WEATHER, p. 2 God doesn’t make WED: 16°F | 32°F mistechs Doesn’t hurt THU: the same Hurts just a little bit mistech.com FRI: every day is the same Hurts a lot
Volume 138, Number Wednesday, December 12, 2018 Following majority of its undergrads, MIT will sell out too Sellout will include new feeder college for Amazon and Facebook By Gordon Gecco by their work at higher rates than ever BLACKSTONE PRESS before,” Provost Martin Schmartin said in an interview with Big Mistech. Following the lead of wave after “So we sat down and said, fuck it, wave of undergraduate students, MIT if they’re smart enough to get into offi cials announced Friday that the MIT, we may as well learn from their Institute, too, will just give in and sell example!” the fuck out. Many logistical details of the Th e decision was inspired by sellout are still up in the air, but it is President L. Rafael Reif’s assertion in expected to include ramped-up in- the MIT Technology Review that “the vestments in fossil fuel startups, in- best way to fi nd the path to the future creased promotion of MIT’s defense is to follow our students,” and his sub- research facilities, and, of course, sequent, unpublished observation a feeder school for Facebook and that most MIT students are greedy Amazon to be called the Stephen A. rats who gladly would nuke a small Schwarzman College of Computing. BLOOMBERG NEWS island nation for a fi ve percent bonus. It will also coincide with a full di- “Our students are starting use- vestment from community service, From left to right, Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, Sheryl Sandberg, Stephen A. Schwarzman, L. Rafael Reif, less AI companies, cultivating sterile fi nancial aid, and therapy dogs. Mohammed bin Salman, and Charles and David Koch celebrate MIT nally burying whatever moral managerial personalities, and ignor- scruples it once had for treasures and riches yet unheard of. ing the larger societal harm caused Sellout, Page 3 Report concludes Khashoggi ‘We reject rejection’: almost severed MIT-Saudi ties MIT to accept all Institute ends relationship with dead journalist applicants in 2019 By J. Khash-Money linking Saudi government offi cials Mohammed bin Salman (known 8.01 to increase group size to four DEFINITELY NOT A DISSIDENT! to the murder.” as MBS to friends and an estimat- Th e panel reported the diplo- ed 17 million Yemenis deprived By Hopeful Smith interview with Big Mistech. “By After concluding their investiga- matic incident that threatened to of access to food as a result of his HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT admitting all students, we’re go- tion of Washington Post journalist taint MIT’s longstanding relation- regime’s bombardment of Yemeni ing to be fulfi lling our offi ce’s Jamal Khashoggi and confi rming ship with a major foreign ally and civilian territory, hospitals, wed- MIT Admissions announced mission.” his role in implicating Saudi Crown global terrorism sponsor will have dings, and markets with the help Wednesday that, in an eff ort to Suzy Nelson, vice president Prince Mohammed bin Salman no eff ect on Saudi Arabian petro- of U.S. arms). “We cannot in good make the Institute more “wel- and dean for student life, said she in the journalist’s alleged torture, leum company Aramco’s invest- conscience continue any working coming,” all applicants will be ac- strongly supported the decision beheading, and bodily dismem- ment in the MIT Energy Initiative. relationship with those intending cepted starting next year. to accept all applicants. “It’s very berment at the Saudi consulate in Th e panel’s report also announced to spoil our profi table partnership Th is policy will extend to appli- important to reduce students’ Ankara, Turkey, MIT offi cials an- that the journalist’s murder and with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia cants who are obviously unquali- stress levels. We need to put this nounced they would be cutting mutilation under direct orders of and must condemn Saudi thugs fi ed, such as seventh graders and into practice even before they get all ties with the deceased Saudi the Crown Prince would not af- like Khashoggi who continue to as- people without perfect SAT scores. to MIT,” she said in an interview journalist. fect Institute plans to rename the sassinate the character of his Royal About 20,000 students ap- with Big Mistech. Th e MIT panel responsible for Media Lab in honor of the Crown Highness Crown Prince Moham- ply to MIT each year. MIT’s class Asked where the massive infl ux the investigation cited in their offi - Prince’s historic visit to the depart- med bin Salman.” size is projected to increase of students will live, Nelson said all cial report the damning heap of ev- ment last March. When Big Mistech reporters fur- dramatically. students will live in MIT’s “abun- idence against Khashoggi in almost When reached for comment, ther pressed Reif about Saudi Ara- Th is policy will reaffi rm MIT’s dance of housing.” damaging the Institute’s relation MIT President L. Rafael Reif reaf- bia’s list of human rights violations commitment to inclusion, MIT “We recognize that there are with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, fi rmed MIT’s unconditional loyalty — including the fact that adultery, Admissions said in its statement. both advantages and disadvantag- which included “[Khashoggi’s] sev- to Saudi Arabian investment and atheism, blasphemy, sorcery, and It will also help the offi ce of ad- es to every decision,” MIT Admis- ered fi ngers, detached head, muti- denounced Khashoggi for nearly missions to do its most important sions said in its announcement. lated body, and audio recordings alienating MIT ally Crown Prince Severed, Page 2 work. “Our current concerns are ensur- “As the offi ce of admissions, ing enough associate advisors, we’ve got one job: to admit stu- Thunder booms as MIT declares dents,” Stu Schmill ’86 said in an Rejection, Page 9 TODAY’S MASS new dorm’s name ‘Final House’ e hymns can be found on p. , , and of the missallette. Nelson: this one ‘is the end of the line’ Today’s readings will be: By The Damned new dormitory under construction “I think it’s nice they’re still go- He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut o , shall STAPH INFECTION on Vassar Street will be known as ing strong with the naming conven- not enter into the congregation of the LORD. (Deuteronomy : ) “Final House.” tion we all love,” a student watch- Lightning fl ashed and a one-eyed “We’ve had New House, and ing the announcement told Big And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms raven cawed as a hooded President we’ve had Next House,” Dean for Mistech, seemingly unaware of the in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the L. Rafael Strife stood upon the steps Student Life and Death Oozy Nelson wind howling above with the fury teats of their virginity. (Ezekiel : ) of 77 Massachusetts Avenue, raising cackled ominously in an interview of a thousand tormented souls. “It’s his arms skyward and announcing with Big Mistech. “Th is is the end of Send praise and worship to [email protected]. in a raspy, gurgling voice that the the line.” Final, Page 2
THE MOST EXPEN- ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH SPORTING DEATH TOO PRO-CHOICE? SECTIONS Abstract ...... 4 SIVE SWIMMING Gal pal sine waves sync periods. CAM- 33 pieces of jewelry that New Elder Scrolls Introduction ...... 8 LESSONS PUS LIFE, p. 32 just scream ‘fuck you Cindy game will have no Prior Work ...... 15 Barnhart!’ FASHION, p. content because your Methodology . . . .16 My super-senior fall at MIT SCIENTISTS CURE CANCER 128 character’s mother got MIT. CAMPUS LIFE, Results ...... 23 Researchers remove all cancer-causing an abortion. ARTS, p. Analysis ...... 42 p. 16 genes using CRISPR. SCIENCE, p. 64 256 2 Big Mistech Wednesday, December 12, 2018
WEATHER
130°W 125°W 120°W 115°W 110°W 105°W 100°W 95°W 90°W 85°W 80°W 75°W 70°W 65°W 60°W Sunny with 40°N metaphorical clouds of depression 35°N
By Debbie Downer those in the proverbially clouded 30°N SEROTONIN DEFICIENT regions could see showers, most are unlikely to get out of bed to After a rainy fall, MIT will be take one. Temperatures under getting some welcome sun in the the symbolic clouds will hover coming week, accompanied by around the average, but spirits 25°N localized metaphorical clouds of are likely to hit an all-time low. depression lingering over certain Looking to the following week, students. We’ll see dry high 50s things are fixing to stay cold and for temperatures, except in the dry, except Brian’s rave party, figuratively cloudy areas which which could see record amounts are expected to be cold, damp, of snow, and Brian’s abs, which and lonely. Although some of are hot as fuck. Situation for Noon Eastern Time, Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Weather Systems Weather Fronts Precipitation Symbols Other Symbols Snow Rain Happiness Extended Forecast High Pressure Trough Showers Being Okay Warm Front Today: Maybe eat something. Light Low Pressure In the Dumps Cold Front Tonight: Insomnia. Moderate Compiled by MIT Hurricane Meteorology Staff Tomorrow: Wonder why she left. Stationary Front Heavy and The Tech Saturday: Laugh at the utter farce your life has become. Sunday: Regret that you can’t even cry anymore.
ASA derecognizes MIT administration for having less than 50 percent student input The latest act in the ASA’s Derecognition of Terror
By Rue L. Enforcer has been able to go unnoticed for this spoke an anonymous student in a fit ’22 commented sadly, “The loss of Others are glad that Admin is fi- ASA PRESIDENT long; though it is the oldest student of rage. our beloved Administration is a trag- nally off their necks. Jade D. Junior organization on campus, Admin has “They literally had 157 years to edy I will mourn deeply. Administra- ’20 proclaimed in relief, “The ASA fi- The ASA announced Monday actually seen a dearth of student par- derecognize Admin. Why do it now, tion has birthed some of the most nally got it right, for once. Who knew that it has derecognized the MIT ad- ticipation ever since its inception. unless there was something sketchy beautifully sanitized culture MIT rules and regulations could work in ministration for having less than 50 In any case, Admin’s derecogni- going behind the scenes in the ASA?” has to offer; MIT will truly not be our favor! I won’t miss Admin one percent student participation. This tion brings along a cloud of confu- We asked Tim Beaver, secretary to the the same without their benevolent bit.” is the latest “student” group derecog- sion regarding the state of gover- president of the ASA, for comment. intervention.” In any case, it seems Admin is nition by the ASA after it evicted the nance at MIT. Now that Admin has “Don’t look at me,” he said. “I’m just Another student, Lacey Susin out for good, at least until they can MIT Gilbert & Sullivan Players from been ousted from ASA-recognition- doing what the higher-ups say to do.” ’21, commented, “They made the acquire more student representa- student-group-hood this past spring ship, what remains of order and When asked for commentary, the hefty decisions I didn’t want to think tion. But a string of questions still semester. peace on this campus? president declined to respond. about; they spoke out for me when I remain unanswered. What sort of It seems the ASA has finally The latest derecognition has Others students are just de- was too tired from psetting to speak collusion within the MIT governing begun cracking down on student sparked a variety of reactions from pressed that Admin, the group that out on my own. Student representa- bodies allowed Admin to get away groups that dare challenge the n- the student body. Some students had advocated on their behalf for so tion is honestly overrated — when with their misdeeds for so long in dimensional constraints stipulated have complained that the ASA is long, is now silenced. When asked you’ve got important things like psets the first place? And what corruption on the ASA’s Lengthy List of Laws. outrageously misusing their pow- how she thinks Admin’s derecogni- to do, how can you expect us to worry continues to froth beneath the murky However, it is surprising that Admin er. “Who do they think they are!?” tion will affect student life, Vera Petty about civic engagement?” waters of student body governance?
New training program teaches fraternity members how to use locks Administrators hope program will reduce number of burglaries
By Burglar program, members were asked to fully into a lock in a prop door in McBro ’20 questioned why the session. Furthermore, many mem- MALE, 5’9, WEARING A BASEBALL CAP define “lock.” Answers included order to allow it to turn. The act training was necessary. McBro bers have shown up inebriated, “a strand of hair,” “that thing that was followed by muffled laughter said, “We have great security now several of them underage, prompt- This fall, as a result of the high boats use,” and “cock with an L.” and a shout of “That’s what I did to as a result of frontier methods like ing further concern. incidence of burglaries occurring Members were surprised to learn your mom last night!” blockchain. It seems like a waste When asked about the effec- at fraternities, Vice Chancellor that this was a mechanism for se- Dick Richards ’19 of Theta Tau of time to be teaching us students tiveness of the program, Turco Ian Waitz and the MIT Police have curing an item, and further sur- was surprised that it was neces- how to use outdated physical responded, “I don’t know but I’d partnered together with the IFC to prised to learn that each of their sary to turn the key in the lock. He mechanisms like this.” sure like to stop sending so many pilot methods to increase frater- doors had one. explained that he had previously Overall, administrators have of those goddamn emails.” In addi- nity house security. Part of the pi- Next, members were taught only relied on the “pull-out” meth- expressed positive hopes for the tion, he remarked, “While victims lot includes a training program to how to use a key with a lock. MIT od, whereby one inserts a key into program, but so far attendance has of crime are never to be blamed for teach members how to use locks. Police Captain Andrew J. Turco a lock and promptly pulls it out. been poor, with less than 20 frater- criminal activity, these dumbasses On the first day of the training demonstrated how to insert a key Phi Kappa Theta member Joe nity members at the first training are really asking for it.”
Lightning breaks ground for dorm MIT almost estranged
Final, from Page 1 presence as the effects of “MTV boding naming of the dormitory, brain.” Executioner and President of from beloved Saudis little quirks like this that make me Wrathew Bauer, excommu- Vices Azrael Ruiz told Big Mistech glad I chose MIT.” nications director and special that the title has “as little mean- The digging of the founda- henchman to Dean Nelson, ing as your pathetic life has to our Severed, from Page 1 be reconsidering MIT’s relation- tion for the dorm was completed stroked a hissing black cat as he Dark Lord, as little meaning as all ship with the 2,977 victims of the recently, concluding with the explained to Big Mistech that the human civilization will have once waging war on God are punishable Sept. 11 attacks and their families emergence of a malevolent flame purpose of the dorm is to create a His work is complete!” by death under the Saudi legal sys- for their responsibility in exposing from the depths below. In a very “living experience for students so East Campus resident Myles tem — the reporters were promptly the Saudi government’s support of spooky email to Big Mistech, immersive… so irresistible… so Bowker ’20 praised the tone of escorted out of the President’s of- several hijackers involved in the Supreme Chancellor Skinthia all-consuming… that our under- the announcement, saying “I like fice and tortured by a 15-member deadliest foreign attack to occur on Burnhart dismissed the flame as graduates will want to remain at the alternative vibe they’ve got Saudi assassination squad. American soil through their per- a gas main leak, and the murmur- MIT… perhaps... forever.” going, but would it kill them to At press time, Institute offi- sistent but denied attempts to sue ing, unearthly voices heard in its When pressed about the fore- make it dining-optional?” cials announced they would also Saudi Arabia. Wednesday, December 12, 2018 Big Mistech 3 Pretty cute watching The Tech MIT builds staircase play weekly game of ‘real to Great Dome to newspaper’ improve student safety A treat to see staffers running around like what Design to include hand railings and they do really matters ADA-compliant ramp
By Alyssa P. Hacker Big Mistech, Suzy Nelson, Dean By Bobby Brownford sounds, was equally enchanted. “What are you talking about? It’s not NIGHTTIME WANDERER of Student Life, wrote, “We care BOSTON RESIDENT “Of course I let them come in and a game! It’s not pretend! Journalism about the safety of student who pretend to interview me every so is one of the most important insti- Construction last week started hack and want them to have the Students and faculty alike often,” she said. “They make a few tutions in society! It’s the first draft to build a permanent staircase safest and most positive experi- looked on in amused condescen- quaint jabs at adversarial questions, of history! Sure, it’s hard to balance to the large dome. This policy is ence at MIT.” sion as staffers at The Tech, MIT’s I act like I’m flustered, and at the heavy workloads and lack of man- completely opposite of previous The design includes hand rail- school newspaper club, once again end I hand them our press release power with our desire for journal- actions by MIT, which involved ings and an ADA-compliant ramp. scurried their way about campus and they publish something based istic excellence, but we’re doing installing locks and cameras to A number of other changes this week in an endearingly futile at- off that!” our best here! It’s people like you, deter hacking. around campus have also focused tempt to emulate “real journalism.” Sources reportedly chuckled not taking us seriously, who make This action aligns with policy on protecting students who par- Onlookers grinned, charmed, as upon seeing the appearance of our jobs that much harder! Do you changes throughout the state take in potentially dangerous ac- the darling “reporters” wrote pre- The Tech’s meager “newspapers” know how difficult it is to get quotes which improve the safety of peo- tivities, like the creation of sleep cious little emails to administra- along the Infinite Corridor, bearing for a story? Everyone wants to be ple doing dangerous acts. The reg- pods in Building 26 for students tors, asked interview questions with crudely penned stories everyone anonymous! That doesn’t let us ulation of the marijuana industry who pull consecutive all-nighters lots of big words, and stubbornly had already heard about three days off the hook, but it would be a hell and the introduction of super- and the paid parental leave pro- checked the Associated Press Style- ago. “Sometimes I think we should of a lot nicer to do our jobs if we vised drug injection facilities are gram for people who adopt babies book during editing. tell them that you can just get what’s could get an ounce of god damned just two examples of the focus on while in graduate school. “Look how focused they are on happening by reading MIT News or respect!” safety happening nearby MIT. Upon completion on the stair- getting the headline kerning exactly Confessions nowadays, but they See what we mean? The little This flip in policy came after case, MIT will install clips on the right,” said a student observing The think their work is so significant it guy was sooo into it! We wanted the Administration evaluated the roof of Building 7 to more safely Tech’s production, who wished to would break their itty bitty hearts!” to cut him off but he was just too success of the expanded Good Sa- hang hacks and high-traction remain anonymous because he one student said. adorable, playing along perfectly maritan Amnesty Policy at getting surfaces on all building roofs to knows fame would change him. Big Mistech spoke with one with his pretend life as a big angry help to students who have alcohol reduce risks of slipping after rain “It’s so cute when they act like what happy little “editor” at The Tech, journalist. or drug poisoning. In a letter to storms. they do really matters in any way, who asked to remain anonymous In other news, next week stu- shape, or form!” because he knows better than any- dents are expected to delight in the One administrator, who pre- one you shouldn’t talk to the press. antics of the MIT EMS as they par- fers to stay anonymous because He played his role of overzealous take in their loveable game of “big she doesn’t like the way her name newspaperman perfectly, saying noisy fire truck!” Central Square shops to be replaced Yet another bold experiment: with huge Starbucks Comm. on Undergrad. Program As 2019 begins, so commences votes to remove the first year the death of Central Square Change put forth by Designing the First Year class, described By Lan de Gentry bucks has also contracted with as ‘a concrete effort to improve the first year’ CORPORATE SHILL CSAIL researchers to design AI that will improve efficiency of cof- By the end of this year, most fee preparation by 500 percent. of the stores in Central Square With this efficiency increase, By Gerald I. Robinson to students (not) incoming in Fall The absence of freshmen from will be closing their doors for the the expanded Starbucks will re- PRINCIPAL OF CHEMICAL SCIENCE 2019. This will be a two-year exper- campus for two years will also allow final time, except for one. Demo- quire only a single employee at iment, after which its merits and time for the Vassar Street Residence lition will begin January 2019 to any given time. “We’re excited to As part of an experiment, the demerits will be evaluated, and a hall to be completed, resolving over- make way for the expansion of be leveraging local technologi- MIT administration has decided change in policy may be initiated. crowding issues in dorms. Starbucks. cal developments to reduce our to entirely remove the first year at Administrators are still hold- A number of current students It has been a tough year for workforce. Starbucks is looking MIT. The move has been described ing discussions on the details of welcomed the changes. “Fresh- the businesses that once defined towards this future, and Cam- as “a concrete effort to improve the removing the first year. Strong rec- men are so annoying,” Sofie Moron Cambridge culture and MIT stu- bridge is the perfect location first year at MIT,” and has been wel- ommendations have been made to ’21 told Big Mistech while waiting dent life. In February 2018, Star to realize our new vision,” the comed by students and GIR profes- replace the first year with an “im- for the walk light on 77 Mass Ave. Market, the grocery store most spokesperson said. sors alike. mersive HASS experience.” “I think we should just get rid of heavily frequented by MIT stu- Starbucks is also rolling out The idea was put forth and dis- “The humanities have long them.” dents (bar LaVerde’s), shocked new diversity and inclusion ini- cussed by upperclassmen in 2.S991 been popular at MIT, and we Current freshmen, who them- its customers by announcing the tiatives in its expanded location. (“Designing the First Year at MIT”). find it proper to expand this into selves are the subjects of a CUP ex- closure of its University Park loca- Instead of requiring employees to “This year’s class was committed a year-long experiential learn- periment, were also pleased. “I’m tion. Within the past month, both call the police whenever a black to positive change,” Ian Waitz, Vice ing opportunity,” Melissa Nobles, grateful for this, even though it Harvest Coop and True Value person enters the store, they have Chancellor, said in an interview Dean of the School of Humanities, won’t affect our class,” Ima Froshi hardware store have closed, with a sensor that automatically de- with Big Mistech. “Based on their Arts, and Social Sciences, said in a ’22 wrote in an impassioned email the former going bankrupt and tects skin color and immediately direct engagement with the MIT statement. to Big Mistech. “Trying to decide the latter downscaling its store alerts law enforcement. first-year community, students sug- While most faculty members which three GIRs to take on P/NR numbers. “We don’t want our custom- gested that this was the best path support this idea, the Depart- has been really stressful, so I’m glad Even Toscanini’s at 899 Main ers to be unpredictably discrimi- forward,” he added. The Commit- ment of Physical Education and they’re removing the need for me to St. has been closed since early nated against by employees. tee on the Undergraduate Program Wellness insists that admitted make those decisions.” 2018. Officially, this is temporary, That’s why we’ve created this new (CUP) reviewed student recom- freshmen should spend the first Harold Ward, 2018 graduate of but with the wave of closures bar- system that applies discrimina- mendations and approved the year at home learning to swim. A Harvard University, praised MIT relling down Mass. Ave., the be- tion fairly,” the spokesperson experiment. virtual reality swimming instruc- for its wise decision and expressed loved ice cream institution’s days explained. The changes will not affect any tion module has already been hopes that his alma mater would do are numbered. As a fail-safe measure, Star- current students, but will apply launched on MIT OCW. the same. A spokesperson for Starbucks bucks plans to host a training next revealed that the multi-billion year to instill unconscious biases dollar coffee chain has acquired in the three employees that will all of the stores beginning from work in the mega-Starbucks. the Salvation Army all the way to Central Square businesses are Prospect St. All of these stores are slated for demolition in waves VC Waitz: ‘Turns out, the only thing to be replaced by the biggest Star- over the first quarter of next year. bucks in the world. The new Starbucks will open in The new Starbucks layout, November. students care about is money’ which will span both sides of At press time, a spokesperson Mass. Ave, will include a tunnel for Target was shaking his head Sellout, from Page 1 MIT predicts the sellout will Cambridge community and more underneath the street and mul- and asking, “Why didn’t we think bring in $7 billion over the next five as a freemium innovation-driven tiple drive-through points. Star- of that?” “All along, we thought it was years, which it plans to put toward meta-ecosystem that’s disrupting curiosity, passion, and the desire luxury residential development the lifestyle and education indus- to make the world a better place in Kendall Square and attorney tries,” Waitz said. “That’s how our that drove MIT undergrads, so fees for forecasted union lawsuits. students would put it, anyway.” that’s where we centered our cur- Some of the funds will come from Continuing the trend of putting riculum and business model,” Vice selling the naming rights to various its future in the hands of students, Chancellor Ianz Waitz told Big facilities, such as the newly chris- the administration is expected Mistech. “Turns out, the only thing tened “CSAIL by Raytheon™” or to replace MIT’s official motto, students really care about is mon- “MIT Chapel by Pornhub™.” “Mens et Manus,” with the popu- ey, so that’s awfully convenient for “We want to frame MIT less lar maxim “Yeet” sometime in the us!” as a community or a part of the next week. 4 OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION Big Mistech Big Monkeys Mistech. onaTypewriter, Some by Printed Inc. Confession, absolution, and prayer rates available. Entire contents ©2018 @HIS-HOLINESS. Holy Weekdays: @CASUAL-PONTIFEX. FEX. Days: 00120 CittadelVaticano, @PONTI- Sundays: Vatican TWITTER: City. address our to changes mailing Big address: Mistech, P.O. Box 123456, all send Please Tithes POSTMASTER: (bitcoin). are year 5,000.00 per Francis, Saint Martha House, 00120 Citta del Vaticano, Vatican City. His(except Holiness, by onChristmas and twice years) leap during Pope 29 on February Big year Mistech 0148-9607) is published(ISSN every ’22. Aldridge ’21,Lily Prinsloo Karlie ’20,Behati Kloss Mathematical Models: Learning: DFS ’21,BFS ’20;Machine Algorithms: Gone ’19. Long Contributing Editor: ’21;Barely Talent Head Hunter Scout: Hicks ’16, Spicer ’17, Sean James Comey. ’16,Hope ’16,Jared Kushner Ivanka Trump ’15, ’15,Kellyanne Conway Huckabee Sanders Sarah Anthony Scaramucci ’14, Pruitt ’14, Scott Tom Price ’13, David Shulkin ’13, Nikki Haley ’13, McMahon ’11, Rex Tillerson ’12, Jeff Sessions ’12, ’10,Linda ’09,Andrew Wheeler R. Haspel ’09,Gina ’09,Mick Mulvaney Heather Nauert ’08, ’08,Dan Coats Lighthizer ’08,Robert Kelly ’07,John F. ’07,Kirstjen Nielsen Wilkie Robert DeVos ’06, Betsy Rick Perry ’06, Chao ’06, Elaine Alex Acosta ’02, AlexAzar ’02, Carson Ben SM ’03, Ryan Zinke ’98, Perdue ’00, Sonny Wilbur Ross ’01, ’93, ’91,William Barr ’84,Jim Mattis Mnuchin ’83, Steve ’74, Mike Pompeo Mike Pence Hearthstone ’20. G, Plays Soylent Drinks Guy: Programming ’18;Smaller Code Writes Guy: Programming Cher Elle ’20. Seeohoh ’21, TekMichael Porter ’20;Startup Ecosystem: Clayton Christensen ’21, Innovators: Disruptive ’21,Nada MaureenBehsiz ’21, James Dowd ’21, Frey ’22. ’21,Lloyd Brown Viswanathan ’21,Hewlett- Packard ’21; ’21, Canon Xerox Copiers: iate Chief Assoc JaysonChief Copier: Blair ’20; Brandank Epstmeme ’20, Katherine Stone G. ’21, ’21,Alula Hunsen FarazStaff: Masroor Charles Manson ’22,Ted Kaczynski. AlCapone ’22, Jack theRipper ’22, Simpson ’21, ’21,OJ ’21,Casey Anthony ’20,Clyde Bonnie ’20, ’20,Butch Cassidy ’20,Jesse James Aron Daniel Adams ’18, Anderson ’19, George Ruthann ’21;Criminals: ’13,Ted Bundy Gaskins Henry Princip ’21; ’19,Gavrilo John Wilkes Booth Assassins: Stone ’22. Emma Marion Cotillard ’21, McConaughey ’21, Matthew SandraCate Bullock ’21, Blanchett ’21, ’20, ’20,Julia Roberts ’20,Jodie Foster Bates ’19, Kathy ’18, Julie Andrews Audrey Hepburn Staff: Eddie Redmayne ’21; Clooney ’21, George ’21; Firth ’20,Colin Frances McDormand Editors: ’19. Pride Ankle ’19, Bruised Varsity G, Sprained Team: Encephalopathy CT ’19;Junior Week:Rookie ofthe Torn ACL atoms intheuniverse?? ’22. DiduknotheirrmoreWiley Sage ’22, stars then G, Taylor ’19;Staff: Francis Sevier Elle Editor: Anonymous. Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Staff: Anonymous; Editors: Figures ’18, Mandalas ’19. ’22; Pages ’21, W ’22; ’21; ’20, CMD+D CMD+OPT+SHIFT+E CMD+B Editors: Small ’21. ’19,Marty “Bitchin” Milner Benjamin Soren Michael Broderick Starr G, Mitt Barker Syne ’11, ’22;Meteorologists: Marisa Bleeker-Sykes ’21, Bentham Stowe ’21,Marina Bick Solomon ’21,Maggie ’20,Meredith Brenda Solow Smith ’19,Marcus Brown Meagan Stein Beatrice ’22; Stone ’21,Mitch Brendan Margaret Blanche Sorell ’20, Mark Brett Editors: Smith News iate Assoc MadeleineFeatures Bianca Editor: Sowers ’21; Michael Barrow Shaw ’21; Schmidt ’21, Britney Mary Martin Brown Sherwin ’21, Editors: News TECHNICAL COFOUNDERS TECHNICAL MBAS PLAGIARISTS STAFFCONFESSIONS SNIPERS AWARDACADEMY WINNERS BENCHWARMERS STARDUST STAFF OPINION STAFF KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS STAFFNEWS NEURAL NETWORKS EDITORS AT LARGE TRUMP’S AND FRIENDS CABINET Sheryl Sandchickenwingsburger ’18Sheryl Lemmechek DaStyleguide Lemmechek CMD+Q’20;Grace Period ’21,Fun Staff: Newspaper Scapegoat Newspaper Dangerous Foreigner Dangerous Craving J. Mineral G TmHns ’19, Tom Editors: Hanks iate Assoc Wolfgang Bucks ’19 Generic TechGeneric COO 6.036 ’21,6.034’22,6.867’22; Cosace ’14,Stick Crosshatches Doodlers: Zodiac Killer G, Donald Killer G, Zodiac Murderers: MthwBradSa G, Matthew BernardStaff: Shaw Jonah Lehrer ’21, Kaavya Jonah Lehrer ’21, Copiers: KGB Agent ’20 Em Dash ’19 Book Chef Book Editor: iate Assoc
Like MIT, ethics education loves MBS money, lacks speaker commencement be should Mohammed Prince bin Salman Crown November this elections Council Class the in vote should you Why EDITOR THE TO LETTER of science — a pureof science abovegoal all other rights activists, share does MBS MIT’s love utes from human ortorturing starvation, ine that fi causes achild to dieevery ve min- ties like bombing civilians, causing afam- terests community.” oftheMIT overlapmany oftheirpriorities thein- with Saudi vision issuffi ciently expansive that laborations Saudi inandwith Arabia. Th e has stated, has’80 “MIT long-standing col- international activitiesRichard PhD Lester institutions. AsMIT’s associate provost for of oustoMIT a variety donor and partner Qatar. nearby countries like Yemen, and Lebanon, hasMBS extended hisreach into further intheArabcountry, andglobally. world, has ashaper been inhishome ofpolitics Merkel. Chancellorleaders like Angela German institutions like Harvard are hosting world wantwe at commencement whenour peer three-term mayor ofNew York isnotwho sellingoutsuch to ashisstart fi ntech, a may have much to relate Bloomberg, with ment speaker. While, students MIT indeed, astheclass of2019’sselected commence- thatI learned Michael Bloomberg had been the voting website andclick onalltheun- can’t evento liftafi bother to opennger classesforyearscline inMIT now. People of recent blockbuster movies. order sweatshirts, andarrange screenings Th eyplan studycannoli-themed breaks, care about your representatives. elected As amember ofyour class, you should important itisto make your voice heard. Iwantup soon, to remindhow everyone CORRECTIONS While MIT may MIT While notoverlap priori- with Furthermore, has MBS agener- been Since thebeginning ofhisreign, MBS when thisweek I was concerned deeply Civic engagement has onthede- been With Council Class coming elections OPINION POLICY OPINION signatures, addresses, numbers, security social bank account date ofpublication. One. All submissions are dueby 4:30 p.m. days two after the Drive, Cambridge, MA02142), orsent by blockchain to Room submissions should addressed be to Gray House (111 Memorial edu are encouraged and should sent be to [email protected]. better publish “or thepiece else.” Electronic submissions a letter made ofcut-up magazines threatening that had we are submitted by individualsandmust accompanied be by they’ve fi counting nished out didollars. to make whenhedecides does changes some intheirlineup. Letters, columns, must andcartoons theauthors’ bear , Letters editor to the are the changeDissents you back get at the store after areEditorials what theBaltimore baseball team’s manager along with alinkto avirus.along with Hard copy orhard liquor By Arnold D. Mupt editorial cartoons , andeditorial columns back: you don’t deserve to you don’tdeserve back: break! Say inthe itlouder forthepeople CIA, andotherorganizations,CIA, ofassas- agencies. by has MBS accused been the underattack isso MBS from of avariety later. visit, until newsreport theMIT released ofprotestershort were theonly signs ofhis where vehicles, security snipers, andaco- secretive hisvisit this past during March, unfortunate that so to be felttheneed we and praise. arms open come with MBS It is this past August. bomb to strike 51 bus inaschool people Martin-producedArabia aLockheed used heavily involved with. For example, Saudi to otherinstitutions thatful partner is MIT MIT,ner with a hasgrate-MBS been also each year to theMedia$250,000 Lab. Mediaof theMIT Lab, andprovides over foundation MiSK isamember company ther the partnership. MBS’s own non-profi t new fi ve-year agreement was signed to fur- recently this March,member companies; a EnergyMIT Initiative’s co-founders and oil company Saudi Aramco isoneofthe tion, theSaudi Arabian nationally-owned Complex Engineering systems. In addi- founded theCenter together for agency, andTechnology,Science agovernment provide generous ofit. funding insupport considerations to —andhas willing been plain to you don’tdeserve back: break! Say inthe itlouder forthepeople of vegan at food theTaste ofBostonstudy oftheclass sweatpantsarrival orthelack to grouse aboutnerve themonths-late monogrammedall those track jackets? class president. thinkorders dothey Who class even doesn’t know thename oftheir anaverage of78 percentsad fact: ofeach about theirclass government. Here’s a vote, butdon’tknow they thefi rst thing past fi ve years. has greater been than 95 percent forthe bourgeois Harvard, class turnout election even worse. For example, uptheroad at lookmeritocratic inthecountry, schools makes MIT, oneofthemost supposedly is much higher. Th is stark diff erence just contested boxes. Turnout at otherschools Th ofconcern is especially now, when With such kindness, should MIT wel- Furthermore, part- MBS notonly does andtheKingMIT Abdulaziz for City Th en, to topitall , students have the off Not students only doMIT to neglect about about the
quality TO REACH US REACH TO of MITNatioooooooooon!!!!!!!! Mistech onr/iamverysmartposted and/orour large erotica database. Big returned.not be Letters, columns, may andcartoons be also letters andchildren property become ofBig Mistech thrown be will inthetrash like abasketball. submitted, all Once letters shorter theright to hackreserves letters; or tamper with Unsigned given be aplace lettersofhonor. will Big Mistech numbers, types, blood andnames offipets. rst childhood notmakedoes mistechs. God photo isperfect. pixel inevery andevery article in every are columns submitted by opinionarticles members Guest Come on honey tellmeso Come onhoney If really you mejust need reach out and touch me Come letmeknow onsugar If want think and you I’m you my body sexy Big Mistech makes nocommitment to noticeany letters received. of of com- is printed by God himself; therefore, word every himself; by isprinted God choice forthisyear’s commencement. ers. theInstitute Ihope reconsider will its long list ofgreat commencement speak- ues a and fantasticwould be addition to our goal. run help fulfi llamore utility-maximizing long- cal, but itispolitically effective, and may ing political enemiesisperhaps notethi- what are important. For example, detain- stands that effi andeffciency ectiveness are to doso. noneed feels fully MBS under- hasMBS never taken anethicscourse and latable. students, Like most MIT I’m sure ter college.” friend,” and“getting af- together thesquad “shutting upthat annoying gay religious advicelike “howearth ofcritics,” to dispose speak.MBS He wouldgive great down-to- muchstudents enjoy wouldvery hearing calling himnames like “Mister Saw.” Bone human rights violation from petty activists through theaccusations ofmurder and publicity that hecurrently to get needs er would no doubt him the positive bring as hehas us. helped should further,believe we go andhelpMBS engagement Saudi with Arabia. In fact, I byleased Lester, should MIT notterminate Khashoggi. In therecent linewith report re- sinating journalist anddissident Jamal people could you. be people by whoshows upto thepolls. Andthose by just 10 votes). oflast election year was decidedsecretary count the2021 (which isn’t true! class cats. You may thinkyour vote doesn’t bydecided thedonations offrat boy fat cil elections. important than ever to vote inclass coun- liquor. But that’s precisely why it’s more Victoria’s Secret orcases offancy lingerie insiders —siphoning to buy money waysthe corrupt ofstudent government Weour democracy. constantly hear about the class council for- your In clearly short,MBS shares MIT’s val- Importantly, extremely hewouldbe re- Lastly, Ibelieve that our graduating MIT Inviting ascommencement MBS speak- Don’t forget to vote!Don’t But thefactis, are elections decided You may isalready thinktheelection It’s true, students Wednesday, December 12, 2018 12, Wednesday, December feit your right to vote in class study breaks ifyou have lost faithin elections. — Elle Ekshin ’20 Ekshin — Elle , and will , andwill
5 OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION Big MistechBig — Abigail Atoms ’19 Atoms — Abigail People say, “What about the extinction of the extinction about “What say, People the to lead rising sea might levels Sure, warming global me — to a no-brainer It’s I’ve redesigned the MIT seal to reflect the MIT seal reflect to redesigned I’ve a from suffered has campus MIT’s storms, but I’m just not buying it. How does How it. not buying just I’m but storms, and rain? snow more to lead heat adding in the least. not logical It’s a no one gives that animal
Why is this case? Contrary to what you you Contrary what is this case? to Why The study, conducted at MIT by the at MIT conducted study, The You are the fastest walker in the Infinite, in the Infinite, walker fastest the are You Despite a number of scientific break of scientific Despite a number
“Genetic models show that there most most there that models show “Genetic might believe, it’s not related to your awk your to not related it’s believe, might Friend Group, compared your walking walking your compared Friend Group, speed everyoneof speedwalking the to else and now right the Infinite through walking - speed signifi was walking your that found higher. cantly class P.E. Fitness legs or that long wardly according to a paper published in Science published a paper to according week.last
Everyone walks slower than you in the Infinite, study finds Infinite, the in Everyone you than walks slower You walk a lonely road walk a lonely You Scientistsparticle’‘rod baffled elusive by evidence of your dick MIT.nano researchers have yet to find to yet have researchers MIT.nano Wednesday, December Wednesday, 12, 2018 definitely is a dick, it’s just a question of of a question just it’s is a dick, definitely throughs that have come about as a result as a result come about have that throughs nanoscale state-of-the-art new of MIT’s researchers facility MIT.nano, research in their heads been left scratching have dick. your discover to the quest ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS B M wearers, andeveryone inbetween Gastronomic advicefor bothCanadaGoose-wearers andCarhartt- socioeconomic status your casualWhat Instagram to based restaurant on Why doIeven needtowriteareview aboutthis? This was agood thing eom dry somehow! dry eating today —you’ve gotta pay forlaun- ond thought, maybe you should just skip cup like theworking sti you are. sec- On to capture thePatriots onyour logo co ee on a bacon,per egg, and cheese, and try workers,construction pep- some sprinkle yourself intheStud Dunks allthe with even own asmartphoneaside, just plop ayear: , efactthat you shouldn’t therecord andset cial media straight. restaurants near campus to share onso- from anothercaste, here are thecorrect don’t mistaketial friends you for someone on Instagram. To make sure your poten- they’re picsfromeries food posting artsy come from than by checking out theeat- to tell what theirpeers kind ofmoney If yourfamily makes than less Everyone knows there’s nobetter way y x.cambridgefoodie.x By TF INFLUENCER STAFF you’re by rich most standards, you’re not was coming. It’s Tatte, ofcourse! Although backbarbecue homeinWestchester. likeeyes italmost feels you’re at apoolside is better forpictures, andifyou your close eat onthepatio ifyou can —natural lighting ACTUALa place with CULTURE! De nitely TRUCK you so cana FOOD pretend you’re in butitrhymes,food, hey, it’s trendy, andit’s got nameplace whose isabout asMexican asits comer intown —I’m talking Naco Taco, a fucking block inthiscity. you attend until there onevery isaChipotle you have, zoning board andevery meeting conversation pagecial media you own, every you’re gonna wanna so- plaster itonto every capture the messy beauty ofitsproduct. And inKendall.Chipotle You’re gonna wanna wanna hitupalittle hole-in-the-wall called this is something to You’re work with! gonna PIZZA!! I bet y’all Ibet k- k: knewthisone k- k: Stop thepresses, it’s anew- k- k: income Combined Alright, It’s TheTastierAlternative Tired ofPiazza? Try By Doggo Ebert
HI HI be ablebe okay, to —well, you’ve probably gain that anairofworldliness you’d never the dishinyour caption andyou’ll instantly andsoundsexotic.looks Toss thename of Hunt’s tomato sauce andeggs, but itboth Tatte’s signature plate, shakshuka, isjust or the“Avocado Tartine,” but leave room. on hip treats like the “Croque Monsieur” never dare ask you date. onabrunch Snack ensurethe name will that any have-nots will beamers, where pronunciation theshifty of tread, where the cashiers like look drive they to aplace where theuntouchables never step in condescension: inside andescape lacks inhigh bills, though, itmakes upfor a fewmaids inyour What childhood. Tatte and haw cent over despite having every had which isgreat because you probably hem tually pretty lowofyour forsomeone means, else.better than everyone are e prices ac- waytime istheperfect tolike still feel you’re bitter about that, eating so at Tatte allthe byrich Forbes standards andyou’re really Jamie. You little shit. but you knewexactly what you were doing, didn’t have doing to be that lecture, during probably somethinglike use “ broke.” You ket price” to inspire your caption, but you’ll has words cool like “libations” and“mar- take your picture it. with Craigie’s menu de foiegras, andhave your photographer fur coat, onover Uber there, anicepâté get Craigie onMain. yeah, So bundle upinyour conspicuously makingvery areservation at lecture infront andtheperson ofmewas when Iwas sitting inafreshman year GIR was MIT with I becamefully disillusioned the jokes here andjust say it. emoment shakshuka, thenyou live inTuniiiiiisia! real,be if you’re and you’ve poor heard of allthetime, else than andlet’s everyone that andmore you wealthier seem cultured but you thepoint. get eimportant thing is year than take mostintheirlifetimes, will onmorebeen intercontinental this trips I’m gonna to drop Upwards of k: W , D , , W , D Wednesday, December 12, 2018 Big Mistech 9 Student: How will we get through Infinite with extra 19,000 people?
Rejection, from Page 1 Waitz said in an interview with Big what’s going to happen next year.” Mistech. Waitz said that he has “no To address these concerns, the given the imbalance in class size, concerns whatsoever” about this Office of Campus Planning, part- and having enough pizza in Maseeh process. nered with the Office of the HASS dining.” A number of current students Requirement, will remove the base- The huge number of first years have expressed concern over the ment and second floor from the will require an increased number crowdedness of the Infinite Cor- building. The (de)construction will of first year classes. There will be ridor, considering how easy it is to happen during finals week, so as to about 50 sections of 8.01 offered, ac- walk down the Infinite currently. maximize convenience, the offices cording to Professor of Physics Pe- “What I don’t get about this whole said in a joint statement. ter Dourmashkin. The 8.01 and 8.02 thing is how we’re supposed to get “In this way, all members of the TEAL group size will increase to four through the infinite with an addi- MIT community will become more students. tional 19,000 people,” Speedy Walker bonded, and we will bring our com- MIT will hire hundreds of new ’19 said. “I’ve been at this school for munity together,” President L. Ra- professors to teach all of the added four years, and I’m about to gradu- fael Reif said in an interview with Big class sections, Vice Chancellor Ian ate, and I’m really concerned about Mistech. 10
LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE Campus Life CAMPUS LIFE Big Mistech I headed overI headed to Tim through thecrowd, President Reif in the middle of our selfie, idating than Iremembered. Pushing away sparklingthose eyes, he was way less intim- shooting out ofthat smiling mouth and Butthe party. when I saw pointy those fangs as he walked beady eyes as soon intowith in hishand. Iknewthefur-coated So hottie me through knife abloody thetunnels with my dreams night after night hehas chased him since my orientation, and since then in and that’s where Tim came in.Ihad known a conversation aliving human with being… thatin Briggs Ifeltbarely capable ofstarting ing out ofmy window at bodies theshirtless Don’t say you’ve hadgoodsex untilabeaver hasdevoured your wood Beaver the Tim fucked I IT I LIVED 2. 1. why. and really dumb for thinking that. Here’s sitcom exactly like itto be thepopularpect 90s to MIT, get alotofpeople When ex they They’re moredifferent thanyou think 8 ways is not MIT like the show Friends LISTICLE wasn’t asbad asyou’d think. on the sixth of the floor Lab.Media Again, it thing were Iknew,we having hotsweaty sex Beaver at thetent parties, andthenext Course 15. That’s whenI ran into Tim the and my had bestfriend just to switched failing 8.02, Ihadn’t had areal girlfriend, have to Stanford. gone Ayear later, Iwas knowing Ishouldmitted to MIT damn well pretty good. fucked Tim theBeaver, was andthesex homegrown heartthrob. Yes, I Iadmitit: table night where MIT’s I hooked upwith Courseroad, yet regret meto aspicy led lated —that, about my and anxiety premed sonal affective disorder- left me feeling iso breeze. me, Trust itwasn’t that- easy. Sea smart, must MIT I’m have very a been
its marked theshow. with dissimilarity some, but many grow to love it, despite on their bodies. for This is disconcerting don’thaveMIT hair ontheirheads or gravely mistaken to doso. People at on assume that at people MIT, like those Although thenaive matriculate might charactersThe onFriends have hair. tures acharacter named Ross. Contrast Friends thiswith , which fea- named Russ,a fewpeople but that’s it. given namewhose isRoss. Therewere dent, faculty,orstaff member at MIT We checked. There is not a single stu- atMIT. “Ross” named no one is There I’d spent much so star ofthesemester My first misstep whenIcom- happened People always thinkthat just because Friends, have hair, he wouldbe Friends. Well, they’re totally wrong By Future Mrs. Beaver By David Schwimtest - - -
with Tim.with me still Icould hopes spendanothernight happy onemore time. of Iguess part some to contribute to making that beaver dick make happy, MIT Ifeltsad that Iwasn’t able ter learning about hishuge contributions to you know, that’s thelaw ofhisland. But af anddecapitateprince ofusbecause, both that I’d a murderous gotten it on with Saudi me.with Even worse, might people learn thinkingseous that hewas falling inlove gaze,head and his unfaltering nau I got - Sure, when I woke up to his giant plush night many him so good with years ago. made mesad because Ihad agenuinely fromsomeone theSaudi royal family. It surprise. his tailwas big, you are sure inforabigger to engineer my orgasms. Andifyou thought forhours thatver” night. He sure knewhow did heshow methemeaning of“busy- bea spoken about beavers’ but boy, work ethics; ally had apretty time. good has MIT always probably aSaudi indisguise, prince Iactu- was fucking asix-foot-tall beaver whowas past I got the fact thatcoated Once body. I was revealing wearing, fur- hisluscious creature.hairy he shirt offtheMIT Itook it’s ahuge, not conventionally attractive know isdefinitely bizarre, when especially had forapretty sex long timeactually. the roof ofsixth ofthe floor LabMedia and here?” He yes, nodded snuck andwe into and whispered, you “Do want out to get of for afewminutes, Igrabbed hishuge ear off brushing my hesitation. After dancing 4. 3.
I recently found out that Tim might be Having you someone don’t with sex who are to theFriends used definition! quite theculture shock fornewcomers to Kansasend trip which City, can be they’re ofcourse talking about aweek say they’re heading “into thecity,” Manhattan. Here at MIT, whenpeople ing about New York itself, City but about coming “into thecity,” they’re nottalk know whenitscharacters talkabout a show about hipNew Yorkers, you so don’tmeanManhattan!they Friends is atMITsay city,” “the people When love onour favorite television program! people,ed any didn’tget even ifthey are —they generally good-heart worry centers back intheirhometown. Don’t popular leisure-sport oneofthese runs bound to makewho ortwo afriend ing Meanwhile, alley. at MIT, you’re known to ownoreven manage abowl- in Astonishingly,ley. not a single person al- No onFriends abowling one runs Friends’ vast array ofcharacters is - - - - 6. 5. 7. Tim theBeaver reveals histrue identity.
to hate. to cramped sty that Joey and Monica loved fromous the fetid, andcozy, afar cry however, are- dormitories luxuri MIT thesame fate.meet Asmany discover, incoming students to fear that will they in unrealistic urban squalor, causing portrays itscharacters living together Friends fortheway isoften criticized it onFriends apartment shithole . the than MIT nicer dorms are much They’re just too busy! such onthedaily. brilliant witticisms likely students to hear MIT slinging iconic “Hee-yaw diddy-o,” you’re not Chandler’s “Rup orRachel’s rup!” rup for theiroft-spouted catchphrases, like While es. atMITdon’thavePeople catchphras by anabsolutely bopping track by The theFriendsWhile intro isaccompanied different are. slightly songs theme The Get real, Get people, lifeisn’t asitcom! Friends characters are known - 8. vival rates ontheeast coast. Institutesur boasts oneofthehighest important documents,to send andthe and absurduse telegrams offices —MIT time. Of course, this terror is unfounded oncampus foot set as they forthefirst quaking theFriendswith experience who equate experience those the MIT finale,machine in the series leaving endsatsome thehands of arogue fax characters- onFriends theirgrue meet alive. make MITMost itthrough people one isplaying! whentheMIT youuuu” careful belting notto go easy thesongsmixed toup, get be so the rockets’ red glare to give proof. It’s cept that the flag iswithoutstill flying scientistan MIT wouldnotblindly ac because, like the narrator of that song, Star-Spangled Banner asitstitletune but somewhat more diddysomber Rembrandts, thesimilar chose MIT Wednesday, December 12, 2018 12, Wednesday, December In true 90s fashion,thesix mainIn 90s true COURTESY OF MITFAKE NEWS “I’ll be there“I’ll be for The The - - 11 CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE - - Big MistechBig COLIN CREEVEY—THE DAILY PROPHET DAILY CREEVEY—THE COLIN “It’s the Malfoys, isn’t it, Professor?” Professor?” it, isn’t the Malfoys, “It’s Hogwarts trusta fund is “The powerful - administra the always it’s hell, “Bloody Dumbledore left, students four Whenthe ——— The from a report the middle of July, In his HEAD: Losing Albus Dumbledore: will residents Slytherin House All current behavior occurred unhealthy serious, Very “Bloody hell, always the it’s administration,” said Ron finally. “The rich pureblood administration.” will. But that has come with its own host of come with of has its own host will. that But —” troubles the not funding “They’re blurted Hermione. anything there Is out. school you’re unless sir?” do, we can with Along the Ministry Granger. Ms. force, be changing might that although of Magic, looked He sighed. Dumbledore favor,” in our on his sitting down Sorting the beaten Hat at seemedto also creases frown hat’s The desk. in dismay. “The rich pureblood finally. Ron said tion,” administration.” I “Severus, heavily. and sighed in his desk sat will summons become Voldemort’s suspect right. do what’s to I trust you frequent. more Trust no one.” read: Prophet edge in old age? application a “selective” need to go through to live in the Slytherin dor in order process - Albus Dumb Headmaster mitories year, next to Slytherin in a letter announced ledore - in Sly not Students 12. July residents House notified of officially not were therin House decision. this period. turnaround the house’s throughout persisted in aspects ofNegative the culture seemed what to be despite Slytherin House - In former under High progress promising of these Dolores Umbridge As a result quisitor Minister Prime from pressure and findings Dumbledore Headmaster Scrimgeour, Rufus would be residents current decidedhas that evenly and dis of Slytherin out moved House houses. three tributed the other among - - - - Snape looked ready to snap, seeing the seeing the snap, to looked ready Snape shook their heads. The four - Herm said Dumbledore,” “Professor comment, this at stunned looked Snape of course,” be them to “I here, asked sipped and sighed. his tea Dumbledore “Now, Severus, would you like a cup a cup like you would Severus, “Now, faith your don’t put you surely “Albus, “In Dumbledore. said please,” “Severus, “Albus, surely you put your faith in don’t this mottled ancient relic?” in protest, former Slytherin students Floo former Floo Slytherin students in protest, with set me to up appointments calling at students and worst of all, several you, Gryffindors should four what intruding in —,” “Albus meeting. been a private have a raised Dumbledore before Snape began children?” “Tea, and asked. hand close- Sly should “I don’t think you ione, the Sorting Hat, if it’s And therin House. enchanted?” it was perhaps while I’m Granger, “Ms. he sneered, but pray why, surprised support, of your hear to here?” all doing you are tell, his eyes twinkling. Harry Dumbledore, said be must you “Now, lie. the white smiled at the why ask to Snape Professor like here sort to Slytherin- refuses stu Sorting Hat year.” next dents did Neither no hexes. I found Granger, “Ms. told me that merely hat The Weasley. Bill val- in its difference is a fundamental there Students thoseand ues Slytherinof House. Arts and get the Dark practicing secretly !” Durmstrang to transfer to tempting per or a biscuit?of tea Or a lemon drop, his blue calmly, Dumbledore asked haps?” his as he crossed Snape eyes watching offer extends that “And arms in frustration. glanced Dumbledore children.” too, you to who were and Ron, Harry, Neville, at over behind Hermione. hiding ranks Eater Death the into recruited ting everyone not be put allowed to should else the Sorting goes Hat’s against It in danger. the school.” will protect to Snape, ?” said relic ancient in this mottled as if daring it the hat, at glancing amusedly respond to The Sort do. can I nothing is there short, developed its own seems have to Hat ing - - - - - “Everyone knows they’re just dark wizards waiting to be unleashed.” “I overheard Draco saying his father will his father saying Draco “I overheard cheating Slytherin“They students found “Don’t Ron. you whispered hell,” “Bloody prac Hermione, said that,” not just “But “We’re not blackmailing her again, are are her again, not blackmailing “We’re Harry, who turnedsaw and The three survey Slytherins did a recent where “She all bollocks,” probably It’s “Self-reported? taking I’m Hermione. doesn’t matter, “It wehad it com- do? They can what “Right, left, Harry, Umbridge “Be Ron! serious, and I got him in Azkaban, father’s “His good,” to any up is never “The ferret The before? happened this ever “Has in Hogwarts, mentioned never was It “No. in an- pieceschess The hopped around Dumbledore,” talk to should really “We fewer - Sly about care to have don’t “We second feel if your would you how “Ron, Gryffindor“But pureblood isn’t full of “I Neville, said right,” “Hermione’s im- they’re also heard “Exactly. And I’ve up his arms in exasperation threw Ron ——— Hermioneto the said toffee,” “Orange behind is the meaning what “...Albus, withhold his part of the Hogwarts trust fund,” withhold trust his part fund,” of the Hogwarts with speak to have “We Hermione. began in- the Remember Dumbledore. Professor on Slytherin?” The Prophet by vestigation asked Felicis?” Felix brewing on exams after Neville. that mental was Snape Professor remember? d a y .” tically yelling. “Remember the Rita Skeeter the Rita Skeeter “Remember yelling. tically She on Sunday? rates article on graduation Slytherins weren’t too many that reported join- secretly they because were graduating - all Dumb it’s that And Eaters! the Death ing fault.” ledore’s my is back, Voldemort we? knows Everyone interview or not.” up. woken just just he had looked as though in was hair and his dark listless eyes were His usual. than state messier an even illegal times they brewed many how reported back “I think she’s Hermione. said potions,” payroll.” on someone’s Ron. said and if as I can, Eaters Death down as many Harry said goodSlytherin riddance,” is out, sleep.” to back going “I’m adamantly. shrugging. Ron, said them for years,” to ing wizards dark just they’re knows “Everyone nar Ron Then be to unleashed.” waiting not “But and he whispered, his eyes, rowed dark Rich pureblood wizards. dark any just wizards.” - Herm said here,” is still father Draco’s but Profes force to going “He’s frantically. ione out.” sor Dumbledore Harry. said there,” gave just Inquisitor Squad scoffedRon. “The months this done hell. Theyus all should’ve a g o.” off a house?” asked just...closing Sorting Hat quietly. Neville A History.” Gryffindors while the four sat ticipation in Harry, he wished hide he could For silence. again. in his room out one “No the silence. breaking Neville, said him.” than on better going what’s knows hell, I support “Bloody Ron. said therins,” this.” Gryffindor couldn’t closed Ginny and year, crossing Hermione, said be sorted here?” her arms. recreational “Or protested. Ron racists,” with laundering.” Galleon potions brewing sorted into aren’t that years the first think Slytherin get will sorted just here.” on pureblood a pilot program plementing added Hermione. relations,” - withtalk Dumb let’s “Fine, groaned, and unsure Harry nodded in silence, ledore.” be or to their company whether he wanted else at think of anything couldn’t He alone. and followed them along. the moment ascended the four and the statue gargoyle of the headmaster’s They found stairs. was dire. situation but the warmlyfice lit, by seemed be to cornered Dumbledore Snape. the around pacing Snape, this?” shouted whose par two third-years “I have room. the school them from willents withdraw - - - HP FANFIC WRITER By A Resident Slytherin By “We have made the “We difficult decision to close Slytherin House to all students. The Sorting Hat will no longer place students there...” They were walking in Hermione’s direc Hermione’s in walking They were “My father had earmarked a large amount amount a large earmarked had father “My Crabbe grunted. Goyle merely stared at at stared grunted. Goyle merely Crabbe “...Dumbledore can’t possibly get away get possibly away can’t “...Dumbledore One night, as Hermione was making her making was as Hermione One night, ——— wing left the hospital and Hermione Ron , the letters read. Over the Dear read. , the letters students - stu the from rose uproar An immediate One morning in June, across the pond across One in June, morning “Hermione, what’s wrong?” asked Neville. Neville. asked wrong?” what’s “Hermione, “Oh, Harry, I’ve tried get to speak him to Harry, I’ve “Oh, “I think he’s still sulking in his room. in his room. sulking still “I think he’s Hermione gave Ron a look that suggested a look that Ron gave Hermione “Hermione, the Hogwarts Express leaves leaves Express the Hogwarts “Hermione, “Ron, Neville, we need to talk. I caught we need I caught talk. to Neville, “Ron, ——— - Wiz playing and Ron Neville found She of money through charitable remainder remainder charitable of money through “And Draco. declared trusts for Hogwarts,” make mother to with work to my going I’m they see never Albus so as a penny long sure a job…” has Dumbledore the wall. with this. Not after with Potter and his littlehis and with after Potter Not withthis. sneered. Draco father,” friends my did to been a part for has of Hogwarts “Slytherin ” centuries. - Sly more she found as a prefect, rounds usual.curfew than breaking therin students - with sympa yet but a stern sigh a heavy After them off she sent thetic look, scurrying down past walking was Hermione the dungeons. to in the of Gregorythe portrait the Gregarious a famil- corridorthird-floor when she heard voice. iar three days before the end of term. When theyterm. of end the before days three arrived theyGryffindorthe room, at common quickly spread which the news, heard had - sympa the school. Some students through while othersthized with Slytherin House cunning fostered that scorned culture their the value over and ruthless alumni. Debates erupted in the hallways. of Slytherin culture in with deal to arguments had Professors in played and the pranks common rooms where Potions, was in creative The most class. on emblazoned a skull had every cauldron when the end of class At the metal surface. they scrubbed students the cauldron, inside etched on the bottom: read could “Sport you.” kill can Only Dumbledore Eaters. Death past year, we given have Slytherin house a past year, the formation of the to from reform chance we Squad. have Unfortunately, Inquisitorial behaviorslearned of occurring dangerous in for under the house during the turnaround The other robes. in emerald-green dents and amidst in confusion, houses looked over father “My heard: was voice one chaos, the this!” will about hear ter was winding down and the fifth-year winding down and the fifth-year was ter survived Most just had their OWLs. students at but for the summer, excited were students did not letters the owls’ the Slytherin table, bode well. We Dolores Umbridge. inquisitor mer High made close to have the difficult decision Sly- Hat The Sorting students. to all therin House will there... no longer students place in another school, the owls arrivedin another school, the owls during The semes Slytherinthe table. at breakfast An alternate fifth-year Harry Potter fanfiction Potter Harry fifth-year An alternate ALLEGORY The Sorting Hat gone wrong Wednesday, December Wednesday, 12, 2018 to me, but he just hasn’t left his room,” said left his room,” hasn’t he just but me, to her head. shaking Hermione, Can’t blame him though,” mumbled Ron. mumbled him though,” blame Can’t him.” a lot to meant “Sirius he shut up. “Where’s Harry, Ron?” “Where’s up. he shut in two days,” said Ron. “Why are you still be still - you are “Why Ron. said in two days,” a prefect?” ing Malfoy out during curfew. Where’s Harry?” during curfew. out Where’s Malfoy Hermione. asked ard Chess in the Gryffindor Chess room. ard common them and pulled up to walked Hermione them aside. tion, so she went round the corner. Once the corner. tion, so round she went enough, far away were and Crabbe Draco fled the corridor down Hermione tell her to friends. 12
FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN Fun FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN Big Mistech Solution, pagei Empty Minded Help BenShapiroGettoCampus Journey ThroughTheInfinite Instructions: Fillinthegridsothateach column,row, and3by 3 gridcontains exactly oneofeach ofthedigits1through9. Insructions: Make itthroughthemaze. Ibelieve inyou. Instructions: Findyour way tofinish! from start Solution, pagei Maths Instructions: Fillinthegridsothateach columnandrowexactly contains oneof each ofthenumbers1–3.Follow themathematicaloperationsfor each box. Wednesday, December 12, 2018 12, Wednesday, December 13 FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN 30 29 43 Big MistechBig 31 42 41 35 34 33 28 32 36 40 27 37 39 26 38 25 24 23 22 require math require 21 20 12 5 Instructions: Count the numbers and connect the dots. You can also color it in. I believe in you. can also color it in. I believe You Count the numbers and connect the dots. Instructions: 19 6 11 10 4 9 1 13 8 18 7 2 3 14 when there’s a fun page that doesn’t doesn’t that a fun page there’s when
15
17
16 Connect The Dots The Connect Wednesday, December Wednesday, 12, 2018 14
FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN Big Mistech Majors atthe‘Tvte Instructions: figureitout. Wednesday, December 12, 2018 12, Wednesday, December 15 FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN Big MistechBig The Goodest Bois of Boston Wednesday, December Wednesday, 12, 2018 SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS B M Former QB loses MIT education for QB inFormer alittle education the bench Big loses MIT quarterback starting trades team Football just wasn’t pulling his weight preparation training. forspring star Jimmy (now Stallworth ’) in merly ’) forKansas State super- ing quarterback Anders Nagle (for- that hehas traded freshman start- Shaughnessy announced Monday “Nagle’s asmart kid, but he football coachMIT Tom By Skip Valence By LOOSE END END LOOSE covering the mechanisms ofpan- professors make progress inun- already amazing some helped years oldto study at MIT, and I’ve it was my dream since Iwas ve telling say no.” hisstatsand with itwas hard to big Engineers fanhiswholelife, Mistech for us,” Shaughnessy told Nagle thenewsinstride, took Big Mistech . “Stallworth has a been , “You know, Big Big vantage of Kansas State’s academ- Wildcats, he’ll able be to take ad- around forthe string thefourth though Nagle probably will hover who amIto question him?” the process isbestfortheteam, search in opportunities andjob and probably losing aton ofre- chance education anMIT to get that megiving uptheunique creatic cancer. But ifCoach thinks Shaughnessy said that, al- a bit apprehensive about the in,” hesaid. Although heremains Tech’s that fanbase just drew me something about thepassion in I grew upinTopeka, there was “Evensince childhood. though theteam he’s eld with followed thatthrilled he’ll hitting be the atway.”look itacertain what comparable to MIT’s, ifyou ic programs, which are “some- Meanwhile, is Stallworth W , D , , W , D homework,” hesaid. to dothestarters’someone math huge to asset our to have squad thinks it’s a fair trade. “It’ll a be ranked players he inthecountry, although helost oneofthetop- Crowther told Big Mistech school.” coast through “just like inhigh C student andall,” to heexpects ofMIT’srigor classes, “being a Kansas State coach Brad that that