Parenting Beyond Belief on Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion
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Parenting Beyond Belief On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion Edited by Dale McGowan Foreword by Michael Shermer American Management Association New York ◆ Atlanta ◆ Brussels ◆ Chicago ◆ Mexico City ◆ San Francisco Shanghai ◆ Tokyo ◆ Toronto ◆ Washington, D.C. Special discounts on bulk quantities of AMACOM books are available to corporations, professional associations, and other organizations. For details, contact Special Sales Department, AMACOM, a division of American Management Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019. Tel: 212-903-8316. Fax: 212-903-8083. E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.amacombooks.org/go/specialsales To view all AMACOM titles go to: www.amacombooks.org This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. This book has been published in print form under the same title with additional content: the essays “Good and Bad Reasons for Believing” by Richard Dawkins and “Does God Exist” by Stephen Law. For these essays please consult the print edition. Poems by Yip Harburg appearing on pages 106, 139, 153, 170, 176, and 206 are © The Yip Harburg Foundation and are used with permission. For information regarding the following material used with permission, please see the page on which each one begins: “I’d Rather Play Outside” by Anne Nicol Gaylor, page 17; “To Easter Bunny or Not to Easter Bunny?” by Noell Hyman, page 83; “Oh Karma, Dharma, Pudding and Pie” by Philip Appleman, page 127; “The End, As We Know It” by Noell Hyman, page 154; “Thoughts on Raising a Curious, Creative, Freethinking Child” by Robert E. Kay, page 179; and “The Idea That Changed the World” by Kristan Lawson, page 206. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Parenting beyond belief : on raising ethical, caring kids without religion / edited by Dale McGowan. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN-10: 0-8144-7426-8 (pbk.) ISBN-13: 978-0-8144-7426-6 (pbk.) 1. Parenting—Religious aspects. 2. Religious education of children. 3. Free thought. I. McGowan, Dale. BL2777.R4P37 2007 649'.7—dc22 2006038883 © 2007 Dale McGowan All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. This publication may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of AMACOM, a division of American Management Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019. Printing number 10987654321 Contents Foreword by Michael Shermer vii Preface ix Acknowledgments xiv Chapter One Personal Reflections 1 Introduction 1 Navigating Around the Dinner Table 4 Julia Sweeney Thinking My Way to Adulthood 9 Norm R. Allen, Jr. Growing Up Godless: How I Survived Amateur Secular Parenting 13 Emily Rosa I’d Rather Play Outside 17 Anne Nicol Gaylor My Father’s House 19 Dan Barker Passing Down the Joy of Not Collecting Stamps 24 Penn Jillette Chapter One Endnotes 26 Additional Resources 26 Chapter Two Living with Religion 28 Introduction 28 Parenting in a Secular/Religious Marriage 32 Pete Wernick, Ph.D. On Being Religiously Literate 37 Rev. Dr. Roberta Nelson American Management Association • www.amanet.org <http://www.amanet.org/> iii Contents Choosing Your Battles 42 Stu Tanquist Teaching Children to Stand on Principle—Even When the Going Gets Tough 50 Margaret Downey Secular Schooling 55 Ed Buckner, Ph.D. Chapter Two Endnotes 62 Additional Resources 62 Chapter Three Holidays and Celebrations 65 Introduction 65 Humanist Ceremonies 67 Jane Wynne Willson Losing the “Holy” and Keeping the “Day” 73 Dale McGowan, Ph.D. To Easter Bunny or Not to Easter Bunny? 83 Noell Hyman Chapter Three Endnotes 86 Additional Resources 86 Chapter Four On Being and Doing Good 89 Introduction 89 Morality and Evil 92 Gareth B. Matthews, Ph.D. Behaving Yourself: Moral Development in the Secular Family 97 Jean Mercer, Ph.D. Take Two Tablets and Call Me in the Morning 106 Edgar “Yip” Harburg On Being Good for Good Reasons: Commandments vs. Principles 106 David Koepsell, JD, Ph.D. Chapter Four Endnotes 110 Additional Resources 111 iv American Management Association • www.amanet.org <http://www.amanet.org/> Contents Chapter Five Values and Virtues, Meaning and Purpose 112 Introduction 112 Double Vision: Teaching Our Twins Pride and Respect 114 Shannon and Matthew Cherry Seven Secular Virtues: Humility, Empathy, Courage, Honesty, Openness, Generosity, and Gratitude 119 Dale McGowan, Ph.D. Supporting Your Children in Their Quest for the Meaning of Life! 127 Donald B. Ardell, Ph.D. What Your Kids Won’t Learn in School 133 Annie Laurie Gaylor A Sixty-Second Reckoned Roll of Freethinkers Historical 140 Dale McGowan, Ph.D. Parenting and the Arts 142 James Herrick Chapter Five Endnotes 147 Additional Resources 147 Chapter Six Death and Consolation 149 Introduction 149 Before and After 153 Yip Harburg The End, As We Know It 154 Noell Hyman Dealing with Death in the Secular Family 157 Rev. Dr. Kendyl Gibbons Small Comforts 170 Yip Harburg Additional Resources 170 Chapter Seven Wondering and Questioning 173 Introduction 173 Little Bessie Would Assist Providence 176 Mark Twain Thoughts on Raising a Curious, Creative, Freethinking Child 179 Robert E. Kay, MD American Management Association • www.amanet.org <http://www.amanet.org/> v Contents The Family Road Trip: Discovering the Self Behind My Eyes 184 Amy Hilden, Ph.D. Chapter Seven Endnotes 190 Additional Resources 191 Chapter Eight Jaw-Dropping, Mind-Buzzing Science 193 Introduction 193 Teaching Kids to Yawn at Counterfeit Wonder 196 Dale McGowan, Ph.D. Natural Wonders 201 Amanda Chesworth We’ve Come a Long Way, Buddy 206 Yip Harburg The Idea That Changed the World 206 Kristan Lawson Chapter Eight Endnotes 225 Additional Resources 225 Chapter Nine Seeking Community 228 Introduction 228 Building the Secular Community—However Slowly 233 Pete Wernick, Ph.D. Summer Camp Beyond Belief 241 Amanda K. Metskas and August E. Brunsman IV Let’s Get Organized 244 Bobbie Kirkhart Chapter Nine Endnotes 249 Additional Resources 250 Glossary 251 Additional Resources—General 253 About the Authors 255 vi American Management Association • www.amanet.org <http://www.amanet.org/> Foreword A License to Secular Parenthood In the 1989 Ron Howard film Parenthood, the Keanu Reeves’ character, Tod Hig- gins, a wild-eyed young man trying to find his way in life after being raised by a single mom, bemoans to his future mother-in-law that you need a license to drive, have a dog, or even to fish—but they’ll let anyone be a father. The “they” here is presumably the government, which has, despite its intrusion into just about every other aspect of our lives, thankfully stayed out of the par- enting business. Nevertheless, the observation is a cogent one because when you become a parent there are no required courses on how to do it. I became a parent the same way just about everyone else has: by stumbling into it without any plan- ning whatsoever. I hadn’t given it much thought until it happened. But when it did, I learned how to parent the same way as everyone else: on the job in real time. Fif- teen years later I’m still learning. I wish I could have had a book like Parenting Beyond Belief when I was start- ing out on this endless (and endlessly fulfilling) journey. It is choc-a-block full of advice, tips, suggestions, recommendations, anecdotes, and moving (and often funny) stories from a remarkably diverse range of authors who make you laugh and cry at the same time. This is the first book that I know of on parenting with- out religion. It is almost a given in our society that kids should be raised with re- ligion, because if they aren’t, they will grow up to be juvenile delinquents, right? Wrong. Wronger than wrong. Not even wrong. The assumption is so bigoted and breathtakingly inane that it doesn’t deserve a debunking, but it gets one nonethe- less in this volume, from nonbelievers of all stripes, who show how and why rais- ing children without religion is not only a loving and ethical approach to parenthood, it is an honorable one. My wife and I are raising our daughter, Devin, without religion. There was no conscious decision to do so, no formal plan. We don’t believe in God and so the subject just never comes up. Since I am a social scientist, I am well aware of the powerful influence parents can have on the religious, political, and social attitudes of their children, so if I took any proactive steps in the parenting of my daughter vii Foreword in this regard, it was not to be proactive in influencing her too strongly in any one direction. As I told her in a letter that I gave her on the occasion of her transi- tioning from middle school to high school: Our beliefs about people, society, politics, economics, religion, and every- thing else are shaped by our parents and family, friends and peers, teachers and mentors, books and newspapers, television and the Internet, and cul- ture at large. It is impossible for any of us to hold beliefs of any kind that are not significantly influenced by all these different sources. Up until about the age you are now—early teens—your beliefs have been primarily shaped by your parents. And since I am in the business of researching and writing about beliefs, as well as expressing them in public forums, I fear that my own rather strongly held beliefs may have had an undue influence on you; that is, my hope is that whatever it is you decide to believe about whatever subject, you have thought through carefully each of those beliefs and at least tried to make sure that they are your beliefs and not those of your parents.