Office of Student Affairs

2011-05-01

A Modest Proposal, vol. 7, no. 8

Taylor Brigance, et al.

© 2011 A Modest Proposal

Find more information about this article here. This document has been made available for free and open access by the Eugene McDermott Library. Contact [email protected] for further information.

1he Peer Advisors' nuz,aen Under (esilfentz:aL Life Pages 4&5

Student Government elections result in poor reporting and restrictive regulations Page 6

• 2 T H E · E·o 1T o R s DESK

From the I disa~ree with much of this article, but I wjlllimit my criticism to your argument that anti-Muslim sentiments are not a major problem in the United Discussion States. You cite the statistic that 8.6% of the religious- motivated hate crimes Boards were ~gainst Muslims as evidence that there is not a significant race/religious problem with Muslims in this country.•The Arnedcan Muslim populat:ipn is generally estimate-d to be between 0.4% (American Religious Identification Survey, 2008) and 2.3% (Council on American-Islamic Relations, 2010). That means that violence against Muslims is between four to twenty times greater than what one would expect based on their composition of the American Ill take the word of I~dians actually "from India over you ·and Indian Ameri­ people. So while 8.6% might not be a large percentage, it is quite large relative cans on what actually offends them. Can anyone show me a blatantly racist and to the population of the group which is the recipient of the violence. hate 1illed remark posted there? More anecdotally, where were you during the G round Zero uproar? Or the Jason, "Subde Racism" post No.5 numerous similar anti-Isla.in protests that have occurred throughout the coun­ try since then, most recently in the form of the <21tran burning in Florida? In anticipation of your "those are just isolated incidents" rebuttal, here is another statistic for you. Although MusUms make up approximately percent Jason, your claim is ''Ill take the word oflndians actually from India over 2 of the United States population, they accounted for about one-quarter of you and lndian.Americans on what actually offends them." the 3,386 religious discrimination claints filed with the Equal Employment That is based on the assumption that an Indian person actually posted Opportunity C ommission in 2009. This humber is 20 percent higher than the something that made a claim against TCM being offensive to Indians. As far same ~gure in 2008 and up nearly 60 per~ent from 2005. So much for the as I know, I haven't seen anyone post, "Look at all of the un-offcnsive material "things we1:e bad after 9/11 but everything is cool now" characterization. on this page! W ay to go TCM!". 1 could keep going with both statistical and anecdotal evidence, but suffice No, simply "being" Indian and posting on TCM doesn't qualify as. an to say your ''anti..:Muslim prejudice is no biggie" argument completely under­ endorsement. Ifl am Mexican, and I post a joke about Mexicans on the whelmed me. I wish you ~ad left it out, because you have a defensible position in ternet, that doesn't mean that I'm trying to imply tha.t all Mexicans are not • > I about the desirability mandatory Arabic classes. Why you felt the need to offended by the joke. ' thr.ow in "Islamophobia is overblown" is beyond me, but it definitely weakens Nothing's worse than raCists who try to justify that their racism isn't racist. the overall piece. · Nick, "Subtle Racism" post No. 7 Benjamin D ower, "Freedom of Speech" post No. 1

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BY DOUGLAS DOW AND 4 EDWARD HARPHAM The plight of the PAs on Campus Editors BY TAYLOR BRIGANCE The Menu 'J'aylor Brigance I4 Taylor Buttler This Month: The Menu goes out and about Kenn.y,.Gray . 6 Electoral F allure BY BRADY SPENRATH Alkif'P.ost SG elections riddled with SO CIAL COMM EN TARY Media Adviser incompetence BY IRENE MORSE Chad Th.Q.mas , ':i:', I6 Tequila Twilight Ombudsman Is the sun setting on everyone's favorite Gratifying Greek Mexican liquor? Peter Elliott 7 How a taste of ancient tounges can facilitate BY RYAN HENRY learning .Copy Editors Elemental Entropy Natasha Belknap BY NATASHA BELKNAP I7 The Earth is running out of technological ingredients Contributors GovERNMENT BY PETER ELLIOTT Becky~ar Natasha Belknap & PO LITICS Wheels of Fortune Lewis Chang I8 Stephanie Chlu Facilitating how cars and bikes roll Jason Didier Armed Amateurs BY ALICE POST William Dodson 8 Douglas Dow More guns doesn't equal more safety SHAMELESS FR IVOLITY Alex Garcia Topete BY CAMILLE MEDER Edward Harpham Potty Humor Ryan Henry You've Gotta Stay Strapped .19 Jessie a Higgins 9 Elizabeth Kensinger Stripping students of guns weakens campus PUZZLES & GAM ES Anastasia Konstans defenses CamHleMeder BY JASON D{DIER Puzzles Page Jeffrey MJranda 20 Irene Morse I 0 Hard to Swallow . GinaPyon Texas republicans attempt to force traditional 22 The Uranus Brady Spenrath values down our throats Chelsea Wolfe Christina Wolfe BY JESSICA HIGGINS I I Profitable Professors Found only at amputd.com ... Disclaimer Why dollars are the wrong measure of a Opinions vrpmud in A Alodest ONLINE E xcLUSIVE Proposal are thou ofthe di/Qr qr pro~essor's worth oftht writer ofthe artide and are BY WILLIAM DODSON Fine Tuning notntussarily those oftht univer­ ,------::;;;:------. How to take Student Media to the next level sity administration, the Board of BY ALEX GARCIA TOPETE Regents of'Iht Uni'IJersity ofTexas A Modest Proposa/T-Ships! System, or oftht operating /)(J{Ird # the newspaper. A Mqdest Proposal has undeniably awesome t-shlrts. One could be yours today. All contributors arc entitled to one We're your voice. free t-shlrt. Anyone may purchase at-shirt for Sl 0 (but Cover design by g1na pyon. Why no~ use ttr , , why pay when you can contribute?). Email us for pur­ Uranus cover design by alex garcia topete [email protected] chase information at [email protected] Front Back Contents images by anastasia konstans and becky aguil:u; 4 CA~PLJS~~L~I~F~E------~ ~ Who Advises the Advisors? 1he plight of the PAs on campus of Residential Life. While there are some what we did" described one PA. complaints that PA training has become legitimate reasons for this, the result ofthis The disciplinary process for the PAs is more and more about building a family­ rule is that the sources used for this article also a source offrustration. While there are esque bond rather than job preparation. had to remain completely anonymous just certain offenses that supposedly guarantee Secondly, there are claims that the to be able to speitk about their job without a PA to lose their job, the coordinators PAs are taking care .of things on the by taylor brigance fear of termination. Therefore, much like actually appear to have a large amount job that they don't receive training or [email protected] Law and Order, the situations discussed of leeway in determining punishment for compensation for. These include assistance are deliberately kept vague to protect the infractions. with maintenance work, passi~g out flyers innocent. The reported justification for this for an entire apartment phase on their 'TI1e UT Dallas Peer Advisors, or PAs, The organization has reportedly leeway is to ensure a "spectrum of options" own time, or being "highly encouraged" to are a large, permanent presence at our had a few troubles recently. According that the coordinators can take as they assist with resident move in ... and then university, providing advice, enforcing to anonymous sources, the students see fit. The result, however, is allegations not readily offered any compensation rules, and attempting to give a little bit unanimously agreed ..tpon a proposal that of favoritism and personal relationships should they strain or injure of guidance to living on campus. They would change the nature of rounds, a having a large influence over what happens themselves during the move in are probably among the very first people requirement of the job where two PAs at a to a PA. There are rumors ofpeople getting process. you ever met at the start of your collegiate time aie scheduled to patrol the entirety of away with _things as dire as underage The first month during experience. the freshman areas of campus on lookout drinking without anything more than a resident move in was for rule infringements, safety stern lecture, while something as trivial as described as the make­ concerns, or anything suspicious. losing the phone for a few minutes gets it-or-break-it time, and Rounds would have changed met with termination. after that the job gets a "It seemed like they decided to from the current format to a new The PAs have a large amount of bit more routine. Time approach where each PA responsibility over their fellow students. management was stressed keep upping the ante enough would patrol their own With such high stakes- both for as one of the biggest that we would back down. building everyday. students and PAs themselves-ensuring skills that a good PA The reasoning was that each PA is as prepared as needs in order to be able Which is essentrally what we said to be that possible for their job is an obvious to handle the various the same work necessity. The application process demands of the job. did" described one PA. would get done, and the weeklong training all PAs These include being but at the cost go through is designed towards readily available for of a few minutes training the formal duties of a Peer per day, rather Advisor: the paperwork, the .rules The Peer Advisors have a unique than a few hours per week. and regulations, etc. The PAs situation in their employment: if they It was apparently also felt also do an exercise where lose their job, it means not only a loss that this would increase veteran PAs act out these of income, but also a loss of residence. the sense ofresponsibility kinds of situations for the They are kicked out of their apartment each PA had for their new _Adviso~s to get some if their job is terminated. This means the building and their area. limited experience. Residential Life office, which runs the PA A counter proposal from The majority of the job program, has a large amount ofpower over Residential Life, allegedly was described as something their student employees, who are often changed most of the that can't really be prepared totally dependent on their job. Consider students' proposals and for, just experienced. how much impact being fired could have effectively increased However, there (U"e on a student's life and academic career­ the amount of time ···"·_ ,,. ,,,,A~J~ especially since many of these PAs don't spent on rounds. have nearby family to fall back on. "It seemed like they · There is a standing rule for the decided to keep upping Peer Advisors forbidding them from the ante enough that we would discussing their job with any body outside back down. Which is essentially The aparunent totally makes it worth it. illustration by lew1s chang A MoDEST PROPOSAL C A M P US LIFE 5

their residents, being student employment, on call should anyone volunteerism, and informal phone Residential camaraderie shows a slightly Life, and rounds. A darker edge. Team building is PA is usually able to a perfectly fine goal, but does schedule school work it need to be the chief priority and personal life around when training students that are their job, but all of them in such unparalleled positions live with the assumption of responsibility? When a that their plans ca n be bowling trip is mandatory, a new overridden at any moment. approach is in order. , The PAs are given the Likewise, a simulation can opportunity to continue only go so far in preparing a PA their job over the summer. to spot depression, or keep calm in Unfortunately, the summer an emergency situation, to name a pay was reportedly half the amount of the few examples. When a PA starts out regular school year (so the student was at day one, all they seem to be armed essentially paying to do their job, since with is some bureaucratic procedures, their salary no longer covered the cost of a manual, and wha.tever moxie they rent), there was three times as much work brought to the table themselves. that needed to be done (since there were A certain amount of discipline far fewer people to split up the load), and is always going to be necessary, not as much time to do it (since the PAs and rumors can easily get distorted. usually had to pick up another job just Some instances may very well be cases of Advisors in the first place. Despite the to get the rent paid). While this issue is straws and camel backs. But implications complaints, the experience was always supposed to be addressed for the 2011 offavoritism continue to linger; even when described as a positive one and the PAs summer. the fact that it was around for it finds an official cover story. Imagine all seem to genuinely enjoy each other and being told that you're getting their job. fired for being late 21 times No organization is perfect, and the when you never heard a word Peer Advisor program is going through If gossip can lead to people during the first twenty instances. some understandable growing pains as It's that kind of situation. This student enrollment syvells. The great getting fired, something needs disciplinary terrorism ·is the service that PAs provide for our school to change. dark side of camaraderie, since a is slowly being made that much more family spat can result in jobless difficult by a situation largely out of their and homeless students. If gossip hands. The stakes are so high-both for can lead to people getting fired, them, and for regular students-that they so long is indicative of an organizational something needs to change. and their organization need to be held framework that is unresponsive to the The PA censorship, while having good to · stricter standards and scrutiny. This PAs' needs and requests. intentions like protecting the privacy of summer, as you leave and return to our Normally, an organization's internal the residents or preventing the university campus, keep this situation in mind as you affairs are its own, and if it decides it needs from being misrepresented, is still too interact with your PA These passionate to focus on team building and morale, broad-a bit like using a battleaxe when and hardworking advisors are here for you. it's no one else's business. This family a scalpel would do. It isn't even necessary: They are provided some excellent rewards atmosphere might seem like a great thing, all of those interviewed spoke about how for this service, but it's important that all but think for a bit about the ongoing their desire to foster school spirit, give of us, students and staff alike, not expect Taylor is ju.rt trying to make up for the hell he put train wreck that is a usual family, and all back to their university, and connect with more than they are able to give. • his freshman PA through. of a sudden this complicated mixture of fellow students led them to become Peer Discuss this article at amJ>utd.com! 6 CAMPUS LIFE SuMMER 20 I I • VoLUME 7 • Electoral Failure SG elections riddled with incompetence

end only two tickets actually formed, Stu­ dents United for Progress (sporting the brilliantly intelligent acronym SUP) and Student Advocates. Of these two tickets, only one was headed by candidates for by irene morse president and vice president, who ran for irene. [email protected] their positions unopposed (except perhaps for the occasional Mickey Mouse write­ Observers are quick to condemn UTD in). This slim participation is unacceptable students for being apathetic and unin­ for an organization that makes so many volved in their campus, and it'$ true that important decisions about our campus. the first impression many people have of It is unfair, though, to pin the blame our campus consists largely of serious­ for these problems solely on SG. Issues looking students walking around quickly within the Election Code, specifically the with ear buds in their ears. ticket system, are the cause of most, if not However, there are reasons that UTD all, of the drama surrounding SG elec­ students are uninvolved; the reality is that tions, and generate the widespread per­ the culpability for this situation may lie ception that the elections are a popularity more with campus institutions than with contest. the students themselves. Tickets hypothetically sound like a A perfect case study of this situation good idea, as they provide the same ben­ can be found in the recent Student Gov­ efits of any political alliance, such as a It's difficult to applaud with so much red tape. illustration by stephanie chiu ernment (SG) elections. For those who political party. Nevertheless, like political nounced on its website. Perhaps partially elections. SG did not publicize them. As don't know (probably the majority of the parties, tickets often prove to be problem­ because SG never listed a location for the of the writing of this article they have not student population), UTD students were atic, especially at UTD. This year tickets meeting, attendance at this MANDA­ been put on the website. They were not able to vote online in the SG election did not even advance platforms or take TORY meeting was quite sparse: There emailed to the student body. from March 28-30. stances on controversial student issues. weren't more than seven people there. The general student body did not even Ignorance ofthe elections was the norm Some individuals may have asked in receive notification that the results were because of the ineffectiveness of SG's ad­ advance to be excused from the meeting, available in the SG suite-only the candi­ vertising. '-\''bile SG did put up some fly­ Ironically, even the but it is difficult to believe that everyone dates did. The Mercury did publicize some ers, posters and Facebook posts, as well as privileged few who knew who ran for office (minus those seven in (not all) of the results, but it was not until hosting a few promotional events, many attendance) was excused. April 18th, much later than it should have students were still unaware of the elec­ that SG elections were These no-show candidates were still been. tions. It would have been great if someone allowed to run for office. Those candi­ Don't let these past elections make had painted the Spirit Rocks, or ifSG had happening did not seem dates who did show up to the MANDA­ you think that SG is hopeless; it has done taken advantage of its exclusive ability to to care much. TORY meeting were rewarded by having many good things for the student popula­ chalk the campus for the election. the Election Code read to them and then tion. Therefore the situation essentially emailed to them, in the off chance that Each SG administration will have its boiled down to this: The few who knew It seems that all tickets currently do is they were actually capable of reading for deficiencies, but these deficiencies provide about elections were those who were al­ marginalize those equally qualified candi­ themselves. opportunities for the ne..xt administration ready in SG and those who have friends dates who were unable to find a spot on a The problems continued even after to make positive changes. Hopefully our who were already in SG. Ironically, even ticket. UTD would do well to follow the voting was officially over. Mter a tiny part newly elected SG will take advantage of the privileged few who knew that SG lead ofUT Austin and other schools and of the UTD population voted (approx. these opportunities and will give us better elections \>vere happening did n()t seem to eliminate the ticket system in their SG 700 out of 17,000 students), candidates elections next year. a care much. elections. · received an email stating that election re­ Students ttttempted to form tickets Another botched situation can be sults were available in the SG suite. 1hc:re's a party in Irene's pants and attmdance is and run for office, but the process rapidly found in the MANDATORY (empha­ Students who were not running MANDATORY. became fraught ·'Arith drama, and in the sis SG's) candidate meeting that SG ::~n - wouldn't have kl10Y.'il the results o.f'the Discuss.t'his ftrtide ut @zputd.com! A MoDEST P ROPOSAL CAMPUS .LIFE 7 Grati ·ing .Greek How a taste of ancient tongues can fa~ilitate learning

by the past. If excluding Latin and Greek "row"; "class" becomes "division"-! know- the long Latinate or Greek words from the range of curriculum is what it mean, "subset"-! mean, "set". "Phylum" as well as the ones you say without know­ means to look to the future, perhaps we should be thrown out alt<>gether for such ing where they come from. Consider the should also remove those vestiges from a flagrant violation and for sounding so English word "scop", meaning "shaper", our language. much like "phlegm". which sounds like it might mean "engi­ by natasha belknap Let's start by "Animal" and "plant" neer" but is actually like Greek "poietes", [email protected] revising the Latin "Phylum" should be need' new names, as or "maker". Take the derivative of that and taxonomical no­ does "evolution" and, you get "poet", wl'\ich our production;­ menclature of bi­ thrown out altogether for most importantly, based philosophy has defined to mean I was recently disheartened when I ology, after which "science", a particu­ "someone who doesn't make anything". googled "ut dallas greek'' and came up we will replace the such a flagrant violation larly sloppy example Consider that if you cannot remember with <>nly information about fraternity words "biology" and for sounding so much of Latin infiltrat­ the polysyllabic nonsense words you're and sorority life. Both are valuable insti- . and "taxonomy" ing our language. learning outside of language classes, you tutions, but is there really no one inter­ with the non-Greek like "phlegm". We use this word are forgetting not only the answers to the ested in learning Greek at a school that "Ufestudy" and "ar­ for "the empirical test but those before you who spoke these throws birthday parties for Mario? rangementmcthod". study of the physi­ languages. They, too, looked to the future: 1}e first barrier to adding classes is "Arrangemcntmethod" though, is Latin; cal world", although the Latin "scientia" they built it, and that future is forgetting always money; but the resources needed we should instead use "waytoputtogeth­ means just "knowledge". them. Eventually, if no one studies what are quite cost effective in furthering the er," which is from Old English. "Species" Consider this kind of knowledge: there they wrote, it will be lost forever. purpose of a university-promoting an and "genus" have not even had their spell­ exists a line tangent to a curve because I don't mean to say we should regress environment of universal learning. We ings changed from Latin and should be there exists a language in which the word to blind tradition. Less traditional foreign al ready have professors who know dead promptly replaced with "kind" and "sort". "tangere" means "to touch someone". languages, such as ' Arabic, Chinese, and languages-who will themselves be dead "Family" becomes "kin"; "order" becomes Consider how much of English you don't Japanese, are also essential because they someday along with that knowledge. We introduce. cultures that break with tra­ .have empty classrooms and money to do ditional western assumptions. However, ..:vhat students want. The only question is: what modern languages can't offer is a vi­ are there students who. want' it? sion of the qllture and time period that 1 could reiterate the litany of a.rgu­ set the foundation for modern western mcnts for the classics that everyone al­ thought. To understand ourselves as well ways pretends to agree with-cultural as others, we need to have some idea of enrichment, worth of literature, historical where we came from. significance, sounding impressive-but Rome is not an ideal model for Amer­ I doubt you care that this sentence is an ica, but it has. been our model. Latin has example of praeteritio. been used in the past to glorify western It's true that Greek and Latin have few achievement at the expense of other cul­ practical applications for those who do not tures. But, if we do not understand it we want to study Uterature, Spanish, ltaUan, will not be able to see the phantom limbs French, Portuguese, Catalan, Romanian, of that empire remaining in our culture as linguistics, other inflected languages, lan­ well as in our language. "Dead Janguag­ guages like English with Latinate words, es" are not truly dead-they are worthy medieval liturgy or poetry, Virgil, Ovid, scholarly pursuits for everyone. • Homer, Sophocles, Plato,·mythology, the New Testament, philosophy, law, history, or anything written in Europe before the 18th century. After all, this is a science and engineering school; perhaps these Natasha speaks Greek (o her cal. things are irrelevant. Perhaps we should I' She's not crazy: it's the reincarnation. of Plato.

look to the future instead ofbeing bound Something 'was.lost in translation here. illustration by ·anastasia kon~tans I I , ' DisCJJSS,t hif ~r;ticlt ill am.Put4.com! 8 Armed Amateurs More guns doesn't equal more safety unstable student could islation would place students who would legally have a firearm otherwise not even cross paths with an in his or her pos­ aggressor in danger ofbeing-caught in the session, and more crossfire of panic. complicated legal The preparation given to bearers of by camille meder actions would be concealed handgun licenses may promote [email protected] required for the gun safety in general, but is not enough to university to al­ guarantee or even reasonably ensure the leviate any threat not equivalent to an ever-present police ability of the bearer of a concealed band· Proponents of a bill that would per­ from a student force in any way; .should enough people gun license to cope with the situations that mit the bearer of a concealed handgun about whom take advantage of this new law to produce advocates of this bill worry about. Taking license to carry a concealed weapon on a concerns had the impact its proponents hope for, everf=- a class and shooting targets in a controlled college campus say that in the event of been raised. By one should worry about the conse­ environment does not prepare someone to a dangerous campus shooting situation, then, a violent quences. usc a gun appropriately when emotions run students carrying guns would be bet­ crime • could First of all, the requirements high and other people, armed and unarmed, ter able to protect themselves. H owever, already have to obtain a concealed handgun could be harmed by a poor decision. because of the importance of safety on occurred. license in the state of Texas There are far better solutions to protect any college campus, the ramifications of If such are not nearly as strict as college campuses. Texans who are wor· such a law are definitely worth consider­ concern ation. Increasing the number of guns on campuses and adding the irrationality of panicked sit;uations would in fact create more danger. Although it is true that "guns don't kill; people do," guns being present and accessible does make unpremeditated in­ ried about the ability of stances of violence more possible than if police officers to react in a timely there was not such instant availability of manner to a situation occurring on a col­ a firearm. lege campus should focus on how to pro· Under current law, if the administra­ mote efficient police response-such as tion becomes aware that a student has a the requirements to become a police offi­ increasing the number of campus police weapon it can easily be removed from the cer. According to the Texas DPS website, officers or the number of emergency tele­ student's possession, potentially prevent­ a person applying for a concealed hand­ phones on campus. ing a crime from occurring. The proposed gun license must take a ten to fifteen hour Allowing guns on campuses would legislation would mean that a mentally course-hardly comparable to the train­ produce a sense offear more than a feeling ing police officers receive to help them of safety because it would bring the feel­ deal with stressful and frightening situ­ ing that there is a need for self-protection Taking a class and ations. to the forefront. Passing such legislation In suggesting that arming students would not increase safety and in fact could shooting targets in a This is what fear can lead to. would protect them, advocates of such exacerbate an already-dangerous situation illu~ration by becky aguilar controlled environment a law completely disregard the emotion­ and complicate responses.1herefore, Tex­ does not prepare reaches the cars of the administration, al context of a school shooting. Such a ans should abandon the idea of concealed immediate action is imperative and must situation would be characterized by fear, handgun carry on campuses because of its someone to use a gun be legaL which causes people to behave irrational­ potential consequences. • Advocates of concealed carry on cam­ ly. A student with a gun who is aware of a appropriately when pus complain ·that the presence of police is dangerous situation on campus and acting Camil!t was disappointed to discover that NRA emotions.run high ... not enough, as police may arrive too late. out of fear is a danger to other students Jt~ didn't standfor Naked Run Association. However, an armed horde of civilians is or she might encounter. Passing this leg- Discuss this article at amputd.com! P ROPOSAL GovERNMENT & PoLITICS 9 We've Gotta Stay .Strapped Stripping students ofguns weakens campus defenses There is no legitimate reason why a class then this might be a valid argument, sane, law-abiding American citizen and but they do not. College campuses are ex­ There has never been a college student should not be able to carry tremely large and there are many more stu­ a legally purchased firearm on campus for dents than cops. If an incident happens in a mass shooting spree at protection. class, students should have the right to pro­ a gun show where there by jason didier Gun regulation only takes guns out tect themselves with th'eir own guns during [email protected] of the hands of responsible people who · the time it takes the police to respond. were literally thousands would only use them if necessary. Another misconception is that fewer People like Seung-Hui Cho (Virghli.a guns means less violence. There are people of guns. The second and arguably best amend­ Tech shooter) who are on (e.g. left-wing hippies) who think that if ment is the right to bear arms. This suicidal and homicidal you got rid of guns or certain types of guns amendment, created as part of the Bill of rampages could not there would be fewer shootings. If Rights over 200 years ago, states "A well care less about fines guns and shootings always had a di­ never been a mass shooting spree at a gun regulated militia being necessary to the or jail time .• If the rect correlation, then places where show where there were literally thousands security of a free State, the right of the Virginia Tech stu­ a vast majority of people don't of guns. People to keep and bear arms shall not be dents had been have guns (schools and post offices) Overall there is no legitimate and prov­ infringed." allowed to have a would have no shootings, and places en reason to take away the unalienable right This amendment is supposed to give gun safely stored ----. where everyone is armed to the to bear arms from law abiding and sane the right of American citizens the ability in their back packs teeth (gun shows) would host American college students. This is a right to protect themselves with a legally pur­ then they would the bloodiest events ever that countless people have died for and chased firearm. have been able to seen. should not be infringed upon any l~nger. protect themselves and a lot less • people would ~.. •• ·••

have been :Jk~.,... "' ~ - killed. .~ ~·· l~ s.~

Well, that's one interpretation of"gunslinger". ~lustrati on by becky aguilar

There are, however, some people who One argument against The actual events in the past 30 wish to infringe on this right by creating concealed carry on campus years show that there have been Guns don't kill people; guns protect gun free zones or by abolishing the right is that we are already pro- \\ countless shootings at post of- you from other people who want to kill all together. One of the most heavily de­ tected by the on-campus po- fices (the origin of the slang "go­ you. • bated gun free zones is college campuses. lice. While it's definitely true that . . ing postal" was from numerous Some people think that guns are a campus police are qualified to take post-office shootings in the bad thing and that taking guns out of an out a shooter, the police can't 1980s and is now used to de- environment like a college campus will be everywhere at once. scribe homicidal workplace decrease violence. This train of thought Ifschoo ls had enough rage) and schools, like Vir­ has been proven wrong each time a tragic money to put a cop in ginia Tech and UT Austin. Guns don't kill peoplt!--}a.rnn doe.<. shooting incident claims preciqus lives. every e,4lSS!OOm for every l}.t th,e s.a(l1e, tirp!!, there has Discuss this article at amputd.com_! I 0 GOVERNMENT ·& POLITICS SuMMER 20 I I • VoLUME 7 • I ssuE Hard to Swallow Texas republicans attempt to force traditional values down our throats

money to fund a center that supported "non-traditional" tutes engaging in "alternative sexual behavior"? ideas of gender and sexuality would have to match that Oral and anal sex, stereotypically gay sex acts, are also money dollar for dollar to fund a center that supported wildly popular with heterosexual couples, even those in "traditional" ideas. "traditional" marriages. In fact, there is no sexual act that Wait just one second. Could we please have some clarifi­ gay couples could practice that doesn't have an equivalent by jessica higgins cation on what "family and traditional values" even means? act that could be practiced by heterosexuals. The defini­ [email protected] Opposing divorce? Abstinence before marriage? Keeping tion of alternative sexual behavior, or paraphilia, hasn't in- women in the kitchen? What is cluded homosexuality since the the "traditional family" anyway? 1970's. Perhaps Representative As we all know, it can be incredibly tough to be in the Mom, dad, 2.5 kids and a dog? What is the "traditional family" Christian is under the misguid­ majority. Just as white people were extremely marginalized The 1950's family unit? Biblical ed impression that gender and by the civil rights movement, where blacks took all of their polygamy? And is "traditional" anyway? sexuality centers are · holding rights and privileges, these days the straight majority must heterosexual marriage really Mom, dad, 2.5 kids and a dog? seminars on felching and bes­ endure a daily struggle against the oppression of the gay the ideal we should be follow- tiality, but this is certainly -not and transgender population. With these minority groups ing, considering that those who the case. · continuing· to take more and more of the resources away, practice it will have a fifty percent change offailure? Gender and sexuality centers work to educate people on the hetero majority faces significant challenges to have Representative Christian says that the amend­ LGBTCU\ issues. That is, they provide support to lesbian, their voices heard. ment is not intended to take away universities right to gay, bisc;:xual, transgender, and questioning people. They Thankfully, the Texas house has swooped in to save the ''teach alternative sexual behavior," but funding should also help heterosexual people to be allies and reduce ho­ day! Recently, they passed an amendment to the budget bill be equally distributed to promote heterosexual "tradi­ mophobia. Perhaps Representative Christian should visit a that will right the wrongs that have been imposed on the tional values" as well. Is he saying that being gay consti- gender and sexuality center; he could learn something. • extremely neglected heterosexual ...... , ...... population on Texas college cam­ ruses. Republican representa­ tive Wayne Christian proposed the amendment in hopes that it would lead to better campus environments, where the status quo was not trampled by the expansion of diversity. The amendment requires that all public universities in E 1/\fo~:ce, Texas "use an amount of ap­ propriated funds to support a family and traditional values the center for students of the insti­ ...... :: tution that .is not less than any No amount of appropriated funds used by the institution to support a gender and sexuality center or other center for students focused on gay, lesbian, homosexual, bi­ sexual, pansexual, transsexual, transgender, gender ques­ tioning, or other gender identity issues." suspects Republicam hate gays because they want the gold at Essentially, any public When a majority of people the end ofthe rainbow. photoillustration by alice fX>st ' university in Texas that uses state Discuss this article at amt>utd• .com! A M ODEST P ROPOSAL GOVERNMENT & POLITICS II Profitable Professors Why dollars are the wrong measure ofa professor's wort~

by william dodson wed [email protected]

One breezy April morning, I woke up to a story in the Huffington Post about professors at Texas A&M Uni­ versity and what they do to "deserve" their salaries. The vice chancellor for the Texas A&M system got tired of being asked what his professors do to warrant their large salaries, so he developed a 265-page spreadsheet naming and ranking each member of his faculty and staff based on how "profitable" he or she is for the university. Some of the criteria were salary and benefits, research grant monies received, and number of students taught in a day. This spreadsheet was made public after a lo­ cal newspaper heard of its existence and filed an open records request with the university. As one might imagine, faculty at Texas A&M Univer­ sity and The University ofTexas at Austin have expressed concern that such a ranking docs not accurately assess a professor's contribution to the university. Let me say at the outset that I completely understand SALE SALE SALE! ALL PROFESSORS MUST GO! iliustration by stephanie chiu the tough economic times we are facing as a nation. As a tuition-paying student with a family, I do not wish to dents in an essential dialogue that will allow the student our beliefs, question our ideals, and force us to defend trivialize the incredible financial pressures being placed to explore different avenues and possibilities. and justify our opinions. In doing so, they permanently on our public universities and their administrators. But This is the most essential component of the profes­ affect their students. we must proceed with caution when assessing cost-cut­ sor's duties to the university. A professor's performance This dialogue, not only between the students and ting measures at any level of can't simply be measured with a professors, but also between the students themselves, the educational system. spreadsheet because the true mea­ is the most fruitful component of the university It is far too tempting to ap­ It is far too tempting to sure of his or her performance is atmosphere. This exposure to different points of view is ply a corporate mentality to a apply a corporate mentality the impact he or she has on their the most critical function of our higher education system system that was never meant students. because professors never knows if a student in their class to be corporate. In a corporate to a system that was never H ave you ever heard a pro­ is a futt1re President of the United States, Supreme Court environment, there are tangi­ fessor speak ·on a subject so pro­ Justice, or cancer-curing scientist. ble factors that can be evaluat- me;;mt to be corporate. foundly that it changed the way The conversations that are taking place in the ed and measured: H ow many you thought about it? The job of a classrooms and lecture halls will help to shape the minds units produced in a given period of time, how many ser­ professor is NOT to stand in front of a class and regur­ of the leaders and innovators of tomorrow. The true vices rendered over a given time period, ·etc. But in the gitate information on command. 1f that were the case, I measure of great professors is the impact they have on collegiate education system, the metl)ods and outcomes wouldn't need professors. 1 could get a public library card their students, and this is impossible to quanti fy. • are a little more abstract. and save my t1.1ition money. The college environment is supposed to teach hypo­ Professors illuminate the path to understanding by William once tried to pay his tuition theticaJ probl.em solving through critical thinking. To opening st1.1d ents' mind to new possibilities and points of witb s mil~y-Jare mpcakes. accomplish this, a professor must engage his or her stu- view. The greatest professors are the ones who challenge Diswss this article at amtnittl.co"m. ! J2 SociAL CoMMENTAR Y SuMMER 20 I I • V • n

This may be one of the best rock albums of all time, that is, been forgotten? assuming it is a rock album at possible? Check all. In his second solo album, Vee Jay \Y'as the Van Morrison (of "Gloria" company that signed and "Brown Eyed Girl" fame) in the USA after blends together a mystical initially rejected by vision of life, love, and fate that The album jacket is by edward j. harpham is hard to forget. The rhythms The Beades the four mop heads ha'1lham€1)utdallas.cdu Van Morrison and bass lines arc infectious as Introducing the short hair and Astral Weeks they arc blended rogcther by Beatles I ndudcd in this (Warner Brothers: 1968) Morrison's carefully articulated (Vee Jay Records: 1963/64) early Bcatlcs hits att 1 was a bahy· boomer, born in 1951. Graduating from vocals. lne album opens ~vith a ("Love Me Do", "PS high school in 1969 and from university in 1973 meant that title track driven by a jan-like rhythm that grows on you You", .. Misery", .. Chaim", ul Saw llcr "my mu,ic "wa' th.n of the 60, and 70lt. Three of the fondest the more rimes you hear it and leave you wondering where as well .1s some 'overs {"Chains", "Boys", .. Bah) memoric, of my youth arc tied to rock and roll: watching the the album is going. "M ad;\m George" and "Cyprus Avenue" "Twist and Shout"). If you can find it (and thm Beatie~ on Ed Sulliv.1n, convincing my mother to buy me the are the destination~. \Vith "Astral \Vceks" rock and roU is versions of the origmaJ recordin~ you will 45rpm '>ingle tMp, and playing Dylan's Lik.~ a Rolling Stone reaching out to the personal and the sacred. what Be;ttlcnunia w.t., .ul ~•bout: simple love at a high school ci.Jnce. ·nle release of certain albums was clean melody lines followed by ;t major event for me and my fnends: Sgt. P~~r's; Are You \Vinchcster is one of my perfect ham1ony. Th1., is required Exf><·rimwlr; l.guitar in my band. • known toch~. But there were other defining albums, ones 1s simple and bare, with clever rh.u .uc not '0 well known. '!hey arc torgotten gems that lyrics that spin wonderful stories. 1 put on the tllmt.Jble a~.1in and again and again- until Robbie Robcrrson, the lead I knew the lyrics, melody lines, and harmonies backwards guitarist for The Band, produced and forwards. I still play them today when I want to raise the album and helped pro,ride the my spirits or touch .1 moment from my past. [ offer you five funky rhythm~ that percolate from forgotten gcml> fmm my hisrorv of rock and roll. Jesse Winchester one track to the next. r lighlights Jesse Winchester include ·'Yankee Lady", .. Snow", l have been a Kinks fan (Ampex: 1970) and "The Brand New Tennessee sine<: first playing "You've Walt-l". Two lines haunt me to thrs day: "Because love 1s Really Cor l\1e" and "A Well mainly just memories/ And C\'eryone's ~ot him a few." Edward} 1/arpham i1 till Respected Man" in my junior­ Assooau Prowst, a Pr~(mor of high garage band. "Arthur" For my dollar, this is the best Polittral SCim((, and thf D11-rrtor of thr Collrgwm V 1/onors Pro~ram 1s quintes-.ential Kink!.. Ra) that the B)Td<, had to offer, and at UTD. 1/r has tlmmud~t Davies\ combint."S witty social that's ~a\ing something. D.wid si:uablt ruord and CD rolleaion ~ntu..1~m with clear melod) Crosby (later of Ctoosb}, Srills, rn·tr tht )'ttlrs, onr thatnO'"JJ line~ and distinctively bawdy Na-.h and Young) wa.., fin.-d thrratrm the 1/ru(!ura/ The K1nks harmonics to nuke this album during production, and original intr~ily of his housr. II~ ir th; proudfathrr ofthrrr Arthur or the Decline a delight for repeated listenmg. b.md member Gene Clarke w.ts vfar/111 J(lllltll S, II ftndtr ond Fall of the British It rs on my i Pod tor the gym. brought back for a few wccb to Stratorostrr, and 11 Fmdrr Empire "VKtori,l~ and "Australia" arc work with Roger l\lcGuinn and Je/u.w ,,·uab amplifier. The Byrds (Repnse. 1969) hard rocking songs that get Chri., Hillrnan.1he overall sound The Notorious Byrd at your t(>Ot tapping. "Some of the album has been described Dismss this article Brothe rs B.!.!l/!." t d. rom! \ 1othcr's Son" and "Shangri La" arc -;oft gentle songs that (Columbia: 1968) as almost ethereal, with beautiful d1snrrb you once you rcahze what they arc all about. The harmonics interlaced With 20th l·entury was a difficult time for common men and experimental \.tudio eiTcct~. Two songs by Carole King .tnd women with their drc:Hlh uf wealth and security. God Gerry "Goffin, Coin' Back" and ~wasn't Born to Follow,. were Bbs the Kinks. anthems lor me as ;t young man. Electric Comedand P ROPOSAL SociAL CoMMENTARY rom the Hist ry of Rock a d Ro

Take a template of harmonic to have every one of their seven albums, but l'm choosing this discord exemplified by Nirvana mid-career ~ffering for its balance between those songs that arc and mix in large helpings of the bouncy little pokes in the eye ("You're No Rock and Roll Fun") R&B confessional styling of 70s and those that are more baroque and emotionally rcso~ant soul superstar A1 Green channeled ("Leave You Behind"). through the persona of Frank Sinatra at his most cynical and J will never listen to this album sinister. Early on the Whigs 'We.re in daylight. Not that Loveless lumped into the "Seattle sound" is a vampire or anything, but I by douglas c. dow category, but this set of songs, worry the glare of the sun would [email protected] Afghan Whigs ------Gent lemen which revolves around what we'll spoil the inward contemplative (Eiektra Records; 1993) do to fulfill our darker needs and mood that this album engenders. for me, has always been closely associated with desires, has a grittiness more akin Don't ask me to name individual 2Ct of searching. My parents were 60's generation to the blues or country than to grunge. Gmtkmm is one of the songs, or sing any of its lyrics: No boomers, but frankly they were nerds when it came few classics to emerge out of90s era alternative rock. Check out verse-chorus-verse pattern to be r• ;~~~u music-they preferred Johnny Mathis over the the album cover, n parody of Nan Goldin's photographs, funny My BloodyValentine found. Its also w1clear whether Stones. Growing up stuck in a small town just and disquieting at the same time. Loveless aU the vocals arc in English, but beyond the beckoning glow of Seattle (Creation Records: 1991) that's pretty irrelevant. l...tJwless with no older brothers or sisters and Sharp, austere, funky, and resembles a forty-eight-minute no internet, I was left to my own theoretical-what's not to love? tone poem, its dense layers of guitar and feedback warm and devices, experimenting, hunting, 'This post-punk band from Leeds sensuous. Don't think of it ac; soft, ethereal, or even particularly and shifting through the good is seriously smart, but they wear dreamy, though. Indeed, the lead guitarist Kevin Shields wrecked and the bad. I went to college in it tighdy with tales of modem his hearing as a result of the dangerously high decibel levels at Seattle in the years right before alienation and commodification. which the band played. Confession: I disliked this album when Nevermind so I'm up to my Nor many bands can claim it was first released because I thought it sounded like ··a pod of cars in the tribal sounds of influence by the dub reggae whales". Either I 'vas just wrong, or I've learned to love whales. the Northwest. My elementary productions of Lee "Scratch" education in classic rock and Gang of Four Perry, the krautrock minirnalism If you're like me, you wonder heavy metal· (the indigenous Entertainment! of Can, and the cultural critique from time to time what musical folk music of rural Washington (Wamer Brothers; 1979) of Antonio Grarnsci. "I Found territory Jirni Hendrix might State) gave way elective courses That Essence Rare" ranks with the have explored if he hadn't died. in rockabilly, doo-wop, garage rock, Ronnette's '"Be My Baby", Black Sabbath's "' Paranoid" and Buddy This third album by Funkndelic krautrock., reggae, new wave/no Holly's ''Rave On" as the best three minutes in rock. I brought suggests one possible answer. It wave, and soul. I would also Entertainment/with me when I traveled to Czechoslovakia four combines tight funk rhythms, audit jazz and baroque. Yet months after the fall of communism, and thi~ chronicle of our long psychedelic jams, hard rock music remains for me entr:lpment still feels like liberation to me. pyrotechnics, and gospel style all about sampling Funkadelic preaching. Figures of brotherly things on my oWn. At the time, they got too much Maggot Brain love hold hands with apocalyptic The idea of forgotten press just tor being an all women (Westbound Records; doom. While on later albums gems refers to those trio,butthar's not why they're great. 1971) George Clinton's over-the-top albums or bands that Like Husker Du a decade before, persona dornilfates, Maggot Brain belongs to lead guitarist were always great but Sleatcr-K.inney helped enrich the Eddie llazeL The tide track contains one of the grt.'atest guitar never really make it basic vocabulary of punk rock; solos this side of'"All Along the Watchtower". • firmly into the canon Funny, confidant, ffirty, vulnerable, of rock music. I sarcastic and confrontational-a Douglas C. Dow is a Clinital Associate Professor ofPolitical love following litany of emotional pitches from Science and Associate Director of Collegium I( For 'his framing as a political theorist, Dow amasud many hours in mosh pits, suggestions, and Sleater-Kinney song to song. Corin Tucker's yelps conducting empirical research 011 the stall! of nature. I it is now 1 hope my own All Hands on the Bad One refuse to be ignored, and Carrie the proud owner ofa permanml case oftinnitu s. prove fruitful. (Kill Ra<:k Stars; 2000) Brownstein reminds me of Pete Enjoy. Townsend circa 1966. You need Discuss this article at amputd.com! ARTS & LEISURE SUMMER 2 0 I I • VOLUME 7 • I SSUE 8 The enu

A delectably glorious in pita bread like a burrito). cross between the choose­ Then you choose from Mama Pita it-yourself customizatiou of a variety of dips including - 5800 Legacy Drive Subway and the authentic hummus (traditional, carrot, - In the Shops at Legacy, Mediterranean flavors of or beet) and tzatziki, a tangy south of Legacy D~ve semewhere much more and robust yogurt sauce. -I nexpensive,customizable expensive, Mama Pita is Mov~ on to your choice of Mediterranean food my favorite quick bite to eat salad blends, which include - Average Price: $7.00 After three years of eating the best of - among many competitors tabbouli, couscous, and a what Richardson and Plano have to offer, at the Shops at Legacy. You flavorful orzo blend. Next, it's finally time to say goodbye and thank begin your experience by choose from sides like a savory bean mix, rice,. and potatoes, you to my readers. choosing whether to have a and then choose chicken, steak, shrimp, falafel, grilled veggies, For my final review, I've decided to Platter (which comes with or-my usual-kafta, tender and moist kabob blend of lamb, do things a little differently. Instead of a meat or veggie entree, beef, parsley and onions. sticking to locations close to campus, two sides, two dips, and a Mama Pita's is fast, friendly, unique, and affordable. I'm always I've decided to visit such exotic locales as side salad), a Salad (which surprised I don't leave hungry after paying such a low price. If South Dallas and Addison to find some combines the above choices on top of a bed ofsalad blend), you're in the mood for Mediterranean, Mama Pita's price point of the best places in the DFW area. or- my favorite-the Pita Wrap (which wraps the Platrer and 15-minute drive are always worth it.

Bubba's Cooks Country -6617 Hillcrest Ave fish, Yucatan's specialty. I highly recommend the ... Tuckedamongpricieroptions - SW corner of Hillcrest garlic shredded beef and the tempura fish: Each around the swanky University and Rosedale bite of the tender and juicy beef bursts with flavor, Park neighborhood behind - Amazing fried chicken Despite and the tempura fish has just the right amount of SMU, Bubba's Cooks Country is and biscuits its humble crust and a cool, remarkably un-.fishy taste. an affordable choice if you want - Average Price: $6.00 name, the If there is one thing you have to try at Yucatan, some of the most tender and '---:------J Yucatan Taco though, it's the nachos. A mountain of thin, crispy juicy fried chicken in DFW chicken equally well. The sides Stand is anything but a cllips covered with avalanches of white queso, With the perfect balance of vary from day to day, but I taco stand. With a modern, slightly pretentious a light forest of lettuce mix, a snow cap of sour crust, meat, and flavoring, haven't found one I don't like. My interior design and a grand, beautiful bar,. cream, and guacamole-which doesn't lend itself this chicken would have personal favorites are the sweet Yucatan looks more like a to a mountain metaphor very had me hooked even if and smoky baked beans and the club. Nonetheless, it's still well. it hadn't come vvith hot, Soul-inspfred okra gumbo. Ifyou affordable Mexican food. Yucatan Taco Stand On top of great food, homemade biscuits ;j.nd a prefer seafood to chicken, there's Although you don't get the - 2809 Preston Rd. Yucatan also makes .great bottle of honey. nothing wrong with the fried gigantic plates typical of a - On the west side of Preston margaritas. From the classic Unlike some catfish, either. Tex-Mex restaurant, you do Road between Gaylord P kwy and Frozen Margarita, to the competitors, Bubba's does You'd be hard-pressed to find get great presentation and 121 refreshing Frozen Margarita bone-in and boneless a better restaurant per dollar high-quality ingredients - California style Mexican food Sangria Swirl, to the uniquely in this neighborhood. With with every choice. and great margartias sophisticated Strawberry ~:.::: individual and family- Most of the menu is -Average Price: $9.00 (without and Basil, you can't go sized combos, Bubba's can classic Mexican dishes: drinks) wrong with a Yucatan 1 fulfill every fried chicken tac'os, burritos, salads, and Margarita. It's great need. burrito bowls with your place to hang out in choice ofground beef, chicken, grilled veggie, pork, styje with friends or go on a date without chorizo, shrimp, garlic shredded beef, or tempura completely breaking the bank. A M ooesT PRoPOSAL ARTS & LE I SURE OUT-AND ABOUT

pancetta (iiber-fancy bacon), mozzarella, gorgonzola, and jahipenos. Split the small pizza with one friend or the large with two, and it's an affordable meal. Ifyou're more in the mood for a sweet snack, then split the Dessert Pizza, and you'll get a gooey crust topped with Nutella, fire-toasted marshmallows, Admittedly, Olivella's is one of the pricier options in the paper-thin pear slices, powdered sugar, and walnuts that come University Park area, but if you have a friend or two to share the together in sugary harmony. pizza with, then the cost is absolutely worth every penny (and True, the pizza at Olivella's may not be as filling as cheaper the drive). I have never had more exquisite pizza, with gourmet pizza, but one Fuel City Tacos toppings like pancetta, prosciutto--even trufll.e oil. . bite driz.rz;eled Olivella's - 801 South Riverfront Blvd True to Ncapoletan style, the pizzas arc super thin, floppy, with their - 3406 McFarlin Blvd - Look for the giant gas station where and drizzled with olive oil. It's hard to pick a favorite, but I h o memade - North side of McFarlin, just west -35£ crosses the Trinity River might have to choose the Pulcino e Porco. Though it literally spicy oil, and of Hillcrest - Cheap street tacos open, 24 Hrs translates to "Chicken and Pork", Olivella's translates it as "The you'llknowwhy - Authentic Napoletan-style pizza - Average Price: $1.40 per taco Dream"-a heavenly combination of grilled chicken, cured it's worth it. -Average Price: $15.00 per pizza ·•

Set your GPS or ask The Coogle for help on this one, because getting there can be tricky, but wow is it worth it. Fuel C ity is actually a If Firefly 'vere just any ginormous convenience store, but attached to it other sushi place, I'd still have Firefly is a tiny kitchen assembling as tounding street to recommend its fresh and - 14905 Midway Road tacos. These little bundles of heaven are so full delicious sushi rolls, ral).ging - W est side of Midway of flavor, your mouth will hate you for not Bo's Spud and Burger's name tells you everything you need from the usual Philadelphia Road, just south of Beltway introducing them sooner. To top it off, Fuel City to know: Except for a few side orders, Bo's menu pretty much and Spicy Tuna to the unique Road is open 24 hours, and the tacos are just $1.40 consists of varieties of baked potatoes and hamburgers. Since Dynamite Roll, which is - All-you-can-eat Sushi each. I found out abo!Jt Bo's only recently, 1 hliven't been able to try an entire California Roll -Average Price: $10.95 Choose between Barbacoa (steamed, a burger yet, but if they're half as good as their spuds, then tempura-fricd and topped shredded beef), Beef Fajita, Chicken Fajita, they're half-awesome. with a small piece of sashimi and a drop of wasabi mayo. Go in Pastor (spicy pork), or Picadillo (ground beef I've tried a couple varieties of the potatoes, and it seems for lunch between 11 a.m.- 2:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, or mixed with small pieces of potato). Better yet, that as long as you go with your tastes, you'll love it. Every any time on Sunday,for $10.95 all-you-can-eat Happy Hour, and get one· of each-they're cheap! All tacos come potato is fluffed with butter and then heaped with toppings. you'll see what makes Fuefiy an amazing deal! on soft tortillas (com or flour), topped willi I've tried the Ranch Spud, which is stuffed with ranch If you think $10.95 sounds a bit high, keep in mind that'you white onions and cilantro, with a lime wedge dressing, bacon bits, onions, chives, sour cream, cheddar, and can easily pay $8.00 for just one roll at other restaurants. You don't ana two flavors of hot sauce on the side. You hamburger meat, and the Chicken con 01leso, which is even have to love sushi, either. There are many probably won't need to use the lime or the hot topped with chicken, cheddar cheese sauce, sour cream, other items on the all-you-can-eat menu, such sauce, though, as every meat is seasoned and and jalapenos. Both ofthem were so drenched with flavor as fried and plain rice, salads, edamame, and my spiced to perfection, but they can enhance the I found myself eating the skins-something I never do. favorite, the Fuet Mignon BeefTeriyaki. Best of experience. The tacos are a bit on the small side, There are tons ofcom binations, including veggie options all, it's not a buffet--every dish, sushi or not, is but since they're so cheap, you can easily buy and some unusual ones, made to order, keeping it fresh and delicious. more to match your appetite. Bo's Spud and Burger like Beef Stroganoff, I haven't had much lu~k with Firefly's normal I wondered where this place has been hiding, - 12895 Josey Lane Cottage Cheese, and menu, so stick to the all-you-can-eat option. but it's actually" quite huge, well-lit, and fairly - On the south side o KoreanBBQ Also, keep in mind that Hrefiy's charges for popular. I really have no complaints other than Valley View, just west o Catering to every any sushi you leave behind in order to prevent that they only accept cash. For your money, this Josey Lane taste with a friendly over-ordering. So go in, order often-but order might just be the best choice in DFW. But it's - Gigantic, loaded baked ma-and-pa style, Bo's small-and have one of the best value sushi hard to say-I've only been searching out great potatoes is hard to dislike-but experiences of your life. • , places for three years. - Average Price: $5.50 it's probably best not to ask about the calories. Brady takes great pleasure from making you hungry while you read. Discuss this article at amf>ut. d.com! I6 ____~S~O~C~I~A~l~~OMMENTARY Tequila Twilight Is the sun setting on everyone's favorite Mexican liquor? . that we're more prepared to deal with such tequila, they couldn't. Mexico has the inter- important too. sobering issues as food shortages. nation exclusive right to the term "tequila", What we have here is the ever important Under Bush's subsidy policy, the U.S. be­ thereby ensuring that no other country can balancing act between national interests and gan buying up corn for ethanol production make extra. On the domestic side of the law, the global impact of those decisions. The and subsidizing corn grown for ethanol. Ba­ Mexico limits the production of Tequila to United States has so much purchasing power by ryan henry sically, the huge demand Bush's policy placed Jalisco, one of the western states of 1\tlexico, that any time we decide to buy something ryan. [email protected] on everything corn-related caused a huge with some limited production in Guanajua­ it wreaks havoc on the global commodities spike in the price of corn, sending it over to, Michoacan, Nayarit, and Tarnaulipas (it's market: 1be double whammy of subsidies that of agave. M exican agave farmers burned completely okay to have no idea where any of and import tariffs has made it extraordinarily 1n the wake of Mexican farmers' reaction out the~r usual crop in order to plant the sud­ those places are-just know it's an extremely difficult for international farmers to compete. to the 2006 Bush corn subsidies "Tequila denly more-profitable corn. small part of Mexico). Furthermore, blue Why should the least developed countries Makes Her Clothes Fall Off~ may become an As the agave farmers burned their crop, agave grows best in the red volcanic soil pres­ pay for our lack of foresight? More impor­ outdated reference like records and cassette Sr ring Breakers around the world wept. The ent in those particular regions of Mexico. tantly, why are we still clinging to a policy tape$. Those subsidies provided an incen­ ramifications of the burn will be felt for years As stated earlier, the ramifications of the that has largely failed? tive for supplementing US gasoline reserves to come, as blue agave, the type required for corn subsidies mn deeper than just Mexican The best (and least likely)solution would with biofuels (ethanol), made predominantly· tequila, is about as hardy a newborn baby agave farming. The shift in agriculture toward be to repeal these subsidies and let the price from corn; although the measure made the with a compromised immune system. Addi­ corn production for ethanol made corn and of com go back down: the corn price's de­ U.S. slightly less dependent on foreign oil, tional difficulty sterns from the fact that te­ other grains more scarce on the food market pression would be really bad for the recover­ the resulting boom in corn prices sent ripples quila is made froin the extracted sugars of a as farmers shifted production over to corn ing US economy. Another solution would be across the world market.1his poor policy has twelve.:year-old agave plant, so later, renewed for ethanol. 'The increased expense of corn to lower tariffs on corn and sugar (another exacerbated food crises overseas and caused attempts at tequila production won't corn to as a food source increased demand for other source of ethanol) corning from the least de­ many Mexican farmers to grow corn instead fmition for at least that long: When the grains. As a result, these corn subsidies have veloped countries: U.S. could thus mitigate of their traditional agave, the principle ingre­ farmers torched their crops, they were basi­ played a large role in the food crisis in Africa, the impact of these protective tariffs on those dient in tequila, everyone's favorite Hispanic cally saying that the money they would make as poorer countries cannot pay for the grain at or below the poverty level while still pro­ Uquor. on corn would be more than they would necessary to feed their people. By the way, tecting U.S. farmers. A more long-term solu­ In order to understand why these subsidies make on twelve years of tequila. the increased price of corn actually makes it tion is to find a form of energy that doesn't are bad, we need some mdimentary back­ To make matters even worse, it turns out more expensive to make ethanol than it is to convert farms into fuel. ground in economics and that even ifoth ­ buy oil. Unless we implement one of those solu ~ tequila. Let's start ers wanted The question that needs to be asked is tions, poor countries will be unable buy grain, with the booze so to grow this: Is all of this worth it? Is a U.S. that is .,and tequila shortages will change the way we agave for slightly less reliant (as evidenced by the ris­ party and forget our troubles. Perhaps it's ing gas prices any time there is any unrest time to find a new hobby. Might I suggest in the Middle East) on foreign oil worth Cuban cigars? • more than grain in Africa and tequila body shots off co-eds in Cancun? The answer is no-mostly because of the Africa thing, though tequila body shots are A MOD ES T PROPOSAL SociAL CoMMENTARY I7 Elemental Entropy 1he Earth is running out of technological_ingredients emental crisis". A few years ago, there was new sources. much concern about dwindling supplies of Galliwn and indium are in even worse ... purchasing a new both elemental helium and its cousin, he­ shape. 1hese two elements, in addition to lium-3. Beyond the profound impact on open being used in solar cells, are essential for the computer or television houses and birthday parties, helium is essential production of LCD flat panels. In 2002, the could potentially provide by peter elliott for cooling the magnets in MR1s, conducting price for gallium was $94 for a kilogram. 5 [email protected] nuclear fusion experiments, and construct­ years later, the price jumped to $1000 per ki­ indirect support for ing radiological weapon detectors for ports logram. We have gone beyond demand out­ and airports. But, according to a recent blog pacing supply. Armin Reller, a professor at warlords and genocide. The specter of the scarcity of oil looms post in Nature, this trend has been reversed by the University of Augsburg, predicts that the over anyone who has to fill up his or her strong centralized controls and cooperation earth •vill simply run out of these elements offering to trade in your laptops, solar-power car. The price of oil has skyrocketed as sup­ between scientific agencies and governments. within the next decade. calculators and old mix CDs for cold hard plies have dwindled. Finding more oil means Search for alternatives also yielded success Even more common elements are at risk. cash. Additionally, the lack of real recycling hurdling greater technical challenges, which when boron-based solutions were found for Zinc, used in such high tech applications as efforts means that huge stockpiles of these leads to disasters like the Deepwater Horizon radiological detectors. brass and pennies, is projected to disappear metals have been created in known locations. blowout. Environmentalists want to move to The helium crisis has abated for now, but arounp 2037. Landfill mining will be nasty and dangerous, alternative energy technologies, like wind and the upcoming elemental worries are much These elements carry their own political but also_absolutely necessary in the coming solar. But this move will create new shortages more worrisome. Tellurium, atomic number considerations. Cohan, a metal used to create years. But the incredible difficulty of extract­ in a number of crucial elements, potentially 52, is one of these scarce, essential elements. capacitors and resistors for all types of elec­ ing trace metals from consumer electronics resulting in a scenario where we use up all Tellurium is rare, occurring only 1 part per tronics, is found almost exclusively in Central will mean the price point for these elements of the earth's supply of these essential met­ billion in .. the earth's crust, and worldwide Mrica. This is the root of the issue called "con­ will be astronomical. ,als. There are potential solutions to abate the production tops out at just over 100 tons. Tel­ flict minerals.," where purchasing a new com­ Next, it stands to reason that if we can't problem, but. they are going to be difficult to lurium is used to create efficient solar panels puter or television could potentially .Provide find any more of these elements on earth, we implement, and their consequences will be and optical media. At this point, we have indirect support for warlo~ds and genocide. will have to go somewhere else to find them. difficult to live with. re~ched uPeak Tellurium," where increasing Clearly, these disappearing elements pose Private companies are driving down prices to This is not the first time \ve've'had an "el- demand has outstripped our ability to find a critical problem. These elements were cre­ ship things into space, meaning that space­ ated by nuclear fusion- in based mining is starting to become a viable stars billions of years ago, option. That said, the pace at which some of so we can't simply syn­ our more scarce elements are disappearing thesize more of them in means that we vvill almost certainly nm out a lab. Unfortunately, they of them before we can develop and deploy a are also not naturally re­ viable asteroid mining program. plenishing. There is no The issue of disappearing elements will eleventh hour, magic bul­ pose a serious problem in the very near fu­ let solution to create more ture. An unintended consequence of a switch of these metals. Once we to alternative energy will be the massively run out of these elements, increased demand for som·e very scarce ele­ we're boned. ments that will cause prices to skyrocket and The easiest solution is may lead to their complete disappcara~ce. We recycling. As the price of must implement recycling programs, start these metals climb, it be­ searching for alternative technologies, and comes economically fea­ realize that we may soon be living in a world sible to recycle old elec­ without tellurium. • tronics for their precious metals. In the coming years, we will likely see Peter i.r hoarding all tbe rare earth metals ads for shady companies to po·wer his secret unde-rgt·otmd lair. like. . "Cash4Tellurium," Discuss this article at amtmtd.comf. tion. Green light, and MAHHH ADRENALINE! PLEASE, Though Texas does not have a minimum passing distance law. OH PLEASE, DO NOT LETANY OF THOSE TWO TON it is usually safest if bikes are treated like cars and given plenty METAL BOULDERS CRASH INTO ME! of space. Bikes do not have to ride on adjacent bike paths; and Frantic prayer may not be enough. Following all the rules asking them to is analogous to big rig drivers telling passenger of traffic, as well as staying to ihe right side of the road, in­ cars to use roads parallel to the highway. by alice post dicating turns, and being as predictable as possible are all ac­ Yes, those lycra-clad hippies ask that cars pretend they have alice.a.post@~.2.a.i~.:~~~---·-- tions that help such protective prayers come true. It's a lot to a protective bubble. Since not everyone behind the wheel can think about, but hey, bikers enjoy lordjng this sort of higher­ accurately predict what bikers are going to do, allotting space level thinking over drivers every day of the week. Stopping at to a cyclist on the road keeps the pedal-pusher unharmed and The wheel is undeniably the best thing since before every stop sign and red light may seem like a terrible waste the paint on the car unchipped. To be fair, the highway is no; sliced bread, as evidenced by carts strategically placed be­ of momentum, but obeying traffic signs on the road is the one huge game ofbumper am (or at \east it's not supposdto hind horses and exercising hamsters. law, and the extra acceleration is much better training than be), so not hitting vehicles really shouldn't be a problem. For Texan~, it appears that the preferred implementation just rolling through the stops. So why are cars hitting cyc lists? Some of the problem ~ ofthc wheel involves a combustion engine and plenty of cargo Meanwhile, behind a nearby windshield a driver is mus­ that they are just smaller and less shiny than the common room. Long distance driving lends a sense of freedom and ing, Why is the tr~ffic so bad and where did all these peopl~ on t1.vo metal beast on the road and therefore harder to sec. So even independence that is unique to keeping hands at the wheel wheel.f come from?Also, ho1.v come that skinny bike rider gets an tpough fashionistas may bemoan the neon-colored jackets and and foot on the gas. entire lane to himself? He's going 12 on a 40 mph road and *groan* silver reflective tape, increasing the visibility of the cyclist kecos But wheeled freedom also comes in the form of the bi­ there is construction up ahead quadricycles and bicycles from crashing into each other. cycle. When riding, every mile is earned, and all aspects of the · It's true, cars are legally obligated not to hit bikes. ; .' 1t is up to the cyclist to make sure he or she is visible on bike\ movement are controlled directly .1nd without mystery. t~e road. lt is a legal requirement for bicycles on the road w r, ike many fiercely independent ' have front lights and rear reflectors or lights wh e~ groups that encroach on each other's '}./.,~·.> riding at night. Bright colors of clothing, thou~h territory, conflict and miscommunica- ' {'· ·,\. .. . u..-r-- completely at the discretion of the cyclist, can tion arise as resources (in this case, " · help drivers notice the studly cyclophile. 1he road space) become scarce. In order t·~i fashion police scorn helmet-hair, but the reai to share the road, a little bit of un- 1t ' · police can give a citation to a cycUst not demanding from those behind /C \ ·~ • wearing a helmet. both the steering wheel and the ~ "'· An understanding of both per· handlebars is required. · spectives will hopefully keep the 'llie National Highway streets free of mangled bikes and Traffic Safety Administration busted fenders. reports that in 2009 the number of So when all goes well, a pedalcyclist (yes, the official term is driver may smugly gaze down pedakycli.st) fatali.ties within. the from his air-conditioned US and Texas was 630 and 41 re­ truck and muse,. That guJ spectively. The iqdependent per- · must thin.k he looks really good sol'l".Jitics of these wheel operators in thou tight shorts. So·rry, you are clashing in a deadly fashion . ..r:.. ~. .: --..~ are no Lance Armstrong. Even with the known risks, And the cyclist will happily, it is easy for bikers to become and smugly thjnk, I have infinite complacent on the road and miltS to the gallon, a more acti'Ut view all cars as bullies. In lifestyle than two-thirds of tiN trut\1, riding atop two wheels population ... and what is that without a protective exoskeleton of guy laughing about? • steel and glass requires defensive cycling. A cyclist may be thinking, Pedal one, two, three, four... Alice ~s so careful that she has.n't I swear my bike knows exactly what l"m thinking. Oh dear, ~ hit n cyclist in weeks. . here comes that high-trciffic intersection followed by construe- Talk about road rage. illustracton by· jeffrey mirancfu · Discuss this article at amtl.utd .com! 4 f'~~~....L...... L.~--19 ,-" Potty Humo-r Throne .Testing and Commode Comparisons on Campus

Choosing your restroom/bathroom/water closet/toilet requires just a couple guidelines: 1. Avoid the ground floor: This logic is based in the idea that people don't like to climb stairs before vacating their bladders. Primary motives for visiting a higher class of commode include, but are not limited to, attending class, finding quiet places to study, and feeling a sense of superiority over people below .your feet. The traffic to these bathrooms is less heavy, and even veteran buildings like Green and Johnson can boast prime potty potential. 2. Pee where the important people do: The Student Union facilities are less than stellar over by the Comet Cafe and Pub, but if you go in search of the bathroom outside of the Student Government offices, then you'll be greeted by an ultra-sanitized, many-stalled wonder of a bathroom. The School ofl'v1anage­ ment, M cDermott Library, and Conference Center often host outside guests, and therefore qualify under this category as well.

Like a sculpture by Duchamp, each stall in the SLC reworks a fragmentation of the social isolation of postmodern industrialism into art- a glittering medley of porcelain and clear water playing off each other in the tight. The clarity of the mirrors engenders a clarity of mind: your solipsistic reverie will never replace the Levinasian ethics of gazing upon the face of the Other. O f course, the power of the aesthetic is reduced by the cartoonish iconogra­ phy on the "entrances", which rci:fies gender and separates eros from filia for the very hcteronormativc lives it enforces. To get over that as you leave the restroom, lose yourself in the ephemeral: 1hc dryers emit a strong gust of air with hints of Stravinsky, remixed with the rebellious spirit of late '90s grunge, jarring the viewer's expectations by actually drying your hands. By comparison, the SU was less impressive. Whenever I'm there it's full ofjani­ tors. I'm pretty sure they can see me, because I can see them, and can do nothing but freeze, as if I myself were a part of the sculpture.

Mastering commode etiquette can be a challenge. Above all, involving one­ self in any way with a stabbing or bathroom groping is ill-advised. For this reason, the bathrooms in ECS should be avoided. Second, while smartphones and tablets have made the dream of computing on the can a reality, one shouki be aware of one's surroundings and keep the watching of funny cat videos to a minimum. Additionally, while the walls of your stall may seem to present an unparalelled opportunity for artistic expression, political campaigning, or social networking, writing on them should be avoided due to its illegality and high likelyhood of revealing one's true scum bag nature. At the very Least, make sure you write someone else's phone number under the lewd suggestion. If you wish to learn more about the intricacies of modern restroom design and ettiquite, you should be sure to sign up for Comparative Comodes and ~onstitutions, PJSR 2108, offered this fall by EPPS. ME S Cross Word by chelsea and christina wolfe Uuvth<:b:usoont'oim.cc•m and cmw0()1~tdalbs.cdu

Across: Down: ].Mail 1 Macaroni or ravioli 5 Christina, come May 14 2 Water mammal 9Pains 3Maneuver 14 "__ - boy!" 4 Tweetyverb 15Ambience 5 Chatter 16 Shade ofpurple 6 Soiled 17 Brood (over) 7 Plural of67 Across 18Jessica of7th Heaven 8 Spanish surrealist 19 Frustrating computer message 9 Soul, in Paris 20 Incisors and canines 10Gold unit 22 Shaving alternative lllnjured 24 "Get from __" (progress) 12 Cooking oil, abbr. 25 Airport abbr. 13 Balkan native 26 Checks out 21Aid 28 Ctrl-_ -Del 23 Do a fall chore 30 Pleased 27lranian rapper 31 Eisenhower nickname 29 Light type (abbr.) 32 Murder Wrote 30 Grad school exam 35 Whippersnapper 31 IX- VI 38 Contended 32 Musial ofbaseball 39Beige 33Tortoise racer 40 Assistant 34 Finales 41 Hawaii necklace 35 Sour 42 _ off (deflect) 36 Riesling or Zinfandel 43 Gene material (abbr.) 37 Dutch cheese 44Boogers 38 Former soldier, for short 46 Act divisions 41 British toilet 48 President Pro 42 Scream director Craven 49 Titanic lead, familiarly 44Sneaky 50 Pitching stats 45 Necessity 51 The Science Guy 46 Mrs., south of the border 52 Finger sound 47 Keyboard lock Have a puzzle you want to 53 Rapper_ Def 50 Seduce see? Want to wnte vour own 56 Captain Hook's mate 51 BBS prefix crossword? 59 Fender bender evidence 52 Escargot Let us know. Send emails to: 61 Pile 53 Luigi's brother [email protected] k3 Wagner ofba seball 54 Pacific or Indian 65 Hideaway 55 Type ofboard 67 "Base times height" 56 Screw, in Britain 68 Oldsmobile model 57 "Holy-__! " 69Headbug 58 Cabinet dept. 70 Italian car manufacturer 60 32 Across, in Guadalajara n Greek sandwiches 62 US President 72 Brother ofStephen and Billy 64 Distress signal 73 Manner of speaking 66 VCR button M ODEST P ROPOSAL 21 6 4 8 5 4 6 3 1 2 5 3 7 Sudoku 8 3 5 6 9 6 1 2 9 2 1 Puzzles 7 6 5 9 5 2 5 9 7 2

AMP is not resporrsihhJrn- GPA loss due 9 1 3 9 4 3 to obsmive p uzzh solving; AMP takes creditfor in ~reawJ GPA due to obsessive 8 3 1 6 8 7 puzzle solvutg. Discuss these puzzles at 5 6 2 4 am,t>.utdallaudu! 4 1 7 8 Difficulty: Sparkler Capture ~ • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 9 3 2 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 3 4 1 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 8 2 7 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 4 6 7 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 4 6 1 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ' • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 3 6 5 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 5 8 2 6 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 8 9 7 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 11 7 2 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Difficulty: M -80 Capture is a two player game where the players take turns connecting dots that are horizontall,. or vertically adjacent. Ifa player completes a square by connecting two dots then they capture that square, putting their irutial in i:he captured square. You must draw another line after making a capture. A player may, thus, make a large number of captures in a single turn. Mter ~~~~ the last capture he must still connect two dots. The person who captures the most squares wins. THE MOST TRUSTED NEWS ON THE PLANET ~;:.. tJRANus summer2o11, ITS ALWAYS TWISTED AND GROSS IN URANUS

Baby Names Get Even Weirder turn at ands. AMERICA (AMP)., JUI across the nation, parents are uyirig harder ~d . harder to find names for their ldCls *ti~t promote "uniqueness". i'indftli~9~l.~ty~ ; ~ and something called "synergh.ifsti!::self defermimitude.'~ile . thf!!SEi Eiffo;ris mostly just succeed in set1ing their kids up to have tlte crap beaten out of them on the, playground, some remain undeterred, One proud father explained that his new· child, Taco. Pap Schmear, "has really quite a positive name ... there's the diversity/multi:.. cultural nod towards my favorite flavor of food, an emphasis on women's .health, and a bit about cream cheese.~~: .. President Obama releases all documents · AMERICA (AMP) - Having .finally had enough of constant sniping . about his potentially being a Kenyan born .Manchurian candidate, President Obama released ever;, single document tl'lat .has ever referenced.. him since childbirt;!l~ , .· Among these dOCuments ~ ,, hiS·' · by Tabben McOnnerscat handed person- what preparations should I make ~ elementary school report caidS, a comple,te Cat .About Town for hygene?- Grandmfti Garfield · map of his genetic sequenc~, fh~ track list of. .... LAS VEGAS (AMP) - It is once again time for This is always a difficult question for the his "Lazy Sunday Afternoon•:· ~¢0; ~d a series our yearly advice column for those of us with the feline inclined. A normal person can usually of unfinished short stories abo.ut'a team of rare condition of felinis manus, or 'cat hands'. just wash their hands, but a dinner party is young boys racing go-karts ~ct<>~~lu:nerica: ... We've read through the meowtains of questions no place to have wet pussy at arm's length. (;lritic:s: are already call~g ·~Per authenticity· ; ~.· and queries and picked out the best : Never fear! However:dirty their fur might get, of. ~lt¢'se documents, into · question~ U\91;19ll What is the best way to play a guitar with cat they'll always be able to lick it off. Despite the e:Y.e;r:yone admit~ tha~t Little Speecf p~J'ti9ils. hands?- Mr. Mistoffelees tendency to emit unusual odors, cat hands are be a tim~l~s~ .Classic when finiShf!.(;i~ .iir · Will With the constant yowling of your feline quite hygenic. Driver Spotted. EI\)C1Yil19 ~; digits, it is common for people to want to I'm a cat handed typist trying to get my words add musical accompaniment. We have found per minute up. Any suggestions?- Dr. Suess Music, Gets Really Em.barrased that tapirig guitar picks to the paws of your This is one of many axeas where cat hands RlCiiAJmS,Olf (AMP)~ A dr~r at the light of kitten mitts allows for a soothing, if arhythmic, are a distinct advantage over re$Julax hands. The Coit and Campbell was spotted air drurnrtring ' arpeggio. It should be noted, however, that affinity between cats, keyboaxds, computers, to whatever was playing o.V~rhis car ste:reo:.He ". / pianos the classic choice of instrwnent for cat and the internet is well known. Make sure you tried to play it off a.S nonchalantly tapping on. handed people. axe using a cat hands keyboard (available at his steering wheel when spotted.,ai:id~pent the How can 1 do a cat hand stand?- Liono your local Cats, Hands, and Beyond store), and rest of light pretending like he ~'¥~ ~ughing This is severly discouraged. Cat handed keep your hands away from the nip. so that his biUld was covering up fact that the people axe unable to perform most types of My cat hands are simultaneously in and not in he was still singing along. No orie was fooled ... gymnastics, as ·legs and paws of the cats will a box. How do 1 resolve this?- Schrodinger ''The air guitariitg. ntade him he look~ snap under the weight of a human being. Please The bad news is that your hands axe in an· was playing with himself," said the drive~ ~o . refrain from doing this, unless you wish to have indeterminate state between life and death. cars over, "Also, teli him to stop checkiri~j o.ut eight palsied and and contorted limbs hanging Before removing them, ensure that the cats the girls. in the car next to hin)i ~ and then act from your catpendages. aren't entagled with anything. • like he was just looking at tr~fi¢.V'{e: all know ...... what's going on there." • · · · I'm having a dinner party and inviting a cat GET URANUS DOWN AND HEAD TO THE (HOPPA! Summer 2011 URANUS

Catch him while you can. .. by D 'Brickashaw Cunningham Astheyoungrestrauntreviewerstruttedthrough Reviews the Reviewers campus, a mob of morbidly obese fans thundered after him. They were inunediately mistaken for a ALL AREA RESTAURANTS (AMP) - After four herd of buffalo, as calls of "stampede!" rang out golden years of some of the greatest food reviews through the campus mall. this generation will ever know, Brady Spenrath The new Italian restraurant "Itsa Gouda Pizza!" will be departing U'ID. This has left a horde of immediately closed when it heard about Brady's ravenous followers bemoaning the flight of their graduation. The owner, Mr. Mario Stereotypi, gastrolog1cal idol. commented "Witha outahisa restauranta reviewsa, The quality of his articles has been enough we hava no chance of staying ina business. Backa to inexplicably generate a posse of attractive to plumbing anda princess saving witha my women, who join him on jet setting adventures brother Luigi!" around the greater Richardson area to find One of the good things about his departure is worthy dining establishments. Always one to coin that on-campus food, especially what is served in a phrase, the debonaire author has begun to refer the dining hall, has already begun to taste better. to all of his fans/groupies as "The Brady Bunch." "I know it's still just as bad as it ever was," It remains unclear as to which ones are Jan and explained one student, "but without him Marsha, but the older gal is definitely Alice. reminding me what good food tastes like, I seem Since the Raconteur of the Restaraunts began to like it better." writing, there has been a noticable upswing The editors of A Modest Proposal, the parasitic in student weight. First Lady Michelle Obama growth on the back of Uranus, were despondent has already issued a statement condemning his when they learned ofBrady's departure, muttering contribution to the childhood obesity problem, that "there goes our only reliably good article saying "Mr. Spenrath's articles are so consistently every month." before weeping in the corner. One mouth watering, they are responsible for an of the campus' resident feral cats has. already average increase of 80 lbs per person in the submitted an application to take over "The Menu" Richardson area." and rename it "the Meownu." •