http://rendedpress.blogspot.com Everyone’s Grumpy Under That Hill . and a River Runs Through It (written for the Swords & Dorkery Iron Chef Contest) a gonzo monty haul railroad scenario with no rhyme or reason because that’s just the way I roll by Matthew W. Schmeer The list of TSR 1992 Series Collector Cards used to throw this thing together, with a summary of each card, appears at the end of this scenario. This scenario assumes familiarity/access to irst edition The Fiend Folio and the ability to convert monsters to whatever edition you happen to favor. An Internet connection is handy as well, as there are lots of linky‐links to follow for more (dubious) info; the links are highlighted in blue. Scenario Background The river goes into the mountain. That’s never good. There’s rumors in the village about ten miles upstream about what’s in there—strange sounds, minor earthquakes, boulders that pick themselves off the ground, weird things, stuff of nightmares, etcetera, etcetera, but the locals would rather stay the hell away because hey, what you don’t know won’t kill you, right? But you? No, you’re not afraid. You are a party of ADVENTURERS! You are no mere striplings, afraid of rumors and things that go bump in the night, because, after all, if it can make a bump in the night, then it has a body, and if it has a body, then it can bleed, and if it can bleed, then you can kill it and take its stuff. Maybe. If you are into that sort of thing. But as luck would have it, you need to get out of town fast, and the fastest way of out town is by wa‐ ter. So, you’re on a boat. A boat headed into a mountain. It sure looks dark in there. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com The Map http://rendedpress.blogspot.com Encounter Key 1. That ain’t no big black rock in the river. It’s an Astereater that misses its mommy. It’s sleeping right now, but if woken it will be very very hungry. Also swimming around the river is a lonely Reaver (think Creature from the Black Lagoon), exiled from his school because he has a bad case of red pest. He’s befriended the Astereater. If the Aster‐ eater is attacked, the Reaver will come to its aid. 2. Move along, nothing to see here. There is a natural staircase here, leading up about 20 feet at a 35° angle. 3. The Reaver has stashed some stuff here. Not a lot of stuff, but some stuff—skulls, bones, a Crown of Souls, you know, just the regular stuff a Reaver would tuck away from its main nest for safekeep‐ ing. Oh, and there are 32 Animated Skeletons here, just waiting for you to disturb their sleep. Sorry I didn’t mention that sooner. 4. 17 Flail Snails are getting it on in here. It’s mating season, you know. Flail snail eggs line the loor, walls, and ceilings. Everything’s covered in a thin layer of milky mucus, too. And did I mention the smell? Oh, and lail snails in full rut will go after anything. 5. IT’S A TRAP! Seriously, this whole area is a trap. Upon close examination of the loor and ceiling, many holes about the size of silver pieces and gold pieces (in the thousands on both) are clearly visible. There appears to be a large amount of treasure piled on the opposite end of the cavern, including a large, multi‐tiered wedding cake, on the top of which are little igures of an Xvart and a bugbear holding hands. The irst person to step over the holes will set off the trap. The holes on the loor will lift you into the air with a constant blast of air (up to 350 pounds). The holes in the ceiling will also blast air of the same force downward, sending you spinning and tum‐ bling in mid‐air. Anyone caught in the trap will get sick and suffer 6 points of damage after a number of rounds equal to your CON divided by 4 (round down). If you are in the trap more than 5 rounds, you will black out. If a staff of considerable strength (magical, etc.) is shoved into the largest airlow hole, and a strength roll is successful, a loud grinding and rumbling noise will shake the cavern and the air low will immediately shut off. This must be done twice—once for the ceiling airlow, and one for the loor airlow. The person attempting to disarm the trap fails the strength check, that person will suf‐ fer d12 of damage. If the ceiling airlow is stopped irst, the person in the trap will be forced to the ceiling, suffering 1d12 ramming damage. If the loor airlow is stopped irst, the trapped person will suffer 1d12 fal‐ ling damage. The treasure is an an illusion. Except for the cake. The cake is real. (This trap was shamelessly stolen from the October 4, 1991 edition of the Net Book of Traps). 6. The stairs are a natural staircase, sloping up 15 feet at a 25° angle. The stairs are covered in a thick, wet, mucus‐like ilm. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com Amuro’s former warhorse is in the little pocket of area six, against the east wall parallell to the staircase entry. But it’s not a warhorse anymore. Somehow, the paladin’s mount has become a Nightmare, and buddy, it really does not like being in this cavern complex. 7. The rotting corpse of a Halling Warrior/Rogue is here. His leather armor (which looks curi‐ ously like a long coat) and gaudy clothing are rotting, his thieves tools are rusted, and his skull is crushed in. There’s a thin gold chain around his neck, tucked into what is left of his jerkin. On the end of the chain is a colorful little bauble that seems no more than a cheap carnival trinket. It looks Gnomish in origin, and it appears the jeweler’s name, D A R S I T M A K E G O, is inscribed on it in teeny‐tiny cursive letters. In the pocket of the corpse are 35 silver pieces of various sizes depicting the bust of a goddess, a roll of papers of various colors featuring different drawings of the same goddess and other strange gods, and a business card for a chips shop in Kensington. The bauble, by the way, is a Device of Time Journeying. Since the owner is now dead, inders, keepers (at least until the Ininity Knights get wind of it). 8. There’s a guy here. He’s bleeding, beaten, half dead. Maybe because there’s a friggin’ Dragon­ lance sticking out of his back. It’s a broken Dragonlance, only about a third of it left, but it’s a Dragonlance nonetheless. Oh, right . the guy. Meet Garril Sotman, 2nd‐level Warrior, meatshield for Amuro, a 12th‐level Paladin (who isn’t here right now). Garril is dying, obviously. A down‐on‐his‐luck mercenary, Garrill was the only survivor of three near TPKs with three different outits before being hired by Amuro to be his lamp boy and gofer. He’ll tell you his sad tale of woe before dying, of course. He’ll explain that Amuro was sleeping in the boat when they entered the complex, and that he never saw what hit him and dragged him to shore. He claims when he came to, Amuro was missing and he had this massive pain in his side and this broken Dragonlance was sticking out of his McRibs. He’s lying. In fact, the only reason he survived his last combat encounter before signing up with Amuro was because he made a deal. He was spared because he promised a mysterious woman in red that he’d deliver a paladin to this cave within sixteen moons. He was in a lot of pain when he made this deal. Kinda like he is now. But he still doesn’t know where the Dragonlance came from. He’ll also mention something about Amuro’s warhorse being turned, but you know, that could just be the ravings of a dying mind. In the far alcove of this area are what appears to be a row of six small frog statues. They are actually six Blindheims, and will attack if disturbed. 9. There’s a body here—what appears to be an female elven Warrior/Wizard/Priest or something. The body is too far gone to tell for sure. There’s no armor, and her clothing is rotting away, and there’s no purse to rile through. Still, there is a lail +2 against lail snails and what appears to be a nice looking spellbook bound in what appears to be green leather. But maybe it’s not a spellbook. 10. Flail snail shells litter this area. There are smashed clusters of lail snail eggs all over the walls, ceiling, and loor. The room shows evidence of a recent ire, too—black soot coats the walls, and the smell of roasted meat hangs heavy in the air. Other than that, this area is empty. http://rendedpress.blogspot.com 11. There is a natural staircase into this area, leading up about 20 feet at a 35° angle. The room is scattered with randomly scattered bones, leaves, sticks, and other trash. It looks like a safe place to rest.