Sportp30-32 Noughties reviewedp13-15 Featuresp20 Varsity match As the first decade of the new millenium draws Britain’s finest preview: profiling the to a close, we look over the cultural triumphs of stage actor Simon players and weighing the naughty years Russell Beale on up our odds for ‘chutzpah’ and the Twickenham need to be directed

Friday November 27th 2009 e Independent Student Newspaper since 1947 Issue no 708 | varsity.co.uk

BEATRICE RAMSAY Trinity steps in to New VC nominated save popular post » Top medical scientist set to be 345th Vice-Chancellor office

the College’s academic and scientifi c Emma Mustich development, focusing especially on Jenny Morgan News Editor fostering interdisciplinary research Associate Editor between medicine and other science subjects.

COLLEGE ProfessorCOLLEGE Sir Leszek Borysiewicz Born in Wales, Borysiewicz has Trinity Street Post Offi ce has been has been nominated to replace Alison previously worked as Head of the saved from closure this Christmas Richard as Vice-Chancellor of the Department of Medicine at the Uni- after a last-minute intervention University. versity of Wales, and was Lecturer from Trinity College. If his nomination is approved by in Medicine at Cambridge from 1988 The historic post office had Regent House, Professor Borysiewicz to 1991. He is an Honorary Fellow of announced that it would be shut- will step into the University’s top role Wolfson College. ting the shop side of the business on on October 1st 2010, when Professor He was awarded his knighthood in December 11th, with the post offi ce Richard’s seven-year term ends. He the 2001 New Year’s Honours List, to follow suit on Christmas Eve. will be the University’s 345th Vice- in recognition of work that led to a Leaseholder James McNaughton Chancellor. vaccine which stops the growth of cer- had blamed the expected closure on Professor Borysiewicz is cur- vical cancer. the £20,000 a year rent charged by rently Chief Executive of the Medical Of his nomination, Professor owners Trinity College. Research Council (MRC), and holds, Borysiewicz commented: “I am However, as part of a wider com- among other posts, a Fellowship at excited by the opportunity to build mitment to the support of small the Academy of Medical Sciences, on Cambridge’s strong tradition of businesses in the area, Trinity Col- of which he was a founder. Before academic excellence in both teaching lege have stepped in to save the post taking his job at the MRC, he served and research. I will be sad to leave the offi ce. as Deputy Rector of Imperial College Medical Research Council but I am Senior Bursar Rory Landman said London, where he was in charge of proud to have helped the MRC write that the College had been “disap- the next chapter in its long and suc- pointed” at the news of the projected cessful history of improving human closure: “it is an important facility health through the impact of its excel- for this part of the City and we make lent research.” extensive use of it ourselves.” Professor Alison Richard has held The post offi ce will remain open the post of Vice-Chancellor since 2003, for the next few months under when she became the fi rst woman to temporary management. In the hold the full-time role. She came to the meantime a numer of alternative job from her former post as Yale Uni- properties in the vicinity are being versity Provost. considered as possible sites for long Of Professor Borysiewicz’s nomina- term relocation. tion, she said: “Professor Borysiewicz A more comprehensive statement is an outstanding scholar with an of the measures Trinity plans to take impressive record of achievement and is expected to be released soon. leadership at the highest level. I wish him the very best in the role and will hand over the Vice-Chancellorship next October confi dent that Cam- Charlotte bridge can look forward to continued Dallaglio: “They will go well” success as he leads it into the future.” orld cup-winning England rugby Number 8 Lawrence Dallaglio Runcie Speaking to Varsity last year, Wvisited The Eagle pub on Wednesday night to promote next year’s Guardian student 7 Richard said of leaving her post as ‘Dallaglio cycle slam’, a 2877km charity bike ride from Rome to Edin- Maximum length, in years, of a Vice- Vice-Chancellor: “I don’t think about burgh. He stayed late into the evening to chat rugby, sign autographs columnist of Chancellor’s term of office legacies. I focus my attention on the and have pictures taken with fans. Dallaglio also asked fellow pub-goers the year on institution, not on how I’m thought to read about his charity efforts at dallagliofoundation.com. Regarding Twilight and of.” She also expressed the hope that the upcoming Varsity match, he predicted that Blues captain Dan Vick- tweens she would leave Cambridge with “its erman’s “huge experience could prove crucial”, and that “Cambridge, as 1412 ambitions high, its confi dence intact, the underdogs looking to regain the MMC trophy, may have that edge. Year the University’s first Vice-Chancellor [and] its fl ags fl ying.” They will go well”. RAMESH NADARAJAH See p30-31 for full preview. was appointed p10 2 Friday November 27th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Varsity scoops six prizes at the Guardian ‘Town Takeover’ in Cambridge In Brief Student Media Awards Decca Muldowney and Andrew to sign a pledge promising to vote Varsity News Spyrou were also nominated, for Jessica King against a hike in top up fees and to Finances: only the Best Feature Writer and Best Music Reporter pressure the Government to find an prudent survive? Critic respectively. alternative. Varsity celebrated six prizes and two The judging panel included Yesterday, anti-fee protestors ‘took On Sunday, a YouGov poll revealed The recipe for the perfect finan- further nominations at the Guardian Jon Snow, Evan Davis, Polly over’ Cambridge. A demonstration, that just 12 per cent think the review cial trader has been revealed by Student Media Awards on Wednes- Toynbee, and Guardian editor Alan overseen by Anglia Ruskin students, should even consider raising fees. research from the University of day night. Rusbridger. circulated the town with balloons, Cambridge. Several years of Winners were Ben Riley-Smith Varsity was the most successful signs, and megaphones. experience, combined with (Best Sports Writer), Zing Tsjeng newspaper at this year’s Awards, The event was part of a nation- profit sharing incentives and (Best Feature Writer), Charlotte and Patrick Kingsley is the first wide series of ‘Town Takeovers’ the right hormonal levels create Runcie (Best Columnist), Robert Cambridge student to win the organised by the NUS in aid of the the best most profitable traders, Peal (Runner-up Columnist), Mikey coveted award for best Student ‘Funding our Future’ campaign. according to the study. Aggres- Stothard (Best Reporter), and Journalist since the category was Other ‘Takeovers’ have been held in sive risk-taking, however, may Patrick Kingsley, who was named established in 2001. Liverpool, Bristol, and Newcastle. not be as central to successful Student Journalist of the Year. The Cambridge demonstrators trading as has been thought. performing a number of public- The males who took bigger risks ity stunts throughout Cambridge. were exposed to bigger losses, Their route ran from East Road according to the study, and to Parkers Piece, via St Andrews, therefore were less effective in Sidney Street, Green Street, Trinity the long term than their more Street, Kings Parade, Queens’ Lane, prudent counterparts. Silver Street, and Queens’ Green. In addition to the ‘Takeover’, a Antarctic debate with local political leaders on the issue was held in the evening at Twittermania the Law Faculty. Researchers at the Univer- In London, the campaign has sity of Cambridge’s Scott Polar gathered increasing support from Research Institute have started Westminster; 60 MPs from diverse blogging and tweeting Captain Hero of the hour Patrick Kingsley mobbed by Varsity team political parties were persuaded ‘Town Takeover’ on Queens’ Green Robert Falcon Scott’s diary entries, written exactly 99 years ago. Started yesterday, Name Xchange for Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race the entries will follow Scott’s ill-fated final expedition across » 156-year-old Varsity competition is latest victim of Oxbridge commercialisation Antarctica and are timed to coincide with the centenary of with mixed responses from Last year ITV decided not to renew the trip. The idea is to allow Matthew Symington Cambridge’s rowing commu- their contract with the Boat Race modern readers to relate more Senior Reporter nity. Many feel that the renaming Company Ltd. easily with what the group were undermines the integrity of one Speaking to Varsity, 2009 Blues going through. Captain Scott of Britain’s oldest and most iconic rower and current trialist Hardy and his team died on the journey The Varsity Boat Race will now sporting events. Cubasch spoke of the “true honour” back from the South Pole in be known as ‘The Xchanging Boat Nick Gates, Men’s Captain of it was to row in the “historic and 1912. Race’ after the business processing Queens’ College Boat Club, said: “I’m iconic event”. company which has sponsored the personally not a big fan of it, and I He continued: ‘“In modern times event for five years. doubt many others are. It has always though, the resources required For sale: a little piece The sporting event, which began been called ‘The Boat Race’, I’m not throughout the season and on Boat of horsey history in 1829, will take place in April sure why that had to change.” Race day are extensive. It is only A lock of mane from Copenha- next year for the 156th time, with The renaming comes at a time of through partnerships that both the gen, the horse that the Duke Xchanging branding featuring worry over the commercial influence CUBC and OUBC have been able to of Wellington rode into battle prominently on the new event logo on Cambridge’s academic institu- support their students to the levels at Waterloo, was on sale at a and along the Tideway course from tions. Protests were voiced two we are so fortunate to enjoy. fine arts auction in Cambridge Putney to Mortlake. weeks ago after it emerged that the “In an ideal world, with the yesterday. Copenhagen not only Xchanging announced the renam- opportunity to rename the Univer- passionate and close knit student carried the Duke to victory ing in a press statement released sity Library was to be sold to the and alumni community that both against Napoleon in 1815, but on November 19th. David Andrews, highest bidder. And last week music our clubs share, perhaps it would be was also ridden to the door of 10 founder and CEO of the company, students expressed their concern possible that one day we ourselves, Downing Street when Welling- said: “We are pleased and honoured over the Music Faculty’s decision through our own resources, could ton became Prime Minister in to assume title sponsorship of to rent the West Road Concert Hall find a way to preserve and nurture 1828. Far from cuddly however, an event that typifies the best to Kingsgate Community Evangeli- an event we treasure so much. he reportedly tried to kick of sportsmanship and competi- cal Church, a move which would “However, until that day, finding Wellington in the head as he tive intensity... Xchanging draws restrict the availability of the hall for partners that respect the heritage of gave him a post-battle pat. strength and inspiration from the Cambridge University musicians. the Boat Race is our next best option When he died at the grand age determined example of the Oxford It is thought that the decision to and will allow the event to go forward of 29 he was given a funeral with and Cambridge crews.” allow the Boat Race to be renamed as a highlight on the University and full military honours. However, the news was greeted was made due to financial difficulties. international sporting calendar.” The 1870 Boat Race

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Editors Stringer Peal & Avon T-bag Trench [email protected] AssociAtE Editors Gabby Morgan [email protected] & Laura Sonic Rolfcopter [email protected] NEws Editors Avanoflife Chilkoti, Emma Must-stick to facts & lil’ Beth [email protected] commENt Editor St. Paul Hitchens [email protected] sport Editors Guayabito Caiger-Smith & Oliverio del Occidente [email protected] FEAturEs Editor Zing Angel-wings Sing [email protected] Arts Editor Laura 6am RP Freeman [email protected] thEAtrE Editor Looney Cooney [email protected] rEviEws & ListiNgs Editor Paul Snapper Smith [email protected] FAshioN Editors Charlie Lyonnaise, Quarter Back Joe & Heretic Prendergast [email protected] 52 Trumpington Street Cambridge CB2 1RG sENior rEportErs Lovely smile Gatzen, lil’ Anna, Hamas Mackreath, Gemma Okey-dokey & Sergeant Symington [email protected] sciENcE corrEspoNdENts Not-Sita Dinanauth & Fake Tan science@ varsity.co.uk Food & driNk Editors Baby-T Iqbal [email protected] thEAtrE critics Charlie Brooker, Sexy Dean, Motor Kerr, JMass, Jemima Puddleduck, Funny Onion Reynolds & Alasdair Mate theatrecritic@ varsity.co.uk music critics Choirboy Henderson, Tom Paine & Ragged Morelli [email protected] JAzz critic Jazzy Jonny FiLm critics Occasional Garner & Moustache Sharpe [email protected] visuAL Arts critic Flo FREE CHELSEA BUN Rider [email protected] cLAssicAL music critic Guido Fawkes [email protected] LitErAry critic T. S. Eliot D’Silva [email protected] With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop OR vArsitv Editors Richard inter-faith Pearson & Fred inter-war Rowson [email protected] dEputy vArsitv Editors Phillipa Garner & Surfer Young [email protected] oNLiNE Editor Max Raleigh-Reckless Smithwick chiEF sub-Editor Jimmy Suburbia Subways Subbuteo sub-Editors King Arthur, Mad Dog Leung & Angela off-to-the-Union Scarsbrook [email protected] dEsigNEr Spenny-D [email protected] dEsigN FREE MORNING coNsuLtANt MD plc COFFEE/TEA busiNEss & AdvErtisiNg mANAgEr Michael Derringer [email protected] boArd oF dirEctors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Mr (9am-12pm) Elliot Ross, Mr Patrick Kingsley (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal & Mr Christopher Adriaanse With any cake or pastry in the restaurant

NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. on presentation of this voucher RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2009 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise up 87.2% of the raw and proof of student status material for UK without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. ISSN 1758-4442 newspapers in 2008 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday November 27th 2009 3 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS KCL students spotted swimming naked in Cam » Members of KCL Boat Club cause disruption on ‘Spy Who Ginned Me’ tour

initiation during which the fresher a bottle of gin with you. this [sic] is Stephanie Howard-Smith rowers, of both sexes, were instructed the most important. Doesn’t matter Reporter to strip naked and swim in the River which type but bare [sic] in mind you Cam in the early afternoon in front will probably be drinking it.” of onlookers, including families on The weekend was, according to the Naked students from King’s College punting trips. KCLBC’s message boards, a riotous London (KCL) caused serious Older club members on the trip success, with one of the touring party, disruption at the Anchor pub and then, according to the barman at the posting as “Juniper Girl”, lauding the along the Cam near Scudamore’s this Mill Pub, ran off with their discarded “great banter” on the part of the past Sunday afternoon. clothes while the newest members freshers, their willingness to partici- A group of approximately 30 were still in the river. pate and praising “A great weekend rowers from the King’s College After their refreshing dip in the all round!”. London Boat Club (KCLBC), all of Cam, the swimmers decamped to On Tuesday night, KCLBC Captain whom were reportedly intoxicated, the Anchor pub, some of them still Tom Webb posted the following to were visiting the city on a weekend- naked. Staff there reported that a KCLBC’s website: “Clearly, some of long mini-tour titled ‘The Spy Who large group took over the entire our number were spotted by the Spy Ginned Me’. establishment, leaving their large kit Who Ginned Me. The climax of the tour featured an bags covering all the seating, alleg- “Although I was not in Cambridge edly making it impossible to take in Members of KCLBC take a dip in the Cam near the Anchor on Sunday, I haven’t heard of any customers for two hours. complaints during the tour, whether According to one member of staff, The King’s College London Boat traditions of success and socials.” on the water or at the Anchor. the rowers became increasingly Club (which also incorporates The Club’s annual Cambridge “I would hope that any misde- “rowdy” despite the manager’s best members of Guys, King’s and St mini-tour is considered a highlight meanours be taken in good humour attempts to avoid confl ict. Eventu- Thomas’ Hospitals) describes itself as of the year, serving as “a chance for and that any transgressions of good ally, it was made clear to the group “a friendly and dynamic club” formed the squad to bond”, and includes fi rst grace be put in perspective. that they would “not be welcome in 1997. It is “one of the largest and years, other members, and some “We hope to be back next year in again”, at which point they were most successful sports clubs at King’s alumni, known as the “Junipers”. fi ner fettle than ever. Needless to invited to leave, and eventually and each year [invites] oarsmen and Freshers were instructed by the say, I apologise for any offence taken. vacated the premises. women of all abilities to join our Club’s “Fresher Captains” to “bring None was intended.”

Mandelson’s “sinister” new proposal to diversify top universities

exclude them”. Claire Gatzen However, CUSU said it did not Senior Reporter support the plans. Joe Farish, Great offers CUSU’s Access Offi cer, said: “The Government plans to force Oxbridge admissions process is fair and trans- to accept more working-class pupils parent and looks at potential as well for Students have been attacked by CUSU and as ability. I don’t think that this the heads of leading state and private proposal is the way forward.” schools. The University gave a more Earlier this month, Business, measured response. A spokesman Innovation and Skills Secretary told Varsity: “Cambridge already Sony DSC-W180 Digital Camera Sony NWZ-B143R Walkman MP3 Player Peter Mandelson proposed reforms has processes in place to take into Slim and light with smart styling and easy-to-use features Ultra compact 4GB (1000 songs) Walkman® MP3 to the way in which ‘elite univer- account the type of contextual data 10.1 megapixels, 3x optical zoom, 2.7” LCD and Smile Shutter Player with Bass Boost sities’ such as Cambridge select which would inform about impedi- 5% off on Sony Cybershot Digital Cameras* 5% off on Sony Walkman® MP3 Players* * Valid Student ID is must candidates. ments to a student’s exam results * Valid Student ID is must Only But Andrew Grant, chairman of SAVE Only the Headmasters’ and Headmis- £40 Normally £39.99 £139.99 £99.99 tresses’ Conference of 250 elite Also available in silver & black private schools, called the proposal “sinister”. Sony DSC-W270 Digital Camera Sony NWZ-B1060B Walkman MP3 Player He said: “There is a danger that, Compact and stylish, with powerful, easy to use shooting functions 32GB Walkman® MP3 / MP4 Player if Lord Mandelson exerts political 12.1 megapixels, 5x optical zoom/28mm wide angle, HD movie 5% off on Sony Walkman® MP3 Players* * Valid Student ID is must and fi nancial pressure to bring about 5% off on Sony Cybershot Digital Cameras* Only these changes, he will subvert the * Valid Student ID is must excellence of our universities. We Only £289.99 Only are all in favour of discovering talent, £189.99 Sony NWZ-X1050B but the talent has to be there.” Also available in silver, black & red £219.99 The new Framework for Higher Education rests on the policy Sony ICF-C7i Digital Clock Radio Sony SRS-GU10 iPod Docking Station Mandelson: more proposals Wake up to your favourite radio show with the FM / AM tuner 20W iPhone/iPod® speaker dock with remote control that A-level results alone should iPod / iPhone 3G clock radio with remote control, dual alarm, dock / charge not determine entry to univer- 5% off on Sony Walkman® MP3 Players* sity. Lord Mandelson has ordered – such as an underperforming school * Valid Student ID is must 5% off on Sony Digital Clock Radios* “remedial action” to widen access – through the Cambridge Special * Valid Student ID is must to Cambridge, whereby admis- Application Scheme. Only Only sions tutors must make greater “Cambridge makes strenuous £69.99 £99.99 use of “contextual data” to ensure efforts to attract the most promis- iPod / iPhone are registered trademarks of Apple Inc. iPod / iPhone are registered trademarks of Apple Inc. that pupils from underperforming ing students, whatever their iPod / iPhone is not included. Picture only for illustration. iPod / iPhone is not included. Picture only for illustration. schools are not excluded. background, and we are constantly This “contextual data” includes exploring new and better ways in information concerning the student’s which to do this.” Cambridge: 16 Lion Yard Shopping Centre. Tel:- 01223 351 135 social background, parental educa- Martin Stephen, High Master of Click and reserve or buy online at: www.sonycentres.co.uk/cambridge tion and overall potential. the independent St Paul’s School, Lord Mandelson also encouraged pointed out that the plans risked admissions tutors to lower the entry “punishing children who have done requirements for working-class well”. He added, “This is poten- ‘Sony’, ‘make.believe’, ‘Sony Centre’, ‘Walkman’, ‘Cybershot’ are trademarks or registered trademarks of Sony Corporation. BBC iPlayer is trademark of British Broadcasting Corporation. pupils by a minimum of two A-level tially one of the most dangerous All prices correct at time of going to press. E & O.E. * Valid student photo ID is must to avail the offers. All pictures are for illustration purposes only. Operated by: Shasonic Centres grades, arguing that “simple assess- pronouncements I have heard ment based on A-level results might – ever.” 4 Friday November 27th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Cambridge student attacked in Russia College Chefs’ Competition: » Irish student Christopher Connolly hit three times on head with hammer winners announced but has pleaded not guilty. nationals within Russia. The British “We moved the competition venue James Wilson Mr Connolly had been in the city, Foreign & Commonwealth Office Tim Waters to the Guildhall to fit more,” said Reporter the administrative centre of the advises that “although the great Reporter Robert Lee, one of the committee Krasnodar Krai region located on majority of visitors experience no members for the event, who sees the Kuban River, to improve his difficulties, there has been a sub- the 800th Anniversary as a “plat- A 20-year-old Cambridge Univer- language skills and give private stantial increase in the number of Thursday 26th saw the prize giving form” for the future: the boosted sity student was taken to hospital on English lessons. attacks on foreign nationals, espe- of the Cambridge 800th Anniversary entry for this year should carry over Saturday following an assault in the Although employees at the Irish cially in large urban areas.” Culinary Competition, where the to the next. south Russian city of Krasnodar. Embassy in Moscow were on strike Krasnodar saw an escalation in university catering staff put their The momentum for the compe- The student, Christopher Con- violent racially-motivated hate cooking to the test in a fierce con- tition to develop is particularly nolly, originally from Ireland, said in crime in 2004, when 34 people were test. Sidney Sussex staff carried the tim johns a police statement that he was hit on assaulted. However, this number day as Best in Show, with Emman- the head three times with a hammer had fallen to 2 by 2008. The Mayor, uel, Girton, Christ’s and Pembroke by a local resident. Vladimir Evlanov, proposed in also giving strong showings. An Interior Ministry press offi- January 2009 the creation of an Particularly impressive were the cial told The Irish Times on Tuesday interdepartmental commission for multiple awards racked up by – that, “according to a statement pro- crime prevention “in order to reduce among others – Oliver Prince and vided by the victim, who is currently crime, ensure citizens’ safety” and Matthew Carter of Emmanuel, who in hospital, there was an altercation promote the “effectiveness of local won recognition in four and three between him and the accused on Red Street, Krasnodar government”. categories respectively; Matthew Saturday in a garage in the Yubilee Russia has been plagued by high Carter also led Emmanuel’s winning region of the city.” on this week in support of up to crime rates for a number of years. team in 2006. Police have said that “the reason 250,000 Irish public sector workers Between 1988 and 1994 the homi- Other notable results included for the altercation is not yet clear.” protesting over government pay cide rate more than tripled, placing that of Paul Davis, the Head Butler According toYuga.ru, a local cuts, they confirmed that the Irish it amongst the highest in the world. of Christ’s, who walked away Russian internet news portal, a Ambassador was investigating the Last week, Bill Browder, once the bedecked with prizes including first Queens’ wins ‘Live Cookery’ category 21-year-old local resident, Daniel situation. leading foreign investor in Russia, place in the front-of-house contest. Korotchenko, is now in custody. He The incident comes following stated that he believed the coun- The annual competition, which has been charged with ‘deliberate fears in recent years of attacks spe- try had now turned into what was was re-formed four years ago, is important: its predecessor, the infliction of grievous bodily harm’ cifically against tourists and foreign “essentially a criminal state”. growing in popularity. A record 16 Stewards’ Cup, collapsed 20 years kitchens around Cambridge took ago partly because of its insularity. part this year, with 72 chefs and nine Fellows would judge their college front-of-house staff entering, com- catering staff based on their per- pared to 47 chefs from 15 kitchens sonal satisfaction with the food Be part of journalism’s future at its conception in 2006. Davis com- rather than a professional culinary mented that the competition was judging. “going from strength to strength”, In contrast to this the new event the next decade heralds a new dawn. Print’s out; web and broadcast are in, and although he expressed regret that aims to diversify, with new live cook- hackery faces its biggest makeover since Caxton invented type. And you – yes, many Colleges still held back from ing competitions and a petite fours entering, generally on the grounds competition introduced for 2009, and you – can be a part of the revolution right here at the award-winning Varsity. of being “too busy”. sponsors promoting more esoteric That’s right: our fledgling new media arms – VarsiTV and Varsity Online – are This year’s 800th Anniversary categories. looking for new talent. was a helpful boost for publicity as “It’s good fun. It definitely makes the competition’s popularity reached your cooking improve,” said Davis We want to hear from anyone who’s a record high. of the competition’s diversity. interested in 24-hour news, and who Shit hits the fan in ARU housing dispute thinks they might be a dab hand at either manipulating the moving image or ARU doesn’t seem to care.” embracing the web. We want Varsity to Darragh Connell Speaking to Varsity this week, Reporter Steve Bennett, Anglia Ruskin’s Sec- be more than just the world’s greatest retary and Director of Estates and weekly paper; we want to be a volcano Facilities Services, explained that A bitter row between Cambridge given the private landlord-tenant of round-the-clock journalistic residents and Anglia Ruskin (ARU) relationship subsisting on Tiverton activity. students culminated this week in the Way, the University can do little to sending of a package of excrement intervene. We’re on the hunt for tV to a member of Anglia Ruskin’s While the Tiverton Estate Action housing staff. Group is meeting to discuss the reporters, camerapeople, The dispute concerns The Forum, issues fully in the coming days, producers, newsreaders, editors, an accommodation complex on it is clear that there has been an Tiverton Way on the outskirts of unseemly escalation in the dispute. soundmen; online editors, sub- Cambridge. The Forum had for a A package of excrement was editors, bloggers, designers, long time been used as sheltered recently posted through the letter- web-techies. accommodation for the elderly. But box of a member of Anglia Ruskin’s recently, Anglia Ruskin students Housing Staff on account of the began renting the accommoda- Tiverton Way debacle. Threats to so get applying. Absolutely tion from a private landlord. There the member of staff’s children were no experience necessary. are now 109 students in the flat also made. complex. Mr. Bennett confirmed that two Be part of the future. Local residents are complaining Anglia Ruskin students had alleg- of general anti-social behaviour, edly brought the University into disruption in the early hours of the disrepute on account of the housing Email: morning, and increased traffic in row, and said that those students [email protected] for the area. It is also alleged that food would go through “the proper Uni- more information. waste was dumped in an elderly res- versity disciplinary process.” ident’s garden after she complained Mr. Bennett commented that the about excessive noise. member of staff who received the No Cambridge University stu- mailed excrement and child threats dents are involved in the dispute. “had been considerably shaken Indeed, a local resident, Ellis Hall, up” by the threats. The matter commented: “If this was happening has been reported to the Cam- to Cambridge University they would bridgeshire Police, who were unable be down on it like a ton of bricks but to comment. » Chris Lillycrop steps down over Graduate Union difficulties

News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday November 27th 2009 5 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS

News Feature The curse of the drinking classes » Rise in booze-related violence threatens swapping culture

At the drinking-society staple One society member was similarly ended the swapping culture there. Old Court, the Oldest Court in the Varsity News the Mahal, however, other students unimpressed. “It’s an environment The increase in such incidents University. The incident, which have been injured as a result of which allows you to act like a child is worrying for Drinking Society occurred last week, followed warn- alcohol-fuelled indiscretions. Sev- so it’s not surprising that boundar- members. ing from the JCR and Dean over the eral female students were hurt after ies are crossed,” he said. “I enjoy going out, and meeting “disgusting” state of the bar and the Cambridge’s swapping culture has being hit by plates and platters, “Once one drinking society does different people, and for me swaps extensive presence of vomit in bed- been marred by a series of unusual which were thrown across the room. one thing,the other feels they have are about a group of friends having rooms and communal areas. After and violent episodes in the last In one incident, a girl required med- to up the. I just think this Big-Dick fun,” said Alice Beardmore-Gray, no group claimed responsibility, the term. ical attention after being hit, and the culture needs to stopand people president of the Caius Cupids. I college responded by banning stu- Several incidents, which include don’t think that rude or violent dent access to the bar after serving plate-throwing, punch-ups and AlASTAIR AppleTON behaviour is normally a problem, hours. vandalism, have resulted in police and when it is, it is largely due to a At Magdalene, official policy involvement and hospitalisation. few individuals who would no doubt states that “gatherings of drinking College authorities have responded cause trouble whether they were on societies (sometimes euphemisti- to the events by curtailing student a swap or not” she said. cally referred to as ‘dining’ societies) privileges, whilst members have “As a medic I managed to make are not permitted anywhere on Col- risen to the defence of Drinking (nearly) all my 9am lectures last lege property”. As well pennying, it Societies. year without missing a Cindies, as is forbidden to make “speeches or In the most recent incident, on well as getting involved in other toasts, to bang tables or to sing” in Tuesday, a punch-up at Cindies areas of Cambridge life”. Hall. Rulebreakers, the policy says, lead to one student being knocked For many college authorities, “shall be punished with appropriate unconscious, when a verbal alterca- however, an association between severity.” tion between the “Clare Cunts” and drinking societies and misbehaviour “The particular society styling another party was followed with a has lead to the prohibition of swaps itself the Wyverns has, since midway violent confrontation. and, in some cases, the total pro- through last year, been banned from One witness blamed the incident scription of drinking societies. conducting initiation ceremonies partly on swaps. “Intercollegiate Misbehaviour following swaps, anywhere at all, i.e. including off violence is accentuated by the including damaged property, prolific college premises,” added Dr Roger culture of drinking societies in Cam- vomiting and rudeness to staff, lead O’Keefe, the college Dean. bridge,” he said. to the closure of Pembroke’s bar Corpus’ Head Porter, however, The incident follows an assault on three weeks ago, and a ban on all said his “experience has been very two female swappers during a week male drinker, who threw the plate, need to concentrate on just having swaps in Formal Hall was imposed good. We know the drinking society, four swap at Gardies. The attacker, faced disciplinary action from his fun on swaps,” another added. this week. Disciplinary measures we know they drink a lot and some- a PhD student in The Alverton’s college. Similar problems have hit col- against individuals were also taken. times do silly things, but they’ve got sporting society, was angered by an “People from drinking societ- leges. In week three, a drunken race Corpus Christi saw a similar a good angle on it,” he said. dispute over table bookings and has ies are really good customers, very in Caius old courts was halted when “We can speak to them and moni- since been expelled from the drink- gentle, until they start drinking” the a fresher from a visiting society “This big-dick culture tor the situation. I know the police ing society, who were described by owners of the Mahal said. smashed a vestry window, inter- needs to stop and people think we shouldn’t allow it, but if eye witnesses as “lovely”. “Everyone knows what happens: rupting a choir audition and forcing we did that it would still go on, only The police attended the incident, shouting, throwing food which ends him to Addenbrookes for treatment. need to concentrate on underground. Academic issues are but left when no party decided to up on the ceilings and the walls, A second incident, in which an just having fun on swaps” dealt with by the tutorial system.” press charges. Spokesperson Emma sometimes even jumping on the unnamed Johnian urinated on the Drinking Society member CUSU welfare officer Amiya Harding said drinking society vio- tables. We can become angry as we college bar, resulted in both Caius Bhatia stressed that “colleges should lencewas not usually a concern. try and keep everything calm, but drinking societies being banned work with JCR/MCRs to devise “In the main the majority of because they are drunk, drinking from swapping in Hall. spate of carnage after a swap-heavy proactive measures to encourage drinking activity is on a Friday or societies are definitely more rowdy At John’s the ban on bringing wine Sunday, which resulted in two large responsible drinking, in order to bal- Saturday night,” she said. than other customers”. into the college’s hall has effectively chunks of stone disappearing from ance discipline with support.”

From the Archives: Drinking and thinking Cambridge & Chelmsford Cambridge & Chelmsford In 1951, it seems, student boozing was limited to staff parties. One Varsity writer describes turning “green with envy” at the sight of “a dozen crates FREE Eye Examinations of beer, four five gallon barrels and assorted bottles of rum, gin and sherry standing in the main hall of the biochemistry laboratories. Is this a sign atFREE Anglia Eye Ruskin Examinations University Eye Clinic of decadence?” they asked; inquires, however, proved the remains to be at Anglia Ruskin University Eye Clinic evidence “of an excellent staff party held on twelfth night.” The writers You will receive a comprehensive gleefully avow to head back to term “earlier next year.” eye examination where your Our sixties counterparts were far too concerned with race, gender and visionYou will will receive be tested a comprehensive and you class equality,to worry about the Mahal’s fancy-dress code. The scandal- willeye examinationbe screened wherefor various your vision will be tested and you ous aftermath of one 1963 party at Girton, however, included a broken eye diseases. We will also willadvise be you screened on looking for various after washbasin. In a front-page appeal for the responsible party, organiser Beth eyeyour diseases. vision. We will also Shaw said “there were 200 guests and about 30 gatecrashers” at her event, advise you on looking after where “the basin was discovered, with its bottom knocked out, just as they Contactyour vision. lens appointments are also available. were going home about ten-past eleven.” Contact lens appointments Things get rowdier in the eighties, with the Selwyn Sports Society dinner areWe alsooffer available. a full range of and its accompanying ‘banter’. The society is reported to have “decimated competitively priced frames, includingWe offer a a full wide range selection of of the dining room, leaving a sticky mixture of crème caramel and red wine designercompetitively and traditional priced frames, styles. trodden into the carpet. Next, to the bar, where there cacophanus boorish including a wide selection of chanting deafened averyone else; so much beer was spilt that the bar had to Bookdesigner your and free traditional eye test today styles. “Fools rush in”: absolute lad in the ’60s be closed for two days to be cleaned. Further carnage ensued; one member to take advantage of our special prices.Book your free eye test today was seen sitting in the flowerbeds, eating the master’s wife’s prize tulips.” The night ends, for one member, with a to take advantage of our special dousing from a fire extingisher, and a £300 fine from an unimpressed Dean. Theprices. clinic is open 9.00am to By the ‘90s sporting societies are established enough to merit a commentary. What, writes Ruth Musgrove in 5.00pm Monday–Thursday, 4.30pmThe clinic Friday. is open 9.00am to Michaelmas ’96, can persuade “these young men who look so dashing in lycra, and so handsome wielding hockey 5.00pm Monday–Thursday, sticks, to abandon all sense and reason and subject themselves to a night of forced drunkenness, gruesome acts and 4.30pm Friday. ridicule?”. Her conclusion is aided by the poetic abilities of one member of the Catz Kittens – To make an appointment drop in to the clinic at East Road, Cambridge. Or call “We drink beer in amounts that other men fear To make an appointment drop in to the clinic at East Road, Cambridge. Or call

0845 196 2070 Media Production 4582/10.09/DT And women think sex when a kitten comes near” www.anglia.ac.uk

0845 196 2070 Media Production 4582/10.09/DT www.anglia.ac.uk 6 Friday November 27th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton NNews www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Politico Varsity Profile: “The Geeks” Sidney Sussex’s Joel Winton, Alex Campsie and Nim Sukumar enter the DropZone

For a group of friends seeking to tried to play up to what we thought counter the social stereotype associ- was the BBC’s diversity policy.” ated with Cambridge on prime time In fact, he went to Manchester national television, “The Geeks” Grammar School (which had three was perhaps not the most subtle or fewer entrants to Cambridge than appropriate choice of team name. Eton last year) and lives on the Cambridge University Joel Winton, Alex Campsie and same road as Wayne Rooney, or Green Association Nim Sukumar, aka “The Geeks”, are so he says. “Actually, trying to be one of eight teams of three who took diverse probably just made us look part in the BBC’s new primetime a bit weird, in the end we came to “The Geeks” in the zone this summer This is a difficult time for those adventure game-show, Dropzone. the conclusion that the BBC just who would choose Green as the The format of the show, they explain, wanted us to fulfil the stereotypical the back of the programme. So far, he Alex, as a self proclaimed “maver- principle that underlies their is “a 48 hour race which sees teams Cambridge student role.” acknowledges that he has failed. He ick”, claims that he’s not going to political identity. With virtually battle it out in a range of mental Despite the boys’ best efforts, explains, “I’m too funny for Satur- watch the programme as he suspects every traditional environmental and physical challenges. Each week they fear that they ended up fulfill- day night telly really. I’m probably he will come across badly as a result villain borrowing the robes of an one team gets eliminated, with the ing the stereotype in every way. too funny for The Footlights”. He of his angry outbursts during filming. eco warrior, from the Conserva- other teams progressing to the next “We overanalysed every task on has also used the programme as a Asked to expand on this he clarifies, tive Party to British Petroleum, location.” Produced by Gary Hunter, the show. We spent far too long catalyst “for beginning a reclusive “I may have told the presenter to it is only natural to think that the brains behind Top Gear and Last unpacking the questions and trying lifestyle” which, according to Nim, go fuck himself at one point”, before without something more to Man Standing, and presented by to second guess what was required means that there is now “only a thin breaking off into laughter. Whilst he say, the Cambridge University Steve Jones, the production sees of us in the challenges.” line between him and the Sidney admits there were low points, he is Green Association is simply contestants compete in a variety of Each episode will follow the teams Mathmos”. And Nim should know. keen to draw attention to an episode, preaching to the choir. different locations across the globe, for their 48-hours of ‘challenges’, the Nim, on the other hand, has used in which he was told by a local girl (in Within Cambridge there are beginning in Scotland and finishing essence of the competition. But the Dropzone “as a platform” for his JCR broken English), “you are very very numerous groups campaigning with a final in Vietnam. two-day sessions proved difficult, presidency campaign, modelling handsome.” He will, along with the to make the University more Filmed over the summer and requiring constant filming with few himself as “the Obama of Sidney”. others, use the programme to justify sustainable; CUSU ethical due to air in January, the team’s TV opportunities for retakes. There were Less than 24 hours after deciding to making “t-shirts with the group’s affairs and most JCRs work debut was apparently the product limits to what more the team could tell run for the position he had already faces printed on them” to wear to tirelessly to change attitudes of Alex and Joel messing around on me about the show itself. “We irrevo- been called in by the Senior Tutor Cindies. and implement reforms on a the internet in the absence of first cably waived all moral rights when for his “tactics”, bending and proba- They will also, they tell me enthu- large scale, whilst groups year History exams. Skipping Fez we signed the contracts, to the point bly breaking every JCR election siastically, get a Wikipedia entry and like Cambridge University on the evening of the BBC’s appli- where if we’d come up with some campaign rule in existence. But, fan page set up. Here, I am unsure Environmental Consulting cation deadline, the duo filled in a genius idea during filming, the BBC he tries to convince me that this whether the trio quite understand Society advise on more niche form online with their characteristic would have owned it.” “You’ll have expertise is a result of the “nuanced the idea that a fan page deterio- issues, such as the environmen- irony and “whimsical” humour. They to watch and see mate, but seriously impression of the media” that has rates into pure narcissism if not tal impact of May Balls. explain, “that was probably our though, it’s all about Dropzone”, resulted from this summer’s adven- founded by someone outside of the CUGA is happy to work best moment, from there it was all gleams Nim. It is clear that the trio tures. Should this not work out he group itself. Luckily for them, in the with these groups but making downhill really.” had a lot of fun filming. continues, “one of the female contes- editing of this article, a fan was born Cambridge greener is not their There were one or two bent truths All three elements of “The Geeks” tants on the show also said I could to the trio, a fan more than happy to main aim. They are looking to they admit. As well as exaggerating are now keen on careers in television, be an eye model, so that is definitely set up any form of ‘page’, supportive, influence national policies in interests and hobbies, the trio played or at the least in the public eye. Joel is something I am going to look into.” congratulatory or even adulatory. much the same way that the on “Nim’s somewhat contrived, keen to launch a Louis Theroux-style His enthusiasm is hard to argue anna harper three major political societies deprived inner-city kid image. We career in investigative journalism off with. currently do. What they will do once they make it is still unclear but we can expect their activity to resemble most student politi- Hi! Society: English Language Studies for cal groups; running campaigns and raising awareness. Loosely affiliated to the Green Party, CUGA supports their Tibetans policies and intends to campaign for their parliamentary candi- A charity sending volunteers to teach exiled Tibetans in South East Asia - “a phenomenal experience” date Tony Juniper, without this michael monteiro allegiance morphing into mere ELST is a Cambridge-based charity purpose of the Cambridge Univer- ELST you put a reputable charity on puppetry. that aims to help Tibetan exiled sity ELST Society. the application form which increases They describe themselves communities in India and other areas People are often sceptical about your chance of receiving funding.” as being a fusion of old Labour of the Himalayas. travelling with charities or organisa- She described her experience of politics and green activism. The charity’s work is twofold. tions, fearing a scam, but reading the teaching in Bylakuppe, Karnataka: Social justice issues, such Firstly, ELST arranges for a small testaments of past volunteers on the “Mornings were spent teaching the as a ‘living wage’ and social number of 3 month scholarships ELST website makes it clear that lay community and in the afternoon housing are given the same to Cambridge for those in exile this organisation is different– “this is I taught at the Sera Jey monastery weighting as areas in which to partake in intensive language not a program but a charity”. ELST nearby. It’s not just English you can change is needed. courses. They also send volunteers focuses upon the individual traveller teach too. My students were really This summer’s elsT volunteers in By- For those whose environ- to areas in Nepal, Mongolia and India creating their own trip. keen to do some debating, drama lakuppe and their students mental concerns cannot be to help the Tibetan community learn Students are selected through and art so we spent some time on divorced from a commitment English. It is the provision of these application forms and interviews and that, and CVs and interview skills by volunteers must span a minimum to left wing politics, CUGA volunteers which forms the main are simply provided with contacts in as well. Working in a community of of six weeks and volunteers are will ideally fill the gap that their host country so they can each 6,000 male monks was a phenomenal encouraged to travel before or after currently exists between formulate their own unique experi- experience and Tibetans are truly the teaching programme, as well Labour and the Liberal ence. ELST also provide travel the most gentle and generous people as using weekends to discover the Democrats. grants to volunteers and help with I have ever met, offering to show us surrounding area. As a step towards getting raising of funds. One ELST volun- around the monastery, organising Applications are open to all involved, go along to hear teer said, “there are so many travel special lessons on Buddhism for us Cambridge undergraduates until Tony Juniper talk at Fitzwil- grants available in Cambridge that and even inviting us to their yoga midnight on Saturday January 16th liam College this Monday. it is just a question of knowing about classes at daybreak.” 2010. See www.elstcam.org for more james counsell them. Equally, by volunteering with The period of teaching undertaken details. tilly browne News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday November 27th 2009 7 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS

Cambridge College Spies Gonville and Caius Watch Pembroke Two weeks ago, the JCR of Caius created outcry A ban has been imposed on all swaps in the by controversially proposing to end funding college’s Formal Hall until the end of Michael- to religious, political or charitable societies. mas Term. This would have included organisations such The College Proctor made the decision as Amnesty International and the Christian to refuse swap Union. teams attendance This Sunday, after heated to Hall (pictured opposition, an Open right) following an Meeting was held and increasing number this motion retracted of alcohol-fuelled and wholly revised. The incidents which college’s JCR Secretary have involved commented: “I damage to College think the Open property, rudeness Meeting was a to staff, and vomit- Triple X big success – ing “here, there and We’d like to begin this here we had a good everywhere”. story, with precursory apology Sidney Sussex An email from turn-out...The for detail gorey. result was that Pembroke’s Proctor One femme fatale, this Tuesday we will be amend- Students of the College have been asked to was sent to all night, was perhaps more than ing our Mission “refrain from climbing over locked gates on students of the just a little tight. Statement to make it College property”, in an email from Acting College, urging Completing her swap with a clearer how society budgets are allocated Dean Robert Busch. This follows signifi cant them to “put dancefl oor kiss, going back to and that students are welcome to see the injuries to offending students this term. Sidney pressure on the small minority of students his room wasn’t a chance she’d details of the budget allocation process. We students have been assured that the porters who are creating diffi culties to behave more miss. With a sexual favour, just one will also be holding a referendum next week would prefer to be telephoned to let them in responsibly”. He added that “individuals have or two, from the member of her rather than having to deal with offenders both been identifi ed and fi ned”. With three formals on the proposed changes to the Constitution: victim, blood she drew. chief among them is a proposal to separate in terms of reproof and fi rst aid assistance. this week already sold out, students await But her violent love-making ‘recognition’ of a society from our funding of It has been threatened that the matter will an announcement regarding the refunding of did not end here, as she began a society”. The revised motion has met with transcend the boundary from being a matter of tickets. The ban on follows the three-day closure groping her target, up from positive feedback from students. safety to one of discipline. of Pembroke’s bar two weeks ago. CLAIRE GATZEN the rear. The damage to his manhood did thus continue, until his love- muscle lost a sinew. Then as the intoxication melted University away, our protagonist was far too sheepish to stay. But not to her own College did York University Oxford University she go, instead upstairs to his Watch neighbour – two in a row. The JCR of Magdalen College Oxford has Saturday saw a memorial service to celebrate passed a motion to rename itself ‘Gryffi ndor’ The Big Friendly Get- the life of Tom Eleftheriades, a second year and will henceforth be referred to as such in student at York University. Although Elefthe- University of Liege offi cial documents. Successful amendments to Off riades, who was a member of Vanbrugh the motion include purchase of a ‘Sorting Hat’. College, died suddenly during the university’s One genius lad, out on the lash, Coma specialists at the university are pioneer- Less successful, was the suggestion of a letter Freshers’ Week, the memorial service was not devised the perfect formula for ing new ways to understand and treat coma to the college President asking that he change held until last weekend pending results of an his name to Albus Dumbledore. The JCRC scoring some gash. victims after they discovered that 46-year- Rather than the usual lines inquest into the student’s death. Eleftheria- President also has a mandate to contact his old Rom Houben, presumed comatose for 23 and drinks, an unconventional des, who was studying linguistics and was said years, had been fully conscious. Houben was peers at Christ Church, St Hugh’s and Merton technique, used this saucy to be committed, talented and enthusiastic in unable to communicate due to paralysis from to propose renaming their own combination lynx. all aspects of life, died at his house in Frances a car accident in 1983 which left him in what rooms Slytherin, Huffl epuff and Ravenclaw. Spotting female friends by the Street, York. Since the beginning of term, York doctors thought was a persistent vegetative With the blasphemous prospect of the UL bar, the red light fl ashed on his University has also been hit by another death: state, but remained aware of his surroundings becoming ‘The Deloitte Library’, Varsity Pulling-Radar. that of fi rst year Chris Woodhead who died of Over he went and used the as hope for his reawakening dwindled. It is suggest we jump on the Rowling bandwagon natural causes in York Hospital. guise, of a “Friendly Pull” to three years since Dr Steven Laureys used new with ‘The Azkaban Library’ to start, John’s as Slytherin and Christ’s as Huffl epuff, of course. win his prize. scanning techniques to fi nd that Houben’s brain Just a one-off ploy you seem London Met. University was still active, but it was not until last week to think? Oh no – four female that Laureys published a paper on a study he University of East chums in three nights, did this The governors of London Metropolitan Univer- conducted. This study draws attention to the Anglia cad hoodwink. sity have been given six days to “consider their fact that there are certainly other misdiag- positions” in light of a report which found the nosed patients who are conscious but locked in Ménage à trois paralysis and capable of feeling pain. Hundreds of emails and documents hacked institution has misused public money. The insti- from a computer server at the University of Waiting outside a supervision tution must now repay the £36.5 million debt as East Anglia are being used by skeptics against door, is a pastime we all know the inquiry found the university had received the idea that humans have a lasting impact on and abhor. tens of millions of pounds in overpayments climate change. These global warming skeptics Annoyance, however, reaches from the Higher Education Funding Council claim the emails, attributed to prominent new heights, when the door for England because it submitted inaccurate American and British climate researchers, opens to unwelcome sights. student data to the council. The report, which show that scientists conspired to over-exagger- After almost half an hour’s ate the anthropogenic causes of climate change wait, one lass entered upon the will be published this week alongside a second by discussing whether or not to release certain remains of a date. inquiry by Deloitte, attributes the situation to data, withholding it and deciding collectively Her teacher dressed in post- a combination of false reporting by the univer- how best to combat the arguments of skeptics coital costume, accompanied sity and the institution’s failure to address high The university has brought in police to investi- by a lady, his temptress I rates of incompletion. gate the security breach. ESME NICHOLSON presume... Get there faster. Start here.

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This innovative one-year programme is designed for those opportunity to learn about the programme from who have not previously studied business or management, Course Director Dr Helen Haugh, take a tour of the but have the desire to become future business leaders. prestigious Judge Business School, interact with current students, experience a sample lecture and In one of the world’s foremost centres of academic participate in a Q&A session with faculty members. excellence, you will have every opportunity to enhance your knowledge and career prospects, while establishing For programme information, go to an impressive network of international contacts. cambridgemphil.co.uk/management If you are a high achiever holding a first class honours degree, To register for the Open Day, go to or equivalent, we invite you to register for attendance to our next Open Day on January 19th 2010. Here you will have the cambridgemphil.co.uk/openday Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Friday November 27th 2009 9 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Comment the essay: Misunderstanding sex

he deluge of advice concern- are not present, there is inevitably ing sex that greets freshers, a healthy appreciation of our sexuality is essential to a damaging dissonance between Tmuch of it depressingly grim happiness, says alBan mcCOY. But popular culture cuts our deeds and our intentions. Sex and notably humourless, and the in the absence of these conditions discovery that many a College off the groin from the heart – and nowhere is the resulting is a pretence, a charade, an empty laundry room may lack an iron but and meaningless gesture, going never fails to have one or even two alienation more obvious than in the universities nowhere and conveying nothing: condom machines, prompts one “the expense of spirit in a waste of to wonder whether we haven’t, Michael lovett shame”. somewhere along the line, lost the A final point about the much- plot. misunderstood and unfashionable No one can or should deny that virtue of chastity. Chastity doesn’t a healthy appreciation of our mean not having sex: the virtue sexuality is essential to a balanced, of chastity is as much at home in integrated and flourishing life – marriage as anywhere else. Nor essential, that is, to happiness – and does chastity mean being a prude: an unhealthy view of sexuality has being prudish offends against the opposite effect. But it surely chastity as much as being prurient doesn’t follow from this that you and promiscuous. In fact, chastity can’t be happy without having sex isn’t primarily concerned with sex – and lots of it. That sex and happi- at all. Chastity has to do with all ness automatically belong together our relationships, including our is nothing but wishful thinking, relationship with ourselves. It which would be risible if it wasn’t primarily concerns reverence and so damaging. Sadly, many people respect for ourselves and others. coming up to Cambridge fall victim To be chaste is to relate to to the prejudice that sex is proof of others freely, respectfully and with social success and a non-negotiable integrity, without manipulating ‘must’ if you’re normal or, at least, or invading their freedom to be acceptable among your peers. This themselves. It is to relate, in other failure to distinguish sexuality and and famously used the language of friendship and love depends other mutually satisfying pastime. words, within appropriate personal, sex reduces sex to nothing more of erotic love and sexual metaphor on much more than our sleeping But anybody who holds this emotional and physical boundaries: than genital plumbing and cuts off to describe the communion with arrangements. One can have lots view must surely be struck by within the boundaries, that is, set the groin from the heart and both God to which Christians believe of sex and yet miss out entirely our growing awareness of the by another person and the truths from the head. all human beings are called. And on love and friendship. And nor socially and personally destructive that inform and shape their lives. Sexuality pervades every aspect theologians of unquestioned stature does having sex necessarily ease impact of sex misused. We’re more It is to treat other people as ends of our lives, including the spiritual. have taught the goodness of our loneliness: indeed, empty physical conscious than ever before of the and never means, relating to them It is an immensely powerful drive, sexuality. St Thomas Aquinas, for intimacy can make it much worse. tide of human suffering caused by in themselves and for themselves. a formidable force for life and instance, unambiguously asserts You’re never more alone than when sexual abuse of all kinds. And it’s Of course, chastity is particu- love. But, misunderstood or badly that it is, in itself, good (Summa you’re not alone in a loveless and not just violent, non-consensual sex larly important in the area of sex managed, it can be the cause of Theologiae 2a2ae 23.1 ad 1) and empty show of false intimacy. And that damages and destroys: casual, because, more easily than many of unimaginable unhappiness. that lack of due delight in our there’s no lonelier place than a impersonal, uncommitted sex has our other appetites, it can lead us to There are many ways of misun- senses is a serious failing (ST 2a2ae loveless marital bed. equally damaging consequences. offend against another’s or our own derstanding both sexuality and 142.1). According to Aquinas, God Our sexuality is intrinsic to our Sex never happens without some good by crossing boundaries. sex, but two stand out. The first has given us our senses so that we natures as human beings and it consequence, at the time or in due To fear and dislike sex is as much is prudery and prudishness, often might delight in his creation. follows that sex can never be insig- course. a negation of chastity as to abuse attributed specifically to Catholics: If the first misunderstanding nificant, no matter how casually Sex is safest (in the fullest sense it for selfish gratification. Chastity on this view, sex is far too messy fails to register the importance we may treat it: it will always and not just from an hygienic protects and enhances the signifi- to be regarded as an important of sexuality, the second makes of either build us up or pull us down; point of view) and therefore most cance of our sexuality, challenging part of our lives, and certainly has it an idol. Our age is undeniably either enhance life or diminish positively significant, in the context prudery as much as promiscuity. nothing to do with the spiritual life. genitally-fixated and the confla- it. In a committed, exclusive and of a permanent, exclusive and Instead of either escaping or Admittedly, this has been the view tion of sexuality and having sex is permanent relationship, it can be committed relationship, open to the exploiting our sexuality, we should of many religious sects in history, one of the causes. The confusion life-giving in every sense, leading to possibility of new life, in which the rejoice in it and be grateful for some of them Christian heresies, is a failure of imagination that has lifelong trust and love. Conversely, free gift of shared intimacy is not our bodily natures, living our lives but it is a view that leads, at worst, led to thinly concealed boredom, casual or ‘recreational’ sex trivi- inhibited by a desire to avoid the lustily but never lustfully. to neurosis, hypocrisy and hardness instead of mutual delight and life- alises trust and alienates us from consequences of commitment in both of heart and, at best, to missed giving intimacy. The everything one another. biological and psychological terms. Father Alban McCoy has been the Catho- opportunities for human flourishing. for nothing of the ‘one-night-stand’ Popular culture, of course, By its very nature, sex is a lic Chaplain to the University since 1998. Whatever individual Christians leads to nothing for anybody. In an protests that this is to accord too unique bodily language express- He lives at the chaplaincy, which is at may have thought and taught, oddly paradoxical twist, permis- much importance to sex, which ing trust and mutual commitment Fisher House, next to the Cow pub. Before Christianity as such does not deny siveness and prudishness arrive at doesn’t or needn’t carry such signif- through time. It is a gift of self in coming to Cambridge, he taught philoso- the intrinsic goodness of our sexual- the same impoverishment. icance. Sex, on this view, is no more the most vulnerable of all human phy. His latest book is An Intelligent ity. Christian mystics have freely A flourishing and shared life psychologically significant than any situations. Where these qualities Person’s Guide to Christian Ethics.

square feet. It is a museum so and an arrow returning you to the outside Mitterrand’s glass pyramid? solar panel. Only snag is, they Overrated big that its less visited galleries rightful path. There’s one at every It’s the same syndrome that didn’t work. Anyone can be a failed are opened on a rotating basis. cross-road of the Louvre’s corridors. affects the Last Supper in Milan. inventor. Leonardo just drew his Week 8: Leonardo da Vinci Yet, when you’re there you might On one Baroque staircase stands And that painting has lost 75% of its failures more fetchingly than most. believe that this behemoth of a a Gioconda with an arrow point- original paint. What you’re looking But a great artist is more building had been raised for the ing left and right. All roads lead at is a quarter of a masterpiece: than two paintings and some sole purpose of housing one small ultimately to the same destination. the 25% that didn’t flake off. It’s Branestawm experiments. What dun brown portrait. Get within three rooms of the like reading only one in every four of the rest of Leonardo’s oeuvre? Leonardo’s Mona Lisa is the Joconde and you can’t avoid her. words of Hamlet. That’s a soliloquy Well, it’s very brown. ‘Sfumato’ to inescapable beating heart of the The tide of tourists carries you that reads: ‘To...to...the...nobler...to, art historians. At least Titian and museum. La Joconde, La Gioconda, willingly or unwillingly, as they cram etc.’ Hard to make judgements of Raphael did colour. Die Mona Lisa, she is everywhere. ten-deep into the room, cameras genius based on fragments. The cult of Leonardo is a vener- Should you find yourself lost in a aloft. And Lord, what a disappoint- Postage stamps and flaky able one. But an enigmatic smile, he Louvre is a strange place. gallery of Cycladic art, at many ment she is! A browning postage frescoes aside, Leonardo’s ‘genius’ a quarter of a masterpiece, and The most visited museum wings’ remove from Leonardo’s stamp of a queen, plump and moon- is often attributed to his inven- flights that never got airborne do Tin the world, it houses over bullet-proof heroine, there will be faced. But who wants to admit tions. He invented a helicopter, a not a Renaissance man make. laura 35,000 objects across 652,300 a helpful sign with a Mona Lisa it when you’ve queued for hours scuba suit, a hang-glider and the freeman 10 Friday November 27th 2009 Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Comment and Editorial www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Twilight shows how Disney lost

Established in 1947 its childhood innocence: thanks Issue No 708 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF to capitalism, the tween is dead Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 groundbreaking to suggest that have to do is push them over the Charlotte Runcie the most recent fantasy sensation edge. Forget about ponies and Student Columnist of the Year has overtones beyond bloodsucking sleepovers; the innocent tween and hormonal angst. Hell, vampire must die. Surround them with sex, stories come with their own illustri- tell them not to do it, and make A term marred by corporate ous history of allegory; since Bram everything glittery to ease the confess: I went to see Twilight: Stoker’s seminal 1897 novel, the transition. intrusions New Moon on the day it came vampire has meant desire, deprav- Evidence that this strategy Iout, and I loved it. It’s one ity, and promiscuity. These qualities is working, and that the process long, drawn out moment of sexual are knowingly subverted in of growing up is becoming an From now on, thousands of Oxbridge students past and present tension, helped along by plenty Twilight, with the vampire heroes overnight switchover from child- will congregate each Easter on the banks of the Thames to catch of rock-hard abs. (Team Jacob!) instead opting for monogamy hood to libidinous adolescence, up with friends, cheer on their alma mater and enjoy that time What’s not to love? But it doesn’t and chastity. Twilight reclaims a can be found in the diminishing honoured crown jewel of British sport: The Xchanging Boat Race. stop at eye candy. There’s a scene well-worn tale of sexual desire and market for anything squeaky clean. This sad news is the latest in a line of events which have made in this latest instalment of Stepha- makes it palatable to the Bible Belt. Disney tween queen Miley Cyrus corporate intrusion into university life the theme of this term. nie Meyer’s sparkly vampiric The message is clear: abstinence is was photographed in a provocative Whether it is companies advertising on the pavements outside restraint-epic where everything sexy. pose for Vanity Fair at age 15 and, King’s, the UL selling its name to the highest bidder or the CBI goes a bit meta. It’s about a third still underage in America, she pole- advising the Government on university policy, Cambridge seems of the way through when lip-biting danced at the 2009 Teen Choice to have lost any idea of its autonomous reason for existing and is necrophiliac Bella Swan goes Awards. Her estimated worth is becoming merely a precursor to professional life. to see a zombie movie with her around $1 billion, making her the Some may say that a name is irrelevant, or a small price to pay friend Jessica (who looks and acts world’s richest teen. And it’s diffi - for the money it brings in, but this is clearly not the case. The name like a refugee from High School cult to defend her as child-friendly. of an event is important and that is precisely why Xchanging are Musical). As they leave the cinema It’s happened in the US, and it’s we’re treated to Jessica’s opinions willing to pay money to have it usurped. It implies that the culture happening here. Take Jedward: on the fi lm, which mainly consist people were surprised by the and purpose of university life is merely to process youngsters of her bemoaning its lack of ‘hot length of time that they managed into aspirant go-getters armed with transferable skills and ready guys’ and showing derision for its to cling on in X Factor, but not to storm the battlements of Canary Wharf. Love of learning, the supposed status as a metaphor for Louis Walsh. He assumed that the virtue of teaching and intellectual enrichment are now by the by, capitalism. Twilight, of course, is twins’ market was tweens, and that merely the means to a six fi gure salaried end. nothing but hot guys. Zombies… kids would vote for someone fun, The University of Cambridge’s nomenclature used to refl ect a Vampires… D’you get it? someone like them. He was wrong; reverence for learning. In 1897 the University’s History library You’ll forgive me for paraphras- the tweens vote for Lloyd, a similar was renamed in honour of the historian Sir John Seeley, and when ing; I couldn’t take detailed notes age to Jedward but more of the fi fty years later a new site was developed in part to hold the Seeley in the screening, as a Moleskine at boyfriend type than the mischie- library it was named after the philosopher Henry Sidgwick. The a festival of fantasy lust is terribly vous classmate. The people keeping buildings and institutions of Cambridge refl ect a history and gauche. Anyway, unexpected Wes You know all this. And yet the Jedward in were twentysomethings heritage of intellectual endeavour, but from now on they threaten Craven moment dealt with, New theme doesn’t quite work, not least with a sense of irony and anyone to refl ect a sad subordination to business and material concerns. Moon soon gets back to the impor- because telling the tween (for the wanting to annoy Simon Cowell, The deal with Xchanging may be fi nancially lucrative, but in tant business of fi nding spurious tween is absolutely the target for and both of these camps have far spirit it is cheap. The fact that their CEO can, with a straight reasons for impossibly attractive these fi lms and books) not to have less tenacity than the tween stuck face, clam that “Xchanging draws strength and inspiration” from men to remove their shirts, and sex will only make them think at home with their parents every Oxbridge rowers shows how far we have fallen in tolerating it becomes clear where the fi lm’s about it more. South Park’s Jonas Saturday night. executive speak. This term has also seen the absurdly named priorities lie. But is Twilight really Brothers episode is a much more Jedward’s departure proved that ‘Research Excellence Framework’ established to decide upon an economic metaphor, too? Or adept critique of the JoBro/absti- the tween is dead. Non-threat- university funding, and as Cambridge’s Stefan Collini has argued in is it just a festival of all things nence phenomenon than I could ening is over; 11-13 year olds are the TLS its “menu” of “impact indicators” shows the Government’s pop-tween, nothing more than what manage, and I recommend you demanding something darker, and the Times critic Kevin Maher called check it out. But there’s more to be the promise of more to come with dispiriting lack of understanding of why the humanities in “the cinematic equivalent of a Jonas said; there’s something darker afoot every hint of burgeoning sexuality. particular should be studied. However it would appear that our Brothers concert”? With all that in Twilight. The relentless drive of capitalism universities are equally incapable of justifying their existence and sexual tension fl ying around, it’s For an economy dependent on has led us further towards the standing up to big businesses. hard to think otherwise. using sex to sell products, the sexualisation of children, and big There is a reason why universities exist aside from churning out But it’s old news that Sci-Fi and virgin tween market has always corporations like Disney are happy employable students. However, the renaming of the boat race is Fantasy are vehicles for commen- been a challenge. But now Disney to keep it that way. Maybe Twilight just the latest in a long line of fi lthy lucre-minded events which tary on the real world. Everyone’s seems to have cracked it; to appeal isn’t a metaphor for capitalism, but suggest that our University has lost sight of this reason and is familiar with the ulterior motives to a demographic poised on the it certainly embodies its darker willingly sacrifi cing its academic identity to the Gospel of Mammon. of Narnia, so it’s not exactly brink of sexual oblivion, all you side.

I hope there will be no more refer- importantly, many of the Clare That said, the bar committee ences to Blueprint in this week’s students we employ tell us they would like to register our support Letters to the Editor ‘Independent’ Varsity. depend on the small additional of Sidney’s efforts to retain their Dom Pelemun income they earn each week student run status. The Sidney Jesus working behind the bar. It could bar team were tremendous when I have been giving some thought Cambridge University Library’. therefore be argued that any helping to set our bar up and we to the vexed question of the No-one could take offence at that. Contrary to reports in last week’s attempt by a College to take over can vouch for their undeniable University Library’s new sponsor Stephen Halliday Varsity, Sidney’s is not the “only an autonomous bar would create hard work and ability. It would be Ex-Pembroke remaining student-run bar in serious fi nancial issues for some a great shame if this privilege was Cambridge”. Clare Cellars is also students. removed, especially given that it Varsity claims to be ‘The Indepen- completely student run, with a Marcus Buck does not refl ect a lack of talent or dent Student Newspaper’, but I dedicated team of 7 undergraduates Clare Cellars Publicity Officer ability on the Sidney bar team, notice not one but two fl attering doing everything from ordering only the poor behaviour of a few reviews of the ‘Cambridge boyband’ stock to cashing up the till, all with Newnham College bar turned drunken outsiders. which is such a source of anxiety Blueprint in last week’s issue. minimal interference from College student-run in Michaelmas of 2008, Anna Montgomery in some quarters. Tesco evidently Is something going on here? Do authorities. and has been successfully running Bar Manager, Newnham gives offence; Sainsbury’s is not Blueprint really deserve a fi ve-star We believe student-run bars are under student management since interested; BAE Weapons Systems review when they have already important not only for creating a then. The bar, which boasts a Email [email protected] for the is probably unsuitable; but surely been described as ‘soooo amazing’ relaxed and friendly environment, plasma screen TV, a pool table chance to win a bottle from the no one could object to naming the (Rafael Meruna, My Week)? It is but also for equipping student and some of the cheapest prices in Cambridge Wine Merchants. Letters may UL after a publisher. So I suggest diffi cult to imagine that Blueprint managers with valuable business Cambridge, is staffed and run by be edited. ‘The Oxford University Press could really be as good as you say. experience. But perhaps most the students of Newnham. Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Friday November 27th 2009 11 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Comment

Not-Sci

Let’s be sensible about stem cell research

oday it’s baby murder. Tomorrow you’ll be ‘Tcloning Jonathan Ross’ is often the gist of the argument by pro-life campaigners against stem cell research. But recent advances in stem cell research make the ‘baby murder’ argument irrel- evant. And more pertinently, who would ever want to clone Jonathan Ross? This week, Professor Anthony Hollander visited Cambridge to talk about how he harvested cells from a woman’s bone marrow and used them to grow a windpipe which was then transplanted back into the same woman. The patient, who was a wheezing invalid after contracting tuber- culosis, is now fit and healthy. No embryos were used. Anti-cloning arguments The main parties don’t want to talk about tuition range from the optimistic to the absurd. In their hypotheti- fees. It’s up to students to fight for a fairer system cal fantasy world of the future ‘anti-cloners’ want you to the effects of variable fees, and the ground for a fees increase and about the cost of university educa- believe that a strand of your Tom Chigbo should play a key role in setting further marketisation of higher tion. Higher education funding hair will be sinisterly plucked the agenda for universities over education. remains as emotive among voters from your head at the bus the next decade, if not longer. Worse still, politicians and candi- as it was in 2004. A recent YouGov stop and your carbon copy, The terms of reference are broad dates who claim to represent us poll shows that only 12% of the will be ready by lunchtime, t’s early 2004 and the Labour enough to consider alternatives to seem content to sit back and watch public think that the government before being mass-produced Party is divided. Prime Minis- the current system of top-up fees students get stitched up with a should even consider raising fees. to take over the world. Iter Tony Blair has put his and ever-increasing student debt. fee increase. Given the potential Lifting the cap on fees would not Let’s be sensible and unbiased reputation on the line and the fate However, the review has also impact of the current review, the only increase the amount that about this. Let’s assume that of the government lies in the hands conspired to silence the student fact that any increase in fees will individuals pay, but also have dire cloning humans is possible and of a few backbench MPs. His plans voice. Despite commitments to have to be voted on by MPs and the effects for access and social inequal- common in the way ‘test tube are facing opposition from groups hearing a student perspective, knowledge that a general election ity. A higher education marketplace babies’ are common. Is it accept- across society. Ministers stand NUS representatives were not will be called within months, it is where some universities are able able for a couple to conceive accused of betraying manifesto even allowed on the panel unless shocking that they are still getting to charge huge fees, would see a child for the sole purpose of pledges. There have been protests they agreed not to speak to the away with dodging the issue. There students from poorer backgrounds being a donor match of an exist- around the country, a mass demon- media and represent us. Five of may not be a simple answer, but deterred from or priced out of ing one? What about cloning stration in London and even the the review’s seven members have this is no excuse for what amounts access to many prestigious insti- one? Twins, triplets and so on occupation of a government depart- to a coalition of silence between the tutions, including Cambridge. already exist in nature. How ment building. The issue causing main parties, denying students a Students’ unions need to stand are triplets produced by cloning so much contention is not privatisa- “We cannot just say on this most crucial of issues. shoulder to shoulder with families different to triplets produced tion, civil liberties or even the Iraq Students will not stand for this and communities, making the case by IVF? The only difference War. It is student tuition fees. sleepwalk into and throughout the coming debate for widening participation, in order is the route, the technical Plans to introduce variable we will be fighting our corner. to have the biggest impact. CUSU’s science, used to achieve the tuition fees provoked a bigger higher fees and CUSU will be doing everything Town Takeover events have final result. They both involve backbench rebellion than any possible to pin down local candi- focused on just that. human intervention and they other issue in the early years of crippling debt” dates, forcing them to come clean With a general election looming are both equally easy to abuse. Blair’s government, including Iraq. and give students the opportunity and public opinion still opposed The only difference at this point Faced with fierce opposition from strong business links, while the to make an informed choice at to increasing fees, the student in time is that cloning is not students and families, a combina- other two are Vice-Chancellors. In the ballot box. In the last month movement has an exciting oppor- as technically easy as IVF. tion of last-minute concessions and the last few months, we have heard we have already seen creative tunity to make its mark. We cannot Unlike other controversial fear of losing face just before the university chiefs and business campaigns in Cambridge and let this moment pass us by and science – the MMR vaccine publication of the Hutton Inquiry groups pressing for higher fees. elsewhere, ranging from lobbying sleepwalk into higher fees and causing autism, say, or the squeezed out just enough votes to In one outrageous proposal, the of MPs and public demonstrations crippling debt. The battle lines validity of vitamin pills – get the proposals through Parlia- Confederation of British Industry to high-profile stunts and direct have been drawn. Now we must opposition to stem cell research ment. The government was only (CBI) called for fees to be hiked action. This activity must increase fight for a fairer funding system is not a matter of disputing three votes away from defeat. to £5000 a year, financial support and intensify all the way up to the and defend the right of all students factual data or of horror Five years on, an independent for poorer students to be reduced general election and beyond. to not be priced out of the educa- stories about the results. review into higher education and interest rates on loans to go The fact is that not only students, tion they deserve. The real worry seems to be funding has begun. This is an up. A review panel dominated by but parents, graduates, employers about the intentions behind important opportunity to examine these voices can only be preparing and others in society are concerned Tom Chigbo is President of CUSU. the science. SITA DINANAUTH Publish your documents with Writrs.com by Charles van Valkenburg - Student Writrs.com is an innovative new online marketplace. 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a hilarous new musical comedy the final the BY STEF PORTER LENT TERM - WEEK 6 TUESDAY 23RD - SATURDAY 27TH mays FEBRUARY

The Mays is an anthology of the best new writing and artwork AUDITIONS by students from Cambridge and Oxford. Previous guest editors include Ted Hughes, Zadie Smith, Nick Cave, Ali Smith, Sebastian ADC BAR: MONDAY 30TH Faulks, Seamus Heaney, Jeanette Winterson, Stephen Fry and Patti Smith. NOVEMBER 1500 - 1800 ADC LARKUM STUDIO: TUESDAYTUESD We are looking for students to help us select submissions for the mays xviii. If you would like to be on the prose, poetry or visual 1ST DECEMBER 1400 - 1800 arts committees, please apply by January 24th, 2010.

We are also looking for people to help organise workshops, readings and masterclasses throughout the year. Please apply by DANCING, SINGING AND ACTING January 2nd, 2010. ROLES ALL AVAILABLE Please apply to [email protected] with your contact information, and the position(s) you are interested in, and explain why you want to be involved and any relevant experience you have. WWW.BIGFISHENTS.COM

http://mays.varsity.co.uk FOR MORE INFORMATION EMAIL [email protected] Want to advertise here? to Want [email protected] 01223 337575 Magazine Editor: Laurie Tuffrey Friday November 27th 2009 13 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Vulture

Artsp25 Artsp22 Guardian Student Journalist of the Interview with the founder of Meat year Patrick Kingsley on Cambridge Vulture magazine on how to do it for theatre Arts, Features, Reviews yourself

LUCY NURNBERG & ANNA TRENCH That Was The Decade That Was We get nostalgic for the Noughties and round up the best of the last ten years of arts.

rom the Arctic Monkeys to Facebook, defi ning feature of the decade’s politics: 9/11 also seen climate change become a major in and switched on, 24/7. from reality TV to WAGs, the decade shook the confi dence of the Western world concern on the world’s agenda, with continu- To celebrate the sun going down on the Ffrom 2000 to 2009 will be one to and kick-started the invasion of Afghanistan ing pressure from environmental protesters fi rst decade of the new millennium, we’ve remember. and the Iraq War, and continues to dominate met only by hazy promises from politicians. sought out the decade’s best TV, music, There’s been the fall from grace of Labour, today’s papers. The Noughties have also heralded the fashion, books, fi lm and art. It was a diffi cult with Blair vilifi ed and Brown even more so, Jostling for headline space was the credit arrival of the ‘Information Age’, with the task and there had to be some exclusions the rise and demise of the Bush administra- crunch, which saw the bankruptcy of fi rms globe linked up by the internet, mobile (sorry Crazy Frog), but if it shows one thing, tion and the Obama-mania that followed. like Lehman Brothers, and the shrinking of communications and social networking sites, it’s that the Noughties have been a brilliant However, the War on Terror has been the many a fat banker’s wallet. The decade has creating a world where everyone is plugged decade for culture. Bring on the next ten. Friday November 27th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng 14 Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] The Noughties: Reviewed

It’s been a good decade for the old idiot-box. Despite the the 90s, but the genre was blown open by 2001’s The Office. Almost every ever-burgeoning proliferation of crap, the noughties also Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant established a template decade of fashion saw a lot of truly great TV, headed – inevitably, overwhelm- of subtle, character-based brilliance which would never be STYLE turned up: 20s ingly – by The Wire. Enough ink has been spilt over this bettered – although Peep Show and The Thick of It have fringing, 70s boho... show to prevent us adding anything tried their best. Towards the odder end of As ‘oh-it’s-vintage’ new here; suffice to say, those who the scale we find The Mighty Boosh, a show THE WAG SQUAD replaced ‘someone- haven’t yet immersed themselves in that sends you slightly insane if you watch it Victoria, coleen, cherYl... died-in-that’ as the the Baltimore underworld are denying too often, and Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, a RISE OF THE HIGH STREET catchphrase for themselves one of the decade’s cultural TV pitch-perfect horror spoof. The US also got Primark, toPshoP... attic-chic, raiding peaks, in any medium. It was joined by a in on the act with Arrested Development, a the last century for number of other high-quality American densely knitted family saga. MUST-HAVES your outfit became THE AMERICAN DRAMA it bags, skinnY jeans... dramas, mostly from upmarket channels the wire, the soPranos... However, all these high points may come de rigeur. But when HBO and AMC: The Sopranos and Six to nought when we come to consider the TV the next crop of Feet Under earlier in the decade, as well REALITY TV that’s defined our generation. Here we turn to Cambridge kids are as the sumptuous, intelligent Mad Men. the x Factor, the aPPrentice... glossy Yankee trash and home-grown daytime heading to the Mahal for a ‘Noughties Swap’, what will they British programming, on the other toss. In the former category we find The O.C., remember about this century’s debut? hand, found itself reduced to big-budget UK COMEDY 24, Lost, Desperate Housewives and Sex and Bling probably captures the pre-cession cheer: remem- dramatisations of Victorian novels PeeP show, the oFFice... the City; in the latter category Countdown, ber how for around eight of the ten years, we all had more and quasi-historical rompfests (Rome, TRASH TV Richard & Judy, and above all Deal or No money than we knew what do with (or at least, banks did)? Desperate Romantics). Reality TV was the o.c., DesPerate housewiVes... Deal, the programme which tried to turn WAGs exhibited appropriate excessiveness: orange skin? where the money was. The X Factor, box-opening into an art form. True, there Check. Implausibly spherical breasts? Check. Interchang- Britain’s Got Talent and I’m a Celeb- were some half-decent cartoons – Futurama, able, overpriced outfits with matching shoes and bag? Check. rity... have been keeping ITV afloat for Family Guy, even late-period Simpsons – but The high street helpfully churned out catwalk imitations years. Channel 4 gave us Big Brother ultimately our young lives were occupied by a for those without a Premier League lifestyle. Primark complete with 24/7 coverage on E4, and The Apprentice string of programmes which set themselves low targets, and and Topshop became the new stomping grounds for those gave us noughties catchphrase: “You’re fired!” What we even then didn’t always achieve them. It was fun at the time looking for a quick fashion fix, and high street and high excelled in was deadpan, often excruciating alternative hugo gYe fashion collided with collabs like Christopher Kane for comedy. Chris Morris and Steve Coogan paved the way in Topshop. Who could lose, besides your bank balance? On the edgier side of things, club culture made a reappearance, and Agyness Deyn happened to step into the limelight just as the nu-rave zeitgeist needed a face. In housemate Henry Holland’s irreverently garish t-shirts (“I’ll show you who’s boss, Kate Moss”) and a bleached crop that became the ‘Rachel’ for our decade, Deyn dominated fashion. Fashion crazes included the ridiculous It Bag mania: Chloe’s coveted chunky Paddington bag weighed several kilos even when empty. Hightop trainers and skinny jeans have yet to loosen their viper grip on our ankles, which is pretty great as far as we’re concerned - much cheaper than a Chloe bag. charlotte wu & zing tsjeng

Back in 2001, the sound of indie was that of 1979, where as a brilliant producer-cum-rapper; his inventive use the guitars were spindly and the jeans skinny. The forefa- of samples, dab hand at beat construction and lyrical thers of the revival? The Strokes. Their marriage of scruffy ingenuity, not to mention his enormous ego, are all looks and garage band sound to Julian Casablancas’ Upper over his ‘College’ albums, though his first, The College East Side drawl on Is This It? produced such noughties Dropout, is perhaps the best example. classics like ‘Someday’ and ‘Last Nite’. Elsewhere, the debut Radiohead’s best may have been 1997’s OK Computer, of Canada’s Arcade Fire, Funeral, but the noughties found them pushing was a beautiful collection of folk- the envelope further: reflecting the tinged anthems from the ten-plus rise of online availability of music, strong collective. Despite the grief- the band’s In Rainbows was initially stricken title, the frenetic urgency MUSIC sold only via their website, to mass of ‘Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)’ success and acclaim. Another band and ‘Rebellion (Lies)’ shine through, of epic proportions produced their making the album feel anything but INDIE ROCK the strokes, arcaDe Fire, the libertines... best album yet: Sigur Ros’s exquisite funereal. And given Jack White’s Takk... , featuring the Attenborough- penchant for side-projects, it’s almost RAP friendly ‘Hoppípolla’, saw their possible to forget where he started. jaY-z, kanYe west... cinematic soundscapes and ‘Hopelan- On 2003’s Elephant, the White Stripes dic’ lyrics meet with universal love. found themselves fine-tuning their EXPERIMENTAL And lest we forget the pop of the formula; anthemic blues, stripped raDioheaD, sigur ros... decade: Beyonce, Justin Timberlake down and amped up. and Lady Gaga all struck a chord in POP On this side of the Atlantic, this amY winehouse, beYonce, laDY gaga... the 00s, though no-one quite captured decade’s answer to Morrissey and the public imagination as much as Marr, Pete Doherty and Carl Barat, Amy Winehouse. Before the drink, took their cues from The Strokes and the drugs, the rehab, there was the added some English whimsy, amateurism and a fair dabble music, and Back to Black still stands as Winehouse’s of crack to produce The Libertines’ seminal classic Up the greatest moment, defining the 60s revivalist soul, Bracket. imitated but never-bettered by so many. Jay-Z may have had 99 problems but producing brilliant There are so many more to mention: Yeah Yeah Yeahs, albums wasn’t one, with 2001’s The Blueprint and The Kings of Leon, Daft Punk... the list goes on. So dust down Black Album in 2003. And remember Kanye West before your record collection and relive the best moments of the he started interrupting country starlets? He had a career noughties; they’ve been a brilliant ten years. laurie tuFFreY Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Friday November 27th 2009 15 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Features

The noughties was the decade that saw the golden promise Lapper Pregnant, Ian Walters’ Nelson Mandela, but of the 90s YBAs quite literally go up in smoke. In 2004 the occasionally they got it right. Rachel Whiteread’s inverted Momart warehouse fi re destroyed works by Tracey Emin, plinth in perspex was a witty play on the plinth problem and Michael Craig Martin and the Chapman Brothers - the bonfi re Antony Gormley bowed the decade out with his epic One & to end all vanities. Other. For Damien Hirst it was the skull what Gormley’s Hayward exhibition was did it. After two decades as the Emperor of a virtuoso exercise in the sinister Britart, in 2007 Hirst was fi nally exposed as manipulation of space and the famous having no clothes. The £50million diamond- Blind Light inspired one of the decade’s encrusted skull entitled Beyond Belief ART most memorable political cartoons: debuted just as the Credit Crunch dawned. Peter Brookes’ image of Gordon Brown The start of the noughties saw auction stumbling hopelessly inside Gormley’s houses blissfully reporting record-breaking DEATH OF YBAS claustrophobic glass prison. sales. In 2006, a Jackson Pollock sold for TRACEY EMIN, DAMIEN HIRST... Japanese artist Takashi Murakami’s $140m, the highest sum ever paid for a paint- MONEY MONEY MONEY collaboration with Louis Vuitton made ing. By 2009, the good times were going, AUCTION FEVER, RECESSION BLUES... him one of the most recognisable artists going gone. Credit-crunched Christie’s fi red of the decade and by way of Chinese a quarter of its London staff, and Sotheby’s LONDON HIGHRISE counterfeiting, the most imitated. Also lost $28.2million on a single auction. TATE MODERN, THE GHERKIN.... widely copied was illustrator David Shrig- But it wasn’t all bad. The Tate Modern ley whose infl uential fat black marker opened in 2000 and, along with the Gherkin, ART STARS drawings spawned a thousand greeting transformed London’s skyscape. By 2006, GORMLEY, MURAKAMI, SHRIGLEY... card copyists. Grayson Perry was the the former power station turned art gallery decade’s Turner Prize hero. Dubbed the was London’s most visited tourist attrac- transvestite potter, his frocks and pots tion. The Turbine Hall became the country’s garnered interest in equal measure, and most exciting venue for large scale art installations. Olafur his long-running Times column offered the decade’s most Eliasson’s The Weather Project (the fl oating sun) and Anish intelligent and sensitive commentary on the art world. Kapoor’s Marsyas (the giant trumpet) were triumphs. Over The noughties was the decade of big bucks followed by at Tate Britian, Chris Ofi li embroiled himself in an insider big bust. Corporate sponsorship made the Royal Academy trading scandal, undermining what was possibly the most blockbusters possible, Unilever bankrolled the Turbine Hall beautiful installation of the decade: The Upper Room. and auction prices skyrocketed. Recessions are traditionally Other rotating installation spaces fared less well. The bad news for art. As for the next decade? My money’s on art annual Serpentine Gallery Pavilion was reliably ugly and schools. London’s broke. LAURA FREEMAN always, always leaked when it rained. The Fourth Plinth was predictably politically correct: Marc Quinn’s Alison

When asked about contem- BOOKS porary fiction, writer Philip Roth said crank- THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE ily, “I don’t think HARRY POTTER, DAN BROWN... in 20 or 25 years people will read CELEBRITY BIOS JADE GOODY, JORDAN... these things at all…there are GOLD STARS just other things IAN MCEWAN, LIONEL SHRIVER... for people to do,” and his despair at modern life animates some of the decade’s most memorable books. The jury’s still out on Twilight, but the noughties more book genres for new material, with questionable success The decade’s most illustrious books were J.K. Rowling’s than made up for sparkly vampires with a mixed bag of (see: Fantastic 4). Harry Potter series; whatever your reservations about notables and masterpieces. Sacha Baron Cohen took on the More than anything else, our generation will be defi ned by the adverb-heavy prose, her stories provided an escapism mantle of gross-out humour, with Borat and Bruno doing the breakout indie movies of the decade. Eternal Sunshine craved by children and adults alike. Similarly sensational- in real-life what South Park only dared to do in cartoons. of the Spotless Mind, Lost in Translation, Donnie Darko ist was Dan Brown’s the Da Vinci Code, where the typical Meanwhile, Judd Apatow churned out hits (and most of Wes Anderson) all shared detective story was taken to the furthest extreme. like Superbad and Knocked Up, featuring the same lo-fi aesthetic, with impeccable Readers unsatisfi ed with Potter could look back to slobby protagonists and giving hope to indie soundtracks, deadpan humour, and Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials for more imaginative geeks everywhere that social awkwardness quirky visual surrealism – who can forget pleasures. The Amber Spyglass (2002) brought the trilogy and an addiction to weed could land you a the Tenenbaums’ uniforms? And most to its climax, threading a coming of age narrative through beautiful girl (e.g. Katherine Heigl). FILM important: a very 21st century ennui, best moral and theological discussion. But what was so uplifting in The action fi lm evolved from steroid- experienced through the eyes of teenagers Pullman’s rationalist vision would infect one of the decade’s addled Arnie vehicles into a sleeker, more THE NEW ACTION STAR or young adults yearning for something most notable pieces of non-fi ction: Richard Dawkins’s The morally ambiguous beast in the form of the THE BOURNE TRILOGY, JAMES BOND... the world has yet to offer. God Delusion. Although nobody would doubt Dawkins’s Bourne trilogy and the rebooted Bond and The noughties also saw the rise of the skills as a scientist, he wound up causing more problems Batman fi lms. Punching people very hard REVENGE OF THE GEEK docu-drama. From healthcare in Sicko to than he solved in his work. Writing with all the zeal of the won’t cut it anymore; protagonists have THE LORD OF THE RINGS, IRON MAN... climate change in An Inconvenient Truth, evangelists he describes, Dawkins won 8.5 million readers to plumb the depths of personal tragedy Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine by refusing to analyse religion on its own terms. INDIE UNDERGROUND too. With the darker tone came a new way LOST IN TRANSLATION, DONNIE DARKO... created a new thirst for creative agit-prop Less intellectually stimulating was the craze for celebrity to fi lm action, too – jerky cameras leapt fi lm-making that took on the big issues with memoirs, ghost-written by jobbing fashion or entertain- across roofs and tumbled down stairwells ROUND THE WORLD urgency and occasional self-righteousness ment journalists. Victoria Beckham, Jade Goody, Jordan et with their heroes, and fi ghts were intense, CITY OF GOD, SPIRITED AWAY... (we’re looking at you, Al Gore). al. all shared their life story with the book-buying public. knock-out scenes edited for maximum Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Ian McEwan’s Atonement and Lionel Shriver’s We Need to brutality and speed. became a surprise hit, smashing conven- Talk About Kevin excelled ethically and aesthetically, light- Movies like The Lord of the Rings were tional wisdom that Western audiences ing up modern concerns about childhood through dilemmas characterised by sweeping visuals, grand scores and human were incapable of simultaneously reading subtitles and of authorship and what it means to play out a fi ctional role. (and hobbit) tragedy on an epic scale. Faithfully adapted watching the screen. From City of God to Spirited Away, Better still were the exuberant, modernist debuts from by Peter Jackson, LoTR brought fanboy culture into the the decade fi nally saw the mainstream recognition of world Zadie Smith and Jonathan Safran Foer, whose novels White mainstream: no longer did fantasy or comic book geeks cinema, and yielded several fruitful artistic collaborations Teeth and Everything is Illuminated poignantly elaborate have to hide in the shadows (of the Internet). By the time between lesser-known international fi lm directors and the nuances of ethnic identity. Indeed, on the evidence of Iron Man rolled around, Hollywood had fi nally realised the Hollywood – just think of Brad Pitt in Alejandro González such writing it is less likely that Roth’s prophecy will prove power of the geek, wooing them with special screenings and Iñárritu’s Babel, or Ang Lee directing Heath Ledger in true than that, in 25 years’ time, Smith and Foer’s novels freebies - all the while stripmining the fantasy and comic Brokeback Mountain. ZING TSJENG will be acknowledged as modern classics. ELIOT D’SILVA 16 Friday November 27th 2009 Fashion Editors: Charlie Lyons, Joe Pitt-Rashid and Lara Prendergast Fashion www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

All I want for Christmas is you... Fashion Editors: Charlie Lyons, Joe Pitt-Rashid and Lara Prendergast Friday November 27th 2009 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Fashion 17

All I want for ChristmasBow by Johnny loves Rosie is you... 18 Friday November 27th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Two Heavenly Virtues of Cambridge Week 8: Generosity always thought you were Father weeps like a baby lepre- decisions which affect other people, – I have tried to be less slothful, an only child.” “Why?” chaun. After all, if I don’t improve, unlike others we know who are lustful and wrathful (amongst other “I“Well, you just seem like no one will buy me classy gifts next college Presidents, directors or things). While I may not have fully you’ve never had to share anything. Yuletide, as I can’t get away with conductors, and use up all their succeeded in my quest for better- Ever.” So said Dreamy Architect “I.O.U. One Half Hour of Quality humanity and kindness in meetings, ment (I enjoy sleepy, angry lust Housemate as we sat in the college Time (Terms and Conditions Apply, rehearsals and concerts. “And all too much) I refuse to feel guilty library, with me hissing at anyone Subject to Availability)” vouchers you really do is eat toasties” he about a little selfishness. I may be a who tried to work at the same table again. concludes, “so you could jealous brat. I may be able to inhale as us. I decide to consult Dreamy be a lot less evil than you three boxes of Maryland chocolate It’s true, I can be a mite selfish Architect Housemate on why he is are.” “But I have to chip cookies without pause. I may at times – I resent anyone sitting such an unnecessarily Good Person, make decisions which fool myself into thinking I’m Mrs in the same train carriage as me, and how I can become one too. affect others” I protest. Robinson and shamelessly attempt I hoard library books unneces- He muses on the question, and He makes tea sceptically. to corrupt one of my best and oldest sarily (whatever subject you do, decides his unnatural level “I have to decide whether friend’s unwitting seventeen-year- I have that book you need) and I of friendliness is down to update my blog, and how old brother. I can happily sleep once killed a man for a purse of to a childhood of mild often to feed my Tamagotchi until three on a Sunday afternoon, gold coins and a slug of whiskey. beatings, a constant (age: seven years, eight months, eat a sustaining bowl of Shreddies, Actually, that last one is a line from feeling of Guilt, taking six days and counting). He then retire back to bed to watch the Irish folk songs which Dissolute drugs like candy, and shakes his head sadly, like a Belleville Rendezvous on my laptop Would Be Novelist Housemate mainlining tea. He also wise old handsome owl. I and snooze until bedtime. has been playing incessantly in the cites his relatively am in awe of his chiselled And I may just be quite defiantly kitchen since he rediscovered his low stress levels as intelligence, like the proud of all of these things. But Celtic heritage this week, mainly an aid in his freakish Dalai Lama in Ashton I am essentially alright. I have through boozing. But the point niceness. While Kutcher’s body. I touch his chosen the ten or so people I like stands that I am a miserly, beauti- he does have thigh hopefully. He sighs, shuffles in this world and I’m alright to ful, self-centred witch and perhaps to model 3-D his chair away, and says, “Hands them, and will be loyal for life. To I should learn how to Give in time abattoir designs above the table. Don’t make me everyone else I say a very Merry for December 25th, and the annual on the computer get the librarian again.” Christmas, but don’t expect a card, Beale family screening of It’s A until six in the But enough. All this term and stay out of my corner of the Wonderful Life, when Mother eats morning, he has I have wrestled with my sins library. Victoria Beale her one chocolate of the year and to make few luCy NurNBErG on the pages of this publication

Shadow Puppet Guide chriSTMaS Media Awards calvin harriS How feels’. We say nothing Alright, it’s still this week. best to stick it to the evil tastes as good as Death by HoT November and X-Factor? Oh yes, by putting Chocolate for dessert. Christmas gets PenGuin 100 a pineapple on your head. earlier every year, but Advent postcards, 100 vintage book Just wait and watch Cowell’s The SeaSon Perky gap calendars , mince pies and covers. One more way to empire fall. yearers with Val d’Isere tans drunkenness loom on the spend £££. frolic in the snow for the NoT horizon. Merry Christmas! u2 aT GlaSTo With or BBC cameras. Sickening. TaxiderMy The latest without them? Erm, without Won’t someone give varSiTy Big thing according to the them please. these people an essay congratulations to our eight Sunday Times. interior or twelve? That’ll nominees and prize winners design the Sarah Palin way. KaTe MoSS ‘Nothing cure their youthful at the Guardian Student tastes as good as skinny optimsim. Week 8: the rabbit My week by keith Higgins, aging panto actor*

Sunday I signed an autograph anyway. Les for others. He asked if I was up Friday Only five days to go before the wouldn’t mind, we go way back. to anything. Ha, I can’t believe IT WAS BRILLIANT! first night. It’s nice to have my Aladdin in ’94, I think it was. Or, he didn’t know. “Well,” I chuck- Darlings, the audience loved name back up in lights. Jack and as I like to call them, the good old led, “have you heard of a little me. How they laughed the Beanstalk, starring Lil’ Chris days. Few problems in rehearsal. place called the Cambridge Arts when I fell over, how they as Jack, Kate Thornton as Jack’s Kate broke down in tears when Theatre?” He hadn’t. Probably cheered when I couldn’t mother and, of course, me, repris- someone mentioned X Factor. hasn’t been in the game long find Jack, how they ing my greatest role. Olivier had “Simon... was... just... so cruel,” enough. howled when I couldn’t Hamlet, Brando had Kowalski, she sobbed. I knew how she felt. It remember the words. and I’d like to think that I’ll be was like that time I was dropped Thursday I actually couldn’t, remembered as making the part of from appearing on Richard and Shit. Norwich has got John and but, you know, I went Buttons my very own. Judy because Chico was available Edward as Tweedle Dum and with it. Professional, instead. Well, who’s laughing now, Tweedle Dee. The bastards, we you see. “He’s behind Monday eh? It wasn’t Chico time when I can’t compete with that. They’re you!” they shouted. He’s Strolled around Cambridge today, last checked my watch. lil’ler than Chris and more ITV always been behind me! bit of free time in-between the than Kate. I saw their version of ‘dress’ rehearsal as we call it in the Wednesday ‘Ghostbusters’, that’s dynamite Saturday trade. Beautiful little town. Got Talked to Peter Andre today. stuff. The kind of things the kids And the reviews are in. “Lots recognised in M&S. Well, sort of. Good friends, Pete and me, worked are looking at on FaceSpace. Might of laughs for the children” says ClAuDIA STOCkEr A woman came over to me as I was together on SM:TV a few years have to step up my act. Hmm, I one. Well, I’ll say. “Good song and calling. I knew I was admiring the ties. “Are you?” she back, before he got the big break. think I can still juggle. Plus, saw in dance routine”. I’ll make a note back in the limelight when I spoke said. Oh, you’ve got me, I thought. Terrible time with his wife, but the papers that Chico’s re-releas- to get in touch with the Strictly to my agent. What was it she said? I reached into my jacket pocket for he’ll bounce back. You can’t stop ing ‘Chico Time’ with a guest rap people. “Just more of the same”. Oh yes, ‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’. a signed photo. “Yes, I thought it a man who came up with a classic from Nappy from N-Dubz or some Ha, more of the same comedy gold, It’ll be any day now. was you. Barbara, come here, it’s like ‘Hysteria’, no sir. Such a lovely such. Wonder if I can sneak ‘it’s I imagine. Just have to wait by the Les Dennis.” How bloody ignorant. guy as well, always looking out Higgins time’ into the script? phone for the West End to start * As told to Ray Fule-Tiefur Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Friday November 27th 2009 19 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sex, Food and TV Food and Drink Come The high street’s Christmassy culinary delights are Together here. Tanya Iqbal fi nds the best of the batch.

Boys who are girls who like boys to be girls who do girls like they’re boys who do boys like they’re girls... Deck the halls with wine and sex toys, tra la la la laa la la la la.

t arrived at the porters’ lodge in Santa suit with removable crotch. A “So I bought you something,” I a long phallic package. “That’s porter found her on the College roof said. “It’s not much,” all the time Ieither the biggest dildo Ann at 3am seeking a chimney. This year thinking, pretty fucking pricy, Summers has ever dispatched,” Charlie knocked on my door late in but we’ll roll with this. She took Charlie said, “or a bottle of wine.” the evening with a ‘Santa’s Coming’ the bottle and turned it over. “A We name our porters after the seven hat on and a tinselled crotch. replacement.” dwarfs. Bashful didn’t know quite “You’re not going to go?” he looked “And this isn’t just a sudden where to look. aghast. Then amused. “I thought attempt to join the Fuck A Fresher “You’ll never know. Enjoy the we’d be spending the night together. club?” What’s red, white and only comes out at Christmas? No, not Santa, a Starbucks mental images, though.” End of term tradition, and all that.” “I’m long enrolled.” cup, obviously. “If it’s wine,” he called after me, I thought of King’s Affair. Tinsel “You know,” she said, “I think “you should share it.” would be even harder to remove the reason you wouldn’t before was f Christmas and food were munchies. “Merry Mushroom “And if it’s not?” from my sheets than the glitter had because, well, it’s pretty conven- both people, they would be Medley” for a sandwich? The Romance is always tactical, and been. “Not this time,” I said. “You tional, isn’t it? Boy meets girl. Ibest friends. Their friend- ternary alliteration isn’t really nothing helps those tactics more look like a pornographic Blueprint Not exactly what you’re used to. ship would be one of warmth and selling it but the proceeds from than Christmas. Big fi res and lots of reject.” I waited a while before Scared?” tenderness – they would enjoy this range do go towards Shelter warm, thick alcohol. Tacky lights on calling on Anna, relieved that this I took the corkscrew from the walks in the park and trips to the so cut them some slack. Sains- John Lewis. The only time of year wasn’t the evening for her integra- shelf. “We could be wearing Santa cinema and they would probably bury’s attempt to jump on the when you can sing ‘You scumbag, tion into a sweaty hovel of fancy hats and dancing to Mariah Carey,” go bowling on Sundays. Christmas culinary bandwagon you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot’ dress and Apple VKs. She was I said. “It could be worse.” She put The wholesome nature of this involves excruciating background in a lover’s face with heartfelt sitting at her desk watching Trinity. the needle down on Abbey Road. festive friendship is becoming music as well as having a small adoration. The Christmas Bop “How very Scroogeish of you,” I We could start with The Beatles more and more apparent in the section of their shelving devoted incorporates all such festivities. Kris said. The great crushing silence of and sex. It seemed as good a place gastronomic nuances that are entirely to a variety of stuffi ng came last year, and she wore a Mrs female irritation. as any. taking place at this time of year. ‘mix’, helping bring some bona fi de Starbucks has brought back the Betty Crocker vibes to the Christ- red cups for take-away beverages, mas table. X Factor 2009 has taught us more restaurants are all encouraging In terms of having a sit-down than anything is that its CEOs are their customers to ‘take a look’ at meal, however, to mark the start BOXED no more than spineless money- their Christmas menus and high- of the so-called “party season”, a minded villains who sit backstage street chains have introduced new destination of unrivalled excel- wanking over newspaper inches. versions of quotidian food gone all lence is The Punter, the most IN But you knew that already. So, on Christmassy. amazing gastropub in all of Albion. this crossroads of the show, as we Pret is offering a beast of a The food, though pricy (about £20 The weekly guide pause before embarking on the fi nal sandwich that is a microcosmic per head for three courses), is leg when the power transfers solely Christmas dinner squashed worth every last dreg of student to staying in and to YOU with no interference from between two fragile slices of loan. Baby G says “they serve switching on Cheryl’s glistening eyes, Louis’s bread, effectively trivialising British food at its best, includ- senile giggle, Danni’s dimness, and the most important meal of the ing lots of game. I defi nitely rate Simon’s ego, let’s look back at the year; Eat now stocks a delight- their scallops with black pudding or some people, Peep Show journey so far. fully festive “spiced pear and and baby turnips.” Other dishes sums up our generation. It’s been an emotional couple of stilton” sandwich which, though include roast lamb, seabass and FThat may be true for the months. This is what it must be like slightly out of place alongside a asparagus risotto. Everything sarky, Cambridge-educated side to have children. You watch them Diet Coke and a banana, suppos- here is cooked to perfection; the of us. But there is another show show off, make fools of themselves edly epitomises the ultimate choice of food is impeccable and that speaks to our hearts. X Factor and become sexualised through the marriage between sweet and the pub itself is cosy and relaxed. Search: epitomises our credit-crunched, infl uence of the media. You feel a savoury; Marks and Sparks have Food-wise there probably is no bob+dylan+must+be+santa desperate search for escapism; our gush of pride when they do well and gone completely mental – their better way to celebrate the end of need to be drowned in so much you urge them on. But there the colossal range of Christmas foods Michaelmas – in fact if Carlsberg glitter we forget how much less metaphor ends, because when an X adapted for the humble packed- did a pub dinner, it would proba- glossy we are than those inside our Factor contestant fails you forget lunch format looks as if it has been bly be at The Punter. screens. about them. Can you name all those designed by a Father Christmas What this year’s star-studded who have gone? No, nor can I. who has been hit hard by the competition has brought is an It doesn’t matter, because every- onslaught of light. It is like a blind- one knows that the best thing about ing air-brushing of dreams. The X Factor is Cheryl Cole. Look at Recipe: Gingerbread Men more light we’re blinded with those dimples. Look at that fake the more these aspirations look hair. She’s not the face of L’Oreal This Christmas classic does not Method: reachable. And it’s that irony that for nothing. Coming a close second taste better in liquidised form 1. Mix fl our, butter, ginger, bicar- makes it so sickeningly fun. Take is Stacey. Essex born and bred, from Starbucks. Stop lying to bonate of soda in mixing bowl Jedward’s meteoric rise of infamy: nineteen-year-old single mum yourself. until crumbly. Add sugar, syrup, they’ve had a riot. Stacey has a charming overbite and egg, mix until it forms a fi rm On Sunday we waved goodbye to a beautiful voice (when she sings). Ingredients: pastry mix. these rhythmless mosquitoes. It’s She’s the winner. As the judges 350g / 12oz plain fl our 2. Pre-heat the oven to 180°C / about time, because according to a constantly remind us, it’s all about 175g / 6oz light soft brown sugar 350°F / Gas Mark 4 friend who keeps up to date with the likeability factor. Now, imagine 100g / 4oz butter 3. Roll pastry to about 5mm thick. What’s coming down your Reveal magazine, they were fi nding a night on the town with Stacey and 1 medium egg Cut out shapes with pastry cutter. chimney? Bob Dylan, looking like the pressures of the spotlight a little Cheryl. It would be like drinking in 4 tablespoons of golden syrup 4. Place shapes on greased or the Tim Burton version of Frank too much to bear. It’s a shame, but glitter. ROSE CHENEVIX 1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda non-stick baking tray. from Shameless, backed up by an it would be naive to suppose that ½ teaspoon of ground ginger 5. Put baking trays in the accordian. He’s behind you, kids! their success would have been a X Factor is on Saturday at 8pm on ITV 1 and pre-heated oven. Remove after 15 triumph for X Factor cynics. What is available on ITV Player. minutes (check after 10 minutes). Friday November 27th 2009 Arts Editor: Laura Freeman 20 Arts www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Cataracts, hurricanoes A Decade of Theatre and... chutzpah? Despite a celebrated career as one of the nation’s greatest Shakespearean thesps, Simon Russell Beale tells Lauren Cooney that acting wasn’t always his strong point. one are the proscenium arches, the imon Russell Beale tells me that his in his stride: “I realised I was crap. I was a to be directed. It’s about wanting to learn black boxes, and the comfy seats trouble is that he is “rather passive”. very bad actor.” Instead he sang in Trinity something new… the most terrifying thing Gwhere you can fall asleep. Well, SFair play, given that we are both settled chamber choir and was a choral scholar at would be to be considered a big stage star maybe not entirely gone, but certainly comfy in armchairs, smoking cigarettes and Caius. Nightly evensong commitments do not and not to be directed”. As an actor he challenged: the last decade has asked us to drinking tea. He wins superficial brownie exactly sit well with Cambridge’s intensive places great importance on directors being question exactly what theatre is. points for being über relaxed. But this rehearsal schedules. After his degree Beale able to reassure him about the work, and Mainstream but unconventional ‘passive’ doesn’t really stick. Not least because went to Guildhall to train as an opera singer. admits to recently calling up Nick Hytner companies like Punchdrunk and Frantic we are sitting in his rather slick Pimlico flat Perhaps his portly frame and sturdy vocal and making him promise that their upcom- Assembly have put the text aside, and (which he apologises for, bemoaning his lack chords would have lent themselves to belting ing show together will be funny. Having brought devising downstage. At a Punch- of a Hollywood salary), but mainly because out operas forevermore had his ‘chutzpah’ toured with Mendes’ Anglo-American Bridge drunk show the audience can expect to he uses the word ‘chutzpah’ in relation to his not intervened. “Halfway through the year Project, performing The Winter’s Tale and wander around fully immersed in the career so many times, I keep expecting my at Guildhall, I asked whether they would The Cherry Orchard in repertory, he found action, deciding what to watch. At a cup of tea to be topped up with chicken soup. audition me for the acting course… it was little discrepancy between the English and Frantic Assembly production you might Beale knows what he wants and knows unheard of.” He believes that his audacity American actors’ training and ability, except not know whether you are watching dance what he likes, he is expressive and hilari- won him the place. His audition speeches choreography or a music gig. Companies ous. In his career so far he has avoided film were “rather terrible”. Not content with such as Kneehigh and Complicite have because he is constantly offered parts for training at one of London’s top drama “The most terrifying incorporated mass media, with video “gay, overweight, Oxford-educated, middle- schools, when an old Cambridge friend and recordings and projection featuring class boys”, and convincingly argues, “I can director, Steve Unwin offered him a part at thing would be to be heavily. Kneehigh’s Brief Encounter do that or I can play Richard III.” He muses Edinburgh’s Traverse Theatre, he upped and originally took place at the cinema on the that Philip Seymour Hoffman has a monopoly left once more. He claims that his big break considered a big stage Haymarket, and the action flitted between over the roles he’d have liked to have played, occurred later by telling a director “this role live play and film excerpts – actors in and enthuses that perhaps one day long-time is me” in an audition. Cue fag break, sip of tea, star and not to be 1940s garb sold cucumber sandwiches friend Sam Mendes will make a film that isn’t and chortle of “yes, chutzpah again”. directed.” during the interval. set in suburban America. In the meantime, Unusually for his time, Beale stayed with The Edinburgh festival increasingly he will stick with his lengthy résumé of the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) for encapsulates the sense of ‘anywhere Shakespearean and Chekhovian protagonists; eight years. The company kept him inter- that American actors are more private about and everywhere’ theatre, with shows unless someone offers him a delicious piece of ested, offering him a succession of meaty the development of their characters. British popping up in schools, train-station and New Writing (“well-God-yes-please”). roles. This didn’t stop him being wary of actors will “ask other people, ‘Well, why did disused trailers – directors are continu- He is now a household name in contempo- accepting when new hotshot Mendes asked you do that?’” ally demanding we re-think our staid rary British theatre; my supervisor him to play Thersites in his debut This questioning stems from Beale’s desire and passive preconceptions. The Globe holds him up as our finest RSC production of Troilus and to learn. He marks that his unsuccessful Theatre, barely a decade old, is a great working actor. However, Cressida, not wishing to play career in Cambridge drama was because way to feel like an active audience member. his plethora of impres- another Shakespearean “nobody taught me what it was about, how to Stand in the pit as actors pass through sive parts actually clown. Luckily he was do it really”. He is grateful to Steve Unwin the crowd, or bop along with your friends sprang from a won over and he who took him in hand, and did “just absolute at the end of show jig. And good old Nick more inauspicious rates his working clarity, simplicity, and listening”. Consider- Hytner at the helm of The National (above) background. relationship with ing how many emotionally charged roles he has supported this re-shuffle with £10 He attended Mendes as one of has played, he has developed a technique for Travelex tickets that yell ‘grey hairs out, Gonville and his most valued. understanding characters that stems from hoodies in’. Theatre is trying to appeal to Caius during He still thinks Unwin’s teachings: “don’t worry at all about the masses again. the same era of Troilus and the emotional state of the character, until That’s not to say that everything is that Stephen Cressida as you have worked out exactly what they are kooky and youth-orientated. If you fancy Fry and co. one of Mendes’ saying, then you’ll find an emotional state some Shakespearean heavyweight then were making most successful that you don’t expect or preconceive”. Beale’s barely a season goes by without Ian waves, but productions: method takes him straight to the text. He McKellen or Patrick Stewart headlining definitely “it was soooo uses his interpretation of Cassius in Julius the RSC. The Donmar Warehouse has was not part cool - all pale Caesar to explain: when preparing for the also entered into a ridiculous period of of their colours, cynical role he found that Cassius threatens to household names flouncing themselves only Footlights and sophisti- commit suicide in every scene that he is in. metres from your face. Recent big hits crowd. He cated. There was This turns the preconceived image of Cassius include Jude Law’s Hamlet, Rachel Weisz remem- no waving to as a “cool, cold, calculating, political operator” in A Streetcar Named Desire, and Kenneth bers being mummy”. into a “passionate man - if you play it so that Branagh in Chekhov’s Ivanov. Kevin rejected from Beale is aware of he really means [suicide] every time”. Looking Spacey’s turn as Artistic Director of The an audition by the directors that out for such repetitions and ideas has helped Old Vic proves that Hollywood yearns to Hugh Laurie, have inspired him, prevent him from “washing a character with be on the stage, enforced by Sam Mendes but took it all and of those directors what you know”. Bridge Project, which brought an Anglo- and writers he would Then the doorbell rings, and his brother – American cast (including Ethan Hawke, like to work with in an opera singer turned wine-seller – comes to Simon Russell Beale, Sinead Cusack, and the future. “Most have dinner with him. Chivalrously, he walks Rebecca Hall) to The Old Vic last summer. actors I know me back to the tube station, and we briefly Finally, courses such as The Soho want discuss what he might do next. He yearns to Theatre and The Royal Court Young do something site-specific but his ‘passive’ Writers’ Programme show that new tendencies have so far intervened. Unexpect- writing is also flourishing. This is not edly, the Shakespeare part that he currently just about education and access, but also hankers for most is Cleopatra. Aside from offers sustainable, exciting careers in an that, he tells me that (after firm assurance industry that is crying out for fresh blood. that he will be right for it) he is going to be Check out Polly Stenham (That Face) and playing King Lear at the National, directed Michael Wynne (My Summer of Love) by Mendes in 2012. And just as I was thinking for cold, hard evidence. As my mum said that he was getting predictable, he follows to me only last weekend, ‘theatre at the this up with “well, we’ll be bombed anyway”: moment is really rather good’. Russell Beale: won’t play the ‘gay, overweight, Oxford-educated, middle-class’ boy. looks like his chutzpah hasn’t left him just yet. Arts Editor: Laura Freeman Friday November 27th 2009 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Arts 21 He Who Dares Wins David Pegg challenges Andy Tompkins, Andrew Sheerin and Tom Morgan-Jones masterminds behind controversial board game War on Terror to a round in the firing line

few days prior to March 20, 2003, setup is out-and-proud leftie, and behind its national media would cherry-pick quotes ‘trust’ in order to shore up the value of their Andy Tompkins and Andrew Sheerin black comedy, the guys rage with pent-up to suit their preferred controversy. The crumbling banks and secure the biggest Awere sat on a sofa, dejectedly watch- anti-establishment anger. “It’s the insanity, penny dropped after a tense BBC segment, bail-out/retirement fund possible. Naturally, ing Newsnight. Dubya had issued his ‘leave the stupidity, the absurdity of it all,” replies in which Andy was going to be interviewed cheating in all its forms is compulsory. Iraq’ ultimatum to Saddam. Invasion was Andy when I ask about their motivations. with a 7/7 survivor. At the last minute, the A smaller, cheaper card game, it has pretty much inevitable. Frustrated, angry, “We wanted to touch that nerve and get producer informed him that the man actually courted considerably less controversy than and slightly drunk, that was the moment that people around a table talking.” liked some of the points that their game its predecessor. This, Andy quips, is “largely they hit upon their plan for the ultimate act And touch a nerve they did. Andrew raised, but that this didn’t really suit the due to the size of the box.” The boys are as of subversion, the perfect satire, a slap in the Lansley MP sternly intoned that “someone ‘shock’ angle that the Beeb was seeking. sceptical about economic recovery as face to the powers that be. “By the end of has gone too far”. The Cambridge News ran Controversy aside, TerrorBull has the night, we pretty much knew it would be a front page story, and the Sun denounced enjoyed as much praise as it has condem- called ‘War on Terror: The Boardgame’ and the game’s gleeful, messy imagery as “sick”. nation. Numerous outlets, the BBC that it would have an Axis of Evil spinner,” From there the ball began rolling. UK included, have now reversed course recalls Andrew. tabloids exploded with predictably outraged applauding their bleak satire. Most Such was the beginning of TerrorBull denunciations of the game, decrying it pleasingly for the boys, some Games. The two Andys, web designers and as ‘exploitative’ and ‘insensitive’, before of their heroes have stepped friends since childhood, began brainstorm- phoning up survivors of terrorist attacks to forward to commend them. ing rules and mechanics, and recruited Tom tell them about it and ask them what they Journalist John Pilger Morgan-Jones, an illustrator and satirist, thought. Jacqui Putnam, a prominent 7/7 described the game as to design the game’s artwork. They had no survivor, told the Daily Mail that it was previous experience of boardgames (other “inappropriate”, and Rachel North took the than the occasional bout of Christmas Risk) time to write to the makers to describe her or design, but they perceived this as an fury. But the TerrorBull boys faced advantage, describing their debut as “the more than just angry individuals. sort of game that would never get made if Their website features a ‘Coali- we knew anything about board games”. And tion of the Unwilling’ page, they’ve enjoyed plenty of hassle for their chronicling their history of troubles. back-and-forth with nervous War on Terror: The Boardgame requires stockists and furious toy fairs. its players to “wage war on the most truth dangerous abstract noun known to man”, “through the fog of encouraging them to fight for “truth, justice an often collusive and and a decent slice of oil-rich land”. Wield- compliant media”. The they are about neo-con foreign policy, and ing banknotes from the “World Bank of Oslo Peace Museum and they’re not too keen on the financial system Capitalism”, each empire attempts to ‘liber- Amnesty International do a at all. “What just happened in the last 12 ate’ the nations of their rivals. All the while roaring trade on their months, you don’t just come out of,” insists they funnel money to terrorists, who are websites. One Amazon Tom. “It’s not just a few bad apples. A extremely useful for destabilising opponents, review reports that system that rewards greed with profit will until it emerges that other empires can fund “the first time I played just get out of control on those terms.” and control your little partisans. The whole this game I laughed so When I ask about their next project, the hard I soiled myself”. boys are tight-lipped, referring to it only as Noam Chomsky’s grand- ‘the difficult third album’, but they assure me son likes playing with the that “whatever we choose, it’ll be unique.” Axis Balaclava, with ‘EVIL’ Will they be seeking to touch that tender stitched into the forehead. The nerve again? Probably. On balance, War positive reactions made for a welcome on Terror was a gamble that paid off, and relief. “Being called ‘sick’ solidly for TerrorBull still can’t quite believe the range two weeks does get you down a bit”, of reactions that it elicited. Tom recounts muses Andrew. a trip to the German Historical Museum Reinvigorated after the head-rush of in Berlin. “We’re used to having it out on two weeks’ solid controversy, the Terror- the table and messing about with it. Inside Bull boys prepared to invest their experience the museum it was glassed off, and people and refreshed zeal into whichever unspeak- were staring at it really seriously.” Andrew able controversy should next raise its head. smiles. “After everything that’s happened, I tom morgan-jones Come summer, their second game ‘Crunch: look at what this game has done, and I think The Game for Utter Bankers’ was in stores. to myself ‘that’s fucking nuts’.” Borders Cambridge was amongst the stores As finance CEOs, players must cultivate who reneged on pledges to stock the game, (but have since changed course, and, accord- ing to the TerrorBull boys, are now enjoying decent sales). It’s a reaction that wasn’t entirely unantic- ipated. When I ask if they ever wondered about whether or not it’s legitimate to criticise their game as taste- less, Andy admits that from the start, “We knew there’d be a ‘you can’t do that’ element, but if we were dead boring and not having fun, people wouldn’t be asking that question.” Andrew concurs. “Those who are offended are genuine, but context and intention are every- thing. We wanted people to take another look at the whole thing.” The trio look back on themselves as having been slightly naive now, confessing that they never realised that 22 Friday November 27th 2009 Arts Editor: Laura Freeman Arts www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Meating of Minds Google ‘Meat Magazine’ and you get two results. One is a trade journal for butchers. The other is a hub of creativity and a typography geek’s dream. Roisin Kiberd meets co-founder James Pallister. he joke goes that on the internet no persevere and be pushy.” After this came They’re shite, I’m not interested in that!” who were motivated to do side projects. If one knows you’re a dog. In publishing, two Guardian student media awards: Small Rather than live up to the detractors’ you can get involved with them, they’re the Tlikewise, no one knows you’ve no office Budget Publication of the Year and runner views of a pretentious ex-Oxbridge magazine kind of people who, provided they don’t get and a minimal budget. Many magazines up in Design, for which they had to whip up a (“there are people who’ll think you’re just a jobs in the City, will continue to do creative like to give the impression of being a bigger third, retrospectively-assembled ‘pilot issue’ bunch of stuck up little pricks, even if that things. Find something specific that you’re operation than they really are, but Meat to fulfil the competition conditions. just isn’t true”), Meat stuck to its founding interested in, and just WRITE, keep at it takes this to a new level. The whole thing With so much achieved after only two aims of promoting new creative writing and and persevere!” Enthusiasm and dedication is run out of one desk in a rented house in issues, the project had too much potential to art. “One of the original ideas behind Meat can amount to something great, and Pallis- Kilburn. The desk belongs to James Pallis- was that it would serve as a springboard for ter’s own story serves as proof. ‘Publish ter, co-founder of Meat, recent Cambridge young artists”, says Pallister. “Many of our or perish’. And for any aspiring magazine graduate and self-taught graphic designer “I don’t want it to illustrators are only just out of college; I go publishers, the name ‘Arse’ remains untaken. and publisher. The desk is cluttered with around the country looking for new work at sketches and printed submissions, scrap be some poncy art Grad shows.” books documenting the first mock-up issues, I ask Pallister if he worries about the and on the wall, thumb-tacked samples of magazine” future, or if the fall in commercial publishing the gorgeous, varied illustrations that will might actually bring about a rise in hand- make it into future editions. Pallister skims crafted zines and indie media? through a scrapbook of plans and layouts abandon after leaving Cambridge. “I moved ‘We definitely do have our own niche for the first issue. “We wanted a four or down to London, and the two of us decided audience, and niche magazine sales are still five-letter word for the name, something we would give ourselves a year to get the doing well by comparison. They’re a bit more one-syllable and memorable. ‘Baby’ was one project off the ground. We had to do shitty bespoke and handcrafted, and there’ll always we played around with. And it was called jobs to support ourselves, we tried to get be a market for this’. There is something ‘ARSE’ for ages.” Arts Council funding but didn’t have much endearingly lo-fi and collectable about Meat, Before they had even settled on a name luck. Essentially we were trying to launch a with its unusual print-size, wood-block and image, Pallister and co-founder Nick start-up business, and it’s quite a hard thing graphics and grainy brown paper. For a Hayes took their project to the pavements to do.” recent launch party, held in a friend’s gallery, on the Sidgwick Site, handing out fliers and Through their Borders connections Pallis- Pallister even gift-wrapped 200 copies and looking for submissions, in revolt against ter and Hayes slowly began to break into tied them up with twine. what they saw as a dearth of creative a scene of upcoming writers and artists in Issue Four of Meat took ‘Publish or Perish’ writing in Cambridge. “There wasn’t any London. “There was this network of indepen- as its motto, but it’s hard for a small-scale business plan as such, we hadn’t even dent magazines in the city, I think it was publication to keep going to press without though that far ahead. A lot of the stuff I a very good time for independent media.” a few concessions to commercial printing. just learned as we went along.” With the Pallister describes himself as having been Pallister is under no illusions about the reali- first issue assembled by the following term, an outsider at Cambridge; did he not find ties of keeping his dream alive. He explains Pallister and Hayes threw a launch party himself up against a yet more pretentious “it already is commercial, really, in that we and set about selling it to their friends. art-media clique on arriving in the city? have a distributor who takes fifty percent of The next step, naturally, was to sell their “I suppose that at some point you have to our costs. We’re not scared of making money. student magazine in Borders. “As long as embrace what you’ve become part of, and not But because of the way it’s set up, as a there’s proof that people actually buy it, be quick to disparage things you’re intimi- sideline, there’s no time to do ad sales.” He’d then stockists will take it. We’d sold out all dated by. From the get-go we’ve always like to work towards a similar project, but our issues and ended up printing a further tried not to take ourselves too seriously. I slightly more commercially viable. “Right hundred due to demand. You just have to don’t want it to be some poncy art magazine. now I’m researching different business models. I’d like to be able to make a living out of this, maybe not with Meat, but with something like it.” I ask what his advice would be for aspiring writers and illustrators, whether they should put their time into web-based projects, or try to keep print media alive. “We’re keen to get new blood into the magazine. Ideally I’d like our website to work as a community hub, but still keep this really beautifully produced print edition to go with it.” He’s sceptical of forming false friendships at university for the sake of networking, but is adamant that everyone should pursue their creative interests. “One thing I took from Cambridge was that there were loads of creative people Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Friday November 27th 2009 23 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Listings

National Rail Disco Cambridge On Ice wednesdaydecember 2nd, kambar 22.00 parkers piece, until january 3rd, 9.00-21.00 (£10) (£4-8.95 book online)

Fed up with the drinking ban on There’s no better way to the train? It’s your one way ticket spend your last week of to a truly epic night The term than watch- Pick Pick of the out before the end ing your mates of the week of term. Public do their best week Clubs transport has Dancing On Ice Events never been so fit. Varsity impression. And failing. Week Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events Glorious 39 Friday November 27th Ali Baba and the Forty Ongoing Exhibitions Friday November 27th Arts Picturehouse,Fri/sAt/Mon/thurs: Dr Feelgood and Nine Thieves Fitzwilliam Museum Terry Alderton 11.40 (not sAt), 15.30, 16.10 (not Mon), 20.50, Adc theAtre, tues-sAt 19.45, sAt MAt 14.30 the junction, j2, 20.00, (£10) sun: 15.45, 18.20, 20.50, Mon: 18.20, tue: 11.40, Below Zero (£6/9) (Free) 16.30, 21.10, Weds: 15.30, 20.50 the junction, 19.00 (£17.50 Adv) Special Display: Matthew Boulton Bald comedian tells jokes at the Yoo hoo, it’s behind you. Bring your When a British film has a weak Got your milk and alcohol? Get and the Industrial Revolution Junction. Big jokes, small jokes. mum, bring your nan, bring the kid script they throw in Christopher down to the Junction for some more (until March 21st). Just jokes. Punchlines aplenty. you baby sit. Bring your chortle- Lee as a wizened support or Bill Sculpture promenade Dad rock. bellies. Friday November 27th Nighy as Bill Nighy. Stars Bill (until January 31st). Nighy and Christopher Lee. Saturday November 28th Going Short Ann Summers Party CUMS the union, 20.00, (Pre-booking essentiAl) Adc theAtre, Fri-sAt 23.00 (£4-6) People’s Portraits Are you posh? Are you a member ely cAthedrAl, 19.30 (£5-30) Stock up on Investment Banking girton college, until deceMber 1st. of the Union? Why not get posh sex Taste goes out the window as knowledge in time for having a big (Free) toys at the Union? No lads allowed. Mahler’s stentorian, overwrought chat about your future with your Millennial Royal Society of ‘Symphony of a Thousand’ gets an dad. Portrait Painters’ collection on Saturday November 28th outing at Ely. long-term loan to Girton, depicting Sponsored Sleep-out The Blue Room ordinary people from all walks of Sunday November 29th life. PArker’s Piece, 21.00 (register online) Oasis @ Fez Adc theAtre, Weds-sAt 23.00 (£4-6) Would like to receive money for Rumour has it that this production Fez, 22.00-03.00 (£4) Courtyard Installation: what poor people do for free? will be following the mode set by It’s the last Oasis of term. Your Remember, all proceeds go to Nicole Kidman when she was in the ‘100 Questions’ Christmas vacation will be dry FitzWilliAM MuseuM, until noveMber charity. show, and that you will get to see without it. 29th. (Free) Twilight: New Moon both a Woo Woo and a Noo Noo on A series of pertinent questions Monday November 30th the vue: see website for details Sunday November 29th stage. written by Nobel Laureates relat- Reflections on re-treading New Moon, New Moon, you saw Hip-Bones & Spare Bed ing to the Earth’s sustainability. Darwin’s ‘gigantic me sitting in Vue, without a spare God blunder’ in Glen Roy Trio bateman auditorium, caius, fri-sat 20.30 seat in sight, without a braincell in Anji Jackson-Main: seMinAr rooM 1, dePArtMent oF history clAre cellArs, clAre college 21.00-23.45 (£3.50) gear... And PhilosoPhy oF science, 13:00-14:15. (£4) It’s 500BC – you got Athens, you paintings (Free) Take a trip down the cellars on MurrAy edWArds college, sundAy noveM- got Socrates, you got Blanche Du ber 22ns- sAturdAy deceMber 19th. (Free) Find out about Darwin’s Gigantic A Serious Man Sunday for incongruously hip Arts Picturehous: dAily (not sun): 14.00, Bois, and it is by Woody Allen Resident artist at the Cambridge Blunder. Nothing to do with the sounding jazz and funk. 14.20, 16.40, 21.00, sun: 11.00, 13.20, 15.40, 18.00 (below). School of Art, Anji Jackson Main’s Darwin football heads now on sale. The trailer is punctuated by the paintings explore the dynamic Obviously the perfect Christmas sound of a man having his head Wednesday December 2nd possibilities that arise from the use prezzie. repeatedly smashed against a 3 Daft Monkeys of the body in making marks on blackboard. The film is painful. the junction, j2, 20.00 (£10 Adv) canvas. Can’t say they didn’t warn you. If you prefer folk to dance and monkeys to punks, this is the gig Roger Hilton: late works 2012 for you. the vue: see Website For detAils and the night letters kettle’s yArd, sAturdAy nov 21st- sundAy Budgetary constraints nearly Thursday December 3rd jAnuAry 20th, 11:30-5PM. (Free) derailed this project, which was Alison Moyet A sequel to last year’s exhibition, originally titled 4012. the corn exchAnge, 19.30 (£27 Adv) focusing on Roger Hilton’s contri- One of the biggest stars of the 80s, bution to 1960s Abstract Art, this The White Ribbon the former Yazoo singer comes to latest instalment examines Hilton’s Arts Picturehouse: Fri: 12.30, 15.40, sAt: Cambridge. Bring your mum. late works in poster paints, a 12.30,sun: 13.00, Mon: 12.30, 20.30, tue: 11.45, The Lesson material appropriated from his son, 20.50, Wed: 13.30, 20.50, thu: 20.50 corPus PlAyrooM, Fri-sAt 20.00 (£4-6) and goaches as well as his reveal- Nice bit of surrealist Ionesco for ya I just caught a glimpse of the ing letters written to his wife, in the morning. Contains a Chinese advertising poster and I now Rose, in his tragic final years. have clinical depression. Thanks burn and Butler. Austria. 24hr Plays Ayreen Anastas and Rene The Informant! Gabri: M* of Bethlehem Adc theAtre, Mon 23.00 (£5/6) Thursday December 3rd the vue: see Website For detAils Take Kevin Spacey’s ingenious and other films kettle’s yArd, until jAnuAry 10th , 11:30- Predicting Biological Film producers often try to make idea at The Old Vic and throw it 5PM. (Free) dull films seem more exciting by Functions At Different onto a Cambridge stage. One night Running alongside the new Roger Spatial Scales: From adding an exclamation mark. But only. Book to witness the Drowned Hilton exhibition (Late works and surely not here! It’s Matt Damon Molecules To Ecosystems Friday December 4th and the Saved. Night Letters) is this selection of as an industrial whistleblower!! films by contemporary, New York- sMAll Public lecture rooM, MicrosoFt Mick Hutton Group reseArch ltd, 7 j. j. thoMson Avenue (oFF Great!!! Rosencratz and based artists, Anastas and Gabri, cAMbridge Modern jAzz club, kettle’s MAdingley roAd), 14.00-15.00 (Free) Up yeArd, 19.00 (£8-16) Guildenstern are Dead whose work examines aspects of End your term in style with an Special jazz concert at Kettle’s PeMbroke neW cellArs, Fri-sAt 19.30 (£4-6) language and places, including a engaging Scientific talk with the new court theatre, christ’s, sunday 29th 19.30 (£2.50) Yard from one of Europe’s finest The little known modern play video map which compares contem- incredibly named Dr Chris Bork. Wildly popular Pixar animation bass players. Second only to about little known men from a little porary Bethlehem with a map of Have a very Happy Christmas, and unofficial sequel to Downfall. Basshunter. known Renaissance Tragedy. the city in 1973. listings readers. 24 Friday November 27th 2009 Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Reviews www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

music christmas Releases

paul smith Bob Dylan sufjan stevens christmas in the heart songs for christmas  

Dylan has always been contrary: Songs For Christmas proves going electric in 1965, the born- that seasonal music can be more again evangelism of the late than just the tinsel of department 1970s, and his present refusal to store tracks and alcohol-hazy play old classics in recognisable sing-alongs. On the five EPs forms. Being typical, rather than in this box set Sufjan Stevens anomalous, features throughout wanders through the whole his lengthy career. thematic wonderland of Christ- That said, Christmas In mas and (thank baby Jesus) gives The Heart is unexpected by the holiday back its properly any estimation. A modern-day joyous sound. scrooge, Dylan’s general misan- Terrific originals and skilfully thropy of recent years has been arranged standards abound on transformed, the limited edition each of the EPs, although Vol version of this release even III: Ding! Dong!, with tracks like including Christmas cards. ‘That Was The Worst Christmas play your cards right and maybe one day you too can look as handsome as lemmy. The culmination of a love Ever!’, is where the collection affair with the Bing Crosby era, really takes off. Vols. III-IV motörhead The leg shaking noise of the first throbbing chords meant that ‘Just this album delivers seasonal showcase original pieces strong the corn exchange, monday november few songs was initially overwhelm- ‘Cos You Got the Power’ stood out standards without the slightest enough to be on Stevens’ regular 23rd ing but Lemmy’s growl soon cut as one of the most powerful songs hint of irony. Dylan’s cracked LPs, and it is these songs that  through the texture, inserting of the set. Lemmy’s strangled voice struggling to do justice make the box set such a pleasur- nihilistic menace into ‘Metropolis’. vocals: “Just ‘cos you got the power, to kitsch favourites is a rare able listen. After the opening barrage, the doesn’t mean you got the right” moment of vulnerable humility. Whether or not you’ve experi- y Dad saw Motorhead structure of the songs started to were repeated as Campbell wove Descending his prophet’s pedes- enced his chamber-folk sound, in 1978 aged 16 and in loosen up. The turbo charged speed increasingly complex guitar lines tal to raise money for homeless this is the place to escape the Mthe interests of self- metal of ‘In The Name Of Tragedy’ around the hypnotic pounding of charities, this could just be his numbing bluster of uninspiring preservation, enjoyed the concert ended with a breathtakingly virtu- the rest of the band. most original and exciting album holiday standards and hear what from the safety of the foyer. Three osic five minute drum solo from The demented ode to gambling, of the last decade. tom keane Christmas sounds like when it decades on, Lemmy, the legend- Mikkey Dee. Making full use of his ‘Ace of Spades’ was the inevitable has some actual life. peter morelli ary lead singer and bassist for the twin kick drums, he pummelled the encore. The offbeat palpitations of The Gentlemen of st Johns Naxos band, is eligible for a bus pass and kit until it felt like a helicopter was the kick drum leant added fervency a gentle christmas in terra pax judging from those in attendance, landing in The Corn Exchange. to the audience favourite.   most of their fans are well into Phil Campbell’s guitar solos Lemmy, legs apart, a black a sedate if grizzled middle age. combined the technically assured Stetson jammed on his head and However, there was no evidence fiddle of Led Zeppelin era heavy an iron cross on his chest had in the performance that the band rock with Motorhead’s brand of the unknowable aura of an old has mellowed. They blasted away shrieking noise to formidable fashioned, no nonsense rockstar. noughties’ health and safety sound effect. At one point a wailing While younger metallers like regulations with ninety punish- pinched harmonic was drowned Ozzy Osbourne have fallen from a Gentle ingly loud minutes of no frills under an unintentional squark of grace, Lemmy is far from having Sacred musicC and Close-harmonyhri for Christmasma s heavy metal – as Lemmy growled feedback which he imitated, deftly any reason to give up rocking and the Gentlemen of St John’s College,U Cambridge in his introduction: “We are Motor- turning it into a chord of feedback. collect his government pension. A Gentle Christmas is a collection There has always been a large head, and we play rock and roll”. The slower tempo and single tom keane of festive pieces encompass- gap between English carols and ing Renaissance polyphony, Bach’s Christmas Oratorio in traditional carols and witty terms of quality and scope in arrangements of festive pop trying to capture the Christmas cambridge Psalms - seen as a reflection of the malaise were synthetic and stilted. The hits. The ensemble display their story in music. This recording caius college choir felt by the composers in being cast fact that most of these compos- flexible musicality by convincing tries to bridge that gap. st john’s chapel, sunday november as ‘British Choral Composers’. ers are atheists and agnostics is in all genres without compromis- Everything here is a rarity. 22nd As the Anglican church arguably not necessarily an issue. Howells, ing their distinct sound. Vaughan Williams’ oft sung  becomes less relevant to British Finzi, Vaughan Williams and Victoria’s ‘O Magnum Myste- Fantasia on Christmas Carols society, the efforts of the compos- Britten, for instance, all produced rium’ opens the record, the alto is studiously avoided in favour of ix Cambridge composers ers to recapture any sense of magnificent ecclesiastical works. lines climbing above the hushed more obscure repertoire. While were commissioned to write ecclesiastical usefulness or even Cambridge Psalm’s indifference to polyphony of the lower parts many of the newer numbers are Snew Psalm settings for this just genuine religious sentiment the message of the Scriptures was creating a sound of incandescent slight, the settings by Howells, concert. The problem with writing the problem, the touchstone of the purity. The sparse medieval Warlock and Leighton are well for an English church choir is that word setting here. Sensitivity to textures and hypnotic repetition worth hearing. such a task requires real skill and the text was largely absent, in both on ‘Coventry Carol’ are empha- The major item here is Finzi’s imagination not to lapse into either detail and overall mood. sised by a three voice rendition. In Terra Pax, simply one of the staid hymnody or grave cerebral- The notable exception was The best tracks are arrange- most moving choral works of ity. For the most part, these Cheryl Frances-Hoad’s eclectic and ments that make even the most 20th century. A beautiful pasto- settings fell into the latter, dryly beautiful setting of Psalm 1, imagi- overplayed of Christmas songs ral retelling of the Christmas and uningratiatingly chromatic, natively written in its disavowal surprise. Former organ scholar story, this may be his single most lacking colour or contrast, and in of any one particular harmonic Leon Charles’ delicately mournful perfect work. the end sounding curiously old scheme, its use of light and shade arrangement of ‘Have Yourself a The singing from the City of fashioned and inhibited. and extraordinary final organ Merry Little Christmas’ gives the London Choir is full, clear and None of these settings were chord glissandoed into the heights track an emotional weight which committed throughout, and particularly religious in tone and and depths of the instrument’s does not exist in the original. soloist Roderick Williams is there was a general pall of unease range, as if the entire building was This is a sophisticated Christ- magnificent in the Finzi. guido and joylessness to the new works. caius college choir: the key to a happy exhaling a final breath. Perhaps it mas record. edward henderson martin-brandis The whole dreary affair could be christmas? was. guido martin-brandis Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Friday November 27th 2009 25 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Reviews Arts Comment FILM AND ARTS Amateur Decision Roger Hilton: Late numerous guises – as the monumen- symbol of freedom through fl ight. Making. The Works and Night Letters tal nude, at the helm of a ship, and However, the fi nal picture in the KETTLE’S YARD, UNTIL JANUARY 11TH sitting sensuously cross-legged exhibition depicts a starkly opaque limited ambition of  next to a dining table, her breasts kestrel-like form descending from and the curvature of her leg lovingly the white sky into a muddy brown Cambridge theatre arking the publication of a highlighted. Hilton’s sketches of abyss; a strikingly emblematic new edition of the ‘Night women pertain to a number of styles image that conveys instantly the MLetters’, the Roger Hilton and show a long-lasting under- tragedy of Hilton’s own fall into Patrick Kingsley exhibition at Kettle’s Yard is a standing and full absorption by the decrepitude. poignant sequel to last year’s fi rst artist of the numerous aesthetic Whilst there is a decidedly instalment of Hilton’s works at the movements that he had encoun- strong element of pathos in this n my spare-time, I make undergraduates. And in pure gallery. Whilst last year’s exhibi- tered in his lifetime. Some of his exhibition (unsurprisingly given theatre posters. Usually, it’s theatrical terms, productions tion, ‘Swinging Out Into The Void’, female fi gures are seen from behind, the context), Hilton’s use of Iquite a simple process. A are staid; physical or devised celebrated Hilton’s contribution to drawn with a Degas-esque lucidity colour in his infantile poster paint friend asks me to put some public- pieces, for example, are virtually the abstract painting of the 1950s and perspective, whilst in his other sketches is joyous, especially in ity together; I draw something; unheard of. and 60s, this latest show examines drawings the nude is reduced to its his vivid depictions of Antibes. A I fi ddle around on Photoshop. Just look at the stats: of the the artist’s tragic descent, encum- sexual signifi ers, perhaps a nod to moving combination of rationality And then the poster gets emailed fi fty-odd plays performed in bered by peripheral neuritis, into his Abstract beginnings. and guilelessness, this exhibition to the printers and appears Cambridge this term, only two senility and helplessness through Aside from the female fi gure, is a beautifully orchestrated paean several days later at a location were devised pieces, and only the documentary evidence of his the other main recurring motif in to an artist who, despite his affl ic- near you. Happy days. My most eight were written in the last ten late gouaches and night letters to Hilton’s work is the bird, a preoc- tions, never neglected his craft. recent project, though, didn’t years. And of those eight, just his wife, Rose. cupation which could be read as a FLORENCE SHARP go so swimmingly. The director fi ve were written by students, Together these sources form a liked it – sure. So too did the and barely three of those strayed visual and literary requiem. Written producer. But the theatre – one beyond comedy. Such is the from his sick-bed, Hilton’s letters to of the bigger ones in Cambridge paucity of new writing that his wife, here arranged separately – kicked up a right rumpus. the admirable Miscellaneous from the paintings under glass cases, My baby, they initially argued, Festival – originally merely offer the viewer an insight into his just didn’t ‘look like a theatre intended for the performance addictions, particularly his debili- poster.’ I was fl abbergasted. of unfi nished cast-offs – has tating alcoholism, and insecurities. Quite a knock to the ego, you can now become the fl agship event In one letter entitled ‘Bollocks and imagine. “The bastards don’t for Cambridge playwrights. the same to you’, Hilton includes a get it,” I railed to all who would Such is the suspicion of devised drawing, a kind of spider diagram listen, “simply because their idea theatre that Cambridge theatri- showing the ‘House’ as the physi- of a good theatre poster involves cal companies, directors tell me, cal and metaphorical epicentre of some boring headshot of the give incredibly short shrift to his neuroses; the words ‘She’, a latest jumped-up starlet.” What applications involving unscripted reference to his wife, and ‘He’ are a diva, you’re probably thinking. work. And such is the monotonous separated by such loaded phrases as And you’d probably be right. reliance on Shakespeare that the ‘self-loathing’, and other more banal But, diva-like though my University’s main three touring references to his daily activities, reaction was, I’d also argue that companies – CAST, ETG and the such as ‘painting’. the theatre’s attitude towards PPJT – and the Marlowe Society Hilton’s wife, Rose, is a central the poster is a worrying part of – a group which nominally exists fi gure in his late oeuvre, predom- a wider homogeneity affecting to combat homogeneity in drama inant in his fi gurative sketches, Cambridge drama. It’s part of a – never look beyond him for their where the female form appears in Roger Hilton: winner of the Art Attack painting competition with this elephant. conservative myopia that says annual productions. plays in Cambridge must make Don’t get me wrong: it is an money; that they must look good honour to be surrounded by so on their directors’ resumes; many talented actors and direc- A Christmas Carol humbuggery of its protagonist. visuals work perfectly. The book is they must be from the literary tors. And we’re lucky to be at a THE VUE Is this the fi rst fi lm version of A populated with grotesques, and the canon; must be reviewed well in university which offers so many  Christmas Carol not to shy away Dickensian London Zemeckis has Varsity; must make their actors opportunities to watch, and to from the denunciations of the origi- created would not look anywhere into big names. All of which perform in, drama. I just wish, nal author? near as gloomy or threatening in makes Cambridge drama totally though, that more of those actors, he last time Jim Carrey did In this way, Zemeckis’ interpre- live action. irrelevant. Plays here rarely say and more of these dramatic a Christmas fi lm we got tation is more satisfying than the When it comes to acting, there anything politically pertinent to opportunities, were concerned TThe Grinch. This is better. versions that have preceded it. But are good turns from Gary Oldman our times, and theatrically seldom with saying something new and Indeed, it is slightly better than it doesn’t make a very jolly fi lm. and Colin Firth among others. do anything particularly original. relevant, either politically or better. Director and screenwriter This is a A Christmas Carol for However, it is the performance Good drama either scrutinises theatrically. At its best, theatre Robert Zemeckis has given us a adults. While the fi rst half-hour is of Jim Carrey that looms large. the contemporary or, if it must either explores fresh theatrical remarkably faithful retelling of the a slow and ponderous affair, overall Playing both Scrooge and each involve canonical texts, at least ideas or provides relevant analy- Charles Dickens classic. Zemeckis this is a stunning piece visually. ghost, he occasionally misses the tries to radically reinvent them sis of modern society. Too often even keeps aspects of Dickens’ Performance-capture animation spot, particularly as the Ghost of with revolutionary stagecraft. at Cambridge, however, it is just social commentary, represent- and 3D may not be the future of Christmas Past. Cast as Scrooge Cambridge drama, however, seen as a shortcut to celebrity, or ing the callousness of Victorian cinema, but Zemeckis is a savant though, he curls his vowels with does little of this. Politically, it’s a quick way of making money. Or London as well as the famous of the genre. More importantly, the malicious delight. Ultimately, fl accid; there’s little new writing a fast-track to having your face however, one does question the – and practically none from on a poster. wisdom of using such an expressive actor like Jim Carrey in perfor- mance-capture. If nothing else, it’s a waste. OK, this fi lm is classic Hollywood: utterly commercial, cashing in on the Christmas pound complete with tedious tomfoolery, only present to keep the kids entertained. But Zemeckis has still managed to give us a fi lm that’s well-crafted and detailed. More amazingly, however, it doesn’t have a saccharine Christ- mas spirit. It refuses to uplift the audience in the way that a festive fi lm should. It’s too joyless, but maybe that’s the point. JAMES SHARPE

Nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like another Jim Carrey fi lm. ‘Film Night’ one of the few devised plays in Cambridge this year 26 Friday November 27th 2009 Theatre Editor: Lauren Cooney Theatre www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

View from the TheaTre Groundlings ali Baba and the more cross-dressing, knob gags room with seasoned aplomb. Poised resounding number). I liked every- and camels. Oh no it didn’t? Oh and extremely funny, he was great, one in it and I liked practically Forty Thieves yes it flipping did. OK, it’s not actually, along with every member everything about it. The “humble adc mainshow perfect, but that doesn’t really of a consistently strong supporting director” (his words, not mine)  matter. The revolving set is just cast. and everyone involved should be OUTSTANDING, despite the fact It would take a stony-hearted very, very happy. Seven months ust what is the point of review- that it stopped revolving once or bastard of Alan Sugar-esque well spent. If you have a ticket - ing the Footlights’ Panto? I twice. Oh, and the singing was lost proportions not to come out of this well, congratulations. If not, mug Jmean, really; I could fling a in the mix a bit too regularly to go filled with the joys of Christmas someone that does. It is Christmas, whole bucket of dog shit over the unnoticed. But who cares? They’ll (whatever they may be – a point after all. nathan brooker and george bloody thing and it wouldn’t matter fix it. The jokes, most importantly, deliberated upon in the show’s final reynolds one jot. This is because, as always, were genuinely excellent, and every single ticket for this year’s delivered with gusto by a range of show got snapped up within the satisfyingly vivid characters. Cambridge Theatre first ten seconds of them going on Ali is played to gender-confused sale. Very few people are going perfection by Mel Heslop; his/her to burn their tickets just because love interest Morgiana is played he time is nigh, the some jumped-up little windbag by the particularly fine-voiced day has dawned, the wrote that it’s no good. But for Ellie Ross; their mate Cassim is Tsun has set on our time what it’s worth – if you’re sitting the hilarious – though perhaps not together. Don’t shed a tear, I’ll there, lighter in one hand, ticket in so vocally gifted – Keith Akushie. think on ye, and on the time the other, just WAITING for the Man that guy’s funny though; just we spent forever. You never verdict – well. Well indeed. This thinking about him makes me smile read the News, you skipped jumped-up little windbag thought it a little bit. fashion in your Jimmy Choos, was good; bloody brilliant, in fact. Anyway, red-handed show didn’t care for the clues in the Despite plenty of pressure stealers came in the shape of Ben Cambridge spies – it made you from an unscrupulous and quite Kavanagh and James Walker, who snooze. Instead, you flicked to frankly unprofessional editor, We played the aptly-named Jeanie the theatre spread. Congrats, were never going to give this one and the evil Nalu respectively. your life has been enriched, so star. Anything that (according to Kavanagh’s Jean-genie was a much you think you’re going to director Matt Bulmer’s cheerfully draggy triumph. I’d previously switch, to do an MA, in Theat- rambling programme notes) has seen him in Waiting for Godot; rical Criticism, when you leave been SEVEN MONTHS in the the programme says he’s directed here some day. making deserves respect. Anything Sarah Kane. Thankfully there was But don’t fret-well, at least that covers both the inadequacy of precious little Beckett (though not yet. Though I’ll be gone, the Topic bar within a Celebrations maybe a tiny bit of suicidal and you’ll be re-reading old box and the Copenhagen interpre- madwoman) in his performance, issues to prolong, the devas- tation of quantum mechanics will which channeled some of the tating realisation that this is almost certainly have earned it. all-time classic drag acts but didn’t my swan-song – Cambridge Ali Baba’s story doesn’t spring feel the need to shrilly shriek the drama won’t let you down: so to mind as traditional panto-fodder, audience into compliance. Crack- you turn that frown, upside but it had all the elements one ing pins, too. James Walker’s Nalu down. So that it makes a would expect: cross-dressing, (Boo! Booooohisss!) looked just like Smile. There is still Plenty sweets, audience participation, Jafar from Aladdin and worked the james graveston more Panto to stuff down your gullet: you could just buy a return, and go and queue (at Young recurred throughout, his This contrasted nicely with least one person a night will be Smoker best offering coming as a hapless rosencrantz and the more nuanced and crafted sick with Swine Flu). adc theatre Egyptian-cum-Justin Lee Collins. Guildenstern are performances from the protago- If you email thehostiswait-  Oh, and he must be commended for nists, although Peter Skidmore as [email protected] you can book a the ability to keep a straight face Dead Rosencrantz sometimes seemed place in an immersive space to old back the tears: today when informed that George Lazenby pembroke new cellars like he was according to the title see Tripped. But like good old the last issue of term falls was ‘the Iain Duncan Smith of  description a little too much ... Harry Panto, it’s a return only fare. Hcrisply off the presses, Bonds’. But at times, the needless Baker’s Guildenstern was better at So you might as well seem rendering anything in week eight desire for him to carry the show felt hows should get brownie conveying the ennui of living without indigent and say you don’t borderline obsolete. In much the unnecessary. Compared with the points for performing in the engendering the same emotion in the care. same way, sketches from this freshness of Tamara Astor’s bizarre SPembroke Cellars. It is as audience. While some of the bouts One night of love, nothing week’s Smoker will echo around and original ‘sit down’ comedy, atmospheric as a multi-storey car of word sparring got a little flat, more nothing less – the 24hr the ADC, before crumbling into Young at times looked a little park, and every production seems the actors coped brilliantly with the plays will sure be a mess. the dust, never to be seen again. laboured. more adept at lighting the audience change of mood at the end. I won’t They done it at The Old Vic, So the question is, why are you The same cannot be said for than the stage. Focussing on the spoil the final surprise (clue: it’s in now it’s happening here. even bothering to read this, when Dannish Babar, arguably one minor characters from Hamlet as the title), but it was surprisingly This is the premise (in case you could flick over to Cambridge of Cambridge’s most promising they realise their own insignifi- affecting, and cleverly drawn. it’s not clear): ‘24 hours to Spies and learn about the Wyverns’ comedians. After combining with cance, staging the play is a tough The production team are to be write (worst all-nighter ever), sexual deviancies? Wang in a series of fragmented call, with most of the entertain- commended for their ambitious workshop (cue mahooosive The answer, in the very wise sketches (‘Dan’s stopped referring ment coming from riffs around attempts to level this (potentially arguments!), rehearse, perfect words of Michael Jackson, is that it’s to himself in the third person’), syllogisms and plays on idiom. A tedious) play in that shady, stuffy and put on a play’– that’s what all about the kids. Whilst the ever- his anecdote about “masturbating little bit dreary, the script feels basement. It might have some visible organizer Tadhgh Barwell dependable Keith Akushie featured so furiously that an independent like it would be better off read than fault lines, and have one of the most O’Connor has to say. The as a hapless UN translator (‘c’est observer could only conclude performed. Someone had obviously bizarrely understated sets, but the audience votes, as they bloody entrepreneur’), it was the stoically that you were interrogating your misunderstood the idea of ‘quick show hints towards what is best well should, on the plays they deadpan second-year Phil Wang, an genitals” was a perfectly crude wit’. about fringe theatre. Outside of the think are really good. Monday engineer ‘by default’, who opened conclusion to the evening. The pick Lawrence Dunn’ s magnifi- bright lights and stage paint of the at the ABCD theatre, the show with his pathological – and of what was always going to be a cent rendering of the Player was ADC, this is a show which relies on The lateshow is looking hilarious – hatred of James Cordon. mixed night however, was a mincing, beautifully stylised, and foppishly the finesse of the acting, rather than pretty tonk. Or large, depend- Equally successful were one half of lisping Ian McKellen, prancing charismatic: he and his merry band masking it with elaborate designs. ing if you like the donk. the many-headed Good.Clean.Men., round the stage “luuuuuuubricating of actors carried the show along, in Energetic, challenging and habitu- Director, Patrick Garety, in a neat and subversive altercation his dick-tion”, and complete with a rare example of great ensemble ally funny, there are many worse (whose name almost rhymes with a nightclub bouncer. pink thong. I think I forgot to note acting. Darragh Connell’s Hamlet ways (if not worse places – unless with ‘nudity’), says The Blue This is not to say that the old the impressionist’s name. But you was swashbuckling in his ironic corporate dungeon is your thing) to Room will “make you moist in guard were unfunny. Lucien don’t care, remember?alasdair pal self-indulgence. spend an evening. jonathan franklin your seat”, which seems to me, a good way to complete, this GUIDE TO STAR RATINGS:  Camel toe  Camel cigarettes  Even-toed ungulate (Camel) Schrodinger’s Camel rhyming-ish roundup of the  Mr Camel, the flying Camel week. lauren cooney Theatre Editor: Lauren Cooney Friday November 27th 2009 27 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Theatre

theatre Creative Writing Competition for himself, his sudden redemp- comment until the end of the scene, Going Short tion doesn’t reflect a rediscovered with a piece of cool, unruffled adc lateshow modesty in the City, just an advice: “Don’t ever insult my  unlikely turn of character. It’s all mothering skills again.” It’s meant to be catalysed by Martin, strange, then, that she too must here’s nothing cooler on an old socialist friend who rolls undergo a little Hollywood soften- screen or on stage than occasionally onto stage as third ing, juggling phones in a panic Tcold-hearted suits in the wheel to clash with Polly in Serious at the realisation that Northern midst of a crisis. They swear at Socialist Warfare. Rock’s collapse is imminent. The their laptops and each other; they Still, Deli Segal enhances the 2D Bitch is overrated, but so too is face minor moral dilemmas; they encounters, all sarcasm and dismis- the sheepish villain. slam down phones and neglect sive pleasantries. Her Polly is Jones directs with great pace, their children. Nestling nicely marvellously stoic; even Stephen really getting the sense of the City. between The Day That Lehman grows incredulous at the absence Blasts of money-themed music Died and any one of Armando of emotion: “Your poor daughters.” added spark to the scene changes, a Iannucci’s babies, it’s not difficult She ignores welcome explosion to the tension of to see why Going Short took the his plummeting shares. The claustro- Each week we set a different creative writing exercise. The people who submit the RSC/Marlowe Other Prize for new phobic emptiness of the office was running-up and winning pieces have their work printed in the next week’s Varsity, writing. Issy McCann’s script does well captured by the stage’s stark and the winner is rewarded with two free tickets to an ADC Theatre show. the topical thing with nice insight, furniture. “Do you know how dry but its office blows inspire a smile this office feels?” Stephen ponders. rather than a guffaw, and despite And we do. Week 8: some neat direction, this take on The presence of day and time the Northern Rock crisis never projected above the stage could Centos quite hits the jugular. have been a great technical touch, Polly is the ball-crushing hedge were it not done upon an OHP fund manager behind the shorting which looked like a reject of Northern Rock shares, high on from Grange Hill’s prop Winner: The Triumph of Light insider trading and the prospect department. To tackle this of a new pair of Louboutins. Her brutal business world is by Christina Woodger underling, Stephen (James Freck- to heighten expectations nall), harbours some dubious for satire and wit. This But then it was rainy weather, and I, sad. trading morals and that old corpo- might be slick, but it’s Poetry, oh my love, here I am, alone in your game, rate dream of leaving it all behind not quite special enough With silence where hope was; the silence Of things we can’t see. ‘I come, I come! Oh, where am I going?’ to stand before a to survive. abigail dean blackboard Love came and ransacked the house. I fell back from there. and wipe children’s Now only the maiden is sorrowing. noses. The Blind voice, an ethereal adolescent form, moon-faced beloved, Bank’s You, who grope in the darkness of memory – collapse and ‘Who will kiss my cold and wrinkled lips and set my dreaming spirit consequent free?’ nationalisation is the challenge to ‘Mad heart!’ The nightingale calls to me, their platonic profes- The ice-feathered sea-eagle beats me with his wings of watered silk, sional love story, despite the Admit your beauty, angel of white lead! holes in Stephen’s disapproval. These fall, the hearts – oh, our arrows, Suspected of fraud and fond of These fall, the hearts – oh our arrows. pocketing a little company profit Here is separation and there is connection. Maggie brown

full intensity of the emotion that is used skilfully, with characters Valued Friends she needs to convey. Whilst her blurring the boundary between corpus playroom costume makes her look more like onstage and offstage space as they Runner Up: A Vision of the Titans, Keats Cento  a modern indie eco-terrorist than wrestle with Christmas trees and a 1980s wastrel, it is nevertheless bins of rubble. A weaker show by Kieran Corcoran alued Friends, by Stephen a testament to the flair and atten- might have been overwhelmed by Jeffreys, is a play set in the tion to detail which characterises the 80s pop music between scenes, V1980s property boom. It costume in this production as a but this serves to finesse an already Surely I dreamt to-day, or did I see, satirizes the idea that the boom whole: Talissa Dewhurst should be lively production. Olivia Crellin In the retired quiet of the night, can last for ever. We are currently applauded. The same is true of the directs a fluid, even fluent render- Many a fallen old Divinity? coming through an economic reces- set. ing of Jeffreys’ play. chris kerr Flush’d were their cheeks, and bright eyes double bright, sion. It’s relevant! Thank God. Now Oliver Marsh is believ- Tasting of Flora and the country green, we can move on. able as Paul, responding For Summer has o’er-brimmed their clammy cells These ‘valued friends’, strug- acutely to the actors Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene. gling to hold their friendships around him, though That is the top of sovereignty. Mark well and dreams together, are Leftist his delivery is unduly That first in beauty should be first in might. academic Howard, music journalist domineering at times. So let me be thy choir and make a moan, Paul and his girlfriend Marion, and Victoria Ball portrays the Ay, in the very temple of Delight, down and out aspiring comedienne glamorous Marion with In solemn tenor and deep organ tone named Sherry. confidence, and her charac- To unperplex bliss from its neighbour pain, The play avoids many of the ter is perhaps the most And bid old Saturn take his throne again. pitfalls of political writing: its roundly realised of all. characters have real interest. Matt Her accent is well judged, Kilroy’s Howard is touching, and his but Ball seems uncertain understated delivery leaves room in moments that demand for the bursts of emotion that seem emotional poignancy. When to take the character by surprise, she crumples a receipt in especially when he is embraced by her hand at the very end Sherry. Giulia Galastro’s Sherry is of the play, she does so in eccentric and permanently wired, a a huff which is hardly an changeling exuding manic energy. expression of despair or Galastro seems to have been made desperation. for the part, though the quiet The space available delivery doesn’t always carry the in the Corpus Playroom patrick garety

ROOM TO LET Cambridge Heart of City. Pleasant room in period Wine merC hants house facing landscaped park (Christ’s Pieces). formal hall sPeCial Sharing with Professional & Researcher. QUintUPle-or-QUits YoUr £385 PCM inc. Council Tax & Water Rates. stUdent disCoUnt With a Please Ring John, triVial PUrsUit QUestion. 01223 358191 Up to 25% off selceted products! Smart services ltd Smart Barbershop & between 5.15pm (when King’s ring Internet cafe Students 10% discount on all the evensong bells) to 7.30pm our services (when you should be in hall). Usual rules apply: must be a student and pay cash, no conferring or twenty4-7 bickering, you choose the category, fail the question - no discount. this offer is for a limited period. Airport Transfer Specialist Cambridge branches: King’s Parade - near the mental Clock Stansted from £45.00 Smart Men Haircuts from £8.50 bridge street - by magdalene bridge Laptops & PC Repairs Luton from £45.00 mill road - corner of Covent garden Phone Unlocking Accessories Heathrow from £79.00 Instant Passport/ID Photos Gatwick from £99.00 Address/contact Want to advertise your event here? 79 Regent Street [email protected] Cambridge City Centre Call 07514141338 01223 337575 CB2 1AW Or visit Tel: 01223 324460 www.twenty4-7.co.uk Website: www.smartservicesltd.co.uk Games & puzzles Varsity Crossword no. 516 Sudoku Kakuro

1 2 3 4 5 6 restraint (8) The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never 25 Infectious alcohol put in, pure (8) digits 1 through 9 exactly once. use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur 7 8 26 Rough, like 13 and 31 perhaps? (6) in the same row in a separate run). 27 Poaching nice moose to save money (9) 9 4 2 28 One falling in love shortly turned 14 21 14 14 back: a big fiddle (5) 10 11 5 11 17

Down 2 6 7 3 4 8 9 7 8 1 Quiet: drunken seducers made a 3 9 7 6 19 12 13 noise (9) 15 2 Immoral and irrational number 2 7 6 8 9 3 5 24 14 involved in canonising (8) 6 1 8 2 18 3 Very lightweight accomplishment 12 16 15 16 17 18 by his sister? (7) 5 3 8 4 2 1 7 16 17 4 Rapped, or the settlement might 1 19 be balls (8) 13 12 5 German transport with no right to

8 5 www.puzzlemix.com GArETh / MADE BY MoorE www.puzzlemix.com GArETh / MADE BY MoorE 20 21 22 23 reserve (6) 6 Thin glass made by loud, antiquat- 24 ed instrument (5) 9 Thought I would hear only its fill- The Varsity Scribblepad Hitori 25 26 ing (4) 14 Bank invested in crooked supply (9) Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more than once per row or column. Shaded squares may not be 16 Those which mean the same as the horizontally or vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 27 28 great and the good can be exam- ples (8) 18 Moving 14, mention getting up after dance (8) 7 5 2 6 2 1 2 19 Balls, having been aimed, might be rambling? (7) 7 2 3 5 1 6 4 grounds (8) Across 21 Arson disaster inhaled gas parts 13 Point no-one returned: they carry 7 Implore alien to procreate (5) (6) a charge (4) 7 6 3 4 2 3 1 8 Apparently, this can be truly deep 23 Vat murderer hauled up halfway? 15 Purcell is told to expel a player (7) (9) (4) 17 Images made by instrumental 5 7 1 3 4 3 6 10 Agree with current line (6) Slag of... company at party (5) Last issue’s solutions noise? (7) 24 11 Coming back, yet taking a part in 1 3 6 5 6 7 1 9 1 8 5 7 3 6 4 2 20 Ancient drinking vessel might be 11 22 6 7 5 2 6 4 4 social event (3,5) 8 2 6 3 8 9 4 7 1 5 3 5 6 12 5 6 2 3 2 4 1 French (4) 17 8 7 4 5 2 1 6 8 9 3 12 Guess I’m escorted into the 8 9 21 5 3 7 3 3 4 5 4 6 1 5 2 9 8 7 4 3 6 19 5 7 1 4 6 4 5 2 6 8 3 9 2 2 7 3 22 Lazy, fashionable party at time of Set by Hisashi 16 11 2 7 1 9 4 2 7 6 7 1 5 28 4 7 6 3 2 1 9 5 8 9 5 6 8 14 6 4 1 2 4 2 3 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 515) 13 12 3 9 1 7 6 8 5 2 4 Across: 8 Smooth, 9 Ado, 10 Real, 11 Invincible, 12 Wall, 13 Efface, 15 Criminal, 16 History, 18 Boogie, 22 Thriller, 25 Moscow, 27 Ammo, 28 Billie Jean, 31 Mere, 32 A B C, 33 Athena. Down: 1 G-man, 2 7 6 4 8 3 1 3 4 3 6 5 5 8 7 4 3 2 1 6 9 8

Godiva, 3 Thick ear, 4 Iambics, 5 Do-re-mi, 6 Browning, 7 Paella, 14 F B I, 17 Tailored, 19 Ohm, 20 Ego, 21 Armlock, 23 Hamlet, 24 Labial, 26 St John, 29 Imam, 30 Acne. 2 6 1 4 6 2 1 5 7 6 2 4 1 5 9 3 8 7 6 1 6 2 6 5 5 www.puzzlemix.com GArETh / MADE BY MoorE Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Friday November 27th 2009 29 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sport Blues girls edged out of league cup Sport in Brief Men’s Football » Tenacious rivals come back in 2nd half to knock Cambridge out of regional cup The Blues drew 0-0 against title rivals Bedford (Bedford) fi rst Mandy Wainwright and then suddenly came alive inside the right was disappointed that they had on Wednesday in the toughest CAMBRIDGE 2 Helen Bellfi eld whose half-volley slid edge of the penalty area to chip thrown away a 2-0 lead but attributed league fi xture they will have agonisingly wide. Cambridge’s lead inside the near post. Cambridge the Cambridge defeat to the visitors’ this season. Not used to the was fi nally doubled on the half-hour surged forward towards the end of speedy attack in the second half. boggy pitch, windy conditions, HARINGEY mark, Victoria Clarkson lifting the the match and made some attacking Cambridge paid dearly for failing to or the opposition’s 4-2-4 forma- 3 ball over a defender and fi nishing in substitutions, but could not create take a bigger lead in the fi rst half, and tion, the Blues struggled in the the bottom left corner. Cambridge any real chances and were forced to missed their sidelined key players, fi rst half against Bedford’s very were good value for their 2-0 lead, take a chance on shots from the edge particularly in central defence. Their direct football. In the second Tom Woolford and deserved to go in to the break of the area, their tired strikers and return looks essential for the success half, Cambridge got closer and Sports Reporter with it intact, but Haringey fl uked midfi eld ultimately failing to produce of the rest of the season. tighter all over the pitch and a goal when an attempted clearance the fi nish that was the defensive line was pushed Last year’s beaten fi nalists squan- out of the Cambridge box ricocheted required. higher as the Blues came into dered a two goal lead to crash out off a Haringey forward and bobbled The Blues’ the game more. Yet there was of the league cup to Haringey in the into the Cambridge goal. coach Lee a lack of a penetration and both last sixteen. As the second half got underway, McGill sides had to settle for a draw It was the depleted Cambridge Haringey’s striker Mary Anne which satisfi ed captain Michael side, lacking four fi rst-team starters, Sheena made her dribbling skills Johnson. that dominated the first half as count, taking the ball past several defensive pressure and a densely- defenders and slotting home from a Men’s Hockey populated midfi eld prevented any tight angle. Cambridge seemed to real threats from either side. Then, have lost their foothold, but a shot In the fi rst of the weekend’s two 25 minutes in, a ball from Leesa from range almost beat the Haringey matches, a pair of penalty corner Haydock found Kate Robinson, who keeper , with Cambridge just failing strikes from fl icker Dave Madden rounded the Haringey keeper and to net the rebound. The Blues were bagged the Blues a narrow 2-1 calmly slotted the ball in to open losing some of their pace: Robinson win away against bitter rivals the scoring. Cambridge’s pace up and Bellfi eld were kept quiet and the Havering. On Sunday, however, front now caused Haringey all sorts attack was carried instead by the National League outfi t Seveno- of problems. Robinson was clean strong and energetic Wainwright. aks proved slightly too strong through on goal but was fl agged for A pair of excellent saves from Sara for the Blues as they slipped to a dubious offside. Another ball over Heinzi kept Cambridge in the game, a 3-1 defeat in the cup despite TIM JOHNS the top of the visitors’ back line saw but Haringey took the lead after a credible performance. Cam- her round the defence and set up seventy minutes when Aishia Dalaji bridge’s next challenge will be against Ipswich on Saturday.

Absolutely nothing to Tennis Grasshoppers take on Oxford do with Cambridge » Fiery encounter ends in a draw leaving league victory undecided In the all important penultimate group game of the Intramural and Michele Gavin-Rizzuto) were often having to employ all the tac- 6-0 victory with some very powerful Football League of the Uni- CAMBRIDGE 5 recruited in an effort to help stamp tics at their disposal to twice come groundstrokes eventually proving versity of Leicester, the GMS some Tab authority over the other from a break down, along with some too strong for Oxford. Alex Moyni- Panthers crushed The Loaded place, and the start was certainly a gritty passing shots from Moynihan han, playing at the 4th singles spot, Cog 6-2 in a result which shook OXFORD positive one. and solid serving from both. At 1-1, it lost a very tight 3-set match on prob- the city to the core. The Pan- 5 Playing in disgraceful conditions was on to the singles: Legg, playing ably the worst court out of the four thers are unbeaten all season – a at Oxford’s Iffley Road ground, at number 1, played some scintillat- available, the harshness of the con- remarkable position for a team on gravel-strewn hard courts and ing tennis in terrible conditions to ditions leading Captain Moynihan whose year was disrupted as a Varsity Sport driving wind and rain, the dou- out-think and out-hit his Blues oppo- to comment that “in every match, full-scale riot broke out at their bles matches were split. Legg and nent, crushing him 6-3, 6-1. I seem to hit at least 5 shots that match with the Greek-Cypriot With spirits running high after Gavin-Rizzuto fought bravely, and At number 2, Caterer’s wrist Federer would be proud of – and at Society. a down-to-the-wire victory over with exhibitions of blinding fl air fre- injury started to take its toll as he least 10 that a 5-year-old would be Since narrowly beating Oxford Brookes 1st IV last week, quently coming off Legg’s racket at tamely succumbed to an opponent disappointed with”. Modern Language 17-1 early the Cambridge 2nd team, the Grass- the most key moments of the match. against whom, at full fi tness, the The Cambridge team returned in the season, the Panthers hoppers, arrived in Oxford for a However, they eventually went match would probably have proved a satisfied but not elated, with a have been on an upward turn clash which would all but decide the down 8-6 to a very talented Oxford very different story. Gavin-Rizzuto, decent 5-5 draw. This means that and now find themselves on BUCS league champions, with a spot 1st pair, containing an established playing at 3, ground out a gruel- the league victory will now be the verge of qualifying for the in division Conference 1a at stake. Oxford Blue. On the next court, ling 3-set win against an opponent decided on respective scores in the quarter-fi nals. Three members of the 1sts Caterer and Captain Alex Moynihan who seemed mentally unbreakable, remaining matches played by both Much of their success has squad (Rob Legg, Greg Caterer managed to grind out a 9-7 victory, eventually storming to a 6-2, 3-6, Cambridge and Oxford. been put down to manger Mike Bevan, who at 19 is one of the youngest in the top-flight. The Anorak “Managing the Panthers is a bit like organising a gay pride Men’s Hockey Ladies’ Hockey Football Rugby Union march - a lot of pink and no sup- Division 1: Division 1: League Division 1: Division 1: port from the right wing”, he Robinson 9-0 Old Leysians St Catharine’s 0-6 Pembroke Downing 2-1 Girton Jesus 46-0 St Catharine’s remarked making reference to Emmanuel 3-3 Jesus Downing 0-2 Murray Edwards St John’s 6-2 Pembroke Trinity 7-17 Downing the feminised strip his troops Downing 5-1 Churchill St John’s 4-0 Fitzwilliam Emmanuel 3-1 Fitzwilliam Girton P-P St John’s Trinity 2-0 St Catharine’s sport. P W D L GF GA GD Pts P W D L GF GA GD Pts Real Santander manager ROBINSON 4 3 1 0 24 7 17 10 ST CATHARINE’S 4 3 0 1 13 8 5 9 DOWNING 5 3 1 1 15 15 0 10 ST JOHN’S 4 2 2 0 8 2 6 8 Johan Meza made the trip OLD LEYSIANS 4 3 0 1 25 11 14 9 MURRAY EDWARDS 3 2 0 1 7 3 4 6 P W D L GF GA GD Pts P W D L F A D Pts from Colombia to the hallowed EMMANUEL 3 1 1 1 7 7 0 4 PEMBROKE 2 1 1 0 7 1 6 4 DOWNING 5 5 0 0 12 5 7 15 ST JOHN’S 6 6 0 0 270 18 252 24 Stoughton Road after reports ST JOHN’S 4 1 1 2 7 10 -3 4 DOWNING 4 1 1 2 1 3 -2 4 TRINITY 5 4 0 1 12 5 7 12 DOWNING 6 4 0 2 100 63 37 18 leaked across the pond of cen- GIRTON 4 3 0 1 8 6 2 9 JESUS 5 4 0 1 193 60 133 17 JESUS 3 0 1 2 6 12 -6 1 JESUS 3 1 1 1 1 7 -6 4 tre-half cum centre-forward CHURCHILL 5 0 1 4 4 26 -22 1 EMMANUEL 3 0 1 2 1 3 0 1 JESUS 3 2 0 1 9 4 5 6 TRINITY 6 3 0 3 109100 9 15 CHURCHILL 1 0 0 1 1 4 -3 0 FITZWILLIAM 4 2 0 2 9 6 3 6 GIRTON 6 1 0 5 92 181 -89 9 Will Metcalfe, who has 11 goals EMMA 5 2 0 3 10 11 -1 6 ST CATHARINE’S 7 0 0 7 22 318 -296 6 Cuppers catch-up (round 1): FITZWILLIAM 2 0 0 2 0 8 -8 0 in 5 games. Defender Andy CHRIST’S 3 1 0 2 6 7 -1 3 Pierino Occidentale impressed Clare 0-15 St Catharine’s Cuppers catch-up (round 1): ST JOHN’S 4 1 0 3 10 14 -4 3 Girton 4-0 Homerton Jesus 0-1 Emmanuel PEMBROKE 5 1 0 4 9 14 -5 3 him most, but no contract Fitzwilliam 5-2 Churchill Trinity 5-0 St Catharine’s II ST CATHARINE’S 4 0 0 4 6 19 -13 0 was offered due to growing Emmanuel 4-3 Corpus Christi Robinson 3-5 Selwyn (literally) concerns over the Sidney Sussex 0-13 Downing Fitzwilliam 0-7 Murray Edwards Anglo-Italian’s beer belly. Queens’ 13-2 Pembroke Trinity Hall 5-3 Queens’ Your weekly guide to College sport

League Division 2: Homerton 1-3 Gonville & Caius Darwin 2-4 Churchill Long Road 2-1 Queens’ King’s 1-4 Selwyn Clare 2-5 Trinity Hall 30 Friday November 27th 2009 Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Sport www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] A tale of two cities An analysis of this year’s encounter All eyes are turned to Twickenham this season and will need to have a big game. On Thursday 10th December, the capital will be hit by hordes of fans from Cambridge and that other place known Varsity Sport He leaves space in the back-row where Joe as Oxford.Varsity introduces the University’s potential heroes with a possible starting XV. Wheeler and undergraduate Ed White are vying to fill the gaps. n the CURUFC clubhouse they have Yet the onus is heavily on Vickerman. It been counting down the days for nearly cannot be overstated how much Cambridge’s 7. Itwelve months and now the anticipation chances will depend on him. As captain and tal- is building all over the University. Captain isman, he will provide stability at the set-piece, Dan Vickerman traveled to Oxford last week something noticeably lacked when he is absent. to officially challenge his dark blue opposite He calls the shots in the Light Blue camp, the number Dan Rosen. The 128th Nomura team look to him for inspiration, and he will Varsity match is under two weeks away; have to bring the rest up to his level. Thursday December 10th is the day when the Traditionally Oxford are stronger in the success or failure of the entire Blues season backs than the pack, as seen last year, despite will be decided in just eighty minutes of play. their physical inferiority. It looks the same 4. 5. Last year Oxford won 33-29 in a nail-biting again this time round, with lots of attacking encounter which issued an impressive reply options for the Dark Blues. Tim Catling, on to critics of the fixture and marked the high- a high having been recently named Oxford est scoring Varsity match in history. It has University Sportsman of the Year, will be been a season of change for the Light Blues dangerous having scored a hat trick last year as less than half of 2008’s team remains. A and run rings around James Greenwood on combination of last year’s defeat and this sea- the wing. Greenwood will feel this pressure, son’s difficulties will most likely leave them as but could also be the match-winner; if he rises second favourites with the bookies. to the occasion he is Cambridge’s most potent Yet some things never change and the Var- attacking threat. sity match is notoriously difficult to call. By the Elsewhere in the backs, a lot will depend time the teams step out at Twickenham every on Ross Broadfoot and Sandy Reid. Stand- ounce of their collective strength will be aimed off Broadfoot returns having missed last 8. 9. at the opposition with nothing held back to year’s game with injury, and both players will remember what the betting shops were saying. be required to do a lot of kicking as well as It is thought only a few of the starting XV providing the link to the speedsters outside is nailed on. As injuries and inconsistency them. The centre pairing has been juggled have hampered preparations, the Cambridge throughout the season, and Reid has missed a coaches and captain are giving nothing away. chunk of the preparations due to a foot injury. With only three of last year’s starting for- If he recovers well enough, he and his partner, wards available eyes will be on the forwards possibly Freddie Shepherd, will need to hit the 3. to prove themselves against an Oxford pack ground running or they could be torn apart by 1. 6. shorn of New Zealand hooker Anton Oliver. the dangerous Oxford centres. Among the changes Will Jones, who has Let battle commence. 2. moved into the second row, has come of age by FRanKIE b RO PROFIlES by 1. Prop: Niall Conlon 5. Lock: Will Jones

View from Oxford Age: 26 Height: 6’1” Weight: 17st 9lbs Age: 23 Height: 6’4” Weight: 16st 7lbs The low-down from The Other Place St Edmund’s, Land Economy St Edmund’s, Land Economy

Despite being plagued by injury this year, Ever-present in the team this season, his wn xford’s story this term reads similarly Catling scored three tries in last year’s Var- a key figure. His scrummaging and ball tackling and ball-carrying have been a to that of Cambridge. After some sity match, Will Brown has notched up twelve carrying will be crucial. vital part of the side. Oimpressive wins over Premiership A in nine games this term, and Sean Morris sides, the Dark Blues were well beaten by is also on top form. That said, the impor- Northampton before losing in the last minute tance of the pack cannot be underestimated, to Saracens. Last week they registered a con- says Steve Hill, Oxford’s director of rugby: 2. Hooker: Pat Crossley 6. Flanker: Ed White vincing win against Major Stanley’s, Oxford’s “Unless we secure good first phase ball we answer to Steele-Bodgers’ invitational side. won’t get these wingers into the game. The Age: 23 Height: 5’11” Weight: 16st 3lbs Age: 22 Height: 6’2” Weight: 15st 10lbs Echoes of the Varsity back page? forward battle will be key in deciding who Homerton, Religous Administration Jesus, Management Comparisons don’t stop there. Oxford too wins”. are in possession of a talismanic captain: Dan Cambridge captain Dan Vickerman is Accurate in the line-out and good in the Has stepped up well after playing with Rosen may not be an Australian ex-interna- not the only international player to sport loose, he will need to provide Cambridge the u21s last season. Mobile in attack and tional, but he has been involved in a blue shirt this year: within the scrum he with a steady base at the set-piece. strong in defence. Oxford rugby for eight years, and will encounter Stan McKeen, this is his fifth Blues campaign. Oxford’s openside flanker, With more undergrads in the who has won several caps squad than ever before, his representing his Canadian 3. Prop: Andy Daniel 7. Flanker: Joey Wheeler experience will be invaluable homeland. Together with at Twickenham. hooker and captain Dan Age: 23 Height: 6’1” Weight: 17st 13lbs Age: 24 Height: 5’11” Weight: 14st 13lbs The Oxford back line also Rosen, he will be leading the St edmunds, Land economy St Edmund’s, Arch and Anth boasts some impressive fight for posession against the figures. With three top Cambridge pack. Andy’s aggression in the contact area Another who is key in the line-out, his class wingers battling With such well matched makes him crucial in defence. Strong in work at the breakdown will be vital in it out to make the squads, it is difficult the scrum. slowing down the ball. final XV, the Dark to predict the out- Blues are spoilt come of this year’s for choice when encounter. “I’ve it comes to been involved when 4. Lock: Dan Vickerman Number 8: Ben Maidment pace: the score has been 9-6 Tim and when it has been 29-3,” says Age: 30 Height: 6’8” Weight: 18st 13lbs Age: 21 Height: 6’4” Weight: 18st 6lbs Hill. “In the last 10 minutes, Hughes Hall, Land economy St Edmund’s, Land Economy the score will be close; it’s a question of which side has the An inspirational figure as captain, Vicker- Strong and versatile, Ben has made a SOPHIE PICKFORD stamina to take it home.” WiLL man will need to lead from the front and big impact on the side whenever he has CAigER-SMitH dominate the line-out. played. Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Friday November 27th 2009 31 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sport

The Sporting All eyes are turned to Twickenham World On Thursday 10th December, the capital will be hit by hordes of fans from Cambridge and that other place known Week 8: France as Oxford.Varsity introduces the University’s potential heroes with a possible starting XV. t’s very tempting to walk through

PHOTOS BY TIM JOHNS, DRAWN BY JIM BAXTER IN 1950 Paris wearing imaginary glasses I(Chanel) that fi lter out anything that From the Archives doesn’t fi t in with a preconceived image of the city. I stalk people who I feel are ‘Light Blues Rugger Side Are Ready To likely to make a charming comment about Do Battle’, Varsity 2 December 1950 how great strikes are, or lunch, or black lace. “Ha!” I cry to myself, committing the he rugger team selected to play Bastille-worthy sin of smiling in the public against Oxford next Tuesday repre- space, “I can tell mum about that on Skype Tsents the climax of a term of intense tonight!” (Perhaps I’m not making the anxiety for Glyn Davies. The extraordi- most of my year abroad…) nary misfortunes that have dogged the The main problem with this strategy 14. University in the form of injuries may be is that one becomes some sort of ambulant 15. emphasised by the fact that the team, as it fascist censor. One of the fi gures that I stands, has never played together before. always censor from my mental photograph This fact, together with the much pub- is the Parisian jogger. Reputed abroad licised, star-studded, composition of the to be a rare breed, within the city he is Oxford side, has served to label the “Dark often believed to be the American-in-Paris Blues” as fi rm favourites. jogger who, misleadingly, treads the same However, pessimists and so-called “real- turf as the Parisian jogger and is only ists” have tended to voice their opinions distinguishable by his immense height and without due consideration of the assets superior quality of running shoes. the Cambridge side undoubtedly possess. It turns out, however, that most of Man for man and as a whole the Cambridge the joggers in Paris are actually French. pack have shown extraordinary stamina. I know this because I have stopped them In the inter-Varsity match such a quality and asked them, and they were very rude 10. is of paramount importance, since the last to me, so they must have been French. twenty minutes are often the most vital to (This isn’t actually true, but as a Year the result. Such weakness as the forwards Abroad student I feel a sort of responsibil- may have lies in their covering both in ity to perpetuate clichés.) defence and attack. This is easily rem- Confronting the Parisians with the 12. edied, and probably has been, in training. ‘widely-held Anglo-Saxon belief’ that Our back division is potentially as strong the French don’t do any sport at all, are 13. as that of Oxford as an attacking combi- naturally slim just by walking in high heels 11. nation. Their defence, however has not and making love vigorously (femmes) or proved to be by any means adequate in the skinny and weedy and too petulant for past. team sports (hommes), I was frequently crushed. “There is a great sporting culture in France”, said Laurent, a 27-year-old Form Guide fi reman. “Lots of Parisians jog, but they 9. Scrum half: Jamie Hood 13. Centre: Freddie Shepherd get up very early so you don’t see them”. Cambridge I leapt on this, remembering an acquain- tance of mine who takes the metro to a Age: 23 Height: 5’9” Weight: 13st 5lbs Age: 23 Height: 6’3” Weight: 16st 7lbs 26/9 vs Old Boys XV 33-19 Hughes Hall, PGCE St Edmund’s, Real Estate Finance park far away from her quartier to go jog- 29/9 vs L’borough University 34-13 ging so that nobody she knows will see her. Coming back from injury, his distribution A powerful runner in attack, his strength “That’s because French social codes say it and awareness at nine will be crucial in in the contact area makes him a constant 7/10 vs Blackheath 25-12 is shameful to take exercise in public, isn’t order to unleash the backs. threat to opposition defences. 12/10 vs Northampton 14-73 it?” I said to Laurent, excitedly. “No, it is because the streets get very busy and it is 19/10 vs Saracens 24-35 less practical”. Damn. 4/11 vs Crawshays XV 19-19 Later that day I set off to the Cimetière 10. Fly half: Ross Broadfoot 14. Winger: Dave Riley du Père-Lachaise (the only green splodge 9/11 vs London Scottish 20-38 on the map I could get to and from in my lunch hour), hoping at least to see some Age: 24 Height: 6’ Weight: 14st 13lbs Age: 23 Height: 5’ 10” Weight: 13st 10/9 vs Steele-Bodgers XV 48-24 Hughes Hall, Natural Sciences Hughes Hall, Real Estate finance tourists jogging between the graves of Oxford Jim Morrison and Oscar Wilde, but was Has handled the pressure well this season. Another strong and quick runner, he will disappointed. “I have noticed”, I said to a His distribution and kicking will be vital need to offer a cutting edge on the wing to 15/9 vs Chinnor 70-0 man building a tomb, “that there is nobody to a Cambridge success. complement Greenwood on the other. 23/9 vs Gael Force 20-27 jogging today. This is surely because the French are a nation of cyclists”. “Non, 28/9 vs N’castle Falcons 15-10 mademoiselle”, he replied, “it is because in France it is forbidden to jog in places of 11. Winger: James Greenwood 15. Full back: Jimmy Richards 12/10 vs London Scottish 17-12 worship.” 19/10 vs Northampton 0-50 I persevered: “Would you say that the Age: 24 Height: 6’1” Weight: 14st 11lbs Age: 26 Height: 5’9” Weight: 12st 13lbs French are particularly fond of cycling Hughes Hall, Economics St John’s, Classics 26/10 vs Esher 30-22 because one can sit down?” I suggested wittily. “Non, I would say that it is because The most dangerous attacking threat, his His searing pace will be a valuable asset 2/11 vs Saracens 28-39 France, with its great variety of terrain, is running can tear the opposition to shreds, to the Cambridge backs. His kicking is 9/11 vs Sale Sharks 31-31 an ideal landscape for cyclists.” You can’t but will need to be strong in defence. also useful. really argue with that. I was starting to 18/11 vs Major Stanley’s 51-5 panic that I wouldn’t have anything to put 22/11 vs Trinity College, in my article, so I sold out and asked a St Germain-des-Près waiter and later a Mont- 12. Centre: Sandy Reid Waiting in the wings Dublin 40-7 martre portrait painter, who both replied that Parisians didn’t do sport because Age: 21 Height: 5’10” Weight: 14st Alex Cheetham (prop), Jamie Gilbert all they care about is “les femmes, et la St John’s, Land Economy (hooker), Ben Martin (lock), Tom Stanton bouffe!” Inverting the responses of these (fl anker), Haden Henderson (back row), Look out for the people who are paid to spout bullshit to Has moved seamlessly back to centre this Doug Rowe (scrum half), Fred Burdon match report and tourists is a sure way to fi nd out the Truth: season. A vital player in both attack and (centre), Ilia Cherezhov (wing), Will Bal- photos on the day at Parisians take exercise, just like everyone defence. four (full back), Marc Rosenberg (wing). www.varsity.co.uk else. JOANNA BEAUFOY 32 Friday November 27th 2009 Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West SportS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Varsity Match 2009. Womens’ All the analysis and Blues player profiles before squander a the most anticipated 2-0 lead in date in the sporting league cup calendar. exit Previewp30 SPORT Footballp31 Resurgent Blues show their steel » Impressive display gives good reason for optimism in the run up to the Varsity match

WILL CAIGER-SMITH Andy Daniels and then Pat Cross- CAMBRIDGE 48 ley blasted over the line to give the Blues an early fourteen point lead. Cambridge were playing well as a STEELE-BODGERS 26 team and the Bodgers, whose players have never played together before, could not organise themselves to cope with the pressure. Even with Ed Thornton Sandy Reid out due to injury the Sports Reporter backline also looked threatening every time they had possession. On Wednesday afternoon the Blues This was epitomised by the work of showed their strength in front of a the centre partnership who tore the packed Grange Road with an impor- Bodgers’ defence open when Freddie tant late season win against the Shepherd broke the line and was invitational Steele-Bodgers. With the supported by Fred Burdon to beat drinks fl owing and the brass band in the visitors’ full back in a classic two full swing hundreds of Cambridge on one. supporters were treated to not only The Steele-Bodgers looked a party atmosphere but also an frustrated after the fi rst half-hour impressive Blues performance across as their lack of unity didn’t let their the park. individual talents show. Frequent After a two week rest the Blues knock-ons and poor organisation looked both refreshed and composed in defence let them down and even and their fi rst half performance was when chances came they were squan- immaculate. The forwards performed dered. Cambridge on the other hand their job at the breakdown profi - were playing like a team possessed Scrum-half Jamie Hood feeds the ball out at Grange Road ciently; winning their own rucks and and managed to fi t in two more tries fend off three defenders and touch rest of the match the two teams were Twickenham there are still a few even snatching a few turnovers. On before half time. The fi rst of these the ball down under the posts. The very even. The two teams nabbed small things for the squad to concen- top of this they repeatedly ran crash came when fullback Jimmy Richards second showed off some of second three tries a piece and both posses- trate on. Both Vickerman and hooker balls in both the scrum half and fl y broke through at pace row Will Jones’ fl air as he dummied sion and territory were relatively Jamie Gilbert recognised that there half channels to test the Bodgers’ and offl oaded to Joe a pass to his winger but instead gave equal. Cambridge captain Dan is room for improvement on the set tackling. This test proved Wheeler who used a lovely inside pass to Richards for Vickerman shrugged off the sugges- piece, a Cambridge strong point in too much for the his strength to a stunning try. This set the score tion that this change in play showed the recent past: Gilbert noted, “We away side at 33-0 at half time with four of lack of depth in the team saying “We didn’t dominate the line or the scrum when first Cambridge’s fi ve tries converted. are a squad and I’m confi dent in today”. However, the signifi cance of The games running up to the every one of my players.” It seems Wednesday was that the Blues scored Varsity match, on December 10th, like the downturn in the second half tries and lots of them. Richards, who are the perfect place for the Blues to was merely a refl ection of how the racked up two tries, said, “It was fi ne-tune their squad and make any Bodgers started to regroup against our highest scoring match so far this last minute adjustments. Perhaps a team who had spent forty minutes season with over forty points and for this reason, and also to steer well sitting on the bench. Coach Tony that’s important.” It is the self-confi - clear of any injuries, the Blues used Rogers seemed equally calm about dence to go out, score well worked all of their substitutions throughout the situation commenting “It gets a tries and dictate a match that will be the second half and the team who bit disjointed, that’s just the way it most important come December 10th fi nished the match was very different happens sometimes.” and this week the Blues proved that to the starting line-up. This inevita- With only one match to go before they have that confi dence. bly weakened the side and for the the chosen team steps out at