Thirty Years
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
Feature 101211 p26-31 Thirty years. FSchwartz.qxd 10/5/2011 5:23 PM Page 26 FEATURE Thirty Years On the Road to Parenthood Three endless decades — that’s how long Rabbi and Mrs. Tovia Meir Neiman waited until they finally merited attaining the joyous title ‘parent’ 26 Hamodia October 11, 2011 Feature 101211 p26-31 Thirty years. FSchwartz.qxd 10/5/2011 5:23 PM Page 27 BY YITZCHOK S. DREZDNER children dressed up in costumes, children delivering mishloach manos, children “Vesamachta bechagecha…” It’s a season of happiness for our entire spinning their graggers… I remember one Motzoei Shabbos nation, as we rejoice with Hashem’s eternal protection in our festooned when I walked into shul and they had sukkos. For the Neiman family of Kiryas Tosh, outside of Montreal, just begun an Avos Ubanim session. I Canada, the joy is twofold, for they just celebrated the second birthday of always tried to keep away during Avos Ubanim, when fathers learn with their their twin girls, who were born after thirty long years of childlessness. This sons; it was just too painful to watch. is the second Sukkos that they’ve merited celebrating as parents. This time, I accidentally walked in while the program was in session. Boy did I get We cannot possibly step into the Neimans’ situation and feel the out of there fast! I couldn’t come to magnitude of their struggle, because only someone who has lived through myself for days after that. such an experience can truly identify with their feelings. Nevertheless, You probably understand, perhaps Rabbi Neiman’s personal account of his experience will give us a especially now that you have glimpse into his world, so that we can empathize with others’ struggles. children, that people are not And possibly the happy ending to this story will provide a ray of hope to trying to be insensitive or hurt your feelings… those struggling through their own dark tunnel. May all those who are No, chas veshalom! awaiting a yeshuah merit reaching the end of the tunnel very soon! Let me explain: There is something called envy, which leads to hatred, like when a person wins the lottery and his friends are jealous, especially if they feel What can you tell us about your forget hardships in other areas of life. For he ought to share his newfound wealth feelings during all those years of a childless couple, there are no such with them. But it wasn’t that way with us waiting? moments of joy. at all. We weren’t jealous; we were After thirty years of hoping, praying, simply pained by what we did not have. and dreaming, we were blessed with twin What would you describe as the Even though it was extremely painful to girls, Rivka Shprintzel and Ratzel, born most difficult moment during constantly hear about new births among three minutes apart. those thirty years? close family members and friends, there Words cannot describe the depth of [There were] too many “hardest was never an element of jealousy in our our struggle. Let me just put it in this moments” to enumerate. Ask me rather pain. Childless people are not bad light: Part of a childless couple’s pain is what the easiest moment was. people! It was just so hard to be that they never have a moment of joy. surrounded by the laughter and Any person going through a challenging Okay, what was the easiest? happiness of children… time still has moments of joy, like when It may sound strange, but the truth is I once traveled to Hungary and spent his toddler learns how to say “Mama” or that the easiest times were on Tishah some time in Mishkoltz. A handful of old his little boy is starting to learn kametz- B’Av, because then everybody was sad. men, maybe twelve or thirteen, used to alef. All these milestones and antics are One of the hardest times was Purim, a daven in that shul (this goes back twenty moments of joy that can help a person Yom Tov that centers on children; years). There was such a sad atmosphere Inyan Magazine 13 Tishrei 5772 27 Feature 101211 p26-31 Thirty years. FSchwartz.qxd 10/5/2011 5:23 PM Page 28 about them; they were so quiet, their Hashem has granted so much that no one can read his mind. It’s heads bent, with no signs of vitality. chachmah to the doctors and there have impossible to always know the right Once one of their sons came to shul been amazing medical and thing to say. We are only human and we and brought along his young child. technological breakthroughs in recent have to ask Hashem to give us the right Sadly, most of these Holocaust survivors years. So there really is hope, even after words. didn’t have children living close to them thirty years. Then of course there’s the kvater or they didn’t have children at all. But we have to make sure that we dilemma. To offer the honor of carrying Anyway, when this child came into the radiate hope and optimism to those still a baby boy in to his bris to the childless shul, you should have seen the seeking a yeshuah so that they have the relative or not? The childless couple may transformation that took place. The strength to go on. It is so discouraging for not feel comfortable being kvaterim, even whole place seemed to come to life! The a couple to see the people around them though they are fully aware that it’s a child was running around and all the giving up hope, when they are still trying segulah for being blessed with children. men stopped to give him a pat on the to find the light at the end of the tunnel. On the other hand, they may be upset if head, a kiss, a candy. The sad old shul you don’t offer it to them. So how does was suddenly a vibrant beis medrash! You were saying how hard it was one deal with this quandary? That’s the power of children: they to attend simchos. When wishing The best way is to take a rational breathe new life into us. And childless mazel tov to others, what kind of approach. Say, “Listen, brother/sister. people don’t have that. response would you have I’m making a bris. If you want the honor appreciated? of kvater, it’s yours.” Short and simple. You mentioned that observing an I would have wanted to get the The same applies when they wish you Avos Ubanim session was hard. response that the baal simchah was mazel tov. A cordial, “Im yirtzeh Hashem, How about attending simchos? giving all the other well-wishers. But a by you oif simchos” is fine; don’t become It was difficult. Every simchah was a person who is suffering has to realize all dramatic about it. fresh challenge. I’m being totally honest because I can say the truth now. If you had asked me back then, I’d say, “Nah, it’s really okay.” But in all honesty, it was a real challenge. But participating in simchos wasn’t our only challenge. By the time we were married for twenty years, in our quest for a child we had spent so much time, effort and money (and boy, are we in debt, baruch Hashem! If only I’ll manage to pay it off in my lifetime). My mother was so devoted to us; she couldn’t bear to see us suffer and went around borrowing money from people all over the world. And the bitter disappointments that came time and time again. She was so pained by our repeated disappointments that she would tell me — only me, always careful not to hurt my wife — to just say Tehillim again and again, to leave it in Hashem’s Hands. But I consulted with the Tosher Rebbe, shlita, before every single move. I never took any step without his approval. I explained to my mother that the Rebbe had advised us to continue our efforts. Unfortunately, she didn’t live to celebrate the simchah, but I’m sure she is deriving nachas in Shamayim. 28 Hamodia October 11, 2011 Feature 101211 p26-31 Thirty years. FSchwartz.qxd 10/5/2011 5:23 PM Page 29 How did you feel when Tehillim that I should say as a segulah. I me what I needed the money for, I found conversations focused on other can only talk for myself, but I was hurt. it hard to share the true reason and was people’s children? Did people It would have been very different if the very vague. Many people turned down change the subject when you or person had come over to me and said, “I my request. You know what I did? I went your wife came in? heard about a segulah to recite certain home, crawled into bed, pulled the Changing the subject abruptly is the kapitlach of Tehillim. If you’re interested, I covers over my head and cried through worst thing you can do. If the family is can give it to you.” But to shove it into the night. In the morning, I went around sitting together and then there’s a my face like that? collecting checks from gemachim [free sudden awkward silence because no one Since your question really addresses loan societies]. knows how to change the subject the general issue of interacting with the The people whom I approached were smoothly — that is the worst feeling! childless, I want to mention one point.