The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1056 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 1 MAY 2003 88p

COLOURS BALL: THE INFO The latest infor- mation on the Minister fails to respond to USSU sporting event of the year - the THE MINISTER FOR Lifelong Learning and BY PHILIP HOWARD AND Colours Ball- and Higher Education, Margaret Hodge, was RICHARD WATTS how you can get a criticised by students from local sixth form ticket for the big- colleges and sabbatical officers from the Toni Borneo, the gest event known University of Surrey Students’ Union for Education & Welfare to sports clubs at failing to respond to their questions in a Q & Officer at the University UniS | page 24 A session held at the Students’ Union during of Surrey Students’ the Easter holidays. Union, asked the minister STAG NIGHT CELEBRATIONS The session was arranged to allow how the government’s students to question the minister over the widening participation Ben Supper pre- government’s recent paper concerning aims could possibly pares for his best the future of higher education funding be consistent with the man’s speech in but yielded little in the way of clarity and content of the White the best possible served only to rile sixth-formers and student Paper. Mrs Hodge way by attending representatives looking for answers to replied: “I think you are the groom’s stag common student concerns. doing more damage to night amidst the Jennifer Hepp – an upper sixth student Widening Participation smokey nights from Kings College Guildford – said: than the government of London “She didn’t fully listen to our concerns and is,” following an earlier Town’s finer brushed them aside immediately.” Jonathan response in which the areas | page 7 Williams, also a student at Kings College, minister lambasted the said: “I came hoping to clarify the current NUS and sabbatical IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER situation regarding university fees and the officers for campaigning Above: Mar garet Hodge, the government Minister for Lifelong Learning and Higher Education, talking to students at USSU Photo: Paul Wright potential financial situation [I might face]; against fees and thus The federal statement of intent unfortunately, all she did was add to my “putting potential students off.” did not understand the true reality of The Students’ Unions of the Federal Uni- confusion and frustration.” Ms Borneo said: “ All that prospective the situation for current and prospective versity of Surrey signify their intent to help Responding to questions, Mrs Hodge students see is more debt which does nothing students,” a sentiment echoed by Toni with the colloboration News | page 3 outlined some of the reasoning behind the to raise their aspirations. It’s not fair to say Borneo: “Hodge’s PR tour achieved nothing. government’s decision to introduce top- that people like me are putting people off She spouted rehearsed statistics and didn’t What goes on at NUS conference? up fees in the next parliament and also University. I can see the point of studying hear the students’ genuine concern. It just Paul Wright provides a delegates perspec- highlighted the investment that higher but others need convincing. The campaign wasn’t convincing.” tive on what really goes on during those education can be to graduates, who can against top up fees isn’t about putting people • A press release issued by the Students’ four days in Blackpool News | page 5 expect to earn “£400k more than a non- off, it’s about getting them a better deal.” Union caused a bit of a flap amongst graduate over their lifetime.” When Vicky Wilsher, a student of Bishop University officials once it was discovered War at odds with religion questioned about the recent research Reindorp school, also failed to agree with it had been released immediately after the Responding to Graeme Philips’ article on published on bbc.co.uk stating that female the minister: “Her comment about current minister’s visit. The reason for the concern Iraq before the war, Abdul Saqib offers his graduates can expect never to pay back students discussing finance with potential was later revealed to be a worry that the point of view Opinion | page 8 their student loan, Mrs Hodge said it simply students and putting them off was wrong. critical press release might affect some aid “wasn’t true.” Her response to a similar Older students help us rather than put us that the minister had offered the University The fun and games of events situation concerning the earnings of arts off.” in recouping some funding UniS is yet to The ents planner for the next week and a graduates being less than school-leavers Chris Bailey – a student of Bishop Reindorp receive. The result of her help is not yet sneak preview of what is on at the Union with two A-levels was: “Oh – them.” – said of the minister’s visit: “I felt that she known. barefacts believes: page 6 over the summer semester | page 22 barearts and its Brixton residency With four gig reviews and plenty of time spent at Brixton Academy, barearts wonders UniS alert to Sars epidemic where its home is barearts | page 18 THE UNIVERSITY HAS started to take reason- Surrey Slingers record first win able precautions to ensure that campus www.ussu.co.uk/sars The Ultimate frisbee team of UniS win remains free of Sars during what many are their first tournament after just 18 months terming an ‘epidemic.’ Staff and student on the frisbee circuit Sport | page 24 members have expressed concern over the vulnerability of UniS to the syndrome and much information has been produced to try to increase awareness of symptoms of Sars in order to stop any infection. Information concerning symptoms and what to do if you suspect either yourself or a friend has Sars is available at www.ussu.co.uk and from the Students’ Union reception. Students wishing to book campus accom- modation to avoid returning home to a Sars-risk area must contact the accom- modation office by the 2nd May deadline. www.bbc.co.uk 2 NEWS 1 May 2003 Student nurses left to cope alone UniS big band win national final

NHS PATIENTS ARE being put at risk because BY RICHARD WATTS BY MARTYN HUMPHREYS University of Surrey Students’ Union and the student nurses are being left in sole charge School of Performing Arts, and will become of them, a survey suggests. The claim was complained they were given a placement UNIS BIG BAND walked away with the gold a full USSU Society from September. made by the Royal College of Nursing which did not involve any direct contact award at the BASBWE (British Association For any more information, and pictures of (RCN) after 1,000 student nurses were with patients - instead, they might be given of Symphonic Bands and Wind Ensembles)/ the event, please do not hesitate to contact questioned by the market research agency a workbook to complete. Boosey and Hawkes Concert Band Festival me by email, or on (07941) 151811. Mori for a survey published to mark the start RCN president Sylvia Denton said: National Finals in Manchester last Saturday, of the RCN’s annual conference. “Students on clinical placements should beating rivals from other universities, The survey found more than a third had never be left alone in charge of patients - music centres, and adult regional bands. been left in charge of patients in the absence it’s bad for patients and it’s simply wrong The band claimed the top marks possible of registered nurses and doctors and more to expect students to take responsibility in in every category, and received a glowing than a quarter of first year students said they this way. adjudication from the judges. had been left alone in charge of patients. “A serious lack of registered nurses to This accolade tops off a very successful Half of the student nurses questioned said support and guide students is endangering year for the band, who have performed they had considered leaving their course, patient care and short-changing these numerous gigs on and off campus. The with one in 10 doing so on a frequent basis, urgently needed new recruits to nursing. band will be performing for the Mayor of the main reasons for which being given as The government’s target of 80,000 more Guildford after Easter, and in Chancellors pressure and stress from work. Financial nurses by 2008 is ambitious. But we need to on campus on Sunday 25th May. problems were also raised by more than find new ways of supporting student nurses The Band is currently affiliated to both the a quarter of students but the vast majority right now. (89%) said they were still intending to work “Improving student nurses’ experiences of in the NHS when they had qualified. education has to be our top priority. This Students also complained it was often hard means increasing the number of clinical to find the placements they needed as part of placements, ensuring there are enough Recycling project hailed as a success their training, with 12% saying they had had registered nurses to mentor students, and placements cancelled. One in 10 a fairer system of funding for all student BY PETER BAILEY people in the future will not even have to nurses.” think about whether to recycle or not. Think A Department of Health spokeswoman said: THE TRIAL RECYCLING scheme which took of how raw sewage used to be pumped “Students should not be put in circumstances place in eight kitchens in Twyford court into rivers and the sea, and the horror with which compromise their learning or place has now come to an end. In all, 85kg of which this practice is now viewed. In future patients at risk. recyclables were collected in 8 weeks from generations, the same sort of views will be “However, indirect supervision is an 8 kitchens, with a landfill tax saving of £3 held about the mindlessness of throwing so entirely appropriate part of clinical learning and a value of the material collected being much rubbish into landfill sites! Now is the if the supervising registered nurse judges £2. The cost of the collection of materials time to sew the seeds of change. that the student has achieved a level of was £25. You can do your bit by taking bottles to knowledge and competence to carry out care This may not seem like a large saving, and the bottle banks outside Chancellors, and without risk to the patient.” from these figures it would appear that such your newspapers and cans to the banks a scheme would be economically unviable. in the park and ride car park, near to the However, if the scheme were extended university entrance next to University Court. to the whole campus for a whole year, a Alternatively, you can take your recyclables significant saving could be made on landfill to Tesco. tax, and the burden on the environment If you would like a grant to do your own that the university causes could be greatly project to promote recycling, or any other reduced. Widening the scheme to more than project beneficial to the environment, then just cans and plastic would also make a big contact the Young People’s Trust for the difference. Environment on 01483 452 951. The overall participation from students varied. Students in house H and one kitchen in house G gave a high level of participation, but those in house J and the rest in house G showed less or no support. Many prizes were given to the best kitchens as incentives to recycle, and numerous posters, designed to make people think about recycling, were displayed. This, however, was not enough to persuade more than half of the students to recycle. The frightening increase in the amount of waste being produced, coupled with fast NOTICES diminishing space for landfill, is clearly not an issue that students, and the general public Thurs 1st May - Women’s Football AGM for that matter, care enough about. - Varsity - 8pm So what can be done to make recycling Thurs 14th May - Equestrian AGM - happen? Well, changes will not occur Committee Room - 5pm quickly. However, the more awareness The world is flat raising projects there are such as the one Chemical Engineering AGM 6th May 1pm carried out, and the more the word is 43BC02 spread to people, the greater the demand for Societies Standing 6th May 6pm LTE recycling facilities will be. Of the students St John Ambulance AGM 6th May 8pm who answered a follow up questionnaire Teaching Block about the project, every one of them said Chemistry AGM13th May 1pm Grant that they would like to see recycling Mitchell Committee Room facilities throughout campus. Postgraduate Association AGM 14th May With an increase in demand for the facilities, 7.45pm Wates Bar recycling can become more economically Mountain Walking 21st May 1pm viable, and a part of every day life, so that Teaching Block 1 May 2003 NEWS 3 USSU and Roehampton put forward their federal vision

AT THE END of March, the University BY ANDY BLAIR of Surrey Students’ Union (USSU) and Roehampton Students’ Union (RSU) finally federally motivated course representative signed the much anticipated ‘Statement of system that can be employed at both Intent’ outlining both organisations’ future campuses. This will also be supplemented commitment to working in partnership. by the introduction of new materials in Signed by USSU President Paul Wright the communications and welfare remits of and his counterpart Chris O’Boyle at RSU, the two organisations to hopefully include the statement highlights areas in which the at least one joint publication, the creation two students’ unions can combine forces of some form of online community, to promote the relationship that UniS and information about each other in freshers Roehampton have and open opportunities material and production of joint materials for students at both sites to interact and delivering information on welfare issues benefit from some of the facilities and and campaigns. Also, both unions at projects available across the Federal their respective campuses will continue University. The signing was witnessed to undertake a movement towards the by the Vice Chancellor, Prof Dowling exploration of entrepreneurship within the - the Rector (Roehampton), Dr Porter and student community through FUSE. the Pro-Chancellor of the University of Year two (2004) has been highlighted to Above: the rector of the University of Surrey Roehampton, Dr Bernadette Porter and the Vice-Chancellor of UniS, Surrey & Chairman of Federal Standing include the development of relationships Professor Patrick Dowling look on as Paul Wright (r) and Chris O’Boyle (l) sign the Statement of Intent Committee, Mr Douglas Robertson. between sports clubs and societies between To date, the two organisations have the two institutions. Sports at Surrey is can be addressed and also the need for a Union House to house developing schemes had some noticeable successes including more highly developed, offering a range of jointly funded sabbatical officer by the and open plan offices/meeting points. the Federal Sports Day and the launch opportunities that are currently beyond the third year has been raised depending on the This area now houses the sabbaticals, the of FUSE (Federal University of Surrey facilities that RSU can offer. Collaboration successes of the collaboration to this point. DAVE project, Volunteering, the Welfare Entrepreneurs). The origination of the between the two on developing a link will be The three-year strategy will be published & Representation Unit, sports and socities statement came following a lengthy period coupled with the further interaction in areas in greater detail later this year, including and the Student Media Centre – along with of research funded by the Federal Innovation of welfare and volunteering as well as the additional information about the role that suite of UCS PC’s. Also Included in this Fund in 2002. Following agreement of the continuation of year 1 objectives. both Unions have to play in the integration development are hot desk facilities to allow statement by both universities, a timescale Year three (2005) will consider the longer- of postgraduate, mature, part-time and members of Roehampton Union to visit for how the unions will look to strategically term objectives that are underpinned international students within the developing Surrey and have an area to work and interact progress has been provisionally laid out and by years one and two. These are set to federal structure. USSU has taken steps to with projects, students and schemes in the is currently being formalised. include the issue of transportation between address the lack of space available for non- coming years. In year one (2003) the short term objectives the two campuses in connection with the commercial provision within the Students’ A full copy of the statement of intent are to be centred around implementing the development of any joint academic courses. Union and a redevelopment programme is downloadable from www.ussu.co.uk/ Students that undertake jointly taught took place creating a large open area within federation. courses are deemed to expect the same level of representation whether they are at the Surrey or Roehampton site, therefore welfare and representation systems are to be aligned in some areas, particularly the continuingwww.funkyberry.com development of the programme rep system. Also in this final year of the current thinking, the question of delivering entertainments open to both sets of students

Graduate debt rises again says survey

A SURVEY CARRIED out Barclays bank BY RICHARD WATTS released last month shows that graduates left university last year with average debts of of going to university rocket to £30,000 £10,997, an increase of 17% on the previous for a three-year course. A move that is in year. The majority of students now at direct conflict with the Government’s own university entered higher education after the widening participation agenda.” introduction of tuition fees and the abolition of the grant. Therefore they have had to take out larger loans to cover those costs. The National Union of Students is in dismayed but not surprised that debt levels have increased. NUS President, Mandy Telford, said: “Students are being forced to find more and more money just to keep their heads above water whilst at university. With every increase in graduate debt more and more SAFE potential from the most debt-averse sections of society are put off going to university. MANOEUVRES If this government is serious about trying to open up university to students from the poorest backgrounds it needs to take urgent measures to arrest the incessant increase in student and graduate debt. The proposals in the white paper to raise welcome to collinwood review :: p.11 tuition fees to £3,000 will see the cost 4 NEWS 1 May 2003 Students are un-safe according to Home Office statistics

EARLIER THIS Month the Home Office issued BY RICHARD WATTS statistics and advice on students as victims of crime. An estimated 60% of crime against but students should not be complacent. students goes unreported, according to the They should follow crime prevention advice figures, with 10% of students being burgled to avoid their student days being marred and 12% victims of theft. by crime”. The governments’ website A study covering 7 HEIs in the East www.good2besecure.co.uk to which the Midlands by the Home Office, covering minister was alluding has previously been both urban and suburban areas. Some 33% criticised by some for stereotyping students of students were victims of crime during the by including a ‘kebabathon’ flash game in past year, with 60% experienced by repeat which the user plays a drunk student trying victims. According to the report “Students to get home. felt most fearful of having their property • There have been several thefts from stolen on campus at night. They perceived students working in the Library recently. the least risk and were least fearful of all These have included laptops, purses, wallets forms of intimate partner violence.” and mobile phones. Everyone using the The Home Office subsequently issued a Library is reminded to keep their valuables press release advising VCs and ‘student with them at all times and report any leaders’ to give students more advice on suspicious behaviour to the Information how to avoid becoming a victim of crime. Desk on Level 1. Many of the thefts have Home Office Minister Bob Ainsworth said occurred when students have left their “Students can take simple steps to protect possessions to get something from another themselves and their property. Crime part of the Library or have gone to get some prevention work is already being done in food. Library users are reminded that the universities, but more needs to be done by general public has access to the building - students themselves and by those with an and that may include opportunistic thieves. interest in their well being to ensure we Library staff regularly patrol the building, tackle this problem. there is cctv surveillance, and there are “The Government is working closely with security detectors at the exit, but there universities and students organisation s to is still a need for all users to be vigilant. tackle crime, for example we have set up The Library is looking at ways to improve a new student crime reduction website. We security in its new entrance plans, and is have set up a new working party to help working closely with the Security Office address this issue and are planning two over these incidents, but in the meantime conferences to raise awareness and promote everyone should keep an eye on their ‘Campus Watch’ schemes. Crime is falling, valuables. Photo: Paul Wright USSU “one of top unions in the country” A survey of students’ unions undertaken by the Association of Managers of Students’ supervisors Unions (AMSU) has revealed that the University of Surrey Students’ Union (USSU) is currently one of the highest required performers throughout the country. The survey, carried out by Peacocks on £6.50 - £7 p/h :: 28th July - 8th August behalf of AMSU, has shown that catering at USSU recorded the 2nd largest net operating surplus during the financial year 2001/2 and that the entertainments FISH is an activity based scheme being run by Guildford department was the 3rd largest operation, Borough Council for children aged 10-16 this summer behind Salford and Manchester Universities. As a nightclub, USSU registered the 7th Activities include DJ & graffiti work- largest operation surplus and the gaming Above: Bob Anderson, the Students’ Union general machines – which have all recently shops, skiing, climbing, comedy and manager been replaced in the GameZone and much more Chancellor’s – generated the 11th biggest Mini trade fayre surplus. The bars, which are small THERE WILL BE a mini trade fayre in the main in comparison to many other Unions We are looking for reliable, enthusiastic, th stage area of the Union on Wednesday 7th throughout the country, came 26 . self motivated individuals to work as su- May 2003 taking place througout the day. The survey was completed by unions pervisors on the programme. Working throughout the country and represents Stalls will be held by NTL Residential - of closely with the professional facilitators interest to staff & students off campus - the a massive turnaround in the fortunes of USSU. Three years ago, the flagship mobile phone company Phones 4 u and also you will supervise children and help run bar Chancellor’s was some £40k in debt the Flight Centre. the activities. and the commercial aspect of the Union A competition of one sort or another will registered debts totalling much larger sums be held during the day, as well as various but now the Union has reserves nearing tour companies present to help you plan our a quarter of a million pounds and has If you think you have what it takes and you want two weeks summer vacation. Information concerning reduced its dependence on the commercial of action packed fun, then contact: Isic Cards will also be available, as well side of the Union with the development of Susan Kelland :: (01483) 444769 as the opportunity to buy phonecards and the student development schemes such as for more information. USSU clothing. DAVE and the V project. General manager For more information, please contact of USSU, Bob Anderson, said he was Jacqui Hollis: [email protected]. “delighted” with the results of the survey. 1 May 2003 NEWS 5 School students “put off by debt” says NUS

A RECENT SURVEY by the National Union of BY RICHARD WATTS and their families. It will be a great pity if Students has shown that 85% of students young people with high aspirations are put that would like to go to university would both attend university and earn about half a off university by rising fees and debt. NUS change their minds if they accumulated a million pounds more than someone who did is right to be concerned by the government’s debt of £20k on graduation. A third said not go to university. funding proposals.” they would not go to university if fees were Addressing the issues of student finance, NUS president Mandy Telford said: raised to £2000 a year, a figure that rises to the survey found that over 80% of pupils “According to our research fees and debt 60% if the fee was £5000. thought that studying at university is will deter the very students the government The results are published as the result expensive, though just under half believed wants to attract to university. It is extremely of a preliminary report commissioned that their living expenses would be under worrying that 85% of school children would by the NUS as part of their Funding the £100 a week. The annual NUS Costs of not go to university if the government goes Future campaign. 1000 year 10 students Study survey for 2002/3 in fact estimates ahead with its plans. in comprehensive schools were questioned that students spend an average of £159 a “If the government is genuinely committed before the publication of the government’s week outside of London, excluding tuition to opening up education then they must recent White Paper concerning university fees. remove the threat of top-up fees and debt. funding and the report will conclude with a Speaking on the report, co-author This research only consummate the fact that survey of the students’ parents. Judith Watson said: “This is the first under current proposals, less advantaged More than 90% of the pupils said that time independent research has been children will not have the same opportunities university would give them the skills they commissioned into the higher education of access as their richer counterparts.” could use in a job and over half expected to attitudes and aspirations of school children www.nusonline.co.uk

Telford re-elected NUS president 98% of UniS graduates employed

MANDY TELFORD WAS re-elected as NUS THE UNIVERSITY OF Surrey has once strength of the placement year within degree president at the annual conference held in produced an excellent result concerning the courses. Blackpool by a majority of just three votes. employment of graduates following their Dr Russ Clark, the head of the careers Following seven rounds of vote transfers, time studying at the University. service, said: “This is a good result in the Ms. Telford warded off Kat Fletcher by 429 Results from the annual First Destination light of the continuing recessive economic votes to 426. survey have shown that 2.3% of the UK- climate during which the survey was Following her victory, Ms Telford said: ““I domiciled undergraduate students with a conducted. am delighted that [the students] voted for me known destination were unemployed. The ““I am confident that our marginally higher once again. I am proud to stand for what I figure compares to 1.9% in the same survey unemployment figure will be mirrored believe in and now I will fight for it - for an last year and once again shows a strong by other institutions and [UniS] should, end to fees and the return of living grants. I showing from the University with regard to therefore, be at or near the top of the Photo: Paul Wright will also continue to fight bigotry and fight graduate employment, often attributed to the employability league tables once again.” the BNP on campuses across the UK.” The only way to find out about conference is to brave Blackpool and experience it first hand

NUS Conference is the sovereign body of the affiliation fee and taken whom this was their first the war I felt this was nothing more than the National Union of Students and the purely at face value by conference. They came with an emotive trick to gain support for the forum at which national policy is set for NUS. This conference voted the naive hope of discussing speaker’s opinion and therefore direct the the following year. This year on the agenda to reassess this position student issues and making voting. (or order paper) were four main areas of and independently audit it all the way through the All in all conference was, for me, an debate: NUS reform, higher education the figures supplied by agenda resulting in setting interesting experience. A lot of good came funding, student welfare and student unions to ensure that every policy for the coming year. out of it with the policies that have been activities. affiliated union is paying This view was quickly passed for the coming year, the bad was the Each of these areas consisted of a motion a fair fee as the majority dashed as the factions use of factions to drive through particular much like those seen at Student Council currently under quote both PAUL WRIGHT emerged, be they the political agendas. and a series of up to seven or eight to result in a lower fee. speaker in the Conservative And for the ugly? Well conference amendments that subtly altered the overall Conference also passed “I’m glad I went to t-shirt wishing for the wasn’t without controversy: one of the meaning of the complete motion. The somewhat controversial factions to stop slowing independently organised fringe meetings process was that the motion was introduced policy to campaign for conference, though it’s no the progress of conference managed to secure a talk by the former and then the first amendment was non-means tested grants great shame I’m ineligible or the Labour Students Israeli Prime Minister, Shimon Peres. discussed and voted upon. If it was passed (postured by the aptly to go next year.” pushing for their slate to The ugly aspect came through the protest then it became part of the substantive of named “Campaign for be elected to the National outside the venue whilst people were the final motion, if it fell then the whole Free Education” faction); Executive or the Socialist trying to get in. With armed police, sniffer amendment disappeared and conference somewhat of a u-turn on previous policy Worker Student Society (SWSS) visitors in dogs and airport style metal detectors the moved on to the next amendment until that was to campaign for grants for those the upper balcony directing the vote of all tension in the air was not helped in any all had been discussed. At this point the that needed it. Whilst this is a stronger those wearing “Red Army” t-shirts. Too way by the banner waving and verbal finished motion was discussed and put to ideological viewpoint I personally cannot many times I saw such delegates unsure abuse from pro-Palestine supporters the vote, all those ‘for’, all those ‘against’ see how this could ever come about. With of which way to vote hesitantly raise their towards people going into the talk. Even and anyone abstaining. this motion came talk of campaigning for arms looking round for confirmation. during the talk there were persistent Of these four the first two were discussed a more progressive tax system to fund These were sheep, not people voting with interruptions and shouts of “Murderer!” fully and the third was postponed to the such a system. This again is fine in theory their conscience. Either they were worried thereby showing absolutely no basic respect next meeting of National Council to be but when you consider that those who can of upsetting those running SWSS or too for the invited guest speaker regardless of completed. actually make those changes would be simple minded to make up their own minds political opinions. Finally this year conference acknowledged hit the most then you can see the uphill on how the thousand students they were I’m glad I went to conference this year, that affiliation fees have been a joke struggle facing the NUS. supposedly representing would wish to though I won’t be too sorry that I’m for too many years. The affiliation fee Some people applauded the factions, vote. ineligible to stand as a delegate next year. currently for a union is calculated on the saying that as a student representation Conference seemed unable to let go of the If you have an interest in how student number of students at that university and organisation politics should be at the war occurring in Iraq, at any opportunity politics work on a grand scale or see the value of the subvention granted by forefront of everything that the NUS do. speakers seemed determined to remind all what the NUS actually do then I would the university to the union. Both of these I believe that there was a silent majority present of the “illegal and immoral war”. recommend standing for conference figures are supplied by the union paying of delegates from apolitical unions for Regardless of my personal feelings on delegate next year. 6 OPINION 1 May 2003 The irrational fear of maths

THE NUMBER OF people their ‘But Why?’ hat find THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION who are frightened by the themselves falling behind. UNION HOUSE prospect of mathematics is It is then these students UNIVERSITY OF SURREY proportional to the number that form the majority of GUILDFORD GU2 7XH of students who ended their the mathematically fearful WWW.USSU.CO.UK mathematical experiences group mentioned earlier and at the very first opportunity, maths continues to suffer which is to say at GCSE. from a totally unnecessary We’ve heard all the rhetoric before For those who would count RICHARD WATTS bad image. themselves amongst that Is there a solution to this? group, proportional to is a According to Terry Bladen – and the arguments are running thin phrase that roughly signifies “To wonder how often people the president of the National employ mathematical concepts there is a clear relationship Association of Schoolmasters Government Ministers are, for the main part, £400k more over your working lifetime than after leaving school is to miss between the former and the point completely.” Union of Women Teachers intelligent people: the majority have gained a non-graduate” she cried, ignoring recent latter, though the scale of – maths should no longer be first class degrees from reputable institu- research results that show arts graduates earn their extents are different. a “main subject” at GCSE. tions, fulfilled generally successful careers less than those with 2 A-levels and that girls The above manifests itself in the general Speaking at a recent conference, he said: before moving into politics and made their will never pay back their debts, let alone the reaction to the statement “I am studying “I would always argue that pupils should be names through standing by what they be- remarks made dismissing that figure as ‘sim- maths at university” – a comment always numerate, with numeracy taught throughout lieve in having arrived at their conclusions plistic,’ ‘misleading’ and ‘obscure.’ greeted by the unqualifiable “Wow – you all the key stages, but numeracy can be by looking at the evidence presented to Reasonable students are not asking for a must be clever” reply. It would surely divorced from mathematics. them. These are the reasons they are elected free education - they are simply asking for never occur to anyone to label a student “How often do the majority of people need to represent their country. straight answers to questions and would like “thick” simply because they happen to or use mathematical concepts once they They are not elected, however, to be ob- to participate in finding a solution to the study psychology, for example, so why is it have left school?” stinate, peremptory and patronising to those crisis that is the result of years of neglect necessary to assume intelligence on behalf This is absolutely the wrong approach to they are supposed to represent. The Minis- from successive governments concerning of a maths student simply by the choice of adopt. It should surely not be the case that ter for Lifelong Learning and Higher Edu- the higher education funding system. their subject? we remove that which is difficult from the cation, Margaret Hodge, is all those things We shall not pretend that the role of gov- The key here is perception: the experience syllabus in order to accommodate those that and more if her performance at USSU is ernment Minister is an easy one to fulfil of mathematics for many people is not a struggle. In a similar fashion to the example anything to go by. - there are many different people with pri- pleasant one and many of the approaches of number above, all it would take to make Mrs Hodge’s cabinet position would sug- orities of their own to ensure that a politician that concern the teaching of mathematics, maths more approachable is to identify a gest that she respects higher education; in- can never please everyone - but to remain paradoxically, do not engage the subject in correlation between the concepts maths deed it is reasonable to assume she would be both ignorant to and dismissive of concerns a logical fashion. employs as a subject and the situations they only too happy to encourage people to fur- when presented with them, as was the case Take, for example, the abstraction that represent in the real world, beyond symbols ther their learning lives (in line, of course, with Mrs Hodge, is simply unacceptable is number: what does ‘8’ actually mean? and calculators. with the government’s widening participa- and, unfortunately, seemingly typical of the By itself, it means nothing – it is just a That he wonders how often people employ tion target). Talking to students from local government’s approach to higher education symbol and thus can only exist if applied to mathematical concepts after leaving school sixth forms, however, she simply refused to funding and their own White Paper. something countable. Thus ‘8 apples’ or ‘0 is to miss the point completely. address the specific issue of how these stu- That the two individuals charged with sell- weapons of mass destruction.’ In order to I was very fortunate to have a maths dents can expect to attend university without ing the government’s funding proposals to teach primary school children the abstract teacher that could divorce the abstraction of burdening themselves with an unreasonable the public are not willing to listen to what concept of number, therefore, they are A-level maths from the real-world in which amount of debt or give clear, respectful people say is simply incomprehensible and taught to count objects and only then do they number, letter and symbol underpin every responses to articulate, pertinent questions. certainly not what this paper would expect start learning to add or multiply numbers as piece of technology, every moving object Instead, she covered the old ground and of any individual, let alone a government opposed to the objects they count. and indeed the physical world as we know government rhetoric reserved especially for Minister. It surely isn’t that hard to answer a At some point up the compulsory education it. That Mr Bladen is a maths teacher raises occasions on which ministers meet civilians question. Unless the questions are the ones ladder, however, this idea of linking the concerns not only for the students that he face to face. you don’t want to be asked, such as “how abstract concepts of mathematics to what teaches but also for the approach to teaching “Why shouldn’t students go into debt?” she can the target of 50% of 18-30 year olds they can actually represent gets hidden maths throughout this mathematically- asked incredulously, amazed that she was have a higher education experience when behind x, y and all manner of funny symbols daunted education system and those that being asked the question. “Who should pay the government refuses to rule out charging to such an extent that it is no wonder pass through it. for education if not students?” she inquired, fees for courses?” students who are not willing to put aside [email protected] forgetting she is the one that is supposed to We are still waiting for an answer, and provide the answer to that particular ques- £400k extra earnings over a working life- tion. “It’s an investment and you’ll earn time is not a reasonable response. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters Are you aware of the Sars facts? may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected] Dear barefacts, each of the Vice Chancellor, the Chief It is often easy to dismiss crises abroad, but that cases can rapidly spread around the Re: ‘Lights, Camera, Action’ letter, Superintendent of Guildford, the Chief the Sars is truly a case that could affect us world and with a proportion of our students barefacts 1056 Executives of Guildford Borough Council here at the University of Surrey. There are returning to their homes for the holidays in Mike Chambers claims that there is enough and Surrey County Council and particularly plenty of resources available in order to be- high risk areas, it is important that we are all money in the Council’s budget to cover the the Liberal Democrats in Onslow and come better acquainted with the facts about vigilant during the period after these vaca- costs of a subway improvement scheme. Westborough. Sars and in particular the symptoms of the tions. What he fails to mention is that this money Thanks go to Toni Borneo and her colleagues deadly syndrome. • fever above 38° • short breath is to be spent over the next three years, and who have been proactive in working The symptoms of Sars are similar to that of • breathing problem • appetite loss was allocated for general improvements to towards a solution, including approaching the common cold and of flu: they are listed • headache • lethargy subways across the whole of Guildford. It Sue Doughty, MP for Guildford, who has on the right. The incubation period is be- • chills • confusion will do little to help with the acute problem prioritised the issue. Guildford Liberal lieved to be short, around 3-6 days but the • muscular pains • rashes we have in the University area, since only Democrats recognise that sharing the cost of speed of international travel creates a risk • coughing • diarrhoea £1000 is available in the coming year. a scheme between the University, the Police Liberal Democrats want to resolve this issue and the Councils will bring a much faster - not score political points by voting for a solution to this problem. scheme which will not solve the problem. We want action now, not in 2004. THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK Mike Chambers really should keep up Regards, at the back. If he had, he would know CLLRS. STEVE FREEMAN, TONY PHILLIPS AND “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” that improvements to pedestrian safety LYNDA STRUDWICK JOHANN VON GOETHE (1749 – 1832) are regarded as a matter of urgency by ONSLOW LIBERAL DEMOCRATS 1 May 2003 OPINION 7

I HAVE NO idea what this issue of barefacts steered. We must have been drunk. Yes, is going to contain, but after the events of it opened my eyes, but I shut them really the last six weeks, I predict that what there tight again. The stage was at eye level. The is will be generously smattered with war- performers were naked. They squatted low. related opinions. Everybody has one, and What did I learn? That one fuzzy crotch everybody is embarrassed about how much being waved in your face looks very much their own opinion has had to change since like any other. That even a professional George Bush went on television in March to stripper may only bother to dye half of explain that he didn’t care what the United herself blonde. That pole dancers move Nations thought, and consequently that with all the conviction and sensuality of nobody would ever again. animatronic waxworks. That women are Well, sod him. Whatever your views, I’ll about as erotic as a case of threadworm if wager that the last thing you want to read you can’t interact with them unless it’s to about is more war. Call it intuition, but I insert ten pounds into a lacy garter belt. think you’d like to read about something I spent most of our expensive hour fluffy and parochial to take your mind off there dodging blinking lights in the war and politics and George Galloway and tiny auditorium to read a novel which I everything. So, this week I shall distract Second-hand morals had brought for the train journey. This you from the self-absorbing, all-too-human happened to arouse the curiosity of a wide, monotony of evil versus counter-evil, and I long-haired, grinning man sitting next to won’t even mention the war again. Having found out he was to be best man at his best me. He immediately assumed that I was This may just be a personal observation, but friend’s wedding, Ben Supper’s mind turned reading only because I was petrified and it’s the season for weddings. I’ve reached an offended by the entertainment around me. age, two or three years after graduation, immediately to the traditional speech. On He quoted famous people. He exuded when some of the more eligible women that platitudes. I realised I had stumbled upon I once knew have now declared themselves reflection, a moment’s thought to the stag night might the strip bar philosopher. I asked, ‘What’s permanently, and in the sight of God, to be a philosopher like you doing in a Soho strip way out of my league. Last year I went to have been more beneficial bar at 12.30am?’ ‘Well, I suppose this is a two weddings, and so far this year, I’ve been kind of philosophy ...’ and so continued our to another two. In the latest of these my role Blimey.’ Sit down, get congratulated, get ad-lib, every witticism, every vowel, every conversation. After a couple of minutes of was rather different. I implore you to keep drunk, dance badly. inflection, every split infinitive. My fears needle-sharp rhetoric, he stopped talking reading this, lest you ever end up a victim or It was my duty to make the best possible were groundless. It wasn’t Keats; it wasn’t and left me to my paperback. a perpetrator. account of my friend Michael in this way. even Cleese; nevertheless, they laughed and The next two shows were identical in Now, the best man’s speech is a celebrated For years, Michael has overshadowed me clapped in the right places. It went well. everything but woman and soundtrack, and tradition, and an intractible part of the with his superior confidence, his superior Anyway, that’s beside the point. A couple the one after them didn’t look like it would wedding ceremony. It is as necessary as the salaries, and the overwhelming quantity of of weekends before all of this, we threw be any different, so we retired to the bar. elderly parishioner who complains about women he’s managed to get entangled with Michael’s stag party in London. If you’re The lone fortysomething in half a suit was the mess all the confetti is going to make of who have messed him up and, in the process, planning to spend a Saturday night out in there. The happy young heterosexual couple the churchyard. In other words, a wedding have been messed up themselves. London, there’s just one thing you need to were there, too. Three closely cropped men wouldn’t be a wedding without it. Michael is a great friend. He’s pretended know: you must choose between sobriety in pastel-coloured designer shirts clustered The speech is usually delivered thus: ‘The not to notice my envious glances in his and poverty. That was easy in my case. At a around a small table, talking loudly in bride looks beautiful. Where’s my snog, direction. For at least eight years, I’ve had stag night, sobriety is out of the question. estuary English about nothing interesting. then?’ Pause for laughter, get none, look to be content with second-hand knowledge I don’t remember swallowing mouthfuls The only character missing was the bloke in around, slightly embarrassed. ‘Thanks to of all the valuable post-adolescent sexual of precious jewels, or smashing Faberge the anorak who really likes trains. I suppose X, Y, Z and Alpha for organising this gig. morals that Michael has been able to learn eggs to pieces with a claw hammer. I don’t that could have been me. Terrific. Best wedding I’ve ever been to. directly. Nonetheless, I like him and trust remember buying a professional football A stripper caught my eye through the Let’s hope your next one is just as good, him, and he likes me and trusts me. That is team. I don’t even remember having my glazed door. It would have been impolite to mate.’ Nudge the groom, pause for laughter, the definition of friends. So, last January I wallet and my PIN number elicited from stare, and impolite to look away. Uncertain get none. ‘Seriously, folks. It’s not my show said to him, ‘Best man? Of course I will. It’ll me by a huge man with a motorcycle chain. about strip club etiquette, I mouthed ‘Good though, it’s his.’ Nudge the groom again. be a great honour.’ As soon as the words had However, if all of these events had happened evening’ at her. She looked away. I helped to ‘Hey, but you’ve been around a bit, though, escaped my lips, I felt like a huge twit. that evening, it might explain how I could prop up the groom-to-be who was standing haven’t you?’ Smack the groom playfully That said, I did feel honoured. It was also the have nothing but a two-course meal and four next to me. He was open-mouthed: half on the head. Rictus grin. ‘Ho ho ho. Well, hardest thing I’ve had to do for a very long drinks, but wake up the following morning leering, half because he was uncertain about charge your glasses and be upstanding, time. I delivered my appetite-ruining speech with the debt of a Third World country on what to do with most of his face. We finished everybody. Who writes this bollocks? Ha to a room full of after-dinner speakers, most my hands. our drinks and returned to the theatre, sitting ha. Really, another drink wouldn’t go amiss. of whom were from the bride’s side of the So, of course, could a certain Performance down with him to watch the last twenty To the bride and groom. Cheers. Thanks family. I feared they would judge every Theatre to which we were all inexorably continued on page 9 8 OPINION 1 May 2003 Freedom and the Qura’n, but what about war with Iraq?

Responding to an article that appeared before the Easter break, Abdul Saqib discusses some religious issues concerning the war with Iraq and reveals his thoughts on people reacting to world events (right)

AN ARTICLE FROM a respectable fellow in anti war protests. In fact UniS (or any with the headline “Why I am not against other uni) students are mature enough to the idea of war with Iraq” - which know what they should do. Everyone appeared in the last edition of barefacts who took part in those protests was - has inspired me to write a few lines on there due to the feelings which I have that topic. By this, I don’t mean that I am described above. I am a UniS student. writing in opposition to the article – the I admit that I did not go to the famous author expressed some genuine points London Protest but I know a person who concerning the international relations is beyond his student life who went there aspects of the conflict that might be having travelled 40-50 miles! In fact of interest more to those studying the ratio of students to non-students in international relations and politics. This these demonstrations must be consistent article is intended to rectify some of his with their proportion in the population. points concerning religion. Everyone there had a clear idea in his Before talking about the religion, I, mind: “we want a war-free globe”. advocating the common people, want to While discussing the Gulf countries, the clarify that we believe all matters could writer pointed to the verse 4:89 of Qura’n. Christians, Jews, Hindus or of belonging it is its (economic) region not religion be resolved avoiding wars which create I have to say with heavy heart that such to any other religion (or even agnostic!). which best describes it. more destruction than “(re)construction”. blind references create more difficulty in Perhaps not a single one. Many millions My final words I leave to comment about We don’t favor the Iraqi regime or Iraqi uniting the people. Non-Muslims would of Muslims are living in countries like the ‘large crowd’ of Muslims witnessed dictatorship - we just want for ourselves think (mostly not finding enough time to UK and USA which have complete (not by the writer) celebrating on campus and for our next generations a war-free go for the actual verses) that perhaps it freedom of religion, but, we can’t see any after the 11/9 incident. Although the world. We want the UN to be strong is a religion without freedom of mind. signs of en mass revertation from Islam. writer mentions that he has heavy heart enough to create war-free solutions for The verse 4:89 does not talk about the Instead perhaps the number of people writing such statements, in my opinion, all matters. When I say ‘we’, I do not revertants (people leaving the Islam). coming to Islam is rising everywhere. he should have avoided reporting such include the governments: governmental When this verse was revealed to the Reference is then made to some Islamic incidence which are not witnessed by policies are more bureaucratic and often Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), the city countries who might be refusing war on himself. Even if it was so, what was the not reflecting well of the opinion of the Madina was a Muslim state, Madina (the Iraq on the basis of Qura’n’s instructions. number of those large crowds: 3 maybe 4 masses. This is because of the fact that city/region governed by Muhammad) This is a misguided thought. Perhaps no or more! Well, let us suppose there were true democracy does not exist anywhere. was a Muslim state. There were some (Islamic) country is doing so on this some ill minded people celebrating, We can hardly find a government which people (called ‘Munafeqeen’ in Arabic) basis, because Qura’n never asks to then it is no more than the celebrations is ‘of the people, for the people and by in the City who were spying for the support cruel regimes. Instead it says of a Downs Syndrome person clapping the people’. enemies trying to attack and demolish that if you find a state doing cruelties and dancing upon seeing even his own The author of the previous article talks Madina. We can find the same rule in you all should try jointly stopping it. house on fire: one might fear of some about the university students taking part today’s World: no country allows any of This is also the basis of the UN, which ‘madness’ from them, but I think that its citizens to spy for there enemies. unfortunately in this case, has not been the realistic approach is to look at the “Perhaps no Islamic It is then proposed that a freedom utilised as it should be. statistical data and not to worry more of religion would mean an en mass The writer uses the term ‘Islamic about less important issues – a sentiment country is opposing revertation from Islam. Here instead of countries’. This usage is not unique that could be applied to many cases presenting an argument myself, I would to him, and is a common practice. We before acting. like to mention the author’s own point. should abandon this practice. I would war on the basis of the He believes ‘UAE’ has a complete like to say that in fact no country is Editor’s note: this article was written freedom of religion: can the respectable Islamic, Christian, Buddhist etc. No ruler before the Easter break and although Qura’n’s instructions. To writer provide the number of people in whether he is Christian, Muslim or else the events of the last five weeks have UAE who have reverted from Islam? is taking guidance from religion. The made it less current, it is still a relevent think otherwise could Suppose there is a certain number -how only driving force is the economics. In topic and one that was felt best included many of them has started writing as or fact when we look at the political, human as part of the gathering opinion on the be seen as misguided.” even thinking of themselves as rights or any other situation of a country Iraq conflict within barefacts’ pages.

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? 2002 - 2003 The views expressed within the paper are those of individual If you have a complaint about any item in this authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, editor in chief | richard watts [[email protected]] Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about University of Surrey. it. editor film editors This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, If you remain dissatisfied please contact the sarah butterworth [[email protected]] stewart fudge [[email protected]] stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express Press Complaints Commission - an independant deputy editor jolyon hunter [[email protected]] permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide position vacant photography editor All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. by their decision. news editor chris hunter [[email protected]] philip howard [[email protected]] literature editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editors chris ward [[email protected]] 1 Salisbury Square alex read [[email protected] sports editor barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB simon robinson [[email protected]] eddison ruswa [[email protected]] Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor lifestyle editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 rachael bemrose [[email protected]] morgan gooch [[email protected]] WWW.USSU.CO.UK Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 1 May 2003 VOLUNTEERING 9 Golden Oldies dance away the years with the V project’s jazz dance

The volunteering project continues to provide opportunities to help out in the local community. V coordinator Alli Cummings reviews the last A-team event and gives out more details of how to get involved in V

Hi it’s Alli Cummings, the V Project in the mood. Then after they had got we have all been thanked for our efforts Co-Ordinator here again to tell you everyone’s toes tapping, it was the so it is only fitting that we say thank what has been happening with V lately turn of the ballroom dancers to strut you to the Party Shop in Guildford (for and to also give you a few ideas of their stuff and put on a great show a huge discount on the decorations), new ways to spend some of your spare for everyone. Then after persuading Hospitality & Catering (for supplying time. all that it was really easy the dancers all the catering equipment we needed), First of all, though, the latest update proceeded to teach those who fancied a The School of Management (for on what has been happening with V. boogey, how to do a fox trot with some donating a meal for two at Lakeside) The A Team ran the Golden Oldies Jazz pretty disastrous results from the likes and to the Students Union (for letting Dance before Easter where around 40 of me! It was then time to replenish us use HRB to prepare the mountains Above: dancers of the older local elderly people from Age Concern, energy levels and within minutes the of food needed). variety enjoying them- Guildford Club For The Disabled and entire buffet had been demolished. So if you are thinking you wish you selves at the Golden Oldies Jazz Dance and (right) of Milford & Villages Day Centre made With bellies full it was then time for had got involved with something like the sort Ben Supper found their way up to the University for an Xan from GU2 to start rounding up the the jazz dance then don’t worry because himself acquainted with in afternoon out with a bit of twist. The day with a game of Bingo which was it’s never too late to do something and the not too distant past. volunteers spent the morning dashing great fun and the prizes such as meal make a difference. around madly trying to prepare enough for two at Lakeside, a fruit basket and Have a look at the V website food to feed about 50 people (yes we bottles of wine went down a treat. So www.ussu.co.uk/volunteering where fed the volunteers aswell!), decorating how did it go then? Well we all thought you can find details of all the different university hall and putting up signs to it was a great day but you can never be projects in and around Guildford that show everyone where to go – although quite sure how everyone else feels but are desperate for your help. To get we did manage to get a few people after receiving some thank you cards involved with any V projects then lost! The afternoon kicked off at 2.00 this morning I think we can confidently simply pop into the Students Union with the University’s saxophone band say that it was a brilliant success - a big and see me or email me a.cummings@ playing a fantastic set to get everyone pat on the back to the A Team. Anyway surrey.ac.uk.

full of awkward five-second pauses in an immediate >> Second row of a strip joint which the viewer’s attention will shift relief. to the heavy curls of cigarette smoke So why am continued from page 7 This explains why, just forty minutes turning artlessly in the torpid air. But I telling minutes of the show. before, Danny had grabbed me by the I digress). you I sat in the second row. Michael shoulder and propelled me into the ‘You don’t look very happy’ he told this? reclined in a seat in front of me, far theatre, when I was about ready to me. ‘But I am’, I protested, meaning it At drunker than I’d ever seen him before, catch a night bus and leave them all to at the time. ‘I don’t think I actually get last, I have some and obliged the lady in front of him it. He was drinking and drinking, and happier than this.’ ‘Well, if you ever firsthand experience with a portrait of the Queen. In return, getting more and more objectionable. want to talk, I’ve got time. Seriously.’ which is worth sharing. This she allowed him to execute a superficial As if to prove the point, he turned on The show’s finale had begun. Three of week, I will leave you with four pillars gynaecological examination. To his another of Michael’s friends, a medical the ladies who had entertained us that of truth. One. Those who are confused right sat Danny, to whom I had been student who was sitting next to me. evening reappeared, gyrating like dolls in any way would do well to fear those chatting civilly not three hours before. ‘Oi! How can you be gay in a place like attached to a crankshaft. The fourth who are not. Two. If you want to sort Danny, it transpires, is one of those this?’ His immediate reply alluded to emerged from backstage as soon as she out your head, don’t go and spend a people who is not worth talking to after the pleasures of anal violation. Danny, had put her clothes back on, and peeled Saturday night in London. Three. The he’s had a few drinks. I’ve noticed a he then informed us, was only being so them off again. I looked around at the desolation of the stares I witnessed that similar effect take hold of certain other belligerent because he was unaware audience. In doing so, I was alone. night forces me to conclude that people people. At some stage in the evening, a of the physical rapture that he was Each of the four dancers addressed don’t go to strip clubs for sex. Rather, switch clicked in his head from ‘friend’ denying himself by remaining straight. a particular section of the clientele. they are attracted by the reciprocating to ‘arsehole’. Danny smiled lippily, and looked away. All around were pouts, breasts, slow- movements of the dancers. It’s so The medical student turned to me. motion legwork, and glassy-eyed obvious now: that’s why so many men There was a short pause. men ranked in two rows of seats, are also captivated by steam engines. (I have noticed that pauses of similar concentrating very, very hard. Alcohol, Four. Just stay at home. Read the agony duration are often employed by arthouse sex, and symmetry consumed every aunt column of some crappy magazine. film directors to suggest pregnant square inch of the theatre, and for five It really is easier, and far cheaper, to homoeroticism. If a film reviewer raves minutes we found ourselves in a hall of learn those valuable post-adolescent about the ‘erotic tension’ of a work, all mirrors. The asymmetry, cold air, and sexual morals second-hand. that this usually means is that it is intimate hubbub of Soho was Boys night: 7:30pm, 07.05.03, Union “I looked around at the audience. In doing so I was alone: alcohol, sex and symmetry consumed every inch of the theatre. The fourth lady emerged from © Ingridt Share backstage as soon as she had put her clothes back on.” 10 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 1 May 2003 Folk me: it’s a photographic history of UniS in the 70’s Continuing the Surrey Alumni Society’s “blast from the past” series, Colin Edwards reveals the secret history of UniS hidden at www.uossnaps.co.uk

WWW.UOSSNAPS.CO.UK IS A web site with There are sections about OFU, barefacts hundreds of photographs and articles, (or Bare Facts as it used to be known), about student life, in the first decade of people, parties, protests, mud wrestling, the University of Surrey. societies, rag, an inaccurate FAQ, and It all started as a small site, featuring much more (if you can find it). a few photos from the early 1970’s, just The site includes: a very small young to amuse the people featured. However lady, being sold off at the Rag ‘Slave it just keeps slowly growing, as people Market’; Stag Hill Morris. Would find it and send me more material. you believe it, the students had an Now it rambles over hundreds of badly internationally infamous Morris dancing indexed pages, with contributions from side. (Pull the other one, it’s got bells dozens of people, covering just about on.) Gryphon playing at the Free The students union, under construction. There are the obvious differences, like every aspect of university life. Festival. A water fight on Blackwater 3. The dapper looking gents, are at Sue a huge improvement in dress sense, but and Jane’s birthday party, by the river the basic student experience doesn’t in Guildford. seem to be that different. Remember that this is a whole Actually it’s long enough ago, for the generation ago, when the campus was people featured, to now be the parents much smaller. There were only about of current students. Have a look at the 2500 students, ten payphones, three web site and see if you can spot what’s bars, 52 fondue sets and five TV’s. changed. Things have changed in the last thirty To learn more about the website, contact years, but not that dramatically. Mr Edwards via [email protected].

This is the word-crossing crossword Everyone is thinking the same you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semester Here we are once again with the crossword, back to help you wile away those long thing: what to do next? and lonely revision hours. That said, if you are seeking comfort in a crossword, there’s not much hope for you. The e-mail address is [email protected], by the ABOUT THIS TIME every statistic. Large numbers way, if you would rather send something in than do the crossword. year, we hear of a of Surrey graduates are number of final year known to get their jobs students who say they by simply writing to an are worried that they employer they’d like to haven’t got something work for. Once again, definite to do when it is far easier to pick they leave. This is not up these jobs when you unusual. We know from are available to start previous surveys that DR RUSS CLARK work immediately than half of Surrey graduates it is while you are still a are in the same position. “It is not unusual for people student. Yet we also know that to not have a clue what they There’s also encouraging six months later nearly are going to do next - nearly news if you are thinking everybody is either half don’t know.” about postgraduate study. employed or doing some Once Finals results sort of further study. are known, members There is clear evidence of academic staff have that many graduates are choosing to a better idea as to who is eligible for delay their career search until after awards for postgraduate degrees. If the graduation. For example, every student they had provisionally offered year about 30% of Surrey graduates a place fails to get the required degree, obtain their first job by replying to an they try to fill the place with someone advertisement. Since many recruiters else. This provides unexpected who place ads expect applicants to be opportunities. able to start as soon as possible, the So there are good reasons for not closer you are to graduation, the better panicking! I would encourage you to are your chances of success when concentrate on getting the best degree replying to an advertised vacancy. you can and apply yourself to your Small and medium-sized employers in career planning when time permits. You particular are much more likely to look may not have anything fixed up yet, but for graduates after Finals. That’s why if past years are anything to go by, you our own Immediate Vacancy Bulletin is shouldn’t have to wait too long before at its fattest in the summer months. you do. Let me encourage you with another www.surrey.ac.uk/careers MUSIC COMPETITIONS four pages of the your chance to win coolest, funkiest a year’s subscription bands in the world. of to BANG! magazine. course, you might not next week: an orange have heard of them... space hopper. super.

Location, location: welcome to Collinwood

A fine cast and a cameo role for George Clooney aren’t the only good things about Welcome to Collinwood. Rich Watts (left) suggests it might be tIme for the Coen brothers to move over

TWO BROTHERS GET together, find Macy’s sideburns - they’ll give you themselves with a killer-script, sit nightmares - but the story starts off not down and direct the movie and wonder with his charmingly glum, struggling what to do next. So far, so Wachowski. new father, Riley, but a clumsy con In fact, so far so Coen, and just named Cosimo (Luis Guzman, a as those two sets of brothers have familiar and unforgettable face from contributed wonderfully to the world the recent films of Paul Thomas of film, so do Anthony and Joe Russon, Anderson, including Punch-Drunk someone to fess up and serve his time Top: the main cast of Welcome to directors of Welcome to Collinwood. Love and Collinwood producer Steven for a few grand while he makes good Collinwood, without It’s excessively quirky and a little Soderbergh). While Cosimo’s in the on the lifer’s long-incubated plot. Clooney or Luis Guz- lacking in confidence in its delivery clink for car theft, an old lifer tells The setup is as good as any and man and (right) the but otherwise it is witty, funny and him of a perfect crime just waiting to like many a caper it’s here almost new kid in town Sam Rockwell nothing above its station. The bullshit be hatched. It involves an old jeweler, exclusively to let us hang out with dialogue is intentionally bullshitty a safe full of dosh and a couple of old a motley lot of characters striving and all involved greet their job - their biddies in the apartment next door. to eclipse one another with wacky “Bellini” - with wit and sass. Before any of this, though (and this is characteristics. Cosimo’s moll Rosalind The most dramatically impacting the end of the East Cleveland parlance) (Patricia Clarkson) finds Cosimo a fall elements in this movie are William H. Cosimo must find a “Mullinski” - guy in truly terrible amateur boxer Pero (Sam Rockwell), but Pero exhibits a hard to believe that this is the guy skill for social manipulation and soon behind “Whip It” when the mandolins he’s roaming free with the Bellini plan and bouzoukis keep kicking in. At first and a gang with whom to tap it. There’s the effect is jarring - with every scene Toto (the splendid Michael Jeter), comes a radically different chunk who seems incapable of keeping his of “world music” as if someone put pants up let alone following through the Real World catalog on shuffle on a robbery, there’s hair-trigger - but soon enough the effect feels Leon (Isaiah Washington), goofball like the scatteredness of America’s ladies’ man Basil (Andrew Davoli) uncertain and ever-shifting cities. and poor Riley, who just wants to find Such a soundtrack hasn’t been as a thousand bucks to get his wife out of readily representative since The Royal jail. His sideburns are the least of his Tenenbaums. problems. Not everything in Collinwood makes Collinwood is full of surprises and sense but this is an actor’s movie. As some of the most outrageous free-form Pero’s mark and sort of girlfriend, dialogue the cinema’s heard in a while Jennifer Esposito is at her best yet. (“I will shit in you!” a disagreeable There’s also much crackle in the cop shouts into Pero’s face). But exchanges between the feisty would- what’s much stranger is that this baby be crooks and patent freakishness delivered by Soderbergh is actually when they partake of two cameos much more fun than his stiff, largely from wheelchair-bound veteran joyless remake of Ocean’s 11. That he safecracker, Jerzy (George Clooney). helps deliver a style that leads you to It’s tempting to chide Clooney for believe in this despotic Cleveland town being too ridiculous (in two words: – not even deserving of the title of the rabbi disguise), but his clowning only film appearing in the opening sequences serves to emphasize the humanity of – reminds you that it is Soderbergh of the other criminals. Traffic and Erin Brockovich fame Fittingly, everyone involved is right helping out here, but the new focus on the money, not least of all the Russo brought by debutant directors serves to brothers who, with a tale to rival that keep the tempo, and the story, up. of the Big Lebowski in an era-less time Mark Mothersbaugh plays as much of the downtrodden American classes, a role in this heist as any of the actors will be leaving their Coen brothers by laying down a score of delightful “How To Direct a Movie” book on the intricacy and mixed-up ethnicity. It’s shelf for future outings. 14 PERSONALS 1 May 2003

Enormous Trout! Gigantic Salmon! THE CHEESE. hi ya everyone!!!! how u doing???!!!! since End. Advice: If you don’t come fotr the we came back, we’ve met a few people from swimming costumes, you will definitely Kinky Pinky from 90s Dance Night. You are I want you Evan....Dead! Y uni... and just wanted to say that i miss u come for the models who wear them. cordially invited to the March Pub Crawl. all!!!! i’m looking forward to seeing to again I have guarundamnteed you’ll be there so Rhys - you know I is better lookin you fat soon!!!! Seeeeedrick We know. we know you are in don’t let us down. ugly f*** besos desde madrid looooove

Did anybody else know that vodka smells like I WANNA SHAG Guess what I did last week?...I got pd:out . Lost Glasses!?!?!? water, looks like water, but definitely isn’t Oh baby YES!!! To the guy/gal wholeft their glasses in the water?! Rhys - never Ever ask a girl if you can lick AA building (Computing) I gave them to her toes again! It’s just WRONG you sicko www.pdout.com www.pdout.com SECURITY in senate house. Could somebody please introduce the www.pdout.com www.pdout.com concept of STAIRS to the Hockey Club and can SOMEONE plz exlain to evan that you www.pdout.com www.pdout.com Oiiii I really really like you!!!!! ;) xxx explain their use. Lowell, Lydia and Recess do NOT pick up girls by sitting in AP on the www.pdout.com www.pdout.com take note! net at 3 am...GEEK! mel doin a popstar are ya? a) They are not for sleeping on. Happy Birthday Kinky!!!! Have a great day, b) They should be negotiated at a relatively Vishala! - will you, won’t you, get a new boy! Love from the other 4 perfect girls in the wasps are jealous of the bees. there they are, slow speed. HAHAHAHAH! world!! J,A,K,V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx in their nice warm coats, happily making c) They are often very hard, so it is useful honey. oh, how the wasps envy them, inadvisable to come into contact with them, Twomey! - you sick foot fetish, arse sniffing No replys to the wanting for 3 young men.... which is probably why their so pissed off all other than with your feet! bastard! where are you all?? the time, as well as being cold cos their bald...

does 4 really come between 6 and 8!! Sarah Norris - Negligible Sin Day?? Currently recruiting...... Any offers??? 2 unlimited WERE the best band in the Month??? Year??? Lifetime??? world ever. So there! 1 tequilla, 2 tequilla, 3 tequilla, 4 I want to thank my girlfriend Tamara for 5 tequilla, 6 tequilla recess hits the floor! So who does CT of CIT thank for the being sexy and helping me get through my IT’S OFFICIAL ! So you can stop teasing us complement? exams. To the sexiest lady in the world, i love now (esp. Scuman the superhuman). Thanx Wanted: One Jewson’s flag for taking on tour ya babe x K.J. & M@ x and covering up Naked Short guy Noisy Neighbour Riddhi....the only Bhangra lover in Guildford!!! Turn it down nobody I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I LOVE TIGER!!!!!!! Where’s my message???? :( At time of going to print-only 22 more days cares!!!!.....LL Cool J.....No Way!!!! We MY BOYFRIEND VERY MUCH, HE of boredom-to be sung in a Chris Rea stytlee wish....LL Cool Singh!! Oh Well Have Fun!!!! TAKES SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME AND Smell the cupcake Kennard! MY LIFE WOULD NOT BE THE SAME Hmmm. Is that a skirt or a belt? raise up ya litah ima natural born fitah,elite WITHOUT HIM. I LOVE U BABY XXX to the girl sitting next to me in AP - you are lyric writer,stick ur head ina vice n do it real so fine! Fuzzy Duck, Fuzzy Duck, Duzzy, ermmmm tite, cos im SO much brighter n in bed ya gal Starry starry night! Jade its your go-F*CK! tell me im mightier.one did anyone get a free shot?????????????? over £2000 raised by RAG for The London cos i didnt LET’s STOP HANGING OUT, LET’s Bourne 2 rocks ! Meningitus Foundation! Well done to all the START HAVING FUN! Raggies that came! To the fit bird wiv the perfect tits and oh so sweet arse in the union on friday - Thanx ave some room for later Augustus! 4 the lovely supprise you gave me in the gents,U know who you are 8-) u know who u r.u know what your game was and unfortunately 4u so do i now...let the real hey Fiona thanks for a great night u dirty games commence.. little minx, thats the first time a bird has let me do that to her. Adam and Sarah - you know you want to, so just do it!! See John’s Bush! Go to Stag Hill Court reception, and follow the signs. SEE THE could you help me to fine vietnamese student LEGEND!!!!!!!! in sureey university? thanks in advance Real Madrid - Not quite REAL WAGES, at CONGRATULATIONS UniS Big Band!!! least we have a TROPHY in the cabinet this Officially the best Big Band in the UK. season

hey kinky- sexy here! lets bring the hole back Dave - it was me that broke your plateLove ? to life!! Home and Away A small quantity of uranium and thorium chemicals were found in an old farm building You’re my honeybun, sugarplum, pumpy used for storage at Blackwell House, the umpy umpkin, you’re my sweety pie. You’re Vice-Chancellor’s residence. cuppy cake, gum drop, schnucle-puss schnuckums, you’re the apple of my eye. well Em and Lou u check each week to chek this isnt here so this week it is!!! roll up and play the personals lottery: submit one and see which week’s paper it will The accomodation office are a bunch of appear in. wahey. useless, lazy arses. Why do we pay our hard earned money for their services. Personally 2Pac v Chesney - Chesney wins every time I’d rather pay to have my arm chewed off by -Love ‘Wellard’ Kennard a small rabid afghan rebel. 99 red balloons does not have a verse in crikey - whats all the fuss about lemons? German BEN, you fool!

Weasel Fest ‘03 - Thursday Main Hall! Wells 4 v Wells 1 - Bring it on, we’ll ‘ave you.

Jo is Get-Up! Nick made us WET.....

webmail is not working and i’m geting so Hide the knives Nicks getting drunk tonight. ducking stressed! Dave lives in a trailer!!! The cheese has all been nibbled what next? Kristina...ive seen your sexy ass around, u K do you want some stress releving drops? know how to look good!

I want Everybody in Nottingham to support SC you Croydon slag when will you visit me the beautiful Water-Polo girls this Week- again!! 1 May 2003 FILM 15 Going underground part III: the experimental world of underground cinema

THIS WEEK, WE conclude our brief survey BY JAMES DIBLEY that they’re basically soft/hard-core pornos of underground cinema with a look at with occasional grisly horror that’s not three very different filmmakers. In their remaining fragments in various ways. Gysin enjoyable either: Eight Legs To Love You, very different motives, we can see that the was amused by this; Burroughs saw in it anyone? artists who work within this field are driven a strategy for aggressively destabilising Desperately sleazy, weird and – despite and motivated by very different things. reality (which he had always thought to proclamations to the contrary – really not One works out of an adventurous spirit of be an oppressive restriction on individual very sexy at all, Jess Franco’s films sway pure experimentation; another appeared freedom). Balch’s films of this time – The gracelessly between horror and porn, semi- to be mostly interested in exploitation Cut-Ups, Bill and Tony, and especially the competent B-movie productions and awful, movies and just happened to produce a set blistering Towers Open Fire are these cut- awful messes. Sometimes the disjointed of extraordinary, surreal short films. And up methods in action, and the effects are narratives, generally abysmal acting, acid- another seems to be primarily motivated by extraordinary. The sensations of unbalance rock soundtracks and arrhythmic film his interest in seeing young, fleshy women and danger are palpable to a receptive editing can contribute to a weird, surreal get chased around by weirdos. Fair to say, viewer. Balch’s other features more closely atmosphere that’s something like a fever none of these guys are the regular Academy reflect his background as an importer and dream: most of the time, though, it just Award material. Do they even deserve to be? distributor of European exploitation films. looks horrible and bad. Franco seems to Well, maybe. Neither Dr Bloodbath or Secrets of Sex value quantity over quality: having worked hand-painting film negatives, and scratching Anthony Balch is the second man sound particularly interesting. under around twenty pseudonyms, it would and gouging the emulsion itself. His 1964 mentioned, and his film career is mostly Which brings us to Jess “young, fleshy appear that he has worked on something masterpiece Dog Star Man is considered one remembered nowadays for the fact that three women” Franco. In modern times, Jess approaching a hundred films, with no sign of the most important films ever made by the of his five direction credits were produced Franco is best known for Tarantino’s of flagging yet. US Library of Congress. The quality of his in collaboration with notorious writer and judicious steals from his Los Vampyros A fair way to go, however, before Franco films overall is legendary, and characterised critic William S. Burroughs. During the late Lesbos soundtrack in Jackie Brown. catches up with our final filmmaker, Stan by his willingness to incorporate scenes and 1960s, Burroughs’ artistic preoccupations If there’s any justice, it’ll stay that way. Brakhage. As of this year, the Canadian situations from his own life in his movies: had shifted away from his homosexuality Artistic preoccupations for Jess Franco are Brakhage had completed over 350 feature 1959’s Window Water Baby Moving is a and drug addiction, towards cut-ups, which things along the lines of the way that he tends presentations, varying in length from 9 documentary of the birth of his first child; had been developed by his friend Brion to put his wife in most of his movies, naked; seconds to 4 hours. He died two weeks ago, throughout, his films are shadowed by a Gysin. Cut-ups were as they sound – a the way that his films combine gratuitous on the ninth of March. A cult figure perhaps brooding darkness, which sits side by side set text or newspaper would be carelessly sex and violence with utterly incompetent, marginalised by the uniquely personal with an unaffected, genuine appreciation sliced and then the cutter would read the tactless editing and direction; and the way vision he’s followed since 1952, Brakhage’s for nature and life itself. Inspirational and new sentences and statements that could be that some weirdos seem to go totally crazy films are typically abstract, without frequently beautiful, dealing in minute detail formed by juxtaposing the over his movies despite the fact dialogue, filled with coruscating visuals with one man’s life throughout the latter half produced by an increasingly esoteric range of the 20th century, Brakhage’s films are a “Desperately sleazy, weird and - despite proclamations to of experimental techniques. Producing his lasting, precious testament to the life of a the contrary - really not sexy at all, Franco’s films sway works at home, without major studio creative, sensitive man in highly volatile financing, Brakhage was free to indulge his times. gracelessly between horror and porn.” whims in making films by photography,

>> Classicfilm: if you go down to the woods today Right: the direc- tor Stan Brakhage. Below left: a cap- DELIVERANCE (1972) DIRECTED BY John BY JOLYON HUNTER small waterfall but in their panic overturn ture of the poster Boorman, is based on the James Dickey FILM EDITOR into the rapids. Reynolds’ character severely for this week’s novel of the same name (he also wrote the breaks his leg, and in the delirium he asserts classic film Screenplay for Boorman’s movie). The harsh stuff considering the year this film that Drew was shot. The group’s fear and which incidentally is much, much better story centres around four “city slicker” guys was made, although the overall impression paranoia sets in, leading them to believe than this) the film is edgy and sometimes who take a canoe trip into the American I got from the film was a feeling that this they are being hunted by hillbilly#2 from uncomfortable for the viewer – enhanced by wilderness before a particular river area is all just one big hangover from the 60s. the riverbank. Voight’s character then scales the lack of soundtrack throughout most of is submerged by an electricity company’s Then again, that could be said about many the cliff-face and shoots (with the bow and the picture. It meanders like the river they dam-building efforts. Unofficial leader of 70 films I guess. Anyway, Burt Reynolds arrow) someone who he thinks is hillbilly#2 travel down and at times it just doesn’t carry this expedition is Lewis, played by a young arrives and shoots hillbilly#1 thru the heart – however on closer inspection he has teeth! enough clout with its allegorical attempts at Burt Reynolds. His companions include Ed with his trusty bow and arrow… cue moral It is not hillbilly#2! After returning to the representing the struggle between man and (Jon Voight) Drew (Ronny Cox) and Bobby dilemma of whether to go to authorities etc. others below he ties a rock to the corpse and nature… or maybe watching too much 24- (Ned Beatty – yup, “Otis” from “Superman” Drew wants to tell the police but is voted sinks it… again an emphasis on his change hour rolling news had de-sensitised me by in his first movie role). down by the others and they proceed to bury from Mr pipe-and-slippers to ruthless tamer the time I watched this movie. The concept The film starts, and indeed continues for hillbilly#1 in the woods. of nature (he even loses his shirt for this bit, of man vs. nature, transformation when the majority of its duration, without music. Drew’s conscience plays on him as they just so you’re sure he’s wild now). We later one encounters the other, the whole “rape” All we hear is the voiceovers of the main paddle downstream and he fails to wear find out that the guy he has killed is just metaphor etc are all good starting points characters coupled with expansive shots his lifejacket – then he falls in to the rapids some other yokel out hunting. for an intelligent, philosophical look at the of the great American outdoors they are (and is found later, mangled in river debris So after a while they get to the point where human condition… I just felt it was a bit venturing into. Their first run down a set downstream). However, all four go over a they originally intended to arrive – and half-arsed at times. of rapids goes without a hitch, but on day make a pact to tell the same story and not This film is perhaps overrated (Best 2 Beatty and Voight’s characters stop on the mention the multiple homicides or psychotic Picture, Director and Editing nominations riverbank for a break and are ambushed by hillbillies with too much time on their hands. at the 1973 Academy Awards), confused, a couple of armed “mountain men” (psycho Voight’s character has a hard time dealing and feels unfinished or rushed. It is worth hillbillies to you and me). This is where the with the whole affair and ends the movie watching if only so you “get” the jokes that film kind of kicks off. Beatty’s character waking up from a nightmare where the dead many US comedians like to make about it… is sexually assaulted by hillbilly#1 while guy’s hand rises from the man-made lake. oh and the banjo bit is some mighty fine hillbilly#2 (“toothless man”) points the The acting is ok, and the direction serves its bluegrass, yess sirreee HOO doggy. Scary shotgun at Voight’s character (tied to a tree purpose. Much like Boorman’s other notable thing is, “Duelling Banjos” even reached with a belt round his neck). All fairly movie, “Point Blank” (the Lee Marvin one, #10 in the US charts in 1973. 16 MUSIC 1 May 2003

I’M WITH YOU AVRIL LAVIGNE | ARISTA/BMG While the whole world seems to have a strong, unwavering opinion one way or the other on Avril Lavigne, I can’t bring myself to describe her musical output in even remotely passionate terms – it is neither unmissably excellent nor excruciatingly poor, just very mediocre. Her third UK single, described in the press release as ‘a string-inflicted emotive ballad’ (sounds painful), is comparable to everything else I’ve heard by her, with its unemotive string-inflected balladry inspiring total apathy, along with Avril’s unremarkable vocals and the typically clinical production job. Average songwriting, average singing, average arrangement – average score. five | j.d.

DEFAULT singles WONDERING WHY DENY | TVT RECORDS MJ COLE | TALKING LOUD They’re from Vancouver. Their MJ Cole (aka Matt Coleman) lead singer is called Dallas has been at the forefront of and used to work as a sheet the UK garage scene since metal cutter. They’re clearly its early days of US speed Real Men, and they make Real garage way back in 1996. His Men’s Music. All of which classic production technique immediately brings to mind of bumpin funky basslines and everyone’s favourite grunge smooth vocals, led him to be resurrectionists, Nickelback regarded as one of the UK’s – and, sure enough, the sleeve top producers. His new single notes reveal that a certain TAKE ME I’M YOURZ Wondering Why sticks to his Chad Kroeger is co-credited 209 | BOHEMIAN RECORDS NADA 4 to the floor style and injects with authoring the music and Arrrghhh, it’s Linkin Park! Wait GOLD CHAINS | PIAS RECORDINGS some much-needed oomph into lyrics, in addition to handling no it’s 5ive with guitars, double This dirty lump of sleazy hip-hop the ailing genre. Bring on the production duties. It doesn’t arrgghhh! With the deterioration is about how leading excessive album. seven | j.h. take a great deal of imagination of Nu-metal (since the arguable lifestyles can leave you with no to work out what the result high point of Korn’s Freak on friends. Can’t say I really relate sounds like, and although a Leash) in its final stages, the to that, but it’s still catchy and Deny manages to grate slightly KARAOKE SOUL legacy of intelligent bands like original. The best mix on the less than most of Kroeger’s TOM MCRAE | DB RECORDS Incubus is left to gargantuan single is easily the GC Gold work, there’s little chance of it It won’t be long before all this corporate machines like the ‘park, Remix, with an infectious electro appealing to anyone who would singer/songwriter middle of the who sell ‘the kids’ angst right backing ready to rock your socks. usually avoid anything he’s roadness comes to a sticky end. In back to them in the form of a seven | j.a. involved with, which I expect the words of the great Mr Miyagi soulless McTurd with fries. Still if covers most people reading this to Daniel-san: “Squash, like someone could construct a decent ABANDONED POOLS review. five | j.d. grape”. six | j.a. rap-rock number maybe some THE REMEDY life could be restored right? Well Abandoned Pools are the brand SAVING GRACE (MURTO) these guys haven’t. This is more new project from ex-Eels bass BEAT PUSHER FEAT. MIRANDA rap-metal by numbers. And the player Tommy Walter. According BRAINSBY | SERIOUS Durst is yet to come… four | a.c. to the press release their big indie Commercial dance. Do I need rock and killer sound is able to to go on? To clarify, this is the MESMERIZE rival any of Smashing Pumpkins’ type of dance track you see on JA RULE FT. ASHANTI | MURDER INC. greatest hits. A pretty big claim The Box music channel. You This probably says more about eh! Well the melody and groaning know the sort: video starts off, the barefacts music team than vocals certainly show similarities, an impossibly attractive blonde Ja Rule’s artistic credibility, but maybe they’re trying to hard. woman with a wistful smile but in spite of the impact he’s They just don’t quite pull it off. WENDY is on a boat or at the beach, recently made on both sides of the five | j.h. JESSE MALIN | ONE LITTLE INDIAN her first words, usually “hold Atlantic, this single sat forlornly Jesse Marlin seems to be more oooon” or something of that on the Media Centre table while famous for his friendship with nature and the wind blows her all the CDs around it were picked Ryan Adams than his musical hair about while behind her out one by one. As a result, the talents, this surely a crime. some grinning twat with a pair onerous task of reviewing it fell ‘Wendy ‘ is a track suited to the of Oakleys sunglasses pretends upon the last person to be picked sporting stadiums of the world, to actually mix something. out of the hat – and that person an energetic clap-a-long with There will always be a demand was me. All I have to say in my a great vintage feel. If you like for this sort of rubbish, thankfully limited remaining the Marlin magic then check especially in the summer, and space is that it sounds like fairly out Brendan Benson, I’ve been that’s sad fact. Bottom line: I standard rap/R&B crossover fare, sent to spread the word, nearly wouldn’t use this CD to scrape and is partly redeemed only by forgot, this is a Jesse Marlin monkey shit off the walls at Ashanti’s competent but indistinct single review! ‘Wendy’ is London Zoo. two | a.c. vocals. four | j.d. beautiful. seven | s.b.

all words by the very excel- REGAINING UNCONSCIOUSNESS EP lent music team who are: NOFX | FAT WRECK CHORDS al read | andrew malek The ‘Regaining Unconsciousness EP’ comprises of five tracks, of which four are taken from the forthcoming simon robinson | anna wheeler album, ‘War On Errorism’. The EP demonstrates just how political NOFX can be. Their opinions on the jonathan darzi | matty b current political situation in the USA and further a filed are strong. NOFX may be growing old, but they anthos chrysanthou jonathan howel l terje tjervaag sure haven’t lost their ability to write quality punk-rock. This EP is the latest chapter in the life of NOFX, jon allen | nick clancy a story that will hopefully run and run until those guys can’t rock no more. If you don’t purchase this EP, neil boulton | stu bryce make sure you get the album out in May ’03, you’ll be missing out otherwise. seven | s.b. 1 May 2003 MUSIC 17

THE HEAVY EP RELAXED MUSCLE| ROUGH TRADE A heavier sound than is expected from the Rough Trade record label with dark vocals and heavy baseline making up Heavy. The effect is a whole lot of noise, not in key or ear pleasing makes this title track disappointing. Verging on dance beats and BRMC blurred vocals IN A WORLD GONE MAD makes Rod Of Iron move into a more promising direction. What is BEASTIE BOYS | SELF-RELEASED going on here a single that gets better track after track surely stronger THROUGH WEBSITE Branded including slurred chorus and even a xylophone thrown would Not strictly a release but note have made this a worthier candidate for top slot. five | m.b. worthy release none the less, In A World Gone Mad is a track released by the Beastie Boys through their website. Basically PLAY SOME D it’s the Beastie Boys opinion of BRASSY | WIIJA RECORDS the Iraq situation as a musical Play Some D has recently response, they released it early been featured in the Motorola of their other new material as “hellomoto” TV commercials they want the song’s message and apparently this has stirred up NEARER THAN HEAVEN to be heard. Musically it hasn’t enough interest to warrant this DELAYS | ROUGH TRADE strayed too far from their last single re-release. And I, for one, al- I hope the promotion for this releases circa Hello Nasty / am glad it did. The title track is single will avoid the “Expect Sounds Of Science. It sounds an a happy mix of styles with a fair bums* Delays Soon” idea which sprung awful lot like Alive in structure bit of self-sure attitude – Elastica to mind on first hearing the and general composition. It’s crossed with the Beastie Boys is band’s name. Anyway, Delays still a good song musically with the best description for it. The sound a bit like Cast with more a nice stop-start tune flowing track starts with the catchy organ- feminine vocals, except the also through it and ends with a nice style riff and gets driven on by sound like Turin Brakes, who heavy beat. “George Bush you the strong drum beats and bass I don’t think sound like Cast look like Zoolander, tryin’ to creating a hip-hop-pop-rock- with feminine vocals… The play tough for the Camera.” It’s dance collision. The B-side are title track is an airy, vast, yet worth a download (4.43MB at Here Comes The Style follows familiar, sounding song with a www.beastieboys.com) and a in a similar, albeit in a ‘poppier’ soft indie sensibility and some decent track to boot. six and a manner with the work of the large harmonies in the chorus. half | n.b. bands DJ (DJ Swett) being more As a song it’d work well on a obvious than in the title track. summer’s day, it could almost Also included on the single is have been a song spearheaded an in-house remix of Play Some by a female solo artist. Way PHILADELPIA FREEWAY D; which is a more abstract take Smooth, first of the two b-sides, FREEWAY | A ROC-A-FELLA* on the single with the chorus definitely feels and sounds Freeway is another rap artist from the Jay-Z stable. He has a history of sounding part gospel and the very familiar. It would’ve drug dealing, but has recently decided to refocus his life and begin a rest sounding like cut-up disco. been nice if the jangly piano rap career. Each song refers to life in the ghetto, he explains through his Lyrically things are very basic, which bookmarks the song rapping how he changed his life and how hard, but worthwhile it was the words are sung/rapped out and could’ve played a part in the to so. Freeway means business, he has collaborated with the likes of all focus on the band’s view of rest of the song. Over and Out Snoop Dogg, Mariah Carey, Jay-Z and Nelly on ‘On My Own.’ A man themselves, which probably won’t is a simplistic acoustic number with friends in high places. The first few tracks are great, his lyrics are appeal to everyone. However I with no real defining features interesting, and the beats are of a high quality, but you soon realise that think it’s a catchy single worth apart from the occasional high- he just seems to repeating himself. Buy it if you like parrots. five | s.b. checking out. seven | n.b. pitched vocal. Delays sound competent and the songs are nice, maybe a bit faceless, but in THE SOUND OF MOVEMENT the end the single doesn’t sound MIXED BY BRYAN GEE * like anything new to me, more Movement are to the UK re-treading of already trodden Drum n Bass scene what Pete ground. three | n.b Waterman is to pop music. Their humble beginning in the small but intimate Bar Rumba on Shaftsbury Avenue has allowed them to grow LONG GONE BEFORE DAYLIGHT into a world-renowned name. THE CARDIGANS | UNIVERSAL * With the last CD outing “A The return of a Swedish band that was ‘the’ well before being ‘the’ Brazilian Job” typifying the was fashionable. Nothing to do with sweaty Kiwis doing AC/DC South American influences impressions however, the cardigans make music for shiny happy from DJ Marky and Patife at sentimentalists, but this time they’ve drafted in some big name rockers the time. This new album mixed in the forms of Howlin’ Pele from the Hives and Ebbot Lundberg from by Bryan Gee (V Recordings inspired space-rockers the Soundtrack of our Lives. These celebrities owner and Movement founder) make little impact on the album, which doesn’t ‘rock’ as such, but is a aims to create the current vibe rosy, organic-sounding affair, slightly country but not excessively so. of the scene in your bedroom. This album is essentially a collection of love songs (don’t expect the From fresh dub plates to pop seduction of ‘Lovefool’ from so many years ago), of which opener smacking bass lines, the DJ ‘Communication’ and single ‘For What it’s Worth’ stand out. Try takes you on a smooth yet before you buy. seven | a.c. refreshing DnB journey. Well worth the ride. eight | j.h. 18 MUSIC 1 May 2003

AWAY FROM THE SUN 3 DOORS DOWN | ISLAND RECORDS In the press release, 3 Doors THE SMELL OF OUR OWN Down are described as having THE HIDDEN CAMERAS | ROUGH “Distinctive heavy rock TRADE melodies”. Distinctive, maybe, This four piece from Canada but certainly not heavy. The new use a range of familiar styles album is not much of a departure in this hit and from their first, ‘the Better Life’. miss album. Ban The guitar melodies have exactly Marriage lavishes the same sound, and it seems that in jolly melodies they are trying to follow in the being upbeat with footsteps of bore-rockers Creed joyous overtones by sacrificing original, interesting SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS from a choir and music in return for sales. This PLACEBO | HUT RECORDS vocals that just is proved by the stand out track It seems that Placebo are finally about keep up. A on the album. It’s ‘Kryptonite’ learning the art of putting variety Miracle relives an which, incidentally, was the stand into an album without half of early REM style out track on the last album as the tracks sounding crap. From with floating lyrics, well. They’ve tacked it on the end the rock instrumental of opener twinkling guitars as a UK ‘bonus’ track. Cheers ‘Bulletproof Cupid’ to single ‘The and backing from a guys. six | j.a. Bitter End’ and from the superb string quartet. The ‘Special Needs’ to the ballad title

albums Hidden Cameras track, we have some excellent cannot be accused diverse, distinctive material. of being one style Maybe with the exception of one and boring but with music that or two slightly shabby tracks, it’s was at its height many years definitely worth a listen!eight | ago a revival looks unlikely. j.a. Echo vocals kick in again in another track you felt you’ve heard before but reengineered with lyrics that come and go without a second glance. On >> turin brakes @ brixton academy a more positive note their musically strong and have bags I’ve been a fan of Turin Brakes far the best song of the night of potential with a direction for quite a while, but have never provided such a sight. ‘Mind and that extra quality will been all that convinced about Over Money’ set Brixton alight, distinguish them from a tribute how their often fragile sound before the flames were fuelled band to a band in their own would work out live. On March by the likes of sci-fi throwback th right. five | m.b. 20 , I bit the bullet and went to ‘Future Boy’ and the final song, see them at their very first show hit single ‘Painkiller’. With at their home town venue, the the strobe lit guitar duel of Brixton Academy. They were ‘Little Brother’ and the huge Unlike many of their American supported by I Am Kloot, who did crowd sing along of ‘Underdog rock contemporaries Interpol >> interpol @ london astoria a fantastic job, despite the lead (Save Me)’ as encores, they have chosen to eschew the singer introducing the majority disappeared. Not only had the rawness of garage-rock in same over-energised directness. – if you weren’t dancing to the of the songs as being about venue been filled with Olly’s favour of a more cultured, Putting this band intro aside, outro you’re a boring fuck. The disaster! Their minimalist gloom- exquisite vocals and Gale’s post-GCSE sound. The most the gig tonight comprises all the early start to the gig and the large mongering, including guest vocals superlative guitar work, but also immediate reference is lead arrogance and pent up anger of number of uselessly pretentious from Guy Garvey (of Elbow), an incredible light extravaganza singer Paul Bank’s voice and debut album Turn on the Bright A-level students conspired to provided a superb introduction for forming an astounding aural and Ian Curtis from Joy Division, Lights with a slightly hesitant take the edge off the rock ’n’ Turin Brakes to follow. The whole visual assault on the mind. After this is more happy coincidence crowd. The result was just short of roll vibe. Concentration was set was generally a showcase for such an experience, no gig will than textbook copy; the Interpol the performance threatened. The restored momentarily when the their two albums, with only three be the same again. sound is altogether funkier accomplished and relevant NYC slow building catharsis of new songs from each album left off Jon Allen and more palatable than Joy incited a brief mosh pit as did the song Love at Length filtered the set list. They started off with Division. A forward-thinker superb Say Hello To The Angels awkwardly among the established ‘Blue Hour’ before launching into would suggest it more accurate which has risen even higher in my LP tracks – it was interesting but ‘The Door’, containing the most to compare Interpol with New estimation after witnessing it’s very apparently from the same haunting of slide guitar lines. A Order as both bands share the live performance mould as the older songs. More powerful blast through ‘Long obvious highlights included a Distance’ followed but the best blistering Stella Was A Diver And was yet to come. I never thought She Was Always Down and the all I would ever see a crowd pogoing conquering PDA which couldn’t in unison to Turin Brakes but by fail to delight the tie-wearing Interpol cognoscenti. I can’t finish this review without mentioning gigs lead guitarist Daniel’s unerring Elvis-like appearance that held my friend Michelle and a group of female art students (probably CND members) captivated for the whole set – I suppose it should be encouraged? Alex Read 1 May 2003 MUSIC 19

This turned out to be a well-timed fulfils the role. Songs ofSeven celebration for the White Stripes, Nation Army calibre blew up >> the white stripes their latest album Elephant Brixton like cheap firecrackers hit the charts at number 1 the with every red and white twist Sunday before and Jack and Meg on the rock ‘n’ roll theme. @ brixton academy White were clearly enjoying the Ryan Adams nailed it recently moment. The crowd enjoyed it to; when he said “motherfucker when they look back they should knows rock ‘n’ roll like sugar consider themselves fortunate to knows ice cream” – he was of have caught a band at the pinnacle course referring to Jack White. of their career – the Stripes have The Stripes have chosen a upped the rock ‘n’ roll ante with different route to their musical Elephant. The set was comprised luminaries by avoiding political primarily of new songs mixed consciousness in favour of in with older material like Dead well-crafted rock mini-dramas. Leaves and the Dirty Ground. The juries still out on artistic Sadly there was no room for the responsibility but the result highly acclaimed Fell in Love sees the Stripes cleverly side- with a Girl; it was anticipated stepping the whole Massive that it might appear late in the Attack/Blur political movement. encore…alas no, it missed the cut! I think the Stripes still have Hotel Yorba did its job early on as some musical tricks left in the a crowd appeaser in amongst new locker - whereas your Massive material. Fortunately the issue of Attacks and Blur are running difficult first plays of songs wasn’t a little low, a fact reflected in a problem – a strong indicator of their current doctrinaire attitude how fans have taken quickly to to political music making. The Elephant. Every classic album gig was an unmitigated success needs a defining song as a kind with the magical Meg-sung of musical coup de grace; Seven In the Cold Cold Night as the Nation Army unquestionably highlight. Alex Read

Photo: Patrick Pantano >> massive attack @ brixton academy talent, echoing Doubts relating to how band with single Special Cases. Although and celebrating a computer-orientated approach to missed Sinead’s replacement has the passion and excitement music might sound live dispelled performed with Massive Attack generated by this music explosion. competitionsThis week’s after oh…ten seconds. This was on the current tour and proved a Bang’s editors and visionaries competition is a the edgiest and most emotion more than adequate replacement are The Gloom brothers (Crispin bit of a special one: it gives soaked gig I’d been to for a long – she also played the support Parry and Danny Ford). They you the chance to win one year’s time. From the second Future slot. The playback of country even after arriving late. Horace have previously created the highly subscription to the brand new Proof’s menacing electric beats by country military spending on Andy a long time collaborator regarded independent magazine music magazine Bang. kicked in, aided and enhanced by the electronic big screen coupled with Massive Attack was on Circuit, album covers, photo Bang is the rock’n’roll bible the awesome Matrix style big- with weird CND style strobe hand to provide his own take on archives, reviews and design for for a new generation of music screen animations, the Brixton lights ensured Massive Attack’s the band’s sound; unfortunately the music industry and several fans turned on by exciting new fuse was burnt to a cinder. With anti-war doctrine was never his songs tended to detract other projects in the underground groups like The White Stripes, the rug ripped from under their far from thought. This was the momentum and interest that UK recording and live music The Strokes and The Darkness. feet, every member of the crowd main achievement of the gig - to was only restored with the scene. They are also part-time The magazine is a vibrant had their empathy emotion continue the anti-war message in a reappearance of 3D and Daddy members of the Polyphonic Spree and exciting blend of articles switched to full. 3D’s pressure way that young people can relate Gee. The gig was a success choir. featuring major acts and new and stress of recent months to. The most famous Massive but Massive Attack must re- For your chance to win this dissipated slowly - the first songs Attack classics like Unfinished evaluate their direction now fandabidosi prize, answer the in the set felt the full force and Sympathy and Hymn of the Big Daddy Gee has returned to following question: were consequently the highlight. Wheel were aired as reward to a the band. The next record will The singer Dot Allison deputised loyal if at times reserved crowd. hopefully signal the return of a Q. who are the editors of Bang? for an injured Sinead O’Connor The gig was a sell out but it was slightly less neurotic Massive on lead still fairly easy to get to the front Attack. Alex Read Send your answers to [email protected]. Closing date for entries is midnight >> next week: on Tuesday 9th May. Judges decision is final and all that.

Clickety-click: beth orton www.bangmagazine.co.uk jessie malin

earl brutus

singles + albums 20 INTERACTIVE 1 May 2003 Who wants to be a millionaire? Kriss-Kross thingymajiggy well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down iit’s like an already completed game of scrabble, but harder £100: which German city is associated with a round patty of minced beef served in a bun? a: frankfurt | b: hamburg | c: bonn | d: berlin Aerie Ruddy Aided Sends £200: what can be ‘right’, ‘acute’ or ‘reflex’? Alter Sheaf a: accent | b: lens | c: angle | d: edge Assam Spine Badge Spoon £300: who won the 1967 Eurovision Song Contest with ‘Puppet on a String’? Clasp Stand a: cilla black | b: petula clark | c: marianne faithful | d: sandie shaw Delay Stays Eight Stony £500: what nickname was given to the stock market crash that began on 19th October Erase Strut 1987? Ethel Thumb a: black monday | b: black wednesday | c: black thursday | d: black friday Facts Thump Field Tiger £1k: Socrates was a famous philosopher in which civilisation? Fixed Toads a: roman | b: greek | c: egyptian | d: chinese Heidi Upend Iliad Upset £2k: what is ‘mal de mer’? Islet Usher a: headache | b: seasickness | c: homesickness | d: vertigo Issue Lasso £4k: which of these modes of transport travels on rails? Magic a: velocipede | b: wagon-lit | c: luge | d: litter Medic Needy £8k: which girl’s name was the title of a top ten single for Kool and the Gang in 1984? Niece a: michelle | b: maria | c: linda | d: joanna Noose Ocala £16k: in which city was the Prophet Mohammed born? Ocean Bowing to intense pressure from the fine readership of this newspaper, barefacts a: jerusalem | b: medina | c: mecca | d: damascus Paper brings you a kriss-kross (or jig-word if you prefer), a puzzle that involves fitting Pinto each of the words below into the grid above. This week’s puzzle has words that £32k: which word follows ‘fire’ to give a gas found in mines? Press are all just five letters long so could prove quite tricky. That said, when you are a: dust | b: dog | c: damp | d: dragon Pride supposed to be doing revision, the human mind would rather pursue any other

Pylon sort of endeavour, so you go right on ahead. The answer might be in the paper £64k: what was the full first name of gangster Al Capone? React somewhere. We hope you like it. Tell us if you don’t and would rather see the a: alan | b: alfredo | c: alphonse | d: alberto Reedy lyrics quiz back. All those in favour of the kriss-kross and a lyrics quiz all at the Roust same time should remember you cannot have it all. : [email protected] £125k: what sort of animal is sometimes called a cooney? a: raccoon | b: rabbit | c: skunk | d: beaver Al Capone: crime doesn’t pay, kids. “

£250k: what would a person suffering from ‘sitophobia’ fear? I can’t seem to find the words a: glass | b: pins | c: food | d: hair that’s because this is a word search £500k: who lived at Hughenden Manor in Buckinghamshire? a: charles dickens | b: benjamin disraeli | c: william gladstone | d: thomas hardy Letting your guard down applies to prisoners who perform poorly at their chosen sport £1m: the word ‘emmet’ is an archaic term for which creature? a: ant | b: newt | c: young hawk | d: worm “

Sexy things, wordsearches, if you have a funny sort of brain. Has the kriss-kross affected your ability to complete the cross word? Do let us know, won’t you: [email protected] 1 May 2003 LIFESTYLE 21

ife after the womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson… Life After the Womb is of course a law-abiding member of society and would never seek to HI there. In my last 4 years at University I THE fourth Easter ‘holiday’ of my involve itself in any activity that could involve the heavy hand of the law knocking on its don’t really think I’ve ever really had any University life has followed a somewhat door and asking for a brief chat concerning its whereabouts on any particular evening. It is “all nighters” the day before a project is predictable pattern, despite being rather just not the done thing. due, so just to make sure that I wouldn’t more work-saturated than previous years. That said, the gun amnesty that the Metropolitan police have recently sustained has come leave Uni without this valuable experience After starting relatively well on the dreaded in very handy due a rather unfortunate stash of implements – both sharp and blunt – and I decided to leave 90% of one project, 100% coursework/revision/project/recital, I weapons that have been in LATW’s possession for some time now. The story behind them of another project and about 60% of my somehow descended into the normal ‘film would be humourous were it not for the tragedy against which their acquisition is set. dissertation right until the week they are all fest’ that seems to take over the lives on As an only child, playing harmlessly on the local grassy area outside the house with only due in. The 90% project went really well, many students each Easter. Several friends an imaginary friend to keep this only child company, it was deemed by the powers that and I completed on time. The dissertation and I have recently managed to devour be (who happened to be the parents) that guns were too dangerous to play with. Not just is going ok… got about 1.5 days worth of around a film a day… X Men, Roadkill, Red bb guns, pellet guns and air-rifles you will understand (which is to say the variety of gun hours on that… and the Project that is due Dragon, and not to mention the horribly that can actually cause damage), but all types of guns, including, and this is repeated with in at 5pm this afternoon I started at 3pm un-scary Halloween Resurrection have all a lump in the throat, water-pistols (which is to say the variety of gun that can only ever yesterday- and apart from a quick tea, that is graced screens across campus, all courtesy possibly get you wet, making them as dangerous as rain). To an only child attempting to what I have literally been doing till I started of the reliable Blockbuster machine outside make friends with the other children of the neighbourhood, mainly perpetrated by either writing this at 6:18am in the AB computer the Union. shooting them or trying to kiss them (innocence deeming that it was not always dependent labs. THE aforementioned Halloween on gender who was shot and who was kissed), this was somewhat of a disaster and any THERE is nothing like a bit of pressure to Resurrection must take the prize for the worst concept of social standing went out the window with the replacement yo-yo. focus the mind, but I think I’ve learned my supposedly ‘horror’ film I have ever had the Dissatisfied with the decree of parents, LATW decided to make its own weapons: if it was lesson now…… actually I really doubt it… bad fortune to see. How do you rescue a not possible to inflict damage of theeau variety on friends then it would just have to be but hey. The only other annoying thing is failing teen-horror film series? Combine catapults, pea-shooters and any other sort of home-made kit to create something more of a that I have to try and figure out how to exit it with the most overused TV format ever dangerous harmful effect on other children. a locked building with a campus card that – reality TV! Safe to say, some astonishingly Before the days of the internet, LATW would like is snapped in the corner just making the bad teen actors, a haunted house, lots of TV to think that children were a little more resourceful. metallic strip in operable! cameras made for an absolutely terrible Whereas now it is possible to wander onto eBay or the such- Before the holidays I said that I would tell movie that was something like Big Brother like and purchase a powerful catapult or pea-shooter from you my poem that I wrote for Stalker Kate. crossed with Scream. some unsuspecting adult, in those days a child was left with Well here it is. Now I’m not that good with THOSE who head home during the holidays nothing but their imagination, their ingenuity and a block poetry, and I did try and rebel to start with will probably be unfamiliar with the of wood. any write something like “Roses are white, concept of closure week. This takes place And so it was LATW found itself collecting elastic Violets are violet”… but it wasn’t going at predictable times, such as between bands to deliver the sling-shot action and creeping anywhere…. So here is my final tribute to Christmas and New Year, but this holiday, downstairs in the middle of the night to procure large knives Stalker Kate: the unfortunate late timing of Easter meant from the kitchen. Sure enough, after some serious chiselling away, the Roses are Red, that although closure week was over the arm of the catapult started to take shape: all that was need now were the ‘bullets’ and Violets are Blue, holiday weekend, it was also in the very some way of making a suitably elastic sling-shot. Your watching Me, last week of the holidays. Now, despite the The latter was easily solved: nip in the father’s shed, take out the soldering iron, apply a And I’m scared of You. good intentions of lecturers, I know very bit of heat here and there to the elastic bands and hey presto: a suitably taut and stretchy AHHHHH isn’t that sweet… just like this few people who actually do their work when sling-shot, complete with cradle to house the missiles before shooting. really nice bee I saw the other day. Now you it’s set, and for the majority of my final year The missiles caused a little more of a problem. Not being content with small wooden know that most bees have yellow and black friends, the last week of the holidays saw balls, and remembering the ideas of replicating as harmful a weapon as possible as the bottoms? Well this bee had a deep reddy the typical mad rush to finish projects and Gun That Was Not Allowed Be It Water Or Not, small metal ball-bearings were soon made orange bottom! How cool was that! Don’t dissertations. But suddenly – there was no using various grinding tools, a metal-sander and a compliant mechanic at the local garage worry, I know that in nature animals with library, postal delivery, bookshop or One (bought off for completing his son’s coursework tasks). red on are poisonous, so I didn’t try and eat Stop to fuel those hard earned breaks and Thus it transpired that there was a fully working, but much more importantly dangerous it. I just took a couple of photos instead… more importantly, no Union or Chancellors catapult ready to inflict bruises of the most yellow nature on any individual who dared to Right. I am now going to snatch a few in which to seek refuge! Surely whoever address the delicate situation of a lack of water-pistol. hours sleep before I come back and put the decided when Easter was could have been a Before setting out to use said catapult, though, looking on the work-bench soon revealed finishing touches to this masterful project of little more considerate and put it right in the that the armoury that had been collected in order to make the weapon was much more vast mine! chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter middle of the holidays?! ‘ickle sarah b and much more dangerous than the catapult could ever be: kitchen knives, soldering irons, ball bearings, angle-grinder, metal-sander etc. All that was really required was a very long Upside-down answers extension lead and terror could be wielded amongst the neighbourhood’s children as freely as Avon ladies. WWTBAM: [£100: b]; [£200: c]; [£300: d]; [£500: a]; [£1k: b]; [£2k: Which brings us back to the amnesty. Though not technically weapons b]; [£4k: b]; [£8k: d]; [£16k: c]; [£32k: a]; [£64k: c]; [£125k: b]; as such, LATW felt that to own such ‘tools’ when it was plausible they [£250k: c]; [£500k: b]; [£1m: a]. could be used to inflict harm was not on and that to surrender them, along with the catapult, was the right thing to do. A funny thing happened when LATW went to the police station, mind: in the cue behind stood a man in some sort of army uniform with a beret and moustache. He looked to be in somewhat of a hurry and when it came to putting down his weapons, he simply handed over a map with lots of little red crosses on it. Intrigued by this – and given the commonality of out visits to the police station – LATW approached the man and asked if he wanted to go for a drink. He declined, saying he had to meet some friends of his, whom he would only name as Mr Lucan, Elvis, Robert Maxwell and some chap called Dirty Den in an apparently secret location in South America. LATW presumes these to be nicknames and offers no explanation of the man, who called himself ‘Bob.’ Suffice to say, it is just relieved to have handed over its weapons.

1 May 2003 SPORT & STARS 23 Mountain walking society acting a bit shifty in Cornwall

BY MIKE FIELD town called Lizard just beyond Lizard point but the Pasties were baked some someone AN EARLY DEPARTURE on Friday in the minibus called Sandy, who we didn’t meet, but she that hadn’t been cleaned since our last trip makes very fine pasties, if you ever have to Exmoor meant that the journey into the the good fortune of meeting her. We retired deepest darkest depths of Cornwall (Truro) to the pub in the evening, for dinner and was relatively painless, and completed refreshment. The local bitter was sampled; mostly in daylight hours, even allowing time Gerrans bitter, it wasn’t recommended by for dinner, in the always-delightful-ever- the Barman, and it tasted a bit crap. At which famous-for-affordable-good-quality-food point the Barman informed me, it wasn’t Burger King at the service station. even made in Gerrans, but was produced We arrived at the rather quaint miniature by an anonymous mass-production brewery. caravans sadly just a little past closing time The food was very, very nice though. at the local pub. Evan, Mike and Jamie Sunday provided even more entertainment, promptly set about trying to figure out how with a brief detour through Camelford, the taps worked in the caravan. Eventually to see if we could spot any of Jonathan’s the conclusion was reached that the water ancestors, followed by a walk of the wasn’t connected to the caravans, at which coastline surrounding Tintagel. Lunchtime point we sat around and drank Tesco value coincided fortunately with a brief rest on a almost accurate astrology tea until early in the morning…. hidden beach in a small cove. Mike and Pete A fine breakfast was cooked by celebrity bravely (foolishly) decided to go for a swim because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive chef Jamie “Oliver” Newman, and Mike in the sea, and came to the conclusion that Aquarius Despite the constant Leo Ignoring the fact that burned substantial quantities of toast. it’s still pretty cold in March. references to going home for having rolls of toilet paper in When sufficient grease had been consumed, Heading home we realised how lucky we Easter, your decision to remain your room is a fair indication we started walking along the beautiful were to have some amazing weather in one at university over the holiday of how you spend your vacant Cornwall coastline, a mixture of spectacular of the most beautiful areas of the country. period will result in your mother cutting hours, stuffing used toilet paper down the cliff faces, to shale beaches and tiny fishing If you would like to join mountain walking, st down her weekly phone call time to you. cardboard tube is positively not on and poor towns not yet spoilt by the 21 century and please visit our website, www.mountainw Which is a relief to you. practise. Either use your pocket, find the the tourist industry. Strong sunshine and alking.org.uk, email us at mountainwalki bin or flush it down the toilet. a strong breeze made for perfect walking [email protected] or just turn up to one of Pisces Try to be a little more weather. Naturally, some Cornish pasties our meetings in the TB foyer at 1pm on positive. For example, “don’t Virgo You will recognise a were purchased and consumed, in a small Wednesdays. mind if I do” can become “do famous semi-famous person mind if I don’t.” People will walking down the street and appreciate this turn around in your outlook decide that, despite not really Surrey rocks the dancing world and offer you many more invitations to being a fan, it is worth going up to try and parties that are certainly “not bad” and get an autograph. The ‘celebrity’ will be BY NATALIE CROPP perhaps even “really very good.” happy to accommodate your request, but a little less happy to sign the used tissue, LAST SUNDAY SURREY Ballroom Dancing Aries Realising that the complete with snot globule. Society went off to Watford to take on the Guildford Four were responsible best of the rest at the national Inter Varsity for the famous attacks on the Libra You will develop a Dance Competition (IVDC). We had 15 very town in which you have strange urge to talk to your competitors entering both Modern and Latin been attending university for the last three friends in the language of a in the Beginners, Novice and Intermediate years is commendable, though a little late. tabloid newspaper headline categories. Fear not, most people still think that Mother writer. Pun away. The day got off to a great start in the made it into another quarterfinal this time Teresa was a fictional character. Modern section with the beginners couples for their Jive. In the Intermediate section Scorpio Developing the dancing beautifully in the waltz. Next up we had two couples that both held their own Taurus Having watched the research you have been were Siobhan and Tony who stormed into against stiff competition. In the Novice majority of the World Snooker working on for the majority the quarter final in their Intermediate section section Elena and Hiroshi got recalls for Championships over the last two of your school-life, you will and topping off the mornings success were their fab Cha and Jive, and Gemma and Nate and Norman in the Novice section, Luke danced their socks off to get a well- weeks, you will hear in your submit a proposal to the government’s nd head Willie Thorne and John Virgo being language development department for the who made it to the semi final with their deserved 2 place in their Novice section, overly-critical of your every action – this introduction of a 27th letter to the English stunning waltz and quickstep combination. Surrey’s biggest achievement of the day! despite the fact they were neither very good language. The only hurdle now is deciding Next up were the Latin sections, out came The competition ended with the team match snooker players or have a clue about your on a name for the new letter. the sexy costumes and on went the Surrey where our A Team made it into the semi finals degree subject. triumphs. The beginner couples did us in three of the dances, a great achievement Sagittarius Taking advice proud especially Melanie and Akhila who against some tough competition! Gemini Developing your from your Piscean friend, your technique for turning over pages decision to approach the object at Surrey. Next stop, Summer Session. of a broadsheet newspaper in the of your affection and ask them >> ski trip report Yes there’s still snow, and if riding the sun confines of your own bedroom on a date will result in a visit to the local drenched pistes in a T-shirt and shades must translate itself to a real-life situation: pharmacy to purchase a suitable deodorant. continued from back page doesn’t get your mouth watering then what buy yourself that travelcard and climb on Let us hope the activity during the date will four feet off the snow, the supposed captain will... the Central Line during the rush hour and require its anti-perspirent qualities. himself, yours truly, still managed to come see how you fare. off with a broken collar bone. Nice. Was it Capricorn Before sitting down really all worth it? Hell yeah! Cancer Drinking from cans to revise for your exams, take A special mention has to go out to our of carbonated drink that have a moment to mark the syllabus resident old-skool Bulgarian, who while been purchased from a dodgy of each of your module in red sunning himself, watching the countries newsagents/food vendors and ink and hand them back to your lecturers. finest prepare their skis and squeeze into have ‘trink’ written on their side and the This is likely to have a detrimental effect their tight, camp, race suits, went on to beat ingredients in an indistinguishable language on your exam marks but will give you good most of them and get into the top 25 for GS is not the best way of achieving your “5-a- grounding in the academic appeal. (Giant Slalom). Nice one Vasco! day” portions of fruit and vegetables. That WARNING: ASTROLOGY OF ANY SORT MAY Well, yet another awesome week away said, neither are tins of soup. SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH r.w. from Guildford for the Ski and Board Club 24 1 May 2003 SURREY PRIDE Slingers at it again with Ultimate victory at UEA

THE UNIVERSITY’S VERY own Ultimate frisbee BY TREVOR ASKWITH team has done it again this time winning a full tournament at the University of East faced, once more, Lemour D. A stunning Anglia (UEA). With many of the country’s performance by blue meant retribution was best teams concentrating on the regional’s had and they came out eventual winners Surrey took two good teams to Norwich with a last minute juggling catch to avoid with hopes high for a top four place. sudden death. Winning the final game On the first day we found Surrey red in against Brunel University put Surrey blue the same pool as favourites mythago, and an impressive fifth out of 14 teams. Surrey blue in the same group as the strong Surrey red’s first game was a very tough and experienced Lemour D, so a tough first match against Lemour D. Having watched day beckoned. The red’s first match against them play Surrey blue the first day Surrey mythago was a close loss 9-6, but gave red knew just what they were up against. the confidence for the remaining matches, Lemour D looked very worse for ware after beating a UEA team and one from a new the celebrations of the night before and this Birmingham university team. The blue’s too helped red to victory setting them up for lost against the top seeds in their group, but a rematch against mythago. The game of like the red’s won their remaining matches. the tournament ensued with Surrey finally Winning the crossovers, both the red and overcoming their opposition to win a place blue teams put themselves into the top half in the final. The prior game seemed to take for the second day. it out of Surrey red and the final against the Above: Alumni, staff and students who came together on Wednesday 19th March to play for The Friend’s The tough seedings for both Surrey teams UEA team who finished third in our group, Cup at Farnham Golf Club as part of the Surrey Alumni Society’s annual golf meeting. The student team were carried into the second day where was a scrappy affair. After red took an early captained by Kevin Little (and joined by a few staff players) not only won back the cup, but also Law Surrey blue found themselves facing the lead tiredness and errors set in leading to a student Rhys Twomey won the Carew Smith Longest Drive Flask. Pictured l to r: David Gray, Richard top seeds mythago. A victory for blue would final of attrition. Never letting the early lead Kennett (Alumni Captain), Rhys Twomey and Kevin Little (Student Captain) Photo: Jane Cohen have set the course for a Surrey-Surrey semi slip, Surrey red came out eventual winners for participation fees payers and £50 for final. Unfortunately it was not to be and 14-10. Winning the final gave Surrey their >> Colours ball info everyone else, this includes transport to after a difficult game followed with mythago second tournament victory in as many On Friday 16th May it is the 30th Annual the venue, 4 course dinner, wine, vodka finally winning hands down. Blue then months, as well as a huge trophy. Colours ball – a formal dinner and dance to luge, entertainments, and a free photo. The celebrate sport at Surrey. All are welcome, coaches leave for Savill Court at 6pm, and and tickets are now on sale at the Student’s the event finishes at 2am!! It’s one of the 2000 students, one ski resort and too Union reception between 12-4pm (mon best nights of the year so don’t miss out!! – fri). They are the bargain price of £45 [email protected] many bars: the annual ski trip

WE ARRIVE IN les Deux Alpes greeted with BY ANDY FARRELL the sun shining, more snow than you can imagine for April and we count the some our mark with some legendary turbo-shandy thirty plus coaches which have carried fuelled table top dancing, although not all the two thousand who were ready for appreciated Barry’s rather friendly grass BUSC ’03. With all these ingredients from snake. With the first days skiing ahead, we Southampton to Strathclyde, the British decided to head back for a couple hours Universities Snowsports Championships sleep, well, pole dancing till gone 4am really were ready to rock! Now, traditionally, this takes it out of you! annual event is focused around competing in The week’s ‘Apres Ski’ program varied both racing and freestyle events. However, from the Beach Party through to riding the with only 600 of the 2000 down to actually bucking bronco in the rodeo bar, but by far compete we had other plans... the favourite was the Bling bling night. Caps It was all go from the first night, with and visors skewed to the side, sleeveless the ‘Tequila Stuntmen’ flying, let’s just hoodies two sizes too big and so much say they hit the sinuses and leave the trashy metal round your neck, Mr T would eyes stinging...and involve tequila, nuff be jealous! said. Despite a modest ‘Surrey Pride’ One could be forgiven for thinking there representation, with a couple of guest wasn’t much skiing/boarding achieved, members, it didn’t take long for us to make however that was far from the case. Not so much kept down on the white stuff itself it has to be said, just check out Stav’s tasty ‘mute grab’-don’t ask where they get the names for these tricks. With a much needed dump of fresh snow half way through the week, the aim of the game was making tracks in the untouched powder. Confidence grew, too much on occasion, some pretty extreme escapes were required when we would find ourselves considering rock climbing ahead of skiing as a way of getting back down the mountain. All was going well. That was until the last afternoon where we decided to try out rails in the snow park. Even though the rails were no more than continued on inside page