Union Redevelopment

Th e student newspaper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,391 felix Friday 11 January 2008 felixonline.co.uk

Inside

Giant 2008 games preview

Pages 25 to 31

Monopole discovered?

Page 4

Who the heck is Bob Dylan?

Page 23

Brand new Technology section

Union redevelopment

College agrees to fund phase two, see page 3 Page 32 2 felix Friday 11 January 2008

News News Editor – Andrew Somerville, News Goblin – Matty Hoban [email protected]

Election fever’s in the air Fresh delivery of chocolate As the race for the (Union) Presidents’ offices begins, Felix gives logs turf to Queen’s Lawn readers the odds on who they can expect to see in the running

Tom Roberts Editor-in-Chief

Across the pond there may be some fairly important election preparations going on, but closer to campus students will soon be out and campaign- ing for positions of power that really matter. The Spring term is here bringing blossom back to trees and this year’s Sabbatical elections. Election fever is rife in the Union at the moment, so Fe- lix is here to give readers the odds on who they can expect to be standing for positions within the Union once next month’s elections come round. For clarification, the Union is run by four student Sabbatical Officers: the Union President and three Deputy Presidents, along with a team of per- menant staff members. During Febru- ary campus-wide elections will be run to select who will be their successors, along with an election for the next Felix editor which is also a Sabbatical position. Any IC student can run and the rest The current favourites to run for Union President. Clockwise from top of the student body will vote online. Fe- left: Jennifer Morgan, Jon Matthews, Luke Taylor and Tristan Sherliker lix will be covering the event in much more detail over the coming weeks, but for now here are the predictions DP Finance & Services (DPFS) Felix Editor for who you can expect to see running for nomination. Note: they are not pre- Andrew Mason – 5-1 Obligatory Joke Candidate – Taking dictions on who will win! Lily Topham – SCC Chair, SAC no more bets staffer – 10-1 Greg Mead – Nightlife Editor – 2-1 President Victoria Gibbs – Current DPFS’ First Jovan Nedić – Sport Editor – 6-1 Lady – 25-1 Andrew Somerville – News Editor Jon Matthews – Former DPFS, – 12-1 former GSA Chair – 3-1 DP Clubs & Societies (DPCS) Mike Cook – 20-1 Tristan Sherliker – CGCU President Matty Hoban – Music Editor – 25-1 – 7-1 Eugene Chang – RCC Chair, NCC Ed Henley – Science Editor – 33-1 Jennifer Morgan – RCSU President member, SAC staffer – 3-1 – 10-1 Luke Taylor – 8-1 In case you were wondering: Luke Taylor – ACC Chair, Felix cen- Lily Topham – 10-1 CGCU – City & Guilds College Union Re-turfing of Queen’s Lawn began on Wednesday. The £250k trefold regular – 15-1 RCSU – Royal College of Science marquee which had been up for over half a year was eventually Andrew Mason – SAC staffer, NCC DP Education & Welfare (DPEW) Union taken down one week after the College’s planning permission member – 20-1 ACC – Athletics Clubs Committee expired on 16th December, leaving a vast muddy bog. Some Ashley Brown – Live! Editor – 40-1 Ryan Dee – SAC staffer – 5-1 SAC – Student Activities Centre students have reported pain in their eyes, diagnosed by doctors as Stephen Brown – Current Union Lily Topham – 15-1 NCC – New Clubs Committee Greentitis – a sudden acute pain of the sarcastic gland in the eye. President – 50-1 RCC – Recreational Clubs Committee

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London felix 1,391 SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 11/01/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2007.

Felix was brought to you by:

Editor-in-Chief Business Editor Games Editors LOLCATS Tom Roberts Afonso Campos Azfarul Islam Sebastian Nordgren Deputy & News Editor Politics Editor Andrew Somerville Li-Teck Lau Technology Editor James Finnerty

News Editor Arts Editors OF TEH WEEK Matty Hoban Rosie Grayburn Travel Editors Caz Knight Nadine Richards Layout Editors David Paw Ahranyan Arnold Jemil Salami Sally Longstaff Welfare Editors Fashion Editor Nigel Cooke Sarah Skeete Copy Editors Kirsty Patterson Louise Etheridge Sports Editor Tom Culley Nightlife Editor Jovan Nedić Anthony Maina Greg Mead Gilead Amit Photography Film Editor Sally Longstaff Science Editor Alex Casey Vitali Lazurenko Ed Henley Thanks to Matty Hoban Friday 11 January 2008 felix 3 [email protected] News Operation go for Beit phase two The Union secures funding for the second part of its Masterplan. Improvements to the Union building will include a brand new Student Activities Centre and a new gymnasium due to be completed in January 2009

Tom Roberts & Andrew Somerville

During the final days of last term, the Union announced that it had finally secured funding to proceed with phase two of the Beit Masterplan redevelopment scheme, following the approval of a grant from College of £1.93m, bringing the total funds raised to £3.322m. The Beit Masterplan is the Union’s much needed strategy for rejuvenating and updating its current aging facilities. The 2nd phase of the Masterplan aims to update parts of the West side of the Union building, upgrade the ancient electrical and mechanical infrastructure, and prepare the building for the final phase. Work is planned to begin in March once the current ten- Floor plans for the new Student Activities Centre on the second mezzanine floor. There will be a new gym on the floor above too dering process has been completed and it is due to be completed in Janu- ary 2009. SAC will be completely redesigned to into a brand new gym with a sprung, gency) was discovered to be in great with complaints about the lack of sig- The Student Activities Centre (SAC), become a more centralised element of mirrored dance floor replacing the difficulties in the early part of last nificant change in the central core, and currently located in the East Basement, the Union, a hub for all student clubs one currently on the second floor, in term, but following a full audit it has a lift that often breaks down apparently is due to move to the second floor mez- and societies. order to give clubs and societies a flex- been restored to healthy levels. It cur- costing the best part of £1.8m. zanine of the main Union building. The The third floor will be converted ible space that is free for them to use rently stands at £1.2m and the planned Some of the improvements in phase (Ethos charges societies approximately expenditure of £196k is considerably two are in preparation for the third £45 per hour to use its facilities). The less than the £750k+ that the Union and final phase, in which it is planned meeting rooms that are currently on feared it may have to spend. to totally renovate daVinci’s and dB’s, the 3rd floor are planned to move down Speculation over the progress of replace the old gym with a games into the East Basement, occupying the phase two has been rife for roughly room and move the Union offices to space where the SAC used to be. nine months after the poor reception the third floor and settle on a use for The gym will be accompanied by of phase one which as Felix readers may the space left behind. After the long new female and male changing rooms recall overran and prevented use of the and protracted financial negotiations in the central core of the 3rd and 2nd central core for approximately four during the preparation for phase two, floor mezzanine, respectively. The months. Phase one has been dogged by it remains to be seen when, or if it will renovation of the central core (the controversy over its dubious success begin, who will fund it and how much stairwell and lift) will be completed even after doubling its completion time it will actually cost. and energy efficiency measures will be implemented throughout the building. The financial support will be coming from a number of sources. College Phase two at a glance has given the Union a £1.93m grant. Grants of £500k and £300k have also Cost: £3.322m come from the Harlington and IC Project start/finish: March 2008/January 2009 Trusts, with the remainder to come 2nd floor mezzanine changes: New Student Activities Centre, male from the Union itself. Reclaimed VAT changing rooms from phase one makes up £396k whilst 3rd floor changes: New gymnasium with sprung, mirrored dance £196k must be taken from the Union’s floor General Reserve. Further improvements: New energy efficiency measures, upgraded As readers may remember the Gen- electrical and mechanical infrastructure eral Reserve (a large pot of money in- Artistic impression of the Student Activities Centre tended for use in the event of an emer-

Railcard Oyster discounts Science Challenge is coming

Tom Roberts Daniel Burrows Editor-in-Chief & Alex Guite

As 2007 bowed out, Transport for Lon- The Science Challenge, which last don’s (TfL) fare packages for the New year gave away £4,500 of prize money Year came into effect. Single fares were for short essays guessing the scien- frozen on all tube journeys, including tific breakthroughs that will shape the when paying by cash, whilst Oyster future, is back again in 2008. The or- card bus journeys fell in price by 10% ganisers are promising bigger prizes to 90p. this year and have already raised a pot It also transpires that students have of £25,000 sponsorship, mostly from been given a further bonus: railcard Shell and the College. Win yourself a Wii just by users can now “combine” their Young Any student, including postgradu- registering for the mailing list Person’s Railcard with their Oyster ates, at Imperial College can enter an pre-pay card, giving them a discounted 800 word essay. This year’s challenge daily price cap. will be revealed by the Rector at the scientific development of the next 100 The most an Underground Oyster Oyster + Railcard = £3.10 daily price cap launch event on Tuesday January 22 in years. card user can spend within a single day MechEng 220 at 6.30pm. More details A parallel competition is also open to is £4.80 when travelling throughout about the challenge, the prizes, along all high schools in the UK and students zones 1 and 2. Students with a Young website has proven to be a very pain- can head to their nearest tube station with a few surprises, will also be an- can invite their old school by down- Person’s Railcard can now get a third ful process, however some information with their Oyster card and Railcard nounced in Felix next week. loading the information pack from the off, reducing their daily cap to £3.10. can be gleaned at www.tfl.gov.uk/tick- where the staff will apply the update. In 2007 Naaman Tammuz from Science Challenge website at www. The discount also applies to Disabled ets/faresandtickets/singlefares/6769. Reports have come through that Un- physics scooped a top prize of £2,500 rcsu.org.uk/sciencechallenge. A Nin- Persons Railcards as well as HM Forces aspx along with a table of the new daily derground staff are unaware of the at an awards ceremony held in The tendo Wii is also up for grabs, chosen and Senior ones. caps for all the zones. entitlement but this reporter encoun- Ritz hotel for his prediction that bionic randomly from anyone who registers Finding more information on TfL’s The offer is in effect now. Students tered no such difficulties. implants will be the most significant for the mailing list. 4 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Science Science Editor – Ed Henley [email protected] Monopolar disorder for Maxwell II Classically forbidden, magnetic monopoles may in fact be allowed in certain types of "spin ice". Pretty cool...

Edmund Henley GILBERTO MORANDO AND CRISTIANO NISOLI These spin-ice compounds, which Science Editor contain the rare-earth elements Dys- prosium and Holmium (10 points to Δ B = 0. This equation, the reader who’s ever heard of these one of Maxwell’s Famous before) have a unique structure, which Four, is writ in stone for lead to a residual disorder in the di- many physicists, who of- poles at very low temperatures, where ten remember it as being normal ferromagnetic materials are or- equivalent to the statement “there are dered. This structure imposes an “ice no magnetic monopoles”. However, a rule”, governing the orientation of the recent letter to Nature verges on the dipoles at each vertex of the structure iconoclastic, as it suggests that monop- – 2 pairs of dipoles must point into oles may in fact be found in a type of the dipole, and 2 out. Local violations magnetic material known as spin ice. can occur (3 in at one vertex) provided To understand what a monopole they are balanced (by 3 out at a neigh- means, and tackling what Castelnovo bouring vertex). These imbalances are et al. have found, it’s worth having a not monopoles in the classical sense of closer look at the equation above. This fundamental particles with a net mag- states that the divergence of the magnetic charge, being instead examples of netic field is zero, meaning that isolat- what is known as an emergent quasip- ed sources (or sinks) of magnetic field article – effective particles which arise do not exist – they must always come due to the bulk interactions within in pairs, a source and a sink. In day-to- elements of a system, and which act day language, this tells you that a mag- as if they were real particles. Notably, net always has a north and a south pole Castelnovo et al have shown that they – it isn’t possible to find a magnet with exhibit a phase-change, going from a only a north (or south) pole. monopole gas to a liquid, behaviour If one imagines a box around an or- which may explain the residual disor- dinary magnet, the number of mag- Artificial spin ice, apparently. Looks a bit like that Easter Egg in the old version of Excel. Happy days... der in spin ices at low temperatures. netic field lines coming out of the box These spin ices exhibit many other from the north pole of the magnet will interesting properties: amongst oth- be exactly balanced by the number of field lines coming out of a box enclos- cancel, leaving the north and south In summary, in order to separate a ers, the monopoles have a tuneable field lines entering the box and going ing electric charge is proportional to poles at the further ends. If one contin- pair of monopoles to infinity (a sce- magnetic charge, and are a rare exam- to the south pole. Attempts to break the amount of charge in the box. ues to add magnets to each end, creat- nario in which each end of the string ple of what is known as “fractionalisa- this magnet and separate the two poles However, although monopoles ap- ing a string of dipoles (north and south could certainly be considered locally tion” in 3 dimensions. Oleg Tcherny- will be thwarted. Where the break oc- pear to be absent at all scales from pole pairs), does one not get a magnet as a monopole), one would require an shyov, reviewing the letter in the same curs, a new pair of poles will be cre- the macroscopic to the subatomic, the long enough that locally (imagine a infinite amount of energy. Since this is Nature issue, notes that the only other ated, leading to two smaller magnets, statement that they do not exist is ex- small box almost encompassing each energy is not available, the energy cost example which comes close is the frac- each with a north and a south pole. perimental – they have never been ob- end) one effectively has a monopole of creating a string means it can only tional quantum Hall effect, which is The total number of field lines emerg- served. Yet some theories, such as the at each end of the string? It turns out reach a finite length (about a thou- has only been confirmed in 2 dimen- ing from the original box (or indeed Grand Unified Theories (GUT) which that separating the monopoles by add- sandth of a millimetre in an ordinary sional systems. And these monopoles from smaller boxes around each of the try to link all the forces in nature, pre- ing dipoles in this fashion requires en- magnet) – the monopoles at each end may turn out to be of practical interest smaller magnets) will still be zero. This dict that they should exist. Accord- ergy. Castelnovo et al. point out that in are “confined”. too: Tchernyshyov notes that though inability to separate the sources and ingly, various experiments have been a vacuum, one has to expend a lot to However, the authors, led by Clau- spin ice will not be able to sustain a di- sinks of magnetic field – effectively run to try to look for them, but thus conjure up the required dipoles in be- dio Castelnovo from Oxford’s Rudolf rect current of magnetic monopoles, it positive and negative magnetic charge far have borne little in the way of fruit, tween, and even in an ordinary magnet Peierls Centre for Theoretical Phys- may be possible to generate an alter- – is in contrast to the sources and sinks certainly nothing universally believed. (effectively made up of many dipoles, ics, have shown that in certain types nating magnetic current, and that if of electric field, electrons and protons, Magnetic monopoles, if they exist, ap- predominantly aligned in one direc- of spin-ice, it is theoretically possible work progresses on directly detecting which can be isolated. Indeed, the first pear to be exceedingly rare. tion), one has to expend energy form- to create dipole strings of any length and manipulating monopoles, as Cas- of Maxwell’s equations tells you this – Yet, the observant reader may ask, if ing domain walls (boundaries separat- – the energy cost does not diverge to telnovo et al. hope, technologies such the divergence of the electric field is one puts two smaller magnets end-to- ing regions of perfectly aligned dipoles) infinity as the string is lengthened, so as atomic-scale magnetic memories non-zero; the total number of electric end, the adjacent north and south pole along the length of the string. deconfined monopoles are possible. may be in the offing.

A shot in the dark? New light-activated anti-cancer compound offers more

Sally Leon catchy name of “trans, trans, trans- cancer cells containing the compound, [Pt(N3)2(OH)2(NH3)(py)]”, is highly thus activating the compound and se- A team of researchers from the Uni- stable and non-toxic if left in the dark. lectively killing those cells. Normal versities of Warwick, Edinburgh, Dun- But if light falls on it, it becomes much cells exposed to the compound would dee and the Czech Republic’s Institute less stable and highly toxic to cancer be protected by keeping the patient of Biophysics have discovered a new cells. In fact, in tests conducted on in darkness until the compound has light-activated platinum-based com- various human cancer cell lines, once passed out of the patient. pound that is 80 times more powerful activated by exposure to UV light the Speaking to the Guardian, Josephine than similar cancer treatments. compound was 13-80 times more cyto- Querido, of Cancer Research UK, said: While commonly used platinum- toxic than cisplatin and was also able to “Developing treatments that attack based anticancer compounds such kill cisplatin-resistant cancer cells. cancer cells but leave healthy tissue as cisplatin are successful cytotoxic What makes this compound remark- unharmed is the holy grail of cancer agents - they are poisonous to cells - able is its high stability in the dark research.” their use is limited due to the frequent (important for a photochemothera- Professor Martin Glennie, of South- development of resistance to treatment peutic agent as this allows it to reach ampton University, said the approach and side-effects. Such side-effects arise target sites before photoactivation) and was promising, but was more cautious Light: the last thing a cancer cell containing the new compound sees when healthy tissues are killed along- unique mechanism of action, which about its life-saving potential. “It is side the cancer cells. Light-activated enables it to kill cancer cells resistant very rarely the primary cancer that kills cancer therapy offers the potential for to other drugs. Professor Peter Sadler you. Usually it’s the cancers that form doctors to target treatments at tumours said of their discovery: “Light activa- after it spreads, because they get to the Competition Winners with great precision and is already used tion provides its massive toxic power lungs, or the brain and everywhere else. with some success for the treatment of and also allows treatment to be tar- It’s impossible to target those because Congratulations to the winners of last term’s competition! Ben- non-melanoma skin cancers and other geted much more accurately against often you don’t know where they are.” jamin Lux, from Electrical Engineering, walked off with the 6-month cancers such as tumors of the brain, cancer cells.” Nevertheless, although in the earliest New Scientist subscription, while Heather Jackson (Materials) and lung and bladder. The compound has the potential for stages of development, the research- Jessica Lo (Maths) got some New Scientist books & USB sticks. The team, headed by Professor Pe- use in the treatment of surface cancers. ers are hopeful that in a few years their Thanks to all others who took part. In case you were wondering, ter Sadler at Warwick, has shown that Patients would be treated in a darkened compound will offer a glimmer of hope correct answers were: 1-B, 2-C, 3-A, 4-C, 5-A, 6-B, 7-A. the compound, also known by the environment with light directed at the to some cancer patients. When we can’t tell you what you’ll be doing tomorrow because you’ve not come up with it yet.

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bp.com/ukgraduates 6 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix Darwinism lecture controversy Readers take umbrage at Pietro Aronica’s article on Ahlul Bayt Society’s Darwinism lecture in issue 1390 Another theory

our last edition of the Felix ward, plainly and simply, the thoughts universe has always existed. This was with the ideas. I then came across this featured a 3-page dedica- that have led me to accept the idea of all right, until Edward Hubble came up idea of a designer, defined in the way tion to the opinions of Pi- creationism. I believe in the existence with his Big Bang theory. He observed I described above, and I found that on etro Aronica regarding the of a ‘designer’, someone above and things like red shift, and cosmic radia- many spheres it made sense. He wasn’t Y AB-Soc event with Harun beyond the realms of matter, whose tion that suggested an explosion as the created, because he does not have Yahya. Putting to one side Babuna’s existence is bound not by the laws of possible start of our universe. Current a beginning (a law of this universe), ability to give a decent speech, I felt time or physics, nor even by the laws science still stands by this. This is im- and could, therefore, easily have been disappointed that Felix failed to publish of the universe. The ‘designer’ can- portant. Why? Well, logically speaking, behind the transition from nothing- the brighter elements of the talk itself. not be given the image of man, nor an expansion must mean that the uni- ness to something. There may not be Obadah Ghannam This would have made Aronica’s opin- any other conceptualised image that verse was smaller yesterday, and even a scientific means to find out how. But ions easier to understand; and, surely, may come to mind – giving him an smaller the day before. Take this back there may never be a scientific way to this neutral standpoint would have eye like ours for example, must mean many years, just before the ‘Big Bang’, measure what happened during this been the best one for Felix to take? that he needs to blink, and is there- and you would find a point of zero vol- state of nothingness. And my belief in However, this is not the reason why fore dependant on blinking to be able ume, when there was simply a state of this ‘designer’ is congruent with my ob- I write today. After I read Aronica’s to see properly. I therefore don’t know nothingness. What does this mean? servations of ‘design’ in this universe. viewpoint, I wanted to highlight a few what form this ‘designer’ takes, but I Well, simply, it raises the question of So – after all this – all I want to say points regarding the understanding know that he must be out there. Why how something, comes from nothing. is: explore before you deplore. Don’t he puts forward. ‘Creationism’ has be- do I know he exists? Firstly, we must Many theories have emerged. I looked brush these ideas away before fully un- come a stigmatised word, enshrouded question the origins of this universe. into these – the Oscillating Universe derstanding them. Things are deeper in thoughts of superstition and unsci- Originally, scientists believed in the Model being one – and found some than a speech and a supposedly poor entific conclusions. Let me put for- Steady State Theory, suggesting the scientific and logical inconsistencies presentation may indicate. Science and theology

have not been a reader of the Although the event was born of good us their DNA, or whether you believe same thing, only in a ruder way. An Felix since my early undergrad intentions to promote dialogue, I there is no ‘God’ at all, please do not al- hour or so after I read the offensive ar- days, but a copy of the Felix I found myself quite embarrassed on low these beliefs to restrict your mind. ticle, I was invited to a Christmas carol picked up last term shocked and one hand by the way in which some of Of course I respect people’s beliefs, concert by a cheerful, smiling Mormon I saddened me. Now, don’t get the contentious arguments were put whatever they are, but I hope we can in the street. Now although I do not me wrong, I have heard that the Felix across, but, on the other, I was equally all agree that science has nothing to agree with the Mormons’ theology, the of today is one of the best student pa- ashamed of the way it was responded do with theology. Science is about this good manners with which he conduct- pers around, which is why I was quite to by the emotionally-charged A-level universe we live in, it is about what we ed himself made me think well of Mor- disappointed to read Pietro Aronica’s biology graduates, which led to the can measure, observe or at least infer; monism (if that’s what you call it); now Salman Butt treatise on the Ahlul-Bayt Society’s likes of last edition’s article (you know, most of all, it is about results. Science imagine what someone would think controversial event on ‘evolutionism’. the one with Darwin’s picture next to does not claim to deal with the exist- of science after reading an article in I am in a position that perhaps many Hitler’s. Tsk tsk). ence or non-existence of a creator; which someone uses it to defend their others share, which is one of shame. I have come to realise that this stems science pertains to this four dimen- beliefs by speaking vulgarly of oth- from a deeper problem which has ap- sional box we are all in. Please do not ers’. As much as it pains me to admit peared amongst the general public, be fooled into following popularisers it, there are self-righteous ‘scientists’ which I think, threatens to pull us back (read hijackers) of science, no matter among us who are more indoctrinated to the wrong side of the Renaissance. how eloquent their words. After all, we than those whom they seek to humili- The western world was lured out of are at Imperial; so we should promote ate. Of course, I do not mean to put its dark ages by a movement in which responsible science, and not some sort down the discussion of theology, but learning and thought were injected of religious-‘scientism’ alternative. rather I want to stimulate responsible interfaith@imperial into society, but there now exist peo- Coming back to the point, there was discussions in the correct arenas, and ple who abuse this beautiful ancient an understandable backlash at the evo- I look forward to ICU Islamic Society’s logic to push their beliefs on to oth- lutionism event, because many athe- annual Islam Awareness Week in week ers, under the banner of ‘science’. This ists’ beliefs were challenged, and differ- 6 of this term, to clear up some mis- is a plea to all those who hold science ent people respond to this in different conceptions. It is only if we prevent dear to not jump on the bandwagon of ways. As I mentioned earlier, I do not our personal beliefs (atheistic or theis- mixing science with their theological agree with some of the material used tic) from affecting our science, that we beliefs. Whether you believe the uni- to attack atheism, because atheism, can remove these mental handbrakes verse was created from nothingness/ like theism, cannot be challenged us- that restrict our learning, and bring timelessness, whether you believe al- ing science. However, I must voice my back the pace of human thought to iens came down from planet X to give protest at Mr Aronica doing the exact match that of eras past.

Deputy Editor, Andrew Somerville, the larger, but the quantity of the sub- ence, and towards the subject in gener- who attended the Creationism lec- mission is left up to the contributor, and al. The placement of Hitler’s image next ture responds: in no way reflects the views of Felix, nor to Dawkins’ was not our own: the pres- the weight that we give to the opinions entation itself accused Darwin of being 5pm Felix apologises that the article cited of others. responsible for Hitler, Stalin, Fascism, open meeting above was not clearly marked as being However, I feel I must address some Anarchism and Terrorism. To be angry part of the comment section, as it was of the points raised by the above writers with such emotive links being drawn thurs intended. In publishing said article, with my own opinion-riddled response. into a “scienctific” debate in such dubi- in the Chaplaincy Centre however, we did so in a fairly well bal- I believe that the above articles misrep- ous fashion is understandable. for anyone interested in anced fashion, with not one, but three resent members of the audience, label- Felix represents many views, and 17th Jan separate articles covering the lecture. ling those who were less than enthused on such controversial subjects we can promoting dialogue The first was a purely factual summary by the speaker as “Atheists.” In an event never please all people, but we strive to appearing in the News section, with such as this, provocation is rife, and it bring balance to all subjects, as Azfarul between faiths. two contrasting views in the Comment was certainly not the audience that cast Islam’s wonderfully eloquent piece in section, the second of which the Messrs the first theo-scient-ism stone. Many the issue concerned shows. more details on website Ghannam and Butt appear to have people in the audience that evening, of We’ve had enough of the religious missed, giving two different views of the all types of spirituality, were offended controversy now, though. Please stop same lecture. Mr. Aronica’s piece was by the speaker’s attitude towards sci- sending us angry theological letters. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment New year’s resolution: a haircut

was miffed by the news from De- they can see the big picture. The Kevins science divests the world of its magic, clear skin, who realises that I don’t un- cember’s climate change confer- inside us are saying that progress in and as we come to a better understand- derstand why everything in this coun- ence in Bali that carbon credits Bali is not enough, but Kevin cannot ing of our mind, we don’t expect to di- try except the fox is allowed to go to the from ‘avoided deforestation’ will see past his own fringe. This is because minish the quality of life. I agree, very dogs, but is decent enough to arrange a I become eligible under the Kyoto his beliefs are actually just expressions little can diminish the wonder of Jes- photo opportunity demonstrating that protocol. No longer was this chance of psychological, hormone-dependent sica Alba’s posterior; certainly not the he does understand, and doesn’t like it to save wildlife, carbon and money all need. Reason following passion. The scientific fact that it is perfect, with a either. And I saw another photograph, together just my little project, because deconstruction is slightly disconcert- waist to hip ratio of 0.69. If you are of Nicolas Sarkozy wearing silver avia- the grown-ups understood too. I au- ing, but worthwhile, because what is striving for future people to be okay, tors. Brilliant! tomatically began to convince myself the opposing view to teenage discon- then why not be okay today yourself? All I’m saying is, try being content Noel Forrest that Bali was clearly too little too late, tent? It is the view presumably held by Because it’s not so bad. I awoke to for a change. Don’t make a solo charge and was seriously upgrading the de- the heroes of that fantastic film, Mr Gordon Brown’s appearance on the on a machine-gun post when your mands I wanted to lay before humanity and Mrs Patterson, Kevin’s parents Today programme this morning, and comrades in arms are back in Blighty, when it struck me: I am a ninny. And (who are seen gloriously copulating on he was so very irritating it helped me lying in the long grass by the river sip- you are too. a big screen in Manumission). get out of bed! I turned off the radio ping ginger beer and rolling around We are like Kevin and Perry (who This view is optimism about the fu- immediately, by which stage he had in haystacks with Mary-Lou from the went large), you and I, when we insist ture of humanity, and of course there’s stressed seventy times that he had to farm. Get back on the landing craft that the world is a terrible and doomed little point caring about the environ- make “tough choices”. But I’m not and go for a potter around the harbour, place. It’s always adolescents locked in ment if you aren’t fundamentally op- worried, because he will choose badly, because the sun’s out. And get a hair their own rooms that think that only timistic. This implies a belief that as and will be replaced by a man with very cut. Person of the year 2007

he most important per- maniac, Musharraf spends most of his Machiavellian manoeuvrings; rather son of the 2007, as voted time annoyed that running the country he had mistakenly swapped it for the by TIME magazine, was constantly eats into his kitchen time. recipe to his apple stew. He feared Vladimir Putin. And while He remembers better times when all that if he allowed normal public life T I commend his conserva- he had to do was cook and try to ignore to continue someone might notice tion work with bunnies and his regular the monotonous good governance by that the right to public assembly had visits to see deprived orphans, it seems playing practical jokes on the other suddenly become the right to simmer that someone truly deserving has been generals, like putting too much sugar for 20 minutes. It was only when the overlooked in the selection process. I in their tea. The President sometimes Supreme Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry, feel it’s my duty to give him his due, wonders if they don’t grow suspicious insulted his soufflé that Musharraf Samuel Black ladies and gentlemen Chef… urh… at the growing incidence of diabetes got mad and undermined the judicial President Pervez Musharraf. amongst high-ranking generals. system, but give the man a break. He In 1999 he became leader of Pakistan It is no secret that Musharraf has spent hours on that soufflé. through a supposed coup d’etat, but been an enemy of Islamic extremists President Musharraf has not been in reality Musharraf, rather like Presi- and that in this respect he has been a afraid to fight extremists in Pakistan dent Bush, found himself in a job that valuable ally of the West. This can be and for this, as well as his delicious he wasn’t qualified for. He was a mili- traced back to 1990 when his former chicken jalfrezi, he should be com- tary chef, assigned to work for Prime boss Nawaz Sharif met with Osama bin mended. Admittedly he has tried only Minister Nawaz Sharif and at the time Laden. Musharraf was given the hon- Person of the year: Guess who half-heartedly to bring democracy to of the coup d’etat was on an unoffi- our of cooking for the gathering. Ap- Pakistan, but for a man whose primary cial holiday in Java. Desperate not be parently bin Laden described the goat skill is chopping carrots, he hasn’t done discovered off duty he rushed back to served at the meeting as “salty”. Mush- own ends, he is in fact much more all that badly. If this doesn’t convince Pakistan and through an unfortunate arraf has not forgotten this stinging down to earth. When asked to allow you then just remember that without set of circumstances involving a bowl barb and has tried to protect Pakistan free and fair elections he usually re- Musharraf, my Person of the Year for of hot soup and Kylie Minogue, found from these culinary philistines. plies by asking for the salt. 2007, you wouldn’t be able to get de- himself at the head of the military While he may appear a calculating His suspension of the Pakistani con- cent naan bread this side of the Rad- coup. By no means a power-hungry individual, manipulating events to his stitution last year had little to do with cliffe line. Fatness

o I’ve been told my last article should go is probably the cause of bad was ‘controversial’. Because things in the world such as bird flu and everyone knows whenever the credit crunch. someone says one of those Stick-thin models really do take the Sevil four letter words a fairy piss, though, living off a diet of 3 lettuce dies. Well fuck. I was never a big fan leaves and half a carrot a day. That’s of fairies anyway, so I don’t really care less than what a starving African or- much if Peter Pan loses his Tinkerbell. phan gets. And even then their meal is I’m pretty sure those kids would’ve supplemented by a glass of milk from James Wang started experimenting with that faerie an Oxfam goat. The fashion industry is dust after they got into high school. all fucked up. We should boycott them For the PC police: I’m not going to by burning all our clothes to speed up shove garden rakes up your ass. Not global warming to make it hot enough even if you say please. This is a univer- for everyone to walk around naked. sity where the union toilets have vend- I understand your fear that humans ing machines that sell sex toys; use one will go the way of the Morlocks and of those. Also, I only have one rake and Do fat people really exist or did Jamie Oliver just make them up? the Eloi, turning into a population of I need it to scoop up leaves. fatties and thinnies. But worry not, Onto the article: Fat people (mor- for at some point fat men will neither bidly obese in PC, though I don’t know when I finish the sudoku in my free pa- waist circumference > chest circumfer- be able to fish their genitals from be- why you’re still reading since I won’t be per and look around, I don’t find my- ence). There are two opposing views tween their fatfolds nor be able to tell translating everything). They’re easy self swimming in fat folds. My powers regarding the issue. On one hand, it’s whether it’s thick thighs or vagina to make fun of, and you know you’re of deduction thus tell me that either the latest fashionable epidemic for they’re humping. And the stick wom- relatively safe because unless you get the ones skewing the data are all too politicians (and Jamie Oliver) to worry en won’t want to get preggers because cornered you can always outwalk them huge to get out of their homes or we’re about, how in evolutionary terms our it’d ruin their perfect body. Eventually if they try to sit on you. Britain is sup- being lied to. blood is slowly turning into gravy and both extremes would hit an evolution- posedly so full of lard by now that the Of course there are still some read- our shadows start gaining mass. On ary dead end and die out, leaving only tube should be full of it; filling up two ing Heat magazine and wearing loose the other side of the equation there are Chinese and Indians to overpopulate seats with the armrest comfortably black clothes to try and hide their love doctors and feminists slating size zero the world. wedged somewhere far up between handles, but it’s hardly a crisis (btw – models on the catwalk. These mixed Now go vote me as year rep; I’m the two halves of their asscheeks. Yet black really stops being slimming when messages of which way your curves friendly and approachable. 8 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Comment [email protected] It feels good to be back

h, it’s so good to be back; ympiad à la Pekinois with its Do-Ping cooked evidence and half-baked con- How about a dessert? I’m afraid that and how nice to see you sauce, the highlight of our summer jectures covered with a savoury puff the choice of sweets we offer is a little all again. Please, please, menu. You could, of course, always try pastry filled with hot air. Delicious bit uncertain, due to creative differenc- have a seat, take a load the prime cut 12-ounce American Elec- with a pinch of salt. No? Quite frankly es in the kitchen. At the moment there A off, make yourselves tion; which I think deserves to be well- I don’t blame you – rather too difficult is a small misunderstanding between more comfortable. Now can I get you done, for a change. Perhaps you would to swallow. our pastry chef and our sommelier as anything, anything at all? May I suggest prefer something a little less common? Maybe I could interest you with a to whether or not a Bombe Surprise the 2008? It looks set to be a good year, Something more suited to the refined starter, then? One of the old favourites would set the tone for the new 2008. a little bit delicate around the edges, palate? A highlight of our winter menu is the Middle Eastern soup; especially We might, however, have a baked perhaps, but with a strong body and a is the spicy South Asian or Pakistani popular at this time of year, it’s a dense, Alaska ready for you sometime this Gilead Amit smooth yet delightfully fleshy texture. chicken, so tender and so well-cooked murky and nutritious mix exploding year, though the chefs seem to be in It’s very popular at the moment, and that it literally falls to pieces. with flavour. It’s been a classic for so disagreement as to how realistic a looks set to rival some of the great vin- Perhaps I could tempt you with a long that I really can’t see it ever falling prediction that is. So I would advise tages of recent years. Creationist hotpot? A delightful mish- from the public eye. If you’re looking against making preparations for such I’d heartily recommend it with an Ol- mash of lightly battered arguments, for something a little lighter, perhaps an eventuality, although anything could I could suggest our signature salad: happen – I’m not a cuisine sceptic, you the “Putin”, a Caesar with Russian know, far from it. dressing? Would you care for a hot drink? No? A new addition to our menu is the Maybe a soft drink, then – a glass of LHC alphabet soup, with a rich help- Afghani Coke? How about some fresh, ing of elementary particles cooked at clear sub-Saharan water? No? Nothing high temperatures on the side. For an at all? Are you quite sure? Absolutely additional 1.7 billion Euros, the chef positive? All right then, I’ll leave you to will garnish it with a delicate Higgs Bo- keep reading your paper in peace. Just son gratin. I would advise that particu- allow me to wish you a Happy New lar item for the more educated palate, Year, compliments of the chef – the though I’m sure anyone could feel its very least we could do for our regular Something to look forward to in ‘08: The US circus, I mean, elections benefits. customers. LOL Bush. Am I right folks?

merica is going to change hands this year, and after eight fucking years the only thing people can A muster is more Bush jokes. More of them. Hundreds of the fuckers, like it’s an End Of Line sale at A. Geek Harrods’ Old Internet Jokes depart- ment. George Bush became President of the United States before I could fac- torise quadratics – he represents my entire memory of American govern- mental policy. He has defined a huge chapter in our teenage and not-so- teenage years, and the best most of you can manage is to jeer and spit at both him and those contending to replace him. It really is a case of same shit, different year, isn’t it? This year, America will choose someone else. That’s big, to me. That’s probably the biggest event of 2008 right there, no matter what else might happen in the next twelve months. What I’m sure is going to happen is that the papers are going to demand something of the American people, they’re going It’s official. Bush jokes are no longer funny. So behave to use History as a personified noun and make allusions to it being the ‘last chance’ and maybe include a photo of eign policy, no-one at all mentions us. the honourable, Hollywood-disaster- down either. Yet in Europe, we seem to a sad child in front of an American flag Not a single, solitary peep. movie thing and band together to fight be quietly bemused, like the one guy for good measure. In 1957 a whole bunch of countries the forthcoming Armageddon. Possi- in your Year 11 class who didn’t have And that’s fine, because everyone thought it would be a fine idea to band bly with Bruce Willis playing the part the internet and didn’t really get what knows that people who write comment together and be a bit jollier with each of Gordon Brown. the fuss was about. Maybe if we ignore columns are idiots who get enjoyment other than they had been previously. In its place we have two groups of world events they’ll sort of go away out of displaying their genitalia via Although since meetings before then idiots – the ‘Euro Sceptics’ that make and we can return to the age of colo- the medium of the English language. had largely involved chlorine gas and the BNP look well thought-out and or- nies and orgies. Perhaps, in fact, you’re with them in genocide, the bar was set fairly low, and ganised by comparison, and the ‘Euro Well, we can’t. It’s 2008 and it’s time standing behind the rippling stars- the fact that it had taken them nearly Maniacs’ who spend their days calming to bloody get on with it. Who cares if and-stripes, a single tear rolling down two centuries to realise that America down the French and practicing being you want the single currency? Does I confess your cheek as you look up and slightly had the right idea all along wasn’t a anal. it really matter if Turkey isn’t part of to the left as Frank Sinatra crackles in great indicator of intelligence either. I mean, sure – America invaded Europe? Are hard-working and enthu- I’m not a huge the background – Oh beautiful, for Nevertheless, the foundations for the Iraq, refused to sign the Kyoto agree- siastic migrants really that much of a spacious skies… European Union were laid, with a mere ment and threatened to abduct Brit- burden? It’s time to ignore the minor fan of Europe – Give me a break. America doesn’t six countries on the member list. Fifty ish citizens without due process. But issues, because quite frankly we don’t “ need your condescending banter and it years on, and like a primary school at least they did something. Can you have the luxury of being picky any I’m English, and sure as shit doesn’t need you spitting on craze it’s gone from an elite clique of imagine the EU invading somewhere? more. In the disaster movie, we’re ap- the mistakes of their leaders. If there’s the cool and revolutionary to being a Although, to their credit, the EU are proaching that fateful scene where the one thing it could do with – it and the really rubbish distraction that every- fairly useless when it comes to getting boring and expendable characters are so I hate any rest of this planet’s population – is for one’s gotten a bit bored of and is only treaties signed, too. We wouldn’t know violently killed off and if we don’t do this green and pleasant land to get on exciting to the social outcasts that just organisation if it led us into the House something about it it’s going to be us. country whose with life. Because while everyone the figured out how it works. of Commons and gave us an enema So whether you’re a supporter or world over gawps at a black man and I confess I’m not a huge fan of Europe with a short length of hosepipe and not, at least voice your opinion this language has a bigot banging their heads together – I’m English, and so at some level I some sulphuric acid. year. At least try to push the debate, on soapboxes, and news agencies from hate any country whose language has Ignoring Goldman Sachs’ list of ris- to force some progress. 2008 could be male and female here to Shanghai drone on for hours male and female nouns. But since, ap- ing countries, there are three major su- your last chance. It could be the year nouns about the fecklessness of the American parently, the world is on the verge of perpowers ready to rise and the United History judges us by. All together now, ” people and the hypocrisy of their for- collapse, I thought the idea was to do States doesn’t show any sign of slowing God save our gracious Queen… Friday 11 January 2008 felix 9 [email protected] Comment Much-needed tips on how to swear

ake a given person, X. It is likely that if this given person swears, they will qualify their shit in the T wrong way. Let me dem- onstrate this with a conversation taken from real life: X: Russell Brand is a pile of shit. Y: You have every right so to opine. His David Steward on-screen antics are unsavoury and bewildering. X: No. You don’t understand. He’s a huge pile of shit. Y: I have internalised what you said and am reflecting on its import. X: Listen to me. I’m not just mouthing off here. You must understand that he’s a mountain of shit so big that he ob- scures the sun. Y: I find the train of this conversation repetitive and fruitless. Person X in this situation is trying to He could teach you a thing or two She could too amplify the vehemence of his conviction but Person Y quite rightly recog- One nises that Russell Brand, however shit, would be worse than an ordinary pile the nature of the shit with which we are depth. is of fixed dimensions and so ludicrous of shit, but exactly how much worse is dealing. One might attempt something X: Let us take an absolute scale which might attempt assertions regarding his size do not left to the sensibilities of the other par- like ‘Russell Brand is a bum-titting runs from 0 to 100 whose units shall be have any reflection on his artistic mer- ty, who may, for instance, find ‘pissing freak pile of fucking cock-arse rabbit known as Pricks. Let us further agree something like it. A teaspoonful of shit, reasons Per- shit’ much more unsettling. Matters shit.’ and so forth, but one needs to on something which is not at all shit to “ son Y, is just as unappealing as a pile. become more unsatisfactory when one treat accuracy of expression as one’s register a reading of zero. ‘Russell Brand Instead, Person X might have tried notices the distinct lack of opportuni- guiding principle. The following is far Y: I propose bread. something more like: ‘Russell Brand is ties to insert the word ‘fucking’ into more satisfying: X: Certainly there cannot be anything is a bum-titting a fucking pile of fucking shit.’ Exactly the sentence ‘Russell Brand is a pile of X: Russell Brand is a pile of shit. shit about the staff of life. And let us set what this is supposed to mean is still shit.’; one has thus a very limited abil- Y: You have every right so to opine. His the falling of the Earth into the Sun at freak pile of unclear, however. One can envisage a ity to adjust ones vehemence according on-screen antics are unsavoury and one hundred. substance called ‘fucking shit’ which is to how deeply one feels the sentiment. bewildering. Y: It is duly noted. f**king c**k-arse shit whose main raison d’être is to fuck One can’t, for instance, say ‘Russell X: I don’t think you understand the X: Then Russell Brand is 99 pricks. (or be fucked); then one could custom- Brand is a fucking pile of fucking, fuck- vigour of the belief I invest in my Y: Ahh. I believe I comprehend. You rabbit sh*t build a pile of it to use for fucking things ing shit.’ since the last ‘fucking’ is tau- statement. mean that Russell Brand is a cunt. ” (or to be fucked by things). Clearly, this tologous – we have already established Y: Then you must explain it to me in X: Precisely.

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Politics Politics Editor – Omar Hashmi [email protected] Bhutto dead – a conspiracy is born The ex-Prime Minister’s precise cause of death becomes the centre of controversy after an autopsy is denied

Kadhim Shubber

Benazir Bhutto, ex Prime Minister of Pakistan, has been killed. Her death, perhaps the most significant death of the 21st century so far, has thrown the country into turmoil and made the path to democracy extremely uncertain. Given the tremendous significance of her death, one might suppose that the all the parties involved in Pakistan’s political process would go to every length to avoid any uncertainty or ambiguity around her death. Unfortunately this has not been the case. There were conflicting accounts of her death from the start. A government spokesman said her head was slammed against her vehicle by the blast from a bomb – but her colleagues said she died from bullet wounds. However President Musharraf said, “One should not give a statement that’s 100% final. That’s the flaw that we suffer from” adding that fresh evidence had come to light and also admitting that she might have been shot. Despite this, the lack of a proper autopsy means that all the government has is its word, and unfortunately for Musharraf’s government, this counts for little. The government’s original line was seen as an attempt The late former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto returned to the country only late last year to rid itself of responsibility for her security. Bruce Riedel, an expert on Pakistan at the Brookings Institution the ambiguity about Bhutto’s death is that mistakes were made following with their interests, damaging stability mood. In some areas of Pakistan a de- in Washington said “If there is a gun- more of a priority than for the PPP (her her death and that evidence had been in Pakistan. lay was inevitable, There had been real shot wound, the security was abysmal”. former party) who are benefiting from lost at the crime scene. “I am sure that Islamists in Pakistan have proved damage to Pakistan’s electoral process The government did not want to be the anti-government sympathy result- they did not do it with an intention of how dangerous they are and how clear- during the rioting. 10 election offices exposed on its careless approach to ing from the assassination. The FBI hiding some secrets or that the intel- ly their beliefs run counter to those of were burned down. Due to the delay security, he added. President Mushar- was not asked to aid the investigations ligence agencies instructed them to the Pakistani people. In assassinating former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif’s raf has responded to these concerns due to the negative repercussions of di- hide secrets,” Mr Musharraf told re- Bhutto, the Islamists have dashed the party PML-N has decided to stand for stating that there had been no lapse rect U.S. involvement in Pakistan. porters. “If you are meaning that it was hopes of the Pakistani people by en- election, making it a three-horse race. in security and that Ms Bhutto was It does not seem likely that she was by design to hide evidence, no, it was dangering Pakistan’s progress towards By delaying the elections and allow- responsible for her death by standing assassinated by Musharraf’s govern- inefficiency.” a stable democratic government. ing sentiments to settle, Pakistan has a up through the car’s sun roof. This line ment, the consequences of such an at- Islamic militants who have taken While the Pakistani people have rioted much greater chance of holding mean- has provoked anger amongst Bhutto’s tack were easy to predict and the gov- increasing control of Pakistan’s tribal in anger since Bhutto’s death (resulting ingful elections that will help move the supporters. PPP (Bhutto’s Party) Sena- ernment certainly has not benefited areas along the Afghan border are in over 50 deaths), I sometimes won- country forward. tor Babar Awan said. “Benazir Bhutto from the turmoil and anger that has the likely perpetrators. Ms. Bhutto der if this anger is disproportionately The PPP is hoping for a large sympa- was martyred in a political conspiracy. followed her death. Despite this, low- spoke out many times against Islamic directed towards Musharraf. These so thy vote and are attempting to exploit The entire government is now involved level collaboration by the intelligence militants and they have made no se- called Islamists need to be removed as this by choosing her son Bilawal Bhutto in a save-the-culprit campaign. As the services is a possibility because of Is- cret of their determination to kill Ms a threat before Pakistan can move to- Zardari as the new leader of the party. Independent put it “They [Pakistanis] lamist infiltration. Musharraf has pub- Bhutto since her return to the country. wards a democratic future. They label Critics have denounced this as dynas- don’t blame Al-Qaeda, they blame the licly denied involvement, when asked if She had already survived an attack by all those that try and bring develop- tic and undemocratic, but the Bhutto government”. he had played any part in the assassina- militants; a double suicide attack on ment to Pakistan as enemies and are brand remains strong and represents Athar Minallah, a board member tion, the president said: “My family by her motor cavalcade left 130 dead in indiscriminate in their attacks. During the PPP’s best hopes for the upcoming of the hospital where Ms. Bhutto was any imagination is not a family which October. The style of her killing, a sui- the Muslim holiday Eid, these ‘Islam- elections. However at only 19, Bilawal treated, said the doctors felt an autopsy believes in killing people, assassinat- cide attack, points to Islamic militants ists’ carried out a suicide bombing in- Bhutto is too young to stand for elec- was needed to discover how she actu- ing, intriguing.” However he did admit while the result of her death coincide side a mosque, during prayers, killing tion and until he finishes his studies ally died. The official medical report 50. The real threat for Pakistani de- at Oxford, his father Asif Ali Zardari does not specifically mention a bullet, mocracy comes not from Musharraf, will become the de facto leader of the the actual cause of the head wound was but these irrational killers who imagine PPP. However many within the party to be left to an autopsy which did not themselves as defenders of Islam. are unhappy with his ascendancy due materialise. Ms. Bhutto’s husband Mr. Elections that were planned for the to his 11 years in prison on corruption Zardari refused to allow an autopsy to 8th of January have been delayed until charges. take place. “It was an insult to my wife, February 18th. The reason cited by the The death of Benazir Bhutto has an insult to the sister of the nation, an electoral commission was civil unrest raised the stakes and the tension in insult to the mother of the nation,” he in Pakistan. A more plausible reason is Pakistan. Political stability must be said. “I know their forensic reports are that the ruling party fears that an elec- achieved before a meaningful de- useless. I refuse to give them her last tion soon after Bhutto’s assassination mocracy can be established. An over- remains.” Doctors treating her had would prove to be a foregone conclu- whelming victory for either the secu- stressed that “without an autopsy it is sion. PPP senator Babar Awan warned lar parties (the PPP and PML-N) or not at all possible to determine as to of dire consequences, “If elections are for Musharraf’s party (PML-Q) in the what had caused the injury”. delayed, the constitution is violated, February elections will fuel violence. A An inquiry has been launched into then this would amount (to an) open- more sober result favouring the demo- the circumstances surrounding her ing of a floodgate of violence through- cratic forces will be more conducive death as well as the cause of her death. out the country,” he said. Despite these to progress by allaying fears of elec- UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown apocalyptic predictions, the country toral rigging and reducing the likeli- is sending a team of detectives from has been relatively stable after the ini- hood of a military backlash. However London to aid in the inquiry. Pakistan’s tial rioting. This is down in part to a I believe that 2008 is unlikely to be a President Pervez Musharraf has said he massive effort from the army and the year of change for Pakistan; few will is “not fully satisfied” with the current government to restore law and order concentrate their anger towards Islam- investigation. Referring to the team of in the country. Also the major political ists who will continue to attack indis- detectives being sent by the UK, he parties decided not to protest the delay. criminately and despite an inquiry into said: “We needed more experience, “Incidents of violence have gone down, Bhutto’s death, the people of Pakistan maybe more forensic and technical in that sense one can say the situation will blame Musharraf’s government, experience that our people don’t have”. is better,” said former government min- letting the true enemies of the Paki- For Musharraf’s government, ending Ms Bhutto’s son Bilawal Zardari is being called upon to lead the PPP ister and political analyst Shafqat Mah- stani people off the hook. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 13 [email protected] Politics Kenyan elections stir violence The closely fought election which returned President Kibaki to power has sparked allegations of rigging

Anthony Maina decidedly tribal. Consider for instance the fact that in Central Province, an- It was always going to be a historic cestral home of members of the Presi- election. Following the 2nd liberation dent’s Kikuyu tribe, Kibaki won 98% of of 2002 which saw the fall of the op- all votes cast. Or the fact that in parts pressive 24 year regime established by of western Kenya, where Mr Odinga’s President Daniel Moi, the country had Luo tribe are the majority, Kikuyus come away with a renewed belief in it- and known supporters of Kibaki were self, in democracy. Would 2007 be the denied access to polling stations, with year Kenya proved beyond any shadow threats made upon their lives should of doubt that true democracy stands they show up. The fact is that, espe- a chance in Africa? Sitting President cially in rural Kenya, the tribal identity Mwai Kibaki’s re-election bid faced precedes the national. And while the a credible threat in the person of the country’s 43 tribes have learned to co- charismatic Mr Raila Odinga, an ex- exist as Kenyans, a healthy amount of member of President Kibaki’s cabi- mistrust still exists between different net who had led a veritable rebellion tribes, which politicians freely exploit against the government mid-term for to achieve their own ends. A character- its alleged failure to deliver the radi- istic of the Kibaki administration was cal change it had promised Kenyans in the prominence of members of central 2002. Opinion polls predicted a close Kenya tribes in the cabinet and in the victory for Mr Odinga, making Kibaki President’s inner circle. Although it the first sitting president in Kenyan can be argued that they were all ap- history to be voted out of office. Both pointed on merit and demonstrated sides, however, remained confident of performance, this threw the field open victory. to accusations of tribalism. Members Mr Kibaki had an impressive track of smaller tribes felt threatened, and record to call upon. Coming into when Odinga’s voice promised them power in 2002, his had been the chal- protection and a voice in a new gov- lenge of reviving an economy ravaged ernment they were only too glad to by decades of chronic mismanage- jump aboard. ment. The LSE alumnus and former Given this kind of political climate, academic proved himself equal to the a close election was always going to task. By privatizing industry, providing Allegations of vote rigging in the ethnically divided country have left hundreds dead spell trouble. Few however, could have free primary education, cutting overall predicted the scale of what happened spending, creating business incentives when Mr Odinga controversially lost and investing in IT, he helped build a $400 to $630, according to government Raila Odinga, the self-styled ‘People’s self as a social democrat, he promised the poll. Fear of the majority Kikuyu knowledge-based economy that is fast figures. Kenya’s economy, the biggest President’. A key factor in Mr Odinga’s to spend considerably to improve the tribe turned to hatred and outright becoming a regional hub for outsourc- in the East Africa region, has shown favour was the failure of Kenya’s eco- situation in Nairobi’s notorious slums violence on a scale never before wit- ing, call centers and banking. In 2007 a booming average growth of 5% per nomic renaissance to reach the com- (Kibera, in the outskirts of the city, nessed. Over 300 have now been killed, alone General Electric, Young & Rubi- annum since 2002. The democratic mon mwananchi (Swahili for citizen). is Africa’s largest), provide low-cost with as many as 250,000 displaced cam, Google, Coca Cola and telecom- space also improved dramatically. In Odinga argues that Kenya’s economic housing and give cash transfers to the from their homes by tribal tensions. munications giant Celtel relocated their November 2005, the Kenyan electorate gains of the past few years are only be- very poor. Key also to Mr Odinga’s Talks between both sides towards African headquarters to the country’s resoundingly defeated a new draft con- ing felt by a select group of Kenyans, campaign was Mr Kibaki’s failure to peace are due to begin but whatever capital. Exports reached record highs stitution proposed by parliament and with heads of business and the already- comprehensively deal with corrup- the outcome, an ugly scar has been left for coffee, tea and flowers, a $600 mil- endorsed by the President himself. rich the main beneficiaries. In a coun- tion in his own cabinet, which saw the in the pages of Kenyan history and has lion industry. And since 2002, 1.8 mil- Given his achievements, one could try where the poverty rate stands at 46 country lose millions of dollars in the seriously set back the development of lion new jobs have been created and be forgiven for assuming Mr Kibaki’s per cent, it is easy to see where Odinga form of shady government contracts. a national identity in this young and per capita income has increased from re-election was a given. Not so. Enter found an audience. Describing him- Sadly though, politics in Kenya is fragile democracy. World news summary in under 1/3 page

Li-Teck Lau chances of electoral success with the pledged to focus on economic growth, replacing an overburdened AU force this year’s upcoming Presidential elec- Politics Editor ‘First Past the Post’ voting system for will be sworn in on February 25th. Mr with 20,000 troops. The government tions in the US. Kenyans set aside their the British Parliament, but they may Lee also wants to take a tougher stance in Khartoum insists that claims by the own civil strife to celebrate their ‘son’ Assassination and election rigging well hold the key to power should no on its northern neighbour, reducing UN and ‘Western media’ that 200,000 Barrack Obama’s victory in the first stops for no one, not even santa. The overall majority be achieved by Labour aid and punishing it for its weapons people have died and several million caucus held in Iowa. The front-runner, Politics page brings you a summary of or the Tories at the next General Elec- programs. have been displaced in Darfur are an New York Senator Hillary Clinton, the highlights from the last month or tion, a distinct possibility. exaggeration aimed at undermining it looked shaken on Monday after com- so. More trouble in Sudan for other political goals. ing third and then slipping 10 points in South Korea’s elections the opinion polls for New Hampshire. Nick Clegg is new LibDem leader Clinton survives New Hampshire However, her teary eyed interview vote appeared to help her campaign, coming first on Tuesday’s poll. John Mc- Cain was the surprise winner on the Republican front after a summer of poor fundraising and little media attention. Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee are the other main contenders.

Detainees released

And finally, 3 British residents were freed in December after several years in custody at the notorious Guan- tanamo Bay detention camp on Cuba. Sudanese forces opened fire on a clear- Jamil el-Banna, Omar Deghayes and Alongside the controversial and trou- ly marked UN / African Union convoy Abdennour Sameur have been labelled The Liberal Democrats, the third larg- bled elections in Kenya and Pakistan, late on Monday night. “The secretary- extremely dangerous by US security est political party in the UK, elected a South Korea also ran elections for pres- general condemns this attack in the services, but they were not charged for new leader in December in the form of ident. The landslide victor, Lee Myung strongest possible terms,” a spokes- any specific crimes. Bana faces extra- Nick Clegg, winning by the smallest of Bak, a conservative and businessman person said on behalf of Ban Ki Moon. dition to Spain after authorities there margins in a tight race against Chris who once ran one of the country’s larg- The UN initiated a new peace keep- Democrats have begun the process of want him in connection with the Ma- Huhne. Many dismiss the LibDems’ est construction firms and who has ing mission at the beginning of 2008, choosing their candidate to stand in drid bombings of 2004. 14 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Culture & Arts Editors – Rosie Grayburn, Caz Knight and David Paw Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] Scientists don’t swear? Well we all know that ain’t true...

Caz Knight Carl Djerassi is a scientist like no other, bringing us the contraceptive pill and a whole Arts Editor host of plays to boot. Emily Steel had the privilege to meet him. Here’s how she got on appy New Year...although January is probably the least joyous of about his desire to portray the tribal His newest work, Four Jews on Parnas- all the months, espe- behaviour of scientists in his novels sus, is not intended as a play infact, H cially if one lives in the and plays, to represent it accurately, as but as a book written in dialogue. It’s British Isles and is an Imperial student only an insider can. He insists that we a form, he says, that was more or less with a shit load of coursework or ex- should not put scientists on pedestals, dropped in the seventeenth century ams. To all those burdened with ace- that “if you work in a white lab coat, but he wants to revive it. He shows demic worries, good luck to you all and you’re bound to get dirty”. He wants to me the manuscript, and tells me how fret not; if you managed to get into this teach this to his readers and audiences, it was rejected by a series of academ- fine institution in the first place, you to hide proper scientific details in an ic publishers because they said they shall do fine. Now, enough talk about entertaining work, to be, in his words, didn’t publish plays. “And I said, it isn’t the more depressing things in life and “an intellectual smuggler”. He is not a play!” It will be published by Colum- onto ART! I am feeling particularly op- ashamed of being didactic, and when bia University Press next year. timistic for 2008, having had my dose his writing style is criticised he de- We talk about his belief that only a of potenitally harmful UV rays and clares that he is willing to pay the price scientist can portray the behaviour of awe-inducing beautiful scenery when I of ‘bad’ writing in order to address scientists accurately. He is quite insist- went back to the city of my birth, Cape people who might otherwise know ent that this is the case, because one Town. Merely being in such an aesthet- nothing. When the talk is over and he must fully experience a culture before ically pleasing environment is enough steps down from the podium, like an one can write well about it. He tells me to while away the most azure of blues actor he looks smaller in the flesh. that in one of his first short stories the and if you can’t afford a ticket or the Some days later, I go round to see central character was a Carmelite nun. time, then try Google images followed him at his home in Maida Vale. We He managed to interview one, but he by a trip to the sunbed for that year- talk about a distinction he has made is sure that the story was full of sim- round tan. between science and the theatre. Sci- plifications and misrepresentations. I had any erudite urges satisfied with entific writing, he has said, is a mono- He talks about the time his first novel, the myriad of offerings, even from a logue. Playwriting allows him to work Cantor’s Dilemma, was optioned by miniscule part of such a diverse con- in dialogue. It also means a loss of a Hollywood studio. They wanted to tinent. And a continent it is. NOT a control. As Djerassi tells me, the sci- liven up the script by having scien- country, as one of my friends thought entist who publishes a paper has abso- tists swearing in the lab. Djerassi was it to be. I cringe upon hearing the ig- lute authorial power. A play is another horrified, not because he’s a prude, norant refer to Africa as if it were one matter. “I’ll write a play,” Djerassi says, but because scientists don’t do that. huge country rife with children with “and I’m happy with it and I’ll send it “The critic, or the audience, is not pre- swollen bellies and flies in their eyes, to theatres, and they will take it or not pared to accept that there is another lions and zebra prowling the streets take it, the way a publisher does and world, that behaviour is quite different and a permanent soundtrack of bongo that’s that. And of course, completely there.” Fortunately, the film was never drums resonating through the jungle wrong, that’s where the process starts.” produced. as said lions sleep. No, “Africa” is far Initially he was nervous and resentful, Djerassi’s concern is to tell the truth too diverse a place for one not to be but he came to enjoy it enormously. He about science, to reveal the true nature specific, when referring to it. likes working with directors. He likes of scientists. He is particularly proud Despite a horribly cliche and stupid- working with actors. And when your of his third play, Calculus, which deals ly misspelt name (evoking unwanted first play gets translated into thirteen with the controversy surrounding thoughts of the Afrikaans language), languages and is performed all over Newton’s claim to have discovered a show that must be seen is Afrika, the world, you can’t cling too tightly it (the other contender was Leibniz). Afrika, the magical circus adventure Emergency contraceptive pill advertisment....Thank you Carl Djerassi to what you think it ought to be. “You Newton, says Djerassi, “was a very from the amazing continent , which is have given birth to a baby,” he says, great scientist, but he was a terrible coming to the O2 arena in a few weeks. “and instead of being extraordinar- human being.” He thinks it’s impor- With a bit of luck I shall wrangle some here is a wall in Carl thing – it’s babies.” ily possessive about that baby, you are tant to discuss that, because horrible press tickets and have it all nicely re- Djerassi’s flat that is en- Carl Djerassi is best known for the pleased that you have given it your behaviour and good science are, unfor- viewed for you, complete with pictures, tirely covered with framed invention of the Pill. He began his genes, and you don’t mind if people tunately, not incompatible. His aim is in a later issue. posters from productions working life as a research chemist, and dress your baby up differently, and to humanise great scientists and great However, until then distract your- T of his plays. The posters in 1951 his team synthesised the first have it, I don’t know, sometimes stand thinkers. The theatre is, of course, the selves with these pages; procrastinate are in Portugese, German, Japanese oral contraceptive. He received the Na- on its head, because it shows what you perfect place to do so. with the excuse that you are furthering and Bulgarian. Djerassi likes them tional Medal of Science for that work, are able to do for them that the same By the time I leave, Djerassi has talked your artistic education as we bring you very much. They represent, for him, and the National Medal of Technology thing meant very different things to to me for a full hour. He has been in and plays, poets and one hell of an inno- the collaborative nature of the theatre, for his later work on insect control. He different people.” out of his chair, showing me posters, vator: Carl Djerassi, who destroys the the excitement of re-interpretation. He is currently an emeritus Professor of He tells me, however, that he also manuscripts, websites. He is eighty- stereotype of the culturally unaware points out some posters for the first Chemistry at Stanford University. In wants his plays to exist as books so that four years old, and he has more energy scientist confined to a lab. Here is a play he wrote, An Immaculate Mis- the last twenty years, however, he has they can be read, as a play can only be than I do. I rethink my idea of him as a man who embraces science and art and conception, about a form of in-vitro become a writer, first of fiction and produced every so often. He thinks the Prospero or a Lear. They both give up intertwines them. Besides, girls, if it fertilisation and the questions it raises more recently of plays. Interviewers ephemeral nature of the theatre can be their power. Carl Djerassi – scientist, were not for him, we would be without for reproduction and sexuality. The ti- regularly ask Djerassi about his scien- marvellous, but he is too ambitious as novelist, playwright – is in full posses- The Pill and Lord knows where we’d be tle, with its play on words, is difficult tific work. They rarely ask him about an author to accept that for his work. sion of his. by now! to translate into languages other than the theatre. And that, he says, is what I delve into the weird and wonderful English. In one, it has become ‘This he’s interested in now. world of William Blake, another man of sperm is mine’, in another, simply ‘Im- My first sight of Djerassi is at the many talents, who celebrated his 250th maculate’. Djerassi is pleased by this, Royal Society on 14th November, birthday in November. The poem of and pleased by the range of images. where he is giving a talk about the the week is officially a Christmas- “Look at this,” he says, of a poster of treatment of science in fiction and on themed one but has an optimistic feel, showing a woman in a pencil skirt, stage. When he gets up to the podium, which would help as we slog through “Singapore, which is a pretty conserva- there is something of the actor about this dreary month. And you can’t go tive place, [but] when you look at it, him. He has a headfull of white hair. wrong with Lord Alfred Tennyson. If you think, in some respects, it’s the His white beard comes to a neat point. you do find yourself reading this col- sexiest one, you know, sexy legs and He is wearing a long, brown jacket that umn, which I have taken great mirth stuff like this. What’s she doing? Well, looks, from a distance, almost like Eliz- is creating, please do let me/us know she’s standing in front of a dispenser. abethan costume. He would pass for a what you think. Until we meet again, Do you see what the dispenser is? You Shakespearean lord, a duke, a king – chins up for the week head! Mwah. think, oh, that it’s cigarettes or some- Prospero perhaps, even Lear. He talks Think of all the trouble these tiny pills have saved us from Friday 11 January 2008 felix 15 [email protected] Arts Thought provoking office banter Meera Ladwa experiences A Statement of Regret at the National Theatre and predicts a star in the making

fter the success of his offices of the Institute for Black Policy righteous or polemical, this play is an the audience’s involvement suffers as a bala (Idrissa) in particular is excellent, previous works, Elmina’s Research, led by the blundering, larger- interesting exploration of how a com- result. and the dialogue has plenty of wit and Kitchen and Fix Up, up- than-life figure of Kwaku Mackenzie (a munity deals with perceived victimi- Kwaku’s King Lear-like mental dis- humour. Kwame Kwei-Armah clearly and-coming playwright convincing Don Warrington). Work- sation. Whatever your own personal integration does not quite achieve the has lots to say - this lively and sparky A Kwame Kwei-Armah ing to improve the situation and rep- views, the tightly written script is sure emotional resonance it aims for, and we production means that his future work turns his sharp eye on the bitterness resentation of black people in the UK, to provoke debate. Yet in seeking to never feel enough sympathy towards will be awaited with interest. and resentment that divides communi- the team’s fragile harmony is shattered pack in so many big ideas, the charac- him for this to be a truly great drama. Statement of Regret runs until Feb- ties from each other in modern Britain. by the arrival of a new intern. ters inevitably become ciphers for vari- Nevertheless, the acting from Colin ruary 6th 2008, Cotteslowe Theatre at Statement of Regret is set in the shiny Managing to avoid being either self- ous political and social viewpoints and McFarlane (Michael) and Chu Omam- the National Theatre, Southbank.

Don Warrington plays a convincing Kwaku Mackenzie Life’s a hoot in the office of the Institute for Black Policy Audience taken on a trip to Troy Emily Steel perseveres despite the flu but is disappointed with what the Greeks have captured

Arts [email protected] Happy 250th Birthday Bill Blakey Caz Knight is treated to a soiree of stand-up poetry, famous authors and the oeuvres of her favourite poet, William Blake, in an enchanting talk celebrating his life, works and all in the Mech Eng Building

ecture theatre 220 in the Mechanical Engineering Building – not the first place one would think of to hold L an event of poetry and art in commemoration of William Blake’s 250th birthday, given Blake’s prolific contribution to Britain’s artistic reser- voir. Blake was a true Londoner, born on 28th November 1757; he lived only four years away from the confines of the city and in his lifetime gave us a host of vivid poems and magnificent paintings, as well as his engravings. We were treated to a sample of Blake’s powerful paintings in the form of a slide show throughout the talks. It is clear from the solid and muscular characters in “See Mr and Mrs Blake re-enacting Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden” the paintings that Blake was influenced by his time spent drawing the statues in Westminster Abbey. “Dark, satanic” springs to mind upon looking at some of the paintings and it is hard not to think of Hieronymus Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights. However, his work has an escapist, fantastical feel to it and Mr William Blake himself The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed with the Sun (1805) many of his works incorporate scenes of a more uplifting nature. Artist, poet, engraver and prophet, he is highly and performances from notable au- mock inspiration and vision” – two been for these attributes, his original- –Is Imperial College, scientific leader, lauded today, achieving the fame and thors, poets and actors. Poet in the City things which Blake thought of as his ity and his vibrant imagination, per- an appropriate place to hold such an following he deserves only after his is a charity striving to bring poetry to elements: “his eternal dwelling place”. haps we would not have been blessed event? Blake, it seemed, was not en- death. new audiences as well as raising money He was also opposed to the “single with such an array of talent and beauty. tirely adverse to our discipline. New- Hosted by Poet in the City and The to support poetry education. The char- vision” of scientific materialism. The Rather like Poet in the City, Blake was ton’s ‘particles of light’ are referred to Blake Society, the evening was a de- ity’s chairman introduced the talk with poet certainly was a character. Suffer- extremely keen to bring poetry to the as ‘sands upon Israel’s shore’ in Mock lightful event where one was given an some of Blake’s own thoughts on the ing from numerous nervous disorders, forefront of the arts. on, mock on, Voltaire, Rousseau, read insight into the character, life, poetry matter of science versus art. At first he was ever the contrarian in many Tim Heath, chairman of the Blake with great energy by Peter Forbes who and paintings of William Blake as well glance it seemed that Blake regarded things he did and would have shocked Society, echoed the thoughts which initiated the evening with a reading as being treated to enlightening talks scientists with a slight disdain, “They many with his radical views. Had it not would have been in the minds of many of And Did Those Feet which did the

The Ancient of Days (God as an Architect) by William Blake (1794) Death on a Pale Horse (1800) Friday 11 January 2008 felix 17 [email protected] Arts Optimistic poetry to start ‘08

ord Alfred Tennyson, born solve to do for 2008. Look no further 1809 in Lincolnshire, is one than the poem and heed Lord Alfred’s of Britain best loved poets advice. ‘Ring out with the old and in and is the most quoted one, with the new; ring in the true.’ Indeed, L after Shakespeare. Not only truth and honesty are important and was he a Poet Laureate, but he was a two faced-ness should be avoided at all descendant of King Edward the Third. costs. Although that may not be looked on as ‘Ring out the grief!’ I know its cold a good thing given the rising amount and miserable, but come on Britain of anti-monarchal feeling in this coun- has always been like this- so stop com- try. One of his more famous quota- plaining and imagine yourself some- tions is one which anyone who has suf- where else! fered heartbreak will have heard- “Tis Lord Alfred also offers some po- better to have loved and lost, than to litically and socially applicable advice; never have loved at all.” Whether this is ‘ring out the feud of rich and poor.’ true or not, I shall leave you to discuss Class difference is a terrible thing, amongst yourselves. although I think at Imperial we are a Tennyson wrote this poem in 1850 good example of integrated diversity. and although it may be a Christmas- Gordon Brown take note! themed poem, it certainly has a ca- ‘Ring out war, ring in peace’... world thartic, ‘New year’-sy feel to it as well. peace, a great notion but will it ever The prospect of New Year’s resolutions happen? Let us hope so. is always a daunting one, especially If this poem has done little to lift your when our heads are also swamped with spirits, then console yourself with the coursework and exams. Or maybe you knowledge that you have indulged in have no clue as to what you will re- some great English Literature. Hmmm

Left, The Ghost of a Flea (1819). Right, Jacob’s Ladder (1800) poem every justice. Forbes is current- Marks of weakness, marks of woe”). taken on the role of himself as if he Ring out, Wild Bells ly on tour with the play Blackwatch The next speaker, epic poet Aidan were Blake’s friend. That is the beauty which has received much acclaim after Andrew Dun, I had never heard of but of Art – completely open to interpre- appearing at the Edinburgh Festival in I bought a book of his poetry, attracted tation, one can let the mind run free, Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky, Summer 2006. largely by its enticing name – Salvia there are no right or wrong answers, The flying cloud, the frosty light; Tracy Chevalier is most famous for Divinorum. What I found in it was it can be what you want it to be. It is The year is dying in the night; her novel Girl With A Pearl Earring, beautiful poetry, powerful and vivid hard to put into words the nature of his but her latest book (Burning Bright) and not completely different to Blake’s stunning performance, it is in a genre Ring out, wild bells, and let him die. is set in Blake’s London and is the in some ways. Creating his own per- all of its own (“stand up poetry” per- story told through the eyes of Blake’s ception of Blake’s London, he did not haps) and goes beyond the realms of neighbour, who would have been very so much as speak but bring his poem to traditional acting. Ring out the old, ring in the new, shocked indeed if he had looked over life, echoing many themes and images As well as his skill in realising his dia- Ring, happy bells, across the snow; the garden fence to see Mr. and Mrs. from across Blake’s poetic repertoire, logue, he exhibits an insight into Blake Blake re-enacting Adam and Eve in beginning with the opening lines of and his poetry which makes it all the The year is going, let him go; their own “Garden of Eden”! Chevalier Blake’s London. His performance was more special. Similar to Dun, he echoes Ring out the false, ring in the true. spent a year researching the eccentric captivating and meaningful; to best de- images and themes from Blake’s poems Blake before writing a word and so was scribe him I shall appropriate a phrase as well as interjecting a bit of random- very well informed in giving us nine used by another: “dub troubadour”. ness (sound effects and Spanish). Ring out the grief that saps the mind, other interesting and important facts David J, a “poetic pugilist”, who is one The talk, sadly, had to come to an about the poet’s life which would have of country’s most talented and notori- end and what better way to finish than For those that here we see no more, had a marked effect on his work. Her ous performance poets, treated us to with The Tiger. It is a shame that there Ring out the feud of rich and poor, fascinating and well presented speech more performance poetry. At first it seems to be a slight divide between the was followed by a reading of Blake’s is unclear which character David J had arts and the sciences; they are linked in Ring in redress to all mankind. London; judging by his depiction of the taken on − Blake’s neighbour? Blake’s so many instances. As Blake said, “Art 19th century capital some things have brain? Half-way through his perform- and science cannot exist but with na- not changed! (“…in every face I meet / ance I thought that David might have ked beauty displayed.” Ring out a slowly dying cause, And ancient forms of party strife; Ring in the nobler modes of life, With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care the sin, The faithless coldness of the times; Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes, But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood, The civic slander and the spite; Ring in the love of truth and right, Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease, Ring out the narrowing lust of gold; Ring out the thousand wars of old, Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free, The larger heart, the kindlier hand; Ring out the darkness of the land, Ring in the Christ that is to be.

by Alfred Tennyson

William Blake’s depiction of Newton Photograph by Sally Longstaff

The undefeated Imperial College Mixed Lacrosse Team

A message from our participants: “Remember: cradle your balls and wear protection!”

[email protected] Friday 11 January 2008 felix 19 [email protected] Arts Thought provoking office banter Meera Ladwa experiences A Statement of Regret at the National Theatre and predicts a star in the making

he National’s production of Women of Troy got five stars in The Independent. Time Out made it ‘Critic’s T Choice’. I tell you this because the night I went to see it, I had flu and was dosed up to the eyeballs on Lemsip Max, which means it’s possible (although unlikely) that my judgement was impaired. I tell you this because I am about to call it pretentious rubbish. The original play by Euripides is the shocking and powerful story of the women who are enslaved when the Greeks conquer Troy. It sees Hecu- ba, the queen of Troy, taken with her daughters and her gentlewomen as Didn’t they teach you anything at Drama school: gorgeous dresses don’t make good theatre! spoils of war, to be shared out among the Greek victors. Most horrifically, it features Andromache, Hecuba’s and a big metal door leads out to the a queen whose throne has lately been ing. I blame the director for choosing ity seem to have slipped through the daughter-in-law and the wife of Hector, ships. The warehouse is stark, dismal stolen from her. A queen doesn’t need style over substance, for repeatedly net. Michael Gould, who plays Talt- handing over her baby son so that the and cold. The women imprisoned to boom and rave. inserting useless and annoying inter- hybius, the Greek guard who tells Greeks can throw him from the battle- there wear elegant evening dresses. These women fail to go on any kind ludes in which the women dance. I Andromache that if she gives up her ments. If she resists, the child will be They swish, they sparkle. They are very of emotional journey. They start out at blame the director for the bad details child willingly she might be allowed to taken by force, and the women will not clearly out of place, snatched from the a high pitch of hysteria and they stay - the ladder at the side of the stage that bury him, manages against the odds to be allowed to bury him. She gives him world they know and thrown into this there. At one point, Hecuba declares goes precisely nowhere when one of speak awful words with kindness. For up, and at the end of the play the baby’s one. It’s a point that’s made as soon as “There is no agony we don’t already the women scampers up it, the sound- an instant the play is moving, and that body is brought to Hecuba so she may the curtain is raised, and the remaining feel, no abyss of pain to discover.” And ing of the ships’ horns as they leave instant only serves to throw the rest of dress it for the grave. eighty minutes add very little to it. this is the problem. Lack of discovery port all of three seconds after a woman it into relief. It’s fairly difficult to make a story like The characterisations of the women makes for dull storytelling. We ought has been led out to be taken on board. When the curtain came down, I was that unmoving, but this production are jarring. They twitch and galumph to see them plumbing new depths, When Andromache tells Hecuba her surprised to hear some of the audience manages it. Directed by Katie Mitchell, about the stage. They give no sense particularly Hecuba, finally presented daughter Polyxena has been killed, she around me whoop. Perhaps they were from a version of the play by Don Tay- that they are noblewomen, in their with her dead grandson. But we do not. brings Polyxena’s shoes in plastic bag cheering because it was over. Other- lor, this Women of Troy is all gimmicks deportment or in their speech. Even Which isn’t just inhuman; it’s boring. from Costcutter. It’s meant, I imagine, wise, I will have to assume they were and no heart. Hecuba, played by Kate Duchene, only I don’t blame the actors. I blame the to be tragic. It just looks stupid. And on better drugs than I was. The play is set in a dockside ware- conveys her authority by booming and director. I blame the director for hav- worse, it’s funny. Women of Troy runs until 27th Feb- house. You hear the noise of seagulls, raving, and as such is unconvincing as ing them speak the text without feel- A few simple moments of human- ruary 2008. unionpage Welcome Back! Funding Secured for Student Juries If jumping out of refurbishing the Union! Student Juries are part of a new planes isn’t really your thing but you Last term fi nished with some very government initiative to listen to students would still like good news for our Union. Last term and make sure that their voice is heard at to get involved tI submitted a revised bid for funds to the heart of government. It is a chance then you might the College so that we could proceed for ordinary students to feed in their be interested in with the second stage of the Beit personal experiences of University life Stephen Brown the Take Action Redevelopment project and this bid to policy makers. If you are interested in cycling events President was approved to the tune of £1.93m. applying send me an email and I will pass which aim to raise [email protected] The focal point of this project will be on a copy of the application form; or look money for medical care and research the installation of a mezzanine in what out for further details in the next Union facilities for sick and vulnerable babies. is currently the Union gym which will email. It will only involve one afternoon This talk will be given at 12.30pm next be the home of a brand new Student of your time and if selected you have the Friday, again in Huxley 340. Activities Centre. The statistics show you opportunity of winning £75 in addition to be the most active student body in the to the benefi t of having Imperial College country when it comes to participating London represented at this event. Imperial as One in Clubs and Societies, which is why Following a successful launch last year, we are delighted that we now have the RAG Imperial As One is pleased funds in place to give your facilities a RAG is the Union’s charitable outlet to announce the second running of a Student much needed upgrade. and next week they are hosting two Forum. Targeted introductory events for those of you who audiences are particularly Black and Minority Ethnic (BME) students, The work is initially scheduled to be are interested in doing some fund raising. including Chinese and Southern Asians, completed by January 2009 so this will The fi rst one, RAG Jump will be held at who form the largest groups of international be of benefi t to all non-fi nalists, whilst 12.30pm in Huxley 340 on Monday 14th students. The forum takes place Wednesday continuing to show Imperial College January where you can fi nd out about 20 January, 14:00 - 16:45; UG Lecture Union’s commitment to its UK leading raising money for an ICT project in Kenya Theatre, Tanaka. Visit www3.imperial.ac.uk/ student activities programme. by going skydiving! hr/equality/race/imperialasone for more information. A Busy Term in Campaigns Fairtrade Fortnight Green Week has just got bigger and Healthy Living Week Artsfest 25 February - 9 March better than ever! As part of a national 10 - 14 March 11- 15 campaign by People and Planet, Unions To celebrate our recent achievement across the country will be taking action February of Fairtrade University Status we will Healthy Living Week is an exciting new to encourage recycling, energy saving Artsfest is an be organising a fortnight of events to collaboration between Imperial College and sustainability on campus and in the annual celebration promote ethical consumerism. You Union, Sports Imperial, Catering and the wider community. of the audio and will have the chance to try something Health Centre. The aim is to bring you visual arts at new from our wide range of Fairtrade a fun and educational week of Lifestyle Kirsty Patterson At Imperial we will be launching a new Imperial. Societies Products available on Imperial’s Campus Advice, Healthy Living initiatives and recycling strategy throughout the South forming the Arts Deputy President from Coffee and Chocolate to T-shirts ultimately make it easier for you to get Kensington Campus. This will make it and Ents Board (Clubs & Societies) and Hoodies. Prepare to be amazed the most out of life at Imperial. easier to guarantee that our efforts to (and a few of [email protected] at the endless possibilities as we road recycle paper, card, plastic, glass and their more ‘active’ test exciting products such as footballs, Watch out for activities around campus metal are not going to waste. counterparts in the RCC) take part in a bananas or steaming mugs of hot to encourage you to get active as well number of exhibitions, demonstrations, chocolate. as some simple steps to incorporate The Green Fayre on Tuesday 19th will gigs and concerts to entertain fellow into your daily routine. There will be be our biggest event with a plethora of students and staff at the South Turning toward the bigger picture healthy eating promotions and dietary environmentally friendly products on Kensington Campus. Expect to hear Imperial College Union has teemed information available as well as general sale. Imperial College Union will also sweet music on and around campus up with fellow Fairtrade Unions, Kings wellbeing advice and tips for a healthier be looking for support in improving during lunch, see dancing in the streets College London Students’ Union and lifestyle. our ‘Green League’ Ranking which is and watch out for some great examples London School of Economics Students’ published by People and Planet in the of fi ne art and photography all produced Union, to lobby Westminster Council to For more information and to get involved Times Higher Education Supplement. by Imperial College Students. Don’t support Fairtrade in our local Borough. contact Kirsty Patterson, Deputy We are currently ranked 60th out of 100 forget to attend the great charity concert As part of the London Fairtrade City President (Education and Welfare). institutions that took part in the League on Wednesday to raise money for this Campaign, only three more Boroughs Table. years chosen charity, let down your hair are required to meet the criteria of RAG Week with some classic jazz on Valentine’s Day the Fairtrade Foundation to become a To fi nd out more about making our at the Union or be dazzled by the variety Fairtrade City! 1 - 9 March Campus Greener contact Hannah of entertainment and skills on display at

Theodorou or Laurence Fahrni, Green the un-missable Finale Concert on Friday Find out how you can help during RAG (Raising and Giving) Week is Week Co-ordinators. 15th February in the Great Hall! Fairtrade Fortnight or by contacting Imperial’s longest running campaign week. RAG Week raises money for Kirsty Patterson, Deputy President For more information about Artsfest (Education and Welfare). a range of charities through fun and original fund-raising ideas. contact Andrew Tan, Artsfest 2008 Coordinator. Go Green Week For more information contact Karandeep 19 - 22 February Dhanoa, RAG Chair for more information.

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 Friday 11 January 2008 felix 21

Travel Travel Editors – Ahran Arnold and Nadine Richards [email protected] Strange and Svarmod: it’s Sweden

Nadine Richards The problem with Sweden is that it has Travel Editor the population almost the equivalent to that of London, about 9 million people, The Xenophobe’s Guide to the Swedes but this is spread throughout an area states that ‘a common trait among infinitely larger. Therefore, Malmo Swedish people is a deeply felt svår- is more reminiscent in stature of Sid- mod, a dark melancholy born out of cup in Kent than Liverpool, which is long winters, high taxes, and a sense England’s equivalent as the third larg- of being stuck out on a geo-political est city. Which may be good thing to and socio-economic limb. They brood be honest, depending on your affinity a lot over the meaning of life in a self- for chavs. Sightseeing in Malmo will absorbed sort of way without ever ar- bring you the exciting pleasures of The riving at satisfactory answers.’ City Hall, Lilla Torg (the main square), I have been to Sweden twice, and I Folkets Park, Western Harbor, the City could tell you all about what there is Library, and its most famous attraction to see in Malmo and Lund, and how – the Turning Torso. No, this is not a they have a nice town hall and so forth display of a Viking being turned con- but I think a far more interesting arti- stantly at a stake – the Turning Torso cle would be to justify the statement is a twisted skyscraper where the up- from the Xenophobe’s Guide, and to permost floor is at 90 degrees to the spread the word about the oddities of ground. Engineers of Imperial- go the Swedes and Sweden. But, as this crazy! is the travel section, allow me to write So, yes, we have established that Swe- a few words about Malmo so that you den is indeed isolated and I would like cannot complain that I have not done to suggest the hypothesis that oddities my duty. seem to develop in people who do not Malmo is the third largest city in have enough human contact. Just take Sweden. Let me just warn you that the a look at the Welsh. way Sweden is squished at the top of Politically, the country just gets the World Map makes it seem decep- weirder. They say that Sweden is a so- tively small, when it is actually the third cialistic utopia. They also say that all largest country in Europe – if you were Swedish people are born free but get to travel the same distance Sweden taxed to death. In Sweden, taxes are The hills are aliiiive, with the Sound of Muuuusic... No wait, that was Austria stretches from its most northern tip generally 50-70% of your income (of to the most southern, you would end course, your employer already pays up in Rome! (I would therefore recom- the full amount of your salary to the process of filling out tax forms easy; as sion is no exaggeration. In fact, re- Sweden to the English representing mend travelling southwards). Con- government in taxes before you even of 2004 you can pay your Swedish taxes cycling is taken so seriously that one England. Certainly, the Swedes I have sidering that Sweden has such a large get anything), so we really should stop by sending an SMS message from your company (FTI) has been trying to put met have been rather odd - or a self- area, I would have expected Malmo to complaining about the 17.5% VAT here mobile phone. If this is too much has- up video cameras to make sure people confessed “very unique” as one friend be a busy, bustling, metropolitan city. in the UK. At least they have made the sle, then try an alternative system- the sort their recyclables correctly. Now put it. On that note, I leave you with government sends out a completely recycling is all very well, but it is also the tale of Pippi Longstocking, which filled-in tax form and if it looks good, quite a time-consuming process when is not all that relevant; except that this you can just go online and click ‘okay’ there are 39 different types of bins in is the only Swedish cultural reference I to pay your taxes. which to sort out every type of mate- can point you in the direction of with This begs the question, to what good rial you own. Thankfully, the ‘pant’ the exception of Abba. Longstock- cause do these earnestly paid taxes go system is employed in Sweden, where ing is a freckled brat with intractable towards? Well, Sweden boasts many one is compensated for your time by braids and is also Sweden’s biggest lit- bonuses that you could not receive receiving money as a reward for recy- erary hit. With nobody to supervise here. For example, you can take sick cling cans and bottles. I have, however, her, she leads a life of carefree, barefoot leave during your vacation if you are ill. heard that recycled toilet paper can be abandon, breaking every rule possible. In addition, all employees get 5 weeks an unpleasant experience: not quite She is therefore the opposite represen- of paid vacation a year (which explains Charmin, but more reminiscent of us- tation to a society governed by very why for such a small population, there ing cardboard. particular conventions. I like to think are always Swedes to be met abroad), Perhaps all this might explain why that every Swedish person has a Pippi and most appealing of all is that, as I have never encountered a normal within them longing to break free, but of 2004, all employers are required to Swedish person. This might be an un- the pressures of social convention force provide a free massage. fair judgement considering that I have them to restrain themselves. Repres- The Swedes are also the most en- not met loads of Swedes, but with the sion is not always healthy, and so re- vironmentally-friendly people in the population of Sweden being equivalent sults in their strange behaviour, along world. And with all that gloriously to that of London, I’d like to think that with the accompanying gloomy sense green land spare to look after, why this judgement is well founded on the of svarmod that they are not allowed shouldn’t they be? Taxes are therefore grounds that thinking in terms of pro- to release their inner Pippi’s (except put to use to help maintain the Swed- portion, I have met an (almost) equiva- to PeePee). Well, that’s just my theory Pippi Longstocking’s influences have spred far and wide ish obsession with recycling. Obses- lent number of Swedes representing anyway. Travels without my Aunt – part six: A journey to Epping

Theo Georgeiou Delisle “Where did you go?” that you cannot get lost in the forest, Epping Forest when you see an oak powerful forces at work within the “You took too long, Sir, I’m afraid, the as I have, twice. Some might say that tree, and you are also standing in Ep- depths of Epping Forest – a man made “Ring ring, ring ring,” package will be returned to your local I couldn’t see the wood for the trees ping Forest” arises. It is not the trees of mud, some murmur under hushed, “Hello?” Post Office delivery depot.” but it was more of a case of not being however that contrive to spoil the wild, breathless gasps. The Mudman of the “Hello, Sir,” “What?” able to see the trees for the driving hail rugged, wilderness of Epping Forest, it Bush is said to act in order to preserve “Ah, hello,” “You can collect it in 5-7 days, and lack of available light source at the is the people who visit it. Specifically, the forest for future generations and “I have your package outside for you, depending.” time. I wish to highlight the younger tree awakens only when hoodies enter the Sir, just pop downstairs and open the “Depending on what?” Perhaps the best way to enjoy the full dwelling communities who believe that hallowed moonlit clearings and mess door and I can give it to you.” “Just depending, goodbye Sir.” grandeur of Epping Forest is to pack Friday night was solely designed for it up. Local villagers now look to the “Oh, that is good, the package I have Now I have got that off my chest it a light lunch, grab your best walking accompanying a large bottle of extra fabled mud-man, who calls out “I am been waiting for, for all this time, and is time to go down to the woods, Ep- boots and head off into the unknown. strong cider on a date into the bowels Mudman not Beowulf!” at midnight now it’s here!” ping Forest to be precise, where there Unless of course if you know where of the undergrowth. The aftermath of every other Thursday, in hope that he “You understand the situation per- may or may not be a surprise waiting you are going, in which case just follow these drink-fuelled excursions leaves might rid them of the plague of youths fectly, Sir.” for you. the path that you usually use and you whole patches of the forest bare, where who blight their lives. The police, how- “Ok, I’m coming down to answer the The forest once sprawled across have nothing to fear. It would be true to a combination of lighter fuel, fire and ever, consider Mudman to be more of door then.” much of the South-east of England but say that the forest is abundant in trees, regret consumes all plant forms in a a rapist hiding in the woods. Only Ep- “Very good, Sir.” now has been tamed and beaten back specifically oak trees, from which the ten-metre radius. ping Forrest knows the truth, and that “….” into submission. That is not to say popular saying “You know you are in It is said, however, that there are dark is that Mudman is indeed a rapist. 22 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Fashion Fashion Editor – Sarah Skeete [email protected] Another year, another look Daniel Wan envisages what trends are going to be big, and which bad, this new year COOL

veryone at the Felix has just have a slight schoolboy charm about about recovered from New them. Sadly, you’re probably going to Year, dragged themselves have to wait till May at the very earliest down into the office, and are not to look like a complete lunatic in E now groggily typing out the near sub-zero temperatures. first issue of 2008. Exam period is upon My pick of the new concepts for all at Imperial, and our beloved Sarah 2008 though, is the shawl collar on has sacrificed Felix Fashion for the sake men’s blazers. The casual blazer will of her degree. The cheek! Being a first be transformed with new lapels usually year (and a Biologist), I’ll be stepping found on a classic tuxedo jacket. A fit- in for the next few weeks. However, ted grey suit with a glossy black shawl Sarah will be back once she’s finished collar, black fitted shirt and skinny tie scrawling maths equations onto bits of is the look to go for this year. Nowhere paper in silence. to put your Poppy come Remembrance When a new year comes round, every Day though. publication across the globe puts out Finally, we get to the shiny stuff. Brass the obligatory “What’s In and What’s buttons are making their way back. I Out” feature for the upcoming year. have a feeling a degree of naval fash- You’ll be glad to know I’m going to do ion will appear this year. Don’t worry January Sales something different this time; “What’s though, we won’t all be walking around You’ve hit the post-Christmas Out and What’s In” for 2008. looking like sailors, stripes and all, but sales hard, and your bank The Spring 2008 collections bring solid brass buttons, possibly on a dou- balance is now comfortably in up nothing that you’d run to the shops ble breasted navy blue jacket, could be the red. Your new top and skirt for the moment you read this, but the the new look for pseudo-formal men’s were both 50% off, and you “Outs” of this year are ones I personal- wear. look stunning in them; your ly wholly agree with. Astrobright Foot- Women’s accessory-wise, chunky overdraft is there for a reason. wear have had far too long in the spot- jewellery takes the lead over subtle and I love the sales! light during 2007. If you’re not familiar New for 2008: Vivid print dresses are the new must-have, whilst shawl dainty jewellery. Larger bracelet bands with the brand, they are responsible collars on men’s formalwear makes a suitable change. Geddit? and earrings, with care, can finish your for the ground-laden eyesores that are outfit and leave everyone breathless. “Crocs”. This year, no more should we Word on the street, if you count see B-list celebrities prancing around in proven. means print dresses are definitely in, finding stray pages from Vogue littered these fluorescent slipper-welly things, With what you’ve got on your feet on especially featuring flowers or abstract across Exhibition Road, is that stars are trying to gain some quirky recognition your mind, you might want to avoid prints. A hint of holiday-in-the-Carib- going to be very much part of the aes- that they couldn’t get without wear- the other ‘no-no’ of 2008; logos and bean might well brighten up London’s thetic of 2008. Star-shaped accessories ing ridiculous footwear. To be honest, labels. Showing off what you’re wear- cold winter evenings. Nevertheless, will make an appearance on the high I’m not sure Crocs were even ‘in’. They ing is not acceptable this year, which this isn’t an excuse to go out dressed as street. A mix of 2008 vibrancy and this have nothing going for them. “They’re is great news for Primark fanatics and a nu-rave Hadouken! fan anymore. new motif should cut a sharp image. comfortable” I hear you scream. When bad for high-end clothes labels. Men, prepare to getting used to look- Prada’s range of suede watches add has being fashionable ever mean being 2008 may bring subtlety in branding, ing a little bit silly this year. Cropped another aspect of colour to the new comfortable? “But they’re so versatile!” but not in colour. It’s all about dashes trousers are set to be completely raped season. With a range of assorted child- you sob in desperation. Do they look of vibrancy in your wear; whether it and ruined by Topman, so get in early like colours, and at £125 each, these good with formal wear? No. Do they be a bright but solid jumper and tie and let those ankles freeze in British could make a perfect New Year’s treat. look good with casual wear? No. Do underneath your otherwise dull grey mid-winter. They are slightly longer You definitely deserve one after all that they look good when you’re naked? work-suit, or pair of vivid jazz shoes than three-quarter lengths, and when revising (procrasinating, giving up and Urban Outfitters UK No, unless you’re Heidi Klum. Point with your usual casual wear. Vibrancy worn with a pair of smart leather shoes going out) you did over Christmas. After a visit to the US, the UK’s plain and preppy men’s section stands limp beside its American counterpart. There’s a serious lack of real standout style for the price OUT IN you’re paying at Urban Outfit- ters UK. Screw Oxford Street, head over to 42nd Street, Manhattan.

Amy Winehouse We get it, you’re off your face, and your husband’s in jail, you’re rock-and-roll; Go you! Her ever-enlarging beehive monstrosity is so 2007. If she spent the time grooming herself in rehab, she might actually be famous for more than being a complete wreck. Make use of 2008, love. LAME

In the sales bin: (Clockwise from top left) Astrobright’s Crocs, pseudo- Great for two thousand and eight: (Clockwise from left) Cropped formal waistcoat and ties, and blatant Abercrombie & Fitch style trousers come coupled with slender bare ankles, wonderfully bright branding. shoes, plus stars, stars and more stars... Friday 11 January 2008 felix 23

Film Film Editor – Alex Casey [email protected] Lust goes limp towards end Ang Lee’s tale of Chinese resistance fighters peaks long before its climax

Lust, Caution ★★★✫✫ Alex Casey Director: Ang Lee Film Editor Writer: James Schamus Cast: Tony Leung Chiu Wai Wei Tang ou can see them on the Joan Chen starting line now: The Coen brothers jostling each other in the mid- Alex Casey Y dle; Julie Christie on the inside track; Keira Knightley pouting Ang Lee is as capable of whipping up while perched side-saddle; and Daniel media attention as he is at defying Day Lewis over the final fence before typecasting himself as a genre director. the starting whistle’s even been blown. From period dramas to oriental mar- Alas, if only the awards season was tial arts, from gay cowboys to, erm, the over as quickly as the Grand National. Incredible Hulk, Lee has constantly This year it seems that, once again, defied expectations with his film a race that was initially as wide open choices. But in terms of sheer pub- as Britney Spears’ legs on exiting a taxi licity, there is always something that has started to narrow, reducing the fun brings his films to the fore. Whether for all concerned. Julie Christie will no it be the purely enchanting cinema- doubt fill the shoes of Helen Mirren’s tography of Crouching Tiger, Hidden sweep last year for little seen Alzhe- Dragon or Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath imer’s flick Away From Her (although Ledger sharing more than just a tent in Christie is less likely to do so in what Brokeback Mountain, there’s always a Mirren referred to as her ‘stripper good press hook he can tap into. Here, shoes’ to appear taller) while Daniel it’s just some graphic sex. Day-Lewis has earned rave reviews and Perhaps the anticipation of Lust, good odds for There Will Be Blood. Caution was just too great. It won the Ang on a sec Sure, this isn’t exactly going to be a Golden Lion at Venice last year ahead Titanic-esque open book as far as Best of Atonement, The Assassination of Picture or Director go, but gone are the Jesse James and I’m Not There, but has in that it is low on the one thing that For all the controversy it has caused filmmaking, at least for a mainstream days when Halle Berry had to fight real failed to maintain the momentum that made Hitchcock so popular - suspense. (Lee has refused to cut it to gain a film, that Lee has brought to the fore competition from Sissy Spacek, Judi Brokeback did after winning the same The story of a group of young Chinese lower certificate in the US), the sex in here. Dench and Nicole Kidman to clutch prize two years previously. The festi- resistance fighters targeting a trai- Lust, Caution is used to far greater ef- The rest, however, doesn’t quite have the coveted Oscar statuette. Now it val took place in late August and early tor during the early years of the Japa- fect than most films where disrobing the same intensity. For a filmmaker only works if you have every other ma- September, meaning that four months nese occupation certainly gets off to a is said to be purely for “artistic pur- renowned for his ability portray raw jor award behind it in the cabinet. down the line, the sparks had started promising start. An interesting bunch poses” but is really just a way to get in emotion, the black and white charac- The supporting categories seem to be to die. of characters, they seem to each have a some teenage boys. The contrasting ters here only rarely give in to grey. where the real competition lies these Lust is not a bad film; it simply fails to story to follow, yet this is ejected in ex- sex scenes throughout (of which there This is more of a visual feast than a days (unless you were Rachel Weisz or maximise on its potential. Its common change for the main story, the wooing aren’t THAT many) lend real emotion- philosophical or intellectual one, but a Jennifer Hudson). The rumour of Ed- description as a Hitchcockian thriller, of said target by Wong Chia Chi (Wei al power to the relationships in the film treat that grows old long before it ends. die Murphy storming out of the Ko- the death knell of many films, is ironic Tang). and possibly the most original piece of Sounds a lot like lust. dak Theatre last year after Alan Arkin was named Best Supporting Actor by the Academy for Little Miss Sunshine brought a particularly large smile to my face at a time when Leicester Square was being overshadowed by gigantic He may not be there, but he oozes through every frame Norbit posters with Murphy in his fat suit. This year we’d set our money on goes and I can imagine it was a great Casey Affleck (Jesse James) and Cate I’m Not There ★★★★✫ coup for her to be offered the role of Blanchett (I’m Not There, see right) to “Jude Quinn” (i.e. Dylan in a drug- do well here, although both are liable Director: Todd Haynes infused swinging London). It certainly for upset. Writer: Todd Haynes, seems to be a great achievement for The award for Best Foreign Film Oren Moverman Haynes who expands her part greatly Cast: Cate Blanchett, is more difficult as each ceremony Christian Bale, while a few of the others are reduced - has different rules for entry. For the Heath Ledger significantly and regrettably. Blanchett Globes, it just has to be non-English is convincing and nuanced but the language; for the Oscars, it has stupid stunt casting detracts from the mate- restrictions about international collab- Alex Casey rial at hand. orations that often squeeze out worthy The awards buzz for I’m Not There entrants. Cannes supremo 4 Months, 3 Could this be the most heavily pub- seems to focus entirely on her per- Weeks, 2 Days is an early frontrunner licised arthouse film ever? Sweeping formance, an unfortunate occurrence although the Palme D’Or isn’t always a statements aside, Todd Haynes’ Bob as the film itself is far more interest- selling point for the Academy who feel Dylan-inspired movie I’m Not There ing than the derivative trite that has Cannes has a habit of mocking the stu- has gathered astonishing publicity giv- perpetuated most shortlists so far. It dios. You think? The Diving Bell and en its limited release. Why? Because is undoubtedly arthouse, with cinema- the Butterfly could overtake on the fi- Cate Blanchett plays the man himself. tography deeply influenced by the likes nal stretch here. And so does Christian Bale. And Heath of Italian master Federico Fellini, but As for the Best Picture race, it’s pret- Ledger. And a few others. the sheer beauty of the picture doesn’t ty open. The Globes have increased The casting puts six actors into the detract from the artistic debate that in- Drama nominations from five to seven shoes of Dylan at different stages of his fused both the picture and Dylan’s life. strangely, but No Country For Old Men life, each with a different name, and in- To make a film in the most simplistic would be my (unseen) bet. Squeeze out tercuts them throughout the film in a sense of this most complex man would second rate rubbish like Atonement, multilayered tapestry of 60s rebellion, have been a disservice to his genius. Michael Clayton and American Gang- disillusionment and artistic expression. Haynes has created an ode in I’m Not ster and the Coens could even get Best With each sector having a completely There, not always complementary (as Director. It could however, just be an- distinct feel, Haynes is emphatic in his would be expected from his glam rock other decline in form for the brothers, appraisal of all the different sides of the tale Velvet Goldmine), but with great leaving it open to wide speculation. legend, but one of them can’t help but reverence for an artist who was always Whatever happens, it seems that the seize the centre stage. faithful to himself. Whether you are a biggest question is whether there will Cate Blanchett is the reason for the fan of Dylan or not, the vivacity of the even be any ceremonies with the WGA excessive hype about the film. As one sixties’ society portrayed here is a sad strikes. The Golden Globes are gone. of the best actresses working today, reminder of the apathy that has infused Are the Oscars next? Blanchett wins plaudits wherever she the new millennium. Long live Bob. You heard the man/lady, do it... 24 felix Friday 11 January 2008 by Jonathan Silver Picture of the Week Trainshed, Bioengineering Second Year want to exhibit your art. Send in photographs. We [email protected] Friday 11 January 2008 felix 25

Games Games Editors – Azfarul Islam and Sebastian Nordgren [email protected] This Week

Azfarul “Az” Islam Let the party continue! Goin’ commando for riches Slash assassinates Saren A false crisis due to amnesia Games Editor

ell, hello everyone! I suppose coming back after two Game on, 2008! Game on! weeks of luxurious W indulgence only to be thrust into a horrid whirlpool of ex- Azfarul Islam would like to welcome you all to another year of gala gaming ams and deadlines can’t be the nicest thing. It sucks, no? Worry not stalwart readers for we reetings all! 2007 had Rockstar’s tango with controversy The year was marked by the release the promise of such powerful hardware are here to ease your suffering. So pick been quite a year for those continued with its utterly immoral of hyped megahits such as God of War capabilities. Titles like Metal Gear up this issue of Felix and indulge in our who call Manhunt 2 being subject II, Halo 3, Super Mario Galaxy, Call of Solid 4, LittleBigPlanet, Final Fantasy Games section. Starting from a retrop- gaming to the ultimate ban-ham- Duty 4, Unreal Tournament III, Com- XIII, Gran Turismo 5 and Devil May erspective of 2007 in terms of gaming G not just mer. However, Rockstar mand and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars Cry 4 offer what the PlayStation does to the Holiday releases to the upcom- a hobby but a passion. decided to fight it out, and Guitar Hero 3. And this was pretty best: a fantastic concoction of variety ing titles of 2008, Felix Games takes a It was a melange of culminating in a cat- much the tip of the veritable iceberg. and quality. comprehensive look at the stuff you both good, bad and and-mouse game where There was a broad spectrum of qual- On top of all this, the release of the love. And the best part is that it’s writ- downright outrageous victory ity and gargantuan Grand Theft Auto IV ten for you, by you! news and events. Let’s was short- variety looms with expectation and unfettered I do remember mentioning a new take the quickest of re- lived as all across hype. concept for Felix Games and suffice it caps before reviewing the case the con- Despite what seems to have been the to say it’s still work-in-progress but we the best of the 2007 was finally sole smor- release of all their key franchise titles, hope you’ll like it when it actually sees Winter holiday season referred to gasbord. the Xbox 360 and Wii also have much the light of day. and then looking to- the High Names like This is poised to be quite an interest- wards the games that Court Portal, Bi- ing year for games particularly since it will carry us through with a de- oShock, has to live upto the astonishing bril- the year 2008. cision still Supreme liance of 2007 - an epochal 365 days The earlier quarter pending. Com- that gave us more fun than we’d dare was defined by the Gam- mander, hope for. release of Sony’s Play- ing was Rock I’d also like to take this opportunity to Station 3 - an obsidian brought Band, give a heads up to an all-new tech sec- behemoth of a console up by pol- Mass Effect tion headed by my good friend James that was really too ex- iticians as and Su- Finnerty. Tech and games go hand-in- pensive for its worth. well with per Paper hand so we hope to satiate your crav- Despite that, it was David Mario have ings with atleast a few collaborations a portentous event meaning that all Cameron citing videog- now been this year. Interestingly, they look at the three new consoles had finally graced ames as one of the rea- juxtaposed innards of the magical, wondrous Wii- British soil and the competition here sons for a degenerating with inge- life left in Mote. It’s really quite clever how the had truly begun. youth culture. Gordon nuity and them and little thing works. Around May, the newly revamped Brown mentioned in- innovation. it’ll be in- Anyway, allow me to explain how this E3 was observed. Moving away from teractive media but in To be fair, teresting issue works. It’s been done in the form the smoke-and-mirrors glitz of the E3s a far more diplomatic light explaining it’s almost nigh on impossible to na- to watch of spreads for each console (the PS3, past, it had become a subdued seminar that regulations over adult material mecheck the sheer quantity of quality developers attempt to Xbox 360 and PC - unfortunately, Wii of sorts being held at posh hotels. needed to be refined. last year but rest assured, it was a Very innovate as opposed to submissions were nil, but we’ll work on In other, more terrestrial news, uber It’s no surprise that gaming is fi- Good Year for GamingTM. rehash. that soon enough!). On the left-hand retailer Game announced that they nally emerging into the limelight as 2008 promises to be a quieter year, That’s it really, in a side you’ll get to read reviews of the would be absorbing GameStation into a premier and mainstream form of characterised by the presence of a tiny nutshell. We at Fe- games that wowed us during the cold their bloated bulk. What this means media. 2007 witnessed a cavalcade of more genuine gaming fanbase over a lix hope to be be there with you as 2008 winter months and kept us engrossed for gamers is that a retail monopoly is watershed releases ranging from the mainstream one. The emphasis now continues forth and we hope you enjoy when we were supposed to be revising. on the verge of being created and this surprisingly fantastic to the fervently falls on the PlayStation 3 to truly rise the journey as much as we expect to. A Similarly, the right-hand side showcas- can hurt us financially. Nasty. anticipated. up to the challenge of making good on belated Happy New Year to all! es previews of upcoming games that we think sound brilliant and will try our very best to report on and cover once they get released. It may be slightly confusing graphi- Here are the names of all who made this issue possible! cally, but it’s been done deliberately to create themes that are endemic and indicative of the relevant gaming con- A gigantic thanks In alphabetical order: Too Human Viral Shah sole. We’d definitely love your com- Fable 2 Mass Effect ments since a lot of hours were put into go out to everyone Andrew Lim this issue. who pulled togeth- Call of Duty 4: Modern Chris Hutchison Wing Hym Liu Speaking of comments, the Reader Warfare Guitar Hero III StarCraft II Riposte section should be back in full er and contributed swing once we resume normal serv- Alex Stubley David Lawrence ice. So we definitely want to hear your all those awesome Ninja Gaiden II Unreal Tournament III comments (in 50 words or less) on the pieces. games that we’re reviewing in this issue. Azfarul Islam James Finnerty Similarly, I’d like to call out to those in- A few of you did so Layout and Design LittleBigPlanet terested in writing for Felix Games but Ratchet & Clank: Tools of Crysis were somewhat hesitant about start- at very short notice Destruction ing. My advice: don’t be. Submit your Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune Samir Talwar work and start getting involved at the and for that, I’m Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of Spore fantastic world of Felix! Go on, warm eternally grateful! the Patriots up MS Word - you know you want to! Devil May Cry 4 Sebastian Nordgren Please do send in your comments, KillZone II The Witcher opinions, criticism and all other game- Assassin’s Creed related pieces to games.felix@imperial. Az Splinter Cell: Conviction ac.uk. 26 felix Friday 11 January 2008

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CALL OF DUTY 4: MODERN WARFARE RATCHET & CLANK: TOOLS OF DESTRUCTION

As some of you will know the first three Call of Oh, is that the new Ratchet? You just can’t help but feel this tiny yet cruel Duty games have been set in WWII and have re- twinge of disappointment as you look at Insomniac’s latest for the first time. ally been about fighting in those historical bat- It still looks like the same, old Ratchet. However, worry ye not Ratchet aficio- tles but Infinity Ward has decided to take it out nados because this game is the same, old Ratchet. of WWII and put it into the present. The story Except if Ratchet and Clank: ToD were the title of the newest Pixar film. It’s is completely fictional but still fairly plausible. probably going to cut into hyperbole territory but this must be said: Ratchet’s It also makes a very nice change from almost PS3 outing is simply gorgeous and up there with the best of 3D animated films. every military shooter out there by having a It’s sumptuously detailed, velvet smooth and the art style still has that warm much darker plot in that even though you go cartoony appeal that’ll melt your heart. It’s also a special effects tour de force fight and do what you can to save it, the world with all manner of sparkling lights, shiny surfaces, glorious explosions and an still kind of sucks at the end of it all. This mes- overabundance of destruction courtesy of Ratchet’s arsenal. The new enemies, headed by sage is pretty much summed up in one of the the Napoleon-esque Emperor Tachyon end up being a bunch of hapless little aliens (much levels in which you can’t really do anything other like their glorious leader) strapped up into fish-bowls atop giant metallic armoured suits. than look around at absolute destruction around you. It’s really bit jarring. Upon bashing their exoskeletons can you choose to laugh/pity at their insignificant coun- You play the single player game mostly as two people: a US marine and an SAS opera- tenance. Voiced to perfection yet again, this is a story that will amuse you to no end. tive and you visit a variety of locations from a cargo ship at sea to the abandoned city of The classic Ratchet humour is back and permeates into all levels of this rollicking ad- Chernobyl. The campaign is very sort of straight-forward in that you’re always going to venture full of melee bashing and truly marvellous weapons. The best of the lot are the know what you’re doing and where you’re supposed to be heading - helped Groovitron (below) and the Transmorpher. The former makes enemies stop in their on your way by your compass which always points you the right way. tracks and bust out a variety of moves to groovy disco beats whereas the latter just It usually isn’t quite as simple as running from point A zaps them into cute penguins replete with winter clothing. Best part? Get them to point B though and there’s quite a lot of variety from dancin’ and then turn them into penguins. Dancing penguins: Priceless. house to house - for example, in the Middle East you are Innovation be damned, relentless fun is what it’s all about! killing hordes of enemy troops, sneaking by enemy patrols in Russia and in the last level which is completely unrelated to the story in every way possible, you are slaughtering an entire airplane full of terrorists (I actually got asked why I don’t throw a grenade by someone; last time I checked, throwing a frag grenade when you’re 10 km in the air isn’t the smartest of ideas but neither is gunfire so whatever). All of this makes for some really intense gameplay which brings me to pretty much the only complaint about it and that the single player is just incredibly short and you’ll probably finish the game in about 5 to 6 hours. You can up the difficulty if you really feel like a challenge but at the highest difficulty setting your enemies are insanely deadly which can get incredibly annoying and somewhat less fun. However, the game more than makes up for it by having some excellent multiplayer. Most of the maps are taken from the single player campaign and just kind of changed Trying to stay alive despite coming down with a fever on a Saturday night

up a bit to actually turn into multiplayer maps, I know that actually sounds UNCHARTED: DRAKE’S FORTUNE horrible but out of all of the 16 maps only one or two of them are actually A downed airplane. A mysterious island abound with lush greenery, trech- bad maps (I dislike a couple more than erous ruins and sinister denizens. And a cocky treasure hunter who’s never that but only that many are actually far away from any sort of trouble. just bad). And the maps pretty much These ingredients make for some great pulp action material and that’s ex- run the gauntlet of having wide open actly what developers Naughty Dog have concocted. Uncharted follows the spaces where a good sniper just laughs tale of Nathan Drake who believes himself to be the heir of the purportedly at the unsuspecting victims down to re- childless Sir Francis Drake. He sets out seeking his ancient treasure and lands ally tight maps where grenades, shot- face-first into a rollicking adventure full of mystery, intrigue and danger. guns and people just randomly firing Seguing together the best of exploration, platforming and shooting me- hoping they’ll hit something all over the chanics from established titles, Uncharted creates a truly addicting amalgam place. There are six modes of play free-for- all of intense action and daring escapades. It feels familiar in a sort of warm, fuzzy and team deathmatch both of are which your standard kill or be killed game type while way all the while possessing a strong sense of identity. While the somewhat generic en- the others are more objective based either around capturing and holding control points emies are more defined by the weapons they carry, they’re still formidable opponents in around the map or planting a bomb to destroy an objective that your opponent have to numbers and you’ll have to duck, weave and roll your way through their hails of bullets defend. to survive. The cover-based shooting mechanism, culled and steamlined from Gears The multiplayer also rewards you for playing smartly, if you can get a three kill streak you of War, creates a palpitating sense of contention. Squeezing in headshots with a pistol get to call down a UAV which makes your opponents show up on your radar. If you can get has rarely felt this rewarding. The only strange aspect is that enemies require a fixed up to five you can call in an airstrike which you can drop anywhere on the map and watch jets amount of body shots to down them regardless of where you’re shooting them. fly in and just kill anything in the area and if you manage to get up to seven you can call in a The adventuring aspects are equally engaging with the quiet sounds of nature im- helicopter which on some maps can be devastating (on some it might as well do nothing). Also mersing you as you concentrate in making death-defying leaps of faith. everything useful that you do in the multiplayer you get experience and all those go towards your All this is presented with radiant visuals and stellar animation. The sound- rank and when you gain ranks you get access to more equipment and classes. The class system scape is equally mercurial, offering a range of melodies that serve to further is fairly interesting in that they all have strengths and weaknesses with their different load outs and engross. Besides the eye candy, there are startingly human characters that eventually you’ll unlock the ability to create your own class which allows you to pick your own weap- draw you into the narrative and offer a tangible conviction to embark on this ons, attachments, grenades and perks. Perks are split into three groups the first of which is mostly epic adventure. explosives and the other two are slightly more random, you have perks that gives your more health or damage and then you have cool things like martyrdom which every time you’re killed you drop a live grenade at your feet for all those annoying people that find teabagging fun. The presentation of the game is really good, the textures are detailed, there’s great use of lighting and bloom effects and if there’s really any complaint its that you’ll find some of the models aren’t all that good but only if you’re really looking for it. The game also has some great music in it and has some really excellent sound effects for the weapons which when you fire them they sound like stuff that really is going to kill people which is awesome. Even though single player is incredibly short it’s still loads of fun to play and the game more than makes up for it by having some great multiplayer action, making this a game definitely worth pick- ing up. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 27 [email protected] Games

METAL GEAR SOLID 4: GUNS OF THE PATRIOTS LITTLEBIGPLANET DEVELOPER MEDIA MOLECULE PUBLISHER SONY DEVELOPER KONAMI PUBLISHER KONAMI

The previous year’s Games Developers Convention Waiting isn’t usually the most fun of in San Francisco witnessed the birth of something activities, but sometimes that little special by newly founded British games studio, bit of patience can lead to some- Media Molecule. This something is LittleBigPlanet, thing special. Metal Gear Solid 4 the first truly co-operative multi-player platform is poised to be such an event. game that could be the first jewel set into Sony’s Purportedly the last of the great PS3 crown. MGS series and personally, the The characters of the game are a set of player- game I’ve been waiting for (since controlled plush toys traversing a human-sized envi- the last one, of course), MGS4 em- ronment pushing the PlayStation into an area of the mar- bodies expectations that are inter- ket ruthlessly defended by Nintendo, that is aptly dubbed stellar in proportion and not just from “non-gamers” and young ones. This could be seen as a an avid fanbase as well. Sony have yet to release risk but it could bring variety to a much neglected area their own magnum opus and there are doubts that of this platform’s library sparsely populated by games like they are capable of such. Thus, it falls on Snake’s ag- Ratatouille, another great game overlooked by the majority. ing shoulders to bear the burden of not only a world Although the content of the game would insinuate its target audience to be the ravaged by war but yet another one full of hope. young, the challenges still provide a high level of entertainment to force the tradi- Years after the chilling events onboard Arsenal Gear, everything has tional gamer into finding solutions to non-traditional problems ala Portal. changed. War has been transformed into a profitable business, one Players are encouraged to create their own levels and craft their own puzzles from where soldiers find a constant home. However, this vision of a war- the game’s expansive library of obstances. This game isn’t oriented for the lone gamer riors’ sanctuary has been hollowed and debauched by Snake’s twin either: it’s objective is to bring together a group of challengers and get them to collaborate brother, Liquid Snake. If he isn’t stopped, the entire planet will slowly to complete greater achievements than a mere individual could accomplish. Some sec- be reduced to naught but blood, rubble and distant memories. tions of the game actually require multiple players as a single player often cannot do what’s The premise is definitely far more grim that in any Metal Gear in that the scale required. of the status quo is significantly larger. Similarly, the gameplay must progress to From a technical aspect the beauty of the game is an astounding step towards Sony’s vi- compensate. sion. It utilises the PlayStation’s The traditional stealth gameplay that MGS pioneered has now been augmented huge potential for physics to and prepared to enter a modern era of combat where there is no place to hide. make the challenges that face the Demos reveal the core gameplay to be unchanged but with myriad additions in players far more dynamic and order to streamline it. The introduction of the OctoCam means that Snake can formidable. blend into any environment (like a chameleon); context-sensitive actions offer The first public demo is planned the ability to interact more with a malleable, spontaneous environment. The to appear on the PlayStation Net- promise of a more organic CQC (Close Quarters Combat) techniques and an work sometime during the year enhanced roster of weaponry is fervently anticipated in equal measure. and the full game should be re- Metal Gear has always been about an astounding, immersive and yes, rather leased towards the holiday sea- abstruse, narrative and this game will probably be no different. With multiple son, but the question stands: will threads coalescing to an ultimate purpose and old faces returning for the last this be the PlayStation 3’s killer great adventure, MGS4 promises to be an emotional journey for the ages. app?

DEVIL MAY CRY 4 DEVELOPER CAPCOM PUBLISHER CAPCOM KILLZONE II DEVELOPER GUERILLA STUDIOS PUBLISHER SONY

Guns. Swords. Two guys bedecked in tight leather. Need any more innuendo? I know what you’re thinking right now. Why, oh God, why waste space on a piece Capcom’s intensely stylish Devil May Cry makes a triumphant return. DMC4 is set some years of detritus like KillZone. Fair point. KillZone was pooptacular. It was shit. after the events of the original DMC, which saw the spunky rockstar of gaming, Dante, send the However, KillZone II (or KillZone PS3, whatever makes you happy) wants to be Devil bawling back to Hell yet again. However, he concedes his status this time to one Nero. the shit. Shyeah, right. What with Guerilla’s first attempt at a “Halo-slayer” and Dante’s father, the Legendary Dark Knight Sparda, originally fought against the Devil. It turns out the CGI debacle of E3 2005, there’s no way they’re capable of making a decent that this little action earned him quite a few fanboys. The game will start off presenting this group as game. the Order of the Sword, with Nero as one of its members. Although, his presence as part of the cult Or are they. Guerilla came out of the closet and did the unthinkable and seems more driven by his affection for a girl named Kyrie. During a sermon by the Order, the peace showed off real gameplay footage and video that cheekily included the afore- is suddenly disrupted by the appearance of a stranger coiffed with silver locks and enshrouded in a mentioned CGI trailer, except, it was actually rendered in real-time. And you blood-red trench coat. He wastes no time in slaughtering the priests. Thus begins DMC4. know what, it honestly looks good. The gritty, charcoal vibes - one of the few Besides the romantic connotations of the plot and Dante’s shocking actions, what really mat- highlights of the original - has been retained. Otherwise, the game is almost ters is the gameplay. And this game seems to deliver. Combining fast-paced, frenetic swordplay unrecogniseable. Boasting an all-out assault on all the with a staccato of gun attacks, DMC meshes together proximal and distance combat rather de- senses, this revitalised title seems to pull off every liciously. Nero introduces a new mechanic: the Devil Bringer. His right arm happens graphical trick in the trade. The character models in to be possessed by a demon of sorts and he can use its power into particular impressed with life-like animations, ges- a powerful ectoplasmic manifestation that allows tures and facial expressions. him to perform all sorts of insane tricks. He’ll need What remains to be seen, though, is the real sub- all the help he can get as the Order members seem stance: the gameplay elements. The FPS genre is to have ulterior motives. And he won’t be alone: one that doesn’t lend itself to much innovation, Dante is there to guide him. rather relying on finding the ‘right’ formula and Augmented by some absolutely stunning building upon it. KillZone, to be brutally honest, art and visuals, DMC4 had no such formula so it’s interesting to see how promises to be the the developers will approach their first serious at- balls-out action tempt at quality. event of the What’s included into the mix is a cover system year. that allows one to latch onto any part of solid scenery and then hide behind it while pop- ping out to risk shots at the enemy. It’s certainly not the newest mechanic around but it does promise to be an entertaining addition that the stellar Call of Duty 4 did not possess. There’s a thought. Plotwise, there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly remarkable offered. The ISA (Interplanetary Strategic Alliance) forces have now been directly landed on Planet Helghan (home of the Helghast) in order to take the fight to them. On the way they not only encounter eery-eyed transgressors but also a hostile planet that the Helghast seem to be harnessing directly against you. It’s somewhat interesting but I wouldn’t really expect anything particularly epic or immersive. KillZone II finds itself in an intriguing position. If it can succeed and bring forth the solid gameplay and fantastic visuals it promises then it will be a true hit. Otherwise, it stands to flounder and simply die like its predecessor. Insert a random Queer Eye for the Straight Guy reference... it’s begging for one! 28 felix Friday 11 January 2008

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MASS EFFECT your avatar’s sex, appearance, class and back-story. Once that’s over with you’re ready to jump into the action. Before its release, Mass Effect was The combat system is nothing anointed as a can’t-miss prospect amazing. In fact, if you were to by practically anyone who saw or base your opinion of the game read about it. BioWare’s gargan- on it, it would be no where near tuan action-RPG had been at the as good of a game as it is. AI top of my 2007 wish-list for is weak on both the enemy and some time and I was eager ally sides. Your guys will shoot to see whether it lived up at walls or into your back 70% to the mammoth hype of the time, and you can back it carried. After play- up and bottle neck 30 enemies ing through about 25 into a hallway to be slaughtered strength knocked them on their placed by the new method hours of the game I can like cattle. The shotgun is also backs leaving them helpless for of Shepard running over to safely say, Mass Effect possibly the most unbalanced, a good five seconds. his/her squad in between lives up to the BioWare unstoppable weapon in gam- But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t missions for a chat. This can name. This is nothing short ing history. I was able to snipe fun being a one man wrecking sometimes feel like more of of a revolutionary title, one that 100 yards with the shotgun, and crew. And by no means was it an effort than it should, and brings together the disparate el- when they got close the blast always a breeze. There was one having such a small amount ements of role-playing game and point that I can’t go into details of interaction with your shooter for a compelling, story-driv- about without spoiling anything squad outside of the ship can en experience. that took me 45 minutes of dy- often make them seem a bit Overall, the storyline is a great ing to beat. lifeless. one, bordering on brilliant. Mass Mass Effect sports an awe- Bottom-line? As an RPG, Effect is set roughly 200 years into some lineup of characters you Mass Effect will blow you the future, when alien technology will fall in love with immedi- away. You’ll find yourself so has advanced humans to faster- ately, ranging from the sassy engrossed in the massive than-light travelling speeds, and and spunky Ashley Williams (pardon the pun) universe has put us into contact with a host of to the badass, “I don’t give a that even if you don’t usu- aliens in a struggle to fit in with this crap” Urdnot Wrex. With that ally role play, you’ll be doing intergalactic community. A rogue in mind though, the way your it anyway. Whatever you do, agent named Saren who’s working squad-mates are developed in don’t judge it as a shooter. for The Council (the “always needed” this game can often make them Mass Effect isn’t just a game, trio that runs the show) threatens seem underwhelming com- it’s an experience and is a the safety of the universe, and it’s pared with their previous prime example of why games your job to stop him. sci-fi epic and spiritual are being recognised as liter- Enter the protagonist, predecessor, Knights of ary art forms. It’s a must-play Commander Shepard. the Old Republic. Gone game if you own an Xbox This being an RPG, are the moments of 360. Don’t be that guy who character creation is Carth Onassi stop- misses out, because it’ll be rather important. Mass ping you for a chat your loss. Game of the Year, Effect allows you to choose in the streets, re- hands down.

ASSASSIN’S CREED (ALSO ON PS3, PC) GUITAR HERO III (ALSO ON PS3, WII, PS2)

Assassin’s Creed at- Guitar Hero III: Leg- tempts to segue manifold ends of Rock is the latest features from canonical ti- in the Guitar Hero series. tles past. The Middle-Eastern The game’s had a graphics atmosphere and lithe acrobat- makeover, the gameplay’s been ics of Prince of Persia, the swirl- tightened (a bit) as well some new ing conspiracies about the correlation features being added in the form of a of genetics and information ala Metal Gear good co-op carrier mode and not so good Solid and the proximal stealth tactics of Hitman all guitar battles in which you compete with another come to mind whilst traversing the distinctly khaki- guitarist (NPC or player) in a rock off. saturated environments. It’s a good idea but in practise it does not work The melange of such established mechanics and well. But don’t let this put you off; Guitar Hero 3 it atmospheric, indigenous art style do well to capti- is probably the strongest Guitar Hero so far mostly vate the gamer for the overture. Al-ta’ir is capable due to the tracklist which features over 70 master of some deft parkour and these portions often feel tracks from across the rock spectrum from the exhilirating. Similarly, the sense of tension as you Kaiser Chiefs’ “Ruby” to “Through the Fire and track your quarries amongst a bustling, cognizant Flames” by Dragonforce (and yes, it is very, very crowd is quite palpable. The sword combat, de- difficult). spite being quite linear, offers visceral thrills in the The game is the most difficult in the series so far, form of brutality by the blade. There’s a strongly so it’s probably not best start for you newbies out evocative sense of actual detective work even if the situations tend to be mimetic after there, but it is well worth a play and still remains one of the best party games out there. the initial few. The visuals are astounding at their best with delicate nuances, solid ani- (I can only vouch for the Xbox 360 version) but with online play and new download- mation and an admirable sense of architecture. Overall, it starts off rather brilliantly. able songs becoming available stands to keep the game fresh for a good few months Despite a riveting introduction, there are myriad cracks that show with time. Wor- yet. ryingly, an increasinging bit of ennui sets in early on. While it borrows some fantas- There is even a rock version of “We Three Kings” performed by Steve Ouimette for tic elements, Creed plays safe with them and refuses to go the extra distance. The free download. If you are still feeling Christmassy, that is. story will seem clever and thought-provoking, but a few brushes with literature and the aforementioned Metal Gear Solid reveal it to be a bit plain and rather unexciting. There are certain graphical errors and despite excellent vocal localisation, Al-ta’ir’s strong American accent is grating and breaks an otherwise spellbinding illusion. While flawed, the game manages to be highly entertaining. Plus, Assassins pwn. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 29 [email protected] Games

NINJA GAIDEN II SPLINTER CELL: CONVICTION

Carving out its name in the hall of fame of the original Xbox Splinter Cell has always been and PS3, Ninja Gaiden and its later re-released Sigma edition the other stealth series, offer- redefined platform gaming with its fast-paced combat system ing a slower, more deliberate and extensive combo list. type of gameplay over Metal With such a history Ninja Gaiden II brings with it a certain Gear’s more spontaneous, Pedigree amongst its fellow platforming peers. For those that stylised sneaking. haven’t been graced with playing the original, Ninja Gaiden After toying around with a II is an Xbox 360 exclusive platform game with a heavy em- rather rigid formula for three phasis on combat in a near-future setting with fantasy ele- titles, UbiSoft has finally de- ments, and so the game revolves around running between cided to try something a little fights against a combination of fiends, samurai and sci-fi different - but not too much. In- troopers. spired by the intelligent crowd The defining characteristics that made the original what mentality established in Assas- it was look set to remain intact in the sequel, including the sin’s Creed, they have looked challenging level of play and the almost poetic nature of towards the likes of the Bourne trilogy and The Fugitive to offer a more evanescent, combat. capricious version of stealth. This time, series stalwart Sam Fisher is in contention Currently released trailers show locales based upon recognisable with the very organisation that had raised him. With the Third Echelon a shadow of its real-world locations including the likes of Venice, New York and Ja- former self, Fisher only has his wits and his ingenuity to survive. In essence, Conviction pan. Current info regarding weapon selection shows the usual sin- is playing catch-up with MGS4’s ‘nowhere to hide’ mantra. gle sword, twin swords as well as more exotic weapons such as a The game is set in urban areas that are populated by a bevy of civilians, police offic- set of claws (think Wolverine) and a scythe. ers and Government agents. It’s upto Sam to complete his recon activities all the while The developers have chosen to increase the age rating from a 15 remaining hidden within the crowd, flowing with them without disruption. When the to 18, allowing them increase the depth in combat by dismembering situation calls for action, however, he is able to utilise the environment around opponents limbs while giving the fights a far more visceral feel. him to his advantage. This ties in with a natural animation system de- The game is currently set to be released this spring, so human- signed for Sam to interact organically with his surroundings. ity will have to look for its scythe-wielding Ninja fix elsewhere for These are certainly moves in a rather interesting new direction the time being. that is quite far from the light-and-shadows stealth mechanic of Splinter Cells yore. Gameplay videos, despite being work in progress, reveal a title that is much akin to an Assassin’s Creed set in the present day sans the parkour acrobat- ics. The graphics look rather impressive and Sam Fisher is sporting a rather George Clooney-esque beard that makes him look a bit more human. Rumours have it that development of the game has been troubled and restarted two times already. One hopes that these issues are sorted out for this rather promising title.

TOO HUMAN FABLE 2

Coming from the creators of the original Legacy of Kain my- Fable was an extraordinarily ambitious game and coming thos and the eerie Eternal Darkness, Too Human promises a from the creator of the hallowed Black & White (and not-so- melange of epic, high-fantasy storytelling and intense GunXS- good sequel), such was to be expected. While the original wasn’t word combat popularised by the one and only Devil May Cry. able to meet Peter Molyneux’s divinely lofty goals, Fable 2 takes its In a futuristic rendition of Norse Mythology, you find yourself in chance at reaching for the stars the heavy metallic boots of Baldur - the god of all things green, figu- Set in the world of Albion yet again, Fable 2 allows you to truly em- ratively not literally. The interesting aspect here is that Norse gods are not body your chosen character and live out a span of fifty years of his or her immortals. Rather, they are warriors and personifications of utmost respect and life. This time, the emphasis on a truly pervasive, consequential experience prodigious ability; in this game, these beings further distance themselves from weaker seems to be the ultimate goal. Once you’ve begun your journey, the choices laid in humans through the augmentation of cybernetic implants. So far the plot whispers of front of you range from the mundane to the great. vestiges of great depth and moral pondering as it presents these evermore mecha- Morality in terms of good and evil was the lynchpin of character development in nistic gods and their enemies: a machine army that slaughters humans in order to the previous game. This time, such a balance is important but no longer the focus. incorporate flesh and blood into their being. The irony here being that the reason is for Rather, money happens to be the representation of morality; rather perspicacious, no? the machines to become more akin with that they perceive as ‘human’, while the gods The combination of your alignment with the forces of light and/or dark and move further towards embracing a metallic future. your financial status will now have bearing on how other Baldur is an exception. Among all the gods, he alone possesses the least upgrades characters treat you and how you will be able to conduct and this action is viewed with suspicion. Like the other legendary game about power- yourself in the game world. ful deities, God of War, there seem to be a lot of internal politics and struggle within The overarching plotline has something to do with an the hierarchy. It’s always an interesting concept and moreso in the light of humanising individual called Lucien whose goal it is to build a fifty- these characters despite their attempts to convince otherwise. storey tower - interestingly, this is in tandem with While the plot has me significantly intrigued, the gameplay revealed thus far doesn’t your gameplay time of a similar number of years. inspire much confidence. It looks airy and rigid; easily outclassed by the impending Beyond this lies the seemingly infinite amount release of it’s combat forebear: Devil May Cry 4. of choice offered, as Mr Molyneux waxes lyrical Still there is much to hope from this title on an aesthetic level since the art is highly about his game. One can get married, become stylised and the sense of a futuristic atmosphere is impressively palpable. pregnant (or get someone else pregnant) and have children. These characters remain and interact with you realistically. Similarly, you can even have a pet who’ll come running back to you even if you spurn it away. Aww. You can also undertake any profession ranging from a mere barmen to a more risque activity such as prostitution. Err... The underlying combat principle is being based on timing and context-sensivity via the use of a single button. How this will work is yet to be seen, but there are worries that combat depth is being sacrificed for accessibility. Regardless, Fable 2 stands as an energetic, zealous project that has the potential of offering an multifarious experience of epic proportions. Or at the least, a highly entertaining, fun one. 30 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Games [email protected]

CRYSIS UNREAL TOURNAMENT III

Everyone should have heard of Crysis by now due to the sheer volume of hype this game was The Unreal Tournament series has been around for a given by previewers. In many ways it lives up to, and even surpasses, the expectations, but in long time and has been made into a formula that rare- others it fell far short of the mark. ly fails to entertain with frantic, fast paced combat. Before I move on to the way this game plays out lets talk about why this game was been so When I started to play, I was very surprised to awaited. It’s pretty. Very pretty. Bring a £2,000 top-of-the-line computer to its knees begging for see long cut scenes and even an attempt to give mercy pretty. Now on one hand, this seems great but on the other there’s no point in a game what was previously mindless, gladiatorial being released if no one can actually play the thing. To handle this, Crytek did a fantastic job style combat, some semblance of a plot. making this title very scalable; running this game on my own mediocre machine still brought I can only imagine that the development forth a spectacle of foliage and coast lines that I was more than satisfied with. team has caved under the pressure on the Now let’s step back from the superficial and take a look at whether you will actually want to nanny state to make the violence soundly play Crysis rather than stare at it. The game is split into two major sections. Firstly, there’s the motivated. On the other hand, who really half before you fight a swarm of more or less identical aliens that leads to a series of repetitive cares? I don’t think anyone ever bought a gameplay and then the second half, where you’re fighting a swarm of aforementioned generic UT game because it had a good storyline. aliens. Okay okay, I’m hinting just a bit at what bugs me about this shooter. Regardless, the game play is still classic UT. For breakfast and lunch you tackle a dynamic and tactically intelligent guerrilla army that uti- Running around maps that vary in size from quite lizes cover and will even out-flank you. You can tackle every encounter using your vast set of small industrial areas to enormous expanses of tools to suit your favourite style of combat. Lurk around as a sniper with high powered rifles, forest or sprawling space stations. The graphics James Bond it with silenced pistols or go all Governor of California with an Uzi: its up to you. are absolutely stunning and, to their credit, the This truly adds a huge element of re-playability to the single player. UT team refrained from using DX10 which allows Brace yourself for the let down: aliens are overrated. After battling the very well-designed mid-level systems to still play the game com- guerrilla AI for the first half, the second species of opponents is a dismal way to end your experi- fortably (however you only really notice how ence. They float around slowly and you plug away with the Gauss Rifle (basically a rail gun). Tak- much the graphics have been improved on a ing them out becomes a very repetitive three-shot game, although there is a bit of a perk where relatively new system). This also means the en- you get to fly in a helicopter and take on the extraterrestrials at their own game. vironments have the expected UT trait of being... sol- An- other let down is the multiplayer, not because of what the developers pro- id. There’s simply no other word to describe it. Even duced, but how the users have exploited a few features of the games small trees and bins are impervious to a hail of rockets. Nano Suit (does the same things the predator can do: run fast, become The only objects that are destructible are the vehicles and invisible, etc.). Join an online game and you will be swarmed with half your enemies! a dozen people running up behind you, while invisible, and A new addition is the hover board then punching you in the back knocking you out in one which replaces the Translocator in hit. Lame. any maps that contain vehicles. There is some solace to be found in the hope that This is a fantastic addition to patches will balance aspects of the multiplayer the game that really chang- to minimize some of possible exploits. es the strategies and en- To conclude, I feel this game was a bit courages teamwork, of a victim of its own hype and it re- especially in CTF ally had to reach an impossible set games as you can of standards. Brush these pre- latch onto the back conceptions aside, however, of vehicles while and you still have what is on your board by anyone’s standard, a and be dragged fantastic shooter. along at high speed, getting you and the flag back safe. UT3 says goodbye to the Ion Painter and the Light- THE WITCHER ning Gun but we see a welcome return of So, The Witcher, eh? Hell, I don’t blame you, I hadn’t heard the sniper rifle. about it either until a friend shoved his copy of it in my hand All the weapons, and told me to play it. And now that I have, I’m a bit disap- as with everything pointed that others haven’t heard of this excellent traditional else in the game RPG from new Polish developers CDProjekt. The Witcher is a have had a nice up- brilliant game with oodles of atmosphere, charm and action. It’s grade and I finally feel different enough to feel like a step that the weapons actu- forwards from the same old, same ally look like they were old of Western RPGs with a load of new made in the future rather improbable-sounding features that mesh than knocked up in some live into a well-polished whole. action gamer’s garage. But aside from the streamlined real-time com- The multiplayer element of this bat, the interesting alchemy elements and meaning- game, which is really the main selling ful character progression, the most significant trait of The point, is a little disappointing. The use of Witcher is its writing. In a year when Portal showed the world aimbots etc. can become ridiculous (some players liter- that writing can raise a game from good to mind-blowingly ally cannot be killed unless you’re 2 feet away and behind them) amazing, this game has raised the bar for RPG writing. For a and I’m certain it will continue as there do not appear to be any good 50 hours, the writers sidestep the cliches - this game plans for an anti-cheat system. One area of multiplayer that I really isn’t about winning, saving the world or getting the princess missed was the Bombing Run game which has been replaced with (well, it is, but not all the time). The Witcher’s decisions are a tug-of-war style match named Onslaught, where you attempt far more subtle than that, delving deeply into themes of love, capture a number of power sources sequentially until you can at- loyalty, drugs, politics, marriage, racism, rape and trust. NPCs tack your enemy’s main power node. It does produce longer and have histories and very real human motivations and, like real more intense games but Bombing Run was a unique gem in mul- people, they all believe they’re doing The Right Thing. It’s up tiplayer FPS. to the player to read through the rich dialogue (all of which Overall UT3 is an excellent addition to the series but with games is voice-acted to a high standard) and pick their own path like Crysis and Bioshock competing in the market, through it. it really should attempt more and not just be But perhaps best of all, The Witcher never outright punishes satisfied with a well-implemented makeover. you for any of your decisions, instilling you with an odd sort of Unless you’re a real hardcore UT fan and self-doubt about your actions. And for that alone, The Witcher have bought a new computer recently I is a game that deserves to be played - because there are very would stick with one of the older few forms of media that make you sincerely ask yourself “Am incar- nations as they offer I doing The Right Thing?”. just as much entertain- (The retail version of The Witcher suffers from long loading screens and occasional crash ment and still look bugs, all of which are solved by a recent patch. With these technical difficulties out of the way, better on older the game is much easier to recommend to everyone.) systems. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 31 [email protected] Games

SPORE velopment team aim to create human beings, seek to ex- what could potentially be the plore the universe to perhaps most open-ended video game find some life apart from their OK, first things in history – a monumental task own. During all this, the player first: Will Wright is God. by anyone’s standards. As a re- can manipulate not only the But not only that, he gives sult, many are sceptical of the structure of the overall system you the power too. Crea- game, leading some to claim it but the creatures themselves, tor of the most popular PC as “vapourware,” despite the controlling both their physical game ever, The Sims, as game being seemingly on track makeup and to a lesser extent, well as the frankly magi- for the release date, and others their thoughts and actions. In cal SimCity, he developed to doubt its level of creativity, this, it is quite representative of worlds entirely under your even before it goes gold. This Maxis’ earlier games. However, control. Now he wants to is balanced, however, by the as Spore spans such a great take you one step further: growing number of fan com- transition, from single microbes his new creation, Spore, munities centred on its eventual to advanced city-states, the level will grant you the potential release, geared towards discus- of control must change accord- to control the very evolu- sion of the game and a means ingly. As you progress through tion of a species. From to effectively share the content the five stages, the control over the beginnings of life itself that the users create. individuals is relinquished in fa- to the spawn of a galac- The game’s premise is simple vour of more direct control over tic civilisation, Spore will to explain, but tough to create the entire population. guide you through the in practice: a comet crashes on The Spore development team tures are faring in other uni- antee their care- ages, where according to a planet of the player’s choos- are very keen to promote their verses, including the number fully-groomed the man himself, almost ing, causing the complex reac- content-sharing service, which of times another player has de- creatures are anything can happen. tions which culminate in living automatically uploads your stroyed their own planet. While unique through- That is, if it ever gets organisms. As these organisms planets to a central database. it seems like a fairly gimmicky out the planet. released. thrive, they evolve into more in- This information is then shared idea, it opens doors to vast pos- Not all is ran- Currently eight years in teresting creatures, which then with other players, who can sibilities – for example, you could dom, however: the making, Spore was form societies, which merge into download the planets and ex- groom your creatures towards once we’ve cre- first announced at the civilisations, which plore them in their own game. creating alliances and therefore ated the random 2005 Electronic Entertain- then, as The game features a protecting them as they venture creature, along ment Expo. Electronic with reporting system out into the multiverse. with its surround- Arts, who bought Wright’s which should in- Perhaps the most interesting ings, more strict soul in the form of Maxis form a player component of Spore from a sci- algorithms are Software over ten years of how entific perspective is what we call used in order to ago, have announced a their procedurally-generated content. help the creatures tentative release date crea- Simply put, it is a method of cre- evolve and adapt of spring 2008. This ating the objects in game using to their environ- definitely remains algorithms, in order to both min- ment. Rather to be seen, how- imise the storage needed for the than sporadically ever, as while humongous number of possible growing new Wright has creations and to maximise the limbs, these ef- stated that the potential diversity throughout fects are more game is cur- the game. While in most games, subtle: losing rently fully- each character, building and tree an unnecessary playable, no is created by an artist, allowing tail, or sprouting real dem- the computer to randomly gen- claws to ward off onstrations erate the objects in the game enemies. A com- have come on the fly lets us open up whole bination of these forth and worlds of never-before-seen two methodolo- the compa- content. When combined with gies should mean ny remains a large variety of textures based that you never tight-lipped on the real world to add real- play the same about the ism to the picture, this can allow game twice. actual depth for massive replayability and A bit of vari- of the game. will give players a warm fuzzy ety between each The Spore de- feeling inside, as you can guar- play is perhaps necessary: with today’s games concentrating perhaps too much on an epic sto- STARCRAFT II ryline, Spore slides with an im- neatly into the gap proved ladder left, where players are system similar given a virtual sandbox May 19, 2007 may be a units to the one currently to run the world as they long forgotten day in the both old in operation for Warcraft see fit. These so-called memories of the majority, and new. Starcraft III, fostering true competition. “god” games have al- but for the 10,000 Koreans gamers will recognise the famil- Rising to the top levels would ways had a place in the who attended Blizzard’s iar Protoss zealot, which has the be challenging no doubt, hav- gamer’s heart, where Worldwide Invitational it ability to charge and engage in ing seen the uber micro skills they can let loose and remains a sacred moment melee combat or the zergling of aficionados. Players eager create (or destroy) to as Blizzard unveiled its lat- swarm, now capable of mutat- play single-player can watch their heart’s desire. Per- est product. Yes, finally ing into suicidal bombs. They the Starcraft saga unfold as the haps the power is what Starcraft II has made it to will not recognise new units epic tale continues. attracts them, perhaps the screens and the world such as the Protoss Immortal, With the enormous size of the freedom, or maybe was in awe. Shortly after- a powerful cybernetic warrior the Blizzard fanbase in world- just a need to discover wards, the internet was that can nullify powerful attacks wide (especially in Korea where the possibilities lent consumed with ecstasy. with its shield nor initially com- Starcraft is considered a sport) to them by a game so At first look, the game is prehend the power of a Protoss and the vast interest generated, fast, but I have a feel- similar to its predecessor Mothership till they have wit- the game has been hyped up ing that if it is released but revamped with allur- nessed the ‘Black Hole’ wipe out to be a big success. However, come spring, Spore will ing graphics: a significant entire armies. Now, ambushes Blizzard’s major challenge is to spawn a new craze in improvement over the can be made onto unsuspect- bring Starcraft II into an already an industry just realis- now simplistic visuals ing units by those that are posi- saturated market whilst satisfying its potential. of the original. The tioned on higher tiers of terrain ing hardcore gamers maintain- Well, until Duke game boosts new whilst remaining invisible by ing the level of quality that the Nukem Forev- features coupled the fog of war. original had delivered. A chal- er comes out, with a array of Online gamers are promised lenge that is yet to be tested... obviously. 32 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Technology Technology Editor – James Finnerty [email protected] The little guy that’ll win your love The teen-eeepc with a teeny price. James Finnerty finds out exactly what is on offer for your cash

reckon that not very many people reading this will have heard of this easy-to-overlook new product, which I feel should I be given a lot more attention, especially within the student demo- graphic. To cut what could be a long story short, the eeepc (pronounced as a single e) is a new laptop from the established motherboard and notebook manufacturer ASUS. Now i know what you’re thinking: whats so special about another laptop? Its not a Mac so I'm not going to buy it. Well I'll explain. The big selling point of the eee is the fact that it is one of the smallest fully functional laptops ever produced; it's so portable I'm stuck as to whether to class it as a laptop or a palmtop. Before going any further I'll lay out all the facts and figures so you can get a better idea of what this device has to offer. Its dimensions are 225mm wide × 165mm deep × 35mm thick and its very low mass pulls in at an anorexic 920g. So it’s not going to break your back like every other 'portable' machine brought to you by the other big manufacturers. One’s big, one’s small. One’s light, one’s heavy. One’s fiddly, one’s clunky. You’d think with all this crap to worry about, people wouldn’t say ‘size Its screen can be a bit limiting at 7”, doesn’t matter’ any more but it pulls off a reasonable resolution, for its size, of 800x480 pixels. It uses a 900Mhz Intel celeron M processor Xandros. The eee also has a decent carry-around-all-day portability. it’s started stepping into the domain You may look at the power of this with its clock speed tamed down to battery life of 3-4 hours and is supplied A big consideration for many is the of the big boys, even Dell now supply machine and think: this is a little retro 630Mhz to save on battery and heat, with a wall-wart style charger, as op- small storage capacity. After the oper- it as an option. The eee comes setup isn't it? My phone has got more grunt. but there are some warranty-voiding posed to a normal laptop charger with ating system and applications you’re with a simplified Linux desktop called Well the fact is, for day to day tasks ways of getting it to run at full whack. a huge brick midway down the cable. left with a mere 1.4Gb space that you “easy-mode” which can be swapped for such as web browsing (Facebook, web- At the Celeron's disposal is 512mb of Now to get onto the eee's pros and can use. This isn't a lot for your mu- a standard full desktop. If you’re really mail etc.) and taking notes in lectures RAM and behind this is 4Gb of Solid cons. It's small; this is good and bad. sic and films but it’s plenty for all the not interested in dipping your toes in (Facebook, webmail etc.) you really State memory, fulfilling the role nor- The keyboard, track pad and screen documents and other work you want the Linux ocean the manual provided don't need much more power than this mally occupied by the faithful hard can be hard to use at first, producing to store on it. gives a full set of simple instructions little guy puts at your disposal. It could disk. In place of your usual Vista/XP or typing errors and frustration at trying People may or may not be put off by on how to install Windows XP and be considered the definitive student OSX, you get supplied with a reason- to click the correct icon, but this is the Linux (comes with free socks and san- some recommended adjustments to tool, especially at the loan-friendly ably mainstream Linux variant called cost associated with having this level of dals these days y'know) but as of late optimize the machine. £220. What’s inside this magic wand? Like taking expensive things apart? Well Andrew Slater will save you some time and money

y now I’m sure you’ve all less than one millionth of a gram at- distributed. The Wii calculates how actually uses Bluetooth to talk to your a 3300μF capacitor in case the batteries had a chance to play about tached to a few springs. A current runs smooth, long and powerful your shot Wiimote. Now I’ve not tried using my come loose during a frantic stick-wag- with a Wii and found that through the weight which is measured was based upon the voltage change, phone to play the Wii but it’s the same gling moment, a speaker that’s bloody it’s easy to use and (mostly) by silicon plates all around, distribut- matches it to a swing in its database technology and does have a built-in useful as it’ll bleep within a range of B does what you want. Today ing it equally at rest. With that glori- and decides you were actually aiming limit of up to eight active devices, lim- up to ten meters to remind you it’s we’re going to delve a bit into how the ous backhand you move the weight at the guy with an afro in the crowd! iting the Wii to a maximum of seven you’re go (even if you’re in the loo) and Wiimote works and just how Nintendo no more than a whopping five nano- The Wii doesn’t know all this info via players. There’s also a few other nifty a 16KiB EEPROM chip that can store got it to tick ever so perfectly. metres, changing how the current is some kind of voodoo or black magic; it devices hidden away in there including your Mii, Pokémon and controller set- In contrast to a regular light gun up. Now that’s a useful feature! which operates off the light emitted Finally, as you probably noticed, by the TV, the Wii sensor bar contains there’s a huge port on the bottom of two banks of five infra-red LEDs. The the Wiimote too. Currently you can Wiimote has an image sensor which hook the Nunchuk in there and get focuses these into two bright points worryingly tangled playing Boxing, and measures the distance between but Nintendo does have plans for extra them. By using this, compared to the connectivity. fixed distance of the LED banks in the Expect to get a light gun attachment sensor bar, the Wii can use triangula- that mounts the Wiimote along the tion (that’s some fancy form of maths barrel, a steering wheel and a whole to you medics) to work out how far host of other bizarre add-ons. Un- away from the screen you are and fortunately there won’t be a charging where you’re pointing. It can also use dock based upon the port as it has lim- the offset from horizontal to work out ited connectivity. So next time you’re the angle you’re holding the Wiimote frantically waggling your Wiimote or at, fancy eh? making a perfect serve, just remember The Wiimote has a few more tricks that you’re moving a block of silicon of up inside the indestructible shell to less than a millionth of a gram no more work out what you’re doing with it. than five nanometers, aiming with Whilst you’re swinging it with enough some LEDs and a bit of IR radiation force to break that expensive HDTV when all the while the King of Demark that you bought a few weeks ago you’re & Norway oversees that your Wiimote actually moving a silicon weight of Okay, Andrew, if you can’t put it back together what will you do then hmmm? talks fair with your Wii. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 33

Fun & Games [email protected] Wordoku 1,391 The Polygon of Gorgeous Goats D U N M N P O IE I N U D D C P A N R P O T K G N C I R S D

P O How to rate yourself: Last week’s solution: How to play

Solution to 1,390 Wordoku is identical to sudoku; Under 8 words: You’re so dense that light The seven letter words were: Using the letters given, not more than we’ve just replaced the numbers bends around you. Stoopid. once, make as many words as possible. C s M I T R A S H with letters. Once you’ve PRESENT They must be at least four or more let- H S T s C A R M I completed the puzzle, there 8 - 13 words: Your brain waves fall a little ters long and each word you come up with R A I M S H s C T is a hidden word or phrase to short of the beach, don’t they. Congratulations if you had presents over must include the central letter. I H s R M S C T A find. Email in your answers to Christmas. You’ve clearly been good boys Capitalised words, conjugated verbs . You’re not too bad, but re- and girls! (past tense etc), adverbs ending in S M R C A T H I s [email protected] 14 - 19 words: member there’s no vaccine against stupid- “-ly”, comparatives and superlatives are T C A H I s M R S The winner of Wordoku 1,390 ity. Practice! Other words included: peen, peens, peer, disallowed. M T H A R I S s C was nobody. Nevertheless, peers, pees, penes, pens. pent, pert, pest, A word you are not allowed in this case A I C S s M T H R the hidden phrase was 20 plus words: Someone’s been playing pester, peter, peters, pets, preen, preens, would be “Felix” as none of the letters can s R S T H C I A M “CHRIsTMAS”. too much Scrabulous on Facebook. Do preset, prest, repent, repents, reps, seep, be found in the polygon. I think you know some work! sept, spent, steep, spree, steep, step, strep. the rules by now. H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

#Sing it# Matty This week in your I had a dream last This week you Hoban, we love you. exam, things be- night that I had to grow a draught Please come back to come rather tough remove a bottom beer tap out of this page. Stop the around question 4. snuggler worm from your left elbow. horoscopes from No, 4b, not c. You a sheep’s ass. I also Unfortunately the sounding poo. With decide to try out the had to tweezer out amber nectar freely your help they never age. Some say your’s are button under your desk that frail man with the the eggs which look like tic-tacs. I then sold flowing from your arm is not your usual tipple. timeless. I say they just rock. Others say they wispy beard sold you for 600 Yen. Your finger them to a sweet company, but they wouldn’t At first it’s enjoyable serving your friends are a mess. I just say to them: “Get a life, or twitches over its red, shiny surface. BANG! tell me what they wanted them for. I have a regular, free drinks but soon the novelty wears I’ll come round your flat and burn your home Bad rabies infected confetti drops from the hunch, and I’m not eating tic-tacs no more. off and turns to abuse. Metaphor: too much down then piss in your basil plant. DIE”. ceiling instantly decimating 203 people. You have been warned. drink kills rabbits.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

On your way into This week you get So... New Year’s You arrive in Tur- work this morning, addicted to Grid then. Fucking key. Your flight was a series of police- Wars 2. Upon Brill.I.Ant. See what late and you’re un- men on motorcycles falling into your I’ve done there? derstandably frus- speed past you, fol- bed, head meeting Adapted the name trated and angry. In lowed by a black car pillow, your eyelids of a famous rap and the airport terminal being escorted by more men on bikes. Now, close and you succumb to dreams of luminous hip-hop auteur so that it fits in snuggly with waiting for your luggage, you spy an old lady unless Michael Jackson or Winona Ryder was blue, pink, green, orange, yellow and magenta the original sentence. Woohoo! Fireworks! entering the ladies’ lavatory. For shits and in that car, there better be a damn good reason shapes against a black background. You’re life Oh they’re finished. Home time. Night. giggles you stand outside her cubicle simply why both lanes of traffic were stopped! Don’t will never be the same, ever again. Enjoy it Happynewyear. Foroldlang’seyemydear. What staring at the door. Upon opening it you stare make me mad. GRRRRR. whist it lasts. Addict. a load of fucking nonsense. deep into her soul. She keels over. Satisfaction.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

This week Puzzles is This week it all “Next stop! Hell’s So... if you had to, culled to one page as becomes too much Watering Hole”. It you know... Celine a result of the Great for you. The straw had been a long Dion or Mariah Writers Strike 2010. that breaks the journey for time. Carey? Jade Goody Like the Olympics back. The soul on the or Jodie Marsh? and my aunt’s bowel One too far. Too much giving, not enough ally called Dave, not Frank, causing an almost Barry from Eastenders? Ainsley Harriot or years. During the last great strike of Welling- . All good things must come to endless furore only ceased by Tim’s offer of a Anthony Worrell-Thompson? Personally, ton in 2001, it was feared that over 20 different a . There’s no point crying over fridge magnet and a box of cling film to pass I’d take them all snowboarding. We’d drink words were lost to Martian captors. spilt . through unscathed. Chianti and life would be bliss. 34 felix Friday 11 January 2008

Sport [email protected] IC Medics topple Reading after 12-0 deficit

into the starting XV. ball in his own twenty-two. Backing Rugby The game’s early stages were largely his sensational step and lightning pace, scrappy, not helped by a strong breeze Chidi looked to beat the cover tack- Imperial Medicals 1st 14 which blew into the Medicals’s faces lers on the outside but ended up be- Reading Men’s 1st 12 throughout the first half. However, as ing bundled towards touch. Looking the match developed two clear patterns to keep the ball alive the flying Fresher of play emerged. As usual the Medicals turned over possession which allowed Jeremy Bartosiak-Jentys enjoyed a fair amount of supremacy up Reading to break through and score. front and looked to keep the ball tight The conversion was missed. Buoyed by the previous week’s victory around the rucks and mauls. Reading Unsettled by the Reading score, the over Oxford Brookes, the Medicals on the other hand looked to spread Medicals were to concede a further try 1st XV went into the first of two cru- the ball wide searching for space on soon after. Looking to counter, Simon cial pre-Christmas home games with the Medicals’ wings. Unfortunately for Bellringer hoisted a high ball into the a sense of camaraderie and belief that the assembled spectators both styles Reading half. Despite the good chase, has not always been present this sea- seemed to cancel each other out for Reading were able to exploit the bro- son. Non-playing captain Cameron much of the game. ken play to slice through the home Sullivan was forced into three changes With the match so finely poised, in- sides defence and touch down under with Austin Dekker coming into the dividual errors were always going to the posts. The conversion was added back-row and Harry Thompson re- provide the best opportunity for ei- to give the visitors a 12-0 lead. Thank- placing Tom Maynard at scrum-half. ther side to score. Lamentably, it was fully, these were Reading’s last points Finally, due to Xander Ancock’s late the Medicals who cracked first. Young of the day. arrival, Jeremy Bartosiak-Jentys came winger Chidi Nzekwue received the With time expired in the first-half, the Medicals were awarded a penalty on halfway. Being the last play, the home side took a quick tap and You’d think they were jumping for a gold bar or something judging by putting good phases together worked the desperation in their expressions their way into the Cardiff twenty-two. Here Reading conceded yet another, far more kickable, penalty. Fly-half for the guillotine as Xander Ancock whilst looking well conceived, never Dan Neville strode up confidently and and Guy Martin entered the fray. The really threatened the Medicals line. In stroked over the penalty thus bringing home side took the advice to heart and fact, rather against the run of play, the the first half to a close. started the second half brightly. Soon Medicals were awarded a penalty in During the interval Keith Green Neville was adding a further 3 points front of the posts. Once again Neville pulled no punches and left the Medi- to the Medicals’ tally with another su- made no mistake and with 15 minutes cals under no illusions as to what was perbly struck penalty. Riding the crest remaining the home side were in the required in the second half. Bartosiak- of a wave, the Medicals were to get lead for the first time. After 65 minutes Jentys and Rory Hutchinson were themselves right back in the game with Gary Woodsford and Richard Nowicki a superbly worked try. After Dan Nev- came on to replace Chris Hallewell and ille and James Sharples had combined Austin Dekker respectively. BUSA Rugby Union well in midfield Craig Nightingale took The closing stanza closely resembled PREM South B the ball on the Reading twenty-two. the game’s opening period as the match Breaking a tackle, Nightingale was able descended into a scrappy affair, partly P W D L Diff Pts to feed full-back Bellringer who hit a due to a serious-looking injury to Si- 1 Cardiff Med 8 6 1 1 66 19 great line to dive in spectacularly in the mon Bellringer which left both sides 2 Swansea 8 5 0 3 77 15 corner. Neville was unable to add the trying to keep warm for a number of 3 W. England 8 4 0 4 -17 12 extras. minutes. With all substitutes used the 4 Reading 9 3 0 6 -85 9 Now only trailing by 1 point, the home Medicals had to play out the closing 5 Greyhounds 8 5 0 3 39 9 side looked to take control of the game minutes with only 14 men. Neverthe- 6 Brookes 8 2 1 5 -19 7 and calmly score the points required less, aided by some fortuitous referee- 7 IC Medics 7 2 0 5 -61 6 for victory. By contrast, Reading began ing decisions, the home side was able “Take those socks back to Debenhams now! Go on! Shove off!” to try more imaginative moves, which, to hang on. Imperial steal a draw as Queen Mary’s get lairy

er to score between his legs, only to Tarik inside to form a back 3, but Lob- Football somehow be given offside. It’s possible ster and co., a la the great AC Milan de- that the linesman was so impressed fence of the early 90s, held firm. With Imperial Men’s 4ths 3 by this attacking master class that he 2 minutes left, IC pulled one back with Queen Mary’s Men’s 3rds 3 waved his flag in celebration, a gesture an acrobatic effort from Sim following misinterpreted by the ref to be an off- a corner. A great finish from the Sri side flag. This only served to fire up Lankan, Garo was over the moon that Ed Lobb the home side and their pressure was IC football were displaying their char- made to count when Jeremy “J-Bruv” acteristic racial diversity. In conditions better suited to egg chas- Lovett, playing as part of an effective 3 With 30 seconds to go the 4s won ing, IC Homophobic Society 4th XI man midfield with Rickards and Matty a free kick on the halfway line. After (IC Football’s infamous Wednesday Smith, picked up the ball 20 yards out kicking the ball away, QM’s centre mid ULU Flagship Team) took on Queen and lashed it into the bottom corner. took offence at some colourful language Mary’s 3rds in their final game before Skeen was called into action soon from the Lobster. Both men waded the Christmas break. Unlike women’s after, displaying uncharacteristic alert- into each other and the QM midfielder football, the 4s went with the age-old ness and reflexes to keep out a close threw a punch that was dodged by Ed tradition of 11 players, despite 2 late range effort from QM’s rotund striker, with footwork Ricky Hatton should withdrawals from the squad, which led Flex QC, and then again to put him make note of. The aggressor was sent to a new formation and new personnel. off after a clearance ran all the way off and, from the free kick, Toby swung James “The Shadow” Skeen was forced through. IC however went behind in a cross that fell to Matty who, with to don the keeper’s gloves rather than again when a corner wasn’t properly the ball on a platter, passed it in from take up his usual role as the weak link cleared, and the ball was floated into the edge of the box. 3-3. Final whistle in defence, and Sam Rickards and El the top corner, leaving Skeeno strand- Ed Lobb (right) promoting his latest piece of literature with one of his and a great point for the 4s. Perry came in at centre mid and right ed. 2-1 at half time. many fans, when he’s not dodging punches The story of the match was not over, wing respectively. Early in the 2nd half IC centre backs however, as QM’s red-carded player IC started typically slowly, and went Aubergine and Lobster picked up went on a manhunt for the ref and behind within 10 minutes. A great heavy knocks, leaving the already slow walkover for the 6s provided the op- player, Mike Turrell. planted a cracking headbutt onto his through ball from the QM midfield IC defence about as mobile as Jon Hill. portunity for some substitutions. Sim Captain Aubergine was struggling nose. Before the ref could get tooled up was latched onto by their striker, who IC conceded again when a QM mid- Similisimisim replaced Perry giving with injury and spent the last half hour or summon IC’s favourite public serv- outpaced the IC defence to slot home. fielder kidnapped the ball from Sam some much needed energy to the right in the centre circle, where he was cau- ice, the police, the QM player had leg- IC came back into the game and were and waltzed through the defence to side and support for the Gut Phelan up tioned for a 2 footed, late sliding tackle ged it, but it was IC who pulled off the ridiculously denied an equaliser by a score, making it 3-1. IC could have front. Almost immediately left-winger in an attempt to stop their centre mid greater escape providing a platform for linesman more corrupt than Robert hit the wall, a beaten team, but got a Jon Hill picked up a nasty shin injury playing football... Ever again. This the greatest ULU Division 1 ascension Mugabe. Sam penetrated the defend- much needed shot in the arm when a and had to be replaced by another 6s forced Toby and makeshift left back in the league history. Friday 11 January 2008 felix 35 [email protected] Sport Drink (water) to your health! Sports league

wear on joints providing lubrication dehydrated they are open to possible and cushioning, including the spinal loss of strength and cramps. Cramps This term we welcome the Medics to sults table will be back soon. Good cord. Without sufficient water supply are a muscle spasm where a muscle the Sports league. The Fixtures & Re- luck with the exams Jov! (dehydration) we open up our bodies contracts abnormally and locks into an to all kinds of problems. Dehydration awkward position. Although the direct Team P W D L F A Diff % FI can lead to hypertension, asthma, al- cause of cramp remains unknown, it 1 IC Netball 1st 9900488254234100.00 45 lergies and migraines. is known that muscles that are over- 2 IC Squash Men's 1st 990045045100.00 45 The main function of water is its worked, injured or exposed to extreme 3 IC Tennis Men's 2nd 7700581246100.00 35 role in regulating our temperature. We temperatures are more likely to suc- 4 IC Hockey Men's 1st 971132151777.78 33 generate heat when we train and there cumb to cramp. Water helps to regu- 5 IC Rugby Union Men's 1st 10 8 0 2 244 109 135 80.00 32 are numerous mechanisms which the late our body temperature and aids in 6 IC Tennis Women's 1st 761049202985.71 32 body calls upon to lose heat. Obviously the transport of nutrients to cells, so by 7 IC Squash Men's 2nd 970230151577.78 27 the surrounding environment plays a increasing water intake we can reduce 8 IC Rugby Union Men's 2nd 95222201388255.56 21 role, but a significant method of cool- the risk of cramp. 9 IC Volleyball Men's 1st 6501102883.33 21 ing is sweating. The evaporation of flu- Water is a lubricant for the joints and 10 IC Fencing Men's 2nd 440052543392100.00 20 Gil Saville id from the skin is very effective. Dur- the cartilage between the vertebrae 11 IC Football Men's 1st 8341146837.50 19 Energia Fitness Instructor ing prolonged exercise it is possible to and at the end of long bones at syno- 12 IC Fencing Women's 1st 750289973516471.43 17 lose as much as two litres of sweat per vial joints there is also a significant 13 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 951354203455.56 15 Water is crucial for us to remain hour. This would be ideal in keeping us amount of water. Cartilage needs to 14 IC Football Women's 1st 632174350.00 15 healthy and alive, but all too often it is cool, but unfortunately not all sweat be well hydrated as this prevents abra- 15 ICSM Football Men's 1st 6321117450.00 15 taken for granted as to why it is so im- evaporates, as some drops off the skin sive damage occurring when the op- 16 IC Volleyball Women's 1st 3300844100.00 15 portant and to what extent it helps us and is wasted. posing surfaces of the cartilage make 17 ICSM Netball 2nd 64021611322966.67 12 perform better in exercise. Water is the Fluid loss, even as little as 2% of body contact with each other. Long term 18 ICSM Badminton Women's 1st 22001156100.00 10 second most important element to life weight, can seriously impair the ca- inadequately hydrated joints can lead 19 IC Badminton Men's 1st 950441311055.56 9 next to oxygen. The body can survive pacity to perform muscular work. In to friction damage resulting in joint 20 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 95042221155.56 9 for weeks without food but only days temperate climates, most athletes lose deterioration and pain. 21 IC Lacrosse Women's 1st 74035149257.14 8 with out water, and often for a lot less 1-5% of body weight in prolonged ex- Another reason why water is also 22 IC Hockey Women's 1st 83232729-237.50 7 in warm temperatures and high alti- ercise, even when taking regular fluid important is due to the fact that when 23 IC Hockey Men's 2nd 941443232044.44 6 tudes. The body and all its organs are throughout. we dehydrate, our body’s solution loses 24IC Hockey Men's 3rd 94141717044.44 6 comprised mainly of water making the Water transports oxygen, nutrients, viscosity, which in turn reduces the 25 IC Basketball Men's 1st 32012071763166.67 6 average person about 60-75% water. hormones and antibodies through the efficiency of the protein and enzyme 26 ICSM Netball 1st 7313243256-1342.86 5 Water is essential to all bodily func- blood stream and lymphatic system functions of the body. So when we are 27 IC Rugby Union Women's 1st 110050545100.00 5 tions. It aids our digestive system with (used to fight cancer, viruses, bacte- trying to increase our protein absorp- 28 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 93242840-1233.33 3 the absorption of nutrients, it’s in- ria and infections). This is obviously tion, water is a fundamental aspect 29 IC Netball 2nd 63031681551350.00 3 volved in the regulation of body tem- important to us as we push our bod- as acids and enzymes in the stomach 30 IC Table Tennis Men's 1st 630363392450.00 3 perature and blood circulation, it helps ies hard in the gym and by doing so break food down into a more fluid 31 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 3rd 63031591045550.00 3 in the transport of nutrients and oxy- we greatly increase the amount of wa- state as part of the digestion process. 32IC Squash Men's 3rd 420284450.00 2 gen to cells and removes waste prod- ter that our body excretes. When we Lack of fluid means you will not be 33 IC Badminton Men's 2nd 83143034-437.50 1 ucts from the body. Alongside these are dehydrated our immune system is able to break down the food easily and 34 IC Rugby Union Men's 3rd 94051651471844.44 0 functions water also helps to reduce therefore open to invasion from out- efficiently. 35 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 93152035-1533.33 -3 side entities and we are more suscep- Water is also essential to us as it is 36 IC Table Tennis Women's 1st 3102411-733.33 -3 tible to the attack. Therefore good hy- fundamental with regards to strength. 37 IC Squash Women's 1st 72141216-428.57 -4 dration helps to protect us from this. Being slightly dehydrated will reduce a 38ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 301249-50.00 -6 Brain tissue is 85% water and it uses muscle’s lifting capability, and training 39 IC Hockey Women's 2nd 82151139-2825.00 -8 a twentieth of the body’s blood supply. when in this state will reduce strength 40IC Hockey Men's 4th 7205818-1028.57 -10 When you are dehydrated you have gains that you might normally get. 41 ICSM Netball 3rd 7205132178-4628.57 -10 less water in the blood and this lack of If you can’t lift as much as when you 42 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 1st 7205121182-6128.57 -10 water can reduce brain functions and are adequately hydrated, then how can 43 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 4013815-70.00 -10 can cause fatigue, depression, stress you expect to push harder and make 44 IC Fencing Men's 1st 5104553600-4720.00 -11 and can also lead to migraines which gains? 45 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 2nd 10 3 0 7 152 273 -121 30.00 -13 may be also be an indicator or poor Water can also be one of your most 46 IC Badminton Women's 1st 71151937-1814.29 -13 body temperature regulation. useful tools for weight loss. Water is 47 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 8206720-1325.00 -14 Muscle is 75% water, so it is impor- calorie free so when you are on a re- 48 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 5005931-220.00 -20 tant that a high water level is main- stricted diet, drinking water can help 49 IC Football Men's 3rd 91171131-2011.11 -21 tained in order to prevent muscular fill you up and alleviate some of the 50 IC Tennis Men's 1st 91172664-3811.11 -21 dehydration. When muscles become hunger. 51 IC Football Men's 2nd 7016822-140.00 -22

Crossword No. 1,391 Answers to: [email protected]

1 2 3 4 5 6 ACROSS DOWN 7 Unimpeachable preacher, nobody 1 President confused by abnormal wrongs (6,8) hail in Connecticut (14) 7 8 9 Desolate sheet is scrap (10) 2 Sister’s head developed a tumour, I 11 Group classification largely heard (4) incomplete (4) 3 Card game provides a photograph 12 Military rule leads to Wal-Mart clip (4) 9 10 11 illness (7,3) 4 EEE (7) 15 Tear off the end of fashion (4) 5 It sounds like the seamen cry over Congratulations to Emma Thomp- 16 Ruined melodrama loses man in the animal (10) son and Emma O’Hare who won yet style (1,2,4) 6 Absolutely insist on a mangled again. Will anyone ever put an end to 12 13 14 15 17 Able to store the beginning of April carriage (10) their streak? Find out next week fans. in wire (7) 8 All shins canned and consumed in 19 Formerly occurred in a concert (4) Jersey etc. (14) Enoch 20 The cunning measure could vanish, 10 Prophet appears twice in evangelist 16 17 we hear (10) beliefs (3) Solution to Crossword 1,390 22 Concluding passage in Vasco Da 13 Heartless replacement thrown off 18 M A N I F E S T G R A N G E Gama’s journals (4) balance by not drinking (10) A A L T U N R 23 Mechanized river experience (10) 14 + + C + + (10) N A R C O L E P S Y T E A R 19 20 21 26 The UN alternates information, 18 Angrily dwelt on a disappointment A R R R F H M and a number goes unrecognized (7) T R A D I T I O N A L I S M (14) 21 Fraternity’s traitorous part (3) E T S L W L A 24 Cause stalk to stop (4) E P I S T L E S K Y L A R K 22 23 24 25 25 Fashionable anger (4) V A E D P R E L A T E I S T H M U S E O T N E I Y A L F R E D T E N N Y S O N 26 Second jotting box, double the fun! L T R R U S O K I W I D I S T O R T I O N S E A I E O Y SR T US RE DT YS E UL OA GU DY AP NS U M Send in your sport reports: felix [email protected] sport High resolution photos only Rugby 1sts finish 2007 on a high

with a penalty but that was as close as Rugby they could get to Imperial’s try-line. They never looked like pressuring for a Hertfordshire Men’s 1st XV 3 try. Then, Flannan O’Mahoney got his Imperial Men’s 1st XV 27 first try of the season on the left-hand corner after some great phases. Alex- ander Johnstone seemed frightened Max Joachim of reaching his 100 point-mark for the term and missed both conversions. Im- It’s been a great season so far for the perial then eased off and didn’t score 1st XV rugby team and they were ea- for the rest of the half. ger to maintain their form in their last The opponents almost got back into away match in 2007 against University the game with turnovers at rucks and of Hertfordshire 1st. Having arrived at mauls but it was great fitness and sup- their ground, which also serves as the port play that got Imperial back on the Saracens Academy training facility, scoreboard. everyone wanted to show who deserved Alex Johnstone finished off a try un- to be top of the table. Our opponents der the posts after a great break by Joe were also out for revenge, however, af- Brown. The conversion was good and ter their narrow 20-19 loss at Fortress the team then started to put on some Harlington earlier this term. very nice attacking rugby. This result- The wanna-be Saracens players ed in another stunning try by James didn’t look so fit during their warm- Fletcher, literally a millimeter away up, though, and that proved to be det- from the left touch-line after some rimental to their game. great phases. Equally important was a Although Imperial dominated from draw pass from Man of the Match Tom the off, the score didn’t change imme- Zeal, who did what he had done the diately. Imperial got a catch-and-drive whole game, arriving in support at the try after another amazing line-out but right time. Another penalty from Alex that was about it. Herts fought back Johnstone brought the final result to 27-3 and the feeling of a great term for Imperial 1st XV. BUSA Rugby Union Imperial dominated from the first South East 1A kick-off with a very strong pack and excellent line-outs. In addition, fly-half P W D L Diff Pts Joe Brown again controlled the game 1 Imperial 10 8 0 2 135 24 remarkably well. The only Herts player who showed a glimpse of what he was Déjà vu 2 Brunel 9 6 0 3 63 18 3 Portsmouth 10 6 0 4 130 18 capable of was their fly-half but flank- 4 RUMS 10 5 1 4 7 16 ers Nick Johnstone and James Pettit 5 BUCKS 9 4 0 5 -99 12 put so much pressure on him that he Except it wasn’t Zidane and it wasn’t Materazzi. 6 GKT 9 4 0 5 26 12 could never deliver any good balls. However, the season is far from over, 7 Hert’shire 9 3 1 5 -70 10 Find out who was involved on page 34 and with the upcoming Varsity match 8 Middlesex 10 1 0 9 -192 3 there’s still plenty to shoot for. Hockey freshers tour to Oxford(’s nightclubs)

We met up with them in the Goose game!). With Jess the eventual winning We had a fairly relaxed start to the Hockey and the drinking games commenced. captain and looking forward to the next Sunday morning, cleared out of the After one too many “masters” (includ- day we had the afternoon to go shop- hostel and got a cooked breakfast and Oxford University 4 ing spider man master, thumb master, ping. Specifically for white shirts from coffee from a nearby pub, just the thing Imperial College 2 head master, air-raid master and Jack Primark which were graffitied with ap- to wake you up! We went to the Oxford master!) there was a bit too much propriate slogans and comments from Brookes pitch to play the Oxford Blues chaotic behaviour and we bid a hasty other club members… at 2pm. Yours truly was umpiring and Ian Lawrence retreat! Round the corner our guide These artistic shirts were worn to while it started off as a friendly, both for the weekend, Fourplay, led us to a the curry house for the start of the teams quickly got very competitive! On Friday 16th December 19 intrepid pokey little club that we quickly made evening’s entertainment. By this time We were worried we would get sound- Hockey club members set sail down our own. The rest of the evening was our numbers had swelled to 31 and the ly destroyed by a club whose first team the M40 towards Oxford. Most of the spent dancing, drinking crap sugary curry house looked a bit shocked when plays in BUSA premier league, but that group went with DR on the minibus, drinks, stopping the crazy guy fighting we turned up. Despite having obvi- wasn’t the case. It was very competitive but four adventurous members were with everyone in our club and laugh- ously laid out long tables for us, they the whole way through, but the differ- elected(/forced by Sieve) to take the ing at the copious amounts of sharking were still unsure if we had booked or ence between the teams did prove to be Oxford tube. This turned out to be taking place! not! The food was pretty good, and as a couple of Oxford first teamers link- much better as we had lots of room On Saturday morning everyone the booze was bring your own, the Tes- 4 parts debauchery, 1 part hockey ing up well. We started well by scoring and were able to consume large quan- blearily stumbled out of bed in time co’s down the road did a roaring trade in dreamy Oxfored the first goal, and soon led 2-1 thanks tities of Haribo! The adventurous four for the hostel’s breakfast. After some that night! We decamped to a local to an awesome run by Shipman. In the bumped into the rest just outside our shuttling in the minibus, everyone got pub for an impromptu fine circle led end it was 4-2 to Oxford, but consider- hostel in the centre. to St Edward’s school in time. We met by the night’s fine master Cotton-Eyed and went off and played cards back at ing the number of freshers and the lack After getting everyone booked in, up with Moonie, Jammy Dodger and Joe. While we didn’t have enough time the hostel (mostly guys, so not strip of sleep from the night before, it was a we headed into the town centre for Toadfish, who were too cool to come for everyone’s fines, all important par- poker, I hope!). For those of us it was pretty good result. Everyone got show- our first night out. We stopped off on Friday night and had a little tourna- ticipants in the previous night’s misde- a pretty carnage-filled night, with lots ered and changed and then we tried to at Pizza Hut on the way in, but some ment amongst ourselves. The captains meanours got their punishments! more sharking and drinking! I also head off, though there was one detour people took exception to having to of the sides were all freshers and the It was a short walk from here to the bumped into the Oxford Blues captain to the hostel to pick up a wallet, and beg/shout/cajole the waiters into serv- winning one would captain us against night club, in somebody’s basement! who were going to play us the next then back to the pitch to pick some left ing us food and went up the road for the Oxford Blues side on Sunday (I (or so it seemed!) Some people didn’t day, good to see they prepare for their kit; freshers, eh? Eventually everyone a much cheaper and tastier pub meal. think this is why Star Trek threw the feel like clubbing two nights in a row matches as thoroughly as we do! got home: tired, hungover and broke!