SUSPENSE: Live at Austin Peay By John C. Alsedek & Dana Perry-Hayes
©2020 Blue Hours Productions
2
INTRODUCTION
CUE CASUAL GROUP MUTTERING CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE RAPID FOOTSTEPS CUE DIRECTOR CLAPPING
DIRECTOR (a bit officious) Everyone, everyone! Can I have your attention?
CUE GROUP IGNORING DIRECTOR CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
DIRECTOR (a bit more peevish) Excuse me! I said “Everyone, can I have your attention??”
CUE GROUP IGNORING DIRECTOR CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
DIRECTOR (exasperated) People! Your director is speaking! And it’s very important!
CUE GROUP IGNORING DIRECTOR CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
MIDGE (very meekly) Quiet on the set.
CUE SUDDEN STOP TO MUTTERING
3
DIRECTOR (sarcastic) Oh, thank you soooo much! (beat, back to business) Listen, I know everyone’s very excited that NINE LIVES has been picked up for the fall season…
CUE LIGHT APPLAUSE
DIRECTOR (continuing) And that you’re all getting an extra-long spring break.
CUE MUCH LOUDER APPLAUSE
DIRECTOR (with emphasis) BUT…in order for us to get out of here a week early, that means we have to record all five of next week’s episodes of NINE LIVES before we leave this evening.
CUE LIGHT GROAN FROM GROUP
DIRECTOR And groaning about it won’t help! (more confidentially) Listen, I want some time away from all of you every bit as much as you all want some time away from me.
CUE RANDOM SNORT
DIRECTOR (ignoring that) So, let’s just knock these out. We’re starting with ‘Red Rook, White King, Black Cat.’ Everyone have their sides? (not waiting for response) Good! The Foley artist and I will pick up the extra characters as notated. Is our engineer ready with the transcription disks?
4
CUE LIGHT BUZZER EFFECT
DIRECTOR Foley artist?
CUE HORSES CLOPPING SOUND EFFECT
DIRECTOR Then we’re ready to go! Anyone have any questions before we start?
GLADYS (a bit hesitantly) Well, since you ask…
DIRECTOR (ignoring GLADYS) Since we don’t have any questions, places! (beat, countdown) Five…four…three…
CUE SILENT TWO-COUNT CUE NINE LIVES THEME MUSIC CUE SEGUE INTO ‘RED ROOK, WHITE KING, BLACK CAT’
END SCENE
OPENING NARRATION Tonight, we take pleasure in bringing you…SUSPENSE.
A weekly anthology of notable melodramas from stage & screen, fiction & radio, presented each week to bring you to the edge of your chair. To keep you in…SUSPENSE.
5
SCENE ONE
KITTY (narration) It was shaping up to be a night like any other in the city that never sleeps. I’d just arrived for my shift at the Midnight Club, and was getting changed when my best (beat)- okay, only- friend, Julie Marsden walked in…
CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
JULIE Why, hello there, Kitten!
KITTY Why, hello there, Songbird!
CUE PUFFING ON CIGARETTE
KITTY (disapprovingly) Hey, I thought you gave those up! 6
JULIE Ah, I did. But… Guess sometimes you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks!
KITTY Julie, you are anything but a dog!
JULIE (fondly) Awwww…you know what I mean!
KITTY (fondly back) I do. (beat) Speaking of tricks, how’s the house?
JULIE Real bunch of live wires tonight. (beat) Dentist convention’s in town.
KITTY (sighing) Oh boy.
JULIE (teasing) But something tells me it’s not your teeth they’ll be giving their undivided attention when you’re on stage.
KITTY (morosely) Never is, Julie.
JULIE Hey, it’s just par for the course. (beat) This’ll cheer you up, though- there’s a stack of fan mail for you!
7
KITTY (bemusedly) Let me guess…more marriage proposals?
CUE SHUFFLING PAPER
JULIE (leafing through letters) A few. This one’s an emir, from…Khwar…Khwariz… (long beat) Spain!
KITTY (teasing) Spain? Julie, I think it’s been about 500 years since there was an emir there.
JULIE (sheepishly) Well, he’s the emir of someplace! KITTY Ah, they’re a dime a dozen.
JULIE Literally- he’s the twelfth emir you’ve heard from in the past three months!
CUE BOTH WOMEN LAUGHING JULIE (turning more serious) Hmmm…you also got a telegram- request for you to do a private performance tomorrow night.
KITTY (blasé) Pass.
JULIE It’s good money. And what’s Julie’s First Rule? (beat) Having money is nice. 8
KITTY (parroting JULIE) Having money is nice.
KITTY But I make great money here- I mean, I’m the headliner at New York’s most famous nightclub!
JULIE But you’re not getting any younger, kid. Take it from someone who wishes she’d have done things differently- when you get a chance to sock away a little extra moolah, you take it!
KITTY Julie, I hate private parties! At least here at the club, we’ve got some muscle around to handle the real creeps. At private functions, the line between ‘ogler’ and ‘fondler’ can disappear in a snap- and it’s especially awkward when it’s the host!
JULIE (pressing her point) I really don’t think that will be a problem with this one, Kitty Cat. It’s a diplomatic function being hosted by Alexander Meszaros. KITTY Alexander Meszaros? The multi-millionaire industrialist?
JULIE (excitedly) Yes! He and his wife are hosting a group of politicos from the U.S. and Hungary as part of an exhibition in his penthouse gallery.
KITTY (making excuses) 9
Ahhhh…but tomorrow night’s my first night off in two weeks, and Mittens & I have a hot date with a cold saucer of milk…
JULIE (ignoring her) That tomcat of yours can wait. Don’t you want to do your part to take some of the chill off the Cold War?
KITTY (dryly) I’ll start writing my Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech now. (clearing throat) “I, Kitty Divine, stripper extraordinaire, the toast of the Big Apple, am honored to accept this year’s award…”
JULIE Hardy har har. Make with the yucks all you want, but this exhibition is big stuff- these twin emeralds haven’t been in the same place in over a century!
KITTY (ears perking up) Twin emeralds?
JULIE Yes! The (reading) ‘Hunyadi Twins’, a matched set of emeralds that were once among the crown jewels of Hungary…seems that the Meszaros family ended up with one of them when they emigrated to the U.S. in the mid- 1800’s. The Hungarian government is negotiating for its return after the exhibition, and that would be a big step forward in U.S./Hungarian relations!
KITTY (suddenly changing her tune) 10
Well, let it not be said that Kitty Divine isn’t willing to use her feminine charms to help bring down the Iron Curtain.
JULIE Attagirl, Kitty!
CUE BAND STARTING TO PLAY CUE HOOTING AND HOLLERING OF CROWD
JULIE And speaking of bringing down the curtain…sounds like they’re playing your song! KITTY From the sound of that crowd, Berlioz’s ‘March to the Scaffold’ would be more appropriate.
JULIE Shoo!!! I’ll call and get the details for tomorrow night.
END SCENE
SCENE TWO
KITTY (narration) I’d like to say that it was a sense of patriotism or a desire for world peace that made me accept. But this is a kitty with multiple lives, and those priceless emeralds piqued the curiosity of one in particular- one who loves anything that sparkles. And so it was that, late the next afternoon, I found myself on an elevator 11
headed to the penthouse of the majestic Collberg Heights…
CUE ELEVATOR RUNNING CUE ELEVATOR MUSIC
EDGARS Mr. Meszaros will be waiting for you, Miss Divine.
KITTY Thank you.
CUE ELEVATOR STOPPING CUE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING
EDGARS Here she is, Mr. Meszaros.
STEPHEN (dismissively) You may go now, Edgars.
EDGARS Yes, sir.
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING CUE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSING CUE SEVERAL FOOTSTEPS
KITTY (introducing herself) Kitty Divine.
STEPHEN (borderline leering) You certainly are.
KITTY (diplomatically sidestepping) 12
Mr. Meszaros, you’re much…younger than I was anticipating.
STEPHEN (laughing snidely) Oh, you’re thinking of my father. I’m Stephen, the king-in-waiting.
KITTY King-in-waiting?
STEPHEN I was named for King Stephen I, the first monarch of Hungary.
KITTY Wasn’t he a saint?
STEPHEN Yes. (a bit creepy) But in that respect, we most definitely differ. (beat) Still, when my father…kicks the bucket, so to speak, I’ll take the throne of the Meszaros empire- factories in ten countries, oil concerns, a shipping line.
KITTY Most impressive. (beat) Is your father in poor health?
STEPHEN No, but he’s bound to die sooner or later. (suggestively) And then I’ll be in the market for a queen.
KITTY Well, I’m sure there will be no shortage of prospects.
STEPHEN (pointedly) 13
Actually, I already have one in mind.
KITTY (diplomatic) What a fortunate woman she must be.
STEPHEN I’m glad you feel that way. Would you do me the honor of attending tonight’s pre-opening reception as my special guest?
KITTY (obliquely) How can I say “no” to an offer like that?
STEPHEN (only half-joking) You can’t- it’s in your contract.
CUE STEPHEN LAUGHING A VERY FAKE LAUGH CUE KITTY LAUGHING, ALSO VERY FAKE
STEPHEN Then it’s settled. I’ll come for you after your… (leering) performance. You’ll have a room four floors down, in the guest wings.
KITTY Oh really? How many floors does your father (subtle dig) own? STEPHEN (missing the dig) The top five. Ballroom and exhibition hall here on the penthouse level, our family quarters on the next three floors, then the guest rooms.
KITTY So this is where the exhibit is? (turning on the charm) I’d love to see it…that is, if you can spare the time.
14
STEPHEN (creepily magnanimous) For you, my dear, I have nothing but time. But first, how about a drink?
KITTY Oh, thank you, but it’s a bit early for me.
STEPHEN Early? It’s 3 in the afternoon.
KITTY Yes, but I’m normally not out of bed before 4.
STEPHEN (double entendre) I can only imagine. (changing it up) Well, I’ll have a drink for each of us. And then I’ll show you the Hunyadi Smaragdzoldek.
CUE FOOTSTEPS TO BAR CUE GLASS CLINKING CUE DRINK POURING
KITTY The what?
STEPHEN The Hunyadi Twins. Matched emeralds so perfectly cut that even a master jeweler would be hard-pressed to tell them apart.
KITTY They must be priceless.
CUE WALKING TOWARDS GALLERY
15
STEPHEN Indeed they are. In fact, I’ve personally taken out a sizeable insurance policy on them. (as if catching himself) Not that any burglar would have the slightest chance of stealing them, of course.
KITTY (incredulous) Not even that notorious jewel thief, La Chat?
STEPHEN (laughing a bit meanly) Not even that notorious jewel thief La Chat. We have a state-of-the art security system for the gallery.
KITTY (playing dumb) State-of-the-art? What do you mean?
STEPHEN (in a mildly patronizing tone) Well, first of all there’s the location- at the top of a 50-story building, access only via two guarded elevators and an alarmed emergency stairway. Then there’s the gallery itself.
CUE STOP WALKING
STEPHEN Chrome steel entry doors, opened only by pass code.
CUE TYPING PASS CODE CUE DOOR OPENING
STEPHEN And surrounding the display case, an invisible beam alarm system, deactivated by a separate pass code (a bit bitterly) known only to my father. 16
KITTY It all sounds most elaborate and quite foolproof! (casually) What about that skylight? It’s alarmed, of course!
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
STEPHEN Of course. Though who but a birdman could get in that way, I can’t imagine.
UMARAS (overhearing) A birdman, or a skilled and determined burglar. I have expressed my concerns in that regard to your head of security, but he assures me that the Hunyadi Smaragdzoldek are as safe as they would be in your ‘Fort Knox’.
STEPHEN (sighing loudly) Miss Divine, may I introduce Gintautas Umaras, a member of the Soviet consul staff?
KITTY Mr. Umaras.
UMARAS (curtly) Miss Divine. (continuing) Yet I find it hard to be assured of your security measures when it seems as if anyone can gain access to the exhibition. (pointedly) This young lady, for example.
17
STEPHEN (huffily) This young lady is one of the most renowned entertainers in the world, and is here now as my personal guest!
UMARAS Really? And how long have you personally known her?
STEPHEN (stumped) Why…I…
UMARAS Exactly. She could be a master thief, and you would not have the slightest idea. (merest hint of a bow) No offense meant, Miss Divine.
KITTY None taken, Mr. Umaras.
UMARAS This exhibition is of vital importance to East/West relations. (ominously) For your sake, I hope it proceeds without incident. Good day.
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING
END SCENE SCENE THREE
KITTY (narration) In point of fact, it was impossible for me to take even the slightest offense at Umaras’s comments. Still, I had to make it look good for Stephen Meszaros. After playing the tearful, insulted damsel for an hour, I made good my escape and took a catnap before my performance. This was going to be a very long night… 18
CUE MUSIC IN BACKGROUND CUE KITTY FINISHING HER SONG CUE APPLAUSE CUE STEPPING OFF STAGE CUE BACKGROUND CHATTER
STEPHEN (a bit drunk) Well, I must say, Miss Divine- you really are quite the… (slimy pause) singer.
KITTY (false smile) Why, I do thank you!
STEPHEN Shall we join the party?
KITTY What? Now? I should at least powder my nose.
STEPHEN Your nose looks perfect. (beat) Along with everything else.
KITTY (demurely) But doesn’t it seem a bit gauche to have me mingling in a dress that was half-off two minutes ago? STEPHEN (cheerily pushy) I insist.
KITTY (shrugging) Suit yourself. Just let me finish getting ready.
CUE ZIPPER GOING UP
19
KITTY There. Now, I’m ready.
CUE HIGH HEELS WALKING CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
STEPHEN (sarcastically) Oh, goody. Right on cue.
KITTY What?
STEPHEN (sighing) My parents. (false cheer) Mater! Pater!
ALEXANDER (coldly) Stephen.
ELENA You seem to be having a good time. (pointedly) Perhaps too much so.
STEPHEN Why, whatever do you mean?
ALEXANDER (bluntly) You’re drunk.
ELENA Which, unfortunately, seems to be your usual state.
STEPHEN Nonsense! Just doing my part to make this historic event a bit more…lively! 20
ALEXANDER ‘Nonsense’ is an apt choice of words.
ELENA (low but firm) It isn’t bad enough that you’re the butt of every joke in the gossip columns? But you are not going to embarrass us this evening, in front of dignitaries from three nations.
ALEXANDER Drunk, boisterous, squiring Miss Divine around just moments after she finished…(awkward pause) her act.
KITTY (tactfully) Um…perhaps I should excuse myself.
ELENA (firmly) No. You stay. (beat) Stephen, you go.
STEPHEN Oh, I’ll go, all right. I’ll go get myself another drink!
CUE FOOTSTEPS STORMING OFF CUE AWKWARD PAUSE
KITTY Mr. and Mrs. Meszaros, my apologies if I’ve made a difficult situation even worse.
ALEXANDER (a bit brusque) That’s not necessary, Miss Divine.
KITTY 21
Thank you, but I understand. I mean, having your son being seen with an ‘entertainer’ at such an important diplomatic function must be a little…impolitic.
ALEXANDER (somewhat softer) You misunderstand. (beat) Our family isn’t old money. We built our fortune on strength of back and force of will. Work is work, and I have no reason to look askance at anyone who earns an honest dollar.
ELENA But there are some who wouldn’t know a thing about that. (beat) Our son, for instance. Unlike us, he was born into wealth, and though we’ve tried to impress upon him the value of a good work ethic and a solid moral base, I’m afraid we’ve failed miserably.
KITTY (trying to soften things) Well, I don’t know if it’s as bad as all that…
ALEXANDER He’s a sodden wastrel.
ELENA And even though he’s our sodden wastrel, there are limits. Stephen has left us no choice but to cut him off completely. Perhaps, if he’s left to his own devices, he’ll find his way…
ALEXANDER (cutting her off somewhat) In any case, that’s neither here nor there. It was good to meet you, Miss Divine. (a bit awkward) You really are quite the…singer.
KITTY Thank you, Mr. Meszaros…Mrs. Meszaros. It was good to meet you as well. 22
ELENA (in parting) Miss Divine.
CUE FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY CUE BRIEF PAUSE CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
STEPHEN Thank God. I was afraid the Spanish Inquisition was never going to disband. Hopefully, Mr. and Mrs. Torquemada weren’t too hard on you.
KITTY (subtly insulting STEPHEN) Actually, I found them to be courteous and quite sensible.
STEPHEN (mock sympathy) You poor, misguided creature. I strongly suggest you have a drink…
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
STEPHEN (muttering under breath) Ugh…out of the frying pan, and into the fire…
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING UMARAS Good evening, Miss Divine.
KITTY Mr. Umaras.
STEPHEN (snarky) Comrade. 23
UMARAS (coldly) Mr. Meszaros, the lesser. (beat) I see you are giving the security of the Hunyadi emeralds your usual single- minded attention. (somewhat warmer) Miss Divine, I was most impressed with your performance. Your reputation precedes you, even behind the ‘Iron Curtain’. Western decadence, to be sure. But inspired decadence nonetheless. (diplomatically) And you really are quite the…singer.
KITTY (dryly) I get that a lot. (awkward pause) My, that’s an interesting tie clasp. A rook, isn’t it?
UMARAS It is. I am a chess master in my native Lithuania.
STEPHEN (cruelly) Being a Communist flunky, wouldn’t a pawn be more appropriate for you?
KITTY (interceding) Actually, the rook is an excellent choice, Mr. Umaras- it’s one of the major pieces in chess.
UMARAS You are most astute, Miss Divine. Other than the queen, the rook is the most powerful piece on the board. I wear this to remind me of that which is most important 24
in my life. For another man, this rook would be something else. (calculated beat) In the case of Mr. Meszaros the Lesser for example, a martini glass would be most appropriate.
STEPHEN (stung but trying to hide it) Don’t be silly, Comrade. I’d have martini glass cufflinks. I’m a two-fisted drinker, after all. (getting wound up) I’m two-fisted in other things too, if you catch my meaning.
KITTY (cutting him off) Yes, well, it’s been good talking with you, Mr. Umaras! But we really must be going.
UMARAS (almost courtly) Good evening, Miss Divine.
CUE HURRIED FOOTSTEPS
STEPHEN (angrily) What was the big idea???
KITTY (loud sotto voce) In case you’ve forgotten, this is a diplomatic function! I’m just trying to keep you from doing anything that would upset your parents.
STEPHEN I don’t give a damn what they think! In just a few days, I’ll be coming into a fortune of my own! 25
KITTY (very coolly) In that case, Mr. Meszaros, you won’t have any trouble paying my bill. Send the check care of the Midnight Club.
STEPHEN (caught off-guard by her sudden backbone) But…
KITTY (quiet but forceful) Good night.
CUE HIGH HEELS WALKING AWAY
END SCENE
SCENE FOUR
KITTY (narration) And that was the end of the evening for world-famous burlesque star Kitty Divine- but only the beginning of the night for world-famous cat burglar La Chat…
CUE MUSICAL THEME 26
CUE OPENING WINDOW CUE STREET NOISES BELOW CUE LIGHT WIND
KITTY (narration) The gallery was four floors straight up…nothing in the other direction but 500 feet of cool night air. No wind, minimal moonlight, excellent handholds & footholds in the seams of the limestone slabs…an easy climb.
CUE LIGHT FOOTSTEPS ON ROOF
KITTY (narration) A careful examination of the skylight revealed it to have not one, but two, magnetic alarms- Hammacher 203’s, a sturdy, weatherproof design, but child’s play to bypass.
CUE GENTLE LIFTING OF SKYLIGHT PANEL CUE VERY QUIET ENTRY CUE SLIDING DOWN LINE
KITTY (narration) Within moments, I had lowered myself to the floor at the rear of the gallery. All that was left was to locate and maneuver past the invisible beam alarms… And then I realized something. (long beat) I wasn’t in the gallery alone.
27
CUE MUSIC SWELL CUE NUMBERS BEING TAPPED INTO KEYPAD CUE SILENCE CUE NUMBERS BEING TAPPED INTO KEYPAD CUE SILENCE
STEPHEN (sotto voce) Damn it!
KITTY (narration) It was Stephen Meszaros.
CUE NUMBERS BEING TAPPED INTO KEYPAD CUE SILENCE
STEPHEN (voice rising) This is the number I found written down in Father’s private papers! Why won’t it work???
CUE NUMBERS BEING TAPPED INTO KEYPAD CUE SILENCE
UMARAS (low but menacing) Because your father has the passcode changed on a regular basis.
CUE MUSIC STAB KITTY (narration) And Umaras? Curiouser and curiouser…
STEPHEN (shocked) What are you doing here???
UMARAS 28
I might ask you the same question. (beat) But then, I already know the answer.
STEPHEN (fumbling) Why, I…I…wanted to test the security system for myself!
UMARAS Please, do not insult my intelligence. I’m well aware of your plan.
STEPHEN Wha…what are you talking about???
UMARAS Without your parents’ knowledge, you purchased an insurance policy on the Hunyadi Twins- which you are now in the process of stealing. Between the insurance settlement and the black market sale of the emeralds, you anticipate making a minimum of ten million American dollars.
STEPHEN (clearly stunned) Th…that’s ridiculous! I’m the heir to a fortune worth twenty times that!
UMARAS Except that you are no longer heir to anything, as your parents have recently made certain changes to their wills. (beat) Changes you no doubt suspected, which led you to conceive this plan.
STEPHEN (subdued) That still doesn’t explain why you’re here, Umaras. 29
UMARAS For the same reason as you, though for a different motive.
STEPHEN You want to steal the jewels???
UMARAS If both the Hunyadi Twins are returned to the Hungarian people, it will create an air of conciliation between the United States and Hungary- an air that runs counter to the wishes of my superiors in the Kremlin.
STEPHEN (some forced bravado) Well, Comrade, then we have a problem. Because I’m not leaving here empty-handed.
UMARAS You’re not leaving here at all.
STEPHEN (the horrible truth sinking in) What?
UMARAS You have set yourself up as the prime suspect. But in order for you to remain the prime suspect, you will need to disappear. (beat) Permanently.
CUE SOUND OF GAROTTE WIRE BEING DRAWN
STEPHEN (terrified) Wait! No! There’s no need for this! I can go away! I’ll become a ghost!
UMARAS (deadpan) 30
You will, indeed.
CUE PANICKED SHUFFLING OF FEET
STEPHEN Get back! I’ll…I’ll set off the alarms! Then we’ll both be caught!
CUE FOOTSTEPS RUNNING CUE TACKLING SOUND CUE GAROTTE WIRE AROUND THROAT CUE BRIEF STRUGGLE
STEPHEN (choking) No…don’t…pl…
CUE THUD ON FLOOR
UMARAS My condolences, young Meszaros. But in this game, it is you who were but a mere pawn. And pawns seldom survive for long. (beat) As soon as I have disposed of you, I will complete my work here.
CUE CARRYING OFF BODY CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE MUSIC INTERLUDE
KITTY (narration) A dead man on the floor…a pair of emeralds bearing the weight of East/West relations…and a Soviet spy determined to steal them. Whatever was a cat burglar to do?
CUE MUSIC SWELL
31
END SCENE
SCENE FIVE
KITTY (narration) Whatever was a cat burglar to do, indeed…
CUE BACKSTAGE CHATTER CUE DOOR OPENING CUE FOOTSTEPS ENTERING 32
JULIE (excitedly) Wow, Kitty Cat, what the heck happened last night???
KITTY (playing dumb) Why, whatever do you mean, Songbird?
CUE SHAKING NEWSPAPER
JULIE (incredulous) Haven’t you read the papers???
KITTY (blandly) Never do.
JULIE Well…the Hunyadi Twins were stolen from the exhibition last night!!!
KITTY (playing dumb) No!!!
JULIE Yes!!! And the son of Alexander Meszaros has gone missing!
KITTY You don’t say! (beat) Is he a suspect in the thefts?
JULIE (very animated) No! The police believe it was none other than La Chat- one of her trademark opera gloves was found at the scene of the crime!
33
KITTY (outraged) Why, that fiend! Risking East/West relations for her own personal gain! (sighing) So the emeralds are gone for good- doubtless fenced by now to the sleaziest of sleazes.
JULIE (puzzled) That’s just it…La Chat stole the Hunyadi Twins- and then returned them to their rightful owners! One was found in the office safe at the Hungarian Consulate, the other in the bedroom safe of Alexander Meszaros.
KITTY Really? How odd!
KITTY (thinking) Well, let it never be said that Kitty Divine isn’t willing to do her part in the pursuit of world peace.
JULIE (continuing) And then, La Chat stole the other contents of both safes- nearly $50,000 in cash plus jewelry worth an additional $50,000.
KITTY (outraged) The gall!
KITTY (thinking) Then again, let it never be said that Kitty Divine is a chump. After all, Julie’s right- money IS nice.
CUE KITTY INSTRUMENTAL FADEOUT
34
FADE TO BLACK
EPISODE 1-2 SEGUE
CUE ‘NINE LIVES’ THEME FADEOUT CUE MOMENT OF SILENCE
DIRECTOR And cut. (beat) All right, take five! Then we’ll get into the next episode- ‘Duel of the Double-Crosses’. (beat, to MIDGE) Script girl! Be a dear and hand out the sides, will you?
MIDGE (meekly) Yes, sir.
DIRECTOR What’s that?
MIDGE (meekly) I said “Yes, sir”.
CUE GROUP MUTTERING CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
GLADYS (sounding very serious) Excuse me, Mr. Director, but I have a question.
DIRECTOR (sighing dramatically, muttering) Of course you do.
GLADYS 35
(ignoring the snide remark) I’m still unclear as to what my motivation is.
DIRECTOR (raising an eyebrow) You’ve been playing Kitty Divine for an entire season, and now you ask?
GLADYS (a bit snide herself) I’ve been trying to ask for an entire season, only my ‘director’ is always too busy for me!
DIRECTOR (peak sarcasm) All right, you want to know what your motivation is? A paycheck. That’s your motivation.
GLADYS (sounding a bit superior) That may be all well & good for the other people you work with, but I am an artist and insist on fully understanding all the nuances of my character.
DIRECTOR What’s to understand? Kitty is a burlesque star who moonlights as a cat burglar.
GLADYS But why?
DIRECTOR Why what?
GLADYS Why does she do burlesque? If she’s stealing millions in precious gems, why does she need to work at all?
DIRECTOR Maybe she just likes performing. 36
GLADYS (ignoring that, clearly on a roll) And what does she do with all the money? If she’s fencing all these diamonds and rubies, she should be rolling in the dough. But she seems to live very simply…
DIRECTOR (clearly wanting to exit the conversation) Oh, would you look at that- time to get started on the next episode!
GLADYS (irate) But…
DIRECTOR Sorry! Places everyone!
CUE END TO MUTTERING CUE FOOTSTEPS STARTING AND STOPPING CUE LIGHT BUZZER EFFECT
DIRECTOR (countdown) Five…four…three…
CUE SILENT TWO-COUNT CUE NINE LIVES THEME MUSIC CUE SEGUE INTO ‘DUEL OF THE DOUBLE-CROSSES’
END SCENE
SCENE ONE
CUE INTRO MUSIC
37
KITTY (narration) It was a typical night at the Midnight Club, shortly after closing. But my closest- and only- friend, Julie Marsden, was looking atypically sad. Most nights, I would have just minded my own business and headed home. But recent events had left me to take a long, cold look at myself- and I found I didn’t like who I was seeing. And so...
CUE AMBIENT CLOSING SOUNDS CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING AND STOPPING
KITTY (cheerily) Hello, songbird!
JULIE (distracted) Oh…hello, Kitty cat.
KITTY Look what an admirer left- a box of Chloe Charmaine Chocolates.
CUE PAUSE
KITTY You know- Chloe Charmaine Chocolates. All hand-made. (beat) They’re your favorite.
CUE PAUSE CUE OPENING BOX
KITTY (not giving up, sing-songy) I picked out all the coconut ones…
38
CUE PAUSE
KITTY And the fruit-filled ones. I know you always say they’re (mimicking JULIE) “a waste of good chocolate.”
CUE PAUSE
KITTY (softly) Julie?
JULIE (stumbling to cover up) Oh…sorry! I…I’m just thinking about adding a new number…
KITTY (not buying it) Uh-huh. (gentle) What’s on your mind?
CUE PAUSE
JULIE (softly) It…it’s my pop’s birthday.
KITTY Oh. (beat) You’ve never talked about your father. Is he…um… (pregnant pause)
JULIE (on verge of tears) I don’t know. KITTY (confused) You don’t know if your father is…alive?
39
JULIE I haven’t seen him in twenty years. He just…disappeared.
KITTY (sympathetic but awkward) Oh, Julie…
JULIE (trying to hold it in) Most of the time, I can just act like everything’s okay. But every year…his birthday rolls around…(stifles a sob)
KITTY (unsure what to do) Do you…want to talk? (beat) Maybe it would help.
CUE JULIE SNIFFLING
JULIE (raggedly) My pop was all I had. Mama left when the money in vaudeville dried up- Pop was a big wheel on the vaudeville circuit, you see. Nick Chalet- one half of Elliott & Chalet. You’ve heard of them, right?
KITTY (not wholly convincing) Oh, sure! Who hasn’t? They were big!
JULIE They were huge. Of course, I was just a little girl then. (wistfully) I remember how he’d sit me on the edge of the bathtub while he shaved- I still have his 40
old shaving kit. He’d tell me how it’d be him and me doing an act together one day. He’d say “Jule, you got a heck of a voice. You and me, we’re gonna go places!”
KITTY He was right- you do have a heck of a voice.
JULIE Thanks, Kitty. (a touch sadder) Well, we did end up doing an act together. And we sure did go places… By the time I was a teenager, vaudeville was all but dead- we were barely pulling in enough to make it to the next gig. Pop seemed to always be in trouble with someone over money- we were always skipping out on hotel bills in the middle of the night, running from creditors. But I didn’t care. Pop and I were together, and that’s all that mattered. (long pause) And then one day, he just never came back.
KITTY (cautiously) Did you go to the police?
JULIE Yeah. But they never found anything. For the longest time, I wondered what I’d done wrong to make him go away.
KITTY (trying to console her) Julie, there’s no way it could have been your fault. You can’t blame yourself.
JULIE (not entirely believable) Oh, I don’t anymore. Because finally, I realized that I’d never know what it was. 41
(thoughtful pause) But in a way, it’s like he never left. Sometimes, I can even smell his aftershave…he always wore one called ‘Seafarer’s Way’…don’t think they even make it anymore.
KITTY (to herself) I know the brand…just smelled it not three days ago… (blurting) Julie, do you have a picture of him?
JULIE Well, sure…
CUE DIGGING IN PURSE CUE PULLING OUT PHOTO
KITTY (almost to herself) So this is your father, Nick Chalet…
JULIE I was about 15 here.
KITTY (narration) I didn’t care about that, though. I was too busy looking at her father…because the man in the photo was none other than my very own Nick the Fence.
END SCENE
SCENE TWO
CUE BACKGROUND MUSIC
42
KITTY (narration) With that in mind, I decided to take a little walk- but not as burlesque star Kitty Divine. No, it was my alter ego, the peerless jewel thief La Chat, who needed to pay a visit to her friendly neighborhood stolen goods peddler…
CUE KNOCKING AT DOOR
NICK (from inside) It’s open.
CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
KITTY Hello, Nick.
NICK (warmly) Well, if it isn’t my favorite lady cat burglar. What brings you to these parts? I haven’t heard about any new exploits by the notorious La Chat.
KITTY (turning on the charm) Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and thought I’d say ‘hi’…
NICK (a bit suspicious) You’ve never struck me as the chatty sort. (beat) Come on, don’t try to con a con.
KITTY (sighing) Okay…you’ve been on my mind since the last time I saw you. 43
NICK (chuckling slyly) What can I say? Some guys got it, some don’t. (beat) Sorry- flattered, but a little too old for you, kid.
CUE KITTY LAUGHING IN RESPONSE
KITTY (playing along) Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying. (pause) Actually, I wanted to ask you something… Were you ever in vaudeville?
NICK (suddenly on his guard) Yeah…but that was when you were nothing more than a gleam in your mother’s eye.
KITTY (smoothly, if not entirely convincing) Oh, my mother had a poster from a vaudeville revue that she kept for some reason. As a little girl, I remember staring at it for hours…it just came back to me that one of the men on the poster looked just like you.
NICK (dubious) Really? I’m surprised you could tell. I’ve aged a lot in the past couple of decades. This business will do that.
KITTY It’s the eyes.
NICK Uh-huh.
CUE BRIEF PAUSE 44
KITTY (slowly) So…why did you give it up?
NICK Ah, vaudeville was dead anyway- killed by radio and the motion picture.
KITTY (dubiously) And so you just decided to become a fence?
NICK (unconvincing) Well…Jimmy Cagney made the world of organized crime look so appealing…
KITTY Uh-huh.
NICK (a little dig) About as believable as your story about the poster, huh?
KITTY (chuckling) Not even.
NICK For someone who wears a mask, you’re getting kinda personal.
KITTY Let’s just say that I have a reason for asking. What’s it going to hurt to talk about it?
45
NICK (sighing) I guess you’re right. None of my ‘business associates’ care that I was a star once. Most of them don’t even know what vaudeville was.
KITTY (softly) So what happened?
NICK (plowing in) I had an act with my daughter, Julie- nowhere as big as my old one, mind you…
KITTY (jumping in) You mean Elliott & Chalet?
NICK Yeah, that’s the one. Nowhere near as big as Elliott & Chalet, but a good act. (beat) I also had a gambling problem. And with the moolah in vaudeville drying up, I got myself deep in hock to the mob. You know Louie Scardone?
KITTY Only by reputation.
NICK Keep it that way, if you know what’s good for you.
KITTY So you decided to become a fence in order to pay off Scardone?
NICK (snorting humorlessly) More like it was decided for me. Scardone needed someone to deal with high-end items…I always had an eye 46
for such baubles, back when I could actually afford them, so he decided that I was his man.
KITTY (filling in the blanks) And he made you an offer you couldn’t refuse.
NICK With a teenage daughter to worry about, I couldn’t very well say no. So to keep her safe, I agreed. And to keep from dragging her down with me, I pulled a vanishing act.
KITTY You’ve been fencing for Scardone ever since?
NICK Kid, there’s only one way you retire from a job like this. Feet first.
CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE FOOTSTEPS
SALVATORE (mock convivial) Evening, Nick.
NICK (caught off-guard) Oh, uh…evening, Sal…Luca.
LUCA (chiding) Hey, he doesn’t like being called ‘Sal’. Says it makes him sound like a dame.
NICK (confused) But…he just told me to call him ‘Sal’ last week.
47
SALVATORE And now I’m tellin’ you otherwise. You got a problem with that?
NICK No, no problem.
LUCA And speaking of dames…who’s the dish in the mask?
NICK (fumbling) Oh, just a friend…
KITTY (hastily) Yes, a friend who’s leaving.
SALVATORE Hey hey hey, no need to rush out on our account, pretty lady!
KITTY (dubious) How do you know I’m pretty? I’m wearing a mask.
SALVATORE (trying to be smooth) Oh, you sound pretty.
LUCA (leering) And the way you fill out that black getup…va va va voom!
CUE SMACK TO BACK OF HEAD SALVATORE Whatsa matter with you? You don’t know how to talk to a lady?
48
LUCA But…
SALVATORE (cutting him off) Particularly when that lady might just be that La Chat everybody’s talking about.
KITTY (demurely) Who, me? No, I’m just on my way to a costume party. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be going.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
END SCENE
SCENE THREE
CUE BACKGROUND MUSIC
49
KITTY (narration) My feline intuition told me something was wrong, so I called Nick the next day. He asked me to meet him, but not at his office. So we picked a neutral site for late that afternoon…
CUE CARNIVAL SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
KITTY Hello, Nick.
NICK (a bit startled) Hey, kid. Didn’t recognize you ‘out of uniform’.
KITTY That’s the idea. Don’t want to draw any unwanted attention, after all.
NICK Right. Let’s walk and talk. (beat) Thanks for meeting me here.
KITTY Not a problem. I haven’t been to Coney Island in ages.
CUE CARNY IN BACKGROUND
CARNY (boisterous) Step right up! Step right up! You, sir! Hit the cans and win the pretty lady a kewpie doll!
KITTY (to herself) And now I remember why. (to CARNY) 50
How do you know I’m pretty? I’m wearing enormous sunglasses and a kerchief.
CARNY (a bit flirty) Doll, you could be wearing a Bozo the Clown costume and you’d still be the hottest dish in the whole buffet line. You’ve got it.
KITTY (dubious) It?
CARNY (emphatically) It!
CUE PURSE OPENING CUE COIN SLAPPING ON COUNTER
KITTY Three tries.
CUE BALLS BEING PLACED ON COUNTER
CARNY (condescending) Now, don’t feel bad if you don’t hit anything, toots…
CUE CANS CRASHING THREE TIMES
KITTY And now I’ve got them. Three kewpie dolls, please.
CUE PUTTING DOLLS ON COUNTER
CARNY (stunned) Holy moley…lady, you ought to try out for the Dodgers!
51
KITTY (snidely) They couldn’t afford me. Thanks.
CUE FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY
NICK (whistling in appreciation) Not bad, kid.
KITTY (winking) And that was with my eyes closed. (beat) I’m sure there are a couple of little girls here that would love these. So what’s on your mind, Nick?
NICK It’s about those guys who interrupted us last night.
KITTY You mean those pasty-faced goons? What about them?
NICK They’re the Pallore twins, low-level enforcers for Louie Scardone. Strictly penny-ante, but with delusions of grandeur. And they see you as their ticket to the top.
KITTY (frowning) How so?
NICK (conspiratorial) They figure to get you on the Scardone payroll, thereby earning the eternal gratitude of the boss. 52
KITTY Sorry, I’m an independent contractor.
NICK I know, I know. But they don’t. And even if they did, they’re not the sort to take “no” for an answer.
KITTY (a little concerned) They putting the heat on you, Nick?
NICK (grudgingly) A little. But it’s gonna get worse real quick- for both of us. Unless we do something about it.
KITTY (slyly joking) So, you want me to whack ‘em?
NICK (chuckling) Well, you sure got the aim for it.
KITTY What can I say? A good sense of spatial relations is a must for a cat burglar.
NICK Ha! I’ll bet.
KITTY (back to business) So what’s your plan?
NICK Scardone has a set of ledgers in a wall safe in his study- I know, I’ve seen it. Those ledgers have 53 detailed records of every illegal transaction Scardone has made in the past thirty years.
KITTY That’s a lot of ledgers.
NICK We don’t need all of them- just the one for this year. Pinch that, and we use it as leverage to get the Pallore brothers off both our backs.
KITTY (raising an eyebrow) Nick, burgling a mansion full of armed hoods does not sound like the recipe for a long life.
NICK But that’s the beauty of it! The Pallores let it slip that Scardone and his boys will be out of town tomorrow night. The place will be practically deserted!
KITTY (hesitating) I don’t know…
NICK (cajoling) I’ll buy you a cotton candy.
KITTY (sighing) Done. A girl cannot live on diamonds alone.
END SCENE
SCENE FOUR
CUE BACKGROUND MUSIC 54
KITTY (narration) And so, the next night found me breaking into the mansion of Louie Scardone. For a mobster, his security was positively embarrassing. No alarms, minimal outside lights, and only a couple of sleepy-eyed mugs trudging around the grounds. In no time, I was in through a second-floor window and slinking across Scardone’s office. (beat) And then the lights came on.
CUE LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING ON
SALVATORE (sing-songy) Well, well, well…look what we got here!
LUCA A lady cat who fell right into our trap!
CUE DOPESLAP
LUCA Owww! Hey!
SALVATORE Whaddaya mean our idea?
KITTY (a bit overly dramatic) Oh no! I’ve been tricked by those criminal masterminds, the Pallore brothers!
SALVATORE (very pleased with himself) 55
I see you already know our name. And soon, the whole New York underworld will know it, too.
LUCA (enthusiastically) Yeah! Just like Studs Terkel!
CUE DOPESLAP
LUCA Owww!!!
SALVATORE (exasperated) Stupid! I keep telling you- Studs Terkel ain’t no mobster! Now go get the boss- I’ll keep an eye on our meal ticket here.
CUE GUN BEING COCKED
LUCA (leering) And there sure is a lot worth keeping an eye on there, Sal…
SALVATORE Don’t call me Sal! Sal’s a dame’s name- no one calls me ‘Sal’! No one! You got me?
LUCA Sorry, Salvatore, sorry! I’m going now, Salvatore!
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING
KITTY (a little big) I should have known better than to match wits with Salvatore Pallore! SALVATORE (smug) 56
Got that right. We set you up real good, cat burglar lady.
KITTY You fed Nick the Fence false information, knowing that he’d try to get me to break in!
SALVATORE And now we’ve got you right where we want you. When the boss gets here, we’ll get a look under that mask and see who you are. Then you got no choice but to work for Mr. Scardone.
KITTY And that’ll put you in his good graces.
SALVATORE You got it. Luca and me will be able to write our own ticket!
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
KITTY (sotto voce) More like your ticket’s about to get punched.
LUCA (from hallway) Right this way, Mr. Scardone!
SCARDONE (aggravated) You pasty-faced goons better have a good reason for getting me up in the middle of the night!
LUCA Oh, we do, Mr. Scardone, we do!
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
57
SALVATORE (proudly) Mr. Scardone, sir…meet the world-famous jewel thief La Chat!
SCARDONE (disbelieving) This is the lady cat burglar I’ve been reading about? What’s she doing here?
LUCA We set a trap for her, Mr. Scardone!
CUE DOPESLAP
SALVATORE (gritting his teeth) Again with the “we”, Luca?
SCARDONE (getting more aggravated) Whaddaya mean ‘a trap’?
LUCA (excitedly) Tell him, Salvatore!
KITTY (mocking) Yeah, tell him, Salvatore.
SALVATORE (stumbling over his words) Mr. Scardone, sir…we ran into La Chat here over at Nick the Fence’s the other night. They seemed real friendly, so I fed Nick some phony info to get her here tonight!
SCARDONE (suspiciously) 58
What sort of phony info?
LUCA Tell him, Salvatore!
KITTY Yeah, tell him, Salvatore.
SALVATORE (proudly) Info about the ledgers you keep in the wall safe, Mr. Scardone!
LUCA Yeah, the ledgers, Mr. Scardone!
CUE PAUSE
SCARDONE (slow burn) Lemme get this straight…you two used me for bait?
SALVATORE (backpedaling) Uh…
LUCA (proudly) That’s right, Mr. Scardone, sir!
SCARDONE (disbelieving) You used me for bait???
KITTY Oh, it gets even better, Mr. Scardone.
SALVATORE (backpedaling furiously) 59
Now, Mr. Scardone…no need to get sore. We planned it out all thorough-like…no harm done!
SCARDONE (temper rising) No harm done???
KITTY (calmly) Better check your wall safe.
CUE FOOTSTEPS TO SAFE CUE ENTERING COMBINATION CUE SAFE OPENING
SCARDONE (slow burn) Empty.
SALVATORE (in shock) But…how can that be???
SCARDONE It’s empty!!!
LUCA We were waiting right here when she broke in!!!
KITTY Only tonight wasn’t the real break-in. That was last night.
SALVATORE WHAT???
LUCA 60
But we told you that the house would be empty tonight!!!
KITTY Pfft. Like I was going to fall for that.
CUE LONG PAUSE
SCARDONE (quietly) Where are my books?
KITTY In a safe place.
SCARDONE (menacing) Listen…don’t think that, just because you’re a lady, I’ll hesitate to make you talk.
KITTY Oh, I don’t think that at all. Which is why I left them with a friend- who will take them to the police if anything happens to me.
SCARDONE You’re bluffing.
KITTY Try me.
CUE PAUSE
SCARDONE (quietly) Extorting me is gonna be the biggest mistake you ever made, lady. And maybe the last.
KITTY 61
(diplomatically) Mr. Scardone, I have no interest in extortion- I have nothing but respect for you. But the Pallores were threatening me and Nick the Fence in your name, and this seemed like the only way to get them off our backs.
SCARDONE (a bit more understanding) Yeah, I can see how you’d figure it like that. (beat) So what’s the deal?
KITTY Simple. I give you the ledgers back, plus a bonus. How much is Nick the Fence in to you for?
SCARDONE (calculating) About twenty-five grand.
CUE TOSSING BUNDLE OF BILLS
KITTY Here’s fifty grand in unmarked hundred-dollar bills.
SCARDONE (caught off-guard) Huh?
KITTY Call the extra twenty-five a peace offering. Like I said, I have nothing but respect for you- I don’t want any trouble.
SCARDONE Okay. Let’s talk business. What do you want in exchange?
KITTY 62
You let Nick the Fence walk. If he decides to keep working for you, that’s his call- but his debt to you is paid in full.
SCARDONE Done. What else?
KITTY No retaliation against me or Nick, by you or anyone else in your organization.
SCARDONE (sincere) I get my books back, and you have my word on it. Anything else?
KITTY Just one more thing.
CUE KITTY WHISPERING
SCARDONE (chuckling) You got it, lady.
KITTY In that case, I’ll take my leave. The ledgers will be back in your safe tomorrow morning.
CUE FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY
SCARDONE (a little sheepish) Hey, this whole thing…it’s gonna stay between us, right? It could be a little…embarrassing if it got out.
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
KITTY 63
(slyly) Well, neither of us has any reason to tell anyone about it. (beat) Of course, I can’t speak for the Pallores…and remember- they’re the ones who made this mess to begin with, so…
SCARDONE (laughing evilly) I like the way you think. So what do you and your brother have to say to that, Sal?
LUCA (indignant) Hey, nobody calls him Sal! Nobody! Tell him, Salvatore!
SALVATORE (horrified whisper) Shaddup, shaddup, shaddup…
SCARDONE You idioti already got the right color to be dead men. Maybe I make the rest of you match, capiche?
CUE PALLORES STAMMERING IN BACKGROUND
SCARDONE Hey! (beat) You really put yourself in the hot seat for Nick the Fence. Must be a good friend.
KITTY Not really. But he could be. (thoughtful pause) And maybe I could be, too.
END SCENE
SCENE FIVE 64
CUE BACKGROUND MUSIC
KITTY (narration) And with that, La Chat’s part in the play was complete. Now, the finale was up to the other actors…
CUE BACKSTAGE AMBIENCE CUE INSTRUMENTAL ONSTAGE
KITTY (listening) Last number. You’re up in two, songbird.
JULIE (hoarsely) Yeah, okay…
KITTY (concerned) Listen, you want me to pick up your set?
CUE FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY
JULIE No, I’m all right. Just keep thinking about my pop, is all. Even now, it’s like I can smell his aftershave… (long pause) Wait a second…I really do smell it…
CUE STANDING
JULIE (in a whisper) Pop? (voice breaking) Pop!
NICK 65
It’s me, Jule.
CUE FOOTSTEPS RUNNING CUE SOBBING FROM JULIE
JULIE (in a whisper) Oh Pop, why did you go? (beat) Wait, don’t tell me. It’s not important.
NICK (gently) No, it is important. And you deserve to know. (sighing) I always tried to hide it from you, but I was a gambler. Not a very good one. I ended up owing a bundle to some bad people- people who would have hurt you. So I had to go away.
JULIE (hesitantly) So…it wasn’t something…I did? (blurting) I mean, I must have been a burden…so clumsy…always burning supper…
NICK (genuinely surprised) What? No! How could it have been? No father could have ever hoped for a better daughter. Jule, you were my little nightingale… And such a trouper! You never complained, even when you had to wear hand-me-downs from the boys up the block.
CUE LONG PAUSE
JULIE 66
(afraid) So…you still a…gambler?
NICK (softly) No. Losing everything made me lose my taste for it. (chuckling) Besides, even if I wanted to, there’s no one in all of New York that’ll take a bet from me anymore. I’m cut off. (to himself) A little black cat saw to that…
JULIE (missing that last part) Huh?
NICK (chuckling) It’s not important.
STAGE HAND (from hallway) Julie, you’re on!
JULIE (panicking) Oh no! I can’t go on like this! My makeup must be a mess!
NICK (calming) Jule, remember what I always told you? “If you don’t want ‘em to look at your face…”
JULIE (finishing) “…make ‘em look at your feet.”
NICK 67
You were always a terrific hoofer. So give ‘em some of the old softshoe!
JULIE (hedging) Oh, I don’t know…I haven’t danced in ages. (light coming on) Pop, why don’t you come on with me???
NICK (hedging) Jule, I haven’t been on stage in twenty years…
JULIE (urging him on) Then we’ll look ridiculous together! Come on!
NICK (chuckling) Okay, okay! We’ll show ‘em how we used to do it!
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
KITTY (narration) As Julie and Nick walked out, I realized that my life had just gotten a whole lot more complicated. Nick knows La Chat, and now he was going to get to know Kitty Divine. Sooner or later, he’d put two and two together. And then what? (gentler) Still, seeing them happy as clams, it’s worth it. (beat) Oh, the heck with all this sentiment. This little kitty needs to go steal something shiny.
FADE TO BLACK
68
EPISODE 2-3 SEGUE
CUE ‘NINE LIVES’ THEME FADEOUT CUE MOMENT OF SILENCE
DIRECTOR And…cut. (beat) Excellent, excellent! We’re going to go right into ‘Terror Train to Tampa’. Script girl, have you given everyone their sides?
MIDGE (meekly) Yes, sir.
DIRECTOR (brusquely) Speak up!
MIDGE (meekly) I said “Yes, sir.”
DIRECTOR (condescending) No one’s ever going to pay you the slightest bit of attention until you learn to assert yourself.
MIDGE (meekly) Yes, sir. (beat) Since you say that…there’s something that I’ve been wanting to…
DIRECTOR (cutting her off) I didn’t mean now. 69
MIDGE (meekly) Yes, sir.
CUE SAD TROMBONE FOLEY EFFECT CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
GLADYS (sounding a bit uptight) Since you two are over here jawing away like we don’t have three more shows to record, do we have a minute to talk?
DIRECTOR About what?
GLADYS About what I wanted to talk about during the last break!
DIRECTOR (dismissive) Nope, we don’t have time.
GLADYS (sounding frustrated) But when will we have time??
DIRECTOR (clearly putting her off) Ahhhhh…after we record this episode.
GLADYS (very indignant) Listen, I don’t appreciate being put off!
DIRECTOR (trying to placate her) 70
I’m not putting you off! As soon as we finish ‘Terror Train to Tampa’, you will have my full attention. GLADYS (glowering) Fine. But if you put me off one more time, you can get someone else to play Kitty.
CUE FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY CUE TICKING CLOCK EFFECT
DIRECTOR (not really paying attention) Sure, sure. (beat, realization) Wait, what?
MIDGE (meekly) Places everyone!
DIRECTOR (indignant) Hey! I’m supposed to say that!
CUE END TO MUTTERING CUE FOOTSTEPS STARTING AND STOPPING CUE LIGHT BUZZER EFFECT
DIRECTOR (countdown) Five…four…three…
CUE SILENT TWO-COUNT CUE NINE LIVES THEME MUSIC CUE SEGUE INTO ‘TERROR TRAIN TO TAMPA’
END SCENE
SCENE ONE
71
CUE EERIE MUSIC CUE TRAIN AMBIANCE CUE FOOTSTEPS
KITTY (nervously) Uhhhhh...
CUE DOOR OPENING CUE TRAIN AMBIANCE INCREASING
KITTY (even more nervously) Uhhhhh...
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING CUE TRAIN AMBIANCE QUITE LOUD
KITTY (terrified) Uhhhhh...
COUNTESS (menacing) Looks like the end of the line for Kitty Divine.
CUE FERAL GROWL FROM COUNTESS CUE CRY OF HORROR FROM KITTY CUE SOUND OF STRUGGLING CUE SEGUE MUSIC
KITTY (voiceover) And there I was, faced with the choice of jumping from a train traveling ninety miles an hour, or meeting my death at the hands of a madwoman. (sighing) And all I'd really wanted was a little fun in the sun...
CUE SEGUE MUSIC
72
KITTY (voiceover) Last night, a shorted-out footlight set off all the sprinklers at the Midnight Club; with said establishment closing for a week's repairs, it meant that I suddenly found myself with a week's worth of unscheduled vacation. Normally, I'd have taken the opportunity to avoid humanity entirely and hibernate with my cats. But when I saw snowflakes falling on the way home from the club...no, no, no. I don't do snow before mid-November, and here it was- Halloween. (beat) So, I booked myself a round-trip train ticket to Tampa, Florida and rushed to catch the 11:35 out of Pennsylvania Station.
CUE SEGUE MUSIC FADING CUE TRAIN STATION AMBIANCE CUE FOOTSTEPS
PORTER Right this way, miss. (beat, a bit sheepish) Say, aren't you Miss Kitty Divine?
KITTY (forcing the charm a bit) Why yes, I am!
PORTER (a bit star-struck) I...I saw you do the Seven Veils Dance at the Midnight Club last April.
KITTY (forcing herself to lay it on) Was it everything you could have hoped for?
PORTER (stammering) 73
I...I...I... (beat) Ah, here's your car, Miss Divine. May I help you up?
KITTY (slinky) Oh yes, please.
CUE CLIMBING STAIRS CUE OPENING DOOR CUE WALKING THROUGH CARS
PORTER This is your compartment, Miss Divine. (apologetic) I'm sorry. It's a full train.
KITTY (irritated, but covering pretty well) Oh, that's quite all right.
PORTER I'll just put your bags up here. And watch your step! The lights aren’t working.
CUE GRUNT FROM PORTER CUE BAGS ON RACK
KITTY (slinky) Thank you soooo much.
PORTER (practically swooning) Thank you, Miss Divine!
CUE DOOR CLOSING CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE PORTER WALKING INTO WALL
EGOR (heavy Bela Lugosi accent) 74
Good evening.
KITTY (startled a bit) Hello.
EGOR Please permit me to introduce myself. My name is Eye- gore...
KITTY (sotto voce) Eye-gore?
EGOR And this is my dear friend, Frank.
FRANK (as Boris Karloff in Frankenstein) Friend!
EGOR (cheerfully) Yes, friend!
KITTY (wide-eyed) Uh-huh. (beat, suddenly getting it) Ohhhhhh...now I get it. It's Halloween, soooo everyone’s traveling as a favorite character...
FRANK Friend good!
EGOR Yes, yes! Friend good!
KITTY (a bit at a loss) 75
Mmm hmm, friend good!
THEBES (total Peter Lorre) My name is Joel Thebes.
KITTY (thinking) Don't you mean 'Joel Cairo'?
THEBES Who?
KITTY (trying to explain) From…'The Maltese Falcon'. You know- the character…
THEBES Character?
KITTY I mean…you’re wearing the same costume…
THEBES (not getting it) Costume?
KITTY (giving up) Ummmmmm...nevermind.
LARRY (cheerfully) I'm Larry.
KITTY (a bit relieved) Hi, Larry.
LARRY Larry Talbot. 76
KITTY (sighing) Of course.
LARRY (a bit melodramatic) When the full moon rises, I turn into a wolf!
KITTY (wryly ripping off Abbott & Costello) You and twenty million other guys.
COUNTESS (sensing her discomfort) Come- sit next to me, child.
KITTY (relieved) Oh, thank you.
CUE SEVERAL FOOTSTEPS
COUNTESS I am Countess Marya Zaleska.
KITTY Kitty Divine. Pleased to meet you. (beat) Zaleska...sounds Hungarian.
COUNTESS (casually evasive) It does, doesn't it?
PORTER (over loudspeaker) The Silver Meteor, New York City to Miami, now departing!
CUE RAILWAY SIGNAL CUE TRAIN STARTING TO ROLL 77
KITTY (to herself) Ugh. It's going to be a long night...
CUE MUSIC SEGUE
END SCENE
SCENE TWO
78
CUE MUSIC INTRO
KITTY (voiceover) After an hour of dueling ‘monster movie’ accents, I gave up on trying to get any sleep and made my way to the dining car. It was empty, save for one woman. But there was scarcely enough room in there for her and her ego…
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE SLIDING DOOR OPEN AND CLOSED
AMELIA (condescending) Finally! I’ve been sitting here, waiting for service for nearly five minutes!
KITTY (confused) Uhhhh…I’m not a railroad employee.
AMELIA (still not convinced) Oh. Are you quite certain of that?
KITTY (still confused) Yessss…
AMELIA (still not letting it go) Because claiming that you’re not isn’t going to keep me from complaining to your superior! I’ll have your job for this!
KITTY (getting frustrated) 79
Look, there’s no job for you to have! I’m not the waitress!
AMELIA Oh. (beat, in rude explanation) Because I thought you were the waitress- only dressed in a costume like all the other boorish fools on this train.
KITTY Well, I’m not… (frowning) Wait…costume?
AMELIA (a bit accusingly) Aren’t you trick-or-treating as a street walker?
KITTY (caught off-guard) What?? Noooo!!
AMELIA (casually nasty) Oh, so that’s just your regular attire, then.
KITTY (her back getting up) Excuse me?
AMELIA (dismissive) You’re excused. (quick beat, ordering) No, wait. Since you’re here anyway, get me a glass of champagne.
KITTY Listen, you… 80
AMELIA (sniffing disdainfully) Though I’m certain the stock on this train is absolutely dreadful. Hardly worth drinking.
KITTY (getting really annoyed) I’m not getting you anything.
AMELIA (back up) What did you say to me?
KITTY (had it) Are you as deaf as you are rude? I said “I’m not getting you anything.”
AMELIA (grandiosely) You clearly don’t know who I am!!
KITTY Should I?
AMELIA (proudly) I am Amelia Van den Heuvel, of the Hamptons Van den Heuvels!
KITTY (dismissive) Am I supposed to know who that is?
AMELIA (sniffing) If you had the slightest bit of breeding, you would. KITTY 81
In that case, for once I’m grateful for my working-class upbringing.
AMELIA (snippy) You shouldn’t be. Ignorance is nothing to aspire to.
KITTY Really? Then why are you spending so much time being ignorant?
AMELIA (infuriated) I’ll have you know that this diamond necklace alone is worth more than you’ll make in your entire wretched lifetime!
KITTY (cutting) Oh yeah? If the only means you have of measuring a person’s worth is by their monetary value, it points to a lack of character on your part.
AMELIA (very mean-spirited) Spoken like someone who is poor and will always be poor.
KITTY (right back at her) And speaking of ‘poor’, your parents should ask for their money back from whatever charm school they sent you to- because it didn’t work.
AMELIA (incensed) My parents are both deceased!!
KITTY 82
(going too far) Who could blame them?? They’d have done anything to get away from you!!
AMELIA (furious) What??? How dare you!!!
KITTY (realization, sheepish) Okay, okay- that was going too far. I apologize.
AMELIA (not having it) Get out!!!
KITTY I’m trying to apologize here!
AMELIA Out, you insolent trollop!!!!
KITTY All right, all right!
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING
KITTY (low) The air in this car is stale and musty anyway.
CUE DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED CUE FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALLWAY CUE DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED CUE DOOR LOCKING CUE TURNING ON WATER CUE SPLASHING WATER CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY 83
(voiceover) As I rinsed my face, I thought about what had just happened, regret heavy in my heart. Yes, the Van den Heuvel woman had been insufferable, but did I really have to add that last part about her parents? I felt obliged to go back and apologize to her- even give her a hug. (beat, more calculating) Yes, a hug would be just the thing needed…for me to get that diamond necklace off of her. The thing had to be at least 75 carats- pure catnip for a burlesque star- slash-jewel thief like me. (beat) Van den Heuvel wouldn’t want a hug from me, of course- she’d squirm and try to push me away. But that would actually help me get that necklace off her unawares.
CUE CHANGE IN MUSIC
KITTY (voiceover) But then, as I re-entered the dining car, I realized how wrong I’d been. She wouldn’t struggle. She wouldn’t even say an unkind word. (beat) For Amelia Van den Heuvel…was dead.
CUE MUSIC STAB
END SCENE
SCENE THREE 84
CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) It’s not every day that I stumble across a murder victim…I was at a loss. I walked back to my compartment, only to run into the Countess just outside the door…
CUE TRAIN AMBIENCE CUE SNORING FROM FRANK IN COMPARTMENT
COUNTESS (concerned) My, you’re as white as a ghost! What’s wrong?
KITTY (low) Ummmm…
COUNTESS (kindly) Tell me. Maybe I can help.
KITTY (sighing) All right. But it’s probably easier to just show you.
CUE FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALLWAY
KITTY This way, in the dining car.
COUNTESS Very well.
CUE DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
85
KITTY Over there, slumped over the table.
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
COUNTESS (cautiously) Is she…?
KITTY Dead. Yes.
COUNTESS How?
KITTY I don’t know for certain. All I do know is that I was having a conversation with her, left…and came back five minutes later to find her like that.
COUNTESS Are you certain it wasn’t natural causes?
KITTY The way her head is tilted at such an unnatural angle…no, she was murdered, I’m certain of it.
COUNTESS But who? It could be anyone on the entire train. (beat, thinking) Although… (beat, cutting herself off) No, no…they couldn’t possibly…
KITTY (ears perking up) No, they couldn’t possibly what?
COUNTESS 86
(a bit halting) Well…I am quite certain it is coincidental, but two of the men in our compartment went out while you were gone. They both returned just before I ran into you in the hallway. (beat) And they do all seem to be rather…odd characters, don’t you think?
KITTY (agreeing) I think. Oh, I think… (beat) Hmmmmm…I guess they’re as good a place to start as any. Which two?
COUNTESS Eye-gore and Mr. Thebes.
KITTY (thinking) All right. Probably best to get first one, then the other, out of the compartment and question them separately.
COUNTESS (dubious) Question them? Don’t you think it would be prudent to find the nearest porter and turn the information over to him?
KITTY Prudent? Probably. And if we run into one, we should definitely tell him about the murder. But the more time that elapses after a crime, the less likely that crime is to be solved.
COUNTESS 87
(wryly) You seem to know a lot about crime.
KITTY (covering) Ummmm…I…love detective movies! (beat) But I shouldn’t be dragging you into this.
COUNTESS No, no- I wouldn’t dream of leaving you to solve this case alone. (beat, smiling) Besides, I also love detective movies. Especially Philip Marlowe. Bogie!
KITTY (smiling) Okay, partner. Let’s get to it.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED CUE FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALLWAY
COUNTESS How do you suggest we do this?
KITTY You mean, get each of them to follow us out of the compartment? (beat, confidently) Leave that to me.
CUE DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED CUE FOOTSTEPS ENTERING CUE FRANK SNORING LOUDLY
EGOR Good evening. KITTY 88
(slinky) Good evening, Eye-gore. It looks like your friend is sound asleep.
FRANK (talking in sleep) Friend…friend…
EGOR Yes, Frank…friend. (beat) He is indeed sound asleep.
KITTY (ramping up the sultry) That’s good. Because…I was wondering if you’d like to join me…for a nightcap.
EGOR (caught off-guard) Um…I never drink…wine.
KITTY (even more sultry) Who said anything about wine?
CUE EGOR GULPING AUDIBLY
EGOR (nervous anticipation) Very well.
KITTY Shall we?
CUE OPENING COMPARTMENT DOOR CUE TWO FOOTSTEPS
FRANK 89
(in sleep, increasingly loud) Friend…friend! Friend!!
EGOR (sighing) He does this every time I stand up. I started to the lavoratory a few minutes ago, and I thought he would awaken the entire train. (beat) And I really need to go.
KITTY Oh. (beat, turning off sultry) Never mind, then.
EGOR (in explanation) For such a big strapping fellow, Frank is very sensitive, you know.
KITTY (no interest) Uh huh.
EGOR (trying to save the opportunity) But perhaps, when Frank is awake once again, you and I can…spend some time together. (with emphasis) Alone.
KITTY (flat-out) Nope. (beat, turning it back on) But what about you, Mr. Thebes?
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE KITTY 90
Mr. Thebes?
COUNTESS He doesn’t seem to be here. (beat, a bit accusingly) Again.
KITTY Interesting… (beat, thinking) Then our next step is to find Joel Thebes.
CUE MUSIC STAB
END SCENE
SCENE FOUR 91
CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) The Countess and I spent nearly half an hour searching for Thebes, passing through the dining car twice in the process. The fact that the corpse of Amelia Van den Heuvel remained undisturbed in all that time did not speak terribly well of the service on the Silver Meteor. (beat) Finally, we found Joel Thebes in the forward observation lounge, smoking a cigarette out of a long holder…
CUE TRAIN AMBIENCE CUE FOOTSTEPS
THEBES Ah…good evening, ladies.
KITTY (ever-so-slightly prying) Good evening, Mr. Thebes. Having trouble sleeping?
THEBES (sighing) Regrettably, yes. It's the constant motion of the train...it makes me nauseous.
COUNTESS (a bit too eager) Or perhaps it's something else that's making you nauseous... (beat) Like a guilty conscience!
THEBES 92
(innocently) Guilty? Me? Guilty of what?
KITTY (all business) You tell us.
THEBES (confused, trying to figure it out) I am to tell you...something that I...don't know what it is?
COUNTESS (eyes narrowing) Oh, you know. Yes, you know.
THEBES No, I don't. What is it that you think I did?
KITTY (forceful) We'll ask the questions here!
COUNTESS (blurting) Take any trips to the dining car this evening?
THEBES No! I told you, I'm terribly nauseous!
KITTY (disbelieving) So you say, at least!
COUNTESS (blurting) Where were you tonight at one-fifteen??
KITTY Well??
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE 93
THEBES You know, if you’re going to do ‘good cop, bad cop’, one of you has to be ‘good cop’. You can’t both be ‘bad cop’.
KITTY (eyes narrowing) Spoken like someone who has a lot of experience with cops.
THEBES (telling) I may have been in a police station or two...
COUNTESS (threatening) And you may be yet again before this night is over.
THEBES (a bit whiny) Oh, I hope not!
KITTY (curtly) We shall see. Good evening, Mr. Thebes.
CUE FOOTSTEPS
THEBES (confused) But, wait...
KITTY (huffily) I said 'Good evening'!
CUE DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED CUE FOOTSTEPS
COUNTESS Oh, that was fun! KITTY 94
Fun or not, that was a waste of time.
COUNTESS True. That Joel Thebes is a wily fellow, all right.
KITTY (sighing) Or else...he's telling the truth- that he doesn't know anything. (beat, thinking) But if it's not Thebes, and if it's not Eye-gore...then who? Larry Talbot? But you didn't see him leave at any point.
COUNTESS (a bit dramatically) Hmmmm…as I think about it, though, there is one other suspect...someone I saw outside the compartment.
KITTY Who?
COUNTESS The person who first found the victim.
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY (aghast) You...you think I did it??
COUNTESS (teasing) Well, it is just your word that you found her dead...
KITTY (sputtering) But...but...
COUNTESS 95
(laughing) I'm joking with you. (beat, double meaning) I'm certain you didn't do it.
KITTY (sighing in relief) Oh! (nervous laughter) For a second there, I thought you were serious.
COUNTESS No, of course not. (telling) But if you had murdered her, who could blame you? She shouldn't have said you were dressed up as a streetwalker.
KITTY Darn right she shouldn’t have. (beat, sudden realization) And…you couldn’t have known that...unless you were there.
CUE MUSIC STAB CUE TERRIFYING LAUGH FROM COUNTESS
END SCENE
SCENE FIVE 96
CUE MUSIC SEGUE CUE RACING TRAIN AMBIENCE CUE KITTY AND COUNTESS WRESTLING
KITTY (voiceover, a bit more frantic than usual) Which brings us up to where we began, with me fighting for my very life! I struggled, but my opponent had strength that can only be described as inhuman. But then, just as I was on the verge of losing all hope…
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
THEBES (shouting) Let her go, Countess!
CUE FERAL GROWL FROM COUNTESS
THEBES Last chance!
CUE COUNTESS LUNGING AT THEBES CUE GUNSHOT, FOLLOWED BY THREE MORE CUE INHUMAN HOWL FROM COUNTESS CUE COUNTESS FALLING FROM TRAIN CUE THEBES RUSHING TO KITTY
THEBES Are you all right?
KITTY (catching her breath) Yes, thanks to you.
THEBES Oh, think nothing of it.
CUE PULLING EMERGENCY CORD CUE ALARM BELL RINGING CUE TRAIN STARTING TO SLOW DOWN 97
THEBES It's just good that your interrogation of me earlier piqued my curiosity. I followed you, found the dead woman in the dining car, and started putting two and two together.
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
CONDUCTOR See here, what’s the big idea, pulling that??
THEBES Detective Joel Thebes, Trenton Police Department.
CONDUCTOR (snapping to attention) You're a detective?
KITTY (surprised) Your name really is 'Joel Thebes'?
THEBES Yes, and yes. (beat) There's been an incident- the train must be stopped immediately.
CONDUCTOR Yes, sir!
CUE TRAIN ROLLING TO STOP
THEBES Do you have a lantern?
CONDUCTOR Yes, right here in this cubbyhole.
CUE CLINKING OF LANTERN THEBES 98
I need to go recover a body. Don't let the train leave without me.
CONDUCTOR Yes, sir!
KITTY I'm coming with you, Detective.
THEBES You sure you want to do that?
KITTY Being with you is probably the safest place on the entire train. After all, you're the one with the gun.
THEBES I wouldn't be so certain of that.
KITTY Why not? I just saw you use the gun.
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
THEBES (continuing) No, I mean about your safety. The victim- her neck was broken... (beat, very deliberate) And her body…was drained of blood.
KITTY (in shock) Drained of blood?? You mean...like she'd been bitten by a...a...
THEBES Vampire. Yes.
KITTY 99
That's...not possible...
THEBES As a detective, I deal in facts. We'll know more when we recover the Countess's body. Come on.
CUE FOOTSTEPS DOWN STEPS CUE FOOTSTEPS IN GRAVEL CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) We searched till nearly dawn, but we never found the body of Countess Marya Zaleska. Finally, we gave up, got back on the train, and continued south to Florida. And there, I’ve had a fairly relaxing few days poolside. (beat) But I’ll tell you something. If a tall, lithe brunette with alabaster skin waits till just after sunset to settle down in the chaise lounge next to me…I’ll be looking for the nearest crucifix.
CUE MUSIC SWELL
FADE TO BLACK
EPISODE 3-4 SEGUE
CUE ‘NINE LIVES’ THEME FADEOUT CUE MOMENT OF SILENCE
DIRECTOR (sounding a bit harried) And cut. (blurting) Normally, I’d call a dinner break about now. But we’ve only got two more episodes to do. So, I think we should just knock ‘em out and head our separate ways! Everyone agree?
100
CUE MURMURING IN AGREEMENT
GLADYS No!
DIRECTOR (ignoring her) In that case, let’s get the sides for ‘A Night in the Life’ distributed and jump right in!
MIDGE (meekly) Yes, sir.
CUE SHUFFLING OF PAPER
GLADYS (glowering) Aren’t you forgetting something??
DIRECTOR You know, you’re absolutely right! (beat) Is the next transcription disc ready to go?
CUE BUZZER DIRECTOR In that case, we’re all set!
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING
MIDGE (sheepishly) Um…Mr. Director, sir…
DIRECTOR (oblivious) Places! (beat, looking around) 101
Wait…where’s our Kitty? Kitty should be at Microphone One! Why isn’t our Kitty at Mic One?
GLADYS (matter of factly) I told you- if you put me off one more time, you can get someone else to play Kitty Divine.
DIRECTOR (awkwardly trying to turn on the charm) But…Gladys, honey…
GLADYS (sternly) Too late. My mind’s made up. I’ll stick around to play the supporting roles as needed, but you can get yourself another Kitty.
CUE WHOOPIE CUSHION SOUND EFFECT
DIRECTOR Stop that! (scrambling) Ahhhhhh, Maxine! You’re our new Kitty!
MAXINE (dryly) No, I’m not.
DIRECTOR But…
MAXINE I can’t play scenes against myself, and I’ve already got multiple parts. Keep thinking.
DIRECTOR (sounding a little desperate) Ummmmm…Trixie, you’re gonna…
102
TRIXIE (cutting him off) Forget it.
DIRECTOR (frantic) But we can’t finish without a Kitty!
TRIXIE (a bit smug) Guess you should have thought of that a little sooner, huh?
DIRECTOR (thinking quickly) Ahhhhhh, you- script girl! Get on Mic 1. You’re gonna play Kitty.
MIDGE (squeaks) What??
DIRECTOR I know you have trouble speaking up, but do you have a hearing problem too? You’re. Going. To. Play. Kitty.
MIDGE But I’m not an actress!
DIRECTOR (under his breath) Then you’re a perfect replacement for Gladys.
GLADYS (eyes narrowing) What was that?
103
DIRECTOR Nothing, nothing! (trying- unsuccessfully- to sound supportive) It’s easy. Just sound sultry.
MIDGE (bad imitation of GLADYS) You mean…like this?
DIRECTOR (fishing for words) Uhhhhh…yeahhhhhh…not like that. Like this… (imitating GLADYS) Oooooh! My name’s Kitty Divine! Look how sexy I am!
MIDGE (still bad imitation) Ooooooooh! Look how sexy… (drawing it out awkwardly) I am?
DIRECTOR (trying to be diplomatic) Ahhhhh…better?
MIDGE (meekly) Well…maybe if we took a dinner break, I could work on it then?
DIRECTOR No time! Places everyone!
CUE END TO MUTTERING CUE FOOTSTEPS STARTING AND STOPPING CUE LIGHT BUZZER EFFECT
104
DIRECTOR (countdown) Five…four…three…
CUE SILENT TWO-COUNT CUE NINE LIVES THEME MUSIC CUE SEGUE INTO ‘A NIGHT IN THE LIFE’
ACT BREAK
105
ACT II
OPENING NARRATION Tonight, we take pleasure in bringing you…SUSPENSE.
A weekly anthology of notable melodramas from stage & screen, fiction & radio, presented each week to bring you to the edge of your chair. To keep you in…SUSPENSE.
CUE MUSICAL INTRO
KITTY (narration, a bit slurry) Well, it was bound to happen eventually. Ever since the day that I, Kitty Divine, cat burglar extraordinaire, strayed from the path of righteousness and turned to a life of crime, this moment was destined to come. (beat) I just wasn't expecting it to come like this.
CUE JAIL DOOR SLAMMING SHUT CUE MUSIC CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
KITTY (narration) And as I heard footsteps approaching, I knew it was going to get worse before it got better.
GUARD Ain't that something? You've been here two minutes, and you've already got a visitor.
KITTY (sighing drunkenly) Lucky me.
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
PALUMBO Hello again, Miss Divine.
106
KITTY (ill-tempered) Detective Palumbo. Here to gloat?
PALUMBO Now, why would I be here to gloat?
KITTY Because you were out to put me behind bars, that’s why. And here I am.
PALUMBO Miss Divine, you’re taking this much too personally. I’m just doing my job, is all.
KITTY Does your job involve you following me around all night??
PALUMBO Following you around? I never left the lounge until I saw Officer Shaughnessy taking you away.
KITTY (ignoring him) And asking me an endless stream of questions??
PALUMBO Oh, just a few that just happened to come to mind…
KITTY Uh huh. I swear, if I’d have had to hear… (imitating PALUMBO) “Ah, just one more question” one more time…
PALUMBO I don’t say that! 107
(thinking about it) Do I? (thinking more, self-deprecating chuckle) You know…I, I guess maybe I do at that.
KITTY You do! And also, it’s your fault that I got drunk!
PALUMBO (genuinely surprised) My fault? Why would it be my fault, Miss Divine?
KITTY Because you make me nervous! It may come as a surprise to you, Detective, but being followed around by a detective can be a little disconcerting!
PALUMBO (trying unsuccessfully to be calming) Well, like my wife, Mrs. Palumbo, always says, “People who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear.”
KITTY (snarky) Is your wife Josef Stalin? Because that’s the sort of sentiment that belongs in Soviet Russia, not the Land of the Free.
PALUMBO (backing out) I can see you’re not feeling much like talking this evening. (wryly) And I can’t say as I blame you. I’ll come back tomorrow. (beat) Good night, Miss Divine.
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING 108
END SCENE
SCENE TWO
CUE AMBIENT MUSIC
KITTY (narration) It had started off as just another night in the life for me. Thursdays, I only do one show at the Midnight Club, and then I’m out the door. So, I was having a champagne hula at the Don Tiki, the lounge on the first floor of the Royal Polynesian. It was a favorite after- work spot of mine because it was close by and wasn’t quite trendy enough for the tourists to seek it out. (beat, sighing) At least, it hadn’t been until lately… (beat) I was about to finish my drink and head home to my cats, when I overheard a conversation in the next booth. (beat) In hindsight, I’d have been better off not listening. But noooo…
CUE LOUNGE AMBIENCE
LUCRETIA (sounding very snooty and whiny) Candida, I couldn’t walk another step!
CANDIDA 109
(also sounding very snooty and whiny) But Lucretia, we still have to go see the Empire State Building, and we leave first thing tomorrow!
LUCRETIA I told you that you had one tourist spot left, and you just had to waste it on that dump, the Midnight Club.
KITTY (to herself) Dump?
CANDIDA (defensively) But it’s world-famous! How was I supposed to know that it was so tacky?
KITTY (to herself, getting mad) Tacky?
LUCRETIA And the worst part of it was that so-called burlesque star, Kitty Divine!
CANDIDA What a no-talent trollop!
KITTY (to herself, seething) No-talent trollop?
LUCRETIA (snorting) She’s no Sally Rand.
CANDIDA She’s not even Ayn Rand. 110
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
CANDIDA Don’t you get it?
LUCRETIA Get what?
CANDIDA (a little frustrated) It’s a joke!
LUCRETIA (snidely) Thanks for telling me.
CANDIDA You just have no sense of humor.
KITTY (seething, to herself) Neither do I.
LUCRETIA Whatever. We’re still not going to the Empire State Building!
CANDIDA But it’s only two blocks over!
LUCRETIA I don’t care! I’m bushed! (conspiratorially) And anyway, we’ve left the Pringle family jewels unguarded in our room all day.
KITTY 111
(to herself, ears perking up) Pringle family jewels?
CANDIDA (dismissive) Oh, no one even knows we have them with us!
LUCRETIA Just the same, I’m not comfortable leaving them all alone.
CANDIDA Then we’ll take them with us to the Empire State Building!
LUCRETIA Are you nuts?? Taking valuables on the streets of New York City in the middle of the night??
CANDIDA Come on, Lucretia! We’re only going to be gone for maybe another hour!
LUCRETIA (starting to relent) Well…
CANDIDA When are we ever going to be back in the world’s biggest city??
LUCRETIA (sighing dramatically) Oh, all right.
CANDIDA I’m just going up to our room to powder my nose. 805, right?
LUCRETIA 112
(rolling her eyes) Yes, Candida…for the 75th time, we’re in Room 805.
CANDIDA Right. I’ll meet you in the lobby in five.
KITTY (to herself) And I’ll be up in your room in ten.
CUE MUSIC BACKGROUND KITTY (narration) It seemed all too good to be true- a chance to get even with a pair of busybodies, and the easiest jewel heist ever to boot. (beat, sighing) But you know what they say about things that look too good to be true…
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
DANI (gasping) Good golly! You’re…you’re Kitty Divine, aren’t you??
KITTY (a bit deer in the headlights) Uh huh.
DANI Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! (catching herself) Sorry. It’s just that you’re the biggest star I’ve ever seen in person.
KITTY Then you need to get out more. If you’ll excuse me…
113
DANI (missing the second part) I…I’m Dani Dean. I’m a reporter for the New York Journal-Dispatch.
KITTY (very noncommittal) How nice.
DANI (overexplaining) Well, I mean…I will be once I show them I can do the job.
KITTY Oh.
DANI (thinking) I just need that one big break…
KITTY (trying to end conversation) Well, I hope you get it…
DANI (lightbulb going on) And doing a story on the most famous burlesque star alive, Kitty Divine, would land me that reporter gig for sure!
KITTY (deer in headlights) What?
DANI 114
(going on) Sure! You’re a notorious recluse- readers would love to know what you do when you’re away from the stage!
KITTY (getting fed up) I’m sure they would. But I’m a recluse for a reason.
DANI (not getting the hint) Oh, I won’t be any bother at all! I’ll just sit in the next booth. You won’t even know I’m here.
KITTY (pretty much done) You’re right- I won’t. Because I’m leaving right now…
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
PALUMBO Miss Divine? What a surprise, finding you here at the Don Tiki like this.
KITTY (raising an eyebrow) Excuse me?
PALUMBO (chuckling) Oh, sorry. I should introduce myself. I’m Detective Palumbo, NYPD.
KITTY (perfunctory) It’s nice to meet you, Detective, but I’m just leaving…
PALUMBO (ignoring that) 115
The nice lady you share a dressing room with at the Midnight Club, Julie Marsden, told me I could find you here.
KITTY (under her breath) Thanks, Julie… (to PALUMBO) Wait…you said it was a surprise, finding me here. Yet you came here specifically looking for me.
PALUMBO (sidestepping that) Yes, I just had a question for you. Where were you on the evening of October 13th of last year?
KITTY (terse) I have no idea.
PALUMBO (flipping through pad) It says here that you were performing at a private function at the Hotel Monolith for the Meszaros family.
KITTY Sounds about right. But if you already knew, why did you need to ask me?
PALUMBO Well, you see, it's like this...that very same evening, the Meszaros family were robbed of the famous Hunyadi emeralds.
KITTY (playing it cool) Oh, yeah...I remember that. The infamous jewel thief La Chat stole it, didn't she? 116
PALUMBO Exactly.
DANI (from next booth) How do you spell 'Meszaros'?
PALUMBO (surprisingly patient) That's 'M...e...z... (catching himself) No, sorry...'M...e...s...z...a...r...o...s.'
DANI Thank you, Detective!
PALUMBO You're quite welcome, miss.
KITTY (getting impatient) Is there a point to this, Detective Palumbo?
PALUMBO Oh, I just wanted to see if you remembered that night.
KITTY I do.
PALUMBO Well, that's all I wanted to ask you. Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Divine.
KITTY (not sure what to say) You're...welcome, I guess?
CUE FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY
KITTY 117
(sighing) Maybe I can finally blow this joint.
DANI (excitedly) Oooh! Where are we going next??
KITTY (terse) We aren't going anywhere. I'm going.
CUE STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
HARRY (slurring) Well, helloooooo beautiful. Where have you been all my life?
KITTY Leaving.
HARRY Awwww, not before you have a little drinky winky with ol' Handsome Harry!
KITTY Who?
HARRY Me! Handsome Harry Zyznik!
DANI (from next booth) Is that with an 'i' or a 'y'?
HARRY (happily) Both! One of each- 'y', then 'i'.
KITTY 118
Thanks, but I really must be going.
HARRY (happy drunk) Ah, you've got time for one drink. How about a gin fizz?
KITTY Good Lord, no. I don't want to end up with a nose like W.C. Fields. (pointedly) Or you.
HARRY There's nothing wrong with my nose! KITTY The roadmap of broken blood vessels would disagree. Now, if you'll excuse me...
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
PALUMBO Ah, just one more question, Miss Divine...
KITTY (exasperated) What now, Detective?
PALUMBO That night, October 13th of last year…did you see or hear anything out of the ordinary around the time of the robbery?
KITTY No.
PALUMBO But you were staying just a few floors down from the penthouse gallery from which the Hunyadi emeralds were stolen.
119
KITTY Can you tell me what’s happening a few floors above us right now?
PALUMBO (chuckling) I see your point.
CUE KITTY CHUCKLING SARCASTICALLY
PALUMBO Ah, just one more question…
HARRY (trying to be smooth) Detective, I don’t mean to be rude…but I think I’m making progress with this doll… (winking) …if you know what I mean.
PALUMBO (chuckling knowingly) Ah, I getcha.
KITTY I don’t. Because you’re not making progress with ‘this doll’.
PALUMBO (ignoring her) Well, I’ll let you two lovebirds get better acquainted…
CUE FOOTSTEPS LEAVING
KITTY (frustrated) We’re not lovebirds!
120
DANI (from next booth) Is ‘lovebirds’ one word or two?
KITTY Stop writing this stuff down!
HARRY Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted…?
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
EUDINE (sounding tough) Is this creep bothering you?
KITTY (rolling her eyes) Oh, no more than everyone else in Manhattan tonight.
FRANCINE (also sounding tough) Because if he is, we can fix it so he stops.
KITTY Huh?
EUDINE We’re with W.H.O.M.P.
HARRY Huh?
FRANCINE Women Helping Others with Man Problems.
DANI 121
(next booth, writing) Women…Helping…Others…with…Man Problems. (beat, to FRANCINE and EUDINE) Could I please get your names?
EUDINE Oh, sure. I’m Eudine Brubaker.
FRANCINE And I’m Francine Forrest.
DANI Thanks!
EUDINE Sure thing, kid.
HARRY (trying to turn on the charm) Sooooo…could I buy either of you ladies a drink?
FRANCINE Cool your jets, bozo. Before you end up with a fat lip.
DANI (from other booth) What is it that W.H.O.M.P. does?
EUDINE We look out for our sisters who are being harassed in public places.
KITTY (grudgingly impressed) That’s a good cause.
FRANCINE Even the ones who are asking for it, like you.
122
KITTY (indignant) What do you mean, ‘even the ones who are asking for it, like me’?
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
PALUMBO Ah, just one more question…
KITTY Wait your turn! So, what did you mean by that, huh??
FRANCINE Just look at the way you’re dressed! KITTY What does that have to do with anything??
EUDINE You’re dressed like a burlesque dancer!!
KITTY I am a burlesque dancer!!
EUDINE (suddenly very quiet) Oh.
KITTY And what does ‘oh’ mean?
EUDINE Nothing, nothing.
PALUMBO You know, my wife, Mrs. Palumbo, always says “You should never wear anything out in public that you wouldn’t want your mother to see you in.”
KITTY 123
I was naked the first time my mother saw me.
PALUMBO Yeah, but…
KITTY (incensed) So, I take it that W.H.O.M.P. doesn’t approve of my wardrobe or my profession??
FRANCINE (suddenly evasive) We didn’t say that.
KITTY Because, if you don’t approve of those, then you’ll hate this part… (beat, to HARRY) You.
HARRY (caught off-guard) Me?
KITTY Yeah. You staying here at the Royal Polynesian?
HARRY (suddenly excited) Sure am! All the way up on the eighth floor!
KITTY (shaded) Perfect. (loudly) Why don’t we go up to your room and have some drinks…
DANI (from next booth) 124
Okay, I’ll just…
KITTY (bluntly) In private.
PALUMBO Ah, just one more question…
CUE FOOTSTEPS
KITTY I can’t hear you over the sound of me walking away.
END SCENE SCENE THREE
CUE MUSIC AMBIENCE
KITTY (narration) And just like that, we were off to Handsome Harry Zyznik’s hotel room. (beat) But, what he expected was going to happen next, and what really did happen next…two very different things…
CUE HOTEL ROOM DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE FOOTSTEPS
HARRY (sly) Why don’t you get yourself comfortable while I whip us up a couple of gin fizzes?
KITTY Oh, I’ve already got the bottle right…here.
CUE THUD OF BOTTLE ON HEAD CUE HARRY GROANING 125
CUE HARRY DROPPING TO FLOOR
KITTY (narration) And with Handsome Harry indisposed, all that was left to do was to go out the window…
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE OPENING WINDOW CUE STREET AMBIENCE BELOW
KITTY (narration) …walk the ledge to four windows over…
CUE INCHING ALONG LEDGE
KITTY (narration) …open the window to the Pringle sisters’ room…
CUE OPENING WINDOW
KITTY (narration) …and purloin their family gemstones. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. (beat) But, in keeping with how everything else had gone this evening, I was soon to have a snag in my plans…
CUE PADDING AROUND HOTEL ROOM
KITTY (thinking) Now, if I was a pair of bubbleheaded bimbos, where would I hide my jewels?
CUE FOOTSTEPS IN HALL
126
LUCRETIA (in hallway, irate) I can’t believe I let you talk me into that!
CANDIDA (in hallway) Keep your voice down!
KITTY Ugh! What are they doing back already??
LUCRETIA We went all the way over there for nothing!!
CANDIDA Well, how was I supposed to know that the observation deck at the Empire State Building closed at midnight??
KITTY (a bit stressed) Only have time to look in one spot…but where? Where?
CUE FUMBLING FOR KEYS OUTSIDE
KITTY (lightbulb going on) In the nightstand, under the Gideon Bible.
CUE QUICK FOOTSTEPS CUE OPENING DRAWER
KITTY (low but triumphant) Aha!
CUE DROPPING KEYS CUE CLOSING DRAWER
CANDIDA 127
Will you hurry up? I have to pee!
KITTY (triumph fading) Wait…these are their family jewels? I wouldn’t cross the street for these dinky rocks!
CUE KEYS GOING INTO LOCK
KITTY Time to go!
CUE RUSHING TO WINDOW CUE CLOSING WINDOW CUE STREET AMBIENCE BELOW CUE INCHING ALONG LEDGE
KITTY Wasn’t expecting them back for at least thirty minutes…now I just have to hope that the first thing they do isn’t…
CUE DISTANT SCREAM FROM LUCRETIA
KITTY (crestfallen) …check to see if the Pringle family jewels are still there.
CANDIDA (faintly inside) What’s the matter?
CUE DISTANT SCREAM FROM CANDIDA
KITTY (sighing) Yeah. Which means they’ll be calling the police immediately. 128
(beat) Which means I’m going to need to get out of the building immediately…but in a way that ensures the police don’t suspect me.
CUE OPENING WINDOW
KITTY And I think I have it.
CUE CLOSING WINDOW CUE FOOTSTEPS
KITTY Ugh. Gin.
CUE KITTY SIGHING CUE KITTY GARGLING MOUTHFUL OF GIN CUE KITTY SPITTING OUT GIN INTO SINK
KITTY And now, to splash a little of it on myself…
CUE SPLASHING OF GIN
KITTY Next, to get the police here.
CUE SEVERAL FOOTSTEPS CUE PICKING UP PHONE RECEIVER CUE DIALING ‘O’ CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY Operator, get me the police.
CUE BRIEF PAUSE
KITTY (lowering voice to sound more like HARRY) 129
Yes, this is Harry Zyznik at the Royal Polynesian. I’ve got a crazy woman in my room! She attacked me! Think she’s had too much to drink. (beat) Room 813. (beat) You’ll send an officer right away? Thank you.
CUE HANGING UP PHONE RECEIVER
KITTY And finally, to wake up Handsome Harry.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE LIGHT SLAPPING OF FACE CUE BRIEF PAUSE CUE HARD SLAP CUE HARRY GROANING
KITTY (deliberately slurring her words) Wake up, you dirty so-and-so!
HARRY (coming to) Huh?
KITTY (acting drunk) You lure me up here, ply me with drinks, and then propose the most disgusting things!
HARRY (completely lost) I did?
KITTY (indignant) And now you don’t even recall saying it?? Am I that unmemorable?? 130
HARRY Yes! I mean, no!
KITTY I already hit you once…am I gonna have to do it again??
HARRY No! No!
CUE ELEVATOR DING CUE FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY
KITTY (really playing it up) I’m going to get you, Handsome Harry Zyznik! HARRY No, wait!
CUE POUNDING ON DOOR
SHAUGHNESSY (outside door) Open up in there! This is the police!
HARRY (panicky) I’ll be right there!
KITTY (really playing it up) Oh, no you won’t! We have unfinished business!
CUE FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR CUE UNLOCKING AND OPENING DOOR
KITTY What are you doing??
HARRY 131
Thank heavens you’re here, Officer!
SHAUGHNESSY You the one who called about the crazy woman?
HARRY Yes! I mean…I guess I must have! Because she sure is crazy!
KITTY Who are you calling crazy, you louse??
SHAUGHNESSY (trying to be calming) Now, come on along with me, no trouble…
KITTY LOUSE!!!
SHAUGHNESSY (a bit patronizing) It’s all right, miss. I’m going to get you away from the dirty louse.
KITTY He had that pop on the noggin I gave him coming! And I’ll give him another one!
SHAUGHNESSY Not tonight, you won’t.
CUE CLICKING OF HANDCUFFS
KITTY You’d better watch your back, Handsome Harry!
SHAUGHNESSY Yeah, yeah, yeah. 132
(beat) We’ll need you to come down and make a statement later, sir.
HARRY (in a daze) Yeah…sure…
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE DOOR CLOSING
KITTY You’ll get yours!! Mark my words!!
SHAUGHESSY Shhhhh! There are people trying to sleep.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE ELEVATOR BUTTON PUSHED CUE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE ELEVATOR DROPPING
SHAUGHNESSY (sniffing) Ugh! What is that awful smell?
KITTY It’s gin, copper! Gin!!
CUE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING
SHAUGHNESSY Gin, huh? You been drinking it or bathing in it?
KITTY Ha ha ha. Very amusing, flatfoot.
DANI 133
(overhearing) Wait…you were drinking gin?
KITTY Oh, you again. (beat, mocking) Yes. And it’s spelled g-i-n. Gin!
DANI (more to herself) But you hate gin… (beat, thinking) Hmmmm…
SHAUGHNESSY All right, out to the car with you.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE REVOLVING DOOR CUE MUSIC SEGUE
END SCENE
134
SCENE FOUR
CUE MUSIC AMBIENCE
KITTY (narration) Which brings us back to the part with me in a jail cell and an annoying police detective meandering down the hallway. (beat, a bit surprised) Except then, it didn’t.
CUE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
GUARD Looks like it’s your lucky day, Miss Divine!
KITTY (dubious) Oh, yeah- clearly.
GUARD 135
Naw, I mean that the charges against you have been dropped!
KITTY (caught off-guard) Come again?
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING GUARD Yeah! Turns out that Handsome Harry has a Mrs. Handsome Harry at home, and someone explained to him that if he presses charges, he’d have to explain what you were doing in his hotel room.
KITTY (on-guard) Someone?
GUARD Waiting for you out front!
CUE UNLOCKING JAIL CELL CUE SWINGING OPEN DOOR
PALUMBO Well, isn’t that a relief! I’ve gotta tell you, Miss Divine, I wasn’t too happy about the idea of you being locked up in a jail cell all night.
KITTY (warily) You and me both.
PALUMBO Here, I’ll walk you out to your friend.
KITTY Thanks.
PALUMBO 136
I’m sure you’ll be glad to go home and sleep in your own comfy bed.
KITTY You have no idea.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE POLICE STATION AMBIENCE CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY (genuinely surprised) Nick?
NICK Hi, Kitty. Julie got a call at the club, saying you were in the slammer. She had another set to do, so I told her I’d take care of it.
KITTY So, you’re the one who talked to Handsome Harry?
NICK (modestly) I might have put a bug in his ear.
PALUMBO (eyeing NICK up, sounding a bit suspicious) Hey, don’t I know you?
NICK (suddenly a wee bit nervous) I…I don’t think so…
PALUMBO (not dissuaded, possibly a bit ominous) Yeah…yeah. I know you. 137
CUE AWKWARD PAUSE
NICK Ummm…
PALUMBO (relief) Yeah, you’re Nick Chalet! Boy, you were something back in the day…my dad took me to see your show when I was a kid. (beat) You ever hear this fella sing?
KITTY (relieved) No, can’t say I have. PALUMBO And dance…like Fred Astaire, he danced! (beat, merest hint of suspicion) Where have you been all these years, Mr. Chalet?
NICK (subtly evasive) Oh, I was in…retirement. But now, I’m performing every now and then with my daughter, Julie.
PALUMBO I’m so glad to hear that. Well, I won’t keep you two. Good night.
NICK Good night, Detective.
KITTY Good night.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
138
KITTY (anticipating, muttering under her breath) “Ah, just one more question.”
PALUMBO (methodically) Ah, just one more question… (beat) Miss Divine, would it be all right if I came by the club if I have any more questions?
KITTY (forced cheer) Of course! In fact, I’ll have comps at the door for you and your wife, Mrs. Palumbo- good anytime.
PALUMBO (genuinely pleased) Awwww…she’d love that. Well, good night.
KITTY Good night.
CUE FOOTSTEPS FADING AWAY CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
NICK Let’s get you home, Kitty… (beat) Or should I say…‘La Chat’?
KITTY (freezing, low) What was that?
NICK You heard me. (beat, in explanation) 139
How long have I been your fence? Do you really think I couldn’t figure it out the moment I met you in real life?
KITTY But…but I was wearing a mask every time I saw you!
NICK So? Expecting me not to recognize you because of a flimsy piece of black fabric is like expecting Lois Lane to not recognize Superman because he’s wearing glasses. Just not feasible.
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY (warily) So, what happens now? NICK What do you mean, what happens now? I drive you home, you get a good night’s sleep, and I see you at the club tomorrow night. (beat, hearfelt) You gave me my daughter and my life back. So, I figure I owe you my silence, and a whole lot more.
KITTY (gently) Okay.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE CAR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE CAR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CUE CAR STARTING
NICK Do we need to stop anywhere on the way?
KITTY Why do you say that? 140
NICK (slyly) Because I just happened to hear that two sisters got robbed of their family jewels while at the Royal Polynesian this evening.
KITTY (smiling slightly) And?
NICK And I think you got yourself arrested to give yourself an alibi.
KITTY (slyly) Could be. NICK So, do we need to go back and recover your ill-gotten gains from wherever you stashed them?
KITTY No need. They’re safe and sound.
NICK Meaning…?
KITTY (very oblique) A lady never tells, and a gentleman never asks.
NICK (chuckling) Okay, okay.
CUE CAR PULLING AWAY CUE MUSIC AMBIENCE
KITTY 141
(narration) As we pulled away, it occurred to me that what I’d feared most about bringing Nick and Julie, father and daughter, back together had turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Now, I had a friend who knew my secret, and it wasn’t scary- it was oddly comforting. Like a few pounds of the weight on my shoulders being lifted off. (beat) Guess I’d been wrong…it wasn’t just another night in the life at all.
FADE TO BLACK
EPISODE 4-5 SEGUE
CUE ‘NINE LIVES’ THEME FADEOUT CUE MOMENT OF SILENCE
DIRECTOR And…cut. (choosing his words carefully) That…was…surprisingly…not bad.
TRIXIE Not bad?? She did terrific!
GLADYS (a little begrudgingly) I’ve got to admit, she makes a good Kitty.
MIDGE (meekly) Really?
MAXINE (supportive) Yes, really!
DIRECTOR (trying to sidestep around this) 142
Yes, yes- you did great. Now let’s get to that last episode…
GLADYS (seeing an opportunity to needle DIRECTOR) Before we get to that last episode, what are you going to do for her?
DIRECTOR (trying to play dumb) What do you mean? I’m employing her. That’s enough.
GLADYS Ah ah ah! You’re employing her as a script girl- she’s going above & beyond the call of duty here!
DIRECTOR (still not willing to give in) We’re all going above & beyond to get these shows done! Like me- I’m doing parts and directing!
GLADYS Yeah, but that’s by choice- your choice. And you’re getting paid well to do it. She’s making peanuts!
DIRECTOR (sighing dramatically) Fine. What do you want, script girl?
MIDGE I…I’m not sure.
DIRECTOR (looking to wrap the convo up) Then let me know when you decide. Right now, we’re going to record ‘Gorilla at Largesse’. Places everyone!
CUE END TO MUTTERING 143
CUE FOOTSTEPS STARTING AND STOPPING CUE LIGHT BUZZER EFFECT
DIRECTOR (countdown) Five…four…three…
CUE SILENT TWO-COUNT CUE NINE LIVES THEME MUSIC CUE SEGUE INTO ‘GORILLA AT LARGESSE’
SCENE ONE
CUE TESLA COIL CUE JACOB'S LADDER CUE MANIACAL LAUGHTER CUE GORILLA GRUNTING CUE RATTLING OF CHAINS
KITTY (voiceover) The scene was right out of a Poverty Row flick like 'Bride of the Monster'- the damsel in distress chained to an operating table, the mad scientist laughing in that way that only movie mad scientists do, the hulking assistant grunting wordlessly in the shadows, Tesla Coils and Jacob’s Ladders sparking away for no apparent reason. (beat, increasingly nervous) Only I wasn't watching it on the screen- I was living it. I was the damsel in distress, chained to an operating table, mere moments away from having my skull sawed open and my brain removed. For what purpose? That part has to be heard to be believed…
CUE BUZZSAW STARTING CUE MUSIC SEGUE
144
KITTY (voiceover) It all started just last night. The newspapers were abuzz over a series of daring jewel thefts on the East Side- in fact, the New York Journal-Dispatch went so far as to run the front-page headline 'Big Apple Has New Top Thief'.
CUE MUSIC STAB CUE CHANGE IN MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) A more insecure person might have decided to pull off a big caper as a thumb of the nose at the tabloids. But me? I simply saw an opportunity. With New York's Finest focused on potential targets on the eastern part of Manhattan, the West Side- in particular, the Giselleon Museum, which had just opened an exhibit featuring the Crown of Khwarazam- suddenly became easy pickings.
CUE MUSIC STAB CUE CHANGE IN MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover, confessing a bit) Okay, maybe I had just the teensiest bit of petty motivation to steal a crown. But it was still a good plan. There wasn’t a cop to be found at the museum. (beat) But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have company…
CUE END MUSIC SEGUE CUE NIGHT AMBIANCE CUE WINDOW SLIDING OPEN CUE SOFT FOOTSTEPS ENTERING
DANI 145
(trying to sound tough) Hold it right there, world famous jewel thief La Chat! You’re under arrest!
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY (not buying it) Whoever you are, you’re clearly not a cop. (snidely) You barely sound old enough to be a school crossing guard.
DANI I…I’m making a citizen’s arrest!
KITTY On what charge?
DANI Breaking and entering!
KITTY (innocently) I didn’t break anything. I was just out for a moonlight stroll and noticed a window open. Being the civic- minded individual I am, I wanted to make sure that no skullduggery was afoot.
DANI (not buying it) A moonlight stroll? On a twentieth-story ledge?
KITTY (practically purring) Sooooo relaxing. You should try it.
DANI (a bit frustrated) Well…trespassing, then! 146
KITTY You mean like you’re doing?
DANI I…uh…
KITTY (beat, toying) Let me guess- you took the last tour and then hid in the bathroom until they locked up.
CUE AWKWARD PAUSE DANI (a bit surly) Yes.
KITTY How did you figure you were going to get back out? (beat, snickering) Wait…is that a blanket and pillow behind your back?
DANI (defensively) So what if it is??
KITTY Your plan was to, what- sleep in the bathroom until the museum opens in the morning and then join a tour group?
DANI (sheepish) Maybe…
KITTY Did you take into account that tomorrow’s Monday- and the Giselleon is closed Mondays?
CUE AWKWARD PAUSE
147
KITTY Of course not. (sighing) Well, if you’ll excuse me…
CUE SEVERAL FOOTSTEPS
DANI Wait!!
KITTY What??
DANI (sounding a bit desperate) Don’t you even want to know why I was waiting here for you?
KITTY No, not really.
DANI Then…don’t you even want to know how I thought to be waiting here for you?
KITTY (snidely) Given your level of preparation in other facets of your ‘plan’, I was assuming ‘dumb luck’.
CUE AWKWARD PAUSE
DANI (admission) Okay, it was. (beat, more upbeat) But only a little bit! I figured that you’d hit a place on the West Side because the police are all over the East Side. Then I narrowed it down to three likely targets and picked this one at random. 148
(beat) And I picked right!
KITTY (grudgingly) I have to admit, I’m impressed. Good thinking, kid. (beat, sighing dramatically) I know I’m going to regret asking this, but why are you here?
DANI (shyly) Oh! I…I guess I should introduce myself. My name’s Dani Dean.
KITTY (sudden realization) Oh yeah, you. That pesty reporter.
DANI Yes! How did you know?
KITTY (quickly covering) Oh…uh…because I’ve…seen your byline in the Journal- Dispatch!
DANI Really??
KITTY (playing along) Of course!
DANI What did you think of my expose on…
KITTY 149
(cutting her off) It was great. Could we get on with this?
DANI Sorry, sorry! (beat) I want to get the scoop on the East Side jewel thief!
KITTY Good for you.
DANI And I need your help.
KITTY Bad for you.
DANI No, really!
KITTY Yes, really!
DANI The only way for me to get the scoop is to catch the cat burglar! And I need your help!
KITTY Why on Earth would I help you catch another cat burglar??
DANI To get rid of the competition!
KITTY (aghast) Why, I could never! Haven’t you ever heard of ‘honor among thieves’??
150
DANI (wide-eyed) Golly, is that a real thing?
KITTY No, of course not. But it sounds good.
DANI So, then you’ll help me??
KITTY Nope. DANI (trying to get tough) You might want to reconsider.
KITTY Or else what?
DANI Or else I call the police!
KITTY (dryly) On what? There’s no phone in here.
DANI (thinking) I saw a phone booth down in the lobby!
KITTY (sarcastic) Great! I’ll just wait here while you go make your call. Do you need a dime?
DANI (clearly winging it at this point) I’ll…I’ll scream!
151
KITTY Scream your head off. The only person here this late is the night watchman. And he’s been asleep under his desk for 37 minutes now.
DANI You just made that up!
KITTY Go ahead then. Scream like a banshee.
CUE AWKWARD PAUSE
DANI (relenting somewhat) How could you possibly know he’s been asleep for 37 minutes?
KITTY Because I make it my business to know that sort of thing.
DANI Huh?
KITTY Cat burglar. Remember?
DANI See? And that’s why I need your help! You think like a cat burglar!
KITTY (raising an eyebrow) Do you and Edward R. Murrow think alike?
DANI No, of course not!
152
KITTY Then why would you assume that all cat burglars think alike?
DANI (flustered) Because…ummmm…uhhhh…
KITTY Look, this new thief is clearly a rank amateur- strictly smash & grab. Hasn't even developed a style yet- just seems to snatch random items, leaving far more valuable ones untouched.
DANI But by all accounts, his ability to get to the most inaccessible of places is…superhuman!
KITTY (dryly) And knowing that I’d be hunting for a potential superhuman is supposed to win me over?
DANI Aren’t you the least bit curious??
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY I’m…not even going to do the ‘curiosity killed the cat’ thing.
CUE AWKWARD BEAT
DANI (wheedling) Oh, come on!!!
KITTY 153
(relenting dramatically) Fine! I’ll help you. But right now, I’m stealing the Crown of Khwarazm. And if you make no effort to stop me, then you’re an accessory.
DANI (fingers in her ears) I didn’t hear that! (beat) And anyway, I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our new partnership!
KITTY Great! I’ll be just a minute.
CUE PADDING FOOTSTEPS
DANI (from other room) So, when can we get started?
KITTY Well, it’s too late tonight… (beat) We?
DANI Of course! How am I going to get the scoop if I’m not there with you?
KITTY You do realize that it’s likely going to involve a lot of slinking over rooftops and along high ledges?
DANI I’m not scared!
KITTY You should be. But, suit yourself. (teasing) 154
Of course, if you should happen to ‘slip’ and plummet to your doom… (beat) Well, dead reporters tell no tales.
CUE DANI LAUGHING NERVOUSLY
KITTY (toying with her) Why are you laughing? (beat) Oh. You must think I wouldn’t do it.
CUE DANI STOPPING LAUGH SUDDENLY
DANI (suddenly very nervous) Because…you wouldn’t do that, of course! (beat) Would you?
KITTY Guess we’ll find out. See you on the roof of the Randolph Building, midtown, tomorrow night, midnight.
CUE MUSIC SWELL
END SCENE
155
SCENE TWO
CUE MUSIC INTRO
KITTY (narration) True to my word, I arrived on the roof of the Randolph Building at the stroke of midnight- after first casing the joint for an hour to make sure that our eager cub reporter didn’t have an unpleasant surprise arranged for me. (beat) Well, she did…but not the one I was anticipating…
CUE NIGHT AMBIANCE CUE LIGHT WIND CUE LIGHT FOOTFALLS
KITTY (dry disbelief) What in the world are you wearing?
DANI 156
(a bit abashed) If we’re going to be working together, I thought I should come in disguise!
KITTY Yes, disguise- like dark clothes. Not a catsuit with kitty ears and a tail.
DANI (full-on blush) Well…I thought… (laughing nervously) ”Why not matching outfits?”
KITTY (dryly) I can think of a few reasons why not. DANI (protesting) That may be, but it’s too late to do anything about it now! I didn’t bring a change of clothes along with me!
KITTY (snorting) You mean you walked here dressed like that?
DANI (indignant) Of course not! (beat) I took a cab. (beat, thinking) And anyway, who are you to talk?? You’re wearing the same outfit!!
KITTY Yes, but I’m La Chat, world-famous cat burglar. I work in the shadows.
DANI 157
(huffy) Whatever. Can we just do this, please?
KITTY (teasing) Okay, ‘La Chatonne’.
CUE SOFT FOOTSTEPS CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) My overeager cub reporter and I picked our way across the rooftops of midtown Manhattan, working our way east in hopes of stealing a glimpse of our 'superhuman' cat burglar en route to or from a crime.
CUE MUSIC STAB
KITTY (voiceover, continuing) But that seemed increasingly unlikely, given how my overeager cub reporter wouldn't stop talking.
CUE END MUSIC SEGUE CUE SOFT FOOTSTEPS
DANI (rattling on) Well, at first the police weren't going to let me into the crime scene. But I was all like "I'm a reporter for the New York Journal-Dispatch!" And they were all like "Then let's see some ID, kid." And I was all like "Who are you calling kid?? I'm a reporter and demand to be treated with respect!" And they were all like "Just show us the ID, okay kid?" So I showed them my ID and they let me into the Asper Towers gallery- and boy oh boy, was I glad that they did. Because the first thing I saw was that the window used for ingress... (beat, thinking) Egress...um...La Chat? 158
KITTY (numbly) Uh huh.
DANI Is 'ingress' or 'egress' the word for entering a building?
KITTY You're the writer.
DANI Ingress, I think. Though I think ingress and egress are more realty terms. I should make a note to check on that. Anywho...the window used for ingress into the Astor Towers gallery had inch-thick iron bars over it. Well, not bars- they were round. Would they still be bars then? I guess they'd still be bars, right? Anyway, inch-thick iron bars over it. (beat) Only...the bars had been torn right out of the concrete they were set in!
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
DANI Well? Aren't you going to say anything?
KITTY Oh, sorry. That pause was for me? I thought you just passed out from not stopping to breathe.
DANI (ignoring that) Isn't that incredible? And that's where my theory that the East Side thief is some sort of superhuman came 159 from. What other superhuman abilities he might possess, I don't know yet.
KITTY (cutting in) Well, he definitely wouldn't need to have super- hearing, since you haven't stopped talking for two hours now.
DANI (apologetic) Sorry! Sorry! It's just that, when I'm nervous, I babble. I just can't seem to stop! My mouth opens and just keeps going and going and going...
KITTY (cutting her off again) Remember what I said last night about how you might 'slip' and plummet to your doom?
DANI (not getting it at first) Yes... (getting it) Got it. Sorry!
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
KITTY (cautiously) Looks like you shut your trap just in time. See over there? Penthouse balcony, two buildings north-east.
DANI (gasping) Look at the size of him! That must be our guy!
KITTY (examining) Yeah… 160
(beat) Something doesn’t look right about him, though…that shambling gait…
DANI (in awe) He’s climbing down the side of the building!
KITTY Come on.
CUE MUSIC SEGUE CUE SOFT FOOTSTEPS DOWN ALLEY
KITTY (chiding) Slow down! When you’re tailing someone, you don’t want to get close enough to give yourself away.
DANI Sorry, sorry! (beat) Boy, this guy may be able to rip iron bars out of concrete and scale the side of a twenty-story building, but he’s slow as molasses.
KITTY (thinking) It’s the walk. Like he’s bowlegged or something. He’s practically walking on his knuckles…
DANI He’s turning. (beat, nervously) Looks like he’s heading into Gotham.
161
KITTY (catching that nervousness) Is that a problem?
DANI Haven’t you heard about the giant man-bat that’s supposed to haunt Gotham??
KITTY Pfffft.
DANI No, really!
KITTY I thought that was Hell’s Kitchen.
DANI No, Gotham!
KITTY Whatever.
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
KITTY (a bit short-tempered) Do you want your story or not?
DANI Yes!
KITTY Then come on!
CUE FOOTSTEPS STARTING AGAIN
KITTY 162
(muttering) Giant man-bat…
DANI He’s ducking into that abandoned warehouse!
CUE FOOTSTEPS STOPPING
KITTY Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to case the joint and make sure it’s safe before waving you in.
DANI (a bit teary-eyed) You’re…you’re worried about me?
KITTY (acting a bit overly harsh) Before you get too misty-eyed, this is for my good- not yours. The last thing I need is some tenderfoot tripping over a pile of empty paint cans and giving us both away.
DANI (a bit deflated) Okay, okay. Gotcha.
KITTY Look for me to wave from that broken-out window on the second floor. It’ll take about ten minutes.
DANI Right.
CUE FOOTSTEPS CUE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC AMBIANCE 163
KITTY (voiceover) I crept up on the warehouse entrance, stealthy as my namesake. But all the while, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right…that there was something very, very odd about our shambling jewel thief… (beat) And then the lights went out.
CUE MUSIC CRASH
END SCENE
SCENE THREE
CUE TESLA COIL CUE JACOB'S LADDER CUE GORILLA GRUNTING CUE KITTY GROANING
KITTY Uhhhhh…my head…
CUE DR. BICLOPS LAUGHING MANIACALLY
DR. BICLOPS Funny you should say that.
CUE RATTLING OF CHAINS
KITTY (peeved) Why am I chained to an operating table?
164
DR. BICLOPS Because I don’t like my patients to get up and wander off before surgery!
KITTY (more wary) I didn’t realize I had an appointment to, um…
DR. BICLOPS Go under the knife?
KITTY I wasn't going to put it quite that way.
CUE DR. BICLOPS LAUGHING MANIACALLY
DR. BICLOPS Oh yes, under the knife you will go… (beat, with relish) La Chat.
KITTY (even more wary) You know who I am.
DR. BICLOPS Oh of course! Why, everyone knows New York City’s Queen of Crime! (beat, menacing) And it’s so fortuitous that you ‘dropped in’.
KITTY Why is that, Mr…?
DR. BICLOPS (laughing nervously) 165
Where are my manners? The name is Biclops. Doctor Biclops.
KITTY Uh huh. And just what are you a doctor of?
DR. BICLOPS (proudly) I refuse to have my identity restrained by the pallid mores of society!
KITTY (deciphering that) Sooooo…you’re not actually a doctor of anything.
DR. BICLOPS (a bit huffily) Fisheries Science. (beat) Honorary. (beat) From the Mexicali Correspondence Institute of Fine Arts & Sciences.
KITTY (sighing) Of course. And you want to operate on me??
DR. BICLOPS I don't want to operate on you. I am going to operate on you. (beat) But don’t worry! I have an assistant. You’ve already met her. 166
(beat, more sinister) Or rather, she’s already met you.
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING
KITTY I knew there was something about that walk- she’s a gorilla!
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING
DR. BICLOPS And the second-best jewel thief in the Big Apple! (beat) But soon, Lola here will be A-Number-One.
KITTY (very confident) The only way that’s ever going to happen is if I’m out of the picture. (beat, realizing what she just said) Ahhhhh…not that I’m offering that as a suggestion.
CUE DR. BICLOPS LAUGHING MANIACALLY
DR. BICLOPS Oh, you’ll be around. In fact, you and Lola here are going to be a team!
KITTY No dice. I work alone.
DR. BICLOPS You won’t have any choice. 167
(beat, sinister) Not after I’m finished.
KITTY (getting very nervous) What are you planning?
DR. BICLOPS To create the perfect thief! (beat) Lola here has the physical prowess to defeat almost any security system but lacks the mental faculties to put full use to her physique.
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING
DR. BICLOPS While you, La Chat, lack Lola’s brawn but make up for it with that clever criminal mind of yours. (beat, dramatic) And so, I am going to transplant your human brain into Lola’s gorilla body!!
CUE DR. BICLOPS LAUGHING MANIACALLY CUE GORILLA GRUNTING CUE BUZZ SAW STARTING CUE MUSIC SWELL
END SCENE
168
SCENE FOUR
CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) And that's what led me to that oh-so 'Perils of Pauline' moment. I of course took the details of Dr. Biclops' plans with my usual cool-kitty cool...
CUE END MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY Are you nuts??? (beat) What am I saying? Of course you’re nuts!!!
DR. BICLOPS Nuts like a fox!!! 169
KITTY (thinking fast) Wait, wait, wait!
CUE BUZZSAW SLOWING
DR. BICLOPS What?
KITTY If you put my brain in Lola's body, aren't you afraid that I'll turn on you and snap your spine as soon as you unchain me??
DR. BICLOPS I'm willing to take that chance!
KITTY (muttering in frustration) Of course you are.
DR. BICLOPS Now, where was I? Oh yes.
CUE BUZZSAW REVVING
KITTY (thinking again) Wait, wait, wait!
CUE BUZZSAW SLOWING
DR. BICLOPS Now what??
KITTY (clearly stalling) Uh...once you've removed my brain, what are you going to do with my body? (beat, getting skeeved at the possibilities) 170
Ahhhh, never mind. Forget I asked.
CUE BUZZSAW REVVING
KITTY Wait, wait, wait!
CUE BUZZSAW SLOWING
DR. BICLOPS (peeved) At this rate, I'm never going to get your cranial cavity sawed open!!
KITTY (trying a new line of thought) What about poor Lola??
DR. BICLOPS What about her?
KITTY Doesn't she have a say in this??
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING
DR. BICLOPS Why should she?
KITTY Because, by removing her brain and replacing it with mine, you're going to be taking away everything that she is!
DR. BICLOPS Bah! She's just a dumb brute!
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING, HURT
KITTY 171
(rolling now) She's not just a dumb brute! She's been a faithful assistant to you!
DR. BICLOPS A faithful bungler, you mean! Night after night, I send her out to steal all the precious gems she can carry, and night after night she comes back with just one or two baubles! Just look at them, there on the table! Hardly worth the effort!
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING, HURT
KITTY The baubles… (sudden realization) I think you’re all wrong about Lola. (beat) Look closely at the items she’s stolen.
DR. BICLOPS (not seeing it) What about them?
KITTY The Antony & Cleopatra Opals…the Eros Emerald…the Ruby Heart of Omar Khayyam… (beat) Don’t you see the connection?
DR. BICLOPS I don’t see anything!
KITTY They’re all associated with signs of affection. While you look at these gemstones as- what, potential capital 172 for future mad experiments? Lola looks at them as a way of telling you how she really feels. (beat) Lola loves you.
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING LOVINGLY
DR. BICLOPS (completely floored) She what??
KITTY She loves you. Just look at the way she bats her eyelashes at you! A blind man could see it!
CUE PREGNANT PAUSE
DR. BICLOPS (uncharacteristically understated) Is this true, Lola?
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING
DR. BICLOPS (very dramatically tender) I…I never dreamed that you could feel the same way about me that I feel about you!!
KITTY (caught totally off-guard) What?
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING
DR. BICLOPS (gushing) Oh, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world!!!
CUE DOOR BURSTING OPEN 173
GORDON Police!!! Stop where you are!!!
CUE GORILLA GRUNTING ANGRILY CUE DR. BICLOPS SQUEALING GIRLISHLY CUE FOOTSTEPS RUSHING AWAY
GORDON After them!!
CUE FOOTSTEPS RUSHING AWAY CUE FOOTSTEPS OVER TO KITTY
GORDON I’ll have you out of those chains in just a minute, miss.
CUE CLINKING OF CHAINS CUE FOOTSTEPS ENTERING
DANI (clearly acting) Cindy!!! I was so worried about you!!!
KITTY (to herself) Cindy?
DANI (not-very-subtly) When that crazy man and his gorilla kidnapped you while we were on our way to that costume party, I went looking for a policeman as quickly as I could! Thank goodness Lt. Gordon and his men got here in time!
CUE CHAINS FALLING TO FLOOR 174
CUE KITTY FALLING FORWARD ONTO TABLE
GORDON Are you all right??
KITTY (laying it on thick) Yes, I’m fine- the table broke my fall! My legs must be a little wobbly, that’s all. (beat, breathy) Thank you ever so much, Lieutenant.
GORDON (a bit flustered) Glad to be of service, miss. I’ll have a patrolman drive you both home.
KITTY (sultry) Such lovely manners. You’ll make Commissioner someday. (beat) No need to make a fuss over us, though. We’ll hail a cab.
GORDON Well, if you’re sure…
KITTY Quite sure. (beat) Good night, Lieutenant Gordon.
GORDON (practically swooning) Good night.
CUE FOOTSTEPS EXITING CUE OUTDOOR AMBIANCE INCREASING
KITTY 175
(surprised, a little muted) You know, you could have just turned me in and gotten a story that would have made your career.
DANI (solemnly) But I couldn't. Journalistic ethics.
KITTY (a bit surprised) Really?
DANI (giggling) No, not really. (beat, heartfelt) But I owed you one. And I still do. You wouldn't have even been here in the first place if you weren't helping me. So, thank you.
KITTY No, thank you.
DANI You know, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship!
KITTY (eyerolling, joking) Is it too late to get my brain buzzsawed out of my skull?
DANI Ha ha ha. Very funny. (beat) Anyway, I’ve got my story, even if the crazy doctor and his gorilla jewel thief do manage to get away. Oh sure, my editor will think I made the whole thing up. He’ll say “Dean, have you been drinking again??” And I’ll say 176
“Again?? Sir, I have never so much as sipped a beer in all my days!” And he’ll say “That may be, Dean, but you make me want to drink right now!” And I’ll say “That’s not a very nice thing to say! Why, if the other reporters here had half of my gumption, we’d be New York City’s biggest paper instead of its smallest!” And then he’ll say “Out! Out! Out!” But he’ll still run the story on the front page. I just hope they spell my name right! Hmmmm…I wonder if they’ll put a photo of me in the paper? I’m not sure I even have a photo for them to use! Oh well- we have photographers on staff…one of them can take my picture. But then, do I really want to any of those guys to not make me look like a cadaver? I’d better get some professional headshots done. Do you know anyone who does professional headshots, La Chat? Well, do you? La Chat? La Chat, are you paying attention to me? La Chat? Well, whatever. I’ll look in the Yellow Pages. But wait- how will I know if they’re any good? I should try finding a photographer through an agency…
CUE DANI FADING DOWN CUE MUSIC SEGUE
KITTY (voiceover) When all was said and done, what could have been the end of Kitty Divine ended up being a pretty good night for all involved. Cub reporter Dani Dean got her story, Dr. Biclops & Lola got true love, Lt. Gordon got a commendation for rescuing me… (beat, slyly) And I got the Ruby Heart of Omar Khayyam- palmed it when I ‘fell’ onto the table.
CUE MUSIC STAB CUE MUSIC SEGUE ENDING
FADE TO BLACK 177
END SCENE EPISODE 5-OUT
CUE ‘NINE LIVES’ THEME FADEOUT CUE MOMENT OF SILENCE
DIRECTOR (excitedly) And cut. That’s a wrap!
MIDGE (softly- but not quite as meekly as before) Not so fast, Mr. Director.
DIRECTOR What do you mean ‘not so fast’? We’re finished!
MIDGE Not completely finished.
DIRECTOR (a bit accusing) Oh. So, you decided what you want, eh, script girl?
MIDGE (a little more forceful) Midge. My name is Midge. Not ‘script girl’.
CUE “YESSSS!” FROM MAXINE CUE DRAMATIC SIGH FROM DIRECTOR
DIRECTOR (drawn out) All right, Midge. What do you want?
MIDGE First of all, I want paid scale…
178
DIRECTOR But you aren’t union.
MIDGE (ignoring him) And second, I want my union card.
DIRECTOR What?? You aren’t an actor!!
GLADYS (snide, enjoying this) Her performance today says otherwise.
DIRECTOR (animated) But I can’t just whip a union card out of my… (beat, catching himself) Back pocket. There’s a process she has to go through!
FOLEY Make it happen.
DIRECTOR (forced defiance) Or else what?
TRIXIE Or else there might be an ‘accident’ with the transcription disks. Right, Mr. Engineer?
CUE BUZZER
DIRECTOR (muttering) You all hate me. That’s it- you all hate me.
GLADYS Yes. But that’s not why we’re doing this. Fair is fair. You owe her. 179
DIRECTOR Fine. I’ll put in the paperwork after I go on vacation.
MIDGE (sounding more confident) Before.
DIRECTOR (defeated) Before I go on vacation.
MIDGE Okay. Now it’s a wrap!
DIRECTOR (starts to object) Hey!
CUE GONG EFFECT
FADE TO BLACK