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November/December 2006

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November/December 2006 THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT CHAIN SMOKINGISSUE JDOE 1687 the guy who never comes to class EDITOR-IN-CHIEF David Strauss FEATURES EDITOR Bradley Jackson Doth mine eyes deceive me? Why wouldst the fire within my soul. My body quivers in NEWS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards thou tease my heart by descending from anticipation of the final and our long-awaited PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen the heavens to grace my J315 class with reunion. E-mail me for my notes again, sweet ART EDITOR Chris Friend thou’s presence, never to return again. Thy angel, for if you won’t enter class, whilst thou ASSOCIatE Sara Kanewske cold, hard, empty chair makes a mockery of not enter me? EDITORS Stephen Short PUBLICITY DIRECTOR Erica Grundish Turn-ons: 8 A.M. classes, attendance, alarm Hobbies: sleeping late, going out on week- WRITING staFF Mike Faerber clock, commitment, roosters, sunrises, missing nights, e-mailing classmates for notes, finishing Kelsey Lamb “Oprah,” walking, bus schedules, professor Final Fantasy XII in one sitting, showing up Laura Schulman who don’t put their notes on Blackboard, on test days, having class with friends, lacking DESIGN staFF Mark Estrada Matt Hutcheson carrying a full load, missing lunch stamina TJ Sharp Turn-offs: take-home tests, correspondences Motto: “Did I miss anything?” Samantha Soper courses, snow days, snooze button, holiday breaks, WEBMASTER Mike Kantor funerals, doctor’s notes, hot weather, cold weather, ADMINIstratIVE Joanna Arnold ASSIstaNTS Austin Presley rainy weather, weed Leah Finnegan Jacqueline Fitzgerald Jon Neal much money as you intended, and you have to • Hey ladies, where’s the track meet? Sara Nienkerk ignore a lot of homeless people. • That Bob FM guy must be the most CARTOONIST Lesley Dixon • Computer science majors will find comfort in indiscriminate douche bag ever. the hope that the future will be more like the • Remember when parties used to involve cakes CONTRIBUTING Kristin Hillery around EDITORS Jill Morris movie Tron. and presents and not binge drinking and STDs? • After initial surprise that a student contributing • Everything is better on a Mac. Everything. Eric Seufert to the class discussion has a foreign accent, • Hey your phone was ringing a second ago. I campus fellow classmates will, without qualms, turn and don’t know who it was. half-stand to see who it is. • THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON • Conservative students won’t really care about • Did you hear that pink is the new GO TO FIRE! ... in Dobie. the Democrats taking over the House and the HELL!!! • If it weren’t for science, the Hellraiser Honeys Senate because they still have more money and a • Where there are black tights in class, there are would have everyone thinking that body paint CONTACT free ticket to heaven. camel toes. Where there are camel toes, there are makes you fat and skanky. PHONE (512) 471-7898 • “Go Vegan” pamphlets will be accepted as boners. Where there are camel toes and boners, • Girls who wear those colorful loose-fitting EMAIL [email protected] vouchers at local meat markets for the pigs feet there is a party. Class is the new party. Mexican dresses are desperately trying to hide WEB www.texastravesty.com eight-for-one special. • Girls who constantly brag about not being in a what they hope to be an ever-growing beer gut. MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin • People who claim they are taking it easy sorority are probably independent, well-adjusted • That guy on a motorcycle who peels out at the P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 tonight secretly wish you would invite them women. And fat. Drag crosswalk is a badaaaassssssssss. EDITORS EMERITUS downtown to get black out drunk. • Bevo bucks can buy you condoms at Jester City • Theater kids will be just as not famous and Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen • Shopping on the drag is a lot like running for Market, but they cannot buy you self-assurance successful as RTF kids. 1997 2001-2003 political office. You end up spending twice as that you didn’t get her pregnant last night. • Kansas State. Really? Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud Kristin Hillery VOLUME 9 • ISSUE 3 2000-2001 2005-2006 NOV/DEC 16, 2006 LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, Did you see Casey Fields at the doesn’t guarantee you’ll get laid. Ray, sex for chubby guys is like published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of Union yesterday? How many junior I Eta Pi sorority president Lacey shopping for pants — once you find (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not bacon cheeseburgers has she eaten Stevens did some shopping as something that works, you probably based on any real person. Any resemblence to this semester? Someone’s not going well—at Payless! Seems that Stevens should stick with it. any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect to be able to fit her thighs into thought nobody would notice her Oh, and Jennifer! Her beau really the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much those trendy black leggings if she’s boots were cheap, pleather imita- stuck it to her with a text-message anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for not careful. Just because they’re tions of the Steve Maddens every- breakup. She thought she’d be see- readers under 18 years of age, regardless of called “junior” doesn’t mean they one else will be sporting this sea- ing a movie with him this Saturday. the pretty pictures. won’t make you fifty pounds heavier son. She even took a black sharpie Now all she’ll see is her running SHOUT OUTZ TO... by the time you’re a senior! to the Payless logo on the sole. mascara in the morning because SVU; Sara and Veronica write the girl material; Speaking of juniors, did you Doesn’t she know that if you have she’ll cry herself to sleep. Teabag Tuesdays; Bradley’s no longer the cool uncle, and Sara’s not funny; True Life: I’m hear that Mike Lowens is dating to make budget cuts, better to skip I’m sure she’ll come around dating my gynecologist’s son; David not liking one? As in high school junior? After lunches than to sacrifice style? soon. That is, sleeping around. It’s no when you blow on it; The charicature that never was; “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”; being rejected by half the girls on Speaking of style, Ray Flores wonder she lost him with her indis- Laura getting wasted at dinner; Vol-vo; Killer’s his floor, looks like Mike had to attempted to update his, in the criminte ways. Well, I’ve got to go. intervention; cuddle quiz; Sara’s hangover; Travesty Softball team; new people that fell start shopping around Austin High. bedroom, much to his girlfriend I’ve got, like, 20 IMs on my screen off a cliff; an apple a day keeps the poor Apparently pledging a cool frat Lindsay’s disappointment. Come on about Sara’s date last night. people away; laptop room with no wireless; jeans party; Kelsey storms in on Laura in the restroom; ridiculous moccassins; “ICE to West Campus TV Ads British Smoking Comedy Listings meet you!”; Futile attempts to buy a piece NOV/DEC Veronica Hansen Matt Hutcheson Matt Hutcheson Mark Estrada Kelsey Lamb of the agro crag; why must you taunt me?; Bradley “I veto things because I’m a dick” Mike Kantor Samantha Soper Stafff Jackson; getting pregnant while pregnant; 2006 Staff Holidays Comics of the Gaps letters to sisters; “I’ll do it, shit.” I could tell Comics Obama Mark Estrada Chris Friend I could’ve been on better; velociraptors are Centerspread Lesley Dixon Mark Estrada Chris Friend fucking everywhere CREDITS Matt Hutcheson Chris Friend © 2006 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 WETTING OUR PANTS SINCE 1997 FEATURES • 3 Career Services lecture instills life-changing epiphany Stephen Short fident enough to make a great first “What the hell was Professor Mc- AssOCIATE EDITOR impression to a potential employer,” Donald thinking?! I haven’t been to declared Botwin as he tried on sev- class in two weeks, and the day I actu- CAMPUS — Students in Professor eral interview outfits in the mirror. ally make an effort to wake up before Michael McDonald’s Latin American “Learning the intricacies of how to 2 p.m. so I could actually learn some- history lecture were inspired and en- politely respond to tough interview thing, he schedules this incredibly ergized to improve their job-seeking questions with strong, dynamic an- boring and redundant career advice skills last Thursday after viewing a swers made me feel so empowered. I lecture,” bemoaned David Friedman. rousing presentation by Career Ser- still need some practice, but soon I’ll “And on top of that, my laptop gets vices adviser Michelle Goodman. be able to walk into an Old Navy and horrible wireless reception in that “I know I’m just a freshman, but land an entry-level position folding room, so I actually had to sit there that PowerPoint about résumé for- clothes in no time!” and listen.” matting made me realize that in three Following the PowerPoint presen- Friedman continued: “I did have short years, I’ll need a steady source tation, Goodman instructed students some fun answering those questions of income,” said Andrew Botwin as to list a mentor, an example of prior she gave us, though.
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