Issue 850 University of Surrey Students' Union 29th June 1995 Bare Facts in Last Issue Shocker!

Spot the difference! Sorry, but we are passed caring about the editorial quality of this issue! 2 Bare Facts - Stitch Up Issue

Your new Sabbatical team: (clockwise front top left) Sharon Dorey, Andrea Roy, Alan DeWint, Steve Morley, Rob Baker 29th June 1995 3 One BF bod's year Cheesy As it is the last Bare Facts of the tenn, I thought it was time I wrote my own column. The title of this column is there as this is essentiaily what the column is and what every column I usually end up writing on Wednesday evening. Quavers However with very little to say this week, makes it hard to write anything at all. I can now appreciate the problem we have had over the past year in getting people G'day to write articles for this 'ere rag. The steady flow of articles at the start of the year has he final day! A year of now developed into a trickle, with the same old stalwarts writing their pieces and filling frustration, alcohol and books is the pages. finally over — the exams are However this year has not been too bad in terms of content. I think we have fmally got fmished, the marks are out, the Ttears have been shed, the drinks drunk. the look of Bare Facts right and hope to continue this next term, keeping the Uniform appearance. What has happened over the previous year is that every time a new Editor Nothing much left to do except either look took over the reigns, the design and layout changed. In some cases this was for the forward to a shortened holiday or better, however having looked through the archives, some of it was defmitely for the contemplate what life will be like in the worse. These are ali mistakes that we can leam from. 'real world'. Congratulations to ali the final years — especially those with firsts One of the biggest problems we have in producing Bare Facts is the time limit and the (yes, that means you Michelle!) and good students available. Many of you will have seen Student newspapers from around the luck with your MScs, PhDs or job country, many of which are full sized broadsheet papers of 20 pages plus. This is a feat huntings; we lesser mortals will be back that we are unlikely to be able to manage. Unlike other Universities we do not have in September to try and emulate you. students on English courses or Joumalism, instead you are mostly science students ^ which make producing a newspaper that much harder Having been given the chance by 'He Who Must Be Obeyed' (aka Jono) to use I know that a number of complaints have been raised at the GM's about typos, missing this opportunity for one last little rant this articles and other errors. AU I have to say to this is sorry. We do try! Unfortunately it year, I had a look at what l've been bab- is harder to assemble people to work on the paper and therefore the odd error does slip biing about for the last 29 weeks. What through our meticulous checking procedures at 8 am Thursday morning. struck me is that my one true pet hate had So what have you like and disliked about this years issues. We have tried to bring in been completely missed out. But that can a number of improvements including more photos (although this has occurred more now be rectified! this term thanks to a new printer) and more news items. I know that many think the personáis page should be extended and take up more and more space. It is obvious it For years and years and years the rights of is the first thing that many people read having seen people Walking across campus on a sileni population have been ruthlessly Friday moming. Are the personáis the only part of Bare Facts that you read? It is true trampled upon. Pacifists one and ali of that there will be sections of the paper that are not in your interest e.g. Musicmania or them, they live huddled together in Cultureshock however we hope we have catered for most tastes this term. tightly-knitted family groups, leading rather sedentary lifestyles, until they are What would you like to see in Bare Facts in the autumn? You have the chance to get violently and ruthlessly tom from their involved y ourself. If you have sat by read every issue, thought "I could write that" then homes. Such is the evil of their aggressors why don't you? We always need people to come and write articles and in particular that they are then quite often slaughtered research features, an area that has been lacking so far. It would be nice to be able to and butchered whilst stili very much do a two page spread every week on a particular feature. alive; their bodies hacked by knives, limbs pulled apart, sent screaming into the If you feel like getting involved come along in September to the editoria! board meeting showers. But their aggressors, who are and have your say. They are open meetings and ali ideas will be considered. Bare Facts known anti-veg groups, or "vegetarians", is for the students, about the students, by students and the only way we can do this is show little concern for them. with the students. I am sorry If I have harped on that particular point but it is a point worth raising. In the media their plight is played down, as well. Witness that scene in Benny and However, getting back to the point of this article, I hope you have read this years Bare Joon (1992) where Johnny Depp mashes Facts and enjoyed them. I hope they have been informative and useful to you. Next potatoes with a tennis racket. Was I the year there are bound to be some changes, essentiaily because there is a new Editor only one weeping in the theatre? But help, again. Any changes that are made will be to enhance the quality of Bare Facts via the Internet, is at hand. Düring those (something that is probably not too evident this week!). odd few hours you have spare a week, you That is enough waffle for now, so have a good summer and see you ali in September's might want to point Netscape at Bare Facts. http://www.cani.org/~acl/veg.html and discover more about the plight of our Jeff Blackham leguminous pals, including how to more effectively protest against their wholesaie slaughter. But please note, CamOrgVeg is in no way affiliated with the Vegetable Liberation Front, which advocates the use of violence.

Well, despite popular request I shall be back next year — although I may renarne Cheesy Quavers as "Tim Talks Toss" (ask Rob Wooffitt). But then again, I might not. Have a fabbo summer. Lee Hopkins 4 Bare Facts - Stitch Up Issue Bare Facts Editorial Union House nd so, the end is near, I've reached the final curtain... University of Surrey Five years seems a very long time Guildford to have been here. Having said Athat, some people have been here much Surrey longer than that... GU2 5XH My year as Communications Officer is almost at an end. Last July seems lost in Tel: (01483) 259275 the mists of time (well, not quite, but you get the idea). And boy, have things Fax: (01483) 34749 changed since then. I now know what character kerning is, the difference between spot and process colour, the ins and outs Email: [email protected] of the World Wide Web, and just how much of a pain it can be when everyone realises http://www.surrey.ac.uk/Union/bf/ that you can fix their computer for them. But hey, I volunteered for this in the first place, so what am I complaining about? The deadline for submissions So what have I done that I said I would. Well, before I answer that, I must say that I, is Noon on the Tuesday like any other Sabbatical candidate thought I could change the world overnight. In preceding publication. reality, it takes just a bit longer than that. This 'ere rag has changed in many ways. Some you will have noticed, some you might All submissions must have a not. We've been printed at AVS this year, and that's allowed us to have that fancy name and Union card number. colour masthead thingy on the front page. Makes a change firom the solid black ones Submission is no guarantee BF used to have. The whole thing is produced in much less time than it used to be, at of publication. all stages of production. I put the deadline for BF back by half a day at the start of the year, and haven't found the need to bring it forward again. Notice the distinct lack of adverts on the front page. I've insisted on keeping stories on the front page. Stuff about discos and balls has gone inside. I hope you agree that this is a much more worthwhile use of the paper. Also gone are society "columns". We still carry articles about clubs and societies' activities, but we now make sure that it's relevant and interesting. No more in jokes that 95% of the readership don't understand (apart from the Personals). Apart from BF, there's been handbooks a-plenty. I have helped Heather produce booklets to help all sorts of people, from first years to final years, course reps, those about to go off on Industrial Year and many more. The Student Advice Service leaflets were re-designed. I've tried to make the layout of materials clearer. It's not much good Information and if you have to wade through pages to find the one little piece of info you need. Helpline service We've hit the Net. The Union has its own Worid Wide Web pages, containing all the sorts of stuff that the Union does. Apart from good old BF, there's Welfare informa- tion, stuff about the Union officials. Clubs and Societies and other things. And it hasn' t 8pm - 8am finished yet. The service is still growing, and by next year, will contain much more useful information. Phone ext. 4949 People keep asking me if I've enjoyed my year. I suppose I have really. It has seemed like a long time, but it's been worth it. This is still quite a new job, and there are still Between Wey and hurdles to jump in the future. I wish Rob all the best, and hope he gets as much out Wandle in Surrey Court of his year as I have of mine. Jonathan Bennett Communications Officer [email protected] Pon't forqet to Dear Editor I am writing to thank you and all the students for collecting the Tesco vouchers on our behalf. As a secondary school the offer always comes at die time when we lose RECYCLE all our Year 11 and Upper Sixth pupils as the depart for study leave and their exams. This means that our pupil numbers drop just when we are urging everyone to collect Bare Facts if possilbe We are hoping to be able to obtain a set of pocket book computers so that maths classes Paper bins in the can use spreadsheets in class on their desks alongside calculators, instread of having Union and all to make special arrangements to book one of the IT rooms. This will also help reinforce the idea of a computer as a tool. court receptions. When we know the result I will write to you again to let you know exactly what we have been able to obtain. Once again, thank you all very much indeed, your help is ...or just use it to greatly appreciated. J R Davies (Mrs) mop up spilt IT Department drinlcs! Guildford County School Famham Road 29th June 1995 5 Review of the Year Autumn Term some hold ali year throughto the extraordinary Conference held October after Easter. The Union gets three new minibuses to replace our old, wom out buses. They are made available for sponsorship, and the first The Symphonic Wind Band make the headlines as the condi- takers are NatWest Bank and Endsleigh Insurance. The third bus tions they have to practice in get worse. The Music department has to wait until the spring to become the "Firkin Minibus", will no longer house them, and they are forced to practice in the which Rugby Club promptly crash on their tour. Library Restaurant, which involved paying for an attendant. This arrangement soon broke down, and the only space left was November sloping Teaching Block rooms, which are completely unsuitable for the purpose. A member of Stage Crew is injured when a safety light abo ve the stage falls fi^om the roof. He is rushed to the Royal Surrey DeCCinber County Hospital, but luckily he escapes with minor injuries. Both Estates & Buildings Department and the Safety departmenl The Vice-Chancellor of Portsmouth University, Neil Merrit, promise to look into the matter. The offending fitting is stili in resigns after a vote of no confidence in him is passed. Mr Merrit the Union roof. had been found to have submitted irregular expenses claims, including claiming twice for an Airline flight so his wife could ^TJnion gets £650,000" The University Foundation fund grants travel with him. He resigned from the £90,000 a year job the day the Union over half a million pounds to build an extensión on to before a Govemors meeting was due to set up an enquiry into Union House. The pian is to increase the capacity of the building the affair. from its present limit of 1200 people to 1500. Despite the plans having changed several times since, work is due to start next The Department of Electronic and Eléctrica! Engineering an- week, one term has ended. nounce plans for scholarships worth £1000 to persuade top notch students to Surrey. NUS hold a national demonstration to highlight student hard- ship. Thirty thousand students make their way from Battersea Park through Knightsbridge to Hyde Park, where a rally is held. The leadership of NUS incur the wrath of a small group of students by putting on comedians at the start of the rally. Presumably they wanted to storm the Houses of Parliament there and then. NUS are accused of ineffectiveness, a feeling which

THE CHANCELLOR'S GRADUATION LUNCH FRIDAY 7TH JULY 1995 £11,95 PER PERSON Chilled Apple & Brandy Soup oz Melon or Prawn Cocktail ***** Poached Salmón or Roast Lamb or Chicken Alsace Ali served witb vegetables & pota toes ***** Summer Fruits ***** Coffee Bookings now being taken in the Union General Office Ext. 9343 Bookings aiso being taken for Thursday 6th Lots of very wet students complaining about their mearge grants Julyig95. 6 Bare Facts - Stitch Up Issue Review of the year Spring Term

he first issue of Bare Facts after the Christmas break internal reform, students with disabiHties and the environment, carried a range of serious articles concerning student amongst others. welfare. Two brothers died in a flat in Nottingham after Carbon Monoxide inhalation from a gas heater. The Week five of term brought to a close the first round of sabbatical TUniversity also suffered its first theft of the year with a elections. Andrea Morley, Alan Roy and Steve De Wint were Camcorder being stolen from Mechanical Engineering. A voted in for Vice-president, Ents and Sports respectively. It was student had discovered the thief and was injured whilst trying to not a good week for Alan though as he had his car broken into stop him escaping. and the records stolen from the boot. (Not everyone was crying shame!). The following week the results of the nominations for sabbati- cal posts were announced. Unfortunately there was no-one Bare Facts also featured Manoj Patel TV Personality, with a photo of the Union president being filmed for a University willing to take on the post of Communications Officer, with the promotional video. only contested position being Sports Officer. Posts are often uncontested but to have three was very rare for the sabbatical The following week, Manoj's Bollox were all over the front elections. The argument over beer prices started all over again page of Bare Facts, that is the infamous MANOJ SAYS BOLLOX after a student had visited Reading University and bought apint returned to Bare Facts after a years absence. (For those of you who are lost at this point, when the President was Editor of Bare Facts he coined the phrase whenever there was something that he disagreed with). In this case it was Wednesday afternoon teaching, a proposal from the University to enable the extension of teaching and to alleviate pressures on teaching space. What the University had effectively done was to threaten the Univer- sities sport, (which are played on Wednesday afternoon) and also threaten the production of this publication. The argument was that the students would ultimately lose out and so would the University. It was the same week that someone decided to drive their car down from the Cathedral car park, down the grass by Surrey Court Reception and onto the access road. However, they had not anticipated getting stuck in the mud and then being clamped by Security. It was noted that the fine for removing the clamp would have to be wavered as the car was not in a University car-park. Week seven brought different news. The president of Brighton for under £1. University faced deportation back to his native Zimbabwe after the Home Office had refused to extend his student visa. Pancho The third week of term brought news that most students were Ndebde had left the UK to go home for Christmas and found aware of. The Fire Alarm in the Union building was set off at that he was unable to return back to this country in January. 10.15 pm on the Friday night, during a hoedown. As Union policy is that if the alarm is set off by accident the building does This week brought to a head the discontentment with the NUS not re-open, the whole event was cancelled. Later, it was that the students Union had been suffering for the past term. In discovered that the alarm was set off by a door opening into a a vote at the GM, a motion was passed resulting in vote on NUS breakglass point. This had been installed in the wrong piace by affiliation being carried out at the same time as the second contractors, and "the Union was compensated for their loss of session of sabbatical elections. earnings. TThis compensation was used to put on the first Free Discontentment was also voiced over the quality of the lecturers Wednesday night disco this term. at many Universities, with the Higher Education Funding The fi-ont page also carried an article written by the Vice Council putting £3 million towards improving teaching stand- Chancellor in response to the poor turnout for the sabbatical ards at Universities. elections. The VC stated that when he arrived in October he was Entertainments reached a high after Salad performed on the vei7 pleased with the strong links that the Union and the stage. TTiis was the first time in the term that the Union had been University have and the high quality of life enjoyed by surrey full on a Sunday night. It also meant that Bare Facts carried a students. He felt that this was in jeopardy due to the lack of full page interview with the band and reviews of their perfor- interest in the Union. mance. It was, however, the letters page that was brimming with views The second set of reported thefts of the term occurred in week after we received the most letters all term. Three pages were eight. A stranger was seen fleeing from Tate 1 after being published, most of which concerned opinions on the sabbatical disturbed by cleaners, and a person was detained by security elections in general and the Student Apathy that seems to exist after being caught stealing from the PATS building. Students at the University. Most students disagreed with this fact and were urged to ensure that Äe outer doors to their buildings were cited other reasons and excuses. locked at all times and that if they left their rooms to lock their Issue 834 brought news of the Chemistry student, Fiona War- doors too, no matter how long they would be gone for. ner, who was awarded £1,000 from Shell UK in recognition of The term drew to a close with the results of the Smoking survey an outstanding performance in the first year of her course. NUS carried out by the Vice President. Out of the 914 interviewed regional conference time was drawing close and requests for 32% were smokers and 14% ex-smokers. This appeared to bear any motions to be put forward were still be listened to. Surrey true with the average across the student body. In light of the had prioritised motions on student financial support, NUS 29th June 1995 7 results a no smoking ban was introduced in Chancellors during The final story of the term concerned the end of Spitting Image, the periods when food was being served. after over 11 years of latex lampoonery. The satirical show would have it's last airing in the autumn ^ter which it would be scrapped. Summer Term students attending. However, the vote within this body of stu- April dents was one for not disaffiliating. Financial hardship of students was highlighted by the results (pub.) of a survey carried out during Degrees of Debt week of Surrey came fifteenth in the Times Newspaper "Good Univer- action. This showed that 44% of respondents considered them- sity Guide", with reports of excellence for both music and selves to be in financial hardship and were experiencing diffi- business departments. This was a rise of two places since the last culties with academic work as a direct result of their financial year's league - possible due to the adjustment of the rating position. The situation had led to 80% of respondents taking a schemes after they were criticised for being too complex. part-time job as a way of supplementing the meagre assistance available to them. June The National Union of Students voted against changing their May policy on student funding. The policy stands at the movement to uphold campaigning for free education for all and for a return Thefts increased as wallets were stolen from two students' to 1979 grant levels. This view, however preposterous, was rooms in Surrey and Battersea Courts. In both cases the wallets discussed in an all-day extraordinary conference in Derby. were stolen Irom unlocked rooms which had been left unoccu- pied for a short while. Students were urged not to leave their Students in claim disputes had their rights upheld by the Court rooms unlocked for any amount of time due to the insecure of Appeal for financial assistance during a period suspension nature of the courts which allowed any person to easily wander from their course. This will increase the amount of money the in unchallenged. DSS pays out to benefit cases around the country, and is aboost to students who have had no income support whilst being unable Imperial college voted for their Union to remain out of the NUS, to continue with their studies. as Surrey students were urged to vote in our own referendum. Imperial College had voted to disaffiliate from the NUS 17 years Union constitution was changed in a double-quorate GM (the ago, in their first referendum, and 60% of their current students first for two years) with the added attraction of cheap lager, the still agreed with this decision. D:Ream tickets going on sale, and a free raffle. Alterations made include the renaming of the Vice President as Student Affairs Here at the University of Surrey the vote for the NUS referen- Officer, and the replacement of the Ents Officer by a full-time dum was taken alongside that of the sabbatical by-elections. Ents Manager. Overall, the turnout of students was disappointing, with only 450 Shell decided not to dump the Brent Spar oil platform at sea. This decision came after a week of intense campaigning by Greenpeace, involving protesters boarding the platform to at- THE STUDENTS^ UNION CLUB tempt to prevent any movement of the rig. SUMMER VACATION OPENTNG TfMRS 1995

WILL BE CLOSED FROM IST JULY • IST SEPTEMBER

+ WILL BE CLOSED FROM IST JULY - IST SEPTEMBER INCLUSIVE

BAE Monday - Friday 11a.m. - 11p.m. Saturday 7 p.m. - 11 p.m. Sunday 7 p.m. - 10.30p.m.

FOOD Monday - Friday Breakfast 8.30a.m. • Ì0.30a.m. Bar Snacks 12 noon - 2 p.m. 5 p.m. - 6.30 p.m. July only) TDH Restaurant 12 noon • 2 p.m. pT FACT? TSJOTF^ THE CHANCELLORS WIIX BE CLOSED ON THE FOLLOWING OCCASIONS FOR PRIVATE FUNCTIONS. FrìtUy 7(b July from 3 p.m. Thur«ky 27(h July from 2.30p.m. • 8 pun. Saturday 29th July clowd Monday 7th Augu«t doted (University holiday) University dote down Friday 2Sth August 2J0 p.m. Re-opens Tuesday 29tfa August 8.30 a.m. -Indusiv« (Bank holiday weekead). 'Kext C^mmA O^^ccen-l 8 Bare Facts - Stitch Up Issue THIS YEARS THING A review of the last three terms music OCTOBER The Stone Roses announced their long awaited return, and a new single 'Love Spreads' was played on IFM, unfortunately A pretty dour monlh for music kicked off this univer- it wasn't released for another 3 weeks because of a problem sity year, where there really wasn'l much happening with the artwork. Indie no-hopers The Family Cat caused a bit in and around music. The funniest thing that happened of a stir when they released and then subsequently deleted their in this month was the collapsing stand at Pink Royd's new single 'Jonathan Aitken Is a Complete Twat' rumour has Earl's Court show. Organisers claimed that the stand it that The Cat offered Mr Aitken £500 to ask questions about was suffering from metal fatigue. Insiders claimed it in The Commons. that it was the excess weight of five hundred 40 year olds with a bit of middle aged spread. Bands such as The Bogus Brothers. The Hamsters, Eat The Sofa, and Sister Wendy ali played during Rag Week at Ali Day The union played host to a number of bands with The Blues. Whilst The Co-Creators were the pick of a bad bunch at Emperors New Clothes, Collapsed Lung, and Funka- the Union. MeanwhiÌe locai favourites Redwood were wowing bubble being among the best. Others included Juliet the crowds at the prestigious Ham & Blackbird in Famborough. Roberts, and Opus 3. Friendly Comms Officer Jono Bennett was quoted in saying Smart albums out at this point were Dodgy's 'Home- that "Nobody, and I mean nobody, can say that Doop was a shite grown', Nirvana's 'Unplugged' and Green Day's record." 'Dookie'. Singles wise Radiohead released 'My Iron Lung', Hed released 'Reigndance' and The Prodigy DECEMBER played at The Civic Hall. The Stone Roses fïnally return after nearly 2000 days away, but their return to fame was scuppered by Oasis, whose 'Whatever' People laughed loudiy at records by Brian Kennedy, single pissed ali over 'Love Spreads'. New Order released a Jamiroquai, Anne Clark and a band named after the greatest hits catalogue just in time for the Christmas market, as former Welsh Minister who is ready to challenge John did the Beatles and The Beautiful South. Major for leadership of the country. The Rolling Stones announced détails of their 'Voodoo Loun- Comms Officer Jono Bennett was quoted in saying "I ge' tour, whilst Pearl Jam released 'Vitalogy' and Sound Barrier think Hadaway's debut album is perhaps the test threw a party to celebrate and gave away free beer. Loads tumed debut album by a contemporary dance act, we will forgot about Pearl Jam and got drunk on the beer instead. ever hear." Up, Cool records out at the moment included ones by The Co-Cre- NOVEMBER ators, The Charlatans, Bomb Hie Bass, and Slowly. Crap ones Music cheered up in November as Supergrass arrived included 'Funk & Drive' by Elevatorman and 'Interstate Love and released their debut single 'Caught By The Fuzz' and they Song' by The Stone Temple Pilots. Speedway, The Wasp were instantly hailed as 'The Future of Rock". Along with Factory and Jess rocked the Union, whilst local heroes Red- Oasis', 'Cigarettes and Alcohol' and The Beastie Boys 'Sure wood fmally knew they'd made it when they supported The Shot', and some bunch of idiots called Burp released 'Parklife' Westwood School Steel Drum Band at the Wood Street Village the single. Other excellent records included ones by Bad Reli- Xmas Bonanza Fayre. gion, The Crazy Gods of Endless Noise, Little Axe and An- Everyone's favourite Comms Officer, Jono Bennett was over- dromeda Strain. Whilst much laughter was heard when Pearl heard saying that "Vera Duckworth 's Christmas single, brought Jam retumed and warned us of a Yank invasion, citing bands a tear to the eye." such as nie Stone Temple Pilots and The Spin Doctors as future rock heroes. JANUARY The wonderful Tricky appeared on our scenes when he released the ultra-cool 'Overeóme' fooling millions of Massive Attack i fans. Stephen Patrick Morrissey returned, was laughed at, and then vanished. J.T.Q played Bojanglez and caused Woodbridge Road to be shut for a whole hour. A new pop combo called Menswear played their fourth ever gig at this very Union, and were quickly hailed as "The Future Of Rock", but another band Heather Nova impressed the Union mob more. Back To The Planet retumed and were ignored because nobody likes them anymore, as were Carter for the same reason. Ter- rorvision called Bon Jovi "fucking sad" and their records sales quickly rocketed. Top records out in this month were Leftfield's brilliant 'Left- ism', Apollo 440's 'Millennium Fever', and a new band called Weezer released a song about Sweaters. Rockers Hi Fi released 'What A Life' and Suede's first record featuring their new guitarist Richard Oakes, 'New Generation', hit the shops. Hairy Comms Officer Jono Bennett was overheard saying "God I wish I was in Worid's Apart, I'm far more attractive than all of them, and I'm a better dancer."

The Crazy Gods of Endless Noise 29th June 1995 9 Meanwhile local tips for the top Redwood thrilled the masses Boo Radleys release 'Wake Up', and become the worlds most when they supported Bum Gravy at Haslemere's worid famous unlikely Number One pop act. 'Untalented' Wival. An excited gig goer was quoted in saying And Jono Bennett, or as we like to call him Mr Small Willie, that "it was like Boston never happened." was seen dancing energetically at an MN8 concert. FEBRUARY MAY A great month for music as the Union had perhaps it's biggest Normal service was resumed in the music industry as Pulp begin set of free bands. In this month alone, Apollo 440, Salad, The their obvious takeover of everything including the charts. The Senseless Things and AC Acoustics all graced the Union stage. Jesus and Marychain return and say 'ftjck' on Radio 1 at half Records out this month included the new stuff from Faith No past two in the morning in true anti music industry fashion. More which sucked to be honest. American skate punks become the new big thing with bands such as Offspring and Green Day Reef, Porcupine Tree and Finitribe storm the Union's stage to all chalking up big hits. much delight and a good time was had by all. Bands of the month include Pulp, Puressence, Hookian Mindz, Dreadzone, Orbital, Fantastic records by Elastica, Carter, Sleeper, The Prodigy, Supergrass and The Wildhearts. Danny Red and Gravediggaz all found our shops, and records by Sparks, Gloworm, Sister Bliss and Siouxsie and The Ban- Tribal Gathering 95 attracts 25,000 ravers for an incredible 17 shees all found the bin. Freakpower packed Bojanglez to bur- hour non-stop music marathon, some say it is the best festival sting point as the played there for two quid the week the went in ever organized. The Stone Roses cancel some more gigs, but at number 2! then play some only this time it's in America. The Word is banned because it had Gene on it. Rather worryingly Richey Edwards from the Manic Street Pre- achers went missing on February 1st and is still missing as I Oily Comms Officer Jono Bennett claims that the Union should write. Also Bill Berry from R.E.M had a brain haemorrhage and play house to some decent acts like Jimmy Nail and Barbara Matty Hanson of Credit To the Nation had a nervous breakdown. Streisand instead of crap like Keith Donnelly and CJ Lewis. Local favourites Redwood play a sheep shearing festival in Ulan Demented Comms Officer Jono Bennett was seen in HMV Bator, Outer Mongolia and are reported to be seen leaving with buying a large collection of Chris De Burgh C.D's and then he a sheep on each arm. was seen virtually sprinting home to play them, it was rumoured that he had knocked over several disabled grannies that just happened to be walking up Bridge Street. When the police tried JUNE to apprehend Mr Bennett, he was overheard to have said "Get Glastonbury comes and go, lots of crusties get stoned, a few out of my way, pig, The Lady In Red is waiting." people lose their virginity, whilst others just mellow out in the sun. Blur become the AOR stadium rock act that they have Local scruffy pigs Redwood were delighted to be asked to always wanted to be, when they headline at Mile End Stadium headline an all day protest in a Clandon pub. The protest was and (thank you God) it pisses down on all their sad little fans. dedicated to bands and individuals who spend years playing dirty, smelly toilet venues and never get anywhere. Redwood's Jason Rebello becomes the best act to play the Union this year day was however, spoiled as the were blown off stage by former by a clear mile, and Munch/ The Horn is the rather dubious line Playschool presenter Christopher Lillicrap, and ex-Neighbours up for the Sunday night bands. Tickets to see D-Ream sell out star Stefan Dennis. quicker than Glasters, and it threatens to be a good night out. Great records were made by The Chemical Brothers, Black MARCH Grape, The Foo Fighters, The Burp scoop four awards at the Brit Awards. Glastonbury and Verve, Reef, Prophets of Da City, Phoenix tickets got on sale, the former's selling out in record and Teenage Fanclub. time. Many people brought them to see the Second Coming, but as we all know the bastards pulled out. Redwood are hijacked by Green- peace and are dragge^MÍiL to sea Cool records around in this month include Tricky's debut, and dumped, there Radioheads 'The Bends', PJ Harvey's radio friendly new album, is much cheering and The Natural Born Killers soundtrack. Bummers include as not only EMF's album, 'Don't Fear The Reaper' by Apollo 440 and have they gone 'Good Feeling' by Reef away but they also have had a Funkabubble, Cable, and Orange Deluxe all played the Union wash! Jono to a mixed response. The biggest gig of the month and term was Bennett de- the arrival of CJ Lewis who brought a coach the size of Guildford clares his love Court with him and some of the biggest meanest looking bas- for Thousand tards I've ever seen as well. Yard Stare and A night of music dedicated to the creme of local talent begins, is heartbroken craply named Splatch!. The first night kicks off with The Baby by the fact that South and Skipper being the best bands on show. Whilst Splatch! they have split was generating audiences of 500 plus, Redwood played to 5 up, this sends blokes at The Dog & Scrotum in Park Bam. him away to a rehab clinic Sad Comms Officer Jono Bennett is quoted in Bare Facts saying where he sits "I dunno about you but I believe that Pato Banton totally now rocking to deserved that number one single and if 'Bubbling Hot' doesn't and fro laugh- repeat the feat, then, well I'll shag Clare Raynor." ing like a ma- niac and APRIL occasionally doing perfect Bugger all happened really, apart from Oasis getting their first impressions of Chris Isaak. ever Number One record. TTie lovely Bjork returned. Courtney Love went bonkers around England. Redwood begged Ents Officials from around England for gigs, and then people set Steeve French about destroying their tapes (I kid you not). The Stone Roses Kingmaker cancel their secret tour because of one duff gig in Norway. The IF YOU THINK YOU WILL HAVE SEUERE FINANCIAL HARDSHIP DURING THE SUMMER VACATION YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR HELP FROM THE UACATION HARDSHIP FUND APPLICATION FORMS ARE AVAILABLE FROM THE WELFARE OFFICER OR THE VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENTS' UNION CLOSING DATE : 28 JULY 1995 APPLICANTS MUST HAVE TAKEN OUT I > M I I M M I I I I I M I I I I M I I M I M M I I M I t I I I I M I I M I t M M M t I M M M I M M I I M M I I M M I M I I I I I • I I I i I I I I I I I t M I A STUDENT LOAN t M I M I I I I M I M I M I M I M I M I I M t I M I I I I M I t t I I M I I I I I I I 29th June 1995 11 The Years Photos

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é^'To my little Gay Princess é^- Found at Chancellors, boxer shorts, with the blue habitat dinner size: small, any takers? piate pyjamas - good luck in é^ I FELL OVER the outside world. From the Chloeeeeeee (how many balls?) effective windbreak. Emma, TU be your friend!? é^' Steve: Are you the only man The last issue of this year - and we in the world who doesn't haven't tied up the Editor yet! keep his knickers in his top Sue, good luck with the job hunting. drawer? Sophie To Mad Jane, watch out for 0 Bisley is going to have difficulty Con- the 'shorts', they'll get you trolling someone this year, isn't that every time! right S? é^MR0830V Same blow, 0 To Melbird, happy birthday on Thurs- same time, same place?? day!!! Naughty, naughty?? é^"HEDGEHOG" - Thanks 0 To the long-haired hippy, good luck in your new job...from a long suffering for a great year, FU miss you Bf helper over the Summôr. P.S. - How much is the charge for ^^Jono, before you have a go at the a wheel clamp? AE condition of my hair just take a good, long look at yours. Sophie é^'Steve: Come on be brave The best of this year's PUT THEM IN THE TOP 0 Well, I had to try and do something didn't I! Personals: a DRAWER! é^^Recipe for Dom's fondu night é^- SEDUCTRESS Ha, ha, I win. Better é'^BIMBO: The Andrex Spread Guinness liberally on the car- Puppy... luck next year! Love and hugs SE- pet, add the bread and toss the 7 é^^ PAUL MILLER Thanks for DUCER. peaople under one duvet. D5. several years of NO SEX. 0 It is better to type and to be bored than 0 You know the girl who doesn't sleep Ali women of UoS not to type and be roped into clearing with a man on the first date .... Well, é^Thank you for making this year out the darkroom. she isn't one of those. possible. Shame you weren't around é^'Wanted: hair trauma specialist for the Student Initiative Officer to share it. Mr. Anticlockwise. Mole disaster survivor. Does have a girlfriend - in fact he STAN - We must seek revenge let's 0 To the Biochem group of 5 - Thanx virtually has a wife! Sorry girls!! kill the prowling ex-girlfriend!! From for being great. See you ali at Gerry's 0 A big THANKYOU to the kind per- PP (AISO)O for the re-takes. Love the Messiah. son who handed in my wallet at Ali é^'Karen, Someone between Bobby é^Nicky - We've got the top floor. Day Blues (aftemoon) and 'you abso- Brown and Roachford?! It'Il haunt me Superb - see you in August if not lute bastard' to the git who stole my forever, you stupid bitchÜ Please put before. Sarah. last tenner from it. me out of my misery, l'm losing too 0 Penny, good luck in your new job, 'Nymphomaniac', now that's a funny much sleep! Richard. word. Doesn't it mean 'marries' to é^" To ali those nice people who said that 0 Sophie, your eatìng habits are getting God? Well, that's what it says in my they would tum up on Tuesday and out of hand ! French dictionary any way. didn't THANKYOU 0 Thanks to ali the chancellors staff for 0 To crew. You're ali lovely but l'm not é^'^Never mind Pob's farts...what about ali their hard work over the year, TU interested. OJ's sister. Al H'sdumpsU! miss you Al xxx 0 WANTED: A Life. Apply to PRV, i Gaily Waily, Celia Snuffle Bunny & 0 Well, il's not as bad as your drinking Dept of Mechanical Engineering. Chrissy Whissy, Thanks for putting habit! 01 can give you nothing that is not ai- up with me this year...Richie (The ready within yourself. I can throw Hat) Rich. open to you no picture gallery but y our é^' Mr VUP - Not long tili that cuddle own soul... I help to make your own now! - WW X world visible - that is ali. 'TANIA PATTY - What a sumame - 0 Smutty Sharon is running out of in- sorry Tania had to do it. P.S. have a nuendo and desparately wants some- good time in Portugal. Sun, sea, sand one with a filthy mind to come and and Andy" AE spend long winter evenings talking Norman Wagwinkle says Bollox. dirty to her. é^- Jono - THANKYOU! 0 She's only allegedly OJ's sister - for é^' M, R «& P The thing about our banned Christ's sake crew. list is, will it actually fît in the house? 0 Pete, that mark on your neck, just S can't IGNAW it, love Crew. é^Duncan, after nearly four years, é^ A summer of 24hrs now a year of you're stili simply THE BEST! Weekends ... I can't wait to be intro- Vicky. duced to days and nights in Septem- é^' l'm fed up of typing personals in!! ber!!! l've ali my fingers and toes crossed for the MSc outcome! Lover but l'm stili going!!! as always and forever .. Me x They say that human intelligence has been around for thousands of years. 0 5 in a sleepingbag? May the force be Looking at the Communications Of- with you. ficer it would appear to stili be in the nappy stage! 29th June 1995 15 Sigma Visuals Graduation Photographs Vacation Jobs requires assistants for the Degree Ceremonies Playworkers are required to work on a sum- on Friday 7th July mer playscheme. Apply by application form, avail- able from VP' s office. £3-£3.50 per hour, start 17th July. at Quantum Pursuits require students for summer work and helping with laser combat games. Must be enthusiastic and willing to travel. Hours and rate of pay vary according to the event. Contact Chris Fin- ney on 01483 860993. Strawberry pickers required in local are until August. Pay according to daily piece rate. Con- tact Malcolm Coles on 01428 604508. English Language Institute require a summer £40 school assistant to help organise the social pro- gramme for students on summer courses. £4.50 per for the day hour. Starting end of June. Contact Katie Dickinson on ext. 9159. (one motorcyclist would be desireable) Securicor are looking for a number of students to work during the summer vacation. Phone 0181 722 2222 for ^ For those who are not partaking, more details. come and help those who are. The Students' Union and the Jobshop have not researched the operational practices of all employers outlined above. These We also have vacancies for helpers at £3.50 per vacancy details are presented as a service to students and later in the month graduates and it is the responsibility of applicants to ensure If you are interested, phone Jane that employers and vacancies are bona fide. All of these jobs and more are advertised through the Jobshop on at the Help Desk in the Students' Union on Wednesdays 11 am 01483 235151 - 3pm. for further details

What is the worst form of torture for tion la plus impartante - ou habites-tu The rest of the Best: exactment? Le Surrey Court? L'U- Suggestible sucker of the year! More a man (how does naked, carpet beater calories than chocolate, but only half and an open seated chair strike you). niversite Court? ou pest-etre le Twy- the satisfaction. Steve DeWint - did you know climb- ford Court? ing under chairs is a trait of an extra- é^' Je suis desolee, mais j'habite aNugent Mr. Simon Besley : Charming, witty, vert. Court - ce n'estpas tres pres de 'Cam- debonair and desparate. é^" Rob Dorey - Happy 22nd birthday - pus' . Peut-etre tu peux me trouver une Why are ther no cones in Guildford by the way if l'd realised that it was chambre sur le campus. anymore? you l'd have taken a photo and printed A l'homme on palais-ton absence sera é^Xhristian Welfare For Stage Man- it alongside the one of Jono covered in vivement senti, mai je ne cesserai ager!?! shaving foam. janais de penser a toi. Dors bien! Yea, tho we may walk through the whom it may concern: Sorry to é^- DAMN! I like a man in an APRON!! valley of darkness we shall fear no disappoint you but what goes on be- é^' HANDS OFF the man in the apron, evil, for we are the evilest bastards in tween a girl and her cucumber is pri- he's mine!! the valley - Medie. vate. ^ The Man in the Apron, who are you, There were three in the bed and We now bring you two touching tales of its driving US (?!) mad? Adam's little one said "No thanks, I'm true love whoes relevant progress has é^'^The Man in the Apron - Hello! Will pissed"! been charted accross our pages for the last you make the first contact? Reply next é^' A - Sorry, but you'll have to try harder year. week. top get a personal in next time ( and ^•Qu'est-ce tu fais d'habitude le wee- spell my name right) - J kend? é^-Does APRON MAN live in Cath Court? From a man in Cath.Court I guess we were all guilty, in a way. Alors...pas beaucoup. C'est possible wearing an apron! We all shot him, we all skined him, que tu peux me trouver quelque chose #'The man in the apron says: 'Lets and we all got a complimentary bum- a faire. Qu'est-ce que tu penses? Meet ! See you outside my court recep- per sticker that said "I helped skin Qu'est-ce que tu en penses - diner a tion, today (Friday 17th Feb) at 6pm, Bob". deux ce weekend? Please be there....' é^'I had to stop driving my car for a é^" Ca serait une bonne idee, mais il y a é^'To the man in the apron. l'm really un petit problème.... j'espere que tu es while. The tires got dizzy sorry, I must have just missed you on une belle fille, parce que je suis un é^" Jono, press Ctrl + F2 - you might find Friday. Perhaps we could arrange an- homme. the spell check, other rendez-vous? How about my é^' Well, yet another personal to fill up Il n'y a pas de problème - je suis, sans court reception om Friday at 6.15pm? the page up. doute, une fille mais peut-etre trop é^' Apron man number 2 seen flashing in Jeff, you're going to have to sort oyt belle pur toi!!! University Court! this misogyny of yours. Excusez-moi, mademoiselle; je suis assez beau moi-mem. Mais la ques- last the distance?' Thankfully they did and the majority deci- BareBicts sion winner, Emma, proudly took her Banana home with her! ! Other winners were: Men's Beginners - 1st Elias, CU Washed Bods, 2nd Stuart, Biosports, 3rd T Rook, Oarsome Women's Beginners - 1st Turid Sub Aqua, 2nd Georgina SPORT Haynes, Bobbles. 3rd Sharon, Biosports Slalom - 1st Mik, Sub Aqua, 2nd A Weston, Oarsome Pugil Bananas - Ist Emma, CÜ Washed Bods, 2nd Mik, Sub Aqua Raft Chariots - Ist Biosports, 2nd Oarsome, 3rd CU Washed RIVER Bods Raft Change About - 1st MSU Spartan All Stars, 2nd Bio- (BANANAS) sports Tug of War -1. Sub Aqua, 2nd Oarsome Team Winners - Ist Sub Aqua, 2nd CU Washed Bods, 3rd SPORTS DAY Oarsome he 1995 River Sports Day will, I hope, be a day to Congratulations to all who took part. I believe a fun day was remember for all involved. It had all the fun of past had by all and I would personally like to thank all who came years with slalom, chariot races, raft change about and down and made my first River Sports Day such a success, all Ttug of war, but there was one subtle difference .... five those who helped the preparation beforehand and tidy up foot bananas! afterwards and especially big 'thank you' to the Canoe and Sub Aqua Clubs for all their help. The entries were very good this year totalling over fifty compe- titors. with possibly as many spectators. The event was kindly Paul Hobrou^ attended by Councillor Douglas May (Guildford Mayor 1994- River Sports Co-ordinator 95)and his wife, who thoroughly enjoyed themselves. This all created a brilliant atmosphere thus drawing many passers by to see our students do what they do best... knock each other off surfboards with ... yes, you guessed it, FIVE FOOT BA- NANAS!! The day was blessed with glorious sunshine resulting in a few voluntiy duckings - many thanks to Sub Aqua for that one. With St John Ambulance waiting on the side lines for any mishaps, John Perrin poised at the microphone and Barry Hitchcock with his starters gun in the air, the games could begin. Audiovisual Services After a varied display of canoeing skills (thank you Canoe Club), the beginners race started the events. Although some didn't quite .are plcased to be associated with and he printing 'for make all the way around the intrepid course the general feeling was that everybody died their best and had lots of fun. The raft change about and the raft up chariot race ran with equal excite- The University of Surrey ment and served to get as many more people wet as possible. The slalom event, the most technical, demonstrated that the Univer- sity has some raw talent, which if unleashed under the right Students' Union supervision could see us in a B.U.S.A. tournament in ftiture years! However, there were some very dubious Hawaii Five O tactics which again resulted in unfinished business as far as the "Bare Facts" course was concerned.

The highlight of the day however was the PUGIL BANANAS A warm welcome is èxtendedjo ali University which ran continuously throughout the afternoon and seemed to somewhat overshadow the other events as the cheers rang out Staff i Students to fulfìll your requirements in (especially from MSU Spartan All Stars) across the once peace- ful picnic area. This new event, specially created for this year's River Sports, Prìhting & Photocopying was intended to be played with PUGIL STICKS (with competi- tors trying to knock each other off surf boards and into the Graphie Design * water!), but regrettably the company who had months earlier promised to provide me with the sticks rang at 9.00 a.m. on Wednesday to say that I could not longer have them! This meant Phptograplìy excessive stress, several phone calls to local toy shops and then a quick trip in desperation to Slyfield Market - the end result was Télévision & Aiidio ni U two five foot long blow up bananas ... but would they work??? , Projection'Services It didn't take long before we had our first puncture, then our second, third and fourth, but it was becoming a resounding ^ (externaè^us^omers tveJeoi success and my only concern was 'would the stars of the show tJnK'ersilyofSunçy, - ^ ' - Cu^diatf,Surrey. 002.'iXH. "j . v ,, Tel: WSs) 259290 Fax (01483) 2S93jtf^