SIX TOES in ETERNITY BOOK E More
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SIX TOES IN ETERNITY BOOK E More Dedicated Widow Journals and Blogs (2008-2013) January 1, 2008 In the process of calling mothers of godchildren, godchildren, and old friends I came to my old friend E. She is the only close friend I have had since my conversion in 1959 who is an atheist and fairly pro-abortion, but she doesn’t bait me on these subjects. She came from a weak Protestant Kansas farm background, came to her beloved NYC and got a Ph.D. from Columbia in English Literature and married a Jewish agnostic. We met in the park watching our kids in the sandbox and we have been friends for 43 years but I rarely see her since she lives in NYC and I have been living all over. When she was diagnosed about 10 years ago with Parkinson’s disease I prayed over her but she is now many phases worse and can hardly talk. Last time I saw her she told me that she couldn’t read any more but only listen to tapes and I bought her a huge set of the plays of Shakespeare on tape. Anyhow I have prayed for her every day all these years and today on the phone I could hardly understand her but she suddenly slipped in that she is now praying a little. I was overjoyed to hear this. I asked her how this happened and she said, “Well, I have to deal with finalities now.” It seemed to me such a huge sign to keep praying for those we love no matter what and never to give up on them in terms of hoping they will let the love of God come in if only out of desperation toward the end. January 3, 2008 Sister Elizabeth Seton, founder of the Consecrated Widows of the Good Shepherd got permission that I could start a branch here. She thought with all my background as a Benedictine Oblate and my time in other communities I could make final vows right away. I wanted to leap ahead and do this but Jesus Mary and Joseph seemed to tell me to do what Fr. Ken suggested which was to do a one year time in the habit (no veil until community larger and more approved by the Church before making final vows since this is the way the Church does things.) I feel very peaceful. Hard to think that after all my tries with this, the family will think it is just a silly whim or a compulsion, but I have to accept that. I will visit the little group in Allentown, PA. in March for the final vows of one of the sisters who has been in this new group for a long time. January 4, 2008 My 49th year as a Catholic! Alleluia. I woke up feeling unusually peaceful – a good sign. 463 Got rid of the car. Jesus, Mary and Joseph seemed to say “See, we liberated you from the car. Now rest in the bosom of the Church.” January 5, 2008 Confessed to trying to get symbolic victory by detraction. Fr. Ken said, well symbolic victory is really symbolic defeat from the point of view of the Christian way. (I have explained this Recovery, International phrase earlier on. Go to word find if you want to understand this paragraph better. It is really such a key to the anger we express in telling others about others!) January 7, 2008 I am feeling agitated about ordering the habit tomorrow. I wondered why. Vanity? Thinking I would look uglier even than now? My hair is my glory? Individualism? Wanting to look my funky dedicated widow in A-line single color dresses and denim jumpers? I went to prayer and Mother Mary seemed to tell me that wearing the traditional Sister’s garb would be good because of carrying on the tradition and also that it would be more of dying to self and letting only Christ live in me. The question came to mind that if Ven. Conchita, whose name I am taking, founded an order of widows she would surely want the traditional habit. January 9, 2007 January 11, 2008 The habit came in the mail yesterday. I will not wear it until after the March 25th reception into the community. I was dreading getting it thinking it would make me look more ugly and I would feel awful. Surprise, well God likes to surprise me, is that it is a tailored garment that is actually kind of stylish and attractive with the cap that looks kind of Amish. But not “me.” I like loose garments with a free-spirited and eccentric look. Turmoil. I had thoughts it was a sign I can’t be part of the order. This morning I woke up full of insight. Because I lost so much weight a form-fitting garment reminds me of how I looked as a teen and young adult and those were my most sinful times of my life before I became a Catholic. So attractive = sinful in my mind. Also, since I couldn’t be popular with the in-group because of being much poorer and also with such a different family background, I became popular with the out-group in college by acting “bohemian.” So I associate hippie type clothing with being popular with the out-group. So I fear to lose out-group identity by looking like a conventional Sister of the past. But it seemed to me Jesus, Mary, and Joseph might be telling me that the habit and cap makes me look like a GOOD old nun which is really my deepest wish – to be a good widow-bride of Christ. So that outer look might help me try to be what I most deeply wish to be vs. overly individualistic. My dress will be a counter-cultural sign in society and in the Church since there are so few Sisters in habits around these days. Trust? 464 Fr. Ken thought that habit was not the right thing for me for consecrated widows; that it looked like impersonating a sister. Sister Elizabeth says she is open not to different ones for each group but a different one than that particular one that seemed to me so difficult for me. I came to adoration and I thought I might wear the one that suits her and Sr. Marian because they are dear women whom I want as sisters. At the prayer meeting I asked for a word on this and Jesus seemed to remind me that He told us not to worry about what to wear. The hispano leader Rafael gave a strong prophecy “I want you to be free from fear and sin. I know how lonely you are.” The particular habit began to feel to me in my mind like walking into a straight jacket! I started thinking I would do better having my branch wear denim jumpers and a bandana. I spoke to a few close people who know me very well and they thought this community idea was a mistake –I have deep psychological motives for it that would not be valid: such as deep need to be taken care of by parental figures or a desire to fill in a somewhat lonely and less exciting time in my life. The canon lawyer here says we could have different habits but one rule. January 13, 2008 I talked to Sister Elizabeth last night. She is open to the alternate habit for different branches, but will pray about it. She was especially opposed to within the same branch different habits. I woke up with energy, joy and hope after feeling much deflated thinking it was an impasse. I prayed for the intercession of Mother Teresa and Jane of the Chantal. Sister Elizabeth seemed impressed by the argument that jumpers are $5 in the thrift shop vs. heavy expense for dress-like habits. I would like to wear denim jumpers and a denim bandana. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, said “Yes. This would not be contrary to our words to you and Fr. Ken’s.” (Well, reading this now in 2013, it seems confusing since Mary seemed to be favoring the traditional habit. I prayed about my judgment on this now, so many years after and I think it fits with one of the locutions in Anne – Direction for Our Times where He said that he will always help us with “plan b” if “plan a” doesn’t work out whether by our fault or otherwise. Of course this is only true when it is a choice between 2 goods, since an evil plan He will never help us with. Or, another way to think of it is that the “words in the heart” are a conversation not a command from on high where the supernatural being would be mad at me if I don’t do what he/she recommends.) I will await Sister Elizabeth’s phone call on Thursday when she has talked to Fr. Becker. But I am thinking if it is a “No,” that I am supposed to start my own independent group here. January 14, 2008 465 As I proceed to become Sister Conchita I think I should be more silent especially before and after Mass unless people need to talk to me, and not give advice unless asked. I should avoid a compulsive need for approval expressed by telling everyone everything even when inappropriate. I could talk to Jesus, Mary and Joseph about everything instead. January 17, 2008 Today I spoke to Sister Elizabeth Ann Seton and she said I could lead the branch in Morganton NC with the alternate habit if all the sisters would wear the same alternate habit.