think for Yourse 1f no, 12
.....
Con ONE BIG EGO TRIP 1 ~"~"~'"" ..... nn<>v ::~nit · so does- tal-' Yes that ' s all it is. Recently I have been reading the and sect continual hype of people like GG ALLIN, CHARLES MAN SON etc. For nthe met these folk i t is one big ego trip and people are quite happy to ' ' are consume it by either being swallowed into thier train of stand ina thought ie "GG knows himself that he is the best in the world k£nd's Sho at what he does and need not be reminded. His rockin and bdep tor reelin' is beyond compe;,ison. J and .r dig it to pieces" from litn FLIPSIDEJ we can also go tn'e other end of the scale to the ing. people who have been consumed by the Product " I 'wouldn't doubt inst it because you' re such a sick bastrad!" etc etc i could quote ~T itw this sort of thing till i am blue in the face but point i want , . Ir to make is that regardless of what the guy is he thrives on <~ its t YOU , yes you make him what he is the ego becomes inflammed by • ual~ praise and slagging and you lap it all up . They are'nt worth ebest insi botheri ng about, bec~use! without you they are NOBODYS yes ~I yet ... And NOTHING. IQUE... clou It can also be looked at on another level. These people •aNm 1H Tha are overtly racist reactionery's who still get hype and praise ~ one o stru but on the other end of the scale we have people like have' ~ to tl Skrewdriver being shunned because they are overtly nazi ..• . so r~ oo I best f1) ( ... why do they get awa y with. . ~ . . .. well becuase . v~ - • «l I IS t,. they are like religion it ' gives your mind someone elses s 14 ible rhetoric wh i le it saves you the burden of haveing to think for , I Ut yourself. «l ., -~-' "l"ft DIS(Jf\ND ll'tSilE FOil sucass. - . SIKCISS IS MY UlniiiATE &OAI. MD ro ME WINIIIII8 1S MIYTHIIIel WI All 'IMI IIOUP Of TilE 111111US. wr• WWIOIS RQiffllll AIATnf AND TllllrS leO WAY Wl'll eotlll LOSEI'"
Political asyluo, C/0 Rl\l:lsey, 3 Balmoral Place,~ Stirling, . FitS 2RD, SCOTLAIID
Wh~ llouatiDn, TrtiiCI, fOfOO a-ta-.JcaBML. f ...... '-~ CA~, u~ ~ ...... PWL EMpire....._ OfiJce, The ,.,..,.,...,. 417~ .... Sk~-ull an· ·'d ·cro ss bones C/0 Fanzine editor John Adans ~ Sellfei l d ~Ve , Ca lke l t h , 3 JJMAW u<'• - ft . • • •••• THE~li.¥.§. hardcore band P'~;~, ESSENTIAL A to Z' s SEWAGE to give us thier a to z' on being one of the top touring bands in the UK, not to mention one of the fastest, so here we have it folks.
A is for ALCHOL The one thi ng t hat keeps us going when we are on tour (apart from the petr ol in the van) Where would we be without it .
B is for BIG C is for CLARKY Our dynamic bassist,who Our popularity here can still play even after seems to have declined eight pints o f home a little but abroad we are brew, we call him Mr one 3IG! string at a time ha ha ha, his favourite saying is "We're headlining,ok 0 is for DICKHEADS pal". This is f or the folk in Holland who don't know how to treat a band.NO E is for EMPTY BEER,NO FOOD,NO ERRRRRRRRR , Th is place we HASH ,jesus , how could we played in was real empty be able to play wi thout when we pl ayed, onl y 14 them ? Pl us they would'nt folk turned up . let us headline . We won't Unfortunatly we were on be going back there in a first becuase · there was hurry. no toilets (see T for explanation) .
F i s for FURSTENBURG Which · is 'nt t he best l ager in the world but we got l o ts of it for free i n Belgium so who 's comp lain i ng ?.
G is for GAV My mate , also our manager, though he barley manadged ( hahahaha ) to ma ke i .t to the American tour cause he got so wrecked at t he going away party. 4 Oh ! No It 's Human Sewage
H is for HEAVY METAL People Jlag us off and saying we only play thrash metal becuase it sells records, utter crap!, we have been playing thrash metal since we formed a year and a half ago . I i s for INSANE This is how the audience went in Germany when we cracked a small joke about the holocaust, we were lucky to get away alive. J is for JACUZZI We had loads of these in Sweden cause the gig promoters paid for it all, my first bath in eight months. K is for KNOB The most valued part of my body, very useful in the back of vans, hahaha harrr know what i mean ?
M is for MONEY Unfortunatly we never enough·of this . N is for NAPALM DEATH We're faster than you ya bunch of bastards Q is for QUEERS !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Had a. nasty brush with some ~n France, but me 0 if for ORGY and Clarky gave them We had quite something they w ld never f orget .•• • • • • a goodou these in d oing. last time we blitzed those far off countries; R is for ROCK N ROLL P is for POLITICS Where would we be nov no one had invented it We try to express how we eh? ' feel politically and morally in our songs but in general the lyrics more personal positive . 5 T is for TOILETS NEVER have any of us ever hidden in a toilet to avoid going on first becuase the crowd was too small. We would'nt be so daft to do that what's the point ?, it acheives nothing,we should be mo re concerned with more social relivant things going on in OUR world today like uniting all the '!>unk' s and skin's int o a strong fighting force to be reckoned with, ye ke n,? Who ever Y is for "YOU'LL started these SEE t-IE CHANGE" ~~ich is the title of our last single you can still get i t from us, it's also knows who they are and I got two live tracks hope they are satisfied recorded in Australia with themselves. called "punk 's and skin's (unite into one big army) U is for UNDERWEAR and "Blitzed". Clarky likes the one's that cling for ZZZZ ZZ tight so when is fo r all playing live they who bore out in all the places. Billy has' nt backsides off of us changed his in ages so I writing letters can't remember what asking for i nterviews they'r-e like and me well stuff. WE CAN'T I DON'T WEAR ANY. BOTHERED OK . V if for VERANAL DISEASE 'Fraid this has to be the low point of the Human Sewage ' a to z'. All of us have had one to many nasty exper-ience with this one . Maybe we should wash mo re often, does that help?
W is for WINDSCREEN IH PER It was a real bugger becuase on the tour it kept breaking so all the dead flies kept on piling up on the windscreen. X is for XXXX I drank too much 4 X in Oz last year. I would have been rich if I had bought shares in the comj)'any. 6 ON E DAY • •• • •• •• ••• • •• •• • • •• • • • • • • •
She thought about mov ing but somehow she couldn 1 t be bothered. So she sat a little longer and divisions , she could feel herself began to think about the various g'etting pretty wound up now . The tasks ahead for her, she had t o anger and rage that boiled yet prepare the H. E. V. report for the never seemed to flow .over was ear, "Bast· ·ds" was what she said reaching that point where it would, to herself as she finally pulled so her hand reached for t he bottle herself up out of the chair, her and f r eely poured it down. She felt back creaked and t he muscles in her all her anger and rage disappear as legs seemed to want to pull her if they were being doused by back down but relentlessly she gallons of water . She t urned to the ma naged the final pull , stretching wall and proclaimed "maybe that's her arms till they almost touched why they make the stuff". the ceiling, much better she Putting on her thought . Slowly she shuffled across jacket, shoes and hat, her hands to the coffee table picked up the turned the door and her fee t went quarter full bottle opened it and out into the corridor and trundled threw some of it into her mouth. down the stairs . The lift was Slowly it slipped down her throat broken, she had forgotten the last bur ning out a path till it settled time it had worked . . .• • • . six in her stomach "urghhh" came the mo nths , two mon ths , one year ? r esponse from her mouth, "it gets The cold was me by" she thought as the bottle biting deep into her fingers so came up again for a second burning, they were pushed deeper into her more would have been poured down pocket 1 s, which didn't offer m~ch but the hands only give t o those joy. A new jacket was needed, HA wh o c limb the steps and manage to HA wh e n will I ever get around to gain enough commodity points , these gefting one, I can only just afford can usually be gained by such nobl e the C. T . N • payment . She thought acts as attending their "kindness about the c. T. N . and how she had t o a l l" and "understanding the to pay because she wa s not married. functions of the givers" and other Several year s back the Mouth had such mu ndane crap that they needea made yet another new law, this time t o at tend to live, though the for women who were not ma rried had • ajority seemed to l3p it up. to forward four credits to the Ha nds , ten years she had been doing • Anyway" she though," I ' d better this, she thought of all the wasted get the H. E.V . ready", her hands credit , swore and spat a t t he rummaged t hrough the amassed ground. papers. Pulling , throwing and swearing s eventually found the Thinking about herself was r eport , swearing yet again she some thi ng tha t was getting done rolled it up and put it into her quite often these days, thoughts side pocket, yet more abuse wa s entered her mind of how she looked mumb l ed about her 1 job 1 and about after twenty seven years of the institutions that seemed to life ... . drawn, pale , thin, muscles play a major part in her life yet that just seemed to want t o l ie were so distant .. .. . t he ear, the down never to move again , a brain mouth, t he nose , the eyes a nd the that was a lways striving for more , hands, she swore at all their sub- demanding to be fed with objectives unfortunately it spent most of it's time rumbling with hunger . There seemed to be an acceptance of all this somewhere as the messages that were sent out were ones of pure ....., .·. ' n ... _ '- \!""··4o :;;a.. ..; •..... 0\_0I'Ot•'b' ...... , ..~ .. ~t • ..._-;a.•.;!(,(.,, ~..,,,!JJ,.... t:ll•~'lllo:. ilo -h M~~. ,:· - ~ irrationality, it seemed to be ~r;rt : tu~s ~s t e eyes tna t see, t is Jl!~, ~ _ • keeping her half pacified, content ~~;¥t: is the ears that hear, this is the < with what it was getting, "maybe · :.: ~.:~·-''--~ nos e that smells, this is the mouth "<~•·:··.• ~ " '''·'f. ·~ , .,. ~· th k d h th h d ,,.,,,, ."'':0'·-··· they tampered with it when I was ~.~r·~. .:_ ~. at spea s an . t ese are e an s ~':~~r~.t;~.('~~ - younger" she found her subjective ~:~~~.,:;.:··: j that rna ke" , try ~ng to remember back ft··~~;~;:,:.._~ part push ing forward with an ~_:. :~>i;:j to those days was very difficult Jt:·~;;:~:?!;~~.~~; explanation, still recently there ~·:;! ~-:.:~''1 but that one thing seemed to stick ,:~~ ~ ~: ·~;;;=·~ , , was a little more thinking being ~: "<.: ·! in her . If only her mother knew how ~::!;:-~;~::·~~; done . ;· .:·.. near t he future she wa s on that day ~,. J. :,:· :·; The H. E.V . report was · she told her a simple little rhyme "t·"·· ; - · ~ ~ tossed onto the clerks desk. He about the functions of her body, ~ --~ ::: ~ · thanked her a nd inqui red as to what ...... ,·~-· - ·- - .. · ~~{< her PI N was. "76121" she found the words a l mos t being spat out, "take r -.··~·.... this " he answered. He had given her ~~~·::·~~: a b i t o f paper with the PIN number and her c redit for compl eting the f:~> report on t ime . The repo rts were very mediocre detai lings that were often used f or the visual display systems on such topi cs and people's favourite orator or somethin g as equally mundane, she was given the figures and had to make them look good. Laking the same route back. The thought of more reports made her cringe so daydreams overtook, reality being temporally shelved, images flashed into her but she could never identify them , images later of some thing that did exist but _.- seemed to be so far away, that to unlock it was impossible, "what was this" she found herself thinking, :::::: but soon gave up for she had known ~ ~no other world or no other life bar _ · the one she was living in just now. i It brought to mind something her mother had said to h er when aged six or maybe seven she wasn't sure , ::.~:~~:·:Mwim·'~J:~;: :...· something-. along the lines of --_ The End .. _., -... ,...... -'~ ...... ,_ · · ~ .. ~ ~ 7 ., ....: .. <~:.~:::~~~~~t1·§~{ -::.•• All}\..•'aU1t.j:l l} 'lSa:a-.:p 0'1 REVIEW'S ••••• .• SPECTACULAR TIMES , POCKET SERIES. AVAILAR LE FROM: A DISTRIBUTION, 84B WHITECHAPEL HIGH STREET, LONDON, El 7QX. The titles avaliable in this highly origional pocketbook series are; The Spectacle .. The Skeleton Keys, Animal s, The Bad Days Will End, Ci ties of Illusion, Bigger Cages Longer Chains a t 60p, 60p, SOp , 60p , and 90p respectively.Well these are little books that contain bits out of other publi cations to help illustriate there point , whi ch can be lumbered in the .situationist way of looking at things that is eve ryday life is looked at and points made to show the absurdity of continual existance in the 'soc iety', pl us everyday things that have all been commodified are looked at too as well as the theory o f the ' spectacle' i e life it's self is totally fake manufactured image.These bookl ets are well worth getting a hold of as they are quite enlighte ning, The cli ppi ngs are also backed up by lit tle written bit s . I've put a few o f t hem a t the bottom to help give you an idea of where they are at.
"You must move with the times - t he Summer 1982: At t he CND rally in Hyde motto of those who ~ake a profi t i f Park t he organi zers gave t he police you do." permission to secret l y film the Raoul Vane i gem demonstrators f rom the stage .
He s:atd ~at Cr-t'D was ex.· Anarchists !~~:Oel~tso r?a Uu1~J:n: re~ policemaa wu inJured and ..e sboll be stgdigc a Dlell told to up ol. •ympa~:· Another ~~ -u messace came lrom Mrs Glegys Klaooct. who stay away wu amonc the demonstrators at Creenham oa Sundoy. and htr hu.sbud lir Neil by CND Kinooct, the Labour Party ludu. The poli~man, In· spector Mi "Everybody's got a • WE DEMAND • ban on now nucle• t power , ... " •• uni f orm except me." • WE DEMAND th.o clo~ ln c • f exlttl•c p&ants 1 Kun HalbriUer. ~. J93S. • WE DEMAND the Immedia t e tlnelettment of non~ poUutl•c enerc-r ••.,,e .. Mr MeCa rtn~r . wh o i!t ~ ll id to earn £40 a minute from roy· altles and l'eco-rd ul~s. trles tn Jh•c a nornaal JifC" d t""spit~ hi~ wt alth. One protester. Jane Coker "I f funny clothes and hairst yl es could u id : .. They are Iakins make a revolution, your hippy parents advantage ol the faet that we are gon-•lolent 1<> herd us up· would not deserve your disdain." \ iD metal pens agd tate our l photocraphs •cainst our ,.;tL Bob Black They ore lntrlngine our cl.-il l libertios because they kDoW 1 we will not reslst."' Si~\ .e - \"•• ee. ... p a~ ,., t ak• ~" " pel i~;cs o... t o~ pola\ct . 9 _ ff ___ W ILLlA~l GOLDING Lord of the Flies novel about a group of young boys who crash landed on a deserted island the story unfolds thr ough a series events that are quite disturbing until final bloody cljmax . This novel is a lliant look at the behaviour and of boys . Very • JOANNE BRASIL ... ESCAPE FROM 8- QUE, "IIOMENS ?RF.SS, 53 .95 . This is the story cecyl "liho fed up "'i th life in a go no where town decides to :·,ovc to Boston and t here her life really changes when s he goes t hr ough a variety of s t range flatmates and friends . Eventually she ends up living with a muslcian and it gets quite s ad when she tells of thier eventuall decl ine . lt's wr i t en with a verv s i mpl istic way of looking at things makes the written style very funny on her comprehensions ~f friends,war,love and ~ife It's got a sad ending . COL IN WILSON ... A CRIMI NAL HISTORY OF MANKI ND GRAFTON ,£4 . 95 . Well the title sums this one up a 670 page romp through the cri minal mind from early stone age people to Sutcliffe.It gives e xamp l es of c r iminal behaviour but he also puts forwrtl. t heories on why?. All in all i found it .Quite intresting the only dull the . few chapters spent on the ro~an I ~ PARRY ... THE BONNOT GANG,REBEL PRESS the story of the French i :legallsts THE who ~cheiv~d infamous notarity by doing a fe•11 :.:a ring bank robberies and claiming BON NOT t hier act ions were pol itical.What is . 1 nte res.ti ngabout this book is how they all met thier deaths a couple of them died in GANG huge shoot outs with e police,it took about 2oo of them several hour s to flush one of t hem out of. a house 1xxll<::t ', They did try to back up thier actions with political s tatments but i'm not entirley convined tho~gh.The book also gives a good insight into anarchism in France in and around 19l l .OH! t hey're also i nfamous for doing the first ever motor ;zed getaw a~y...... ~ by Richard Parry constrained and l i mited by the social and legal rules around Roy us . The social one ofte~ being far more insistent and pressing. So much so that we Bailey are often not even aware of their presence or their insistence. ROY BAILEY,!he following lffiAT AFFINITY DO YOU FEEL WITH interview with Roy was done in THE CURRENT FOLK SCENE? WAS late March 89 , in case you have THE POLITICAL SONC NETWORK SET never heard of him before he UP AS A REACTION TO IT? probably has one of the finest singing voices around and a ROY: My feelings t oward the solid commitment to his folk scene is a mix really. I music. There's some write up's don't really experience the and stuff reproduced here to folk scene,! experience clubs. give an idea about the man's Some I really enjoy. I find a music. Most of the questions lot of people come to hear me were by Ramsey but I did and I'm flattered and grateful manage to do a few . for that. It's true that now and then I hear singers doing THE LAST TIME WE SAW YOU things that i find awkward and PLAYI NG YOU GAVE A LITTLE sometimes offensive. There are 'SPOKEN WORD ' PIECE ON YOUR still some people around still ALTER EGO EXISTENCE AS A singing very sexist songs and UNIVERSITY LECTURER.WILL YOU not even realising it . The BE INCORPORATING MORE SUCH world has somehow passed them SPOKEN WORD PIECES INTO YOUR by. I have to say that I don't PERFORMANCES? HOW DO YOU THINK go to folk clubs myself THI S FITS IN WITH MORE except when I'm singi ng, so my "TRADITIONAL" TYPES OF experience i s not typical. I PERFORMANCE SUCH AS SINGING? am the guest and presumably DOES IT HAVE A PLACE? people have come to hear ROY: I didn't give the piece me .... . so it's likely that you ' re referring to as much we'll get on ok. significance as you appear to The political song network was have done . I just thought initiated by Leon Rosslinson there was a way on introducing (a singer on the same par as a song that could identify my Roy ... Paul), Sandra Kerr and teaching career with the me, as a result of our song •. . •.. connect me as it individual experience that were. I dido' t think of it as suggested that there was an a spoken word piece or as audience "out there" who were something special or interested in our kind of different, so I don't really songs and singers and know how to respond to you . My mus1c1ans who shared our songs are a way of telling general view of folk music, stories about things that who might like to know of each both concern and interest me. others existence. So we They can be stories and prepared a letter and sent it observations about large to as many performers public and political events as (initially) as we could think well as of personal and private feelings, worries and HAROTIM U doubts . The piece I think you ROY 8Ail£Y ...mJoMI(Iflt~. are referring to was a comment rotOOOM. Ctw• ...... on the popular song "My Wfl:llflll(~ Way" .... . a fantasy rather than 0\IS«CI .. the truth . Few of us,if any of us really "do it our way" .... we find ourselves 11 of wh o might be interested in creati ng the network. The response was good and we went on f r om there. Meeting and d iscussions to decide what to call ourselves (one early idea was Hook Line and Sinker) ,what social we l f a r e has exposed me to do and how to do it. The to social and political newsletter was the first i dea, theories and research that I followed by the Red and Green might otherwise not have been Songclub a nd then t he aware of ... . but then songbook . The initial i d ea was discovering songs about that there would grow a working conditions,about network of such grou pings personal issues a nd concerns around the country and we also sharpened my views, I began by having a weekend in felt I c oul d communicate my Glasgow to explore the thoughts , my ideas , through possibility of such a group songs. So that ' s what I did , I bei ng established there. I think I learned a lot, no t have to say I do n't know ho~o~ simply through my studies but that developed . The meetings equally im portantly, via the that I went to were in Lo ndon people I met and grew to like and I found it increasingl y and respect . diffic ult to attend them. I The Sha w stateme nt is funny didn't have the time or the and has a kernel o f energy to start a Yorkshire truth .... but I think we do branch, as it ~o~ e re . I n a sense lea rn at schools and i suppose it was a r eaction to universities .. . . maybe not as t he current folk scene . It much as we thi nk we do, but we gre~o~ out of our e xpe rience of can' t just dismi ss that that scene. The London group e xperience with that humorous does s till exist, the songbook comment . is into it' s third edition and the Red and Green Songclub HOW WOULD YOU CATEGORIS E s till meets. So something YOURSELF PO LITICALLY? YOUR survives and maybe other SONG S (AND ESPEC IALLY THOSE projects ~o~ill emerge . YOU DO WITH LEO N ROSSLINSON) TEYD TO BE SCATHING OF MOST HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR CURRENT ORGANISED POLITICAL UNI VERSITY LIFE SHAPED YOUR MOVEMENTS, YET AT OTHER TIMES RADI CAL CONSCIOUSN ESS? IS YOU SEEM TO BE SUPPORT ING SUCH BERNAR D SHAW' S CRITIQUE OF FI GURES/ ORGANISATIONS, SUCH AS SCHOOL .... "THE ONLY TI ME I YOUR TRIBUTE TO NELSON LEARNED NOTHING I 14' ROY BAILEY AS FAR AS I CAN TELL,FUS E In thi s s ense it was genui nely RECORDS IS YOUR OWN LABEL. DO pop ~l~r. I t was "people YOU THINK SUC H INDEP END ENCE IS muslc . The folk song revival AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR was a social movement not a MUSICAL/RADICAL OUTLOOK? musical event. The sixties saw WOUL D/COULD/HJ,VE YOU EVER the growth of the c lub scene. CONSIDERED SIGNING TO A MAJOR Organised by people committed LABEL? WOULD YOU HAVE ANY to the music , not the money. I OBJECTIONS (MUSICAL/ETHICAL). think t he folk sce ne lost it's ROY: Fuse records was created roots in the seventies . Folk in order that Leon and I had s ongs became collections of complete independence. We beauti ful speci es not a living could keep records available and growing movement . Now and not delete them. We have there are signs that this both experienced being on musical form is finding it's other labels that delete roots agai n and the i nterest albums when they're not in "roots music" and world selling enough . We believed music, is I t hink welcome as that our albums would sell it seeks to connect different even if only slowly and we levels of mu sic and song wanted to keep them available. .. . . traditional and So the logical thing to do was contemporary, national and start our own label. We could international, commercial and make the decisions. That's "folk" . It is important to what we did. I don't think learn something of the source political considerations came of the music not just listen into it. I have only ever to the tunes and the songs . recorded what I wanted to. Where do they come from? What I've never been approached to conditions do they express? sign up for any ma jor company . I'm not that commercial. If How do they relate t o their that were to happen I would respective political cultures? need to be sure I could stil l Sleep well my little son ano oream do what I wanted to do . I f nme flows faster man amoun ta1n stream 1w ish you napp1ness 1n sortno t hat was agreed, then ok . The Come autumn it mav oe to late to sing. question is somewhat academic wnuevous1eeo necessttv orlves workers down as I don't think it is likely uranium mines to arise. Repair men into tneJawsotneu Radi 16 people in the "scene" have really given it much thought for reasons unto themselves, ~eeding isn't really enjoyable unless there's a few of you and the weathers nice! , i f you want an allotment then just be persistent a nd they ~ill give in eventually, buy a f ew little books about i t those doctor He ssayon expert ones would be alright for the beginner, be prepared to be let do~ because it does take up a fair bit of t ime and people do other things too. Some of the problems can be limited by growing t hem in your back garden, if you have one , If you want to know more then write and I'll see what I can dig up ho ho ho. BATt~AN-THE KILLING JOKE. ... BY ALAN l~OORE, BRIArl BOLLAND AND JOHN HI GGINS .£1.95,TITAN BOOKS . This is a graphic novel which is well drawn and coloured by the guy who done judge dread _ for a whle. The stor y lines sees batman in confrontatio~ with his old enemy the joker it is very well written and shows how the both of them have been so scr ewed up by society.Alan Moore is the one who is man ily responsible for bringing a l evel of maturity to comics and this is no excpeption by all mean s ,well worth reading. VI CTIMS FAMILY .. THI NGS I HATE TO AD!HT LP( KON~URREL) Well t her e ~ one word which can be used to describe thi s LP ..... BRILLIANT, it's a totally origional brand of hardcore which is almost funky in places. The l yrics are a c o~bina~ion of emotional and cynical and it works well. It reminds me a lot of earl early Bu tthole Surfers stuff in places except harder. There should be more record records of this nature and you 'd definatel definatel y be losing out if you don't get hold of a copy. But why take my word for it? Hear it for yourself! •..... ANDY . 17 ' ,, ~ ~ ~ . :~ . Who - . Oft? -- ~ho? won • lfl THE TEN MOST BOUGHT BUT NEVER LISTENED TO MUCH Most of those little PUNK RECORDS cartoons that appear 1, DISCHARGE- Grave new world.(L.P.) throught this zine 2, CHUMBAWAMBA- Smash clause 28 (e.p) have been taken from 3, HUSKER DU- Land speed record (L.P.) "The Big Bang Comics 4, CRASS- Ten notes on a summers day (L.P.) which have all been written and drawn by 5, BLACK FLAG- Family man (L .P . ) a guy called Pete 6, APOSTLES- Giveing or love costs nothing (e.p.) Loveday and they are 7, NAPALM DEATH- Scum (L.P.) spot on in thier 8 , SORE THROAT- Unhindered by talent ( L. P.) humor . He has lots of 9, CONFLICT- Live at the central iberica (e .p . ) little digs at the 10 or POLLOI- Unite and win (L.P.) '~adical }~!'~~· - yia the main contents of the comic, which is a story about Russell a man searching for inner peace via lots of drink,drugs and festivals •...• in fact a whole mountain of things hinder Russell in his quest . These are well worth gettjng as they are dead long,well drawn,very funny,cheap(£I.50) and sharp as a nail . Three issus have came out so far. You can pick them up at your local SC-FI bookshop or from most radical bookshops. I suppose they can be comparable to a freak brothers type of stuff •... you can read it again and again because there is always something that you will miss. LET ME ~£P-IIfoll> YOII 111Ai WE, 1l1E .!.URVIVORS, AR£ TAINJ'U WITll THE RAPIOACTrV£ A)lSOIJS THAT THEY tfAVE VNLEASHEP, WHil-E THEIR SEEP Al.OfoiE I~ CL£ItN1 IIHSCAT11Ell. WE MVST TMI"'K 04'" THE l'tiTURE OF HIJI1ANIT)'. SOMEHOW THE ~W'!.!i'J'I"',...... :-7";->l~ J~~~ "RKE MIIH SVRViV£. -~,.~ 19 Back across the o ther side of the river we went and walked on till we came to a ni ce clear space with a few rocks dotted a round. My Grandad suggested I bui l d a sma ll fire and with great delight i proceeded to do so , the fire blazed and carc kled, the bo th o f us sat in front of it but I had to keep on moving round because t he smoke was nipping my eyes , but eventually as the fire t ook hold. Sitting back and feeling the warmth whilst having my lunch. We sat and talked but I done most of the listening . A contentment came over me something that you only feel ··~, -~ once or t wi ce when you are dwindling on your mem ories , i t gave } ·j ,me s omething of a contentment so rarley felt nowadays. . {. 2' '.1 -,.. -· -·-- -:.., ....· . 1'{1,, ->., .: .. ;. . ,. ft~ cf~~ ..., f'l~ . . •_.... ~.... • • ';_. ..• .. '· / . ..;_ - •. •• ·.:- ~-. - - - ""!"·~- . ~ " -• - -~ , ('. ·. . . - . ~.. .. :, • ·~: .. · ~ .. -'t' . ·'· -. .f r. .'i: ,._:. · •. ' •· ;t, \. ---:,. }.· ; . ;-· , .;., - ~~.... ~ ...... "...... ~v~ 1 : y - --· v ~,, ·· ..T· r~~· .... -~ <- ..i: ~;)- ,- ,...... _,... / .\ .! :~ ~.' \ -: · ~-'~ ·._. '!; ~4,- ~:c. :J :!-.(.t' ~ .i' ~: .. -:;.-, ... -:- ~-··7·:.~~ :' ..... ,. - ,'- ____.::;;.:;.:1. I\.. ':. ..., ....1 ' ...... ·';.....if_ ~ ',.- .;. • • =- - .:-- - I S ESCAPEWhere POSSIBLE can I 7' go~--···· to escape rom...... myself,lll!i!iilli!••••l!ll••• where can I churn around a l l of the garbage in my head and take bits I want to keep, a place where I can feel a liking and a respect f or myself. I can sit for hours in feel ing no better. I , iI , ~I • I I ' I I •.c I :I take to escape? To find the words? To find t he respect? I can give what I think is right but I still feel weary of myself. Still after those few years spent falling, I still wonder why? I f I gave myself three wishes then every week they would be different, but I think I have managed to give mysel f an ability gained through many hours of plain pondering to rise above most of it all ..•.•.•.. . but not all of it . 21 ... My grandfather and I set off early in the morning,it vas a Sunday mor:ning rich with the scents and smells of a fine Autumn day,the sun ws appearing over the horizon,the prospect of a warm day loomed ahead. We entered the f ield through the rusty gate takeing care to close it behind us,we trundled through the field at a nice leisurly pace taking c are to avoi d the vas t amount of cow pats that s eemed to stre t ch from one end to the other,near the end of the feild we saw the cows. We wondered over toward them they gathered around us t hinking that we had brought food but after sniffing and poking thei r nose's around us they soon wandered o ff aimlessly in no particul ar d i r: ection a t all . Some still stood and inquisitivly l ooked at us , s ome had t hier heads bowed down munching on grass and one o r two mooowed at nothing in particular. Down the hill among st the trees we were walking now , I was lifting up sticks and throwing them as far as possible, while I vas half list ening to my grandad tel ling me about the houses that were being built on the old coachworks which had recently been closed down , but my mind was'nt really listening. We r eached the bottom and walked along avoiding all the pot holes filled with wet squishy mud . I managed to blunder i nto a few though . Beside the r i ver we were now wondering . In places it flowed fas t samshing off of the rocks then flowed smooth and ever s o delicatly in places . ! jumped over the l arge flat stones t hat crossed it, they were the remains o f an old water mill to the side they formed a l arge square where the water ran parrare l wi th the main f l ow which was gushing a t that side but ther e it flowed e ver so smoothly. I picked up a stone and stood on the shingle, with a l l the e ffort I had the s tone left my hand with the intenti on of skimming across to t he o ther side but the most it managed was three then plonk! down to the bottom it went, my grandad managed to do twelve, I vowed to be able to do that someday. Pointing t o the other side of the river there was a stream, a small black creature appeared out of a large mound of earth •••.. ~it's a mole" , his voi ce was quiet when he said it , I stood perplexed, for this was the first time I had ever seen a mole, it moved at an incredible speed then it stopped sniffed and vanished into a pile of earth. We waited for a little l onger hoping to see it a gain but it never reappeared. To this day I have never seen another mole ( though I have seen a few dead ones that had been gassed) . zn ~ -- The Queen of Heerts She mede some torts All on 11 summer s dey; The Kneve of He orts He stole those terts, And downed the entire trey. Which mede him reel A l lllle Ill - Hi s face turned sickly-brown; (Twes ell the Kneve Could do to keep Tile stolen ]11m torts down.) The Ki ng of Heerts· Cel l ed f or the terts, And threetened the Kneve with the Slick; So t he Kneve stuck his fingers Down his throel And brought the whole lot back. !heres your terts; He told the Kfng, "I gledly them return They're fer too sweet And sickly, And they mede my stomech churn: But the Queen of Heerts Wes heppy, And she scooped the sticky mess Into freshly greased-up · Bolcing trays And wormed them up efresh. ·vvm, yuml" the King Exclolmed oloud, And quickly stuffed hfs face; "I never wes A sovereign who coul d To lerete needless wester ..· ·~~~~~~ ;;;~;:~=~~~~t~~~i~~~t~r~~~=~~~=~======~=~=~=~=~~: ;:;:;:;:;:;:.I get there at 7 . 32, hoping it would be differe nt but from the :;:;:;:;:;:; ve:.y first moment i could tell it was not going to be because :;:;:;:;:;:; as:t glanced upon their faces I felt as though I could see into :;:;:;:;:;:; their minds and what I saw made me withdraw , for; then i knew it :;:;:;:;:;:; .would be no different · from any other day of any other week . I :;:;:;:;:;:; glance around me at some more of the people and look upon them ;:;:;:;:;:;: and realise that everything they are concerned with · is for ;:;:;:;:;:;:themselves . •. • every little action every little action , every :;:;:;:;:;:;word and every move is made for themselves. :·:-:-;.;.;. I left at 1 0 past 4, ·:;:;:;:;:;: leavi ng behind me the same people, doing and saying the same :;:;:;:;:;:: things that have become a past of their everyday life. I leave ·:;:;:;:;:; and wonder why can't it be different. t::;~~;;iil~I~IItti~?!Itt~Ittitfl~~t ·.·.·.·-·-·.·.·.·.·-·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.-.-.-.-.-.---.---.---.·.·.·.·.·.·.-.-. 22 ., HERE IS A SHORT INTERVIEW WITH WAT TYLER WHO ARE FROM LONDON AND ACCORDING TO THE WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE BLATANT BLURB I HAVE HERE THEY HAVE AN LP ON THE SLOGANERRING DONE BY MANY PUNK BANDS ? WAY ON WETSPOTS RECORDS CALLED "CHEDD DO YOU THINK THERE IS MORE SUBTLE WAYS OF SAYING/DOING THINGS? DO YOU THI NK INGTIN",PLUS AN EP CALLED "CONTEMPARY THIS PUTS PEOPLE OFF? FARMING ISSUS" AND FINALLY A SPLIT FLEXI I really don't see any need for blatant sloganerring becuase quite honestly I WITH THATCHER ON ACID CONCERN I NG ID thin.k the majority of people listening CARDS .. . .•.•• YOU COULQ ALWAYS GET HOLD to wat tyler already know that war is silly,animals are getting a bad deal, OF THIER DEMOS IN THE MEANTIME BY Thatcher is a nasty woman, but then liRITING TO: WAT TYLER/THE BOTTOM FLAT/ .,l · . again on new issues like ID cards/poll tax then you may need something obvious 3a ALEXANDRA DRIVE/GIPSY HI LL/LONDON/ ~1r~ or it may mi ss the point. Of course they SE19 lAJ/ •.•••.. SEAN THE DRU. MMER GA~VE-· · are some subtle ways of doing.things but whether peopl e can understand/grasp the THE ANSWEARS . ' ' . I me aning is another thing Subtlety doesn ' t doesn ' t put people off it's t he Ll ·~~~)~~~ - ' ~ music that puts people off. Lyrics can be as weird and wonderful as you want liHAT DO YO; IS · THIN~ ·T~E ~~GGE:~ ~ but music alas not .•• DIFFICULTY IN RELEASING RECORDS AND PLAYING/ORGANISING GIGS? The biggest difficulty in releasing records is obviously the money. It costs about £500 for a thousand singles and £1200 for a t housand lp's.I have never been t hat bothered with doing vinyl until someone i trus.ted offered to do a record. We will be doing a single by ourselves but the money is little problem as my brother has been saveing the money for ages as he works and has no worries about lending i t to me. As for gigs-! hate hassiing people for gigs but i have to or el se '"'e would never play. Organising gigs is a pain and i will only do it if needed or i want to put on a band i like The bigge;t p~oblem- i ~. people tr-;ing. t ';· ·~ get in free (Just walk~ng 1n and say1ng f ~ l've only got 30p because they have ..,'), . • ·· spent £5 on special brew/drugs). · c< ·- :--~. IT TAKE A LOT OF CONCENTRATION TO """'\ 1,.4.-- ·. s PLAY AND SING AT THE SAME TIME? DO YOU WHATl DO YOUR PARENTS TH INK ABOUT WHAT ~ EVER FORGET THE WORDS? DO YOU HAVE ANY YOU ARE DOING? FAVOURITE SONGS THAT YOU DO? WHY? My dad thinks it's pretty amusing. We Yeah, It is pretty difficult playing the have got this live video and he comes in drums and singing. When I first started and watches i t and dances about pokeing doing i t it seemed easier but now I am fun at us. Years ago he once had a jam · getting worse. Of course i forget the with us becuase he can play the lyrics but then again we are saying accordian pretty well. He has no absolutely nothing, so we can say about me doing it etc whatever we want. Favourite song a t the moment i s "I pledge my allegiance to Satan" . People genuinely find it pretty 24 amusing. More From Wat Tyler! "THE.ONLY TIME I LE ARNED NOTHING WAS AT SCHOOL". DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THE ABOVE? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU LEARNED AT SCHOOL? ' The only t hing i lear nt at school was to ) be a clown. I was the loud mouthed kid always making cocky comments and getting sent out much to t he amusements of others. I used to always get on my report, adeua te but distracts others . ~ou do learn things at school but how much is relevant? I'd appr~c iate class es on l doing things around the house like c oki .-r cooking,electricty,etc. School wae a -J laugh. 'IIOULD YOU PIGEON YOURSELF POLITICALLY? ~ Sleepist WHAT SORT OF CULT WOULD YOU LIKE TO START IF YOU WERE GIVEN THE CHOICE? WHY DO YOU THINK THIS THRASH/METAL £HING Hari krisna, I find them intresting . I IS BECOMEING SO POPULAR? have vis ited tha temple in Soho twice in Thrash/metal is popular becuase it is fact i'm thinking of joining them soon. \ great music played by great people for a t great audience . I have no idea. I have HOW FAR 00 YOU THINK PEOPLES ATTITUDES got a few thrash records but i find it AND PERSONALIT1ES AFFECT THE WAY THEY ~ more amusing than anything else. Bands SEE LIFE? like Carcass make me roll about on the Peoples attitudes and personal ity floor in fits. When i saw I ntense Degree obviously affect the way that person I just thought they were hilarious. No sees thier life but then again the direspect to either band but i f you enviroment which they are i n affects can't have a laugh , what can you have? them as well . Another sociol ogical question which i can't pr oper ly answear. FINALLY, HOW IMPORTANT !S •liUSIC TO YOU? - r.v- ' 7~ ~+!;~~:.{;~~~ .. Mus i c i s everything to me, if i ' m not 4 listeni ng to music i'm proably out Y!.'J~ o.;$f_~~: .;:.,~;-<. ~ •I ' ;:~:';2_~ to buy some 9r s leepi ng. ~~~tmY?l ~t~{~1~~~~§:t I ' m 21 now , in 5 years I will be fD)flil\V7fV\ f?R BOOK THAT RE TELLS 26. Vhat will I be then? Will I ~LilJ lJ Lfv\j~ ~ ALL YOUR FAVOURITE change? As I grow older I develop NURSERY RHniES AND myself I change. My l ife will THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED become different and the things I BY SOME DELIGHTFUL did 5 years ago will seem distant DRA~ ING .....THE QUEEN Add on five more years and still OF HEARTS IS REPROD I change for I know I cannot do UCED ELSEHWERE. YOU •he things forever all these CAN GET HOLD OF IT AS people ,events and times had are WELL AS OTHER LITTLE playing a part in makeing my past BOOKLETS FROM AGIT s o I can think back and t hink 1 PRESS, BOX 4, 52 CALL ahead and ponder the f uture but I LANE, LEEDS,LSl 6DT . the only bit of it I know is thatl WELL WORTH GETTING A I '"ill change. HOLD OF THEIR LI ST . 25 Ld~~~~~~~~~ "For St. George's Hill , we can read our planet itself. In the age of exterminism, we are all Diggers, reclajmjng what js ours . They will try to cut us down, but they cannot cut everybody down. And if we do not defy them now , they'll cut us down anyway , whether by intent or accident or error" 26 IRECTIFY ..... 20t h CENTUARY ,EP,£1.30 FROM 16 CEFN CRESCENT , GWENT, NP3 l HX,STH .WALES, Well what we have hear is some good old fashi oned well played punk rock no noi se no gro•11 ls just plain punk r ock and J t ' s very good stuff.Straight forward t unes dealing wi t h the envi roment, nuclear arms r ace ' s and personnel differences . I think it's well worth getting, it's a breath of fres h a ir. H.D. Q.-BELEIVE EP, LOONEY TUNES ,TOP FLAT 23 THE ESPLANDE, SCARBOROUGH,N.YORKS , YOll Are2AQ, this band from Newcastle D. C. or Newcast le ' U.T. (Upon Tyne) ,yes we ll t hey have changed . si ne< hei r earll e r records. Now what we have i s pure out and out Dag Nasty ~hi ch i f you ~ 1 like that type of stuf f t hen t hi s will be j brilliant if you don t we ll i would give i t 1 a miss ,personally l think it's j us t an average record that seems t o lack something to pull you in ~o t he songs. OI POLLOI . .. DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE LP(PUNK' S AND SKIN'S UNITE I NTO ONE BIG AR~IY RECORDS) Well what we have from deek and t he l ads ~ s 14 bli s tering tracks of the best t hrash metal going, t his lp i s f ull of pure s t reet anthems li ke It's your funer al ,schizoid man, the chlmes of the r eaper and my personal fav hammer int o anvil ...... •.•.• . ••• plus t here's a lso a f ew s pace fillers like it's been three years(s i nce he left) . FIREPAR TY....•. FI REPARTY MI NI LP,D ISCHORD, F' i r eparty come from DC,should i end t he r evJe,.. here ? ,Well thi s ls a really good record with ni f ty l yrics and songs played in the good ild rocki n ' DC style.The only low point is t he crappy song at the end which drones on for a little to l ong. A.O. D.. ... CRUSING WITH ELVIS I N BOG FOOTS U.F.O. MI NI LP,BUY OUR RECORDS . Ye t another mini l p that cer tainly ~s pretty s hort but it' s an American lp r i &ht,? Anyway you can forget t he l yrics cause they were proably stuck on as an after thought to go on top of the great musjc here . It' s all good soljd mus j cal song structures njcc voca l bjts and Ia fe·.. :ood s low un •s as wel:l :.· ~·····f' ~····· THE J I GSAW I have picked up the pieces of my j igsaw and tried to put it toget her but i cannot do so becuase i have no picture to build, just a hand belding all t he empty shapes and sizes . The pieces are shaped but do not inter- lock. Why will t hey not fit together? i ask myself. I c an j umble them ar ound but sti ll they wil l not fit. The pieces of my life s eem comparable to a j i gsaw; I have no picture to bui l d , t he pieces are blank . I can hold onto them but event ually. they will drop out of my hand and then i a m lef t hol ding nothing i reach down to pick t hem up, all t he little bi t s and pieces that lie in front of me but i cannot reach them. I rember how i held onto them before t hey fell t hinking abou t what they mean t o me and their signifigance to me ...... Nothing seems to fit, Nothing goes r ight . I cannot build an imagine.ry picture More Reviews! TOKEN ENTRY .... JAYB IRD LP Yet another band from Ameri ca '"ho manage to release an lp sho r t er than 25 m1nutes . Th is is a better than average "straight edge band" who good t hrash you know the so r t of that starts off fast then i n the middle slows down with some gui tar r iffing while we ge t delivered with a piece of dusty straight edge diatribe.Thi s is a good thrasher t hat dosen' t go to fast. LIFE CYCLE • •. MYTH AND RITUAL EP, A band from Wales with a strong message t hat gets lost in a mish mash of chugga chugga slower than amebix of music wh ich is a real shame . l EON ROSSLINSON .•... I DIDN'T MEAN IT FUSE RECORDS For t hose of you who don8t know Leon a folk singer with highly satirical sense of humor that really s hines through in his songs for i t hink he has a great song wri t i.ng ability that deserves to be appreci ated by a lot more people.He uses a variety of instrumen ts like pianos accoustic g uitars ,e l ectric guitars and a whole host of things to cr eate that sound t hat is both enjoyable and very l i stenable r~ favourites off of this one are experts and i heard i t on t he radio which i s a great song about the nuclear det terant. I ••ould urge you to go out and get something by you won't be dissapointed. FI VE LES .. . fiVE LES EP . A reall y good band from belgian who really i t all they ' ve got in going for the (sigh) DC sound and i t works well.This i s r eally good solid powefull mid tempo punk here with all the glossy overtones of a resnoable production. -- 29 30 The followi ng interview and the two others l ater on ':ere originally inte nded f or a seperate magazine but due to va r ~ ou s problems I decided to put them in here . No names are used because I don't think they ' re important. ge 27, Politics - Anarchist. Br ief s exual history- I've had 4 main relationships , 3 of them last i ng 3 vears, one of them r esulted i n the birth of my only child. This is the f ou rth I'm i n now and I hope lt's the laet. Ia sex i•portant to you 7 If so hov important? No I don' t think sex is important at all,it's good though especially if you partake with someone who you have feelings f or , otherwise i t's a wa s t e of time bothe clnr. in my opinion. Are you happy with your sex life ? Yes I'm happy with my sex l ife but I ' m not obsessed by sex, lf anyone is obsessed by i t event ually it will control the way they live along with all t he other for.ms of control. Are you conscious of pressure fro• friends/parents/society to be sexually active ? To my knowledge I'm not conscious of pressure from anyone to be sexually active, although cer tain mediums would like you to be sexually active,smut paper s ,porn movies etc. Do you feel you have to co•pete with friends 1 Co mpetition s ucks anyway so to compete wi th friends would be totally absurd, I thin'k the answer is definetly no. Does sex affect frieodahipa vith a) a friend 7 b) a friends partner 1 Of course sex alter s the status between partners, it e lther brings them closer together or repels them f urther apart , it's all a question of if it feels r ight. Do you get jealous when a friend has a relationship 7 No not a t all , why should I? I'm usually very happy for them as l ong as tha y don ' t lock themselves away which seems to happen in some cases and you totally alienate friendships t hat way, and that's a shame . I also feel no relationship is worth l osing all your friends over. ~ Do you feel you can have sex with people without beco.ing e•otionally involved? Could you have sex with someone and still re•ain 'just friends ' ? Is it 0~ to have casual sex a) in theory b)in practice? I n t heory it could work and in fac t it's happened to me , I was living with this girl/woman and we t hought we were in love but alas it wasn't true, so yes you can have sex between friends although it could and probably will put extreme pressure between that particular relat ionship. Are you happier in or out of a relationship 1 Bo th really I 'm happy on my ovn, but if your lucky enough to get into a relationship wh ere you have that apace to be creative whilst within a relstlonship, then I think it' s brilliant and the relationship will probably last for ever. What •akes a good relationship ? Personally , freedom within it and obviously trus t and honesty wh lch without the relationship has no chance what so ever. What • akea a good friendship ? Th e same as t he above r eally. Freedom being too dominant but trust and honesty ar e t wo good factors . 3 What are your • otives for for•t ng a relationshi p 1 Well r t hi nk the main motives a r e for com pany and nlso for shnri ng thoughts vith and obviously it Nakea i t even better i f your t houghts are on a similar l cvel , oh yes sex probably last of all . What ia your ideal theoretical r el ationship ? For t wo people to get on v ith two separate l ive s without e ither one of them becoming ove r depe ndant on each other.Also I believe that if that ever exists it will probably las t forever as l ong as you ' ve got a basic understand t ng,trus t and honesty being of upmost i mportance. Are you ai•ing for it or is it just f antasy 1 I bel ieve that I ' ve found i t nov, oc as neac as I possibly can. I don't think it's fantasy,it' s just a ques t ion of a basic understandi ng, otherwise wi thout knowing where you stand only of feca ulti mat e confu s i on. Are you in a relationship nov 1 I f so describe i t includi ng any problems t hat arise? Yes I'm in a relat ionshi p now. As for problems that arise I feel if you can anticipate t hings t hat could cr op up in t he future and discuss them calmly, i t usually cuts down on a lot of problems that could arise , obviously I'm not saying problems won't a rise they probably will. Vhat relationabip has had the •oat affect on you We ll I suppose singling out one ,was t he one . who bore my child . So i n respect of what came out of a rela tionshi p t hi s one has had t he biggest effect on my life obv iouely . Do you feel you could have a permanent relati onship with one person ? If · you would have as ked this question about a year ago I would have ans~ered no, but now I ' ve found my ideal part ner so t he answer is i ndeed yes. Was it i •portant for you to lose your virginity 7 I can't real ly remember i t vae a l ong time ago, but I don't thi nk it was i mportant, it was j ust 1 cur ios ity r eally . I Was your first s exual experience what you expected ? I think it was a really inexperienced a ffair as they tend to be i n 90% of cases, it got better It hough I think. I Did the earth •ove 7 I don 't think the earth moved , it wa a just like ma s turbating , maybe I'm bei ng a l i t t le cruel to the both of us . I Did your parents ever explain sex to you 7 My parents didn't t el l me a t hing about it, but I think teenagers learn f rom each ot her i n mos t cases . Vhen do you think is the con:ect age t o begin sex 1 This is an im possible question to answer, oa this wou ld change from person to per son, but I would have a gueas at 19-20 or something like that . Bow would you feel if your 10 year old bl'other told you he vas wanting t o have sex with aoaeone, and felt be was aature enough ? I would persuade him to restrain his urge until he ~as older , no matter how mature he f eels there ia no way tha t he could possi bly be matur e enough to partake i n sex. When you were younger did you have •any girlfriends 1 I had a f ew but I don' t t hi nk I was over the t op about havi ng a di ffe r ent one every two we eks . • Did you bave •any f r iends that wel'e girls ? Yes I had lots of fri ends who are girls and still do . I f i nd them easi er a nd more open about everythi ng . Hen are too busy being macho bastards t o show t heir true f eelings . Do you •asturbate7 Is •asturbation sex 1 At the moment the urge to masturbate hasn' t crossed my mind due to my present relationship , I suppos e ma ~ rba t ~on is a form of sex if you c lass sex by cl imaxing but I don't r eckon it's the real thi ng, it' s just a form of cl imaxi ng wh ils t no~ in a relat ionshi P· Do you •asturbate during relationships ? No r don' t, it's going to look bad on your partner if your caught masturbating t hey woul d automat ically t hi nk they weren't good enough in bed or something. ' 4 At vbat age did you begin ? At about the age of 12 I think, I was ve~y cu~ious about my penis and wh at it could be used for other than pissing in the toilet.! found out. Did your parents ever • ent ion it to you ? No not a whisper, it was curiosity that found it for me and I think the m11jority of boys & girls do actually masturbate although they might not admit to it. ~at do you t hink about vhi l e •asturbating ? This is a good quest i on, I usually think about a girl I like And fantasize about having sex with them. I t does less harm than actually going out a nd fo r cing someone to have sex with you RAPE. Do you try and turn these fantasies into reality ? Not really I don' t t hink it would be real t o sleep with some one after masturbating over them. Have you ever read porn and does it turn you on 1 I've seen a litt le a nd what I've s een ,I thought was pretty dull and couldn't possibly excite me ever. Does porn have any place in a relations hi p 7 ( ie.Would you wa tch a porn aovie vith a partner? ) I don't feel the need for any sex ain such as porn , it's up to the individua l of course, but me personally I wou ld sleep with someone a nd just like them to turn me on and that has worked with me. Do you feel dominant/submissive in bed ? NcJther I wou ld like to think that both of us are equally enjoying it, although I expect men want to be the dominant one s a they a re the superior sex a r en't they? How does this relate to the rest of your relationshi p ? Pretty we l l as making spli t decisi ons is important as is doing things together , the feeling of togetherness . Rave you ever read a sex aanual 1 No . Do you feel t hat you l earn through experience ? Obviously it is true you learn to be Leas selfish and think about what you r partner would like to happen and a lso wha t she wa nts out of sex. ie. Climax or wha tever else she wants. Do you feel sexually confident I suppose t do really al though onl y recently, but after all it's the most natural thing on ear th,so why feel ashamed about it. Is this the first time you've talked openly about your sex life No, but it's the first time I 've wr itten it down for all to see. Once upon a time in a land Spledinborg lived a young puppy the name of Oftlcar Dnkowaki.Younr. O•kar wu ~ mongn!l although in fairness a rather cute.one,for hi• life " aa just one big bovl of l!appi --., .( EVERYONE' S FUCKKD/////////1 8 Age 22. Politics- Anarcho-cynicalist Brief sexual histor y - Lost my virginity at sexual relationships , one lasting four years, matter of weeks as she vas her e on holid:a~y·· ~l!!ll I s sex i mportant ? If so, how mpo rta nt ? It is important i n that it is part of our lives that is 110 •y11t ified for wha tever ratarded attitudes of people towards sex cause a lot of probleas , the only way to overcome this is t o bring it out of the closet and treat it with honesty and openness.Raving said all that I don't t hi nk that sex is the most important part of relationships and the i a portance of sex has been blovn out of all proportion by the media who create a totally false i mage of what s ex really~l~s~·~:i~~;!~ Are you happy with your sex life 7 Yes, ! ' 111 happy with •Y sex life, at the moaent I don't have one & I'm reasonably happy with that. Some t i 111es I think I s hould be •ore active sexually although not enough to eve r do anything about it. Al t hough I • ight not be 100% happy with •Y sex life i t doesn't bothe-c me enough to • ake the effort to change this, as that's so•ething I ' • not prepared to do. So on the whole I'd say I'• happy with it . Are you conscious of pressure fro• friends /parents /societ y to be sexually active 7 I 'm not conscious of any pr essure from fr i ends as I'd expect most t o know my views anyvay. My parents don't say much about the subject , they used to be pretty close to my ex girl friend and I suppose it hurt them too ~o•hen we split , I think it would be almost impossible for them to treat any gir lfr iend in the future quite the same. I was bac~ seeing my family at Xmas and got the usual questions, "Have you got a girlfriend ?" , when I sald no I was advised to "play the f ield" and "Love t hem and leave them", by elderly fema le members of t he fa mi ly. From society in general lt' s easy to get the i mpression that everyone's either i n a nice cosy relationship or 'bonking' ever ything that moves. Personally I don't feel any pressure at all as the ~o~hole myth is so ble. Do you feel you have to coape t e vith friends ? No , not at all. I've watched others do it and jus t find it degrading to everyone involved. Does sex affect friend11h lp8 vi th a)A partner 7 Yea, friendships total ly change, At t he start of a relationship every action beco• ea • agnifted, a vrong vord at the wrong t i • e can cause nn argument , although this only happens because so auch eaotions are involved. After a wh i le a better understanding should evol•e which goes further than friendship, to the extent that you can put up with each other s •oods without even t hinking about it. Raving said all that even at an early s tage of a relationship ther e is a lot • ore trust involved due to the intiaacy of the situation. b)A friend's partner 7 Ye s i f a friend is having sex with someone I'm more willing to trust them and wou lcl at Least try and be friendly to them as I do have a certain respect f or friends and they're j udgeme nt of people . Do you get jealous vhen a friend has a -celationahip ? No , on the contrary, I usually feel happy for everyone i nvolved, as I like to see my .1+-- fr-i ends happy . I don't t hink I 've ever been jealous in this situation and I hope I never am. The vay I see it is If a fr i end feels the need to be with someone regularly it's because s /he isn't gett ing wha t they need out of they' r e other friendships, so good l uck t o them. Do you f eel you can have sex with people without becoaing e•otionally involved 7 Could you have sex vith soaeone and still remain just friends 1 Is it okay to have casual sex a) · In theory 7 b) In practice 7 No, I don't think I c a~ have sex with someone without becoming emotionally involved , well I haven t been able to do it so fa r , it would certainly make things a lot easier if I could . I tried it but after a few days she started taking over my thoughts and all of a sudden it didn't seem so simple anymore.! don't know if I'd risk having sex with some one, in the ho pe of r ema i ning 'just friends', friends are too precious, a nd I know it wouldn't work out like that, ~o~ell not at the moment anyvay · Casual s ex is okay in theor y , hut in practice I don't I< nov if it • s possibl e. (for me anyway) 9 Are you happier in or out of a relationship 1 In many vays I'm happier in a relati onship . I become more outgoing and sociable and generally happier. Out of relationships I'm happier within myself, without the constant mind fucking and t he stress of continual ly thinking about someone. I also find 'lt very re-assuring to be strong and happy outwith a relationship, just knowing that I don't have to rely on anyone . What •akes a good relationship ? Trust, honesty and excite•ent. Without trus t a nd honesty •ost thin gs are worthless, relationships a r e no different. Kxci te•ent, I can't really explain th~b, it's just exciting being vith certain people, •aybe i t 's so•e aort of sexual che•iatry or something, I '• not really sure what it ie . What • sites a good friendship ? T 'm not really sure of this either !IS I 've so many different t ypes of friends and there isn't really anything to l ink t hem together. I suppose the friendships I value most are based on trust and honesty, being able to speak frankly together as we 11 as being able to l augh together. A l ot of the time it's just a natural thing, you just get on with someone or you don't, another important quality is loyalty, I really value a lot o f my older friends , even though we have differen t views on a lot of things, we've been through a lot together and I feel they ' ll stick by me t hrough any shit and I hope they feel that too . Would you like to be in a .relationship nov ? I don' t want to be in a .relationship enough to provoke me to do anyt hing about i t, but if someone came along and t bin&a were okay I'd probably ju•p headfi~at into it. So t he answer's probably yes . I wouldn' t start a ~el ationsh ip if I wasn't happy with •Y l i fe, I don't vant a rel ationship to • ake up for other parts of •Y life aa this just leads to total reliance and I ~eatly don' t want that sort of situation to occur, so I 'd be very vary of getting involved vith anyone when things aren't going too well. llhat are your •otivea for for•ing a r elationshi p ? Initially excitement and fun in all it's different forms, as thls is one part of my life that can always be improved. The c losenes s and intimacy of sex is a lso a mo t ive but as I s aid before there has to be some sort of friendship first or it's not really worth the fuck, so to speak. r------~ 1 0 WhRt is yout" ideal theoretical t"clationship ? Ideally "'e would be very close yet independent and it woul~n't affect the other parts of my life . Are you ai~aing for it or is it just fantasy ? It's total fan t asy as I usually end up \Ianting to spend more and more time \lith people I enjoy being with and this naturally affects all the other parts of my life . I don't reall y see the point of aiming for anything within a relat ionship,things happen and change so quickly,! just wait an~ see "'hat happens. What relationahip has had the ~aost effect on you ? Obviously I'd say my fi r st r elationship which lasted 4 years. It radically changed my outlook on life,in that I realised that life can be more than the mundane existence i t is at present, basically I learned what l ove is all about. Being with someone for that length of time means you develop a real understanding of each other which when the relationship is over leaves you feeling a bit like you've lost a l imb or something, so it definitely had a negative effect too . Do you f eel you could have a permanent relationship with one pet"son ? I'm not really sure, I'm very wary of relying too much on one person but no doubt that would be quickly forgotten if someone 'special' came into my life, so yes I probably could. Does having a t"elationship •ean you neglect your f r iends ? Row do you I they act 7 Yes, I probably do neglect my f ciends but I can't really see any ll "'ay round this. I would expect them to ~o nderstand and to a certain extent I think they have in the past. I find that I don't really notice the extent , and still treat my friends t he same even although they may feel distanced from me, I've had this happen to me, which is quite a strange feeling. I don't really see why people become so upset "'hen a friend is seeing 'their' partner more than their fr i end, no one seems to mind if the y don't see someone cos they're working or wha tever, so it just seems like petty jealousy t o get annoyed, "'h ile your frien~ is obviously happy. As I said before I don't really see any \lay round this situation. it I Was it i • por tant for you to lose yout" virginity 7 Yes, was at the time I someho"' felt re- assured by the fact that I wasn't a virgin anymore , looklng back it all seems rathe r silly. Waa your f irs t sexual expet"ience what you expected ? I don't really kno"' "'hat I expected, it was more of a relief to get it over "'ith than anything. Did the earth •ove? No , it wasn't particul arly pleasurable , it a few times to actually get the hang of it. Looking back I think we \lere t oo terrified to enjoy it. r Did your parent s ever explain sex to they never mentioned it andthem stillabout donit 'anyway t , I ._d_o~ n~' ;t~t~h:in~k:;I~' d~~f;eie~~~~~-~S!i!!~~c~ojm~f ~o~rit~a~b~l~e~~s~p~e,a~k~i;n~gC~t~o( When do you think is the correct age to begin sex ? Whenever you feel emotionally and physically mature enough, wh ich differs from person to person . How woul d you feel if your ten year old brother told you he vas wanting ~o have sex wi th someone a nd fel t be vas oaatore enough ? Surprised, I haven t got a little brother. I'd try and talk him out of it, remindi.ng him of I contraception and other risks like giving her cervical cancer (presum~ng she "'as young t oo) . If he really "'as mature enough he'd probably go off, having,tak:n my arguments into account, and do it anyway . If they both "'anted to, there s l~ t tl~ I could do to stop them. I remember thinking I was mature "'hen I was ten so I don't really think there i s much point stressing the fact that they are young. When you were younger did you have many girlfriends ? No, hardly any bei ng such a s hy young lad, coming to think of it being a punk couldn' t have helped things. fr iends that were girls ? Yes, I al\lays had a few girls, although they were never quite as close as Do you •aaturbate 7 Is masturbation arx 7 Yes I masturbate, r suppose it i s a for m of sex , depends on what you mean as sPx I suppose, I mean physically you can achieve a good orgasm through masturbation, seeing as you know your body better than anyone else but sex wi t h someone is still better than masturbation, so wha t is sex 1 Being physical ly close to someone, just touching,hol ding a nd being intimate with someone 7 Do you •aat urbate dur i ng r elati ons h ips ? Not to the same e xtent hut yes, depend ing on how sexually act i ve I am at the timr. At wha t age did you begin 7 Round about eleven I think , m"ybe even ea rlier , I reme mber everyone admltting t o lt ln t he summer between primar y and secondary school a nd every conversation for mo nths afterwards being based round it. pare nts ever • ention i t t o you ? No, masturbation l i ke sex has taboo s ubject. ------E::=:=::==:::::=:=:=J What do you think about while • asturbatlng ? Past exper iences , gettinr. i n some sort of sexual situation wi th someo ne I'm attr acted to . Do you try and turn these fantas ies i nto real i t y ? No , they are only fantasies and remain so , i n fantasies everythinr. fits into pll\ce pe r fec tly, i n real ity these situations are filled with doubt, and it never quite wo r ks out how you pl anned, s o t hey stay i n the 3afety of my hPad . Have you ever read porn 7 Yes, when I was young ve used to smuggle them to each ot her, thinking back half our live~ uRed to be based r ound it. I remember going home at l uncht im e i n primary to read some ma gs . I t hink I stopped around (irst or second year. I knov plenty guys who still smuggle them t o each other nov, only the meeting place has changed from the playground to the pub. 1 recentl y saw my firs t porn mo vie, I watche r! it for a whf.lc out of intrest t he n went back t o t he book r was reading. The whole thing vas so corny, like some women wou l d go for a coffee the next minute they're having nn orgy under the table with anyo ne who h11ppe ns to be paslllng by. At fl rat I never found it o ffensive, it was just lots of people fucking, later on some Englis h ones came on and I act uslly hea rd wha t they were sayin?,, things l i ke "Your dying f or it you llttle bitch , I ' m going t o make you beg for it". This seems to be the underlyi ng message of the whole thing, I mea n 1t wall said amongst the gasps snd groans as i f it was a normal sort of t hing to say to someone. Another strange thi ng was mos t of the s hots we r e c l ose ups or penises which I thought wa R pretty strange f or all t hese heterosexual men gett ing turned on by watching it . ~ Does it turn you on ? [t did at the ti11e but after a while they all became r epetit ive and boring . r find it at best boring and at worse disgusting and degrading , having s aid all t ha t l t probably would turn me on physically . Does porn have any place in a eels tionship ? ie. Would you wa t ch a porn movie with a partner ? I know of people wh o watch porn top,ether and obviously fee l they need/ enjoy that 'st imulant '. I person111ly have no interest in il whatsoeve r. I ' d probably be more embarrassed than anything e lse by the at t itudes i t pr omoted . Do you feel do•inant I aubmisalve in bed ? I ' d never real ly t hought of it before but I 'm sure I'l l be allghtly one or the other dependi ng on moods, part ners and situati ons . I don't f eel over tly one wny or another . = 12 Have you e't'er read a sex Manual 1 What did you think of it ? Yes, I have , I didn't think it was anything spectacular and I don't think I le ' ~ Do you feel you l eArn through e >:perience ? Ye s, I think it's t he only wa y to l earn. Do you feel sexually confident ? At the mom e nt yes, although I'm sur e that could easily be changed by a few choi ce words o r actions from a partner , being such a sensitive chap (aren' t we all really ). Is t his the f i rst time you've talked openly about your sex life ? No, I've a few friends who I can talk to about it whiLe wi th some others i t s j ust not mentioned, there s eems to be s ome sort of barrier which is a shame . _.. - ··BADGES BADGES HADE TO ORDER Bands 100 badges - £15, 200 - £25. Political I Community I Animal Rights groups llp per badge - any quantity. Poll Tax Badges £1 + SAE for 10, All badges come in a va r iety of colours. Make cheques I PO's I IMO's out to Processed Tapes. Jonny, 22 (lFl) Lutton Place, Edinburgh , EH8 9PE . or phone 031-667-1507 . ·All. i]lE N~l"iS "1: NEBJ· * ' 13 re p,ret some of I told him. I wa s dP.ad open and i.nnocent . I nev.e r realised that they where teen and my marking it a ll down to use we re pretty against me lat er. My whole desperate, My house had no gas childhood is down on file - I or electricity and my told him that I'd grown up _ boyfriend didn't want me to without parents and that I have a baby. I thought about didn't want a child to be born bringing it up alone but he into this terrible society still wasn't into it - I ' m not without and have to grow blaming him - all along T without the protection that knew that I was too fucked up needed, protection that a t that point to bring a ba wa sn't yet ready to gi.ve. didn't want a child to ever I'd taken a pregnancy have to feel as bitter as I'~ tes the doctors and had to iUHII'VE been made to feel, Re e nd ed go back for the results . T 1(;5 TOO' putting his hand on didn't have a .clue about how ·I)PIDHIS shoulder and offering me to go about getting an psychiatrist. Turns out abortion when I me t a woman - wasn't helping but offering who'd just had one. She said terms on which he'd give that she'd come what I wanted . Now I live in absolute resistance paranoia , mainly because the medical profession, and that state has a piece of paper the only way I ' d get one if saying that I'm mentally they refused, would be by me unstable it scares me so saying "You can't refuse much that they could take my it's every woman's right children away. I know I wasn't choose . " I don't now where ~ mad - I was a damn si t mo got this information from cos human than t were. I knew absolutely nothing about t ~\Ct ';r;;-~ he ri a hey lke pt their part of the deal wa l s, and they admitted me to me I was pregnant and hospi tal . T was treated like a less tried to shove me lump of meat, nobody told me out of his office, but I what was going on - it wa~ a wouldn't have it. I sat down ca~e of 'lie down and open and refused to move, . I didn't your legs,' they didn't want a baby and wasn't going explain anything . I felt to have one . He still said totally isolated . I was on the that he couldn ' t help - then same ward as women who were he asked how much money I had having problems conceiving and said that he 'd give me the it felt terrible to be aware address of a private clinic. I of these women all the time. had none, I couldn't afford to The friends I had , hadn't pay for a private clinic. It been through the same made me realise that he wasn't experience. If I'd been morally opposed to me having c ounselled then maybe things an abortion so I persisted, I Iwould have been different. thought the NHS wa s there to ;What made things so difficult help women like me . I i was society's attit udes . ~ou frightened and shaky and are totally on your own tears but I wouldn ' t leave nobody wants to talk about it. office . In the end he said , It feels like a very shameful "The only thing do is thing and there's very few to a ist. people you can trust wi th it. It defi nitely had a big~ effect on my mental state. It~ took years for me to clear my~· conscience - fi.na 11 y I took a long look at myself, at how bad and good I was and thought, "Fuck the rest of 'em, 1 have to listen to myself." -~~~-~-- My grandma once told me: hyou're born a catholic you'll In a way that's true cos the indoctrination is really strong. 'Thou shalt not kill', is the second commandment and I thought I'd broken it, it took a long time to shake that off. By the time I got married I'd broken them all. The only thing that kept me sane was realising that those commandments are made by men - and I don't have to follow them. MAKE ME FEH LIKE NOTHING IN THE WORLD COULD EVER GET ME DOWN ••• LEEDS ABORTION FUND -·---r West Yorks. x years o ock ng on twenty seven. politics broadly speaking are anarchist on an individual anti authoritarian level and also on an organisational approach to problems, but I am also a realist in that I will support struggles which are not necessarily anarchist in nature. rather than side with bosses and governments. I don't believe that there is an anarchist or any other blueprint set of rules for myself, let alone anyone else. People change. I am living proof of this fact. Also as I said before I am an optimist, i .e. despite all the crap in our world and the real possibility that the world might die before i've lived my natural span, there are still many things which make me feel positive about living. Is sex important? If so how important? media and "art" etc . and consequent peer pressure would suggest. Not as important as I used to think it was. I am twenty six and three quarter years old and I have had sexual intercourse with women on two occassions in my life; once each with two different women. If I were part of a "Sun" newspaper survey then I would probably come under the category of "abnormal double plus" , and being as I was a virgin until I was twenty three and three quarter years old, from the ages of fifteen to twenty or so I used to think there must be something wrong with me. However if people were honest with themselves, and blokes in particular, then I am sure there are lots of people like me who have learned by experience, that one doesn't need to have sex with someone else every other day to be happy with one's life. 1 think the problem is that society places so much importance on sex,that the process by which I learnt there is more to life than thinking about sex, is a long and painful one. Are you happy wi th yo ur sex life ? Well I havn't had s exual intercourse with another person for over two years a nd it really doesn't bother me that much . I mean one could argue that I am asex ual i. e. that I channel my creative energies in to other things such as writing or physical exercise, but I don't think that is the whole picture, 'cos I do think it woul d be nice t o have sex with certain peo ple once in a while. I me an I do ha ve a sex drive but I wouldn't describe myself as being sexual l y frustrated. I would have done a few years ago, but now I've come to terms wi th the fact that sex isn ' t like going to the supermarket to buy a packet of c hocolate biscuits . I masturbate quite regularly and that , along with a lot of other things in my l i fe keeps me happy for most o f the time . There are times when I do feel unhappy beca use sometimes I fee l lonely. This is not for want of having close fr i e nds , I mean I have lived wi th frie nds under the same r oof for the last six or seven years in what I c an only describe as an extended family s ituatio n. There a r e eight of u s and over the years we have got to know each other really quite well to varying degrees . What I mean i s that i f I want to then there is a l ways s omeone I can go a nd talk to about whatever. There is always s omeone a r ound so to speak. Als o I am now close eno ugh to my parents to talk to them about anything if the need arises. Now a pyschologist might say t hat I sometimes feel alone because I have no sex l ife , but t hat is not even half the picture . Wha t I mean i s that soci ety at l arge detatches sex f rom other f eelings and puts it on a pedestal all on it's own. And with our socie ty being pat r iarchal as it i s , I think that it becomes a state of mind, with blokes in particular that sex and emotional f eelings are two s eperate t hings and that we should not confus e the two . I n a word i t 's ho rriffic . I mean i t is totally clinical to take one a spect o f people's lives and to isolate it and then put it under a microscope and devote s o much attention to it, without looking at it in the context of ho w it interacts with all the other aspects of people's l i ves. I think that is what our society does to the s ubject of sex and that is why I and a lot of other people grow up totally and utterly confused about sex. I mean I learnt about sex on a very crude level f rom lads at s c hool, f rom reading porn mags, stuff on TV and whatever e lse I could pick up o n. The result of course was that I had a very d ist o rted view of s ex. I mean in essence as a l ad I was mistakenly led to beli eve that my sex drive (which is but one aspect of my natural being) was this uncontrollable overriding governer of ho w I was really supposed to think and act. That the " fuck ' em and c huc k ' e m" ma chismo wi th which I was supposed to t r eat women was the highest virtue . Thankfully f or all involved I could never live up to such a role model, I think because when it came t o it I was so c onfused between wh at I thought I was supposed to be feel i ng and what I really was i n actual fact feel i ng, that I just go t scared and avoided women and sex for a lot of y e ars. ••••• MM YOUR .. ~~ Are you concious of pressure from friends/ parents/ society to be sexually active? As a teenager for a l ot of the time it s eemed as if I was conscious of little e lse, not from my parents but from being in an all lads school, being in the scouts and just generally hanging around with lads who were as confused as I was. And of course the pressure really originates in s ociety as a whole. (When I say society I mean patriachal society: the male bias that dominates our everyday social intercourse, the effects of which become ingrained in the way both men and women act). Like I,ve said it was very confusing . On the one hand I wa s thinking that there was something wrong with me because I wasn' t sexually active, but on the other hand for one reason or another I couldn't get any sex. (I was still thinking it was like buying the chocolate biscuits at this stage) . At the age of fifteen sixteen on the rare occassions that I did get close to girls (i.e. physically close as in we were sat on the same seat as each other), then I just wanted to kiss them all the time and put my hand up their dresses and root around. It felt good to feel someone else's body warmth, but when they told me to stop and didn't want to s ee me again it all became very sour and I didn't really understand. I mean I didn' t have a clue about women . They were portrayed as objects, I saw them as objects , but when I actually met them they were not at all like that. Rather than be faced again with rejection (which was a worse crime in our gang of lads than not going out with a girl) I opted not to get involved with girls for q uite a few years. This wasn' t a conscious decision, I mean I wanted to be i nvolved with girls, but in practise it just seemed too complicated and confused as I was , I coul d live with that i n spite of peer pressure to be sexually active. Do you feel you have to compete with friends? We ll as a teenager as I have said I withdrew from the competition, and since then I began to realise that sex was not a competition, and that the whole concept of seeking sexual prowess as a man to prove oneself or to demonstrate one's power was wrong, and indeed had been the cause of much of my confusion. Of course tnerehave been occassions where I have had a crush on ~Y best friend's girlfriend, and I don't particularly feel Jealous.of the bloke I just feel sorry for myself. I mean i've known 1n that situation that there has never been the slightest chance o f . the woman falling for me, so in effect it's just a f~nta s~ 1n my head that we could ever be together. And I could I l1ve ~ 1th ~hat f or years just keepi ng it to myself. However somet1mes 1 t got to the point where I had to break my silence for ~Y own good. What I mean is that it woul d get to the stage wh ere I 1t would hurt too much, and the only way out would be to destroy the _fantas~ by telling the woman, and this with the risk of putt1ng a d 1stance between us as friends that wasn't there before. All very painfull f or me at the time of course but the surest and quickest way for me to get reality back into perspect~ve. ~nd having destroyed the crush s o to speak, I could I get on w1th be1ng friends with that person again. Do you get jeal ous when a friend has a relationship? No not as such. I occassionally have been jealous of certain blokes because they have seemed more likely than me to win the attentions of the woman on whom we both had a crush at that particular point in time. Also occassionally I have been jealous of blokes who are I .actually going out with the woman on whom I have a crush but in that s~tuat ion nine times out of ten I wou l d back off, ' painfull though 1t maybe , but secure in the knowledge that the sooner I forgot about that particular woman (in terms of having a I relationship with her) then the sooner the pain disappears. 17 v r. , , • C cv -.. _ ...J (l) 1-'• o n "': . m mrt n x-rt .... •-· - -· I think the feeling I get is more like, as ~ heterose~u a l. I ~ee a woman and a man involved together , and I JUSt somet~mes th~nk why can't it be me . Maybe I feel left out or some thing or I'm mi ssing out on one of life's grea t adventures. Actual ly r:m a real sucker for r omantic films or plays. I remember watch1ng a christmas edition of "Jus t Good Friends" a couple of years back J' and it really got t o me. Christmas is a bad time to be lonely I think just cos the whole emphasis is on people being together. . • &~v~m~Hn-~r~~~~~ ~ ------• uJ)t.. •Vt;Jh • • '"''-I c-... ., Ll!)t ~ Are you happier i n or our of a relationship? Well as I 've implied I don ' t really regard mys elf as havi ng experienced a proper relationship, but if a handful of short-lived flings are anything to go by then I am happier out of a relati onshi p, more often than not . I ' d say that three times out o f five I ' m glad that the r elationship has ended, and in most ca ses.f~r me, o~ce we've got the busin ess out of the way that we know 1t.s not go1ng to work out between us, then a fr i e ndship can and does d7velo~. Maybe this means I am a difficult person to have a : elat1onsh1p with or more simply , I just haven't met anyone yet w1th whom a relationship has flourished. Do you feel people without becoming emotionally involved? Could you have sex with someone and still rematn just friends? Is it okay to have casual sex a. i n theory b. in practice? Personally I thi nk t o have sex with someone necessarily means that you become emotio nally involved on one level or a nother, wel l that has b een my experience anyway. I j ust don't think t hat I for one, can get so physically close to a person without being a ffected on an emotional l evel . I don ' t know, I mean it's not like having a wank where as soon as it's over and wiped up I forget a l l about it. There is a nother person involved and we ther it i s good or bad I'm thinki ng a bout that other person , having seen and felt that person in an intimate way, even if I d idn't know that person too well. I mean I'm e ither thi nking I want to be close to that person again or I want to know everything about them or, that I got too close to that pers on in the physical sense and the overspill of emotional energy and feeling is too much cos I f eel like I don 't r eallY know them at all. I mean in the great white male ma cho tradition it's supposed to be cool for blokes to appear as i f they're not emotionall y involved, and I think for blokes to t ry and live up to that is one of the ma in reasons why a lot of blokes are r eallY fucked up I mean I tried to l i ve up to it for a while a nd it messed me up. Worse still, as a result of lads and blokes just using women for s ex and a lot o f wome n get physically a bused and are left with ment al scars that can last a l ifetime. I think it seems like an easy way out for blokes to deny the ir own feelings and emotions and exchange them for some macho image, ra ther than to take responsibility for those feelings and emotions . 18 u~~=-~ As I explained earlier on I did have sex w~tn someone ana we II 1 remain f riends and I don't think that is a particularly 1'II1 I mean I t hink I felt like after both I I that I needed to put a distance between myself a coolinq off period, but in the case of the first woman I had sex with once we qot over that it was f i ne. In othe r case the distance re~ained. P~~-- Nowadays I'm in a frame of mind where I'm not par ticularly ing for sexual encounters. I don't think the desire to have sex with s omeone is what motiva tes me particularly, if I am attracted t o a woman . I mean rea lly I don 't know if it ever was . I mean I t hink ma y be I was force fed the b e l i ef tha t my sex drive was the pr ime move r . I think the desire to be close to someone emotional ly, mentall y spiritually and physica lly is much stronger for me and that does't mean necessarily ha vinq sex with them or not . I mean I know what sex is i n the context of a casual relationship but I r eally don't know what it is like in r egard to a serious relations hip. Thus far in l ife it is simply beyond my experience. I have ve ry close friendships with people stretching ba c k years, but I have never had an intimate relationship with a nyone that has lasted more tha n a couple of weeks. Now for large chunks of my life this doesn't bot her me. I am generally happy with my life, happy being with f riends, and happy being on my own for l o ng periods o f time keeping myself to myself. However, asi s a id earlier on sometimes I do feel lone ly and I think," why does i t never ha ppen to me?" and at that particular moment in time ther e is r eally no answer to that question. ~ ; "-'.· , · j ._.. ~~· When you were younger d i d you h~ve many girlfriends? No, none : r ~ally. Before I was twenty or so there was o nly o ne girl who I ! saw more t han once and I only saw her twice . • •.;c Did you h ave ma ny fr i ends t hat were girls? Yes, some .. . I mean ! as a teenager the sit uation was there ' d be a g ang of five or six .;c lads and there'd be t wo or three g irls who ' d hang around with us ! ~~~~=~;o~:l~~~ g!ng~o~·;.n~~i~ka~!a~~e:a:e~~~:e:st~:~n:sd~~~:r!~~~ ; Any road t hat was roughly the pattern f or the three differrnt : qangs I was in between the ages of fourteen to twenty. In a sense ! it i s stil l happening no w, in terms of pro.portion of men to women .;c a t l east. Like i n our grouping now ther e are five bl okes and ! three women and all the time wom e n are in a minority. In the ! scene , meetinqs, gigs etc . it's the same . I t is very rare indeed ~ where the numbers are eq ual or that women outnumber men . .." 1 0 g~~: Pi~v~0 ~ :~Y~h;o~~m!~ ~ ~o~:~n~n~~ :a~~:gi~rg~~!~Qm~~u~~c~~it; : a nd . t he stimu lus of being wi th and learn i ng from o ther people, ! but it has always been very ma l e orientated until t h is last two • or three y ears . Inevitably in which ever gang it was some of t he lads a nd lasses would fancy each other and start going out with each other. This didn't destr oy the g ang, and for me it meant I was meeting g irls o n a f riends basis, because they were going out with my btst mates . However, I don't think I e ver saw t h em on the s ame ter ms as my male friends and I never got close e nough to any of the g irls o n an indi vidual basis to find out any different. I would always end·up having a s t r ong crush on the qirl who'd be going ·out with my best mate and on that level it always seemed like I was left on the shelf, which did cause me considerable pain from time to time. I mean I could live with it cos it was just a• important for me to be with people, but I could never lh,• .,. •r~ a l l cut it with girls on any l evel f o r a l ot of years . I think English culture is basically homosexual in the sense I 19 that the men only really care about other men. - Germaine f'>Teer. Now I know lots of women who are friends and s o me are very close friends, but still none as intimate friends. (I'll point out here that I don't think that having sex with a person is the criteria that makes a relationship between two people intimate. I mean it obviously can be a part of what mak es a relationship intimate , but I fee l that it's important to stress that there's a lot more to it than that) .However I do feel that I have pro9re ssed in leaps a nd bounds because now I can talk to women and enjoy women's company as friends, whereas befor e I could not. I'll also point out for the record that contrary to the popular myth, the successive gangs did not break up specifically because some of our lads got serious with girls . No , I think the socio economic factors of some of us be ing streamed into different divisions of the education system, with the result that some of us stayed on at school and some didn't, and some of us had jobs and money and some didn't. Some got into punk and some didn't ... old gangs disitegrated and new ones formed. M.C.· . . ,:.. ..~...... £ ~~, ~·•we~. Do you masturbate? Is masturbation sex? Yes I do masturba te and I think masturbation is a sexual act. It's just that it's usually associated with one person doing it by themselves, and it's just got a really bad name for itself. It's like in slang, a wa nker i s someone who is not very good at something or someone who messes things up or is just a pratt cos they behave badly towards people. And it carries over, t he implication being that people who wank or masturbate do so because they are not good at sex or on the male side because t hey cannot get girlfriends . Hence the porn mag in one hand penis in the other dirty raincoat stereotyped wanker. I'm not saying that there are not people who are like that, just that the re are a l ot of p eople who masturbate because it is an enjoyable experienc e t o be on one's own, enjoying one's own natural bodily impulses and entertaining pleasant thoughts. I think it's i mportant to stress that, the idea that every time a bloke gets a hard on that he has to relieve himself either by having sex wi th someone or by masturba ting himself is absolute bul lshit. It is central to the myth propagated by patriachal society which is used by that society to excuse rape and the abuse of women i . e. that man has an uncontrollable s ex drive it is bullshit. It is the worst excuse in the world for us as bloke s not facing up to personal responsibility for our own ac tions. Yes me n do have a sex drive and. maybe it is stronger t han women's sex drive, I don't know, but I do know that bloke I can control my sex drive. Wllilll[ said before in a relationship s tuation or even e period of courting before it becomes a relationship, there is a lot more to it tha n the isplated sexual urge. For me my whole thought processes and emotional range are encompassed. I t hink my stomoch is more affected than my sex drive like I might be off my food or I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think a bout whoever it is. I'm not saying tha t I don't think about sex a t all, cos I do but the sexual desire is not as strong as the desire to simply be with that person. At what age did you begin? I think when I was twelve but I could have been thirteen. Did you~ parents ever mention it to you? No, and I never mentioned it to them. 20 ,,,a~ ------.._ 11 ; I ~at ~=a g ood -:lati:nship? :=:eally don't ;:,:. rc:u~d- -1 \ offer a lot o f theories like, mutual respect and \ I I other enough space, and simpl havi ng things .JJ.-1 practice I 've yet to find out. - I What makes a good friendship? In a say time; time I spent in each others company. As time goes by you find out wether 11 you like each other and if you do then you continue to see each 11 oth er . If there is no common bond there then you naturally drift apar t, no big deal. (You see no mention of the word sex and it's no big deal). Any r oad for a real fri e n dship to develop, as time ~ goes by you discover each other's fau lts, and things you don:t ~ like about each other. Maybe for the friendship to survive each ~ has to learn to l ive with what they see as the other's shortcomings. I think knowing when a nd being able to tell each ~ other to piss off once in a while helps. Being able to argue with ~ each other and come to terms with what the other has to say about ~ you , without having to declare war on each other. Of course ~~ people change over the years and I suppose a good friendship is one that survives those changes. For instance, if you lived with ~.• someone for years and lhen moved apart and move d on to d o ~~· seperate things and you see ·a l ot less of each other , but still -:1 retain the abi lity to relate to each other. I don't know, there is something very natural about a friendship. It just happens or it do e~n 't I sup~~~'£~;~ Would you like to b e in a relationship now? I suppose yes. I ~ t hink quite often from time to time about being in • relationship. I suppose it's fantasizing really, but I do ~ sometimes think, that is what I want out of life; to be in a ':relationship . Maybe it's because my mum and dad have been happily • marrie d f o r thirty years, and t wo o f my best friends have been • going out together for years, which means i n fact that I've been r- living around couples for virtually all my life. I sometimes - ~ thi nk that that is where I would like to end up i. e . in a couple. ~ Maybe it' s because I'm a dreamer or maybe it' s because I've never ~ had a long r elationship with anyone and I want to see what all ~ the fuss is about. o o •• •• , + + + ;,; Wha t are-you;-motiv-;s- for forming a relationship? Because ~ think it might be n ice to be intimately close to another person. ~ See no, I can 't really explain it. I mean it seems like a very • --~ ~ natural urge for me to look for a relationship . People have been •~ ~ doi ng since time immemorial and if I look oat myself it seems ..-.., !1• ingrained in my emotional ma ke up to seek to form a relationship . .·. -~. -~ Basically I think on balence people like being with other people ~ ~ rather than not. Now I know we all give each other a lot of shit ~· from time to time and getting involved with friends and/or ~ partners can bring a lot of pain, but it doesn't stop us seeking '4111; and forming new friendships and r elationships. Maybe it's as ~ simple as me wanting to be loved a nd wanting to love someone ~~~e lse . Now there's a funny thing just looking back over your ~ quest ions I see that none of them contain the word love. Maybe . -~ it ' s a good job t hey don't or else I ' d be writing as much again ,. on the subject. Arguably I 've never been in love . I mean I love ~ my mum and dad and my brothers and I love my friends but have I ... ever actually been in love? Does my falling stomach over head for •("' .-..someone count, b eing as it has never worked out, and the feeling • ':i disappears almost as quickly as it crept up o n me?· I am - digressing s omewhat. • ------All this turns me on, '2\. She has fantas1e>- ':;llll ex< i!pt that I don't thmk girls ought to say these kmd of things. ~ Do you feel you could have a permanent relationship with one v v • person? I think so, but after all the head in the clouds bit it ~ vwould have to work or else I know I' d just get out as soon as I ~ could. I mean I don't think I 'm up to living with someone who I ';;/ was having a relationship with, I think we would have to have ~ known each other a good few years before I could get around to that. I dont think it could wor k in isolation. Two people cannot \~ continuosly supply all each other's needs, and for it to work and r, keep working, I think there would have to be strong friendships ~/ and lots of other intrests outside of the actual ~e lationshi p ...... d ~ 'noes having a relationship mean you neglect your friends? How do ( ~you/they r eact? The re again I've never been deep enough ~ invloved to know. I think I would find i t very difficult if not r/ 1,~, impossible to ignore my friends. My friends seem to express more v/~· & interest than I do myself in what is going on when I've got a ~ ~date with someone, and if I did start igno ring them then I don't ~\l'e'f,. think they'd let me get away wi th it for long. Also like the ~~-~. ~£.~ second woman I had s e x with. We went off together f or a few days ~u camping, and I j us t couldn 't cope with being wi th her and only \~ ~'\" her, all day and all night, even when it was just for a couple. of , . ~ days. It's·what my mum always told me, "ne ver lose your friends". - ~ ~--- .~t>' Was it i•portant for you to lose your virginity? Yes, t o r years fuo\ uc as a tee nager it seemed like a very big issue. I remember some lads at school asking me if I'd lost my virginity or not. For .us d\'3'\ some reason I couldn't take the easy way out and just tell a l ie ~¢ and say I wasn't a virgin, but then again I didn't wa nt to admitt to the fact that I was a virgin. So what happened was that I went for the half way house option and said, "sort of" , and they all :e\ - ~~ stared in disbelief and said , "well look, either you have or you ~'C\ M havn' t". I think at the time because I masturbated then I didn 't ~~-~.feel like I was a pure white virgin anymore but i didn't want to ~~'1\~·<1 ·be called a wanker. Of course I had to concede that I hadn.' t · o· a ctually had sex with anyone and the n shrivelled up in my own .\,.,n•"' ~ ~~ embarrassment. It a ll seems rather comical to me now. By the time ·~Ulos I did get r ound to having sex it somehow wasn't as big an issue. ~f.\)\61 I mean I was still as curious as hell about it, but I d i dn't see ~0 it as an earth-shattering event, and afterwards I didn't feel ·~· ,._·:...r..~~ particularly d ifferent in any way. Much the same as one day I 'm t'F-~.: ~ twenty five and then it's my birthday and I' m suddenly twe nty six -~. Oot: you know, and there' s no difference I think once you get pa st n~ ., twenty o r so, people stop asking you if you're a virgin or not, ~~~ though I am sure there are lots of virgin blokes over twe nty. ~'? an· ·~ u ·~Was your first sexual experience what you expected? No not IJJ.S ~ really I mean before we had intercourse it was really nice, · ~cos f or me it was also the first time I'd ever been in t he same 1 bed as a wom en . It was just really nice larking about a nd I ~didn't feel awkward or unrelaxed as I thought I might. I told her ~ · ( that I'd never had sox before and t hat made it better cos she was ~\ really understanding. As f or the actual intercourse itself, well tt.3U: ~i~ it was quite painful around the top of my penis , l ike my foreskin 10 t wasn't well enough stretched or something, and I came before she ., I) did and I mean, it wasn't awful or anything. I suppose after ten ~~ ~ years of thinking about it, it could never l ive up to my ~'1';\ , JO- ·,., expectations, and I think I just f e lt, well I really cpuldn' t see ~3) ~. what all the fuss over sex was abou~t~· -_;_======~:...-~ ~~dx3 ' Did the earth move? No i t all seemed a b~t anti-cl imatic Ol· ~~~ I; really, but I wasn't upset or anything, cos I reall y did enjoy ~Ilng just being in the same bed as someone else and wak ing up in the 1 ....A: morning next to them. 2 2 -======4Jf" llave you ever read porn? Yes and seen soft porn films at the cinema on about three occassions. 11/J. • • • • Does it turn you on? It used to when I thought it was a (air representation of women. I mean i'd get a hard on from looking at Mayfair or Playboy though I never really came across anything which would be classed as "hard porn". I suppose that was when I was fourteen, fifteen , sixteen. but as I got older it became less and less important as I became more i nterested in girls and I thought that porn is something you do when your fifteen, but basically i t' s harmless really. It was a number of years before it finally sunk in that women were not in the least bit like the way pornography depicted them . It was only when I was in my twenties that I started to become more politically minded and started to realise what was behind porn and even then it was only cos women I knew made it an issue and put it on the political agenda. I think it was only a fter reading things written by wo~en about potnography , that I realised it has a lot to answer for in terms of upholding the system whereby men exploit and dominate women. I remember rea ding an interview which t he feminist writer Gloria Steinhem did with "Linda Lovelace" a couple of years back, and it had a lasting i mpression on me. "Linda Lovelace" starred in a porn film in the seventies called "Deep Throat". I never saw t he film but I remember there was a l ot of stuff a bout it i n the tabloid press at the time and i t was commercially a big sucess showing at all the your average cinemas. Anyway I had this image of "Deep Throat" as a slightly risque porn film, which in the seventies caused a stir, but which i n t he eighties would probably shock no one. So I read the interview with interest, seeing a s the media seems very good at producing women wh o' ve been in porn mags or on page three or whatever, who will be interviewed in public t o d efend soft porn e.g. Samantha Fox to name but one. An~w ay "Linda Lovelace" (who had reverted to her proper name, wh1ch unfortunately I cannot remember ), told a different story. She told how she' d lived in mortal fear and was literally kept as a prisoner under guard by her viscious hus band d uri nq the making of that and subsequent films ! or a period of years. :J Testicublr cancer is the most spotted by self~.lamination. common fonn of cancer among which should be carried out 25 to 34 year old men. and by monthly. A guide tO the correct the oge of 4S. I on SOO men will method of eumonaoon is goven be affected. And yet, we rarely on the guode below. A change In hear about this. although once it the way lhe tCSies feel should os dtagnosed It is treatable woth alert lllC1l tO the need tO consu It a 100% success rate when treated GP. although many GPs are in ~ early stages It can be oJ!norant oflhis rype of c~r. 23 even after not speak out against reprisals. She told she was s exually abused concurrent to and during the til ming of "Deep Throat". She t old of how in some s cenes in that film the real brui s es on her body visible despite the heavy use of make up to h i de them. It was a shocki ng testament to the fact that behind the supposedly inviting smiles of women depicted in pornography, that there is o f ten calculated violent abuse of those wome n, perpetrated by men for their own pro fit. ADDENDUM : Fred reckons i've a voided the q uestion here , and rQnJ , l ooking bac k a t i t I tend to agree wi t h hi m. "DOES PORN TURN ME \'!(~ r ON?". I suppos e it depends on how we define being turned on and r ea1 what we think pornography is . For i ns tance I would call "Maytair" a soft porn mag. I havn't read one for a long t ime but if someone Igave me one a nd said look through that in yo ur own time and see if you get a har d on then I am s ure that I probably would do. Well I mi ght not get a ful l blown hard on but i'm sure i'd f eel t he blood cells moving and a s emi hard on. I can say this cos occassiona lly, for example, I l ook thro ugh the "Observer " colour magazine and sometimes I f eel t he same i f I give the fashi on pages or some of the advertising more than a casual glance. Argua bly i've been turned on by t he Observer/Mayfair and one could say t hat makes them pornograph ic. I mean it's just a momen tary feel i ng really a nd probably more to do with my i magination a nd s ome fantasy I create about being with the person in the picture, or wh atever, rather than the actual pictures thems elves . Basica lly it is a very s ha l l ow experience and for me has no meaning other than another fleeting daydream. which is not necessarily sexual. Maybe the criteria is that I don't have to rely on such images of women to be s exually stimulated . I mean it' s not like I NEED such imagery , and it' s a long time since c'< i i've taken a mag. to the toliet and had a wank whils t looking at the p ictur es. Maybe my feel i ng a l ittle turned on afte r l ooki ng at some picture or other is a combination of me be ing positively attracted by the thought of certai n types of women, - which I think for me is entirely natural-, and me be ing force - fed on a diet of wome n in film and print, mo re often than not, be ing depicted a sex objects , - which is not so natural, but i s still to an extent ingrained in my s ub- conscious - . Now i'll take it a step f urther. I see an erotic film on Channel Four. A woman a nd a bloke, n aked making love, real subtl photography, s o ft focus and all the rest. Maybe nine times out o f ten I will get a hard on. I might even think about i t if I have a wank in bed bef ore I go to sleep. The dictionary says: "por nography: obscene writings or pic tures i n tended to provoke sexual excitement" . Now I don 't know if whoever made t he film intend~d to provoke that reaction in me, but I would say that the dep i ct~on o! two people in bed enjoying themselves is NOT o bscen e, and thus I wou l dn' t call t he tilm pornographic. What I would call obscene is the depiction of women being hounded by ma niac s and rapi sts . 24 I mean there's loads of films where there's a scantily c lad woman being chased all over the place and often the camera follows the woman around and it's like we are watching her as if through the eyes of the rapist/maniac. And I find it !quite disturbing to watch. I didn't used to, but like I recently saw "Clockwork Orange" and the rape and violence in that really turned my stomach. I me an I still sat through and watched the whole film but some of the scenes in it are ... well, just very \ (~- •. disturbing. Arguably "Clockwork Orange" makes it so horrible that I you cannot help but be repulsed by what is happening on the lscreen, but lots of films don't. I think it is dangerous in reality to women that certain films foster the idea that it is . \1' acceptable f or men to violently pursue women as sexual prey. I / think having read what women have to say about violence against 1 thm and more importantly having talked with women who have t~~~ e suffered that violence made me see that as obscene, whereas :a· s·eE before I would have t'hought, "oh it's just a horror film, you ~ know". ~~-,~~ - ~--What is your ideal theoretical relationship? Well , just off the ~ cuff: where we could be happy being together for most of the time ~ that we were together, but also having the time and space to do ?/ our own things.Just for it to work basically and for each of us to grow from it rather than be submerged by it. Are you aiming for it or is it just fantasy? Well no I havn't / been aiming for it as such cos I only just thuoght of it. No, what I mean is that there is no plan or set of ground rules to follow f o r me to achieve a harmonious state of being with another F person. Like you cannot buy i t from the local supermarket. All I can do, and do do to an extent, is put myself in a position where I think I might enhance the chances of it happening. Basically for me this means instead of running away from women l ike I used to do, nowadays I try to talk to them. Th i s has actually brought me a lot of women friends and about that I a m glad. Still no nearer the ideal relationship of course , but I can 't complain. Now I would say t hat I think people fall for each other because they see enough of each other to develop a liking for each other. At first, if the feeling is mutual then it's all very up i n the air. I mean I don't think I've ever really been in a position . whereby, wh en we have both come back down to earth, that both of us wanted to carry on . I don't know to me it seems like I' ve never got past the first fence, so it really is hard f or me to comment about how I would go about aimi11g for an "ideal" rel ationship. Maybe " ideal" relationships are fantasy, but f rom what I can see of people around me , I don't think that good relationships are. ~ ~--:..;,. z 'Wr.""" ·>--(' .\ I ~ / _ _ ,.c.__ -~ ~ -~ W ril-·:;., oiQJ...ci!t".li:: "~= 1::: -~ ~ 4b !1: ~ Q) 1£1 ·~ ~~:·r-1 .tr.- ./ Do you feel sexually confident? but 'I despe:atel~ unconfident. I think if ~o,did I don't feel rela~ 1onsh1p with someone then I don't think g:~d into a long want1ng to h ave sex with that person but that . 1 rush into natural development of that relat' . h' 1t wou l d come as a be a ll sof t mu sic and total m . ~o~s 1P· I don't mean it would work it out ag1 c, ut that we'd work at it and one way or another · Like I said ' I 1'1ve 1n· hope. Is this th~ f i t t' l ife? rs .. l me you've ever talked openly about your sex ;. given ofN~t. but ~t s probably the most detailed account i' -:> provoking and · ~ ~ound the questions very inter esting and thoug~~ to speak. 1 ls good to see them on the agenda for bl k Well done for putt' th t' o es, so it. lng e lme, effort and thought into z5-~~-~~~ - S: ' ------26 ------,..., N • 0' ~ • ---- ·~'- -~.,.., -' ( ~ ...... * . ' ( x The ashes... •e--e . * ·• of love -~•- • • . ·I didn't realize there waJ a price to pay but your eyes downcast" and mine.'-." ~ ~ Z..~l~/ ; Q • So removed I whisper under my breath but you are . · · , '. watching see my lips move and gently respond I ·r· so removed and yet somelww (could it be all of 0 the de_ad ~owers we h~ve collected)... ~ .. ~ . · cY Yes, the price we pay _ ~ · \ ~ ~ 1- " I lay the wilted once-white splendidly aromatic ( '\tl now bare stemmed crumbling with those strange bugs (sort oforange and wiggly that I watch , / 1 \ < mesmerized as they oscillate their bodies and 0' ~ still move forward) lay those stalks (no, I . . , am no longer, once stalked now ... )~,- ' I lay the17! dow~- • • ~ ~ ,...7 - zna . · • chaotic clamor .. _ ~ .. e d ~ 'v yesterday screaming loudly in my mind. r- ~ ~ - \ J ___. I ~., r- ( ~ 1 1....,didn 't realize there was a price to pay. ~~ ~ / ~ or'_._/ -Lainie i>u ~ ~ \ , / ' . ~ ;;;::.. 6/121:; ;J J) J