2017 & 2018 ABA Law Student Division Best Newspaper Award-Winner

Virginia Law Weekly 70 A Look 1948 - 2018 Inside: Review of Chicken Sandwiches...... 2 Social Media Review...... 3 CoPA: 3Ls v. Graduation...... 4

Wednesday, 20 February 2019 The Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948 Volume 71, Number 17 Editor-In- around north grounds Chief Moves Ballers at Thumbs down to ANG’s double- print in last week’s On to Better edition. ANG’s bad, guys. Could’ve sworn Things Barristers there was a crowd chanting Three Perspectives on the Night “encore” but upon closer re- Jansen VanderMeulen ‘19 flection, that may have been Editor-in-Chief Emeritus in ANG’s head. Thumbs up to It is now a year since the drink lines at I took over as editor-in- Barrister’s. ANG chief of the Virginia Law had so much op- Weekly, and two-and- portunity to perfect ANG’s a-half years since I first magic act. ANG specializes straggled into the Law in making drinks disappear. Weekly’s tucked-away of- fice in Slaughter looking Thumbs down for free pizza. Like the to SBA for barri- remnants of a gallon of cading the doors wholesome, two-percent to Spies Garden milk approaching its elev- during the Diversity Fair enth day in the refrigera- with their own food and ta- tor, my time has come; bles inside by ScoCo. ANG this is my final edition as doesn’t even need to make a editor-in-chief. snide remark to emphasize I could wax poetic about how, as the kids say, “not the last three-ish years cool” that is. of newspaper editing. About long Monday nights Thumbs side- spent with colored pens ways to the decla- alongside good friends ration of a national emergen- and sometime-nemeses Daniel Natal ’19, Gabriela Wolk ‘19, Maggie Echols ’19, and Alyssa Daniels ‘19 pose for the Law Weekly’s camera with cy. On the one hand, ANG is (lookin’ at you, Anand). their very cool props. Photo Credit Koleen Gladden ‘21. always on board with panic- About returning the Law inducing announcements. Weekly to some of its for- Daniel Grill ’19 Barrister’s was limited to torti- other semester of great perfor- On the other, if you “might mer glory with two ABA Staff Editor lla chips with salsa and queso, mances. be able to wait a couple of “Best Law School Newspa- which were not particularly In conclusion, Barrister’s months,” even ANG knows per” wins in a row. About As a 3L, I was very excited good. I even overheard one 3L, was an excellent event. While this is not an emergency. covering endless talks and for my last Barrister’s Ball. who asked to remain anony- the food was limited, the lines symposia and Law School Previous Barrister’s were very mous, say “this queso is hot at the bar were far shorter Thumbs up to events. fun, but each had their own trash. We have far better queso than last year and the music Valentine’s Day. But to be honest, I was shortcomings from the line where I grew up in Houston. at the Omni and Rapture were ANG was very ex- never really that into the at the bar to the music. This This is nothing compared to great. It was clear that SBA cited to have nothing else on Law Weekly for the whole year’s event included key im- the queso in Nashville, where improved upon the issues we social media but couples de- journalist thing. Yes, de- provements that contributed I attended college. I bet I can experienced last year. claring strange inside jokes spite what our critics say, to a fun night for all. make better queso at my home to each other for the online the Law Weekly isn’t just Upon entering the event, on Alderman Road.” Needless Taylor Elicegui ’20 public. It was an incredible goofy thumbs-ups and re- I was hounded by the Law to say, the chips, salsa, and Features Editor day that was in no way deep- views of various C’ville Weekly paparazzi (S/O queso did not meet expecta- ly depressing on an existen- high- (and low-) lights. In Kolleen/Pittsburgh State Go- tions. At around 10:30, pizza This year’s James Bond- tial level. the last year or so alone, rillaz). While I was not pre- was served. They served plain, themed Barrister’s Ball was a we’ve broken numerous pared to answer “who I was pepperoni, and vegetable piz- smashing success. In keeping Thumbs down important stories, from wearing,” the makeshift light za. For journalistic purposes, with the theme, red, black and to the weather the Virginia Law Review’s stand and backdrop created I tried all three and none were metallic long dresses appeared bipolarity this new membership policy1 the red-carpet environment very good. I would have pre- to be the most popular fashion past week. ANG signs a lot to the Copy Center’s move Barrister’s has needed. The ferred pizza from Christian’s choices of the night. The mu- of things without reading away from free printing2 pictures turned out very well or any other local establish- sic choices were great and the them, but finds it hard to be- and security flaws in the and were a fun way to remem- ment. The food was certainly dance floor overflowing. Who lieve that we ALL accidental- University’s new dual-au- ber a great night. the low point of the evening. knew law students could get ly signed up to film an hom- thentication mechanism.3 As I proceeded into the Food and drink aside, the down so well, particularly to age to Katy Perry’s 2008 Our coverage of the events main room, I was surprised music and dancing are un- the YMCA?1 I did see a few too masterpiece “Hot N Cold.” of August 2017 were repro- to see long lines at each of doubtedly the most important many dance floor makeouts, duced by the National Law- the bars. In light of President part of Barrister’s. Through- though—we don’t party in the Thumbs up to yers Guild,4 and our piece Fuqua’s day-before email, I out the night, the DJ played basement of fraternities any- the approaching expected short lines. Luckily, great music and it seemed like more, people, and it is officially Admitted Students 1 https://www.lawweekly. the lines moved very quick- everyone was enjoying them- time to leave the DFMO where Open House. ANG holds org/front-page/2018/11/28/ ly and my flashbacks to the selves. The dance floor was it rightfully belongs (with the court under the Copeley law-review-to-vote-friday-on- lines at last year’s Barrister’s packed for the majority of the undergrads). The Law Weekly bleachers giving admitted selection-overhaul. subsided. This was a major night, which is the true mark photo booth was a nice touch students The Truth about improvement from last year of a great Barrister’s. and the line wasn’t too long (at Law School and also vodka. 2 https://www.lawweekly. when I felt like I was waiting in As Barrister’s wound least when I was there). Shout org/col/2018/11/14/changes- line for much of the night. The down, the Gunners ‘n Roses out to Kolleen Gladden for her Thumbs down coming-to-printing-policy-the- lines may have moved faster after party was just beginning fantastic photography skills. to the second law-weekly-investigates. because of the separate water at Rapture. Typical of Gunners It was quite exciting when my season of “The and soda-only stations. ‘n Roses concerts, an eager Umbrella Academy” not im- 3 https://www.lawweekly. With a corn syrup-free crowd quickly filled the bar. 1 At least, UVA Law stu- mediately being available org/features/2018/3/28/do-the- Bud Light in hand, I decided The band matched the crowd’s dents can tear up the dance for ANG’s watching. ANG is login-two-step-but-read-the- to explore the food options in energy with a brand-new set floor. I can’t speak for any of too used to instant gratifica- fine-print. the back corner of the venue. list including crowd favorites our peer institutions, but I tion...ANG can’t go back. Expecting the chicken ten- like Tongue Tied and The Mid- would imagine they are not 4 https://www.nlg.org/ ders and sliders of year’s past, dle ft. Chris Martin. GNR truly ~quite~ as fun. Thumbs down I was disappointed with the brought the heat on Saturday to property. RAP. BALL page 3 FAREWELL page 6 food options. The first hour of night and set the tone for an- 2 Columns VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 20 February 2019 The Fried Chicken Sandwich Column The Premier Episode of a Forthcoming Virginia Law Weekly Series: Which Chicken Sandwich is Best? Follow the Saga!

Drew Calamaro ‘21 the corporate greed that Chicken Reviewer went into the making of that chicken, the thousands of John F. chickens who laid eggs and Kennedy once died in the past so that this said, “We one chicken could get fried choose to go to up in the crispiest batter the moon in this decade and and smothered in queso that do the other things. Not be- I know does not come from cause they are easy, but be- Oaxaca? As a media mem- cause they are hard.” My fel- ber, I will gladly keep asking low fried chicken sandwich these questions without tak- eaters, this column is doing ing any personal responsi- that other thing. I will fulfill bility myself. Kennedy’s mandate, com- I was going to rate this plete his vision, and find the according to how much debt best fried chicken sandwich I felt like I had accumulated in his brother’s alma mater’s since I started writing this, city, just as he wanted us to. but I’ll save that for another The question that any time. Instead, I’ll give this self-respecting future lawyer sandwich a solid 177 on the will ask, however, is “What LSAT. is a chicken sandwich?” It is When rated using the therefore my charge to find problematicness scale, how- the outer bounds of what de- ever, I’ll give it an average fines a chicken sandwich in GPA of 3.54. What tipped it this column as well. Impor- past a 3.5 mark was the ABC tant questions like, “Does bun. As an anti-number guy a chicken tender hoagie myself, I am all for naming count?” and “Do I include buns after letters of the al- buffalo chicken sandwich- phabet. However, this could es?” will be explored, as well quickly turn exclusionary as the finer points of mayo. with the finance-law crowd, There will even be an ode to This chiken does not yet know its fate. With your contribution, it may, soon. Photo sourced from almanac.com resulting in a competing 123 iceberg lettuce (the polyester and now that I am a mem- say no to a non-conforming are dead. bun that could do some dam- of lettuces). ber of it, I am going to ask sandwich; and hard to find Getting to Michael’s was age. How does one rate fried it even more. Questions like, the holy grail—the perfect, tough enough—they only poultry? What are the crite- “Is it problematic that I eat juiciest, and crispiest chick- have two signs with giant ar- *BONUS REVIEW* ria? Well, seeing as beauty is the sandwich while scrolling en sandwich. rows pointing to where the Cook Out – 1254 Em- in the eye of the cluckholder, past an Alexandria Ocasio- Michael’s Bistro and door is. Yet it’s easy to trip met St N, Charlottesville, I will rate it according to a Cortez tweet without reading Tap House – 1427 Uni- over one of them and keep Va rigid system that I develop it?” or “Should I care about versity Ave., Charlottes- on walking, all while avoid- This place is best enjoyed for each specific sandwich Trump’s restructuring of the ville Va ing eye contact with every- on a Friday night when you that is liable to change spo- military funds to build the Is the name too long? one around you. Luckily, I have to Uber there. Welcome radically. That is the only wall without declaring a na- Perhaps. Does it seem like did not do that and nimbly to the south baby. I rate this fair way to do it, and is what tional emergency while bit- this “Michael,” whoever he ran up the stairs. sandwich a solid 163 on the our founding farmers would ing into a gorgeously bread- is, didn’t know whether he But it’s time to talk tur- LSAT—price point is fantas- have wanted. ed piece of white meat?” are wanted to open up a bohe- key. What we got here is a tic. Is it problematic if I give Of course, as a respon- the ones the people want to mian bistro near the sea or true heavyweight—a “fried this sandwich a 1.0 GPA, sible journalist, I will re- hear the answers to. a dark and smoky tap house chicken thigh with pickled meaning it’s nearly not prob- late each and every chicken Join me, and together, full of bar fights and broken jalapeno Oaxaca queso and lematic at all? Tune in next sandwich to the Trump era, we will finish what Kenne- dreams? Absolutely. But in housemade slaw on an ABC week to find out! and ask if it is problematic to dy started. Not because it is the end, I refuse to go to mi- butter roll.” All for $9.50. eat it while Trump is in of- easy, but because it is hard chaelsbistro.com/history to When I saw that descrip- fice. Why? Because the me- to eat so much fried chick- find out why he couldn’t de- tion, was it problematic that [email protected] dia doesn’t do this enough, en in so little time; hard to cide between the two. Facts I stopped thinking about

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This chicken does know its fate. Fate was not very kind to this chicken, but fate bestowed a delicious gift upon someone else. Photo from cookscountry.com. Wednesday, 20 February 2019 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Features 3

BALL Social Media continued from page 1 pictures arrived so quickly, at UVA Law: too. The food and drinks were What’s Hot good and plentiful. I heard a lot of rave reviews about the pizza and nachos, and the and What’s different table options were a nice touch (both high tops and regular seating). The high Not? tops made a particularly good Lena Welch ‘20 place to hide your high heels New Media Editor, Shameless when your feet started to hurt Promoter of Favorite Student too much, not that I’m speak- Org Social Media Accounts ing from personal experience there. Obviously, the bar lines Since #ANG has rediscov- were a little too long, but I’m ered ANG’s Twitter account, not sure that is a problem that it’s time to review the social can ever be solved without media presences of UVA Law raising the ticket prices to ab- student organizations. I’m surd levels. going to focus on Twitter As a dedicated GNR group- and Instagram. Y’all get the ie, I left the Omni on the earlier Facebook event invitations, side to migrate to Rapture, so Eric Hall ‘18, former production editor of the Virginia Law Weekly, with the amazing and incomparable Trina Rizzo ‘19. you know which organiza- I got in without any problem. Photo Credit Koleen Gladden ‘21. tions are on Facebook. In the I did hear grumblings about mess things up like my real my highlighter collection and abandoned in favor of reckless- meantime, one retweet = one people not being able to get prom. It’s been awhile since I traded up from there. Then, ness, and I was a fan. respect. in later, which is unfortunate, had done this, so I had to re- I needed a pre-prom gather- They say that this is law I’m also limiting the review but I believe these ever-re- fresh myself on the basics. I ing. My section had a vote on school prom, but really it was a to student organizations and sourceful students found their watched the SpongeBob epi- whether to buy Raising Cane’s timeless event. The songs were programs; otherwise, the li- way to another bar without too sode where he takes Pearl to and pregame with ourselves most of the ones I have been brary (@UVALawLibrary) much trouble. GNR crushed prom, but that didn’t help too or mix with a different section, hearing since middle school would win. Y’all know their the show and lead singer Tri- much. WikiHow gave me some and naturally we went with the activity centers,5 while the open Arthur content is *heart eyes na Rizzo gave a great perfor- underwhelming advice, includ- chicken. Finally, I needed a bar reminded me that, shock- emoji.* mance. I particularly liked the ing “Make sure your cell phone limo to show up in style. That ingly, we’re old enough to be The @UVALaw account addition of “Shout” to the set. I is fully charged” and “Enjoy was out of the budget, but our trusted with drinking respon- would also be a winner be- love any excuse to kick my feet your prom!” One wikiHow Uber driver, Sharadkumar, had sibly. I was having these deep cause, as some of y’all know, and dance like a fool. Unfortu- article had a picture of wine a 4.97 rating and offered mints, thoughts when someone point- they are responsible for my nately, I missed my favorite, with a crossed-out circle over so I’ll let you be the judge of ed out there was toilet paper *fire emoji* phone back- “Toxic,” fighting to get to the someone drinking wine, and so whether a limo would have stuck to my shoe. It was actu- ground of Dean Risa Gol- bar, which was a struggle all I decided the internet was an been better.3 ally a napkin, but the damage uboff and Pharrell Williams. night, but heard it was great. unreliable source of informa- We stepped out of our Uber, to my ego was done, and my It’s truly the greatest photo All in all, 2L Barrister’s tion for this task.1 With my go- and I expected to be greeted by dance moves were much less in the world. was a blast. SBA did a great job to sources of advice exhausted, the Barrister. Unfortunately, wild for the rest of the night. Nevertheless, some of the organizing and seeing people I decided I was going to have to I saw no one dressed in red, The theme of the night was student organizations are all dressed up is always fun. wing it. handing out presents, or look- 007, I think. The photo booth churning out good #content, I love getting to see friends First, I needed a date. I don’t ing like they came of the 19th props were my biggest clue and highlighting the goings-on I don’t see every day, and it’s remember where I left the century English legal system. I maybe the only one.6 Students around North Grounds and always nice to have an excuse megaphone that I used to ask didn’t even see any balls. The seemed to have a lot of fun. beyond. to buy a new dress. I can’t wait my high school date to prom man at the coat check seemed Eliza Schultz ’21 said that “it for next year! with, so this time I settled for confused when I asked. Being was like the bat mitzvah I wish Virginia Law Wom- a simple unilateral contract. an easily deterred person, I I’d had,” despite her bartender en Twitter: @UVALaw- abandoned my search for the not knowing what a seltzer was. Jacob Jones ‘21 Next, I needed to scrounge up Women 2 Girl Scout Event Editor $50 for a ticket. Barrister and decided to search There were no tables where Virginia Law Women cookies were off the table this for a deeper meaning to the you could bid $50 to hang joined twitter in the spring Last semester at PILA, I said time around, so I sold some of night. with someone else’s dog like and has been giving us gifs to my wise PA that the event felt So, we stepped onto the you could at PILA so that was and girl power ever since. @ surprisingly like prom. She re- 1 There are 40 results when dance floor to make the most of a bummer. This was somewhat UVALawWomen’s retweet plied, “Oh no there’s an actual you search wikiHow for prom. the night. I realized that the 3Ls counterbalanced by seeing law game is strong, inspiring law school prom in the spring. There are dozens of wiki- had nothing to lose at this point boyz dress up in silly tuxedos. us all with suc- cessful lady We call it Barrister’s Ball.” Not How articles about prom. My in their law school experience, We were then uplifted to lawyers. knowing what a barrister is theory is that a middle-aged and my fellow 1Ls were a bit too Rapture, where Gunners n’ Follow if you like staying or what he does with balls, I woman in the Midwest named comfortable around each other Roses was doing their first up to date with the women at played it cool and pretended to Betty has written all of them, by this point, leading to a lot performance of their Farewell UVA Law as well as the stel- know what those words meant and her husband, Bill, edits. of DFMOs.4 Social norms were Tour. Despite being packed in lar alumnae. just like I always do when en- like sardines in a barrel, law Ranking: 8 RTs countering other made up law 2 Many people have re- 3 But if you judge against students seemed to have plenty school words. And so, I waited, marked about the high price, Sharadkumar you are of fun. The band also played Public Interest Law As- dreaming about a barrister who especially in comparison to WRONG. some of the songs I loved in sociation | Instagram: was some kind of law school PILA. I talked to an inside middle school, and still do, but @PILAatUVA Santa/genie who would give source on SBA, and while I 4 I recently learned this this time it was way better. While PILA hasn’t tweet- me a clue about fee simples. don’t remember exactly what means “Dance Floor Make- The next morning I woke and ed since 2014, it does have I needed to do everything he said it made me feel better Out” and I’m excited to use I realized that for one magi- a new Instagram account. I could to prepare so I didn’t about paying that much. this hip new lingo. cal night, we had all forgotten With only eight posts, @PI- about all the stresses of law LAatUVA has room for im- school for a night. Through provement, but I have a feel- friendship, we had transcend- ing some spring events will ed themes, legal concepts, and provide good content. time to let loose on the dance Don’t forget to donate, floor and beyond. And may- y’all. Your public service be that’s what a Barrister is. classmates can use it! Friendship.7 Ranking: 6 likes

[email protected] Black Law Students [email protected], jm- Association | Twitter: @ [email protected] UVABLSA | Instagram: @BLSAatUVA @UVABLSA highlights the 5 In retrospect, it was weird organization’s involvement they were playing “Get Low” in the greater Charlottesville and “Hot in Herre” at dances community, which is defi- back then. We were like 12. nitely something to be com- mended. BLSA’s accounts 6 Many thanks to Kolleen also feature some excellent Gladden ’21 for running this! graphics. Plus, last year’s “Nice for What” video was The legendary Jacob Jones ‘21 strikes a pose with Meg McKinley ’21 at the Barrister’s Ball. Their love was blinding. 7 Still no clue what the ball Photo Credit Koleen Gladden ‘21. is though. SOCIAL MEDIA page 6 4 Colophon VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 20 February 2019 LAW WEEKLY FEATURE: Court of Petty Appeals The Court of Petty Appeals is the highest appellate jurisdiction court at UVA Law. The Court has the power to review any and all decisions, conflicts, and disputes that arise involving, either directly, indirectly, or tangentially, the Law School or its students. The Court comprises four associate justices and one Chief Justice. Opinions shall be released periodically and only in the official court reporter: theVirginia Law Weekly. Please email a brief summary of any and all con- flicts to [email protected].

Class of 2019 v. Impend- ing Graduation Justice Jani, dissenting. 889 U.Va. 13 (2019) I dissent from my colleague’s VanderMeulen, C. J., an- ed courts was trauma-addled decision. The nounced the opinion of the Court accuses plaintiffs of mis- Court in which Hopkin, Mal- reading our precedents, but it kowski, and Dostal, JJ., joined. is they who have misconstrued Jani, J., filed a dissenting opin- scary so I don’t our august decisions. How ion. could the Court forget SBA v. Chief Justice VanderMeulen, “F NGSL, 445 U.Va. 256 (1993), one final time, for the Court. which held that softball season The sudden realization that remember a lot of that may not be cancelled without they must graduate in three paying the student body in months’ time swept through kegs for their loss? Or Roberts the 3L class this week, leading v. Scott, 598 U.Va. 100 (1998), members of that class to file and will just pretend I which declared “fundamental” a suit seeking to enjoin said the right to a hearing before graduation and the final exams the administration could cen- preceding it. Plaintiff class sor Libel productions? complains its members “aren’t didn’t read it. — C. J. I can reach no other conclu- ready at all to take finals,” sion than that my Brother Van- “have ZERO idea what the bar derMeulen and his cronies do exam even is,” and “can’t go not, in fact, lament their fast- on without Mandy in [their] VanderMeulen approaching graduation, but in lives.” fact that they relish it, the sick This case comes to us on ap- about is due process and I do we must agree with the Four The lower court’s ruling is fiends. Personally, as a Darden peal from the Court of Petty know that, thank goodness. Horsemen. Post-law-school AFFIRMED. student, I will be here another Complaints, where Judge Joby They claim that graduation summer life sounds pretty not Also, this is my final decision year, so I needn’t yet face the dismissed plaintiffs’ com- being foisted upon them is a fun, we agree. And none of the as Chief Justice. I have been black abyss of existential dread plaint, writing, “You kids are violation of the Fifth Amend- 3L members of this Court are unceremoniously deposed my colleagues now feel. And really sweet, but it’s time you ment right to due process. In ready to be real adults yet; Jus- from the bench by a rowdy, ir- when I do, there will be plenty got out there into the world support of that proposition, tice Malkowski informs us that reverent bunch of 2Ls. They’ve of Xanax and expensive liquor and started donating to the they cite Ballenger v. 2Ls, 645 the post-law-school TV-watch- forced me into early retire- to get me through it. Law School.” We now affirm. U.Va. 1 (1994), in which this ing environment is very bleak ment without even a ceremoni- Accordingly, I dissent. I Court held that 2Ls can’t be indeed. al gavel to show for it. Protest All good things must come to made to go through OGI with- But the Four Horsemen letters may be sent to editor@ an end. See, e.g., Lunchtime. out some kind of hearing and a make a good point: They did lawweekly.org. [email protected] But see, e.g., Libel—which nev- right to “cry their little hearts send that “Apply for Gradu- It is so ordered. er, in fact, ends. So it must be out,” and Haden v. Lisa, 778 ation” email notifying all 3Ls with the Class of 2019’s time U.Va. 888 (2015), in which of the need to, in their words, at the University of Virginia the Court declared the end of “get the hell out of here and Correction School of Law. Plaintiffs—112 sweet snacks in the Snack Of- into some kind of livelihood for members of the 3L class, not fice a cognizable loss for which once in your life.” The email Last week, the Law Weekly attributed the Shaping Jus- including JD/MBAs—com- plaintiffs could sue. may not have been very long; it tice conference to PILA. However, the Law Weekly did plain that the end of law school II certainly wasn’t very interest- not correctly state all who were responsible for making and coming of such awful Plaintiffs misread our prec- ing. But we find that the curso- the event a great success. The four responsible for the things as finals, the graduation edents. While it is true that no ry “apply for graduation” email Shaping Justice conference were Rachel Davidson Ray- reception’s “summer cocktail one can be forced to interview suffices for process allotted to craft ’20 (PILA), Professor Crystal Shin (LPS), Dean An- attire,” and a mind-numbing for jobs without being given a plaintiffs before their dreams nie Kim (PSC), and Lena Welch ’20 (LPS). summer filled with no-drinks hearing, a proper hankie, and were seized from them. bar review entitles them to an a shoulder “of ample width” to Besides, not everyone is The Law Weekly regrets the error injunction against this parade cry on, there can be no analogy sad to graduate. Amici calling of horribles. between OGI and graduation. themselves “THree-Els Enjoy- Plaintiffs must have hired Defendant Graduation, repre- ing Nearing Doom” posit to us Faculty Quotes Professor Jeffries to be their sented by Deans Goluboff, Ken- that they “can’t wait to leave lawyer or something because drick, Davies, and Donovan this hellhole” and that they’re Prakash: “We need more A. Vollmer: “Some of you they make a whole lot of claims (aka the Four Horsemen), in- “really over seeing Vineyard holidays that the law school will out there are more anal than about declaratory relief and sists that while OGI is “option- Vines shit.” With such a di- ignore” I am . . . I am pretty anal, use the word “equitable” a lot. al,” there is in fact “no place to vide in the 3L class, we cannot but some people are worse, Fed Courts was scary so I don’t put you if you don’t graduate” in good conscience rule that a Ad. Bamzai: “You can, for and some of them are in this remember a lot of that and will and “this is all very silly.” Much group of sentimental slackers reasons that still escape me, room.” just pretend I didn’t read it. though it pains us to agree with like plaintiffs needn’t gradu- have your refrigerator connect- The other thing plaintiffs talk the literal embodiment of evil, ate. ed to the internet.” R. Verkerke: “I have a lust for diamonds” J. Setear: “Contracts lawyers are to blame for WWII, and I’ll J. Harrison: “I know you explain why” came to law school because Virginia Law Weekly you can’t do math . . . me too.” R. Harmon: [Trying to think COLOPHON of a word] “I’m suffering from D. Hellman: “I like to M. Eleanor Schmalzl ‘20 noun deficiency syndrome.” gamble. It’s fine with me! Editor-in-Chief Christina Luk ’21 Executive Editor David Ranzini ‘20 Sarah-Jane Lorenzo ’21 Taylor Elicegui ’20 Managing Editor Production Editor Features Editor

Samuel Pickett ’21 Lena Welch ‘20 Grace Tang ’21 News Editor New Media Editor Lifestyle Editor Kolleen Gladden ’21 Douglas Graebner ’21 Anand Jani ’20 Photographer Format Editor Special Projects Editor Jacob Jones ’21 Michael Schmid ‘21 Tyler D’Ambrose ‘21 Events Editor Historical Editor Columns Editor

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EDITORIAL POLICY: The Virginia Law Weekly publishes letters and columns of interest to the Law School and the legal community at large. Views expressed in such submissions are those of the author(s) and not necessarily those of the Law Weekly or the Editorial Board. Letters from organizations must bear the name, signature, and title of the person authorizing the submission. All letters and columns must either be submitted in hardcopy bearing a handwritten signature along with an electronic version, or be mailed from the author’s e-mail account. Sub- missions must be received by 12 p.m. Sunday before publication and must be in accordance with the submission guidelines. Letters and/or columns over 1200 words may not be accepted. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions for length, grammar, and clarity. Although every effort is made to publish all materials meeting our guidelines, we regret that not all submissions received can be published. Wednesday, 20 February 2019 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Hot Bench 5

and former Law Weekly EIC started contributing to its FAREWELL J. Gordon Hylton ’77, who pages. One night, I stopped continued from page 1 passed away last spring.8 The to talk to Frank, the night- Letter to the Editor on Judge Amul Thapar’s way I see it, people can get time security guard, and visit to the Law School made their news from anywhere. told him I was with the pa- Letters of interest to the Law School community may be it onto SCOTUSblog’s fea- People don’t pick up the Law per. “It’s gotten a lot bet- sent to [email protected]. Letters may be published at ture on Thapar’s jurispru- Weekly for our hot takes on ter these last few years,” he the discretion of the Editorial Board and are subject to editing dence.5 These pieces and current events or our news told me. “Way more thumbs for grammar, style, and clarity, but not content or viewpoint. others helped secure our pa- about Supreme Court opin- ups, not so many thumbs The Law Weekly does not necessarily endorse the content or per the aforementioned ABA ions. The paper continues to downs.” Our improvement viewpoint of any letter herein published. awards. grow and thrive because we showed: After years in the But that’s not what kept offer something no one else wilderness, the Law Weekly me at the Law School un- can: stories about life at the has won the ABA’s Best Law “I Hate The Economist” Obama’s nuclear deal in fa- til ungodly hours eating Law School from the per- School Newspaper award Thoughts from a Law Weekly vour of tight sanctions.”1 more Domino’s in two and spective of students. each of the last two years. Guest Writer So like, as a strictly logical a half years than any human And make no mistake: I could go on about in- computer, I have to ask, are should in a lifetime. I stayed The Law Weekly is thriving. creased circulation and Ben Lucy ’20 you aware that the “JCPOA’s for the Law Weekly’s docu- When I got to Charlottes- growing classes of 1Ls on nuclear constraints” have al- mentation of life at the Law ville as a 1L, the paper was the paper’s staff, but you It has gradually occurred ready been lifted? Okay, may- School. For pieces like the just beginning to recover get the point. To all of you to me that I will criticize The be I’m an algorithm that also one that gave advice on how from a low point in its his- loyal readers, thank you for Economist, the only news understands basic contracts, to survive bear encounters tory. Our predecessors in the picking the paper up off the publication that I both hate but yeah this is some pretty (“The Bear Necessities,” 9 mid-teens had run the paper stands and for telling me and pay money to read. one-sided propaganda non- Sept. 2017) and profiles on into the ground with juvenile you’re not sure if ANG is a I usually kind of enjoy the sense. Law School badasses like garbage. Pot shots, mean man or a woman. publication, the same way I I get that the Economist is Chinny Sharma ’19.6 jokes, even gross racial stuff. To Professor Doran, sorry enjoy The American Conser- run by a crack team of like For origin stories, like the A look at the Law Weekly’s for putting your quotes in vative, because a lot of smart 500 MI6/CIA college interns one about Professor Mitch- 2013 or 2014 pages is a look the Faculty Quotes section people work there and they’re from conservative economics ell’s redhead obsession,7 at a dying newspaper sadly even though you told me not generally more libertarian, and political science depart- and final chapters, like our fallen from its glory days. to, and p.s. it’s pronounced so nowadays there’s this im- ments around the world, but in memoriam for Professor The editor-in-chief when I “broach.” I am glad to say pulse to say things that are, I will say unabashedly that it was a 1L was Alex Haden ’17, that as the Law Weekly be- like, shocking to the neoliber- unnerves me how every ar- guild-notes/article/a-view-from- who had joined during what gins its seventy-second year, alcon establishment or what- ticle is reported like it’s God’s august-12th-legal-observers-in- he called “the bad years.” the paper is as strong as ever, and I need those kinds truth without a name attrib- charlottesville/. Under the leadership of Alex ever and poised to continue of things to survive. So we get uted to it. and then Jenna Goldman to provide readers with the along fairly well. Maybe there’s like a special 5 https://www.scotusblog. ’18, the Law Weekly turned things they love about it— This weekend I made the British way that you attribute com/2018/07/potential-nominee- around. Professors emailed yes, even you, people who mistake of reading “How to names to things and I’m just profile-amul-thapar/. me telling me the paper had complain when we replace deal with the mullahs” from not looking in the right place, “come a long way.” Faculty the sudoku with a cool cross- the February 9 edition. (I but it’s weird. Anyways, true 6 https://www.lawweekly. members who had hated word. I’m proud to have love how they don’t capitalize story, I wrote in to my home- org/features/2019/2/1/hot-bench- the paper’s mean streak and been a part of this fine old words in their titles. So edgy! town newspaper one time the chinny-sharma-19. disliked the paper generally Law School tradition, and So liberated!) criticize its editorial board it is with confidence that I Synopsis: To get Iran to do for criticizing Robert Bentley 7 https://www.lawweekly.org/ 8 https://www.lawweekly.org/ hand off the reins to a new what would be best for the (years before the whole he- features/2018/9/11/lunch-with- features/2018/5/2/in-memoriam- group of leaders. writers of The Economist, was-a-hypocrite thing), and professor-mitchell-it-all-started- an-interview-with-professor-j- “America needs to mix firm- I specifically called them out with-a-redhead. gordon-hylton. [email protected] ness with pragmatism…” for not affixing their name to Yeah, so basically another the attack on Bentley. completely meaningless ar- My parents literally didn’t about law school before 16. Spirit animal? ticle by these status-quo pro- tell me what editorials were continuedHOT from page coming to UVA Law? Wolf. paganda hacks, but it sets as a child. I’m embarrassed How to use all those cool some norms that I think are about this to this day. So I’m BENCH Word functions that parale- 17. What are your fa- conversation-worthy even hesitant on this one. Like, gals know how to use. vorite foods? though the substance of the maybe every Economist arti- Sushi, cookie dough, and piece is not. cle is an editorial? If that’s the 8. What did you have gummy bears. Anyways, sometimes The case, could the smart macro for breakfast this morn- Economist writes these sen- people come in and tell the ing? 18. If you won the lot- tences, and they seem like PolySci people how to write? Avocado toast with crushed tery, what would you do they’re stating facts, but then Back in reality, it’s really red pepper. with the money? if you think about it you’re frustrating that supposedly Buy a lot of aromatherapy like wait a second (1) some objective or mainstream news 9. If you could live any- candles. British people definitely wrote sources operate so transpar- where, where would it this sentence, ugh they’re the ently as organs of the state. be? 19. If you had Matrix- worst and (2) definitely some Maybe next week we can talk Venice (but only in a uni- like learning, what would of them were high-fiving when about The Economist’s cover- Sydney Mark ‘19 verse where it stops sinking). you learn? they finally wrote this sen- age of Venezuela? How to code. tence and (3) my God—they, 1. What are you most 10. What’s your least an alleged news organization, [email protected] excited for during your favorite sound? 20. What would be the have written this sentence spring semester in Char- Nails on a chalkboard. title of your autobiogra- exactly as if they were report- lottesville? phy? ing facts, but really it’s just a Libel Show, obvi. 11. What’s the best gift Whoops! bunch of highly controversial 1 I have this subscription you’ve ever received? conjectural nonsense! Again! because this charming English 2. What is your favorite A royal title of Sealand–– 21. Where is a place you “If Iran casts off the college student called me and word? you may refer to me as Lady haven’t been but want to JCPOA’s nuclear constraints, was like “Hey do you want Schvitzy (Yiddish for Sydney of Sealand. travel to? America and Israel will have some discounted The Econo- sweaty). New Zealand. to choose between the risk of mist” and I was like “Haha my 12. Britney Spears or Iran building a nuclear bomb brother-in-law is British you 3. Where did you grow Christina Aquilera? 22. Oxford comma or and the dangers of a bombing folks are alright yes that’d be up? Xtina. nah? campaign to stop it.” great here’s my credit card.” Raleigh, NC. HUNDY P, Oxford comma. That’s like saying, “If that He found me in America. 4. If you could meet 13. What is the best bus crosses the street, I will He knows I’m in America. one celebrity, who would concert you have ever 23. Coke or Pepsi? have to choose between the Why am I reading “favour”? it be and why? been to? Diet Coke and anything risk of also crossing the street Why can’t they tailor my Pitbull––hands down. He LMFAO/Ludacris/Black else is wrong. or pulling out my gun and de- user experience as closely as is a lyrical genius. Eyed Peas. 24. Where’s your fa- claring that no one is cross- they apparently can tailor my 5. What’s your favorite vorite place in the law ing this street anymore.” Like prospective-user experience? hobby to avoid the stress 14. What’s your favor- school? yeah, okay, sure, maybe? But Anyways, yeah, definitely not of law school? ite thing to do in Charlot- The study room by the isn’t it weird to say? Are they gonna renew. Dance party in my room. tesville? bookstore. It’s one of the only dichotomous? Is it clear that Wineries on the weekends. places you can study and one or the other is the only 6. Where is your favor- spread out reaaaaaal wide. solution? ite place to vacation? 15. If you could make From another angle: pre- Anywhere that’s warm one rule that every- 25. What are you most tend I’m a machine learn- with sand. Can’t wait for Ha- one had to follow, what excited for in thinking ing algorithm that literally waii with some of my favorite would it be? about your upcoming learned to read from this ar- law school people. Everyone would have to summer in NYC? ticle. Even I know that “the listen to at least one Pitbull All of the cannoli! JCPOA” means “Mr. Obama’s 7. What’s something song every day. #dale ---- accord,” and that President you wish you’d known [email protected] Trump “abandoned Barack 6 The Back Page VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 20 February 2019

ing information with a bit of Cartoon By HAMZA SOCIAL MEDIA silliness. Plus, they tweeted continued from page 3 about the Shaping Justice *100 emoji*. Conference, so… Ranking: 10 RTs Ranking: 7 RTs

Latin American Law Federalist Society | Organization | Twitter: Twitter: @FedSocAtU- @UVA_LALO | Insta- VALaw | Instagram: @ gram: @LALOatUVALaw FedSocAtUVALaw LALO’s Twitter account Fed Soc’s Twitter and Ins- primarily tweets out its In- tagram accounts are focused stagram photos, which au- on its events, perfect if you tomatically improves their want to be in the know for #hashtag game. everything it’s sponsoring. Also, it has posted about Good graphics and timely the Shaping Justice Confer- information make these a ence and the Virginia Law couple of well-run social me- Weekly, and that goes a long dia accounts. way with this reporter. Ranking: 8 RTs Ranking: 9 RTs Program in Law and William Minor Lile Public Service | Insta- Moot Court Competition gram: @LPSatUVALaw | Twitter: @LileMoot- The Program in Law and Court Public Service is new to In- @LileMootCourt features stagram, but it is definitely some excellent photos. Its worth a follow. tone is particularly positive The idea behind it is sim- and encouraging. ple: public service students Even if you’re not writing do cool things. Plus, the boo- a brief, you may want to give merang of Robbie Pomeroy them a follow for the good ’19 and Spencer Ryan ’19 is luck GIFs. It’s also a good one of the best posts on the introduction to #Appella- internet. teTwitter, so prepare for the Ranking: 10 Likes quote tweets. Ranking: 8 RTs [email protected] American Constitution Society | Twitter: @AC- SatUVA @ACSatUVA has a self- deprecating tone to its tweets. I expect its following will increase with its student convention coming up. In the meantime, give them a follow for interest-

TIME EVENT LOCATION COST FOOD? WEDNESDAY – February 20 11:00 – Class Ring Promo Event Bookstore Still too much ---- 16:00 You know the Lexis Lunch WB 101 Free 12:00 drill Puzzle 1 (Very hard, difficulty ratingSUDOKU 0.91) Legal Practice at the NSA Call your Mom and tell 12:00 ft. General Counsel Glenn Caplin Pavilion ---- her you’re going Gerstell RSVP online or to Hors d’oeuvres, 16:00 – Women in Biglaw Various 4 8 6 5 19:15 [email protected] wine 18:15 ASL Meeting WB 105 Free ---- Lambda Pres: Movie Light 20:00 Ivy Clubhouse Free 5 2 3 Night: Paris is Burning refreshments THURSDAY – February 21 JLSA/MLSA Pres: 1 5 4 12:00 – Religious Minorities in Big SL 294 Free Food served 13:00 Law—Balancing Faith and the Billable Hour The Foreign Policy of the 6 9 8 1 12:00 Purcell Free Future West Coast Wahoos 15:30 – SL 211/217; reception t Hospitality Suites, Career RSVP online Hors d’oeuvres in Purcell 1 3 19:30 Panel, Reception 17:00 – Bluebooking Session WB 152 Free ---- 18:00 FRIDAY – February 22 8 1 2 9 APALSA/SALSA/WOC 12:00 WB 128 Free ---- Journal Tryout Info Sess. FLF: Human Rights Work 7 3 9 12:00 Purcell Free Lunch provided

o c k e & Feminism 15:00 ACS Student Convention Caplin Free ---- 5 6 2 SATURDAY – February 23 Law Families Play Day @ Bounce, 127 Seminole With RSVP to VLF Bring own

D 10:00 Bounce Court online Goldfish, juice One-Day UVA—Jazz: 6 7 1 3 14:00 – Exploring the History and Colonnade Club $200 ---- 22:00 Music h e SUNDAY – February 24 Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku Solutionon Mon Feb 18 22:16:33 2019 GMT. Enjoy! UVA Chamber Music 15:30 – Students free in T Series Albemarle Old Cabell Hall ---- 17:00 advance, $5 door Ensemble MONDAY – February 25 13:00 Common Law Grounds Caplin Free ---- R I C E

TUESDAY – February 26 Career Svcs: New York Small group Caplin Pavilion Free 15:40 -18:00 City Day dinners follow Fin. Aid Pres: Saving & Refreshments A M O K 15:45 – Investing Strategies w/ WB 128 Free 17:00 served Prof. Paul Mahoney 17:00 Sustainable Food at UVA WB 104 Free Food served WEDNESDAY – February 27 Night of Self-Expression ft. 18:00 – [email protected] FLF/DVP/VLW/The TBA ---- T I D E 19:30 for info Vagina Monologues In those days shall men seek death, and One woe is past, and If any man have Journal Tryout Sign-up shall not find it; and behold, there come an ear, let him 20:00 Deadline shall desire to die, and two woes more S N E hear! S death shall flee from hereafter them