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Everyone’s Grumpy Under That Hill . . . and a River Runs Through It (written for the Swords & Dorkery Iron Chef Contest)

a gonzo monty haul railroad scenario with no rhyme or reason because that’s just the way I roll

by Matthew W. Schmeer

The list of TSR 1992 Series Collector Cards used to throw this thing together, with a summary of each card, appears at the end of this scenario.

This scenario assumes familiarity/access to irst edition The and the ability to convert monsters to whatever edition you happen to favor. An Internet connection is handy as well, as there are lots of linky‐links to follow for more (dubious) info; the links are highlighted in blue.

Scenario Background The river goes into the mountain. That’s never good. There’s rumors in the village about ten miles upstream about what’s in there—strange sounds, minor earthquakes, boulders that pick themselves off the ground, weird things, stuff of nightmares, etcetera, etcetera, but the locals would rather stay the hell away because hey, what you don’t know won’t kill you, right?

But you? No, you’re not afraid. You are a party of ADVENTURERS! You are no mere striplings, afraid of rumors and things that go bump in the night, because, after all, if it can make a bump in the night, then it has a body, and if it has a body, then it can bleed, and if it can bleed, then you can kill it and take its stuff. Maybe. If you are into that sort of thing.

But as luck would have it, you need to get out of town fast, and the fastest way of out town is by wa‐ ter.

So, you’re on a boat.

A boat headed into a mountain.

It sure looks dark in there. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com

The Map http://rendedpress.blogspot.com

Encounter Key

1. That ain’t no big black rock in the river. It’s an Astereater that misses its mommy. It’s sleeping right now, but if woken it will be very very hungry.

Also swimming around the river is a lonely Reaver (think Creature from the Black Lagoon), exiled from his school because he has a bad case of red pest. He’s befriended the Astereater. If the Aster‐ eater is attacked, the Reaver will come to its aid.

2. Move along, nothing to see here. There is a natural staircase here, leading up about 20 feet at a 35° angle.

3. The Reaver has stashed some stuff here. Not a lot of stuff, but some stuff—skulls, bones, a Crown of Souls, you know, just the regular stuff a Reaver would tuck away from its main nest for safekeep‐ ing. Oh, and there are 32 Animated Skeletons here, just waiting for you to disturb their sleep. Sorry I didn’t mention that sooner.

4. 17 Flail Snails are getting it on in here. It’s mating season, you know. Flail snail eggs line the loor, walls, and ceilings. Everything’s covered in a thin layer of milky mucus, too. And did I mention the smell? Oh, and lail snails in full rut will go after anything.

5. IT’S A TRAP! Seriously, this whole area is a trap.

Upon close examination of the loor and ceiling, many holes about the size of silver pieces and gold pieces (in the thousands on both) are clearly visible. There appears to be a large amount of treasure piled on the opposite end of the cavern, including a large, multi‐tiered wedding cake, on the top of which are little igures of an Xvart and a bugbear holding hands.

The irst person to step over the holes will set off the trap.

The holes on the loor will lift you into the air with a constant blast of air (up to 350 pounds). The holes in the ceiling will also blast air of the same force downward, sending you spinning and tum‐ bling in mid‐air. Anyone caught in the trap will get sick and suffer 6 points of damage after a number of rounds equal to your CON divided by 4 (round down). If you are in the trap more than 5 rounds, you will black out.

If a staff of considerable strength (magical, etc.) is shoved into the largest airlow hole, and a strength roll is successful, a loud grinding and rumbling noise will shake the cavern and the air low will immediately shut off. This must be done twice—once for the ceiling airlow, and one for the loor airlow. The person attempting to disarm the trap fails the strength check, that person will suf‐ fer d12 of damage.

If the ceiling airlow is stopped irst, the person in the trap will be forced to the ceiling, suffering 1d12 ramming damage. If the loor airlow is stopped irst, the trapped person will suffer 1d12 fal‐ ling damage.

The treasure is an an illusion. Except for the cake. The cake is real.

(This trap was shamelessly stolen from the October 4, 1991 edition of the Net Book of Traps).

6. The stairs are a natural staircase, sloping up 15 feet at a 25° angle. The stairs are covered in a thick, wet, mucus‐like ilm. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com

Amuro’s former warhorse is in the little pocket of area six, against the east wall parallell to the staircase entry. But it’s not a warhorse anymore. Somehow, the paladin’s mount has become a Nightmare, and buddy, it really does not like being in this cavern complex.

7. The rotting corpse of a Halling Warrior/Rogue is here. His leather armor (which looks curi‐ ously like a long coat) and gaudy clothing are rotting, his thieves tools are rusted, and his skull is crushed in. There’s a thin gold chain around his neck, tucked into what is left of his jerkin. On the end of the chain is a colorful little bauble that seems no more than a cheap carnival trinket. It looks Gnomish in origin, and it appears the jeweler’s name, D A R S I T M A K E G O, is inscribed on it in teeny‐tiny cursive letters.

In the pocket of the corpse are 35 silver pieces of various sizes depicting the bust of a goddess, a roll of papers of various colors featuring different drawings of the same goddess and other strange gods, and a business card for a chips shop in Kensington.

The bauble, by the way, is a Device of Time Journeying. Since the owner is now dead, inders, keepers (at least until the Ininity Knights get wind of it).

8. There’s a guy here. He’s bleeding, beaten, half dead. Maybe because there’s a friggin’ Dragon­ lance sticking out of his back. It’s a broken , only about a third of it left, but it’s a Dragonlance nonetheless.

Oh, right . . . the guy. Meet Garril Sotman, 2nd‐level Warrior, meatshield for Amuro, a 12th‐level Paladin (who isn’t here right now). Garril is dying, obviously. A down‐on‐his‐luck mercenary, Garrill was the only survivor of three near TPKs with three different outits before being hired by Amuro to be his lamp boy and gofer.

He’ll tell you his sad tale of woe before dying, of course.

He’ll explain that Amuro was sleeping in the boat when they entered the complex, and that he never saw what hit him and dragged him to shore. He claims when he came to, Amuro was missing and he had this massive pain in his side and this broken Dragonlance was sticking out of his McRibs.

He’s lying. In fact, the only reason he survived his last combat encounter before signing up with Amuro was because he made a deal. He was spared because he promised a mysterious woman in red that he’d deliver a paladin to this cave within sixteen moons. He was in a lot of pain when he made this deal. Kinda like he is now. But he still doesn’t know where the Dragonlance came from.

He’ll also mention something about Amuro’s warhorse being turned, but you know, that could just be the ravings of a dying mind.

In the far alcove of this area are what appears to be a row of six small frog statues. They are actually six Blindheims, and will attack if disturbed.

9. There’s a body here—what appears to be an female elven Warrior/Wizard/Priest or something. The body is too far gone to tell for sure. There’s no armor, and her clothing is rotting away, and there’s no purse to rile through. Still, there is a lail +2 against lail snails and what appears to be a nice looking spellbook bound in what appears to be green leather. But maybe it’s not a spellbook.

10. Flail snail shells litter this area. There are smashed clusters of lail snail eggs all over the walls, ceiling, and loor. The room shows evidence of a recent ire, too—black soot coats the walls, and the smell of roasted meat hangs heavy in the air. Other than that, this area is empty. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com

11. There is a natural staircase into this area, leading up about 20 feet at a 35° angle. The room is scattered with randomly scattered bones, leaves, sticks, and other trash. It looks like a safe place to rest. It isn’t.

If you rest here, there is a 75% chance that the bones scattered on the loor will resume shape as three Strahd’s Skeletal Steeds. And you are blocking their way out of the room. They’re on a mis‐ sion from Strahd, only they don’t know what the mission is, or where Strahd is, or, for that matter, who Strahd is (they are skeletal horses, after all).

One of the sticks in the room is actually the Staff of Magius. Well, technically, TWO sticks are actu‐ ally the Staff of Magius. Maybe you can ix it, maybe not.

12. A Quickwood blocks the path here. In fact there are two of them here—one blocking the en‐ trance, the other blocking the egress. Yeah, it’s not a forest, but hell, YOU try telling a Quickwood that a cave is no place for a Quickwood and see how far you get. Attacking one Quickwood will not trigger the other Quickwood to attack.

In between the Quickwoods, this room holds a lot of trash and debris. The air is stale and reeks of jasmine incense.

13. In this large, open cavern, the smell of jasmine is almost overpowering. In fact, it is so overpow‐ ering that the Berbalang that usually hangs out on the ceiling has returned to his body and and is heading out the way the you are coming in. The Berbalang is ticked at what’s now going on over in areas 14 & 15, which seems to have started at some point before he last left his body to lirt around the astral plane. At the same time, though, he really doesn’t want to interfere with a summoning ceremony, so he’s in no mood to be triled with.

14. This is a Grell pit. There’s a domesticated Grell here that will attack immediately if you get too close. Unless, of course, you’ve got something to appease his appetite. Oh, and down at the bottom of the pit, among the bones and offal, is a broad sword +3 and a small, locked chest containing 1,500gp. The lock is trapped with six poison needles.

If the chest is picked up, the vibrations will be felt by a Thoqqua (rockworm) that happens to also make the pit its home.

15. Before the altar in this cavern alcove, Atropos, an 11th‐level Enchanter, & Lachesis, a 15th‐ level Conjurer are in the middle of a ceremony here, are preparing the ritual sacriice of Amuro, a 12th‐level Paladin, in order to summon the minor god Yewhbobbobhew, Lord of Waters, King of Mirrors, Patriarch of the Most Profound.

Amuro also possesses Finder’s Stone, which he swallowed for safekeeping. If Atropos & Lachesis are successful in sacriicing Amuro, they’ll ind Finder’s Stone. If their ritual is successful, there is an 80% chance that Yewhbobbobhew will show up and demand Finder’s Stone, the Crown of Souls, and the Device of Time Journeying. If he’s given these things, he’ll grant one wish, which must be used immediately.

If you don’t have these things, he’ll send you on a quest to ind them. Take your time, he’ll just hang out near the altar and wait, playing the mandolin. If you complete the quest, he’ll give you back Finder’s Stone as a reward, saying that he was just holding it for insurance. Then he’ll split. Literally. It freaks people out when he does that.

If saved, Amuro will lay hands, cure wounds, cure disease, etc. Eventually, he’ll regurgitate or pass Finder’s Stone and everyone can teleport to happy‐happy land, or go back whence they came from, down the river without a paddle. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com

Also, those statues on either side of the altar? Yeah. Not statues, but Greater Stone Golems made of granite that will spring to life when trickles of blood reach their feet. Good luck with that.

On the altar are two smoldering, ive‐foot tall jasmine incense cones and a large collection of silver ritual items, worth a total of 2,000gp to the Church of Yewhbobbobhew.

So, to summarize: 1) Find the Crown of Souls and the Device of Time Journeying 2) Find Amuro 3) Stop the summoning ritual and/or save Amuro and/or defeat Atropos and Lachesis 4) If the summoning ritual was successful, deal with the summoned deity. 5) Happy happy joy joy.

The Cards AD&D 2e = AD&D Second Edition; DL = Dragonlance; FR = ; GA = Ad‐ ventures; R = ; SJ =

409. Finder’s Stone (FR) This artifact was destroyed in the inal battle against the evil god Moander. By holding this unique magical item and concentrating, any person could get it to emit a beacon on light indicating the quickest path to any object, Any member of Wyvernspur family could: peer into the stone to read knowledge stored within; cause the stone to cast an illusion of the bard Finder Wyvernspur, singing any of his songs; use the stone as a rechargeable wang, holding many spells, including detect magic, continual light, dispel magic, ly, tongues (permanent), and teleport.

410. Crown of Souls (R) The Crown of Souls was created by the necromancer Dagian, after which his soul became entrapped in it. As each member of Dagian’s family died, their souls were also entrapped, bolstering the power Dagian needed to escape. However, the Crown found its way into Ravenloft and the the demiplane further trapped Dagian by rendering his last descendant immortal (a wight). Now Dagian hopes eternally that someone will destroy the wight so that he might inally have his freedom. In the meanwhile, the Crown is possessed of some potent magical powers (detailed in RA1, Feast of Goblyns).

411. Time Journeying Device (DL) This device was created during the Age of Dreams. Since it is essential to the return of the person using it, it has several built‐in safeguards: anyone stealing it feels a strong revulsion and puts it back and, if lost, the device makes its way back to its owner by any means necessary. The device origi‐ nally only worked for one person, but it was changed to work with a 10'‐radius area of effect by a remarkable Krynn gnome named Gnimish.

To activate the device, a series of verses must be spoken while the device is manipulated (see Dragonlance Adventures, pp. 97–8).

412. Staff of Magius (DL) Magius was a wizard who aided Huma. His Staff eventually fell into Raistlin Majere’s hands. It can be used only by wizards. Any new owner immediately knows that it functions as a ring of protection +3, weapon +2 (1d8 damage), and can perform feather fall and continual light once per day. Prolonged use will reveal that, in the hands of a 6th‐ or higher level wizard, the Staff doubles the duration of spells that inluence light, air, and the mind. It also maintains spells that require concentration for http://rendedpress.blogspot.com one round after the wizard stops concentrating and adds 2 points of damage to every die of damage inlicted by a spell from the Staff’s owner.

413. Dragonlance (DL) The were irst created at the end of the early Dragon Wars. There are two types: mounted and footman’s. Both are made of the same silvery metal. The best dragonlances are forged using two artifacts: the Silver Arm of Ergoth and the Hammer of Kharas. Forging a lance with both of these artifacts adds a +4 to hit and damage to the weapon; using only one or the other affords only a +2 bonus to hit and damage.

414. Garril Stoman, 2nd­level Warrior (GA) Race: Human; AC 7, THAC0 18, MV 12, HP 12, AL CN; Equipment: Padded armor, shield, light cross‐ bow and quarrels.

Background: Garril is a down‐on‐his‐luck mercenary. He has signed on with three outits, each of which was wiped out in combat. Miraculously, Garril survived every time. Now, he has taken to drinking altogether too much. He wanders through the Shield Lands, looking for work, but rarely inds it. He is eager to please, but tends to look out for himself before others.

472. Warrior/Wizard/Priest (AD&D 2e) A blank card inviting you to create your own NPC.

471. Halling Warrior/Rogue (AD&D 2e) A blank card inviting you to create your own NPC.

578. Lachesis, 15th­level Conjurer (AD&D 2e) Race: Human, AC 8, THAC0 6, MV 12, HP 42, AL CG, Equipment: Medallion of ESP, wand of conjura­ tion.

Background: Lachesis’s Dexterity of 16 gives her an Armor Class bonus. She is not shy, and she tries to be the lashiest dresser in the room. Her favorite tactic in battle is to call up a curtain of blackness with her wand, use her medallion to locate her enemies, and take advantage of the situation as she sees it.

579. Atropos, 11th­level Enchanter (AD&D 2e) Race: , AC 10, THAC0 17, MV 12, HP 26, AL NE, Equipment: Staff of withering.

Background: Atropos’s great beauty and charming personality belie her evil tendencies. Her staff, however, leaves no doubt as to her alignment or her intentions towards those she dislikes. She al‐ ways attempts to make three strikes on each target, so as to damage, age, and wither them.

580. Amuro, 12th­level Paladin (GA) Race: Human, AC 0, THAC0 9, MV 6, HP 79, AL LG, Equipment: Full plate, helm, shield, broad sword +5, holy avenger.

Background: Amuro is part of a missionary team sent out by his church to establish new parishes in the outlands. His gem‐encrusted armor appeals to brash young men , who otherwise might never dream of serving in any spiritual capacity, but Amuro remains ignorant of this.

605. Quickwood (R) AC 5, THAC0 5–6 HD: 15; 7–8 HD: 13; 9–10 HD: 11, MV 1 (3 for roots), HD 5–10, Size L (12' +), Int Very (11–12), #AT 1d6 +12 and mouth, Dmg nil and 3‐12. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com

This tree appears to be an oak, although close inspection reveals that it has a visage that resembles a distorted human face. Its roots can seize victims up to 90' away and drag them to its maw. Plant‐ affecting spells work against quickwood, but most others do not.

606. Reaver (R) AC 4, THAC0 15, MV 6 (18 swimming), HD 4 +3, AL CE, Size M (7' tall), Int Low (5–7), #AT 3, Dmg 2‐ 12/2‐12/2‐8; special attacks: grapple.

Reavers live beneath the waves on Ravenloft’s western shore. If it hits successfully with both claws, a reaver grabs its victims and rakes him against its razor‐sharp scales for 1d6 points of damage on each successive round (roll 3d6 against the victim’s Str to break free).

608. Strahd’s Skeletal Steed (R) AC 7, THAC0 17, MV 18, HD 3 +1, AL N, Size L (8' tall), Int Non‐(0), #AT 3, DMg 1‐6/1‐6/1‐4; special attacks: noxious breath.

Strahd’s skeletal steeds are magically animated undead horses. They attack with forehooves and a bite. On the second round of combat, they can breath a 5' x 5' noxious cloud, requiring a successful save vs. breath weapon or be frozen for 2d4 rounds.

610. Nightmare (AD&D 2e) AC ‐4, THAC0 15, MV 15 [36(C) Flying], HD 6 +6, AL NE, Size L (6' at shoulder), Int Very (11–12), #AT 3, Dmg 5‐10/5‐10/2‐8; special attacks: burning hooves.

Nightmares are the servitor steeds of many lower planar creatures. They hate Material life. Night‐ mares have vicious fangs and burning hooves with which to attack opponents. The excitement of battle causes them to emit a noxious vapor cloud, forcing those within 10' to successfully save vs. paralyzation or suffer a ‐2 penalty on all attack and damage rolls.

611. Astereater (SJ) AC ‐2, THAC0 13, MV Flying 3(B), HD 8, AL LE, Size L (8'‐12' diameter), Int Low to Average (5–10), #AT 1, Dmg 2–8; special attacks: swallow whole.

Though technically a beholder‐kin, the astereater has none of the intelligence or magic of its cous‐ ins. When its eye and mouth are shut, it is impervious to almost all attacks. If its hit roll exceeds the number necessary to hit by 5, the astereater has swallowed its victim whole.

Notes Map by Tim Hartin, used under a Creative Commons Attribution­Noncommercial­Share Alike 2.5 Canada License.

This is a fan production made for other fans with no intent to commercially infringe upon the intel‐ lectual property of , its licensers, and/or its licensees. All trademarks and serv‐ ice marks mentioned in this document are used without permission and should not in any way, shape, or form suggest or indicate approval of said use by their respective owners. The text of all collector cards mentioned herein is copyrighted 1992 by TSR, Inc./Wizards of the Coast and is pro‐ vided here for informational purposes only.

In other words, please don’t sue me.