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Dat, Donat, Dedicat VIRTUOZ - HRISTO KRSTEVSKI D.D.D. (Dat, donat, dedicat) ^eloto na Borisoviot tatko be{e tvrdo i studeno, br~kite ostro vre`ani, simetri~ni, nebare zgolemena petolinejka bez noti na bledata `eburava ko`a-pergament, a uvoto skameneto kako bas - klu~ za site dlaboki dov~era{ni lagi i gluposti, na koi im se iznaslu{a cel `ivot. Klepkite zatvoreni (levata ve|a izbri~ena poradi neodamne{nata operacija na katarakt), a racete polo`eni na gradi; samo sredniot prst na desnata dlanka malku podignat ugore, kako tokmu vo smrtniot gr~ da sakal da ja smiri vrevata na site bolni vo sobata, da fati troa mir pred da zaspie, nebare ti{ina }e ima malku na onoj svet. Sepak, koga podobro se zagleda vo taa vrglesta i vko~aneta dlanka, porakata na toj sreden prst mo`e{e i poinaku da ja sfati. (Gospodi, mu svetna na Boris odnenade`, ne smeam ni da pomislam! Pa belki ne sakal da ni ka`e deka sé mu do{lo preku glava, deka ni svrtil grb i né zaebal site po red. Mala {egobijna odmazda, {to li). Ne znae{e kako da mu prijde. Toj den, srede patuvawe, nenadejno, razbra za negovata smrt. Rekoa, ne umrel lesno, pokoj na du{ata mu. Vsu{nost, umiral dolgo i vo te{ki maki. Perforacija na ~irot vo `eludnikot, a go le~ea kako srcev bolen. Ja tera{e sedumdeset i prvata. Dolgo, pred o~ite na celiot personal, toj kopnee{e i venee{e poleka, krvarej}i od dena na den. Gi odbiva{e "guskite" vo krevetot, do krajot na `ivotot ostana na noze i svoite najintimni nu`di gi obavuva{e sam, bez ~ija i da e pomo{. Ni{to ne jade{e otkako go odvedoa tamu. Vpro~em, go odr`uvaa so infuzija. Edna no}, taka, go na{le strupolen i smrznat vo nu`nikot. Na zborovite na negovata majka deka izmetot mu e crn i krvjosan, lekarite odgovaraa deka toa e poradi lekarstvata. "Nemaj gajle", í velea. Saka{e da znae so {to go klukaat i re{itelno odbiva{e da golta sé i se{to. Na povik od drugite bolni, sestrite ne doa|aa lesno, osobeno no}e. Edna{ nekoja mlada no}na ptica, zafatena so upornite a{ikuvawa na zgodniot sta`ist, go izbrkala negoviot soben sosed so zborovite: "]e optegne, pa {to deka? Starcite i onaka treba da im gi otstapat krevetite na pomladite, zar ne." (Ni toj negov cimer ne be{e vo cvetot na mladosta). Koga najposle iskrvari, ili se iscedi, podobro re~eno, go ispratija so upat vo Skopje, vo Dr`avnata bolnica, za da go simnat tovarot od svojot grb. Upatite ne gi izdavaa lesno. Toa ~ini skapo. Sekoj dinar od Socijalnoto se odleva vo nekoj tu| xeb, bratko moj. Kako i da e, so avtopsija e utvrdeno: "Pri~inata za smrtta - negri`a i nestru~nost na centarot od kade {to e donesen pacientot. Pogre{na terapija. Srceto, vsu{nost, bilo vo red. Dolnata granica na normalata. Perforacija na ~irot, {to kako posledica na dolgoto i bolno krvarewe..." itn. Sé vo korist na {tetata. I sega - {to? Komu da mu se obrati ~ovek? Na sudot? \avoli. "Operacijata uspe{na...." i sé vo toj stil. No {to e, tuka e. Bí - {to bí. Potoa, administracijata, lavirinti na birokratijata, mrtove~nica, prezemawe na oblekata, kapewe i oblekuvawe na trupot, kola od pogrebnoto pretprijatie, telegrami, telefoni, yvonewe na site strani, sou~estva, grobnici, venci, grobari, bleh - orkestar, pomen vo vesnicite, bdeewe nad kov~egot na pokojnikot, poslednoto prostuvawe... Seto toa padna vrz grbot na Borisoviot pomlad brat. Toj stigna vo posleden ~as. Bea sobrani site. SIT TIBI TERRA LEVIS, PATER!1 1 Neka ti e leka zemja, tatko! (lat.) 2 Ab ovo I bí vojna (opasno (z)bí, velat star~i{tata), eroplani pra{(t)ea nad Trome|a pod Belasica, a Borisoviot tatko se dere{e na negovata majka: "Frli go vo endek toa kreskavo golome{e, maj~eto negovo!" RAF gi tepa{e Bugarite, LUFTVAFE gi tepa{e Srbite i Grcite, a Makedoncite, biduvaj}i i Bugari i Srbi i Grci isto vreme, jadea dvojna porcija. Negovata majka izigruva{e kva~ka i podri- paj}i preku nadojdenata reka dol` nafrlenite gramadi od kamewe (most nema{e toga{), povte{e da fati ~ekor so stopanot, vle~ej}i ja negovata trigodi{na sestra i nego ednomese~niot poserko, vo april ~etirieset i prvata. Od gradot do daskalovoto selo nema{e poj}e od dva - tri kilometri. Vo obi~nite denovi toa bi bilo kako pro{etka. Vaka.... Mora i star~i{tata da bile posrani od strav. Propisno. Na toa ne se se}ava{e. circulum vitae Ona na {to se se}ava{e be{e suratot na okatiot i nabien Germanec oficer vo golemiot dvor na selskoto u~ili{te, komu mu sedna v skut i mu gi kube{e musta}ite. Vo svoeto povlekuvawe od Solun, Germancite zastanaa za mig da zdivnat i da gi popolnat svoite rezervi provijant. Toga{ go dobi svoeto prvo ~okolado vo `ivotot. A toa se pamti. Kako prva cigara. Kako prva `ena. Kako vleguvawe i izleguvawe vo crnata dupka na se}avaweto dol` rabovite na `ivotniot krug... 3 tarabi... kal... pregazen ajvan... taliga... trag od olovni gasenici... pci {to laat... in medias res Mnogu godini podocna, Borisovata maturska tema od literaturata ne mu se bendisa mnogu na negoviot tatko. "[to toa vie dene{nite klinci", govore{e toj inatej}i se, "ve~no ne{to pletkate, trtkate, drnkate. Zborovi, zborovi, zborovi. Sé tuku nekoi silni turkanici od zborovi. Vozdu{esto, ve{ta~ko, neuverlivo. Okruglo, pa na }o{e. Kako do`dot okolu Su{evo. Daj brate, nare~ete gi rabotite so vistinskite imiwa, ili nemojte da né tormozite". "No mene, tatko, eve, me izdadoa vo godi{niot almanah", se brane{e nemo}no toj. "Gospod neka ni e na pomo{", odmavnuva{e negoviot tatko. "Se izdade (se predade) ti sebesi, a ne tie tebe. U{te koga ja zabatali violinata. No kojznae. Mo`ebi ima ne{to i vo tie tvoi zanesuvawa. "Ti, zna~i, tatko, bi sakal zborovite da mi bidat cvrsti, opiplivi, od zdrav materijal?" se re{i Boris nekako otskraja, citiraj}i go svojot profesor po literatura. "Da" mu odgovori podbivno i preku volja negoviot tatko. "Kako cigli {to pa|aat vrz glavata na poetot koj minuva". Toj tatkov sovet Boris nikoga{ ne mo`e{e da go zaboravi. perpetuum mobile Zapomna u{te ne{to. Koga kako u~enik - osnovec dobi ~ista dvojka od fizika, tatko mu go pra{a za definicijata na perpetuum - mobile... Toj vedna{ optegna kako od pu{ka: "Spored osnovnite zakoni na fizikata za odr`uvawe na energijata, perpetuum - mobile ne e mo`no". "Koj ti ja ka`a taa te{ka, taa ordinarna glupost?!" pra{a strogo toj. 4 "U~itelot", dofrli Boris brgu - brgu, "koj drug". "Ka`i mu ti na toj tvoj u~itel deka e magare i drnkaxija. Da, da, nemoj da zjapa{ vo mene kako tele vo {arena vrata. Slobodno ka`i mu go toa {to ti go rekov. I u{te da mu ka`e{ deka perpetuum - mobile i u{te kako e mo`no. No, vo nikoj slu~aj so pomo{ta na stap i kanap, ili so negovata {iblinka, so koja ve~no ve zastra{uva. Za perpetuum - mobile trebaat race na virtuoz. Toa da mu ka`e{". Non quis sed quid Vo izvesna smisla, u{te koga neobi~no palavoto dete nau~i da go recitira Racin vo svojata ~etvrta, a osnovniot noten sistem go sovlada vo pettata, tekot na negovoto detstvo naedna{ se svrte kon bezmilosniot i dolgotraen dril vo procesot na sozdavaweto na eden vunderkind. Taka i mo`e{e da dojde do taa golema neusoglasenost pome|u u~itelovata {iblinka i eden od osnovnite zakoni na fizikata. predictiones tantum Sega, vo momentot dodeka Boris gleda{e na drugiot breg, opkru`en so stoletni dabovi, krikovi od kormorani, ribarski kolibi, trski i saz, sirenata na vozot od gr~kata strana go vrati vo stvarnosta. Istiot mig. Lidija ve}e go dovikuva{e od verandata na letnikovecot. Se iska~i po strmata i ostra pateka do kapijata i u{te oddaleku gi slu{na i prepozna zvucite na noviot balet od magnetofonot, poradi ~ija koreografija gi pominuvaa svoite majski praznici vo Star Dojran, domognuvaj}i se do vilata na poznatiot kompozitor 5 i tormozej}i se so denovi poradi neredovnata po{ta i lo{ite telefonski vrski. Vo ubavoto son~evo grat~e na najju`nata to~ka od zemjata, nema{e nitu `iva du{a. Bea kako zatalkani retki ptici, koi sletuvaat na nekoj pust ostrov. So denovi akaa pokraj bregot osameni, sledeni od surii pci, yvon od kravi, divi {atki, kormorani, opkru`eni so venec od prastari platani, stebla kalinki, crnici, smokvi, divi kosteni, oleandri, kiparisi, ~empresi i smisluvaa kako vo toa komplikuvano atonalno ~udo od balet (nivniot prv zaedni~ki proekt) da ufrlat barem ne{to vo video delot i od ovaa ~ista dare`livost na prirodata - TOJ, muzi~ki urednik na seriozna muzika vo TV-jata (ponekoga{ i kriti~ar vo dnevniot pe~at) i TAA, koreograf vo teatarot. TOJ, ~etiriesetitrigodi{en ma`, so nezgoden karakter, trom ôd, mrk izgled, sklonost kon piewe, tatko na dve }erki od ve}e raspadnatiot brak i TAA, biv{a balerina, koreograf, trieset i ~etiri, vol{ebna stava, prekrasna dolga kosa i kolku sé u{te ubavo, mo`ebi duri i u{te pove}e nekoe aglesto i neobi~no lice, vdovica, majka na {esnaesetgodi{en sin. Ima{e samo dvaeset i edna koga prv pat go zapozna Boris.
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