page 2 the paper april 20, 2011

Can you find 20 Hey Kids!! things wrong with the picture on the cover???

(“It looks like a Jackson Pollock” does not count, dicks)

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Fan mail? Hate mail? “ Prison Nicknames” Write to us! Editor-in-Chief Sean “Bad Dad” Kelly the paper c/o Offi ce of Student Leadership Executive Editors and Community Development Mickie “Red Eagle” Meinhardt Fordham University Bronx, NY 10458 News Editors [email protected] Marisa“Sticky Fingers Missy” Caroll http://groups.google.com/group/fordhampaper Sarah “Jailnerd” Madges

the paper is a product solely of the students. No part of the publication may Arts Editors be reproduced without written consent of the editors. the paper is produced us- Liz “White Power Liz” O’Malley ing Adobe InDesign, Adobe Photoshop, Microsoft Word, and the incredibly hard Andrew “Silent Predator” Craig work of the people to the right. Photos are mostly “borrowed” from Internet sites like: www.google.com, www.imdb.com, www.nambla.org, www.rollingstone.com, www.cnn.com, and occasionally taken by us with an old Polaroid we found in the Earwax Editor attic. Sorry mom, subscriptions are not available. Ad rates are unreasonable – don’t Tom “The Big Sliwowski” Sliwowski ask. Open staff meetings are held Tuesdays at 8PM at various locations in the Mc- Ginley Center. Articles and letters to the editor may be submitted via e-mail to Comix Editor [email protected], or scrawled incoherently with crayons on the inside Elena “Chili Con Carnage” Lightbourn of a Keystone Light 30-rack. Submissions are always considered, usually printed, and occasionally used to make origami rhinoceroses. If you do not wish your letter R.I.P. to the editor to be published, just say so. We do not advocate wussitude; all letters must be signed. We reserve the right to edit any material submitted for publication. Sam “Hell’s Cherub” Wadhams We will, however, work with the writer and see that content is as true to the writer’s Alex “Rolly Donagan” Gibbons original as possible. We publish this rag ten times a year (fi ve per semester). Joe “Innocent Joe“ McCarthy So why not come down and write for us? We are a constantly evolving publica- Chris “Real Guilty” Sprindis tion, and have been since 1972. And we try our best to second guess mainstream Alex “Exit Only“ Orf opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, writing isn’t Nick “Cassandra” Murray for everyone. Try reading a good book like Goops and How to Be Them: A Manual Chris “ShitBrick” Gramuglia of Manners for Polite Infants, by Gelet Burgess. You might just learn something. Robert “Meth Row” Cardos

our aim Copy Staff John “Creeper in the Corner” O’Neill the paper exists as Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment, and review. We are an entirely student run publication, and have been since 1972. Adam “Snitchy Mitch” Dixon Our aim is to print compelling articles written by students in their own voice and from their own perspective. Yes, this means we allow things like cussin’, and sto- Contributors ries of substance-induced debauchery. But it also means we publish articles that ex- Jake Sanders, disposable cameras, stolen Christmas candy, An- amine issues on Fordham’s campus and in the world from a critical perspective. We gelos Kontos, not discretion, Scott Forba, Accepted Students Day are not brown-nosers, nor a newspaper of record. We are a bunch of rapscallions food, DCoke, Forever Young, ass, eagle tattoos, Stareguy, the hot who get together fi ve times a semester to put out a rag that makes people laugh, cry, dog cart at accepted students day, glitter cookies, consolation get pissed, and—we hope—makes people think. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! drinking, free red wine at the Guggenheim, onion breath, Evan Williams and Cadbury Creme Eggs april 20, 2011 the paper page 3

news "I Shouldn't Have To Invent New Foods" critical analyses of students’ Sodexo responses by Marisa Carroll call to action and, always, lim- those who participate in ‘slack- Sodexo’s health scores suggest mused, “It’s really scary that NEWS CO-EDITOR its an “activist’s” accountabil- tivist’ campaigns an illusion of a degenerative period is valid. there’s a pushpin in someone’s ity when a call to action is pro- having a meaningful impact on It is a complaint fairly directed muffi n…that’s reminiscent of The United Student Govern- vided. Malcolm Gladwell (in a the world without demanding at Sodexo reps, whose job is to something that would happen ment’s April 11 “Sodexo Town very Malcolm Gladwell-y way) anything more than joining a monitor the upkeep of Sodexo in a Saw movie.” I would like Hall” summoned complaints, wrote in the 2010 New Yorker Facebook group.” Students nei- facilities. However, Saad’s next to commend this young woman jeers, and offi cial discussion article “Small Change: Why the ther agitated actual activism nor remark, “We as students don’t and The Ram’s Brian Kraker of “sneeze guards.” Mostly, it revolution will not be tweeted.” “transformed Facebook,” as The want to fail you, the adminis- (who unironically quoted her in invoked student concerns unre- “The platforms of social media Ram and others have implied. tration, and we work out butts “Students Shower”) for invent- lated to the purpose of the event, ing and promoting the worst are built around weak ties… The groups’ catalyzing affect on off in the classroom, out of which was to clarify Fordham Saw movie of all time. Imag- weak ties seldom lead to high- both individuals and Fordham the classroom and we deserve dining facilities’ health inspec- ine the trailer: “In Saw VI, a risk activism.” was clearly limited. An “I Bet something more,” refl ect some- tion grades and explaining So- man drives spikes into his own In the case of Fordham, Face- I Can Find 1,600 Fordham Stu- thing entirely different. Here, dexo’s response to these grades. palms. Now, in Saw VII, some- book, and Sodexo, The Ram and dents Who Like Snooki More Saad—like many students on- Instead, the event and its cov- one gets an ouchy scratch in the others praised the “Demanding Than Sodexo” Facebook group line and at the Town Hall—was erage refl ect trends in student roof of her mouth (cue ominous a Refund from Fordham Hospi- might have achieved the same directing complaints regarding apathy and emphasize the racial music).” Sodexo’s Brian Poteat tality Services” Facebook group “activist” aims months before the Fordham administration at and class tensions ever-present responded that, after Sodexo because it “amassed over 1,600 the Sodexo health violations the panel, which was not com- on Fordham’s campus. sent the muffi n to a lab for in- members on its fi rst day” (The were publicized. posed of Fordham administra- vestigation, the pushpin conclu- Katherine White, the Ford- Ram, “Fordham Flocks” April This suggests a dispar- tors. Admins, including Dean sively was not baked into the ham Rose Hill sophomore who 11 2011). However, only 200 ity between students’ alledged of Students Christopher Rod- muffi n, so not a fault of Sodexo created the “Protesting Sodexo’s students came to the Sodexo “concern”—Fordham dining gers, were present—standing (again, the Caf received an A on Unsanitary Conditions” Face- its health inspection). After her book group, was the fi rst very witty cinematic allusion student to address the Town was crushed, she responded, Hall’s panel of Sodexo rep- “Yeah, but it’s still creepy… resentatives and USG ex- like a Saw movie.” Zing. ecutive members. She said, This is not to say that all “We’re told that we’re the complaints about Fordham most apathetic generation food are unimportant. Stu- and just sit around playing dents articulated major prob- ‘Call of Duty’ or reading lems with Fordham’s din- Twilight…this shows it is ing policies. Namely, these not the case.” policies are the high price of United Student Govern- meal plans (Fordham’s cost ment Executive Vice Presi- more than other New York dent Caitlin Meyer also City schools that use Sodexo) addressed the crowd, stat- and most on-campus stu- dents’ obligation to purchase ing, “This show of robust these plans. student activism leaves me However, these substan- optimistic.” In The Ram’s tive complaints lost credibil- April 11 issue’s “Fordham ity in their articulation. These Flocks to Facebook to Vent concerns were articulated at Frustrations and Coordi- the wrong source (namely, nate Student Response” and Brian Poteat & Co.) and in “Students Shower Sodexo the wrong context (at a forum with Complaints at Town about health code violations). Hall” (Way to go on that Inviting students to humiliate alliteration, The Ram), News Poteat became an ideal bait- Town Hall event, suggesting facilities’ health inspection amongst a group of fi fty stu- Editor Brian Kraker hails “stu- and-switch, distracting students that only one-eighth of the “ac- grades—and about what stu- dents in the back of O’Keefe— dent activism.” Kraker even from their problems with the ad- tivists” were personally invest- dents are actually articulating but when USG Executive Vice begins “Fordham Flocks” with ministration and granting them ed enough to answer a call to their anger. This disparity was President Caitlin Meyer asked the claim, “The Fordham com- false resolution. action. Also, very few students central to April 11’s Town Hall. them to speak, they declined to munity transformed Facebook It stifl ed these concerns’ came to the Town Hall alone. USG’s “Sodexo Town Hall” comment. from a social networking site to impact: not just in their ability Most entered O’Keefe in three- could have been an expression The tone of Saad’s complaint a forum for student activism fol- to mold Fordham policies but to-eight-person groups, sug- of the Facebook groups’ validity suggests the real problem is not lowing recent health code viola- also within the Fordham popu- gesting that it was strong, non- and, using the same logic, could health codes. Instead, the “prob- lation itself. Because students tions at four Sodexo-run facili- virtual ties—real life friends or have validated students’ power lem” is general dissatisfaction felt satisfi ed having complained ties.” Although these sentiments classmates—and not weak-ties and purpose. Spoiler alert: The with Fordham food and, as oth- in a public (yet low-risk) way have been well-received by like Facebook groups that en- exact opposite occurred. er students voiced, its cost. For and Fordham organizations like Fordham students, their implied couraged student involvement. General Manager of food instance, most complaints at the USG and The Ram have vali- self-congratulation must be ana- In fact, all 1,600 of “Demand- services Brian Poteat began the Town Hall pertained to the Caf dated these complaints as “ac- lyzed to more fully understand ing A Refund’s” students failed Town Hall by personally apolo- (or, offi cially, the Marketplace). tivism,” students feel as if they the Sodexo situation. to pursue the group’s stated call gizing for the health code viola- However, the Caf received an actually took action. This has First, we must be critical of to action—demanding a refund tions, metaphorically dropping “A” on its fi rst health inspec- cooled their momentarily heat- The Ram, Meyer, and others’ from Fordham Hospitality Ser- his pants before the crowd and tions—suggesting that any stu- ed frustrations. The economic use of “activism” to describe reality that these over-priced vices (no refunds have been inviting them to come take a dent complaints about the Caf these Facebook groups. Let’s meal plans are paid for by stu- awarded). kick. Students obliged. “These at the Town Hall were unrelated work with the loose defi nition dents’ parents’ money or intan- Instead, the Facebook re- situations of completely dis- to the situation at hand. This in- of the word “activism” as in- gible loans—which do not pro- sponse to Sodexo’s health code gusting conditions don’t oc- cludes one student’s Town Hall tentional action to bring about duce an immediate economic violations would be best de- cur overnight, it’s a buildup, complaint that there was a push- social, political, or economic motivation for students—rein- scribed as “slacktivism,” de- and that’s a failure to us,” stu- pin in a Caf muffi n (see Comix, change. Simply clicking “At- forces the students’ stagnation. scribed by Foreign Policy’s dent Julian Saad told the panel. p. 24). Obviously repeating a tending” or “Join” lacks both Now, like so many campaigns Evgeny Morozov as “feel-good While “completely disgusting line that went over so well with the personal risk and commit- in the past, the campaign to re- online activism that has zero po- conditions” is almost certainly her friends she was dying to ment that “intentional action” form Fordham food will likely litical or social impact. It gives hyperbolic, his complaint that share it with 200 strangers, she implies. It also, often, lacks a freeze. (Continued on page 5) page 4 the paper april 20, 2011 SO WE HELPED KARL ROVE BUY THAT NEW SPEEDBOAT the paper’s Editor-in-Chief goes inside Rove’s April 14 lecture by Sean Kelly minutes of generalities and stale was conspicuously absent from can side were negligible and torturers—something that one EDITOR-IN-CHIEF platitudes regarding leadership, this portion of the lecture, how- amounted to little more than would think would require an You know that thing called America’s problems and the ever, was the U.S.’s military in- awe-fi lled ass kissing in the IMMENSE amount of torture) a ‘budget’ that exists to pro- importance of networking and volvement. Not just in Iraq and presence of their monster de- was received with applause and vide money to all student clubs schmoozing in the White House Afghanistan, either; none of the ity. Seriously, it was embarrass- cheers from the audience, who and activities here at Fordham? (“We would not have had the U.S. military’s campaigns were ing. While there was potential apparently felt the same way Come on, you’ve heard of it; it Civil Rights Act of 1964 if LBJ mentioned at all, least of all in for something of substance to about a process of such ques- was probably at least mentioned hadn’t brought the right peo- the section of Rove’s speech be said, the questions instead tionable legality that it had to be once or twice in The Ram or ple into the White House and that dealt with the causes of our focused on things like, “What outsourced off of U.S. soil. something, so you’ve likely thrown his arm around them”). current defi cit. Because, you advice do you have for a young Sure, Rove’s speech was stumbled across a whisper of it Then came the meat of the know, wars are free. conservative who wants to run infl ammatory and provocative. here and there. Well, anyway, speech. Rove launched into an This convenient circumven- for offi ce someday?” (Answer: That was the point, and that’s one seventh of that (yes, one approxi- “I wish they had insurance. And if they got in an “Well fi rst why he was brought to cam- seventh of all the money that mately automobile accident, I bet they’d wish they had of all, get pus in the fi rst place. But what goes to student clubs and activi- twenty it too. But we still live in a country where per- your degree needs to be recognized is that he ties for the semester) went down minute sonal responsibility rules.” (actual quote from his from Ford- was brought to our campus un- the tubes last Thursday, never tirade speech) ham”) and der false pretense. Rove’s status to be seen or heard from again. about the “Who would as a controversial fi gure led the And by “down the tubes” I current you support College Republicans to adver- mean “straight into Karl Rove’s state of in the 2012 tise the event as one that had the fucking pockets.” our econ- election?” potential to create debate and The highly publicized and omy and (Answer: not discussion, and this served as a contested event took place in how we answering). justifi cation for the exorbitant Fordham Prep’s Leonard The- arrived The ques- amount of money that was spent ater, which was (thankfully) at our tions from on the event. However, this was only fi lled to roughly half ca- current the Demo- not the case: as anyone who pacity by the time Rove took predica- crat side has taken Intro to Communica- the stage. From the get-go, ment. were, pre- tions knows well, there exists a there was an overwhelming at- Natural- dictably, an- tendency for individuals to se- mosphere of assent. The CR’s ly, there swered with lectively expose themselves to were MC-ing things, passing was an a dismissive things that reaffi rm their beliefs out fl yers and ushering students abun- air and bla- and positions rather than those into seats, and it was clear that dance of tant hostility, that may challenge them or cre- the vast majority of those in at- statistics and, though ate internal confl ict. Though the tendance arrived with absolute- and number games that kept the tion of critical information set poignant, Rove’s responses fi eld of Communications theory ly no intentions of having their audience from actually thinking the tone for the remainder of the eliminated any possibility of an often receives fl ak from the views challenged or engaging in about anything other than their speech, which was mostly dedi- intelligent discussion of the is- academic community, Rove’s any sort of actual dialogue—no, shock value, and Rove played cated to bashing healthcare re- sues raised. One in particular, speech was a near perfect il- people were there to hear what into the theme quite enthusiasti- form and criticizing those who which addressed the question lustration of this concept: those they wanted to hear, and Rove cally. The crux of his argument can’t afford to pay exorbitant of water boarding and whether in attendance, though they may was there to spoon-feed it to was that the defi cit swelled to premiums charged by private or not it is a human rights vio- have claimed that their inten- them. where it is today as a result of health insurance companies (see lation, was met with a response tions were to create a political Rove began his speech by America’s various ‘entitlement photo for exact quote). For the that bordered on the absurd. Af- dialogue, seemed to have zero relaying a long-winded and programs’ (Social Security, Q&A session, in which ques- ter beginning his answer with a intention of doing so, and were obnoxious anecdote about Medicare, Welfare, etc.) bank- tions were fi elded by represen- matter-of-fact, “Well, fi rst of all, instead treated to a short stump George H.W.’s speedboat in rupting the nation with what tatives from College Democrats it’s not torture,” Rove moved on speech about “patriotism” and Kennebunkport, Maine, and Rove referred to as a “series of and College Republicans. The to suggest that individuals who “American values” that essen- eventually moved into a few unsustainable promises.” What questions from the Republi- have been waterboarded have tially functioned as an extended thanked their captors under the advertisement for Rove’s book. pretense of “using such a safe So, in retrospect, Fordham RESPONding TO and painless method to break University paid $25,000 for a their will” rather than “actually select contingent of its students the RAM’s Karl causing physical harm.” This to do something that could have comment (which, to clarify, been accomplished by watching suggests that those who have an episode of The O’Reilly Fac- Rove Interview been tortured have thanked their tor. And that’s just sad. by Marisa Carroll article “Women’s Empower- “elaborate a little more.” 3. The Ram allowed Karl Rove Rove, may I suggest speaking NEWS CO-EDITOR ment ‘Complicates the Issue,’” These claims include: to claim that “low income pro- to your former boss, Mr. Bush, On April 14, The Ram’s in which Christopher Kennedy a. “[Obama] talked about cut- grams, Medicare, Medicaid, to better understand this type of editorial staff members and po- grants Respect for Life’s Bren- ting taxes, he talked about ex- Social Security,” and other policy. litical whiz kids Abigail Forget dan O’Morchoe over half the ar- coriating the defi cit of the Bush programs are bad for America, 5. In response to Rove’s state- and Patrick Derocher sat down ticle to make unjustifi ed claims years and he wanted to, ‘scrub “Especially when we have a 20 ment, “So I hope there are some with Karl Rove to, you know, that, “The right to abortion is the budget line by line,’ and trillion dollars defi cit and pro- non-Republicans in the audi- shoot the shit. When the paper not empowering to women. It start government programs that jections say we’re adding $10 ence who might pay attention staff found the article posted diminishes their role in society” do not work.” Suggested rep- trillion dollars to it. [Obama’s and say you know what, he online on April 16, we immedi- (because our role, of course, is sonse: “When you refer to neb- fi scal policy] is just smoke and made a good point or two”— ately gobbled it up, psyched to to pump out babies.)) the paper ulous ‘government programs mirrors. It’s not real.” They ac- We paid attention (see above get inside “Bush’s Brain.” The found the best of the worst in that do not work,’ what exactly cepted this answer and did not article). We conclusively found Ram is Fordham Rose Hill’s the Rove interview. Feel free to do you mean? Can you provide ask him about, let’s say, the tril- no good points. unbiased, AP Style adhering pause and barf throughout the examples?” lion dollar wars in which we are 6. “When [a comic] came and newspaper, after all. The jour- cascade of soft-ball questions b. “That’s what the essence of fi ghting as a result of the Bush picked me out of the crowd, I nal of record, the paper that and baseless answers. conservatism is, to allow the years. Really, The Ram? just cringed and didn’t want to has been “serving the Fordham 1. At the end of almost every individual…the individual mat- 4. I would like to further call make eye contact. I hoped if I University campus and commu- question, Fordham’s very own ters. It’s not up to the govern- out The Ram for not questioning didn’t see him, then he wouldn’t nity since 1918.” We, as fellow David Frosts asked, “Could you ment to decide everything; it’s Rove when he stated, regarding see me.” Thank you, The Ram, writers and Fordham students, explain your thoughts on this a power to the individual.” Sug- Obama’s Libya policy, “Well, for keeping this gem in the ar- were ready for The Ram to ser- little more?” Very polite? Sure. gested response: “Then how, here we have a policy and I’m ticle. It’s nice to see a perfect vice us. Very good journalism? Ques- Mr. Rove, would you explain not sure what the goal is. Is it representation of how every Instead, The Ram again tionable. the government—especially regime change or is it merely Dad feels at the stand-up com- proved itself to be Fordham’s 2. Karl Rove made several the GOP—deciding what goes the protection of civilians? It edy show his wife drags him to. forum for unsubstantiated big time, major, giant claims, on within individual women’s doesn’t seem like he knows 7. Thank God, they asked him claims presented as inarguable to which The Ram neither re- uteruses, who can marry whom, what the end game is.” Mr. about his dance moves. fact (see: The Ram’s April 13 sponded nor asked if he could etc?” april 20, 2011 the paper page 5 More Critical Analyses of Students’ Sodexo Responses (Now, with more race and class tensions!) (Continued from p. 3) tioned that the employees are this basic misunderstanding. tive failure on the part of So- beer money, but to provide a life But dissatisfaction with “governed by a collective bar- Racism is an incredibly pow- dexo management. for yourself and your family and Fordham policies was not the gaining agreement” and “from erful force on our campus and, This is not to glorify Sodexo B) You are serving a group of only theme underlying students’ the immediate community.” He like class, leads to the powerful employees or indicate that no entitled students who rarely say Sodexo responses. The Town added that many have special Otherizing and dehumanizing one can make a mistake. Hu- Thank You and, more insidious- Hall refl ected another tension needs. While these facts are key of individuals. What is particu- mans are imperfect, and I have ly, whose privileged existence simmering in the students body: to understanding the situation, larly troubling about how this received imperfect food in impedes upon their own (Ford- namely, racial and class tension. the way Poteat fumbled with the dynamic of oppression unfolds Fordham dining facilities. But ham has had a historically Rob- Students repeatedly mentioned words was very unsettling—as in 2011 is that peoples’ internal- Sodexo produces one million ert Moses-like relationship with that Sodexo also serves prisons, if he was trying to separate him- ized prejudices are mostly sup- meals in 36 weeks and provides the Bronx). John Mantia, when which is fact. However, stu- self from those people (his em- pressed in pleasant company. 12,000 plates of food per day. you graduate with your business dents employed this fact in jest, ployees) and align himself with Then, when the opportunity This food is made and served degree, I dare you to apply for a trying to grab the audience’s the student. arises, these prejudices emerge by humans, not perfect robots; job working in Fordham’s Caf. support by mentioning that they Suggestions that Sodexo em- aggressively and forcefully. this concept (“humanity”) You and Jose can hang at the are eating “prison food.” Nota- ployees aren’t “excited” evaded students at the So- sandwich station—even though, bly, prisons are one of the U.S.’s have come up again and dexo Town Hall. Further, as we know from your Ram in- most booming industries. We again in the Sodexo deba- expecting Sodexo em- terview, “I tried to make sand- have 2 million people in jail, cle. Yet, no one speaks to ployees to be overjoyed wiches, I tried to be innovative, most of whom are low-income Sodexo employees about working in food service but after a while I was like this or racial minorities. A group of these complaints; the only refl ects both an incred- is stupid, I shouldn’t have to do 200 college students laughing communication that goes ible privilege and arro- this. I shouldn’t have to invent that prisoners might need to eat on is between both power- gance, heightened by the new foods.” food was unnerving, refl ecting holding parties (Sodexo “I’m down to socio-economic superior- Fordham students’ pro- a privileged misunderstand of management and Ford- invent most things, ity many students feel to worker talk is also problematic. how our prison system works. ham students). While this but I should NOT Sodexo employees. By valorizing employees, stu- One student’s comment at the is, on one hand, logisti- have to invent new One gem from The dents ease their white guilt or Town Hall best captured the cal—the paper spoke to foods.” Ram’s “Fordham Flocks” class-privilege guilt in an argu- class driven aspect of students’ Sodexo employees but -Thomas Edison article perfectly captures ably patronizing way (swoop- complaints. “Dealing with your could not print their in- this privilege-arrogance ing in to claim “solidarity” and employees is not enjoyable… terviews due to Sodexo combo. “Demanding a protect employees)—a crime in they do not seem like a happy contracts—it underscores the This includes white students Refund” group creator John which I have certainly partici- group of people,” the white, relationship between Fordham fl agrantly using the “n-word” Mantia said, “I would love to pated. By valorizing workers, male student asked, laughing, students and Sodexo employee. when drunk at MugZs or in their work there [in Sodexo dining fa- students also shirk their own “They don’t seem to care.” This Fordham students encounter dorm rooms. It includes only cilities],” adding “I would have a complicity in workers’ oppres- comment garnered the biggest Sodexo workers in a servile ever taking the Metro North blast working there and making sion under a capitalist system. laughs and cheers of the Town position. “We” see “them” because “The D train is really things better.” Hey there, Ga- For me to maintain my privi- Hall, and the crowd erupted as part of the machine as op- dangerous” (subtext: because belli School of Business student leged lifestyle there must be an when he asked Brian Poteat, posed to fellow individuals. of those who ride it). It also and President Elect of Fordham expense. Therefore, that Sodexo “Is there any way you can make That many Sodexo em- includes laughing loudly at the College Republicans, it may employees earn low wages (al- them act more…excited?” ployees are people of color and working class, mostly people of sound like “a blast” to work a though they do have collective- Poteat responded sheep- many Fordham students rarely color who “don’t seem to care” low-wage paying food service bargaining and benefi ts) is in ishly, explaining that Sodexo (if ever) interact with people of (subtext: are lazy) when the ac- job…wait, it most clearly does part my doing. Blind praise em- has 140 employees working at color except in a servile position tual, health-code-related issue is not. This is especially true when ploys a relativism that shields Fordham. He repeatedly men- adds a racialized component to related to an overall administra- A) You are not working to earn my own role in that oppression. The Milwaukee Police: Continuing to Break Their Record of Rape and Blatantly Racist Incidents by John O’Neill single mother of two. The of- sexual abuse is that Cates has sion. This poor record of self brutal and abusive racists work- STAFF (RAPE)WHISTLE- fi cer and his partner responded a lengthy record of complaints, enforcement and the strength of ing the streets, but they have BLOWER to the vandalism complaint, but including fi ve prior allegations the union in defending crooked their hands tied on account of The Milwaukee Police De- soon after entering the property of sexual misconduct while on cops serves as a detriment to fl awed police union support for partment is an organization of reportedly raped the victim nu- the job. justice in Milwaukee. The abil- the offi cers. While nine offi cers 2,000 sworn offi cers respon- merous times be- ity of unprofessional offi - involved with the group have sible for patrolling and protect- fore arresting her cers to be rehired after being had fi rings successfully upheld, ing a city of 594,000 residents and having her charged with such crimes their abusive behavior continues and 96 square miles. It should placed in custody. lessens the credibility of an to be a problem in a city which be noted that the vast majority After some 12 organization that serves with has a non-white majority. of these offi cers are respectable hours of interro- a diverse population in the These cases of police abuse employees who work an incred- gation and verbal nation’s twentieth largest and sexual misconduct hold ibly demanding job and do so abuse, an offi cer city. strong ramifi cations in the quest with integrity and pride. Unfor- from Internal Af- In addition to the offi cers to create safe and stable neigh- tunately, the department has re- fairs heeded her facing complaints of sexual borhoods in the city. These of- cently been plagued by a num- pleas for medical misconduct, the department fi cers are reprehensible not only ber of embarrassing high-profi le attention and had is grappling with a rogue for their crimes, but also for cases of sworn offi cers abusing her transported to group of offi cers known as who they often target--impov- their authority. Particularly the hospital. The the Punishers. The group erished minority women. These troubling among the growing rape victim was was exposed in 2005 after sworn predators have selected a number of exposed complaints subjected to hours the violent attempted murder population that they feel free to regarding theft and incompe- of harassment by of a biracial Milwaukeean, abuse, justifi ably arrogant be- tence, are reports of physical offi cers who re- Frank Jude, by off-duty cause of the lack of consequenc- and sexual misconduct by on- fused to believe her Punishers outside a house es that has arisen in response to duty offi cers. In the last year, six story, threatening party. The Punishers have allegations. Only upon the in- Milwaukee police offi cers have her with trumped Milwaukee’s Finest a lengthy record of racially tervention of federal authorities been charged with crimes rang- up charges if she re- motivated beatings of Black has justice been able to be par- ing from engaging in prostitu- fused to rescind her story. Cates In the past year, fi ve and Latino Milwaukeeans. The tially served in Milwaukee. This tion to premeditated rape. has since been fi red for ‘idling other offi cers have been ac- group professes an allegiance string of powerful allegations of The most outrageous case and loafi ng’ and is under federal cused of comparable sexual to white supremacist ideals, and brutality and abuse should serve of abuse is the story of Ladma- investigation, though he is ap- crimes while on the job, fi red members are often marked with as a wake up call for reform in rald Cates. Offi cer Cates and his pealing his fi ring and still has or suspended, and subsequently black skull tattoos. The depart- the Milwaukee Police Depart- partner responded to a vandal- the ability to be rehired. Most rehired upon reversal by the ment acknowledges the prob- ment, and to police departments ism complaint by a 19-year-old troubling in this story of brutal city police and fi re commis- lems that come with a band of across the nation. page 6 the paper april 20, 2011 Faker Dov Charney Has lost his marbles morals by Mickie Meinhardt ‘dormitory’: 20 rooms, usually of their advertising – the afore- Than EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR fi lled by mostly female ‘visitors’ mentioned photographs – is not who stay for undetermined peri- made with contractual models, In many ways, American ods of time. There is a sculpture but rather by Charney’s own Apparel is a paradigm of what of a middle fi nger on the front shots of employees. There have this country values most. As lawn. He has a passion for pho- been several cases where wom- Americans we like to buy our tography, which he practices en agreed to be photographed Truth clothing from places we know by shooting the soft-core porn- but were never told what for, by Nick Murray, Sean Kelly, Sarah Madges, and John O’Neill we can fi nd in almost any town style photographs that comprise later fi nding themselves on STAFF LIARS and, when we do locate them in the company’s advertising cam- billboards wearing nothing but BRONX, NY – At a recent party on Belmont Ave., a Fordham the closest mall, it will look the paigns. neon leggings. It gets creepier University senior was overheard bragging that despite living in the same as it does in all other malls. And then there are the sexu- when one recalls the promi- Bronx for four years he had never stepped east of Crotona or south We like to be lazy and comfy al harassments. Over the years, nence of beds in past ad cam- of 187th, not counting that time his dad’s fi rm got tickets to a Yan- but we don’t want to seem like Charney has faced a number of paigns; it’s hard not to think that kee game. After admitting that places such as City Island, Crotona slobs, so we will pay $39.99 for scandals. His fi rst was in 2004, these women were shot in the Park, Riverdale, Van Courtland, Woodlawn Cemetery, Orchard a generic cotton T-shirt. We also one year after the company’s midst of fornication. Beach, Soundview and Hunt’s Point sounded kind of interesting, like feeling slightly edgy, so takeoff, when he dropped his Charney refers to himself as now that you mention it, the student insisted that he had Mugz’s, sleak advertising with a photo- trousers and masturbated in a ‘complicated freak’, and it is and that’s “all you really need.” However, the student continued to graph from what we assume is front of a reporter. The follow- diffi cult to disagree. Despite the claim that he “loves the Bronx” and still plans to use his current an expensive camera appeals ing year three former employees good intentions of his founding place of residence to “get a little street cred” when he returns to to us. We love ourselves and fi led sexual harassment lawsuits ideals – a company that would Fairfi eld County after graduation. Unfortunately, his companions self-congratulation, so anything in L.A., saying that Charney’s produce clothing staples made were not impressed by the student’s claims because when they with “MADE IN THE USA” workplace fostered sexual mis- from U.S. cotton in U.S. facto- thought about it for a second, they realized that they hadn’t been to tags that doesn’t exploit foreign treatment of women. In 2006, a ries by U.S. employees – there any of those places either. workers is A-OK with us. But woman was fi red after she fi led is something off about this man. --NM most of all, we love sex. a sexual harassment complaint And it fi nally seems to be af- Though the conservative against a co-worker on the fecting the empire he worked to ST. KRUNQUS – The tiny Caribbean island of St. Krunqus was right doth protest too much, grounds that her protest ‘created build. Last year, the company in full swing last week, as the world’s Catholic priests convened on you only need to turn on VH1 a hostile work enviornment’. reported $84 million in losses the tropical paradise for the annual gathering of the Palm Sunday or glance and a 4.6 percent drop in palm fronds. On Thursday, April 14, priests from all corners of at a row of revenue from the year be- the globe arrived on St. Krunqus to much fanfare, and a reception magazines fore. Since 2007, its stock hosted by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI at the island’s Sandals in a 7-11 has fallen from $15 per Resort. “This is all of our favorite time of the year,” said Wladys- to discover share to 78 cents. They law Przemyslowicz of Czarnobialystok, Poland, “It’s the few days what Amer- also project comparable out of the year when us priests can all get together and unwind icans love. losses for 2011. Two after a stressful Lenten season.” The festivities began Thursday Naked bod- members of the board of night with a luau complete with pig roast, limbo competition, a ies. Con- directors, both members very special appearance by Cookie Monster, and a musical per- sider Hugh of Lion Capitol, which formance by none other than Charro. Early Friday morning, the Hefner and invests in American Ap- priests were bussed to St. Krunqus’ Craanquus forest preserve to the Playboy parel, stepped down re- strip the famous palms of their valuable fronds in preparation for franchise: cently. the 17th’s Palm Sunday celebration. In a statement to the press, St. the man is They hired a new Krunqus PM Frederick Crummbuss said that the priests’ visit was a national chief fi nancial offi cer a highly anticipated event and a major source of revenue for the Is- icon, be- and there has been talk of land. As a gesture of gratitude, the Vatican has reportedly planned loved by Charney becoming just a spaghetti supper at St. Krunqus’ Macaroni grill for Chamber of thousands the creative director. Commerce members. for his mag- Hey, man. I’m just The mogul laughs --SPK azine dedi- here for the gang bang. at this notion. “I’m sup- cated to the posed to hire all these FORDHAM UNIVERSITY, NY – A student was seen on the female nude clowns, like they know Rose Hill campus wearing a T-shirt that read: “PETA—People body and for living in a mansion 2011 has been the Golden Year better,” he said, sounding an- Eating Tasty Animals.” Upon noticing the subversive and un- where well-endowed beauties though: so far, fi ve former em- noyed. “Oh, just put me in the expected wit behind the purposefully misconstrued acronym, a romp around in bikinis and fall ployees have fi led lawsuits creative room, the rubber room, female student reportedly stopped the T-shirted man to compli- all over anybody with a sexual against Charney for harassment the clown room. Give him a ment him. She was heard saying, “I really appreciate your ironic organ. We may laugh at it, but and, in a few cases, pressure to model. Give him a camera. He’ll T-shirt,” and asked if he purchased it online or in a Spencer’s. it’s still somewhat respected. commit sexual acts upon him. be O.K.” He then lied down on Upon learning that he actually learned how to screen print shirts And it’s American! The most publicized of those the fl oor of his offi ce, covered from the bassist in his ska band called “the Skankaholic Daddies,” Dov Charney, CEO and cases is that of Irene Morales, himself with a grey piece of she asked if they could exchange contact information. “I’d rather founder of American Apparel, who claimed that Charney in- cloth, said, “I am a ghost” to make my own shirt that says ‘Orgasm Donor’ than spend $22 plus knows this. But unlike the many vited her to his New York apart- mimic faceless executives, and shipping, you know?” she added. Sources report that the female who may entertain boyish fan- ment in 2008 to model in a pho- then threw a shoe across the student accompanied him to Eddie’s that afternoon, honored to be tasies while watching The Girls toshoot (wherein he would be room and scared the puppy that in the presence of a man so willing to wear his immature opinions Next Door, he actually tries to the photographer). When she was sleeping on his couch. across his chest. emulate Hefner’s lifestyle, as he arrived, he apparently locked But despite all the lawsuits --SM mentioned in a recent New York her in and forced her to kneel and climbing losses, and the Times profi le. When speaking to in the hallway and perform oral possible insanity of its CEO, COLUMBUS, OH - Ohio Governor John Kasich’s fi rst budget the reporter, Charney showed sex. She claims to have been American Apparel is probably won approval along party lines in the Ohio legislature. Under the a 1973 copy of Time maga- held there for hours and used as not going anywhere. Because plan, Ohio will lay off all of the state’s 600,000 employees and zine that he keeps around (for a sex slave. people love it, and it does make elected offi cials. Ohio roadways are to be turned over to the con- inspiration?) with a profi le of When investigating the insane amounts of money. $84 trol of private toll collectors. Gun manufacturers and private se- Hefner and Penthouse founder claims, Times reporters were million in losses sounds like a curity contractors expressed glee at the prospect of the expected Bob Guccione, working on their shown sexually explicit emails, lot, but they also had $533 mil- chaotic terror and lawlessness. Kasich highlighted that the state’s magazines while surrounded by texts, and photos, some involv- lion in sales. Someone some- eight billion dollar budget defi cit will be fi lled with the selling of half-clothed women. This is ap- ing Charney, from the women where will step up and bail state owned facilities and parkland to private entities, all while parently how he hopes to run who fi led the suits. Meant to them out if they ever come too abolishing taxes. Ohioans celebrated liberation from onerous taxes his business, as evidenced by show that the CEO was a vic- close to bankruptcy. Because in and government regulation with rounds of gunfi re and manic fl ag the requirement that prospective tim of crazed employees seek- America, we like our billboards waving. “The government ain’t gettin’ another dime of my hard employees submit a photo with ing to bleed the company dry, it slutty and our cotton organic, earned money!” exclaimed a shirtless celebrant sitting in the bed their application. indicates instead that Charney and the heads of our largest cor- of a pickup truck parked outside a suburban Cincinnati Wal-Mart. Charney perpetuates sex in is overly familiar with his em- porations to lead with their pe- --JO almost every part of his life. A ployees. This is still true when nises. friend described his home as a one considers that the majority From their racial profi ling april 20, 2011 the paper page 7 the arizona minutemen Driving Back the Hispanic Onslaught and Saving America One Immigrant at a Time by Tom Sliwowski drug smugglers. the sheriff’s past actions; this EARWAX EDITOR Arpaio has called these 30 essentially gives him an orga- bill reminiscent of the Nurem- airborne minutemen his “air nized, paramilitary organization berg Laws to their most recent posse” (lame) and nicknamed that answers only to him. By al- by Sarah Madges, Dan Yacovino, and Marisa Carroll move, a “birther bill” requiring the whole process “Operation lowing him to do this, Arizona STAFF JAPANOPHILES President Obama to, once again, Desert Sky” (a little better, but State Legislators are letting him Chemists Find Way to Keep tion in Federal Spending on prove his citizenship, Arizona’s still a rip-off of Bush the First’s stretch the limits of his powers Beer Fresher Longer through Public Programs: A Series obscenely conservative politics idea). The private pilots, fund- and disrupt the delicate system Lower pH and Temperature have consistently brought us op- ed by state budget money of of checks and balances which One: portunities to fi rst laugh in dis- course, have begun fl ying over prevent military coups from They said: Keep beer cool. Three trillion from poor belief and then almost cry out of central A.Z., and Fox News is plaguing America as they do ‘Cause I need a scientist goes to the rich. Rep. Ryan despair. You may have wondered most pleased to report that their so many other countries. In the to tell me that one. you ain’t Robin Hood. where all of this racial prejudice surveillance has led to the ar- past he has strived to make his and “America for Americans”- rests of 169 suspected illegal radically reactionary position Two: ism originated. Was it the immigrants thus far. Though known to all, and his actions Scientists Found that Drugs So you want to shrink hordes of suburbanites sitting command over a private air have supported his words; now Lose Effectiveness in Space government to Coolidge in their air-conditioned boxes force of wealthy, bored, gung- he is taking real steps towards size? made of ticky-tacky suddenly ho types might seem like a great amassing power under the rhet- Guess I can forget Cue Ayn Rand’s boner. seeing their world shattered by place to be in life, the reality is oric of an absurd and irrational about my plan for Spring Break the presence of the “Others,” of quite different. Arpaio is cur- dogma. The results of such a on the fucking moon. Three: slightly darker people speak- rently the subject of two federal power-grab are very unpredict- Medicare vouchers ing some dangerous-sounding investigations—one for his law able: the ever-growing force of you say? Sounds like death language? Was it just the se- enforcement practices, and one minutemen answering to Ar- Fighting Intensifi es in Libyan panels. vere discomfort felt by people to audit his budget. There’s re- paio and men like him are not Port Misrata, Government At- Buzzwords work both wrapped in Gadsden fl ags, their ally no surprise here: the former subject to the same regulations tempts to Retake Rebel-Held ways. myopic brains numbed through has found that over the course and restrictions that public law City chronic high-doses of Glenn of the past few years, he has enforcement agents are, holding Four: Beck and his spectacular stage consistently targeted Hispanics allegiance to their ideological All Qaddafi wants Tax cuts for the rich presence? Or was it merely the in arrests and investigations; leaders and their salaries, not to is a humanitarian crisis. and aid cuts for the poor. potent mixture of rich old white the latter has found millions of the United States. Furthermore, Give him a break, man. The defi cit won’t change. people, dry heat, and ennui? ‘misspent’ dollars. Specifi cally, many copy-cat instances have This is a question I can’t an- budget offi cials have reported begun to manifest, with other --DY swer, but I have seen a leader that he has used over 100 mil- Arizona sheriffs following Ar- Activist Coated in Oil-Like rise in this movement—an ar- lion dollar intended to fund and paio’s lead and putting the war Substance Denied Entry at BP Survey Finds South Bronx chetypal angry white man with run prisons (processing and on undocumented aliens before Shareholders Meeting Along Residents Give NYC Hous- just enough power to throw holding criminals who are actu- all other law enforcement con- with Four Others ing Authority Failing Grade, around and make a spectacle ally dangerous) to pay his depu- cerns. In many ways, it even Want More Green Jobs of himself. This man is Sheriff ties who loyally carry out his seems like they are competing They’re the ones effi n’ Joe Arpaio of Maricopa Coun- renegade war. with each other for who can up the coast. I’m just covered “I cannot believe try, Arizona. He supported all In addition to aerial sur- create the biggest spectacle and in oil—my protest juice. They want lower asthma rates. of these racial policies from the veillance, Arpaio’s war tactics attain the most power, kind of How very demanding.” start and is consistently present include raiding businesses and like a 21st century consumerist when the state legislature makes arresting any illegal immigrants image-based version of warring Mass Graves of Saddam Hus- such decisions. In many ways found working there—most re- feudal lords. sein Opponents Found in Iraq “60 Minutes” Investigation he’s like a shoddy mimicry of cently, Monte Carlo Dry Clean- Arpaio, however, is still Reveals Key Stores in Greg Karl Rove; a behind-the-scenes ers and Pei Wei Asian Diners. clearly in the lead: he has an- Oh, the good old days: Mortenson’s “Three Cups of “architect” with polarizing But the biggest spectacle of nounced that inmates are re- The U.S. backed Hussein while Tea” Never Happened views and a repugnant appetite Arpaio’s militaristic reign oc- quired to wear pink underwear, he stacked up bodies. for power. His most recent Ma- curred last month, when he because the best way to punish chiavellian power-grab is per- brought in none other than Ste- inmates guilty of being born At least that “Million Little haps the most theatrical: the or- ven Seagall in a SWAT armored into impoverished third world Francine Pascal to Add New Pieces” dude got to pretend ganization of a private air force vehicle to lead the raid on a sus- situations is to make them wear Book to the 1980s Sweet Valley he was a bad-ass. made up of a couple bitter white pected cockfi ghting ring. The embarrassing undergarments. High Series, for Adults men with Cessna 162s meant creation of a private air force, to track illegal immigrants and however, is very different from Drinking? Orgasms? Woman Attempted to Take The YA twins: sexier Own Life While Pregnant, The master at work. than virgin vampires. Survived but Miscarried, Charged with Murder

Storms and Tornadoes Sweep Can we fi nally Southern U.S., Death Toll see that promoting “fetal Climbs rights” fucks over women?

Houses gutted like fi sh Grapefruit-sized hailstones. Up Nic Cage Arrested In New North Orleans I’m safe, but hungry “Arrest me, I dare ya!” he yelled at the police. --SM Then they did just that.

--MC GOP Plans $4 Trillion Reduc- page 8 the paper april 20, 2011 the (fool’s?)gold stone report Two Years After the Gaza War Prompted an Investigative Probe, Goldstone Rethinks Report, inter-Israel and Hamas Violence Reignites by Sarah Madges ture was severely damaged (ac- Israel and Hamas yielded evi- tion of/harm to ambulances, and ing his words and people like NEWS CO-EDITOR cording to B’Tselem, the Israeli dence of potential war crimes/ refused to cooperate with the Shaley and Netanyahu reacting This might be incredibly re- Information Center for Human crimes against humanity, only investigation at the time. Fur- with self-congratulation, faith ductive, but I can’t write an ar- Rights in the Occupied Terri- Israel investigated its allega- thermore, Goldstone’s claims in Israel’s military judgment is ticle involving Israel and Pales- tories). Given the high number tions of “operational miscon- that the purpose “was never to strengthened while Palestinians tine without a little background. of civilian casualties/fatalities, duct” while Hamas did not in- prove a foregone conclusion are further confl ated with terror- Since 1917, when Israel and the U.N. Human Rights Council vestigate at all—but then again, against Israel” and that Israel ists. Palestine were simply called appointed an Independent Fact- of the 52 criminal investigations “has the right and obligation to It makes sense, then, that be- “Palestine” under the British Finding Mission headed by Israel opened, only three have defend itself and its citizens” fore Goldstone even retracted, Mandate, Arabs and Jews have Justice Richard Goldstone to in- led to indictments. While this does not constitute a retraction another Operation Cast Lead disputed over the same territory. vestigate allegations of human is still more than Hamas, why of the report’s fi ndings. Unfor- was under way. On March 22, The 1947 U.N. Partition Plan rights violations the following anyone expected an organiza- tunately, the Israeli government U.N. Special Rapporteur on Hu- “created” a Jewish and Arab summer. The 575-page report, tion whose policy is to destroy and many in the media seem to man Rights in the Palestinian state as a compromise, but this dubbed “the Goldstone Report,” the state of Israel to investi- think this is the case, as former Territories, Richard Falk, de- and the subsequent 1967 Green was presented on September 15, gate its alleged war crimes is Israeli ambassador to the U.N., cried Israel’s illegal settlement Line intended to demarcate bor- 2009, stirring up a maelstrom of strange to me, perhaps the same Gabriela Shaley, said that Gold- expansion in the West Bank as ders (or, in the case of the Green mixed reactions. Critics com- way that anyone who thinks all stone’s Op-Ed claims, “If we a form of ethnic cleansing. Al- Line, territories Israel captured plained that Hamas used civil- Palestinians support Hamas, a have to defend ourselves against most on cue, the next day the in the Six-Day War) was en- ians as human shields to hike de facto authority, and deserve terrorist organizations again, Israeli military killed four ci- forced to the same extent that up the death count, while Israeli their open-air prison in Gaza we will be able to say there is vilians (three teenage boys and underage drinking laws are con- PM Benjamin Netanyahu said also baffl es me. Furthermore, no way to deal with this terror a 60-year-old-grandfather) and trolled around here. Fifty years the report denies Israel’s “right when the standards re this con- other than the same way we did four alleged militants in the later the Oslo Accords grant- of self-defense,” and others still fl ict hinge on whether or not one in Cast Lead.” Gaza Strip, prompting Pales- ed a sort of hegemonic peace maintained that the disparities willfully targeted civilians, even Similarly, Netanyahu sum- tinian rocket fi re on two Israeli wherein Palestinians conceded in deaths clearly point out Is- Qaddafi could emerge the moral marized it as saying that the IDF towns and a bus bombing in Je- 78 percent of Palestine to Israel, rael’s wrongdoing. superior over Hamas. is the Most Moral Army in the rusalem that killed one civilian. leaving them with the last 22 Two years later the con- The Goldstone Report World. The three co-panelists The PA immediately condemned percent—the sterile, godforsak- troversy continues. On April 1 brought diametric opposition of the U.N. probe, however, re- the bombing and warned that Is- en Gaza Strip and West Bank. ject Goldstone’s “retrac- rael might exploit the incident Without addressing what to do tion”; Hina Jilani of Paki- to further their agenda. with Jerusalem (both Israel and stan, Desmond Travers Whether or not this is part Palestine’s capital) or how to of Ireland, and Christine of the agenda, Israel has re- address the Israeli settlements Chinkin of Britain made a sponded with violence, sending that expelled Palestinians from statement to, “dispel any warplanes to the Gaza-Egypt their homes, it makes sense that impression that subse- border on March 24 and bomb- two Intifadas (literally meaning quent developments have ing northern Gaza on April 7. “uprising”) followed, result- rendered any part of the On April 8 Israeli soldiers ar- ing in 8,500 Palestinian deaths mission’s report unsub- rested over 100 women in the (1,000 of which were caused by stantiated, erroneous or West Bank village of Awarta as fellow Palestinians suspicious inaccurate.” They added suspects for the killing of fi ve of collaboration) and 1,264 Is- that if “we sanitize our Jewish settlers, and bulldozed raeli deaths. conclusions, we would be homes in Tubas. At least 21 Pal- In 2007, the Palestinian Is- doing a serious injustice estinians have died since (10 of lamist group Hamas kicked the to the hundreds of inno- whom were Hamas members), secular Fatah-dominated Pal- cent civilians killed dur- marking the deadliest series of estinian Authority (PA) out of ing the Gaza confl ict, the Israeli attacks since the assault power in the strip. Despite the thousands injured, and on Gaza—and yet, the Palestin- PA’s recognition of Israel as its the hundreds of thousands ian militant response has simply own state, Hamas purportedly whose lives continue to goaded the Israeli government From the Mideast Post fi red rockets into Israel in De- be deeply affected by the to approve hundreds of new cember 2008. Israel responded confl ict and the block- homes in West Bank settlements on December 27, launching a Goldstone himself wrote an Op- from its inception, and still does ade.” and contributed to a new cycle military campaign called “Op- Ed in the Washington Post, ac- today—either the IDF are war So why does this tug-of-war of violence. eration Cast Lead,” i.e. Opera- knowledging that the report was criminals or they are victimized for truth matter? Invalidating In light of these recent tion Siege on Gaza. Although fl awed. New York judge Mary soldiers trying to defend their the Goldstone Report helps to events, executive director of the intention was to prevent McGowan Davis chaired the re- land/people; either Gaza was validate Israeli violence against B’Tselem Jessica Montell called Hamas from fi ring further rock- port that followed up on his rec- unlawfully besieged or Pales- civilians during the Gaza siege on the Turkel Commission to es- ets and importing weapons into ommendations and concluded tine promoted Hamas’s terror- and the increased settlement tablish an independent investi- Gaza, the three-week armed that the report violates interna- ism and deserved retaliation. building that followed. Perhaps gative apparatus that would ex- confl ict brought attacks on both tional standards for fact-fi nding, Now the polarization reads: it was unintentional, but Gold- amine possible breaches of the military and civilian targets, as favoring witnesses put forward either the Goldstone Report is stone essentially pinned Israel law by security forces. With the the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) by pro-Palestine advocates like wholly valid, or Goldstone’s and Hamas against each other possible recognition of a Pales- entered densely populated ur- the U.N. and NGOS—although concessions indicate that all in the Morality Contest—and, tinian state reaching the U.N. ban centers with land troops almost all the evidence came 575 pages are groundless. The naturally, a rag-tag group of re- General Assembly this Septem- and white phosphorous (an in- from Palestinian sources be- issue, like the confl ict itself, is sistance fi ghters/terrorists can- ber and Netanyahu attempting cendiary) fi red from 155mm ar- cause the Israeli government far more complex and nuanced not compare to one of the fi ve to rally support with the West, tillery guns. The violence ping refused to let the Commission than these binaries. McGowan strongest armies in the world, the international appraisal of pong-ed back and forth until interrogate IDF offi cers. Mc- Davis’s fi ndings do not absolve especially considering that these recent attacks and those in the mutual ceasefi re was de- Gowan Davis found that the Israel of its conduct: Israel has Hamas may rely on terrorism 2008-9 could make all the dif- clared on January 18. Around report downplays Hamas’s own yet to adequately address the because makeshift bombs are ference. It certainly would help 1,400 Palestinians were killed litany of war crimes while sug- level of force authorized, the cheaper than intelligent weap- if this appraisal had the help of (758 of whom were civilians) gesting that the extensive civil- determination of government onry only Israel can afford an evenhanded investigative over 5,300 Palestinians were ian harm indicates Israeli inten- offi ce buildings as legitimate (thanks to the U.S.’s donation apparatus that seeks account- injured, more than 3,500 houses tionality. military targets (Hamas ≠ Pales- of $3 billion in military aid per ability instead of just pointing were destroyed, and electricity, Additionally, although both tine’s government), the obstruc- year). With Goldstone soften- polarizing fi ngers. water, and sewage infrastruc- editorials april 20, 2011 the paper page 9

the paper’s view april 20, 2011 by Chris Sprindis and I did almost nothing to help, two years I was here. I patiently DEADITOR for which I am deeply sorry and sat through two years of exile, will always feel regret. hiding in the dankest corner of When the Going Gets Sad, A short time from now, in a And as I ponder how little I the Ramskellar, hoping one day borough not so far away, I will contributed to Fordham’s com- to see an open door on the build- the Sad Get Weird lie on a bed. Waiting for sur- munity amidst a sea of socially ing that I had only dreamed of. gery, they’ll explain that there’s conscious, right-minded in- And then we had you. For the For anybody involved in have the fi nal articles that these something funky going on with dividuals, I’ll be reminded of last two years of college you let any sort of campus club or ac- venerable knuckleheads will my liver. They can barely see the infi nite atrocities I’ve seen me come in whenever I wanted tivity, graduation season is an ever write for us (as Fordham it. Usually, you hear of booze- Fordham commit over the past to and feel at home and fart odd time. The nature of clubs students, at least). Naturally, soaked livers being engorged four years. For some reason, the around playing games of cut- here at Fordham (and, presum- they’re fraught with sentimen- and about to explode, but they Bad Decision Robot simply can- throat and butthroat for quar- ably, elsewhere) is such that tality, thinly veiled melancholy, aren’t telling you about all not leave Fordham alone, rising ters. Thank you. students of all ages are linked inside jokes, fond reminiscenc- cases. Sometimes they shrink, from the bowels of campus ev- Fordham was made toler- together and forced to work es and, of course, masturbation afraid of the world you live in, ery few months to bombard us able for me by the paper. By the with one another on a regular references both sly and not-so- until X-rays and CAT-scans and with embarrassing tales ranging people who run it, the damned basis and, subsequently, the sly. Obviously, attempting to any number of tests show noth- from the lack of rights for secu- rag itself, and the time I spent terms “freshman”, “sopho- sum up an entire college career ing. You’ve drunk until your rity guards from my freshman making it. Personally, I can’t get more”, “junior” and “senior” and multiple years of involve- liver decided to commit suicide. year to the welcoming of Newt enough boner and poop jokes to become mere formalities rather ment on campus in a single It’s time for my anesthetic. Gingrich (twice! I saw this man keep my funny bone vibrating, actual social and academic article space would be an exer- Anesthetic. The word itself twice!) and Karl Rove. but the goons in the basement strata. People of different cise in futility, so what’s con- tells all. It’s something designed Speaking of community, I’ll of McGinley who churned out grade levels blend together tained within these next few solely to reduce your aesthetic think back, ever so fondly, of this blunderbuss of a publica- seemingly effortlessly, some- pages serves not necessarily as experience to zero, zilch—you all my great friends here. When tion came closer than I thought what eradicating the need for a synopsis, but rather an evalu- will feel nothing from this point I saw my older friends gradu- possible. I’ll miss Photoshop- the distinctions at all. ation. Even if some (most?) of on. But, again, they’re wrong. ate my freshmen and sopho- ping 40s into my enemies’ As a result, the end of the these are more pertinent to us They forgot about memory. more year I thought that college hands, spinning in the broken year can bring with it a lot off at the paper more than anyone Only man’s oldest, nastiest drug, would be a dismal place from chairs until the contents of my weirdness and ambivalence. else, we still encourage you to old age, can take that from you. there on out. And, of course, I hangover grace the back of my On the one hand, the weather read them and appreciate them Rest assured, I’ll have plenty was wrong. The three years be- throat, and making fake cov- is improving, and with it every- for what they contain and what to remember as the one’s mood, summer is around they reveal. drugs kick in and steal the corner and classes are rap- In reading and editing my consciousness— idly winding down. On the these fi nal statements—a sort tales of friendship, other hand, however, there’s of samurai death poem for the debauchery, learning, something a bit more serious news junkies, culture snobs and unlearning. Col- looming on the horizon. For and word dorks—our current lege. That brief time in several months before fi nals staff certainly learned a thing my life that forced me begin there’s a proverbial el- or two. We learned that de- to face the knife and ephant in the room, and as spite how much crap we give hope that they resur- the semester’s termination be- this place, we all really do love rect my quantum of comes a reality rather than a Fordham deep down; hell, we liver. fantasy it starts to whine, shit wouldn’t carve out fi ve week- First, I’ll remem- on the fl oor and smell bad and ends a semester to making this ber just how little I’ve can no longer be ignored. The thing if we didn’t. We learned done here in four years. ecstasy of fi nishing school is that no matter how much we How easy it was to sit offset by the grim realization prepare and how much we by and watch my peers that when things start up again, think we know about transition- slave over hours of re- they’re going to be very dif- ing from college into the “real search and pages of es- ferent. The people that fi rst world” (whatever that means), says and theses while brought us into whatever or- we’re all a little screwed in our I sat idly by and did, ganization we’re involved in own special ways, but it’s be- well, whatever the hell I really low me are fi lled with some of ers for my favorite never com- and reared us from shy little ing screwed together (insert wanted to. It certainly wasn’t the most intelligent, ridiculous pleted publication, the pooper. whelps into real-life contribut- orgy joke here) that makes it inherent intelligence or a knack people I’ve ever met. You know I met my girlfriend, Sarah, with ing members of the community bearable. Most importantly, for working quickly that got me who you are, and I give you all the help of the paper and her will be off to who knows where we learned exactly how much through. Something beyond hu- my deepest thanks for recently unmatched writing skills, for doing who knows what, and these people have taught us, man understanding allowed me making me the happiest I’ve which I am infi nitely grateful we’ll all be left here to fi ll their and we learned that we mainly to get here. I didn’t cheat. I just ever been. and forever a better person be- comically large clown shoes. didn’t realize what we were didn’t do much, and it never re- I’ll think of all the things cause of her. I can’t thank the For us here at the paper, learning when we were learn- ally hurt me. Hell, before my I’ve experienced over the past paper enough for getting me to this is all becoming painfully ing it. last article in the paper two is- four years. My fi rst blackout. where I am today. real at the moment. We’ll be Oh, hell, we’re getting sen- sues ago, it had been over a year My hundredth blackout. The By this point the anesthetic seeing off eight seniors this timental here, but oh well; this and a half since I had written fi rst time I tried a beer that will be near impossible to fi ght. year, and we’ll doubtlessly be is our one free ride all year anything, even though I was an wasn’t Natty Light or Bud Memories blurring of discov- left with a big hole in our orga- to get a little mushy and spill editor the entire time. Light. That honor goes to Dog- ering that maybe philosophy nization and, likely, a whiskey- our guts. And, honestly, we I’m infi nitely proud of the fi sh Head 60 Minute IPA, and if actually was for me, that I hat- sized hole in our hearts. For can’t think of a better group of things I saw others do around I hadn’t tasted one of those my ed reading if it had to do with us, relationships across grade people to spill them over. So me while I quietly (and by qui- sophomore year, I wouldn’t be school, that any reading not for levels are as second nature as with that, we’ll leave you to etly I mean loudly and usually who I am today. school was absolute gold, the the magnetic lasso tool or pil- fi nish out the year on this nos- from the upside-down perspec- Rodrigue’s. Fucking Ro- fi rst time I read the paper as a fering free d-cokes from vari- talgic note. If you’re graduat- tive of having dove into a bush) drigue’s Coffee House, I will senior in high school, that Kurt ous goings-on in McGinley. ing, god speed and thank you. sat around watching those few remember you. When I came to Vonnegut died the year I came The arrangement of our staff If you have friends who are and fortunate souls at Fordham college and pranced about the to college but they’re still pub- facilitates interaction between graduating, take a step back, fi ght against war (no amount of club fair, Rodrigue’s was the lishing him and I haven’t read it everybody, and the fact the we think about what they’ve done time should see this much vio- one, aside from the paper, that all and no I can’t die yet… lock ourselves in a goddamn for you, and try you goddamn lence, let alone four years), in- really spoke to me. Coffee, hell When I wake, they will tell basement together for days at hardest to do the same when justice and poverty. I saw both yeah, I love coffee. Why not me that they found a small, a time really serves as a testa- you’re in their position. We’ll my closest friends and people join a club devoted to providing wrinkled raisin that was once ment to exactly how much time see you in the fall. I never met fi ght for LGTBQ cheap, fair-trade coffee to the my liver. The surgery went fi ne, we spend with one another. Also, balls. rights, women’s rights, work- student body? Oh, right, they I will be fi ne. I have more time. Here in this section, we er’s rights and countless others, didn’t have a space for the fi rst On with the show… page 10 the paper april 20, 2011

by Alex Gibbons sibly emotionless semi-literate a few), are a whip-smart group sitting and actually trying to be ily at the paper. DEADITOR hipsters who snicker at repub- of guys and gals who will con- a student. That’s hard. There’s So, if anyone besides regu- licans and farts. To do these tinue sacrifi cing entire week- love there, a real and sincere lar contributors to the paper has If it weren’t for the paper, folks justice would require more ends of their college careers to amount of effort and dedication stuck it out this long, I want to I would never have stuck it out space than this entire section piece this rag together. that goes into every issue of the encourage you to be a part of the as a student at Fordham Uni- has to offer. But I will at least Those lost weekends are paper. And, though we mostly paper. Come to meetings, write versity. It’s completely true. pay my respects to those who a big part of the paper’s life- do it for ourselves, somewhere us articles, send us emails. Tell Even with the paper in my life, came before me. When I was blood. Every two weeks or so, in the back of our minds we do us you love us. Tell us you hate Fordham seemed to offer an in- an underclassman, I looked up we at the paper lock ourselves it for Fordham as well. us. Talk shit about the paper at numerable amount of reasons to a staff of titans. Maciej Kas- in this musty cave of a print Through this we at the paper Howl, or tell your friends how for me to up and transfer. The perowicz and Jenna Schlosbon shop. There are no windows in have formed bonds that I regret awesome you think it is. This endless diffi culties posed by the (whose leg I once vomited on) here. There is no ventilation. were not and will not be shared is a great resource. This is a administration, the impossibil- were the editors-in-chief during In the winter there is a cold amongst the larger student body. 24-page periodical that allows ity to learn about what I was my fi rst semester, paragons that draft and in the spring the heat Perspective: No matter the ter- its contributors unbridled cre- actually interested in, the frus- represented some level of ative freedom on a campus that actual events tratingly small amount of good unattainable intellect and does not acknowledge the free classes offered in my particu- hipness. They were suc- speech of its students. That’s lar major. All of these things, ceeded by Charles Hailer sort of a big deal. Don’t leave coupled with my own personal and Bill Donahue, a can- your opinions to fester on your issues, made attending Fordham nibalistic Siamese twin facebook wall. Put that shit in a burdensome task. And I know who, despite their pro- ink. Write it down. Use those that that is something that only clivity to drink immense skills you learned in Comp. & a fi rst-world person can really amount of cheap beer and Rhetoric. Or don’t. I’m graduat- say, but fuck it. Write what you spend countless hours ing (right?). Why should I give know, I guess. And what I know playing “Dolphin Olym- a shit? is that a lot of times, higher edu- pics,” regularly produced I vaguely recall a conversa- cation seems less like a path- both hilarious and rel- tion I had with a friend, a fel- way to prosperity and happiness evant issues. After them low alumni of the paper and and more like a giant scam. If was Kate Murphy, who soon to be graduated senior. the paper did not exist, I would continued that legacy We were discussing something, never have put up with all this while showing us that we I’m not sure what, but it had to bullshit. I would have quit a could look like profes- do with shedding the excesses long time ago. sional adults and laugh at and trivialities of youth. Dur- I fi nd writing this last edi- fart jokes. And then there ing the conversation I fi nally torial extremely diffi cult be- was Pete Mullin, who just sort is on. The fl uorescent lights rible things I did, no matter how acknowledged the obvious, that cause I’m horrible at condens- of lived in the offi ce and had a (those that haven’t burned out) many alligators I screwed, there soon, once I graduate, I’ll have ing. Given the opportunity to funny voice. make it hard to judge the qual- was always an accepting body to change my lifestyle drasti- tell a story, I’ll depart from the Of course these names are ity of pictures on our computer of persons that saw my short- cally. I have to get my act to- central thread of the plot to ex- meaningless to the majority of screens and most of the chairs comings not only as scathing gether, mature a bit, or at least plore a number of irrelevant and current Fordham University stu- are broken or missing. And I’m character fl aws but as potential act as if I’ve matured. My friend tangential details. It’s also dif- dents. Even to some of the cur- not trying to invite praise here, punch lines to potentially awe- told me, plainly, that such life- fi cult because writing this edit rent staff members of the paper but locking yourself away in some jokes. To an overtly self- changes were necessary in order means acknowledging that my they are only characters from this god-forsaken room for a conscious individual (let the re- to become a man. “But I don’t time with the paper has ended. stories. And they only repre- weekend while the rest of the cord show that yr correspondent want to become a man,” I said And, while I’m ready to end my sent a small cross-section of the Fordham community is drink- is just short of being overtly to him, “I want to be Tom Hanks undergraduate career, I’m not paper’s body politic. But they ing themselves stupid, and stay- self-conscious) this sort of rela- in Big.” That can’t really hap- ready to depart with what has represent the paper as I knew it, ing in this god-forsaken room tionship would be pee-pee-dick- pen anymore. But the paper has been the most enjoyable and and for that reason I felt like I for hours on end, until the early ey. But to a collective that ad- allowed me to be Tom Hanks fulfi lling activity of my college should mention them in my last hours of a Monday morning, mires comedy and jest as much from Big for the last four years. career. edit. The current staff, though sometimes until seven or even as they admire straightforward And for that, I will always love To really talk about the pa- they suffer from the same ills ten in the morning, and then, af- news, such daily interaction is the paper more than I love my- per I’d have to talk about the that have always plagued the ter 48 hours of writing and edit- the fabric of meaningful and self. Which is quite frequently. people who make it, the, for paper (a shortage of contribu- ing and fooling around, going to resonating human interactions. Over and out, mofos. Peace. many of you, faceless and pos- tors and copy-editors being just your Monday morning class and There was and is a sense of fam- Love. Gap.

by Sam Wadhams responsibilities. Communica- tired for his commute DEADITOR tions is a fi ne fi eld but will nev- the next day. Instead of Not what it looks like...? er be Applied Astrophysics, and spending a sunny day Well, it seems our time is three days of classes per week on Eddies, stumble- up, or to be fair, my time is up. left Sam Wadhams the Boy with drunk with a schoolbag When I walked on this campus many an opportunity to smoke full of ice and beer, he in the fall of 2007 with a head pot out his dorm window and would be indoors, des- ...or exactly full of dreams and (sinful) de- enjoy discounted cases of Roll- perately trying to learn what it looks sires, the one thought that never ing Rock with friends. These the language “Spanish.” like? crossed my mind was how it were the salad days. Sam Wadhams the Boy would end, the inevitable ex- But at the end of Sophomore had a girlfriend now, ecution of Sam Wadhams the year, Luman Wadhams the Man, and could no longer go Boy. See, when Sam Wadhams father of Sam Wadhams the out and have thrilling the Boy arrived on this campus, Boy, told him that three days a adventures with strange there had never been a better week of school was bullshit and young ladies. time to be a boy. There were he better get it together. So after Sam Wadhams the pretty girls everywhere, the a summer of living his boyish Boy was dying. The wine fl owed like beer, he was in dream, Sam Wadhams the Boy next thing he knew New York City and his academ- picked a fi eld, almost at ran- ,he was a paid intern, ic responsibilities were negli- dom, and began to work. Work and then a Philoso- from last-call to fi rst-class. His in him. This parasite was the gible. He had the opportunity was an hour and change away, phy minor. He was staying in drink at MugZ’s was no longer a zygote of what would become to get fearlessly blacked-out on menial, and shockingly dull. all week, going out Friday and cup half-full of Wild Turkey and Sam Wadhams the Man, and it rum, whiskey, and malt liquor Sam Wadhams the Boy began to maybe Saturday if he was up ice and a cup of seltzer water to was going to kill Sam Wadhams with a dangerous regularity, and get sick. Instead of going out to to it. Jesus. Gone was his de- wash it down with. He didn’t the Boy. Sam Wadhams the he whooped it up with the best catch and sing the sun in fl ight, sire to piss on campus statues, discover it until it was too late, Man needed money to pay for of them. Sam Wadhams the Boy started smash faces on the rugby fi eld but he had a parasite growing continued on pg. 11 Sophomore year added few to go to bed early so as to not be and stay up smoking cigarettes april 20, 2011 the paper page 11 continued from pg. 10

food and a place to live, needed a full night’s sleep to be able to work to earn that money, and had to consume costly nutrients to keep his body working. Sam Wadhams the Boy smoked the occasional ciga- rette, and gave them up for lent his freshman year. When he ran into a very Catholic friend while smoking a ciga- rette, Sam Wadhams the Boy had a crisis of faith, looked him. Someday, he will have a every day hoping for adventure, always have the fond memories Mickie, Elena, Madges, Ma- his friend in the eye and said, son, a Boy in his own right, and but willing to settle for a good of the years I led packed to the rissa, Liz-O-Matic and Polish “It’s about Sacrifi ce,” and put then someday long after that, he laugh, and he was seldom dis- gills with joyous recklessness, Tom, don’t ruin the good thing that cigarette out on his wrist. too will die. appointed. He loved all of you. willing to bend any rule for the we left you, and I’ll try not to Sam Wadhams the Man will al- But today we pour one out for Sam Wadhams the Boy, pursuit of Fun. And for Sam ruin the real world before you ways have that scar, but under- Sam Wadhams the Boy. He had February 24, 1989- c. Novem- Wadhams the Boy, there can be get here. People from my other stands the message even better. more fun than anyone deserved, ber, 2011 no more fi tting memorial. walks of life, Louis, Will, Chris, Everything Sam Wadhams the least of all him. He drank in So when Sam Wadhams the Obligatory yearbook sec- Jizzo, Turch, Tim, and Nick, Boy had was given to him, but dorms, bars, apartments, hous- Boy dies and shrivels up and I tion: Pete, Bill, Chuck, Keeran, you’ve all meant the world to everything Sam Wadhams the es, and rooftops with some of poop him out, I’ll be left with and Ben, you old bastards taught me. If I forgot someone I assure Man will have he needs to earn, the fi nest ladies and gentlemen just Sam Wadhams the Man, me more than any classroom, you the failing was mine and and he will earn it through sac- a young man could ever hope to devoid of the liberties and ex- and though I will undoubtedly not yours. Mom, Dad, Jennie, rifi ce. meet. He fought in the streets, cuses I so readily turned to in recant this come trial time, I I owe you greatly for the things So on May 21st, when I walk screwed in the fi elds, and ran my youth. Thoreau claimed the couldn’t be prouder to know I had as a boy but I appreciate across that stage, an ever-weak- naked down Arthur Avenue. He mass of men lead lives of quiet you. Kate, you’re the sister I even more the traits I will carry er Sam Wadhams the Boy with was lazy, irresponsible, cruel desperation; he was a smarter never had, and your level head as a man. And you, dear reader, an ever-stronger Sam Wadhams for sport on more than one oc- fellow than I. I can only hope has kept me from spinning off thank you for bearing with me. the Man growing inside him, it casion, and insufferably arro- that I have inherited the Wad- this earth on more than one oc- 1,200 words of me sad-sack will likely be the beginning of gant. He surrounded himself hams desperation for excellence casion. paper dudes my year, jerking off couldn’t have been the end. Sam Wadhams the Boy with brilliant minds, kind souls as it has propelled worse Boys Chris, Joe, Bobby, Alex, Dan, a fun little read, but you take a with wither and die and Sam and quick wits, and they made than I to better Men than I could Nick, and Gibbons, I could pencil and write your name up Wadhams the Man will go into him better at every turn. He was ever hope to be. But wherever hope for nothing more than the there with the people I love, too. the world with little but his wits well-raised and well-educated, I go, and when the world fi nds opportunity to weather the tri- Later. and education to feed and clothe though he could have been me a wizened old man with lit- als of the real world alongside more appreciative. He woke up tle but my same blue eyes, I will you gents. Younger kids, Sean,

by Senator Joe McCarthy ham that seems as relevant or of cultural genocide, it ended up cannot be forgotten. I remember when I was still DEADITOR defi nitive as this one for me in taking a bit longer—4 full stink- To the administration: fuck wet behind the ears and the pa- my four years there. ing semesters. you. You’ll never know how per offi ce still had a hand-writ- Who am I writing to? I If this is mentioned or harped The full erection and fur- important this little haven is. I ten sign on the wall for coat- don’t know who reads this on even overwhelmingly in ev- nishing of the three newest wouldn’t trust you to fi x an ef- hanger abortions for 25 cents, pinko commy rag any more— ery other senior edit, let it be, gigantic buildings on campus fi ng birdhouse if it wasn’t for and Maciej was thumbing D whatever contingency outside let it bleed out annoyingly over took 3 semesters. It wasn’t in your birds. My birds have had batteries on the desk, making the paper staff that either under the fi ve or six pages: the pres- college where I learned that, to drink out of your toilets. some epochal chantey for the appreciates the journalistic in- Don’t send me solicitations general impotence of “alterna- tegrity of the Ram or for money after I graduate. tive” news communication at thinks along the same I’d rather give it to a college a college that’s surrounded by political lines as us, I that has a better learning en- 3 racist bars, the highest police guess (The Church of vironment—like Phoenix in- corruption in New York City, Obama and His Latter ternet college. and an administration that’d Day Saints). On sec- woof Why does Rodrigue’s rather fellate an alumni or pro- ond thought, I guess exist? Not for the pleasure spective student than give even I’m probably just writ- of fucking “hipsters”—if a half a shit about student life. I ing to the paper staff. people felt like opening guess at the time we were talk- When I visited their tiny little idées reçus- ing about apathy on campus. Fordumb in the spring saturated brains, they’d Well Christ. of 2007 (Year of the fi nd it interesting that the I’d rather lick your toi- Dolphin*), all I re- clientele and membership let seat than get preachy right member is that it was of Rodrigue’s ranges from now. It’s too late, and I have too raining—hard—and I business students to the many beers to drink. In sign- sat in on some guy lec- bouncer of Tinker’s to Gui- ing off, getting a D-Coke and turing about monkey dos to your cherished “hip- peacing out, I’d like to borrow bones. There was a sters” to people who idolize a sentiment felt by many of the storm drain by the li- Karl Rove, for God’s sake. college republicans I’ve shat on brary that’s no longer I don’t want to make some in countless articles—I raise a there that was making overarching statement about glass to you, Chad: don’t trust a vortex that I thought was pro- ence and absence of Rodrigues, while it is diffi cult to build huge what Rodrigue’s is—actually your government. The admin- vocative. And so I went here, to for so many of us, has made and sky-scraping somethings out of I mostly know what is not Ro- istration has better things to college. Welcome to the mon- has broken this place. nothing, it is not very hard to drigue’s, since it was absent worry about than you enjoying key house, kids. When we arrived here in the put new wood in place of rotten for so long: getting used to tri- your time at Fordham. Chal- That’s not all I remember Year of the Dolphin, we had but wood. bar, the library, and off-campus lenge them, keep poking them though. I had picked up an is- one meeting inside Rodrigues If this were a single event parties that further deteriorate over and over and over again sue of the paper—specifi cally before our eviction notice and disparate from the way things the already paltry communica- until your little raison d’être is this issue, the last one of the subsequent gathering to pack normally stand with the pow- tion Fordham students have closer to being fulfi lled. You’ve academic year, four years ago. I up all our shit and make a Trail ers that be at Fordham, it would with the Belmont community. earned it. You’re paying for it. still have it. I’m no sentimental- of our Tears over to the base- be only a stain on the college Jazzman’s coffee. Napping in You’ll be paying for it for years. ist or nothin, but to be honest, ment of McGinley. The build- experience of four generations a chair in Dealy’s vending ma- Rock over London. Rock it was probably the only rea- ing, likely enough—the second of Rose Hill students. But if it chine room or McGinley 2nd or out Rose Hill. Sodexo: Amer- son I ended up here. It was the oldest one on campus—was were in any way correlated to the windowless Keating base- ica’s favorite processed cheese opus Benham Jones—bless his deemed “structurally unsound,” the egregious lack of transpar- ment. Quarters and quarters product. soul—had written about How and required a little fi xer-upper. ency and total underrepresen- and dollars for pool. Rodrigue’s Saved His Life. This little restoration was to last tation of this little rectangle’s Something, something, fi ller *http://en.wikipedia.org/ There is no topic about Ford- a semester. Like many a story actual air, then this Diaspora transition paragraph… wiki/Year_of_the_Dolphin page 12 the paper april 20, 2011

by Nick Murray list, on the off chance any of tive things that have resulted ing and then editing its pages, the country and seeping into the DEADITOR y’all are reading: Green, Nai- from my writing for the paper, I see the paper as some sort of subconscious of an unsuspect- son, Haddad, McGowan, Har- but there are literally too many. mad experiment, the type that ing public. I have no reserva- Four years ago, I was not villa, and pretty much every I’ve written an article that in- can only happen in college: tions saying that the time I’ve excited to come to college. Or philosophy prof I’ve ever had) cludes the phrase “an interest- What happens when a group spent with the paper has been rather, I was confl icted. There but word counts are a bitch and I ing insight into both botany of the most brilliant, talented the best time of my life, and my was nothing I wanted more than would be remiss not to dedicate and the work of, say, Le Cor- people I know are locked in a only regret is that I didn’t have to get out of my town, away a couple of ‘graphs to the paper busier,” started an internet beef basement for two and half days, the guts to join sooner. from its philistines and AM in which this se- given nothing but a steady So, as I’m continuously radio station and food stand nior edit will be Blingee-er has stream of beer, non-perishable asked, am I ready to gradu- that seemingly everyone in the published. become the food goods, Four Loko and ate? Well no, how could I be world went to on nice summer When I was Blingee-d caf food, and told to come up when things are going as good days. But at the same time, there a freshman, I 24 pages of newspaper? Some as they’re going now? For one was nothing I wanted less than didn’t really times it works out, other times more month, I have afternoons to leave it. Anyone who comes think much of we’re left drinking beers, on Eddy’s, pool at Rodrigue’s, from this sort of remote, work- the paper. Like watching Outbreak and writ- parties on rooftops, the London ing class community will under- everyone else, ing a group list entry under the Review of Books in the library, stand the comforting fatalism I read it, but I pseudonym “Dustin Hoffman’s and all my friends living within ingrained in this sort of place. didn’t see it as Dusty Balls,” just like a bunch a four block radius. How could When we were kids, we were all anything more of would-be frat boys. To be I want to give that up? And yet, going to leave. On the rare oc- than, as I once honest, I love it either way. that lifestyle breeds its own casion that I go home, I realized said to Dan Ya- But seriously, I wasn’t ex- kind of fatalism, and as I walk how few did. covino, what aggerating when I said that my around campus I see plenty of But I was lucky. I came happens when a fellow writers and editors at the faces that will never part with Fordham. For a while I wanted bunch of would- paper are the most talented peo- what they have here just as so to go home. I didn’t really fi t in. be frat boys ple I know. In just the two years many people I know from home I was too bookish for the ath- acquire a basic I’ve been on staff, our writers could never part with what they letes. I was too athletic for the understanding have penetrated publications had in high school. bookish types. There was noth- of Photoshop including (and I know I’m So I’ll leave, and I’ll miss ing I loved more than a good and the freedom missing some) The Nation, New it at times but hopefully not too movie, but none of my friends to use the word York Press, Lucky Magazine, often. Maybe when someone wanted to watch any unless they “shit” without Chicago Tribune, The Rumpus, plays “All My Friends” or re- were high or needed something getting a ruler to Norwood News, Village Voice, members the days when Loko to talk over. I used to lie in my wrist. and Fashionista. had caffeine or uses the phrase bed listening to Cassie’s “Is It I still kinda wanted to write with Rivers Cuomo that some And while the paper as I “poop boot.” Maybe I’ll even You?” until I fell asleep. It was for it though, and after maybe a suggest that that girl from Best know it, our the paper, the paper see you on the street some time. high school all over again ex- year and a half of getting drunk Coast referenced on Pitchfork, of McShane Hawk and “That’s We’ll recognize each other but cept everyone had nicer clothes. at the old place on Bathgate and I climbed rock mountain, got So Joe!” and Polish Tom spend- neither of us will say anything. That’s not to say I didn’t ul- rapping all the words to Clipse a gig freelancing for another ing twenty minutes trying to fi g- Or we’ll chat for a little bit, fi nd timately love my freshman year songs with Benny Mac and paper (the one that taught me ure out why they call it Uva, is out where the other is living and at Fordham, it was just differ- maybe telling an equally drunk everything I know), and had a gone, or at least will be within what they’re doing, then ex- ent than what I was expecting. Chris Sprindis or Alex Orf that lot of fun with a lot of amazing a few years, I can’t help but change numbers but never call Fuck. There is so much more I had some albums I wanted people. smile a little when I consider and never intend to. That’s okay. I’d like to say here, memories to review or a sports articles I Three years after telling the fact that little fragments of We had what up until now were (good ones!) I’d like to recall, wanted to write (R.I.P. Sports), I Dan that thing about would-be what we did and what we had the greatest years of my life to- points I’d like to make and fi nally went to a meeting. frat boys, the paper for me has during those Four Loko-fueled gether, and I’ll always love you people I’d like to thank for sup- That was a good choice. I become something else. After print shoppe weekends is mak- for it. porting and inspiring me (short was going to list all the posi- spending a couple of years writ- ing its way into outlets across SO, THAT WAS COLLEGE by Alex Orf you meet some- like much of the school you’ve editors don’t know your name, DEADITOR NERDS NERDS one who lives seen so far. They’re loud and but at the end of fi rst semes- NERDS NERDS in your dorm, hairier than average and some ter Bobby and Chris are asked You move to a city Bobby, with too- of them don’t smell that great, to be editors. All of the sud- where you’ve never been skinny legs and and one of them keeps banging den, you’re staying until early before, to a college that a majestic swoop D batteries on the desk and try- Monday morning on production feels a hell of a lot like your in his hair, and he ing to get the meeting over with weekends even though no one high school, but bigger ditches the peo- so he can get drunk. His name asked you to, sitting in a fl uo- in every way imaginable. ple he came with is Maciej, and few weeks later rescent computer lab with the The kids are clean, mostly, because, hey, he in a different part of the student editors—Charles, Bill, Bennie and skinny and friendly collects records, center basement he paints his Mac, Keeran, later Pete—some- in a way that borders on too. Later, back face and plays noisy electronic times shirtless, copyediting desperation, but you don’t on campus, you music about Law and Order and timidly pitching ideas for have well-developed social drink some wine and killer ponies with a like- what Fr. McShane could do for skills so you fall into the at the no-drugs- painted girl people are calling “Faker Than Truth,” and maybe fi rst group with familiar- and-alcohol dorm Balls. The crowd, drunk enough they’re not the best ideas but the looking faces. It doesn’t with two more at this point to dance and lurch editors all know your name now take too long to realize new people— around, are mostly from the pa- and it’s more entertaining than that this is a relationship of Chris, shirtless per or a club called Rodrigue’s homework, anyway. Then there convenience and you really and bearded with Coffee House and know more are the production weekend have nothing you’d like to a penchant for try- words to these songs than you’d nights, and other nights besides, say to these people, except ing on women’s expect. At Rodrigue’s meetings, with the paper crew, watching maybe, “Hello,” or “Have outerwear, and which you’ve been attending, movies (Scorsese or Blood Din- a nice weekend,” that sort thick-framed glasses, and a full Joe, who bought a senior named Benham makes er or anything between) or par- of thing. So one night you go brown beard and guess (cor- manischewitz by mistake but jokes about Fordham that you ties at Bathgate where the jun- into the city proper, bluffi ng rectly) that following him will drinks it smiling anyway. These don’t quite get in a sage-like gle juice tastes like cough syrup your way through the subway lead you to the venue. The band are now your friends. baritone that makes you laugh and some times a little vodka system and coming out the oth- plays, and plays well, so you One night in late September anyway, or maybe it’s wanting ends up in your beer courtesy of er side disoriented and slightly buy their record for the record you go with your new friends to fi t in that does it. The people a drunken Bill—always with al- ill, and even though the streets player in your room that’s been to a meeting in the student cen- there are happy and attractive in cohol, and always learning from are on a numbered fucking gathering dust since Led Zeppe- ter for the college’s alternative several untraditional senses, and these loud, magnetic people a grid you get a little lost on the lin lost their high school allure newspaper, cleverly (you think so you keep attending meetings, little more about what it takes to way to the concert that you’ve and you hadn’t yet realized how to yourself) titled the paper. but aren’t yet sure why. be a human being in a world like bought a ticket for. Eventually many contemporary musicians The people at the meeting are At the paper you don’t con- this, at a school like yours. you see a guy with a knit cap, sell vinyl. And after the show not well-preened and tanned tribute much and worry that the continued on pg. 14 april 20, 2011 the paper page 13 (Notes) 1. Some payment pending. 2. I think we are at a point where we can just admit that “Ph.D” is just a more highfalutin way of saying by Bobby Cardos is the apathy towards anything spending time with these peo- have to succeed in spite of it. certifi ed, registered Smart Person, DEADITOR else that seems to accompany it, ple, I’ve ended up reconstruct- It doesn’t have to be that way, and feel little to no shame about it. the disproportionate participa- ing the way I think of Fordham. and it shouldn’t be that way. But 3. Which, re: the en route people, And so, not close enough to tion in ingestion/bullshitting v. Instead of thinking of Fordham nonetheless it is, and if noth- don’t even get me started in some call it over, but also not quite far anything else. This is pretty well as failing at creating a place ing else, it is practice of sorts. cases. off enough to be free of feelings exemplifi ed by the mediocre at- where students are given free Because my sense of things is 4. Speaking mainly about head- about it, I am given, as a the pa- tendance at about 90% of the reign to explore and come into that Fordham’s climate is a lot honcho or fi gurehead types here. per editor, one last fi nal block student-programmed events on their own intellectually, emo- like how “real life”11 is. There’s I’ve no interest in criticizing the of layout space to convey some campus, even—maybe especial- tionally, creatively, socially,10 really no one asking or helping numerous people here who come in each day with the basic goal fi nal thoughts on Fordham and ly—ones that occur during “off I’ve come to see Fordham as a you become your own person and eagerness towards helping us 1 my bought, paid for, and all but hours,” ingestion-wise. More place where people succeed in and be a proactive member in students. executed College Experience. than the apparent lack of inter- spite of. any way other than to generate 5. i.e. Printing incidence statistics I have been taught by amaz- est of the general(ized) student In spite of bureaucratic pro- profi t—and, in fact, things are in the security brochure that ing, mediocre, and actively bad body in its campus life, how- cedure and funding based on pretty heavily stacked against look awfully good (meaning professors. This is something I ever, is how little Fordham ad- ill-informed and/or misguided doing so. Which may be about low numbers) to prospective take to be part of one’s experi- ministration4 really cares about notions of “Jesuit Values.” In the most honest thing Fordham parents/students, but that are also ence at any university, because, the lack of participation, spend- spite of an administration that has done for its students—if horrendously inaccurate in terms of representing the campus climate; quite simply, not every certi- ing much more of its energy and seeks to advance Fordham on an you’re willing to take that mes- perpetually giving dollars to Frank 2 fi ed, registered Smart Person resources focusing on trying to arbitrary, national ranking scale sage and think of it as such. Bulfamante & Sons to beautify our is necessarily a good teacher. keep kids from drinking alco- while stifl ing the types of clubs All of which sounds pretty campus; paying the new-ish coach And, in fact, many people who hol, whether they be kids of age and programming that make pessimistic about Fordham. of our not-so-good basketball team would be amazing teachers of or otherwise. Meaning, spend- Fordham great. In spite of the It’s meant to. But I also have more than our faculty members college students are strictly pro- ing this time and effort to pre- refusal to distribute condoms to say at some point that I’ve while certain departments have to basically rely on adjuncts to keep hibited from being able to do so vent the drinking instead of try- on campus or have anything come to love Fordham—or their program afl oat; bringing because of institutional require- ing to fi gure out why there’s this resembling an honest conversa- more accurately my sub-circle high-profi le but basically shitty ments that the professor must be imbalance of ingestion v. sub- tion about sex—or for that mat- of Fordham: my best friends human beingsa to campus while a Smart Person®, or at least en stantive campus life, and maybe ter, sexuality, gender identity, and co-editors at the paper; stifl ing clubs and programming that route to becoming a Smart Per- trying to approach the problem sexual assault, sexual violence, shows at Rodrigue’s and more actually coincide with Jesuit Values son® (in which case, it is okay from that angle. All while try- &c. In spite of both a physical recently Paul Shaffer’s House; and make Fordham great, &c. for them to teach the youngest ing to advance Fordham’s brand and symbolic divorce between Shea’s; Mr. Dirge and Doubting a. e.g. Newt Gingrich, Karl of college students, who ap- on a national, arbitrary ranking Fordham and the neighborhood Thomas Cruise Control shows Rove, Michael Sulick. parently don’t require a full-on scale in ways that improve the it inhabits. In spite of tacitly with Chris, Joe and Sean; my 6. The apathy, I would posit, being a product of Fordham’s atmosphere, Smart Person® just yet).3 number but do not make any no- representing this relationship tangential associations with and more a condemnation of The real joke here, of course, ticeable or substantive improve- such that Fordham and its popu- activist-type clubs and people, administrators that let it continue is that (and particularly for hu- ments to the university for its lation is seen as safe/good and which I’ve mostly only engaged rather than of the student body manities majors) the books that students,5 and in fact often have the surrounding neighborhood with in the few times I sat down itself.a we learn from—the most basic an adverse impact. dangerous/bad, the only place and tried to represent what we a. (acknowledging that any where harm could come to a paper-folks think in “the pa- generalization-type statements Fordham student. In spite of an per’s view.” And the list goes are exactly that, and that things administration that oppresses on.12 The other important point are way more complex than they’re being presented, but for attempts at student life so much is that it took until about a year the sake of rhetorical effi cacy that it seems all a student can do ago to realize this, that what re- and effi ciency will have to is get intoxicated and oscillate ally matters is your sub-circle, remain in their unqualifi ed, between a few shitty bars. your group of people that loves generalized form.) In spite of all of this and you, and my only thing in the 7. the paper and those associated more, I’ve met plenty of bril- way of advice would be to try with it being a pretty serious reason liant and truly passionate peo- and realize this as soon as you that I did not transfer, and even ple, many of them in the Sub- can. Because, at least for me, it making me glad I didn’t, in the end. Basement From Hell, working is for these people that I worked 8. (Most of whom I don’t claim to know) on the paper. But it is easy to on the paper. And if they aren’t look around and see these peo- sure-as-hell worth it, there’s not 9. e.g. Writing a not-so-subtly- veiled list entry about a certain ple elsewhere as well if you pay much that’s worth anything. person on my fl oor who I (wrongly) attention, be it in an unoffi cial And, shit, it feels too soon thought was a guitar bro (sorry, F.E.T.-related sketch show, or to be writing this. It’s not even Dan), or writing an article about drunken, midnight, post-fi nal- Easter yet. There’s still school- the word belligerent—which who performance performance of a work hanging around to make cared?—that segued into state- production done on basically no me forget the real closeness of bashing—which apparently a lot of people cared. budget. Or perhaps in PRIDE’s the whole graduating thing. I’ve consistently solid program- only really begun to feel like 10. i.e. instead of thinking of Fordham as failing at being what a teachers, if you will—are usu- In the climate that sur- ming, bringing queer artists to I know the younger, up-and- college should be. ally written by non-registered rounds Fordham students, and campus and trying to reach out comers from Rodrigue’s and 11. I always think it’s kind of funny 6 13 Smart People, but apparently the apathy it produces, I’ve of- to Fordham’s community for the paper, and still don’t have that there’s a general consensus require a Smart Person® to un- ten wondered if there is even a something like real, human in- anything in the way of a clue, that college is not real life, and that derstand. place or demand for a publica- teraction and understanding. job-wise. there’s this thing called “real life” or But academics is really only tion like the paper, if there’s a Or Women’s Empowerment But then, it’s probably one the “real world” that college students a sliver of the College Experi- larger justifi able reason for its becoming its own full-fl edged of those things where it can’t put in ironic quotes to describe life after college. My own experience ence, and though it is an im- existence other than helping me club, complete with dollars and feel real until after the fact. My has been that I’ve actually gotten to portant sliver (we get a piece maintain my own semblance of subcommittees, working to- last paper will just be a sign of a be more honest in the past four years of paper for it, after all), the sanity over the past four years wards a sane and honest assess- break until I have to write papers than I think is accepted anywhere real life of college happens on without having to transfer to ment of our campus’ climate, again. My last fi nal will simply but a place like college—or at least the outside—in places like the another university7 like many of so that our university can actu- be a sigh of relief over another is allowed with being treated as a Sub-Basement From Hell, for our classmates8 ended up decid- ally be safer and better rather semester fi nally wrapped up. punishable offence. And also it lets you act as if real life is something instance, where I have spent ing to do. Or was it just that The than just appear so to prospec- Senior Week will be nothing if that college prepares you for rather countless hours plugging away Ram was that egregiously bad— tive students. Or at Rodrigue’s, not surreal, and sitting hungover than something that’s always with for this particular rag, i.e. the that egregiously Po, if you will. featuring some of the weirdest through Brian Williams’ speech you—which, insert Pink Floyd’s paper. But for most of Ford- The response that I’ve come and most loving people on a sure as shit won’t feel real. It “Time” here. ham’s student body, it has not up with to these feelings of de- daily basis. And then of course won’t be until after all of that, 12. It seems impossible to write been the Sub-Basement From jection about Fordham involves there are those that fall outside when a lot of painful, I-actually- a senior edit without getting to Hell, and has been more like a retreat into my own Ford- of Fordham extracurricular don’t-know-when-I’ll-see-you- this long list of names and inside- oscillating between a few bars ham sub-culture-type bubble— spectrum, and come into their again goodbyes have to happen, jokes. I tried to avoid it, but then that wouldn’t be honest, which see or house parties, ingesting al- where anyone fi nds meaning own on their own, as students and there’s a moment of blank previous footnote. So I’ll just cut it cohol or other substances and and satisfaction within their own or creators or whatevers, some space to process everything. off short with the knowledge that I generally bull-shitting around. college experience—, which of whose cases I fi nd the most Only then will it sink in that this could go on far longer than anyone I would never say this is nec- surprisingly has grown, despite heartening of all. thing, this long, yet short, time, would really care to read. essarily a bad thing, and I cer- some early and retrospectively Make no mistake: I am ter- fraught with all kinds of con- 13. Which, both are in good hands, tainly do my share of ingesting/ egregious alienating moves on ribly disappointed that Ford- fl icting feelings, is really, truly and reassure me that Fordham will bullshitting, but what I notice my part.9 From watching and ham is a place where people over. I’ll try and get back to you. maintain its “weird” element. page 14 the paper april 20, 2011 continued from pg. 12 big and loud as it used to be, but you take more responsibility at all these people you’re lucky helped shape you, and every- its getting sharper, clearer, with Rodrigue’s when it fi nally re- enough to call your friends. And thing you have to leave behind. As a sophomore, you realize smart humor and commentary turns to the building it had been some days, its hard to see how You want to say that you’re in- that you’ve become part of the and more aesthetically pleasing away from for two years, and life could be better, even when debted to all of them for sharing paper crew, and for some reason design. Additions to the family the people you had only known you’re fi ghting through a Sun- themselves with you, for four Bennie has decided that you’re keep coming—Sarah, Kaitlin, casually for two years turn day hangover to fi nish your sec- years of memories and poop his go-to guy when he’s short a Sean, Mickie, and later, Lenny, out to be some of your closest tion and write two papers. jokes and fi lling in the gaps of news article, so you write and Nick, Elena, Marisa—each one friends. And between the con- And when it come time to nights that get a little too hazy. read more news than you did talented and intelligent, and certs, lazy caffeinated days and leave college—to go out into You want to tell them all that before. the paper goes on pub- with a unique kind of intelli- nights, the drunken family par- the “real world,” get job, maybe you have nothing but love, re- lishing articles about the up- gence. Maybe sometimes you ties and dancing, and as always, get married and have kids, do a spect, and good wishes for each coming election, the fi ner quali- still feel like a fake for pretend- the paper weekends, now with thing or two that you’re proud of them—but the words are too ties of corn, and priest abuse ing to fi t in with people who less hesitation, more confi - of, and die—you feel something many, they get caught in your scandals without discrimination seem far superior in so many dence, you think maybe you’re swelling in your throat when throat, and you can’t; or may- but treating each with its due ways to you, but you’re still not faking it anymore, and you try to express how you be you could, if only you were gravity, and it’s nice to be part having fun, you’ve learned to maybe you actually belong with feel about the people who have someone else. of something that makes people drink better booze, and some confront serious issues but also nights nothing even seems laugh. And sometimes you all wrong with anything at all. get labeled some combination In other places on campus of elitist-leftist-hipster-asshole- and in the neighborhood, you pretentious-exclusionists, but begin to understand why you if being those things means and your paper friends stuck fi nding a group of people that it out in Rodrigue’s, and you can feel like a family then you get more involved. You start don’t really care. One day the to make friends with one of loud, large-personalitied editors the people leading the group, aren’t in the print shop anymore a girl whose eyes are always and you’re news co-editor with smiling behind her thick- an easygoing guy named Max framed glasses, and maybe who sometimes gets a little too you realize she is one of the crass for his own good, but is a most wonderful, truly beauti- nice guy and easy to work with. ful people you’ve ever met, And the editorial staff gets fi lled and she makes you feel the up with your friends, led by the same way about yourself— talented, infi nitely resourceful but you certainly won’t use Kate Murphy, and you notice a public forum to elaborate that maybe the paper isn’t as more on that. Thanks to her,

by Chris Gramuglia involved in a rugged, construc- one-thousand page Norton An- the way that civilian and ROTC for job offers in the future will STAFF tion-site bromance with Ben thology of literary criticism that bros, uh, love each other. Also, be that any publication who Affl eck that was contributing recently landed a role in a mov- I am enormously proud of the wants me to write for them must For a brief period during to my anxieties about fi nish- ie. My Norton Anthology will fact that Reslife used aforemen- put pictures of feces on their my freshman year I was deal- ing school. Also, my story ends be doing stunt work for Khloe tioned Arthur Avenue dwelling cover page at least twice a year ing with some heavy thoughts. somewhat differently than sim- Kardashian’s ass during her role as a teaching aid and/or mu- (sorry, Martha Stewart Living). I was considering transferring ply going to “see about a girl”- as Bane in the third installment seum for newly hired R.A.’s. Which brings me, of course, schools, taking a semester off -but you know that-- because of the Batman trilogy. From this After all, my roommates and to the paper. The adorably and--the most melodramatic of here I am writing a senior edit, you might say I discovered that I were just trying to help with suave and persuasive Alexander all spoiled undergraduate senti- ruminating on as opposed to oversized books fi lled with the the indoctrination process. Oh, Gibbons--my old roommate and ments--dropping out completely actually living that big, nebular blatantly opposing opinions of and a word to future R.A.’s: if a former editor--encouraged me and going back home with my “what if” regarding my decision one-foot-in-the-grave literary nice, blond woman named Amy to write for the paper midway tail between my legs to live with to stay in school. critics are about as useful as any offers you any Kool-aid or tapi- through our sophomore year mommy and daddy. single Kardashian oca pudding from the Reslife and, along with most experi- The only other per- sister--which is offi ce, defi nitely grab a cup; I ences I’ve had in school, writ- son I’d heard of at the to say, not very. hear both are delicious. ing and comparing poop jokes time who hadn’t fi n- Let me be more But enough with the jokes, (poop sizes, too) and opinions ished college and was clear for any Eng- sarcasm and infl ammatory re- for this publication has truly proud of it was Kanye lish majors want- marks about professors and become one of my greatest West, and I remember ing to hone their Reslife staffers. The real thing pleasures. Being a part this rag thinking to myself, I writing chops: I’ve taken away from my four fi ve times each semester was defi nitely don’t want YOUR THEORY years here is the notion that I an inspiring, integral part of my to grow up to be like CLASS WILL have become a (slightly) better growth as a writer and also as a that douchebag; he’ll NOT HELP YOU person almost entirely because dude who isn’t entirely ignorant probably disrespect WITH WRIT- of the people that I‘ve met. I of other people’s viewpoints-- that adorable Taylor ING. TAKE have made friends whose inces- even the ultra-progressive Ver- Swift girl one day at YOUR B MINUS sant ribbing and insults about monters who de-friend me on some award show or AND MOVE my Italian descent has given Facebook. something. ON! Yeah, I just me some of the toughest skin Now, everyone I know-- So, not wanting saved you all a imaginable, which I imagine parents, professors, my older to risk becoming the bunch of reading. will come in handy when the brother-- keeps going on about self-proclaimed voice You’re welcome. world declares war on Italy this proverbial “real world” of my generation, Another thing because of The Jersey Shore. stuff, as if I’m careening to- I stayed at Rose Hill, think- And as graduation looms makes me psyched for hav- I’ve witnessed unspeakable ward some place where people ing that, for someone like me, closer, the senioritis becomes ing stuck it out is that I learned spring-break antics involving work constantly and live mis- it would still have been better terminal, and I continue to how wonderful it is to bash a a wheel-chair bound prostitute erably and it rains all the time to get a job as a Chippendale’s struggle to stay awake in the human-sized hole in the wall named Cherri, lactating dogs (Seattle?). But if my decision dancer, or to chemically edu- astronomy class I should have of a building designed to shel- who unwillingly nourish bears to stay in college has given me cate myself in the parking lot taken freshman year (I swear, ter human life. There are few that live in the Caribbean Sea, anything besides a veritable li- of Food Emporium where the it’s not you, Hans, darling. It’s words that can describe how befuddled, demoralized Cana- brary of entertaining stories, old varsity football stars from me, really.), I can’t leave here excellently the abuse of prop- dian girls and a special kind of unshakeable friendships, a few my high school still, to this day, without admitting that I’ve ac- erty--specifi cally the sacrifi cial un-inhibiting shot infamously fake foreign accents, and hope- reminisce on ‘the glory days’ quired a whole lot of invaluable incinerating of stuffed animals, known as a “Shark Attack”--all fully a more functional brain, it while chugging forties. I was knowledge--knowledge that I playing of indoor golf, tagging of which have yielded some of has made me realize one thing: I a lot like Will Hunting, except wouldn’t trade even for a glim- of already destroyed walls, and the best memories I have to date. am never--no matter how long I I was hardly a genius who fi n- mering banana-hammock and a urinating out of windows--com- I’ve laughed until my balls hurt live, or what I accomplish--ever ishes people’s math homework bunch of intoxicated divorcees pliments a good, amicable ses- at things that I’m fairly certain going to grow up. And for that in the middle of the night be- tossing singles at me. sion of drinking with a bunch of I wont be allowed to laugh at priceless chunk of irony, I’m tween cleaning fl oors, nor was I For example, sitting in my raucous, camoufl age-sporting when I’m, you know, an adult- glad I hung around. room right now is a bulbous, people who you love--that is, in -though, one of my stipulations april 20, 2011 the paper page 15 arts Paul Shaffer’s House A Great Place To Get Drunk and Listen To Live Music Without an Hour Long Subway Ride by Bobby Cardos get up early for work), people most probably because they’re more grit. And also e.g. acoustic time and a sense of community. DEADITOR generally listen. simply not as tall as the 6+ foot folk punk acts, bands with harp- Bands will switch spots to keep The basement walls are also Steve, but you’ll usually see ists, all-acoustic shows, singing the crowds big and energy high, “$5. BYOB. No Assholes.” covered with random show fl y- them performing at some point over prerecorded songs accom- and there will be impromptu This could be a mantra of ers, textiles, and Paul Shaffer- during the night, whether it be panied by an insane homemade additions if a musician who’s a sorts for the Morris Park area related “memorabilia” (e.g. a in the four Yankou brothers’ No light show, Genuine Imitation’s friend of the house happens to basement that’s become Paul computer print-out of the man One and the Somebodies, Tur- almost Pere Ubu-esque post- show up. Shaffer’s House, a Bronx punk with Metallica taped to the wall bosleaze, The Genuine Imita- punk, or No One and the Some- After the fi rst PSH show I house that’s now been hosting with the words “Me, with Me- tions, or Kira Sassano perform- bodies who, in a recent show at went to was over, a girl ran in shows for over a year. I found tallica” scrawled on in Sharpie; ing solo, etc. Fordham, said something to the and up to Steve, holding a cas- out about the space about a year or the “Shrine to Paul Shaffer,” It is maybe good to note effect that “every one of these sette copy of Beat Happening’s ago, at the Titus that “punk” in refer- songs is about the military-in- Black Candy and asking f they Andronicus show ence to Paul Shaffer’s dustrial complex.” could put it on and listen to it at Fordham, when House is really more The list could go on, but the over the PA. He obliged, and a Kevin and Steve of an ethos thing than point is that there’s a wide range small group of us proceeded to Yankou, broth- music-related. They of sounds each time, brought hang out and dance to the fi rst ers/No One and defi nitely have punk to you by curatorial tastes you side of the album, with a friend the Somebodies bands play at their can trust. And it’s a small room, drumming along for a couple of bandmates/room- shows, and a lot of the where energy reverberates even songs, just because, before we mates, made an an- non-punk bands that more than the music does, mak- made the walk back to the Bel- nouncement about play have music that ing even the smaller shows full mont neighborhood (you can the house and How could you say “no” to the pros- promotes throwing of excitement and good vibes. also take the bus back, even if passed around fl y- pect of partying with this man? each other around and/ I’ve rarely gone to a show there it’s late at night. It just happened ers. Since then I’ve or dancing frantically, knowing more than one or two to be nice out). been going on and but every bill I’ve bands (if that), and have always For the minimal cost and off to the house’s seen at PSH contains left with someone else to get travel required, Paul Shaffer’s twice-to-thrice-monthly shows, complete with religious candles a bunch of different styles, House is where there really are no ass- from a bodega, sitting in a small all of which are interesting. something holes. recession above the sink, where E.g., my most recent excur- of a gem for The house where Paul Shaf- there ought to be knick-knacks sion to PSH was the April those who fer lives is actually a house split or something. In the bathroom, 1 “Boner Show,” curated love to see into two apartments, which the there’s a small picture of Paul by Sarah Dupuis of Quilty great live mu- residents, all of whom are con- Shaffer on the mirror with a and featuring Casiorossi, sic but don’t nected to the Westchester music speech bubble: “Hey, baby, I Dirty Dishes, Jesse Carsten always want scene, fi lled up, giving them likes the things you does.”). The Band, Ovlov, Quilty, Grass to make the free reign over the whole house kitchen area is usually fi lled is Green, and Turbosleaze 1.5-hour trek and yard area. The show space with dirty dishes. Sometimes (Packed bills are part of to Brooklyn. is in the basement’s kitchen/liv- for $2 you can go into the fridge PSH’s M.O.). Dirty Dish- Accessible ing area, which is cleared out and grab a beer if you don’t want es, from Boston, blasted a by taking the for each show. Walls are cov- to run around the corner to the wall of sound reminiscent eastbound ered with foam and windows are bodega, and other times there of more energized and, at Bx-22 to stuffed with pillows for sound are free, just-barely-expired Utz times, dissonant shoegaze. Morris Park insulation, which works quite snack products snagged from a Jesse Carsten plays lo-to-mid-fi excited about. Five dollars and Avenue, or a 30-ish minute well. Despite being in a very nearby distribution center in a garage rock that can be straight- your social lubricant of choice walk by going down to 180th residential neighborhood and large trash bag by the door. If ahead driving as easily as it can pretty much guarantees you an St. and heading east to Morris often having throngs of people it’s your fi rst time there, chances be stoned and downtempo. Ov- interesting conversation with Park Avenue, it’s worth check- spilling out into the street with are Steve will introduce himself lov sounds like the best of amal- someone you’ve never met be- ing out. For more direction-type beer and cigarettes between to you and invite you to drink as gamations of 90s guitar bands, fore. And the money you pay details, and to get updated on sets, the house has never gotten much as you want and hang out with the Dinosaur Jr. elements pretty much goes to help out the forthcoming events, check out a noise complaint. On the occa- as late as you want. really cutting through. Evening bands who are on tour, to help http://www.facebook.com/Paul- sions where Steve asks showgo- The other housemates aren’t curator Sarah Dupuis’ Quilty is defray their travel costs. It’s one ShaffersHouse. Just remember ers to quiet down (because the as easy to track down, maybe like a less lewd early Liz Phair, of the few music ventures that’s that it’s somebody’s home, so woman living next door has to because they’re quieter but with a bigger band sound and truly for the sake of a good no assholes. page 16 the paper april 20, 2011 URBAN DECAY ALIVE AND WELL IN HARTFORD, CT

by John O’Neil vention center, and offi ce tower the Gothic brownstone Soldiers STAFF FEARLESS URBAN have recently been built, though and Sailors Arch. Financed by EXPLORER the city center still remains a affl uent Hartford businessmen, place largely devoid of life and the arch is an impressive testa- Hartford, Connecticut is a residents. Suburban commuters ment to the memory of Hartford prime example of failed urban park in fortress-like structures soldiers who lost their lives in renewal and poor political lead- connected by sky bridges to the Civil War. The Wadsworth ership. Once a center of the in- towering glass and steel offi ce Athenaeum, the oldest pub- surance and banking industries, towers. Some are more modern lic art museum in the United the city has faded considerably and better designed than others, States, is another treasure locat- in both wealth and importance though none can compare to the ed in downtown Hartford. The in the last half century. Nowhere historic offi ce blocks that re- three story castle like building is does this decline seem more main. The urban situation only defi ned by a sand colored stone evident than in the city when worsens upon leaving the cen- exterior and thin fortress like walking through the tangled tral business district. windows. Also worth visiting is web of streets that is downtown Neighborhoods are crowded the Old Connecticut Statehouse; What: The Broolyn Flea Hartford. Previously crowded with streets lined with fore- the handsome redbrick colonial When: Weekends, 10am - 5pm with resplendent red brick and closed triplexes and single fam- hall is almost enough to offset Where: Fort Greene on Saturdays, Williamsburg on Sundays brownstone offi ce buildings ily homes. Ornate brick apart- the Brutalist monstrosity that is How Much: Free and warehouses, today surface ment buildings adorned with the XL Center. Why: Admit it, most of you have probably never been to Brook- lots and monstrously ugly and boards and “BEWARE” signs Hartford has the assets to at- lyn. It’s far away, hard to navigate, and full of stereotypes. But inhuman concrete offi ce tow- dominate the decaying north tract people back to the core, but now that the weather is slowly becoming bearable, why not make ers abound. Desolate pedestrian side. There is more activity in a frustrating series of incompe- a trip down to the Brooklyn fl ea market? Featuring over 125 malls snake their way through the blighted neighborhoods tent and corrupt mayors con- vendors selling everything you could ever want and then some, the cavernous remains of the south of downtown, though the tinue to doom the city. The car this is a great place to spend a Saturday or Sunday. Stop by and fi nancial center, leading to bus social situation seems nearly as is king in Hartford and walk- browse the jewelry, art, antiques, vintage clothing, furniture, and shelters occasionally teem- dire as that in on the north side. ing between downtowns assets more, then grab some fresh, local food from one of the many food ing with disheveled crowds. A Ethnic minorities have been left can be uncomfortable at times, vendors. pair of expressways acts like a to stagnate in these underserved but I would still call it a place tourniquet separating blighted blocks of crumbling prewar worth visiting to anyone who is What: Central Park SummerStage neighborhoods and the Con- structures, while the former resi- an admirer of great architecture. When: June 7th - September 2nd The neigh- Where: Central Park and other parks throughout the city Pictured: Urban Renewal. borhoods How Much: Free around Why: For those of you spending the summer months in New downtown York, SummerStage will be offering a wide range of concerts are inter- throughout the city. Some cost money, but many are free, and esting to give you a great opportunity to hang out in the sun and listen to look at, great, live music in a park instead of a sweaty indoor venue. though synony- What: Luna Park mous with When: April 16th - October 30th high crime Where: Coney Island and all How Much: $26+ the issues Why: Yes, it’s kind of far away, but an hour and a half subway that come ride is a small price to pay to see the iconic Luna Park and Co- with bro- ney Island in all of their glory. There’s even a new park this year ken com- called Scream Zone, with plenty of rides for your nausea-induc- munities. I ing pleasure. Unfortunately, it’s not cheap; an “unlimited” pass was lucky gets you 4 hours of rides for $26 on weekdays and $30 on week- enough to ends, but doesn’t include the Cyclone or Scream Zone. Just hop have a car on the D and ride it to its last stop, then go eat a corn dog and ride and exam- the Cyclone until you throw it up. ine them from the What: Beer Garden at Eately safety of a When: Late April metal cage. Where: 5th Ave, Between 24th and 25th Streets If you have How Much: Depends on how drunk you want to get the oppor- Why: Already a massive hit since its opening last August, Eately necticut River from what life dents have scattered for miles in tunity, I would suggest a ride is Mario Batali’s Italian megastore that combines a supermarket remains in the bland downtown every direction along the eight- down to the stately if isolated of fresh, gourmet ingredients with high-end food courts. The pre- offi ce towers. lane veins that pulsate through campus of Trinity College. The pared foods and grocery shopping should be enough to attract I feel a degree of guilt cri- the unremarkable sprawl. En- old money suburb of West Hart- anyone, but for those of you who are over 21, a 300-seat rooftop tiquing a city so harshly that forcing this conception is the ford is also a place worth visit- brewery is set to open in a few weeks featuring ales from three surely hundreds if not thou- fact that fewer than one in ten ing by car if one has the chance. different brewmasters. sands work on a daily basis to people in metropolitan Hartford Blocks lined with towering old improve, though I would be ly- are still residents of the region’s trees and the homes of rich in- ing if I called Hartford’s present primary city. dustrialists abound in the suburb state rosy. The 11-story G.Fox Beautiful architectural trea- and make it an enjoyable place Department Store downtown, sures still exist in the city that to spend some time driving once a brimming center of up- make Hartford a place worth around. scale commerce in the city cen- visiting. The Connecticut State It was Hartford’s laundry ter has been restored as the main Capitol, a magnifi cent marble list of potential and history of campus of Capital Community and granite palace designed in depressingly bad leadership and College. The college is certainly the Eastlake style, is adorned planning mistakes that com- a source of hope for thousands by an imposing gold dome. The pelled me to write this article. in metropolitan Hartford, but impressive detail and obvious Never have I been to a place so the concept of the store’s decline expense remind one that there frustratingly failing and beauti- and subsequent mild renewal is have been better times in Hart- ful at the same time. I wish the undeniably disheartening. Some ford. Across the street from the city the best as it struggles into positive developments have tak- capitol in the Frederick Law Ol- the future seeking to restore a en root: a new aquarium, con- msted designed Bushnell Park is semblance of what once was. april 20, 2011 the paper page 17 PIPE DREAMS happy 4/20 motherfuckers by Pep Pep bong is a good investment (@ rettes but they’re actually for STAFF STONER Loschert). Everyone will try weed. All you do is pack a little to be your friend if you have a bit of nug into the bowl light it If you’re not some dum- ROOR. But bongs break. I had and smoke. One hitters get the bass living under a rock I’m a friend who had an expensive job done. They make it easy to sure you’ve heard of bongs, bong and he was shattered when smoke everywhere at any time. bubblers, bowls, steamrollers, it broke. However there is an al- I’ve been known to leave class one-hitters, peace pipes, vapor- ternative, you could always just for a quick toke. The only prob- izers, gravity bongs, waterfalls, buy an acrylic bong. Those are lem with them is they get rezed blunts, joints, spliffs, roachina- pretty okay, too. And if you’re out and clog up. When that hap- tors, chillums, etc. There are still in fourth grade you can al- pens it smells like poop. many ways to smoke marijuana; ways fashion yourself a bong Now a sort of alternative each of them are great and have out of an old water bottle and a to smoking is a vaporizer. I’m benefi ts and disadvantages. pen. not gonna explain what a vap I’ll start with bowls. Bowls The bubbler: the beautiful is—if you don’t know you’re an are the basis of all pieces. They offspring of the bong and the idiot. Vaps are nice because they come in many different shapes, bowl. Bubblers are the shit, they conserve weed, get you baked, sizes, and designs. Bowls are rip and they look cool as fuck. and there is little risk of getting a stoner staple; everyone has However like glass bowls and caught in your dorm room. Just Who: Devits, Doubting Thomas Cruise Control, Das Ding or has had a somewhat decent bongs, these fuckers get broken make sure you keep hot girls When: 8 PM, Thursday 4/28 bowl and named it something a lot. around, the RA’s don’t think Where: Paul Shaffer’s House, 1808 Muliner Ave., Bronx, NY like “Mr. Frog’s Wild Ride,” or Our discussion now brings girls smoke weed. Drawbacks: How Much: $5, BYOB “Gandalf,” or “Uncle Muscles.” us to another variation of the vaps are expensive, and they Why: We all know you’re getting kind of antsy. The weather’s I had a really good one that I bowl. I am, of course, referring start to smell like shitty popcorn nice and you’re full of energy, yet you just don’t know how to used every day—then some to steamrollers. Steamrollers after a while. Personally, I don’t get it out of your system. Well Paul Shaffer’s House is the god- jackass broke it. That’s the are intense. I guess that’s why like vaping as much as smoking. damn place to do it. With regular shows featuring talented art- problem that bowls have: they it’s called a steamroller. They Now onto one of the most ists, you can dance your ass off, mosh till you drop (then get up classic methods and mosh some more), and revel in the most fun you’ll have till “Holy Christballs, that’s some dank Frankincense!“ of smoking weed the next show. ever: the joint. Joints are the shit. Who: Kid Cudi The best joints are When: 8 PM, Wednesday, 4/20 king sized joints, Where: Roseland Ballroom, 239 W 52nd St a good king sized How Much: $49 joint should get Why: Though Kid Cudi isn’t the best live performance $49 can you and a couple get you, you’ll be stoned enough where it won’t really matter. friends really Go because you’re a die-hard fan, go because you got nothin’ stoned and really better to do, go because you got cash burning a hole in your happy. If you don’t pocket (yea right), or just go because you can say you did. want to smoke a whole gram at Who: Cake once you can roll When: 7 PM, Thursday, 4/21 smaller joints. Or Where: Terminal 5, 610 W. 56th Street if you don’t have How Much: $35 enough weed you Why: Because Cake is delicious and you want some reaaal bad. can roll a spliff, but Whether you’re looking to get dirty with some sexy horn action I don’t really like or to dance like a mad-man/woman, this is a show you don’t spliffs because the wanna miss. tobacco makes it dirty. Fuck tobacco Who: Lightning Bolt, Humanbeast, Dogleather, 80’s Hardcore it’s all about can- When: 8 PM, Wednesday, 4/27 nabis. Where: 285 Kent Avenue, Brooklyn Another, pos- How Much: $12 sibly the most clas- Why: Professors getting on your case about that midterm you sic way to smoke failed? Signifi cant other broke your heart and stole your favorite weed, is the blunt. t-shirt? Bummed out about Sodexo pooping in your food for the Blunts are the best. past 6 months? Miscellaneously angry? Feel like kicking some- You always get one in the face? Go release your frustration; see Lightning Bolt stoned when you and others shred in BK with some seriously heavy tunes. Prepare smoke a blunt. The to fucking rage. best blunts con- tain about a gram. Who: Of Montreal, Painted Palms That’s standard. When: 6 PM, Saturday 4/30 break all the time. This is frus- get you retarded. However like No one wants a skimpy blunt, Where: Webster Hall trating, but marks a birth into a all pieces made from glass, they that’s weak. Roll your blunt How Much: $30.10 new era. I wouldn’t invest too are prone to breaking. with a Dutch Master, and when Why: Maybe raging isn’t your thing and you’d rather see a much money into a bowl, but Waterfalls and gravity you smoke you can use a roach- bunch of dudes dressed in god knows what rocking out to poppy occasionally it’s nice to splurge bongs are fun methods of smok- inator. Roachinators are like sing-along ballads. Well, here’s your opportunity. on something sick. ing. They get you ridiculously steamrollers and they get you Next I will talk about an stoned. In fact, probably the ripped. The only downside of icon, the bong. Everyone loves most stoned. You have to be in- the blunt is the wasteful nature Who:Titus Andronicus, Dinowalrus to rip a bong now and again. ventive and make these pieces of its preparation. A blunt pretty When: 8 PM, Saturday, 4/30 It’s a great way to kick back out of common water bottles, much costs $21.50. but you can Where: Music Hall of Williamsburg, 66 North Sixth Street and unwind after a stressful day. milk cartons, buckets, etc., but always get people to throw fi ve How Much: $15 It’s also a great way to start the it’s worth it in the end. The only on it. Why: Remember when Titus played Fordham last spring and we day. Bongs are probably my concerns with these pieces are Now that I have imparted all had a great time and Patrick Sickles told us that the band got favorite thing to smoke out of. portability and drowning. all of this information upon cut off early ‘cus we kids didn’t own the means of production? The sound the water makes as The discussion now turns you, go and smoke as you wish. Well MHoW owns their own means of production and will likely you take a hit is a timeless clas- to smoking on the go with the And if you don’t want to smoke let Titus rock uninhibited. sic. Bongs can be very expen- handy one-hitter. One-hitters you can always eat brownies. sive and if you’re rich a nice are the shit, they look like ciga- Brownies are the shit. page 18 the paper april 20, 2011 We're All Going To Die Might As Well Start Drinking Now by Nick Murray <3-u-capitalism real scientists. estimated, within two weeks. it’s easier to imagine the end of scientists are claiming that the DEADITOR No, these real scientists ar- Other ways the apocalypse the world than the end of capital- rapture will be arriving that very gue that the rise in global tem- might come, according to the ism. If I wrote that article now, day. Sayeth one: “A lot of people The last article of my col- peratures is part of a natural Emmy-nominated and Emmy- I might also talk about that oft might think, ‘The end’s coming, lege career. Time to exorcise cycle, one that will reverse the robbed Apocalypse How?: the cited but rarely read Fukuyama let’s go party,’…I wish I could some personal demons. In the Earth’s magnetic fi eld and wipe plague (an oldy but goody), article on “The End of History” just be like everybody else, but fall of 2009 I wrote in these out humanity, just as the Ma- nuclear holocaust (boooooring), and the decline of U.S. hegemo- it’s so much better to know that pages an article about new mov- yans predicted. climate change (the old-fash- ny. If the permanence and inevi- when the end comes, you’ll be ies that deal with the impending But as we all know, sci- ioned, manmade kind), aliens table expansion of fi rst-world safe,” words that you’re just as apocalypse. Years from now, ence, even of the junk variety, (not the kind that help you get liberal democracy signaled the likely to hear coming out of the when I’m editing the inaugural is boring, and no one watches over your parents’ divorce), and end of history, then perhaps, I mouth of some GBHP turd. volume of my Best New Writ- apocalypse movies to hear a something about a new ice age would suggest, the crumbling of I have personal sources too. ing by College Kids Who Have bunch of crusty old white men (unfortunately, I had been day that ideal and its economic basis They are not real scientists per Just Watched a YouTube Video talk about sun spots. Awaken- drinking and passed out during could only be comprehended as se, but they’re in a band and of a Slavoj Zizek Lecture series ing gets good when these white this last bit). the end of the world. they have informed me that in- of books, maybe it will get an men start explain- However, I’m deed “the apocalypse is coming, honorable mention. ing the chaos that Science. not writing that ar- oh yeah.” Like these Christians, But hours after I submitted Apocalypse How? ticle now, so those they’re looking at May 21 as my senior edit, I got an email has the budget to ideas will have to the big day, and on account of soliciting one more article, and animate. What stay in my brain, this graduation coincidence, I’m as chance would have it, I was will happen when where they will en- starting the think the might be again watching movies about the magnetic fi eld joy a pleasant but right. The world as I know it is the apocalypse. Today it was is reversed? Well, uneventful existence going to change drastically and 2012: An Awakening, a docu- fi rst of all we’re before someday be- after a week of binge drinking; mentary that explores the “just gonna have some ing crushed beneath there will be a lot of zombie- around the corner” “galactic bangin’ dreams, the bite of Mad Dog looking people vomiting up alignment that takes place once dreams so ban- 20/20. Today I’m blood. Does that happen dur- every 26,000 years.” Awakening gin’ that the shit interested in the ing the apocalypse? Either way, started slow. A bunch of what American Indians apocalypse less as there will be a bunch of demons another one of these docs, Apoc- came up with the an ideological effect to deal with, and I’m glad that alypse How?, might call “real last time this hap- than as something I got the why-did-you-write-a- scientists” trash the dominant pened has survived to this day. In that other article, I went that I fi nd personally stirring. shitty-article-about-the-apoc- discourse on global warning. Our dreams, however prob- in on the relationship between In a little over a month - alypse-that-no-one-probably- However, these aren’t yer run of ably won’t survive very long. recent interest in the apocalypse May 21 to be exact - I will be read-anyways demon off my the mill global-warming-is-a- That’s ‘cus when the electrical and the new left aphorism—I’ve graduating from college (for back now. On to binge drinking! hoax-so-let’s-keep-driving-our- grid is decimated, us fi rst-world seen it attributed to Jameson, more info, see p. 12) and as it SUVs-and-polluting-the-Earth- assholes will die, a real scientist Zizek, and a few others—that turns out, some real Christian Electronic Dance Music: not just for the Jersey Shore by Scott Forba as somebody combining the edits, and effects. Their produc- city, and the youth of these sub- personal tastes of DJs would fi l- STAFF THAT ONE GUY rhythm of a 56k dial-up modem tions became wildly popular in urbs wanted to set themselves ter through and give each area ON YOUR FLOOR WHO and samples of a dog puking the gay club scene of Chicago apart from their poorer inner- a certain fl avor. Since the ra- PLAYS TECHNO MUSIC onto a Theremin. The always and were considered the trade- city peers. They did so musi- dio stations primarily concen- WAY TOO LOUD mercurial hip-hop community mark sound of The Warehouse, cally by rejecting the R&B and trated on regional interests it hasn’t been ignorant of the or just ‘The House’ colloquially, early hip-hop of the ghetto in was much easier for a truly re- Electronic Dance Music, a popularity of this type of mu- and the style of music played favor of New Wave, Kraftwerk, gional community made of like- genre once relegated to the pe- sic and rappers co-opting house at Warehouse and other similar George Clinton, and Giorgio minded local artists to form. riphery of the mainstream, has beats and trance samples is the nightclubs became known as Moroder. These infl uences co- Today media conglomerates become increasingly popular to standard formula like Clear Channel own a large the American market since the for making a multi- It all sounds the same to old people. portion of full-power radio sta- 2001 release of Daft Punk’s Dis- million dollar club tions and satellite radio stations. covery. Growth has only sped banging single. Their preapproved playlists for up as festivals such as Electric What most listeners each genre and associated radio Daisy Carnival and New York’s don’t understand block are geared towards mass very own Electric Zoo Festival though is that the appeal regardless of the market, are attended by tens of thou- pillars of Electronic with little or no attention paid sands of people. Mega Clubs Dance Music were towards local acts or even the like Pacha New York or Web- laid in American musical tastes of the DJs them- ster Hall and Corporate radio regional scenes, not selves. Even clubs are falling stations devoted to Electronic in Europe as many prey to this trend with entertain- Dance have given DJs and pro- assume, and that ment conglomerates buying up ducers a popular legitimacy un- the very means by venues and providing an essen- heard of 15 years ago. Despite which the genre tially synonymous range of mu- this rapid rise in quantity, it does was catapaulted to sic. The creative groundwork not take more than a cursory mainstream appeal that made genres like Chicago glance to see that quality has yet are choking off House and Detroit Techno so to catch up. those regional scenes in which ‘House Music.’ alesced into a smooth funky interesting and unique is rap- In 2008, a scrawny Canadian musical innovation is cultivated. Techno, a similar but distinct synth-laden heavy with Afrofu- idly falling apart, replaced by by the name of Joel Zimmerman House music, a genre that genre developed at the same turist imagery. an emphasis on mass appeal captured American hearts, hips, is currently equated with Euro time only a 5 hour drive from These highly infl uential that allows the mediocrity of and dollars, under the moniker trash and the cast of the Jer- Chicago on I-94 East in Detroit. genres developed almost con- performers like Deadmau5 and Deadmau5 with a distillation of sey Shore, was actually born Around the same time Chicago currently and independently of Skrillex to be misconstrued as house and techno that can only nearly 30 years ago in Chicago. DJs were making stripped down one another even though they innovation and artistry. In short, be described as ‘boringly epic’ Frankie Knuckles and Larry Le- four-on-the-fl oor dance tracks are less than a few hours drive looking up the defi nition for the and an ugly bulbous helmet that van were DJs at The Warehouse, in with the remnants of disco, apart. This was possible due ‘lowest common denominator’ reminds one of a German Ex- a club that catered to Chicago’s middle-class black teenagers to the way the way music was yields the result: “ The most pressionist nightmare Muppet. gay black and latino communi- were also experimenting musi- transmitted before the days of basic, least sophisticated level The very recent ascendancy of ty. They would take disco hits, cally. The auto industry had cre- large-scale corporate acquisi- of taste, sensibility, or opinion dubstep cannot be ignored ei- strip off all but the most dance- ated one of America’s largest tions. Local radio markets were among a group of people.” ther, this undanceable mess of able parts and then mix said black middle class communities essentially autonomous bastions a genre can best be described parts with their own samples, in the suburbs surrounding the within their respective area. The april 20, 2011 the paper page 19 the paper’s big list

whateven worse, would curve into my body gig parkingwe cars outside do of Go! withtaken out of context, this$25,000 feed these poor people because by the paper instead of away from it. No sir! White Sox games; his own pad; journal will select quotes ap- they’re lazy. I see a lot of them STAFF OF MILLIONS SEV- I’ll have the curves to dress, the a DVR. If I could have Rove’s plicable to the current economic everyday. They just sleep all ERAL curves to impress. Even Woody $25,000, I would buy the best climate (i.e., drought), state of day. t has been an incredibly emo- Harrelson had a bigger butt than fucking therapy in history. I political activism (i.e., slack- Anyways if I had to choose Itional week for the paper me after blowing it off with his want electric shocks and psy- tivism), etc. so that post-grads between helping the poor peo- staff. We said goodbye to for- own grenade in “The Thin Red choanalysis and those clowns will be more prepared to deal ple or helping the polar bears mer editors (Now known as fu- Line.” that pop out on “Maury Povich” with the real world—not the I would probably choose the ture grandpas), we felt lonely in According to my extremely when someone says she’s afraid “real world.” In between quotes polar bears. When I was on the the Caf when students ran that quick Google search, butt im- of clowns. I could get my act to- about peeing in sinks, drinking plane fl ying to San Salvador effective boycott and totally plants go for around heavily, and general for my GO! trip, I watched the got their meal plan money back 9,000 bucks. Assuming “The boy’s bum misanthropy, gradu- movie “Planet Earth.” It was from Fordham (Isn’t that what that most people who looks splendid!” ates will have space to about polar bears. Did you know happened?), and we continued get them have at least an -Richard Atten- write down their own that polar bears die all the time? to grieve the loss of Knut the inkling of a butt before borough thoughts and feelings. It’s because of global warming. German polar bear. Mostly, we surgery, I’m thinking At the top of each So if we don’t stop the global watched precious gold coins I’ll need at least two at- page will be topic sug- warming soon then all the polar slip from our fi ngers, now wrin- tempts. That leaves me gestions to get thoughts bears would die. It is important kled and prune-like from our 7,000 left to spend my fl owing, like: “My In- for the polar bears not to die be- own tears. whole 25,000. That’s ability to Masturbate cause “Planet Earth” was really What stripes-clad cat burglar one awesome new ass Because I Live Be- good and what will they make stole our money? Why, it was and a whole lot money low my Parents’ Bed- future shows like “Planet Earth” Karl Rove and his trusty gang for new jeans. room” or “Thoughts about if all the polar bears are of College Republicans. Rove on My Third Interview dead? In conclusion, I propose received $25,000 in exchange MORE THERAPY at 7-11 for Just a Tem- that we buy a $25,000 ice cube for providing content equivalent by Marisa Carroll porary Position,” or and give it to the polar bears so to an episode of an “O’Reilly NEWS CO-EDITOR even, “Should I Sell my that they can be safe from glob- Factor” (see page 4). Like the Things just get real- Eggs?” I fi gure I’ll only al warming. brilliant slogan of “Kangaroo ly stressful, you know? need $25,000 to get my- Jack,” he took our money and Like, I don’t want to have to gether, leave this pinko rag be- self started, and from there I’ll A GIRAFFE he’s not giving it back (Did you wake up every day, every dron- hind, start writing for The Ram. be making mad bank. by Alex Orf know that “Kangaroo Jack” was ing day, and wonder whether or Maybe feel good about myself DEADITOR originally an R-rated drug cop not it will be different. Will it be or existence or whatever for FEEDING POOR PEOPLE Did you know that $25,000 drama that failed so poorly in different? Could it? My landlord TWO GODDAMN SECONDS. OR SAVING POLAR is not actually a lot of money testing that they removed the turns our heat on and off irregu- BEARS, WHICHEVER IS anymore? I mean, it is if you’re graphic sex/violence, threw a larly and I’m afraid to sound FINALLY START THAT BU- MORE IMPORTANT just using it for day-to-day ex- rapping Kangaroo in the trailer, like a coward by expressing that KOWSKI-THEMED INSPI- by Tanya Covington- penditures, but as far as major and then made a killing at the I’m too cold. No one has called RATIONAL JOURNAL Brantforth purchases go, $25,000 will box offi ce? Hollywood!) me back from my past fi ve job by Sarah Madges STAFF barely get me a plaque on a We have become fi xated on interview, just serving coffee, NEWS CO-EDITOR If I had $25,000, I would use bench or in front of a tree here what else that $25,000 could moving boxes type of jobs, If I had $25,000 I would it to do something really, really at Fordham. With this in mind, have become. Sure, there are ming you, and I’m questioning make an inspirational journal nice, like feed poor people or I’ve thought over the ways to many practical options that if all the Cathys from Human aimed at college graduates fi lled save the polar bears from global spend such a sum that would would help the Fordham popu- Resources actually exist, or if I with Charles Bukowski quotes. warming. I think that it is really maximize the wastefulness of lation as a whole. But that’s a actually exist. Is this what Marx Overused platitudes like “There important for us to pay more at- it without going over budget, little dull, isn’t it? How about meant by al-i-en-ation? My is no try, there is only do” tention to the poor people and and I’ve settled on buying a gi- fi reworks shooting off of Keat- fucking OCD is acting up lately (Yoda) will be replaced with to the polar bears, because both raffe, which Answers.com tells ing steps? Or a trip to Jurassic (and not that “I hate to lick sub- quotes more relevant to this spe- are disappearing quickly and we me cost around $25,000. Own- Park...with the real Richard At- way poles, I’m totally OCD!” cifi c demographic—say, for ex- need to make sure that we help ing a giraffe is the perfect way tenborough? If our wonderful, bullshit) and it them before they to seem rich when you’re re- incredible Scrooge McDuck took me forty fi ve all die of starva- ally poor, since it has the exotic diving into a money pit dreams minutes and thirty- tion/global warm- factor going for it but as long came true, what would we do six outfi t changes ing. as there are trees around it can with that $25,000? to leave the house When I was feed itself, and could probably on Saturday in the on my GO! trip bathe in one of the lakes in Cen- BUTT IMPLANTS leggings-as-pants in San Salvador, I tral Park, so upkeep costs are by Chris Sprindis garbage I wore the learned a lot about basically zero. In addition, the DEADITOR day before. poor people. It’s audacity required to own a large I would buy two things On my 20th like, really hard to exotic mammal in a cramped with 25 grand—an implant for birthday, my dad be poor. Imagine city of 8 million people could my right butt cheek and an im- emailed me the if you will a day instantly launch me to levels plant for my left butt cheek. As following: “Being in the life of a poor of hate-fame usually reserved a grossly skinny man, I have driven is one of person. You wake for people with much, much no ass. None. And I don’t like your best qualities; up at fi ve in the more money. I’d be that asshole it. When I sit in class on those along with your morning and you who takes up an entire sidewalk hard chairs it’s as if I’m sitting intelligence and don’t even have when walking my giraffe and on two elbows with a little skin sense of humor; a house, so if it’s charges kids $200 for a fi ve- stretched over them. Because of but maybe this raining you’re like minute giraffe ride--which, let’s this I have to slouch the whole year you can learn all wet and stuff. face it, lots of people are stupid time and I consequently have how to be driven Then you have to enough to pay. With the profi ts bad posture. My butt is ruining but also have the go to work, if you from giraffe rides, as well as my life. ability to soften up even have a job all the free shit I’d get for be- With butt implants, I will at times. You could to go to, and you ing “the giraffe dude,” I could no longer have to fear falling try to do this now don’t even have a basically have whatever I want into the toilet when I poop. My that you are on your Mom’s in- ample, “Sex is kicking death in car so you have to walk or ride and never have to worry about back will be straighter, I’ll feel surance it convers much more the ass while singing,” or, “My a bike or something. Some poor getting a job or shit like that. In better about myself, and people counseling than mine did.” ambition is handicapped by la- people don’t have jobs, so they conclusion, owning a giraffe is will start to treat me better. No Dad’s probably right. He’s got ziness.” Unlike quotes from Dr. can just sit around all day and the best thing you could ever do. longer will my jeans fall fl at or, his shit fi gured out: That sweet Seuss’s Oh, the Places You’ll think or something. I wouldn’t page 20 the paper april 20, 2011 april 20, 2011 the paper page 21 page 22 the paper april 20, 2011

Atmosphere The Family Sign Tom Sliwowski

The genre of indie-rap is something unique indeed: syn- thesizing the seemingly irrec- oncilable genres of soft, often- acoustic indie rock with rap (albeit usually an inspirational and contemplative type of rap), it is appreciated by few and un- derstood by even fewer. A lot of listeners have compared At- mosphere’s Slug to Kid Cudi, this couldn’t be farther from the truth; if anything he’s a lot more like Sage Francis; approachable and calm but nonetheless pro- found in his treatment of sub- jects. Others have said that Slug has gotten signifi cantly softer since his earlier works, losing his “edge that placed him at the o-hah bro-ha, it looks like his move into fi lm. David Sitek TVOTR fans like myself, who the hell am I doing, is this shit foreground of the underground Ywe’ve only got, like, three (guitars/bass/vocals/loops) and expect revelations from their re- really this terrible?” Answer: scene.” This is also wrong, he’s weeks of lame classes left till Kyp Malone (all of the above cords, Nine Types of Light is a I don’t even know anymore, not “soft,” he’s just matured, summer! Dude, personally I including drums) are multi- let down. and yes, yes it is. This album come to terms with his mortal- can’t wait: warm sunshine, instrumental masters (Malone is terrible. I found myself hav- ity, and contemplated this sub- gnarly waves, killer times with also possesses awe-inspiring ing a lot of trouble listening to ject, producing a thought-pro- all my bros watching total babes facial hair.) the songs all the voking album walkin on the beach as we rel- In short, I was thrilled to way through. as a result. After ish our daily half-hour of out- hear TVOTR’s new album All of the songs all, this guy’s door calisthenics, it’s gonna be Nine Types of Light. Unfortu- are straight up been through tubular! The guards even said nately, the album did not live garbage. Gucci some pretty we’ll be lucky enough to go up to my expectations. It isn’t Mane, I deserve tough times re- waterboarding instead of get- that TVOTR took a dramatic, better. cently (death ting tortured! Now I love surf- Kings-of-Leon-in-2008 turn I don’t think of his close boarding and skateboarding, so for the worse (well, unless you as an artist he friend and col- I’m sure waterboarding will be think sounding like a more alt has the right to laborating artist equally rad. I’ve been working Creed qualifi es as “better”). I Gucci Mane act crazy. And Eyedea, another out, gettin’ that beach bod all wasn’t surprised by Nine Types The Return of Mr. Zone-6 he is fucking crazy. In addition great indie-rap artist) and he’s the babes crave, but our meals of Light; in fact, four songs into Adam Miles Dixon to his trying-so-hard-to-be- clearly been putting a lot of here are protein defi cient so I the album, I announced to those iconic-and-doing-it-wrong ice higher thought into his music, a just look real scrawny and stuff. with whom I was listening, So I’m drunk and I fi nd out cream cone tattoo, The Gooch move characteristic of Slug and At least I get every issue of the “Hey, this new TV On The Ra- I have to write a review for the has spent the past week or of Atmosphere. paper. smuggled by Edouardo, a dio album sounds a lot like TV earwax. I didn’t want to listen to two behind bars for throwing And don’t worry, there are compassionate local fi sherman. On The Radio.” some hipster bullshit (here’s to a woman out of a moving car. hard songs on this album, “I The music choices here are sick Instead, I was let down by ya, The Ram) for this one so I He’s curently undergoing psy- Don’t Need Brighter Days” is dude! You should totally check how static I found Nine Types of decided I’d give Gucci Mane’s chiatric evaluation. a prime example. It has a slow, them out; this issue they’ve Light. With TVOTR, I predict new album a shot. I think this Anyway this album is re- heavy, driving beat and an exas- got a gnarly review of Gucci they will produce something was a good choice for the drunk ally bad. I think it’s bad because perated “fuck you all” feel to it, Mane’s awful album, a pretty ever the more unpredictable. mindset. It sounds just like the he’s clearly going insane and a feeling that everyone has ex- dope review of TV On the Ra- Instead, this album sounded shit the guidos it shows in his perienced: when all the patroni- dio, and a whole lot more! It’s more like a compilation of the on my fl oor lis- music. I feel zation and shallow comforting pretty righteous, dude. sleepier tracks from their last ten to on Fri- like I’ve heard become too much to bear and two albums. There were no days when they all these songs one reaches a breaking point. TV On The Radio power jams dotting an electric pre-game for before. There’s This song sounds a lot more Nine Types of Light landscape, just atmospheric the tri-bar. The nothing original Aesop Rock-y than Slug’s other Marisa Carroll synth and lulling guitars fl ow- beats are gener- about this al- songs on this album and will ing one song into the other. The ic and the lyrics bum at all. It’s surely please fans of his older In 2008, I lied my way into more rocking songs were “New aren’t really that just forgettable. work. This is also perhaps the jobs reviewing albums for The Cannonball Blues” and “Repeti- great. Gucci’s There’s better most popular song on the album Chicago Tribune and other le- tion.” The former sounded more like an e-tard- music to listen (going off of youtube views gitimate publications. That year, like a strange dubset remix of ed gangster: he does what he to out there. There is nothing alone), and it’s catchy indeed. I reviewed the art-rock band TV another, more low-key TVOTR wants (like getting a lightning- good about this album. None of “Something So—” is prob- On The Radio’s fourth album, track. The latter’s progression bolt-emblazoned ice cream this shit is even radio worthy. ably my favorite song on the Dear Science. In that review, I was tied to Adibimpe repeat- cone tattoo on his face vis. this And I have a pretty low opinion album. Guitar riffs and soft wrote that the ing, “My rep- album’s cover). It’s actualy a of the radio. Fuck that shit. singing give way to a rhythmic album’s “fi fty etition is this” pretty fucking novel tattoo idea; Overall this album and regular lyrical rap peppered breathtaking (I took AP Lang at least it sets him apart from sucks. Its approximately fi ve with ringing synth sounds which minutes…play in high school, all those other rappers who are times as bad as Rebecca Black, come to dominate the song. like a cohesive I get the rhe- painfully identitcal to him. The which means that it’s not only “They tell me/ I’m not quali- collection ideal torical device songs are pretty forgettable, just notmusic, it’s also dangerous to fi ed/ to lend my voice/ to some- for endless lis- there). It wasn’t like a night of drinking, and society. This album is so 2009, thing so beautiful.”A pretty emo tening.” Pretty unpleasant, but some of the beats sound recy- the year of the auto-tune. Like acoustic chorus gives balance to douchey, right? it didn’t get cled. That’s really not cool. For shit, we all remember how lame Slug’s rapping, which is pretty But I wasn’t my pulse rising instance track 5, “Shout Out to T-Pain was. Fuck that. At least I reminiscent of the work of kidding—I even as much as My Set”, sounds a lot like “Yel- didn’t pay for this shitty album. K’Naan and Sage Francis, espe- think TVOTR Dear Science’s la Diamonds” from his previous That’s probably the only good cially the latter, in terms of tone, is one of the most innovative “Dancing Choose” (which I was album Murder Was the Case. thing about it. rhythm, and subject matter. This bands to come around in my not in love with). Come on; if you’re putting song is, I feel, more character- lifetime, from their primitive None of this is to say that a something out that’s supposed istic of where Atmosphere is recording on Young Liars and more mellow TVOTR album is to be new it should be new. But I trying to go with their sound; OK Calculator to the spar- necessarily a bad thing. I would feel like that’s a universal prob- old fans may be disappointed, klingly produced Return To recommend Nine Types of Light lem in hip-hop now: the rappers but anyone who appreciates Cookie Mountain and Dear Sci- to someone less familiar with and producers are getting too the sound of Sage Francis and ence. Tunde Adebimpe (vocals/ TVOTR’s body of work, since lazy and unoriginal. Eyedea will be pleased. loops) is an inspired vocalist, it is more palatable to an unfa- As I listen to this album I “Your Name Here” is a very and I have thoroughly enjoyed miliar ear. However, for major ask myself one thing, “What interesting song. Minor chord april 20, 2011 the paper page 23 progression loops and strange ing it. But you do, because your the delicate harmonics and Meet Me on Eddie’s lyrics conveying one part of mom is standing right in front of intricate, layered composition a conversation in the second- you and you think you see tears that fi rst helped him gain no- Once again the twentieth of April is among us, a completely arbitrary holiday person give an almost eerie feel in her eyes. toriety as a composer. Most of that celebrates habitual devil-grass smoking (a hobby which we, as fine and to the song. What at fi rst seems This album is really bad. Hauschka’s work on Salon des upstanding journalists at a Jesuit University would never partake in). Since like a reprimand for a past lover The songs are full of boring, Amateurs is, like what came soon turns into a sort of self- repulsive verses. The guitar is before it, executed on the pre- the advent of jazz music in the 20’s, this pastime has often been tied very reprimand for past mistakes; a unoriginal and muddled. This closely to musicianship and progressive thinking and to the ire of reactionary schizophrenic internal dialogue album reeks of Dad Rock. It’s old white men decrying the modern era’s crumbling morality. So we here at which showcases the emotional 90s nostalgia for 30-year-old earwax think it necessary to devote a list to songs based on this unique rela- depth and contemplation which dudes who loved Pearl Jam. tionship which you, the reader, might enjoy listening to while not smoking characterizes indie-rap. It’s for men who have resided your jazz cigarettes not on eddie’s. So call it emo-rap, call it themselves to boring, trivial indie-rap, call it what you will, existences. Long ago they dis- but don’t call it soft, because carded their torn jeans and Madvillan - “America’s Most Blunted” rappers like Slug (and Eyedea fl annel shirts. They quit smok- Atmospheric and laced with the fragrant scent of burnt hemp, this is one of and Sage Francis) deal with re- ing cigarettes. They drink light my favorite sounds. This song is quite dank to say the least; Madvillian is aler and more profound issues beer. They wake up at 7:00am one of the best hip-hop duos of all time: rhymes by the mysterious villain MF than any mainstream rapper and commute 45 minutes to jobs DOOM and beats done by the genius producer Madlib make for a heady vibe. I’ve found. And, after all, isn’t that confuse and bore them but pared piano, augmented with everything from ping-pong Quasimoto, the ‘bad character’ of MF DOOM’s creation, even makes a guest that the point of rap music? To offer daily regularity and repeti- balls to tic-tac boxes placed be- appearance on the track. Give it a listen next time you use your a tobacco- use complex rhythmic to delve tion. They go to the gym after tween the strings. This practice only waterpipe to unwind. into the human condition? Give work. They use the cardio ma- achieves a wide range of tim- them a break, and maybe anoth- chines. When they’re done, they bres and tones on an ordinary er listen. fi nd their Honda Prius in the piano, and allows Hauschka Linval Thompson - “I Love Marijuana” parking garage and drive home. to personally compose and ar- They pop in the Foo Fighters’ range the tracks in an intimate This is a classic reggae track about a rastaman’s love for his spiritual herb. latest album, Wasting Light and and organic fashion. Through The melody is very catchy and leaves you falsly-nostalgic for the idealized silence their creeping feeling a meticulously prepared piano, word of beef patties, spliffs, and red stripe. Spirituality is emphasized here, of despair with heavy power Hauschka skillfully models his and Thompson talks about how good this stuff is for your soul and the unity chords. music to mimic some of the it creates among people. It’s some pretty nice green-themed inspiration. I feel thin. I feel like a low bass and ethereal noises Stretch Armstrong that’s been typical of House music. abused by shitty kids who don’t However, aspects of Quasimoto - “Greenery” respect their toys. My arms hang House are, at the same time, loosely at my sides like a pair of not entirely absent. For one, Another song produced by Madlib, this has one of the craziest beats I’ve ever fl accid dicks. My legs coil on there’s…………. heard. Mablib builds on this erratic foundation with some interesting samples Foo Fighters the fl oor like dead earthworms Wait, what the fuck am I which can’t help but make you wonder how many Dutch Master’s cigars he Wasting Light in the sun. I have long waited talking about? House music? unrolled while writing this song.n The lyrics are pretty far out, and the whole Alexander Gibbons to discard this terrible facade. Really? This is Volker Bertel- song is just all over the place yet somehow sticks together and sticks in your I want to run with wild dogs. I mann we’re talking about here, head. It’s a sticky song. It’s the perfect song to play during a good sessions I’m listening to this new want to hunt caribou and feast not goddamn Deadmau5 or of astro-traveling on the sticky green. Foo Fighters album right now. on its meat. I want to rise at whatever. He’s a FUCKING CONTEMPORARY CLASSI- It’s 4:21pm on a Monday af- dawn and drink in the tall grass. CAL COMPOSER. He writes ternoon. Outside the weather Don’t listen to this new Foo Rick James - “Mary Jane” songs on a prepared piano. is overcast, rain expected later. Fighters album—it’s really bad. There’s often a string quar- An absolute classic about everyone and anyone’s relationship with this her- I feel listless, a little tired, and tet. Why is this song “House maybe a bit nauseous from the baceous girl. Funky undertones prevail and set the stage for Rick James’ music”? Because it has some sensual dance with his only beloved and make you, the listener, appreciate meatball sub I scarfed down percussion in it? Well, that’s earlier. There is a general feel- your own love even more. The fact that Rick James sings it is especially dope, fucking stupid. You know cause he was the fucking man. ing of anxiety shadowing my what else has percussion in it? day. My taxes are due tonight, Polka. Hell, it even has a 4/4 as is an application to what may beat sometimes too. Does that Peter Tosh - “Bush Doctor” be an amazing job opportunity. I mean the cast of Jersey Shore hope I’m accepted into the pro- is gonna be pumping their big Peter Tosh warns that cigarette smoking is a dangerous hazard to your gram. I feel helpless and con- stupid fi sts to it? NO, ASS- health. As the bush doctor, he sends a heady political message about the fused, I feel as though I’m skid- HOLES. hypocrisies about our society’s views on drugs. People should just spark up ding across a pond covered in Yeah, this is a solid album. their special cigarettes and the police should start worrying about some stuff Hauschka is a great composer ice at an incredible velocity. I’m Hauschka that matters. Just toke and transcend all these arbitrary confines of society, who writes some beautiful waiting to stop, listening for any Salon des Amateurs rise above their shackles of ignorance and heal yourself, man. signs that the ice is breaking. I Sean Kelly music. But if there’s one thing hope I don’t fall in. God, this he’s not, it’s a stupid ass House Foo Fighters album is terrible. Though it has been touted artist. Shit, man. John Coltrane - “Giant Steps” These lyrics are sickening, by various music journalists like too much Easter candy on online and elsewhere as a ven- This is a phenomenal jazz song that goes back to the roots of the herbal-mu- an empty stomach. The choco- ture into House music, Haus- sic relationship. Jazz music is always a great choice but is especially pleasing late is cheap—it’s discount chka’s latest release, Salon des after you’ve clipped the roach, then you really get to appreciate the creativity chocolate. Your mom bought it Amateurs, is a bit too complex and improvisation. If you only listen to one song on this list, make it “Giant at the dollar store. Your dad got for such a casual application Steps,” reminisce about the past you can only dream of and meditate upon laid off last Fall and everyone’s of the label. Hauschka, the the history of the pastime you so enjoy taking part in. been making sacrifi ces. But recording name of Germany’s your mom really wants to make Volker Bertelmann, has not necessarily made a foray into this Easter special. She wants to continue the the (ill-defi ned) House genre, tradition. She but rather has wants to instill re-imagined and within you a re-contextual- sense of family, ized it starting a sense of com- with its most munity. A sense basic compo- that you can rely nent parts. on these people. She wants to First of put a stopper all, there is a on any emerging thoughts you distinct lack of, well, anything may be having about atheism. electronic in the entirety of the She wants you to associate good album. Rather than the heavy things with Easter, with religion, beats, washed-out synth build- with family. But the chocolate ups and general visceral mind- is terrible. It’s saccharine. You lessness that has come to defi ne have a hard time even swallow- contemporary House music, Hauschka focuses instead on page 24 the paper april 20, 2011