Music Clubs & Societies Muse at Wembley Polo panto

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 e student newspaper of Imperial College

No. 1,366 • Friday • 1 December 2006 • ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk Sir Richard: Discussing police tactics post-7/7 I’ll give £10k EMERSON VIGOUREUX Rector offers £10,000 for student hardship funds if a student runs the London marathon for Imperial College

Andy Sykes The Union approached the Rector IC’s funding drive to celebrate the Editor-in-chief to discuss this possibility, which 100th anniversary of the founding of was met with a flat refusal by Sir Ri- the College. These are the Central At the first Rector’s Forum meet- chard’s office. John Collins, Union Library redevelopment, student ing with the Union’s Executive, Sir President, told Felix that the Rec- hardship funds, and the Beit mas- Richard revealed that he would tor believed that this would “dilute terplan (for redeveloping the Un- give £10,000 to a Centenary project the College’s brand”. ion buildings). It seems likely that (likely to be student hardship funds At the Rector’s forum on Wednes- the money from the Rector will be or the Beit redevelopment) at the day, the issue was raised by the funneled into the student hardship College if a student would run the members of the Executive. Sir Ri- funds. London marathon with the official chard, appearing to be somewhat The Rector’s first forum with the blessing of the College. frustrated with the matter, made Executive also led Sir Richard to This surprise declaration comes the generous offer when it pointed make one of his trademark outspo- after Sir Richard snubbed Trevor out that a lone student running for ken statements; in this case, it con- Philips, the head of the Commission the College would never be able cerned the possibility of removing for Racial Equality (CRE) and a to make the same amount of mon- the cap on top-up fees. Sir Richard former IC student, who had offered ey from sponsorship that Trevor spoke strongly against it, saying: to run for the College and donate Philips could, simply saying: “I’ll “You can’t take the cap off, that’s an all money he made through spon- give them £10,000, then.” absolute nonsense. You can’t allow sorship to the Centenary funds, on There are three Centenary 145 institutions to charge what they the condition that he could run for projects currently under consid- like, that would be a disaster.” another charity at the same time. eration for receiving money during Sir Richard proposed a different funding model, arguing as he has

VITALI LAZURENKO done many times in the past that the most able students should have a chance to attend well-funded ‘elite’ universities, saying that a student achieving good grades and gaining a place at a top university should trigger full funding for that student’s education – he called this “a damn good investment”. Sir Ri- chard focussed on the funding situ- ation for the top universities, imply- ing the development of a multi-tier system of higher education that al- ready exists in some countries. With the debate about top-up fees due to be reignited, and with The Union’s Chaplaincy arranged a meeting between members of the recent affiliation referendum the Metropolitan Police, the Police Authority and representatives meaning the Union will be joining from the Muslim community. The police were interested in being the NUS whose policy on top-up able to hear the views of students on the policing of London in fees has moved to being against the wake of the Tube bombings last July. Also present was Musa removal of the cap rather than the Admani, Imam of London Metropolitan University, who revealed abolition of fees, students may find on Newsnight last month that he had been threatened with death it reassuring that Sir Richard ap- by an ‘Islamic death squad’ from Imperial College. Imperial College’s Rector, Sir Richard Sykes, at an earlier meeting pears to be on their side. 2 felix Friday 1 December 2006

NEWS [email protected] Union governance changes NUS says lads’ mags approved by College Council should be covered up Nuts and Zoo should be placed behind the counter, says NUS

The National Union of Students has attacked so-called “lads’ mags”, calling them “overtly sexual” and that the content is “demeaning and degrading to women”. It has called on outlets on NUS-affiliated univer- sity campuses to restrict the maga- zines to take titles like Nuts and Zoo off the shelves and place them behind the counter. The magazines have also faced calls from MPs for them to be con- signed to the top shelves of newsa- The Governance Review being read for the first time at Union Council gents, alongside more pornograph- ic publications such as Readers’ Wives, and a number of supermar- The recommendations made by also be the ultimate body ruling kets have placed the magazines the Union Governance Review is on complaints against the student within ‘modesty covers’ to obscure now part of the the Union’s con- media. them from casual browsers. Sains- stitution, having been approved The other key change is the split- bury’s is the most high-profile su- by the highest body in College, the ting of the Student Activities Com- permarket to have adopted these College Council. mittee, the body that deals with all covers, saying it acted after com- The proposals have been a pet clubs and activities, into two halves: plaints from costumers. project of John Collins, Union the Representation and Welfare The NUS National Women’s Of- President, who set up a number of Board, and the Clubs and Societies ficer, Kat Stark, said that the Na- working groups consisting of ex- Board. The aim of this seems to be tional Union of Students fully sup- hacks, current hacks and sabbs to to make welfare a more important ported the moves by supermarkets review the way the Union is run. issue than it had previously been to reduce the visibility of the maga- The most notable of the changes under the SAC. zines to consumers, adding: “Most enacted is the introduction of an- A number of other committees of their content is demeaning and other committee at the top level have been amalgamated, disband- degrading to women. NUS is there- of Union governance, called the ed or renamed, including the re- fore keen to see them relegated Court. The Court’s role is to rule placement of the unpopular Trad- from the top shelf to behind the on disciplinary matters, including ing and Retail Committee being shelf throughout university outlets election complaints. This should replaced with a number of ‘forums’ as well.” The policy is voluntary, she hopefully eliminate the partisan- that interested parties may attend insisted, though some unions had ship normally involved when Coun- to discuss the issues directly with taken it up: “NUS is pleased to re- cil discusses election complaints. the staff involved. port that a few unions have already The Court will be staffed by life Lastly, the Permanent Secretary, made the move to keep particular members of the Union, along with head of the Union staff, will be re- ‘lad mags’ behind the counter, and current members of the Union. named Union General Manager, we are supporting women’s officers No current officers will be eligible reversing the change made by ex- all over the country to lobby their One of the lads’ mags the NUS wants to move behind the counter to sit on the Court. The Court will President Mustafa Arif. unions into following suit.” The policy has faced criticism and ridicule from some. At Leices- Zoo target readers who are aged 18 than 200 signatures. ter University, where the union has to 26, a good proportion of who are With the recent referendum Do you know something that’s happening around introduced the ban, the editor of at university,” said Mr Goodwyn, meaning that ICU will affiliate to the the student newspaper, Tom Good- adding: “Having to buy them from NUS, it is up to the pro-NUS group the College or the Union? Tell us about it! wyn, has expressed dismay that the behind the counter is a bit dirty old to decide if this is a worthwhile use NUS has dictated what magazines man-ish.” An online petition against of the affiliation fee, and whether Contact [email protected] the outlets can stock. “Nuts and the ban has already gathered more the ban should be introduced here. felix 1,366 Friday 01.12.06 yawn... science birds in dresses innit “When researchers at the Universi- “The Christmas season is officially ty of Stirling are pre-occupied with upon us. Which means buying a identifying the key features of the pretty dress going out and getting ‘perfect comedy face’, as reported drunk in celebration of the birth of in the Times, it is clear that some Jesus Christ.” science is bonkers.” PAGE 18 PAGE 4 d1e n3rds ROFL n00ks and stuff, w00t “What’s worth taking a look at this “Why have nuclear weapons ? For a season, and what should be left un- developing country, they represent til the January sales of 2009? You a stab at rising to the global stage can find our genre-by-genre run political stage, a chance to prove down of the best games for Christ- brilliant scientists, and an effective mas 2006 right here.” internal propaganda tool.” PAGE I’M NOT TELLING J00 PAGE 5 bondage, hahaz Anton J 0wnz0rs This week’s Coffee Break stars the “Every time I read your horoscopes p0rky + b3ssy new, gadgetless, extremely metro- they make me crack up so. More! “The new production at the Savoy sexual James Bond. Gone are the Double horoscopes!” We’re free Theatre seems to be billed as Ger- days when he would leave a wom- Antoine, soon we will rule the shwin for beginners.” an gasping for breath in bed Image and word association you dumb moron world! Bwhaha! PAGE 7ISH PAGE 15 PAGE 007 – I’D HIT IT PAGE 27 – GO THERE IMMEDIATELY. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT Friday 1 December 2006 felix 3

NEWS [email protected] LSE students halt talk by BP chief A public lecture by Peter Sutherland, Chairman of BP and future Chairman of LSE, was halted by students angry over his appointment as LSE Chairman and alleged human rights abuses by Mr Sutherland’s companies

David Ellis port Officers removed protestors. velopment of the school. News Editor The anti-Sutherland camp claims The student campaign against that in his position as Chairman of Mr. Sutherlands appointment be- LSE students halted a public lecture BP, Mr. Sutherland has been respon- gan after student governors raised to be given by Peter Sutherland, the sible for environmental and human objections at the Court of Gover- Chairman of BP, Chairman of Gold- rights abuses. These are said to in- nors meeting that ratified the ap- man Sachs and UN Special Repre- clude the Prudhoe Bay Alaskan Oil pointment. Despite the objections sentative for Migration. Spill, where BP spilled 265,000 oil raised a unanimous vote, in which Mr. Sutherland was due to deliver barrels after being fined in 2002 for student governors were allowed to a lecture on “Europe’s Place in the illegally failing to install a leak de- vote, ushered Mr. Sutherland into World in the 21st Century”. Just tection system promptly; the Baku- the Court in March 2006. A state- as the event was about to begin 15 Tbilisi-Cehyan (BTC) Oil Pipeline, ment from LSE said: “The Court of students from LSE entered the hall where BP’s contracts have over- Governors approved Peter Suther- and sat on the stage. They carried ridden social and environmental land’s appointment as chair in 2008 banners drawing attention to al- legislation and undermined human by acclamation. Student represent- leged environmental and human rights and similar infractions con- atives were on the Selection Com- rights abuses of Mr. Sutherland. cerning pipelines in West Papua, mittee, the Council and the Court, The students obstructed Mr. Colombia and the North Sea. and consulted throughout. Sutherland on his way to the po- The LSE Council comprises of lay, “Many LSE governors or Council dium and declared that they would academic and student members, members are involved with other stay until LSE held a student-wide all of whom are elected to their private and public businesses or referendum. Both LSE and Mr. positions. Its task is described as organisations, and would often Sutherland declined, and the event ‘overall determination of strategy’ declare an interest to colleagues, was promptly moved to a different at LSE. The role of the Court of but are still, of course, able to of- venue. Student press and protes- Governors is to receive reports fer their views on whatever subject tors were prevented from entering from the Council and the Director, might arise.” the new venue by LSE security, to appoint Directors of the School Mr. Sutherland is expected to take whilst Police and Community Sup- and discuss major issues on the de- over as Chairman in January 2008. A term as Chairman lasts three Students from LSE climb on the stage, interrupting the lecture years after which a second term is possible. The current Chair, Lord Grabiner, has been exceptional in broad coalition that want to make it tion fees. the position and has therefore been clear that we do not want someone A student spokesperson said: granted three terms. His third with Sutherland’s abysmal track “We also see it as another clear in- term is due to end in December record of human rights and envi- dication that the School is embrac- 2007 when Peter Sutherland shall ronmental abuses to be the figure- ing an increasingly marketised per- succeed him. head of our university. spective and increase tuition fees Howard Davies, Director of LSE, LSE is famed for it’s commitment even more. Our aim was to make it said: “My academic colleagues and I to social justice and human rights clear to Sutherland and the School are delighted that Peter Sutherland and this appointment contradicts that students oppose his appoint- has agreed to join us and, in time, our founding aims and ethos. LSE ment and the way it was made, giv- to take on the Chairmanship of the students protested over the ap- en that LSE has not listened to us. School. His background in public pointment of a director associated The appointment was railroaded policy and his business and inter- with racial segregation in the 1960’s through without any acknowledge- national interests match the LSE’s so similarly we are now protesting ment of our concerns. Tonight we profile remarkably well. We look against someone associated with forced them to listen to us and we forward to the School continuing to environmental degradation and hu- hope they will take notice.” prosper under his leadership.” man rights abuses.” James Caspell, a student rep- A petition was started immediate- Mr. Sutherland also has a formi- resentative on LSE Council said: ly after the appointment was made dable reputation in business; he “LSE used to be the home of social public and prominent student rep- has previously held the positions democracy, whereas now its busi- resentatives voiced concerns. The of Competition Commissioner for ness links are getting stronger and protestors aim to force Mr. Suther- the EU and Director General of the this sends a negative message to land to decline the Chair. World Trade Organisation. Some students who have not yet applied A spokesperson for the students students fear this will adopt a pro- but are put off by LSE’s increas- said: “Many students are dismayed business stance including meas- ingly marketised approach to social Police were called, who swiftly removed the protestors at this appointment and there is a ures such as raising the cap on tui- sciences.” Babar Ahmed loses fight to avoid extradiction Former IC staff member loses final appeal against his extradiction to the US for “running terrorist websites”

Andy Sykes tradiction treaty between the UK has been accused of setting up a and the US that allows the US to camp to train terrorists to fight A former employee of the College request extradiction of a person in in Afghanistan. He has also been has lost his legal fight to avoid be- UK custody without the need to pre- linked by US authorities to the in- ing extradicted to the US on terror vent the available evidence to a UK famous radical cleric, Abu Hamza. charges. court for consideration. A number US officials claim that the two plot- Babar Ahmed, who worked in Me- of British civil rights groups have ted to set up what they call a “ji- chanical Engineering, was arrested also attacked the treaty for similar had training camp” in the state of in August 2004 on charges of setting reasons. Oregon. up and administering websites that Mr Ahmed’s appeal was rejected The only legal route left for Mr were allegedly used to raise mon- on the grounds that it could not be Ahmed, Mr Aswat and their sup- ey to train Taleban fighters and proved that he would be treated un- porters is to appeal to the House Chechen rebels, as well as printing fairly should he be extradicted to of Lords. The judges ruling on the material that praised ‘holy war’ and the US. There has been widespread case are currently sitting to dis- incited murder. outcry at the US government’s cuss whether this appeal will be Mr Ahmed’s supporters claim use of “extraordinary rendition” allowed. that after being arrested, he was and allegations of torture author- The Union currently has a policy “brutally assaulted” by officers ised by officials within Bush’s of supporting Mr Ahmed, passed from the Metropolitan Police, and administration. at Council in December 2004 under was later released without charge. His case was ruled on at the same controversial circumstances and They also criticise the current ex- time as that of Haroon Aswat, who allegations of intimidation. Supporters of Babar Ahmed protesting in Central London 4 felix Friday 1 December 2006

SCIENCE [email protected] Scientific journalism is “boring” Does science in the media over-hype its results too much and has the real meaning of research been lost?

Colin Barras Goldacre complains that science come from…the extremist who will lead to new treatments for neu- is too often portrayed as “bonkers burns down farms in solidarity with rological disorders such as Alzhe- Ben Goldacre, the Guardian’s Bad and irrelevant.” When research- research animals. It comes from imer’s and Parkinson’s diseases.” Science columnist, is unhappy. ers at the University of Stirling are those [in Government] who claim This brings to mind the words of We know because he told us so, at pre-occupied with identifying the to respect the way science creates Neal Lane, former director of the great length, in that newspaper key features of the ‘perfect comedy knowledge, but who misinterpret, National Science Foundation: “Sci- last year. The science reported in face’, as reported in the Times, it is distort or ignore that knowledge.” entists [must] sell themselves to the media is “simplistic, boring, or clear that some science is bonkers, It’s disingenuous for Goldacre to the public to ensure that science just plain wrong.” Journalists gloss whether Goldacre cares to admit ignore the positive effects that the retains both public support and the over the scientific method behind it or not. Perhaps Goldacre fears media reporting of science can funding that goes with it.” This was new research (too boring) and in- that scientific investigation of this bring. clearly Dr Minger’s motivation too. stead choose to over-emphasise the calibre damages the public image Although Goldacre likes to im- After making the case for the ne- ‘groundbreaking’ conclusions. This of science. agine that scientists are misrepre- cessity of his research programme, isn’t how it was supposed to be! But But the reality of the situation is sented in the media, many scien- he’s quick to remind us, the public, are Goldacre’s concerns substanti- that the public image of science is tists, including Goldacre himself, that the success of his research de- ated, or is his complaint no more in no need of protection. There’s are regularly given column inches pends on successful grant applica- than a sanctimonious rant at the plenty of evidence that science is to peddle their own agenda. Writing tions to the HFEA. reporters who fight to spread the trusted and respected. And it’s the in the Times, Dr Stephen Minger, di- It should be clear that the man- word of science? I spent a week be- journalists, the source of Golda- rector of the stem cell laboratory at ner in which science is reported in hind the Times (and the Independ- cre’s ire, who do most to encour- Kings College London, put the case the press is far more complex than ent and Guardian newspapers) to age this respect. Alok Jha writes for his own research programme: Goldacre suggests. So, how best find out. in the Guardian, the same paper in “We are not mad scientists trying to interpret Goldacre’s polemic? Who better to ask for an assess- which Goldacre vented his spleen. to play God, just scientists seeking Paradoxically, it is perhaps that po- ment of science journalism than the Jha is a journalist who fights for a solution to the problem of creat- lemic, and not science journalism, scientists whose work is reported? science rather than against it: “The ing cloned embryonic stem cells by that is “simplistic, boring [and] just “Wherever the press folks inter- biggest threat to science doesn’t ‘therapeutic cloning’. This, we hope, plain wrong.” viewed the involved scientists and tried to present a balanced view, the coverage was decent,” Profes- sor Swaroop, of the University of Michigan, told me. He was referring to the media response to a paper he co-authored that appeared in Na- ture early in November. That paper detailed the successful transplan- tation of precursor cells into the damaged retina of a blind mouse. The precursor cells integrated and developed within the damaged reti- na. To put it crudely, the procedure allowed blind mice to regain their VOLUNTEERS NEEDED! vision. I’m not a cell biologist, and until reading this research I didn’t know Why not get active in the community whilst you’re at that ‘precursor cells’ are slightly more advanced than ‘stem cells’. Imperial College London? It doesn’t matter if you work or I doubt that the science journal- ists at the Times, Independent and study in Imperial - volunteering will have always something Guardian were aware of this dis- tinction either. But all of these writ- to offer you! We have over 250 volunteering opportunities ers recognised that this distinction was crucial to the researcher’s suc- in our database, so there should be a project for you. cess (because earlier attempts to integrate stem cells into the dam- aged retina were unsuccessful). It’s because I read these newspaper re- The easiest way to get regular updates about volunteering ports that I now know what a ‘pre- is by signing up to our mailing list. You will receive all the cursor cell’ is. Goldacre suggests that science latest opportunities on a weekly basis, directly to your journalists choose to dispense with just this kind of information in fa- email inbox. Simply send us an email, clearly stating that vour of over-promoting the impli- cations of the research. “Some of you want to receive the weekly news bulletin and we will what I saw was…hype,” admits Professor Swaroop. But from which do the rest! quarter did this hype issue? “We are now confident that this is the avenue to pursue to uncover ways of restoring vision to thousands Imperial Volunteer Centre who have lost their sight,” said Dr Robert MacLaren, one of Professor Linking Opportunities Swaroop’s colleagues, in the Guard- ian. In that article, the voice of cau- tion came from outside the science community: “It is important not to raise the hopes of people who have lost their sight until the results of [email protected] human trials become available,” said a RNIB spokeswoman. In fact, while scientists are keen 020 7594 8141 to distance themselves from hype, most realise that a little hype can www.imperial.ac.uk/volunteering be a good thing. In the 1980s, inter- feron was hailed in the media as a miracle cure for cancer. When the New York Times began to publish reports that were more cautious about its efficacy, it was criticised IMPERIAL VOLUNTEER CENTRE IN PARTNERSHIP WITH IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION Are these perfect comedy faces? by scientists who felt that such re- Is science portrayed as too porting could undermine public “bonkers” in the media today? support for interferon research. Friday 1 December 2006 felix 5

POLITICS [email protected] Iraq’s diplomatic disaster

Omar Hashmi disingenuous.” Politics Editor Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell said the Prime Since the recent American mid- Minister should now apologise for term elections, the debate on Iraq’s his actions. He added: “At long last Omar Hashmi future has been attracting progres- the enormity of the decision to take sively more attention. Every op- military action against Iraq is be- Politics Editor tion for the future of foreign troops ing accepted by the Prime Minis- in the war torn country has been ter. It could hardly be otherwise as am somewhat concerned considered. From immediate with- the failure of strategy becomes so this week why politics has drawal, to “phased redeployment”, clear.” descended into nothing but be it phased withdrawal or increase Rose Gentle, 42, from Glasgow, nukes, religion and war! How of troops, as well as approaches to whose 19-year-old soldier son Gor- interesting it is that after regional diplomatic initiatives to don was killed by a roadside bomb Ithe years of bloodshed in Iraq, the secure the non-interference of re- while on patrol in Basra in 2004, Bush administration is being diplo- gional powers, is being touted as echoed these criticisms. The moth- matically forced into being helped the wise and prescient course. er-of-three, a member of Military by powers it would rather not deal Last week, Iran’s supreme leader Families Against the Iraq War, said: with. To what extent are leaders of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said during “He’s made a fool of himself and he different nations to trust each oth- talks with the Iraqi president that may have admitted the war was a er? In the case of Iraq it seems that US troops must leave Iraq if security American soldiers in front of a defaced mural of Saddam Hussein disaster, but he is still too arrogant if it is left on its own, it will either is to be restored. In an efffort to re- to take any blame. This war should tear itself apart from the inside or establish local diplomatic ties, Iraqi never have happened anyway.” be torn from an external source. President Jalal Talabani, visited British policy in Iraq. His admis- displaced by the will of the minority Across the Atlantic the recent It would be worth the political the neighbouring power as the first sion that the violence since the fall for war.” seizure of power by the democrats ease for the US to give Iran some Iraqi head of state to visit Tehran of Saddam Hussein was “a disas- Opposition MPs, and relatives of both chambers in the mid-term slack and allow monitored urani- in almost four decades. This came ter” confirms what many have been of British soldiers killed since the elections is widely seen as a refer- um processing. No power is more after a recent summit meeting be- arguing for nearly two years. 2003 invasion, seized on the com- endum on Bush’s policy of Iraq. In responsible than the next when tween Iraqi President Jalal Talaba- The claim was made in an inter- ment as evidence that the Prime a post-election news conference, it comes to the power of total glo- ni and Syrian President Bashar Al view with the Arabic television sta- Minister had finally accepted that George Bush accepted that the vot- bal destruction. However, many Assad. In an ironic twist of events, tion Al-Jazeera in a programme his strategy in the Middle Eastern ers “registered their displeasure” still view Iran as an untrustworthy it seems that the US is consider- hosted by Sir David Frost where state had failed. Such comments fly at the way Iraq had gone wrong. power, whose views may be neo- ing to pursue regional security in he questioned Tony Blair about in the face of the many statements The President mentioned the Iraq expansionist in the immediate re- exchange for co-operation from the the West’s intervention in Iraq had and remarks, which have been ex- Study Group, under his father’s gion that it can affect. Also, it is not previous main “axis of evil” powers. “so far been pretty much of a dis- pressed, by both Downing Street Secretary of State James Baker, known how destabilised the region This may involve ceasing the threat aster”. The Prime Minister replied: and the Whitehouse that democra- several times. He is to meet it soon will be if any regional power starts of UN sanctions due to objections “It has, but you see, what I say to cy is working and Iraq will soon be and perhaps was hinting that he to abuse its obligations. to Uranium refinement for Iran, as people is why is it difficult in Iraq?... in place to take over its security. will take the Group’s recommen- My hunch is that Iran and Syria well as losing some heat from the It’s not difficult because of some But a Downing Street spokes- dations seriously. Prior to the elec- could do a damn good job of stop- investigation behind the murder of accident in planning, it’s difficult woman insisted Mr Blair did not be- tion defeat the neo-con policy of full ping the immediate blood shed as former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri because there’s a deliberate strat- lieve the violence in Iraq had been spectrum domination hollowed out well as maintaining some regional of Lebanon, as well as allegations egy - al-Qaeda with Sunni insur- a disaster. “He was simply acknowl- the sound of alternatives, however, stability. Political tricks, betray- off funding terror. gents on one hand, Iranian-backed edging the question in a polite way the realists have gained promi- als and assassinations aside, it is In his recent visit to Pakistan, elements with Shia militias on the before going on to explain his view,” nence with the mid-term victory (unfortunately) better to have all the Prime Minister Tony Blair was other - to create a situation in which she said. “To portray it as some and a new set of policies well may the bickering tyrannical powers in- dogged by continuing criticism of the will of the majority for peace is kind of admission is completely be on the horizon. volved rather than just one. Trident update Attack of the creationists

Chen Jimeng I opened up BBC News today with some interest to discover that What is the big deal about Trident? – praise be! – the Creationism lob- As the United Kingdoms sole nu- by are starting a fresh attack on clear deterrent, we have a right to this nation’s education. A group maintain it; to keep it running and going along the name of “Truth in ready to strike. Security is at the Science” have been sending out top of Britain’s agenda; supporting teaching packs including a manual America in a war crumbling at its and two DVD’s (although I bet that Truth In Science: Creationists aiming to promote “good science” foundations and seeping into the A Trident missile launch they’re nowhere near as good as glue that binds together Labour ‘Casino Royale’) to all secondary has attracted the worlds ‘terror- to halve its arsenal, but 2500 war- schools in the country, which con- literature in several languages”), would have stood up to this sort of ists’, with Bush and Blair the pro- heads overshadows that of North tain material promoting intelligent Maurice Roberts (“Minister of the baseless meddling? Erm, not quite. tagonists. And that doesn’t look like Korea’s and China’s, countries that design as an alternative theory to Inverness congregation of the Free Boris Johnson (he of floppy-haired its going to stop. Blair has already pose threats to America and Amer- evolution. Worryingly enough, 59 Church of Scotland”) and Gerard A. fame) in responding to a creation- initiated plans for a successor, al- ican allies. The American nuclear schools have written back saying Chrispin (“directs Daylight Chris- ist video sent to him called the de- though information is sparse. weapons are a negotiation tool that that they will teach the material in tian Prison Trust”). I’ll leave you to bate ‘quite right’ and derided the In all, the British trident com- cannot be neglected, arguably used class. make your own punch-line here. “wider agenda, which seeks to re- prises four vanguard class sub- to suppress the nuclear ambitions If you have a gander at their web- But it is scientific, really! The place the Judeo-Christian beliefs marines, each carrying approxi- of countries like Iran. site (www.truthinscience.org.uk) website also contains “Evidence for that underpin society with secular- mately 48 trident missiles, topped Why have nuclear weapons in the anyone with any awareness can Evolution” (Nurse! The screens!), ism” and is, apparently, a product off with nuclear warheads. These first place? For a developing coun- sense that something fishy is going analysing such famous cases as of “political correctness”. Indeed, cold war relics occupy the oceans try, they represent a stab at rising on. We are told first that Truth in “Darwin’s Finches”, which offered Darwin himself was famous for in undisclosed locations; a symbol to the global stage political stage, a Science aims to “promote good sci- the following conclusion: “They reading the Independent and eat- of the United Kingdom lurking in chance to prove brilliant scientists, ence education in the UK”, with “in- are a good example of micro-evo- ing Muesli for breakfast. Even our the corner of any protagonist’s eye. and an effective internal propagan- itial focus…on the origin of life and lution…This study does not give dear leader, Tony Blair, has no beef Official numbers remain confiden- da tool. The irony is that, in Britain, its diversity”; despite this rationale evidence for macro-evolution” and with the teaching of creationism; in tial, but conservative estimates the nuclear weapons program is this phrasing nestles alongside a how animals came about from “sim- an interview he praised a ‘diverse put Britain’s nuclear arsenal at one that is looked on with disdain. quote calling Darwinism “nihilis- ple single-celled ancestors”. (Read: school system’, which will “deliver around 200 missiles. Compare that So do we actually really need tic’. (Isn’t this choice of words ironic “We are not monkeys!”) Notice better results for our children”. to the US arsenal of approximately Trident? As a symbol that is turn- considering Darwinism concerns however they do not link to Dar- My faith (oh, the pun) in the 5000 warheads. But then again, the ing from one of power into one of the study of life? Just me then.) win’s ideas on how complex organs, system is still present mind; as I Americans are there to defend the tyranny amid fears of a global ‘nu- Moving on to the board of gover- such as eyes, evolved via small was wrapping this piece up news world against derivations of Marx’s clear meltdown’, maybe it is time nors, great lengths are undertaken mutations from simple skin-based emerged that Richard Dawkins, ideology; protecting freedom and to reassess our nuclear arsenal. to show off the academic back- receptors barely able to distinguish every Imperial student’s pin-up, is liberating nations. They need effec- Do we need a replacement nuclear ground of the governor board; how- colours to the massive machine we to launch a counter-think tank to tive weapons and deterrents. deterrent once trident, a historical ever this board is also host to Willis use to see with today. (Isn’t that’s “Prevent pseudo-science taking This is from a country that has relic, has lived its life? Or is it time B. Metcalfe (“A businessman with why it’s called evolution?) over in schools” and to subsidise signed the Nuclear Non-Prolifera- we grew out of nuclear weaponry a long career in agriculture and How could the situation have got buying of scientific material to be tion Treaty. America is taking steps altogether? publishing evangelical Christian so dire? Surely major politicians used in schools. Hallelujah! 6 felix Friday 1 December 2006 Comment&Opinion Extremism vs moderation? Halls Pierluigi Frison continues the debate on interpretations of historical events in reply watch to Saad Raja’s piece in last week’s Felix (Issue 1365)

am shaken by the article of modern Turkey, Bulgaria, Greece, cially Britain (with the largest Saad Raja in last week’s is- Romania, Ex-Yugoslavia, Hungary Empire in the world) now con- sue of Felix, celebrating the and so on…. The Orthodox Chris- demn Imperialism because they conquest of Constantinople. tian church of the Holy Wisdom supplanted undemocratic regimes According to him, with the (the symbol of Istanbul) was turned in weaker countries and replaced Iconsent of the European nations into a Mosque, parts of the popu- them with other undemocratic re- (who despised the brutal dictator- lation were enslaved, raped, and gimes, leeching the raw materials ship of Constantine XI), the di- murdered (it is true however that of the conquered lands. We do how- vinely inspired Muslim troops freed normally invading armies did much ever; celebrate historical events the city from the tyrannical grip of worse, Mehmet II however, did not like the victory of WWII by the al- Warden the Byzantine Emperor and estab- want to destroy his new capital). lies. On that occasion, democratic lished a fair and just regime. This Mr. Raja states that the Byzan- countries such as the US and the Chris Roberts interpretation of history is by my tine Empire helped the crusaders UK freed Europe and Asia from the understanding; clearly ridiculous, in conquering parts of the Middle grip of military dictatorships such I’m the Warden at Holbein and Pierluigi Frison completely biased and according East. But I would like to stress that as Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan Willis Jackson Halls – but rather to most of the world’s historians, the Muslim armies commanded by and Fascist Italy. Those battles than just tell you about my Hall, I wrong. I suggest to all the readers Mohammed himself and his suc- brought democracy back to people thought I’d use my column space to get informed by reading any ver- cessors conquered and completely like me; and are just to celebrate. I to talk about how Halls have sion of the facts that is neither bias colonised the Christian Kingdoms don’t think I would have been able changed during my time here. “I believe views from the point of view of the con- of today’s North Africa (e.g. the to come and study here if Italy was I’m lucky enough to have seen queror nor the conquered. Arab Republic of Egypt) and Mid- still a Fascist country. Mr. Raja, do Halls from all sides: as a student, like that of Saad When I read Saad’s article I was dle East. ‘How could a prophesized you really think that the Ottoman Hall Senior (aka re-app), sub- outraged. In my opinion, confirms Muslim army behave in such a Sultanate brought freedom and warden, asst. warden and finally Raja are a perfect the worst stereotypes of the war- manner?’ democracy to the people of Con- subwarden. Obviously Halls has mongering, completely biased In reference to the passage about stantinople? Perhaps you should changed a great deal since I microcosm of Muslims. I feel it is my duty, in the influx of people to the newly choose medieval history as a hu- came to university twelve years light of today’s conflicts, to stand conquered Constantinople, it is manities course here at Imperial. ago, subsisting solely on Fray the frictions up against this view type. I believe common belief that many important I agree with Samuel Lynas, what Bentos pies and Stella Artois for views like that of Saad Raja are a groups of people fled the new re- the Islamic society has done could my first year. between the perfect microcosm of the frictions gime, especially the educated peo- be the same as celebrating the con- Certainly the accommodation between the western and Muslim ple. The scientists for example fled quest of India by a British Empire needs of students have changed western and people. the country to pass on their teach- society. It can be argued that this – I started Uni at a time when And I quote: “This is why ‘Isoc’ ings to the west. Many immigrated event was a good thing; schools and grants were still available, and Muslim people” must be encouraged in their efforts to Italy, and with their knowledge infrastructure were built and Hin- cheap accommodation was an to highlight humanity’s struggle helped to cause the Renaissance. dus and Muslims weren’t forced to important factor. However, as against tyranny and not bow down The west has condemned the convert to Christianity. Yet we con- a warden I’m now often asked to the pressures of unqualified pseu- Crusades, in fact the Pope has apol- demn what happened. about the availability of single do historians”. It should be clear to ogised for it, but not because it was Last week’s article demonstrates and ensuite rooms in Hall. The EVERYBODY that especially in an act of unjustified imperialism, that aggressive Muslims are eve- focus seems to have shifted from the Middle Ages, troops from every but because it is unjust to kill peo- rywhere, even at the institute of affordability to comfort. part of the world committed massa- ple for religious causes. We need to excellence that is Imperial. That Also, Hall events often used cres when conquering cities. From be peaceful and respect each other. article shows that there are people to be ‘bargain basement’ affairs. historical records it is shown that Educated Muslims today have a around us who don’t believe in gen- Hall parties were very popular, the Ottoman armies established duty to be careful and to TEACH eral morality. It is people like you, with a vat of flat pink liquid dictatorship in the city of Constan- respect. Mr. Raja, who perhaps unknowingly optimistically called punch being tinople; other conquests included European countries and espe- encourage terrorism worldwide. served, whilst we satisfied the requirement for fancy dress by wrapping ourselves head-to-toe in toilet paper. Of course it’s a given that these events still take place, but the diversity of our Should we fear the veil or tolerate it? events has increased dramati- cally. We’re more likely now to be organising events like a trip To ban the veil or not to ban the However, the reality of it, as cov- “Is it fair to differentiate between a to a London superclub, a day veil? That is the question that many ered in the discussion, is far simpler veiled woman and a hooded bandan- out to Bruges or a Halal meal to European nations (and British uni- to understand than our fears will naed teen?” Who better to answer celebrate Eid. Halls culture has versities!) have unfortunately got have us believe. Why would an inno- this than the local priest conven- benefited immensely from the themselves bogged down tackling. iently sporting a hoodie in anticipa- increased diversity of residents Last week I attended a much need- tion of this topic, “If I was coming to- – it’s an excellent chance to ed open debate in my area of resi- “Is it fair to wards you on the street dressed as experience other cultures. dency (East London) with regards I am today, would fear cause you to Given that students’ needs to this issue. Whilst there were differentiate cross over? Not likely. What if it were are always changing, wardening no famous figures in attendance, a group of veiled women? Again, not teams rely on our Hall Seniors what the discussion did have was between a likely. What if it were a gang of teens? to steer us towards what our common folk representing a wide The reality is, unlike hooded teens, residents want. If your hall isn’t spectrum of the community sharing veiled woman hooded priests and veiled women organising events that appeal basic concerns. It was an event that do not have a history or reputation to you, or you want different Adil Hussain any multi-cultured society would be and a hooded of street-crime and theft.” Towards facilities, make sure that you’re envious of; a discussion in which the end, a consensus began to take letting the wardening team know many misunderstandings, fears bandanaed shape: A society forcefully dictating by raising it with us. We rely on and prejudices came to light to be that women should not wear the veil you to get things right. Better dispelled for good. teen?” cannot rightfully claim to be better still, get involved! The wardening One old lady, for example, stood than a society forcefully dictating team can help you organise an up, faced a veiled woman and made cent child, not yet subjected to the that woman should wear the veil. event and may even be able to an honest remark that epitomised prejudices and ill-founded beliefs And at this point, a comment was help with a subsidy…. the feelings of many in the room, “I of those around it, turn and flee at thrown out, “What about that man Although Halls have changed have lived in this area for seventy the sight of a simple black cloth? A who has been held in prison for the considerably since my arrival, years and the day your types turned young child knows that underneath last two years because he wants to I’m pleased to say that the funda- up I was terribly shocked... You the cloth is a person and people are walk around Britain naked?” mentals are still the same. Halls must really frighten kids that pass understood through interaction. Funnily, the room silently agreed provide a unique community you. How they do not turn and run a As the discussion of fear contin- to let the comment go without atmosphere which I still very mile I do not understand.” ued, the issue of hoodies was raised, response. much enjoy being a part of. Friday 1 November 2006 felix 7

COMMENT & OPINION [email protected] Wielding the Fun with John and Ron mighty organ Felix presents you with part of an exchange between our favourite comedy duo and their beautiful prize-winning pigeon known as Ted

“Wow, John! New tills at the Union! It’s them use these tills. That will improve about time they ditched those archaic ‘stuff’ around the bar. But what if it machines. I mean, manually adding up crashes; isn’t a Windows based system drinks prices?! That’s so risky; what unstable?” if they don’t carry the one? And talk “No, Ron, my slap-headed friend, Win- about slow. Imperial College students dows will never crash. I mean, come on, shouldn’t be expected to cope with that what do you expect? That the till in the much pressure; what if someone or- Union bar will crash 15 minutes before ders a round? Of different beverages?! the close of service on the first night the Andy Sykes God forbid they throw a pie or packet of freshers arrive? Don’t be silly, or else I nuts in that order as well. How will they will have to take your army toys away.” Editor-in-chief cope?” “Please, John, anything but that. I “I know, Ron, me old mate “one-for- wanna play soldiers some more. But ast week, I told you a little story about a man the-road-skip”! Let’s replace them with how can we justify the vast spending? called Ed Murrow. I also promised I wouldn’t computers. Ones that run off Windows. Do we have this sort of money?” Ted, the feral pigeon, yesterday weigh in on the argument about Islam that’s We can’t do that? Not technologically vi- “Indubitably, my good man. We’ll just been raging within these very pages for the able to replace humans with robots just get rid of some of the fat from here or last few weeks. I lied. yet? Fiddlesticks. How’s about buying there. Or we can offer them less pay.” on us now. After all, I’d drink there but I LMy position, to clarify, is that of the true atheist. I do some EPoS tills? Yeah that will make “You mean demote them?” wouldn’t trust any of them or say thank not believe in any form of supernatural power, whether everything a lot better. I mean, add- “No Ron! Bad, bad Ron! We don’t you at any time to them.” it be the fartherly God of the Christians or the God-in- ing up drinks prices in your head how use that word here. Its not a demotion. “Well John, why don’t you just ignore creation of the Deists like the Founding Fathers. 2005.” We’ll offer them the job as part of the them? Its worked for me. Hide behind The truth is that you cannot argue with the religious. “Great idea John, have you used one ongoing “Union Restructuring” to bet- our beloved staff-student protocol. All religion is based on a set of axioms; for the non-tech- before? Oh well, I’m sure we’ll find ter serve the students and get my name Whilst we push pencils in these offices, nical (hah!) among you, these are unproveable rules someone who has. Instead of adding mentioned.” they are only on the front line at mini- whose truth you take for granted. These axioms are laid prices up in their head they could make “*SQUAWK*” Ted interrupts. mum wage. I don’t respond to anyone down in the holy texts, and all religious observance is the customers wait whilst they trawl “What’s that, Ted?” asks John. “You who doesn’t earn above £7 an hour.” derived from them. Atheists, on the other hand, have a through multiple menu pages to find think that some of the bar staff might “What if all the old bar staff walk out, totally different set of axioms, from which they derive the drink they want then punch it in. be upset about that? The old managers Ron? Won’t we be left with amateur bar their ‘life rules’ in a similar fashion. Without a common Military precision! Why didn’t I think of were the best thing the bar had going staff that would likely waste more mon- set of axioms, you cannot argue with another person, as this before? But how long do you think for it? Ha! I have a steel pot in the un- ey than we save?” you will always strike the bedrock of each other’s argu- the customers would have to wait? We ion bar. That makes me better than any “You let me and my feather tickler ments: the unproveable axioms. have to justify the £20k price tag.” manager.” worry about that. Besides, I wholly con- The only way you can argue is if you choose to tempo- “Gee wizz, you’re right. Well how’s “Too true and silly buggers, John! sider them replaceable. What are one rarily accept one another’s axioms for the duration of about we give the bar plenty of time to Besides, they aren’t allowed to have or two ants in my vast army of prawns? the argument. That way, you can argue about the deriv- train their staff in their use over sum- an opinion. It says so in the staff-stu- “I like working with you, Ron. In fact, ing of religious observance or ‘life rules’ with a common mer? That way when the freshers move dent protocol. Why, just the other day I like the way the light shines off your ground. And herein lies the rub; those with religious in on Saturday 30 September 2006 it will I humiliated one of the serfs whilst he head.” belief will often refuse to accept another’s axioms, even all be ready to use!” exclaims John. was trying to change the TV station. I “And I, too, like the fact that you temporarily, because they the added weight of the “di- “So the Friday before then?” asks owned him! Yeeeeeeeeah!” haven’t started to shave yet, John.” vine word” behind them. In other words, because the Ron. “Err Ron, you might want to put your “Look away now, Ted, your Uncle Ron axioms are taken directly from the holy texts, which “Sounds good. What do you think Ted, shirt back on; it’s only midday, after all. and I have some important things to do are reckoned to be word of God, the axioms cannot be my prize winning pigeon?” We’ll get to that later. But you may be in my office.” wrong, and so to discard them would be sheer fallacy. “*SQUAWK*” responds Ted. right, Ted, my dear feral pigeon. We I’m not saying atheists are much better in this respect; “So it is agreed, John, we’ll make don’t want the part time staff revolting As overheard by Windy Forest. some of the more militant anti-religionists would believe their axioms, though again unproveable, are completely correct. Hence, the argument is nearly always completely meaningless. Alex, the Managing Editor, says that I’m being way too logical about it all, and reducing every- Felix says: “Bring back smoking!” thing to derivations and axioms in a meaningless fash- ion. I disagree, though you may not. That is all I’ll say on the matter, as I have no specific problem with Islam It’s bad enough back home in Scotland which outweighs the negative effects. any more than I have problems with every religion that that they wont let me light up anywhere. Im prepared to set aside my dislike of proports to be ‘the real truth’. I’d expect that people at a prestigious inhaling second hand smoke in return Lastly, I do support the recent rumblings to reverse institution such as Imperial to have a for not having to see some of my friends the smoking ban, at least in the Union bar. Those of you slighly more enlightened view. What leave the table at regular intervals. In that know me outside this rag may realise that’s for sort of wankers run this place?” short, the ban disrupts the atmosphere selfish reasons, but I think it prevents a happy medium I went on to explain that last year Un- and detracts from a good night out. The between, on one hand, those that wish to eat without ion Council voted to ban smoking and point is that it should be my choice as breathing fag ash, and those that crave nicotine. then followed up with some mutterings to how seriously I take the scaremon- And with that, I’m off to bemoan my personal troubles about “health Nazis” and “nannying.” gering from health fascists, not anyone in the bar over a pint (oh, the fairer sex and their border- “Ah Mr Brown, you’re just another an- elses. line psychopathic nature). Have a nice week. gry smoker who thinks it’s acceptable At the end of the day people are vot- Stephen Brown to belch out your poisonous fumes,” I ing with their feet. The Queens Arms hear you cry. Not true, im afraid. You have been doing a roaring trade ever Comment Editor could probably count the number of since ICU banned smoking. Where are cigarettes i’ve smoked in my entire life all the hordes of oh-so disgusted non- felix Last week I had the pleasure of enter- without taking your socks off. Aside smokers who didn’t previously attend taining my cousin. It’s always nice to from the libertarian argument about to make up for the lost custom? Most of Editor-in-chief Andy Sykes | Managing Editor Alex hear from family and I was delighted it being unfitting for our elected “rul- the people who use the bars would still Antonov | Deputy Editor Tomo Roberts | Science to receive a call from him asking if i’d ers” to pass judgement on our personal go regardless but a minority have been Editor Krystyna Larkham | Politics Editor Omar like to meet him for a drink in our Union habits, the reason that I am in whole- driven out as a result of mindless politi- Hashmi | Business Editor Michael Olymbios | Music once his meeting was finished. Catch- hearted agreement with my nicotine cal persecution. Editors Matthew Hoban, Jenny Gibson, Tom Whitson | ing up with him over a few beers should addicted cousin was summed up that Some might argue that even if we Film Editor Andrew Somerville | Arts Editor Emily have been the perfect way to end what Friday evening, its just plain annoying. scrap the ban it wont make much dif- Lines | Fashion Editor Sarah Skeete | Comment had been a very stressful week. All was I find it very frustrating that every ference as the government have plans Editor Stephen Brown | Environment Editor well until he reached into his pocket time im out with my friends that some for a nationwide ban. I’ve not read very João Vitor Serra | Clubs & Societies Editor Kirsty and produced a packet of cigarettes. I of them keep buggering off to feed their much on this proposal recently so i’d be Patterson | Copy Editors Jesse Garman, Edmund recoiled in horror. “You can’t smoke in addiction. I am fully aware that there prepared to wager that it is not one of Healey, Andrew Somerville | Sports Editors Alice here” I shrieked as he struck a match. I may be dangers associated with sitting their pressing priorities and is destined Rowlands & Mona Haghani went on to inform him that if he wished with smokers. Life is all about taking for the long grass. Felix wants to scrap to smoke he would have to leave the calculated risks. Given the somewhat the ban to end the harassment of a mi- building. flimsy evidence as to the effects of pas- nority of our students. I know smoking Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel 020 7594 He exclaimed “What? Thats absolute- sive smoking I have decided that al- is a bit minging, but I would rather go 8072. Fax 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Northcliffe Press, Northcliffe ly bonkers! I’ve been working hard all though it may not be good for me I think to the pub with the addicts as they’re a House, Meadow Road, Derby DE1 2DW. No 1,366, Friday 1 December 2006. day and now you’re saying that im not that having some decent, uninterrupt- hell of a lot more fun than people who Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2006. allowed a fag to accompany my pint? ed banter with my mates is a benefit support these illiberal measures. 8 felix Friday 1 December 2006 Letters to the Editor Islam outrage, new clubs, and NUS It seems you’re an angry little lot when you’re all riled up about something; here are your spleens, vented

strange way of asking questions, Samuel Lynas replies, In response to especially considering the fact that the Islamic Society is within such Mr. Afridi’s guess about the prov- Samuel Lynas’ easy reach. enance of my low opinion of Islam Lynas says, “I admit that it is un- is sadly mistaken. Does he really article about settling to ask these questions.” No, believe that the only reason Islam Samuel, we’re used to them. “But it generates more antipathy and Islam is suicidal not to ask them.” So why fear than Buddhism is some unex- didn’t he ask us? plained media bias? Would that it Dear Andy, were! Yours faithfully, As for Mr. Marikar’s puzzlement It was quite depressing to read the Mohammed Marikar that I failed to pose these questions article “Islam, Violence and the ICU Islamic Society directly to the Islamic Society, I Empires” (Felix 1364), which terri- must inform him that they were bly misrepresents the ICU Islamic not addressed to the Islamic Soci- Society. I’m sure you would have Dear Andy, ety. Rather, they were addressed to received e-mails about this, but I those non-Muslims who are start- would just like to make it known that I have read the article on the Islam- ing to wake up to the danger that Samuel Lynas did not approach the ic website. I read it for what it was: Islam represents to this country Islamic Society at all when writing a piece of historical information but have, as yet, an unclear grasp his article. concerning the life of a competent of the magnitude of the problem. As we were not even given the leader and general. I flattered myself that the Mus- opportunity of answering his ques- I would like to thank Samuel lim response to my article was tions it would seem that Mr Lynas Lynas for making me go to the something I could predict, and Mr set out to write an unbalanced arti- website and read the article under Raja’s article in last week’s Felix Any excuse to print this picture again; the impounding of Guildsheet cle from the start. contention. While I was doing so, I did nothing to disabuse me of this This may be standard practice read a few other articles on Islamic notion. It is a perfect example of for certain types of newspaper, but history and was amazed to find a Muslim apologism, and makes my I would like to think that the stu- totally alien aspect to Islam and its point for me quite succinctly. Per- Guildsheet, the Why is the dent newspaper of one of the best development throughout history. haps next week Mr. Raja could ex- universities in the world could do It made me realize how far it is plain away the millenia of slaugh- NUS campaigns library incredibly slightly better. Indeed, there are from being the “psychotic death- ter, enslavement, rape, pillage, and plenty of opportunities on campus cult” that the modern media has genocide committed by Muslims in and fools hot in winter? to talk to your average Muslim and convinced people like Mr Lynas to the Indian sub-continent, Africa, find out what we believe, and what believe. Spain, the Balkans, the Middle Dear Andy, Dear Andy, our views and opinions are on cur- Thank you, Islamic Society, for East, Turkey, Central Asia, and the rent affairs as well as history. The putting such articles of history on Mediterranean Basin. The more In the article titled “NUS farce con- Can you please explain to me why, Islamic Society and all its events your website. They may be biased people like him write, the less peo- tinues” (Felix 1364), it is stated that whilst sitting at a computer on the are open to everyone. but that’s better than having hun- ple like me need to. the Returning Officer for the NUS second floor of the Central Library We have our Friday prayer and dreds of clubs and societies with no In closing, let me say how en- Referendum, Jon Matthews, was in a t-shirt on a cold winter’s day, sermon in the Union Building at place to find such historical infor- couraging it is that the stigma “approached by the ‘Yes’ campaign I am dripping with sweat? It’s not lunchtime. Our prayer room is at mation coming from a voice within previously attached to criticism with concerns over conspiracy in because of an essay deadline, I can the basement of 9 Prince’s Gar- Imperial College students. of Islam, the religion of peace, tol- the ranks of the ‘No’ campaign”. It assure you! Am I really the only dens. Just before the prayer room While you’re at it, Mr Lynas, next erance, and fluffy animals, has is mentioned that the leader of the person at Imperial who finds the we have a ‘doss room’ where we sit, time you go to Trafalgar Square to disappeared so completely. As ‘No’ campaign is the President of temperature of the Library faintly chill and discuss things. visit all the statues of British gener- the Muslim population of the UK the same faculty union that pub- ridiculous? If Samuel Lynas really wants to als, please write an article on how grows, it will become bolder still in lished the offending paper, pre- It’s certainly not conducive to “ask questions”, perhaps he should some people (like you) can be fool- its insistence that we must adopt sumably implying that the CGCU work! As a leading scientific insti- actually talk to the Islamic Society, ish enough to think that the statues the dictates of a mentally ill 7th- President could have influenced tution shouldn’t we be setting an or even e-mail us, and ask those are a celebration of violence and century Arabian merchant. Point- Guildsheet editor’s behaviour. Is example by saving energy? Is there questions. That would enable him to mass slaughter. ed criticisms of this totalitarian this the same ‘Yes’ campaign who no environmental policy that we write a balanced article. To write an political system masquerading as can name amongst their ranks a should be abiding by? More perti- article insinuating that the Islamic Regards, a religion are more necessary than person who was not only, as your nently, can’t we design buildings Society is extremist seems a very Zirgham Afridi ever. Long may they continue. newspaper reminds us, Guildsheet with windows? editor, but also a former CGCU Why is it so f**king hot? I’d carry President and Chairman himself? on with the rage but this heat is In fact, it almost seems to me that sending me to sleep; a potential the only position that this former reason for the apathy around cam- CGCU barbershop quartet singer pus, perhaps? has never achieved within said un- ion is that of Welfare Officer, having Yours, clammy and ‘orrible, been defeated way back when. Darryl Croft It must be pretty galling for the pro-NUS group not to have thought of advertising in Guildsheet despite Andy Sykes replies, having such an illustrious veteran of CGCU and Union politics. It all The library has been a roasting just sounds like sour grapes from oven for a number of years; as the joiN-US group. long as I can remember, anyway. A quick straw poll of the Felix of- Regards, fice seems to suggest that Level 5 Tim Hoult of the library is so hot because a) Mech Eng IV the College is conducting secret experiments on xenomorphs and PS In case it’s assumed this is an requires tropical conditions to en- attack on the ‘Yes’ campaign by a sure the creatures’ wellbeing, b) fervent ‘No’ man, I’d hasten to add that there’s a gateway to hell in the that it must be equally degrading far cubicle of the gent’s toilets, and for a political movement to resort despite the librarians’ best efforts to naming themselves after the to counter the ancient evil, it still opening at the lower end of the ali- heats the surrounding air to sev- mentary canal in a vain attempt to eral hundred degrees, or c) the li- disturb the student body out of their brary is built on an Indian… sorry, Millions of pilgrims descend on Mecca; every able-bodied Muslim is supposed to travel to Mecca once political apathy and vote. Native American burial ground. Friday 1 December 2006 felix 9

LETTERS [email protected]

windows opening onto the same rest of us, I mean – does anybody into the job, confused, and unable Chem Eng courtyard, one PhD student was Oddoscopes really care? I haven’t got a clue who to dredge up anything more inter- told at 16.30 by two Aero students to any of these people are in these esting. Such is the life of a student chemical spill leave the building. He never knew articles, besides being your fellow newspaper editor. about the incident. Dear Andy, ‘medjia’ cohorts / lovies, and I really Luvvies? I barely have to time to evacuation - One staff member was told by don’t care. OK, perhaps this issue is eat, never mind network. I’m glad one security officer to leave, and I’m a fresher and I couldn’t resist of some importance to other mere you liked my article on arms firms; then by his partner to not evacuate. writing, because every time I read mortal students like myself, but at least someone’s reading the pa- Dear Andy, Later, Aero staff members were your horoscopes they make me - front page headlines? Every sod- per. You’re right about students’ unable to leave the building due to crack up so much (in the privacy ding week? A single paragraph on unions, though, and you said it bet- I am an Aeronautics postgrad who locked doors, which did not lead to of my room of course!) Please do page 12 would do. We all know that ter than I could. Fancy a job? works in office 151 of the Roderic the courtyard. more! Double horoscopes! My com- the Student Union – by definition Hill Building. Our office’s windows - Security staff were seen helping pliments to the chef(s)! – is run by a clique of self-interest- happen to open out onto the court- themselves to food the Chem Eng ed, power-hungry, autocratic idiots yard where the chemical spill hap- department lays on for their under- Regards, – this is not news! Perhaps it would New clubs delay pened a few weeks ago. I take is- grads in the foyer of the ACEX. Anton J be more relevant to give more focus sue with the fact that the Head of - Four of my colleagues were in to articles with a broader relevance Dear Andy, Security believes everything was an office on the second floor of the and greater gravitas, such as your handled well. ACEX and were not told to evacu- Andy Sykes replies, excellent “UK universities invest I’m writing regarding the article on On the day of the incident, there ate. They only left once a colleague £1.5m in arms firms” article. Issues the clubs’ approval delays. As my were three of us sitting in our office, called them saying that he could I’m glad you like them so much; I such as this are actually relevant to proposed club, the IC Backgammon when a fourth colleague walked in. not get into the building. shall pass your compliments on to a great number of the university’s Society, has been left in the limbo He had been told to evacuate his - The Aeronautics Department’s the horoscope team the next time I students, not just the few belonging state for the past month and a half, office (3rd floor of the Aeronautics lecture theatres overlook the court- feed them their dripping, raw ani- to a supposed elite clique. I would be extremely disappointed Department ACE extension) and yard, and were still occupied by un- mal flesh through the grate in the Betch’a don’t print this though. if the delay is based on some politi- was told that “around the corner” dergraduates at 15.00. floor of the office. cal motives. I personally prefer the was safe. I do not understand why two de- Best wishes, new NCC (New Clubs Committee) So, he came to our office. After partments located around the same Alan Jones format compared with the old sys- 2pm (the spill happened at 12.30), courtyard can be evacuated in such Student Union Publications Officer tem with the CSC chairs. But there one of our department’s techni- different manners. Lessons should Freedom of the Silwood Park is a flaw in the system in which cians came by and advised us that be learned from situations such there is not a mandatory period of “it may be wise to close our win- as this one, such that, if there is a press? What’s which the approval meeting is held dows.” It was at this point that we more serious next time, students Andy Sykes replies, and such discretion has not been found out that the spill was literally and staff are not at risk due to inept the point? exercised with appropriate thought directly outside and was creating evacuation. How much were you willing to to the clubs in waiting. Surely, clubs fumes. We decided of our own ac- I am not one for frivolous health bet? Damn, I should have agreed it and societies are an integral part of cord to leave the building. At no and safety rules. If anything, they Dear Andy, before. the union and higher priority shall point were we told to evacuate. We have appeared only to create an Anyway, I don’t know where be given to them. I greatly appreci- left our office quite a long time after illusion of safety, when actually im- Love Felix ‘n’ all, but I have just one you’re getting ‘every sodding ate the work being done by the Un- the Chem Eng building had been portant situations such as this one or two gripes. week’ from, unless you’re exagger- ion and I hope this can be resolved evacuated. are handled so badly. This tiresome and cliquey current ating for comic effect (I laughed). It as soon as possible. The following are the experiences obsession with ‘freedom of speech’ was a couple of issues at the start of colleagues: Sincerely, in the universities’ media may of term, and to be honest, there was Regards, - In the office next door which has Aki Pakarinen seem interesting to you, but to the absolutely no news. I was fresh Christopher Hong Union Centenary Events Introduction

Friday the 1st of December is offi cially the launch of the Centenary events • The Centenary Summer Ball orgainised by the students at Imperial. There are a whole host of events planned • Arts Fest throughout the year for all of us to enjoy. We have glossed up some of the old • Athletics Varsity favourites, created some new ones especially for the big 100 and ensured that • Green Week we cover all interests. So for those who have no idea why we are celebrating • The Fashion Show this year, here comes the science bit… • New Yearʼs Day Parade • International Night Imperial College was established in 1907 in Londonʼs scientifi c and cultural • Charity Music Concert Shiv Chopra heartland in South Kensington, as a merger of the Royal College of Science, • Varsity Medics President the City and Guilds College and the Royal School of Mines. St Maryʼs Hospital • Inter-faculty University Challenge. [email protected] Medical School and the National Heart and Lung Institute merged with the College in 1988 and 1995 respectively. One very special event we have planned is a “Centenary Runner” for this yearʼs Flora London Marathon (April 22nd). So for your chance Charing Cross and Westminster Medical School and the Royal Postgraduate to run for your favourite Centenary cause (Student hardship funds/Beit re- Medical School merged with the College on the1st August 1997 to form, with development/Library project) simply enter our competition. The Rector himself the existing departments on the St Maryʼs and Royal Brompton campuses, the will donate £10,000 to the cause of your choice. All you have to do is email Faculty of Medicine. 300 words to me ([email protected]) on why you want to run for Imperial. The winner will receive free training and support from Sport Imperial. Therefore, this summer the college will be celebrating both “100 years of living The entry deadline is Wednesday 13th of December. science” as well as 10 years of the merger of the three medical schools to become the School of Medicine. So look out for the next centenary update in Felix from me, Shiv Chopra.

Over the past few months I have set up a project board to co-ordinate our clubs and societies into creating and developing their centenary ideas. In next weekʼs issue of Felix I will be detailing as many events as possible that we have in store for you. But to whet your appetite here is a list of just a few:

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 unionpage New Union Governance Structure Announced After months of discussion and consultation, the Imperial College London Old Union Structure Council has fi nally given the Union the go-ahead to introduce a new governance structure.

From November 24th 2006, the following changes have been enacted: • A Union Court has been established to play a judicial and scrutiny role in ICUʼs governance. Elections and appointments to this body will take place in early December. • The Student Activities Committee will focus exclusively on clubs and John Collins societies activities and will now be known as the Clubs and Societies Board. President • The Welfare and Academic Aff airs Committees have been merged to form a [email protected] new committee called the Representation and Welfare Board. The board has been granted policy making powers and funding to strengthen representation and campaigns at Imperial. New Union Structure • The Accommodation Committee has been renamed the Halls Committee and will now report to the Representation and Welfare Board. • The Trading and Retail and Services committees have all been abolished. All trading matters will report to the Executive, all Advice Centre matters will report to the Representation and Welfare Board and all minibus matters will report to the Clubs and Societies Board. • The Health and Safety Committee has been re-established as a sub- committee of the Union Executive. • The Permanent Secretary will now be known as the Union General Manager. • The Overseas Students Committee will now be known as the Overseas Societies Committee. • More Informal forums will be organised as a means of engaging more students in the democratic elements of the Unionʼs governance. • Several Union Regulations have been deregulated by the Imperial College Council, enabling the Union Council to make changes to these Regulations ICU is preparing to launch a democracy homepage, which will describe how the without seeking formal approval from the College. Union works and how students can get involved in its democratic processes. It is envisaged that this resource will be ready before Christmas 2006. Although the major reforms to the governance of the Union have now been passed, further reforms to change the composition of the Union Council and If you are interested in standing for a position on the new Union Court, or if the legal identity of the Union will be discussed by the Union Council in January you have any further queries about the new governance structure of the Union 2007. then please contact the President.

TFL Discount for Day & Single Tickets Campaign New SOLE Survey Online From Monday

ULU are running a campaign to get TFL (Transport for London) to extend the The Student On-Line Evaluation (SOLE) survey will open this student discount for travelcards to day and single tickets. Monday at this website:

Currently students at London Universities, including Imperial College London, www.imperial.ac.uk/newsole are eligible for 30% discount on Oyster Travelcards - Get 30% Discount on all your London Travel!. However, this discount does not apply to single Please fi ll in this survey, it is the Collegeʼs main way of tickets and day travelcards. collecting feedback about your courses and a brilliant way of highlighting your concerns. Cash prizes will be awarded To register your support send your name to ULU Tfl Campaign also ownload to the department that scores the highest turnout. If you the petition from imperialcollegeunion.org. have any further questions about SOLE then please contact Ben Harris at [email protected]

Last chance for Club & Society Offi cers to Join

For club and society offi cers who have yet to join their club or society, you have until the end of 1st December to join. Failure to do so will result your club or societiesʼs budget being frozen. So make sure you join today!

You can join online at imperialcollegeunion.org

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060

Friday 1 December 2006 felix 13 eviews RMUSIC [email protected] Night of A-Muse-ment at Wembley Those crazy classic-rock-raping, nu-prog-rocking West Country bumpkins play at the Wembley Arena

ROBIN ANDREWS live review ing everyone and everything within difference to the state of thousands reach: the screams, the shouts, the of psyches. cries of joy and pain all culminated Time is Running Out, perhaps when the three progressive rockers one of Muse’s most famous tracks (Ugh, prog-rock, I feel dirty – Ed) from their Absolution album, again were illuminated by eerie light- superseded the album version con- ing originating from all manner siderably. The eclectic drum-work of strange, almost hallucinogenic of Dominic Howard launched this Muse large contrivances. piece of apocalyptic-themed mu- Wembley Arena Initially playing the entirety of sic into orbit; complete strangers, their latest album, Black Holes and separated from their own compan- Revelations, in the track order, you ions, suddenly put arms around “When the conspiracies unwind, might have thought that nothing shoulders and cried into the night: will you slam shut or free your would have come as a surprise to “We can’t push it underground/we mind?” Lead vocalist Matthew the dedicated progressive rock fan can’t stop it screaming out/how did Bellamy soars above the collective in the audience. it come to this?” shouts of the many thousands in Muse, consisting of lead vocal- Sure enough, nothing was stop- Wembley Arena during the mind- ist and guitarist Matthew Bellamy, ping the enthusiastic, elated Muse melting track that is Exo-Politics; bassist Chris Wolstenholme, and fans from transforming Wembley simultaneously bursting the ultra- drummer Dominic Howard, are Arena into the most vibrant mosh- sound barrier with his incredible well known for their energetic live pit environment I have ever experi- voice range and cryptic lyrics and performances, but this is surely the enced. When the metallic Assassin breaking down the walls with his understatement of the millennium: made its debut, several large rings ambitious, sumptuous guitar riffs. energetic does not do this live per- were formed on the arena floor, and Muse are back in London, and formance justice in the slightest. as the guitar riffs suddenly hit home are certainly nothing but the super- Personally, I was astonished at tens of people leapt into each other, massive band millions have regard- the astounding quality of each and resulting in numerous concussions ed them as ever since their modern every song I had the pleasure of and multiple injuries; I was quite classic, Origin of Symmetry, burst cascading around the arena to. Eve- stunned to see a body fly past me Matt Bellamy (on a bad hair day) riffing it up for all the progsters onto the music scene back in 2001. ry single track was far superior to and impact the floor moments later, After a strangely poor opening act the album version equivalent, and only to rapidly recover and rejoin named The Noisettes, involving a being an award-winning album of the melee. outstandingly good air guitar skills. displacement we all experienced; lead vocalist that insisted on do- symphonic, melodious excellence, Perhaps the greatest highlight of The guitar solo at the end of the even more so than that of Super- ing canine impressions (and at one this is certainly saying something. the night was the spaghetti-west- track, which has become some- massive Black Hole. I found out point actually squealing so loudly Supermassive Black Hole was, ern styled album closer Knights thing of a legend among Muse fans, first hand just how successfully most of the audience covered their simply, the zenith of contempo- of Cydonia. Following on from the was so perfectly played by Mat- a few of us in unison could propel ears in distress), thousands were rary guitar rock music; a brilliantly emotional, piano-driven perform- thew Bellamy, and backed up by the ourselves towards the ceiling whilst even more desperate for what they catchy riff and a guitar solo second- ance of Hoodoo, this burst into life heavy-duty bass-lines of Chris Wol- blaring out the memorable chorus came for. The wait was intense; all to-none. The vast amount of violent along with thousands of members of stenholme, that no-one, and I mean time and time again. eyes were on the stage. Suddenly, head-banging, passionate air-guitar the audience; even those in the so- no-one, could control themselves. Leaving this gig just barely intact the lights dimmed, and the back- playing and the animated, synchro- called seating areas – all of whom During the two-minute closing se- and positively buzzing with energy, ground music faded into nothing. nized escalations of members of the had long begun to attempt to be as quence, I accosted two complete I was unexpectedly hit by the tinge They had arrived. audience proved so overwhelming- preposterously insane as those in strangers and demonstrated my of disappointment. There were Take A Bow opened, and instantly ly mind-bending that the bizarre, the standing area – could not resist immaculate yet imaginary guitar so many tracks Muse could have the crowd surged forwards, crush- hypnotic lighting effects made little leaping over chairs and copying my skills whilst blaring the lyrics in played, but opted not to, including their general direction; within sec- the 1984-esque Citizen Erased, ar- ROBIN ANDREWS onds they accepted this strange, guably their most epic track. I could overexcited entry into their lives not help pondering on why this, and and did exactly the same thing, only other Muse ‘classics’, including to realize they had been doing this Butterflies & Hurricanes, Falling already for quite a long time. Down, Apocalypse Please, Fall- Drenched in various liquids of ing Away With You, Megalomania unknown origin, Muse continued were not played. to fulfil the audience’s hopes and However, shortly afterwards, the dreams by playing a host of older answer dawned on me: almost eve- Muse tracks, including Plug In ry Muse track is deemed a classic Baby, their cover of Feeling Good, by the millions of fans spread across Hysteria, Sunburn, New Born and the world, and there simply isn’t Bliss, the latter of which was ac- enough time to showcase them all companied by large, suspiciously in a two-hour slot. The ideal Muse gelatinous balloons which, in com- fan’s gig would simply be for the parison to the mysterious concen- band to play every single song they tration of “Happy 18th Birthday” have composed, no matter how long balloons and inflated contracep- it took to perform. Megalomania, tives drifting around the arena floor the closer to Origin of Symmetry, prior to Muse’s entry, proved far replaces religion with music, and more appeasing. could easily be compared to reality. Stockholm Syndrome was cho- Many bands have a large following, sen as the closer; the antithesis to but I can say without the slightest exit music chosen for most gigs of doubt that the following of Muse this magnitude, which tend to opt borders on the religious. for more slowly-paced, emotive Despite whatever bias may arise tracks. Muse’s closing number was from being this obsessive with the a monstrously virulent track, with progressive rockers’ (So, so dirty - its pounding bass-lines, sonorant Ed) musical talents, I can think of drumming and absolutely electrify- no better way of putting this: Muse ing guitar riffs propelling the crowd are undeniably the best of their into a different musical dimension. kind, and their live performance This was pure, explosive guitar- not only demonstrates this, but sets flavoured energy; there was noth- the standard for hundreds of bands ing moving about this track, unless around the world today. Huge, big testicles floating around... erm, yeah, too obvious of course one refers to the physical Robin Andrews 14 felix Friday 1 December 2006

MUSIC [email protected] The intimate Gotan Project Some more live reviews for you, with some Latin grooves and piano moods live review but only to bring (MOBO award winner) Akala back with them. How often does round two happen that quickly? However, this time it seemed like they were just going through the motions. Akala got everyone bounc- ing but left just that little bit too The Gotan Project soon. How frustrating. Brixton Academy Even the best have their limits Matty Hoban but Gotan Project seemed a little under par this time, but everyone is Music Editor Two suited and booted Parisian different, and this may just be me. DJs glide into their all-too-familiar George Refsum throne set high above an authentic didn’t get much of a reaction Buenos Aires 10 piece band. Inter- about my insensitivity over esting. So what exactly do you get live review the death of Feeder’s old when you mix the two most sexed drummer. So I can assume nations on earth? Intercourse of several things: pretty much course. no-oneI cares about music; pretty The first notes from the accor- much no-one cares about Feeder; dion wash over the crowd like the pretty much no-one reads this familiar first tender kiss of a lover. column and communicating with Everyone sighs. It has begun. Cool another human being in any form Latino beats and fresh female vo- Ed Harcourt and friends is beyond you. In this case, here cals follow, filling the air with a dirty Everythingmustgo comes the lengthiest tirade of static I can only find in a heated The Gotan Project, Argentinian pimps playing some sexy folk tunes racism, homophobia and misogy- bedroom. ny you’ll ever choose not to read. For those who like to close their Some gigs are thoroughly crippled So if you’re a black, feminist les- eyes from this point in I would say by their own marketing and just cence to go out on a Monday night his first new material in months bian who is easily shocked, then this: you would surely be missing can't live up to their hype. On the (despite the gig being free - Ed). – a fast, rock-oriented number and please scratch out your eyeballs out. Buenos Aires skylines, broken other hand, some cannot fail to live Although some of the earlier acts a quieter, whimsical piece which now! Gauchos and strutting tango danc- up to their promise – with little pre- were not the most impressive, none was sadly marred by chatter from Only kidding, I love/hate all er visuals glide across the back of publicity and the name 'An Evening were anything less than enjoyable, the bar, before concluding with a God’s creatures in equal amounts. the stage in time with an almost with Ed Harcourt and Friends', especially when it camw to Har- majestic duet with Harcourt on a What to talk about this week I dub-like step. there isn't an awful lot left to the court's duets with each. However, it cover of Bill Fay's haunting Be Not wonder. Well, maybe I should talk Teasing can only last so long. imagination. Unsurprisingly, the was after an hour or so of good but So Fearful. about myself! You should get to After what seems an eternity the evening fulfilled its promises with unmemorable sets that the evening Changing the tone completely, know me, so that if I’m walking DJs suddenly make their musical ease – a great many of his friends really hit its stride – Danny Gof- Josh T Pearson's set was loud and along you won’t hesitate to have a entrance. Billie Jean’s bass-line performed brief sets, every one of fey of Supergrass fame performed unintelligible, but no less enjoyable, chat with me. I often walk around filters through the speakers and them including a duet with the man a single song from his new solo bringing down the volume for the waiting for an amazing conversa- finally takes over as musical cen- himself. project, Van Goffey, as his first solo compulsory duet at the end. After tion to eclipse the purpose of my tre. What follows is a succession of It was a very informal affair, es- gig; David Viner played a stunning two such astounding sets, no-one walk in the first place. short, sharp, swinging tunes mixing pecially since about half the crowd blues set; and continuing in the but Harcourt himself could follow, I am from a place in the Mid- the best of fast-paced Latin dance were performing at various points Americana vein, Michael J Sheehy ending the evening with a beautiful lands called Nottingham, or more with warming electronic rock. throughout the evening, perform- then covered The Passenger in a rendering of Until Tomorrow Then specifically a suburb of the city Post-climatic, airy tango brings ing to a surprisingly small crowd masterful rasping country style. to a sadly depleted but extremely (on the southerly edge) called you down to earth for a breather. As thanks to a combination of short Then Sam Herlihy of the much- appreciative audience. West Bridgford. Nottingham is usual, the pair then just disappear notice and an understandable reti- missed Hope of the States debuted Hugh Stickley Mansfield often associated with gun crime, but in my experience of the city late at night, this isn’t completely true; I have never been shot at, just punched a few times. My star-sign is Aries and I would Some extra pickings for you my friend say I am quite passionate about things (including your mother). My favourite music can be de- album review hop barn music. and current vocalist of The Black This five-piece English band from scribed as alternative. This broad Fair enough, this album does Eyed Peas. Fergie is to BEP as wa- Sussex and London have taken it genre encompasses many sounds, have one or two club-friendly jams ter is to the Sahara desert. upon themselves to reinvent the chords and keys. I like guitars, in- such as Ms New Booty feat. Ying Fergalicious is an addictive, choc- genre of ‘pop’ and I’ll be darned if teresting sounds, crazy and loud Yang Twins: an up-tempo, bass- oholic and sizzling single from Miss they haven’t done a fantastic job drumming. I also like noise; when heavy track, produced by Mr Col- Stacy Ferguson. This is definitely a at it. With instruments in sync and it is used efficiently and with lipark, and a certified stripper girl and club banging track and it harmonised, and the beautiful vo- precision it can make more of a anthem throughout the nation; or grows on you; before long one be- cals from lead singer, Dan Gillespie statement than anything. I be- Heat It Up, which would truly give gins to mime to the track. Sells, can this band do any wrong lieve that punk is not dead and it an extra spring to your butt. This “All the time I turn around in our eyes? I think not! With lyr- is not defined as the music made album seems to have less Timbal- brotha's gather round always look- ics like “I love it when you call, but by Green Day et al.. Punk is an Bubba Sparxxx and influence than FutureLoveSex ing at me up and down looking at what’s the complication, its only idea of rejection and so much mu- The Charm Sounds by ‘Justin Timberland’. We my (uuhh)!” This are interesting conversation, he loves it when you sic around now is only a show of (Astralwerks) also have the random Timbaland attempts at rapping, but who can call.” The Feeling does not have a rejection. I guess politically, I am ★★★✩✩ production, Hey, an amped-up tune blame her. Definitely a must have female fan-base for nothing. With liberal; even though punk ethics built around a sparse marching on your iPod. Another work-out lyrics like these any girl would be and ideals inspire me, I am very Born Warren Anderson Mathis in band beat complete with horns and track, at least at the end of the day able to relate it too – you’ll definitely pragmatic. the small mill-town of LaGrange, chants. you would be as tasty as Fergie. be singing along in no time. But the I enjoy a good book. This does Georgia, Bubba Sparxxx burst onto Folake Adegbohun Folake Adegbohun skillfully engineered track is also not mean Robert Jordan fantasy the scene in 2001 wearing overall provides a little something for the novels or Dan Brown; it means and driving a tractor in the video boys, with notable solos from the literature which challenges your Ugly, the Timbaland-produced fre- single review single review keyboards and guitarist. perception of the role of litera- netic hit single from Bubba’s gold- Folake Adegbohun ture itself. I am not elitist or a selling debut Dark Days, Bright Fergie The Feeling snob, I just hate complacency; Nights. The Charm is an unim- Fergalicious Love It When You Call one should not establish one’s pressive attempt at repeating the (Polydor) (Island) identity to be storm-proof, to be success of his first album. But give ★★★★✩ ★★★★★ enlightened by different ideas is credit it’s due; Bubba has certainly December Femm what made humanity progress. worked hard on this album, even Expect some tasty reviews, in- I am constantly interested in with the soulful The Otherside, a Fergalicious is the second single Taken from their debut album terviews and features on a cou- new ideas: superficially in music copy-cat of Deliverance; Bubba taken from the debut album The Twelve Stops and Home, The Feel- ple of bands that you might like. and overall. This may sound like did try to outwit us with his genius Duchess. Former member of Kids ing’s previous three singles Sewn, Also a feature on the independ- a lonely hearts column but I gen- and urban farm-boy tales, but it all Incorporated, Wild Orchid, co-host Fill My Little World and Never Be ent media and other goodies. uinely like talking to people about sounds like a plea to embrace hip of the TV show Great Pretenders Lonely have all been top ten hits. interesting stuff. GSOH. Call me. Friday 1 December 2006 felix 15

ARTS [email protected] Messing with the masterpiece Trevor Nunn takes on the Gershwins’ tale of bittersweet love and attempts to adapt it for a wider audience

Porgy and Bess TRISTRAM Savoy Theatre Tickets from £20 (day seats available at the Box Office)

I have a confession to make. Before going to this production, I had never seen Porgy and Bess. I hadn’t even seen the 1959 movie with Sydney Poitier. I do, however, own many of the songs on CD as sung by Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald, and like everyone else I know, hearing Summertime always brings a smile to my face. The new production at the Sa- voy Theatre seems to be billed as Gershwin for beginners. Rather confusingly, Nunn has adapted it from an opera to a musical, which mostly seems to only have had the effect of cutting its length and the size of its accompanying orchestra. As a lover of Gershwin and opera, I approached the production with trepidation; after all, why meddle with perfection? The first thing that struck me was the quality of voice that had been chosen. Though clearly not oper- atic, the casting has been done so carefully as to preserve the spirit of Gershwinian opera and thus jumped the first hurdle of my prejudice. In other ways the production has O-T Fagbenle, Cornell S John, Clarke Peters and Nicola Hughes in the new production of the Porgy and Bess at the Savoy Theatre clearly tried to be as faithful to the original as possible. With the ex- ception of a couple of minor roles, right, because this is a magical vides the fertile bed from which the has so many clichéd pitfalls, yet Even though I can’t imagine ador- all parts are played by black actors production and I was completely unlikely love story grows. Peters manages to avoid them all ing this as much as the full opera, (as Gershwin stipulated in his will), transfixed. Bess (Nicola Hughes) is sublime whilst still not over-dignifying the there is nothing I could criticise and the set and costumes are true Every part, however small, was as the abandoned prostitute taken character. The scene where he and about the performance. It is quite to the backdrop of the work. performed exquisitely. During the in by Porgy (Clarke Peters), but it is Hughes sang Bess, You is My Wom- simply the most moving perform- But I soon forgot about all these crowd scenes the cast moved as he who is the real star. The role of an Now moved me to tears, and I ance I have seen all year. things. I forgot to look for parts that one entity, flawlessly expressing a lame man in a stereotypical poor actually wanted to punch Bess for Emily Lines didn’t work, for dialogue that wasn’t the community spirit which pro- southern black neighbourhood leaving him. Arts Editor Death and angry young men: not a good mix? DramSoc’s two upcoming plays provide something that is sure to suit everyone’s dramatic disposition

Mort pub. When I say ‘all’, I am, in fact, ring to the Drama Society’s latest, mind for Mort than just teaching human companionship in an almost by Terry Pratchett referring to a pretty diverse bunch. and one of its largest, productions: him the business. You see, Death childish dependence. Among others, there is a king, his Mort. Based on the novel by Terry has an (adopted) daughter. Mort’s Jimmy’s long-suffering wife Ali- Some people ask: what is the hard- daughter, a couple of wizards, a Pratchett and adapted by Stephen eye, however, is caught by the beau- son and his best friend Cliff suffer est thing about being in a play? doorknocker, a cesspit cleaner and Briggs, this uproariously funny play tiful Princess Keli, who is unfortu- his intellectual ranting and shock- Awkward rehearsal times? The a young boy emperor complete with tells the story of young Mort, who nately about to die. ing attempts at drawing reaction multitude of lines to memorise? his murderous evil vizier. Oh, and starts his first job as an apprentice. How will it all turn out? You’ll in a loving relationship that seems Stage fright? Well, the answer is of course, there is Death. Two of To Death. just have to come and find out for at once bizarre yet understandable. simple. It is getting us all out of the them in fact. I am obviously refer- Of course, Death has more in yourself! Alison’s colonel father provides an odd reflection of Jimmy – polar op- posite in character yet similarly de- Don’t Look Back in Anger prived of a concrete place, a role in by John Osborne the world. It is only when Alison’s friend Helena enters the scene, un- Gasp! An ironing board! Or per- fazed and grudgingly drawn to Jim- haps not: the famous shock initial my’s offensiveness, that he is chal- audiences felt at John Osborne’s lenged, though not yet contented. play-within-the-prosaic will not be Essentially it is Jimmy’s effect on felt today in an age used to ‘social his surroundings that proves the realism’ and Real Life Drama! greatest draw to the audience. His Yet the themes of disaffection, of ripples of anger and their contact “lacking a crusade worth fighting with loved ones make up only the for” and of a messy, grudging love immediate, visceral excitement of are ones that still strike a chord, ar- the piece, making the overarching guably more so, with a generation themes all the more powerful in the who live with the luxury of apathy. contrast with the domestic setting Osborne infuses the main protag- they transcend. The play works onist Jimmy, an archetypal exam- on us, the audience, by presenting ple of the Angry Young Men of the both the unrestrained voice of frus- 1950s, with a searing personality of tration within us all and the figures frustrated power. As he cascades of sensibility we use to hide behind. through the play in a fury of an- Ultimately it is us who prove most tagonism, he still yearns for a ‘hu- shocking as, in those scenes of re- man passion’ and ‘conviction’, while vealed humanity, we start to sym- The cast of Mort. They don’t look dead to me, although some of them look rather disturbing maintaining sensitivity to love and pathise with this angry young man. Think you’re hotter than this? Prove it.

Pose for the Felix centrefold. Email us at [email protected].

Photo by Emerson Vigoureux 18 felix Friday 1 December 2006

FASHION [email protected] Yuletide party dresses, y'all COOL

A selection of killer dresses for the festive party season, as chosen by Sarah Skeete Intimissimi The italian underwear shop is finally opening The Christmas season is of- London branches. Stock- ficially upon us. Which means ing underwear for men buying a pretty dress going out and women, as well as and getting drunk in celebration nightwear, at reasonable of the birth of Jesus Christ. In prices, it's set to be as homage to Jesus, I've picked out Miss Selfridge popular here as it is in a few party dresses, selected for £40 Italy. their skill in straddling the line between slutty and pretty. If you want to look on trend, then definitely go for gold. Every high-street chain will have a version of that shimmering gold dress. Just make sure you tone Mango down the accessories. Add more Mango £45 glitz and people won't be able to £90 look directly at you, lest they be blinded. This look is best acces- sorized in black. Also a fashiona- ble look is goth-romantic, to wear with plenty of black eyeliner. To cut down on time spent in the changing room, there are Celia Birtwell scarves some basic rules to find a flatter- Designing for Topshop, ing dress for your body shape. her scarfs are a cute ad- If you're curvy (Read: political- dition to any casual outfit. ly correct version of fat) then a Less cute are her various plunging neckline is best to draw tops and dresses which attention to your best feature. look like something the If you're more hourglass, then a villager's in Borat would belted A-line dress will look great wear. They have more on your curves. than an undertone of For lean figures, a strapless boho about them. dress looks best, drawing atten- tion to your delicate shoulders. Ruffles on your bust, despite what fashion magazines tell you, does not add curves. It's just a bunch of ruffles stuck to a flat chest. If people actually mistake this for voluptuousness then they are retarded. Petite figures look best in a high waisted design whose hemline hits just below the knee. BPM Magazine Most of the work is really done Ships only to the US, by very high heels; there's only Miss Selfridge but there's a totally free so much a dress can do. £60 version online! And by If you're tall then short dresses totally free I mean, free look best with long legs. Avoid for three months, at long dresses, they will make you which point you can sign look like a giant. You can also up again with a different get away with bold prints. Wear email address. heels at your peril. Topshop It' features new music and Athletic figures look balanced £55 fashion, including fashion out with a flowing feminine spreads filled with labels silhouette. If you' have the calves you can't afford or buy in of a Hungarian shot-putter, then the UK. Awesome! a hemline hitting at mid-calf is River Island www.bpmmagazine.net most flattering. £49.99 Alternatively eschew all fash- ion advice and spend eternity in a changing room cursing the 6 item changing-room rule, even- tually ending buying a T-shirt. If you follow one piece of advice let it be this, avoid Oxford Street at all costs. You're less likely to be FCUK crushed to death by tourists on £95 High Street Kensington. Happy shopping. FCUK £120 Britney Spears And she was doing so well. She cut off the ex- tensions wore a margin- ally less slutty dress, I thought she's make out of it with a decent come- back. Then came Paris Hilton. Back to the ratty extensions and crotch Miss Selfridge flashing papprazzi. Classy. £45 I'll spare you the picture. If you really want to see Britney's crotch you can check out www.thesuper- ficial.com.

Urban Outfitters Lux Silk Babydoll dress, £68 LAME Friday 1 December 2006 felix 19

GAMES [email protected] I, Gamer All we want for Christmas Felix Games lets you know the best of the games vying for your wallet this year

nd so this is Christmas. ism! And we don’t have much time! of the press for the best part of the missing from this line-up – well, Now, we don’t want to But in amidst all the generosity, year. In the last few weeks and the there is. But fear not, because next alarm you, but as you love, compassion and peace to all few still to come, 2006’s most antici- week Felix Games will endeavour read this there are less men, you may find yourself forget- pated releases hit the shops and the to give you a rundown of the best than twenty-five shop- ting one thing: buying stuff for your- online stores – not to mention a host Wii games available. Aping days until Christmas day, and self is awesome. And we’re defi- of price drops and bundles for the Right now, though, it’s not their a mere two weeks (or less, if you’ve nitely under the impression that, as consoles. But what’s worth taking a turn. It’s time to take a sneak peek lazily picked this up mid-week) un- stuff goes, games are the best kind look at this season, and what should into Santa’s sack and see what the til you kiss goodbye to Imperial un- of stuff available. be left until the January sales of good boys and girls are getting. And til 2007. And that can only mean one Christmas, as you also might have 2009? You can find our genre-by- if that’s still not enough for you, thing. gathered, means new games. And genre run down of the best games check over the page to see an allur- It’s time to get spending and not just any new games – sizzlingly for Christmas 2006 right here. ing selection of gaming tat just ask- Michael Cook buy the love and affection of those brilliant games that have been in And for the three of you in the au- ing to have money wasted on it. Games Editor around you in the name of capital- development and below the radar dience that feel there’s something See you on Oxford Street. Massively Multiplayer – Battlefield 2142 here are a lot of things I can’t stand There’s something about playing Electronic Art’s attitude to game about Christmas. against humans that can’t be beat- publishing. Remakes of old en. Sure, you can ace Unreal Tour- Servers are more stable, the lev- Christmas songs nament on Godlike AI levels, but els are more fluidly designed, and Tis one. Old Christmas songs when you lead a squad of five real the game rewards teamwork even themselves is another. Rein- people into a battle and outwit your more than before, with upgrades deer-oriented cartoons. Noel fellow man – even if he is a twelve for squads that consistently co-op- sodding Edmunds. But I guess year-old Dane – it’s an entirely oth- erate to achieve objectives. what really gets to me are the er experience. With Quake:Enemy Territory still people who say it’s so commer- Building on the success of Battle- a few months off, and Planetside cialised that Christmas doesn’t field 2, a game which rejuvenated slowly sliding into the abyss, 2142 is mean anything any more, and the MMOFPS genre with a revised the MMO to get this season if you that somehow we’ve become squad system and better online con- want large-scale combat without monkey wrenches of The Man. nectivity, Battlefield 2142 takes the paying a monthly fee. See, the thing is that every- franchise into the future, where glo- Don’t make a purchase expect- thing is commercialised now. bal warming has racked the Earth’s ing this to be Unreal Tournament, Music. Noel Edmunds. Even surface and there is only war! though – you won’t get the most out gaming – hell, especially gam- Okay, so no-one’s dishing out of it unless you’re willing to work to- ing – is a commercial entity. points for plot here. The important gether as a team. Give it a chance, Commercialism is good, it gives thing is that 2142’s technical side is however, and DICE’s multiplayer drive to people – and when a huge improvement on its rather vision begins to shine through. it works it works very well. shaky predecessor, which eventu- Chart Prediction – 7 We get Half-Life 2, the Total ally became a shining example of War series, and Tomb Raider. BF2142 – Fight on the ground, or take apart a ship from the inside everything that was wrong about Michael Cook Granted, it churns out a lot of crap, not unlike Noel Edmunds, but that’s a fact of life. First-Person Shooter – Gears Of War But why we’re worried about commercialism when it’s bring- Christmas is a time when you sit only great fun but also surprisingly ing us some of the best technol- down with friends and family and tense – you begin to sink into the ogy and experiences yet – from engage in some bonding activi- war against the hostile alien force the scale of Battlefield 2142 to ties like Uno, ignoring the Queen’s known as The Locust Horde, and the innovative design of Wii speech, or – if you’re an XBox 360 despite it’s frenetic action and lib- Play – I can’t work out. What- owner – dismembering large num- eral use of gore, it still manages to ever happens on the stock mar- bers of alien invaders. be a scary experience – helped in ket, money’s made by selling Gears of War might have the kind part to an incredibly smooth look what’s good, and what people of character lineup that makes the that still has the next-gen “I can’t want. And generally – gener- WWF look well-cast and realistic, believe it’s so detailed” sheen. ally mind, Crazy Frog Racer but it’s not as dumb or as trigger- Multiplayer doesn’t accurately still managed to spawn a se- happy as it looks. describe playing Gears of War quel – people want originality, Well, alright, it is as trigger-happy – if you’ve got a friend and a spare fun, clever design, and so that’s as it looks. But it’s also very so- controller, you can’t be without what they get. phisticated – a stellar first-person this game this Christmas. A fresh So yes, the motivation be- shooter that’s not based around a change from the same old death- hind a lot of good things could one-man army. Oh no. It’s based on match encounters – until someone be selfishness at its heart. But a four-man army. ‘accidentally’ shoots you... that doesn’t make its outcome Co-operation is the name of the Chart Prediction – 2 any less special. Which is why game here, and playing this game this week we’re not only happy through with a friend or two is not Tony Plana to bring you the lowdown on Gears Of War – when explosive devices and testosterone collide the best games of the festive season, but also offer you to the chance to win some tasty, nut- Freeware/Indie Gaming – N meg-flavoured freebies from the good people out there in Although we pretend to want free- N combines the Fun ethics of gaming land. roaming, non-linear masterpieces classic arcade games development Despite it being the Christ- with eye-aching graphics and an with the ‘What If?’ mentality of mas coverage this issue, epic narrative, most gamers are the underground/bedroom coding there’s still one more event to not averse to the simple things in scene. The ‘real life’ physics engine cover this year. Next week we life. From ‘Avoid Missing Ball For combines with the classic platform- see the final piece of the next- High Score’ to Quake III we’re just ing recipe to create a fast-paced gen puzzle fall into place with as happy with something genuine- against-the-clock gaming experi- the release of the Nintendo Wii, ly refined and polished as we are ence which is absolutely, blissfully, as well as asking you for your with a game that offers depth and free of charge. help with our plans for next complexity. Small enough for 56k users yet term. But until then, enjoy the N is simple. A quick glance at enduring enough for even the most absence of snow and the omni- a screenshot – a quick glance at adept platform gamer, N succeeds presence of green spikey trees the name – and you can tell this. in every way great games of its type both on TV and off, and start N’s clean, crisp yet fondly retro should. budgeting for the most gam- graphics and simple, yet strangely Chart prediction – It’s too good ing-heavy month of the year. stressful, gameplay provide a blend for that. Peace and Noel Edmunds to smoother than Master Chief’s you all. N – We’ll be seeing more from N after Christmas – get practicing! freshly polished visor. Mark Fletcher 20 felix Friday 1 December 2006

GAMES [email protected] Party and Family Games – Buzz! Sports, Wii Sports, Singstar Legends and more Yet more If you ever wanted to get your sis- for howling out a rendition of Rock- ter, grandad or boyfriend hooked on et Man, you can always scream a gaming, now’s definitely the time to bit of Smells Like Teen Spirit. do it, with a whole host of peripheral No-one’s going to blame you if games silliness available this Christmas. you feel like doing something nor- There’s bound to be plenty of mal though – what about bowling? times during the vacuum between Or boxing? Or tennis? Welcome to You know how it works – there’s greeting Santa and greeting the Wii Sports. always been far too many games new year when everyone gathers If you’re going to splash out on a to cover in such a short space, so around the warmth of the television Wii this Christmas, then you’ll al- it’s likely you’ve missed some fan- and turns on the usual tripe. ready have this genius piece of soft- tastic games in 2006. Now’s the But this year more than ever ware bundled with it. And if you’re time to catch up. there’s a better option – get them still undecided over Nintendo’s New Super Mario Bros. debut- playing something genuinely fun. new platform, then it should be this ed on the DS this year, giving Nin- You’ve got the simple and relaxed game that wins you over. tendo a good excuse to return to Buzz Sports to begin with, where The equivalent of Eyetoy: Play in their 2D roots with the usual array every player has their own four- the way that it shows off the Wiim- of bright colours, memorable level button controller which they use to ote, Wii Sports is a medley of great design and soundtrack. If you’ve answer multiple-choice questions, multiplayer games that anyone can had enough of playing Mario Kart TV-Quiz style. play. They don’t require you to leap DS with businessmen on the Tube For a bit more noise – and a bit around the room like Muhammad in the morning, NSMB is a good more embarassment – Singstar Ali – though naturally, that makes it Christmas alternative. Legends has a variety of songs that a lot more fun. at least someone is bound to know. So if you find you’re not in the mood Tony Plana Wii Sports – A perfect excuse to smack your annoying little brother Strategy – Medieval 2 : Total War

What better way to get into the Of course, if you’ve played Rome: spirit of Christmas than to crush Total War then you may be wonder- all enemies of your chosen religion ing just what’s there to draw you before you with a crusade/jihad/ to this latest installment. This isn’t door-to-door newsletter [delete as the revolution that Rome was over appropriate]? Medieval 2 gives you its predecessor, Medieval; instead, the opportunity to do that without it’s evolutionary, tweaking and add- getting chucked in prison as a re- ing features rather than revamp- sult, and it’s all the better for it. ing. Creative Assembly’s expan- Massive, complex, deep, and yet sion packs are almost games in Yes, you got it. It’s-a-him. Mario easy to pick up, the latest in the To- themselves, and Medieval 2 is more tal War series doesn’t skimp on the than enough of a difference from its There’s a lot of RTS to come in features. Religion, trade, diploma- predecessor to justify splashing out 2007, and if you need something cy, city management, and of course on it. to tide you over, then Company big bloody brawls far from home. It Don’t resist it. Pay homage to the of Heroes (with Dawn of War all sounds suspiciously close to the king of strategy games. bundled) can be picked up for modern day, but Medieval 2’s peri- Chart Prediction – 5 less than £20 – a solid World War 2 od detail is so thick and delicious it strategy and a great Warhammer Medieval 2 : Total War – Above is known as the ‘subtle’ approach could pass for maple syrup. Andrew Dunn 40K multiplayer RTS. If, for some reason, you didn’t buy Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Pure Fun – Lego Star Wars II then the Christmas season is sufficiently quiet to give yourself We covered it last week, and we’re alongside you. enough time to immmerse your- covering it again for one simple Let’s face it – the holiday season self in Tamriel. Prices vary from reason – Christmas is license sea- is likely to make you watch the en- platform to platform, but a PC ver- son, and there’s no bigger license tire six movies at least once. This sion is around £20. Don’t expect than Star Wars itself. way, you get the joy of slashing and sublime reality, but do expect an But this isn’t a cash-in on the films, force-pushing your way through the immersive RPG and a hell of a lot or the children’s building blocks, or adventure yourself. of dungeons. even the original Lego Star Wars – The designers know what you it’s pure fun, with more open levels, want. They’ve put in the Battle of more things to go “vwumm” and Hoth, because – for want of a better “pishhhh” at, and more importantly description – it’s absolutely bitching. than anything else – some of the They’ve put in the duels with Darth most famous movie scenes from Vader because it wouldn’t be a Star history in glorious brick form. Wars game without it. This is Star The cast of characters is huge, Wars with all the pretentiousness and the scope of what’s there to and romance and cutscenes swept unlock is similarly impressive – it’s away – and all you have left is pure, definitely a game to keep you busy unadulterated style. over the holiday. But it never gets The force is strong in this one. dull; leave the console set up with And yes, that was an obvious gag. another controller plugged in as But it feels so right. you play and anyone passing can Chart Prediction – 11 hop in, swish up a ‘saber and start Santa’s not coming to this town swinging away at droids and Sith Michael Cook PSP must-buys Grand Theft Auto : Vice City Stories and Loco Roco are still great buys, and with the PSP charts not looking too WIN! – Lego Star Wars II! electifying at the moment, the lat- ter might be one to dig around for We’ve got a PSP copy of the excellent Lego Star Wars 2 to give away. online – simple, obscure and great If you want to be in with a chance to win, just answer this question. fun, something which the DS usu- ally does far better than the PSP Where in the Star Wars film series does Lego Star Wars 2 begin? in. a) Episode IV – A New Hope But if you’d rather save up for b) Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith 2007, we can’t blame you. 2006 had c) Episode I – The Phantom Menace a lot to show off, but as the year winds down Felix Games looks to Jot down your answer along with your email address and drop it the future when we’ll be bringing in to the Felix offices (Beit Quadrangle, Media Wing, downstairs) or you Quake: Enemy Territory, email [email protected] by December 8th with the subject Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Halo 3, line, “No, Luke. I am your winner.” The winner will get an email by Assassin’s Creed, Final Fanta- Monday 11th. sy XII, Metal Gear Solid 4, and Spoof, Lego, and big furry things. It’s a recipe for good Star Wars many more. Friday 1 December 2006 felix 21

GAMES [email protected]@imperial.ac.uk For the gamer who has everything Tasteless, geeky and utterly essential – Michael Cook looks at the best game-related things since games

ack at home – home be- troller, grafted lovingly so that it er and manufacturer that’s con- ing a relative term, given works as a proper belt buckle. verted some of the most popular that my PC is with me at Now, Lord knows that most peo- videogames of all time into some of Imperial – there is a par- ple wouldn’t be seen dead with it be- the most obscure boardgames of all ticularly strange piece of cause it’s just that little step too far time. Bgaming paraphenalia. It’s nothing past Geek. But you can’t help look From the intruguing Railroad sexually deviant, or illegal. It’s just at it and feel that your life is emp- Tycoon to the epic Civilization, a bit... strange. tier without one. they’re not the easiest things to And actually, if you looked at it And it’s Christmas now, so who’s get to grips with, and will certainly you might doubt that it wasn’t sexu- to say it should be for a second long- take a little longer to complete on ally deviant, consisting as it does er? But if you think you might like Christmas day than a game of cha- of a rather large round ball and an something a bit more fashionable, rades (even with that particularly eight-inch blue tube. But I can as- then Way of the Rodent (http:// deaf uncle of yours), but it’s one of sure that it plugs into the television www.wayoftherodent.com) is one the most interesting uses of videog- and is family-friendly. of the many gaming websites out ames that we’ve seen – even if it’s a Ahm. Yes. Best stop there. there on the web that have a t-shirt little obvious. Euphemisms aside, it’s actually a spinoff store. If nothing’s hit you so far, well... lightsaber game that plays directly WotR’s main site is a regular gam- you’re beginning to make life dif- through the television, imported ing magazine with a thriving inter- ficult. And let’s face it, if you’re too from Japan by a friend of mine as net community – but their shirt de- self-conscious to wear a NES con- a gift. It’s all in Japanese, which signs are a tasteful way to proclaim troller around your waist, then a full makes it a little hard to distinguish your love for Ico, Phoenix Wright: Princess Peach outfit (http://www. “New Game” from “Quit” and so Ace Attorney and other games in farmgoodsforkids.com) is probably on, but this isn’t really important. an understated (and, yes, some- going to be considerably over the What’s important is that I can times not-so-understated) way. mark. And Farm Goods’ Mario cos- swish the plastic lightsaber around But both the NES Buckle and t- tume merely makes you look like a madly, and droids explode. And it’s shirts with “OBJECTION!” written camp window washer. unbelievably cool. on them in large, red letters share So I guess that just leaves... cul- Something special happens when one problem – they’re fairly public. ture. Sigh. gaming starts thinking outside of And not everyone’s as happy with Alright, so maybe you don’t actu- the box. The results tend to be in- sharing their secret addiction with ally want to do anything with gam- credibly geeky, and rather strange everyone else on the Tube. ing at all, you just find it interesting? – but no matter how much you Well, there’s more than one way to Half-Life 2 creators Valve released smirk, scorn or chuckle, there’s still skin a bank account. Maybe you’ve Half-Life 2: Raising The Bar some a hardcore part of you that really always wanted to see your favourite time ago, now – a book that delves must have one this instant. games immortalised forever in the into the art direction, as well as the Take, for instance, the NES Buck- form of... a game? deeper plot, of the seminal first- le (http://www.nesbuckle.com). It’s Eagle Games (http://www.eagle- person shooter series. It’s not Epi- a classic, genuine 1985 NES con- games.net) is a boardgame design- sode 2, but it’s a good replacement for the time being. Bungie commis- sioned a similar book – The Art of Halo – that explores the famous game trilogy in-depth too. Or there’s fiction. The decidedly less-geeky Halo Graphic Novel perhaps (http://snipurl.com/13cvy), featuring a collection of spinoff sto- ries in Master Chief’s universe, or a collection of novels based on the Resident Evil canon (http://snipurl. com/13cw2). Or maybe you’d just like some Metal Gear Solid Vamp/ Raiden hot gay fan fiction? Well we’re not linking you to that, so there. But you might find it all a bit overdone and hyped up. Halo, for instance, is a game based around shooting the crap out of things. Subtlety, characterisation and plot development aren’t high on their to-do list, and they don’t always transfer that well to story form. So have we begun to scrap the barrel yet? Not quite. There is one sensible suggestion left. Because if you’ve gone through all that and decided that you’re just not brave enough to take the step towards gaming obsession, there’s always WIN! – A WotR T-Shirt! film. Resident Evil, Final Fantasy Why yes, yes they are hella cool. And because they love you so much, VII, Tomb Raider and now Silent the folks over at Way of the Rodent have given us three t-shirts to give Hill have all been given the silver away to our readers! Your choice of size and design is up for grabs if screen treatment, as well as many you can convince us you’re worthy. others – to varying levels of suc- cess. If you’re looking for a quiet But we’re not messing around with multiple-choice questions here, night in but want to fondly remem- oh no. We want you to make us happy. It’s December now, which ber the little grey box in the corner means Christmas should be just twenty-five chocolate-filled days of the room, one of these should do away – but we’ve been told that we’re simply too old to have advent just fine. calendars any more. Whatever you go for this Christ- mas, gaming isn’t just about games Balls to that. We want you to draw, paint, scribble, construct or just any more. So if you’re thinking dash off in Microsoft Paint something festive and games-themed, and about spending a bundle on a next- either drop it into the Felix offices (Beit Quadrangle, downstairs in the gen console or some new hardware Media Wing) or send it in hyperdigitalised form to games.felix@impe- for a PC, just bear this in mind : rial.ac.uk with the subject line, “Objection!”. nothing says ‘hardcore’ like a life- size statue of Lara Croft. The best three entries received by December 8th bag themselves a (http://tinyurl.com/txz3m) t-shirt each, it’s as simple as that. Go get those crayons. Some men who like to be open with their preferences. For games. Yes.

Friday 1 December 2006 felix 23

GAMES [email protected] And there is no need to be afraid At Christmas time we pre-order games only for them to be delayed. Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

Rikki Norris

Ah, laziness. Face it; we’ve all been there. Whether it’s ten extra min- utes in bed, getting the bus when we could have walked, or leaving it a month to write your first Felix piece. Delays are commonplace in the world of gaming. When a new console or killer game is announced, you don’t ex- pect it to be released on the first date that’s set (especially if you live in Europe). You have to wait to see when the first delay will be announced to get a better idea of when you can get your grubby mitts on the thing, only for your plans to be smashed when further delays are announced. Great. So delays, then. What has recent- ly been delayed? Well, the episodic trilogy expansion thing for Half Life 2 has recently suffered a setback. Episode 2 (along with Team For- tress 2 and Portal – you get them all together in one big, shiny pack for anyone that didn’t already know) has been pushed back to some time in 2007. I think we can all live with this one though, if only for the Por- tal expansion. Believe me when I say this will keep FPS fans hooked for days, and I can only imagine the multiplayer possibilities. Check the official site (http://www.apertures- cience.com) if you want to see why it’s worth waiting for. Another delay announced ear- lier this month was for the World of Warcraft expansion pack, Burn- ing Crusade. Originally tipped for release in time for Christmas, de- veloper Blizzard has pushed the It’s not just gamers who suffer when there are delays – Burning Crusade (above) was set to be a big Christmas seller for developers Blizzard release back to January 2007, giv- ing some excuse about allowing de- velopers enough time to polish the drivel. I would carry on with this the time has his sequel announced. shelves. The official line from de- was because Duke Nukem Source game. one here, but I think I’ll leave it for Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Duke veloper 3dRealms is that it will be looked considerably better than Now, I have two problems with another time because I can go on Nukem himself would be reappear- released “When it’s done.” Wow. whatever rubbish was being thrown this. The first is that an excuse like for ages and ages and ages. Which ing in his brand new video game, Nobody knows what the hell is go- around the development offices at that is bollocks. “Polish the game” is still nowhere near as long as Duke Nukem Forever. ing on with them anymore, and they 3dRealms. Selfish gits. just has “we were too lazy to do it some people spend playing the crap Having played the original series give the most half-arsed release Maybe I’m complaining too much in time” smeared all over it. They (Back in the drawer, Mister Sharp! like the little nooblet that I was, I date ever. though. As the old saying goes, good could have at least put some thought – Mike) was excited. So I waited. Screen- Guys, you wouldn’t release half a things come to those who wait. Most into making it feasible – why not try The thing is though, there are shots were released, so I waited game would you?! They even went hope that the PS3 will be the best the old “we had a problem produc- some times when the developers a bit more. Videos were released, as far as threatening legal action on the market when (alright, if) it ing the PAL blu-ray diodes” trick? just go too far. Let’s go back, to, ooh, and still I was waiting. Here we against a mod team developing a eventually arrives. Many delayed Secondly is that I really don’t think 1997? Perhaps one of the most well- are, a decade on, and Duke Nukem Duke 3D Source game, as a mod games in the past have been well we need an expansion pack for this known video game characters of (taking) Forever is yet to hit our for Half Life 2. My thinking is that it worth the wait.

Left – Half-Life 2: Episode Two, a triple pack of Source games now delayed until Summer 2007. Right – Duke Nukem Forever, and the newest screenshot available. Six years old

– SHODAN, “Look at you, Hacker. A pathetic creature of meat and bone.” System Shock 24 felix Friday 1 December 2006 Clubs&Societies Pantomime polo in Hyde park!

Kat Gray wet, which delayed our minibus, ICU Riding and Polo Club Chair but in the end we made it to FHM Polo Club in West Sussex, where Riding Club has recently become we met Francis Matthews, our Riding and Polo Club, and to cel- new polo instructor. We split into ebrate we had a weekend of polo two groups for our taster sessions related activities – panto-polo on and learned how to deal with our Saturday and a couple of polo taster ponies, which are just about as dif- sessions on Sunday. ferent from riding school ponies as Saturday started out pretty wet, you could imagine, as well as how and I think this put some people to hit the ball…although I think my off, but there were still enough very pony kicked it for me more than I keen (or slightly mad) participants hit it! We also learned a bit about for us to make our way over to Hyde the rules and then played a mini- Park and play some foot-polo. This chukka. It was great fun and I’m was great fun, much more difficult pretty sure everyone that went en- than most of us were expecting, and joyed themselves, with several say- resulted in almost everyone end- ing they were already addicted and ing up on the floor at some point! would be coming back for more. I Once we’d mastered the ability to highly recommend the sport to any actually hit the ball rather than the speed-freak, played properly it real- leaves, we played a couple of “seri- ly is fast! To make things easier it’s ous” chukkas and the score was re- best if you can ride a horse in walk ally close at 7-5. Then, when we’d and trot without assistance before had enough of being “serious” we playing polo, just so you’re not wor- brought out the panto-ponies!! This rying about what the horse is up to certainly got us plenty of atten- too much. This usually only takes tion, lots of photos, including ones a few riding lessons to achieve so taken with a woman out for her hen don’t be put off by it. party and a random American tour- If you have any questions about ist, presumably to prove to their either riding or polo, or if you’d like friends that they didn’t hallucinate to have a go at either, please get in a group of students wearing inflata- touch with us on riding@imperial. ble horse-costumes playing polo in ac.uk. We ride every Wednesday af- Hyde Park! There are some amaz- ternoon and our next polo session ing photos of this (especially of Jon will be on Sunday 10th December. Matthews for some reason…) and Riders or polo players of any abil- they’ll be going up on our website, ity can be catered for. Also anyone www.union.ic.ac.uk/acc/riding, over interested in borrowing/buying the the weekend so go and have a look! horses costumes for bar nights, fan- Sunday also started out pretty cy dress parties etc. get in touch. Panto-ponies ready for action, plus random American who couldn’t quite believe she wasn’t hallucinating Audience wowed by MSF Charity Talent Show

Sarah Benafif is an independent humanitarian the meantime, areas in which med- people, it wasn’t difficult to gage amount of money raised by the medical aid agency committed to ical students can get involved are the response to the various acts; event, a raffle was held, in which a On the 10th of November, 2006 two objectives: providing medical ample and include raising aware- this was especially so for Rashad number of donated prizes were up ICSM saw its first charity talent aid wherever needed, regardless ness about MSF and its projects Zafarulla’sperformance as a hu- for grabs. These included a number show held in aid of Médecins Sans of race, religion, politics or sex and and raising funds for MSF as it is man beatbox who won the compe- of Toni and Guy haircuts, a meal at Frontières. The event at the Rey- raising awareness of the plight of a non-governmental organization tition hands-down by replicating Nandos and a pair of tickets for the nolds bar at Charing Cross Hospital the people they help www.msf.org. and relies on donations from the various songs using ‘the art of vocal London Eye among other things. included a broad and colourful vari- Understandably opportunities for public. percussion’. He was even brought All attendees were extremely gen- ety of acts ranging from the 6 piece involvement in MSF’s international With this in mind, a group of 5th back on stage by Martin Bailey for erous in taking part in the raffle, band, Dirtbag and the Empire, to projects require that doctors have year IC medics came up with the an encore in which the two of them many people buying several tickets the dancers of The Ok Go! Team, to completed at least two years at idea of holding a talent competition wowed us with an impromptu ren- at a time. the hip-shaking Shakira-esque bel- SHO level, therefore eager medical in aid of MSF. Since an event of this dition of The White Stripes’ ‘Seven All in all, the first Charity Tal- lydancer, Canan. students wanting to get involved type had never been held at ICSM Nation Army’. Rashad was ex- ent Show at ICSM proved to be an Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) have to wait patiently to apply. In we hoped it would attract a lot of tremely generous in donating his extremely popular and successful interest. £100 prize to the evening’s cause. event. It would not have been pos- After months of planning, the In second place came the four- sible without the hard work of the night was finally upon us. With the some making up The Ok Go! Team organising committee who were sense of excitement and anticipa- whose awesome synchronised headed up by Meryem Kaya and tion in the air, the audience started dance won them £50 off a meal at Samina Zaman, nor would it have arriving and before we knew it the Café Lazeez in South Kensington. been as successful without the student bar was heaving. The event They were closely followed by the volunteers who helped out on the proved to be very popular indeed. It exotic bellydancer Canan, who won night, of whom we must mention was inevitable that with a £100 cash the third place prize of £30. Phil Stennet who handled all the prize up for grabs for the first-place As the judges deliberated over stage and sound equipment on the winner the standard of the perform- who the winners would be, there night and IC’s Jazz and Rock So- ing acts was going to be very high. was another entertainment slot in ciety who provided the equipment And they didn’t disappoint; our two store in the form of the Bachelor/ completely free of charge. judges on the night were (Dr) Adam Bachelorette Auction in which in- A number of companies were also Kay, who we all know and love for dividuals were auctioned off to the very generous in donating prizes the crude medical spin he puts on highest bidder who then got the for our raffle, as well as donating well known pop songs, and Jenni- pleasure of their company for an cash amounts to help cover costs; fer Van Griethuysen of the Medsin evening along with two free cin- the latter consisted of the British Imperial committee. Between the ema passes which had been kindly Medical Association, the Medical judges and the show presenters, donated by Vue and Cineworld cin- Defence Union, the Medical Protec- Richard Moss and Martin Bailey, emas. The winning bids ranged be- tion Society and Wesleyan Medical the humorous banter and cheeky tween £12 and £35 and helped raise Sickness. Their extreme kindness comments between acts added to even more money for the event’s allowed all profits from the event to the entertainment of the night. cause. go directly to MSF and enabled us The Talent Show Committee celebrates the end of a great show With an audience of about 350 In a final effort to maximise the to reach a grand total of £2008. Friday 1 December 2006 felix 25

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] End of term music and shows diary

It’s that time of year again! You can’t get up or down Oxford Street for manic shoppers convinced that the High Street will sell out of all those novelty socks and ties that inevitably end up under everyone’s tree. The electricity bill for the City of London increases tenfold while people complain that the decorations were much better last year. And coursework deadlines are coming in thick and fast. If this depresses you then take some time to chill out at any of the great shows below. Imperial Students have been working hard all term to put on a challenging and impressive programe of events for this festive season. Tickets are very reasonably priced for students and I personally will be attempting to go to all of them! Don’t be scared of a little culture – get out there and have some fun! For more information on tickets and prices contact Arts and Ents Secretary Kirsty Patterson at [email protected].

29th November – 2nd December, Tuesday 5th December, 1pm Sunday 10th December, 6pm 7:00pm Imperial College Wind Band ICSM Carol Concert MORT Great Hall Holy Trinity Church, Prince Consort DramSoc Jacob – Ballad for Band Road Union Concert Hall Holst – Second Suite in F A Terry Pratchett book adapted by Tchaikovsky – Capriccio Italien Wednesday 13th December, 6pm Steve Briggs Grainger – Lincolnshire Posey IC Carol Concert Holy Trinity Church, Prince Consort Sunday 3rd – 4th December, 7:30pm Friday 8th December, 8pm Road MTSoc Revue IC Choir Union Concert Hall Great Hall Thursday 14th December Free entry. Donations for the Terrence Poulenc – Gloria Jazz Big Band Gig Higgins Trust Stravinsky – Symphony of Psalms dB’s at the Union

Friday 1st December, 8pm Saturday 9th December, 8pm Friday 15th December, 6:30pm Imperial College Symphony Orchestra New London Opera Group ULU Chamber Choir Carol Concert Great Hall Holy Trinity Church, Prince Consort St. Georges Church, Short Ride in a Fast Machine – John Road Bloomsbury Adams Britten Piano Concerto – Soloist Melis- sa Daly Shostakovich – 10th Symphony

Saturday 2nd December, 7.30pm VOLUNTEERS NEEDED! Imperial College String Ensemble Why not get active in the community whilst you’re at St Paul’s Church, 32 Wilton place Imperial College London? It doesn’t matter if you work or (nearest tube: Hyde Park Corner) study in Imperial - volunteering will have always something Parry – Lady Radnor’s Suite to offer you! We have over 250 volunteering opportunities in our database, so there should be a project for you. Vaughan Williams – Fantasia on a theme by Thomas Tallis The easiest way to get regular updates about volunteering Boccherini – Cello concerto in G Major is by signing up to our mailing list. You will receive all the latest opportunities on a weekly basis, directly to your by Soloist Nelson Ferreira email inbox. Simply send us an email, clearly stating that Elgar – Introduction and Allegro you want to receive the weekly news bulletin and we will and special appearance by Imperial do the rest!

Brass Imperial Volunteer Centre Linking Opportunities Saturday 2nd December, 7.30pm University of London Symphony [email protected] Orchestra 020 7594 8141 St Stephen’s Church, Gloucester Road www.imperial.ac.uk/volunteering Tchaikovsky – Marche Slave Stravinsky – Firebird Suite Rachmaninov – 2nd Symphony IMPERIAL VOLUNTEER CENTRE IN PARTNERSHIP WITH IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION 26 felix Friday 1 December 2006

COFFEE BREAK coff [email protected] Sex, lies and radioactive sushi The Sarge is very eagerly looking forward to the new cold war, where sushi is a weapon of mass destruction

of healthier options, mate!) starts losing his hair and subsequently Answers for Issue 1362: dies of radiation poisoning. Coinci- Where is Sarge? dence? Must be… 1. The Royal Albert Hall Now, normally I’m the first to 2. The Queen’s Tower jump up and down and scream at people about the dangers of eating 3. Imperial College Library sushi at Itsu, especially the branch 4. Faculty Building (Blue Cube) in Piccadilly - who coincidently hap- 5. Union Building pen to be proudly sponsored by IC Catering - quite clearly the Rus- 6. Sir Alexander Fleming sians have yet to spy on the general Building - Bonus mark for de- student consensus of where to eat rogatory comment to medics in London, and as can obviously be seen, and it’s their loss, frankly. If 7. Bessemer Building - Bonus you absolutely have to eat at Itsu, mark for detogatory comment ever, though, my advice is to avoid with regards to colour choice the tuna, they tend to leave it out for a few weeks before it gets plonked A photo taken from a top-secret KGB handbook, showing two agents 8. Royal School of Mines Sergeant Sargent on a bit of rice – don’t say you with evil grins eating sushi off the back of their latest dead victim 9. Skempton Building, CGCU haven’t been warned. Motor Kart Garage Let’s think about it logically, ket, or frankly in Camden market) because not enough of them were Wait, hold up, hold on just a second. though. The KGB has been going pistols, and sent them barging into croaking to make it a worthwhile ef- Answers for Issue 1364: The Russian government and the about its business of destroying life the restaurant to drill three into the fort, frankly). Who cares? KGB, being the geniuses they are, wherever it sees fit for yonks now, poor guy’s chest. Not only would the Anyway, this week’s Coffee Break Arse or Elbow? passed a law about a month ago and it was not really any big sur- powers that be not have the faintest stars the new, gadgetless, extreme- 1. Arse that allows the KGB (oh come on, prise to see this dude dead, to be idea it was KGB, but such an ingen- ly metrosexual James Bond. Gone 2. Elbow they can call it what they want, it’s honest - journo, big critic of presi- ious idea would completely throw are the days when he would leave always going to be the KGB) to kill dent, shot dead. Ex-spy, investigat- them off the trail by making them a woman gasping for breath in bed 3. Elbow people in foreign countries, as if ing her murder? Surely somebody start their manhunt in Brixton. before getting her to lick his dick 4. Elbow the rest of the world have to auto- somewhere saw it coming. People are getting into a big fuss clean and proceeding to rip the 5. Arse matically usher people out of their No, here’s what I would have over the entire spectacle, even more heads off fifty bad guys with his assassin’s way so they can do their done. I would have taken two rook- so than when Bliar sent fourteen bare hands before firng a bazooka 6. Arse job. Pretty conveniently, a couple of ie agents who had no fucking clue troops to Iraq to play crash-dummy up the arse of the big bad guy. No, 7. Elbow weeks later, some Russian former- what they were doing, dressed into each other in spanking new the only naked we got to see was 8. Arse spy who defected to England of all them up in hoodies and given them helicopters solely for the amuse- him in short shorts. Sarge gives Ca- 9. Arse places (I could have given you a list readily available (on the black mar- ment of Curious George (and also sino Royale two thumbs up...

Round 3 - I Spy

Maximum of 13 + 1 points The Sarge is a big fan of Bond because that new guy would be welcome in his bunk bed any day of the week. Name the actor playing Bond and (except questions 5 and 6) the name of the film the snapshot is from.

Answers

Issue 1366: 123I Spy

Bond gets frisky with an old friend - which Sarge believes this is possibly the most camp RAWR! If you don’t know who this is, don’t film is this from and who’s playing Bond? Bond ever. Who is he and what film is it? consider a career in the army. 1.

2.

3.

4.

5. 456

Sexy bird with a pistol. Bond had better shoot No movie required here, so only one normal No movie required here either, but who is 6. or he’ll get the daylights scared out of him... point (nudge wink). Who’s this shexy man? this man and what is his significance to 007? 7. Oooh, a bonus question, goody goody. You’ve got two points for this one. Who was the first Bond to record the famous ‘Gun Barrel’ scene, 7 and in which film was it first shown? Friday 1 December 2006 felix 27

PUZZLES [email protected] Sudoku 1,366 This Week’s Oscilloscopes

Complete the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov) Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar) Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul) square contains the digits 1 to 9. E-mail your solution to sudoku. [email protected] by Tuesday 9am. We will randomly select “Something kinda Anton J, I can see you, Hi, my name is Mike a winner to receive either a 128MB USB stick or a crate of beer. ‘Ooooooo’, jumping on you dirty, dirty man. Cook. My favourite You must claim your prize within a week. my ‘toooot toot’. The You enjoy fellating past times include ramblings of a can- farm animals and peeling potatoes, nibalistic Felix writer, have been known to trimming my navel Matthew Ho-Bag pick pickled peppers hair and scraping 2 5 8 9 as he teddybear rolls around the with your penis, you pervert. The finger poo from keyboards. I have blue and navy speckled office floor Horoscope Team will hunt you a plethora of talents, especially celebrating life, God, table fussball down and make you taste their rimming. Call me now for fun times 3 7 8 9 4 5 1 and Turkish delight. “angry sticks”. LOL COCKS!!!11 and I fix you up good. Ciao ciao. Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec) Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr) Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug) 2 This week you meet You star sign looks like The Bearded Intruder Hugh The Man Stuck a pair of tightly com- is absent this week, 6 3 5 In A Muddy Field. You pressed butt cheeks. after his beard and tell him you appreciat- Upon realising this, his very lineage were ed his crossword help you loosen your sup- insulted by some cock 4 last week, especially posed buttocks. Little with an attitude prob- since the the Xword Cru got one do you know that a small homosex- lem and, more offensively, stupid over on the SudoKru. Someone ual goblin-like creature called Toby hair. In response, he has taken the 1 2 3 knees you in the bojangles – I has been waiting his whole life for only mature approach available mean, who the hell talks like that? this moment. You feel pain. and stormed off in a hissy fit. 1 Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan) Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May) Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept) Unfortunately, your This week you will There’s a fly in the 2 6 4 5 1 3 8 dentist informs you convince yourself that dungeon, dear Andy, he is relocating to all your friends are dear Andy. Well swat Buenos Aires, Mexico. called Juan-Fernando. it dear Tomo, dear 9 5 3 7 You have no choice In reaction to their Tomo. With what shall but to fly out to get bemusement of your I swat it dear Andy, your pegs cleaned. Upon leaving new found label for them, you chop dear Andy? A copy of Felix dear Solution to 1,364 Jotting pad the plane, a collection of gringos off both your arms. You can no Tomo, dear Tomo. Sacrilege. If I point and laugh. Buenos Aires is in longer hug the world and all of its catch ANY of you fuckers mistreat- 2 6 3 8 9 5 1 4 7 Brazil – Mongoloid. little children. You suck. Eggs. ing this newspaper, you’re dead. 9 8 4 1 7 3 6 2 5 1 7 5 4 6 2 9 8 3 Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb) Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun) Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22) 6 4 2 9 3 1 5 7 8 5 9 8 2 4 7 3 1 6 Waves. That’s what You hear someone This week you discov- that is a picture of. Or knocking at door at er the joys of granary 7 3 1 5 8 6 4 9 2 is it streaky bacon? 7:28 pm. You go to bread. The grains feel 8 5 9 6 2 4 7 3 1 I can’t quite decide open it and there he like an angel from 4 1 7 3 5 8 2 6 9 now I think about it. is, dripping wet, shirt heaven tickling your 3 2 6 7 1 9 8 5 4 Perhaps it’s in fact a half-open and foppish tongue. You deck out pair of twiglets. Nik Naks anyone? hair framing his gorgeous visage. your new Kensington spread with a Thanks to everyone who entered a Worms racing head to head in Yes, you’ve been expecting him for granary loaf bed. It’s so soft! Mould fortnight ago. Yean Chooi: A winner some “fashionable” Guiness Extra so long. It’s your dad! You need to begins to grow and your skin turns is you. Keep those entries coming in! Cold advert. You decide. see a therapist you sex-mad freak. a fluffy dull green texture.

Felix Crossword 1,366 Rawden

1 2 3 4 4 5 6 ACROSS 26 New Musical Express, we hear, Greetings, crossword fans! 1 Standard bore (7) is against us (5) This week’s crossword has 7 8 4 Damp leaves have plenty (5) 27 Order male escort (7) something of a mathematical 7 Fact: roofless taxi Order of theme. Well, more of a hint really 9 10 11 Merit (5) rather than a theme - I got bored 9 Rubbish! Perhaps leave game DOWN and forgot to keep putting maths (5) 1 Copper biro has third degree (5) terms in. 11 Non-descript sounding mode of 2 Field above North cloth (5) Apparently I’ve been criticised 12 13 transport (5) 3 Mix grey ale fervently (7) for having too many anagrams in 12 Continual missing ant – er, 4 Shocked if I complain at noise my crosswords. In response to country dismay (13) increase (13) this, I’ve added even more for your 14 Sounds like an associate joint 5 Simple scheme I inserted (5) further enjoyment. However, with 11 14 15 16 offence (6) 6 Gee, lies about requiems (7) any luck they’re slightly more well 15 Clubs’ arid-sounding endless 8 Is Earth surrounded? (6) hidden than normal. Well, probably verse (7) 10 Rightness to hoot angrily not, but that was the intention. 17 Cosine in adhesive sugar (7) abused (13) Anyway, it’s probably best if you 17 18 19 16 19 Peeled off; ran away holding 13 Entrails spoiled Alistair (5) stop reading this twaddle and do Russian gun (6) 16 I arid lengths compute (5) the crossword! Enjoy! 20 Chaotic? No, it’s anarchic too 17 G & coke, perhaps? Bottomless Rawden early (13) bumble muttering (7) 20 21 22 23 Half a dispute, so it’s said, would 18 Conscience itches terribly (6) go well with a curry (5) 19 Goods don’t sink. No A, Sam (7) Solution to Crossword 1,365 24 Relative pleasant with added 20 Saying to Latin era (5) C P I R E P E S N O W S E J R fifth (5) 21 Article thanks eighth Greek (5) N A U S E O U S U I N C H E S 23 24 25 Times Educational Supplement 22 Paper crawled endlessly, or so L R C U N L P T L L T A U T O – the French unit (5) we heard (5) W O L F U Y E A H R I G H T F 25 N L R F I M S T S I R E L I T F E D O R A N E G G W H I S K 26 27 S K I T N T D S T I A O P O R K C L A P H A M C O M M O N R A O N T S T A A H B L O O F F S H O E H O R N I S I P H O N Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page M E O S E C E S P I R H T P S down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Tuesday 9am. S R E F R E S H E D O O V E R Each week, we’ll choose a winner and give them a tenner. Last week’s N E T A A L O I F I B N A N O winner is Alex Trenchard. Well done, you. I N D I G O N P L A T E A U X C T R R U T E S L N N U E P N at the union dec 1st - dec 14th WEDNESDAY 6TH FRIDAY 1ST DEC ACC Bar Night plus upfront drum and bass CCarlsberg,arlsberg, TTetley’setley’s & BBlackthornlackthorn oonlynly ££1.301.30 a ppintint FRIDAY 1ST DEC 20.00 - 02.00

Free entry before 9pm, £1 thereafter With upfront tunes from: Bryan G Movement: Chronic Records, V Recordings WEDNESDAY 13TH Paxo and Terror: Kool FM - the drum and bass award winning radio station Miss Pink: Blackmarket Records Vodka Streetwise Music and draught only Dj Surreal: Pornstar Party Fabric Live mixer £1.20 Macpherson: all night in with bed and confession booth all bars.

Also our Hookah bar with the relaxation generation. £1 from everyAdmission Hookah is free before sold 9pm will and go £3 toeness thereafter. Aids Week Week. CCarlsberg,arlsberg, TTetley’setley’s & 50% of pre sales will go to Aids Awar org please buy from Aid rep’s or imperialcollegeunion. BlackthornBlackthorn oonlynly /ents collegeunion.org ££1.301.30 a pintpint Free entry before 9pm, £1 thereafter buy your eTicket online now at imperial THURSDAY 7TH FRIDAY 8TH DEC Murder Mystery

2006 20:00 - 02:00 Theme8th December Night Friday ? Can you find the Murderer! DramSoc Actors will be acting out blood bath murders all night

Free entry all night if you are dressed up ALSO ON THIS FORTNIGHT as a famous killer or murdered victim. Fri 1st Subred Tue 5th Da Vinci’s - Quiz Night Drink offers include... Wed 6th ACC Bar Night

Thu 7th Alternative Music Night Vodka Fri 8th Murder Mystery Theme Night and draught mixer £1.20 Tue 12th Da Vinci’s - Quiz Night all night in Wed 13th Pornstar Party all bars. Thu 14th Jazz Big Band Fir 15th Christmas Carnival

imperialcollegeunion.org/ents Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. Friday 1 December 2006 felix 29

SPORT [email protected] dDs dance because they can-can

Ultimate Frizbee Mixed, indoor regionals

Mathias “MadK” Karady

Following morale boosting per- formances with 4 wins out of 4 in the first one-day event of London Winter League, dD Mixed set off to Sussex University and South- East Mixed Indoor Regionals with high hopes, a great set of costumes for the Medieval themed party and even a choreographed routine. Southern Trains did their best to make us miss our first game, but a small scheduling tweak and some good hustle at Lewes station, saw the bulk of the team reinforce the 4 girls and one guy who had the fore- sight to drive. With only 5 minutes to change, the first game, against newcomers Chichester, was going to be tough. Chichester boasted some experience female GB play- ers and one mature PhD student of long experience. The game was very tight, with both teams playing high tempo man-on-man defense. dD relied on the experience of Dirk and Stylish to sneak a small lead and eventually take the game 5-4. The post match activities saw us It began with a passing comment about how comfortable tights can be on cold days and resulted in far too many men in tights introduce the first of our medieval games, Chicken Shoot, where we forced one member of the opposi- ment was there, we lacked a tac- minutes past, but Dirk, Mary and strict their star player’s options. wasn’t enough and we went down tion to be the target for one their tical plan for dealing with Kings’ MadK handled calmly and finally Our girls all played chase, running 7-10. The highlight of the game was, teammates armed with a rubber zonal defense. We turned over pos- forced the opening to take the game after the disc in defense, whilst the fresher, Emma scoring; ensuring bow and arrow. session too often and were pun- 5-4, securing a place in the top 8 boys took zonal places further up the whole team had scored over the Our next match was against the ished over and over again, the final for Sunday. The toughness of our the field, marking out the area in weekend. Chichester went on to fin- host university’s second team, Mo- result being our heaviest loss of the pool was revealed when it turned which to throw. The tactic worked, ish 3rd. hawks II, and was another stumble weekend at 3-8. out that Chichester, Thrown and producing many turnovers, which We still had a shot for 4th place, onto the pitch affair. The game be- A three-way tie at the top of our ourselves secured 4th, 5th and 6th we punished ruthlessly, ending the via the 4-5 qualification final, but gan with the dD’s taking a comfort- pool saw us relegated to third and seeds respectively, out of 16 teams. game 15-4. we needed to beat our bogey team, able lead; forcing Mohawks to play a lowly seeding of 12th. We still had With our games complete, we re- Holloway were the first team to Thrown, whom we were to play their only 3 women whenever pos- a chance of top 8 in the shape of a turned to our host’s house for pizza, see our fully choreographed rou- again. This time, we were better sible. Mohawks scored a few points crossover game against 5th seeds a quick round of ring of fire and tine; singing of the main theme prepared, matching their zone with late on, but the game ended 7-3 in UCL. Our fellow Londoners were most importantly our Men in Tights of Men in Tights, complete with our own. The first point was difficult Imperial’s favour. also fans of the zone defence; this costumes. We had a blast at the can-can. with Thrown going close on two oc- Our second medieval game con- time we were better prepared. The party and danced the night away. With a top 6 place secure, we casions, but we turned them over sisted of bum-slap fencing with three opening four points were traded There were several candidates for went into our next game, a rematch and scored. players picked from each team. evenly, but disaster struck; a couple the sharking prize, but I’ll mention against Chichester, with high hopes The next three points were trad- Mohawks managed a moral victory of cheap mistakes gifted UCL a 4- no names, they know who they are. of making the top 4 and qualifying ed evenly then Thrown scored two with one of their girls promptly dis- 2 lead. This was too much for one Sunday morning saw us back in for Mixed Nationals. quick points, we responded bring- patching all our players! of players, resulting in a dropped Sussex, on the pitch for the first Hoping to replicate the success of ing the score back to 4-4. Nerves With 2 wins, we were looking to win kicked bottle and an enforced “cool- game of the day against Royal our zonal defense in our last game, struck during this point, with both our pool of 4 teams and guarantee down” by our captain who refused Holloway. we threw it again, hoping to pressu- teams going close- it was Kings a top 8 finish; in the way stood our to be flustered. With the success of our costumes rise Chichester from the start. The who scored. With just over a minute bitter rivals (and friends), Thrown, Despite the pressure, dD rallied, at the party, it was decided to play first point was very long, Chiches- left, we fought hard and came very of Kings College London. The dD’s scoring two quick points and tak- the day’s game wearing our tights ter held possession, with surprising close, conceding only in the dying have never beaten Thrown indoors, ing possession of the disc in the (in the case of one player, only his confidence, eventually finding a gap seconds with Thrown taking the whilst Thrown have never beaten sudden-death overtime point. UCL tights). A mixture of hangovers, through our lines to score. game 4-6. the dD’s in outdoor Ultimate. threw up a wall of 4 players on their tiredness, and their 6’7’’ monster Our offence struggled and we The weekend ended with dD lying Our confidence was high, as endzone line, forcing us to patiently of a player left us feeling a little soon found ourselves on the wrong in 6th place, representing the best Thrown had just lost to Chichester. swing disc from sideline to sideline apprehensive at the start of this end of an 8-3 score line. A mini-re- indoor finish for Imperial in the last Unfortunately, whilst our commit- looking for an opening. Nervous game. The dD’s used a zone to re- surgence in the last few minutes 3 years.

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SPORT [email protected] St Barts bowled over by IC Row-ow-wing Jonty McNuff

Anyone passing the river at Putney last Saturday may have seen more activity than usual. The 27th, head of the river, fours race was taking place, with over 500 crews and 2000 rowers competing. Sponsored and run by Fuller’s, the prize for win- ning your category is a literal piss up at the Fuller’s stag brewery; there was a lot more at stake than just pride. Imperial entered 7 crews, in vari- ous categories. The first boat; Adam Freeman-Pask, Will Laughton, Mar- tin Rogulja and George Whittaker, entered in senior 2 quads, won by a clear 6 seconds. They beat over 60 boats including an Oxford Brookes boat containing an Olympian and 3 U23 GB International athletes. This result was a good send off for George, who is going to Thailand for 3 months in the interest of ‘work’. The second boat entered in the senior 1 coxless fours didn’t fare so well; the wrong side of a 6 sec- ond deficit. A disappointing row combined with injuries placed Ole Tietz, Jonty McNuff, Simon Hislop and Ben Smith in third. ICs third boat; Scott Rennie, Dan Cadoux-Hudson, Rob Manton and Mark Mearing-Smith, finished 9th in senior 2 coxed fours. A respect- able result for a line up with a swap of sides for Rob and a change of role for Rhino Rennie. IC IV, entered in senior 2 coxless fours was not al- The Ladies 2nd team. all dressed up in their beautiful new strip, courtesy of our lovely friends at Deloitte, yes that’s Deloitte lowed to race competitively having substituted out every individual from the original entered crew- a of the few parts of her body not pro- some awesome opportunities; Mala onto one of the opposition’s knees; fairly harsh ruling. Ladies Hockey tected by padding. closely missing a wonderful shot a swift request for ICE followed. The women’s top boat was Helen IC 2nds 4 St Barts, adopted a clever ploy of from the post and Dasha missing a Mala worked hard in midfield, pro- Ellison, Carlyn Greenhalgh, Kay St Barts 3rds 0 arriving late in the vain hope that beautiful backhand flick. In a match viding a much-needed link between Jacks and Cynthia Mynhardt also we’d be so tired and wet by the where IC were too lazy to pull back attack and defence, even managing coming 9th in senior 2 quads, a rea- time the game commenced; giv- and defend, the defence did well to to hold posotion whilst falling into sonable result for a tough event. Dasha Nakariakova ing themselves an outside chance. keep a vicious resistance and the a ‘splits’ position! Trish, in goal, The women’s squad also secured They overdid the tardiness and ar- ball in the attacking half for most of intimidated St Bart’s attackers be- 4th and 14th place in senior 3 coxed The day began well with a member rived over 30 minutes late giving the half. fore they even passed the half way fours. of the men’s hockey team, who will IC the opportunity to be granted a As the teams formed their half line- it wasn’t until the last couple The crews decided on a quiet remain anonymous, chasing after walkover. IC’s generous captain, Fi, time huddles IC had only 1 goal of minutes that she even touched drink in the local pub. This soon the coach as it set off to Harlington, allowed them the dignity of getting under their belts. The half time the ball! Fi, as sweeper, cleared went out of the window and the displaying impressive dedication. their butts kicked in a fair match. talk suggested IC would have to in- every threatening or wayward ball; squad descended, en masse, to (No, this was not due to the mag- The game commenced with a crease their energy, if captain, Fi, allowing IC another opportunity to the London Rowing Club ‘Jungle netic allure of the Ladies hockey very intimidated opposition trying were to be kept happy; “We need attack. The 2nd half was far more themed’ party. Being greeted by team; the men were also playing at desperately to work out how many more players in their ‘D’”. “We rewarding for IC with 2 graceful fake tan smothered men wearing home.) they had on the pitch and why they need to get back and defend more goals from the posts from Mala thongs is always a good start to a Upon arriving in Harlington, the were surrounded by a threaten- quickly”, “Stick to your marker like and Melissa. St Bart’s began to night. Responsible drinking was ob- IC girls, defied the elements; pro- ing sea of blue and red shirts (we glue”, “We need more movement; play rather viciously in desperation served during the unimaginatively ceeding to warm up in a torrential had lots of subs and some fabulous look for spaces”. which led to several minor injuries. named Strongbow and Bottle of downpour. Having beaten the op- cheerleaders a.k.a the mens 3rd IC emerged for the second half Amanda scored a 4th with a clever Rum challenge. Imperial are very position, St Barts 3rds, 12-0 in our and 4th teams). IC were lacklus- enraged by the low score and ready manoeuvre which confused the thankful to London for their ‘pour previous encounter IC were in a tre compared to usual; with a lack for a slice of goal pie. The defence, goalie. The match ended with cel- your own drink’ policy at the bar. confident mood. So confident that of passing and communication be- again, repelling all of St Bart’s ebratory brownies in the changing The only casualty of the night being Bella decided we didn’t really need tween defence and attack. movements towards IC’s goal, with rooms courtesy of Mala which lifted Olly Moore, who was outfoxed by a our (fabulous new) keeper, Trish, As the first half progressed IC Bella taking some incredible hit IC spirits which were otherwise loose floorboard, suffering the big- and promptly belted a ball into one picked their form up and produced outs, one of which found its way disheartened by the lack goals. gest swollen ankle I’ve ever seen.

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SPORT [email protected]

Sports results from Virgin freshers in abundance 22nd November

Badminton: Mens 1st 3 Oxford 1st 5

Mens 2nd 1 Queen Mary 1st 7

Womens 1st 3 Hertfordshire 1st 5

Basketball: Mens 1st 88 Bedfordshire 1st 91

Fencing: Mens 1st 135 Sussex 1st 103

Womens 1st 135 Reading 1st 77

Football: Mens 1st 1 St Marys 2nd 1

Mens 4th 4 Royal Holloway 4th 6

Mens 6th 1 University of the Arts 1st 3

Mens 7th 2 Royal Free 4th 2 The editor was tempted to write this caption himself, then he remembered how much he shits himself at the thought of angry Virgins Hockey: Mens 1st 6 Imperial Medicals 1st 4 Women’s Rugby Women’s Rugby Women’s Rugby Women’s Rugby Kent 39 St Georges 20 GKT 29 ICURFC 40 Mens 2nd 11 ICURFC 5 ICURFC 47 ICURFC 27 Writtle 20 LSE 2nd 0

Mens 3rd 2 Royal Free 2nd 1 Samantha Pemberton We arrived at George’s ground on GKT aka Kings College School of Before this glorious day which was a sunny autumn day, expecting to Medicine, Dentistry, Physiotherapy, to be the setting for our first home Mens 4th 0 Our first match of the season came be the less experienced underdogs Biomedical Sciences, Nursing, Life match I had never heard of Writtle Brunel 3rd 4 relatively late; with two different op- again; we could not have been more Sciences etc, etc, at the campuses College. positions cancelling and postponing wrong! of Kings, Guys and St Thomas’ Hos- When they arrived, to our amaze- Womens 1st 1 on us. As a result we turned up for It was their first match of the sea- pitals may have the longest official ment we discovered they were an Brunel 1st 3 our first BUSA encounter greener son and they had barely any tack- name for, well, anything in history, agricultural college from Essex, than we would have liked, with a ling practice. Again we were largely but bless them since they arrived chav farmers I hear you say, but Womens 2nd 4 team where all, but three, had nev- a fresher team and only had 13, with only 11 players after being bro- there was no Burberry in sight! St Barts 3rd 0 er started for the Virgins before! luckily Georges did too. With two ken the previous Wednesday and For the first time this season we Despite this, and arriving with only inexperienced incomplete sides it even before kick off their attitude had a full team, as many from the Lacrosse: 14 players, we were still fired-up for promised to be a far more evenly gave us a hint as to why. We had 16 older years came to join our fantas- Womens 1st 3 the challenge ahead. matched contest than our previous players but they would not concede tic crew of freshers. Kings College 1st 9 Kent were a well drilled side; with encounter. and play a friendly so we played Being our first home match of the a squad of 19, it was a case of sink Unfortunately, the referee made under protest knowing full well we season we were determined to win Netball or swim for our 11 Rugby Freshers! the mistake of telling both sides, be- would get the 3 points and it gave us and we had the perfect start with Womens 1st 27 Thankfully they all swam very well. fore the match, that this was his first a chance to play some of our least Sam Pemberton running in a quick Bucks Chilterns 1st 21 Three of our pack were equal to time refereeing- and it showed. experienced freshers with the pres- try against the team that size wise it the weight of one of theirs, but IC We dominated in the first half; our sure slightly off. was difficult to distinguish between Womens 2nd 12 held thier own in the first half. We backs, particularly Sam Pemberton Saying this, we had no intention them and the animals they care for. St Georges 3rd 36 had an impeccable defence, tack- and Jess Alcena, took advantage of of losing and once again a quick try They did however hit back and bull- ling furiously, pushing them back the holes in their defence and ran in from Sam Pemberton showed we dozer a try over several members Rugby: and making the odd break. IC were 3 and 2 tries respectively in the first meant business. We did however of us, and to their credit they used Mens 1st 0 only 7-0 down at half time, despite half; Sam converting one. When not bargain for the well quite frank- what they had well. Reading 1st 22 being a player down, and by no the half time whistle went we had a ly viciousness and dirty tactics from The score did not stay even for means out of the game. comfortable lead of 0-25. many of the GKT players. long Roxanne Crossley got her Vir- Mens 2nd 0 In the second half their superior However, after the break, they re- With punching, kicking and biting gin try after a heroic effort by our Reading 3rd 5 numbers and experience showed. grouped and scored a quick, break they managed to even the score at forwards and a break away try each Until 60 minutes the score re- away try. IC steadied their nerves 22-22 at half time, there was a great from Jess Alcena and Sam. Mens 3rd 0 mained 7-0, but as we tired, they and a fantastic team effort lead to Virgin try from Kasey as well as 3 In the second half their steamroll- Royal Holloway 2nd 77 brought on all their subs; fresh legs a try; involving nearly everyone more tries and a conversion from er technique awarded them three gave them the upper hand. Kent and showing we can support with Sam. further tries but our superior speed Squash: scored 4 break away tries in quick the best of them. The try was exqui- The second half was slightly less and skill showed and both Jess Mens 1st 0 succession, IC did not have the legs sitely finished off by fresher, There- like a one sided boxing match than and Sam ran in two further tries a Essex 1st 5 to chase them. sa Wright, who crossed the line to the first and as much as much as it piece. The weather deteriorated and score her Virgin Try! pains me to admit they rucked very I very much doubt we will meet Mens 2nd 3 the pitch turned into a mud bath, George’s then managed to score well and the teams were only sepa- larger teams than this for the rest City University 1st 0 their forwards weight came into its 3 tries, in, what seemed to be, the rated by a conversion. of the season and in all honesty own and they held us in our own 22, blink of an eye and possibly with the GKT went 22-29 up and were still this match showed just how much Mens 3rd 1 pushing over the try line a further help of the referee. Fortunately IC celebrating their conversion when potential the Virgins have and how LSE 2nd 2 two further times, both of which did not give up and both Jess and Sam ran in a quick try which soon formidable we can and will be when which were converted. Sam got another try each before shut them up. Unfortunately we did our freshers have a season under Womens 1st 3 The Virgins did not give up, when the full time whistle was blown. not manage to kick to following con- their belt. LSE 1st 1 Kent thought they had complete The best part of the day was yet version and they emerged eventual control, Sam Pemberton, ran in a to come, the George’s girls were ex- ‘winners’. Tennis: fantastic, team effort, try which was cellent; providing us with free pizza I have never played in such an With thanks to our sponsors: Mens 1st 10 the last play of the match. and booze for as long as we could ill tempered unsportsmanlike like LSE 2nd 0 Althouth IC lost, our freshers eat and drink. George’s are by far match and I’m very proud to say were fantastic; managing to hold the nicest bunch of people the Vir- we did not sink to their level and Womens 1st 10 off a much more experienced and gins ever had the pleasure to play despite the score we can hold our Brighton 1st 0 weighty side for 60 minutes with a against. heads up high. CROSSWORD SUDOKU Sport page 27 Ladies Hockey Cyclists fly on downhill track Brunel 1sts 3 IC 1sts 1

Sarah Clayton

The Ladies 1sts faced Brunel, away, last Wednesday. Yes, the team who beat us 9-1 only a few weeks ago! Thankfully, spirits were high as we knew we had improved in leaps & bounds since that black day. We only lost, more narrowly than the score suggests, 3-1; Partly due to the fact that two of their goals should have been disallowed. The first was at the very end of half time. Roxy was off due to a ball be- ing smacked into her hand, so IC were a man down as we have no subs, according to our coach the halftime should have gone when they managed to sneak one past us. The 2nd was stopped by Debs on the line & the umpire called it over even though three IC players clearly saw it didn’t. Despite this controversy and yet another defeat our team left the pitch smiling. It was our best match to date; we all clicked as a team with great improvement all round. The team play on the pitch has been a bit of a struggle this season with over half our squad being fresh- er’s. After a lot of hard work & en- thusiasm we seem to have our team in order; the inter-play between Kate, as centre-mid, and Roxy, on the left wing, was exemplary. Vicky & Pru created a whirlwind upfront leaving the Brunel defenders op- tion less at every free hit. Both Shiv & Anna’s, left and right-mid respec- tively, work rate was exceptional high; as always. Lil’ Han managed No matter how hard you look there are no nakedness or subtle arse shots this week, I promise. I know you’re still looking - stop it! to push more than her fair weight around the pitch and Deborah was always where she was needed. Stephen Motley man said they would, so most of the which then leads into the bottom clip pedals fast enough and keeling Flustered Brunel never managed tracks were dry and ready for some half of DH3, another very good run. over at the starting blocks of the 4X to score from their countless short For a change, the sun was shining mud-free riding. There were no major injures ex- track in front of a group of 12 year corners due to Hannah’s aggres- as we set out to on our way to Aston There are a multitude of downhill cept to our egos, with Kofi “the fly- olds. Oh, how they laughed. sive running and courageous dives Hill. After a quick one hour drive tracks at Aston hill as well as a fair- ing man” Danso doing as his nick- Eventually though the day drew from our goalie Sam, once she had and supermarket stop we arrived at ly good cross country course and name suggests and leaving his bike to a close. With rain beginning to put her shoulder back in place! our local downhill and cross coun- we set out doing all of them except behind, landing on his knees at the fall and a group of very tired cyclist, There was 100% commitment try spot ready for a full day’s riding. the cross country. bottom of the same drop twice, and we loaded up the van and set off shown by the whole team and Alex, Luckily the heavens hadn’t opened My favourite was the 4X track James “topple over” Atteck not be- back taking a “scenic detour” north our coach, was very proud; an en- up the day before like the weather with big burrs and smooth ramps ing able to get his feet out of the on the M1 back to London. joyable afternoon of hockey.

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