What does a Top 40 Radio DJ, hallucinogenic drugs, go-go girls, cannibals and the dark side of pop culture all have in common? When average teen Bobby finds the mysterious words “Tina Delgado Is Alive!” on a button in a thrift store, what follows is a wild safari into the suburban jungle of cult classic America, where he will either discover the truth or descend into madness. 2
Playwright’s Note: B-Sides & Rarities
No one would ever mistake this play for a serious biopic on the life of Donald Steele Revert, and for good reason. This play is not about the man but about the myth. The idea was born when I randomly found a slogan button in a head shop in Los Angeles that read “Tina Delgado Is Alive!” It was in the same bin with all the hippie flower power memorabilia, but that phrase jumped out at me. I went home and Googled it only to find that this anonymous slogan was once the catchphrase for a disk jockey in the 1960s named “The Real Don Steele.” From there, I found the theme song for his KHJ radio show. The recording mostly consists of a woman screaming “Tina Delgado is alive, alive!” on repeat. Researching the station’s history, I was never able to find out where Steele came up with the line or what it’s supposed to mean. The station auditioned hundreds of girls in L.A. to record it, yet no one seems to know who or what Tina Delgado was, or why the woman in the soundbite is so desperate to convince us she’s alive. I was instantly hooked. There was an implication that this phrase, repeated like a mantra, contained a hidden meaning like a Zen riddle. Next, I discovered a CD called ‘60s Jungle Garage Teen Beat that featured various pulp bands and cataloged a whole subgenre of jungle-themed novelty tunes. As tacky and outrageous as Tarzan go-go dancing to Saturday morning cartoons, this gonzo album is like the soundtrack to American Bandstands that never were. I mean, who can forget that African-beatnik-surf craze that swept the nation? This music took me totally by surprise and I loved every minute of it. So as these pieces came together, I knew I wanted to write an homage to this era of crazy, campy dance fads, over-the-top radio personalities and the psychedelic wonderland they describe. Having a plot that centers around an obscure radio catchphrase should convince anyone that this play is not about the Real Don Steele Show so much as it is about building the mythology that surrounds it. It uses radio as a metaphor for the spirit realm. The vision quest between worlds that shamans explore through drugs and dreams. Its jungle imagery represents our unconscious mind as in classic dream interpretation. The jungle often hides itself in the density of its own matter. As such, it is a place of great complexity and unknowing. For many of us, it describes the unpredictability and potential threats of our world. To be lost in a jungle usually means you are on a quest for treasure, sacred knowledge, or other things kept in deeply covered and generally inaccessible places. It’s where we are preyed upon by our untamed desires and must confront our fears and inhibitions. The savage land of Tina Delgado addresses themes of male chauvinism, feminine power, psychosexual conflict and the search for individuality. The consequence of Bobby’s identity crisis or dishonest character leaves him open to the perils of unreality. A lost world of dark adventure where only the true of heart survive. Through all of these strange encounters – people, animals, monsters – Tina Delgado suggests a melodrama of altered states in which unmet teenage anxieties become a life-or-death ritual of self-transformation. 3
BOBBY RAY: a troubled teen, a poser, a liar, a seeker.
CIRCE: a rocker, a moon child, a groupie, a muse, or is she?
THE REAL DON STEELE: a retired radio disk jockey, a drug dealer, an ex-hippie guru.
LIVINGSTONE: Bobby’s roommate, an experienced partier and womanizer.
SHEENA: an Amazon queen, a jaguar totem/spirit animal, may or may not be Bobby’s pet cat.
THE MONKEY-DEMON: an ill-omen, death, addiction, the id, the Hindu god Hanuman (played by ensemble)
CLERK: works at a vintage clothing store (played by same actor as Real Don Steele)
THE DRAGON LADY: half woman, half snake (played by same actress as Circe)
DR. MOJO: a Voodoo witch doctor (played by same actor as Real Don Steele)
BOSS: music industry executive (played by same actor as Real Don Steele)
ACTRESS: a struggling voice-over artist (played by same actress as Circe)
BUM: homeless man (played by same actor as Real Don Steele)
CANNIBAL TRIBE: Bobby’s friends and family (played by ensemble)
THE TIKI GOD: the voice of the jungle, he knows everything. 4
Oh, a lion hunter In the jungle dark, And a sleeping drunkard Up in Central Park, And a Chinese dentist And a British queen All fit together In the same machine Nice, nice, Such different people In the same device!
---Bokonon (Kurt Vonnegut), "A Man Without A Country" 5
Scene 1
The stage is lit with tie-dye lights and swirling designs, reminiscent of the 1960’s television show Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.
“Tina Delgado Is Alive” by The Real Don Steele plays.
(Note: During any hallucination scene, a huge red “On Air” sign over the stage is lit)
SHEENA appears on stage in a leopard skin bikini, her body painted in flowers and peace symbols.
She performs a wild go-go girl routine, exaggerated movements, big, fake smiles.
There is a sudden break in the music.
She freezes.
In the silence her expression changes to fearful desperation.
She looks out into the audience, as if noticing them for the first time.
SHEENA: (out of breath, panicked) Listen. I don’t have much time. I don’t want to dance like this. When the music comes on they make me smile and dance. Please help me. You must…
She notices something offstage and gasps.
SHEENA: Oh no!
She starts to weep in fear for her life.
The music begins again, her smile instantly returns and she throws herself back into the dance.
The opening credits for the play are projected onto her body as they would in a movie opening credit sequence…the title, directed by, starring, etc…
The 20th Century Fox theme song plays.
Blackout.
In the darkness, Sheena lets out a scream. 6
Scene 2
The opening “LA” sequence from Russ Meyer’s 1970 film Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is projected on the back wall.
A small, “bachelor” apartment. The wallpaper is green with a banana leaf pattern. A couch in the middle of the room.
LIVINGSTONE is seated; he is sleek, well-groomed, metro-sexual, the consummate “bad boy”, a nightclub party animal, dressed in the latest fashion.
BOBBY RAY comes in, drops a bag next to the couch and sits down dejected. He wears a plain polo t-shirt and khaki shorts.
LIVINGSTONE: Something on your mind?
BOBBY: Women.
LIVINGSTONE: What about them?
BOBBY: Everything. You know, why is it that guys, who I have no interest in, are open books and women, who I do have an interest in…
LIVINGSTONE: See, that’s your problem. I hate to say it dude, but you are a classic beta.
BOBBY: Beta?
LIVINGSTONE: Beta male. I used to be like you. It seemed like all these other guys were getting the girls and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. Then I saw this article on the internet – or it was an ad or something? Anyway, it had a girl in the middle making a choice between two guys. One is this clean cut, combed hair and glasses-wearing dude – not unattractive mind you – and then the other guy has his hair in a faux-hawk, looks a little more cut, probably a jerk. And above this “cool” looking guy you have the words “Alpha Male” and under the well-dressed one you see “Innocent Beta.” That was the day I decided to become an alpha. So I read books, put on the front and now I’m good with the ladies.
BOBBY: I don’t know man. That seems gimmicky.
LIVINGSTONE: What do you mean “gimmicky”?
BOBBY: Like, disingenuous. Fake. 7
LIVINGSTONE: Of course it’s fake! Nobody wants anyone for who they really are because everyone is flawed! You’re looking at this from the wrong angle, my man. You’ve got to think caveman, barbarian, survival instinct. Does the hunter worry about what his quarry thinks? Hell no. HE makes the decision about whether or not to go in for the kill. He just has to blend in enough to get close.
BOBBY: So how do you blend?
LIVINGSTONE: Well, what kind of girl do you want?
BOBBY: I don’t know man. There is this one girl I’ve seen.
LIVINGSTONE: Yeah?
BOBBY: On the way home from work I pass by this little hippie store. I looked in the window last week and saw this girl. Of course she was hot but also she had this certain way about her – like she didn’t care about what anyone thought of her. Fiery.
LIVINGSTONE: So go in there and get her! Buy some clothes, or pretend like you’re buying clothes. Common interests. I had a girl tell me once we had nothing in common. Well sure we did, making out. But she wanted something more…visible, I guess. Common interests. Girls love that shit.
BOBBY: Alright, so let’s say I go into the shop. I see the girl. I blend in. Then what?
LIVINGSTONE: Think hunter.
BOBBY: Move in for the kill?
LIVINGSTONE: Exactly! Because think about it – guys are probably too intimidated to strike up a conversation. She’ll have to pay attention.
BOBBY: So, what do I say to this chick, I mean?
LIVINGSTONE: Who cares? It’s not so much about what you say as how you say it. Just don’t show fear. They can smell it. Women like to call men animals but you know they’re really much more feral than we give them credit for. It’s evolution, man. It’s those primitive urges.
BOBBY: Confidence and faking interests, that’s really it?
LIVINGSTONE: It’s a start! You have to walk before you can run – and the best way to learn it is to do it! So don that warpaint, my young lad. Your assignment is to go in, bag this wildcat and bring her home to skin. 8
BOBBY: Easy for you to say.
LIVINGSTONE: Look, what it comes down to is this. I’ve been joking but it really is a jungle out there. And if you don’t go and at least try to breach that world, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering. Forget about the real you. Or better yet, the real you wants this girl right? So everything you do to get her is, in a sense, true to yourself. The self YOU make.
BOBBY: Huh.
LIVINGSTONE: So don’t be intimidated. Fake liking yourself. And then when you come back with your new trophy, you will like yourself, because the new you is Tarzan. King of the Jungle.
BOBBY: I don’t necessarily want to be King of the Jungle. I just want the one.
LIVINGSTONE: Good! Keep that focus. Eyes on the prize. Tell yourself, or her for that matter, anything it takes to pull her focus. Then be brave and confident.
BOBBY: Right. Ok, next time I’m in there, I’m going for it.
LIVINGSTONE: Damn straight you are. The Great White Hunter.
Blackout. 9
Scene 3
The interior of a recording studio: a microphone booth, turntables, speakers, popular album covers on the walls.
“Slow Surfin’ Matador” by Jan Davis plays.
BOSS is sitting at a desk with his feet up, pouring himself a scotch. He is dressed in a business suit and tie.
ACTRESS enters, she is dressed in stereotypical 1950s housewife garb.
Boss doesn’t rise.
BOSS: Ah! You must be the girl?
ACTRESS: (offers handshake) I sure am, Mr. Jacobs. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the opportun-
BOSS: (ignores handshake) Good, good. Have a seat. You want a drink?
ACTRESS: (sits) Uh, no thank you.
BOSS: It’ll put hair on your chest. Haha!
He takes a long swig.
BOSS: The agency explain why they sent you over?
ACTRESS: Something about a commercial-
BOSS: Then you’re all set! This is the copy right here.
Opens a briefcase and hands her a single sheet of paper.
BOSS: Read it over carefully.
He turns on a tape recorder in the middle of the desk.
BOSS: Here we go. Now, you’re to read the copy it exactly as it’s written. Do you understand?
ACTRESS: There’s only one line. 10
Pause.
Boss’s face grows stern.
BOSS: Do you have any questions before we begin?
Actress looks down at the paper.
ACTRESS: Well, yes. Just one. It’s…it’s about the name. Who is this?
BOSS: Tina Delgado.
ACTRESS: Yes.
BOSS: Can you say it?
ACTRESS: I’m sorry?
BOSS: The name. Can you say it?
ACTRESS: Uh…
BOSS: Because if this is going to be a problem we can have the agency send another girl-
ACTRESS: Oh, no, no! That is, I mean, no the…the name is not a problem.
BOSS: Well, I should hope not.
ACTRESS: I was just wondering who-
BOSS: Say it.
ACTRESS: What?
BOSS: The name. Say it.
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado.
BOSS: Say it again.
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado.
BOSS: See? You got it. 11
ACTRESS: (flustered) Um, ok.
BOSS: Anything else?
ACTRESS: I suppose not.
BOSS: Good. Exactly as it’s written.
ACTRESS: Exactly as it’s written.
BOSS: Ok. Here we go. And 3…2…
ACTRESS: (pleasantly upbeat, cheerful) Tina Delgado is alive. Alive.
BOSS: Again.
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado is alive. Alive.
BOSS: (sighs, turns off tape)
There is a long silence.
ACTRESS: Did…did I do something wrong?
BOSS: We’re going to do it again. Only this time…scream it.
ACTRESS: Scream it?
BOSS: Scream it for all your worth.
ACTRESS: (nervous) Ok.
BOSS: Are you ready?
Actress nods.
BOSS: Ok. And 3…2…
ACTRESS: Tina Del-gah-doooooooooo IS alive! Alive!
BOSS: Nope. 12
ACTRESS: Tina Del-GAHHHHHH-do is ALIIIIIIIIIVE!
BOSS: Nope.
ACTRESS: Tina DELLLLLL-gato!
BOSS: Nope.
ACTRESS: Teeeeena Delgado —
BOSS: No!
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado is alive! Alive!
BOSS: There. Again.
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado is alive! Alive!
BOSS: Again!
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado is alive! Alive!
BOSS: (growing angrier) Louder!
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado is alive! Alive!
BOSS: (on his feet now, even angrier, more frantic) Yes! More!
ACTRESS: Tina Delgado is alive! Alive!
BOSS: (smashes his glass on the desk, enraged) LOUDER!
ACTRESS: TINA DELGADO IS ALIIIIIVE! ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Her eyes bulge, she looks at him with sudden terror. Gasps, starts gagging, puts a hand to her throat. Collapses to the floor dead.
BOSS: Cut! Alright, great take! I think we’ve got it!
Pours himself another drink.
The phone on the desk rings. 13
BOSS: Hello? Yeah. Yeah, we’ve got it. Oh sure, she did great. Fantastic job. Mmhmm. Say Don, while I’ve got you on the horn, quick question for you…just what is this supposed to mean? (pause) Well, don’t ask me, babe. I’m just the producer. (bursts into laughter)
Blackout.
A radio clip from the Real Don Steele show, 93/KHJ BOSS Radio in Los Angeles plays in the dark. 14
Scene 4
Bobby is in front of a floor-length mirror with a pile of clothes at his feet.
“How’s Your Bird?” by Baby Ray and the Ferns is playing.
He tries on different shirts, jackets, sunglasses, hats, etc.
He strikes a pose each time, checking out his reflection.
Each time he’s disgusted with what he sees, takes it off and flings it away.
It becomes a montage of vanity. Modeling clothes. Deciding what to wear.
Transition lighting.
At a second-hand thrift store: a vintage, bohemian, retro, hipster, kitsch, bargain basement.
Racks of old clothes, bins of vinyl records, tables of antiques and costume jewelry.
Enter Bobby. He is self-conscious and dressed accordingly: faded OBEY Propaganda t-shirt, jeans, Chuck Taylor sneakers, imitation leather jacket. Always trying to appear cool and composed.
He sees CIRCE milling about the clothes racks, but she takes no notice of him. She’s dressed in a frilly white blouse, jeans, cowgirl boots, a peacock feather in her hair and a Mexican bolo tie with a silver image of the Madonna on it. She is carrying two plastic grocery bags.
Bobby nonchalantly tries to move closer to her while appearing interested in the junk on the tables.
This goes on for a while…growing ever more unsuccessful.
Circe stops at the record bins and rummages through them.
Bobby picks up an album beside her and pretends to read the back cover.
She makes brief eye-contact with him for a moment.
He smiles. 15
BOBBY: Hi, I’m Bobby.
CIRCE: Don’t worry, you’ll get over it.
She’s uninterested and walks away.
Defeated, Bobby wanders over to look through the collection of buttons and pins.
He picks one up. Examines it. Takes it over to the CLERK, who is bored, leaning on the counter, reading a magazine.
Bobby flips the button over in his hand.
BOBBY: (reads) “Tina Delgado is alive.”
CLERK: Are you gonna buy that? I’m trying to close up.
BOBBY: Yeah. (lowers his voice, confidentially) Do you know what this is?
Circe overhears this from across the room and looks over at him, suddenly with intent.
Clerk makes it clear he’s been inconvenienced. He musters up the great effort to set down his magazine and lean over the counter to look at the button.
CLERK: Looks like a button.
BOBBY: Thanks.
The Clerk takes the button over to the cash register.
CLERK: (under his breath) Typical.
BOBBY: Excuse me?
CLERK: Hm?
BOBBY: I’m sorry, it sounded like you were saying something.
CLERK: Ok, “sir”; I’m going to need you to moderate your tone.
BOBBY: What is your problem? 16
CLERK: You don’t even know what this means.
BOBBY: What?
CLERK: You’re buying this, why? Because it looks cool?
BOBBY: It’s cheap…
CLERK: And so are you.
BOBBY: Hey!
CLERK: You can’t just eat the frosting.
BOBBY: You don’t even know me, man.
CLERK: You’re my best customers. Wannabes. Fakes. You all look alike to me.
BOBBY: Who the fuck do you think you are?
CLERK: I know who I am. I’m not the one trying to wear someone else’s name tag.
BOBBY: Ok. Whatever. Forget it.
Starts to walk away.
CLERK: Do you want it or not?
BOBBY: (composes himself) Fine.
Circe makes her way over to Bobby while he’s checking out. She taps him on the shoulder.
CIRCE: Did you say Tina Delgado?
BOBBY: Um, yeah.
CIRCE: You know Tina Delgado?
BOBBY: Uh…yeah. Yeah, she’s great. Love her.
CIRCE: Really? I’ve never met anybody who even knows about it.
Bobby forces another smile, a little chuckle and nods. 17
CIRCE: I’m Bunny Lake.
BOBBY: Bobby.
Circe takes the button from him and pins it onto his jacket.
She removes a flask and takes a sip.
She hands it to Bobby.
He takes a sip.
She stares at him, considering.
CIRCE: Do you wanna come over?
BOBBY: What?
CIRCE: To my apartment. Wanna come over and listen to some records?
BOBBY: Yeah! Sure.
She takes his hand and leads him out of the store.
Blackout.
Lights up on Circe’s bedroom. Cozy in a New Age kind of way. Smoking incense sticks, a big crucifix on the nightstand, dirty laundry and Rolling Stone magazines everywhere. Psychedelic ‘60’s rock posters on walls. Afghan blankets, colorful silk sheets, bead curtains, various band stickers on the mirror.
Circe throws her bags into the corner and immediately sprawls out on the bed.
Bobby stands in the doorway, awkwardly watching her, not sure of his next move.
CIRCE: (looking up at the ceiling) So Bobby…talk to me. Act like you’re here.
BOBBY: Ok.
CIRCE: We can talk about how this is your first time in a girl’s bedroom.
BOBBY: What? No, that’s not- 18
CIRCE: Don’t worry. I only asked you over because I talk in my sleep.
BOBBY: Huh?
Circe pats the side of the bed.
Bobby obediently goes to her.
CIRCE: I need someone to keep watch. Record my dreams when I return.
BOBBY: You want me to watch you sleep?
CIRCE: When I speak in the night, it’s like another voice in the darkness is speaking through me. Deep worlds, forbidden places. I never remember.
BOBBY: You’re messing with me.
CIRCE: I might say bad things. Things you don’t want to hear. Secrets you’ve kept even from yourself. Things that might scare you.
BOBBY: I’m not afraid.
CIRCE: (smiles, starts to take his jacket off) You’re sure you can handle this?
BOBBY: I think so…
CIRCE: (takes off his shirt) You’ll need something to write on.
BOBBY: I’ll remember.
He moves in to kiss her. She puts a finger to his lips.
CIRCE: Stick out your tongue.
He does.
She places an acid dot on his tongue, and another on her own. There is a moment of fear in Bobby’s eyes, but she takes his head in her hands and kisses him, tenderly at first, then violently.
As they struggle together, Bobby tries to unbuckle his pants.
She pushes him down onto the bed and straddles him, lays a hand flat against his chest. 19
CIRCE: Lets have some music.
She goes over and turns on the radio. “Calypso Bop” by Emanons plays.
CIRCE: The radio! Even with TV, it’s still my favorite invention. An invisible world, halfway between here and everywhere else.
She returns to Bobby.
CIRCE: Do you know how long it’s been since I met someone like you? There’s only a handful of people who know the truth. So how do you know about Tina Delgado?
BOBBY: (chuckles) Yeah…about that…I…I really don’t know who she is. I just said it to meet you.
He moves toward her again, but she forces him back down.
Her face is cold fury.
CIRCE: What did you say?
BOBBY: Yeah, sorry…I didn’t mean to-
She leaps off the bed in disgust and looms over him enraged. She swipes her hand across the wall, leaving huge claw-marks.
CIRCE: Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!
The room grows suddenly darker, an eerie green light surrounds Circe. Rainforest noises are heard behind the walls, along with a slowly building thunder.
Bobby is terrified.
CIRCE: (her voice is not her own anymore) DO YOU?!
Circe transforms into THE DRAGON LADY, leathery, reptilian wings open behind her back with a loud hissing, rattling sound.
DRAGON LADY: UNTIL YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Dragon Lady lunges at Bobby who recoils with a yelp. 20
Circe’s prerecorded voice whispers in the background: The snake is in the tree. The snake is in your head.
The lights continue to fade. Glowing red eyes appear around her bedroom.
A gong sounds.
Blackout. 21
Scene 5
A street corner: a garbage can, a brick wall, steps with a cast iron railing.
Bobby is laid out on the sidewalk slowly regaining consciousness.
He sits up, holds his head and groans.
The sound of bongo drums in the distance is playing throughout the scene, “Jungle” by The Nite Cats.
BUM appears from behind the steps, laughing drunkenly, singing to himself. He is carrying some kind of djembe or skin drum, but he is not playing it.
BUM: Hey, hey, God bless you, young man. As-salamu alaykum. Look here brother, can you spare some change? For Mother Africa, my man. Throw a nickel on the drum and you’ll be saved.
BOBBY: Sorry, I don’t have any cash.
BUM: Well, there’s an ATM down the street.
BOBBY: Not now.
BUM: Aw yeah, come to the zoo but don’t feed the animals, right?
BOBBY: I gotta go.
The drumbeat gets louder. Bobby shakes his head.
BOBBY: God! Where is that coming from?
BUM: What?
BOBBY: That. That! These drums.
BUM: You hear it too?
BOBBY: Are you doing that?
Bum grins freakishly and holds up his hands to show he is not. He grabs Bobby by the shoulders. 22
BOBBY: (struggles) Whoa! Whoa!
BUM: I’m sorry I misjudged you, brother. You’re one of us!
BOBBY: Get off me!
BUM: You’ve seen her, haven’t you? You were just up there with her?
BOBBY: What are you talking about?
BUM: The she-devil.
BOBBY: Huh?
BUM: The wild woman of Hollywood.
BOBBY: That hippie chick?
BUM: You’ve seen her lair. Where she takes them.
BOBBY: You know her?
BUM: We’re all just beasts, left to fend for ourselves. Survival of the fittest, eat or be eaten-
BOBBY: What?
BUM: I was like you, once. Till she took me in. Turned us into what we are.
The drumbeat grows faster.
BUM: What did she give you?
BOBBY: Look, man-
BUM: You hear it too!
BOBBY: Let go!
BUM: You’re one of us now!
Bobby breaks free and runs away.
BUM: YOU’RE NOT A MAN ANYMORE! 23
Scene 6
“LSD Hot Dog Propaganda” film plays, projected over the set of Circe’s bedroom.
Circe sits on the end of her bed, smoking a cigarette, idly flipping through a magazine.
She’s in her own world.
But toward the end of the narration, Circe notices the audience.
Her eyes grow huge and intense. Glowing cat eyes. A crazed look without emotion.
She puts out her cigarette.
She starts to walk towards the audience as though in a trance.
Her eyes fixed on the front row with horrific focus.
Just when she gets close enough to reach out and touch someone in their seat…
Blackout. 24
Scene 7
Bobby arrives home to his apartment. He slumps down on the couch, covers his face with his arm.
“Night In Arabia” by Arabian Knights plays.
LIVINGSTONE: (from other room) That you?
BOBBY: Yeah.
Livingstone enters.
LIVINGSTONE: Where were you all night?
BOBBY: I met that chick. Went back to her place.
LIVINGSTONE: Yeah you did! Alright, don’t hold out on me, bro, did you get it?
BOBBY: I’m not sure.
LIVINGSTONE: What’s that supposed to mean?
BOBBY: I mean she gave me this stuff.
LIVINGSTONE: Molly? E?
BOBBY: I don’t know, but I’ve been seeing shit.
LIVINGSTONE: Like what?
BOBBY: Never mind, dude. My head’s killing me. I gotta crash.
LIVINGSTONE: So you couldn’t seal the deal?
BOBBY: I was unconscious.
LIVINGSTONE: Still.
BOBBY: Lay off, man. 25
LIVINGSTONE: (disgusted) So that’s it? Chick takes you home and gives you drugs? How could you screw up a sure-thing like that?! (pause) No explanation? Ok, whatever, you’re on your own.
Bobby rolls over on the couch, puts a pillow over his head.
Livingstone storms out.
“Solfeggio (Song of the Nairobi Trio)” by Robert Maxwell begins to play.
Bobby hears it, sits up, puzzled, looks around.
The leaves on the wall begin to move, the sound of creeping vines or something rustling through underbrush grows closer.
BOBBY: Livingstone?
He hears the sound of monkeys chattering.
THE MONKEY-DEMON appears, a savage gorilla, parts of its fur painted with red paint or in strange tribal tattoos?
Bobby screams and stumbles off the couch, trying to crawl to the door, but too terrified to control his movements.
It stalks toward him, in several threatening lunges. Lunge. Stop. Lunge closer. Stop.
Bobby curls up, helpless against the monster.
It looks deep into Bobby’s eyes.
The Monkey-Demon beckons to him – slowly – with one finger.
Blackout.
Lights-up.
The Monkey-Demon has vanished. 26
Scene 8
The room has transformed into a jungle. The walls are overgrown with tropical plants and exotic flowers.
“Moon Madness” by Pasquale & The Lunar-Tiks plays.
A jaguar growls.
Bobby is frozen with fear.
Livingstone enters dressed as one of the CANNIBAL TRIBE: shirtless, in warpaint, grass skirt, necklace of bones, headdress of feathers, carrying a wooden shield and long spear.
LIVINGSTONE: I see you, Stranger!
BOBBY: O…k. (looks around)
LIVINGSTONE: You’re dressed funny. You’re not from here, are you? What tribe are you from?
BOBBY: I’m not from any tribe.
LIVINGSTONE: You’re lost.
BOBBY: Where are we?
LIVINGSTONE: It’s hard to say.
BOBBY: You don’t know?
LIVINGSTONE: No…I mean, it’s a long word.
BOBBY: If you could just show me the way out…
LIVINGSTONE: Out of what?
BOBBY: (frustrated) This! This fucking jungle!
LIVINGSTONE: There is nothing else. The jungle is everywhere. (pause) We’ve never had a Stranger here before.
Bobby stands up, dusts himself off. 27
BOBBY: Look, I’m really freaking out here…
Livingstone sees the Tina Delgado button Bobby’s wearing. He snatches it off and holds it up for closer inspection.
BOBBY: Hey!
LIVINGSTONE: Where did you get this?
BOBBY: I bought it.
Livingstone thrusts his spear at Bobby threateningly.
LIVINGSTONE: You’re coming with me. We must take you before our queen.
BOBBY: No, no, no, no! I didn’t-
A jaguar roars again.
BOBBY: What is that?
LIVINGSTONE: (smiles) She’s waiting for you.
He leads Bobby into the trees.
On the other side is a clearing, where Sheena sits on a large wicker throne, surrounded by tiki torches and other members of the Cannibal Tribe who are dancing a ‘60s Beach Blanket Bingo routine.
“Watusi Zombie” by Jan Davis plays.
Sheena sees Bobby, stands up and raises her hands, shouting something to the crowd. The music cuts out and the dancers grow still.
Livingstone approaches Sheena, hands her Bobby’s button. They talk in hushed voices. Livingstone backs away from her.
Sheena claps her hands twice and they all bow down to fall prostrate before her.
SHEENA: My people! Many moons ago, I dreamed the Tiki God told me one day a Stranger would appear among us, to sacrifice himself for the village. He would defend us against the Dragon Lady from the land of no return – she whose face is to look upon death. 28
As the sun devours the night, so too will the light swallow up the darkness once this savior is given to the fire. Eat of his flesh to give you strength. Eat of his heart to give you courage. Eat of his manhood to give you children. Drink of his blood to give you life. Guards!
BOBBY: Whoa! Wait! Hold it! You don’t understand! You got the wrong guy!
Sheena lowers herself down into a crouching position, then crawls towards him on all-fours, like a cat. She sniffs him, up and down, investigating.
SHEENA: You have no scent.
Quickly licks his face. Scowls.
SHEENA: You have no taste.
She holds up his button.
SHEENA: But you wear the mark.
BOBBY: Please, I…I need your help…
She yells something at the natives in a made-up language.
The Cannibal Tribe scatters and runs offstage.
“I Walk On Gilded Splinters” by Dr. John plays.
DR. MOJO enters, surrounded by a cloud of smoke. He is painted like a white skeleton, wearing a black velvet jacket and top hat. He lip-syncs to the song, acting it out, performing a magic ceremony: waving a horse tail hair fly swatter over Bobby’s head, throwing powder into the air, weird hand motions, etc…
DR. MOJO: This is the Parable of the Five Stoned Men & the Elephant:
There were five stoned men in a courtyard one night. Suddenly, in came a stampeding elephant.
1. The first man was stoned on caffeine and nicotine. He said, “Hey, there’s an elephant in the room.” But he was too out-of-shape and sluggish to run away.
2. The second man was stoned on alcohol. He said, “Hey, there’s a big gray animal in the room.” But his mind was too dull and his senses too numb to know exactly what it was or what to do about it. 29
3. The third man was stoned on marijuana. He noticed the elephant but everything he said only came out as nervous giggles. He couldn’t warn the others.
4. The forth man was stoned on peyote. He saw the elephant in a blinding vision and exclaimed, “Oh! The elephant is a poem written in tons instead of words!” and fell down and worshiped the elephant as God.
5. The fifth man was stoned on acid. He looked around at the others and declared: “YOU’RE ALL ELEPHANTS!”
Pause.
DR. MOJO: Now, which man was saved?
BOBBY: The hell are you talking about?! I don’t even know what y-
DR. MOJO: Which man?!
BOBBY: I don’t know! The last one?
DR. MOJO: No. They were all trampled to death.
BOBBY: You’re making a big mistake…
SHEENA: Hunger is its own logic.
Bobby tries to run, but is quickly thrown down.
DR. MOJO: Hey, come on, bring that thing back here, man. Let the kids dig this!
BOBBY: HELP!
Sheena clamps both hands around his mouth from behind.
Dr. Mojo crouches down close to him, lowers his voice.
DR. MOJO: Look man, we love you. That’s why we’re going to have to eat you.
Bobby screams, muffled.
He struggles but can’t move. 30
Bobby flails, but Sheena hisses like an angry cat and holds him still.
DR. MOJO: You see, there is truth in the blood.
Bobby and Sheena still struggle.
DR. MOJO: Don’t worry. Did I tell you I’m a certified headshrinker?
He draws a machete.
Sheena drags Bobby towards a boiling cauldron (that looks like a bathtub), kicking and screaming.
DR. MOJO: Kana Kalipa Hey!
CANNIBAL TRIBE: (offstage) KANA KALIPA HEY!
Dr. Mojo raises the machete about his head dramatically.
Bobby breaks free, screaming,
BOBBY: STOP!
A record scratch sound effect cuts the air.
All the characters are frozen in place, except Bobby.
Bobby looks around at them, confused.
He waves a hand in front of Dr. Mojo’s face. The squeal and static of a radio tuning sound effect is heard.
All the characters start mumbling repeated dialogue, noisily overlapping each other.
Bobby stops his hand and they all fall silent again.
Bobby waves his hand the other way. The sound of tuning static.
DR. MOJO: (like a commercial salesman) Yes, that’s right, you just need to survive out there folks and I can give you the basics. We can vaccinate you for yellow fever, malaria and the sleeping sickness of the tsetse fly. Might help to fumigate for mosquitos. Grab the can that says “OFF”, not “ON”. Bring a lot. You may kill a few hundred thousand butterflies in the process but- 31
Bobby waves his hand. Tuning static. This causes Dr. Mojo visible pain.
DR. MOJO: (different voice, different personality) Predatory animals: the black caiman. Crocodile. Don’t go swimming. It’s what everyone expects. Don’t fall in – electric eels, anacondas, piranha fish. (snaps his teeth) Don’t forget the aggressive nature of the male silverback gorilla. Beware of crude carvings in the trunks of trees or dry rocks. The natives have taken to leaving strange hieroglyphs that some say have the power to ensnare the senses. Just escape. And if it gets too muggy, too sweaty, too itchy, too bloody, too crazy – just think, someday you might return to civilization.
Bobby waves his hand. Changes channels again.
DR. MOJO: Alright, good set.
In the underbrush he pulls out a microphone, puts on a set of headphones and the recording equipment from the studio scene.
DR. MOJO: Can you believe the outfits for these promos? They got Steve dressed up like a damn matador a– ok, we’re back! Live in 3…2… (into the mic, announcer voice) How ya doing, how ya doing! And a wonderific Wednesday on the heart and soul of rock and roll, KHJ 93: Only The Good Stuff. And it’s time for this town to get down! Now the Doctor is in and I am burning up in here! Whoo! We’re all in critical condition, babies. But you can tell me where it hurts, ‘cause I got the healing prescription, right here from the big musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50,000 watt intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right back, relax, open your ears real wide and say: give it to me straight Doctor, I can take it!
“Kana Kalipa” by The Continental Cousins plays.
Blackout. 32
Scene 9
Bobby sits up on his couch with a gasp. He’s back in his apartment, looking sick and confused.
“Yabby!” by The Hully Gully Boys plays.
Livingstone stumbles in with Circe on his arm, sharing a bottle of wine between them. They’re both giggling, flirting. Clearly tipsy from a night out. Livingstone is wearing a pith helmet.
LIVINGSTONE: (surprised to see Bobby) Hey buddy! When’d you get back?
BOBBY: Back?
LIVINGSTONE: Yeah, you said you were working late tonight.
CIRCE: Hi.
LIVINGSTONE: Oh, right! Bobby, this is Ellen Austin. Ellen, this is my roommate, Bobby.
BOBBY: What’s she doing here?
LIVINGSTONE: We met at this bar, what was the name of it-?
CIRCE: (playfully) We met at that clothing store. The one by my house.
LIVINGSTONE: Oh yeah. And then the bar.
CIRCE: The first bar.
She kisses him.
LIVINGSTONE: You should have seen it. At the liquor store, there’s this crazy homeless guy trying to steal these bottles of red wine. Just walking out the door with an armload of cheap Merlot. And when the cashier tried to stop him, he just says “No! This is my blood!” The homeless guy said that he was Jesus Christ and certain cosmic forces were draining his body of blood. He felt that since he was Jesus Christ and that wine was blood, he was just replenishing his blood supply. Said it wasn’t a crime for him, it was self-preservation.
CIRCE: (laughs) “It’s my blood”, he said, “Why should I have to pay for it?”
LIVINGSTONE: Uh, Bobby, can you help me in the kitchen real quick?
CIRCE: Aww…you’re friend here can keep me company. 33
BOBBY: Naw, that’s ok-
CIRCE: I’m gonna ask Bobby for all the dirt on his roomie.
LIVINGSTONE: Sure. Just a sec.
Circe sits down in the chair opposite Bobby on the couch.
BOBBY: I know that’s not your name.
CIRCE: Excuse me?
BOBBY: You did something to me.
CIRCE: I just met you.
BOBBY: No! See? I just met you. At that clothing store. You took me back to your place? Fed me acid? Tina Delgado?
CIRCE: You’re being weird.
BOBBY: Look! (takes the button off his jacket) Remember this? You told me about Tina Delgado, remember?
CIRCE: Do you guys always haze each other’s hookups, or what?
BOBBY: Quit screwing around! What does this mean?
CIRCE: What does what mean?
BOBBY: Tina Delgado…this is what started it…
CIRCE: O….k. I’m gonna go now.
BOBBY: Don’t act like we’ve never- I need to know what you did to me!
LIVINGSTONE: So I couldn’t find the wine glasses but…
BOBBY: This chick is crazy and probably’ll try to kill you.
LIVINGSTONE: What? 34
BOBBY: She’s like a witch! I’ve met her before. She took me to her room, drugged me, then she turned into a snake. I KNOW how this sounds! But, believe me, she is not what she seems.
CIRCE: Can we get out of here?
LIVINGSTONE: (To Circe) Yeah babe, sure. (To Bobby) You’re losing it, pal. We’ll talk about this later.
Bobby blocks their path.
BOBBY: Nobody leaves! Not until she answers me!
CIRCE: What is your problem? This guy is nuts!
LIVINGSTONE: Ok, dude. April Fools. Enough’s enough.
He tries to push past Bobby.
BOBBY: Don’t touch me! Tina Delgado. Who is she?
LIVINGSTONE: Bobby! Seriously, give it a rest!
CIRCE: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
BOBBY: You knew what it was at the store! You know now! Quit lying and tell me!
Livingstone grapples with Bobby who fights back. Livingstone punches Bobby in the face, knocking him down. Circe shrieks.
Tense silence.
LIVINGSTONE: Sorry man.
He escorts Circe to the door, she pauses, motions for him to go on. Livingstone exits. Circe kneels next to Bobby, whispers in his ear.
CIRCE: The Real Don Steele knows who she is.
She exits. Blackout. 35
Scene 10
The Real Don Steele bursts into radio station, excited, laughing, throws out his hands.
REAL DON STEELE: Alright, babies! The Doctor is….
Sees that the station is empty.
REAL DON STEELE: …in.
He makes a slow circle of the room, inspecting it. Wipes his hand across the recording equipment upsetting a small cloud of dust.
He makes a sign of obvious disgust. Sets his suitcase on the desk, takes off his coat, hangs it on a rack. Notices a piece of paper tapped to the microphone. Tears it off, reads it.
REAL DON STEELE: “Main switch three minutes before airtime. Programming planned. Play the records in order. Absolutely no variations.”
He picks up the box of records provided on the desk and moves them aside.
He settles into the DJ chair, puts on his headphones, flips the switches, turns on the soundboard and monitors, etc.
Plays Real Don Steele intro.
REAL DON STEELE: That’s me, alive and well on 93 KHJ: Only The Good Stuff. Over the next six hours you’re gonna hear the sounds of now, sounds to blow your mind and do your thing by. From midnight till dawn. Sounds like…
He pulls an unmarked record from the box and sets it on the turntable.
Creepy organ music blasts from the speakers, like the theme for a haunted house.
He appears confused and a little disgusted. He takes off his headphones. Pushes his chair away from the desk. Looks at the other records in the box. They are all unmarked.
He turns down the in-house volume, turns to the phone and dials.
REAL DON STEELE: Ron? It’s Don. You happen to have the right time on ya? ‘Cause coming west I had to set my watch back 200 years. Complain? Me complain? No, I just think it’s a little early for Halloween! (pause) Look man, you told me this was a legit gig. I turned down a lot of other deals for this. I fly halfway across the country to find you got me playing 36
Count Chocula! (pause) Just play the records? Don’t give me that! I have a career to think about, you know! And another thing I- Hello? Hello?
He angrily slams the phone into the receiver.
He lifts the needle off the record.
REAL DON STEELE: Well if that doesn’t blow your mind, I don’t know what’s between my ears! Or as a pilot once said to me, “Donnie Baby, I’m flying at 30,000 feet. You fly any higher than that and you’re on your own!” And wait till you hear what’s coming to you next on KHJ, the Real Don Steele Show…
He puts on another disk.
The sounds of chains rattling, women screaming, maniacal laughter, sounds of horror.
REAL DON STEELE: (to himself) He’s gotta be kidding. Bet Wolfman Jack never had to put up with this shit.
He flicks off the speaker and takes the record off the turntable.
REAL DON STEELE: Wow! Heavy, heavy! Hey, let me clue you in on what’s happening here. There’s an old custom among Boss Jocks when a new DJ joins the station the other DJs try to put one over on him. It’s their way of making them feel at home. Well, you won, babe! Let me tell ya, I just finished a five year gig in the Big Apple itself. I mean, I was Top Jock, no one could touch me, but I left it all to come here. Why? To be reborn. For you. You the fans. So, all kidding aside, this next one goes out to all my listeners.
He puts yet another record on.
Horrifying music.
REAL DON STEELE: Some joke.
He turns off the speakers and takes the record off, but the music keeps on playing.
He looks at the disk in his hands, then back at the speakers, clearly worried.
REAL DON STEELE: Alright guys! Neat trick.
He goes to the phone, puts it to his ear and dials.
REAL DON STEELE: Operator? Op-? Disconnected?! 37
The music builds.
REAL DON STEELE: Ok! I get it! April Fools!
He goes to the door to get out, but the handle breaks off in his hand.
REAL DON STEELE: Alright! This ain’t pretty, fellas! Joke’s over!
TIKI GOD’s voice is heard over the speakers, booming laughter.
REAL DON STEELE: (bangs on the door) Let me out! Hey! Let me out of here!
“The Jungle” by Diablito plays.
Real Don Steele falls to his knees, covering his ears, screaming. He begins to bleed from the eyes. 38
Scene 11
Night in Bobby’s apartment. The sound of a thunderstorm outside. Lightning flashes across the green wallpaper.
Bobby tosses and turns on the couch in a fitful sleep.
“Solfeggio (Song of the Nairobi Trio)” plays.
Bobby hears it and awakes with a start, shoots straight up.
A clap of thunder and a flash of lightning illuminates a corner of the room.
The Monkey-Demon is standing there with his head down. It snaps up to look directly at Bobby.
Bobby yelps and backs away.
The Monkey-Demon beckons with one finger.
The lightning becomes a strobe light.
Monkey-Demon approaches.
Blackout.
Bobby is sitting on the floor, hugging his knees, hiding in the corner, staring at the couch.
The song “Theme From the Tiki Wonder Hour” by Combustible Edison plays.
The Dragon Lady slithers up from between the couch cushions until she is standing over him. Her costume is a cross between an Egyptian queen and an Arabian belly-dancer. Very Mata Hari. She dances a seductive Dance of the Seven Veils for him.
DRAGON LADY: Why are you afraid, man-cub?
BOBBY: I’m not. I’m starting to get used to this.
DRAGON LADY: Then come closer.
He doesn’t move.
DRAGON LADY: No? 39
He looks away.
DRAGON LADY: We don’t always believe what we say, do we?
BOBBY: You’re not real.
DRAGON LADY: See?
BOBBY: Leave me alone.
DRAGON LADY: You are.
Bobby turns his back to her.
DRAGON LADY: They’re hunting you, man-cub.
BOBBY: Shut up.
DRAGON LADY: You’re still running from them, aren’t you?
BOBBY: I said shut up.
DRAGON LADY: It won’t do you any good, you know. Running. Hiding.
BOBBY: I’m not giving up.
DRAGON LADY: This is what you are. You are what I say you are. You can fight it only because I call you a fighter.
She makes a move towards him. Bobby flinches backwards.
BOBBY: Wait…I know you. You were that girl. What have you done to her?
DRAGON LADY: They’re hunting you…just like you hunted me.
BOBBY: What?
DRAGON LADY: You hunted me. You tracked me and you caught me. It was a violation. You thought you could “bag this wildcat and bring her home to skin?”
BOBBY: That’s what this is all about? Because I lied to you? Tried to get to know you?
She opens her mouth and the sound of a snake rattle spits out. 40
Pause.
DRAGON LADY: I can tell you why. Why they’re after you. What they want.
BOBBY: Then tell me.
DRAGON LADY: Come over here and say that.
BOBBY: I don’t trust you.
DRAGON LADY: Awww…there are worse things in the jungle than me.
BOBBY: Like what?
DRAGON LADY: A needle in the groove. The same song playing over and over.
BOBBY: If you got something to say, say it!
DRAGON LADY: They think you’re someone else.
“Kookie Limbo” by Kookie Joe kicks in.
A bright yellow wall appears behind them covered in hippie flowers like the set of The Dating Game.
A giant tiki head idol lowers into the center of the display.
TIKI GOD: Heeeey man! What’s reeeeeeaaaaal?
Bobby ducks out of the way.
TIKI GOD: Hahaha! Don’t be afraid, little people! I am the voice of the jungle, I know eeeeeverything! It’s true. Ask me anything.
Bobby looks to the Dragon Lady.
DRAGON LADY: (Smiles) Ask him.
BOBBY: How do I get out of here?
TIKI GOD: It was a day just like any other day. (pause) Which doesn’t say much. As I looked out into the beautiful hills beyond…the beautiful hills…beyond the beautiful hills….I saw a 41 panorama….of beautiful hills. As beautiful as it may seem…death lurked behind those beautiful hills, behind the beautiful hills…behind the beautiful hills. And I saw…a blue mountain…back behind a blue mountain…back behind another blue mountain. And then I knew that I was in the land…of blue mountains.
BOBBY: But wait, what does that have to do with-
TIKI GOD: It had been night. It had been dark night. Silver birds had flown through the night. Their wingtips had brushed me. Their wingtips had brushed my face. Now it was dawn. Now I knew it was dawn. It was dawn. It was dawning.
BOBBY: (To Dragon Lady) What is he saying?
DRAGON LADY: You don’t speak the native tongue.
TIKI GOD: I was sitting in the tree. My back was warm. My back was warm from the tree. I was the keeper of the tree. It was dawn. It was dawning. I was yawning. It was an all-night job. It was an all-night job in the jungle. It was by the highway. It was over by the highway. It was over by the Highway 99. It was underneath the sign that said “Highway 99.” It was underneath the Highway 99 sign. The sun came up. The sun was coming up. It was getting higher in the sky. The sky was turning golden. It was the golden sky. It was our father the sun.
BOBBY: Please! Listen to-
DRAGON LADY: You need an interpreter.
She begins to slowly approach Bobby from behind…
TIKI GOD: Now those birds they flew through the dawn. It was like fish leaping in the high country, it was like trout going about their business in the morning, it was like rainbow trout leaping in the morning. It was rainbow trout leaping through the dawn. It was the scales of our brother the fish. He came leaping through the dawn.
The Dragon Lady creeps closer behind Bobby…
TIKI GOD: He had come back to us safe. He had been away from us. He had come back to us. He had come back to us to make us happy. The morning was happy. It was like birds flying in the dawn. I was sitting in the tree. I had been a young man that morning. I have been a young man ever since.
DRAGON LADY: You know, if you are in need of someone to speak for you…
BOBBY: I just wanna go home! 42
DRAGON LADY: …even my words are a jungle.
Fangs shoot out of her mouth as she grabs Bobby from behind.
Before she can sink her teeth into him, a blast of radio static pierces the air.
The Dragon Lady hisses and runs away.
The voice of Real Don Steele is heard from above.
REAL DON STEELE’s VOICEOVER: That’s right, you’re listening to the Real Don Steele Show on 93 KHJ! Well, all your favorite Boss Jocks got together with a 1970 Pontiac Firebird and a bag of coin cash to bring you your chance to win, right here on the Big 93! Be the next contestant to call in and answer our wiz-quiz to take home this week’s grand prize!
BOBBY: What’s the grand prize?
REAL DON STEELE: (laughs) Your life! Your freedom! Your very own immortal soul! Whoa, the phone lines are really heating up, folks! ‘Cause you know around here, we bring you Only The Good Stuff! And I think I’ve got a possible winner on the line right now. Hello?
LIVINGSTONE’s VOICEOVER: Hello?
REAL DON STEELE: Hi, you’re on the air with the Real Don Steele. What’s your name?
LIVINGSTONE’s VOICEOVER: Stanley Livingstone.
REAL DON STEELE: Where ya from Stan?
LIVINGSTONE’s VOICEOVER: Hollywood, California.
REAL DON STEELE: Alright Stan, going for this week’s million-dollar-question. Can you name this tune?
ACTRESS’s VOICEOVER: (recorded from earlier) Tina Delgado is alive! Alive!
LIVINGSTONE: Uhhh…is it…“Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop”?
The sound of a jaguar roar is heard. The phone line goes dead.
REAL DON STEELE: Oh! I’m sorry, Stan! Nice try, thanks for playing. 43
BOBBY: (waves his arms) Hey! Hey! Down here!
REAL DON STEELE: Moving right along. Still another chance to win for our next caller. Hello, what is your name?
BOBBY’s VOICEOVER: Bobby.
BOBBY: That’s me!
REAL DON STEELE: Where ya from Bobby?
BOBBY’s VOICEOVER: (panicked, out of breath) Listen. I don’t have much time. I don’t want to dance like this. When the music comes on they make me smile and dance. Please help me. You must…
REAL DON STEELE: Sounds like quite a party. Ok Bobby, same question: can you name that tune?
BOBBY’s VOICE: Don’t you hear what I’m saying?
BOBBY: That’s not me!
ACTRESS’s VOICEOVER: Tina Delgado is Alive! Alive!
BOBBY: Hey! That’s not really me on the phone! Don’t answer that!
REAL DON STEELE: Do you have an answer for me, Bobby?
BOBBY’s VOICEOVER: Help me somebody!
REAL DON STEELE: Five seconds.
BOBBY: No!
BOBBY’s VOICEOVER: I don’t know.
Pause.
REAL DON STEELE: That is correct!
Blackout.
44
Scene 12
In the darkness…
“Pig Meat” by Baby Sticks & The Kingtones plays.
REAL DON STEELE’s VOICEOVER: Spin the big wheel, Bobby!
Lights up on Bobby standing in front of a huge gameshow wheel.
Bobby cautiously approaches.
REAL DON STEELE: Go ahead! Give it a whirl.
Bobby spins the wheel.
Every brightly colored section of the wheel has a skull & crossbones on it.
CIRCE’s VOICEOVER: What our studio audience doesn’t know is that the reason that Bobby Ray is doing all of this stuff, is because it’s all part of the script to “Tina Delgado Is Alive.” Every word. Every action. The go-go dancers. The acid. It’s all in the script so he has to do it.
The wheel stops and the arrow lands on one of the sections.
The beginning of“Monkey” by J.C. Davis plays.
Lights up on Livingstone, sitting on their couch, staring blankly ahead, looking dazed, holding a bottle of wine. Either stoned or drunk, or both.
On the floor is a large, Oriental rug.
The Monkey-Demon and Sheena enter. Sheena has a rope tied around her neck like a leash. She is grooming herself like a cat, licking her hand and rubbing it on her face, etc. The Monkey- Demon is holding the other end of the rope.
Bobby cautiously takes a seat on the couch next to Livingstone.
The Monkey-Demon sets a briefcase on the table.
MONKEY-DEMON: Bobby Ray! Special delivery for Mr. Bobby Ray!
BOBBY: It talks! 45
MONKEY-DEMON: (to Livingstone) Are you Mr. Bobby Ray?
LIVINGSTONE: Yeah. (snaps out of his trance) I mean, no. He is.
BOBBY: What do you want?
MONKEY-DEMON: This is a registered delivery. You must sign for it. I don’t wish to alarm you gentlemen, but I’m afraid the signature will have to be…in blood.
LIVINGSTONE: (flings the empty bottle) Look man, I just wanna know two things. Is there any more wine in this cardboard jungle, and when do we get paid?
Monkey-Demon sets the briefcase down, opens it, takes out one of the programs for the show.
MONKEY-DEMON: Gentlemen, gentlemen, in a minute or two you will be able to get your hands on all the imaginary wine you want. But for the moment, I would like to explain all of the things you’ll be doing.
LIVINGSTONE: (chuckles) Nice monkey suit.
BOBBY: Hear him out.
LIVINGSTONE: I don’t care man. As long as I get paid, I’ll say whatever you want me to say.
SHEENA: Domestic is not the opposite of wildness.
MONKEY-DEMON: (To Sheena) Shut up!
SHEENA: (To Monkey-Demon, amazed) You talk!
MONKEY-DEMON: (To Livingstone) Do not make the mistake of thinking I am the person who is speaking to you now.
BOBBY: You mean none of this is real?
MONKEY-DEMON: For you? That remains to be seen.
BOBBY: What about you? You’re here, right?
MONKEY-DEMON: I am merely stepping into what you can understand. After I’m done, I go back to what I really am.
LIVINGSTONE: Alright already! Get on with it! 46
SHEENA: We are inside it. And we are its visions. We are the spirit life of this animal. We are its visions, day and night mostly. Us inside it, the house, the candles’ light, the house crouching big and vine covered animal at rest and us awake or asleep in it. Us the dreams in it. The long- running animal at rest.
MONKEY-DEMON: I said shut up!
SHEENA: My house dreams me seeing inside you. I am the vision of my dreaming house. I am the drunken vision of this long-running animal, all vine covered in the snow. I am the vision, seeing and seen in the wild and long-running mind of my own house.
The Monkey-Demon slams his hand down on the table and yanks her leash. Sheena hisses at him like a cat.
MONKEY-DEMON: Now, listen carefully. My business is not in things, it’s in between them.
Monkey-Demon stops abruptly in mid-sentence. Snaps his head to look offstage.
MONKEY-DEMON: Shhhhhh! Did you hear that?
They pause, listening.
BOBBY: I don’t hear anythi-
MONKEY-DEMON: SHHHHHHHH!!!
The crackle and fizz of static, like from a badly-tuned radio, begins to build.
Monkey-Demon jumps up from the table and begins pacing nervously.
MONKEY-DEMON: Shit! Shit, shit, shit!
BOBBY: What?
MONKEY-DEMON: You told me this place was COOL, man!
BOBBY: What’s going-
MONKEY-DEMON: I knew it! You’re all in on this together!
BOBBY: Will you just calm down and- 47
MONKEY-DEMON: You think I can’t hear that?! You think I’m STUPID?!
The static, white noise grows louder.
Sheena snarls and lunges at Bobby. The Monkey-Demon grabs her leash and drags her back to the table.
BOBBY: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
MONKEY-DEMON: No? Get off the script, man! You think I don’t know they’re out there right now? All those faces in the dark, listening!
BOBBY: I swear to you there’s nobody out there!
MONKEY-DEMON: SOMEONE IS MAKING YOU SAY THAT!
The static goes dead.
LIVINGSTONE: Skip to the point, banana-breath.
Monkey-Demon flies into an ape-like rage, hooting, grunting, beating his chest.
Sheena jumps up on the table and starts mewling like a cat, hissing and pawing at the air.
Monkey-Demon grabs Livingstone by the throat.
LIVINGSTONE: You know, (as if dawning on him for the first time) I don’t believe you’re really a gorilla.
MONKEY-DEMON: I may be wearing a costume but at least at the end of the day I can take mine off.
LIVINGSTONE: Bobby, lets get out of here!
BOBBY: I’m trying to understand.
MONKEY-DEMON: As long as you know what you’re looking for you won’t find it.
LIVINGSTONE: Screw this guy! Why are we even-
BOBBY: Enough! Tell me who you are!
They all look at Bobby. 48
BOBBY: Take off your mask.
SHEENA: (To Monkey-Demon) Show him.
MONKEY-DEMON: You want to know the truth? (He takes a step forward)
Bobby approaches, lifts the gorilla head off the costume…there is no head beneath.
The gorilla suit slumps to the floor, empty.
The Oriental rug under him turns to quicksand. Bobby begins sinking into the floor.
“Don’t Wanna Leave the Congo” by The Valiants plays, drowning out Bobby’s cries for help. 49
Scene 13
“Jungle Run” by The Pastels plays.
Bobby comes upon a white adobe hut.
Inside the doorless entrance a middle-aged man sits cross-legged before a small fire pit. He has a sad, faraway look; tired, greasy. His hair, what’s left of it, is long and gray, matted, almost in dreads. He’s dressed in a faded Hawaiian shirt left unbuttoned, hemp patch pants, barefoot. Some tribal amulet dangles around his neck.
REAL DON STEELE: So you got through. Most people never make it. It takes real will. It’s a jungle out there.
BOBBY: Where are we?
REAL DON STEELE: East of nowhere.
BOBBY: I’m looking for someone.
REAL DON STEELE: Aren’t we all?
BOBBY: The man I’m looking for is called the Real Don Steele. Do you know him?
REAL DON STEELE: You sure you’re not looking for Tina Delgado?
BOBBY: What is Tina Delgado?
REAL DON STEELE: Well, it’s this liner.
BOBBY: I know it’s a liner. But what does it mean?
REAL DON STEELE: You don’t get it, man, this thing really works. You just do it over and over again. It’s a liner. You do it over and over.
BOBBY: You do it over?
REAL DON STEELE: No. A woman screams it.
BOBBY: A woman screams this. Over and over. What does she scream?
REAL DON STEELE: Tina Delgado Is alive, alive. 50
BOBBY: What kind of woman?
REAL DON STEELE: Shrieking.
Pause
BOBBY: Why are you looking at me like that?
Real Don Steele keeps staring.
BOBBY: What’s wrong? (touches his own face) Is it me?
REAL DON STEELE: Yes. But only a little part of it is you. You see, there’s a problem with our faces, Bobby. Our faces are fake things. Our faces have always been fake things. They’re things we put on over our truest feelings. And it is the belief of people like us that we must remove the fakery from life. The liars, the cheats, the hypocrites.
The mirror Bobby was dressing in front of at the start of the play reappears on stage. Bobby’s reflection does not have a face, only a blank where his face once was.
REAL DON STEELE: What was the reason for the invention of mass media? Newspapers, radio, television, internet? Consensus reality. Everything that we call existence, the world that we wake up to every day, is maintained only by the fragile facade of each and every one of our minds. Humanity’s unspoken agreement to share in the same illusion. When a child is born their imagination is tolerated for the first few years of their life. After that, they are put into school and retrained how to think, taught what is fact, in order that they too may accept our reality. For if they were allowed to continue their fantasies into adulthood, if enough people began to seriously believe in their dreams…
Bobby’s faceless reflection bangs on the glass.
REAL DON STEELE: Then the world as we know it would vanish. And all the other things… out there…beyond the unknown…would break through.
BOBBY: Wait a minute, you think I’m doing this?
REAL DON STEELE: A man cannot drink from a mirage but he can drown in it.
BOBBY: You’re crazy!
REAL DON STEELE: It’s time to stop playing pretend, Bobby. It’s time to come home. 51
BOBBY: No! I came here looking for you!
REAL DON STEELE: I don’t believe you.
BOBBY: What?
REAL DON STEELE: I don’t believe you really want what you want.
BOBBY: I don’t give a fuck what you believe! I’ve gone though hell for this! If you have the answer, I swear I’ll-
REAL DON STEELE: You’ll what? Kill me? Who do you think you’re talking to?
BOBBY: Ok…maybe you’re God today. I’ve seen weirder shit. Maybe you’re bluffing. Only one way to find out.
REAL DON STEELE: Look babe, if you’re gonna make it in this business you gotta learn to lick the lingo.
BOBBY: I’m not trying to be like you.
REAL DON STEELE: Aren’t you? What do you think you’ve been after this whole time?
BOBBY: No more of this! Answer me!
REAL DON STEELE: You’re willing to risk it all?
BOBBY: Whatever it is, it can’t get any worse.
REAL DON STEELE: (starts laughing)
BOBBY: What?
REAL DON STEELE: You’re ready.
BOBBY: You were just-?
REAL DON STEELE: Had to see for myself.
BOBBY: Bastard.
REAL DON STEELE: So you want to meet Tina, huh? 52
BOBBY: Yes.
REAL DON STEELE: Yes you do.
BOBBY: Then tell me.
REAL DON STEELE: It can’t be told. It can only be shown.
He reaches behind him and pulls out a large, carved, wooden tiki head which he sets between them.
REAL DON STEELE: I brought this back with me from my little vacation in the Amazon. The shaman of a native tribe gave me this totem of their god. Filled with the powder of the Watusi devil root. The most powerful hallucinogenic known to man.
He opens the wooden head and scoops out a pinky finger of white powder.
REAL DON STEELE: He said it would show me the truth.
BOBBY: This is Tina?
REAL DON STEELE: No. This is her calling card. Her direct hotline.
He slides the tiki head over to Bobby.
REAL DON STEELE: She’s waiting for you.
Bobby takes a deep breath. Reaches in. Scoops out a finger-full. Looks at it. Looks at Don. Then snorts it.
He opens his mouth in a silent scream, his eyes wild and bugged out. He clutches his head and curls up with a half-choked groan.
When he sits up, his eyes are bleeding.
Steele is laughing.
REAL DON STEELE: And now, I’m afraid I have a confession for you, my boy. I’m not the Real Don Steele!
Bobby falls to his knees, staring straight up. 53
REAL DON STEELE: I was like you once. A poor lost seeker, trying to find my way, find the “meaning of it all.” You know why I could never find Tina? Because she’s a lie. She’s nothing. I gave up my whole life for nothing!
Bobby slumps over on the floor. Steele crouches down beside him.
REAL DON STEELE: So now…I do what was done to me. I show lost little seekers like you how to follow in my footsteps.
Grabs Bobby’s head and yanks it up to face him.
REAL DON STEELE: Was it worth it?!
Blackout.
A blazing fire cuts through the darkness.
On the opposite end of the stage is a stone altar engulfed in flames.
Real Don Steele covers his eyes with a scream, lets go of Bobby and falls back. The Tiki God descends from above.
TIKI GOD: (British accent) While serving in Her Majesty’s Armed Forces, I was encamped in deepest, darkest India to hunt the royal Bengal tiger. I’d received special permission from the Maharajah to enter the Black Jungle, the Jungle of Death.
Bobby slowly beckons with one finger.
TIKI GOD: So I set out and hid beneath the coconut palms, where the aborigines harvest their mulberry silk. I sat through many hard rains and hail storms, until one night I saw the tiger with stripes of fire stalking my trail through the mulberry silk. Moving like a fever through mosquito curtains.
The Monkey-Demon enters.
TIKI GOD: Both caps misfired and as I began to reload, the tiger charged. In moments the beast was upon me and bit into my left shoulder. I ran and climbed a banyan tree. But the beast followed and dragged me into its claws.
Sheena enters with the Cannibal Tribe.
TIKI GOD: We wrestled in the mulberry silk. I felt its roar and fiery breath. Until I dashed its head upon a rock and the beast and I tumbled over the ridge. 54
All the characters slowly converge on Bobby and Real Don Steele.
TIKI GOD: And as I woke in the Black Jungle, the Jungle of Death, lost in the dark of night, covered in the tiger’s blood, I wondered had I killed the beast or become the beast myself?
SHEENA: The sacrifice must begin.
The Real Don Steele starts laughing.
REAL DON STEELE: (To Bobby) They’re gonna eat you alive!
Bobby stands to his feet, his face is cold fury.
REAL DON STEELE: (mocking) The Great White Hunter.
Bobby flings himself at Steele with a roar. The two struggle and fight, stumbling closer and closer to the altar fire.
At the last minute, Bobby strikes Steele across the face, then grabs him by the collar.
BOBBY: The Real Don Steele, I presume?
Bobby throws him into the fire.
The other characters gather around Bobby in reverence.
Blackout.
55
Scene 14
Bobby is on the floor of his apartment…only it’s not his apartment anymore. It’s merged with the jungle. Tropical plants and exotic flowers are growing through the walls. The sounds of nature are deafening: rivers surge, trees crackle, tigers roar, elephants bellow, bees swarm. Through the wall shines blinding sunlight.
Bobby is now wearing the Real Don Steele’s clothes: same Hawaiian shirt, same tribal necklace, etc.
Circe enters. She stands over Bobby looking down at him.
CIRCE: Are you a god?
BOBBY: No.
CIRCE: Are you a man?
BOBBY: No.
CIRCE: Then what are you?
BOBBY: I’m awake.
She extends him a hand. Bobby hesitates, then takes her hand. Circe helps Bobby to his feet.
CIRCE: You who hears this does not hear. You who seeks shall not attain. You who understands does not understand. For attainment and understanding come only when you are not yourself. When you are nothing.
BOBBY: Then why has everything changed?
CIRCE: You changed. You now see everything as it truly is.
Livingstone enters. He is naked, crawling on all-fours, acting like an animal, sniffing the ground, scratching himself, oblivious to both of them.
BOBBY: What have you done to him?
CIRCE: He did it to himself. Only no one can tell.
She turns and starts to walk away. 56
BOBBY: Wait. Where are you going?
CIRCE: Somewhere new. Strange shadows flit and dance once again amongst the ancient ruins. You came here an unwelcome stranger. To find her deepest secrets, to desecrate her hidden temples, to steal from her golden cities. But now you know the wild beauty is not without her demons. And to touch her forbidden treasure is certain doom.
BOBBY: Then Steele, or whoever he was, was right. He can’t be killed, can he?
CIRCE: You have already taken his place. Her legend brought you to him. You have passed through the fire. You and the legend are as one.
Pause.
BOBBY: Will I see you again?
CIRCE: Stop reciting lines, ______(she refers to him by the actor’s real name). You’re not really Bobby Ray. He’s just a character. We all are. But the play is over. It’s time to stop pretending.
Circe exits.
Bobby watches her go.
Bobby looks down at his hands. They are covered in what looks like red paint or blood. He shrugs off the Hawaiian shirt and begins to smear red all over his bare torso. He draws red slashes on his face like warpaint.
The chant of devil drums builds behind him.
He breaks the fourth wall and stares into the audience with fierce intent.
The actor playing Bobby leaps down from the stage and walks into the audience, out the doors of the theater as the house lights come up. There is no curtain call. 57
Source Work www.ronjacobshawaii.com
‘60s Jungle Garage Teen Beat
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)
The Cramps
WKRP In Cincinnati
“The Flip-Side of Satan”, The Night Gallery
The Ernie Kovacs Show
Frank Zappa’s 200 Motels
The Firesign Theatre
The Serpent & the Rainbow (1988)
Rudyard Kipling
The Illuminatus! Trilogy, Robert Anton Wilson
“Sheena, Queen of the Jungle”, Fiction House
Halloween
Coast To Coast AM
Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room
John Waters
The Gong Show
Alligators in the sewer
“Drunk In My House”, James Hazard
Scopitone
The Archaic Revival: Speculations on Psychedelic Mushrooms, the Amazon, Virtual Reality, UFOs, Evolution, Shamanism, the Rebirth of the Goddess, and the End of History, Terrence McKenna