THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT CHAIN SMOKINGISSUE

JDOE 1687 the guy who never comes to class editor-in-chief David Strauss FEATURES editor bradley Jackson Doth mine eyes deceive me? Why wouldst the fire within my soul. My body quivers in NEWS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards thou tease my heart by descending from anticipation of the final and our long-awaited PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen the heavens to grace my J315 class with reunion. E-mail me for my notes again, sweet ART EDITOR Chris Friend thou’s presence, never to return again. Thy angel, for if you won’t enter class, whilst thou associate Sara Kanewske cold, hard, empty chair makes a mockery of not enter me? editors Stephen Short PUBLICITY DIRECTOR erica Grundish

Turn-ons: 8 A.M. classes, attendance, alarm Hobbies: sleeping late, going out on week- writing staff mike Faerber clock, commitment, roosters, sunrises, missing nights, e-mailing classmates for notes, finishing Kelsey Lamb “Oprah,” walking, bus schedules, professor Final Fantasy XII in one sitting, showing up Laura Schulman who don’t put their notes on Blackboard, on test days, having class with friends, lacking design staff Mark Estrada Matt Hutcheson carrying a full load, missing lunch stamina TJ Sharp Turn-offs: take-home tests, correspondences Motto: “Did I miss anything?” Samantha Soper courses, snow days, snooze button, holiday breaks, webmaster mike Kantor funerals, doctor’s notes, hot weather, cold weather, administrative Joanna Arnold assistants Austin Presley rainy weather, weed Leah Finnegan Jacqueline Fitzgerald Jon Neal much money as you intended, and you have to • Hey ladies, where’s the track meet? Sara Nienkerk ignore a lot of homeless people. • That Bob FM guy must be the most CARTOONIST Lesley Dixon • Computer science majors will find comfort in indiscriminate douche bag ever. the hope that the future will be more like the • Remember when parties used to involve cakes CONTRIBUTING Kristin Hillery around EDITORS Jill Morris movie Tron. and presents and not binge drinking and STDs? • After initial surprise that a student contributing • Everything is better on a Mac. Everything. Eric Seufert to the class discussion has a foreign accent, • Hey your phone was ringing a second ago. I campus fellow classmates will, without qualms, turn and don’t know who it was. half-stand to see who it is. • THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON • Conservative students won’t really care about • Did you hear that pink is the new GO TO FIRE! ... in Dobie. the Democrats taking over the House and the HELL!!! • If it weren’t for science, the Hellraiser Honeys Senate because they still have more money and a • Where there are black tights in class, there are would have everyone thinking that body paint contact free ticket to heaven. camel toes. Where there are camel toes, there are makes you fat and skanky. phone (512) 471-7898 • “Go Vegan” pamphlets will be accepted as boners. Where there are camel toes and boners, • Girls who wear those colorful loose-fitting email [email protected] vouchers at local meat markets for the pigs feet there is a party. Class is the new party. Mexican dresses are desperately trying to hide web www.texastravesty.com eight-for-one special. • Girls who constantly brag about not being in a what they hope to be an ever-growing beer gut. mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin • People who claim they are taking it easy sorority are probably independent, well-adjusted • That guy on a motorcycle who peels out at the p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 tonight secretly wish you would invite them women. And fat. Drag crosswalk is a badaaaassssssssss. editors emeritus downtown to get black out drunk. • Bevo bucks can buy you condoms at Jester City • Theater kids will be just as not famous and Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen • Shopping on the drag is a lot like running for Market, but they cannot buy you self-assurance successful as RTF kids. 1997 2001-2003 political office. You end up spending twice as that you didn’t get her pregnant last night. • Kansas State. Really? Brad Butler Todd Nienkerk 1997-2000 2003-2005 Ben Stroud Kristin Hillery volume 9 • issue 3 2000-2001 2005-2006 NOV/DEC 16, 2006 legalese The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas at Austin, Did you see Casey Fields at the doesn’t guarantee you’ll get laid. Ray, sex for chubby guys is like published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of Union yesterday? How many junior I Eta Pi sorority president Lacey shopping for pants — once you find (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not bacon cheeseburgers has she eaten Stevens did some shopping as something that works, you probably based on any real person. Any resemblence to this semester? Someone’s not going well—at Payless! Seems that Stevens should stick with it. any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect to be able to fit her thighs into thought nobody would notice her Oh, and Jennifer! Her beau really the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much those trendy black leggings if she’s boots were cheap, pleather imita- stuck it to her with a text-message anyone. All material printed is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for not careful. Just because they’re tions of the Steve Maddens every- breakup. She thought she’d be see- readers under 18 years of age, regardless of called “junior” doesn’t mean they one else will be sporting this sea- ing a movie with him this Saturday. the pretty pictures. won’t make you fifty pounds heavier son. She even took a black sharpie Now all she’ll see is her running shout outz to... by the time you’re a senior! to the Payless logo on the sole. mascara in the morning because SVU; Sara and Veronica write the girl material; Speaking of juniors, did you Doesn’t she know that if you have she’ll cry herself to sleep. Teabag Tuesdays; Bradley’s no longer the cool uncle, and Sara’s not funny; True Life: I’m hear that Mike Lowens is dating to make budget cuts, better to skip I’m sure she’ll come around dating my gynecologist’s son; David not liking one? As in high school junior? After lunches than to sacrifice style? soon. That is, sleeping around. It’s no when you blow on it; The charicature that never was; “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”; being rejected by half the girls on Speaking of style, Ray Flores wonder she lost him with her indis- Laura getting wasted at dinner; Vol-vo; Killer’s his floor, looks like Mike had to attempted to update his, in the criminte ways. Well, I’ve got to go. intervention; cuddle quiz; Sara’s hangover; Travesty Softball team; new people that fell start shopping around Austin High. bedroom, much to his girlfriend I’ve got, like, 20 IMs on my screen off a cliff; an apple a day keeps the poor Apparently pledging a cool frat Lindsay’s disappointment. Come on about Sara’s date last night. people away; laptop room with no wireless; jeans party; Kelsey storms in on Laura in the restroom; ridiculous moccassins; “ICE to West Campus TV Ads British Smoking Comedy Listings meet you!”; Futile attempts to buy a piece NOV/DEC Veronica Hansen Matt Hutcheson Matt Hutcheson Mark Estrada Kelsey Lamb of the agro crag; why must you taunt me?; Bradley “I veto things because I’m a dick” Mike Kantor Samantha Soper Stafff Jackson; getting pregnant while pregnant; 2006 Staff Holidays Comics of the Gaps letters to sisters; “I’ll do it, shit.” I could tell Comics Obama Mark Estrada Chris Friend I could’ve been on better; velociraptors are Centerspread Lesley Dixon Mark Estrada Chris Friend fucking everywhere credits Matt Hutcheson Chris Friend © 2006 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 features • 3 Career Services lecture instills life-changing epiphany Stephen Short fident enough to make a great first “What the hell was Professor Mc- associate editor impression to a potential employer,” Donald thinking?! I haven’t been to declared Botwin as he tried on sev- class in two weeks, and the day I actu- CAMPUS — Students in Professor eral interview outfits in the mirror. ally make an effort to wake up before Michael McDonald’s Latin American “Learning the intricacies of how to 2 p.m. so I could actually learn some- history lecture were inspired and en- politely respond to tough interview thing, he schedules this incredibly ergized to improve their job-seeking questions with strong, dynamic an- boring and redundant career advice skills last Thursday after viewing a swers made me feel so empowered. I lecture,” bemoaned David Friedman. rousing presentation by Career Ser- still need some practice, but soon I’ll “And on top of that, my laptop gets vices adviser Michelle Goodman. be able to walk into an Old Navy and horrible wireless reception in that “I know I’m just a freshman, but land an entry-level position folding room, so I actually had to sit there that PowerPoint about résumé for- clothes in no time!” and listen.” matting made me realize that in three Following the PowerPoint presen- Friedman continued: “I did have short years, I’ll need a steady source tation, Goodman instructed students some fun answering those questions of income,” said Andrew Botwin as to list a mentor, an example of prior she gave us, though. My mentor is that he registered for the Myers-Briggs employment and one positive per- guy from Jurassic Park that shouts, career placement test. “I had no clue sonality trait. ‘Shoot her, shooooot heeeeer!’ My that employers noticed minute de- “Career Services thought they previous work experience was having tails like résumé length, font size or could pull a fast one on us with that to sit through Urban Legends 2 and relevant workplace experience.” quiz, but it was pretty easy to come self-loathing is my positive personal- Botwin added: “I’m so glad that Ca- up with thorough, thoughtful re- ity trait.” reer Services does outreach programs sponses,” bragged Botwin as he wrote Before presenting another infor- like this, otherwise I would never have a rehearsal interview script. “My high mative lecture to the “Bahama Mama” ■ found the resources and critical skills school biology teacher really inspired freshman interest group, Goodman Goodman’s personality test results were blank, which turned out to be a I need to successfully start a lifetime me to pursue a degree in biochem- explained her motive for assisting perfect qualification for working in Career Services. Photo/Travesty career once I graduate.” istry, I was a camp counselor at the students chose their career path. school to get a masters in sociology.” Web site seeking a career advisor, Along with résumé formatting, the YMCA last summer, and my best “When I went to school here I had a Unfortunately, even after achieving and with my educational background Career Services lecture included vital personality trait is my integrity.” really tough time deciding what to do a postgraduate degree, Goodman was in psychology and sociology, the job advice regarding interview skills. Although Botwin enjoyed the Ca- with my life,” said Goodman. “Even- woefully under prepared for the lack was a perfect fit,” explained Good- “Before Michelle came to class, reer Services lecture, a majority of tually, I graduated with a degree in of job opportunities that awaited her. man. “Like I always tell my students, the prospect of job-hunting was so students felt it was “a complete waste psychology, but I really couldn’t get a “I saw an ad on the University’s ‘Be all you can be!’” daunting to me, but now I feel con- of time.” decent job, so I decided to go back to T-shirts reveal attitude, hollowness of lifestyle Austin Presley “Everyone loves a good graphic tee, ‘This Is A Cry For Help,’ and we all Staff Writer right? I get a laugh every time I wear had a good laugh. But then the next my ‘TAXachussets’ shirt.” Furlong day his shirt said, ‘No, I’m Fucking CAMPUS — Advertising major then shrugged and shook his head, Serious.’ Nobody laughed at that Kenny Chesowitz has capitalized on “But Kenny’s really taken it to anoth- on e .” the recent trend in graphic T-shirts er level — another disturbing level.” “I thought about making my own emblazoned with humorously ironic “I mean, I have no idea what to shirt that says something like, ‘We and post-modern phrases by explor- make of this,” grimaced Furlong as Get It, Kenny’ or ‘Kenny, You’re ing new avenues of self-expression he held up one of Chesowitz’s shirts Making Everyone Feel Awkward,’” through fashion. reading, “Sometimes There’s Blood “I see all these people wearing In My Stool.” said Gwynn. “But who has time to shirts that say ‘Hottie’ or ‘Thank Your Described by friends as “artistic,” do that?” Girlfriend For Me’ and I’ve become “open-minded,” and “a little creepy,” Despite his friends’ concerns, bothered by all that wasted medium,” Chesowitz began wearing the un- Chesowitz seems just as excited stated Chesowitz as he pointed out orthodox tees after shopping at Ur- about graphic tees as ever. further examples of T-shirts around ban Outfitters. “There’s no telling how far I can the West Mall. “I could wear a shirt “This is all because of those take this trend,” pondered Chesow- with some glib sexual comment, but damned trendy hipsters,” com- itz as he flipped through a sketchpad I’d rather don a garment that reveals plained friend Jessica Gwynn. “Sure, depicting illustrations of shirts with my true personality.” their slogans are often clever and birthdates, phone numbers and ven- “See what I mean?” asked a grin- cheeky, but there’s only so much a eral diseases written across them. ning Chesowitz as he stretched out person can take before he starts get- “Soon, people will be able to tell vol- his T-shirt to clearly display the ting ideas in his head. It’s just like umes about you just by reading your phrase, “I Take Medicine For My Bi- those Columbine kids and video Polar Disorder.” games, only instead of using guns T-shirt.” Despite his enthusiasm, Chesow- to kill people, Kenny uses T-shirts “I just finished this one yesterday,” itz’s friends have expressed concern to make people fairly uncomfortable boasted Chesowitz as he pulled out for his recent fashion statements. and confused.” a shirt reading, “I Cut Myself So I “I guess they were funny at first,” Gwynn explained: “The other day Don’t Feel The Pain Inside.” He add- ■ He’s lucky his mother hugs him at all. Photo/Travesty conceded roommate Andy Furlong. Kenny was wearing a shirt that said, ed: “This one is just for me, though.” There’s a line to be crossed, and your eyes just crossed it. features • 3 4 • news texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006 Student never forgets 9/11 References to tragedy excessive, uncomfortable

Kathryn Edwards of Rodden’s Children’s Literature class. from this year’s OU weekend. News Editor “Do you know how many of my cher- Hayden, Rodden and others were ished childhood stories he’s ruined by attending a party at a friend’s house in CAMPUS — Government major pointing out their 9/11 subtext?” North Dallas when Hayden managed Jacob Rodden has ruined every class Becker put his head in his hands and to do a 24-second keg stand. he’s ever been in with excessive refer- added, “I can never read ‘Peter Rabbit’ Admist the cheers and high-fives, ences to the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, again.” Rodden declared, “If you want to know report classmates and professors. Rodden’s professors admit that what’s really impressive, think of the “If I have to hear the phrase, ‘In a handling “The Never Forgets Guy,” as fireman who ran into the towers after post-9/11 world’ again, I really think they have taken to calling him, can be they had been hit by the planes, whom I’m quitting school,” admitted Rod- tricky. the buildings eventually collapsed on den’s Suicide Terrorism classmate “You can’t say you’re sick of hearing and killed.” Becky Sharp. “Or maybe I just won’t go about 9/11, because then you sound Guests who overheard his com- to class anymore. Either way, I cannot insensitive and unpatriotic,” explained ments promptly exited the kitchen handle another diatribe from this kid Advanced Power Yoga instructor San- without speaking and resumed their about how 9/11 affects us all.” dy Aria. “But I look forward to every conversations in another room. Rodden’s overuse of the tragedy as day that he’s gone so that we can do “Jesus, you can’t take him anywhere,” an illustrative example extends beyond the Hero Pose without having to hear complained Hayden. “I won’t even tell obviously relevant courses, reportedly about the true heroes of United Flight you about the speech he gave at our referencing Sept. 11 on a daily basis in 93.” friend Drew’s wedding. It was awful.” Intro to Latin American Government, Rodden’s friends report that the Sept. Although Rodden’s mantra of never Politics of Third World Development 11 references are by no means limited forgetting is accurate when describ- and Women’s History in Political to the classroom, recalling countless ing American tragedies, Rodden has Thought. study sessions, movie nights and beer himself forgotten the train bombings “Hey, at least those are actual gov- runs Rodden has ruined. Roommate in Madrid and London. Friends report ernment classes,” said Daniel Becker Daniel Hayden recalls an incident this irony is completely lost on him. ■ According to a recent survey, 78% of ‘Never Forgetters’ like to cuddle.

4 • news www.texastravesty.com WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 NEWS • 5 Student addicted to studying, Adderall Bradley Jackson mate Jeff [Brewton] that I had a 12- “Patrick used to be pretty cool roll- Features Editor page paper due the next day, and I ing on ‘Addie’ because he would clean hadn’t even started,” recalled John- the kitchen and occasionally bake CAMPUS — Electrical engineer- son. “Then the ‘Brewmeister’ said brownies,” claimed roommate Keith ing and pre-med sophomore Pat- he could help me out if I had some Ries. “But now all he does is pop a rick Johnson stated Monday that his extra money. 20 bucks, 60 milligrams couple of pills, steal one of my Red ever increasing workload at school and 17 hours of researching the ge- Bulls and go to campus for another has caused him to become addicted netic traits of sickle cell anemia later, one of his epic studying sessions.” to long, uninterrupted studying ses- I knew I had found the key to success Complaints also include that John- sions and to 40 milligrams of the pre- in college.” son becomes “talkative,” “awkward,” scription drug Adderall he takes each After finding a reliable dealer who and “kinda queer” with too much night before heading to the library. only charged five dollars a pill, John- Adderall in his system. “All of my engineering friends complain that the material is so bor- son soon discovered the benefits of “One time, Patrick came home ing and that they can never concen- Adderall’s side effects. from one of his study benders at four trate in class,” claimed Johnson as he “I only have to eat like one meal a in the morning and wanted to talk audibly clicked his teeth to an un- day when I’ve got some stuff in my with me about his parent’s divorce,” known rhythm. “But whenever I pop system,” stated Johnson as he finished said suitemate Clint Rainey. “His eyes a couple of Adderall and head to the his third Starbucks Double Shot. were bloodshot and his hair smelled FAC, I fall in love with whatever sub- “I already lost all that beer weight I of urine, but he kept going on and on ■ This book really strikes achord with Johnson’s interests, but then again, gained freshman year. Plus, all the about relationships and battling the ject I’m studying.” so does memorizing the molecular structures of every organic compound. Johnson added: “Most of the time money I would be spending on food evils of human nature. If he weren’t I can’t even sleep afterwards — even I can now use to buy more Adderall.” my roommate, I definitely would tangent angle or learning how an like laundry or talk to my stepfather, when I’ve been up for days.” Although Johnson claims that have punched him in the throat.” actuation force can result in thermal I’ll just pop one of my little miracle Johnson, who has not been official- Adderall is simply a “study buddy,” Despite complaints from his change in a bimetal disc, everything pills and wait for the magic to hap- ly diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, several of his friends have expressed friends, Johnson claims Adderall has is interesting on Adderall,” declared pen.” discovered Adderall at the end of his concern that his dependence on the made his life much easier. Johnson as he popped each of his Johnson added: “Hey, at least I’m freshman year. substance is causing more harm than “Whether it’s measuring the dif- knuckles individually. “And whenev- not doing coke.” “I was complaining to my room- good. ferential between the radius and the er I really don’t want to do something History major ruins war film BCS to rank human worth #1 – 6,555,326,215 Austin Presley doors. They couldn’t do that, because if the train got bombed they would all be “This process is unbiased and Staff Writer Kelsey Lamb 1. Lance Armstrong killed.” Merck then sighed emphatically Staff writer foolproof,” retorted Jones. “A low CAMPUS — Sophomore Doug and slumped back in his seat, clearly in- ranking should not be discourag- 2. Oprah Winfrey Merck repeatedly annoyed his friends dicating his disgust. LOS ANGELES — College foot- ing; in fact, it should encourage you 3. George W. Bush earlier this week as they attempted “It’s just a movie, Doug,” responded ball’s infamous Bowl Champion- to work harder. Everyday is now a 4. Tom Selleck to watch the film Enemy at the Gates. Dyson. “It’s not like it’s a documentary ship Series ranking system recently playoff day.” 5. David Blaine “Yet another movie night ruined by or anything.” announced its intentions to expand The new BCS ranking expansion 6. Mike Jones Doug,” bemoaned friend Molly Dyson. Merck’s friends have become in- beyond football and begin ranking has proven controversial amongst 7. Joel Osteen “This has been happening ever since he creasingly irritated at his frequent in- all human beings. some human rights groups. Jonathan 8. Yao Ming West, president of the human rights switched majors.” terjections. “We are extremely excited over 9. Aquaman Merck originally applied to the Uni- “He doesn’t understand that we don’t the prospect of ranking every indi- watch group Bigger Brother, had 10. Bill Gates versity in pursuit of a RTF degree, but care,” complained Merck’s ex-room- vidual human being’s worth,” said some choice comments concerning recently transferred to the College of mate Gail Worther. “I just watch mov- Michael Jones, chair of the BCS Pres- BCS’ intentions. 11. Jim Adler, The Tough Liberal Arts as a history major. ies because I enjoy them. Besides, the idential Oversight Committee. “This “The last time I checked, we were Smart Lawyer “I’ve always loved movies,” claimed only reason Molly and I chose Enemy is an exciting opportunity for us to all born equals,” ranted West. “To 12. “Nature Boy” Ric Flair Merck as he realphabetized his DVD at the Gates is because Jude Law is hot. expand our market share beyond put a numerical value on a human 13. Kelsey Lamb collection. “So I thought I would per- Nothing inaccurate about that.” college football to the entire human being’s life is an absolutely prepos- 14. Kelsey Lamb’s Mom sue a career in the film industry, but Dyson, who has known Merck since population.” terous idea. How is this any different 15. Bill Nye after taking a few courses I decided to their freshman year, blames Merck’s As of late, the BCS has come un- than putting a monetary value on a try something a little more concrete. own insecurities as the cause of his der fire from the college football slaves head?” ■ BCS Projected Top 15 Humans Sometimes you just have to be grown- criticisms. community, especially from fans Bono of the politically active rock up and realistic about your career aspi- “If you ask me,” theorized Dyson, and coaches who feel their teams are group U2 has spearheaded an inter- them feel better to rank wealthy, rations.” “He’s just picking on all these movies slighted from the biggest bowl games national coalition along with Bigger white humans over malnourished Ever since his transfer, Merck has because he gave up on his dreams and by convoluted ranking formulas. Brother to challenge the BCS human South African children?” reportedly made a habit of showing off he knows he’ll never find true happi- Jones quickly wrote off the football rankings Jones, however, offered a strong his knowledge of cinema trivia while ness studying history. Instead, he takes coaches’ argument that the ranking “I have been working on poverty rebuttal to Bono’s comments. system formulas are too complicated watching Jeopardy, vocally arguing with out his frustrations by ripping apart awareness for so long, and along “Mr. Bono is just insecure about History Channel narrators and point- by readily presenting the formula for Jude Law. It’s pathetic.” comes a group that wants to rank where he will be placed in our rank- ing out as many factual inaccuracies as human greatness which averages: humans, and for what? All these Oblivious to his critics, Merck con- ings, below Dee Snider of Twisted possible while watching movies. body weight, American citizenship rankings will do is encourage people tinued railing against the fim. Sister,” explained Jones. “By the way, “Oh, yeah right,” grunted Merck as status, ability to make the advisory to oppress others so they can flaunt “Give me a break,” he exclaimed ve- Dee is not only a better vocalist than he watched Soviet officials locking sol- board a good sandwich and the their numbers around the water hemently, “They wouldn’t use the hu- Bono, he’s also generously donated to diers inside a cramped rail car at the man wave in the middle of an urban amount of annual contributions to cooler on Monday morning,” said our new human ranking campaign.” opening of the popular Jude Law war battle!” Merck then slapped his palm the BCS. an impassioned Bono. “Does it make film. “Like they would really lock the against his forehead and laughed. chemically, there’s very little unique about you. NEWS • 5 6 • news texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006 Student not ashamed of sprint for bus Sara Kanewske associate editor

WEST CAMPUS — Junior Brad ready closed, driver Andy Martin re- Meckler nearly missed the 10:42 a.m. opened the doors, allowing Meckler West Campus shuttle to his 11:00 a.m. to enter. Intro to Chemistry lecture. In order “Normally I’m not type to stop to reach the bus on time, Meckler more than the allotted 45 seconds, was forced to break into a full sprint less if no one rang the bell,” ex- for three fourths of a block. “No way plained Martin. “Sometimes, I even was I going to miss that bus,” said tempt the kids by pretending like I’m Meckler trying to catch his breath. going to wait. But that kid looked so “That class is in Mezes, and I wasnot pathetic with his backpack pounding about to walk.” into him, I thought he might wake up Fellow bus riders greeted Meckler tomorrow with sclerosis, so I waited with mixed feelings of confusion and a full minute-thirty.” disgust. Despite students’ glares and de- “I couldn’t believe it when I saw grading mental dialogue directed Brad actually run for the bus!” ex- toward Meckler, his demeanor was claimed Meckler’s friend, Jeremy Pruitt. “His hair was blown straight unaffected. Upon entering the bus, back like a three-legged Clydesdale, Meckler wiped the sweat from his and his backpack kept slapping him forehead and adjusted his shirt where in the ass because he wears it so it had come untucked and proceeded low.” to smile at his fellow passengers. Fortunately for Meckler, the bus “Yeah, there probably would have driver prolonged his stop, giving the been another bus in a couple of min- backpack-clad sprinter time to catch utes,” admited Meckler. “But I just the bus. Although the doors had al- didn’t want to take any chances.”

■ That jacket keeps Mecklet almost as toasty as the toaster streusel he ate this morning for breakfast. 6 • news www.texastravesty.com WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 features • 7

Is there a surgeon specific? features • 7 8 • news texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 Carole Keeton Strayhorn chokes ‘Cool’ uncle no Dirty Briefs on ‘one tough piece of meat’ longer cool with ... done dirt cheap AUSTIN — While dining at a tan S.A.S. shoes. “I just want to local Luby’s Cafeteria, Carol be honest with you Texas, that liver disease Keeton McClellan Rylander liver’s a no good eatin’, vomit PHILADELPHIA — Sean D. Car- Strayhorn choked on a bite of inducin’, denture breakin’ phony asso, a 38-year-old airline pilot, is ap- College Democrats really her liver and onion platter. son-of-a-gun!” parently no longer cool amongst his Strayhorn, who ran for gover- After recovering from her young nephews after coming down nor as an Independent, had been brush with death, Keeton Mc- with a life threatening case of cirrho- enjoying a late lunch when she Clellan Rylander Strayhorn sis of the liver. helped out this year was shocked by how horribly mused with the various mem- “Uncle Sean used to be so freaking overcooked her meat was. bers of the wait staff about what cool. He’d always buy us ice cream “It was really hard to swallow,” her new self-declared moniker and find these giant coins behind our Strayhorn said as she reapplied should be, unable to choose ears,” said Carrasso’s youngest neph- adhesive Polident Dentu grip between “Still Alive” and “One ew Jacob Dylan. “But now that he’s in and adjusted the Velcro on her Hawt Grandma.” the hospital all he does is vomit into a clear bag and sleep.” A self-proclaimed bachelor for life, Democrats vow to bring stem-cell Carasso enjoyed spending time with his nephews, often dressing up in research, gay marriage to Iraq clown costumes for their birthdays and letting them watch R-rated mov- Riding post-election high, Pelosi vows to make ies in his bayside condo. But with his recent health problems he has been troubled country ‘just like Vermont’ unable to spend “quality chill time” WASHINGTON — House Minor- Paul Bryer. “I can’t believe I just with his nephews. ity Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) voted for them.” “I used to enjoy hanging out with announced a comprehensive for- But Pelosi repeats the mantra those cats over the holidays, but I just eign policy agenda Monday on that at least Democrats are not don’t have the energy anymore,” said ■ Three cheers for minorities back in power! Photo/Travesty the heels of Democrats winning Republicans. Carrasso from his hospital bed as a a majority in the House and Sen- “Yeah, like I’m really going to nurse slowly spooned tapioca pud- CAMPUS — The College Demo- are confident their political volun- ate. listen to ‘I’m sticking by Rummy’ ding into his quivering mouth. “Plus crats reportedly partied hard teering saved the midterm elections The plan has drawn criticism for about what to do in Iraq,” declared now that I’m in here, I can’t use them enough to wake Thomas Jefferson and will one day get them into law convoluting domestic and foreign a flippant Pelosi, referring to the to pick up chicks.” from the grave Saturday at a well- school, the Senate and eventually policy, as its main focus is allow- president’s once ardent defense of deserved, self-congratulatory cel- heaven. ing the controversial stem cell re- Donald Rumsfeld. ebration for turning America blue “With all this real-world experi- search and the even more divisive The foreign policy agenda also this election. ence, how could I not get into law gay marriage in Iraq. includes a comprehensive pre- Woman’s flat tire “We’re all really friggin’ pumped school?” said Sergeant-at-Arms “This plan would sound really scription drug plan for Afghani- about the results of this election,” James Fellows as he retouched the intelligent if a four-year-old had stan and increased Medicare ben- is ‘just her luck’ said Jessica Manzana, president of paint of the Democratic donkey written it,” says Virginia resident efits in Guantanamo. the College Democrats. “All of our bucking wildly on the CDems’ block-walking, phone-banking, meeting poster. “Then after I gradu- AUSTIN — After an incident involv- and West Mall tabling paid off big ate from UT Law and work my way ing a sudden tire blowout on north- time!” up to partner, I’ll be on my way to Drunk male not attracted to best friend bound I-35 yesterday, Mary Walsam Despite the election of a Republi- Capitol Hill and then Pennsylvania was upset but resigned to her fate. can governor in Texas, the CDems Avenue!” Plastered student claims he’s ‘not in to dudes’ “Of course this had to happen today WEST CAMPUS — An inebriated Saturday night that he was not when I’m already late to pick up my Kyle Brenner declared to all pres- physically attracted to best friend kids from school. This is just my Freshman still searching for locker ent at a party in West Campus last Mike Dieter. luck.” “Mike, I do not like dudes! So get Walsam, a mother of two, ex- Walking back to dorm before class ‘really inconvenient’ your piercing blue eyes and velvet pressed frustration at her seemingly mouth away from me,” slurred constant stream of bad luck and un- CAMPUS — With final exams to entering every lecture hall on fortunate coincidences. fast approaching, freshman campus at 8 a.m. in search of his Brenner. “Come on, man! Stop flirting with me!” “This is just like last week, when Drew Ryker is still searching for homeroom. “It’s taken almost it rained the day after I got my car his locker and homeroom. three months to sit in each class- Although Brenner has a history of getting belligerently drunk, Di- washed, or yesterday when Banana “I thought they would assign room in the six-pack, but I’m still Republic was all out of my size in me a locker in the liberal arts searching,” said a frustrated Ryk- eter claims Brenner has never ex- pressed those feelings to himself, that sweater I loved. Can’t I ever get building, because I’m a psychol- er as he zipped open the pouch a break?” ogy major, but so far I haven’t containing his colored pencils. or 200 other people. “Kyle just likes to act out different Walsam, a stay-at-home mom had any luck finding mine,” Roommate and biology sopho- and wife of a prominent investment bemoaned Ryker, adding wide- more Ken Lampson has assisted characters when he gets sloshed,” nervously chuckled Dieter. “Like banker, made plans to call a tow ruled notebook paper to his Trap- Ryker in his quest: “I would truck and have her BMW SUV taken per Keeper. “It’s becoming really tell him there aren’t lockers or last week, Kyle pretended to be my girlfriend by spooning me from to get a new tire. “Now I’m sure the inconvenient to have to walk all homerooms in college, but then dealership is going to be busy, and the way back to my dorm just to he would never believe me when behind in the dark.” ■ I’ll have to take some awful rental switch out the books in my back- I tell him to bring a small gift to Have you switched detergents? As Dieter attempted to continue Cause these jeans are mountain his story, Brenner interjected: “I car that’s been driven by God knows pack before each class.” his professor on the last day of who. I should just kill myself.” Recently, Ryker has resorted class.” fresh and snuggly soft. Photo/Travesty am not gay, I am not gay!”

8 • news www.texastravesty.com texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 NEWS • 9 ‘Cool’ uncle no Effiminate man’s pre-planned longer cool with Chanukkah present re-gifted liver disease for the eighth night in a row sports comment goes awry PHILADELPHIA — Sean D. Car- asso, a 38-year-old airline pilot, is ap- Student accidentally proves no one can NEW YORK — Ari Fleckman was parently no longer cool amongst his stunned and befuddled on the young nephews after coming down eighth and final day of Chanuk- equally appreciate football, loofahs with a life threatening case of cirrho- kah when he was presented with sis of the liver. a framed portrait of Sandy Koufax AUSTIN — Textiles and Apparel speaking without pausing in be- “Uncle Sean used to be so freaking that he himself had regifted three junior Eugene Norman gave up tween words. cool. He’d always buy us ice cream days earlier. hope of ever being considered a “I have no idea what the hell and find these giant coins behind our “My family has a tradition to give man’s man when he attempted to that guy way saying,” said fellow ears,” said Carrasso’s youngest neph- one family member a gift on one talk shop with neighboring Long- fan David Brackson. “All I heard ew Jacob Dylan. “But now that he’s in of the eight days,” said Fleckman. horn fans during the UT-Kansas was somethingsomethingHeis- the hospital all he does is vomit into a “It’s just puzzling that I ended up State game. mannsomething.” clear bag and sleep.” with the same Sandy Koufax por- Norman, enjoying but not re- Norman, only able to draw at- A self-proclaimed bachelor for life, trait that I had earlier regifted to ally understanding the game at tention for his poor delivery, Carasso enjoyed spending time with Uncle Mordechai.” a local bar, watched eagerly with tried to recover with a spontane- his nephews, often dressing up in Although Fleckman received the a comment he had rehearsed the ous “that Colt’s more like a stal- clown costumes for their birthdays gift twice, he soon discovered that entire day, waiting to be used. lion.” and letting them watch R-rated mov- the portrait had changed hands After UT quarterback Colt Mc- Rather than salvage the situa- ies in his bayside condo. But with his nine times over the holiday. Coy successfully completed a tion, however, his unrehearsed recent health problems he has been Fleckman explained, “From what ■ Sandy Koufax: The Greatest Jew Who Ever Lived, except Jesus touchdown pass, Norman was addition left half the bar with unable to spend “quality chill time” I’ve gathered, my mother original- quick to shout, “That makes mouths agape silently nudging with his nephews. ly gave the present to my father, lawyer Chaim Cohen, who gave it berg, who gave it back to me. Nail- 27 touchdowns and a sure-to- each other to make sure they all “I used to enjoy hanging out with who gave it to me, then I gave it to his stepson Ben, who sent it to ing the portrait to his bedroom be Heisman winner, am I right heard. those cats over the holidays, but I just to Uncle Mordechai, who FedExed his cousin Josh Abramson, who wall, Fleckman added: “At least I guys?” Norman left the bar shortly don’t have the energy anymore,” said it to my brother Avi in Los Ange- gave it to his girlfriend who hap- didn’t get an eight-pack of meno- The effect was lost, however, after to watch reruns of Project Carrasso from his hospital bed as a les, who sent it Priority Mail to his pens to be my cousin, Ruth Gins- rahs, again.” due to Norman’s nervous habit of Runway. nurse slowly spooned tapioca pud- ding into his quivering mouth. “Plus now that I’m in here, I can’t use them to pick up chicks.” Lisa Frank folder useful, Freshman’s excitement over politics wanes; uglier than vomit interest in celebrity gossip holds firm

CAMPUS — Sophomore Eng- choice. “Well, I definitely needed After mid term elections, student rethinks changing his lish major Diane Johnson was a folder to carry all these papers,” disappointed at the reaction her said Johnson as she adjusted her major, giving a rat’s ass about democracy Lisa Frank-designed folder elic- pink ‘50s style glasses. “I just like ited. The folder, which depicts two to express myself, and besides, CAMPUS — Freshman Michael An- paced and exciting,” explained a Less than 24 hours after George leopard kittens cuddling in front look how cute these babies are! ders “could really give a shit” about now-blasé Anders, glancing at a Allen conceded Virginia and en- of a sunset colored heart, was used Their spots are purple.” politics now that the midterm elec- trashcan full of discarded issues sured a Democratic majority in the by Johnson to carry the miscel- Even Johnson’s professor was op- tions have come and gone he con- of The Economist and Newsweek. senate, Anders dropped his political laneous handouts her American posed to her organizational system. firmed Tuesday. “What with all the scandals and racy interest, making PinkIsTheNewBlog Novels professor routinely distrib- “I was nearly blinded by that neon “I can’t believe how excited I was negative ads.” his homepage once again. utes. abomination when she first pulled to vote,” said Anders with a wizened, Citing politics’ return to its usual “That folder is so ugly I want to it out of her Friends-covered tote,” slightly bitter tone. “I was duped into home in “Mind-numbing Boredom slash my face off,” said classmate said professor Dan McKlusky. thinking my vote mattered.” Anders, “I can’t believe Land,” Anders was quick to move his Stephanie Chan, admittedly over- “Frankly, I don’t even know why who is currently undeclared, briefly interest back to celebrity gossip. reacting. “I wonder what kind of she has a folder. Why doesn’t she considered making government his how excited I was Moving his voter registration card world we live in if people exist just throw the handouts in the re- major during the weeks preceding to the back of his wallet, he added, who think that is cute.” cycling bin like everyone else does the election. to vote” “Did you hear that Britney text mes- Johnson, however, defends her on their way out of class?” “Everything just seemed so fast- sage-divorced K-fed?” After eating a ‘mediocre’ sandwich, coworkers describe man as ‘dead inside’ ATHENS, GA — Corporate CPA Ed ward, staring into his trashcan at the Woodward’s co-workers noticed spent the rest of the day staring at his that day. Millward appeared despondent Tues- discarded sandwich. “They made his changed mood that afternoon. computer screen with his head in his “My heart just wasn’t in it any- day after eating what he described it the same way they always do, but “It was clear something was both- hands. I know he was crying at some more,” stated Millward. “I don’t know as a “sub-par” sandwich during his for some reason...” Millward’s voice ering him when we came back from point.” how to describe it.” Millward’s spirits lunch break. trailed off as he absent mindedly lunch,” explained fellow CPA Linda Other colleagues observed Wood- were restored, however, when he re- “I was looking forward to lunch all moved the plastic butter knife back- Rollins. “He seemed really excited ward’s frequent sighs and slumped membered the yankee pot roast that morning,” recalled a dejected Mill- and-forth across his wrists. when we left, but afterwards he just shoulders at the team meeting later awaited him for dinner. www.texastravesty.com NEWS • 9 10 • news texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006 Community college friend ruins awesome weekend Veronica Hansen “I wasn’t sure if ol’ Mikey could and 6-disc CD changer than be & Sara Kanewske keep up this weekend,” said Knox seen riding in a car older than my Photo editor & as he took another hit off of “the my parent’s maid,” Knox said. Associate editor destroyer,” his bong. “But for the Upon arriving at the party, son of a blue-collared shopkeeper, Briggs found it difficult to relate to Sophomore James Knox was vis- he did all right.” the other UT students. ited by former high school class- In anticipation of Briggs’ arrival, mate and current San Jacinto Com- Knox put fresh linens on his over- “I tried to start up a conversa- munity College student Michael stuffed leather Pottery Barn couch tion about the midterm elections Briggs last weekend. The friends next to the 20-inch flat screen tele- with some guys who said they were were separated after graduation vision and solid gold goblet glass- government majors,” Briggs said. when Briggs was unable to afford es. The living room was still large “But they kept getting pulled away a four-year university and opted to enough to fit a beer pong table, two to do keg stands, body shots and get his basics at community college life-sized Vince Young cut outs and to comment on how awesome the instead. Briggs’ financial insecurity. ‘Trailer-Park build’ looked.” “I was really excited to hang “It was definitely a good idea that Recalling the events of the past out with James again,” said Briggs, I came to visit James, instead of the “even though I had to take off shifts other way around,” said Briggs as weekend, Knox commented on at both of my jobs and pay for the he finished filling out his W-2 tax Briggs’ ability to fit-in socially with gas with the birthday money my form. “If we had gone to my house, the UT party scene. Specifically, grandma sent me.” my little brother Daniel would Knox noted the tension between Knox and Briggs started off the have roomed with Grandma in the their obvious class differences, jus- weekend with a beer run in which kitchen/living room/nursery.” tifying his substance abuse prob- Knox asked his “old-time pal to Briggs parked his used 1987 teal- lem. spot him a 20.” Later the two played blue Tercel in Knox’s multilevel “I mean, sure I’ve gotten too drinking games to reruns of South parking garage. The boys decided drunk to remember why I’m het- Park until they headed out to West to take Knox’s bimmer to his fra- Campus parties. Knox, however, ternity’s “White Trash” party later erosexual, but I have a trust fund,” expressed concern that the Univer- that evening. Knox said. “Shouldn’t Michael be sity lifestyle might be too much for “I’d rather vomit malt liquor all using his Edward-40-hands to earn his community college friend. over my lamb-skin leather seats some cold, hard cash?” ■ Knox is taking a stand against mini-kegs. Photo/Travesty

10 • news www.texastravesty.com WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 features • 11 You’re not , are you? espite their polite, intelligent demeanor, anyone who loves freedom has a long-held hatred for British Dpeople and culture. Why? Not that hating lobster-backs requires any justification, but the assertion that Britain is just a classier version of America is categorically offensive. To convince our readers, we have assembled a list of reasons why those hygienically challenged limeys don’t deserve our respect.

• Hugh Grant is from there. • Bland food, weather, movies, lost a war to France. politicians, and women Gross. • What the fuck is an Earl? • They’re called Freedom Fries, • We threw their tea in • Magna Carta... more like Magna not chips, asshole. the ocean once, and Farta! we’ll do it again. • The Beatles are overrated. For • They’re “too real lyricism, tune into to some • No taxation without good” for the Toby Keith. representation. Euro. • The only good kind of • In America, • Rambo can Parliament is the funk-a-delic smoking fags kick James kind. is a hate Bond’s ass. crime. • We saved their asses in WWII. • I don’t If it weren’t for us, they’d be know what a speaking German right now. crumpet is. • Shakespeare < John Grisham And they’d probably like it. • Emily Bronte < Danielle Steele • They actually • Prince Harry and William < The Olsen Twins

The goddess on your award is not a ‘trophy wife.’ features • 11 12 • FEATURES texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006 I’ve recently had a change of heart about the death penalty Saddam Hussein opposed to the death penalty. “Would I want to die that way?” And against good taste — we’re all equally be shattered into pieces for a couple Condemned former dictator In a nutsell, I believe that no gov- usually, the answer is no. That’s what guilty in our own way. Plus, nobody goddamn mistakes I made a quarter- ernment has the right to determine I call “sanctity of life.” has ironic “Genocide” theme parties century ago? “Would you know my anyone’s fate. And I know, Would you want to be killed for an today to ease my shame. To tell you People do crazy things when name, if I saw you in heav- I know. You’re going to the truth, I have been living with they’re in their forties. One of my en? Would it be the same, if say, “But Saddam, any su- “If genocidal despots want to guilt for the last 20-odd years. Isn’t brother-in-laws bought a Harley and I saw you in heaven?” You perior government must kill their own people, genocidal that punishment enough? a leather jacket, and believe you me, know, I have probably heard mercilessly butcher thou- But more importantly, capital no one complained when I had his that song a million times. sands of its own people despots are going to kill their punishment is not a deterrent. It’s a house burned with his wife and two When I was younger, I used throughout the course of own people.” proven fact that if genocidal despots sons inside. What an embarrassment to play it on the guitar at its brutal regime! Killing want to kill their own people, geno- to my proud family. parties, although I admit countless Kurds using honest mistake you’ve made? Those cidal despots are going to kill their At the very least, please don’t hang that it was only to get girls mustard gas without trial who support capital punishment own people. And there are plenty me. Give me a break, guys. Getting out of their hijabs. or reason is the best way to want people to die for their past in- of people I know who’ve committed hanged is a coward’s sentence. My Only recently, as my twilight display the authority of your power!” discretions, no matter how big or crimes and they get away scott free. grandmother was hanged, for Pete’s months are upon me, have I truly Sigh. You remind me of myself, small. I’ll bring it closer to home. As My friend Abdel from down the sake. (I hanged her. I am not proud understood the meaning behind Eric when I was a young, sprite dictator. a careless youth, I got swept up in the street isn’t going to the chair for not of this fact anymore.) Clapton’s ode to heaven and heart- But people change. And change is a moment and killed a few thousand of immolating his youngest daugh- You wouldn’t believe all the Sadd- break. And I don’t know about you, good thing. I have a feeling that one my own people. But tell me you have ter when she defied him during the am Noose-sein jokes I have already but I think that in this day and age, we day you’ll grow up and realize that as no regrets from the ‘80s! Let’s be hon- holy month of Ramadan. Old Rashid been hearing. Come on. It’s not even truly must embrace this life that God easy as it is to gas your own people, est, everyone committed crimes back isn’t getting the needle for shaming that clever of a nickname. And really, has given us. Call it a change of heart, as tempting as it may be to put the then. Whether they be heinous war Allah when he “survived” that sui- do you want to be deprived of the but I’ve lately come to realize that in flesh of your enemies through a meat crimes against innocent women and cide bomb. So why should this old hilarious barbs Jay Leno offers at my the depths of my soul, I am morally grinder, you have to ask yourself: children or heinous fashion crimes man’s fragile, 69-year-old vertebrae expense each night?

12 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 features • 13

Why global warming is Why global Why global warming a bunch a liberal lies warming is true is awesome!!!

• What does “indisputable scientific evidence” • Doesn’t the feng shui of the entire earth • Splashtown and Schlitterbahn open all year mean anyway? just feel off? round. • My aviators kick ass and I can wear them more • Liberal control of the media. • You know who else didn’t believe in global warming? Nazis. • Daquiris aren’t just for girls anymore. • Al Gore fabricates conspiracies to feel alive. • 52 weeks of spring break, wet T-shirt contests • You don’t want to offend scientists. They and Girls Gone Wild: Siberia. • It is not in the Bible. are very sensitive about teasing. • There are WAY too many animals around anyway. • God is so much more original than to flood us • Because it’s November and hot as shit • It’s not like I don’t have air conditioning in my twice. Please! outside, stupid. SUV, wha wha? • Waterworld was a sweet movie, and I have the • Liberals need global warming so Ted Kennedy • Haven’t you noticed Bill Frist pitting like map to dry land. will have more lakes to drown women in. crazy during debates? • It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your If global warming causes more rainfall, why • • Dennis Quaid is in The Day After Tomorrow, clothes. isn’t Darfur a lush, green garden of vegetation and he never lies. in which plump children can run and laugh and • Beaches in St. Louis. sing whilst they swing on vines and wipe sweet • Who lives in Antarctica anyway? nectar off their chins? • We’ll finally find the Northwest Passage. • No more fucking Ugg boots. • Polar bears are alive and enjoying Coca Cola. • Two words: dolphin rodeos.

Trust me, extinction isn’t that cool Terrorizing creatures of the earth has its privileges Veloc E. Raptor Extinct SINCE CENOZOIC Everyone’s talking about how sic Park? I can eat people while global warming really isn’t that they’re still alive! big of a deal, but seriously guys That takes talent. — extinction really isn’t that And all the ladies loved me great. Trust me. I should know. too. Let’s just say the Park wasn’t It was only a couple billion the only thing that was Jurassic! years ago (or was it ten thou- Those were good times man.... sand?) that I was the literal great times. But they’re all over cock of the walk on earth. I had now because some douchebag dozens of razor sharp teeth ca- asteroid decided to hit earth. So pable of ripping flesh from bone, seriously guys, unless you want powerful hindquarters enabling the only knowledge of your me to reach speeds of 40 plus species to be found in a movie miles an hour and above aver- starring Sam “I haven’t been in age intelligence allowing me to a decent movie since Merlin’s hunt in packs and open doors. Apprentice” Neill then I’d advise I mean did you see how much you take global warming a little ■ Raptor testifying before the hell I raised in that movie Juras- more seriously. Congressional Extinction Committee We need fewer people like you. features • 13 14 • FEATURES texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006

14 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 features • 15 Lesser-Known Holiday Cards Happy Chappy Chanukkah!

Kwanzaa Happy Merry

Boxing Day Orthodox Christmas

Has a ninja ever even met a pirate? features • 15 16 • FEATURES texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997

16 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 features • 17

www.texastravesty.comHow funny: well drinks make you sick. features • 17 18 • OPINION texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006 Need equations solved? I’m free this Spring Mike Kantor the webmaster at the Travesty for al- WEBMASTER most three years, you know that site Well, it is finally time to graduate, you visit daily and such: www.texas- and I am glad to do it. It is my plea- travesty.com. Maybe you’ve heard of sure to release a parking spot back me by the pseudonym KANTOR- into the wild, hopefully you will RRRRRR? If yes then you already appreciate waiting a little less for a know what that’s about, and if you drink on 6th since I will be absent haven’t then... well, it would take too from the bar, and lets not forget long to explain. about all that contested first-floor So that’s it. I tried the best I could. UGL desk space I won’t occupy! Travesty readers, thank you for the occasional distractions from my Honest. Can’t come with me on this continuously praising the paper. Ev- curriculum and being such unique trip, though. Last call for drinks. eryone on staff pushes themselves people. Collectively you are the can- Bar’s closin’ down. Sun’s out. Where hard to imprint these pages with the vas on which I’ve cast my college we goin’ for breakfast? Don’t wanna quality you’ve come to expect. Keep experience, so don’t fall out of the go far. Rough night. Tired, baby... reading, and introduce it to new picture. tired. readers as well... I’m always comically “Physics major huh? So what do No, seriously that was just a film surprised when meeting seniors who you do with that?” Seek simple solu- quote. Peace, I’m off to conduct never heard of the Travesty. tions to a complex world, then find some serious snowboarding and To my many friends and com- someone to listen to you. whatever else alumni do with their panions, thank you for providing “Who are you again?” I’ve been lives. History major fully prepared to be full-time waitress Laura Schulman ways love you. Oooohh yeah. Staff Writer To the Travesty Staff, 2004-2006: Friends, family, and devoted Thank you all for providing me readers who probably have some with endless bouts of tear-jerking sort of pseudo-cult devoted to my laughter, drunken nights of un- glowing visage, I have an exciting speakably hilarious and sometimes announcement—I’m graduating a dangerous antics (Banquet ’05 and semester early. And not only am I a bunch of cavemen with blunt totally on the ball, making all my objects comes to mind) and more friends look bad, I’m confident inspiration and insight than I have that my degree in history has fully ever received from any of my pro- prepared me for the next step I’m fessors. I’ve finished growing up taking in life—working full-time with you guys, and I’m a funnier as a waitress. person because of it, which is all Throughout my college career I’ve ever wanted to be. Thank you (my tenure at UT, if you will), for making my college experience whenever I have told anyone that I totally amazing, and you’re wel- am a history major, they immedi- inside jokes and cheesy thank come for all the Marshall Lances- ately ask “What are you gonna do yous, so you can stop reading if ton jokes I’ve let you have at my with that? Teach?” After I inaudibly you want but know that you’ll be expense. sigh and die a little on the inside, I kicked out of the pseudo-cult if To my friends: Thank you for explain that no, just because I en- they find out. putting up with my endless re- joy history doesn’t mean I want to To the Travesty girls: I never quests to read the Travesty and teach it, I have bigger fish to fry— thought I’d enjoy girls-only slee- questions such as “What other or at least bigger fried fish to serve. povers after the age of 13, but you chronic, debilitating diseases are I know all my hours spent ignor- have successfully proven me wrong funny?” I love you all more than ing my reading assignments and again and again. You’re all a bunch you know and will be bugging you bullshitting on every single one of of fabulously classy ladies for vary- every night of the coming semes- my tests will pay off this next year ing reasons, but know I will always as I ignore the “Employees must ter, wondering if maybe you want respect Sara’s body as a temple of wash hands” sign and bullshit with to drink tonight because hey, I’ve my customers. purity, I will always want to make just got work tomorrow. Lindsay, Now comes the part of my out with Veronica, I will always you can be on staff now. goodbye dedicated strictly to gush about Billy Corgan with Sa- To the Travesty readers: Never mantha, and Kathryn—I will al- forget. Ever. 18 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com WETTING OUR PANTS since 1997 OPINION • 19 Penguins are fucking everywhere God: he’s just not that into you Herb Cantwell I know this is a rude awakening, Concerned patriot America, but somebody had to do Lucy Fur Wormwood Seriously. This is getting ridicu- it. We have been lulled to sleep by a A Messenger lous. What’s the deal with these fuck- deceptive lullaby sung by the icy mis- You go to church every Sunday. ing penguins? Remember when you tresses of the North, and their rising You volunteer at a soup kitchen could turn your head and not see a threat looms over our borders like twice per week. You have a Je- penguin staring you in the face with the shadow of a terrible nightmare sus fish on your Dodge Stratus. its beady, lifeless eyes? I do. That was above our beds. Myself, I haven’t Heck, you’re even saving yourself nice. slept in months. Every time I close for Mr. Right! So why do things Am I the only whose bothered by my eyes, I’m haunted with terrible vi- seem to just never go your way? sions of the penguin holocaust...pen- the exploding penguin population? It’s not you, honey. It’s God. He’s guins forcing all able-bodied men Am I the only one who thinks it’s a just not that into you. into oppressive slave labor...penguins problem? That seems to be the case, Those 10 pounds you put on tearing at the flesh of my wife...pen- and that’s quite possibly the most last month? Your demotion at disturbing part of this whole penguin guins taking turns raping my daugh- Jack n’ the Box? The D+ on your God to notice you. And stop mak- fiasco. I’m convinced that penguin ters. Sons of bitches. Goddamn sons intro to nutrition exam? Proof saturation of the media has indoctri- of bitches. ing excuses for Him! For one, He to Japan in World War II. So for de- nated the masses into penguin toler- What can you do to curtail the that God’s just not that into you. doesn’t care about ruining your cades they’ve been sitting and bid- ance. While I hate to admit it, Noam penguin problem? First of all, vote Now, the first step in reconciling friendship. He also doesn’t care ing their time, formulating their ne- Chomsky was right. Republican. Hopefully, we can man- with this cold, hard fact is not to about taking it slow. And He’s farious plan. And slowly but surely, Remember when “March of the age to confine them to a few insig- blame yourself! God is a fickle most certainly not playing games they’ve been slipping into our way of Penguins” came out? That movie nificant districts and minimize their being. He may not be into your with you. He’s just not that into life not unlike the way their demon- made, like, a billion dollars. That’s a political clout. because you used His name in you! Move on, sister! YOU are a like newborn slip into the cool waters billion dollars going straight into the Secondly, and most importantly, vain that one time last year. Or modern woman and YOU have around an icy glacier. pockets of these fucking penguins, arm yourselves. Collect whatever because you didn’t forward the to EMPOWER YOURSELF! But worse yet, they don’t even and yet I’m the only one who seems you have available to pierce their “101 Ways to Love Jesus” e-mail You can see the kind of peo- bother to learn our language. Whose to be frightened by the thought of small skulls and prepare to protect from your Aunt Betsy to 20 peo- ple God is into just by flipping country do you think this is, you hundreds of thousands of marching your home. It is likely that they still ple in 20 minutes. through the Bible: Moses, Da- tuxedo-wearing asshole? If I get the penguins with disposable income. have not completely adapted to warm Let’s just take a minute to vid, Noah. You should face up wrong order at Wendy’s again be- Marching where? I’ll tell you weather, so run your heaters non- look at the facts. God is both to it now; you can’t be like these where — across our fucking borders. cause the fucking penguin at the stop. Their greatest natural predators drive-thru doesn’t speak English or omnipotent and omniscient. He people. First off, you’re probably More like “Invasion of the Penguins.” are killer whales and leopard seals, so hears you, He just chooses not not Jewish. And secondly, you’re have opposable thumbs, I am just if you have the means, procure a few I mean, I haven’t seen the film, but to respond. He can raise some- no saint. You were born with the writing is all over the damned gonna snap. of these and station them at each en- one from the dead, so of course original sin. Honey, that’s just the wall. Somehow, the slippery bastards And they don’t discipline their trance of your place of residence. He could have gotten you out of way God made you. You’ll never managed to get to Morgan Freeman, children. God sent ten plagues upon Egypt, and if they managed that, it might al- Speaking of children, have you and now he sends a plague of pen- that traffic ticket. How can you be up to God’s standards. But you ready be too late. noticed that there are two animated guins down upon America. I’ll be commit to someone if they aren’t shouldn’t have to be. Don’t work No, I’m not kidding. Their beaks penguin movies being released in the damned before I see my country meeting you halfway? to satisfy His impossible de- are razor sharp, and they can use coming months? It’s obvious they’re turned over to the ice-loving spawn So for the time being, YOU mands, because you know what? their fins to slowly bludgeon us to trying to brainwash our impression- of a frozen hell. It’s time to unite have to take control of your life! You won’t! It’s time to move on. death. Sure, they may not be able to able youths, but I’m not falling for it. against them, so join me. Join me in Don’t let God get you down. It’s God’s just not that into you? Well fly, but it’s only a matter of time. I’ll blind my kids before I let them turning against our penguin oppres- a waste of YOUR time to sit in now it’s time to not be that in to And it won’t be any kind of sur- be subjected to any penguin propa- sors, because, quite frankly, penguins church every Sunday, waiting for God. prise attack. They saw what we did ganda. are fucking everywhere. He’ll definitely treat me better when we’re married! Katie Jensen makes relationships easier. ents or not, and my daddy says that those crazy possessive boyfriends, Hopeless Romantic Sure, the time he cheated on me responsibility is a key attribute in any but he really is a great guy deep down So I’ve been dating Jeff on and off with two of my sorority sisters when good man. Although Jeff has never inside, and he’ll definitely be sweeter for the last four years, and we’ve hit I was in the hospital with appendi- really held a steady job, often goes when he’s my hubby. I remember this a couple of rough patches like in any citis was pretty horrible, but every- weeks at a time without calling me one time he got me this really sexy relationship. But as graduation ap- one makes mistakes. My best friend and won’t ever look my father in the lingerie from Victoria’s Secret for proaches for both of us in December, Trisha kept telling me to break up eye, I have this crazy feeling that he’ll Easter, and he totally got all my sizes I have this crazy feeling he’s gonna with him after that, but then I real- turn it all around when we share the right without me even telling him pop the question any day now. Call it ized that Trish is just jealous because same last name. what they were. I guess it was kind women’s intuition. she’s overweight and alone. And I Oh yeah, and once we get mar- of strange that he left it crumpled So I’m super excited because once definitely don’t want to be alone. Or ried, Jeff won’t have to deal with all up and damp in the back seat of his we’re married, everything’s gonna be overweight! of those jealousy and rage issues he truck, but I found it anyway! so much better! No more worrying Call me an optimist but I just have struggles so much with right now. Marriage is gonna be so awesome. about him getting too drunk with his this feeling that all these minor prob- He can’t divorce me through a text But even though my friends, parents, buddies, no more using my monthly lems are just gonna fade away when message when he sees me eating and even his parents don’t think he’s clothes allowance to bail him out of we both say “I do.” I mean the time lunch with one of my old guy friends right for me I just can’t wait to tie the jail, and no more constantly second- he showed up to my uncle’s funeral from high school, and he definitely knot with Jeff. And if by some chance guessing myself over whether he two hours late and high on mush- at Blockbuster. What a sweetie! can’t slash tires and break his jaw two marriage doesn’t turn out to be the thinks I’m pretty! All that college rooms was pretty insensitive, but he I just can’t wait to get a little puppy weeks later when he sees him at a frat picnic that I think it will, then at least immaturity is just gonna fly right out totally made it up to me later that together. It’ll be like our first test to party. I won’t have to work for the rest of the window because marriage just night when he let me pick the movie see if we’re gonna be responsible par- I know it sounds like Jeff is one of my life. God wrote on my facebook wall. OPINION • 19 20 • FEATURES texas travesty • OCTOBER 2006 Comics

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THE NOTORIOUS OPEN MIC BEGINNING LEVEL IMPROV CLASSES Sure, open mic nights tend to attract the This intro-level workshop is designed for unfunniest people in town, but it’s worth anyone who wants to have fun with improv sitting through them to hear three minutes or take their comedy skills to the next level. from local up and coming comics like Seth Through games and exercises with trained Cockfield, Kerri Lendo, Chris Kelmling.... professionals, you too can learn the basic art and too many others to name. And if you’re of improv. This six-week workshop is taught by lucky, you just might get to see our very Andy Crouch. November 11 through Decem- own staff and alumni perform. Thursdays at ber 16, Saturdays 1-4 p.m. $140 to register. The 10 p.m. The Velveeta Room, 521 Sixth, 469- Hideout Theatre, 617 Congress, 443-3688. 9116. THE FRIDAY IMPROV THREEFER MATT BEARDEN The Austin Improv Collective specialty: Matt Bearden is the winner of the 2002 Three improv teams perform in rapid-fire Funniest Person in Austin Contest, and has succession for the price of one. Sounds like recently appeared on Comedy Central’s a veritable sampler of funny. Friday at 8 p.m. Premium Blend and A&E’s reality train- The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443- wreck “Rollergirls”. He made his basic cable 3688. debut as “Quentin” on MTV’s non-reality train-wreck “Austin Stories.” He’s opened THE CAGEMATCH for Dave Chappelle in front of 12.000 fans Two teams enter, one team leaves. The ulti- and performed in Slidell, LA for 1 person mate improv showdown where groups face on Sept 12, 2001. With Doug Connolly and off and the audience decides on the winner. Carey Moore. November 17 & 18, 9:30 & Winner returns the following week. With 11:30 PM, $5, The Velveeta Room, 521 Sixth stage time at stake, teams put their best foot Street, 469-9116. forward. Fridays at 11:30 p.m., The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. $7-$10. THURSDAY NIGHT AWESOME A variety show hosted by Chris Trew and di- MAESTRO rected by Dave Buckman that puts comedy It’s every improviser for himself in this high- in neat little compartments that’s easy for energy series of improv games. Join the au- you to swallow. It’s like a comedy cafeteria dience and eliminate player one by one, Survi- tray with places for stand-up, sketch, and vor style. The last one standing is crowned improv comedy as well as short films and Maestro. Saturdays at 10 p.m., The Hideout music. New lineups each week! Details at Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. $7-$10. ThursdayNightAwesome.com! Thursdays at 8 p.m., The Hideout Theatre, 617 Congress, THE BLANK SHOW 443-3688 An open improv jam similar to Maestro but with more filth, smut, and raunch! This show DOUBLE BARREL IMPROV is reserved for viewers without sensitive This event features two troupes and no senses of humor. Saturdays at 11:30 p.m., rules. Double Barrel Improv showcases two The Hideout Theatre, 617 Congress, 443- experienced troupes, their finest material, 3688. Free. and extended sets. Fridays at 10 p.m., The Hideout Theater, 617 Congress, 443-3688. ESTHER’S FOLLIES Part magic show, past vaudeville review, part improv tour-de-force, Esther’s Follies takes no prisoners, offering biting satire on all the news makers and events fit to parody. Thursdays at 8pm, Friday and Saturday at 8 & 10 p.m. Es- ther’s Follies, 525 Sixth, 320-0553 for reserva- tions. $20 (student discounts available)

Free castration: Act now or forever hold your penis. features • 21