The Wall of Lies

Number 143 Newsletter established 1991, club formed June first 1980 The newsletter of the South Australian Fan Club Inc., also known as SFSA

MFinal FINAL Adelaide, July--August 2013 WEATHER: Absolute zero Free Horror of Pokémon by staff writers Household pets as mutated gladiators. A totally accurate and above reproach internet meme has lead to much experi- mentation on helpless animals. If you add a little fire to your cat it will apparently become a beautiful fluffy neo-soldier called Flareon. Feeding it nothing but lawn clippings produces a Leafeon, while some electricity makes it a Jolteon. Locking it in a freezer overnight will turn your cat into a Glaceon and a small amount of drowning gives Vaporeon. Subjecting it to severe psychic trauma produces Espeon and raising it in a totally dark environment devoid of any light, stimulus or hope of escape makes an Umbreon. The darkest and most sinister cat of all.

So far this and all the other experiments have proved the effect unrepeatable, leaving a mass of cats, dogs, O ut mice, rats, snakes, doves, seals, pigeons, monkeys, t N No ow ducks, cattle, horses, penguins, foxes, fish, plants, ! Kitten plus flame equals insects, tortoises and people maimed, dead and often Flareon. silly looking.

Smith leaves, farewells show and fans by staff writers Three series on, Doctor Who title role vacates again.

Surprising few, Matt Smith announced on 1 June that he would be leaving Doctor Who in 2013. This was immediately preceded Chameleon Factor # 80 by erroneous claims that official sources had him staying for series eight. While in Detroit filming How To Catch a Monster, O u S t Smith made a video thanking his audience and co-workers. So on While remaining mute he drops a series of cards with messages n! written upon them, in the style of Bob Dylan’s Subterranean Homesick Blues. This was uploaded to the Internet on 21 June.

Production concluded on the as yet unnamed November 2013 50th anniversary special on 5 May, but Smith is yet to finish with the role by way of the following (also untitled) Christmas special. Production on the first production block of series eight is due to begin in September. The identity of his successor has been the subject of much speculation, however this will not be John Hurt. Matt Smith’s thank you. Introduced in the last episode of series seven (The Name of ) as an unknown incarnation of the character, he is apparently only appearing in this episode SFSA magazine # 30 and the anniversary special. q Continued Page 2

Murder evidence Tor Johnson, defies odds, page 2. superstar, page 4. Smith leaves, farewells show and fans

q from Page 1

A new missing episode hoax was publicised on 13 June 2013 by website Bleeding Cool. This claimed that 90 (of 106) missing episodes had been returned from Africa. On 18 June Phillip Morris of archive service TIEA was implicated when it was found he had shipped three tons of film prints from

Africa in 2011. Morris denounced the claim in an online statement and has told A S

The Wall of Lies “I'll believe it when I see it.” On 19 June Philip Fleming, the A N

Head of Communications at BBC Worldwide, said: “There are always rumours : e

… however, we cannot confirm any new finds.” In 1985 The Time Meddler was c r

found in Nigeria, but sales and transport records are incomplete. It is believed u

Galaxy 4 to The Smugglers were held by SLTV in Sierra Leone until the sta- o S tion’s civil war destruction in 1999, with the loss of 22 still missing episodes. ABC2 has begun repeating Doctor Who twice a day, while SCI-FI and July 2012 Hubble image of the Pluto system. Nickelodeon have exhausted their rights. Eleven began from 27 Long exposures were required to discern the May. The run could continue to the free to air premiere of Miracle Day, but the dim satellites over Pluto’s reflected light. K-9 station admits there are no guarantees and still no plans for . UKTV plays Sky Watch McCoy Who episodes through July on Sunday afternoons with Paradise Towers, Remembrance of the Daleks, The Greatest Show in the Galaxy, The Pluto moons P4/P5 named Curse of Fenric and Survival.

Preservation Issues TWO NEWLY DISCOVERED moons of Pluto have been named after the lord of the underworld’s dog and river. Aykroyd’s career survives murder bomb Kerberos was discovered in June 2011 and Styx in by staff writers July 2012. Both required multiple long term exposures Contacts with the reflected light from Styx estimated to be THE CALGARY POLICE investigated a 100,000th that of Pluto. They were informally referred suspicious find when a sanitation to as P4 and P5 pending nomenclature by the Jamie Stidiford worker thought he discovered a International Astronomical Union. (President) snuff film at the rubbish dump. One Mark Showalter lead the team which found the new image showed Dan Aykroyd holding [email protected] moons, and proposes a common origin for all the a knife, crouched over a torso with satellites, "This system began when something big hit several stab wounds. Contacted Pluto billions of years ago -- it created this big cloud of Martin Dunne through his agency, it was deter- debris, most of which condensed to form Charon." The mined the film was a damaged (The Wall of Lies editor) smaller moons orbit in near resonances with Charon, 35mm print of 1990 bomb Loose the largest and nearest to Pluto, with Styx at a ratio of [email protected] Cannons. Website TMZ claimed 1:3, Nix at 1:4, Kerberos at 1:5 and Hydra at 1:6. Aykroyd quipped “The movie In February 2012 an internet poll was held to suggest should have been left in the landfill Tammy Vogel names for the IAU to choose from. William Shatner where it belongs.” suggested Romulus and Vulcan, but these were (Magazine editor) Rubbish dumps are sometimes struck down as Romulus was already taken (asteroid [email protected] nominated at potential film recovery 10386 Romulus), and Vulcan (the winner) had nothing sources. However modern landfill to do with the underworld. Cerberus and Styx came procedures involve compacting second and third, with the Greek spelling of Kerberos Postal address: material through shredding, with selected to avoid confusion with 1865 Cerberus. PO Box 870 forces exceeding 4000 PSI (about Charon was discovered in 1978 and Nix and Hydra 28 megapascals), equivalent to the North Adelaide were found by the Hubble Space Telescope in 2005. pressure at the bottom of the Imaging of the Pluto system has been ongoing with SA 5006 Australia Pacific Ocean. In 1980 a fragment Hubble in anticipation for the fly by of New Horizons in of The Story of the Kelly Gang July 2015. Rings, ring arcs or other debris may dam- (1906) was returned by an anony- Mailing list age the probe, with the discovery of new satellites a mous source who claimed to have bonus. The probe is intended to then fly on and subscription: found it on top of a rubbish tip in encounter a Kuiper Belt object. [email protected] Melbourne.

This is a publication of SFSA: the South Australian Doctor Who Fan Club Inc., a non profit organisation. No attempt has been made to supersede the copyright of any holders of trademark or copyrighted 20/7, 17/8, 21/9 images, text, or information. $5.00 $4.00 Whilst every care has been taken to ensure that the contents of the newsletter is accurate at the time of printing, SFSA cannot accept any liability for inaccura- cies that may appear. Meeting details are subject to change at short notice.

2 www.sfsa.org.au July-August 2013 Printed by the Federal Printing House Club August 3 Pub meeting 17.30 Membership Venue: Earl of Leicester Annual membership rates are $20. Transmission schedule August 17 General meeting 15.00 This entitles you to one year’s subscription August-September 2013 Venue: Adelaide High School to the club’s publications: bimonthly The Wall of Lies and SFSA magazine, and the November 23 2013 Details TBA Doctor Who Monday to Friday 19.40 Doctor Who themed yearbook Chameleon Help us celebrate the Repeated ~ ABC2 Factor. Also included are discounted entry 50th anniversary of Dr Who Torchwood 20.30 Mondays on Eleven fees to SFSA meetings, and discounts at Box Factory Community Centre various stores around Adelaide. ~ Countrycide 1/7 59 Regent St South, Adelaide ~ Rose 4/7 Archive ~ The End of the World 5/7 Discounts ~ 8/7 ~ Greeks Bearing Gifts 8/7 Pulp Fiction Chamelleon Factor 12, ~ Aliens of London 9/7 10% off comics and graphic novels August 1983 ~ World War Three 10/7 The only confirmed item of news ~ Dalek 11/7 Events is the new ... is ~ 12/7 Nicola Bryant. Only 21 and just ~ Father's Day 15/7 In May we played Cards Against Humanity. out of American drama school, ~ They Keep Killing Suzie 15/7 although she is actually English. ~ 16/7 In June we elected a new committee at our ~ 17/7 annual general meeting. Attendance fees [Nicola was already 23 when ~ Boom Town 18/7 have increased one dollar and annual this was printed and had never ~ 19/7 membership is now $20. been to America.] ~ 22/7 ~ 22/7 NEW COMMITTEE: ~ The Christmas Invasion 23/7 President: Jamie ~ 24/7 Secretary: Martin ~ Tooth and Claw 25/7 Treasurer: Tammy ~ School Reunion 26/7 General: Brenton, David R., Melanie, Ross ~ The Girl in the Fireplace 29/7 ~ 29/7 OLD COMMITTEE: ~ Rise of the Cybermen 30/7 President: Jamie ~ The Age Of Steel 31/7 Secretary: Martin ~ The Idiot's Lantern 1/8 Treasurer: Tammy ~ The Impossible Planet 2/8 General: Brenton, David I., David R., Tim ~ The Satan Pit 5/8 ~ 5/8 ~ Love & Monsters 6/8 The Wall of Lies

~ Fear Her 7/8 Issue 83 Established 1991 ~ 8/8 The news sheet of SFSA incorporating the South Australian Doctor Who Fan Club Inc. STATE Adelaide, July 2003 www.sfsa.org.au WEATHER Fine Free (includes GST) ~ 9/8 FRAUD AT POLLS! Ed Wood themed issue SFSA ~ The Runaway Bride 12/8 World’s poorest Freud Magazine 13, cover by Neal Powell. ~ Captain 12/8 impersonator exposed! ~ Smith and Jones 13/8 by staff writers Fandom ~ The Shakespeare Code 14/8 AN eleventh hour psychological evalu- ~ 15/8 ation was attempted upon candidates at Adelaide Zombie Walk ~ Daleks in Manhattan 16/8 the SFSA AGM. Instead, “friend of 2013 ~ Evolution of the Daleks 19/8 friend” attendee got in w!! contact with “inner No child”. tt ~ 19/8 Ou ~ The Lazarus Experiment 20/8 Saturday 12 October, 2013 at Rymill Park. ~ 42 21/8 TREK HOAX FOOLS MEDIA ~ 22/8 by staff writers Defamatory stereotype invented SFSA magazine # 12 Festivities start 3pm. ~ The Family of Blood 23/8 A wire service rewrite of a local newspaper story was picked up by international media, claiming offi- Walk begins at 7pm sharp. ~ 26/8 cial recognition of Star Trek fans as mental health ~ Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang 26/8 patients. Please bring a gold coin donation The May 10, 2003 edition of The Oregonian carried a story on the w!! Department of Human Services in Multnomah County, Oregon, credited to o ~ 27/8 N Steve Winwood. tt and / or a non - perishable food Ou This was picked up by The Associated Press and rewritten with the head- ~ The Sound of Drums 28/8 line “Position Available: Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon.” item for charity FOODBANK SA. ~ Last of the Time Lords 29/8 Continued Page 2 Chameleon Factor # 77 ~ Voyage of the Damned 30/8 Old Video, Page 2 Shock Report, Page 4 www.adelaidezombiewalk.vacau.com [email protected] The Wall of Lies 83, July 2003. Check local and daily program listings www.sfsa.org.au July-August 2013 3 Subscription due if a red dot appears Ed Wood, secret agent in this box

By Colin Schmidt (With thanks to Craig White) “Wood, I’d murder ya! If I didn’t have a distributors meet in five hours in from a hole in his tuxedo. this very office, I’d just grab yer with one hand, and lay inta ya ‘till you I climbed over the bar, cursing. I mean it was bad news about Cris, but were DEAD!” I was already angry about the ladder. The drag sprinted out the front “Gee, C.J., that’s pretty bad! I hope it’s not anything I’ve done!” door, I ran right behind her. As she started across the car park, I yelled “Done? Done! I’ll tell ya what you’ve done!!!” out “Tor!!!”, then jumped back behind the door as she turned around and In contrast to our heated words, our body language was relaxed. Ced tried to draw a bead on me. had crossed his right leg; I flicked ash in the ashtray on the near side of Tor had to wait in the car outside. He wouldn’t have fitted in with the the table. scene. To be quite frank, he smelt. He lumbered slowly out of the car, “Green light, Ced.” I said. while she stood gaping at him. As he drew his arms up, she finally got “You took five thousand of Classic Production’s money, and you made her finger back on the trigger, and shot him twice, screaming all the a turkey! And you brought it back to me like it was Shakespeare, and I while. They always look terrible when they realise. can’t even show this thing to my maid!” “Don’t kill her!” I yelled, but it was too late. With one mighty swing, I I made eye contact this time, and pointed over his door. He looked up, heard the transvestite’s neck snap. and then sat back in his chair. “Sorry.” he apologised in his Limey, toffee nosed, real accent. I waved dismissively, disturbing the smoke. The house was dark, the exterior humble. As always the front door eerily “It’s OK, Ced.” I said. Field agent are by nature observative, plus I was swung open on its own. He might be down on his luck, but still has the of course eager to stop his charade of anger directed at me. So I hospitality of an Old World gentleman. watched the light, and as soon as the electronic sweep confirmed that “Eddie ... did you bring my stuff?”. A dark figure seemed to gather from the room was free of bugs I wanted to get on with business. specks of dust. It became solid, blocking the moonlight. “We’ve heard a ghost of a rumour”, said Cedric, in his clipped Home “Sure, Bela,” I held up the squirming bag, “but first I need your help”. Counties radio announcer’s voice, “that one of our Russkie friends likes There was a huge sigh. The figure rose slowly into the air. A ceiling drinking in drag on Sunset Strip. Secretary at the Consulate, no name.” beam groaned as his weight settled from it. “Right.” I said. “Any preferences?” “Criswell got shot ... why would anyone want to shoot a fake television “Has been spotted in a blond wig. Probably about to make the next fortune teller?” I asked. step.” “I’m sure I don’t know ... Eddie, can I have my stuff?” “Help me first Bela! Then why else would someone try to kill him?” Gathering information is one of the primary occupations of the “Why, why, why! It is always the same! Bela, mesmerise the ambassa- Intelligence business. Why, if you look in our files, you’ll find four fifths of dor! Bela, turn into mist and find out what is in that safe! Bela, fly past it comes straight off the public record--newspapers, transcripts of the bedroom window and see what is going on! Always the questions!” Congress, kinescopes of interviews. When I was recruited into “It’s because you do our country good work, and I for one am proud!” Intelligence in the Pacific, I was amazed at the stuff I could pick up at a At mention of his obligations, he calmed right down. watering hole. Loose Lips Sink Ships. “You think it is easy ... you get that Karloff to try and do it ... there is no It was just a natural progression. One day I’m listening to a drunk sailor skill ... always the stomping and the arms out and the Raaagh! giving away his sailing orders under a canvass sheet in Bougainville, the Raaaaagh!!!!” next day I’m in a gay bar in Beverley Hills listening to a star of stage and He swung aggressively back and forth as he mimicked his old rival. screen tell all about who’s in bed with the Soviets. It’s all American. Then he said it. Since this was to be informal, I felt comfortable mixing outfits. Baby blue “Karloff is a Limey fake ...” Bela trailed off. silk, sheer stockings, white skirt and Angora sweater. Red Angora cap. I “Thanks, Bela! You’ve hit the nail right on the head!” wore sensible pumps, can’t run in high heels. I dropped his sack as I ran back to the car. It whimpered. “Mistah Eddie?” I felt a baritone from Hell inquire. Since the Hougan brought Tor Johnson back he’s been just the same, “Ya BUM Wood!!! I screened ya piece of trash and ya know what? They only impervious to bullets. Hasn’t harmed his appetite. laughed! They all laughed and walked out! There ain’t no one who wants “Yes, Tor, we have dark work tonight. We’re going to cruise the Strip!” to show your piece of garbage-” Cedric stopped in mid-sentence. This time he was watching the lights over the door, and I was watching him. Criswell was waiting for us at Geronimo’s. “She was armed. Ignored me, and shot poor Criswell. Bam.” “Good day?” he inquired. “Well that’s too bad, Ed.” said Ced, in his real accent. “Fabulous!” I responded. I felt great. “The thing is, Cedric, she only wounded him. He’s right outside, listen- “Ahhh... I predict, that by the end of the day, you’ll have had an even ing in over the speaker phone.” better time!” Cedric jumped up, and commenced drawing a gun from the desk. I felt flushed. Cris is such a great guy. “Drop it!” I commanded him, letting my cap fall and revealing I had been Of course he’s not a precognitive. That would be preposterous. He’s an aiming my gun at him all along. empath. He can read emotions. It’s quite obvious really. Watch his act, if Cedric ignored me, and pointed his firearm right between my eyes. the audience is in a good mood he feeds them happy stuff, if not it’s all Suddenly I recognised it. My own gun. doom and gloom. They eat it up. “Too bad Wood. Substituted guns, y’know, last meeting.” And he’s a lie detector with legs. I looked down, to find I had indeed got some kind of unconvincing prop I looked around the room. Apart from the usual, I saw several drags, a with a powder charge clutched in my hand. couple unfamiliar. I caught Cris’ eye, and moved towards the nearer, “Only you, Tor, and I knew Cris was going to be there. And who benefits quite frumpy in brown. Looked kind of Russian to me, like a potato sack, from killing the human lie detector? Sooner or later he would have whatever it was. I held up a cigarette as if I wanted a light. She looked caught you, whatever your secret is...” at be blankly. Caked in make up. Cheap wig. Men’s shoes. Potato sack. “Don’t gloat too long, Wood” spat the Limey fake. “It’s short work recti- Then she reached into handbag, and pulled out a gun. fying the situation!” Now, don’t think I’m cowardly for this, but she had the drop on me. It’s Ced was backing up to the door. I couldn’t tell if he was planning to not easy to hide a firearm when you’re not dressed for it. As a matter of shoot me first, or go shoot Cris. Not that it would do him much good, fact, my gun was concealed exactly where she had hers; in my handbag. since I had told him one little lie. Cris wasn’t the one outside, he was in You can’t draw from a handbag when someone has the drop on you, like the hospital. she had on me, so I did the only thing I could. I stepped up on the railing I decided to call his bluff. in front of the bar, and vaulted clear behind it. My right knee laddered. “Tor!!!” Now I was angry! The door burst in like a plywood prop. Cedric froze for an instant, then start- As I drew my gun I heard a shot, and came up ready to fire. She was ed screaming and firing. running down the far end of the bar. Cris was slumped over, smoke rising Justice came to Cedric Judas in the form of a four hundred and twelve pound zombie. 4 www.sfsa.org.au July-August 2013 From SFSA 13, August 2003 (edited).