Issue 838 University of Surrey Students' Union 3rd March 1995 Thîeves Seen On Campus

" ^^ ecurity on campus ^^has again been ^^khighlighted this Ki^week, in two separate incidents. On Tuesday morning a stranger fled from Tate 1 (Battersea Court) after being disturbed by cleaners, and later that day reports came in of someone of a similar description trying doors to campus rooms.

A second incident on the same day saw a person being detained when caught stealing from the PATS building. He was caught thanks to the ob- servations of one eagle- eyed student. The man ^ was disturbed by the stu- dent while carrying a handbag, which he imme- diateiy dropped. The stu- dent then telephoned Security and gave a de- scription of the man. Increased security in the courts, but how effective is it? Thanks to this, Security apprehended a man in the Council Car residents to let in people they do not know without actually Park, and he Is now helping the Police with theh- enquiries. Tony checking who they are or what they are doing here. I know it Watling, Chief Security Officer, was keen to stress the import- may sound a little petty to ask probing questions of whoever ance of immediate action. He said "If this student had waited rings the doorbell, but surely it's worth it. And keeping your even a few minutes before calling us, the man would have got room doors locked when you are not in should go without away. If a student sees anything suspicious, they should cali saying. Security right away". As well as al! the hassie and stress caused by thefts, if something In the majority of tbe courts of residence the outer doors do not is stolen, and it can be proved that sufficient security measures lock automatically. At ail times, and especially at the moment, were not taken (ie. the doors were not locked), then any insur- with this spate of incidents, it is important that OUTER ance poHcies will be deemed invalid. DOORS ARE KEPT LOCKED AT ALL TIMES. In the newer courts, namely Uni. and Twyford court, the doors do have YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. an automatic locking system. However, it is not unheard of for Sue Norman

If anyone sees anvthing suspicious happening on Campus, they should cali Security IMMFDIATELY on extension 3333, or Free on 0800 525790 from a callbox. 2 Bare Facts

STEP BACK IN View Point TIME. The Week Ahead 1 YEAR AGO. Ian Fisher, the Anglican Chaplain There Is No Smoke Without Fire poses as a Security Officer for a Sat- Next week the Welfare Committee and myself will be running an awareness week, urday evening. centring around National No Smoking Day on Wednesday. There will be an informa- tion stall between on Wednesday all day and 12-2pm every other day. The stall will The Coffee Bar gets a reputation as a be manned with volunteers who can assist with any query relating to quitting smoking "pick up joint." Apparently people etc. I am also hoping to arrange a talk with an ex drug user, however, details have not were going in just to chat up members been confirmed - watch this space as they say. of the opposite sex.

Smoke Free Union Personal- "Spiff- come and get it like a bitch- funl^ sex machine." During the day on National No Smoking Day the Union building will be entirely non-smoking, in the evening one area will be available in the Main Union building 5 YEARS AGO. for smokers. So if you've ever wondered what an entirely smoke free Students' Union would be like join us on Wednesday. There will be entertainment during the evening, Left and Right wonder whether if so come down enjoy the smoke free beer promotion from 7-9pm. Anyone caught you're an agnostic dyslexic insom- smoking may well be subject to an on the spot "fme", by one of the ^G Smoke niac, do you keep waking up at night Detectors - so be warned! wondering whether there's a dog!

Sponsored Quit, it's not too late The Hall Restaurant was given £200,000 for a refit. If you want to take the opportunity of raising money for RAG and to enjoy a smoke free day on National No Smoking Day, then collect a sponsorship form on Friday or Personal-"Sven- he weed and Monday from any Sabbatical Officer or RAG. If people manage to raise a sufficient learned!" amount of money there may even be prizes: so come on join in the sponsored quit! Opinion Poll 10 YEARS AGO. Sunderland Polytechnics Students During the course of No Smoking Day, I will hopefully be conducting an opinion poll, Union was accused of racism when it so that the Union Club Management can gauge student opinion for any future smoking banned a Jewish Society which car- policy, if you are interested in helping with this contact me on ext. 9228 or pop in and ried out "Zionist" activity. see me. Heather Stych The Socialist Society held a Miners Vice-President Welfare 8c Education Benefit Disco. Personal-" Steve(of the tight trouser COMIC RELIEF RED NOSE DAY and gangbang famc)brush up on your WEDNESDAY 15TH MARCH 1995 French or you may find yourself la- ying more than you bargained for!" 2.30 p.m. start from the Campusport Centre Tracy Griffiths Wear your noses (they change colour this year!) and join us in a campus perimeter perambulation! You don't have to run, or be fit, we just want you to take part, either individually or form a team and do something zany. One year the students dr^ed up as characters from ^'Through the Looking Glass".

Security have kindly agreed to close the perimeter road for half an hour so you don't get run over! Get your entry and sponsorship forms from the Campusport Centre, PIZZA+ Students Union and ID Reps and help us to raise loads of money. The cash you raise for Comic Relief pays for hundreds of brilliant projects making a difference to some NOW OPEN FROM of the poorest people both in Africa and the UK. Be a sport and get your kit on for Comic Relief! 5PM WEEKDAY Refreshments of a non-alcoholic variety will be available at the Varsity Centre at the EVENINGS end of your perambulation! Fill in an entry form and return it to us at the Campusport Centre, together with £1.00 per runner/vfalker/pusher, by Tuesday 14th March at 1.00 p.m. serving Jacket And don't forget to pick up a sponsor form and 'persuade' your friends to part with Potatoes and all their money - it is the end of term! Fillings. For any further information, call us at the Campusport Centre on Extn. 9201

Entries to be received by Nth March at 1.00p.m. at the Campusport Centre Chancellors will Sponsorship forms available from Campusport Centre, Students Union & ID Reps however, be no longer Entry Form on Page 19 providing an evening food service. 3rd March 1995 3 Cheesy Quavers GMay don't take drugs. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't it will. British Gas, a couple of yeairs back, introduced a free engage in any hazardous activities like skydiving, confidential connstWin^ service to its employees. Those worried potholing, bungee jumping or mountain climbing. I don't by stress of workload or stress of threatened impending redun- Idrive recklessly in my car. I am not undergoing any dancy, marital problems, etc., were encouraged to avail them- counselling therapy or seeking advice at any Employee selves of this service. Same sort of service that the New York Assistance Programme. I am not overweight. I am not City Police Department has in operation — theirs is called an underweight. Employee Assistance Program. There's loads of companies in the states who have EAP's. All confidential services. A recent Just in case you're wondering what the f**k I'm on about, I'm investigation into why 10 policemen who had recently com- just preparing my resume for future employers. Assuming that mitted suicide didn 't use the service revealed that all service I'm one of the 95% of Surrey graduates who ends up with a job providers are required by law to file detailed reports. As these (and assuming its not just working in Dixons) then I need to are stored on computer you don't have to be an anarcho-terrorist make sure that I'm squeaky-clean for my bosses. hacker to access them; clever guardians of public and employee morality can do it just as easily — and they wear suits. A Wall You see, the Americans have invented Little Brother, Big Bro- Street Journal article last year alleged that workers who sue ther's nascent sidekick. Big Brother can follow you through employers for age, race or sex discrimination are quite likely to shopping centres and cities via closed-circuit tv, can track your have their EAP confidential records used against them in court. movements and consumption patterns by looking where, how It's tempting for employers to brand workers who disagree or and when you use your credit cards, can bug your phone, bug talk back to management as suffering from some psychiatric your house and globally track you by following your credit malady. cards' electronic signals via satellite (backed up with infra-red satellite tracking of your body heat). Fair enough. Can't turn back the white-hot progress of technology. But Little Brother is 'Capital' is free to roam the globe, whereas 'labour' isn't; what exemplary at what can best be described as 'Thought Policing'. 'drives' big American companies is likely to find its way across Accusing a university lecturer's latest book of racism is a sure the pond to 'drive' companies here. If state-side employees are way of ensuring that no other universities put it on their reading discriminated against because of their out-of-hours lifestyles, if lists, thus denying the writer needed funds. Similarly, US com- state-side employees are treated as pieces of equipment owned panies have taicen to demanding that their employees indulge in by the companies rather than as individuals, if state-side em- no extra-curricula activities that may endanger their health. So ployees are treated like children, then economic politics will not only do you have to be the model employee during 8-6, but ensure that sooner or later such practices will arrive here. You an evening's entertainment down the pub, or a weekend spent might say that what you get up to after work is, unless it directly on a rights demo, is enough for them to question your continued affects your job performance, none of your employer's goddamn employment with them. For example — if you don't believe me business. But the thousands of other people seeking a job, your — Ford Meter Box Co. of Indiana fired a clerk whose urine tests job, will agree to anything to get it. And Little Brother will have found traces of nicotine. Several thousand companies reportedly won. refuse to hire smokers. Others tax their workers should they Example — a small plane (ATR-72 turboprop) crashed last persist in indulging in 'dangerous activities'. Witness Texas October in icy weather in Midwest America, killing 68. The Instruments — they charge their workers $10 a month if they National Transportation Safety Board recommended all similar smoke or chew tobacco. Witness U-Haul — they charge their planes be grounded until the crash could be properly investi- workers $5 per week if they either smoke or are overweight. gated. The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) rejected this They're lucky, Fortunoff hit their smoking workers for $12.50 but warned all Air Traffic Controls that this plane should not be per week. What peeves one worker at Texas Instruments is that kept waiting in a holding pattern. One airline, who owns loads he has to pay a ten spot, yet co-workers who jump out of of ATRs, ordered all pilots to fly in all weathers. Some pilots aeroplanes or race cars on weekends suffer no penalties at all. didn't agree with this and three refused to take off in bad conditions one day. All three were asked to seek counselling at the BAP. They must have a screw loose to question mana- All throughout the US, companies are looking to reduce their gement's wisdom, eh?. P&L costs, which means that employee healAcare provisions Me? I don't drink, I don't smoke... (usually extremely expensive) get cut or massaged. If you are Eau reservoir likely to cost the company money because of ill health you are a fiscal risk; if a company can find anyway of getting rid of you. Lee Hopkins Frank Morton 1995 - Loughborough. For those students who have never heard of Frank Morton, it is the Chemical Engineers excuse for getting together with thousands of other Chemical Engineers from all over the country for a day of sport and drinking. Sam Monday morning saw 80 sleepy students board coaches destined for Loughborough. Upon arrival the sports rep made last minute changes to the schedule to accommodate changes to the events and the extra people we acquired that morning.

Most of the events when finally under way went smoothly with Surrey participating with great spirit (and beer). The ladies rugby team put up a brave effort facing LARGER opposition. We had some success with the soccer team reaching the semi-finals where a tense match against Birmingham, decided on sudden death penalties saw them go out. Everybody gave their best, doing particularly well in the bar sports ending the day with an overwhelming win against Leeds in the darts final.

After sampling all the town had to offer (not much) we returned to the union for the evening event. Their large union building gave everyone a good view of the band on stage. This Queen cover group provided a couple of hours of brilliant entertainment which was followed by a lively disco.We danced into the night but nobody complained when we were finally called to leave. Exhausted we staggered to our coaches which arrived back in Surrey at Sam, leaving us time for a couple of hours sleep before lectures.

Angie &; Neil.Chemical Engineer 4 Bare Facts University of Surrey Scout & Guide Club SPEND VACATIONS AKA G.A.S.U.S. CONSTRUCTIVELY: Carry on Roman.... DOING COURSEWORK? The "toga to be true" Rally Don't you just look forward to the onset of the summer vacation: a riday aftemoon 7 members of the crawl, tandem cycling and a few other time when coursework Scout & Guide Club made their great activities too! deadlines cease to exist? Note way down to a wet muddy that the word I use is "vacation". Now Fcampsite in Bath for a fun fllled In the evening, there was a Toga' barn Lancaster University has come up with weekend of activities, games and dance Bath University campus. This fea- the idea of an optional "Summer entertainment, hosted by BaSì university tured a fancy dress competition (Roman University" scheme, in which students Scout and Guide club. theme) and the traditional termly 'boat can continue with their course through the race' - can't remember who won, but it summer months and thus reduce the We arrived at the campsite, pitched our wasn' t Surrey. We danced the night away new tents (for the first time) and went in concentration of work throughout the rest (with lots of different dance partners) and of the year. search of some liquid refreshment for the were finally taken back to rest of the weekend. ( - the the campsite some time Now, before you slate this idea as just nearest off-license!) after midnight, where the another way of trying to get students to drinking and merriment do more work, just consider a few of the The entertainment started continued around the advantages this scheme offers. at 9pm with party games campfire.... in a big marquee and then The idea behind it is that mature students, j a campfire at about 11:30 Sunday morning was an- by which time, most of or those with families, often struggle to other early start. Breakfast strike a balance between work and other the other university clubs at Sam and the SSAGO had arrived. commitments. Studying throughout the (Student Scout and Guide summer can therefore help to ease the Organisation) AGM at pressures of work a little. The organiser [There are 30 active 9:30. These were fol- of the scheme refers to it as "a chance to Scout and Guide clubs at lowed at 1 lam by a circuit of 15 minute slay the dinosaur degree system - getting universities all over the country and 32 fun team activities: Chariot race - build ahead by using the summer!" independent members, at other univer- the chariot first! Suspend the whole team sities, who have not started their own Im ft^omth e ground - given 6 x 9ft poles clubs • yet.] I can see the sense in it. Although I look and rope. Eat 3 cream crackers, whistle a forward to the summer vacation, I inevit- given tune and the rest of the team has to ably end up bored and spending too much Saturday morning program started very guess the tune. Water balloon hockey. money. )À^ere I live there are very few early; Sign up sheets for activities were Tug of war. Nursery rhyme chant - out summer jobs available, (unless you don't put out at 7:15!!, and breakfast was at chant die opposing team with as many mind picking cucumbers in the local 7:30!! All of the activities, food and en- different Nursery rhymes as possible. ^eenhouses), so spending the time get- tertainment's costs were included in the ting part of my degree out of the way total for the weekend - only £16 per The weekend came to a close at 2pm with would make sense. After all, by spread- person! (Excellent value for a whole ing out the work load this would allow weekend). the presentation of prizes for the wide game and team activities at the closing more time each week for socialising! ceremony. E-mail addresses were However, I'm not blind to the down side By 9:30, everybody was on their way to swapped and goodbyes said. Tents were of such an idea. Constantly working to Bath to take part in a large scale 'wide taken down and all of our equipment was meet coursework deadlines can become game'. (For the un-initiated: A wide packed in to the 2 cars and we returned somewhat stressful, and so the long sum- game is a game played over a wide area!) home. mer break is usually very welcome, to The theme of the Rally was 'Roman' and say the least. And, in not being able to everybody had been placed in to teams We had a great time at the Rally, despite get a vacation job, I think I am probably with 'Roman* type names such as 'Aca- in a minority. I expect that most students demics', 'Tax Collectors', 'Gods', the freezing cold weather, the sun was shining for most of the time! welcome the opportunity to engage in a 'Slaves', 'Centurions' and 'Gladiators' little debt-reversal ! etc. Each team had to wander around Bath city centre and find 'activity bases'. Rallies occur every term and are hosted by different universities each time. Hie So, should Surrey University introduce a Summer Rally will be at Portsmouth, On arrival at the bases, we were given similar scheme? With the introduction Autumn at Leeds, next Spring at Exeter, of semesterisation this would be the ideal small tasks to perform. These ranged and Summer '96 is here in Guildford. from: Translating Latin words, to perfor- time to introduce any other changes to ming a scene from 'Julius Caesar', com- the course structures. Some departments pleting the ancient maze next to the river This is one of the many fun filled acti- already make use of the vacation time, Avon, blindfolded! Making a model of a vities that the University Scout and such as LIS, where work placements take Greek or Roman God out of plasticine in Guide Club gets up to during the year. If place over the summer. Students in this 2 minutes. In all, there were 12 bases (we you are interested in finding out what department may occasionally moan only made it to 6 - Burger King stop!!) else we do, there is a programme on our about a lack of decent breaks, but they notice board (next to the juke box up- chose to take that particular course, and stairs) and in our pigeon hole (a few away so ultimately working through the sum- After lunch, we were taken to the activity from the RAG pigeon hole). mer is their own choice. Shouldn't the sites that we had signed up for earlier in rest of us be at least given the choice of the morning. The activities were varied: If you would like more information about continuing with our courses through the Caving, Wookey Hole visit, craft stall, The Scout and Guide Club, then please vacations? visit to the Exploratorium at Bristol, pub contact us through our pigeon hole, or phone Simon on 01483 38205. Sue Norman 3rd March 1995 5 Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than God Bargain Beer 1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer. whis weeks club committee meeting announced the fact *thai the Union will now be offering CHEAP BEER. 2. Beer doesn't teil you how to have sex. Alright, it is not cheap beer but it is cheaper! As from - Monday, the main union will be offering Ruddles and 3. Beer has never caused a major war. I Coors at the amazing price of £1 per pint. The catch is that this will oiily be between the hours of 7 'tili 9 pm Monday to Thursday. 4. They don't force beer on minors who can't The piroduct lines at the bar will also be increased with the think for themselves. introdiuction of Stella at the same price as Kronenbourg and Labatts Ice priced competitively with Posters Ice. 5. When you have a beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. For Ci-der lovers the bar will be selling Symonds 1727 for £1 a 6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, bottle. It will be the strongest cider available in the union, at 8.3% hanged, tortured over his brand of beer. 7. You don't bave to wait 2000+ years for a If your thirst for drink has not been tempted by the above offers second beer. the Union club will soon be running promotions on spirits too, offering a spirit and a shot or mixer at another ridiculously low 8. There are laws saying beer labels can't lie to price. More détails to follow. you. Unfortunately it was announced that due lo the Union losing one 9. You can prove you have a beer. of thie Chefs in Chancellors, the food service after 5pm will be suspended this week. From Monday, PI2ZA+ will open at 5pm to 10. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are provide food into the evening. The Committee think this is a better groups to help you stop. deal for the students. They also accept the fact that to eat Pizza every day is not a staple diet and therefore are looking to add other product lines such as baked potatoes to the Menu. Remember that Ten Reasons Why God's even though the Food service in Chancellors will be closed from 5prn, you can phone upstairs for a Pizza and have it delivered Better Than Beer!?! straight to your table. This seems to me to be a stränge comparison to The other point to mentions about Chancellors is the introduction make when you can easily have and enjoy both, of another BEER. Yes, another one! McEwans 70, 80 and 90 but anyway: shilling is now available so there is little need to suffer Festive 1. God refreshes the parts Heineken can't anymore. reach! National No Smoking day is approaching next week and therefore 2. God can help you do things you couldn't, beer die Club Committee have decided that certain areas of the Union just makes you do things you wouldn't. will be designated No Smoking. Chancellors will be no smoking ali day while the main union will be smoke free during the day 3. You can enjoy as much of God as you want and have a small area by the servery available for smoking in the without chundering. evening.

4. God turned water into wine - we just turn it The final matter discussed was the Entertainments policy for the back to water. Union. It has been decided that there will now be more evenings in the week where a DJ or other entertainments are available in 5. Spend time with God and you may well find the Union. The idea is that Union staff, students and anyone else yourself won over; Drink too much beer and will be able to go onto the stage and play music or run drinking you may well find yourself hungover. games/other activities as you wish.

6. God can help you get what you desire, beer Regarding the Entertainments for the third term, the majority of simply helps us desire whatever we can get! these were announced at the meeting. The main highlight for the term must be the Free Fest in week five. Due to this entertainments 7. God can teil us how we got bere, beer makes will be kept to a minimum in weeks four and six. However there US forget where we've been/ how we got home will be a Hoedown in weeks 2,7 and 9; a comedy night featuring last night/ what bis/her name was. the best of the comedy acts plus a disco on Friday of week 3; and the end of year disco on Friday of week 10. 8. A night on the beers tends to dent your wallet; A relationship with God would be very costly, Dont forget, if you have any comments about the way the Union but now it's free because Jesus, so to speak is run, come to the Club Committee meeting, lìiis is the place to "bought the round". vent your anger or express your concern about issues affecting the Union opérations. The next Club Committe meeting is on Wed- 9. God is ongoing and can work through you - nesday of week 10 at 2pm. beer disappears rather fast and just goes straight through you. One final note, détails of the planned Union extension are curren- tly being finalised so watch this column for détails early next term

Jeff Blackham 6 Bare Facts Dear Editor, Dear Editor Dear Editor Okay, I've had enough of this. I was concerned to read Mr Pye's letter With regard to the article "Cheesy I've been keeping up to date on last week about the service received at Quavers", I do not think "Islamic Fun- recent events within the AVS. AVS have a policy of helpfulness damenalists sentenced to death a four- university and read Bare Facts and cooperati! 3n for ALL our customers. teen year old boy in the country Ghandhi weekly, but I've had enough: The great maj ority are satisfied, but ex- wanted to build up". ceptionally th'sre are problems. The author is requested to get his / her Enough of sabbaticals trying to facts straight and not offend overseas tempt people into union posts Mr Pye's job would normally have been students. with slogans like "what else are printed on ouir larger machine. However you going to write on your as a result of am oversight it had to be run An offended student. C.V." I mean, come on, is on the walk- up machine, resulting in there no other reason why a some delay, f or which we apologise. Lee Hopkins responds: person would want to take up a position, or is the job so crap I apologise to any students offended be- Some comm ents are inaccurate about cause I got the country wrong — can you that this is the only way of AVS prices. There had not been a price "selling" it. Also, if I'm asked tell that I got an F for Geography at rise in the tw o and a half years during school? I offer my sincere apologies to in an interview why I didn't get which AVS hiive been doing copying for involved in the union I'll tell any Indians offended by last week's geo- students. Rec^ently suppliers have in- graphical error. I trust that they share my them it's too cliche, unopen to creased paper prices by 40%. We have change and dying. Simple as that! horror at the events that have unfolded now been forced to pass on some of this in Pakistan. Enough of Antonia Bayliss's column. increase, but m>t by 70% as Mr Pye men- She threw down a challenge to Mr tioned. AVS btîat all the competition for "Cheesy Quavers" several issues ago. So value for money. As an example, 50 far the articles she has had printed are copies cost £2..50 on white or coloured crap, at least Mr Hopkins' column is paper at AVS. The same number at the Dear Editor topical and interesting. Library and the Students Union will cost Three weeks ago I raised a question con- Enough of this "political correcmess" £3.05 and £2.55 respectively and in each cerning the union discos and the lack of and columns on "women's lib." This is case you will have to operate the ma- attendance at such events. The point I just some bunch of intellectuals trying to chines yourself and pay for any unusable was making , when comparing Surrey to categorise and overturn centuries of sex- copies. If you take your work down town Sussexwas purely that of the success ual evolution - who needs it. Men don't to PDC, 50 copie« will cost £5.28 and at with heavy competition in which Surrey need to set up a "Men's Officer" because Top Print £5.88, and coloured paper is fails. However die union disco aspect is men don't need these groups to bitch extra. a small part of a big picture which may because men can take it! involve the use of the dreaded "A" word. We always listen to any suggestions that Many nay most have noticed the poor As regards NUS defiliation: well, well, might improve our service. We look for- attendance of not only the social events well, what next. We should not part with ward to welcoming you to AVS and help- but important issues such as demonstra- the NUS. Why? Well, I would argue ing you with your final year reports. tions against the CJB and grant cuts and that maybe we are not the only university how many people can say they really care that are pissed off with NUS, why does- Kevin Shaughnessy what goes on at the G.M There is ob- n't the communications officer make Head of AVS viously something amissand it doesn't some enquiries with other universities just apply to Surrey, the increasing"lack and go to the conference and nominate a Dear Editor of participation" is showing itself across person sympathetic to the cause. Also, if On a busy Friday, the Union building the country in universities and colleges we disaffiliate we can no longer call our- holds over 1100 people. Over the last alike. Surely the NUS have noticed and selves a students' union, maybe a student month or so, the evacuation procedures should try and help out the institutions representative body yes, union no! We have been exercised on several occasions which fund it?! But on the smaller scale would also not need the post of com- - thankfully only false alarms. it is the job of the sabs to seek out the munications officer. roots of the problem (a little bit of market research) and not only try and sort them Also, has anybody thought of what I have noticed, however, that since the out but to take the union and inprove would happen if we were not part of the new alarm system was installed last term, it.Granted its asking a lot but aren't these NUS and Senate tried to push through the updating of signs and notices appears things you should look for in a candi- this Wednesday aftemoon crack what to have been overlooked. There are loca- date?. I know there are many like me who would we do? Assemble your 50 or 60 tions around the building where alarms would hate to see the union go down the diehards and do what? We would have used to be situated and bold signs still plughole but its all to easy to notice that no national support. Also in issue 837 advertise "Fire Alarm". To your average things aren't on the up. Mr. Renshaw's column highlights why punter who probably hasn't a clue where we should deaffiliate, but people in glass- the alarms are, this false information houses ... I also ask myself this: is this could add valuable time to the evacuation Jon Tripp just a political gamble by Ms Sharon "I procedure. want my half colours" Baker in the hope of getting elected to the post of president. Add to this the fact that a sign outside the Dorìt forget to If so she is no better than the NUS com- Union on Stag Hill still shows the Fire mittee. I have never in my 4 years here Assembly point as being down the hill, heard or read views on getting colours. when it is in fact outside the Hall Restaur- RECYCLE So will the editor have the neck to print ant and we have a potentially confusing this it remains to be seen. system. I hope my letter will bring some quick results - unlike the response we Bare Facts Fabian Savage. have had in replacing the ancient and bins in the; inadequate safety/emergency lighting P.S. Compliments to Cheesy Quavers, over the stage and dance floor. Union and all Steve French, and Phil for entertaining court rcceptme. columns. Derek Roweli 3rd March 1995 7 Bare Facts Union House University of Surrey Guildford Surrey GU2 5XH Tel: (01483)259275 Fax: (01483)34749 Email: [email protected]

The deadline for submissions is Noon on the Tuesday preceding publication. All submissions must have a name and Union card number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. Toilets Smashed Up... he Union witnessed a gratuitous act of violence last Thursday night (the 23rd) when the urinals in the male toilets in the lower bar were savagely attacked. The damage included the U-bend being kicked of one of the urinals and the Tpanel next to it was smashed. The grill on the extractor fan was also punched through. This all occured during the Liberty disco held in the Lower Bar that evening. If anyone has any information regarding this incident, they should contact the TUNE- President.

Information and Editorial Helpline service eing the bringer of bad news is never an easy job. Many a front cover of Bare Facts seems to cany doom and gloom for the student population. But on the other hand, if all the misery achei ves something, then it's worth it. So 8pm - 8am remember to lock those doors, folks. I once had a tub of Chocolate Chip Ice BCream stolen. Gutted, I was! Cried for days, (well, maybe..). Phone ext. 4949 The question of what the media's responsibility is, is a complex one. We all know what Between Wey and sells newspapers (give you a clue: the Sun sells a lot more tiian the Times), but the Sun isn't the establishment view of what a real newspaper should be. Now, Bare Facts Wandle in Surrey Court could never come close to offering the news service the Times does - only having one paid member of staff doesn't help - but should we still try and inform you of everything we can? Some subjects, whilst informative, are deadly boring. When you consider that a great deal of people pick up BF and instantly turn to the Personals, is a news service Mature Students what you want. Some Universities around the country only publish a monthly maga- Association zine. At present, the constitution of the Union states we must bring out a Bare Facts every week. We could change that in the forthcoming re-write of the constitution. Make G'day the BF staffs lives easier. Just a quickie (as the bishop...) Tickets for So what am I trying to say? Perhaps that it's sometimes difficult to know what your the Week 10 Bash with the PCs go on audience really want. I could ask you, but would you tell me? Go on, be positive. Help, sale as you read this. See David Smithee shape your surroundings. "Getting Involved" is getting very worn as a phrase, and it's or Laurence Winch for tickets. We have meaning is indistinct. I'll tell you what it means: not sitting around letting the world exclusivity on tickets until Monday 13th, pass you by. Think of something you'd really like to do, and to steal what is probably after which the great unwashed will be a trademark, Just Do It. able to snap them up as well. Live music, cocktails (oh my aching head again!), Jonathan Bemiett dancing courtesy of the gentle soul that is Communications Offìcer funkmeister Alan D. Roy until 2am. Look for posters around campus to remind you STOP PRESS: Jackie has asked me to tell you that Rugby 3rds, Football 4ths, and about it. Should be a little bottler! Badmintons 2nds have all qualified for the national Semi-finals of the BUSA Plate competition. Well done to all of them. Match repots next week. Your Committee 8 Bare Facts ALBUM REVIEWS ALBUM OF THE WEEK but then people shut up when they realised that they actually enjoyed it. TRICKY:Maxinquaye (4th & Two Fingers My Friends is the ultimate remix album, weighing Broadway) in at just over IV2 bloody hours it features everyone whose ever Following on from the success stories that are remixed ever. The Poppies may have made one of the best dance Massive Attacic and Portishead, Tricky is the latest albums around at the moment, because nothing is missed out, jewel in Bristol's shimmering crown. Here we see you name The Poppies have a song remixed into that style, him making an album that suçasses anything that the namely because of the artists they have used, industriai versions aforementioned two have quite achieved. ITie current of 'Auslander' and 'Kick 2 Kill'. Youth completely overtums hype about 'trip-hop' will now be blown out of any the usuai guitar packed 'Everythings Cool' to a mellow, trippy, sensible proportion when people hear this ground- ambient dub tune with Clint's rasping vocals reduced to a breaking album. Tricky would be a hip hop artiste if stutter. The techno versions of'Underbelly' and'Fatman' leave he hadn't employed an ángel to sing his raps, because you reeling in sheer wonder, but at times it reaches the ridicu- her voice transforms the whole concept of the album, lous with 4 différent versions of 'Cape Connection' and Trans- when Tricky does occasionally venture into voice global Underground ruining several songs. The Poppies have mode it's easy to see his influences. Tricky has done not made a cash in on their last album, it' s a completely différent the unexpected in covering 'Black Steel' the Public album ali together and it's quite good really and is nestling Enemy classic turning it into a guitar fuelled master- somewhere between Arfur and Evil Edna, or if you prefer piece, which leaves no similarities to the originai. He then boring way of marking. samples The Smashing Pumpkins on a track called (ironically?) 'Pumpkin' and leaves a funny taste in MASSIVE ATTACK v MAD PROFES- your mouth after 'Ponderosa' and 'Aftermath'. Bach song gives you something unexpected, you really SORINO Protection (Wild Bunch) don't know what's happening next. What is it with bands today that make ali of them want to release a remix album, whose next Take That, Green Day?? However, Lyrically it's a pretty negative album, with songs a 'No Protection' is yer average type remix album for a start ali plenty about paranoia, tension and sexual frustration, the songs have been given new names like 'Eternai Feedback' but the wonderfiil feeling you get every time Maxine and 'Moving Dub' and with the new names comes a new sound opens her mouth is so good that it makes goose- which leaves hardly any U"ace of Massive Attack's originai. bumps appear ali the way up your arm and down onto your back. If you think 'Blue Lines' is the best album On several occasions you are left trying to yank yourself down ever made, this will just about change your mind, the from the ceiling after floating up there with the cool breeze that album of the year contest is over already, you won't this record omits. 'Eternai Feedback' is the song that you die to hear better. Mooog at the very least. be played in chili out rooms after a particularly energetic night clubbing, the heavy basslines, the trippy dope paced drums, all POP WILL EAT ITSELF:Two Fingers leave you wondering how it's all possible. 'No Protection' is the Mad Professor way of seeing just how many différent noises My Friends (Infectious) and styles can be forced out of a machine, it's a fine album to Total remix frenzy by The Poppies which has provoked the sort wake up to on a Sunday morning, just try to forget that it's a of response that The Cure got when they released 'Mixed Up' Massive Attack album because they have. Just like you forget that Arfur is a caterpillar.

SINGLES REVIEWS SINGLE OF THE WEEK ANGEL CAGErBoxtrimmer E.P (Org) LUSCIOUS JACKSON:Deep Shag Debut single from this London five piece, who were signed on the strength of two gigs, the lead track 'Princess Die' sees lead (Grand Royal) singer Jean trying to recreate riot grrrl ali over again, and not A new single from the band that have been dubbed the female doing a bad job really. The music sounds like something out of Beastie Boys, mainly because their drummer used lo be in them, the now dying New Wave Of New Wave movement, but with but anyway, Luscious Jackson play sort of lazy, bluesy hip hop a distinctly heavier feel to it. Bands who are signed on the merit with guitars and drums. 'Deep Shag' teils a story of er... deep of a few gigs normally aren't worth bothering about, (I mean shagging really, what ever that is. can anybody really say their are looking forward to Menswears debut single) but Angel Cage look as good as the hype is suggesting, but I am Actually thinking about it Luscious Jackson sound bugger all like the Beastie Boys, there's no shouting and wailing and going to be nasty THE MARKING SCHEME heavy guitars it's all very slow and mellow. and dock marks for reminding me of 5 Mooog 'Deep Shag is backed with another track from their album, 'City Angel Cake, which 4 - Arfur Song' which is on a similar tip, a raucous groove with hip hop I hope you will un- 3 - Evil Edna basslines and a more dubby feeling to it, Luscious Jackson have derstand. So it's 2 - Carwash received praise for their past efforts particularly their 'In search Evil Edna and her 1 - Wiì '0' Wisp of Manny' album, this single should continue this trend, with magic ariel instead that they've also earnt themselves an Arfur. of Arfur and his Anything Else is Mavis Cruet orange eyebrows. 3rd March 1995 9 MUSIC NEWS

A WARDS, 4 AWARDS ! God , is our music that they will not play any festivals this year, so expect to see really that bad - that Blur can 'storm' the Brits and walk them at all three. off with bucketfuls of prizes; apparently so. Let's get things straight, Blur are not Britain's best band, 'Parklife' Phoenix have approached Suede and (cue vivacious cheering, 4was not the best album released last year, it certainly wasn't the whooping and throwing of roses) Blur both of whom are con- best single or video. Is 'Parklife' really the bible for the youth sidering Sie offer. of today? Is Phil "old bloke" Daniels really Those tragically young the coolest bloke on ruffians Menswear fi- the planet? I think not. nally release their debut Do we really need to single I'll Manage idoHse 4 blokes who Somehow' on March 6th, grew up in fucking and are planning a nation- Colchester? wide 30 date tour to coin- cide with it. So rush along Anyway, the Glaston- to that, you never know, bury Festival nears and you might meet Sham- the line-up nears com- poo. pletion, the main stage has confirmed it's COMPETITION headline acts and now TIME the NME stage has started putting together In the second of an occa- it's bill. sional series, Musicma- nia again has copious amounts of freebies to Confirmations include just bung at anyone who The Prodigy, Belly, wants them, this week we Sleeper, Supergrass have signed Senseless and Shampoo on the Things goodies to give Friday. GsJliano, Off- away. Just answer this spring, Urge Overkill simple question:- and Weezer on Satur- day, and Elastica, Gcl- die, Gene (Oh Good veggie burger time) and Veruca Salt. More WHO SUPPORTED to be confirmed later on. THE SENSELESS THINGS ON SUNDAY?

The Isle Of Wight Festival has been cancelled because it wasn't Easy as picking your nose, eh? Scrawl your answers in green granted a licence, which is a kick in the teeth for Oasis and (cue crayon only on the back of a Newcastle Brown Ale label and ceremonial fanfare) Blur who had said they will play. The pop in the BF box before noon on March 7th. (Independence festival was penned in for the same weekend as Reading who Day in Gambia, probably) have already begun naming their top acts, namely Smashing Steve French Pumpkins, Oasis and Soundgarden. llie Beastie Boys have said Video Review Live SMASHING PUMPKINS:Vieuphoria Senser; Skunk Ananise ;Kaosphere legal bootleg which shows insight into the weird and wonderful world of the Smashing Pumpkins, this video The Kentish Town Forum has exclusive live tracks, including their memorable Word performance and the acoustic version of The first thing that I must say is that the kentish town forum is A crap, among other things there are severe viewing restrictions 'Mayonnaise' which was on Naked City. The video unveils several disturbing aspects of the band, like their very weird (the only way to see senser tonight is be in it). sense of humour, which involves memebers of the band dressing Kaosphere are a late addition to the bill and as such I know up. The weirdest scene sees bassist D'Arcy holding a tea party nothing about them. The only thing that I could get from their set with the rest of the band cunningly disguised as teddy bears. is that Üiey are a heavy version of Blur but nowhere near as good. Anyway, die live tracks are of top quality and you get all the Whoever manages the Surrey bar next year might want to give best stuff from 'Siamese Dream' and 'Gish', particularly 'I am them look. Skunk ananise have been in the spotlight recently with one' which highlights just how insane Billy Corgan really is. their appearance in the Brat awards country. Their music is a lot heavier than koasphere and more focused. They give a great 'Vieuphoria' is the ultimate bootleg which will please fans and performance with the crowd really getting into them. The lower non fans alike, oh don't invite granny round to watch because bar would probably be destroyed by their visit should they come the language does touch the offensive (to grannies that is) but it here. is an excellent video. Senser are a band that had built a cult following before their album, but it was their debut album, "stacked up" that made them Steve French really famous. They start off with "states of mind" and never really stop, they play a lot of new stuff which is much heavier. Francesco Fraulo 10 Bare Facts THINGS ARE LOOKING UP Senseless Things/AC Acoustics/Minxus - Union Lounge he queue shumes nervously, as it nudges past Union Hill's Coke Machines, as a bloke with nine earrings asks me to sign him into the Union, I decline as I have two guests with me already, he sighs and moves on to the next person who declines with a smile. Every Pop Kid is here, even tíie ones in Guildford Court, to witness what is threatening to be a good night Tout in the Union, a bill that is at last something to write home to Mum about, and they are shouting "Yippee".but not straight away, Minxus come on about 10 minutes late after the doors finally swing open causing crowds of people to rush headlong for the bar and the best spots on the dancefloor. They are not everybody's cup of tea but play a nice set of indie rock to a crowd that would impress a rock club disco(ie about 10). I'm informed that they are better on vinyl but tonight they are sounding crap, bonus points must however go to the singer whose boots were tres kinky. But it's not the sort of thing that makes you want to mug your granny or move from the bar for that matter. If Minxus are crap then AC Acoustics must be the dogs bollocks, well they are after all the dodgy technological problems that no doubt had nothing to with Stage Crew, despite the singer shouting "Crew you're shit" at them AC Acoustics form an enduring contrast playing a set of Teenage Fanclub style guitar music with Jim Reid or vocals, the aforementioned vocalist looked pissed off, but not with Crew but the fact that their only dancer seems to think they are Thunder but nevermind. AC Acoustics are cool and certainly entertained an expectant crowd.

Which leaves the Senseless Things, who would be Leslie Grantham if they were an actor, funny, sexy (so I'm told), undeniably talented but criminally ignored nowadays. Who bring scores of funny haired ruffians to the Union (bloody students get everywhere don't they) who from song one go full out to injure each other, and generally have lots of fun.

Hie songs come thick and fast, mainly from their new album."Dead Sun" and "Page 3 Valentine" are delivered fast and furiously before the last single"Something To Miss" which sent the crowd into push and shove firenzy. It wasn't all new stuff though "Keepsafe" reminded us of their T.O.T.P. days followed by the bands finest moment "Homophobic Asshole" which sounds as great as ever, they came back to do my particular favourite "Too Much Kissing" which left people crying for more, and then it was all over, die kids put away their shorts and t-shirts for another year and go to bed happy. Cheers. Mark Saunders

CHEAPER BEER We Know Monday to Thursday Someone 7 p.m. - 9 p.m. Who LOVES Main Union !YOU!

Want to know more? Grill a Christian Library Restaurant 7:30 Friday Week 8 Ruddles ALSO Anonymous questions may be placed in the Anonymous Question Box in the &\ per pint union foyer

!ALL QUESTIONS WELCOME! 1

Itali know yon want to! Wednesday 8th Marijh SMOKE FREE ZONE IN THE STUDENTS' UNION Watch out for the RAG Smoke Detectors!

Info Stufi in tfie Union Zpm-2pm affweefi

Raiae money for charity qidt for: qnfO fìVfìILfìbLf ti DfìT on mcw òTti Nottonal No totoking Day Wed.8th March Hd Smoking Dag

Collect your sponsorship form o SUPPOPT QPOUPS from any Unbn Sabbatical o QUITTinO AIDS It's Time to Stop! TheFacts Every ycar in che UK, about 11,000 pe<^le die before cheir time from smoking relattd disease: thac is one every fîve minutes, about the dme it takes to smoke a cigaiette.(HEA 1991) It is esdmated that a 35 year old woman who smokes can expect to live ftve years less than a non-smoker whlle a 35 year old male smoker can expect to live MMMj«Bf3 tes;(HEA 1991) Smokers lose on average more than every week.(HEA 1991) Similar proportions of women and men in Great Britain smoke cigarettes da^ 28% and 29% respectively.(OPGS 1994) The GovtnimeH^s strattef for health in England sûtes that the percentage of adults smoking should be reduced to no more than 20% by the year 2000. (HMSO1992) Owm éuvyjûrdeaths is due to smoking. (HEA1991) Smoking-related diseases kill 431,000 people in the EC every year on current figures. (WHO 1991)This is expttUdto rise to 570,000 per annum by 1995. Out of every thousand people who start smoking when they are teenagers and continue to smoke 20 cigarettes or more a day, one will be murdered, six will die in road accidents and about 250 uiiUbgkiUêdb^retit^iimeby smoking. (Peto R. 1980) Bdo^do stop smokUig - approximately 12 million adults or 26% of the population are ex-smokers. (OPGS1994)

Smoking and the What ffie indufitrg has to say! Environment m 1tft4on'r«iioicBrii«rt'",iMfi0rMnmWstQBMtfasK^ Gigaiette smo^_£{mcaii • mokimolQB^Jha fbrthtyo«ig,tfia^,tft yovi^ tfia faut, Hwm tedeUad c«ndthft ar^the! chi^ the gases yiâracfd, RJR aneulba qaatad h fha SuMtag Thntt. "greenhousevFect"= ide and mfiibine. 'AnythB^ c«n ba COMMOMÌI baHiM that wiïili MM i* fMrtnM IF goa 01 too inueh of ir." ates^out and5.vM I PtitaM(Iiitowl—i i • 14wi*t ihWc mong ^oo^ oto «M'ttfto'" «<«ieo.) Tbog'ro Mf ooHng tfiotimieh " V Dr H Woloinon oF PMUIp Moni«, molurt of Moftora .ciK^rrccymade

npdem cigaïenfe^anu^ictur- inffmachine uses 4 miles of paper Passive Smoking In 1993, 84% of people (72% of smokers) agreed chat there should Women and Smoking be smoki^ restricdons in restaur- ants. 47% of people (24% of Cigarette smoking amongst woi on the decrease. In 1972, 41% of mokers) agreed that the{&.should women over 16 were daily cigare^ »kers, whilst in 1992 that figure had ¡trierions in pubs. ^ follen to 28%. (OPCS 1994) Tûb:^ft^moke con In 1950, women smokers smo only ilf as many cigarettes per day as s^hi^ofeià^icals. men. Now, they smoke almost c samej^mber. A woman smoker smokes cludeT^ ben^bQe, benzd on average 97 cigarettes a wee ÎQfG»4) carbon iW^oxid^ Lung cancer has overtaken b: cancap the leading cancer death among methlynito ^ women in many areas of Britain. n 95^ fewer than 3,000 women died of hyde, hydroge.. , lung cancer in Britain. By 1992, c num| cr killed by the disease had risen acrolein. Some of to almost 12,500. (OPCS 1993) marked irritant properti It has been found that cigarette s Mig, s associated with cervical cancer. some 60 are known or suspected (HEA 1991) carcinogens - cancer-causing sub- stances. Smoking combined with the us £ >ntraceptives increases the risk of having a heart attack and/or a st dmes that of a woman who neither • In 1988 the Independent Scien- ukes the pill or smokes (Royal :neral Practitioncrs 1981) tific Committee on Smoking • stated that about 300 of the40,000 Miscarriages are increase in pBknantl lokers by more than one quarter lung cancer deaths in the UKeach (approx. équivalent to 43000 n^arrial T year in England and Wales). year are due to passive smoking. (Royal College of Physicians 1992) (ISCSH 1988)

Wednesday 8th March: No Smoking Day WEEK ENDING FRIDAY lOTH MARCH 1995 Friday 3rd Saturday 4th HOEDOWN PHat Vibes presene The Friday Night Out THE GROOVETUBE' 8-2am Students' Union FLinkv fl3voLirs £1 entry on the door featuring REDIMEK UPSTAIRS: Alan D. Roy DOWNSTAIRS: Phil Robinson, Roger & LOWER B>VR ^-Zsàm Jamìe Nowell (HOUSE ROOM) £2 on tHe door Sunday 5th Monday óth FREE BAIVI DS Economics & Sociology Funkabubbfe & Headnoìse 'AD 17' SHOW starts 9.00pm. 8pm L.OWER B>\R

OFU Film - OFU film - 'Strìking Distance' 'Strikìng Distance' LTG 5pm, 8pm LTG 8pm

Tuesday 7th Wednesday 8th Private Party Cyprus Society 8pm LOWER BAR 8-11pmL0WERBAR

Thursday Vth Friday 1 Oth RAG l-MV\X/>Miy\IM RARTY RUGBY CLUB 8-2am A/IAIIM 1-OtJISIGE £3 in advatnce 9-2am LOWER B/VR fì-om Union foyer weekcJays COdCT/MU 8-1 1 .30pnn LOW^ER B/VR fcstt -XHE JOOKS' TIcRets £2.50 from "n-adlng Desk FORTHCOMING EVENTS Marth 11th UOS Club presents Marth Madness March I7th End of term Disco with ü LEWIS A

Breakfast Toasties (£1.50) OS

Bacon & Tornato Sausage & Tornato ** Cheese, Tornato & Onion Regalar Toasties (£2.00)

Mozzarella, Tornato & Bacon Mozzarella & Bacon Mozzerella & Sausage Stilton Mushroom Cheese, Tornato & Onion Cheese & Branston Pickle

standard English Breakfast £1.00 mediiini lari m f Doublé English Breakfast £1.95

PeylU 8ieo«, Si«ii§e, Bissi i £3; Free Delivery ali week 8 p.m. - Midnight The Big Breakfast £1.95 Baco«, SiMaja, Beans, E^j, Tsmats E SastI Aiso available:

t Monday to FHday 8.30 a.aL to 10 JOPHON ajD. E EXTENSION 3444 It's Urne to Stop! Clannabis annabis is also known as marijua^ pot, gra^, hash, blow, draw and black (amongst others). It is the most widely used illegal drug in this country and Safer Dandng many people argue that it should be legalised. leúial dose of cannabis is Ca 2 kilo block dropped on your head from the 2Sth floor of a high rise building. everal people have died iU raves However, as with all drugs, Úi^ are potential problems associated with cannabis. as a resuit of taking ecstasy - the reason fm* many of tfiese deaths Phgsical Shas been heatstroke. Ecstasy has the effect of raising your hoày The clearest physical harms are the same smoking of tobacxx). Excessive use of tempmture; if you take ecstasy in a cannabis can make people lazy and unmocivat»d. Long term heavy users can hot place and dance your body develop a severe case of "manana" (I'll do it tomorrow!) and short term memory temperature rìses even more, until it loss ("What was it I was going to do tomorrow?"). The usual warnings about may reach the point that you develop intoxication apply and driving under the influence of cannabis is not a good idea. heatstroke. Psydnk^cd You lose fluid when your body over> heats. This could be pints if you are The clearest psychological harms are done to people who are prone to depression dancing at a hot rave, up to 6 pints in and anxiety: use too much too often and you could develop paranoia. 6 hours. You must replace these fluids and should be drinking about None of these harms are imversiàk: stop smoking cannabis and the harms art removed.a pin t of water every hour. Give your body a rest at the same cime and a Sodd chance to cool down - use the chili Social problems may arise if others And out that you use cannabis. This is out areas. Alcohol is useless with E especially true of parents, who may not differentiate between so called hard and and can be dangerous as it dehy- drates you even more. Wearing a hat soft drugs. Too much may also affect your education or employment prospects if also keeps heat in, making your body you become lethargic as a result. even hotter. Le&d What are the waming The biggest problem is that of being caught by the police. A criminal record can signs? ruin career prospects overnight. TTic vast majority of people on drugs chafes in British jails are diere because of cannabis.

What do you do? • Stop dancing • Get a pint of water • Chill Out immediately What if 8om<

Ecstasy: an Insight • Gall an ambul a cool place f you are one of those regular clubbers, it is likely that at some point you will be Hth cold water and offered or indeed take ecstasy. That is not to say that ecstasy is only available on the club scene but this is where taking the dnig is probably the most dangerous. by fonning them The biggest problem with buying E*s at a club is that you are likely to buy it from Whe^ the ¿mbulance arrìves teli I themV^Mt the person has been a stranger, who cares more about his profit than your well being. taking^nd that you think it is In fact it is rare to fmd pure ecstasy (MDMA) and instead you are likely to receive heatstroke. a nice concoction of speed and baking powder. Traces of strychnine have also been found in ecstasy tablets which explains why so many people are sick whilst on You need to get the body tem- them. This problem of taking impure E's is what makes them dangerous. For perature down to 102P (38.90), example, in a recent govemment study, it was evident that of the 49 ecstasy related but not below this. Once this rem- deaths since 1989, only 7 of those were due to ecstasy in its pure form. perature is reached, wrap the per- son in a dry blanket. Hie rest of the deaths have been linked to other substances, such as amphe- If the person regains conscious- tamines, which are passed off as E's. Ok, you're probably thinking that 49 deaths ness, make them drink water with in 6 years is no big deal. However, there are psychological problems associated some salt in it. Then get them to widi long term ecstasy abuse. One such problem is depression, which is thought hospital. to be caused by ecstasy altering the levels of certain chemicals in our body. AH in ail, research into the e^ects of ecstasy still continue and as such the full implica- tions of long term usa^ are not known. Wednesday 8th March: No Smoking Day It's Time to Stop! Agfddeto modem living Hdp Ime Numbers How to 'do'drugs Unique^, perhaps that old Ihie "It ain't what yon do, it's the way SuTT^ Alotef that you do it" actiudly has sMne beazing when it is applied to drug and Drugs cuHiu^ Wi A drugs, ttiat is what gets results. iWnkory Service owever, thm are many peq>le who nevodieless remain confused about the 01483-579313 primary aim of drug consunqitioa, quaindy assuming it has something to do wiüi getting "high" or "out of it" or even "coiiq)letely off your foce". While these frfinises Araisdves are certainly haocfy and well wtion of you. A j^cct short cut being sem as woridly, cool and dang^us, spoilt 0181632 4975 by one slight occupational hazard: the requirement to get off your fece. Still, chill.

Now rolling joints is ok, sort of, for students and walk on the wild SÌTO social workers, but really you're not going to Samaritans impress even the most suburban of your friends by balanc- ing long-playing record sleeve on your crossed legs and 01483 505555 ibvellingterbaceous clippinp into your eig^-'skin'm»- ^Êjj^g^^v^^terworkÍ.. Whewhen it comes to cannabis, die most sensible approach is first off, not to buy it (that way it doesn't cost Nightline you anydiing and you don't hmve to meet sad types who talk endlessly of "roaches" and "bogarts" and "pukka draw"). (0483 32710 or ext. 4949 If for some reason you feel compelled to smoke a joint passed to you at a social event - and this is one drug which it is undoubtedly more cool to decline than accept - do so without comment or gesture. With luck, after a few minutes die feelings of mild nausea and paranoia will pass. Quitline Drugs that come in tablet form with initials for names are easily dealt with. Just 0171 487 3000 secredy throw them away and stand, legs slightly apart, arms horizontal and palms vertical, pushing altemate arms outwañis against imaginary springs. Everyone will think your "on one" anyway.

As a rule: Never buy drags, especially die interesting, ex- pensive ones. You only end up shanng them with other people. Leave it to your wealthy friends. Then accompany them to the lavatory. The whole point of expensive drags is furtively - yet ob- viously - to retire with you accomplice and their drags to the lavatt>ry at social gatherings (even if the ^thering con- stitutes only three people, including yourselves) thus sparking maximum curios- ity and envy among those left behind.

The biggest difficulty with drags is what to do after you've taken them. The chances are they'll be made up mosdy, or even exclusively, of laxative (no problem, you just return to the lavatory, diereby stirring you yet more ,envy) and talcum powder. Whatever diis concocrion may do for you, though, it won't get you "off your face".

You could of course, come clean and claim you've been "ripped ofT, citing ^e fiction that your regular dealer is out of town. B ut how many times can you do that.^ Better instead to affect the mannerisms and behaviour popu- lariy associated with being "totally wrecked". Walk around with an inane half- smile permanently etched on your face. Giggle conspirarorially with your accom- plice (they may find it more difficult to laugh - after all they paid for it) and remind one another as often as possible just how indisputably "out of your ^x" you are.

Finally depending on the nature of the drag you supposedly have ranning riot in your blood vessels mâee great play of rabbing your nose or scratching your arm Altonatively, yea coidd side-step die v^le charade by Ifcantetar^ earnestly informing your fHcnds that you're on a 12-8tep W^Sine CammiUEe recovery programme. Dmi't worry, no one will ask yon RAO about it They^ l>e too afiraid you mi^t tell them. Ëvei^pan who quit, W4l^ûgiy or Extract from The Gbterver Magaxme: Oct 1994 ctisnvise. on Sinirffp 5ay Wednesday 8th March: No Smoking Day 3rd March 1995 11 Doing Weli at Selection Centres 3. Presentations ^nless you're a bom actor or are totally nerveless, you're uniikely to be thrilled at the thought of giving a presentation. It V doesn't even really help to know that most of the other applicants probably feel the same way because, like it or not, the I spotlight will inevitably fall on you. It will be your clarity of expression, your time-keeping, your planning and ^^^^ organisation skills and your sense of humour that will bejudged and no-oneelse's. There are one or two things you can do, though, to reduce some of the stress and at the same time produce a more effective presentation. First of ali, you're likeiy to be told in advance what you will be required to talk about. It could be on any subject of your choice, or perhaps a leisure interest or it could be related to the job you're applying for. If you have time you can write out the whole thing beforehand but it's not a good idea to read it out word for word. Far better to write out the key points of your talk on a series of numbered index cards. As you come to each point during your talk it will remind you what to say.

Secondly, the beginning and end of your talk are the criticai points. Aim to capture the assessor's attention with something that departs from the normal 'T'd like to talk to you about ". Why not try something like "It was once said that " or "It is not commonly known that " or "A ftinny thing happened to me on my way to this assessment centreas a slightly more unusual way of introducing your subject. A powerful opening sentence is adso a great confidence booster and will help you get into stride for the rest of your talk. Your finish should be equally impressive because that will leave the examiners with a positive opinion of your performance.

Thirdly, try to practise your talk in advance if you can. Get a friend to listen and teli you how you are coming across. Work hard to get the talk into the time you've been allowed. You will probably be penalised if you don't - or you might even be cut off in mid-sentence. Highly embarrassing!

Finally, when you get around to delivering the real thing - remember to project your voice at a level that everyone can hear and try to make eye contact with each individuai in the room at some stage during your talk. That way they will feel personally involved and will be ali the more appreciative.

Russ Clark Careers Service

PS There are still a few spaces left on the Practice Aptitude Test which we are running on Wednesday, 8 March. Do pop in and book your place if you are interested.

Will you be directing your own career?

EXtn 9920 12 Bare Facts Lepidopera few hitches failed to mar the opening night of cumstances - that her American sailor husband will return... one Madam Butterfly'% revival at the ENO. The fine day. performance 1 ti matel y swept me into a mood In Act Two, an unruly skirt of poignant emotional fastening threatened to re- tragedy. veal more than the plot called for, but this fail^ to The set is bold and dampen Ms Bullock's in- visually appealing. In creasingly empassioned Act One, poppy-red singing, and the sweetly- blooms strewn across a voiced accompaniment of rocky garden préfiguré Catherine Wyn-Rogers's the bloodshed of the Suzuki. Bonaventura Bot- opera's closing tone was in superb voice as moments; imaginative Pinkerton, but the show use is made too of the was Stolen by the youngster jet-black backdrop and playing Butterfly's son, strong white lighting to who coped admirably with depict the passing of the smothering affections day and night to great of his stage-mum and the effect. various other demands The orchestra began made of him. thinly, but rapidly got into their musical stride In conclusion, a moving to produce a lovely, production which drew warm sound, most not- convincingly warm ap- ably during the long plauso from a packed night as Butterfly and house, and which will no her faithful attendant doubt continue to do so. Suzuki watch motion- less for Pinkerton's re- Further performances of turn. Puccini 's Madam Butter- fly can be seen at the Lon- An inescapable - and don Coliseum on March 3, for this reviewer, rather serious - drawback of casting 9, li, 18. 22, 24. 28, 30 and Aprii 4 and 6. ENO Box Office: Susan Bullock in the title rôle is that she is rather more 0171 632 8300. robust in stature than the "fragile thing of beauty" that is supposed to enchant Lieutenant Pinkerton. Despite this she did Julia Watts a good job of portraying a naïve young thing who refuses to grow out of conviction - no matter how straightened her cir- It's Absurd! ook your tickets quickly for the latest production from giarised lecture notes? The absurdity of the situation grò ws until SUDS (Surrey University Drama Society - the people äl is finally revealed (in more ways than one!). who brought you Charley's Aunty, it would be absurd Bno t to. Like ali Theatre of the Absurd, these plays are horrifying and grotesquely comic, and should take the audience through the Following on from their smash-hit comedy in January, SUDS whole gamut of émotions. branch out into new and even more absurd directions with An Absurd Double Bill of two one-act plays. An Absurd Double Bill will be performed in Lecture Theatre M at 8pm on Friday lOth and Saturday 11 th March. Tickets priced at only £1.50 for students will be on sale in the Union In The Two Executioners by Femando Arrabal, a bored house- foyer every lunchtime from 12-2pm, from the Senate House wife decides enough is enough and pops into town to see the Information Office ali day, executioners. Her husband has become a bit of a problem, you and on the door. see. And as for the kids - do they appreciate her? The play Please note that these becomes more and more absurd as it moves towards its inexor- plays contain certain im- ably gruesome conclusion. (This is not one for the faint- ages and scenes which are hearted!) aimed at an adult audi- ence. In Arthur Adamov's Professor Tararme, there is a rather unfor- tunate case of indecent exposure by a lake. Is this what academia Andrew Wilcock can really lead to? Does the sinister Chief Inspector have a (SUDS President) hidden politicai agenda? And have the two policemen really come ali the way from Comwall to investigate a case of pla- 3rd March 1995 13 ARTSROUND Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford Sunday 5 March: Guildford Cathedral Choir and University of Surrey Players: Te Deum and Hear my prayer, O Lord by Until 11 March: The Killing of Sister George. Frank Marcus's Purcell. (Cathedral, 11.15am); award-winning comedy. Sister George is the central character in a hugely poular radio soap. She is played by an ageing, Takacs Quartet play Haydn, Bartók and Beethoven. (PATS tweedy actress (Miriam Margolyes) who lives with an appar- Studio One, 3.30pm) ently calm woman clinging to girlhood (Serena Evans), llieir lives are thrown into disarray when the BBC threatens to write Monday 6 March: Conducting - an open seminar given by the character out of the programme... Please note that Chris David Angus, former Chorus Master and house conductor at Dunkley of Feedback is NOT involved! Box Office: 0483 Glyndeboume and alumnus of the University of Surrey. (PATS 440000. PA18, llam) New Victoria Theatre, Woking Wednesday 8 March: Lunchtime Concert (FREE): Schumann, Debussy and baroque music for trumpets (PATS Studio One, 6 - 11 March: On the Piste: John Godber's adult comedy, l.lSpm): The Meaning of Performance: Dr John Rink examines involving sex, snow and skiing. Box Office: 0483 761144. Liszt's Vallée(s) d'Obermann. (PATS PA18, Bpm);

Thorndike Theatre, Leatherhead The Language of Love: MZT Dance Company present an enter- Until 18 March: Dead Guilty - a brand new thriller from taining masque of song and dance from Purcell's England. Richard Harris. Julia, a high-flyer, is left in deep shock and (PATS Studio One, 8pm (plus workshop, same venue, 3pm)); housebound after an horrific car accident. While recuperating, sinister events begin to occur around her, leading her to question Arts Cinema: Shadowlaruis: CS Lewis biopic starring Anthony whether there is anyone she can trust. Are these happenings real, Hopkins and Debra Winger (LTG, 8pm). Tickets (£2) must be or simply the imaginings of a traumatised crash victim? Box bought in advance from the Union Trading Desk. Tickets will Office: 0372 377677 NOT be sold on the door). ON CAMPUS Thursday 9 March: Sounds for Silents: John Lenehan and Kathryn Page synchronise piano accompaniment with on-screen Friday 3 March: GUILDFORD *95 INTERNATIONAL action for a selection of classic silent films. (PATS Studio One, MUSIC FESTIVAL begins with a recital by Joanna MacGre- 8pm) gor. One of the country's most exciting young pianists plays Messiaen's Vingt Regards sur l'Enfant Jésus at 8pm in PATS Friday 10 and Saturday 11 March: SUDS presentan Absurd Studio One. Double Bill - two absurdist dramas for an adult audience. Tickets (only £1.50 for students) are on sale in the Union, lunchtimes, Saturday 4 March: Guildford Philharmonic Orchestra & in the Senate Information Office all day, and on the door. Choir, Goldsmiths' Choral Union, Guildford Cathedral Choir, Nikolai Demidenko (piano) and William Kendall (tenor) join Please note that full details of GUILDFORD '95 can be forces under the baton of Brian Wright to perform Verdi's and found in the special brochure, available everywhere! **• Berlioz's Te Deums, and Scriabin's Prometheus • Poem of Fire. The performance will be complemented by breathtakingly inno- Listings compiled by Andrew Wilcock, vative special lighting effects. (Cathedral, 7.30 pm) Arts Editor . RAG TIME . ^ft' ectcftcfi^ o^ % COCKTAILS

¿H' t^ s^MACft F.OO- ff.30fr.Ht.. Foaturing n

Don't miss this veiisatile loca! band makinjg tfaeir Cocklaìls début Tickets ^2.S0 from t¥Traiin§ Desk TE Sinmt ^n^eàd, futeode n!!\ ROCKABILLY COCKTAIL TIME 14 Bare Facts - Unmissable *•** - Uninterruptable. *** - Unspectacular ** - Uninteresting * -Unwatchable The Mask (PG) ** 97 mins, Starring Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Peter Riegert, Peter Greene. Dir. Charles Russell. Nerdy bank-clerk Stanley Ipkiss (Carrey) sees a drowning man and swims to the rescue, only to fmd that the drownee is actually just a pile of rubbish with a green mask in it (which also is a fairly accurate description of this movie). Ipkiss takes the mask home, and when he puts it on he is transformed into a mischievous green-faced maniac wearing a suit so garish it could strip paint. I found the film slow and pointless with joke-throttling Jerry-Lewis-alike Jim Carrey playing second fiddle to the special effects, which although visually impressive are not particularly inspired as they are simply aping old Chuck Jones cartoon gags, and Droopy had a much better gag-per-minute rate. On the plus side though, the sets, lighting, costumes and general look and feel are reasonably well done, and Carrey does have a cute dog. North (PG) **** 83 mins, Starring Elijah Wood, Bruce Willis, Jason Alexander, Jussie Smollet. Dir. Rob Reiner. It's not often you come across a film that simply defies an explanation, but North is just such a hotch-potch of characters, situations, plots and themes, that I guarantee that the first words that will come to mind when the video has finished are "What the *uck???". Ostensibly it's about a kid (played by Forever Young's Elijah Wood) who decides that, despite his perfection, his parents don't appreciate him, and so with support ft^omBruc e Willis (in several guises - most memorably a pink rabbit suit) embarks on a mission to find a new set of folks. This involves a mad dash around the world, to Alaska, Texas, France, Africa, Hawaii, and anywhere else Rob Reiner could come up with stereotypical images for. Part comedy (with lots of movie jokes), part satire, part chase movie, part fantasy - I've probably missed a few - North is a very strange mixture, which often fails to hang together and is occasionally a wee bit disturbing, but it has some great moments, some clever pastiches (with some familiar faces) and a lot of surprises. Enjoy the ride. Karl.

GREAT Shiny OFU. f I were to give you two shiny new pound coins, what would PERFORMANCE, you do with them? You'd buy a ticket to see Striking Distance, that's what - and further more you'd think it a Ibargain because nowhere in this whole world except LTG LOUSY AUDIENCE... at 5pm, 8pm Sunday or 5pm Monday could you see Bruce Willis as the action hero we know him to be; After snitching on his uildford Cathedral was the venue for an impressive partner and insisting that a serial killer is a cop rather than the performance of an epic musical work, Elgar's tramp who has been arrested, our Bruce is not one to be left "Dream of Gerontius", given by the University of spectating when the action starts. (Tickets can also be reserved Surrey Symphony Orchestra and Choir plus guests. for £2.50 with the House Officer upto one hour before the G showing.) The three soloists: Jennifer Higgins (mezzo), Richard Braebrook (tenor), and John Noble (bass), (all professionals in the musical field) provided powerful interpretations of this piece, adeptly Shadowlands is the all together more sedate Arts Cinema film supported by the students (assisted by the Banstead Musical and this Wednesday (8pm LTG - £2 from trading desk, £2.25 if Guildford Choral Societies). reserved) telling the story of C.S.Lewis's (Anthony Hopkins) romance with Joy Gresham (Debra Winger). The author. Pro- fessor, and Christian's correspondence with the American The firet half of the performance was impressive and, according writer tumed to a deep love, stolen away by cancer soon after to one senior lecturer, it was the best performance the university their marriage. Turn up early and you can get a cup of coffee orchestra has ever given. Just a shame that they couldn't keep and a bourbon biscuit. Or maybe a digestive. it up through the second half, when there were some decidedly dodgy (although well-recovered) moments. All Slings considered, a good performance. Just a pity about the And whilst you're audience! captivated, OFU are always on the look out for enthusiastic Playing to a full house is ali very well - when the house is actually individuals to help awake! At one proint, 20-30% of the audience appeared to have run the society and nodded off! And those who were awake seemed more absorbed plan for next term by the programme notes than the actual music. Fortunately, one and next year - we certain fortissimo chord near the end of the work, involving meet at 6pm in LTH decidedly enthusiastic brass and percussion sections, ensured on Tuesdays. that most of the audience was awake and attentive by the time the concert ended! Andy

Sue Norman/Sophie Rocks. 3rd March 1995 21 ODEON, EPSOM ROAD Enquiries/Credit Card bookings : Guildford 578017. Advance Box Office open Ipm - 7pm. Student Discount available Mon-Thurs before 7pm (with NUS or ISIC card only). Friday 3 March for Seven Days

Screen 1 : NATURAL BORN Screen 3 : PRET A KILLERS (18) PORTER (18) Oliver Stone's confused, surreal and morally vacuous tale of This skit on the fashion business got a right rollicking two drug-crazed serial killers who are feted as heros on a tacky from the crits when it was released in the States, which prime-time shock show called "American Maniacs". Stone is was a little surprising given that most of the media undoubtedly a superlative film maker, witness "Salvador", "Pla- hailed Robert Altman as a forgotten genius as a result toon" and "Bom On The Fourth Of July". But where the great of his work on "The Player" and "Short Cuts". Fickle directors would get the audience to do Uie thinking through the lot, these joumos. Anyway, somebody described it the skilful use subtlety and pathos, Stone employs self-righteous- other day as a "Carry On Down The Catwalk" which ness of the sledgehammer variety to tell us what is wrong with could only be enjoyed those with an intimate knowl- society. As a result the film is crude if strangely hypnotic; edge of the world of supermodels, top-flight designers unapproachable instead of stimulating. Oh and there's the and their posey hangers-on. As h's a Robert Altman violence - at least 52 graphic deaths. Peanuts compared with featuring a megastellar cast (Kim Basinger, Sophia the 240 or so dead bodies in "Die Hard 11", but then again that Loren, Jean Paul Gaultier (??)), its got to be more wasn't meant to be taken seriously. This one expects us to do interesting than that. just that. Daily at 1.45 5.00 8.00 Fri/Mon-Thurs 2.15 5.40 8.30 Sat/Sun 5.40 8.30 Screen 4 : THE ANDRE (U) SHAWSHAN K Fun and fi-olics with Andre the sea lion just for the little 'uns. The big 'uns will be hiding in the bogs hoping to sneak into REDEMPTION (15) "NBK" later on. Without doubt one of the films of the year so far, and a deserved contender for Oscar glory. Tim Robbins Sat/Sun at 1.10 & 3.20 plays a middle class banker who is incarcerated for life for a murder he didn't commit. Banged up in Shawshank Prison, he forms an unlikely friendship with the prison's chief fixer and becomes a firm favourite with the guards when he Screen 2 : STAR TREK - helps them fill out their tax returns. When the warden gets to hear of this, Robbins becomes a linchpin in a scam designed to GENERATIONS (PG) make money out of prison labour. Based on a (non-horror) story by Stephen King, this is a film about survival and the power of Essentially a vehicle designed to introduce us to the new movie redemption even in the worst of circumstances. Both Robbins crew, headed by a very bald Yorkshireman by the name of and Morgan Freeman as the fixer are excellent and although the Patrick Stewart (aka that very nice Captain Picard, as your film is long, it is not in the slightest bit irritating and demon- Auntie might call him). The fat one with the Axminster hairdo strates clearly that length doesn't matter when you 've got a good (Captain James Tiberius Kirk) joins Picard to deal with yet story in the hands of a good film maker (in this case Frank another megalomaniac bent on taking over the Universe. Kirk's Darabont). ultimate fate is, well, one of the worst kept secrets in cinema history. In short, this is Nirvana for Trekkies, boredom for just about everyone else: only slightly unfairly. Many A Bore has Daily at 1.50 5.05 8.10 called this "Star Trek -Desperations". Phil 'n' Phil

Fri/Mon-Thurs 1.40 6.05 8.45 Sat/Sun 6.05 8.45

RUDYARD KIPLING'S THE '^m ^ A JUNGLE BOOK (PG) The bare necessities just get a look in, but there are no cuddly cartoon bears in this one. Jason Scott Lee gets down to his loincloth and the rest of the cast look as if they're rehearsing for "The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles". It's fun most of the way.

Sat & Sun at 1.30 3.50 16 Bare Facts

Ä YEA tho we may walk A David: Surprise! Betyou weren'tex- A WOMEN DON'T DANCE LIKE through the valley of dark- pecting to hear from me like this. I CRAB MAN! ness we shall fear no evil, for miss you so much. Je t'aime. Vicky xx we are the evilest bastards in A Bob, heb je nog een noorderlijke the valley !-Mechie A Apron man no.2, seen flashing in Uni stroming gezien de laatste tijd? Court! A There were 3 in the bed, and A Beware: summer term is approaching Adam's little one said "No A Stroopfaffel: You haven't lost your when ali mechies are set free! thanks, l'm pissed"!! touch, that's for sure. Cani have some more please? Lots of love, your little A Neil. Niel,Niel,Niel.WUlI EVER get A Adam...how many women Hooflefafìel xxx a ? Green eyed girl. do you need in bed to get it going, or is it only Andersen A Mr Sheen, requesting female to polish A Salamander feet -1 do not want to snog that can really satisfy your head. Any inquiries? him! (but his mate is nice!) - HWJB sexual desires? A To Jo. Thanks for ALL your présents, A Liz - maybe it was the cat eating the A YVONNE & LIZ. Appar- lov Matt. deer, and it was still hungry. ently I really pissed you off on friday night. l'm sorry. A MIRRY Have a GREAT BIRTH- A Ice Baby, want to come over and play? love Ice Queen. Adam. DAY,loads of love, Paul, your Care Bear xxx A To Miranda have a good A Happy (belated) birthday Jason - It's 20th birthday on Satunlay, A Really!!! Smithee. not how old you are it's how old you feel. (Old Bloke!) love Nessa+Lee. A George (boume 2) - where have you A Torben - Bike for sale - £50. been? Love Jimmy L. A Simon S, Simon H, Greg, Are your Visas accepted. Ahhh! ! ! own sex lives so boring that my bum is A Agatha - yes it does usually come out a source of interest?-A A Can you manage double like water! ! Missed you friday, Chris- figures in one weekend? I know some- tie. A A-Sorry, but you will have to try har- one who can! der to get a personal in next time. (and A Lisa - forget "Naturai Bom Killers", speli my name right) - J A CHARLOTTE - Put him down for you and I are Naturai Bom Lovere. goodness sake - you'11 only eam your- A Happy Birthday Stephen - love L. xxx A Towhomitmayconcem:rmnothung self the "joinedatthehip" prize!-Giles' A RASPBERRY RIPPLE, NAY. mum. like a black man, they're far too small - Adam. CIDER-FLAVOUR, MIRIAM? A Sexy Mechie - love the new haircut: A Harper: if only we were both single - your mother did know best! A Paul, House 14, Rugby player eh? Can I practice my tackles on you? S. now that would be a night to remem- A POSTMANPATHAS ASIGNOSE! ber! A The rumours are true, Pete Vaughan is A Blackhead, let's go tarting, Purple staying for another year. Damned A S: They're just more affectionate to Head. shame!! G.M. everyone... H.

A SPB-Hove you! SVW! A JON, Will you take me to the MAX. A Caroline (A.K.A. Nigel), I can't wait Nicolina. until you move to the chase. I will no A Lisa - can I show you my weapon? longer be alone. Adieu! Edith Piaf A Ah weil Rob, won the Last Man Alive A You wouldn't have thought that so award for the 2nd time. A Who the DEVIL are you? From little jelly could cause such Paranoia! Daren. A Chicken Man - Still hungry? A There'snothingllikemorethanMole- A SA - Thank YOU, and for dinner, and cular Biology & Genetics - Excuse me A Roger, as soon as I get bob mark II TU for an ace weekend. 2 weeks!! - with while I pop to the toilet!! come and see you then you won't have love from me x. to walk miles home on your own...in A Red Shirt, when can we exchange gar- the rain. Love Jane xxx A 8.3.95/ Party of the century/ 7pm. ments? From the girl in the Red union/free gifts. Don't miss it. Jacket. A Foggi - Swimming team HUG!! xx A Suz: Chewbaka says: Raarhhh. 3P0 A MIRRY PANDA have the best birth- A Robert Louis Stevenson was in the says: R2 R2 realy R2. Indeed... day ever, and an even better year, lots toilets on Friday night 'cos Matt P. of love Nessa x says so. A Wouter, vind jij jezelf leuker van de zijkant in het nederlands? A NIELS-Happy Birthday for last Tues- A Dave - Next time you wash your hair, day. I hope your day was full of joy - why not try shampoo - it does wonders A LOUISE-or should that be'MILES& or at least beer and plenty of curry!!- compared to shaving foam and cream. MILES' was that your sister in cindies Cerian (who else!) Love the three cream-bandits! on monday night???? - AN AD- MIRER" A My hand and jumper are now on sale. A Rob - Gemma wants you to phone her. But it won't make you dance like crab A LOUISE - you don't know me but i man. A House 65 and ail friends - a big cheers was there too - AN ADMERER" from me for the many books and sym- A GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARN- pathy during my tonsillitis-type mar- A Clara - love ya - M" ING: Fibrogel does NOT work on the tyrdom recently. Love from V. Banana bandits - Sorry Fiona and Jo! 3rd March 1995 17

A What is it that makes a compiete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby ?? Maybe we'll never know !!!!!! CAMPUS A I guess we were ali guilty, in a way. We ali shot him, we ali skinned him, and we ali got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." PLAYSCHEME A I had to stop driving my car for a while.. the tires got dizzy....

A How are we this week Granny Smith, from Golden Delicious. requires playleaders to care for children aged 5-11 years. Experience welcome but not essential as A Lardy sweet anyone?? training given. Half-term scheme, week 6, 30tí May - 2nd June. Playleaders work morning / after A Aiyson, fancy some Nachos?????, BF noon slots subject to their timetables. Pay: £3.0( per hour currentiy. Summer scheme, July/August A Miaow, Gina rabbit slayer, what is this ali about? e '95. Minimum guaranteed 5 sessions & 2 lunch- times per week. A Does anyone in Friary 15-28 suffer from constipation??? If interested in being a playleader, please give your A Javin. Keep your fílthy paws off my silky drawers!! Love, you ñame and tel. no. to Liz Thompson, Welfare Of- know who. XXX fice, Students' Union, exto.926l A 2. R.F.N: McDonalds at 10:30pm sound good to you? ...LXXX A JAMES: No need to thank me. For you, any time, any place, anywhere! love Mandy XXXXX Female 2nd & A FLABBY ARSE: Yes, l'm talking to you! Keep your hands off my unsensitive bits! XXXXXXX 3rd Year A Aiyson, spot the catchphrases. Keep them coming. A It's a bit sweaty Betty. Students A It's shit innit. required A Under the Bed, In the bath. In the cupboard under the stairs: Where will you thinkof next!??!" for Birth Control Research A B&F, Who'd have thought that this game of hide and seek Discussion. would have kept you amused for so long The discussion will be led by an experienced moderator from A Mark and Brett - keep trying... Directions (Research and Marketing) Ltd. The discussion will take place in Famham on Tuesday 7th March 1995 at 6pm. A A The question is: Will Gerald EVBR come and mend the toilet - Taxi will be provided if necessary. let'shope so!!! A You know when youve been pobsmileoed! Anyone attending gets £15

A Louise, give us a smile. XXX Pob. If you are interested the phone Gail Whattingham A r ve finally decided to ask, is there an Emma Morton anywhere on (0252) 723635. out there in the first year? If so, from an old friend, AJ. PARACHUTE CLUB: BOAT CLUB AGM, Monday week 10, 6pm, in the Nelson Mandella Room. There are stili a few places left on the First Time, DRAMA SOCIETY AGM, Monday 13th March, Jump Course. Anyone wishing to throwj 7pm, in the Teaching Block. theirself out of a perfectly good aeroplane should corne along to the first training session: o; GOLF CLUB AGM, Monday 13th March, 6pm, in TB22 at 6.15pm on Monday 6th March with a Chancellors'. 55 cheque (this includes ail training and your SURREY STINGERS' end of season bash, Wednes- first jump). N.B. this is half the normal price and day 8th March. Meet in Union at 6.30pm for 7pm. your last chance this year! There will be eating, drinking and partying, so bring lots of money. Check pigeon hole for détails. Everyone is invited. Bare Facts Editorial Board AFRICAN-CARIBBEAN SOCIETY AGM Tuesday Meetings every Monday and week 10, TB20, 6:30pm. Thursday at 7pm in tfie THE RUSSIAN SOCIETY AGM and Elections will Communications Office take place on Thursday 16th March at Ipm in the LIS coffee room. 18 Bare Facts BUSA Comptetion - What's happened so far ? he Piate competition is organised by BUSA (British Basketball (m) Universities Sports Association) for teams which were knocked out in the main BUSA competition first block Fencing (m) Tfixtures or in the first round play-offs. The piate competition is different from the main competition in terms of Netball 2nds the fact that ali of our teams do not play the same oppostion on the same day. The piate is organised competely on a draw Rugby Ist XV system and as such every team is playing a completely different Opposition, some of the teams playing at home, but unluckily for Rugby 3rd XV US most of the teams play away. Congratulations to you ali ! ! ! The 8th of Febrauary saw the start of the piate competition and from the 21 teams who competed on Surrey's behalf 15 of them The divsional semi-finals arrived on Wednesday 22nd Fe- qualified for the 2nd round. A special mention must be made bruary, obviously as each of our teams got fiirther and further for the endre Hockey Club, who for the first time this year had in the competition the standard of the Opposition got higher and ali round success at home with both the Men's teams and the higher. At the end of this day the resuits were as follows: Ladies team winning convincingly. I feel that this success must be attributed to the new AH Weather Pitch which has no doubt Football Ist XI lost to Portsmouth aided the club in their training, and which has attracted suppor- ters at the Varsity Centre to watch them play, hopefiilly next Football 3rd XI lost to Essex year their success will be greater. Football 4th XI beat Sussex The 2nd round of the piate was played on the 15th of Febru^ oh this day 9 out of the 15 teams qualified. The men's fencing Badminton 2nd got a bye from Portsmouth team set off early to go down to Sussex, unfortunately thier was a slight overlook on the part of Sussex, they had booked the Basketball (m) lost to Hertfordshire sports hall, they had sent us details but they didn't seem to teli their own team of the fixture. So having travelled ali the way Fencing (m) lost to Essex down there and having hung around for a few hours Surrey's men fencing team headed back home wiih a bye. Netball 2nd lost to W.S.I

The Rugby Ist XV had an even more interesting 2nd round Rugby Ist XV lost to Canterbury and Christchurch against Greenwich University, or rather they didn't. The Ist team were due to play away to Greenwich on the 15th, but due Rugby 3rd XV beat Essex to weather conditions it was rained off. Having spent the remainder of the week trying to rearrange the fixture and failing, Congratulations to ali of these clubs for getting so far in the BUSA informed us both that the fixture would have to be played competition and especially to the Rugby 3rd XV, Football 4th before the 22nd or else they would have to come up wiüi a XI and the Badminton men's 2nds for qualifing through to the suitable solution. Weil, if you cali tossing a coin on Üie after- divisonal finals. These teams will be playing on the Ist March, noon of the 21 st a suitable solution then I suppose that they did. forgive US if the Rugby club and I believe that the whole point but unfortunately we will not be able to get the resuits through of BUSA sport is the actual competition. To top the whole thing to Bare Facts in time for this article so there will be full match off, they didn't inform us of the toss, but just of the result, which reports next week. The fixtures are as follows: was that Greenwich had won and were to go through to the next round. Knowing that there was no way that the fixture could Rugby 3rd XV away to University of East Anglia be played before the next day and surprisingly enough not being happy with being knocked out by the toss of a coin which we Football 4th XI away to Essex University couldn't even see, Rohan and I began the campaign of com- plaints to BUSA. They eventually decided to get both sides of Badminton 2nd away to Essex University the story as to why the match hadn't actually been played, and at 5.30pm the day before the next round a statement came Good luck to ali those conceraed! through that the decision had been overtumed and that Surrey had qualified ! ! ! That was definitely the hardest game without As concems the main BUSA competition, congratulations to even being played that Surrey have won this year. the Womens Fencing and Badminton teams for getting as far as the quarter-finals. Unfortunately they were beaten by Bristol Nevermind, the 15th did tum out to be quite successful for and Cardiff respectively. Surrey in the piate as 9 out the 15 teams who played in that day qualified for the divisionai semi-finals. These teams were: Congratulations also to the Mens Indoor Hockey who competed remarkably well this weekend in the BUSA toumament. Football IstXI The Ladies Indoor Hockey will take place at Campusport on Football 3rd XI Sunday 5th march at I2.00pm. Ali supporters are most wel- come! Football 4th XI

Badminton 2nds 3rd March 1995 19 SPONSORED GUILDFORD STEP FLAMES WORKOUT opefully by now you will have seen the posters around Ice Hockey Club campus and will be aware of the three 40 minute step Hworkouts which are to take place on Wednesday 8th March (week 9).

COMPETITION!!! The money is being raised for Starlight Foundation which is a registered This weelc we again have some tickets to give away for the next Guildford charity that grants wishes for seriously Rames match against the Lee Valley Lions. ill children. The three events are sche- duled for 2.00- 2.40pm, 2.55- 3.35pm To enter just write the answer, your Name and Union Number on a scrap of and 3.50-4.30pm. paper and shove it in the Bare Facts box by Noon on Tuesday.

If you would like to p^icipate please Question: Name three of the Guildford collect a sponsor form from Campus- Flames players port reception and sign up for the time slot you wish to take part in. Once you If you don't win ands would like some more information on how have a sponsor form please try to col- to obtain tickets for the matches then phone the Flames Hotline lect as many sponsors as possible. on (0891) 800 689 Hiank you to Joanna Payne for helping Calls cost 39 p /min cheap rate and 49p at other times. to arrange this and for taking the classes and thanks ^so to John the Manager of Campusport for all your help. Campusport Campusport m supports COMIIC RELIEF

FUN RUN Wednesday ISCh Manch 1S>9S^ a€ S.50 p.m.

ENTRY FORM

ÖETANOSE! ENTRY MADE BV: ..._ SET INVOLVEP! DEPARTMENT: - EXTN: ADDRESS ON CAMPUS:

WEDNESDAY 15TH MARCH Entry for: (please tick is appropriate) 1. Individual ..—.

FUN RUN at 2.30 p.ni. 2. Team

from the Campusport Centre TEAM NAME: (2UM, leßp, pAWce OQ. f'uBtì Youe I'CAM MEMBERS:

[A/AV AßouMP rue peejt^eres. 1) Fß.EFEI2A6I.Y D(I£E>EEV IM FAWCV D(ZEEE^ 2) OfZ 6uirA6i.v cßA^y c£.oniiW(5 - AWD 3) fZAiee LOPve OF homsy FOS. (zev uoee'.}

SPo/ Signed:

Please cnclose £1.00 per ninncr/walkcr Entri« to be recelvcd by I41h March al 1,00 p.m. ai the Campusport Centre

Sponsonhip rormi «valUble from Campusport Ccntrc, Studcnls Union & ID Reps Bare Facts STOP PRESS Rubgy HI are through to the National Quarter Finals, after beating East Anglia 8:6.

Indoor Hockey - Mens The play off, was won by Royal Holloway or rather that New Sunday 26th March Zealander taking ali the flicks - What was Reading's goalie ast Sunday Surrey played host to this régions Indoor thinking? Hockey toumament. Planning had begun ages ago - Strange for any hockey fixture, but typically on the day But at the end of the day the boys done good, sweated loads, Lchaos reigned. Cheers Kingston for turning up 2 hrs late and really proved themselves to be a talented bunch - which - just after we'd spent ages revising the schedule due to the they're not often given credit for. Good work fellas! absence of UCL and UCHMS (Who are they any way? ! ! !) and thanks to West London for teing snotty and arrogant and This Sunday sees the Ladies Indoor Hockey tournament, it will complaining about the Hall. There really wasn't much we could take place in Campusport and will start at about 12.30pm and do to move the walls ! ! ! ! ! last until about 4.30pm. So if you are interested in watching Eventually it was decided that everyone would play everyone some indoor hockey, or fancy supporting Surrey's ladies then else - Damn, the original groups were looking pretty well come on down, and shout as loud as you can. Hopefully we will chosen in our favour - oops I mean drawn! Surrey, resplendent ali see you there!! in new canary yellow shirts (Yuk!) were looking damn hot apart Becci Harris from Stuey's purple shell suit, Martin's socks and Nick Hoo's well Nick Hoo!

As hosts our men played first against Royal Holloway. For those of you who may not know, indoor hockey bears little resemblance to outdoor - It's bloody fast, bloody skilful and you get bloody hot - There are only 6 players ail of whom have to run around like headless chickens for 15 minutes, each game. A pity therefore that the boys had been out on the piss the night before. It was a really hard match and the boys hadn't really got Audio Visual Services going - as matchcs last only 15 minutes and Nick Padge took 14.5 minutes to focus on the bail a 2-1 loss wasn't that bad. are pìeased to he associated with and be printing for & As the other teams competed, it suddenly dawned on us that we might do quite well. Our next match v's St M^'s was Star! The University of Surrey God like Sambo once again played a stormer, with some crack- in' goals from Pete, Stu etc. Our goal différence was superb, with goaiies Dan and Mac sweating pints and not letting in any Students' Union goals. We won 6-0. Next up were Kingston who'd managed to develop a stränge relationship with the refs. There aren't many players who can use every foui in the book, slag our players off, "Bare Facts" tell the umpire to F*** off and stay on the pitch - well done Kingston - next time give Nick P. a few tips or we'll have to gag him, although he did score a peach of a goal, good on ya A^arm welcome is éxtéhded to ali University mate!. We won 2-0, again our goaiies were bloody marvellous; Students to fulfill your requirementsjn Mac, we love you!!!

Then came the crunch match. Everyone knows West London have to win to get their degrees - SORRY lads! We won 3-1. Prihtmg & Phptocopying ^ Well done Pete for pissing off their no.3 - a great mate of Jackie's!! and Ame, How the hell did that goal go in? It was a Grap^ Design - great match, loads oÎF sweat, goals and shouting. We are waiting to find out whether all West London's Indoor Hockey team 's Phptograpliy degrees have now dropped to thirds - Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Tèlevision ^ We worked out, after much stress, that ail we needed to do to aWìo win the tournament was beat Reading (unbeaten so far). Once again everyone gave their ail - with a stack of missed chances, Pròje<;tio^ S^vices a few dodgy refs décisions and some sneaky goals Reading beat iextemaì ^u^tners we/tfe""*^ us 2-1. It must be said though that we played bloody well. -'v? - I li • I > > l>v il University òfSviite>^ Telbuildfatf,Surrey: HÜ4S3) 25929, C^5XH0 Fax (01483. ) 259390^