Feature 101211 p26-31 Thirty years. FSchwartz.qxd 10/5/2011 5:23 PM Page 26

FEATURE

Thirty Years

On the Road to Parenthood Three endless decades — that’s how long Rabbi and Mrs. Tovia Meir Neiman waited until they finally merited attaining the joyous title ‘parent’

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BY YITZCHOK S. DREZDNER children dressed up in costumes, children delivering mishloach manos, children “Vesamachta bechagecha…” It’s a season of happiness for our entire spinning their graggers… I remember one Motzoei Shabbos nation, as we rejoice with Hashem’s eternal protection in our festooned when I walked into shul and they had sukkos. For the Neiman family of Kiryas , outside of Montreal, just begun an Avos Ubanim session. I Canada, the joy is twofold, for they just celebrated the second birthday of always tried to keep away during Avos Ubanim, when fathers learn with their their twin girls, who were born after thirty long years of childlessness. This sons; it was just too painful to watch. is the second Sukkos that they’ve merited celebrating as parents. This time, I accidentally walked in while the program was in session. Boy did I get We cannot possibly step into the Neimans’ situation and feel the out of there fast! I couldn’t come to magnitude of their struggle, because only someone who has lived through myself for days after that. such an experience can truly identify with their feelings. Nevertheless, You probably understand, perhaps Rabbi Neiman’s personal account of his experience will give us a especially now that you have glimpse into his world, so that we can empathize with others’ struggles. children, that people are not And possibly the happy ending to this story will provide a ray of hope to trying to be insensitive or hurt your feelings… those struggling through their own dark tunnel. May all those who are No, chas veshalom! awaiting a yeshuah merit reaching the end of the tunnel very soon! Let me explain: There is something called envy, which leads to hatred, like when a person wins the lottery and his friends are jealous, especially if they feel What can you tell us about your forget hardships in other areas of life. For he ought to share his newfound wealth feelings during all those years of a childless couple, there are no such with them. But it wasn’t that way with us waiting? moments of joy. at all. We weren’t jealous; we were After thirty years of hoping, praying, simply pained by what we did not have. and dreaming, we were blessed with twin What would you describe as the Even though it was extremely painful to girls, Rivka Shprintzel and Ratzel, born most difficult moment during constantly hear about new births among three minutes apart. those thirty years? close family members and friends, there Words cannot describe the depth of [There were] too many “hardest was never an element of jealousy in our our struggle. Let me just put it in this moments” to enumerate. Ask me rather pain. Childless people are not bad light: Part of a childless couple’s pain is what the easiest moment was. people! It was just so hard to be that they never have a moment of joy. surrounded by the laughter and Any person going through a challenging Okay, what was the easiest? happiness of children… time still has moments of joy, like when It may sound strange, but the truth is I once traveled to Hungary and spent his toddler learns how to say “Mama” or that the easiest times were on Tishah some time in Mishkoltz. A handful of old his little boy is starting to learn kametz- B’Av, because then everybody was sad. men, maybe twelve or thirteen, used to alef. All these milestones and antics are One of the hardest times was , a daven in that shul (this goes back twenty moments of joy that can help a person Yom Tov that centers on children; years). There was such a sad atmosphere

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about them; they were so quiet, their Hashem has granted so much that no one can read his mind. It’s heads bent, with no signs of vitality. chachmah to the doctors and there have impossible to always know the right Once one of their sons came to shul been amazing medical and thing to say. We are only human and we and brought along his young child. technological breakthroughs in recent have to ask Hashem to give us the right Sadly, most of these Holocaust survivors years. So there really is hope, even after words. didn’t have children living close to them thirty years. Then of course there’s the kvater or they didn’t have children at all. But we have to make sure that we dilemma. To offer the honor of carrying Anyway, when this child came into the radiate hope and optimism to those still a baby boy in to his bris to the childless shul, you should have seen the seeking a yeshuah so that they have the relative or not? The childless couple may transformation that took place. The strength to go on. It is so discouraging for not feel comfortable being kvaterim, even whole place seemed to come to life! The a couple to see the people around them though they are fully aware that it’s a child was running around and all the giving up hope, when they are still trying segulah for being blessed with children. men stopped to give him a pat on the to find the light at the end of the tunnel. On the other hand, they may be upset if head, a kiss, a candy. The sad old shul you don’t offer it to them. So how does was suddenly a vibrant beis medrash! You were saying how hard it was one deal with this quandary? That’s the power of children: they to attend simchos. When wishing The best way is to take a rational breathe new life into us. And childless mazel tov to others, what kind of approach. Say, “Listen, brother/sister. people don’t have that. response would you have I’m making a bris. If you want the honor appreciated? of kvater, it’s yours.” Short and simple. You mentioned that observing an I would have wanted to get the The same applies when they wish you Avos Ubanim session was hard. response that the baal simchah was mazel tov. A cordial, “Im yirtzeh Hashem, How about attending simchos? giving all the other well-wishers. But a by you oif simchos” is fine; don’t become It was difficult. Every simchah was a person who is suffering has to realize all dramatic about it. fresh challenge. I’m being totally honest because I can say the truth now. If you had asked me back then, I’d say, “Nah, it’s really okay.” But in all honesty, it was a real challenge. But participating in simchos wasn’t our only challenge. By the time we were married for twenty years, in our quest for a child we had spent so much time, effort and money (and boy, are we in debt, baruch Hashem! If only I’ll manage to pay it off in my lifetime). My mother was so devoted to us; she couldn’t bear to see us suffer and went around borrowing money from people all over the world. And the bitter disappointments that came time and time again. She was so pained by our repeated disappointments that she would tell me — only me, always careful not to hurt my wife — to just say Tehillim again and again, to leave it in Hashem’s Hands. But I consulted with the Tosher Rebbe, shlita, before every single move. I never took any step without his approval. I explained to my mother that the Rebbe had advised us to continue our efforts. Unfortunately, she didn’t live to celebrate the simchah, but I’m sure she is deriving nachas in Shamayim.

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How did you feel when Tehillim that I should say as a segulah. I me what I needed the money for, I found conversations focused on other can only talk for myself, but I was hurt. it hard to share the true reason and was people’s children? Did people It would have been very different if the very vague. Many people turned down change the subject when you or person had come over to me and said, “I my request. You know what I did? I went your wife came in? heard about a segulah to recite certain home, crawled into bed, pulled the Changing the subject abruptly is the kapitlach of Tehillim. If you’re interested, I covers over my head and cried through worst thing you can do. If the family is can give it to you.” But to shove it into the night. In the morning, I went around sitting together and then there’s a my face like that? collecting checks from gemachim [free sudden awkward silence because no one Since your question really addresses loan societies]. knows how to change the subject the general issue of interacting with the The people whom I approached were smoothly — that is the worst feeling! childless, I want to mention one point. not poor and lending $300 wouldn’t The best thing to do is to greet the About twenty years ago, ten years after have burned a hole in their pocket. Yet childless person, “Oh hi, how are you?” our wedding, we traveled to a specialist many of them didn’t respond positively. and then continue your discussion about in Texas. Both my wife and I were taking But they’re not at fault, because I was bottles, babies and diapers. Some people off from work and the tickets, hotel fares very secretive about why I needed the may feel differently, but no one likes it and medical expenses all added up to money. If I had told them the truth — when there’s a sudden, uncomfortable about $10,000, a sum I simply didn’t that I was going to Texas to meet a top break in the conversation. have. I approached some acquaintances specialist, they probably would have Did you appreciate getting chizuk and asked them to lend me $300. I been quicker to lend me the money. I was from others? figured I’d go to about twenty-five or embarrassed to say it outright but in I remember once, five years after my thirty people and ask them each for hindsight, I know that I should have wedding, someone put a small note into $300, thus scraping together the amount been more up-front about my situation my tallis bag with a list of perakim in needed for our trip. When people asked so that people could be more understanding and helpful. And it’s specifically those people who show empathy and genuine support who can offer chizuk. If a person just lectures someone else on emunah and bitachon without offering him a helping hand, his “chizuk” is not very welcome. We say in Avinu Malkeinu, “Asei l’maan harugim al shem kadshecha – Do [it] for the sake of those who were killed for Your Name.” Eventually we say, “Asei lemaancha im lo lemaaneinu – Do [it] for Your own sake, if not for our sake.” Why don’t we get straight to the point, “Avinu malkeinu, do it for Your sake and save us”? Why do we go through the whole list first? Because if we were to come to Hashem and immediately ask him to do it “for His sake,” how are we to prove that we really care about Hashem? So first we enumerate the tribulations that our nation has endured throughout the generations and how Jews sacrificed their lives al Kiddush Hashem time and time again. After describing how much mesirus nefesh Yidden had for Hashem’s sake – only then can we come and ask, “Asei lemaancha im lo lemaaneinu.” This analysis can be applied to the

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subject of giving chizuk to suffering Do you actually view your life as Eretz Yisrael I was close to Harav Tzvi people. If you’re offering your chizuk divided into two segments: Meir Zilberberg. I also went to Harav because you care about the other person, Before and After? Yaakov Meir Shechter. Baruch Hashem, then show that you really care! Of course. Actually you could divide it their chizuk kept us going. into three parts: before my marriage, the There was another thing that gave us You mentioned that Purim was a first thirty years [after marriage] and a lot of chizuk. When I moved to Eretz difficult day as it revolves so then the third and happiest part. Yisrael at the advice of Gedolim, we much around children. What became involved in doing for others and about Simchas ? Is that one of your daughters I eventually we were encouraged to open Yes. Simchas Torah too was very hard. hear crying now? our tzedakah organization, Tovim The hakafos, people dancing with their Yes, music to my ears. It’s the most Meoros. children on their shoulders, the candies beautiful sound in the world. Of course if Chazal tell us that one who shows being dished out to the kids, then “Kol my daughter keeps on crying and we mercy toward others is treated with hane’arim…” don’t know what she wants, it can get mercy from Above. That’s the segulah frustrating, but its still the sweetest Chazal gave us and it’s worth more than Those of us who have been sound, a sound we waited so long to any segulah in the world. blessed with children cannot hear. even fathom what it must be like to sit through a Seder without a How old are the little girls now? child asking “Mah nishtanah.” They’re turning two next week. For several years we joined our parents’ Sedarim, but then it became too And what was your biggest painful to be surrounded by all the “nachas moment” so far? children and grandchildren and being That’s a hard question! I do remember reminded of our lack. So we started one incident though. It was Erev Tishah making our own Seder at home. Baruch B’Av and I came home from shul about Hashem, it was a wonderful experience, one o’clock. Rivka’le had just started just the two of us together. The crawling that day and when I walked in, beginning of the Seder was not so she crawled right up to me. I scooped her exciting, but later on, I delved into deep up and exclaimed exuberantly, explanations on Yetzias Mitzrayim and “Rivka’le! You started crawling! What my wife asked so many questions…. Just are you doing to me? You’re not talking about the Jews’ suffering and supposed to make me so happy on how Hashem redeemed them gave us a Tishah B’Av!” lot of chizuk and hope. Our Seder took That was a memorable one, but each Our chessed endeavor gave us even longer than the Sedarim in our day — each hour really — brings its own tremendous satisfaction. Baruch Hashem parents’ home! excitement. we married off countless orphans who I have a friend in Tosh who was became close to us as if they had been extremely devoted to me. One Pesach Were you in touch with Gedolim our own children. We also tried to help about six years ago, just as we were throughout your ordeal? many other people, whether it was with about to start our Seder, there was a Absolutely, the whole time. I used to medical issues or the problem we had. knock on the door. Hershy (my friend) say, “Zos nechamasi b’anyi, ki imrascha We didn’t limit ourselves to any and his family were standing there (he chiyisani.” It was the words of the Gedolim particular need; we just tried to help had three or four small children). When that kept me going. We were so whoever we could. This gave us a lot of he saw my shocked look, he said, “Didn’t distraught, so heartbroken, even chizuk. you say ‘Kol dichfin yeisei v’yeichol — depressed. People tell me that I was Not everyone can get up in front of a Whoever is hungry, let him come and always b’simchah, but I can tell you that crowd of people and make an appeal but eat?’ Well, here we are!” even though I may have looked like that everybody can do something, whether Since cooking is allowed on Yom Tov, on the outside, inside, I was so shattered. it’s going to a home to visit elderly everything worked out fine. It was one of Under the tallis, on Rosh Hashanah, Yom people, or offering to plan an orphan’s the happiest moments in my life — that Kippur, oh, how I cried… wedding even if you can’t help is, the happiest moment in the sad But yes, we used to go to tzaddikim: the financially. People who are trying to chapter of my life. Tosher Rebbe, the Skulener Rebbe and in have children may be deeply in debt and

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unable to offer financial support, but see from you.” know that most people end up meriting there is a lot a person can do that doesn’t I also remember when I returned a yeshuah! require money. Becoming involved in from one of our numerous trips, And to the people around those community work can give a person a unsuccessful yet again, and awaiting a yeshuah, I have an even great deal of satisfaction. heartbroken…. I was discussing it with a stronger message: Never give up hope! dear friend, a friend who was always at With today’s medical technology Were you in touch with other my side, and expressed how discouraged advancing at an unprecedented rate, people in a similar situation to I felt, like I’d taken that huge sum of with the chachmah that Hashem has gain chizuk from each other? money and thrown it down the drain. given the doctors, there are so many Some people like the idea of support He responded with a wise answer: “You possibilities. I don’t know how to convey groups and attend gatherings on a put on tefillin and then take it off, right? this message strongly enough. And yes, regular basis. We didn’t go for it. Perhaps What do you gain from putting it on if a I’m addressing society at large, the it came from our desire to belong to short while later you’re going to take it friends, acquaintances and relatives of normal society; we didn’t want to off? What you gain is a mitzvah. It’s a struggling couples, because if you will be become part of a special group of mitzvah to put on tefillin every day. optimistic, it will undoubtedly have a childless people. Likewise, every time you make such a positive effect. trip, you are doing a mitzvah.” This man gave me a lot of chizuk. It Thank you so much for your happened so many years ago, maybe time, Rabbi Neiman. May you seventeen or eighteen years ago, but I see a lot of nachas from can still feel the impact of his words. your children. Amen! Do you think your children realize they arrived after thirty Rabbi Neiman then added the years of hopes and prayers? following : We keep telling it to them. “Ratze’le! When I was approached about Rivke’le! How long did Tatty wait for being interviewed, I debated whether you?!” to do it or not. We are seeing so much When they were born, we were nachas from our children, baruch talking to the doctor about raising Hashem, and we know that blessings children. “I’ll never be able to yell at are better kept hidden. On the other them,” I said. “Listen,” the doctor said, hand, I wanted to get the message “you’re going to have to discipline them across to people that when you hear somehow.” I just said, “Hashem will stories about childless couples going into You mean you felt the stigma of have to help me.” deep debt, know that they they are being tagged? People say that they’re spoiled; I say absolutely true. The costs of treatment It’s not only the label. It’s the feeling. that we’re spoiled, the parents are are prohibitive! In our case, it amounted I ask you now: Am I any different from spoiled! to more than a million dollars and yes, you because I have two children and we still have a lot of debts to repay — a you have ten? Of course not! I didn’t Do you have any message you’d lot! Any help you can offer, no matter want to feel different just because I had like to impart to those still the amount, can make a difference. In no children. waiting for children? the merit of being on the giving end, Years ago I asked Harav Yaakov Meir To those people still awaiting a may we all be zocheh to banim u’vnei Shechter, “If Hashem wants, we’ll have yeshuah, I want to say: Even though your banim oskim baTorah, until the coming of children without all this running heart is broken and you feel like a Moshiach! ❚I around. And if He doesn’t want it for nobody, know that these feelings are us, then why are we doing all this. Are normal. We’re only human. Couples who have not yet been blessed with we trying to fight His will? What’s Nevertheless, you should try to get children are invited to contact Reb Tovia Mayer going on?” chizuk, perhaps by talking to erliche Neiman at (888) 663-6767 The Gadol told me, “No. Hashem Yidden; and speak to them openly and wants to see how much hishtadlus honestly. If possible, get involved in We thank the Neiman family for sharing their story you’re going to put in to fulfill this community work, in helping people. Try and respect their request not to publish any mitzvah. That’s what Hashem wants to to get as much help as you can and personal family pictures.

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