1
"ASSASSIN ACADEMY"
by
David Von Kotzebue
WGA Registration #: 1340585
DAVID VON KOTZEBUE (720)859-3258 [email protected] 2 FADE IN:
INT. A FIGHTING ARENA – NIGHT
TWO MIXED MARTIAL ARTS (MMA) CONTESTANTS fight in the ring. One twitches before he throws a punch. The crowd CHEERS.
A MALE ARMY MAJOR, 30-something WESLEY VAN DAMME, and a FEMALE ARMY MAJOR, 30-something JOAN DARKO, file in to their seats. With them in a Merchant Marine uniform is a female, 30-something SHIRLEY COX. A line of CADETS in blue and gray sports jackets follow them to their seats.
We first see FILA LEE, 21-year old West Point cadet, also CHARLINE CHAPMAN, 21-year old Annapolis Midshipman, as well as BUZZ ALDRICH, 21-year old Air Force Academy cadet.
The MMA contestants continue to battle, to the roar of the crowd. The fighter with the twitch continues to twitch before making moves.
The bell RINGS and the fighters retire to their corners, where they're tended to by trainers and coaches.
An ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER That's it, ladies and gentlemen, the end of Round One of the Ultimate Fighting Championships.
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming to Madison Square Garden tonight, the winners of this year's U.S. Service Academy mixed martial arts championships.
The CADETS and their SUPERVISORS stand and wave as the crowd cheers. 3 ANNOUNCER They are led by Army Major Wesley Van Damme and Navy Lieutenant Joan Darko.
Wesley and Joan wave as the crowd cheers.
WESLEY (Aside) Sorry about that, Shirley...I guess they don't know about the Merchant Marine Academy.
SHIRLEY (Aside) I'll take all the anonymity I can get.
ANNOUNCER Our civilian fighters fight for a belt and a rich purse, but these cadets will soon be guarding our freedom out of their love of country. Once again, give it up for the MMA champions of the U.S. Service Academies!
The CADETS and their SUPERVISORS stand and wave as the crowd cheers. They sit down.
A ROUNG GIRL in a bikini circles the ring holding up a large “2” sign. The bell rings.
The two fighters circle each other to start Round Two. The fighter with the twitch twitches. He misses with a punch. His opponent slips the punch and hammers him with a roundhouse kick. The first fighter goes down and the second fighter pounces on him, punching him unmercifully.
The REFEREE separates them and points the top fighter to a neutral corner. He looks into the eyes of the losing fighter. He signals a knockout and the crowd goes wild. 4 ANNOUNCER That's it for the bantamweight division, ladies and gentleman, the referee has signaled a knockout. At 10 seconds into the second round, your winner by a knockout, and the Ultimate Fighting bantamweight champion of the world, Tommy Gunn!
The REFEREE holds TOMMY'S hand up. The Ring Girl brings him a championship belt, which he holds up to the cheers of the crowd.
FADE IN:
INT. A MILITARY BUS - NIGHT.
The MMA cadets ride in the back, their supervisors in the front. The bus drives through upstate New York.
Wesley stands.
WESLEY OK, let's debrief what we saw. What did you notice in the bantamweight division bout?
Fila raises his hand.
WESLEY Cadet Lee.
FILA A tell. The loser told he was going to attack with that twitch. It was only a matter of time until Tommy figured it out, then, BOOM!
WESLEY Very good, Cadet Lee. Watch your tells, people. Don't telegraph your moves. 5 OK, we'll debrief the other bouts back at West Point. Get some rest, we've got a hard day of training tomorrow.
Wesley sits next to Joan.
JOAN Our second team could have beaten any of them...
WESLEY Yeah but, they only fight for gold. Our stakes are much higher...
FADE IN:
INT. A MISSILE SILO
TECHNICIANS in lab coats monitor computer screens.
SIGNS in Farsi, Korean and English: “TOP SECRET.” Also: “DANGER.” Also the SYMBOL FOR NUCLEAR MATERIAL.
A massive steel door opens. A nuclear warhead on a dolly drives in. GUARDS in military uniforms with machine guns run alongside it.
Another massive steel door opens. A missile top looms behind it. A crane lifts the nuclear warhead ominously towards it.
A 60-something Iranian general, GENERAL AHMEDINAJAB, and a 60-something Korean general, GENERAL IL, watch from an observation room.
IL Your stealth is most admirable, General Ahmedinajab. While the West argues about sanctions, we're almost ready to launch. 6 AHMEDINAJAB The Iraqis were fools to disarm as they were told, General Il. Look what it got them.
IL Tragic. But we'll succeed where they failed. How long until we're ready for Operation Scimitar?
AHMEDINAJAB For an actual launch? Six months, my scientists tell me.
AHMEDINAJAB Excellent. You can have the Pacific...
IL And you can have the Middle East...
AHMEDINAJAB And we'll divide up the West as planned.
IL Bush called us, the “Axis of Evil.”
AHMEDINAJAB When he was the head of the Great Satan!
IL Ah, it's all relative, Ahmedinajab. We have plenty of evil to bring down on their heads.
They LAUGH.
AHMEDINAJAB What do you think you'll do with Canada, Il? 7 IL Visit it, maybe hunt there. For certain I'll make Toronto my capital.
The door to the observation room bursts open. Four GUARDS rush in. Their guns are pointed towards the head of a tall CAUCASIAN MAN.
GUARD We found him outside, photographing the facility.
AHMEDINAJAB Ah, Mister Bond, we've been expecting you. We've watched your every move ever since you were airdropped in to Iran. You must think we were born yesterday...
Take him to my office.
The guards spirit BOND into Ahmedinajab's office.
A large, modern office sparkles with the latest communications technology. A row of HUMAN HEADS on plaques lines one wall.
A marble block with a scimitar near it is near one corner. Blood streaks run down the block like the legs of a spider.
AHMEDINAJAB Do you like my trophies, Mister Bond? They're the heads of the last Western spies who tried to penetrate this facility. I'm sure my scimitar is getting quite dull. I hope it's sharp enough to take your head off with one blow. Two is entirely too messy.
Tie him up! Hold him down! 8 The guards strip Bond of his upper garments and tie his hands and feet. They hold him, face down, on the marble block.
Ahmedinajab lifts the scimitar. He looks at its edge. He feels it with his thumb.
AHMEDINAJAB Just sharp enough. This isn't the movies, Mister Bond, where you get away because we don't dispatch of you fast enough. Say your prayers, if you know any.
Ahmedinajab raises the scimitar. He makes a decisive downward blow. Blood splatters on Ahmedinajab and Il.
FADE IN:
INT. A COLLEGE CLASSROOM – DAY
A SIGN: “ETHICS 202”
A West Point classroom, a stark, gray-painted cinder block room with chalkboards on each wall. 20 cadets, air cadets and midshipmen sit in student desks.
Shirley stands in front of the class, dressed in a Merchant Marine uniform.
SHIRLEY This ought to be interesting: A service academy mixed martial arts ethics class. Is anybody convoluted about what we do?
(Pause)
CHARLISE, an athletic-looking, 20-something Naval Academy cadet, raises her hand. 9 CHARLISE The only thing I'm conflicted about is having the Assassin Academy at West Point. Annapolis would have been a much better choice.
(Laughter)
BUZZ And Air Force better yet. We should be training at altitude.
FILA Ah, you flyboys will never have to fight anything tougher than your joysticks anyway.
SHIRLEY OK, OK, plenty of service academy rivalry, I get that. Just remember, Fila, when the chips are down, you're going to be mighty glad you've got the Air Force and Navy on your side.
CHARLISE Except on Army-Navy day. That's when we kick your butts every year.
SHIRLEY OK, let's use that as a starting point. Two teams, both pray for a victory on the football field. Whose prayers does God answer?
CHARLISE Ours. That's why we kick your butts every year. You guys must be just plain unholy.
SHIRLEY Let's get back on topic. How about, “Thou shalt not kill?” 10 Discussion?
Fila raises his hand.
FILA I get that that's better- translated, “You shall do no murder.” Seeing as the children of Israel went to plenty of wars when the Bible says God was on their side, then war is not murder.
SHIRLEY Let's get down to brass tacks. You know you're the Assassin Academy, the best up and comers for super-spies the U.S. has got. You may be asked to eliminate enemies with your bare hands. In fact, it's almost a sure thing. Are you prepared to do that?
BUZZ As long as they're enemies, sure.
FILA In fact, we're sworn to.
SHIRLEY Well, you may get your wish to put your lives on the line for your country before you knew it.
The cadets look at each other, puzzled.
SHIRLEY Here's a hot piece of poop: Major Van Damme has accepted an invitation to the Dojo of Death.
The cadets look at each other, again, curious. 11 SHIRLEY The Assassin Academy is just one of many around the world. The Dojo of Death is an annual mixed martial arts competition among them. The winner is the last man or woman standing.
FILA (Under his breath) Holy shit!
SHIRLEY Your training is going to intensify, starting tomorrow.
CHARLISE Ma'am...I do have a question, a practical one. If there's a Dojo of Death don't all the countries expose their secret agents?
SHIRLEY It's just a martial arts event, an extreme one, to be sure, and way underground. But we suspect that the Assassin Academies worldwide are heavily represented. Our agents worldwide have been disappearing at an alarming rate. We feel like if we can kill theirs before they hit the streets, we'll be better off in the long run. For your info, the North Koreans have won it the past three years running.
Now does anyone have any discussion about ethics?
CHARLISE Yes, Ma'am. Do you have any openings in your Seductress School? 12 (Laughter)
SHIRLEY Careful what you wish for, Charlise, you might get it. I'd say being a seductress is almost as dangerous as the Dojo of Death.
(Pause)
SHIRLEY Listen, come here and look out this window.
The cadets comply. They see the statue of General George Patton, Jr., below.
SHIRLEY Who's statue is that?
FILA General George S. Patton, Junior, ma'am. Arguably the best general of World War Two.
SHIRLEY That's right. And do you know what Patton told his troops? He said, “Some of you think war is about dying for your country, but you're wrong. War is about making some other poor bastard die for his country.”
Now, we're not asking you to die in the Dojo of Death. We're asking you to kill.
A bell RINGS.
SHIRLEY OK, that's ethics class for today. See you in the morning. 13 FADE IN:
EXT. THE WEST POINT ASSEMBLY AREA, EARLY MORNING.
The Assassin Academy cadets assemble in a platoon formation. Wesley and Joan stand at the front.
WESLEY Platoon, atten...tion !
The platoon snaps to attention.
WESLEY Right...face !
The platoon executes a right face.
WESLEY Double-time...march !
The platoon runs. Wesley and Joan run at their side.
WESLEY Cadet Lee, call the cadence.
FILA Yes, sir!
FILA PLATOON Here we go! Here we go! All the way! All the way! Good run! Good run! We love to run! We love to run! Here we go! Here we go! All the way! All the way! 14 JOAN (Aside) Where to today, Wes?
WESLEY The ski hill.
JOAN Oh, shit.
INT. A WEST POINT DORM ROOM, THE SAME EARLY MORNING
Four CADETS sleep in two bunk beds. Two of them awaken to the sound of the MMA platoon's cadence. One looks at his watch.
CADET #1 Holy shit, it's 4:30 a.m. We don't have to get up for another hour . Who are those crazy fucks?
CADET #2 That's the MMA Team, douche-bag. They're starting two-a-days.
CADET #1 Do they have to be so noisy about it? Jesus, they're spoiling some serious rack time.
CADET #2 Totally. Before reveille runs, and what do you get? Some ninja beating your brains out. Uhhh...back to sleep!
The two cadets roll over and put their pillows over their heads.
INT. THE CABINET MEETING ROOM OF THE WHITE HOUSE – DAY
The JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF, the CABINET, and the 15 PRESIDENT and VICE-PRESIDENT meet.
The President, CONSTANCE VIGIL, a 50'ish Latina, sits in the middle of the conference table.
VIGIL Alright, Admiral Muldoon, you called this emergency meeting. What's this all about?
The CHAIRMAN of the JOINT CHIEFS, 50-something ADMIRAL MULDOON, speaks.
MULDOON President Vigil, we believe we have proof that the Iranians have nuclear weapons.
The SECRETARY OF STATE, 50'ish ROLAND GARROS, adds on.
ROLAND Not only that, but the means to deploy them.
VIGIL That's serious stuff, Roland. We need absolutely incontrovertible proof, after the Iraq debacle. What have you got?
ROLAND Our top agent, John Bond, sent pictures before he was captured.
VIGIL Let's see them.
A DIGITAL SLIDE appears on a screen at the end of the table. It's an industrial building.
VIGIL Could be any building.
MULDOON If we zoom in... 16
The slides zooms in to a SIGN.
VIGIL The international sign for nuclear material...
ROLAND Exactly.
MULDOON The sign says, “Danger - Hazardous Materials.”
VIGIL In what languages?
(Pause)
MULDOON In Farsi and Korean, Madam President.
VIGIL Farsi is Iranian. The other being in Korean is not good.
ROLAND We believe it's the Axis of Evil, in operation. The North Koreans have been clandestinely shipping the Iranians nuclear bomb-making materials for decades.
VIGIL Could be a peaceful use. We need more proof.
ROLAND Bond sent these pictures from the inside.
Slides of the missile and the launch area shimmer on the screen. 17 VIGIL Shit. OK, that's proof enough for me. You say Bond was captured, Roland? Will he talk?
ROLAND No, ma'am, he won't talk. The Iranians sent this...
MULDOON It's pretty graphic, Madame President. Are you ready for that?
VIGIL I was an Army nurse in combat, Admiral. I've seen everything.
MULDOON Alright, then...
A video plays. An image of the Islamic Revolution and the Islamic Republic of Iran.
A scimitar. It's lifted up. We see General Ahmedinajab.
AHMEDINAJAB Again the Great Satan attempts to undermine the Sovereign Islamic Republic of Iran. I will show you what happens to all of our enemies, foreign and domestic.
Bond kneels at the marble block. Ahmedinajab raises the sword and decapitates him. Blood splatters everywhere.
VIGIL Good Lord! I've seen enough, turn it off!
(Pause) 18 VIGIL (Cont'd) I guess I never saw that in combat. At least my patients had parts of their heads attached.
(Pause)
VIGIL (Cont'd) OK, I'm fine now. So, how do we respond? State Department?
ROLAND We believe Israel is in imminent danger, given the behavior and rhetoric of the Iranians in the past decade.
MULDOON Israel at least . That missile has a range of twelve thousand miles.
ROLAND Meaning Europe and the coasts of the U.S.
VIGIL Good Lord! I thought all this was at least a decade away. Roland, notify the Israeli ambassador.
Options? Joint Chiefs?
MULDOON Bond gave us the location. We could take it out with precision smart bombs, launched from either Air Force Stealth bombers or Navy planes on carriers in the Indian Ocean.
VIGIL State Department? Roland? Ramifications? 19 ROLAND Could work, but...
VIGIL But what? Worst case scenario?
ROLAND The worst case, Constance, is...World War Three.
(Pause)
ROLAND (Cont'd) Our intelligence indicates that our policies in the Middle East has them ready to unite. With North Korea and possibly even China in the alliance, they may feel they have enough firepower to tip the balance of power in their favor.
(Pause)
VIGIL Shit, World War Three on my watch...Unacceptable! Clandestine operations?
ROLAND Connie, unfortunately our best agents have all been eliminated. Bond was our last double-O.
VIGIL No up-and-comers? What about that clandestine academy you briefed me about when I took office? The Assassin Academy?
MULDOON They're good, they're very good. Tops in the world. But they're young, college age. It would be rushing them into action. 20
VIGIL The Axis won't be looking for college kids...
Their tuition just went up, Admiral. Prepare them for action. I want to try this before I'll risk World War Three.
(Pause)
VIGIL Make it happen, people! I want a workable plan on my desk in two days!
MULDOON Yes, ma'am.
The participants rise to leave. They look at one another apprehensively.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE WEST POINT GYM, DAY
Cadets spar in multiple rings. Other cadets chair their corners and cheer them on. Wesley and Joan observe from from the sides.
Fila spars against Buzz. Charlise cheers from Buzz's corner.
Fila lands three roundhouse kicks to Buzz's headgear. Buzz staggers backwards.
CHARLISE C'mon , Buzz! Are you going to let this Woop whoop you?! 21 Charlise admires Fila's build. Another FEMALE MIDSHIPMAN watches her. They speak in WHISPERS.
FEMALE MIDSHIPMAN Hey, you're not falling for that Woop , are you?
CHARLISE Me ? Fall for a Woop ? You must be out of your mind!
FEMALE MIDSHIPMAN He is kind of cute...And what a bod ! You could do worse.
FEMALE MIDSHIPMAN Besides, you know the rule about keeping your feelings to yourself. Falling for another agent could be fatal.
(Pause)
FEMALE MIDSHIPMAN (Cont'd) Yeah, I hate that rule, too.
Wesley blows a whistle. The combatants in every ring go to their corners.
Wesley and Joan confer along the sides.
WESLEY I've never seen them train so hard.
JOAN I guess that Dojo of Death is quite an incentive.
WESLEY And item for discussion in ethics, very personal now. 22 JOAN Kind of ironic that the Assassin Academy is coached by the Ethics Department, wouldn't you say?
WESLEY Very! But our enemies will never suspect.
Discussion has been lively in my class. How has it been in yours?
JOAN They're OK with killing enemies. They don't want to say it, but I think they're processing what happens if they lose in the Dojo.
WESLEY Kill or be killed, that's the soldier's real code, no matter how the Brass tidies it up.
JOAN Yup. Just think, their civilian counterparts are only concerned with how much beer they can drink.
WESLEY Our kids put away their share on leave, I'm sure. If they're anything like we were.
JOAN They may put away even more knowing they're headed for a death match. The stakes couldn't get any higher.
An ENLISTED SOLDIER brings Wesley an envelope. The soldier salutes Wesley. He salutes back and opens the envelope as the enlisted soldier leaves. 23 WESLEY Actually, they could...Take a look at this.
Joan reads the letter.
JOAN The White House...shit! Iran...within three months. Shit, shit, shit!
WESLEY “Further orders follow.” Well, I guess we finally get to start earning our keep!
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
EXT. A NYC STREET - NIGHT
A SIGN in a restaurant's window: “MAMA LEONE'S.”
The Assassin Academy West Point kids walk out. They hold their stomachs. They stagger a bit as they walk.
FILA That Mama Leone, she's my mama away from home.
UNNAMED CADET Nice of her to send five sons through WooPooU. And to guarantee seats to any West Pointers.
They walk past the line of people waiting to get in.
FILA Yep, no waiting. Like you losers !
UNNAMED CADET Easy does it, Fila. No inciting the locals, remember? 24
FILA Wish I had a date to impress.
UNNAMED CADET You could have taken Charlise, is how I hear it.
FILA What ?! Treat a squid right? No way !
UNNAMED CADET That's the Army spirit. She is a fox, though. I mean, for a squid.
FILA For a squid. Speaking of squids, we're supposed to meet them & the zoomies at the Club Manhattan... Let's go.
They stumble down the street. They sing the West Point fight song:
ALL On, brave old Army team, On, through the fray! Fight on to victory, For that's the fearless Army way!
A SIGN in a bar window: “CLUB MANHATTAN.” The West Point cadets enter. They see the others, wave, and join them.
BUZZ So how was Mama's?
FILA Sumptuous, as always. I could burst. Where'd you guys eat? 25 BUZZ Mickey Mantle's. Can't get enough of the Mick. Join us in a pitcher?
FILA Absolutely. Where's Charlise?
BUZZ Out on the dance floor.
Buzz signals for another pitcher and points. Fila looks in Charlise' direction. She is dressed in a flimsy top and a tight skirt. She dances with a burly CIVILIAN.
Fila admires her.
FILA Damn. I'm going to have to start calling squids, foxes. At least the female ones. I'm going to go cut in.
BUZZ Hold on there, tiger! Cutting in may be acceptable at military balls, but this is a night club. That guy might not like it.
A WAITER brings a pitcher and several glasses. Fila fills his.
FILA Manners are manners. That guy will have to just step aside.
BUZZ That guy , dingle berry, is a defensive lineman for the New York Jets . Take a look at him, he's as big as a house .
FILA Looks like a fat slob to me. 26
Fila takes a drink of his beer. He walks towards Charlise.
BUZZ Oh, shit...
Fila taps the JET on the shoulder. His lips say, “I want to cut in.” The Jet pushes him aside.
Fila taps the Jet on the shoulder again. His lips say, “I want to cut in.” The Jet pushes him aside, again, harder this time.
Fila taps the Jet on the shoulder again. The Jet takes a lumbering swing at him. Fila ducks it and delivers a karate kick square on his face. The Jet goes down backwards in a crash.
Charlise smiles at him. They dance together as bouncers drag the Jet away.
Before the end of the dance, twelve more Jets lumber up behind Fila.
Buzz watches from his table.
BUZZ Uh oh! Come on, you guys. Looks like the Air Force has got to rescue the Army and the Navy this time.
A couple of the larger Jets tap Fila on the shoulders. He turns around and ducks just in time for them to punch each other. Charlise holds two at bay with kicks.
Buzz and the other Academy members enter the fray. The Academy members drop all twelve Jets with martial arts moves. As they fall, they break tables, chairs, and glasses.
When the dust clears, the Academy members stand in the middle of a dozen large, passed-out bodies. 27
Patrons part to let the Academy members out. Out on the streets, they celebrate.
BUZZ Woo! Now that's what I call a fight!
FILA I call it a practicum.
CHARLISE Major Van Damme will be proud...
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE WEST POINT GYM, DAY.
The Academy members stand at attention in platoon formation. Their eyes are straight ahead as Wesley and Joan walk around them and chew them out.
WESLEY Thirteen men? You laid out thirteen men?
FILA That's all there were, sir.
JOAN And not just any thirteen men? New York Jets football players?
CHARLISE They had no manners, ma'am.
JOAN And I suppose it's your job to teach them, Midshipman? 28 CHARLISE Well, I, uh...Yes, ma'am. At least, that's what I thought...
JOAN Drop and give me twenty, sailor.
Charlise drops and counts out 20 pushups. As she does, Joan continues.
JOAN It's not that you kicked their butts , ladies and gentlemen. That's what we train you to do. It's about keeping a low profile. If you do that on assignment, you'll get a rep . And if you get a rep, you make yourself a target . Do I make myself clear?
ALL Yes, ma'am !
Charlise finishes her pushups and stands up, puffing.
JOAN Then there's the little matter of this bill , made out to the Academy. Normally, this would come out of your pay. Normally, you'd be walking the area until the cows come home...
The Academy members glance at each other, hopefully.
WESLEY Lucky for you, these are not normal times. At ease.
The Academy members assume the “At Ease” position.
WESLEY It seems some of our enemies have gotten even friskier than you people. 29
The Academy members glance at each other, quizzically and seriously.
JOAN Seeing as you lack decorum, we won't tell you who and where until the last moment.
FILA (Under his breath) Oh, shit!
Joan gets in his face.
JOAN What's that , cadet? Would you like to repeat that?
FILA Ma'am, may I ask a question?
JOAN Go ahead.
FILA Ma'am, will our objective be civilian or military?
JOAN Both, mostly military. What else?
FILA Will we still be going to the Dojo of Death?
WESLEY It depends on how the situation unfolds, it's kind of fluid right now. I can tell you, however, that the Military Academy will be picking up the damages from the Club Manhattan.
The Academy members smile at each other. 30
WESLEY OK, platoon dismissed.
ALL Woohoo!
The Academy members jump up and down. They slap one another on the back.
Fila and Charlise hug each other. They look at each other, a little too closely.
FILA Sometimes it's good to be bad...
Fila and Charlise pull back from their embrace, awkwardly. They compose themselves and walk out with the others.
JOAN Did you see that? They almost broke regulations.
WESLEY I saw. Regulations or no, that bears watching. That love stuff distorts judgment.
(Pause)
JOAN I know what you mean.
She looks at him and he looks back. They look away.
WESLEY Ahem. Were you ever in love?
JOAN Once. With my husband, believe it or not. When he was killed in Iraq, it almost killed me. I decided to take it out on the enemy. You? 31
WESLEY That explains a lot, like your high kick.
JOAN Yep. You?
WESLEY Fall in love? Can't afford to. Remember that James Bond movie, where he got married and the bad guys got to his wife? I can't let that happen.
JOAN “A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries?”
WESLEY Exactly. That's why the regulation is there.
JOAN A hard life. I'm not sure I'm there yet, totally.
WESLEY West Point's motto is, “Duty, Honor, Country.” See anything in there about family or love?
JOAN That's why I'm glad I went to Annapolis. You're an asshole , Major Rock !
She chucks a hip guard at him. He barely ducks it.
WESLEY (Laughing) Hey! 32 He grabs her in a wrestling move and holds her down. She gives him a “come hither” look and he relaxes his grip. She reverses on him and pins him.
JOAN Ha! See what falling for that “come hither” look will get you, Major?
Shirley applauds slowly from the shadows.
SHIRLEY Bravo! Worthy of my Seduction School, Joan. You really should come teach a class.
Joan and Wesley untangle. They stand, embarrassed.
JOAN I'm sure seduction is something I could never match you at, Shirley.
SHIRLEY (Catty) You may be right...
JOAN It needs to be headed up by a grad of the Merchant Marine Academy, since you're essentially teaching merchandising.
SHIRLEY Don't be too catty, my dear. All women have a price, “missus” comes from “mistress,” you know? I figure prostitutes are the most honest women on earth.
JOAN I'm sure you do... 33 SHIRLEY Oh, don't be so self-righteous, Joan! Helping our country while doing what we love. We're not so different, now, are we dear?
(Pause)
SHIRLEY (Cont'd) At least we're getting some, which is better than you're doing, apparently.
How about you, Wesley, want to come teach a class?
WESLEY What I know about seduction wouldn't fill a thimble, Shirley.
SHIRLEY So it seems. Well, stay out of trouble, you two.
Shirley turns to leave the gym. Her heels CLICK on the wooden floor as she departs.
JOAN Let's see, where were we? Oh, yes...
Joan flips Wesley over her shoulder and jumps on top of him. She holds his hands down.
JOAN I hate that bitch, but all that talk of seduction has me all worked up...
WESLEY This is seduction? 34 JOAN To me it is. Fighting is a turn on...And from what I feel between my legs, I'm not the only one...
She wiggles her hips over his crotch.
WESLEY Well, I, uh...
She rips off her blouse and his shirt.
JOAN Good Lord, Wesley, do I have to do all the work?
WESLEY We really shouldn't...
JOAN Shut up and kiss me!
She flips him over on top of her. Her breasts heave. He lowers his lips to hers and they kiss passionately. They sit up and the clothes go flying.
They make love.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. A GYM – DAY
A SIGN: “GYMNASIUM” in Farsi.
IRANIAN MMA FIGHTERS spar in a plethora of rings.
General Ahmedinajab observes the training. He's dressed in the Iranian Army's full dress uniform. He looks at his watch.
An AIDE in a full dress uniform enters the gym. They speak in Farsi, with English subtitles. 35
AIDE The Supreme Commander!
AHMEDINAJAB Gym, attention!
PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMEDINAJAB enters, accompanied by an entourage. General Ahmedinajab embraces him.
AHMEDINAJAB Brother, welcome!
PRESIDENT Salaam, it's good to see you again! How goes the training?
AHMEDINAJAB Well, Mahmoud, let me show you. Back to your training!
The gym returns to training. The general takes the president from ring to ring.
PRESIDENT Impressive, Salaam! You know the Americans will be at the Dojo of Death this year. Do you think you can beat them?
AHMEDINAJAB I know we can, Great One. We have a surprise for them. Watch...
Bring out Tarzan!
A side door to the gym opens. An ape-like humanoid is brought in by four guards. He's in shackles. The guards lead him up to the two brothers.
Tarzan looks half-ape and half-human. His face is horrible distorted and his arms hang almost down to the floor. 36 PRESIDENT Sands of Allah, Salaam! What do you call it?
AHMEDINAJAB Tarzan, because he's half ape and half man. Only this one isn't fictional.
PRESIDENT How did you...?
AHMEDINAJAB Genetics, brother. We've been experimenting for decades.
PRESIDENT What happened to his face?
AHMEDINAJAB Genetics isn't a perfect science, Fearless One.
PRESIDENT Salaam, I think the heat is getting to you. How will a half- ape help us beat the Americans?
TARZAN I...am...human.
PRESIDENT It talks! And in Farsi!
TARZAN (In English) I also speak English.
AHMEDINAJAB (In Farsi) It is human, brother. At least, its DNA is closer to human than to simian. They'll have to let him in the contest. Watch this...Take off his shackles. 37
The guards unlock Tarzan's shackles. Ahmedinajab points at four surrounding small punching bags. Tarzan punches all four in lightning-quick succession. The bags burst upon impact.
AHMEDINAJAB He has the strength of an ape, the reflexes of a cat, and the brain of a human.
OK, guards, take him back to his cell!
PRESIDENT Impressive! I'm glad he's on our side...
The guards re-lock Tarzan into his shackles. They lead him away. They lock him in a stark cell. He sits on his bed, dejected.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE WEST POINT GYM, DAY.
A workout room with dance bars and mirrors.
SIX FEMALE CADETS enter in belly dance outfits, followed by Shirley, who also sports a belly dance outfit. Charlise is among them.
SHIRLEY OK, girls, warm up along the walls.
The six female cadets comply. Shirley warms up along a dance bar at the front of the room. 38 SHIRLEY Belly dance is still a major art form in the Middle East. You may find yourself asked to perform, either alone or as part of a harem. You must be able to comply.
OK, watch.
Shirley turns on some MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC. She belly dances. She rolls her stomach.
SHIRLEY It's called belly dance because the source of your balance is your belly.
You girls with a little extra padding will like belly dance, as a tummy is appreciated.
(Laughter)
Shirley continues her seductive dance. Charlise turns to a FEMALE CADET next to her.
CHARLISE (Under her breath) Geez, I never thought I'd be taught seduction at an academy ... Your tax dollars at work!
SHIRLEY Welcome to our little sorority, Charlise. Well, seduction is the oldest sport...
Shirley finishes her dance.
SHIRLEY OK, now you...Line up. 39 Shirley starts the music. The girls do their best to emulate her moves. She walks around the class correcting them.
INT. A WEST POINT ETHICS CLASSROOM, DAY
The cadets sit in their student desks in a circle. Wesley teaches the class from the front.
WESLEY OK, today's topic is “Overcoming Temptation.”
The cadets leer at each other and nod.
WESLEY Ladies and gentlemen, you're going to find yourself in some fast company. Hot men and hot women will throw themselves at you.
The cadets leer at each other and nod.
WESLEY Something funny, Cadet Lee?
FILA James Bond always gets the girl, sir.
WESLEY Well, this isn't the movies, cadet. In real life the girl gets you.
FILA I can stand anything except temptation, sir.
(Laughter) 40 WESLEY I understand nervous laughter, especially on this topic. But seriously, how would you handle this out in the field?
BUZZ Rosie Palmer and her five sisters.
WESLEY I'm sorry?
BUZZ You know, sir, your right hand?
He makes a jacking off motion with his right hand. Charlise throws an eraser at him.
CHARLISE That's too much information, you wanker!
WESLEY Actually, I can't correct him for that answer, that's a tried and true method.
BUZZ So take lots of porn with you in your laptop!
WESLEY Actually, be careful with that one. Most countries won't let you take it in. Some will even arrest you. Any other ideas?
FILA Travel with a Seduction School graduate.
His gaze catches Charlise'. She looks down, blushing. 41 FILA Seeing as marriage is a liability, that is...
WESLEY Your second source of temptation will be money. You won't believe how much money changes hands out there...Billions! Tens of billions!
A new Army cadet, OMAR RUMI. He's Middle-Eastern looking.
OMAR That doesn't sound too bad, sir.
WESLEY They'll have plenty to pay off spies. Solution?
OMAR Pay us millions?
WESLEY Unfortunately, you'll be on a second lieutenant's salary, Cadet Rumi. How would you handle it?
OMAR Spend it on the gambling tables, like Commander Bond?
WESLEY Is this funny to you, Cadet Rumi?
OMAR Sorry, sir.
WESLEY If you accept money, even for gambling, it's considered accepting a bribe. And they'll be after you to make you a double agent. 42
OMAR Then you can make double the money!
(Pause)
WESLEY I want to see you in my office down at the gym, Mister Rumi.
OMAR Yes, sir.
INT. WESLEY'S OFFICE AT THE WEST POINT GYM, DAY
Wesley sits at his desk. He peruses a file.
A KNOCK. A FEMALE FORM outside the door.
WESLEY Joan, come on in.
Joan enters and closes the door behind herself.
JOAN What's up, Wesley?
WESLEY I'm thinking of letting Omar go. But I'd like you to concur.
JOAN It's got to be something serious, Wes. He's a star fighter and our only Muslim. We've got a lot invested in him.
WESLEY He made some remarks in my ethics class today that had me concerned.
JOAN Like what? 43
WESLEY Like joking about taking bribes and becoming a double agent.
JOAN Kid talk?
WESLEY Maybe, but I'm concerned.
JOAN Well, there was that Major Hassan gaffe the Army made. All sorts of warning signs, and they just let them go because he was Arab- American. Then he goes and kills 13 people at Fort Hood.
WESLEY Exactly. I have the same concerns with Omar. With this mission coming up, I don't want to take any chances, personnel-wise.
JOAN OK, you've got my support. Do what you think is right, I've got your back.
WESLEY Thanks.
She locks his door. She walks seductively over to him.
JOAN What are you doing for lunch?
WESLEY I don't know. Have any suggestions?
JOAN How about some Darko meat? 44
She sits on his lap. He unbuttons her blouse.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE WEST POINT GYM – DAY
Fighters spar. Omar and Fila fight each other. Omar fights particularly hard.
A BELL. Omar and Fila step out of the ring and two other fighters get in. Omar and Fila head for the locker room.
INSIDE the locker room, they get out of their gear. They're still breathing deeply.
FILA Shit, man, what was that all about? That's sparring , not the Dojo of Death!
OMAR It was my last fight, at least here. I thought I'd leave it all in the ring.
FILA What?! You're shitting me!
OMAR I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd. They took my joking seriously, about taking bribes.
FILA What?! That was clearly just joking!
Omar slams his locker and pounds the door. 45 OMAR I know what it is...It's just 'cause I'm Muslim ! It's religious persecution !
FILA Hey, hold on, now. I know the staff doesn't do that. There's not a religious bigot among them.
OMAR It's all over the government. Ever since 9-11 we can't get an even break. Dammit!
Omar pounds the door of his locker again.
FILA Hey, you know a lot of stuff. You're not going anywhere with it, are you?
OMAR You know what these Feds will do? They'll deny it, label me as crazy, and I'll never work again.
FILA Probably.
OMAR To them, we're all just towel- heads
FILA Unfortunately, that's true.
OMAR What?! That I'm a towel-head? Why, you fucking bigot!
FILA I didn't mean that, and you know... 46 Omar kicks Fila in the arm, breaking it. Fila screams and turns around. Omar punches him in the solar plexus. Fila doubles over and Omar knees him in the face. Fila crumples over backwards.
Omar stands over him.
OMAR That'll teach you to call me a towel-head , you fucking bigot ! Enjoy your time in this toy academy, pea-brain, I'm going to the outside where the real money is!
Omar pulls on his clothes in a hurry. Some other cadets enter, including Buzz. He sees the knocked-out Fila.
BUZZ What the hell?...
OMAR He attacked me, so I had to lay him out. See ya...
Omar exits the gym.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE – DAY
The President, the Cabinet and the Joint Chiefs meet. President Vigil stands behind the President's desk.
VIGIL OK, what have you got for me on this Axis of Evil thing? Roland?
Roland sets a laptop on her desk. He points it at a screen and places a full file on her blotter.
ROLAND Our best chance to get the students in unnoticed is something they call the Model UN. 47
He shows a slide of a collegiate delegation posing in front of the UN building.
ROLAND The Model UN introduces college kids to international diplomacy through mock debates and voting like they have at the real UN. This year, it's being held in Tehran.
He shows a slide of the Presidential Palace in Tehran.
VIGIL Tehran ?! After that outburst by Iran's president at the real UN last year?
ROLAND Iran made a real fool of themselves by that asshole's rant, so they want to make up for it by hosting the Model UN. They lobbied hard for it.
VIGIL You're saying we hide the Assassin Academy in with the real participants?
ROLAND Exactly. The military academies send reps every year, so it'll look real natural. While the real Model UN is going on, our Assassin Academy kids can go wreak the real havoc.
VIGIL I like it. When's this Model UN take place?
ROLAND In a couple of months. 48
VIGIL OK, I'm authorizing it. Make it happen.
INT. THE WEST POINT HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Fila is laid up in a hospital bed, asleep. He has one arm in traction and a body cast around his ribs. His face is bruised and puffy and covered with bandages. He sleeps.
Charlise enters the room. She walks softly over to him.
CHARLISE Damn...
She notices that his lips are parched. She fills a glass with water. She holds it to his lips.
His puffy eyes open as he tastes the water.
FILA Charlise?
CHARLISE Shhh...
FILA More, please. I'm parched.
CHARLISE OK, here you go.
She helps him drink the whole cup. He puts his head back.
FILA Ahhh. Better.
CHARLISE Man, Omar really messed you up. 49 FILA Broken arm, broken ribs, broken face. I'd have had him in a fair fight, but he sucker-punched me.
CHARLISE Did he? That's not the story he gave.
FILA Now we can get him on an Honor Code violation as well as assault and battery.
CHARLISE If we could find him. He's disappeared.
FILA Figures. The coward. He's probably gone to work for the highest bidder.
CHARLISE You should take it easy, you need to heal.
FILA Yeah, and from the sounds of it, I'll be facing an Inquiry.
CHARLISE Probably. There are no security cams in the locker rooms.
FILA Shit. And I'll probably miss the Dojo of Death.
CHARLISE Easy out. 50 FILA (Sarcastic) Ha, ha! Ow, my face! Don't make me laugh!
CHARLISE Oops, sorry.
FILA The guys will be light-handed without me at that Dojo.
CHARLISE Don't worry about it. Buzz has been stepping up.
FILA Yeah, and you'll no doubt kick butt against the ladies.
CHARLISE You betcha.
FILA Just none of this seductress stuff, OK?
CHARLISE None at all, ever? I was hoping to have a practicum with you. You're OK down here, aren't you?
She runs her hand down to his crotch. Her eyes get big.
CHARLISE My goodness , sir, you're as big as a horse ! Missed me, huh?
FILA I'm part Native American. We're as hung as the horses we rode in on. Damn, don't stop, that feels good! 51 CHARLISE What do you call that thing?
FILA You can name it anything. I call it dessert. Want some?
CHARLISE Yum!
She goes down on him.
FILA Ohmigawd! Thank you, Great Spirit! Ow, my face!
CHARLISE (O.S.) I think I'm going to call him Geronimo. Think he'd like a ride?
FILA Would you take advantage of my laid-up state to get laid?
CHARLISE Absolutely. Geronimo!
FILA This is rape, isn't it? I've never been raped.
CHARLISE “Your Honor, I just used him to masturbate with.” Remember, use masturbation to overcome temptation. We learned that in ethics class.
FILA Ha, ha! Ow, my face!
She looks out in the hallway. There's no one there.
CHARLISE I'm going commando... 52
She mounts him.
FILA Just be careful of the ribs.
CHARLISE Oh...my...God! Thank you, Great Spirit!
The bed creaks.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE WEST POINT GYM – DAY
The Assassin Academy spars and works out. Joan supervises and Shirley observes.
Fila watches, sporting a body cast and an arm cast. His face is still puffy, but better.
Wesley enters, carrying orders. He takes his whistle from around his neck and blows it.
WESLEY OK, everybody get some water and then gather around! I've got a hot piece of poop here. In fact, it's the hottest piece of poop I've handled since I've been at this nursery school.
The Assassin Academy gathers around.
WESLEY These are our orders. Our mission is to Iran. We're to take out their nuclear bomb program.
(Pause) 53 BUZZ Sir, couldn't they have given us something hard for our first mission? This is too easy !
(Laughter)
WESLEY Here's how it's going down. We blend in with the Model UN. That's in a month. We're second team, so the heavy lifting with the debates and all will be handled by real students.
(Laughter)
WESLEY The Model UN is in Tehran. While our first team debates, we go underground to take out their plutonium trigger plant, located in the Ur Valley southeast of Tehran. If we get their existing missiles, that's gravy. If not, our air defense units will pick them off.
This is Top Secret poop. Not a syllable of it to anyone . There will be a more complete briefing as we finish our Ops Order. Any questions?
BUZZ Sir, what about the Dojo of Death? Isn't that at the same time?
WESLEY Exactly, and it's in Tehran, too. Since our first team has to knock out the nukes, our second team will go to the Dojo. Second team, your job is to tie up a bunch of their agents. And kill as many as 54 you can.
FILA Sir, let me get this straight...We have to take out a clandestine nuclear program and also kill the world's deadliest fighters?
WESLEY Nobody said combat would be easy, troop. You've been training for both, now you get a double helping. Uncle Sam want to get something for his investment.
Any other questions?...All right, take the rest of the day off. You probably need it.
Charlise walks up to Fila.
CHARLISE Well, I left Iowa for a little excitement. I guess I found it!
Wesley walks up to them both.
WESLEY How are you feeling, Mister Lee?
FILA Better every day, sir. I bet I'm OK for the mission.
WESLEY We'll have to see how your recovery goes. But it would boost their morale to have you there, being their captain and all.
FILA I'll eat my Wheaties, sir.
WESLEY You do that. 55
Wesley walks away, towards Joan and Shirley.
CHARLISE I wonder what they're doing at Ames Community College right now?
FILA Some kind of “Spring Fling,” no doubt.
CHARLISE Ha, ha! No doubt. Come on, let's head back to the barracks, by way of the library. We'll find an empty room and I'll give you a blow job to remember me by.
FILA Woohoo! Twist my arm.
CHARLISE Nah, it's in a cast. I'd rather twist Geronimo.
FILA Meet you there after you shower!
She bats her eyelashes at him.
CHARLISE How's my seduction?
FILA Working like a charm. Now hurry!
EXT. SHIRLEY'S HOUSE AT WEST POINT – NIGHT
A 1930's brick Officer's Row house.
The SIX SEDUCTRESS SCHOOL GIRLS walk up and ring the bell.
Charlise speaks under her breath to BILLIE, another 56 seductress.
SHIRLEY Man, if my mom knew what I'm studying! She thinks it's all nuclear engineering.
Shirley answers the door.
SHIRLEY Come on in, girls.
The girls enter and Shirley closes the door behind them.
SHIRLEY Go on down to the basement. It's around the corner and down the stairs.
The girls comply. In the basement are six stripper poles. Shirley's basement is done up like a strip club. There are mirror balls on the ceiling and lights on the floor.
SHIRLEY West Point's getting more progressive all the time, but ballroom dancing is still taught by the boxing coach. They're not progressive enough to teach pole dancing, so I'll just have to teach it here.
OK, get out of your sweats and get down to your thongs. That's tops, too. Shoes, too, gym shorts everything. You're going to need every ounce of skin you've got to stick to that pole.
The girls comply. We see nubile tits, tight asses, six-pack abs. 57 SHIRLEY Anyone ever do this before?
No one raises their hand.
SHIRLEY I didn't think so. OK, even a sheik gets tired of belly dancing every once and awhile and likes something more modern. So, we give him what he wants. Until we kill him, of course.
(Laughter)
SHIRLEY Here's a demonstration. Pay attention, because you'll be doing these moves next.
Shirley starts some disco music. She dims the lights and turns on the footlights.
SHIRLEY We want to simulate actual conditions. Here we go...
Shirley climbs the pole deftly and does a pole dancing exhibition. Her moves elicit some “Oohs” and “Aah” from the girls. Billie leans over and whispers to Charlise.
BILLIE Damn , that woman is hot !
Shirley finishes her pole dancing exhibition.
SHIRLEY You'd be amazed what men will buy a good pole dancer.
BILLIE And a few women.
(Laughter) 58
SHIRLEY Now that “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” is over, I can tell you that that's true, too. A good agent does what she's got to do.
BILLIE Poor thing...
(Laughter)
BILLIE My mom says most prostitutes are bisexual.
SHIRLEY It's for orgies and three-ways.
BILLIE A girl does what she's got to do. Doubles your dating pool, too.
(Laughter)
SHIRLEY You have to be ready for that as agents, too, ladies. Especially harem girls. Behind closed doors, anything goes. OK, take your positions at your poles.
They comply.
SHIRLEY The first thing you have to learn is how to mount your poles.
Charlise whispers to Billie as Shirley starts the music.
CHARLISE The only pole I want to mount belongs to Mister Fila Lee. 59 Billie nudges Charlise playfully.
A MONTAGE
Seductive, sexy pole dance moves.
END OF MONTAGE
The girls sweat. They towel off from their workout and begin dressing.
SHIRLEY OK, good workout, girls, you're getting it. That's enough for tonight, go on back to the barracks.
Billie leans over to Charlise.
BILLIE (Under her breath) That made me horny as hell!
BILLIE (Announcing) Daisy chain in my room!
Billie looks at Shirley invitingly.
BILLIE Ma'am?...
SHIRLEY I'm tempted, but I can't fraternize with cadets. What you do on your own time is your own business.
CHARLISE Sorry, Billie, I don't swing that way.
BILLIE Not yet, anyway. 60 SHIRLEY OK, go on, get out of here. It's getting late.
The girls leave.
Shirley walks up to the curtain by the stripper stage. A TALL, SHADOWY FIGURE steps out.
SHIRLEY Well, the military sure has changed. Hey, baby, did you see all that?
Shirley reaches for the figure's crotch.
SHIRLEY Oh, I'd say you did ! And that you liked it!
They kiss, passionately.
Shirley takes the figure by the hand.
SHIRLEY Come on, baby, the queen needs attention. Seeing as you're at attention...
They walk off. As they climb the stairs, we see the Shadowy Figure has a mechanical prosthetic leg.
INT. A WEST POINT CADET BARRACKS ROOM - NIGHT
Four of the Seductress School girls undress.
They french kiss in the middle. Two slide down the bodies of two others. They all lie on blankets on the ground. They begin a daisy chain.
FADE OUT
FADE IN: 61
INT. A WEST POINT CADET BARRACKS ROOM - NIGHT
Two MALE CADETS from the Assassin Academy study by lamplight.
They look up. They hear moans. They look at each other knowingly.
They knock on the girls' dorm room. One edges open the door.
MALE CADET (Quietly) Hey, need any cocks in there?
FEMALE CADET (O.S.) Sure. It's just research, you understand? Extracurricular training?
The two male cadets enter the room. In the shadows, two female cadets apiece walk up to them on their knees. They undo their trousers.
MALE CADET Four on two...Perfect!
TIMED CUT
INT. THE GIRL CADETS' DORM ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Wesley and Joan walk down the dorm room hall, in uniform.
They hear the moaning and groaning coming from the dorm room
WESLEY Damn, they're at it again!
JOAN Well, they have to perfect what Shirley teaches them. 62
Shirley, also in uniform, joins them.
SHIRLEY That's right. Mind if I join you? I couldn't sleep.
WESLEY Not at all.
SHIRLEY I really don't think you need to stand guard this late at night. Nobody's coming.
Moans and groans come from the dorm.
JOAN Actually, it sounds like everybody's coming!
SHIRLEY Take you back a few years?
(Pause)
JOAN I'm more concerned about the present. Those sounds make me horny as hell.
SHIRLEY Funny, that's the second time I've heard that tonight.
JOAN I need some training. There's an empty room right next door. Let's go.
Joan and Shirley take Wesley by the hand into the adjacent dorm room. They get out of their clothes quickly.
Shirley gets on her knees in front of Wesley. 63
SHIRLEY Damn, look at the size of that monster! What do you call that thing?
WESLEY Major Fun.
SHIRLEY I bet. I'm surprised you share Major Fun with me. That's awfully big of you, Joan. No pun intended.
JOAN I want to see if you're as good as your rep. Think you can deep throat Major Fun?
SHIRLEY Sure, no problem. Linda Lovelace did Johnny Wad, after all.
Her head moves toward his groin. Wesley groans and looks up.
JOAN Damn, you did it, all fourteen inches! All the way to his balls, too! And you stayed with it! Damn! Show me how to do that!
She kneels in front of Wesley next to Shirley.
SHIRLEY It's just like sword swallowing. You take it to your gag reflex, then you relax and push it past... You try.
Her head moves toward his groin. She gags.
JOAN Damn! 64
SHIRLEY It's OK, fourteen inches is a lot to swallow. You'll get it. You practice on his dick, I'll lick his balls.
Wesley groans and looks up.
WESLEY Damn, I love my job!
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE – DAY
President Constance Vigil looks out the curtains of the Oval Office.
A TAP on the door. Admiral Muldoon peeks his head in.
MULDOON You wanted to see me, Madam President?
VIGIL Yes, I did, Admiral. And call me Connie for the next hour or so, won't you?
MULDOON Very well, Connie.
VIGIL After all, we're going to play chess together? You do play, don't you...It's Ed, right?
MULDOON Yes, ma'am. And yes, I do. 65 VIGIL Very well, then, Ed, let's play chess. I find it helps me relax. Especially when something tense is going on, like this Axis of Evil business.
I've got a board set up, right there under George Washington. Won't you join me?
They sit at the chessboard, under the portrait of Washington.
MULDOON Please make the first move, Connie. Ladies first.
VIGIL Thank you, Ed.
She moves a pawn. They continue to play as they talk.
VIGIL You know what a chessboard represents, don't you, Ed?
MULDOON I didn't know it represented anything. To me, it's just a game.
VIGIL Think about it, Ed. Every time you play chess, you're playing medieval power politics. The king and queen represent political power. Only in the case of my husband and I, it's a queen and king.
She switches her king and queen. He follows her lead. 66 MULDOON Ha, ha. OK.
VIGIL The bishops represent religious power. In the medieval world, there was establishment of religion.
MULDOON There still is in some parts of the world. In Iran, for example. It's an Islamic Republic.
VIGIL But in the U.S., we've taken the bishops off the chessboard.
She takes her bishops off the chessboard. He follows her lead.
VIGIL You keep your bishops, Ed. You'll be Iran.
He replaces his bishops.
MULDOON Then the knights would be the military?
VIGIL Correct. That's you, Ed.
MULDOON And the rooks?
VIGIL The trades and the professions.
MULDOON And the pawns would be the common people? 67 VIGIL Exactly.
MULDOON Makes the game a lot more interesting, Connie. But you're at a big disadvantage without any bishops.
VIGIL Correct. Do you know how I put the bishops back on my chessboard, Ed?
MULDOON Not by establishment of religion. That would be political suicide.
VIGIL By prayer, Ed.
She replaces her bishops.
MULDOON Do you pray, Connie?
VIGIL I do. Do you? Jesus, it sounds like we were just married.
MULDOON Ha, ha. Our spouses wouldn't like that. I'd like to say I pray, but I think I just strategize in my mind.
VIGIL I'm one of those who really prays. I don't just say I'm going to pray, I really pray.
MULDOON That's admirable, ma'am. 68 VIGIL Especially with an operation like this with those young Academy kids.
MULDOON It's risky, for sure, ma'am. But kids their age are in harm's way overseas every day.
VIGIL I'm aware of that, Ed. Oh, by the way, check.
MULDOON Eh? Damn! That's my queen.
VIGIL That's right, Ed, we switched them, remember? Pay attention.
Ed frets and peruses the board for a moment. He makes a move. She counters.
VIGIL Checkmate.
MULDOON Well done...Connie. You got me. Well, thanks for the game, but I'd better get back to the Pentagon. I have to plan for a possible World War Three.
VIGIL Don't let it come to that, Admiral. How will you make Operation Academy a success?
Ed rises to go. He twirls his admiral's hat nervously.
MULDOON I'll...pray, Connie. 69 VIGIL It's Madam President, Admiral. You do that. And brush up on your chess.
MULDOON Thank you...Madam President.
Ed stumbles towards the door and lets himself out.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
EXT. AN AIRPORT RUNWAY AND RECEPTION BUILDINGS – DAY
A SIGN: “TEHRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT” in Farsi, English, and French.
A passenger plane lands. The door opens, and COLLEGE KIDS in blazers appear in the door and file down the stairway.
On their blazers we see: Columbia, Harvard, Yale, Princeton. They continue to file out, along with their faculty advisers
An Iranian TV ANNOUNCER interviews them.
Above the tarmac, a strange plane flies too high for a landing. Iranian grounds crews point, concerned.
It's a U.S. Military OSPREY. It hovers 100 feet above the runway. It slowly lowers and lands.
ANNOUNCER Oh, please, sir, who is that?
A collegiate ADVISOR replies.
ADVISOR That's got to be our military academies. Nobody else has that plane. 70
The TV announcer and her crew run towards the Osprey. They zoom in on Buzz at the controls.
The door opens. Fila appears. The TV crew zooms in on his blazer that says, “U.S. Military Academy.” He descends the landing stairway, followed by the others.
The TV crew rushes over to Wesley. Shirley and Joan stand beside him.
ANNOUNCER Sir, TV Tehran. Please, an interview.
WESLEY OK.
ANNOUNCER Sir, you are?
WESLEY I'm Major Wesley Van Damme, head of our military academies' Model UN Team.
ANNOUNCER Sir, did you know you are the first American military in Iran in 30 years?
WESLEY I was briefed about that, yes. It's quite an honor.
ANNOUNCER It is a good time for you to be here, seeing as we are reaching out to the international community as never before. Will you be verifying that we have no nuclear weapons during your stay? 71 WESLEY I hope that's true, but no, that's the job of the UN. Our kids are college students like any others. We been participating in the Model UN for decades now. We're happy Iran is hosting this year, and we hope that your peaceful intentions bless our children and their children after them.
ANNOUNCER Thank you for your time, sir, and good luck with the Model UN.
There you have it. Iran's peaceful intentions towards the West once again demonstrated by this unprecedented bridge to the US military.
Wesley and the Academy members walk towards the terminal.
Shirley leans over.
SHIRLEY Nice olive branch. You didn't tell her if we find her nukes we're going to blow them all to kingdom come.
Wesley smiles.
WESLEY If they play nice, they have nothing to worry about. If we find their nukes, we'll help them fast track their way to the heaven they so earnestly desire.
SHIRLEY Simple. 72 WESLEY Simple. Ethics are simple.
EXT. A RITZY TEHRAN HOTEL, DAY
Wesley enters, followed by the Academy entourage. He signs the group in.
A BELLHOP hands Shirley a square envelope. She opens it.
SHIRLEY A dinner invitation from Ahmedinajab.
WESLEY The Ahmedinajab? The president?
SHIRLEY His brother, Salaam.
WESLEY Head of their nuke program. That's a pretty good catch. Nice fishing, Shirley.
SHIRLEY Just doing my job.
JOAN Could just want to plant a load of propaganda in your ears. How they're complying with the UN, all that malarkey.
SHIRLEY (Smiling) Oh, he'll talk about much more than that, I have a feeling...
INT. A STEEL CAGE DEATH MATCH ARENA
A small arena with steep seats rising on each side of 73 the octagonal ring.
TEAMS sit around signs: CHINA, IRAN, JAPAN, SOUTH KOREA, NORTH KOREA, IRELAND, BRITAIN.
We see Tarzan in the Iran area.
The U.S. Team files in, led by Buzz. They take their seats in the UNITED STATES area. They survey the other teams.
An ANNOUNCER takes center ring. He takes a microphone. He announces in Farsi, with English subtitles.
ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Dojo of Death! Iran is proud to host this year's event. We welcome back the usual participants, and this year, for the first time, we welcome the United States of America.
The Iranian team glares at the US team.
ANNOUNCER Remember, there will be no referee for any of these matches, and the winner will be the contestant who exits alive.
Our first match pits Iran against Ireland. Will the contestants approach the pit, please?
Tarzan approaches the cage. The Irish contestant looks at him, incredulous.
They enter the cage. They walk to either side of the announcer. 74 ANNOUNCER Gentlemen, when I walk out that door, anything goes. There are no rules. Understand?
They nod assent. The announcer exits the cage door and pulls it shut with a CLANG.
The Irish fighter throws a punch at Tarzan, who slips it by jumping vertically. He holds on to the upper bars of the cage.
The Irish fighter looks up in time to see Tarzan fall on his head. He grabs it and twists it violently, breaking the neck. The Irish fighter falls to the floor.
The room is stunned, except for the Iranian team, which cheers enthusiastically.
Buzz looks at Billie.
BUZZ Jesus...
BILLIE We could be in big trouble here.
A MONTAGE
Buzz fights an opponent.
Billie fights an opponent.
Tarzan fights a befuddled opponent, who can't keep up with his speed.
Buzz' opponent goes down with a karate kick to the throat.
Billie's opponent goes down with a karate chop to the temple. 75 Tarzan crushes the opponent's face with a massive blow.
END OF MONTAGE
INT. THE DOJO OF DEATH ARENA - NIGHT
Billie and Buzz towel off. They look over at Tarzan.
BUZZ OK, what are we going to do about that ?
BILLIE You mean, about him ? He's a man, you know.
BUZZ I'm not so sure...
BILLIE Let's just talk to him. Surprise everybody.
Buzz looks at Billie, incredulous. She stares him down.
BUZZ OK, OK, it's worth a try. Come on.
INT. A GYM HALLWAY - NIGHT
The Dojo of Death locker room hallway. Billie and Buzz wait in the hallway.
A doorway opens. The Iranian team walks out, followed by Tarzan.
Billie and Buzz approach them.
BUZZ Hey, hold on! Hey fella, nice 76 fighting!
Two Iranian supervisors rush towards them. They hold them back.
SUPERVISOR No, is forbidden! No talks with enemy.
BUZZ Hey, we're enemies in there, but part of the world's smallest fraternity out here. What's the big deal?
Tarzan pushes the two supervisors out of the way.
TARZAN What you want?
BUZZ We just want to talk to you, man. First time you've been seen. Find out how you got into mixed martial arts.
BILLIE Our hotel has beer. Maybe have a beer or two.
TARZAN No, is forbidden.
BILLIE Who's going to stop you? These clowns?
Tarzan looks at the two supervisors and his team. He hangs his head.
TARZAN I go now. 77 The two supervisors glare at the two Americans as the Iranian team exits. Buzz and Billie look at each other, quizzically.
BUZZ I knew that wouldn't work. They've got him caged up like an animal. Let's go back to the hotel.
Buzz and Billie hail a taxi. They get in and sit back for the ride to the hotel.
As they pass an alley, they see Tarzan being put in shackles. Time slows up as they take it in.
INT. THE AMERICANS' TEHRAN HOTEL, NIGHT
Joan and Wesley have beers with Buzz and Billie. They look over a report.
JOAN We can file a protest and have him tested. Will take maybe one or two days.
BUZZ I tell you, I've never seen anything like it. He has the quickness of a cat and the build of an ape. Kind of looks like one, too.
BILLIE Oh, he's just deformed. We'll look like real assholes protesting a deformity.
BUZZ Deformed ?! His arms hang down to the floor ! 78 BILLIE There's one more thing, sir. We saw them locking him up in shackles.
BUZZ Sir, there's no way we should send anyone against him until we find out if he's human.
(Pause)
WESLEY Wildest thing I ever heard of, but OK, I'll file a protest tonight.
Billie and Buzz look at each other, relieved.
JOAN You both had to kill people, for the first time in your lives, tonight. How are you doing?
(Pause)
BILLIE I was OK with it at the time. I mean, the bitch was trying to kill me, so the adrenaline and my training just kicked in, I guess.
JOAN You'll be processing it for a while. My door is always open.
BILLIE Thanks. Hey, what's going on over there?
She points to the pass-through window of the adjacent room, where Shirley and Charlise dine with Ahmedinajab. 79 JOAN That's the head of the Iranian nuclear program. He's giving an earful of propaganda to Lieutenant Cox.
BILLIE And Charlise, it appears.
JOAN Shirley asked for her to be there. Another pair of ears.
BILLIE And boobs.
(Laughter)
MOVE TO:
Shirley's table.
Shirley and Charlise's boobs are on prominent display under their loose fitting, plunging tops.
SHIRLEY It's so nice of your government to allow Western clothing in these international hotels, general.
AHMEDINAJAB We are not totally uncivilized, Lieutenant Cox. We won't impose the Islamic Revolution on...
SHIRLEY Infidels? And please, call me Shirley.
AHMEDINAJAB More wine? And please, call me Salaam.
He pours them all another round. He raises his glass to propose a toast. 80
AHMEDINAJAB To peace between our countries.
SHIRLEY To peace.
They drink.
SHIRLEY Thank you for allowing me to bring my protegée along, Salaam. Mentoring is so important.
AHMEDINAJAB I'm glad to have her. In the interests of education.
He glances at her perky breasts.
AHMEDINAJAB But, enough business. What do you for fun in your military academy? Or is in all training, all the time?
SHIRLEY Believe it or not, Salaam, I teach belly dancing at our academy.
A CHESSBOARD. Black knight takes red pawn.
Ahmedinajab is floored.
CHARLISE That's right, General. And I'm one of her students. She's an excellent instructor.
SHIRLEY You see, we're not totally uncivilized, either. 81 AHMEDINAJAB I have read that belly dancing is making inroads in the West.
SHIRLEY We teach it in physical training to our girls.
CHARLISE It's a fun way to workout.
He stares at their boobs.
AHMEDINAJAB It's hard to imagine from the comfort of this table. I know! Why don't you be my guests at the palace?
SHIRLEY Why Salaam, is that an invitation?
AHMEDINAJAB Yes, I insist!
He fills their glasses again.
SHIRLEY Well, how could we resist? It would be undiplomatic.
AHMEDINAJAB It's settled, then. To my new guests from America!
They lift their glasses.
SHIRLEY To belly dancing. Who'd have thought it could be a diplomatic tool?
CHARLISE To diplomatic tools... 82 They drink.
A CHESSBOARD. Black knight takes another red pawn.
INT. THE AMERICANS' TEHRAN HOTEL – NIGHT.
Wesley and Joan enjoy a cocktail in the lounge.
Shirley and Buzz join them. Wesley holds up a file.
WESLEY We got the DNA report back on your Tarzan. He passed, he's human.
BUZZ He's human, and more than human. I tell you, he's trouble.
WESLEY Don't think you can handle him?
BUZZ Nobody could...I tell you, I saw him jump six feet straight up in the air.
WESLEY Must be bionic.
JOAN Or genetically engineered. The next generation.
WESLEY Well, if you can't beat 'em...
JOAN ...join 'em. Or get them to join you.
WESLEY Listen, you said they keep him in shackles? 83 BUZZ Yeah, we saw them do it.
WESLEY They're treating him like an ape.
BUZZ And if we treat him like a human...
JOAN Maybe he'll defect.
BUZZ Aha! Well, it's worth a try. It's better than getting all our guys killed.
Wesley hands Buzz a piece of paper from the file.
WESLEY Here's the hotel where the Iranian team is staying. See if you can get to him.
BUZZ You've got it.
Buzz leaves.
WESLEY Now things get interesting. How'd you make out with the general, Shirley?
SHIRLEY Like a charm. A belly dancer's charm.
WESLEY He had you put on a demo for him, eh? 84 SHIRLEY Yep, me and Charlise, along with four of his harem girls. Then we showed them up with a pole dance.
JOAN Where is Charlise, by the way?
SHIRLEY I sold her to him.
Joan jumps up.
JOAN You sold her to him? What the fuck ?!
Wesley pulls Joan down by the arm.
WESLEY Easy, Joan. Don't attract attention. Keep your cool.
Joan sits back down and composes herself.
SHIRLEY Yeah, I sold her to him. I offered myself, but I'm too old for him. Sucks.
JOAN You can't just sell someone!
SHIRLEY In this part of the world, actually, you can.
(Pause)
JOAN Just out of curiosity, how much did you get?
SHIRLEY Half a million bucks. It's in my 85 Swiss bank account as we speak.
JOAN A half a million U.S. Dollars?
SHIRLEY It seems American harem girls command quite a price over here. Plus, I'm a good bargainer.
Joan processes this information. Shirley leans forward.
JOAN You can't keep it, you know.
SHIRLEY Government property. That's why I'm telling you.
(Pause)
SHIRLEY Listen, I had to. He just gave me the same line of bullshit about not having any nukes. Charlise on the inside makes good sense.
JOAN I hope I never have to explain this to her parents.
SHIRLEY Cultural exchange program, cultural exchange. If we trained her right, she'll walk out of there.
WESLEY She's not in Iowa any more... 86 INT. A TEHRAN HOTEL - NIGHT
A HALLWAY with a GUARD by the elevator. The elevator opens and Buzz and Billie walk out. They're wearing hoodies, sunglasses and baseball caps.
The guard stands. He questions them in Farsi, with English subtitles.
GUARD Your papers?
Buzz hits him on the temple and he falls, unconscious.
BUZZ Come on, hurry.
Buzz and Billie rush down the hallway, looking at the doors. Billie sees one with a food pass-through door.
BILLIE (Whispering) Buzz, I think I found it. Over here!
Buzz runs over and looks at the door.
BUZZ Has to be it. Tarzan!
TARZAN Yes, I here.
BUZZ Can you open the door?
TARZAN No, I shackled.
BUZZ OK, we're going to open it.
Buzz takes out a lock pick and picks the lock. They step inside. They see Tarzan shackled to his bed. 87 BUZZ Shit, this is no way to treat anybody.
TARZAN I been shackled all my life.
BUZZ Suppose we got you out of here? Suppose we did a night on the town?
TARZAN In Tehran? Is forbidden.
BUZZ Listen, it might be an Islamic Republic, but there's a vibrant underground scene. There's nightlife.
TARZAN I have to hide my face. I ugly.
BILLIE Hey, in night clubs, some chicks dig ugly guys. Different guys. They're known as freaks.
TARZAN Chicks? Dig? Freaks? This is new language.
BILLIE What I mean to say is, don't worry, they'll love you.
Love? Tarzan? I never seen nightlife. I only seen my cell and the gym and the cage...Yeah, OK, get me out.
Buzz picks his locks. Tarzan rubs his wrists as the shackles fall off. 88 BUZZ Let's hurry. I didn't see any security cams, but let's not tempt fate.
They rush out of his room and down the stairs.
INT. A TEHRAN RAVE – NIGHT
Hip hop rhythms throb. DJ's work the turntables. Kids dance.
Tarzan, Billie and Buzz enter. They make their way through the crowd to a table. Tarzan's eyes bug out as he takes in the scene. People notice him, but don't stare.
The sit at the table. Near them, several young adult GIRLS look and talk among themselves. Two approach the table. They speak in Farsi with English subtitles.
GIRL #1 Excuse me, could you settle a bet for us?
TARZAN A bet?
GIRL #2 Yes, could you tell us if your muscles are real?
TARZAN Yeah, they real.
Tarzan flexes a bicep. The girls feel it and whistle.
GIRL #1 See, I told you, you retard! Now I get to dance with him. That is, if you'd like to dance. 89 TARZAN Me, dance?
BUZZ Just move to the groove, big fella. You can do it.
TARZAN OK, I dance.
Tarzan follows the girl to the dance floor, where he busts some tentative moves, following her.
BUZZ Come on, let's join them. It's nice to have a break from the killing.
BILLIE You said it!
They move onto the dance floor.
INT. THE IRANIANS' TEHRAN HOTEL – LATER THAT NIGHT.
The hallway. The guard is still knocked out at his table.
The elevator opens and Tarzan, Billie and Buzz exit. They rush to Tarzan's room. They lock him back in his shackles.
TARZAN Thanks, you two. I'll never forget this.
Billie and Buzz exit his room. They run to the end of the hallway.
FADE OUT
FADE IN: 90 INT. AHMEDINAJAB'S PALACE – DAY
A sumptuous dining room, full of ornate Middle Eastern furnishings.
General Ahmedinajab eats breakfast at one end of the long dining table.
The HAREM MISTRESS escorts Charlise in. Charlise and the harem mistress are both dressed in harem girl outfits.
AHMEDINAJAB Ah, Charlise, my new harem girl! Yes, let me look at you. Turn around.
Charlise turns around for him.
AHMEDINAJAB A half a million dollars well spent! I'm glad your mentor was not a good bargainer, I'd have paid more.
So how are you finding your three days of purification, my dear? Is everything to your liking?
CHARLISE It's wonderful, my lord. And the mistress is most kind.
MISTRESS You'll see the stereotypes of how we treat women are most unkind. You'll be treated like a princess: Rose baths, spa treatments, skin rubs, mud baths.
CHARLISE Western women only dream of such treatment, my lord. 91 AHMEDINAJAB Good! And after your three days of purification, you'll be allowed into my magnificent presence as a full-fledged concubine.
CHARLISE It's quite an honor, my lord.
AHMEDINAJAB Excellent! Now go on with today's rituals.
MISTRESS As you wish, Great One.
The women bow and exit.
INT. THE AMERICANS' HOTEL – NIGHT
Wesley, Shirley and Joan imbibe at a table in the bar.
Fila joins them, along with an Air Force cadet, JOHNNY, and a Navy midshipman, MIKE. They speak in low tones.
WESLEY Well, the first team! How are you enjoying the Model UN?
FILA Boring as hell, sir.
WESLEY (Laughs) No change from when I was a cadet. Well, hold on to your jocks, things are going to get a lot more exciting.
FILA Final orders, sir? 92 WESLEY All the way from the White House. Huddle up.
They gather close around a central table.
WESLEY We're not to worry about the existing missile silos. Bond gave us their location, and the Brass is sure they can intercept them.
A CHESSBOARD. Black queen takes red knight.
WESLEY Our objective is the plutonium trigger plant. Everyone remember the models I briefed you on?
They all shake their heads yes.
WESLEY OK, let's see how well we've trained you. How will you get in? Air Force?
JOHNNY At their least secure points. Like the Air Force does, we'll fly in.
WESLEY Elaborate, Johnny.
JOHNNY The domestic water tower, sir. Parasail over, drop in. I can get my six men in if I can get parasails.
WESLEY Don't worry about equipment. Our people can get us anything we need. Think big. 93 MIKE In that case, sir, if I get scuba gear, I can get a Seal team in their cooling water river. It diverts under the fence and heads right for the cooling unit.
WESLEY Good thinking, Mike. I noticed the same thing myself. That leaves the Army. Fila?
FILA We'll go in like we always do, sir, on the ground.
MIKE Waltz right in the front gate?
FILA Some of us, yes. Billie tells me there's a team of entertainers that's trucked in every night. The girls will make sure that's them.
WESLEY And the rest of you?
FILA We'll wait in commando position outside the gate to take on any of their relief teams, should security be blown. We'll need some heavy ordnance.
WESLEY You've got it. And Buzz and his team will take care of the Dojo of Death.
Once inside, your objective is the cooling pond. We've got a mole inside who will find you and lead you. 94
OK, ladies and gentlemen, we've trained you well, I like your plan. We execute at 1 a.m. on Friday. Your ride home leaves at 5 a.m. From the clearing north of the plant. If you don't make it, you have your cyanide, make sure that you use it. The government will deny you ever existed.
Better yet, let's accomplish our mission and melt that sucker down.
Now go get some rest. You've got a long day at the Model UN tomorrow.
They leave. Wesley turns to Joan.
WESLEY Make sure you get all their stuff dropped in.
JOAN Can do.
Wesley turns to Shirley.
WESLEY Any word from Charlise?
SHIRLEY Nothing. She's probably going through ceremonial purification, which ought to end about Friday night.
WESLEY If we can't get word out, try to get word in. She's a wild card I don't want to lose.
SHIRLEY You've got it. 95 FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE DOJO OF DEATH
A MONTAGE
Buzz pounds an opponent to submission.
Billie dazes an opponent with an upper kick.
Tarzan crushes an opponent's face with one punch.
Buzz finishes his opponent off with a blow to the back of the neck.
Billie strangles her opponent with a scissor-lock.
Tarzan rips an opponent's head off.
END OF MONTAGE
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE GENERAL'S PALACE – DAY
Ahmedinajab works in his sumptuous office.
A huge EUNUCH escorts Shirley in. Ahmedinajab rises to greet her.
AHMEDINAJAB Ah, Shirley, what a pleasant surprise! To what do I owe this honor? 96 SHIRLEY I just wanted to say good-bye, General, and to thank you for your hospitality. The Model UN wraps up tomorrow night.
AHMEDINAJAB And what a night that will be! Your protegée will be done with her purification and I plan quite a night of love with her. You did find the payment suitable, did you not?
SHIRLEY Yes, Salaam, there was no problem.
AHMEDINAJAB Excellent! I suppose you'd like to see your little protegée?
SHIRLEY That would be lovely, Salaam, thank you very much.
Ahmedinajab presses an intercom button.
AHMEDINAJAB Send in the new girl, Charlise.
SHIRLEY Is she showing any signs of homesickness?
AHMEDINAJAB None at all...She forgets all about home in the rose bath. Ah, here she is now. What a vision, yes?
Charlise is led in by the Harem Mistress. She's dressed in a harem girl outfit. 97 SHIRLEY Well, don't you look spectacular , my dear! What's it like to be spoiled?
CHARLISE It's wonderful. I've never experienced anything like it.
Shirley circles Charlise, patting her here and there. She slips a piece of paper in Charlise's hand and Charlise tucks it in her pantaloons.
SHIRLEY Do you have anything you'd like me to tell your parents?
CHARLISE Don't tell them I'm in a harem. Just tell them I fell in love over here.
AHMEDINAJAB Ah, you see? She's smitten! It happens all the time. Perhaps she can be made a wife some day. Then we can have her parents over.
SHIRLEY That would be lovely.
Your classmates are doing quite well at the Model UN. I'll say good-bye to them for you.
CHARLISE I'd like that.
Shirley kisses Charlise on the cheek.
SHIRLEY I'm glad to see you're doing so well in your new role as a harem girl. Think of yourself as a goodwill ambassador. 98
AHMEDINAJAB Of course , of course ! That's just what she is, a goodwill ambassador. I'll see you out.
They walk towards the front door.
AHMEDINAJAB You see, we treat our women well here. Well, you have a safe trip back, and I'll take care of your protegée.
SHIRLEY Thank you, Salaam And thanks again for your hospitality.
AHMEDINAJAB Thank you for your belly dance. Are you sure you don't want to be in someone's harem? I bet you could fetch a quarter million.
SHIRLEY It's tempting, but no. I think I'll just keep on teaching ethics.
AHMEDINAJAB I like your ethics! Well then, good-bye, my new friend.
SHIRLEY Good-bye, Salaam
He pecks her on the cheek and she turns to go.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
EXT. AN INDUSTRIAL FACILITY – NIGHT
A compound of industrial buildings. 99
Johnny and the Air Force team occupy a ridge above the plant. Black parasails are lined up along the ridge. Another Air Force cadet, BUSTER, looks through binoculars.
BUSTER Are you sure that's it? The sign says, “Nuclear Energy Plant.”
JOHNNY That's it, it looks just like the models back at West Point. Besides, do you see any transformer farms? Don't you think there would be power lines and transformers if it were a power plant?
BUSTER You've got a point there.
JOHNNY OK, here's the drill: We drop on the water tower near the fence and let your parasails go into the woods beyond. Buster, you first, then right on down the line. Take off in 30-second intervals. I'll bring up the rear.
BUSTER Off we go, into the wild blue yonder.
JOHNNY Or in this case, black. Now, git!
Buster runs towards the ridge and takes off in his black parasail. He sails up in an updraft.
Johnny watches his watch. He signals the subsequent cadets' launches. Finally, he takes off himself.
The parasails glide silently in the moonless sky. 100
Buster's sail approaches the water tower. He steps off onto the roof and lets go. The parasail glides to beyond the fence and into the trees beyond.
The next cadet does the same thing. The rustling in the trees catches the attention of some GUARDS in a GUARD TOWER. They train their lights out into the trees. A GUARD picks up a phone. Below, a squad of GUARDS runs and gets into a truck which drives out to investigate.
Meanwhile, the remaining 4 parasail cadets land on the water tower. They assemble on the catwalk.
EXT. A RIVERBANK – NIGHT
The Navy team, a HALF-DOZEN YOUNG MEN in scuba gear, prepare to dive in a river. The trigger plant lies a couple of hundred yards from them.
They push off and submerge. They swim along with the current. They're pressed against an underwater chain- link fence. Two divers produce fence cutters and cut a hole in the fence. The divers swim through it.
EXT. A TWO-LANE BLACKTOP – NIGHT
A military truck drives along. Four belly dancers ride in the back.
A tree lies in the road. The DRIVER stops. He gets out to clear the tree out of the road.
A karate kick to the head drops the driver. Combat boots on the foot that delivered it.
The four belly dancers get out to investigate. Four Seduction Squad counterparts dispatch them with quick blows. They roll their bodies down an embankment and out of sight. 101 Fila gets in the driver's clothes. The girls get in the back and they drive on.
EXT. THE MAIN GATE OF THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER PLANT – NIGHT
The truck drives up to the gate. Fila hands a GUARD some papers. He looks in the back and sees the belly dancers. He wiggles his fingers at them and they wiggle their fingers back. Their veils are pulled up over their noses.
The guard signals the truck through and they drive through the main gate.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. THE DOJO OF DEATH – NIGHT
The teams, thinned out from the first sequence, sit in their places.
Buzz looks at Tarzan. Tarzan looks at Buzz.
The Announcer approaches the microphone.
ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, this is the night we've all been waiting for. We have two unscored-upon teams remaining: The United States and Iran.
(Cheering)
ANNOUNCER We will start with the heavyweight division. Will the respective teams send their fighters to the cage, please? 102 Buzz stands, as does Tarzan. They take a couple of steps down. They stop.
Tarzan stares at the captain of the Iranian team. Suddenly, he reaches for him and rips his head off.
Buzz signals his fighters to attack.
BUZZ Go, go, go! Get Syria!
They wade into the panic-stricken Syrian team. They send bodies flying everywhere.
On the Iranian side, Tarzan crushes his old tormentors like cardboard boxes.
Buzz runs up to the confused Irish and British teams. He hollers to the British CAPTAIN.
BUZZ You'd better join the fray! Take Egypt!
CAPTAIN I say, old chap, this is highly irregular.
BUZZ There are no rules, remember? We just applied that early. No time for tea, it's kill or be killed.
Buzz seeks out a heavyweight. He crushes his temple.
CAPTAIN Well, alrighty then, chaps, tallyho! You Irish blokes take Syria.
The Irish and British fighters do battle with their counterparts.
A CHESSBOARD. Black knight takes red knight. 103
INT. THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER PLANT – NIGHT
The Seduction School girls are ushered by a GUARD into a dressing room with four seats along a mirror. Fila waits outside.
An IRANIAN GUARD guards the other side of the door from Fila. He speaks to Fila in Farsi.
GUARD That's some hot poontang they got us tonight, eh?
FILA Yeah, hot.
GUARD Hey, you're a new driver, aren't' you? I haven't seen you before.
FILA Yeah.
GUARD What, you can't talk?
The guard turns just in time to catch Fila's kick to his head. He crumples.
Fila rushes in the dressing room.
FILA OK, come on, the coast is clear. Hurry!
Fila holds the door as the girls rush out. Billie secures the guard's pistol as she exits.
EXT. THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER PLANT – NIGHT
A large industrial building. The Navy and Air Force cadets huddle together. The Army cadets join them. 104 FILA OK, this is it, the reactor. The cooling plant is below ground.
MIKE We haven't set off any alarms so far, but that could change here.
FILA The girls as a distraction have worked so far. Let's work it again. You ready?
Billie nods. She hands her pistol to Mike. The girls and Fila enter the reactor building.
They encounter the front TWO GUARDS, seated at a desk.
GUARD What are you doing over here? The canteen is back that way.
The girls begin a belly dance. The guards look at each other. They smile.
GUARD Well, what do you know? Maybe the Brass took some pity on us poor working slobs during show time.
Two of the girls begin lap dances on the guards. The guards smile until the girls snap their necks. The girls lay their heads back on their desks like they're asleep.
FILA OK, let's hurry. It won't be long until someone discovers this.
BILLIE Or that guard back at the canteen.
Fila puts on a headset. 105 FILA Mike, Johnny, the coast is clear. Come on in. You guys secure the upstairs, watch for aggressors. We'll take a look in the cooling pond and advise, over.
OK. let's go.
They see a human FORM at the end of the hallways. The form is OMAR. He runs to the elevators and gets in.
FILA That dirty turncoat! I should have known! Let's get him!
The Americans run down the hallway and find an elevator. They get in. They find a floor with a “NUCLEAR MATERIALS” sign and symbol on it and push that button. The door closes.
TOMMY (O.S.) Looks like we've got company.
FILA Shit, I was afraid of that. OK, Tommy, you're in charge. Keep them off our backs.
TOMMY (O.S.) You've got it.
EXT. THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER FACILITY – NIGHT
A jeep rolls up with the two guards from the observation tower who went to investigate the noise in the trees. Behind it are two trucks full of SOLDIERS. Behind them are three tanks.
The stop at the front gate. 106 Rockets streak forth from the hillside and blow up the last two tanks. Tommy's men rake the front of the column with gunfire. Iranian soldiers are mowed down before they can even use their weapons.
FOUR AMERICANS approach the lead tank as it whirs its cannon around in the direction of Tommy's men. Two jump on the turret. One opens the turret. The other fires down into the tank until the screams stop.
AMERICAN DRIVERS get in the two trucks and the jeep. The tank breaks out of the column and smashes through the gate with the jeep and the two trucks following.
INT. THE GENERAL'S PALACE – NIGHT
The General's bedroom. SOFT MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS.
The General sports a silk bathrobe. He strikes a gong. He lies on his immense four-poster bed.
The harem mistress escorts Charlise into the room. The mistress bows and backs out.
Charlise is elaborately dressed in Middle Eastern women's boudoir dress. Ahmedinajab applauds, softly.
AHMEDINAJAB Ah, a vision of loveliness! A true desert flower. My prettiest acquisition yet. Dance!
Charlise begins a slow belly dance for him.
AHMEDINAJAB Now come. Come to Salaam's garden of delights...
FADE OUT
FADE IN: 107 INT. THE DOJO OF DEATH – NIGHT
The British, Irish and American teams and Tarzan, stand in the middle of dozens of bodies.
IRISH FIGHTER Well, that was a wee bit o' a good donnybrook.
BUZZ We'd better get out of here.
TARZAN Limo's outside. Our team's.
BUZZ Go secure them. I'll be right up.
They run out. Buzz finds the utility room. He finds the gas line. He breaks it. He runs out.
On the street, the fighters scramble into three limos. The bodies of the drivers lie on the sidewalk.
Buzz gets into the passenger seat of the lead limo.
BUZZ Come on, let's go! Move this thing!
They squeal tires as they drive away. Behind them, the Dojo ERUPTS INTO FLAMES.
INT. THE REACTOR – NIGHT
The elevator stops. Fila and the four girls exit into a control room. Bodies lie strewn about.
FILA What the...?
Omar steps out of a shadow into the light. 108 OMAR Hello, Fila.
FILA Omar, you dirty sonofabitch! Did you do this?
OMAR I did. Nice work, eh?
FILA I'm gonna kick your ass from here to kingdom come, you asshole!
BILLIE Easy does it, Fila. Don't you see? He's the mole.
FILA You ?! On our side? Not after breaking my arm and my ribs and my face!
OMAR I did it under orders, man. It was the only way to gain their confidence.
FILA Wesley had you fuck me up? That sucks , man!
OMAR They needed someone inside. I had to do something radical from their point of view. I'm a hero here, man. With my background in nuke, I was a shoe-in to work here.
FILA A double agent, for our side. Don't that beat all? I'm still going to kick your ass when we get home. 109 BILLIE Another time. There's something else we need to fuck up, and it's right behind you.
Fila looks behind him into the nuclear reactor.
FILA So that's where they make it, eh? Damn! Well, sorry, Axis of Evil, we don't feel like dying right now.
Omar, do you know what to do?
OMAR Just hit this breaker right here. Done!
The cooling water in the reactor begins to go down. Alarm bells ring.
Fila listens in his earpiece.
FILA Sounds like a shooting match upstairs, ladies and gents, so grab your jocks up there. Let's go!
They run for the elevators.
INT. THE GENERAL'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Charlise nears the bed. The General lays on top of a silk comforter in his robe. She gets on the bed with him.
He puts her hand in his crotch.
AHMEDINAJAB You like Salaam's salami? Ha ha, I learn that expression in your country. 110
She smiles.
CHARLISE It's...cute.
AHMEDINAJAB Cute? What is, “cute?” Cute is not so good, I think.
CHARLISE Now I wouldn't complain, Salaam, when I have my hand on your salami.
She squeezes, just as she covers his face with his pillow. He thrashes around, but she has him pinned. Finally his thrashing stops.
CHARLISE I was being nice...It really wasn't cute at all.
A CHESSBOARD. Black queen takes red king.
She props him up in bed. She spirits out of the bedroom. She enters the harem room.
MISTRESS I have a message for the general, but I didn't want to give it to him while you were in there.
CHARLISE I wouldn't take it in now, either. It seems I wore him out.
Charlise puts on a robe. She exits the harem room into the front hallway.
A HUGE EUNUCH sits at a desk in the harem doorway. He stands when he sees her. He addresses her in Farsi.
EUNUCH Hey, you can't go into town. 111
CHARLISE Not even to get some night air?
EUNUCH I no speak English. You speak Farsi.
A VOICE behind him. Shirley's voice.
SHIRLEY Perhaps I can translate. She said, “Good night.”
EUNUCH Good-night? What she mean, good night?
SHIRLEY A two-low, two-high, Charlise, are you ready?
CHARLISE Ready.
SHIRLEY On three. One...
CHARLISE ...Two...
The Eunuch turns to be aligned with them.
EUNUCH Hey...!
SHIRLEY ...Three!
They both kick his knees, collapsing them. He screams and crumples, then they both kick his head, crushing it. He falls dead, face first. 112 SHIRLEY Come on, Wesley's got a car out front!
They rush out and get in the car. They peel away.
EXT. THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER PLANT – NIGHT
Fila, Omar and the four girls run out of the nuclear reactor.
The tank fires at the guard towers. It blows into smithereens. Bodies pile up as Iranian guards are mowed down by the Academy.
Fila, Omar and Billie fire away as they run towards the trucks. The other three Seduction School girls run behind them. They gain the truck and get in.
The tank fires a round into what remains of the gate. It EXPLODES and they rush out through the hole. Fila, Omar and Billie mow down the last few guards who pursue them.
EXT. A CLEARING – NIGHT
The Landing Zone.
Buzz prepares the Osprey for a vertical landing. The Academy, British and Irish fighters from the Dojo of Death are in it.
Wesley's car drives up. He illuminates the clearing with his headlights. The tank, the two trucks and the jeep from the Nuclear Trigger Plant drive up and illuminate the clearing with their headlights.
Buzz lands the Osprey. The Academy members on the ground rush towards it and get in. The Osprey takes off.
INSIDE, the British Assassin Academy commander, MAJOR NIGEL LEMMINGSWORTH, approaches Wesley. 113
NIGEL Major Nigel Lemmingsworth, Her Majesty's Royal Army, at your service, sir.
WESLEY Major Wesley Van Damme, U.S. Army. Glad to meet you.
NIGEL I say, old chap, you Yanks do seem to be always in a hurry.
WESLEY Kicking butt since 1776, Nigel, kicking butt since 1776.
Fila, Buzz and Charlise find Wesley.
FILA So sir, what was that all about? We think we know, but what did we accomplish?
WESLEY When their trigger plant melts down, they've got a big mess on their hands and a lot of explaining to do.
JOAN The UN will come in and look around. There's no way they can explain it away as a Chernobyl- style accident.
FILA Talk about a Model UN!
WESLEY (Laughs) Yeah, that's the way to win a debate. 114 SHIRLEY Charlise took out their trigger man. But we think their President has a big enough ego to launch their existing nukes anyway. When they do, we shoot 'em out of the sky and double-expose their nuke program for what it is.
JOAN Our bet is, that will make their alliance fall apart, at least for the foreseeable future. No World War Three.
FILA We did all that? Damn!
BUZZ Not to mention taking out that Dojo of Death bullshit. Their secret agent programs won't recover for a long time. Oh, and sir, you've got to meet Tarzan. Come on up here, Tarzan!
Tarzan walks up. He salutes.
TARZAN Good to meet you sir, ma'ams.
SHIRLEY We've heard a lot about you, Tarzan. How do you like freedom?
TARZAN Tarzan like it fine, ma'am.
WESLEY It'll be good to have you in the U.S. Assassin Academy. 115 BUZZ Yeah, with Tarzan on our team, I bet they wont' be starting up that Dojo of Death again for a long time.
FILA So sir, what about us?
WESLEY You'll go back to being mild- mannered Academy cadets.
SHIRLEY With a PhD in killing, ha!
WESLEY The U.S. Will never admit you exist. That's the nature of clandestine operations. No medals for you, or even column in the paper, I'm afraid.
FILA Hey sir, you really do need to get us a tougher assignment next time!
(Laughter)
EXT. AN AERIAL VIEW – DAY
Two missiles launch into the sky.
One heads east, one heads west. As they arc, antimissile missiles intercept them destroying them.
A CHESSBOARD. Black queen captures red queen.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE – DAY
President Vigil and Admiral Muldoon sit on couches. Wesley, Shirley and Joan brief them. 116 WESLEY So that's it, Madam President. Mission accomplished, once we hopped that stealth bomber back to West Point.
MULDOON Our nation owes you and your Academy a debt of gratitude, Major. The world, too, as the Iranians took to the streets after that meltdown and threw out Ahmedinajab.
VIGIL And the U.N. moved in once those missiles were neutralized. You all deserve medals, but I'm afraid we can't admit your existence.
JOAN There is one way to thank us, Madam President.
VIGIL I'm all ears.
SHIRLEY It involves that half a million dollars. Well, while most college kids were on Spring Break, our kids were killing bad guys in Iran.
VIGIL I see. You're asking for a Spring Break...
WESLEY Call it Rest and Relaxation... Debriefing. 117 VIGIL You take that half a million dollars, you give the kids their Spring Break, with my blessing.
Wesley, Joan and Shirley smile at each other.
The President stands and they all stand in response. They shake hands.
VIGIL And then go back into training. We may have to call on you again.
WESLEY Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.
INT. A CLIFFSIDE HOTEL AT ACAPULCO – DAY
Buzz dives off the cliff into the water below. Tarzan does a cannonball right after him.
Charlise is on Fila's shoulders in the pool. They have a water fight with the other Academy kids.
Wesley, in a swimsuit, lies on a lounge chair between the bikini'd Joan and Shirley. Joan and Shirley apply sunblock to him.
Wesley pops a huge boner. Shirley covers it with a sombrero.
Wesley opens his eyes and looks at Joan and Shirley.
WESLEY Geronimo?
JOAN Geronimo.
SHIRLEY Definitely Geronimo!
Wesley wraps a towel around himself. 118
WESLEY Damn , I love my job!
They laugh and run into the hotel.