two years later I would have been him (with a rubber), but I won't do regrets ofone kind or another got burns in hell. I can relate to not maybe my cheap-ass friends will get alive, much less had gained all the it. I'm really surprised he's not sick about how we've handled these sorts of their own of it situations. getting any feedback because I put subscriptions. weight back, grown all my hair back by now because the sex is really Being saddled with tough out a client newsletter for an AIDS Joe Irvin and look perfectly healthy. Since I boring. I know I am—but it's not choices is part ofthe special horror of project that has two hundred clients, Springfield, Missouri finished chemotherapy and radiation like I have a choice. I've even man¬ the HIV experience. and I P.S. I would love to When I rarely get any feedback at all— be your cen¬ therapy, I have only had one minor aged to hide my pharmacy when he first found out about my it is very frustrating! terfold boy, but I took your advice to case of PGP and one minor incident comes over. I'm in constant fear that serostatus, Ifigured it would scare We love AIDS I've left Barbie, we are en¬ get fat and not die!! of shingles. I haven't even had a cold something out in plain people awayfrom meforever—and in vious of her beautiful lesions! We since last September! I had almost sight—a pill bottle, a doctor bill, a some cases, I was right. One "friend" think that she probably got the virus Our Ken and G.I. Joe have their forgotten I was ever sick! DPN, etc. ofabout ten years told me hefelt I was from secret own too her sexual liaisons with stories to tell (see the back cover of When I walked into the bar that I know this will only work until I much ofa health hazard to be wel¬ GI this have to come at his house Joe, who is a long term non-pro- issue). —Ed. night two months ago, the last thing go to the hospital, or start any more. Yes, it took

Page 7 "I regret to say that m at the FBI are powerless to act in the case of oral-genltal Intimacy, uniess it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." —J. Edgar Hoover Pages a while before I started tofeel comfort¬ crying-jag, seronegative survival you, not at you or for you. {Huh?— able tellingpeople I waspositive. guilt. I relish the snotty sarcasm, Ed.] Continue to rag long and hard GET From FAT. don't die! my own informal observa¬ bitchy cultural critiques and ex¬ and deep on our methods (we like it A Love Letter to Newt tions, Fd say that most people become tremely fuckable centerfold boys you like that), but don't ever doubt our more open about their serostatus with manage to pack into every issue— motives. {Huh?—Ed?\ Hill Hrent, ilic csiecmecl editor ot Black Shceii, novo chat the time. It's partly a kind oflaziness; it's when you can be bothered to pull [5] Of course you'll want to print vciy act (d too much trouble to reading our recipes gives him heart- keep it secret. your dicks out ofwhatever holes you this erudite essay as a letter to the ed¬ hy Paul Walker hurii. Well, Hill, this one's lor voii. I also learned that it's are pointless to stuffing them into long enough itor. Go right ahead, but don't even ask people to promise not to tell anyone to publish. (For now I'm ordering think about one of your oh-so-pre- Patricia Mae's about my serostatus. They'll promise, back issues; do me and I'll sub¬ dictable, pissy, last-word, hack-me- Most Revoiting Oysters but they don't really mean it. scribe.) You publish out of Oakland, to-shreds editor's notes! I used to be 1 quart avocado oil (palm kernel oil Only a couple people have ever California, I understand. a can journalist, buddy. I fuck with or coconut oil will do in a asked me pinch) about how and when I tell As just one symbol of my affec¬ your mail, ruin what little credit rat¬ sex partners about tion, you know I am. (You mentioned in being positive. I will notice that I photo¬ ing you have left, and/or get you '/j cup heavy cream think lots of people are curious to copied my order blank to keep intact signed up for every damn music and your ad that you are involved 2 cups hrcatl crumbs most book club there is. If with know, but ofthem think it's too my copy of issue No. 9. you want a cat Congress. If you know any 2't pinnip, shucked oysters personal a question to ask. So, herein, some friendly advice. fight, bitch, you'll get one. Congresspeople, maybe you can drawn bullcr The situation seems to be uncom¬ Bend with over, this won't hurt a bit. affection, encourage them to stop pussyfoot¬ Get out the fry daddy and heat the fortable for you—if I were in your [Ij More pics of cocks, preferably Casey Miller ing around with those sick people. I avocado oil. If you're using a stove- shoes, I'd tell him soon. Asyou pointed close-ups of nice, firm, erect ones Dallas, Texas mean, if you stop funding them, top, heat the oil until just short of Dear Stud Master Leather out, the longeryou wait, the stickier it dribbling semen. Get your centerfold P.S. I'm not originally from they'll all die out soon enough and smoking, rhoroughlv heat the eggs no one will have to and add the cream. 1 gets. I know, picking the right moment and Page Two boys hard before you Texas, but I'm fitting right in, don't Daddy Newt (Boxholder 1600): worry about )ip the (tssters in can a In the hatter, be bitch. Just when he's about to take their pictures. Better yet, shoot you think? response to your personal ad them.) dredge iti the hread crurnhs, and deep fry until a golden come isprobably not the best time. them shooting. ISO submissive life partner, you are But, my beautiful Master Newt, I brown. I^raiti atid serve with tlrawn the man of If he does sue you, please let us [2] Hire and pay me a ridicu¬ Thanksfor the, uh, kind words. my dreams. I will do any¬ finally knew you were meant for me httrter l

Pages Page 10 6ET FAT, don't die! cash to the grocer, and capture is Breakfast, though they often ran unlikely. Some towns offer pan¬ out of the chocolate flavor. The What's in a name? handling vouchers that socially re¬ best deal of all are groups like sponsible citizens may give to Project Open Hand, which delivers beggars, with similar redemption hot dinners for a sliding fee scale. Despite adages to the conirart", we all restrictions. These too may be ex¬ Open Hand, in turn, relies on the judge books by their covers. changed for cash at a discount. charity of grocery stores and restau¬ Accordingly, there are seemingly no limits The USDA also makes surplus rants. The drawback is ground people will go to in the pursuit of making that all-impor¬ food available. "Surplus" food re¬ round, and lots of it. Where there's The tant first impression, [.oaitian has Weil-Fed sults from farm subsidies, where the ground round, there's meatloaf. always mattered: btisinesses and Fed buys huge quantities of agri¬ Not just any meatloaf, but hearty people routinely go out. of their cultural to meatloaf Cajun meat- staples keep farm prices proven9al, way to secure impressive-sounding stable. In abundant years most of loafettes, or teriyaki meatloaf addre.sse.s and phone numbers. these foodstuffs end up in the land¬ kabobs. They do try, and at least With the advent of the Internet fill, but some are graciously doled it's not Hamburger Helper. as the universally acknowledged Welfare Queen out to the poor. Whole milk winds Important Place To Be, the rush is on lor up as surplus cheese and butter, but Land of the cost-conscious catchy-sounding doviain >uimtfs -email sometimes powdered milk can be shoppers .analogues of had. I've tried all three on several place names. Alter all, there are only .St) manv cute, short, memorable occasions, and let me tell you that The world of the checkout line of the names to go around. .Speculators arc- gutter, but hey, it was free. money left to buy medication, or the first two are really grody. I can't is more complicated than the bread that snapping up domain names, hoping Poverty means holes in your Meanwhile, a downtown grocery you can go out for cappucino help but imagine some defense line. The most obvious "savings op¬ to sell the to some socks. store was kind with friends. rights them day Poverty means keep¬ enough to gently contractor rendering the milk be¬ portunity" is the coupon. (Why am Ibr whatever the market will bear. stack crates of bruised and therefore Food tween orders for I even ing unsavory company in the stamps are one of the first napalm or nerve bothering to mention so ba¬ By convention, Internet domain unsellable free sic and universal an item? Because waiting room of the public apples and pears next to things that come to mind. gas. The dry milk, on the other names lor l.'.S businesses usualK' end health clinic. At its worst, the These are are a proverbial dumpster, no messy coupons minted by the hand, is okay and makes a good there few things you might in .corn (lor "commercial"). It we at U. S. poverty means picking diving required. Unlike the cornu¬ Department of Agriculture, nutritional supplement. Similarly, not have heard of.) Beware, DPN really careil about getting our¬ IS AN UGLY THING. redeemable for food items the Fed-bread should be avoided if selves a POVERTY cans through garbage for dinner. copia in the gutter, I had to wade only— coupons are devices to sell a prod¬ cla.s.sy Internet adtlress, we've with no booze or tobacco. To receive Although I've never actually my fellow indigents for these at all possible, but the bulk flour is uct, not to promote your welfare. already missed a lew opportunities, food aids.corn and gone dumpster diving, there have goodies. stamps at no charge, you must usually just like the store-bought Too many people fail to ask them¬ dpn.corn were taken been a few times in These be in 1995 (the latter my life when I days I'm fortunate, my really poor. For the less-than-re- item. selves, "Do I really use instant belongs to a .sstft- ware came close. One last company iti fas Vegas), impoverished employer's long-term disability ally-poor, food stamps may be pur¬ Next comes good old-fashioned mashed potatoes?" If so, do you death.com was chased at a regisrered in "9''t. episode was (of course) during col¬ plan keeps me from wondering discount, say $75 buys charity. If you have problems ac¬ regularly use the deluxe variety, where Although nothing shocks us, we lege, when I was a starving student my next meal is coming you $100 worth. It turns out that cepting handouts from blue-haired which is probably what the coupon must say we are irnpre.ssed by the at the from. most us are University of California at Nevertheless, keeping fed of less than less-than- is for. a elderly ladies, remember that ac¬ Obviously, 25off brand domain-narne-grabbing spree- Santa Cruz. The town is sur¬ and well-nourished is a serious issue that costs really-poor, and can't get food- cepting a donation with dignity is $1.00 more than what Procter and Gamble w-ent on ear¬ rounded for all by agricultural communi¬ pariahs on a limited or non¬ stamps at all. One can, however, as gracious an act as giving it. you normally buy is no bargain. lier this year. In Augusr of 1995, ties, existent income. In the and big trucks laden with fresh following buy food stamps from someone General purpose poor-pantries usu¬ It is possible to subvert the sys¬ P&G registered headache.com, roi- who does receive produce would lumber through. pages, I'd like to discuss ways of them, for as little ally cough up the products of their tem and direct the greed back to its letp.ipcr.com. diarrhea.eom, ami On as 20€ on the dollar. You can now who knows how lucky days, the trucks would stretching your food dollar by a va¬ canned food drives, which can source. You see, not only does the many other valu¬ roll over able bumps on a poorly main¬ riety of methods, be they moral, go to bed with a full tummy, and seem a little bland after a while. For store get reimbursed from the man¬ pieces of electronic real estate. tained block of lor those who want to stake their Highway One, amoral, or immoral. You get to de¬ your client now has the hard cash a better deal, some AIDS organiza¬ ufacturer for the face value of the where the cide what's best for claims, plenrv of fun domain names open carts would lose a you. necessary to score those forbidden tions offer a weekly bag of groceries coupon, but a small handling fee is few and self-destructive are still tip lor grabs. Most FIIV- pounds of green beans, carrots, cigarettes and more to pro¬ as store likely include fresh paid well. Therefore, the related OI names are still unclaimed or What's for free? booze. Needless to maybe tomatoes. This same say, this has duce and milk. The American has little incentive to look very block was on the both (hairv-leukoplakia.com ami shin- way to school, so legal and karmic conse¬ Cancer Society here in San closely at the coupons submitted. If gles.com. lor example.) Go ahead - ■ I Free is a nice Francisco has been known to got to check it nearly every day. A thing for a welfare quences. On the other hand, food give you wait for the total to be rung be¬ be the first one on sour blockl little |it|||i|||||||g|:||||i|||i|i||iiiiiia||||ji^ dirty after being scooped out queen. Free means there's enough stamps are nearly as fungible as out cases of Carnation Instant fore handing over your coupons.

Page 11 Page 12 the checker is unlikely to verify that point out that you can go a step About DPN... they match the items purchased. further and dent your own cans. Obviously this won't keep you fed This is done by placing the side of Ij>4^J!.044. Qeci for free, since even the densest the can against the edge of the gro¬ The issue of DPN you hold in your checker is likely to notice the dis¬ cery shelf and leaning on it. hot was little hands designed using parity between a fistful of coupons Appearing to read the label of said should be written in large letters private lives of experimental animals nothing but the next-to-latest digital and a small bag of groceries. something held in your other hand National Institutes of Health over the door of every church: outside the laboratory. publishing technology. That's right, Warning: do not attempt this with will camouflage this action. Leave are at it again. some "important if true." Second, the NIH scientists have we haven't Through upgraded our equipment any coupons bearing a bar code. the can behind, and it appears in clever clevergenetic rascalsmanipulations,at Here are a few of the considera¬ confused sexual behavior with sexual since the Those last the Issue, and with the fast- The checker may not the next be keep track, bargain bin the day. they have managed to create queer tions that seem to have slipped by the orientation—a forgivable lapse, espe¬ but the laser scanner will. One last moving nature of the computer Similarly, breaking the cellophane fruit flies. Or fruit fly fruits. NIH. cially if they've been watching much industry (and our leisurely publish¬ coupon idea. Writing an obsequious wrapping of a steak will cause the Whatever. First, there was no pre-test to de¬ daytime television. But males who letter of beef to turn an ing schedule) that means everything appreciation to the manu¬ alarming color What Drs. Ward Odenwald and termine the sexual orientation of the copulate with males are not necessar¬ we have is now old hat and thus no facturer of around the rent. It's your favorite items may actually grey, Shang-Ding Zhang of the NIH did flies before the genetic alteration. ily homosexuals, just as males who longer worth but it often looks was describing in detail. get you some thank-you coupons green when sur¬ transplant a gene that causes the Sure, they may have behaved hetero- copulate with females are not neces¬ But—we're stilt techno-weenles that are more rounded generous than the by the normal red of the normally red eyes of fruit flies to come sexually, but there could be any num¬ sarily heterosexual (especially on day¬ and we ones unsullied just love It when contributors you find in the papers. portion. It too will end out white. By making the alteration in ber of causes for that, such as religious time television). submit us to electronically. We can Another savings opportunity re¬ up in the discount area. Warning: male embryonic cells, Drs. To be truly homosexual, accept Mac or DOS floppies (plain volves around slightly damaged do not use this cost cutting tech¬ Odenwald and Zhang produced fruity flies must demonstrate ASCII files If possible) and most packaging. Americans really like nique with any other meat besides adult male fruit flies with re¬ other characteristics, like color- kinds of tape (check with us before their consumer goods to look beef. I was never able to figure out duced serotonin in their tiny lit¬ coordinating their wardrobes to sending tapes). Email Is cool; we're pretty, and as a result, only the how my friends had the time to do tle brains and reduced interest in match their eyes. Not just [email protected]. Japanese spend more on packaging this surreptitious sabotage, pur¬ copulating with females in their buzzing that famous "love song," If you don't have a computer, than we do. When the cost of the chase the deflowered merchandise tiny little dicks. but arranging it for TTBB cho¬ But rus with don't despair—you can write your box exceeds that of the contents, the following day, go to classes full- they still exhibited a piano and flute accom¬ keen interest in articles with a crayon and we'll use it's not surprising that a dented time and do homework. The clos¬ giving a flying paniment. Forming political fuck. action committees. 'em If we like 'em. If at all possible, container translates as a serious loss est I have come to this is to carry a According to a report on Bickering. the research don't send anything that you really of value. Dented cans may end up small pen-knife and cut off the un¬ by Larry Thompson Finally, though the Time re¬ need to have returned, and as al¬ being marked half-off, while the wanted stems from produce like published in Time magazine, port is considerably more frank when the altered male and unal¬ about the sexual behavior of in¬ ways—please be patient. We're all contents are unaffected. (Dented broccoli or asparagus. tered female fruit flies were re¬ vertebrates than Time usually is dying, demented, or lazy (or possibly cans are not an indication of bo¬ Finally, there's the new secular leased into about the sex lives of species all three). tulism. However, beware of cans temple of the nineties, the bulk- gallon-sized glass jars, the males would closer to homo, there is still an The editors would like to thank all that are bulging.) A torn box or food or warehouse store. These ignore the fe¬ males. Instead, they would "link exasperating lack of detail. The those who helped make DPN #10 crushed corner is also benign, since places are great if you have a small up end-to-end in big circles or only sexual activity reported is possible: Daniel Sao (your token op¬ the product probably has an inner warehouse of your own to stow in that the males "link pressed non-parlah of color), KIra these long, winding rows that look up end-to- bag to maintain freshness. bulky treasures, otherwise for¬ end." If this is indeed their like winged conga lines. As the buzz beliefs (especially those professed by only sexual Od (awesome cover and p. 36 illus¬ Sometimes you can do better than get it. I go to Costco every week of the characteristic fruit fly 'love their parents), peer pressure, the desire activity, it exhibits a remarkable lack trations, KIra), Jay Moman, Steve scrounge the reject pile of your just for the amazingly cheap gallons song' fills the air, the males repeatedly to have children, and a lack of spon¬ of inventiveness, once again arguing Wilson, Sasha Vodnik, and of course local store and go to a place that of Odwalla orange juice. The tubs lurch forward and rub genitals with taneity engendered by having beings against the altered males being truly all who submitted material—Irre¬ specializes in dented cans, crushed of frozen lasagna do well for parties, the next ones in the line." 300 times their size peering at them homosexual. However, the formation spective of whether it wound up in boxes, lopsided labels, and estheti- and the meat, well, half a cow will Eh voila, say the Docs, we have through the walls of an enormous of "conga lines" is, perhaps, suffi¬ this issue or not. cally challenged produce. More¬ fit in the refrigerator somehow. created gay flies. An interesting con¬ glass jar. ciently retro to argue otherwise. "No Place Like Hume" and "Fun over, you get the thrill of seeing Lately, the one bulk item I have no clusion since a similar gene exists in The importance of this last factor In short, the National Institutes of With Buddy's Meds" are from the se¬ items that are encoun¬ trouble normally using up by the pallet is toi¬ human beings. should not be overlooked. For all we Health have again proven the ability ries "The Buddy Poems" by Leslea tered in restaurant a let paper, only the trade; whose household scarcity There is an important caveat that know, these flies were all a bunch of of government funded basic research 20 can a is Newman, author of Heather Has Two lb. of kiwi fruit makes to my to directly proportional de¬ one should keep in mind when read¬ flaming queens, but were simply be¬ provide opportunities for scientists Mommies and other good stuff. memorable housewarming present. clining T-cells. Bon appetit. ing about research like this. It's the ing discreet (or possibly Republican). and lay persons alike to exercise and A —B.T. couple of my college buddies same caveat George Bernard Shaw Virtually nothing is known about the validate their prejudices.

Page 13 Page 14 make a mental note: "Write an extra things that are opportunistic. Even generous check to them this month in the non-profit AIDS world, GET FAT don't die! and ask if members of the Board of you've got thousands of people with Governors have to attend meetings." expense accounts traveling to this That would be her way in—she was conference or that symposium. "It's Jeffer Mae's sure of it. All of the prestige and a good thing," he'd say. "The bigger Black Eyed Peas Inkblots none of the fuss. There was just so the business, the more seriously the 1 much else to do. issue is taken. If it's taken more seri¬ large yellow otiion, chopped 2 or 3 minced shallots When she stopped working, she ously, they'll find a cure that much ' by Glenn Gaylord cup chopped celery thought her life would down— quicker. And if not, well at least it slow 1 pound of cooked ham. cut into but, really, there aren't enough hours provided jobs for a lot of people." half-inch cubes during the day to get it all done any¬ He's secretly terrified that some¬ choppedparsley more. "How did I ever work and do body will find out that he's really crackedpepper all this?" she pondered. And then— HIV negative. His name has been dash cayenne just as she thought, she checked her synonymous with AIDS for so long, teaspoon thyme '/2 watch, muttered something about a it would wreck his career. But with teaspoon sage (optional) Women in Film luncheon, looked in all the travelling back and forth be¬ 2 eans hluck-eyed peas the mirror to straighten her Chanel tween the two coasts, he looks just 1 lc;it the olive oil in a skillot. Aild the suit, and she was out the door. "I'll to pass. haggard enough all the time onion, shallots, celery, ham. and see you at the Walden Pond thing He's got each public appearance spiee.s. Same until onion.s are translu¬ on timed down to the millisecond. When she hears the word AIDS, when you're sporting a dramatic and to that Celebrity Rollerblading Sunday!" I guess I should have cent. Stir in black-evecl peas and sim¬ told her that this was Enter, smile, meet and greet, say a mer lor 2^ minute.s and salt to taste. she thinks of shoulder pads. backless Valentino gown. Anyhow, Tournament. Everyone was a little Sunday Heal the sure few words about bureaucracy, red I'his down-home dish can be she didn't travel in those circles. puzzled, except for Denzel of course, Bay, but I'm she'll look fab¬ ulous either way. tape made more authentic (and maybe less Men with lesions could not usually who gave her a big hug. The picture and homophobia, read that old chestnut AIDS poem in approachable) by the addition oi another fund-raising event. afford $10,000-a-plate dinners, and of the two of them did turn up in tucked his When he hears the word AIDS, he breast shredded cabbage or mustard green. Who is it this time. Liza? if they could, they at least had the the following day's METRO section. pocket (the blue hairs always Vou can also swap your fas'orite cajun Barbra? Bette? She The helmet and the elbow thinks of frequent flier miles. weep), smile again, meet the press, hopes decency to cover them up with a pads seasoning mis tor the spices listed. the record a few PSAs, on to the next suits won't go on for light foundation. made her look so sporty, and her so¬ Another fabulous outfit, Another hand to shake, another too long about how many bags of Don't get her wrong. She thinks cial calendar went bonkers for a meeting. Whew, is he exhausted! But it's groceries the money raised will AIDS is a terrible disease, and she while. And boy did the quality of the game of phone tag. The Conference going to pay off some day. Even Biffy Mae's on if they don't cure AIDS, resume Deforestation Salad provide...it would cut into the wouldn't wish it upon anybody. benefits improve after that. Cancer. Differently Abled Lesbians of his entertainment factor. "AIDS is Color Facing Early Life Traumas will shine like a beacon. bad, AIDS is bad," she's Multiple Sclerosis. And the creme de /-.(ltddespunm olive oil and AIDS-related Dementia was a He learned She does been known to mutter under her la early on that it's more get all misty-eyed when creme, the Screen Actor's Guild 1 uaspoon hiilsaraic vincgir little on the she thinks about a disappointing side. After important to offend as few people as poor Halston. breath like loopy mantra from Retirement Fund! She got to meet all crackedpepper all, where were the on to accom¬ Although she didn't know him well, Mister Rogers' neighborhood. She of her old favorites. What was it like workshops possible than it is actually I head romuinc lettuce, shredded she did chat him up at a benefit once just doesn't like those vocal few who working with Dana Andrews? Was Transgendered Visually-challenged plish anything. Of course, he does grated asiiioo orpanuesan cheese Asian Pacific Islanders with KS? But tend to get snippy with his subordi¬ I can hearts oj and talked about kitchen utensils, would interrupt a speech or throw Thelma Ritter really as nice they said palm nates. He's a master at ^ on slowing down cup tonstcdpine nuts good framing shops, that sort of blood church steps. After all, she's she was? Are you still in touch with boy does Boston shimmer during the fall season—and he did the was so sure the get to press process by tripping people up on thing. "He charming!" she'd al¬ big THEY out there—that Mickey Rooney? Whisk olive oil and the flesh of a few semantics. vinegar until ways say terms. Oh key CEOs. They're not gay; they're in hushed, reverential comforting gang of government offi¬ yes, back to that AIDS thing! mEed. l oss iti the lettuce. It's not like it used to be: AIDS, men who have sex with men. Sprinkle Other than that swift brush with cials and researchers—are even once to They're doing their They asked her sit svith pepper to with a few not "AIDS Patients;" and grated cheese fame, she never knew best to find a cure. on the Board of Directors at a grass roots organizations they're people any other taste. Drain the palm hearts and cut in a few as to no, living with HIV disease or people liv¬ "AIDS Victims" she is known And she does give generously and prominent AIDS Organization. One queer-heavy cities. No, inics k'i-inch piece.s. lop the bed ol no—there was money to be made ing with AIDS. It's not "alternative call them. Oh sure, she'd hugged the goes to all the major events. And, she catered meeting a month and free lettuce with palm slices atui toasted now. "Check Wall Street!" he'd say. therapy;" it's occasional baby at a Pediatric AIDS puts on her studded Red Ribbon pin tickets to all the fundraisers. She pe¬ complementary therapy. pine nuts. ( To toast pine nuts, heat "It's alive!" Nutritional at They're not "bisexuals;" they're mul- them in an imoiled skillet htr about event—"The real innocents," she'd every single one of them—except rused her calendar and couldn't be¬ supple¬ ments. Pharmaceuticals. 5 rninuio, say. But it's hard, and perhaps risky, for the time she got her dates mixed lieve that, yes, she really was too busy Hospitals. tiply-ahled, choice-enhanced, sexually- stirring con^tantly.) Condoms. Infections aren't the so on. to embrace a gay man with lesions up and wore the purple ribbon to make such a commitment. She'd only stratified entities. And

Page 15 Page 16 The sound bite heard round the MGBG. MAG. HTLV-III. IV concentrating too hard, I also think of world. A witness for the elocution. HPMPC. unbelievable courage. The ability of a Jack of all tirades. Nothing got done, I think of water-based lube with man to proudly swim in a public pool A.J. lives in Sacramento, the capital but he used the word while covered with "perspicacious" nonoxynol-9. Nonoxynol-9—it all KS. I think of the of the golden state of Catifornia, where and that counts for some something, sounds like science fiction optimism on the face of the woman he enjoys the confluence of the delta, doesn't it? series. in the "Be Here For The Cure" T- the legislature, and the country-western The I think of shirt who can funny thing is... he's lost 45 pills a day, side ef¬ barely cross the street. scene. A.J. likes animals and he's countless friends to AIDS. In fact, I fects, and more I think of pills to combat the physicians who give happily married (but we'll forward your heard his lover isn't doing very well. side effects. I think of lives cut short. their home phone numbers and love letters to him anyway). Other than You'd think there would be more I think of wasted opportuni¬ beeper numbers to patients, who those interesting tidbits, he prefers to ties... and mixed break the onto urgency in his voice—if not his messages. HIV is rules and sneak them remain the mysterious stranger. actions. Maybe he's just resigned. harmless—it's AZT that's killing us. trials, or hand them experimental Maybe he's numb. Maybe he feels No, HIV is multiplying in our drugs under the table. I think of the there's AIDS service worker who won't hes¬ nothing left to do except lymph nodes even as we speak and And what about you? Ifyou'd tilact up. fight think of ticking clocks. Of another sputum samples, and arterial blood back. silence=death. action^life. day gone by. Of another day without gas. Reverse transcriptase and pro¬ nobody knows i'm Hiy+. Wouldn't a cure. And another day without tease and lesions on a face. Dried-out it be great to have one that said, "i hope. vVnd then another day with mouths and sores. I think of men, got aids and all i got was this hope. And then another day goes by. women, children, teenagers. lousy t-shirt?" I think of clinical trials with im¬ When I think ofAIDS, I think of When she hears the word AIDS, possible restrictions. Too many T- the disappointment on faces when she thinks of shoulder pads. cells. Not enough T-cells. Pregnant? thelab work comes back... "Notas we No way. AZT for six months. Never had hoped. "I think of the people sit¬ When he hears the word AIDS, been on ddl. Double blind. Probably ting at home as their lives close in on he thinks of frequent flier miles. a placebo. Can't tell what the drug is. them. Being alone. Being afraid. I think of acronyms up the wa- Being afraid of being alone. When I hear the word AIDS, zoo. PCR. KS. PCP. ACTG. But sometimes, when I'm not I think of diarrhea.

Page 17 Page 18

Kiss

Oh my goodness, graceless me! Oh my goodness, graceless me! "No girl did that," the kid in my class said. when I have to separate you," so we went More than a grunt, How could I have been True enough, but I was marked from Sneakers to Ty's to Boots and Saddles, less than an "I'm there." so thoughtlessly reckless? Fun With Buddy's Meds in other ways. I didn't need the all the same stories, another beer, another kiss It another appears my warning (Gasp!) What a gift - International, the RamRod, Man's kiss, another kiss, my neck in love, was quite less than fair. an unwanted pearl necklace. Country. Lips, honey, lips are the way blushing. Pour them all the way down when you A shot in the mouth, Don't know his name. into a jar and shake it can't see in the ruck, though he has just "What do you want to do," he asked the rest in the air, Won't remember his face. to a Tito Puente tape lit his lighter so you can see and weighing the D train versus the alley, Another trick dancing streams leaping unworthy Buddy always liked a Latin beat what you can't see though you know it's there the choices stiffening and my head spinning round across face and hair. of even diary space. because your knees are cold and he's his tongue, his tongue, String them one of the few who said a word: take that tongue back home Thru Levolor blinds After uttered into necklace & sets apologies earring "People are so impersonal here," he says, and my neck, oh my neck please I can't take it by pale moon of night, and and wear them to a hurriedly dressed drag ball unzipping, placing his hand on your head with my hand on his head he's showered in sees nectar, he me out politely, Buddy did love to accessorize and when he's done he's off. working real hard bathed in nausea milky light. barely suppressed. and at work the next are more tongues Feed them day there "I saw you as soon as you walked in," wagging, moving, caressing the question: A major faux pas, Sooner or later to the rats in the hall he dared me, as I did too, the tips of my fingers did he have a kiss or KS. in this room dimly lit. it will happen to you. and watch them puke all night at I entering the threads ripped the knee, —Steven H. grope for my clothes So be prepared sister, Remember Buddy's sick sense of Koenig thicker than the spare black hairs there. and spout "Go ahead, spit. know what to do! humor? Mouth in mouth, one bar stool leaning, the —Michael Scarce Line them barkeep said, "Boys, I'll let you know

up on a table take a hammer smash them

one by one by one I dance in the eyes of my Lord And the room was molten in its redness, —Leslea Newman and only I, though I dance for so many more, but held its shape and as my feet touch the coals (as is the way with divine things) and my skin the flame, by the light of a thousand whispers whispering in turn, Nn Place Like Hume only the guilt is as great as the shame best you not touch the walls, lest you adhere that wracks my unhallowed grave. screaming to the screaming metal and burn!

At a family reunion "Igot IBM at 26and a half" And the pit was black And best I found not to breach my gate, my mother serves alphabet soup The other stockbroker says, The letters HIV swim before and the room was red, for Azrael stood on the other side of my cell, my eyes "That's nothing. Igot HIVat 24 and a half." whose grasp, and demanded of me, I blink: my imagination Ha Ha pious latch eludes the for lo, I become an example to the godfearing, who am I, or a cruel cosmic joke? Ha Ha Ha an exhibit in their cathedral of the damned to be Speaking of cruel jokes wandering about so freely, Buddy did not die within the confines of hell? my cousin has one: laughing One stockbroker says to the other —Leslea Newman —BeowulfJ. Thorne

Page 21 George McGovern: Happily married for 50years. Newt Gingrich: Once divorced. Page 22 meat specials" who take up space call for badges denoting residency weight you might easily underesti¬ in the Rolodex only to die on you in hospices, since—as with roach mate just how far gone I am. in a couple of months. So tacky, so motels—many check into them but But a careful study of my OIMBs 01 inconvenient! few check a would out.) If novel drug was quickly reveal my obscenely We can take much of the guess¬ taken under experimental circum¬ low T-cell count (17 at last testing), work out of progression estimation stances, this warrants the addition of the fact that I've had PCP, peripheral by the issuing of Opportunistic a guinea pig ribbon to the badge. neuropathy, MAC, wasting syn¬ Infection Merit Badges. Similar to Finally, the whole patch of drome, cryptococcal meningitis, and Me r the service badges worn by military badges should be topped by an herpes, and that I've taken every i t nucleoside personnel, which to the educated eye adjustable T-cell marker, which gives analogue known to man. reveal where and when the soldier the latest count. Truly cutting edge This would allow those who want to served, or the merit badges awarded PWAs can list their most recent fawn over or avoid me to act accord¬ to Boy Scouts, the OIMBs will branch DNA viral load test results. ingly, and avoid the frustration of document their wearer's status at a The outcome will be an array of mistaken acquaintanceship. es glance. badges and ribbons which tell In those arenas where the A number of potential badges are the educated viewer, at a state of HIV progression is Badg held to correlate provided for the use of you or your glance, just how pro¬ highly friends. Cut out the attached badge gressed your HIV disease with Political Correctness designs, color them in, and mount is. It will particularly (a phenomenon I don't them on pins or buttons. The well- useful for health care fully understand) an im¬ heeled may choose to mint fancy, providers, who instead of pressive array of OIMBs a trouble at 500 T-cells, "long-term survivor" be¬ bejeweled versions of the standard taking lengthy histories will will be your passport to claim that can cause we were the ones others zero them out they easily pins, just as some prefer diamond- instead be able to briefly study public worship. "My god, a who looked like death without ever recognize "the look"—those encountering studded variations of the ubiquitous a PWA's array of service yard's worth of badges and subtle warmed over. Of course, an OI signs of wasting that you (though I suspect this is red ribbon. ribbons, badges, etc. For he's still alive!" they'll reveal the to more rare); some retain hundreds ravages of HIV to only had last than We encourage the use of multiple example, even casual ob¬ mutter. We encourage the a OGH/ of T-cells for sharp-eyed observer— year in those days to be years, while badges to portray multiple bouts of servation of me clearly re¬ unrepentant HIVers to even in PWAs who've counted as a others lose them all hardly "long-term" the same illness. For example, if veals some of the ravages get their OIMBs today— are some people who survivor. within a few months of Thereat a progressed all. They claim that Nowadays there you've had several rounds with PCP, of AIDS, but if you never show the whole world just certain hollowness of the cheeks is are PWAs who've weath- it infection. it would be appropriate to wear a knew my "pre-morbid" how sick you really are! definitive, even when the ered more bouts of PGP f The exact person in¬ degree of copy of that badge—a stylized "flat —M.B. volved than a is, overall, quite healthy. dog has fleas, and progression can be a mat¬ tire" icon—for each encounter. Of I don't ter of buy it. An early stage they don't necessarily look great importance while course, badges should be displayed in HIVer any just doesn't look different any worse off than the aver¬ cruising. Many HlV-nega- proper sequence. Ifyou had a spell of than an uninfected tives won't have person. Consider age suburbanite (who have anything PCP, then the onset of KS, and then the "Advera a subtle "look" of their to guy," the studly hunk do, sexually or roman¬ another bout of PCP, this should be who models in the ads for the other¬ own, as distinctive in its tically, with an HIVer. documented with a PCP badge, then wise obnoxious food own And some HIVers won't supplement be¬ way as the HIV one portraying the KS leopard, and date ing marketed to PWAs. Maybe it's look). negatives at all, to finally another PCP marker. the All this makes it harder avoid tiresome debates magic of modern photography, If an OI is particularly unusual or but careful examination of the ads to over judge at a glance just how safety and, in the case complicated, its badge may be sup¬ fails to reveal even the of infection, blame. Some slightest hint "progressed" a given HIVer is. plemented with extra ribbons or of "the look" to The shortcut to this is to find out HIVers take my discerning eye. pride in our long his¬ stars. Of course, a studmuffin as their T-cell count—in the healthy as past I've tory of OIs, and scorn to associate Not all badges need refer to OIs. the "Advera with guy" doesn't need their suggested that PWA socials have long-term survivors who got Some will document the use of cer¬ name their nauseating concoction, but that's be¬ tags that give the wearer's most diagnosis on the basis of a tain anti-virals, and others can testify side the recent T-cell score—but this is un¬ point. single small KS lesion; others want to visits in this or that hospital or In the old reliable. Some PWAs have serious to days it was easy to spot avoid highly-progressed "dead clinic. (Presumably there will be little

Page 23 George McGovern: A loving father and grandfather. Newt Gingrich: A deadbeat dad who had to be sued for delinquent child-support payments. Page 24 baleful poems (At this drive-in! just listened and appreciated, you cent sex with my older brother patrons sell entrance to lank veins! didn't doubt. They always had dicks fBaby, you were the first..."), and a watching, from rows ofparked tables! of Paul Bunyan dimensions or per¬ love poem ending with the line, "his a panicked epic ofsting and tedium! fect asses, unless they didn't, and entrails fluttered like crazed colonists on the ceiling..!) while a pint of red- then he could be scathing: "It was at a maypole..." may have left my Clementina black blood was siphoned into a like my little and naturally he listeners glassy-eyed and speechless, My plastic pouch, taken away and sepa¬ wanted to fuck me! Jesus! It was but they got me a ride home with rated from its straw-colored plasma, like lying under a goddam sewing the handsome instructor. Jonah was and then, chilled and dense, slowly machine!" a tall, clever, bright-eyed and black- by Kevin Bentley returned to my vein at the end of an I learned about the clap. Jeff goateed poet (with a day job in icy needle. would come slamming through the accounting), and we'd been staring I gladly stopped selling plasma swinging shipping room door light¬ holes in each other since the first when I got a job at Bonanza, a forty- ing a cigarette, and seconds later class. There was something in the year-old downtown bookstore. come stomping out of the toilet: haste with which he declared his There I was taken in hand "Well, I knew it! I'm devotion to me after our first en¬ "Naughty love, to what dost thou not compel our mortal hearts? ...If it rage, it is no more Love, by Jeff dripping an gay came to counter that made me a little wary, but burning Lust, a Disease, Phrensy, Madness, Hell. 'Tis death, 'tis an immedicable calamity, 'tis Murray, older (thirty-one!) again!" When it gonorrhea, man who Jeff was as full of but the sex was a raging madness... A vehement perturbation of the mind, a monster of nature, wit, and art... quickly became my big superstition as an passionate. A couple brother, mentor, and best friend. He old peasant woman. a of our consumma¬ manfully rash, womanishly timid, furiously headlong, bitter sweet, a caressing blow...." For while he days after love's would stand behind the register box swore that fucking short, cute, bub¬ tion I was peeing through broken at Bonanza, which was raised ble-butted blonds in "In letting of blood, three main circumstances are to be considered, who, how much, whenr up five painter pants glass and oozing a nasty paste, and inches from the checkerboard guaranteed you a dose. He was cer¬ Jeff was almost teary-eyed with con¬ linoleum like a tain a cern and filial Robert Burton, The Anatomy ofMelancholy pulpit, and silently particularly virulent bout of pride. "You really like preach from The Book ofDick, rat¬ anal gonorrhea he got was directly this guy, don't you?" he said, giving ing men as they browsed the re¬ traceable to a pair of god-like Greek my shoulder a little punch. "See mainder tables beneath the faded twins he met at the Liberty Baths^—- what I told you?" and dusty day-glo orange Bargain! Gastor and Pox, he called them with That was my first time at the a years clinic, and I went down week?" someone would ask when criminations could make it sordid; pennants hanging stiffly the length grimace. Some later, im¬ nobly, suf¬ of the store, and buzzing me up to probable HIV-negative test result in fering in the throes of a new ro¬ blood between us. It started you reappeared. one belligerent black queen sweep¬ the front for anyone special. hand, he attempted to placate other mance. I squeezed my glans over a in early 1978, when I was "Glementina." ing out of a treatment room with a I'd pick up the staticy black gods by marrying a blind woman lab slide and bared my ass for two twenty-one and newly ar¬ My face would take on a grim campy, "And I say, 'Girlfriend, you intercom phone in the shipping and moving to Tahiti. thigh-numbing shots of penicillin rived in San Francisco. and rueful expression as I walked to stick that thing in me and I slap you always been hot room to hear One of that left me There's sotto voce s was Jeffs Jeff theories that if wobbly-legged and Going to the city clinic for the first the VD clinic at Clementina and 'cross this room!"' could dissolve the you tricked with someone and you dizzy. Jonah was calling to tell me time was like a straight boy's pil¬ Fourth in the cool morning air. crowd in revolutionary laughter. "Psychology—halfway down the aisle. I think I'm in love." really hit it off and you started see¬ when I got home; he'd been to his grimage to a prostitute. It was a rite Leaving behind the respectable Later, familiarity bred a kind of Jeff and I had sex a couple of ing each other, the first serious talk doctor that morning. "The city of gay manhood, you earned your financial district throngs, I'd pass nostalgia. The view I stared at from times, then he tossed me into the you were likely to have would be clinicT he said in horror. "Oh, you spurs. You took the six-inch cotton empty, chain-link fenced lots, the the windows alongside the blood deep end and returned to the hunt. when one of you gave the other the poor baby!" We couldn't wait out swab up your dick or your butt and ancient, lost-looking red brick hulk draw table as I turned away from the Each morning as we emptied the clap. To balance out my new life as the full week and were at each other the two fat hypodermics or the pills of St. Patrick's, the gaping hole that digging needle—a dry little housing a Polk Street a few a creaking book cart and dissed the slut, I'd started going days later, made insatiable by like man; you drank Calistoga for would be Moscone Center. Inside project vegetable garden, traffic, and latest bestsellers, weH compare notes to a community college poetry the chance we were taking. five days and caught up on your the nondescript stucco building and the distant houses of Potrero Hill— on the previous evening, sounding workshop one night a week at a high Jonah was also the first man I reading—and you hit the ground up a flight of stairs, the waiting became for me the landscape of like a couple of jaded tarts. school in the Marina, which was met who found it perfectly reason¬ running again by the next weekend room teemed with love's nervous hope and regret: love, at anyprice. "You trick?" peopled chiefly with bored yuppie able to profess obsessive, tormented at the 'N Touch or the Stud. It had martyrs, pacing or seated on rows of In the first moneyless weeks be¬ 'fesus—did I trick? I don't know couples, aging beats, and pert Emily love for me, while maintaining a a seedy location, the doom smell multicolored plastic chairs. fore I found a job, I'd sold plasma how I'm standing here! It had to be Dickinson wannabes. bloodless, tidy life-partner arrange¬ of Lysol and rubbing alcohol, and It had the atmosphere of a rowdy half a dozen times at a Tenderloin the biggest cock I've ever seen!" My poems about killing and eat¬ ment back at home, inviolable as a the name of a Gold Rush whore: detention hall, the mood electric, plasma center. Surrounded by red- Clementina. shameful, defiant, changeable. One eyed drunks and TV hookers, I lay Talking to Jeff about his conquests ing my father (a scenario culled sarcophagus. I'd interrupt his fever¬ was like collecting folklore—you from a newspaper clipping), adoles¬ ish post-coital endearments with the "What happened to you last angry couple screaming their re¬ on a table for two hours composing

Hev/t Page 25 George McGovern: k decorated WWII veteran. Gingrich: Didn't even serve In the National Guard. Page 26 obvious, "What about your lover?" shouted to a friend. An ill-tempered me flat a little later, and then I got a having done a clear, un¬ doctor "Oh, Martin doesn't mind. He kept growling conflicting in¬ call from the clinic telling me some¬ complicated good thing: thinks you're very attractive. structions to "spread both cheeks!" one recently diagnosed with syphilis If the vaccine worked, I Actually, he wants to have a three- and "hold the wall!" as he attempted had listed me as a contact. This might never get Hepatitis way." to shove a huge Q-tip up my tender meant that I, in turn, had to call up B and a lot of other peo¬ I finally lost my ardor for Jonah bum, and twice I went sprawling. five people and advise them to get ple could avoid it. Thus after he gave me the clap a second Several weeks later my mother blood tests, not knowing which of was born my secret su¬ time and then, following a particu¬ made her one shocked visit from these was the one who already knew. perstition: By taking part larly poignant bout of lovemaking, Texas to inspect my lifestyle, and we This included Allan, who was icy in the study, by ritually stared to longingly into my eyes and had ride down in the elevator when I called—as well as my friend letting my blood at ap¬ asked if I'd mind once urinating in his with my leering rooftop fling, Gina, who'd discovered my bisexu- pointed intervals, I staved mouth. ofwhom she unkindly remarked, "Is ality, and her ex-lover Arthur. "I off the Bad Thing. After man Jonah, my dance card at that mentally retarded?" didn't know you still did it with On my quarterly visits Clementina began to fill up. In early 1980 I fell in love with a Arthur!" I said. to the clinic, I saw the Sometimes the tickle and drip cute, stocky, bespectacled guy I'd "I probably won't after this," she shifting outline of my life would only be urethritis, or "strain;" met at a friend's work party. Allan said. limned and quantified in sometimes I'd be was the batteries of summoned, hav¬ quiet, serious, intelligent, and You couldn't escape the clinic questions ing been reported as a contact by initially very interested in me. The without a visit to the blood draw I answered: "Was the some ungentlemanly sex partner. sex. table. At some point in those early number of partners with When whom you were diagnosed with days I signed the first of an endless you had sex to or¬ gonorrhea, you had to sit in a sour series of release forms allowing gasm since your last visit little room with a counselor, .1 several extra tubes of blood to greater than ten? Twenty? Thirty? Jack and his staying well. pit and then being pulled back onto firm calendar spread out in front of be taken and tested for ex¬ Number of times you placed your Jack had had AIDS for over a ground. I you, and try to match names posure to Hepatitis B. penis in a partner's rectum? Number year when someone from the clinic signed another release form and and phone numbers up That was the beginning of times a partner ejaculated in your got in touch with me again, like an antibody tests were run on an array old lover of thawed-out with the previous ten days. of a new phase—the mouth? On average, of the three calling after years to see samples of my blood, each one further back in time. I This was seldom a how your up. simple ; Hep Study—which at days a week on which you drank life's ended The AIDS task. Cohort first coincided with my alcohol, how many drinks did you Study, it was now called, the imagined myself being siphoned In into the past every May of 1979,1 came necessary check-ups and have?" Over time my answers went strange statistical word cohort always with resuscitated stumbling home drunk one treatments for the clap, from belligerently high numbers to suggesting accomplice, or more sub- teaspoon of blood, becoming more cavort. transparent here in the present. evening and tricked with a and then, as years passed wistfully low. liminally, Now I heard for Then the the first time of that eerie vault of "Some want to previously unmet neighbor in and my STDs dwindled, Hep Study was over people don't know," the and several frozen blood at the CDC in they said. building's narrow and jerks- became the sole purpose of my years passed without my Atlanta—row "/ do. When?" elevator. We rode to the roof with walks to Clementina. Now I was going to the clinic. The AIDS upon row of vials, like our old bottles of "June 12, 1982." pants around our ankles and summoned every few months for mushroom cloud bloomed in a sort amyl lodged in the took turns when of back of the freezer, little homunculi June, 1982: I'd been pining over fucking each other in blood-taking and injections of ex¬ nightmare slow-motion. Nobody lined a bad-news up the gravel, fired up by the smoky we finally got together, was recipro¬ perimental Hepatitis B vaccine (or, I knew got VD anymore. When the up like toy soldiers on a shelf boyfriend I'd broken or ancestors a with the tumult and sirens of the HIV test in crypt, previous White cal and fully intent in a way I'd be¬ as it turned out, a placebo vaccine, debuted, I didn't rush out family only fall, running the one date on each: December 11, around with my friends Gary and Night riots at Civic Center several gun to despair of ever finding with and a year later, the real thing), and for it; I assumed I had been infected. Michael and Cina. Amid blocks sex-as- I heard about the AIDS death of 1978; June 4, 1979; my fre¬ away. the businesslike and detached going to the clinic became a kind of May 12, 1980; There was a line of men reading aerobics men I'd been meeting. I public service. The people who drew an ex-boyfriend of mine in October June 12, 1982. The person at the quent complaints about not finding of other end seemed to be a lover, I'd been having lots of sex. newspapers and drinking coffee knew enough to try and hide how my blood and took down my re¬ 1985, the night before I was to waiting for me to shriek and In the months over move leading up to that waiting for the clinic to open when I bowled I was, but I tipped my sponses to the sex-contact and drug in with my new lover. When drop the phone, but I was made hand when I too use that lover sickened a As June I had what is now termed my way there the following called him back questionnaires were friendly, re¬ year later, we only fascinated. with all the T-cell counts and P-24 "unsafe sex" with a blond dentist on week, suffering both "fore" and soon after one of our evenings, and spectful, and grateful. I'd stroll back both got tested. We were positive of Antigens test vacation from his me and Beta results since, teaching post in "aft," as clinic jargon put it. Inside, he told blunty, "If you're ex¬ to work wounded and virtuous, a course, and Jack was diagnosed with waiting for the next Saudi Arabia who admired it was like the cotton PCP. I wasn't much bothered my booking room after a pecting anything romantic, that's ball taped to the crook of my by my piece of information was out like over a straight teeth; a former high school big bust. "Did you riot?" someone of the question." He dumped arm, with the rare, warm feeling of results; all of my attention was on dangling bottomless

Page 27 George McGovern: A deacon in his church. Newt Gingrich: A lightweight poii-sci professor. Page 28 coach from Texas turned massage get the call: Your T-helper cells are ticking—I've been infected for thir¬ therapist I met sunbathing on the 1160—or 1210—or 1050 (420- teen years and baby, mine's ticking roof of Bonanza one lunch Tea Cell Dances GET FAT don't die! break; a 1250 was supposedly the normal so loud sometimes I can't hear my¬ darkly handsome French teacher range; below that you had to think self think. But I'm still healthy, at from Boston University in town to about AZT or some anti-viral) and least till the next blood results, so visit an old friend I'd Humpy-Mae's dying from "that go home to my dying lover who I'm lucky, right? And when I hear a by Howard Shapiro weird new Lentil Tomato Dal gay cancer;" a hunky, had ten we didn't talk about, newscaster refer to an HIV positive closeted, computer programmer ashamed of my selfish elation at my test result as a death sentence for the This one's with a stack of Koszinski novels be¬ easy, cheap, and way good marks. hundredth time, when the TV He answered me. And what a con¬ side his yummy. (We're talking about the bed; a skinny, wild-eyed I cried during the blood draw the movie actress screams as she learns lately! Well, to be honest, it's versationalist! soup, not Humpy-Mae.) Not the hairstylist who embarrassed me by first time I went back after her more like a drizzle. After four Strike 2! I ran downstairs to the re- Jack secretly bisexual husband has in¬ highe.st fat recipe we've printed— fected her Positive Connection dates that stroom and checked yelling, '''Give me all those little died, suddenly too aware of having a with the virus and certain myself out. Not but feel free to fix that with heav¬ Kevinsr as I fucked him; Michael, not, death, I should were less than positive, I bad for an aging 37 year old former body when he did certain grief laugh and turn away, I've been dating up a storm ily buttered toast on the side, had decided to hit the HIV Social Scene. Gary, and Gina; and, on an unex¬ peeled my gripping fingers off right? Like I turn away each time Beauty Queen! Light blue eyes! Shiny brown hair. A tan pected layover, Jeff, who was living the cliff edge of nonprogression. "I'm the needle slips in, looking for that Oy Vey! George Hamilton l4oz. can whole orground tonmtoes with a lover in I'm not one to would die for. 32 inch waist. 1 Monterey, but had sorry," Dr. Buchbinder said. "Am I housing project garden and a vista complain, but I was Big feet! large onion, chopped What come to the was on do these guys want? 2 doves city on business. hurting you?" promising the encircling arms of quite shocked by what going in That's when garlic, minced the restrooms at the Sound I decided to turn 1 Having accompanied Jack on so Then I fell in love with Richard, a lover, at the cost of a week's Factory, straight and attend tbsp. oil or ghee (clarified butter) 1993 at group an (HIV+) heterosexual social. 1 cup or many lab visits, getting stuck was who had to start AZT a few months discomfort. May 16, 7:14 P.M.! A red brown lentils of Women have 2 now after we met. guys were snorting "Bactrim" to get always found me cups water freighted for me with the seri¬ I couldn't very well ex¬ On a scale ofone to ten, one being adorable. Just my V2 tsp, ousness of a not high. Tsk! Tsk! I could hardly hear ask mother, grand¬ salt potentially terminal ill¬ pect him to say hoorayforyou when very much, and ten being a lot, I anyone coughing over the Donna mother, sister, and aunt! tsp. cumin ness. They took more blood when I my numbers came back every which high of the following do you feel is Summer "MacArthur Park" Jo-Anne (former 1 tsp. coriander went in medley. girlfriend): now, too, which took more time and his steadily dropped. responsible for your continued 2 good The music was so loud and the lights Howard was a natural in bed. tsp. parsley time and a bigger needle, Fedexing He died too. And plenty of oth¬ health? • Being a 1 basically happy were so low I felt like an HIV+ Helen Sometimes he fell asleep on me...but tsp. garam masala* it off to half a dozen studies around ers, blah blah blah. You fill in the Idi person (One) • Spirituality (Zero) Keller. he was an excellent lover! We lost our tsp, turmeric the country. I climbed up on the rest. These • ¥2 tsp. chilipowder days the Study, long ago Eating well and exercising regularly JUST KIDDING! The place was virginity April 24, 1975 on Barbara paper-covered table and lay with my relocated to plusher health depart¬ (Five) • Meditation and alternative filled with Streisand's 33rd very attractive men. It felt birthday. He could Saut^ onion and eyes ment offices on Van Ness garlic in oil in a shut. (the old therapies (Zero) • Having a living like 1979 all over again. It was time to turn a lesbian straight! There were still the sex YD clinic at Clementina's an art pot that will hold 1 Vz to 2 quarts. questions, boyfriend (Ten). mingle! Streisand: My first name is spelled which didn't take Once onion is translucent, add long to answer, gallery now), throws informational "Can you go a little longer? Howard: Hi! I'm a kvetch! How with two As! BARBRA!! and the socials where spices. Wash lentils and drain. cigarette, alcohol, and pot researchers report on We're nearly there. Just a are you After I had couple you? Having fun? Do have life mingled for another Add lentils, water, and tomatoes. queries, but things had taken a mor¬ the shreds of data they're culling more minutes now—it's coming insurance? hour I realised I had cleared out the Bring to a boil, then reduce heat bid turn, and sexual from the kind of slow Victim: Sound braggadocio participants' blood. Staring today. I'm sorry, we (no response... dirty look.) Factory! Boy, was I bombing! and cover with lid. Red lentils gave way to the dementia parlor at images on a screen in a darkened may have to poke you again..." Boy, I was losing this guy fast! He (It was worse than Waco.) It was time cook in about 30 minutes; brown for me to games of the neuro-psych battery. room, I feel insubstantial as a ghost There's a river of blood that kept on gazing at his watch, like he was go home. I would never leave lentils cook in 45 minutes. Fd listen to a tedious, suspiciously drifting through the data: the DNA flows through the years, eddying gonna be late for Ivana Trump's din¬ my apartment again! Brown lentils are cheaper (sur- detail-crammed bow ner Liz Smith: What a lie! On May story problem (The ties, the pie charts, the ugly line around the boyfriends, lovers, and party! This guy had an attitude. I pri.se, surprise!) so suffer for 1 5 cruise don't know 21st, 1993 at 8:09 P.M. I ship Regina leftport on Tuesday graph whose bony arm rises in- friends, tapped each time I lie back why—^you could land a spotted extra minutes and borrow your Howard on February 22nd at 3 AM. On the third eluctably upward across the accu¬ on that table and the needle enters helicopter on his bald spot! entering the Tea Dance 50 neighbor's pressure cooker next Victim: Listen Kvetch! Think I'll East 7th Street. At precisely 9:43 P.M. time. Serves 4. day out, Anna Thompson, the cleaning mulating years of infection and the my vein and I'm adrift again, nei¬ step outside for some fresh air. he left the building with a smile on his lady, a redhead with bad dentures, numbers dead or diagnosed. We ther dead or alive, lost in my heart's Fresh air? In New York face. had her City! It was "Garani tnasala is a purse stolen. She had six chil¬ long-term nonprogressives crowd own current. And each time I give powdered at Howard: OK! The secret's out! I Indian dren, two the center of our over pouring outside—winds going 100 spice mixture containing of whom were undergoing diminishing slice my body and the needle pricks tried another miles per hour! Body Positive dance. Did cinnamon, bay leaf, cumin, co¬ expensive dermabrasion procedures...) of the pie chart, scrambling as the and slides in, I'm fixed like a rabbit I continued to mingle. I get any phone numbers? None of riander, cardamom, black pepper, and then proudly recite the torpid "Twilight Zone" theme music in the headlights, staring down the Howard: Hello! I'm a kvetch! I'm your business. If I decide to go on the cloves, and mace. If you can t lo¬ details back. It was like having your grinds to a halt and a few more juggernaut with my irrational offer¬ un¬ on page 9 of this month's Body Summer Rver Cruise and feel cate any, put together whatever gossip quotient measured. chairs are gone. ing: take my blood, I'm not afraid, Positive! Your name? comfortable, I can always jump over¬ vou have to make a teaspoon. A few Talk about don't let me days after a clinic visit, I'd your biological clock get sick. Victim: Andrew (yawn) board and swim back to shore!

Page 29 George McGovern: Maybe a bit antiquated, but stiiI retains some sense of ethics. Newt Gingrich: Spreads his poiiticai iegs for Rupert Murdoch. Page 30 Dear Diary, Dear Diary, ■ ^ Hot fuck last nigiat. No, not as kot as the one I wrote about around two If this handwriting is a months ago, but pretty fucking hot. I was walking home, writing this little mindir^my on hard own to a flight home read, it's business (yeah, right) when I saw him. Kinda tall, kinda skinny, trade from San because I'm and show, but I PranCisco. I although I suck at only had one was out describing facetI can say his w^s cleanshaven and sort Brian's day at the for a apartment but I end to of intense most didn't myself. I looking. Not exceptionally handsoine in the conventional sense, of the get to see stayed at time while I much of him but fine for was (he was me. Just the right amount of rough edges. Dark brown hah?, San there). away Prancisco is not smooth chest. Average length weenie (but fairly thick). area; I got Boston. Sigh. more The entire He was from out of get in attention from city is a town—^said he was gonna catch a plane in the a month. guys in three cruisy mppning. when Maybe it's the days than I It figures... all the hot ones either live far you're on syndrome away, or have of always normally lovers, or something. He took me to a friend's place he was itself. vacation, but even scoring better staying at so, sex seems to a few blocks away. I be in the only have one air He let me trick to know right away who was going to fuck who-—at pretty much report, but least, it resigned myself was a good that's how I interpreted his grabbing my ass as soon as we trip, to sexual one. I had embraced. coz I partly was window (I grabbed for just didn't pretty shopping on his weenie to let him know I wasn't particularly averse want to busy the whole this time to the get my and idea.) We were very much on the same wavelength sexually—We energy hopes up. I didn't partly coz I necessary to go to feel like didn't need any words. lot of a bar or looks on the expending the I blew him, he blew me, street, anything, and I blew him some more, and he fucked me. I scoring. But they don't although I got a the last figured he night I was necessarily translate must've been positive when he went to fuck me without a wouldn't break there, one into eye rubber. No negative guy and contact at guy I saw on the would have ever have been so calm about porked him. all—so I dragged street taking a risk like that. He 'Very him back to pulled out before he came. anjrthing had been satisfying sex—didn't Brian's I have to leave me admit I felt a little weird afterwards. I have no problem without different. I could asking, so I tell he wishing with having didn't bother was unprotected buttsex with guys who are also positive, but it they're with a HIV-negative infected have it rubber. felt wrong that we He written all Guys who didn't talk about k first. Like I said, I can't imagine was in a over know little bit their faces. he was negative, didn't of a rush but I would've felt better if we'd gotten it all out in the want to to go after know we fucked. open. This crossed my mind when we were fucking but it didn't seem fantasy image. anything else about Maybe he Maybe he had me, like a big deal at the time. It bothers me a lot more how. I they a lover. I nothmg to taint the won't be and was able stood, I didn't to replay the ask. content with experience in my head while jacking off without thinking ^ n The trade things as show was about having possibly infected him. Maybe I'll get over it. We'll see. kinda boring. I should stop thinking about it so much. It's over. Just learn what I can from the whole thing and move on. Maybe I oughta talk about my status first. It sucks, though—^I mean, part of the attraction was keeping it all nonverbal. I didn't get his phone number or address. Every other time I've had a great fuck with someone from out of town and exchanged niimbers we never got in touch again, so why bother. He didn't ask for my number so I guess he felt the same way. Some other stuff he said gave me the Dire idea he probably has a lover back in Boston. Prom the time I had to talk with him, he seemed pretty cool, but I actually didn't want to get to know him too well. He doesn't live here, and it only would've been frustrating if I'd really gotten to like him. In case you think I'm a complete slut, I did get (and remember!) his name. It's Diaries Russell. Page 32 Porn Potato me up so early... I didn't have time to that the Preppymonster collects and after a little prodding, but then de¬ take care of myself." They decide to carefully labels celebrity jockstraps, cides that Swimboy should practice forget the morning practice entirely and he's willing to pay top dollar for his moves before the big screen test. and focus on this more pressing need. them. But Link is rather protective These boys are very similar in build, They lose their jerseys but keep of his jock, which he inherited from though Waterboy is quite a bit more their armor on, making them look his brother in the previous vignette, swarthy than his film star compan¬ like PVC gladiators. Link is built and so he and Waterboy decide to ion. But what one really notices are solid, seemingly as wide as tall, with screw instead. (Waterboy actually the pecs both these guys have. Pecs. Jock-A-Holics Detox one really captivating trait: his dick manages to pilfer the jock anyway.) Huge pecs. Pecs that project into the has the same color, texture, and flex¬ Later on, Swimboy stops by the next area code. Pecs that loom like ibility as those cheap pink dildoes one locker room, where Waterboy helps thunderheads on the Arizona hori¬ sees in the smut shops. "Do you him shave for the big meet. zon. What can one say? Porn Potato customer of the to day walks in, a lad in pay for the serv... uh, the mer¬ wanna kiss?" asks the Rookie. "I Swimboy's a little uncomfortable likes that. Waterboy's got one little need. Turns out that that the lad chandise, Preppyman magnani¬ dunno... do you?" responds Link. with the necessary intimacy, used to be a "Do and tries to Jock-A-Holics :^-1993 All Worlds ninety-eight-pound mously gives him the supporter, one you wanna sixty-nine?" the lighieii die mood weakling, but thanks to Charles Atlas, jock lover to another. Rookie with conversation, which Video, opened four eyes out of five. inquires later. "I dunno... do he's Now ready to try out for the team. things get interesting, with you?" Link answers. Then one of only causes things to become Hot dang! There's only one problem: Rookieboy on the field practicing them finds a rubber in the other's more intimate. It ttirns otir the Rookie's football moves with his older got to get a jockstrap, shoe (in a shoe?). "Ever fiick with a that .Swimboy is going to there is and he doesn't know the first brother. The brother is nothing new under the thing positively rubber before?" the Rookie queries. "I audition lor a mo\ie, the sun, which makes us all crea¬ about buying one. Fortunately, he's primordial, a hybrid between an ad¬ dunno... have you?" And then, while sort of movie where tures of come to the vertisement for racial ritual, habitually ap¬ right place. purity and the sucking on Link's dick with all the shaved balls .ire re¬ The Rookie isn't in the peasing our various fetishes dressing missing link. The two bicker in the relish of a Tootsie-Pop, the Rookie quired, anil he was without much room for more than a minute before thought to their early morning. Rookie asking Link bats his eyes and innocendy responds, wondering il origin. But as tired as that the Prepster materializes to provide things like "Do you have to touch "Nooooo...?" So not only does Link Waterboy could hairdo from 1983 is,tellsor as us that extra bit of customer service. Fit lift do a little lavor. Ecclesiastes* passethatas my balls like that?" (If that bothers Rookieboy's ankle and penetrate the leather jacket encrusted with slo¬ is terribly important it seems, and him, wait until he sees what happens his end-zone, but he smooches his lit¬ Waterboy relents gans of liberation was several years Prepman sees to it that the fit be¬ to you when you score a touch¬ tle brother through the Rookie's jock¬ tween his later, they all seemed profound, re¬ supple lips and the down.) Link, disgusted with such strap. Now that's teamwork! ally new when we first adopted Rookie's young dick is as secure as silliness, stalks off to the men's room, Now we cut to the locker room, them. The truth where the moment of truth awaits. is, life is full of these possible. The next thing you know, where we finally catch sight of one of first times; seminal events that for¬ they're screwing on the dressing While piddling. Link notices that his those elusive Waterboys whose ab¬ ever contour our room floor psyches. So let us (Porn Potato certainly baby brother isn't wearing a cup. sence the studs are always lamenting. look back a little bit to some of our hopes there aren't any pins hidden in Rookieboy counters that his big bro' Thinking that no one else is around, firsts: our first kiss, our first time in the carpet). Preppyman peels off his is getting a hardon. "What do you Waterboy is busily pilfering the the locker room, our first bra, our power-drag to reveal a smooth, tight, expect," Link grumbles, "...getting team's soiled supporters. Turns out first jockstrap... slightly overtanned body and Our film Jock-a-Holics opens in bulging boner, clad in his own jock¬ an unidentified underwear store strap which he touts as the dressy yet somewhere in the gay ghetto. It's casual garment of the nineties. The well appointed, with a chic rotating Rookie himself is a fey young thing, mannequin torso sporting an epic with approachable good looks and sized athletic supporter. Business nice abs. Porn Potato likes that. must be slow, since the manager, a What's more, he manages to pull off young preppy with pouting hee- an aw-shucks boyish nervousness de¬ stung lips is wanking off over an spite being the jaded pornqueen that open skin magazine. He just gets his he is. Porn Potato likes that, too. equipment put away when the last When the time comes for the Rookie

Page 33 *Eccl. 1:9. And furthermore: "Again, if two He together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm aione?" (Ecci. 4:11, remarkably upbeat considering'tie problem: an absolutely deadpan style Porn Potato wonders about that GET FAT don't die! of delivery. Judging from the facial athletic supporter, now in tatters expression alone, you couldn't tell from all its mileage. Did fearless vol¬ whether he was unteers A being ploughed on spooge on it in marathon the sessions to Recipe for Rectal Tarts Biffy Mae's massage table, or was dispassion¬ get it to yellow so con¬ Booze-Poached Pears ately watching the courtship rituals vincingly from one scene to the next, (□r, Just Add Feces and Stir) of Nubian or was it dung beetles. Porn Potato lightly poached in tea or ni¬ by Michael Scarce 1 bottle or cheap zinfaniiel other doesn't like that. tric acid instead? It seems the mild red wine roving As a token of encouragement, jockstrap is the linchpin of the story, 1 cup maple synip (the real stuff '-, not the Log (.avc-ln) Shaveboy now gets the wandering performers. This creates a bizarre (}-H large pears, preferably boa: jock to wear during his film debut, solipsistic universe where the First concocted in the Allow to rise until the stick *These statements and of which we only see a glimpse. garment is the only element imbued experimental phrases are Peel kitchens which is inserted comes out clean. pears, leaving rlie stcin in place Shaveboy winds up as a contestant in with any reality. The elasticity of the of "Dr." Paul Cameron's quoted directly from the pamphlet lor easier "Medical handling. Carmhine ihc a local bar's strip contest, along with waistband mimics the flexibility of Family Research Institute, this recipe Avoid overbrowning the top; Consequences of What wine and maple syrup in a heavy pan is this results in Tarts a Latrine. Homosexuals his cinematic companion, Filmboy. spacetime, creating transient wave¬ perfectfor today's busy and healthy Do", written by (nota and heat until simmering. Immerse Filmboy's quite a sight! Tall and forms in the shape of young men. lifestyle. It's a steamy dish sure to be¬ real) "Dr." Paul Cameron and the pears and poach until lender, be¬ a The bifurcated come a Sprinkle the top with parasites. published by the right-wing homo- tween 20 and 30 minutes. Remove lanky, with sinewy physique and a leggings barken back chosen-familyfavorite! pleasant but not overly attractive to lost symmetry (Amoebas will do in a pinch.) phobe scapegoating organization, pears and set aside. Ciently boil syrup and the closed face. But he makes With incubation in minutes, these the another 10 to 15 minutes to thicken up for that by loops of fabric constrain human his¬ Family Research Institute, 1993. His name is Chef Paul Cameron, a little. Serve pears in a dessert bowl seeming to radiate an incredible aura tory. We're left with the object savory snacks are a cinch! of sleaze and ilri'//le with warm .syrup. If you and potent sexuality. Porn fetishizing the person, rather than culinary wiz of our day. want to make ihe.se ahead (j1 time, Potato really likes that. So too does vice versa. Promiscuity and gay men Easily shared with others and nuke make his moral dish a course best pears to warm them back up. the audience, which cheers wildly. Jock-a-Holics is definitely a fuck- quite gourmet. prepared in the That is, until the performers get past film worth watching with the sound home, Biffy Mae's the stripping and get into the fuck¬ turned on. The dialogue is amusing He cooks up hazards of queerness, such pathogens of the colon Curried Potato Salad are also called ing. Suddenly the patrons adopt a and is delivered with something ap¬ finding danger in tarts of fruit - "Gay Bowel look of dread, as exits recipes of peril from the Syndrome."* .3 tablespoons peanut nil or clarified though the proaching decent acting. The sound htitter were patrolled by guard dogs and director has done a great job, the Family Research Institute. Ideal for 1 '"J lbs little creamer potatoes, ctit into they were afraid their moms might score being peppered with musical any occasion, "The rectum is a bite-sized pieces recognize them in the final film. puns that make fun of the scenes mixing bowl"* uneqtialled by rice crispy treats or for a rich J 2 cloi'es garlic, minced The two noisily disagree as to they accompany. Waterboys zombie medley of disease — they're perfect for I can cocontit milk bath house bake sales {ttusweetaied) who's going to fuck whom on the expression was a bit of a drag, as chosen-family favorites, 2-3 tablespooti^ torn ytiin or red pool table when Preppyboy bursts were the dust bunnies stuck to Link's made for multiple guests with ease. and "biological cuny paste onto the scene, wearing nothing but buttocks. (Next time, please use a swap meets I bug frozen peas, thattrd one ofhis carefully collected heirloom leaf-blower to clear the Rectal tarts are guilty pleasures I hardhoHed soundstage.) eggs, peeled and crtitrthlcel much more decadent than Sodom. jocks. "Fll fuck you both!" he says, On a scale of one to five eyes, Jock-a- which he does after ffolics Their heat is sure to be Heat oil or clarihed butter in a heavv scaring up some opened four. Porn Potato says scorching, so take care to skillet over medium heat. .Add the rubbers from the reluctant captive take the chance. —P.P. grease the bottom. spud.s and garlic and saute lor 15 min¬ audience. Despite his pushy style, utes. Add the tocotiut milk and stir in And Preppyboy is polymorphously per¬ please don't forget the rimming, the cuny paste, (iovet and simmer for verse. They bump, grind, and/or or the bowl just won't be the same. 15 minutes or until the potatoes are sixty-nine in every possible combina¬ Clean-as-you-go is the rule here, tctider. .Stir in the peas atid top with tion, with lots of three-way kisses, and hygiene is the name of the game. the crumbled egg. A very tastv dish, which Porn Potato really likes. Finally best setTed with a cruttchy green salad we fade back to — Next, blend together a mishmash and fresh fruit. (Red curry paste can Preppyboy's under¬ wear store, where he is of semen, lube and saliva. be found in most .Asian supermarkets, wanking off Porn Potato still wonders about the while same This confection of infection along with canned coconut milk.) wearing the jockstrap that horrified look on the patrons'faces. is much sweeter than Godiva. passed through so many crotches.

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