DESPICABLE ME 2 SCRIPT. KIDS: Ooh! Whoa! Whoa, okay! Ta-da! (GRUNTS) Okay, all right. Ta-da! That's enough of Ta-da! Ta... the magic show. Ta-da! MINIONS: Aw! (BOTH GRUNTING) (GASPS) (YELLS) Wait, did you hear that? (CRASHING) It sounded like the twinkling Ta-da! (CHUCKLES) sounds of magical fairy dust. Ta-da! (GASPS) It's the fairy (MUMBLES IN MINIONESE) princess! She's coming! (MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN (ALL GASP) OVER LOUDSPEAKER) (GAS PS) Look! (LAUGHS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) Huh? on! (CHUCKLES) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) Eh'? (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLING) (WHOOPING) (GRUNTING) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) (YELLS) Ow! Huh? (GRUNTING) (BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN) KID: Ow. (GASPS) (GROANS) (YELLS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS AND SIGHS) (YELPS) (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) It is I, Gruzinkerbell, (ALL YELLING) the most magical (GROANING) fairy princess of all! (GROANS) And I am here to SILAS: Three weeks, and we're wish Princess Agnes still no closer to cracking this. a very happy birthday! Right, bring him in! How come you're so fat? Yes, sir. Because This is the best party ever! my house is made of candy, (CHUCKLES) Yeah! and sometimes I eat Ha! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) instead of facing my problems! (SQUEALS) How come you have... (WAILS) (COUGHING) Oh, no! Okay, time for cake. A dragon is approaching! ALL: Yay! (GROANS) (GROANS) (ALL YELL) Thank you, Gruzinkerbell! You're (CHUCKLING) the best fairy princess ever! Fear not, for here come the (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) gallant knights to save us. You are welcome, little girl! KIDS: Yay! I know it's really you, Gru. I'm (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) just pretending for the other kids. No, no, no. What do you Hey there, Gru. Mr. Life of the Party! mean she's not coming? (LAUGHS) I have a backyard full Hello, Jillian. of these little girls So, I'm gonna go who are counting on a visit out on a limb here, from a fairy princess. (GROANS) but my friend Natalie is Hurts! (YELLS) Stop it! recently single, and... Oop. Listen! I don't want a refund, No, no, no, get off the limb right now. I want the fairy princess, No limb. Please, please, (LAUGHS) Come on, I'm begging you. she's a riot! You know what? I hope that She sings karaoke, you can sleep at night, she has a lot of free time, you crusher of looks aren't that little girls' dreams! important to her... AGNES: Ooh, ooh! No, Jills, that is not happening. When's the fairy Seriously, I'm fine. princess coming? Okay, fine, forget Natalie. Any minute now! How about my cousin Linda? Yay! No! Stall them! Oh! Oh! I know someone whose (GRUNTS) husband just died... (CHATTERS m MINIONESE) (YELLS) (GASPS) SILAS: Good afternoon, I'm sorry, Mr. Gru. I did not see you there. Eh. (YELLS) I apologize for our methods Or there. in getting you here. (CHUCKLES) I don't. (CHUCKLES) I'd do it GRU: Kyle? Kyle? again in a heartbeat. Kyle, no! Do not do your I am not gonna lie, business on the petunias! I enjoyed that. There you go. Every second of it. Gave me Those are Fred's, go crazy. a bit of a buzz, actually. Good boy! That's enough, Agent Wilde. LUCY: Mr. Gru? Sorry, sir. (STAMMERING) I didn't... Okay, this is bogus! What? Yes? (CHUCKLES) Hi! Agent Lucy Wilde I don't know who you people of the AVL. think you are, but... Oh, (CHUCKLES) whoops! We are (CLEARS THROAT) the Anti-Villain League. Sorry, you're gonna An ultra-secret organization dedicated have to come with me. to fighting crime on a global scale. Oh, sorry, I... Rob a bank, we're not interested. Freeze ray! Kill someone, not our deal. You know, you really But you want to melt the polar ice should announce caps, or vaporize Mount Fuji, your weapons after or even steal the Moon... you fire them, Mr. Gru. Then we notice. For example... First of all, you got Lipstick taser! no proof that I did that. Oh, it works so good. Second, after I did (GRUNTS) do that, I put it back! Man! We're well aware of that, Large person. Mr. Gru. (GRUNTS) That's why we Oh, sorry. brought you here. (GRUNTING WITH EFFORT) I am the League's director, Get in there... Silas Ramsbottom. Huh? (SNORTS) Bottom. ...you big man! (CHUCKLING) Boss! Hilarious. (SIGHS) (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Agent Wilde? (GRUNTS) Oh, me now? Ah. Uh? Huh! Um, recently, (SCREAMING) an entire top-secret lab Whoa! disappeared from Huh? the Arctic Circle. AN. Whom! Yeah, the entire lab, just... Ooh! (IMITATES WHOOSHING) (YELLING) Gone. Where did it go? (EXCLAIMING IN MINIONESE) I don't care. Oh! Hmm. The lab was Huh? Ah. Quack, quack! devoted to experiments (DUCK QUACKING) involving PX-41, (YELLING) a transmutation serum. (YELLING) What is PX-41, you ask? (BOTH YELLING) Mmm, it's pretty bad. Look. (BOTH GRUNT) (GROANS) (BOTH EXCLAIM AGGRESSIVELY) (YELP) (PEDESTRIANS Ah! EXCLAIMING IN ALARM) (GROWLS) (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (YELLS) (CHANGING RADIO STATIONS) (ALL GROANING) MINIONS: Wow! Huh, you usually don't (HONKING HORN) see that in bunnies. (BOTH SCREAM) As you can see, in the wrong (GRUNTS) hands, the PX-41 serum (GASPS) could be the most devastating What? Where? weapon on Earth. Whoa, foot is asleep. (GRUNTS) Ah, pins and needles! Fortunately, it has a very (GROANS) distinct chemical footprint. And using the latest I was wondering if you... chem-tracking technology, Ew! Gru touched Lisa! we found traces of it Gru touched Lisa! in the Paradise Mall. KIDS: Ew! (SCOFFS) A mall? Lisa's got Gruties! Precisely. And we (KIDS SCREAMING) believe that one of these Scared? Of what? Women? shop owners is (CHUCKLES) No! That's bonkers! a master criminal. I just have no interest in going on And that's where you come in. a date, that's all. Case closed. As an ex-villain, you know how a I'm not scared. villain thinks, how a villain acts. Of women. Or dates. The plan is to set Let's go to bed. you up undercover (KISSES) at a shop in the mall, Good night, Edith. where hopefully... Good night, Margo. Okay, I see Whoa, whoa, whoa. where this is going, Hold the horses. with all the Mission: Who are you texting? Impossible stuff, but no. No! No one. Just my friend Avery. I'm a father now. Avery. (STAMMERING) Avery? Is that And a legitimate businessman. a girl's name or a boy's name? I am developing a line Does it matter? of delicious jams and jellies. No, no, it doesn't (CHUCKLING) matter unless it's a boy! "Jams and jellies"? I know what makes you a boy. Oh, attitude! Uh, ooh, That's right! 'Nu do'? So, thanks, but no thanks. Your bald head. And here's a tip. Instead of Oh, yes. tasing people and kidnapping them, It's really smooth. maybe you should Sometimes I stare at it, and imagine just give them a call! a little chick popping out. Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt. Peep peep peep- Ramsbottom. Good night, Agnes. (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah, Never get older. like that's any better. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) (CHUCKLING) (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Hello. (CHATTERS IN MINIONESE) (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (SINGING IN MINIONESE) Look, I probably shouldn't Hey, oh! be saying this, (CHUCKLES) (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) but your work as a villain Uh... was kind of amazing. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) So, if you ever wanna get back (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Okay, okay. to doing something awesome, (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) give us a call. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (CHANTING IN MINIONESE) (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (YELLING IN MINIONESE) Hey, I told you (GRUNTS) guys to get to bed. Hey, Tim, nice haircut! Oh, sorry. Donnie, hang in there, baby! So, when you going It's almost Friday. on your date? So, how's today's batch, What? Dr. Nefario? Remember, Miss Jillian said she I developed a new formula was arranging a date for you. which allowed me Yeah, well, she is a nut job, to get every known and I'm not going on any date. kind of berry into Why not? Are you scared? one flavor of jelly. (GASPS) (GROANS) Hey, did you guys see (HEAVES) the Moon landing on TV? That tastes good! Yeah, I can't believe it. I love the flavor of that! It's so cool! (SHUDDERS) Excuse me? Lisa? It's horrible, isn't it? I was talking to No, no! Billy the other day. Oh, we're making No way! great progress! He is so cute. Here, try some of this. Ah. (CLEARS THROAT) Hey, Lisa, Mmm. (CHATTERS IN MINIONESE) celebrity do you look like? (MUFFLED MUTTERING) Uh, Bruce Willis. Ah. Mmm, no. (MINIONS SCREAMING) Humpty Dumpty! Whoa. Ooh, Gollum! Okay, just because everybody hates (LAUGHING) it, doesn't mean it's not good! Okay, (CHUCKLING) Listen, GrU. what are you doing'? There's something We're signing you I've been meaning up for online dating! to talk to you Oh, okay. What? No, no, no. about for some time now. Oh, come on. It's fun. What'? What's wrong? And it's time for Um... (CLEARS THROAT) you to get out there. I miss being evil. No! Stop! No one is ever Sinister plots, large-scale getting out there! Ever! crimes, it's what I live for. Oh! Okay, now for I mean, don't you think there's the announcement. more to our future than jelly? I have accepted a new job. Well, I'm also Whoa! Really? considering a line of jams. Yes, I have been recruited Um, the thing is, Gru, by a top-secret agency (INHALES DEEPLY) to go undercover I've had an offer of and save the world! employment elsewhere. You're gonna be a SPY? Dr. Nefario! That's right, baby! Come on, Gru's back in the game. you're kidding, right? With gadgets and weapons and cool cars. It's a great The whole deal. opportunity for me. Awesome! Bigger lab, more evil, Are you really full dental. gonna save the world? (SIGHS) Yes. Yes, I am. Very well. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Let us give you (SPEAKING MINIONESE) the proper send-off. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Minions! (CHUCKLES) (SHOUTING ORDERS IN MINIONESE) (GASPING AND STRUGGLING) The highest honor Ah! awarded to Dr. Nefario Hmm. for your years of service, "Bake My Day." the 21-fart gun salute! Blech. (SHOUTING ORDERS IN MINIONESE) All right, here is the cupcake (COUGHING) recipe I got off the Internet. Uh, I counted 22. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) (CHUCKLES) And don't go nuts Farewell, my friends. with the sprinkles! (SOBBING) (YELLS) This may take a while. (YELLS) Go about your business. (GRUNTING AGGRESSIVELY) I miss you already! (ULULATING) (SINGING IN MINIONESE) Whoa. (DOORBELL RINGS) I wasn't expecting that. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Or was I? (SCREAMS) Ooh. You got a little... (HUMMING) Here, I'll get it. Huh? On. (CHUCKLES) Huh. It's just spreading. Are you sure we All right, all right. should be doing this? I got it! Stop it! Yes, it's for his own good. Oh. (INHALES DEEPLY) Okay, I'll let you get it. we need to choose a picture. (GROANS) AGNES: No. Yeah, what you just Scary. saw there was a little Weird. something new (ALL YELL IN ALARM) I've been working on. What is that? It's a combination of Jujitsu, Good morning, girls! I have Krav Maga, Aztec warfare an announcement to make. and krumping. Hey, what Okay, that's weird. Why are you here? Look away! On assignment from Silas. You, whoo. (CHUCKLES) I'm your new partner. (INHALES DEEPLY) Yay! Anyway, I have to go. It's all settled. What? No, no "yaw" I'll pick them up next week! Ramsbottom didn't say anything Have a good day. Come by about a partner. if you get a chance, okay? Well, it seems that because (GROANS) of your checkered past, And welcome to everyone else the mall family. refused to work with you. (GASPS) But not me. I stepped up. (WHISPERING) El Macho. And I'm new, so I kind of have What? to do what they tell me anyway. But it couldn't be. Walla! What? What couldn't be? Ya! That guy looks exactly like Aah! a villain named El Macho. Do you know this guy? From about 20 years ago. Yes, he's one of my minions. He was ruthless! Oh, I'm sorry. He was dangerous. I should have known. And as the name implies, You are free to go. very macho. Uh? Ah! He had a reputation for pulling off (CHUCKLING) heists using only his bare hands! (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) But sadly, like all the greats, Kampai! El Macho was gone too soon. (KISSES) He died in the most Oh! macho way possible. GRU: Dave... Riding a shark (WHISTLES) with 250 pounds of dynamite Earth to Dave! strapped to his chest Huh? into the mouth of You can leave now. an active volcano! Oh, uh... It was glorious. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Yeah, sounds like GRU: So, what do we got? El Macho's pretty dead. Who's on the list? They never found the body. Fire them at me. Oh, no. First suspect, All that was ever retrieved was Hedda Blumentoft, a pile of singed chest hair. proprietor of Mum's But that face! the Word Floral Shop. It has got to be El Macho! No, not her. (GASPS) Then what do you say you and I Okay, moving on... break into his restaurant? Tonight? Chuck Kinney, Yes, that's good, owner of Stuff-A-Bear. because I am telling you, Ooh. if anybody in this (WAILING) place has the PX-41 serum, I don't think so. it's him. EDUARDO: Hello? (LAUGHING) Buenos dias, my friends! All right, all right, homework done, lam Eduardo Perez, pajamas on, teeth brushed, time for bed. owner of Salsa y Salsa What's the big hurry? restaurant, across the mall. I just have Now open for breakfast. a lot of work to do. And you are? Work, what kind of work? Gru. And this is Lucy. Very important business. And we are closed. So, hugs, kisses. This is just going (KISSES) (GIGGLING) to take un momenta. Good night, sleep tight, don't I am throwing a big let the bedbugs blah-blah-blah. Cinco de Mayo party, Whoa! and I am going to need But you said 200 of your best cupcakes you'd help me practice decorated with my part for the Mexican flag. the Mother's Day show. It looks something like this. (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) Fine, fine. What do you think? Let me hear it. Quickly. LUCY: (GASPS) Ooh. She kisses my boo-boos, GRU: on. she braids my hair. My mother is beyond compare. (HIP HOP PLAYING We love you, ON HEADPHONES) mothers, everywhere. We're stealth ninjas. Wow! That was something else. We make no sound. I really liked the way Right. Gotcha. you smiled at the end. Ya! (swans) Let's try this one more time, All right, El Macho. but a teensy bit less You're going down. like a zombie, okay? Wait! Wait. Okay. What? She kisses my boo-boos, What are you doing? she braids my hair... I'm checking for Perfect! Time to go. laser beam alarm triggers. I don't think I It's a restaurant! should do this. You never know what Well, what do you mean? kind of booby traps Why not? this guy could have set. I don't even have a mom. Huh? Come on. Well, you don't need There are no booby traps. one to do the show. Ha! Booby! I mean, you did (GASPS) the Veterans Day Pageant (CREAKING) and you haven't (CLUCKS) been in combat. Oh. There's a chicken. This is different. (GASPS) Are you lost, Okay, well, then maybe you can little guy? just use your imagination. You must be lost. You mean I Ha! Some guard dog. pretend I have a mom? (SCREAMS) Yes, right? Get it off of me! You can do that, can't you? Get it off of me! Yeah! I do that all the time. Aah! Thanks, Gru! (GRUNTS) Hey! (SINGING JOYFULLY (GRUNTING) IN MINION ESE) (CLUCKS) All right. Hey, hey, I got you! no, no! No. (SCREAMING) Hey. Hey, please. Igor it! Kevin, Jerry, (CLUCKING) watch the girls for me, okay? Ha! Dave, Stuart, come this way! (GASPS) om With me! Come on! (GROANS) What is wrong Come on! with that chicken? Mmm-mmm! Hey, that polio es loco. (DOOR CLOSES) (CHUCKLES) (SINGING RESUMES) No? (WHOOPING AND LAUGHING) Okay, let's go. (SINGING LULLABY) Are you getting anything? (BOTH SIGH) No, not yet. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) But, hey, maybe you can find on! (CHUCKLING) something with these X-ray goggles. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Bah. Mmm-hmm. How are they working? (COUNTING IN MINIONESE) Tell me! Tell me! (CHUCKLING) Aah! Oof! (GRUNTS) Huh? What's wrong? (SHUDDERING) ls something wrong? Qc That's an image I'll never gem' N.! get out of my brain. Blech! (YELPS) I knew it! (SCREAMS) (GASPS) The serum is in here! (MEOWS) Ooh, then let's get it. (CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLING) Looka too! (YE LLS) This is going to be good! Huh? Ah. (YELLS) Ah-ha! (YOWLING) What? (YELLING) (STAMMERING) (MEOWS) Salsa? (SINGING AND WHISTLING Aw, man. JOYFULLY) Oh. Somebody's going in a garbage can? to die tonight. (MOCK CHUCKLING) (GASPS) Pollito! Funny. What did they do to you? Hey! There you are. Pollito? Can you hear me? Oh. Who's this? (CLUCKS) Lucy, these are my girls, Who would do this to such Margo, Edith and Agnes. a sweet little chicken'? Girls, Lucy. Lucy, girls. What? Who's there? Hello. (CRUNCHES) Mmm-mmm. Hi. (GASPS) Are you single? You coming out? Oh! Goodness. Or am I gonna go in? Oh, hey! I have an idea. Since Lucy Yah! and I have lots of work to do, Huh? why don't you girls go and Stop! explore the mall? Bye! (GRUNTS) My eyes! Here is some money, go buy Gru, call one of some useless mall junk. your munchkins! Some headbands and... We've been spotted! Are you gonna marry Lucy? Come get us! Are you out of your gourd? Huh? Hey! No! She just works with me. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Plus, you love her. Ah! (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) You love her! You love her! Hmm, subtle. You really, really love her! Over here! Over here! And you're gonna get married! Over Okay, stop. here. This is a song of lies. Hold tight! And I will be Aah! the ower girl! (CHUCKLING) I don't even like her. I have you now! Now, go have fun! (GROWLS) (GIRLS LAUGHING) (GRU SCREAMING) (GROANS) (IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE) Almost forgot. Hugs! (GASPS) Good luck saving the world. (BOTH GASP) Bye. BOY: Yay! Ice cream! AGNES". Bye, Gnu! Huh? (CHUCKLES) (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Kids, right? They're funny. (ALL SPEAKING MINIONESE) Those girls totally (YELLING IN MINIONESE) adore you. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) I bet you're a fun dad. Huh? (EXCLAIMING NERVOUSLY) Huh. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) I am pretty fun. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Is that stealing? (SCREAMING) Not if my wish was that I would (YELLING) get a lot of free coins. (YELLING IN MINIONESE) Whoa! (GAS PS) (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Cool glasses. (SCREAMS) Oh. LUCY: All right, there he is. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Suspect number eight, I'm Antonio. Floyd Eaglesan. I'm Margo. Oh, okay. I was just going to get a cookie. See if you can get closer. Care to join me? Go, go. Uh, sure. All right. I'm Margo. What the... (CLEARS TH ROAT) Oh, no. That's not good. Um, I'll catch up (GASPS) with you guys later. Whoa! Bye! Hey, uh, what? Can I be Oh! the first to say, "Ew!" (GRUNTING) We gotta go tell Gru! AGNES". Hey, Gnu! All right, I'm going in. Oh, girls! What are you LUCY". if it picks up any traces of the (CHUCKLES) doing here? serum, the sensor in your belt buckle Well, we thought will make a sound like this... we'd come visit you at work. Mes-mam Mae-mam! So, you're saving the world Mee-ma w! Mee-ma w! Okay! Who cares? Let's go. I get it. I get it. (LATIN MUSIC PLAYING) (SINISTER CHUCKLING) (PATRONS CHEERING) Welcome to Eagle Hair Club. MARGO: Whoa! It's about time you showed up, (SIGHS) Mr. Gru. Kids eat free on Tuesdays. (SQUAWKS) Yay, POP! You know my name? MARGO: That's awesome! (SINISTER CHUCKLING) So good to see you again, mi compadre! When someone moves into the mall Ha! Yeah. who is folically-challenged, Oh, I see you have I make it my business already met my father. to know all about them. What? Father? You are bald, and that is bad. Si. Look at this crazy There you go, my sweet. small world we live in, eh? LUCY: I'm getting Come, sit, nothing so far. let me get you something. I think you need (CLUCKING ANGRILY) to move around. Oh, look at you. Heh? (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Wow, this looks interesting. He likes me. (SCREAMS) What is it? Oh, oh! I'm sorry. Pollito I take it you're an art lover? is usually very friendly. LUCY". No serum. He had a rough night. Yeah, not so much. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oh, how about this Well, we really should be going. impressive trinket? Girls, come on. (GASPS) I'd hardly call it That is a pity. a trinket, Mr. Gru. Young love is beautiful, no? LUCY: Nothing. No! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) The International... You know, they're not in love. Yeah, I don't care. They hardly know each other. (YAWN S) You are right, (ELECTRONIC BEEPING) Cabeza de huevo. LUCY". Mee-maw! Mee-maw! They must get to (GRUNT S') know each other better! LUCY". Hold on, I'm picking up something. Antonio, why don't you invite Behind that wall! your girlfriend and her family Ah, and what do we have here? to our Cinco de Mayo party? These are my trial wigs. No, no. You should take one. BOTH'. Si! No, thanks. So, what's on I'm sorry, El Macho? the other side of the wall? Hadn't we Here you are! eliminated him as a suspect Look at me! Focus! after the whole LUCY: Gru? salsa incident? I promise that this wig will Yes, but there has transform you from ugly been a new development, to irresistible. and I'm telling you, AGNES: Margo has a boyfriend! this is the guy. And they're going on a date! You need to Date? Boyfriend? arrest him immediately. What? And his (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) deviously charming son! There she goes! I'm pretty sure that (MARGO CHUCKLING) the son is involved, too. Oh, you're so funny. The son, also! Gross! You got to get the son! Look, they're in love. I think that Oh, no, no, no. the son is the mastermind! Do not say that. No, no, no. There's a look, And my dream is to one day there's a devilish look play video games for a living. in his eyes, Wow. (CHUCKLES) and I don't like it! You're so complicated. Yes, but I don't Margo. really see any evidence. (GAS PS) Evidence, schmevidence. What is going on here? I go with my gut, Oh, Gru, se llama Antonio. and my gut tells me Me I/amo Margo. that this guy is El Macho. Me llama-lama ding-dong. Lock him up, lock up the son. Don't forget about the son. Yes, I hear you. The kid gives me the creeps! (CHUCKLES) Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, so, do you work out? But, on the less (WHISTLES) Well... crazy side of things, (CHUCKLES) I mean, obviously, you Gru discovered traces of the don't, but would you consider it'? serum at Eagle Hair Club! Huh'? Physical fitness is Hmm, interesting. very important to Shannon. Yeah! And you know As you can tell, who made that happen'? Huh? right? Huh? This guy. (GRUNTING) Nailed it. Amazing, right? Ah. No, I mean, sure. But it's I can tell. not him, it is El Macho! Solid. Mr. Gru, please! We are in the restaurant, No! It is him, you know. and I will prove it! Hi. Takeout for Lucy? Gru, come on! Sure, just a sec. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) (BEEPS) He really SHANNON: Your accent thinks it's El Macho. is so exotic. Can you tell? Ah. Well, thank you very much. (GASPS) I know someone who (CALLING IN MINIONESE) can fix that for you. Oh. Whom! And you'll be (SINGING HULA SONG talking normal in no time! IN MINIONESE) (FAKE CHUCKLES) (HOOTING JOYFULLY) Whoo. Is it hot in here? Give me that! How's the food? (GROANS) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Kevin, the Wi-Fi's out! Are you wearing a wig? Kevin? What? Hey, Lance, Ah! I don't think so. where the heck is Kevin? I knew it. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) You're a phony. All right, we need to revisit the I hate phonies! number of vacation days you guys get. Oh, what? I can't find anybody anymore. No. These locks are all mine. JILLIANI Gru, it's Jillian! No, they're not! (GIGGLING) I've got good news! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm I have my friend gonna rip that thing off your head, Shannon here with me. and show everyone what a I was thinking you bald-headed phony you are. two could get some grub. I don't think so, Miss Lady. You know, tear it up, see what happens! (YELPS) (LAUGHS) Hello? Open Up! Hello? Are you... La, la, la, Ia, Ia, Ia, la... LUCY: Hey, Gru. (WHISPERING) Agnes! Agnes, Hello, Lucy. tell Jillian I'm not here. How are you doing? Gru's not here. Wow, looks like your Are you sure? date's out for the count. Yes, he just told me! It's like she's been shot with (CRINGES) a mild moose tranquilizer. Mmm-mmm! (MOANS LIKE A MOOSE) I mean, Yeah, I'm winking because no, he didn'tjust tell me. that's what actually happened. (LAUGHS) Scusi, what's happening here? Agnes, where is Gru? She no like? He's putting on lipstick! Oh, she's just, uh... He's swatting at flies! (CHUCKLING) Oh, ho. No! No! Si, si. (CHUCKLES) Si. He's chopping his head off! Shall we take her home? He's pooping? Oh! I know you're in there, Gru! Well, I think you did it. You just There's no way you're officially had the worst date ever. getting out of this! Huh, tell me about it. SHANNON: I have to tell you, I Don't worry. It can only get was so nervous about tonight. better from here, right? I mean there's just so But if it doesn't, you can many phonies out there! always borrow my dart gun. I've had to use it on Well, it's not definite yet. one or two dates myself. I'm still figuring it out. Yeah, you know, I've already been as far as dates go, working on my accent. I think I'm good Wallaby. Didgeridoo. with just the one. Hugh Jackman. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (CHUCKLES) Well, So, um... Pretty excited. good night, partner. Great. This was fun. Well, good luck. Yes. Surprisingly, it was. Thanks. You, too. Oh, and, uh, Oh! Here. just between you and me? I wanted to give you this. You look much better bald. Your lipstick taser? See you tomorrow. Yeah, it's just a memento. Quack, quack, quack, Just, you know, quack, quack! from the first time we met. (mssnue) Oh. Thank you, Lucy. (IMITATING A WALRUS) SILAS: Agent Wilde. Yay! Well, it looks like So, I take it they need you, so... the date went well? Yeah, I better go. No, it was horrible. Bye, Gru. (CHUCKLES) (DRUMMER EXCLAIMS IN DISMAY) (HUMMING) (WOMEN GRUNTING) High-five! I brought you an umbrella. (IMITATES GUNSHOT) Ah, thank you. Bump it. What are you (GASPS) doing out here? (GASPS) Remember when you (DISPATCH CHATTERING said that I liked Lucy? ON RADIO) Well, it turns out, Mr. Ramsbottom? you're right. Oh, hello. Really? What are you doing here? Yes, but... We got him. Well, she's moving away. Got who? I'm never going Floyd Eaglesan! to see her again. Our agents located a secret Is there anything room in his shop last night I could do to help? and discovered this. Aw, I don't... I don't It's empty, but we found traces think so, sweetheart. of the PX-41 serum in it. Well, is there He's our man. anything you could do? So, somehow, in spite of your Hello, Lucy. This is Gru. incompetence, we solved this one. I know up to this I was framed! point our relationship You won't get away with this! has been Get your mitts off of me! strictly professional, I am a legitimate businessman. and you're leaving for Ah. All right. So what now? Australia and all, but... Well, now you're free to Okay, here is the question. go back to your business. Would you like to... Mmm. Jams and jellies. To go out on a date? And it looks like Uh, no. Agent Wilde will be Okay, that's not helping. transferring to our All right, here we go. Australian branch. For real this time. Australia? (EXHALES) Yes. I can do this. But thank you for everything. Agh! I hate you! And by everything, Ah. of course I mean nothing. (FIRE ALARM RINGING) Toodle pip and cheerio, (BOTH YELLING) Mr. Gru. (IMITATING SIREN) Hey, there. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Hey. (FALLING AND SCREAMING) So, we got him. (YELLING) Yay. That's great. (IMITATING SIREN) And now you're Eh. going to Australia? Kevin? Mmm? (SIGHS) Tom? Say What? Hello! (GASPS) Kampai! Kampai! Would you like some Huh'? Kampai! peanuts or pretzels? (EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY) (GASPS) Bah! (GRU LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) That's a good joke. Oh. I just did a boom boom. Cinco de May-ya-yo! (GASPS) Cinco de May-ya-yo! I really need you to EDITH: Whoa! make a choice, hon. This place is awesome! I choose Gru. Okay. Let's party, huh? (LOUDLY) I choose Gru! But first, Thank you, Gru stewardess! let's go over the rules. You're welcome! Because what is fun Aah! without the rules? You have not lost Agnes, easy on the churros. your touch, my friend. Edith, try not to kill anyone. Ah-ha! I knew it! Hai! You are El Macho! Margo! That's right! Hello, Mr. Gru. Nobody believed me! (GROWLS) Okay. Ho-ho! But I knew Gru! you weren't dead! There must be the standard 6 feet (LAUGHING) of space between you and boys. Of course not. Especially this boy. I merely faked my death. (GASPS) But now, it's time for me (LAUGHS) to make Ah, you are a funny man. a spectacular return to evil. There are no rules, sefior. Doctor, I think it's time we It's Cinco de Mayo. showed Gru what we're up to here. Come on! Dr. Nefario? They're starting the dance! Nice to see you, Gru. IArriba! Wham'? (GRUNTS) (STAMMERS) So, this is your (CHUCKLES) So glad you could new job opportunity? make it, mi compadre. Absolutely. Hey, what's wrong? You're gonna like this. Oh, nothing. EDUARDO: Sorry. Nothing is wrong. I had to borrow some of your minions, I'm just chilling with the but it was for a worthy cause. guac, from my chip hat. Oh! Kevin! Gru, please. I know (GROANS IN DISGUST) that look all too well. No, he's not Kevin anymore. It is the look Now he is an indestructible, of a broken heart. mindless killing machine! How did you know? Bah! Believe me, my friend, Just watch this. I too have spent many nights Bah! trying to drown my And here's the best part! sorrows in guacamole. I got an army of them! You? (ALL GROWLING WILDLY) Yes. Look, look, look! (LAUGHING) But we are survivors. (SQUEALS) There's much more to Bah! us than meets the eye. Soon I will unleash Enjoy the party- them on the world, (TONES PLAYING and if anyone, LA CUCARACHA) anyone tries to stop them... (ELEVATOR BELL DINGING) Yeow! (ATTEMPTING TO PLAY ...their city gets eaten! LA CUCARACHA) We can do it together. (PLAYS WRONG NOTE) Together? (EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE) Together! Huh. I have admired your (YELLING IN AGONY) work for years, amigo. (BELL DINGS) Stealing the Moon! Ah-ha! (LAUGHING) Are you kidding? Ouch! We would be unstoppable! Men like you, men like me. actually El Macho? We should be ruling the world! Cool! So, are you in? No, it is not cool! Woo-how.! Plus, I pretty much Uh, yeah, probably. knew it was him all along, Probably? so if anyone's cool, it's me! I mean, yes, yes! (TV BEEPING) Of course, yes. Gru! I just have a lot Well, Dr. Nefario. going on right now. El Macho's onto you. He knows I just need to get you're working for the A VL. some things off my plate And he's got your partner. before we start taking over Lucy? the world, that's all. That's impossible. Excuse me? She's on her way to Australia! No, forget it. EDUARDO: Nefario? One hundred percent! lam in! Sorry, gotta go! I think... (GASPS) Do you hear that? I do. He's got Lucy? That's Agnes calling Not for long. me from on the surface. Come on, we're Totally in! getting her out of there. You know what? (GROANS) I am not so (LAUGHING EVILLY) convinced that he is in. (MUTTERING) (KIDS CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Edith, Agnes, come on! Ooh! (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Oops, sorry. (MUTTERING) We need to go home now. (GASPS) Where is Margo? What was that? But I didn't get a turn! (MUTTERING RESUMES) Margo! I don't see anything. Come on. We're leaving... (SCREAMS) Hey, what's wrong? (SHRIEKS) Run! I hate boys. My unicorn! Yes. They stink. MARGO: Agnes, no! Uh, sorry. Honey, (SHRIEKS) we got to go. (SCREAMING) Oops! Sorry. (BOTH SCREAM) (GASPS) Come on! Hurry! (CROWING) What's the matter? Ya! (YELLS) Hey! Pollito, (BOTH EXCLAIM IN ALARM) what's the matter? Bah! Oh, hey, Eduardo! Ooh I l. Lucia, I apologize. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Pollito, Kevin! he's usually not like this. (CHUCKLING) The same thing happened the Dr. Nefario! You're back! other day with Gru, and... In the flesh. Oh, well, speaking of Gru, um, Behold, the antidote. have you seen him? Come on. Let's finally put this I really need to talk to him. horrible jelly to some good use. Yes. I think he's Ah!Ah! somewhere around here. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) You two are close, no? (BOTH CHUCKLE) Oh, I don't know. Hey, guys, come on! I mean, "close," Stay focused here. I wouldn't say we were close. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Why, did he say we were close? Huh? Did he say that'? (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) It's more what he didn't say. Huh? For instance, Uh... (CHATTERS IN MINIONESE) he never mentioned (WILD GROWLING) that you were both working (SPEAKING MINIONESE) for the Anti-Villain League! (WILD GROWLING) (GASPS) Uh... (IMITATES WILD GROWLING) You're coming with me. (BUZZING) Hey! Oh. Crikey! (WHIMPERS) So, Eduardo's (GULPS) Uh, (GROWLS) (LAUGHING EVILLY) (ORDERS IN MINIONESE) (YELLS) Curses! Foiled again! (YELLS) These guys captured me! (GRUNTS) (ALL GROWLING WILDLY) Ah! (GASPS) (GRUNTING) Uh... (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (GRUNTING AND GROANING) (CHUCKLES) No? (GRUNTS) Bah! Mmm, lipstick taser! Run! Aw, he copied me. (YELLING) I am not afraid Up that tree! of yourjelly guns. Hurry! Hurry! Oh, this ain't (GRUNTS) ajelly gun, sunshine. (GASPS) (GUN FARTING) (GRUNTING) (GASPING) Hello, Gru! (MINIONS CHEERING) Hey hey! Ho-oh! Nice work, Dr. Nefario! Don't worry about me, I put Gru, I'll be fine. an antidote in the jelly. I have survived I mean, I'm happy to create an lots worse than this. evil army to destroy the world, Okay, but nobody that's not entirely true. messes with my family. I'm actually kind of Thank you, Doctor. freaking out up here! Now, let's go get the... Don't worry, Hi! I will get you out of this. You brought the girls? (BOTH GASP) Yes! I really hate that chicken. Oh. (GRUNTING) Was that wrong? (ALL CHEER) (YELLING TRIUMPHANTLY) LUCY: ls there a red one? What's happening It's usually the red one! to my minions? Gru, anytime now! Gru? (GASPS) You guys, take care of Listen, Lucy, we may not the rest of the minions. get out of this alive, I'm going to find Lucy. so I need to Eat jelly, you purple freaks! ask you a question. Whoa! Whoa! Uh, better make it quick. It's over, El Macho. If I had asked you out on a Now, where is Lucy? date, what would you have said? (CHUCKLES) Are you kidding me? Let me show you. Yes! (GASPS) (GASPS) Oh, hey, Gnu! Jump! Turns out you were right about (SHRIEKS) the whole El Macho thing, huh? (BOTH YELL) Yay! (GASPS) One push of this button, Lucy! and I send that rocket Lucy, where are you? straight into the same volcano (GASPS) where I faked my death. Oh, Lucy! Only this time, it's for real. Gru! No! (BOTH GASPING) Yam Sorry! I guess you need your (GASPS)! arms to tread water, huh? Tallyho! (CHANTING IN MINIONESE) We could have ruled They'll be back. the world together, Gru! (SINGING I SVVEAR But now, IN MINIONESE) you're gonna die. Underwear... (GASPS) ALL: Underwear... (GRUNTING) Underwear... (ROARS) (BOTH CHUCKLE) on! Oh! (GUN CLICKING) (MINIONS CHEERING) (GROWLS) Can I be (GRUNTING) the first to say, "Ew!" (GROWLS ANGRILY) Underwear... Okay. Ah! Excuse me. Bob! Um, hi, excuse me. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) Uh, (CLEARS THROAT) Uh-Oh! hi, everybody. (CHATTERING IN MINIONESE) I'd like to make some toast. Okay. Uh... (COUNTING IN MINIONESE) Okay. (EXCLAIMING FRANTICALLY) She, um... (GRUNTS) Okay. She kisses my boo-boos, (KAZOOING RHYTHMICALLY) she braids my hair. (CHUCKLES) We love you, Aah! mothers, everywhere. (CHATTERING ANGRILY And my new morn, IN MINION ESE) Lucy, is beyond compare. (KAZOOING) MINIONS: Aww. (EXCLAIMING IN ALARM) Aw. (EXPLODES) To the bride and Gru! (OFF-KEY TRUMPETING) (SINGING Y.M.C.A. (KAZOOING RHYTHMICALLY) IN MINIONESE) (EXCLAIMING IN ALARM) Yeah! (CHUCKLES) LUCY: Woo-hoo! (BICKERING IN MINIONESE) I'm so happy! Shh! Huh? Ha! (GRUNTS) (COUNTING IN MINIONESE) (YELLS) Bah! (YELLS) Hey, Bob! Stuart! Blah. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (CHUCKLING) Eh! No?