TOPGUN Jake Gyllenhaal goes on patrol with the LAPD Friday 09.11.12 Friday Lost in Showbiz ZZ Top The Weeknd Peter Bradshaw Alexis Petridis Celebrity voting Beardy surrealists Fuzzy feelings Ben Affl eck’s CIA comedy One Direction’s secret 12A Lost in Showbiz Democrat celebrities come out to celebrate Obama’s victory, but there was little joy over in the Romney camp By Sam Wolfson ost in Showbiz is not a fanan of election weeks. Whenn ththee L boss of the world is beingng chosen, US news networksrks take a brief respite fromm 24-hour coverage of Twilight Breakingkiinng Dawn to return, miserably, to breakingkinng news. The closest we got to seeing a celebrity was downing too many shotshotots of “blue state” punch in our electionon drinking game and briefl y mistakingng Ann Romney for Monster-era Charlizelizee Theron. But within minutes of Ohioo being declared, attention turned backack to vaguely famous people and howw they felt about Obama’s re-election.n. Regular viewers of Fox News willll bee unsurprised to hear that Hollywoodd liberals were all over the lamestreamam media crowing about Obama’s victory.ory. Beyoncé drew a “Take that Mit ches”s” placard. Girls star Lena Dunham, whwhoo had spent the fi nal days of the campaignpaign helping to get out the elusive hipsterter vote, Instagrammed the little blackk dress she went to the polls in. “Sendnd us yours!” responded Huff Po. The results weren’t pretty. But it was Naya Rivera, the cheer-er- leader from Glee, who most poignantlyantly summed up this historic second termrm best, tweeting: “OBAMA!!!! A BOSS always wins. #ShittedOn’Em.” Shittedtted On ’Em – this year’s Yes We Can. Of course, at Lost in Showbiz, there’shere’s nothing we like more than a sore loser. Beyoncé and of [Romney’s] plan to lower taxes”. California came to terms with the Especially delicious was Donald Trump, Lena Dunham Dash’s confusing diatribe suggested passing of Measure B, which will force calling for a march on the White had cause to she voted for Romney to subvert them to wear condoms on set. James House and a revolution in the US, and celebrate; porn expectations that just because she’s an Deen , an adult movie star and the most conservative rocker Ted Nugent, who star James Deen African American single mother who vocal opponent of the law, had already called voters “soulless fools” and (below) was left believes in progressive social politics got the news media into a fl uster before “pimps whores & welfare brats”. feeling blue and thinks Obama is a great leader, the election. American network ABC But we most delighted in Stacey she would automatically vote for him was hot under the collar, describing his Dash, best “known” as Cher’s friend as president. “curly brown hair” and “soft blue eyes” Dionne in 90s teen movie Clueless, In an attempt to heal the wounds while GQ called him “the well-hung whose three-page pdf to US gossip of divisive party politics, Dash at least boy next door”. Good to see there’s website TMZ made the case not only ended with a sentiment that will surely still thorough research being done for Mitt Romney, but for rich people in unite both sides of the aisle: “Ultimately, in journalism. a tight spot everywhere. She began: I know that what Stacey Dash thinks Deen was in a philosophical mood “President Obama will always be re- about who will be the next president of after the vote, but he did raise one of membered as one of the greatest lead- the United States isn’t that important the consequences of the law, perhaps ers this United States of America has in the scheme of things.” It sure unforeseen by voters. “I am not the ever known.” However, she was ham- ain’t, Mitches. correct person to ask exactly what the TIMES/REDUX/EYEVINE HEISLER/NEW YORK TODD strung by her own “considerable in- It was a night not just for blue states law says. But the only way that it can come” and persuaded by “the simplicity but blue movies, as male porn stars in be enforced is if somebody actually COVER 2 The Guardian 09.11.12 On the web Participate in these important debates guardian.co.uk/lostinshowbiz does watch porn. Somebody needs to The party ran over two nights, with of hand when history repeated itself sit there and either review all the con- the themes apparently decided by a and Cocozza got cokey . He was kicked tent that’s being shot, or they need to Bristol uni student just back from their off the show and has since spent his sit on set and verify that people are year abroad. On the fi rst, guests evenings sleeping with an array of actually adhering to this measure ... dressed in full Indian regalia – bindis Z-list reality stars too unfamous That is, as far as I understand, included. On the second, they donned to mention . a $52,000-a-year job.” tailcoats for a Great Gatsby- inspired Finally, though, a reformed There you go, Romney, you could black-tie aff air. Celebrations included Cocozza has made a return to his true get a new position in government a mammoth fi reworks display and a calling, rock’n’roll. This week saw the after all. performance by Diana Ross (for which release of his fi rst single, She’s Got a she was reportedly paid £500,000). If Motorcycle. This, readers who got guests got sleepy, a vintage Rolls-Royce more than level 4 in Key Stage 3 would ferry them to another giant English will understand, isn’t a real Naomi Campbell palace, the fi ve-star Umaid Palace motorcycle, it’s a metaphor, although certainly knows how Hotel, where Campbell forked out for what, Cocozza isn’t sure. At various more than a grand a room. points in the song it’s used to represent to do extravagance The only thing that marred the his penis (“I’ve got a motorcycle, it decadence was the company Campbell feels so delightful”), her lady parts Party people: keeps. In her 90s heyday, she would (“She’s got a motorcycle, why won’t Naomi Cambell have stayed up for the full 48 with she let me ride it?) and, in the song’s and fi ance Robert De Niro and Spike Lee. These thrilling conclusion, an anthro- As you can imagine, Lost in Showbiz Vladimir Doronin days, the most high-profi le guests in- pomorphised Harley-on-Harley tryst gets invited to a lot ooff supposedly cluded Bob Geldof and Sarah Ferguson. (“I knew one day I’d fi ll you up, on my glitzy dos. But for alll tthehe prom-prom- Pictures haven’t emerged yet of Fergie motorcycle”). WHAT? ises of glamour and A-listers,A-listers, in her Indian garb, but the laywers who Lost in Showbiz had hoped that somehow we alwayss end up in deal with Prince Harry’s wardrobe the video, which features Cocozza the function room off a BeBestst malfunctions are on standby. stumbling around with his knees bent Western drinking past-st- like a tramp singing Wonderwall, was its-sell-by-date Red going to be a daydream, with him Stripe and listening waking up at a Shoe Zone checkout. to Kelly Osbourne Frankie Cocozza But it just keeps going, his vocals whingeing. masters the art of the whispier than his facial hair, his face So this week crumpling with every strained note. we praise Naomi sexual metaphor At the end, he rides an IRL motorcycle Campbell for through a wall of fi re. Our hopes throwing a horrify- are raised! But he’s fi ne readers. ingly extravagant Absolutely fi ne. bash: a 50th- birthday party Next, to poetry news. Lost in Showbiz for her fi ance, has spent the week tangled in the vivid Vladimir Doronin, prose of Britain’s most prominent that genuinely lookss as genital wart, Frankie Cocozza. if it cost more than thehe Cocozza, you’ll remember, rose to Olympics. Campbell prominence on last year’s X Factor fl ew guests out on when he pulled down his pants to chartered planes to reveal the tattooed names of eight Jodhpur, where she hhadad girls he had shagged on a holiday rented the Mehrangarharh in Magaluf. Fort, a 15th-century He became Gary Barlow’s favourite palace that sits 400mm contestant – a mini Robbie he could above the city. scold and control. But things got out 09.11.12 The Guardian 3 Hello Richard! I like your new fi lm (1). helpful to him. And then he went and Ooh yes, it’s very good, isn’t it? (2) 30 minutes with... did his season in Stratford and he did Henry V. And my daughter just adored It’s better than I thought it’d be. Richard Briers him. She said: “Come and have a chat That’s exactly what I thought! I with him. He must remember you from thought I wasn’t going to like it at all, The veteran actor may be The Good Life .” We both went round to but I went with the grandchildren and the stage door, had a very nice chat and we had a really good time. killing zombies in his new from that came Malvolio in Twelfth Night in Hammersmith. What attracted you to Cockneys Vs Zombies? fi lm – but don’t, whatever Were you disappointed that he didn’t Well, I don’t often get the chance to fi nd a part for you in Thor ? play someone of my age.