Exploring the Our Experience of Merit and Blessings a Blessing: Friends When the Need Arises

Home , Buda (folklore), Kshanti, Merit (Buddhism)

Our Last CDL5 assignment compilation: Exploring the our experience of Merit and Blessings A blessing: friends when the need arises. A blessing: contentment with whatever there is. Merit at the ending of life is a blessing. A blessing: the abandoning of all suffering & stress. A blessing in the world: reverence to your mother. A blessing: reverence to your father as well. A blessing in the world: reverence to a contemplative. A blessing: reverence for a brahmin, too. A blessing into old age is virtue. A blessing: conviction established. A blessing: discernment attained. The non-doing of evil things is a blessing. — Dhammapada 331-333

Often in retreat, we recite the “Reflection on Sharing of Blessings”. It is a traditional form of dedicating the merit of our practice. For many personal and cultural contexts, the dedication of merit can be a form of devotional intention, chanting, ritual, or prayer. Whether one is predisposed to devotional practice, or is more disposed to secular practice, the invitation is to experience how merit supports the deepening of our spiritual path. “Merit” is often the translation of the Pali word puñña. Some have defined puñña “that which purifies and cleanses the mind” (http://www.bps.lk/olib/bl/bl038-p.html#T1) or the acts which purify our lives by cleansing the mind/heart from greed, hatred and delusion. The Buddha taught that this purification is cultivated by means of generous giving (dana), ethical behavior (sila), and spiritual development (bhavana). Thus, merit is the goodness that arises from our actions and practices towards Freedom. To acknowledge that, some traditional forms of the dharma use certain days of the month to focus practitioners’ activities to increase merit or goodness through deliberate intentional practice, and also to create a sense of community. These include Uposatha Days (Observance Days- full, no moon), Wesak, (remembrance of Buddha - full moon of May), Asalha Puja (remembrance of Dhamma - full moon of July). This will be the case within monastic communities as well. In the commentaries, there are ten ways of generating merit or actions towards freedom—generous giving, ethical conduct, contemplative meditation, mutual respect to other beings, helping and being of service to people around you, providing others an opportunity to make merit together, rejoicing at another's good deed, cultivating dhamma practice in oneself, sharing and teaching the dhamma with other beings, and finally, possession of wise discernment. For this month’s homework, we would like you to reflect upon the goodness of the development of your dharma leadership practice. How have you grown and evolved? What areas have you transformed and been transformed? This reflection is a form of sati, mindfulness—the ability to remember the goodness of our actions that lead to freedom. Discuss with your dharma partners and groups.

Your written homework for this month is to write a response to these questions:  What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL4?  What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL4?

1 WENDY R. EISNER CDL5 MARCH 2017 HOMEWORK.

1. What have I personally accomplished during my time in CDL?

I’ve given several day-long retreats, 3 five-week classes (in the Upper Peninsula in June 2016, in Ft. Wright, Kentucky in November, 2017, and in Covington, KY in February 2017. I offered a meditation class at the University of Cincinnati in January, 2017 and offered an invited dharma talk at the Cincinnati Dharma Center, Cincinnati, OH. This is all in addition to my regular sitting group offerings at Tri-State Dharma, Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. I think that being in CDL gave me a sense of more credibility as a “teacher” and I don’t underestimate the significance of that. I have a lot more self confidence in myself to communicate the Dharma.

As for what I learned (although that isn’t asked for, it may be implied in the question) I felt I got a great deal out of the emphasis on listening as a practice. I have incorporated some of the group interaction work we did on many of the offered topics.

Question 2: What we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

To pinpoint what has been accomplished is difficult, and remains to be seen as each one of us returns to the reality of everyday life. Then, perhaps, the individual choices we make will reflect the Dharma work we have done together.

APRIL CDL5 HOMEWORK- by AMY SELZER What I Have Personally Accomplished During My Time in CDL5

I can clearly remember our first retreat at Spirit Rock and how I felt in awe of all those in our community. As a group we were diverse in age, gender, sexual orientation, race, religion and ethnicity. I felt honored to be included among this committed and caring group and at the same time I felt that I didn’t belong. I was too old, not as smart as, not as articulate or fearless as I imagined everyone else was. What did help me in many of those first moments was something that Eugene said several times during that first week. “If you are thinking that you don’t belong here, you’re wrong!” I let that sink in each time I had the thought that I wasn’t good enough and I frequently returned to it. I figured that if Eugene thought I belonged there, maybe I did. At some point by the end of that first retreat, what I realized was that this was just doubt arising. No need to flee or suffer around that, just to see it and feel it directly. My pattern of comparing mind, of not good enough was once again arising and causing me suffering and confusion. I have been working with this over the course of our program in a deeper way than I had prior to being in the program. Around the same time, I began teaching at NYI in several sanghas as well as in the Brooklyn Sangha. Before that I was a practice leader, so this was a challenge for me. Fear reared its ugly head often during that time, but “I see you Mara” also arose and I began to question the truth of my thoughts, not believing them as readily as I used to. The teaching experiences have also given me the confidence to find my voice as a teacher

2 and learn what I can offer. Now I am speaking up more without fear wondering if others will accept or like the dharma talks that I share. I can speak the dharma to students without worrying whether they will approve of me and everything I bring to the teachings. After all, it’s not really about me. I am beginning to allow for the fact that not everyone will connect with my particular style and that’s ok. What I can bring to others is my kindness, skill, openness and knowledge. I’ve also examined my own White Privilege which was initiated in CDL5 and further explored in the program that was created by some of the students. I was in a study group for over 8 months where we explored our own bias and that of the institutions, culture and history we have grown up with. This has made a very big difference in how I view conditions, situations, institutions and people in our culture as well as having transformed many of the ideas I have about what needs to be reformed and changed in our society. I have seen many of the ideas that we explored become more mainstream over the last few years, and how much further we need to go. I can view my own white privilege and bias which arises, without taking it so personally and without buying into some of the thoughts and beliefs that still linger. I’m so grateful to have had this experience and even at the age of 71, I still have the ability to learn, grow and change as my path deepens and I bring what I have learned into the communities of which I am a part. Lastly, I now feel a part of our CDL5 community. Each retreat brought me closer to and more connected to many of the people in our group. I began to feel more comfortable reaching out to others and found that this amazing group is so open, loving and accepting. When something needs to happen, whether in our study group, for an individual or in the community as a whole, people step up and make it happen. My gratitude expands to the wisdom and skillfulness of our teachers and the structure of the program itself which guided me toward my edges. Because of that direction and my willingness to face the fears that came up, I am now able to experience more confidence and a sense of well-being.

What I feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5

The foremost accomplishment of CDL5 is the sense of community. Although many of us only saw one another at our retreats, each meeting brought us closer and a stronger sense of intimacy was cultivated. I think breaking us up into dyads, triads etc. enabled us to be with so many different people and quickly get to know one another on a fairly intimate level through the reflections and interactions we were asked to participate in. We also started the White Privilege group which initially did not include that many people. After the first 8 months or so, another iteration was formed and many more people became involved. We’ve also brought it into many of our communities in different forms and we continue to do so. The curriculum that was used in our program was offered to us as a teaching guide to be used outside of our community. Our New York contingent had been in touch several times, meeting in between the retreats. It’s been a good connection for us and I believe many of us will have on going contact to support and act as resources for each other after the program ends. I’ve seen how quickly, even a large community such as CDL5, can become close as we accept each other and work toward similar goals. I think one of the things that unites us is our

3 hope to connect, to be inclusive and make a difference in some way in our sanghas, in our institutions, in our social settings and in our families and in our society. The small changes that I am seeing through the active roles that many, including myself, are taking in their work, service, families and beyond, makes me feel that change is possible, even in the political climate that is so daunting now. In my sanghas where people are frustrated, scared, angry and fearful around the political climate, we come together to hold what is arising in the dharma. We are taking action in ways that each of us see as a possibility. We support each other and move towards skillful means to hold all that is present for us. This is what I have experienced in my larger CDL5 community. I see that we tend to gravitate toward certain people in the group, but we never exclude anyone. We have also come together to support people in our community who are in need. There have been several “gofundme” requests arising from the needs of some of the people in our community. Our practice of generosity and compassion has been obvious in the response to those needs. When someone is facing particular challenges or difficulties, our community has been there to support and benefit them. This is how we are practicing what it means to really be in it together! I am very moved by our willingness to be there for and our kindness toward each other. I think basically, we have each other’s backs. We have accomplished as a community that which we wish to accomplish in the work we are all doing outside of CDL5. We are graduating with the ability to make changes where we can, to be inclusive, open and bond in a way that is needed, in order to respond to whatever is before us, to engage, as well as we can in the dharma.

Julie Novas

1. What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? a. A daily mindfulness practice that is a conversation, a dance throughout the day, regardless of what I am doing; at least most of the time. b. Lifelong connections with dear hearts and souls traveling on the path. c. Completing a 9 month oral chemo treatment. Honoring the bodies wish to get off the meds; stopping them in September, when I was too ill to go to the Garrison retreat. My 6th month anniversary chemo free is on 3/24/17. d. Co-creating/leading bi-weekly Dharma en español in the South Bronx at Mother’s on the Move as of March 3rd, 2017. e. Scheduled to launch a QPOC Monthly sit in the South Bronx starting May 2017. f. Offered a mindfulness 2-part workshop series in February at Sarah Lawrence College, hosted by the diversity committee on campus. g. Being brought on as the newest Chaplain as part of Mindful NYU and the NYU Global Spiritual Life office. The chaplaincy duties officially start in the fall. h. Advocating at work for the youth clinician’s to be trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and it being granted. i. Completing the 6 month DBT intensive and being certified as such. Being part of a team of 10 clinicians who have launched the first LGBT DBT clinic in the US, possibly the world. For the youth, we now run a weekly DBT skills class and have

4 incorporated the modality into individual clinical work. (DBT is very similar to Buddhism and pulls directly from the teachings.) j. Teaching last fall at NYU & Hunter graduate schools of social work. In both courses each class started with a “mindful moment,” where the entire class and I would sit in meditation for up to 5 minutes at the start of each class. k. In April 2017: i. Offering a Monday night sit where we will explore the topic of Anger, as part of Mindful NYU. ii. Offering a half-day POC retreat and co-facilitating it with Booker as part of Mindful NYU. iii. Joining the Uptown Harlem NYI teaching team.

2. What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5? As a group I feel that we have accomplished our aspirations to become dharma leaders in our own right. Whether we choose to teach formally or lead with our presence; we have seen the journey through to its completion and this ending will lead to the next beginning. It is my greatest hope that any goodness that arises from our individual and collective practice(s), that it benefit all living beings.

Ronya Banks March, 2017 CDL Homework

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

Because of the expert CDL training sessions and CDL peer input, I have opened up to and grown immensely, both personally and professionally.

Within my the CDL5 peer group, I learned so much from the diversity and depth of so many different individuals. Here are just a few of the many benefits I gained from being in relationship with other leaders:  Varying dharma and meditation teachings and practices that enhanced my leadership capabilities.  I learned to open up to, hold, and gain in more wisdom from learning about other group’s pain and trauma caused by generations of racial, gender, sexual, and social inequities and discriminatory practices/attitudes in the West.  This openness to other groups’ pain has motivated me to be more engaged on a social and national level to support positive, equitable, societal and political change.  This open atmosphere gave me the permission and courage to open up to and begin of the healing process my own personal and generational trauma of being born and raised into a Palestinian-American, Muslim household.

5  Over and over again, I have learned to remain a beginner and that there is always more to learn and more growth/acceptance on the horizon.  Learn how to hold the pain of those who were speaking out, while simultaneously soothing my own internal pain reactions.  I learned a great deal from my White Privilege small group exercises and monthly connections.

I have personally gained so many benefits from the CDL5 Teachers, special presenters, and all of their presentations, including, but not limited to:  Relating to the planet and our environment from a responsible and reciprocal relationship.  Adapting different teaching practices to suit different learning styles.  Co-teaching strategies and their benefits.  Different ways to present the dharma.  Performing various Buddhist-related ceremonies.  The value of diversity in our sanghas.  Restorative justice processes and their benefits.  Clear communication.  How to deal with conflict.  & Much More

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

Initially, our CDL5 group operated somewhat as a microcosm of our prevailing Western culture, complete with divisive, rigid ideologies and unrealistic expectations. It is my perception that we moved from more of a divided and unconscious group mindset, to a more fluid, dynamic, respectful, and conscious collective mindset.

We all learned to breathe together and open to the many different truths occurring in the room at the same time, thus adding to the richness inherent in diverse cultures. We taught one another that love and respect are the foundation of healthy relationships as they also promote the continued uncovering growth process.

March 2017—CDL5 Homework Theme: Exploring the our experience of Merit and Blessings BY MARCUS MARQUES

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? 1. Ability to listen with full heart without judgement or critical thinking. 2. How to avoid to giving opinion after someone express their experiences. 3. How to get in deeply and direct contact with emotions and feelings that arise on inquiries with less identification – that is not me, that is not mine, that is not myself.

6 4. Expose the dharma in many different ways by: talking by heart; preparing a discourse by using similes, examples, stories; being mindful and embodied presence; doing spontaneously speaking; interacting with public; adapting the Buda’s words to local language; making important pauses; asking apologizes for my misunderstandings; and how to introduce myself to the audience. 5. How to deal with different cultures. 6. Make international friends – there’s no boundaries to kalyana-mittas. 7. How to introduce social issues in a Dharma communities program. 8. The power of generosity and virtue of American people and how hard is to teach that noble behavior into my country. 9. Organize myself to be more effective to learn and assimilate very different points of views. 10. Humbleness to accept my ignorance about many subjects of life and to be open to continue learn a little bit every day until the end of my life. 11. Avoid generalize people by culture, race, origin, sex. Every person is unique.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

1. It’s not necessary have the same culture to live in harmony and respect to each other. 2. Accept the differences to be accept as I am. 3. Changing is possible. Actually, changing is unavoidable. The point is what are we creating moment by moment? More suffering or more happiness? How are we choosing our destiny by mindfulness (or lack of it) toward our thoughts, acts and speaking? 4. The quality of a group depends on the quality of individuals. 5. Everyone has opinions, but the opinions are not the ultimate truth. 6. I’m not alone on the spiritual path. We can support each other. 7. There are many different ways to give dharma talks: nobody is better than anyone else. That’s a matter of how much energy and stamina does someone puts in his/her daily practice? How can someone accept his/her imperfections and use it as a start point to build happiness and stillness in his/her life? 8. How good is living in a safe container . 9. How to not split people on groups by creating artificial identification since all suffering come from assumption of “me”, “mine” and “myself” without mindfulness investigation. 10. Respect pain feelings of individuals.

7 Steve Wilhelm Final homework – CDL5 March 23, 2017

Two primary things have developed for me as an individual during the CDL5 program:

- I have taken the seat as a Buddhist teacher, in a way I never could have without the program. - I have deepened my understanding of dharma's embrace of all people, of the need for diversity, and of my own white privilege.

Taking the seat: Transmission of the dharma is necessary to share the dharma, a legacy that goes back 2,600 years. Long have I felt a calling to share the dharma, and I already was doing that. But without the support of community and teachers, without permission, this transmission had far less substance to it. For years I have depended on the Buddha and the suttas more than anything, for the sharing of the dharma. I found the time with CDL5 in alignment with this, connecting back to the roots of the dharma. In fact the CDL program has over time become a collective transmission, not just one teacher but a team linking what I can give to what the Buddha taught. This sense of empowerment, and the example of the teachers, has helped move my role from something personal to a broader sense of sharing the dharma. To be sure I sometimes feel nervous, or full of myself, but it's now far easier to look past that with a confident sense that I am sharing the essence of what the Buddha taught, with my own voice.

The beauty of diversity: Truly I did not expect that questions of diversity would be so much a part of CDL5, nor that they would stretch me so much. As one of the few older straight white guys, I found myself in an unexpected new world where many of the old rules no longer applied. This has been immensely enriching, and has helped me grow past areas where I was limited by conditioning in ways I did not know. I hope this will help me reach out to others, in more effective ways.

CDL5 as a group: I have watched us move toward honoring our differences, and each other, far more than I ever would have expected. While the group started out with the differences in relief, over time this was subsumed by the group, and what we agreed on. Over time I have become increasingly delighted by the quality of these people, watching their integrity, creativity and love of the dharma emerge to me. One of the key things I’ve learned from this is that the dharma has as many expressions as there are individuals, and can be heard in as many ways. While I'm functioning in the circle of Seattle Insight Meditation Society, at least to a degree, CDL5 as a group has taught me I don't have to worry about my expression of the dharma being like anyone else's. If I listen to others and what they need, my voice will be sufficient.

8 Reflection on Experience By Andrew Chapman

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

Wow! Where to begin?! To start, these past two years have been filled with the full range of dukkha, reactivity, awakening, and path. I entered into CDL5 with insecurities and curiosity. All of my feelings of abandonment and separateness were brought forward. I found myself relying on intellect and my conceptual ‘grasp’ of the dharma to attempt to find some belonging amidst my projections. We talked about projections; we shook up the bottle, and I watched my heart take the lead. I began a long road of inquiry into the internal systems of racism within my mind. I watched as I tried to be a ‘good’ ally, again relying on my ability to conceptualize and articulate ‘MY’ goodness; I watched the ‘self’ try to protect, and try its damnedest not to crack. I heard the pain of racism in my mind and in our stories, and over time, I have learned to become a better listener; to try to listen with heart. I experienced what it is like to bear witness to pain (internally, externally, and both) without as much of a need to figure out how to manage suffering, but instead, to try to understand suffering by sitting with it. In a lot of ways, I’m still here: without many answers, but with more curiosity, more heart, and subtle movements towards more action in service of the liberation of all beings. I’ve invested deeply into the Against the Stream Nashville Sangha. I have a better understanding of what it means to be a leader: at times, leading from the back, and at times, leading from the front. I am still learning patience and humility, which, on any given day, are the qualities at the edge of my personal practice. As the Buddha says, this dharma is “subtle, deep, hard to see, not confined by thought, and difficult to awaken to.” I’m learning to fail with more grace (trying to pull out Ruth King’s “I made a mistake” handout more often). Shortly after our first session, I entered into therapy. I’m learning how to feel through painful conditioning around relationships and loss: conditions that led me into the samsara of active addiction at age 14. I’m learning how to assert needs and to find productive ways of expressing frustration and anger. I’m learning to connect with my peers from recovery, CDL, and in the Sangha with more authenticity and openness. I have graduated with my Master’s in Social Work. I have maintained my own business for 2.5 years. I have housed people, I’ve supported people through sobriety, and I’ve learned more grace. I’m learning to include more into my path of practice, right now -- livelihood and money. I’m realizing that the identity that I construct today can become a prison in the future, and to keep my sights on what’s important as I come to better terms with the preciousness of life.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

We have grown. We brought our passion, our losses, our rage, our sadness, and our laughter into the room. We learned to care for each other and hold space. We’ve made mistakes, we have failed to hold people in ways that they’ve needed. We’ve seen people leave. Despite our

9 losses, we’ve been interested in ‘awakening’, we’ve felt regret and have brought our focus back to the intention of non-harming. We practiced ‘starting over’, many times. I have seen the dharma modeled in this group, in ways that I’ve never before experienced, and in ways that I have personally needed, dearly. I’ve heard people share intimate parts of themselves and take risks. I’ve seen confusion and doubt lose the battle with wisdom and compassion; I’ve witnessed the active role of the dharma, the practice of seeing clearly and responding wisely. As a whole, our individual strengths have excelled; we’ve pulled people in to do work in areas that were previously unchartered. We’ve helped one another build maps of dharma, sharing our landmarks of truths in places that others have never been. We’ve made a better map. If there was one word expressing our accomplishment, I think it would be courage: the willingness to show up, to speak up, and to not hold back…

“Courage is the most of all the virtues because without courage you cannot practice any other virtue consistently, you can be anything erratically: kind, true, generous, fair, merciful, just. Anything of those things occasionally, but to be that thing time after time, demands that you have courage.” – Maya Angelou

Punna – The Merit of Practice By Thomas Davis IV

CDL5 is a tremendous process of growing in community, self-realization, responsibility, accessing courage and finding my own voice within spaces that are not necessarily lined up to hear me talk LOL. I have lived without a conventional job for over 3 years, and that still scares me sometimes. During these past 2 years I have been supported in my livelihood by two Spiritual Communities: The Center for Transformative Change where I served as a House Manager for Rev. Angel Kyodo Williams, and presently for the past 16 months at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. These opportunities opened as I pursued the intention to align my Livelihood with my Spiritual Values. The values presented within the Dharma particularly through the Precepts provided the foundation for me to move forward with this intention.

November 2nd 2015, I was offered a position to live and work at Spirit Rock. My being a CDL5 student was a strong aspect of my desire to seek employment here. Since being here at Spirit Rock I have had the opportunity to really practice mindfulness, with a strong emphasis on Diversity and what it means to speak your experiential truth to those who are at various levels of “Consciousness and Unconsciousness.” I am reminded of a word of wisdom Ruth King shared with me, “We must be committed to the Relationship,” when working within multiracial diversity contexts.

March 2016, I was invited to Co-Lead a new Sitting Group in Richmond, CA. My CDL5 Colleague Ashley Sharp invited both Me and Mary Davis who is also a CDL5 Student. On March 23rd. 2016,

10 we held our first sitting session and I was honored to be the 1st to lead meditation and to give my 1st Dharma talk! I gave a talk on Kshanti the Pali word for Patience; and I shared some experiences based in my co-worker interactions at Spirit Rock  This coming week Insight Richmond will be celebrating its 1 year Anniversary and have presently 12-15 regularly in attendance. I can truly say that this opportunity was nowhere in my forecast.

July 2016 Offered my 1st EBMC Meditation and Dharma Talk ( Maha Sangha )

September 2016, I was began attending the Sati Center for Buddhist Studies Chaplaincy Training Program. This program would enable me to explore Spiritual Caregiving in the Buddhist Context, and from an InterSpiritual Context as well. The class is led by Gil Fronsdal, Paul Woeller and Jennifer Block, and we’re a class of 13 practitioners from various Buddhist Traditions. The class is predominantly White with myself being the sole person of color for this cohort. The relationships are warm and friendly. I am currently applying to be a Spiritual Caregiver Volunteer at Kaiser Oakland.

December 2016 – Offered my 1st Mediation and Dharma Talk at EBMC POC Sangha

Feb 27nd 2017 I was asked to participate as a Sr. Student to lead the Community Welcome at Spirit Rock. The Community Welcome has been in the works for over 10 years and serves to offer a landing point for 1st time Visitors / Meditators to Spirit Rock prior to the weekly Monday Night Meditation Class. The Director of Programs and myself welcome the visitors provide some basics about the mission of Spirit Rock and I would lead a 15 minute guided meditation followed by light Q&A. Participants would then go to the main hall for the Monday night class. Other Spirit Rock students participating are Dawn Scott and Andrew Chaikin. Punna – The Merit of Practice

April 22nd 2017 I will be beginning my 1st retreat in the DPP6 Program. This is has transpired as a result of answering the call to POC Dharma Leadership issued by Larry Yang at EBMC approximately 3 years ago, and being supported by so many the entire way, I am very grateful!

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5? As a Sangha, as a Community I feel that the CDL5 Cohort has faced its own challenges, and issues and has come to a place of workable resolution, wherein I feel we are all more inclined to commit to seeing that issues can be resolved. I see that CDL5 embodies more courage now. I witnessed and experienced some who had speak their truth through a trembling voice, some through tears, some through anger, some through song and poetry. As a whole, I feel that we have demonstrated as a microcosm of our world that we really can coexist in very diverse and authentic ways! My respect for the Teachers and how they held Fire while continuing to show up and continue again, the students holding each other even when we couldn’t truly identify with the experiences being discussed and explored. The ways we found to celebrate each other and collectively.

11 I am really grateful to have had this experience and look forward to building upon it in the days to come with the CDL5 Cohort and Teaching Faculty!

CDL HOME PRACTICE: March 2017 Margaret (Peg) Meyer “I am saying that a journey is called that because you cannot know what you will discover on the journey, what you will do, what you will find or what you find will do to you.” James Baldwin

Firstly, I would like to express the gratitude I feel to have been on this journey with the folks in the community dharma leaders program. It has been inspiring to be involved with my fellow classmates and step up to the issues of race and inclusivity. I have seen that the didactic understanding of the dharma which I had cultivated in programs prior to the CDL program has been complimented by the heart felt sense of knowing the dharma and its goodness. So I would say the program has nourished this heart and deepened a foundation in wisdom and compassion.

The program has enriched my teaching practice. While leading a weekly sitting group, I have been cultivating Gina Sharp’s opening advice to ‘teach from the inside out.’ I have been working with expressing the Dharma in my own words and through my own experience and storytelling thus increasing my confidence as a teacher. Over the past two years I have started a sitting group which is thriving. This past year I started an Eightfold Path Program for all of our sangha’s sitting groups(3) which has been investigating one factor of the path every month using Gil Fronsdal’s Eightfold Path. I have been teaching mindfulness to teens/teachers in a local high school and have also led a one day mindfulness retreat. The CDL core teaching and the support and assistance of the Dharma Consult Group has been invaluable.

I am especially grateful to my mentor, Taraniya for her guidance in heart related issues as well as her astute teaching of the Dharma. Her monthly guidance has been nourishing to me as a teacher. This past year, I was, as well, a participant in her 8 week course: Entering the Path, an online foundations course in early Buddhist study and practice which broadened my knowledge of the suttas.

I have benefited tremendously from participation in the White Privilege Program. This program helped me develop awareness around race and particularly whiteness and begin the process of deconstructing my white identity. I appreciate how this process is so intimately a part of the Dharma. The benefit to my heart wisdom has been one of understanding the words of Carl Jung: I’d rather be whole than good.

I am currently teaching a Racial Affinity Group for my sangha and continuing to investigate whiteness both personally and in my community. I am a member of a local Showing Up for Racial Justice group and through that group have been involved in creating community activities such as a weekly vigil and a Panel on Racism.

In conclusion, the CDL journey has in Joanna Macy’s words helped me to ‘see with new eyes’ internally and externally the Dharma. I am humbled and grateful for the nourishing and supportive relationships I have formed with the people in the sangha and the other teachers. I hope that I can be a small part of what Joanna Macy calls the self-healing of the world.

Sara Oakes

 What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?  What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5

My time in CDL these last couple years is interwoven with my journey of becoming a mother, which has truly been profound and life changing. Welcoming my son into this world, from pregnancy to birth to caring for him in the first year of life and now in his bright toddler self, has demanded every bit of my practice and faith in the Dharma. I can not hold on to the pleasure of his sweet tiny infant self, or the pleasures of our laughing and playing together, he is changing and growing faster than I can keep up with, reminding me daily of the teachings on Anatta, Anicca and Dukkha. I can not sum up into words all that I’m learning in this new identity of Mother, but I can say that the CDL program and Sangha has been a support for continuing my practice during this transformative time. And for this I’m grateful.

On a very practical level, I have gained some confidence in constructing, guiding and facilitating a mindfulness type class/series, thanks to the exercises during the program. I co led a Climate Change Support group/Book Club that our program helped give me the confidence to do. My partner and I have also started a small sitting group in our home that meets on the new moon of each month to take refuge and renew our precepts.

From the pockets of our group that I feel connected to, I’ve witnessed a lot of love and community building, some online organizing, support for each other in difficult times, and certainly some strong leadership and growth in the sharing of these teachings. I feel an immense gratitude to have participated and a lot of hopefulness as we come to a close and move forward in our Dharma leadership. May we live in Wise View and know our Refuge in an embodied and engaged life.

13 Brian Simmons CDL5 Homework March 27, 2017 CDL5 has radically transformed the intention of my practice. I used to practice for my own awakening. Now I practice for the awakening of others. This shift has resulted in a fearlessness and confidence to bring the practice to a very wide range of environments and people, including kids. This, paradoxically, has dramatically ignited my own awakening. As a group, I feel CDL5 has accomplished a path forward into many communities that would not otherwise have access to liberation teachings. Because of our collective work together, the Dharma is rolling faster and farther than it ever has before.

March Homework submitted by Priscilla Szneke

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

 Explored the depth of what I didn’t know that I didn’t know.

The white awareness work was a profound experience. It has opened my eyes in a way that has waken me up to what I considered as ok, which isn’t ok and it has had a ripple effect in that I now question the status quo in every other aspect of my life. I do not take anything as “normal”. There is no normal; there is only kind, true and inclusive. (The women of color were the ones that modeled this for me.)

 Stepping out into the world, rather than holding back. Due to my conditioning, I tend to not make myself seen. I am stepping out and at least claiming my space.

 Expanding my offerings, such as more workshops, programs, half-day retreats, both secular and non-secular. Through the CDL5 program I have cultivated a feeling of confidence that I can teach a variety of topics.

 Expanding my horizons by not limiting myself both by moving through limitations I created, but also those created by others. Rather than saying “Probably not.”, I now say “Why not?”

 Recognizing this is a process…. so celebrating accomplishments and looking at everything as a learning experience.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

 Connections, joy, acceptance, understanding, compassion, growth, clarity, love, unity, independence, understanding, skillful action and speech.

14 Victoria Cary CDL 5 March 2017 Homework

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? (How have you grown and evolved? What areas have you transformed and been transformed?) Since I’ve started I’ve softened around the idea of teaching the Dharma. I had some resistance around the idea when I first started and now I co-lead a weekly sitting group. I have more confidence around my capacity to support others on this path to awakening.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5? As a group I feel we have accomplished a number of things. First of all we have created a supportive community of practitioners that we can resource in our community leadership work. We have created actual resources though our homework like ideas for day longs. I feel like we have supported each other in waking up to and through some of those places/identities; which we may have not known needed development. I feel like we have supported each other in building confidence in our abilities as leaders. I feel like we have shared ideas about how to spread the Dharma.

Pauletta M. Chanco CDL 5 March 2017 homework

As far as what I have accomplished in CDL 5, I have developed better and more confident guided meditations. Also, I was able to develop how to teach important dhamma topics such as sila, the 4 Brahmaviharas, etc.

A greater understanding of what POC blacks have had to endure from past history and current racism through my white awareness group. Since I was not born and raised in this country, I was given the opportunity to learn about things like redlining, and the difference between overt and covert racism.

I’ve made deep connections with others through networking and having to work in dyads and triads over sensitive issues.

As a group, we have a greater understanding overall of POC issues and problems as well as those of White Allies’ increase in awareness of all of these things.

However, more importantly is what we did not accomplish which I had hoped to accomplish and that is to be able to have the courage to sit in the fire of White Awareness an POC dialogues. Instead there have been a lot of finger pointing and blame without actually trying to solve the issues raised about racism and lack of empathy and understanding of the two sides. At each retreat, lots of hurtful interactions have occurred between the two groups. Asian

15 Americans have been left out of the racist dialogue altogether which I have felt to be very unfair. These are my regrets.

Other than this, I do feel that as a group we accomplished how to be effective dhamma leaders for our communities.

Reflection on My Dharma Leadership Practice Kathy Simpson

This time of participating in the CDL5 program has been transformative for me. I credit the CDL5 with prompting me to extend myself in new ways with my sangha and beyond. Through this process of greater involvement and leadership, I have also deepened my study, practice and understanding of the dharma, and this in turn has inspired new enthusiasm for the teachings and brought new meaning and insight to my life on a personal level. My specific accomplishments during my time in CDL5 including the following:  I continue to coordinate and lead a sangha of eight committed women who meet in my home every other week.  I have begun giving dharma talks to my sangha on a regular basis. We continue to study the books of Buddhist teachers (mostly by monastics), but have paused between books for one or a series of dharma talk that I have offered on topics such as the precepts, sila/samadhi/panna, dukkha, vedana and the five aggregates.  I have led one full-day and two half-day retreats over the past two years, supported by members of my sangha who lead yoga or walks through the wonderful labyrinth that member has created in her expansive backyard. Sangha members as well as invited guests have attended these events. We have another full-day retreat coming up in May.  I have initiated a white privilege study group using the curriculum developed by members of CDL5. Six of us have been meeting on a monthly basis since January 2017. Those who are attending have remarked upon how transformative the studies and discussions have been.  I have been invited to teach at a nearby retreat center. I will be leading a four-week program on the Brahma-Viharas in the fall 2017 and a half-day workshop on a topic TBD in the winter 2018. For our group as a whole, I feel that we have come together after a difficult first retreat to a greater awareness and understanding of racism, discrimination and the things that divide us as humans and as Americans. Ruth King together with the white privilege curriculum developed by CDL5 members have been instrumental in helping us move through this process. As a group,

16 we’ve also established a support system that will be so valuable as we do our dharma work in the world.

CDL5 March 2017 Homework Submitted by Bob Agoglia

Personal Accomplishments I can identify five personal accomplishments arising out of my participation in CDL5. I have written about each of these in previous assignments. 1. I have initiated and facilitate two sitting groups. I believe this reflects greater ease and confidence in my ability to support others in their meditation practice. 2. I have become more able to skillfully engage in sensitive conversations in my consulting practice with dharma organizations. 3. I have deepened my understanding of white male identity and privilege. As a result, I am more able and willing to engage with other white people about these realities, and am more patient with those who are resistant or less aware of their privilege. 4. I am less fearful about talking with people of different racial, gender, and sexual orientation identities about their experiences and mine. I have long understood that a source of my fear was not wanting to offend or harm someone as a result of my ignorance. But in addition, I now understand that the fear also stems from being ashamed of my ignorance. 5. I am better able to link the Buddha’s teachings and meditation practice to uprooting the causes and conditions of my own racism, and conscious and unconscious biases. I am also committed to partnering with others to do the same in our western sangha.

Whole Group Accomplishments 1. I feel that our group has become a sangha of spiritual friends. I say this because my experiences within various sub groups is that trust has grown such that we’ve been able to be vulnerable with one another, support each other, and ask probing questions that promote further exploration of views. 2. Our group’s diversity across many identities has resulted in a rich, vibrant, and exciting learning environment. I often find myself in awe at the courage people have shown in sharing their experiences and views and grateful for what they offered. 3. I sense a growing confidence in our power as a group to influence the culture of our western sangha and its institutions. An example were the actions taken surrounding the teacher training program. 4. The White Awareness Insight program had a high participation rate among white participants and I feel it is supported by the people of color in our group (it was inspired by people of color in our group during the first retreat). Even though this program is not a cross-race conversation, it has contributed to greater ease within the whole group.

Ian Challis

I appreciate these questions and the opportunity to go beyond the pages of my journal and the ears of loved ones to express “out loud” to the CDL5 community the ways that I have grown and changed over the last two years.

When I started the program two years ago, I had never offered a dharma talk – I wasn’t even sure I could. Within dharma groups, I had only worked as an organizer and a group facilitator. The encouragement of the assignments, teachings, my mentor, my friends in CDL and the real- time experience of beginning to verbalize my understanding of the dharma, led to offering teachings in my communities. Over the last year I have started regularly offering dharma talks to my sangha (Insight Community of the Desert), and have been invited to be a regular teacher; I’ve offered daylong retreats and taught my first Meditation Class series, (and even been asked to repeat a dharma talk at the local Unitarian Universalist church).

I still may not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know what I want to do. My practice, the experience of CDL, and the encouragement of friends and mentors has transformed my goals from “get through life with the least amount of pain and the greatest amount of pleasure” to an aspiration to simply be of benefit in whatever way I can. There is also a quiet confidence arising from this experience that I can remember and feel which helps to deal with doubt and the inner critic. What a joy that something so personally enriching as deepening my practice, learning, and sharing has the potential to benefit others!

Over the two years a real relationship has developed to my own unconscious racism. I didn’t realize how removed my life circumstances allowed me to be from the struggles of people directly experiencing the effects of racism. I had no real awareness (despite some reading, lectures and workshops prior to CDL) of the extent of my privilege, the depth of my unconscious racism, and the necessity of working with this as a practice. I can say only because of CDL and the retreat “Exploring the Energies of our Hearts,” (an intentionally diverse retreat given at Joshua Tree immediately after our first CDL retreat, which included powerful talks by Larry, Ruth King, and Thanissara ) -- only because of these experiences was my heart stirred and reached in a way that no amount of reading or reasoning could ever do. Of course this work is not “done”, but my relationship to unlearning/undoing racism has gone from surface/optional to an awareness that this is essential lifelong dharma practice.

As a group, I feel that we held each other with patience and kindness as we each worked with our own wounds, delusions, joys, and triumphs. Many times I felt that I was held by the love in the group, expressed through individuals – and many times I felt the joy in being able to hold others. My personal tendencies toward being a “solitary practitioner” aside, wisdom (head and heart) allows me to see the beauty of the support and love of the whole arising through individual expression. All that to say: I feel that the love in this group transcended the individual, yet included all.

The intention that arose from the very first retreat – because of the teachings, because of the beautiful and rare diversity of our group, because of the lived experience and wisdom of both

18 POC and non-POC – to be the first cohort in which white people did our work (or started to do it) and did so pro-actively is something that I am proud of and heartened by. I am grateful to our teachers, the encouragement and support of POC within our cohort, the White Awake curriculum and organizers. I hope that our experience will inform future iterations of CDL training so that the delusion of racism becomes more and more seen and met.

Bill Scheinman – response to CDL questions, March 2017

Your written homework for this month is to write a response to these questions:  What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?  What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

My experience of CDL 5 during the two years beginning in April 2015 dovetailed rather neatly with my teaching of secularized mindfulness classes in corporate settings. One of the main reasons that I was keen on participating in the CDL was, of course, to deepen my practice as a dharma teacher. Another reason is that my livelihood in recent years had skewed almost exclusively to teaching non-sectarian forms of mindfulness and it was my belief that the CDL program would keep me grounded in the Buddha Dharma so that I would not lose the dharma context underpinning my secular teaching, something I feared could happen.

What actually happened in these two years is a bit more complicated.

I started my dharma teaching in 2001 as a volunteer at the San Francisco County jail, teaching yoga and meditation to men in a violence-prevention program. Why did I do this? My volunteer work at jail arose out of a desire to bring my dharma practice into the realm of activism and social justice. Those are my roots as a teacher. The dharma had given me so much, had relieved so much of my own suffering and ignorance, that I felt a solemn sense of duty to give back this gift in any way I could. It also felt as though, by being socially engaged, I was in some small way following in the footsteps of my father’s social justice activism.

I started a mindfulness business in 2007 and began teaching non-Buddhist forms of mindfulness. Over the years as I have strived to make a viable livelihood of this wonderful work, I think I lost some grounding in the dharma and the social justice implications of teaching the dharma in the world. I became somewhat unconscious about the broader systemic suffering in the US, becoming more preoccupied with how I would make next month’s rent and market myself than with why I was even doing the work.

As mentioned above, I expected to get a great deal out of the CDL around teaching techniques and methods – but what I got instead was a wake-up call around how unconscious I had become around issues of race, whiteness, my own privilege and the systemic inequities in our country, an awareness which at earlier times in my life was much stronger.

19 So for me what’s been great about the CDL program is that I have become reawakened as to the reason why I ever wanted to share the dharma in the first place – to help relieve suffering by making what is unconscious conscious, and to bring more justice to the world. One of the most important things I’ve reflected on is that being awake is a process, it isn’t an event. One can lose awakeness and backslide into unconsciousness very easily (I certainly did). Which means that one should never take being awake for granted. Being awake is something that you have to keep working at. Always. I will not forget this.

During the same time that I was awakening from a long slumber around race and privilege and rediscovering my social justice roots, I dove in to my work as a corporate mindfulness facilitator. After striving to achieve a livelihood by teaching mindfulness for the last 10 years it seemed like I was finally about to achieve that dream in highly paid corporate gigs. But the last two years of doing corporate work have been filled with many of ups and downs. To my dismay, I have seen people given the title of “mindfulness thought leader” who had never been on a silent retreat. I discovered that what was most precious in my own dharma experience was something that was not valued, needed, or respected. And while there have been some financial rewards as well, a lot of what I’ve experienced in the corporate mindfulness realm has been bruising and deeply discouraging. When mindfulness is taught without its ethical underpinnings, it risks becoming merely a utilitarian form of mental training without integrity.

I feel as though my dharma heart has been reawakened during these two years in the CDL. And I also feel greater clarity about my intention for being any kind of dharma teacher at all, whether of the Buddhist or secular kind. That intention is quite simple: to be of service in the task of relieving suffering. Going forward, I am not sure how I’ll be expressing the dharma. Perhaps teaching will be a part of it, perhaps not. I am not attached to being a “community dharma leader.” I am attached to being of service.

I think as a community of dharma practitioners/teachers/community leaders we’ve bounced off each other in ways that have led to more consciousness, integrity, and creativity for all of us. At the start of the program, I felt that whatever I was doing as a teacher was “the right way” to do things. I think perhaps what we’ve discovered as a group is that there are an infinite number of ways of “doing it right.”

Warmly, Bill Scheinman 3.31.2017

20 Theme: Exploring the our experience of Merit and Blessings CDL5 March 2017 Homework By: Imee Contreras

• What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

I have often felt alone holding space for Philippine Insight Meditation Community. Although, I still feel this way at times, I am more committed to keep our sitting group and dharma studies going whether or not I have the support that I am looking for. I have been very consistently showing up for the our bi-weekly meetings. I no longer require to know if people plan to show up before I confirm that we’re going ahead with our schedule. I show up. It doesn’t matter if I meditate alone, with one other practitioner, or with a group of ten. I simply show up.

I am more confident in my teachings as well as creating programs for dharma talks, daylongs, and weekend retreats. I organised a three-day silent retreat that I co- taught with Carol Cano and Robin Velasco. From the planning to arranging the venue and meals, doing the administrative work and bookkeeping, plus managing the retreat while co-teaching, everything went really well.

I feel like the work I am doing is helping to bring more awareness about Mindfulness to the people in our country. I envision the momentum continues and that our community will grow and thrive.

• What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

We have built a sangha, even an extended family through CDL5. The bond that we’ve created together is very strong. Even though it started off pretty rough for me, I feel that we have matured together as a group and have come to a place of acceptance and love for each other.

I wish I wasn’t so far away. I hope that this connection continues and we have more opportunities to work and learn together.

Allison Shore Reflections on CDL5

(Please note, I have been having a wicked flare up of arm pain for some time now, so I am keeping this brief and bulleted. Thanks for your understanding. It is good practice for me to allow myself some latitude and space from my perfectionist tendencies!)

Personal accomplishments

 Reawakened passion and commitment to social justice and service for all beings

 Took deeper refuge in sangha - forging new, heart connections with others in the program

 Through support of CDL5 sangha, have begun the process of taking the seat as dharma teacher (named as such) rather than secular mindfulness teacher which is what had done in past. Am now teaching as part of teaching team for the Every Body, Every Mind sangha at EBMC, which is a true privilege

 Re-examined and have taken on practice of continual reflection on white privilege and other privileges and blind spots

 Through sangha, discovered and now starting to participate in disability justice and intersectional activism

 Through mentorship and community / dharma consult group, increasing teaching and leading competencies overall

 Have gained clarity around what I am most passionate about in terms of teaching at this time – feeling pulled right now especially to do more chaplaincy/ one-on- one and small group work rather than leading sitting groups, but this may change. Especially keen to start chaplaincy/ spiritual caregiving within and for sanghas - modeled on IMC Redwood City’s Chaplaincy Council

Group Accomplishments

 Deep engagement with how power is held in our lineage, and challenging of that power when necessary (so much gratitude for my fellow CDLers who have been truly amazing on this front)

 Development and refinement of whiteness curriculum (again, deep bows of gratitude)

 Eco-satva (sp) training

 It seems people are doing amazing and inspiring work and sowing dharma seeds like mad in programs in their home communities – all over the US and abroad, in a range of settings and using a diversity of modalities

 Created some (I hope) lasting peer support relationships

22 Jacqueline Nelson April 1, 2017 CDL5 “Exploring my experience of Merit and Blessings”

“There is only one way to approach The Great Mystery. We must give up on the whole idea of doing. The compulsive search for explanations and reasons must end, for it is always linked with a desire to do something, to have something, to make something happen, when what is called for is humility, reverence, and unconditional self-surrender.” ~~C. W. Huntington, Jr. Blessings Through this program I have a gained a deeper understanding of the multi-faceted, brilliant, and limitless ways the Dharma shows up in life. The Dharma is everywhere and in everyone. It shines forth from each out into the world through diverse languages, styles and forms. Endless are the ways the Dharma is revealed.

Recently, I had to be fingerprinted for my work. It is incredible to think that each human being on planet earth has their very own unique fingerprints. No two prints are alike…WOW!! I stood there awestruck with this insight into the vast nature of the Dharma, that the Dharma is shared and received in as many ways as there are fingerprints, distinct and special to each individual. This was inspiring for me! The insight allowed me to let go a bit more and trust the organic unfolding nature of the Dharma in my life…

During this course I have come to see my own Dharma, the Dharma that inspires and transforms my heart~mind. I have watched it open, bloom and shine forth in various ways. I have witnessed my inner critic and feelings of unease arrive, stay for a bit, and then fall away in moments of fear and vulnerability. The experience of collaborating, working within group dynamics, developing dharma talks, coming to my edge of don’t know mind while trusting I can expand wider and further than imagined have all been liberating. Staying as true to my intentions as possible: remaining open and having a “beginners mind”, sensing when I am closing down, fostering my practices, and continuing to cultivate deeper wisdom and compassion have all been a part of this journey.

Merit Maybe it is the merit gained through practice and sharing that I am still blessed to be on this path. Maybe it is the merit gained that continues to inspire me to learn, grow and deepen into my own awakening. One of my accomplishments is finishing CDL5 and bringing forth what I have learned to help others within my local sitting group.

As a group I feel we stayed the course through the good, the bad and the ugly. We trusted the unfolding of the Dharma and Sangha. We walked into the fire, stayed in the fire, and came out of the fire more whole and unified. Not all of it felt like fire… Some of it felt like swimming in a vast ocean of pure sweet Dharma surrounded by support and love. As a group, I feel like we collectively found our own unique Dharma and in a myriad of ways will bring forth deep healing to this troubled world.

23 “What is important is to remember that the miracle of the ordinary is as close as the cedar tree in our backyard and the stones in our driveway—if only we can learn to let go, even for a moment, of our obsession with doing, with making things happen, controlling, explaining, manipulating, thinking.” ~ ~C. W. Huntington, Jr.

CDL5 Homework March 2017 Janka Livoncova

1. What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL?

- I have noticed that the faith in the three jewels has greatly increased. - My love and deep appreciation for the Dhamma has grown which shows in my formal practice, daily life and teaching. - I have stepped more fully into the role of a dharma leader. I have noticed that there is less identification with worry and doubt and more confidence, ease and joy in the way I offer the teachings. - My ability to covey the teachings with more clarity has increased. - I have benefited very much from the mentorship aspect of this program. Through the skillful guidance of my mentor, I felt very supported and nourished by the CDL program. - I have gained more insight into the impersonal nature of Dukkha.

2. What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

- We have created sangha that is quite diverse. - We have created sangha that is very supportive and inclusive. - We have included and begun exploring issues (and the suffering associated with it) that can be easily bypassed in spiritual and dharma practice, such as social, racial and gender inequality, trauma and spiritual bypassing. - We have gained insights into the collective Dukkha.

I am deeply grateful to all of you teachers for your practice, compassion, interest, humility and generosity in which you offered and facilitated this program. I have benefited greatly from it. Thank you.

24 I have realized over the course of the CDL5 program that I have what, in Christian terms, would be called a ‘vocation’. I understand that to mean a palpable sense of the dharma moving in my heart and in my life, and a strong calling to let the dharma shine forth in words and actions. It feels, to my great surprise, like a ministry. I’m watching with joy as that unfolds.

Part of the pleasure of this program for me has been coming to see what began as a group of somewhat scary strangers become a familiar group with many known and dear faces. So, upon reflection, that is our accomplishment that has meant the most to me: that as a group we stepped, again and again, out of separation into trust and connection.

Carolyn Kelley March 31, 2017

Yong Oh CDL Final Homework / March 2017

1. What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

As I reflect on my time in CDL5, I'm finding it difficult to frame my experiences in terms of the word 'accomplishment'. Accomplishment suggests completion or conclusion; rather, opening, seeking, deepening, revealing, provoking, risking, retreating, renewing are words that more aptly capture my sense of these past two years. Whether honestly reexamining aspects of myself (identity, painful conditioning, blind spots, beliefs/stories), or deepening an inquiry into my relationship with dharma and practice, or looking closely at what sangha really means to me, I feel I'm still watering seeds planted throughout this training and tending to seedlings that have only recently emerged. And I have received so many gifts along the way: - A broadening of my 'dharma world', seeing some of the amazing ways in which people are sharing, experiencing, interpreting, and offering teachings on the dharma. - A deepening recognition of the importance of Sangha - opening my eyes, in many ways, towards understanding just how important community is on this path. - Inspiration to reconnect with an exploration of my racial and cultural identity, but now through the lens of dharma and furthered by new perspectives from the material covered in CDL.

2. What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

As a group, it feels like a really safe and sturdy space was created, which allowed us to explore and hold a range of beautiful, challenging, and instructive subjects. There was genuine respect and love for the teachers and the teachings (despite occasions that weren't always pleasant or uncomplicated), and the group as a whole felt energized, curious and hungry for whatever we were working with - dharma, race, identity, class, gender, sex, community - we came together to form an amazing sangha, one in which I am so honored and grateful to be a part of - a real jewel.

CDL5 Final Assignment - from Suzanne Colón

Your written homework for this month is to write a response to these questions:  What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

As a result of the work of CDL, I have moved from a place where I often wondered: “Am I worthy, Why Me?” to a sense of “I am worthy enough. Why Not Me?” I’ve let go of nervousness that I will muddy the dharma as it comes through me. I have built some trust that I can be a clear enough lens for the teachings to move through. Not perfectly clear, but clear enough, and I’ve set that kettle of self-doubt aside.

I absorbed new methods of teaching, realizing that retreat-derived teaching modes (not interacting and 50-minute dharma talks) do not best serve a local sangha meeting. This may be obvious, but my local group has been led for 8 years by someone who was doing his best but missed the memo. We’ve had nothing but the “back-of the-head sangha” - top-down, talk-for- 40-minutes-straight “masculine” mode. Drawing from the experiences in CDL, I have the confidence to offer our group a new kind of experience. After leading the sit, I offer a sangha evening that includes 10-15 minutes of teaching followed by Q and A, experiential exercise, sharing in groups or as a whole, with at least 15 minutes for interaction, discussion, and bringing other voices into the room. This feels really good and many in the community are starting to feel and appreciate the difference.

From my CDL mentor, I’ve learned to cut my “talk” by half and save half for the responses to the Q and A. And then to be willing to LET GO of some of that material if the discussion doesn’t go that way, and respond instead to where the room goes. I’ve come to see that it’s less important that I fit in the stuff that yesterday I thought was important to fit in, and more important that I respond to what’s coming up from the group and move with the flow of the evening.

I’ve had to develop more confidence, trust, tolerance of messiness and lack of control to lead this way. It’s scarier! But through CDL, I’ve come to see that it better serves the experience of the group, and me too in the end. People don’t come for information (only) they come to connect, be inspired, be moved- to have an experience of the dharma. And the more actively I invite that, make space for that, the richer and more satisfying better the evenings go.

I’ve learned that what I say is less important than who I am in the seat. Can I ground in connected, compassionate presence, be open and not-know what will really happen? Can I trust the dharma to move through me? It’s like a leap off a cliff every time. I pray that the winds of the dharma will carry me and I’ll land somewhere safe and sound with no harm done.

I pray for guidance, which feels both supportive and appropriate. Sometimes at home, and always before leading sangha, I say phrases to myself, like:

May I ground in the moment, stay connected in presence May I trust the flow, and offer what’s truly needed May I be guided and supported by the Buddhas and ancestors May I be an agent of healing, May I be a conduit for wisdom and compassion to flower.

The last “accomplishment” - which is not an accomplishment, but a gift – has been receiving a “we’ve got your back” message from unseen supporters. Whether they actually be the Buddha’s and ancestors I can’t really know, but I’ve come to trust that the dharma, my teachers, the great sangha of souls who have walked this path do indeed have my back.

For this I am profoundly, inexpressibly grateful.

It has been a privilege, an honor and a hugely empowering growth experience to be a part of this CDL. Thank you. On my knees, thank you.

 What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

We have nurtured this type of growth (all of the above) in each other. Amen to that.

But equally important, we have made considerable, conscious effort to be come a community that truly really feels safe and inclusive for everyone. Given our cultural conditioning and our collective history, this took work, courage and truth telling to do.

I acutely felt the group’s fragility around race in retreat #1. As I white person, I heard the message from the POCs that we need to earn their trust by “getting a clue.” I welcomed the opportunity to learn, read, feel uncomfortable, and self-assess with other whites in the group. At first, I was doing it to create a good space in CDL for the POCs, for “them.” But I soon began to feel a deep relaxation of a stress and schism that I didn’t know I’d been carrying. The more I explored the issues of race and inclusivity, the felt more whole and integrated within my own being I felt. I realized that this work around race is not for “them,” but for me, and for the whole, of which I am a part.

What we’ve have “accomplished as a group” is to form an inclusive community – which is NO SMALL THING. This work is not finished, not perfect, and has uneven spots. I sense that there is more to do than can fit within the timeline of CDL, and I have some grief about that - we will see where it ends up on April 29th.

No matter where it ends up, it’s profoundly important that we endeavored to do it, to include all voices, to bring conscious the ways in which we might unconsciously exclude or diminish. Collectively, we made an unspoken agreement to cherish each other as best we can and to privilege inclusivity at the expense of whatever other privilege might be available.

27 Last fall in Garrison, Nancy Napier commended our community for doing the work to dissolve barriers, heal cultural conditioning and create a whole that includes all parts. She suggested that we are a template for healing in this culture - a statement that caught my breath. If it is so, I’m grateful to have been a part of it. I’m grateful regardless, for the healing it has brought me. And May it be so, May it be so. Suzanne Colón March 31, 2017

MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS, OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS: A BRAIDING By Kitty Costello

Two of the biggest transformations and accomplishments of CDL 5 are: 1) We delved deeply into how we all have been harmed by misuse of power and privilege. We looked together at the truth of this suffering, and we helped to liberate each other from some of that harm. 2) Because we got clearer and freer about power, we became more willing and able to use our own individual power for the good. Together, we got wiser and we got braver. Another key accomplishment: alliance. Alliance with Mother Earth, with people of color, with women, with immigrants, etc. And allies for each other, often reaching across barriers in ways we’ve never experienced before. Plenty left to heal! but we’re on our way. We are all more able now to help relieve the suffering of division in our world. We got to witness and learn from an amazing range of stellar teachers and teachings. With that plus the teachers’ intentional transparency, we received a powerful transmission for how to do this teaching thing in a wise, kind, and ethical way. I can’t praise enough two of the extra-curricular offerings – the Ecosattva Training and the White Allies Training. Both catalyzed tectonic shifts in our group and in me. The White Allies Training (full prostration bows to Bob, Crystal, Janusz, Kristin, Dawn and Max) was such enlightening and healing work. This coming together of white people to cure ourselves of ignorance about white privilege—it is doing its alchemy at a deeper level than I’ve experienced before, and it’s had a palpable impact on our community during retreats. The people of color gathered together as well, and though I wasn’t privy to the details, their collective support was palpable in powerful ways during hard moments in the larger group. I feel so proud of our

28 community for this pioneering work. May the healing and bridging continue until all the twisted karma is healed. Participating in the EcoSattva Training (thank you, Kristen, Thanissara and all!) and being with Joanna Macy during our first CDL gathering, I had a powerful insight about my own emerging role in helping people deal with the stressful realities and responsibilities of our times. I got to experience what it’s like to absorb difficult truths in digestible bits, with mindfulness, keeping our eyes and hearts open while regulating overwhelm. And how to take stock of my own role in the dire state of our planet, making choices and vows in a compassionate, non-judging way. Connecting in breakout groups with environmental lawyers, scientists and front-line activists, I realized this: I have none of the legal or science skills needed to protect the earth, and I can’t be a frontline activist because I’m too old to run away from trouble anymore. But what I can do is to offer the skills I’ve honed as a psychotherapist, a martial arts teacher, and now as a dharma teacher. I can help lawyers, scientists, activists, etc. learn to pause in the midst of struggle to feel their own hearts, to calm their nervous systems, and to find ways to make their work more self-compassionate and sustainable through self-care and reflection. And I can help people who are having a hard time facing these tough realities to turn towards them in manageable ways. While I was busy considering ways to offer these teachings, there was that terrible rupture of the universe that happened on November 8. That is giving us all deeeeep ongoing practice in all of the above. Everything I learned about my emerging role in climate change became instantly applicable to the even bigger mess we find ourselves in now. All the teachings on racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, etc. are more obvious than ever, each time I turn on the news. Plus the new regime adds extra urgency for addressing wise speech, truth, anger, nonviolence, etc. So I’m giving talks and planning classes and daylongs that can support activists and allies. I’m so grateful and inspired by my fellow CDLers who have already launched wise programs and teachings in response. What powerful accomplishments! I’ll be picking your brains. A few other CDL highlights – Many of us learned beautiful chants from each other and sang together. May the music continue. We moved and danced together. May the dancing continue.

29 And a lot of us had a blast marching together in the 2016 Pride Parade in San Francisco with Larry Yang and Fresh! White serving as Grand Marshalls. May the Pride continue. I gotta say, one unfortunate thing our group accomplished was to lose half of the international participants – Michael from Holland, Susan and Katrin from South Africa, Robin from the Phillipines. This deserves more consideration. Deep bows to Valentin, Imee, Marcus and Neiva for hanging in there. Another personal accomplishment – when my engagement in CDL catalyzed an upheaval in my marriage, my husband and I attended an 8-week non-violent communication class. What a helpful set of skills for cultivating empathy and wise speech! I accomplished getting through the program without abandoning either my marriage or my dharma path.

Here are some new leadership and teaching roles I took on during these two years:

o I led a monthly women’s meditation and writing group at Faithful Fools in the inner- city Tenderloin district of San Francisco. Writing prompts include in-the-moment awareness of body, thought, emotion, sound, plus writings about gender, family, immigration, home, work, sexual identity, death, etc. We gave a group reading at the Main Library in December, 2015. o I led meditations and gave successive talks on the 4 Foundations of Mindfulness to a small group of fellow students and teachers at the Shaolin Temple Institute in San Francisco, where I have practiced and taught a Buddhist martial arts form since 1978. o I co-taught two women’s self-defense daylongs, incorporating meditation, mindfulness of emotion, and reflections on fear, anger, prowess, legitimate self- defense and non-violence. o I taught daily chi gung sessions on two residential retreats, at Santa Sabina and Spirit Rock. o Last September, my tai chi teacher moved out of town and passed the torch to me. Since then I have been bringing dharma concepts more directly into our tai chi

30 classes, incorporating mindfulness, metta, the 4 elements, the heavenly messengers, dedicating merit, etc. o For more than a decade I have been a supporting teacher at the Shaolin Kung Fu Academy in Tucson, AZ. I recently shepherded the students and emerging teachers through the process of losing their founding teacher (a lifelong friend and colleague of mine) who moved out of the country. During a series of visits, I led 2 half-day retreats, taught the 4 foundations in both stillness and motion, taught about impermanence and the miracle of transmission, led a graduation ritual for the emerging teachers in the community, and on the eve of the presidential inauguration, I taught about the precepts, self-defense and non-violence. I offer interviews with the new teachers as needed. o I co-taught my first 5-week beginning meditation class and daylong at San Francisco Insight in January-February, 2017.

I’ve taught in a lot of secular and hybrid situations over the years. Teaching the dharma in the dharma community has caused a shift in all my teaching. I rarely talk about meditation or mindfulness separate from the dharma any more. I find myself spontaneously situating meditation within a bigger view that includes essentials like the precepts, the 4 noble truths, the heavenly messengers, the brahma viharas. After all the study and sharing in CDL, I identified some key themes that draw me, and I am gathering materials for talks and classes. Themes include creativity, big emotions, dreams, violence/nonviolence, writing/literacy, trauma, work, practice in life, all aspects of the 1st foundation of mindfulness, and mindfulness of seeing. I sometimes feel a joyful sense that every experience can be harnessed into a dharma offering, and my own life is a ripe field ready for harvesting. I spend so much more time lately studying history and current news, and it all feels like grist for the teaching mill. It’s all about seeking for truth, understanding causes and conditions, wanting to alleviate suffering. I am experiencing happy anticipation thinking about our upcoming gathering, as well as a wistful feeling about the program ending. May the blessings of our accomplishments,

31 individually and as a group, continue to nourish us all, long into the future. May blessings radiate out far and wide into this dear world so in need of our love.

CARRIE MARIA TAMBURO

WHAT HAVE YOU PERSONALLY ACCOMPLISHED DURING YOU TIME IN CDL5?

While this is a perfectly valid question, I think that the sticky point for me is the word “accomplished”. I, personally, have not at all approached this program in that way. It has been more of an organic process, and the process and the transformation along the way have been the focus. So, for me, I think the pertinent question is something like, How have you been transformed, and/or what has deepened in you during your time in CDL5? What seeds have been planted or watered?

I feel very grateful and privileged to have done this program. Let me say that first. I came in without many expectations or goals, just knowing that it felt appropriate to do this, and I entered with a lot of curiousity to see what would happen externally and internally. I kind of approached it the way I approach life and practice: holding a sense of mystery, faith and intention. I believe that I have received the blessings of the program and also the blessings and purification of teaching the dharma, which I have been doing concurrently. I don’t have any burning desire to know what resulted from what, but I can try to explain what feels somewhat transformed, or what is transforming. Honestly, I cannot say that I have a desire to evaluate what I have done here. At the same time, I think I will continue to experience the blessings of having participated in CDL5 for a long time, perhaps for the rest of my life.

I feel less alone and I feel the freedom and delight of belonging to something so much bigger than “me”. I feel a greater sense of lineage, of being a more “formal” part of it. This and teaching have deepened my confidence in myself as a practitioner and as a person who shares the teachings with others– a role that I never sought or thought I would play. It feels different now when I sit or take the seat. I have been brought more deeply into my own wounding, my own shadow, and my intention to free myself. I have also touched more deeply my own beautiful qualities, and how they serve me in sharing the teachings, and in continuing to move my practice forward. In almost everything I have

32 experienced here, there has been some level of challenge to who I know myself ( my self) to be, joyfully and in difficulty. And even if this had been the only thing that had happened, this journey would have been worthwhile.

I have further developed my relationship with my mentor, who is a monastic, and this may not have happened (or at least not as efficiently) if i had not done this program. (A relationship that this person is, kindly and fortunately for me, willing to continue). Association with monastics has always had a powerful effect on me – when I am in the presence of people who have “gone forth”, I simply and serenely and equanimously and open-heartedly remember who I am, and this deep remembering brings more quiet joy than anything in my life, and fuels practice.

Many, many years ago, I met and received several teachings/initiations from the Ven. Kalu Rinpoche (long deceased), a great Tibetan lama and a being of profound realization, and recognized as such in many corners of the world. Before I met him for the first time, the resident teacher at the center in Los Angeles told me: “Your life is never going to be the same.” I let that statement sit, until many years later, when, one day, I simply knew that it was true. I couldn’t say exactly how those encounters had deeply altered my life forever, but I knew so clearly that it was true. Likewise, with this program, in those mysterious ways that I cannot completely describe at this moment, I know that being a part of this program has changed my life forever, and that the blessings and purification of being here in all the unknown ways that they may occur, will abide long and deeply. Perhaps I should just say that I prefer to live in the mystery, with deep bow of gratitude to you all and to life…. WHAT HAVE WE ACCOMPLISHED AS A GROUP.

Again, I retreat from the word (collective) “accomplishment” because what could I say that is not obvious: all the learnings from the multicultural work, the friendships, the support and bonding, the collective body of teachings presented and generated, etc. I can only conjecture that in the hearts and minds of my colleagues, there have been transformations as significant as my own. I also see it in our consult group. Something has been born in people, on the surface and far beneath it.

As I was speaking with a friend (not at all involved in the dharma) and relating that I was struggling with this question, she said to me, (paraphrasing): “In the great scheme of things, in this whole universe, what has your group done that is

33 significant, that has made a difference in this world?” That is a huge question, maybe too big, some would say, but I don’t think it is too big. I think it goes right to the heart of what we have done here: the ripple effect of the Bodhisattva vow (whether we have taken it formally or not).

The first significant thing we all did was agree to apply when nominated, and come, if accepted. We made the time, and the financial and energetic sacrifices to participate. We all showed up -- for what I assume were mostly wholesome reasons and love of dharma. We all stepped up and allowed ourselves to be challenged, angered, frustrated, energized, to be loved, to be held, to be happy, and so much more. There is courage in this group – there was when we started, and I am guessing that there is even more now. We allowed ourselves (our selves) to be taken apart and re-arrranged or perhaps in part, disolved, as a result of our participation—in and out of the retreats. And I assume that we have done so, not only for our own benefit, but for the benefit of all beings. And we will go forward as leaders, sharing and embodying the dharma in the world, aspiring to be as free as we can be in order to help others to be as free as they can be, in other words, bodhisattvas, following in the footsteps of the Buddha. And I believe that there is great power in that we have done it together, as a community, a sangha. A pulse that radiates out into the world, in “ever-widening circles” (as Rilke says).

CDL5 has made an imprint for peace in the world. And that is how I would answer my friend’s question.

March, 2017 San Diego CA

Cornelia Santschi March 2017 – CDL5 Homework Theme: Exploring our experience of Merit and Blessings

1. What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

Through the two years of our CDL journey, I have found that my conceptual notions of what a Dharma leader looks like have peeled away, layer by layer, through this process of group engagement, learning, practicing, and reflection. This will undoubtedly continue as I mature further in the Dharma. I have felt my way, at times with some

34 trepidation, at times with greater conviction, into the evolving experience of Dharma leadership.

As a result of our work together, I have undertaken a personal commitment to continue to look deeper when I have inclination to bypass, knowing that I can never underestimate the impact of the many facets of my history, on my view. In like fashion, I can never know the implications of another’s complex identity.

I have gained confidence in my teaching voice, allowing for a balance between expressing knowledge of Dharma and personal truth when speaking, and deep heart-felt listening when I am called upon to respond to another.

I have also become increasingly comfortable with the understanding that stepping forward to take the leadership seat, for me, may often mean ‘leading from behind’. This is especially true in my Sangha where ally-ship is of paramount importance. I have seen this expand our group’s vision in ways that could not have been imagined. As described in the commentaries, ‘providing others an opportunity to make merit together’, is truly an action toward collective freedom.

2. What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

How our group accomplishments play out remains to be seen, but for a time, we created a ‘circle of kinship’ where no one stood outside the circle.

In the words of Jesuit priest Gregory Boyle, we moved “ourselves closer to the margins, so that the margins themselves could be erased”. For me, our group has demonstrated the ability to stand with one another through the vicissitudes that inevitably come when we unravel together and collectively heal.

I recall the first retreat, when we experienced mutual admiration of the strength, skill, experience, and knowledge present in the room. I am even more in awe of my colleagues now. It has been my honor to learn from you. It is also a great blessing for my journey forward, that I have Kalyana Mitta resources in my siblings that will bring wisdom, joy, insight and collaboration.

Deep bows to all our teachers; may you continue to model, in your own exemplary styles, what it takes to teach the Dharma skillfully in the midst of all we now face. I will continue to look to you for advice and example as we step up together in these challenging times.

CDL 5: March Homework Mary L Davis Personal Accomplishments

When I look back over the last two years since I joined CDL5, I am absolutely amazed at how much things have changed in terms of my growth as a dharma leader. When I was first nominated for the program by my mentor, I wasn’t quite sure why or what potential he saw in me. While I had served in teaching and leadership roles in my previous tradition, my departure from that sangha was not easy, and in leaving it, I also left behind any vestiges of the teacher or leader identity.

Since beginning CDL, at my sangha of origin, Mission Dharma, I have since taught three Introduction to Insight Meditation beginning series, and have been asked to mentor new teachers stepping into the role of teaching that class. We also finally incorporated as a non- profit (with much of the work done by my CDL sib, Tara Mulay), and I serve as the Secretary of the Board. It’s an exciting time to be on the Board as we figure out who we are as an organization, what is needed, and trying new ways of doing things. I feel a much greater responsibility for the care of the sangha, and discovering what is needed and desired in order for people to feel more connected to each other, so that sangha becomes a true refuge. We have also taken on the work on seeing how we can show up as an anti-racist organization. CDL helped me see how important this work is.

Just over a year ago Insight Richmond came into being, with myself and two other CDL sibs - Ashley Sharp and Thomas Davis IV - at the helm. Over the year we’ve learned how to work together as equal partners, each bringing their own strengths. We spent our first nine months in the Children’s Art Room of the Richmond Art Center which was a sweet space, but not optimal in terms of access, cleanliness or space. In December of this year, we moved to a new church and our sangha has started to grow, with, on average 15-16 folks each week. We celebrated our first anniversary last week, and it was so heartening to see how much people appreciate having the sangha and having the three of us leading it. I feel like we are now at new phase where we can start doing outreach to the Richmond community to help make the sangha more diverse and welcoming to all of Richmond’s communities. There are a few people invested enough in the sangha that we can start counting on as volunteers.

And finally, at my workplace, Kaiser Permanente San Francisco, I have taken the lead in bringing mindfulness to the staff and physicians. I have done a number of very well-attended lunchtime talks about mindfulness which included meditation, set up three lunchtime sitting groups (and starting a fourth virtual group next week), and write a popular weekly mindfulness email blast. While the sitting groups are not well attended, (there is some work that needs to be done in terms of publicity), I am always touched when people tell me that they read my mindfulness tips and how helpful they’ve been. I’m also asked to do presentations at department meetings, and I’ll be giving a public presentation next month, for both staff and patients. My job description does not include any of these tasks, and I’ve taken them on over and above my regular full-time job, but my hope is that at some point they’ll see the value and create a role where I can dedicate even more attention to creating programs that are so needed with our overworked, stressed-out staff.

36 I wish I could say I am 100% comfortable in the teacher’s seat, taking it with full ownership. I’m getting there, though. I see my role, in all three venues, as being of service to the sangha rather than “teacher”, which I don’t think is a bad thing.

Group Accomplishment

The first retreat was a pretty bumpy ride for me. My comparing mind was in overdrive and the content challenged me in ways I didn’t expect I was going to get challenged. I left that retreat feeling pretty rattled and wondered what any of all that had to do with teaching Dharma.

However, after accepting Konda’s challenge of “you white folks need to get educated” and taking on the beautiful offering by my CDL colleagues of the white privilege curriculum, slowly my eyes started to open and I could see that what we were doing together was incredibly important in challenging a deeply embedded racial imbalance in our Insight Meditation communities, and in our country.

For many of us as we head back to our various meditation communities, we will have better tools to serve diverse populations and have those difficult conversations. I think with each group that engages in this content and comes out more dedicated to diversity in our spiritual communities, the more likely we will start to see change. Heading back to our home sanghas, we will no longer be blind to, or feel helpless about the lack of diversity. We learned through watching or participating in Spirit Rock and IMS’s struggles with the retreat teacher training, that sometimes fierce action is called for in doing what is right.

CDL was a tough journey at times. We were challenged, and at our retreats, overwhelmed with information and/or emotional processing. There were difficult and uncomfortable confrontations as our various cultures collided. Yet, within the container of our CDL sangha, we learned how to navigate the discomfort and be open to the different life experiences and the pain of being on the outside in our dominant cultures. This has forged strong bonds between us, and I feel like our cohort will be part of each other’s lives as dharma practitioners and leaders for years to come.

Andrew Chaikin

1. What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

Upon reflecting on my time in CDL5, I’m feeling some hesitation around the phrase “What have you personally accomplished?”

So I’m choosing to lovingly reframe the question, and write about some of the fruits of my participation in CDL — both for me and the communities I serve.

37 Both of the sanghas I lead have benefitted from a much more diverse and inclusive set of leaders in the teacher seat. The “dharma” these communities have studied and practiced has included teachings from a much wider variety of cultural backgrounds. Topics discussed in these communities now include issues of privilege and diversity as the norm, rather than the exception.

These unfoldings are direct fruits of my participation in CDL5, which provided the opportunity for a rich array of frank discussions, deep inquiries and vital learnings around privilege, diversity, inclusivity and community.

These inquiries weren’t always easy or pleasant, but they opened my eyes to so many realms of not-fully-seeing — in my dharma leadership, and in many other areas of my life. It has been so humbling, inspiring and enriching to turn towards these areas of my unconsciousness, and take action based on what I found and learned.

I have carried these inquiries into many of my other social circles, both within and outside the dharma world — sparking many raw, frank discussions about privilege with Caucasian friends, male friends, straight friends, and so on.

On the teacher seat: I’m teaching much more from the heart, from the unfolding moment — from embodying dharma, rather than simply knowing and relaying it. This has been transformational all around. Feedback from my mentors, assistants, and the practitioners I serve has been warmly positive: there is a different energy in the space, transmission on a different set of frequencies.

Another particularly sweet basket of fruits: I feel very much a part of a vibrant community of incredible dharma leaders around the country and the world — new dharma friends and colleagues who I will walk the path with for life.

I’ve been so blessed to teach and lead and co-create and connect and revel with — and support, and be supported by — so many outstanding human beings who I didn’t know before April 2015. I am so inspired and humbled by who you all are, and your vital work in the world.

2. What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

Again, I’m noticing hesitation — this time, around the prospect of summarizing a group experience. Hmm. Deep breath.

I feel that we have modeled, nurtured and created community — through self-organization, co- creation, deep inquiry and deep dialogue.

I feel that we have created a space of trust for each other that two years ago was tender, fragile, wary. We have been through a lot together — conflict, grief, confusion, pain. We have

38 supported each other in ways large and small — emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually, and beyond.

We have turned towards areas of suffering and delusion, both personal and collective. We have turned towards and worked on difficult and sensitive issues with deep karmic roots.

Of course, we didn’t always speak and act perfectly skillfully in the process — but these cracks in the vessel, and their careful repair, are often where community is truly formed. To borrow from Leonard Cohen: There are cracks in everything; that’s how the light gets in.

March 2017—CDL5 Homework – Gina LaRoche

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?  I have deepened my knowledge of the teachings of the Dharma and know where to go and find credible translations of the teachings  I now have resonate language for the ethical path I have been walking for a long time and until now had never found a place where my values completely aligned  I have made connections in the Theravada community across the country and with our international members and see myself as a conduit to help sow the seeds of a global community  I have worked to ensure New Haven Insight has credible teachings and an ethical foundation to thrive. I believe I took what Jud started and ensured its viability in shifting from a dominant leader to a community dharma organization. We have started the paperwork for a 501c3 and have agreed to move to our own location – June 1  I have stopped being silent about the things that matter most: racism, class issues, cultural appropriation, hetro-normative focus etc… I had come to terms with my issues around race but CDL 5 has given me the courage to speak out loud about what it means to be Black and have two sons now 18 and 20 out in the world and how terrifying that is. Jen and I have also brought this conversation more explicitly to our work where we talk about it from the front of the room and where all white clients are asked to do their privilege work while working with us. Jen even hosted two calls for the white participants in our 6-month training program.  I understand the power of taking the seat as leader in a new way – which is saying something consider my education and work – it is not to be taken for granted and I need to be cognizant of the psychological well being of those in the room  I have integrated Buddhist ritual into my own ritual work  I have a very deep understanding of the two truths and seem to be able to live in the dichotomy of standing in both.  Continued to work my own trauma process  I essentially have an ability to take the teachings off my cushion and out into the world with greater regularity, ease and clarity.

39 What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?  Brought the white privilege work and racial dialogue to the forefront

40 Final CDL-5 Essay March 2017 Tara Mulay

I would like to focus on what I think the benefits of being in CDL have been for me personally and what benefits I think have arisen from our work together as a group in CDL. Through CDL, I have gained a much wider sangha as a great benefit. My fellow CDL members’ wisdom and compassion has impacted me in immeasurable ways. I will always carry this gift with me. In CDL, I have been exposed to extraordinary teachers, leaders, and experts, such as Jan Willis and Charles Johnson, and my exposure to them has shaped my understanding of how to go forward as a dharma leader. I feel a deep debt of gratitude for their transmissions. Through my CDL consult group, I connected with the co-founder and co-leader of the sitting group I started, the San Francisco People of Color Insight Meditation Group. I have had a lot of fun co-leading this group and have gotten a deep sense of satisfaction out of it. I have also challenged myself as a leader, and the way in which I share the dharma has evolved. It has been a joy to bring in many CDL-5 colleagues to lead the group as well. I have seen the benefit that this group has provided to practitioners. I know that others in CDL have started similar projects, sharing the dharma and making it accessible to many practitioners. I am gratified to think of the benefit CDL has offered in many communities. I have deeply enjoyed seeing our CDL cohort mature together in an understanding of how to work with each other and love each other across our many differences. I have gained a strong appreciation of what each individual, including me, can bring to the dharma with our unique backgrounds. Although this work has been challenging for me, and I think for many others, I have grown tremendously from this invaluable experience.

Matthew Hepburn CDL5 March 2017 Homework

Theme: Exploring our experience of Merit and Blessings

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

Thinking of my Dharma leadership and what I’ve accomplished during my time in CDL5 what strikes me as most notable is having developed significantly more comfort where the Dharma intersects with socio-cultural complexity, and in the midst of diverging views in the Dharma. Without CDL5, I’d be much more tension-averse whenever the mind perceived it was in a “Dharmic” context. The benefits of this have presented themselves readily in situations ranging from supporting belonging for non-binary gender identities in a historically gender binary (languaged) tradition, to things as simple as navigating opinions about how long walking periods should be during a day-long. Before CDL5 these types of situations would primarily call

41 up conditioning to retract away from the tension and rely only on the familiar for inner guidance. The most tremendous accomplishment (but really gift) of the last two years of CDL5 participation has been a familiarization with interpersonal openness, curiosity, and creativity in the midst of the unknown and uncomfortable – within dharma community. So, when the going gets complex, and the mind reaches for the familiar, there’s a new range of skillful responsiveness that’s available.

As a whole group we’ve accomplished something I find very inspiring and which will be an important model for me as I continue to lead communities of practitioners. CDL5 started a group that polices itself into customs and behaviors that are popularly respected as non- harming. We’ve grown slowly over time into a community that embodies non-harming by holding any authentic and heartfelt expression from a community member, and then expects accountability from every member in collectively examining (along with its content) the impact of that expression – and most importantly, without an expectation for perfection. This movement from policing for perfection toward trust and accountability in service of cultivating understanding is something that I’ll be continuing to investigate in the communities I’m a part of in the years to come.

CDL Final Homework Christina Leano April 1, 2017

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

One of my greatest takeaways from CDL is the notion of “teaching from the inside out.” It is a reminder to trust my inner voice and experience as enough. As a result, I have grown in confidence around teaching meditation, and particularly the Dharma.

During CDL, I began teaching the Dharma through the lens of Christianity with my first 5 week class series last Fall entitled “Exploring Buddhist Meditation and Christian Contemplative Practice.” I have continued this spring with a monthly class and will be teaching my first daylong retreat “Walking the Christian Buddhist Path” retreat in June. I also hope to help form a weekly sitting group at a Christian retreat center.

Through the program, particularly drawing on the inspiration of what other CDLers are doing, I am in the process of looking for other creative ways to teach from my interests and intersections. One of these is to develop an MBSR for Christians or Mindfulness for Christians. I hope to experiment with this in the Fall.

Last, as I’ve been taking my role on the teaching seat more seriously, I’ve been proactive in finding the support that I need for my teaching and practice. I’ve sought out mentors within my own Christian tradition who have been teaching or also deeply influenced by Buddhism. Also because of the reflection that I’ve done through CDL, I’ve become more aware of the need to deepen my understanding of the Buddhist suttas and am finding ways to support my study. At the moment that means taking a BCBS course.

42 It has been an incredibly 2 ½ years. I am deeply grateful.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

We have done a lot over the past 2 ½ years: ● Grown in intimacy as a community ● Learned to support each other as Dharma practitioners and teachers ● Engaged deeply on issues of race and other social issues ● Kept each other accountable and helped each other grow through difficult conversations ● Helped the program grow through our feedback ● Found ways for POC to support each other ● Created an awesome, supportive, and deep community

March 2017 --- CDL5 Homework --- Paula Simon

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

-Completing the course is in and of itself a personal accomplishment. This accomplishment was extremely challenging as I experienced a tragedy with the sudden death of my husband during the course. The strength and support of my CDL5 partner, teachers and others in the group was greatly appreciated.

-The program helped me maintain some measure of continuity with my personal practice. It kept me engaged with the teachings, expanding both my knowledge and lived experience.

-I have gained more clarity and confidence around how to address diversity issues and a deeper understanding of the vast spectrum of human diversity in regards to gender identities. I have felt connected and in a place where I can exist as is and do not need to adjust to others rules.

- I have made new friendships and connections that will likely lead to opening a meditation retreat center in Costa Rica. I have a greater awareness and sensitivity of cultural appropriation and that will shape how this project unfolds.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

-Awareness in our group of the racial divide in our culture has been greatly expanded. An understanding of social injustice in areas not seen or known before. - The group as a whole had a positive impact on me even though I did not get to know each individual due to the large number of people in the class. Of those I did connect with I was inspired and energized by the many ways in which the teachings are unfolding in everyone’s lives. The many projects fellow practioners are working on and the groups being served. I often felt surrounded by the unfolding of the teachings and it warmed my heart.

43 Eileen Spillane

Accomplished during CDL: Assumed the seat of dharma leader Made mistakes Learned from mistakes Sat with feeling uncomfortable Expanded my limitations with growth Explored blind spots Deepened my understanding of the dharma and found my unique voice in which to share it. Established meaningful friendships with colleagues in the community Deepened my understanding of diversity, inclusivity & white privilege and took action to spread awareness. Felt inspired by the teaching team, guest speakers and so many members of the CDL community.

As a group, we stumbled along in the beginning but so many took on the work of investigating white privilege, which had a palpable shift over the years together to create community. As a group we achieved healing (along with wounding) and established a unique template in which to build future CDL’s.

Alice Robison What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

To be in relation with others in order to wake up to personal conditioning and to work on karma. Creating karma moment to moment through thought, speech, and action The playing out of karma internally and externally Showing up Not bailing when it got rough internally and externally Deepening listening skills Sharing talent. We never really know what each being is capable of Creating a safe place to let each talent be revealed Learning to practice in a diverse sangha…together Gaining deeper exploration of skills needed to teach and guide groups and individuals Embodying allyship with diversity and white supremacy and how to name it and own it when teaching To offer race relations as a teaching of the dhamma Deepening of maturity and “growing up” in the dhamma Humility Confidence

44 Faith Renunciation Patience The Consult Group as a touchstone of support and sharing and anchoring, and intimacy Reflecting on the skills my mentor personified and what it means to be supported by someone who genuinely cares about my growth in practice and sees me In the Dhamma to wake up internally helps us to wake up externally, and visa versa No one is free until we all are free Getting a glimpse into liberation/emptiness All beings are precious Inner Gold Deepening of the Four Bhrama Viharas and their essential role in practice and daily life And finally, the good fortune to be on the Path. THAT is a gift and a responsibility to take seriously.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

Reflecting on the time spent in CDL5 two main themes arise to the surface. The first is learning: how to be in, live in, communicate in, eat in, walk in a diverse community of practiced Buddhist practitioners deepening the understanding of what sangha really is.

The second is: the Waking up to Whiteness curriculum that allowed the time and space to delve into my own personal white supremacist conditioning and to watch it play out in the sangha and in daily life. Learning how to speak skillfully, to listen deeper, to accept humility (again and again) and finally to know that I know, clearly, that being raised in the American dominant culture I assume privilege.

All the teachings within CDL supported these two main themes. For what happens in the microcosm happens in the macrocosm.

The deep gratitude and admiration for the POC folks and the LGBTQi, disabled folks is profound. As I read translations of the suttas and the teachings from Buddhist scholars about the sangha the Buddha created I feel it is not much different now. Taking away the thoughts, made into law, only for the purpose to control and prosper off of others, and meet “in the middle” and really look and listen and free ourselves from our own conditioning is quite profound. Leveling the ground so to speak.

The deep gratitude and admiration for the white folks who stepped up and forward to create the curriculum and to name it and offered it freely.

The deep gratitude and admiration for all the teachers for sharing, freely, the teachings of the Buddha, giving the guidelines and boundaries to the sangha, taking on harsh and kind words, and embodying their practice so we all can learn through their examples.

Taking refuge in the Triple Gem as the guide for living life seems rare to experience in a group of people.

They go to many a refuge, to mountains, forests, parks, trees, and shrines: people threatened with danger. That's not the secure refuge, that's not the highest refuge, that's not the refuge, having gone to which, you gain release from all suffering and stress. But when, having gone for refuge to the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha, you see with right discernment the four Noble Truths — stress, the cause of stress, the transcending of stress, and the Noble Eightfold Path, the way to the stilling of stress: That's the secure refuge, that, the highest refuge, that is the refuge, having gone to which, you gain release from all suffering and stress. — Dhammapada, 188-192

46 Emily Carpenter

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? I've become much more comfortable taking the seat of a Dharma leader and feel like I embody the role more naturally now. I have a stronger sense of confidence that I have something to offer as a leader and feel more comfortable letting the Dharma flow through me, trusting that what I offer will be of use to others.

My understanding of what it means to be a Dharma leader has expanded far beyond teachers sitting on the stage at IMS or Spirit Rock. Leadership can and is manifesting in many different forms for the people in our CDL cohort. Given that I just moved to a new city, having a broad view of what Dharma leadership is has opened me up to possibilities in Portland that I might not otherwise have considered.

Through this program, I’ve learned a ton about white privilege, racism and the dynamics of inclusion and exclusion and have been reminded of the urgency of working toward equality and justice. I’m very grateful to the CDLers who created the Undoing Racism study materials for our CDL cohort and to have worked through those materials with a small group. Our small group will likely continue meeting into the future, so the work continues.

I’ve definitely been humbled by the process of developing as a leader. The more I learn and grow in this area, the more clearly I see how vast the Dharma is and recognize how little I actually understand about it. It’s also pretty clear to me that I still have much to learn about the ways that racism and white privilege operate in this culture and what the most effective ways are to address it as a community member and a leader. Recognizing that I still have much to understand and learn and staying in touch with my intention to support and serve others has definitely been a helpful support in my development.

Although our CDL program ends this month, in some ways it feels like just the first chapter in my development as a Dharma leader. I’m excited to be starting to explore other opportunities going forward. I’ve joined a racism and white privilege book study group organized by Portland’s chapter of the Buddhist Peace Fellowship, am making plans to participate in a 10- month Dharma study and practice program in 2018 and am starting to explore ways to get more training in Somatic Experiencing and other trauma therapies.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5? I think our CDL cohort has learned how to build community together. Through the experience of attending the retreats together and showing up for session after session, even when things got messy and difficult and seemingly impossible, we’ve learned how to support and care for each other and to “break together” as Larry says. I feel like as a group, we’ve grown more resilient, more patient and understanding and able to hear each other’s myriad voices. Our experience of building community together has helped give us the skills and tools to support and nourish our local communities as well.

47 Through our work together, we’ve developed a national network of support. I feel like I have some connection now with Dharma communities all around the country and many of the relationships that have grown and strengthened through CDL are ones that will be supportive for years to come.

March CDL5 Homework – Jan Rosamond

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? I’ve begun to wake up to my whiteness, to the privilege that has come with whiteness, to the imbalance that privilege has created in my life, and to the limitations it has created in being able to serve the Dharma. I’ve gotten more relaxed about my role as a leader. I’ve met some FABULOUS people!

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5? We’ve worn away a few of the rough edges between us. We’ve helped create a path for the next group. We’ve finished what we started.

Kathey Ferland- March homework

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

 I have started co-leading daylongs.  I feel more confident in my role giving dharma talks.  I supported one of my teachers in two online dharma study courses, responding to questions/comments online.  I have a much greater appreciation for the many different ways in which the dharma can be communicated and explored.  I have a much greater appreciation for different teaching styles.

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

The main accomplishment within the CDL5 group has been the white awareness study group. Going through the material in that study group has dramatically shifted my understanding about white privilege, my own bias, and the importance of including this discussion in the sangha and our communities.

48 Reflections on merit and the fruits of CDL Mar 2017 CDL5 homework Sean Feit Oakes

This past fall, Sara and I taught the Spirit Rock teen series together. Though we both had taught at SR before, it was our first time teaching together. It was a direct result both of our participation in CDL, and our work with teens through SR and IBME. I specifically was excited to do CDL5 because she and I could do it together, and being there as a couple and then as a family was a joy. Sara and I have such different personalities and strengths as practitioners, as well as an age and experience gap, but CDL has been instrumental in bridging many of those differences and bringing us more into a dynamic peer relationship as practitioners. The depth we share in conversation about the dharma and current issues has only increased, and is one of the most precious gifts of CDL for me. I am learning to teach and practice from the perspective of the parent and perhaps “family man.” This is a new role for me, who before CDL and parenthood was most focused on Buddhism as a contemplative training most fully expressed on long retreat. I still hold such practice as central to the Path, but am enjoying the broadening of my view to include family and social bodies as sites of contemplation and liberation. The “Community” aspect of the CDL name for me speaks very much to the aspects of Buddhist teaching in the West that are layperson focused, and therefore in many ways family focused, at least by implication. The experiment of having a baby at the trainings has been both joyful and difficult, but no more so than having a baby amid my whole life, where relentless negotiation, compromise, renunciation, and forbearance now seem to be the situation.

The social justice and diversity aspects of the training have been the most valuable for me in my own development as a teacher and practitioner, and have permeated every aspect of my teaching. I hope now that “waking up” and “woke” are becoming synonyms in progressive convert Buddhist culture in the West, and that we as teachers can deepen the liberation dharmas of both Buddhist and Social Justice lineages. I find myself seeing and speaking to privilege, especially my own, and systemic injustices far more often and fluently than I did before, and growing in my sense of how anti-oppression discourse can weave smoothly into Theravāda renunciate teachings. I have been blessed specifically through witness to the words and actions of wise friends and colleagues in the CDL5 cohort, and from participation in the large-scale conversation we have had these years about the intersections between anti-oppression work and Buddhist principles and praxis. Discourses of justice more and more weave into my more established work in trauma and Buddhist contemplative inquiry in ways that are satisfying and feel profoundly growthful for myself and my teaching.

I offer the merit of my time in CDL5 for the benefit of those oppressed by both external and internal forces, those whose conditions in the social field do not support easeful embodied presence and contemplative inquiry, and all those sustained in unwholesome states by the inhumanity of our social, ideological, and economic systems. May all beings find the perception of safety, wise and nourishing relationship, and the ease and joy that conduce to states of inner stability, resilience, and power in service of the good. May all be well.

49 accomplish |əˈkämpliSH| verb [ with obj. ] achieve or complete successfully

Syra Smith as a whole group: I feel we’ve pioneered somewhat in our ability to stay and stay with each other amidst our difference and quiet turbulence. Wearing footpaths to our hearts, I’ve seen us composting conditions and ways of being into dharmic view and dharmic action. We’ve nurtured one another while learning to sharpen the cutting edge of courage into wisdom. Turning toward again and again, we’ve been willing to touch and be with authenticity, kindness and patience, showing up perfectly flawed and perfectly whole.

As a group, I think we’ve been an incredible force, the power of which has been felt and known whether in our individual lives, in our teaching and leadership roles or collectively. There’s something to be said about collective intention.

This past Feb. and March I sat two months at Spirit Rock. During the retreat I noticed an effort from many of the teachers to educate our largely elder and largely “white” retreat community on bias, racism, the many faces of privilege and the importance of diversity and access in western dharma. The people at the front of the room pulled more quotes and read more passages from everyday people of color and queer folk, women of color, prison inmates, artists, entrepreneurs, athletes and astronomers. Though perhaps not perfect or even sometimes bumpy….the heartfelt effort was palpable for me. This was also the first of the month long and two month retreats at SRMC where affinity groups and peer led daily sits for POC and LGBTQI community members were supported and implemented. A beautiful and sweet homecoming for many of us, this important seed of transformation has been planted and, in my view, monumental change set in motion with a plan to continue these groups in the years to come. All this seems a definite result and impactful manifestation of, not solely our own but certainly including, this group’s intentions, voices and actions as practitioners and activists walking, breathing and living the dharma. personally: Foremost, I’ve simply grown. I’ve learned to draw distinction between outer goals and inner aspirations. While riding this wave, I’ve softened, tempered and opened more deeply to what’s here. Another level of acceptance, self and otherwise, has woven it’s way into my understanding and heart. I’ve found that moving along in this way, meeting each moment, can be both painful and beautiful at once and at this time in my life, that kind wisdom is contentment enough.

“A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.” ~ Lao Tzu

Rae Ellen Houseman

What have I personally accomplished during my time in CDL-

My capacity to be with my own discomfort while participating in conversations and engaging in process related to and highlighting issues of race and white privilege grew. I cultivated a deeper understanding of the painful causes and effects of the white-washing that happens here in the U.S.A. I’ve developed my capacity to speak about social justice issues as they relate to/can be observed and worked with within the context of the dharma culture here in the U.S.A. I took a few opportunities, at CDL retreats, to practice speaking in large groups, which is not something that has historically been very easy for me. I created and taught my first day-long workshop, in which I blended to areas of interest- Trauma Renegotiation and Dharma. I co-created and co-taught a day-long retreat with a fellow CDL’er. I taught my first 5 week introduction to meditation/mindfulness. I’ve grown more confident in my capacity to be a leader/ teacher of the dharma.

What the group has accomplished-

We held space for some of the most difficult explorations that a diverse community can undertake. People listened to and had new understandings of the experiences of others who have different racial, cultural, sexual, gendered, abilitied experiences in life. We managed to develop a container with some degree of safety for people to express their differences. We, the participants and the leadership team of this community, negotiated needs and expectations to find a mutual way of meeting the needs of the community.

CDL5 MARCH HOMEWORK JUSTIN MICHELSON

1) What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5?

Over the past 2.5 years, since applying for this Dharma leadership program, I have grown and matured significantly. I am very grateful for the richness of the content, the inspiration of the teachers and mentors, the relationships I’ve formed with fellow leaders, and the ever- deepening of my understanding of practice. I’ve certainly become significantly more informed and sensitive to the experiences of diverse groups, both in relation to Dharma and non-Dharma communities. Thank you.

My most significant tangible accomplishments include: a) creating a 6-week meditation course for beginners in Eugene, OR, which expresses my personal/authentic approach to Dharma practice – fusing insights from neuroscience, ecology, Buddhist wisdom, and my personal life experience. b) Co-evolving the Eugene Insight Meditation (EIM) group, including creation of a website, Facebook page, and flyers. c) Offering monthly dharma talks on various creative and relevant topic through EIM.

51 d) Offering a weekly sitting group in Dexter, OR. e) Completing Spirit Rock month-long retreats 2015/2016.

2) What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5?

The CDL program has artfully woven together the life-paths of diverse, dedicated practitioners from around the county (and world). The myriad topics that we’ve collectively explored together have enriched each of our perspectives, and in turn, we can expect those inquiries to ripple out to our peers, students, and our communities. In many ways, it is impossible to know the full effects of what this will accomplish in the future, as each of us expands our roles and capacities.

In the past 2 years, however, through consistently holding the tensions of diverse dialogue, it’s clear to me we have expanded, strengthened and deepened the relationships and collective understandings within the Insight Meditation community in the West. In particular, we have unpacked individual and cultural assumptions about race, class, age, ability and more, and explored how unhealthy patterns can be perpetuated in our culture, and even within the institutions we love the most. We have deepened our understanding of the creative, ever- evolving ways that Buddhist wisdom can pierce the veil of our culture’s blind spots.

It is hard to frame this as an “accomplishment”, as such endeavors are never quite complete or final. Instead, perhaps, we can trust we’ve enriched and forwarded an organic process of collective growth and evolution during CDL5. Certainly, CDL5 has fit perfectly into my own organic evolution:

I have lived in communal settings now for over a decade. I have shared the Dharma via sitting groups over the same period. I have been one of the only younger persons on countless meditation retreats over the past 15 years. The CDL5 experience has built upon each of these experiences – geographically expanding my experience of community, deepening my confidence in sharing my Dharma experience, and bringing a new sense of personal belonging and companionship to other practitioners of similar age and dedication. The experience has been empowering.

I imagine others have experienced similar things, and collectively, I’m gladdened to imagine the collective effect of those impacts…

BLESSINGS! Justin Michelson

52 March 2017—CDL5 Homework

At the Close, Merit and Blessings Kristin Barker

Prelude: CDL5 Greeter

Two years ago, as I made my way the mediation hall for the opening session of the first Community Dharma Leaders Program fifth cohort retreat, I was replete with self-doubt.

“I am a fraud, an imposter. The teachers who nominated and agreed to mentor me may not be fools, but somehow fool them I did for here I am, different from all these actual Dharma people who actually belong here. Only because no one knows what to do with this “Eco-Dharma” thing am I here.

“Still, I do love the Dharma and I do love this place. I have felt so supported by the meditation space, the land and the sense of nature being somehow actively involved in my practice. And yet today even the land must know that, with respect to this particular group and retreat, I don’t belong.”

Against the torrent of these thoughts, I continued to make my way towards the hall. In the final stretch nearing the fountain, I noticed on the warm cement some 25 yards away a female Western Fence Lizard, one of my favorite SRMC-resident species. Strangely, she was moving swiftly and with seeming intent directly towards me. I slowed; she kept coming. I stopped; she kept coming. With amazement I stood completely still as this creature crawled up on my sandal, finally stopping and turning her gaze up to meet mine. Then she settled and close her eyes, as if she found the top of my foot a fine place to rest and take in the sun.

53 After a few minutes, she opened her eyes, gazed about and then proceeded to crawl down and, without hurry, moved on.

Message received.

Grateful for this perfect blessing, I awoke as if from a trance and, without hurry, entered into the hall. Sure that my larger belonging was intact, that in fact it never leaves, I found myself present, open and newly available for whatever might happen next.

Two Years Later

Putting the Dharma in Community Dharma Leaders Program

Without getting all culty weird about it, I have to say that the CDL5 program, in combination with local teachers, a wealth of online Dharma resources, ongoing retreats, and all my teacher- collaborators in One Earth Sangha, is party to body-snatching. The Dharma has entered and now inhabits me. An alteration is underway.

Unlike many of my CLD5 colleagues, this was my first formal and extensive Dharma study- practice program. Coming to know only some of the beautiful depth and complexity of these teachings, I am deeper in love. The depth of insight, interrelatedness and transformative power embedded in the seemingly simple list of four Divine Abodes has astounded me, and the same can be said for the five hindrances and the five remembrances and seven factors.

Discovering the lived experience of practices as they play out in this body, it’s clear that the Dharma loves me right back. Committing to the rules, breaking the rules, coming ‘round to actually wanting the rules, I have grown in the discipline of Middle Way. At one time a 30- minute daily dose of self-judgement, I’ve finally found a reliable approach to a nourishing regular sitting practice. The cosmos opens. Of late, I am exploring emptiness practices and finding a depth of freedom and well-being I had no idea existed (non-blaming is a revelation!).

Most importantly, I dare say I’m a better human for it: more compassionate, forgiving, appropriately firm when needed, contented and hopefully a little less deluded. The learning is in some ways just beginning and I hope to find some kind of structured Sangha support for its continuance.

Putting the Community in Community Dharma Leaders Program

Didn’t someone say, ‘Sangha would be perfect, if it weren’t for the people’? Of course we all know that the Sangha is itself both refuge and often that which drives us to frantically seek out the other two refuges (or a “better” Sangha!). But difficult though it may be, a community that is rooted in and committed to Dharma is the core community to which I’ve committed myself.

54 If the next Buddha is a Sangha, as Thich Nhat Hanh once predicted, then it will only be because a group of people turned their attention, with ample courage, steadfast perseverance and unwavering kindness, towards our own collective suffering and that of the world.

I have been deeply touched and taught by my CDL colleagues as we faced together the thorny issues of race and privilege operating within the program and the larger Insight institutions. In particular, my eyes have been open to the ways in which Western Buddhism has unconsciously colonized and then systematically devalued and demeaned its Asian heritage, contemporaries, leadership and membership. The journey never ends (nothing is ever fully resolved), but I sense in us, white and POC, a real appetite for the discomfort that may craft exactly the courage, wisdom and compassion we need. We might yet make a gift of our wounded hearts.

My White Awareness study group and Dharma Consult Group and impromptu friendships have all offered true Sangha within the larger CDL Sangha. I am forever indebted to my Dharma colleagues who, without imposition or demand, offered their authentic vulnerability and through their example made it safe for me to do the same. How often must I be reminded of the generosity implicit in the simple act of normalizing our private suffering?

The larger CDL Sangha has and continues to not only teach me precious Dharma but you have inspired me with demonstrations of profound courage, surprising talents (!) and excellent humor.

Putting the Leader in Community Dharma Leaders Program

She who said she did want to teach the Dharma is now teaching the Dharma.

Three reasons: 1) it was assigned homework (see “rule following” bit above). 2) I love the Dharma and this love is only growing (see “Dharma” bit above). And 3) to my surprise, I have a natural and easy love for those who want to practice and learn the Dharma. The authentic interest of those who come to hear the Dharma has touched my heart in a way I didn’t see coming. I genuinely love the Sangha that keeps showing up (especially after I give a rather sucky talk the week prior).

In contrast to other leadership situations (professional and otherwise), offering leadership in a Dharma context has held me accountable and yet supported such that I am becoming a better leader. The tools of the Dharma simply can’t be far away when that is the subject of my leadership. Less defended, much more available to criticism without collapsing, I am more willing to be contented with the goodness that is present, albeit incomplete.

Like the Dharma and the Community, the Leader part is also actively evolving. In such demanding times, I am grateful for this CDL experience, with so many resources to call and friendships on which I can rely.

55 Putting the Program in Community Dharma Leaders Program

Since committing myself to this path, I admit that there have been times when I questioned whether I was in the right tradition. When I run up against some of the habits in Western Insight, insistence on equanimity at the cost of justice, the focus on feeling good over doing good, the fear of making waves while others drown, the subtle primacy of personal comfort over authentic compassion, in these times I wonder if I should get my ass into a place that starts with justice instead of considering that it might make for a good Dharma topic a few times a year.

Yet the tenor and content of this program, as the Insight Tradition’s official leadership training, encourages me to stay right where I am. Under the leadership of majority teachers of color and surrounded by nearly 40% participants of color, we seem to have at least some of the juicy challenge we need. Imperfectly delivered, imperfectly received, imperfectly practiced, the past two years in this CDL program have been perfect. Of course it could have been better; we are not the end of the story!

I am exceedingly grateful to the Gina, Larry, Eugene, Pam, Erin, DaRa, Sebene and Diane for putting their great hearts and minds to work in our behalf. As no exception to its own teaching, Western Buddhism is itself changing. This program is very much part of that evolution.

Epilogue: The Context for Our Leadership

What does it mean to lead in the Dharma in 2017? I wonder that to myself often and so will share here some of my ponderings.

The refrain of “dangerous times’ has increased in frequency and intensity over the last several months. Yet it’s not clear that the progressive Left has what it takes to effectively respond to rising fascism on scale.

As a kind of allergic reaction to anything that hints of organized religion, the modern Left has for the most part been operating absent any notion of soul. Terrorized, with good reason, by the massive social and individual crimes committed by institutionalized theologies, we seemed to have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Our insistence on a purely material view of the cosmos, constrained to only that which can be proven by scientific and economic reduction and measurement to exist, has robbed us our connection to a much wider, mysterious and more beautiful view of ourselves and our belonging in the unfolding cosmos. The dominant narrative where nothing of ourselves exists beyond our individual bodies and lifetimes pervades and deeply informs our movement. Daunted by the enormity of the challenge before us and lacking a story that can contextualize our frustrations and inspire our sacrifices, we often tear one another apart. The progressive work for social and ecological sustainability systematically thwarts its own progress and lacks the essential nutrients to sustain itself.

56 With its insights into the causes of true well-being and the widest possible view of self, with an understanding of ourselves as possessing of Buddha nature and yet terribly vulnerable to reactivity and clouded by conditioning, with an awareness that all views of reality are constructed and thereby constrained, with practices that help us discern both internally- and externally-manufactured fake news, with the means for systematically strengthening our capacity for compassion, I believe the Dharma offers critical counterpoint to the soulless narrative and the means to stay human in an increasingly dehumanizing world.

“Buddhism is wanted and needed in this movement and we have much to contribute.” I concur and look forward to whatever collaborations, direct and indirect, might arise from this beautiful CDL5 Sangha.

May all places be held sacred. May all beings be cherished. May all injustices of enslavement, oppression and devaluation be righted, remedied and healed.

May those captured by hatred be freed to the love that is their birthright. May those bound by fear be released to the safety of understanding. May those weighed down by grief be given over to the joy of being. May those lost in delusion find clarity in the path of wisdom.

May all wounds to forests, rivers, deserts, oceans, may all wounds to Mother Earth be lovingly restored to bountiful health. May all beings everywhere delight in birdsong and blue sky. May all beings abide in peace and well-being, awaken and be free.

Huda Jadallah CDL-5 March 2017 Homework

Personal accomplishments:

My accomplishments during the CDL-5 program can be understood in terms of the merit, or goodness, that I have brought forth into the world. Both my sitting practice and householder practice have deepened over the past two years through the program. The merit of my deepened practice can be witnessed most intensely in the impact upon my immediate family. The goodness has then rippled out from them so that they have been able to positively impact those in their wider circles. In this way the merit of my deepened practice is rippling out in the universe.

My understanding of the dharma is also much stronger and I am applying the dharma to my daily life which is bringing much goodness into the world. As I am aware of my interconnectedness with all beings, much difficulty which is based in delusion slips away and there is less suffering for myself and those I am interacting with. Additionally, my work in a

57 CDL-5 practicum both leading and teaching the Alphabet Sangha at East Bay Meditation Center brings goodness into the world. As I transmit the dharma through my teachings and guide the sangha in meditation, I am creating merit for the people in the Alphabet Sangha, which in turn will spread beyond them.

CDL-5 Group Accomplishments:

The CDL-5 cohort has created much merit through our collective presence as a warm and supportive sangha. We have built relationships that are wholesome and that will extend beyond the time that CDL-5 officially exists. Our sangha shares in our joys and has sustained us and will continue to sustain us through our sorrows. We have been present for each other as a community during tough times. We have educated each other and helped each other grow in the areas of social justice and equity for disabled people, people of color and the elderly. Additionally, white members of CDL-5 came together to educate, learn, and grow around the issue of white privilege. We all came together with wise intention, wise effort, and wise action which has led to more freedom for people in our cohort. This freedom has then extended outward towards other people in western buddhist communities, and has then extended beyond western buddhist communities in a ripple effect.

March 2017 homework—René Rivera

What have you personally accomplished during your time in CDL5? ● Unbelievable personal transformation ● Taking the teaching seat at Alphabet Sangha (EBMC) ● Co-teaching the Alphabet sit 5 times with my dharma sibs in the Alphabet practicum group ● Served on Spirit Rock board and chair of the Diversity Working Group ● Led the process to create Spirit Rock´s Diversity Equity and Inclusion plan: http://spiritrock.org/about/diversity-DEI-plan ● Lead role in moving the Spirit Rock board and GTC to approve the POC Teacher Training ● Significant leadership development within my own organization, and creating of a statement of values for equity and social justice: https://bikeeastbay.org/statement- values-equity-and-social-justice ● Supported my board to self-educate about whiteness and racism using the CDL5 curiculum as a model

What do you feel that we have accomplished as a whole group in CDL5? ● Organized to support the approval of the POC Teacher Training at Spirit Rock ● Created the whiteness and racism curiculum and self organized with majority participation by white CDL5 participants ● So much merit and sangha built over this two years!!

58 Whitney Reed CDL Personal Merit Ahhh I am deeply grateful for every breath, moment and person in the CDL program.

This may sound like a big sugar coated spiritual bypass but it is TRUE and sincere. There is not an ounce of frosted sugar coating on this statement.

The CDL program transformed my life and I feel nothing but appreciation for the adventure.

1) This program provoked a deeper and at times painful awareness of my inner stories, mindstates, views, and perceptions.

2) I noticed how my entire reality is shaped by my mind…I attribute this shift to the relational practices and group discussions. They served as a very large mirror to my ego and gave me insight around my blind spots as well as projections.

3) On the first retreat during the first chanting of the precepts I felt the cells of my body vibrate in memory of the dharma teachings. Tears came to my eyes and my heart area swelled with love. I feel this had to do with the sincerity of the groups practice around me. The experience renewed my sense of commitment to the dharma path and I carried this memory with me throughout the two years which helped me strengthen my own practice. (Although there were many obstacles and tramatic occurance during this retreat that inhibited me from showing up as attentively as I would have liked I still felt a strong commitment in my heart to this work.)

4) One of the greatest teachings that I recieved from this retreat was that I learned how to tranform my meditation practice to a relational construct as oppose to a sitting construct. This lesson minimized the duality between talking, interacting and a silent retreat practice.

5) On an emotional level I noticed over the course of the two years that I felt progressively more comfortable speaking truthfully about what I was feeling in relation to others. This could also be defined as laying boundaries when I felt they needed to be laid.

6) Then last but not least…The people I met and connected with during this program I will appreciate for the rest of my life. I will always be grateful for these new friendships and see a deep value in the bonds that were formed.

CDL Group Merit If CDL was one complete organism or a united being I would analyze the merit as such.

1) The CDL program broke down delluded perceptions, beliefs, or opinions that create separations and prejudes in our world.

2) CDL got very HONEST about power, sex, money, fear, trauma, racial issues, feminism in ways that no other Dharma construct has.

3) CDL helped minorities from the confines of societies normal oppressive cycles by granting them a voice and power in the Dharma world.

4) CDL created bonds and community amoungst many sincere dharma practitioners and leaders.

As far a the transformation with my personal group…

1) At first I felt judged for being white and for my up bringing. I didn’t feel comfortable being honest especially when it came to finacnces. I also felt like I should apologize all the time. Yet towards the end I realized that I needed to be myself and that I was projecting stories of rejection onto the group.