-L \'- =\\ '/ J

lools }lolland refuses

to grow up. From his

on-stage antics with

Squeeze, to the

infamous gaffe on

The Tuhe, he can't

help acting the

fool. Philip Watson

brings on the clown ools Holland can't stop mess- the word, Jools Holland is a cunt He can be ing around. Standing there rn his'own worst enemy. He may not be a fool, the photographic srudio, look- but he loyes playing one. Jools Holland is ing awkward in his Savile Row a joker, a clown, and he just can't help it. pinstripe and black pointed After years of puerile pranks - getting his boots, Jools is getting restless knob out on stage in early Squeeze shows, in and he wants to play games. trouble with the police after a mock bank raid Short and stooped, he roams during the filming of Grootsy Fellers, and his around carrying his bungling infamous gaffe on alive Tube traller on which gawkiness with him, looking he announced: "Be there or be a completely like a cross between a spivvy ungroovy fucker" -such behaviour is what we Harold Steptoe and a flail- expect of him. We expect him to perform, to ing-armed Tommy Cooper. mess up. Roland Rivron, fellow presenter and "Let's play 'In the manner part-time drummer in one ofHollandk bands, of . .'," he chirrups, suddenly, to no one in suggests that Jools' favourite expression particular. "You call out the words, and I'11 should be: "I can't apologise enough". And we mimic them." His voice is an uncomfortable also expect a bedrock of prattishness to the squeak - a nasal, whining sound forced out thingsJools Holland does. BecauseJools is a sideways between a very wide, and seemingly very willing, dutiful clown - always has been. permanent smirk "Manfully" causesJools to A "cheeky, precocious child", Holland is strike an unconvincing he-man pose, like the son of parents who had to move around Charles Atlas without the contours. "Sexily" London a great deal to avoid rent collectors, sparks a sideways stance, his pelvis shooting but who were arty enough at least to encour- forward thrustingly. And on "qtizzically" he age his musical abilities. "They and their contorts his face so that parts ofit seem to be friends were probably considered quite bo- moving in opposite directions - one eye is hemian, a bit jazzy in those days," explains raised, the other drooped, and he resembles Holland. "They were working class, but a kind of confused Magnus Pike. without the work ethic." Back at his recording studio in Greenwich, When the family finally sertled in Green- just a short ride across town in his chauffeured wich when he was five, Jools learnt to play Jag Jools is more relaxed and very much at piano on the upright in his gran's front parlour. His uncle David, who played bass in a local R&B group, taught him the rudiments of boogie-woogie piano (a skill learnt originally from Jools' mother), and he was hooked. By the time he reached fiFteen, not only hadJools THE PIA]{O been expelled, neyer to return, fiom Shooters Hill School in south London, but he'd met local boy Glenn Tilbrook, a guitarist and home among his gold discs, advertising songwriter. Lyricist Chris Difford, drummer ephemera, railway magazines and double- Gilson Lavis and bassist Harry Kakoulli parked Dinky toys. Despite all his on and joined shortly after, and Squeeze were born. off-stage showmanship, he is acrually very Bypassing punk in favour of solid song- quiet, courteous, calm and contained. writing, Squeeze were above-average Beatles It is this curious and paradoxical mixrure soundalikes whose small-town English pop ofpublic and private personas that lies at the was to prove highly successful, especially in heart ofJools Holland and his offbeat appeal. America. At the end ofthe Seventies, Squeeze He is a man of many guises - deadpan TV were touring the US almost every time they presenter, skilled R&B pianisg minor rock had one of their many hits. AndJools Holland, star, tabloid bad boy, lad about sourh-easr describing himself as being, ar rhat dme, London, father of three, boyfriend to Lady "grubby, smelly and very keen on British Christabel Durham - and opinions about him motorbikes", of course, was misbehaving. vary wildly. To some he's a hero, to others he's "Well, we were young and mad, and this plain naff His zaniness can be as irritating as was the first time I'd really been away. There it is endearing. He's fun, but can appear was the occasional trashing of hotel rooms, flippant. He's eccentric, but not maverick pushing people into swimming pools, and He's more enfant than terrible.B.tt what does rubber dollies and bottles simulating penises Julian Holland think people make of him? and the like, but it was pretty childish stuff o "Cunc that's probably the first thing that We were not really laddish, more yobbish.' I comes to mind. No, no, I mean that in the Leaving Squeeze in 1981 to pursue a I U traditional sense of the word. When old somewhat unsuccessful and financially F London people say'cunt', they're not saying damaging solo career,Jools was rescued a year 'you idiot, you horrible person'. They mean later by the producers of Tbe Tube who signed you're a fool to yourself They're saying him up for the new programme after they had fl o 'you've fucked yourself' really." seen him present a documentary on The o Z He's not entirely serious of course, and the Police in the Caribbean island of Montserrat. I oF 33-year-oldJools does a nice line in candid As much as Holland had been a respected O E self-deprecation, but it's a revealing retort all member of Squeeze, it was TV, ar,d Tbe Tube o I the same. Because in the traditional sense of in particular, that really made him. > 206

PHOTOGRAPH: KIM KNOTT Don't Shoot the Piano Player made for television, he was made for tele- to like Jools Holland. It's hard not to like a vision at exactly the right time. Because if TDe man who consistently makes you laugh, and < l4l It created Jools Holland, the cult. Tube was the precursor of the whole Network who laughs at himself Because for those ofus that lived or grew up 7, Rapido, Def II explosion,Jools Holland was Similarly, it's difficult not to like a man with five years of the programme, it will yoof TV's harbinger. obviously swayed by certain passions. Get always, despite its slapdash unprofessionalism Holland was the perfect embodiment of him talking about black American music or and shambolic interviews, retain a warm place post-punk irreverence and early Eighties his forthcoming sequel to the New Orleans in our media hearts for its very live, very real indifference, his spiky insouciance echoing frlm, Mr Roadrunner, a documentary on the mayhem and cheerfulness. the zappy, grab-all street style of such new- music of Memphis, and he becomes enga- "What people liked about Tbe Tubewasthat ly-borns as Tbe Face, i-D, Vivienne Westwood, gingly animated by his love and obyious it wasn't contrived," says Jools. "It was a rap, warehouse parties and The Wag. knowledge of the subject. proper show - bands usually had to come up It was Jools' curious, madcap reputation And at his recording studio you'll discover from London, and it was live and there was that was to open up a series of TV oppor- other enthusiasms that add weight to the idea a proper PA. You could forgive its mistakes tunities for him. Walking Tb New Orkans was thatJools Holland has, like all clowns, never because it was not as if someone was trying his very respectable guide to the music and really grown up. He likes to play, and there's to have one over on you." musicians of the Deep Sorth, ar,d Groooy evidence of all kinds of hobbies and amuse- Jools is also very certain about his key role Fellers, a meandering, embarrassingly self- ments over and above the avid collecting of in its success. Would it have been any good indulgent guide to contemporary Britain bric-a-brac and Dinky toys. He likes motor- without him? "No, it would have been crap. made with "visiting Martian" Roland Rivron. bikes (he still has the chrome and black Because of my surliness, and the credibility Following a spell in New York on America's Velocette he got when he was sixteen), flashy of my music background, research showed most prestigious and (perversely) slick music Fifties American sports cars (he's owned young boys used to watch it and look to me programme Sznday Nigbt,Jools also captained Buicks and a Corvette), oil paintings, sketch- as an older brother guide-figure." two series of the resurrected but lamentably ing, architecrural drawing, and most of all As conceited as this may seem,Jools is not hit-and-miss Juke Box Jury. adding to the studio itself- a lock-up garage alone in his assessment. "In terms ofthe basics Yet it's this experience, Jools believes, converted into a faux vintage railway station *having ofthe job a degree ofconfidence, and despite the criticisms made of his television complete with such period details as waiting being able to speak -Jools is crap, but any skills, that he has built on and used in such room signs, posters, and cigarette machines. turnip can do that," saysJonathan Ross. "The recent projects as Hysteria 3/, the AIDS "With his hobbies, his style, and the era he's thing that counts is what you bring to a show charities comedy show, and the newly picked, he lives very much in a pretend in terms of personality, and in that respect launched Channel 4 series Tbe Happening - world," says Rivron. So isn'tJools Holland the Jools is one of the best. He is very narural, six one-hour shows fearuring music and com- Peter Pan of pop? Isn't he still a boy? immensely entertaining, and a ioy to watch." edy. Although Holland describes the pro- "Yes there could be a certain amount of John Cummins, who rose through the ranks grammes, made last year for BSB, as being like truth in thag" he answers, making ro put his of Tbe Tube team to become Channel 4's "a modern variety show", and his role in them thumb in his mouth. "f'm sure there's a part commissioning editor of young people's pro- akin to "Michael Barrymore on acid", he is of me that has never really grown up, but I grammes with overall responsibility for the actually surprisingly restrained and keeps his don't want it to. When I first heard boogie- show, similarly praises Holland: introductions to a minimum. woogie piano, that's all I wanted to do; when "He's the greatest youth television presen- While doing all this TV work, Holland has I hear certain records, I get a real bvz; if I ter ever because he's one of the few people also rejoined and re-left Squeeze, toured with look in a toy shop window and see a little car who you feel is speaking directly to you; rt's his big band, The Deptford Dance Orchestra, and think 'Wow, that's great', I buy it. I love as if he's sharing a private joke with you. He and released two solo albums, World Of His the thrill of discovering things; I don't want may not be Parky or Terry Wogan, but then Own and Tlte Full Complement, reviews of to lose that childish excitement " again he's not got a placard above his head which rightly praise his abilities as a rock'n' Hysteria 3l will be broadrast on Cbannel 4 on saying'please love me'." roll pianist, but also question his dubious Oaober 12. A Jook Holland single, ''Togetber As a man for whom television feels "very talents as a singer and songwriter. Again",feanringSam Brown, is releasedby IRS natural and comfortable",Jools was not only For all these reservations, it's difficult not on Oxober 7, proaeds go n Tbe Hysteria Trust I