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WHIM -WHAMS AND OPINIONS

OF

LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ.

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AND OTHERS.

In hoc est hoax, cum quiz et jokesez, Et smokem, toastfm, roastem folksez, Fee, faw, fum. Psalmcmatar.

With baked, and broiled, and stewed, and toasted, And fried, and boiled, and smoked and roasted, We treat the town.

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PK1NTED AND PUBLISHED BY J. LIMBIRD, 143, STRAND,

(Near Somerset /Joit.se.)

1824. ^%u

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? 1 PREFACE

The early productions of men of genius always possess a peculiar interest, and not unfrequently a freshness and an originality which do not belong to their more matured works. We do not mean to contend that this is the case with the following essays which were principally, if not entirely, written by Washington Irving, since so well known to the public by the " Sketch Book," " Bracebridge Hall/' and the " Tales of a Traveller."

Mr. Irving is a native of the United States of America, and he has been singularly fortunate in removing the prejudices which existed against the literary talents of his countrymen. It is but a few years ago that our critics all spoke of American literature with a sneer, and as totally unworthy of notice ; indeed it was treated with so much contempt, that persons unac- quainted with the productions of the American press might be led to doubt that it yielded any thing better than a newspaper essay, or the calculations of an almanack. This ignorance, and this prejudice, have alike vanished before

the talents of Mr. Irving ; it is true that some novels which displayed consi-

derable genius reached England before Mr. Irving's " Sketch Book," but it

was the latter work which first called the public attention to the infant re-

public of letters in the United States ; and it is but justice to say, that England has made the amende honorable by a frank and honest acknowledgement of

its claims.

Although Mr. Irving more nearly approaches the style of our own admired

Goldsmith, than any living writer, yet he has been educated in a different

school. Mr. Irving's style is, perhaps, purely American ; its ground-work

is, no doubt, English, but the legends of the Dutch, the rude disposition of

the Indian, and the romantic scenery of his native land, have all had their

influence over him. The forte of Mr. Irving lies in description, and his de-

lineations are at once bold, spirited, and faithful. In the portraying of scenes

ol low life, or of ludicrous situations, he is peculiarly happy, nor is he de- VI PREFACE.

iicient in scenes of the tender and pathetic ; there is a freedom in his sketches which shows how naturally they are produced, and a delicacy which proves that they emanate from a well regulated mind.

The " Salmagundi " was the first literary effort of Mr. Irving, and although it was sometime before it crossed the Atlantic, yet from the moment of its publication it was a great favourite in the United States, where it was sup- posed to be the joint efforts of several literati. On the merits of these sprightly essays it is unnecessary to dwell, since they have been recognized and acknowledged in both hemispheres. It may, however, be necessary to state, that the new edition now offered to the public, though more elegantly printed and embellished than those that have preceded it, is published at half the price of the cheapest. 1 —

CONTENTS.

Page. Pag?:. No. 1 Editor's Advertisement 1 No. 5.—Introduction to a Letter from Introduction to the Work ... 2 Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan 24 Theatrics—by Will Wizard 5 Letter from Mustapha to Abdallah New-York Assembly—by A. Ever- Eb'n al Rahab - 25 green ----- 6 Account of Will Wizard's Expedition No. 2 Launcelot Langstaff's Account to a Modern Ball—by A. Ever- of his Friends 8 green - 29 Mr. Wilson's Concert—by A. Ever- Poetical Epistle to the Ladies—from green ....-- 10 the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. 31 Some Account of Pindar Cockloft - 11 No. 6.—Account of the Family of the Poetical Address from Pindar Cockloft 13 Cocklofts-' - 32 Advertisement - - - - ib. Theatrics—by William Wizard, Esq. 37 No. 3.—Account of Mustapha Rub-a- No. 7 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a- dub Keli Khan - - - !4 dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem 40 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Poetical Account of Ancient Times Khan to Asem Hacchem - - 15 from the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Fashions—by A. Evergreen - - - 17 Esq 44 Fashionable Morning-Dress for Walk- Notes on the above—by Will Wizard,

ing - - - - - 18 Esq. . 45 The Progress of Salmagundi - - ib. No. 8—Anthony Evergreen's Account Poetical Proclamation—from the Mill of his friend LangstafF 4(i of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. - - 20 On Style—by William Wizard, Esq. 40 No. 4 Some Account of Jeremy Cock- The Editors and the Public loft the younger - - - 2 No. 9. — Account of Miss Charity Cock- Memorandums for a Tour to be enti- loft tled " The Stranger in New- From the Elbow-Chair of the Author Jersey, or Cockney Travelling," Letter from Rub-a-dub Keli Khan to by Jeremy Cockloft the younger 22 Asem Hacchem - 57 CONTENTS.

Page. Poetry—from the Mill of Pindar Cock- No. 15—Sketches from Nature—by A. loft, Esq 60 Evergreen, Gent. - - - 100 No. 10.—Introduction to the Number - 61 On Greatness—by L. LangstafF, Esq. 103 Letter from Demi-Semiquaver to No. 16—Style at Ballston—by W. Launcelot LangstafF, Esq. 62 Wizard, Esq 107 Note by the Publisher - 64 From Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan No. 11.—Letter from Mustapha Rub-a- to Asem Hacchem - - - 110 dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem 65 No. 17 — Autumnal Reflections — by Account of " Mine Uncle John" 69 Launcelot LangstafF, Esq. - 113 No. 12.— Christopher Cockloft's Com- Description of the Library at Cockloft pany - 72 Hall—by L. LangstafF, Esq. - 116 The Stranger at Home, or a Tour in Chap. CIX. of the Chronicles of the Broadway—by Jeremy Cockloft Renowned and Ancient City of the younger - Gotham 118 Introduction to Pindar Cockloft's Poem No. 18 The Little Man in Black—by A Poem—from the Mill of Pindar Launcelot LangstafF, Esq. - 121 Cockloft, Esq. - Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub No. 13.—Introduction to Will Wizard's Keli Khan to Muley Helim al Plans for Defending our Harbour Raggi - - - - - 128 " Plans for Defending our Harbour" Anthony Evergreen's Introduction to —by William Wizard, Esq. the " Winter Campaign" - - 132 A Retrospect, or " What you Will" Tea, a Poem—from the Mill of Pin- To Readers and Correspondents dar Cockloft, Esq. - - - 134 No. 14.—Letter from Mustapha Rub-a- No. 20 On the New Year - - - 136 dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem To the Ladies—from A. Evergreen, Cockloft Hall—by L. LangstafF Gent 139 Theatrical Intelligence—by William Farewell Address - - - - 142 Wizard, Esq salmagundi;

OR, THE WHIM-WHAMS AND OPINIONS

OF LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. AND OTHERS.

In hoc est hoax, cum quiz et jokesez, Et smokem, toastein, roastem, folksez. Fee, faw, fum. PsalmanazaR.

With bak'd, and broil'd, and stewed, and toasted, And fried, and boil'd, and smok'd, and roasted, We treat the town.

ill-will between at No. 1. that there should be any us the commencement of our acquaintance. SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807. Our intention is simply to instruct the As every body knows, or ought to know, young, reform the old, correct the town, and what a Salmagundi is, we shall spare our- castigate the age : this is an arduous task, selves the trouble of an explanation ; besides, and, therefore, we undertake it with confi- we despise trouble as we do every thing that is dence. We intend for this purpose to present low and mean—and hold the man who would a striking picture of the town ; and as every incur it unnecessarily, as an object worthy body is anxious to see his own phiz on canvass, our highest pity and contempt. Neither will however stupid or ugly it may be, we have

we puzzle our heads to give an account of our- no doubt but the whole town will flock t,o

selves, for two reasons ; first, because it is our exhibition. Our picture will necessarily

nobody's business ; secondly, because if it include a vast variety of figures ; and Should were, we do not hold ourselves bound to any any lady or gentleman be displeased with the

body's business but our own ; and even that inveterate truth of their likenesses, they may

we take the liberty of neglecting when it suits ease their spleen by laughing at those of their our inclination. To these we might add a neighbours—this being what toe understand third, that very few men can give a tolerable by poetical justice. account of themselves, let them try ever so Like all true and able Editors, we consider

hard ; but this reason, we candidly avow, ourselves infallible ; and, therefore, with the would not hold good with ourselves. customary diffidence of our brethren of the There are, however, two or three pieces of quill, we shall take the liberty of interfering information which we bestow gratis on the in all matters either of a public or private

public, chiefly because it suits our own plea- nature. We are critics, amateurs, diletanti,

sure and convenience that they should be and cognoscenti ; and as we know " by the known, and partly because we do not wish pricking of our thumbs," that every opinion B 1 ——:

2 SALMAGUNDI.

which we may advance in either of those to spare its worthy inhabitants the trouble of characters will be correct, we are determined, making a thousand wise conjectures, not one though it may be questioned, cratradicted, or of which would be worth a " tobacco-stopper," even controverted, yet it shall never be re- we have thought it in some degree a necessary voked. exertion of charitable condescension to furnish We beg the public particularly to under- them with a slight clue to the truth. stand, that we solicit no patronage. We are Before we proceed further, however, we determined, on the contrary, that the patronage advise every body—man, woman, and child shall be entirely on our side. We have no- that can read, or get any friend to read for thing to do with the pecuniary concerns of them, to purchase this paper; not that we write for the paper : its success will yield us neither money, for, in common with all phi-

pride nor profit ; nor will its failure occasion losophical wiseacres, from Solomon down- to us either loss or mortification. We advise wards, we hold it in suprame contempt. The the public, therefore, to purchase our num- public are welcome to buy this work or not, bers merely for their own sakes ; if they do just as they choose. If it be purchased not, let them settle the affair with their con- freely, so much the better for the public — sciences and posterity. and the publisher ; we gain not a stiver. If To conclude, we invite all editors of news- it be not purchased, we give fair warning papers and literary journals to praise us we shall burn all our essays, critiques, and heartily in advance, as we assure them that epigrams, in one promiscuous blaze ; and, like we intend to deserve their praises. To our the books of the sybils and the Alexandrian next door neighbour, " Town,"* we hold out library, they will be lost for ever to posterity. a hand of amity, declaring to him that, after For the sake, therefore, of our publisher, for curs, his paper will stand the best chance for the sake of the public, and for the sake of the immortality. We proffer an exchange of public's children to the nineteenth, generation, we advise them to civilities ; he shall furnish us with notices of purchase our paper. We epic poems and tobacco—and we, in return, beg the respectable old matrons of this city will enrich him with original speculations on not to be alarmed at the appearance we make all manner of subjects, together with " the we are none of those outlandish geniuses who rummaging of my grandfather's mahogany swarm in New York, who live by their wits, chest of drawers," " the life and amours of or rather by the little wit of their neighbours, mine uncle John," anecdotes of the Cockloft and who spoil the genuine honest American family," and learned quotations from that tastes of their daughters with French slops unheard of writer of folios, Linkum FideHus. and fricasseed sentiment.

We have said we do not write for money ; neither do we write for fame. We know too FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF well the variable nature of public opinion, to

LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. build our hopes upon it : we care not what

the public think of us ; and we suspect, We were a considerable time in deciding be- fore we reach the tenth number, will not whether we should be at the pains of intro- they know what to think of us. In words ducing ourselves to the public. As we care two we write for no other earthly purpose to for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, but please ourselves ; and this we shall be sure we do not feel bound to hold up our hands of doing, for we are all three of us determined and answer to our names. beforehand to be pleased with what we write. Willing, however, to gain at once that If in the course of this work we edify, and frank, confidential footing, which we are cer- instruct, and amuse the public, so much the tain of ultimately possessing in this, doubt- better for the public; but we frankly acknow- less, " best of all possible cities ;" and anxious ledge, that so soon as we get tired of reading * The title of a newspaper published in New York, our own works, we shall discontinue them the columns of which, among other miscellaneous without the least remorse, whatever the public topics, occasionally contained strictures on the per- formances at the theatre.— Ed. may think of it. While we continue to go —

SALMAGUNDI.

and even grand- on, we will go on merrily ; if we moralize, it thers, uncles, and aunts, shall be but seldom ; and on all occasions we dames, of all the belles of the present day shall be more solicitous to make our readers provided the' r pedigrees extend so far back laugh than cry—for we are laughing philoso- without being lost in obscurity. As, how- phers, and clearly of opinion, that wisdom, ever, treating of pedigrees is rather an un- true wisdom, is a plump jolly dame, who sits grateful task in this city, and as we mean to in her arm-chair, laughs right merrily at the be perfectly good-natured, he has promised farce of life, and takes the world as it goes. to be cautious in this particular. He recol- We intend particularly to notice the con- lects perfectly the time when young ladies duct of the fashionable world ; —nor in this used to go a sleigh -riding, at night, without shall we be governed by that carping spirit their mammas or grand-mammas ; in short, with which narrow-minded book-worm cynics without being matronized at all ; and can squint at the little extravagances of the ton ; relate a thousand pleasant stories about Kis- but with that liberal toleration which actuates sing-bridge.* He likewise remembers the every man of fashion. While we keep more time when ladies paid tea-visits at three in than a Cerberus watch over the golden rules the afternoon, and returned before dark to see of female delicacy and decorum—we shall not that the house was shut up, and the servants discourage any little sprightliness of demea- on duty. He has often played cricket in the nour, or innocent vivacity of character. Before orchard in the rear of old Vauxhall, and re-. we advance one line further, we must let it members when the Bull's-head was quite out be understood, as our firm opinion, void of of town. Though he has slowly and gradu- all prejudice or partiality, that the ladies ally given in to modern fashions, and still of New-York are the fairest, the finest, the flourishes in the beaic-monde, yet he seems a most accomplished, the most bewitching, the little prejudiced in favour of the dress and most ineffable beings, that walk, creep, crawl, manners of the old school ; and his chief com- swim, fly, float, or vegetate, in any or all of mendation of a new mode is, " that it is the

the four elements ; and that they only want same good old fashion we had before the war." to be cured of certain whims, eccentricities, It has cost us much trouble to make him

and unseemly conceits, by our superintend- confess that a cotillon is superior to a ing cares, to render them absolutely perfect. minuet, or an unadorned crop to a pig-tail They will, therefore, receive a large portion and powder. Custom and fashion have, how-

of those attentions directed to the fashionable ever, had more effect on him than all our

world ; nor will the gentlemen who doze lectures; and he tempers, so happily, the away their time in the circles of the haut-ton, grave and ceremonious gallantry of the old

escape our currying : —we mean those silly school with the " hail fellow" familiarity of

fellows who sit stock-still upon their chairs, the new, that, we trust, on a little acquaint- without saying a word, and then complain ance, and making allowance for his old-

how damned stupid it was at Miss 's fashioned prejudices, he will become a very

party. considerable favourite with our readers; if This department will be under the peculiar not, the worse for themselves—as they will direction and control of Anthony Ever- have to endure his company. green, Gent, to whom all communications In the territory of criticism, William this on subject are to be addressed. This Wizard, Esq. has undertaken to preside ; gentleman, from his long experience in the and though we may all dabble in it a little by

routine of balls, tea-parties, and assemblies, turns, yet we have willingly ceded to him all is eminently qualified for the task he has * Amongst the amusements of the citizens, in undertaken. He is a kind of patriarch in times gone by, was that of making excursions in the the fashionable world, and has seen genera- winter evenings, on sleighs, to some neighbouring tion after generation pass away into the silent village, where the social party had a ball and supper. Kissing-bridge was so tomb of matrimony, while he remains un- denominated from the circum- stance that here the beaux exacted from their fair changeably the same. He can recount the companions the forfeiture of a kiss before permitting amours and covrtships of the father* mo. their travelling vehicles to pass over.— Edit. B 2 ;:

SALMAGUNDI.

discretionary powers in this respect. Though ders against the peace of society, the stage- Will has not had the advantage of an educa- critics, who not unfrequently create the fault tion at Oxford or Cambridge, or even at they find, in order to yield an opening for

Edinburgh or Aberdeen, and though he is their witticisms ; censure an actor for a gesture

but little versed in Hebrew, yet we have no he never made, or an emphasis he never gave doubt he will be found fully competent to the and, in their attempt to show off new readings, undertaking. He has improved his taste by make the sweet swan of Avon cackle like a a long residence abroad, particularly at Can- goose. If any one should feel himself of- ton, Calcutta, and the gay and polished court fended by our remarks, let him attack us of Hayti. He has also had an opportunity of in return—we shall not wince from the com- seeing the best singing-girls and tragedians bat. If his passes be successful, we will be

of China ; is a great connoisseur in manda- the first to cry out, a hit! a hit! and we rin dresses, and porcelain, and particularly doubt not we shall frequently lay ourselves values himself on his intimate knowledge of open to the weapons of our assailants But the buffalo and war dances of the Northern let them have a care how they run a 'lting

Indians. He is likewise promised the assist- with us; they have to deal with stubborn ance of a gentleman, lately from London, foes, who can bear a world of pommelling

who was born and bred in that centre of sci- we will be relentless in our vengeance, and ence and bon gout, the vicinity of Fleet-market, will fight " till from our bones the flesh be where he has been edified, man and boy, these hack'd." six-and-twenty years, with the harmonious What other subjects we shall include in jingle of Bow-bells. His taste, therefore, has the range of our observations, we have not attained to such an exquisite pitch of refine- determined, or rather we shall not trouble ment, that there are few exhibitions of any ourselves to detail. The public have already kind which do not put him in a fever. He more information concerning us than we in- has assured Will, that if Mr. Cooper empha- tended to impart. We owe them no favours sises " and" instead of " but/'—or Mrs. —neither do we ask any. We again advise Oldmixon pins her kerchief a hair's-breadth them, for their own sakes, to read our papers awry—or Mrs. Darley offers to dare to look when they come out. We recommend to all less than the " daughter of a senator of Ve- mothers to purchase them for their daughters,

. nice,"—the standard of a senator's daughter who will be initiated into the arcana of the being exactly six feet—they shall all hear of bon ton, and cured of all those rusty old it in good time.—We have, however, advised notions which they acquired during the last Will Wizard to keep his friend in check, lest century: parents shall be taught how to by opening the eyes of the public to the govern their children, girls how to get hus-

, wretchedness of the actors, by whom they bands, and old maids how to do without have hitherto been entertained, he might cut them. off one source of amusement from our fellow- As we do not measure our wits by the yard citizens. We hereby give notice, that we have or bushel, and as they do not flow periodically taken the whole corps, from the manager in nor constantly, we shall not restrict our paper

his mantle of gorgeous copper-lace, to honest as to size or the time of its appearance. It John in his green coat and black breeches, will be published whenever we have suffi-

under our wing—and woe be unto him who cient matter to constitute a number ; and the injures a hair of their heads.—As we have no size of the number shall depend on the stock design against the patience of our fellow-citi- in hand. This will best suit our negligent zens, v/e shall not dose them with copious habits, and leave us that full liberty and in-

draughts of theatrical criticism: we know dependence which is the joy and pride of our that they have already been well physicked souls. As we have before hinted, that we do with them of late. Our theatrics shall take up not concern ourselves about the pecuniary

but a small part of our paper ; nor shall they matters of our paper, we leave its price to be be altogether confined to the stage, but extend regulated by our publisher; only recom- from time to time to those incorrigible offen- mending him, for his own interest, and the —; ;;

SALMAGUNDI.

honour of his authors, not to sell their invalu- seeing the " air drawn dagger," he always able productions too cheap. cut a prodigious high caper, and kicked his Is there any one who wishes to know more shoes into the pit at the heads of the critics about us?—let him read Salmagundi, and whereupon the audience were marvellously grow wise apace. Thus much we will say delighted, flourished their hands, and stroked there are three of us, " Bardolph, Peto, and their whiskers three times; and the matter

I," all townsmen good and true. Many a was carefully reported in the next number of time and oft have we three amused the town, a paper called the Flim Flam. ( English—

without its knowing to whom it was indebted Town.) and many a time have we seen the mid-night We were much pleased with Mrs. Villiers lamp twinkle faintly on our studious phizzes, in Lady Macbeth; but we think she would and heard the morning salutation of " past have given a greater effect to the night-scene, three o'clock," before we sought our pillows. if, instead of holding the candle in her hand,

The result of these midnight studies is now or setting it down on the table, which is saga- ciously censured neighbour Town, she had offered to the public ; and little as we care for by the opinion of this exceedingly stupid world, stuck it in her night-cap—This would have we shall take care, as far as lies in our care- been extremely picturesque, and would have less natures, to fulfil the promises made in marked more strongly the derangement of her mind. this introduction ; —if we do not, we shall have so many examples to justify us, that we Mrs. Villiers, however, is not by any means

feel little solicitude on that account. large enough for the character— Lady Mac- beth having been, in our opinion, a woman of

extraordinary size, and of the race of the THEATRICS, giants, notwithstanding what she says of her Containing the quintessence of Modem " little hand ;" which being said in her sleep Criticism. passes for nothing. We should be happy to BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. see this character in the hands of the lady who Macbeth was performed to a very crowded played Glumdalca, queen of the giants, in

house, and much to our satisfaction. As, Tom Thumb : she is exactly of imperial di- neighbour has however, our Town been very mensions ; and, provided she is well shaved, voluminous already in his criticisms on this of a most interesting physiognomy: as she play, we shall make but few remarks. Hav- appears also to be a lady of some nerve, I ing never seen Kemble in this character, we dare engage she will read a letter about are absolutely at a loss to say whether Mr. witches vanishing in air, and such common Cooper performed it well or not. We think, occurrences, without being unnaturally sur- however, there was an error in his costume, prised, to the annoyance of honest " Town." as the learned Linkum Fidelius is of opinion We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper that, in the time of Macbeth, the Scots did profits by the instructions of friend Town, not wear sandals but wooden shoes. Macbeth and does not dip the dagger in blood so deep also was noted for wearing his jacket open, as formerly by the matter of an inch or two. that he might play the Scotch fiddle more This was a violent outrage upon our im-

conveniently ; — that being an hereditary mortal bard. We differ with Mr. Town in accomplishment in the Glamis family. his reading of the words " this is a sorry We have seen this character performed in sight." We are of opinion the force of the China by the celebrated Chovj-Chow, the sentence should be thrown on the word sight Roscius of that great empire, who in the —because Macbeth having been, a short time dagger scene always electrified the audience before, most confoundedly humbugged with by blowing his nose like a trumpet. Chow- an aerial dagger, was in doubt whether the

Chow, in compliance with the opinion of the daggers actually in his hands were real, or sage Linkum Fidelius, performed Macbeth whether they were not mere shadows ; or as in wooden-shoes ; this gave him an opportu- the old English may have termed it, syghtes nity of producing great effect—for on first (this, at any rate, will establish our skill in B 3 —

SALMAGUNDI. new readings.) Though we differ in this half century of experience, would have been respect from our neighbour Town, yet we puzzled to point out the humours of a lady heartily agree with him in censuring Mr. by her prevailing colours; for the " rival Cooper for omitting that passage so remark, queens" of fashion, Mrs. Toole and Madame " able for beauty of imagery," &c, begin- Bouchard,* appeared to have exhausted their " ning with and pity like a new-born-babe," wonderful inventions in the different disposi- &c. It is one of those passages of Shake- tion, variation, and combination, of tints and speare which should always be retained, for shades. The philosopher who maintained the purpose of showing how some times that that black was white, and that, of course, there great poet could talk like a buzzard ; or, to was no such colour as white, might have speak more plainly, like the famous mad given some colour to his theory on this poet, Nat Lee. occasion, by the absence of poor forsaken As it is the first duty of a friend to advise; white muslin. I was, however, much pleased and as we profess, and do actually feel a to see that red maintains its ground against all friendship for honest " Town," we warn him, other colours, because red is the colour of never in his criticisms to meddle with a lady's Mr. Jefferson's *****, Tom Paine's nose, " petticoats," or to quote Nic Bottom. In and my slippers.f the first instance he may "catch a tartar;" Let the grumbling smellfungi of this world, and in the second, the ass's head may rise in who cultivate taste among books, cobwebs, judgment against him—and when it is once and spiders, rail at the extravagance of the afloat there is no knowing where some un- age; for my part, I was delighted with the lucky hand may place it. We would not magic of the scene, and as the ladies tripped for all the money in our pockets, see Town through the mazes of the dance, sparkling flourishing his critical quill under the auspi- and glowing and dazzling, I, like the honest ces of an ass's head, like the great Franklin Chinese, thanked them heartily for the jewels in his Montero Cap. and finery with which they loaded themselves, merely for the entertainment of bye-standers, and blessed my stars that I was a bachelor. NEW YORK ASSEMBLY. The gentlemen were considerably numer- ous, and being as usual equipt in their appro- BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. priate black uniforms, constituted a sable regiment, which The assemblies this year have gained a contributed not a little to the brilliant great accession of beauty. Several brilliant gaiety of the ball-room. I must confess stars have arisen from the east and from the I am indebted for this remark to our friend, the cockney, Mr. north, to brighten the firmament of fashion : 'Sbidlikens- among the number I have discovered another flash, or 'Sbidlikens, as he is called for shortness. He is a fellow of infinite planet, which rivals even Venus in lustre, and verbo- sity stands in high favour with himself I claim equal honour with Herschell for my — — like " discovery. I shall take some future opportu- and, Caleb Quotem, is up to every thing." I remember when a nity to describe this planet, and the numerous comfortable plump-looking citizen led into the room a fair satellites which revolve around it. damsel, who looked for all the world like At the last assembly the company hegan to personification of the rainbow, 'Sbidlikens make some show about eight, but the most the observed, that it reminded him of a fable, fashionable delayed their appearance until which he had read somewhere of the marriage about nine—nine being the number of the muses, and therefore the best possible hour * Two fashionable milliners of rival celebrity in the for beginning to exhibit the graces. (This — city of New-York—Edit. other is meant for a pretty display of words, and I f In this instance, as well as on several occa sions, a little innocent pleasantry is indulged at Mr assure my readers that I think it very toler- Jefferson's expense. The allusion made here is to able.) the red velvet small clothes with which the President, himself on Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I in defiance of good taste, used to attire hold in special consideration, even with his levee-days and other public occasions.—Edit, ;

SALMAGUNDI. of an honest -pains-taking snail — who had certainly did more. I have since been consi- once walked six feet in an hour, for a wager, derably employed in calculations on this sub- to a butterfly whom he used to gallant by ject ; and by the most accurate computation I the elbow, with the aid of much puffing and have determined, that a Frenchman passes at exertion On being called upon to tell where least three-fifths of his time between the hea- he had come across this story, 'Sbidlikens vens and the earth, and partakes eminently absolutely refused to answer. of the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. It would be but repeating an old story to One of these jack-o-lantern heroes, in taking say, that the ladies of New-York dance well a figure, which neither Euclid or Pythagoras and well may they, since they learn it scien- himself could demonstrate, unfortunately tifically, and begin their lessons before they wound himself—I mean his foot, his better have quitted their swaddling clothes. The part—into a lady's cobweb muslin robe ; but immortal Duport has usurped despotic sway perceiving it at the instant, he set himself a over all the female heads and heels in this spinning the other way, like a top, unravelled city; hornbooks, primers, and pianos are his step, without omitting one an^gle or curve, neglected to attend to his positions ; and poor and extrieated himself without breaking a

Chilton, with his pots and kettles and che- thread of the lady's dress ! he then sprung up mical crockery, finds him a more potent like a sturgeon, crossed his feet four times, enemy than the whole collective force of the and finished this wonderful evolution by " North-river Society." 'Sbidlikens insists quivering his left leg, as a cat does her paw that this dancing mania will inevitably con- when she has accidentally dipped it in water. tinue as long as a dancing-master will charge No man " of woman born," who was not a the fashionable price of five-and-twenty dol- Frenchman, or a mountebank, could have lars a quarter, and all the other accomplish- done the like. ments are so vulgar as to be attainable at Among the new faces, I remarked a bloom- M half the money;"—but I put no faith in ing nymph, who has brought a fresh supply 'Sbidlikens' candour in this particular. Among of roses from the country to adorn the wreath his infinitude of endowments he is but a poor of beauty, where lilies too much predominate. proficient in dancing; and though he often As I wish well to every sweet face under flounders through a cotillon, yet he never heaven, I sincerely hope her rosea may sur- cut a pigeon-wing in his life. vive the frosts and dissipations of winter, and In my mind there's no position more posi- lcse nothing by a comparison with the love- tive and unexceptionable than that most liest offerings of spring. 'Sbidlikens, to Frenchmen, dead or alive, are born dancers. whom I made similar remarks, assured me I came pounce upon this discovery at the that they were very just, and very prettily assembly, and I immediately noted it down exprest ; and that the lady in question was a in my register of indisputable facts — the prodigious fine piece of flesh and blood. Now public shall know all about it. As I never could I find it in my heart to baste these dance cotillons, holding them to be men- cockneys like their own roast -beef—they can strous distorters of the human frame, and make no distinction between a fine woman tantamount in their operations to being broken and a fine horse. and dislocated on the wheel, I generally take I would praise the sylph-like grace with occasion, while they are going on, to make which another young lady acquitted herself my remarks on the company. In the course in the dance, but that she excels in far more of these observations I was struck with the valuable accomplishments. Who praises the

energy and eloquence of sundry limbs, which rose for its beauty, even though it is beau-

seemed to be flourishing about without ap- tiful ? pertaining to any body. After much investi- The company retired at the customary gation and difficulty, I, at length, traced them hour to the supper-room, were the tables to their respective owners, whom I found to were laid out with their usual splendour and be all Frenchmen to a man. Art may have profusion. My friend, 'Sbidlikens, with the meddled somewhat in these affairs, but nature native forethought of a cockney, had carefully ;

8 SALMAGUNDI.

stowed his pocket with cheese and crackers, satisfactory in his details ; and it was highly that he might not be tempted again to venture amusing to hear how different characters were his limbs in the crowd of hungry fair ones tickled with different passages. The old who throng the supper-room door : his pre- folks were delighted to find there was a bias ;" caution was unnecessary, for the company in our junto towards the " good old times entered the room with surprising order and and he particularly noticed a worthy old gen- decorum. No gowns were torn—no ladies tleman of his acquaintance, who had been fainted—no noses bled—nor was there any somewhat of a beau in his day, whose eyes need of the interference of either managers or brightened at the bare mention of Kissing- peace-officers. bridge. It recalled to his recollection several of his youthful exploits, at that celebrated pass, on which he seemed to dwell with great

No. 2. pleasure and self-complacency : he hoped, he

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1807. said, that the bridge might be preserved for the benefit of posterity, and as a monument FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF of the gallantry of their grandfathers ; and LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. even hinted at the expediency of erecting a

In the conduct of an epic poem, it has been toll-gate there, to collect the forfeits of the the custom, from time immemorial, for the ladies. But the most flattering testimony of poet occasionally to introduce his reader to an approbation, which our work has received, intimate acquaintance with the heroes of his was from an old lady, who never laughed but story, by conducting him into their tents, and once in her life, and that was at the conclu- giving him an opportunity of observing them sion of the last war. She was detected by in their night-gown and slippers. However, friend Anthony in the very fact of laughing I despise the servile genius that would de- most obstreperously at the description of the scend to follow a precedent, though furnished little dancing Frenchman. Now it glads my by Homer himself, and consider him as on a very heart to find our effusions have such a par with the cart that follows at the heels of pleasing effect. I venerate the aged, and joy whenever it is in my power to scatter a few the horse, without ever taking the lead ; yet at the present moment my whim is opposed flowers in their path. to my opinion, and whenever this is the case, The young people were particularly inter- my opinion generally surrenders at discretion. ested in the account of the assembly. There I am determined, therefore, to give the town was some difference of opinion respecting the new planet, and the blooming from a peep into our divan ; and I shall repeat it nymph

as often as I please, to show that I intend to the country ; but as to the compliment paid be sociable. to the fascinating little sylph who danced so The other night Will Wizard and Ever- gracefully, every lady modestly took that to green called upon me, to pass away a few herself. hours in social chat, and hold a kind of coun- Evergreen mentioned also that the young to learn the cil of war. To give a zest to our evening I ladies were extremely anxious uncorked a bottle of London particular, whicli true mode of managing their beaux; and has grown old with myself, and which never Miss Diana Wearwell, who is as chaste as winters fails to excite a smile in the countenances of an icicle, has seen a few superfluous slain my old cronies, to whom alone it is devoted. pass over her head, and boasts of having old maids After some little time the conversation turned her thousands, wished to know how not that she on the effect produced by our first number were to do without husbands— " every one had his budget of information, and I was very curious about the matter, she only assure my readers that we laughed most uncere- asked for information." Several ladies ex- pressed their earnest desire that we would not moniously at their expense— : they will excuse us for our merriment 'tis a way we've got. spare those wooden gentlemen who perform

Evergreen, who is equally a favourite and the parts of mutes, or stalking horses in their

companion of young and old, was particularly drawing-rooms ; and their mothers were ;

SALMAGUNDI.

equally anxious that we would show no day, and every minute of the hour ; but he quarter to those lads of spirit, who now and often commits petty larcenies on the poets- then cut theii hottles to enliven a tea-party plucks the grey hairs of old Chaucer's head, with the humours of the dinner-table. and claps them on the chin of Pope; and Will Wizard was not a little chagrined at filches Johnson's wig, to cover the bald pate of " having been mistaken for a gentleman, who Homer ; but his blunders pass undetected by is no more like me," said Will, " than 1 like one half of his hearers. Ding-dong, it is Hercules."—" I was well assured," conti- true, though he has long wrangled at our bar, nued Will, '-< that as our characters were cannot boast much of his legal knowledge, drawn from nature, the originals would be nor does his forensic eloquence entitle him to found in every society. And so it has hap- rank with a Cicero or a Demosthenes ; but pened—every little circle has its 'Sbidlikens ; bating his professional deficiencies, he is a and the cockney, intended merely as the re- man of most delectable discourse, and can presentative of his species, has dwindled into hold forth for an ihour upon the colour of a an insignificant individual, who, having re- riband, or the construction of a work-bag. cognised his own likeness, has foolishly ap- Ding-dong is now in his fortieth year, or propriated to himself a picture for which he perhaps a little more—rivals all the little never sat. Such, too, has been the case with beaux in town, in his attention to the ladies Ding-dong, who has kindly undertaken to be —is in a state of rapid improvement; and my representative; not that I care much there is no doubt but that, by the time he about the matter, for it must be acknowledged arrives at years of discretion, he will be that the animal is a good-natured animal a very accomplished, agreeable young fel- enough, and what is more, a fashionable ani- low."—I advise all clever, good-for-nothing mal—and this is saying more than to call " learned and authentic gentlemen," to take him a conjuror. But, I am much mistaken care how they wear this cap, however well it if he can claim any affinity to the Wizard fits ; and to bear in mind that our characters family Surely every body knows Ding- are not individuals, but species : if, after this dong, the gentle Ding-dong, who pervades all warning, any person chooses to represent Mr. space, who is here and there and every where Ding-dong, the sin is at his own door—we no tea-party can be complete without Ding- wash our hands of it. dong, and his appearance is sure to occasion a We all sympathized with Wizard, that he smile. Ding-dong has been the occasion of should be mistaken for a person so very dif- much wit in his day ; I have even seen many ferent ; and I hereby assure my readers, that puny whipsters attempt to be dull at his ex- William Wizard is no other person in the pense, who were as much inferior to him as whole world but William Wizard ; so I beg the gad- fly is to the ox that he buzzes about. I may hear no more conjectures on the sub-

Does any witling want to distress the com- ject. Will is, in fact, a wiseacre by inhe- pany with a miserable pun ? nobody's name ritance. The Wizard family has long been presents sooner than Ding-dong's ; and it celebrated for knowing more than their neigh- has been played upon with equal skill and bours, particularly concerning their neigh- equal entertainment to the bye-standers as bours' affairs. They were anciently called

Trinity-bells. Ding-dong is profoundly de- Josselin; but Will's great uncle, by the voted to the ladies, and highly entitled to father's side, having been accidentally burnt their regard ; for I know no man who makes for a witch in Connecticut, in consequence of a better bow, or talks less to the purpose than blowing up his own house in a philosophical Ding-dong. Ding-dong has acquired a pro- experiment, the family, in order to perpetuate digious fund of knowledge by reading Dil- the recollection of this memorable circum- worth when a boy ; and the other day, on stance, assumed the name and arms of Wizard, being asked who was the author of Macbeth, and have borne them ever since. answered, without the least hesitation—Shak- In the course of my customary morning's speare ! Ding-dong has a quotation for walk, I stepped in at a book-store, which is every day of the year, and every hour of the noted for being the favourite haunt of a num- ; ; ——

SALMAGUNDI. ber of literati, some of whom rank high in harmony has entirely evaporated in the lapse the opinion of the world, and others rank of ages. Oh ! for the chant of the naiades, equally high in their own. Here I found a and dryades, the shell of the tritons, and the knot of queer fellows, listening to one of sweet warblings of the mermaids of ancient their company, who was reading our paper days ! Where now shall we seek the Am- I particularly noticed Mr. Ichabod Fungus phion, who built walls with a turn of his among the number. hurdy-gurdy, the Orpheus who made stones Fungus is one of those fidgeting, meddling to whistle about his ears, and trees hop in a quidnuncs, with which this unhappy city is country dance, by the mere quavering of his " pestered ; one of your Q in the corner fel- fiddle-stick ! Ah ! had I the power of the lows," who speaks volumes with a wink- former, how soon would I build up the new conveys most portentous information, by lay- City-Hall, and save the cash and credit of

ing his finger beside his nose—and is always the Corporation ; and how much sooner would

smelling a rat in the most trifling occurrence. I build myself a snug house in Broadway ;

He listened to our work with the most frigid nor would it be the first time a house has gravity—every now and then gave a myste- been obtained there for a song. In my opi- rious shrug—a humph—or a screw of the nion, the Scotch bag-pipe is the only instru-

mouth : and on being asked his opinion at ment that rivals the ancient lyre ; and I am

the conclusion, said, he did not know what surprised it should be almost the only one

to think of it—he hoped it did not mean any entirely excluded from our concerts. thing against the Government—that no lurk- Talking of concerts reminds me of that ing treason was couched in all this talk— given a few nights since by Mr. Wilson, at These were dangerous times, times of plot which I had the misfortune of being present.

and conspiracy : he did not at all like those It was attended by a numerous company, and

stars after Mr. Jefferson's name ; they had gave great satisfaction, if I may be allowed to an air of concealment. Dick Paddle, who judge from the frequent gapings of the audi-

was one of the group, undertook our cause. ence ; though I will not risk my credit as a

Dick is known to the world as being a most connoisseur, by saying whether they pro- knowing genius, who can see as far as any ceeded from wonder or a violent inclination to I body—into a millstone ; maintains, in the doze. was delighted, to find in the teeth of all argument, that a spade is a spade mazes of the crowd my particular friend Sni- and will labour a good half hour by St. Paul's vers, who had put on his cognoscenti phiz

clock, to establish a self-evident fact. Dick he being, according to his own account, a

assured old Fungus, that those stars merely profound adept in the science of music He

stood for Mr. Jefferson's red what d'ye- can tell a crotchet at first sight ; and, like a

calVems ; and that so far from a conspiracy true Englishman, is delighted with the plum-

against their peace and prosperity, the authors, pudding rotundity of a semibrief ; and, in whom he knew very well, were only express- short, boasts of having incontinently climbed ing their high respect for them. The old up Paff's musical tree,* which hangs every man shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, day upon the poplar, from the fundamental

gave a mysterious Lord Burleigh nod, said concord, to the fundamental major discord ;

he hoped it might be so ; but he was by no and so on from branch to branch, until he means satisfied with this attack upon the Pre- reached the very top, where he sung " Rule sident's breeches, as " thereby hangs a tale." Britannia," clapped his wings, and then came down again. Like all true trans-atlan-

tic judges, he suffers most horribly at our MR. WILSON'S CONCERT. musical entertainments, and assures me, that GENT. BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, what with the confounded scraping, and

In my register of indisputable facts, I have scratching, and grating of our fiddlers, he noted it conspicuously, that all modem music * An emblematical device, suspended from a pop- is but the mere dregs and draining of the an- lar in front of the shop of Paff, a musie-seller in cient, and that all the spirit and vigour of Broadway.—Edit. "

SALMAGUNDI. 11

particularly thinks the sitting out one of out concerts tan- tenance. I have sometimes no- who torments tamount to the punishment of that unfortunate ticed a hungry-looking Gaul, a

. viol, is doubtless the ori- saint, who was frittered in two with a hand- huge bass and who " saw. ginal of the famous Raw-head-and-bloody- The concert was given in the tea-room, at bones," s§g potent in frightening naughty children. the City-Hotel ; an apartment admirably cal- The person who played the French horn culated, by its dingy walls, beautifully mar- excellent in his but bled with smoke, to show off the dresses and was very way ; Snivers could not relish his performance, having some complexions of the ladies ; and by the flat- time since heard a gentleman amateur in ness of its ceiling to repress those impertinent solo on his vroboscis in style reverberations of the music, which, whatever Gotham play a a

: Snout, the bellows-mender, others may foolishly assert, are, as Snivers infinitely superior instrument more says, " no better than repetitions of old sto- never tuned his wind musi- celebrated " of ries." cally ; nor did the knight the " Mr. Wilson gave me infinite satisfaction burning lamp ever yield more exquisite en- by the gentility of his demeanour, and the tertainment with his nose. This gentleman roguish looks he now and then cast on the had latterly ceased to exhibit this prodigious accomplishment, having, it whispered, ladies ; but we fear his excessive modesty was threw him into some little confusion, for he hired out his snout to a ferryman, who had absolutely forgot himself, and in the whole lost his conch-shell ; the consequence was, course of his entrances and exits, never once that he did not show his nose in company so made his bow to the audience. On the whole, frequently as before. however, I think he has a fine voice, sings with great taste, and is a very modest, good- late the looking little man ; but I beg leave to repeat Sitting other evening in my elbow- the advice so often given by the illustrious chair, indulging in that kind of indolent me- tenants of the theatrical sky-parlour, to the ditation which I consider the perfection of gentlemen who are charged with the "nice human bliss, I was roused from my reverie conduct" of chairs and tables—"make a by the entrance of an old servant in the Cock- bow, Johnny—Johnny, make a bow ! loft livery, who handed me a letter, contain- I cannot, on this occasion, but express my ing the following address from my cousin and surprise that certain amateurs should be so old college chum, Pindar Cockloft.

frequently at concert, considering what ago- Honest Andrew, as he delivered it, in-

nies they suffer while a piece of music is play- formed me that his master, who resides a ing. I defy any man of common humanity, little way from town, on reading a small and who has not the heart of a Choctaw, to pamphlet in a neat yellow cover, rubbed his

contemplate the countenance of one of these hands with symptoms of great satisfaction, unhappy victims of a fiddle-stick, without called for his favourite Chinese ink-stand,

feeling a sentiment of compassion. His whole with two sprawling mandarins for its sup-

visage is distorted ; he rolls up his eyes, as porters, and wrote the letter which he had M'Sycophant says, " like a duck in thunder," the honour to present me. and the music seems to operate upon him As I foresee my cousin will one day be-

like a fit of the cholic ; his very bowels seem come a great favourite with the public, and to sympathize every twang of the cat-gut, as as I know him to be somewhat punctilious as

if he heard at that moment the wailings of it respects etiquette, I shall take this oppor- the helpless animal that had been sacrificed tunity to gratify the old gentleman, by giving to harmony. Nor does the hero of the or- him a proper introduction to the fashionable

chestra seem less affected : as soon as the sig- world. The Cockloft family, to which I nal is given, he seizes his fiddle-stick, makes have the comfort of being related, has been a most horrible grimace, and scowls fiercely fruitful in old bachelors and humourists, as upon his music-book, as though he would will be perceived when I come to treat more grin every crotchet and quaver out of coun- of its history.—My cousin Pindar is one of ; ;

12 SALMAGUNDI.

Its most conspicuous members ; he is now in up his trunk, his old-fashioned writing-desk, his fifty-eighth year; is a bachelor, partly and his Chinese ink-stand, and made a kind through choice, and partly through chance, of growling retreat to Cockloft-Hall, where and an oddity of the first water. Half his life he has resided ever since. has been employed in writing odes, sonnets, My cousin Pindar is of a mercurial dis- epigrams, and elegies, which he seldom shows position—a humourist without ill-nature ; he to any body but myself after they are written is of the true gunpowder temper—one flash and all the old chests, drawers, and chair- and all is over. It is true, when the wind is bottoms in the house, teem with his produc- easterly, or the gout gives him a gentle twinge, tions. or he hears of any new successes of the French,

In his younger days he figured as a dash- he will become a little splenetic ; and heaven ing blade in the great world ; and no young help the man, and more particularly the fellow of the town wore a longer pig-tail, or woman, that crosses his humour at that mo- carried more buckram in his skirts. From ment—she is sure to receive no quarter. sixteen to thirty of Pin- he was continually in love ; These are the most sublime moments and during that period, to use his own dar. I swear to you, dear ladies and gentle- words, he be-scribbled more paper than men, I would not lose one of those splenetic would serve the theatre for snow-storms a bursts for the best wig in my wardrobe, even whole season. The evening of his thirtieth though it were proved to be the identical wig birth-day, as he sat by the fire-side, as much worn by the sage Linkum Fidelius, when he in love as ever was man in this world, and demonstrated before the whole university of writing the name of his mistress in the ashes, Leyden, that it was possible to make bricks with an old tongs that had lost one of its legs, without straw. I have seen the old gentle- he was seized with a whim*wham that he was man blaze forth such a volcanic explosion of an old fool to be in love at his time of life. wit, ridicule, and satire, that I was almost It was ever one of the Cockloft characteristics tempted to believe him inspired. But these to strike to whim : and had Pindar stood out sallies only lasted for a moment, and passed on this occasion he would have brought the like summer clouds over the benevolent sun- reputation of his mother in question. From shine which ever warmed his heart and lighted that time he gave up all particular attention up his countenance. his to the ladies ; and though he still loves their Time, though it has dealt roughly with company, he has never been known to ex- person, has passed lightly over the grace of ceed the bounds of common courtesy in his his mind, and left him in full possession of

intercourse with them. He was the life and all the sensibilities of youth. His eye kin- ornament of our family circle in town, until dles at the relation of a noble or generous the epoch of the French revolution, which action—his heart melts at the story of dis- sent so many unfortunate dancing-masters tress—and he is still a warm admirer of the from their country to polish and enlighten fair. Like all old bachelors, however, he our hemisphere. This was a sad time for looks back with a fond and lingering eye on Pindar, who had taken a genuine Cockloft the period of his boyhood, and would sooner prejudice against every thing French, ever suffer the pangs of matrimony, than acknow- half since he was brought to death's door by a ledge that the world, or any thing in it, is it was in those good old times ragout : he groaned at Ca Ira, and the Mar- so clever as " seilles Hymn had much the same effect upon that are gone by." that him that sharpening a knife on a dry whet- I believe I have already mentioned, qualities he is a humourist, stone has upon some people—it set his teeth with all his good order. He chattering. He might in time have been re- and a humourist of the highest whim-whams conciled to these rubs, had not the introduc- has some of the most intolerable his oddities tion of French cockades on the hats of our I ever met with in my life, and tolerable citizens absolutely thrown him into a fever. are sufficient to eke out a hundred enlarge on them The first time he saw an instance of this kind, originals. But I will not desire to he came home with great precipitation, packed enough has been told to excite a ; ; ; ; : ;: : ! : :;: :

SALMAGUNDI. 13

if, in For I freely confess that it yields me no pride, know more : and I am much mistaken To see them all blaze what their mothers would hide the course of half a dozen of our numbers, he To see them, all shivering, some cold winter's day. plague, please, and perplex the don't tickle, So lavish their beauties and graces display, whole town, and completely establish his And give to each fopling that offers his hand, Moses claim to the laureateship he has solicited, and Like from Pisgah—a peep at the land. with which we hereby invest him, recom- But a truce with complaining—the object in view mending him and his effusions to public re- Is to offer my help in the work you pursue And as your effusions and labours sublime verence and respect. May need, now and then, a few touches of rhyme, LAUNCELOT LfANGSTAFF. I humbly solicit, as cousin and friend, A quiddity, quirk, or remonstrance to send Or should you a laureate want in your plan, By the muff of grandmother, I TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. my am your man I You must kuow I have got a poetical mill, Dear Launce, Which with odd lines and couplets, and triplets I fill; As I find you have taken the quill, And a poem I grind, as from rags white and blue To put our gay town and its fair under drill, The paper-mill yields you a sheet fair and new. I offer my hopes for success to your cause, I can grind down an ode, or an epic that's long, And send you unvarnish'd my mite of applause. Into sonnet, acrostic, conundrum, or song Ah, Launce, this poor town has been wofully fash'd As to dull hudibrastic, so boasted of late, Has long been be-frenchman'd, be-cockney'd, be- The doggerel discharge of some muddled-brained trash 'd pate,

And our ladies be-devil'd, bewilder'd astray, I can grind it by wholesale—and give it its point, From the rules of their grand-dames have wander'd With Billinsgate dished up in rhymes out ofjoint. away. I have read all the poets—and got them by heart No longer that modest demeanour we meet, Can slit them, and twist them, and take them apart Which whilom the eyes of our fathers did greet;— Can cook up an ode out of patches and shreds, No longer be-mobbled, be-ruffled, be-quill'd, To muddle my readers, and bother their heads. Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be-patch'd, and be-frill'd. Old Homer, and Virgil, and Ovid, I scan, No longer our fair ones their grograms display, Anacreon, and Sappho, (who changed to a swan)— And stiff in brocade, strut " like castles " away. Iambics and Sapphics I grind at my will, Oh, how'fondly my soul forms departed has traced, And with ditties of love every noddle can fill. When our ladies in stays, and in boddice well laced, Oh, 'twould do your heart good, Launce, to see my When bishop 'd, and cushion *d, and hoop'd to the mill grind chin, Old stuff into verses, and poems refin'd; Well callash'd without, and well bolster'd within; Dan Spenser, Dan Chaucer, those poets of old, All cas'd in their buckrams, from crown down to tail, Though cover'd with dust, are yet true sterling gold Like O'Brallaghan's mistress, were shaped like a pail. I can grind off their tarnish, and bring them to view. Well— peace to those fashions—the joy ofour eyes— New modell'd, new mill'd, and improved in their hue. Tempora mutantur—new follies will rise But I promise no more—only give me the place, Yet, " like joys that are past," they still crowd on And I'll warrant I'll fill it with credit and grace the mind, By the living ! I'll figure and cut you a dash- In moments of thought, as the soul looks behind. As bold as Will Wizard, or 'Sbidlikens-flash Sweet days of our boyhood, gone by, my dear Pindar Cockloft. Launce, Like the shadows of night, or the forms in a trance Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again, ADVERTISEMENT. Nos mutantur, 'tis true—but those visions remain. Perhaps the most fruitful source of mortifi- I recall with delight, how my bosom would creep, cation to a merry writer who, for the amuse- When some delicate foot from its chamber would peep; ment of himself and the public, employs his And when I a neat stocking 'd ancle could spy leisure in sketching odd characters from ima-

—By the sages of old, I was rapt to the sky ! ' gination, is, that he cannot flourish his pen, All then was retiring, was modest, discreet; it is The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit but every Jack-pudding imagines pointed To the visions which fancy would form in her eye, directly at himself ; —he cannot, in his gam- Of graces that snug in soft ambush would lie. bols, throw a fool's cap among the crowd, And the heart, like the poet's, in thought would but every queer fellow insists upon putting pursue his own head ; or chalk an outlandish The elysium of bliss, which was veil'd from its view. it on figure, but every outlandish genius is eager to We are old fashion'd fellows, our nieces will say : write his own name under it. —However we Old-fashion 'd, indeed, coz—and swear it they may— ;

14 SALMAGUNDI.

may be mortified, that these men should each of Rome or Aldermen of London—and now individually think himself of sufficient con- be-whisker their muffin faces with burnt cork, sequence to engage our attention, we should and swagger right valiant warriors, armed

not care a rush about it, if they did not get cap-a-pie, in buckram. Should, therefore, into a passion and complain of having been any great, little man about town, take offence

ill used. at our good-natured villany, though we in-

It is not in our hearts to hurt the feel- tend to offend nobody under heaven, he will ings of one single mortal, by holding him please to apply at any hour after twelve

up to public ridicule ; and if it were, we lay o'clock, as our champions will then be off

it down as one of our indisputable facts, that duty at the theatre, and ready for any thing. no man can be made ridiculous but by his They have promised to fight " with or with- own folly. As, however, we are aware, that out balls"—to give two tweaks of the nose when a man by chance gets a thwack in the for one—to submit to be kicked, and to crowd, he is apt to suppose the blow was in- cudgel their applicant most heartily in return

tended exclusively for himself, and so fall this being what we understand by « the satis- into unreasonable anger, we have determined faction of a gentleman." to let these crusty gentry know what kind of satisfaction they are to expect from us. We are resolved not to fight, for three special No. 3. reasons ; first, because fighting is at all events FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807. extremely troublesome and inconvenient, FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. particularly at this season of the year ; se-

cond, because if either of us should happen to As I delight in every thing novel and eccen- be killed, it would be a great loss to the pub- tric, and would at any time give an old coat lic, and rob them of many a good laugh we for a new idea, I am particularly attentive to have in store for their amusement; and third, the manners and conversation of strangers,

because if we should chance to kill our adver- and scarcely ever a traveller enters this city, sary, as is most likely—for we can every one whose appearance promises any thing original, of us split balls upon razors and snuff candles but by some means or other I form an acquaint- often —it would be a loss to our publisher, by ance with him. I must confess I depriving him of a good customer. If any suffer manifold afflictions from the intimacies gentleman casuist will give three as good thus contracted: my curiosity is frequently reasons for fighting, we promise him a punished by the stupid details of a block- complete set of Salmagundi for nothing. head, or the shallow verbosity of a coxcomb. But thoughwedonot fight in our own proper Now, I would prefer at any time to travel

persons, let it not be supposed that we will with an ox-team through a Carolina sand-flat,

not give ample satisfaction to all those who rather than plod through a heavy unmeaning

with the former ; and as to the may choose to demand it—for this would be conversation

a mistake of the first magnitude, and lead latter, I would sooner hold sweet converse very valiant gentlemen, perhaps, into what with the wheel of a knife-grinder than endure the is called a quandary. It would be a thou- his monotonous chattering. In fact, all sand and one pities, that any honest man, strangers who flock to this most pleasant of birds of pas- after taking to himself the cap and bells which earthly cities, are generally mere enough, I we merely offered to his acceptance, should sage whose plumage is often gay " the mark," not have the privilege of being cudgelled into own, but their notes, heaven save the bargain. We pride ourselves upon giving are as unmusical as those of that classic satisfaction in every department of our paper; night-bird, which the ancients humourously of wisdom. Those and to fill that of fighting, have engaged two selected as the emblem entertain me with of those strapping heroes of the theatre, who from the south, it is true, and it is figure in the retinues of our ginger-bread their horses, equipages, and puns : these kings and queens—now hurry an old stuff excessively pleasant to hear a couple of exploits petticoat on their backs, and strut Senators four-in-hand gentlemen detail their SALMAGUNDI. L5

over a bottle. Those from the east have often who figured, sometime since, in our fashion- induced me to doubt the existence of the wise able circles, at the head of a ragged regiment men of yoie who are said to have flourished of Tripolitan prisoners. His conversation

in that quarter ; and as for those from parts was to me a perpetual feast;—I chuckled

beyond seas—oh ! my masters, ye shall hear with inward pleasure at his whimsical mis- more from me anon. Heaven help this un- takes and unaffected observations on men and

happy town ! —hath it not goslings enow of manners; and I rolled each odd conceit

of its own hatching and rearing, that it must " like a sweet morsel under my tongue." be overwhelmed by such an inundation of Whether Mustapha was captivated by my ganders from other climes? I would not iron bound physiognomy, or flattered by the have any of my courteous and gentle readers attentions which I paid him I won't deter-

suppose that I am running a muck, full tilt, mine; but I so far gained his confidence, cut and slash, upon all foreigners indiscri- that, at his departure, he presented me with a minately. I have no national antipathies, bundle of papers, containing, among other though related to the Cockloft family. As articles, several copies of letters, which he to honest John Bull, I shake him heartily had written to his friends at Tripoli. The by the hand, assuring him that I love his following is a translation of one of them.

jolly countenance, and moreover am lineally The original is in Arabic-Greek ; but by the

descended from him ; in proof of which I assistance of Will Wizard, who understands allege my invincible predilection for roast all languages, not excepting that manufac-

beef and pudding. I therefore look upon all tured by Psalmanazar, I have been enabled his children as my kinsmen; and I beg, to accomplish a tolerable translation. We when I tickle a cockney, I may not be under- should have found little difficulty in render- stood as trimming an Englishman, they being ing it into English, had it not been for very distinct animals, as I shall clearly de- Mustapha's confounded pot-hooks and tram- monstrate in a future number. If any one mels. wishes to know my opinion of the Irish and

Scotch, he may find it in the characters of those two nations, drawn by the first advo- LETTER cate of the age. But the French, I must FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, confess, are my favourites, and I have taken Captain of a Ketch, to Asem Hacchem, more pains to argue my cousin Pindar out of principal Slave driver to his Highness the his antipathy to them, than I ever did about Bashaw of Tripoli. any other thing. When, therefore, I choose to hunt a Monsieur for my own particular Thou wilt learn from this letter most Illus- amusement, I beg it may not be asserted that trious disciple of Mahomet, that I have for

I intend him as a representative of his country- some time resided in New-York ; the most men at large. Far from this—I love the polished, vast, and magnificent city of the nation, as being a nation of right merry fel- United States of America But what to me lows, possessing the true secret of being are its delights ! I wander a captive through its happy ; which is nothing more than thinking splendid streets, I turn a heavy eye on every of nothing, talking about any thing, and rising day that beholds me banished from my laughing at every thing. I mean only to country. The christian husbands here lament tune up those little thing-o-my's, who repre- most bitterly any short absence from home, sent nobody but themselves; who have no though they leave but one wife behind to la- national trait about them but their language, ment their departure ; —what then must be and who hop about our town in swarms like the feelings of thy unhappy kinsman, while little toads after a shower. thus lingering at an immeasurable distance Among the few strangers whose acquaint- from three-and-twcnty of the most lovely and ance has entertained me, I particularly rank obedient wives in all Tripoli ! Oh ! Allah ! the magnanimous Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli shall thy servant never again return to his Khan, a most illustrious captain of a ketch, native land, nor behold his beloved wives, ! ! ,

1C SALMAGUNDI.

who beam on his memory beautiful as the all true Mussulmen, and has given them rosy morn of the east, and graceful as Maho- wives with no more 60uls than cats and dogs,

met's camel I and other necessary animals of the household. Yet beautiful, oh, most puissant slave Thou wilt doubtless be anxious to learn driver, as are my wives, they are far exceeded our reception in this country, and how we by the women of this country. Even those were treated by a people whom we have been who run about the streets with bare arms and accustomed to consider as unenlightened bar- necks, (et catera) whose habiliments are too barians. scanty to protect them either from the incle- On landing we were waited upon to our mency of the seasons, or the scrutinizing lodgings, I suppose according to the direc-

glances of the curious, and who it would seem tions of the municipality, by a vast and belong to nobody, are lovely as the houris respectable escort of boys and negroes, who that people the elysium of true believers. If shouted and threw up their hats, doubtless then, such as run wild in the highways, and to do honour to the magnanimous Mustapha,

whom no one cares to appropriate are thus Captain of a ketch ; they were somewhat

beauteous ; what must be the charms of those ragged and dirty in their equipments, but who are shut up in the seraglios, and never this was attributed to their republican simpli-

permitted to go abroad ! Surely the region city. One of them, in the zeal of admiration, of beauty, the valley of the graces, can con- threw an old shoe, which gave thy friend tain nothing so inimitably fair rather an ungenteel, salutation on one side of But, notwithstanding the charms of these the head, whereat I was not a little offended,

infidel women, they are apt to have one fault, until the interpreter informed us that this which is extremely troublesome and incon- was the customary manner in which great

venient. Wouldst thou believe it, Asem, I men were honoured in this country ; and that have been positively assured by a famous the more distinguished they were, the more

dervise, (or doctor as he is here called) that they were subjected to the attacks and peltings at least one fifth part of them—have souls of the mob. Upon this I bowed my head Incredible as it may seem to thee, I am the three times, with my hands to my turban, more inclined to believe them in possession and made a speech in Arabic-Greek, which of this monstrous superfluity, from my own gave great satisfaction, and occasioned a little experience, and from the information shower of old shoes, hats, and so forth, that which I have derived from others. In walk- was exceedingly refreshing to us all. ing the streets I have actually seen an exceed- Thou wilt not as yet expect that I should ing good looking woman with soul enough give thee an account of the laws and politics to box her husband's ears to his heart's con- of this country. I will reserve them for tent, and my very whiskers trembled with some future letter, when I shall be more ex- indignation at the abject state of these perienced in their complicated and seemingly wretched infidels. I am told, moreover, that contradictory nature. some of the women have soul enough to This empire is governed by a grand and usurp the breeches of the men, but these I most puissant bashaw, whom they dignify

suppose are married and kept close; for I with the title of President. He is chosen by have not, in my rambles, met with any so persons, who are chosen by an assembly, extravagantly accoutred; others, I am in- elected by the people—hence the mob is called formed, have soul enough to swear!—.yea! the sovereign people—and the country, free; by the beard of the great Omar, who prayed the body-politic doubtless resembling a vessel, three times to ' each of the one hundred and which is best governed by its tail. The pre- twenty-four thousand prophets of our most sent bashaw is a very plain old gentleman— holy faith, and who never swore but once in something they say of a humourist, as he butterflies and his life—they actually swear ! amuses himself with impaling declining in Get thee to the mosque, good Asem ! re- pickling tadpoles ; he is rather turn thanks to our most holy prophet that popularity, having given great offence by he has been thus mindful of the comfort of wearing red breeches, and tying his horse to — ! ;

SALMAGUNDI. 17

compliment to his mistress ; on which a post.* The people of the United States Ileal it goes hard but she figures as a have assured me that they themselves are the occasion tenth muse, or fourth grace, even though she most enlightened nation under the sun ; hut should be more illiterate than a Hottentot, thou knowest that the barbarians of the de- and more ungraceful than a dancing-bear sert, who assemble at the summer solstice, to Since arrival in thi3 country, I have met shoot their arrows at that glorious luminary, my not leas than a hundred of these supernume- in order to extinguish his burning rays, make rary muses and graces ajid may Allah precisely the same boast;—which of them — preserve from ever meeting any more. have the superior claim, I shall not attempt me have studied this people more to decide. When I profoundly, I wilt write thee again in the I have observed, with some degree of sur- ; mean time watch over my household, and do prise, that the men of this country do not not beat beloved wives, unless you catch seem in haste to accommodate themselves my their noses out at the window. even with the single wife which alone the them with Though far distant, and a slave, let me live laws permit them to marry ; this backward- in thy heart as thou liyest in mine : think ness is probably owing to the misfortune of —

not, ! friend of soul, that the splen- their absolutely having no female mutes O my among them. Thou knowest how invaluable dours of this luxurious capital, its gorgeous palaces, its stupendous mosques, and the are these silent companions ; what a price is beautiful females who run wild in herds given for them in the east, and what enter- its streets, can obliterate thee taining wives they make. What delightful about from my remembrance. name shall still be men- entertainment arises from beholding the silent Thy tioned in the five-and-twenty prayers which eloquence of their signs and gestures ; but a I offer daily; and may our great pro- wife possessed both of a tongue and a soul up phet, after bestowing on thee all the blessings monstrous ! monstrous ! Is it astonishing that life, at length, in a good old age, lead these unhappy infidels should shrink from of this gently the hand, to enjoy the dignity a union with a woman so preposterously thee by of bashaw of three tails in the blissful bowers endowed ? Eden. Thou hast doubtless read in the works of of MUSTAPHA. Abul Faraj, the Arabian historian, the tradi- tion which mentions that the muses were once upon the point of falling together by the FASHIONS. ears about the admission of a tenth among BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. their number, until she assured them by The following article is furnished me by a signs, that she was dumb ; whereupon they young Lady of unquestionable taste, and received her with great rejoicing. I should, who is the oracle of fashion andfrippery. perhaps, inform thee that there are but nine Being deeply initiated into all the myste- Christian muses, who were formerly pagans, ries of the toilet, she has promised me, but have since been converted, and that in ^rom time to time, a similar detail. this country we never hear of a tenth, unless has for some time reigned some crazy poet wishes to pay an hyperbo- Mrs. Toole unrivalled in the fashionable world, and had * This is another allusion to the primitive habits of the supreme direction of caps, bonets, fea- Mr. Jefferson, who, even while the First Magistrate

Of the Republic, and on occasions when a little of thers, flowers, and tinsel.—She has dressed the " pomp and circumstance" of office would not and undressed our ladies just as she pleased have been incompatible with that situation, was now loading them with velvet and wadding, accustomed! to dress in the plainest garb, and when now turning them adrift upon the world, to on horse-back to be without an attendant ; so that it not unfrequently happened that he might be seen, run shivering through the streets with scarcely when the business of the State required his personal a coyering to their—backs ; and now obliging presence, riding up alone to the government house them to drag a long train at their heels, like at Wasmngton, and, having tied his sjeed to the the tail of a paper kite. Her despotic sway, nearest post, proceed to transact the important busi- ness of the nation,—Edit. however, threatens to be limited. A dangerous 2 — —

13 SALMAGUNDI.

rival has sprung up Li the person of Madame painter-general, of the colour of Castile soap. Bouchard, an intrepid little woman, fresh Shoes of kid, the thinnest that can possibly from the head-quarters of fashion and folly, be procured, as they tend to promote colds,

and who has hurst like a second Bonaparte aDd makes a lady look interesting, (i.e. grizz- upon the fashionable world. Mrs. Toole, ly.) Picnic silk-stockings, with lace clocks notwithstanding, seems determined to dispute —flesh-coloured are most fashionable, as they her ground bravely for the honour of old have the appearance of bare legs nudity England. The ladies have begun to arrange being all the rage. The stockings carelessly themselves under the banner of one or other bespattered with mud, to agree with the gown, of these heroines of the needle, and every which should be bordered about three inches thing portends open war. Madame Bouchard deep with the most fashionably coloured mud

marches gallantly to the field, flourishing a that can be found : the ladies permitted to flaming red robe for a standard, " flouting the hold up their trains, after they have swept two skies;" and Mrs. Toole, no ways dismayed, or three streets, in order to show—the clocks sallies out under cover of a forest of artificial of their stockings. The shawl scarlet, crim- flowers, like Malcolm's host. Both parties son, flame, orange, salmon, or any other com- •possess great merit, and both deserve the vic- bustible or brimstone colour, thrown over one tory. Mrs. Toole charges the highest, but shoulder, like an Indian blanket, with one Madame Bouchard makes the lowest courtesy. end dragging on the ground. Madame Bouchard is a little short lady—nor N.B.—If the ladies have not a red shawl is there any hope of her growing larger ; but at hand, a red petticoat turned topsy-turvy,

then she is perfectly genteel—and so is Mrs. oyer the shoulders, would do just as well. Toole. Mrs. Toole lives in Broadway, and This is called being dressed a-la-drabble.

Madame Bouchard in Courtlandt-street ; but When the ladies do not go abroad of a Madame atones for the inferiority of her stand, morning, the usual chimney-corner dress is a by making two courtesies to Mrs. Toole^s one, dotted, spotted, striped, or cross-barred gown and talking French like an angel. Mrs. —a yellowish, whitish, smokish, dirty-co- Toole is the best looking—but Madame loured shawl, and the hair curiously orna- Bouchard wears a most bewitching little mented with little bits of newspapers, or scrubby wig. Mrs. Toole is the tallest—but pieces of a letter from a dear friend. This Madame Bouchard nas the longest nose. Mrs. is called the " Cinderella dress."

Toole is fond of roast beef—but Madame is The recipe for a full-dress is as follow s :

loyal in her adherence to onions : in short, so Take of spider-net, crape, satin, gymp, cat- equally are the merits of the two ladies ba- gut, gauze, whalebone, lace, bobbin, ribands,

lanced, that there is no judging which will and artificial flowers, as much as will rig out

" kick the beam." It, however, seems to be the congregation of a village church ; to these, the prevailing opinion, that Madame Bou- add as many spangles, beads, and gew-gaws, chard will carry the day, because she wears a as would be sufficient to turn the heads of all wig, has a long nose, talks French, loves the fashionable fair ones of Nootka Sound. onions, and does not charge above ten times Let Mrs. Toole, or Madame Bouchard, patch as mueh for a thing as it is worth. all these articles together, one upon another, dash them plentifully over with stars, bugles, and tinsel, and they will altogether form a Under the direction of these high pr dress, which, hung upon a lady's back, can-

of the beau-monde, the following is the not fail of supplying the place of beauty, fashionable morning dress for walking:—. youth, and grace, and of reminding the spec- of finery, called If the weather be very cold, a thin muslin tator of that celebrated region gown, or frock, is most advisable—because Rag Fair.

it agrees with the season, being perfectly cool. The neck, arms, and particularly the elbows, bare, in order that they may be agreeably One of the greatest sources of amusement painted and mottled by Mr. John Frost, nose- incident to our humourous knight-errantry, SALMAGUNDI. 19 is to ramble about and hear the various con- Were we ill-natured, we might publish jectures of the town respecting our worships, something that would get our representatives

whom every body pretends to know as well as into difficulties ; but far be it from us to do Falstaff did Prince Hal at Gadshill. We any thing to the injury of persons to whom have sometimes seen a sapient, sleepy fellow, we are under such obligations. on being tickled with a straw, make a furious While they stand before us, we, like little

effort, and fancy he had fairly caught a gnat Teucer, behind the sevenfold shield of Ajax, in his grasp ; so, that many-headed monster, can launch unseen our sportive arrows, which the public, who, with all his heads, is, we we trust will never inflict a wound unless

fear, sadly off for brains, has, after long like his they fly, " heaven directed," to some hovering, come souse down, like a king-fisher, conscious-struck bosom. on the authors of Salmagundi, and caught Another marvellous great source of plea- them as certainly as the aforesaid honest fel- sure to us, is the abuse our work has received low caught the gnat. from several wooden gentlemen, whose cen- Would that we were rich enough to give sures we covet more than ever we did any every one of our numerous readers a cent, as thing in our lives. The moment we declared

a reward for their ingenuity ! not that they open war against folly and stupidity we ex- have really conjectured within a thousand pected to receive no quarter, and to provoke a

leagues of the truth, but that we consider it a confederacy of all the blockheads in town. great stretch of ingenuity even to have guessed For it is one of our indisputable facts, that so soon as catch wrong ; and that we hold ourselves much you a gander by the tail, the obliged to them for having taken the trouble whole flock, geese, goslings, one and all, have

to guess at all. a fellow-feeling on the occasion, and begin to One of the most tickling, dear, mischievous cackle and hiss like so many devils bewitched.

pleasures of this life is to laugh in one's As we have a profound respect for these an- sleeve—to sit snug in a corner, unnoticed and cient and respectable birds, on the score of unknown, and hear the wise men of Gotham, their once saving the capitol, we hereby de- who are profound judges of horse-flesh, pro- clare, that we mean no offence whatever by nounce, from the style of our work, who are comparing thenuto the aforesaid confederacy. the authors. This listening incog, and re- We have heard in our walks such criticisms ceiving a hearty praising over another man's on Salmagundi, as almost induced a belief back, is a situation so celestially whimsical, that folly had here, as in the east, her mo- that we have done little else than laugh in ments of inspired idiotism. Every silly roys- our sleeve ever since our first number was ter has, as if by an instinctive sense of antici- published. pated danger, joined in the cry, and condemned

The town has at length allayed the titilla- us without mercy. All is thus as it should tions of curiosity, by fixing on two young be. It would have mortified us very sensibly

gentlemen of literary talents ; that is to say, had we been disappointed in this particular, they are equal to the composition of a news- as we should then have been apprehensive paper squib, a hodge-podge criticism, or that our shafts had fallen to the ground, in- some such trifle, and may occasionally raise a nocent of the "blood or brains" of a single

smile by their effusions ; but pardon us, sweet numskull. Our efforts have been crowned Sirs, if we modestly doubt your capability of with wonderful success. All the queer fish,

supporting the burthen of Salmagundi, or of the grubs, the flats, the noddies, and the live keeping up a laugh for a whole fortnight, as oak and timber gentlemen, are pointing their

we have done, and intend to do, until the empty guns at us ; and we are threatened whole town becomes a community of laugh- with a most puissant confederacy of the " pig- ing philosophers like ourselves. We have mies and cranes," and other " light militia," no intention, however, of undervaluing the backed by the heavy armed artillery of dull- abilities of those two young men, whom we ness and stupidity. The veriest dreams of verily believe, according to common accepta- our most sanguine moments are thus realized. tion, young men of promise. We have no fear of the censures of the wise, C 2 ; ; ; ; — —; ; ; ; ; ; ;—; :

20 SALMAGUNDI.

still, the good, or the fair ; for they'will ever be But though my heart dwells with rapture sub- lime, sacred from our attacks. We reverence the On the fashions and customs which reign'd at my wise, love the good, and adore the fair ; we prime,

declare ourselves champions in their cause- I yet can perceive— and still candidly praise, is the cause of morality—and we throw our Some maxims and manners of these Matter days;» Still own that some wisdom and beauty appears, gauntlet to all the world besides Though almost entomb'd in the rubbish of years. While we profess and feel the same indif- No fierce nor tyrannical cynic am I, ference to public applause as at first, we most Who frown on each foible I chance to espy earnestly invite the attacks and censures of Who pounce on a novelty, just like a kite, all the wooden warriors of this sensible city, And tear up a victim through malice or spite expose to the scoffs of an ill-natur'd crew, and especially of that distinguished and learned Who A trembler for starting a whim that is new. bGdy, heretofore celebrated under the appel- No, no—I shall cautiously hold up my glass, " lation of The North-river Society." The To the sweet little blossoms who heedlessly pass The thrice valiant and renowned Don Quixote My remarks not too pointed to wound or offend, miss their benevolent end: never made such work amongst the wool-clad Nor so vague as to

Each innocent fashion shall have its full sway ; warriors of Trapoban, or the puppets of the New modes shall arise to astonish Broadway itinerant showman, as we promise to make Red hats and red shawls still illumine the town, belle, like a bon-fire, blaze up and down. amongst these fine fellows ; and we pledge And each ourselves to the public in general, and the Fair spirits, who brighten the gloom of our days, Albany skippers in particular, that the North- Who cheer this dull scene with your heavenly rays, No mortal can love you more firmly and true, river sliall not be set on fire this winter at From the crown of the head to the sole of your shoe. least, for shall give the authors of that we I'm old-fashion'd, 'tis true—but still runs in my heart nefarious scheme ample employment for some That affectionate stream, to which youth gave the time to come. start

More calm in its current, yet potent in force ; Less ruffled by gales—but still stedfast in course. Though the lover, enraptur'd, no longer appears— PROCLAMATION, 'Tis the guide and the guardian enlighten'd by years, All ripen'd, and rneliow'd, and soften'd by time, - FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. The asperities polish'd which chafed in my prime for that delicate end, To all the young belles who enliven our scene, I am fully prepar'd From ripe five-and-forty to blooming fifteen The fair one's instructor, companion, and friend. Who racket at routs, and who rattle at plays; —And should I perceive you in fashion's gay dance, the frippery Who visit, and fidget, and dance out their days Allured by mongers of France, frames to chill Who conquer all hearts with a shot from the eye, Expose your weak a wintry sky To be nipp'd by its frosts, to be torn from the eye Who freeze with a frown, and who thaw with a sigh : soft admonitions shall fall on your ear To all those bright youths who embellish the age, My Whether young boys, or old boys, or numskull, or Shall whisper those parents to whom you are dear Shall warn you of hazards you heedlessly run, sage ; sing of those fair ones whom frost has undone Whether dull dogs, who cringe at their mistress' And ; that scarce on our feet, Bright suns would horizon dawn, Ere shrouded from sight, they were early Who sigh and who whine, and who try to look sweet withdrawn Gay sylphs, who have floated in circles below, Whether tough dogs, who squat down stock still in a As pure in their souls, and as transient as row., snow ; roses, that And play wooden gentlemen stuck up for show Sweet bloom'd and decay'd to my eye, forms that flitted pass'd sky. Or sad dogs, who glory in running their rigs, And of have and to the How dash in their sleighs, and now whirl in their But as to those brainless pert bloods of our town,

gigs ; Those sprigs of the ton who run decency down Who riot at Dyde's on imperial champagne, Who lounge and who loot, and who booby about,

And then scour our city—the peace to maintain : No knowledge within, and no manners withoct

Who stare at each beauty with insolent eyes ; To whome'er it concerns or may happen to meet, Who rail at those morals their fathers would prize ; By these presents their worships I lovingly greet Who are loud at the play, and who impiously dare Now know ye, that I, Pindar Cockloft, esquire, To come in their cups to the routs of the fair Am laureate appointed at special desire I shall hold up my mirror, to let them survey A censor, self-dubbd, to admonish the fair, The figures they cut as they dash it away And tenderly take the town under my care. ; Should my good-humoured verse no amendment pro- I'm a ci-devant beau, cousin Launcelot has said— duce,

A remnant of habits long vanish'd and dead: Like scare-crows, at least, they shall still be of use; :

SALMAGUNDI.

I shall stich tnem, in effigy, up in my rhyme, matter. He is the oracle of the family, dic- them aloft through the progress of time, And hold tates to his sisters on every occasion, though As figures of fun to make the folks laugh, they are some dozen or more years older than Like that queer-looking angel erected by Paff, " What shtops," as he says, * all de people what himself; and never did son give mother bet- come; ter advice than Jeremy. smiles on dem all, and what peats on de "What As old Cockloft was determined his son trum." should be both a scholar and a gentleman, Kt took great pains with his education, which No. 4. was completed at our university, where he became exceedingly expert in quizzing his TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1807- teachers and playing billiards. No student FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. made better squibs and crackers to blow up

Perhaps there is no class of men to which the chemical professor—no one chalked more the curious and literary are more indebted ludicrous caricatures on the walls of the col- than travellers—I mean travel-mongers, who lege—and none were more adroit in shaving write whole volumes about themselves, their pigs and climbing lightning rods. He, more- horses, and their servants, interspersed with over, learned all the letters of the Greek al- anecdotes of inn-keepers, droll sayings of phabet; could demonstrate that water never stage-drivers, and interesting memoirs of—the " of its own accord " rose above the level of lord knows who. They will give you a full its source; and that air was certainly the account of a city, its manners, customs, and principle of life, for he had been entertained

manufactures ; though, perhaps, all their with the humane experiment of a cat worried

knowledge of it was obtained by a peep from to death in an air-pump. He once shook their inn-windows, and an interesting conver- down the ash-house, by an artificial earth-

sation with the landlord or the waiter. Ame- quake ; and nearly blew his sister Barbara

rica has had its share of these buzzards ; and and her cat out of the window with detonating in the name of my countrymen I return them powder. He likewise boasts exceedingly of profound thanks for the compliments they being thoroughly" acquainted with the com-

have lavished upon us, and the variety of position of Lacedemonian black broth ; and

particulars concerning our own country which once made a pot of it, which had well nigh we should never have discovered without their poisoned the whole family, and actually threw assistance. the cook-maid into convulsions. But above Influenced by such sentiments, I am de- all, he values himself upon his logic, has the lighted to find the Cockloft family, among old college conundrum of the cat with three its other whimsical and monstrous produc- tails at his fingers' ends, and often hampers tions, is about to be enriched with a genuine his father with his syllogisms, to the great

travel-writer. This is no less a personage delight of the old gentleman ; who considers than Mr. Jeremy Cockloft, the only son the major, minor, and conclusion, as almost and darling pride of my cousin, Mr. Christo- equal in argument to the pulky, the w?dge, pher Cockloft. I should have said Jeremy and the lever, in mechanics. In fact, my

Cockloft, tlie younger, as he so styles him- cousin Cockloft was once nearly annihilated

self, by way of distinguishing him from II with astonishment, on hearing Jeremy trae«2 Signore Jeremy Cockloftico, a gouty old gen- the derivation of Mango from Jeremiah King

tleman, who flourished about the time that as Jeremiah King, Jerry King ! Jerking,

Pliny the elder was smoked to death with the Girkin ! cucumber, Mango ! In short,' had

fire and brimstone of Vesuvius ; and whose Jeremy been a student at Oxford or Cam- travels, if he ever wrote any, are now lost for bridge, he would, in all probability, have ever to the world. Jeremy is at present in been promoted to the dignity of a senior

hi? one-and-twentieth year, and a young fel- wrangler. By this sketch, I mean no dis- low of wonderful quick parts, if you will trust paragement to the abilities of other students to the word of his father, who, having be- of our college, for I have no doubt that every gotten him, should be the best judge of the commencement ushers into society luminaries C 3 ; —

SALMAGUNDI. full as brilliant as Jeremy Cockloft, the their trunks *—straps, buckles, and bed- younger. cords—case of pistols, d la cockney—five Having made a very pretty speech on gra- trunks—three bandboxes—a cocked hat—and duating, to a numerous assemblage of old a medicine-chest, a la Francaise—parting folks and young ladies, who all declared that advice of my two sisters—quere, why old he was a very fine young man, and made very maids are so particular in their cautions handsome gestures, Jeremy was seized with against naughty women—description of Powles a great desire to see, or rather to be seen by Hook ferry-boats—might be converted into the world ; and as his father was anxious to gun-boats, and defend our port equally well give him every possible advantage, it was de- with Albany sloops—Brom, the black ferry- man-—Charon river Styx termined Jeremy should visit foreign parts. — —ghosts ; —Major In consequence of this resolution, he has spent Hunt—good story—ferryage nine-pence ; a matter of three or four months in visiting city of Harsimus—built on the spot where the folk; once danced on their while strange places ; and in the course of his tra- stumps vel's has tarried some few days at the splendid the devil fiddled ; —quere, why do the Har- metropolis of Albany and Philadelphia. simites talk Dutch ?—story of the tower of Jeremy has travelled as every modern man Babel, and confusion of tongues—get into the is, of stage—driver a wag—famous fellow for run- of sense should do ; that he judges if ning stage races—killed three passengers and things by the sample next at hand ; he has ever any doubt on a subject, always decides crippled nine in the course of his practice against the city where he happens to sojourn philosophical reasons why stage-drivers love and invariably takes home, as the standard grog—causeway—ditch on each side for folk to into by which to direct his judgment. tumble —famous place for skilly-pots ; Going into his room the other day, when Philadelphians call 'em tarapins—roast them under he happened to be absent, I found a manu- the ashes as we do potatoes—quere, may not this be the reason that the Philadel- script volume laying on his table ; and was phians are all overjoyed to find it contained notes and hints turtle-heads? — Hackensack for a book of travels which he intends pub- bridge—-good painting of a blue horse jump- ing lishing. He seems to have taken a late over a mountain—wonder who it was fashionable travel-monger for his model, and painted by ; —mem. to ask the Baron de

I have no doubt his work will be equally in- Custo about it on my return ; —Rattle-snake structive and amusing with that of his proto- hill, so called from abounding with butter- type. The following are some extracts, which flies ; —salt marsh, surmounted here and may not prove uninteresting to my readers. there by a solitary hay-stack ; —more tarapins —wonder why the Philadelphians don't esta-

blish a fishery here, and get a patent for it ? MEMORANDUMS FOR A TOUR, —bridge over the Passaic—rate of toll—de- scription of toll-boards toll TO BE ENTITLED, — man had but " THE STRANGER IN NEW-JERSEY; one eye—story how it is possible he may have lost the other pence-table, &c.-]- OR, COCKNEY TRAVELLING."* — By Jeremy Cockloft, the Younger. CHAP. II. CHAP. I. Newark—noted for its fine breed of fat The man in the moon-f-—preparations for musquitoes—sting through the thickest boot $ departure—hints to travellers about packing story about Gallynipers—Archer Gifford and

his man Caliban—jolly fat fellows ; —a know- * It is not a little singular, that this mode of ridi- culing the gossiping productions of Sir John Carr, ing traveller always judges of every thing by and other tourists of the day, should have been suc- « Memorandums » in New-York—so that neither cessfully adopted almost at the same time by two writer could possibly have borrowed from the other writers placed in different and distant quarters of the —and by its ingenious pleasantry and poignant satire, globe. " My Pocket-Book » appeared in London only crushed a whole host of hook-making tourists, with two or three weeks after the publication of these the luckless fcnight at their head.*-Edit. ' * Vide Weld. Vide Carr. ; Vide Weld. f Vide Carrs Stranger in Ireland. t — ——~;

SALMAGUNDI. 23 the inn-keepers and waiters;*— set down saying of Ding-Dong's i Vernon's tavern Newark people all fat as butter—learned dis- fine place to sleep in, if the noise would let sertation on Archer Gifford's green coat, with you—another Caliban ;—.Vernon slew-eyed— philosophical reasons why the Newarkites people of Brunswick, of course, all squint wear red worsted night-caps, and turn their — Drake's tavern — fine old blade — wears noses to the south when the wind blows- square buckles in his shoes—tells bloody long Newark academy full of windows—sunshine stories about last war—people, of course, all do the same ; Hook'em Snivy, the famous excellent to make little boys grow—Eliza- — born here contemporary with beth-town — fine girls — vile musquitoes fortune-teller, — Mother Shoulders particulars of his history plenty of oysters—quere, have oysters any — —died one day—lines to his memory, which feeling ? —good story about the fox catching their way into my pocket-book ;*— me- them by his tail—ergo, foxes might be of found on the death of great men great use in the pearl fishery: — landlord lancholy reflections beautiful epitaph on mvself. member of the legislature—treats every body who has a vote—mem. all the inn-keepers members of legislature in New Jersey; — Bridge-town, vulgarly called Spank-town, Princeton — college — professors wear from a story of a quondam parson and his for their love of a boots ! —students famous wife—real name, according to Linkum Fide- jest—set the college on fire, and burnt out lius, Bridge-town, from bridge, a contrivance the professors ; an excellent joke, but not to get dry shod over a river or brook ; and worth repeating—mem. American students town, an appellation given in America to the very much addicted to burning down colleges accidental assemblage of a church, a tavern, —reminds me of a good story, nothing at all and a blacksmith's shop—Linkum as right to the purpose—two societies in the college as my left leg ; —Rahway-river—good place —good notion—encourages emulation, and for gun -boats —wonder why Mr. Jefferson makes little boys fight ; —students famous for don't send a river fleet there, to protect the their eating and erudition—saw two at the hay vessels ; —Woodbridge—landlady mend- tavern, who had just got their allowance of ing her husband's breeches—sublime apos- spending money—laid it all out in a supper trophe to conjugal affection and the fair sex;-J- —got fuddled, and d—d the professors for —Woodbridge famous for its crab-fishery-»— nincoms. N. B. Southern gentlemen — sentimental correspondence between a crab church-yard—apostrophe to grim death—saw and a lobster— digression to Abelard and a cow feeding on a grave—metempsychosis

Eloisa ; —mem. when the moon is in Pisces, who knows but the cow may have been eating she plays the devil with the crabs. up the soul of one of my ancestors—made me melancholy and pensive for fifteen mi- CHAP. III. wonder- nutes ; —man planting cabbages -f — ed how he could plant them so straight Brunswick—oldest town in the state—di- method of mole-catching — and all that vision line between two counties in the mid- quere, whether it would not be a good notion dle of the street ;—posed a lawyer with the to ring their noses as we do pigs—mem. to case of a man standing with one foot in each propose it to the American Agricultural So- county—wanted to know in which he was do- ciety get a premium, perhaps ;—commence- micil—lawyer couldn't tell for the soul of ment—students give a ball and supper—com- him— mem. all the New Jersey lawyers pany from New York, Philadelphia, and nums ; —Miss Hay's boarding-school young — Albany great contest which spoke the best ladies not allowed to eat mustard—and why ; English—Albanians vociferous in their de- —fat story of a mustard-pot, with a good mand for sturgeon—Fhiladelphians gave the * gave Vide Moore ; vide Weld ; vide Parkinson ; vide preference to racoon % and splacnunes—

Priest ; vide Linkum Fidelius ; and vide Messrs. Tag, Ras, and Bobtail. * Vide Carr and Blind Bet Care. % Vide Priest. f Vide the sentimental Kotzebue v Vide — ! —

21 SALMAGUNDI, them a long dissertation on the phlegmatic state —only wants a castle, a bay, a iroun* nature of a gooseys gizzard-—-stttdents can't tain, a sea, and a volcano, to bear a strong dance always set off with the wrong foot resemblance to the Bay of Naples—supreme foremost—Duport's opinion on that subject court sitting—fat Chief Justice—used to get —Sir Christopher Hatton the first man who asleep on the bench after dinner—gave judg- ever turned out his toes in dancing—great fa- ment, I suppose, like Pilate's wife, from his vourite with Queen Bess on that account- dreams—reminded me of Justice Bridlegoose Sir "Walter Raleigh—-good story about his deciding by a throw of a die, and of the smoking—his descent into New Spain—El oracle of the holy bottle—attempted to kiss Dorado—Uandid—Dr. Panglos—Miss Cune- the chambermaid—boxed my ears till they gunde— earthquake at Lisbon — Baron ;of rung like our theatre bell—girl had lost one Thunderte'ntronck—Jesuits — Monks — Car- tooth—mem. all the American ladies prudes, dinal Wolsey—Pope Joan—Tom Jefferson and have bad teeth ; — Anacreon Moore's opinion on the matter. — State-house fine Tom Paine, and Tom the whew ! — N. B. Students got drunk as usual. place to see the sturgeons jump up—quere, whether sturgeons jump up by an impulse of V. CHAF. the tail, or whether they bounce up from the Left Princeton—country finely diversified bottom by the elasticity of their noses—Lin- latter with sheep and hay-stacks* —^saw a man kum Fidelius of the opinion—I to6 , riding alone in a waggon ! why the deuce sturgeon's nose capital for tennis-balls—leamt didn't the blockhead ride in a chair ? fellow that at school—went to a ball—negro wench must be a fool-~particular account of the principal musician ! —N. B. People of Ame- construction of waggons—carts, wheelbarrows rica have no fiddlers but females ! —origin of and quail-traps—saw a large flock of crows- the phrase, " fiddle of your heart"—reasons concluded there must be a dead horse in the why men fiddle better than the women ; neighbourhood—mem. country remarkable for expedient of the Amazons who were expert at the crows —won't let the horses die in peace— bow ; —waiter at the city tavern—good anecdote of a jury of crows-—stopped to give story of his—nothing to the purpose—never

mind fill the horses water—good looking man came up, — up my book like Carr—make it and asked me if I had seen his wife ? Hea- sell. Saw a democrat get into the stage fol- vens ! thought I, how strange it is that this lowed by his dog.-j- N. B. This town re- virtuous man should ask me about his wife markable for dogs and democrats—superfine story of Cain and Abel—stage-driver took a sentiment +—good story from Joe Miller swig—mem. set down all the people as drunk- ode to a piggin of butter—pensive medita- ards—old house had moss on the top—swal- tions on a mouse-hole—make a book as clear lows built in the roof—better place than old as a whistle men's beards—story about that—derivation of

"Vords, kippy , kippy, kippy, and shoo-pig -f- No. V. —negro- driver could not v/rite his own name —languishing state of literature in this coun- SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 1807. try philosophical inquiry of 'Sbidlikens, ; %— FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. why the Americans are so much inferior to the mobility of Cheapside and Shore-ditch, TaiE following letter of my friend Mustapha written time sub- and why they do not eat plum-pudding on appears to have been some sequent to the one already published. Were Sundays ; superfine reflections about any thing. I to judge from its contents, I should sup- CHAP. VI pose it was suggested by the splendid review of the twenty-fifth of last November ; when Trenton—built above the head of naviga- a pair of colours was presented, at the City- tion to encourage commerce—capital of the Hall, to the regiments of artillery, and when » Vide Carr. a huge dinner was devoured, by our corpora- f Vide Carrs learned derivation of gee and whoa. Carr. Moore, Carr. % Moore. t fc SALMAGUNDI. 25 tion, in the honourable remembrance of the a cunning old engineer, who assured them it evacuation of this city. I am happy to find was the only way in which their fortifications that the laudable spirit of military emulation would ever be able to keep up a warm fire. which prevails in our city has attracted the Economy, my friend, is the watch-word of attention of a stranger of Mustapha's saga- this nation ; I have been studying for a city; by military emulation 1 mean that month past to divine its meaning, but truly spirited rivalry in the size of a hat, the length am as much perplexed as ever. It is a kind of a feather, and the gingerbread finery of a of national starvation ; an experiment how sword belt. many comforts and necessaries the body poli- tic can be deprived of before it perishes.—It has already arrived to a lamentable degree of LETTER debility, and promises to share the fate of the FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, Arabian philosopher, who proved that he could live without food, but unfortunately To Abdullah EVn al Rahab, sumamed the died just as he had brought his experiment to Snorer, military sentinel at the gate his of perfection. Highness* Palace. On arriving at the battery I found an im-

Thou hast heard, O ! Abdallah, of the mense army of six hundred men, drawn up great magician, Muley Fuz, who could in a true Mussulman crescent. At first I change a blooming land, blessed with all the supposed this was in compliment to myself,

elysian charms of hill and dale, of glade and but my interpreter informed me that it was done grove, of fruit and flower, into a desert, merely for want of room ; the corpora- frightful, solitary, and forlorn;—who with tion not being able to afford them sufficient to the wave of his wand could transform even display in a straight line. As I expected a the disciples of Mahomet into grinning apes display of some grand evolutions and military and chattering monkeys. Surely, thought I manoeuvres, I determined to remain a tran- to myself this morning, the dreadful Muley quil spectator, in hopes that I might possibly has been exercising his infernal enchantments collect some hints which might be of service to his Highness. on these unhappy infidels. Listen, O ! Ab- This dallah, and wonder ! Last night I commit- great body of men I perceived was ted myself to tranquil slumber, encompassed under the command of a small bashaw, in with all the monotonous tokens of peace, and yellow and gold, with white nodding plumes

this morning I awoke, enveloped in the noise, and most formidable whiskers ; which, con- the bustle, the clangor, and the shouts of trary to the Tripolitan fashion, were in the

war. Every thing was changed as if by ma- neighbourhood of his ears instead of his nose. gic. An immense army had sprung up, like —He had -two attendants called aids-de-camp,

mushrooms, in a night ; and all the cobblers, (or tails) being similar to a bashaw with two tailors, and tinkers of the city had mounted tails. The bashaw, though commander-in-

the nodding plume ; had become, in the chief, seemed to have little more to do than twinkling of an eye, helmeted heroes and myself; he was a spectator within the lines

war-worn veterans. and I without : he was clear of the rabble

Alarmed at the beating of drums, the and I was encompassed by them ; this was braying of trumpets, and the shouting of the the only difference between us, except that he multitude, I dressed myself in haste, sallied had the best opportunity of showing his forth, and followed a prodigious crowd of clothes. I waited an hour or two with ex-

people to a place called the battery. This is emplary patience, expecting to see some grand so denominated, I am told, from having once military evolutions or a sham battle exhibi-

been defended with formidable wooden bul- ted ; but no such thing took place ; the men

warks, which in the course of a hard winter stood stock still, supporting their arms, were thriftily pulled to pieces by an economic groaning under the fatigues of war, and now corporation, to be distributed for fire-wood and then sending out a foraging party to levy

among the poor ; this was done at the hint of contributions of beer and a favourite beverage SALMAGUNDI.

which they denominate grog. As I perceived mercy. Then the whole fcand opened a most the crowd very active in examining the line, tremendous battery of drums, fifes, tambou- from one extreme to the other, and as I could rines, and trumpets, and kept up a thunder- see no other purpose for which these sunshine ing assault, as if the castle, like the walls of warriors should be exposed so long to the Jericho, spoken of in the Jewish Chronicles, merciless attacks of wind and weather, I of would tumble down at the blowing of rams* course concluded that this must be the horns. After some time a parley ensued. review. The grand bashaw of the city appeared on the In about two hours the army was put in battlements of the castle, and, as far as motion, and marched through some narrow I could understand from circumstances, dared streets, where Jhe economic corporation had the little bashaw of two tails to single com- bat carefully provided a soft carpet of mud, to a ; —this, thou knowest, was in the style! magnificent castle of painted brick, decorated of ancient chivalry. The little bashaw dis- with grand pillars of pine boards. By the mounted with great intrepidity, and ascended ardour which brightened in each countenance, the battlements of the castle, where the great I soon perceived that this castle was to un- bashaw waited to receive him, attended by dergo a vigorous attack. As the ordnance of numerous dignitaries and worthies of his the castle was perfectly silent, and as they court, one of whom bore the splendid ban- ners had nothing but a straight street to advance of the castle. The battle was carried on. through, they made their approaches with entirely by words, according to the universal great courage and admirable regularity, until custom of this country, of which I shall within about a hundred feet of the castle a speak to thee more fully hereafter. The pump opposed a formidable obstacle in their grand bashaw made a furious attack in a speech of way, and put the whole army to a nonplus. considerable length ; the little ba- The circumstance was sudden and unlooked shaw, by no means appalled, retorted with great spirit. for : the commanding officer ran over all the The grand bashaw attempted military tactics with which his head was to rip him up with an argument, or stun him with crammed, but none offered any expedient for a solid fact ; but the little bashaw par- the present awful emergency. The pump ried them both with admirable adroitness, and maintained its post, and so did the comman- run him clean through and through with a syllogism. der ; —there was no knowing which was most The grand bashaw was over- at a stand. The commanding officer ordered thrown, the banners of the castle yielded up to the little his men to wheel and take it in flank ; —the bashaw, and the castle surren-i army accordingly wheeled and came full butt dered after a vigorous defence of three hours against it in the rear, exactly as they were —during which the besiegers suffered great before : —" wheel to the left !" cried the offi- extremity from muddy streets and a drizzling cer: they did so, and again as before, the atmosphere. inveterate pump intercepted their progress. On returning to dinner, I soon discovered !" " Right about, face cried the officer : the that as usual I had been indulging in a great men obeyed, but bungled—they faced back mistake. The matter was all clearly explain- to back. Upon this the bashaw with two ed to me by a fellow lodger, who on ordinary tails, with great coolness, undauntedly or- occasions moves in the humble character of a dered his men to push right forward, pell- tailor, but in the present instance figured in mell, pump or no pump; they gallantly a high military station, denominated corporal. obeyed.—After unheard-of acts of bravery, He informed me that v/hat I had mistaken the pump was carried, without the loss of a for a castle was the splendid palace of the man, and the army firmly intrenched itself municipality, and that the supposed attack under the very walls of the castle. The ba- was nothing more than the delivery of a flag shaw had then a council of war with his offi- given by the authorities, to the army, for its cers; the most vigorous measures were re- magnanimous defence of the town for upwards

solved on. An advance guard of musicians of twenty years past, that is, ever since the

were ordered to attack the castle without last war ! O ! my friend, surely every thing in ;

SALMAGUNDI. 27 this country is on a great scale ! The conver- The kiaya, or colonel as he is called, that is, sation insensibly turned upon the military commander of one hundred and twenty men, establishment of the nation ; and I do assure orders his regiment or tribe to collect one thee that my friend, the tailor, though being, mile at least from the place of parade at according to the national proverb, but the eleven. Each captain, or fag-rag as we term ninth part of a man, yet acquitted himself them, commands his squad to meet at ten at on military concerns as ably as the grand least half a mile from the regimental parade bashaw of the empire himself, He observed and to close all, the chief of the eunuchs that their rulers had decided that wars were orders his infernal concert of fifes, trumpets, very useless and expensive, and ill befitting cymbals, and kettle-drums to assemble at an economic, philosophic, nation ; they had, ten ! From that moment the city receives no therefore, made up their minds never to have quarter. All is noise, hooting, hubbub and any wars, and consequently there was no combustion. Every window, door, crack, need of soldiers or military discipline. As, and loop-hole, from the garret to the cellar, however, it was thought highly ornamental is crowded with the fascinating fair of all to a city to have a number of men drest in ages, and of all complexions. The mistress fine clothes and feathers strutting about the smiles through the windows of the drawing- of streets on a holiday—and as the women and room ; the chubby chambermaid lolls out children were particularly fond of such raree the attic casement, and a host of sooty shows, it was ordered that the tailors of the wenches roll their white eyes and grin and different cities throughout the empire should chatter from the cellar door. Every nymph forthwith go to work, and cut out and manu- seems anxious to yield voluntary that tribute facture soldiers as fast as their sheers and which the heroes of their country demand. needles would permit. First struts the chief eunuch or drum-major, These soldiers have no pecuniary pay; at the head of his sable band, magnificently and their only recompense for the immense arrayed in tarnished scarlet. Alexander him- services which they render their country, in self could not have spurned the earth more their voluntary parades, is the plunder of superbly. A host of ragged boys shout in smiles, and winks, and nods, which they ex- his train, and inflate the bosom of the warrior tort from the ladies. As they have no oppor- with tenfold self-complacency. After he has tunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of making in- rattled his kettle-drums through the town, roads on their neighbours, and as it is neces- and swelled and swaggered like a turkey- sary to keep up their military spirit, the town cock before all the dingy Floras, and Dianas, is therefore now and then, but particularly on and Junos, and Didos of his acquaintance, two days of the year, given up to their ravages. he repairs to his place of destination loaded The arrangements are contrived with admi- with a rich booty of smiles and approbation. rable address, so that every officer from the Next comes the fag-rag, or captain, at the bashaw down to the drum-major, the chief head of his mighty band, consisting of one of the eunuchs or musicians, shall have his lieutenant, one ensign or mute, four sergeants, share of that invaluable booty.—the admira- four corporals, one drummer, one flfer, and if tion of the fair. As to the soldiers, poor he has any privates so much the better for animals, they, like the privates in all great himself. In marching to the regimental armies, have to bear the brunt of danger and parade he is sure to paddle through the street fatigue, while the officers receive all the or lane which is honoured with the residence glory and reward. The narrative of a parade of his mistress or intended, whom he reso- day will exemplify this more clcarty. lutely lays under a heavy contribution. Truly The chief bashaw, in the plenitude of his it is delectable to behold these heroes, as authority, orders a grand review of the whole they march along, cast side glances at the army at two o'clock. The bashaw with two upper windows; to collect the smiles, the tails that he may have an opportunity of nods, and the winks, which the enraptured vapouring about as the greatest man on the fair ones lavish profusely on the magnanimous field, orders the army to assemble at twelve. defenders of theii country. ! .

SALMAGUNDI.

The fag-rags having conducted their squads whistle, the standards wave proudly In the to their respective regiments, then comes the air. The signal is given ! thunder roars the turn of the colonel, a bashaw with no tails, cannon ! away goes the bashaw, and away for all eyes are now directed to him : and the go the tails ! The review finished, evolutions fag-rags, and the eunuchs, and the kettle- and military manoeuvres are generally dis- drummers, having had their hour of notoriety, pensed with for three excellent reasons ;— are confounded and lost in the military first, because the army knows very little crowd. The colonel sets his whole regiment about them ; second, because as the country in motion ; and mounted on a mettlesome has determined to remain always at peace, charger, frisks and fidgets, and capers, and there is no necessity for them to know any plunges in front, to the great entertainment thing about them; and third, as it is growing of the multitude, and the great hazard of late, the bashaw must dispatch, or it will be too himself and his neighbours. Having dis- dark for him to get his quota of the plunder. his horse, He of course orders the whole to played himself, his trappings, and army march ; his horsemanship, he at length arrives at the and now, my friend, now comes the tug of war, now is the city place of general rendezvous ; blessed with the completely sacked. Open universal admiration of his country-women. fly the battery-gates—forth sallies the bashaw I should, perhaps, mention a squadron of with his two tails, surrounded by a shouting body hardy veterans, most of whom have seen a guard of boys and negroes ! then pour deal of service during the nineteen or twenty forth his legions, potent as the pismires of the desert years of their existence, and who most gorge- ! the customary salutations of the coun- ously equipped in tight green jackets and try commence—those tokens of joy and admi- breeches, trot and amble, and gallop, and ration, which so much annoyed me on first

3camper like little devils through every street, landing : the air is darkened with old hats, and nook, and corner, and poke-hole, of the shoes, and dead cats ; they fly in showers like city, to the great dread of all old people and the arrows of the Parthians. The soldiers, no sasje matrons with young children. This is ways disheartened, like the intrepid followers of Leonidas, truly sublime ! this is what I call making march gallantly under their shade. a mountain out of a mole-hill. Oh, my On they push, splash-dash, mud or no mud, friend, on what a great scale is every thing down one lane, up another ; —the martial in this country. It is in the style of the music resounds through every street ; the fab- wandering Arabs of the desert El-tih. Is a ones throng to their windows,—the soldiers village to be attacked, or a hamlet to be plun- look every way but straight forward, " Carry dered, the whole desert for weeks beforehand, arms;" cries the bashaw—" tanta ra-ra,'^ is in a buzz ; —such marching and counter- brays the trumpet—" rub-a-dub," roars the marching, ere they can concentrate their drum—" hurraw," shout the ragamuffins. ragged forces ! and the consequence is, that The bashaw smiles with exultation,—every before they can bring their troops into action fag-rag feels himself a hero—" none but the the whole enterprise is blown. brave deserves the fair!" Head of the im-

The army being all happily collected on mortal Amrou, on v/hat a great scale is every the battery, though, perhaps, two hours after thing in this country the time appointed, it is now the turn of the Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair that bashaw, with two tails, to distinguish him- the officers should share all the sports while self. Ambition, my friend, is implanted the privates undergo all the fatigue? Truly alike in every heart, it pervades each bosom my friend, I indulged the same idea, and from the bashaw to the drum-major. This pitied from my heart the poor fellows who is a sage truism, and I trust, therefore, it had to drabble through the mud and the will not be disputed. The bashaw fired with mire, toiling under ponderous cocked hats, ihat thirst for glory, inseparable from the which seemed as unwieldy, and cumbrous, as noble mind, is anxious to reap a full share of the shell which the snail lumbers along on his the laurels of the day, and bear off his portion back. I soon found out, however, that they of female plunder. The drums beat, the fifes have their quantum of notoriety. As soon ;;

SALMAGUNDI. 211 as the army is dismissed, the city swarms thundering long stories they are, let me tell with little scouting parties, who fire off their you : set Will once a-going about China or guns at every corner, to the great delight of Crim Tartary, or the Hottentots, and heaven all the women and children in their vicinity help the poor victim who has to endure his and woe unto any dog, or pig, or hog, that prolixity; he might better be tied to the tail falls in the way of these magnanimous war- of a jack-o'lantern. In one word—Will talks riors; they are shown no quarter. Every like a traveller. Being well acquainted with gentle swain repairs to pass the evening at his character, I was the more alarmed at his the feet of his dulcinea, to play " the sol- inclination to visit a party ; since he has dier tir'd of war's alarms," and to captivate often assured me, that he considered it as her with the glare of his regimentals; ex- equivalent to being stuck up for three hours cepting some ambitious heroes who strut to in a steam-engine. I even wondered how the theatre, flame away in the front boxes, he had received an invitation ; —this he soon and hector every old apple-woman in the accounted for. It seems Will, on his last lobbies. arrival from Canton, had made a present of

Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of a case of tea to a lady, for whom he had once this nation, and its faculty of swelling up entertained a sneaking kindness when at a nothings into importance. Our bashaw of grammar-school ; and she in return had in-

Tripoli will review his troops, of some thou- vited him to come and drink some of it ; a sands, by an early hour in the morning. cheap way enough of paying off little obliga-

Here a review of six hundred men is made tions. I readily acceded to Will's proposi- the migthy work of a day ! With us a ba- tion, expecting much entertainment from his shaw of two tails is never appointed to a eccentric remarks ; and as he has been absent command of less than ten thousand men some few years, I anticipated his surprise at but here we behold every grade, from the the splendour and elegance of a modern rout. bashaw down to the drum-major, in a force On calling for Will in the evening, I found of less than one tenth of the number. By him full dressed, waiting for me. I contem- the beard of Mahomet, but every thing here plated him with absolute dismay. As he still retained is indeed on a great scale ! a spark of regard for the lady who once reigned in his affections, he had been at unusual pains in decorating his per- BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. son, and broke upon my sight arrayed in the I was not a little surprised the other morn- true style that prevailed among our beaux ing at a request from Will Wizard that I some years ago. His hair was turned up and would accompany him that evening tufted at the top, frizzled out at the ears, — to Mrs. a — 's ball. The request was simple enough profusion of powder puffed over the whole, in itself, it was only singular as coming from and a long plaited club swung gracefully from

Will;—-of all my acquaintance Wizard is shoulder to shoulder, describing a pleasing the least calculated and disposed for the semi-circle of powder and pomatum. His society of ladies—not that he dislikes their claret-coloured coat was decorated with a company; on the contrary, like every man profusion of gilt buttons, and reached to his

of pith and marrow, he is a professed ad- calves. His white cassimere small clothes

mirer of the sex ; and had he been bom a were so tight that he seemed to have grown poet, would undoubtedly have bespattered up in them; and his ponderous legs, which and be-rhymed some hard named goddess, are the thickest part of his body, were beau- until she became as famous as Petrarch's tifully clothed in sky-blue silk stockings,

Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa; but Will is once considered so becoming. But above all such a confounded bungler at a bow, has so he prided himself upon his waistcoat of

many odd bachelor habits, and finds it so China silk, which might almost have served a

troublesome to be gallant, that he generally good housewife for a short-gown ; and he prefers smoking his cigar and telling his boasted that the roses and tulips upon it were story among cronies of his own gender:—and the work of Nang-Fou, daughter of the great ; a;

30 SALMAGUNDI.

Chin-Ckm-Fou, who had fallen in love with a comet.—But who, I beg of you, is that the graces of his person, and sent it to him as amiable youth who is handing along a young a parting present ; he assured me she was a lady, and at the same time contemplating his perfect beauty, with sweet obliquity of eyes, sweet person in a mirror as he passes ?" His and a foot no larger than the thumb of an name said I, is Billy Dimple ; —he is a alderman;—he then dilated most copiously universal smiler, and would travel from Dan on his silver sprigged dicky, which he assured to Beersheba and smile on every body as he me was quite the rage among the dashing passed? Dimple is a slave to the ladies— young mandarines of Canton. hero at tea-parties, and is famous at the

I hold it an ill-natured office to put any pirouet and the pigeon-wing ; a fiddle-stick man out of conceit of himself; so, though I is his idol, and a dance his elysium. " A would willingly have made a little alteration very pretty young gentleman, truly," cried in my friend Wizard's picturesque costume, Wizard, " he reminds me of a contemporary yet I politely complimented him on his rakish beau at Hayti. You must know that the appearance. magnanimous Dessalines gave a great ball to On entering the room I kept a good look his court one fine sultry summer's evening out on Will, expecting to see him exhibit Dessy and I were great cronies;—hand and signs of surprise ; but he is one of those glove : —one of the most condescending great knowing fellows who are never surprised at men I ever knew—Such a display of black any thing, or at least will never acknowledge and yellow beauties! such a show of Madras it. He took his stand in the middle of the handkerchiefs, red beads, cocks-tails and floor, playing with his great steel watch- peacocks feathers ! —it was, as here, who should the highest top-knot, drag the chain ; and looking round on the company, wear the furniture and the pictures, with the air of longest tails, or exhibit the greatest variety a man " who had seen d—d finer things in of combs, colours and gew-gaws. In the his time;" and to my utter confusion and middle of the rout, when all was buzz, slip- dismay, I saw him coolly pull out his villan- slop, clack and perfume, who should enter ous old japanned tobacco box, ornamented but Tucky Squash ! The yellow beauties with a bottle, a pipe, and a scurvy motto, blushed blue, and the black ones blushed as and help himself to a quid in face of all the red as they could, with pleasure ; and there company. was a universal agitation of fans : every eye

I knew it was all in vain to find fault with brightened and whitened to see Tucky; for a fellow of Will's socratic turn, who is never he was the pride of the court, the pink of to be put out of humour with himself; so, courtesy, the mirror of fashion, the adoration after he had given his box its prescriptive of all the sable fair ones of Hayti. Such rap, and returned it to his pocket, I drew breadth of nose, such exuberance of lip ! his him into a corner where he might observe shins had the true cucumber curve;—his the company without being prominent ob- face in dancing shone like a kettle ; and jects ourselves. provided you kept to windward of him in

" And pray who is that stylish figure," summer, I do not know a sweeter youth in said Will, " who blazes away in red, like a all Hayti than Tucky Squash. When he che- volcano, and who seems wrapped in flames laughed, there appeared from ear to ear a vaux-de-frize of teeth, that rivalled the shark's like a fiery dragon?"—That, cried I, is Miss in whiteness he could whistle like a north- Laurelia Dashaway ; — she is the highest ; flash of the ton—has much whim and more wester; play on a three-stringed fiddle like Island eccentricity, and has reduced many an un- Apollo; and as to dancing, no Long " happy gentleman to stupidity by her charms negro could shuffle you double-trouble," scien- you see she holds out the red flag in token or " hoe corn and dig potatoes," more Lothario. of " no quarter." " Then keep me safe out tifically: in short he was a second of the sphere of her attractions," cried Will, And the dusky nymphs of Hayti, one and " I would not e'en come in contact with her all, declared him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky without train, lest it should scorch me like the tail of walked about, whistling to himself, ; : ; — ; ,

SALMAGUNDI. 3 3.

regarding any body; and his nonchalance intolerable burst of laughter. What was to was irresistible." be done with such an incorrigible fellow ?— I found Will had gone neck and heels into To add to my distress, the first word he spoke

one of his traveller's stories ; and there is no was to tell Miss Sparkle that something she knowing how far he would have run his said reminded him of a circumstance that parallel between Billy Dimple and Tucky happened to him in China ; —and at it he Squash, had not the music struck up from an went, in the true traveller style—described adjoining apartment, and summoned the com- the Chinese mode of eating rice with chop- pany to the dance. The sound seemed to have sticks ; —entered into a long eulogium on the an inspiring effect on honest Will, and he succulent qualities of boiled bird's nests : procured the hand of an old acquaintance for and I made my escape at the very moment a country dance. It happened to be the when he was on the point of squatting down fashionable one of " The devil among the on the floor, to show how the little Chinese

Tailors," which is so vociferously demanded Joshes sit cross-legged. at every ball and assembly : and many a torn gown, and many an unfortunate toe did rue TO THE LADIES. the dancing of that night ; for Will thun- FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, KSQ. dered down the dance like a coach and six, Though jogging down the hill of life, sometimes right, sometimes wrong ; now run- Without the comfort of a wife ; ning over half a score of little Frenchmen, And though I ne'er a helpmate chose, and now making sad inroads into ladies' cob- To stock my house and mend my hose ; With care my person to adorn, web muslins and spangled tails. As every And spruce me up on Sunday morn ; part of Will's body partook of the exertion, Still do I love the gentle sex, he shook from his capacious head such vo- And still with cares my brain perplex lumes of powder, that like pious Eneas on To keep the fair ones of the age Unsullied as the spotless page the first interview with Queen Dido, he might ; All pure, all simple, all refined, be said to have been enveloped in a cloud. The sweetest solace of mankind. Nor was Will's partner an insignificant figure I hate the loose insidious jest in the scene ; she was a young lady of most To beauty's modest ear addrest, voluminous proportions, that quivered at every And hold that frowns should never fail

To check each smooth, but fulsome tale : skip ; and being braced up in the fashionable But he whose impious pen should dare style with whale-bone, stay-tape, and buck- Invade the morals of the fair ; like apple-pudding ram, looked an tied in the To taint that purity divine middle ; or, taking her flaming dress into Which should each female heart enshrine consideration, like a bed and bolster rolled up Though soft his vicious strains should swell, As those which erst from Gabriel fell, in a suit of red curtains. The dance finished. Should yet be held aloft to shame, I would gladly have taken Will off, — but And foul dishonour shade his name no ; —he was now in one of his happy moods, Judge then, my friends, of my surprise and there was no doing any thing with him. The ire that kindled in my eyes, He insisted on my introducing him to Miss When I relate, that t'other day call to pay Sophy Sparkle, a young lady unrivalled for I went a morning On two young nieces, just come down playful wit and innocent vivacity, and who, To take the polish of the town like a brilliant, adds lustre to the front of By which I mean, no more or less, fashion. I accordingly presented him to her, Than a la francaise to undress ; and began a conversation, in which, I thought, To whirl the modest waltz's rounds, Taught by Duport for snug ten pounds. he might take a share ; but no such thing. To thump and thunder through a song, Will took his stand before her, straddling Play fortes soft and dolces strong like a Colossus, with his hands in his pockets, Exhibit loud piano feats, and air the most profound attention Caught from that crotchet-hero, Meetz i an of ; To drive the rose bloom from the face, nor did he pretend to open his lips for some And fix the lily in its place time, until, upon some lively sally of her's, To doff the white, and in its stead he electrified the whole company with a most To bounce about in brazen red. —; —; —!;: : — ; —

?2 SALMAGUNDI.

While in the parlour I delay'd. Still in compassion to ou. race, Till they their persons had array'd, Who joy, not only in his face, A dapper volume caught my eye, But in that more exalted part, chanc'd to lie The secret That on the window temple of the heart ;

A book's a friend—I always choose Oh ! hide for ever from our view

To turn its pages and peruse : The fatal mischief you pursue It proved those poems known to fame Let Men your praises still exalt,

For praising every cyprian dame ; And none but Angels mourn your fault. The bantlings of a dapper youth, Renown'd for gratitude and truth A little pest, hight Tommy Moore, No. 6. Who hopp'd and skipp'dour country o'er; FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 1807. Who sipp'd our tea, and lived on sops Revell'd on syllabubs and slops, FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. And wheu his brain, of cobweb fine, Was fuddled with five drops of wine, The Cockloft family, of which I have made his puny loves rehearse, Would all such frequent mention, is of great antiquity, And many a maid debauch—in verse. if there be any truth in the genealogical tree

Surprised to meet in open view, which hangs up in my cousin's library. A book of such lascivious hue, They trace their descent from a celebrated but they say, I chid my nieces— Roman Knight, cousin to the progenitor of •Tis all the passion of the day ; his Majesty of Britain, who left his native That many a fashionable belle country Will with enraptured accents dwell on occasion of some disgust ; and On the sweet morceau she has found coming into Wales, became a great favourite curst compound In this delicious, of Prince Madoc, and accompanied that fa- mous argonaut in the voyage which ended in Soft do the tinkling numbers roll, And lure to vice the unthinking soul; the discovery of this continent. Though a They tempt by softest sounds away, member of the family, I have sometimes ven- entranced the heart astray They lead tured to doubt the authenticity of this portion And Satan's doctrine sweetly sing, of their annals, to the great vexation of cousin As with a seraph's heavenly string. Such sounds, so good, old Homer sung, Christopher, who is looked up to as the head

Once warbled from the sirens tongue ; of our house ; and who, though as orthodox pour Sweet melting tones were heard to as a bishop, would sooner give up the whole Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ;— decalogue than lop off a single limb of the Seductive strains in ether float, family tree. From time immemorial, it has And every wild deceitful note That could the yielding heart assail, been the rule for the Cocklofts to marry one the breathing gale Were wafted on ; of their own name ; and, as they always bred And every gentle accent bland like rabbits, the family has increased and To tempt Ulysses to their strand. multiplied like that of Adam and Eve. In so base And can it be this book truth their number is almost incredible ; and window-case ? Is laid on every you can hardly go into any part of the coun- profane Oh ! fair ones, if you will try without starting a warren of genuine Those breasts where heaven itself should reign And throw those pure recesses wide, Cocklofts. Every person of the least obser-

Where peace and virtue should reside ; vation, or experience, must have observed, let pile admit To the holy that where this practice of marrying cousins A guest unhallowed and unfit and second cousins prevails in a family, every Pray, like the frail ones of the night, Who hide their wanderings from the light, member, in the course of a few generations,

So let your errors secret be, becomes queer, humourous, and original ; as And hide, at least, your fault from me much distinguished from the common race of Seek some bye corner to exploi'e mongrels as if he was of a different species. The smooth polluted pages o'er : There drink the insidious poison in, This has happened in our family, and parti-

There slily nurse your souls for sin : cularly in that branch of it of which Christo- And while that purity you blight pher Cockloft, Esq. is the head. Christopher Which stamps you messengers of light, is, in fact, the only married man of the name And sap those mounds the gods bestow, To keep you spotless here below who resides in town ; his family is sraaJ. SALMAGUNDI. 33 having lost most of his children when young, the name of a Pagan writer, famous for his by the excessive care he took to bring them love of boxing-matches, wrestling, and horse- up like vegetables. This was one of his first racing. To sum up all her qualifications in whim-whams, and a confounded one it was ; the shortest possible way, Mrs. Cockloft is, in as his children might have told, had they not the true sense of the phrase, a good sort of a fallen victims to his experiment before they woman ; and I often congratulate my cousfii could talk. He had got, from some quack on possessing her. The rest of the family philosopher or other, a notion that there was consists of Jeremy Cockloft, the younger, a complete analogy between children and who has already been mentioned, and the two plants, and that they ought to be both reared Miss Cocklofts, or rather the young ladies, as alike. Accordingly he sprinkled them every they have been called by the servants time morning with water, laid them out in the sun, out of mind ; not that they are really young, as he did his geraniums ; and, if the season the younger being somewhat on the shady was remarkably dry, repeated this wise expe- side of thirty—but it has ever been the cus- riment three or four times of a morning. tom to call every member of the family young

The consequence was, the poor little souls under fifty. In, the south-east corner of the died one after the other, except Jeremy and house, I hold quiet possession of an old- his two sisters ; who, to be sure, are a trio of fashioned apartment, where myself and my as odd, runty, mummy-looking originals as elbow-ohair are suffered to amuse ourselves ever Hogarth fancied in his most happy undisturbed, save at meal times. This apait- moments. Mrs. Cockloft, the larger if not ment old Cockloft has facetiously denomi- the better half of my cousin, often remon- nated Cousin Launce's Paradise ; and the strated against this vegetable theory; and good old gentleman has two or three favourite even brought the parson of the parish, in jokes about it, which are served up as regu- which my cousin's country house is situated, larly as the standing family-dish of beef- to her aid ; but in vain : Christopher per- steaks and onions, which every day maintains sisted, and attributed the failure of his plan its station at the foot of the table, in defiance to its not having been exactly conformed to. of mutton, poultry, or even venison itself. As I have mentioned Mrs. Cockloft, I may Though the family Is apparently small, as well say a little more about her while I am yet, like most old establishments of the kind, hi the humour. She is a lady of wonderful it does not y&nt for honorary members. It notability, a warm admirer of shining maho- is the city rendezvous of the Cocklofts ; and gany, clean hearths, and her husband, who we are continually enlivened by the company she considers the wisest man in the world, pf half a score of uncles, aunts, and cousins in bating Will Wizard and the parson pf our the fortieth remove, from all parts of the parish ; the last of whom is her oracle on all country, who profess a wonderful regard fcr occasions. She goes constantly to church Cousin Christopher, and overwhelm every every Sunday and Saint's day, and insists member of his household, down to the coo k upon it that no man is entitled to ascend a in the kitchen, with their attentions. "VTe pulpit unless he has been ordained by a have for three weeks past been greeted with bishop ; nay, so far does she carry her ortho- the .company pf two worthy old spinsters, who doxy, that all the arguments in the world came down from the country to settle a law- will never persuade her that a Presbyterian suit. They have done little else but retail or Baptist, or even a Calvinist, has any pos- stories of their village neighbours, knit stock- sible chance of going to heaven. Above every ings, and take snufF, all the time they have thing else, however, she abhors Paganism; been here ; the whole family are bewildered can scarcely refrain from laying violent-hands with church-yard tales of sheeted ghosts, on a Pantheon when she meets with it ; and white horses without heads, and with large was very nigh going into hysterics, when my goggle eyes in their buttocks ; and not one of cousin insisted that one of his boys should be the old servants dare budge an inch after dark christened after our laureate, because the par- without a numerous company at his heels. ispa pf the parish had told her that Pindar was My cousin's visitors, however, always return D 3 M SALMAGUNDI.

his hospitality with due gratitude, and now ark—resembling marvellously, in gravity of and then remind him of their fraternal regard, demeanour, those sober animals which may be by a present of a pot of apple sweetmeats, or seen any day of the year in the streets of Phi- a barrel of sour cider at Christmas. Jeremy ladelphia, walking their snail's pace, a dozen displays himself to great advantage among his in a row, and harmoniously jingling their country relations, who all think him a pro- bells. Whim-whams are the inheritance of digy, and often stand astounded, in " gaping the Cocklofts, and every member of the house- wonderment," at his natural philosophy. He hold is a humourist sui generis, from the lately frightened a simple old uncle almost master down to the footman. The very cats out of his wits, by giving it as his opinion and dogs are humourists ; and we have a little that the earth would one day be scorched to runty scoundrel of a cur, who, whenever the ashes by the eccentric gambols of the famous church bells ring, will run to the street door, comet, so much talked of; and positively turn up his nose in the wind, and howl most asserted that this world revolved round the piteously. Jeremy insists that this is owing sun, and that the moon was certainly inha- to a peculiar delicacy in the organization of bited. his ears, and supports his position by many The family mansion bears equal marks of learned arguments which nobody can under- antiquity with its inhabitants. As the Cock- stand ; but I am of opinion that it is a mere lofts are remarkable for their attachment to Cockloft whim-wham, which the little cur every thing that has remained long in the fa- indulges, being descended from a race of dogs mily, they are bigoted towards their old edi- Which has flourished in the family ever since the fice, and I dare say would sooner have it time of my grandfather. A propensity to save every thing that bears crumble about their ears than abandon it. the stamp of family antiquity, The consequence is, it has been so patched has accumulated an abun- dance of up and repaired, that it has become as full of trumpery and rubbish with which the house is encumbered, from the cellar to whims and oddities as its tenants ; requires to be nursed and humoured like a gouty old the garret ; and every room, and closet, and corner, is crammed with three-legged chairs, codger of an alderman ; and reminds one of the famous ship in which a certain admiral clocks without hands, swords without scab- circumnavigated the globe, which was so bards, cocked hats, broken candlesticks, and patched and timbered, in order to preserve so looking-glasses, with frames carved into fan- great a curiosity, that at length not a particle tastic shapes of feathered sheep, woolly birds, of the original remained. Whenever the wind and other animals that have no name except

blov/s, the old mansion makes a most perilous in books of heraldry. The ponderous maho- gany chairs in the parlour are of such un- groaning ; and every storm is sure to make a day's work for the carpenter, who attends wieldy proportions, that it is quite a serious to gallant across the upon it as regularly as the family physician. undertaking one of them This predilection for every thing that has been room ; and sometimes make a most equivocal long in the family, shows itself in every par- noise when you set down in a hurry : the little lacquered ticular. The domestics are all grown grey in mantle-piece is decorated with of which are the service of our house. We"have a little, earthen shepherdesses, some old, crusty, grey-headed negro, who has lived without toes, and others without noses ; and through two or three generations of Hie Cock- the fire-place is garnished out with Dutch of Scripture lofts, and, of course, has become a personage tiles, exhibiting a great variety soul of a cousin of no little importance in the household. He pieces, which my good old in explaining. Poor calls all the family by their Christian names; takes infinite delight does poison; for tells long stories about how he dandled them Jeremy hates them as he younker, he was obliged by his mo- on his knee when they were children ; and is while a tile every Sun- a complete Cockloft chronicle for the last ther to learn the history of a would permit him to seventy years. The family carriage was day morning before she terrible affair made in the last French war, and the old join his playmates : this was a learned horses were most indubitably foaled in Noah's for Jeremy, who, by the time be had ;; ;

SALMAGUNDI. 35 the last had forgotten the first, and was obliged palling " Well, Sir, what do you want

his stories by heart ; and when he enters may see, if you take good note, a lurking

upon one, it reminds me of Newark causeway, smile of contempt in the corner of his eye, where the traveller sees the end at the distance which marks a decided disapprobation of the of several miles. To the great misfortune of sound. He once, in the fulness of his heart, all his acquaintance, cousin Cockloft is blest observed to me that green peas were a month with a most provoking retentive memory, later than they were under the old govern- and can give day and date, and name and ment. But the most eccentric manifestation age and circumstance, with most unfeeling of loyalty he ever gave, was making a voyage precision. These, however, are but trivial to Halifax for no other reason under heaven foibles, forgotten or remembered only with a but to hear his Majesty prayed for in church, kind of tender respectful pity, by those who as he used to be here formerly. This he never

know with "rfriat a rich redundant harvest of could fairly be brought to acknowledge ; but

kindness and generosity his heart is stored. it is a certain fact, I assure you. It is not a It would delight you to see with what social little singular that a person, as much given gladness he welcomes a visitor into his house to long story-telling as my cousin, should and the poorest man that enters his door take a liking to another of the same character never leaves it without a eordial invitation to but so it is with the old gentleman—his sit down and drink a glass of wine. By the prime favourite and companion is Will

honest farmers round his country seat, he is Wizard, who is almost a member of the fa-

looked up to with love and reverence ; they mily, and will sit before the fire, with his

never pass him by without his inquiring after feet on the massy andirons, and smoke his the welfare of their families, and receiving a cigar, and screw his phiz, and spin away cordial shake of his liberal hand. There are tremendous long stories of his travels, for a but two classes of people who are thrown whole evening, to the great delight of the out of the reach of his hospitality and old gentleman and lady, and especially of the these are Frenchmen and Democrats. The young ladies, who, like Desdemona, do " se-

old gentleman considers it treason against the riously incline," and listen to him with innu- majesty of good breeding to speak to any merable " O dears," " is it possibles," visitor with his hat on: but the moment a " goody graciouses," and look upon him democrat enters his door, he forthwith bids as a second Sinbad the sailor.

his man Pompey bring his hat, puts it on The Miss Cocklofts, whose pardon I crave his head, and salutes him with an ap- for not having particularly introduced them D 2 ;

30 SALMAGUNDI.

tiefore, are a pair of delectable damsels ; who corner of the street, and worry and frisk and . tiaving purloined and locked up the family. amble and caper before, behind, and round t>ible, pass for just what age they please to about the fashionable belles, like old ponies ^alead guilty to. Barbara, the eldest, has in a pasture, striving to supply the absence M)ng since resigned the character of a belle, of youthful whim and hilarity, by grimaces and adopted that staid, sober, demure, snuff- and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have taking air, becoming her years and discretion. sometimes seen one of these " reverend She is a good-natured soul, whom I ne/er youths" endeavouring to elevate his wintry saw in a passion but once ; and that was oc- passions into something like love, by basking casioned by seeing an old favourite beau of in the sunshine of beauty ; and it did remind her's kiss the hand of a pretty blooming girl me of an old moth attempting to fly through and, in truth, she only got angry because, as a pane of glass towards a light without ever she very properly said, it was spoiling the approaching near enough to warm itself, or child. Her sister Margery, or Maggie, as scorch its wings. she is familiarly termed, seemed disposed to Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a maintain her post as a belle, until a few family that went more by tangents than the months since ; when accidentally hearing a Cocklofts—Every thing is governed by whim; gentleman observe that she broke very fast, and if one member starts a new freak, away she suddenly left off going to the assembly, all the rest follow on like wild geese in a took a cat into high favour, and began to rail string. As the family, the servants, the at the forward pertness of young misses. horses, cats and dogs, have all grown old From that moment I set her down for an old together, they have accommodated themselves maid ; and so she is, " by the hand of my to each others habits completely ; and though body." The young ladies are still visited every body of them is full of odd points, by some half dozen of veteran beaux, who angles, rhomboids, and ins and outs, yet grew und flourished in the haut ton when some how or other, they harmonize together the Miss Cocklofts were quite children, but like so many straight lines ; and it is truly a have been brushed rather rudely by the hand grateful and refreshing sight to see them of time, who, to say the truth, can do almost agree so well. Should one, however, get out any thing but make people young. They are, of tune, it is like a cracked fiddle, the whole notwithstanding, still warm candidates for concert is ajar; you perceive a cloud over female favour ; look venerably tender, and every brow in the house, and even the old repeat over and over the same honeyed chairs seem to creak affetuoso. If my cousin, speeches and sugared sentiments to the little as he is rather apt to do, betray any symp- belles that they poured so profusely into the toms of vexation or uneasiness, no matter ears of their mothers. I beg leave here to about what, he is worried to death with in- give notice, that by this sketch, I mean quiries, which answer no other end but to demonstrate the good will of the inquirer, no reflection on old bachelors : on the con- trary I hold that next to a fine lady, the ne and put him in a passion ; for every body it is in plus ultra, an old bachelor is the most charm- knows how provoking to be cut short

fit of the blues, by an impertinent question ing being upon earth ; in as much as by living a ?" in " single blessedness," he of course does about " what is the matter when a man can't tell himself. I remember a few months just as he pleases ; and if he has any genius, must acquire a plentiful stock of whims, and ago the old gentleman came home in quite a the mastiff, out oddities, and whalebone habits ; without squall ; kicked poor Caesar, which I esteem a man to be mere beef with- of his way, as he came through the hall; out mustard, good for nothing at all, but to threw his hat on the table with most violent run on errands for ladies, take boxes at the emphasis, and pulling out his box, took three theatre, and act the part of a screen at tea- huge pinches of snuff, and threw a fourth parties, or a walking-stick in the streets. I into the cat's eyes as he sat purring his merely speak of those old boys who infest astonishment by the fire-side. This was

public walks, pounce upon ladies from every enough to set the body politic going ; Mrs.; ;

SALMAtfUNDL 37

Cockloft began " my dearing.!' it as fast as by modern criticism. He, however, is pleased tongue could move; the young ladies took to acknowledge that our theatre is not so des- each a stand at an elbow of his chair ; Jeremy picable, all things considered ; and really marshalled in rear ; the servants came tumb- thinks Cooper one of our best actors. The ling in; the mastiff put up an inquiring play was Othello, and, to speak my mind nose; and even grimalkin, after he had freely, I think I have seen it performed much cleansed his whiskers and finished sneezing, worse in my time. The actors, I firmly be- discovered indubitable signs of sympathy. lieve, did their best; and whenever this is

After the most affectionate inquiries on all the case no man has a right to find fault with sides, it turned out that my cousin, in cross- them in my opinion. Little Rutherford, ing the street, had got his silk stockings the Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, bespattered with mud by a coach, which it looked as big as possible; and what he seems belonged to a dashing gentleman who wanted in size, he made up in frowning. I had formerly supplied the family with hot like frowning in tragedy ; and if a man but rolls and muffins ! Mrs. Cockloft thereupon keeps his forehead in proper wrinkle, talks turned up her eyes, and the young ladies big, and takes long strides on the stage, I

their noses ; and it would have edified a always set him down as a great tragedian whole congregation to hear the conversation and so does my friend Snivers. which took place concerning the insolence of Before the first act was over, Snivers be- upstarts, and the vulgarity of would-be gen- gan to flourish his critical wooden sword like tlemen and ladies, who strive to emerge from a harlequin. He first found fault with low life by dashing about in carriages to pay Cooper for not having made himself as black

a visit two doors off; giving parties to people as a negro ; "for," said he, "that Othello

who laugh at them and cutting all their old was an arrant black, appears from several ex-

' friends.* pressions of the play ; as, for instance, thick

lips,' ' sooty bosom,' and a variety of others. THEATRICS. I am inclined to think," continued he, " that BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. Othello was an Egyptian by birth, from the circumstance of the handkerchief given to his I went a few evenings since to the theatre

native of that country ; and, if accompanied by my friend Snivers, the Cock- mother by a

so, he certainly as black as hat ; for ney, who is a man deeply read in the history was my of Cinderella, Valentine and Crson, Blue Herodotus has told us, that the Egyptians

flat hair ; clear proof Beard, and all those recondite works so ne- had noses and frizzled a that they were all negroes." He did not con- cessary to enable a man to understand the fine his strictures to this single error of the modern drama. Snivers is one of those into- to run him down in toto. lerable fellows who will never be pleased actor, but went on Phila- with any thing until he has turned and In this he was seconded by a red-hot delphian, who proved, by a string of most twisted it divers ways, to see if it corresponds eloquent logical puns, that Fennel was un- with his notions of congruity; and as he is better actor none of the quickest in his ratiocinations, questionably in every respect a contend he will sometimes come out with his appro- than Cooper. I knew it was vain to obstinate bation, when every body else has forgotten with him, since I recollected a most trial of skill these two great Roscii had last the cause which excited it. Snivers is, more- Cooper brandished over, a great critic, for he finds fault with spring in Philadelphia. his blood-stained dagger at the theatre—Fen- every thing ; this being what I understand nel flourished his snuff-box and shook his * The freedom apparent in this sketch of the wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate Phi- Cocklofts, renders it extremely improhable that the at loss to de- authors of Salmagundi, contrary to their repeated ladelphians were a long time a declaration, had " individuals and not the species" cide which deserved the palm. The literati in their view yet common rumour has asserted that ; were inclined to give it to Cooper, because it was designed to represent the Livingstons of iNew his name was the most fruitful in puns ; but York—a family of long standing and great respecta- that bility.-E»IT. then, on the other side, it was contended D 3 ; ;

?>n SALMAGUNDI*

Fennel was the best Greek scholar. Scarcely very fine !" " Pardon me," said my friend was the town of Strasburgh in a greater hub- Snivers, " this is damnable ! —the gesture, bub about the courteous stranger's nose ; and my dear sir, only look at the gesture ! how it was well that the doctors of the university horrible ! Do you not observe that the actor did not get into the dispute, else it might have slaps his forehead, whereas, the passion not become a battle of folios. At length, after having arrived at the proper height, he should much excellent argument had been expended only have slapped his—pocket-flap ?—This on both sides, recourse was had to Cocker's figure of rhetoric is a most important stage

Arithmetic and a carpenter's rule ; the rival trick, and the proper management of it is candidates were both measured by one of their what peculiarly distinguishes the great actor most steady-handed critics, and by the most from the mere plodding mechanical buffoon. exact measurement it was proved that Mr. Different degrees of passion require different Fennel was the greater actor by three inches slaps, which we critics have reduced to a per- and a quarter. Since this demonstration of fect manual, improving upon the principle his inferiority, Cooper has never been able to adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding hold up his head in Philadelphia. that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine In order to change a conversation in which as thus—the actor, for a minor burst of pas- my favourite suffered so much, I made some sion, merely slaps his pocket-hole ; good !— inquiries of the Philadelphian concerning the for a major burst, he slaps his breast ; very two heroes of his theatre, Wood and Cain good ! —but for a burst maximus, he whacks but I had scarcely mentioned their names, away at his forehead, like a brave fellow

! finer than when, whack ! he threw a whole handful of this is excellent —nothing can be the forehead from one end puns in my face ; 'twas like a bowl of cold an exit, slapping water. I turned on my heel, had recourse to of the stage to the other." "Except," re- my tobacco-box, and said no more about plied I, " one of those slaps on the breast, admired in some of Wood and Cain ; nor will I ever more, if I which I have sometimes

can help it, mention their names in the pre- our fat heroes and heroines, which make their sence of a Philadelphian. Would that they whole body shake and quiver like a pyramid jelly." could leave off punning ! for Hove every soul of of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their The Philadelphian had listened to this con- own generous hearts, and boundless as their versation with profound attention, and ap- hospitality. peared delighted with Snivers' mechanical

During the performance, I kept an eye on strictures ; 'twas natural enough in a man the countenance of my friend, the cockney— who chose an actor as he would a grenadier. because, having come all the way from Eng- He took the opportunity of a pause to enter

land, and having seen Kemble once, on a into a long conversation with my friend ; and

visit which he made from the button-manu- was receiving a prodigious fund of informa- factory to Lunnun, I thought his phiz might tion concerning the true mode of emphasising serve as a kind of thermometer to direct my conjunctions, shifting scenes, snuffing can- manifestations of applause or disapprobation. dles, and making thunder and lightning, bet-

I might as well have looked at the backside ter than you can get every day from the sky,

of his head ; for I could not, with all my as practised at the royal theatres ; when, as

peering, perceive by his features that he was ill luck would have it, they happened to run pleased with any thing—except himself. His their heads full butt against a new reading. hat was twitched a little on one side, as much Now this was " a stumper," as our old friend as to say, " demme, I'm your sorts :" he was Paddle would say; for the Philadelphians the sucking the end of a little stick ; he was are as inveterate new-reading hunters as

" gemman " from head to foot ; but as to his cockneys, and, for aught I know, as well

face, there was no more expression in it than skilled in finding them out. The Philadel- in the face of a Chinese lady on a tea-cup. phian thereupon met the cockney on his own

On Cooper's giving one of his gunpowder ground ; and at it they went, like two invete- explosions of passion I exclaimed, " fine, rate curs, at a bone. Snivers quoted Theo- —

SALMAGUNDI. m

bald, Hanmer, and a host of learned com- on another tack; and began to find fault

mentators, who have pinned themselves on with Cooper's manner of dying ; " it was the sleeve of Shakspeare's immortality, and not natural," he said, " for it had lately been made the old bard, like General Washington, demonstrated, by a learned doctor of physic, in General Washington's life, a most dimi- that when a man is mortally stabbed, he

nutive figure in his own book ; his opponent ought to take a flying leap of at least five feet, c chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, and thun- and drop down dead as a salmon in a fish- dered him forward like an elephant to bear monger's basket.' Whenever a man, in the down the ranks of the enemy. I was not predicament above mentioned, departed from long in discovering that these two precious this fundamental rule, by falling flat down, judges had got hold of that unlucky passage like a log, and rolling about for two or three of Shakspeare, which, like a straw, has tickled minutes, making speeches all the time, the

and puzzled and confounded many a somni- said learned doctor maintained that it was ferous buzzard of past and present time. It owing to the waywardness of the human mind, was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that which delighted in flying in the face of na-

heaven had made her such a man as Othello. ture, and dying in defiance of all her esta- Snivers insisted, that " the gentle Desdemona" blished rules." I replied, " for my part, I held merely wished for such a man for a husband, that every man had a right of dying in what-

which in all conscience was a modest wish ever position he pleased ; and that the mode enough, and very natural in a young lady who of doing it depended altogether on the pecu- might possibly have had a predilection for liar character of the person going to die. A

flat noses ; like a certain philosophical great Persian could not die in peace unless he had his

man of our day.* The Philadelphian con- face turned to the east ; a Mahometan would

tended with all the vehemence of a member always choose to have his towards Mecca ; a of Congress, moving the house to have Frenchman might prefer this mode of throw-

" whereas," or " also," or " nevertheless," ing a somerset ; but Mynheer Van Brumble- struck out of a bill, that the young lady bottom, the Roscius of Rotterdam, always wished heaven had made her a man instead of chose to thunder down on his seat of honour a woman, in order that she might have an whenever he received a mortal wound. Being opportunity of seeing the " anthropophagi, a man of ponderous dimensions, this had a

and the men whose heads do grow beneath most electrifying effect, for the whole theatre their shoulders;" which was a very natural " shook like Olympus at the nod of Jove." wish, considering the curiosity of the sex. The Philadelphian was immediately inspired

On being referred to, I incontinently decided with a pun, and swore that Mynheer must be in favour of the honourable member who great in a dying scene, since he knew how to

spoke last ; inasmuch as I think it was a very make the most of his latter end.

foolish, and therefore very natural, wish for It is the inveterate cry of stage-critics, that a young lady to make before a man she wished an actor does not perform the character natu- to marry. It was, moreover, an indication rally, if by chance he happens not to die ex- of the violent inclination she felt to wear the actly as they would have him. I think the

breeches, which was afterwards, in all proba- exhibition of a play at Pekin would suit them

bility, gratified, if we may judge from the exactly ; and I wish, with all my heart, they title of " our Captain's Captain," given her would go there and see one : nature is there by Cassio, a phrase which, in my opinion, in- imitated with the most scrupulous exactness dicates that Othello was, at that time, most in every trifling particular. Here an unhappy ignominiously hen-pecked. I believe my ar- lady or gentleman, who happens unluckily to guments staggered Snivers himself, for he be poisoned or stabbed, is left on the stage to looked confoundedly queer, and said not an- writhe and groan, and make faces at the other word on the subject. audience, until the poet pleases they should

A little while after, at it he went again die ; while the honest folks of the dramatis

persona, bless their hearts ! all crowd round * A llu-ling to a penchant winch Mr. Jefferson was eaidHo eiiteitahi for an African beauty. Edit. and yielcl most potent assistanee, by crying ;

40 SALMAGUNDL

and lamenting most vociferously ! The audi- respecting the nature of the government by ence, tender souls, pull out their white pocket, which I am held in durance. Though my handkerchiefs, wipe their eyes, blow their inquiries for that purpose have been indus- noses, and sWear it is natural as life, while trious, yet I am not perfectly satisfied with the poor actor is left to die without common their results ; for thou mayest easily imagine Christian comfort. In China, on the contrary, that the vision of a captive is overshadowed the first thing they do is to run for the doctor by the mists of illusion and prejudice, and and tchoouc^ or notary. The audience are the horizon of his speculations must be limited entertained throughout the fifth act with a indeed. I find that the people of this coun* learned consultation of physicians, and if the try are strangely at a loss to determine the patient must die, he does it secundum, artem^ nature and proper character of their go- and always is allowed time to make his will. vernment : even their dervises are extremely The celebrated Chow-Chow was the com- in the dark as to this particular, and are pletest hand I ever saw at killing himself; continually indulging in the most prepos- he always carried under his robe a bladder of terous disquisitions on the subject ! Some bull's blood, which, when he gave the mortal have insisted that it savours of an aristocracy

Stab, spirted out, to the infinite delight of others maintain that it is a pure democracy ; the audience. Not that the ladies of China and a third set of theorists declare absolutely; are more fond of the sight of blood than those that it is nothing more nor less than a mobo- of our own country; on the contrary, they cracy. The latter, I must confess, though still wide in error, have come nearest to the are remarkably sensitive in this particular ; and we are told by the great Linkum Fidelius, truth. You, of course, must understand the that the beautiful Ninny Consequa, one of meaning of these different words, as they are the ladies of the Emperor's seraglio, once derived from the ancient Greek language, and fainted away on seeing a favourite slave's nose bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of these bleed ; since which time refinement has been poor infidels, who cannot utter a learned carried to such a pitch, that a buskined hero phrase without laying the dead languages is not allowed to run himself through the body under contribution. A man, my dear Asem, in the face of the audience. The immortal who talks good sense in his native tongue, is

Chow-Chow, in conformity to this absurd held in tolerable estimation in this country ; prejudice, whenever he plays the part of but a fool, who clothes his feeble ideas in a to Othello, which is reckoned his masterpiece, foreign or antique garb, is bowed down as always keeps a bold front, stabs himself slily a literary prodigy. While I conversed with English, I but little behind, and is dead before any body suspects these people in plain was that he has given the mortal blow. attended to ; but the moment I prosed away every one looked up to me with P. S.—Just as this was going to press, I in Greek, was informed by Evergreen that Othello had veneration as an oracle. not been performed here the Lord knows Although the dervises differ widely in the particulars abovementioned, yet they all when : —no matter ; I am not the first that their government one of the has criticised a play without seeing it ; and agree in terming this critique will answer for the last perform- most pacific in the known world. I cannot smiling, at ance, if that was a dozen years ago. help pitying their ignorance, and times, to see into what ridiculous errors those

nations will - wander who are unenlightened No. 7- by the precepts of Mahomet, our divine SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807 prophet, and uninstructed by the five-hundred LETTER and forty-nine books of wisdom of the im- FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB RELI-KHAN mortal Ibrahim Hassan al Fusti. To call It To Asem Hacchem, principal slave-driver to this nation pacific ! Most preposterous ! his Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli. reminds me of the title assumed by the

I promised in a former letter, good Asem, Sheik of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs, that I would furnish thee with a few hints that desolate the valleys of Belsaden, who !

SALMAGUNDI* 41 styles himself " Star of Courtesy—Beam of seasons be engaged in these employments, !" the Mercy Seat they have accommodated themselves by ap- The simple truth of the matter is, that pointing knights, or constant Warriors, inces- these people are totally ignorant of their own sant brawlers, similar to those who, in former

true character ; for, accoiding to the best of ages, swore eternal enmity to the followers of my observation, they are the most warlike, our divine Prophet. These knights, deno* and I must say, the most savage nation that mmated editors, or slang-whangers, are ap-

I have as yet discovered among all fee bar- pointed in every town, village, and district, to barians. They are not only at war, in their carry on both foreign and eternal warfare, and own way, with almost every nation on earth, may be said to keep up a constant firing " in

but they are at the same time engaged in the words." O ! my friend, could you but witness most complicated knot of civil wars that ever the enormities sometimes committed by these infested any poor unhappy country on which tremendous slang-whangers, your very turban

Alia has denounced his malediction I would rise with horror and astonishment. I

To let thee at once into a secret, which is have seen them extend their ravages even into unknown to these people themselves, their the kitchens of their opponents, and annihi-

government is a pure, unadulterated logo- late the very cook with a blast; and I do or these warriors cracyJ government of words. The whole assure thee, I beheld one of nation does every thing viva voce^ or by word attack a most venerable Bashaw, and at one

of mouth ; and in this manner is one of the stroke of his pen lay him open from the most military nations in existence.—Every waistband of his breeches to his chin man who has what is here called the gift of There has been a civil wai carrying on the gab, that is a plentiful stock of verbo- with great violence for some time past, in

sity, becomes a soldier outright, and is for consequence of a conspiracy, among the higher

ever in a militant state. The country is en- classes, to dethrone his Highness the present his stead. I tirely defended v'% et lingua—that is to say, Bashaw, and place another in by force of tongues. The account which I was mistaken when I formerly asserted to lately wrote to our friend the snorer, respect- thee that this disaffection arose from his ing the immense army of six hundred men, wearing red breeches. It is true the nation have long held that colour in great detesta- makes nothing against this observation ; that dispute they formidable body being kept up, as I have al- tion, in consequence of a had the barbarians ready observed, only to amuse their fair coun- 3ome twenty years since with trywomen by their splendid appearance and of the British Islands. The colour, how- ever, rising into favour, as the ladies nodding plumes, and are, by way of distinc- is again have transferred it to their heads from the tion, denominated the " defenders of the fair." Bashaw's body. The true reason, I am ttold, In a logocracy, thou well knowest there is is, that the Bashaw absolutely refuses to be- little or no occasion for fire-arms, or any lieve in the Deluge, and in the story of such destructive weapons. Every offensive Balaam's ass ; maintaining that this animal or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle and was never yet permitted to talk except in a paper war ; —he who has the longest genuine logocracy, where, it is true, his voice tongue or readiest quill is sure to gain the victory may often be heard, and is listened to with ; will carry horror, abuse, and ink- re^rence, " of the sovereign shed, into the very trenches of the enemy, and, as the voice without mercy or remorse, put men, women, people." Nay, so far did he carry his obsti- and children, to nacy, that he absolutely invited a professed the point of the pen ! There is still preserved in this country Antediluvian from the Gallic Empire, who illuminated prin- some remains of that Gothic spirit of knight the whole country with his ciples and his nose.* to errantry which so much annoyed the faithful — This was enough

set the nation in a blaze ; every slang-whanger in the middle ages of the Hegira. As, not- withstanding their martial disposition, they * A gentle reproof directed against Mr. Jefferson for the indiscretion he committed in inviting Paine are a people much given to commerce and to America, and openly taking him under his protec- agriculture,. and must necessarily, at certain tion.—Ed ;! —

42 SALMAGUNDI.

the in which these resorted to his tongue or his pen ; and fox to show you manner seven years have they carried on a most in- bloody, or rather windy fellows fight : it is human war, in which volumes of words have the only mode allowable in a logocracy or go- been expended, oceans of ink have been shed vernment of words. I would also observe that nor has any mercy been shown to age, sex, the civil wars have a thousand ramifications. or condition. Every day have these siang- While the fury of the battle rages in the whangers made furious attacks on each other, metropolis, every little town and village has and upon their respective adherents—dis- a distinct broil, growing like excrescences out charging their heavy artillery, consisting of the grand national altercation, or rather

of large sheets, loaded with scoundrel ! vil- agitating within it, like those complicated pieces ' c lain ! liar ! rascal ! numskull ! nincompoop of mechanism where there is a wheel dunderhead! wiseacre! blockhead! jackass! within a wheel." —and I do swear, by my beard, though I But in nothing is the verbose nature of know thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in this government more evident than in its some of these skirmishes the Grand Bashaw grand national Divan, or Congress, where the

himself has been wofully pelted ! yea, most laws are framed. This is a blustering, windy igncminously pelted ! —and yet have these assembly, where every thing is carried by

talking desperadoes escaped without the noise, tumult, and debate : for thou must

bastinado ! know, that the members of this assembly do Every now and then a slang-whanger, who not meet together to find wisdom in the has a longer head, or rather a longer tongue multitude of counsellors, but to wrangle, call

than the rest, will elevate his piece and dis- each other hard names, and hear themselves charge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled talk. When the Congress opens, the Bashaw

at the head of the Emperor of France, the first sends them a long message, i. e. a huge

King of England, or, wouldst thou believe it, mass of words vox et preterea nihil, all

O ! Asem, even at his sublime Highness the meaning nothing ; because it only tells them Bashaw of Tripoli! These long pieces are what they perfectly know already. Then the loaded with single ball, or langrage, as whole assembly are thrown into a ferment, tyrant! usurper! robber! tiger! monster! and have a long talk about the quantity of and thou mayest well suppose they occasion words that are to be returned in answer to

great distress and dismay in the camps of the this message ; and here arises many disputes enemy, and are marvellously annoying to the about the correction and alteration of " if so crowned heads at which they are directed. be's," and " how so ever's." A month, The slang-whanger, though perhaps the mere perhaps, is spent in thus determining the champion of a village, having fired off his precise number of words, the answer shall shot, struts about with great self-congratula- contain; and then another, most probably,

tion, chuckling at the prodigious bustle he in concluding whether it shall be carried to must have occasioned, and seems to ask of the Bashaw on foot, on horseback, or in every stranger, " Well, Sir, what do they coaches. Having settled this weighty matter,

think of me in Europe."* This is sufficient they next fall to work upon the message it-

self, and hold as much chattering over it as * The sage Mustapha, when he wrote the above paragraph, had probably in his eye the following so many magpies over an addled egg. This anecdote—related either by Linfcum Fidelius, or Jo- done, they divide the message into small por- sephus Milerius, vulgarly called Joe Miller, faceti- of tions, and deliver them into the hands of ous memory :—The captain of a slave-vessel, on his little juntos of talkers, called committees : fivst landing on the coast of Guinea, observed, under a palm tree, a negro chief, sitting most majestically these juntos have each a world of talking on a stump, while two women, with wooden spoons, were administering his favourite pottage of boiled per port of entry. As the captain approached, in rice, which, as his Imperial Majesty was a littte order to admire this curious exhibition of royalty, greedy, would let part of it escape the place of des- the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and

tination and run down his chin : the watchful attend- saluted his visitor with the following pompons ques- ants " were particularly careful to intercept these tion :— Well, Sir! what do they say of me m scape-grace particles, and return them to their pro- England ?"— Note by W. Wizard, Esq. ; ;;

SALMAGUNDI. 43 about their respective paragraphs, and return counteracting each other, the mill is per- the results to the Grand Divan, which forth- plexed, the wheels stand still, the grist is with falls to and re-talks the matter over unground, and the miller and his family more earnestly than ever. Now after all, it starved. is an even chance that the subject of this pro- Every thing partakes of the windy nature digious arguing, quarrelling, and talking, is of the government. In case of any domestic an affair of no importance, and ends entirely grievance, or an insult from a foreign foe, the in smoke. May it not then be said, the people are all in a buzz;—town-meetings whole nation have been talking to no purpose ? are immediately held, where the quidnuncs The people, in fact, seem to be somewhat of the city repair, each like an Atlas with the conscious of this propensity to talk, by which cares of the whole nation upon his shoulders, they are characterized, and have a favourite each resolutely bent upon saving his country, proverb on the subject, viz. " all talk and no and each swelling and strutting like a turkey- cider :" this is particularly applied when cock, puffed up with words, and wind, and their Congress, or assembly of all the sage nonsense.—After bustling, and buzzing, and chatterers of the nation, have chattered bawling for some time, and after each man through a whole session, in a time of great has shown himself to be indubitably the peril and momentous event, and have done greatest personage in the meeting, they pass

nothing but exhibit the length of their tongues a string of resolutions, %. e. words which were and the emptiness of their heads. This has previously made for the purpose. These been the case more than once, my friend resolutions are whimsically denominated the and to let thee into the secret, I have been sense of the meeting, and are sent off for the told in confidence, that there have been ab- instruction of the reigning Bashaw, who re- solutely several old women smuggled into ceives them graciously, puts them into his red

Congress from different parts of the Empire, breeches pocket, forgets to read them, and so who, having once got on the breeches, as the matter ends. thou mayest well imagine, have taken the As to his Highness the present Bashaw, lead in debate, and overwhelmed the whole who is at the very top of the logocracy, never

assembly with their garrulity ! For my part, was a dignitary better qualified for his sta-

as times gO, I do not see why old women tion. He is a man of superlative ventosity, should not be as eligible to public councils and comparable to nothing but a huge bladder

as old men who possess their dispositions ; of wind. He talks of vanquishing all oppo- they certainly are eminently possessed of the sition by the force of reason and philosophy

qualifications requisite to govern in a logo- throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the cracy. earth, and defies them to meet him—on the

Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, field of argument ! —Is the national dignity this can be done in country without talking ; insulted, a case in which his highness of but they take so long to talk over a measure, Tripoli would immediately call forth his

that by the time they have determined upon forces ; —the bashaw of America—utters a

adopting it, the period has elapsed which speech. Does a foreign invader molest the

was proper for carrying it into effect. Un- commerce in the very mouth of the harbour

happy nation ! thus torn to pieces by intes- —an insult which would induce his highness

tine talks ! never, I fear, will it be restored of Tripoli to order out his fleets : —his high- to tranquillity and silence. Words are but ness of America—-utters a speech. Are the

breath ; breath is but air ; and air put into free citizens of America dragged from on

motion is nothing but wind. This vast board the vessels of their country, and forcibly Empire, therefore, may be compared to detained in the war ships of another power nothing more nor less than a mighty wind- —his highness—utters a speech. Is a peace- mill, and the orators, and the chatterers, and able citizen killed by the marauders of a fo- the slang -whangers, are the breezes that put reign power, on the very shores of his coun- speech. Does an it in motion : unluckily, however, they are try ; —his highness—utters a in a distant apt to blow different ways ; and their blasts alarming; hibiirrcction break out ! ! !—; ;

44 SALMAGUNDI. part of the empire ;—.his highness—utters a But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide speech ! —Nay, more, for here he shows his " energies ;"—he most intrepidly despatches Still in my mental eye each dame appears— Each modest beauty of departed years a courier on horseback, and orders him to ; Close by mamma I see her stately march, ride one hundred and twenty miles a-day, Or sit, in all the majesty of starch; with a most formidable army of proclama- When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand I tions, i. e. a collection of words, packed up see her doubting, hesitating, stand; Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace, in his saddle-bags. He is instructed to show And sigh for her intended in his place ! no favour nor affection ; but to charge the

Ah ! golden days ! when every gentle fair thickest ranks of the enemy, and to speechify On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care and batter by words the conspiracy and the Her Holy Bible, or her prayer-hook o'er, conspirators out of existence. Heavens, my Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore. Travell'd with him the Pilgrim's Progress through, friend, what a deal of blustering is here ! It And storm'd the famous town of Man-Soul too reminds me of a dunghill cock in a farm-yard, ; Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar,. scratching^ who, having accidentally in his And fought triumphant through the Holy War found a worm, immediately begins a most Or if, perchance, to lighter works inclin'd, vociferous cackling—calls around him his They sought with novels to relax the mind, 'Twas Grandison's politely formal page, hen-hearted companions, who run chattering Or Celia or Pamela were the rage. from all quarters to gobble up the poor little No plays were then*-—theatrics were unknown— worm that happened to turn under his eye. A learned pig—a dancing monkey shown Oh, Asem, Asem ! on what a prodigious The feats of Punch—a cunning juggler's sleight,

gteat scale is every thing in this country ! Were sure to fill each bosom with delight. Thus, then, I conclude my observations. An honest, simple, hum-drum race we were, Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glare The infidel nations have each a separate cha- ; Our manners unreserv'd, devoid of guile, racteristic trait, by which they may be distin- We knew not then the modern monster style. guished from each other : —the Spaniards, Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, for instance, may be said to sleep upon every Puffs boys to manhood, little girls to belles. affair of importance; the Italians to fiddle Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair upon every thing ; the French to dance upon Are yielded to the dancing-master's care every thing; the Germans to smoke upon And ere the head one mite of sense can gain, introdue'd 'mid folly's frippery train. every thing; the British Islanders to eat upon Are A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms, every thing ; and the windy subjects of the Our fair surrender to their very arms,

American logocracy to talk upon every thing. And in the insidious waltz (1) will swim and twine,

Ever thine, And whirl and languish tenderly divine !

MUSTAFHA. Oh ! how I hate this loving, hugging dance This imp of Germany—brought up in France. Nor can I see a niece its windings trace, FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, Esq. But all the honest blood glows in my face. " Sad, sad refinement this," I often say, How oft in musing mood my heart recalls, " 'Tis modesty indeed refined away ! From grey-beard father Time's oblivious halls, Let France its whim, its sparkling wit supply, The modes and maxims of my early day, The easy grace that captivates the eye Long in those dark recesses stow'd away ; But curse their waltz their loose lascivious arts, Drags once more to the cheerful realms of light — That smooth our manners to corrupt our hearts \" (2) Those buckram fashions long since lost in night, Where now those books from which, in days of yore, And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise Our mothers gain'd their literary store ? My grogram grandames to my raptur'd eyes

Alas ! stiff skirted Grandison gives place

Shades of my fathers ! in pasteboard skirts, your To novels of a new and rakish race ; Your broider'd waistcoats and your plaited shirts, And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore, Your formal bag-wigs—wide-extended cuffs, To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore. Your five inch chitterlings and nine inch ruffs all, the mimic stage Gods ! how ye strut, at times, in all your state, And, last of behold Amid the visions of my thoughtful Its morals lend to polish off the age, pate ; I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er, With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, The modest foot scarce rising from the floor; Garnish 'd with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald, No thundering rigadoon with boisterous prance, With puns most puny, and a plenteous store No pigcou-wing disturb your contre-danse. Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. ;; ! ;

SALMAGUNDI. 45

Or see, more fatal, graced with every art, change of hands, arms, et cetera, for half en hour or To charm and captivate the female heart, so, the lady begins to tire, and with « eyes upraised,"

The false, " the gallant, gay Lothario " smiles, (3) In most bewitching languor petitions her partner for seductive wiles little And loudly boasts his base ; a more support. This is always given without In glowing colours paints Calista's wrongs, hesitation. The lady leans gently on his shoulder And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs. their arms entwine in a thousand seducing mis- When Cooper lends his fascinating pow«rs, chievous curves—don't be alarmed, Madam—closer Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers, and closer they approach each other, and, in conclu- Pleas'd with his manly grace, his youthful fire, sion, the parties being overcome with extatic fatigue, Our fair are lured the villain to admire the lady seems almost sinking into the gentleman's While humbler virtue, like a stalking horse., arms, and then—" Well, Sir! what then?"—Lord!

Struts'clumsily and croaks in honest Blorse. Madam, how should I know !

(2) My friend Pindar, and in fact our whole junto,, Ah, hapless day ; when trials thus combin'd, has been accused of an unreasonable hostility to the In pleasing garb assail the female mind French nation ; and I am informed by a Parisian cor- When every smooth insidious snare is spread respondent, that our first number played the very To sap the morals and delude the head devil in the Court of St, Cloud. His Imperial Ma- Not Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, jesty got into a most outrageous passion, and being To prove their faith and virtue here below, withal a waspish little gentleman, had nearly kicked Could more an angel's helping hand require his bosom friend, Talleyrand, out of the cabinet, in To guide their steps uninjur'd through the fire, the paroxysms of his wrath. He insisted upon it Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied, that the nation was assailed in its most vital part—' The holy trio in the proof had died. being, like Achilles, extremely sensitive to any at- If, then, their manly vigour sought supplies tacks upon fhe heel. When my correspondent sent From the bright stranger in celestial guise/ off his dispatches, it was still in doubt what measures Alas ! can we from feebler natures claim would be adopted ; but it was strongly suspected that To brave seduction's ordeal free from blame; vehement representations would be made to our go- To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore, vernment. Willing, therefore, to save our executive Though angej missions bless the earth no more from any embarrassment on the subject, and above all, from the disagreeable alternative of sending an apology by the Hornet, we do assure Mr. Jefferson, that there is nothing farther from our thoughts than Notes, by William Wizard, Esq the subversion of the Gallic Empire, or any attack

(1) Waltz.—As many of the retired matrons of this on the interest, tranquillity, or reputation of the na- city, unskilled in " gestic lore," are doubtless igno- tion at large, which we seriously declare possesses rant of the movements and figures of this modest ex- the highest rank in our estimation. Nothing less

hibition, I will endeavour to give some account of it, than the national welfare could- have induced us to

in order that they may learn what odd capers their trouble ourselves with this explanation ; and in the daughters sometimes cut when from under their name of the junto I once more declare, that when guardian wings. On a signal being given by the we toast a Frenchman, we merely mean one of those music, the gentleman seizes the lady round her inconnus, who swarmed t& this country, from the

waist ; the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, Bourdeaux,

very politely takes the gentleman round the neck, and Marseilles ; played the game of leap-frog at all our

with one arm resting against his shoulder to prevent balls and assemblies ; set this unhappy town hopping encroachments. Away then they go, about, and mad; and passed themselves offon our tender-hearted about, and about—" About what, Sir?"—About the damsels for unfortunate noblemen— ruined in the re- room, Madam, to be sure. The whole economy of this volution! Such only can wince at the lash, and ac-

dance consists in turning round and round the room cuse us of severity ; and we should be mortified in the if well-intended cas- in a certain measured step ; and it is truly astonishing extreme they did not feel our that this continued revolution does not set all their tigation.

heads swimming 'like a top ; but I have been posi- (3) -Fair Penitent.—-The story of this play, if told

tively assured that it only occasions a gentle sensa- in its native language, would exhibit a seene of guilt

tion which is marvellously agreeable. In the course and shame which no modest ear could listen to with- of this circumnavigation, the dancers, in order to out shrinking with disgust; but, arrayed as it is in give the charm of variety, are continually changing all the splendour of harmonious, rich, and polished

their relative situations : —now the gentleman, mean- verse, it steals into the heart like some gay, luxu- ing no harm in the world, I assure you, Madam, care- rious, smooth-faced villain, and betrays it insensibly

lessly flings his arm about the lady's neck, with an to immorality and vice ; our very sympathy is en

air of celestial impudence ; and anon, the lady, mean- listed on the side of guilt ; and the piety of Altamont, ing as little harm as the gentleman, takes him round and the gentleness of Lavinia, are lost in the splen- the waist with most ingenuous modest languishment, did debaucheries of the a gallant gay Lothario," and to the great delight of numerous spectators and ama- the blustering, hollow repentance of the fair Calista, teurs, who generally form a ring, as the mob do whose sorrow reminds us of that of Pope's Heloise • about a pair of amazons pulling caps, or a couple of * I mourn the lover, not lament the fault." Nothing fighting mastiffs, After continuing this divine inter- is more easy than to banish such plays from our stage. ;

4G SALMAGUNDI.

Were our ladies, instead of crowding to see them der; the almanac-makers might then have their exhi- again and again repeated, to discourage calculated with some degree of certainty." bition by absence, the stage would soon be indeed When Langstaff invests himself with the the school of morality, and the number of " Fan- splean, and gives audience to the blue devils, Penitents ,» in all probability, diminish. from his elbow-chair, I would not advise any of his friends to come within gun-shot of his No. 8. citadel with the benevolent purpose of admi- APRIL 18, 1807- SATURDAY, nistering consolation or amusement ; for he BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. is then as crusty and crabbed as that famous coiner of false money Diogenes himself. In- * In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow, deed his is times inaccessible Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow, room at such Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, and old Pompey is the only soul that can There is no living with thee—or without thee." gain admission, or ask a question with impu-

nity the truth is, " Never, in the memory of the oldest inha- ; that on these occasions there is not straw's bitant, has there been known a more back- a difference between them, for ward spring." This is the universal remark Pompey is as glum and grim and cynical among the almanac quidnuncs and weather- as his master. Launcelot has now been above three weeks wiseacres of the day ; and I have heard it at least fifty -five times from old Mrs. Cockloft, in this desolate situation, and has therefore who, poor woman, is one of those walking had but little to do in our last number. As almanacs that foretell every snow, rain, or he could not be prevailed on to give any ac- frost, by the shooting of corns, a pain in the count of himself in our introduction, I will bones, or an " ugly stitch in the side." I take the opportunity of his confinement, while do not recollect, in the whole course of my his back is turned, to give a slight sketch of his life, to have seen the month of March indulge character—fertile in whim-whams and in such untoward capers, caprices, and co- bachelorisms, but rich in many of the ster- ling qualities of quetries as it has done this year: I might- our nature. have forgiven these vagaries, had they not Of the antiquity of the LangstafF family I completely knocked up my friend LangstafF, can say but little ; except that I have no whose feelings are ever at the mercy of a doubt it is equal to that of most families who the weathercock, whose spirits sink and rise with have privilege of making their own pedi- gree without the impertinent interposition the mercury of a barometer, and to whom an of a college of heralds. friend Launcelot is east wind is as obnoxious as a Sicilian sirocco. My not a man to blazon any thing but I have He was tempted some time since, by the fine- ; ness of the weather, to dress himself with heard him talk with great complacency of his dashing more than ordinary care, and take his morn- ancestor, Sir Rowland, who was a buck in the days of Hardiknute, and broke ing stroll ; but before he had half finished of his peregrination, he was utterly discomfited, the head of a gigantic Dane, at a game the whole court. and driven home by a tremendous squall oi quarter-staff, in presence of ofthis gallant exploit, Sir Rowland wind, hail, rain, and snow ; or, as he testily In memory of Lang- termed it, " a most villainous congregation of was permitted to take the name vapours." stofFe, and to assume, as a crest to his arms, a This was too much for the patience of a hand grasping a cudgel. It is, however, foible so ridiculously common in this coun- friend Launcelot ; he declared he would hu- with mour the weather no longer in its whim- try, for people to claim consanguinity name in whams; and, according to his immemorial all the great personages of their own faith in custom on these occasions, retreated in high Europe, that I should put but little LangstafF, did I dudgeon to his elbow-chair, to lie in of the this family boast of friend most unques- spleen, and rail at nature for being so fantas- not know him to be a man of tical. " Confound the jade," he frequently tionable veracity. that my exclaims, " what a pity nature had not been The whole world knows already or pretends to of the masculine instead of the feminine gen- friend is a bachelor ; for he is, :;

SALMAGUNDI. 47 be, exceedingly proud of his personal inde- Olympus to back him; and every body pendence, and takes care to make it known knows what important confederates they are in all companies where strangers are present. to a lover—Poor Launcelot stood no chance He is for ever vaunting the precious state of —the lady was cooped up in the poet's corner ;" " single blessedness and was, not long of every weekly paper ; and at length Pindar ago, considerably startled at a proposition of attacked her with a sonnet, that took up a one of his great favourites, Miss Sophy Spar- whole column, in which he enumerated at kle, " that old bachelors should be taxed as least a dozen cardinal virtues, together with luxuries."—Launcelot immediately hied him innumerable others of inferior consideration. home and wrote a tremendous long represen- Launcelot saw his case was deperate, and that tation in their behalf, which I am resolved to unless he sat down forth-with, be-cherubimed publish if it is ever attempted to carry the and be-angeled her to the skies, and put every measure into operation. Whether he is sin- virtue under the sun in requisition, he might cere in these professions, or whether his pre- as well go hang himself and so make an end sent situation is owing to choice or disappoint- of the business. At it, therefore, he went ment, he only can tell ; but if he ever does and was going on very swimmingly, for, in tell, I will suffer myself to be shot by the the space of a dozen lines, he had enlisted first lady's eye that can twang an arrow. In under her command at least three score and his youth he was for ever in love ; but it was ten subtantial house-keeping virtues, when, his misfortune to be continually crossed and unluckily for Launcelot' s reputation as a rivalled by his bosom friend and contempo- poet and the lady's as a saint, one of those rary beau, Pindar Cockloft, Esq.; for as confounded good thoughts struck his laughter-

Langstaff never made a confidant on these loving brain ; —it was irresistible—away he occasions, his friends never knew which way went, full sweep before the wind, cutting and his affections pointed ; and so, between them, slashing, and tickled to death with his own the lady generally slipped through their fin- fun ; the consequence was, that by the time gers. he had finished, never was poor lady so It has ever been the misfortune of Launce- most ludicrously lampooned since lampoon- lot, that he could not for the soul of him re- ing came into fashion. But this was not half; strain a good thing ; and this fatality has —so hugely was Launcelot pleased with this drawn upon him the ill-will of many whom frolic of his wits, that nothing would do but he would not have offended for the world. he must show it to the lady, who, as well With the kindest heart under heaven, and she might, was mortally offended and forbid the most benevolent disposition towards every him her presence. My friend was in despair, being around him, he has been continually but, through the interference of his generous betrayed by the mischievous vivacity of his rival, was permitted to make his apology, fancy, and the good-humoured waggery of his which, however, most unluckily happened to feelings, into satirical sallies which have been be rather worse than the original offence ; for treasured up by the invidious, and retailed though he had studied an eloquent compli- out with the bitter sneer of malevolence, in- ment, yet as ill-luck would have it, a most stead of the playful hilarity of countenance preposterous whim-wham knocked at his which originally sweetened and tempered and pericranium, and inspired him to say some disarmed them of their sting. These mis- consummate good things, which, all put to- representations have gained him many re- gether, amounted to a downright hoax, and proaches, and lost him many a friend. provoked the lady's wrath to such a degree, This unlucky characteristic played the mis- that sentence of eternal banishment was chief with him in one of his love affairs. He awarded against him. was, as I have before observed, often opposed Launcelot was inconsolable, and deter- in his gallantries by that formidable rival, mined in the true style of novel heroics to Pindar Cockloft,. Esq., and a most formidable make the tour of Europe, and endeavour to rival he was ; for he had Apollo, the Nine lose the recollection of this misfortune amongst

Muses, together with all the joint tenants of the gaieties of France, and the classic charms

V ;

43 SALMAGUNDI.

of Italy ; he accordingly took passage in a LangstafF inherited from his father a love vessel, and pursued his voyage prosperously of literature, a disposition for castle building, as far as Sandy-Hook, where he was seized a mortal enmity to noise, a sovereign antipa- with a violent fit of sea-sickness ; at which thy to cold weather and brooms, and a plen- he was so affronted that he put his portman- tiful stock of whim-whams. From the deli- teau into the first pihrt-boat, and returned to cacy of his nerves he is peculiarly sensible to town completely cured of his love and his discordant sounds ; the rattling of a wheel- rage for travelling. barrow is " horrible ;" the noise of children

I pass over the subsequent amours of my " drives him distracted ;" and he once left friend LangstafF, being but little acquainted excellent lodgings merely because the lady of with them ; for, as I have already mentioned, the house wore high-heeled shoes, in which he never was known to make a confidant of she clattered up and down stairs, till, to use any body. He always affirmed a man must his own emphatic expression, " they made be a fool to fall in love, but an idiot to boast life loathsome" to him. He suffers annual of it ; —=ever denominated it the villanous martyrdom from the razor-edged zephyrs of passion ; —lamented that it could not be cud- our " balmy spring," and solemnly declares gelled out of the human heart ; —and yet that the boasted month of May has become a could no more live without being in love perfect " vagabond." As some people have with somebody or other than he could with- a great antipathy to cats, and can tell when out whim- whams. one is locked up in a closet, so Launcelot de- My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive clares his feelings always announce to him irritability of nerve, and I am acquainted with the neighbourhood of a broom ; a household no one so susceptible of the petty " miseries implement which he abominates above all of human life ;" yet its keener evils and mis- others. Nor is there any living animal in the fortunes he bears without shrinking, and, world that he holds in more utter abhorrence however they may prey in secret on his hap- than what is usually termed a notable house- piness, he never complains. This was strik- wife ; a pestilent being, v/ho, he protests, is ingly evinced in an affair where his heart was the bane of good fellowship, and has a heavy deeply and irrevocably concerned, and in charge to answer for the many ofFences coin-, which his success was ruined, by one for mitted against the ease, comfort, and social whom he had long cherished a warm friend- enjoyments of sovereign man. He told me, ship. The circumstance cut poor LangstafF not long ago, " that he had rather see one of to the very soul ; he was not seen in company the weird sisters flourish through his keyJiole for months afterwards, and for a long time on a broom-stick, than one of the servant, he seemed to retire within himself, and battle maids enter the door with a besom." with the poignancy of his feelings ; but not a My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere murmur or a reproach was heard to fall from in his attachments, which are confined to a, his lips, though at the mention of his friend's chosen few, in whose society he loves to give name, a shade of melancholy might be ob- free scope to his whimsical imagination ; he, served stealing across his face, and his voice however, mingles freely with the world, assumed a touching tone, that seemed to say, though more as a spectator than an actor he remembered his treachery " more in sor- and without an anxiety, or hardly a care to row than in anger." This affair has given a please, is generally received with welcome and slight tinge of sadness to his disposition, listened to with complacency. When he ex- which, however, does not prevent his entering tends his hand it is in a free, open, liberal into the amusements of the world ; the only style ; and when you shake it, you feel his effect it occasions, is, that you may occasion- honest heart throb in its pulsations. Though, ally observe him, at the end of a lively con- rather fond of gay exhibitions, he does not versation, sink for a few minutes into an appear so frequently at balls and assemblies apparent forgetfulness of surrounding objects, since the introduction of the drum, trumpet, during which time he seems to be indulging and tambourine; all of which he abhors on ac-> in some melancholy retrospection. count of the rude attacks they make on hig — ;

SALMAGUNDI. 49

organs of hearing : in short, such is his anti- and had it not been for friend Evergreen, and pathy to noise, that though exceedingly pa- that thrifty sprig of knowledge, Jeremy triotic, yet, he retreats every fourth of July Cockloft the younger, I should have remained to Cockloft Hall, in order to get out of the to this day ignorant of its meaning. way of the hub- bub and confusion which Though it would seem that the people of make so considerable a part of the pleasure of all countries are equally vehement in the that splendid anniversary. pursuit of this phantom style, yet in almost I intend this article as a mere sketch of all of them there is a strange diversity in opinion Langstaff's multifarious character ; his innu- as to what constitutes its essence ; merable whim-whams will be exhibited by and every different class, like the pagan na- himself, in the course of this work, in all their tions, adore it under a different form. In England, for instance, an strange varieties ; and the machinery of his honest cit packs up mind, more intricate than in the most subtle himself, his family and his style in a buggy piece of clock-work, be fully explained. or tim whisky, and rattles away on Sunday And trust me, gentlefolk, his are the whim- with his fair partner blooming beside him, whams of a courteous gentleman full of most like an eastern bride, and two chubby chil- dren, squatting like images at excellent qualities ; honourable in his dispo- Chinese his

sition, independent in his sentiments, and of feet. A Baronet requires a chariot and pair ; unbounded good nature as may be seen —a Lord must needs have a barouche and

through all his works. four ; —but a Duke—oh ! a Duke cannot possibly lumber his style along under a coach and six, and half a score of footmen into the ON STYLE. bargain. In China a puissant mandarin loads

at least three elephants with style ; and an BY WIXLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. overgrown sheep at the Cape of Good-Hope,

Style, a manner of writing ; title pin of a dial ; the ; trails along his tail and his style on a wheel- pistil of plants. Johnson. barrow. In Egypt, or at Constantinople, Style, is style. Linkum Fidelius. style consists in the quantity of fur and fine Now I would not give a straw for either of clothes a lady can put on without danger of

the above definitions, though I think the suffocation ! here it is otherwise, and consists

latter by far the most satisfactory ; and I do in the quantity she can put off without the wish sincerely every modern numskull, who risk of freezing. A Chinese lady is thought takes hold of a subject he knows nothing prodigal of her charms if she exposes the tip about, would adopt honest Linkum's mode of her nose, or the ends of her fingers, to the of explanation. Blair's Lectures on this ardent gaze of by-standers; and I recollect

article have not thrown a whit more light on that all Canton was in a buzz in consequence

the subject of my inquiries ; —they puzzled of the great belle Miss Nangfous peeping out

me just as much as did the learned and labo- of the window with her face uncovered ! Here

rious expositions and illustrations of the the style is to show not only the face, but the

worthy professor of our college, in the middle neck, shoulders, &c. ; and a lady never pre-

of which I generally had the ill luck to fall sumes to hide them except when she is not at asleep. home, and not sufficiently undressed to see This same word style, though but a dimi- company. nutive word, assumes to itself more contra- This style has ruined the peace and har-

dictions, and significations, and eccentricities, mony of many a worthy household ; for no

than any monosyllable in the language is sooner do they set up for style, but instantly

legitimately entitled to. It is an arrant little all the honest old comfortable sans ceremonie

humourist of a word, and full of whim-whams, furniture is discarded : and you stalk, cauti- which uncomfortable occasions me to like it hugely ; but ously about, amongst the

it puzzled me most wickedly on my first re- splendour of Grecian chairs, Egyptian tables, turn from a long residence abroad, having Turkey carpets, and Etruscan vases. This crept into fashionable use during my absence vast improvement in furniture demands an E 50 SALMAGUNDI.

increase in the domestic establishment ; and overwhelm you with their friendship and

i family that once required two or three ser- loving-kindness. But having once gained the vants for convenience, now employs half a envied pre-eminence, never were beings in the dozen for style. world more changed. They assume the most

Bel]-Brazen, late favourite. of my unfortu- intolerable caprices ; at one time, address you

nate friend Dessalines, was one of these pat- with importunate sociability ; at another,

terns of style ; and whatever freak she was pass you by with silent indifference ; some-

seized with, however preposterous, was impli- times sit up in their chairs in all the majesty

citly followed by all who would be considered of dignified silence ; and at another time as admitted in the stylish arcana.—She was bounce about with all the obstreperous ill- once seized with a whim-wham that tickled bred noise of a little hoyden just broke loose the whole court. She could not lay down to from a boarding-school.

take an afternoon's loll, but she must have Another feature which distinguishes these

one servant to scratch her head, two to tickle new made fashionables, is the inveteracy with her feet, and a fourth to fan her delectable which they look down upon the honest people person while she slumbered The thing who are struggling to climb up to the same

took ;—it became the rage, and not a sable envied height. They never fail to salute

belle in all Hayti but what insisted upon them with the most sarcastic reflections : and being fanned, and scratched, and tickled in like so many worthy hodmen, clambering a the true imperial style. Sneer not at this ladder, each one looks down upon his next picture, my most excellent townsmen, for neighbour below and makes no scruple of who among you but are daily following fa- shaking the dust off his shoes into his eyes.

shions equally absurd ! Thus by dint of perseverance, merely, they Style, according to Evergreen's account, come to be considered as established denizens consists in certain fashions, or certain eccen- of the great world: as in some barbarous tricities, or certain manners of certain people, nations an oyster shell is of sterling value, in certain situations, and possessed of a certain and a copper washed counter will pass current share of fashion or importance. A red for genuine gold. cloak, for instance, on the shoulders of an old In no instance have I seen this grasping

market-woman is regarded with contempt; after style more whimsically exhibited, than

it is vulgar, it is odious : —fling, however, its in the family of my old acquaintance Timothy usurping rival, a red shawl, over the figure of Giblet. I recollected old Giblet when I was a fashionable belle, and let her flame away a boy, and he was the most surly curmudgeon

with it in Broad-way, or in a ball-room, and I ever knew. He was a perfect scare-crow to

it is immediately declared to be the style. the small-fry of the day, and inherited the

The modes of attaining this certain situa- hatred of all these unlucky little shavers ;

tion, which entitles its holder to style, are for never could we assemble about his door of little hub-bub, various and opposite : the most ostensible is an evening to play and make a spider, the attainment of wealth : the possession of but out he sallied from his nest like a which changes, at once, the pert airs of vulgar flourished his formidable horse whip, and ignorance into fashionable ease and elegant dispersed the whole crew in the twinkling of

vivacity. It is highly amusing to observe a lamp. I perfectly remember a bill he sent

the gradation of a family aspiring to style, in to my father for a pane of glass I had acci- and the devious windings they pursue in dently broken, which came well nigh getting as per- order to attain it. While beating up against me a sound flogging : and I remember, wind and tide they are the most complaisant fectly, that the next night I revenged myself Giblet was as beings in the world : they keep " booing and by breaking half a dozen. the booing," as M'Sycophant says, until you arrant a grub-worm as ever crawled ; and would suppose them incapable of standing only rules of right and wrong he cared a of multiplication upright ; they kiss their hands to every body button for, were the rules practised much more who has the least claim to style ; their fami- and addition ; which he rules of liarity is intolerable, and they absolutely successfully than he did any of the ; ;!

SALMAGUNDI. 51 religion or morality. He used to declare landscape in water colours, equal to the best they were the true golden rules ; and he took lady in the land ; and the young gentlemen special care to put Cocker's arithmetic in the were seen lounging at corners of streets, and hands of his children, before they had read driving tandem ; heard talking loud at the ten pages in the bible or the prayer book. theatre, and laughing in church, with as The practice of these favourite maxims was much ease and grace, and modesty, as if they at length crowned with the harvest of success had been gentlemen all the days of their lives. and after a life of incessant self-denial, and And the Giblets arrayed themselves in starvation, and after enduring all the pounds, scarlet, and in fine linen, and seated them- shillings and pence miseries of a miser, he selves in high places; but nobody noticed had the satisfaction of seeing himself worth a them except to honour them with a little plum, and of dying just as he had determined contempt. The Giblets made a prodigious to enjoy the remainder of his days in contem- splash in their own opinion ; but nobody plating his great wealth and accumulating extolled them except the tailors, and the mortgages. milliners, who had been employed in manu-

His children inherited his money ; but facturing their paraphernalia. The Giblets they buried the disposition, and every other thereupon being, like Caleb Quotem, deter- memorial of their father in his grave. Fired mined to have " a place at the review," fell with a noble thirst for style, they instantly to work more fiercely than ever ; —they gave emerged from the retired lane in which dinners, and they gave balls, they hired cooks, themselves and their accomplishments had they hired confectioners ; and they would hitherto been buried; and they blazed, and have kept a newspaper in pay, had they not they whizzed, and they cracked about town, been all bought up at that time for the elec- like a nest of squibs and devils in a firework. tion. They invited the dancing men, and I can liken their sudden eclat to nothing but the dancing women, and the gormandizers, that of the locust, which is hatched in the and the epicures of the city, to come and dust, where it increases and swells up to make merry at their expense ; and the dan- maturity, and after feeling for a moment the cing men, and the dancing women, and the vivifying rays of the sun, burst forth a epicures, and the gormandizers, did come mighty insect, and flutters, and rattles, and and they did make merry at their expense buzzes from every tree. The little warblers and they eat and they drank, and they ca- who have long cheered the woodlands with pered, and they danced, and they—laughed their dulcet notes, are stunned by the dis- at their entertainers. cordant racket of these upstart intruders, and Then commenced the hurry and the bustle, contemplate, in contemptuous silence, their and the mighty nothingness of fashionable tinsel and their noise. life ; —such rattling in coaches ! such flaunt-

Having once started, the Giblets were de- ing in the streets ! such slamming of box

termined that nothing should stop them in doors at the theatre ! such a tempest of bustle their career, until they had run their full and unmeaning noise wherever they appeared course and arrived at the very tiptop of style. The Giblets were seen here, there, and every

Every tailor, every shoemaker, every coach- where ; —they visited every body they knew,

maker, every milliner, every mantua-maker, and every body they did not know ; and there every paper-hanger, every piano teacher, and was no getting along for the Giblets. Their every dancing master in the city, were en- plan at length succeeded. By dint of dinners,

listed in their service ; and the willing wights of feeding and frolicking the town, the Giblet

most courteously answered their call, and fell family worked themselves into notice, and to work to build up the fame of the Giblets, enjoyed the ineffable pleasure of being for ever as they had done that of many an aspiring pestered by visitors, who cared nothing about

family before them. In a little time the them ; of being squeezed, and smothered, and young ladies could dance the waltz, thunder parboiled at nightly balls, and evening tea

Lodoiska, murder French, kill time, and parties ; they were allowed the privilege of commit violence on the face of nature in a forgetting the very few old friends they once E 2 ; :

52 SALMAGUNDI. possessed ;—they turned their noses up in the blood to enjoy a little innocent recreation, and wind at every thing that was not genteel display his horsemanship along Broadway, is and their superb manners and sublime affec- worried by all those little yelping curs that tation at length left it no longer a matter of infest our city, and who never fail to sally out doubt that the Giblets were perfectly in the and growl, and bark, and snarl, to the great

style. annoyance of the Birmingham equestrian. Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum « Being, as it were, a small contentmente in pleasaunte Fidelius, " howbeit, moreover, nevertheless, « never contenting subjecte ; a bitter all, taste of a sweete seasoned sower ; and, all in ft this thrice wicked towne is charged up to the an extraordinarie more than ordinarie rejoicing, in muzzle with all manner of ill-natures and sonrow of delyghts !"— uncharitablenesses, and is, moreover, exceed- We have been considerably edified of late inglie naughtie." This passage of the erudite by several letters of advice from a number of Linkum was applied to the city of Gotham, sage coirespondents, who really seem to know of which he was once Lord Mayor, as appears more about our work than we do ourselves. by his picture hung up in the hall of that

One warns us against saying any thing more ancient city ; —but his observation fits this

about Snivers, who is a very particular friend best of all possible cities " to a hair." It is of the writer, and who has a singular dis- a melancholy truth that this same New-York, inclination to be laughed at. This corres- though the most charming, pleasant, polished pondent in particular inveighs against person- and praise-worthy city under the sun, and in

alities, and accuses us of ill nature in bring- a word the bonne louche of the universe, is

ing forward old Fungus and Billy Dimple, most shockingly ill-natured, and sarcastic, as figures of fun to amuse the public. Ano- and wickedly given to all manner of back- near ther gentleman, who states that he is a slidings ; —for which we are very sorry in- relation of the Cocklofts, proses away most deed. In truth, for it must come out, like soporifically on the impropriety of ridiculing murder, one time or other, the inhabitants are if a respectable old family ; and declares that not only ill-natured, but manifestly unjust we make them and their whim-whams the no sooner do they get one of our random subject of any more essays, he shall be under sketches in their hands, but instantly they the necessity of applying to our theatrical apply it most unjustifiably to some " dear champions for satisfaction. A third, who by friend," and then accuse us vociferously of the crabbedness of the hand-writing, and a the personality which originated in their own

few careless inaccuracies in the spelling, ap- officious friendship ! Tnuly, it is an ill- pears to be a lady, assures us that the Miss natured town, and most earnestly do we hope

Cocklofts and Miss Diana Wearwell and Miss it may not meet with the fate of Sodom and

Dashaway, and Mrs , Will Wizard's Gomorrah of old.

quondam flame, are so much obliged to us for As, however, it may be thought incumbent our notice, that they intend in future to take no upon us to make some apology for these mis-

notice of us at all, but leave us out of all their takes of the town, and as our good-nature is

tea-parties ; for which we make them one of truly exemplary, we would certainly answer

our best bows, and say, " thank you ladies." this expectation, were it not that we have a 1 We wish to heaven these good people invincible antipathy to making apologies. We would attend to their own affairs, if they have a most profound contempt for any man have any to attend to, and let us alone. It is who cannot give three good reasons for an

one of the most provoking things in the world unreasonable thing ; and will therefore con-

that we cannot tickle the public a little, descend, as usual, to give the public three

merely for our own private amusement, but special reasons for never apologizing : —first, we must be crossed and jostled by these med- an apology implies that we are accountable dling incendiaries, and, in fact, have the whole to somebody or another for our conduct ;— town about our ears. We are much in the now, as we do not care a fiddle-stick, as au- same situation with an unluckly blade of a thors, for either public opinion or private ill- Cockney, who having mounted his bit of will, it would be implying a falsehood to —

salmagundi.

apologize : —second, an apology would indi- No. IX. that we had been doing what we ought cate SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807 not to have done. Now as we never did nor FROSI MY ELBOW-CHAIR. ever intend to do any thing wrong, it would

ridiculous to make an apology : third, be — It in some measure jumps with my humour we labour under the same incapacity in the to be " melancholy and gentleman-like " this art of apologizing that lost Langstaff his stormy night, and I see no reason why I ; never yet undertook to make mistress —we should not indulge myself for once. Away, without committing a new offence, an apology then, with joke, with fun and laughter for and making matters ten times worse than they awhile ; let my soul look back in mournful before and are, therefore, deter- were ; we retrospect, and sadden with the memory of mined to avoid such predicaments in future. my good aunt Charity—who died of a French- But though we have resolved never to apo- man ! logize, yet we have no particular objection to Stare not, O ! most dubious reader, at the

explain ; and if this is all that's wanted, we mention of a complaint so uncommon ; griev-

will go about it directly : Allons, gentlemen ! ously hath it afflicted the ancient family of Before, however, enter this serious — we upon the Cocklofts, who carry their absurd anti- affair, take this opportunity to express our we pathy to the French so far, that they will not surprise and indignation at the incredulity of suffer a clove of garlic in the house : and my some people. Have we not, over and over, good old friend Christopher was once on the assured the town that we are three of the best point of abandoning his paternal country natured fellows living ? And is it not asto- mansion of Cockloft-hall, merely because a nishing, that having already given seven con- colony of frogs had settled in a neighbouring vincing proofs of the truth of this assurance, swamp. I verily believe he would have car- they should still have any doubts on the sub- ried his whim-wham into effect, had not a ject ?—but as it is one of the impossible fortunate drought obliged the enemy to strike things to make a knave believe in honesty, their tents, and, like a troop of wandering so, perhaps, it may be another to make this Arabs, to march off towards a moister part most sarcastic, satirical, and tea-drinking city of the country. believe in the existence of good-nature. But My aunt Charity departed this life in the to our explanation. Gentle reader ! for we fifty-ninth year of her age, though she never are convinced that none but gentle or genteel grew older after twenty-five. In her teens readers can relish our excellent productions, she was, according to her own account, a cele- if thou art in expectation of being perfectly brated beauty—though I never could meet satisfied with what we are about to say, thou with any body that remembered when she was mayest as well " whistle lillebullero," and handsome "; on the contrary, Evergreen's fa- skip quite over what follows ; for never wight ther, who used to gallant her in his youth, was more disappointed than thou wilt be most says she was as knotty a little piece of huma- assuredly But to the explanation — : We care nity as he ever saw ; and that, if she had just as much about the public and its wise been possessed of the least sensibility, she conjectures, as we do about the man in the would, like poor old Acco, have most cer- moon and his whim-whams ; or the criticisms tainly run mad at her own figure and face the of the lady who sits majestically in her elbow- first time she contemplated herself in a look- chair in the lobster; and who, belying her ing-glass. In the good old times that saw sex, as we are credibly informed, never says my aunt in the hey-day of youth, a fine lady any thing worth listening to. We have was a most formidable animal, and required launched our bark, and we will steer to our to be approached with the same awe and de- destined port with undeviating perseverance, votion that a Tartar feels in the presence ox fearless of being shipwrecked by the way. his Grand Lama. If a gentleman offered to Good-nature is our steersman, reason our take her hand, except to help her into a car- ballast, whim the breeze that waftfl us along, riage, or lead her into a drawing-room, such and morality our leading star. frowns ! such a rustling of brocade and taf- E 3 ! ;

54 SALMAGUNDI. feta ! Her very paste shoe-buckles sparkled of whom she almost killed with good-nature. with indignation, and for a moment assumed Was any cquaintance sick ?—in vain did the brilliancy of diamonds ! In those days the wind whistle and the storm beat—my the person of a belle was sacred—it was un- aunt would waddle through mud and mire, profaned by the sacrilegious grasp of a stran- over the whole town, but what she would ger : —simple souls ! —they had not the waltz visit them. She would sit by them for hours among them yet together with the most persevering patience ; My good aunt prided herself on keeping up and tell a thousand melancholy stories of hu- this buckram delicacy ; and if she happened man misery to keep up their spirits. The to be playing at the old-fashioned game of whole catalogue of yerb teas was at her fin- forfeits, and was fined a kiss, it was always gers' ends, from formidable worm-wood down more trouble to get it than it was worth ; for to gentle balm ; and she would descant by she made a most gallant defence, and never the hour on the healing qualities of hoar- surrendered until she saw her adversary in- hound, catnip, and penny-royal. Woe be to clined to give over his attack. Evergreen's the patient that came under the benevolent father says he remembers once to have been hand of my aunt Charity ; he was sure, willy on a sleighing party with her, and when they nilly, to be drenched with a deluge of decoc- came to Kissing-bridge, it fell to his lot to tions ; and full many a time has my cousin levy contributions on Miss Charity Cockloft, Christopher borne a twinge of pain in silence, who, after squalling at a hideous rate, at through fear of being condemned to suffer length jumped out of the sleigh plump into the martyrdom of her materia-medica. My a snow bank, where she stuck fast like an good aunt had, moreover, considerable skill icicle, until he came to her rescue. This in astronomy ; for she could tell when the

Latonian feat cost her a rheumatism, which sun rose and set every day in the year ; and she never thoroughly recovered. no woman in the whole world was able to It is rather singular that my aunt, though pronounce, with more certainty, at what pre- a great beauty, and an heiress withal, never cise minute the moon changed. She held the got married. The reason she alleged was, story of the moon's being made of green that she never met with a lover who resem- cheese as an abominable slander on her fa- bled Sir Charles Grandison, the hero of her vourite planet; and she had made several

nightly dreams and waking fancy ; but I am valuable discoveries in solar eclipses, by

privately of opinion that it was owing to her means of a bit of burnt glass, which entitled

never having had an offer. This much is her at least to an honorary admission in the certain, that for many years previous to her American Philosophical Society. " Hut-

decease, she declined all attentions from the ching^ Improved " was her favourite book

gentlemen, and contented herself with watch- and I shrewdly suspect that it was from this ing over the welfare of her fellow-creatures. valuable work she drew most of her sovereign She was, indeed, observed to take a consider- remedies for colds, coughs, corns, and con- able lean towards methodism, was frequent in sumptions.

her attendance at love feasts, read Whitfield But the truth must be told ; with all her and Wesley, and even went so far as once to good qualities my aunt Charity was afflicted travel the distance of five-and-twenty miles to with one fault, extremely rare among her be present at a camp meeting. This gave great gentle sex—it was curiosity. How she came offence to my cousin Christopher, and his good by it I am at a loss to imagine, but it played lady, who, as I have already mentioned, are the very vengeance with her, and destroyed invincible rigidly orthodox ; and had not my aunt Cha- the comfort of her life. Having an rity been of a most pacific disposition, her desire to know every body's character, busi- religious whim-wham would have occasioned ness, and mode of living, she was for ever

many a family altercation. She was, indeed, as prying into the affairs of her neighbours ; and good a soul as the Cockloft family ever boasted got a great deal of ill will from people towards kindest disposition pos- .—a lady of unbounded loving kindness, which whom she had the the opposite side of the extended to man, woman, and child ; many sible If any family on ;

SALMAGUNDI. 53

street gave a dinner, my aunt would mount Pension Francaise, as it was called, should her spectacles, and sit at the window until be established directly opposite my aunt's that she the company were all housed, merely residence. Cruel event ! unhappy aunt Cha-

might know who they were. If she heard a rity ! —it threw her into that alarming dis-

story about any of her acquaintance, she order denominated the fidgets ; she did nothing would, forthwith, set off full sail, and never but watch at the window day after day, but rest until, to use her usual expression, she without becoming one whit the wiser at the had got " to the bottom of it ;" which meant end of a fortnight than she was at the begin-

nothing more than telling it to every body ning ; she thought that neighbour Pension she knew. had a monstrous large family, and some how

I remember one night my aunt Charity or other they were all men ! She could no* happened to hear a most precious story about imagine what business neighbour Pension

one of her good friends, but unfortunately too followed to support so numerous a household ;

late to give it immediate circulation. It and wondered why there was always such a

made her absolutely miserable ; and she scraping of fiddles in the parlour, and such a hardly slept a wink all night, for fear her smell of onions from neighbour Pension's

bosom-friend, Mrs. Sipkins, should get the kitchen : in short, neighbour Pension was

start of her in the morning and blow the continually uppermost in her thoughts, and

whole affair. You must know there was al- incessantly on the outer edge of her tongue.

ways a contest between these two ladies, who This was, I believe, the very first time she

should first give currency to the good-na- had ever failed " to get at the bottom of a ;" tured things said about every body ; and this thing and the disappointment cost her unfortunate rivalship at length proved fatal many a sleepless night 1 warrant ycu. I to their long and ardent friendship. My aunt have little doubt, however, that my aunt got up full two hours that morning before her would have ferretted neighbour Pension out, taffeta could she usual time ; put on her pompadour have spoken or understood French gown, and sallied forth to lament the misfor- but in those times people in general could tune of her dear friend. Would you believe make themselves understood in plain Eng-

it ! —wherever she went, Mrs. Sipkins had lish ; and it was always a standing rule in

anticipated her ; and, instead of being listened the Cockloft family, which exists to this day, to with uplifted hands and open-mouthed that not one of the females should learn wonder, my unhappy aunt was obliged to sit French. down quietly and listen to the whole affair, My aunt Charity had lived, at her window,

with numerous additions, alterations, and for some time in vain ; when one day as she

amendments ! Now this was too bad ; it was keeping her usual look-out, and suffering would almost have provoked Patient Grizzle all the pangs of unsatisfied curiosity, she be- or a saint ; —it was too much for my aunt, held a little meagre, weazel-faced Frenchman, who kept her bed three days afterwards, with of the most forlorn, diminutive, and pitiful

a cold, as she pretended ; but I have no proportions, arrive at neighbour Pension's

doubt it was owing to this affair of Mrs. Sip- door. He was dressed in white, with a little kins, to whom she never would be reconciled. pinched-up cocked hat ; he seemed to shake But I pass over the rest of my aunt Cha- in the wind, and every blast that went over rity's life, checkered with the various calami- him whistled through his bones and threat- ties and misfortunes and mortifications inci- ened instant annihilation. This embodied dent to those worthy old gentlewomen who spirit of famine was followed by three carts, have the domestic cares of the whole commu- lumbered with crazy trunks, chests, band- nity upon their minds ; and I hasten to relate boxes, bidets, medicine-chests, parrots, and the melancholy incident that hurried her out monkeys ; and at his heels ran a yelping pack of existence in the full bloom of antiquated of little black-nosed pug-dogs. This wa3 virginity. the one thing wanting to fill up the measure In their frolitksome malice the Fates had of my aunt Charity's afflictions ; she could ordered that a French boarding-house, or not conceive, for the soul of her, who this !!

SALMAGUNDI, mysterious little apparition could be that the work myself. I am sorry for Will, who made so great a display ; what he could pos- is already sufficiently mortified in not daring sibly do with so much baggage, and parti- to come to the old house and tell his long cularly with his parrots and monkeys ; or stories and smoke his cigar ; but Evergreen, how so small a carcass could have occasion being an old beau, may solace himself in his for so many trunks of clothes. Honest soul disgrace by trimming up all his old finery, she had never had a peep into a Frenchman's and making love to the little girls. wardrobe—that depot of old coats, hats, and At present my right-hand man is cbusm breeches, of the growth of every fashion he Pindar, whom I have taken into high favour. has followed in his life. He came home the other night all in a blaze

From the time of this fatal arrival my like a sky-rocket ; whisked up to his room poor aunt was in a quandary ; all her inqui- in a paroxysm of poetic inspiration ; nor did ries were fruitless ; no one could expound the we see any thing of him until late the next history of this mysterious stranger ; she never morning, when he bounced upon us at break- held up her head afterwards—drooped daily, fast, u took to her bed in a fortnight, and in " one Fire in each eye, and paper in each hand." little month" I saw her quietly deposited in This is just the way with Pindar—he is

the family vault—being the seventh Cockloft like a volcano ; will remain for a long time

that has died of a whim-wham ! silent without emitting a single spark, and Take warning, my fair countrywomen then, all at once, burst out in a tremendous

and you, O ! ye excellent ladies, whether explosion of rhyme and rhapsody. married or single, who pry into other people's As the letters of my friend Mustapha seem affairs and neglect those of your own house- to excite considerable curiosity, I have sub-

hold ; who are so busily employed in observ- joined another. I do not vouch for the jus- ing the faults of others that you have no time tice of his remarks, or the correctness of his

to correct your own ; remember the fate of conclusions ; they are full of the blunders my dear aunt Charity, and eschew the evil and errors into which strangers continually spirit of curiosity. indulge, who pretend to give an account of this country before they well know the geo-

graphy of the street in which they live. The FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. copies of my friend's papers being confused

I find, by perusal of our last number, that and without date, I cannot pretend to give Will Wizard and Evergreen, taking advan- them in systematic order ; in fact, they seem tage of my confinement, have been playing now and then to treat of matters which have some of their gambols. I suspected these occurred since his departure : whether these rogues of some mal-practices, in consequence are sly interpolations of that meddlesome of their queer looks and knowing winks when- wight Will Wizard, or whether honest Mus- tapha was gifted with the spirit of prophecy ever I came down to dinner ; and of their not or sight, showing their faces at old Cockloft's for seve- second I neither know—nor in fact do I care. The following seems to have been ral days after the appearance of their precious written when the Tripolitan prisoners were so effusions. Whenever these two waggish fel- much annoyed by the ragged state of their ward- lows lay their heads together, there is always feelingly depicts the embar- sure to be hatched some notable piece of mis- robe. Mustapha rassments of his situation traveller-like; makes chief, which, if it tickles nobody else, is sure an easy transition from his breeches to the to make its authors merry. The public will incontinently abuses take notice that, for the purpose of teaching seat of government, and

; like a sapient tra- these my associates better manners, and the whole administration the French punishing them for their high misdemeanours, veller I once knew, who damned eat sugar with I have, by virtue of my authority, suspended nation in Mo—because they them from all interference in Salmagundi, green peas. until they show a proper degree of repentance, or I get tired of supporting the burthen >of ! ;!

SALMAGUNDI. m

LETTER to decline the host cf invitations that daily overwhelm FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN me, merely for want of a pair of breeches ! Oh, Allah ! Allah ! that thy dis- To Asem Hicckem, principal Slave-driver ciples could come into the world all be- to his Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli. feathered like a bantam, or with a pair of

Sweet, O, Asem ! is the memory of distant leather breeches like the wild deer of the friends ! Like the mellow ray of a departing forest ! Surely, my friend, it is the destiny sun, it falls tenderly yet sadly on the heart. of man to be for ever subjected to petty evils, Every hour of absence from my native land which, however trifling in appearance, prey rolls heavily by, like the sandy wave of the in silence on his little pittance of enjoyment, desert ; and the fair shores of my country rise and poison those moments of sunshine, which blooming to my imagination, clothed in the might otherwise be consecrated to happiness. soft illusive charms of distance. I sigh, yet The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is no one listens to the sigh of the captive : I easily supplied; and thou mayest suppose ghed the bitter tear of recollection, but no one need only be mentioned, to be remedied at sympathizes in the tear of the turbaned stran- once by any tailor of the land. Little canst ger ! Think not, however, thou brother of thou conceive the impediments which stand my soul, that I complain of the horrors of my in the way of my comfort, and still less art situation ; think not that my captivity is at- thou acquainted with the prodigious great tended with the labours, the chains, the scale on which every thing is transacted in scourges, the insults, that render slavery, this country. The nation moves most majes- with us, more dreadful than the pangs of hesi- tically slow and clumsy in the most trivial tating, lingering death. Light, indeed, are affairs, like the unwieldy elephant which the restraints on the personal freedom of thy makes a formidable difficulty of picking up a kinsman ; but who can enter into the afflic- straw ! When I hinted my necessities to the tions of the mind ? who can describe the ago- officer who has charge of myself and my com- nies of the heart ? They are mutable as the panions, I expected to have them forthwith clouds of the air ; they are countless as the relieved; but he made an amazingly long waves that divide me from my native country. face ; told me that we were prisoners of state I have, of late, my dear Asem, laboured that we must therefore be clothed at the ex- under an inconvenience singularly unfortu- pense of the government ; that as no provi- nate, and am reduced to a dilemma most ridi- sion had been made by Congress for an emer- culously embarrassing. Why should I hide gency of the kind, it was impossible to fur- it from the companion of my thoughts, the nish me with a pair of breeches, until all the partner of my sorrows and my joys ? Alas sages of the nation had been convened to talk Asem, thy friend Mustapha, the invincible over the matter, and debate upon the expe- captain of a ketch, is sadly in want of a pair diency of granting my request. Sword of the immortal Khalid, of breeches ! Thou wilt doubtless smile, O, thought I, but this is great most grave Mussulman, to hear me indulge this is truly sublime ! All the sages of an in such ardent lamentations about a circum- immense logocracy assembled together to talk stance so trivial, and a want apparently so about my breeches ! Vain mortal that I am ! easy to be satisfied: but little canst thou I cannot but own I was somewhat reconciled know of the mortifications attending my ne- to the delay which must necessarily attend cessities, and the astonishing difficulty of this method of clothing me, by the considera- supplying them. Honoured by the smiles tion that if they made the affair a national and attentions of the beautiful ladies of this act, my " name must of course be embodied city, who have fallen in love with my whis- in history," and myself and my breeches kers and my turban ; courted by the bashaws flourish to immortality in the annals of this and the great men, who delight to have me mighty empire 1 at their feasts ; the honour of my company "But pray, Sir," said I, "how does it eagerly solicited by every fiddler who gives a happen that a matter so insignificant should concert ; think of my chagrin at being obliged be erected into an object of such importance — ;

58 SALMAGUNDI.

as to employ the representative wisdom of the acquire, sufficient of the philosophic policy nation ? and what is the cause of their talking of this government, to draw a proper distinc- ?" so much about a trifle —Oh," replied the tion between an individual and a nation. If officer, who acts as our slave-driver, " it all a man was to throw away a pound in order to proceeds from economy. If the government save a beggarly penny, and boast at the same did not spend ten times as much money in time of his economy, I should think him on debating whether it was proper to supply you a par with the fool in the fable of Alfanji with breeches, as the breeches themselves who, in skinning a flint worth a farthing, would cost, the people, who govern the ba- spoiled a knife worth fifty times the sum, shaw and his divan, would straightway begin and thought he had acted wisely. The to complain of their liberties being infringed shrewd fellow would doubtless have valued —the national finances squandered—not a himself much more highly on his economy, hostile slang-whanger throughout the logo- could he have known that his example would cracy but would burst forth like a barrel of one day be followed by the bashaw of Ame- combustion—and ten chances to one but the rica, and the sages of his divan. bashaw and the sages of his divan would all This economic disposition, my friend, occa- be turned out of office together. My good sions much fighting of the spirit, and innu- Mussulman," continued he, " the adminis- merable contests of the tongue in this talking

tration have the good of the people too much assembly. Wouldst thou believe it ? they

at heart to trifle with their pockets ; and they were actually employed for a whole week in would sooner assemble and talk away ten a most strenuous and eloquent debate about thousand dollars than expend fifty silently patching up a hole in the wall of the room

out of the treasury—such is the wonderful appropriated to their meetings ! A vast pro- spirit of economy that pervades every branch fusion of nervous argument and pompous de- of this government."—" But," said I, " how clamation was expended on the occasion.

is it possible they can spend money in talk- Some of the orators, I am told, being rather

ing ; surely words cannot be the current coin waggishly inclined, were most stupidly jocu-

of this country?" — "Truly," cried he, lar on the occasion ; but their waggery gave

smiling, " your question is pertinent enough, great offence, and was highly reprobated by for words indeed often supply the place of the more weighty part of the assembly, who

cash among us, and many an honest debt is hold all wit and humour in abomination, and

paid in promises ; but the fact is, the grand thought the business in hand much too solemn

bashaw and the members of Congress, or and serious to be treated lightly. It is sup- grand talkers of the nation, either receive a posed by some that this affair would have yearly salary, or are paid by the day." occupied a whole winter, as it was a subject u By the nine hundred tongues of the great upon which several gentlemen spoke who had

beast in Mahomet's vision, but the murder is never been known to open their lips in that place except to say yes and no. out ! it is no wonder these honest men talk so These silent much about nothing, when they are paid for members are by way of distinction denomi- talking like day-labourers."—" Your are mis- nated orator mums, and are highly valued in this country on account of their great taken," said my driver ; " it is nothing but talents economy."* for silence—a qualification extremely rare in

I remained silent for some minutes, for this a logocracy. inexplicable word economy always discomfits Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the hottest part of the me ; and when I flatter myself I have grasped debate, when two ram- it, it slips through my fingers like a jack- pant Virginians, brim-full of logic and philo- o'lantcrn. I have not, nor perhaps ever shall sophy, were measuring tongues, and syllogis- tically cudgelling each other out of their * Some of our readers may not be aware, that the unreasonable notions, the president of the Members of the American Legislature are paid six divan, a knowing old gentleman, one night dollars per diem for their attendance during their slyly sittings, besides an allowance for travelling expenses. sent a mason with a hod of mortar, who '-Edit. in the course of a few minutes closed up the —

SALMAGUNDI. 59 hole, and put a final end to the argument. ful little vessels, partaking vastly of the cha- Thus did this wise old gentleman, by hitting racter of the grand bashaw, who has the all probability, credit of begetting flat, shallow on a most simple expedient, in them ; being save his country as much money as would vessels that can only sail before the wind build a gun-boat, or pay a hireling slang- must always keep in with the land—are con- whanger for a whole volume of words. As tinually foundering or running ashore—and,

short, fit it happened, only a few thousand dollars were in are only for smooth water. expended in paying these men, who are deno- Though intended for the defence of the ma- minated, I suppose in derision, legislators. ritime cities, yet the cities are obliged to de-

Another instance of their economy I relate fend them ; and they require as much nursing with pleasure, for I really begin to feel a re- as so many ricketty little bantlings. They gard for these poor barbarians. They talked are, however, the darling pets of the grand away the best part of a whole winter before bashaw, being the children of his dotage, and, they could determine not to expend a few perhaps, from their diminutive size and palp- dollars in purchasing a sword to bestow on able weakness, are called the " infant navy of an illustrious warrior; yes, Asem, on that America*" The act that brought them into very hero who frightened all our poor old existence was almost deified by the majority women and young children at Derne, and of the people as a grand stroke of economy. fully proved himself a greater man than the By the beard of Mahomet, but this word is friend, mother that bore him.* Thus, my truly inexplicable ! is the whole collective wisdom of this mighty To this economic body, therefore, was I logocracy employed in somniferous debates advised to address my petition, and humbly

about the most trivial affairs ; as I have some- to pray that the august assembly of sages times seen a Herculean mountebank exerting would, in the plenitude of their wisdom and

all his energies in balancing a straw upon the magnitude of their powers, munificently hi3 nose. Their sages behold the minutest bestow on an unfortunate captive, a pair of

object with the microscopic eyes of a pismire; cotton breeches ! " Head of the immortal mole-hills swell into mountains, and a grain Amrou," cried I, " but this would be pre-

of mustard-seed will set the whole ant-hill in sumptuous to a degree. What ! after these a hub-bub. Whether this indicates a capa- worthies have thought proper to leave their cious vision, or a diminutive mind, I leave country naked and defenceless, and exposed

thee to decide ; for my part I consider it as to all the political storms that rattle without, another proof of the great scale on which can I expect that they will lend a helping

every thing is transacted in this country. hand to comfort the extremities of a solitary I have before told thee that nothing can be capti My exclamation was only an- done without consulting the sages of the na- swered by a smile, and I was consoled by the tion, who compose the assembly called the assurance that, so far from being neglected,

Congress. This prolific body may not im- it was every way probable my breeches might properly be called the " mother of inven- occupy a whole session of the divan, and set

tions ;" and a most fruitful mother it is, let several of the longest heads together by the

me tell thee, though its children are generally ears. Flattering as was the idea of a whole abortions. It has lately laboured with what nation being agitated about my breeches, yet was deemed the conception of a mighty navy. I own I was somewhat dismayed at the idea

All the old women and the good wives that of remaining in querpo, until all the national assist the bashaw in his emergencies hurried grey-beards should have made a speech on to head-quarters to be busy, like midwives, the occasion, and given their consent to the at the delivery. All was anxiety, fidgetting, measure. The embarrassment and distress

and consultation ; when after a deal of groan- of mind which I experienced was visible in

ing and struggling, instead of formidable first my countenance, and my guard, who is a

rates and gallant frigates, out crept a litter of man of infinite good nature, immediately

ndrry little gun-boats ! These are most piti- suggested, as a more expeditious plan of sup-

* General Eaton. plying my wants, a benefit at the theatre. ; ; ;— ; — ! —; !! ;; ; ; !

60 SALMAGUNDI.

Though profoundly ignorant of his meaning, Style cursed us not—that modern flash, That love of racket and of trash I agreed to his proposition, the result of which ; Which scares at once all feeling joys, I shall disclose to thee in another letter. And drowns delight in empty noise ; Fare thee well, dear Asem ; in thy pious Which barters friendship, mirth, and truth, prayers to our great prophet, never forget The artless air, the bloom of youth, And all those gentle sweets that swarm to solicit thy friend's return; and when Round nature in their simplest form, thou numberest up the many blessings be- For cold display, for hollow state, stowed on thee by all-bountiful Allah, pour The trappings of the would-be great. forth thy gratitude that he has cast thy nati- Oh ! once again those days recall, vity in a land where there is no assembly of When heart met heart in fashion's hall; When every honest guest would legislative chatterers—no great bashaw, who flock To add his pleasure to the stock, bestrides a gun-boat for a hobby-horse More fond his transports to express, where the word economy is unknown—and Than the show tinsel of his dress !

where an unfortunate captive is not obliged These were the times that clasp 'd the soul In gentle friendship's to call upon the whole nation, to cut him out soft control Our fair ones, unprofan'd by art, a pair of breeches. Content to gain one honest heart, Ever thine, No train of sighing swains desired, MuSTAPHA. Sought to be loved and not admired. But now 'tis form, not love, unites 'Tis show, not pleasure, that invites. Each seeks the ball play I ROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, Esg. to the queen, To flirt, to conquer, to be seen Though enter'd on that sober age, Each grasps at universal sway, When men withdraw from fashion's stage. And reigns the idol of the day ,- And leave the follies of the day, Exults amid a thousand sighs, To shape their course a graver way And triumphs when a lover dies. Still those gay scenes I loiter round, Each belle a rival belle surveys, In which my youth sweet transport found Like deadly foe, with hostile gaze; And though I feel their joys decay, Nor can her " dearest friend » caress, And languish every hour away,— Till she has slyly scann'd her dress Yet like an exile part, doom'd to Ten conquests in one year will make, From the dear country of his heart, And six eternal friendships break From the fair spot in which he sprung, How oft I breathe the inward sigh, Where his first notes of love were sung, And feel the dew-drop in my eye, Will often turn to wave the hand, When I behold some beauteous frame, And sigh his blessings on the land Divine in every thing but name, Just so my lingering watch I keep, Just venturing, in the tender age, Thus oft I take my farewell peep. On fashion's late new-fangled stage And, like that pilgrim, who retreats Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease Thus lagging from his parent seats, To beat in artlessness and peace When the sad thought pervades his mind, Where all the flowers of gay delight That the fair land he leaves behind With which youth decks its prospects bright, Is ravaged by a foreign foe, Shall wither 'mid the cares, the strife, Its cities waste, its temples low, The cold realities of life And ruined all those haunts of joy Thus lately, in my careless mood, That gave him rapture when a boy As I the world of fashion view'd Turns from it with averted eye, While celebrating great and small, And while he heaves the anguish'd sigh, That grand solemnity, a ball, Scarce feels regret that the lov'd shore My roving vision chanced to light Shall beam upon his sight no more ; On two sweet forms, divinely bright, Just so it grieves my soul to view, Two sister nymphs, alike in face, While breathing forth a fond adieu, In mien, in loveliness, and grace; The innovations pride has made, Twin rose buds, bursting into bloom, The fustian, frippery, and parade, In all their brilliance and perfume That now usurp with mawkish grace Like those fair forms that often beam Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place ! Upon the Eastern poet's dream 'Twas joy we look'd for in my prime, For Eden had each lovely maid That idol of the olden time In native innocence arrayed, When all our pastimes had the art And heaven itself had almost shed To please, and not mislead, (he heart. Its sacred halo round each head ; ; : —!; : : ;

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The tender beauties soon decay, They seem'd, just entering hand in hand, And their sweet fragrance dies away. To cautious tread this fairy land;

Blest spirits ! who, enthroned in air, To take a timid hasty view, Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, Enchanted with a scene so new. And with angelic ken survey, The modest hlush, untaught by art, Their windings through life's chequer'd way Bespoke their purity of heart Who hover round them as they glide And every timorous act unfurl 'd Down fashion's smooth deceitful Two souls unspotted by the world. tide, And guard them o'er that stormy deep Oh, how these strangers joyed my sight, Where dissipation's tempest sweep delight And thrill'd my bosom with Oh ! make this inexperienced pair They brought the visions of my youth The objects of your tenderest care.

Back to my soul in all their truth ; Preserve them from the languid eye,

Recall'd fair spirits into day, The faded cheek, the long drawn sigh ; That Time's rough hand had swept away. And let it be your constant aim

Thus the bright natives from above, To keep the fair ones still the same : Who come on messages of love, Two sister hearts, unsullied, bright whiles Will bless, at rare and distant ,, As the first beams of lucid light, Our sinful dwelling by their smiles. That sparkled from the useful sun, When first his jocund race begun. is past- Oh ! my romance of youth So when these hearts shall burst their shrine, too bright to last. Dear airy dreams, To wing their flight to realms divine, these appear, Yet when such forms as They may to radiant mansions rise soft here I feel your remembrance Pure as when first they left the skies.

For, ah ! the simple poet's heart, On which fond love once play'd its part, Still feels the soft pulsations heat, As loth to quit their former seat No. 10. Just like the harp's melodious wire, SATURDAY, MAY 1C, 180*/. Swept by a bard with heavenly fire Though ceased the loudly swelling strain FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. Yet sweet vibrations long remain. The long interval which has elapsed since Full soon I found the lovely pair the publication of our last number, like many Had sprung beneath a mother's care, other remarkable events, has given rise to Hard by a neighb'ring streamlet's side, At once its ornament and pride. much conjecture and excited considerable The beauteous parent's tender heart solicitude. It is but a day or two since I Had well fulfill'd its pious part heard a knowing young gentleman observe, And, like the holy man of old, that he suspected Salmagundi would be a As we're by sacred writings told,

Who, when he from his pu; il sped, a nine days' wonder, and had even prophe- Pour'd two-fold blessings on his head sied that the ninth would be our last effort. So this fond mother had imprest But the age of prophecy, as well as that of Her early virtues in each breast, chivalry, is past ; and no reasonable man And as she found her stock enlarge, Had stampt new graces on her charge. should now venture to foretell aught but

what he is determined to bring about himself; The fair resign'd the calm retreat, —he may then, if he please, monopolize pre- When first their souls in concert beat, And flew on expectations wing, diction, and be honoured as a prophet even To sip the joys of life's gay spring in his own country. To sport in fashion's splendid maze, Though I hold whether we write, or not Where friendship fades, and love decays. write, to be none of the public's business, So two sweet wild flowers, near the side Of some fair river's silver tide, yet as I have just heard of the loss of three Pure as the gentle stream that laves thousand votes at least to the Clintonians, I The green banks with its lucid waves, feel in a remarkably dulcet humour there- Bloom beauteous in their native ground, give some account of the Diffusing upon, and will heavenly fragrance round ; But should a venturous hand transfer reasons which induced us to resume our useful These blossoms to the gay if parterre, labours—or rather our amusements : for, Where, spite of artificial aid, writing cost either of us a moment's labour, The fairest plants of nature fade, there is not a man but what would hang up Though they may shine supreme awhile •Mid pale ones of the stranger soil, his pen, to the great detriment of the world ! ;

02 SALMAGUNDI.

at large, and of our publisher in particular to have a wonderful effect upon the town. I who has actually bought himself a pair of am told the ladies are all employed in reading trunk breeches, with the profits of our writ- Bunyan and Pamela, and the waltz has been

ings ! entirely forsaken ever since the winter balls He informs me that several persons having have closed.—Under these apprehensions I called last Saturday for No. 10, took the should have addressed you before, had I not disappointment so much to heart that he been seduously employed, while the theatre really apprehended some terrible catastrophe continued open, in supporting the astonishing and one good-looking man, in particular, de- variety of the orchestra, and in composing a clared his intention of quitting the country if new chime or Bob-Major for Trinity-church, the work was not continued. Add to this, to be rung during the summer, beginning the town has grown quite melancholy in the with ding-dong di-do, instead of di-do ding-

last fortnight ; and several young ladies have dong. The citizens, especially those who declared in my hearing, that if another num- live in the neighbourhood of that harmonious

ber did not make its appearance soon, they quarter, will no doubt be infinitely delighted would be obliged to amuse themselves with with this novelty. teazing their beaux and making them miser- But to the object of this communication. able. Now, I assure my readers, there was So far, Sir, from agreeing with Mr. Ever- no flattery in this, for they no more suspected green in thinking that all modern music h me of being Launcelot Langstaff, than they but the mere dregs and drainings of the an-

suspect me of being the Emperor of China, or cient, I trust, before this letter is concluded, the man in the moon. I shall convince you and him that some of

I have also received several letters com- the late professors of this enchanting art have completely plaining of our indolent procrastination ; and distanced the paltry efforts of the one of my correspondents assures me, that a ancients ; and that I, in particular, have at number of young gentlemen, who had not length brought it almost to absolute per- read a book through since they had left, fection. school, but who have taken a wonderful liking The Greeks, simple souls ! were astonished to our paper, will certainly relapse into their at the powers of Orpheus, who made the old habits unless we go on. woods and rocks dance to his lyre—of Am-

For the sake, therefore, of all these good phion, who converted crotchets into bricks, people ; and most especially for the satisfac- and quavers into mortar—and of Arion, who tion of the ladies, every one of whom we won upon the compassion of the fishes. In would love, if we possibly could, I have the fervency of admiration, their poets fabled again wielded my pen with a most hearty that Apollo had lent them his lyre, and in- determination to set the whole world to spired them with his own spirit of harmony. rights ; to make cherubim and seraphim of What then would they have said had they all the fair ones of this enchanting town, and witnessed the wonderful effects of my skill ? raise the spirits of the poor federalists, who, Had they heard me in the compass of a single in truth, seem to be in a sad taking, ever piece, describe in glowing notes one of thj since the American-Ticket met with the most sublime operations of nature, and not accident of being so unhappily thrown out. only make inanimate objects dance, but even speak; and not only speak, but speak in

strains of exquisite harmony ? TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, Esq. Let me not, however, be understood to say Sir,—I felt myself hurt and offended by that I am the sole author of this extraordi- Mr. Evergreen's terrible philippic against nary improvement in the art, for I confess I modern music, in No. 2, of your work, and took the hint of many of my discoveries from was under serious apprehension that his stric- some of those meritorious productions that tures might bring the art, which I have the have lately come abroad, and made so much honour to profess, into contempt. The opi- noise under the title of overtures.—From some nions of yourself and fraternity appear indeed of these, as for instance, Lodoiska, and the — — —

SALMAGUNDI. 63

" battle of Marengo, a gentleman, or a captain Billy boy andante ; —frost fish froze up in in the city militia, or an amazonian young the ice—air, " Ho, why dost thou shiver and lady, may indeed acquire a tolerable idea of shake, Gaffer Gray, and why does thy nose military tactics, and become very well expe- look so blue ?"—Flourish of two-penny trum- rienced in the firing of musketry, the roaring pets and rattles—consultation of the North- of cannon, the rattling of drums, the whist- river society—determine to set the North-river ling of fifes, braying of trumpets, groans of on fire, as soon as it will burn—air, " O, the dying, and trampling of cavalry, without what a fine kettle of fish." ever going to the wars ; but it is more espe- Part II—Great Thaw—This consists of cially in the art of imitating inimitable things, the most melting strains, flowing so smoothly and giving the language of every passion and as to occasion a great overflowing of scientific sentiment of the human mind, so as entirely rapture—air, " One misty moisty morning." to do away the necessity of speech, that I —The house of assembly breaks up—air, particularly excel the most celebrated musi- " The owls came out and flew about."—As- cians of ancient and modern times. sembly-men embark on their way to New- I think, Sir, I may venture to say there is York—air, " The ducks and the geese they not a sound in the whole compass of nature all swim over, fal de ral," &c.—Vessel sets which I cannot imitate, and even improve sail—chorus of mariners, " Steer her up, and upon ; nay, what I consider the perfection of let her gang."—After this a rapid movement my art, I have discovered a method of ex- conducts you to New-York—the North-river pressing, in the most striking manner, that society hold a meeting at the corner of Wall- undefinable, indescribable silence, which ac- street, and determine to delay burning till all companies the falling of snow. the assembly-men are safe home, for fear of In order to prove to you that I do not arro- consuming some of their ov/n members who gate to myself what I am unable to perform, belong to that respectable body.—Return I will detail to you the different movements again to the capital Ice floats down the river of a grand piece which I pride myself upon —lamentation of skaters — air, affetuoso— exceedingly, called the " Breaking up of the "I sigh and lament me in vain," &c—Alba- ice in the North-river." nians cutting up sturgeon—air, " O, the roast

The piece opens with a gentle andante affe- beef of Albany."— Ice runs against Pclopoy's tuoso, which ushers you into the assembly- island, with a terrible crash : this is repre- room in the State-house at Albany, where sented by a fierce fellow travelling with his the Speaker addresses his farewell speech, fiddle-stick over a huge bass-viol, at the rate informing the members that the ice is about of one hundred and fifty bars a minute, and breaking up, and thanking them for their tearing the music to rags—this being what is great services and good behaviour in a man- called execution.—The great body of ice ner so pathetic as to bring tears into their passes West-point, and is saluted by three eyes. — Flourish of Jacks-a-donkies. — Ice or four dismounted cannon from Fort Put- " — cracks ; Albany in a hubbub—air, Three nam. " Jefferson's march" by a full band children sliding on the ice, all on a summer's air, " Yankee doodle," with seventy-six va- day."—Citizens quarrelling in Dutch—chorus riations, never before attempted, except by of a tin trumpet, a cracked fiddle, and a hand- the celebrated eagle, which flutters his wings saw ! allegro moderate.—Hard frost : this, over the copper-bottomed angel at Messrs. if given with proper spirit, has a charming Paff's, in Broadway.—Ice passes New-York effect, and sets every body's teeth chattering. —conch-shell sounds at a distance—ferryman Symptoms of snow—consultation of old wo- calls o-v-e-r—people run down Courtlandt- men who complain of pains in the bones, and street—ferry-boat sets sail—air, accompanied rheumatics— air, " There was an old woman by the conch-shell, " We'll all go over the tossed up in a blanket," &c allegro staccato. ferry."—Rondeau—giving a particular ac- —Waggon breaks into the ice—people all count of Brom the Powles-hook admiral, who run to see what is the matter—air, siciliano. is supposed to be closely connected with the —" Can you row the boat ashore, Billy boy, North-river society The society makes a ;

64 SALMAGUNDI.

grand attempt to fire the stream, but are all the rest of his life ; but having once learned utterly defeated by a remarkably high tide, this new musical language, the loss of speech which brings the plot to light—drowns up- will be a mere trifle, not Worth a moment's wards of a thousand rats, and oeeasions twenty uneasiness. Not only this, Mr. L., but it robins to break their necks.*—Society not will add much to the harmony of domestic being discouraged, apply to " Common Sense" intercourse; for it is certainly much more for his lantern—air, " Nose, nose, jolly red agreeable to hear a lady give lectures on the nose."—Flock of wild geese fly over the city piano, than, viva voce, in the usual discordant

.—old wives chatter' in the fog—cocks crow at measure. This manner of discoursing may Communipaw—drums beat on Governor's also, I think, be introduced with great effect island The whole to conclude with the into our national assemblies, where every blowing up of Sands' powder-house. man, instead of wagging his tongue, should

Thus, Sir, you perceive what wonderful be obliged to flourish a fiddle-stick ; by which powers of expression have been hitherto means, if he said nothing to the purpose, he locked up in this enchanting art; —a whole would at all events " discourse most eloquent history is here told without the aid of speech, music," which is more than can be said of or writing ; and provided the hearer is in the most of them at present. They might also least acquainted with music he cannot mis- sound their own trumpets without being take a single note. As to the blowing up of obliged to a hireling scribbler, for an immor- the powder-house, I look upon it as a chef- tality of nine days, or subjected to the cen- d'oeuvre, which I am confident will delight all sure of egotism. modern amateurs, who very properly estimate But the most important result of this dis- music in proportion to the noise it makes, covery is, that it may be applied to the esta- and delight in thundering cannon and earth- blishment of that great desideratum, in the quakes. learned world, a universal language. Wherever

I must confess, however, it is a difficult this science of music is cultivated, nothing part to manage, and I have already broken more will be necessary than a knowledge of six pianos in giving it the proper force and its alphabet ; which being almost the same effect. But I do not despair, and am quite every where, will amount to a universal me- certain that by the time I have broken eight dium of communication. A man may thus or ten more, I shall have brought it to such —with his violin under his arm, a piece of perfection, as to be able to teach any young rosin, and a few bundles of catgut—fiddle his lady of tolerable ear, to thunder it away to way through the world, and never be at a loss the infinite delight of papa and mamma, and to make himself understood. the great annoyance of those Vandals, who I am, &c. are so barbarous as to prefer the simple melody Demi Semiquaver. of a Scots air to the sublime .effusions of mo- dern musical doctors. In my warm anticipations of future im- NOTE BY THE PUBLISHER, provement, I have sometimes almost con- Without the knowledge or permission of the authors, myself that music will in time be vinced and which, if he dared, he would have placed near brought to such a elimax of perfection, as to where their remarks are made on the great difference supersede the necessity of speech and writing of manners which exists between the sexes now, from what they did in the days of our grand-dames. and every kind of social intercourse be con- The danger of that cheek by-jowl familiarity of the flute fiddle. The immense ducted by the and present day, must be obvious to many; and I think benefits that will result from this improve- the following a strong example of one of its evils. ment must be plain to every man of the least Extractedfrom" The Mirror of the Graces" consideration -In the present unhappy situa-

tion of mortals, a man has but one way of "I remember the Count M——, one of

making himself perfectly understood : if he the most accomplished and handsome young

loses his speech, he must inevitably be dumb men in Vienna : when I was there, he was * Vide, Solomon Lang. passionately- in love with a girl of almost !

SALMAGUNDI.

peerless beauty. She was the daughter of a a word, he rose from his chair—left the room man of great rank, and great influence at and the house. By tnat good-natured kiss well the fair Court ; and on these considerations, as boast of Vienna lost her lover—lost as in regard to her charms, she was followed her husband. The Count never saw her by a multitude of suitors. She was lively more." and amiable, and treated them all with an

affability which still kept them in her train, No. 11, i she had although it was generally known TUESDAY, JULY 2, 1807^

partiality for Count M ; and avowed a LETTER that preparations were making for their nup- FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI-KHAN tials The Count was of a refined mind, and Captain a Ketch, to Asem Hacchem, prin- a delicate sensibility : he loved her for herself of slave-driver to Highness alone; for the virtues which he believed cipal his the Bashaw Tripoli, dwelt in her beautiful form ; and, like a lover of of such perfections, he never approached her The deep shadows of midnight gather around

without timidity : and when he touched her, me—the footsteps of the passengers have a fire shot through his veins, that warned ceased in the streets, and nothing disturbs the him not to invade the vermilion sanctuary of holy silence of the hour, save tne sound of her lips. Such were his feelings, when, one distant drums, mingled with the shouts, the evening, at his intended father-in-law's, a bawlings, and the discordant revelry of his party of young people were met to celebrate majesty, the sovereign mob. Let the hour be a certain festival ; several of the young lady's sacred to friendship, and consecrated to thee, rejected suitors were present. Forfeits were oh, thou brother of the inmost soul one of the pastimes, and all went on with Oh, Asem ! I almost shrink at the recol- the greatest merriment, till the Count was lection of the scenes of confusion, of licentious commanded, by some witty ManCselle, to disorganization, which I have witnessed during redeem his glove by saluting the cheek of the last three days. I have beheld this whole his intended bride. The Count blushed, city, nay, this whole state, given up to trembled, advanced, retreated ; again ad- the tongue and the pen—to the puffers, the vanced to his mistress ; —and—at last—with bawlers, the babblers, and the slang-whangers. a tremor that shook his whole soul, and every I have beheld the community convulsed with fibre of his frame, with a modest and diffident a civil war, or civil talk—individuals ver- grace, he took the soft ringlet which played bally massacred—families annihilated by upon her cheek, pressed it to his lips, and re- whole sheets full—and slang-whangers coolly tired to demand his redeemed pledge in the bathing their pens in ink, and rioting in the most evident confusion. His mistress gaily slaughter of their thousands. I have seen, smiled, and the game went on. in short, that awful despot, the people, in the " One of her rejected suitors, who was of a moment of unlimited power wielding news- merry, unthinking disposition, was adjudged papers in one hand, and with the other scat- by the same indiscreet crier of the forfeits as tering mud and filth about, like some despe- " his last treat before he hanged himself" to rate lunatic relieved from the restraints of his snatch a kiss from the object of his recent strait-waistcoat. I have seen beggars on vows. A lively contest ensued between the horseback, ragamuffins riding in coaches, and gentleman and lady, which lasted for more swine seated in places of honour. I have

than a minute ; but the lady yielded, though seen liberty ! I have seen equality i I have in the midst of a convulsive laugh. seen fraternity ! I have seen that great poli- " The Count had the mortification—the tical puppet-show—AN ELECTION. agony—to see the lips, which his passionate A few days ago the friend, whom I have and delicate love would not permit him to mentioned in some of my former letters, call- touch, kissed with roughness, and repetition, ed upon me to accompany him to witness this

by another man—even by one whom he really grand ceremony ; and we forthwith sallied despised. Mournfully and silently, without out to the polls, as he called them. Though, F : m SALMAGUNDI. for several weeks before this splendid exhibi- purpose of detailing all the crimes, the faults, tion, nothing else had been talked of, yet I or the weaknesses of their opponents, and do assure thee I was entirely ignorant of its speaking the sense of the meeting, as it is nature ; and when, on coming up to a church, called ; for as the meeting generally consists my companion informed me we were at the of men whose quota of sense, taken indivi- poll, I supposed that an election was some dually, would make but a poor figure, these great religious ceremony like the fast of Ra- orators are appointed to collect it all in a mazan, or the great festival of Haraphat, so lump, when, I assure you, it makes a very celebrated in the east. formidable appearance, and furnishes suffi- My friend, however, undeceived me at cient matter to spin an oration of two or three once, and entered into a long dissertation on hours. the nature and object of an election, the sub- " The orators who declaim at these meet- stance of which was nearly to this effect ings are, with a few exceptions, men of most " You know,'' said he, " that this country profound and perplexed eloquence, who are is engaged in a violent internal warfare, and the oracles of barbers' shops, market places, suffers a variety of evils from civil dissen- and porter houses, and whom you may see tions. An election is the grand trial of every day at the corner of the street, taking strength, the decisive battle when the belli- honest men prisoners Dy the button, and talk- gerents draw out their forces in martial array; ing their ribs quite bare, without mercy and when every leader burning with warlike ar- without end. These orators, in addressing dour, and encouraged by the shouts and ac- an audience, generally mount a chair, a table, clamations of tatterdemalions, buffoons, de- or an empty beer barrel—which last is sup- pendents, parasites, toad-eaters, scrubs, va- posed to afford considerable inspiration—and grants, mumpers, ragamuffins, bravoes, and thunder away their combustible sentiments at beggars, in his rear ; and puffed up by his the heads of the audience, who are generally bellows-blowing slang-whangers, waves gal- so busily employed in smoking, drinking, lantly the banners of faction, and presses and hearing themselves talk, that they seldom forward to office and immortality. hear a word of the matter. This, however,

" For a month or two previous to the criti- is of little moment ; for as they come there cal period which is to decide this important to agree at all events to a certain set of reso- affair, the whole community is in a ferment. lutions, or articles of war, it is not at all Every man of whatever rank or degree, such necessary to hear the speech, more especially is the wonderful patriotism of the people, as few would understand it if they did. Do disinterestedly neglects his business, to de- not suppose, however, that the minor per- vote himself to his country ; —and not an in- sons of the meeting are entirely idle : besides significant fellow, but feels himself inspired, smoking and drinking, which are generally on this occasion, with as much warmth in practised, there are few who do not come favour of the cause he has espoused, as if all with as great a desire to talk as the orator the comfort of his life, or even his life itself, himself; each has his little circle of listeners, was dependent on the issue. Grand councils in the midst of whom he sets his hat on one of war are, in the first place, called by the side of his head, and deals out matter-of-fact different powers, which are dubbed general information, and draws self-evident conclu- meetings, where all the head workmen of the sions, with the pertinacity of a pedant, and to party collect, and arrange the order of battle the great edification of his gaping auditors. —appoint the different commanders, and their Nay, the very urchins from the nursery, who subordinate instruments, and furnish the are scarcely emancipated from the dominion funds indispensable for supplying the ex- of birch, on these occasions, strut pigmy penses of the war. Inferior councils are next great men—bellow for the instruction ofgrey- called in the different classes or wards, con- bearded ignorance, and, like the frog in the sisting of young cadets, who are candidates fable, endeavour to puff themselves up to the for office ; idlers who come there from mere size of the great object of their emulation— curiosity; and orators who appear for the the principal orator." —; ; ;

SALMAGUNDI. 67

* c suspense, and sub- But is it not preposterous to a degree," and all is buzz, murmur,

limity ! cried I, " for those puny whipsters to attempt 44 arrives. storm to lecture age and experience ? They should At length the day The that has gathering and threaten- be sent to school to learn better." " Not at been so long election ing in distant thunders, bursts forth in ter- all," replied my friend ; " for as an

the, rible explosion : all business is at an end is nothing more than a war of words, man that can wag his tongue with the greatest the whole city is in a tumult ; the people are elasticity, whether he speaks to the purpose running helter-skelter, they know not whither,

or not, is entitled to lecture at ward-meetings and they know not why ; the hackney-coaches and polls, and instruct all who are inclined rattle through the streets with thundering ve- to listen to him. You may have remarked a hemence, loaded with recruiting sergeants, ward-meeting of politic dogs, where, although who have been prowling in cellars and caves,

the great dog is, ostensibly, the leader, and to unearth some miserable minion of poverty makes the most noise, yet every little scoun- and ignorance, who will barter hi3 vote for a drel of a cur has something to say, and in glass of beer, or a ride in a coach with such proportion to his insignificance, fidgets, and fine gentlemen !—the buzzards of the party worries, and puffs about mightily, in order scamper from poll to poll, on foot or on

to obtain the notice and approbation of his horseback ; and they worry from committee

betters. Thus it is with these little, beard- to committee, and buzz, and fume, and talk

less, bread-and-butter politicians who, on big, and — do nothing : like the vagabond this occasion, eseape from the jurisdiction of drone, who wastes his time in the laborious their mammas to attend to the affairs of the idleness of seesaw-song, and busy nothing-

nation : you will see them engaged in dread- ness." ful wordy contest with old cartmen, cobblers, I know not how long my friend would have and tailors, and plume themselves not a little continued his detail, had he not been inter- if they should chance to gain a victory. rupted by a squabble which took place be-

Aspiring spirits ! how interesting are the first tween two old continentals, as they were

dawnings of political greatness ! An elec- called. It seems they had entered into an tion, my friend, is a nursery or hot-bed of argument on the respective merits of their

genius in a logocracy ; and I look with en- cause, and not being able to make each other thusiasm on a troop of these Liliputian par- clearly understood, resorted to what is called tizans, as so many chatterers, and orators, knock-down arguments, which form the su- and puffers, and slang-whangers in embryo, perlative degree of argumentum ad hominem; who, will one day take an important part but are, in my opinion, extremely inconsis* in the quarrels and wordy wars of their tent with the true spirit of a genuine logo- country. cracy. After they had beaten each other 44 As the time for fighting the decisive soundly, and set the whole mob together by

battle approaches, appearances become more the ears, they came to a full explanation

and more alarming ; committees are appoint- when h was discovered that they were both of ed, who hold little encampments, from whence the same way of thinking ;—whereupon they they send out small detachments of tattlers shook each other heartily by the hand, and to reconnoitre, harass, and skirmish with laughed with great glee at their humorous the enemy, and, if possible, ascertain their misunderstanding.

numbers ; every body seems big with the I could not help being struck with the ex-

mighty event that is impending : the great ceeding great number of ragged, dirty look- orators gradually swell up beyond their usual ing persons that swaggered about the place,

size ; the little orators grow greater and and seemed to think themselves the bashaws

greater ; the secretaries of the ward commit- of the land. I inquired of my friend if tees strut about looking like wooden oracles these people were employed to drive away the the puffers put on the airs of mighty conse- hogs, dogs, and other intruders that might

quence ; the slang-whangers deal out direful thrust themselves in and interrupt the cere-

4 inuendoes, and threats of doughty import ; mony ?— ' By no means," replied he ; " these F 2 :

SALMAGUNDI. are the representatives of the sovereign peo- Dcdy-guard. of buzzards and hfo legion of ple, who come here to make governors, sena- ragamuffins, and woe then to every unhappy tors, and members of Assembly, and are the adversary who is uninspired by the deity of source of all power and authority in this na- the beer-barrel—he is sure to be talked and — !" " argued into complete insignificance. tion." " Preposterous said I ; how is it possible that such men can be capable of While I was making these observations, I distinguishing between an honest man and a was surprised to observe a bashaw, high in knave ; or even if they were, will it not office, shaking a fellow by the hand, that always happen that they are led by the nose looked rather more ragged than a scare-crow, by some intriguing demagogue, and made the and inquiring with apparent solicitude con- mere tools of ambitious political jugglers ? cerning the health of his family ; after which

Surely it would be better to trust to Provi- he slipped a little folded paper into his hand, dence, or even to chance, for governors, than and turned away. I could not help applaud-

•resort to the discriminating powers of an igno- ing his humility in shaking the fellow's hand, rant mob.—I plainly perceive the consequence. and his benevolence in relieving his dis- A roan, who possesses superior talents, and tresses, for I imagined the paper contained that honest pride which ever accompanies this something for the poor man's necessities; possession, will always be sacrificed to some and truly he seemed verging towards the last creeping insect who will prostitute himself to stage of starvation. My friend, however, familiarity with the lowest of mankind, and, soon undeceived me, by saying that this like the idolatrous Egyptian, worship the was an elector, and the bashaw had merely wallowing tenants of filth and mire." given him the list of candidates for whom he " !" " then " All this is true enough," replied my was to vote. Ho ! ho said I, he is a particular friend of the bashaw ?" " By friend ; " but after all you cannot say but " that this is a free country, and that the peo- no means," replied my friend, the bashaw ple can get drunk cheaper here, particularly will pass him without notice the day after at elections, than in the despotic countries of the election, except, perhaps, just to drive the east." I could not, with any degree of over him with his coach. My friend then proceeded to inform me, propriety or truth, deny this last assertion ; for just at that moment a patriotic brewer that for some time before, and during the arrived with a load of beer, which, for a continuance of an election, there was a most moment, occasioned a cessation of argument. delectable courtship, or intrigue, carried on The great crowd of buzzards, puffers, and between the great bashaws and mother mob.

" old continentals " of all parties, who throng That mother mob generally preferred the to the polls, to persuade, to cheat, or to force attentions of the rabble, or of fellows of her conde- the freeholders into the right way, and to own stamp ; but would sometimes thing maintain the freedom of suffrage, seemed for scend to be treated to a feasting, or any

expense : nay, a moment to forget their antipathies, and of that kind, at the bashaw's joined heartily in a copious libation of this sometimes when she was in good humour, patriotic and argumentative beverage. she would condescend to toy with them in These beer-barrels, indeed, seem to be her rough way ; but wo be to the bashaw most able logicians, well stored with that who attempted to be familiar with her, for kind of sound argument best suited to the she was the most pestilent, cross, crabbed, comprehension, and most relished by the scolding, thieving, scratching, toping, wrong- mob or sovereign people, who are never so headed, rebellious, and abominable termagant tractable as when operated upon by this con- that ever was let loose in the world, to the bashaws. vincing liquor, which, in fact, seems to be confusion of honest gentlemen and distri- imbued with the very spirit of a logocracy Just then, a fellow came round a number of hand- no sooner does it begin its operation, than buted among the crowd Washington, the tongue waxes exceedingly valorous, and bills, written by the ghost of becomes impatient for some mighty conflict. the fame of whose illustrious actions, and The puffer puts himself at the head of his still more illustrious virtues, has reached even :

SALMAGUNDI. m

the remotest regions of the east, and who is descended to he their slave, will at length venerated by this people as the Father of his become their master; and in proportion to country. On reading this paltry paper, I the vileness of his former servitude will be could not restrain my indignation. " Insulted the severity of his subsequent tyranny.—Yet, hero," cried I, " is it thus thy name is with innumerable examples staring them in profaned—thy memory disgraced—thy spirit the face, the people still bawl out liberty by drawn down from heaven to administer to the which they mean nothing but freedom from brutal violence of party rage ! —It is thus the every species of legal restraint, and a warrant necromancers of the east, by their infernal for all kinds of licentiousness : and the incantations, sometimes call up the shades of bashaws and leaders, in courting the mob, the just, to give their sanction to frauds, to convince them of their power ; and by admi- lies, and to every species of enormity." My nistering to their passions, for the purposes friend smiled at my warmth, and observed, of ambition, at length learn by fatal ex- that raising ghosts, and not only raising perience, that he who worships the beast that them but making them speak, was one of the carries him on its back, will sooner or later miracles of election. " And believe me," be thrown into the dust and trampled under continued he, " there is good reason for the foot by the animal who has learnt the secret ashes of departed heroes being disturbed on of its power, by this very adoration. these occasions, for such is the sandy founda- Ever thine, tion of our government, that there never MuSTAPHA. happens an election of an alderman, or a collector, or even a constable, but we are in imminent danger of losing our liberties, and MINE UNCLE JOHN. becoming a province of France, or tributary FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. to the British islands." " By the hump of Mahomet's camel," said I, " but this is only To those whose habits of abstraction may another striking example of the prodigious have let them into some of the secrets of their great scale on which every thing is transacted own minds, and whose freedom from daily in this country I" toil has left them at leisure to analyze their

By this time I had become tired of ihe feelings, it will be nothing new to say that scene ; my head ached with the uproar of the present is peculiarly the season of remem- voices, mingling in all the discordant tones brance. The flowers, the zephyrs, and the. of triumphant exclamation, nonsensical argu- warblers of 'spring, returning after their ment, intemperate reproach, and drunken tedious absence, bring naturally to our recol- absurdity. The confusion was such as no lection past times and buried feelings ; and language can adequately describe; and it the whispers of the full-foliaged grove, fall seemed as if all the restraints, of decency, on the ear of contemplation, like the sweet and all the bonds of law, had been broken tones of far-distant friends, whom the rude and given place to the wide ravages of licen,- jostles of the world have severed from us, and

tious brutality. These, thought I, are the cast far beyond our reach. It is at such times

orgies of liberty ! —these are the manifesta- that casting backward many a lingering look

tions of the spirit of independence ! —these we recall, with a kind of sweet-souled melan- are the symbols of man's sovereignty !— choly, the days of our youth, and the jocund

Head of Mahomet ! —with what a fatal and companions who started with us the race of

inexorable despotism do empty names and life, but parted midway in the journey to ideal phantoms exercise their dominion over pursue some winding path that allured them

the human mind ! The experience of ages with a prospect more seducing—and never

has demonstrated, that in all nations, barba- returned to us again. It is- then too, if we rous or enlightened, the mass of the people, have been afflicted with any heavy sorrow, if the mob, must be slaves, or they will be we have even lost—and who has not ?—an

tyrants ; but their tyranny will not be long old friend, or chosen companion, that his

some ambitious leader, having at first con- shade will hover around us ; the memory of ;;

70 SALMAGUNDI.

his virtues press on the heart ; and a thou- features it bore when I was a school-boy sand endearing recollections, forgotten amidst for it was in this spot that I grew up in the the cold pleasures and midnight dissipations fear of ghosts, and in the breaking of many of winter, arise to our remembrance. of the ten commandments. The brook, or These speculations bring to my mind my river as they would call it in Europe, still Uncle John, the history of whose loves, murmured with its wonted sweetness through and disappointments, I have promised to the the meadow, and its banks were still tufted world. Though I must own myself much with dwarf willows, that bent down to the addicted to forgetting my promises, yet, as surface. The same echo inhabited the valley, I have been so happily reminded of this, and the same tender air of repose pervaded

I believe I must pay it at once, " and there the whole scene. Even my good uncle was an end." Lest my readers, good-natured but little altered, except that his hair was souls that they are ! should, in the ardour of grown a little greyer, and his forehead had lost peeping into millstones, take my uncle for an some of its former smoothness. He had, old acquaintance, I here inform them, that however, lost nothing of his former activity, the old gentleman died a great many years and laughed heartily at the difficulty I found ago, and it is impossible they should ever m keeping up with him as he stumped have known him:— I pity them—for they through bushes, and briers, and hedges would have known a good-natured, benevolent talking all the time about his improvements, man, whose example might have been of and telling what he would do with such a service. spot of ground and such a tree. At length, The last time I saw my uncle John was after showing me his stone-fences, his famous fifteen years ago, when I paid him a visit at two-year-old bull, his new invented cart, his old mansion. I found him reading a which was to go before the horse, and his newspaper—for it was election time, and he Eclipse colt, he was pleased to return home was always a warm federalist, and had made to dinner. several converts to the true political faith in After dining and returning thanks,—which his time, particularly one old tenant, who with him was not a ceremony merely, but an always, just before the election, became a offering from the heart,—my uncle opened violent anti, in order that he might be con- his trunk, took out his fishing-tackle, and, vinced of his errors by my uncle, who never without saying a word, sallied forth with failed to reward his conviction by some sub- some of those truly alarming steps which stantial benefit. Daddy Neptune once took when he was in a After we had settled the affairs of the great hurry to attend to the affair of the nation, and I had paid my respects to the old siege of Troy. Trout-fishing was my uncle's family chronicles in the kitchen—an indis- favourite sport} and though I always caught pensable ceremony—the old gentleman ex- two fish to his one, he never would acknow- claimed, with heart-felt glee, "Well, I ledge my superiority; but puzzled himself suppose you are for a trout-fishing : I have often, and often, to account for such a singu- got every thing prepared, but first you must lar phenomenon. take a walk with me to see my improvements." Following the current of the brook, for a I was obliged to consent, though I knew my mile or two, we retraced many of our old uncle would lead me a most villanous dance, haunts, and told a hundred adventures which and in all probability treat me to a quagmire, had befallen us at different times. It was or a tumble into a ditch.—If my readers like snatching the hour-glass of time, invert- choose to accompany me in this expedition, ing it, and rolling back again the sands that they are welcome ; if not, let them stay at had marked the lapse of years. At length home like lazy fellows—and sleep—or be the shadows began to lengthen, the south hanged. wind gradually settled into a perfect calm, Though I had been absent several years, the sun threw his rays through the trees yet there was very little alteration in the on the hill-tops in golden lustre, and a kind scenery, and every object retained the same of Sabbath stillness pervaded the whole val- ; —a)

SALMAGUNDI. 71 ley, indicating that the hour was fast ap- neither were they owing to his poverty,— proaching which was to relieve for a while, which sometimes stands in an honest man's the farmer from his rural labour, the ox from way,—for he was born to the inheritance of a his toil, the school urchin from his primer, small estate, which was sufficient to establish and bring the loving ploughman home to the his claim to the title of " one well to do in feet of his blooming dairy-maid. the world." The truth is, my uncle had a As we were watching in silence the last prodigious antipathy to doing things in a rays of the sun, beaming their farewell hurry.—"A man should consider," said he radiance on the high hills at a distance, my to me once, " that he can always get a wife, uncle exclaimed, in a kind of half desponding but cannot always get rid of her. For my tone, while he rested his arm over an old part," continued he, "I am a young fellow tree that had fallen—" I know not bow it with the world before me (he was about forty ! is, my dear Launce, but such an evening, and am resolved to look sharp, weigh matters and sue\ 8 still quiet scene as this, al- well, and know what's what before I marry : ways ro&He me a little sad ; and it is at in short, Launce, / don't intend to do the such a time I am most apt to look forward thing in a hurry, depend upon it." On with regret to the period when this farm, on this whim-wham, he proceeded: he began which " I have been young, but now am with young girls, and ended with widows old," and every object around me that is The girls he courted until they grew old endeared by long acquaintance,—when all maids, or married out of pure apprehension these and I must shake hands and part. I of incurring certain penalties hereafter ; have no fear of death, for my life has afforded and the widows not having quite as much but little temptation to wickedness ; and patience, generally, at the end of a year, when I die, I hope to leave behind me more while the good man thought himself in the substantial proofs of virtue than will be found high road to success, married some harum- in my epitaph, and more lasting memorials scarum young fellow, who had not such an than churches built or hospitals endowed antipathy to do things in a hurry. with wealth wrung from the hard hand of My uncle would inevitably have sunk poverty, by an unfeeling landlord, or unprin- under these repeated disappointments—for he cipled knave ; —but still when I pass such a did not want sensibility—had he not hit upon day as this, and contemplate such a scene, I a discovery which set all to rights at once. cannot help feeling a latent wish to linger yet He consoled his vanity—for he was a little a little longer in this peaceful asylum; to vain—and soothed his pride, which was his enjoy a little more sunshine in this world, master passion—by telling his friends very and to have a few more fishing matches with significantly, while his eye would flash my boy." As he ended he raised his hand a triumph, " that he might have had her." little from the fallen tree, and dropping it Those who know how much of the bitterness languidly by his side, turned himself towards of disappointed affection arises from wounded home. The sentiment, the look, the action, vanity and exasperated pride, will give my all seemed to be prophetic.—And so they uncle credit for this discovery. were, for when I shook him by the hand and My uncle had been told by a prodigious bade him farewell the next morning—it was number of married men, and had read in an for the last time ! innumerable quantity of books, that a man He died a bachelor, at the age of sixty- could not possibly be happy except in the three, though he had been all his life trying marriage state ; so he determined at an early to get married, and always thought himself age to marry, that he might not lose his only on the point of accomplishing his wishes. chance for happiness. He accordingly forth- His disappointments were not owing either with paid his addresses to the daughter of a to the deformity of his mind or person ; for neighbouring gentleman farmer, who was in his youth he was reckoned handsome, and reckoned the beauty of the old world— I my»elf can witness for him that he had as phrase by which the honest country people kind a heart as ever was fashioned by heaven mean nothing more than the circle of their SALMAGUNDI. ft

Acquaintance, or that territory of land which great beau), mount his grey horse' Pepper, is within sight of the smoke of their own and ride over to see Miss Pamela, though hamlet. she lived upwards of a mile off, and he was This young lady, in addition to her "beauty, obliged to pass close by a church-yard, which was highly accomplished, for she had spent at least a hundred creditable persons would five or six months at a hoarding-school in swear was haunted. Miss Pamela could not town, where she learned to work pictures in be insensible to such proofs of attachment, satin, and paint sheep that might be mistaken and accordingly received him with consider-

for wolves ; to hold up her head, sit straight able kindness ; her mother always left the in a chair, and to think every species of use- room when he came—and my uncle had as ful acquirement beneath her attention— good as made a declaration by saying one When she returned home, so completely had evening, very significantly, "that he believed she forgotten every thing she knew before, that he should soon change his condition ;" that on seeing one of the maids milking a when, some how or other, he began to think cow, she asked her father with an air of most he was doing things in too great a hurry, and

enchanting ignorance, " what that odd look- that it was high time to consider ; so he con- ing thing was doing to that queer animal ?" sidered near a month about it, and there is no saying longer The old man shook his head at this ; but how much he might have spun the mother was delighted at these symptoms the thread of his doubts, had he not been of gentility, and so enamoured of her daugh- roused from this state of indecision, by the ter's accomplishments, that she actually got news that his mistress had married an attor- framed a picture worked in satin by the young ney's apprentice, whom she had seen the lady. It represented the tomb scene in Romeo Sunday before at church, where he had ex- cited the applauses of the whole congregation and Juliet : Romeo was dressed in an orange-coloured cloak, fastened round his by the invincible gravity with which he listened to a Dutch sermon. The young neck with a large golden clasp ; a white satin tamboured waistcoat, leather breeches, blue people in the neighbourhood laughed a good silk stockings, and white topped hoots. The deal at my uncle on the occasion ; but he amiable Juliet shone in a flame-coloured only shrugged his shoulders, looked mys- gown, most gorgeously bespangled with terious, and replied, " Tut, boys ! I might silver stars, a high-crowned muslin cap that have had her.''''*

reached to the top of the tomb ; —on her feet she wore a pair of short-quartered high- No. 12. heeled shoes, and her waist was the exact fac-simile of an inverted sugar loaf. The SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1807- head of the "noble county Paris" looked FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. like a chimney-sweep's brush that had lost

its handle ; and the cloak of the good friar Some men delight in the study of plants, hung about him as gracefully as the armour in the dissection of a leaf, or the contour and

of a rhinoceros. The good lady considered complexion of a tulip ; others are charmed this picture as a splendid proof of her daugh- with the beauties of the feathered race, or the

ter's accomplishments, and hung it up in the best parlour, as an honest tradesman does his Note by William Wizard, Esq.

certificate of admission into that enlightened * Our publisher, who is busily engaged in printing is more generally body yclept the Mechanic Society. a celebrated work, which perhaps read in this city than any other book, not excepting With this accomplished young lady, then, the Bible— I mean the New York Directory— has uncle deeply ena- did my John become begged so hard that we would not overwhelm him

moured ; and as it was his first love, he with too much of a good thing, that we hare, with residue of determined to bestir himself in an extraordi- Langstaff's approbation, cut short the uncle John's amours. In all probability it will be nary manner. Once at least in a fortnight, given in a future number, whenever Launcelot is in and generally on a Sunday evening, he would the humour for it ; he is such an odd-but mum, for put on his leather breeches (for he was a fear of anotl^r suspension. ; ;

SALMAGUNDI. 1?> varied hues of the insect tribe. A naturalist ance, is to gallant him to* old Cockloft's, will spend hours in the fatiguing pursuit of a where he never fails to receive the freedom of the in butterfly ; and a man of the ton will waste house a pinch from his gold box. Will whole years in the chase of a fine lady. I has, without exception, the queerest, most feel a respect for their avocations, for my own eccentric, and indescribable set of intimates are somewhat similar. I love to open the that ever man possessed ; how he became ac- quainted with great volume of human character : to me the them I cannot conceive, ex- examination of a beau is more interesting cept by supposing there is a secret attraction unintelligible than that of a daffodil or Narcissus ; and I or sympathy that unconsciously feel a thousand times more pleasure in catch- draws together oddities of every soil. ing a new view of human nature, than in Will's great crony for some time was Tom kidnapping the most gorgeous butterfly- Straddle, to whom he really took a great even an Emperor of Morocco himself. liking. Staddle had just arrived in an im- In my present situation I have ample room portation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, or rather, as the learned for the indulgence of this taste ; for perhaps most there is not a house in this city more fertile English would call it, Brummagem, so fa- in subjects for the anatomists of human cha- mous for its manufactories of gimlets, pen- racter, than my cousin Cockloft's. Honest knives, and pepper-boxes, and where they Christopher, as I have before mentioned, is make buttons and beaux enough to inundate one of those hearty old cavaliers who pride our whole country. He was a young man of themselves upon keeping up the good, honest, considerable standing in the manufactory at unceremonious hospitality of old times. He Birmingham ; sometimes had the honour to is never so happy as when he has drawn about hand his master's daughter into a tim-whiskey, him a knot of sterling-hearted associates, and was the oracle of the tavern he frequented on

sits at the head of his table, dispensing a Sundays, and could beat all his associates, if warm, cheering welcome to all. His counte- you would take his word for it, in boxing, beer-drinking, nance expands at every glass, and beams forth jumping over chairs, and imi- tating cats in gutter opera-singers. emanations of hilarity, benevolence, and good a and Straddle catch- fellowship, that inspire and gladden every was, moreover, a member of a club, and was a great hand at ringing bob- guest around him. It is no wonder, there- majors he was, of course, a complete con- fore, that such excellent social qualities should ; noisseur in music, and entitled to assume that attract a host of guests ; in fact, my cousin character at all performances in the art. He is almost overwhehned with them ; and they was likewise a member of a spouting-club all, uniformly, pronounce old Cockloft to be had seen a company of strolling actors per- one of the finest old fellows in the world. form in a barn, and even, like His wine also always comes in for a good share had Abel Drugger, " enacted" the part of Major Stur- of their approbation ; nor do they forget to do geon with considerable applause; he was honour to Mrs. Cockloft's cookery, pronoun- consequently a profound critic, and fully cing it to be modelled after the most approved authorised to turn his nose at any recipes of Heliogabalus and Mrs. Glasse. up Ame- rican performances. had twice partaken The variety of company thus attracted is par- He of annual dinners, given to the head manu- ticularly pleasing to ne ; for being considered facturers of Birmingham, where he had the a privileged person in the family, I can sit in good fortune to get a taste of turtle and turbot, a corner, indulge in my favourite amusement of Champagne and Burgundy of observation, and retreat to my elbow-chair, and a smack ; heard a vast deal of the roast beef like a bee to his hive, whenever I have col- and he had he was therefore epicure lected sufficient food for meditation. of Old England; sufficient to d n every dish and every glass Will Wizard is particularly efficient in — he tasted in America, though at the adding to the stock of originals which fre- of wine same time he was as voracious an animal as quent our house ; for he is one of the most Atlantic. Straddle had been inveterate hunters of oddities I ever knew ever crossed the half a dozen times by the carriages and his first care, on making a new acquaint- splashed : :

SALMAGUNDI.

of nobility, and had once the superlative feli- departure ; equipped himself with a smart city of being kicked out of doors by the foot- crooked stick about eighteen inches long, a man of a noble duke ; he could, therefore, pair of breeches of most unheard-of length, a talk of nobility, and despise the untitled little short pair of Hoby 's white-topped boots, plebeians of America. In short, Straddle that seemed to stand on tip-toe to reach his was one of those dapper, bustling, florid, breeches, and his hat had the true trans-atlan- round, self-important " gemmen" who bounce tic declination towards his right ear. The

upon us half beau, half button-maker ; under- fact was—nor did he make any secret of it take to give us the true polish of the bon-ton, he was detrmined to astonish the natives a and endeavour to inspire us with a proper and few ! dignified contempt of our native country. Straddle was not a little disappointed on Straddle was quite in raptures when his his arrival, to find the Americans were rather

employers determined to send him to Ame- more civilized than he had imagined ; he was rica as an agent. He considered himself as suffered to walk to his lodgings unmolested going among a nation of barbarians, where by a crowd, and even unnoticed by a single

he would be received as a prodigy : he antici- individual : no love-letters came pouring in

pated, with a proud satisfaction, the bustle upon him ; no rivals lay in wait to assassinate

and confusion his arrival would occasion; him ; his very dress excited no attention, for the crowd that would throng to gaze at him there were many fools dressed equally ridi-

as he passed through the streets ; and had culous with himself. This was mortifying little doubt but that he should excite as much indeed to an aspiring youth, who had come curiosity as an Indian chief or a Turk in the out with the idea of astonishing and capti- streets of Birmingham. He had heard of the vating. He was equally unfortunate in his beauty of our women, and chuckled at the pretensions to the character of critic, con- thought of how completely he should eclipse noisseur, and boxer: he condemned our their unpolished beaux, and the number of whole dramatic corps, and every thing apper-

despairing lovers that would mourn the hour taining to the theatre ; but his critical abili- of his arrival. I am even informed by Will ties were ridiculed ; —he found fault with old Wizard that he put good store of beads, spike- Cockloft's dinner, not even sparing his wine,

nails, and looking-glasses in his trunk, to and was never invited to the house afterwards win the affections of the fair ones as they —he scoured the streets at night, and was paddled about in their bark canoes. The cudgelled by a sturdy watchman ;—he hoaxed reason Will gave for this error of Straddle's an honest mechanic, and was soundly kicked. respecting our ladies was, that he had read in Thus disappointed in all his attempts at Guthrie's Geography that the aborigines of notoriety, Straddle hit on the expedient which

America were all savages; and not exactly was resorted to by the Giblets ; he determined understanding the word aborigines, he applied to take the town by storm. He accordingly to one of his fellow apprentices, who assured bought horses and equipages, and forthwith him that it was the Latin word for inhabitants. made a furious dash at style in a gig and Wizard used to tell another anecdote of tandem.

Straddle, which always put him in a passion As Straddle's finances were but limited, it —Will swore that the captain of the ship may easily be supposed that his fashionable told him, that when Straddle heard they were career infringed a little upon his consign- off the banks of Newfoundland, he insisted ments, which was indeed the case—for to use upon going on shore there to gather some a true cockney phrase, Brummagem suffered. good cabbages, of which he was excessively But this was a circumstance that made little fond. Straddle, however, denied all this, and impression upon Straddle, who was now a lad declared it to be a mischievous quiz of Will of spirit, and lads of spirit always despise the Wizard, who indeed often made himself sordid cares of keeping another man's money. merry at his expense. However this may be, Suspecting this circumstance, I never could certain it is he kept his tailor and shoe-maker witness any of his exhibitions of style, with-' constantly employed for a month before his out some whimsical association of ideas. !

SALMAGUNDI. V5

Did he give an entertainment to a host of lection with an Indian, and a cataract, but guzzling friends, I immediately fancied them without success. In fine, the people talked gormandizing heartily at the expense of poor of Straddle and his equipage, and Straddle

Birmingham, and swallowing a consignment talked of his horses, until it was impossible of hand-saws and razors. Did I behold him for the most critical observer to pronounee dashing through Broadway in his gig, I saw whether Straddle or his horses were most ad- him, " in my mind's eye," driving tandem mired, or whether Straddle admired himself on a nest of tea-boards ; nor could I ever or his horses most. contemplate his cockney exhibitions of horse- Straddle was now in the zenith of his glory. manship, but my mischievous imagination He swaggered about parlours and drawing- would picture him spurring a cask of hard- rooms with the same unceremonious confi- ware, like rosy Bacchus bestriding a beer dence he used to display in the taverns at barrel, or the little gentleman who be-strad- Birmingham. He accosted a lady as he dles the world in the front of Hutching's would a bar-maid ; and this was pronounced Almanack. a certain proof that he had been used to better Straddle was equally successful with the company in Birmingham. He became the

Giblets, as may well be supposed ; for though great man of all the taverns between New- pedestrian merit may strive in vain to become York and Haerlem ; and no one stood a fashionable in Gotham, yet a candidate in an chance of being accommodated until Straddle equipage is always recognised, and, like and his horses were perfectly satisfied. He Philip's ass, laden with gold, will gain ad- d—d the landlords and the waiters with the mittance every where. Mounted in his cur- best air in the world, and accosted them with ricle or his gig, the candidate is like a statue true gentlemanly familiarity. He staggered elevated on a high pedestal ; his merits are from the dinner table to the play, entered the discernible from afar, and strike the dullest box like a tempest, and staid long enough to

optics. Oh ! Gotham, Gotham ! most en- be bored to death, and to bore all those who

lightened of cities ! how does my heart swell had the misfortune to be near him. From with delight when I behold your sapient in- thence he dashed off to a ball, time enough habitants lavishing their attention with such to flounder through a cotillon, tear half a wonderful discernment dozen gowns, commit a number of other de- Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, predations, and make the whole company and was caressed, and courted, and invited to sensible of his infinite condescension in com- dinners and balls. Whatever was absurd or ing amongst them. The people of Gotham ridiculous in him before, was now declared to thought him a prodigious fine fellow; the be the style. He criticised our theatre, and young bucks cultivated his acquaintance with was listened to with reverence. He pro- the most persevering assiduity, and his re- nounced our musical entertainments barbarous; tainers were sometimes complimented with a and the judgment of Apollo himself would seat in his curricle, or a ride on one of his not have been more decisive. He abused fine horses. The belles were delighted with

our dinners ; and the god of eating, if there the attentions of such a fashionable gentle- be any such deity, seemed to speak through man, and struck with astonishment at his his organs. He became at once a man of learned distinctions between wrought scissors

taste, for he put his malediction on every and those of cast-steel ; together with his pro- thing; and his arguments were conclusive, found dissertations on buttons and horse-

for he supported every assertion with a bet. flesh. The rich merchants courted his ac-

He was likewise pronounced by the learned quaintance, because he was an Englishman ; in the fashionable world, a young man of and their wives treated him with great de- great research and deep observation, for he ference, because he had come from beyond had sent home, as natural curiosities, an ear seas. I cannot help here observing, that of Indian corn, a pair of moccasons, a belt of your salt water is a marvellous great sharpener wampum, and a four-leaved clover. He had of men's wits, and I intend to recommend it to taken great pains to enrich this curious col- some of my acquaintance in a particular essay. — a !

76 SALMAGUNDI.

Straddle continued his brilliant career for THE STRANGER AT HOME only a short time. His prosperous journey, over the turnpike of fashion was checked by A TOUR IN BROAD WA Y. some of those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspiring youth, called creditors, or duns— BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. race of people who, as a celebrated writer PREFACE. observes, "are hated by gods and men." Consignments slackened, whispers of distant Your learned traveller begins his travels at suspicion floated in the dark, and those pests the commencement of his journey; others

Of society, the tailors and shoe-makers, rose begin their's at the end ; and a third class begin in rebellion against Straddle. In vain were any how and any where, which I think is the all his remonstrances, in vain did he prove to true way. A late facetious writer begins them, that though he had given them no what he calls "A Picture of New-York," money, yet he had given them more custom, with a particular description of Glen's Falls, and as many promises as any young man in from whence, with admirable dexterity, he the city. They were inflexible, and the sig- makes a digression to the celebrated Mill nal of danger being given, a host of other Rock, on Long-Island ! Now this is what I prosecutors pounced upon his back. Straddle like ; and I intend in my present tour to di- saw there was but one way for it ; he deter- gress as often and as long as I please. If, mined to do the thing genteelly, to go to therefore, I choose to make a hop, skip, and smash like a hero, and dashed into the limits jump to China, or New-Holland, or Terra in high style, being the fifteenth gentleman I Incognita, or Communipaw, I can produce a have known to drive tandem to the ne plus host of examples to justify me, even in books

ultra—the d——1. that have been praised by the English re-

Unfortunate Straddle ! may thy fate be a viewers, whose fiat being all that is necessary warning to all young gentlemen who come to give books a currency in this country, I out from Birmingham to astonish the natives am determined, as soon as I finish my edition I should never have taken the trouble to de- of travels, in seventy -five volumes, to transmit

lineate his character, had he not been a genuine it forthwith to them for judgment. If these

cockney, and worthy to be the representative trans-atlantic censors praise it, I have no fear

of his numerous tribe. Perhaps my simple of its success in this country, where their ap-

countrymen may hereafter be able to distin- probation gives, like the Tower stamp, a fic- guish between the real English gentleman, titious value, and makes tinsel and wampum and individuals of the cast I have heretofore pass current for classic gold. spoken of, as mere mongrels, springing at one bound from contemptible obscurity at home, CHAP. I. to day-light and splendour in this good-na- Battery—flag-staff kept by Louis Keaffee tured land. The true born and true bred —Keaffee maintains two spy-glasses by sub-

Englishman is a character I hold in great re- scription—merchants pay two shillings a-year to look through them at the signal-poles on spect ; and I love to look back to the period when our forefathers flourished in the same Staten-Island ; a very pleasant prospect, but

generous soil, and hailed each other as bro- not so pleasant as that from the hill of Howth quere, ever been there ? Young seniors go thers. But the cockney ! —when I contemplate — him as springing too from the same source, down to the flag-staff to buy peanuts and I feel ashamed of the relationship, and am beer, after the fatigue of their morning stu- tempted to deny my origin. In the character dies, and sometimes to play at ball, or some

of Straddle is traced the complete outline of a other innocent amusement—digression to the true cockney, of English growth, and a de- Olympic and Isthmian games, with a de- scendant of that individual facetious charac- scription of the Isthmus of Corinth, and that

ter mentioned by Shakespeare, " who, in pure of Darien : to conclude with a dissertation on

Mildness to his horse, buttered his hay." the Indian custom of offering a whiff of to- bacco-smoke to their great spirit Areskou- —

SALMAGUNDI. 77

.Return to the battery; delightful place to turn up their noses if you ask them to walk indulge in the luxury of sentiment. How on the battery on Sunday—quere, have they various are the mutations of this world ! but scruples of conscience or scruples of delicacy ?

a few days, a few hours—at least not above —neither ; they have only scruples of gen- two hundred years ago, and this spot was in- tility, which are quite different things. habited by a race of aborigines, who dwelt in CHAP. bark huts, lived upon oysters and Indian II. *orn, danced buffalo dances and were lords Custom-house—origin of duties on mer- 'of the fowl and the brute;" but the spirit chandise—this place much frequented by

>f time, and the spirit of brandy, have swept merchants—and why?—different classes of merchants chem from their ancient inheritance : and as —importers—a kind of nobility- the white wave of the ocean, by its ever toil- wholesale merchants—have the privilege of ing assiduity, gains on the brown land, so the going to the city assembly ! —retail-traders white man, by slow and sure degrees, has cannot go to the assembly. Some curious :ained on the brown savage, and dispossessed speculations on the vast distinction betwixt im of the land of his forefathers. Conjec- selling tape by the piece or by the yard. ares on the first peopling of America—dif* Wholesale merchants look down upon the re- ,rent opinions on that subject—to the amount tailers, who in return look down upon the f near one hundred—opinion of Augustine green grocers, who look down upon the market 7orniel, that they are the descendants of women, who don't care a straw about any of -hem and Japhet, who came by the way of them. Origin of the distinction of ranks

apan to America—JufFridius Petri says they Dr. Johnson once horribly puzzled to settle ;ame from Friezeland—mem. cold journey. the point of precedence between a louse and a Alons. Charron says they are descended from flea—good hint to humble purse-proud arro- the Gauls—bitter enough. A. Milius from gance. Custom-house partly used as a lodg- the Celtic—Kircher from the Egyptians—Le ing-house for the pictures belonging to the Compte from the Phoenicians—Lescarbot from academy of arts—couldn't afford the statues the Car.aanites, alias the Anthropophagi— house-room—most of them in the cellar of Brerewood from the Tartars—Grotius from the city-hall—poor place for the gods and the Norwegians—and Linkum Pidelius has goddesses—after Olympus. Pensive reflec- written two folio volumes to prove that Ame- tions on the ups and downs of life—Apollo, rica was first of all peopled either by the An- and the rest of the set, used to cut a great tipodeans, or the Cornish miners, who, he figure in days of yore—Mem. every dog has maintains, might easily have made a subter- his day—sorry for Yenus though, poor wench j ranean passage to this country, particularly to be cooped up in a cellar with not a single the Antipodeans, who, he asserts, can get grace to wait on her ! Eulogy on the gen- along under ground as fast as mules—quere, tlemen of the academy of arts, for the great which of these is in the right, or are they all spirit with which they began the undertaking, wrong ? For my part, I don't see why Ame- and the perseverance with which they have rica has not as good a right to be peopled at pursued it. It is a pity, however, they began first, as any little contemptible country in at the wrong end—maxim, if you want a bird

Europe or of Asia ; and I am determined to and a cage, always buy the cage first—hem ! write a book at my first leisure, to prove that —a word to the wise !

Noah was born here ; and that so far is Ame- CHAP. III. rica from being indebted to any other country for inhabitants, that they were every one of Bowling-green—fine place for pasturing them peopled by colonies from her ! —Mem. cows—a perquisite of the late corporation; battery a very pleasant place to walk on a formerly ornamented with a statue of George

Sunday evening—not quite genteel though ; III. people pulled it down in the war to ; every body walks there, and a pleasure, how- make bullets—great pity, as it might have ever genuine, is spoiled by general participa- been given to the academy; it would have tion : the fashionable ladies of New-York become a cellar as well as any other. Broad- ; — J

7S SALMAGUNDI.

way great difference in the gentility ofstreets — CHAP. IV. a man who resides in Pearl-street, or Chat-

ham-row, derives no kind of dignity from his Barber's pole ! three different orders of

domicile, but place him in a certain part of shavers in New-York ; those who shave pigs ; Broadway—any where between the battery N. B. Freshmen and sophomores,—those who and "Wall-street, and he straightway becomes cut beards, and those who shave notes of

entitled to figure in the beau monde, and hand ; the last are the most respectable, be- cause, in the course of they strut as a person of prodigious consequence ! a year, make

Quere, whether there is a degree of purity in more money, and that honestly, than the the air of that quarter which changes the whole corps of other shavers can do in half

gross particles of vulgarity into gems of re- a century ; besides, it would puzzle a com- finement and polish ? A question to be mon barber to ruin any man, except by cut- asked, but not to be answered—Wall-street— ting his throat ; whereas your higher order City hall—famous places for catch-poles, de- of shavers, your true blood-suckers of the seated the curtain, puty sheriffs and young lawyers ; which last community, snugly behind attend the courts, not because they have busi- in watch for prey, live upon the vitals of the ness there, but because they have no business unfortunate, and grow rich on the ruin of any where else. My blood always curdles thousands—Yet this last class of barbers when I see a catch-pole, they being a species are held in high respect in the world ; they of vermin, who feed and fatten on the com- never offend against the decencies of life, go mon wretchedness of mankind, who trade in often to church, look down on honest poverty, misery, and in becoming the executioners of walking on foot, and call themselves gentle-

! Lottery offices the law, by their oppression and villany, men ; yea, men of honour

almost counterbalance all the benefits which —another set of capital shavers ! licensed

are derived from it3 salutary regulations. gambling.houses ! good things enough though, Story of Quevedo about a catch-pole possessed as they enable a few honest industrious gen- by a devil, who on being interrogated, de- tlemen to humbug the people—according to clared that he did not come there voluntarily, law ; besides, if the people will be such fools, whose fault is it but their own if they but by compulsion ; and that a decent devil would never of his own free will enter into get bit ? Messrs. Puff—beg pardon for put- ting them in such company, because they the body of a catch-pole ; instead, therefore, bad of doing him the injustice to say that here was are a couple of fine fellows—mem—to re-

a catch-pole be-deviled, they should say it commend Michael's antique snuff-box to all amateurs in the art. Eagle singing Yankey- was a devil be-catch-poled ; that being in reality the truth. Wonder what has become doodle—N. B. Buffon, Pennant, and the of the old crier of the court, who used to rest of the naturalists all naturals not to know

make more noise in preserving silence than the eagle was a singing bird ; Linkum Fide- lius better, and gives a long description the audience did in breaking it ; if a man knew happened to drop his cane, the old hero of a bald eagle that serenaded him once in

"• : of would sing out silence !" in a voice emu- Canada —digression ; particular account lating the " wide mouthed thunder." On the Canadian Indians ; — story about Areskou inquiry, found he had retired from business learning to make fishing nets of a spider to enjoy otium cum dignitate, as many a don't believe it though, because, according great man had done before. Strange that to Linkum, and many other learned authori- wise men, as they are thought, should toil ties', Areskou is the same as Mars, being through a whole existence merely to enjoy a derived from his Greek name of Ares ; and a net was few moments of leisure at last ! why don't if so he knew well enough what

they begin to be easy at first, and not pur- without consulting a spider : — story of chase a moment's pleasure with an age of Arachne being changed into a spider as a pain ?—mem. posed some of the jockeys, reward for having hanged herself ; —deriva- —eh! tion of the word spinster from spider :—Co- lophon, now Altobosco, the birth-place of ; ; ;

SALMAGUNDI. 79

Arachne, remarkable for a famous breed of porter-house—great haunt of Will Wizard. night sea-cap- spiders to this day ;—-rnem—nothing like a Will put down there one by a sera little scholarship— make the ignoramuses, tain, in an argument concerning the of viz. the majority of my readers, stare like the Chinese Empire Whangpo. Hogg's a capital place for hearing the stories, the wild pigeons ; return to New-York by a same short cut—meet a dashing belle, in a thick same jokes, and the same songs, every night white veil—tried to get a peep at her face in the year—mem. except Sunday nights fine for politicians, saw she squinted a little—thought so at first; school young too ; some never saw a face covered with a veil that was of the longest and thickest heads in the city worth looking at : saw some ladies holding a come there to settle the affairs of the nation. conversation across the street about going to Scheme of Ichabod Fungus to restore the church next Sunday — talked so loud they balance of Europe. Digression ; some ac- frightened a cartman's horse, who ran away, count of the balance of Europe ; comparison and overset a basket of gingerbread with a between it and a pair of scales, with the little boy under it ; —mem—I don't much Emperor Alexander in one and the Emperor see the use of speaking trumpets now-a- Napoleon in the other : fine fellows—both of days. a weight ; can't tell which will kick the

beam ; —mem. don't care much either—no- CHAP. V. thing to me. Ichabod very unhappy about

Bought a pair of gloves ; dry-good stores it ; thinks Napoleon has an eye on this coun- the genuine schools of politeness—true Pari- try : capital place to pasture his horses, and the sian manners there ; got a pair of gloves and provide for rest of his family. Dey- a pistareen's worth of bows for a dollar—dog street ; ancient Dutch name of it, signifying cheap ! Courtlandt-street corner — famous murderers'-valley, formerly the site of a great place to see the belles go by ; quere, ever peach orchard ; my grandmother's history of been shopping with a lady ? Some account the famous peach war ; arose from an Indian of it. Ladies go into all the shops in the stealing peaches out of this orchard—good city to buy a pair of gloves ; good way of cause as need be for a war ; just as good as spending time, if they have nothing else to the balance of power. Anecdote of a war do. Oswego market—looks very much like between two Italian states about a bucket a triumphal arch : some account of the man- introduce some capital new truisms about the ner of erecting them in ancient times : digres- folly of mankind, the ambition of kings, sion to the arch-duke Charles, and some ac- potentates, and princes— particularly Alex- count of the ancient Germans* N. B. Quote ander, Caesar, Charles XII., Napoleon, little, Tacitus on this subject. Particular descrip- king Pepin, and the great Charlemagne. tion of market-baskets, butchers' blocks, and Conclude with an exhortation to the present wheelbarrows ; mem. queer things run upon race of sovereigns to keep the king's peace one wheel ! Saw a cartman driving full-tilt and abstain from all those deadly quarrels through Broadway—run over a child ; good which produce battle, murder, and sudden enough for it—what business had it to be in death ; mem. ran my nose against a lamp- the way ? Hint concerning the laws against post—conclude in great dudgeon. pigs > goats, dogs, and cartmen ; grand apos- trophe to the sublime science of jurisprudence. —Comparison between legislators and tinkers: FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. quere, whether it requires greater ability to mend a law than to mend a kettle ? Inquiry Our cousin Pindar, after having been con- into the utility of making laws that are fined for some time past with a fit of the gout, broken a hundred times in a day with impu- which is a kind of keep-sake in our family, nity ; my Lord Coke's opinion on the sub- has again set his mill agoing, as my readers ject ; my lord a very great man—so was Lord will perceive. On reading his piece I could

Bacon : good story about a criminal named not help smiling at the high compliments Hog claiming relationship with him. Hogg's which, contrary to his usual style, he has. ; ; : ——; ; ;;

80 SALMAGUNDI. lavished on the dear sex. The old gentle- Which completer ti?e sweet fopling while yet in his teens man unfortunately observing my merriment, fits for And him Fashion's light changeable scenes ; of the room with great vocifera- stumped out Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, and has not three tion of crutch, exchanged Can he dance a cotillon or smoke a cigar ; words with me since. I expect every hour to And though brainless and vapid as vapid can be.

To routs and to parties pronounces him free : hear that he has packed up his moveables, O ! I think on the beaux that existed of yore, and, as usual in all cases of disgust, retreat- On those rules of the ton that exist now no more ! ed to his old country house, I recall with delight how each younker at first Pindar, like most of the old Cockloft he- In the cradle of science and virtue was nurs'd; roes, is wonderfully susceptible to the genial How the graces of person and graces of mind, The polish of learning and fashion combined, influence of warm weather. In winter he is Till softened in manners and strengthened in head. one of the most crusty old bachelors under By the classical lore of the living and dead, heaven, and is wickedly addicted to sarcastic Matured in his person till manly in size,

He then was presented a beau to our eyes ! reflections of every kind, particularly on the My nieces of late have made frequent complaint little enchanting foibles and whim-whams of That they suffer vexation and painful constraint, women. But when the spring comes on, and By having their circles too often distrest the mild influence of the sun releases nature By some three or four goslings just fledged frcin the from her icy fetters, the ice of his bosom dis- nest, Who propp'd by the credit their fathers sustain, solves into a gentle current, which reflects Alike tender in years and in person and brain, the bewitching qualities of the fair ; as in But plenteously stock'd with that substitute brass, some mild, clear evening, when nature re- For true wits and critics would anxiously pass. poses in silence, the stream bears in its pure They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, So common to all the coxcombical gang, bosom all the starry magnificence of heaven. Who the fair with their shallow experience vex, It is the control of this influence under he By thrumming for ever their weakness of sex

has written his piece ; and I beg the ladies, And who boast of themselves, when they talk with in the plenitude of their harmless conceit, proud air, Of Man's mental ascendancy over the fair. not to flatter themselves that because the •Twas thus the young owlet produced in the nest, good Pindar has suffered them to escape his Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had press 'd, censures he had nothing more to censure. It Pretended to boast of his royal descent,

is but sunshine, and zephyrs, which have And vaunted that force which to eagles is lent. wrought this wonderful change; and I am Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray The cheering delights and the brilliance of day, much mistaken, if the first north-easter, don't To forsake the fair regions of ether and light, all into convert his good nature most exqui- For dull moping caverns of darkness and night

site spleen. Still talk'd of that eagle-like strength of the eye, - Which approaches, unwinking, the pride of the sky Of that wing which, unwearied, can hover and play In the noon-tide effulgence and torrent of day. FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT Esq. Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain, Your sex must endure from the feeble and vain. How often I cast my reflections behind, 'Tis the common-place jest of the nursery scape-goat And eall up the days of pasr youth to my mind! *Tis the common-place ballad that croaks from his When folly assails in habiliments new, throat When fashion obtrudes some fresh whim-wham to He knows not that nature—that polish decrees, view That women should always endeavour to please When the foplings of fashion bedazzled my sight, That the law of their system has early imprest Bewilder my feelings-^my senses benight

The importance of fitting themselves to each guest ; , I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day, And, of course, that full oft when ye trifle and play, , To eommune with the world that has moulder'd away ;

'Tis to gratify triflers who strut in your way. . To converse with the shades of those friends, of my The child might as well of its mother complain. love, As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain, Long gather 'd in peace to the angels above. Because that, at times, while 'it hangs on her breast. In my rambles through life, should I meet with " annoy She with luUa-by-baby" beguiles it to rest, 'Tis its induces the From the bold beardless stripling—the turbid pert weakness of mind that strain boy; For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain.

One rear'd in the mode lately reckon 'd genteel, 'Tis true, at odd times, when in frolicksome fit,

Which neglecting the head, aims to perfect the heel j In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit : :! ; ;

SALMAGUNDI. Si

May start some light foible that clings to the fair, pull out his enormous tobxcco box, drum for rare cobwebs that fasten to objects most ; Like a moment upon its lid with his knuckles, and In the play of his fancy will sportively say then return it into his pocket without taking Some delicate censure that pops in his way a quid. 'Twas evident He may smile at your fashions, and frankly express Will was full of some flaming dress His dislike of a dance, or a red ; mighty idea—not that his restlessness was Yet he blames not your want of man's physical force, any way uncommon ; for I have often seen Nor complains though ye cannot in Latin discourse Will throw himself almost into a fever of He delights in the language of nature ye speak, heat and fatigue—doing nothing. Though not so refined as true classical Greek. But his He remembers that providence never design 'd inflexible taciturnity set the whole family, as blind Our females like suns to bewilder and ; usual, a-wondering, as Will seldom enters But like the mild orb of pale evening serene, the house without giving one of his " one Whose radiance illumines, yet softens the scene, thousand and one" stories. For my part, To light us with cheering and welcoming ray, I Along the rude path when the sun is away. began to think that the late fracas at Canton

I own in my scribblings I lately have named had alarmed Will for the sake of his friends, Some faults of our fair which I gently have blamed Kinglun, Chinqua, and Consequa—or that But be it for ever by all understood, something had gone wrong in the alterations My censures were only pronounced for their good. of the theatre—or that some new outrage at I delight in the sex— 'tis the pride of my mind

Norfolk had put in ; To consider them gentle, endearing, refin'd ; him a worry in short, I solace below in the journey of life, As our did not know what to think ; for Will is To smooth its rough passes, to soften its strife; such a universal busy-body, and meddles so As objects intended our joys to supply, much in every thing going forward, that And to lead us in love to the temples on high. you How oft have I felt, when two lucid blue eyes, might as well attempt to conjecture what is As calm and as bright as the gems of the skies, going on in the North Star as in his precious Have beam'd their soft radiance into my soul, pericranium. Even Mrs. Cockloft, who like Impress'd with an awe like an angel's control a worthy woman as she is, seldom troubles Yes, fair ones, by this is for ever defin'd herself about any thing in this world, saving The fop from the man of refinement and mind the affairs The latter believes ye in bounty were given of her household, and the correct deportment As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven ; of her female friends, was struck And if ye are weak, are frail, in his and view, with the mystery of Will's behaviour. She 'Tis to call forth fresh warmth and his fondness renew. happened, when he came in and went out •Tis his joy to support these defects of your frame, the tenth time, And his love at your weakness redoubles its flame to be busy darning the bottom rejoices the is so rich and so fair. of one of the He gem old red damask chairs ; and And is proud that it claims his protection and care. notwithstanding this is to her an affair of vast importance, yet she could not help turning round and exclaiming, " I wonder what can No. 13. be the matter with Mr. Wizard !" " No- FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. thing," replied old Christopher, " only we shall have an FROM MY EI.BOW-CHAIR. eruption soon.''—The old lady did not understand a word of this, neither did I was not a little perplexed, a short time she care : she had expressed her wonder ; and since, by the eccentric conduct of my knowing that, with her, is always sufficient. coadjutor, Will Wizard. For two or three I am so well acquainted with Will's pecu- days he was completely in a quandary. He liarities, that I can tell, even by his whistle, would come into old Cockloft's parlour ten when he is about an essay for our paper as times a day, swinging his ponderous legs certainly as a weather wise-acre knows that it along with his usual vast strides, clap is his going to rain when he sees a pig run hands into his sides, contemplate the little squeaking about with his nose in the wind. shepherdesses on the mantle-piece for a few I, therefore, laid my account with receiving minutes, whistling all the while, and then a communication from him before long ; and sally out full sweep, without uttering a word. sure enough, the evening before last I dis- To be sure a pish or a pshaw occasionally tinguished his free-mason knock at my door. escaped him ; and he was observed once to I have seen many wise men in my time, phi- G 6 !- — ; —

OJ SALMAGUNDI. losophers, mathematicians, astronomers, poli« the room pulling up his breeches, muttering ticians, editors, and almanack-makers—but something which, I verily believe, was nothing never did I see a man look half as wise as more nor less than a horribly long Chinese did my friend Wizard on entering the room. malediction.

Had Lavater beheld him at that moment, he He, however, left his manuscript behind would have set him down, to a certainty, as him, which I now give to the world. Whe- a fellow who had just discovered the longi- ther he is serious on the occasion, or only

tude or the philosopher's stone. bantering, no one, I believe, can tell; for,

Without saying a word, he handed me a whether in speaking or writing, there is such roll of paper; after which he lighted his an invincible gravity in his demeanour and cigar, sat down, crossed his legs, folded his style, that even I, who have studied him as arms, and, elevating his nose to an angle cf closely as an antiquarian studies an old about forty-five degrees, began to smoke like manuscript or inscription, am frequently at a

a steam-engine. Will delights in the pic- loss to know what the rogue would be at. I turesque. On opening his budget, and per- have seen him indulge in his favourite amuse- ceiving the motto, it struck me that Will had ment of quizzing for hours together, without brought me one of his confounded Chinese any one having the least suspicion of the

manuscripts, and I was going to dimiss it matter, until he would suddenly twist his phiz

with indignation ; but accidentally seeing the into an expression that baffles all description, name of our oracle, the sage Linkum, of thrust his tongue in his cheek, and blow up whose inestimable folios we pride ourselves into a laugh almost as loud as the shout of upon being the sole possessors, I began to the Romans on a certain occasion, which ho-

think the better of it, and looked round at nest Plutarch avers frightened several crows

Will to express my approbation. I shall to such a degree that they fell down stone never forget the figure he cut at that moment dead into the Campus Martius. Jeremy He had watched my countenance, on opening Cockloft, the younger, who like a true modern his manuscript, with the Argus eyes of an philosopher, delights in experiments that are

author ; and perceiving some tokens of dis- of no kind of use, took the trouble to measure

approbation, began, according to custom, to one of Will's risible explosions, and declared puff away at his cigar with such vigour, that to me that, according to accurate measure- in a few minutes he had entirely involved ment, it contained thirty feet square of solid himself in smoke, except his nose and one laughter. What will the professors say to foot which were just visible, the latter wagging this? with great velocity. I believe I have hinted before—at least I ought to have done so— that Will's nose is a very goodly nose PLANS FOR DEFENDING OUR ; to HARBOUR. which it may be as well to add, that in his

voyages under the tropics it had acquired a BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ.

copper complexion, which renders it very bril- Long-fong teko buzz tor-pe-do, Confucius. liant and luminous. You may imagine what Fudge

a sumptuous appearance it made, projecting We'll blow the villains all sky high But do it with econo— Link. Fid. boldly, like the celebrated promontorium nasi- my.

dium at Samos with a light-house upon it, Surely never was a town more subject to and surrounded on all sides with smoke and midsummer fancies and dog-day whim- vapour. Had my gravity been like the Chi- whams, than this most excellent of cities. nese philosopher's, " within one degree of Our notions, like our diseases, seem all epi-

absolute frigidity," here would have been a demic ; and no sooner does a new disorder or

trial for it. I could not stand it, but burst a new freak seize one individual, but it is into such a laugh as I do not indulge in above sure to run through all the community. once in a hundred years. This was too much This is particularly the case when the summer

for Will ; he emerged from his cloud, threw is at the hottest, and every body's head is in a

his cigar into the fire-place, and strode out of vertigo, and his brain in a ferment ; 'tis ab- ;

SALMAGUNDI. ?3 solutely necessary, then, the poor souls should A day was appointed for the occasion, when have some bubble to amuse themselves with, all the good citizens of the wonder-loving or they would certainly run mad. Last year city of Gotham were invited to the blowing-

the poplar worm made its appearance most up ; like the fat inn-keeper in Rabelais, who

fortunately for our citizens ; and every body requested all his customers to come on a cer- was so much in horror of being poisoned, tain day and see him burst. and devoured, and so busied in making As I have almost as great a veneration as humane experiments on cats and dogs, that the good Mr. Walter Shandy for all kinds of we got through the summer quite comfort- experiments that are ingeniously ridiculous,

ably : the cats had the worst of it—every I made very particular mention of the one in mouser of them was shaved, and there was question, at the table of my friend Christopher

not a whisker to be seen in the whole sister- Cockloft; but it put the honest old gentleman

hood. This summer every body has had full in a violent passion. He condemned it in employment in planning fortifications for our toto, as an attempt to introduce a dastardly harbour. Not a cobbler or tailor in the city and exterminating mode of warfare. " Al- but has left his awl and his thimble, become ready have we proceeded far enough," said

an engineer outright, and aspired most mag- he, " in the science of destruction ; war is nanimously to the building of forts and de- already invested with sufficient horrors and ca-

struction of navies. Heavens ! as my friend lamities, let us not increase the catalogue ; let Mustapha would say, on what a great scale us not by these deadly artifices provoke a system

is every thing in this country ! of insidious and indiscriminate hostility, that Among the various plans that have been shall terminate in laying our cities desolate,

offered, the most conspicuous is one devised and exposing our women, our children, and and exhibited, as I am informed, by that our infirm, to the sword of pitiless recrimina-

notable confederacy the North River Society. tion." Honest old cavalier !—it was evident

Anxious to redeem their reputation from he did not reason as a true politician ; but he

the foul suspicions that have for a long time felt as a christian and philanthropist ; and

overclouded it, these aquatic incendiaries have that was, perhaps, just as well. come forward, at the present alarming junc- It may be readily supposed, that our citi- ture, and announced a most potent discovery, zens did not refuse the invitation of the society

which is to guarantee our port from the to the blow-up ; it was the first naval action visits of any foreign marauders. The Society ever exhibited in our port, and the good

have, it seems, invented a cunning machine, people all crowded to see the British navy

shrewdly ycleped a Torpedo ; by which the blown up in effigy. The young ladies were stoutest line-ot-battleship, even a Santissima delighted with the novelty of the show, and

Trinidada, may be caught napping, and declared that if war could be conducted in

decomposed in a twinkling ; a kind of sub- this manner, it would become a fashionable

marine powder-magazine to swim under amusement ; and the destruction of a fleet water, like an aquatic mole, or water rat, and be as pleasant as a ball or a tea party. The destroy the enemy in the moment of unsuspi- old folk were equally pleased with the spec-

cious security. tacle because it cost them nothing. Dear

This straw tickled the noses of all our dig- souls, how hard it was that they should be

nitaries wonderfully ; for to do our govern- disappointed ! the brig most obstinately re-

ment justice, it has no objection to injuring fused to be decomposed ;—the dinners grew

and exterminating its enemies in any manner cold, and the puddings were overboiled, provided the thing can be done economically. throughout the renowned city of Gotham

It was determined the experiment should and its sapient Inhabitants, like the honest be tried, and an old brig was purchased, for Strasburghers, from whom most of them are

not more than twice its value, and delivered doubtless descended, who went out to see the

over into the hands of its tormentors, the courteous stranger and his nose, all returned North River Society, to be tortured, and home, after having threatened to pull down battered, and annihilated, secundum artem. the flag staff by way of taking satisfaction G 2 —;

Si SALMAGUNDI.

for their disappointment. By the way, there triumphantly ! " got an excellent notion for

is not an animal in the world more discrimi- that ; do with them as we have done with the

nating in its vengeance than a free-born brig ; buy all the vessels we mean to destroy, mob. and blow them up as best suits our conveni- In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's, ence. I have thought deeply on that subject,

to smoke a sociable cigar, but had scarcely and have calculated to a certainty, that if our entered the room, when I was taken prisoner funds hold out, we may in this way destroy the whole by my friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus : who I British navy—by contract. soon saw was at his usual trade of prying into By this time all the quidnuncs of the mill stones. The old gentleman informed room had gathered around us, each pregnant me that the brig had actually blown up, after with some mighty scheme for the salvation of a world of manoeuvring, and had nearly blown his country. One pathetically lamented that had up the society with it ; he seemed to entertain we no such men among us as the famous strong doubts as to the objects of the society Toujoursdort and Grossitout, who, when the

•in the invention of these infernal machines celebrated Captain Tranchemont made war hinted a suspicion of their wishing to set the against the city of Kalacahabalaba, utterly

river on fire, and that he should not be sur- discomfited the great King Bigstaff, and blew prized on waking one of these mornings to up his whole army by sneezing. Another find the Hudson in a blaze. " Not that I imparted a sage idea, which seems to have

disapprove of the plan," said he, " provided occupied more heads than one ; that is, that

it has the end in view which they profess the best way of fortifying the harbour was to

no, no, an excellent plan of defence;—no ruin it at once ; choak the channel with rocks

need of batteries, forts, frigates, and gun- and blocks ; strew it with chevaujc-de-frises

boats; observe, sir, all that's necessary is and torpedos ; and make it like a nursery that the ships must come to anchor in a con- garden, full of men traps and spring-guns.

venient place ; watch must be asleep, or so No vessel would then have the temerity to complacent as not to disturb any boats pad- enter our harbour ; we should not even dare dling about them—fair wind and tide—no to navigate it ourselves. Or if no cheaper moonlight—machines well directed—mustn't way could be devised, let Governor's Island flash in the pan—bang's the word, and the be raised by levers and pulleys, floated with vessels blown up in a moment !"_" Good," empty casks, &c, towed down to the Narrows, said I, " you remind me of a lubberly Chinese and dropped— plump in the very mouth of the who was flogged by an honest Captain of my harbour ! " But," said I, " would not the acquaintance, and who,— on being advised to prosecution of these whim-whams— be rather retaliate, exclaimed " Hi yah ! spose two expensive and dilatory?" " Pshaw!" cried men hold fast him Captain, den very mush the other—" what's a million of money to an !" me bamboo he experiment ? the true spirit of our economy

The old gentleman grew a little crusty, requires that we should spare no expense in insisted that discovering the of and I did not understand him ; cheapest mode defending —all that was requisite to render the effect oui selves; and then if all these modes should certain was, that the enemy should enter into fail, why you know the worst we have to do

the project ; or, in other words, be agreeable is to return to the old faslfioned hum-drum

<* to the measure ; so that if the machine did mode of forts and batteries." By which not come to the ship, the ship should go to time," cried I, " the arrival of the enemy the machine; by which means he thought may have rendered their erection "superflu- the success of the machine would be inevit- ous." " able—provided it struck fire. But do not A shrewd old gentleman, who stood listen- you think," said I, doubtingly, " that it ing by with a mischievously equivocal look, would be rather difficult to persuade the observed that the most affectual mode of re- enemy into such an agreement ?—some people pulsing a fleet from our ports would be to ad- have an invincible antipathy to being blown minister them a proclamation from time to up."—." Not at all, not at all," replied he, time, till it operated. ; ;

SALMAGUNDI.

Unwilling to leave the company without instead of throwing shells and such trifles, demonstrating my patriotism and ingenuity, might be charged with newspapers, Tam-

I communicated a plan of defence ; which in many addresses, &c. by way of red-hot shot, truth was suggested long since by that infal- which would undoubtedly be very potent in

lible oracle Mustapha, who had as clear a blowing up any powder magazine they might head for cobweb weaving as ever dignified the chance to come in contact with. He concluded shoulders of a projector. He thought the by informing the company,, that in the course most effectual mode would be to assemble all of a few evenings he would have the honour the slang-whangers, great and small, from to present them with a scheme for loading all parts of the state, and marshal them at certain vessels with newspapers, resolutions

the battery ; where they should be exposed of " numerous and respectable meetings," point blank to the enemy, and form a tre- and other combustibles, which vessels were

mendous body of scolding infantry ; similar to be blown directly in the midst of the to the poissards or doughty champions of enemy by the bellows of the slang-whangers Billingsgate. They should be exhorted to and he was much mistaken if they would

fire away, without pity or remorse, in sheets, not be more fatal than fire ships, bomb- half-sheets, columns, hand-bills, or squibs ketches, gun-boats, or even torpedoes. great eanon, little canon, pica, german-text, These are but two or three -specimens of stereotype, and- to run their enemies through the nature and efficacy of the innumerable with sharp pointed italics. They should plans with which this city abounds. Every have orders to show no quarter—to blaze away body seems charged to the muzzle with gun- in their loudest epithets—" Miscreants /" powder, every eye flashes fire-works and tor-

" Murderers /" " Barbarians /" " Pi- pedoes, and every corner is occupied by knots .'" !" rates " Robbers /" " Blackguards of inflammatory projectors ; not one of whom and, to do away all fear of consequences, but has some preposterous mode of destruc- they should be guaranteed from all dangers tion, which he has proved to be infallible by

of pillory, kicking, cuffing, nose-pulling, a previous experiment in a tub of water !

whipping-post, or prosecution for libels. If, Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the in- continued Mustapha, you wish men to fight fection, to the great annoyance of the inha- well and valiantly, they must be allowed bitants of Cockloft-hall, whither he had re- those weapons they have been used to handle. tired to make his experiments undisturbed. Your countrymen are notoriously adroit in At one time all the mirrors in the house were the management of the tongue and the pen, unhung,— their collected rays thrown into and conduct all their battles by speeches or the hot-house, to try Archimedes' plan of newspapers. Adopt, therefore, the plan I burning-glasses ; and the honest old gardener have pointed out ; and rely upon it that let was almost knocked down by what he mis- any fleet, however large, be but once assail- took for a stroke of the sun, but which turn- ed by this battery of slang-whangers, and if ed out to be nothing more than a sudden at- they have not entirely lost their sense of hear- tack of one of these tremendous jack-o'-lan- ing, or a regard for their own characters and terns. It became dangerous to walk through feelings, they will, at the very first fire, slip the court-yard for fear of an explosion : and their cables, and retreat with as much preci- the whole family was thrown into absolute pitation as if they had unwarily entered into distress and consternation by a letter from the the atmosphere of the Bohan upas. In this old housekeeper to Mrs. Cockloft, informing manner may your wars be conducted with her of his having blown up a favourite Chi-

proper economy ; and it will cost no more to nese gander, which I had brought from Can-

drive off a fleet than to write up a party, or ton, as he was majestically sailing in the

write down a Bashaw of three tails. duck-pond. The sly old gentleman I have before men- " In the multitude of counsellors there is ;" if tioned, was highly delighted with this plan ; safety so, the defenceless city of Go-

and proposed, as an improvement, that mor- tham has nothing to apprehend ; but much tars should be placed on the battery, which, do I fear that so many excellent and infallible G 3 :

8(5 SALMAGUNDI projects will be presented, that we shall be at intended to prove that this, of all others, is a loss which to adopt, and the peaceable in- the most auspicious moment, and my present habitants fare like a famous projector of my the most favourable mood, for indulging in a acquaintance, whose house was unfortunately retrospect—Whether, like certain great per- plundered while he was contriving a patent sonages of the day, in attempting to prove lock to secure his door. one thing, I have exposed another ; or whether, like certain other great personages, in attempting to prove a great deal, I have FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. proved nothing at all, I leave to my readers to decide A RETROSPECT ; provided they have the power and inclination so to do; but a retrospect OR, " WHAT YOU WILL." will I take notwithstanding. I am perfectly aware that in doing this I Lolling in my elbow-chair this fine sum- shall lay myself open to the charge of mer noon, I feel myself insensibly yielding imita- tion, than which to that genial feeling of indolence the season a man might be better ac- cused of downright is so well fitted to inspire. Every one, who housebreaking; for it has been a standing rule with is blessed with a little of the delicious lan- many of my illustrious predecessors, guor of disposition that delights in repose, occasionally, and particularly at the conclusion of a volume, to must often have sported among the faery look over their shoulder and chuckle at the scenes, the golden visions, the voluptuous miracles they had achieved. But as I before reveries, that swim before the imagination at professed, I determined to hold myself such moments, and which so much resemble am entirely independent of all manner of opi- those blissful sensations a Mussulman enjoys nions and criticisms, as the only after his favourite indulgence of opium, method of which Will Wizard declares can be compared getting on in this world in any thing like a straight line. True it is, I sometimes to nothing but " swimming in an ocean of may seem to angle a little for the good opinion peacocks' feathers." In such a mood, every of mankind, by giving them some excellent rea- body must be sensible it would be idle and sons for doing unreasonable things but this unprofitable for a man to send his wits a ; is merely to show them that although I may gadding on a voyage of discovery into futu- occasionally go wrong it is not for want of rity ; or even to trouble himself with a labo- knowing how to go right ; and here I will lay rious investigation of what is actually passing down a maxim, which will for ever entitle under his eye. We are, at such times, more me to the gratitude of my inexperienced disposed to resort to the pleasures of memory, readers, namely, that a man always gets than to those of the imagination ; and like credit in the eyes of this naughty world the way-faring traveller, reclining for a mo- more for sinning wilfully, than for sinning through ment on his staff, had rather contemplate the sheer ignorance. ground we have travelled, than the region It will doubtless be insisted by many in- which is yet before us. genious cavillers, who will be meddling with I could here amuse myself and stultify my does not at all concern them, that this readers with a most elaborate and ingenious what retrospect should have been taken at the com- parallel between authors and travellers ; but mencement of our second volume ; * it is in this balmy season which makes men stupid

usual, I know : moreover it is natural. So and dogs mad, and when doubtless many of soon as a writer has once accomplished a vo- our most strenuous admirers have great diffi- lume, he forthwith becomes wonderfully in- culty in keeping awake through the day, it

creased in altitude ! He steps upon his book would be cruel to saddle them with the for- as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in propor- midable difficulty of putting two ideas to- tion to its magnitude. A duodecimo makes gether and drawing a conclusion ; or in the one inch taller an octavo, three inches learned phrase, forging syllogisms in Baroco him ; ;

terrible undertaking for the dog days ! —a * In the American editions the first Volume termi- To say the truth, my observations were only nates with the 10th Number.—Edit. SALMAGUNDI. 87

to ognomy, as taken by Will Wizard, be as a quarto six : —but he who has made out swell a folio, looks down upon his fellow- notorious as that of Noah Webster, jun. Esq. creatures from such a fearful height that, or his no less renowned predecessor the illus- ten to one, the poor man's head is turned for trious Dilworth, of spelling-book immor- ever afterwards. From such a lofty situa- tality. But, well-a-day ! to let my readers tion, therefore, it is natural an author should into a profound secret, the expectations of cast his eyes behind ; and having reached man are like the varied hues that tinge the the first landing-place on the stairs of im- distant prospect—never to be realized—never mortality, may reasonably be allowed to plead to be enjoyed but in perspective. Luckless his privilege to look back over the height he Launcelot ! that the humblest of the many has ascended. I have deviated a little from air castles thou hast erected should prove a this venerable custom, merely that our retro- " baseless fabric !" Much does it grieve me spect might fall in the dog days—of all days to confess, that after all our lectures, precepts, in the year most congenial to the indulgence and excellent admonitions, the people of of a little self-sufficiency ; inasmuch as peo- New York are nearly as much given to back- ple have then little to do but to retire within sliding and ill-nature as ever ; they are just the sphere of self, and make the most of as much abandoned to dancing and tea- what they find there. drinking; and as to scandal, Will Wizard

Let it not be supposed, however, that we informs me that, by a rough computation, think ourselves a whit the wiser or better since since the last cargo of gunpowder-tea from we have finished our volume than we were Canton arrived, no less than eighteen cha- before ; on the contrary, we seriously assure racters have been blown up, besides a num- our readers that we were fully possessed of all ber of others that have been wofully shat- the wisdom and morality it contains at the tered. moment we commenced writing. It is the The ladies still labour under the same world which has grown wiser,—not us ; we scarcity of muslins, and delight in flesh- have thrown our mite into the common stock coloured silk stockings : it is evident, how- of knowledge, we have shared our morsel ever, that our advice has had very considera- with the ignorant multitude ; and so far from ble effect on them, as they endeavour to act elevating ourselves above the world, our sole as opposite to it as possible—this being what endeavour has been to raise the world to our Evergreen calls female independence. As to own level, and make it as wise as we its dis- the Straddles, they abound as much as ever interested benefactors. in Broadway, particularly on Sundays ; and To a moral writer like myself, who, next Wizard roundly asserts that he supped in to his own comfort and entertainment, has company with a knot of them a few evenings the good of his fellow-citizens at heart, a re- since, when they liquidated a whole Bir- trospect is but a sorry amusement. Like mingham consignment in a batch of imperial the industrious husbandman, he often con- champagne. I have, furthermore, in the templates in silent disappointment his labours course of a month past, detected no less than

wasted on a barren soil, or the seed he has three Giblet familes making their first onset carefully sown choked by a redundancy of towards style and gentility, in the very man- worthless weeds. I expected long ere this to ner we have heretofore reprobated. Nor have have seen a complete reformation in manners our utmost efforts been able to check the and morals, achieved by our united efforts. progress of that alarming epidemic, the rage My fancy echoed to the applauding voices of for punning, which, though doubtless origi-

a retrieved generation ; —I anticipated, with nally intended merely to ornament and enliven proud satisfaction, the period not far distant, conversation by little sports of fancy, threatens when our work would be introduced into the to overrun and poison the whole, like the academies with which every lane and alley in baneful ivy which destroys the useful plant our cities abounds—when our precepts would it first embellished. Now I look upon an be gently inducted into every unlucky urchin habitual punster as a depredator upon conver-

by force of birch— and my iron-bound physi- sation ; and I have remarked sometimes one ;

SALMAGUNDI.

of these offenders sitting silent on the watch found censures of the sage Mustapha, in his for an hour together, until some luckless various letters—they will talk!—they will wight, unfortunately for the ease and quiet of still wag their tongues, and chatter like very

the company, dropped a phrase susceptible slang-whangers ! This is a degree of obsti- of a double meaning—when, pop, our punster nacy incomprehensible in the extreme, and is would dart out like a veteran mouser from another proof how alarming is the force of her covert, seize the unlucky word, and after habit, and how difficult it is to reduce beings,

worrying and mumbling at it until it was accustomed to talk, to that state of silence capable of no further marring, relapse again which is the very acme of human wisdom.

into silent watchfulness, and lie in wait for We can only account for these disappoint- another opportunity. Even this might be ments, in our moderate and reasonable ex- pectations, by supposing the world so deeply borne with, by the head of a little philosophy ;

but the worst of it is, they are not content to sunk in the mire of delinquency, that not manufacture puns and laugh heartily at them even Hercules, were he to put his shoulder themselves, but they expect we should laugh to the axletree, would be able to extricate it. with them—which I consider as anlntolerable We comfort ourselves, however, by tne re- hardship, and a flagrant imposition on good flection that there are at least three good men nature. Let these gentlemen fritter away left in this degenerate age, to benefit the conversation with impunity, and deal out world by example should precept ultimately

their wits in sixpenny bits if they please, but fail. And borrowing, for once, an example I beg I may have the choice of refusing cur- from certain sleepy writers, who, after the rency to their small change. I am seriously first emotions of surprise at finding their

afraid, however, that our junto is not quite invaluable effusions neglected or despised,

console themselves with the idea that 'tis free from the infection ; nay, that it has even a approached so near as to menace the tran- stupid age and look forward to posterity for quillity of my elbow-chair; for, Will redress—we bequeath our first volume to Wizard, as we were in caucus the other night, future generations—and much good may it absolutely electrified Pindar and myself with do them. Heaven grant they may be able to

a most palpable and perplexing pun—had it read it ! for, if our fashionable mode of been a torpedo, it could not have more dis- education continues to improve, as of late, composed the fraternity. Sentence of banish- I am under serious apprehensions that the period is not far distant when the ment was unanimously decreed ; but on his discipline confessing that, like many celebrated wits, he of the dancing master will supersede that of was merely retailing other men's wares on the grammarian—crotchets and quavers sup- Commission, he was for that once forgiven, on plant the alphabet—and the heels, by an condition of refraining from such diabolical antipodean manoeuvre, obtain entire pre-

practices in future. Pindar is particularly eminence over the head. How does my

outrageous against punsters ; and quite as- heart yearn for poor dear posterity, when this tonished and put me to a nonplus a day or work shall become as unintelligible to our two since, by asking abruptly " whether I grandchildren as it seems to be to their grand- thought a punster could be a good christian ?" fathers and grandmothers. He followed up his question triumphantly, In fact, for I love to be candid, we begin by offering to prove, by sound logic and to suspect that many people read our num.

historical fact, that the Roman empire owed bers, merely for their amusement, without

its decline and fall to a pun, and that nothing paying any attention to the serious truths tended so much to demoralize the French conveyed in every page. Unpardonable want

nation as their abominable rage for jeux de of penetration ! not that we wish to restrict mots. our readers in the article of laughing—which But what, above every thing else, has we consider as one of the dearest prerogatives caused me much vexation of spirit, and dis- of man, and the distinguishing characteristic pleased me most with this stiff-necked nation which raises him above all other animals

js, that in spite of all the serious and pro- let them laugh therefore if they will, provided SALMAGUNDI. sy

they profit at the same time, and do not the point of changing his lodgings, or capitu- mistake our object. It is one of our indis* lating, until the appearance of our ninth putable facts, that it is easier to laugh ten number, which he immediately sent over

follies out of countenance, than to coax, rea- with his compliments—the good ladies took son, or flog a man out of one. In this odd, the hint, and have scarcely appeared at their singular, and indescribable age, which is window since. As to the wooden gentlemen, neither the age of gold, silver, iron, brass, our friend Miss Sparkle assures me, they are chivalry, or pills, as Sir John Carr asserts, wonderfully improved by our criticisms, and a grave writer who attempts to attack folly sometimes venture to make a remark, or with the heavy artillery of moral reasoning, attempt a pun in company, to the great edifi- will fare like Smollet's honest pedant, who cation of all who happen to understand them. clearly demonstrated by angels, &c. after the As to red shawls, they are entirely discarded manner of Euclid, that it was wrong to do from the fair shoulders of our ladies, ever evil, and was laughed at for his pains. Take since the last importation of finery ; nor has any lady, since the cold my word for it, a little well-applied ridicule, weather, ventured to like Hannibal's application of vinegar to expose her elbows to the admiring gaze o* rocks, will do more with certain hard heads scrutinizing passengers. But there is one and obdurate hearts than all the logic or victory we have achieved, which has given us demonstrations in Longinus or Euclid. But more pleasure than to have written down the whole administration: I am assured, from the people of Gotham, wise souls ! are so unquestionable authority, that much accustomed to see morality approach our young them, clothed in formidable wigs and sable ladies, doubtless in consequence of our weighty garbs, " with leaden eye that loves the admonitions, have not once indulged in that ground," that they can never recognise her intoxicating inflammatory, and whirli- gig the when, drest in gay attire, she comes tripping dance, waltz, ever since hot weather towards them with smiles and sunshine in commenced. True it is, I understand, an her countenance. Well, let the rogues re- attempt was made to exhibit it, by some of the sable fair main in happy ignorance, for " ignorance is ones, at the last African ball, but it was highly disapproved of by all the bliss," as the poet says ; and I put as implicit faith in poetry as I do in the almanack or the respectable elderly ladies present. newspaper. We will improve them without These are sweet sources of comfort to atone

their being the wiser for it, and they shall for the many wrongs and misrepresentations become better in spite of their teeth, and heaped upon us by the world, for even wq without their having the least suspicion of have experienced its ilLnature. How often the reformation working within them. have we heard ourselves reproached for the

Among all our manifold grievances, how- insidious applications of the uncharitable !—,.

ever, still some small but vivid rays of sun- how often have we been accused of emotions shine occasionally brighten along our path, which never found an entrance into our bo-,

cheering our steps, and inviting us to per- soms ! —how often have our sportive effusions severe. been wrested to serve the purposes of parti* The public have paid some little regard to cular enmity and bitterness ! Meddlesome our dispositions a few articles of our advice—they have pur- spirits ; little do they know $ " lack gall " to wouhd the feelings of a chased our numbers freely ; so much the we we can even for, better for our publisher—they have read them single innocent individual— give them from the very bottom of our souls attentively ; so much the better for them- j as forgiveness from selves. The melancholy fate of my dear may they meet ready a

their own consciences ! Like true and inde- aunt Charity has had a wonderful effect ; and having no domestic cares I have now before me a letter from a gentle- pendent bachelors, with our general benevolence, we man who lives opposite to a couple of old to interfere us to watcli over ladies, remarkable for the interest they took consider it incumbent upon

the welfare of society ; and although we are in his affairs ; his apartments were abso- else than IcfW iutely in a state of blockade, and he was on indebted to the world for little !

no SALMAGUNDI.

handed favours, yet we feel a proud satisfac- mediately called Jeremy to an account ; when tion in requiting evil with good, and the sneer he proved, by the dedication of the work in of illiberality with the unfeigned smile of question, that it was first published in Lon- good-humour. With these mingled motives don in March, 1807, and that his " Stranger of selfishness and philanthropy we com- in New Jersey" had made its appearance on menced our work, and if we cannot solace the 24th of the preceding February. ourselves with the consciousness of having We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy

done much good, yet there is still one pleasing with honour, on the ground that it was im-

consolation left, which the world can neither possible, knowing as he is, to borrow from a give nor take away. There are moments, foreign work one month before it was in ex- lingering moments of listless indifference and istence, when Will Wizard suddenly took up heavy-hearted despondency, when our best the cudgels for the critics, and insisted that hopes and affections slipping, as they some- nothing was more probable, for he recollected times will, from their hold on those objects reading of an ingenious Dutch author, who ancients of stealing to which they usually cling for support, seem plainly convicted the from abandoned on the wide waste of cheerless ex- his labours ! —So much for criticism. istence without a place to cast anchor, with- out a shore in view to excite a single wish, or We have received a host of friendly and ad- to give a momentary interest to contempla- monitory letters from different quarters, and tion. We look back with delight upon many among the rest a very loving epistle from of these moments of mental gloom, whiled George-Town, Columbia, signed Teddy away by the cheerful exercise of our pen, and M'Gundy, who addresses us by the name of consider every such triumph over the spleen Saul M'Gundy, and insists that we are de- as retarding the furrowing hand of time in its scended from the same Irish progenitors, and insidious encroachments on our brows. If, nearly related. As friend Teddy seems to in addition to our own amusements, we have, be an honest, merry rogue, we are sorry as we jogged carelessly laughing along, that we cannot admit his claims to kindred : brushed away one tear of dejection, and called we thank him, however, for his good will, forth a smile in its place—if we have bright- and should he ever be inclined to favour us ened the pale countenance of a single child of with another epistle, we will hint to him, sorrow—we shall feel almost as much joy and at the same time to our other numerous and rejoicing as a slang-whanger does when correspondents, that their communications will he bathes his pen in the heart's blood of a be infinitely more acceptable if they will just patron or benefactor ; or sacrifices one more recollect Tom Shuffleton's advice, " pay the illustrious victim on the altar of party ani- post-boy, Muggins." mosity.

No. 14.

TO READERS AND CORRESPONDENTS. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1807. It is our misfortune to be frequently pesterea, LETTER in our peregrinations about this learned city, FROM MUSTAI'HA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN by certain critical gad-flies, who buzz around, To Asem Hacchem, principal slave-driver to and merely attack the skin without ever being his Highness the Bashaw Tripoli. able to penetrate the body. The reputation of of our promising protege, Jeremy Cockloft Health and joy to the friend of my heart the younger, has been assailed by these skin- May the angel of peace ever watch over thy deep critics ; they have questioned his claims dwelling, and the star of prosperity shed its to originality, and even hinted that the ideas benignant lustre on all thy undertakings. for his New Jersey Tour were borrowed from Far other is the lot of thy captive friend ; his a late work entitled " My Pocket-book." As brightened hopes extend but to a lengthened there is no literary offence more despicable in period of weary captivity, and memory only the eyes of the trio than borrowing, we im- adds to the measure of his griefs, by holding :

SALMAGUNDI. Dl up a mirror which reflects with redoubled cepts of political wisdom that would not have charms the hours of past felicity. In mid- disgraced our great prophet and legislator night slumbers my soul holds sweet converse himself ; but, alas, Asem ! how continually with the tender objects of its affections ; it is are my expectations disappointed ; how dig- then the exile is restored to his country ; it is nified a meaning does this word bear in the then the wide waste of waters that rolls be- dictionary ; how despicable its common ap- tween us disappear, and I clasp to my bosom plication ! I find it extending to every con- the companion of my youth ! I awake and temptible discussion of local animosity, and find it is but a vision of the night. The sigh every petty altercation of insignificant indivi- will rise, the tear of dejection will steal adown duals. It embraces alike all manner of con- my cheek : I fly to my pen, and strive to cerns ; from the organization of a divan, the forget myself, and my sorrows, in conversing election of a bashaw, or the levying of an with my friend. army, to the appointment of a constable, the

In such a situation, my good Asem, it can- personal disputes of two miserable slang- not be expected that I should be able so wholly whangers, the cleaning of the streets, or the to abstract myself from my own feelings, as economy of a dirt-cart. A couple of politi- to give thee a full and systematic account of cians will quarrel, with the most vociferous the singular people among whom my disas- pertinacity, about the character of a bum- trous lot has been cast. I can only find bailiff whom nobody cares for, or the deport- leisure, from my own individual sorrows, to ment of a little great man whom nobody entertain thee occasionally with some of the knows ; and this is called talking politics most prominent features of their character, nay, it is but a few days since, that I was and now and then a solitary picture of their annoyed by a debate between two of my fel- most preposterous eccentricities. low-lodgeis, who were magnanimously em- I have before observed that, among the ployed in condemning a luckless wight to distinguished characteristics of the people of infamy, because he chose to wear a red coat, this logocracy, is their invincible love of talk- and to entertain certain erroneous opinions ing ; and, that I could compare the nation to some thirty years ago. Shocked at their illi- nothing but a mighty wind-mill. Thou art beral and vindictive spirit, I rebuked them doubtless at a loss to conceive how this mill for thus indulging in slander and uncharita- is supplied with grist; or, in other words, blenesses, about the colour of a coat which how it is possible to furnish subjects to sup- had doubtless for many years been worn ply the perpetual motion of so many tongues. out, or the belief in errors, which, in all

The genius of the nation appears in its probability, had been long since atoned for highest lustre in this particular, in the disco- and abandoned : but they justified them- very or rather the application, of a subject selves by alleging that they were only en- which seems to supply an inexhaustible mine gaged in politics, and exerting that liberty of of words. It is nothing more, my friend, speech, and freedom of discussion, which was than politics ; a word, which, I declare to the glory and safeguard of their national in- thee, has perplexed me almost as much as dependence. " O Mahomet !" thought I, the redoubtable one of economy. On con- " what a country must that be, which builds sulting a dictionary of this language, I found its political safety on ruined characters and it denoted the science of government; and the persecution of individuals !" the relations, situations, and dispositions of Into what transports of surprise and incre- states and empires. Good, thought I, for a dulity am I continually betrayed, as the people who boast of governing themselves, character of this eccentric people gradually there could not be a more important subject developes itself to my observation. Every of investigation. I therefore listened atten- new research increases the perplexities in tively, expecting to hear from " the most en- which I am involved, and I am more than lightened people under the sun," for so they ever at a loss where to place them in the scale modestly term themselves, sublime disputa- of my estimation. It is thus the philosopher tions on the science of legislation, and pre- —in pursuing truth through the labyrinth of — —

'32 SALMAGUNDI. doubt, error, and misrepresentation—fre- every tongue is loaded with reproach, and

quently finds himself bewildered in the mazes every heart is filled with gall and bitterness.

of contradictory experience ; and almost wishes At this period several unjustifiable and he could quietly retrace his wandering steps, serious injuries, on the part of the barbarians steal back into the path of honest ignorance, of the British islands, have given a new im- and jog on once more in contented indif- pulse to the tongue and the pen, and occa- ference. sioned a terrible wordy fever. Do not sup- Kow fertile in these contradictions is this pose, my friend, that I mean to condemn

extensive logocracy ! Men of different na- any proper and dignified expression of resent- tions, manners, and languages, live in this ment for injuries. On the contrary, I love

country in the most perfect harmony ; and to see a word before a blow, for '* in the ful-

nothing is more common than to see indivi- ness of the heart the tongue moveth." But duals, whose respective governments are at my long experience has convinced me that variance, taking each other by the hand and people, who talk the most about taking sa- exchanging the offices of friendship. Nay, tisfaction for affronts, generally content them- even on the subject of religion, in which, as selves with talking instead of revenging the

it affects our dearest interests, our earliest insult : like the street women of this country, opinions and prejudices, some warmth and who, after a prodigious scolding, quietly sit

heart-burnings might be excused ; which, down and fan themselves cool as fast as pos-

even in our enlightened country, is so fruitful sible. But to return : the rage for talking in difference between man and man—even re- has now, in consequence of the aggressions ligion occasions no dissention among these I alluded to, increased to a degree far beyond

people ; and it has even been discovered, by what I have observed heretofore. In the one of their sages, that believing in one God gardens of his Highness of Tripoli are fifteen or twenty Gods " neither breaks a man's leg thousand bee-hives, three hundred peacocks, nor picks his pocket." The idolatrous Per- and a prodigious number of parrots and sian may here bow down before his everlasting baboons—and yet I declare to thee, Asem,

fire, and prostrate himself towards the glow- that their buzzing, and squalling, and chat- ing east—the Chinese may adore his Fo, or tering, is nothing compared to the wild up- his Josh—the Egyptian his stork—and the roar, and war of words, now raging within Mussulman practise, unmolested, the divine the bosom of this mighty and distracted logo- precepts of our immortal prophet. Nay, even cracy. Politics pervade every city, every the forlorn, abandoned Atheist, who lays village, every temple, every porter house " down at night without committing himself to the universal question is, what is the the protection of Heaven, and rises in the news ?" This is a kind of challenge to po- morning without returning thanks for his litical debate ; and as no two men think ex- safety—w.ho hath no deity but his own will actly alike, 'tis ten to one, but, before they whose soul, like the sandy desert, is barren finish, all the polite phrases in the language of every flower of hope to throw a solitary are exhausted by way of giving fire and bloom over the dead level of sterility, and energy to argument. What renders this talk- people soften the wide extent, of desolation—whose ing fever more alarming is, that the darkened views extend not beyond the horizon appear to be in the unhappy state of a patient cal- that bounds his cheerless existence—to whom whose palate nauseates the medicine best and seem no blissful perspective opens beyond the culated for the cure of his disease, in the full enjoyment of grave—even he is suffered to indulge in his anxious to continue desperate opinions, without exciting one other their chattering epidemic.—They alarm each emotion than pity or contempt. But this other by direful reports and fearful apprehen- of old wives mild and tolerating spirit reaches not beyond sions : like as I have seen a knot entertain themselves with the pale of religion : once differ in politics, in this country in mere theories, visions and chimeras, the stories of ghosts and goblins until their ima« growth of interest, of folly, or madness, and ginations were in a most agonizing panic. deadly warfare ensues—every eye flashes %e, Every day begets some new tale, big with ! : —

SALMAGUNDI.

goddess, Rumour, There would be but little harm indeed in agitation ; and the busy to speak in the poetic language of the Chris- all this, if it ended merely in a broken head mounts for this might healed, and the tians, is constantly in motion. She — soon be her rattling stage-waggon, and gallops about scar, if any remained, might serve as a " warning ever after against the indulgence of the country, freighted with a load of hints," « informations," " extracts of letters from political intemperance : at the worst, the loss the respectable gentlemen," " observations of re- of such heads as these would be a gain to nation. the evil far it spectable correspondents," and " unquestion- But extends deeper ; threatens to impair all social intercourse, and able authorities," which her high priests, even to sever the sacred union of family the slang-whangers, retail to their sapient and kindred. convivial table is disturbed followers, with all the solemnity and all the The authenticity of oracles. True it is, the un- the cheerful fire-side is invaded—the smile of fortunate slang-wh|?£ers are sometimes at a social hilarity is chased away—the bond of loss for food, to supply this insatiable appe- social love is broken by the everlasting intru- sion of this fiend of contention lurks in tite for intelligence ; and are, notunfrequently, who reduced to the necessity of manufacturing the sparkling bowl, crouches by the fire-side, dishes suited to the taste of the times, to be growls in the friendly circle, infests every served up as morning and evening repasts to avenue to pleasure; and, like the scowling their disciples. incubus, sits on the bosom of society, pres- When the hungry politician is thus full sing down and smothering every throb and charged with important information, he sal- pulsation of liberal philanthropy. " lies forth to give due exercise to his tongue, But thou wilt perhaps ask, What can and tell all he knows to every body he meets. these people dispute about ? one would sup-

Now it is a thousand to one that every person pose that being all free and equal, they would he meets is just as wise as himself, charged harmonize as brothers ; children of the same with the same articles of information, and parent, and equal heirs of the same inheri- possessed of the same violent inclination to tance." This theory i.s most exquisite, my give it vent ; for in this country every man good friend, but in practice it turns out the adopts some particular slang-whanger as the very dream of a madman. Equality, Asem, standard of his judgment, and reads every is one of the most consummate scoundrels thing he writes if he reads nothing else; that ever crept from the brain of a political which is doubtless the reason why the people juggler—a fellow who thrusts his hand into of this logocracy are so marvellously enlight- the pocket of honest industry, or enterprising ened. So away they tilt at each other with talent, and squanders their hard earned pro-

their borrowed lances, advancing to the com- fits on profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. bat with the opinions and speculations of There will always be an inequality among

their respective slang-whangers, which, in mankind so long as a portion of it is enlight- all probability, are diametrically opposite ened and industrious, and the rest idle and here then arises as fair an opportunity for a ignorant. The one will acquire a larger share

battle of words as heart could wish ; and of wealth, and its attendant comforts, re-

thou mayest rely upon it, Asem, they do not finements, and luxuries of life, and the in-

let it pass unimproved. They sometimes fluence and power, which those will always begin with argument, but in process of time, possess who have the greatest ability of ad- as the tongue begins to wax wanton, other ministering to the necessities of their fellow- auxiliaries become necessary—recrimination creatures. These advantages will inevitably commences — reproach follows close at its excite envy, and envy as inevitably begets

heels—from political abuse they proceed to ill-will : —hence arises that eternal warfare, personal, and thus often is a friendship of which the lower orders of society are waging years trampled down by this contemptible against those who have raised themselves by enemy, this gigantic dwarf of roLiTics— their own merits, or have been raised by the the mongrel issue of grovelling ambition and merits of their ancestors, above the common aspiring ignorance level. In a nation possessed of quick feel- 94 SALMACIL'NDI. ings and impetuous passions, this hostility thee, that every thing remains exactly in the might engender deadly broils and bloody same state it was before the last wordy cam- commotions : but here it merely vents itself paign ; except a few noisy retainers, who in high sounding words, which lead to con- have crept into office, and a few noisy pa- triots, tinual breaches of decorum ; or in the insi- on the other side, who have been dious assassination of character, and a rest- kicked out, there is not the least difference. less propensity among the base to blacken The labourer toils for his daily support ; the every reputation which is fairer than their beggar still lives on the charity of those who own. have any charity to bestow; and the only

I cannot help smiling sometimes to see the solid satisfaction the multitude have reaped solicitude with which the people of America, is, that they have got a new governor, or so called from the country having been first bashaw, whom they will praise, idolize, and discovered by Christopher Columbus, battle exalt for a while ; and afterwards, notwith- about standing the sterling merits really them when any election takes place ; he pos- as if they had the least concern in the matter, sesses, in compliance with immemorial cus- or were to be benefitted by an exchange of tom, they will abuse, calumniate, and trample bashaws ! —They really seem ignorant that under foot. none, but the bashaws and their dependants, Such, my dear Asem, is the way in which are at all interested in the event ; and that the wise people of " the most enlightened the people at large will not find their situation country under the sun," are amused with altered in the least. I formerly gave thee an straws, and puffed up with mighty conceits ; account of an election, which took place like a certain fish I have seen here, which under my eye. The result has been, that having his belly tickled for a short time, will the people, as some of the slang-whangers swell and puff himself up to twice his usual say, have obtained a glorious triumph ; which, size, and become a mere bladder of wind and however, is flatly denied by the opposite vanity. slang-whangers, who insist that their party The blessing of a true Mussulman light on is composed of the true sovereign people; thee, good Asem ; ever while thou livest, be and that the others are all jacobins, French- true to thy prophet ; and rejoice, that, though men, and Irish rebels. I ought to apprize the boasting political chatterers of this logo- thee, that the last is a term of great reproach cracy cast upon thy countrymen the igno- here; which, perhaps, thou wouldst not minious epithet of slaves, thou livest in a otherwise imagine, consideiing that it is not country where the people, instead of being many years since this very people were en- at the mercy of a tyrant with a million gaged in a revolution, the failure of which of heads, have nothing to do but submit to would have subjected them to the same ig- the will of a bashaw of only three tails. nominious epithet, and a participation in Ever thine, which is now the highest recommendation to MUSTAPHA. public confidence. By Mahomet, but it can- not be denied, that the consistency of this COCKLOFT HALL. people, like every thing else appertaining to BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. them, is on a prodigious great scale! To return, however, to the event of the election. Those who pass their time immured in the —The people triumphed; and much good smpky circumference of the city, amid the has it done them. I, for my part, expected rattling of carts, and brawling of the multi- to see wonderful changes, and most magical tude, and the variety of unmeaning and metamorphoses. I expected to see the peo- discordant sounds that prey insensibly upon ple all rich, that they would be all gentlemen the nerves, and beget a weariness of the bashaws, riding in their coaches, and faring spirits, can alone understand and feel that sumptuously every day ; emancipated from expansion of the heart, that physical renova- toil, and revelling in luxurious ease. "Wilt tion which a citizen experiences when he thou credit me, Asera, when I declare to steals forth from his dusty prison to breathe ! ;

SALMAGUNDI. S3 the free air of heaven, and enjoy the clear ing the splendid mutations of one of our face of nature. Who that has rambled by summer skies, which emulated the boasted the side of one of our majestic rivers, at the glories of an Italian sun-set, I all at once hour of sun-set, when the wildly romantic discovered that it was but to pack up my scenery around is softened and tinted by the portmanteau, bid adieu for a while to my voluptuous mist of evening ; when the bold elbow-chair, and in a little time I should be and swelling outlines of the distant mountain transported from the region of smoke, and seem melting into the glowing horizon, and a noise, and dust, to the enjoyment of a far rich mantle of refulgence is thrown over the sweeter prospect and a brighter sky. The whole expanse of the heavens, but must; have next morning I was off full tilt to Cockloft felt how abundant is nature in sources of pure Hall, leaving my man Pompey to follow at his enjoyment ; how luxuriant in all that can leisure with my baggage. I love to enliven the senses or delight the imagination. indulge in rapid transitions, which are The jocund zephyr, full freighted with native prompted—by the quick impulse of the ; fragrance, sues sweetly to the senses ; the moment 'tis the only mode of guarding chirping of the thousand varieties of insects against that intruding and deadly foe to all with which our woodlands abound, forms a parties of pleasure—anticipation. concert of simple melody ; even the barking Having now made good my retreat, until of the farm dog, the lowing of the cattle, the the black frosts commence, it is but a piece tinkling of their bells, and the strokes of the of civility due to my readers, who I trust are, woodman's axe from the opposite shore, ere this, my friends, to give them a proper seem to partake of the softness of the scene, introduction to my present residence. I do and fall tunefully upon the ear ; while the this as much to gratify them as myself; voice of the villager, chanting some rustic well knowing a reader is always anxious to ballad, swells from a distance, in the sem- learn how his author is lodged, whether in a blance of the very music of harmonious garret, a cellar, a hovel, or a palace ; at least love. an author is generally vain enough to think

At such time I feel a sensation of sweet so ; and an author's vanity ought sometimes tranquillity ; a hallowed calm is diffused to be gratified : poor vagabond ! it is often over my senses ; I cast my eyes around, and the only gratification he ever tastes in this every object is serene, simple, and beautiful world ! no waning passion, no discordant string there Cockloft Hall is the country residence of rather vibrates to the touch of ambition, self-interest, the family, or the paternal mansion ; hatred or revenge ; —I am at peace with the which like the mother country, sends forth whole world, and hail all mankind as whole colonies to populate the face of the friends and brothers. Blissful moments ! ye earth. Pindar whimsically denominates it recall the careless days of my boyhood, when the family hive ! and there is at least as much mere existence was happiness, when hope truth as humour in my cousin's epithet ; was certainty, this world a paradise, and every for many a redundant swarm has it produced. woman a ministering angel ! —surely man I don't recollect whether I have at any time was designed for a tenant of the universe, mentioned to my readers, for I seldom look instead of being pent up in these dismal back on what I have written, that the fertility cages, these dens of strife, disease, and dis- of the Cocklofts is proverbial. The female cord. We were created to range the fields, members of the family are most incredibly to sport among the groves, to build castles fruitful; and to use a favourite phrase of in the air, and have every one of them old Cockloft, who is excessively addicted to realized back-gammon, they seldom fail " to throw A whole legion of reflections like these in- doublets every time." I myself have known sinuated themselves into my mind, and stole three or four very industrious young men re- me from the influence of the cold realities duced to great extremities, with some of before me, as I took my accustomed walk, a these capital breeders ; heaven smiled upon few weeks since, on the battery. Here watch- their union, and enriched them with a nu- ;

DO SALMAGUNDI. merous and hopeful offspring—who eat them ceive, was something very like the idea of out of doors. Lorenzo de Medici who gave as a reason for

But to return to the hall.—It is pleasantly preferring one of his seats above all the others, situated on the bank of " a sweet pastoral that all the ground within view of it, was stream ; not so near town as to invite an his own ;" now, whether my grandfather ever inundation of unmeaning, idle acquaintance, heard of the Medici, is more than I can say; who come to lounge away an afternoon, nor I rather think, however, from the charac- of so distant as to render it an absolute deed teristic originality of the Cocklofts, that it charity or friendship to perform the journey. was a whim-wham of his own begetting It is one of the oldest habitations in the coun- Another odd notion of the old gentleman, try, and was built by my cousin Christo- was to blow up a large bed of rocks for the pher's grandfather, who was also mine by the purpose of having a fish-pond, although the mother's side, in his latter days, to form, as river ran at about one hundred yards distance the old gentleman expressed himself, " a from the house, and was well stored with snug retreat, where he meant to sit himself fish ; —but there was nothing, he said, like down in his old days, and be comfortable for having things to one self. So at it he went the rest of his life." He was at this time a with all the ardour of a projector, who has few years over four score : but this was a just hit upon some splendid and useless whim- common saying of his, with which he usually wham. As he proceeded, his views enlarged closed his airy speculations. One would he would have a summer-house built on the have thought, from the long vista of years margin of the fish-pond ; he would have it through which he contemplated many of his surrounded with elms and willows; and he projects, that the good man had forgot the would have a cellar dug under it, for some age of the patriarchs had long since gone by, incomprehensible purpose, which remains a and calculated upon living a century longer secret to this day. " In a few years," he at least. He was for a considerable time in observed, " it would be a delightful piece of doubt, on the question of roofing his house wood and water, where he might ramble on a with shingles or slate : —shingles would not summer's noon, smoke his pipe, and enjoy :" last above thirty years ; but then they were himself in his old days —thiice honest old much cheaper than slates. He settled the soul ! —he died of an apoplexy, in his ninetieth matter by a kind of compromise, and deter- year, just as he had begun to blow up the mined to build with shingle first : " and fish-pond. when they are worn out," said the old gentle- Let no one ridicule the whim-whams of my man, triumphantly, " 'twill be time enough grandfather. If—and of this there is no to replace them with more durable materials." doubt, for wise men have said it—if life is But his contemplated improvements sur- but a dream, happy is he who can make the passed every thing; and scarcely had he most of the illusion. a roof over his head, when he discovered Since my grandfather's death, the hall has a thousand things to be arranged beTore he passed through the hands of a succession of could " sit down comfortably." In the first true old cavaliers, like himself, who gloried in observing the place every tree and bush on the place was golden rules of hospitality ; cut down or grubbed up by the roots, because which, according to the Cockloft principle, they were not placed to his mind ; and a consist in giving a guest the freedom of the vast quantity of oaks, chestnuts, and elms, house, cramming him with beef and pudding, set out in clumps and rows, and labyrinths, and if possible, laying him under the table which, he observed, in about five-and-twenty with prime Port, Claret or London particular. or thirty years at most, would yield a very The mansion appears to have been consecrated tolerable shade, and moreover shut out all to the jolly god, and teems with monuments the surrounding country ; for he was deter- sacred to conviviality. Every chest of mined, he said, to have all his views on his drawers, clothes-press, and cabinet, is deco- own land, and be beholden to no man for a rated with enormous china punch-bowls, prospect This, my learned readers will per- which Mrs. Cockloft has paraded with much' SALMAGUNDI. m ostentation, particularly in her favourite red My allotted chamber in the hall is the damask bed-chamber, and in which a pro- same that was occupied in days of yore by jector might with great satisfaction practise my honoured uncle John. The room exhi- bits many memorials recall to his experiments on fleets, diving-bells, and which my sub-marine boats. remembrance the solid excellence and amiable I have before mentioned cousin Christo- eccentricities of that gallant old lad. Over pher's profound veneration for antique furni- the mantlepiece hangs the portrait of a young hall lady, dressed in a flaring, long-waisted, blue ture ; in consequence of which, the old is furnished in much the same style with the silk gown ; be-flowered, and be-furbelowed, house in town. Old fashioned bedsteads, with and be-cuffed, in a most abundant manner ; high testers ; massy clothes-presses, standing she holds in one hand a book, which she very most majestically on eagle's claws, and orna- complaisantly neglects to turn and smile on mented with a profusion of shining brass han- the spectator ; in the other a flower which I dles, clasps, and hinges ; and around the grand hope, for the honour of dame Nature, was parlour are solemnly ranged a set of high- the sole production of the painter's imagina- backed, leather-bottomed, massy, mahogany tion ; and a little behind her is something chairs, that always remind me of the formal tied to a blue riband ; but whether a little long-waisted belles, who nourished in stays dog, a monkey, or a pigeon, must be left to and buckram, about the time they were in the judgment of future commentators. This fashion little damsel, tradition says, was my uncle If I may judge from their height it was not John's third flame; and he would infalli- the fashion for gentlemen in those days to bly have run away with her, could he have loll over the back of a lady's chair, and persuaded her into the measure ; but at that whisper in her ear what—might be as well time ladies were not quite so easily run away spoken aloud ; at least they must have been with as Columbine ; and my uncle, failing in Patagonians to have effected it. Will the point, took a lucky thought, and with Wizard declares that he saw a little fat great gallantry run off with her picture, whicl* German gallant attempt once to whisper he conveyed in triumph to Cockloft-hall, and Miss Barbara Cockloft in this manner, but hung up in his bed-chamber as a monument being unluckily caught by the chin, he of his enterprising spirit. The old gentleman dangled and kicked about for half a minute, prided himself mightily on his chivalric ma-

before he could find terra firma ; —but Will noeuvre ; always chuckled, and pulled up his is much addicted to hyperbole, by reason of stock when he contemplated the picture, and his having been a great traveller. never related the exploit without winding up But what the Cocklofts most especially " I might, indeed, have carried off the origi-

pride themselves upon, is the possession of nal, but I chose to dangle a little longer after

several family portraits, which exhibit as her chariot wheels ; —for, to do the girl jus-

honest a square set of portly well-fed-looking tice, I believe she had a Eking for me ; but gentlemen, and gentlewomen, as ever grew I always scorned to coax, my boy—always— and flourished under the pencil of a Dutch 'twas my way." My uncle John was of a painter. Old Christopher, who is a complete happy temperament ;—I would give half

genealogist, has a story to tell of each ; and I am worth for his talent at self-consola- dilates with copious eloquence on the great tion. services of the general in large sleeves, during The Miss Cocklofts have made several

the old French war ; and on the piety of the spirited attempts to introduce modern furni- lady in blue velvet, who so attentively peruses ture into the hall, but with very indifferent her book, and was once so celebrated for a success. Modern style has always been an

beautiful arm : but much as I reverence my object of great annoyance to honest Christo-

illustrious ancestors, I find little to admire in pher ; and is ever treated by him with their biography, except my cousin's excellent sovereign contempt, as an upstart intruder.

memory ; which is most provokingly reten- It is a common observation of his, that your tive o( every uninteresting particular. old-fashioned substantial furniture bespeak* H —

08 SALMAGUNDI. the respectability of one's ancestors, and verdure, as if to welcome his arrival. How indicates that the family has been used to whimsically are our tenderest feelings as- hold up its head for more than the present sailed ! At one time the old tree had generation ; whereas the fragile appendages obtruded a withered branch before Miss of modern style seem to be emblems of mush- Barbara's window, and she desired her father room gentility ; and, to his mind, predicted to order the gardener to saw it off. I shall that the family dignity would moulder away never forget the old man's answer, and the and vanish with the finery thus put on of a look that accompanied it. " What," cried sudden. The same whim-wham makes him he, " lop off the limbs of my cherry tree in averse to having his house surrounded with its old age ?—why do you not cut off the poplars ; which he stigmatizes as mere up- grey locks of your poor old father ?"

starts ; just fit to ornament the shingle Do my readers yawn at this long family' palaces of modern gentry, and characteristic detail ? they are welcome to throw down our

of the establishments they decorate. Indeed, work, and never resume it again. I have no so far does he carry his veneration for all the care for such ungratified spirits, and will not antique trumpery, that he can scarcely see throw away a thought on one of them. Full the venerable dust brushed from its resting often have I contributed to their amusement, place on the old-fashioned testers, or a grey- and have I not a right for once to consult my bearded spider .dislodged from his ancient own ? Who is there that does not fondly inheritance, without groaning; and I once turn at times to linger round those scenes saw him in a transport of passion on Jeremy's which were once the haunt of his boyhood, knocking down a mouldering martin-coop, ere his heart grew heavy and his head waxed

with his tennis-ball, which had been set up grey ; and to dwell with fond affection on the in the latter days of my grandfather. Another friends who have twined themselves round object of his peculiar affection is an old his heart—mingled in all his enjoyments English cherry tree, which leans against a contributed to all his felicities ? If there

torner of the hall ; and whether the house be any who cannot relish these enjoyments,

supports it, or it supports the house, would let them despair—for they have been so soiled be, I believe, a question of some difficulty to in their intercourse with the world, as to be incapable of tasting some of the purest decid . It is held sacred by friend Christo- pher because' he planted and reared it himself, pleasures that survive the happy period of and had once well nigh broke his neck by a youth.

fall from one of its branches. This is one ol To such as have not yet lost the rural is to feeling I this his favourite stories ; —and there reason address simple family picture ; believe that if the tree was out of the way, and in the honest sincerity of a warm heart the old gentleman would forget the whole I invite them to turn aside from bustle, care,

affair ; which would be a great pity. The and toil—to tarry with me for a season in the old tree has long since ceased bearing, and is hospitable mansion of the Cocklofts.

exceedingly infirm ; every tempest robs it of

a limb ; and one would suppose from the apprehensive on reading the lamentations of my old friend, on such occa- I was really effusion of Will Wizard, that he sions, that he had lost one of his own. He following still retained that pestilent hankering after often contemplates it in a half-melancholy, convicted him. He, half-moralizing humour :—*" together," he puns of which we lately declares that he is fully authorised says, " have we flourished, and together shall however, by the example of the most popular critics we wither away : —a few years, and both our wits of the present age, whose manner heads will be laid low ; and, perhaps, my and mouldering bones may, one day or other, and matter he has closely, and he flatters subsequent mingle with the dust of the tree. I have himself successfully, copied in the planted." He often fancies, he says, that essay.

it rejoices to see him when he revisits the brighter hall ; . and that its leaves assume a SALMAGUNDI. 90

THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. vied in brilliancy with that of my superb friend Consequa in Canton ; wheae the castles BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. were all ivory, the sea mother of pearl, the The uncommon healthiness of the season skies gold and silver leaf, and the outside of occasioned, as several learned physicians as- the boxes inlaid with scallop shell-work. sure me, by the universal prevalence of the Those who want a better description of the influenza, has encouraged the chieftain of our theatre, may as well go and see it ; and then dramatic corps to marshal his forces, and they can judge for themselves. For the gra- commence the campaign at a much earlier tification of a highly respectable class of rea- day than usual. He has been induced to ders, who love to see every thing on paper. take the field, thus suddenly, I am told, by I had indeed prepared a circumstantial and! the invasion of certain foreign marauders, truly incomprehensible account of it, such as who pitched their tents at Vauxhall-Gardens your traveller always fills his book with, and during the warm months, and taking advan- which I defy the most intelligent architect, tage of his army being disbanded and dis- even the great Sir Christopher Wren, to un- persed in summer quarters, committed sad derstand. I had jumbled cornices, and pi- depredations upon the borders of his territo- lasters, and pillars, and capitals, and tri- ries—carrying off a considerable portion of gliphs, and modules, and plinths, and volutes, his winter harvest, and murdering some of and perspectives, and foreshortenings, helter- his most distinguished characters. skelter ; and had set all the orders of archi- It is true these hardy invaders have been tecture, Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, &c. together reduced to great extremity by the late heavy by the ears, in order to work out a satisfac- rains, which injured and destroyed much of tory description ; but the manager having their camp-equipage, besides spoiling the sent me a polite note, requesting that I would best part of their wardrobe. Two cities, a not take off the sharp edge, as he whimsi- triumphal car, and a new moon for Cinder- cally expresses it, of public curiosity, thereby ella, together with the barber's boy who was diminishing the receipts of his house, I have employed every night to powder and make it willingly consented to oblige him, and have shine white, have been entirely washed away, left my description at the store of our pub- and the sea has become very wet and mouldy lisher, where any person may see it, provided —insomuch that great apprehensions are en- he applies at a proper hour. tertained that it will never be dry enough for I cannot refrain here from giving vent to use. Add to this the noble county Paris had the satisfaction I received from the excellent the misfortune to tear his corduroy breeches performances of the different actors, one and in the scuffle with Romeo, by reason of the all ; and particularly the gentlemen who shift-, tomb being very wet, which occasioned him ed the scenes, who acquitted themselves

to slip ; and he and his noble rival possess- throughout with great celerity, dignity, pa- ing but one poor pair of satin ones between thos, and effect. Nor must I pass over the them, were reduced to considerable shifts to peculiar merits of my friend John, who gal- keep up the dignity of their respective houses. lanted off the chairs and tables in the most In spite of these disadvantages and untoward dignified and circumspect manner. Indeed I circumstances, they continued to enact most have had frequent occasion to applaud the intrepidly—performing with much ease and correctness with which this gentleman fulfils confidence, inasmuch as they were seldom the parts allotted him, and consider him as pestered with an audience to criticise and one of the best general performers in the com-

put them out of countenance. It is rumour- pany. My friend, the cockney, found con- ed that the last heavy shower has absolutely siderable fault with the manner in which John dissolved the company, and that our manager shoved a huge rock from behind the scenes, has nothing further to apprehend from that maintaining that he should have put his left quarter. foot forward and pushed it with his right The theatre opened on Wednesday last hand, that being the method practised by his

with great eclat, as we critics say, and almost contemporaries of the royal theatres, and H 2 — !

ICO SALMAGUNDI. universally approved by their best critics. a further gratification to the patriotic audience He also took exceptions to John's coat, which to know that the present thunderer is a fellow he pronounced too short by a foot at least countryman, born at Dunderbarrack among particularly when he turned his back to the the echoes of the highlands ; and that he company. But I look upon these objections thunders with peculiar emphasis and pom- in the same light as new readings, and insist pous enunciation, in the true style of a that John shall be allowed to manoeuvre his fourth of July orator. chairs and tables, shove his rocks, and wear In addition to all these additions, the ma- his skirts in that style which his genius best nager has provided an entire new snow-storm affects. My hopes in the rising merit of this —the very sight of which will be quite suffi-

favourite actor daily increases ; and I would cient to draw a shawl over every naked bosom hint to the manager the propriety of giving in the theatre. The snow is perfectly fresh him a benefit, advertising in the usual style having been manufactured last August. of play-bills, as a " springe to catch wood- N. B. The outside of the theatre has been

cocks," that between the play and farce John ornamented with a new chimney !

will make a bow—for that night only ! I am told that no pains have been spared No. 15. to make the exhibitions of this season as. splendid as possible. Several expert rat- THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1307- catchers have been sent into different parts of the country to catch white mice for the grand SKETCHES FROM NATURE. pantomime of Cinderella. A nest-full of BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. little squab Cupids have been taken in the

neighbourhood of Cummunipaw ; they are The brisk North-westers, which prevailed as yet but half fledged, of the true Holland not long since, had a powerful effect in

breed, and it is hoped will be able to fly arresting the progress of belles, beaux, and about by the middle of October—otherwise wild pigeons in their fashionable northern they will be suspended about the stage by tour, and turning them back to the more the waistband, like little alligators in an balmy region of the south. Among the rest apothecary's shop, as the pantomime must I was encountered, full butt, by a blast positively be performed by that time. Great which set my teeth chattering, just as I dou- pains and expense have been incurred in the bled one of the frowning bluffs of the Mo- importation of one of the most portly pump- hawk mountains, in my route to Niagara;

kins in New-England ; and the public may and facing about incontinently, I forthwith

be assured there is now one on board a vessel scudded before the wind, and a few da/s since from New-Haven, which will contain Cin- arrived at my old quarters in New- York. derella's coach and six with perfect ease, were My first care on returning from so long an the white mice even ten times as large. absence was to visit the worthy family of the Also several barrels of hail, rain, brim- Cocklofts, whom I found safe burrowed in stone, and gunpowder, are in store for melo- their country mansion. On inquiring for my drames—of which a number are to be played highly respected coadjutor, Langstaff, I off this winter. It is furthermore whispered learned with great concern that he had re-

me that the great thunder drum has been new lapsed into one of his eccentric fits of the braced, and an expert performer on that in- spleen, ever since the era of a turtle dinner strument engaged, who will thunder in plain given by old Cockloft to some of the neigh-

English, so as to be understood by the most bouring squires ; wherein the old gentleman illiterate hearer. This will be infinitely pre- had achieved a glorious victory, in laying ferable to the miserable Italian thunderer, honest Launcelot fairly under the table. employed last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who per- Langstaff, although fond of the social board, formed in such an unnatural and outlandish and cheerful glass, yet abominates any ex-

tongue, that none but the scholars of Signior cess ; and has an invincible aversion to get- Da Ponte could understand him. It will be ting mellow, considering it a wilful outrage — —

Salmagundi. 101 on the sanctity of imperial mind, a senseless with his usual warmth, and with a tremulous abuse of the body, and an unpardonable, be- but close pressure, which spoke that his cause a voluntary, prostration of both men- heart entered into the salutation. After a tal and personal dignity. I have heard him number of affectionate inquiries and felici- moralize on the subject, in a style that would tations—such as friendship, not form, dic- have done honour to Michael Cassio himself: tated, he seemed to relapse into his former but I believe, if the truth were known, this flow of thought, and to resume the chain of antipathy rather arises from his having, as ideas my appearance had broken for a mo- the phrase is, but a weak head, and nerves ment. so extremely sensitive, that he is sure to suffer " I was reflecting," said he, " my dear severely from a frolic ; and will groan and Anthony, upon some observations I made in make resolutions against it for a week after- our last number; and considering whether wards. He therefore took this waggish ex- the sight of objects once dear to the affections, ploit of old Christopher's, and the consequent or of scenes where we have passed different quizzing which he underwent, in high dud- happy periods of early life, really occasions geon ; had kept aloof from company for a most enjoyment or most regret. Renewing fortnight, and appeared to be meditating some our acquaintance with well-known but long deep plan of retaliation upon his mischievous separated objects, revives, it is true, the re- old crony. He had, however, for the last collection of former pleasures, and touches day or two, shown some symptoms of con- the tenderest feelings of the heart ; like the flavour of a delicious valescence ; had listened, without more than beverage will remain half a dozen twitches of impatience, to one upon the palate long after the cup has parted of Christopher's unconscionable long stories from the lips. But, on the other hand, my and even was seen to smile, for the one hun- friend, these same objects are too apt to dred and thirtieth time, at a venerable joke awaken us to a keener recollection of what we first originally borrowed from Joe Miller, but were when they delighted us ; and to which, by dint of long occupancy, and fre- provoke a mortifying and melancholy contrast quent repetition, the old gentleman now with what we are at present. They act, in a firmly believes happened to himself some- manner, as mile-stones of existence, show- where in New-England. ing us how far we have travelled in the jour- As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's ney of life ; —how much of our weary but haunts, I soon found him out. He was loll- fascinating pilgrimage is accomplished. I ing on his favourite bench, rudely construct- look round me, and my eye fondly recognises ed at the foot of an old tree, which is full of the fields I once sported over, the river in fantastical twists, and with its spreading which 1 once swam, and the orchard I intre- branches forms a canopy of luxuriant foliage. pidly robbed in the halcyon days of boyhood. still green, the river still rolls This tree is a kind of chronicle of the short The fields are unaltered and undiminished, and the orchard reigns of his uncle John's mistresses ; and its trunk is sorely wounded with carvings of is still flourishing and fruitful ; —it is I only true lovers knots, hearts, darts, names, and am changed. The thoughtless flow of mad-

cap spirits that nothing could depress ; the inscriptions ! —frail memorials of the variety — of the fair dames who captivated the wandering elasticity of nerve that enabled me to bound fancy of that old cavalier in the days of his over the field, to stem the stream, and climb

' youthful romance. Launcelot holds this tree the tree ; —the sunshine of the breast ? that in particular regard, as he does every thing beamed an illusive charm over every object, else connected with the memory of his good and created a paradise around me ! where uncle John.—He was reclining in one of his are they ?—the thievish lapse of years has usual brown studies, against its trunk, and stolen them away, and left in return nothing gazing pensively upon the river that glided but grey hairs, and a repining spirit." My just by, washing the drooping branches of friend Launcelot concluded his harangue with the dwarf willows that fringed its bank. My a sigh, and as I saw he was still under the of the blues, and appearance roused him ;—he grasped my hand influence of a whole legion ; ;

102 SALMAGUNDI.

just on the point of sinking into one of his title ; to wit, squire Cockloft ; and is, in effect, whimsical and unreasonable fits of melancholy absolute lord and ruler of the soil. abstraction, I proposed a walk : —he con- As he passed us, he pulled off his hat with sented, and slipped his left arm in mine, an air of something more than respect ; it and waving in the other a gold-headed thorn partook, I thought, of affection. " There, now, cane, bequeathed him by his uncle John, we is another memento of the kind I have been slowly rambled along the margin of the river. noticing," said Launcelot ; " Caesar was a Langstaff. though possessing great vivacity bosom friend and chosen playmate of cousin of temper, is most wofully subject to these Pindar and myself, when we were boys. " thick coming fancies ;" and I do not know Never were we so happy as when, stealing a man whose animal spirits do insult him away on a holiday to the hall, we ranged with more jiltings, and coquetries, and slip- about the fields with honest Caesar. He was pery tricks. In these moods he is often particularly adroit in making our quail-traps visited by a whim-wham which he indulges and fishing-rods ; was always the ringleader in common with the Cocklofts. It is that of in all the schemes of frolicksome mischief looking back with regret, conjuring up the perpetrated by the urchins of the neighbour- phantoms of good old times, and decking hood ; considered himself on an equality with them in imaginary finery, with the spoils of the best of us ; and many a hard battle have his fancy : like a good widow lady, regretting I had with him, about a division of the spoils the loss of the " poor dear man," for whom, of an orchard or the title to a bird's nest. when living, she cared not a rush. I have Many a summer evening do I remember when, seen him and Pindar, and old Cockloft, amuse huddled together on the steps of the hall door, themselves over a bottle with their youthful Caesar, with his stories of ghosts, goblins, days, until by the time they had become what and witches, would put us all in a panic, and is termed merry, they were the most miserable people every lane, and church-yard, and soli- beings in existence. In a similar humour was tary wood, with imaginary beings. In pro- Launcelot at present, and I knew the only cess of time, he became the constant attendant way was to let him moralize himself out of it. and Man Friday of cousin Pindar, whenever Our ramble was soon interrupted by the he went a sparking among the rosy country appearance of a personage of no little im- girls of the neighbouring farms ; and brought

portance at Cockloft-hall : for, to let my up the rear at every rustic dance, when he readers into a family secret, friend Christo- would mingle in the sable group that always pher is notoriously hen-pecked by an old thronged the door of merriment ; and it was negro, who ha5 whitened on the place, and is enough to put to the rout a host of splenetic his master, almanack, and counsellor. My imps to see his mouth gradually dilate from readers, if haply they have sojourned in the ear to ear, with pride and exultation, at see-

country, and become conversant in rural man- ing how neatly master Pindar footed it over ners, must have observed, that there is scarce the floor. Caesar was likewise the chosen

a little hamlet but has one of these old wea- confidant and special agent of Pindar in all ther-beaten wiseacres of negroes, who ranks his love affairs, until, as his evil stars would

among the great characters of the place. He have it, on being entrusted with the delivery is always resorted to as an oracle to resolve of a poetic billet-doux to one of his patron's any question about the weather, fishing, shoot- sweethearts, he took an unlucky notion to

ing, farming, and horse-doctoring ; and on send it to his own sable dulcinea ; who, not

such occasions will slouch his remnant of a being able to read it, took it to her mistress hat on one side, fold his arms, roll his white —and so the whole affair was blown. Pin- eyes, and examine the sky, with a look as dar was universally roasted, and Caesar dis- knowing as Peter Pindar's magpie when charged for ever from his confidence.

peeping into a marrow-bone. Such a sage " Poor Caesar ! —he has now grown old, curmudgeon is old Csesar, who acts as friend like his young masters, but he still remem-

Cockloft's prime minister or grand vizier bers old times ; and will, now and then, re- assumes, when abroad, his master's style and mind m© of them as he lights me to my room — —

SALMAGUNDI. 103

accompanied in visit, declared, as he and lingers a little while to bid me a good me my night :—believe me, my dear Evergreen, the lighted his cigar, which had gone out forty cor- times in the course of his oriental tales, henest, simple old creature has a warm of one part, that he had not passed so pleasant an evening ner in my heart ; I don't see, for my why a body may not like a negro as well as since the birth-night ball of the beauteous !" a white man Empress of Hayti. By the time these biographical anecdotes were ended we had reached the stable, into ON GREATNESS. which we involuntarily strolled, and found BY LAUNCELOT Caesar busily employed in rubbing down the LANGSTAEF, ESQ. horses ; an office he would not entrust to any [The following essay was written by my friend Lang- staff in one of the paroxysms his body else, having contracted an affection for of splenetic com- plaint; and, for aught I know, may have been every beast in the stable, from their being de- effectual in restoring him to good humour.—A men- of the old race of animals, his youth- scendants tal discharge of the kind has a remai-fcable tendency particular ful contemporaries. Ca2sar was very towards sweetening the temper,—and Launcelot is in giving us their pedigrees, together with a at this moment one of the best natured men in ex- istence. A. Evergreen.] panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, blood, and spirit of their sires. From these he di- We have more than once, in the course of gressed into a variety of anecdotes, in which our work, been most jocosely familiar with Launcelot bore a conspicuous part, and on great personages; and, in truth, treated them which the old negro dwelt with all the gar- with as little ceremony, respect, and considera-

rulity of age. Honest Langstaff stood lean- tion, as if they had been our most particular ing with his arm over the back of his favourite friends. Now, we would not suffer the mor-

steed, old Killdeer ; and I could perceive he tification of having our readers even suspect that listened to Caesar's simple details with us of an intimacy of the kind ; assuring them fond attention with which a feeling mind will we are extremely choice in our intimates, and hang over narratives of boyish days. His uncommonly circumspect in avoiding con- with animation, a glow of youth- nexions with all doubtful eye sparkled characters ; parti-

ful fire stole across his pale visage ; he nodded cularly pimps, bailiffs, lottery-brokers, cheva- with smiling approbation at every sentence liers of industry, and great men. The world

chuckled at every exploit ; laughed heartily in general is pretty well aware of what is to at the story of his once having smoked out a be understood by the former classes of delin-

country singing-school with brimstone and quents ; but as the latter has never, I believe,

assafcetida ; and slipping a piece of money been specifically defined, and as we are deter- into old Caesar's hand to buy himself a new mined to instruct our readers to the extent of tobacco-box, he seized me by the arm, and our abilities, and their limited comprehen- hurried out of the stable brimful of good na- sion, it may not be amiss here to let them

ture. " 'Tis a pestilent old rogue for talk- know what we understand by a great man.

ing, my dear fellow," cried he ; " but you First, therefore, let us, editors and kings must not find fault with him, the creature are always plural, premise, that there are two

means well." I knew at the very moment kinds of greatness ; one conferred by heaven

he made this apology, honest Caesar could —the exalted nobility of the soul ; the other,' not have given him half the satisfaction had a spurious distinction, engendered by the he talked like a Cicero or a Solomon. mob, and lavished upon its favourites, The Launcelot returned to the house with me former of these distinctions we have already latter, in the best possible humour : the whole fa- contemplated with reverence ; the we mily, who, in truth, love and honour him will take this opportunity to strip naked be-

from their very souls, were delighted to sec fore our unenlightened readers ; so that if by the sun-beams once more play in his counte- chance any of them are held in ignominious nance. Every one seemed to vie who should thraldom by this base circulation of false coin,

talk the most, tell the longest stories, and be they may forthwith emancipate themselves inglorious delusion. most agreeable ; and Will Wizard, who had from such 104 SALMAGUNDI.

It is a fictitious value given to individuals The grand requisite for climbing the rugged by public caprice, as bankers give an impres- bill of popularity,—the summit of which is sion to a worthless slip of paper ; thereby the seat of power,—is to be useful. And gaining it a currency for infinitely more than here once more, for the sake of our readers,

its intrinsic value. Every nation has its pe- who are of course not so wise as ourselves, I

culiar coin, and peculiar great men ; neither must explain what we understand by useful-

of which will, for the most part, pass cur- ness. The horse, in his native state, is wild, rent out of the country where they are stamp- swift, impetuous, full of majesty, and of a

ed. Your true mob-created great man, is most generous spirit. It is then the animal

like a note of one of the little New-England is noble, exalted, and useless. But entrap banks, and his value depreciates in propor- him, manacle him, cudgel him, break down tion to the distance from home. In England, his lofty spirit, put the curb into his mouth,

a great man is he who has most ribands and the load upon his back, and reduce him into gew-gaws on his coat, most horses to his car- servile obedience to the bridle and the lash, riage, most slaves in his retinue, or most and it is then he becomes useful. Your

toad-eaters at his table ; in France, he who jackass is one of the most useful animals in can most dexterously flourish his heels above existence. If my readers do not now under- his head—Duport is most incontestibly the stand what I mean by usefulness, I give them all for greatest man in France ! —when the Emperor up most absolute nincoms.

is absent. The greatest man in China, is he To rise in this country a man must first can trace his ancestry descend. The aspiring who up to the moon ; politician may be and in this country our great men may gene- compared to that indefatigable insect, called

rally hunt down their pedigree until it bur- the tumbler, pronounced by a distinguished rows in the dirt like a rabbit. To be con- personage to be the only industrious animal

cise ; our great men are those who are most in Virginia ; which buries itself in filth, and expert at crawling on all-fours, and have the works ignobly in the dirt, until it forms a happiest facility in dragging and winding little ball, which it rolls laboriously along,

themselves along in the dirt like very reptiles. like Diogenes in his tub ; sometimes head, This may seem a paradox to many of my sometimes tail foremost, pilfering from every

readers, who, with great good-nature be it rat and mud hole, and increasing its ball of hinted, are too stupid to look beyond the greatness by the contributions of the kennel.

mere surface of our invaluable writings ; and Just so the candidate for greatness ; — he often plunges into that pass over the knowing allusion, and mass of obscenity, the mob ; poignant meaning, that is slily couching be- labours in dirt and oblivion, and makes unto

neath. It is for the benefit of such helpless himself the rudiments of a popular name ignorants, who have no other creed but the from the admiration and praises of rogues, opinion of the mob, that I shall trace, as far ignoramuses and blackguards. His name

as it is possible to follow him in his ascent once started, onward he goes struggling and

from insignificance,—the rise, progress, and puffing, and pushing it before him ; collect- completion of a little great man. ing new tributes from the dregs and offals of In a logocracy to use the sage Mustapha's the land as he proceeds, until having gathered

phrase, it is not absolutely necessary to the together a mighty mass of popularity, he

formation of a great man that he should be mounts it in triumph ; is hoisted into office,

cither wise or valiant ; upright, or honour- and becomes a great man, and a ruler in the able. On the contrary, daily experience land—All this will be clearly illustrated by a shows, that these qualities rather impede his sketch of a worthy of the kind, who sprung

preferment ; inasmuch as they are prone to up under my eye, and was hatched from pol- render him too inflexibly erect, and are di- lution by the broad rays of popularity, rectly at variance with that willowy supple- which, like the sun, can " breed maggots

ness which enables a man to wind, and twist, in a dead dog.'* through all the nooks and turns, and dark Timothy Dabble was a young man of very

"winding passages, that lead to greatness.—. promising talents j for he wrote a fair hand, SALMAGUNDI. 105 and had thrice won the silver medal at a men ; where he reprobated a political error,

orator, for they blasted political character : country academy ; he was also an a —they were, he talked with emphatic volubility, and consequently, the most useful ; for the great could argue a full hour, without taking either object of our political disputes is not who side, or advancing a single opinion; he had still shall have the honour of emancipating the farther requisites for eloquence ; for he made community from the leading strings of delu- very handsome gestures, had dimples in his sion, but who shall have the profit of holding cheeks when he smiled, and enunciated most the strings and leading the community by the harmoniously through his nose. In short, nose. nature had certainly marked him out for a Dabble was likewise very loud in his pro- great man ; for though he was not tall, yet fessions of integrity, incorruptibility, and he added at least half an inch to his stature disinterestedness ; words, which, from being by elevating his head, and assumed an ama- filtered and refined through newspapers and zing expression of dignity, by turning up his election hand-bills, have lost their original nose and curling his nostrils in a style of con- signification ; and in the political dictionary scious superiority. Convinced by these un- are synonymous with empty pockets, itching equivocal appearances, Dabble's friends, in palms, and interested ambition. He, in ad- full caucus, one and all, declared that he dition to all this, declared that he would sup- was undoubtedly born to be a great man, and port none but honest men ; but unluckily as it would be his own fault if he were not one. but few of these offered themselves to be sup- Dabble was tickled with an opinion which ported, Dabble's services were seldom re- coincided so happily with his own,—for va- quired. He pledged himself never to engage nity, in a confidential whisper, had given in party schemes, or party politics, but to him the like intimation ; and he reverenced stand up solely for the broad interests of his the judgment of his friends because they country ; so he stood alone ; and what is the thought so highly of himself ; —accordingly same thing, he stood still ; for, in this coun- he set out with a determination to become a try, he who does not side with cither party, great man, and to start in the scrub-race for is like a body in a vacuum between two honour and renown. How to attain the de- planets, and must for ever remain motion- sired prizes was however the question. He less. knew by a kind of instinctive feeling, which Dabble was immeasurably surprised that a seems peculiar to grovelling minds, that man so honest, so disinterested, and so sa- honour, and its better part—profit, would gacious withal, and one too who had the good never seek him out ; that they would never of his country so much at heart, should thus at his remain knock door and crave admittance ; but unnoticed and unapplauded. A little must be courted, and toiled after, and earned. worldly advice, whispered in his ear by a He therefore strutted forth into the highways, shrewd old politician, at once explained the the market-places, and the assemblies of the whole mystery. " He who would become people; ranted like a true cockerel orator great," said he, " must serve an apprentice- about virtue, and patriotism, and liberty, ship to greatness ; and rise by regular grada- and equality, and himself. Full many a tion, like the master of a vessel, who com- political mences by being scrub and cabin-boy. wind-mill did he battle with ; and He full many a time did he talk himself out of must fag in the train of great men, echo all breath and his hearers out of their patience. their sentiments, become their toad-eater and

But Dabble found to his vast astonishment, parasite,—laugh at all their jokes ; and above that there was not a notorious political pimp all, endeavour to make them laugh : —if you at a ward meeting but could out-talk him ;—. only now and then make a man laugh your and what was still more mortifying, there was fortune is made. Look but about you, not a notorious political pimp but was more youngster, and you will not see a single little noticed and caressed than himself. The rea- great man of the day, but has his miserable son was simple enough ; while he harangued herd of retainers, who yelp at his heels, about principles, the others ranted about come at his whistle, worry whoever he points ! ——! —

106 SALMAGUNDI.

his finger at, and think themselves fully re- genius swelled up into its proper size ; like warded by sometimes snapping up a crumb the loatnsome toad, which shrinking from that falls from the great man's table. Talk balmy airs, and jocund sunshine, finds his of patriotism and virtue, and incorruptibility congenial home in caves and dungeons, and

—tut, man ! they are the very qualities that there nourishes venom, and bloats his defor- scare munificence, and keep patronage at a mity. 'Twas here he revelled with the distance. You might as well attempt to swinish multitude in their debauches on entice crows with red rags and gunpowder. patriotism and porter ; and it became an even Lay all these scarecrow virtues aside, and let chance whether Dabble would turn out a this be your maxim, that a candidate for poli- great man or a great drunkard. But Dabble tical eminence is like a dried herring ; in all this kept steadily in his eye the only he never becomes luminous until he is cor- deity he ever worshipped—his interest. rupt." Having by this familiarity ingratiated him- Dabble caught with hungry avidity these self with the mob, he became wonderfully congenial doctrines, and turned into his pre- potent and industrious at elections ; knew all destined channel of action with the force and the dens and cellars of profligacy and intem- rapidity of a stream which has for a while perance ; brought more negroes to the polls, been restrained from its natural course. He and knew to a greater certainty where votes became what nature had fitted him to be ; could be bought for beer than any of his con- his tone softened down from arrogant self- temporaries. His exertions in the cause, his sufficiency to the whine of fawning solicita- persevering industry, his degrading com- tion. He mingled in the caucuses of the pliance, his unresisting humility, his stedfast

sovereign people ; adapted his dress to a dependence, at length caught the attention of

similitude of dirty raggedness ; argued most one of the leaders of the party; who was logically with those who were of his own pleased to observe that Dabble was a very

opinion ; —and slandered, with all the malice useful fellow who would go all lengths

of impotence, exalted characters whose orbit From that moment his fortune was made ; he was hand he despaired ever to approach : —just as that and glove with orators and scoundrel midnight thief, the owl, hoots at slang-whangers ; basked in the sun-shine of the blessed light of the sun, whose glorious great men's smiles, and had the honour, lustre he dares never to contemplate. He sundry times, of shaking hands with dignita- likewise applied himself to discharging faith- ries, and drinking out of the same pot with

them at a porter-house ! ! fully the honourable duties of a paitizan ; he poached about for private slanders, and I will not fatigue myself with tracing this caterpillar in his slimy progress from worm ribald anecdotes ; he folded hand-bills—he even wrote one or two himself, which he to butterfly ; suffice it that Dabble bowed carried about in his pocket and read to every and bowed, and fawned, and sneaked, and smirked, and libelled, until one would have body ; he became a secretary at ward-meet- ings, set his hand to divers resolutions of thought perseverance itself would have set- patriotic import, and even once went so far as tled down into despair. There was no know- to make a speech, in which he proved that ing how long he might have lingered at a distance from his hopes, had he not luckily patriotism was a virtue ; —the reigning bashaw got tarred and feathered for some of his elec- a great man ; —that this was a free country, and he himself an arrant and incontestable tioneering manoeuvres—this was the making stare tarring buzzard of him ! Let not my readers — Dabble was now very frequent and devout and feathering here is equal to pillory and in his visits to those temples of politics, cropped ears in England ; and either of these popularity and smoke, the ward porter- kinds of martyrdom will ensure a patriot the support of his faction. His houses ; those true dens of equality, where sympathy and

all ranks, ages, and talents, are brought partizans, for even he had his partizans, took down to the dead level of rude familiarity his case into consideration—he had been 'Twas here his talents expanded, and his kicked and cuffed, and disgraced, and dis- ;

SALMAGUNDT. 107 honoured in the cause—he had licked the with a heavy heart and emaciated form, dust at the feet of the raoh—he was a faithful called it pleasure when he threw by his drudge, slow to anger, of invincible patience, crutches, and danced away from them with of incessant assiduity—a thorough -going tool, renovated spirits, and limbs jocund with who could be curbed, and spurred, and di- vigour. In process of time pleasure under- rected at pleasure ; in short, he had all the went a refinement, and appeared in the like- important qualifications for a little great man, ness of a sober unceremonious country dance, and he was accordingly ushered into office, to the flute of an amateur, or the three- amid the acclamations of the party. The stringed fiddle of an itinerant country musi- leading men complimented his usefulness, cian. Still every thing bespoke that happy the multitude his republican simplicity, and holiday which the spirits ever enjoy, when the slang-whangers vouched for his patriot- emancipated from the shackles of formality, ism. Since his elevation he has discovered ceremony, and modern politeness: things indubitable signs of having been destined went on cheeringly, and Ballston was pro- for a great man. His nose has acquired an nounced a charming hum-drum careless place additional elevation of several degrees, so of resort, where every one was at his ease, that now he appears to have bidden adieu to and might follow unmolested the bent of his this world, and to have set his thoughts alto- humour-—provided his wife was not there gether on things above ; and he has swelled when, lo ! all on a sudden Style made its and inflated himself to such a degree, that baneful appearance in the semblance of a his friends are under apprehensions that he gig and tandem, a pair of leather breeches, a will one day or other explode and blow up liveried footman, and a cockney ! Since that like a torpedo. fatal era, pleasure has taken an entire new signification, and at present means nothing but STYLE. No. 16. The worthy, fashionable, dashing good- THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1G, 1807- for-nothing people of every state, who had STYLE, AT BALLSTON. rather suffer the martyrdom of a crowd, than endure the monotony of their own homes, and BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ.. the stupid company of their own thoughts,

Notwithstanding Evergreen has never flock to the Springs ; not to enjoy the plea- been abroad, nor had his understanding sures of society, or benefit by the qualities of enlightened, or his views enlarged by that the waters, but to exhibit their equipages marvellous sharpener of the wits, a salt-water and wardrobes, and to excite the admiration,

is tolerably shrewd and or what is more satisfactory, the voyage ; yet he much envy correct, in the limited sphere of his observa- of their fashionable competitors. This of

tions ; and now and then astounds me with a course awakens a spirit of noble emulation right pithy remark, which would do no dis- between the eastern, middle, and southern

credit even to a man who had made the grand states ; and every lady hereupon finding her- tour. self charged in a manner with the whole

In several late conversations at Cockloft- weight of her country's dignity and style, Hall, he has amused us exceedingly, by dresses and dashes, and sparkles, without detailing sundry particulars concerning that mercy, at her competitors from other parts of notorious slaughter-house of time, Ballston the union. This kind of rivalship naturally Springs, where he spent a considerable part requires a vast deal of preparation and prodi-

of the last summer. The following is a gious quantities of supplies. A sober citizen's summary of his observations. wife will break half a dozen milliner's shops, Pleasure has passed through a variety of and sometimes starve her family a whole sea- significations at Ballston. It originally son, to enable herself to make the Spring's meant nothing more than a relief from pain campaign in style. She repairs to the seat of

and sickness ; and the patient who had war with a mighty force of trunks and band- journeyed many a weary mile to the Springs, boxes, like so many ammunition chests, ; —

103 SALMAGUNDI. filled with caps, hats, gowns, ribands, shawls, have nothing to do in this world but piy into and all the various artillery of fashionable other people's affairs, began to stare ! In a

warfare. The lady of a southern planter will little time longer an outrider was missing !

lay out the whole annual produce of a rice this increased the alarm, and it was conse- plantation in silver and gold muslins, lace quently whispered that he had eaten the veils, and new liveries, carry a hogshead of horses and drank the negro.—N.B. Southern tobacco on her head, and trail a bale of Sea gentlemen are very apt to do this on an emer-

Island cotton at her heels ; while a lady of gency. Serious apprehensions were enter- Boston or Salem will wrap herself up in the tained about the fate of the remaining ser-

nett proceeds of a cargo of whale oil, and tie vant, which were soon verified by his actually

on her hat with a quintal of cod fish. vanishing ; and in " one little month" the The planters' ladies, however, have gene- dashing Carolinian modestly took his depar-

rally the advantage in this contest ; for, as it ture in the stage coach ! —universally re-

is an incontestable fact, that whoever comes gretted by the friends who had generously from the East or West Indies, or Georgia, or released him from his cumbrous load of the Caroiinas, or in fact any warm climate, is style.

immensely rich, it cannot be expected that a Evergreen, in the course of his detail, gave

simple cit of the north can cope with them in very melancholy accounts of an alarming style. The planter, therefore, who drives famine which raged with great violence at four horses abroad and a thousand negroes the Springs. Whether this was owing to at home, and who flourishes up to the Springs the incredible appetites of the company, or followed by half-a-score of black-a-moors, in the scarcity which prevailed at the inns, he

gorgeous liveries, is unquestionably superior did not seem inclined te say ; but he declares, to the northern merchant, who plods on in a that he was for several days in imminent

carriage and pair ; which being nothing more danger of starvation, owing to his being

than is quite necessary, has no claim whatever a little too dilatory in his attendance at the to style. He, however, has his consolation in dinner-table. He relates a number of " moving

feeling superior to the honest cit, who dashes accidents," which befel many of the polite about in a simple gig—he in return sneers at company in their zeal to get a good seat at the country squire, who jogs along with his dinner; on which occasion a kind of scrub- scrubby long-eared pony and saddle-bags race always took place, wherein a vast deal of and the squire, by way of taking satisfaction, jockeying and unfair play was shown, and a would make no scruple to run over the unob- variety of squabbles and unseemly alterca-

trusive pedestrian, were it not that the last tions occurred. But when arrived at the being the most independent of the whole scene of action, it was truly an awful sight to might chance to break his head by way of behold the confusion, and to hear the tumul-

retort. tuous uproar of voices crying out, some for another, to the tune- The great misfortune is, that this style is one thing, and some for supported at such an expense as sometimes to ful accompaniment of knives and forks, encroach on the rights and privileges of the rattling with all the energy of hungry im- pocket, and occasion very awkward embar- patience. The feast of the Centaurs and the rassments to the tyro of fashion. Among a Lapithae was nothing when compared with a number of instances, Evergreen mentions the dinner at the Great House. At one time, an fate of a dashing blade from the south, who old gentleman, whose natural irascibility was made his entre with a tandem and two out- a little sharpened by the gout, had scalded riders, by the aid of which he attracted the his throat, by gobbling down a bowl of hot

attention of all the ladies, and caused a soup in a vast hurry, in order to secure the coolness between several young couple who, first fruits of a roasted partridge before it was

hungry rival ; when, it was thought before his arrival, had a snapped up by some knife and fork, considerable kindness for each other. In just as he was whetting his promised the course of a fortnight his tandem disap- preparatory for a descent on the to land, he had the mortification to see it trans- peared ! —the class of good folk, who seem ——; ; ;

SALMAGUNDI. 109 ferred, bodily, to the plate of a squeamish and several gentlemen, who had the hardihood little damsel, who was taking the waters for to question this female philosophy, were held debility and loss of appetite. This was too in high displeasure. much for the patience of old Crusty; he After breakfast, every one chooses his lodged his fork into the partridge, whipt amusement ; some take a ride into the pine it into his dish, and cutting off a wing of it woods, and enjoy the varied and romantic " There, Miss, there's more than you can scenery of burnt trees, post and rail fences, eat. Oons ! what should such a little chalky, pine flats, potatoe patches, and log huts faced puppet as you do with a whole par- others scramble up the surrounding sand- tridge !" At another time a mighty sweet hills, that look like the abodes of a gigantic disposed old dowager, who loomed most mag- race of ants ; take a peep at other sand- nificently at the table, had a sauce-boat hills beyond them; and then—come down launched upon the capacious lap of a silver- again : others who are romantic, and sundry sprigged muslin gown, by the manoeuvring young ladies insist upon being so when- of a little politic Frenchman, who was, dex- ever they visit the Springs, or go any where terously attempting to make a lodgment into the country, stroll along tne borders tinder the covered way of a chicken-pie ; of a little swampy brook, that drags itself human nature could not bear it ! —the lady along like an Alexandrine, and that so lazily, bounced round, and, with one box on the ear, as not to make a single murmur ; watching drove the luckless wight to utter annihila- the little tadpoles as they frolic, right flip- tion. pantly, in the muddy stream, and listening But these little cross accidents are amply to the inspiring melody of the harmonious compensated by the great variety of amuse- frogs that croak upon its borders. Some play ments which abound at this charming resort at billiards, some play the fiddle, and some- of beauty and fashion. In the morning the play the fool ; the latter being the most pre- company, each like a jolly bacchanalian, with valent amusement at Ballston. glass in hand, sally forth to the Springs These, together with abundance of dancing, where the gentlemen, who wish to make and a prodigious deal of sleeping of after- themselves agreeable, have an opportunity of noons, make up the variety of pleasures at dipping themselves into the good opinion of the Springs ; —a delicious life of alternate

the ladies ; and it is truly delectable to see lassitude and fatigue ; of laborious dissipa-

with what grace and adroitness they perform tion, and listless idleness ; of sleepless nights,

this ingratiating feat. Anthony says that it and days spent in that dozing insensibility is peculiarly amazing to behold the quantity which ever succeeds them. Now and then, of water the ladies drink on this occasion, for indeed, the influenza, the fever-and-ague, or the purpose of getting an appetite for break- some such pale-faced intruder, may happen fast. He assures me he has been present to throw a momentary damp on the general

when a young lady, of unparalleled delicacy, felicity ; but on the whole, Evergreen de-

tossed off, in the space of a minute or two, clares that Ballston wants only six things one-and-twenty tumblers and a wine-glass to wit, good air, good wine, good living, good full. On my asking Anthony whether the beds, good company, and good humour, to be solicitude of the bye-standers was not greatly the most enchanting place in the world—ex- awakened as to what might be the effects of cepting Botany Bay, Musquito Cove, Dismal this debauch, he replied, that the ladies at Swamp, and the Black Hole at Calcutta.* Ballston had become such great sticklers for the doctrine of evaporation, that no gentleman * The British reader will have felt himself quite at home in the perusal of this essay, as its satire is just ever ventured to remonstrate against this ex- as applicable to the society of our fashionable water- cessive drinking for fear bringing his phi- of ing places as to the notables of Ballston.—Edit. losophy into contempt. The most notorious water-drinkers, in particular, were continu- ally holding forth on the surprising aptitude

with which the Ballston waters evaporated ; — ; no SALMAGUNDI.

LETTER but a plain and simple stone to mark his grave, and bear to the next generation this FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN important truth, that he was born, died—and To Asem Hacchem, principal Slave-driver was buried. It was this passion which once to his Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli. erected the vast Numidian piles, whose ruins we have so often regarded with wonder, as the [The following letter from the sage Mustapha has cost shades of evening fit emblems of oblivion— us more trouble to decipher and render into tole- — rable English, than any hitherto published. It was gradually stole over and enveloped them in full of blots and erasures, particularly the latter darkness. It was this which gave being to which we have no doubt was penned in a mo- part, those sublime monuments of Saracen magni- ment of great wrath and indignation. Mustapha ficence, which nod in mouldering desolation, has often a rambling mode of writing, and his thoughts take such unaccountable turns, that it is as the blast sweeps over our deserted plains. difficult to tell one moment where he will lead you How futile are all our efforts to evade the the next. This is particularly obvious in the com- obliterating hand of time ! As I traversed the mencement of his letters, which seldom bear much dreary wastes of Egypt, on my journey to analogy to the subsequent parts ; he sets oft" with a flourish, like a dramatic hero, assumes an air of Grand Cairo, I stopped my camel for awhile, great pomposity, and struts up to his subject and contemplated, in awful admiration, the mounted most loftily on stilts. L. Langstaff.'] stupendous pyramids. An appalling silence Among the variety of principles by which prevailed around—such as reigns in the wil- mankind are actuated, there is one, my dear derness when the tempest is hushed, and the Asem, which I scarcely know whether to beasts of prey have retired to their dens. The consider as springing from grandeur and no- myriads that had once been employed in rear- bility of mind, or from a refined species of ing these lofty mementos of human vanity, vanity and egotism. It is that singular, al- whose busy hum once enlivened the solitude though almost universal, desire of living in of the desert—had all been swept from the the memory of posterity ; of occupying a earth by the irresistible arm of death—all share of the world's attention, when we shall were mingled with their native dust—all were long since have ceased to be susceptible either forgotten ! Even the mighty names which of its praise or censure. Most of the passions these sepulchres were designed to perpetuate; of the mind are bounded by the grave had long since faded from remembrance : his^ sometimes, indeed, an anxious hope or trem- tory and tradition afforded but vague conjec- bling fear will venture beyond the clouds and tures, and the pyramids imparted a humili- darkness that rest upon our mortal horizon, ating lesson to the candidate for immortality.

and expatiate in boundless futurity ; but it is Alas ! alas ! said I to myself, how mutable only this active love of fame which steadily are the foundations on which our proudest

contemplates its fruition, in the applause or hopes of future fame are reposed ! He who gratitude of future ages. Indignant at the imagines he has secured to himself the meed narrow limits which circumscribe existence, of deathless renown, indulges in deluding

ambition is for ever struggling to soar beyond visions, which only bespeak the vanity of the

them ; to triumph over space and time, and dreamer. The storied obelisk—the triumphal to bear a name, at least, above the inevitable arch—the swelling dome—shall crumble into oblivion in which every thing else that con- dust, and the names they would preserve

cerns us must be involved. It is this, my from oblivion shall often pass away before friend, which prompts the patriot to his most their own duration is accomplished. heroic achievements ; which inspires the sub- Yet this passion for fame, however ridicu- limest strains of the poet, and breathes ethe- lous in the eye of the philosopher, deserves real fire into the productions of the painter respect and consideration, from haviug been and the statuary. the source of so many illustrious actions ; and' For this the monarch rears the lofty co- hence it has been the practice in all enlightened monuments, lumn ; the laurelled conqueror claims the governments to perpetuate, by testimony. of triumphal arch ; while the obscure indivi- the memory of great men, as a dual, who moved in a humbler sphere, asks respect for the illustrious dead, and to awaken ;

SALMAGUNDI. Ill

in the bosoms of posterity an emulation to from the table, and is, perhaps, five hundred merit the same honourable distinction. The miles distant ; and, to let thee into a melan- people of the American logocracy, who pride choly fact, a patriot, under this economic go- themselves upon improving on every precept vernment, may be often in want of a dinner, or example of ancient or modern governments, while dozens are devouring his praise. Nei- have discovered a new mode of exciting this ther are these repasts spread out for the love of glory—a mode by which they do ho- hungry and necessitous, who might otherwise nour to their great men, even in their life time. be filled with food and gladness, and inspired Thou must have observed by this time, to shout forth the illustrious name, which that they manage every thing in a manner had been the means of their enjoyment— far peculiar to themselves ; and doubtless in the from this, Asem, it is the rich only who in- best possible manner, seeing they have deno- dulge in the banquet : those who pay for the minated themselves " the most enlightened dainties are alone privileged to enjoy them ; people under the sun." Thou wilt therefore, so that, while opening their purses in honour perhaps, be curious to know how they con- of the patriot, they, at the same time, fulfil a trive to honour the name of a living patriot, great maxim, which in this country compre- and what unheaxd-of monument they erect in hends all the rules of prudence, and all the memory of his achievements. By the fiery duties a man owes to himself—namely, get- beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can ting the worth of their money. scarcely preserve the sobriety of a true dis- In process of time this mode of testifying ciple of Mahomet while I tell thee ! Wilt public applause has been found so marvel- thou not smile, oh, mussulman of invincible lously agreeable, that they extend it to events gravity, to learn that they honour their great as well as characters, and eat in triumph at men by eating, and that the only trophy the news of a treaty—at the anniversary of erected to their exploits is a public dinner ! any grand national era, or at the gaining of But trust me, Asem, even in this measure, that splendid victory of the tongue—an elec- whimsical as it may seem, the philosophic tion. Nay, so far do they carry it, that cer- and considerate spirit of this people is admi- tain days are set apart, when the guzzlers, rably displayed. Wisely concluding, that the gormandizers, and the wine-bibbers meet when the hero is dead he becomes insensible together to celebrate a grand indigestion, in to the voice of fame, the song of adulation, or memory of some great event ; and every man the splendid trophy, they have determined in the zeal of patriotism gets devoutly drunk that he shall enjoy his quantum of celebrity —"as the act directs." Then, my friend, while living, and revel in the full enjoyment mayest thou behold the sublime spectacle of of a nine days' immortality. The barbarous love of country, elevating itself from a senti- nations of antiquity immolated human vic- ment into an appetite, whetted to the quick tims to the memory of their lamented dead with the cheering prospect of tables loaded but the enlightened Americans offer up whole with the fat things of the land. On this oc- hecatombs of geese and calves, and oceans of casion every man is anxious to fall to work,

wine, in honour of the illustrious living ; and cram himself in honour of the day, and risk the patriot has the felicity of hearing from a surfeit in the glorious cause. Some, I have every quarter, the vast exploits in gluttony been told, actually fast for four-and-twenty and revelling that have been celebrated to the hours preceding, that they may be enabled to

glory of his name. do greater honour to the feast ; and certainly,

No sooner does a citizen signalize himself if eating and drinking are patriotic rites, he in a conspicuous manner in the service of his who eats and drinks most, and proves him-

country, than all the gormandizers assemble self the greatest glutton, is, undoubtedly, the and discharge the national debt of gratitude most distinguished patriot. Such, at any

—by giving him a dinner : not that he really rate, seems to be the opinion here ; and they

receives all the luxuries provided on this oc- act up to it so rigidly, that by the time it is casion—no, my friend, it is ten chances to one dark, every kennel in the neighbourhood that the great man does not taste a morsel teems with illustrious members of the sove- ;

112 SALMAGUNDI. reign people, wallowing in their congenial cups, and over each draught pronounce a mire. element of mud and short sentence or prayer ; not such a prayer These patriotic feasts, or rather national as thy virtuous heart would dictate, thy pioua are patronized and promoted monuments, by lips give utterance to, my good Asem ; not a certain inferior cadis, called aldermen, who tribute of thanks to all-bountiful Allah, nor are commonly complimented with their direc- a humble supplication for his blessing on the tion. These dignitaries, as far as I can draught ! —no, my friend, it is merely a toast, learn, are generally appointed on account of that is to say, a fulsome tribute of flattery to their great talents for eating, a qualification their demagogues ; a laboured sally of af- peculiarly necessary in the discharge of their fected sentiment or national egotism; or, official duties. They hold frequent meetings what is more despicable, a malediction on at taverns and hotels, where they enter into their enemies, an empty threat of vengeance, solemn consultations for the benefit of lob- or a petition for their destruction ; for toasts, sters and turtles ; establish wholesome regu- thou must know, are another kind of missile lations for the safety and preservation of fish weapon in a logocracy, and are levelled from and wild-fowl ; appoint the seasons most pro- afar, like the annoying arrows of the Tartars. per for eating oysters ; inquire into the eco- Oh, Asem ! couldst thou but witness one nomy of taverns, the characters of publicans, of these patriotic, these monumental dinners and the abilities of their cooks ; and discuss, how furiously the flame of patriotism blazes most learnedly, the merits of a bowl of soup, forth, how suddenly they vanquish armies, a chicken-pie, or a haunch of venison ; in a subjugate whole countries, and exterminate word, the alderman has absolute control in nations in a bumper, thou wouldst more than all matters of eating, and superintends the ever admire the force of that omnipotent whole police—of the belly. Having, in the weapon the tongue. At these moments every prosecution of their important office, sig- coward becomes a hero, every raggamuffin an nalized themselves at so many public festi- invincible warrior ; and the most zealous vals ; having gorged so often on patriotism votaries of peace and quiet, forget, for awhile, and pudding, and entombed so many great their cherished maxims, and join in the fu- names in their extensive maws, thou wilt rious attack. Toast succeeds toast ; kings, easily conceive that they wax portly apace, emperors, bashaws, are like chaff before the and they fatten on the fame of mighty men, tempest; the inspired patriot vanquishes and that their rotundity, like the rivers, the fleets with a single gun-boat, and swallows lakes, and the mountains of their country, down navies at a draught, until, overpowered must be on a great scale ! Even so, my with victory and wine, he sinks upon the field friend ; and when I sometimes see a portly of battle, dead drunk in his country's cause. alderman, puffing along, and swelling as if Sword of the puissant Khalid ! what a dis- he had the world under his waistcoat, I can- play of valour is here ; the sons of Afric are not help looking upon him as a walking hardy, brave, and enterprising, but they can monument, and am often ready to exclaim, achieve nothing like this.

" Tell me, thou majestic mortal, thou breath- Happy would it be if this mania for toast- ing catacomb ! to what illustrious character, ing extended no farther than to the expres- what mighty event, does that capacious car- sion of national resentment. Though we cass of thine bear testimony ?" might smile at the impotent vaporing and But though the enlightened citizens of this windy hyperbole, by which it is distinguished, logocracy eat in honour of their friends, yet yet we could excuse it, as the unguarded they drink destruction to their enemies.—. overflowings of a heart, glowing with national Yea, Asem, woe unto those who are doomed injuries, and indignant at the insults offered to undergo the public vengeance at a public to its country. But, alas, my friend, private dinner. No sooner are the viands removed, resentment, individual hatred, and the illibe- than they prepare for merciless and extermi- ral spirit of party, are let loose on these festive nating hostilities. They drink the intoxi- occasions. Even the names of individuals,

cating juice of the grape, out of little glass of unoffending fellow-citizens, are sometimes — — ;;

SALMAGUNDI. 113 dragged forth to undergo the slanders and the doctrines of the mild Nazarene, who execrations of a distempered herd of revel- preached peace and good will to all mankind

of Mahomet ! how vindictive, who, when he was reviled, lers.* Head reviled not again ; how insatiably vindictive must be that spirit, who blessed those who cursed him, and prayed which can drug the mantling bowl with gall for those who despitefully used and persecuted and bitterness, and indulge an angry passion him ! What, then, can give rise to this un- in the moment of rejoicing ! " Wine," says charitable, this inhuman custom among the their poet, "is like sunshine to the heart, disciples of a master, so gentle and forgiving ? which, under its generous influence, expands It is that fiend Politics, Asem—that baneful with good will, and becomes the very temple fiend, which bewildereth every brain, and of philanthropy. Strange, that in a temple poisons every social feeling ; which intrudes consecrated to such a divinity, there should itself at the festive banquet, and, like the de- remain a secret corner, polluted by the bark- testable harpy, pollutes the very viands of ings of malice and revenge ; strange that in the table ; which contaminates the refreshing the full flow of social enjoyment, these vota- draught while it is inhaled ; which prompts ries of pleasure can turn aside to call down the cowardly assassin to launch his poisoned curses on the head of a fellow-creature. arrows from behind the social board; and

Despicable souls ! ye are unworthy of being which renders the bottle, that boasted promo- citizens of this " most enlightened country ter of good fellowship and hilarity, an infernal under the sun :" rather herd with the mur- engine charged with direful combustion. derous savages who prowl the mountains of Oh, Asem ! Asem ! how does my heart

Tibesti ; who stain their midnight orgies sicken when I contemplate these cowardly with the blood of the innocent wanderer, and barbarities ; let me, therefore, if possible, drink their infernal potations from the sculls withdraw my attention from them for ever. of the victims they have massacred. My feelings have borne me from my subject And yet, trust me, Asem, this spirit of vin- and from the monuments of ancient great- dictive cowardice is not owing to any inherent ness, I have wandered to those of modern depravity of soul, for, on other occasions, I degradation. My warmest wishes remain have had ample proof that this nation is mild with thee, thou most illustrious of slave-dri- and merciful, brave and magnanimous ; nei- vers ; mayest thou ever be sensible of the ther is it owing to any defect in their political mercies of our great prophet, who, in com- or"religious precepts. The principles incul- passion to human imbecility, has prohibited cated by their rulers on all occasions breathe his disciples from the use of the deluding a spirit of universal philanthropy ; and as to beverage of the grape ; that enemy to reason their religion, much as I am devoted to the —that promoter of defamation—that auxi- Koran of our divine prophet, still I cannot liary of politics. but acknowledge with admiration the mild Ever thine, forbearance, the amiable benevolence, the Mustapha.* sublime morality bequeathed them by the founder of their faith. Thou rememberest No. 17. Note by William Wizard, Esq. WEDNESDAY, 11, 1807. * It would seem that in this sentence the sage NOVEMBER Mustapha had reference to a patriotic dinner, cele- AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS.* , brated last fourth of July, by some gentlemen of Bal- timore, when they righteously drank perdition to an BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAEF, ESQ. unoffending individual, and really thought that " they had done the state some service." This amiable cus- When a man is quietly journeying down- tom of * eating and drinking damnation" to others, wards into the valley of the shadow of is not confined to any party ; for a month or two after the fourth of July, the different newspapers file off * In this letter of the sage Mustapha, there are their columns of patriotic toasts against each other, some fine moral reflections : the satirical portion of and take a pride in showing how brilliantly their par- it is, likewise, excellent, and we need scarcely add, is tizans can blackgua. d public characters in their cups susceptible of more extensive application than to the

—.« they do but jest—poison in jest » as Hamlet says. usages of the republic. Edit. 8 114 SALMAGUNDI. departed youth, and begins to contemplate in into some of the secrets of nature,—-so will thty a shortened perspective the end of his pilgri- be the better enabled to enjoy her beauties, mage, he becomes more solicitous than ever with the zest of connoisseurs, and derive at that the remainder of his wayfaring should least as much information from my pages, be smooth and pleasant, and the evening of as from the weather-wise lore of the alma- his life, like the evening of a summer's day, nack. fade away in mild uninterrupted serenity. If Much of my recreation, since I retreated haply his heart has escaped uninjured through to the Hall, has consisted in making little the dangers of a seductive world, it may then excursions through the neighbourhood, which administer to the purest of his felicities, and abounds in the variety of wild, romantic, its chords vibrate more musically for the and luxuriant landscape that generally cha- trials they have sustained—like the viol, racterizes the scenery in the vicinity of our which yields a melody sweet in proportion to rivers. There is not an eminence within a its age. circuit of many miles but commands an ex- To a mind thus temperately harmonized, tensive range of diversified and enchanting thus matured and mellowed by a long lapse prospect. of years, there is something truly congenial Often have I rambled to the summit of in the quiet enjoyment of our early autumn, some favourite hill, and, thence, with feelings amid the tranquillities of the country. There sweetly tranquil as the lucid expanse of the is a sober and chastened air of gaiety diffused heavens that canopied me, have noted the over the face of nature, peculiarly interesting slow and almost imperceptible changes that to an old man : and when he views the sur- mark the waning year. There are many rounding landscape withering under his eye, features peculiar to our autumn, and which it seems as if he and nature were taking a give it ,'an individual character : the " green last farewell of each other, and parting with and yellow melancholy " that first steals over a melancholy smile—like a couple of old the landscape—the mild and steady serenity friends who, having sported away the spring of the weather and the transparent purity of and summer of life together, part at the the atmosphere speak, not merely to the approach of winter with a kind of prophetic senses but the heart,—it is the season of fear that they are never to meet again. liberal emotions. To this succeeds fantastic It is either my good fortune or mishap to gaiety, a motley dress, which the woods be keenly susceptible to the influence of the assume, where green and yellow, orange, atmosphere ; and I can feel in the morning, purple, crimson, and scarlet, are whimsically before I open my window, whether the wind blended together—A sickly splendour this ! is easterly. It will not, therefore, I presume, —like the wild and broken-hearted gaiety be considered an extravagant instance of vain- that sometimes precedes dissolution, or that glory when I assert, that there are few men childish sportiveness of superannuated age, who can discriminate more accurately in the proceeding, not from a vigorous flow of ani- different varieties of damps, fogs, Scotch- mal spirits, but from the decay and imbecility mists, and north-east storms, than myself. of the mind. We might, perhaps, be de- To the great discredit of my philosophy ceived by this gaudy garb of nature, were it I confess, I seldom fail to anathematize and not for the rustling of the falling leaf, excommunicate the weather, when it sports which, breaking on the stillness of the scene, too rudely with my sensitive system ; but seems to announce, in prophetic whispers, then I always endeavour to atone therefore, the dreary winter that is approaching. When by eulogizing it when deserving of appro- I have sometimes seen a thrifty young oak bation. And as most of my readers, simple changing its hue of sturdy vigour for a bright, folk ! make but one distinction, to wit, rain but transient glow of red, it has recalled to and sunshine—living in most honest igno- my mind the treacherous bloom that once rance of the various nice shades which distin- mantled the cheek of a friend who is now no guish one fine day from another—I take the more ; and which, while it seemed to promise trouble, from time to time, of letting them a long life of jocund spirits, was the sure SALMAGUNDI. 11!

precursor of premature decay. In a little spirits often indeed draws me from these half- while, and this ostentatious foliage disap- melancholy reveries, and makes me feel pears—the close of autumn leaves but one young again by the enthusiasm with which wide expanse of dusky brown, save where he contemplates, and the animation with some rivulet steals along, bordered with little which he eulogizes the beauties of nature strips of green grass—the woodland echoes displayed before him. His enthusiastic dis- no more to the carols of the feathered tribes position never allows him to enjoy things by that sported in the leafy covert, and its soli- halves, and his feelings are continually break-

tude and silence is uninterrupted except by ing out in notes of admiration and ejaculations the plaintive whistle of the quail, the barking that sober reason might perhaps deem extra-

of the squirrel, or the still more melancholy vagant. But for my part, when I see a hale wintry wind, which rushing and swelling hearty old man, who has jostled through the through the hollows of the mountains, sighs rough path of the world, without having

through the leafless branches of the grove, worn away the fine edge of his feelings, or

and seems to mourn the desolation of the blunted his sensibility to natural and moral year. beauty, I compare him to the ever-green of

To one who, like myself, is fond of draw- the forest, whose colours, instead of fading ing comparisons between the different divi- at the approach of winter, seem to assume sions of life, and those of the seasons, there additional lustre when contrasted with the will appear a striking analogy which connects surrounding desolation.—Such a man is my the feelings of the age with the decline of the friend Pindar; yet sometimes, and particu- year. Often as I contemplate the mild, larly at the approach of evening, even he will uniform, and genial lustre with which the fall in with my humour; but he soon re- sun cheers and invigorates us in the month covers his natural tone of spirits ; and, of October, and the almost imperceptible mounting on the elasticity of his mind, like haze which, without obscuring, tempers all Ganymede on the eagle's wing, he soars to the asperities of the landscape, and gives to the ethereal regions of sunshine and fancy. every object a character of stillness and re- One afternoon we had strolled to the top pose, I cannot help comparing it with that of a high hill in the neighbourhood of the portion of existence, when the spring of Hall, which commands an almost boundless youthful hope, and the summer of the pas- prospect ; and as the shadows began to sions having gone by, reason assumes an lengthen around us, and the distant moun- undisputed sway, and lights us on with tains to fade into mists, my cousin was seized bright, but undazzling lustre, adown the hill with a moralizing fit. f ' It seems to me," of life. There is a full and mature luxuriance said he, laying his hand lightly on my shoul- in the fields that fills the bosom with generous der, " that there is just at this season, and and disinterested content. It is not the this hour, a sympathy between us and the thoughtless extravagance of spring, prodigal world we are now contemplating. The only in blossoms, nor the languid voluptuous- evening is stealing upon nature as well as ness of summer, feverish in its enjoyments, upon us ; —the shadows of the opening day and teeming only with immature abundance have given place to those of its close ; and

—it is that certain fruition of the labours the only difference is, that in the morning of the past—that prospect of comfortable they were before us, now they are behind, and realities which those will be sure to enjoy that the first vanished in the splendours of who have improved the bounteous smiles of noon-day, the latter will be lost in the ob- heaven, nor wasted away their spring and livion of night Our ( May of life,' my dear Bummer in empty trifling or criminal indul- Launce, has for ever fled; our summer is gence. over and gone : —but," continued he, sud- Cousin Pindar, who is my constant com- denly recovering himself, and slapping me panion in these expeditions, and who still gaily on the shoulder,—" but why should possesses much of the fire and energy of youth- we repine ?—What ? though the capricious ful sentiment, and a buxom hilarity of the zephyrs of springy the htats and hurricanes of I 2 ;

HG SALMAGUNDI, summer, have given place to the sober inherited almost all the whim-whams of its sunshine of autumn—and though the woods former possessor. He cherishes a reverential begin to assume the dappled livery of decay ! regard for ponderous tomes of Greek and yet the prevailing colour is still green gay, Latin — — ; though he knows about as much of sprightly green. these languages, as a young Bachelor of " Let us then comfort ourselves with this Arts, does a year or two after leaving Col- reflection ; that though the shades of the lege. A worm-eaten work in eight or ten morning have given place to those of the volumes he compares to an old family, more evening—though the spring is past, the sum- respectable for its antiquity than its splen- mer over, and the autumn come,—still you dour ; —a lumbering folio he considers as a and I go on our way rejoicing ; —and while, Duke; a sturdy quarto, as an Earl; and a like the lofty mountains of our Southern row of gilded duodecimos, as so many gallant America, our heads are covered with snow, Knights of the Garter. But as to modern still, like them we feel the genial warmth of works of literature they are thrust into trunks spring and summer playing upon our bosoms. and drawers, as intruding upstarts, and re- garded with as much contempt as mushroom nobility in England ; who, having risen to BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. grandeur, merely by their talents and ser- vices, are regarded as utterly unworthy to In the description which I gave sometime mingle their blood with those noble currents since, of Cockloft-hall, I totally forgot to that can be traced without a single contami- make honourable mention of the library nation through "a long line of, perhaps, use- which I confess was a most inexcusable over- less and profligate ancestors, up to William the sight ; for in truth it would bear a compari- Bastard's cook, or butler, or groom, or son, in point of usefulness and eccentricity, some one of Rollo's freebooters. with the motly collection of the renowned Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most hero of La Mancha. uncommon complexion, takes great delight

It was chiefly gathered together by my in ransacking the library ; and has been, du-

grandfather ; who spared neither pains nor ring his late sojournings at the Hall, very expense to procure specimens of the oldest, constant and devout in his visits to this recep- most quaint, and insufferable books in the tacle of obsolete learning. He seemed parti- whole compass of English, Scotch, and Irish cularly tickled with the contents of the great

literature. There is a tradition in the family mahogany chest of drawers mentioned in the that the old gentleman once gave a grand en- beginning of this work. This venerable tertainment in consequence of having got piece of architecture has frowned, in sullen possession of a copy of a Philippic, by Arch- majesty, from a corner of the library, time

bishop Anselm, against the unseemly luxury out of mind ; and is filled with musty ma-, of long-toed shoes as worn by the courtiers nuscripts, some in my grandfather's hand-

in the time of William Rufus ; which he writing, and others evidently written long be- purchased of an honest brickmaker in the fore his day. neighbourhood, for a little less than forty It was a sight, worthy of a man's seeing,

times its value. He had undoubtedly, a sin- to behold Will with his outlandish phiz gular reverence for old authors, and his poring over old scrawls that would puzzle a highest eulogiuni on his library was, that it whole society of antiquarians to expound, consisted of books not to be met with in any and diving into receptacles of trumpery,

other collection ; and as the phrase is, en- which, for a century past, had been undis- tirely out of print. The reason of which was, turbed by mortal hand. He would sit for I suppose, that they were not worthy of being whole hours, with a phlegmatic patience un- re-printed. known in these degenerate days, except per- Cousin Christopher preserves these relics adventure, among the High Dutch Commen- with great care, and has added considerably tators, prying into the quaint obscurity ox until his whole face to the collection ; for with the hall he has musty parchments, ;

SALMAGUNDL 117

seemed to be converted into a folio leaf of laugh, can form no idea of the prodigious

black letter ; and occasionally, when the uproaT he makes. To hear him in a forest whimsical meaning of an obscure passage you would imagine, that is to say, if you flashed on his mind, his countenance would were classical enough, that the satyrs and

curl up into an expression of Gothic risi- the dryads had just discovered a pair of rural bility, not unlike the physiognomy of a cab- lovers in the shade, and were deriding, with bage leaf wilting before a hot fire. bursts of obstreperous laughter, the blushes At such times there was no getting Will of the nymph and the indignation of the to join in our walks, or take any part in our swain ; or if it were suddenly, as in the pre- usual recreations ; he hardly gave us an sent instance, to break upon the serene and Oriental tale in a week, and would smoke so pensive silence of an autumnal morning, it inveterately that no one else dared enter the would cause a sensation something like that library under pain of suffocation. This waa which arises from hearing a sudden clap of more especially the case when he encountered thunder in a summer's day, when not a cloud any knotty piece of writing ; and he honestly is to be seen above the horizon. In short, I confessed to me that one worm-eaten manu- recommend Will's laugh as a sovereign re- script, written in a pestilent crabbed hand, medy for the spleen ; and if any of our rea- had cost him a box of the best Spanish cigars ders are troubled with that villanous com- before he could make it out ; and after all, it plaint, which can hardly be, if they make was not worth a tobacco-stalk. Such is the good use of our works,—I advise them earn- turn of my knowing associate ; only let him estly to get introduced to him forthwith. get fairly hi the track of any odd out of the This outrageous merriment of Will's, as way whim-wham, and away he goes, whip may be easily supposed, threw the whole fa- and cut, until he either runs down his game, mily into a violent fit of wondering ; we all, or runs himself out of breath.—I never in with the exception of Christopher, who took my life met with a man who rode his hobby the interruption in high dudgeon, silently horse more intolerably hard than Wizard. stole up to the library ; and bolting in upon One of his favourite occupations for some him, were fain at the first glance to join in time past, has been the hunting of black- his aspiring roar. His face,—but I despair letter, which he holds in high regard ; and to give an idea of his appearance ! —and until he often hints, that learning has been on the his portrait, which is now in the hands of an decline ever since the introduction of the eminent artist, is engraved, my readers must

Roman alphabet. An old book, printed be content : —I promise them they shall one three hundred years ago, is a treasure ; and day or other, have a striking likeness of a ragged scroll, about one half unintelligible, Will's indescribable phiz, in all its native fills him with rapture. Oh S with what en- comeliness. thusiasm will he dwell on the discovery of Upon my inquiring the occasion of his the Pandects of Justinian, and Livy's his- mirth, he thrust an old, rusty, musty, and tory ; and when he relates the pious exertions dusty manuscript into my hand, of which I of the Medici, in recovering the lost treasures could not decipher one word out of ten, with-

of Greek and Roman literature, his eye out more trouble than it was worth. This

brightens, and his face assumes all the splen- task, however, he kindly took off my hands

dour of an illuminated manuscript. and, in little more than eight and forty hours, Will had vegetated for a considerable time produced a translation into fair Roman let-

in perfect tranquillity among dust and cob- ters ; though he assured me it had lost a vast

webs, when one morning as we were gathered deal of its humour by being modernized and on the piazza, listening with exemplary pa- degraded into plain English. In return for tience to one of cousin Christopher's long the great pains he had taken, I could not do stories about the revolutionary war, we were less than insert it in our work. Will in- suddenly electrified by an explosion of laugh- forms me that it is but one sheet of a stupen- ter from the library—My readers, unless dous bundle which still remains uninvestiga- peradvcnture they have heard honest Will ted;—who was the author we \&xc not y** I 3 ; —;

113 SALMAGUNDI. discovered ; hut a note on the back, in my as he accounteth for their being so wonder- grandfather's hand-writing, informs us that ously adroit in pedestrian exercises, by sup- it was presented to him as a literary curiosity posing that they did originally acquire this by his particular friend, the illustrious Rip unaccountable and unparalelled aptitude for Van Dam, formerly lieutenant-governor of huge and unmatchable feats of the leg, by the colony of New Amsterdam ; and whose having heretofore been condemned for their fame if it has never reached these latter days, numerous offences against that harmless race it is only because he was too modest a man of bipeds, or quadrupeds, (for herein the ever to do any thing worthy of being particu- sage Linkum Fidelius appeareth to doubt larly recorded. and waver exceedingly,) the frogs, to ani- mate their bodies for the space of one or two

generations. He also giveth it as his opinion, CHAP. CIX. that the name of Hoppingtots is manifestly Of the Chronicles of the Renoumed and derivative from this transmigration. Be this, Ancient City of Gotham. however, as it may, the matter, albeit it hath been the subject of controversy among the How Gotham city conquered was, learned, is but little pertinent to the subject And how the folk turn'd apes—because.—Link. Fid. of this history ; wherefore shall we treat and

Albeit, much- about this time it did fall consider it as naughte. out that the thrice renowned and delectable Now these people being thereto impelled city of Gotham did suffer great discomfiture, by a superfluity of appetite, and a plentiful and was reduced to perilous extremity, by deficiency of the wherewithal to satisfy the invasion and assaults of the Hoppingtots. same, did take thought that the ancient and These are a people inhabiting a far distant venerable city of Gotham was, peradventure, country, exceedingly pleasaunte and fertile possessed of mighty treasures, and did, more- but they being withal egregiously addicted to over, abound with all manner of fish and migrations do thence issue forth in mighty flesh, and eatables and drinkables, and such swarms, like the Scythians of old, over- like delightsome and wholesome excellencies running divers countries, and commonwealths, withal. Whereupon, calling a council of and committing great devastations whereso- the most active heeled warriors, they did re- ever they do go by their horrible and dreadful solve forthwith to put forth a mighty array, feats and prowesses. They are specially noted make themselves masters of the same, and for being right valorous in all exercises of revel in the good things of the land. To the leg ; and of them it hath been rightly this were they hotly stirred up, and wickedly affirmed that no nation in all Christendom or incited, by two redoubtable and renowned elsewhere, can cope with them in the adroit, warriors, hight Pirouet and Rigadoon; dexterous, and jocund shaking of the heel. ycleped in such sort, by reason that they This engaging excellence doth stand unto were two mighty, valiant, and invincible them a sovereign recommendation, by the little men; utterly famous for the victories which they do insinuate themselves into of the leg which they had, on divers illus- universal favour and good countenance ; and trious occasions, right gallantly achieved. it is a notable fact that, let a Hoppingtot These doughty champions did ambitiously but once introduce a foot into company, and and wickedly inflame the minds of their it goeth hardly if he doth not contrive to countrymen, with gorgeous descriptions, in flourish his whole body in thereafter. The the which they did cunningly set forth the learned Linkum Fidelius, in his famous and marvellous riches and luxuries of Gotham unheard-of treatise on man, whom he de- where Hoppingtots might have garments for fineth with exceeding sagacity, to be a corn- their bodies, shirts to their ruffles, and might cutting, tooth-drawing animal, is particularly riot most merrily every day in the week on minute and elaborate in treating of the na- beef, pudding, and such like lusty dainties tion of the Hoppingtots ; and betrays a little They, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did likewise of the Pythagorean in his theory, inasmuch hold out hopes of an easy conquest ; foras- —

SALMAGUNDI. 119

much as the Gothamites were as yet but to make heel against the invaders, and to put

little versed in the mystery and science of themselves upon such gallant defence, such handling the legs; and being, moreover, glorious array, and such sturdy evolution, like unto that notable bully of antiquity, elevation, and transposition of the foot, as Acbilles, most vulnerable to all attacks on might incontinently impester the legs of the the heel, would doubtless surrender at the Hoppingtots, and produce their complete

very first assault. Whereupon, on the hear- discomfiture. But so it did happen, by ing of this inspiriting council, the Hopping- great mischance, that divers light-heeled tots did set up a prodigious great cry of joy, youth of Gotham, more especially those who shook their heels in triumph, and were all are descended from three wise men so re- impatience to dance on to Gotham and take nowned of yore, for having most venture- it by storm. somely voyaged over sea in a bowl, were The cunning Pirouet, and the arch caitiff from time to time captured and inveigled

Rigadoon, knew full well how to profit by into the camp of the enemy ; where being this enthusiasm. They forthwith did order foolishly cajoled and treated for a season every man to arm himself with a certain with outlandish disports and pleasauntries, pestilent little weapon, called a fiddle ;—to they were sent back to their friends, entirely pack up in his knapsack a pair of silk changed, degenerated, and turned topsy-turvy; breeches, the like of ruffles, a cocked hat the insomuch that they thought thenceforth of form of a half moon, a bundle of cat-gut nothing but their heels, always essaying to and inasmuch as in marching to Gotham, thrust them into the most manifest point of the army might, peradventure, be smitten view;—and, in a word, as might truly be with scarcity of provisions, they did account affirmed, did for ever after walk upon their it proper that each man should take especial heads outright. care to carry with him a bunch of right mer- And the Hoppingtots did day by day, and chantable onions. Having proclaimed these at late hours of the night, wax more and orders by sound of fiddle, they, Pirouet and more urgent in this their investment of the Rigsdoon, did accordingly put their army city. At one time they would, in goodly behind them, and striking up the right jolly procession, make an open assault by sound of and sprightful tune of Ca Ira, away they all fiddle in a tremendous contradance ; —and capered towards the devoted city of Gotham, anon they would advance by little detach- with a most horrible and appalling chattering ments and manoeuvre to take the town by of voices. figuring in cotillons. But truly their most Of their first appearance before the be- cunning and devilish craft, and subtilty, was leagured town, and of the various difficulties made manifest in their strenuous endeavours which did encounter them in their march, to corrupt the garrison, by a most insidious this history saith not ; being that other mat- and pestilent dance called the Waltz. This, ters of more weighty import require to be in good truth, was a potent auxiliary ; for by written. When that the army of the Hop- it were the heads of the simple Gothamites pingtots did peregrinate within sight of most villanously turned, their wits sent a Gotham, and the people of the city did behold wool-gathering, and themselves on the point the villanous, and hitherto unseen capers, of surrendering at discretion, even unto the and grimaces, which they did make, a most very arms of their invading foemen. horrific panic was stirred up among the At length the fortifications of the town

citizens : and the sages of the town fell into began to give manifest symptoms of decay ; great despondency and tribulation, as sup- inasmuch as the breastwork of decency was posing that these invaders were of the race of considerably broken down, and the curtain the Jig-hees, who did make men into baboons work of propriety blown up. When the when they achieved a conquest over them. cunning caitiff Pirouet beheld the ticklish The sages, therefore, called upon all the and jeopardized state of the city—" Now, by dancing men and dancing women, and ex- my leg," quoth he,—he always swore by his

horted them with great vehemency of speech, leg, being that it was an exceeding goodlie ;

120 SALMAGUNDI. leg—"Now by my leg," quoth he, "but the walls in such sort that, albeit there is this is no great matter of recreation ; —I will some show of defence, yet is it manifestly show these people a pretty, strange, and new converted into our interests ?" So saying, he way forsooth, prescntlie, and will shake the made no more ado, but leaping into the air dust off my pumps upon this most obstinate about a flight-shot, and crossing his feet six and uncivilized town." Whereupon he or- times, after the manner of the Hoppingtots, dered, and did command his warriors, one he gave a short partridge run, and with and all, that they should put themselves mighty vigour and swiftness, did bolt out- in readiness, and prepare to carry the town by right over the walls with a somerset. The a grand ball. They, in no wise to be daunted, whole army of Hoppingtots danced in after do forthwith, at the word, equip themselves their valiant chieftain, with an enormous for the assault ; and, in good faith, truly it squeaking of fiddles, and a horrific blasting was a gracious and glorious sight, a most and brattling of horns; insomuch that the triumphant and incomparable spectacle, to dogs did howl in the streets, so hideously behold them gallantly arrayed in glossy and were their ears assailed. The Gothamites shining silk breeches, tied with abundance of made some semblance of defence ; but their riband; with silken hose of the gorgeous women having been all won over into the

colour of the salmon ; —right goodlie morocco interest of the enemy, they were shortly pumps decorated with clasps or buckles of a reduced to make most abject submission most cunninge and secret contrivance, inas- and delivered over to the coercion of certain much as they did of themselves grapple to professors of the Hoppingtots, who did put the shoe without any aid of fluke or tongue them under most ignominious durance, for marvellously ensembling witchcraft and ne- the space of a long time, until they had cromancy. They had, withall, exuberant learned to turn out their toes, and flourish

chitterlings ; which puffed out at the neck their legs after the true manner of their con- and bosom, after a most jolly fashion, like querors. And thus, after the manner I have

unto the beard of an ancient he-turkey ; and related, was the mighty and puissant city of cocked hats, the which they did carry not on Gotham circumvented, and taken by a coup

their heads, after the fashion of the Gotha- de pied ; or, as it might be rendered, by foice mites, but under their arms, as a roasted fowl of legs. his gizzard. The conquerors showed no mercy, but did Thus being equipped, and marshalled, put all ages, sexes and conditions, to the

they do attack, assault, batter and belabour fiddle and the danee ; and, in a word, com-

the town with might and main ; most gal- pelled and enforced them to become absolute lantly displaying the vigour of their legs, and Hoppingtots. "Habit," as the ingenious

shaking their heels at it most emphatically. Linkum Fidelius profoundly affirmeth, " is And the manner of their attack was in this second nature." And thi3 original and in- sort:—first, they did thunder and gallop valuable observation hath been most aptly

forward in a contre temps ;—and anon, dis- proved, and illustrated, by the example of played column in a Cossack dance, a fan- the Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and dango, or a gavot. Whereat the Gothamites, unlucky mischance. In process of time, in no wise understanding this unknown sys- they have waxed to be most flagrant, out-

tem of warfare, marvelled exceedinglie, and rageous, and abandoned dancers ; they do

did open their mouths incontinently, the full ponder on noughte but how to gallantize it at distance of a bow shot, meaning a cross-bow, balls, routs, and fandangoes—insomuch that in sore dismay and apprehension. Where- the like was, and in no time or place, ever

upon, saith Rigadoon, flourishing his left leg observed before. They do, moreover, piti- with great expression of valour, and most fully devote their nights to the jollification of magnific carriage—" My copesmates, for the legs, and their days forsooth to the in-

what wait we here ; are not the townsmen struction and edification of the heel. And to already won to our favour ?—Do not their conclude, their young folk, who, while some women and young damsels wave to us from did bestow a modicum of leisure upon the ;

SALMAGUNDI. 121

improvement of the head, have of late ut- and sometimes at evening gazing, with a look

terly abandoned this hopeless task, and have of sober tranquillity, at the sun as it gradu-

quietly, as it were, settled themselves down ally sunk below the horizon.

•into mere machines, wound up by a tune, The good people of the vicinity beheld

and set in motion by a fiddle-stick ! something prodigiously singular in all this a profound mystery seemed to hang about the stranger which, with all their sagacity, they

No. 18. could not penetrate ; and in the excess of

worldly charity they pronounced it a sure sign 1807. TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, ;" " that he was no better than he should be THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. a phrase innocent enough in itself; but BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. which, as applied in common, signifies nearly every thing that is bad. The young The following story has been handed down people thought him a gloomy misanthrope, by family tradition for more than a century. because he never joined in their sports ; the

It is one on which my cousin Christopher old men thought still more hardly of him be- dwells with more than usual prolixity ; and, cause he followed no trade, nor ever seemed being in some measure connected with a per- ambitious of earning a farthing ; and as to sonage often quoted in our work, I have the old gossips, baffled by the inflexible thought it worthy of being laid before my taciturnity of the stranger, they unanimously readers. decreed that a man who could not or would Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel not talk was no better than a dumb beast.

Cockloft, had quietly settled himself at the The little man in black, careless of their Hall, and just about the time that the gos- opinions, seemed resolved to maintain the sips of the neighbourhood, tired of prying liberty of keeping his own secret ; and the into his affairs, were anxious for some new consequence was, that, in a little while, the tea-table topic, the busy community of our whole village was in an uproar ; for in little little village was thrown into a grand turmoil communities of this description, the mem- of curiosity and conjecture—a situation very bers have always the privilege of being tho- common to little gossiping villages, by the roughly versed, 'ind even of meddlLig in all sudden and unaccountable appearance of a the affairs of each other. mysterious individual. A confidential conference was held one Sun- The object of this solicitude was a little day morning after sermon, at the door of the black looking man, of a foreign aspect, who village church, and the character of the un- took possession of an old building, which known fully investigated. The schoolmaster having long had the reputation of being gave as his opinion that he was the wander- haunted, was in a state of ruinous desolation, ing Jew ; the sexton was certain that he must and an object of fear to all true believers in be a free-mason from his silence : a thiird ghosts. He usually wore a high sugar-loaf maintained, with great obstinacy, that lie hat with a narrow brim, and a little black was a High German doctor, and that the cloak which, short as he was, scarcely reached book which he carried about with him, con- below his knees. sought He no intimacy or tained the secrets of the black art ; but the acquaintance with any one—appeared to take most prevailing opinion seemed to be that he no interests in the pleasures or the little broils was a witch—a race of beings at that time of the village —nor ever talked, except some- abounding in those parts : and a sagacious times to himself in an outlandish tongue. old matron, from Connecticut, proposed to He commonly carried a large book, covered ascertain the fact by sousing him into a kettle with sheepskin, under his arm — appeared of hot water. always to be lost in meditation—and was Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with often met by the peasantry, sometimes watch- wind and tide, and soon becomes certainty. ing the dawning of day, sometimes at noon Many a stormy night was the little man in seated under a tree poring over his volume, black seen by the flashes of lightning, frisk- 122 SALMAGUNDI.

iiig, and curveting in the air upon a broom- The only living creature that seemed to stick; and it was always observed, that at have any care or affection for this deserted those times the storm did more mischief than being, was an old turnspit,—the companion at any other. The old lady in particular, of his lonely mansion and his solitary wan-

who suggested the humane ordeal of the derings ; — the sharer of his scanty meals, boiling kettle, lost on one of these occasions and, soiry am I to say it,—the sharer of his

a fine brindle cow ; which accident was en- persecutions. The turnspit, like his master,

tirely ascribed to the vengeance of the little was peaceable and inoffensive ; never known man in black. If ever a mischievous hireling to bark at a horse, to growl at a traveller, or rode his master's favourite horse to a distant to quarrel with the dogs of the neighbour-

frolic, and the animal was observed to be hood. He followed close at his master's lamed and jaded in the morning,—the little heels when he went out, and when he re- man in black was sure to be at the bottom of turned stretched himself in the sunbeams at

the affair; nor could a high wind howl the door ; demeaning himself in all things through the village at night, but the old wo- like a civil and well disposed turnspit. But men shrugged up their shoulders and observ- notwithstanding his exemplary deportment

ed, " the little man in black was in his he fell likewise under the ill report of the

tantrums." In short he became the bugbear village ; as being the familiar of the little of every house; and was as effectual in man in black, and the evil spirit that pre- frightening little children into obedience and sided at his incantations. The old hovel hystericks, as the redoubtable Kaw-head-and- was considered as the scene of their unhal- bloody -bones himself; nor could a house- lowed rites, and its harmless tenants regard- wife of the village sleep in peace, except ed with a detestation which their inoffensive under the guardianship of a horse-shoe nailed conduct never merited. Though pelted and to the door. jeered at by the brats of the village, and fre-

The object of these direful suspicions re- quently abused by their parents, the little

mained for some time, totally ignorant of the man in black never turned to rebuke them ; and his faithful dog, wantonly as- wonderful quandary he had occasioned ; but when he was soon doomed to feel its effects. An saulted, looked up wistfully in his master's individual who is once so unfortunate as to face, and there learned a iesson of patience

incur the odium of a village, is in a great and forbearance. measure outlawed and proscribed, and be- The movements of this inscrutable being had long been the subject of speculation at comes a mark for injury and insult ; particu- larly if he has not the power or the disposi- Cockloft-hall, for its inmates were full as tion to recriminate.—The little venomous much given to wondering as their descen- passions, which in the great world are dissi- dants. The patience with which he bore his

pated and weakened by being widely diffused, persecutions, particularly surprised them . act in the narrow limits of a country town for patience is a virtue but little known in the with collected vigour, and become rancorous Cockloft family. My grandmother, who, it in proportion as they are confined in their appears, was rather superstitious, saw in

sphere of action. The little man in black this humility nothing but the gloomy sullen- wizard, experienced the truth of this : every mis- ness of a who restrained himself for chievous urchin returning from school, had the present, in hopes of midnight vengeance full liberty to break his windows and this —the parson of the village, who was a man ;

was considered as a most daring exploit ; for of some reading, pronounced it the stubborn in such awe did they stand of him, that the insensibility of a stoic philosopher—my most adventurous schoolboy was never seen grandfather, who, worthy soul, seldom wan- to approach his threshold, and at night dered abroad in search of conclusions, took would prefer going round by the cross-roads, datum from his own excellent heart, and re- where a traveller had been murdered by the garded it as the humble forgiveness of a Indians, rather than pass by the door of his christian* But however different were their forlorn habitation. opinions as to the character of the stranger. ——; !

SALMAGUNDI. 123

they agreed in one particular, namely, in called back his wandering senses, and acted never intruding upon his solitude ; and my like a restorative to his solitary feelings. grandmother, who was at that time nursing He raised his eyes, but they were vacant my mother, never left the room without and haggard ;—he put forth his hand, but it wisely putting the large family hible in the was cold ; he essayed to speak, but the cradle—a sure talisman, in her opinion, sound died away in his throat ; —he pointed against witchcraft and necromancy. to his mouth with an expression of dreadful

One stormy winter night, when a bleak meaning, and sad to relate ! my grandfather north-east wind moaned about the cottages, understood that the harmless stranger, de- and howled around the village steeple, my serted by society, was perishing with hunger I grandfather was returning from club preceded —With the quick impulse of- humanity he by a servant with a lantern. Just as he ar- dispatched the servant to the Hall for refresh- rived opposite the desolate abode of the little ment. A little warm nourishment renovated man in black, he was arrested by the piteous him for a short time, but not long ; it was howling of a dog which, heard in the pauses evident his pilgrimage was drawing to a close, of a storm, was exquisitely mournful ; and and he was about entering that peaceful he fancied now and then, that he caught the asylum, where " the wicked cease from low and broken groans of some one in dis- troubling.'* tress. He stopped for some minutes, hesi- His tale of misery was short and quickly tating between the benevolence of his heart told; — infirmities had stolen upon him, and a sensation of genuine delicacy, which in heightened by the rigours of the season ; he spite of his eccentricity he fully possessed, had taken to his bed without strength to rise and which forbade him to pry into the con- and ask for assistance ; " and if I had," said cerns of his neighbours. Perhaps, too, this he, in a tone of bitter despondency, " to hesitation might have been strengthened by a whom should I have applied ? I have no little taint of superstition ; for surely, if the friend that I know of in the world 3-^-The unknown had been addicted to witchcraft, villagers avoid me as something loathsome this was a most propitious night for his va- and dangerous ; and here, in the midst of garies. At length the old gentleman's phi- christians, should I have perished without a lanthropy predominated ; he approached the fellow being to soothe the last moments of ex- hovel, and pushing open the door,—for po- istence, and close my dying eyes, had not verty has no occasion for locks and keys, the howlings of my faithful dog excited your —beheld^ by the light of the lantern, a attention." scene that smote his generous heart to the He seemed deeply sensible of the kindness core. of my grandfather ; and at one time as he On a miserable bed, with pallid and ema- looked up into his old benefactor's face, a so- ciated visage and hollow eyes ; in a room litary tear was observed to steal adown the destitute of every convenience ; without fire parched furrows of his cheek.—Poor outcast to warm or friend to console him, lay this —it was the last tear he shed ; but I warrant helpless mortal who had been so long the it was not the first by millions ! My grand- terror and wonder Of the village. His dog father watched by him all night. Towards

was crouching on the scanty coverlet, and morning he gradually declined ; and as the shivering with cold. My grandfather stepped rising sun gleamed through the window, he softly and hesitatingly to his bed-side, and begged to be raised in his bed that he might accosted the forlorn sufferer in his usual ac- look at it for the last time. He contemplated cents of kindness. The little man in black it for a moment with a kind of religious en- seemed recalled by the tones of compassion thusiasm, and bis lips moved as if engaged from the lethargy into which he had fallen in prayer. The strange conjectures concern- for, though his heart was almost frozen, there ing him rushed on my grandfather's mind.

was yet one chord that answered to the call " He is an idolater !" thought he, " and is

of the good old man who bent over him ; worshipping the sun i" He listened a mo- the tones of sympathy, so novel to his ear, ment and blushed at his own uncharitable — !;

124 SALMAGUNDI. suspicion ; lie was only engaged in the pious he raised his languid eyes—turned them on devotions of a christian. His simple orison the dog, then on my grandfather ; and hav- being finished, the little man in black with- ing given this silent recommendation—closed drew his eyes from the east, and taking my them for ever. grandfather's hand in one of his, and making . The remains of the little man in black,

a motion with the other towards the sun : notwithstanding the objections of many pious " I love to contemplate it," said he, " 'tis people, were decently interred in the church-

an emblem of the universal benevolence of yard of the village ; and his spirit, harmless

a true christian ; —and it is the most glorious as the body it once animated, has never been work of him who is philanthropy itself!" known to molest a living being. My grand- My grandfather blushed still deeper at his father complied as far as possible with his ungenerous surmises; he had pitied the last request; he conveyed the volumes of

stranger at first, but now he revered him : Linkum Fidelius to his library ; —he pon-

he turned once more to regard him, but his dered over them frequently ; but whether he countenance had undergone a change; the grew wiser, the tradition doth not mention.

holy enthusiasm that had lighted up each This much is certain, that his kindness to feature had given place to an expression of the poor descendant of Fidelius was amply mysterious import;—a gleam of grandeur rewarded by the approbation of his own heart, seemed to steal across his gothic visage, and and the devoted attachment of the old turn- he appeared full of some mighty secret which spit; who," transferring his affection from he hesitated to impart. He raised the tatter- his deceased master to his benefactor, became ed nightcap that had sunk almost over his his constant attendant and was father to a eyes, and waving his withered hand with a long line of runty curs that still flourish in slow and feeble expression of dignity—" In the family. And thus was the Cockloft me," said he, with laconic solemnity,—" In library first enriched by the invaluable folios me you behold the last descendant of the re- of the sage Linkum Fidelius. nowned Linkum Fidelius !" My grandfather

gazed at him with reverence ; for though he had never heard of the illustrious personage, LETTER thus pompously announced, yet there was a FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN certain black-letter dignity in the name that To Asem Hacchem, principal slave-driver to peculiarly struck his fancy and commanded his Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli. his respect. " You have been kind to me," continued Though I am often disgusted, my good vices and absurdities of the the little man in black, after a momentary Asem, with the pause, " and richly will I requite your kind- men of this country, yet the women afford ness by making you heir to my treasures me a world of amusement. Their 'lively In yonder large deal box are the volumes of prattle is as diverting as the chattering of the ; nor can the green-headed my illustrious ancestor, of which I alone am red-tailed parrot them in whim and the fortunate possessor. Inherit them—pon- monkey of Timandi equal these va- der over them, and be wise !" He grew playfulness. But, notwithstanding sorry to observe faint with the exertion he had made, and luable qualifications, I am attention sunk back almost breathless on his pillow. they are not treated with half the animals. His hand, which, inspired with the impor- bestowed on the before-mention parrots in cages and tance of his subject, he had raised to my These infidels put their their women, in- grandfather's arm, slipped from its hold and chain their monkeys; but shut up in harems fell over the side of the bed, and his faithful stead of being carefully abandoned to the direction dog licked it; as if anxious to soothe the last and seraglios, are suffered to run moments of his master and testify his grati- of their own reason, and like other domestic tude to the hand that had so often cherished about in perfect freedom Asem, of treating their him. The untaught caresses of the faithful animals : this comes, beings, and allowing them animal were not lost upon his dying master women as rational SALMAGUNDI. 125 souls. The consequence of this piteous neg- multifarious ideas. But their most impor- lect may easily be imagined ; —they have de- tant domestic avocation is, to embroider, on generated into all their native wildness, are satin or muslin, flowers of a non-descript seldom to be caught at home, and, at an early kind, in which the great art is to make age, take to the streets and highways, where them as unlike nature as possible; or to they rove about in droves, giving almost as fasten little bits of silver, gold, tinsel, and much annoyance to the peaceable people, as glass, on long strips of muslin, which they the troops of wild dogs that infest our great drag after them with much dignity when- cities, or the flights of locusts, that some- ever they go abroad—a fine lady, like a bird times spread famine and desolation over whole of paradise, being estimated by the length regions of fertility. of her tail. This propensity to relapse into pristine But do not, my friend, fall into the enor- wildness, convinces me of the untameable mous error of supposing, that the exercise disposition of the sex, who may indeed be of these arts is attended with any useful or partially domesticated by a long course of profitable result : believe me, thou couldst confinement and restraint, but the moment not indulge an idea more unjust and inju- they are restored to personal freedom, become rious ; for it appears to be an established wild as the young partridge of this country, maxim among the women of this country, which, though scarcely half hatched, will that. a lady loses her dignity when she con- take to the fields and run about with the shell descends to be useful, and forfeits all rank upon its back. « in society the moment she can be convicted of Notwithstanding their wildness, however, earning a farthing. Their labours, there- they are remarkably easy of access, and suffer fore, are directed not towards supplying their themselves to be approached, at certain hours household, but in decking their persons, and of the day, without any symptoms of appre- —generous souls ! —they deck their persons, hension ; and I have even happily succeeded not so much to please themselves, as to gra- in detecting them at their domestic occupa- tify others, particularly strangers. I am tions. One of the most important of these confident thou wilt stare at this, my good consists in thumping vehemently on a kind Asem, accustomed as thou art to our eastern of musical instrument, and producing a con- females, who shrink in blushing timidity fused, hideous, and indefinable uproar, which even from the glances of a lover, and are so they call the description of a battle—a jest, chary of their favours, that they even seem no doubt, for they are wonderfully facetious fearful of lavishing their smiles too profusely at times, and make great practice of passing on their husbands. Here, on the contrary, jokes upon strangers. Sometimes they em- the stranger has the first place in female re- ploy themselves in painting little caricatures gard, and, so far do they carry their hospi- of landscapes, wherein they will display their tality, that I have seen a fine lady slight a singular drollery in bantering nature fairly dozen tried friends and real admirers, who out of countenance—representing her tricked lived in her smiles and made her happiness out in all the tawdry finery of copper skies, their study, merely to alluie the vague and purple rivers, calico rocks, red grass, clouds wandering glances of a stranger, who viewed that look like old clothes set adrift by the her person with indifference, and treated her tempest, and foxy trees, whose melancholy advances with contempt.—By the whiskers foliage, drooping and curling most fantasti- of our sublime bashaw, but this is highly cally, reminds me of an undressed perriwig flattering to a foreigner ! and thou mayest thai I have, now and then, seen hung on a judge how particularly pleasing to one who

stick in a barber's window At other times, is, like myself, so ardent an admirer of the

they employ themselves in acquiring a smat- sex. Far be it from me to condemn this ex- tering of languages spoken by nations on the traordinary manifestation of good will—let other side of the globe, as they find their their own countrymen look to that. own language not sufficiently copious to sup- Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear ply their constant demands, and express their Asem, lest I should be tempted, by these —

12G SALMAGUNDI

beautiful barbarians, to break the faith I owe it a glossy, greasy, and, as they think, very to the three-and-twenty wives, from whom comely appearance. The last mentioned class my unhappy destiny has perhaps severed me of females, I take it for granted, have been

for ever : no, neither — Asem, time, nor the but lately caught, and still retain strong traits bitter succession of misfortunes that pursues of their original savage propensities. me, can shake from my heart the memory of The most flagrant and inexcusable fault, former attachments. I listen with tranquil however, which I find in these lovely savages, heart to the strumming and prattling of these is the shameless and abandoned exposure of fair sirens : their whimsical paintings touch their persons. Wilt thou not suspect me of not the tender chord exaggeration of my affections ; and when I affirm—wilt not thou I would still defy their facinations, though blush for them, most discreet mussulman, they trailed after them trails as long as the when I declare to thee—that they are so lost gorgeous trappings which are dragged at the to all sense of modesty, as to expose the heels of the holy camel of Mecca, or as the whole of their faces from their forehead to tail of the great beast in our prophet's vision, the chin, and they even go abroad with which their measured three hundred and forty-nine hands uncovered ! —Monstrous indeli- leagues, two miles, three furlongs, and a cacy ! hand's breadth in longitude. But what I am going to disclose, will

The dress of these women is, if possible, doubtless appear to thee still more incredible. more eccentric and whimsical than their Though I cannot forbear paying a tribute of

deportment ; and an inordinate pride in cer- admiration to the beautiful faces of these fair

tain ornaments which are probably derived infidels, yet I must give it as my firm opinion, from their savage progenitors. A woman of that their persons are preposterously un-

this country, dressed out for an exhibition, is seemly. In vain did I look around me, on

loaded with as many ornaments as a Cir- my first landing, for those divine forms of re- cassian slave when brought out for sale.— dundant proportions, which answer to the Their heads are tricked out with little bits of true standard of eastern beauty—not a single horn or shell, cut into fantastic shapes, and fat fair one could I behold among the multi-

they seem to emulate each other in the num- tudes that thronged the streets : the females ber of these singular baubles, like the women that passed in review before me, tripping we have seen in our journeys to Aleppo, who sportively along, resembled a procession of cover their heads with the entire shell of a shadows, returning to their graves at the

tortoise, and, thus equipped, are the envy of crowing of the cock.

all their less fortunate acquaintance. They This meagemess I first ascribed to their also decorate their necks and ears with coral, excessive volubility, for I have somewhere gold chains, and glass beads, and load their seen it advanced by a learned doctor, that the

fingers with a variety of rings ; though, I sex were endowed with a peculiar activity of must confess, I have never perceived that they tongue, in order that they might practise wear any in their noses—as has been affirmed talking as a healthful exercise, necessary to by many travellers. We have heard much of their confined and sedentary mode of life* their painting themselves most hideously, This exercise, it was natural to suppose, and making use of bear's-grease in great would be carried to great excess in a logo- " " profusion—but this I solemnly assure thee, is eracy. Too true," thought I, they have undoubtedly as a misrepresentation ; civilization, no doubt, converted what was meant a having gradually extirpated these nauseous beneficent gift, into a noxious habit, that

practices. It is true, I have seen two or three steals the flesh from their bones and the rose of these females who had disguised their fea- from their cheeks—they absolutely talk them- tures with paint, but then it was merely to selves thin!" Judge then of my surprise give a tinge of red to their cheeks, and did when I was assured, not long since, that this perfection of not look very frightful ; and as to ointment, meagemess was considered the they rarely use any now, except occasionally personal beauty, and that many a lady starved

a little Grecian oil for their hair, which gives herself, with all the obstinate perseverance of ! —

SALMAGUNDI. 127

a pious dervise, into a fine figure !—" Nay sleek as the graceful elephants that range the more," said my informer, u they will often green valley of Abimar.

sacrifice their healths in this eager pursuit of Ever thine, skeleton beauty, and drink vinegar, eat MUSTAPHA. pickles, and smoke tobacco, to keep them- selves within the scanty outlines of the No. 19. fashions."—Faugh ! Allah preserve me from such beauties, who contaminate their pure THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1807. blood with noxious recipes who impiously ; FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR, sacrifice the best gifts of heaven, to a prepos- terous and mistaken vanity. Ere long I shall Having returned to town, and once more not be surprised to see them scarring their formally taken possession of my elbow-chair,

faces like the negroes of Congo, flattening it behoves me to discard the rural feelings, and their noses in imitation of the Hottentots, or the rural sentiments, in which I have for like the barbarians of Ab-al Timar, distorting some time past indulged, and devote myself

their lips and ears out of all natural dimen- more exclusively to the edification of the sions. Since I received this information, I town. As I feel at this moment a chivalric cannot contemplate a fine figure, without spark of gallantry playing around my heart,

thinking of a vinegar cruet ; nor look at a and one of those dulcet emotions of cordiality, dashing belle, without fancying her a pot of which an old bachelor will sometimes enter-

pickled cucumbers ! What a difference, my tain towards the divine sex, I am determined friend, between these shades and the plump to gratify the sentiment for once, and devote beauties of Tripoli,—what a contrast be- this number exclusively to the ladies. I tween an infidel fair one and my favourite would not, however, have our fair readers wife, Fatima, whom I bought by the hun- imagine, that we wish to flatter ourselves

dred weight, and had trundled home in a into their good graces ; devoutly as we adore wheel-barrow them, and what true cavalier does not, and

But enough for the present ; I am pro- heartily as we desire to flourish in the mild mised a faithful account of the arcana of a sunshine of their smiles, yet we scorn to lady's toilette—a complete initiation into the insinuate ourselves into their favour, unless

arts, mysteries, spells and potions, in short it be as honest friends, sincere well-wishers, the whole chemical process, by which she and disinterested advisers. If in the course reduces herself down to the most fashionable of this number they find us rather prodigal of standard of insignificance; together with our encomiums, they will have the modesty

specimens of the strait waistcoats, the lacings, to ascribe it to the excess of their own merits ; the bandages, and the various ingenious if they find us extremely indulgent to their

instruments with which she puts nature to faults, they will impute it rather to the the rack, and tortures herself into a proper superabundance of our good-nature, than to figure to be admired. any servile and illiberal fear of giving

Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! offence. The echoes that repeat to a lover's ear the The following letter of Mustapha falls in song of his mistress are not more soothing exactly with the current of my purpose. As than tidings from those we love. Let thy I have before mentioned that his letters are

answer to my letters be speedy ; and never, I without dates, we are obliged to give them pray thee, for a moment cease to watch over very irregularly without any regard to chro- the prosperity of my house, and the welfare nological order. of my beloved wives. Let them want for The present one appears to have been nothing, my friend, but feed them plentifully written not long after his arrival, and ante- on honey, boiled rice, and water gruel, so cedent to several already published. It is that when I return to the blessed land of more in the familiar and colloquial style than my fathers, if that can ever be, I may find the others. Will Wizard declares he has them improved in size and loveliness, and translated it with fidelity, excepting that he 128 SALMAGUNDI. has omitted several remarks on the waltz, so you must go there and sport your which the honest mussulman eulogizes with whiskers.' great enthusiasm, comparing it to certain Though the matter of sporting my whis- voluptuous dances of the seraglio. Will kers was considerably above my apprehen- regretted exceedingly that the indelicacy of sion, yet I now began, as I thought, to several of these observations compelled their understanl him. I had heard of the war total exclusion, as he wishes to give all dances of the natives, which are a kind of possible encouragement to this popular and religious institution, and had little doubt amiable exhibition. but that this must be a solemnity of the kind—upon a prodigious great scale Anxious as I am to contemplate these strange LETTER people in every situation, I willingly acceded to his proposal ; and, to be the more at ease, MUSTAPHA KELI FROM RUB-A-DUB KHAN, I determined to lay aside my Turkish dress, and appear in plain garments of the fashion To Muley Helim al Raggi, surnamed the of this country, as is my custom whenever I agreeable Raggamuffin, chief mountebank wish to mingle in a crowd, without exciting and buffo-dancer to his Highness. the attention of the gaping multitude. The numerous letters which I have written It was long after the shades of night had to our friend the slave driver, as well as those fallen, before my friend appeared to conduct to thy kinsman the snorer, and which doubt- me to the assembly. " These infidels," less were read to thee, honest Muley, have in thought I, " shroud themselves in mystery, all probability awakened thy curiosity to and seek the aid of gloom and darkness, to know further particulars concerning the man- heighten the solemnity of their pious orgies." ners of the barbarians, who hold me in such resolving to conduct myself with that decent ignominious captivity. I was lately at one of respect, which every stranger owes to the their public ceremonies, which, at first, per- customs of the land in which he sojourns, plexed me exceedingly as to its object ; but I chastised my features into an expression of as the explanations of a friend have let me sober reverence, and stretched my face into a somewhat into the secret, and as it seems to degree of longitude suitable to the ceremony bear no small analogy to thy profession, a I was about to witness. Spite of myself, I description of it may contribute to thy felt an emotion of awe stealing over my amusement, if not to thy instruction. senses as I approached the majestic pile. My A few days since, just as I had finished my imagination pictured something similar to a coffee, and was perfuming my whiskers pre- descent into the cave of Dom -Daniel, where paratory to a morning walk, I was waited the necromancers of the east are taught their upon by an inhabitant of this place, a gay infernal arts. I entered with the same gravity young infidel, who has of late cultivated my of demeanour that I would have approached acquaintance. He presented me with a the holy temple of Mecca, and bowed my head square bit of painted pasteboard, which, he three times as I passed the threshold—" Head informed me, would entitle me to admittance of the mighty Amrou !" thought I, on being to the city assembly. Curious to know the ushered into a splendid saloon, "What a meaning of a phrase which was entirely new display is here ! surely I am transported to elysium of to me, I requested an explanation ; when my the mansions of the Houris, the friend informed me, that the assembly was a the faithful !"—How tame appeared all the numerous concourse of young people of both descriptions of enchanted palaces in our sexes, who, on certain occasions, gathered Arabian poetry ! wherever I turned my eyes, together to dance about a large room with the quick glances of beauty dazzled my vision, violent gesticulation, and try to out-dress and ravished my heart : lovely virgins flut- each other. " In short," said he, " if you tered by me, darting imperial looks of con-

wish to see the natives in all their glory, quest, or beaming such smiles of invitation, there's no place like the city assembly ;— as did Gabriel when he beckoned our holy — s

SALMAGUNDI; 123 prophet to heaven. Shall I own the weak- they would infallibly put any lady to death, ness of thy friend, good Muley ?—while thus who infringed the laws of the temple. They gazing on the enchanted scene before me, I walked round the room with great solemnity, for a moment forgot my country, and even and, with an air of profound importance and the memory of my three-and -twenty wives mystery, put a little piece of folded paper in faded from my heart ; my thoughts were be- each fair hand, which I concluded were reli- wildered and led astray, by the charms of gious talismans, One of them dropped on these bewitching savages, and I sunk, for a the floor, and I slily put my foot on it, and, while, into that delicious state of mind where watching an opportunity, picked it up unob- the senses, all enchanted, and all striving for served, and found it to contain some unintel- mastery, produce an endless variety of tumul- ligible words, and the mystic number 9.— tuous, yet pleasing emotions. Oh, Muley, What were its virtues I know not, except never shall I again wonder that an infidel that I put it in my pocket, and have hitherto should prove a recreant to the single solitary been preserved from my fit of the lumbago, wife allotted him, when, even thy friend, which I generally have about this season of armed with all the precepts of Mahomet, the year, ever since I tumbled into the well can so easily prove faithless to three-and- of Zim-zim, on my pilgrimage to Mecca. I twenty ! enclose it to thee in this letter, presuming it " Whither have you led me?" said I, at to be particularly serviceable against the length, to my companion, " and to whom do dangers of thy profession. these beautiful creatures belong ? certainly Shortly after the distribution of these talis- this must be the seraglio of the grand bashaw mans, one of the high priests stalked into of the city, and a most happy bashaw must the middle of the room with great majesty, he be, to possess treasures which even his and clapped his hands three times : a loud highness of Tripoli cannot parallel." " Have explosion of music succeeded from a number a care," cried my companion, "how you of black, yellow, and white musicians, talk about seraglios, or you'll have all these perched in a kind of cage over the grand gentle nymphs about your ears ; for seraglio entrance. The company were thereupon is a word which, beyond all others, they thrown into great confusion and apparent " abhor : —most of them," continued he, have consternation.—They hurried to and fro no lord and master, but come here to catch about the room, and at length formed them- one—they're in the market, as we term it." selves into little groups of eight persons, "Ah, ha!" said I, exultingly, "then you half male and half female ; —the music really have a fair, or slave market, such as struck into something like harmony, and, in we have in the east, where the faithful are a moment, to my utter astonishment and provided with the choicest virgins of Georgia dismay, they were all seized with what I and Circassia ?—By our glorious sun of Afric, concluded to be a paroxysm of religious, but I should like to select some ten or a frenzy, tossing about their heads in a ludi- dozen wives from so lovely an assemblage ! crous style from side to side, and indulging pray what would you suppose they might be in extravagant contortions of figure ; —now bought for ?" throwing their heels into the air, and anon Before I could receive an answer, my whirling round with the velocity of the attention was attracted by two or three good- eastern idolators, who think they pay a looking middle-sized men, who being dressed grateful homage to the sun by imitating his in black, a colour universally worn in this motions. I expected every moment to see country by the muftis and dervises, I imme- them fall down in convulsions, foam at the diately concluded to be high priests, and was mouth, and shriek with fancied inspiration. confirmed in my original opinion that this As usual the females seemed most fervent in was a religious ceremony. These reverend their religious exercises, and performed them personages are entitled managers, and enjoy with a melancholy expression of feature that unlimited authority in the assemblies, being was peculiarly touching ; but I was highly armed with swords, with which, I am told, gratified by the exemplary conduct of several. K 9 — ;

130 SALMAGUNDI.

male devotees, who, though their gesticula- " And pray," said I, when my astonish- tions would intimate a wild merriment of the ment had a little subsided, " do these musi- feelings, maintained throughont as inflexible cians also toil for amusement, or are they a gravity of countenance as so many monkeys confined to their cage, like birds, to sing for of the island of Borneo at their antics. the gratification of others ? I should think " And pray," said I, " who is the divi- the former was the case, from the animation nity that presides in this splendid mosque ?" with which they flourish their elbows."— so," replied friend, The divinity ! —Oh, I understand—you mean "Not my " they are

the belle of the evening ; we have a new one veil paid, which is no more than just, for I every season.—The one at present in fashion assure you they are the most important per- is that lady you see yonder, dressed in white, sonages in the room. The fiddler puts the with pink ribbons, and a crowd of adorers whole assembly in motion, and directs their

.around her." "Truly," cried I, "this is movements, like the master of a puppet-show, the pleasantest deity I have encountered in who sets all his paste-board gentry kicking jirk fingers. the whole course of my travels ; —so familiar, by a of his There now—look so condescending, and so merry withal ;— at that dapper little gentleman yonder, who why, her very worshippers take her by the appears to be suffering the pangs of disloca-

hand, and whisper in her ear." " My good tion in every limb : he is the most expert mussulman," replied my friend with great puppet in the room, and performs, not so gravity, " I perceive you are completely in much for his own amusement, as for that of an error concerning the intent of this cere- the bye-standers." Just then, the little gen- mony. You are now in a place of public tleman, having finished one of his paroxysms of activity, to .amusement, not of public worship ; —and seemed be looking round for the pretty looking young men you see making applause from the spectators. Feeling my- such violent and grotesque distortions, are self really much obliged to him for his exer- merely indulging in our favourite amuse- tions, I made him a low bow of thanks, but ment of dancing." " I cry your mercy," no body followed my example, which I

exclaimed I, "these then are the dancing thought a singular instance of ingratitude. men and women of the town, such as we have Thou wilt perceive, friend Muley, that the in our principal cities, who hire themselves dancing of these barbarians is totally different

out for the entertainment of the wealthy ; from the science professed by thee in Tripoli but pray, who pays them for this fatiguing the country, in fact, is afflicted by numerous exhibition ?" My friend regarded me for a epidemical diseases, which travel from house moment with an air of whimsical perplexity, to house, from city to city, with the regula- as if doubtful whether I was in jest or in rity of a caravan. Among these, the most earnest—" 'Sblood, man," cried he, " these formidable is this dancing mania, which pre- are some of our greatest people, our fashion- vails chiefly throughout the winter. It at ables, who are merely dancing here for first seized on a few people of fashion, and amusement." Dancing for amusement!— being indulged in moderation was a cheerful exercise but in a little time, quick ad- think of that, Muley ! —thou, whose greatest ; by pleasure is to chew opium, smoke tobacco, vances, it infected all classes of the commu- loll on a couch, and doze thyself into the nity, and became a raging epidemic. The immediately, in their regions of the Houris ! Dancing for amuse- doctors as usual way, instead of devising a remedy, fell together ment ! —shall I never cease having occasion by to laugh at the absurdities of these barba- the ears, to decide whether it was native or rians, who are laborious in their recreations, imported, and the sticklers for the latter

and indolent only in their hours of business ? opinion traced it to a cargo of trumpery from before hunted Dancing for amusement ! —the very idea France, as they had down the makes my bones ache, and I never think of yellow-fever to a bag of coffee from the West

it without being obliged to apply my hand- Indies. What makes this disease the more kerchief to my forehead, and fan myself into formidable, is that the patients seem infa- some degree of coolness. tuated with their malady, abandon themselves —

SALMAGUNDI. 131 to its unbounded ravages, and expose their selves to a habit of heartless dissipation, persons to wintry storms and midnight airs, which preys imperceptibly on the roses of more fatal, in this capricious climate, than the cheek ; which robs the eye of its lustre, the withering Simoom blast of the desert. the mouth of its dimpled smile, the spirits I know not whether it is a sight most of their cheerful hilarity, and the limbs of whimsical or melancholy, to witness a fit of their elastic vigour : —which hurries them off this dancing malady. The lady hops up to in the spring time of existence ; or, if they the gentleman, who stands at the distance of survive, yields to the arms of a youthful about three paces, and then capers back again bridegroom a frame wrecked in the storms of to her place ; —the gentleman of course does dissipation, and struggling with premature the same ; then they skip one way, then they infirmity. Alas, Muley ! may I not as- jump another ; —then they turn their backs cribe to this cause, the number of little old to each other ; —then they seize each other women I meet with in this country, from the and shake hands ; —then they whirl round, age of eighteen to eight-and-twenty ? and throw themselves into a thousand gro- In sauntering down the room, my attention tesque and ridiculous attitudes ; —sometimes was attracted by a smoky painting, which, on one leg, sometimes on the other, and on nearer examination, I found consisted of sometimes on no leg at all : —and this they two female figures crowning a bust with a call exhibiting the graces ! By the nineteen wreath of laurel. " This, I suppose," cried thousand capers of the great mountebank of I, " was some famous dancer in his time ?'" Damascus, but these graces must be some- —" O, no," replied my friend, " he was thing like the crooked backed dwarf Shabrac, only a general."—" Good ; but then he must who is sometimes permitted to amuse his have been great at a cotillon, or expert at a Highness by imitating the tricks of a mon- fiddle-stick—or why is his memorial here ?" key. These fits continue at short intervals —" Quite the contrary," answered my com- from four to five hours, till at last the lady panion, " history makes no mention of his is led off, faint, languid, exhausted, and ever having flourished a fiddle-stick, 01. panting, to her carriage ; —rattles home ; figured in a single dance. You have, no passes a night of feverish restlessness, cold doubt, heard of him : he was the illustrious perspirations, and troubled sleep ; rises late Washington, the father and deliverer of his next morning, if she rises at all ; is nervous, country ; and, as our nation is remarkable petulant, or a prey to languid indifference all for gratitude to great men, it always does day ; a mere household spectre, neither giv- honour to their memory, by placing their ing nor receiving enjoyment ; in the evening monuments over the doors of taverns, or in hurries to another dance ; receives an unna- the corners of dancing-rooms." tural exhilaration from the lights, the music, From thence my friend and I strolled into the crowd, and the unmeaning bustle ; — a small apartment adjoining the grand saloon, flutters, sparkles, and blooms for awhile, where I beheld a number of grave-looking until the transient delirium being past, the persons with venerable grey heads, but with- infatuated maid droops and languishes into out beards, which I thought very unbecom- apathy again ; —is again led off to her car- ing, seated round a table studying hierogly- riage, and the next morning rises to go phics. I approached them with reverence, through exactly the same joyless routine. as so many magi, or learned men, endea-

And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear vouring to expound the mysteries of Egyp-

Raggi, these are rational beings ; nay, more, tian science: several of them threw down their countrymen would fain persuade me money, which I supposed was a reward pro- they have souls ! Is it not a thousand times posed for some great discovery, when pre- to be lamented that beings, endowed with sently one of them spread his hieroglyphics charms that might warm even the frigid heart on the table, exclaimed triumphantly, " two !" all of a dervise ; — with social and endearing bullets and a bragger and swept the powers, that would render them the joy and money into his pocket. He has discovered a hieroglyphics, thought I happy pride of the harem ; —should surrender them- key to the — K 2 132 SALMAGUNDI.

the mortal ! —no doubt his name will be immor- figured at Ballston and quaffed pure talized. Willing, however, to be satisfied, spring, exchanges the sparkling water for I looked round on my companion with an in- still more sparkling champagne, and deserts

quiring eye : he understood me, and inform- the nymph of the fountain, to enlist under, ed me that these were a company of friends, the standard of jolly Bacchus. In short, who had met together to win each other's now is the important time of the year in ?" money, and be agreeable. " Is that all which to harangue the bon-ton reader ; and,

exclaimed I ; " why then, I pray you, make like some ancient hero in front of the battle, way, and let me escape from this temple of to spirit him up to deeds of noble daring, or abominations, or who knows but these peo- still more noble suffering, in the ranks of fa- ple, who meet together to toil, worry, and shionable warfare.

fatigue themselves to death, and give it the Such, indeed, has been my intention ; but name of pleasure—and who win each other's the number of cases which have lately come money by way of being agreeable—may some before me, and the variety of complaints I one of them take a liking to me, and pick have received from a crowd of honest, and my pocket, or break my head in a paroxysm well-meaning correspondents, call for more of hearty good-will !" immediate attention. A host of appeals,, Thy friend, Mustapha. petitions, and letters of advice, are now be-

fore me ; and I believe the shortest way to satisfy my petitioners, memorialists, and ad- BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. visers, will be to publish their letters, as I

Nunc est bibendum, nunc pede libero suspect the object of most of them is merely tellus. Hor. Pulsanda to get into print.

Now is the tyme for wine and myrthful sportes, For daunce and song, and disportes of syche sortes. TO ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. Link. Fid. Sir,—As you appear to have taken to your- The winter campaign has opened. Fashion self the trouble of meddling in the concerns has summoned her numerous legions at the of the beau-monde, I take the liberty of ap- sound of trumpet, tamborine, and drum, pealing to you on a subject, which, though

and all the harmonious minstrelsy of the considered merely as a very good joke, has

orchestra, to hasten from the dull, silent, and occasioned me great vexation and expense. insipid glades and groves, where they have You must know I pride myself on being very

vegetated during the summer ; recovering useful to the ladies—that is, I take boxes from the ravages of the last winter's cam- for them at the theatre, go shopping with paign. Our fair ones have hurried to town them, supply them with boquets, and furnish eager to pay their devotions to this tutelary them with novels from the circulating library. deity, and to make an offering at her shrine In consequence of these attentions I am be-

of the few pale and transient roses they ga- come a great favourite, and there is seldom a thered in their healthful retreat. The fiddler party going on in the city without my hav- rosins his bow—the card-table devotee is ing an invitation. The grievance I have to shuffling her pack—the young ladies are in- mention, is the exchange of hats which takes

dustriously spangling muslins—and the tea- place on these occasions ; for, to speak my party heroes are airing their chapeaux bra$, mind freely, there are certain young gentle- and pease-blossom breeches, to prepare for men who seem to consider fashionable parties

figuring in the gay circles of smiles, and as mere places to barter old clothes : and, I graces, and beauty. Now the fine lady for- am informed, that a number of them manage gets her country friends in the hurry of fa- by this great system of exchange to keep shionable engagements, or receives the sim- their crowns decently covered without their

ple intruder, who has foolishly accepted her hatter suffering in the least by it. thousand pressing invitations, with such po- It was but lately that I went to a private liteness, that the poor soul determines never ball with a new hat, and on returning in the

to come again :—now the gay buck, who eret latter part of the evening and asking for it, —

SALMAGUNDI. 1*13

the scoundrel of a servant, with a broad grin, young as possible, and am always boasting of informed me, that the new hats had been the goodness of my eyes. I beg of you, Mr. dealt out half an hour since, and they were Evergreen, if you have any feeling for your

then on the third quality ; and I was in the contemporaries, to discourage this hermaphro- end obliged to borrow a young lady's beaver dite mode of dress; for really, if the fashion rather than go home with any of the ragged take, we poor bachelors will be utterly at a remnants that were left. loss to distinguish a woman from a man. Now I would wish to know if there is no Pray let me know your opinion, Sir, whether possibility of having these offenders punished a lady who wears a man's hat and spatter-

by law; and whether it would not be ad- dashes before marriage, may not be apt to visable for ladies to mention in their cards of usurp some other article of his dress after- invitation, as a postscript, " Stealing hats wards. and shawls positively prohibited."—At any Your humble servant rate, I would thank you, Mr. Evergreen, to Roderic Worry. discountenance the thing totally, by pub- Dear Mr. Evergreen, lishing in your paper that stealing a hat is no joke. The other night, at Richard the Third, I Your humble Servant, sat behind three gentlemen, who talked very Walter Withers. loud on the subject of Richard's wooing Lady Ann directly in the face of his crimes against correspondent is informed that My the that lady. One of them declared such an police have determined to take this matter unnatural scene would be hooted at in China. into consideration, and have set apart Satur- Pray, Sir, was that Mr. Wizard ? day mornings for the cognizance of fashion- Selina Badger. able larcenies. P. S.—The gentleman I allude to had a Mr. Evergreen, pocket-glass, and wore his hair fastened be- hind by a tortoise shell comb, with two teeth Sir,—Do you think a married woman may wanting. lawfully put her husband right in a story, strangers, when she before knows him to be Mr. Evergrin, in the wrong ? and can any thing authorise a Sir,—.Being a little curious in the affairs of wife in the exclamation of—" Lord, my dear, the toilette, I was much interested by the how can you say so !" sage Mustapha's remarks, in your last num- Margaret Timson. ber, concerning the art of manufacturing a fine lady. I would have you caution your Dear Anthony, fair readers, however, to be very careful in Going down Broadway this morning in a the management of their machinery, as a great hurry, I ran full against an object deplorable accident happened last assembly, which at first put me to a prodigious non in consequence of the architecture of a lady's plus. Observing it to be dressed in a man's figure not being sufficiently strong. In the hat, a cloth over -coat, and spatter-dashes, I middle of one of the cotillons, the company framed my apology accordingly, exclaiming, was suddenly alarmed by a tremendous 44 My dear sir, I ask ten thousand pardons ; crash at the lower end of the room ; and on

I assure you, sir, it was entirely accidental ; crowding to the place discovered that it was pray excuse me, sir," &c. At every one of a fine figure which had unfortunately broken these excuses, the thing answered me with a down from too great exertion in a pigeon- downright laugh ; at which I was not a little wing. By great good luck I secured the surprised, until, on resorting to my pocket- corset, which I carried home in triumph ; glass, I discovered that it was no other than and the next morning had it publicly dis- my old acquaintance Clarir.da Trollop ; I sected, and a lecture read on it at Surgeon's never was more chagrined in my life ; for Hall. I have since commenced a dissertation being an old bachelor, 1 like to appear as on the subject, in which I shall treat of the ! ; ! —

i3i SALMAGUNDI,

superiority of those figures manufactured by men who labour hard to obtain currency in steel, stay-tape, and whalebone, to those formed the fashionable world. I have gone to great by Dame Nature. I shall show clearly that expense in little boots, short vests, and long

the Venus de Medicis has no pretension to breeches : my coat is regularly imported pei beauty of form, as she never wore stays, and stage from Philadelphia, duly insured against her waist is in exact proportion to the rest all risks, and my boots are smuggled from of her body. I shall inquire into the mys- Bond-street. I have lounged in Broadway teries of compression, and how tight a figure with one of the most crooked walking-sticks

can be laced without danger of fainting ;. and I could procure, and have sported a pair of whether it would not be advisable for a salmon-coloured small clothes, and flame- lady, when dressing for a ball, to be attended coloured stockings, at every concert and ball by the family physician, as culprits are when to which I could purchase admission. Being tortured on the rack, to know how much affeared that I might possibly appear to less more nature will endure. I shall prove that advantage as a pedestrian, in consequence of

ladies have discovered the secret of that no- my being rather short and a little bandy, torious juggler, who offered to squeeze himself I have lately hired a tall horse with cropped

into a quart bottle ; and I shall demonstrate, ears and a cocked tail, on which I have joined to the satisfaction of every fashionable reader, the cavalcade of pretty gemmen, who exhibit that there is a degree of heroism in pur- bright stirrups every fine morning in Broad-

chasing a preposterously slender waist at the way, and take a canter of two miles per day, expense of an old age of decrepitude and at the rate of 300 dollars per annum. But, rheumatics. This dissertation shall be pub- Sir, all this expense has been laid out in lished, as soon as finished, and distributed vain, for I can scarcely get a partner at an gratis among boarding-school madams, and assembly, or an invitation to a tea-party. all worthy matrons who are ambitious that Pray, Sir, inform me what more I can do to their daughters should sit straight, move like acquire admission into the true stylish circles, clock-work, and " do credit to their bringing and whether it would not be advisable to up." In the mean time I have hung up the charter a curricle for a month and have my skeleton of the corset in the museum beside a cypher put on it, as is done by certain dashers dissected weasel and a stuffed alligator ; where of my acquaintance. it may be inspected by all those naturalists Yours to serve, who are fond of studying the " human form Malvolio Dubster. divine." Yours, &c. Julian Cognous TEA,_A POEM. FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, P. S.—By accurate calculation I find it is ESQ. dangerous for a fine figure, when full dressed, And earnestly recommended to the attention to pronounce a word of more than three syl- of all Maidens of a certain age. lables. Fine Figure, if in love, may indulge

Old time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth in a gentle sigh ; but a sob is hazardous- From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their youth; Fine Figure may smile with safety, may even Who, by constant attention and wily deceit, venture as far as a giggle but must never risk ; For ever is coaxing some grace to retreat a loud laugh. Figure must never play the And, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach,

The further indulged , will still further encroach. part of a confidante ; as at a tea-party, some Since this " thief of the world" has made off with your five evenings since, a young lady whose un- bloom, paralleled impalpability of waist was the envy And left you some score of stale years in its room- of the drawing-room, burst with an important Has deprived you of all those gay dreams, that would secret, and had three ribs of her corset frac- dance In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance; tured on the spot And has forced you almost to renounce in despair Mr. Evergreen, The hope of a husband's affection and care- Since such is the case, and a case rather hard Sir, —I am one of those industrious gem- Permit one who holds you in special regard, : :; ; ; : — ! ;

SALMAGUNDI. 135

To furnish such hints in your loveless estate And as the fell sisters astonished the Scot, As may shelter your names from distraction and In predicting of Banquo's descendants the lot, hate. Making shadows of kings, and flashes of light. To appear in array Too often our maidens, grown aged I ween, and to frown in his sight, So they conjure up Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen spectres all hideous in hue, slights of man- Which, as shades of their neighbours, are passed in And at times, when annoyed by the kind, review. their mind Work off their resentment—by speaking The wives of our cits of inferior degree, Assemble together in snuff-taking clan, Will soak up repute in a little bohea ; And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan. The potion is vulgar, and vulgar the slang A convention of tattling—a tea-party hight, With which on their neighbours' defects they ha- Which, like meeting of witches, is brewed up at rangue ; night But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong I Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of As our matrons are richer, and rise to souchong. surprise, With hyson—a beverage that's still more refined, With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise in Our ladies of fashion enliven their mind, Like the broomstick whirl'd hsgs that appear And by nods, inuendoes, and hints, and what not, Macbeth, Reputations and tea send together to pot. Each bearing some relic of venom or death, While madam in cambrics and laces arrayed trouble, ; « To stir up the toil and to double the splendid parade, bubble." With her plate and her liveries in That fire may burn, and that cauldron may Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup, When the party commences, all rtarched and all Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. sail glum, Ah, me ! how I groan when with full swelling They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum: Wafted stately along by the favouring gale, They will tell you of cambric, of ribands, of lace, A China ship proudly arrives in our bay, How cheap they were sold—and will name you the Displaying her streamers and blazing away.

place. Oh ! more fell to our port, is the cargo she bears,

They discourse of their colds, and they hem, and Than grenadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : they cough, Each chest is a bombshell thrown into our town And complain of their servants to pass the time off; To shatter repute, and bring character down. Or list to the tale of some doting mamma, Ye Samquas, ye Chinquas, ye Chouquas, so free, How her ten-weeks-old baby will laugh and say taa ! Who discharge on our coast your curs'd quantums of But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul- tea.

More loquacious by far than the draughts of the O ! think, as ye waft the sad weed from your strand, bowl, Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our land. Soon unloosens the tongue and enlivens the mind, As the Upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind. And flies, 'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may fount K rise, That flowed near the far-famed Parnassian mount, So, wherever the leaves of your shrub find their way,

While the steam was inhaled of the sulphuric spring, The social affections soon suffer decay : Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the heart. By its aid she pronounced the oracular will Till the blossoms of love and of friendship depart. That Apollo commanded his sons to fulfil. Ah, ladies, and was it by heaven design 'd, But, alas ! the sad vestal, performing the rite, Appeai*ed like a demon—terrific to sight. Th£tt ye should be merciful, loving, and kind E'en the priests of Apollo averted their eyes, Did it form you like angels, and send you below

And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries. To prophesy peace—to bid charity flow ! But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, And have ye thus left your primeval estate, We return to the dames of the tea-pot once more. And wandered so widely—so strangely of late?

Alas ! the sad cause I too plainly can see In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they roast, These evils have all come upon you through tea ! And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; Curs'd weed, that can make our fair spirits resign Some gentle faux pas or some female mistake, The character mild of their mission divine; Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust, true, stick in the throat, so It would they butter it first Which from female to female for ever is due .' With a little affected good-nature, and cry O ! how nice is the texture—how fragile the frame body regrets the thing I.'» *No deeper than Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair fame !

Our young ladies nibble a good name in play 'Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from the breath As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away And shrinks from the touch as if pregnant with While with shrugs and surmises, the toothless old death. dame, How often, how often, has innocence sigh'd, As she mumbles a crust she will mumble a name. Has beauty been reft of its horour—its pride ;

130 SALMAGCNDI.

Has virtue ..though pure as sn angel of lifrht, huddling every thing into holr* and corners, Been painted as dark as a demon of night, so that if I want to find any particular article, All ofter'd up victims, an auto da fc, it is, in the language of an At the gloomy cabals—the dark orgies of tea ! humble but expressive saying,—" looking for If I, in the remnant that's left me of life, a needle in Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife, a haystack." Not recognizing my visitor, Let me fall, I implore, in the slang-whanger's claw, I demanded by what authority she wished me Where the evil is open, and subject to law a "Happy New-Year?" Her claim was Not nibbled, and mumbled and put to the rack, one of the weakest she could have urged, for By the sly underminings of tea party clack : Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting, I have an innate and mortal antipathy to this

I But spare me ! O spare me, a tea-table toasting custom of putting things to rights : —so giving the old witch a pistareen, 1 desired her forthwith to mount her broomstick, and No. 20. ride off as fast as possible. 25, 1808. MONDAY, JANUARY Of all the various ranks of society the FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. bakers alone, to their immortal honour be it recorded, depart from this practice of making Extremum hunc mihi concede laborum.— Virg. a market of congratulations ; and, in addi- '• Soft you, a word or two before we part." tion to always allowing thirteen to the dozen, In this season of festivity, when the gate do with great liberality, instead of drawing of time swings open on its hinges, and an on the purses of their customers at the New- honest rosy-faced New-Year comes waddling Year, present them with divers large, fair, in, like a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded spiced cakes ; which, like the shield of with good wishes, good humour, and minced Achilles, or an Egyptian obelisk, are adorned pies : —at this joyous era it has been the cus- with figures of a variety of strange animals, tom, from time immemorial, in this ancient that, in their conformation, out-marvel all and respectable city, for periodical writers, the wild wonders of nature. from reverend, grave, and potent essayists This honest grey-beard custom of setting like ourselves, down to the humble but in- apart a certain portion of this good-for- dustrious editors of magazines, reviews, and nothing existence for purposes of cordiality, newspapers, to tender their subscribers the social merriment, and good cheer, is one of compliments of the season ; and when they the inestimable relics handed down to us have slyly thawed their hearts with a little of from our worthy Dutch ancestors. In pe- the sunshine of flattery, to conclude by deli- rusing one of the manuscripts from my cately dunning them for their arrears of sub- worthy grandfather's mahogany chest of scription money. In like manner the carriers drawers, I find the new year was celebrated of newspapers, who undoubtedly belong to with great festivity during that golden age cf the ancient and honourable order of literati, ©ur city, when the reins of government were do regularly at the commencement of the held by the renowned Rip Van Dam, who year, salute their patrons with abundance of always did honour to the season by seeing out excellent advice, conveyed in exceeding good the old year ; a ceremony which consisted in poetry, for which the aforesaid good-natured plying his guests with bumpers, until not patrons are well pleased to pay them exactly one of them was capable of seeing. " Truly," twenty-five cents. In walking the streets I observes my grandfather, who was generally am every day saluted with good wishes from of these parties—" Truly, he was a most old grey-headed negroes, whom I never recol- stately and magnificent burgomaster ! inas- lect to have seen before ; and it was but much as he did right lustily carouse it with a few days ago, that I was called out to his friends about new-year; roasting huge receive the compliments of an ugly old quantities of turkeys ; baking innumerable

woman, who last spring was employed by minced pies ; and smacking the lips of all Mrs. Cockloft to whitewash my room, and fair ladies the which he did meet, with such put things in order; a phrase which, if sturdy emphasis, that the same might have

rightly understood, means little else than been heard the distance of a stone's throw." — —

SALMAGUNDI.

In his days, according to my grandfather, should be cherished, as a stray lamb found in were first invented those notable cakes, hight the wilderness, or a flower blooming among new-year-cookies, which originally were im- thorns and briers. pressed on one side with the honest burly Animated by these sentiments, it was countenance of the illustrious Rip ; and on with peculiar satisfaction I perceived that the the other with that of the noted St. Nicholas, last new-year was kept with more than ordi- vulgarly called Santaclaus : —of all the saints nary enthusiasm. It seemed as if the good in the calendar the most venerated by true old times had rolled back again, and brought Hollanders, and their unsophisticated de- with them all the honest, unceremonious in- scendants. These cakes are to this time given tercourse of those golden days, when people on the first of January to all visitors, together were more open and sincere, more moral, and with a glass of cherry-bounce, or raspberry- more hospitable than now ; when every object brandy. It is with great regret, however, carried about it a charm which the hand of I observe that the simplicity of this venerable time has stolen away, or turned to a defor- usage has been much violated by modern mity ; when the women were more simple, more domestic, pretenders to style ! and our respectable more lovely, and more true ; new-year cookies, and cherry -bounce, elbowed and when even the sun, like a hearty old blade aside by plumb-cake and outlandish-liquors, as he is, shone with a genial lustre unknown in the same way that our worthy old Dutch in these degenerate days : —in short, those families are out-dazzled by modern upstarts, fairy times when I was a mad-cap boy, crowd- and mushroom Cockneys. ing every enjoyment into the present mo-

In addition to this divine origin of new- ment ; —making of the past an oblivion ;_ year festivity, there is something exquisitely of the future a heaven ; and careless of all grateful, to a good-natured mind, in seeing that was " over the hills and far away. ' every face dressed in smiles : —in hearing the Only one thing was wanting to make every oft-repeated salutations that flow spontane- part of the celebration accord with its ancient ously from the heart to the lips ; —in behold- simplicity—The ladies, who, I write it with ing the poor, for once, enjoying the smiles of the most piercing regret, are generally at the plenty, and forgetting the cares which press head of all domestic innovations, most fas- hard upon them, in the jovial revelry of the tidiously refused that mark of good-will, feelings; the young children decked out in that chaste and holy salute which was so their Sunday clothes, and freed from their fashionable in the happy days of Governor only cares, the cares of the school, tripping Rip and the patriarchs. Even the Miss through the streets on errands of pleasure ; Cocklofts, who belonged to a family that is and even the very negroes, those holiday the last entrenchment behind which the man- loving rogues, gorgeously arrayed in cas -off ners of the good old school have retired,

finery, collected in juntos at corners, display- made violent opposition ; and whenever a ing their white teeth, and making the welkin gentleman entered the room, immediately put

ring with bursts of laughter,—loud enough themselves in a posture of defence : —this to crack even the icy cheek of old winter Will Wizard, with his usual shrewdness, in-

There is something so pleasant in all this, sists was only to give the visitor a hint thaf

that I confess it would give me real pain to they expected an attack ; and declares, he behold the frigid influence of modern style has uniformly observed, that the resistance of ladies, cheating us of this Jubilee of the heart ; and those who make the greatest noise bustle, is easily converting it, as it does every other article of and most overcome. This social intercourse, into an idle and unmeaning sad innovation originated with my good aunt ceremony. 'Tis the annual festival of good- Charity, who was as arrant a tabby as ever

of winter, wore whiskers ; and I am not a little afflicted humour : —it comes in the dead when nature is without a charm, when our to find that she has found so many followers, pleasures are contracted to the fire-side, and even among the young and beautiful. where every thing that unlocks the icy fetters of In compliance with an ancient and venera- the heart, and sets the genial current flowing, ble custom, sanctioned by time and our an- — .;

138 SALMAGUNDI. cestors, and more especially by my own Most people, in taking a farewell which inclinations, I will take this opportunity to may perhaps be for ever, are anxious to part salute my readers With as many good wishes, on good terms : and it is usual on such me- as I can possibly spare ; for in good truth, I lancholy occasions for even enemies to shake have been so prodigal of late, that I have but hands, forget their previous quarrels, and few remaining. I should have offered my bury all former animosities in parting regrets. congratulations sooner ; but to be candid, Now because most people do this, I am having made the last new-year's campaign, determined to act in quite a different way ;— according to custom, under cousin Christo- for as I have lived, so should I wish to die, pher, in which I have seen some pretty hard in my own way, without imitating any per- service, my head has been somewhat out of son, whatever may be his rank, talents, or order of late, and my intellects rather cloudy reputation. Besides, if I know our trio, we for clear writing. Besides, I may allege as have no enmities to obliterate, no hatchet to another reason, that I have deferred my greet- bury, and as to all injuries ! —those we have ings until this day, which is exactly one year long since forgiven. At this moment there since we introduced ourselves to the public : is not an individual in the world, not even and surely periodical writers have the same the Pope himself, to whom we have any right of dating from the commencement of personal hostility. But if, shutting their their works, that monarchs have from the eyes to the many striking proofs of good time of their coronation ; or our most puis- nature displayed through the whole course of sant republic, from the declaration of its this work, there should be any persons so independence. singularly ridiculous as to take offence at our These good wishes are warmed into more strictures, we heartily forgive their stupidity than usual benevolence, by the thought that earnestly entreating them to desist from all I am now perhaps addressing my old friends manifestations of ill-humour, lest they should, for the last time. That we should thus cut peradventure, be classed under some one of

off our work in the very vigour of its ex- the denominations of recreants we have felt it istence, may excite some little matter of our duty to hold up to public ridicule. Even wonder in this enlighted community. Now at this moment we feel a glow of parting phi-

though we could give a variety of good rea- lanthropy stealing upon us : —a sentiment of

sons for so doing, yet it would be an ill- cordial good-will towards the numerous hosts natured act to deprive the public of such an of readers that have jogged on at our heels

admirable opportunity to indulge in their during the last year ; and in justice to our-

favourite amusement of conjecture ; so we selves must seriously protest, that if at any generously leave them to flounder in the time we have treated them a little ungently,

smooth ocean of glorious uncertainty. it was purely in that spirit of hearty affec- Besides, we have ever considered it as beneath tion, with which a schoolmaster drubs an persons of our dignity, to account for our unlucky urchin, or a humane muleteer his

movements or caprices ; thank Heaven we recreant animal, at the very moment when are not like the unhappy rulers of this en- his heart is brim -full of loving-kindness. If lightened land, accountable to the mob for this is not considered an ample justification,

our actions, or dependent on their smiles for so much the worse ; for in that case I fear we support : —this much, however, we will say, shall remain for ever unjustified;—a most it is not for want of subjects that we stop desperate extremity, and worthy of every

our career. We are not in the situation of man's commiseration ! poor Alexander the Great who wept, as well One circumstance, in particular, has tickled

indeed he might, because there were no more us mightily as we jogged along ; and that is,

worlds to conquer ; for, to do justice to this the astonishing secrecy with which we have queer, odd, rantipole city, and this whimsical been able to carry on our lucubrations !— country, there is matter enough in them, to Fully aware of the profound sagacity of the keep our risible muscles and our pens going public of Gotham, and their wonderful faculty

until doomsday. of distinguishing a writer by his style, it is SALMAGLNDI. 130 with great self-congratulation we find that that though an author might lawfully, in all suspicion has never pointed to us as the countries, kill himself outright, yet this pri- authors of Salmagundi. Our grey-beard vilege did not extend to the raising himself speculations have been most bountifully at- from the dead, if he was ever so anxious, and all that is left in is to take tributed to sundry smart young gentlemen, him such a case, benefit of the and who, for aught we know, have no beards at the metempsychosis act, revive under a new name and form. all ; and we have often been highly amused, when they were charged with the sin of Far be it, therefore, from us to condemn writing what their harmless minds never ourselves to useless embarrassments, should conceived, to see them affect all the blushing we ever be disposed to resume the guardian- modesty and beautiful embarrassment of de- ship of this learned city of Gotham, and tected virgin authors. The profound and finish this invaluable work, which is yet but penetrating public, having so long been led half completed. We hereby openly and away from truth and nature by a constant seriously declare that we are not dead, but perusal of those delectable histories and intend, if it pleases Providence, to live for romances, from beyond seas, in which human many years to come, to enjoy life with the

souls ; careless nature is for the most part wickedly mangled genuine relish of honest of and debauched, have never once imagined riches, honours, and every thing but a good and with a full this work was a genuine and most authentic name, among good fellows ; expectation of shuffling off the remnant of history ; that the Cocklofts were a real paying scot existence, after the excellent fashion of that family, dwelling in the city ; — laughing. and lot, entitled to the right of suffrage, and merry Grecian, who died holding several respectable offices in the cor- poration As little do they suspect that there TO THE LADIES. is a knot of merry old bachelors seated snugly BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. in the old-fashioned parlour of an old- fashioned Dutch house, with a weathercock Next to our being a knot of independent on the top that came from Holland; who old bachelors, there is nothing on which we amuse themselves of an evening by laughing pride ourselves more highly than upon pos- at their neighbours, in an honest way, and sessing that true chivalric spirit of gallantry, who manage to jog on through the streets of which distinguished the days of king Arthur, our ancient and venerable city, without el- and his valiant knights of the Round-table. bowing or being elbowed by a living soul. We cannot, therefore, leave the lists where When we first adopted the idea of discon- we have so long been tilting at folly, without tinuing this work, we determined, in order to giving a farewell salutation to those noble give the critics a fair opportunity for dissec- dames and beauteous damsels who have tion, to declare ourselves, one and all, abso- honoured us with their presence at the tour- lutely defunct; for it is one of the rare and ney. Like true knights, the only recompense

invaluable privileges of a periodical writer, we crave is the smile of beauty, and the that by an act of innocent suicide he may approbation of those gentle fair ones, whose lawfully consign himself to the grave, and smile and whose approbation far excel all cheat the world of posthumous renown. But the trophies of honour, and all the rewards of

we abandoned this scheme for many substan- successful ambition. True it is that we have tial reasons. In the first place, we care but suffered infinite perils, in standing forth as little for the opinion of critics, who we con- their champions, from the sly attacks of

sider a kind of freebooters in the republic of sundry arch caitiffs, who, in the overflowings

letters ; who, like deer, goats, and divers of their malignity have even accused us of

other graminivorous animals, gain subsistence entering the lists as defenders of the very by gorging upon the buds and leaves of the foibles and faults of the sex. Would that we

young shrubs of the forest, thereby robbing could meet with these recreants hand to hand : them of their verdure, and retarding their they should receive no more quarter than progress to maturity. It also occurred to us, giants and enchanters in romance. ;

lid SALMAGUNDI.

Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, the million and the confusion of man's

here is a glorious occasion to show our skill in superior intellect ; but when on this subject

refuting these illiberal insinuations ; but there we disclaim philosophy, and appeal to the

is something manly and ingenuous, in making higher tribunal of the heart-r—and what heart an honest confession of one's offences when that has not lost its better feelings, would

about retiring from the world ; and so, with- ever seek to repose its happiness on the out any more ado, we doff our helmets, and bosom of one, whose pleasures all lay with- thus publicly plead guilty to the deadly sin of out the threshold of home—who snatched

good nature ; hoping and expecting for- enjoyment only in the whirlpool of dissipa- giveness from our good natured readers, yet tion, and amid the thoughtless and evane-

careless whether they bestow it or not. And scent gaiety of a ball-room. The fair one in this we do but imitate sundry condemned who is for ever in the career of amusement, criminals; who, finding themselves con- may for a while dazzle, astonish, and enter- victed of a capital crime, with great openness tain, but we are content with coldly admiring

and candour, do generally in their last dying and fondly turn from glitter and noise, to

speech make a confession of all their previous seek the happy fire-side of social life, there to

offences, which confession is always read with confide our dearest and best affections. great delight by all true lovers of biography. Yet some there are, and we delight to men- Still, however, notwithstanding our no- tion them, who mingle freely with the world, torious devotion to the gentle sex and our unsullied by its contaminations; — whose indulgent partiality, we have endeavoured, brilliant minds, like the stars of the firma- on divers occasions, with all the polite and ment, are destined to shed their light abroad, becoming delicacy of true respect, to reclaim and gladden every beholder with their ra- them from many of those delusive follies and diance—to withold them from the world

unseemly peccadillos, in which they are un- would be doing it injustice : they are inesti- happily too prone to indulge. We have mable gems, which were never formed to be

warned them against the sad consequences of shut up in caskets ; but to be the pride and encountering our midnight damps and wither- ornament of elegant society. ing wintry blasts—we have endeavoured, We have endeavoured always to discrimi- with pious hand, to snatch them from the nate between a female of this superior order,

wildering mazes of the waltz, and thus rescu- and the thoughtless votary of pleasure ; who, ing them from the arms of strangers, to destitute of intellectual resources, is servilely restore them to the bosoms of their friends dependant on others for every little pittance to preserve them from the nakedness, the of enjoyment—who exhibits herself inces- famine, the cobweb muslins, the vinegar santly amid the noise, the giddy frolic, and cruet, the corset, the stay-tape, the buckram, capricious variety of fashionable assem- and all the other miseries and racks of a fine blages—dissipating her languid affections on figure. But above all, we have endeavoured a crowd—lavishing her ready smiles with in- to lure them from the mazes of a dissipated discriminate prodigality on the worthy, or world, where they wander about, careless of the undeserving—and listening, with equal their value, until they lose their original vacancy of mind, to the conversation of the worth ; and to restore them, before it is too enlightened, the frivolity of the coxcomb, and late, to the sacred asylum of home, the soil the flourish of the fiddle-stick. most congenial to the opening blossom of There is a certain artificial polish a female loveliness—where it blooms and ex- common-place vivacity acquired by perpe- pands in safety, in the fostering sunshine of tually mingling in the beau-monde ; which, maternal affection, and where its heavenly in the commerce of the world, supplies the sweets are best known and appreciated. place of natural suavity and good humour,

Modern philosophers may determine the but is purchased at the expense of all origi- proper destination of the sex they may nal and sterling traits of character. By a assign to them an extensive and brilliant kind of fashionable discipline, the eye is orbit, in which to revolve, to the delight of taught to brighten, the lip to smile, and the —

SALMAGUNDI. 141

whole countenance to emanate with the sem- his eyes, and beheld extended before him, in blance of friendly welcome—while the bosom smiling luxuriance, the fertile regions of

is unwarmed by a single spark of genuine Arabia the Happy. Gently swelling hills, kindness, or good will. This elegant simu- tufted with blooming groves, swept down into lation may be admired by the connoisseur of luxuriant vales, enamelled with flowers of

character, as a perfection of art ; but the heart never withering beauty. The sun, no longer is not to be deceived by the superficial illu- darting his rays with torrid fervour, beamed

sion : it turns with delight to the timid re- with a genial warmth that gladdened and tiring fair one, whose smile is the smile of enriched the landscape. A pure and tempe-

nature ; whose blush is the soft suffusion of rate serenity, an air of voluptuous repose, a

delicate sensibility ; and whose affections, smile of contented abundance, pervaded the unblighted by the chilling effects of dissipa- face of nature, and every zephyr breathed a tion, glow with all the tenderness and purity thousand delicious odours. The soul of the of artless youth. Her's is a singleness of youthful wanderer expanded with delights- mind, a native innocence of manners, and he raised his eyes to heaven, and almost min- a sweet timidity, that steal insensibly upon gled, with his tribute of gratitude, a sigh of

the heart, and lead it a willing captive : regret that he had lingered so long amid the though venturing occasionally among the sterile solitudes of the desert.

fairy haunts of pleasure, she shrinks from With fond impatience he hastened to make

the broad glare of notoriety, and seems to choice of a stream where he might fix his seek refuge among her friends, even from the habitation, and taste the promised sweets of admiration of the world. this land of delight.—But here commenced an

These observations bring to mind a little unforeseen perplexity ; for, though he beheld allegory in one of the manuscripts of the sage innumerable streams on every side, yet not Mustapha, which, being in some measure one could he find which completely answered applicable to the subject of this essay, we his high-raised expectations. One abounded

transcribe for the benefit of our fair readers. with wild and picturesque beauty, but it was

Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, capricious, and unsteady in its course ; some- who people the vast tracts of Arabia Deserta, times dashing its angry billows against the

is a small tribe, remarkable for their habits rocks, and often raging and overflowing its of solitude and love of independence. They banks. Another flowed smoothly along,

are of a rambling disposition, roving from without even a ripple or a murmur ; but its

waste to waste, slaking their thirst at such bottom was soft and muddy, and its current scanty pools as are found in those cheerless dull and sluggish. A third was pure and

plains, and glory in the unenvied liberty they transparent ; but its waters were of a chilling

enjoy. A youthful Arab of this tribe, a coldness, and it had rocks and flints in its simple son of nature, at length growing weary bosom. A fourth was dulcet in its tinklings,

of his precarious and unsettled mode of life, and graceful in its meanderings ; but it had determined to set out in search of some per- a cloying sweetness that palled upon the

manent abode. " I will seek," said he, taste ; —while a fifth possessed a sparkling " some happy region, some generous clime, vivacity, and a pungency of flavour, that

where the dews of heaven diffuse fertility : deterred the wanderer from repeating his

I will find out some unfailing stream ; and, draught. forsaking the joyless life of my forefathers, The youthful Bedouin began to weary

settle on its borders, dispose my mind to with fruitless trials and repeated disappoint- gentle pleasures and tranquil enjoyments, ments, when his attention was suddenly and never wander more." attracted by a lively brook, whose dancing

Enchanted by this picture of pastoral feli- waves glittered in the sun-beams, and whose city, he departed from the tents of his com- prattling current communicated an air of panions ; and having journeyed during five bewitching gaiety to the surrounding land- days, on the sixth, as the sun was just rising scape. The heart of the wayworn traveller in all the splendours of the east, he lifted up beat with expectation ; but on regarding i ; — ;

142 SALMAGUNDI. attentively in its course, he found that it con- beauteous are thy borders; and the grove stantly avoided the embowering shade ; loi- must be a paradise that is refreshed by thy tering with equal fondness, whether gliding meanderings 1" through the rich valley, or over the barren sand ; that the fragrant flower, the fruitful alike fos- shrub, and worthless bramble, were Pendaut opera interrupta. Virg. tered its waves, and that its current by was The work's all aback.—Link. Fid. often interrupted by unprofitable weeds.

With idle ambition it expanded itself beyond " How hard it is," exclaims the divine Con- its proper bounds, and spread into a shallow futse, better known among the illiterate by waste of water, destitute of beauty or utility, the name of Confucius, " for a man to bite and babbling along with uninteresting viva- off his own nose !" At this moment, I, city and vapid turbulence. William Wizard, Esq. feel the full force of The wandering son of the desert turned this remark, and cannot but give vent to my away with a sigh of regret, and pitied a stream tribulation at being obliged, through the which, if content within its natural limits, whim of friend Langstaff, to stop short in my might have been the pride of the valley, and literary career, when at the very point of the object of all his wishes. Pensive, mu- astonishing my country, and reaping the sing, and disappointed, he slowly pursued his brightest laurels of literature. We daily hear now almost hopeless pilgrimage, and had of shipwrecks, of failures and bankruptcies rambled for some time along the margin of a they are trifling mishaps, which, from their gentle rivulet, before he became sensible of frequency, excite but little astonishment or its beauties. It was a simple pastoral stream, sympathy ; but it is not often that we hear which, shunning the noon-day glare, pursued of a man's letting immortality slip through its unobtrusive course through retired and his fingers ; and when he does meet with such tranquil vales ; now dimpling among flowery a misfortune, who would deny him the com- banks and tufted shrubbery; now winding fort of bewailing his calamity ? among spicy groves, whose aromatic foliage Next to the embargo, laid upon our com- fondly bent down to meet the limpid wave. merce, the greatest public annoyance is the

Sometimes, but not often, it would venture embargo laid upon our work : in consequence from its covert to stray through a flowery of which the produce of my wits, like that of meadow ; but quickly, as if fearful of being my country, must remain at home ; and my seen, stole back again into its more congenial ideas, like so many merchantmen in port, or shade, and there lingered with sweet delay. redoubtable frigates in the Potomac, moulder

Wherever it bent its course, the face of na- away in the mud of my own brain. I know ture brightened into smiles, and a perennial of few things in this world more annoying spring reigned upon its borders. The war- than to be interrupted in the middle of a blers of the woodland delighted to quit their favourite story, at the most interesting part, recesses and carol among its bowers ; while where one expects to shine ; or to have a con- the turtle-dove, the timid fawn, the soft-eyed versation broken off just when you are about gazel, and all the rural populace, who joy in coming out with a score of excellent jokes, not the sequestered haunts of nature, resorted to one of which but was good enough to m in its vicinity. Its pure transparent waters every fine figure in corsets literally split her rolled over snow-white sands, and heaven sides with laughter. In some such predica- itself was reflected in its tranquil bosom. ment am I placed at present; and I do protest The simple Arab threw himself upon its to you, my good-looking and well-beloved verdant margin ; he tasted the silver tide, and readers, by the chop-sticks of the immortal it was like nectar to his lips; he bounded Josh, I was on the very brink of treating you with transport, for he had found the object of with a full broadside of the most ingenious his wayfaring, " Here," cried he, " will I and instructive essays that your precious nod- with. pitch my tent ; here will I pass my days ; for dles were ever bothered with infinite Ja„ pure, O ! fair stream, is thy gentle current In the first place, I had, SALMAGUNDI, 143 hour and pains, and by consulting the divine blances, synonymes, analogies, coincidences, Plato, Sanconiathon, Appollonius Rhodius, &c. &c, which occur in this -work.

Sir John Harrington, Noah Webster, Lin- I hold it downright plagiarism for any kum Fidelius, and others, fully refuted all author to write, or even to think, in the same those wild theories respecting the first settle- manner with any other writer that either did, ment of our venerable country ; and proved, doth, or may exist. It is a sage maxim of beyond contradiction, that America, so far law, " Ignorantia neminem excusat "—and from being, as the writers of upstart Europe the same has been extended to literature : so denominate it, the new world, is at least as that if an author shall publish an idea that old as any country in existence, not excepting has been ever hinted by another, it shall be Egypt, China, or even the land of the Assini- no exculpation for him to plead ignorance of boils, which, according to the traditions of the fact. All, therefore, that I had to do was that ancient people, has already assisted at to take a good pair of spectacles, or a mag- the funerals of thirteen suns, and four hun- nifying glass, and with Salmagundi in hand dred and seventy thousand moons ! and a table full of books before me, to mouse I had likewise written a long dissertation over them alternately, in a corner of Cock- on certain hieroglyphics discovered on those loft library ; carefully comparing and con- fragments of the moon, which have lately trasting all odd ends, and fragments of sen- fallen, with singular propriety, in a neigh- tences. Little did honest Launce suspect, bouring state, and have thrown considerable when he sat lounging and scribbling in his light on the state of literature and the arts in elbow-chair, with no other stock to draw upon that planet—showing that the universal lan- than his own brain, and no other authority to guage which prevails there is High Dutch consult than the sage Linkum Fidelius !— thereby proving it to be the most ancient and little did he think that his careless, unstudied, original tongue, and corroborating the opinion effusions would receive such scrupulous in- of a celebrated poet, that it is the language vestigation. in which the serpent tempted our grandmother By laborious researches, and patiently col- Eve. lating words, where sentences and ideas did not To support the theatric department I had correspond, I have detected sundry sly dis- several judicious critiques, ready written, guises and metamorphoses, of which, I'll be wherein no quarter was shown either to authors bound, Langstaff himself is ignorant. Thus, or actors ; and I was only waiting to deter- for instance—The Little Man in Black, is mine at what plays or performances they evidently no less a personage than old Goody should be levelled. As to the grand spec- Blake, or Goody Something, filched from the tacle of Cinderella, which is to be represented Spectator, who confessedly filched her from this season, I had given it a most unmerciful Otway's " wrinkled hag, with age grown handling : showing that it was neither tra- double." My friend Launce has taken the gedy, comedy, nor farce—that the incidents honest old woman, dressed her up in the were highly improbable—that the prince cast-off suit worn by Twaits, in Lampedo, played like a perfect harlequin—that the and endeavoured to palm the imposture upon white mice were merely powdered for the the enlightened inhabitants of Gotham—-No occasion—and that the new moon had a most further proof of the fact need be given, than outrageous copper nose. that Goody Blake was taken for a witch ; and

But my most profound and erudite essay the little man in black for a conjurer ; and in embry© is an analytical, hypercritical re- that they both lived in villages, the inha- view of these Salmagundi lucubrations ; which bitants of which were distinguished by a most I had written partly in revenge for the many respectful abhorrence of hobgoblins and broom-

waggish jokes played off against me by my sticks ; to be sure the astonishing similarity confederates, and partly for the purpose of ends here, but surely that is enough to prove

saving much invaluable labour to the Zoi- that the little man in black is no other than luses and Dennises of the age, by detecting Goody Blake in the disguise of a white witch.

and exposing all the similarities, resem- Thus, also, the sage Mustapha, in mis- — ,

144 SALMAGUNDI.

taking a brag-party for a convention of magi " such small deer," and I earnestly pray they

studying hieroglyphics may pretend to origi- may find fit 11 employment for a twelvemonth nality of idea and to a familiar acquaintance to come.

with the black-letter literati of the east ; but . But the most outrageous plagiarisms of this Tripolitan trick will not pass here. I friend Launcelot are those made on sundry refer those who wish to detect his larceny to living personages. Thus: Tom Straddle has one of those wholesale jumbles, or hodge- been evidently stolen from a distinguished podge collections of science, which, like a Brummagem emigrant, since they both ride

tailor's Pandemonium, or a giblet pie, are on horseback ; Dabble, the little great man, receptacles for scientific fragments of all sorts has his origin in a certain aspiring counsellor,

and sizes. The reader, learned in dictionary who is rising in the world as rapidly as the

studies, will at once perceive I mean an ency- heaviness of his head will permit ; mine uncle

clopedia. There, under the title of magi, John will bear a tolerable comparison, part'-- Egypt, cards, or hieroglyphics, I forget cuiarly as it respects the sterling qualities of which, will be discovered an idea similar to his heart, with a worthy, yeoman of West-

that of Mustapha, as snugly concealed as chester county ; and to deck out aunt Charity, truth at the bottom of a well, or the misletoe and the amiable Miss Cocklofts, he has rifled

amid the shady branches of an oak : and it the charms of half the ancient vestals in the

may at any time be drawn from its lurking city. Nay, he has taken unpardonable liber-

place, by those hewers of wood and drawers ties with my own person ! —elevating me on of water, who labour in the humbler walks of the substantial pedestals of a worthy gentle-

criticism. This is assuredly a most unpar- man from China, and tricking me out with donable error of the sage Mustapha, who had claret coats, tight breeches, and silver-sprigged

been the captain of a ketch : and of course, dickeys, in such sort that I can scarcely re- as your nautical men are for the most part cognize my own resemblance— whereas I ab. very learned, ought to have known better. solutely declare that I am an exceeding good- But this is not the only blunder of the grave looking man, neither too tall nor too short, mussulman, who swears by the head of Am- too old nor too young, with a person indif- rou, the beard of Barbarossa, and the sword ferently robust, a head father inclining to be of Khalid, as glibly as our good christian large, an easy, swing in my walk, and that I soldiers anathematize body and soul, or a wear my own hair, neither queued, nor sailor his eyes and odd limbs. Now I so- cropped, nor turned up, but in a fair, pendu-

lemnly pledge myself to the world, that in all lous, oscillating club, tied with a yard of ray travels through the east, in Persia, Ara- nine-penny black riband. bia, China, and Egypt, I never heard man, And now, having said all that occurs to me woman, or child, utter any of those prepos- on the present pathetic occasion—having made

terous and new-fangled asseverations ; and my speech, wrote my eulogy, and drawn my that, so far from swearing by any man's head, portrait—I bid my readers an affectionate

it is considered, throughout the east, the farewell ; exhorting them to live honestly and greatest insult that can be offered to either the soberly—paying their taxes, and reverencing, living or dead to meddle in any shape even the state, the church, and the corporation with his beard.—These are but two or three reading diligently the bible, the almanack, the- specimens of the exposures I would have newspaper, and Salmagundi, which is all the

made ; but I should have descended still reading an honest citizen has occasion for lower, nor would have spared the most insig- and eschewing all spirit of faction, discontent, nificant and, or but, or nevertheless, provided irreligion, and criticism.

I could have found a ditto in the Spectator or Which is all at present,

the dictionary ; but all these minutiae I be- From their departed friend, queath to the Lilliputian literati of this saga- William Wizard. cious community, who are fond of hunting

Printed and Published by J. Limbird, 143, Strand.

LRf JV?8