A Parenting Primer for Humanistic Jews

HUMANISTIC JUDAISM Volume XXXX Number 4 / Volume XXXXI Number 1-2 Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013

A PARENTING PRIMER FOR HUMANISTIC JEWS

Jerald Bain Rabbi Binyamin Biber Stephanie Blum Rabbi Adam Chalom Rabbi Daniel Friedman Dale McGowan Joy Markowitz Jennifer Naparstek Klein Baudelia Taylor

Wisdom from Wine: Demystifying Family Values

The Atheist Rabbi and the Orthodox Women’s Seminary

and more Humanistic Judaism is a voice for Jews who value their Jewish identity and who seek an alternative to conventional Judaism.

Humanistic Judaism affirms the right of individuals to shape their own lives independent Humanistic Judaism is published quarterly by the of supernatural authority. Society for Humanistic Judaism, a non-profit organization, 28611 West Twelve Mile Road, Farmington Hills, Michigan 48334, (248) 478-7610, Fax (248) 478-3159, [email protected], www.shj.org.

This is a combined issue: Vol. XXXX, No. 4 / Vol. XXXXI Number 1 - 2, Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013.

Signed articles do not necessarily represent the viewpoints or policies of the Society for Humanistic Judaism.

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Manuscripts are welcome and should be sent in care Journal Editors of the Editors, Humanistic Judaism, 28611 West MYRNA BONNIE COUSENS Twelve Mile Road, Farmington Hills, Michigan 48334. Three copies of each manuscript, typed and double- Managing Editor spaced are requested. Manuscripts not accompanied RUTH DUSKIN FELDMAN by return postage cannot be returned. Manuscripts Creative Editor may be sent to [email protected]; Word Perfect or Word documents preferred. Receipt of manuscripts will not be acknowledged. Editorial Board RABBI ADAM CHALOM ISSN 0441-4195 RABBI JEFFREY FALICK RABBI MIRIAM JERRIS RABBI PETER SCHWEITZER Humanistic Jewish Congregations & Communities Autumn 2012/Winter-Spring 2013 UNITED STATES MARYLAND ARIZONA Baltimore Jewish Cultural Chavurah, contact: Bob Or Adam, Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, contact: Jacobson, 2418 Sylvale Road, Baltimore, MD 21209, (410) Miki Safadi, 7904 E Chaparral Rd, Unit A110-278, 415-5199, www.baltimoresecularjews.org, baltimoresecular HJ FORUM: Scottsdale, AZ 85250, (480) 663-7788, www.oradam.org, [email protected]. A Parenting Primer for Humanistic Jews [email protected]. MASSACHUSETTS Secular Humanist Jewish Circle, Contact: Cathleen Kahal B’raira, Greater Boston Congregation for Humanistic Becskehazy, 930 S Goldenweed Way, Tucson, AZ 85748, Judaism, contact: Shari Gelber, 765 Concord Ave, 3 Humanistic Jewish Parenting: Theory and Reality Rabbi Adam Chalom (520) 293-3919, www.secularhumanistjewishcircle.org, Cambridge, MA 02138, (617) 969-4596, www.kahalbraira. [email protected]. org, [email protected]. 6 Humanistic Parenting Rabbi Daniel Friedman CALIFORNIA MICHIGAN 9 Parenting Beyond Belief Dale McGowan Adat Chaverim, Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, The Birmingham Temple, president: Les Kutinsky, 28611 13 Children of the Rainbow Rabbi Binyamin Biber president: David Borden, PO Box 261204, Encino, CA W 12 Mile Rd, Farmington Hills, MI 48334; (248) 477-1410, 91426, (888) 552-4552, www.HumanisticJudaismLA.org, www.birminghamtemple.org, [email protected]. 16 Our Biblical Father: Commentary on the Akeda Jerald Bain [email protected]. MINNESOTA 19 The Truth About the Tooth Fairy Stephanie Blum Kahal Am, president: Gary Zarnow, PO Box 927751, San Or Emet, Minnesota Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Diego, CA 92192, (858) 549-3088, www.kahalam.org, president: Richard Logan, 3140 Chowen Ave, S, Apt 303, 21 Humanistic Parenting: Three Stories [email protected]. Minneapolis, MN 55416, (612) 275-7081, www.oremet.org, Joy Markowitz Kol Hadash, (Northern California), contact: Kimberly [email protected]. Read, PO Box 2777, Berkeley, CA 94702, (510) 428-1492, NEW JERSEY Jennifer Naparstek Klein www.KolHadash.org, [email protected]. The Congregation for Humanistic Judaism of Morris County, Baudelia Taylor Orange County SHJ (OC Secular Congregation for contacts: Susan Herschman, Steve Sussman & Rob Agree, PO Humanistic Judaism), contact: Rosalie Gottfried, 3155C Box 217, Chester, NJ 07930, (973) 927-0078, www.chjmc.org, Alta Vista, Laguna Woods, CA 92637, (949) 422-3895, [email protected] or [email protected]. [email protected]. NEW YORK Pacific Community of Cultural Jews, president: Karen Beth Haskalah, Rochester Society for Humanistic Judaism, Knecht, 7238 El Viento Way, Buena Park, CA 90620, (949) contact: Barry Swan, PO Box 18343, Rochester, NY 14618- FEATURED ARTICLES 760-9006, http://pccjews.org, [email protected]. 0343, (585) 234-1644, [email protected]. COLORADO The City Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Rabbi Beth Ami – Colorado Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Peter Schweitzer, contact: Amy Stein, 30 W 26th St, 28 A Humanistic Rabbi’s Trip to Israel Rabbi Miriam Jerris contact: (720) 466-0101, www.bethami.com, [email protected]. #11L, New York, NY 10010-2067, (212) 213-1002, www. CONNECTICUT citycongregation.org, [email protected]. 33 Off the Path: Haredi Meets Humanism Rabbi Frank Tamburello Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Fairfield County, Kol Haverim, The Finger Lakes Community for 38 The Atheist Rabbi and the Orthodox Women’s Seminary Rabbi Jeffrey Falick (203) 226-5451, 606 Post Rd E, #542, Westport, CT 06880, Humanistic Judaism, P.O. Box 4972, Ithaca, N.Y. 14852- president: Jane Campbell, www.humanisticjews.org, info@ 4972, http://kolhaverim.net, [email protected]. humanisticjews.org. Westchester Community for Humanistic Judaism, contact: DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA Dimitry Turovsky, 84 Sprague Rd, Scarsdale, NY 10583, Machar, The Washington Congregation for Secular (914) 713-8828, www.wchj.org, [email protected]. DEPARTMENTS Humanistic Judaism, Rabbi Binyamin Biber, president: NORTH CAROLINA Nadine Wettstein, contact: PO Box 42014, Washington, DC Kol Haskalah, A Humanistic Jewish Congregation, contact: 20015, (202) 686-1881, www.machar.org, [email protected]. 134 Hunter’s Ridge Rd, Chapel Hill, NC 27517, (919) FLORIDA 929-5233, www.kolhaskalah.org, [email protected]. 2 Letters to the Editors Congregation Beth Adam, contact: Bob Fishman, PO OHIO Box 2579, Boca Raton, FL 33427, (561) 443-1769, www. Humanist Jewish Chavurah of Columbus, contact: Ellen bethadam.com, [email protected]. Rapkin, (614) 285-4522, www.hjccohio.org, cbushumjudaism@ 23 Wisdom from Wine Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, president: Susan gmail.com or [email protected]. Demystifying Family Values Rabbi Sherwin T. Wine Friedman, 3023 Proctor Rd, Sarasota, FL 34231, (941) 929- OREGON 7771, www.CHJ-sarasota.org, [email protected]. Kol Shalom, Community for Humanistic Judaism, 1509 SW Humanistic Jewish Havurah of Southwest Florida, contact: Sunset Blvd, Ste 1E, Portland, OR, 97239, (503) 459-4210, Cynthia Cook, 25051 Bainbridge Ct, #202, Bonita Springs, FL www.kolshalom.org, [email protected]. 40 Arts/Literature 34134, (239) 495-8197, http://humanisticjewishhavurahswfl. WASHINGTON Poems of Remembrance Helen Degen Cohen org, [email protected]. Secular Jewish Circle of Puget Sound, PMB 367 / 117 ILLINOIS E Louisa St, Seattle, WA 98102, (206) 528-1944, www. Beth Chaverim Humanistic Jewish Community, Rabbi Jodi secularjewishcircle.org, [email protected]. 41 In Review Kornfeld, Deerfield, IL, (847) 945-6512, www.bethchaverim. CANADA Child Rearing for Humanists: Two Guidebooks Barry Swan net, [email protected]. ONTARIO Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, Rabbi Adam Oraynu Congregation, Rabbi Karen Levy, president: Louise The Failure of Secular Society Walter Hellman Chalom, chair: Sue Talman, 175 Olde Half Day Rd, Ste 123, Sherman, contact: Roby Sadler, 156 Duncan Mill Rd, Ste 14, Parsing the People of the Book Bennett Muraskin Lincolnshire, IL 60069, (847) 347-3003, www.kolhadash. Toronto, Ontario, M3B 3N2, Canada, (416) 385-3910, www. com, [email protected]. oraynu.org, [email protected].

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 Humanistic Judaism Humanistic Jewish Congregations & Communities Autumn 2012/Winter-Spring 2013 UNITED STATES MARYLAND ARIZONA Baltimore Jewish Cultural Chavurah, contact: Bob Or Adam, Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, contact: Jacobson, 2418 Sylvale Road, Baltimore, MD 21209, (410) Miki Safadi, 7904 E Chaparral Rd, Unit A110-278, 415-5199, www.baltimoresecularjews.org, baltimoresecular HJ FORUM: Scottsdale, AZ 85250, (480) 663-7788, www.oradam.org, [email protected]. A Parenting Primer for Humanistic Jews [email protected]. MASSACHUSETTS Secular Humanist Jewish Circle, Contact: Cathleen Kahal B’raira, Greater Boston Congregation for Humanistic Becskehazy, 930 S Goldenweed Way, Tucson, AZ 85748, Judaism, contact: Shari Gelber, 765 Concord Ave, 3 Humanistic Jewish Parenting: Theory and Reality Rabbi Adam Chalom (520) 293-3919, www.secularhumanistjewishcircle.org, Cambridge, MA 02138, (617) 969-4596, www.kahalbraira. [email protected]. org, [email protected]. 6 Humanistic Parenting Rabbi Daniel Friedman CALIFORNIA MICHIGAN 9 Parenting Beyond Belief Dale McGowan Adat Chaverim, Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, The Birmingham Temple, president: Les Kutinsky, 28611 13 Children of the Rainbow Rabbi Binyamin Biber president: David Borden, PO Box 261204, Encino, CA W 12 Mile Rd, Farmington Hills, MI 48334; (248) 477-1410, 91426, (888) 552-4552, www.HumanisticJudaismLA.org, www.birminghamtemple.org, [email protected]. 16 Our Biblical Father: Commentary on the Akeda Jerald Bain [email protected]. MINNESOTA 19 The Truth About the Tooth Fairy Stephanie Blum Kahal Am, president: Gary Zarnow, PO Box 927751, San Or Emet, Minnesota Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Diego, CA 92192, (858) 549-3088, www.kahalam.org, president: Richard Logan, 3140 Chowen Ave, S, Apt 303, 21 Humanistic Parenting: Three Stories [email protected]. Minneapolis, MN 55416, (612) 275-7081, www.oremet.org, Joy Markowitz Kol Hadash, (Northern California), contact: Kimberly [email protected]. Read, PO Box 2777, Berkeley, CA 94702, (510) 428-1492, NEW JERSEY Jennifer Naparstek Klein www.KolHadash.org, [email protected]. The Congregation for Humanistic Judaism of Morris County, Baudelia Taylor Orange County SHJ (OC Secular Congregation for contacts: Susan Herschman, Steve Sussman & Rob Agree, PO Humanistic Judaism), contact: Rosalie Gottfried, 3155C Box 217, Chester, NJ 07930, (973) 927-0078, www.chjmc.org, Alta Vista, Laguna Woods, CA 92637, (949) 422-3895, [email protected] or [email protected]. [email protected]. NEW YORK Pacific Community of Cultural Jews, president: Karen Beth Haskalah, Rochester Society for Humanistic Judaism, Knecht, 7238 El Viento Way, Buena Park, CA 90620, (949) contact: Barry Swan, PO Box 18343, Rochester, NY 14618- FEATURED ARTICLES 760-9006, http://pccjews.org, [email protected]. 0343, (585) 234-1644, [email protected]. COLORADO The City Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Rabbi Beth Ami – Colorado Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Peter Schweitzer, contact: Amy Stein, 30 W 26th St, 28 A Humanistic Rabbi’s Trip to Israel Rabbi Miriam Jerris contact: (720) 466-0101, www.bethami.com, [email protected]. #11L, New York, NY 10010-2067, (212) 213-1002, www. CONNECTICUT citycongregation.org, [email protected]. 33 Off the Path: Haredi Meets Humanism Rabbi Frank Tamburello Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, Fairfield County, Kol Haverim, The Finger Lakes Community for 38 The Atheist Rabbi and the Orthodox Women’s Seminary Rabbi Jeffrey Falick (203) 226-5451, 606 Post Rd E, #542, Westport, CT 06880, Humanistic Judaism, P.O. Box 4972, Ithaca, N.Y. 14852- president: Jane Campbell, www.humanisticjews.org, info@ 4972, http://kolhaverim.net, [email protected]. humanisticjews.org. Westchester Community for Humanistic Judaism, contact: DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA Dimitry Turovsky, 84 Sprague Rd, Scarsdale, NY 10583, Machar, The Washington Congregation for Secular (914) 713-8828, www.wchj.org, [email protected]. DEPARTMENTS Humanistic Judaism, Rabbi Binyamin Biber, president: NORTH CAROLINA Nadine Wettstein, contact: PO Box 42014, Washington, DC Kol Haskalah, A Humanistic Jewish Congregation, contact: 20015, (202) 686-1881, www.machar.org, [email protected]. 134 Hunter’s Ridge Rd, Chapel Hill, NC 27517, (919) FLORIDA 929-5233, www.kolhaskalah.org, [email protected]. 2 Letters to the Editors Congregation Beth Adam, contact: Bob Fishman, PO OHIO Box 2579, Boca Raton, FL 33427, (561) 443-1769, www. Humanist Jewish Chavurah of Columbus, contact: Ellen bethadam.com, [email protected]. Rapkin, (614) 285-4522, www.hjccohio.org, cbushumjudaism@ 23 Wisdom from Wine Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, president: Susan gmail.com or [email protected]. Demystifying Family Values Rabbi Sherwin T. Wine Friedman, 3023 Proctor Rd, Sarasota, FL 34231, (941) 929- OREGON 7771, www.CHJ-sarasota.org, [email protected]. Kol Shalom, Community for Humanistic Judaism, 1509 SW Humanistic Jewish Havurah of Southwest Florida, contact: Sunset Blvd, Ste 1E, Portland, OR, 97239, (503) 459-4210, Cynthia Cook, 25051 Bainbridge Ct, #202, Bonita Springs, FL www.kolshalom.org, [email protected]. 40 Arts/Literature 34134, (239) 495-8197, http://humanisticjewishhavurahswfl. WASHINGTON Poems of Remembrance Helen Degen Cohen org, [email protected]. Secular Jewish Circle of Puget Sound, PMB 367 / 117 ILLINOIS E Louisa St, Seattle, WA 98102, (206) 528-1944, www. Beth Chaverim Humanistic Jewish Community, Rabbi Jodi secularjewishcircle.org, [email protected]. 41 In Review Kornfeld, Deerfield, IL, (847) 945-6512, www.bethchaverim. CANADA Child Rearing for Humanists: Two Guidebooks Barry Swan net, [email protected]. ONTARIO Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, Rabbi Adam Oraynu Congregation, Rabbi Karen Levy, president: Louise The Failure of Secular Society Walter Hellman Chalom, chair: Sue Talman, 175 Olde Half Day Rd, Ste 123, Sherman, contact: Roby Sadler, 156 Duncan Mill Rd, Ste 14, Parsing the People of the Book Bennett Muraskin Lincolnshire, IL 60069, (847) 347-3003, www.kolhadash. Toronto, Ontario, M3B 3N2, Canada, (416) 385-3910, www. com, [email protected]. oraynu.org, [email protected].

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 Humanistic Judaism FOCUS

What does Humanistic Judaism have to say about raising children? What parental goals and methods are consistent with a humanistic philosophy, and how do members of the movement apply them? In our HJ Forum, we explore what is special about humanistic parenting.

Also in this issue are reports on a Humanistic rabbi’s trip to Israel and on Hasidic Jews who reject ultra-Orthodox life; poems of remembrance by a Holocaust survivor; and a review of a new book by the Israeli philosopher Amos Oz and his daughter.

– R.D.F.

Ed. Note: The transliterations used in the articles in this issue reflect the authors’ preferences.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 1 LETTERS TO THE EDITORS

To the Editors: Metzia 59a-59b, but the complete story (which I Some years ago, when Rabbi Sherwin Wine visited admittedly omitted from my book) has a dark side. Denver, a committed humanist suggested we should The rabbis kick Rabbi Eliezer out of the academy identify ourselves as Jewish Humanists. Emphati- for refusing to accept the majority ruling. He then cally, Rabbi Wine responded that we are Humanistic wreaks terrible vengeance, using his supernatural Jews, standing firmly with our core identity. Surely, powers to kill Rabbi Gamliel, who is not only the what he meant was that we identify with the Jewish head of the rabbinic academy, but his brother-in-law! experience from its inception, but of course, without Even at its best, the Talmud has troubling features the supernatural. for Secular Humanistic Jews.

I raise this because, in spite of the excellence of As the author of Let Justice Well Up Like Water: the discussions about social and political action in Progressive Jews from Hillel to Helen Suzman, the Spring/Summer issue of Humanistic Judaism, published by the Congress of Secular Jewish Or- neither Jewish history nor the wisdom of Judaism’s ganizations and the Center for Cultural Judaism in wise men and women seemed of the moment. This 2004, I applaud the SHJ for its Humanistic Jewish is not an argument that tradition should control Role Model program. I agree with the choice of our positions; that is how some others proceed. Freud. but the article quotes Freud rejecting reli- But, we surely can find inspiration and guidance in gion as “the opiate of the people.” Wasn’t that Karl the ongoing development of our Jewish experience. Marx’s characterization? Otherwise, we are de facto a humanist organization. Bennett Muraskin Parsippany, NJ It seems to me that instead of making political statements about issues facing our society, we should Ed. note: We apologize for the errors with regard make public statements based on our understand- to Mr. Muraskin’s new book, which are ours alone. ing of Judaism. We are a Jewish organization, not Muraskin is correct with regard to the quotation a political one. Where does our heritage take us about religion as the “opiate of the people.” How- concerning Israel, abortion, LGBT issues, care for ever, Freud did make some similar statements on the needy and others? the subject. Bertram H. Rothschild Denver, CO To the Editors: It is disingenuous for Michael Egren to compare To the Editors: the interpretation of biblical passages to the inter- Rabbi Karen Levy’s positive review of my latest pretation of the U.S. Constitution. His is a case of book contains two mistakes. First, its title is The As- the proverbial apples-and-oranges argument. On sociation of Jewish Libraries Guide to Yiddish Short the subject of scripture, Sherwin Wine was simply Stories, and the publisher is Ben Yehuda Press. Sec- articulating a tenet of the historical critical ap- ond, she needn’t scratch her head and wonder why I proach to such documents as one finds in Torah omitted Sholem Aleichem’s short story, “Kapores,” and the writings when he said that their authors or because it is there under the topic “When Workers compilers should be supposed to have meant what Organize,” on page 15. they actually wrote. That also, by the way, is part

Allow me to take this opportunity to thank her for Letters continued on page 39 the review. Send your LETTERS to Humanistic Judaism, 28611 West Twelve As the author of Humanist Readings in Jewish Mile Road, Farmington Hills, MI 48334, or to [email protected] on the Folklore, published by the International Institute Internet. All letters become the property of this magazine. Letters may be edited or condensed. Shorter, typed letters will be given for Secular Humanistic Judaism and Milan Press preference. All letters should be signed originals, with the full in 2011, I share Bertram Rothschild’s enthusiasm address and telephone number of the writer. No unsigned letters for the “oven of achnai” story in the Talmud, Baba will be published.

2 Humanistic Judaism HJ FORUM: A Parenting Primer for Humanistic Jews

Humanistic Jewish Parenting: Theory and Reality by Rabbi Adam Chalom

Having worked as a Humanistic Jewish react. Upon reflection, we may decide to make leader and rabbi for fifteen years, I have an- different choices. But parenting is often a collab- swered many questions from adults and chil- orative affair. Both my wife, AJ, and I were raised dren about beliefs. Eight years ago, in “Dealing as Humanistic Jews at the Birmingham Temple with the God Question,” (Humanistic Judaism, in suburban Detroit, but our family experiences Summer/ Autumn 2004),* I tried to give ap- were very different because our parents and their propriate Humanistic Jewish answers to such choices were very different from each other. challenges as, “What do I say if other kids ask Her family regularly visited the cemetery where me what I pray for?” “X told me we’re not good relatives were buried; mine did not. She lived people because we don’t believe in God,” and in a largely Jewish neighborhood; I did not. We “X said we can’t be Jewish if we don’t believe sang different songs to light Hanukka candles; in God.” I presented two sets of answers: one both Humanistic, but different. And each family, aimed at children ages 7 and under, the other even each parent, applied Humanistic Jewish for children 8 and older. I was pleased at the philosophy and identity in their own way. positive reception I received from many adults, who found the answers helpful for themselves. As we became Humanistic Jewish parents, we had to make our own parenting choices, Although these answers were drawn from Rabbi Adam Chalom, Ph.D., dean of the International Insti- years of Jewish education experience, I did not tute for Secular Humanistic Judaism for North America, is become a parent in my own right until 2005. And rabbi of Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation in Lincoln- that is when theory collided with reality. Like shire, IL. He holds a doctorate from the University of Michi- gan and sits on the editorial board of this journal. His wife, most of my pre-parenthood theories, my perspec- AJ, is Humanist Giving Program Coordinator at Foundation tive changed once I actually became a father, and Beyond Belief and past chair of the HuJews Youth Committee even more so when my children began to interact of the Society for Humanistic Judaism. They live with their two children in Highland Park, IL, and they reserve the right unaccompanied with the outside world. to change their minds again the more they parent! Sometimes we subconsciously assume that *“Dealing with the God Question” also may be found online at http://www.myjewishlearning.com/beliefs/Theology/ the way we were raised is “usual,” and so our God/About_God/Speaking_about_God/Speaking_to_Kids/ default setting is to react as we saw our parents Humanistic_View.shtml.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 3 taking into account our distinct formative • Kids figure things out on their own: When emotional experiences. Fortunately, with it came to Santa Claus, we faced a double regard to those choices we share much more dilemma. We did not want to lie to our than we differ on. We believe that honesty is child, particularly since we are Jewish the best policy, and that a clear affirmation of and a Santa, if he existed, wouldn’t visit other people’s right to different conclusions is us anyway! But our daughter’s best friend the best model both for getting along and for and his family are culturally Christian and credibly demanding the dignity to differ with were definitely into Santa, particularly for the opinion of the wider community. If we promoting good behavior. Again, we took Humanistic Jews want to be respected while the wait-and-see approach, answering her disagreeing with others, then we have to be occasional question with, for example, willing to respect their disagreement with us. “Some people think there is, other people AJ and I believe even more strongly that a posi- don’t and make sure they get gifts for people tive focus on what we do believe, what we can they love. What do you think?” One day, do, how we are responsible is a better approach from the back seat of the car, out of nowhere than being on the defensive and defining your- she declared, “There can’t be a Santa Claus. self by what you are not. We have also made a How could he visit all those houses, and commitment to bring into our home such Jew- the reindeer would break the roof. And no ish experiences as Shabbat dinners, Passover one can get down a chimney – you would diets, and an occasional Havdala observance. die!” No more needed to be said. But even there, theory has sometimes yielded to reality; speaking Hebrew at home gave way • Give your children real, scientific answers to Spanish when our older child entered a dual to their questions: As with all children, language program in kindergarten. ours ask many questions each day. We try to give them scientific explanations to help A few key lessons learned from actual them understand their world. The other parenting experience: day, AJ was discussing with our 5-year- old son why it was raining, talking about • Your issues are not their issues: Our water vapor in the clouds. He turned to daughter says the Pledge of Allegiance her and explained the entire water cycle, a every day (in English and Spanish!) and combination of lessons received over time has not yet asked about those infamous from us and from PBS television. There two words, “under God,” added in 1954. is always a way to simplify a scientific Before enrolling her in school, AJ – on the explanation so children can understand basis of her own childhood experiences it; it just takes practice to translate con- – felt strongly that our child should not densation into “little bits of water com- participate in this ritual; however, we took ing together to make drops.” Later that a wait-and-see approach. Perhaps someday week, our 7-year-old daughter taught her one of our children will raise an objection brother the water cycle song from camp, or question what those words are doing which has now become part of our family there or whether we agree with them. Their song repertoire. school life doesn’t have to be one test case after another. If they have questions about • Don’t fear the traditional: Before we had this, we will tell them our honest opinions. children, we were struck by a story another If they have an issue with the Pledge, we Humanistic rabbi shared with us. Her son will absolutely support their expressing it. had come home from a Jewish Community They might decide they are just amused or Center preschool and told her that the indifferent, or come up with alternative Humanistic blessings she was using were wording that works for them. Our issues “wrong” and that he had been taught the don’t have to become their issues – they “real” blessings. We were very concerned will have plenty of their own to deal with! lest our children have a similar experience

4 Humanistic Judaism or feel alien in other Jewish settings or read consequences and experience rather than a Bible story and think the god character arbitrary commands, exploring the world was real. What we’ve learned is that we through reason and evidence, asking and do not have to isolate our children in a encouraging lots of questions, then your Humanistic Jewish bubble, and it wouldn’t children will get the message without work anyway. Jewish literacy does not didactic lecturing. This approach is much mean you believe everything you read, and more effective than “Do as I say, not as the experience the children have singing I do!” our songs, or our version of the traditional songs, creates positive emotional associa- • Give your children reasons for good behav- tions that can overcome the feeling of being ior: I’ve found that if I have the patience to different. Try singing “Ayfo Oree” to your explain discipline or restrictions with why children as a bedtime song. When they start the rule is important, it works much better singing it back, you’ll know that they know than “Because I said so!” If that works for who they are, even if other Jewish children ethics philosophically – not obeying divine don’t know that song. Our son has chosen commandments just “because” – why not to improvise the words to “Ayfo Oree,” at for everything else? the end singing not just “and in you” but rather “and in you, and you and you” (to Sometimes you can find just the right way all the people or stuffed animals in the to get the message across. My daughter still room). At a recent Society for Humanistic remembers a Yom Kippur family service dis- Judaism board meeting, AJ was introduced cussion I led a few years ago on the difference to a new version of “Ayfo Oree” that made between “need” and “want.” You don’t have a similar alteration to the original. to call it a “hierarchy of needs” to teach a lesson in humanistic ethics to a child of any age. • Kids learn by example: If you live a life of Living your life as a parent with Humanistic humanistic values, doing good because of Jewish integrity goes a long, long way.

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Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 5 Humanistic Parenting by Rabbi Daniel Friedman

No parent wakes up in the morning planning to make his child’s life miserable. No mother says to herself, “Today I’ll yell, nag, and humiliate my child whenever possible ....” Yet, in spite of good intentions, the unwanted war breaks out again. Once more we find ourselves saying things we do not mean in a tone we do not like. – Haim Ginott Between Parent and Child*

Why is parenting such a difficult job? Os- Sound familiar? “Drink your milk because tensibly it is the most satisfying and exhilarat- I say so.” “If you finish your homework, then ing of experiences: nurturing one’s own seed you can watch TV.” “If you want to go with us to maturity, to productive existence. Why is to Cancun, clean your room, be nice to your this wondrous opportunity for the expression brother, and go to Sunday School.” of love, benevolence, tenderness, generosity, and sensitivity so often fraught with tension, The Bible is but one source of the authori- unhappiness, failure, and pain? tarian, threats-and-punishment model of parenting, which has become deeply embedded One reason is lack of training. As our first- in the unquestioned assumptions of Western born emerges into the world, most of us parents culture. Mothers and fathers who long ago haven’t the foggiest idea what parenthood is abandoned the Scriptures as the word of God about. We have spent less time and attention still believe: studying how to be parents than we did learning to drive a car. Courses in parenting are rarer 1. That they own their children; than courses in cooking and needlepoint. Our main guides are the other ignorant parents 2. That therefore, they have the right to com- around us and the experience of our own up- mand them and require obedience; bringing, which (many of us are all too ready to admit) was botched by our parents; yet we 3. That the purpose of parenthood is to dis- proceed to commit the same mistakes they did, cipline children with rules, restrictions, even as we valiantly try to avoid them. prescriptions, and proscriptions so that they will grow to be responsible adults. We have another resource: several thousand years of accumulated “wisdom,” which This is the context in which families be- teaches us what parents are supposed to be and come battlegrounds and parents and children do. A venerated authority on parenting is the become enemies locked into bitter power Bible, which instructs us: I, the Lord your God, struggles. created you. Therefore I own you. And you owe me obedience. You must listen to me; and if you There must be another way, and, happily, do, and if you obey my commandments, I will there is. The alternative to the authoritarian love you and I will reward you. If you disobey, I will be very unhappy with you. I will punish Rabbi Daniel Friedman is rabbi emeritus of Kol Hadash Human- you with untold suffering. Whether or not you istic Congregation, Lincolnshire, IL, and a founding rabbi of the agree with my rules, you must obey them. As Society for Humanistic Judaism. This article is reprinted from your creator, I know better than you do what Humanistic Judaism (Summer, 1988). is good for you. *New York: Avon Books, 1965, p. xiii.

6 Humanistic Judaism mode of parenting is humanistic parenting, or psychologically. They may not physically a radical departure from the conventional abuse or humiliate, tease or ridicule their child philosophy of child-rearing. Like humanism without violating the fundamental principle of in general, it is not a very popular idea. It the parent-child relationship: Parents owe their contradicts the inherited wisdom of several child the conditions most likely to produce a thousand years. But it does seek to accomplish healthy, happy, independent person. These what most of us earnestly desire: to become conditions are children’s rights. the parents of happy, responsible, competent, self-respecting, self-confident children, who Independence is the ultimate purpose and will be able to live independent, creative, result of proper parenting. Ideal (not perfect) productive lives. parents are those who, through their behavior and guidance, enable their children to live on Humanistic parenting begins with the un- their own, as eventually they must. derstanding that parents do not “own” their child. No authority in the universe, including The best training for independence is the parents, owns human beings – this is human- experience of being independent. Parents who ism’s unique ethical principle. Children are not allow children to make their own decisions the property or the servants of their parents. (that is, who allow freedom) and to enjoy or They are self-owned human beings with the suffer the consequences provide far more ben- rights to which every human being is entitled eficial and realistic guidance than those who – only more so, because no child has chosen say, in effect: “Do it my way until you are old to be born. enough to think for yourself.” How can people learn to think for themselves (or learn anything This obvious but profoundly significant else!) unless they do it? fact imposes upon all parents an awesome responsibility: to live up to the implications Parents may offer suggestions and advice of their decision to bring a human being into and, through their example, may provide mod- the world. In general, parents are obliged to els of the behavior they hope their children will do everything possible to equip the child to emulate. They may help children understand live successfully in that world: not merely the implications of their decisions and point to feed, clothe, and educate the child, but to out the dangers (as the parents see them) of the provide the emotional, psychological, and “wrong” choices. However, unless children’s ethical environment within which the child health or safety is jeopardized, it is better to can grow to a wholesome maturity. The rights permit them to reach their own decisions, as of children with respect to their parents thus unwise as they may appear to the parents, than exceed those of human beings in general. All to undermine their judgment and indepen- other human relationships are (or ought to be) dence by overruling them. voluntary, and the individual is (or ought to be) free to terminate these relationships. The Children will make mistakes. (Don’t we child does not possess this option. He is an all?) They may suffer inconvenience, embar- involuntary member of his family and is thus rassment, or pain when they err (an important entitled to special rights beyond ordinary lesson to be learned at any age). They may human rights. cause their parents inconvenience, embarrass- ment, or pain (the price of parenthood). But Food, shelter, and education are not gifts to they will mature as the result. They will be be granted the child conditionally; nor are they better able next time to act wisely. The right to rewards to be given if the child “behaves.” They be wrong is as important to a child’s welfare as are unconditional rights, which parents owe is the right to nourishment. their children by virtue of having chosen to give them life. It is furthermore the duty of parents Let your children stay up too late. They not to harm the child physically, emotionally, will learn soon enough the value of a good

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 7 night’s sleep. (Nature is a better teacher than with certain friends, we deprive them of the are scolding parents.) Don’t force them to finish freedom to learn from their mistakes. their homework. Their performance at school and the inherent punishments and rewards will Freedom is not a privilege to be earned. It eventually convince them to study; and if not, is a child’s right as a human being. What better what, in the long run, does your standing over context in which to learn the meaning, value, them really accomplish? Sooner or later (better and difficulty of freedom than the family, where sooner!), each of us must do what we do for our the love, concern, and understanding of parents sake, for our reasons, for our happiness, rather help to cushion the blows when errors are made? than to satisfy the wishes of our parents. Is this not central to our humanistic philosophy? Humanistic parenting, then, encourages children to live their own lives free of the fear of We must overcome the impulse to protect parental force, punishments, threats, and ridicule. children from pain and shield them from er- The reward of humanistic parenting is not only ror by intervening when they are about to err. a child who has learned self-respect and self- By waking them up so that they won’t be late, confidence necessary for independent thought or typing a school assignment so it will be on and action; it is a child who will genuinely return time, or prohibiting children from associating the love and respect his parents have shown.

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8 Humanistic Judaism Parenting Beyond Belief by Dale McGowan

Parenting is an astonishing undertaking. amorphous the issues get, the less confidence After creating life – no small thing itself – par- we have. The gap between what you know and ents exert a direct and profound influence on what you feel you need to know as a parent the future of our species by helping to decide is enormous. what knowledge, attitudes, and values continue into the future. Should each generation hand And it’s into this breach of confidence that off a box of settled opinions to the next and traditional theistic religion confidently steps. say “Please pass the box along”? Conservative religious parenting operates in essentially this That’s what theistic religion is for – for way, conserving and transmitting a received, stepping into gaps, giving confidence in the predefined good. face of doubt. Parents raising a child in the context of an inherited theistic tradition get Some nontheistic parents ironically advo- the confidence that comes with a tradition cate the same technique with a different box hundreds of generations in the making. They of settled questions. I’ll yell at these people in join a lineage of parents measured in millen- the last portion of the talk, but for now let me nia, all nodding approvingly at the choices just pose a question: What if all we had today they have made. As a bonus, they receive the in terms of knowledge and values was what endorsement of the Creator of the Universe. previous generations had figured out for us? Would we be better off? Clearly not. That kind of thing does wonders for a parent’s confidence. What if, instead, each generation helped the next develop the ability to think well, to It’s not surprising, then, that millions of discover the world for themselves, and to im- completely nontheistic parents continue to take prove on our understanding? It is this model their children to mainstream theistic churches that the majority of nonreligious parents, as and synagogues. They don’t know how else well as many progressive religious parents, to close that confidence gap. But many end favor and practice. up wondering whether the benefits are worth the detriments. The Question of Confidence Regardless of the model they adopt, the All three of my own children attended a profound significance and complex questions preschool run by a Lutheran church. I won- surrounding the parent-child relationship lead dered at first whether I was going to regret most parents to feel underconfident to some that. In fact, the religious component was very degree, especially in the early years. This un- low-key and the academic quality very high, certainty, coupled with the intense desire to do and our kids received a basic, brimstone-free well, leads us to seek confidence and advice. exposure to Judeo-Christian ideas – a vital part of cultural literacy. Diapering, teething, tantrums, and similar practical concerns are easily laid to rest. But Dale McGowan is editor and coauthor of Parenting Beyond we quickly reach a point beyond which issues Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion and of increase in complexity and importance even as Raising Freethinkers. He teaches nonreligious parenting seminars our expert resources dwindle. Moral develop- nationwide and was named Harvard Humanist of the Year for 2008. He lives in Atlanta with his wife, Rebekah, and their three ment. Spirituality. Meaning and purpose. Deal- children. This article is reprinted from the Winter/Spring 2009 ing with death. Sexuality. The bigger and more issue of Humanistic Judaism.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 9 But one day when my son was 4, I became enting Beyond Belief. The book was released in concerned that something else had crept in. I April 2007 and has found a large and receptive was following him up the stairs of our home, audience of parents, often grateful and sur- and I said, “Connor, look at you! Why are you prised to find that they were not alone. This has growing so fast?” been the single most important achievement of the book – the simple revelation that there are And he said, “I don’t know. I guess God other nonreligious parents out there. just wants me to grow.” One of the definite feelings you get from My jaw went slack. It was his first com- religious parenting books is that the writers pletely incurious reply. He didn’t have to are representing an existing community, an care or wonder about his transformation from existing tradition. There is a set of unspoken infancy – he’d handed off the question to God. assumptions, a common lexicon, and even a I didn’t know quite how to respond in the mo- style of delivery that must seem very familiar ment without forcing my own worldview on and comforting to members of that commu- him, so I said nothing. nity. This is one of their real advantages, and it brings us back once again to the question Over the years the issues kept coming. of confidence. How do we talk to kids about death? How does moral development work? How can kids It’s not that nonreligious parents haven’t become knowledgeable about religion without been out there, of course – there are more than being indoctrinated into it? How do I avoid in- nine million in the United States alone – but, doctrinating them with my point of view? And until recently, it was not possible to say that a how do we deal with pressures from religious community, in any sense of the word, existed extended family? among nonreligious parents.

I went looking for the resources I figured Even though Parenting Beyond Belief is must be out there. There were a few essays more individual than communal, many people on the Web and a couple of memoirs, but not have described the feeling of a community be- a single comprehensive resource tackling ing born in its pages – that as you go through nonreligious parenting topic by topic. So, in this first gathering of these voices, you hear 2003, I decided to float a proposal to agents and them sounding the same themes, hitting the publishers for the first book on nonreligious same notes, coming to many of the same con- parenting. No takers. Their argument? If there clusions. That’s right – what emerged from were a market for such a thing, there would all these individuals was an amazing degree already be books on it. of consensus.

In 2005 I reworked my proposal, this time I was not ready for this. I was fully prepared with a twist: it would be an anthology, bring- for wild contrasts, for a din of conflicting views ing together a number of voices on the topic of from the twenty-seven freethinkers in the proj- nonreligious parenting. I created a list of eight ect. And yet, though there are differences, the main topics – living in a religious world, holi- surprising result was relative consensus on the days and celebrations, morality, values, ques- major issues in nonreligious parenting. tioning, science, death, and community – and developed a wish list of thirty contributors. In One of the benefits of consensus is confi- the end, all but three on my wish list said yes, dence, and out of that growing confidence, a including doctors, psychologists, philosophers, community is definitely coming into existence. educators, and everyday nonreligious parents. Influence vs.I ndoctrination Three weeks after my agent began shopping I want to turn now to what I’ve come to see the proposal, we had a signed contract for Par- as the central concern in nonreligious parent-

10 Humanistic Judaism ing. It isn’t morality, nor even mortality. It’s the This suggestion is often met with derision. question of parental influence, usually phrased Children are not in a position to critically as: How do I avoid indoctrinating my children evaluate what they hear! When they’re young, into any point of view? they accept things uncritically whether we like it or not, so influence is indoctrination whether If you want to see an atheist turn purple, we like it or not. call atheism a religion. To see the same color on a nonreligious parent, accuse him or her of The first statement is true. When they are indoctrination. It’s easy to see why. Indoctrina- young, kids will tend to absorb and reflect the tion is “teaching that demands unquestioning values and beliefs of their parents uncritically. acceptance of that which is taught.” It is the There’s a good reason for this. Children have precise opposite of freethought. It is the cheat the daunting task of changing from helpless that preempts reason, that makes it so difficult newborns into fully functioning adults in for people to think their way out of religion once about six thousand days. That’s why kids are they’re in it. “Give me the child until he is seven so credulous – they have to be. and I will show you the man,” and so on. My kids know and are surely influenced by Once in a while I do run across atheist my religious views. But I go to great lengths to parents who are determined to indoctrinate counter that undue influence so they won’t be their children into atheism. I once ran across ossified before they can make up their adult an online comment by an atheist mother who minds. That’s influence without indoctrination. said she would never “let” her child develop religious belief. She won’t let them? I’m not Freethought, not atheism, is the heart and even sure what that could possibly mean. foundation of my parenting. I am completely honest about my point of view, but I make it At the heart of indoctrination is the distrust clear to my children that they are invited to of reason. The indoctrinator simply can’t en- differ from me. I invite and expect them to ask trust something as important as [insert doctrine questions about what I believe and why, to here] to the process of independent reasoning. actively explore other beliefs, and ultimately But freethought parenting should have confi- to choose their own. dence in reason at its foundation. We ought to know that either reason leads to our con- Am I suggesting that theistic religious fami- clusions, or our conclusions aren’t worth the lies shouldn’t take their kids to the church or neurons they’re written on. Teach kids to think synagogue, shouldn’t fully engage them in the independently and, well, then trust them to do family faith? No. It wouldn’t be reasonable to so. And part of that education is encouraging ask that, as so much of the identity and context them to resist indoctrination of all kinds – even for religious families is bound up in their faith if it’s coming from Mom and Dad. community. I would simply like to see religious families remind their kids that the choice in the I have heard more than once that I am long run is theirs – and mean it. fooling myself. One Australian journalist put it this bluntly: “All children are indoctrinated by Key to this principle is the refusal to label their parents. It cannot be avoided.” In making children. My kids have believed in a fairly stan- this claim, he was confusing the concepts of dard version of the Christian God for months at indoctrination and influence. All parents can a time, but I did not call them Christians during and should influence their children, and that those times. Likewise, when they lapse out of influence is bound to be enormous. Influence belief, as they now have, I don’t want them becomes indoctrination only when you forbid calling themselves atheists. The one thing I them to question what they receive from you. value most in my own worldview is that I came For extra insurance, you should explicitly in- to it myself. Why should I deprive my kids of vite them to do so. that authenticity?

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 11 I encourage my kids to try on as many be- inspired – or for the community and fellowship liefs as they wish and to switch back and forth of other members. These, not worship, are the whenever they feel drawn toward a different primary needs fulfilled by these communities. belief. In the long run they’ll be better informed not only of the identity they choose but of those Too many freethought groups have drawn they have declined. their purposes far too narrowly. They are about inquiry, reason, the search for truth, and the That’s all I would ever ask of a religious rejection of religion. If freethought commu- parent as well – not that they forego sharing nities wish to build their membership well the experience of their faith, but that they say beyond the 60-ish white male demographic “Here’s what I believe with all my heart. It’s that currently dominates the rolls, they must very important to me and I think it’s true, but begin considering the real reasons people these are things each person has to decide for flock to churches and synagogues. It’s not herself, and I want you to talk to people who about theology. It’s about belonging. It’s about have different beliefs so you can make up acceptance. It’s about mutual support and your own mind. You can change your mind a encouragement. Most of all, it speaks to needs thousand times. There’s no penalty for getting beyond the intellectual into the emotional. it wrong, and I will love you no less if you end And these are among the greatest needs of up believing differently.” nonreligious families.

Imagine if that attitude were the norm. Humanistic Judaism is one of the most Imagine kids growing up with an invitation to successful and vibrant nontheistic movements engage these profound questions without fear. precisely because it is built not merely upon I don’t need a world free of religion – I’ll gladly the negation of theism, but upon the fulfillment settle for a world free of indoctrination. of universal human needs for human community. The nascent nonreligious parenting The Greatest Need movement would do very well to look to Hu- Among the enduring delusions among the manistic Judaism, Ethical Culture, and similar nonreligious is that religious membership and movements for inspiration as we seek our own practice are primarily about God. In fact, only best practices for building meaningful human 27 percent of churchgoing U.S. respondents to community without theistic religion. a 2007 Gallup poll even mentioned God when asked for the main reason they attend religious * *“Just Why Do Americans Attend Church?” Gallup poll services. Most go for personal growth, for published April 6, 2007. Available online at www.gallup. guidance in their lives, to be encouraged, to be com/poll/27124/Just-Why-Americans-Attend-Church.aspx.

12 Humanistic Judaism Children of the Rainbow: We’re Much More Than the Blue Stripe by Rabbi Binyamin Biber

Twice as many of the couples and children the whole – of their personal identities, their in my congregation, Machar in Washington, families’ ethnic/cultural heritage, their sources D.C., are multicultural as are of exclusively of values and inspiration, their spiritual paths, Jewish heritage. These statistics are strik- or some blend of these. Thus, an array of new ingly similar to those that exist throughout movements developed among American Jews the Humanistic Judaism movement and among during this period. Congregations and schools younger U.S. couples and families in which were created by the Secular, Humanistic, Re- at least one adult is of Jewish parentage. Ours constructionist, Renewal, and Havurah move- are the children of the rainbow, and our mem- ments. Various political issues became focal bership is much more than the blue stripe in points for new groups organized by and for that rainbow. To help these children grow up Jewish women, sexual minorities, and progres- healthy, we need to foster the development, sives (for example, New Jewish Agenda). not only of their Jewish identities and values, but also of the other diverse cultural “stripes” Secular and Humanistic Jewish groups that form the wholeness of their personhood. have been the most welcoming to intercultural Just as we explore, wrestle with, celebrate, and couples and families, and so our movement’s evolve Jewishness in progressive, secular, and affiliates appear to have higher proportions of humanistic ways, we should do likewise with such families than other non-Orthodox orga- the other cultural stripes in our mix. nizations. For example, my wife, Catherine, is Irish and I am one-quarter Irish, and although The statistics were significantly different we grew up in different ethnic and religious when our movement first emerged in the 1960s, communities, we arrived by our different but even then “the times they were a-changin.” paths at the same broad byway of humanism. Intercultural weddings were less frequent in Moreover, just as she celebrates with me the that period but were a significant enough phe- best in my Jewish heritage and supports my nomenon to move the U.S. Supreme Court in struggles with its most problematic aspects 1967, in Loving vs. Virginia, to strike down as – ethnic chauvinism, racism and sexism, unconstitutional the racist laws against inter- religious extremists and ultra-nationalists – racial marriage. During that same period, the likewise, alongside her I celebrate the best majority of Jewish community leaders – in the and struggle against the worst in Irish Catholic hip lingo of the day, the Jewish “Establishment” culture. Machar and all of our other Society for – declared that intermarriage among Jews and Humanistic Judaism affiliates include many non-Jews had created a crisis threatening Jew- intercultural couples and families like us. ish survival, a crisis some compared to the Ho- locaust. But, regardless of these denunciations I believe that our movement must integrate of intercultural marriage, Jews increasingly with and help build the growing multicultural chose to marry non-Jews. humanist movement of which our rainbow

Simultaneously, many Jews were moving Rabbi Binyamin Biber is president of the Association of Human- beyond conformity to religious law and other istic Rabbis. He serves Machar, the Washington, DC, Congregation for Secular Humanistic Judaism, and operates the Humanist authoritarian dogma, choosing instead to ex- Chaplaincy at American University and the Humanist Chaplaincy plore and live their Jewishness as a part – if not of Greater Washington, D.C.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 13 children are the harbingers. Five years ago, Resources during my sabbatical year, I began to explore Frederik Barth, Ethnic Groups & Boundaries starting a daycare/preschool for our congrega- (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1969). tion. I proposed drawing together humanists from a rainbow of ethnicities, with a focus on Lila Corwin Berman, “Sociology, Jews, and six communities where: Intermarriage in Twentieth-Century America,” Jewish Social Studies, vol. 14, no. 2 (2008), 1. a considerable number of local fami- pp. 32-60. [Online]. Retrieved 12/5/2012 from lies wanted their children to learn their http://muse.jhu.edu/. culture’s language, literature, and most Joel Crohn, Mixed Matches: How to Create Suc- enlightened values in a secular and hu- cessful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith manistic setting, rather than in a traditional Relationships (New York: Random House, religious one; and 1995).

2. an unresolved history of religious and D. de Anda, “Bicultural Socialization: Factors ethnic conflict was being addressed by a Affecting the Minority Experience,” Social significant number of people who wanted Work, vol. 29, no. 2 (1984). their children’s education to be part of a solution to such strife, rather than part of Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Re- sources (DI-IFR). [Online]. http://www.dove- the problem. tailinstitute.org/.

These two characteristics are found in six local Institute for Humanistic Education & Parent- ethnic groups that form three pairs of cultures ing. [Online]. http://www.playmountain.org/ with historical conflicts: the Jewish and Arab, ihep.htm. Turkish and Greek, and Indian and Pakistani communities.* I believe that bringing together J. Phinney& M. Rotheram, Children’s Ethnic So- diverse groups to educate our children can cialization: Pluralism & Development (Beverly help build a vital grassroots movement for Hills, CA: Sage, 1987). peace and reconciliation. Humanism provides S. Robbins, P. Chatterjee, & E. Canda, “Theories a key philosophical element in helping people of Assimilation, Acculturation, and Bicultural to resolve and transcend intergroup conflicts, Socialization.” In Contemporary Human Be- particularly those framed by ethnic and reli- havior Theory: A Critical Perspective for Social gious differences. Work (Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon, 1998). For two years I searched with one of my congregants – alas, in vain – for a possible Sherry Rosen, Jewish Identity & Identity Devel- location in or near an area where our congre- opment (New York: American Jewish Commit- gation had some member households with tee, 1995). preschool-age children. We connected with United Jewish Appeal / Jewish Federation of some interested families, educators, and fund- New York, “Jewish Community Study of New ing sources but shelved the project as the eco- York: 2011.” [Online]. Retrieved 12/5/2012 from nomic downturn decreased our resources and http://www.ujafedny.org/jewish-community- turned our focus to other pressing matters. Now study-of-new-york-2011/. that an economic recovery is slowly proceed- ing, I hope that such a multicultural humanist community development project can and will My aim is to recruit organizers from each be successful. of the above-mentioned ethnic communities to coordinate efforts focused on their own respec- tive groups, so that a core of active volunteers *Members of three other local ethnic groups – the Chinese, Iranian, and Irish communities – also have shown an interest from each of these constituencies can come to- in humanistic cultural education. gether to help start the “rainbow” daycare. Ul-

14 Humanistic Judaism timately, this program may grow to become the and cultural arts programming in the greater basis for a K-12 school with the same humanist, Washington area. multicultural, and peace education goals. But whether or not we pursue a K-12 school, my I encourage other Humanistic Jewish hope is that a successful daycare would help communities to consider undertaking similar Machar, the American Humanist Association, projects. We need to fully recognize and equally and other like-minded groups to serve the com- value the other cultural stripes in the vast munity by providing high quality daycare and and growing humanist rainbow of which we would recruit new members for our humanist are a part, both for the health and wholeness groups and movement. Eventually, I envision of our children and of generations to come, our buying and operating a building together and to fulfill our shared ideal of striving to as a home for our humanist organizations and be partners in the improvement of the world, a community center for progressive activism tiqqun ha-olam.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 15 Our Biblical Father: Commentary on the Akeda by Jerald Bain

In the famous popular Yiddish song of the of their children. This is what we expect of early 1900s, “Mein Yiddishe Mama,” there is a parents. We expect them to put their children’s line that reads: “durch feier un vasser volt zie needs ahead of their own. How then, should gelofen far eer kind” (“through fire and water we regard a father, Abraham, the mythological would she have run for her child”). I had such father of the Jewish people, who resolved to a Yiddishe mama. Not only through fire and murder his own son? water would she have run for her children, but through virtually any danger or deprivation. The Akeda – the biblical story of that near Selfless – passionate about the well-being of infanticide – has been a troublesome passage her children. She had struggled to raise them. for theological commentators and sermonizers. She would struggle to see them thrive, and so The theistic response, of course, is based on she did. two precepts that form the immutable foundation for responses to theological issues: God There is a beautiful Yiddish folk song about exists; and God is all-powerful, all-knowing, a father who works from morning till night and and all-good. God, therefore, can do no wrong; who has a young son whom he sees only infre- and if he can do no wrong, the theists must quently. Father comes alive with joy when he explain how God could instill murder into the arrives home after a hard day’s work and sees heart of a father. his son asleep in his bed. Various midrashim suggest that God never Ich hob a klayne yingele told Abraham to slaughter Isaac. All he wanted A zunele gor fein was a symbolic sacrifice. Then there is the view Ven ich derze eem dacht zich mir of some Hasidic rabbis who reject the idea that Die gantze velt iz mein this was a test of Abraham’s faith in God; rather the sacrifice is interpreted as a punishment for I have a small boy Abraham’s earlier mistreatment of Ishmael, A young son so fine. whom Abraham, at the urging of Sarah, had When I see him it seems to me banished along with Ishmael’s mother, Hagar. The whole world is mine. Another theory suggests that this was not a test of Abraham’s unswerving obedience to God but I had such a father who loved his children rather this was Abraham testing God’s moral – who worked to see them grow and who faced fiber. Others rationalize that Isaac was not a the kind of adversities that our children would young boy when this event occurred but rather have a tough time envisioning and compre- an adult of either 25 or 37 years and hence old hending. My parents undertook a journey of enough to have resisted his father if he wished, the unknown in an effort to improve their lot thus implying consent on Isaac’s part. There in life. And when children came, whatever they is also the proposition that the Akeda story wished for themselves became secondary to is really a metaphor for Jewish martyrdom in seeing their children maximize their potential.

Jerald Bain, a madrikh, is a member of Oraynu Congregation in To- These were parents who did all in their ronto, ON. This article is adapted from his presentation at Oraynu power to ensure the safety, security, and future Congregation’s Rosh Hashana Service on September 19, 2009.

16 Humanistic Judaism that the Jews are ready to give up life itself to The Akeda story tells us very clearly, sanctify the divine name. Another explana- “God put Abraham to the test,” not the other tion holds that since God could resurrect the way around, as some rabbinic commentators dead, even if Isaac had been slain, God would have suggested. The story also tells us clearly, have brought him back to life. This concept, of “Abraham picked up the knife to slay his son.” course, fits in with Christian doctrine, which The meaning is clear. Why complicate it with holds that God was willing to give up his son, imaginary possibilities because killing your Jesus, for the sake of humanity, much as Abra- son isn’t nice? That’s what the story says. ham was willing to give up his son, Isaac, for the sanctity of the divine name. The Akeda ends with Abraham and his servants departing for Beersheba – no men- All of these responses are rationalizations tion of Isaac. The commentators and writers based on the belief that God exists, that he of fiction have had a field day with what the can do only good, and that the details found story doesn’t say about Isaac being left behind. in the Torah are true. Why should Secular Was he actually killed and subsequently resur- Humanistic Jews care about this? Why should rected? Was he left to find his own way back we even introduce these Torah readings into home? And how could you leave a young boy our service and deliberate over their meaning, on his own in the wilderness, unless, of course, their message? Indeed, why? We repeat a story he was an adult by this time? Did he actually based on mythology and legend. We explore depart with Abraham and the servants despite commentaries of human beings who make up the reader’s not being told this explicitly? We stories about stories. We construct theories on could all invent a few midrashim about these the basis of no facts, no evidence. possible events. In fact, we could write a whole other book, a large part of which would be These stories are part of the historical jour- focused on Isaac spending many hours on the ney of the Jews and have come to be used in psychiatrist’s couch because of the psycho- traditional ways, such as having them read and logical trauma of almost being murdered by his commented upon at Rosh Hashana. Whatever father. What about Sarah? Did she know that we select for the expression of our Jewishness her husband had responded to a voice from the is open to debate, discussion, deliberation, wilderness instructing him to take her son to a and to being discarded if reason suggests that height in Moriah and cut his throat as a sacrifice is appropriate. to the owner of the voice? Can you imagine the scene when Abraham arrives home? “Bist In making commentary about the Akeda in gantzen meshuggah? Are you totally crazy, or about any piece of writing or about any you, the so-called father of the Jewish people idea or any thought, it’s not necessary to rely who can’t even be a father to his own son?” absolutely on the rabbis or on any authority if there is a text that we ourselves can read. We Is there anything in the Akeda story that can read. We can understand the words. We Secular Humanistic Jews can relate to today? Is can deliberate. We can make conclusions. We there a message or moral that has any meaning don’t need the priests to make conclusions for us? I can think of two: for us. We may expand our understanding of a tract or proposition by turning to outside 1. Abraham’s murderous intent was an act sources to help inform us about the historical of self-gratification in answer to a com- context of the story, about the political agenda mand from a voice that came to him under of the author of the piece we are reading so unclear circumstances. In achieving this that we can know why he or she selected cer- self-gratification he used his son as a chat- tain elements of a story and not others. But in tel, a mere thing, without considering the the end we can understand the story best by consequence for Isaac, for Sarah, and even the words that are there and not by what is for himself had Isaac died. Abraham used not there. his son as a means, not as an end in him-

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 17 self. Humans have a way of using others Identifying with the Jewish people takes for their own selfish purposes. This is the many forms. Attending a Rosh Hashana service striking case of the Akeda story. is one of them and for some it may be the only one – a time when Jews join with other Jews 2. Abraham bowed to authority without ques- as a community to consider what was right tion, without argument, without consider- and wrong about the year gone by and how ing all the facts. We do this constantly. we, as individuals and as a community, might We accept what we consider truths even improve upon the way we deal with ourselves though their validity and authenticity and our fellow humans in the year to come. remain in doubt. We acquiesce too easily to the power of authority, to the power of We humans are not saints, but we can the opinions of others. We are too afraid, strive to deliberate and weigh the possibilities ashamed, or embarrassed to stand out in what we do and say. We can make an effort from the crowd, to take a stance that is less to engage in acts that have saintly qualities and popular but nonetheless may be the right try to minimize and avoid altogether acts that stance from an ethical perspective. Blind are self-serving in a manner that intrudes on the acceptance may be the popular route, dignity of others. We are endowed with a privi- the route of least resistance, but is it the leged power, the power of choice. Exercising it right route? with insightful deliberation is the challenge.

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18 Humanistic Judaism The Truth About the Tooth Fairy by Stephanie Blum

As parents who are committed to raising and she agreed. I thought this was the end of our two children with humanistic values, my it. There was still my son who might find this husband and I have always emphasized critical fantasy fun. thinking. We have encouraged them to challenge ideas that do not make sense to them About a month later my daughter lost her while also being open-minded. I had no idea next tooth. I gave her a hug and told her she that raising them with such values would be a could take three dollars out of my wallet. But death knell for the tooth fairy. now she looked at me aghast. She explained that she wanted to put the tooth under her pil- When my daughter was 6, she lost her low, and she wanted the tooth fairy (i.e., me!) first tooth. I happily explained the tooth fairy to sneak into her room in the middle of the concept, and as I recounted that she would get night, after she was sound asleep, and swap money or a prize from a fairy in the middle the money for the tooth. of the night, she looked at me incredulously. And then it happened: a million questions. As Now I was confused. “But why?” I asked. an attorney, I was not usually the one being “You know I am the tooth fairy.” She explained cross-examined. Her questions came flying: that while she knew that I was indeed the “Well, how does the tooth fairy know that I tooth fairy, the concept and ritual were fun, lost a tooth? How do we contact her? How her friends were doing it, and she wanted to does she get here? So she can fly? How does participate. As I thought about her explana- she get into the house?” And I had an answer tion, it actually made sense. A lot of sense. To (or a white lie) for each of her questions, and me, her explanation epitomized why we chose each white lie begot another white lie. I knew Humanistic Judaism. She does not want to just it was not going well for the tooth fairy. At blindly believe in something that does not one point, exasperated, I just blurted, “Well I make sense to her but still wants to participate knew the tooth fairy from college, and so she in the rituals and traditions that bind us and told me how it works.” My daughter looked up give us meaning as a community. Do we have at me and point blank inquired: “Are you the to believe in something supernatural or magi- tooth fairy?” cal (in this case, the tooth fairy) for the rituals to continue? For my daughter, the answer is So I had a decision to make. Should I clearly no. She appreciates the truth but wants continue with this fantasy? Should I tell her to participate in the rituals that others have the truth? Believing in the tooth fairy is fun; I been doing for generations. did not want to take that pleasure away from her. And I certainly did not want her to spoil As a Humanistic Jew, I found the tooth it for her younger brother or her friends. So I fairy conversation with my daughter both chal- fell back on humanistic parenting. lenging and enlightening. Challenging in that I did not want her to have to forgo the fun of a I gave her a choice. I asked her if she want- childhood ritual because I could not weave a ed the truth or if she wanted to believe in some- convincing web of white lies. But enlightening thing fun. Without hesitation, she responded that she wanted the truth. So I confirmed that Stephanie Blum, an attorney for the Department of Homeland Se- I, indeed, was the tooth fairy. To my surprise, curity and an instructor at Michigan State University, is a member of the Executive Committee of the Society for Humanistic Judaism my daughter looked relieved and satisfied. I and co-chair of its Ethical Concerns Committee. She is a member urged her not to tell her friends or her brother, of the Birmingham Temple, Farmington Hills, MI.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 19 in that she taught me that she could have both: whether I was affirmatively teaching my chil- truth as she viewed the world with her own dren that there is no God within Humanistic sense of integrity and ritual and tradition that Judaism. I explained that I was actually en- was fun and had meaning to her. I am grateful couraging them to critically think and answer that I was able to rely on humanistic values in such questions for themselves. Then I asked dealing with the issue, a very helpful tool in her whether she was affirmatively teaching her navigating thought-provoking questions. children that there was a God.

I wonder how my Christian friends handle Critical thinking, rituals, tradition, mean- Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Once their ing, and integrity. Those seem to be founda- children discover that both of these characters tional blocks of Humanistic Judaism. For each are made up, do these same children pon- person, the “truth” or outcome may be differ- der whether Jesus Christ and God are made ent. Some rituals have more meaning for some up too? than for others. And that is fine. I respect not only the way my daughter handled the tooth One of my Jewish friends, who is more fairy, but how she approaches and questions conventionally religious than I am, asked me other aspects of the world around her.

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20 Humanistic Judaism Humanistic Parenting: Three Stories

God and the Facts of Life by Joy Markowitz

When our daughter was about 6 years old, our family was invited for lunch at the home of a colleague of mine. My husband and children (we also had a son, age 3) had not met this family with three sons about the age of our children. Our daughter, who was quite chatty, asked the host why they had three boys and no girls.

The host said “That’s what God gave us.”

Our daughter responded, “We don’t talk about God in our house.”

There were a few very uncomfortable moments, but luckily lunch was ready! In order not to embarrass anyone, we saved our parent-daughter chat until later. But this gave us a chance to begin talking with our daughter about the biology of procreation – at an age-appropriate level, of course.

Preparing for a Humanistic Bar Mitzvah by Jennifer Naparstek Klein

As my son, Caleb, goes through his Bar Mitzvah preparations, I am acutely aware of the style of religious practice that comes with my membership at The City Congregation of New York and the implications for my children. Caleb is not having the Bar Mitzvah that his father, my father, my father- in-law, and the other men in our families had. His will be unique and new. This year of preparation has pushed us, as a family, to explore our beliefs and our values, and I do wonder, if we had gone a more traditional way, whether this exploration would be occurring to such a degree.

Caleb and I have sat together at our family computer discussing and attempting to name his values, which is a requirement for one of the papers in his Humanistic Bar Mitzvah. Initially we could not find a compatible rhythm for this discovery process. I would say, “How about ‘education’?” He would say, “Nah.” I would retort, “What do you mean, ‘Nah?’ Education is important to our family. Then how about ‘kindness’? “Nah,” he would say. And so on. This went on for a while. Just when I was feeling that this task might be true agony to complete, his thoughts began to crystallize, and he came up with “acceptance,” and later, “intellectual passion,” and the one that really blew me away: “humility.”

Joy Markowitz and her family are members of Machar, the Washington Congregation for Secular Humanistic Judaism. They live in Takoma Park, MD.

Jennifer Naparstek Klein, Psy.D., is a member of The City Congregation of New York.

Baudelia Taylor is a member of Adat Chaverim Congregation for Humanistic Judaism of Los Angeles.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 21 I was floored by his precision in identifying what truly mattered to him as an 11-year-old. Together, with me as typist and him as author, we wrote about anecdotes from his life and family history that illustrated these values he had identified. I realized that he and I were doing something very special together, and I believed in my core that he was coming of age. The concept behind a Bar Mitzvah is the transition to adulthood, and I saw Caleb move from a child into an adult as he pondered and spoke about his values and beliefs.

In our family, we do not have many explicit discussions about belief in God and our atheistic orientation. My husband and I wish to leave this very abstract idea to our children to consider and decide for themselves. I feel, as a Humanistic Jew, that religious ideology is not something I want to implant in my children’s minds. I’d like their beliefs to evolve. Caleb is not sure how he feels about the concept of God, and I am fine with that. What I do care about is his evolution as a human being, and I can see this happening before my eyes.

Encouraging Divergent Thinking by Baudelia Taylor

My 10-year-old daughter and I joined Adat Chaverim, a Humanistic Jewish congregation, this year to explore our Jewish history and identity. We had celebrated holidays and discussed our heritage, but it seemed something was missing. It was important to me that my daughter could gather with other children that were open to the complexity of Jewish identity in a place that allowed and encouraged her to question while not judging her for thinking divergently.

We found such a place to gather and reflect each week in this congregation for Humanistic Jews. She loves learning lessons from the stories in Torah, as well as from other Jewish literature, in a relevant and thoughtful manner, particularly when she can act them out. Every Sunday she looks forward to Cultural School where she can learn to interpret her Jewish identity from a humanistic perspective in a welcoming environment.

coming summer/autumn 2013

HJ Forum: Let’s Eat! A Gastronomic Exploration of Jewish Culture plus From Orthodox Priest to Humanistic Rabbi: Reclaiming a Jewish Heritage The Prophetic Tradition: Is It Ours? ... and more

22 Humanistic Judaism WISDOM from WINE

In each issue of Humanistic Judaism, we are reprinting a selection from the writings of Rabbi Sherwin Wine that has meaning in our lives today. This article is adapted from his presentation at the Twenty-third Annual Meeting and Conference of the Society for Humanistic Judaism in San Diego, California, April 24, 1993. It was first published in the Winter 1994 issue of this journal. Demystifying Family Values by Rabbi Sherwin T. Wine

The family is the oldest continuing human 9) The ideal marriage is one in which nei- institution in the world. It has a long history of ther partner engages in extramarital sex. rules and regulations. Why? Because a force as powerful as sex and a need as important as the 10) The ideal marriage is one in which all appropriate rearing of children are incompat- the children grow up knowing that they, too, will marry. ible without rules and regulations. What are those rules and regulations that developed over 11) The ideal marriage is one that any the past eight to ten thousand years? thought or act of homosexuality will threaten. 1) The ideal family consists of at least a mother and a father. A lot of that has collapsed. We now live in a world in which at least one of every two mar- 2) The ideal family has many children. riages ends in divorce. We now live in a world 3) The ideal family is one in which the in which mothers work outside the home. We mother recognizes that her primary role is now live in a world of unisex, in which some- to produce and to take care of the children. times you can’t tell from the costume or the job whether it’s a man or a woman. We now live 4) The ideal family is one in which the in a world in which there is gender equality, father has authority. and the chain of command is not clear, and couples spend a lot of time on negotiation. We 5) The ideal family is one in which men now live in a world in which children feed know what male roles are and women on the largesse of their parents and then open know what female roles are, and they dress accordingly. Rabbi Sherwin T. Wine (1928-2007) was the intellectual framer 6) The ideal family is one in which children of Humanistic Judaism, founding rabbi of the Society for Hu- are reverent and obedient and do not talk manistic Judaism, and founder of the International Institute for Secular Humanistic Judaism, as well as a prolific writer, speaker, back to their parents. and public figure. He served as rabbi of The Birmingham Temple in Farmington Hills, MI, for more than forty years. In addition 7) The ideal marriage is one that is not to innumerable periodical articles, including the lead article in preceded by premarital sex. almost every issue of this journal, he was the author of Judaism Beyond God, Celebration: A Ceremonial Guide for Humanists and Humanistic Jews, Staying Sane in a Crazy World and A 8) The ideal marriage is one in which the Provocative People (all available from the Society for Humanistic two partners under no circumstances con- Judaism, www.shj.org). This article is reprinted from Humanistic template divorce. Judaism (Winter 1994).

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 23 their mouths and tell the parents off. We now In this world, women often became the live in a world of contraception, in which it property of their husbands, and polygamy de- is possible to have frequent sex without seri- veloped. If one wife couldn’t produce enough ous consequences. We now live in a world, children, and if a man was rich enough, he therefore, of sexual liberation. We now live could have more wives. And, since agricul- in a world in which homosexuality has gone ture now produced more and more food, the public – gone public and gone political, and is population began to increase and families grew demanding equality. We now live in a world in size. where there is hardly a family in which at least one person isn’t living with another person All of this was reinforced by the institu- without marriage. tion of religion, which in itself is a reflection of the agricultural family. Every family has at To better illuminate the significance of its head the papa. Therefore the community these changes, let me give a little background or the nation must have at its head the papa, drawn in large part from Helen Fisher’s the king; and the universe must have at its Anatomy of Love.* For most of human evolu- head the papa, God. These relationships were tion, people lived in a hunting and gathering justified by mythology. The story of Adam and culture. It was in that culture, which lasted for Eve is very clear: Women are the source of hundreds of thousands of years, that the family evil. They tempt men. Therefore, they must be emerged as a unit to arrange for the rearing of restrained. Woman is to obey her husband in children. As far as we know, monogamy gener- all things. ally prevailed. Men had to organize themselves into hunting parties, and if one man were to Ultimately this agricultural world fell monopolize all the women, that would have apart. We Jews were one of the first peoples been unacceptable. In this hunting culture, to enter into urbanization. And out of that there developed strong male bonding but also emerged an economic system called capitalism, a fair amount of gender equality, because while which revolutionized the structure of society. the men went hunting the women went gather- The fundamental unit of a capitalistic society is ing. Families tended to be small because food not the family. The fundamental efficient unit was hard to find and disease cut down the of a capitalistic economy is the individual who number of children. can move freely from place to place. It’s very expensive for the individual to schlep his family Farming caused the big change. About ten along. So the family interfered with mobility. thousand years ago, people settled down on the Also, the role of children changed. The role of land, and they developed the concept of prop- children on the farm is cheap labor. The role erty. They began to raid each other’s property, of children in an urban culture is that of para- and they developed organized war. In this cul- sites. Children are very expensive. You invest ture the owners of property were men, so there hundreds of thousands of dollars, and then, was male authority. In an agricultural world, when they’re eighteen, they go away to school cheap labor was needed, and the cheapest way and you’re lucky to see them again. Or they to get labor is to have babies. Thus, the function may show up when they’re thirty-two, having of women was to produce children and more failed the first time and wanting to come back children and more children; and every child home for a short while. So, having children in stayed and worked on the farm, and, when the a bourgeois culture suddenly becomes a matter parents grew old and feeble, the children took of choice. care of them. That is the world we think of as traditional. Actually, in evolutionary history, The consequence of this change was the it represents only a little drop in time. emergence of the nuclear family. The historic family was you, your mother, your father, your *Helen Fisher. Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Aunt Sadie, your Uncle Hymie, your zayde, Monogamy, Adultery and Divorce. New York: Norton, 1992. your bubbeh, and they all lived in a family

24 Humanistic Judaism compound. If you didn’t like your husband, Guideline 2: No choice is perfect. Life involves that wasn’t a problem. There was always weighing advantages against disadvantages. somebody else in the family you could talk Take a woman in a hopelessly troubled mar- to. Today, two people live alone. They have riage who is considering divorce. The advan- moved to San Diego. They could have moved tage is that she would be free of this impossible to Detroit or Chicago. It’s the new urban world. relationship forever. The disadvantage is that You now have nuclear families. A nuclear fam- her child, who is deeply attached to his father, ily is this vulnerable couple without bubbeh, would suffer the consequences. If you’re a re- without zayde, without Aunt Sadie, without alist, you recognize that all lifestyle decisions Uncle Hymie, and they’re there in the house have both advantages and disadvantages. together. And, because of medical science, they may stay together for sixty years. In addition, Guideline 3: Dignity is the need to be increas- in an urban capitalist culture, men and women ingly in control of one’s own life. A resulting no longer work together as on the farm. When value that we treasure highly in our culture the nuclear family emerged, the husband began is individualism. I as an individual have the leaving the house to go to work, and the woman right to be the master of my own life, to make was left alone with the children. my own choices. It’s a fairly new idea – only an affluent culture can produce it. I know Now we have another tremendous change somebody who has decided to remain single. in family life. How do we evaluate it? She likes having her own space. She likes being in charge of her own life and not having to When we as Humanistic Jews deal with go through continuous negotiation, which she the question of family values, we do not ask, did for six years in a marriage that didn’t work “What is it that God commands?” We try to because she didn’t want to compromise. This find answers by turning to the authority that we is her space, this is her life, and she likes it. recognize, the moral authority that lies within us. That authority consists of three things. First, Guideline 4: Life is always a balancing act our needs. It is legitimate to say that a moral between the personal agenda and the social enterprise should serve basic human needs; agenda. Let’s take the situation of the woman but what are our needs? A lot of people are who is unhappy in her marriage. If she did not deceived as to their needs. The second source have a child, she would sever the relationship. of moral authority is reason. Reason says, But there is a child, and he might be adversely “What will happen if I do this? What are the affected. So she may say to herself, “Well, I’m consequences for me and for other people?” only moderately unhappy.” And the third is conscience or empathy, the ability to identify with the pain and suffering Guideline 5: The test of moral behavior is the of other people. So, referring to the moral au- consequences. Studies have been done on the thority embodied in human needs, reason, and long-term consequences of divorce. The find- conscience, I have, not ten commandments, but ings are that the children of divorce have less ten suggestions or guidelines. stable lives and perform less well in school, on the average, than children whose parents Guideline 1: There are no absolute rights. remain married. Of course, there are instances Ultimately all rights are tempered by virtue of of success, but divorce can be a traumatic event living in a community. There is a moment when for children, and whoever makes the decision the community is surrounded by the enemy, has to weigh carefully the consequences. and you have to defend it, and you say, “I don’t believe in the draft,” but you fight. There is Guideline 6: Every decision has social conse- the moment when somebody says, “I am your quences. If you live in society, there is nothing parent, I have an absolute right to control you,” you do – nothing! – that does not have social and you say, “Not if you’re abusing me.” It’s not consequences. Everybody who acts in a society an absolute right. is a role model. If you have a lot of promiscu-

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 25 ous people in your neighborhood, they’re role there are some people who are single, whose models for the children. If you have a lot of family consists of themselves and their friends. single people, they’re role models for children. I know a lot of people who develop very ef- If you have a lot of gay people, they’re also fective friendship circles. To be a friend today role models. means more than it meant a hundred years ago because today you often can’t call up your Guideline 7: Parenting is the primary profes- cousin, or in some cases even your brother or sion. Without the raising of children who can your sister. The family of choice that you call function adequately in society, the society has upon in a moment of crisis is your family. no future. Generally, two parents are better than one: a man and a woman, two women, A family, therefore, is a partnership or a two men, whatever – but two parents. Some- group of people that is bound together by three times the father is the better parent. I know things: love, and by that I mean nurturing be- two situations in which the man has decided havior; respect, which means that I choose to to stay home, and the woman goes to work. protect the dignity of the other person in this It’s a very rational relationship. The roles relationship; and loyalty, which means that have been reversed, and, consequentially, when problems occur I am willing to put forth it works. effort to maintain a relationship in which I have invested time and energy. Guideline 8: What is old is not necessarily good. Let me mention some things that are What are the implications of all this for traditional: Polygamy. Female subordination Humanistic Jews? and confinement. And male stereotypes that condemn men to macho roles whereby they First, you cannot prejudge a relationship. cannot express themselves either in terms Relationships are to be judged by their conse- of their own personal happiness or for the quences. You can use information from the past social good. about similar relationships to begin the evaluation. But in the end, your evaluation of the Guideline 9: What is new is not necessarily nature of the relationship has to be determined, good, either. Let me mention some things that not by old rules, but by the consequences of are new: Single parents. (You may have to make what that relationship produces. the best of it, but it’s not necessarily the best of the alternatives.) Multiple partners. (Once Second, we are committed to the defense I was asked to perform a marriage ceremony of dignity. As a Humanistic Jew, the primary for three people. Where’s the limit? Eight? value I seek in terms of human relations is the Twelve?) Then there’s sequential promiscuity. opportunity to achieve my own dignity and to The person chooses somebody, and it lasts for defend the dignity of others. three months, and then chooses somebody else, and it lasts for two months, and so on. Of Third, there is no single lifestyle that is course, it’s people’s right to marry whomever appropriate to all people to protect their dig- they choose, but what is the damage in terms nity, affirm their happiness, and arrange for of social relationships? appropriate social consequences.

Guideline 10: We all need support. All of us, no Fourth, tradition is not always bad. Nobody matter how much dignity we have, no matter has yet found a desirable alternative to two how much strength we have, need the emo- parents. You may have only one parent func- tional support and input of other people. Al- tioning, but two parents certainly are better. though one of the original reasons for marriage was reproduction, now an increasing reason for Fifth, single life can and does work. In marriage is the need for companionship. Most this country, a large percentage of households people want a significant other, a partner. But consist of one person, and all of these people

26 Humanistic Judaism are not desperately unhappy. Most of them are advantage is that you’re now in a meaningful functioning and are socially productive. relationship, or separated from a disastrous one. But you may be encountering public hos- Sixth, living together can work. There tility.” A lot of people don’t want the hassle. are many relationships in which people live They would rather go into the closet or just together with love, respect, and loyalty, rela- conform. It’s easier. But without courageous tionships that promote dignity and happiness people, we never would have pioneers. The and are socially useful. first step is always regarded as dangerous, as socially disruptive. Seventh, homosexual unions can work. There are people who live together as homo- DeWitt Parker, a philosophy teacher I sexual partners, are supportive of each other, had at the University of Michigan, said: “I am and do productive work. They are good for not completely happy with what is, but I am their society, and in some cases, if they choose, less happy with what was.” I recognize that they even are able – very, very creatively – to there are many things from the past that we raise children. as Humanistic Jews find valuable. We want to protect the two-parent family. But there were so Eighth, divorce can work. There are many many other things about that society that were cases in which the difficult struggle of single restrictive and had bad social consequences. So parents to raise their children is necessary, much talent, the talent of women and others, because to maintain the marriage would ad- was inadequately used. So, I am not happy versely affect both the parents and the children. with what was. I like many of the changes that And, in some cases, even if the children would have occurred. But, as a rational Humanistic retain benefit from it, the marriage has such Jew, I must recognize that in our society today adverse consequences for the parents that their there are problems. There are advantages and needs will be totally ignored if some change is disadvantages. not made. One thing I can say: If we are going to begin Ninth, we have the right to make mistakes. the exploration of this issue, we cannot come If we affirm personal dignity, we’re saying that into the discussion with slogans. We have to people are free to make a choice. And if people come into the discussion with evidence. We are free to make choices, they make mistakes. have to look at the consequences of behavior. And we have to go into it with open minds, Finally, we have the right to be coura- because we are defending the two most impor- geous. I say this to people who choose a new tant things we have: our personal dignity and and sometimes difficult lifestyle. I say, “The our society.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 27 A Humanistic Rabbi’s Trip to Israel by Rabbi Miriam Jerris

In May of this year, I traveled to Israel for style, and sense of humor made for a spe- the sixth time. It was my best trip ever, and cial experience. there was some very good competition for that distinction. 5. Our group of fifteen included eleven people who had never been to Israel before. My first trip was in July of 1967, one Seeing Israel through the eyes of Israel month after the Six Day War. Opportunities “virgins” is like seeing the world through to go places where Jews had not been allowed the eyes of your grandchildren. since the end of the 1948 war opened up. On my second trip, in 1977, I spent two weeks A sense of humor was a necessary pre- with Rabbi Daniel and Felice Friedman and requisite when traveling in small groups. We members of Congregation Beth Or, the third needed it more than once. It was hot, we were congregation for Humanistic Judaism. In 1981, jet-lagged, the arrangements were not always with Rabbi Sherwin Wine and others, I par- seamless, we walked a lot, and food was not ticipated in a conference at Kibbutz Shefayim, always available when everyone wanted it. which established the Conference of Secular Flexibility helped, yet what kept us from get- and Humanistic Jews. Afterwards, on a tour ting out of line most of the time is that we really for those who had been to Israel before, Sher- cared about each other. win schlepped fewer than 10 of us on a small minibus from one not-usually-visited stop to For me, these were some of the highlights another. In July 1985, I was part of a group of of the trip: North American and Israeli leaders who met at the Hebrew University and established the Meeting Rabbinic Students International Institute for Secular Humanistic As soon as I arrived in Jerusalem, I had Judaism. In the late summer of 1987, I traveled emails and text messages from Rabbi Sivan to Brussels, Paris, and then to Israel with Rabbi Maas asking me to meet with the rabbinic Wine alone. It was an extraordinary experi- students from T’mura (the Israeli rabbinic pro- ence, as those of you who knew Sherwin Wine gram). The questions were challenging, and a might expect. few were surprising. Who would have thought that Israeli Humanist rabbis would be grappling So, what made this sixth trip the best ever? with the issue of coofficiation? The Israeli rabbinate is not congregationally based, yet we 1. It was the first time I’ve been to Israel as talked about what Humanist congregations a rabbi, and my additional knowledge en- do and how that experience might apply to hanced my experience. Israeli society. Other questions concerned our

2. Everyone on the trip was a humanist, Rabbi Miriam Jerris, Ph.D., is rabbi of the Society for Humanistic though not everyone was Jewish. Judaism and formerly served as its first executive director. She is ordained as a humanist minister by the Humanist Society of 3. The trip combined sightseeing with experi- Friends. She holds master’s degrees in Near Eastern Studies and clinical and humanistic psychology and a doctorate in Jewish ences with Israelis. Studies. She sits on the editorial board of this journal.

4. Rabbi Jeffrey Falick was a remarkable *Wine, Sherwin T., Celebration: A Ceremonial and Philosophic group leader. His knowledge, passion for Guide for Humanists and Humanistic Jews (Buffalo: Prometheus, the State of Israel, humanism, personal 1988), p. 224.

28 Humanistic Judaism approach to reframing religious symbols, Jew- to the Israel Museum with Rabbi Maas falls ish and otherwise, and how we differentiate into the category of a peak experience. The between the terms secular and humanistic. We Israel Museum is open on Shabbat morning, spoke about the possibility of Israeli rabbinic so there we were. For Humanists, it was a little students coming to North America and doing bit like, but better than, being in shul on Shab- internships with larger congregations, where bat for theistic Jews. There is very little open they could be supervised by North American in Jerusalem on Shabbat. That the Orthodox- rabbis or leaders. We hope to explore additional controlled city allows the museum to be open ways to cooperate. (If this project interests you, and money to change hands is an oddity. Ac- please let me know.) cording to Rabbi Falick, the museum remains open because of an Israeli concept called status Shabbat in Jerusalem quo, or “continuing what has been.” We arrived on a Thursday, so the very next day was Shabbat. As evening approached, we As we entered the museum grounds, we walked from our hotel in Rehavia to the Ko- approached a model of ancient Jerusalem and tel, the Western Wall of the ancient Temple. I gazed on the Temple Mount, which included had decided that I wasn’t going to go into the government, commercial, and administrative walled-off segregated women’s section and buildings as well as the city’s religious center. then changed my mind so that I could be with As we sat in the amphitheater overlooking the the women from the group who were there for model, Rabbi Maas encouraged us to consider the first time. We arrived about an hour before the challenge facing the new nation of Israel – sundown. Inside the women’s section was a the challenge of creating a Capitol Hill. What young Hasidic man presiding over the prayer would you include? You would certainly books, talking on his cell phone. The old and include the seat of the government, the Israeli the new – the contrast was startling. Lined parliament, the Knesset. And what else resides up next to the wall separating the men’s from on this new Capitol Hill? The Israel Museum. the women’s section were chairs with women There is a kind of sanctification (holiness), standing on them, looking over the wall at albeit secular, to this place. the men. We walked through the sculpture garden Rabbi Maas and her husband, Yiftach, and and entered the James Tarell sculpture, which Rabbi Efraim Zadoff joined us for dinner at Sivan referred to as her synagogue, where she the YMCA, one of the few places other than has celebrated Bar and Bat Mitzvah ceremo- the major hotels open for dinner on Friday nies. The sculpture has an open “sun roof” and evening. We welcomed the Shabbat with some seats all along the sides. The sky was blue. The readings, a new song, and the Shabbat symbols space provided peace and quiet, and we sang of candles, wine, and bread. After one day in Hinnay Ma Tov together. Jerusalem, I was already feeling oppressed by the extreme religious dominance of the city. Western Wall Tunnels Sivan’s welcome was warm and genuine. Hav- Excavation began on the Western Wall ing Shabbat together was a moving affirmation tunnels in 1967, and the Western Wall Heri- that we were among philosophical friends. As tage Foundation took over the responsibility it was only our second night in Israel, that sense for the wall and the tunnel in 1987. It wasn’t of welcome was particularly meaningful. At until 1996 that the current extensive tour was the end of the trip, a number of people in our opened to the public. At one point on the party mentioned the first Shabbat in Jerusalem tour, we found ourselves under the Dome of as a highlight. the Rock, which legend says was the site of the Holy of Holies. Now it is a prayer cave, Israel Museum monitored by women rather than men. It was If you have been to the Israel Museum, you one of the most exciting archaeological experi- know what a remarkable place it is, but going ences I have had. Its power could be attributed

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 29 to the fact that we walked through what were Galilee once actual streets, now underground, or that The second day on the road we spent in women were in charge of the Holy of Holies. We the Galilee and the Golan Heights. We stopped stood where, in ancient times, no one but the at Beit Alpha, a sixth-century Byzantine syna- High Priest was permitted to enter. Whatever gogue near Beit Shean in the upper Galilee. the reasons, being there had a huge impact on This synagogue, like the one in Tiberias, which me. It was similar to how I feel when I stand at was designed by the same artisans, contains the altar of a Catholic Church coofficiating – a mosaics of biblical legends as well as a zodiac. place where women are not usually allowed – The Tiberias synagogue was vandalized this and I think to myself, woman, Jew, Humanist, past summer by ultra-Orthodox Jews who were what am I doing here? But being on the Temple objecting to the removal of human remains Mount moved me in a way that standing at the from archaeological sites. They insist that the altar of the Catholic Church could never equal. remains must stay where they are in order to participate in the resurrection of the dead at the A Discussion with Hebrew University Students end of times. The graffiti they left gave a clear While we were in Jerusalem, Rabbi Falick picture of their intent. It was as if to say, “You arranged an evening with a small group of He- dig up graves, we destroy the ancient sites.” brew University students. Most of them were (Don’t ask me to explain the logic.) studying international relations and political science, and many had lived abroad. They The Golan spanned the religious spectrum from atheist to I had been up in the Golan Heights once Modern Orthodox and the political spectrum before in 1977 on my trip with Congregation from right to left. They were all post-army – Beth Or. The experience stayed with me in a young, intelligent, opinionated, and dynamic. powerful way. We were returning home in the The dialogue was honest, powerful, respectful, dark on the bus singing a beautiful song, Shir and complex. I was impressed by the diversity Hu Lo Rak Milim (A Song Is Not Just Words), of opinion and the multi-layered discussion of which I can still hear in my head. This time, everything we spoke about. One student men- to see the Golan in the light was maybe not as tioned that life in Israel is good for most people powerful, but certainly more illuminating. The – the economy is stronger than before, so there Golan, a plateau that looks down upon three is more contentment. Another student com- river valleys, consists of almost 700 square menting on Israeli-Palestinian relations spoke miles. It was part of Syria until 1967 and was about the grass roots initiatives, the personal annexed to Israel in 1981. We took a jeep tour relationships being developed and promoted, through the rocky terrain, and as we stopped and suggested that change will not take place to look down over the valleys, realizing that at the level of government, but rather person we stood on what was once Syrian soil, I ap- to person. preciated the vulnerability of the kibbutzim and small agricultural villages below and the From Jerusalem to Masada to Tiberias strategic value of the area for security reasons. We spent two days on the road in a bus, traveling from Jerusalem to Masada and Ein We stopped in Katzrin, a small town that is Gedi and then north to Tiberias. We took Route the administrative center for the Israeli settle- 90, officially entering and then leaving the ments on the Golan Heights. Katzrin is also West Bank through a series of check points. the site of an ancient Jewish town dating back Looking at the map of Israel after I had traveled to sometime between the fourth and seventh the route, I became much more aware that the centuries, which has been uncovered and par- “West Bank” encompasses the center section tially restored. At the entrance there is an oil of Israel, with portions of the state to the east, press, quite common in those days. We saw the west, north and south – a little like having a remnants of ancient homes. Black lines on the section of Canada embedded in Maine, New walls differentiated between the original stones Hampshire, and Vermont. and the reconstructed ones, so it was easy to

30 Humanistic Judaism see what had survived. The synagogue, which Looking Back was found in 1967 and excavated between 1971 Writing my reflections on this trip has en- and 1984, was a sixth century structure built abled me to ponder not only what we did, but on top of an earlier, fourth century synagogue. how I felt and what I learned. Being in Israel captivates me every time I am there. I am at Tel Aviv home in a way that I am not in other places. Tel Aviv is a cross between New York City What fascinates and attracts me is the con- and Miami Beach. We arrived late in the day, nection I feel to the Jewish people of the past got settled, and walked toward the sea. When and present. we reached the boardwalk, I had flashbacks to winter vacations with my grandparents in Mi- These are some of the impressions I came ami Beach – the weather, the smell of the sea, away with: the restaurants lining the beach. And the New York connection – the clothing stores, the shoe • Living in a Jewish state switches what is stores, the crowded neighborhood streets with particular and what is universal. In North restaurants and bars, shops and small groceries, America everything Jewish is particular, and prices to match. The secularism of the city whereas in Israel Jewishness is every- hit me immediately. We had a very different where. This difference makes for a very kind of “Shabbat.” We all walked together to interesting paradigm shift. have dinner. Other than the walking, there was no outward sign that this night was different • There is so much diversity within Israel! from any other. The issues are complex and require, at the very least, a deep understanding of One morning, we walked to Rabin Square Near Eastern history, Zionism, and Israeli (formerly Kings of Israel Square). This is the politics and government. largest public square in Tel Aviv and is used for public events, parades, and rallies. A memo- • I experienced a shift in attitude regarding rial stands on the spot where Prime Minister the West Bank settlements. I have typically Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated at a peace rally been on the left regarding this issue and am on November 4, 1995. Small brass medallions still adamantly opposed to the religious embedded into the concrete indicate where settlements. As we drove in a straight line Rabin was standing, where each of the secret from Masada to Tiberias that brought us service members was standing, and where the in and then out of Israel and in and then shooter, Yigal Amir, was standing. Those brass out of the land governed by the Palestinian medallions are reminders that even in Israel, authority, I reflected on what it must be like the Jewish state, those who seek peace are not to live in a land whose boundaries require safe from extremists. A young Israeli woman both peoples to be continually confronted told us of her memories of Rabin’s assassina- with the complex reality of dual authorities tion, where she was, and the circumstances in the region. of her surroundings, not unlike how many of us remember the assassination of President • There are many ways to connect to Israel John F. Kennedy. regardless of your political opinions. If you disagree with the government, there is At Independence Hall, we stood in the still much of value that is not specifically room where David Ben Gurion declared Israel’s political: the ancient history, the beauty independence on May 14, 1948. The room has of the country, the cosmopolitanism and been recreated to look as it did on that day. vibrancy of Tel Aviv, to suggest a few. Nameplates designated where each person sat or stood. We sang Hatikva, passionately led by • As Secular and Humanistic Jews, we have Jeff, the emotion palpable. It was an extremely a growing presence in Israel, spearheaded powerful emotional experience. by T’mura and the work it is doing to sup-

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 31 port pluralism there. With the develop- non-Orthodox Israeli Jews. The cultural ment of Zionism, the people living in the approach resonates. land learned how to be Israelis, but many, if they were not Orthodox, forgot how to This trip was a pilot. Rabbi Falick is open be Jewish. The Secular Humanistic Jewish to leading other trips. If you are interested in a perspective can be valuable to the many Humanistic trip to Israel, please let me know.

for the skeptical and questioning, an alternative history of the Jews, told by one of the most provocative rabbis in Jewish history A Provocative People: A Secular History of the Jews by Rabbi Sherwin T. Wine edited by Rabbi Adam Chalom A Provocative People, Rabbi Wine’s final work, presents a history of the Jewish people, from their origins in the ancient Middle East to their existence as a global people in the modern world, from their beginnings as a religious people through their transition to a largely secular- ized people. Displaying his sense of humor, Wine once again distills complex ideas and devel- opments into easily understood concepts, offering his readers a compelling and very readable humanistic history of the Jewish people. paperback, $31.50 including shipping and handling Send your order to the SOCIETY FOR HUMANISTIC JUDAISM 28611 West Twelve Mile Road • Dept. HJ • Farmington Hills, MI 48334

32 Humanistic Judaism Off the Path: Haredi* Meets Humanism by Rabbi Frank Tamburello

Deborah Feldman’s Unorthodox has caused communities in the tri-state area. It provides a stir in the Jewish community by exposing a counseling, life and work experience programs, world and a lifestyle unimaginable to most of scholarships, and tutoring to those who want us. For me, however, growing up on the Lower a secular secondary school diploma as well East Side of New York in the 1950s, Hasidic as higher education degrees. It also promotes life was something with which I was already social activities that are secular in nature to somewhat familiar. help prepare these young people to interact with the outside world. Many have left Hasidic Shopping on Orchard Street on Sundays, life altogether and call themselves OTDers (Off my mother and grandmother were goaded the Derekh, or Path). Organized more than ten into purchasing items that they never set out years ago by Malkie Schwartz, Footsteps has to buy with phrases like “Such a deal it is!” or helped more than six hundred men and women “You think you can find something like this discover their potential as rational, intellectual, someplace else?” The black-and-white-clad, and free-thinking individuals. Yiddish-accented storekeepers spoke at least a few words in Spanish, Polish, Russian, Ukrai- At a recent Footsteps function, I had the nian, Hungarian, Greek, every dialect of Italian, privilege to become acquainted with Jacob and even some Mandarin Chinese. Their tiny Gluck, an eloquent spokesperson for the orga- shops were an explosion of boxes – blouses, nization. I asked him to explain to our Human- shirts, shoes, you name it. They totaled your istic Jewish community his involvement in the order with pencils on bags and wrapping paper. ex-haredi* movement. Dozens of charity boxes taped to every counter, prayer books, and, of course, the ever present Rabbi Frank: Jacob, will you tell us a little Jewish calendars crammed with, it seemed to about yourself, and how you came to leave us, exotic holidays and observances. This was your community? a fascinating world to me, as were the rest of the insular, ethnic worlds that made up New Jacob: I grew up in the Satmar community York City. of Borough Park, a relatively pluralistic and tolerant haredi community. I had parents who I am a retired high-school language teacher valued secular education, Torah scholarship, and presently serve the Westchester Commu- and experimentation with different streams nity for Humanistic Judaism as their rabbi. I en- of ultra-Orthodoxy. My dad was the ultimate joy community service and am an educator for skeptic and a consummate contrarian. If every- the Lower East Side Tenement Museum. Upon one in the crowd said something was white, learning that the ex-Hasid support organization he would assert it was black. When everyone Footsteps was looking for tutors and mentors at his yeshiva rooted for Lyndon Johnson, he as volunteers, I quickly became involved. actively defended Barry Goldwater. This criti-

Footsteps supports people who are look- Rabbi Frank Tamburello is a member of the Board of Directors of ing to expand their vision beyond the confines the Society for Humanistic Judaism and rabbi of the Westchester of the insular communities of Williamsburg Community for Humanistic Judaism. and Borough Park and other ultra-Orthodox *Haredi refers to ultra-Orthodox Jews.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 33 cal approach to convention and dogma rubbed apologia are discussed, but it’s not done in an off on me in a very profound way. One kid impartial, scholarly manner. The reformists are at my yeshiva called me “ipkha mistabra,” a prejudicially seen as evil because they do not talmudic phrase meaning “it may be reasoned view the authority of the Torah as binding. The to the contrary.” notion that humans may have a legitimate right to provide input into the rabbinic legislative At some point I started philosophizing process is never really considered. The discus- to justify Jewish ideology and the “chosen sion thus takes more of a devotional tone than nation” doctrine. I was also asking historical an objective exploration of facts. questions regarding scriptural passages and talmudic discourses and thus was drawn into Rabbi Frank: What would be some of the most the fields of history and anthropology, which compelling reasons for those haredi who want have remained favorites of mine ever since. to leave?

Ultimately, I didn’t arrive at the sort of Jacob: The reasons for leaving the haredi com- answers that would have allowed me to feel munity are varied. Many experience some comfortable in my community structure, which acute constraint or a chronic grievance that operated within very strict limits regarding festers unremittingly, which leaders in the faith and practice. After some intense soul- community won’t address. Examples of the searching, I decided to leave the community former are incompatible arranged marriages, and “Americanize.” I wanted to enroll in col- nonheterosexual orientation (gay, lesbian, or lege, graduate with top honors, and be the next transgender), a desire to go to college and pur- star in my professional field. Things didn’t sue a profession, and a desire to be more sexu- work out quite as I had anticipated, but I did ally or otherwise explorative before committing graduate in 2006 with a degree in social sci- to marriage. Examples of the latter are physical ences and a concentration in history. abuse (many boys report being viciously beaten by their fathers or rabbis), sexual molestation, In recent years I have become more in- mental abuse in the form of parents, teachers, volved in my ex-community. I currently report and peers who are apathetic in the face of per- haredi news from a no-holds-barred liberal/ sonal problems, and, finally, social isolation critical standpoint in my HasidicNews.com when someone becomes stigmatized by not fit- website. I also conduct walking tours around ting into the cookie-cutter mold, such as being Hasidic Williamsburg to introduce its hermetic divorced or growing up in a divorced or baal culture to outsiders. teshuvah (one that has returned to Orthodox Judaism) home or having a family member Rabbi Frank: What would you say is the level with mental illness. Finally, there are those, of familiarity in the ultra-Orthodox world with like myself, who leave for ideological reasons. other Jewish denominations or with the wider When the teachings of the Torah as interpreted Jewish community? by contemporary haredi Judaism appear to be contradictory and hypocritical and too rigidly Jacob: There is very scarce familiarity with enforced without nuance and common-sense other Jewish streams. The haredi sector has exceptions, the Torah and the system lose crafted a very sophisticated autonomous their relevance and moral high ground. When structure in which all socioeconomic needs one starts seeing a system in which God may are supplied from cradle to grave. Education in be on people’s lips but is very far away from any subject matter other than traditional Torah their daily practices; when priorities are so and Talmud, including education in modern conspicuously misaligned; when one is urged Jewish history and other Jewish denomina- to be intellectually active in Torah study but tions, is seen as hazardous to the continuity is prevented from making logical inferences, of a pure and faithful Orthodoxy. Some Re- which sometimes are heretical – then the form ideas and their corresponding Orthodox system becomes a heavy burden, an odious,

34 Humanistic Judaism perverse, and crushing prescription that one Jacob: The most pressing concern is accul- would rather die than live under for the rest turation. Haredi kids, starting with the third- of one’s life. generation Holocaust survivors, of whom I am one, grow up in an incredibly cloistered, highly However, the general reason for leaving controlled environment. Every aspect of our and the proximate cause are not always lives is prescribed and regulated. We don’t get identical. In my case, for example, I left the to enjoy nursery rhymes as kids, and we don’t community for ideological reasons but it is experience the joy of Disney characters. When we also true that I endured physical and mental grow up, we never listen to any secular music at abuse at the hands of family and educational all, neither classical, nor rock, nor pop. We don’t faculty. Others in the system are chafing get to watch movies, and we are barely exposed under its weight for years but do not find it to secular radio and newspapers. Etiquette is a in themselves to make the move – therein huge challenge. For example, in haredi culture throwing away a network of family, friends, it’s okay to stand closer to each other during and business connections – unless they get conversations than is normative in mainstream divorced and suddenly find themselves being America, to abruptly leave a one-on-one conver- treated as second-class members for no good sation without warning in large social gatherings, reason. Or, perhaps they are experiencing an and to interrupt each other while conversing. especially fierce dispute with a former spouse Learning so much so fast is very challenging and or business partner and the rabbinical court is demanding. Keep in mind that most who leave do enriching itself from their misery by protracting so in adulthood and are unable to predict their the proceedings and charging exorbitant fees, own heretical proclivities in advance. Once out but if they dare go to secular court, the com- of the system, they are suddenly cut off from all munity will ostracize them. So they’ve got you social, financial, and occupational support from over the barrel, between the devil and the deep their erstwhile communities. blue sea. Jewish identity is a substantial question Rabbi Frank: What does the world look like that departees must grapple with sooner or through the eyes of someone who has just made later, but it isn’t one of the more urgent issues that first step out of the ultra-Orthodox world? they face in the most turbulent epoch of their transition into mainstream society. When I first Jacob: I cannot speak for others, but I suspect decided to leave the community, I wanted to be it’s similar to my experience. I felt as if the rug a secular American, and I naively believed that had been pulled from under my feet, like the it’s simply a matter of turning the switch. Get nation felt after 9/11. My entire world crumbled an education, adopt new values, work hard at before my eyes. I realized that morals I was your education and profession, and the cream indoctrinated with for so many years are all will rise to the top. I didn’t realize at the time man-made. Now that I’ve read sociology books, that the average American is religious to some I understand how and why humans artificially degree and that people don’t easily abandon resort to strict religion in order to avoid doing their religious convictions completely, nor the hard work of making real choices in their should they. Religion had a very bad rap for lives and owning their actions. I saw a new me at the time and I wanted as far away from world that was ice-cold to me. I had to fight and it as possible. prove myself at every move. There were many decisions to be made and a great deal of adjust- Rabbi Frank: What is the ratio of men to ment was necessary to become the “American” women in the OTD community, and how do I so desperately wanted to be. the challenges facing women differ from those facing men? Rabbi Frank: What would be the most pressing concerns for the OTDers? Is there interest in Jacob: In the early years of the OTD movement, preserving Jewish identity? If so, in what form? the women were vastly outnumbered. This

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 35 created a tense atmosphere for the few women adjusting to their new habitat. This is one of who did choose to leave and associate with those ironic, unintended effects of the sexism men from a like background. Women would of- in the haredi world: since religion is so much ten be vigorously courted with blunt, unpleas- more important than education and the English ant, and unwanted advances. In recent years, language – which are considered mere expedi- however, as the movement is maturing into its ents to making a living – men assume control early adulthood stage, so to speak, women feel of the superior religious sphere while happily more comfortable leaving the haredi world in delegating the “dirty work” in the inferior tem- response to divorce, abuse, ideology, etc. They poral sphere to their subservient helpmeets. feel that the OTD community is nourishing, stable, and sustainable. Footsteps annual data Rabbi Frank: Deborah Feldman’s book has show that the ratio of women to men applying been criticized for sensationalizing the ultra- for services leaped from 26 percent in 2009 to Orthodox lifestyle. How do you view this book? 42 percent in 2011, a phenomenal jump, which is very telling with respect to the movement’s Jacob: Ms. Feldman’s book was very inspiring maturity. It seems to me a bit analogous to to me. Here I see a woman who grew up in a the Wild West, which likewise had a heavily substantially similar community as I did, and skewed men-to-women ratio in the early towns she has successfully transitioned. She is a until it was “tamed” and became inviting ter- talented writer and speaker. I read the book in ritory for women. the course of two to three days, and I then inter- viewed her for my HasidicNews.com website. The tension regarding sexual relations, I do not at all think that she “sensationalized.” nonetheless, seems to linger. Sex is such a Her story is very real, and it rang very true to repressed topic in the haredi world that the me. It encouraged and goaded me to strive to adolescents emerging from its shadows in the measure up to her success. I could vicariously prime of their sexual life are virtually explod- identify with virtually every anecdote and ing with erotic lust the moment the lid pops incident in the book. off upon shedding their haredi inhibitions. The men pounce on the women without regard to The accusations leveled against her stem tact or commonality between the sexes. This, mostly from the Orthodox camp, from people in turn, puts the more restrained but perhaps who mistakenly view the book as a condem- more virtuous men at a disadvantage and nation of all Orthodoxy or even all Judaism. clouds women’s ability to thoughtfully and This is consistent with the black-and-white methodically choose their mates from within approach that is so common in the right-wing the OTD community. As a result of these ten- sector of contemporary Jewry: if she criticizes sions, it seems, I have noticed that many some form of the religion, it is assumed that OTDers are casting an eye outward in their she’s a “hater” and traitor, seeking to bash the courtship choices despite the raft of hurdles faith and its practitioners. I have personally such “strangers” pose to the long-term viability met her numerous times, and I am convinced of a relationship. that she is simply telling her story, and how she was so immensely frustrated by obstacles put As to the more prosaic aspects of life in the in her way at every stage of her development. mainstream for the opposite sexes, the most As I said, I feel exactly the same way. salient differentiating factors, in my opinion, are secular education and language. Women Rabbi Frank: This past Shavuot, we gathered in the haredi world almost always receive together a group of OTDers for a luncheon at a better secular education than their male my apartment. These young people, five men counterparts. Women’s fluency in English is and three women, were very candid about likewise better than men’s. These higher levels their rejection of their communities and their of acculturation among women translate to a traditional practices. Do you think that a more heightened self-confidence and an easier time liberal form of Judaism, such as Reform or even

36 Humanistic Judaism Humanistic Judaism would have an appeal and insecure – hardly an inviting milieu for to them? prospective members.

Jacob: At this stage there is little appeal for Rabbi Frank: Jacob, thanks for your candor. anything in the realm of organized religion. Your remarks have been so enlightening and in- If it’s a congregation and a rabbi, it’s viewed formative to us, and we wish the OTDers luck in with suspicion. In general, those who leave a all their endeavors. As you know, our congrega- haredi upbringing experience acute estrange- tion adopted Footsteps this year for our tzedaka ment from their religious past for quite some project. How else can the Humanistic Jewish time – often, for many years. Ultimately, most movement support ex-haredi communities? come to accept their essential heritage after discovering the variations and nuances within Jacob: Humanism is a sorely needed approach Judaism and learning that Judaism is not an all- to Judaism, and it is in short supply. I can en- or-nothing proposition – an assertion fiercely vision many from the thriving ultra-Orthodox maintained by the haredim, who see any devia- community finding their way into the Human- tion from tradition as a slippery slope to utter istic camp in due course after going through apostasy and who do not deem a watered-down the various experimental and exploratory version of religious practice as a valid form of stages. From an outreach standpoint, the OTD the Jewish religion. Since the OTD movement community – those who have recently left is still in relative infancy – it is less than ten their rigorous Orthodox upbringing – should years old – and since there are very few stable be prime ground for the future growth of Hu- families in the community, it’s still too early manistic Judaism. There are clearly many in to tell how things will turn out. the OTD community who are seeking a cultural Judaism devoid of theistic references and in- I am personally frustrated with the lack of nuendo. If the Humanistic movement can learn greater traction of Conservative, Reform and to accommodate them and fine-tune its message Humanistic Judaism among my OTD friends and programming for the OTD sector, then we and colleagues, but in part I don’t blame both can benefit from each other – from the them. Insofar as the left wing in contempo- infusion of Jewish culture and fresh blood into rary Judaism often seeks to imitate or adopt in the “classical” Humanistic community and the some way more traditional forms of practice, introduction of liberal ideas and a supportive the liberals are viewed as hesitant, fickle, lifestyle for the ex-haredim.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 37 The Atheist Rabbi and the Orthodox Women’s Seminary by Rabbi Jeffrey Falick

I returned recently from a two-week stay in attempt to divert these women from their faith Jerusalem. The purpose of my trip was to visit or core beliefs. I do not do that kind of thing. my younger daughter, who is in an Orthodox Not in settings like this. gap-year program. (For some odd reason, these are generally called seminaries, even though no The day of the talk arrived and with it a one there is entering the rabbinate or priesthood.) frantic text requesting that I call the rabbi of the seminary immediately and without delay. People who don’t know me may be sur- I did as I was asked. The rabbi entered im- prised to learn that my daughters (both of mediately into a harangue about how what I them) are Orthodox. This was the result of was planning was unacceptable. He declared, my ex-wife’s decision to find God after our “Atheism is a nonstarter.” He demanded that divorce. Believing that it would not be in the I cancel. I refused. He insinuated that I was best interests of my children, I did not fight her exploiting my daughter. I told him that it was on this and even paid ridiculously large sums her idea. He flattered her maturity and intellect. of money for them to attend these seminaries. I I agreed with him. He told me that the other felt that it couldn’t hurt for them to experience “girls” were not as mature and intellectual and Israel, and I’m not afraid of letting them make that I lacked experience with 18-year-olds, so I their own decisions in life. couldn’t possibly understand this. I explained that I had worked in Hillels for thirteen years My younger daughter, whom I was visit- and that I seemed to be giving these women ing, has spent some time learning about my more credit than he was. He told me that they thoughts on God and Israel and so forth. I don’t would soon be out in the world and exposed know (or care) what she winds up believing, to my kind. I replied that in that case it might but it’s nice to know that she respects my point be nice for them to hear about secular human- of view. ism from a Jew who feels attached to Israel and the Jewish people. I assured him that I had no Over several months of what I can only desire to bring them over to my way of thinking, characterize as indoctrination, she occasionally and I suggested that he not be so threatened by mentioned my beliefs to some of the other stu- different ideas. I explained to him that I had dents. My daughter felt that some of the women shelled out tens of thousands of dollars for my she spoke to might be interested in meeting daughter to attend his program because I am me, if for no other reason than to expose them not threatened by ideas. He did not seem to to a different perspective. She asked me if I apprehend my meaning. would sit down with them for a Q & A about Jewish pluralism, atheism, secular humanism, We went round and round like this for science, God, and the meaning of life. I – quite forty-five minutes until I told him that I really flattered – replied, “Absolutely!” did not want to discuss the matter any longer.

So invitations went out and sushi was or- Rabbi Jeffrey Falick is rabbinic advisor of Congregation Beth dered, and The Atheist Rabbi prepared to share Adam, Boca Raton, FL, and secretary of the Society for Humanistic Judaism. He sits on the editorial board of this journal. This article some knowledge. I must add that my agenda is adapted from a February 18, 2013, post on Rabbi Falick’s blog, most explicitly and specifically excluded any “The Atheist Rabbi” (www.theatheistrabbi.com).

38 Humanistic Judaism I explained that he had three choices. He could openness and tolerance. I shared with them forbid the girls to come. He could persuade that tolerance is a key feature of secular human- them not to come. He could remain silent. ism and that we do not oppose religion per se. I later learned that he had called an emer- I told them that we see religion as a personal gency meeting and tried to persuade them not matter and that what we oppose is religion’s fre- to come. quent mistreatment of people. I said that people should not have the authority to impose their They came anyway. beliefs on others, nor may they deny to them the rights and privileges that they themselves Two yeshiva boys came, too. I had met one enjoy. Certainly not in the name of a deity or of them on a previous occasion and learned that some ancient authority. he was not exactly typical, having recently cast his first vote as an Israeli for Meretz, the most In my earlier conversation with the left-wing Zionist party in the country. rabbi, I had made a futile attempt to calm him down. “I’m not trying to convert them,” What emerged was a wonderful conversa- I said. “That’s not the point of the evening. tion that lasted about an hour and a half and It’s not like I’m going to spend all of my ranged over such subjects as morality, Jewish time detailing the evils committed by reli- tradition, the afterlife, miracles, the divinity of gion. The evils committed by religion speak the Torah, and my views on Jewish history. for themselves.”

The feedback was positive. Some of the Quite to my surprise, he agreed with that. participants said that they appreciated my I don’t think he grasped the irony.

Letters continued from page 2 of the canon of the interpretation of any literature. Clarence Thomas surely does. There’s great company Aristotle, for example, really did say the universe for a secular humanist. was immutable, and such philosophy majors, as Sherwin and I read – in disbelief, of course. But In closing, let me recall a Sherwin Wine idea that we then, Galileo, Newton, Darwin, and Einstein had employed successfully when he and I took on the long since shown us otherwise. school voucher issue in 2000. He rejected the strat- egy then being used by civil libertarians, viz. that the The Constitution of the United States began its life state constitution prohibited vouchers and should as the governing document of a dynamic nation that not be amended or reinterpreted to permit them. As would grow and change from the late eighteenth if a people could not change its collective mind about century thus far into the early twenty-first century. In things, as they did twice in the case of the Eighteenth between came the Industrial Revolution, post-horse and Twenty-First amendments to the U.S. Constitu- and buggy transportation, new modes of communica- tion. Sherwin said in 2000, “If we use the argument tion beyond the Pony Express, air and space travel, that you can’t change the Constitution, we’ll lose along the Internet, and an ever more complex society that with plenty of other arguments. Let’s just say that required and still requires new understandings of public schools are the genius of American democracy the law. I’m sure Michael approves of the Thirteenth, and argue from there.” We did, and people listened. Fourteenth, and Fifteenth amendments and Karen of the Nineteenth. Incidentally, there were no such things as public schools as we know them today at the time the Michael clearly implies that the Constitution, like Constitution was written. Aristotle’s universe, must be immutable and wor- Harry T. Cook shiped as such. Antonin Scalia may agree with him. Detroit, Michigan

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 39 ARTS/LITERATURE Poems of Remembrance by Helen Degen Cohen

Survivors My parents survived. I survived. My grandparents and aunts and uncles were taken up into the sky. I can see them floating up there, spending their eternity looking for me: age five in a tan little box felt hat and a smart little suit to match, all embroidered with red. A chubby child who loved the park. You remember? they smile. They are baking a babka for me in the sky, stuffing it with raisins and blueberries almonds and sugar; let her have everything, they say, the whole store, the whole country, the whole of our lives – if only we can find her. And so they keep on looking for me and for each other in the great white fog. Life goes on, even in heaven.

The Star in the Window Is Yellow The star in the window is yellow. It hangs on a sleeve of heaven and heaven is static, heaven is Jewish it cannot fly, my child.

Nor will it leave you. Nor is it bright with angels, no heaven is dark, it is dark with millions of yellow stars.

Helen Degen Cohen, born near Warsaw, is a Holocaust survivor and an award-winning poet in Deerfield, IL. She was named an Artist-In- Education through the Illinois Arts Council and taught at Roosevelt University in Chicago. She is a founding editor of the poetry journal Rhino and coordinates its Poetry Forum. These poems are reprinted with the author’s permission from Habrey: Poems by Helen Degen Cohen.

40 Humanistic Judaism IN REVIEW Child Rearing for Humanists: Two Guidebooks Parenting Beyond Belief Raising Freethinkers by Dale McGowan reviewed by Barry Swan

My former spouse and I used to give copies answer sessions, reflections, explanations, of Dr. Spock for baby gifts. Although there are and lists from wonderfully diverse sources. dozens of baby books, this one had the world’s McGowan, who is the executive director of the greatest index. At 3 a.m., with a crying baby Foundation Beyond Belief (www.parentingbe- and vague symptoms, you could almost always yondbelief.com), is the go-to guy when you are find out what to do. There was an explanation confronted by intruding influences. in plain language, and usually a remedy. These books are basic survival guides for But what happens when, instead of be- raising secular children in a country often ing confronted by a fever, a cough, or a rash, dominated by religious verbiage. McGowan your family finds it is: 1) dealing with others’ advocates no absolutes beyond the need to expectations about the Christmas holiday sea- educate yourself and decide what is most im- son when you don’t do the Christmas holiday portant for you and your children. His books season; 2) protecting your children from those let you know that others have been on this path who wish to impose the denial of scientific before you—that you and your children are not principles when you want them not to be de- alone. McGowan forewarns you of some of the pendent on the supernatural; 3) dealing with obstacles that must be overcome and how oth- family members and others who tell your ers have handled them. children that they will see their dead loved ones again in heaven; or 4) trying to find other Although there will be many specific situ- families who are bringing up their children as ations you cannot anticipate, you can be on the you do? lookout for them. When your son is kept out of the Boy Scouts because you don’t belong to a So my gift for new parents has changed. church, or is told to say the “under God” phrase The path to the answers to the above issues (and in the Pledge of Allegiance, you must have a many more) is provided in two unique books response. You can be proactive. When you real- by Dale McGowan: Parenting Beyond Belief: On ize that your child probably will never learn of Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion (AMACOM, 2007) and Raising Freethinkers: Barry Swan, a madrikh, is leader of Beth Haskalah, Rochester A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Be- Society for Humanistic Judaism, NY. He is a member of the Board lief (AMACOM, 2009).* In these two books, of Directors of the Society for Humanistic Judaism and co-chair McGowan has collected stories, poems, songs, of its Ethical Concerns Committee. activities, testimonials, lesson plans, question- Ed. Note: See Dale McGowan’s article elsewhere in this issue.

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 41 famous humanists in school, you can integrate knowledge, and values should direct our ac- these humanists into discussions at home. You tions. His books provide a valuable starting also can encourage the school to include them point for those confronting a worldview in in the curriculum or have your children select opposition to our own. One of the selections them as the focus of school reports. You can in Parenting Beyond Belief, entitled “Growing visit museums and other cultural institutions Up Godless: How I Survived Amateur Secular that reflect a naturalistic point of view. Parenting,” was particularly apropos for all these reasons. This selection was about a young We humanists need to act on our beliefs. woman, Emily Rosa, who, as a fourth grader, Just as we celebrate our Jewish values in our became a published scientist. Her research holiday services and life cycle celebrations, helped debunk a healing technique called we need to create rituals and events that reflect “Therapeutic Touch.” Now a college student, our humanist values, such as solstice, equinox, Rosa advises us to avoid raising “grim, cynical, Darwin Day, and Earth Day celebrations. Such god-obsessed atheist children,” but instead to events can be festive, community building, and raise them with “social graces, playfulness, values reaffirming. and humor”; to help them acquire information; to encourage their natural curiosity; and I enjoyed McGowan’s reasoning about especially to “trust them to sort out the real nontheistic beliefs and how our experience, from the unreal.”

The Failure of Secular Society Religion for Atheists by Alain de Botton reviewed by Walter Hellman

Alain de Botton tells us that he was brought troubled relationships, to the death of up in “a committedly atheistic household, loved ones, to our decay and demise. God as the son of two secular Jews who placed may be dead, but the urgent issues which religious belief somewhere on a par with an impelled us to make him up still stir and attachment to Santa Claus.” He never wavered demand resolutions. in his certainty that God did not exist, but in his mid-twenties he suffered “a crisis of faith- Religion for Atheists (Pantheon, 2012) is de lessness.” He began to seek a way “to engage Botton’s attempt to find those resolutions and with religion without having to subscribe to its address those problems. He proposes to adapt supernatural content.” the ways of traditional religion – the use of symbols, art, architecture, and human interac- As he considers secular society, de Bot- tion – without the supernatural underpinnings: ton sees an utter failure to help guide indi- In giving up so much, we have allowed viduals through life and to address important religion to claim as its exclusive dominion human needs: areas of experience which rightly belong to

. . . first, the need to live together in com- Walter Hellman has been a member of the Society for Humanistic munities of harmony, despite our deeply Judaism since 1982. He is a founding member and past president rooted selfish and violent impulses. And of Kol Shalom in Portland, OR, and a member of the Executive Committee of the Society for Humanistic Judaism and co-chair second, the need to cope with terrify- of its Education Committee. He co-originated and operates the ing degrees of pain which arise from our online hjlist. He taught high school physics for more than thirty vulnerability to professional failure, to years, prior to retiring in 2011.

42 Humanistic Judaism all mankind – and which we should feel Religion, he says, correctly assumes that people unembarrassed about reappropriating for need endless reinforcement for everything that the secular realm. is taught. Religious observance causes people to stop in their tracks multiple times daily What are the “domains of experience” to reflect on the lessons in prayer. Religious we should reclaim? A large part of the book holidays that fill the calendar are moral in identifies specific practices and aspects of nature and teach the desired lessons repeat- traditional religious experience that secular edly through the years. The absence of this society should, in de Botton’s view, repli- necessary repetition in secular life represents cate in a nontheistic context. For example, a failure of secularism. he describes a typical Catholic church as a magnificent structure that “marks off a piece For those of us interested in congregational of earth, puts walls up around it and declares humanism as a solution to the problems de Bot- that within their parameters there will reign ton describes, the greatest frustration in reading values utterly unlike those which hold sway his book is that he fails completely to discuss in the world beyond.” Here is a place where this obvious potential solution. The nontheistic outside status matters not a bit. The rich and congregational model adopted by the Society poor kneel together in common community. for Humanistic Judaism and by many Unitar- The near-choreographed ritual movements of ian Universalist churches is clearly a way to the priests and congregants allow people to carry out the valuable religious functions in physically move in concert with each other, life without belief in the supernatural. Yet creating a feeling of belonging. Alienation and neither they nor any other similar institutions loneliness vanish. are mentioned here.

And where in the secular world, de Botton Instead de Botton suggests some creative asks, would Jews have a day to apologize to oth- but in some cases questionable modifications ers for misdeeds as we have on Yom Kippur? of secular life as substitutes for traditional reli- Where do we find commonly understood com- gion. Restaurants should have books at the table forting behavior for all involved when a loved with serious questions such as “What do you one dies as in the shiva tradition of Judaism? regret?” as a means to start discussions with Can secular society provide anything remotely strangers. In order to motivate better behavior as meaningful as the Bar or Bat Mitvzah to help throughout most of the year, an annual baccha- family and friends ease a child into adulthood? nal should be held, at which all rules of proper behavior and sexual restraint are dropped and Moving on to morality, de Botton notes that a “moment of release” occurs. (This moment a libertarian society (he uses “libertarian” and of release is explicitly illustrated early in the “secular” almost interchangeably) goes out of volume, and this over-the-top illustration might its way not to be judgmental or instructional stop some readers from seriously considering when it comes to morality. Public spaces are the book any further.) Another suggestion is to purposely devoid of moral messages. In the build beautiful public structures, temples to exact opposite manner, public spaces within moral values. A lover of architecture, de Botton the religious world are intentionally filled with has included numerous full page illustrations such messages, which are essential to help showing how the secular world would look if guide us. Otherwise, says De Botton, we will it adopted this idea. see the “mature sides of us watch in despair as the infantile aspects of us trample upon our Why are de Botton’s suggestions question- more elevated principles. . . .” able? First, it is not clear who would be in charge of directing people’s behavior. The devil De Botton believes that religious methods is in the details of any moral campaign. What of education are far more effective in teaching sort of public mechanism would make the deci- us how to live than their secular equivalents. sions regarding how to proceed? It’s also not at

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 43 all clear whether anyone would buy in to many On the other hand, de Botton makes the of the suggestions. Would people really go to a best case I’ve seen for why secularists need to restaurant and talk with strangers about what adapt the methods and institutions of religion they regret? Lastly, de Botton presents no evi- in order to help people find guidance and dence that traditionally religious people behave meaning in life.* Religion for Atheists is well any better morally because of the mechanisms worth reading for humanists and secularists and institutions he describes. Also, while the even if it disappoints in supplying practical book’s title is attention-getting, in directing it to responses to the important issues it raises. atheists de Botton leaves out many humanists, agnostics, and alternative believers who would *De Botton presents some of his ideas in an eight-minute be interested in what he has to say even though video. Visit http://video.ted.com/talk/podcast/2011G/None/ they do not consider themselves atheists. AlaindeBotton_2011G.mp4.

Parsing the People of the Book Jews and Words by Amos Oz and Fania Oz-Salzberger reviewed by Bennett Muraskin

Amos Oz, the renowned Israeli novelist, scholarship pervaded Jewish communal life, and his daughter, the historian Fania Oz- including the right to debate points of Jewish Salzberger, have collaborated on Jews and law – a principle exemplified by Abraham’s Words (Posen Library of Jewish Culture and challenge to God to save innocent lives in So- Civilization, 2012), a series of essays designed dom and Gomorrah and Job’s accusation that to explore the longstanding relationship be- God acts unjustly. “Jewish tradition allows and tween Jews and texts, primarily the Bible and encourage pupils to rise against the teacher, the Talmud. The book, despite its brevity, disagree with him and prove him wrong, up covers much territory and is sure to provoke to a point,” the authors note. discussion. As befitting the talents of one of our greatest novelists, it is a pleasure to read By way of illustration, they refer to the and includes many references to Hebrew and famous talmudic “oven of achnai” story, in world literature. This father-daughter team which the rabbis refuse to accept a direct has much to say to North American Jews decree from God on the grounds that the searching for meaning beyond what they Torah is “not in the heavens,” but theirs to learned in Sunday school or what they hear interpret. God then gladly admits that “My from Chabadniks. children have defeated me.” This story about rabbis overruling God is indeed precious, Literacy, the Ozs argue, is the wellspring though, as far as I know, it is also unique in of Jewish civilization. Education for Jewish the Talmud. Still, the authors are correct to boys ages 3-13 was mandatory for centuries, with many continuing to study into adult- Bennett Muraskin, a frequent contributor to this journal, is the adult education chair of the Jewish Cultural School and Society hood. Hebrew and its cousin Aramaic were of North Jersey, affiliated with the Congress of Secular Jewish the languages of religious study. For women, Organizations. He is the author of Humanist Readings in Jewish there was the Tsena Urena, a Yiddish-language Folklore and of Let Justice Well Up Like Water, both of which are available from the Society for Humanistic Judaism (www.shj.org). adaptation of the Bible, rabbinic commentaries, He is a union representative for higher educational faculty and and related stories. Respect for learning and other professionals in New Jersey.

44 Humanistic Judaism refer to this tale as an important precedent in reveals the “the boundaries of divine revela- Jewish thought. tion and human grasp.” These are boundaries that should be crossed by critical thinkers like Unfortunately, in other instances they tend the Ozs. to overstate their case. Is “the young Jewish student [always and everywhere] urged to say Another example of authorial overreach something new?” Were students always en- is the Ozs’ treatment of the rule of law among couraged to be intellectually curious? At best the ancient Israelites. We learn from the Book this could be true of a certain era or among of Samuel, in which the prophet Nathan rep- certain streams of Judaism, but not “always rimands King David for sending Uriah off to and everywhere.” If the claim was universally die in battle so he can take Bathsheba as his true, why were there so many forbidden books, wife, that Jewish kings did not exercise abso- from Greek to Christian to secular literature? lute power. The priests were empowered to Certainly this is not the portrait of the kheder interpret the law, and prophets arose to keep in Yiddish literature, where students were both kings and priests in line. In Deuteronomy confined to dreary rooms for the entire day and we read of Moses’ decree that the law be read beaten for speaking out of turn. on a regular basis at a public assembly. Such evidence should be enough to establish that the Does the Mishna really say that “whoever rule of law existed to some degree in ancient destroys one soul, it counts as if he destroyed Israel. Instead the authors turn back the clock a full world, and whoever saves one soul, it to the period soon after the Hebrews settled in counts as if he saved a full world”? The authors Canaan, about which very little is known, and claim that the words “in Israel,” which they weave a story of an “agrarian republic” of small find offensive, were added in the Gemara, but landholders “where numerous citizens . . . form according to Jacob Neusner, who translated the back bone of a stable civil society . . . based the Mishna from Hebrew into English, the of- on the political strength of the many, not the fensive ethnocentric phrase is there too. few and not the one.” Not only was there representative government, the authors claim, but The authors relate several appealing tal- it was a “realm of distributive justice,” where mudic stories that depict God as adorning the laws on gleaning, the sabbatical year, and the letters of the Torah or engaging in study. the jubilee year were in full force and effect. The concept of God as a scholar undoubtedly As an aside, they concede that they may be reflects a more advanced society than that of engaged in wishful thinking. Their description God as a warrior. However, one story they cite certainly bears no resemblance to the Book has a disturbing ending: In the Talmud, God of Judges, which describes this period as one tells Moses that in the future there will be a of anarchy. great Torah scholar. Moses asks to see him and is transported to Rabbi Akiva’s classroom. On the positive side, the authors give Moses is so impressed with Akiva that he asks prominent treatment to biblical women. From to see his reward. Instead God shows Akiva’s Eve and Miriam to Deborah and Esther and the gruesome fate, tortured to death by the Romans. “woman of valor” in Proverbs, they establish When Moses protests, God essentially tells that the voices of women were heard. They him to shut up, when he should have told him make a convincing case that portions of the something Moses could readily understand – Song of Songs, beautiful romantic poetry, were that Akiva was a martyr to the Jewish resistance written by a woman. In the Book of Exodus, against oppression, similar to what the ancient the Hebrew midwives Puah and Shifra save Hebrews suffered under Pharoah. “Shut up” lives by evading Pharoah’s orders to kill all would seem to be the antithesis of the author’s the Israelite babies. Tamar plays the harlot in theme of Jewish discussion and disagreement. order to bear Judah’s children and gets away Yet, although they acknowledge God’s abrupt- with it. Bathsheba pulls strings to ensure that ness, they excuse it by saying that the story her son, Solomon, inherits the throne after

Autumn 2012 / Winter - Spring 2013 45 David’s death. These are all strong women, she will, but only as his “footrest” (according and the authors celebrate their strength. How- to talmudic law), he insists that his wife sit ever, in rating biblical Jewish mothers, they with him whether God likes it or not. The Ozs give Samuel’s mother, Hannah, an unlikely claim that this story contains, in microcosm, candidate, the highest grade, A barren woman, almost every theme expounded in their book: she prays for a son and, when her prayers are “It has that persistent admixture of reverence granted, she turns him (Samuel) over to the and irreverence that singles out the best Jew- priests to be raised. In my mind, she does ish texts.” But this story actually undermines not hold a candle to Naomi, who brought her their theme of literacy as an ennobling Jewish Moabite daughter-in-law Ruth back to Israel, value. In the story, it is the educated Jew who arranged for her to survive by gleaning in the would treat the woman as an inferior, whereas field of a prosperous and upright man named it is the uneducated one who would treat her Boaz, and then instructed her how to get him to as an equal. marry her. And Ruth, a woman of non-Jewish origin, turned out to be the great-grandmother In their Epilogue, the authors praise Jew- of King David. ish chutzpa as a weapon against the groyser makhers, or big shots (my choice of words) and In contrast with these biblical women, as a form of healthy self-criticism. However, the Ozs reveal that women in the Talmud are they fail to see that this characteristic is by almost invisible. Merely talking to them was no means wedded to Jewish literacy or learn- considered by the rabbis to be a dangerous ing. Hasidic folklore, for example, provides waste of time. The only three who are given an abundance of stories in which scholars credit for their intelligence – Imma Shalom, get their comeuppance from ordinary Jews or Yalta, and Bruria – were married to scholars. discover to their surprise that their compan- To his credit, Rashi, the great talmudic com- ion in Paradise will be an ordinary Jew who mentator, who lived in the eleventh century performed extraordinary acts of courage or C.E., educated his three daughters. tsedeka (charity).

Yiddish is discussed mainly as a source Although Hebrew is their first language, the of Jewish humor. Sholem Aleichem is briefly Ozs write in English. This is surprising because quoted; he deserves more space because as a one of their primary objectives is to convince Jewish humorist he had no peer. Groucho Marx secular Jewish Israelis like themselves that gets a nod, as does Woody Allen. The authors they have a better claim to key elements of quote Itsik Manger’s famous Yiddish poem and Jewish tradition than the ultra-Orthodox and song “Oyfn Veg Shteyt a Boym” (“On the Road Orthodox, who wield great power in Israel. Stands a Tree”) to illustrate the theme of the Although Jewish pluralism, an essential prin- overprotective Jewish mother. They also cite ciple for Jews across the religious and secular a poignant short story by I. L. Peretz called spectrum, is almost taken for granted in the “Sholem Bayis” (“Domestic Bliss”) in which a United States, in Israel it is a major issue of con- poor, illiterate worker learns that he can earn tention. For that reason, Jews and Words should a place in Paradise by serving fresh water to make a bigger impact in Hebrew. The Ozs are kheder students. Deeply in love, he asks wheth- the right people to translate it, and I hope er his wife will join him there. When told that they do.

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